A New Book of Mistakes.  
OR, Bulls with Tales, and Bulls without Tales.  
But no lies by any means.  
Printed at London by N. O. 1637.   

To the Reader.  
GEntlemen, and Readers, of what Humour or Condition soever; there are diverse sorts of Language, to which custom bath given sundry ●ames: There be Quips, Taunts, Retorts, Flouts, Frumps, Mocks, Gibes, Jests, Jeers, etc. some tart, some pleasant; some sportive, and harmless, others galling, and bitter, and all (for the most part) tasting as they are taken: There are moreover, other simple mistakes in speech, which pass under the name of Bulls; but if any man shall demand of me; why they be so called, I must only put them off with this Woman's reason, they are so, because they be so: Now for these here related, they claim no Kindred from the black Bull in Bishopsgate street, who is still l●o●ing towards Shoreditch, to see if he can spy the Carriers coming up from Cambridge; nor from the branded Bull at St. Albon, who would tell all Travellers, if he could speak, There you may have Horse-meat, and Man's meat for your Money; nor from the White Bull at the Bear-garden, who tosseth up Dogs like Tennis-balls, and catching them again upon his Horns, makes them to garter their Legs with their own Guts; nor from the Red Bull in Saint John's street, who for the present (alack the while) is not suffered to carry the Flag in the main-top; neither have they any Alliance e●ther to Cow-crosse, or Cow-lane: But these are such as have Teeth, and bite not; and Horns, yet butt not.  
Those Bulls that have Tails, wear ●hem only to defend them from the Breeze, and with no worse purpose, than Gentlewomen use their Fans, or Butcher's Wives their Fly●flaps; and those which have no Tails, can neither cast dust, nor dirt in any man's Face and Eyes.  
Courteous Readers accept them (such a● they be) in good part, lest censuring them with too supercilious a brow, some or other may say of thee, thou lookest as big upon them, as if thou hadst eaten Bull-beefe. Vale.   

Bulls with Tales, and Bulls without Tales.  

Of an Usurer, and a debauched gallant.  
A Penurious Fellow, who lived altogether upon Usury, pinching both back and belly to serve himself, and enrich others, came into an house where Pudding-pyes, and such like commodities were to be sold, and to make a saving Dinner, called for a Can of six-shillings Beer, and a Pudding-pie, (for by that his good Husbandry he intended to save Bread) a young Gallant without money, and yet not wanting a good stomach, coming into the house, and observing him to sit in one of the common rooms, saluted him, and asked him how he did? His answer to him again was, Very well, I thank you Sir, but indeed I know you not: the Gentleman replied u●to him, therefore Sir, I am desirous to drink unto you, upon our better acquaintance, and withal ●ooke up the Can of Beer which then stood ●efore him, and drank it ●uper naculum; which the other observing, looked something blankely upon ●im, and desired him to ●ell him his Name, which ●he young man did: to ●hom he replied, and said, ●our Name I very well remember; for one so called, once cheated me of a ●ood Gelding, for which 〈◊〉 could have hanged him: ●ow saith the Gallant●●id●t thou know that Gentleman? I can assure thee, he was of mine acquaintance, and cared no more for the stealing of an horse, than I do for the eating of this Pudding-pie, which said, he ●●a●cht 〈◊〉 up, ●ate it, and ●eft the Usurer (hungry as he was) to pay for his breakfast.   

Of a Puritan and his friend eating of a Pudding.  
A Puritan and his friend coming to a victualling house to break their Fast● concluded betwixt themselves to have a black● Pudding, which was accordingly provided, an● brought with Bread and Beer, to accomade it up to the Table smoking: which as soon as the Puritan saw, he clapped his Hat before his face, and lifting up his eyes, began (as their custom is) a very long and tedious Grace, praying against black sins, blue sianes, red, green, yellow, tawny, and indeed, all kind of coloured sins; but in the interim, whilst he was at his prayer, the other had eat up the Breakfast: who, after he had uncovered his eyes, and seeing what was done, looking somewhat heavily and hungerly upon the business, demanded of his friend, why he had taken that advantage, to serve him so an ●n neighbourly a tricke● who again, made him this short Answer, Truly I ho●d it fitting, that from henceforth you either provide yourself of a shorter Grace, or of a longer Pudding.   

Of a great Statesman, and a Cardinal.  
A ●reat man, (and though it be not common) yet witty withal, travelling into the Country, in his second day's journey came to a thick and shadowy Wood, or Forest, to which the entrance was something narrow, and being about some Italian League, (which is an English Mile in length) he wondered, that being in so ●erene and clear a day, that all that time he was shadowed from the sight of the Sun: But his journey being over, and some ten years after riding the same way, when he came to the same place which he had before so seriously observed, and missing all those goodly trees, he called to his Caroch-man, and some of his servants, and told them, that doubtless they were out of their way: but they affirming the contrary, and ask his Lordship what should be the reason of his error, marry saith he, because, when I came this way last, I saw a goodly and brave Forest, with many Trees growing here, and now I spy not one: To whom one of his Gentlemen replied, that true it was, but since the Cardinal or Bishop had cut them all down, and having occasion to use money, had sold them for Timber: who answered him again, it could be no other than a Churchman's work, I acknowledge him for a great scholar; for this was a dark place, and he hath now explained it.   

Of a Grazier and a young Scholar.  
A Rich Grazier driving two fair and fat Oxen before him towards t●e market, led his horse down an hill; (as having for his better ease alighted) at the foot of which he met with a young Scholar, who expressed his poverty in his thin and threadbare habit, who desired of him some small piece of money to relieve him in that his present necessity: The Grazier, whose name was Gualther, casting a commiserating eye upon him, and having been in his youth a pretty Grammar scholar, thought to prove him whether he were a counterfeit or no, told him, that before he should taste any fruits of his Charity, h●e would make try all of his learning, which the poor Scholar desired him to do: Then, saith Gualther, I will begin a Latin verse, which if thou ca●●t, instantly and without pause, make a perfect and true Hexameter, or heroic verse, I will give thee this yoke of Oxen, which ●hou seest I drive before me, to make thy best of them: To which the young man willingly assented, as being wondrous glad of the motion: When the Grazier putting his foot into the stirrup to get upon his horse, said, thus than I begin my verse: Nunc scandit Gualther; to whom ●he young lad suddenly replied, Meus est Bos unus & alter: Which speedy ●nd witty answer, when ●he Grazier heard, he putting his hand into his ●ouch drew out a French Crown, and cast it unto ●im, and said, gramercy Scholar, drink that for my sake, which I freely give thee to release me of my bargain.   

Of one Parkins a boon Companion in Essex who died of the rising of the Lights.  

Poor Parkins, now percust here lie●,  
Light hearted, till his Lights did rise.  
Lights of the Body, are the Bellowes,  
And he, one of the best goo● fellows  
That Essex yielded, (all we● kn●w)  
And breathed, till they did cease to blow.    

Of a rich Bachelor, who by no means could be persuaded to marry: and h●s Foole.  
A Great rich man, and of a good family, who altogether affected a single life, kept a fool, and made him as familiar with him, as if he had been his sole Mistress; for he seemed to take delight in no woman's company at all: yet it so happened, that one of his servants (whom he used to employ in the like offices) had conveyed a pretty woman privately into his Chamber● and so closely, that none of his family took the least notice thereof, these two lay very lovingly together, and being in the Summertime, and the weather hot, tossing the clothes very carelessly, fell fast asleep towards the morning: when the Fool (as his custom was) coming towards his master's chamber to give him an early visit, and finding the door left only by a negligent la●ch, he entered, and casting his eyes towards the lower end of the bed, spied four bare legs, at which being amazed, and not looking so high as up to the pillows, he ran down hastily, and called all the people of the house together, and told them, he would show them such a wonder as their eyes had never beheld till then: they de●irous to understand the novelty, grew very importunate to know what it was; who replied, marry I will tell you, my Master and yours, whom we all saw go towards bed but with two legs, hath since yesternight got four legs, and withal bid them go up and see. They not suspecting any thing, (in regard they knew him to be a Bachelor) followed him up close into the Room to be spectators of the prodigy; to whom the Fool said, look you here, (my Masters') and see if I lye● who well perceiving what the business was, went down blushing, and some of them whispering amongst themselves, in regard the ●oore was left so carelesly● said, they knew not w●ich was the greater Fool, the Idiot, or their Master.   

Of an House that should f●ll.  
ONe coming with a very pleasant countenance into the company where his friends were merrily drinking, one of them said unto him, you are very welcome, and the rather, because you look so cheerfully upon us: who again replied; marry I thank God, & I have re●son; why what is the news ●aith he: the other answered again; I married an Orphan, and came but now from the Court of Aldermen, and they have promised me the next ho●se that falls: O but said another; if your case were mine, I had rather they had promised to me the next unto it that stands.   

Of Watermen's Hall.  
ONe would not believe that the society of the Watermens had any Hall; to whom another who was friend unto him replied, Truly Sir they have, and the better to resolve you, I went this day to Westminster in a pair of Oars, and the one of them told me he was this year chie●e Churchwarden of the Company.   

A mistake in the Senses.  
TWo friends meeting in the street, one demanded of the other from whence he came? who replied again: From a place, where I have spent my time better than you have done in any other this two days: and where was that said he? marry saith he in the Church, where I have been to see a Sermon.   

Another in the like kind.  
ANother coming from a place where a great Tumult and clamour had been, being demanded by a friend of his, from whenc● he then came? whence said he? I protest from a place where I saw such a loud and horrible noise, which hath so deafr me, that I am scarce able to hear what you now speak.   

A Verse in Virgil thus construed.  
Silvestrem tenni Musam meditaris avena.  
MEditaris, id est, Thou well remembrest● te●ui, that I once had, Musam ●ilvestrem, 〈◊〉 Country Wench, avena, upon an oaten sheaf.   

Another Verse as simply construed.  
A Schoolmaster in the Country, put one of his young Scholars new ●ntred into his Grammar, to construe this Ver●e: Est modus in rebus, sunt certi denique fines: And withal bid hi● to do it suddenly: The Boy ta●es the Book● in his hand, and instantly made this Construction: Est m●dus in rebus, There is mud in the Rivers, sunt certi denique fines, and certain other little Fishes.   

Of a Captain, and his Godson.  
A Captain, who could neither write, nor read, amongst other of his Friends, came to give a visit to one of his Gossips, to whose child he had been wit●esse, and found him to be a pretty Lad betwixt two and three years of age, who, after he had made much of the child, asked her, if she did not intend to bring him up to be a Scholar? To whom she answered, O, yes by all means; for sh●e kept him a● School, and he took his Learning very prettily: at whi●h the Captain seemed to be much pleased, and so after some ●ind congra●ula●ions, parted; he promising within few days to see her again, which he accordingly did, and brought with him a Friend o● his, one of his Fellow-soldiers: After salutation, ●alling into discourse, the Lad came from Schoole● upon which the Captain took occa●ion to commend him to his friend, and tell him what a hopeful Scholar he was like to prove: Nay (saith he) to make my words good, come hither my pretty child, and let me hear thee say thy Lesson which thou ha●t learned to day, and withal took him betwixt his legs, and with the Fescue pointed him to the Letters in his Hornbook, and began thus, What Letter is this? T, saith the Boy, and what Letter is this? H saith he, and what Letter is this? A saith the Child, and what this? T saith the Lad, very good saith the Captain; and what spells THAT? From saith the Boy: well spelled my ●rave Lad said the Captain; if thou provest not 〈◊〉 Scholar indeed, I'll not ●eleeve there is a Scholar ●n Christendom.   

