MAY-DAY. A witty Comedy, divers times acted at the Black Friars.  
Written by GEORGE CHAPMAN.  
LONDON. Printed for john brown; dwelling in Fleetstreet in Saint Dunston's Churchyard. 1611.   

MAY-DAY.  

Actus prima,  

Scaena prima.  Chorus Iwenum cantantes & saltantes. Exeunt saltan. Interim, Intrat Lorenzo, Papers in his hand. Lor. 
WEll done my lusty bloods, Well done. Fit, fit observance for this May-morning; Not the may-month alone, they take when it comes; Nor the first week of that month; Nor the first day; but the first minute of the first hour, of the first day. Lose no time bloods, lose no time; though the Sun go to bed never so much before you, yet be you up before him; call the golden sluggard from the silver arms of his Lady, to light you into yours, when your old father january here in one of his last days, thrusts his forehead into the depth of May's fragrant bosom: What may you Aprils perform then? O what may you do? Well yet will I say thus much for myself, wheresoever the affections of youth are, there must needs be the instruments, and where the instruments are, there must of necessity be the faculties; What am I short of them then? A sound old man, ably constituted, handsomely dieted, that took his May temperately at their ages, and continued his own; why should he not continue their ages in his own? By the Mass I feel nothing that stands against it, and therefore sweet May I salute thee with the youngest: I have love to employ thee in, as well as the proudest young princock, and so have at you Mistress Frances China: have at you Mistress Frank: I'll spread my nets for you i'faith, though they be my very purse nets, wherein what heart will not willingly lie panting? (Enter Angelo.)  Ang. 
How now? God's my life, I wonder what made this May-morning so cold, and now I see 'tis this january that intrudes into it; what paper is that he holds in hand trow we?  Lor. 
Here have I put her face in rhyme, but I fear my old vain will not stretch to her contentment. O hair, no hair but beams stolen from the Sun.  Ang. 
Out upon her, if it be she that I think, she has a Fox red cranion;  Lor. 
A forehead that disdains the name of fair.  Ang. 
And reason, for 'tis a folwe one.  Lor. 
A matchless eye.  Ang. 
True, her eyes be not matches.  Lor. 
A cheek, vermilion red.  Ang. 
Painted I warrant you.  Lor. 
A far commanding mouth.  Ang. 
It stretches to her ears in deed.  Lor. 
A nose made out of wax.  Ang. 
A red nose, in sincerity.  Lor. 
This could I send, but person, person does it: A good presence, to bear out a good wit; a good face, a pretty Court leg, and a deft dapper parsonage, no superfluous dimensions, but fluent in competence; for it is not Hector but Paris, not the full armful, but the sweet handful that Ladies delight in.  Ang. 
O notable old whinyard.  Lor. 
Such a size of humanity now, and brain enough in it, it is not in the strength of a woman to withstand; well she may hold out a parley or two, for 'tis a weak fort that obeys at the first or second summons, if she resist the third she is discharged, though she yield in future: for then it appears it was no fault of hers: but the man that would take no denial. What rests now? means for access: True. O an honest Bawd were worth gold now.  Ang. 
A plague upon him, I had thought to have appeared to him, but now if I do, he will take me for the man he talks on: I will therefore post by his dull eyesight, as in haste of business.  Lor. 
What signor Angelo? soft I command you.  Ang. 
God's precious, what mean you Sir?  Lor. 
I would be loath to be outrun I assure you Sir: was I able to stay you?  Ang. 
Your ability stood too stiff Sir, beshrew me else.  Lor. 
O most offenceless fault, I would thou wouldst blaze my imperfection to one thou know'st, i'faith.  Ang. 
Well Sir another time, tell me where she is, and I'll do so much for you gratis. Good morrow Sir.  Lor. 
Nay stay good Angelo.  Ang. 
My business says nay Sir, you have made me stay to my pain Sir, I thank you.  Lor. 
Not a whit man I warrant thee.  Ang. 
Go to then, briefly, to whom shall I commend your imperfections, will you tell me if I name her?  Lor. 
That I will, i'faith Boy.  Ang. 
Is not her hair, no hair, but beams stolen from the Sun?  Lor. 
Black, black as an ouzel.  Ang. 
A forehead that disdains the name of fair.  Lor. 
Away Witch, away:  Ang. 
A matchless eye.  Lor. 
Nay fie, fie, fie. I see thouart a very Devil Angelo. And in earnest, I jested, when I said my desire of thy friendship touched myself, for it concerns a friend of mine just of my standing.  Ang. 
To whom then would he be remembered that I can solicit?  Lor. 
To sweet Mistress Franciscina: with whom I hear thou art ready to lie down, thou art so great with her.  Ang. 
I am as great as a near Kinsman may be with her Sir, not otherwise:  Lor. 
A good consanguinity: and good Angelo, to her with thou deliver from my friend, in all secrecy, these poor brace of bracelets?  Ang. 
Perhaps I will Sir, when I know what the Gentleman and his intent is.  Lor. 
Never examine that man; I would not trouble you with carrying too much at once to her, only tell her, such a man will resolve her, naming me: and I do not greatly care, if I take the pains to come to her, so I stay not long, and be let in privily: and so without making many words: here they be, put them up closely I beseech thee, and deliver them as closely.  Ang. 
Well Sir, I love no contention with friends, and therefore pocket many things, that otherwise I would not: but I pray Sir licence me a question. Do not I know this Gentleman that offers my cousin this kindness?  Lor. 
Never sawst him in thy life, at least never knew'st him; but for his bounty's sake to all his well willers, if this message be friendly discharged, I may chance put a dear friend of him into your bosom: Sir, and make you profitably acquainted.  Ang. 
But I pray you Sir, is he not a well elderly Gentleman?  Lor. 
Wide, wide; as young as day, I protest to thee.  Ang. 
I know he is young too, but that is in ability of body, but is he not a pretty little squat Gentleman, as you shall see amongst a thousand?  Lor. 
Still from the cushion, still, tall and high, like a Cedar.  Ang. 
I know he is tall also, but it is in his mind Sir, and it is not Hector but Paris, not thy full armful, but the sweet handful that a Lady delights to dandle.  Lor. 
Now the good Devil take thee, if there be any such in hell, hell I beseech thee.  Ang. 
Well, well signor Lorenzo, i'faith the little Squire is thought to be as parlesse a piece of flesh, for a piece of flesh, as any hunts the hole pale of Venus I protest t'ee.  Lor. 
I cannot contain myself, i'faith Boy, if the Wenches come in my walk, I give 'em that they come for, I dally not with hem.  Ang. 
I know you do not Sir, his dallying days be done.  Lor. 
It is my infirmity, and I cannot do withal, to die for't.  Ang. 
I believe you Sir.  Lor. 
There are certain envious old fellows, my neighbours, that say, I am one unwieldly and stiff: Angelo, didst ever hear any wench complain of my stiffness?  Ang. 
Never in my life: your old neighbours measure you by themselves.  Lor. 
Why there's the matter then?  Ang. 
But i'faith Sir: do you ever hope to win your purpose at my losing hands, knowing her (as all the world does) a woman of that approved lowliness of life, and so generally tried?  Lor. 
As for that take thou no care, she's a woman, is she not?  Ang. 
Sure I do take her to have the flesh and blood of a woman.  Lor. 
Then good enough, or then bad enough, this token shall be my Gentleman Usher to prepare my access, and then let me alone with her.  Ang. 
I marry Sir, I think you would be alone with her; Well Sir, I will do my best, but if your Gentleman Usher should not get entrance for you now, it would be a grief to me. (Enter Gasparo an old Clown.)  Lor. 
Fear it not man: Gifts and gold, take the strongest hold; Away, here comes a snudge that must be my son in law: I would be loath he should suspect these tricks of youth in me, for fear he fear my daughter will trot after me.  Ang. 
Fare you well Sir. Exit.  Gasp. 
Godge you God morrow Sir, godge you God morrow.  Lor. 
God morrow neighbour Gasparo: I have talked with my daughter, whom I do yet find a green young plant, and therefore unapt to bear such ripe fruit, I think I might have said rotten, as yourself: But she is at my disposition, and shall be at yours in the end, here's my hand, and with my hand take hers.  Gasp. 
Nay by my faith Sir, you must give me leave to shake her portion by the hand first.  Lor. 
It is ready told for you Sir, come home when you will and receive it, (Enter Aemilia. )and see, yonder she comes; away, she cannot yet abide you, because she fears she can abide you too well.  Gasp. 
Well, I will come for her potion Sir, and till then, God take you to his mercy. Exit.  Lor. 
Adieu my good son in law, I'll not interrupt her, let her meditate a my late motion. Exit.  Aemi. 
