THE NORTHERN lass, A comedy.  
As it hath been often Acted with good Applause, at the Globe, and Blackfriars. By his Majesty's Servants.  
Written by RICHARD BROME.  Hic totus volo rideat Libellus. Mart. 
LONDON: Printed by AVG. Mathewes, and are to be sold by NICHOLAS VAVASOVR, dwelling at the little South door of St. Paul's Church. 1632.   


The Persons in the Comedy.  
Sir Philip Luckless, Contracted to Mistress Fitchow the City Widow.  
Master Tridewell, Kinsman to Sir Philip.  
justices; Mistress Fitchow's friends. 

Sir Paul Squelch  
Master Bulsinch    
Master widgeon a Cockney-Gentleman, Brother to Mistress Fitchow.  
anvil, a Braggart, Governor to widgeon.  
Master Nonsense a Cornish Gentleman, Suitor to Constance.  
Pate, a witty Servingman to Sir Philip.  
Beavis, a blunt Servingman to Mistress Trainwell.  
Howdye, Mistress Fitchow's man and Gentleman Usher.  
Vexhem, a Constable.  
clerk to Sir Paul.  
Masquers.  
Mistress Fitchow, the City Widow.  
Constance, the Northern Lass.  
Mistress 〈…〉 Governess.  
Con. Hold up, a cunning Whore.  
Chambermaid to Mistress Fitchow.    

TO THE RIGHT WORTHY AND NO LESS Judicious than ingenious Gentleman RICHARD HOLFORD Esquire.  
SIR:  
RIch Friends may send you rich Presents, while poor ones have nothing but good wishes to present you. Though I be one of the last rank, and therefore cannot do like the first, yet it is my ambition to bring more than bare wishes with me, to one of whom I have received real favours A Country Lass I present you, that Minerva-like was a brain-born child; and jovially begot, though now she seeks her fortune▪ She came out of the cold North, thinly clad: But Wit had pity on her; Action apparelled her, and Plaudits clapped her cheeks warm. she is honest, and modest, though she speak broad: And though Art never strung her tongue; yet once it yielded a delightful sound: which gained her many Lovers and Friends, by whose good liking she prosperously lived, until her late long Silence, and Discontinuance (to which she was compelled) gave her justly to fear their loss, and her own decay. Wherefore she, now, desirous to settle herself in some worthy service; And no way willing (like some of further breed) to return from this Southern sunshine, back to her native Air; I thought it might become my care (having first brought and estranged her from her Country) to sue, with her, for Your noble Patronage; of Whom, she hears, (if Flattery abuse her not) she hath, heretofore, gotten some good opinion. Your love to witty, and pleasant Recreations of this nature hath brought her on: And Northern Spirits will soon wax bold. If you be pleased to accept of her, she will travail no further; but, together with myself, remain  
Ever at your service, RIC. BROME.   

To my old Faithful Servant: and (by his continued Virtue) my loving Friend: the Author of this Work, M. RICH. BROME.  
I Had you for a Servant, once, Dick Brome;  
And you performed a servant's faithful parts:  
Now, you are got into a nearer room,  
Of Fellowship, professing my old Arts.  
And you do do them well, with good applause,  
Which you have justly gained from the Stage,  
By observation of those Comic Laws  
Which I, your Master, first did teach the Age.  
You learned it well; and for it, served your time  
A 'prentice-ship: which few do nowadays.  
Now each Court-Hobby-horse will wince in rhyme;  
Both learned, and unlearned, all write Plays.  
It was not so of old▪ Men took up trades  
That knew the Crafts they had been bred in, right:  
An honest Bilbo-Smith Would make good blades,  
And the Physician teach men spew, or shit;  
The Cobbler kept him to his nawl; but, now  
he'll be a Pilot, scarce can guide a Plough.  
BEN. JONSON.   

To his approved Friend M. RICHARD BROME on his Northern Lass.  
WHat! wilt thou prostitute thy Mistress, (Friend)  
And make so rich a Beauty common! What end  
Dost thou propose▪ She was thine own, but now  
All will enjoy her free: 'tis strange that thou  
Canst brook so many Rivals in thy Lass,  
Whose Wit and Beauty does her Sex surpass.  
I've learned it; Thou hast tried her, found her chaste,  
And fear'st not that she'll lewdly be embraced:  
And now thou send'st her to be seen, and see  
If any be like fair, like good as She.  
F. T. Mag. Art. Oxon.   

To his ingenious Brother M RICH. BROME, upon this witty issue of his Brain, the Northern Lass.  
ALthough I call you by a Brother's name,  
I must confess (nor do I fear the shame)  
I am in love with your fair Daughter, this,  
As fair conditioned as her Father is.  
Well met abroad, blithe, bonny, Northern Lass:  
Thy natural Beauties, others far surpass  
That are enriched with fucuses of Art,  
Thy witty sweetness bears so fair a part.  
Not a Good woman, nor a Girl worth Gold,  
Nor twenty such (whose gaudy shows take hold  
Of gazing eyes) shall in acceptance thrive  
With thee, whose quaintness is superlative.  
Dick may be proud she's Daughter to no other;  
As I am proud that I have such a Brother.  
St. Br.   

Of Mr. RICHARD BROME his ingenious Comedy, the Northern Lass, To the Reader.  
POets and Painters curiously compared  
Give life to Fancy; and achieve Reward  
By Immortality of Name: So thrives  
Art's Glory, that All, what it breathes on, lives.  
Witness this Northern Piece. The Court affords  
No newer fashion, or for Wit, or Words.  
The Body of the Plot is drawn so fair,  
That the Souls language quickens, with fresh air,  
This well limbed Poem, by no Rate, or Thought  
Too dearly prized, being or sold, or bought.  
JOHN FORD The author's very Friend.   

To my Son BROME and his. Lass.  
WHich, then of Both shall I commend?  
Or Thee (that art my Son and Friend)  
Or Her, by Thee begot▪ A Girl  
Twice worth the Cleopatrian Pearl.  
No: 'tis not fit for Me to Grace  
Thee, who art Mine; and to thy Face.  
Yet I could say, the merriest Maid  
Among the Nine, for Thee has laid  
A garland by; and Jeers to see  
Pied Idiots tear the Daphnean Tree;  
Putting their Eyes out with those Boughs  
With which She bids me deck thy Brows.  
But what I bring shall crown thy Daughter  
(My Grand child) who (though full of laughter)  
Is Chaste and Witty to the Time;  
Not Lumpish-Cold, as is her Clime  
By Phoebus' Lyre, Thy Northern Lass  
Our Southern proudest Beauty's pass:  
Be jovial with thy Brains (her Mother)  
And help her (Dick) to such Another.  
THO. DEKKER.   

To his known Friend Mr. R BROME on his Northern Lass.  
MY Love may wrong thee, Friend; and, should I praise  
Thy Book, I fear 'twould stain the wreathing bays  
That crown thy Head: No, they that know, can tell  
This Piece craves not a bribing Prayer to sell.  
Here's Beauty, Wit, and Language in a Glass.  
Who would not have a Copy of this Lass?   

Prologue.  
GAllants, and Friends-spectators, will ye see  
A strain of Wit that is not Poetry?  
I have Authority for what I say:  
For He himself says so, that Writ the Play,  
Though, in the muse's Garden he can walk;  
And choicest Flowers pluck from every stalk  
To deck the Stage; and purposeth, hereafter,  
To take your judgements: now He implores your laughter;  
Says He would see you merry; thinks it long  
Since you were last delighted with a Song.  
Your Books, he says, can show you History;  
And serious Passages better than He;  
And that He should take pains in Act to show  
What you already by your Studies know  
Were a presumption. 'tis a Modesty  
Unused 'mongst Poets. This being only He  
That boasteth not his worth; and doth subscribe  
Himself an underservant in their Tribe.  
Yet though he slight himself, We not despair,  
By him, to show you what is Good and Rare.   

THE NORTHERN lass.  


Act. I. Sce. I.  Enter Sir Phillip Luckles. Tridewell. Tri. 
But I beseech you sir, Take me somewhat nearer your Council. May I assure myself, that this report goes true; that you are on this treaty of Marriage with that Widow?  Luc 
Faith x, I take it as my fortune; and am fully bent on the adventure.  Tri. 
Troth in my mind, you were better venture yourself, and fortune to the Bermudas. 'tis true, she has a good estate: some nine thousand, I think: and were an apt match for one that knew how to govern it, and her; some hard bred Citizen, crafty Lawyer, or country justice. But you, a tender Nurseling of the Court, altogether unmixed with such nature or education, to cast yourself upon her, who for her years might be your Mother (they say: I never saw her) and has been the Town widow these three years, still conversant with Doctors, and Proctors of the civil Law; of which Tribe her husband was too. Never look to be the better for her Riches: she'll consume yours and you too▪ though your back were Herculean; and lay you in your grave, or in Bedlam (my life on't) before she dream o' dying, though it be all that you can hope, or pray for, after Marriage.  Luc. 
You speak sir out of some unfortunate examples, and your extraordinary care of me. But truth is, all dissuasion comes too late; and all urgings against it are now uncharitable: For we are already Man and Wife.  Tri. 
What married!  Luc. 
Lustily promised sir. Absolutely contracted.  Tri. 
Send you joy. I'll out of Town.  Luc. 
I hope you'll see our Marriage. I sent indeed to bid you.  Tri. 
No, good sir Philip, rather than I would be in sound of a Bell that should ring at it, I would have my brains fillipped out with the Clapper.  Luc. 
Nay good x: I intended you my principal Guest. we'll have all very private: not above four or five friends more.  Tri. 
Sir, I intend to be none of your Mourners, which indeed my presence there would make me; and so, perhaps, infect the rest. I leave my best wishes to you, and will endeavour to pray for you. Indeed I will.  Luc. 
Indeed this is very abrupt.   

Act. I. Sce. II.  Enter Anvile, widgeon. An. 
Mr. Tridewall! well met. Why so fast sir, I took you for a Foot-post.  Tri. 
A Foot-post! Indeed your fine wit will post you into another world one of these days, if it take not the whipping post i' the way. And why Foot-post, in your little witty apprehension?  An. 
Because you went so fast. But since you are angry, I would you were going twice as last. If I interrupt you, hang me. D'ee hear?  Tri. 
Nay I know you are apt to decline any man's anger, good Captain Anvil: you have been beaten to't.  Wid. 
Why, if he have, he may thank such as you are, that can endure no jest.  Tri. 
What are you there too? Mr. widgeon, I take it?  Wid. 
My name is Walter widgeon sir, not to be denied▪ the only brother here of sir Philip Luckless his betrothed. She is a widgeon borne sir, and of the best family: Our Ancestors flew out of Holland in Lincolnshire to prevent persecution.  Tri. 
From Crowland, I warrant you, a little before a Moulting time.  Wid. 
Like enough sir. My sister can tell you. Since, by marriage, she was made a Fitchow: Her husband was Fitchow the civil Lawyer; He was called the great Cannonier of the civil Law: because he could discharge or make report of every Canon therein; Canon after Canon, or Canon upon Canon at his finger's ends, as readily as I can tell these pieces.  Tri. 
A fair Demonstration!  Wid. 
He had many rare parts in him, besides sir, as my sister can tell you.  Tri. 
This fellow cannot choose but have a rare sister: He quotes her so!  Wid. 
But all the good I can speak of him is, that he left my sister rich; or at least a reasonable estate, half a score thousand pounds or so: which she, with herself, bestows upon this honourable knight sir Philip Luckless, to be a Lady▪ of that name, and God gi' him joy. And for you: being his kinsman, I shall desire your nearer acquaintance.  Tri. 
In good time sir.  Wid. 
The match was not altogether her own seeking sir, though she refused two Aldermen for him, on my own knowledge.  Tri. 
Might she have had 'em both sir?  Wid. 
I and half a score Aldermen's fellows to boot: yet refused all for him.  Tri. 
In deed six yoke of such cattle would blow up all his acres in a forenoon.  Wid. 
My sister can tell you more sir.  Tri. 
Still she is his Authority. I will see this woman. Sir Philip, here are Guests will applaud your match. Bid 'em welcome▪ God buy.  Ex. Wid▪ 
For my part I honour any Man, that marries my sister. Sir Philip, and my noble brother in expectation, I pray embrace my Governor, Captain Anvil, here; and give him and me our gloves: you shall find him worthy your acquaintance. He has wit, I can tell you; and breaks as many good jests as all the Wits, Fits, and Fancies about the Town, and has trained up many young gentlemen, both here, and in diverse parts beyond the Seas. He was dry nurse (that's one of his own jests upon himself) to the English youth, a dozen years together beyond Sea: And now he is my Governor, and I find profit in it: you cannot think what an ass I was before I met with him: And I mean to travel with him, two or three years hence, myself. In the mean time, he shall spend a hundred a year out of What widgine's purse. Shalt efaith Governour, what ailest thou? art thou not right?  Anv. 
I shall find a time to right myself, I doubt not.  Luc. 
But will you travel at these years' Mr widgeon?  Wid. 
Will you not call me brother? Two days hence when you have married my sister, you must. Must he not, Governor?  Anv. 
Yes an't please him.  Wid. 
He ails something.  Luc. 
Well then, Brother two days hence, will you travel?  Wid. 
I some two years hence, mistake me not. I know I am but young yet: beside I mean to marry first as other young heirs do. And then towry-lowry, faith, my noble Governor, and I! 'twill be brave going into France then: I may learn half their fashions before I go, and bate so much, being taught at when I come there. what's the matter Governor? thou wert not wont to be thus. Is thy money all gone? Here's five pieces to buy pomps against my sister's wedding.  Anv. 
Have I eyes and ears, and can think of trifling Money matters?  Wid. 
Pox on't I had forgot. That scurvy surly gentleman angered him ere while, and put him out of patience. How the hot foam of his rage boil out at his Mouth▪ If I durst go so near the heat of him I would skim the pot.  Anv. 
If I try not this Tridewell; put him to the dearest trial of his life.—  Wid. 
I there 'tis, he will never come to himself till he beat, or be beaten.  Anv. 
Let me have these knocked out; these pulled off; these plucked out, and these sawed off.  Wid. 
I must venture on him. Nay Governor: pray thee consider.—  Anv. 
The time and place you mean. Think you he durst have done it, but in his kinsman's house; he and the multitude of his servants present.  Wid. 
ay, and we know not how many armed men in the next room. Hark Governor.  Luc. 
What things are these! I shall marry into a fine stock! How untimely some considerations fall into my mind▪ My cousin's council, which hath ever been oraculously good; against which I violently bear myself, to mix my blood amongst a race of fools. Had but these thoughts been mine but one day past, they had prevented all that may prove dangerous in this, so great and doubtful undertaking.   

Act. I. Sce. III.  Enter Pate, to Luckles, widgin, Anvile. Pa. 
Sir, there's a gentlewoman would speak with you.  Luc. 
Who is it? Do you not know her?  Pa. 
I never saw her before sir. I asked her name. But I perceived some displeasure in her look (whether it were shame, grief, or anger I know not) that made her conceal it: Only telling me she was a woman very hurtless, and warrantable against your fear.  Wid. 
I warrant 'tis my sister. she frowned, did she not, and looked fightingly? If she did, 'tis my sister, your wife that shall be. She will look so at you, I can tell you, or me, or my Governor, for all he is a Captain. she fears no colours i'faith, to tell you true, she beat him once for a jest he broke upon her Monkey. Is it not she, thinkst thou?  Pa. 
No sir it is not she. I know my Lady that shall be.  Wid. 
My Lady that shall be! how sweetly it chimes. Here's something for that word.  Luc. 
Go bring her up. Good brother widgeon, fly into the next room, with your Governor. I'll wait on you presently.  Ex. Pate. Wid. 
My Lady! And brother widgeon! I must admire. Our house is raised by this two stories higher.—  Ex. Wid. Anv. Luc. 
There's no recalling time; and vows of this high nature are no trifles.   

Act. I. Sce. IIII.  Enter Mistress Trainewell. Tra. 
Sir I suppose you are sir Philip Luckless.  Luc. 
I am the man Lady.  Tra. 
And you are shortly to marry a City Widow, one Mistress Fitchow?  Luc. 
Most true.  Tra. 
For whose dear sake you purchased a four hundred pounds knighthood, to go a-wooing in: out of which she is to give nine thousand pounds for a Ladyship for term of life.  Luc. 
What mean you Gentlewoman?  Tra. 
Sir not to scold, or brawl, (a vice to frequent in our Sex.) But, in few words (and civil ones) to make you sensible of a little of that infinite injury, you have done to one, whose unvaluable portion of virtue makes her fit, (besides the right she has already in you) to take a Bride's place, before your later choice, or any she, whose wealth might weigh down hers. You stand as if you knew not who I mean.  Luc. 
Nor what neither. Sure my name's abused.  Tra. 
Pray sir bethink yourself. Has there not been a former contract made betwixt you and some other.  Luc. 
No. Nor any faithful promise neither.  Tra. 
That I may well believe, when you forget it.  Luc. 
I pray speak nearer to my understanding: whom may you suggest to be the woman so much forgotten?  Tra. 
If you have soul, or sense, you must remember her: No? Read then her name subscribed to that.  Luckles reads. 
If pity, love, or thought of me,  
Live in your breast I need not die.  
But if all these from thence be fled;  
Live you to know, that I am dead.  Constance. 
Farewell good Constance. I am sorry I have no further for thee.  Tra. 
Do you know that name sir?  Luc. 
Yes Lady so well, that I am sorry, that a gentlewoman of your good seeming should have to do for so light a piece of vanity. Leave going o'the devil's Errants: His kingdom's large enough, and too much peopled already.  Tri. 
Pray sir, are you in sober earnest?  Luc. 
I good faith am I.  Tra. 
You are unhappy then. For you shall lose, in this disdain of yours, more honour than your life time in repentance can recover. So fare you well sir.  Ex. Tray. Luc. 
Farewell old Whiskin. Slid I'll marry out o' the way; 'tis time I think: I shall be ta'en up for whore's meat else. Constance! she had a Bastard other day too. What a mischievous Maw has this she Cannibal that gapes for me! 'slight a common Trader, with I know not how many! I marvel she was left out of Cupid's Muster. Sure she bribed the Ballad-maker: One that I have paid at all times too; here's one, there's other▪ And now she hears I am towards marriage pretends a claim to me. And what a Minister she had procured! A Devil in a most gentlewomanlike apparition. It had been well to have pumped her. Is she gone?  En. Pate. Pate. 
Who sir, the Gentlewoman? I put her in her coach.  Luc. 
Her coach! Coaches must needs be common, when their carriages are so. By this light, Oliver, a Bawd; a very Bawd. Where's my brother widgeon, and his Governor, Anvil! They are wholesomer company o' the two, yet.  Ex. Pa. 
A Bawd I Bless my Master's wits. But the best is, if he be mad, there's that at hand will tame him, or any man: A fine Cooler, called Marriage, to take his bachelor's button a hole lower! Can it be possible? she might ha' been Mother o' the Maids, as well, to my seeming; or a Matron, to have trained up the best Lady Daughters in the Country. Here comes her Man, again.   

