ALL fools A Comedy, Presented at the Black Friars, And lately before his Majesty. Written by George Chapman.  
AT LONDON, Printed for Thomas Thorpe. 1605.   

Actors.  

Gostanzo. Knights.  
Mar. Antonio. Knights.  
Valerio, son to Gostanzo.  
Fortunio, elder son to Marc. Antonio.  
Rinaldo, the younger.  
Dariotto. Courtiers.  
Claudio. Courtiers.  
Cornelio, A startup Gentleman.  
Curio, a Page.  
kite, a Scrivener.  
France's Pock, a Surgeon.  
Gazetta, wife to Cor:  
Bellonora, daughter to Gostanzo.  
Gratiana Stolen wife to Valerio.    

Prologus.  

THe fortune of a Stage (like Fortunes: self)  
Amazeth greatest judgements: And none knows  
The hidden causes of those strange effects,  
That rise from this Hell, or fall from this Heaven:  
Who can show cause, why your wits, that in-aim  
At higher Objects, scorn to compose Plays;  
(Though we are sure they could, would they vouchsafe it?)  
Should (without means to make) judge better far,  
Than those that make, and yet ye see they can;  
For without your applause, wretched is he  
That undertakes the Stage, and he's more blessed,  
That with your glorious favours can contest.   

Who can show cause, why th'ancient Comic vain  
Of Eupolis and Cratinus (now reviv'd,  
Subject to personal application)  
Should be exploded by some bitter spleens?  
Yet merely Comical, and harmless jests  
(Though near so witty) be esteemed but toys,  
If void of th' other satyrisms sauce?   

Who can show cause why quick Venerean jests,  
Should sometimes ravish? sometimes fall far short,  
Of the just length and pleasure of your ears?  
When our pure Dames, think them much less obscene,  
Than those that win your Panegyric spleen?  
But our poor dooms (alas) you know are nothing;  
To your inspired censure, ever we  
Must needs submit, and there's the mystery.   

Great are the gifts given to united heads,  
To gifts, attire, to fair attire, the stage  
Helps much, for if our other audience see  
You on the stage depart before we end,  
Our wits go with you all, and we are fools;  
So Fortune governs in these stage events,  
That merit bears least sway in most contents.  
Auriculas Asini quis non habet?  
How we shall then appear, we must refer  
To Magic of your dooms, that never err.    
All Fools.  

Actus primi.  
Scaena prima.  Enter Rynaldo, Fortunio, Valerio. Ryn. 

CAn one self cause, in subjects so a like  
As you two are, produce effect so unlike?  
One like the Turtle, all in mournful strains,  
Wailing his fortunes? Th'other like the Lark  
Mounting the sky in shrill and cheerful notes,  
Chanting his joys aspired, and both for love:  
In one, love raiseth by his violent heat,  
Moist vapours from the heart into the eyes,  
From whence they drown his breast in daily showers;  
In th'other, his divided power infuseth  
Only a temperate and most kindly warmth,  
That gives life to those fruits of wit and virtue,  
Which the unkind hand of an uncivil father,  
Had almost nipped in the delightsome blossom.   For. 

O brother love rewards our services  
With a most partial and injurious hand,  
If you consider well our different fortunes:  
Valerio loves, and joys the dame he loves:  
I love, and never can enjoy the sight  
Of her I love, so far from conquering  
In my desires assault, that I can come  
To lay no battery to the Fort I seek;  
All passages to it, so strongly kept,  
By strait guard of her Father.   Ryn. 

I dare swear,  
If just desert in love measured reward,  
Your fortune should exceed Valerio's far:  
For I am witness (being your Bed fellow)  
Both to the daily and the nightly service,  
You do unto the deity of love,  
In vows, sighs, tears, and solitary watches,  
He never serves him with such sacrifice,  
Yet hath his Bow and shafts at his command:  
loves service is much like our humorous Lords;  
Where Minions carry more than Servitors,  
The bold and careless servant still obtains:  
The modest and respective, nothing gains;  
You never see your love, unless in dreams,  
He, Hymen puts in whole possession:  
What different stars reigned when your loves were borne,  
He forced to wear the Willow, you the horn?  
But brother, are you not ashamed to make  
yourself a slave to the base Lord of love,  
Be got of Fancy, and of Beauty borne?  
And what is Beauty? a mere Quintessence,  
Whose life is not in being, but in seeming;  
And therefore is not to all eyes the same,  
But like a cozening picture, which one way  
Shows like a Crow, another like a Swan:  
And upon what ground is this Beauty drawn?  
Upon a Woman, a most brittle creature,  
And would to God (for my part) that were all.   Fort. 
But tell me brother, did you never love?  Ryn. 

You know I did, and was beloved again,  
And that of such a Dame, as all men deemed  
Honoured, and made me happy in her favours,  
Exceeding fair she was not; and yet fair  
In that she never studied to be fairer  
Than Nature made her; Beauty cost her nothing,  
Her virtues were so rare, they would have made  
An Aethiop beautiful: At least, so thought  
By such as stood aloof, and did observe her  
With credulous eyes? But what they were indeed  
I'll spare to blaze, because I loved her once,  
Only I found her such, as for her sake  
I vow eternal wars against their whole sex,  
Inconstant shuttlecocks, loving fools, and jesters;  
Men rich in dirt, and titles sooner won  
With the most vile, than the most virtuous:  
Found true to none: if one amongst whole hundreds  
Chance to be chaste, she is so proud withal,  
Way ward and rude, that one of unchaste life,  
Is oftentimes approved, a worthier wife:  
undressed, sluttish, nasty, to their husbands,  
Sponged up, adorned, and painted to their lovers:  
All day in ceaseless uproar with their households,  
If all the night their husbands have not pleased them,  
Like hounds, most kind, being beaten and abused,  
Like wolves, most cruel, being kindliest used.   For. 
Fie, thou profanest the deity of their sex.  Ry. 

Brother I read, that Egypt heretofore,  
Had Temples of the riches frame on earth;  
Much like this goodly edifice of women,  
With Alabaster pillars were those Temples,  
Upheld and beautified, and so are women:  
Most curiously glazed, and so are women;  
Cunningly painted too, and so are women;  
In outside wondrous heavenly, so are women:  
But when a stranger viewed those phanes within,  
In stead of Gods and Goddesses, he should find  
A painted fowl, a fury, or a serpent,  
And such celestial inner parts have women.   Val. 

Rinaldo, the poor Fox that lost his tail,  
Persuaded others also to lose theirs:  
thyself, for one perhaps that for desert  
Or some defect in thy attempts refused thee,  
revil'st the whole sex, beauty, love and all:  
I tell thee, Love, is Nature's second son,  
Causing a spring of virtues where he shines,  
And as without the Sun, the World's great eye,  
All colours, beauties, both of Art and Nature,  
Are given in vain to men, so without love  
All beauties bred in women are in vain;  
All virtues borne in men lie buried,  
For love informs them as the Sun doth colours,  
And as the Sun reflecting his warm beams  
Against the earth, begets all fruits and flowers:  
So love, fair shining in the inward man,  
Brings forth in him the honourable fruits  
Of valour, wit, virtue, and haughty thoughts,  
Brave resolution, and divine discourse:  
O 'tis the Paradise, the heaven of earth,  
And didst thou know the comfort of two hearts,  
In one delicious harmony united?  
As to joy one joy, and think both one thought,  
Live both one life, and therein double life:  
To see their souls met at an interview  
In their bright eyes, at parley in their lips,  
Their language kisses: And t'observe the rest,  
Touches, embraces, and each circumstance  
Of all loves most unmatched ceremonies:  
Thou wouldst abhor thy tongue for blasphemy,  
O who can comprehend how sweet love tastes,  
But he that hath been present at his feasts?   Ryn. 

Are you in that vain too Valerio?  
'twere fitter you should be about your charge,  
How Blow and Cart goes forward: I have known  
Your joys were all employed in husbandry,  
Your study was how many loads of hay  
A meadow of so many acres yielded;  
How many Oxen such a close would fat?  
And is your rural service now converted  
From Pan to Cupid? and from beasts to women?  
O if your father knew this, what a lecture  
Of bitter castigation he would read you?   Val. 

My father? why my father? does he think  
To rob me of myself? I hope I know  
I am a Gentleman, though his covetous humour  
And education hath transformed me Baily,  
And made me overseer of his pastures,  
I'll be myself, in spite of husbandry.   Enter Gratiana. 

And see bright heaven here comes my husbandry, Amplectitur eam.  
Here shall my cattle graze, here Nectar drink,  
Here will I hedge and ditch, here hide my treasure,  
O poor Fortunio, how wouldst thou triumph,  
If thou enjoyd'st this happiness with my Sister?   For. 
I were in heaven if once 'twere come to that.  Ryn. 

And methinks 'tis my heaven that I am past it,  
And should the wretched Machevilian,  
The covetous knight your father see this sight  
Lusty Valerio.   Val. 

'sfoot Sir if he should,  
He shall perceive ere long my skill extends  
To something more, then sweaty husbandry.   Ryn. 

I'll bear thee witness, thou canst skill of dice,  
Cards, tennis, wenching, dancing, and what not?  
And this is something more than husbandry:  
thouart known in Ordinaries, and Tobacco shops,  
Trusted in Taverns and in vaulting houses,  
And this is something more than husbandry:  
Yet all this while, thy father apprehends thee  
For the most tame and thrifty Groom in Europe.   For. 

Well, he hath ventured on a marriage  
Would quite undo him, did his father know it.   Ryn. 

Know it? alas Sir where can he bestow  
This poor Gentlewoman he hath made his wife,  
But his inquisitive father will hear of it?  
Who, like the dragon to th'Hesperian fruit,  
Is to his haunts? slight hence, the old knight comes.   Gost. 
Rinaldo.  Intrat Gostanzo. Omnes aufugiunt. Ry. 

whose's that calls? what Sir Gostanzo?  
How fares your Knighthood Sir?   Gost. 

Say who was that  
Shrunk at my entry here? was't not your brother?   Ryn. 
He shrunk not sir, his business called him hence.  Gost. 
And was it not my son that went out with him?  Ryn. 

I saw not him, I was in serious speech  
About a secret business with my brother.   Gost. 

Sure 'twas my son, what made he here? I sent him  
About affairs to be dispatched in haste.   Ryn. 

Well sir, lest silence breed unjust suspect,  
I'll tell a secret I am sworn to keep,  
And crave your honoured assistance in it.   Gost. 
What be't Rinaldo?  Ryn. 
This sir, 'twas your son.  Gost. 
And what young gentlewoman graced their company?  Ryn. 

Thereon depends the secret I must utter:  
That gentle woman hath my brother married.   Gost. 
Married? what is she?  Ryn. 

Faith sir, a gentlewoman:  
But her unusuring dowry must be told  
Out of her beauty.   Gost. 

Is it true Rinaldo?  
And does your father understand so much?   Ryn. 

That was the motion sir, I was entreating  
Your son to make to him, because I know  
He is well spoken, and may much prevail  
In satisfying my father, who much loves him,  
Both for his wisdom and his husbandry.   Gost. 

Indeed he's one can tell his tale I tell you,  
And for his husbandry.   Ryn. 

O sir, had you heard,  
What thrifty discipline he gave my brother,  
For making choice without my father's knowledge,  
And without riches, you would have admired him.   Gost. 
Nay, nay, I know him well, but what was it?  Ryn. 

That in the choice of wives men must respect  
The chief wife, riches, that in every course  
A man's chief lodestar should shine out of riches,  
Love nothing heartily in this world but riches;  
Cast off all friends, all studies, all delights,  
All honesty, and religion for riches:  
And many such, which wisdom sure he learned  
Of his experient father; yet my brother,  
So soothes his rash affection, and presumes  
So highly on my father's gentle nature,  
That he's resolved to bring her home to him,  
And like enough he will.   Gost. 

And like enough.  
Your silly father too, will put it up,  
An honest knight, but much too much indulgent  
To his presuming children.   Ryn. 

What a difference  
Doth interpose itself, twixt him and you?  
Had your son used you thus?   Gost. 

My son? alas  
I hope to bring him up in other fashion,  
Follows my husbandry, sets early foot  
Into the world; he comes not at the city,  
Nor knows the city Arts.   Ryn. 
But dice and wenching.  Auersus. Gost. 

Acquaints himself with no delight but getting,  
A perfect pattern of sobriety,  
Temperance and husbandry to all my household,  
And what's his company I pray? not wenches.   Ryn. 

Wenches? I durst be sworn he never smelled a wench's breath  
Yet, but methinks 'twere fit you sought him out a wife.   Gost. 

A wife Rinaldo?  
He dares not look a woman in the face.   Ryn. 
'sfoot hold him to one, your son such a sheep?  Gost. 
'tis strange in earnest.  Ryn. 

Well sir, though for my thriftless brother's sake,  
I little care how my wronged father takes it,  
Yet for my father's quiet, if yourself  
Would join hands with your wife and toward Son,  
I should deserve it some way.   Gost. 

Good Rinaldo,  
I love you and your father, but this matter  
Is not for me to deal in: And 'tis needless,  
You say your brother is resolved, presuming  
Your father will allow it.   Enter Marcantonio. Ryn. 

See my father, since you are resolute not to move him Sir,  
In any case conceal the secret Absconditse,  
By way of an atonement let me pray you will.   Gost. 
Upon mine honour.  Ryn. 
Thanks Sir.  Mar. 
God save thee honourable Knight Gostanzo.  Gost. 