Of a jakes-farmer working in the night.  
Certain o● those people, whom for modesty's sake, we call Goldfinders, being empting of an house of office, and their Carts, with their stinking Tubs, blocking the Streets, some Gentlemen, not ●ble to endure the smell, and were to pass that way flung their cloaks over their faces, which one of them observing, said, If you would always keep your tailor shut, you should not now have occasion to stop your noses.   

Of two Women scolding.  
TWo Women bitterly scolding, saith the one unto the other, thou liest worse than a Whore, or a Thief; to whom the second replied, and thou liest worse than he that made the last Almanac.   

Of an ignorant Scholar.  
A Young Scholar, whom his father sent unto the University, before he could construe good Latin, spending his hours more in his pleasure, than at his Book, having wasted all his allowance before the Quarter-day, and being quite destitute both of money or credit, not knowing any other means to draw Coin out of his Father's coffers, writ him a Letter under his own hand, to certify him that himself was dead, and desired him to send him up money to pay for his Funeral.   

Of Bulls and Cowes.  
ONE, whose House stood near to the fields, where cattle were wont to graze, hearing some of them to clamour aloud a●ter their kind, before a storm, or a tempest, s●id ●●to his Neighbour, indeed yo● scarce believe wh●●●omfort and pleasure I ●a●e i● the night, when I ●ee ●he Kine to low so loud, and the Bulls to bellow.   

Of a young Deacon, the first time he came into the Pulpit.  
A Young Scholar having newly taken Orders, thought the better to embolden himself to practise first amongst the Clowns in the Country, and had prepared himself to that purpose: and coming into a plain Parish-Church, desired that he might give them a Sermon, for which he had not only leave, but many thanks; and coming into the Pulpit, having never been in the like place before, seeing such a multitude of Rustics about him, he was so much abashed and daunted, (his memory failing him) that he could not proceed one word further; when making a necessitous pau●e, and not knowing how to com● off with credit, he suddenly bethought himself, and s●uffling with his Nose, said, Dear beloved brothers, I would willingly proceed in my Sermon, but I smell such a strong sent of Fire, t●at indeed, it is ready to stifle me: which he had no sooner spoken, but every of them (making it his own case) not knowing in whose House, or Barn it might happen, all of them ran tumultuously out of the Church to quench it; which he seeing, came quietly down out of the Pulpit, and so by that means alone saved his credit.   

A Word simply and ignorantly mistaken.  
IT happened that an upper ground, whose foundation was seated upon Sand, either by the washing of the rain, or continuance of time the foundation grew so unstable, that the weight of the higher ●arth moved by degrees, & quite covered the lower; which happened in a part of the County of Hereford, the strangeness and novelty thereof being related unto one that had been an eye-witness thereof, one that stood by, instantly replied, sir, indeed you speak of a wonder, for in all my time, I never heard of such an Inundation of earth before.   

Of a● mad fellow in the Country, who paid a Reckoning to his Hostess with a Song.  
A Pleasant, or rather a cheating fellow in the Country, willing to eat, and having at that time no money in his purse, came to a Victualling house, and asked his Hostess, what she could provide for his Breakfasts who told him such, and such things, and named them all● who bade her provide what he found best agreeing with his stomach; which with all possible speed was prepared, and set before him: he feeding upon them to his full safety, put up his kni●e, and withal, demanded of he● what he had to pay, who presently brought him an honest and conscionable reckoning, of which he seemed well to approve; but asked her withal, if she would take a Song for her money: to whom she gave a modest answer, ●hat she would, so he would si●g such a one as might satisfy and content her: Sayest thou so Host●sse, quoth he, gramercy for that, and song first one, and then another, and asked her how she liked this, and how that, but none of them all would please her: at length putting his hand into his pocket, he draws out his purse, in which was no better coin than plain Counters, and shaking it in his hand, began to sing aloud to this purpose.  

The Song.  

WHat course shall I take,  
Due payment to make  
For all this good meat I have eaten?  
To have boiled and roast,  
And all of free cost,  
I worthy were then to be beaten.  
Come forth then I say,  
My Coin to defray,  
(That never hath yet been for●poken)  
Lay down to an hair,  
For all thy●good fare,  
And bate not thine hostess a token.     

And withal began to open his purse, and asked her, how that Song pleased her? who answered him, very well, for now he sung to the purpose: Then Hostess saith he, fare yo● well, you are paid you● reckoning.   

Of Women going down by Water to Brainford.  
DIvers honest, and substantial women went to make merry at Brainford with their Husband's leave; and amongst the rest a Vintner's wife, who was honest, but a plain and simple man; a familiar friend of his coming into the Kitchen, and missing his wife, asked him where she was● who replied, that she was gone a gossiping to Brainford with such a man's wife, and such an ones (all which his neighbour well knew) and they must needs go by water too: (saith he) but to learn them more wit hereafter, I could wish they might all be drowned, so they might have no harm.   

Of the same Vintner's Wife.  
THe sa●e woman was very famous in the place where she lived for ma●ing of dainty Marrowbone Puddings, at which indeed she had scarce her fellow in the City; and they two betwixt them had got a very fair estate: Being in very earnest discourse with a neighbour of his, they fell into talk about their means that God had bl●st them wi●h: saith this neighbour to him, you by your industry have got a fair and competent estate; he answered him again, yes indeed I have, and whatsoever I possess●, is co●e unto ●e● by the grace of God: which his wife coming by, and hearing, made reply, come, come saith she, you ta●ke that what you have got came by the grace of God, bu● I know what I know, I am sure it came by my making of Puddings.   

Of a Tradse man that was a Goodfellow.  
IT was the Phrase of a good fellow that I knew, and frequent in his mouth, whensoever he came into any Alehouse or Tavern, come, come, call in for the other pot or quart; a groat is ●oone got, but long in spending.   

A witty answer of a civil Gentlewoman.  
A Modest Matron sitting at door in a Summer evening, a Ruffinly Gallant came unto her, and asked her bluntly, if she nev●r had been a Whore● to whom she suddenly replied, indeed sir never but once, and that was when a Ruffinly young Gallant like yourself, she being then my companion, begat you of your mother.   

Of a cheating fellow and his Hostess.  
A Mad fellow, which had no money, travelling by the way, called in at an Alehouse for a deeps reckoning, but when it came to be paid, he made ●o long a pause, that his Hostess desired to see i● discharged, for she had other guests to look to● but he desired her to stay, and still, the more she importuned him, his answers was, Good Hostess stays well saith she, stay me no stays, either lay me my money down, or I'll presently go fetch the Constable; and withal stepped out of the door into the street: he followed her close, and began to tak● him to his heels; which she perceiving, cried after him, Stay fellow, stay fellow; to whom looking back, he replied, by no means good Hostess' thou wouldst not stay for me, and now will not I stay for thee.   

Of one Banes, a Scholar in Westminster.  
ONe Banes, a witty Lad of Westminster School, having committed some fault or other, was to be whipped: now the Master (whilst h●e stood bare to his mercy) knowing him to be ingenious, lifting up his Arm, with a smarting Rod in his hand, said, I ask the Banes of Matrimony betwixt the Rod in my hand, and the bare breech before me, if any one can show any reason, why these two may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now, or never, for this is the last time of their ask; and withal being ready to strike, the Boy cast his head back, and ●aid, Marry I forbid the Banes: The Schoolmaster replied, but sirrah, you must show me some reason why● who answered him, Because Sir, upon my knowledge the parties are not agreed: for which witty answer he was for that time pardoned.   

Of two Neighbours travelling by water.  
TWo Friends travelling by Water, and the Winds being somewhat high, and the billows rough, though they were both very fearful, yet one of them seeming more timorous than the other, his Neighbour began to cheer him up, and said, Doubt nothing Friend, but be of good comfort; for God is as strong by Land, as he is by Water.   

A Question about a great, or small number.  
A Witty conceited Gentleman meeting with a plain Country-fellow, after some other discourse, thinking to sport himself with his simplicity, began to question with him about Arithmetic, and ●mongst other interrogatories, he asked him, whether he thought three or ●oure to be a small num●er or a great● to whom ●he plain fellow replied, ●hat he thought them to ●ee but a small number: how ●aith the Gentleman? ●hen I put this further question unto thee: if thou hadst three or four wives ●o keep and maintain, wouldst not thou think ●hem to be a great num●er? yes truly; (answered ●e) for to speak my conscience, having but one, I have enough, and too much of her, and therefore three or four are a great number indeed: How? (replied the Gentleman) but say thou hadst but three or four hairs upon thy head, wouldst thou not think them to be but a very small number? at which the poor fellow grew blank, and was not able to make him any further answer.   

Of a young Gentleman that married a crooked maid.  
A Gentleman of good quality, and 〈◊〉 prop●● man withal, married with a Gentlewoman of a great dower, but sheew as very crooked, a friend of his coming to visit hi●, and observing upon what manner of creature he had bestowed himself, taking him aside, after some other discourse, demanded o● him, why he, being so handsome a Gentleman, and in his prime of youth, could match himself to a woman so mishapen? who smiling, replied; friend, if thou hadst sent me a piece of gold out of the country, and bowed it for a token, it being weight, should I have despised it, and sent it back again to thee, because it was somewhat bend and crooked●   

Sundry mistakes spoken publicly upon t●e Stage.  
IN the Play of Richard the third; the Duke of Buckingham being betrayed by his servant Banister, a M●ssenger coming hastily into the presence of the King, to bring him word of the Duke's surprisal, Richard ask him what newest he replied: 
My Liege, the Duke of Banister is ta'en,  
And B●ckingham is come for his reward.    

A like to the forme●.  
ANother in the Play of Edward the second; though being often taxed of the error, yet could never deliver one line otherwise, than thus: 
Like to the harmless  
Lamb, or sucking Dove.    

A third.  
A Third making a Proclamation, in the stead of fifty foot, commanded that no man, upon pai●e of death, should come within fifty Miles of the place of Execution.   

A fourth.  
ANother made this comparison.  
Like to so many Cannons shot from Bullets.   

A fifth.  
ANother bringing word from the General, that the Soldiers should sink all their boats, and begun; told them, that they must boar their holes full of Boats, and instantly march away.   

A Man of a low stature.  
ONe that was of a very low stature, and being often jeered for that: One time above the rest, it being cast upon him, he said, you talk of Dwarves, and the like; but I protest, I was the other day in company with three or four of my acquaintance, when (no man being so high as I) I was the tallest man amongst them.   

Of a Soldier's wife in the time of Auri●olar Confession.  
A Soldier having a cursed ●hrew to his wife, and very untractable, yet pretending to be very religious, used ●o go often to Confession: but still when she kneeled before her Ghostly Father, in stead of ripping up her own sins, she troubled his ears, with telling him what a bad man she had to her husband, and spared not to brand him with the worst things that either ●e could possibly do, or she could imagine to be done: The Confessor meeting with him by chance, gave him a gentle admonishment, persuading a Comingall Atonement betwixt them, and told him how necessary it was for his soul's health, to have a perfect & an unfeigned reconcilement made, that they might live in peace and unity; and to that purpose told him how needful it was, that he should also come oftener to Confession, which he had before so much neglected. These words seemed to take great impression in him, insomuch, that he appointed him a certain time for that purpose, and kept his word accordingly; & being upon his knees, his Confessor having given him a serious exhortation, to confess all those sins whatsoever he had committed, that he might be absolved of them: he made him answer, that it was altogether needless, and to no purpose● for whatsoever I have done, nay more than ever I had a thought to do, my wife hath confessed unto you before hand: and so left him.   

