The Book of BULLS, Baited with two Centuries of bold Jests, and nimble-Lies.  
OR, A Combat between Sense and Nonsense, being at strife who shall infuse most Mirth into the gentle-Reader.  
A Treatise in variety of pleasure second to none ever yet printed in the English-Tongue; wherein is contained nothing already published.  
Collected by A. S. Gent.  
Imprinted at London for Daniel Frere, and are to be sold at the Bull in Little-Brittaine. 1636.   

To the Blind Reader.  
TO you the dull brood of Midas, who are internally blind, I could find in my heart to tell you as much as you already know, which is just nothing; because you can discern no farther than you can see. Philosophers have been of opinion that humane Souls, in descending, receive illumination in the Sphere of Saturn, which Orb certainly your Souls baulked, since reason and you are as contrary as fire and flame. Yet though posterity hath long since registered you fools, and antiquity hereafter shall confirm you such, I will in silence say something to you. If these Bulls please you as much as they are like you, when they calve you shall have more. You cannot dislike them, unless you are out of love with your own compositions, for out of such simples as you they are as certainly compounded as a log is made of a Beetle▪ you shall find here as good sense as ever lip was laid to. In a word, or none, I dare compare for sense with all the Ancient moderns. I will give place, but never precedency, either to Pas●auantius, Matagones'▪ de Matagonibus Mounsiur Goulard, or any other Author famous for delineating wise Ignorance. If I shall have your detracting commendations, say not a word, by which muteness of yours, I shall apprehend that your consent argues silence But if your extolling toothless Detraction must needs lay her venomous fangs on me, I then end with this complemental Bull.  
Farewell and be hanged.   

TO The discerning Reader.  
TO You the sacred issue of Apollo, I dedicate this book, because you only are capable▪ and apprehensive of the quick & nimble conceptions, and of the gross ignorance, contained in it. you can quickly discover a Bull, when with his horns▪ he gores & murders sense. Also you well understand the laws, and nature of Apothegms. You know their proper time to be chiefly at board, when the mind is to be unbended, and digestion aided by mirth. You are not ignorant that there is an Antipathy between them, and all places where either sickness, or sorrow have dominion, and therefore do always produce them in their sense. You are taught by wisdoms self, that they are to mix with our discourse, not to be made the subject of it, as also that they should resemble Children new borne in innocency, & in being toothelesse, for if they bite or offend they are no longer ●est●, but affronts Lastly you can truly judge of their dignity, being rightly informed, that men excellent both among the Greeks, and Latins, have not been ashamed to Father them though now every illiterate sot vents them by hundreds. For your recreation and mine own, I wrote them, yet dare not commend one of them, till I know how you stand affected. Since I freely confess that my liking depends on yours. And here I leave them to their fate, and you to the custody of your better Angels.  
  

TO The Bull-Reader.  
THIS is the fruit of  
Travelling, to swear  
Thou wert admitted  
Natures Counsellor,  
Sworn to her privy Chamber,  
to descry  
The entrailes of  
each hidden Mystery:  
Such virtue have these Beasts,  
to let you see  
The Imps of Ignorance,  
whose stupidity  
Slain man's perfections,  
and bid you call  
Nonsense Discursive,  
Monsters Natural;  
Have you no Faith to credit  
them? Then hear  
The Martial Author by his  
valour swear;  
May his dear purchased credit  
ne'er be salved,  
Were he not Midwife when  
his Bulls were Calved.  
R. C. Cant   

THE BOOK OF Bulls.  

1.  
A Fellow passing through S. Paul's Churchyard, & seeing so many great free stones lie there ready squared out, said to one that was with him, I would I had these stones at home in my yard; why, what would you do with them, said the other? Marry said he, I would build me a brick wall with them round about my house.   

2.  
One being demanded the definition of a Bull, he answered that a Bull was an Ox with two stones.   

3.  
A great traveller swore that in the deserts of Arabia he had seen a Unicorn with two horns.   

4.  
One being at the fall of a very fat gelt Deer, was asked by one (who was no huntsman, and desired to be informed) how he called that Dear; to whom he answered that it was a barren Buck.   

5.  
One whose usual protestation was wont to be as I live, being asked how he did, answered, dead as I live.   

6.  
A Preacher at a funeral Sermon lamenting the shortness of man's life, told the people that there were many beasts outlived a man, for example, the Raven, the Hart, and the Oak, dearly Beloved.   

7.  
A Scholar complaining to his Governor, that one of his fellows had vvronged him, & being demanded wherein; if it please your worship said he, I had no sooner turned my back, but he abused me to my face.   

8.  
A fellow at dinner demanded of one at the Table, what part of the Bullock a Clod of Beef was, the other laughing at his ignorance, told him it was the shoulder-bone of the flank.   

9  
One seeing a Peartree very full, wondered what the owner could do with all those Pears; why said another to him, he sells them to the Bakers to make penny apple pies of them.   

10.  
A fellow that was robbed, said the thiefs had stolen all his linen except only one brass pot.   

11.  
One speaking at a feast of the bravery of the great Turk then reigning: another standing by desired to know what was the great Turks christian name.   

12.  
Two passing the street in a serious discourse, a dumb man begged of them after his mute manner; Sirrah said one of them to the dumb man, can not men pass the streets about their business, but you must thus disturb their conference, Get you gone, or i'll set you packing, and with that lifted up his foot to kick him; O fie, said his companion, will you kick a dumb man? Is he dumb, replied he, why did he not tell me so then?   

13.  
Many dining together at an Ordinary, after dinner was done, one asked another if he would play a rubber or two at Bowls, (marry will I) quoth he, if you will play a piece Rubbers; No, answered the other, I never play above two shillings, before (replied he) I will play for two shillings, I will sit down and walk horses.   

14.  
Discourse arising at the table, of those creatures to which Nature had allotted the longest life, one pleaded for the longevitie of one creature, another of another; and one amongst the rest swore he knew that of all things in the world an Eel lived longest after it was dead.   

15.  
One passing the Ferry at Hampton Court, the Ferry-mans' wife at that time rowed the Boat; whereat he wondering, said to his companion, Lord bless us, I never in my life saw a woman a ferryman before.   

16.  
One coming before a Judge to be tried for his life, and being found guilty pleaded hard for himself; but his fact being notorious he could by no means obtain any favour; whereupon he burst out into immoderate weeping, and with bended knees, and hands lift up besought the Judge that he would grant him life for his wife's sake, and his fatherless children.   

17.  
One relating to certain friends of his where he had supped the night before, and how hard he & the company drank; said, I never tippled so hard in my life, and a great while I bore my drink well, but at the length finding I was so foxed that I could not stand▪ I took my cloak, & ran home as hard as I could drive.   

18.  
One telling another how healthful a thing it was to live in a good air, and on the contrary, how unwholesome to live in a bad, The other thus replied, what you say I know to be true; for I myself dwelled in the Fenny Country; where if I had lived till this time I had been dead seven years ago.   

19  
One discoursing of the succession of Popes, what brave worthy men some of them had been, and what villains others had proved themselves: but for the Pope then living, how good, and wise a man he was; a subtle slander by put this question, I pray you my Masters, (quoth he,) if this Pope die without a son, who shall be Pope next?   

20.  
Many sitting together at dinner, one of them complained of the scarcity of money; how that heretofore he could have taken up an hundred pounds upon his bare word; that now if he were to be hanged he knew not where to borrow five pounds; one of the company said he thanked God that for his part he need not complain; for quoth he, I have of late met with an honest Scrivener that will lend me at any time twenty pounds upon my own Bond without Scrip or Scroll.   

21.  
One coming into an Inn, and espying a handsome Hostess, fell into discourse with her; and amongst other questions asked her how long she had lived there, to whom she answered, but three days; I pray you, said he, at the next word, How many Barrels of Beer do you draw a week?   

22.  
Divers swimming together in the Thames, at length all went out save one, who stayed very long after the rest; wherenpon one of his fellows called to him to make hast out, in that it was late, I pray thee, said he, stay but a little, I will but untruss a point in the water, and come presently.   

23.  
Two playing together for a Piece, he that won finding the others Piece to be so washed that the image was almost quite defaced, refused to take it; whereupon the other referred it to the judgement of the standers by, whether it were good, I or no, The rest refusing to judge it, as not knowing what it was, by reason it was so defective; one undertook to judge it, and swore he knew it to be an Elizabeth Jacobus.   

24.  
A horseman passing a Ferry, and having an unruly Jade, said to the Ferryman; honest friend, I have a skewing horse, wherefore I pray thee tie him to the water.   

25.  
One being at Bowls in the afternoon upon a Sunshine day, and bowling very ill, swore in excuse of himself, that the light of the Sun's shade did so dazzle his eyes that he could not see the Mistress.   

26.  
One in a great assembly praising the situation of London, said it was defended from the rage of the North by hills, that to the South it had a pleasant river, that to the East & West it had beautiful plains: to which another replied, that indeed no exception lay against it but one; for said he, if it stood in the Country it were the finest City in Christendom.   

27.  
A Citizen and a Gentleman made a match to run their Grayhounds at a Hare for a wager, and when they came into the field, the Citizen's Dog beat the other; whereat he much rejoicing said to the Gentleman, How do you like the running of my Dog, to which the Gentleman answered very well, but withal quoth he to the Citizen, did you ever see a better Hare run; faith said the Citizen, I must confess she ran well for a country Hare.   

28.  
A Lord walking in a Church where all his ancestors were buried, an old servant of his then present said, O my Lord, what worthy men these were, I swear if I live I will be buried close by them.   

29.  
Two played a game at Noddy for half a Crown, and he that won finding the other had staked but two shillings, told him he had staked short, to which the other replied, I find where your mistake lieth, for you perceive not that one of the testers I staked is a shilling.   

30.  
Two playing at Tick-tack for money, he that lost desired they might play a while for nothing, to which the other assenting; he that before had lost so many games, now won more; whereupon he said to the other, when we play for money you always beat me, but if you'll play for nothing, i'll play with you for a hundred pounds.   

31.  
Two walking together in a Cloister, and vaunting of their swift running, one of them said to the other, do you run this way, and i'll run that; and i'll hold you ten pounds i'll meet you before you meet me.   

32.  
A Gentleman being drowned in Oxford, his Tutor sent a messenger for his Father (who dwelled a hundred miles off) to come to the funeral of his only Son. The messenger arriving at his Father's house, found that he was dead also; whereupon he returned in all haste back, and when he came to Oxford, said to the Tutor; Sir, the Son may now, if he will go, to his father's Funeral; for he is dead also.   

33.  
A singing man who always bore the base, being merry on a time with the rest of the choir made this Challenge. We are six Bases only in this Choir, and we six will play at any exercise with any other six that sing the same part in the same Choir for ten pounds of my purse.   

34.  
One relating to another the death of one whom he loved most dear, he thus in a very great passion answered, It cannot be that he is dead; for had he been dead, I know he would have sent me word.   

35.  
A purblind fellow in a misty day passing Paul's chain ran against one of the posts, and taking it for a man said, I cry you merry Sir, and presently running against the other, said, I cry you mercy again Sir, truly I think you and I shall meet in Heaven.   

36.  
A Captain in the Low-countrieses being in the company of one, who was a very goodly and a properman demanded his name, and learning that he was named Bird; he said, this is not that Bird whom Taverner killed, is it?   

37.  
A Merchant hearing on the Exchange that Martial Byron was beheaded for Treason in France asked the relator if he lost his head before his death, or after.   

38.  
A Doctor & Captain Norris walked from London to Greenwich, Where when they arrived the Doctor being weary, said, I had not thought it had been so far from London to Greenwich as it is, why (said Captain Noris seriously, and bound it with a great oath) no more it is not.   

39  
One having dined in an Ordinary, seeking round about for his Cloak at length found a Gamester sitting upon it, whereat he being much offended, said, What Sir, do you make a Canopy of my Cloak; I pray you Sir, sit up, and give it me.   

40.  
One relating to others a mischance had befallen him; said as he road over a Bridge his horse skewed, and fell with him off from the Bridge, and that by some near at hand he was tataken up as dead as any man living.   

41.  
One passing by a Polterers' shop, and seeing an exceeding fat Swan lying on the stall, said to his companion, I would that Swan were mine, why said the other, what would you do with it if it were, Marry, replied he, I would make me a Goose Pie of it.   

42.  
One coming by chance into a very merry company, said, gentlemans I think you are merry in sober sadness.   

43.  
One asked another what a clock it was, to whom he answered, It is past twelve very near.   

44.  
One reporting that ●elton had killed the Duke, another standing by said, There was never such a cruel blow given, for he cut two of his ribs, and his Magna Charta quite in two, He would have said, Vena Cava.   

45.  
One reporting what a huge great storm rose the night before, said, it shook the whole house as I would shake this pillar.   

46.  
A hireling Player demanded an augmentation of his means from the Company, and received a denial; whereat being much offended he said, I protest if you mend not my wages you shall see me in Ireland within these two days.   

47.  
A Player being asked how he got his living all the sickness time, answered, I taught 〈◊〉 Dancing School.   

49.  
One said to another, I fared bravely the last night; for I bought a breast of Mutton, and carried it home to my wife, and roasted her to my Supper.   

50.  
Two Servingmen failing out about the dignity of their Masters, one told the other his Master was a Knight; O but, replied the other, my Master is a Knight and a half, for he's a Baronet.   

51.  
A Gentleman having a fair▪ but an old house, one persuaded him to pull it down, and build it up again, to whom he said; what my Masters, will you persuade me to pull down a house that hath stood in my great Grandfather's time, and in my Grandfathers; nay, and (as I take it) in my Fathers?   

52.  
A knavish fellow who had a natural fool to his Master, and of great rank, apparelled himself in all things like a Spaniard, and came to him and presented him with the King of Spain's commends. Whereat his Master being right joyful asked him how the King of Spain did, and how long it was since his arrival, to which he answered a month; what, said his Master, and can you speak no English yet? no indeed, replied the other; whereas indeed they had spoken English all the while.   

