WONDERS WORTH THE HEARING.  
Which being read or heard in a winter's evening, by a good fire, or a summer's morning, in the green fields▪ may serve both to purge melancholy from the mind, & gross humours from the body.  
Pleasant for youth, recreative for age, profitable for all, and not hurtful to any.  
LONDON, Printed for john Tappe, and are to be sold at his shop on Tower hill near the Bulwark gate 1602   

To my honest and kind loving friend, Ma. john Cradocke Cutler, at his house without Temple Bar: health, hearts-ease and eternal happiness.  
YOur affection to all good spirits, and mine the worst of many, hath made me prefer your known kindness, before the shadow of idle showest a Scholar I hold you none; but I know you understand English, and can conceit an honest meaning, better than a brain full of more business: and therefore in my love, have given you this fruit of my thoughts labours: In which, since Divinity is too deep, Virtue will not ●ell; Law is costly, and Poetry is too common; Histories are tedious, State matters are too high, and love is grown a laughing jest▪ ● have thought good (leaving all idle humours) to ●all only upon a few wonders: In the discourse whereof (I doubt not) but you shall find a little glimmering of the light of my better love: To the assurance whereof, without fraud or further delay, I have here unto set down my name, thi● 22. of December. 1602  
Your affectionate poor friend. Ni●h▪ Breton.   

To the Reader.  
I Wonder with what title to fit you gentle, wise, or fond and scoffing Reader, but in hope of the best, I w●ll begin, with; Gentle Reader, let me entreat you not to wonder at me for writing of Wonders, for there is nothing common, that is currant, but money, and that is grown so scant with a number, that many a one wonder what kind of thing it is: but, because I have little to do with it, I will speak● little of it, and only tell you that it was my hap to light on a few odd Wonders, that being unhappily set down, might pass away a little idle time to look on. Now, hoping that some mad-head in the world, might have as much ley sure to read as I have had to write: I have thought good, to those good people, to co●mit the perusing of this little wonderful piece of work: wherein, if they find nothing that may please them, I shall wonder at my wit: if any thing doth like them, I shall wonder what i● is, and think the bet●er of it when I know it. In the mean time, lest you wonder too much at me, to make such a do about nothing: I will leave my wonders to your conjectures, and my love to your kind favours: and so rest as I have reason.  
Your friend, N. B.   

Merry Wonders.  
Green rushes M. Francisco, it is a wonder to see you here in this Country: why, I was afraid that you had been so out of charity with your enemies, that you had beenalmost out of love with your friends: but I am glad, that having wished for you so long, I shall yet enjoy you at last.  Fran. 
Master Lorillo, I do wonder at your wondering, for though I am contented to be held a man, yet I would be loath to be worse natured then a dog: for I am in charity with all the world, though I am not in love with mine own shadow: but to your purpose, can you either fell what love or a friends is?  Lor. 
Indeed they are two Wonders in this world, for men are so full of malice, and women have so little faith, that a friend is like a Phoenix, and a faithful woman like a black Swan.  Fran. 
Now fie man, you are too much to blame, to make a wonder of nothing, for friendship is the grace of Reason, and love is the joy of life: and therefore rather wonder at reasons disgrace, in the breath of friendship, and at the nature of life without love, then to see a true friend or a faithful lover.  Lor. 
But, is it not then a wonder to think what should be, and s●e what is, for love is become a riddle, and friendship a dream, where he may wonder at his fortune, who finds that he looks for.  Fran. 
Well, I perceive it were a wonder to remove you from your wondering at these wonders: but is there nothing to be wondered at, but love and friendship?  Lor. 
Nay, would you not rather say, that I wonder to hear of so much, and find so little▪ But leaving to trouble ourselves longer with these toys, which are become such wonders, as are too s●ldome to be seen: let me entreat you a little to discourse of such wonders as you have met withal, in your last travail abroad: and what I have seen at home (that may be wor●h the hearing) I will tell you.  Fran. 
Content is pleased and therefore not to burn daylight, you shall hear: at my first arrival in a certain country (which for some causes, I will omit to name) it was my hap to come into a very fair town▪ or rather City, where I saw the houses strong and beautiful, the shops richly furnished, handsome men, and fair women, well appareled and well countenanced, so that there was almost nothing wanting that might seem to make a happy state: but ●t is wonderful to think, what a world of unhappiness lived within the walls of this City: for wealth, which should have made men bountiful and charitable, made them so proud and miserable, that the poor wretches were merrier with a crust, than the rich with a world of treasure: the fair, which promised much grace, were so envious, so proud, and so vicious, that I wonder how so great a beauty to the body, should breed so foul a blot to the soul?  Lor. 
Alas, nature is subien to weakness, and therefore bear with a little intersertion: age will tea●h repentance, and sorrow is a sa●ue for sin: and therefore pray rather for the correction of reason, then wonder at the corruption of nature: but onwards with the rest of your wonders.  Fran. 