Friend Marc. Antonio? welcome, and I think  
I have good news to welcome you withal.   Ryn. 
He cannot hold.  Mar. 
What news I pray you Sir?  Gost. 

You have a forward, valiant eldest Son,  
But wherein is his forwardness, and valour?   Mar. 
I know not where in you intend him so.  Gost. 

Forward before, valiant behind, his duty,  
That he hath dared before your due consent  
To take a wife.   Mar. 
A wife sir? what is she?  Gost. 

One that is rich enough, her hair pure Amber,  
Her forehead mother of pearl, her fair eyes  
Two wealthy diamonds: her lips, mines of Rubies:  
Her tooth, are orient pearl; her neck, pure ivory.   Mar. 

Jest not good Sir, in an affair so serious,  
I love my son, and if his youth reward me  
With his contempt of my consent in marriage:  
'tis to be feared that his presumption builds not  
Of his good choice, that will bear out itself,  
And being bad, the news is worse than bad.   Gost. 
What call you bad? is it bad to be poor?  Mar. 

The world accounts it so; but if my soon  
Have in her birth and virtues held his choice,  
Without disparagement, the salt is less.   Gost. 

Sits the wind there? blows there so calm a gale  
From a contemned and deserved anger?  
Are you so easy to be disobeyed?   Mar. 

What should I do? if my enamoured son  
Have been so forward; I assure myself  
He did it more to satisfy his love,  
Than to incense my hate, or to neglect me.   Gost. 

A passing kind construction; suffer this,  
You open him doors to any villainy,  
He'll dare to sell, to pawn, run ever riot,  
Despise your love in all, and laugh at you:  
And that knight's competency you have gotten  
With care and labour; he with lust and idleness  
Will bring into the stipend of a beggar;  
All to maintain a wanton whirligig,  
Worth nothing more than she brings on her back,  
Yet all your wealth too little for that back:  
By heaven I pity your declining state,  
For be assured your son hath set his foot,  
In the right pathway to consumption:  
Up to the heart in love; and for that love,  
Nothing can be too dear his love desires:  
And how insatiate and unlimited,  
Is the ambition and the beggarly pride  
Of a dame hoist from a beggars state,  
To a state competent and plentiful,  
You cannot be so simple not to know.   Mar. 

I must confess the mischief: But alas  
Where is in me the power of remedy?   Gost. 

Where? in your just displeasure: cast him off,  
Receive him not, let him endure the use  
Of their enforced kindness that must trust him  
For meat and money, for apparel, house,  
And every thing belongs to that estate,  
Which he must learn with want of misery,  
Since pleasure and a full estate hath blinded  
His dissolute desires.   Mar. 

What should I do?  
If I should banish him my house and sight,  
What desperate resolution might it breed?  
To run into the wars, and there to live  
In want of competency and perhaps  
Taste th'unrecoverable loss of his chief limbs,  
Which while he hath in peace, at home with me,  
May with his spirit, ransom his estate  
From any loss his marriage can procure.   Gost. 

be't true? x let him run into the war,  
And lose what limbs he can: better one branch  
Be lopped away, than all the whole tree should perish:  
And for his wants, better young want then old,  
You have a younger son at Padua,  
I like his learning well, make him your heir,  
And let your other walk: let him buy wit  
at's own charge, not at's fathers, if you lose him,  
You lose no more than that was lost before,  
If you recover him, you find a son.   Mar. 
I cannot part with him.  Gost. 

If it be so, and that your love to him be so extreme,  
In needful dangers, ever choose the least:  
If he should be in mind to pass the Seas,  
Your son Rinaldo (who told me all this)  
Will tell me that, and so we shall prevent it:  
If by no stern course you will venture that,  
Let him come home to me with his fair wife:  
And if you chance to see him, shake him up,  
As if your wrath were hard to be reflected,  
That he may fear hereafter to offend  
In other dissolute courses: At my house  
With my advice and my sons good example,  
Who shall serve as a glass for him to see  
His faults, and mend them to his precedent:  
I make no doubt but of a dissolute Son  
And disobedient, to send him home  
Both dutiful and thrifty,   Mar. 

O Gostanzo!  
Could you do this, you should preserve yourself,  
A perfect friend of me, and me a Son.   Gost. 

Remember you your part, and fear not mine:  
Rate him, revile him, and renounce him too:  
Speak, can you do't man?   Mar. 
I'll do all I can.  Exit Mar. Gost. 
alas good man, how Nature overweighs him.  Rynaldo comes forth. Ryn. 
God save you Sir.  Gost. 

Rinaldo, All the News  
You told me as a secret, I perceive  
Is passing common; for your Father knows it,  
The first thing he related, was the Marriage.   Ryn. 
And was extremely moved?  Gost. 

Beyond all measure:  
But I did all I could to quench his fury:  
Told him how easy 'twas for a young man  
To run that Amorous course: and though his choice  
Were nothing rich, yet she was gently borne,  
Well qualified and beautiful: But he still  
Was quite relentless, and would needs renounce him.   Ryn. 

My Brother knows it well, and is resolved  
To trail a Pike in Field, rather than bide  
The more feared push of my vexed Father's fury.   Gost. 

Indeed that's one way: but are no more means  
Left to his fine wits, then t'incense his Father  
With a more violent rage, and to redeem  
A great offence with greater?   Ryn. 

So I told him:  
But to a desperate mind all breath is lost,   Gost. 

Go to, let him be wise, and use his friends,  
Amongst whom, I'll be foremost to his Father:  
Without this desperate error he intends  
joined to the other; I'll not doubt to make his  
easy return into his Father's favour:  
So he submit himself, as duty binds him:  
For Fathers will be known to be themselves,  
And often when their angers are not deep,  
Will paint an outward Rage upon their looks.   Rin. 

All this I told him Sir; but what says he?  
I know my Father will not be reclaimed,  
he'll think that if he wink at this offence,  
'twill open doors to any villainy:  
I'll dare to sell to pawn, and run all riot,  
To laugh at all his patience, and consume  
All he hath purchased to an honoured purpose,  
In maintenance of a wanton Whirligig,  
Worth nothing more than she wears on her back.   Gost. 

The very words I used t'incense his Father,  
But good Rinaldo let him be advised:  
How would his Father grieve, should he be maimed,  
Or quite miscarry in the ruthless war?   Rin. 

I told him so; but better far (said he)  
One branch should utterly be lopped away,  
Than the whole Tree of all his race should perish:  
And for his wants, better young want, than eld.   Gost. 

By heaven the same words still I used t'his Father.  
Why comes this about? Well, good Rinaldo,  
If he dare not endure his Father's looks,  
Let him and his fair wife come home to me,  
Till I have qualified his Father's passion,  
He shall be kindly welcome, and be sure  
Of all the intercession I can use.   Rin. 

I thank you sir, I'll try what I can do,  
Although I fear me I shall strive in vain.   Gost. 
Well, try him, try him.  Exit. Rin. 

Thanks sir, so I will.  
See, this old politic dissembling Knight,  
Now he perceives my Father so affectionate,  
And that my brother may hereafter live  
By him and his, with equal use of either,  
He will put on a face of hollow friendship.  
But this will prove an excellent ground to sow  
The seed of mirth amongst us; I 'll go seek  
Valerio and my brother, and tell them  
Such news of their affairs, as they'll admire.   Exit. Enter Gazetta, Bellonora, Gratiana. Gaze. 

How happy are your fortunes above mine?  
Both still being wood and courted still so feeding  
On the delights of love, that still you find  
An appetite to more; where I am cloyed,  
And being bound to love sports, care not for them.   Bell. 

That is your fault Gazetta, we have Loves  
And wish continual company with them.  
In honoured marriage rites, which you enjoy.  
But seld or never can we get a look  
Of those we love, Fortunio my dear choice  
Dare not be known to love me, nor come near  
My Father's house, where I as in a prison  
Consume my lost days, and the tedious nights,  
My Father guarding me for one I hate  
And Gratiana here my brother's love,  
joys him by so much stealth, that vehement fear  
Drinks up the sweetness of their stolen delights:  
Where you enjoy a husband, and may freely  
Perform all obsequies you desire to love.   Gaze. 

Indeed I have a husband, and his love  
Is more than I desire, being vainly jealous:  
Extremes, though contrary, have the like effects,  
Extremes heat mortifies like extreme cold:  
Extreme love breeds satiety as well  
As extreme Hatred: and too violent rigour,  
Tempts chastity as much, as too much Licence:  
There's no man's eye fixed on me but doth pierce  
My husbands soul: If any take my welfare?  
He straight doubts Treason practised to his bed:  
Fancies but to himself all likelihoods  
Of my wrong to him, and lays all on me  
For certain truths; yet seeks he with his best,  
To put Disguise on all his jealousy,  
Fearing perhaps, lest it may teach me that,  
Which otherwise I should not dream upon:  
Yet lives he still abroad, at great expense,  
Turns merely Gallant from his farmer's state,  
uses all Games and recreations:  
Runs Races with the Gallants of the Court,  
Feasts them at home, and entertains them costly,  
And then upbraids me with their company:   Enter Cornelio. 
See see, we shallbe troubled with him now.  Cor. 

Now ladies, what plots have we now in hand?  
They say, when only one Dame is alone,  
She plots some mischief; but if three together,  
They plot three hundred: Wife, the Air is sharp,  
you'd best to take the house lest you take cold.   Gaz. 
alas this time of year yields no such danger,  Cor. 
Go, in I say; a friend of yours attends you.  Gaz. 
He is of your bringing, and may stay.  Cor. 
Nay stand not chopping Logic; in I pray.  Gaz. 

Ye see, Gentle women, what my happiness is,  
These humours reign in marriage; humours, humours.   Exit, he followeth. Gra 

Now by my Sooth I am no fortune teller,  
And would be loath to prove so; yet pronounce  
This at adventure, that 'twere indecorum  
This heifer should want horns.   Bell. 

Fie on this Love,  
I rather wish to want, then purchase so.   Gra. 

In deed such Love is like a Smoky fire  
In a cold morning; though the Fire be cheerful,  
Yet is the Smoke so sour and cumbersome,  
'twere better lose the Fire, then find the Smoke:  
Such an attendant then as Smoke to Fire,  
Is Jealousy to Love: Better want both,  
Then have both.   Enter Ualerio and Fortunio. Ual. 

Come Fortunio, now take hold  
On this occasion, as myself on this:  
One couple more would make a barleybreak.   For. 

I fear Valerio, we shall break too soon,  
Your Father's jealousy Spy-all, will displease us.   Val. 

Well Wench, the day will come his Argus eyes  
Will shut, and thou shalt open: 'sfoot, I think  
Dame Nature's memory begins to fail her:  
If I write but my Name in Mercers Books,  
I am as sure to have at six months' end  
A rascal at my elbow with his Mace,  
As I am sure my Fathers not far hence:  
My Father yet hath ought Dame Nature debt  
These threescore years and ten, yet calls not on him:  
But if she turn her Debt-book over once,  
And finding him her debtor, do but send  
Her Sergeant john Death to arrest his body,  
Our Souls shall rest Wench then, And the free Light  
Shall triumph in our faces; where now Night,  
In imitation of my Father's frowns,  
lowers at our meeting:   Enter Rinald. 
See where the Scholar comes.  Rin. 
Down on your knees; poor lovers reverence learning  For. 
I pray thee why Rinaldo?  Rin. 

Mark what cause  
Flows from my depth of knowledge to your love,  
To make you kneel and bless me while you live.   Ual. 
I pray thee good Scholars give us cause.  Rin. 

Mark then, erect your ears: you know what horror  
Would fly on your love from your father's frowns,  
If he should know it. And your sister here,  
(My brother's sweet heart) knows as well what rage  
Would seize his powers for her, if he should know  
My brother wooed her, or that she loved him,  
Is not this true? speak all.   Omn. 
All this is true.  Rin. 

It is as true that now you meet by stealth  
In depth of midnight, kissing out at grates,  
Clime over walls. And all this I 'll reform.   Vale. 
By Logic.  Rin. 

Well sir, you shall have all means  
To live in one house, eat and drink together,  
Meet and kiss your fills.   Ual. 
All this by learning?  Rin. 
ay, and your frowning father know all this.  Val. 
I marry, small learning may prove that.  Rin. 

Nay he shall know it, and desire it too,  
Welcome my Brother to him, and your wife,  
Entreating both to come and dwell with him.  
Is not this strange?   For. 
I too strange to be true.  Rin. 

'tis in this head shall work it: Therefore hear;  
Brother this Lady you must call your wife,  
For I have told her sweet heart's Father here  
That she is your wife; and because my Father  
(Who now believes it) must be quieted  
Before you see him, you must live a while  
As husband to her, in his Father's house.  
Valerio here's a simple mean for you  
To lie at rack and manger with your wedlock  
And brother, for yourself to meet as freely.  
With this your long desired and barred love.   For. 
You make us wonder.  Rin. 

Peace, be ruled by me,  
And you shall see to what a perfect shape  
I 'll bring this rude Plot, which blind Chance (the Ape  
Of Counsel advice) hath brought forth blind.  
Valerio, can your heat of love forbear  
Before your Father, and allow my Brother  
To use some kindness to your wife before him?   Ual. 

I before him, I do not greatly care,  
Nor anywhere in deed; my Sister here  
Shall be my spy: if she will wrong herself,  
And give her right to my wife, I am pleased.   For. 