Act. I. Sce. V.  Enter Beavis, to Pate. Be. 
Is sir Philip Luckless i' the house still sir?  Pa. 
Are you the Cock-bawd to the hen was here, ere while sir.  Be. 
Are you mad, or are you drunk sir?  Pa. 
Come you to bargain for a Punk sir? Faith where's the meeting? where's the Supper? at the Bridge-foot, or the Cat? or where is it?  Be. 
Nay then sir, though your Master be allowed to measure his manners, by his pleasure, here, on his own yard, I'll be bold to pull you out on't by the ears, and beat you into better fashion.  Pa. 
Hold, hold. Pray hold a little sir. I cry you mercy. I might be mistaken. I see thou art a good fellow. I have half a dozen for thee faith. S'foot what big words and terrible action he has! Is this the bawd's language? Pray pardon me sir: I have been overwatched of late, and knew neither place, person, not what I said at the instant.  Be. 
Indeed?  Pa. 
ay sir, 'tis an infirmity I am much troubled withal; a kind of a— between steep and waking— I know not what to call it. I would give twenty nobles to be cured on't. I pray take it not ill sir; I use any man so, when the fits on me, till they throughly wake me.  Be. 
What as I did now? by the ears? Are you come to yourself enough yet? or shall I help you further sir?  Pa. 
No, 'tis very well now I thank you sir. Alas I put my Master to the pains, twice or thrice a week, I assure you, to my grief.  Be. 
A very strange disease! How might you get it?  Pa. 
Faith I fell into 't first, with a conceit I took for overbuying a bargain of Drink. Your business with my Master sir? I pray.  Be. 
Only to speak with him from the Gentlewoman was here e'en now.  Pa. 
I shall acquaint him with it.  Be. 
I shall be your servant.  Pa. 
I pray pardon my error.  Be. 
And you my boldness.  Ex. Pa. 
O not so sir. Well master Pimp I have a plot upon your employment, as bravely as you carry it. I know he is a Bawd by his outfacing. And I do humble and disguise my Manhood to work on him by policy: And if I put not a fine slur upon him for all his brave bravados, than Oliver Pate has no brains; nor is there any difference betwixt a Servingman and a Pandar.—  Ex. Be. 
What a Trimtram trick is this? the Master and the Man both brain-crazed; as the one used me, so did the other my Mistress. But I have brought this into a kind of civil sense again. Do we look like Bawds? There is some strange ground for this mistaking. I am sure she has ever been reputed a virtuous Gentlewoman; and has now the government, and bringing up of a Virgin, of a most hopeful goodness. And I think, I know myself; and dare beat any Man into a better construction of my quality.  Ent. Pate. Pa. 
Now wit, and be thy will! Sir, my Master desires to be excused: for he is with some friends, on private business, concerning his Marriage; which is to be tomorrow. But says, if it please you to meet him in the Evening, between four, and five, in the great Palace; and conduct him to the Gentlewoman, he will attend her with his best service.  Be. 
Between four, and five in the Palace: but how shall I know him? I never saw him.  Pa. 
As I wished: But you may easily. He is of a comely stature; and will be in a red cloak and a white Feather, Besides I'll wait on him.  Be. 
I thank you sir.  Ex. Pa. 
Fare you well sir. Good Foist, I shall make a Whiskin of you now, and for nothing too. I have been a little bold with my Master's name in this answer; the knowledge of which he is unguilty of. I saw how he shifted her off: Therefore I will further be bold both with his name and person, which I will put upon a friend in store. My special friend, Captain Anvil, a notable lecherous Tup: He has been at me for a bit out of my Masters flock any time these three weeks. I'll pleasure him with her for ready money. I know 'tis some cast stuff, that my Master has done withal. And let him take what follows.  Ex.  

Act. I. Sce. VI.  Enter Fitchow, Howdee, with Ink and Paper. Fit. 
Well sir. And what said Master Luckless?  Ho. 
Sir Philip you mean forsooth.  Fit. 
The very same sir. But I begin to call him now, as I must call him hereafter. Lady's do not call their husbands, as they are Knights: as sir Philip, sir Timothy, or sir Gregory. Did you ever hear my Lady Squelch call her husband sir Paul? No. But master Squelch. Indeed all others must sir them by their Christen names; because they are Knights, and to be known from other men: only their own wives must master them, by their Surnames; because they are Ladies, and will not know them from other men. But to our business. What said he to you?  Ho. 
His worship said forsooth—  Fit. 
Nay, What said you to him first? I love to hear things in order.  Ho. 
I said that as you bade me forsooth.  Fit. 
As I bade you, Clotpoll? what was that? Shall I ever mould thee into a Gentleman Usher thinkst thou, that stand'st so? Come forwards sir, and repeat.  Ho. 
My Mistress commends her best love unto your Worship; and desires to know how your Worship came home last night; and how your Worship have rested; and how your Worship does this morning? she hopes the best of your worship's health; and would be glad to see your Worship at your Worships best leisure.  Fit. 
This was very well: word for word as I instructed. But did you worship him so much?  Ho. 
Yes truly, and he commended me for it; and said I showed my breeding.  Fit. 
Now sir. His answer? in his own words.  Ho. 
Quoth he. I thank thy Mistress, and I thank thee. Prithee commend my service to her, and tell her, my worship came home upon my worship's foot-cloth; my worship took very good rest, in my worship's bed: My worship has very little to do this Morning, and will see her at my worship's leisure.  Fit. 
Did he say so?  Ho. 
'twas either so, or so much I am sure. But he did not make me repeat, as you did, till I had con it by heart.  Fit. 
Well Howdie get you down. And do you hear Howdee? If sir Paul Squelch come, bring him up.  Ho. 
I will forsooth Mistress.  Fit. 
I bade you learn to call me madam.  Ho. 
I shall forsooth madam.  Fit. 
You shall forsooth madam. 'tis but a day to't; and I hope one may be a Lady one day before her time.  How. 
A day too soon ● doubt in this forward age.  Ex. Fit. 
In the mean time, let me study my remembrances for after marriage.  
Imprimis, To have the whole sway of the house; and all domestical affairs; as of accounts of household charges, placing and displacing of all servants in general; To have free liberty, to go on all my visits; and though my knight's occasions be never so urgent, and mine of no moment, yet to take from him the command of his Coach; To be in special fee with his best trusted servant; nor to let one live with him, that will not bewray all his counsels to me. To study and practise the Art of jealousy; To feign anger, melancholy, or sickness, to the life. These are Arts that women must be well practised in, ere they can attain to wisdom, and aught to be the only study of a widow, from the death of her first husband, to the second: From the second to the third, matters of deeper moment; From the third to the fourth deeper yet; And so proportionably to the seventh, if she be so long blessed with life: But of these I may find time hereafter to consider in order as they fall. Besides, in all, to be singular in our will; to reign, govern, ordain laws and break 'em, make quarrels and maintain 'him; profess truths, devise falsehoods; protest obedience, but study nothing more than to make our husbands so; Control, controvert, contradict, and be contrary to all conformity: To which end we must be sure to be armed always with prick and praise of the deceased; and carry the Inventory of our goods, and the gross sum of our Dowry perpetually in our mouths. Then does a husband tickle the spleen of a woman, when she can anger him to please him; chide him to kiss him; Mad him to humble him; make him stiff necked to supple him; and hard-hearted to break him; to set him up, and take him down, and up again, and down again, when, and as often as we list.  Enter Howdee. Ho. 
madam.  Fit. 
I marry, now thou sayst well.  Ho. 
An'dt please your Ladyship.  Fit. 
Well said again.  Ho. 
One M. Tridewell, ● Gentleman, desires to speak with your Ladyship, from Sir Philip.  Fit. 
Tridewell! O it is Sir Phillip's Kinsman. I have heard him speak much good of him; and entreated me to give him good respect; which were enough to mar his entertainment, had I not another purpose of mine own, that may prove as ill. Bring him up Howdee.  Ho. 
I will madam—  Exit. Fit. 
I that was very well. This Howdee do I mean with a cast Gown to put in apparel, and make my Gentleman Usher; Not only for the aptness of his name, to go on my visits; but for his proportionable talon of wit and manners.   

Act. I. Sce. VII.  Enter Tride well to Fitchow, Tri. 
If I can yet redeem him, he is happy. By your leave Lady: May my boldness prove pardonable?  Fit. 
Sir the name of him, you come from, is warrant sufficient to make your welcome here: All that is here being his.  Tri. 
Is this she trow!  Fit. 
I understand you come from Sir Philip Luckless.  Tri. 
'Tis true, I brought his name thus far to enter me to your presence. But here I shake it off, as I would do his remembrance: but that I know him too well.  Fit. 
Too well Sir? How mean you?  Tri. 
Too well indeed Lady; but in the ill part. I know him to be no equal Match for you. Yet I hear you receive him as a Suitor.  Fit. 
Right Sir. and him only.  Tri. 
It is not gone so far I hope.  Fit. 
Beshrew me but it is; and farther too Sir. He has all wooed and won me.  Tri. 
Beshrew your fortune then. And if my counsel;  
The friendliest counsel e'er you hearkened to,  
Stop not your venturous foot from one step further,  
(For now you are upon the brink of danger)  
You fall into a Sea of endless sorrows.  Fit. 
This is pretty!  Tri. 
Look back into yourself; read o'er your Story,  
Find the content the quiet mind you lived in,  
The wealth, the peace, the pleasure you enjoyed;  
The free command of all you had beneath you,  
And none to be commanded by above you.  
Now glance your eye on this side, on the yoke,  
You bring your neck to, laden down with cares,  
Where you shall faintly draw a tedious life,  
And every step encounter with new strife.  
Then, when you groan beneath your burdenous charge,  
And wearily chance to revert a look  
Upon the price you gave for this sad thraldom,  
You'll feel your heart stabbed through with many a woe,  
Of which one dies not while a thousand grow.  
All will be then too late: Now is the time,  
Now rings the warning bell unto your breast:  
Where if you can but entertain a thought,  
That tells you how you are beset with danger,  
You are secure; Exclude it, you are lost  
To endless sorrows, bought with dearest cost.  Fit. 
Pray Sir deal freely with me. What respect  
Moves you to make this strong dissuasion?  
Is it your care of me? or love of him?  Tri. 
A subtle question! This woman is not brainless.  
Love of him Lady? If this can be love,  
To seek to cross him, in so great a hope,  
As your enjoying; being all the means,  
Or possibility he has to live on;  
If it be love to him, to let you know  
How lewd and dissolute of life he is,  
By which his fortunes being sunk, he is grown  
The scorn of his acquaintance, his friends trouble,  
Being the common borrower of the Town.  
A Gallant lights not a Tobacco Pipe,  
But with his borrowing letters (she's not moved)  
And if you put him off a fortnight longer,  
he'll be laid up for moneys he took up  
To buy his Knighthood; besides his deep engagements  
To Goldsmith, Silkman, tailor, milliner,  
Sempster, Shoemaker, Spurrier, Vintner, Tapster,  
(All stirs her not, she stands as if prepared  
To hear as much of truth and bear with it.)  
Men of all Trades, and Occupations,  
From his Mercer downward to his Waterman,  
Have ventured the last sixpence on his Credit;  
And all but wait to pay themselves from you.  
And I may well imagine how't would grieve  
A woman of your wealth, to disburse all,  
To save a Knight out of his Ward i'th' Counter;  
And lack with all his company at home;  
While he frequents youthful society  
To make more charge for Nurseries abroad:  
For I have heard him say you are old; and that  
It is your wealth he marries, and not you.  
If this be love to him, that I discover  
(The means to save you to be his undoing,)  
Let no man take a friend's help in his wooing.  Fit. 
And how this should proceed from care of me  
Falls not into my understanding Sir.  Tri 
Consider Lady—  Fit. 
Sir I have considered  
Before, and in your speech, and since; and cannot  
By all that can be said remove a thought.  
I loved him not for words: Nor will I use  
Words against yours: 'twere poor expression  
Of love to boast it. 'tis enough I know it.  
Boasters of love, how can we Lovers call,  
When most of such love one no more than all.  Tri. 
Sure, I was much mistaken in this woman.  Fit. 
Nor would I have you to expect a railing,  
To say you basely wrong the Gentleman:  
A way so common, common women use it.  
But this Sir I will say, I were too blame  
If I should think your love to him were less  
Than the great care of me, you seem to urge,  
As you pretend it is.  Tri. 
She will discover me.  Fit. 
You are his Kinsman nearly; and reputed,  
By his own mouth, his best of chosen friends;  
My self an utter stranger, one from whom  
You never had, or can expect least good.  
And why you should, for a respect so contrary,  
Call my poor wit in question to believe you,  
Is most unconscionable.  Tri. 
methink I stand  
Like a false witness 'gainst another's life,  
Ready to take his punishment.  Fit. 
Nor will I fondly think you meant to seek,  
Crossing his Match, to make it for yourself:  
Both for my known unworthiness; and your  
Depraving him being no possible way  
To make me think the better of your worth.  Tri. 
Can this be she? how strangely am I taken!  Fit. 
But I forgive, and charitably think  
All this brought no ill purpose; pretty Pageantry  
Which may hereafter, 'mong our marriage mirth,  
Fill up a Scene: for now I'll take no notice.  
Indeed I will not: you may, if you please,  
And tell your coz how heinous I take it.  Tri. 
If thou hast mercy, Love, keep't from my heart.  
will't please you hear me?  Fit. 
Sir I have, enough.  
And crave but leave to speak this little to you,  
Which shall by heaven be uncontrolled as Fate.  
If I shall find him bad, I'll blame my fortune:  
Never repent or thank you for your counsel.  
If I shall find him good; and all this false,  
Which you so violently have urged against him;  
I'll love him ne'er the more, nor you the worse:  
For I am not so poor, nor weakly spirited,  
That should all friends to whom my faith is bound,  
Say on their knowledge, that all this were true,  
And that one hours' protraction of our Marriage  
Should make't appear, that I would give allowance  
To all their bugbear reasons, to defer  
That hour the uniting of our hands: because  
Our hearts are linked by the Divinest laws.  Tri. 
What have I done? The curse of overweening brains,  
Shame, and disgrace are guerdon of my pains.  
O, I shall fall beneath the scorn of fools:  
A punishment as just, as great for such,  
That do in things, concern them not, too much.  Fit. 
What ails the Gent?  Tri. 
Oh what a settled rock of Constancy  
She planteth her affection? not to move,  
Though all the breath of slanderous reproach,  
Driving tempestuous clouds and storms of horror,  
Should beat, at once, against it.  Fit. 
Sir How d'ee?  Enter Howdee. Ho. 
madam.  Fit. 
Not you Sir.  Tri 
I would I had not seen, at least not heard her  
In all so contrary to all opinion.  Fit. 
You are not well Sir.  Tri. 
They said she was old, unhandsome, and uncivil,  
Forward, and full of womanish distemper.  
she's none of these: but opposite in all.  Fit. 
Sir.  Tri. 
My witty purpose was to save my friend  
From such a hazard; and to loathe her so,  
That I might make her loathsome to his fancy:  
But I myself am fall'n into that hazard;  
To wrong my friend; to burn in lawless love;  
Which oh that prayers or penance may remove.  Fit. 
You are not going Sir?  Tri. 
I beg your pardon; dare not look upon you.—  Ex. Fit. 
Gone in a dream▪ Well, I perceive this juggling.  
This strain was only to explore the strength  
Of my affection to my luckless Knight.  
For which, if both their Cunnings I not fit,  
Let me be called the barren wife of wit.  
The end of the first Act.    


Act. II. Sce. I.  Fitchow. Fit. 
The strangeness of this Gentleman's action will not out of my mind yet. Sir Philip could not but have a hand in it. does he repent his bargain already; and desire to be quit with loss of his earnest? 'tis but his faith and troth.  Enter widgeon, Anvile. Wid. 
Sister, where are you? My Governor and I are come to wait upon you in sir Philip Luckless coach. It waits at door for you; and what to do think you?  Fit. 
I can not tell. Perhaps to invite me forth into the air of hyacinth or marrowbone; or else—  Wid. 
Or else me no or elses, sister, you cannot guess it. And I was a fool to ask you the question, now I think on't.  Fit. 
That was well remembered brother.  Wid. 
Sister, you are to be a Lady, within this half hour. Your knight is ready, so is the Parson too. My Governor here knows.  An. 
Yes Lady; and that he entreats you, to bear with the suddenness of the occasion, which he protests, deeply urges him to be married presently; desiring you not to trouble yourself in examination of his reasons: for upon his honesty and honour, the end of it is for good to you both. Come sweet madam (now I am bold to give you your due title) your knight is ready pressed on his adventures (d'ee hear) and 'tis only you, that he seeks to encounter.  Wid. 
There's a jest now: but she understands it not. He makes her an Infidel, a wild beast or a Monster, by that word Encounter; what do Knights adventurers encounter else? look all the Mirror over. he'll encounter her. O the wit of a Governor!  An. 
'tis as I say Madame, (d'ee hear) the good fit's come on him.  Wid. 
Ever at the tail of his d'ee hear, I am sure to smell a jest: the fits come on him:  Fit. 
This sudden importunity confirms my former doubt: He thinks his Scarecrow will make me keep off now; but he is cozened. Well sir. He shall find me obedient to his hand. I am in all prepared to meet his purposes; Though, Brother I had thought to had conference this Morning with sir Paul Squelch touching a match for you.  Wid. 
For me sister: ha' you found out a wife for me? ha' you? pray speak, ha' you?  Fit. 
And a good match too brother; Sir Paul's Niece: on whom, he, being childless, means to bestow a large Dowry.  Wid. 
By my faith, and he may do't. He is rich Governor; one of the best Ten i'th' hundred men about this Town.  Fit. 
He is a right good man. Within there. En. Howd .Bid Flaps your fellow bring my Fan and Masque.  Ex. Howd. An. 
Is he bounteous and liberal ha? does he make large Suppers and lend money. D'ee hear? Is he good at that?  Wid. 
Nay, there you mistake Governor. A good man i'th' City is not called after his good deeds, but the known weight of his purse. One, whose name any Usurer can read without spectacles; One that can take up more with two fingers and a thumb upon the Exchange, than the great man at Court, can lift with both his hands; One that is good only in riches, and wears nothing rich about him but the Gout, or a thumb Ring with his grandsire's sheepmark, or Granam's butterprint on't, to seal bags, acquittances and Counter-names.  Enter Maid, Howdee, with Mask and Fan. An. 
A Butterprint?  Wid. 
I 'twere a cunning Herald could find better Arms for some of 'em: though I have heard ●●r Paul Squelch protest he was a gentleman, and might quarter a coat by his wife's side. Yet I know he was but a Grazier when he left the Country; And my Lord his father whistled to a team of horses (they were his own indeed.) But now he is right worshipful, and I would I had his Niece unsight and unseen i'faith for her moneys sake. You never heard me ask if she were fair or handsome, d'ee mark that sister? My father's rule right. And if I be not a true widgeon. (God forgive me) I think he was none.  Fit. 
But she is very fair brother, and very hansome and the prettiest innocent country thing withal. Do I want nothing here?  Wid. 
I now you bring me to bed sister.  May. 
Your Masque sits well forsooth.  Fit. 
But where's my Wimple forsooth?  May. 
Upon the Cupboards head, pray Humphrey fetch it.  Ex. Howdee. Wid. 
He lives not that loves a Country thing like me▪ Alas none loves a Country thing like me. And though I am a Cockney, and was never further than Hammersmith; I have read the Country man's common wealth; and can discourse of Soccage and Tenure, freehold, Copyhold; Lease, Demeans, Fee-simple and Fee-tail, Ploughing, Hedging, Diking, Grubbing, occupying any Country thing whatsoever; and take as much pleasure in't, as the best Clown borne of 'em all.  Fit. 
And she is very young, not above fifteen, brother.  
How this fellow stays! Go you.  Ex Maid. An. 
And that's a safe age for a Maid in the country: d'ee hear?  Wid. 
Pardon me Governor. I do hear and not hear thee at this time.  Fit. 
And sings, and speaks so pretty northenly they say.  An. 
Is she Northern (d'ee hear) will she not shrink i' the wetting?  Wid. 
Governor, I know thou spok'st a jest now, by thy d'ee hear: but prithee forgive me; I cannot applaud nor mark thee at this time.  Enter Howdee with a Wimble. Fit. 
What makes you stay so? I fear you have been among my sweet meats.  How. 
she said it was upon the Cupboard; and it was under the Cupboard.  Fit. 
Is this my Wimple? Do you bring Carpenters tools to dress me withal.  Ent. Maid. Ma. 
Here is your Wimple forsooth.  Fit. 
I shall teach you to know a difference between gentlewomen's gear and Carpenters tools. I shall  Wid. 
Nay, she is so vexed now I Dear sister to the Country Lass again. You said, she spoke and sung Northernly. I have a great many Southern songs already. But Northern airs nips it dead. York York for my money.  Fit. 
Yes brother she is Northern, and speaks so: for she has ever lived in the Country, till this last week, her Uncle sent for her up to make her his child, cut of the Bishopric of Durham.  Wid. 
Bishop, nor Bishopric shall hold her from me.  Fit. 
And brother—  Wid. 
Sister no more, though I have never seen her. No Bishopric i'th' land from me shall win her. If you will go, and clap hands with your knight, come; I would see you matched first: because that will add some honour to the Widgines, when myself shall be brother to a Lady. I shall write first of that name. And then am I no sooner married, Governor, but we will set our travels afoot: to know Countries, and Nations, Sects and Factions, Men and Manners; Language and Behaviour.  
And so in height of compliment grow complete  
More goes to making of a Man, then meat.  Exeunt.  