Of one that bought an Horse in Smithfield.  
A Gentleman cheapened an Horse in Smithfield, and agreed for the price, which was Ten pound: but coming to pay down the Money, he had but eight Pieces about him; but said to him that sold him, here is so much money in hand, and I will remain Debtor unto you for the rest; who seeing him to be a man of fashions and having enquired his name, and residence, did accept thereof, and so for that time they parted. The next day he found him out at his Lodging, and demanding the Two Pieces which he left unpaid, he answered, that he did him great wrong to claim any such Sum, for it was contrary to their bargain: I pray Sir saith the other, how can you make that good● Marry thus said the Gentleman: Ten Pieces were the price for your Horse, Eight I paid you down in hand, and promised you to be your Debtor for the rest, and so I am●, and will remain still; for otherwise I should break both my word, and bargain.   

A Prophecy of the Year ensuing.  
THere is like to be such a defect in the Nobility, that even Rustics, if they be rich, will strive to become Noble, and such a penury among the jews, that many, nay, too many Christians shall turn Usurers: One Day shall be longer, and one Night shorter than another: Men shall be more glad to receive Money, than to pay it: Some shall rather de●ire to ride, than to go on foot; he that cannot compass Wine, shall be glad to drink Ale, or Beer: Man and Wife shall live in quiet, till they fall into quarrel: Black Cows shall this year give white Milke● many shall be more glad to go to bed late, than to rise early: Rich men shall dye as the poor do, and no man shall be valued according to his Wisdom, but his wealth, etc.   

Of a Flatterer.  
A Flatterer that had extolled his Lord beyond all reason or modesty, before a great company then present, impatient ofsuch Adulation, in regard it was so palpable, could not contain himself, but● rising from his seat, fell upon him, and gave him diverse blows; who feeling the smart, said unto him, Sir, why do you beat me● to whom he answered, Sirrah, why didst thou bite me●●   

A witty retort of a learned Bishop.  
A Bishop going to visit through his Diocese, was entertained at a Parson's house, where he had very grea● a●d good cheer, but his wine was stark naught; which he ●asting, said to the Parso●, Domine Person●, hoc non ●st bonum vinus: To whom he replied, if i● please your good Lordship, I think you speak incongruously; to who● he answered, it is true M●ster Parson, I know it well, but if you could tell how to mend your Wine, you should quickly find, that I would mend my Latin.   

Of Usury.  
ONe ask whether Usury were any way lawful? it was answered him again, that it was; the other demanding how? who replied again, so that a man dareth his money only to such, as he knows are not able to pay back the principal again.   

Of a great Prelat● i●● Rome.  
A Great Prelate in Rome, being at a sumptuous and delicate ●east, where was plenty of all variety's, and nothing was wa●●ing, saving Mustard, looking about, and spying none, said aloud; O quanta patimus pro Ecclesia: which a Scholar, who w●s then at his Elbow, hearing, said, Sir, by your favour, you should have said patimur; to whom he replied, what tellest thou me of patimus or patimur, is it not all one? for I am sure they are both of the Genitive case.   

Of an unlearned Parson in the Country.  
A Parson in the Country, who was no scholar, spying the word Epiphania in the Calendar, by the red letters finding it to be a Festival day, gave out in the Church, that the next week, upon such a day, they were to keep the Feast of Epiphanie, but whether it were of a man or a woman, he could not resolve them for the present; but howsoever, he desired that they would co●e to the Church, and keep it for an Holiday.   

A Vintner and a Poet.  
A Vintner meeting 〈◊〉 Poet in the streets● saluted him, and desired● him of better acquain●tance: who asked him o● what profession he was? who told him that he was a Vintner, and proceeded further, and said, I know you by sight, and I make no question but that you know me too: To whom he replied, no indeed, fo● to my knowledge, I never saw your● face before; I pray you where dwell you? marry (saith he) at the Rose, by the Poultry Counter gate; to whom the Poet answered again, friend's how horribly art thou mistook! why, I tell thee, I never durst walk that way this seven years.   

Of a Land Poet, and a Water Poet.  
ONe being asked what difference there was betwixt a Land Poet and a Water Poet? made answer; even just so much as there is betwixt a Scholle●and a Schuller.   

Of a Knight which wa● made a Master of Art.  
WHether it be by th● King's prerogative● or by the courtesy of th● University I know not, o● whether both coupling together; but so it was that a Knight, a Nobl● Gentleman, being with th● King's Majesty at Cambridge, had so much grac● as to be made a Master o● Art, to add to his forme● Title: upon which honour having drunk somewhat stiffly over night, an● coming to tender his service to his Majesty, he (knowing him to be no Scholar) asked him, how much he had profited in his learning, since he had taken that degree? who answered him again, with a protestation, that since his coming to the Academy, he had gained so much Latin, that the last night he had scarce one word of English to bring him to bed.   

Of a Reader in on● of th● Inns of Court.  
A Very eminent Gentleman, who was at that time Reader, having feasted the house very bountifully in his last Lecture, or taking of his leave of these exercises, did it in these or the like words: Gentlemen, I have read to you, & I have feasted you, but if you have not profited so much by my reading, as by my feasting ', I conclude thus: You have been better fed than taught.   

Of a Goldsmith, his Wife; and his youngest Practice.  
A Goldsmith, fearing the danger of the Sickness, was persuaded by his wife, which was a pretty handsome Gentlewoman, to remove out of London, and take an house in the Country, and to furnish it, caused his younger Prentice to take an inventory of all such household commodities, as he went to convey thence, ●hich he did punotually, and set down every particular thing as they were delivered: but when he came to his Mistress Linen, and finding, that for haste sake, ●ome were washed, and some not, he writ after this manner: Item, so many of my Mistress her smocks white, and so many parcel guilt, and so gave up his account; which the young Gentlewoman reading, grew into a violent rage, and persuaded her husband to beat the Lad, or bring him before the Chamberlain, but howsoever, to have him sound corrected: to which he answered, wife, by no means, the boy suits his phrases properly to his trade, for you know we have white plate, parcel guilt, and guilt all over.   

Of Paul's.  
TWo Gentlemen that were of familiar acquaintance meeting, the one demanded● of the other, what news? marry ●aith he, strange new●s, have you not heard it? his friend being importunate to know what it was: why saith he, Paul's is preparing, either to go, or to ride into the Country presently; the other replied, what probability can there be for that? what probability? (answered he again) why, do you not see he hath sent all his Trunks away before hand?   

Of a great Courtier and a Citizen.  
A Citizen of good quality, having business with a Lord of the Court, as having vented upon him diverse commodities, th● Lord upon a time, being merrily disposed, desired to resolve him one question, who told him he would, if it lay in his power to do't: then saith he, I prithee tell me what should be the reason, that so many Citizens should be Cuckolds? who answered him presently, troth my Lord I know none, but our foolish imitation; for we can see a fashion no sooner come up in the Court, but they will never be at quiet till they have it in the City.   

Of a Mayor in the Country, and a pleasant fellow riding through the Town.  
THe Mayor of a thoroughfare Town, sitting at his door in discourse with some of his neighbours; one that tired his horse, could not by any spurring make him go forward; but when he came just before the Inn door, where the Mayor sat, stood stone stil●, and would not stir one foo●e further, at which they fell all on laughing; (for he was known to them all) at length saith mistress Maior, friend, how far are you to ride to night? tro●h, answered he, I am afraid I am at the farthest: will you fell the B●ast you ride on, saith the Mayor? if I would, answered he, I could wish you not to buy him, for one foul fault that he hath: and what is that, saith the other? he replied, marry because he never looks upon any paltry Mare, but (as I have observed it) this jadish trick comes upon him.   

The answer of an old Foole.  
ONe asked an ancient Idiot, what made him to look so grey? my hairs said he.   

Of one Neighbour inviting another to Dinner.  
ONe Neighbour inviting another to dinner, said unto him in these words, good friend, will it please you to dine with me to day? and if it please you to send in Meat, saving for Bread and Drink, I will put you to no other charges.   

Of a North country ●●n, who told a Lie in London.  
A Plain Northern fellow coming up to the City, told a palpabl●lye● and added further, that he bade the Devil take him if it were not true; but presently recalling himself, said, I cry God mercy, what have I done? one ask him the reason of his la●t speech, and what relation it had to the former, who answered, marry faith he, because I ●now not of what condition your Devils are, here about London; but in our Countr●● I might have said, the Devil take me a hundred times together, and I am sure none of them all would have hurt me.   

A pretty mistake in the marrying of a couple.  
A Plain Vicar in the Country came ●o marry a young man and a maid, who were his parishioners, and both well known to him● and when he came to the joining of their hands, he said to him, John, what is your name? to whom the fellow said, what need you ask me that? it seems you know it as well as I do myself.   

Of the blind man of Ho●●way.  
THe Blind man of Holloway coming about some business to London● and especially to speak wi●h a Citizen in Fryday-street, with whom he had some trading, came unto his shop, and asked one of the boys, if his Master were within? who told him, that he was aboven I prithee then tell him that I am here, and desire to speak with him; who presently went up, and told his Master, that the blind man of Holloway, w●s come to see him: ●s he saith his Master? tell him, I will come down unto him presently; for I know he would be ver● glad to see me.   

Of a Quask-salver, who did undertake to cure one of the Gout.  
ONE lying long bedrid of the Gout, which by laziness, and too much ease, grew more, and more upon him, a Quacksalver came to him, and took upon him to cure him, but finding that he could give him no ease at all, but that the cure was above his cunning, knowing that his patient had a Gelding in the Stable, on which he sometimes road, when he was not able to go, he watched his opportunity, stole him, and road with him quite away: Now the man, having neither Physician to help him, nor Horse to ●ase him, was forced to forsake his Bed, and to try his feet; by which means he was suddenly recovered, by stretching out his shrunk veins, which before were contracted. Those that knew it, gave out, that the Horse was the best Physician of the two, and that the Quacksalvers knavery had done more than his cunning.   

Of a Maid who died suddenly.  
A Kitchenmaid, who was providing a great Dinner, where diverse persons were invited; as they expected the meat to come up, sudden newe● was brought to them, that the Cookmaid was f●l-len down dead in the Kitchen and was past all recovery: at which, all the Guests, with the owner of the House, and the r●st of his Family, made speed out of the house, le●t t●e meat at the fire, lo●●t up the door's, and a●●y they went. O●e re●a●i●g this to a friend o● 〈…〉 that the● w●re 〈…〉 such a ●●are, 〈…〉 no living 〈◊〉 i● the house saving ●h● maid, who lay de●● in the Kitchin.   

Of a Masse-Priest in Queen Mary's days.  
IN Queen Mary's days, when all the Service was in Latin●, a simple, silly Priest in the Country, (for there were few other in those days) was entreated to come to the next Parish to christian a Child, but not having his own Book, he was so newhat puzelled; at length he spied at the foot of a leaf written, Sa●taper tri●, that is, skip, or turn over three leaves at once; which he mistaking, and thinking it had been the fashion of that P●r●sh● w●en he came to those w●rd●, to give th●ee 〈◊〉 about the Fo●● 〈◊〉 w●lli●g ●o bre●k Cu●t●●es● h●● presently fetches thr●e ●●iskes and vagaries, tumbling the Midwife one way, the Godfather another, and had almost thrown down the Godmother that held the Child; at which, they all thought him to be mad, and laid hold on him: but a Gentleman standing by, who had overlookt him in his reading, spying the Error, put him into the right way, otherwise the Child had been borne thence, not half Christened.   