Oh Sir, excuse is no satisfaction, though contrition be gracious, the sin of youth makes the shame of age, and he that is bountiful at his death, is better in the grave then in the world: but I will leave to argue further upon the case, & go onward with my course. When I had wondered a whi●e at particular points, in particular persons, I began to wonder at the state of the government: for so far as I could ●euill at it with the eye of my s●mple judgement, the chiefest matters were wonderfully well ●uled, laws were executed according to the estate of the offenders: If he were poor, he was made an example: if rich, he was made a profit, a profit to the common wealth, to take away the riches of one that might have been hurt to many: and the poor, an example to the poor, to take warning rather to work then to want, for fear by such offen●e to receive the like punishment of like presumption: But w●en I considered of the conscience that was charged with the burden of blood, I wondered how the hang man could sleep for fear of the devil at his elbow: An● again, I wonder not a little at the folly of the wilful, to bring their wits to such confusion, that neither reason nor observation could take more place in their apprehension?  Lor. 
Oh Master Frances the misery of this time is great, and laws had need of execution, for else the beggar with his creeping, and the chulle with his bribing, w●uld so cousin pity with cunning, that justice should become a jest, and common wealths would be overthrown▪ and since penury to the rich, is as great a plague, as death is to the poor, let the churl whine and the beggar hang, or both learn to be honest men: but to the purpose, if you have not borne Office yourself, speak not of a Magistrate, lest your wonder prove a trifle, when the secret is well considered.  Fran. 
True, but who would not wonder to see wise men so foolish, the wealthy so mad, and the poor so desperate, that the false God of gold should so bewitch the heart of man, as to make the sentence of law to cut off the line of life? But to confess a troth, I think God hath his working in all things, and therefore it is but a folly to wonder at any thing: and therefore leave all things to his will, who doth all things to his glory, and to go on with my wonders, I will tell you: It was my hap to travail into a country town, or pretty village, where I lodged in an Inn, at the sign of the wild goose: where, walking in the back side, I saw a dozen of pretty fine chickens, when looking well upon them, an unhappy boy (meaning to play the knave kindly with me) told me, that in the morning all those chickens would be Lambs: Go to boy quoth I, do not lie I pray thee: In truth Sir (quoth he) it is true: at the first (a little concealing my displeasure conceived against the boy) I wondered at his speech, but in the morning I found it true: and was not this a wonder?  Lor. 
No mary Sir, it is no wonder that the goodman of the house being called Lamb, but the chickens should be all Lambs: but since you are entr●d into merry wonders to beguile you● friends with a jest, let me se●l you a littl● of some of my home wonders.  Fran. 
With all my heart: the more the better, ●ne for an other.  Lor. 
In the town where I dwell, we have a pretty Corporation, where among many poor Officers, M. Constable is no mean man, especially upon a Festival day, when he hath his Tipstaff in his hand, & the Stocks at his door: Now, it fell out one day that the chief of the Parish having a meeting at the Church, this honest man (at least, so reputed of the simple sort) putting on his best countenance, and taking his place amongst the best of his neighbours: it fell out, that in hearing of a controversy between two sorry fellows, about the pounding of a white Mare, whither by law it might be done or not, one giving his opinion upon the one side, and the other upon the other: at last the Constable giving a sore speech against the poor men▪ that the one for his cruelty, in that he had almost starved the Mare in the pound, and the other for his folly, to let her stray into his neighbours ground, should be set in the stocks, and the●e to stay till they were made friends, without farther trying of the law: had no sooner ended his speech, but from a man became a Hog: and was not this a wonder?  Fran. 
A great one, but that Laurence Hog, if it b● he that I take it you speak of, who was the last year Constable of your hundredth, was ever a good rider, and therefore had ever more pity on one good paced Mare, than two roaned curtalles: but if your Trenchmore be done, let me hear if you have such another dance?  Lor. 
Nay by your leave sir, I will first hear you as good as your word, one for an other till the Sun go down, and then put up.  Fran. 
Content, well remembered, then let me tell you: in a certain Port town, where it was my hap to lodge for some few days, it was my chance divers times to meet with a strange creature, in the shap● of a man, of whom one day standing at a door all alone, I took good notice: of stature, he was neither above the Moon, nor beneath the Earth, but in the middle region of the proportion of man, mary for his face it was made like one of the four winds in a Map, that should blow over the stoutest Maypole in a Country: a pair of staring eyes, that would look three mile beyond Mount Noddy, and a mouth hell wide, that would swear like a devil: but for that he would not be troubled with too much hair, he had forsworn a beard: of complexion, like rusty Bacon, and nosed like the stout of an old Bear: necked like a Bull, shouldered like a Miller, and legged like the Mill-poast: and for an arm, had it not been iniur●d with a rewine (that he took with a hot service in a moorish Country) he had been able with a little help, to have thrown a louse over his shoulder: appareled he was like a decayed Soldier, and yet kept a march in the street, as though he had led more than meant to follow him: Now this lus●y gallant, that gave the wall to no man, but upon condition of a quarrel, nor put off his cap to any man, but of whom he meant to borrow money: having passed a few days in such a pride, as few of good fashion could away withal, wanting means to supply his wants, fell in hand (after many shifts) to try the trade of the high way: where having made so many happy purchases, as would have paid for ● good Coppy-holde, would not give over his ●h●se till he was taken napping in his hunting: it fell out, that being over taken in his match, or overflowed in his taking, he was taken hold of by the Officer and brought before a justice for a Felon, from whom to the prison, and so by degrees to the gallows: now, where before that time he● was held for a gallant fellow, and a proper man, he no sooner came to execution, but he became presently a Wolf: and was not this a great wonder?  Lor. 