Act. II. Sce. II.  Enter Trainewell, Constance. Tra. 
Pray tell me; and tell me truly. What is the most has passed between you? If it be the main loss of your Maidenhead, it shall ne'er go further: therefore let me know it.  Con 
As I live Mistress Trainwell, all that ere he had o'me was but a kiss. But I must tell ye, I wished it a thousand, thousand till him.  Tra. 
How often have you seen him?  Con. 
Faith but that bare eance neither, and your seln were by too. Trow ye that I'd not tell ye and 'twere maer. By my conscience Mrs. Trainwell I lee not.  Tra. 
That once that I saw him with you, your Uncle was there, too, in the Orchard, but last week.  Con. 
Vary true, Mine Uncle was then by too. And he brought sir Philip to see his Orchard. And what did he then do, trow you, but took me thus by th' hand, and thus he kissed me; he said I were a deft Lass: but there he fiend. But for my life I could not but think, he war the likest man that I had seen with mine eyen; and could not devise the thing I had, might be unbeggen by him. Then by and by as we walked, he asked mine Uncle, gin he would give him me to make a Lady till him. And by my troth Mistress Trainwell, I lee not, I blushed and looked upon him as I would feign a head it so: Mine Uncle said yes, and sir Philip shook my hand, and good faith my heart joyed at it. God gin the Priest had been by. But I thought all sure enough; and would not ha' sold my part for the Spanish lady's jointure. But straight anon mine Uncle and he fell on other talk, of Lords and Ladies, and many foud like things, I minded not: For I is we'll sure, this kept me waking ere since. And God pardon me what I misthought every hour i'th' night.  Tra. 
How have you made me wrong this Gentleman, to challenge him as if he had been your due upon this idle compliment? when I undertook the Message, I presumed (for so your words did intimate to me) you had been sure, as fast as faith could bind you, man and wife. Where was my discretion? Now I perceive this was but common Courtship; and no assurance of a Marriage promise.  Con. 
I wot not what he meant. But I is we'll sure, I'll ne'er be sure to any Man but he. And if he love me not as we'll, God pardon him. For I meant him none ill.  Tra. 
I know not how to counsel or comfort you, until I hear him speak. My man tells me, he appointed him to meet, and bring him to you about this hour. Poor heart I pity thee. Before thou come to half my years thou wilt forget to love half so truly.  E●t. Beavis. Bea. 
Mistress.  Tra. 
O, are you come? where's the Knight?  Bea. 
He stays below, and willed me to come up first, to to make his passage clear and secure.  Tra. 
That was discretion.  Bea. 
Rather fear I think: for he asked me if the house were not much haunted with Roarers or Swaggerers, poniards and pistols: whether there were not an Assurer for it as upon the Exchange, as if his life were upon hazard? whether a Man might come on without loss of credit, and off without need of a Surgeon? Much odd talk he delivers; that in my conceit betrays, at once, both a lascivious and cowardly disposition; and upon my understanding, cannot be so generous, or nobly spirited, as he is received. Do what you will.  Tra. 
I suspect something.  Con. 
Will he not come Mrs. Trainwell?  Tra. 
Yes sweetheart. But go you to your Chamber and let me have a word before you see him. Go call him in. Do so sweetheart. I'll not be long.  Con. 
I'll do aught you bid me God gin I saw him eance.  Ex. Con.  

Act. II. Sce. III.  Enter Anvile, Beauis. An. 
A place of fair promising! How have I lived that never discovered this place before? This place royal! But sought my recreation, in by-lanes, and sluttish corners, unsavoury Allies and Ditch sides? when here the whole house is perfumed: An Earl might think it his own lodging; Ladies might come to see the pictures, and not blush, to go in or out unmasked.  Bea. 
Sir, will you speak to my Mistress? The man is transported sure!  An. 
I understand thy office, leads thee no further; thy pains are abroad and below stairs. Here honest Fetch. Look thee, here's the poor price of a new pair of shoes; take it. Descend, and execute thy duty.  Tra. 
Bless me! this is another man. More abuse yet?  An. 
Now gentlewoman to you. What fees belong to your Key? Come, where's the bed? where's the party? Here's the man: her●'s the money. Chunke chunke you old Gamester, dost hear? Here's half a piece to buy thee complexion, sack or Aquavitae. What thou lik'st.  Tra. 
What are you sir I pray?  An. 
Faith one that's a little ill given at this time. Where's the piece? here are the pieces ● tell thee.  Tra. 
What piece sir? If you can imagine what you are, where you are, what you would have, or where you would be, I pray tell me sir. I'll do the best I can to satisfy you. O' my discretion will I sir.  An. 
Give me but a little space to wonder at thy strange demands and I will tell thee, good discretion. If I should purchase a broken coxcomb, or bruised ribs now, for mistaking another man's habit, the smart were only mine. The villain swore to me, his Master was sent for; and that his Master swore this was a Bawd to his choice Whore, newly entertained; and that she knew not him, and might well mistake me for him. On which presumption I have waded thus far: and if I stick in the Mud, or be driven back by a tempest, I am armed. 'tis not the first time I have been weather-beaten, or Dry-beaten, d'ee hear?  Tra. 
Sir.  An. 
You do not know me? or, at least, not remember me?  Tra. 
If I err therein sir, I hope your pardon. For as you shall reveal yourself, I shall either repent me of my oblivion, or accuse you of unadvisedness.  An. 
she speaks like the wife of an Orator, that could dictate her husband's speeches! Were not you this Morning at sir Philip Luckless lodging? spoke not you with him? sent you not for him afterwards to repair hither to the party? And know you not the man?  Tra. 
O infinite abuse! Sir I cry you mercy. I hope you will pardon my weak sightedness. The world's ●ad and we love to deal securely. Could not your worship make yourself known sooner? Please you to entertain you self here a while, I will instantly provide for your better welcome. O horrible indignity! But if Porters and cudgels may be had for money, and I fit you not, let me lose my discretion. I am furnished with blankets already.—  Ex. An. 
I will instantly provide for your better welcome! Will you so? 'twill pass: and by this light I think for my Master's jest: I will recover my charges, and gain over and above for three returns more with the bare repetition of it out of one man's purse, the widgeon. My jests are his nutriment; and my wit is his own, he pays so duly for it. If the Wench be but pleasing, now, ●o my expectation, my felicity is crowned.  Tra. 
O child, we are undone.  Con. 
marry, God shield Mrs. Trainwell. Is he geane? Must I not see him?  Tra. 
A lass it is not he: but some Villain sent by him to vex and spite you. One that persuades himself, we are of those common creatures▪ that sell their honesties.  Con. 
Heaven bliss us, and give us leave to dee first. Can he be so unkind, to scorn me so, Woe is me.  Tra. 
He is so dishonourable. But I will fit his Undertaker, whate'er he be. Look you, is that he think you?  Con. 
O we'll a near Mistress Trainwell! Sir Philip is the likest man that ere you saw days o' your life. This Lozel dow not. Nor would he send him. So trim a Man cannot have like bad purpose.  Ent. Beauis. Be. 
Mistress, there's a Gentleman, one Master Tridewell, that says he is sir Phillip's Kinsman, will by all means speak with him.  Tra. 
Sweet heart, can you dissemble your sorrow with a Song, to pass a little time? I'll down and sift out the subtlety of this deceit.  An. 
There is no government under the Sun, like the politic government of a Bawdy-house.  she sings above. 

Song.  
You say my Love is but a Man.  
But I can find more odds.  
Twixt him and others than I can,  
find between him and Gods.  
He has in's eye  
such Majesty.  
His shape is so divine.  
That were I Owner of the world.  
He only should be mine.   An. 
Sweet prologue to the ensuing Interlude Bea. Dost hear me honest fellow? was this the Parties voice?  Bea. 
Only hers upon my sincerity sir.  An. 
Excellent! She has raised my desire above her notes. Why am I thus ravished, and yet delayed?  Bea. 
Sir, for that my Mistress craves your Pardon. 'tis not her neglect, that works upon your patience; But the necessity to rid a troublesome Lord or two out of the house, before the Party can appear to you. But please you to obscure yourself in this dark Closet, while I convey them hence, and then, instantly, the top Gallant of pleasure shall crown your mainmast, she says.  An. 
O how her wit and care revives me! From hence forth she is my Bawd for ever. My discretion! But are they wholesome Lords Sirrah?  Bea. 
'tis no matter for any thing they did here sir, I warrant you. In quickly pray sir.  An. 
Must I be locked in?  Bea. 
You cannot be safe else sir.  An. 
The politic government of this little common wealth!   

Act. II. Sce. IIII  Enter Tridewell, Trainewell. Tri. 
Indeed Lady, I am so far from being in any plot herein, that I protest it was merely by his outside, and that in the doubtful light of the Evening, that I could guess 'twas he. And had he been denied, I had gone well satisfied, it had been some other man. Which if it prove, and so his name be abused— Or if it be he indeed, though hitherto my most respected x, that offers such an outrage, as you deliver it to be: I am so much a friend to honesty, that let me but see the man or beast, I'll do the fair office of a Gentleman to right you. Indeed Lady I will.  Tra. 
You profess nobly sir. First will it please you, see this Gentlewoman; so much the servant of your Kinsman? What she is I have told you. Only I present her to your judgement, whether her outward seeming may deserve such scorn?  Ent. Constance. Tri. 
Alas fair Lady, would they injure you?  Con. 
Yea faith, and scorn me too sir. Ill betide them. But and you do me help, and my sir Philip love me, God reward you.  Tri. 
And has your youth and beauty placed your love on him?  Con. 
Good ●eath sir, I may not say how well I love him: But were I one of near ●a mickle, heest e'en have all. And yet he loves me not.  Tri. 
Indeed 'tis pitiful. Weep not sweet Lady. He shall love ye.  Con. 
Now God's benison light o'ye for it.  Tri. 
Show me the mischief, that hath abused us all. Can you conceal him longer?  Tra. 
In thus much▪ to conjure you by your Manhood; to do nothing that law may question, to your, or our disvantage: we shall not need,  
For our own ●ight, to do ourselves misdeed. Therefore take this in hand.—  a rope's end. Tri. 
You do instruct me well. Pray let me see him.  Anvile out of the Closet. An. 
Oh for a large Window, one of the last edition, to leap out with half my life or limbs.  Con. 
Lo ye lo ye, the worst like man to Sir Philip ye saw in all your days.  Tri. 
Mischievous Devil! What magical madness conjured you into this shape?  
Indeed I'll conjure you out on't.  An. 
Oh hold: for heaven's sake hold. I'll confess.  Beats him. Tri. 
Nay, indeed I'll beat you a little first, you'll confess the better. 'twill come the easier from you. 'tis a good preparative.  An. 
Oh! oh, I'll confess any thing.  Tri. 
No sir, not any thing. But the truth the truth sir.  An. 
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth to help me—  Tri. 
You would be swearing now would you? there's for that.  An. 
No indeed, indeed, and indeed la I will not.  Tra. 
Good sir no more. What may this poor thing be, that br●● 'it ●o but now?  Tri. 
I'll tell you Lady. The most notorious, base, beaten Rascal about the Town. 'twere lost breathe to say more by him. He is as you see▪ Only is name is Anvil: and they that know him not, call him Captain.  Bea. 
Anvil? Pray sit let me try in▪ blade on him too.  Tri. 
I pray thee do, to lave me a labour: for he is not half beaten yet.  Beavis beats him. An. 
Oh, oh. Ladies speak for me. ha' you no mercy?  Tra. 
Hold. No more.  Tri. 
Well sir, thank the Ladies. Now sir, put this lady's favour here in your pocket; and keep it there till I call for it. And mark what I say, if ever I find thee without this Instrument or the like, when I shall call for it, to beat them (mark me) indeed I'll beat thee dead. And now to your examination. How got your rotten Mutton ship into this Lion's case? was it by the Owners knowledge? was the Master of these Clothes privy to your undertaking? Answer sirrah, bonafide, I or no.  An. 
No upon my life; only his Man abused me for my Money.  Tri. 
What presumption made you think so vilely of these Gentlewomen?  An. 
Sir Phillips own words to his Man, upon a letter this Lady delivered to him this Morning.  Tri. 
The Error's found. Her name you say is Constance, which likewise is the name of a prostituted Strumpet, with whom, 'tis thought, the wantonness of his youth hath held former familiarity; and now it seems makes doubt, imagining that letter to be hers, that she pretends a claim to him.  An. 
Right sir: which he took so contemptuously, that instantly he resolved to marry the Widow, Mistress Fitchow; and was this Morning married privately in a Chamber, within an hour after you saw him.  Con. 
And I undone than.  Tri. 
And I if it be so.  An. 
It is undoubtedly true. I saw them married, and dined with them, at his lodging, where they will sup too: But after Supper they go to her house in the Town to bed.  Tri. 
This fool mistaking we shall all repent; if we prevent not what may issue from it.  Tra. 
Alas sir all will be too late.  Tri. 
Will you but trust my service for your honour?  Tha 
we will wait on you sir.  Tri. 
Then Sir for this time you shall be reprieved,  
from further penance: Rise and be our Guide.  
But keep your fear still: for if all our art  
Miscarry, thou art sure to share the smart.  Ex.  

Act. II. Sce. V.  Enter Pate, Hewdee. Pa. 
Brother Humfrey, take my hand and word for thy instructions. I will acquaint thee with an old lady's Usher, in the Strand, that shall give thee thy Gait, they Postures, thy Language, thy Habit, and thy whole charge in so plain a Method, that thou shalt instantly start up as pretty a Gentleman Usher, none dispraised as any between Temple-bar and Charing-Cross; marry further I cannot promise your But prithee tell me. Is our Lady of so hot a temper and stately carriage as she is reputed?  Ho. 
O I brother. She must command all, or all shall smoke for't. she did so in my old Master's days I am sure. And he glad of peace at that rate too.  Pa. 
But how is she to her servants? Bountiful and free?  Ho. 
Yes both of her voice, and hands.  Pa. 
She will not strike will she?  Ho. 
And she could bite as well, the rankest jade that ere was curried could not come neat her.  Pa. 
Heaven be good to us! she ne'er struck thee, did she?  Ho. 
'tis no matter for that.  Pa. 
Nay brother, you know we have vowed to be all one: the Marriage hath united us. Prithee tell me.  Ho. 
she broke me a tooth once with a death's Headring on her finger? it had like to ha' cost me my life! 't has been a true Memento to me ever since: bobs o' the lips, tweaks by the nose, cuffs o'the ear, and trenchers at my head in abundance.  Pa. 
Will she throw too?  Ho. 
Any thing she can lift. and makes us pay for all she breaks, though she break our heads or races withal. Fan-handles, Looking-glasses or any thing.  Pa. 
we shall have a foul h● use on't I fear▪ But since it is too late, fight Dog, fight bear. I'll turn my Master lose to her. Here they come. By this light methinks they look as if they were fallen out already.   