53.  
A foolish fellow making lamentable faces as if he were in great pain, one asked him what he ailed; O, answered he, I have such a pain in my thigh, that I cannot lift my hand to my head.   

54.  
A blind Minister coming to speak with a Gentleman, his man came and told him, that the old blind Minister was come to see him.   

55.  
Two fellows bragging what houses their Masters kept that Christmas, one of them said, my Master kill's every day an Ox; Tush, said the other, my Master kill's every day an Ox and a half.   

56.  
One brought a Butcher before a Justice, and accused him for killing a Cow that died of herself, and selling her flesh in the Market.   

57  
A Gentleman sent his man out of England into the Low-countrieses, and charged him to make all possible haste back. The servant making a very slow return, his Master rebuked him, and asked him the cause of his so long stay; to which he answered that he was kept at Sea a long time by a contrary wound: Why, where was the wound said his Master; Marry replied he, by North, and by South. Indeed answered his Master that was a very contrary wound.   

58.  
One reporting not without indignation an affront he had receved that day from a very Goose, another in his company said; O, I know what Goose yond mean, in my conscience you mean a Goose with two legs.   

59  
A Citizen's wife being in the Country, and seeing a Goose that had many Goslings; how is it possible, said she, that one Goose should suckle so many Goslings.   

60.  
One accused another before a Justice for stealing Pears off from his Plum-tree.   

61.  
A foolish Gentleman using always to wipe his britch with the letters he received, having list to go to the retreat called to his man for a letter; who replied that he had none left, Then said he, take pen & ink quickly and make me one.   

62.  
A Bull Prologu, to a foolish Audience.  
YOu who sitting here,  
do stand to see our Play;  
Which must this night,  
be acted here to day.  
Be silent, pray,  
though you aloud do talk,  
Stir not a jot,  
though up & down ye walk;  
For every silent noise,  
the Players see,  
Will make them mute,  
and speak full angrily.  
O stay but here,  
until you do depart;  
Gently your smiling frowns  
to us impart;  
And we most thankless,  
thankful will appear;  
and wait upon you home,  
but yet stay here.   

63.  
A fellow having a great kibe on his heel, swore it was as big ●s an ulcer, & as sore as a walnut.   

64.  
One who had been in the Indies swore he had seen an entire Crystal rock of pure Diamond.   

65.  
Amongst the Quaere's sent to the Prince De La'moar one is, whether or no the Queen of Sheba; were she now living, would go as far to hear his Highness say nothing, as to hear Solomon speak wisely?   

66.  
A fellow in way of derision said of another that he looked like King John amongst though Apostles.   

67.  
One asked another whether, or no he had ever read Venus and Diogenes.   

68  
Another asked his companion whether, or no he had ever read Nero, and Leander.   

69.  
One falling from his horse, and pitching on his head ran amongst a great assembly of his acquaintance, and swore his neck was broken.  
One espying a very fine Bitch, enquired of the standers by whose Dog that Bitch was.   

70.  
One saying that he was taking a journey to Oxford, a friend of his demanded whether he rid or no, to whom he replied that he went a foot in a Wagon.   

71.  
Discourse arising at Table of the miseries of this world, one amongst the rest said, I have so many 〈…〉 that I would 〈…〉 of this life, or out 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 world 〈…〉 whether.   

72.  
One speaking very loud to another without being heard, swore the fellow was dumb he could not hear.   

73.  
One telling his companions the danger a son of his escaped that day, made the relation of the hazard. My boy, said he, being but three years old, and playing in the street fell down, and was not able to rise; A Scavinger p●●●●ng that way wi●h his Cart, and not seeing the Child, drove directly upon him, and the first Horse of the 〈…〉 his feet, without touching him, and so did the second; but the third had his foot up just over his head in all likelihood ready to dash out his brains, but the tender beast (as if a man had said to him, Horse hold thy hand) held his foot a long time up, in so much one who passed by, and seeing the danger the Child was in, took him up, & brought him home.   

74.  
A Player having in his part, All honour to this high imperial presence, said thus, All honour to this high infernal presence.   

75.  
One bra●●ging what 〈◊〉 suit he had, and another standing by, asked him where it was, he answered, In my head.   

76.  
One threatening another absent, meaning to say that where ere he met him he would kill him, though he found him pissing against a wall, swore hastily that where ere he met him, he would run him through a wall pissing.   

77.  
One calling another son of a whore, a slander by rebuked him for so saying; for said he, you know his mother to be an honest woman. It is true, replied the other, I know his mother to be an honest woman, but he is the son of a whore.   

78.  
One manning his Dog at the Bear-garden, and falling into a quarrel with the Butchers, had his head broken in diverse places, and coming home, prayed his wife to look carefully to him; for said he, I have twenty broken heads.   

79.  
One putting this qnestion to another, when shall we have a merry night? Marry, replied the other, of all the nights in the year, let it be on May day in the morning.   

80.  
One praising much the Lord Major of that year present, another standing by swore he had seen a thousand better.   

81.  
A Butcher swore that his Dog fought with a Bear single four hours to one.   

82.  
One praying another to lend him a groat, he answered, he had but one about him, and that was a single threepences.   

83.  
One swore he should never abide the Move more; for, said he, she served me the most fluttish trick the other night; for she shone out till I came to a Ditch, & then she slipped behind a cloud, and let me fall in.   

84.  
A fellow having a very neat beard, would needs have it cut off; for, said he, it is nothing but hair.   

85.  
One being asked if he knew such a man, yes, replied he, I know him by sight, though I never yet saw him.   

86.  
One disclaiming another's acqaintaince, swore he knew him no more than a beggar does his dish.   

87.  
One being in the water prayed another to come in also, to which he said, I protest I can swim no more than a dog, and being entreated the second time, he said, I vow I can swim no more than a post, and being more earnestly the third time, willed to come in, he vehemently swore he could swim no more than a Goose.   

89.  
One ask another in a Moonshine night what a clock it was, he replied, I have a Sundial in my pocket will inform you presently.   

90.  
One in a great kindness told another he did indite him to break his fast with him at supper.   

91.  
A Case being argued before a Judge, a Lawyer with great earnestness affirmed that his Clients right was as clear as a Candle by daylight.   

92.  
A Gentleman making a motion to his companion to ride to a friends house three or four miles off, the other said, it is too far to go to night, we'll rise early in the morning, and not go at all.   

93.  
Two laid a wager how far it was to such a place, the one said it was ten miles distant, the other that it was above; for I am sure, said he, it was ten miles twenty years ago, and no doubt but miles, as all other things, have their increase.   

94.  
One swore to another that he lodged not long ago in a chamber, where he was so stung with Gnats that he could not rest, but was fain to lie standing all night, and that he made his man rise to put out the candle, to the end they might not see to bite him.   

95.  
One complaining of the folly of the age, swore men were far wiser in the future times then now.   

96.  
One speaking of a strange Bird called a Phenicopter, another standing by, said he had read all the Treatises of fourfooted beasts, yet never read of such a Bird.   

97.  
In the great room one pair of stairs high, at the St. john's head within Ludgate in a painted cloth is the picture of jacob's Ladder, and the Angels on it passing up and down, and underneath is written; Here are jacob's Angels ascending, and descending up to Heaven.   

98.  
One being prayed to s●t down to dinner said, I thank you for your kind invitation, but I can eat nothing; for I have had a long time no more stomach than a horse.   

99  
One earnestly desired me, to tell him whether Shrove-tuesday fell out this year, on the Saturday or no, and how many there was in the year.   

100  
Another asked one what Sir Timothy Thornhil; his Christian name was; another answered he had almost forgot, but certain he was 'twas, George or Thoma●.   

101.  
A Gentleman coming to the chamber of an associate of his; where finding him in bed (sleeping,) he waked him, saying, rise sluggard, do you not remember where we promised to walk this morning; pray pardon me, quoth the other, I cannot go with you, you must needs excuse me, I came late home last night; late home, quoth the other, prithee how late was't, why 'twas five a clock in the morning quoth the other.   

102.  
An other was saying all kind of Fowl were two legged, to whom another standing by replied I, but a Pig hath four.   

103.  
A fellow looking in a Latin Book, was asked by a friend (that overlooked him) whether he could read it or no, to whom he replied, yes indifferently, but 'tis the brokenst English that ere I saw.   

104.  
One coming to a Gentleman Prisoner in the Castle, in Oxford; he began to him in this compliment, how do you Sir, are you within, I rejoice to set you; I am in some haste, but pray stay here sir till I come again, and i'll bear you company an hour or two.   

105.  
A fellow hearing one cry Sandwich Carrots, ran to him and desired to see them; which being showed to him, you cheating rogue (quoth he) are these Sandwich Carrots, I indeed are they Sandwich Carrots (said the other) to whom he replied they may be Sandwich Carrots, but they were sown and reaped in London.   

106.  
A fellow bragging of his knowledge in Music, swore he would play exempore with all the Musicians in London and Christendom.   

107.  
A fellow having a broken groat in his pocket, coming to a Goldsmith's shop in Cheapside desired the apprentice no give him a little piece of silver as big as an hazel Nut to zoder it again; when you come into our country i'll give you a piece of lead shall be twice as big.   

108.  
A couple of shopkeepers in the Exchange, seeing Lords, Knights and Gentlem●● (which they knew) 〈…〉 into disputation which was the handsomest Gentleman in that company (quoth the one) me thinks that's the handsomest Gentleman (pointing to a Lord) which caused the other to laugh at him; why laugh you quoth the other; why (replied he) he is a Lord, I said the handsomest Gentleman.   

109.  
Two Gentlemen walking in a Meadow, one showing the other a fat Bull grazing there, said to the other, will not that Bull have a brave pair of Cow heels when he is killed.   

110.  
A fellow having received some abuse from his companion, swore next time he met him he would make him eat his Dagger to a Sword.   

111.  
A fellow seeing his friend playing with his wife, swore they showed like the two Germans.   

112.  
A friend of mine asked me once in what place of England▪ Ireland stood, and was answered by another, in Wales.   

113.  
One told me, reading the works of a Philosopher: Either Publius Virgilius, or Maro found such a Problem as he would not now be ignorant of for an hundred pieces.   

114.  
A fellow speaking in praise of his Painter, said he drew his wife's picture so lively, he did not leave undone so much as an Eye or an Nose.   

115.  
A man reproving his neighbour with the ungraciousness of his children, swore he would bring up his child to the gallows, ere he would suffer him to be a thief.   

116.  
A Gentleman hearing his friend speak a piece of nonsense, admired him, saying, was ever Calf brought to bed of a Bull before?   

117.  
One jeered a young Sailor, and said that he was but a fresh water Seaman.   

118.  
A Vintner showing his Cellar to a Gentleman, said (look you) all these empty vessels are full of Wine, and yet I cannot please my guests.   

119.  
King James lying sick, one prayed in public that he might reign as long as the Sun and Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son after him.   

120.  
One being sick of a Consumption, being asked by a friend how he did, answered, I thank God I am heart whole, but I am troubled a little with a Hectic Fever. [A Hectic Fever is either in the Spirits, or substance of the heart.]   

121.  
A subtle Disputant said sense was divided into two parts, sense, and nonsense.   

122.  
A formal grave fellow said he was of opinion that Melancholy was nothing else but a kind of sadness.   

123.  
An Engeneere threatened to blow up a City gates with a Petar of inundation.   

124.  
One having lost his hat, said I am so forgetful that in my conscience I should lose my britch, did I carry it about me.   

125.  
One said to a Widow, that he could find in his heart to marry a woman were she neither beautiful nor rich; so she were wealthy.   

126.  
A Seaman describing the manner of his Captains going aboard, said; No sooner had my Captain set one foot aboard the shore, the other in the ship.   

127.  
One newly married being discovered by another to walk discontented, said, This fellow now he is married walks up and down like an Image.   

128.  
One seeing another offer in way of jest to strike at him with a Club, said, take heed lest you hurt me, 'tis ill jesting with edge tools.   

129.  
A foolish fellow was angry with his wife for bringing home a shoulder of Mutton without the Rump.   

130.  
One being upon Dover Castle, said he, could discover in Calis by his prospective the sign of Saint Denis of England, and Saint George of France.   

131.  
A Gentleman said, I stayed but a little while by a fishpond, and leap says one fish, leap says another.   

132.  
Two coming through a field where forms of men are cut in Ewe, the one demanded what such an Image was; why, quoth the other it is Cain, & the other demanding why Abel was not there also: marry, replied his companion, because he killed his brother.   

133.  
One who dwelled in Kingston was asked what good companions lived there; faith answered he, except I. P. there is not one worth the hanging, as though he had spoken much in his commendations. I. P. meeting him, said, I thank you sir that you hold me worth the hanging; No, replied the other, I meant there was no man in the Town that deserved but you, ay, That deserved hanging, answered the other, that is worse than the former.   

134.  
One said he rod his horse till he had never a dry thread.   

135.  
A certain fellow that had a great head like a thick rind Orange, but no juce of wit in it, was reprehended because he spoke nonsense: well said he, it is not for want of ignorance that I speak nonsense.   

136.  
A blind man was taking Tobacco, but could not find the candle to light it; whereupon says he, pray neighbour put out the candle that I may see how to light my Tobacco.   

137.  
An old woman that made water often in the night, having filled the chamber-pot, so that it ran over; O husband says she, the chamber-pot hath a hole in't, fetch the cullender.   

138.  
A Country fellow being asked how old his horse was, why says he. He's but a young horse considering his age.   

139.  
A Seaman that was to be hired, being asked what he could do. Sir says he, I do not love idleness, but whither I do any thing or not, I love to be working.   

140.  
A Traveller on the way asked one how far it was to the next Town. It is four miles says he strait forward, but the nearest way is to go about by the Mill, for that will bring you clean out of your way.   