'Tis strange to see the impiety of parents,  
Both privileged by custom, and professed,  
The holy institution of heaven;  
Ordaining marriage for proportioned minds,  
For our chief human comforts; and t'increase  
The loved images of God in men:  
Is now perverted to th'increase of wealth;  
We must bring riches forth, and like the cuckoo  
Hatch others' eggs; join house to house, in choices  
Fit timber-logs and stones, not men and women: (Enter Aurelio.)  
Ay me, here's one I must shun, would embrace. Exit.  Aur. 
O stay and hear me speak or see me die. (Enter Lodovico and Giacono.)  Lod. 
How now? what have we here? what a loathsome creature man is being drunk: Is it not pity to see a man of good hope, a toward Scholar, writes a theme well, scans a verse very well, and likely in time to make a proper man, a good leg, specially in a boot, valiant, well spoken, and in a word, what not? and yet all this overthrown as you see, drowned, quite drowned in a quart pot.  Giac. 
O these same wicked healths, breed monstrous diseases.  Lod. 
Aurelio, speak man, Aurelio?  Giac. 
Pray heaven all be well.  Lod. 
O speak, if any spark of speech remain.  
It is thy dear Aemilia that calls.  Aur. 
Well, well, it becomes not a friend to touch the deadly wounds of his friend with a smiling countenance.  Lod. 
Touch thee? 'sblood I could find in my heart to beat thee; up in a fools name, up: what a Scene of foppery have we here?  Aur. 
Prithee have done.  Lod. 
Up cuckoo Cupid's bird, or by this light I'll fetch thy father to thee.  Aur. 
Good Lodovico, if thou lov'st me, leave me; thou com'st to counsel me from that, which is joined with my soul in eternity: I must and will do what I do.  Lod. 
Do so then, and I protest thou shalt never lick thy lips after my Kinswoman, while thou liv'st: I had thought to have spoken for thee, if thou hadst taken a manly course with her: but to fold up thyself like an urchin, and lie a calving to bring forth a husband: I am ashamed to think on't: 'sblood I have heard of wenches that have been won with singing and dancing, and some with riding, but never heard of any that was won with tumbling in my life.  Aur. 
If thou knew'st how vain thou seem'st.  Lod. 
I do it of purpose, to show how vain I hold thy disease, S'hart art thou the first that has shot at a wench's heart and mist it? must that shot that missed her wound thee? let her shake her heels in a shrew's name: were she my cousin a thousand times, and if I were as thee, I would make her shake her heels too, afore I would shake mine thus.  Aur. 
O vanity, vanity.  Lod. 
'Sdeath, if any wench should offer to keep possession of my heart against my will, I'd fire her out with Sack and Sugar, or smoke her out with tobacco, like a hornet, or purge for her, for love is but a humour: one way or other I would vent her, that's infallible.  Aur. 
For shame hold thy tongue, methinks thy wit should feel how stale are these love storms, and with what general privilege love pierces the worthiest. Seek to help thy friend, not mock him.  Lod. 
Marry, seek to help thyself then, in a halter's name, do not lie in a ditch, and say God help me, use the lawful tools he hath lent thee. Up I say I will bring thee to her.  Aur. 
she'll not endure me:  Lod. 
She shall endure thee do the worst thou canst to her, I and endure thee till thou canst not endure her; But then thou must use thyself like a man, and a wise man, how deep soever she is in thy thoughts, carry not the prints of it in thy looks; be bold and careless, and stand not sauntering afar off, as I have seen you, like a Dog in a firmetypot, that licks his chops and wags his tail, and fain would lay his lips to it, but he fears 'tis too hot for him: that's the only way to make her too hot for thee. He that holds religious and sacred thought of a woman, he that bears so reverend a respect to her, that he will not touch her but with a kissed hand and a timorous heart; he that adores her like his Goddess: Let him be sure she will shun him like her slave. Alas good souls, women of themselves are tractable and tactable enough, and would return Quid for Quod still, but we are they that spoil'em, and we shall answer for't another day. We are they that put a kind of wanton Melancholy into 'em, that makes 'em think their noses bigger than their faces, greater than the Sun in brightness; and where as Nature made 'em but half fools, we make 'em all fool. And this is our palpable flattery of them, where they had rather have plain dealing Well, in conclusion, I'll to her instantly, and if I do not bring her to thee, or at the least some special favour from her, as a feather from her fan, or a string from her shoe, to wear in thy hat, and so forth, then never trust my skill in poultry whilst thou liv'st again. Exit.  Enter Quintiliano, 
A purse of twenty pound in gold.  Innocentio, Fransischina, Angelo, and Fannio. Fran. 
THou shalt not to the wars, or if thou dost I'll bear thee company, dear Quint. do not offer to forsake me.  Quint. 
Hands off wife, hang not upon me thus; how can I maintain thee but by using my valour? and how can I use that, but in action and employment? go in, play at cards with your cousin Angelo here, and let it suffice I love thee.  Ang. 
Come sweet cousin, do not cloy your husband with your love so, especially to hinder his preferment; who shall the Duke have to employ in these martial necessities if not Captain Quintiliano, he bears an honourable mind, and 'tis pity but he should have employment. Let him get a company now, and he will be able to maintain you like a Duchess hereafter.  Innoc. 
Well said signor Angelo, gossave me you speak like a true Cousin indeed, does he not Quint?  Quint. 
He does so, and I thank him; yet see how the fool puts finger i'th' eye still.  Ang. 
I'll cheer her up, I warrant you Captain; come coz, let's in to tables.  Innoc. 
Farewell sweet Mistress.  Fran. 
Farewell my good servant.  Ang. 
Now take away thy hand, and show thou didst laugh all this while; good Lord who would not marry to have so kind a wife make much on him? Exit.  Quint. 
After Boy, give your attendance.  Fann. 
Could you not spare me money for mine hostess, where you put me to board? you're a whole fortnight arrearages.  Quint. 
Attend I say, the hosts of the Lion has a leg like a Giant, want for nothing Boy, so she score truly.  Fann. 
Faith Sir, she has chalked up twenty shillings already, and swears she will chalk no more.  Quint. 
Then let her choke, and choke thou with her: 'Sblood hobby horse, and she had chalked up twenty pounds, I hope the world knows I am able to pay it with a wet finger.  Fann. 
Alas Sir, I think you're able, but the world does not know it.  Quint. 
Then the worlds an ignorant Sir, and you are an innocent, vanish Boy, away.  Fann. 
I hope he will foist some money for my score, out of this gull here. Exit.  Innoc. 
'Tis a plaguy good wag Quint. be't not?  Quint. 
I'll make him a good one 'ere I ha' done with him; but this same loving fool my wife now, will never leave weeping, till I make her believe I will not have a company. Who would be cumbered with these soft hearted creatures, that are ever in extremes, either too kind, or too unkind?  Innoc. 
Save me, 'tis true, 'tis a hard thing must please'em in sadness.  Quint. 
Damn me, if I do not pity her with my heart; plague on her kindness, she has half persuaded me to take no company.  Innoc. 
Nay sweet Quint: then how shall I be a Lieutenant?  Quint. 
Well, and my promise were not passed to thee, I am a villain if all the world should part Frank and me; think I love thee therefore, and will do thee credit: It will cost me a great deal a this same foolish money to buy me drum and ensign, and furnish me thoroughly, but the best is I know my credit.  Innoc. 
'sfoot Quint, we'll want no money man, I'll make my row of houses fly first.  Quint. 
Let'em walk, let'em walk; Candle rends: if the wars hold, or a plague come to the town, they'll be worth nothing.  Innoc. 
True, or while I am beyond Sea, some sleepy wench may set fire i'th' bedstraw.  Quint. 
Right, or there may come an earthquake, and overturn'em.  Innoc. 
Just, or there may be conjuring, and the wind may down with'em.  Quint. 
Or some crafty pettifogger may find a hole in the title, a thousand casualties belongs to 'em.  Innoc. 
Nay, they shall walk, that's certain, I'll turn 'em into money.  Quint. 
That's thy most husbandly course i'faith Boy, thou mayst have twenty i'th' hundred for thy life, I'll be thy man for two hundred.  Innoc. 
wilt i'faith Quint? gossave me 'tis done.  Quint. 
For your life, not otherwise.  Innoc. 
Well, I desire no more, so you'll remember me for my lieutenantship.  Quint. 
Remember thee? 'tis thine own already Boy, a hundred pounds shall not buy it from thee; give me thy hand. I do here create thee Lieutenant Innocentio.  Innoc. 
If you have a company Captain.  Quint. 
If I have: damn me if such another word do not make me put thee out o'th' place again; if I have a company, 'sfoot, let the Duke deny me one, I would 'twere come to that once, that employment should go with the undeserver, while men of service sit at home, and feed their anger with the blood of red lattices. Let the Duke deny me today, I'll renounce him tomorrow. I'll to the enemy point blank, I'm a villain else:  Innoc. 