True, if it had not been Haukin Wolf, th● swaggering rascal of hemp Alley, but I wonder he lived so long unhanged, who had deserved it so often: but 'tis no matter, let him go, I am sure you are like to hear as good a Morris dance from my Pipe, and therefore have at you: In the City where I use to make my household provision for the year, it was my hap in the Inn where I lay, to be lodged next wall to a minikin girl, brother betwixt the eyes then the heels: This dainty come-to-it, thinking her brass good silver, in an humour (twenty years short of her age) would forsooth (to continue or increase her beauty) use all the art, that either the Physician or the Painter could help her for her avail: and to note the variety of the countenances, she would in a glass, teach her ill favoured face to put on (it was a wonder to think upon) one while she would look as demurely, as a Rabbit that had newly washed her face in a dewy morning: by and by she would draw the great lips of a wide mouth so near together, that it was very much like the neck of an Ox's bladder, and yet with that face would she so simper it, as though she would put the Miller's Mare quite out of countenance: by and by, she would leer a side like a Bear whelp, and with a trice she would frown, as though she were sick of the frets: turn her head, and she would laugh, as if she had been tickled in the lower ribs: but after many of these faces, she would at last stand a-tiptoe, and vaunt it like the Queen of Spades: but if she tried to make a curtsy, why maid● Marian in a Maurice dance, would put her down for a fiddle faddle: This Mistress Needens (as I said before) nothing fair, but faced very ill favouredly, wickedly witty, but nothing wise, s●w at her window a Gentlewoman sitting at her door, with a white Sparrow perching on her finger, which bird skipped from thence upon the ruff of a fine young Gentleman that sat by her, and there took bread out of his mouth: Now what humour this wicked creature had, hereupon to be transformed, I know not, but wishing that she might be in this Sparrows place, she no sooner came out of her house, but she became a Sparrow indeed: and was not this a wonder?  Fran. 
Yes, and that no small one, but that I think Meg Sparrow of Kent-stréete, was the gentle mistress that you made your wonder of: but to quit you with the like strange matter, you shall hear: in a certain through fair town, where it was my hap to lodge for a night or two, at a strange sign, mine Host of the house being a Bailiff of the hundredth:  Lor. 
Oh than he was like to be an honest man.  Fran. 
Yea, and so he was I may t●ll you, for he played the honest man many a time, to he●pe many an honest man to his money, that many a knave would have run away with, if he had not been, and help● many a wench to a father for her child, that could not else have told how to have done for the keeping of it: But to go on with my tale, this gallant Sir, being for his capacity able to judge betwixt black and white, horse or cow, whosoever were the owner: and for his person; as good a Picture as might have served for a need, to have hanged at his sign post, standing commonly in his door like a Bearard, that was acquainted with all the dogs of the parish, standing as I say with a Saracens face, his nose too long for his lips, his cheeks like the jaws of a horse, his eyes like a Smiths forge, and his hair all besprinkled with a whore frost, this S. Christopher shouldered swad, that fed on nothing but brows, and ●appy Ale, having more caps of poor men, than either crowns or pence to relieve them, fell (saving your reverence) in love, with such a piece of horseflesh as you spoke of, & notwithstanding that he had a pretty pink to his own wedded wife, that could answer her guests at all weapons, and at all hours, yet he● as a wicked Ram that would follow a s●abbed sheep, fell in hand with this rotten Ewe; whom (his wife being at the market) he got into his garden, where near under my window I might see him flout her in such sort, and wiping his driveled beard, clapped her on the lips so stoutly, as if the devil and his dam had met upon a close hellish bargain: Now, after a hobby horse turn or two, in they came into the house, where he conveyed his well-favoured mistress into a place of private conference, where long he had not tarried, but in cometh my Hostess, who knowing by her Oven where cakes had been a baking, meeting her gooseman with this his pretty duck in his hand, began with a note above Ela to sing them such a solfa, that what with knave and whore, and a great deal more, had not I and some other of her kind guests persuaded her to patience: jealousse would have made her nails to have been indicted of bloodshed, but as it fell out when she had chid herself black in the mouth, and at the last with a little little patience sat her down, with, out of my house whore, & by cocks stones, bones I would have said, I will not bear it: after she had cried a little for cursed heart, and wiped her nose of a little rheum, with these words she made an end: oh thou old mangy, fiery faced, bottle nose, horse lipped, Ox jawed rascal, thou town Bull, and common Boar, that servest for all the S●ine in the Parish, a pox take thee, dost thou think to make me take the leavings of thy Trulls? thou shalt be hanged first, go hang thyself, get thee to them where thou wilt, for thou shalt not make my hous● a Stews, nor me a bawd any longer I warrant thee. I have heard that in old time men have been turned into Beasts, I would thou wert so too: and truly it is a sore matter that may fall out upon an evil tongu●, especially an evil woman's, for you shall see what fell out upon this wicked creatures curse: the man amazed at her madness, and not able (for all his Office) to take order with her tongue, glad (after he had shipped away hi● ware) to be got himself out of her sight: no sooner turned his back to go out of door, but he became presently a great Bull: and was not this a strange wonder?  Lor. 