Of a 〈◊〉 a●d a pleasant 〈◊〉.  
A M●●y f●●low having 〈…〉 ●o ca●ry●d●w●e 〈◊〉 ●rea●●u●ntity of wa●er ●n●o 〈…〉 (w●i●● 〈…〉 seeme●, 〈…〉 ●o much note of) c●ye● 〈◊〉 Fire, fire; the neighbours coming, and ask where? He told them, in the Vintner's C●llar: They beat against the door, up comes the Master, and tells them, all is well within, demanding who had abused him in that kind: the Author is found out, and produced; who being asked why he had done him that injury? answered, who would have thought, but that the Cellar had be●ne a fire, that had seen him carry in so much water as I did?   

Of a Doctor not used to ride.  
A Doctor that was seldom on horse-bak, being to ride a Journey, ●ame to take horse with no spurs upon his heels, which one, that was to ride with him, espying, said, Master Doctor, do you mean to ride without spurs? who looking down towards his fe●te, said, ●Tis true indeed, I have none; but I had thought verily that my man had put them on.   

Of shooting at Butts.  
ONE that stood looking upon a Match that was shotat Butts, when all hadshot very near, the last Arrow clapped into the white, at which, he said aloud, He hath won all, if it were a Mile to the bottom.   

Of taking Tobacco.  
ONE looking upon one that used to take much Tobacco, said to his friend that stood nex● him, Do you not observe that fellow? he takes Tobacco like a Fish.   

Of a Pocket-musket.  
TWo Citizens speaking of their Arms, the one having a handsome short M●sket, said to th● other, I think I have the best Pocket-musket about the Town; at which the other laughing, he replied again, and why not a pocket-musket, as well as a pocket-dagge.   

Of two that fell out.  
TWo young fellows falling out, began to grow into very violent and bitter terms: at length said the one to the other, well, for thy Mother, I know her to be as honest a woman, as any is in England, but for thine own part, thou art no better than the son of a Who●e.   

A harmless mistake.  
A Chimney being on fire, one meets his man with a Musket i● haste, and asked him whither he carried that Chimney? marry, saith he, to scour the piece.   

Of a sudden affright.  
ONe familiar friend spying another, whose back was towards him, came suddenly behind him ere he was aware, and shook him, so that he gave a great start, and looking, when he saw it was his friend, he said, now I beshrew your heart, you have made all the guts in my belly rise into my face.   

Of a jacobus piece.  
ONe spying in the hand of his friend a very fair twenty two shillings piece, & desired him to let him poise it in his hand, which having done, he presently returned it to him back, and said, it was as fair an Harry jacobus, as ever he saw.   

Of one that was supposed to be in a Consumption.  
TWo friends meeting together, the o●e asked of the other, when he saw such a man, who was well known to them both? who made answer with a great sigh, that he could not be lo●g lived, he demanding the reason, he said, he could not ch●se but be in a Consumption, for his doublet was grown too short wasted.   

Of going by Water.  
TWo coming to take Water at Westminster stairss, were plied by diverse Oars: the one would go with a Waterman of his old acquaintance: but the other having dependence upon the Court, no ●aith he, we will go with him that hath M. R. upon his coat, for that standeth for Maria Rex.   

A Goose-pie.  
ONe seeing a c●rious fat Swan at the Poulterer's Stall, said to his friend that walked along with him, O what a dainty Goose-pie, would that Swan make.   

Of Colour's.  
IT being demanded of one, what colours he thought was fittest for a Tradse-man to wear? was answered, O your Carnation black is the best wear for a Citizen.   

Of a Gentleman in Plu●h.  
A Gentleman being very gallant, and all in Plush, walking along the ●treet● two Tradesman following him, the one who knew him, s●id to the other, dost thou know ●im that is so brave? no saith he, what of thate I'll tel● thee then, replied the other, thou seest him now al● in Plush, bu● ten to on● within th●se ●ew days thou shalt meet him in a broune-stuffe.   

A quarter of L●●be.  
THree or four good-fellows mee●ing, went to dine at a Cooks in Pie-corner, and bespoke a quarter of Lamb, which when they came to cut up, they found to be very tough, insomuch, that they could scarcely tug it asunder with their teeth; at length saith one of them, now on my conscience, this Lamb is seven years old at least.   

A simple Market-maid.  
A Silly Market wench being sent to the Butchers, inquired at Saint Nicholas Shambles along, for a breast of mutton with a ruppe upon it.   

Of buying a Sword.  
TWo Gentlemen meeting, the one of them had a ve●y fair new Sword, which the other observing, said unto him, indeed you have got a very handsome Sword, I pray you is it your own, or did you buy it?   

Of two Neighbours talking.  
TWo neighbours meeting, the one having lately bu●led his wife, the other began to comfort him for the loss of his good wife; who answered him again, that ●he was a good woman indeed, but he was sorry for nothing so much, as his poor ●●therlesse children at home.   

A very improper Comparison.  
ONe complained to his friend, and said; I am so troubled here with a Blister, that is risen upon my arm as passeth, and I assure you, it is as sore as a Walnut.   

One set upon by a Mastiff.  
TWo fellows meeting, the one told unto the other, that he was set upon on the way, by a huge fierce Mastiff, having nothing (saith he) in my hand but this cudgel which thou seest, and yet for half an hour by the Clock, I kept him in play hand to hand, and in all that time he was not able to get within me.   

Of Dancing.  
ONe seeing a Gentleman dancing very loftily, & nimbly, and comely withal, said to another, that stood next him, do you observe that man? doth he not handle his legs most daintily?   

Of three or four being late in a Tavern●.  
THree or four good fellows being merry at the Tavern, till it was passed eleven a Clock at Night, some of them having a great way to their Lodgings, saith one of them to the rest, Nay, now Gentlemen, it is even hi● time for us to part; for I will assure you, the longer that you ●tay, the farther you have home.   

Of a Message simply delivered.  
A Widdow-woman being dead, a Messenger was sent to a Gentleman, a Kinsman of hers, to entreat him to contribute something towards her burial, who delivered his message after this sort: Sir, such a woman is dead, and commends her unto you, desiring you to send her Forty shillings to bury her.   

A silly protestation.  
I Herd one, speaking of the honesty of his Wife, protest, that in his Conscience she was as virtuous a Maid, as any was in all the Parish.   

Another like foolish protestation.  
ONe being urged to confirm a Truth, having at that time a ●eaker brimmed in his hand, said, (being ready to drink) That which I have spoken, is most true, or else I wish this Beaker may never go thorough me.   

A Cow-pigge.  
ANother instead of a Sow-pigge, went up and down the Market to ask for a Cow-pigge.   

Of one coming from a Sermon.  
ONe that had not been often at Church, one ask him what the Preachers Text was? who answered him again, I know the Text as well as the Mother that bore thee, and he t●oke it out of jeronimo.   

Of a Picture.  
ONe looking upon his friend's picture, which was drawn in a very curious Table, began much to commend the workmanship, and said, The Double● was as like him, as if it had been made for him.   

Of a pleasant fellow, his Confessor, and a Gammon of Bacon.  
A Pleasant fellow coming to Confession, his ghostly Father demanded, what great and grievous sin he had lately committed, since his last absolution? who fetching a great sigh, said, that the la●t●Le●t he had a goodly gammon of bacon ●ent him out of the Country, but because of the strictness of the time, he had cast it down into the house of Office: The good man chid him for it, and told him, that it was a great ●●n indeed so to contemn any of God's good creatures, h● should rather have kept it, or given it towards the reliefs of some poor people, who stood in need thereof; or saith he, if none of these, it had been less offence in thee to have eaten it: Truly Father, saith he, I thought so and therefore not to dissemble with you, I did eat it first, and sent it down into the house of Office after.   

Of a fellow ●anged for stealing an Halter.  
ONe meeting another with whom he was well acquainted, asked him for an old companion of his, whom he had not seen of long; O saith he, he is gone the wrong way● why, what is become of him saith the other? who told him again, he was hanged, the other replied, hanged! for what? marry saith he, for stealing a rope; a small fault saith he; ay but answered he again, there was an horse tied to the end of it.   

Of two fellows that were t● ride a journey.  
TWo crafty Knaves, but one more subtle than the other, were to ride a journey, and to hire an Horse betwixt them, and to ride by turns; now when they both had laid down their money, saith the one of them, take notice of the bargain that is betwixt us, is it not thus, That when I ride, you shall go on foot; and when you go on foot, I shall ride? 'Tis right said the other; of which the first taking notice, got up into the Saddle, and made his friend ●ro● on foot the whole journey.   

Things that cannot be revoked.  
YOuth, Time, a word spoken, and a Maid's Virginity.   

Another to the like purpose.  
HE that at twenty years of age is not fair, a● Thirty, strong at Forty, wi●●; at Fifty, rich; it is too late for him to exp●●t any of these after.   

Of one that was to fallen an Hog.  
IT hath been a cu●●o●e in the Country, that when any man killed an Hog, he was to invite all his neighburs to ●ate part thereof, and so they went round by turns: now one more penurious than the rest, willing to save that charge, asked counsel of his neighbour, what he were best to do? who told him, that the only way for him to save both his purse and his credit, was to give out the next day, that his Hog was stolen that night, who departed from him very well satisfied, and resolved. Now it so happened, that his Hog was that night stol●e indeed, which he missing in the Morning, ran openmouth to his Gossip, with a loud acclamation, and told him, he was quite undone, for his Hog was stolen out of the Sty; who smiling made answer, 'Tis very well Gossip, yo●●arry the business even so as I instructed you: To whom he replied with an Oath, Ay but Gossip, I tell you, he is stolen indeed: who answered, better, and better; for if you remember, I told you, your neighbours would not believe you without an oath: at which words being more ve●ed, he stamped, and stared, and rapt out Oath after Oath, that what ●e said, was true; the other still smiling, said, if that passion would not carry it currant amongst his neighbour's, sure nothing would; and so he left him derided, as well as deluded.   

Four things kill a man before his time.  
A Sad Family, immoderate surfeit, corrupt air, and a fair wi●e.   

Of two calling for a breakfast.  
TWo Gentlemen taking a room in a Tavern, having called for Wine, asked the Drawer what they might have to breakfast, who told them, there was nothing, but a piece of Beef in the Pot, ●nd that was not half sod; ●o ●aith one of them● I am ●ery hungry, I prithee ●hen, till thy Beef be rea●y, let me have a slice of ●oft-meate cut from the spit.   

Of three things to be bewared.  
THree things all men ought to beware of: Not to be inquisitive into other men's secrets, for it may breed thee danger; to ●ouch nothing in a Smith's ●hop, le●t thou burn thy finger's; and to ta●te nothing when thou art at the Apothecaries, le●t in the stead of a preservative, thou lightest upon poison.   

Of one that came reeling from the Tavern.  
A Gentleman that came reeling from a Tavern, and indentering all the way, (it being late in the night) the watch came about him, and began to to lay hold of him: who startling at their sudden approach, as new waked out of a dream, asked what was to pay? They perceiving he came newly out of a Tavern, told him, that it was not likely, that a Gentleman of his fashion, would leave the house without paying the reckoning; who answered them again, If the reckoning be paid, why then do you bring me these Bills.   