And I by heaven I swear.  Quint. 
Well if that day come, it will prove a hot day with somebody.  Innoc. 
But Captain, did not you say that you would enter me at an Ordinary, that I might learn to converse?  Quint. 
When thou wilt Lieutenant; No better time than now, for now thouart in good clothes, which is the most material point for thy entrance there.  Innoc. 
ay but how should I behave myself?  Quint. 
Marry Sir, when you come first in, you shall see a crew of Gallants of all sorts:  Innoc. 
Nay Captain if I come first in I shall see nobody.  Quint. 
Tush man, you must not do so, if you have good clothes and will be noted let am all come in afore you, and then as I said shall you see a lusty crew of Gallants, some Gentlemen, some none; but that's all one: he that bears himself like a Gentleman, is worthy to have been borne a Gentleman: some aged have beards, and some have none, some have money, and some have none, yet all must have meat: Now will all these I say at your first entrance wonder at you, as at some strange Owl: Examine your person, and observe your bearing for a time. Do you then o'th' tother side seem to neglect their observance as fast, let your countenance be proof against all eyes, not yielding or confessing in it any inward defect. In a word be impudent enough, for that's your chief virtue of society.  Innoc. 
Is that? faith and I need not learn that, I have that by nature I thank God.  Quint. 
So much the better, for nature is far above Art, or judgement. Now for your behaviour; let it be free and negligent, not clogged with ceremony or observance, give no man honour, but upon equal terms; for look how much thou giv'st any man above that, so much thou tak'st from thyself: he that will once give the wall, shall quickly be thrust into the kennel: measure not thy carriage by any man's eye, thy speech by no man's ear, but be resolute and confident in doing and saying, and this is the grace of a right Gentleman as thou art.  Innoc. 
'sfoot, that I am I hope, I am sure my father has been twice Warden on's company.  Quint. 
That's not a pear matter man, there's no prescription for Gentility, but good clothes and impudence: for your place, take it as it falls, but so as you think no place too good for you; fall too with ceremony whatsoever the company be: and as near as you can, when they are in their Mutton, be thou in thy Woodcock, it shows resolution. Talk any thing, thou carest not what, so it be without offence, and as near as thou canst without sense.  Innoc. 
Let me alone for that Captain I warrant you.  Quint. 
If you chance to tell a lie, you must bind it with some oath, as by this bread, for breads a binder you know.  Innoc. 
True.  Quint. 
And yet take heed you swear by no man's bread but your own, for that may breed a quarrel: above all things you must carry no coals.  Innoc. 
By heaven not I, I'll freeze to death first.  Quint. 
Well Sir, one point more I must remember you of. After dinner there will be play, and if you would be counted complete, you must venture amongst them; for otherwise, they'll take you for a Scholar or a Poet, and so fall into contempt of you: for there is no virtue can scape the account of baseness if it get money, but gaming and law; yet must you not lose much money at once, for that argues little wit at all times.  Innoc. 
As gossave me, and that's my fault; for if I be in once, I shall lose all I have about me.  Quint. 
Is true, Lieutenant? by’r lady Sir I'll be your moderator, therefore let me see how much money have you about you?  Innoc. 
Not much, some twenty mark or twenty pound in gold.  Quint. 
'Tis too much to lose by my faith, Lieutenant; give me your purse Sir, hold ye, here's two brace of Angels, you shall venture that for fashion sake, I'll keep the rest for you, till you have done play.  Innoc. 
That will be all one, for when that's lost I shall never leave till I get the rest from you: for I know thou wilt let me have it if I ask it.  Quint. 
Not a penny by this gold.  Innoc. 
Prithee do not then, as gossave me and you do:  Quint. 
And I do, hang me; Come let's to the Duke.  Exeunt.  
Finis Actus Primi.   

Actus Secundi,  

Scaena prima.  Enter Lucretia and Temperance, several ways. Tem. 
NAy Mistress, pray e'en go in again, for I have some inward news for you.  Lucr. 
What are those pray.  Tem. 
'tis no matter Mistress till you come in, but make much a time in the mean time, good fortune thrusts herself upon you in the likeness of a fine young Gentleman, hold up your apron and receive him while you may, a God's name.  Lucr. 
How say by that? you're a very wise counsellor.  Tem. 
Well Mistress, when I was a Maid, and that's a good while ago I can tell you.  Lucr. 
I think very well.  Tem. 
You were but a little one then I wiss.  Lucr. 
Nor you neither I believe.  Tem. 
Faith it's one of the furthest things I can remember.  Lucr. 
But what when you were a Maid?  Tem. 
Marry Mistress I took my time, I warrant you. And there's signor Leonoro now, the very flower of Venice, and one that loves you dearly I ensure you.  Lucr. 
God forgive him if he do, for I'll be sworn I never deserved his love, nor never will while I live.  Tem. 
Why then, what say to signor Collatine! there's a dainty piece of venison for you, and a fervent lover indeed.  Lucr. 
He? I dare say, he knows not what wood loves shafts are made of, his Signiory would think it the deepest disparagement could be done to him, to say that ever he spent sigh for any Dame in Italy.  Tem. 
Well, you have a whole brown dozen a suitors at least, I am sure; take your choice amongst'em all, if you love not all, yet you may love three or four on 'em to be doing withal.  Lucr. 
To be doing withal? love three or four?  Tem. 
Why not, so you love 'em moderately. What must that strange made piece Theagines that you cry out upon so often, have all from other, and yet know not where he is?  Lucr. 
O my Theagine, not Theagines, thy love hath turned me woman like thyself, shall thy sight never turn me man again. Come let's to the Minster, God hear my prayers as I intend to stop mine ears against all my suitors.  Tem. 
Well Mistress, yet peradventure, they may make you open afore the Priest have a penny for you,  Exeunt. Enter Lodovico and Aemilia. Lodo. 
here's a coil to make wit and women friends: come hither wench, let me have thee single; now sit thee down, and hear good counsel next thy heart, and God give thee grace to lay it to thy heart.  Aem. 
Fie cousin, will this wild tongue of yours never receive the bridle?  Lod. 
Yes, thou shalt now see me stroke my beard, and speak sententiously: thou tellest me thy little father is in hand with a great rich marriage for thee, and would have thee commit matrimony with old Gasparo, art thou willing with it?  Aem. 
I rather wish myself married to a thousand deaths.  Lod. 
Then I perceive thou know'st him not; did he never woo thee?  Aem. 
I protest, I never changed three words with him in my life; he hath once or twice wooed my father for me, but never me.  Lod. 
Why that's the reason thou lov'st him not, because thou tak'st in none of his valiant breath to inflame thee, nor vouchsaf'st his knowledge; I'll tell thee what he is, an old sapless trunk, fit to make touchwood of hollow, and bald like a blasted Oak, on whose top Ravens sit and croak the portents of funerals; one that 'noints his nose with clowced cream, and Pomatum. His breath smells like the butt end of a shoemakers horn. A leprous scaly hide like an Elephant. The son of a Sowgelder, that came to town (as I have heard thy father himself say) in a tottered russet coat, high shoes, and yet his hose torn above'em; A long pikestaff in his neck (and a tord in his teeth) and a wallet on his right shoulder, and now the cullion hath with Noverint universi eaten up some hundred Gentlemen: he must needs rise a Gentleman as 'twere out of their Ashes, or disparaged a Gentlewoman, to make himself a Gentleman, at least by the wives side.  Aem. 
The worse my fortune to be entangled with such a winding bramble.  Lod. 
Entangled? Nay if I thought 'twould ever come to that, I'd hire some shagrag or other for half a chicken to cut's throat, only to save thy hands from doing it; for I know thou wouldst poison him within one month; love thee he will never, and that must be thy happiness: for if he do, look to be cooped up like a prisoner, condemned to execution, scarce suffered to take the air, so much as at a window, or waited on continually by an old beldame: not to keep thee company, but to keep thee from company: thy pocket searched, thy cabinets ransacked for letters: ever in opposition, unless (like the Moon) once a month in conjunction; wealth thou mayst have indeed, but enjoy it as in a dream, for when thou wakest thou shalt find nothing in thy hand; (Enter Gasparo )and (to keep my tale in goodness) see how all the ill that can be spoken of him is expressed in his presence.  Aem. 
O ugly, and monstrous spectacle.  Lod. 
Now tell me whether thou wouldst make choice of him or a young gallant in prime of his choiceness; one that for birth, person, and good parts, might meritoriously marry a Countess; and one to whom his soul is not so dear as thyself. (Enter Aurelio )For all the world such another as he that comes here now: mark him well, see whether Gasparo and he be not a little different. Exit Aemilia .How now? 'sounds Aurelio? stay beast, wilt thou make such a blessed opportunity curse thee? I'll fetch her out to thee. Exit Lod.  Aure. 