Not a whit so long as I know Thomas Bull of the Rams horn at the neither end of the market place, as you ride through Cuckolds End, a mile from Twattoxbury: but if you will give me leave a little, I will quit you with as good a tale. It was my hap in an odd village, where for a few days, I meant to recreate myself with my go●d friends, to come forsooth to a Country wedding: which being upon a poor Saints day, for either it was a poor Saint, that they meant so poor● an honour to, or the parish was very poor, that the people had no better clothes to put on: for saving that it was whole and clean that little that they had, there was neither waste of stuff, nor fineness to be found fault withal: yet as it was, let me tell you: the manner was worth the marking: For first and foremost went the Bride, for flesh and blood as fowl a creature as might fit the Invention of an invective against Beauty: who though she were squint eyed, Swine s●outed, wry bodied, and splay footed, yet had she such a garlic b●●ath, that they had need enough of Rosemary, that led such a weed by the wrist: but let her pass, she with her hair about her shoulders, drawn out like a horse tail with a Mane-combe, in a homespun russet Petticoat, that should serve her many a fair day, with a pair of strong Calf-skin gloves, that her good man had dressed for the purpose, holding out her chin and dra●ing in her mouth (like Malkins old Mare) went simpering betwixt two old Constables: and after the rout of such a fight of Rascals, as one would ●ake hell for such a rabblement, follows the Groom my young Colt of a Cart breed, led betwixt two girls for the purpose, the one as like an Owl, the other as like an Urchin, as if they had been spit out of the mouths of them: Now this sweet youth, saving that he had the shape of a man, there could be little said in his commendation: for as he was headed like a Gian●, so was h● faced like an old Ape, stump footed, and wry legged, and withal, his lower limbe● of such smallness, that he went in great danger of the wind: mary for his breath, his Bride and he were both Rabbits of one Laier: yet being in this disgrace of nature, these well matched Hog minions, it was a sport to see the weak judgement of their poor wits, who were content to persuade themselves, there was matter in them of sufficiency: for she, if one saluted her with fair Maid, she would look down upon her new shoes, with such a smile as would make a horse laugh to see hércountenance: and if he were but called lusty Lobkin, he would fetch you such a friskall, that a dog woul● not lie down to look upon him: Now as I tell you, to a blind Chapel in steed of a Church, went these couple to their merry meeting: where, how they agreed upon the match I know not, but they no sooner came out of the Church hand in hand, but of a handsome youth and a pretty damsel, they became both Buzzards: and was not this a pitiful wonder?  Fran. 
Not at all, for Hodge Buzzard and his best beloved, at the blue Crow and the red Owl can ●el you the meaning of this riddle: but now to quit you again have with you.  
It was my hap in a market town near unto the cross, to meet with a coarse, carried upon men's shoulders in a coffiin, no great solemnity there was to be noted, for there was not a Herald of Arms, nor any mention made of him more than that he was dead; and was carried to be buried: for more than that men wore black in good Cloaks for him, I saw no sign of sorrow to be thought on: yet for that there w●re many that accompanied the coarse, I demanded of some that I durst be bold with, what he was▪ h●s name, his state, his condition, and his death? Now o● all that I asked, or of all that I spoke to, I could not here so much as a good word spoken of him, his name was Di●es, he was a rich man, his condition wicked and malicious, his quality ledge●●●●●aine, with which he would cousin a whole country▪ his state mighty by his purse, his life like a Hog, and his death like a Dog, but that he scape● hanging, which he deserved too often: he was beloved of few, and hated of many: undid a number in his life, and now only bestowed a little Charitably at his death: many did curse him, and few that prayed for him, more than that they might here no more of him, and all that I could here or see written of him, was an epitaph that some conceited friend did bestow upon him▪ the words whereof we●e these: here lie● one that was borne and cried: he l●ued threescore year●s, and then fell sick and died. Now seeing no more matter to be considered, but down right Dog, with his head in the po●, and yet such a deal of a do in carrying him to church, I thought I would see him thrown into the earth, but when the carcase came to be laid in the g●aue, he that in his life was said to be a jolly square fellow and indifferent handsome man, became a most ugly Bear, and was not this a wonder?  Fran. 