My dearest life I know, will never fear  
Any such will or thought in all my powers:  
When I court her then, think I think 'tis thee:  
When I embrace her, hold thee in mine Arms:  
Come, let us practise 'gainst we see your Father.   Ual. 

Soft Sir, I hope you need not do it yet,  
Let me take this time.   Rin. 
Come, you must not touch her.  Ual. 
No not before my Father?  Rin. 

No nor now,  
Because you are so soon to practise it;  
For I must bring them to him presently.  
Take her Fortunio; go, hence man and wife,  
we will attend you rarely with fixed faces.  
Valerio keep your countenance, and conceive  
Your Father in your forged sheepishness,  
Who thinks thou dar'st not look upon a Wench,  
Nor knowest at which end to begin to kiss her.   Exeunt. 
Finis Actus Prima.   

Actus secundi,  
Scaena prima.  Gostanzo, Marcantonio. Gost. 

It is your own too simple lenity,  
And doting indulgence shown to him still  
That thus hath taught your Son to be no Son,  
As you have used him, therefore so you have him:  
Durst my Son thus turn rebel to his duty,  
Steal up a match shuting his estate  
Without all knowledge of or friend or father;  
And to make that good with a worse offence  
resolve to run beyond Sea to the wars.  
Durst my Son serve me thus? well, I have stayed him,  
Though much against my disposition,  
And this hour I have set for his repair,  
With his young mistress and concealed wife,  
And in my house here they shall sojourn both  
Till your black anger's storm be overblown.   Mar. 

My anger's storm? Ah poor Fortunio,  
One gentle word from thee would soon resolve  
The storm of my rage to a shower of tears.   Gost. 

In that vain still? well Marcantonio,  
Gur old acquaintance and long neighbourhood  
Ties my affection to you, and the good  
Of your whole house; in kind regard whereof  
I have advised you for your credit's sake,  
And for the tender welfare of your son,  
To frown on him a little; if you do not  
But at first parley take him to your favour,  
I protest utterly to renounce all care  
Of you and yours, and all your amities.  
They say he's wretched that out of himself  
Cannot draw counsel to his proper weal,  
But he's thrice wretched that has neither counsel  
Within himself, nor apprehension  
Of counsel for his own good, from another.   Mar. 

Well, I will arm myself against this weakness  
The best I can; I long to see this Helen  
That hath enchanted my young Paris thus,  
And's like to set all our poor Trope on fire.   Enter Valerio with a Page. Marc. retires himself. Gost. 

Here comes my Son; withdraw, take up your stand,  
You shall hear odds betwixt your Son and mine.   Val. 

Tell him I can not do't: Shall I be made  
A foolish Novice, my Purse set a broach  
By every cheating come you seven? to lend  
My Money and be laughed at? tell him plain  
I profess Husbandry, and will not play  
The Prodigal like him, 'gainst my profession.   Gost. 
Here's a Son.  Mar. 
An admirable spark.  Page. 
Well sir, I'll tell him so.  Exit Page. Ual. 

'sfoot, let him lead  
A better husband's life, and live not idly,  
Spending his time, his coin, and self on Wenches.   Gost. 
Why what's the matter Son?  Ual. 

Cry mercy Sir; why there comes messengers  
From this and that brave Gallant: and such Gallants,  
As I protest I saw but through a Grate.   Gost. 
And what's this Message?  Val. 

Faith Sir, he's disappointed  
Of payments; and disfurnished of means present:  
If I would do him the kind office therefore  
To trust him but some seven-night with the keeping  
Of forty Crowns for me, he deeply swears  
As he's a Gentleman, to discharge his trust,  
And that I shall eternally endear him  
To my wished service, he protests and contests.   Gost. 

Good words Valerio; but thou art too wise  
To be deceived by breath: I'll turn thee lose  
To the most cunning Cheater of them all.   Ual. 

'sfoot, he's not ashamed beside to charge me  
With a late Promise: I must yield in deed,  
I did (to shift him with some contentment)  
Make such a frival promise.   Gost. 

ay, well done,  
Promises are no Fetters: with that tongue  
Thy promise past, unpromise it again.  
Wherefore has Man a Tongue, of power to speak,  
But to speak still to his own private purpose?  
Beasts utter but one sound; but Men have change  
Of speech and Reason, even by Nature given them:  
Now to say one thing, and another now,  
As best may serve their profitable ends.   Mar. 
by’r lady sound instructions to a Son.  Ual. 
Nay Sir, he makes his claim by debt of friendship.  Gost. 

Tush, Friendship's but a Term boy: the fond world  
Like to a doting Mother glazes over  
Her Children's imperfections with fine terms:  
What she calls Friendship and true human kindness,  
Is only want of true Experience:  
Honesty is but a defect of Wit,  
Respect but mere Rusticity and Clownery.   Mar. 

Better and better.  
Soft, here comes my Son.   Enter Fortunion, Rinaldo, and Gratiana. Rin. 

Fortunio, keep your countenance: See sir here  
The poor young married couple, which you pleased  
To send for to your house.   Gost. 

Fortunio welcome,  
And in that welcome I employ your wives,  
Who I am sure you count your second self.   He kisses her. For. 

Sir, your right noble favours do exceed  
All power of worthy gratitude by words,  
That in your care supply my Father's place.   Gost. 

Fortunio, I can not choose but love you,  
Being Son to him who long time I have loved:  
From whose just anger, my house shall protect you,  
Till I have made a calm way to your meetings.   For. 

I little thought Sir, that my Father's love  
Would take so ill, so sleight a fault as this.   Gost. 

Call you it sleight? Nay though his spirit take it  
In higher manner than for your loved sake,  
I would have wished him; yet I make a doubt,  
Had my Son done the like, if my affection  
Would not have turned to more spleen, than your Fathers:  
And yet I qualify him, all I can,  
And doubt not but that time and my persuasion,  
Will work out your excuse: since youth and love  
Were th'unresisted organies to seduce you:  
But you must give him leave, for Fathers must  
Be won by penitence and submission,  
And not by force or opposition.   For. 

alas Sir, what advise you me to do?  
I know my Father to be highly moved,  
And am not able to endure the breath  
Of his expressed displeasure, whose hot flames  
I think my absence soonest would have quenched.   Gost. 

True Sir, as fire with oil, or else like them  
That quench the sire with pulling down the house,  
You shall remain here in my house concealed  
Till I have won your Father to conceive  
Kinder opinion of your oversight.  
Valerio entertain Fortunio  
And his fair wife, and give them conduct in.   Val. 
You're welcome sir.  Gost. 

What sirrah is that all?  
No entertainment to the Gentlewoman?   Ual. 
Forsooth you're welcome by my Father's leave.  Gost. 

What no more complement?  
Kiss her you sheepshead,  
Why when? Go go Sir, call your Sister hither. Exit Ual.  
Lady, you'll pardon our gross bringing up?  
we dwell far off from Court you may perceive:  
The sight of such a blazing Star as you,  
Dazzles my rude sons wits.   Grat. 

Not so good Sir,  
The better husband, the more courtly ever.   Rin. 

In deed a Courtier makes his lips go far,  
As he doth all things else.   Enter Ualerio, Bell. Gost. 

Daughter receive  
This Gentlewoman home, and use her kindly.   She kisses her Bell. 

My Father bids you kindly welcome Lady,  
And therefore you must needs come well to me.   Grat. 
Thank you forsooth.  Gost. 
Go Dame, conduct'em in.  Exeunt Rinaldo, Fortunio, Bell. Grat. 

Ah errant sheepshead, hast thou lived thus long,  
And dar'st not look a Woman in the face?  
Though I desire especially to see  
My Son a Husband, Shall I therefore have him  
Turn absolute Cullion? Let's see, kiss thy hand.  
Thou kiss thy hand? thou wipest thy mouth by th'mass.  
Fie on thee Clown; They say the world's grown finer,  
But I for my part, never saw young men  
Worse fashioned and brought up then now adays.  
'sfoot, when myself was young, was not I kept  
As far from Court as you? I think I was:  
And yet my Father on a time invited  
The Duchess of his house; I being then  
About some five and twenty years of age,  
Was thought the only man to entertain her:  
I had my congee; plant myself of one leg,  
Draw back the other with a deep fetched honour:  
Then with a Bell regard advance mine eye  
With boldness on her very physnomy.  
Your Dancers all were counterfeits to me:  
And for discourse in my fair Mistress presence,  
I did not as you barren Gallants do,  
Fill my discourses up drinking Tobacco;  
But on the present furnished ever more  
With tales and practised speeches; as some times  
What be't o'clock? What stuff's this Petticoat?  
What cost the making? What the Fringe and all?  
And what she had under her Petticoat?  
And such like witty compliments: and for need,  
I could have written as good Prose and Verse,  
As the most beggarly Poet of am all,  
Either acrostic, Exordion,  
Epithalamions, satires, Epigrams,  
Sonnets in dozens, or your Quatorzanies,  
In any Rhyme Masculine, Feminine,  
Or Sdrnciolla, or couplets, Blank Verse,  
You're but bench-whistlers nowadays to them  
That were in our times: well, about your Husbandry,  
Go, for I'fayth thouart fit for nothing else.   Exit Val. prodit Mar. Mar. 
Ber-lady you have played the Courtier rarely.  Gost. 

But did you ever see so blank a Fool,  
When he should kiss a Wench, as my Son is?   Mar. 

alas 'tis but a little bashfulness,  
You let him keep no company, nor allow him  
Money to spend at Fence and Dancing-schools,  
You're too severe i'faith.   Gost. 

And you too supple.  
Well Sir, for your sake I have staid your Son  
From flying to the wars: now see you rate him,  
To stay him yet from more expenseful courses,  
Wherein your lenity will encourage him.   Mar. 
Let me alone, I thank you for this kindness.  Exeunt. Enter Ualerio and Rinaldo. Rin. 

So, are they gone? Now tell me brave Valerio  
Have I not won the wreath from all your wits,  
Brought thee t'enjoy the most desired presence  
Of thy dear love at home? and with one labour  
My brother t'enjoy thy sister, where  
It had been her undoing t'have him seen,  
And make thy father crave what he abhors:  
T'entreat my brother home t'enjoy his daughter,  
Command thee kiss thy wench, chide for not kissing,  
And work all this out of a Machiavel,  
A miserable Politician?  
I think the like was never played before!   Vale. 

Indeed I must commend thy wit of force,  
And yet I know not whose deserves most praise  
Of thine, or my wit: thine for plotting well,  
Mine, that durst undertake and carry it  
With such true form.   Rin. 

Well, th'evening crowns the day,  
Persever to the end, my wit hath put  
Blind Fortune in a string into your hand,  
Use it discreetly, keep it from your Father,  
Or you may bid all your good days good night.   Ual. 
Let me alone boy.  Rin. 

Well sir, now to vary  
The pleasures of our wits, thou know'st Valerio  
Here is the new turned Gentleman's fair wife,  
That keeps thy wife and sister company;  
With whom the amorous Courtier Doriotto  
Is far in love, and of whom her sour husband  
Is passing jealous, puts on Eagles eyes  
To pry into her carriage. Shall we see.  
If he be now from home, and visit her.   Enter Gazetta sowing, Cornelio following. 
See, see, the prisoner comes.  Ual. 

But soft Sir, see  
Her jealous jailor follows at her heels:  
Come, we will watch some fitter time to board her,  
And in the mean time seek out our mad crew.  
My spirit longs to swagger.   Rin. 

Go to youth, walk not too boldly, if the Sergeants meet you;  
You may have swaggering work your belly full.   Val. 
No better Copesmates,  Gazetto sits and singes sowing. 

I'll go seek 'im out with this light in my hand,  
The slaves grow proud with seeking out of us.   Exeunt. Cor. 
A pretty work, I pray what flowers are these?  Gaze. 
The Pancy this.  Cor. 

O that's for lovers thoughts.  
What's that, a Columbine?   Gaze. 
No, that thankless Flower fits not my Garden.  Cor. 

Him? yet it may mine:  
This were a pretty present for some friend,  
Some gallant Courtier, as for Doriotto,  
One that adores you in his soul I know.   Gaz. 
Me? why me more than yourself I pray?  Cor. 

O yes, he adores you, and adhorns me:  
i'faith deal plainly, Do not his kisses relish  
Much better than such peasants as I am?   Gaz. 
Whose kisses?  Cor. 

Doriottoes; does he not?  
The thing you wot on?   Gaz. 
What thing good Lord?  Cor. 
Why Lady, lie with you?  Gaz. 
Lie with me?  Cor. 
I with you.  Gaz. 
You with me indeed.  Cor. 

Nay I am told that he lies with you too,  
And that he is the only Whoremaster  
About the City.   Gaz. 

If he be so only,  
'tis a good hearing that there are no more,   Cor. 

Well Mistress well, I will not be abused,  
Think not you dance in Nets; for though you do not  
Make broad profession of your love to him,  
i' et do I understand your darkest language,  
Your treads ath' toe, your secret jogs and wrings:  
Your enter course of glances: every tittle  
Of your close Amorous rites I understand,  
They speak as loud to me, as if you said,  
My dearest Dariotto, I am thine.   Gaz. 

jesus what moods are these? did ever Husband  
Follow his Wife with jealousy so unjust?  
That once I loved you, you yourself will swear.  
And if I did, where did you lose my Love?  
In deed this strange and undeserved usage,  
Hath power to shake a heart were near so settled:  
But I protest all your unkindness, never  
Had strength to make me wrong you, but in thought.   Cor. 
No, not with Doriotto?  Gaz. 
No by heaven.  Cor. 
No Letters past, nor no designs for meeting?  Gaz. 
No by my hope of heaven.  Cor. 