Wretch that I am, how she loathes me? if I abide her, I shall consume in the lightnings of her anger. (Enter Lodovico with Aemilia.)  Exit Aure. Lod. 
Here's a life indeed; what's he gone? passion of death, what a babe 'tis? I could find in my heart to jerk him, but temper me friendship, no remedy now; now wit turn his defects to perfection. Why coz he's quite out of sight. By my life I commend him; why this is done like thyself Aurelia, were she the Queen of love and would run from thee, fly thou from her; why now I love thee, for I see thouart worthy of my love, thou carriest a respect to thine own worth, and wilt express it with spirit; I dare say, thou look'st to have had him fall on his knees, and adored thee, or beg his life at thy hands: or else turned Queen Dido, and pierce his tender heart with sword full sharp; no faith wench, the case is altered, love made Hercules spin, but it made him rage after: there must go time to the bridling of every passion; I hope my friend will not love a wench against her will, if she would have met his kindness half way, so: if she skit and recoil, he shoots her off warily, and away he goes: I marry Sir, this was a Gentlemanly part indeed. Farewell coz, be thou free in thy choice too, and take a better and thou canst a God's name. Exiturus.  Aem. 
Nay dear coz, a word.  Lod. 
A word? what's the matter? I must needs after him, and clap him o'th' back, this spirit must be cherished.  Aem. 
Alas what would you wish me to do?  Lod. 
Why, nothing.  Aem. 
Would you counsel me to marry him against my father's will?  Lod. 
Not for the world, leave him, leave him, leave him: you see he's resolved, he'll take no harm an you, never fear to imbrue your hands with his liver I warrant you.  Aem. 
Come you are such another.  Lod. 
This same riches with a husband, is the only thing in the world, I protest; good Gasparo, I am sorry I have abused thee i'faith, for my cousin's sake; how prettily the wretch came crawling by with his crooked knees even now: I have seen a young Gentlewoman, live as merry a life with an old man, as with the proudest young upstart on'em all: farewell coz, I am glad thouart so wise i'faith.  Aem. 
If you go, I die: fie on this affection, it rageth with suppression. Good coz, I am no longer able to continue it, I love, Aurelio better than it is possible for him to love me.  Lod. 
Away, away, and could not this have been done at first, without all these superfluous disgracings? O this same unhearty niceness of women, is good for nothing but to keep their housewife hands still occupied in this warp of dissembling.  
Well wench redeem thy fault, and write a kind letter to him presently, before this resolution of his take too deept root in him.  Aem. 
Nay sweet coz, make me not so immodest, to write so suddenly, let me have a little time to think upon't.  Lod. 
Think me on nothing till you write: think as you write, and than you shall be sure to write as you think. Women do best when they least think on't.  Aem. 
But rather than write I will meet him at your pleasure.  Lod. 
Meet him? dost thou think that I shall ever draw him again to meet thee, that rushed from thee even now with so just a displeasure?  Aem. 
Nay good coz, urge not my offence so bitterly, our next meeting shall pay the forfeit of all faults.  Lod. 
Well thouart my pretty coz, and I'll do my best to bring him to thee again, if I cannot, I shall be sorry i'faith, thou wert so injuriously strange to him. But where shall this interview be now.  Aem. 
There is the mischief, and we shall hardly avoid it, my father plies my haunts so closely: and uses means by our maid to entrap us, so that this terrace at our back gate is the only place we may safely meet at: from whence I can stand and talk to you. But sweet coz you shall swear, to keep this my kindness from Aurelio, and not intimate by any means that I am any thing acquainted with his coming.  Lod. 
'slife, dost think I am an Ass? to what end should I tell him? he and I'll come wandering that way to take the air, or so, and I'll discover thee.  Aem. 
By mere chance as 'twere.  Lod. 
By chance, by chance, and you shall at no hand see him at first, when I bring him for all this kindness you bear him.  Aem. 
By no means coz.  Lod. 
Very good: And if you endure any conference with him, let it be very little; and as near as you can, turn to your former strangeness in any case.  Aem. 
If do not coz, trust me not.  Lod. 
Or if you think good, you may flirt away again as soon as you see him, and never let your late fault be any warning t'ee.  Aem. 
I will do all this, I warrant thee coz.  Lod. 
Will you so Cozen fool? canst thou be brought to that silly humour again by any persuasions? by God's Lord, and you be strange again, more than needs must, for a temperate modesty, I'll break's neck down from thee, but he shall do as he did to thee.  Aem. 
Now, fie upon you coz, what a fool do you make me?  Lod. 
Well Dame, leave your superfluous nicety in earnest, and within this hour I will bring him to this terrace.  Aem. 
But good coz if you chance to see my chamber window open, that is upon the terrace, do not let him come in at it in any case.  Lod. 
'sblood how can he? can he come over the wall think'st?  Aem. 
O Sir, you men have not devices with ladders of topes to scale such walls at your pleasure, and abuse us poor wenches.  Lod. 
Now a plague of your simplicity, would you discourage him with prompting him? well Dame, I'll provide for you.  Aem. 
As you love me coz, no words of my kindness from me to him.  Lod. 
Go to, no more ado. Exit Lodovico and Aemilia.  Enter Leonoro Lionell and Temperance. Tem. 
GOd ye God morrow Sir, truly I have not heard a sweeter breath than your Page has.  Leo. 
I am glad you like him Mistress Temperance.  Tem. 
And how d'ee Sir?  Leo. 
That I must know of you Lady, my welfare depends wholly upon your good speed.  Tem. 
How say Sir? and by my soul I was coming to you in the morning when your young man came to me; I pray let him put on, unless it be for your pleasure.  Leo. 
He is young, and can endure the cold well enough bareheaded.  Tem. 
A pretty sweet child 'tis I promise you.  Leo. 
But what good news Mistress Temperance, will your Mistress be won to our kind meeting?  Tem. 
Faith I'll tell you Sir, I took her in a good mood this morning, and broke with her again about you, and she was very pleasant as she will be many times.  Leo. 
Very well, and is there any hope of speed?  Tem. 
No by my troth Gentleman, none in the world, an obstacle young thing it is, as ever I broke with all in my life: I have broke with a hundred in my days, though I say it, yet never met her comparison.  Leo. 
Are all my hopes come to this Mistress Temperance?  Tem. 
Nay 'tis no matter Sir, this is the first time that ever I spoke to any in these matters, and It shall be the last God willing.  Leo. 
And even now she had broke with a hundred and a hundred.  Tem. 
But do you love her Sir indeed?  Leo. 
Dost thou make a question of that?  Tem. 
Pardon me I pray Sir, I mean d'ee love her as a Gentleman ought to do, that is, to consummate matrimony with her as they say?  Leo. 
That's no matter to you Mistress Temperance, do you procure our meeting, and let my favour be at her hands as I can enforce it.  Tem. 
You say like an honest Gentleman; a woman can have no more: and faith Sir I wish you well, and every day ter dinner my Mistress uses to go to her chair or else lie down upon her bed, to take a nap or so, to avoid idleness as many good housewives do, you know, and then do I sit by her and sew, or so: and when I see her fast asleep, Lord do I think to myself, (as you know we waiting women have many light thoughts in our heads) Now if I were a man, and should bear my Mistress an ill will, what might I do to her now.  Leo. 
Indeed then you have very good opportunity.  Tem. 
The best that may be, for she sleeps like a sucking pig, you may jog her a hundred times, and she'll stir no more than one of your stones, here.  Leo. 
And could you put a friend in your place think you?  Tem. 
Nay by’r lady Sir, back with that leg, for if any thing come on't but well, all the burden will lie upon me.  Leo. 
Why what can come of it? only that by this means I may solicit her love myself.  Tem. 
ay but who knows if the Devil (God bless us) should be great we', how you would use her?  Leo. 
What dost thou take me for a beast, to force her that I would make my wife?  Tem. 
Beast Sir; Nay there's no beastliness in it neither, for a man will show like a man in those cases: and beside, you may mar the bed, which everybody will see that comes in; and that I would not for the best gown I shall wear this twelvemonth.  Leo. 
Well, to put thee out of that fear, it shall be worth such a gown to thee.  Tem. 
I thank you for that Sir, but that's all one, and thus Sir, my old Master Honorio, at two o'clock will be at Tilting, and then will his son signor Aurelio, and his man Angelo, be abroad; at which hour if you will be at the back gate, and muffle yourself handsomely, you may linger there till I call you.  Leo. 
I marry Sir, so I may be there long enough.  Tem. 
Nay, but two o'clock, now, now is my hour Sir.  Leo. 