No, not any wonder at all, when Barnabye Bear of Bul End by hog down was the most ravening Wolf, and devouring wretch of his neighbour's goods that lived in a whole country: but if he be gone, no doubt he hath left heirs, and so let him go: and now let me tell you of another wonder: In a certain City where it was my chance to make abode for some few months, I espied one day among a company of Citizens, a little remote from the company, a couple that for serious c●●se of conference had single● themselves together, where walking near unto a bench where I sat, I might hear a little of their discourses: of which, before I speak any thing, let me a little describe you the persons: First, the young man, being about the age of some two and twenty, a handsome man of reasonable good shape, smooth faced, and demure countenanced, his apparel most Silk and Velvet, his cloak and his hat well brushed, his ruffs well set, his stockings well gartered and his shoes well blacked, a sprinke youth, that as far as his mon●y would serve him, did prick toward the Merchant: the other somewhat more stepped in years, and faced somewhat like a Bull, saving that he would léere like a Lyme-hound, his apparel nothing costly, nor very comel●, cloth and fustian, and that of ●is wives spinning, his daughters ●a●ding, and his cousins Weaving, his hat well worn and unlyned, his ruff but a length of home linen, his shoes the best of the hide, as well for warmth as wearing, his girdle of buff leather, a dagger with a dudgeon haste, a greasy ●ouch with a ru●ty ring, his st●●kings of exce●ding course wool, and his shoes sound cobbled: this was all that I could note in his outside, now for his inside, let me tell you, there was shrewd matter to muse upon as you shall hear: for th●se two (age and youth) thus pacing the street with a close measure, I followed till they came to a Tavern door, wh●re going into a private room, with the door shut to them, I clapped me into an odd● seat near unto them, where calling for a pint of Wine, leaving an idle errand at the Bar, that if john a Sul●●came to ask for Tom a Hedge, he should be presently brought to me, sitting munching upon a crust, and sipping ●ow and then of a cup of Wine, I heard all their conference, which was as followeth.  
The old 〈◊〉 it seemed) thick o● hearing ● b●cause ●e would be 〈◊〉 spoken to, spoke very loud unto thi● youth▪ when the first that I coul● hear was this▪ well son, you would hau● money, and I could well part with it, if I saw ●eason to persuade me●▪ how either ●o benefit myself or you by it: for it is a Bird that flieth fast forward, but ●t seldom comes so fast home again: and if you change him into an other shape then his own, he doth often loose much of his virtue: if you put him into any thin● he may happen turn to nothing. For (let me see) you would have four hundredth pounds, let me hear to what profitable use you would employ them? The young man (with as soft voice as could serve his thick eared) mad● him this answer.  
Si●, I would put one hundredth pound in cloth, which I will adventure beyond the Seas, or fell at home, to my great advantage. Stay quoth the old man, cloth is good ware, so i● be well ma●e, & well bought, but if you have no skill in wool●, you may be cozened in your cloth: beside, if it be good, and you adventure it (mark me well) the sea is no brook, & winds are wavering, storms are perilous, rocks and sands are mischievous, Pirates are villainous, and what ship but may catch a Leak? but say that wind, weather, ship & sail, were as prosperous as heart could wish, to make a happy voyage, yet the goods on shore, the charge of custom, the time of vent, the expense of carriage, may make the commodity so little, as without the better stock, may quickly kill a young Merchant: And again, if the Creditor prove bankrupt, or the Factor a spendthrift, then Summa totalis makes but a sorrowful reckoning: Now at home, if they be stretched upon the tentor-hooks, burnt in the dying, spoiled in the dressing, or any other false matter fall upon them, & you sell them for good, the buyer is cozened, and your conscience is touched, and ●od will one day have it answered, and therefore I doubt you will do little good with it in cloth: With that the young man replied: oh sir, nothing v●●ter nothing have, therè is no fishing to the Sea, the gain of one voyage will bear the loss of many, and a Factor▪ of credit will never trust but upon assurance: and therefore the undoing of one man must not be the hindrance of a hundredth: if I live among men I must do as men do: & for home sale, if all things be not as they should be, they must be as they may be: every one mus● line by his trade, for in these days he that stands upon conscience may look after commodity, & c●me not near it by an arms length: why quoth the old man, do you get so much by meating? then you do not mean to go to heaven for you measure: Alas Sir quoth the youth, in the Church perhaps we hear of heaven, but in ●ur shops we have so much of the world to look to, that we have almost no leisure to think of heaven nor hell: but yet I hope so long as we pitch and pay, and follow the trade or occupation we were brought up in, we shall not go to hell for a a small matter. No quoth the old man, but for a great matter you may, and you that should love your neighbour, to betray him as a ●udas, how ever you think of it, I fear it will fall foul with you one day: but since I see you are given to thrive, though I would be loath to take part with you in your course, I care notif I deal with you for one hundredth pounds, to be employed in cloth: but what say you to the second? to what use will you put t●e other hundredth? The other hundredth quoth the young man, I would put in wines, an excellent commodity, and ready money, and quick return. Alas quoth the old man, it is pity the return is so quick, for I think there is more money wasted in drinking to healths, till all health be turned to sickness, then is employed in many necessary good occasions: but let every man answer for his own sin▪ my sorrow can help little: and therefore if you be sure of good wines▪ speedy vent and good chapmen, I think it be not the worst ware that you can deal withal: but if your wines be small hedge wines, or have taken salt water, and you ●ither by brewing them with milk water, or other trumperies, or by mingling one with another, and so mar both to help one, and yet get money into your hands, give day, and protest friendship, and all to cheat a simple man, whose taste and his wit, are both a like for his bargain: oh how can you drink wine, but you must think of your wickedness? and then how it goes down God knows, and I fear some of ye feel too