Well, no time past,  
Go go; go in and sow.   Gaz. 
Well, be it so.  Exit Gaz. Cor. 

Suspicion is (they say) the first degree  
Of deepest wisdom: and however others  
inveigh against this mood of jealousy,  
For my part I suppose it the best curb,  
To check the ranging appetites that reign  
In this weak sex: my neighbour's point at me  
For this my jealousy; but should I do  
As most of them do; let my wife fly out  
To feasts and revels, and invite home Gallants,  
Play Menelaus, give them time and place,  
While I sit like a well-taught waiting-woman,  
Turning her eyes upon some work or picture,  
Read in a Book, or take a feigned nap,  
While her kind Lady takes one to her lap?  
No, let me still be pointed at, and thought  
A jealous Ass, and not a wittolly Knave.  
I have a show of Courtiers haunt my house,  
In show my friends, and for my profit too:  
But I perceive 'em, and will mock their aims,  
With looking to their mark, I warrant 'em:  
I am content to ride abroad with them,  
To revel, dice, and fit their other sports;  
But by their leaves i'll have a vigilant eye  
To the main chance still. See my brave Comrades.   Enter Dariotto, Claudio and Valerio: Valerio putting up his Sword. Dar. 

Well, wag, well, wilt thou still deceive thy father,  
And being so simple a poor soul before him,  
Turn swaggerer in all companies beside?   Clau. 
Hadst thou been rested, all would have come forth.  Val. 

Soft, sir, there lies the point; I do not doubt,  
But t'have my penny worths of these Rascals one day:  
I'll smoke the buzzing Hornets from their nests,  
Or else i'll make their leather jerkins stay.  
The whoreson hungry Horseflies; Foot, a man  
Cannot so soon, for want of Almanacs,  
Forget his day but three or four bare months,  
But straight he fees a sort of Corporals,  
To lie in Ambuscado to surprise him.   Dar. 
Well, thou hadst happy fortune to escape 'em.  Val. 

But they thought theirs was happier to scape me.  
I walking in the place, where men's law suits  
Are heard and pleaded, not so much as dreaming  
Of any such encounter, steps me forth  
Their valiant foreman, with the word, I rest you.  
I made no more ado, but laid these paws  
Close on his shoulders, tumbling him to earth;  
And there sat he on his posteriors,  
Like a Baboon; and turning me about,  
I straight espied the whole troup issuing on me.  
I stepped me back, and drawing my old friend here,  
Made to the midst of them, and all unable  
T'endure the shock, all rudely sell in rout,  
And down the stairs they ran with such a fury,  
As meeting with a troup of Lawyers there,  
Maned by their Clients: some with ten, some with twenty,  
Some five, some three; he that had least, had one:  
Upon the stairs they bore them down afore them:  
But such a rattling then was there amongst them  
Of ravished Declarations, Replications,  
Rejoinders and Petitions; all their books  
And writings torn and trod on, and some lost,  
That the poor Lawyers coming to the Bar,  
Could say nought to the matter, but instead,  
Were fain to rail and talk besides their books  
Without all order.   Clau. 

Faith, that same vain of railing became  
Now most applausive; your best Poet, is  
He that rails grossest.   Dar. 

True, and your best fool  
Is your broad railing fool.   Val. 

And why not, sir?  
For by the gods, to tell the naked truth,  
What objects see men in this world, but such  
As would yield matter to a railing humour?  
When he that last year carried after one  
An empty Buckram bag, now fills a Coach,  
And crowds the Senate with such troops of Clients,  
And servile followers, as would put a mad spleen  
Into a Pigeon.   Dar. 

Come, pray leave these cross capers,  
Let's make some better use of precious time.  
See, here's Cornelio: come, Lad, shall we to dice?   Cor. 
Any thing I.  Clau. 
Well said, how does thy wife?  Cor. 
In health, God save her.  Val. 
But where is she, man?  Cor. 
Abroad about her business.  Val. 

Why, not at home?  
Foot, my masters, take her to the Court,  
And this rare Lad her husband: and dost hear?  
Play me no more the miserable Farmer,  
But be advised by friends, sell all i'th' country,  
Be a flat Courtier, follow some great man,  
Or bring thy wife there, and she'll make thee great.   Cor. 
What, to the Court? then take me for a Gull.  Val. 

Nay, never shun it to be called a Gull:  
For I see all the world is but a Gull:  
One man Gull to another in all kinds:  
A Merchant to a courtier is a Gull:  
A Client to a Lawyer is a Gull:  
A married man to a Bachelor, a Gull:  
A Bachelor to a Cuckold is a Gull:  
All to a Poct, or a Poct to himself.   Cor. 
Hark Dariotto, shall we gull this Guller?  Dar. 
He gulls his father, man, we cannot gull him.  Cor. 

Let me alone. Of all men's wits alive,  
I most admire Valerio's, that hath stolen,  
By his mere industry, and that by spurts,  
Such qualities, as no wit else can match,  
With plodding at perfection every hour;  
Which, if his father knew each gift he has,  
Were like enough to make him give all from him:  
I mean beside his dying and his wenching,  
He has stolen languages, th' Italian, Spanish,  
And some spice of the French, besides his dancing,  
Singing, playing on choice Instruments:  
These has he got, almost against the hair.   Clau. 
But hast thou stolen all these, Valerio?  Val. 

Toys, toys, a pox; and yet they be such toys,  
As every Gentleman would not be without.   Cor. 
Vain glory makes ye judge on light i'fath.  Dar. 

afore heaven I was much deceived in him:  
But he's the man indeed that hides his gifts,  
And sets them not to sale in every presence.  
I would have sworn, his soul were far from music;  
And that all his choice music was to hear  
His fat beasts bellow.   Cor. 

Sir, your ignorance  
Shall est soon be confuted. Prithee Val,  
Take thy Theorbo for my sake a little.   Val. 
By heaven, this month I touched not a Theorbo.  Cor. 

Touched a Theorbo? mark the very word.  
Sirrah, go fetch.   Exit Page. Val. 

If you will have it, I must needs confess,  
I am no husband of my qualities.   He untrusses and capers. Cor. 
See what a Caper there was!  Clau. 
See again.  Cor. 
The best that ever; and how it becomes him!  Dar. 
O that his father saw these qualities!  Enter a Page with an Instrument. Cor. 

Nay, that's the very wonder of his wit,  
To carry all without his father's knowledge.   Dar. 
Why, we might tell him now.  Cor. 

No but we could not,  
Although we think we could: his wit doth charm us.  
Come sweet Val, touch and sing.   Dar. 

Foot, will you hear  
The worst voice in Italy?   Enter Rinaldo. Cor. 
O God, sir. He sings. Courtiers, how like you this?  Dar. 
Believe it excellent.  Cor. 
Is it not natural?  Val. 

If my father heard me,  
Foot, he'd renounce me for his natural son.   Dar. 

By heaven, Valerio, and I were thy father,  
And loved good qualities as I do my life,  
I'd disinherit thee: for I never heard  
Dog howl with worse grace.   Cor. 

Go to, Signeur Courtier,  
You deal not courtly now to be so plain,  
Nor nobly, to discourage a young Gentleman,  
In virtuous qualities, that has but stolen 'em.   Clau. 
Call you this touching a Theorbo? Omn. ha, ha, ha.  Exeunt all but Val. and Rin. Val. 
How now, what's here?  Rin. 

zounds, a plot laid to gull thee.  
Could thy wit think the voice was worth the hearing?  
This was the Courtiers and the Cuckolds project.   Val. 
And be't cene so? 'tis very well, mast Courtier, & Dan Cornuto, i'll cry quit with both: And first, i'll cast a jar betwixt them both, with firing the poor Cuckold's jealousy.  

I have a tale will make him mad,  
And turn his wife divorced loose amongst us.  
But first let's home, and entertain my wife.  
O father, pardon, I was borne to gull thee.   Exeunt. 
Finis Actus secundi.   

ACTVS III.  
SCENA I.  Enter Fortunio, Bellanora, Gratiana, Gostanzo following closely. Fort. 

How happy am I, that by this sweet means  
I gain access to your lost loved sight,  
And there withal to utter my full love,  
Which but for vent would burn my entrails up!   Gost. 
byth' mass they talk too softly.  Bell. 

Little thinks  
The austere mind my thrifty father bears,  
That I am vowed to you, and so am bound  
From him: who for more riches he would force  
On my disliking fancy.   Fort. 

'tis no fault,  
With just deeds to defraud an injury.   Gost. 

My daughter is persuading him to yield  
In dutiful submission to his father.   Enter Valerio. Val. 

Do I not dream? do I behold sight  
With waking eyes? or from the Ivory gate  
Hath Morpheus sent a vision to delude me?  
Is 't possible that I a mortal man,  
Should shrine within mine arms so bright a Goddess,  
The fair Gratiana, beauties little world!   Gost. 
What have we here?  Val. 

My dearest Mine of Gold,  
All this that thy white arms enfold,  
Account it as thine own freehold.   Gost. 

God's my dear soul, what sudden change is here!  
I smell how this gear will fall out i'faith.   Val. 
Fortunio, sister; come, let's to the garden.  Exeunt. Gost. 

Sits the wind there i'fath? see what example  
Will work upon the dullest appetite.  
My son last day so bashful, that he durst not  
Look on a wench, now courts her; and by’r lady,  
Will make his friend Fortunio wear his head  
Of the right modern fashion. What Rinaldo.   Enter Rin. Rin. 
I fear I interrupt your privacy.  Gost. 

Welcome, Rinaldo, would 'thad been your hap  
To come a little sooner, that you might  
Have seen a handsome sight. but let that pass,  
The short is, that your sister Gratiana  
Shall stay no longer here.   Rin. 

No longer, sir?  
Repent you then so soon your favour to her,  
And to my brother?   Gost. 

Not so, good Rinaldo;  
But to prevent a mischief that I see  
Hangs over your abused brother's head.  
In brief, my son has learned but too much courtship.  
It was my chance even now to cast mine eye  
Into a place whereto your sister entered:  
My metamorphosed son: I must conceal  
What I saw there: but to be plain, I saw  
More than I would see: I had thought to make  
My house a kind receipt for your kind brother;  
But i'd be loath his wife should find more kindness,  
Than she had cause to like of.   Rin. 

What's the matter?  
Perhaps a little complement or so.   Gost. 

well, sir, such complement perhaps may cost  
Married Fortunio the setting on:  
Nor can I keep my knowledge; He that lately  
Before my face I could not get to look  
Upon your sister; by this light, now kissed her,  
Embraced and courted with as good a grace,  
As any courtier could: and I can tell you  
(Not to disgrace her) I perceived the Dame  
Was as far forward as himself, byth' mass.   Rin. 
You should have schooled him for't.  Gost. 

No, I'll not see't:  
For shame once found, is lost; I'll have him think  
That my opinion of him is the same  
That it was ever; it will be a mean,  
To bridle this fresh humour bred in him.   Rin. 
Let me then school him; foot, i'll rattle him up.  Gost. 

No, no, Rinaldo, th'only remedy,  
Is to remove the cause; carry the object  
From his late tempted eyes.   Rin. 

Alas, sir, whither?  
You know, my father is incensed so much,  
he'll not receive her.   Gost. 

Place her with some friend  
But for a time, till I reclaim your father:  
Mean time your brother shall remain with me.   Rin. 

The care's the less than, he has still his longing, 
To himself.   
To be with this Gulls daughter.   Gost. 

What resolve you?  
I am resolved she lodges here no more:  
My friend's son shall not be abused by mine.   Rin. 
troth, sir, i'll tell you what a sudden toy comes in my head; what think you if I brought her home to my father's house?  Gost. 

I mary, sir;  
Would he receive her?   Rin. 

Nay, you hear not all:  
I mean, with use of some device or other.   Gost. 
As how, Rinaldo?  Rin. 

Mary sir, to say,  
She is your sons wife, married past your knowledge.   Gost. 
I doubt, last day he saw her, and will know her to be Fortunio's wife.  Rin. 

Nay, as for that  
I will pretend she was even then your sons wife,  
But feigned by me to be Fortunio's,  
Only to try how he would take the matter.   Gost. 
'Fore heaven 'twere pretty.  Rin. 
Would it not do well?  Gost. 
Exceeding well in sadness.  Rin. 

Nay, good sir,  
Tell me unfeignedly, do ye liked indeed.   Gost. 
The best that ere I heard.  Rin. 

And do you think  
he'll swallow down the Gudgeon?   Gost. 

A my life  
It were a gross gob would not down with him,  
An honest knight, but simple, not acquainted  
With the fine slights and policies of the world,  
As I myself am.   Rin. 

I'll go fetch her straight:  
And this jest thrive, 'twill make us princely sport:  
But you must keep our counsel, second all,  
Which to make likely, you must needs sometimes  
Give your son leave (as if you knew it not)  
To steal and see her at my father's house.   Gost. 

ay, but see you then that you keep good guard  
Over his forward new begun affections:  
For by the Lord, he'll teach your brother else,  
To sing the cuckoo's note: spirit will break out,  
Though never so suppressed and pinioned.   Rin. 