Of one dancing upon the Ropes.  
A Mere natural Fool, coming by chance into a place where one was dancing on the Ropes, whose foot failed him, and he fell to the ground, at which, all the spectators fell into a great laughter; one Fool put finger in the eye, and wept, and being demanded the reason thereof, made answer, Mary because they call me a Fool, that have the wit to keep my feet upon the ground, and took him for a wise man, who dancing in the Air, is at every step he takes, ready to break his neck.   

Of one that bought a Mare in Smithfield.  
ONe bargaining for a Mare in Smithfield, and being a man known, paid down hal●e his money in hand, and promised him ●to be a de●tor unto him for the rest; the seller, some two days after, meeting with the buyer, demanded his money; who told him, he had in all things punctually kept his bargain; for, saith he, if I should pay you the re●t of the money, I am then no more you debtor.   

An old Proverb.  
IT hath been an old Proverb, and for the most part true, Those men, undoubtedly, grow rich, whose wives die, and whose Bees pro●per.   

Things ●hat cannot be hid.  
LOve, the Cough, Fire, and grief.   

How one saluted a Gentlewoman.  
ONe meeting a Gentlewoman in the streets bore breasted, & naked half way to the waste, came to her, and whispering in her ear, as he laid his hand upon her breasts, asked her, if that flesh were to be sold? who in a great anger answered him, no; no, saith he: then sweet Lady, I could wish you to ●hut up your shop windows.   

Of an Hare-finder.  
A Fellow that used to find Hares for gentlemen in the Country, related this for a truth, that as he was pacing over the Fallows, he spied a hare sitting in her Furme, whose nature is, that she will not rise, whil●● you fix your eye steadfastly upon her; which he did, and stooping on the one side to take up a stone, or something to strike her where she sat, he suddenly catcht hold of another Hare, that was furmed at his foot, and casting her at that which he spied first, took her just in the rising, and broke both their necks. Believe him who li●t.   

In what things women must not be believed.  
IN these things women (as I have heard from the mouth of a woman) are not to be credited. First, if she she weep; for she hath Tears at her will: next, if she seigne herself sick; believe her not, till thou ●eest her quite dead: last, if she eat not at the Table, thi●ke, either she hath before broke her fast, or else reserved some choice bi● for herself a●ter dinner.   

Of a Farmer's wife in the Country.  
A Plain Country Farmer, having never been called into Office before, was made Constable; and taking it to be a great addition to his reputation, against the next Sunday he bought his wife a new gown, with a lace on every seam, the like of which her mother had scarce worn before, with other accowterment, in which she was ●o show herself the next Sunday; but coming late to Church, (fo● she was long in making herself ready) just at the time when all the people rose up at the reading of the Gospel, she thinking they had done it in reverence of her, said to them all aloud, I thank you good people, even with all my heart, and I will so order the business, that this kindness shall be requited before my husband goeth out of his Office.   

What maketh men keep home.  
A House kept sweet, want of company abroad, Adversity, and a Wife that is w●ll conditioned.   

Of a Gardener, who brought a Present of Fruits to his Landlord.  
A Gardner had planted, or ●rafted too sorts o● Kentish Pippins, and when the time of their ripeness came, he brought some of either, and presented them to his Landlord, and said, Sir, taste that Apple, it is the best that ever grew upon the ground; and when you have done, taste this, for it is better than the other.   

Of a Country-fellow.  
A Country-fellow in Bartholomew Faire-time coming something late through the Charterhouse, when it was but almost night, spied a mellow Pear before him, which some had scattered; which tasting, and finding it to relish well i● his mouth, he imagined that it had dropped from one of those Trees, and having a good cudgel in his hand, he so belabored the poor Elms, till the people that passed by, and perceived the error, laughed him to scorn.   

Things that trouble a family.  
A Hen without Eggs, a Sow without Pigs, a Cow without Milk; the Daughter a wanderer, the Son a gamester; the goodman that loves his Maid, the Wife that robs her Husband.   

Of a young Wench coming to confession.  
A Young Girl coming to Confession, told her Ghostly Father, that she had been with a young man in the Hey: Ay but said he, what did you there● To whom she answered, what an old Fool are you, that have lived to these years, and know not what a young ●ellow and a Wench cannot find themselves to do in an Hey-loft?   

Of two Women scolding.  
TWo women scolding, the one called the other Whore; who answered her again, 'tis tru●, and thou wouldst be one too, but that thou art so ugly, that no man will have to do with thee.   

Of things which scarce can be avoided.  
A Young Wench without a Sweetheart, a Fair without ●heeves, a Jew without Wealth, an old Barn without Mic●, an old Garment without Lice, an old Goat without a Beard, and a● old Usurer without the Devil.   

Of a simple fellow that bought an Almanac.  
A Simple fellow would needs go in Paul's Churchyard to buy an Almanac, and when he came home, he looked for this Holy day, and ●nother Holiday; a● length he finds out Easter-day, and says aloud, O strange, saith he, Easter-day falls upon a Sunday this year.   

Of Ralph Urbino.  
RAlph Urbin being a very excellent and skilful Painter, upon a time hearing two Cardinals, (with whom he was very familiar) to reproove and find fault (only for to anger him) with a certain Picture of Saint Peter, and Saint Paul, which he had very ar●ficially painted, and finished; saying, that the Pictures faces were too high-coloured, and too red; without further studying, he gave them this answer 〈◊〉 My Lords, m●rvaile not hereat, for I have purposely so painted them, as they are now in Heaven, and not as they were upon Earth; for this Redness cometh unto them, blushing even for very shame, to see the Church so ill governed, and out of repair, by such and such, li●e as your Lordships.   

Of a Scrivener.  
A Petition was brought upon a time to a Scrivener, to see how he liked the form of it, whereupon he answered, and said, that he was a Goose that drew it; for said he, I ●py twenty, and twenty faults in this Petition, which he hath left out.   

Of a silly fellow.  
THere was a man of no little account, which was brought before a Judge of a Court, to take his Oath to such, and such Articles, as he shouldbee examined upon; and when he was gone, he asked one of his Neighbours, if that were all, to lay his hand upon a Book, and kiss it? I said the other; it is then no matter, said the fellow, as long as I did not swear by God.   

Of a poor man in Prison.  
THere was a poor man which had ●aine long in Prison upon an Execution; a friend came to him, and would ●aine have had him out of the Prison to the next Tavern to drink with him; no said he, I cannot go out, why, said his friend? because ●aith he, I am impaled with a Brickwall.   

A witty Answer of a Parson●  
A Certain Ecclesiastical man having but one Benefice, envied most sharply against choose that were Non R●●idents: It came to pass by tract of time, that he happened to join one Benefice to another, and as he was reproved for it by some of his friends, who oftentimes had heard him speak, and preach against it, and had known him alwa●es to be of a contrary opinion: he gave them this answer, I crave pardon for it sirs, for it was but for want of sight; for he that hath but one eye, seeth not so clear, as he that hath two▪ My Benefice which I had first, was but one eye, wherewith I did see, but now having two eyes, I perceive things more apparent than before.   

A witty answer of a man to his Wife.  
A Certain Gentleman having married a young maid, which had a good portion; after two or three days he neglected●sporting and playing with her, and fell to his accustomed use of reading, and studying; after a while, his wife not liking he ●●ould read and study so much, came unto him, and said, O husband, I would I were a book, than I know you would love me, and look in me, and turn me over and over: would you be a book, ●aid he● yes said she, what book said he? any book said she, than said he, I would thou wert an Almanac, that then I might have one every year.   

Of the Archbishop of Colen.  
A Certain Labourer, as he saw upon a time, the Archbishop of Colen riding all in arms, accompanied with a great troop of old soldiers, did heartily laugh at it; hereupon, being demanded why he did laugh● answered simply, that he did but smile, marvailing, that St. Peter, Christ's Vicar, (being himself very poor) had left his Successors thus rich and wealthy, and were ●ther accompanied with Soldiers and Courtiers, than Churchmen: The Archbishop willing to instruct hi● better in this point, tol● him, that he was a Duke by birth, and an Archbishop by calling, and that he, at that present, as Duke, went thus in arms, and guarded with soldiers; but when he had occasion to be in the Church, that then he used himself as a Bishop: My Lord, (quoth the Laboror) I would to God then you would tell me, that if the Duke's grace, should happen to fall to the Devil's share, what should then become of my Lord, the Archbishop.   

Of John the eighth Duke of Britain.  
IOhn, the eighth Duke of Britain, wi●ling to marry his son Francis unto Isabel, daughter to the King of Scots: the young Prince inquired what she was for a Lady; answer was made him, that she was a very fair Damsel, well favoured, comely of body, and well disposed for to bear children, but that she wants utterance: She ●s such a one as I desire, quoth the Duke, for I accounted a woman wise enough, when she can make a difference between her husband's shirt, and his doublet; and to know his bed from another man's; and to keep her out of the rain.   

A witty answer of a Gentleman.  
A Young Gentleman, whose mother being a long time a widow, and lately dead, did mourn for her, and being seen● upon a certain time in the King's Court, mounted on horseback, with his foot-cloth of Crimson Velvet, the Ladies, and other Gentlewomen of the Court, laughed him to s●orne; saying, that they found it very strange, to see his horse decked with a foot-cloth of red Velvet, whereas he himself did mourn for the death of his Mother: My Ladies, (replied the Gentleman) you have herein some reason, but yet ye ought to consider likewise, that the mother of my horse is not yet dead, as that he should mourn for her.   

Of a Gentleman buying a Horse in Smithfield.  
A Gentleman being upon a Market day in Smithfield to buy a horse, and liking a Stone-horse very well, asked● what price? the fellow told him, and withal, said the fellow, he is as good a Stone gelding, as any is in my Lord Majors' house.   

Of a French Lawyer.  
A Certain French Lawyer, having in his life-time gathered together great riches and wealth, and having no kind●ed to whom he might be queath his wealth: as ●ee lay upon his death bed, he disposed all his goods to be employed in the building of an Hospital, whereinto, no other diseased persons should be received, but such as were mad and lunatic, allowing every man a large & ample portion to their maintenance, & willed, that upon both the foregate, and back-gate of the Hospital, these words should be written, in large golden letters, Of mad men I got it, to mad men I leave it.   

A good Lest of the Duchess of Bourbon.  
THe Duchess of Bourbon having in her Court a certain waiting-maide, who for love had forgotten herself, and so was gotten with child: and being chidden, and reproved for her fault, said, to excuse it, and to save her honesty, that a Gentleman of the house had forced and deflowered her against her will: The Gentleman hereupon being called for to appear, and clear himself before the Duchess, she finding him guiltless, took his Rapier, and gave it to the Gentlewoman the accusant; and holding the Scabbard in her own hands, bid her to put the Rapier into it again: and as she endeavoured to do it, the Duchess stirred her hands up and down, insomuch, that the Gentlewoman was not able to put the Rapier into the sheath: Whereupon the Duchess address●●● herself to the Gentlewoman, said unto her, Go to no● good Huswife, if yo● had done as you have seen me do with the S●●bbard, you would never have fal●e into this inconvenience, wherein you are at this present, by your own fault and folly.   

Of a fellow which rob a Vestry.  
A Wicked Fellow for robbing of a Vestry, was brought before a simple Justice, and when they had accused him, and that he had nothing to say, to excuse himself, the Justice said, Alas poor ●ellow, he did it for mere want, and for hunger; didst not said the Justice● yes said the fellow; let him go, let him go said the Justice, he hath herein but saved the Churchwardens a labour.   