Act. II. Sce. VI.  Enter luckless, Fitchow, Waiting-woman, widgeon, and Bulfinch. At the other door Squelch, Nonsense, and Beauis. Squ. 
Though I were absent at the Ceremony, I now bring my wishes of much joy.  Luc. 
And not too late I hope sir Paul. we may yet carry them to bed with us▪  Fit. 
You had been chiefly sir invited, had we not stolen a day from Time, to have done a● others' part at Church, to which in your absence, I entreated our worthy friend Mr: App Apprehension Bulfinch here.  Squ. 
Master Bulfinch, I rejoice to meet you here directly. Look you sir. Do you know this young Gentleman?  Bul. 
Yes sure, methinks I should know him. But I am sure I never saw him before. ha—  Squ. 
Have you forgot sir Hercules?  Bul. 
I apprehend him to be Master Salomon Nonsense, Son and Heir to my right worthy friend, sir Hercules' Nonsense of Cornwall. If you be not he sir. I am sure it is you. I may be deceived, but I am certain 'tis he.  Luc. 
He is doubtful, but yet he is sure he knows him. What a Bulfinch is this I sure 'tis his language they call bull-speaking.  Non. 
You say very well sir. And never credit me as you knew my Father, I would be very ready, as you know how duty binds: for because it is a usual thing in these days, desiring the love and friendship, I protest and vow sir. I should—  Luc. 
Most perfect Nonsense! this is a finer youth than other. My wife's acquaintance are most answerable to her Kindred.  Squ. 
'tis so directly Master Bulfinch, and I have brought him to Town— I understand my Niece is in your house, my Lady Bride. Is she employed in your Chamber?  Fit. 
she is not here sir. Is she Howdee?  Ho. 
Certes no madam.  Squ. 
How! not here? Sirrah what did you tell me?  Bea. 
What shall I say or do? 〈…〉 hanged directly.  Squ. 
How was she accompanied?  Bea. 
By my Mistress sir, and few Gentlemen of her acquaintance, whose names I know not.  Squ. 
Knavery, Villainy and Thievery! ● smell it rank. she's stolen, she's gone directly.  Wid. 
'tis indirectly sir if she be stolen. There your word fails you.  Squ. 
If she be in the land I will recover her, I hope I shall find as much right in Law, as a broker or a joiner.  Fit. 
Good sir Paul, I have not seen you thus distempered. What afflicts you?  Squ. 
Oh Mistress Fitchow, my Niece, my Niece.  Widg. 
he's mad I think. Sir you forget my sister is a lady.  Squ. 
she's is lost, she's stolen, and all my joy is gone. My Niece my Constance.  Luc. 
Constance!  Fit. 
Who your young Niece that came lately out of the Country?  Wid. 
My Country thing sister, that you promised me?  Squ. 
Promised you? I am abused. I do suspect you accessaries. Sir I have purposed and promised her to this Gentleman. And here I charge you to restore her me.  Wid. 
Are you the Man sir that must have her?  Non. 
Never credit me sir, if I have her, or have her not to my knowledge.  Squ. 
Sir Philip, you are courteous and noble: as you will continue so in opinion of honest men, let me have right.  Luc. 
Sir Paul, upon my faith I am ignorant of any such wrong. And, for her part, should she fare amiss, I should suffer in her injury equally with yourself: for I professed to you, I did love the Lass so well; and at the first sight, that had I not been otherwise allotted, and indeed contracted to her, from whom now there is no starting, she should have been my Bride, if all my love and fortune might have won her.  Fit. 
Had you spared this Protestation, Sir, you might have dissembled your love to me the better.  Luc. 
Dissemble?  Fit. 
'tis said sir.  Pa. 
By this hand my lady's jealous already.  Ho. 
Bless us! what looks are these!  Squ. 
Sir I must take my leave, this is no time to trouble you.  Luc. 
Nay good sir stay, and share in our ill Banquet. Hark, some friend I hope. Look sirrah.—  Cornets flourish. Ex. Pate. Fit. 
Some of your old companions have brought you a fit of Mirth. But if they enter to make a Tavern of my house, I'll add a voice to their consort shall drown all their fiddling. What are they?  Ent. Pate. Pa. 
Some that come in gentile fashion to present a Mask.  Fit. 
Lock up the doors, and keep them out.  Ex Howd. Luc. 
Break them open and let them in—  Ex. Pate. Fit. 
Shall I not be Master of my own house?  Luc. 
Am not I the Master of it and you—  Ex. Luc. Wid. 
Nay sister.  Fit. 
Passion of my heart.  Squ. 
Bu●●. madam, Madame.  Squ. 
you must allow of reasonable things.  Bull 
Be contented, sir Philip in a noble Gentleman, and a Courtier, and as I apprehend.  Wid. 
I dare warrant you sister these are of his friends, that come with their Loves to congratulate his fortune. Speak Master Nonsense. A speech of your would do't.  Non. 
Never credit me, but I for sooth am of that opinion, that it is as it were. I protest and vow— I should be as sorry as any Man.—  Wid. 
It this were to be put into latin now. Which were the principal Verb.  Fit. 
M. Nonsense, you have prevailed. You see I am content. But what I purpose, Fate shall not prevent.  Wid. 
Did I not tell you.  E●●. luckless. Luc. 
More lights, and let them enter. Gentlemen take your places. Sir Paul tonight forget your sorrow. So will I mine, though I renew ● tomorrow. Come sit sit. Mistress please you.  Fit. 
You wrong your honour sir, your most humble Handmaid.  Wid. 
Brother I told you always she had hasty humours, and as unreasonable as heart can wish: but soon over. Now she's as mild as any Dove again.  Luc. 
Then we are friends; and she's my Dove again.  music. The Masquers Enter. All in willow Garlands. four Men. four Women. The two first pairs are Tridewell and Constance. Anvile and Train well. Before the Dance, Constance sings this Song. 

Song.  
Nor Love, ●or Fate dare ● accuse,  
For that my Love did mere fuse;  
But oh mine own unworthiness,  
That durst presume so mickle bliss.  
It was too much for me to love  
A Man, so like the Gods above;  
An angel's shape, a Saintlike voice,  
Are too Divine for Humane choice.   

Oh had I wishly given my heart,  
For to have loved him but in part;  
Sought only to enjoy his face;  
Or any one peculiar Grace  
Of Foot, of Hand, of Lip, or ay,  
I might have lived where now I die.  
But I presuming all to choose  
Am now condemned all to lose.   At the end of the Dance, Tridewell and Constance Whisper with Anvil, each of them giving him a folded paper. Luc. 
'tis well performed. Now we would gladly know. To whom we owe our thanks.  An. 
That I'll deliver to you. meanwhile the rest desire they may withdraw a while.  Luc. 
Light and all fair respect be given unto them.—  Exeunt all the Masquers but Anvile. Squ. 
The Woman's voice had much in't like my Niece.  Wid. 
●our niece sir Paul, ods me I must go see her.  Luc. 
Nay brother give them all their free pleasures. By your leave you shall stay.  Wid. 
Stay shall? I will then.  An. 
Now to your 〈◊〉 I disclose myself.  Wid. 
Whoo● My Governor: Look you sister. Look you Sir Philip. Did nor I always tell you he was the rarest wit ●the world? This was his own invention ●e be hanged else. Sweet Governor the conceit of the Willow, and why thou wearest it?  An. 
myself, only to make the number in the Dance suitable. And so did all the rest to fulfil the fashion, only two excepted, that were the Leaders and subject of the Dance. The one, your x Tridewell, who holds himself a lost Lover, in that you madam to whom his affection is wholly devoted, have made yourself incapable of him, in being the lawful right of another. This paper shows him more at large.  Luc. 
Is't possible! Did he for that so earnestly dissuade me from her this Morning?  Fit. 
I never saw him before this day, nor he me. These are tricks and studied fooleries to abuse me—  tears the Paper. Luc. 
Who was the other.  An. 
she was your fair Niece sir Paul; the most disconsolate Beauty that ere I saw, giving herself for ever lost unto your love sir Philip, presuming you once promised her Marriage, of which she made a claim this Morning by her Nurse, whom you reviled by name of Bawd, calling fair Constance Whore; and to her more despite, hastened your Marriage sooner by ● day, than you before intended with this Lady.  Luc. 
Constance! May that name in all other women be accursed beyond themselves. Hell itself could not have vapoured such an error forth, as I am lost in. Constance! why was that name made here, that Saintlike Maids, when it brought to my mind a devil's, nay worse, a whore's? to whom before was given.  Bull. 
Sir Philip, and madam, you apprehend these things as things done, when they are not things indeed, but as it were show and device, as by the sequel you may at large apprehend.  Squ. 
I am of your mind Master Bulfinch. And trust me I am glad my Niece was drawn into the witty conceit. For which with a new Gown he thank her.  E●t. P●t●. Luc. 
Where is she? I will endure no longer till I see her.  Pa. 
The Masquers are all gone sir.  Luc. 
Gone Villain.  Pa. 
They took their Coaches instantly, and dispersed themselves by several ways, I had no Commission to stay them.  Fit. 
Are you so sensible of her loss?—  Ex Fit. With her Servants. Squ. 
My Niece might not withstanding her lost love have ta'en me home in her Coach.  Luc. 
You shall have mine sir Paul and my company so far to see her; and whether their presentation were jest or earnest, I will not rest till I be satisfied; My Coach. I'll make no stay Sweet-heart. she's gone.  Wid. 
Excellent! the Bride's stolen to bed.  Squ. 
It should be so. I like the custom well.  Bull. 
● or if you apprehend it rightly, it expresseth duty in the Woman to lie prepared for him; and love in the Man, not to be slack to embrace that duty.  Wid. 
A pretty Moral A Woman's duty to lie down, and a Man's love to get up. One may learn something of these old fellows every day.  Squ. 
Therefore no Coach, no Company noble Knight. Pursue your home occasions, and God gi'yee joy.  Luc. 
Nay sir Paul. I protest.  Squ. 
Not a word more of it directly.  Wid. 
Take me with you good sir Paul to see your Niece. I find Master Nonsense here very indifferent, And I know 'twill be the greater joy to her to match but into the family of sir Philip, of which I am a half Pillar now. Besides my sister made me half a promise of her in good faith, my governors my Witness, and I have loved her ever since.  Squ. 
But you never saw her face.  Wid. 
No, but I'll be hanged if I did not love her Visor the best ere while, though I could not tell whose 'twas, nor which was which.  Squ. 
Good Master Water widgeon, this is no time of night to dive into business of this depth. It is Nestling time I take it. How think you Master Bulfinch.  Bull. 
I apprehend it to be passed 12 o'clock very near.  Squ. 
Therefore what your sister hath promised you, let her perform if she can; mean time this Gentleman is my choice: come Master Nonsense, you have had a long time of silence. Master Bulfinch.  Bull. 
I apprehend you sir.  Luc. 
we'll, ●●e you to the Gate by your leave Ex Omnes.  
The End of the second Act.    


Act. III. Sce. I.  luckless. Luc. 
What has she written here? It is the same hand I read in the Morning.  
I am not your counterfeit, or unchaste Constance; But that only Constance, that truly love you, and that will, if you live not for me, die for you. Oh that I could at any price or penance now redeem one day! Never was hasty Match sooner repented.  Enter widgeon, Anvile. Wid. 
he's melancholy methinks. Slid my sister may lie long enough languishing for a Ladyship, if this fit hold him: for she has it not really till he go to bed and ●u● her.  An. 
Will you not go to bed sir? we wait for your points.  Luc. 
I will. But is it time? Brother, would you would do me the favour to inquire.  Wid. 
Yes, I'll go see for the Possets sake.—  Ex. Luc. 
Captain, deal fairly with me. By what means joined you with this society? or how grew so soon your trust or great acquaintance with them?  An. 
Without offence I'll tell you. You know this Morning at your Lodging, there past some words betwixt me, and your sullen Kinsman, Master— indeed la, Tridewell, and from him too much indeed for me, a professed Soldier to bear: But the place protected him. Till after upon mature consideration I made after him for satisfaction, thus armed as you see. Purposing with this Ropes end to right me; and to maintain that right with this sword, which I thank Mars never yet failed me; as it hath well been manifested by the effusion of much unworthy blood of my abusers, in France, Spain, Italy, Poland, Sweden, Hungary, all parts of Germany.  Luc. 
Good Captain travel not so far in your relation: but come home again to the business.  An. 
I have used it in some score or two of Sea fights too by the way.  Luc. 
But to the matter Captain; where met you my x?  An. 
The first sight I recovered of him, was as he was entering the house of the greasy Knight there, what call you him?  Luc. 
Sir Paul Squelch?  An. 
Squelch, I a pox squelch him. I waited a quarter of an hour at his door, for your Kinsman; and longer I would not, had he been Kinsman to the Emperor, and my Enemy. Therefore in I went, told Master Tridewell in his ear, my coming was to call him forth, to discharge the office of a Gentleman with his Sword, in answering those wrongs wherewith I held my reputation wounded. Was it not well, ha? Could a poor Gentleman say more? and that in civil fashion very privately in respect of the company, not showing any the least distemper, in look or gesture. But the Women read presently in his countenance the whole matter; and briefly by their pretty persuasion I took ordinary satisfaction of him.  Luc. 
What was that Captain?  An. 
Why he confessed he wronged me, was sorry for't, and so forth. What should we speak more on't. This you must not speak of neither. You must promise me that o' your honour, as you desire to hear what follows: I love no ripping up old sores.  Luc. 
Not a word I, Captain upon my word. What a Rascal's this! to the point good Captain.  As 
Then thus sir? I soon perceived, their drift to appease, & win me to their friendship was for my assistance, and indeed to bear the● out in this night's work, the Mask. The whole plot of all which was merely to so we dissension between you and your new married Lady, to work if they can a separation, before carnal copulation, in which if they can prevail, and that the dislike continue between you to that height, that a divorce be required equally by the consent of you both, your Marriage then is frustrated, and you stand in statu quo prim d'ee hear. So your x Tridewell may lawfully pursue his hopes in your Bride, whom he loves as eagerly as the melancholy virgin dotes on you.  Luc. 
But may this hold good in Law Captain?  An. 
There's a Ganon for it Sir. If both parties agree to a divorce after Marriage, so it be before Copulation.  Lu. 
Though the former part of his discourse, was a most egregious lie, yet the last hath some sound of pleasure in it: which I may make use of.  Enter Tridewell. Tri. 
Come gi'me the instrument. Shall I never find thee anywhere, but thou wilt by just desert exact a beating from me? Hast thou no conscience? wouldst thou have me lame myself, or melt my grease upon thee. Come Sir, I have overheard you all; give me the Instrument, the instrument I say. Indeed I'll have it. So. Now Sir—  Luc. 
Nay x, for the service he hath done you tonight, and love of me, pardon him this time. Besides, his charge is in the house, at whose charge he lives. You will both shame and undo him.  Tri. 
Well Sir, I shall for this time pardon you, and never beat you more, it before Sir Philip here you will subscribe to this. 'tis nothing but a faithful protestation to do reasonable things as I shall appoint, and not to reveal what I shall trust you withal.  An. 
If you will covenant on your part in defence of my reputation, to let me rail at you behind your back, I will subscribe▪  Tri. 
Take your pleasure. I am content. Write Sir.  
In what without a Knave we cannot end,  
A Knave employed does th' office of a friend.  An. 
Here Sir, I deliver it as my deed.  Tri. 
Here, and I deliver you this again to keep. Indeed you shall for performance of covenants.  Ent. widgeon. Wid. 
Oh Sir you are defeated. My sister hath fortified her lodging with locks, bolts, bars, and barricadoes.  Luc. 
To what end brother: for what cause?  An. 
I know not whither it be discontent or wilfulness, that possesses her: but you are to have no entrance there tonight. That she has sufficiently sworn.  Tri. 
Good.  Luc. 
How! am I denied? To my wish.  Tri 
Pray let me speak with you Sir.  Luc. 
At large you shall. For though it be my wedding night you shall be my Bedfellow. Lights there. Good night brother.  Tri. 
Good night Captain.  Wid. 
How now Governor? what has angered thee? something troubles thy countenance.  An. 
Your coming, and the privilege of this place hath once more preserved that unworthy Tridewell from the justice of my fury, which should have fallen on him, had he been twinned with me by this light.  Wid. 
By this light, Governor? would you have fought by Candle-light.  An. 
Sir I dare do't by day light, Moonlight, Starlight.  Wid. 
Ow'e-light.  An. 
Any light under the Sun. And that shall be tried well on Tridewell head, dec hear?  Wid. 
A good jest! Tried well upon Tridewell. He has wit in his anger. But Governor, laying your anger aside, let me be beholden to your wit in achieving this Northern Lass. Thy acquaintance with her must be the means. Prithee go lie with me, and help me to dream out some course. Nay look now thy fury blows so high thou dost not hear me.  An. 
Not heare? yet, were I in a Combat as great as ever I myself fought any, I could both hear, and give counsel. Therefore say unto yourself, by the help of your Governor she is your own.  Wid. 
O Man past example!  An. 
But d'ee hear?  Wid. 
Here, here. Thou shalt have anything—  gives him Money. Exeunt.  

Act. III. Sce. II.  Enter Squelch, Constance Nonsense, Trainewell. Squ. 
Come your way's housewife. No more of your whinings, and counterfet tricks. If this Gentleman be not worthy of your love, I am not worthy to be your Uncle, directly.  Tra. 
Alas, what mean you sir.  Squ. 
Accept of him, you accept of me. if you refuse him you deny me directly.  Tra. 
she understands you not a word sir.  Squ. 
If you will join hands and faith with him, Here's your portion, there's your jointure; if not, your way lies before you, pack directly.  Tra. 
Good sir, consider her disease. If her understanding were direct, you might speak directly to her. But if I have any discretion she is too full of melancholy to be purged this way.  Squ. 
What would you have me do? Or how in your discretion would you council me?  Tra. 
Not to be mad sir, because she is melancholy, not by taking a wrong course for her recovery to ruin her, and forfeit your judgement Do you think, that commands with chidings, threats, or stripes have power to work upon her, when she has neither will nor reason within herself to do, or not to do anything whatsoever.  Squ. 
Now the gigs up.  Tra. 
If her health in sense and understanding were perfect: yet as she is Woman, her will were first to be wrought upon by fair and gentle treaty. But as she is at this time so sick in mind, that knowledge of what she is, what she do●, especially of what she should do is dead in her, her Mind must be first recovered; and that by a due course, in soft and temperate proceedings; to which fit time as well as means must be allowed. Moreover—  Squ. 
Oh. No moreovers I beseech you, not more of her at this time. I understand your purpose already. I do directly. Therefore speedily take what course, and use what means shall in your discretion be thought fit. I will subscribe, I will directly subscribe to your discretion. My wife when she went out of the world left me as great a care behind her in the charge she gave me with this Woman, this quick sighted Guide of my house, a blind one were better.  Tra. 
You should first see, if it pleased you, how her affection may be wrought upon by the Gentleman's own fair entreaty. Pray sir speak to her like a Suter, look upon him Sweet heart: This Gentleman loves you. Pray speak sir. Do you not?  Non. 
never credit me pretty Gentlewoman—  Con. 
Nor will I, fear it not. Nor any man that says he loves me. For alas! I was too lately scorned.  Non. 
You are a Lass indeed. I protest and vow, and such ●●ne, as I would be very sorry to appear any way, or in the least decree, as it were please you to understand me: for I'll be sworn, ●he●e is not in the World.  Con. 
Truth in swearing, less in promising.  Non. 
If you will believe me Lady.  Con. 
Nor ne man for your sake.  Non. 
There is not in the world I say—  Con. 
I say so too sir. What was't I pray.  Non. 
There is not in the world any Gentlewoman—  Con. 
Tell that no further; for we are all too gentle lessen men were less cruel.  Tra. 
Hear him speak Constance.  Con. 
You shall hear me sing first by your leave.  Tra. 
Poor heart.  Squ. 
Here's wise work! direct lunacy and Idiotism. Bless my house from the Ward Masters Informers,  Con. 
Pray sir, are you sir Philip?  Tra. 
Say you are.  Non. 
Yes Lady, I am sir Philip.  Con. 
But you are none of my Sparrow. Your mouth's not wide enough for your words.  Tra. 
She has stopped his mouth there.  Con. 
His words would soften Adamantine ears. And looks would melt a Marble heart to tears. O Uvea is me!  Tra. 
Nay you must not weep Sweet-heart.  Con. 
What 〈◊〉 I do them? Shall I ever get him by singing trou ye? Introth I would never but sing, if I thought that were the gainest way.  Tra. 
I had rather hear you sing though, then see you weep.  Con. 
It must be of my Love than, my Sparrow as I told you. And thus it goes.  