Especially your sons: what would he be,  
If you should not restrain him by good counsel:   Gost. 

I'll have an eye on him, I warrant thee.  
I'll in and warn the Gentlewoman to make ready.   Rin. 

Well, sir, & i'll not be long after you. Exit Gost.  
Heaven, heaven, I see these Politicians  
(Out of blind Fortune's hands) are our most fools.  
'tis she that gives the lustre to their wits,  
Still plodding at traditional devices:  
But take 'em out of them to present actions,  
A man may grope and tickle 'em like a trout,  
And take 'em from their close dear holes, as fat  
As a Physician; and as giddy-headed,  
As if be miracle heaven had taken from them,  
Even that which commonly belongs to fools.  
Well, now let's note what black ball of debate,  
Valerio's wit hath cast betwixt Cornelio,  
And the enamoured courtier; I believe  
His wife and he will part: his jealousy  
Hath ever watched occasion of divorce,  
And now Valerio's villainy will present it.  
See, here comes the twin-courtier his companion.   Enter Claud. Clau. 
Rinaldo, well encountered.  Rin. 
Why? what news?  Clau. 

Most sudden and infortunate, Rinaldo:  
Cornelio is incensed so 'gainst his wife,  
That no man can procure her quiet with him.  
I have assayed him, and made Marc Antonio,  
With all his gentle Rhetoric second me,  
Yet all I fear me will be cast away.  
See, see, they come: join thy wit, good Rinaldo,  
And help to pacify his yellow fury.   Rin. 

With all my heart, I consecrate my wit  
To the wished comfort of distressed Ladies.   Enter Cornelio, Marc Ant. Valerio, Page. Cor. 
Will any man assure me of her good behaviour?  Val. 
Who can assure a jealous spirit? you may be afraid of the shadow of your ears, & imagine them to be horns: if you will assure yourself, appoint keepers to watch her.  Cor. 
And who shall watch the keepers?  Mar. 
To be sure of that, be you her keeper.  Val. 

Well said, and share the horns yourself:  
For that's the keeper's fee.   Cor. 
But say I am gone out of town, & must trust others; how shall I know if those I trust be trusty to me?  Rin. 
Mary, sir, by a singular instinct, given naturally to all you married men, that if your wives play legerdeheel, though you be a hundred miles off, yet you shall be sure instantly to find it in your foreheads.  Cor. 
Sound doctrine I warrant you: I am resolved i'faith.  Pag. 
Then give me leave to speak, sir, that hath all this while been silent: I have heard you with extreme patience, now therefore prick up your ears, and vouchsafe me audience.  Clau. 
Good boy, a mine honour.  Cor. 
Pray what are you, sir?  Pag. 
I am here, for default of better, of counsel with the fair Gazetta, and though herself had been best able to defend herself, if she had been here, and would have pleased to put forth the Buckler, which Nature hath given all women, I mean her tongue.  Val. 
Excellent good boy.  Pag. 
Yet since she either vouchsafes it not, or thinks her innocence a sufficient shield against your jealous accusations, I will presume to undertake the defence of that absent & honourable Lady, whose sworn Knight I am; and in her of all that name (for Lady is grown a common name to their whole sex) which sex I have ever loved from my youth, and shall never cease to love, till I want wit to admire.  Mar. 
An excellent spoken boy.  Val. 
Give ear, Cornelio, here is a young Mercurio sent to persuade thee.  Cor. 
Well, sir, let him say on.  Pag. 
It is a heavy case, to see how this light sex is tumbled and tossed from post to pillar, under the unsavoury breath of every humourous Peasant: Gazetta, you said, is unchaste, disloyal, and I wot not what; Alas, is it her fault? is she not a woman? did she not suck it (as others of her sex do) from her mother's breast? and will you condemn that, as her fault, which is her Nature? Alas, sir, you must consider, a woman is an unfinished Creature, delivered hastily to the world, before Nature had set to that seal which should have made them perfect. Faults they have (no doubt) but are we free? Turn your eye into yourself (good signior Cornelio) and weigh your own imperfections with hers: If she be wanton abroad, are not you wanting at home? if she be amorous, are not you jealous? If she be high set, are not you taken down? If she be a Courtesan, are not you a Cuckold?  Cor. 
Out you rogue.  Rin. 
On with thy speech boy.  Marc. 
You do not well, Cornelio, to discourage the bashful youth.  Clau. 
Forth, boy, I warrant thee.  Pag. 
But if our own imperfections will not teach us to bear with theirs; yet let their virtues persuade us: let us endure their bad qualities for their good; allow the prickle for the Rose; the brack for the Velvet; the paring for the cheese, and so forth: if you say they range abroad, consider it is nothing but to avoid idleness at home: their nature is still to be doing: keep 'em a doing at home; let them practise one good quality or other, either sowing, singing, playing, chiding, dancing or so, & these will put such idle toys out of their heads into yours: but if you cannot find them variety of business within doors, yet at least imitate the ancient wise Citizens of this City, who used carefully to provide their wives gardens near the town, to plant, to graft in, as occasion served, only to keep 'em from idleness.  Val. 
Everlasting good boy.  Cor. 
I perceive your knavery, sir, and will yet have patience.  Rin. 
Forth, my brave Curio.  Pag. 
As to her unquietness (which some have rudely termed shrewishness) though the fault be in her, yet the cause is in you. What so calm as the sea of it own nature? Art was never able to equal it: your dicing tables, nor your bowling alleys are not comparable to it; yet if a blast of wind do but cross it, not so turbulent & violent an element in the world: So (nature in am of women's scarcity of wit, having endued them with a large portion of will) if they may (without impeach) enjoy their wills, no quieter creatures under heaven: but if the breath of their husband's mouths once cross their wills, nothing more tempestuous. Why than, sir, should you husbands cross your wives wills thus, considering the law allows them no wills at all at their deaths, because it intended they should have their wills while they lived?  Val. 
Answer him but that, Cornelio.  Cor. 
All shall not serve her turn, I am thinking of other matters.  Mar. 
Thou hast half won him, Wag; ply him yet a little further.  Pag. 
Now (sir) for these Cuckooish songs of yours, of Cuckolds, horns, grafting, and such like; what are they, but mere imaginary toys, bred out of your own heads, as your own, and so by tradition delivered from man to man, like Scarecrows, to terrify fools from this earthly paradise of wedlock, coined at first by some spent Poets, superannuated Bachelors, or some that were scarce men of their hands; who, like the Fox, having lost his tail, would persuade others to lose theirs for company? Again, for your Cuckold, what is it but a mere fiction? show me any such creature in nature; if there be, I could never see it, neither could I ever find any sensible difference betwixt a Cuckold and a Christen creature. To conclude, let Poets coin, or fools credit what they list; for mine own part, I am clear of this opinion, that your Cuckold is a mere chimera, and that there are no Cuckolds in the world, but those that have wives: and so I will leave them.  Cor. 
'tis excellent good, sir; I do take you, sir, d'ye see? to be, as it were bastard to the saucy Courtier, that would have me father more of your fraternity, d'ye see? & so are instructed (as we hear) to second that villain with your tongue, which he has acted with his Tenure piece, d'ye see?  Pag. 
No such matter, a my credit, sir.  Cor. 
Well, sir, be as be may, I scorn to set my head against yours, d'ye see? when in the mean time I will firk your father, whether you see or no.  Exit drawing his rapier. Rin. 
God's my life, Cornelio.  Exit. Val. 
have at your father i'faith, boy, if he can find him.  Mar. 
See, he comes here, he has missed him.  Enter Dariot. Dar. 

How now, my hearts, what, not a wench amongst you?  
'tis a sign you're not in the grace of wenches,  
That they will let you be thus long alone.   Val. 

Well, Dariotto, glory not too much,  
That for thy brisk attire and lips perfumed,  
Thou play playest the Stallion ever where thou com'st;  
And like the husband of the flock, runnest through  
The whole town heard, and no man's bed secure:  
No woman's honour unattempted by thee.  
Think not to be thus fortunate for ever:  
But in thy amorous conquests at the last  
Some wound will slice your mazer: Mars himself  
Fell into Vulcan's snare, and so may you.   Dar. 

Alas, alas, faith I have but the name:  
I love to court and win; and the consent,  
Without the act obtained, is all I seek.  
I love the victory that draws no blood.   Clau. 

O, 'tis a high desert in any man  
To be a secret Lecher; I know some,  
That (like thyself) are true in nothing else.   Mar. 

And, methinks, it is nothing, if not told;  
At least the joy is never full before.   Val. 

Well, Dariotto, thou'dst as good confess,  
The Sun shines broad upon your practises.  
Vulcan will wake and intercept you one day.   Dar. 

Why, the more jealous knave and coxcomb he.  
What, shall the shaking of his bed a little  
Put him in motion? It becomes him not;  
Let him be dulled and stalled, and then be quiet.  
The way to draw my custom to his house,  
Is to be mad and jealous; 'tis the sauce  
That whets my appetite.   Val. 

Or any man's:  
Sine periculo friget lusus.  
They that are jealous, use it still of purpose  
To draw you to their houses.   Dar. 

ay, by heaven,  
I am of that opinion. Who would steal  
Out of a common Orchard? Let me gain  
My love with labour, and enjoy't with fear,  
Or I am gone.   Enter Rinaldo. Rin. 

What, Dariotto here?  
Foot, dar'st thou come near Cornelio's house?   Dar. 
Why? is the Bull run mad? what ails he, trow?  Rin. 

I know not what he ails; but I would wish you  
To keep out of the reach of his sharp horns:  
For by this hand he'll gore you.   Dar. 

And why me,  
More than thyself, or these two other whelps?  
You all have basted him as well as I.  
I wonder what's the cause.   Rin. 

Nay, that he knows,  
And swears withal, that wheresoe'er he meets you,  
he'll mark you for a marker of men's wines.   Val. 

Pray heaven he be not jealous by some tales  
That have been told him lately: did you never  
Attempt his wife? hath no loves Harbinger,  
No looks, no letters passed twixt you and her?   Dar. 

For look I cannot answer; I bestow them  
At large, and carelessly, much like the Sun:  
If any be so foolish to apply them  
To any private fancy of their own,  
(As many do) it's not my fault, thou knowest.   Val. 

Well, Dariotto, this set face of thine  
(If thou be guilty of offence to him)  
Comes out of very want of wit and feeling  
What danger haunts thee: for Cornelio  
Is a tall man, I tell you; and 'twere best  
You shunned his sight awhile, till we might get  
His patience, or his pardon: for past doubt  
Thou diest if he but see thee.   Enter Cornelio. Rin. 
Foot, he comes.  Dar. 

Is this the Cockatrice that kills with sight?  
How dost thou boy? ha?   Cor. 
Well.  Dar. 

What, lingering still  
About this paltry town? hadst thou been ruled  
By my advice, thou hadst by this time been  
A gallant courtier, and at least a Knight:  
I would have got thee dubbed by this time certain.   Cor. 
And why then did you not yourself that honour:  Dar. 

Tush, 'tis more honour still to make a Knight,  
Then 'tis to be a Knight: to make a Cuckold,  
Then 'tis to be a Cuckold.   Cor. 
You're a villain.  Dar. 
God shield man: villain?  Cor. 
ay, i'll prove thee one.  Dar. 

What, wilt thou prove a villain?  
By this light thou deceiv'st me then.   Cor. 
Well, sir, thus I prove it.  draws. Omn. 
Hold, hold, raise the streets.  Clau. 
Cornelio.  Rin. 
Hold, Darioto, hold.  Val. 
What, art thou hurt?  Dar. 
A scratch, a scratch.  Val. 
Go sirrah, fetch a Surgeon.  Cor. 

You'll set a badge on the jealous fools head, sir;  
Now set a Coxcomb on your own.   Val. 
What's the cause of these wars, Darioto?  Dar. 
Foot, I know not.  Cor. 
Well, sir, know and spare not; I will presently be divorced, and then take her amongst ye.  Rin. 
divorced: nay good Cornelia.  Cor. 
By this sword I will, the world shall not dissuade me.  Exit. Val. 