Of a Gentleman, and a Farmer.  
A Gentleman coming to a Countrey-farmers house somewhat late, to buy some Oats, and it chanced that he was a bed, and all his household likewise; the Gentleman still knocking at the door very earnestly, answer was made, what lack you? I pray, said the Gentleman, le● me speak with you; no said the ●ellow, I cannot speak to yo●; for here is no body at home but I, and m● wife, and some other that ●re asleep, and another that is not well.   

Of a silly Gentleman.  
A Silly Gentleman that met a Gentlewoman, who newly before had buried her Husband, asked her where he was, she answered, in Heaven; I never heard of it before, and that he was very sorry for it.   

Of a Country-fellow.  
A Country-fellow going along the street in London, it happened that a masty-dogge ran upon him, he stooping to take up some stones to fling at him, cried out, that he never knew stones tied, and dogs lose.   

Of a Lady, and her Tenant.  
A Lady in the Country, invited at Christmas, diverse of her Tenants, and friends; and having alittle before gotten the victory in a suit of Law of her adversary, said, that she was glad it was ended, for she had now gotten her will of him, besides great costs and charges of suit: one of her Tenants starts up, as they were set at Table, and said, he was very joyful of it; for he knew that he had a wrong sow by the ear.   

Of a Soldier.  
A Soldier marching on his way, after a troop of horse, casting his eye upon the ground as he went, found a horse-shoe, and stuck it at his girdle, and so went still forwards; at length a bullet came and hit him there; whereupon he said, a little armour will serve turn, if it were put in the right place.   

Of a couple of Tailors.  
A Couple of Tailors working ●pon a shopboard together, about nine of the clock, the maid of the ●ouse brings them an egg● to breakfast; so one ●ooke the point of his needle, and so did the other also, and began t● eate● at length, on● thought he did not tak● up enough at a time, turne● the ey● of the needle, an● eats with that, which th● other presently espye● swears a great oath, wha● you rogue, do you eat with a malt-shovell.   

Of three Soldiers.  
THere were three soldiers which had not a penny of money, and were very dry, and could not tell what to do●; one above the rest, goes into an Alehouse, and bids the other two come in with him, and then he calls to the man of the house, to give them three penny loaves, and when they were br●ught, one of them ●aid, what do you thin etine Host that we are Tailors? give ●s three pots of Beer for them; so the man brought them three Cans of Beer, and when they had drank them up, they were going away; the Host said, who shall pay for the Beer? why good man Rogue, said one of them, had not you three penny loaves for them? yes, said the Host, than said his man, pay for the bread; why you Rascal, said the other, had not you the bread again? so they went their way, laughing at the poor Tapster.   

A cunning trick of a Friar.  
IT happened about Lent time, that a cunning Friar going up and down to preach in ●ownes and Villages; and being's in his Sermon, he begged of the poor people their charity● and told them many strange stories what he had endured, at length he said, i● they would give something largely, in the afternoon he would ●hew them such a Relic ●hat they never saw; and ●hat should be a ●eather of the Angel Gabriel: in the afternoon all the people flocked together, and offered store of monies now the Friar had got in 〈◊〉 box, a feather of a Peacock's tail, which he● would have perswade● them, to have been the Angel gabriel's: Now his Hos● of the house, having formerly looked in the boxe● and saw that it was nothing but a Peacock's tail, too● it out, and put in a handful of small cools, the Friar making ha●te to go t● Church to get the mone● ne'er looked into the box but put it under his Gown and went his way; and being in his discourse, he told them, that he had brought what he had promised; so all the people fixed their eyes on him steadfastly; then he opened the box, and seeing nothing but small coals, told them, that he had● mistaken the box which he intended, but he would show them a greater Relic, and that was some of the coals which Saint Laurence was broiled upon; so the people went away satisfied; and the Host hearing this Knavery, told the Friar, unless he would give him some of the money, he would discover it; which he did agree to, and s● they both laughed at th● simple people for believing him.   

Of a blind man, and his ●oy.  
A Poor man being strucken blind, an● not able to live, hired 〈◊〉 Boy to lead him from on● friends house to another to get food; and it happened at one place they gave him both roast meat and boiled meat; the boy gave the blind man the boiled meat, and kept the roast for himself; at length his Master said, Sirrah, I smell ●st meat, surely you have ●me, but you cousin me, because I cannot see, but have a good nose said the ●oore man: at length the ●oy had eaten all of it, and ●s Master threatened to ●eate him for so doing; ●hereupon the boy makes ●o more a do, but led ●im on a good round pace, ●here in the midway ●ood a whipping post, 'gainst which the poor ●an hits his face a very ●re knock; what says the ●oy, can you smell roast ●eat●, and cannot you ●ell t●e post?   

An answer of a wife to a Neighbour.  
A Couple of special friends meeting, di● salute one another i● the ●●reete, and one o● them had his Wife with him; and the other, whic● had not his wife to accompany him, says, Friend● your legs grow very little me thinks in the calf and are shrunk up; hi● wife made answer, yet he● hath outgrown all h● nightcaps.   

A witty answer of a Gentlewoman.  
A Gentlewoman coming into Paul's Churchyard among the Trunke-makers, to buy a ●lose stool, and the Trunke-maker asked a ●reat price for it, and she ●ound fault with the rate which he set upon it; then ●aid the Trunke-maker, it ●s a very strong one, and ●t was better worth by two shillings more, by reason of the Lock and spring it ●ad: the Gentlewoman answered, there was no great need of a Key, for ●hee would put nothing into it, but what she cared not who stole i● out.   

Of an entertainment.  
A Citizen riding into the Country to take pleasure, and coming to his friend's house, and finding him at home, he made him v●ry heartily welcome, and desired him to stay all night; ●or he should be sure to have a flock-bed stuffed full of feathers, and you shall have it to yourself, and I will lie with you.   

Of a little Boy.  
A Gentlewoman at the time of Christmas, invited to dinner diverse of her neighbours, and when they were all come, and ready to sit down, she called her son, which was a little boy, and bid him have a care that he did not beg at Table, for if he did, she would whip him; the boy waited at the Table a great while, and had nothing; he being very hungry, and seeing the Pies almost eaten, saith, pray Mother give me some Pie, and I will not beg.   

Of two Country fellows.  
A Couple of Countrey-fellows going to market together, began to ●ell stories; one saith, I did see a naked boy with his pockets full of Nuts, kill a dead Sow with a Crossbow; the other said, I shall have a Fustian Doublet made of as good Holland, as can be got for money; then said the other, I must buy some merry book, 〈◊〉 a lamentable tune: when shall I see that book said the other● to morrow morning in the Afternoon said he; then said the other, I will tell you a strange thing, there was a woman living in our Town, which had at five births ten children, and every one was a Girl, and a Boy.   

Of a Co●ntrey●boy ●●tching Puddings.  
A Good housewife upon a time made Puddings, and when she had put them into a Kettle, and set them over the fire to boil, she called a little boy which was her son, to watch them, that when they began to leap, (as Puddings will do when they are sod) to call her● the boy still looking in the Kettle, saw them stir, yet never called his mother● at length the Puddings skins burst, and did swim about; the which the boy perceiving, cried out, mother, mother, come away, the Puddings begin to leap, for their Jerkins were off.   

Of a jealous man, and how be served his Wife.  
A Man being jealous of his Wife, supposed that she had made him often a Cuckold, yet he could never prove it; and she still denied it: At length he was persuaded by a friend of his, to use some trick to make her confess it; the project was invented, and then he put it to trials he told his wife, by his skill, and some other advice, that whatsoever he prayed for, he should obtain; that is well said she, I like that with all my heart: Then said he, Wife, pray tell me whether you did ever make me a Cuckold, yea, or no; never said she; so he went in, and made as if he kneeled down to pray, and having in his pocket little tips of Horns, clapped them upon his forehead with a little glue, and so ●ame forth, and said, look wife, I prayed, if ever thou madest me a Cuckold, that I might have a horn, and you see, I hav● it; she at first not knowing what to say, began to cry him mercy, and told him, it was a great while ago; it was when they we●e first married● well said her Husband, ne'er but that time did you? No indeed said she: well said he, I will try once more; so he went in, and did as he had done before, and came out with another Horn on; how now wife said he, I think I shall find out the truth: then she began to bethink herself, and said, she did partly remember, that being at a Tavern one night, and having drunk too much Wine, forgot her duty, and never since did it, nor never would again: Then said her Husband, I will try once more; then he went in again, and did as before, so he came out with a third Horn, which she seeing, fell down upon her knees, and desired pardon, and withal, to go in to pray no more; for if he did, his head would be full.   

Of three cheating fellows.  
THree notable shirk●s went into a Tavern to dinner, and had as much Wine and Meat, as came to six shillings; so the reckoning being brought up six shillings, they swore they had but two shillings to pay; the drawer swore they had six to pay; so they called for the Master of the house, and told him, how is servant abused them, in saying they had six shillings to pay, and they had but two shillings; so a w●ger was laid, that they would prove before any man whatsoever, that they had six shillings to pay, and being come to try all, they told him, that they had but two shillings amongst them all; so they won the wager, and left the rest to pay.   

Of a very silly fellow.  
THere was an ignorant fellow brought before the Lord's grace of York, for having been in the society, or company of Brownists; and having nothing to say for himself, a Warrant was making to send him to Prison; which the fellow perceiving, fell down upon his knees; saying, Good my Lord, my Lord, pray your Worship, good your Worship be good to me; one of the Arch-Bishops men that stood next him, spoke softly to him, and told him, he must say, your Grace, and not your Lordship; then the fellow cried out, The eyes of all things look up and trust in thee.   

Another of a silly Woman.  
IT happened that the good man of the house fell sick of a Consumption, whereupon, the Doctor of the Town was sent for to have his advice, and being come, he advised him to take good comfortable broths, and to drink Ass' milk and Sugar every morning, and if he could get none about the Town, to send to him, and he would help him to some, and so the Doctor went his was; now as soon as the Doctor was gone, the man's Wife said, Husband, pray tell me, doth master Doctor give suck?   

A mistake of the Mayor of Quinborow.  
UPON the death of Queen Elizabeth, the Mayor of the town, had a Warrant sent down from the Council to guard and make safe the Castle; he being at a stand, called for the rest of his brethren, and being come into their Hall, or place where they keep Court● he stood up upon a Hassock, and made this speech, saying, Brethren, here's an arrant (he meant a warrant) come down, and therefore I thought it convenient, that we should despair to this place; and here being dissembled together, we might consult of our posterities; for the Queen is dead, and we doubt, we must have another King or Queen, and I stand in great fear, the Commons will be unrude, and cause a strange Resurrection, and so then will all our Monarches (he meaning Monuments) be quite undone, and our Town having been of that lascivious government, (meaning civil government) be turned of the other side o● the water, and so our re● scarlet gowns will be● wet; if we be forced t● swim, for my part, I ca● swim no more than 〈◊〉 Goose.   

Upon a Sailer.  
A Sailor riding between Dover and Gravesend, and having got a stumbling horse, which had thrown him diverse times; at the next Town he buys a basket, and filled it full of Stones and gravel, and ties it to his horse's tail, which his company espying, asked him, what he meant by thatch answered, That he did it, because his ●●rse went too m●●h a head.   

Another of a Country fellow.  
IT happened, that at Christmas time, a gentleman, who used to keep a bountiful ho●se, having invited many of his friends and Tenants to dinner, one one amongst the rest, stayed two or three days, because he came a great way; at his departure he thanked his Landlord for his good cheer, and we●t away; as soon as he got home, they inquired what welcome he had; O said this fellow, great plenty of every thing, the like he had never seen; and especially, said the fellow, to me he showed such love, for he commanded half a● Ox to be killed a purpose for my staying.   