141.  
A maid being asked how long she had kept her maidenhead, why says she? ever since my sister was married, and yet I scorn but to be as good a maid as she, though she be married before me.   

142.  
A Country fellow being demanded, if he thought one were an honest man. He's an honest man says he, and no knave, I knew him to be one.   

143.  
One asked one how he liked a cup of Wine which they were tasting. Marry says he I never tasted Wine that liked me so well, but I have drank better in France.   

144.  
An old man was commending the days of old; well says he, there was more mirth one Holliday, than there is now in a hundred.   

145.  
An old man being desired to come to banquet: Alas says he, I have no teeth to eat sweet meats, if it were a hard crust I could eat it.   

146.  
One being advised to go to Sea, because he was in debt: no says he, I had rather go by land all over the world, for a man need not fear drowning by land.   

147.  
One asked what his Hat cost: why says he, it cost me ten shillings, for 'tis made of as good blue wool, as the white sheep can bear.   

148.  
One desiring a neighbour of his to lend him a porridg-pot: faith neighbour says he I would not have my pot worn out; if you will make porridge without boiling, you shall have it.   

149.  
One being to eat a kind of meat called a Mllian: pray says he to another, do you taste them, for if they poison an honest man, I shall never fear them.   

150.  
A Gentlewoman being at table, and mincing demurely: well says one, this Gentlewoman has no skill to her dinner, yet me thinks she might fall too, and dine when she comes home.   

151.  
One being to set a Hen upon Eggs: well says she, if my dozen of Eggs would bring me fourteen Chikins I would not care.   

152.  
One complained that his tongs and shovel were worn out: whereupon says he I will go and buy a wooden pair of tongs, for they will serve in the Summer time to stir up the fire when there's none in the Chimney.   

153.  
A Maid that had a great deal of beauty but little wit, stood looking in her glass, at last she set the glass before her a pretty distance of, so that the reflection of something was seen in the glass; whereupon she said: well, 'tis no matter, though the shadow be ryemouthed, the substance is as right as my leg.   

154.  
One having an extreme cough: well says he, one cough is very troublesome, what should a man do if he had one and twenty.   

155.  
One that needs would have his clothes made in the fashion, said thus to his Tailor; prithee says he make my clothes according to the old garb of Sir John Oldcastle, for I love to be in the newest fashion.   

156.  
An old woman had scratched her breech till it bled; whereupon she said: well plainly I see that by scratching and scraping a body gets somewhat.   

157.  
One having a tooth to draw, and being very fearful to endure the pain: prithee says he pluck it out gently, and then I care not if my tooth be drawn and hanged in a Lutestring.   

158.  
One that went often to the house of Office said, that his maid Joan had not scoured his vessel, & that was the reason he was troubled with a scouring.   

159.  
A woman that had a drunkard to her husband: well says she I care not if my husband would be drunk every day, so he would not spend his money in drunkenness.   

160.  
A young man being fallen deeply in love said: I wonder why I should stumble or fall in love, for I never went a wooing but in the day time.   

161.  
One hearing a maid sing very sweetly, said: this maid has hath a sweet breast, I warrant she wears musk in her bosom.   

162.  
One being to ride over a great water: O says he if there were a bridge over it, I would ride over the water if it were never so deep.   

163.  
One having a creek or pain in his back: well says he, a pain that takes one before in his back is worse than that which takes one behind.   

164.  
A young fellow being to salute a Gentlewoman that had a muffler before her lips: well says he, it's honour enough for me to salute the clout; it may be the Gentlewoman's lips are sweetest when they are strained.   

165.  
A young wench going to market, being asked by a neighbour how all did at home: why says he, my father, and mother, and rest of our folks have been visited with sickness, but all the household is well in general.   

166.  
One being to tell a tale to make the rest merry, says he I would tell you a tale, but to conclude in few words, I can remember ne'er a word on't.   

167.  
One travelling on the way saw a fair maid making water under a hedge side: fie says he, she might have had more modesty, and made water on the top of the hedge, for than she could not have been seen.   

168.  
One having a trunk that could not hold his clothes: well says he, the Tailor hath made my clothes too little, I wonder why they should be too big for my Trunk.   

169.  
One having rid a horse, and alighting again said, this horse for a trotting ambler goes the easiest that ever I felt.   

170.  
A sick man asked another how he did: I am well says he as you, or any body else can be that is no better in health than I am.   

171.  
One asked another why he did not marry. I am about a Wife says he, but I am afraid of entering into purgatory, for than I should have a cold time on't   

172.  
A Fidler being desired to play a new Tune: Sir says he, let me stand behind your back and i'll play you a Tune was never played before.   

173.  
An old Churl in the Country said, that the days in Queen Elizabeth's time far exceeded these for length; for now four and twenty hours to a day is counted a great matter.   

174.  
One sitting by a fire, O says he these coals are exceeding good, four pecks of them are worth a bushel of other coals.   

175.  
One going to the house of Office, fie upon't says he here's a house indeed adoriferently; I warrant they eat no sweet meats that leave this sent behind them.   

176.  
One being to sing a Catch, Faith says he, I had a good voice once, but I spoiled it with drinking Eggs and Muskadine.   

177.  
One asked another which was the best pot-herbe; why says he, in my conceit a leg of mutton is the best pot-herbe in the pot.   

178.  
A drundard passing through a Forest, and being scratched by the Briars; if you are loving friends says he, let me go home, I have but one penny left, and that's in the outside of my pocket.   

179.  
One speaking of the weather, and the spring-time, we are like says he to have a backward spring, for Saint Mathias day lights on a Holiday.   

180.  
One going by water, and seeing a Swan flutter on the water, O says he, what an ass is yonder Goose, that had rather live on the water, then on the dry land.   

181.  
One riding to Rumford on a sack upon a tired Jade: faith, says he, I never rid harder in my life, considering the slowness of my pace.   

182.  
A Ditcher wading in a ditch began to sigh unto himself, and thus he said: well, of all trades ditching is the worst; especially, when a man must stand dry-shod in water up to the knees.   

183.  
One that had a great Nose being laughed at: well says he, my Nose hangs indeed in my light, or else I might have seen a knave, but howsoever if I were hasty, no man might sooner take pepper in the nose.   

184.  
One making of Puddings said: It is very cold weather, and if my nose drop into my puddings, my wife is not so much in fault as my running head.   

185.  
One looking on a Picture said: This must needs be an excellent Art, who would not be hanged, to be thus drawn forth and quartered.   

186.  
A Justice examining a poor fellow said: sirrah, I understand you are a Thief, but take heed; for if you be once hanged, your Book cannot save you from the Gallows.   

187.  
One being asked how many friends he had in the world: faith says he I have great store of friends that would be as glad to see me as their own hearts.   

188.  
One being troubled with a looseness in his belie: prithee said he to his man tie my points hard, that it may stay my looseness, and set me a chair in my chamber, that I may not go to the stool so often.   

189.  
One being to reach a thing to another out of a window; but could not: friend says he reach it out with your left hand, for it may be the left hand is longer than the right.   

190.  
A man having a wife that lay sick on her deathbed, and desired to make her will: That needs not says her husband, you have had your will all your life time, would you have your will when you are dead too.   

191.  
One ask a schoolboy how far he had learned in his Grammar: why says he I am at finis funis; what's that says he; says he, it is an end and a halter, I says other, but if it had been an end in a halter, it had been a better conclusion.   

192.  
One being invited to a funeral feast, because he would express some dissembled grief: well says he, the party deceased our brother, was an honest man: and whereas other Smiths pawn their tools, he kept his vice to his dying day.   

193.  
A Cobbler was defyning the goodness of Ale; well says he, let my wife chide never so much, if she should cut my throat I would drink strong Ale.   

194.  
A controversy arose between two young fellows concerning their trade; well says the one, if I had followed my trade, I could have deceived you in my calling, for I was never dull of reprehension.   

195.  
One was speaking of the height of Paul's steeple. In troth says he it is the highest steeple for the breadth in the world, and the reason is because the steps are higher in going up then going down.   

196.  
A Traveller telling his Host that he was galled; how came that to pass says his Host: marry says he my saddle was soft enough, but I rid over a hard stony causey, and that galed my breech.   

197.  
One being to take his leave of his friends: well says he, friends must part, and affection will break out of these dry conduits of my eyes, but farewell and be hanged, I can but wish you well.   

198.  
A fellow that had no buttons to his doublet before: well says he, of all fashions loops and buttons is best, for though the buttons wear off, yet the loops will hold a man's doublet together.   

199.  
A wench that served hogs, being asked what wages she had: why says she I have twenty shillings a year, that's six shillings a quarter, and please the hogs.   

200.  
One was going upon the Ice which cracked under him: well says he if the Ice should break I should be over head & ears, but 'tis no matter I can swim if I were at the bottom of the water.   

201.  
One having got the drunken Hiccock: this it is says he to drink Aquavitae and Rosa Solis, and such Latin hot-waters, that a man must be afterward put to decline Hic, hoc, when he cannot speak English.   

202.  
One being sent by a Justice of Peace to carry a Goose in a basket to a Gentleman's house for a present: faith says he, I could find in my heart to let him out, for the Justice has charged him to go thither, and if he should straggle away, the Justice can send Hu and Cry after him.   

203.  
Two going in a stormy day together they ran to the hedge side to defend themselves from the weather, when presently it begun to thunder: whereupon says other, I never pray but in time of thunder, & then I can say forty prayers that I forgot seven years ago, for fear will quicken a dead man's wits.   

204.  
One being to pass over a narrow bridge, and another meeting him half way: friend says he, it was ill done to meet me thus full but, you might have had the manners to have come after me, and met me behind.   

205.  
One having his Candle gnawed every night by a Mouse: well says he, I will let my Candle burn every night, and then I shall be sure to save it from the Mice.   

206.  
One telling how a dog flew upon him: says he, the dog being tied in a chain, came violently upon me, & so having a riding wand in my hand I struck him down with my staff, so that standing on his legs he lay panting on the ground ready to die.   

207.  
One being to carry a couple of Rabbits up to a Gentleman's table, carried the legs forward, and being reproved for it by his Master: well says he, i'll carry them back again, and it may be they will come in again with their heads forward and in better fashion; for they are meat of a good carriage.   

208.  
One having bought twelve Apples for a penny, laid them down again and said; Prithee give me six Apples for a halfpenny, for they are better ●hen twelve for a penny.   

209.  
A Country Boy being brought to London young: where he saw a Parrot talking in a Cage he said: O where might one buy such a Cage for my mother, for they say she will talk like a Parrot.   

210.  
One being to buy feathers by the pound; fie on't said he, who would think that a pound of feathers should be as heavy as a pound of lead.   

211.  
One seeing a Turkey brought to the table swore 'twas the fairest beast that ere he saw or tasted.   

212.  
A Jack a Napes was tied on a Dogs back, and the Dog ran away; which an old woman seeing, cried out, well rid little young Gentleman.   

213.  
One seeing in the Muses the great Horses raised, asked the Groom if that would not make a brave courser, he stood so well on tiptoe.   

214.  
One extolling an ancient Don newly slain in the field; another answered, no doubt he was a fine old man in his young days.   

215.  
Two Butchers set their dogs a fight, which one seeing cried out, the brinded dog will will prove himself the better man.   

216.  
One refusing to eat Cheesecakes, was asked his reason, he told them he loved the flesh well, but was afraid of the bones.   

217.  
One ask whence Lobsters were brought, his fellow replied, one might easily know their country by their coat, they are fetched surely from the Red Sea.   

218.  
One being asked what he would give for a Sow and seven Pigs, nothing, quoth he, for the Sow, and less for the Pigs, if you'll take that bring'um in.   

219.  
One pretending to pull down a Tree, his neighbour told him his only way to pull it down, were to pulck it up by the roots.   

220.  
One making love to a country woman, having first kicked her sow, she told him the Proverb condemned him, love me, love my dog.   

221.  
One ask which was the highest Steeple in England, his fellow said, Lincoln without doubt, only Paul's was much higher.   

222.  
One feeding heartily on his neighbour's barley bread, asked him what ground that wheat grew on.   

223.  
One ask his neighbour for a hunting Nag, he told him if he meant to buy a good one he must stay till leap year.   

224.  
One laying a wager on a Mare's side, the owner bid him doubt not he should win the money; if his Horse lost the race, he would cut off his stones.   

225.  
A Country Man hearing Paul's Organs, said London Fandlers made the best Music.   

226.  
One eating powdered Beef, which was hot in the mouth, told his Host, that his Beasts ne'er drank any thing but salt water.   

227.  
One having a red Herring to breakfast, took a bit and went away; for said he, I never eat fresh fish but I am sick after it.   

228.  
One told his companion that Pancrage Church was the first Church in England, that's true quoth he, for that's the mother of all; and Paul's the father.   

229.  
One said Lent was the worst time in all the year, there were so many fridays fell together.   

230.  
One said there were two Shires in England that were most famous. It was Kent and Christendom.   

231.  
A Scholar having Ink that looked black and writ white, said sure 'twas nothing but Blackamoors sweat.   

232.  
A young man asked a blind man's counsel how to choose a wife, i'll tell you quoth he, let me but see her face.   

233.  
One commended his Son for a good Scholar, and said he could read any thing without book at ●irst sight.   

234.  
A maid being chid for over-sleeping herself, told her Mistress, she would lie awake all night, but she would tell her to a minute how many hours she slept.   

235.  
Two Citizens met, and one said the red Cows gave the sweetest milk, no says the other, give me the Calf with the white face.   

236.  
A begging Soldier was relating his shipwrecks, and said, in a fight both his Arms were cut off, and if he had not by chance laid hands on the side he had been drowned.   

237.  
Divers youths being jumping together, one protested, though he were now so unwieldy, yet he once jumped further than ere he did in his life.   

238.  
One driking small All, which was very thin, asked his Host how dear Hopps were sold when that drink was brewed.   

239.  
One complained that he dreamed continually, and yet knew how long his fellow advised him to lay his watch at his bed's head.   