Very well, and till then farewell.  Tem. 
Boy to you heartily.  Leo. 
Boy to him indeed if he knew all. Exeunt.  Enter Lodovico and Aurelio. Lod. 
I Have provided thee a ladder of ropes, therefore resolve to meet her, go wash thy face, and prepare thyself to die, I'll go make ready the ladder.  Aur. 
But when is the happy hour of our meeting?  Lod. 
Marry Sir, that's something uncertain, for it depends wholly upon her father's absence, and when that will be God knows: but I doubt not it will happen once within this twelvemonth.  Aur. 
'sounds a twelvemonth.  Lod. 
Nay hark you, you are all upon the spur now, but how many lovers have served seven twelvemonths prenticeships, for the freedom of their Mistress favours? notwithstanding to shorten your torments, your man Angelo must be the mean, to draw the lap wing her father from his nest, by this device that I tell you. Enter Angelo.  Ang. 
I did ever dream that once in my life good fortune would warm her cold hand in my naked bosom. And that once is now come, I'll lay hold upon't, i'faith; I have you my little squire, I have you upon mine anvil, upon which I will mallet you and work you; coining crowns, chickens, bracelets, and what not out of you; for procuring you the dear gullage of my sweet heart mistress Francischina.  Aure. 
I am glad it rests in my kind servant Angelo. Angelo, well met, it lies in thee now, make me no more thy master, but thy friend, and for ever happy in thy friendship.  Ang. 
In what part of me does that lie Sir, that I may pull it out, for you presently?  Aure. 
My friend Lodovico here hath told me, what thou revealedst to him today, touching his uncle Lorenzo, and his lovesuit to Francischina.  Ang. 
'slight I told it him in secret sir.  Lod. 
And so did I tell it him Angelo, I am a jew else.  Ang. 
It may well be sir, but what of that?  Lod. 
This Angelo, he would have thee procure my old uncles absence from home this afternoon, by making him meet or pretending his meeting with his mistress, and thy sweet heart Francischina.  Aure. 
Which if thou dost Angelo, be sure of reward to thy wishes.  Ang. 
What talk you of reward sir? to the loving and dutiful servant, 'tis a greater encouragement to his service to hear his master say, God a mercy Angelo, spy out Angelo, I'll think of thy pains one day Angelo, than all your base rewards and preferments: yet not to hinder your hand sir, I will extend mine to his service presently, and get your old uncle (signor Lorenzo) out of the ways long enough I warrant you.  Lod. 
'tis honestly said, which when thou hast performed, enforce us Exeunt.  Ang. 
I will not fail sir, I was resolved to make him away afore they spoke to me, in procuring his access to Francischina, for what is his presence at her house, but his absence at his owns? and thus shall I with one trowel daub two walls, (Enter Francisc. )see how fitly she meets me. I will stand close here as if it were in my shop of good fortune, & in respect of all ornaments I can help her to, I will out of the fullness of my joy, put her out of her study and encounter her thus; 
Hold up the bracelets.  D''ee lack gentlewoman, d''ee lack: very fair new gowns, kirtles, petticoats, wrought smocks, bracelets, d''ee lack gentlewoman, d''ee lack?  Fran. 
What means my love by these strange salutations?  Ang. 
Pre thee ask me no questions; hold take these bracelets, put up this purse of gold quickly, and if thou wilt have any of these things, I have cried to thee, speak and 'tis performed.  Fran. 
From whose treasury comes all this, I pray thee?  Ang. 
Lorenzo, Lorenzo, a gentleman of much antiquity, and one that for his love hath burned hundreds of hearts to powder; yet now it falls out, that his tree of life is scorched and blasted with the flames of thy beauty, ready to wither eternally, unless it be speedily comforted with the sweet drops of thy nose.  Fran. 
God's my life, is that old squire so amorous?  Ang. 
You wrong him to term him old, he can draw his bow, ride his horse, use his sword, and trail his pike under loves colours, as well as ever he did.  Fran. 
I believe that easily.  Ang. 
Well, go thy ways in and prepare to entertain him now thy husband is from home, only with good words, and best kindnesses, making him put all into deeds till his treasury be deedless.  Fran. 
You speak as if I had nothing to respect but his entertainment, when you know how close and timely it must be put in execution, considering with what envious eyes my neighbours survey me.  Ang. 
Thinkest thou, I consider not all this? he shall come in disguised, wench, and do thou devise for our mirth, what ridiculous disguise he shall come in, and he shall assume it.  Fran. 
What a magnifico of the City, and one of the Senate, thinkest thou he will not see into that inconvenience?  Ang. 
No more than no Senator, for in this case, my assurance is that Cupid will take the scarf from his own eyes, and hoodwink the old buzzard, while two other true turtles enjoy their happiness: get thee in I beseech thee love, tell thy gold, and say thy prayers. (Enter Lorenzo. )Now for a far fetch't device to fetch over my love-squire. Exit  Fran. 
I see him within ear-shot; well may beauty inflame others, riches may tempt others; but for me, mine ears and mine eyes, are proof against all the sirens, and Venusses, in all the seas of the world; beauty is a whore, riches a bawd, and I'll trust none an you.  Lor. 
What ails poor Angelo?  Ang. 
Nay mistress Frank, if you prove disloyal once, farewell all constancy in women.  Lor. 
How now man? what's the matter?  Ang. 
O Sir are you so near? I shall trust your experience in women the better while I live.  Lor. 
I pray thee why so?  Ang. 
Say true Sir, did you never solicit your love-suit to fair mistress Francischina?  Lor. 
Never I protest Angelo.  Ang. 
Upon my life 'tis a strange thing; I would have sworn all Italy, could not so suddenly have fastened a favour upon her, I looked for a siege of Troy at least, to surprise the turrets of her continence; but to yield at the first sight of her assailants colours, and before any Cannon was mounted afore her, 'tis one of the loosest parts of a modest woman that ever I heard of.  Lor. 
How sayst thou? did not I tell thee as much? beware of an old colt while you live, he can tell when to strike I warrant you.  Ang. 
Women and feathers? now fie on that affinity.  Lor. 
Alas Angelo, a feeble generation, soon overcome God knows, the honester mind, the sooner overcome.  Ang. 
God's my life, what light housewife would yield at first to a stranger, and yet does this whirligig stand upon terms of honour forsooth? tenders her reputation as the Apple of her eye; she has a jealous and a cutting husband, envious neighbours, and will die many deaths rather then by any friends open access to her, be whipped naked with the tongues of scandal and slander; and a whole sanctuary of such ceremonies.  Lor. 
O she does worthily in that Angelo, and like a woman of honour, thou hast painted her perfection in her faults thou find'st, and tickl'st me with her appetite.  Ang. 
And to avoid all sight of your entrance, you must needs come in some disguise she says; so much she tenders your high credit in the City, and her own reputation, forsooth.  Lor. 
How, come in some disguise?  Ang 
A toy, a very toy which runs in her head with such curious feet Sir, because if there be any resemblances of your person seen to enter her house, your whole substantial self will be called in question; any other man she says, might better adventure with the least thing changed about 'em than you with all; as if you were the only noted muttonmonger in all the City.  Ang. 
Well Angelo, heaven forgive us the sins of our youth.  Ang. 
That's true Sir, but for a paltry disguise, being a magnifico, she shall go snick up.  Lor. 
Soft good Angelo, soft, let's think on't a little: what disguise would serve the turn says she?  Ang. 
Faith, I know not what disguise she would have for you: she would have you come like a Calf with a white face, I think, she talks of Tinkers, peddlers, porters, chimney-sweepers, fools and Physicians, such as have free egress and regress into men's houses without suspicion.  Lor. 
Out upon 'em, would she have me undergo the shame and hazard of one of those abjects?  Ang. 
I'faith I told her so, a squire of that worship, one of the Senate, a grave justicer, a man of wealth, a magnifico?  Lor. 
And yet by my troth, for the safeguard of her honour, I would do much; methinks a friars weed were nothing.  Ang. 
Out upon't, that disguise is worn thread bare upon every stage, and so much villainy committed under that habit; that 'tis grown as suspicious as the vilest. If you will hearken to any, take such a transformance, as you may be sure will keep you from discovery: for though it be the stale refuge of miserable Poets, by change of a hat or a cloak, to alter the whole state of a Comedy, so as the father must not know his own child forsooth, nor the wife her husband, yet you must not think they do it earnest to carry it away so: for say you were stuffed into a motley coat, crowded in the case of a base Viol, or buttoned up in a cloak-bag, even to your chin, yet if I see your face, I am able to say this is signor Lorenzo, and therefore unless your disguise be such that your face may bear as great a part in it as the rest, the rest is nothing.  Lor. 