Why this has been your fault now Darioto,  
You youths have fashions when you have obtained:  
A Lady's favour, straight your hat must wear it,  
Like a jackdaw that when he lights upon  
A dainty morsel kaas and makes his brags,  
And then some kite doth scoop it from him straight,  
Where if he fed without his dawish noise,  
He might fare better, and have less disturbance:  
Forbear it in this case; and when you prove,  
Victorious over fair Gazetta's Fort,  
Do not for pity sound your trump for joy,  
But keep your valour close, and t is your honour.   Enter Page and Pock. Poc. 
God save you signor Darioto,  Dar. 
I know you not Sir, your name I pray?  Poc. 
My name is Pock Sir; a practitioner in Surgery,  Dar. 
Pock the Surgeon, you're welcome Sir, I know a Doctor of your name master Pocke.  Poc. 
My name has made many doctor's Sir.  Rinal. 
Indeed 'tis a worshipful name.  Val. 
Mary is it, and of an ancient descent.  Poc. 
Faith Sir I could fetch my pedigree far, if I were so disposed.  Rin. 
Out of France at least.  Poc. 
And if I stood on my arms as others do,  Dar. 
No do not Pock, let other stand a their arms, and thou a thy legs as long as thou canst.  Poc. 
Though I live by my bare practice, yet I could show good cards for my Gentility.  Val. 
Tush thou canst not shake off thy gentry Pock, 'tis bred i'th' bone; but to the main Pock; what thinkest thou of this gentleman's wound, Pock canst thou cure it Pock.  Poc. 
The incision is not deep, nor the Orifice exorbitant, the Pericranion is not dislocated, I warrant his life for forty crowns, without perishing of any joint.  Dar. 
Faith Pock, 'tis a joint I would be loath to lose, for the best joint of Mutton in Italy.  Rin. 
Would such a scratch as this hazards a man's head?  Foc. 
I by’r lady Sir, I have known some have lost there heads for a less matter I can tell you, therefore sir you must keep good diet: if you please to come home to my house till you be perfectly cured, I shall have the more care on you.  Val. 
That's your only course to have it well quickly.  Poc. 
By what time would he have it well sir.  Dari. 
A very necessary question, canst thou limit the time.  Pock. 
O sir, cures are like causes in law, which may be lengthened or shortened at the discretion of the Lawyer, he can either keep it green with replications or rejoinders, or sometimes skin it fair a'th' outside for fashion sake, but so he may be sure 'twill break out again by a writ of error, and then has he his suit new to begin, but I will covenant with you, that by such a time I'll make your head as sound as a Bell, I will bring it to suppuration, and after I will make it coagulate and grow to a perfect cicatrice, and all within these ten days, so you keep a good diet.  Dar. 
Well come Pock, we'll talk farther on't within, it draws near dinner time; what's o'clock boy?  Page. 
By your clock sir it should be almost one, for your head rung noon some half hour ago.  Dar. 
be't true sir?  Val. 
Away let him alone, though he came in at the window he sets the gates of your honour open I can tell you.  Dar. 

Come in Pock, come, apply; and for this deed  
I'll give the Knave a wound shall never bleed:  
So sir I think this knock rings loud acquittance,  
For my ridiculous.   Exeunt all but Rinal. & Valer. Ryn. 

Well sir to turn our heads to salve your licence,  
Since you have used the matter so unwisely,  
That now your father has discerned your humour,  
In your too careless usage in his house,  
Your wife must come from his house to Antonio's,  
And he, to entertain her must be told  
She is not wife to his son, but to you:  
Which news will make his simple wit triumph  
Over your father; and your father thinking  
He still is gulled, will still account him simple:  
Come sir, prepare your villainous wit to feign  
A kind submission to your father's fury,  
And we shall see what hearty policy,  
He will discover, in his feigned Anger,  
To blind Antonio's eyes, and make him think,  
He thinks her heartily to be your wife.   Val. 

O I will gull him rarely with my wench,  
Low kneeling at my heels before his fury,  
And injury shallbe salved with injury.   
Finis Actus 3.   

ACTVS 4.  
SCENA 1.  Marc-Ant: Gostanzo. Marc-Ant. 

You see how too much wisdom evermore,  
Outshoots the truth: you were so forwards still,  
To tax my ignorance, my green experience  
In these grey hairs, for giving such advantage,  
To my sons spirit, that he durst undertake  
A secret match, so far short of his worth:  
Your son so seasoned with obedience,  
Even from his youth, that all his actions relish  
Nothing but duty, and your anger's fear,  
What shall I say to you, if it fall out  
That this most precious son of yours, has played  
A part as bad as this, and as rebellious:  
Nay more has grossly gulled your wit withal.  
What if my son has undergone the blame  
That appertained to yours? and that this wench  
With which my son is charged, may call you father:  
Shall I then say you want experience?  
You're green, you're credulous; easy to be blinded.   Gost. 

Ha, ha, ha, good Marc-Antonio,  
When't comes to that; laugh at me, call me fool, proclaim so,  
Let all the world take knowledge I am an Ass.   Marc. 

O the good God of Gods,  
How blind is Pride? what Eagles we are still,  
In matters that belong to other men?  
What Beetles in our own? I tell you Knight,  
It is confessed to be as I have told you;  
And Gratiana, is by young Rinaldo,  
And your white son, brought to me as his wife:  
How think you now Sir?   Gost. 

even just as before,  
And have more cause to think honest Credulity,  
Is a true Loadstone to draw on Decrepity:  
You have a heart to open to embrace,  
All that your ear receives: alas good man,  
All this is but a plot for entertainment  
Within your house, for your poor sons young wife  
My house without huge danger cannot hold:   Mar. 
be't possible, what danger Sir I pray?  Gost. 

I 'll tell you Sir, 'twas time to take her thence:  
My son that last day you saw could not frame,  
His looks to entertain her, now by’r lady  
Is groan a Courtier: for myself unseen,  
Saw when he courted her, embraced and kissed her,  
And I can tell you left not much undone,  
That was the proper office of your son.   Mar. 
What world is this?  Gost, 

I told this to Rinaldo,  
Advising him to fetch her from my house,  
And his young wit not knowing where to lodge her  
Unless with you: and saw that could not be,  
Without some wile: I presently suggested  
This quaint devise, to say she was my sons:  
And all this plot, good Marc-Antonio,  
Flowed from this fount, only to blind our eyes.   Mar. 

Out of how sweet a dream have you awaked me?  
By heaven, I durst have laid my part in heaven  
All had been true; it was so lively handled,  
And drawn with such a seeming face of truth:  
Your son had cast a perfect vail of grief  
Over his face, for his so rash offence,  
To seal his love with act of marriage,  
Before his father had subscribed his choice:  
My son (my circumstance lessening the fact)  
Entreating me to break the matter to you,  
And joining my effectual persuasions,  
With your sons penitent submission,  
Appease your fury; I at first assented,  
And now expect their coming to that purpose.   Gost. 

'twas well, 'twas well, see me to believe it still,  
Let Art end what Credulity began,  
When they come, suit your words and looks to theirs,  
Second my sad Sons feigned submission,  
And see in all points how my brain will answer,  
His disguised grief, with a set countenance  
Of and choler; now observe and learn  
To school your son by me.   Intrant Rynaldo Val: Great: Mar. 
On with your mask; here come the other maskers sir,  Rinal. 

Come on I say,  
Your Father with submission willbe calmed; come on; down a your knees:   Gost. 

Villain durst thou  
Presume to gull thy Father? dost thou not  
Tremble to see my bent and cloudy brows  
Ready to thunder on thy graceless head,  
And with the bolt of my displeasure cut  
The thread of all my living from thy life,  
For taking thus a beggar to thy wife?   Val. 

Father, if that part I have in your blood,  
If tears, which so abundantly distill  
Out of my inward eyes: and for a need,  
Can drown these outward (lend me thy handkercher)  
And being indeed as many drops of blood,  
Issuing from the Creator of my heart,  
Be able to beget so much compassion,  
Not on my life, but on this lovely Dame,  
Whom I hold dearer?   Gost. 
Out upon thee villain.  Marc. 
Nay good Gostanzo, think you are a Father.  Gost. 

I will not hear a word; out, out upon thee:  
Wed without my advise, my love, my knowledge,  
ay, and a beggar too, a trull, a blows?   Rinal. 

You thought not so last day, when you offered her  
A twelve months' board for one nights lodging with her.   Gost. 

Go to, no more of that, peace good Rinaldo,  
It is a fault that only she and you know.   Rein. 
Well sir, go on I pray.  Gost. 

Have I fond wretch,  
With utmost care and labour brought thee up,  
Ever instructing thee, omitting never  
The office of a kind and careful Father,  
To make thee wise and virtuous like thy father:  
And hast thou in one act everted all?  
Proclaimed thyself to all the world a fool?  
To wed a beggar?   Val. 

Father, say not so,  
Nay she's thy own, here, rise fool, take her to thee,  
Live with her still, I know thou countest thyself  
Happy in soul, only in winning her:  
Be happy still, here, take her hand enjoy her,  
Would not a son hazard his Father's wrath,  
His reputation in the world? his birthright,  
To have but such a mess of broth as this?   Marc. 

Be not so violent, I pray you good Gostanzo,  
Take truce with passion, licence your sad son,  
To speak in his excuse.   Gost. 

What? what excuse?  
Can any orator in this case excuse him?  
What can he say? what can be said of any?   Val. 

alas sir, hear me, all that I can say  
In my excuse, is but to show loves warrant.   Gost. 
Notable wag.  Val. 

I know I have committed  
A great impiety, not to move you first  
Before the dame, I meant to make my wife  
Consider what I am, yet young, and green,  
Behold what she is, is there not in her  
I, m her very eye, a power to conquer,  
Even age itself and wisdom, call to mind  
Sweet Father, what yourself being young have been,  
Think what you may be, for I do not think  
The world so far spent with you, but you may  
Look back on such a beauty, and I hope  
To see you young again and to live long  
With young affections, wisdom makes a man  
Live young for ever: and where is this wisdom  
If not in you? alas I know not what  
Rests in your wisdom to subdue affections,  
But I protest it wrought with me so strongly,  
That I had quite been drowned in seas of tears  
Had I not taken hold in happy time  
Of this sweet hand, my heart had been consumed  
T'a heap of Ashes with the flames of love,  
Had it not sweetly been assuaged and cooled,  
With the moist kisses of these sugared lips.   Gost. 

O puissant wag, what huge large thongs he cuts  
Out of his friend Fortunio's stretching leather.   Marc. 
He knows he does it but to blind my eyes.  Gost. 
O excellent, these men will put up any thing.  Ual. 

Had I not had her, I had lost my life,  
Which life indeed I would have lost before,  
I had displeased you, had I not received it  
From such a kind, a wise, and honoured Father.   Gost. 
Notable Boy.  Val. 

Yet do I here renounce  
Love, life and all, rather than one hour longer  
Endure to have your love eclipsed from me.   Gra. 

O I can hold no longer, if thy words  
Be used in earnest my Valerio,  
Thou woundst my heart, but I know 'tis in Jest.   Gost. 
No i'll be sworn she has her lyripoope too.  Grat. 

Didst thou not swear to love me, spite of Father, & all the world  
That nought should sever us but death itself.   Ual. 

I did, but if my father  
Will have his son forsworn, upon his soul,  
The blood of my black perjury shall lie,  
For I will seek his favour though I die.   Gost. 

No, no, live still my son, thou well shalt know,  
I have a father's heart, come join your hands,  
Still keep thy vows, and live together still.  
Till cruel death set foot betwixt you both.   Val. 
O speak you this in earnest?  Gost. 
I by heaven.  Val. 
And never to recall it?  Gost. 
Not till death.  Rinal. 

Excellent sir, you have done like yourself:  
What would you more Valerio?   Ual. 
Worshipful Father.  Rinal. 
Come sir, come you in, and celebrate your joys.  Exeunt all save the old men. Gost. 

O Marc-Antonio,  
Had I not armed you with an expectation,  
Would not this make you pawn your very soul,  
The wench had been my sons wife?   Marc. 

Yes by heaven:  
A knavery thus effected might deceive  
A wiser man than I, for I ah 'las,  
Am no good politician, plain believing  
Simple honesty, is my policy still.   Gost, 

The visible marks of folly, honesty, and quick Credulity his younger brother.  
I tell you Marc-Antonio there is much  
In that young boy my Son.   Marc. 
Not much honesty, if I may speak without offence to his father.  Gost. 

O God you cannot please me better sir,  
H'as honesty enough to serve his turn,  
The less honesty ever the more wit,  
But go you home, and use your daughter kindly,  
Mean time I'll school your son: and do you still  
Dissemble what you know, keep off your son,  
The wench at home must still be my sons wife,  
Remember that, and be you blinded still.   Marc. 

You must remember too, to let your son  
Use his accustomed visitations,  
Only to blind my eyes.   Gost. 

He shall not fail:  
But still take you heed, have a vigilant eye,  
On that sly child of mine, for by this light,  
he'll be too bold with your sons forehead else.   Marc. 
Well sir let me alone, I'll bear a brain.  Exeunt. Enter Ualerio, Rynaldo. Val. 
Come they are gone.  Ryn. 
Gone, they were far gone here.  Val. 

Gulled I my father, or gulled he himself?  
Thou toldst him Gratiana was my wife,  
I have confessed it, he has pardoned it.   Ryn. 

Nothing more true, enough can witness it.  
And therefore when he comes to learn the truth,  
(As certainly for all these sly disguises,  
Time will strip Truth into her nakedness)  
Thou hast good plea against him to confess,  
The honoured Action, and to claim his pardon.   Val. 

'tis true, for all was done he deeply swore  
Out of his heart.   Ryn. 

He has much faith the whiles,  
That swore a thing, so quite against his heart:   Val. 
Why this is policy.  Ryn. 

Well see you repair,  
To Gratiana daily, and enjoy her  
In her true kind; and now we must expect  
The resolute, and ridiculous divorce,  
Cornelio hath sued against his wedlock.   Val. 
I think it be not so; the Ass dotes on her.  Ryn. 