240.  
A Genrleman bearing love to a young maid, her father charged him to forbear the house, and told him the next time he came in, he would shut the door against him.   

241.  
Two walking together in the fields, were at length hemmed in by a great ditch, which when they perceived, quoth one of them we must go back again; for this ditch is too big for us to jump over; Nay, quoth the other, I protest I will jump over though I light just in the middle.   

242.  
One going along the street in great haste with a pot in his hand, was called by a friend of his in the way, and entreated to stay and drink with him; to whom he replied, he could not possibly stay, in regard he was going in great haste to fetch a pot of Ale to make a Sack Posset of.   

243.  
One living in a Parish of London, espied the Clerk of the same Parish passing by him, to whom he said, O Clerk you are very jocund now you have been at the burial of your Sexton; but ere it be long he shall do as much for you.   

244.  
One (whoby habit seemed to be a Minister) was riding along the highway near unto a Coale-kilne; where out at that time there came a fellow very black, by reason of the smoakinesse of the place from whence he came: The Minister, minded to make himself and his company merry, with a loud voice called unto the fellow, and asked him what news from Hell? To whom he replied, I know none but this; The Devil wants a Chaplin, and if you make haste to Hell, I doubt not but you may have the place.   

245.  
One being troubled with a scolding wife, O says he, if my wife would but scold patiently, we should live as quietly as two Lions.   

246.  
One meeting of a maid, sweetheart says he, if you cannot affectt me, pray let me entreat your disfavour, for though I never come to visit you, yet I must needs come to see how you do.   

247.  
One being to admonish a a friend to become a good husband. O says he, the loss of time is the greatest benefit in the world, and therefore follow the example of those that are to come.   

248.  
A milkmaid was going over a style, and so spilt her milk: wherefore says she, I h●● rather have lost twice as much milk if it had been spilled and never fallen on the ground.   

249.  
An old man being told that he should not swear: well says he I will use to wear falling bands, for I never swear but 'tis in my choler.   

250.  
One hearing a sowgelder wind his horn: would every Cuckold says he had such an one, on that condition that I bought one.   

251.  
A Capenter being asked why his wife scolded. The reason is says he because my wife's tongue hath got an Ague, and therefore it is now in a shaking fit.   

252.  
One hearing a Fiddler play very melodiously: fie upon't says he, this Music makes me melt into passion like butter in a great frost.   

253.  
One that had been beyond Sea, being asked what country he had been in: why says he I have been in a country that is so fruitful, that it flows with Oat meal and puddings.   

254.  
One being desirous to see the Lions: well says he it is no wonder that I was drunk at the sign of the Lion, for a Lion is a terrible beast dead or alive.   

255.  
One tying her shoe said: I would not be tied always to this, for 'tis unfit the head should stoop to the foot.   

256.  
One being to pay a reckoning: well says he, do you pay for all that's come in, and then i'll discharge the reckoning.   

257.  
One being to give place to another at the table: friend says he, I esteem you for my chiefest guest, you shall sit at the upper end of the table, and I will sit in the middle right over against you.   

258.  
One ask him what house he came of: why says he I came of as ancient a house as any in Covent Garden, and I was a Gentleman before I was borne.   

259.  
A Country fellow being asked if he would come to dinner: I says he, after you have made an end, i'll come and dine as soon as you.   

260.  
One being to ride a journey: well says he, I am to ride very far to morrow, yet i'll eat somewhat in the morning, for when my belly is full, I care not if I fast all day.   

261.  
A Drunkard being laid drunk upon a bed; desired them to take away the pillow that he might lie higher with his head.   

262.  
One being very cold: well says he I know the reason why I am so cold, for the wind is got into my belly, and I cannot be warm before I have let a—   

263.  
A milkmaid was going over a style and spilt her milk: well says she, I had rather have lost my maidenhead, for this milk I cannot recover, but I could have got that again though I had lost it over and over.   

264.  
An old servingman having lost his money at Tables, said; had I lost my money at Dice it would never have grieved me.   

265.  
A Scullion having washed his hands very white; I marry quoth he this is somewhat like, but if I had washed my hands in Snow water, than they would have been whiter.   

266.  
Two being to fight: well says the one if you kill me then pray commend me to my friends, but if I kill you, you may go and do your commendations yourself.   

267.  
One desiring to know how old the Moon was: another told him that the Moon was out of date, so that although she do not rise until morning, yet she will shine all night.   

268.  
A man being to teach an untoward boy to go to plough▪ sirrah says he, if you do not learn by my destructions, i'll take you from plough and se● you to serve hogs: for you are my Uncle's son, and therefore nothing a kin unto me.   

269.  
One in a Sermon was saying that Hannibal, that Noble Roman Captain was wont to sleep in his Armour to keep himself awake. ⸫  
FINIS.    

THE TWO LAST Centuries of Bulls, jests and Lies.  

A Foolish woman seeing her Hen (having sat her full time) did not hatch her Eggs, desired her next neighbour to tell her the reason of it, and withal how she should get them hatched, who told her that she must put them in a Cuckold's cap: whereupon she went to a man she well knew to borrow his hat, not sticking to tell him the cause of her request, whereat he being nettled beat her sound; Notwithstanding this beating she went to another, and another of her neighbours, by whom she was likewise well swaddled; with which being madded she ran home in a Pet, and swore she would have a Cuckold of her own ere night, and be beholding to near a rascal of them all.   

A loud Lie.  
A Fellow swore that he had seen a Viol-de-Gambo as big as an ordinary Church, and another demanding how it could be possibly played on, he said, he that owned it made him a two handed Bow a furlong in length, and he & his wife drew it o'er the strings, while twelve of his children ran up the Frets, and stopped in as due time with their feet, as any man could with his fingers.   

Of a Fellow with a wide Mouth.  
A Fellow with a wide mouth complained at his Supper that he could not hit it, to whom a pleasant companion that sat next him said, If you put your meat in any place between your ears you cannot miss it.   

A Lie.  
ONe made a relation of a Horse of his, who having been dead, and flayed three days before, came to his parlour window and neighed; whereupon (said he) I knowing well the neighing of the beast looked out and seeing it was he, and loving him dear, caused presently twenty Wethers to be killed, and clapped them warm to his back, and this Horse lived seven years after, and yielded me every year seven Tods of Wool.   

Of one who thought to get another's Sword by praising it.  
A Gentleman liking extremely another's sword, thought by praising it to make it his own, believing that the other in civility would offer it him; but he took his mark amiss; for the other smelling his plot, told him he should love his Sword the better while he lived because he liked it, and that in remembrance of him he would never part with it.   

A Lie.  
A Brother of the Whetstone swore that a Lady going a journey with four Flanders Mares in her Coach, one of them chanced to foal on the highway, and the Lady valuing the Mare at a high rate, caused the Foal to be put in one of the Boots of the Coach, and I, said he, knowing the Lady well, and encountering her on the way, lighted to salute her, and bowing to kiss her, the Foal clapped his head between hers and and mine, & licked my Nose, whereat I was extremely daunted, thinking indeed it had been the Devil.   

Of a Puritan.  
A Puritan Minister inveighing against Pastimes and May-games, called the Town Maypole, the forbidden Tree.   

A Lie.  
ONe swore he swallowed a Pin, and presently making a Cross on his Ankle, pulled it out there.   

Of two chollerieke Gamesters.  
TWo choleric Brothers dwelling in the same house, and playing often at Tables; one day amongst the rest fell at difference about a cast, and withal together by the ears; but their mother reconciled, and swore them never to play more together; or, if they did, not to speak one word, how angry soever they were: But after this oath taken they fell to play again, and he who played with the white men being extremely angry with the Dice, (yet remembering his oath) spoke not a word, but threw one of his men into the fire, and called for a white crust in stead of it. Not long after, he that played with the black men threw away one of them also, & called for a brown crust in stead of it.: Thus they continued play, and burning their men, till all the Table-men were turned to white bread and brown.   

A Lie.  
A Soldier protested that being in the Wars between the Russian and Polonian, there was in a great Frost a parley between the two Generals; one standing on one side of a narrow river, and the other on the other. But, said he, the words were no sooner out of their mouths but they were frozen, and conld not be heard till eleven days after that a Thaw came which dissolved them; and made them audible to all.   

Of the King's Evil.  
A Notable drunkard passing the street, and having his chaps muffled with a red cloth, was asked by a friend who met him what he ailed, to which he answered, that he was almost starved, and therefore desired the other to have him to a Tavern, and there to bestow on him some wine, and meat; promising to spend on him an angel the next week; and the other demanding how he would come by an Angel: marry said he, I have a great swelling in my chaps, & I hope it is the King's Evil, and then the King will give me an Angel.   

A Lie.  
ONe vowed that on Salisbury-plaine he started a Hare, and having a swift Horse under him, coursed her, & gave her twenty turns, at length his Horse being weary, and he vexed that he could not tyre her, threw his Hat at her, which lighting just before her, she ran into, and turned over, and over in it so long that he had leisure to light from his Horse and take her up.   

Of an old Man and a Boy.  
AN old Man bringing his Son to be Catechised against Easter, the Minister told him he thought he needed instruction as well as his Son; saying withal that he did not believe that he knew, (as old as he was) who made him: and thereupon put that question to him, & the old Man answering nothing the Minister said; It is a shame that at these years you should be ignorant of what concerns you so much, & your child knows better than you. Marry I think so, replied the old man; for he is but newly made, and may well remember it, but fourscore years are past since I was made.   

A Lie.  
A Dutch Admiral telling a loud lie before the States, was seconded with a louder by one of his Captains; who being rebuked by one of the States for broaching so notorious an untruth (he answered) I do but my duty in following my Admiral.   

Of a Gentlewoman who sung out of time, and tune.  
A Gentlewoman having a very bad voice, and singing both out of time and tune, was told by one of her Auditors that she sung most heavenly; who being accused by a friend then present of gross flattery, he said, I spoke most properly in saying she sang most heavenly, since there is no time in heaven, nor in her singing.   

A Lie.  
A Notable Cheat, asked for Ashes, ten pounds a peck; and being asked why he sold them so dear, he swore they were the Ashes of those Coals that burnt Saint Laurence.   

Of a Thief.  
A Thief being arraigned, and asked what he said to his accusation, Marry replied he, it is a foul matter, and I desire to hear no more of it. The same Rogve swore he would bind the Judge to the Peace, because he stood in fear of his life by his means.   

A Lie.  
A Notorious Liar said he saw a Stone falling from Heaven, and that it was fifteen years in coming down, and that he never slept all that while, and that he could see as well in the night, as the day.   

Of a Fart.  
ONe being asked what of all things was the most merry, answered a Fart; for that doth nothing but sing from its birth to its death.   

A Lie.  
A Faulkner affirmed with many oaths that he killed a hundred birds at one shoot, and all in the eye.   

Of a Three-penny-Ordinary.  
A Fellow being at a Three-penny-Ordinary, the servant brought him a very little piece of mutton in a great platter of pottage, which done, he went for Bread and Beer. At his return he found the man stark naked; and wondering at it, asked him the reason why he stripped himself in such cold wether: Marry replied he, if you had not come in as you did I had swom to the Mutton; for without swimming it is impossible ever to come at it.   

A Lie.  
ONe swallowed a Larks Claw whole, and feeling a week after an extreme pain in one of his sides, and wondering what it should be, he swore he espied the Claw coming forth.   

Of a Woman in Labour.  
A Scholar lying in a Midwife's house, and seeing her on a time going out, asked her whither she was going; to whom she answered that she was going to a Woman's Labour. She returning some two hours after, he asked her if the Woman was brought to bed, I or no, to which she answered no, then replied he, you come from the Labour in Vain.   

A Lie.  
A Fellow swore by no small ones, that he ran a Grayhound Bitch great with whelp at a Hare; who taking a hedge, and the Bitch making after her, she lighted on a stake, which rend her belly up, and that the whelps that were in her womb ran after the Hare and killed her. I loved (said he) this Bitch so well that I made me a pair of Buskins of her skin, which had the power to endue me with such swiftness, that if at any time a Hare started in my presence, I could not rest till I caught her.   

Of a Glutton.  
A Glutton wished at a great Feast that he had been created a Cow rather than a man; for a man, said he, can eat but three or four times a day at most; whereas a Cow chewed her Cud, and eat continually. The same beast wished that if he went to Heaven when he died, he might be wound up by a Jack.   

A Lie.  
A Fisherman affirmed, that he drew up an Eel in his Net as big as the Town Maypole, and called his man to witness; who said, it was hardly so big, but swore it was full as long.   

A Lie.  
A Traveller praising the City of Venice, and being questioned by one of the company concerning some particular places of that City, he said, truly Sir, I only passed through it Post, and the other objecting that no man could pass there by Horse, but that all men went by Boat: he replied, that he rid through it in a great frost when the Sea was frozen.   

A Lie.  
A Fowler maintained that he killed three hundred Snipes at a shoot.   

A Lie.  
A Keeper swore he shot off a Bucks right foot and left ear at a shoot, & being asked how he could possibly do it, he answered, that the Buck was lying, and scratching his left ear with his right foot when he shot him.   

Of an Ape Carrier.  
AN Ape Carrier before a great concourse of people asked his Ape what he would do for the King of England? Whereat the Ape scipped: See, Gentlemen, said he, How the poor dumb thing leapeth for joy at the very Name of the English King. He then demanded what he would do for the Pope? whereupon the Ape couched close, and grinned: You may see by this, noble spectators, said he, that the ingenious beast is a good Protestant. He thought by this to catch his silly audience, but was caught himself, and sound beaten.   

Of a Protestant, and a Papist.  
A Lare French Protestant: in birth and knowledge equally great, confuted whole swarms of Monks that came to convert him. They finding themselves too weak by Disputation, betook them to corruption, and so by promotion made him a Convert. Not long after a Papist encountering a Protestant in the street, upbraided him thus. You see now Sir, the excellency and force of the Catholic Religion, in that it is able to convince the most knowing, and eminent man on your side; To which the other made this reply. Rather you may discern by this the clearness of our Religion; and how far in value it surpasseth yours, in that you were fain to give boot.   