Good reason, in faith Angelo; and what, shall I then smurch my face like a chimney sweeper, & wear the rest of his smokiness?  Ang. 
I'll tell you sir, if you be so mad to condescend to the humour of a foolish woman, by consideration that jove for his love took on him the shape of a Bull, which is far worse than a chimney sweeper, I can fit you rarely.  Lor. 
As how I pray thee?  Ang. 
There is one little snail you know, an old chimney sweeper.  Lor. 
What, he that sings, Maids in your smocks, hold open your locks, floods.  Ang. 
The very same sir, whose person (I borrowing his words) you will so lively resemble, that himself in person cannot detect you.  Lor. 
But is that a fit resemblance to please a lover Angelo?  Ang. 
For that sir, she is provided: for you shall no sooner enter but off goes your rusty scabbard, sweet water is ready to scour your filthy face, milk, & a bath of fernebraks for your fusty body, a chamber perfumed, a wrought shirt, night cap, and her husband's gown, a banquet of Oysters pies, Potatoes, Skirret roots, Eringes, and divers other whetstones of venery.  Lor. 
O let me hug thee Angelo.  Ang. 
A bed as soft as her hair, sheets as delicate as her skin, and as sweet as her breath, pillows imitating her breasts, and her breasts to boot, hippocras in her cups, and Nectar in her lips, Ah, the gods have been beasts for less felicity.  Lor. 
No more good Angelo, no more, how shall I requite the happiness thou wilt bring me too? haste any mind of marriage?  Ang. 
Not much sir, but an extraordinary wife might tempt me.  Lor. 
By my troth and she were not promised, thou shouldest have my daughter: but come let's to our disguise, in which I long to be singing.  Ang. 
I'll follow you presently. Exit. signor Lodovico.  (Enter Lodovico and Giovenelle.) Lod. 
How now Angelo?  Ang. 
Why sir, I am providing means to lead your old uncle out o'th' way, as you willed me, by drawing him into the way of Quintiliano's wife, my sweet heart, and so make room for him by Quintiliano's room: you that lead him any way, must needs seek him out and employ him to some tavern.  Lod. 
He will be with me presently Angelo, and here's a freshman come from Padua, whom I will powder with his acquaintance, and so make him an excellent morsel to relish his carouses.  Ang. 
Go to Sir, by this light you'll be complained on, there cannot be a fool within twenty mile of your head, but you engross him for your own mirth: Noblemen's tables cannot be served for you.  Lod. 
Stut, I'll complain of them man, they hunt me out and hang upon me, so that I cannot be rid on'em, but they shall get somebody else to laugh at, or I'll turn'em over to our Poets, and make all the world laugh at'em.  Ang. 
Well Sir, here comes your man, make him sure from his wife, and I'll make the other sure with her. Exit.  Enter Quintiliano, Innocentio, Fannio, Taylor, tailors son, he Reads a bill. Lod. 
SEe signor Gionanelle, here comes the famous Captain you would so fain be acquainted withal; be acquainted with him at your peril: I'll defend you from his swaggering humour, but take heed of his cheating.  Gio. 
I warrant you Sir, I have not been matriculated at the University, to be meretriculated by him: salted there to be colted here.  Lod. 
Very well Sir, let's hear him.  Quin. 
I have examined the particulars of your bill Master Taylor, and I find them true Orthography, thy payment shall be correspondent: marry I will set no day, because I am loath to break.  Tailor. 
Alas Sir, pray let this be the day: consider my charge. I have many children, and this my poor child here whom I have brought up at school, must lose all I have bestowed on him hitherto, if I pay not his Master presently the quarterage I owe him.  Quint. 
Fool dost thou delight to hear thy son beg in Latin, pose him Lieutenant.  Innoc. 
How make you this in Latin boy? My father is an honest tailor.  Boy. 
That will hardly be done in true Latin Sir.  Innoc. 
No? why so Sir?  Boy. 
Because it is false English sir.  Quint. 
An excellent Boy.  Innoc. 
Why is it false English?  Boy. 
Marry sir, as bona Mulier is said to be false Latin, because though bona be good, Mulier is nought; so to say my father is an honest tailor, is false English; for though my father be honest, yet the tailor is a thief.  Quint. 
Believe it a rare shred, not of homespun cloth upon my life: tailor, go, send the schoolmaster to me at night and I'll pay him.  Tay. 
Thank you good Captain, and if you do not pay him, at night my wife will come to you herself, that's certain, and you know what a tongue she has.  Quint. 
Like the sting of a Scorpion, she nails mine ears to the pillory with it, in the shame and torment she does me. Go I will void this Bill and avoid her.  Tay. 
I thank you sir. Exit cum filio.  Quint. 
Lieutenant, is not this a brave gullery? The slave has a pretty wife, and she will never have me pay him, because she may ever come to my chamber, as she says, to rail at me, and then she goes home and tells her husband she has tickled me i'faith.  Innoc. 
By my life, a rare jest.  Quint. 
Thou mayst see this Boy is no shred of a tailor, is he not right of my look and spirit?  Innoc. 
Right as a line, i'faith.  Lod. 
And will agree in the halter.— Save you Captain Quintiliano.  Quint. 
And dost thou live my noble Lodovico? Boy, take my cloak, when shall's have a rouse, ha? my Lieutenant and I were drunk last night, with drinking health on our knees to thee.  Giou. 
Why, would not your legs bear you Sir?  Quint. 
How many miles to midsummer? 'Sblood, whose fool are you? are not you the tassel of a Gander?  Giou. 
No indeed not I Sir: I am your poor friend Sir glad to see you in health.  Quint. 
Health? 'Sfoot, how mean you that? d'ee think I came lately out o'th' powdering Tub?  Giou. 
Gossave me Sir 'twas the furthest part of my thought.  Quint. 
Why you're not angry, are you?  Lod. 
No, nor you shall not be.  Quint. 
'Sblood, I hope I may and I will.  Lod. 
Be and you dare Sir.  Quint. 
Dare?  Lod. 
ay, dare.  Quint. 
Plague on thee, thouart the mad'st Lodovico in the world, 'sfoot do thou stab me, and thoust a mind to't, or bid me stab myself, is this thy friend? dost thou love Lodovico?  Giou. 
With my heart I protest Sir.  Quint. 
S'heart, 'a lies in's throat that does not; and whence com'st thou wag, ha?  Giou. 
even new arrived from Padua Sir to see fashions.  Quint. 
Give me thy hand, thouart welcome; and for thy fashions, thou shalt first drink and wench it: to which end we will carouse a little, some six or seven miles hence, and every man carry his wench.  Innoc. 
But where shall we have them Captain?  Quint. 
have'em Lieutenant? if we have'em not, my Valentine shall be one, and she shall take a neighbour or two with her to see their nursed child's or so; we'll want for no wenches I warrant thee, (Enter Cuthbert Barber.)  Lod. 
But who comes here?  Quint. 
O 'tis my Barber.  Lod. 
'Sblood how thy trades men haunt thee.  Quint. 
Alas they that live by men, must haunt'em,  Cut. 
God save you Sir.  Quint. 
How now Cutberd, what news out of Barbary?  Cut. 
Sir, I would borrow a word with you in private.  Quint. 
Be brief then Cutbeard, thou look'st lean methinks, I think thouart newly married.  Cut. 
I am indeed Sir.  Quint. 
I thought so, keep on thy hat man, 'twill be the less perceived, what, is not my tailor and you friends yet? I will have you friends that's certain, I'll maintain you both else.  Cut. 
I know no enmity betwixt us Sir, you know Captain I come about another matter.  Quint. 
Why but Cutbeard, are not you neighbours? your Trade's cozen german, the tailor and the Barber? does not the tailor sow? dost not thou Barber reap? and do they not both band themselves against the common enemy of mankind, the louse? are you not both honest men alike? is not he an arrant knave? you next door to a knave, because next door to him?  Cut. 
Alas Sir, all this is to no purpose, there are certain odd crowns betwixt us you know.  Quint. 
True Cutbeard, wilt thou lend me as many more to make'em even Boy?  Cut. 
Faith Sir, they have hung long enough a conscience.  Quint. 
Cut'em down then Cutbeard, it belongs to thy profession if they hang too long.  Cut. 
Well Sir if this be all, I'll come by'em as I can, and you had any honesty.  Giou. 
'Sblood honesty you knave? do you tax any Gentleman in this company for his honesty?  Cut. 
Blame me not sir, I am undone by him, and yet I am still of as good credit in my Parish as he too.  Quint. 
'Sblood Rascal, as good credit as I?  Lod. 
Nay pray thee Captain forbear.  Innoc. 
Good Captain be gone.  Quint. 