well. Well Sir quoth the young man, I tell you as I told you before, every man must look to himself, and therefore if you will deal with only men of conscience, you may keep your money long enough ere it will do you any good: and therefore since it is an ill wind that bloweth no man to good, let the drunkard make himself poor, and the Uintiler rich, and the Merchant vent his commodity, as he may continue his Traffic: I cannot stand upon ●e●nies, for your money you shall have security, which if you like not, let me be without. Nay soft quoth the old man, for kindreds, ●akerou●en, I would not stick with you upon your own bond, but that we are all mortal, and if you die, your suer●y may be the more careful of your discharge and his own to: and therefore Cousin, I pray you in kindness tell me for your third hundredth▪ how you will employ it? Sir quoth he, at your request I am content to tell you, in an Office: An Office quoth the old man, in the name of God man what may it be? why sir quoth he, the keeping of a jail or prison: for if I live but a few years, I will make mine Irons, and my Taphouse, quickly put my money in my purse, with advantage: and besides my ordinary gains of my diet, my fees allowed, besides privy commodities, will soon multiply my hundredth to a greater sum than I will speak of: Oh but Cousin quoth the old man, when you see the misery of the poor, and think on the sorrows of the distressed, how can you sleep in your bed, to think of the day that is to be looked for? Oh Cousin, be sure this world is but a picture, where pleasure or pain, is but as a shadow of that which is to come ● remember my good cousin what will be spoken at the latter day, when you may well say you have visited the sick, for you see your prisoners for your own safety: but how you have fed the hungry, or clothed the naked, I pray God your conscience do not come against you: In brief, cousin I had rather give thee a hundredth pounds to leave it, then lend thee a penny to take it: Sir quoth the young man, I thank you, but patience rather than pity, hath been ever the way to profit: the small grass of the field fills the barn full of hay, and the poor men's money fills the rich man's purse: he that will not kill a sheep because he will not see his blood, may hap to be without meat for his dinner, and why should I pity him that hath no pity of himself▪ yet perhaps I may make that gain of the wilful, that need not come near me that may make me comfort them that cannot go from me: corruption you know hath a part in ●ur nature, whose infection breedeth divers effects of evil▪ and who liveth without sin? and therefore if rich men will be beggars, and beggars make rich men, give me leave to take my course, I will leave you to your good conscience. Oh cousin be not a blood sucker, there is other meat than Mutton, and therefore pray not upon Lambs, & if you can, endure the cry of the miserable, yet in what you can be comfortable, and if the wilful be woeful, yet be not you joyful, but to all distressed be pitiful, and put away that corruption, that may breed an eternal confusion: put not the poor to his Irons, lest they eat with sorrow into his soul, nor detain the woeful in misery, leas● you be shut out of the gates of mercy: howsoever justice command execution, use you commiseration: and so since I see your intent, I will not put you from your purpose: but to the last hundredth deal (as plainly) what will you do with it? In brief Sir quoth the young man, I will put it out upon interest, where (by such plots as I can work) I will get four score in the hundredth, and perhaps my hundredth again: that were a wonder quoth the old man, but is not this intérest you speak of plain usury? No sir quoth the youth, not plain, but in plain truth, where there is no truth, it is privy▪ Usury: As how quoth the old man? Why sir quoth the youth, when my petty Brokers, séekers for young spend-thriftes▪ hear of a youth new come to his land, that is ready to sell it ere he know the rent of it, upon him go they: to me they come for some commodity, either an Artificial stone, that must pass for an Oriental jewel: a rare piece of Silk, that will scarce hold the cutting out: a lame horse though stand right for a little way: and these with ●any other such tricks must be foisted into a little money to make up a hundredth pounds, for which he shall be surely leapt in bonds sufficient to hold him fast: then ere he come to have his money, my Broker must have his share, his Seller must have his share, and the Scrivener must have more then for his writings for his share, out of all which shares I must have a share, besides the commodity of my money, & badware, & yet I must seem an honest man, & of good conscience, that will not take above the Statute for any thing: but thus we share the Spend-thriftes money among us, & if he break his day, as it is ●ddes he will, then new double bonds, and new shares for the forbearance: till thus with our sharing, we leave him but a little to share from us: Alas quoth the old man why you were as good take his purse by the high way▪ oh no she quoth the youth, it is far better and easier thus to meet with his money by a by way: we that thus ●éede upon the folly of youth, are but ordained to be though scourges of Prodigality: and when avarice hath once bewitched the mind with wealth, it is but labour lost to persuade reason to leave it: and therefore Cousin, though by your countenance it agree not with your conscience, bear with me to tell you truly my intent▪ Oh cousin quoth the old man, truly this last part is the w●●st of all the play, and therefore since I see your intentin every one of these courses, rather to deceive the simple, then to make an honest gain, I had as lief keep my money in my purse, as employ it to such kindé of profit▪ if I may see a good bargain wherein you may honestly benefit yourself, without cheating or wicke● cunning, upon your own bon● without surety; I am for you for a hundredth pounds. Sir quoth he, I thank you, but if you be so scrupelous, I mean not to ●roubl● you: that is as you please cousin quoth the old man▪ so ca●●ing for a reckoning of a Pint of Muscadine, or such a matter, out they go together: who no ●ooner w●re out of doors, but they became both Gurne●ds: and was not this a wonder?  Fran. 
Yes if t●●y had been soused, but as they were, it was no wonder 〈◊〉 ol●e William Gurnerd of Frinsly Borough, and hi●●ousen Henry Gurnerd of Arnix with him, the one as honest and kind an old Farmer, and the other as fine ●nd wise a youth for his time, as one shoul● meet w●●h among a thousand: but since the Sun grows ●ow, I will quit you with one wonder of mine, and so give over till we meet again.  Lor. 