Of two Gentlemen, and an Hostess.  
TWo Gentlemen being in a Tavern, bespoke of the Hostess a Leg of Pork against a prefixed day, and bade her powder it throughly. In obedience to their command she spared no salt, and made it so briny, that it was able to fire a palate of Ice: Well, the day being come, and the company met; one of the Gentlemen longing to taste it cut a great slash, but the first bit was no sooner in his mouth, than he spit it out again, and threw the dish with the meat over his head, crying out with as loud a voice as men do fire: I willed the salt Bitch, said he, to corn me well a Leg of Pork, and she hath served in a limb of Lot's wife.   

Of the Sun's Eclipse.  
A Company of women beholding the Eclipse of the Sun, thought verily the Moon and he had been together by the ears: whereupon some cried out, God bless the Sun, God bless the Sun, for if the wicked Moon overcome him, we shall be in everlasting darkness, o, said others trembling, it is to be feared she will have the better of him. Marry, answered others, we pray Heaven she may, and you are but unthankful wretches to pray, & rail against the Female Star, to which in all your course you are so much beholding. No sooner had the Sun recovered his wont lustre, but those of his party made haste to drink his health, some in the Grape, others the Barley he had ripened for them. Those of the Moon's faction, studied who should honour her most, some made oblation of Eggs to her in her own shine, and others vowed to offer up to this horned Queen, horns of their own making.   

Of a loving Wife.  
DIscourse arising at a great feast of loving Wives, one there present made mention of one of the most affectionate he thought, that ever the Sun looked upon. Of this so much predicated affection he gave this evidence, that he had heard her often swear, when ever her husband rose out of bed before her, she used to convey herself into his warm place, so much she loved the heat and impression his body left behind it. Tush, replied a merry fellow, This is an infallible sign she loved his room better than his company.   

Of a loving couple.  
TWo ancient friends meeting, fell into talk of a new married couple well known to them both, and one of them being their neighbour, the other demanded of him how they agreed; For said he, it is buzzed abroad they jangle often, of which I desire to be resolved. The other answered, it was as mere a slander as the Devil himself could forge; in that since the first two that peopled the world, never any pair gave clearer demonstrations of a firm friendship. There can be, quoth he, no more apparent token of a mutual dearness, then when two joy one joy, and grieve one grief; and that they do. I will instance in this only: If peradventure his occasions call him from home he rejoices, and she rejoices; and when he returns back again, he grieves, and she grieves.   

Of a Poet, and a Sculler.  
A Famous Poet, out of mere charity took a house, on the Backside, intending; indeed, what he could never comp●●●e, to civilize the Watermens. No man more able than he to deliver himself by Tongue, or Pen, yet hardly able to live. A hard case, when amongst the many who offer their service to Apollo, and the nine Muses, so few should by them be owned, and yet those few receive such hard bord-wages, and wear such bear Liveries. Well, this brave man standing a beggar at his own door a Scullar being to change his Fares money came to him, and (after the manner of those ignorant men) concluded what, indeed, he should have questioned. Sir, said he, you cannot give me a groat and a two pence for a six pence. What if I cannot you rogue? replied the good man, and being nettled, gave him a kick on the britch that set him half way to his boat.   

Another of his touching a Pig.  
IT is a received opinion in London, especially on the Bankside, that the Dog's line the Sows. This companion proved it to be most true; for his neighbours finding him beating a poor woman, first took him off, and then questioned what cause he had so to use her. A pox on the damned whore, said he, she sold me a pig that barked.   

A Jinne of his to catch Fiddles.  
BEing often troubled with unseasonable Fiddlers that played at his window before day, at length he devised a Jinne for them. He boored holes through half a dozen pieces of silver, and fastened them to a packthread; and when these importunate rogues next came, he opened his window, told them he was not well, and therefore could not endure any noise; yet thanked them for their good will, and said, Here my masters, drink this Crown for my sake; then threw he down the same money tied to the packthread, but no sooner did he hear it clink on the ground, but he pulled it up again. Those Fiddlers that first stooped for it, were accused by the rest of theft; so from bad words they proceeded to strong blows, and when day broke, to his extreme laughter, he discovered the broken ribs of many slaughtered Fiddles.   

Of a journey of his into the Country.  
HEe and his mate in wit, F. B. making a journey of pleasure into the Country, in the company of many their merry companions, and riding a slow pace, one amongst the rest made a motion to put their horses to a hand gallop, that they might come to their lodging in a good hour; Pish, said F. B. Let us run them; what is a false gallop amongst half a dozen? At length the two Poets riding on two horses that halted worse than any Verse, laid a wager of six pence a stumble, and twelve pence a fall, had judges deputed; and at night he was crowned as victorious that had escaped the most stumbles, and overcome the most falls.   

Of one whose Horse tired.  
A Pleasant Gentleman riding in post hast, and his Horse beginning to fail him, one that overtook him asked him from whence he came, to whom he answered, From Sidon; he than asked him whither he went, he replied, to Tyre. The conceit is so easy it needs no explaining.   

Of another whose Horse tired.  
A Gentleman riding post, and forcing his Horse beyond the ordinary post rate, at length he was so far spent, that he could not budge one foot further: Well, said he, I have rid post all this day, and now I stand post.   

Of a Gentleman, and a Carman.  
ALl Carmen are as arrant beasts as their horses, and deserve indeed no other employment then to carry one another to Tyburn. One of these meeting a Gentleman in a narrow lane run him up against a wall, and after exchange of bad language betwixt them, lashed him so, that the Gentleman when he came to his lodging, swore to his Host, he met a fellow that with his whip set him up, and made him spin like a top.   

Of a Player, and a Bearward.  
WIll Backsted the best Comedian, that ever trod on English Stage, drinking one day with Master Henshman, Master of the ●ame at the Paris Garden, provoked him so far, that Hensman struck him box on the ear; whereupon Will, who was only tongue-valiant said, Well Pope Henshot, I will he even with you another time Pope; thou slave, replied he, why call'st thou me Pope? I defy the Pope and all his works. Why, answered Will, wilt thou deny that name? dost thou not send Bulls abroad every day.   

Of a Boy that saw a Dog in a Wheel.  
A Poor Woman in the Country sent her Son to a Gentleman's house upon some errant or other. The loitering lad stayed somewhat too long, whereat his mother being offended, beat him sound at his return. Execution ended, the boy told her if she had been there she would have stayed as long as he, and she demanding the reason, he said. O mother, it would have done your heart good to see how daintily a Dog in a Wheel spinned roast meat.   

Of a ridiculous Fellow.  
A Ridiculous Fellow being laughed at by the whole company, told them that he had a certain quality, which was to laugh at all them that laughed at him. Hast thou? replied one of his companions; then thou leadest the merriest life of any man in Christendom, implying that all the world laughed at him.   

Of taking the Wall.  
TWo fellows falling out in the street, they drew, & one wounded the other; the people who came to part them, asked him that was hurt how they fell out; to which he replied that he knew not, having never seen the other in all his life. They then asked the other how he came to draw upon one he never saw before and so consequently could not be offended by him, to which he answered, that the day before the others Boat took the wall of his on the Thames.   

Of a House and a Cellar.  
A Gentleman who was a good fellow, sent a man of his to take him a house in London. After the fellow had wandered long up and down, at length he read this bill on a door, Here is to be let a house with a Dining room, a Kitchen, sixteen Chambers, and a Cellar ready furnished. Whereupon he ran to his Master, and told him that he had found a House for his turn, with a Cellar full of good liquor; the Ass thinking that the word (furnish●) had not relation to the whole House, but to the Cellar only.   

Of a witty Clerk.  
A witty Clerk to a Justice of Peace, that for a bribe used to help delinquents at a dead lift, speaking of two Justices; one whereof was crafty & subtle, the other a Dunce said, he had as much ado to conceal a business from the one, as he had to make the other understand it.   

Of a Spitter before a Justice.  
A Heinous Thief being brought before a Justice, all the time of his examination would not speak a word, but hawked, and spit extremely; whereupon the Justice called him unmannerly knave, and asked him why he spit so much; to which he thus answered, I am endeavouring to clear myself.   

Of a Tailor and a Horse.  
A Tailor bought a large Horse of a Gentleman for seven pounds to be paid at three months end, and in the mean time he altered a suit for the Gentleman, which in his esteem could not amount to above forty shillings. When they came to reckon, the Tailor brought him a bill of seven pounds; whereat the Gentleman being amazed said, I firmly believe that it is impossible for a Camel to go through the eye of a needle, yet my horse being almost as big as a Camel, is gone quite through.   

Of Evil in Good.  
Two subtle disputers decided this question, whether or no there be any evil in good, an old fellow sitting by, as moderator, said, that he would maintain that evil might be in good; and to prove it by demonstration showed them an impostumed leg in a new stocking.   

Of a Jakesfarmer.  
A Jakes-farmer passing the streets of London at his usual time of night two, or three Citizens passing by him stopped thei● noses, and cried faugh, whereat be being much offended, cursed them, saying; A murrain on you for a company of coxcombs, if you would stop your Arses, you need not at all stop your Noses.   

Of a Child, and a fat Man.  
A Verry fat Man walking abroad, a little Child espied him, and wondering at him, ran into his mother, and said, O Mother had you been with me you should have seen the strangest sight! There was a man passed by with two Arses, one before & another behind.   

Of Banks, and his Horse.  
Banks being at Orleans in France, and making his famous Horse do tricks, which to the French seemed so strang●, & wonderful that they thought they could not be done without the help of the Devil, The Monks and Friars caused him to be apprehended, & brought him before the Magistrate, and accused him to be a Witch, or a Conjurer; Whereupon Banks desired them he might send for his Horse, and then he would give them a plain demonstration that he was no Devil.. They granted his request, and when the Horse was come, he entreated one of them to hold up his Crucifix before the Horse; which he no sooner did but the Horse kneeled down before it, whereat they greatly marvelled, and saying, the Beast was inspired; dismissed Banks not without money, and great commendations.   

Of two men stung with Gnats.  
TWo men lying together in a Moonshine might, they were both so extremely stung with Gnats that they could not take their rest: Yet at length one of them of a tougher skin than the other fell asleep. The other lying still awake, and being still tormented, bethought himself how he might secure his face from the Gnats; At length he remembered he had been a Whistler in a Ma●● the Christmas before, and that he had a Vizard in his Trunk. He therefore rose, put it on, and presently fell asleep. His bedfellow rising to make water, and beholding such a face in bed with him, ran toward the Chamber door, and cried out, The Devil; the other awakened with the noise, and hearing him name the Devil, (forgetting he had his Vizard on) made after him, & both leaping down the stairs, lay at the bottom of them well bruised, and bewrayed till morning.   

Of a Merry Fellow.  
A Merry Fellow being in the company of many Ladies, and Gentlewomen happened to let a fart, whereat they all laughed extremely, thinking to put him out of countenance, but he nothing at all abashed said, Intruth Ladies, I had thought a poor man's Tail would not have been heard amongst you.   

Of one who forswore being bound.  
A Gentleman having sworn on the Bible to his wife never to be bound for any man more; a friend of his came to entreat him to stand bound with him for fifty pound, which he denied to do, alleging his oath; yet seeing the other depart discontented whom he dear loved, he called him back, and said; I have found a way to save my oath: I will be the principal, and thou shalt be bound with me.   

Of a Gentleman and a Pander.  
A Noble Gentleman being abused by a base panderly fellow, did presently upon the place beat him well-favourdly. Whereupon the braggadochya the next day sent his boy to him, to certify him that his Master stayed for him with his sword in St. G●●●ges fields; Whereunto the other thus answered, I pray thee thee tell thy Master I do not mean● to be so familiar with him, intimating the disparity between a Gentleman a and Rascal.   

Of a Drunkard's eyes.  
A Drunkard having lost one of his eyes with drinking, was warned by his Physician to leave off tippling, lest he lost the other also; to whom he thus replied, I care not if I do, for I have seen enough, but I have not drunk enough.   

Of a ●pend all in drink.  
A Gentleman (if so ignoble a beast deserve so noble a name) having spent a revenue of a thousand Per annum in quassing, happened to walk through a Market Town of the same County where he lived. A certain fellow that well knew him said to his companion, seest thou that man, he hath spent a thousand pound Per annum in drink. The Drunkard overhearing him replied; yes that I have, and for all that am a-dry yet.   

Of one who lost his nose with the French Pox.  
THe Pox having eaten a fellow's nose quite off, the scab forsaking that part, had an ambition to take the circumference of his face, and beginning at one ear, went round by his chin till it reached the other. A simple fellow espying it, and taking it for a Ringworm, said to his companion. Didst thou ever see a Ringworm run about so? to which the other answered, thou art a fool, it must needs go about when the bridge is broken down.   

Of another nose lost with the same Pox.  
ONe having lost his nose by the Pox was warned by his Chirurgeon to venture no further, least at last the contagion reached his brain. Tut replied he, you counsel me in vain; think you I will give o'er a loser?   

Of Peter's being at Rome.  
LIttle Captain Norris hearing a Divine at a Lords Table maintain that Peter was never at Rome, replied with an oath that he lied; for he had heard Peter himself say that he had been there, meaning one Captain Peter.   

Of the same Captain Norris.  
THis Captain being of a dwarfish stature, rid out one day alone to discover the enemy. My Lord of Essex his General hearing of it, and knowing the rashness and indiscretion of the man, said to the standers by. The enemy will take this Urchion, and cramp him till he confess all the secrets of our Army; wherefore half a dozen of you ride several ways, that you may find, and fetch him in. They obeyed, and after a long search one of them found him, and told the manner how. My Lord, said he; after a tedious enquiry after him, I lighted on a shepherd, who told me he saw no man pass that way, but that a horse an hour before went by with a Hart at the saddle pummel, by which relation I knew it was little Norris, and riding after him brought him back.   