A witty one of a justice of Peace.  
A Silly fellow being brought before a Justice of Peace, for stealing of some sheep; the fellow denied it; at length witness came against him, and justified, that they saw him drive away six sheep; O said the Justice, were there no more of them? no said the Witness: the fellow still denied them, which the Justice hearing, said, Fellow, if thou hadst come to me, I could have given thee a Warrant to have stolen ten, but if you steal no more than ten, it is no matter● no indeed, said the fellow, there were but four which I had, but if I had known before, that your Worship would have given me that liberty, I would have come to you: The Justice whispering his Clerk in his ear, bade him make his Mittimus: well, said the Justice, I will give you a Warrant ●o smeale ten, and no more ●t a time; now the fellow thought that the Clerk ●ad been making him ●uch a Warrant, the fellow stepped to him, and spoken softly to him, and ●ntreated him to put in a ●ittle Bullock in the Warrant likewise: so the ●ellow was committed to ●rison, & the Justice highly commended for his ●lot.   

Of a coup●e walking together.  
TWo neighbours going to take the air in the fields, and coming into the highway, one spied a company of sheep, the other commended them because they were so fat, and large; the other said again, I would I had one of them: what would you do with it said the other? I would invite some of my best friends to supper, and make a venison pasty of it.   

Of a Wel●h begg●●  
A Poor Welshman coming towards London to get preferment, and having got a way of rhyming, or je●ting, came ●o a Widow's house, which stood on a Green, and because she would give ●im nothing, he would make verses to scoff her, which were these.  

There●dwelt a Widow upon agreene,  
She●●ad a nose like to a Swine;  
She had feet like to any Geese;  
I tr●w you had now better given some Cheese.    

Of a Cook of a College.  
THe Cook of a College, by s●●lding o● brews for the Scholars, and having a sp●nd-thri●●●onne, built a fair house, with an inte●t to leave it to him as a competency; 〈◊〉 Scholar observing it, wrot● upon the Door these Lines, 
D' ye see this House? 'twas grease that 〈◊〉  
But ere't be l●ng the 〈◊〉 will m●●● it.  ler? I tell thee boy, it is a Mill: the boy replied, I thought it had been a prison, because my mind gave me, that I should see a Thee●e look out.   

Of a Countrey-Iustice.  
A Country Justice, somewhat imperious amongst his neighbours, had offended a Neighbour in such a way, that he knew not how to right himself: whereupon this man, with another very loving friend of his, complotted an irremediable revenge upon the Justice, insomuch that this man should give his friend a box on the ear, which was done, and withal, by virtue of the Justice his Warrant should be sent for, which was also performed: The Warrant being se●ved, they both immediately appeared; the Justice glad of such an opportunity, spoke very powerfully, and asked him why he had broken the peace, in striking his neighbour? To which the other answered not at all: The Justice threatened him, that i● he would not answer, he would lay him by the heels: nevertheless the other would not answer a word; insomuch that his Mittimus was made, and delivered into the Constable's charge: But as he was going out, the Justice recalled him, and bid him answer for himself; and withal asked him, why he would not speake● He answered, that he durst not; why man said the Justice? your Worship looks so like a Lion; when didst thou see a Lion said the Justice? the other replied, I saw a Butcher the other day, carry two on horseback, bound by the legs: the Justice replied, away y'are both Knaves, and so dismissed miss them, without any more words.   

Of a silly Painter.  
A Countrey-painter being employed according to direction, to write some things upon the Church-wall, a Gentleman came into the Church, and perceiving the Painter not to write true English, called to him, and asked him, why he wrote ●ot true English? The Painter answered, Truly Sir, the Country will not go to the charges of the writing true English.   

A mistake of a Country-fellow.  
A Countrey-novice coming to London, and coming to his lodging late in the night, he met with a Bulker, alias, a Wascotiere, and courting her according to his countreyconscience, somewhat Butcherlike, he asked her what it was she had, that was so stubbed? what said she? It is my Nunquam sat is: How quoth he, a Nun and a Papist? If thou be'st a Nun, I cham sure I'm no Papist.   

Of a Thatcher.  
A Thatcher being on the top of a Barn at his work, the Barn being on the highways side, a drunken Coachman driving without fear, or wit, swept away the Ladder that the Thatcher was at work upon, insomuch that the Thatcher seeking to save himself by catching hold, but to no purpose, came tumbling downwards, and still said, Lord, what shall I do? but when he came to the Eaves, and saw that he must fall, swore a great Oath, what a fall shall I have now!   

Of an old Fiddler.  
AN old Fiddler having been over-watcht, and drunk withal, having need to make water, the rest of his crew performing their duties, going down to that intent, mistook his way, and instead of going backwards, went forwards into the street, and bestriding the Ke●nell, Colossus like, he boldly turned the Cock, and let his water run freely; the people passing by, checked him for it, it being towards noon: He answered them, saying, Peace you fools, peace, we do not know our own Happiness: What a Gracious Prince have we, that will suffer his Subjects to stand and piss in the streets.   

Of a Country man that lost his way in London.  

A Country man of good estate,  
His way had lost, it being late,  
And meeting with another man,  
Said, tell me good sir, if you can,  
The way to Newgate; I would know  
The ready way, I pray you show:  
Cut a purse, saith he, and you shall ●●nde  
The ready way, though you were blind.    

Of a young Merchant and a Fiddler.  
A Young Merchant man coming home from Sea, being merrily disposed at a Tavern, amongst his friends, called for Muficke, and amongst other of their course discourse, some was about women's unconstancy; the Merchant would undertake to win the good will of any woman in few hours; th● Fidler replied, that he had such a woman to his wife, that he durst presume, she would not prove false unto him: the Merchant replied unto the Fiddler, that he would lay his ship, and all her lading (which was but newly come home) against his fiddle, that he should find to the contrary well, a bargain is a bargain, quoth the Fiddler, a ma●ch, quoth the Merchant, and with the licence of the Fiddler, away he went to court his new Mistress, how he used her I know not, but the Sequel showeth he was not unkind: In the mean time cometh the Fiddler with his crowd, and su●g this to his music.  

Fidler.  

Hold out sweet Kate, hold out,  
Hold out but these 2 hours;  
If thou hold out, there is no doubt,  
●ut the ship and a●● is ours.    

Kate.  

In truth sweet Robin I cannot,  
He hath caught me about the middle;  
He hath me won, thou ●rt undone,  
Sweet Robin thou hast lost thy Fiddle.     

Of a Puritan, and a merry Fellow.  
A Company of Neighbours being merry together, by accident one of them was a Puritan, and one of the company by chance sneezing, as it is the common custom, some of the rest said, God bless you● The Puritans zeal being heated, told them, they spoke in vain, for they should have spoken before he had sneezed: A mad merry fellow hearing him say so, cried out, O I sneeze, I sneeze, Christ bless you, quoth the Precisian, with that the man routed out an ●gly Fart, whereat all the company laughed heartily, but the Puritan was forced to get him gone.   

Of a Citizen and his Son.  
A Citizen having invited many of his neighbours to supper, his son being one of the servitors, by chance reaching o● a glass of Wine over his father's shoulder, his father leaning suddenly backward, made his son to spill the Wine, and being very angry, gave his son a god box on the ●are, his son standing in a maze, yet recollecting his spirits, suddenly with his fist struck one of his neighbours that sat next to his Father; whereat the man amazed, so likewise all the company, demanded the reason, the youth readily replied, let it go round I pray you, and it will come to my father anon.   

Of a Gentleman and his Tenants  
A Gentleman in the Country, sitting in a Tavern with other Gentlemen, espied one of his Tenants in the streets, and beckoning to him, to have him come to him, telling the company, that they should see him put a good jest on his Tenant: well, in comes the old man, the Landlord took a cup of Wine, and drank to him, saying aloud, here's to you, and to all the Whores, Witches, Bawds, Knaves, and Rogues in the whole Kingdom; The poor deaf man, with his hat in his hand, answered, I thank your good worship (making many Legs) I pray you remember your Father and Mother, your good brothers and sisters, your pretty Children, and all the rest of your kindred; whereat all the company laughed heartily, but the Gentleman bit his lip for very anger.   

Of a fellow that stole a Pig.  
A Country fellow being deaf, having stolen a Pig, the Pig as their manner is, cried pitifully, but the deaf man seeing him only gape, as he thought, it makes no matter, said he, gape so long as thou wil●, so that thou dost not cry, but they that owed the Pig followed him, hearing him say so, told him, that if he used such tricks, it would spoil his gaping, and so took the Pig from him, and beat him sound.   

Of two thief's in Newgate.  
TWo Thiefs being brought to Newgate for theft, the one had stolen a Watch, the other a Mare, and having taken up their lodgings, the one of one side, the other of the other side, and being merrily disposed, says he that stole the Mare, thinking to put a trick on the other, call aloud, Jack, jack, what's a Clock by your Watched the other quick and wittily replied, It is almost time Tom to water your Mare.   

A witty answer of one in Newgate.  
ANother mad companion being brought to Newgate for some riot by hi● committed, and some of his old companions seeing him there, asked him, Why how now Will, with a vengeance how cam'st thou here? by my troth honest Ned, said he, any blind man might as easily have come here, as well as myself, for I was led.   

Of a Countryman coming up to London in the Tearm● time to end a suit in Law.  
A Country Farmer having been long in suit of Law, and put off from Term to Term, coming up at Mi●haelmas Term, thinking to end his business, was suddenly affronted by one of his neighbours, who ask him how all matters stood, the other answered, he hoped al● would be ended this Term: I am very sorry said the other, I shall tell you ill news; what said the other? why, your Cause is removed to Leichfield: Let them remove it to the Devil, I'll have a Lawyer to follow it.   

Of two stammerers, by chance meeting together.  
THere dwelled a Gentleman in Shropshire, that had a great imperfection in his speech, that when he had strove most to speak, he could not utter his words, but stammer much: This Gentleman going a hunting, by chance lo●t his Game, the Har●, and the Dogs, and meeting with a Countryman that stutred as fast as he, asked him if he did see, see, see, s, s, s, the Hare? the other striving to answer him, made such a many faces, striving to speak, n, n, n, no, no; the Gentleman out of his fury thinking he had mocked him, fell a beating him sound; but there was such stutring, and such faces betwixt them, that either thought the other did mock him: At length there came a neighbour of the Gentlemans by at the present, and perceiving the mistake in both of them, and very well knowing them both, told the Gentleman, that the poor man meant no hurt, and could speak no otherwise than himself: the Gentleman perceiving that it was the truth, craved pardon, and to the Ale they went, where they were made great friends; the Gentleman ever after remaining a very good friend to his fellowstammerer.   

Diog●nes his wish concerning Women.  
IT is written that Diogenes the Philosopher, did so much hate all Women, that one showing him where a Woman hanged herself upon a Tree, because she was jealous, finding her Maid's smock on ●he ●edge by her husband's ●hirt, Diogenes answered, ●errily laughing, I would ●hat all trees did bear such truite.   

Of a Welshman and an Englishman.  
ONe thinking to mock a Welsh man, because one of his Countrymen was hanged that day amongst other Englishmen, hit him in the teeth with it; it is true quoth the Welshman, but there were ten Englishmen hanged with him; and we ca● well afford one Welshman out of the way, as well as you can so many English.   

Of a Lawyer, and his Client.  
A Merry conceited Lawyer thinking to break a jest upon one of his Clients who had a rich face, called unto him, saying, you with the coppernose, what say you to me? truly answered the man, I say nothing but this, that I will not change my coppernose for your brazen face.   