It is too true, and thou shalt answer it,  
For setting such debate twixt man and wife:  
See, we shall see the solemn manner of it.   Enter Cor: Darioto. Claud. Notary, Page, Gazetta. Bell: Gratiana. Bell. 
Good signor Cornelio let us poor Gentlewomen entreat you to forbear.  Cor. 
Talk no more to me, I'll not be made Cuckold in my own house: Notary read me the divorce.  Gazet. 
My dear Cornelio, examine the cause better before you condemn me.  Cor. 
Sing to me no more Siren, for I will hear thee no more, I will take no compassion on thee.  Page. 
Good signor Cornelio be not too mankind against your wife, say you're a cuckold (as the best that is may be so at a time) will you make a trumpet of your own horns?  Cor. 
Go to sir, you're a rascal, we give you a fee for pleading for her one day, Notary do you your office.  Val. 
Go to signor look better to your wife, and be better advised, before you grow to this extremity.  Cor. 
Extremity? go to, I deal but too mercifully with her, If I should use extremity with her I might hang her, and her copesmate my drudge here, how say you M. Notary, might I not do it by law?  Not. 
Not hang am, but you may bring them both to a white sheet.  Cor. 
Nay by the mass they have had too much of the sheet already.  Not. 
And besides you may set capital letters on their foreheads.  Cor. 
What's that to the capital letter that's written in mind, I say for all your law, master Notary that I may hang am, may I not hang him that robs me of mine honour, as well as he that robs me of my horse?  Not. 
No sir your horse is a chattel.  Cor. 
So is honour, a man may buy it with his penny, and if I may hang a man for stealing my horse (as I say) much more for robbing me of my honour; for why? if my horse be stolen, it may be my own fault; for why? either the stable is not strong enough, or the pasture not well fenced, or watched, or so forth: But for your wife that keeps the stable of your honour: Let her be locked in a brazen tower, let Argus himself keep her, yet can you never be secure of your honour, for why? she can run through all with her serpent noddle: beside you may hang a lock upon your horse, and so can you not upon your wife.  Rin. 
But I pray you Sir what are the presumptions on which you would build this divorce?  Cornelio. 
Presumption enough Sir, for besides their intercourse, or commerce of glances that passed betwixt this cockrel-drone, and her, at my table the last Sunday night at supper, their winks, their becks, due guard, their treads a'the toe (as by heaven I swear she trod once upon my toe instead of his) This is chiefly to be noted, the same night she would needs lie alone; and the same night her dog barked, did not you hear him Valerio?  Ual. 
And understand him too, I'll be sworn of a book.  Cornelio. 
Why very good, if these be not manifest presumptions now, let the world be judge: Therefore without more ceremony, Master Notary pluck out your Instrument.  Notary. 
I will sir, if there be no remedy.  Corn. 
Have you made it strong in law Master Notary? have you put in words enough?  Notary. 
I hope so sir, it has taken me a whole skin of Parchment you see.  Cornelio. 
Very good, and is Egress and Regress in?  Nota. 
I'll warrant you sir, it is forma juris.  Corn. 
Is there no hole to be found in the Orthography?  Nota. 
None in the world sir.  Corn. 
You have written Sunt with an S have you not?  Nota. 
Yes that I have.  Corn. 
You have done the better for quietness sake: and are none of the authentical dashes over the head left out? if there be Master Notary an error will lie out.  Nota. 
Not for a dash over head sir I warrant you, if I should oversee; I have seen that tried in Butiro & Caseo, in Butler and Cason's case, Decimo sexto of Duke Anonimo.  Rinal. 
Y'ave gotten a learned Notary signor Cornelio.  Corn. 
he's a shrewd fellow indeed, I had as lief have his head in a matter of felony, or Treason, as any Notary in Florence, read out Master Notary, hearken you mistress, Gentlemen mark I beseech you.  Omnes. 
We will all mark you sir, I warrant you.  Nota. 
I think it would be something tedious to read all, and therefore Gentlemen the sum is this: That you signor Cornelio Gentleman, for divers & sundry weighty and mature considerations, you especially moving, specifying all the particulars of your wives enormities in a schedule here unto annexed, the transcript whereof is in your own tenure, custody, occupation, & keeping: That for these the aforesaid premises, I say, you renounce, disclaim and discharge Gazetta from being your leeful, or your lawful wife: And that you eftsoons divide, disjoin, separate, remove, & finally eloign, sequester, & divorce her, from your bed & your board; That you forbid her all access, repair, egress or regress to your person, or persons, mansion or mansions, dwellings, habitations, remainenances or abodes, or to any shop, cellar, Sollar, easements chamber, dormer, and so forth, now in the tenure, custody, occupation or keeping of the said Cornelio; notwithstanding all former contracts, covenants, bargains, conditions, agreements, compacts.  
Promises, vows, affiances, assurances, bonds, bills, indentures, pole-deeds, deeds of gift, defeasances, feoffments, endowments, vouchers, double vouchers, privy entries, actions, declarations, explications, rejoinders, surrejoinders, rights, interests, demands, claims, or titles whatsoever, heretofore betwixt the one and the other party, or parties, being had, made, past, covenanted & agreed, from the beginning of the world, till the day of the date hereof, given the 17. of November 1500. and so forth, here Sir you must set to your hand.  Cor. 
What else master Notary, I am resolute i'faith.  Gaz. 
Sweet husband forbear.  Cor. 
Avoid, I charge thee in name of this divorce: Thou mightst have looked to it in time, yet this I will do for thee; if thou canst spy out any other man that thou wouldest cuckold, thou shalt have my letter to him: I can do no more: more Ink master Notary, I wright my name at large.  Not. 
Here is more Sir.  Cor. 
Ah ass that thou could not know thy happiness till thou hadst lost it, how now? my nose bleed? shall I write in blood? what only three drops? 'sfoot this's ominous: I will not set my hand to't now certain, master Notary I like not this abodement: I will defer the setting too of my hand till the next court day: keep the divorce I pray you, and the woman in your house together.  Om. 
Burn the divorce, burn the divorce.  Cor. 
Not so Sir, it shall not serve her turn M. Notary, keep it at your peril, & gentlemen you may be gone a God's name, what have you to do to flock about me thus? I am neither owlet, nor cuckoo: gentlewomen for God's sake meddle with your own cases, it is not fit you should haunt these public assembles.  Om. 
well, farewell Cornelio.  Val. 

Use the gentlewoman kindly master Notary,  
As mine own wise, I assure you Sir.   Exeunt. Clau. 
signor Cornelio I cannot but in kindness tell you that Balerio by counsel of Rinaldo hath whispered all this jealousy into your ears, not that he knew any just cause in your wise, but only to be revenged on you, for the gull, you put upon him, when you drew him with his glory to touch the Theorbo.  Cor. 
May I believe this?  Clau. 
As I am a gentleman: and if this accident of your nose had not fallen out, I would have told you this before you set too your hand.  Cor. 

It may well be, yet have I cause enough  
To perfect my divorce, but it shall rest,  
Till I conclude it with a Counterbuff,  
given to these noble rascals: Claudio thanks:  
What comes of this, watch but my brain a little,  
And ye shall see, if like two parts in me,  
I leave not both these gullers' wits embriered,  
Now I perceive well where the wild wind sits,  
Here's Gull for Gull and wits at war with wits.   (Exeunt.  

AGTUS Quinti:  
SCENA PRIMA.  Rinaldo solus. 

Fortune the great commandress of the world,  
Hath divers ways to advance her followers:  
To some she gives honour without deserving,  
To other some deserving without honour,  
Some wit, some wealth: and some wit without wealth:  
Some wealth without wit, some, nor wit nor wealth  
But good smock-faces: or some qualities,  
by nature without judgement, with the which  
They live in sensual acceptation,  
And make show only, without touch of substance;  
My fortune is to win renown by Gulling,  
Gostanzo, Darioto, and Cornelio:  
All which suppose in all their different kinds,  
Their wits entire, and in themselves no piece,  
All at one blow; my helmet yet unbruised,  
I have unhorsed, laid flat on earth for Gulls;  
Now in what taking poor Cornelio is,  
Betwixt his large divorce, and no divorce,  
I long to see, and what he will resolve:  
I lay my life he cannot chew his meat,  
And looks much like an Ape had swallowed pills,  
And all this comes of bootless jealousy:  
And see where bootless jealousy appears. Enter Cornel.  
I'll board him straight; how now Cornelio?  
Are you resolved on the divorce or no?   Cor. 

What's that to you? look to your own affairs,  
The time requires it; are not you engaged  
In some bonds forfeit for Valerio?   Rinal. 
Yes, what of that?  Corn. 

Why so am I myself,  
And both our dangers great, he is arrested  
On a recognisance, by a usuring slave.   Rinal. 

Arrested? I am sorry with my heart,  
It is a matter may import me much,  
May not our bail suffice to free him think you?   Cor. 

I think it may, but I must not be seen in't,  
Nor would I wish you, for we both are parties,  
And liker far to bring ourselves in trouble,  
Then bear him out: I have already made  
Means to the officers to sequester him  
In private for a time, till some in secret  
Might make his Father understand his state,  
Who would perhaps take present order for him,  
Rather than suffer him t'endure the shame  
Of his imprisonment; Now, would you but go  
And break the matter closely to his Father,  
(As you can wisely do't) and bring him to him,  
This were the only way to save his credit,  
And to keep off a shroud blow from ourselves.   Rinal. 
I know his Father will be moved past measure.  Corn. 

Nay if you stand on such nice ceremonies,  
Farewell our substance: extreme diseases  
Ask extreme remedies, better he should storm  
Some little time, than we be beat for ever  
Under the horrid shelter of a prison,   Rinal. 
Where is the place?  Corn. 

'tis at the half Moon Tavern,  
Hast, for the matter will abide no stay.   Rin. 
Heaven send my speed be equal with my haste.  Exit. Corn. 

Go shallow scholar, you that make all Gulls,  
You that can outsee clear-eyed jealousy,  
Yet make this slight a Millstone, where your brain  
Sticks in the midst amazed: This Gull to him  
And to his fellow Guller, shall become  
More bitter than their baiting of my humour:  
Here at this Tavern shall Gostanzo find,  
Fortunio, Darioto, Claudio,  
And amongst them, the ringleader his son  
His husband, and his Saint Valerio,  
That knows not of what fashion Dice are made,  
Nor ever yet looked towards a red lettuce,  
(Thinks his blind Sire) at drinking and at Dice,  
With all their wenches, and at full discover  
His own gross folly, and his sons distempers,  
And both shall know (although I be no scholar)  
Yet I have thus much Latin, as to say  
Iam sumus ergo pares.   Exit. Enter Valerio, Fortunio, Claudio, Page, Great: Gazetta, Bellanora. A Drawer or two, setting a Table. Val. 

Set me the Table here, we will shift rooms,  
To see if Fortune will shift chances with us:  
Sit Ladies, fit, Fortunio place thy wench,  
And Claudio place you Darioto's mistress,  
I wonder where that neat spruce slave becomes:  
I think he was some barber's son by th'mass,  
'tis such a picked fellow, not a hair  
About his whole Bulk, but it stands in print,  
Each Pin hath his due place, not any point,  
But hath his perfect tie, fashion, and grace,  
A thing whose soul is specially employed  
In knowing where best Gloves, best Stockings, Waistcoats,  
Curiously wrought are sold; sacks milliner's shops  
For all new tires and fashions, and can tell ye  
What new devices of all sorts there are:  
And that there is not in the whole Rialto,  
But one new-fashioned waistcoat, or one Nightcap,  
One pair of Gloves, pretty or well perfumed,  
And from a pair of Gloves of half a crown,  
To twenty crowns: will to a very scute  
Smell out the price: and for these womanly parts  
He is esteemed a witty Gentleman.   Fortunio. 
See where he comes.  Enter Darioto. Dari. 
God save you lovely Ladies.  Val. 

I well said lovely Paris, your wall eye,  
Must ever first be gloating on men's wives,  
You think to come upon us, being half drunk,  
And so to part the freshest man amongst us,  
But you shall overtake us, I'll be sworn.   Dario. 
Tush man where are your dice? let's fall to them.  Clau. 
We have been at am, Drawer, call for more.  Vale. 

First let's have Wine, Dice have no perfect edge,  
Without the liquid whetstone of the syrup.   Fort. 

True, and to welcome Darioto's lateness,  
He shall (unpledged) carouse one crowned cup  
To all these ladies' health.   Dari. 
I am well pleased.  Val. 

Come on, let us vary our sweet time  
With sundry exercises, Boy? Tobacco.  
And Drawer, you must get us music too,  
Calls in a cleanly noise, the slaves grow lousy.   Drawer. 
You shall have such as we can get you sir.  Exit. Dariot.. 
Let's have some Dice: I pray thee, they are cleanly.  Ual. 
Page, Let me see that leaf?  Page. 
It is not Leaf Sir, 'tis pudding cane tobacco  Val. 
But I mean, your Linstock sir, what leaf is that I pray  Page. 
I pray you see sir, for I cannot read.  Ual. 

'sfoot a rank stinking Satire: this had been  
Enough to have poisoned every man of us.   Dari. 

And now you speak of that, my Boy once lighted  
A pipe of Cane Tobacco with a piece  
Of a vild Ballad, and I'll swear I had  
A singing in my head a whole week after.   Ual. 
Well, th'old verse is, A petibus incipe io-c-um.  Enter Drawer with Wine and a Cup. Uall. 

Drawer, fill out this Gentleman's Carouse,  
And harden him for our society.   Dariot. 
Well Ladies here is to your honoured healths.  For. 
What Dariotto, without hat or knee?  Ual. 

Well said Fortunio, O you're a rare Courtier,  
Your knee good signor, I beseech your knee.   Dariot. 
Nay pray you, let's take it by degrees Valerio; on our feet first, for this will bring's too soon upon our knees.  Vall. 