Of an Annuity given to the same Captain, by Sir Edward Norris.  
SIr Edward Norris pitying this little Captains low estate gave him an Annuity of forty pounds per annum, and bound land for the payment of it. The Lawyer read the Indenture to the little Captain; where it was specified that the exhibition was to be paid him by twenty pound every half year, to wit, at the Feast of our Lady, and the Feast of Saint Michael. Whereat the Captain incensed, as having received an injury, snatched the writing out of the Counselors hand, and tore it, and called Sir Edward Norris all to nought. The Lawyer demanding a reason of his anger, he thus replied. Have you no body to make a fool but of me? Think you a Soldier can make two feasts with forty pounds. The Lawyer could not win him to accept of the Annuity till he had blotted out the Word Feast.   

Of a short Cloak.  
A Gentleman walking in Saint Paul's with a short Cloak that scarce reached to the skirts of his Doublet, a pleasant fellow came to him, and said, Sir you forgot to day to put on your Bases.   

Of no Lawyer is Heaven.  
THe Spaniards have a tale of a fellow who knocked at Heaven gates, and demanded entrance, which being denied him by Saint Peter; he than besought him he might have a Certificate that he had been there like a good Christian to demand entrance. Saint Peter told him he should have one presently. But after a long stay the Saint returned, and told him he must go back without one; for he had been clean through Heaven to seek a Lawyer to make him a Certificate, but could not find one.   

Of a fellow who gave his eldest Son to the Devil.  
AN old fellow being to swear in a cause, the Judge bade him beware he forswore not himself, and told him the penalty of Perjury in plain terms, not sticking to tell him that the Devil would have him if he forswore himself. To which the aged man answered that he had given the Devil his eldest Son already, and he hoped he would content himself with him. The Judge bidding him explain himself more clearly, he sticked not to say that he had made his eldest Son a Lawyer, and that he thought all of that profession went to the Devil.   

Of a foolish Constable.  
A Constable commanding two Gentlemen that past by his Watch at an unlawful time of night to come before him, he asked them whence they came, to which one of them replied that he was an Ass; O, said he, speaking to his Watch, are women or Christians? was ever the like heard of, that the King's Substitute should be called Ass? Beadle carry him away to the Counter. The Beadle departing with the Gentleman, his friend left behind told the Constable he had best be advised what he did, for he whom he had sent to prison was the Duke of Buckingams' kinsman. Whereat being amazed, and afraid, commanded a Watchman to fetch the Gentleman back, who being returned, he asked if he were a kin to the Duke, to which he answered affirmative. I pray you said the Constable, how near a kin are you? I am replied the Gentleman, cousin German quite removed. Are you indeed, said the Constable? I would not for a world have committed you, and I pray you to pardon my rashness.   

Of a posy for a Ring.  
A Gentlewoman whose name was Grace, desired a Poet her sweetheart to make her a Latin posy for a Ring, who instantly presented her with this. Cupio iuire Gratiam. The conceit in Latin is excellent, but cannot be Englisht.   

Of a posy for a Ring.  
A Fellow who was to marry a very handsome Wench, came to a Scholar, and earnestly entreated him to give him a posy for a Wedding Ring. The Scholar knowing his wife to be a very wanton, gave him for a posy the sixth Commandment, Thou shalt not commit Adultery.   

Of one that called the Pope Antichrist.  
A Distracted Schismatical fellow coming to Rome, and seeing the Pope, ride in pomp, cried out to him, Thou art the Antichrist; for which incivillitie he was forth with carried to the house of Inquisition, and the next day was conveyed thence to be burnt as an Heretic. When he came to the stake, and saw the combustible stuff prepared to burn him, he asked his Ghostly Father who endeavoured his conversion, whether or no, it were not yet too late to make his retractation; who answered, that the Pope's mercy had no limits, and offered (in case he was serious) to make a trial of the power he had with his Holiness. The Delinquent accepted of his courteous offer, and presently the Friar departed, and not long after returned with his conditionary pardon. He no sooner arrived, but the offender made a public recantation with great submission; whereat the Friar much wondering, asked why he did not retract his damnable opinions before? which had he done, he had saved himself from that public disgrace. To this he replied, that he was resolved to die till he saw the fire, which much terrified him; for said he, I came into the world a poor raw thing, and would be loath to go out r●sted.   

Of a Woman and her Daughters▪ ugly alike.  
A Merry companion passing under a window, by chance looked up, and espied three or four ugly Women looking out, and he presently made an inquiry who they were, and was told that they were one Mistress Fowler, and her Daughters, whereat he laughing said; their names are well fitted to their persons, they having degrees of deformity; for there are amongst them, fowler, and fowler, and fowler.   

Of Knights o'th' Post.  
A Country Clown complaining to one that his witnesses were not come up to the Term; a slander by told him, that he might find in the Temple Church Knights of the Post, who for money would swear any thing. He having hired two of these, and brought them into an open Court, the Judge asked him if he had brought good witnesses; yes that I have, replied the simple fellow; for they are both Knights, which his false witnesses no sooner heard, but they took a fair pair of heels; whereat he roared out like a Bull, and the judge commiserating his case and simplicity, gave him further time to bring in his witnesses.   

Of a Formal Fellow.  
A Formal fellow, being a professed lover of propriety of speech, was asked by one how old he was; to whom he answered: I am three and three score; and why, said the other, say you not threescore and three; because, said he, I was three before I was threescore.   

Of a Traveller.  
A Gentleman told his son he would send him to travel, to the end he might understand himself. The son in obedience to his command took his voyage; but returned far sooner than his Father intended he should have done. His Father demanding the reason of his so sudden return, he answered him thus. Sir, you sent me abroad only to understand myself, and that I already do; for I never understood any body else, since my departure; meaning that he had not learned one word of any foreign language.   

Of a witty Wench and her Lover.  
A Young Gentleman loved a beautiful, and witty Gentlewoman, but could not obtain her Parent's consent. Whereupon he being discontented went to travel, and from Venice wrote his Mistress a petionary letter, that in requital of his so constant love, she would vouchsafe to live yet seven years unmarried. To which earnest request of his she answered, that she must needs grant any petition coming from such a Suitor; but withal entreated him to believe that if she married sooner; nay, within a year, it must beimputed, to his absence, which made one year seem to her as long as seven.   

Of laying odds.  
TWo Gamesters contesting about a cast, one of them in great earnestness told the other he would lay his head against a calf's head on't, to which the other replied, he would not take that bet, but if he would lay him any odds he would hold him.   

Of a blind fellow playing upon a wheeled Cymbal.  
Certain Gentlemen being earnest at play in their In at Saint Albon, they heard a fellow playing on a Cymbal in the yard, and asked one of their fellows who had been below who it was that made that noise, to which he answered, that it was a blind fellow roasting Sellinger's round He played indeed that Dance, and wound his hand about as men usually do in the turning of a Spit.   

Of a long Nose.  
STrada reports that a fellow lived in his time whose nose was so long that he could not hear himself sneeze.   

Of a Gentleman, and a Shrieve of London.  
A Shrieve of London, who was a good fellow, and kept a brave table, invighted a Gentleman, to Supper. The ●entleman sent him many thanks by his man, & excused his not coming, alleging that the Shrieve used too much Maze with his meat, a Spice which of all other his Master loved not. The Shrieve being ingenious and apprehensive knew by this message that the Gentleman was in debt, and (having first discharged his Catchpoles) sent for him, and feasted him royally.   

Of a Silenced Minister, who spoke in the nose.  
ONe hearing a silenced Minister speak in the nose, asked his companion standing by the reason of it. Fool, said the other, how should he speak otherwise then in the nose, when the Bishop hath stopped his mouth?   

Of a Puritans kneeeling to the King's health.  
A Certain Major at his table began the King's health on his knee, on purpose to fetch a Puritan Alderman down on his. The Puritan, contrary to all men's expectation pledged it on both knees, and the Major demanding the reason why he kneeled on both knees, he answered, that he kneeled on one in honour of the King, and on the other to ask God forgiveness for so doing.   

Of a blind Man.  
DIvers Courtiers at Paris passing the new Bridge, espied a blind Man with the balls of his eyes so fair that they suspected he was a counterfeit. A Duke amongst them, being basely borne, told them he would make experiment of his truth, for said he, if he can see he must needs know me, he daily sitting here, and I daily passing by, and being a man of eminency. Whereupon he went directly to the beggar, and pulled him by the nose, whereat the beggar roared out, and called him bastardly rogve. My masters, said the Duke, he sees perfectly, he could ne'er have known me so well else. But the man indeed was blind, and this only a vicious speech often in his mouth.   

Of a Captain and his Hostess.  
AN oblivious Captain resident in Debelen, having forsaken the City for fear of the Plague, a week after his being in the Country, remembered that he had a hundred pound bag under his beds-head. Whereupon in post hast he returns back, and coming to his lodging finds, Lord have mercy on us, written on the door. After he had knocked a while, his Landlady looked out, whom he asked for his Bag. Noble Captain, said she, I pray you stay a while for your bag, for the child is dead in the bed where the bag lies. Tush, replied the Captain, I care not if the child had died in the bag, and therefore throw it me down, which she accordingly did.   

Of one demanding the way.  
A Gentleman riding on the way, and seeing a man standing at his door, asked him if he were in his ready way to Southampton. The fellow asked whence he came; Pish, said the Gentleman, what is it to thee whence I come; you say true, indeed, answered the fellow, it is nothing to me whence you come, nor whither you would, & with that whipped in, and shut the door upon the Gentleman, who else had curried his coat.   

Of an Usurer.  
TWo Gentlemen walking abroad to take the air, they espied an old Usurer a neighbour of theirs descending from a steep mountain. When they approached near him, one of them asked him where he had been, to whom he answered, that he had been on the top of that hill to breath himself. The other asked him why he came down? Why said the Usurer would you have had me stay there still? I marry would I, replied the other for thou wilt never come so near heaven a-againe I will warrant thee.   

Of a Doctor of the Civil Law created at Orleans in FRANCE.  
THere is an university at Orleans in France where any man may proceed Doctor for money though he be utterly void of learning. An ignorant Germane having invited (as the custom is) the Doctor of the Chair, and the chief of the university to supper. The Germane being in his cups asked the Doctor of the Chair if he would take money to make his horse Doctor too; to whom he answered, yes, for, said he, I may make a horse Doctor as well as an Ass, intimating the German himself.   

Of a madman.  
A Country man coming to London went to see Bedlam, where when he arrived he fell into discourse with a mad man, and amougst other questions demanded if he were married? no replied the lunatic I am not so mad yet.   

Of a fellow who had a shrew to his wife.  
THe spaniards have a tale of two fellows who came to Heaven gates to demand entrance upon their first knock. S. Peter came to the door and asked what they would have, to whom one of them answered that he desired entrance. Then S. Peter asked him if he had past Purgatory, to whom he answered no, but that he had a scolding wife who was to him a purgatory, nay Hell itself. Alas poor man said S. Peter. Enter in peace. The other that stood behind, and heard all their discourse, thought with himself that now he knew the way he would surely get in too. Wherefore he knocked, and when Saint Peter came, he asked this fellow as he did the other, whither or no he had past Purgatory, to whom the man answered negatively; but withal affirmed that he had been husband to three wives, the arrantest scolds the world could produce. A way, thou idle fellow, replied Saint Peter, here is no place for fools; implying that he should have taken warning by the first.   

Of the builder of Bedlam.  
SOme say the builder of Bedlam was a Lawyer, and gave out the reason of his so pious work to be, that as he had gotten his estate by madmen, so to mad men he would leave it.   

Of a fellow three times imprisoned for naming his profession.  
A Maker of Globes, Scales, and other Mathematical instruments, told me that he had been thrice committed by Constables for naming his profession. When the Constable called him before him, and asked his profession, he answered truly, he was a Mathematition; what, replied the Constable, doth he mock me? carry him to prison.   

Of a Suitor to a Widow.  
A Gentleman being a Suitor to a Widow, and having never a man, every time he went to her, hired one or other to wait on him, so that seldom the same man went with him twice. At length the Suitor being to go into the country, came to take his leave of his Mistress; after he had kissed her, she called to his man, and asked him his name; who answered it was John. Then John, said she, let me take my leave of thee too; for happily I may see thy Master again, but thee I shall never.   

A witty encounter between two.  
ONe complaining in a great assembly that he could not find a house or place to live in with a good prospect. One named Chambers standing by, said he could tell him of a house for his turn, but it was built of wood. The other ask him where it was, he made answer, at Tyburn. True, replied the other, that were a fine house indeed, but it wants Chambers.   

Of a most significant word.  
ONe being asked what was become of such a man, made answer he was conduced; the other demanded what he meant by that? he answered that he was hanged: being demanded what was become of another, he answered he was conduced too. What said the other, is he hanged; no replied he, he is drowned. Being asked what was become of a third, he answered he was conduced too. Whereupon the other much questioned him whether he were hanged or drowned, to which he answered; neither, but that he was married. In truth said the other, this conduced is a very significant word that stands in one place for hanging, in another for drowning, and in a third for matrimony.   

Of a Drunkard.  
A Gentleman being very drunk, came to sup at a friends house, and told him he came a mile on purpose to sup with him, to whom the other answered; that his obligation was infinite, in that he would vouchsafe to come to him before he was come to himself.   

Of an ugly Man, and a beautiful Woman.  
TWo Gentlemen standing together, a very beautiful Gentlewoman passed by; whereupon one of them said to the other; There goes the handsomest Woman I ever saw. She overhearing him turned back, and seeing him to be an ugly fellow said, Sir, I would in way of requital I could say as much by you; to whom he answered, so you may, and lie as I did.   