Song.  
A bonny bonny Bird I had  
A bird that was my Marrow:  
A bird whose pastime made me glad,  
And Philip 'twas my Sparrow.  
A pretty playfere: Chirp it would,  
And hop, and fly to fist,  
Keepe cut, as ● were a Usurer's Gold,  
And bill me when I list.  
Philip, Philip, Philip it cries  
But he is fled and my loy dies.  
But were my Philip com'd a gain,  
I would not change my Love  
For juno's bird with gaudy train,  
Nor yet for Venus' Dove.  
Nay, would my Philip come again,  
I would not change my state,  
For his great Name sakes wealth of Spain,  
To be another's Mate.  
Philip Philip, &c.   
No no, you cannot be the Man. I know him right we'll by you sir, as wily as you be. Gin you had all his trim gear upon you, and all his sweets about you, yet I should not be so fond to mistake a jenny How let for a Tassel Gentle. Ah, ah, ha.  Tra. 
Why Lone, what fault do you find in this Gentleman?  Con. 
Faith, but e'en eane. That her is not Sir Philip. For thus would he do. Thus would he kiss his hand; and thus ta' me by mine. Thus would he look, and set his eye on mine: And give me leave to see myself in's eyes. 'twas the best Glass introth that ere I saw. I ne'er look we'll fine. Nor ere shall i'm sure, until I see me there again.  Sing. 
But he is geaue, alas he's geane, and all too late I sorrow.  
For I shall never be well again, till yesterday be to marrow.  
God you good Even sir.—  Ex. Tra. 
●ollow her sir.  Squ. 
And put her to't sir, and out of this humor. I'll add the other five hundred to her portion, and you bring her about handsomely. O when I was a Bachelor! I think I can do somewhat yet in my old days. But when I was a Bachelor, how I could have handled this gear.  Non. 
Never credit me sir, if you will believe me but—  Squ. 
I do believe you sir sufficiently good Master Nonsense. No more of your impertinent speeches. But follow her, and put her to't I say, to't directly. Take her into the Orchard 'twas there she fell in love they say It may be the place is O neno ●.  Ex. Non. Tra. 
Sir, there will be no way for her recovery, but to remove. her lodging, and have some good Physicians about her.  Squ. 
Where you please; and use whose help you please: she is your own; dispose of her freely, as I will of what is 〈…〉 course of life directly. Let me see. she is lost, past recovery. Say I should marry, I might yet have an 〈…〉 mine own.  Tra. 
Yes, but of whose getting sir?  Squ. 
There might rise a fearful question.  Tra. 
Think not of it sir. A man of your years, and gravity, with the respect the World gives you for your place and worship in the Common Wealth, together with the riches you have piled up in a Mountainous estate; to cast all down with yourself, and fortune at the foot of a stranger I Think what would be thought of you, if such a dotage should possess you  Squ. 
she's falling into a tedious Lecture.  Tra. 
Pray how was Master Spartledirt talked on other day for doing such a trick? yet he was held a wise Lawyer: You see a fair example in the late Marriage of sir Philip Luckless, and his Fitchow, a Match of your own making, and cause of your Nieces and your own Misfortune.  Squ. 
No more I beseech you.  Tra. 
There's tugging for a Mastery, and buffetting for the breeches. He barks at her, she snaps at him; she breaks his wine Glass, he her looking Glass; she puts away his Servants, he turns away hers; she locks her Chamber door, he bolts his, begetting nothing but a World of strife and disorder.  Squ. 
I pray shut up that point, I will not marry. No directly I will not, though the truth is my purpose: was to have cast myself and fortune wholly upon you, if it might have seemed well in your discretion, umh umh.  Tra. 
I pray stay a little sir, take me along with you.  Squ. 
Not a step further, this way by your leave. I think I have puzzled her discretion.  Tra. 
Understand me sir. As I would not have you fall rashly upon anything; no more would I have you fly suddenly from any purpose, without advise and sober deliberation. If you should marry one that would be a Comfortable Nurse unto you, as (though I say'●) you partly know—  Squ. 
Say you nothing, ●er I do know nothing, nor I will know nothing more of this matter directly: For if ever I marry, let me suffer all that the-Law provides for Perjury; let me be cropped and slit worse than a French Curtall, or a parliamental delinquent for blaspheming the blood royal. No, I will now bestow my wealth in Monumental good deeds, and charitable uses in my life time, to be talked well on when I am dead.  Tra. 
Yes, build Alms houses and Hospitals for beggars, and provide in Bridewell, and houses of Correction for your friends and kindred. Pray give enough to Bedlam, you may feel some part of that benefit yourself before you die, if these sits hold you.  Squ. 
she would have me do no good with that I have neither. Let me consider. The most I have to say directly hath not been very well gotten. Were it not a point of good conscience, to spend that prodigally, and save a 〈…〉 And that which I have got well and honestly, hath been with much care and travel; were it not then a point of equity to myself, to spend that with ease and pleasure? 'tis done directly, what I have is mine own; and I will be merry with it. Within there ho.  Tra. 
What's the toy now?  E●t. Clerk. Squ. 
Sirrah. Take there twenty pieces. B stow it all presently in choicest meats, and richest Wines for my Supper. This one nights Supper directly. What I have is mine own: and I will be merry with it.  Tra. 
Cl●. Bless us!  Squ. 
Six brace of Partridges, and six Pheasants in a Dish. godwits, Knots, Quails, and the rest of the meres answerable for half a score, or a dozen persons of the best quality: whom I will think of presently.  Clo 
Brain of a down right justice! What means my Master, to leap out of thirty shillings a Week house keeping into twenty pounds a Supper? I may sell my Clerks place: for sure he means to thrust himself out of the Commission. He can be no justice long if this humour hold. Who shall be the Guests tro●?  Squ. 
I have it directly. You shall go to the Ordinaries, and from thence invite such young Gallants as you find to be Gamesters. I mean of the highest cut.  Tra. 
Men that you do not know sir?  Squ. 
I directly. If they know me, or have heard of me 'tis sufficient: we shall be soon acquainted. Bring not a man with any paid for gold Lase or Scarlet about him, I charge you, nor without a Protection in his pocket.  Tra. 
You run a great hazard in this sir. You may perhaps be cheated of all you have, if I have any discreation.  Squ. 
And much good do't their good hearts. What I have is mine own, and I will be merry with it directly. You have put me by one or two courses: But not all your discretion shall beat me out of this. If you take some care in the business, and housewife the entertainment to make it brave for my credit, you may get a Gown or a jewel by it. If not—  Tra. 
Sir I'll obey you. If he be mad I will not be foolish, bat strike in for a ●●are. And for your Guests sir, let me alone. My man is best acquainted at the Ordinaries.  Squ. 
Why now you speak.  Tra. 
Within there. Beavis. But introth sir, I doubt whither any such Guests will come, you have always been so strict and terrible in your justiciary courses.  Ent. Bea●●. Squ. 
Let him say mine eyes are opened, and their virtue is revealed unto me. And if any of the youngsters have Mistresses, let 'em bring 'em. They shall have Mn●cke● what I have is mine own, and I will be merry with it. My flesh, though not in the way of marriage, requires some satisfaction too. Where might a man in all this plentiful Town, find a choice piece directly that he might make his own? only his own? A very hard question. And custom has made it almost an unreasonable, though it were in ones own Wife. In a citizen's or Tradesman's Wife; a Man must suffer the Rivalship of a slovenly husband: the stink of his horns ever under ones nose. A cast Lady, or Gentlewoman of courtly acquaintance, to maintain her, is to feed a Fountain, that wastes itself through many Spouts: What I supply her with, will be drawn out by twenty. All her friends must share of my prodigality. To train up an innocent country Girl, is like hatching a cuckoo; as soon as she is ripe, and sees the world afore her, she flies at her advantage, and leaves me dead i'the nest. How now.  Ent. Clerk. Cle. 
Sir, here's a Delinquent brought before your worship to be examined, a Gentlewoman sir.  Squ. 
Who brings her?  Cle. 
Vexhem the Constable sir.  Squ. 
Look on his feet. Sure 'tis the Devil in his likeness: That old Bawd knowing how it stood with me, has brought me one of his Succubae Art. Sure 'tis Vexhem?  Cle. 
Sure sir? The devil himself knows him not better than I know him from the Devil. I am sure, he has been in see with me these nine years: almost ever since he was Constable; and has brought more profit to my desk then all the honest Officers in the counties of your Commission sir. Oh he's a rare fellow, he'll tickle a Whore in Coany.  Squ. 
You know my mind. I will in and handle this gear in privity.  Ent. Nons. Const. Tra. 
Beavis, You understand me. Prithee go discreetly about it.  Bea. 
Pray let me see a little of this first.  Non. 
If I put her to't or ever offer to put any Woman to't again, never credit me: let me never be trusted, I protest and 〈◊〉 Gentlewoman she has used me—  Tra. 
Very ill favouredly methinks.  Bea. 
Ha' you put her to't sir.  Non. 
I cannot put her to't, nor she will not be put to't. Sing.  Con. 
I won't go to't, nor I man not go to't,  
For love, nor yet for see:  
For I am a Maid, and will be a Maid,  
And a good one till I die.  
Yet mine intent, I could repent, for ●ne mane company.  
But you are not he Sir. If you be, you are wondrously changed. I am sure his faults were not written on his forehead. God pardon him.  Non. 
If mine be, you can best read 'em, 'tis your own hand-writing.  Bea. 
She has done a cure on him. He spoke sense now. Alas Sir, that a fair hand should make such blots I what hand is it? Secretary, Roman, Court, or Text? I have not seen the like: 'tis all dominical letters, red Ink. His face is like an Almanac of all Holy days.  Tra. 
Sure 'tis Stenography, every Character a word: and here and there one for a whole sentence.  Bea. 
Here's one might serve for a whole History. The life and death o' 'Raw head, and Bloody bones.  Non. 
I see I am not such an Ass, I would I might never stir but I am— Where's Sir Paul If I do not tell him—  Tra. 
What did you to provoke her thus?  Non. 
Nothing but what I can answer in a sort d'ee see me as well as— never gi'me credit I had warrant under his hand  Bea. 
How Sir?  Now 
By word of mouth sir.  Bea. 
That's about hand by your leave.  Tra. 
Is it so? Good Sir, his meaning was, you should put her fairly on like a Lover, with sweet speeches, and gentle behaviour.  Non. 
she understands nothing that I can speak.  Bea. 
Nor anybody else I think.  Tra. 
And therefore you fell to express yourself in rude action. She has scorned you but well: you are a fine butter to't indeed.  Sing. Con. 
Mum toot Mun toot, Muntara rara Muntara ra ra rarie, And ever I sigh and cry alack for Phillip's love I die.  
just so did our Dairy Maid at home serve my Lady Fiddledee's Batler. And there I learned it. But when she had so done what did she then do? Bestowed a pennyworth of unguentum Album, and it made him whole presently. Good Mrs. Trainwell send to your Pothecary for some: 'twill make him we ● enough now.  Tra 
I sweetheart: but first you shall go in the Coach with●● to the Doctors.  Con 
I know I am not we'll too. But I'll ha' no Doctor but Sir Philip.  Tra. 
It shall be Sir Philip, (poor soul,) all must be Sir Philip. You shall lie at his house.  Con. 
But not with him by my faith, and your leave, in't we be married. Prithee Beavis gar him wash his face he'll scare somebody's Barns else.—  Ex. with Tra. Bea. 
I'll throw him into the Dock rather than he shall succeed jack O'Dandy. Come sir, all shall be well again. Fear not.  Non. 
I thank you sir.   

Act. III. Sce. III.  Enter luckless and Tridewell. Luc. 
x, I understand you at full. And am glad that occasion hath pointed out a probability to lead me out of this labyrinth; and you to your desired end.  Tri. 
Follow but the way you are in Sir, and you shall arrive at your own wishes.  Luc. 
She has put me into't herself too.  Tri. 
By sequestering herself from you the first night.  Luc. 
For which x, if I take not occasion to keep myself from her, all nights, days, and times hereafter, may the act of our bodies beget prodigious monsters and nothing else.  Tri. 
A fearful vow! look to't. And I warrant she sues for the Divorce first.  Luc. 
May we prove but as certain as you are confident in out other project, for recalling Constance to herself, and me then to her, these fetters being shaken off, may they prove golden ones to you, I shall not envy you.  Tri. 
For her take no thought sir. The interest I have in her tutoress, with the work I have fashioned upon my Anvil, shall bring all to your wish. I expect to hear from him instantly.  Luc. 
I'll freely resign your wish to you, and add half I have to augment her estate to you. Oh I tremble to think on her: her presence shakes the house like an earthquake: the outrage of Prentices is not so terrible to a Bawd or a Cutpurse, as her voice is to me. Yet to you she may be calm as the breath of friendship, and mild as the midnight whispers of chaste love.  Tri. 
Sir, I profess my affection flies eagerly at her. she takes me deeply, however you have mistaken one another. Oh here comes my Anvil! methinks his very countenance invites me to strike him▪ though I know he does me good service now.  Enter Anvile. An. 
'tis done sir. I warrant she's placed, successfully, d'ee hear?  Tri. 
How prithee?  An. 
I have sent her before his Worship by a Constable.  Luc. 
Who has he sent? before whose Worship?  Tri. 
You shall know all. He has sent your cast whore before sir Paul.  Luc. 
The Mystery, Gentlemen?  Tri. 
The success shall unfold it in good time to your and my benefit? doubt not, if she but follow her instructions.  Luc. 
Nay, if she be not Mistress of her Art, there is no deceit among Trade's men, no bribery among Officers, no bankrupt out of Ludgate, nor Whore out of Bridewell.  An. 
And if I ha' not fitted her with a Second, my friend vex him, the Constable, then say there is no wit among Knaves, no want among Scholars, no rest in the grave, nor unquietness in Marriage, d'ee hear?  Luc. 
Of which here comes the truest testimony.  Enter Fitchow, Pate, widgeon, Howdee. Fit. 
Out of my doors thou Miscreant.  Wid. 
Nay sister. O governor, art here.  Fit. 
Avoid my house, and that presently, I'll claw your skin off after your Livery else, and make you so much nakeder than time makes all other serving Creatures.  Luc. 
Do you talk of turning away my Man? You shall give me leave to turn away your Howdee first, and then put off my, God a mercy how dost thou.  Fit. 
Am I jeered? flouted to my face? Is this fit usage for a Wife?  Luc. 
A Wife? a Witch.  Fit. 
A Husband? a Hangman.  Lux 
Out puss.  Trid. 
Nay sir, indeed the fault is yours most extremely now. Pray sir forbear to strain beyond a Woman's patience.  Fit. 
Am I scorned and reviled?  Luc. 
Ah, ha ha.  Fit. 
Made a property for laughter?  Luc. 
A ha, ha.  Fit. 
Have I no friend, no Servant to command?  Luc. 
Ah ha, ha,  Fit. 
Has my Ladyship made me so lamentable a thing, that I have lost the power of a Mistress? You sir, run and call some friends to succour me, or I'll throttle you.  Luc. 
Stir but a foot sirrah, or utter but a syllable, and I'll cut your throttle pipe.  How. 
I shall be carved out betwixt them.  Fit. 
What will become of me? you, Woodcock, nynnyhammer.  Wid. 
Have you forgot my name sister? would not Widgine become your mouth, as well? forget your natural brother's name?  Fit. 
Can you call me sister, and see me abused thus?  Wid. 
Foutre for sisters; I am not to meddle with another man's Wife. I am about one for myself. You mentioned her first to me. But I must be be holden to others' wits and means to compass her: or else—  Luc. 
Do as I bid you, or—  How. 
O sir she'll rend me in pieces, tear me like a Lark.  Luc. 
Dost thou fear her or me. Do't or I—  How. 
Sir, there's Master Walter can sing it rarely.  Luc. 
So he shall sir, and so will all; but you must put us in. Begin.  How. 
hay down down, &c.  sing. Wid. 
Sister, Wife, and all, is a present nothing to this. Come round Gentlemen▪ Keep her but off, and let me alone.  
They all take hands, and dance round. widgeon in the midst sings this Song. They all bear the burden, while she scolds and strives to be amongst'em. Tridewell holds her off.  Wid▪ 

Song.  
He that marries a Scold, a Scold,  
He has most cause to be merry:  
For when she's in her fits, he may cherish his wits  
By singing hay down derry.   A●l. 
— hay down down derry down down down, &c.  Ent. Bulsinch. Bull. 
I cry you mercy Gallants. I apprehend you would be private.  Luc. 
O no Master Bulfinch, you shall make one of our Council.  Bull. 
I apprehend Gentlemen you are merrily disposed; in good sadness.  Wid. 
Apprehend a fool's head. Come into play.  All. 
ay, 〈◊〉 with him, and about again.  They pull him into the Round. Wid. 
He that marries a merry Lass,  
He has most cause to be ●ad;  
For let her go free in her merry tricks, she  
Will work his Patience mad.  
But he that marries a Scold a Scold, &c.  
He that weds with a Roaring Girl,  
that will both scratch and bite▪  
Though he study all day to make her away,  
will be glad to please her at night.  
And he that copes with a sullen Wench,  
That scarce will speak at all,  
Her doggedness more than a Scold or a Whore,  
Will perpetrate his Gall.  All. 
hay down down, &c.  
He that's matched with a Turtle Dove,  
That has no spleen about her,  
Shall waste so much life in the love of his wife,  
He were better be without her.  
But he that marries a Scold, a Scold, &c.  Fit. 
O scorn upon scorn, torment upon torment. Let me rather be buried alive then bear this. 〈◊〉 She gets loose. Slaves, Rascals, get ye all out of my doors. By virtue of my nails, I charge ye. ●e not leave an Eye or a Nose amongst ye  Flies upon all. How. Wid. Bull. Anv. 
O Lord, O Lord.  Luc. 
Come bouncing after my boys.  Ex. singing. Fir. 
Oh how am I wronged.  Ex. Omnes preter Fit. Tri. Bull. Bull. 
Sure I did apprehend this mirth as ●ight as could be possible the wrong way.  Trid. 
madam, I see too much of your vexation; and indeed I suffer too much with you. As I am a Gentleman I will give you right friendly Council, if you will hear me.  Fit. 
Sir I have perceived humanity in you and do love it in you. But I know not what to do, nor whom to hear. I am fallen into the pit of bondage, and will take any course for my Redemption. Oh Master Bulfinch.  Tri. 
This will make to my purpose.  Fir. 
Sir I am wronged beyond expression. This Gentleman is an eye witness of my sufferings. Pray come in Sir. I will hear your counsel together with this Gentleman's advice.  Bull. 
Madame, your case is in my apprehension, most desperate, yet 〈…〉 comfort in regard you seek advice and counsel. Mine is ever ready, and more fortunate oftentimes the Judicious. For I do nothing but upon good reason and deliberation.  
The end of the third Act.    