Of a poor widow, and her son.  
ONce upon a time there was a poor Widow, whom her Husband had left very poor, and in Deb●; having one Son, a very untoward boy: the Quarter-day coming on, she could not tell how to make shift to pay her Rent, at la●t bethinking with herself what to do, she had three Kine, one of which she meant to sell; and therefore called her sonn● jack Spy, (for that was his name) bidding him to go to the Market, and sell such a Cow, at such a price at least; jack did as his Mother commanded him, but by the way, as he was driving the Cow, an old man asked him where he was going, jack replied, to the Market; Oh says the old man, if thou wilt give me the Cow, I will bestow on thee such a gift, that whatsoever thou bid'st stand, it shall stand still, till thou bidst it do the contrary: jack thinking himself a brave fellow to do such pranks, agreed, and so ●et the old man have his Cow: returning home to his Mother, telling her what brave things he could do, and all taught him for his Cow, the poor woman was almo●● out of her wits for this her son's idleness; ●yet hoping that he would not serve her so any more, sent him away the second time with another Cow; jack hasts him away to the Market, and going on singing, met with his old Chapman, which asked him, saying, How now jack? whither art thou going? jack said, to the Market, to sell my Cow: Oh says the old man, if thou wilt let me have thy Cow, I will give thee the bravest Rat that ever thou didst see, and if thou dost bid her go, and bite him Rat, she shall do it presently; beside, she shall show a great many more tricks to procure laughter; jack was very unwilling, remembering how he was served for the last fault; yet, seeing such pretty tricks of the Rat, jack thought once more to ve●ter his breech, and so let the man have the Cow, and home he comes to his Mother, thinking to please her with his Rat's tricks: the poor woman heereat was almost out of her wits, not knowing how to pay her Landlord, who was a very cruel man, fell about her son, and belaboured his J●cket● yet all this was nothing to her Rent, that sh●e must have, or else be turned out of doors: she had one Cow left, and calling her son jack to her, first rebuking him for his idleness, alleging her poverty, and how he and she were utterly undone.   

Of a Countrey-fellows honesty.  
A Young man who lived in the Country, came up to London, which was the first time of his being there; and having ended his business, departed from thence, and when ●e came near home, he met with his friend, telling him, he had been at London, and seen the Lord M●●or; Ay but said his friend, did he take any notice of thee? none at all said he, only I put off my Hat to him, and he did his duty to me.   

Of a Puritan.  
ONe of the Tribe coming into Newgatemarket to buy a Cheese of a Cheesemonger, & after he had seen two or three several Cheeses, the Ma●ter of the shop desired him to taste of them, to see which he liked best; and putting the taste of the Chee●e to his mouth, he put off his Hat, and began a long Grace, which the Cheesemonger seeing, ●n●tched up his Cheese, & said, Nay sir, since you, instead of a taste, mean to make a dinner of my cheese, you shall buy none of me, for I did not buy it after that rate.   

Of a Mayor of the Town of Quinborow.  
THe Mayor of the Town, would needs one day desire his brethren to accompany him to hunt the Hare; and as ●hey were at the sport, one of the Huntsmen came to the Mayor, and asked him, how he liked the Cry of the Hounds? a pox take the dogs saith Master Maior, they make such a bawling that I cannot hear the cry.   

Of a Fiddler.  
DIvers Gentlemen being a● ●s●ington to make merry, called for the Fidle●s● it ha●ned that one of ●he Fiddlers were blind, and staying so ●ewhat late at night, at last, they going away, one amongst the rest, called for the Tapster of the house to light the blind Fiddler down the stairs; to whom the fellow said, Sir, the Fiddler is blind; thou rogue, said one of the company, he hath need of the more light.   

Of a Sailer on Horseback.  
A Sailer riding one day between Rochester and Gravesend, and being not used to ride, the horse being all on sweat, and being to pass through a river; offered to water the horse before he rid him in so deep as the footlocke; one of his company s●eing him, and knowing the danger which might come to ●he horse, called upon him ●o ride in de●per; the o●her not knowing the rea●on, made him this answer, First stay till he hath drunk off all this, and then I will ride him in farther, where he may have his belly full.   

A Parish Clerks mistake.  
AN honest man, a Parish Clerk, and a Free man of the City o● Lo●don, and by profession a 〈◊〉 being bidde● b●●h● Preacher, before h● w●●● into the Pulpit, 〈◊〉 he found himself at the present not well t● s●●g a Psalm of som●●ength, I will, said he, an●●hus spoke aloud: I intreat● you good people, to sin● the Lamentation of a Skinner.   

Another of the like.  
IN some parish Churches, there be two Clerks, and it happened they fell both asleep in the Sermon time, the Sermon being ended; one that stood by them awaked them; presently one of them perceiving the Sermon done, spoke with a loud voice, and desired them to sing All people: the other Clerk hearing him, starts up, and says, Hang all people, sing me the hundred Psalm.   

Of a silly Mai●r.  
A Mayor of a Corporation in the North-Countrey, just upon the Death of Queen Elizabeth, took an occasion to call his brothers together in their Towne-hall, and to make a speech, what a good Queen they had lost, but wished them to take com●ort: for Pompey and Alexander were dead, and all the Nine Worldlings were dead, but none of all these were so good a Queen as she: and moreover, as Master Schoolmaster calls it, where there are no Justices of peace, and that no Officers have any power, but Majors, Bailiffs, and Constables, by reason of whi●h many Scabal-croes and varlets take opportunities to commit diverse outrages, and mutinies, hoping to scape unpunished; but saith he, if all other Magistrates will take that stri●t order that I purpose to do, there shall none of them all have the least hope of a resurrection.   

Of a● ignorant fellow.  
ONe having occ●sion to ride forth into the Country, to see some of his friends and acquaintance, chanced to meet with one of his friends servants, and demanded of him how his Master and Mistress did? they are both in good health said he, and where hast thou been? Why quoth he, my Master hath a Sow to be gelded, and I have been with my Cozen Sharp, to know when the Moon changed, and he told me, to morrow, at Eleven a Clock in the afternoon, at whose simplicity the other laughed exceedingly.   

Of an Apple-pye.  
ONe being a●ongst a company of good fellows, and espying a Costermonger that passed by, being very desirous to play with him for his basket of Pears, called him back, the Costermonger being more forward than wise, and having more Dice i● his pockets than Crowns in his purse, willingly pulled them out, and after some play, lost all his pears; the other had not so soon won them, but as willingly distributed them: a friend of his being in the presence, was angry with him for parting from them so slightly; Why, saith he, what should I have done with them? what should you have done with them, replied his friend, you should rather have taken them home to your wife, that she might have made some Apple-pyes for you● Children.   

Of young Urbanus going into the Cou●trey t● receive his Wife's P●rtion.  
YOung Vrba●us being newly married, and having never been in the country, would needs take a journey to fetch his wife's portion, leaving her at home to look to his house and servants; on the way, he chanced to meet with one, who unknown to him, had formerly bore good will to his wife, and hearing she was newly married, was going to her to make a revisit; Vrbanus glad to see one coming towards him, gave him the time of the day, and being overjoyed to hear the birds sing so sweetly, made him break out into these words; O Sir, I am almost ravished to hear these sweet and melodious tunes, which proceed from yonder pretty birds, wondering much, likewise, that they have so much wit to observe the time and season of the year; it is no matter of wonder, said the other, to hear them so pleasant in the spring, but you being a stranger in these things, do well to apply your ●are so diligently to their sounds, which I hope may be so profitable unto you; that yourself may learn to sing Cuckoo in your return.   

Of three Countrymen being come up to London, and their usage there.  
THree Countrymen having occasion to come up to London to the Term, when there was but a small sickness, they were yet somewhat afraid where they should lie when they came, and calling to mind a Gentleman that had been somewhat beholding to them a little before, when he was in those parts, thought it not amiss, if they could, to get a lodging at his house; this resolved on, they no sooner came into the City, but by chance met with him, and after their salutation, one of them thus began: Sir, the danger of the time, and fear of the sickness, makes us doubtful where to lodge, being strangers; but if we may desire so much favour of you, as to help us to some place convenient far our short stay, we will not only be thankful i● words, but study to deserve it in deeds: The Gentleman hearing this, (yet did expect nothing) took them home with him, and entertained them with much respect; at length when they had done what they could in the Court, they were willing to dismiss themselves and return homeward; so taking their leave of the Gentleman; nay, saith he, I will ●bring you to the Town's end, and would gladly show you some sights, if you stayed longer, but now Hcan show you none, without your hindrance, only in your way, I can show you a couple of Baboons and a Jackanapes, they being very desirous to s●e the sight; whereupon, he pulled out a Looking-glass, and bad each of them look into that.   

Of three Country men coming to the Royal Exchange.  
TWo or three Country people being at London, and being brought by some of their friends to see the Royal Exchange, they staring up, saw the Kings and Queens round about them, and wondering what they should be, asked one of their acquaintance which came along with them, what those were? He made answer, and told them, that they were all the Kings and Que●nes, that had ever been in this Land: I says the other, than I do intend to put off my hat with all speed, for fear I should be suspected of Treason, being, as I think in the Presence Chamber.   

Of Cou●trey men that went to see sights in London.  
THree or four plain Fellows coming to see sights, desired to see the Tower, one of their friends told them, I will go with you, and you ●hall see the Lions too; when they entered, the room smelled very strong; one of them said presently, I think this pl●ce be invincible, why so said the other? why neighbour says he, do you think that ever such creatures as these, will yield up to the enemy?   

Of a silly fellow that saw the ships lie at Anchor.  
ONe coming to the Thames side, saw many●lusty ships lie at Anchor, and having never seen any before, wondered with himself what they should be, and at last ask a fellow that stood by, what they were? to whom he answered, that they were the Merchant's Forest, or wood; it may very well be so indeed, saith he, but ●e tell you Si●, I have often mused what became of the great Forest in our Country, and now I see that our ground was too dry to nourish them, and ●o belike they have set them to grow here.   

Of two or three conferring together.  
THree or four Gentlemen meeting together, they were discoursing busily about the Fast, being a Wednesday: What says one, there will be a Sermon on Wednesday at St. Paul's; no, ●aies another, not so, because it is contrary to the Proclamation; Tush, says another, what if GoodFry day should fall upon a Wednesday, should we not then have a Sermon think ye? nay says the other I cannot resolve you of that point Gentlemen; faith says the third, for aught I know, if the Sickness continue, we are not like to have a Passion Sermon, because the Fast is very like to be on that day.   

Of a Country-fellow selling an Horse.  
A Country-fellow having an Horse to sell, one came to him, and did ask him how old he was, and of what price, the other answered, that he was eight, and his price was Twelve pound; saith the other, is he as good as you say he is, and no older? Faith saith the other, he is as good an Horse as ever wore shoe of leather, and I know him to be better now, than h●e was Nine years ago.   

Of two or three going to hear a Sermon.  
TWo or three coming into a P●rishChurch in London, a Puritan being to preach, to hear 〈◊〉 Sermon, the one said to the other, let us stay all the time, fo● he that preaches, is a worthy zealous Teacher: well, staying a while to hear P●ayers, and marking how he minced it, and did not read half of it, away went he, his friends wondering at his departure; he told them, how is it possible that he should preach so well, when he can pray no better? but the other told him, that he did not care for the book of Common prayer, because he thought it to be Popish; the other answered, nor I for his Sermon then, because I think it will be foolish.  
FINIS.