Of the same Mouns●ere.  
HAving one arm shorter than another, he commanded his Tailor to make him one sleeve shorter than the other, which he accordingly did, for which he beat him, saying to his servants standing by; I bade this R●gve make me one sleeve shorter than another, and he hath made one longer than another.   

Of a one eyed Fellow.  
A One eyed Fellow being newly married, and being assured by a friend of his that his wife had catcht a crack before he had her, one day called her to account, and told her she came not to him so perfect as she ought, to which she answered, neither did he come perfect to her, having but one eye, But I replied he, lost mine eye by mine enemy, and I, answered she, lost my Maidenhead with my friend.   

Of a Musician.  
DOctor Bull a fantastical man being Reader of the Music Lecture in Gresham College, and hearing in the night one cry out fire, with a loud and shrill voice, ran out and broke his pate, and the people ask why he did so, he answered, because he cried out of tune.   

Of two Beggars.  
TWo Beggars after long space meeting by chance, one of them asked the other how his Nephew Jack did. Jack? repli'ed he, the world is well mended with Jack since you saw him; for he hath gotten a staff, and a 〈◊〉, and begs for himself. How say you, said the other, I ever thought that boy would come to promotion.   

Of Lice.  
A Young Soldier complaining to an old, that he was much troubled with Lice, and that they bit him continually, the old blade said thus to him, we Soldiers have a present remedy for that; for as soon as we feel a lo●●● bite, we instantly turn our shirts and then he hath a days march before he can come to the skin again.   

Of Lice.  
A Beggar boy bemoaning himself to his father, that he was much tormented with Lice: the old man gave him this instruction. Sirrah, said he, when you feel a Louse sting, you must give but one shrug; whereas you always give two, the first of which lays him on his back, and the second casts him on his belly again.   

Of losing Ears.  
A Young resolute man sitting by others at play, asked an ancient Gamester if he should go half with him at a double vie, at In and In▪ to whom the other answered, No; for said he, should I lose your money, you would have me by the ears: I had thought replied the young man you had none; yes Sir, answered the old Cinquater, I have ears I thank God; I would wish you then, said the other to make much of them for many an honester ●an goes without.   

Of two Roarers.  
TWo Roarers drinking together in a Tavern, one of them began his Lord's health, whom the other hating▪ he in a scornful manner pledged it, and then began to the other a health to the Devil. He denying to pledge it, they fell together by the ears, and though Host of the house came in and parting them; demanded the cause, of the quarrel, and understanding it at large from them both, he told the Gentleman who refused to drink to the Devil, that he was in the fault, in that the other having pledged his Lord's health, he afterwards refused to pledge his Lord and Masters.   

Of an ugly Woman.  
A Gentleman Faulkner calling at a Farmer's door for some Pigeons, the man of the house past out by him with out speaking a word; and presently his ugly wife came to the door also, of whom (having first demanded Pigeons) he asked if that were her husband who came out but a little before: yes, answered she, for want of a better; He is good enough for thee, replied the other, were he worse.   

Of a Constable.  
A Constable called one before him, and asked him whither he was going, to which the other replied that he could not tell. With which answer the Constable being offended bad his Watch carry him to prison. I marry, said the fellow, now I know whither I am going indeed.   

Of a Constable.  
A Constable examining a drunken Captain what he made out of his lodging so late, and receiving from him a contemptible answer, sent him away to prison. The Captain entreated his guard to have him back to the Constable, promising to give him a submissive satisfaction. Wherewith they being moved, carried him back to their Master; whom he no sooner saw, but pretending to whisper to him, he took him by the ears; and pulling his head close to him, bit of the end of his nose. For this uncivil fact being carried to Jail, and the next day brought before the Justice, before whom the Constable showed a huge red bottle nose full of whelks. O cried the Captain to the Justice, It is punishment enough to have had that putrified nose in my mouth, & with that before them all laid up his stomach.   

Of a Soldier.  
A Gentleman on a certain night told a friend of his that he was to go over with Mans-field, a Cornet to a troop of Horse. The next night he came to him again, and told him he was to go the same voyage an Ancient of a Foot Company. Out upon't said his friend, thou art a mere Carrier, sometimes on horseback, sometimes on foot.   

Of a begging Soldier.  
A Soldier followed a Gentleman, and demanded an Alms in this manner. Noble Sir, I beseech you to look down upon the Image of God; I am a Man as you are, a Soldier by profession, and have both given wonnds, and received them. To whom the Gentleman thus answered. I will give you nothing; for you Soldiers have a custom to rail at those who deny you alms. The Soldier thus replied, It is not my custom, Noble Sir to do so, Well said the Gentleman, I will try you for once, and so went his way without giving him any thing; with which bitter jest the Soldier being nettled, reeviled him abundantly.   

Of a short Memory.  
MAny good fellows meeting in a Tavern to drink and be merry; one of the company refused to pledge a health, swearing by no small ones that he would leave off drinking, because it made him have a short memory; whereat another laughed, and swore he would drink on, in that it made him have a long Memory; for said he, since I played the good fellow I am a year in remembering that which before I called to mind presently.   

Of a Foole.  
A Natural Fool who served a Germane Emperor was commanded by his Lord to give the Duke of Saxon his hand, which the Fool forthwith did, but gave him his left; for which the Emperor rebuked him, and told him he must give the Duke his right hand: O fie, said the Fool, that were a shameless thing indeed, to give a mighty Prince that hand which I wipe my britch with every day.   

Of a Fellow having two Wives.  
A Soldier in the Netherlands having a Wife, and Children, & being very poor, gave them the slip and went into Pollo●ia; where it was his evil fortune in the street to kill the Major's son of the town where he was quartered; for which fact being condemned to die, A maid seeing him pass by her window to execution, fell in love with him, and demanded him in marriage, and laid claim to the custom of the Country that way. The Major could not deny her, and the Delinquent loved his life, and his new spouse too well to confess he had another wife elsewhere. Well, they lived a while very lovingly, and happily together; but at length the Soldier's Conscience began to accuse him of the wrong done his first Love: and he stole away from his second without taking leave, and away back into his Country he hasteth. She dear loving him had him in chase, and hearing still he was not far before her, arrived in the Low-countrieses not long after him: Where being come, she challenged him for her husband, and his first wife detaining him, they had a trial at Law whose he should be. The Lawyers who pleaded for his wife said, he was hers during life, True, said the Advocats for the second, but that life was forfeit by Law, & now he is ours: The Judge being at a stand to which of them he truly belonged, bade the Soldier take his choice. He looking on them with a loving eye, said he would have both. The Judge answered, he was not able to maintain them both, to which he thus replied. Sir, I always keep a maid, and they shall draw cuts who shall be my wife the first week, and she to whom the chance falls, shall have the other for her maid that week, and the other shall have her for her maid the next.   

Of a fellow in a Tempest.  
A Fellow and his Wife being at Sea, and a Tempest arising, the Master of the Ship commanded every man to cast over what he had heavy; whereupon the Fellow threw over his wife, swearing that nothing in this world lay so heavy upon him.   

Of a redheaded Host, and his more redheaded Guest.  
A Guest with a head and a beard fire red, gave to a redheaded Host twenty Crowns to keep, but he redemanded them within half an hour after, whom the Host asked the reason of his so sudden a coming for his money again; to whom he answered, that his red head was the cause: Why said the Host, your head is redder than mine; I marry, replied the other, that makes me judge of you by myself.   

Of a redheaded Chymney-Sweeper.  
A Redheaded Chymney-Sweeper having swept a Chimney from the very bottom to the top, thrust out his head into the open air, which the people underneath espying, cried out, fire fire: mistaking, as easily they might, the one for the other.   

Of one in danger of arresting.  
A Gentleman passing through St. Nicholas shambles, his cloak by chance caught hold of a Butcher's flesh-hooke, and he being in danger of Arrest, thinking it was a Sergeant that had him by the cloak, left it behind him, and ran away as hard as he could drive. The more the people cried to him to come back, the faster still he ran, suspecting it to be a mere trick of policy to catch him.   

An Epitaph upon on who died of the French-Poxe.  
HEre lies an old,  
and pocky Knave.  
Fit for a Dunghill,  
not a Grave.  
He did consist of Coughs,  
and Rheums:  
Of all Diseases,  
all bad Fumes.  
His flesh, the Pox,  
did surely waste it,  
'Cause the Worms,  
should never taste it.  
For 'twas so leprous,  
and so foul,  
That it infected,  
had a Soul;  
A Soul that without  
question 'tis,  
No body would have lodged▪  
but his:  
And now 'tis gone,  
and God knows whither,  
But God grant mine,  
may ne'er come thither.   

Of two Sects of Philosophers, the Hennists, and Eggists'.  
A Merry companion used in all companies where he came to mention of two Sects of Philosophers, the Hennists, and the Eggists'; the first of which held that the Hen was before the Egg, the latter, that the Egg was before the Hen. and I have heard him swear that in all places he found more Eggists' then Hennists.   

Of taking the Wall.  
TWo meeting in the street, one of them being foxed, bade the other give him the Wall, To whom the other thus replied; I have not been sober at this time of day these seven years, wherefore it is a wonder you find me so now: but to morrow, if you will meet me at the same hour I will be as drunk as you are now, and then you shall not have the wall, but for this time I give it you.   

Of Baboons.  
TWo Baboons being to be seen at a house by Fleet-bridge, many resorted thither, and some laughed at their ugliness, and the strange faces they made; whom a woman there present not without great anger, sharply thus rebuked. Do you well, think you to laugh at strangers, who understand not your language? If you were in their country, you would take it for a great abuse if they should laugh at you.   

Of a Glutton.  
A Glutton being at a feast, and devouring more than all the other guests joined together, one at the table marking his eager feeding, said to him; Sir, you have, God be thanked, a very good stomach, and I make no doubt but where ere you live you pay dearly for your food, and to ease you of that charge, if it shall please you to go home with me, I will give your diet for your dung.   

Of the Duke of Lerma.  
THe Duke of Lerma in Spain used still in way of Magnificency and State, when he washed before a meal, to give a Ring to him that held the Basin, and another to him that held the Ewer. One dinner amongst the rest, having on his finger a Diamond of great value, he made this public proposition, that he of that company who could make the saddest relation of his importunity in love should have the Ring. Whereupon a Gentleman there present took him at his offer, & thus begun. May it pleas your Grace to vuderstand that I a long time served two Mistresses, a fair, & a foul, a sweet Lady, and forlorn despair; for she whom I infinitely loved, hated me as much. At length being utterly voided of all hope of comfort, I gave myself wholly over to sorrow and solitude, who delivered me to a violent Favour, which (as the Physicians) told my friend could not end but by my death, my cruel fair one loving me (though for some ends she had long concealed that soft passion) and hearing to what weakness I was reduced, came to visit me, and smothering no longer her flame, professed how violently she affected me, and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to that extremity. No Cordial could so revive my Spirits, neither Julip so allay my unnatural heat, as did her mellifluous words. So that in a short time I recovered my strength; when her father hearing of our love, and vowed to cross it, locked her up from my sight, but finding, that do what he could, we privately conveyed messages to one another, he animated another suitor of hers to fight with me, knowing no hatred to equal that of a Rival. To be brief, we fought, and I killed him, and (the Law against Duels being severely executed) I fled my country, hoping in time my friends would procure my Pardon. And to make my misery complete, in my absence the Father of my Mistress, forced her by bitter usage to marry an old rotten Count his neighbour. Now if your Grace do judge my calamity can receive addition, and that my afflictions lay not claim to your Ring, as being the greatest humane nature can undergo, you may be pleased better to place it then on wtetched me. He had no sooner ended his speech, but another thus began. Great Prince, I must begin my mournful story where this Gentleman ends his. He receiving at once both a pardon for the murder, and a letter from his Mistress to make haste into her embraces, the Count her husband being gone a long journey, he desired me to associate him in this pleasing journey, and I willingly yielded to his invitation; At length we arrived at the old Count's Castle, where his Mistress met him with the same joy & gladness with which the Spring welcomes the Sun. Long did their Kisses interrupt their speech, which at length broke out into unfeigned protestations how much their past miseries had endeared each to other: When they had chatted their f●ll, to Supper we went, which finished a banquet succeeded for variety of taste, and loveliness of colour, second to none that ever ravished the palate or the eye. This ended, one comes in and rounds the Countess in the ear; whereat she changed colour, and cried out she was undone for ever, unless I did her that friendly office, which should engage her to me during life. To this I answered, I earnestly desired to receive that greatest Honour of dying in her service: whereupon she told me that the old Count her husband was come home, and newly gone to bed, being very weary, & expected her coming. Now Sir, said she, so it stands with me that I dare not trust any of my maids with a secret, because none of my house know of my servants being here but you and my fairest sister. May it please you therefore about an hour hence to put on one of my Coives, and one of my Smocks, and to go to bed to my husband, who I believe will be asleep before you come; if he be not, all he will do to you will be to struck your cheeks, and kiss you; for any other dalliance you need not fear him. Your Chin is smooth, and he will assuredly, not only take you for a woman, but for me. Thus shall I, and my dear servant owe the fruition of all loves delights to you alone. Well, I was not only attentive, but obedient to her request, and into the supposed bed of the old Count I went, where I was no sooner laid but I heard him breath, and felt him stir, and move towards me, whereat (my heart being oppressed with the fear of his loathsome touch) I shrunk half out of the bed, and so lay all night. Towards morning I prepared to be gone, when on a sudden my friend, and the Countess came dancing into the chamber he in his shirt, and she in her smock, my soul being at the instant divided between fear of being detected, and wonder at their daring, they came to the bed side, holding each of them a ●apour in their hand, & drawing the curtains, showed me the lamentable error I had lain in all night, in taking her beautiful Sister (the fairest of her sex) for the old Count her Husband. Truly worthy Prince, when with admiration I beheld her beauty! and considered the loss of such an opportunity, I could hardly refrain from laying violent hands on myself. For my friend, he obtained the wished end, of love; enjoying, but I was once unwittingly near possession of all those sweets: which now are more, and more remote from me, so that I must give myself wholly over into the Tyranny of restless desire, whose fierce flames will consume me to a cinder. His speech coming to a period, the Duke said, they both had deserved much, but the young Lady the Count's sister should have the Ring, because she was so near a good turn, and missed it. This sentence of his was applauded, not without laughter by all the company.   