Let me alone; I'll not strike him by this hand, why hark ye Rogue: put your credit in balance with mine? dost thou keep this company? here's signor Lodovico, one of the Clarissimi, a man of worship: here's a Gentleman of Padua, a man of rare parts, an excellent scholar, a fine Ciceronian.  Cut. 
Well sir.  Quint. 
And here's my Lieutenant, I hope thou know'st the Worshipful man his father with the blue beard, and all these are my companions; and dare you a barbarous slave, a squirting companion, compare with me? but here's the point; now behold and see: signor Giovenelle, lend me four or five pounds, let it be five pounds, if you have so much about you.  Giou. 
Here's my purse sir, I think there be just so much in't.  Quint. 
Very good, now Cutbeard, are you a slanderous cutthroat or no? will thy credit do this now? without scrip or scroll. But thou wilt think this is done for a colour now; do you not lend it me simply?  Giou. 
What a question's that?  Quint. 
For how long?  Giou. 
At your pleasure Captain.  Quint. 
Why so, here you poling Rascal, here's two crowns out of this money: now I hope wilt believe 'tis mine, now the property is altered.  Cut. 
Why you might ha' done this before then.  Quint. 
No Cutbeard, I have been burnt i'th' hand for that, I'll pay ne'er a knave an ye all money, but in the presence of such honest Gentleman that can witness it; of my conscience I have paid it thee half a dozen times; go to sir be gone.  Cut. 
Fare ye well sir.  Quint. 
Thank you signor Giovenelle; though you're sure of this money again at my hands, yet take heed how this same Lodovico get it from you, he's a great sharker; but thoust no more money about thee hast thou?  Giou. 
Not a doit, by this candle.  Quint. 
All the better, for he'd cheat thee on't, if thou hadst ever so much, therefore when thou com'st to Padua, ply thy book and take good courses, and 'tis not this again shall serve thy turn at my hands, I swear to thee.  Giou. 
Thank you good Captain.  Quint. 
signor Lodovico, adieu.  Lod. 
Not so sir, we will not part yet, a carouse or two methinks is very necessary betwixt us.  Quint. 
With all my heart Boy, into the emperors head here.  Lod. 
Content.  Exeunt,  
Actus secundi Finis.   

Actus Tertius.  Lodovico, Angelo. Ang. 
Say Sir, have you played the man and housed the Captain?  Lod. 
I have housed and lodged him in the emperors head Tavern, and there I have left him glorified with his two gulls, so that presume of what thou wilt at his house, for he is out of the way by this time both ways.  Ang. 
'tis very well handled sir, and presume you & your friend my master Aurelio of what may satisfy you at your uncles, for he is now going out of the way, and out of himself also: I have so besmeared him with a chimney sweeper's resemblance, as never was poor Snail, whose counterfeit he triumphs in, never thinking I have daubed his face sufficient, but is at his glass as curiously busied to beautify his face (for as of Moo'rs so of chimney sweepers) the blackest is most beautiful as any Lady to paint her lips.  Lod. 
Thou art a notable villain.  Ang. 
I am the fitter for your employment Sir: stand close I beseech you, & when I bring him into the streets, encounter and bait him in stead of Snail, but in any case let none else know it.  Lod. 
Not for the world.  Ang. 
If you should tell it to one, so you charge him to say nothing, 'twere nothing, and so if one by one to it play holy water frog with twenty, you know any secret is kept sufficiently; and in this, we shall have the better sport at a Bear baiting, fare ye well Sir.  Enter Honorio and Gasparo. Hon. 
signor Lodovico good even to you.  Lod. 
The like to signor Honorio, and hark you Sir, I must be bound with my uncle Lorenzo, and tell you a pleasant secret of him, so in no sort you will utter it.  Hon. 
In no sort as I am a Gentleman.  Lod. 
Why Sir he is to walk the streets presently in the likeness of Snail the chimney sweeper, and with his cry.  Hon. 
What is he Sir? to what end I beseech you Sir will he disfigure himself so?  Lod. 
I'faith Sir I take it for some matter of policy, that concerns town government.  Hon. 
Town-bull government, do you not mean so Sir?  Lon. 
O no Sir, but for the general business of the City I take it.  Hon. 
Well sir well we will not examine it too far, but guess at it.  Lod. 
So sir when he comes forth do you take one corner to encounter him as I will do another, and taking him for Snail, imagine he went about stealing of City venison, (though he do not,) and make what sport you think good with him, always provided it be cleanly, and that he may still think he goes invisible.  Hon. 
I warrant ye signor Lodovico, and thank you heartily for this good cause of our honest recreation.  Lod. 
Scarce honest neither sir, but much good do it you, as it is,  Hon. 
O that my son, your friend Aurelio, were here to help to candy this jest a little.  Lod. 
Alas sir, his sick stomach can abide no sweet meats, he's all for aye me, we'll make the jest relish well enough I warrant you: Lorenzo my uncle an old Senator, one that has read Marcus Aurelius, Gesta Romanorum, the Mirror of Magistrates, etc. to be led by the nose like a blind Bear that has read nothing. Let my man read how he deserves to be baited.  Hon. 
'Tis a pretty wonder i'faith signor Lodovico.  Lod. 
'slife, 'twere a good deed, to get boys to pin cards at his back, hang squibs at his tail, ring him through the town with basins, besnowball him with rotten eggs, and make him ashamed of the Commission before he scale it.  Gasp. 
What says signor Lodovico, I beseech you sir? methinks his pleasant disposition should intend some waggery.  Hon. 
I will tell you signor Gasparo, but in any case you must say nothing.  Gasp. 
In no case will I say any thing sir.  Hon. 
Then this is the case: signor Lorenzo (your probable father in law) in the case of Snail the chimney sweeper, will straight tread the streets for his pleasure.  Gasp 
For his pleasure?  Hon. 
For his pleasure sir, say it be so, wonder not, but jest at it, consider what pleasure the world says he is most given to, and help bait him hereafter, but in any case cleanly, and say nothing.  Gasp. 
O monstrous, I conceive you, my father in law, will his daughter have his tricks think you?  Hon. 
Faith for that you must even take fortune de la pace, kiss the Pax, and be patient like your other neighbours. So, here stand I, chose you another place.  Gasp. 
O me, what if a man should call him to sweep a chimney in earnest, what would he do? I'll put him to't a my credit, and here will I stand. (Enter Lorenzo with his glass in his hand, and Angelo with a pot of painting.)  Ang. 
How now sir, are you well yet think you?  Lor. 
A little more here good Angelo.  Ang. 
Very well sir, you shall have enough.  Lor. 
It will be the most perfect disguise that ever was imitated.  Ang. 
I'll warrant you that i'faith sir; you're fitted beyond the forehead for a right counterfeit; It is well now sir?  Lor. 
Yet a little more here Angelo, and then master Painter let Michael Angelo himself amend thee.  Ang. 
For a perfect natural face, I care not if all the world explain it.  Lor. 
So now take this glass, and give me my furniture, and have at your smoky chimney.  Ang. 
Have at your smoky chimney Mistress Frank: here sir take up your occupation, and down with Snail for a chimney sweeper.  Lor. 
Away, see if the coast be clear.  Ang. 
I will sir.  Lor. 
Take good view, look about to the doors and windows.  Ang. 
Not a dog at a door, not a cat at a window. Appear in your likeness, and not with your quality.  Lor. 
Chimney sweep; work for chimney sweep, wilt do sirrah?  Ang. 
Admirably.  Lor. 
Does my suit become me?  Ang. 
Become you sir? would to heaven mistress Frank could bring you to the wearing of it always.  Lor. 
I'll forth i'faith then; Maids in your smocks, set open your locks, 
Down, down, down:  
Let Chimney sweeper in:  
And he will sweep your attorneys clean,  
heigh derry, derry, down.  
How dost like my cry, ha?   Ang. 
Out of all cry, I forbid Snail himself to creep beyond you.  Lor. 
As God help, I begin to be proud on't: Chimney sweep.  Ang. 
God's pity, who comes yonder?  Lor. 
My nephew Lodowick; Gods me, I'll start back again.  Ang. 
Nay there's no starting now, he'll see you go into your house then; fall into your note; stand to Snails person and I warrant you. (Enter Lodovico.) Exit Ang.  Lor. 
Chimney sweep.  Lod. 
How now Snail, how dost thou?  Lor. 
Thank your good worship.  Lod. 
methinks thy song is more hearty than 'twas wont to be, and thou look'st much better.  Lor. 
Thank God and good friends sir; and a merry heart that prolongs life. Chimney sweep.  Lod. 
Nay good Snail, let's talk a little, you know Rose mine uncle Lorenzo's maid Snail!  Lor. 
That I do well sir.  Lod. 
She complains of you Snail, and says, you're the bawdiest old knave in venery.  Lor. 
Alas sir, she wrongs me: I am not fed thereafter, let her look for that commendation in her richer customers.  Lod. 