Con●ent, ●se your discretion, as time and my memory serveth, I will either give over or requite you.  Fran. 
Well then you shall understand, that it was my ha● in a kind of house, betwixt a Tavern and an alehouse, where all sorts of people might have ware for their money,  Lor. 
Oh by your leave a little, was it not a kind of a Burdell, a brothel, or a bawdy house?  Fran. 
Fie man you speak too broad, for where a man may be merry for his money, is there no meat think you but laced Mutton? and if a kind wench play the good fellow, must Master Constable needs be angry? it is a heavy hearing.  Lor. 
Yea when the belly grows so big, that the burden must lie upon the parish.  Fra. 
Away man, that is the w●rst, but if men were not hard hearted, women might be better dealt withal.  Lor. 
Come, you will one day be catched napping for your fine humour: but I pray you on with your wonder.  Fran. 
Why I will tell you: sitting in this foresaid tippling tapling house, gnawing upon a crust, longer than I had need, and making many sips o● a pot of Ale, having a faggot before me, which I meant to sit the burning out of, I heard in the next room (somewhat closer than where I sat) two or three laughing very heartily, and as through a crevice in the boards I might espy them, I saw a fat quean with a double chin, set betwixt a couple of leering companions, at the least crafty knaves: where laying mine ear a little to the wall, I heard all their chat, which was as I will tell you: Cousin quoth one of them (to this Fubs) by this drink (and then he fetched me off a whole Can, that his eye● stared with his draft) this money was well got: why I got forty shillings of M. you wot who, for only telling of him where the widow of the Eagle dwelled, setting her out, to be all in the pinner's papers, in the thousands at least, and a house so furnished, it would do one's heart go●d to come in it, and for a Wife the world had not a kinder creature: now, to her I made a train by her cousin my neighbour, to be so acquainted with her, that after I had got into a little ●hat with her, I set her in such agog for a husband, with setting out this Gentleman to be so gallant a man, so goodly a man, so fine a man, so kind a man, so loving a man, so courteous a man, so proper a man, and so brave a man, that besides his living which was more than hers by a great deal, his credit was such with the great ones, that she should go in her Hood every day, and lead a life like a Lady at the least: Now when with these words, I had set them both in such tune, that I knew how to have the drawing of both their purse strings, when I had so long plumed upon his feathers, that they began to grow too fast for getting off, then finding an old Archer instead of a Suitor, that noting my acquaintance with the Widow, would make a profit of my travail, to him fell I, and giving over my young gallant, fell aboard with his bounty, and having him in bond (beside his daily liberality) that ●f he got the widow, I should have the hundredth pounds, to work went I with my wits, to bring this world about: and one day sitting with the widow in sad talk, after she had asked me of my youth, (with a sigh) I answered that he was well, and if that she would be secret, I would acquaint her with that which should make her think me an honest man: she not caring what she said, to hear what I would say, promised secrecy: whereupon I began to play my part kindly: Alas widow quoth I (to deal plainly with you) my friend and I must be two, for whereas I thought him the most honest, and stayed kind Gentleman, and good husband in the world, I find he is a wencher, & a spendthrift, and so hasty that near a friend he hath but is weary of his company, & withal (I may tell you) he is in debt, truly I have been sorry at my heart, that I wa● was so deceived in him, to open my mouth in his commendation, especially to a woman of your worth, who it were pity that he should live, to look upon more than as a stranger: but I hope there is nothing so far passed but may be called back again? No quoth she I warrant you, I will look to that well enough, and I am glad I hear of it so soon, and I thank you with all my heart: oh these young men are dangerous to deal withal: indeed (as they say) they will make much of one, for they will make as much of one as they can, and then leave us to make our prayers at whining cross, but I will leave them all and be ruled by my friends, I am not so young, but I can make much of an old man, and love him to, if he use me well, for I see by my neighbours, it is better being an old man's darling than a young man's worldling: say you so Mistress quoth I, and truly if you be so minded, I warrant you I will fit you with a gentleman for your turn: one, that though he be somewhat in years, yet is he as staite an old man, and as neat in his apparel, as if he were but twenty years of age: one that loved his old wife out of cry, he hath but one daughter, and she is married, so that he hath no charge to trouble him: and for his wealth, he knows no end of his goods: Yea quoth the widow, such a one were worth the looking on, and for the honesty that I have found in you, I will think the better of you while I know you, welcome to me at all times, and bring your friend, it may be he shall not mislike his entertainment: with these good words, I took my leave, and after many thanks, making her believe wonders, about my villainy went I, and being well acquainted with a cousin of hers, who was to pay her a sum of money, which should be forgiven him by this old man, if he could get her, we made such means, that with the good help of her kinsman, who lent this Coney-catching cunning companion, both money and wares for his furniture: we found such times, and made such meetings, that we clapped up a wicked bargain: and for my pains (what care I for the undoing of her and him, & twenty more, to serve my turn) I got these crowns, and will have more to them ere it be long: and be hanged you will quoth goodwife Bumble Bee, but sirrah worst thou what? I'll tell thee as pretty a tale: in my house (thou know'st) I have them, that will carry meat in their mouths, and