Of a foolish Mounsiere.  
MOunsiere Vandosme of France desiring (as generally all of that Nation do) to drink his Wine cool, set his bottles in the bucket, and let them down into the well, and coming some few hours after to draw them up, espied his image in the water, whereupon he ran in for his sword, swearing that the Antipodes were drinking up his wine.   

Of the same Mounsiere.  
THE same Mounsiere bought him four ambling horses to make his Coach go easy.   

Of the same Mounsiere.  
He showing one day to a Gentleman a friend of his a pure water running from a cock, the Gentleman asked him from whence that water came; whereat he laughed extremely; and being demanded the reason of his immoderate laughter, he answered, This simple Gentleman asketh me whence this water comes, though he plainley sees it come out the hole of the cock.   

Of the same Mounsiere.  
He having new bread at his table, sent for his Baker, and beat him because he baked him not stale bread.   

Of a Poet.  
A Learned Poet being asked what difference there was between a water Poet, and a land Poet, answered, the same difference there is between a Scholar, and a Sculler.   

Of Poets in general.  
ONe complaining of the poverty of Poets, another of the company made this observation that when K. James came once to stamp his pieces with the Laurel, he fell two shillings in the pound; for before were the pieces of two and twenty shillings.   

Of Purgatory.  
THe Pope gave a Priest a silver basin, and endued it with this virtue that who ever dropped a French crown into it, or to that value his friend's soul should instantly upon the sound of it be delivered out of Purgatory. There was in the Town where the Priest dwelled a mad deboist young fellow whose Uncle had left him very rich. To him this Priest came, and offered him that for a french crown to free his Uncle's soul from Purgatory. The young fellow said it was a reasonable proposition, whereupon he presently took out a crown, and dropped it in his Basin, and withal asked the Priest if he thought his Uncle's soul was yet out of Purgatory, to whom the Priest answered, I upon my life I dare warrant it freed, which words he had no sooner said, but the young man took up his money again, and put it in his pocket, whereat the Priest being much displeased, said, If you take your money again your Uncle's soul will again enter Purgatory: Nay, answered the young fellow there is no fear of that, for if my Uncle be as obstinate an old knave dead as he was living, if he be once out all the Devils in hell cannot get him in again.   

Of an Offering at a Wedding.  
A Gentleman being invited to an offering, when he came to the Basin, offered a piece, and put it up again, to whom the Churchwarden said; Sir, you have given nothing; neither will I, replied the Gentleman, for I was not invited to a Giving, but a Offering.   

Of one who in a short time get a great estate by seven Wives.  
A Citizen of London being borne in Essex in the hundreds, a most unhealthful place, yet not to him, because he was bred up there, married a rich wife and carried her thither; who quickly there died. And finding this a speedy way to get an estate, married six more in the space of two years, and buried them all there.   

Of a Hare.  
KIng James loving Hunting extremely, went out in a great flood, though half despairing to find an Hare; 〈…〉 to him in post hast, and told him he had found, whereat the Kin●●●ughed, and said, in my 〈◊〉 thou hast found a 〈◊〉.   

Of Salads.  
ONe ask at a Lords table, who first▪ invented Salads, another answered that Nabuchadnezar (was the first; for he having a long time been a beast, and having ●ed on herbs, when he came to be a man again delighted still in the eating of Salads, which was his former food.   

Of drinking with herbs.  
A Fellow was so accustomed to drink Burnet, 〈◊〉, and Burage in his Wine all the Summer, that when Winter came, when he could procure no herbs, he could not drink without putting a green Ribben into the Glass.   

Of drinking with an Orange peel.  
ONe was so used to drink with an Orange peel squeezed through a candle, that when he could get none, he used to take sneezing powder, and sneezed through the light.   

Of a new Papist.  
A Young Gentleman being newly turned Papist, being invited to Supper had the leg of a Woodcock in his mouth, when on a sudden a scoffing fellow told him he did ill to eat flesh on that day, because it was Notinghame Fair eve. He having spit the piece of woodcock out of his mouth, thanked the other for his admonition, swearing he would not for a thousand pounds have eaten a bit of flesh that night.   

Of a Tailor's Bill.  
A Tailor who worked to an Usurer, yet stood bound to him for money, brought him an unreasonable Bill, for which he vowed to be revenged. The Bond wherein the Tailor was bound ●● the Usurer being due, the Tailor came to entreat further day, and that he might continue it upon the old Bond, to whom the Usurer said, Lord that you should entreat when you may command; whereupon the Tailor departed well contented holding his suit granted. But not long after he heard that the Usurer had sued him to an out-lary, wherewith being much incensed he came to the Usurer, and asked him why he had dealt so dishonestly by him, to whom he said, I did it only to show you the difference between a Tailors and a Lawyrs' bill.   

Of losing ears.  
ONe lying in prison (judged to lose his ears) was visited by certain friends of his 3 or 4 days before he was to suffer. The visitants fell into a dispute concerning the loss of ears one maintained that the excecutioner used to cut the ear off by the root, the other affirmed that he used only to cut off the tip, they grew so hot in this argument that they were like to fall together by the ears which the prisoner perceiving entreated them to be patient & told them he should be able within a seven-night himself to resolve the doubt   

Of a Soldier.  
AN old Soldier lying very sick, his Captain loving him well commanded four or five of his Company to wait on him, who knowing the sick man had always twenty pieces about him in a privy pocket to bury him, being vexed he died not quickly; agreed to coffin him, and to share his money. He being weak, and not able to resist, into the Coffin they put him, and away to Church they carry him, but by the way they met their Captain; who asked them whom they carried: when the sick fellow hearing his Captain's voice, cried out, Captain, Captain. The Captain hearing a voice he well knew come from the Coffin, he commanded them to set it down, and open it; which they had no sooner done, but the sick man said, Captain, these rogues would have buried me quick for my money. Whereupon the Captain laid them all by the heels.   

Of a Welshman.  
A Welshman, and an Englishman were cracking whose country had the most fruitful soil. The Englishman said there was a close in the Town where he was born, which bore so high grass, that if a man threw a cudgel into it overnight, it would be so hidden with grass that he should hardly find it the next day. Tush, said the Welshman, there is a close in the Town where I was borne, into which if you put your horse overnight, you shall hardly find him in the morning.   

Of one who feared arresting.  
A Gentleman who feared arresting lay with a Tapster in a beere-sellar four or five nights, whither he invited a friend of his, who 〈◊〉 him bitterly for lodging in so base a place, to which reprehension he thus answered, My Creditor's have vowed they will have me if I be above ground, which made me get me under ground, thinking myself here secure.   

Of three Universities.  
THe Orator to the University of Cambridge in a public Oration (praising a great Lords learning) said he was a walking Academy; and to this land a third University. Whereupon a wag of the same College with the Orator made this.  
As there are three blue ●ea●e●  
in a blue bladder,  
As there are thrice three rounds  
in a long ladder,  
As there are three ●ookes  
in a corner cap,  
And three corners,  
and one in a map,  
Even so, like all these,  
there are three Universities.   

Of a Play.  
THe University of Oxford at a great entertainment they made Queen Elizabeth presented her Majesty with a Comedy wherein were represented the four Elements. It happened that in acting, he who played Fire was out; whereupon he who acted Water called to Air, and said, Aire, help Fire; for he is out.   

Of Frigidity.  
A Modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her mother to accuse her husband of Frigidity, making her appearance in the Court, desired the Judge she might have the privilege to write her mind, in that shame forbade her by Tongue to express some passa●●s she was to deliver. The Judge having granted her request, A Clerk forthwith presented her with Pen, Ink, and Paper. Whereupon she took the Pen (without dipping it in the Ink) and made as if she would write; to whom the Clerk said, Mistress, there is no Ink in your Pen. Sir, replied she, that is my case just, and therefore I need explain myself no further.   

Of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 shipwreck.  
A foolish fellow who had never been at Sea before, happened to be in a g●●●● storm, in which having 〈◊〉 a long time, at length by the violence of the wind they were driven on sho●● 〈…〉 this fool rejoicing 〈…〉 courage, my Masters, I thank God we are now on ground.   

Of a young Seaman.  
A Young Seaman being at Sea in rough weather, and being extreme sick told the Master of the Ship wherein he passed that if he would not hold the Ship still while he spewed he would not pay him a penny for his passage.   

Of 〈…〉.  
SIr 〈…〉 came to a Widdowe● house in the Country to whom she presented 〈…〉 and 〈…〉 Cup of the same Beer, and said, Sir, I dare not commend the Beer to you; for, indeed, it is dead: to which Sir Josllin replied, it may very well be; for it was very weak when I was here last.   

Of a Disputation between a Protestant and a Papist.  
BE●● a learned Protestant disputing, by Henry the fo●rth● co●●and in a Church with a great Bishop concerning Images, the Bishop, pointing to the Images in the windows, said to him. Beza, Beza, these windows dispute against thee, to which Beza 〈◊〉, Great Sir, your argument brittle as the glass, and soon broken.   

Of Healths.  
A Dutch Ambassador to a Protestant Prince of Germany passed through Geneva, and invited to Supper all the Professors of Learning, and the best of the town. But above all he applied himself to Beza, as being a man famous for his brave parts. Being set at Supper he began in a great guilt Bole of Wine▪ a Health to his Prince, and chose Beza for his pledger; who answered, he would do him reason. The Ambassador drank all off, but when it came to Beza▪ he only sipped, and set by the 〈◊〉 Whereat the Ambssador being incensed said, Sir, you under-vallue my Prince, and do me wrong, in that you promised to pledge me, which Beza denying why, said the Ambassador, did not you promise to do me reason? I did so, replied Beza, but there is a distinction, I see, to be made between your doing reason, and mine, for yours lies in the bottom, and mine in the brim.   

Of one in a storm.  
A Master of a ship being in danger of shipwreck fell down before the Image of our blessed Lady, and said, Oh holy Virgin, deliver me safe out of this storm, and I will place a wax candle before thy Altar shall be as big as the mast of my ship. Well he landed safe, and many weeks passed, but in all that time he spoke not a word of the candle, which his Boson observing, said Master, where is the candle as big as the mast of your ship, that you promised to place before our blessed Lady's Altar? O, said the Master, the case is altered, I am on land, I will make her be content with a little one now. This verifies the Italian proverb; The evil being past, the Saint is despised.   

Of a Sea Captain, and an Usurer.  
A Sea Captain desired to borrow money of an Usurer, who asked him whether he were a land or a Sea Captain, to which he answered that he ever employed himself in Sea-service. Whereupon the Usurer entreated to be excused if he lent him no money; for you, quoth he, who can confine yourself a whole year to the narrow compass of a ship, will think yourself at liberty when you are in a large prison.   

Of two who went to see two plays.  
TWo Gentlemen went to see Pericles acted, and one of them was moved with the calamities of that Prince that he wept, whereat the other laughed extremely, Not long after the same couple went to see the Major of Qinborough, when he who jeered the other at Pericles now wept himself, to whom the other laughing, said, what the Devil should there be in this merry play to make a man weep. O, replied the other, who can hold from weeping to see a Magistrate so abused?  
The Jest will take those who have seen these two plays.   

Of household stuff.  
I heard once on the Bankside a fellow cry, household stuff, Six pence a peck, Six pence a peck, whereat I marvelling, asked the Crier, what household stuff it might be that was sold by the peck? to which he replied they were broken iron of diverse sorts, as Keys, Snuffers, locks; etc.   

Of a Gentleman Arrested.  
A Gentleman being arrested and carried to a Tavern, that he might send for Bail, he called for wine and sugar, and having drunk three or four glasses a piece, he swore all the oaths of God that he had mingled mercury with the sugar, and that both he & they were poisoned. Wherewith they being frighted ran to the Apothecaries for an Antidote, while this lying cheat escaped.   

Of two Brothers.  
TWo Brothers of the Ins of Court had spent and pawned so long that they had but one ●ute between them, so that they went abroad by ●ur●s Their father coming to town came about three in the afternoon to their chamber, and finding one of them a bed lashed him well favoredly with his wand, and bade him rise, but he lay still, whereat his father wondering asked him why he did not rise, to whom he answered that if he did rise his Brother must come to bed; for they had but one suit between them, at which reply of his the Father chafed and laughed by fits.   

Of a octour that disputed by Signs.  
A Certain Emperor having condemned one of the Priuces of his blood to die for Treason, yet set out a proclamation that if any man could be found who within a month could dispute with a Doctor of his by signs, so that the said Doctor could discover his meaning that then the condemned Prince should be acquitted. A poor foolish Groom of this distressed Prince, undertook the task, and being brought into the presence of the Emperor, & his nobles he called for this famous Doctor; who no sooner appeared but he held forth to this sot one finger, the fool held up two to him, and he again three to the fool, than the fool shut his fist, whereat the Doctor amazed told the Emporor he had met at length with the only learned man of the world▪ for▪ said he, I held upon finger, which signified God the Father, than he held up two which Signified GOD the Father, and GOD the Son, than I held up three to signify GOD the Father, GOD the Son, and GOD the holy Ghost, at which he shut his fist, as much as to say, they are alone. When the fool came back to his Lord he was asked by him in private his interpretation of the signs, to whom he thus answered. The whoreson Doctor made one horn at me; I made two at him, than he made three at me, at which I knit my fist; for if he had made another at me I would have taken him such a souse that I would have made his head ring noon.   

Of two Drunkards.  
A Fellow being so drunk that he was fain to be carried on men's shoulders by chance espied two leading home another Drunkard, when bursting out into a great passion, he said, O Jesus, is it not a shame, that men should be so Drunk as to be led: the beast not knowing that he himself was carried.