Act. IV. Sce. I.  Enter Squelch. Holdup. Vexhem. Vex. 
Sir I beseech your worship, deal not so severely with me.  Squ. 
Sirrah I will teach you how to deal with Dealers, and not with virtuous Gentlewomen; bring Innocency before justice; and be able to lay nothing to her charge.  Vex. 
Indeed sir, the Captain informed me of her; and said he would be here ready to accuse her. Good sir.  Squ. 
Most officious Sir. What warrant had you? None. What is the captain's name? you know not. Where's his lodging? you are ignorant. But here was your cunning; it appears most plainly, that you thinking her to be one of the trade, thought to make a Prey of her purse: which since your affrightment, could not make her open unto you, you thought to make her Innocency smart for't. I will make your Knavery smart for't directly. Come is the Mittimus ready? gi' me't—  writes and seals it. Ent. Cleark. Vex. 
Good your worship, hold your hand. For my poor family's sake.  Squ. 
Here take him forth, and let the next Constable convey him to Newgate.  Vex. 
Sir 'tis the first time that ever I offended in this kind. I pray your worship be of a better mind towards me.  Squ. 
Away I say directly. As I am in my right Mind and Midlesex. I will show my justice on thee.  Vex. 
Ah, ha, ha.  Squ. 
does the Knave laugh? Bring him back. May a man ask the cause of your Mirth? Vex. Sir I have laughed at the vexation of a thousand in my days. I hope I may have leave once in my life to laugh at mine own.  Squ. 
Oh is it so? Pray hold you merry sir.  Vex. 
Ah, ha, ha, ha—  Ex. Squ. 
Now Lady, whereas you were brought before me as a Delinquent, I retain you as my Mistress. I like her beyond measure. A pretty young thing: new brought to a pace! Ah, h●! She has committed a little Country folly, as she privately confesses. What's that ● It may stand in rank with that they call virtue here; and than she is content to live as privately as I please. She shall up, I will winter and summer her before she shall see a high way of this Town. she's for my turn directly. Mistress Holdup, is your name say you?  Hold. 
Camitha Holdup sir. A poor Gentlewoman. My father bore the office of a Commissioner for the peace in the West country, till Misfortune wrought his estate out of his hands.  Squ. 
Holdup! I have heard of him, and know what 'twas that sunk him. He lived by the Sea side; 'twas trading with the Pirates. Buying their goods, and selling them victuals;  Hold. 
'tis too true sir. He paid so dearly for't at last, that I have no more, but my bare breeding, and what I bear about me to live upon.  Squ. 
Which is enough ● enough directly; if you can bear yourself discreetly, and contain yourself within those bounds of Fortune, in which I'll plant you. Alas good soul, weep not; let Money and Authority be thy comfort. By which thou shalt feel no want, nor fear no danger. But to our business. I have already acquainted you with my Niece constances' disease, and that she is removed out of my house for her health. I will lodge you at a trusty tenant's house where she is unknown. You shall take her name upon you.  Hold. 
Which is mine own already.  Seu 
And if you can but a little counterfeit her Melancholy, you may freely pass for her; and my accesses to thee, my sweet Girl, shall crown us with fullness of delight and pleasure.  Hold. 
Sir, you have most worthily made me your own; and all my study shall be to obey you.  Squ. 
Now had I but ● fit attendant for the person of my love▪  Hold. 
Some simple honest body sir.  Squ. 
Then we were fitted. How now.  Ent. Clerk. Clea. 
My Lady Luckless man desire to speak with you.  Squ. 
Stand you by unseen a while. Send him in. I do expect some Message now, in the behalf of her unlucky Ladyships wise brother, Master Widgine, touching my Niece. Now stend how does my good Lady?  Ent. Howd. How. 
I left her very ill sir; for she has beaten me, and thrust me out of doors with her own hands, without penny in my purse, or other Cloak o'my back, than the bare Livery, that a cast serving man can not shake off, of Knave and Beggar.  Squ. 
Thou leftest her very ill indeed. But well, thou wouldst have me be a means to reestablish thee in thy Lady.  How. 
In her service sir.  Squ. 
I speak by a figure Humphrey: for to be inward with, or indeed within a Mistress, is to be a service in the most Courtly phrase.  How. 
ay sir. Those are convenient Servants sir. we are covenant servants. They are respected above husbands: we abased beneath slaves. They purchase place, honours, and offices oftentimes with their Ladies 〈…〉, when we find not our wages without hard words, and are in fear, (poor snakes) to have our sloughs pulled over our ears before the year go about. we drudge for our Ladies, they play with their Ladies: But the best is, we labour and sweat it out for our Ladies, when they are fain to talk Physic, and lie in for their Ladies.  Squ. 
Most intelligent Humphrey. Let us retire to the purpose. Put case I have a Mistress in store for you; to whom I may commend you upon my own credit, and undertake for your entertainment and means by my own purse. What would you say? what would you do?  How. 
Sir, I will say over the Gent. usher's Grammar to you, and do her service by the rules.  Squ. 
Well said directly. Incipe Humfride. Say your part.  How. 
In a Gentleman Usher there be eight parts. Boldness, Neatness, Flattery and Secrecy, rewarded. Diligence, Obedience Truth and Honesty, unrewarded.  Squ. 
What is his Boldness.  How. 
His Boldness is the use of his Manhood in right of his Lady's honour, degree, place or privilege, at home, abroad, in private or public meeting, for the hand, for the w●ll, for the what she will, for the what she calls.  Squ. 
How is it rewarded?  How. 
By obtaining of Suits made out of cast Gowns or Petticoats. Which if he be a tailor, as most of our middle sort of Professors are, he is thereby made a Man in spite of the proverb, and thrust into the high way of advancement.  Squ. 
Perge Humphrey His neatness now?  How. 
His neatness consists most diversly▪ sir. Not only in the decent wearing of those clothes and clean linen, pruning his hair, rustling his Boots, or ordering his shoes ties; these are poor expressions, a journey man Barbar will do't. But to do his office neatly, his garb, his pace, his postures, his co●es on and his comes off, complements, his visits 〈◊〉▪  Squ. 
His Howdees.  How. 
In which a profound judgement could be puzzled.  Squ. 
I believe thee.  How. 
And the most absolute or artificial memory set o'the rack. To be able to relate how this lady's tooth does; and other lady's toe. How this lady's Milk does: and how tother's Doctor liked her last water: how this lady's husband; and how other Ladies dog slept last night: how this child, that Monkey, this Nurse, that parrot, and a thousand such. Then his neatness in Chamber-work, or about the person of his Lady, in case her Maid or her Woman be otherwise occupied, to convey a pin into her ruff neatly, or add a help to her head dressing, as well as john among the Maids, Lastly, his dexterity in Carving, and his discretion in Marshalling of meats; to give every mess the due service, and every dish his lawful pre-eminence.  Squ. 
And how is this neatness rewarded Humphrey?  Hum. 
Doubly sir: at board and at bed▪ by good bits, and the love of the Chambermaid.  Squ. 
Well Humphrey, because we will not make this scene too long, we will omit the rest: only why are your last four parts, Diligence, Obedience, Truth and Honesty unrewarded?  How. 
Sir. They are parts that spring out of virtue, and are therefore borne with their reward in their mouths, and aught to expect no further from any service in these times.  Squ. 
Most edifying Humphrey. I have a Mistress in store for thee.  How. 
I long to see her sir.  Squ. 
Didst thou never see my Niece Constance?  How. 
No sir. But I have heard she is diseased with Melancholy; and if she should prove mad too, like my old Lady, I were then as far to seek as ere I was.  Squ. 
Fear it not Humfrey. My 〈◊〉 ease thy care. Niece come forth. [Enter Holdup. ]I shall fit you with a servant. Fall to your Postures Humphrey. Your Garb. [He does his postures ]So. Your Pace. So. Your congee. So. Hand your Lady. Good. Arm your Lady. Good still. Side your Lady. Very good. Draw out your Lady. Excellent. Present your Lady. Singular well, good Humphrey.  How. 
Sir, I can Shoulder my Lady too: but that is when she takes Coach; and Foot my Lady, when she alights.  Squ. 
Precious Humphrey, I admire thy Art.  How. 
I learned all of a good old lady's man in the Strand sir, that must be nameless.  Squ. 
Now Humphrey, Walk your Lady to the Burse.  How. 
O most ostlerly spoken! Under correction sir, Wait your Lady I pray sir.  Squ. 
Well said Humphrey. Here's something for my instruction. Now wait your Lady to the Burse. She has some trifles to buy there. I will find you there presently, and conduct you to your lodging.  Gives her money. Hold. 
What shall I do with all this sir? I would indeed but buy an ounce or two of thread; some Netting pins and Needles, and a Frame to flourish my work on. Hereafter I will work in gold and silver, if you please, for your own wearing.  Squ. 
As I would wish! her simplicity takes me above her beauty. Go I say. I'll follow. methinks I e'en feel myself, thank myself for being in this good humour. What I have is mine own, and I will be merry with it directly.—  Ex.  

Act. IV. Sce. II.  Enter Fitchow, Tridewell, Bullfinch, widgeon, Anvile. Fitc. 
Gentlemen, you now know the calamity I suffer under. And you have showed me the best way to comfort: for which I thank you. I have given you my resolution for a Divorce, upon condition. Before which, I must promise you nothing sir. But I assure you in the mean time, you stand prime in my affection: for I have in all found you a right worthy Gentleman.  Tri. 
madam, I have not utterance to declare my acceptance of your love. It must therefore be locked up in my breast, the treasure of my heart. Now for the condition upon which your Divorce depends, we must see that performed, and then—  Fitc. 
Sir, I will make good more than I now may promise.  Tri. 
You speak nobly.  Fit. 
It relishes a little ● do much of womanly willfulness I confess. But all my wilfulness (that I'll promise you sir) shall die in the end of this business.  Tri. 
Well then, before your discreet neighbour M. Bulfinch here. If you have not your will in this, I will disclaim in your favour hereafter. Sir, the condition is (as you may remember—  Bul. 
I apprehend it Sir. That sir Paul Squelch his Niece be first married or contracted, and then she consents to a divorce: And that you be assistant to her brother here to obtain her for him.  Tri. 
To which I promise my ready help, only I must not appear in the business.  Bul. 
I will only appear in it, for I will not be seen in the matter.  Tri. 
As how sir?  Bul. 
As thus sir. I will keep your counsel: not only in holding my peace to all the world, but in saying nothing to sir Paul himself. D'ee apprehend me sir?  Tri. 
And thank you sir. Now every man to his part M. widgeon, You have both your sisters and my best directions already, which I doubt not but with the help of your Governor you will make good use of. madam will you in, and but wish well to our proceedings, and trouble your thoughts no further.  Ex. severally. An. 
Sir, what help he has of me, is for the Ladies and his own sake, not yours d'ee hear.  Wid. 
No blustering now good Governor: Prithee restrain thy fury. Thou canst never hear nor speak to that Gent. with any patience; and yet he is on our side now. Prithee let's lose no time. I never longed more for my mother's coming from a Christening, than to be at this Northern Lass.—  Exe.  

Act. IV. Sce. III.  Enter Tridewell, Trainewell, Holdup. Tri. 
Wanton, you have begun propitiously: Proceed but confidently, and I'll warrant thee a wealthy husband by it, or a composition that may prove the better purchase.  Hol. 
Sir, be you and this Lady but as confident of my fidelity, and trust me in this action, and if I break not the toils your Kinsman is in, and make you Mistress of my Interest in sir Paul, let all the good you intended me, be a lockram Coif, a blue Gown, a Wheel and a clean Whip. You are sure the Lady will yield to Divorce, if Constance whom I now personate be first married or contracted.  Tri. 
Right. she does but hold off till then, and that wilfully; because she fears it is for constances' love only, that her Husband desires the Divorce.  Hel. 
And you are sure that Constance is safe from her discovery.  Try 
I upon the hazard of my discretion.  Hol. 
To any then that knows her not very well, If I appear not the same Constance— you have given me her Character right?  Tra. 
The best that we can possibly.  Hol. 
Nay, I have a further help then, you both imagine yet.  Tri. Tra. 
May we know it.  Hol. 
It shall be no secret. My Servant Howdee, whom you and sir Paul, suppose his Lady turned away, was by her Ladyship taught only to feign it; and cunningly instructed to work himself into the service of Constance, to further her brother's proceedings. And since fortune has put him upon me, whom he takes to be the same Mistress, if I make not apt use of it—  Tri. 
'tis most fairly ominous. Come Lady. He cannot. but be at hand; and our stay may do hurt, (You remember the doctor's lodging I told you of, and sir Phillip's appointment to meet you there an hour hence?  Tra. 
All sir. I would use no other. She is there already. Ex.  Tri. 
No more then; away. Fare you well sweet Creature.  Ex. Hol. 
If my deceit now, should be discovered, before my work be ended, my Brain tricks might perhaps, in stead of all these fair hopes, Purchase me the Lash. fore Venus. my flesh e'en trembles to think on't. It brings likewise into my consideration, the baseness of my condition; how much unpitied the punishment of a Whore is, and how suddenly it overtakes her? My joint Conspirators are in no danger. I only run the hazard, though they are as deep in fact as myself. Well. If I scape this pull, and draw any fortune by't, I'll change my function sure. A common Whore? I'll be a Nun rather. They come most fitly, and I must into my fit— Withdraws behind the hanging.   

Act. IV. Sce. IIII.  Enter widgeon, Anvile, Howdee. How. 
Indeed sir, it was my Lady's plot, but you must take no notice of it.  Wid. 
I'll thank her with all my heart, and she shall never know on't.  How. 
But if sir Paul, my now Master should discover my deceit, how shall I scape his vengeance.  An. 
What dost thou think of me, weak fellow? Am not I a Commander, ha?  How. 
ay, in the war Captain: but he is a justice of Peace, and a Commander of Captains in Midlesex, sends two or three drunken Ones to Newgate at a clap sometimes.  Wid. 
Fear no discovery Humphrey. Let me but see her, and I'll warrant thee.  How. 
she'll see none but sir Philip, you must be nobody else. Remember that: you must know no other name you have. Now if you can sir Philip it handsomely there's it.  Wid. 
I warrant thee, and my Governor shall sir Philip me at every word; and if I do not sir Philip her, better than ever she was Phillips in her life, then say I am no Legitimate widgeon.  Hol. 
●is pa●● your strength or reach either by forty I believe. I doubt your middle finger is too short Master Widgine.  How. 
Well, I must venture it. Here she comes. Has a Baby.  Wid. 
What's she doing. Ods me ● making a Baby I think Are you good at that i'faith? I'll be at that sport with you, it shall cost me a fall else.  How. 
Oh she has a hundred such ● pish toys. E●ne now she was great with Child forsooth as she could go. And was persuaded she had a Child as big as I in her belly. I wondered at it, and she told me she had had a hundred there as big in her days.  Wid. 
What, what?  How. 
ay but she knew not what she said. By and by, I must be a Man-Midwife forsooth and deliver her: for 'twas past all Woman's skill? Now she thinks she is brought a-bed, and nurses the Child herself.  Wid. 
And who's the father?  How. 
O none but sir Philip.  Wid. 
I'll father it as well as he. is't a Boy or a Girl trow▪ Would she would make a Christning Banquet while we are here. Hark she sings.  

Song.  
Peace wayward barn; O cease thy mo●e:  
Thy far more wayward Daddy's gone:  
And never will recalled be  
By cries of either thee, or me:  
For should we cry,  
until we die,  
we could not scent his cruelty.  
Ballow, Ballow, &c.  
Hee needs might in himself foresee,  
What thou successively might'st be;  
And could he then, (though me forego)  
His Infant leave, ere he did know,  
How like the Dad  
would be the Lad,  
In time, to make fond maiden's glad  
Ballow, ballew, &c.   Wid. 
How is this pretty Mrs. Constance, that you complain of your Love before he be lost?  Hol. 
Who be you I pray?  Wid. 
Pray thee tell her Governor. I ha' not the heart to lie now.  Anv. 
It is sir Philip Lady, come to do you right. De● hear?  Hol. 
Yes sir, I hear you vary we'll; and could eene wish i' my heart I could believe you.  Anv. 
Speak yourself sir.  Wid. 
You may Mistress Constance; for as I am an honest man, I never meant to wrong you.  Hol. 
I do believe you sir. But pray protest no more by that name till you make yourself such by marrying me. You have gotten a barn by me, I is sure of'at.  Wid. 
I come for the same purpose Sweetheart. I'll both father and keep thy Child, and make thee an honest Woman. Give me your hand before this Gentleman, and your Servant here; and say but the word; I'll get a Licence presently, fetch you away, and dispatch you tonight.  Sing. Hol. 
Marry me, marry me, quoth the bonny Lass: and when will you begin.  Wid. 
As for thy wedding Lass we'll do well enough, in spite ● 'the best o' thy Kin.  Hol. 
I can but thank you, obey you, and pray for you sir.  Wid. 
Governor; wilt thou believe me? It e'en pities my heart, to wrong so sweet a piece of simplicity. But Fortune has dressed her for me to seed on; and I'll fall to.  Anv. 
Or the Devil to choke you. Well boisterous Master Tridewell, your Ropes end hath driven me into a business, here, deserves a whole Rope. But I hope that Destiny attends not me, though this Marriage be his: And since it is his Fate, fair befall it him, I am discharged  Wid. 
Come Governor, we are agreed let's go that we may hie us again, and dispatch.  Hol. 
Nay sir. You shall not say, you married me for nought: you shall hear me sing before you go.  Anv. 
What an ouzel 'tis ● she means he shall marry her for a Song. by’r lady a competent Modern portion.  Hol. 