not lose a bone for a shadow: now upon some month a go, I entertained a young gossip, that was not such a baby, but she knew how to but●er her bread, and yet the wild baggage (because she was somewhat snout fair) would be a little proud and foolish withal, she would be for no Churl, nor Chaps, she was a minion for a Champion: yea but daughter quoth I, we cannot keep house with fair looks, we must have money, and the Churl at home will be liberal abroad, and the Chuff will bring better provender than Chaff, where he means to bait: be content, a purse of gold is worth ten pipes of Tobacco, please an old man's humour, and have his heart: these youths of the parish, that are so spruce in their apparel, have little money in their purses, and their verses and their tales, are not worth a pudding for our trade: the basket with cakes, the pee●es of stuffs, the jewels, and the gold, this is it that maintains the matter▪ talk is but wind, there is nothing to be borrowed on it, leave your idle humour, or you will live but ill favouredly: Now sir, how she listened to me I know not, or how she profited in my instruction, but an old Widower coming to my house (instead of the common course that he might have taken) fell into so great a liking of her beauty, that leaving to fall aboard with her for, and so forsooth, began to tell her how great a pity it was that so sweet a creature, in face and body, should have so foul a mind: and if that rather need of maintenance, then wicked delight, did drive her to this lewd kind of life, and that he might be persuaded of her loathing and leaving her ill course, his wealth was sufficient: children he had none, and to bring her to good he cared not to spend half that he had, she should be wife, child, love, and perhaps heir to the best part of that he had: this sound in her ear, so went to her heart, that by such means as he wrought, my girl was got away, and my house almost overthrown by it, for I may tell you she was a diamond wench, for colour and countenance, and wit at will: but when this Widower had wedded her, and she began to look about her, she was so turned honest, that it was a wonder how she could hit on it: but to be short, one day (not past a week a go) she sent for me, and her good man being abroad, she got me alone with her into a chamber, where after a shower of tears: oh quoth she, leave leave your wicked and hellish life, it may last a while, but the end will be nought: Virgins virginities, young men's patrimonies, old men's wealths, lost, sold, and wasted, bodies diseased, minds troubled, hearts aggrieved, and souls tormented, hell in the house, & the devil in every corner: take ho●de I say of a fair warning, let the shame of nature, the hurt of reason, the abuse of time, and the offence of grace, make you loathe this vileness, & leave this villainy, devised by the devil, & enacted but by his angels: God is where he was, he hath called me home, follow me to him, break up your ill company, and fall to your prayers, if you want come to me, I will not see you want, but if you will not take this kindly, & follow it sound, I will leave you utterly, ha●e you deadly, and persecute you most cruelly: Now, when she had made an end, she stung me so to the heart, tha● I was not able to answer her a word a good while, but at last coming to myself, I did thank her▪ and told her, that she should see I would think on her, whereupon she gave me this gold, and by this gold so I have, for I have put two away, and the rest shall follow as fast as may be, for I will turn christian, and do thou Hodge too, and in good earnest if thou wilt do as I will do, we will strike a bargain: thou hast been a knave, and art sorry for it, I have been a drab, and am ashamed of it, let us leave all knavery and swear honesty, we shall do more good with them that know us when they see us, than a thousand of them that look upon us, and will not believe us: Well Madge quoth the Cheater, thou hast almost turning my heart in my belly with this talk of thine, & truly I will soon come home to thee, when it shall be thy fault if we jump not upon the main point, but what means my cozen Rainolde to change colour and sit so sad? Oh cozen quoth he, I here you talk of a mendment, and rejoice to hear it, but when I think withal upon mine own wickedness, it pricks me to the heart to remember it: Oh the false and counterfeit wares that I have sold to simple chapmen in the country, where as well in loss of wares, as by imprisonment for breach of payment, I have undone a number, and the goods of divers honest men that I got into my hands, and then closely (to cousin my creditors) played bankrupt without need: Oh Cousin when I kept Shop if a poor Gentleman had broke day with me but for forty shillings, I would have defamed him, with shifter and beggar, and I know not what, but when I had undone I know not how many, and yet all would not thrive with me, what shall I do? Why Cousin, ask God mercy for your sins, of that which you haué, pay as far as it will go, or employ it to such good use, as may in time make satisfaction, no doubt but God will be merciful, you will thrive and prosper, and your conscience will be at quiet: say you so Cousin quoth he, I thank you with all my heart, and since I have neither wife nor Children, if ye two make a match, I care not if I spend the residue of my life in your company, I will be a lodger in your house, and we will live & die like friends: upon this they clapped hands, called for their reckonings, and departed, when going out of the doors, the men were both turned to Plovers, and the woman to an Howlate: and think you not this a wonder?  Lor. 
No it is no wonder, that William Plover and his cousin Roger of Mallets more, and Sib Howlate of Nilcocks' Marsh, should meet at Bulley Market, and drink a Pot of Ale at the Madge Pie: but for the wonder it was in their talk and turning honest, if the tale be true as you tell it, but look you, the Sun goes low, it is time to be walking, let us keep the rest of our wonders till our next meeting.  Fran. 
Content, and it shall go hard▪ but I will be for you: in the mean time farewell.  Lor. 
A●ue.  
FINIS.