Sir, there are no degrees of order in a Tavern,  
Here you must, I charged ye run all a head,  
Slight, Courtier, down;  
I hope you are no Elephant, you have joints?   Dari. 
Well Sir, here's to the Ladies on my knees.  Vall. 
I'll be their pledge.  Enter Gostanzo & Rinaldo. Fort. 

Not yet Valerio,  
This he must drink unpledge.   Uall. 
He shall not, I will give him this advantage.  Gost. 
How now? what's here are these the Officers?  Rin. 
'slight, I would all were well.  Enter Cornelio. Uall. 

He is his pledge:  
Here's to our common friend Cornelio's health.   Clau. 
Health to Gazetta, Poison to her husband.  He kneels. Cor. 
Excellent Guests: these are my daily Guests.  Ual. 

Drawer make even th'impartial scales of justice,  
Give it to Claudio, and from him fill round.  
Come Dariotto, set me, let me rest,  
Come in when they have done the ladies right.   Gost. 
Set me, do you know what belongs to setting?  Rin. 
What a dull slave was I to be thus gulled.  Cor. 

Why Rinald, what meant you to entrap your friend,  
And bring his Father to this spectacle?  
You are a friend in deed.   Rin. 

'tis very good Sir,  
Perhaps my friend, or I, before we part,  
May make even with you.   Fort. 
Come, let's set him round.  Uall. 

Do so: at all. A plague upon these Dice.  
Another health, 'sfoot I shall have no luck,  
Till I be drunk: come on, here's to the comfort,  
The Cavalier my Father should take in me,  
If he now saw me, and would do me right.   Fort. 
I'll pledge it, and his health Valerio.  Gost. 
here's a good Husband.  Rin. 
I pray you have patience Sir.  Val. 
Now have at all, an't were a thousand pound.  Gost. 
Hold Sir, I bar the Dice.  Val. 

What Sir, are you there?  
Fill's a fresh pottle, by this light, Sir Knight,  
You shall do right.   Enter Marc. Ant. Gost. 

O thou ungracious villain,  
Come, come, we shall have you now thunder forth  
Some of your thrifty sentences, as gravely:   
For as much Valerius as every thing has time, and a Pudding has two: yet ought not satisfaction to swerver so much from defalcation of well disposed people, as that indemnity should prejudice what security doth insinuate: a trial yet once again.  Marc. An. 

here's a good sight, you're well encountered sir,  
Did not I tell you you'd o'ershoot yourself  
With too much wisdom.   Val. 

Sir, your wisest do so.  
Fill the old man some wine.   Gost. 
here's a good Infant.  Marc. 

Why Sir: alas I'll wager with your wisdom,  
His consorts drew him to it, for of himself  
He is both virtuous, bashful, innocent:  
Comes not at City: knows no City Art,  
But plies your Husbandry; dares not view a Wench.   Ual. 
Father, he comes upon you.  Gost. 
here's a Son.  Marc. 
Whose wife is Gratiana now I pray?  Gost. 

Sing your old song no more, your brain's too short  
To reach into these policies.   Marc. 

'tis true,  
Mine eyes soon blinded: and yourself would say so,  
If you knew all: Where lodged your Son last night?  
Do you know that with all your policy?   Gost. 

You'll say he lodged with you, and did not I  
Foretell you: all this must for colour sake  
Be brought about, only to blind your eyes?   Marc. 

By heaven I chanced this morn, I know not why  
To pass by Gratiana's bedchamber,  
And whom saw I fast by her naked side,  
But your Valerio?   Gost. 

Had you not warning given?  
Did not I bid you watch my Courtier well,  
Or he would set a Crest a your sons head?   Marc. 

That was not all, for by them on a stool,  
My Son sat laughing, to see you so gulled,   Gost. 
'tis too too plain.  Mar. 
Why Sir, do you suspect it the more for that?  Gost. 

Suspect it? is there any  
So gross a wittol, as if 'twere his wife,  
Would sit by her so tamely?   Mar. 
Why not Sir, To blind my eyes?  Gost. 

Well Sir, I was deceived,  
But I shall make it prove a dear deceit to the deceiver.   Rin. 

Nay Sir, let's not have  
A new infliction, set on an old fault:  
He did confess his fault upon his knees,  
You pardoned it, and swore 'twas from your heart.   Gost. 

Swore; a great piece of work, the wretch shall know  
I have a Daughter here to give my land too,  
I'll give my Daughter all: the prodigal  
Shall not have one poor House to hide his head in.   Fort. 

I humbly thank you Sir, and vow all duty  
My life can yield you.   Gost. 
Why are you so thankful?  Fort. 

For giving to your Daughter all your Lands,  
Who is my Wife, and so you gave them me,   Gost. 
Better, and better.  Fort. 

Pray Sir be not moved,  
You drew me kindly to your house, and gave me  
Access to woe your Daughter, whom I loved:  
And since (by honoured marriage) made my wife.   Gost. 

Now all my Choler fly out in your wits:  
Good tricks of Youth i'faith, no Indecorum,  
knight's son, knight's daughter; Marc. Antonio  
Give me your hand, There is no remedy,  
Marriage is ever made by Destiny.   Rin. 

Silence my Masters, now here all are pleased,  
Only but Cornelio: who lacks but persuasion  
To reconcile himself to his fair wife:  
Good Sir will you (of all men our best speaker)  
Persuade him to receive her into grace?   Gost. 
That I will gladly, and he shallbe ruled good Cornelio: I have heard of your wayward jealousy, and I must tell you plain as a friend, you're an Ass: you must pardon me, I knew your Father.  Rin. 
Then you must pardon him, indeed Sir.  Gost. 
Understand me: put case Dariotto loved your wife, whereby you would seem to refuse her; would you desire to have such a Wife as no man could love but yourself?  Mar. 
Answer but that Cornelio.  Gost. 
Understand me: Say Dariotto hath kissed your wife, or performed other offices of that nature, whereby they did converse together at bed and at board, as friends may seem to do:  Mar. 
Mark but the now understand me.  Gost. 
Yet if there come no proofs, but that her actions were cleanly, or indiscreet private, why 'twas a sign of modesty: and will you blow the Horne yourself, when you may keep it to yourself? Go to, you are a Fool, understand me?  Val. 
Do understand him Cornelio.  Gost. 
Nay Cornalio I tell you again, I knew your Father; He was a wise Gentleman, and so was your Mother: methinks I see her yet, a lusty stout Woman, bore great Children, you were the very scoundrel of am all; but let that pass: As for your Mother, she was wise, a most flippant tongue she had, and could set out her Tail with as good grace as any she in Florence, come cut and long-tail; and she was honest enough too: But yet by your leave she would tickle Dob now and then, as well as the best on am; By jove it's true Cornelio, I speak it not to flatter you: your Father knew it well enough, and would he do as you do think you? set Rascals to undermine her, or look to her water, (as they say)? No, when he saw 'twas but her humour (for his own quietness sake) he made a Backdoor to his house for convenience, got a Bell to his fore door, and had an odd fashion in ringing, by which she and her Maid knew him; and would stand talking to his next neighbour to prolong time, that all things might be rid cleanly out o' the way before he came, for the credit of his Wife: This was wisdom now, for a man's own-quiet.  Mar. 
Here was a man Cornelio.  Gost. 
What I say? Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.  Cor. 
Why hark you, you two Knights; Do you think I will forsake Gazetta?  Gost. 
And will you not?  Cor. 
Why there's your wisdom; why did I make show of Divorce think you?  Marc. 
Pray you why Sir?  Cor. 
Only to bridle her stout stomach: and how did I draw on the colour for my divorce? I did train the Woodcock Dariotto into the net, drew him to my house, gave him opportunity with my wife (as you say my Father dealt with his wives friends) only to train him in: let him alone with my wife in her bedchamber; and sometimes found him a bed with her, and went my way back again softly, only to draw him into the Pit.  Gost. 
This was well handled in deed Cornelio.  Marc. 
I marry Sir, now I commend your wisdom.  Corn. 
Why, if I had been so minded as you think, I could have flung his Pantable down the stairs, or done him some other disgrace: but I winked at it, and drew on the good fool more and more, only to bring him within my compass.  Gost. 
Why, this was policy in grain.  Cor. 
And now shall the world see I am as wise as my father.  Ual. 
Is't come to this? then will I make a speech in praise of this reconcilement, including therein the praise and honour of the most fashionable and authentical horn: stand close Gentles, and be silent.  He gets into a chair. Gost. 
Come on, let's hear his wit in this potable humour.  Ualerio. 
THe course of the world (like the life of man) is said to be divided into several ages: As we into Infancy, Childhood, Youth, and so forward to Old-age: So the World into the Golden age, the Silver, the Brass, the Iron, the Leaden, the Wooden; and now into this present age, which we term the Horned age: not that but former ages have enjoyed this benefit as well as our times; but that in ours it is more common, and nevertheless precious. It is said, that in the Golden age of the world, the use of Gold was not then known: an argument of the simplicity of that age, lest therefore succeeding ages should hereafter impute the same fault to us, which we lay upon the first age; that we living in the Horned age of the world, should not understand the use, the virtue, the honour, and the very royalty of the Horn; I will in brief sound the praises thereof, that they who are already in possession of it, may bear their heads aloft, as being proud of such lofty accoutrements: And they that are but in possibility, may be ravished with a desire to be in possession.  
A Trophy so honourable, and unmatchably powerful, that it is able to raise any man from a Beggar to an emperors fellow, a Duke's fellow, a Nobleman's fellow, Alderman's fellow; so glorious, that it deserves to be worn (by most opinions) in the most conspicuous place about a man: For what worthier Crest can you bear then the Horn? which if it might be seen with our mortal eyes, what a wonderful spectacle would there be? and how highly they would ravish the beholders? But their substance is incorporal, not falling under sense, nor mixed of the gross concretion of Elements, but a quintessence beyond them; a spiritual essence invisible, and everlasting.  
And this hath been the cause that many men have called their being in question, whether there be such a thing in verum natura, or not; because they are not to be seen: as though nothing were that were not to be seen? whoever saw the Wind? yet what wonderful effects are seen of it? It drives the clouds, yet no man sees it: It rocks the House, bears down Trees, Castles, Steeples, yet who sees it? In like sort does your Horn, it swells the Forehead, yet none sees it: it rocks the Cradle, yet none sees it: so that you plainly perceive Sense, is no judge of Essence. The Moon to any man's sense, seems to be Horned; yet who knows not the Moon to be ever perfectly round: So likewise your Heads seem ever to be round, when in deed they are oftentimes Horned: for their original, it is unsearchable: Natural they are not; for there is Beast borne with Horns, more than with Teeth: Created they were not, for Ex nihilo nihil sit; Then will you ask me, How came they into the world? I know not; but I am sure Women brought them into this part of the world, howsoever some Doctors are of opinion that they came in with the Devil: and not unlike; for, as the Devil brought Sin into the world; but the Woman brought it to the Man: so it may very well be that the Devil brought Horns into the world; but the Woman brought them to the man,  
For their power it is general over the world, no Nation so barbarous, no Country so proud, but doth equal homage to the Horn. Europa when she was carried through the Sea by the Saturnian Bull, was said (for fear of falling) to have held by the Horn: and what is this but a plain showing to us, that all Europa, which took name from that Europa, should likewise hold by the Horn: So that I say, it is universal over the face of the world, general over the face of Europe, and common over the face of this Country. What City, what Town, what Village, what Street? nay what House can quit itself of this prerogative? I have read that the Lion once made a Proclamation through all the Forest, that all Horned Beasts should depart forthwith upon pain of death: If this Proclamation should be made through our Forest, Lord what pressing, what running, what flying, would there be even from all the parts of it? he that had but a bunch of Flesh in his head would away: and some foolishly fearful, would imagine the shadow of his Ears to be horns: alas how desert would this Forest be left?  
To conclude for there force it is inevitable, for were they not inevitable, then might either properness of person secure a man, or wisdom prevent am; or greatness exempt, or riches redeem them, but present experience hath taught us, that in this case, all these stand in no stead: for we see the properst men take part of them, the best wits cannot avoid them (for then should Poets be no cuckolds) nor can money redeem them, for then would richmen fine for their horns, as they do for offices: But this is held for a maxim, that there are more rich cuckolds then poor, lastly for continuance of the horn it is undeterminable till death: Neither do they determine with the wives death, (howsoever ignorant writers hold opinion they do) For as when a knight dies, his Lady still retains the title of Lady; when a company is cast yet the Captain still retains the title of Captain; So though the wife die by whom this title came to her husband, yet by the courtesy of the City, he shallbe a cuckold during life, let all ignorant asses prate what they list.  Gost. 

Notable wag, come sir shake hands with him,  
In whose high honour you have made this speech:   Mar Ant. 
And you sir come, join hands, you're one amongst them.  Gost. 

Very well done, now take your several wives,  
And spread like wildgeese, though you now grow tame:  
Live merrily together and agree,  
Horns cannot be kept off with jealousy.    
FINIS.  

 

  

   

Epilogue.  

SInce all our labours are as you can like,  
We all submit to you; nor dare presume,  
To think there's any real worth in them:  
Sometimes feasts please the cooks, and not the guests,  
Sometimes the guests, and curious Cooks contemn them,  
Our dishes we entirely dedicate  
To our kind guests, but since ye differ so,  
Some to like only mirth without taxations,  
Some to count such works trifles, and such like,  
We can but bring you meat, and set you stools,  
And to our best cheer say, you all are(  ) welcome.