Song.  
As I was gathering april's flowers,  
He● straight let fall one of his showers;  
Which drove me to an arbour.  
'twere better I my Lap had filled.  
Although the wet my clothes had spilled,  
Then to ha' found that harbour  
For there a subtle Serpent was,  
Close lying, lurking in the Grass.  
And there while harmless thinking I,  
Still watching when the shower would die,  
Lay listening to a Bird,  
That singing sat upon the Bower,  
Her notes unto the falling shower,  
the Snake beneath me stirred;  
And with his sting gave me a clap,  
that swelled my belly not my lap.   Wid. 
By my troth 'tis pretty.  Hol. 
And by my conscience 'tis true, 'twere made i' Durham, on a Lass of my bigness.  Anv. 
And in thy clothes I believe.  Hol. 
But will you be 'gan now, than all my joy leaves me.  Wid. 
Sweet soul, thou shalt have thy joy again. I will joy thee, enjoy thee, and over joy thee. Governor let us fly about this business. I will not sleep, before I have got a Licence, stolen her away, wedded her, bedded her, and put her in her wits again.  Anv. 
Are you able to do that think you?  Wid. 
I'll warrant thee: for all Maids are mad till they be married.  Anv. 
What say you to that Lady. Pox on you, I runs sweet hazard to advance your fortune, do I not?  Hol. 
Remember your Covenant with Master Tridewell Captain. And when the work is done, here's my hand, you shall partake of what I get by't. And hark you.  Wid. 
She may perhaps, when she comes to herself, and finds me to be no sir Philip, be a little startled. But I mean the first night to put so much of my own love into her, as shall work out his I doubt not, or any his that came there before me.  Ent. Howdee. How. 
O Gentlemen! my Masters coming, all's spoilt if he take you. Part quickly.  Hol. 
Is mine Uncle com'd? and must we part then?  An. 
Kiss, and part; kiss and part.  Wid 
Sweet heart, not a word of me till I come to fetch you off with honour.  Hol. 
All benisons be with you. Indeed you be the goodliest man, that ere made Maiden fain.  Wid 
Poor heart she dotes. I do not know how much I am in debt to my conscience, till I have made her amends.—  Ext. Hol. 
This may breed good blood. If I come but as well off o' my old Uncle, as am like to come on with my young cousin, here will be a match unlooked for; a match without treaty; a match untalked or unheard of. He is coming before I have shifted my face. methinks I hear the rusting of his bristles hither. Yet my lips must stand the assault; pray love the Porcupine, leave none of his quills in 'em.   

Act. IV. Sce. V.  Enter Squelch to Holdup. Squ. 
Where's my Girl? My honey sweet Girl? Kiss me; Kiss I say directly: I'll secure thee. As I am a Man of Authority, and that of Midlesex, I'll secure thee. Ha my Lass, these lips have the true Elixir in 'em indeed, to restore youth and strength; past all Medea's charms, or what the Poets would have feigned. How now 〈…〉 Love? I hope my Niece's habit has not wrought her disease into thee.  Hol. 
No: now I see you sir, I am well: perfectly well: yet pardon me sir. Your absence cannot but breed me fear, when I have leisure to think on my unworthy condition, and the danger I undergo in't.  Squ. 
'Twas a thousand pities that this Wench was seduced. she might have made a Wife for a good Esquire. she would serve a Tradesman yet, most unblemishably. And when I have done with her, doing that for her, as I mean to do. She may perhaps match with a younger brother, purchase him a place, advance his fortune, to be able in the end to repay her with a Ladyship. 'Tis not without a precedent; and I will help her to follow the example directly. For what I have is mine own, and I will be merry with it. Ha my bird, my chick ● Kiss me. Kiss me up. So. Kiss me up I say. So again. Thou hast done't directly. Maintain it now, with a cordial kiss. So, so, so▪ Good. Very good; and while it is so, a word with you in private. Come my bird, mh mh mh.  Enter Howdee. How. 
Sit, there's a woman below.—  Squ. 
Sir, what have I to do with any woman below: Do you with your woman below, I am very well here.  How. 
Is the old man mad trow. Sir, she will have to do with you above, if you speak not with her below. I had much ado to keep her down stairs, her case is so lamentable she says. I never saw a woman so importunate in my life sir. You must down sir.  Squ. 
I am down already. All's nought. What limb of the devil is 't? Dost thou know her?  How. 
she says she is wife to a Constable sir, that you lately committed; and if your Wor. does not release him presently, that he's undone, and she's undone, all their children are undone, that unborn in her belly is undone, and I know not how many more are undone for ever.  Squ. 
Hell take her. How could she know that I was here?  How. 
she spied you in the Street sir, and followed you, and follow you she would, had you gone into the Privy Chamber she swears; her cause enforces her she says. And she is so great with child too, that no man dares give her a thrust to keep her back. I hear her blow up stairs.  Son 
Keep her down, I'll follow thee—  Ex. How. Hol. 
Good sir be pitiful for the woman's sake, and release him. Perhaps her reckoning is out, and she has nobody to call the Midwife.  Squ. 
I must home to my Clerk then: for I cannot write here; nor do any good besides I am so vexed. But I will return to thee in the evening, Duck: And since I am so apt to be spied, ● will come disguised.  Hol. 
Indeed I'll put out the Candle when you are here then, for I shall never endure to see other shape of Man. O these trunk ho●● are a comely wearing.  Squ. 
I will be disguised directly. I will run through all the shapes of Jupiter, before I will again be prevented. Farewell. O my sweet! At seven in the evening expect me.—  Exit. Hol. 
Sweet sayst thou? Thou art not I'll swear. I am glad he was prevented. I should never held out a course with him, that cannot endure a breathing: a Cheese-shop on fire cannot outstink him.  Enter Ho●d●●. How. 
Your uncle's gone Mistress, and says he will be here at seven o'clock again. But shall I tell you a five thing Mistress?  Hol. 
Yea marry Humphrey, what may that be and 'tis not of Sir Philip  How. 
But it is of him Mistress. He says he will bring a Coach for your at six o'clock to fetch you away: will you go with him?  Hol. 
By my soul that will I an't be all the world over.  How. 
How shall you Uncle find you at 7 then?  Hol. 
we'll leave him at six and sevens. I mean betwixt both. 'Twill be trim trust me. And hear'st thou me Humphrey. Thou must bid Mistress Trainwell son to me a little before six ● for a very good reason.  How. 
Hmh—  Hol. 
Nay, it shall hinder nothing. we'll away the faster.  How. 
I think she be in her wits already. If not, I must humour her, though I be put to the trouble to shift her away again. She shall mar no sport that's certain.  Hol. 
Come with me Humphrey, thou shalt go e'en now, and tell her; and I'll be packing up the while.—  Ex. How. 
This Clinches. I shall win my Lady's heart for ever. To manage two such businesses more, were enough to raise me Agent for a State.  Ext. 
The end of the fourth Act.    


Act. V. Scene I.  Pate in a doctor's habit. Traynwell, Constance. Pate. 
To discourse a tedious Lecture unto you, Lady, in speaking philosophically of the disease of Melancholy, were to show more learning than discretion. There are large volumes of it in Print, to very slender purpose.  Tra. 
Sir, I desire rather your discretion, than the gloss of Learning. I am rather governed by the wholesome effects of the one, than the smooth directions of the other.  Pa. 
To the point then Lady. I see no reason why I should vex and torment this delicate and tender body, with Physic. Her disease is Melancholy; The cause of this disease I have found apparently in the two hours' probation since you left her with me, to be Love, which she hath so greedily taken in, that it hath overwhelmed her spirits, and turned the faculties of all her senses into a rude confusion, sending forth the use of them extravagantly.  Tra. 
Sir, I must not only approve, but applaud your skill. 'tis love indeed, And ● am right glad that your opinion jumps with my own knowledge: for now I doubt not of your speedy address to the cure.  Pa. 
'Tis done in three words. The Party that she loves, must be the Doctor, the Medicine, and the Cure.  Tra. 
Sir, the Gentleman is below, he came with me, only I would not bring him to her fight without your approbation, scaring it might do hurt.  Pa. 
Pray call him up, on peril of my judgement. Ex. Tray .Give me your hand Mrs. Constance. I have good news for you.  Con. 
'tis a long while ●ine I hear● any.  Pa. 
The Gentleman, whom you love best, shall be your bedfellow.  Con. 
He is wed already Sir. Another wife would gar him be put down at gallows: an ● I would not be shee for all the worldly good that ere I saw with 〈…〉. And o' my conscience I'll be none of his 〈…〉  Pa. 
She prattles very prettily methinks. Married already? Sure Cupid shot you with a forked arrow out of his Crossbow. But what will you say Lady, if by my Ar● I render this Gentleman unmarried again, and a Suitor unto you presently?  Con. 
Marry▪ shall I tell you what I'll say sir? That deserves hangging worse than other matter, you would poison his wife by your Art, would ye? and make your gown there the hangman's ●ee the second time? It looks as it had been once his already; and you like such a Doctor I must tell ye, by your leave. God bless me fro thee. Mrs. Trainwell where are you?  Pate. 
Out of her wits say they? I fear she is wiser than all of us, that have to do with her. she knows my gown better than I do: for I have had but two hours' acquaintance with it. 'Tis no longer since I hired it of the hangman's Merchant a Broker. It might ha' been Lopus' gown for aught I know.   

Act. V. Scene. II.  Enter Traynwell and luckless to them. Tray. 
They are fall'n out I think.  Con. 
O Mrs. Trainwell, for dear charity's sake ha' me soon fro' this Man: for I'll ne'er take any thing at him. He talks of poisoning.  Pa. 
By my faith you wrong me: Nor of any poisoning purpose. I was but putting a case of—  Con. 
Pray put up your Pipes sir. I like not your Music: troth nor his countenance nather. Sweet Mrs. Trainwell gar me be shut on him. Now all the joys of Immortality light o' ye sir.  To luckless. Pa. 
Is that the Gent?  Tra. 
Yes sir. Pray observe. But how fell you out sir?  Pa. 
I must first salute him by your favour. Sir, all the accumulations of honour shower down upon you.  Luc 
Sir. May you reap the whole harvest of your fruitful wishes.  Con. 
Dear sir, keepe further fro' him.  Pate. 
But one word sweet Lady; and you shall have the whole benefit of his presence to yourself.  Tra. 
Be not afraid sweetheart, he dares not hurt sir Philip.  Con. 
In troth he breathes to near him.  Tra 
I'll warrant you. What has he done to move her thus? I know not what this obscure Doctor is. But M. Tridewell put me upon him; and his approved honesty has and must kill all m●s trust in me.  Pate. 
Your Coach is ready at door you say.  Luc. 
Ye● my most delicate Doctor.  Pate. 
As you find her then after a few words away with her. I have performed my part sir. I'll hold the discreet governess in talk in the next room.  Con 
But one word call ye this?  Pate. 
I ha' done sweet soul. Lady I have instructed the gent. shall we leave them?  Try 
One word, by your leave first M. Doctor, and I'll attend you. Sir not alone my Discretion, but my Reputation lies at stake: and I make no doubt of your nobleness upon your Kinsman's word, my Complotter in this business. Therefore while I hold argument with the Doctor (who shall by no means perceive our deceit) slip you away with her in your Coach, where M. Tridewell▪ hath appointed, till the Evening; and let me alone to scuffle with the old man the while▪ And than I doubt not all our troublesome labours shall have a peaceable end. I'll send old Madcap to your Lady in a Thunderclap. But noble sir, your reputation—  Luc. 
My life and honour be her Guard, and your security.  Tra. 
No more sir. I'll lay no conjurations upon so noble a spirit. Come Master Doctor—  Soft Music. Ex. Tra. Pate. Luc. 
But do you love me Constance?  Con. 
O right we'll sir.  Luc. 
And will you be my Woman?  Con. 
I is sure, I'll never be mine own else.  Luc. 
But you will not go away with me now, if I request you?  Con. 
Any whither but to bed before we be married.  Luc. 
What from your Governess, your Uncle, and all the World?  Con. 
And thank you too sir. And ta' me but fro' this ill looking Doctor; for I shall be we'll with you sir.  Luc. 
Come, since you trust me so well, we two will not part till we are lawfully made one.  Con. 
Heaven bliss the hour you speak in, and all Saints be witnesses.  Ex.  

Act. V. Sce. III.  Enter Squelch, meeting Trainewell, and Pate. Music continues. Squ 
Where's this Doctor? where's this melancholy Gentlewoman?  Tra. 
O me is he come?  Pa. 
Is this her Uncle?  Tra. 
Even he sir. Where's my charge; Mistress Constance?  Pa. 
save ye sir I'll go find her—  Ex. Squ. 
Where's my charge? I'll go find her! What's the meaning?  Tra. 
she was here but now sir, while the Music played. And we withdrew our sclues, thinking she might sleep sir.  Squ. 
There went a Coach away as I came in. Whose was it?  Tra. 
A Coach sir? Alas I am afraid; my flesh trembles.  Squ. 
At what in your great Master the devil's name? Where's my Niece?  Tra. 
Sir here came in one Master widgeon, the Lady Luckless' brother—  Squ. 
Well.  Tra. 
As acquainted with the Doctor sir—  Squ. 
Well, well.  Tra. 
And he saw her sir. But seemed to depart, when we withdrew ourselves to talk about the cure.  Squ. 
Very very well. While you were wisely talking about the cure, a widgeon flies away with the Patient. Where's this Doctor? Doctor I say. Doctor! he's run away too, my life on't. A mere plot, a Conspiracy; 'tis so directly, below there. I can not see how it can be otherwise. Ent. clerk .Saw you the Doctor? Yes sir, he went now forth at the water-Gate, and took boat in haste.  Squ. 
Exceeding well▪ How came your Discretion acquainted with this Doctor?  Tra. 
Sir he was reported to me by very good judgements, to be a rare Practitioner.  Squ. 
A most rare fellow, and does admirable tricks, by slight of heels. But I may perhaps outrun 'em—  Ex. Tra. 
My purge works as I wished. I am amused though at the flight of the Doctor. But I have too many businesses to entertain new thoughts.  Ex.  

Act. V. Sce. V.  Enter Tride well, Fitchow. Fit. 
May I believe it, Good sir? may I be so happy, that my brother has her?  Tri. 
As I have truth in me, I am most credibly told so. marry the worst is, her Uncle is so mad at their escape, that he will never give consent to the match, whereby her portion will be less.  Fit. 
Hang him Clod. My will shall be a portion sufficient to my brother, I care not, though he give her not a penny, so Wat has the Wench.  Tri. 
Make you no more doubt of that, than I do madam, who have upon the report of it already, prepared the Learned of the Civil Law, those that you nominated of your good acquaintance, and are forward to do you the best office, who have appointed to meet before the judge of the Archdeacon's Court presently, whither I have promised to bring, and will attend you.  Fit. 
But the other side must be summoned by process.  Tri. 
Sir Philip hath warning already Madame; and without needless process will be there before you, and wait your comming. So that myself and his servant, who have never been both absent from one of your companies, since your Marriage, justly deposing you never did the realest Rite of Marriage, the bed office, Madame; you both consenting, and desiring a Divorce, It is instantly granted, without any proceedings in Law. So that all will be ended in three whispers. Ods pity, look who here is.   

Act. V. Sce. V.  Enter Squelch to Fitchow. Squ. 
O are you here my Lady Luckless?  Fit. 
'twas time you found me sir; you might ha' mistaken my name else. For within this heure, I might have returned the ancient title of your friend, and Audrey Fitchow.  Squ. 
Slow wov, where is my Niece?  Fit. 
Where are your wits sir? you come upon me indeed ● What Niece? What's the matter?  Squ. 
My Niece Constance, that your brother Widgin stole from the Doctor, and is stowne away withal. But he must not think to scape so? I may take him, and his Duck too, in my Decoy, before they be coupled, as sure as your Ladyship or your Fitchow ship, and they think yourselves.  Fit. 
Sure the old Gentleman is fallen mad. What hath happened?  Squ. 
The plot smells of your ladyship's policy; your Ladyships Lily white fist is foul in the business. But I will have a about at fisticuffs in Law with your Ladyship: your great acquaintance, and alliance in the Whatshical. Court No●●b●● 〈◊〉 your power there must not carry it, my great Lady. Directly it must not.  Fit. 
Your ●re an uncivil greasy Companion, to upbraid and revile me thus in my own house.  Tri. 
O good Madame, hurt not yourself with anger better laugh it out.  Fit. 
He makes me forget myself by his example. Sir you are a Commissioner for the Peace I take it. does it become a Man of your place and gravity, to fly out in these extremes? You spend too much breath in these loud notes, very hurtful to the Lungs, If you will fall into a lower Key, and speak peaceably, I will answer you.  Squ. 
I pray you, Forsooth, or sweet madam, or what you please; Where is my Niece?  Fit. 
Will you believe me sir? you may: For 'tis Truth, as I have any; And before this worthy Gentleman; I never saw your Niece in my life; only I have heard she is a pretty Gentlewoman: likely to make a good Match, for which I told my brother of her, and would have treated with you for her, could I have spoken with you as I wished by two or three Messages. But whither my brother has got her, or where he, or she is of my own knowledge, I cannot say directly.  Squ. 
she mocks me to my face all this while. Well goodwife, Mistress, madam—  Fit. 
Well my Lord Innkeepers second Son: does your Provender prick you?  Squ. 
Prick madam: I tell thee thou Thing, made up of Chippings, broken Bear, Candle-ends, and sisting of Sea coal.  Fit. 
out you Currycomb.  Tri. 
Forbear sweet Lady, let him be mad by himself.  Squ. 
I will be so revenged—  Fit. 
How pray?  Squ. 
He had been better to have killed a Man, ravished ● Virgin; nay, done the most dangerous contempt that law could devise to punish, than if I take him to suffer under my revenge.  Fit. 
Ha, ha, ha.  Squ. 
I'll muster up my Constables, and send out a privy search immediately.—  Ex. Tri. 
What think you of your Brother's success, now madam?  Fit. 
Much the better, that it vexes him so: Scurvy foul unouthed fellow.  Tri. 
Look you now madam. See who here comes.   

Act. V. Sce. VII.  Enter widgeon, Holdup, Howdee. Wid. 
Sister fall down, and adore me for my great achievement. Humphrey kneel down to her that she may dub thee for thy service. Never did the best nosed Dogs, that ever were coached for their goodness, hunt more truly, take more bravely, and carry away more cleanly, than we have done this dainty piece of flesh here. Sister kiss her, and be better acquainted: she is mine own flesh, I'll uphold it.  Tri. 
she is a Holdup herself, if I mistake not her name.  Fit. 
Being your flesh brother, her nearest affinity of blood runs in my veins. Therefore with a sister's love I embrace you, and bid you welcome.  Hold. 
Mine Uncle will by right wood I fear me. But I'll ne'er greet for that sir, while I have your love.  Fit. 
I know it is she by her tongue, though I never heard her before. Nor ever fear sweet sister, we shall be all friends shortly.  Hold. 
I would be glad and 'twere so.  Wid. 
Sister come hither. Now hear and admire my wit; as well as my Fortune. Humphrey come and take thy share of my sister's wonder.  How. 
I hope I performed my duty.  Wid. 
Which we must not see unrewarded sister.  Fit. 
No: I mean to give him my Maid, and a hundred Marks with her, besides all she has about her.  How. 
I am made for ever. I thank your languishing Ladyship.  Fit. 
Well said Howdee: for my Ladyship is e'en at the last gasp. I am to be Divorced within this half hour. But your proceedings brother? How did she receive you at first?  Wid. 
O at first, she was the prettiliest mad that ere you saw. You yourself can not devise to be so mad, as she was.  Fit. 
I thank you sir.  Wid. 
And all for sir Philip, she would love none but sir Philip, speak to none but sir Philip. I told her I was sir Philip, (ah God a mercy Humphrey: that was thy invention.) Then the little Viper hang upon me, not to be shaked off, till I promised her Marriage, and to father a Child, which, in her distraction, she conceited she had by me. I promised her any thing; so took her into an inner too me, to make all sure, as well within as without; and I so filliped her—  Fit. 
Enough brother, no more. I understand you.  Wid. 
But I must have more, and shall never have enough on't. It passeth your understanding and mine too, the delight of it. [Sing ]Oh what a delight she gave me. And how light I am after 〈◊〉 Heigh. My pretty sweet Rascal.  Fit. 
Enough I say.  Wid. 
You do not love to hear on't, because you lack it. But you shall hear the Miracle it wrought sister. The loss of her Maiden head recovered her wits. I made her right and straight in an instant. And now she loves me in my own person; knows me for a widgeon, and will not give her What for the best sir Philip of them all. And longs for nothing but the Priest and Bed time. Ha my sweeter and sweeter I My governor's gone for a Licence.  Fit. 
So, ha' you done now?  Wid. 
I'll undertake—  Fit. 
Yet again.  Wid. 
That Humphrey, and I with the tricks and trinkets, we have about us will cure all the mad Maids of her standing in the Town. And do not think, but much may be gotten to profess it.  Tri. 
You have made a large relation Master widgeon, and a pleasant, I doubt not.  Wid. 
Oh I could live and die in this discourse sir.  Tri. 
Lady do you think of the time?  Fit. 
I will instantly along with you. Hewdee come you with me. Brother, the search hath passed this house already. You any go in with your Sweetheart, and stay here safely. Go in, and keep close, till I send to meet me at Supper.  Wid. 
In and in sister, and be close enough, fear not—  Ex. Fit. 
Now sir when you please.  Tri. 
I am your servant Lady—  Ex.  

Act. V. Sce. VIII.  Enter Traynwell and Vexhem. Vex. 
Mistress, I will go no further in this business, than you have limited me in your directions: 'twill be revenge enough for my disgrace to make him see his error.  Tra. 
Therefore be discreet and secret. The disguise he is in I have told you. The place is this. At the door you shall leave me. The hour 7 o'clock.  Vex. 
Mistress, I will not watch more truly at Midnight, than I will pray for you for this Discovery. I will instantly call my privy-search, guard, and catch a bird, of justice in the lime-twigs of his own Warrant.—  Exeunt.  

Act. V. Scene IX.  Enter Nonsense and Beanis. Nons. 
I tit not speak with Sir Paul then, it seems, to know the reason why I am subdoodled thus, In I protest and vow a kind of fool's Paradise.  Bea. 
Good sir bear your injury with a Man's patience. Sir Paul will not be long absent. And till he comes, my Mistress entreats you (for your own good) to take his part upon you, in giving entertainment to divers of his friends, who are invited hither to a Feast tonight.  Non. 
H● you any Whitpots?  Bea. 
Much better meat sir. But here's the strangeness of it; and the only occasion that requires you aid in the entertainment. This great Supper or feast (as I may properly call it) was appointed by Sir Poule himself, the money to buy the Provisioned delivered by his own hand, to his own Servant; the Guests of his own election; vet he, out of the multiplicity of cross affairs, that have happened this day, hath quite forgot that there was any such preparation, or any such meeting intended, as appears evidently by his absence. But my Mistress has got all the meat privately made ready at the next house, on purpose that he should should see nothing—  Non. 
To try is he would forget it or no?  Bea. 
Right sir. I have bidden all the Guests: and expect them immediately.  Non. 
But what must I say to 'em?  Bea. 
Only salute 'em, bid 'em welcome; Tell 'em Sir Paul was hastily called forth on his Majesty's affairs; Entreat their patience till his return, which you know will be every sudden although you know not where he is; and so forth, as occasion serves.  Ent. Bulfinch and clerk. Bul. 
Your Master abroad and not within say you?  Clea. 
Yes. But good sir stay his coming, I pray you, for his good.  Bul. 
I partly apprehend you at full. Mistress Trainwell appointed me to come too with all possible speed. M. Nonsense you are well apprehended.  Non. 
Only salute 'em, bid 'em welcome. Tell 'em Sir Paul was hastily called forth on his Majesty's affairs. Entreat their patience till his return, which you know will be very sudden, although you know not where he is. And so forth as occasion serves.  Bul. 
Love has made you a Courtier. M Nonsense  Non. 
No I protest and vow. I do but speak as they say.—  Bea. 
What have you said Sir?  Non. 
What you said I have an ill verbatim else.  Bea. 
I said but the meaning of what you should say, and put it in your own words.  Non. 
No sir. I will take your own words for this matter.  Bea. 
I am beholden to you.  Clea. 
I am glad Fortune has sent one man of Civil government before the Roarers come. Here comes some of 'em already. I'll down and look to the rest of the house.  Enter luckless, Constance, disguised and masked. Luc. 
Save you sir. Are you the Worshipful of the house?  Bul. 
I apprehend you sir.—  Luc. 
How sir?—  Draw. Bul. 
Mistake me not I beseech you, I apprehend you to be some great stranger here: because you know the place better than the Master of it.  Luc. 
You do not mock me sir?  Bea. 
Sir, This is one of the Guests?  Non. 
Only salute 'em. Bid 'em welcome—  Luc. 
What's this?  Non. 
Tell 'em Sir Paul was hastily called forth on his Majesty's affairs—  Luc. 
Is this a parrot or a Popingay?  Non. 
Entreat their patience till his return, which you know.  Luc. 
Do you know what you say sir?  Non. 
Will be very sudden, although you know not where he is—  Luc. 
If I did I would not seek him here sir.  Non. 
And so forth as occasion serves.  Luc. 
This is some enchanted Place, and the people are charmed. I have mistaken the house sure.  Enter Tridewell and Fitchow disguised and masked. Tri. 
Where's this hospitable Knight that invites Strangers. I mean mere Strangers, that he knows not. Show me the Lad of bounty. I hunger not for his supper as I do to salute him.  Luc. 
He will prove the greatest stranger here himself I think, for he is not at home sir. I am a Guest as you are, and would be as glad to see him.  Tri. 
He does not mean to jeer us does he?  Bea. 
I beseech you mistake not so his purpose sir: which is fair welcome, and good cheer to you all. Therefore Gentlemen and ladies, will it please you to entertain one another a while. [Enter clerk with Sack and Tobacco. ]Look ye. Here's good Sack, and good Tobacco. And before the rest of the Guests become, Sir Paul will be here himself.  Luc. 
This fellow speaks.  Enter Anv. widg. Holdup. and Howdoe disguised. Bul. 
As I am a justice of Peace I cannot apprehended, and yet methinks I do. What sort of people these Gentlemen may be. See: more I Is sir Paul turned swaggerer? Or is his house abused by servants? I will not leave it, until they go out before me like a jail delivery. They look like men betwixt a Reprieve and Pardon. Friend: Are these sir Paul's elected friends?  Bea. 
His protected friends sir.  Bul. 
Protected?  Bea. 
ay sir. There is a fraternity of them. The brothers of the Protect. There's not a man of 'em, but has all Mayors, Sheriffs, Bailiffs, Sergeants at Mace, Marshals men, Constables, and other his Majesty's Officers, in a Comb-case in his pocket. They are a Generation that never eat but in Parliament time, and now every table is full of them.  Bul. 
I should wonder what they did here else. See. A roaring Doctor too, broke out o' the king's Bench.  Enter Pate like a Doctor. Pa. 
By your leave Gallants. I perceive your Company is not yet full.  Tri. 
Are you of the invited sir?  Pat. 
It is not to be doubted sir. Yet a Voluntary. But there are some without that are more than invited, yet come against their wills.  Luc. 
How mean you M. Doctor?  Pa 
Brought sir by a Constable and Officers, to be examined. Where's the jolly justice?  Tri. 
What are they can ye tell sir?  Pa. 
A Gentlewoman, and a Spaniard.  An. 
A Spaniard, Ha!  Pa. 
ay, a Spaniard, Ha: if you will have it so:  Luc. 
If we had but a justice among us to Examine 'em, it might pass the time well till sir Paul came.  Bea. 
Sir, here is a justice, and for the same purpose too for aught we know, that shall not refuse to do it, and in sir Paul's Gown and Cap too.  Luc. 
This is a witty fellow.  Bea. 
Sir, you cannot do a more acceptable office for your friend, than to execute his place in his absence. Your authority makes you capable of it; and I do the rather persuade it, because the Gentlemen whom you wisely suspect for loose persons, may see some example of justice; which may prevent some present evil in their stay here.  Bul. 
I apprehend you friend. Give me the Gown and Chair, and let the Delinquents approach. umh, umh.  Luc. 
'tis a Spaniard indeed.  Enter Vexhem, Squelch, like a Spaniard, Train. clerk. Vex. 
An English Spaniard sir, And therefore the verier knave: as will be proved I doubt not, to his shame, and my renown in the Common wealth. By your worship's leave.  Bul. 
What news bring you M. Constable?  Vex. 
Spanish news sir. willt please your Worship to examine the virtue of my Warrant, and then these Persons accordingly?  Squ. 
Very good! I am brought before myself to be examined, and before a fine rabble too! how the devil broke this unknown Nation into my house, or do not I mistake it? My foolery has led me into a fine predicament. I will not yet disclose myself: but look a little further towards the event.  Bul. 
Are you a Spaniard sir?  Squ. 
Such a one as you see Signior.  Bul. 
See Signior. He speaks nothing but Spanish. The question will be how we shall understand this Examinant.  Squ. 
hay day!  Bul. 
I do see Signior I thank the light, that you are a goodly man of outward parts, and except it were the black Knight himself, or him with the Fistula, the properest man I have seen of your Nation. They are a People of very spare diet, I have heard, and therefore seldom fat. Sure you you have had most of your breeding in this Country, the diet whereof you like better than your own, which makes you linger here, after all you Country men, upon some uncouth plot. And I shall wonder therefore how you can speak no English. Can you speak no English at all sir? Answer me I pray.  Squ. 
Not an English word not I s●●. Alas I have not been five ●ayes in the Kingdom.  Luc. 
This is excellent!  Tri. 
ay, You'll mar all if you laugh.  Bul. 
Alas, what shall we do then? Gentlemen, have any of you any Spanish, to help me to understand this strange Stranger?  Thi 
Not a rial sir not I.  Luc. 
Nor a rial's worth amongst us of any language but sheer English.  Bul. 
What Shire of our Nation is next to Spain? Perhaps he may understand that Shire, English.  Tri. 
Devonshire or Cornwall sir.  Non 
Never credit me, but I will spout some Cornish at him. Peden bras vidne whee his cregas.  Squ. 
Am I transformed utterly? Is my Language altered with my apparel, or are you all mad? what unspeakable misery is this.  Bull. 
I see we shall never understand, nor do good on him, till he be instructed in the English tongue.  Vex. 
And please your worship, the best University for this purpose will be Bridewell. I am acquainted with the best Tutors there, Master Cleanewhip, Master Dri-lash, and diverse others.  Squ. 
You officious Rascal, are you mad?  Vex. 
No such matter sir. But in my right mind, and Midlesex fear it not.  Bull. 
It must be so. His instruction will cost little there, if he be not too old to learn. Therefore set him by, and let me fall upon the Gentlewoman.  Vex. 
Oh, he's rarely vexed.  Bull. 
Now Gentlewoman, will it please you to be unmasked.  Tra. 
Yes sir look you, I dare show my face.  Bull. 
Mistress Trainwell, as I apprehend.  Omnes. 
Mistress Trainwell.  Squ. 
Trainwell!  Tra. 
even she Gentlemen, as I will more circumstantially reveal unto you presently, after a word or two with my fellow prisoner, for which I crave your favour.  Bull. 
With all my heart, so you can speak Spanish and make him understand you.  Tra. 
You see I am not the Woman you took me for: but one ordained for your greater good. If you will give me my present demand. I will turn all your disgrace into laughter; make you of worthier esteem now at the instant, then ever you were, by the general approbation of these, and all that know you beside. Your Niece to shall be restored to your own liking, and all shall be as well as you can wish. Otherwise, if you have a mind to be everlastingly shamed, by being perpetually laughed at, take your own course, I'll take mine.  Squ. 
I am astonished. What is your Demand?  Tra. 
Whereas your purpose was to make a Whore. Make me your honest Wife; no more. be sudden in your resolve, all will be nought else.  Squ. 
I am in a mischievous straight then. Redime to captum. Thy wit deserves my love. I'll do't; here's my hand and faith, I'll do't. Thou art mine, and I am thine directly.  Tra. 
Then hark you sir.  Tri 
Sir what will you say, if this Gentlewoman convert the Spaniard, turn him true English subject, and present him to you with the oaths of Allegiance, & Supremacy in his mouth presently?  Bull 
I will say, she deserves for ever hereafter to hold her peace.  Tra. 
Now bear up sir. Look confidently, and say, you put on your Disguise purposely to entertain disguised Guests. Come avaunt with your Picca de goat, and begin with the justice here.  Squ. 
Thou hast made me a Man for ever, and I will make thee a Woman directly. Gallants save you. See here the Metamorphosis, that means to metamorphose you all. Alas I know you for all your Disguises, and thought to entertain you in your kind.  Omnes. 
Sir Paul Squelch!  Squ. 
First out of you, my Usurper, and most upstartical justice, whose office is your trade, and Clerk your Prentice, I will draw a man of little, or no Moment: yet my friend, and Master Bulfinch, out of the Chair of justice. this my prognosticate the putting of myself, or many others out of Commission within these few years; though I am no Prophet. Do I speak English now? Do I know you now, or you me?  Bull. 
Question 〈◊〉, we should know one another sir Paul: or else one of us two were both very ignorant.  Squ. 
To proceed in my Metamorphosis. I will change you most confused Roarer, into an accomplished Knight. And bid you welcome, noble sir Philip Luckless.  Luc. 
I like the change well, and thank you sir.  Squ. 
Next sir of you Roarer, or Iieter, or whatsoever you are, I will make a complete Gentleman, most answerable to you name Master Tridewell.  Tri. 
Very well sir.  Squ. 
But out of you Master Doctor, I will pick a certain knave. Where is my Niece sirrah?  Pa. 
Which of your Nieces sir?  Squ. 
Have I so many sir? I mean my only one Constance, find her me, ●r I will translate you out of an Aesculapian Cock into a Newgate Bird immediately.  Wid. 
Sir if you will Metamorphose me out of a Bachelor, into a Bridegroom, I'll show you your Niece.  Squ. 
This my Niece?  Vex. 
O have I found you Mistress? Sir this is the Gentlewoman I brought before your worship today.  Squ. 
Hold they peace; art in thy right mind?  Vex. 
As I am in my right mind and Midlesex, it is she sir. I had not matter enough then to lay to her charge; for which I thank your worship I kissed Newgate. But now I have sir; she has left a Child upon our Parish, I am sure got by an unknown father; and has been a loose Liver, both at Duke Humfrey's, and most of thee winked it houses about the Town these four years: which I can sufficiently prove.  Squ. 
Hold thy peace Knave. I'll put these plums i' thy mouth else  Gold Hold. 
Sir, my Child shall trouble your Parish no longer, here is a Father, my troth plight Husband, sufficient to keep it and me, wilt thou not Duck?  Wid. 
Duck? my name is Widgine, you mistake the man sure.  Hold. 
Sure I do not. This Gentleman, and this Gentlewoman, and this trusty Servant of ours are my witnesses, I am your Wife sir.  Wid. 
O I am undone, quite cast away. Sister help me now with your Law wit, or I perish for ever.  Fit. 
This is not to be endured: cheating, and vile abuse, This contract can not be lawful. One person mistaken for another a lawful impediment to be divorced for, though they were married.  Tri. 
It might do well if (as he confesses himself) he had not made all too sure, as well within as without.  Squ. 
Sir Philip, while they wrangle out their cause, let us agree: Find you but the means to make her lawfully your Wife, and here take her with my faithful promise, of the equal half of any estate presently.  Luc. 
Sir Paul I thank you.  Fit. 
I say this is no lawful contract: And though we are legally divorced, yet neither he nor I may lawfully marry, while we both live, having been lawfully married. And till you can disprove that, sir I'll forbid your Banes good sir Philip, and lay your hopes a cooling, friendly Master Tridewell, for your love in managing this business.  Tri. 
Lady give me leave, if I have strained a point of friendship, it was your love gave the strength to my wit. Fit. My love?  Tri. 
Your love indeed Lady. Which (and which Cupid pardon me for) now, that I see I may enjoy, I am not so eagerly taken with, yet if you will—  Fit. 
Sir you cannot enjoy me, not he her, less you can disprove the lawfulness of our former Marriage.  Tri 
To clear that point, do you know the Minister?  Fit. 
'tis not so long since, but I can remember his face.  Tri. 
Then to continue sir Paul's Metamorphosis? I'll draw him out of this Doctor. Is not this he?  Discovers Pate like a Parson. Fit 
It is. But is not he a lawful Minister; I would know that.  Pate. 
To clear that doubt there lies my Order of Priesthood.  Omnes. 
Who, Oliver!—  Throws off his Disguise. Pate. 
even he, the Parson Nochurch, and this my Patron, whom I must beseech together with the whole company, to preserve me out of the high Commission: for look you, here is again your Licence.  Fit. 
Would you do this Master Tridewell?  Tri. 
Faith I foresaw an unto wardness in the Match: which if you repent the breach of, there's your Licence; and the way to Church lies before you.  Fit. 
No sir. First get my brother free of his contract, and then a Licence with your own name, and I'll wait on you to Church, as soon as you will.  Tri. 
O that's done already. What are you agreed?  Wid. 
Most happily sir, sister all's well again. I have given her a hundred pound to relinquish her right in me. Which afore all these witnesses you do; do you not?  Hol. 
Yes most freely.  Wid. 
Well then, I will not forswear to marry, But if ever I steal a Wife again, let her be a witch, and may I burn with her for company. Governor, thou art out of countenance, and thou too honest Humphrey, methinks. Come bear up. I forgive. 'twas your errors, not malice.  How 
Sir for my part, I'll take my corporal oath—  Wid. 
It shall not need good Humphrey.  An. 
And for me sir— wid. Nay, I dare not but believe thee before thou speakest Governor: therefore prithee let's not talk on't ourselves, but quietly, and presently begin our travels, that we may hear nobody else talk on't.  Squ. 
Gentlemen and Ladies, I see you all at peace so well, that I wish no further content to any, except Master Nonsense here.  Nons. 
Never credit me but I have had sport enough o' conscience, and if I do not make a Stage phyen't, when I come into Cornwall: I protest and vow then say there was Nonsense in this.  Squ. 
I am glad you conclude so friendly with the rest. All the unquietness will be in the Kitchen presently If your meat stay for you. Gallants. Knock Within I was time to speak. They knock at Dresser already. Will ye in?  
You are all Welcome: And I wish every Guest  
as merry, as our Northern Lasses Feast.  
FINIS▪