Who are they Snail? I hope you do not mean mine uncle her Master; he's mine uncle and I love him well, and I know the old lickspiggot will be nibbling a little when he can come to't: but I must needs say he will do no hurt, he's as gentle as an Adder that has his teeth taken out.  Lor. 
You're a merry Gentleman sir; and I have hasty labour in hand, I must crave pardon. (Enter Honorio. )Chimney sweep.  Hono. 
What old Snail? how dost thou and thy chimneys?  Lod. 
Marry sir I was asking him questions about one of them.  Hono. 
What signor Lodovico? what one is that I pray?  Lod. 
Mine uncle Lorenzo's maid Rose sir, and he will needs persuade me, her old master keeps her for his own saddle.  Hono. 
Her old master? I dare swear they wrong him that say so; his very age would make him ashamed to be overtaken with those goatish licences.  Lod. 
True sir, and his great authority in the City, that should whip such unseasonable lechers about the walls of it.  Hono. 
Why, you're i'th' right sir, and now you talk of your uncle, I heard say Captain Quintiliano cheated him yesterday of five pounds, as he did a young Gentleman of Padua this morning of as much more.  Lod. 
Faith sir he drew such a kind of tooth from him indeed.  Hono. 
Is it possible he should be so wrought upon by him? Now certain I have ever held him a most wise Gentleman.  Lod. 
An arrant Rook by this light; a capable cheating stock; a man may carry him up and down by the ears like a pipkin.  Hono. 
But do you think he will let the Captain pass so?  Lod. 
Why alas, what should he do to him sir? the pasture is so bare with him, that a goose cannot graze upon't.  Hono. 
Marry sir then would I watch him a time when he were abroad, and take out my penniworths of his wife, if he drew a tooth from me, I would draw another from her.  Lod. 
Well, God be with your worships: chimney sweeper, I thought I should never have been rid of them, (Enter Gasparo )Chimney sweep.  Gasp. 
What old Snail, dost thou cry chimney sweep still? why they say thou art turned mighty rich of late.  Lor. 
I would they said true sir?  Gasp. 
Yes by the mass, by the same token, that those riches make thy old name for venery increase upon thee.  Lor. 
Foolish tales sir, foolish tales.  Gasp. 
Yes by the mass, Snail, but they be told for such certain tales, that if thou hast a daughter to marry with ten thousand crowns, I would see her pit-hole, afore I would deal with her, for fear she should trot through her father's trumperies.  Lor. 
Alas sir your worship knows, I have neither daughter nor riches, Idle talk sir, Idle talk: chimney sweep.  Gasp. 
Nay stay Snail, and come into my house, thou shalt earn some money of me, I have a chimney to sweep for thee.  Lor. 
I thank your worship, I will wait upon you next morning early sir: but now I have promised to sweep another man's chimney in truth.  Gasp. 
But good Snail take mine in the way.  Lod. 
What does he cry chimney sweep, and refuse to sweep 'em?  Lor. 
No master, alas you know I live by it, and now I cry as I go to work that I have promised, that I may get more against other times: what would ye have me do thee?  Hono. 
Alas poor Snail; farewell good Snail, farewell.  Lor. 
Lord keep your good worship.— And a very vengeance, I beseech the black father of vengeance.  Lod. 
Poor uncle, he begins to be melancholy, has lost his song among's  Gasp. 
Was never such man touched with such oversight?  Hon: 
Bear with age, signor Gasparo, bear with age, and let us all tender his credit as we have vowed, and be silent; he little thought to have been thus betrayed as he is; and where secrecy is assured, it bears with many bad actions in the very best I can tell you, and so good signor Lodovico adieu, and I heartily thank you.  Lod. 
adieu good signor Honorio.  Gasp. 
adieu to you likewise sir. Exeunt Gasparo & Honorio.  Lod. 
Likewise to you sir. Alas poor uncle, I have monstrously abused him; and yet marvelous worthy, for he disparageth the whole blood of us; and I wish all such old sheepbiters might always dip their fingers in such sauce to their mutton; but thus will he presently be safe; for by this he is near his sweet heart's house, where he is like to be entertained with worse cheer than we made him. Quintilliano is now carousing in the emperors head, while his own head buds horns to carouse in; and in the mean time will my amorous friend and I, make both their absences shoeing horns to draw on the presence of Aemilia. Exit.  Enter Lorenzo and Angelo. (Francisco above.) Ang. 
WHat says your worship now? Do you not walk invisible, all your ancient acquaintance, your own nephew to talk with you and never discover you?  Lor. 
But Angelo, a villainous fear shook me the whiles I swear, for still I was afraid my tongue would have liked away the soot of my face, and bewrayed me; but Snail, hitherto thy rusty shell has protected me: persever till I have yonder house a my head, hold in thy horns, till they look out of Quintiliano's forehead: for an old man to make a young man cuckold, is one of Hercules' labours.  Ang. 
That was the cleansing of other men's stables.  Lor. 
To make youth rampant in age, and age passant in youth, to take a man down at his own weapon; to call back time in one, and thrust him headlong upon another.  Ang. 
Now your worship is Oracle to your own miracles; how you shine in this smoky cloud? which you make the golden net to embrace Venus, you'ave passed the pikes i'faith and all the jails of the love-god swarm in yonder house, to salute your recovery.  Lor. 
Well Angelo, I tell thee, now we are past the danger, I would not for 40 crowns but have heard, what I have heard.  Ang. 
True sir, now you know what the world thinks on you, 'tis not possible for a great man, that shines always in his greatness, to know himself; but O twice young Leander, see where your Hero stands with torch of her beauty to direct you to her tower, advance your sweet note, & upon her.  Lor. 
Chimney sweep, work for chimney sweep.  Fran. 
Come in chimney sweeper.  Lor. 
O Angelo.  Ang. 
Why now sir thine Angelo is your good Angel; enter and prosper, and when you are in the midst of your happiness, think of him that preferred you. Exit Lorenzo.  Fran. 
Angelo, give him not too much time with me, for fear of the worst, but go presently to the back gate, and use my husband's knock, then will I presently thrust him into my coalhouse: and there shall the old fleshmonger fast for his iniquity. Exit.  Ang. 
Well said mine own Frank i'faith, we shall trim him betwixt us, I for the most slovenly case in the town; she, for the most sluttish place in the house: Never was old horseman so notoriously ridden; well, I will presently knock him into the coalhouse, and then haste to Lodovico, to know when he shall be released. Exit.  Enter Lodovico with a ladder of ropes, Aurelio, (Aemilia above.) Lod. 
HEre's thy ladder, and there's thy gallows, thy Mistress is thy hangman, and must take thee down: This is the terrace where thy sweet heart tarries; what wouldst thou call it in Rhyme?  Aur. 
Celestial sphere, wherein more beauty shines.  Lod. 
Room for a passion.  Aur. 
Then on Dardanian Ida, where the pride  
Of heavens selected beauties strived for prize.  Lod. 
Nay you shall know, we have watered our houses in Helicon. I cannot abide this talking and undoing Poetry, leave your mellifluous numbers: yonder's a sight will steal all reason from your rhyme I can tell you; down of your knees you slave, adore. Now let's hear you invocate, O the saple hams of a lover, go to, do not, stand up close, for she must not see you yet, though she know you are here.  Aem. 
cousin Lodowick?  Lod. 
Who calls Lodowick?  Aem. 
What tempest hath cast you on this solitary shore? Is the party come?  Lod. 
The party? now a plague of your modesty, are your lips too nice to name Aurelio?  Aem. 
Well, is he come then?  Lod. 
He, which he? 'sfoot name your man with a mischief to you, I understand you not.  Aem. 
Was there ever such a wildbrain? Aurelio.  Lod. 
Aurelio? Lord how loath you are to let any sound of him come out an you, you hold him so dear within, I'll present her with a sight, will startle her nicety a little better; hold you, fasten the end of this ladder I pray.  Aem. 
Now jesus bless us, why cozen, are you mad?  Lod. 
Go to you spirit of a feather, be not so soft hearted, leave your nicety, or by this hemp I'll so hamper thy affections in the halter of thy lovers absence, making it up in a gordian knot of forgetfulness, that no Alexander of thy allurements, with all the sword of thy sweet words, shall ever cut in pieces.  Aem. 
Lord, how you roll in your roperipe terms.  Lod. 
Go to, tell me, will you fasten the ladder or no?  Aem. 
I know not what I should say t'ee: I will fasten it, so only yourself will come up.  Lod. 
Only myself will come up then.  Aem. 
Nay sweet coz, swear it.  Lod. 
If I should swear thou wouldst curse me: take my word in a halter's name, and make the ladder as fast to the terrace, as thou wouldst be to Aurelio.  Aem. 
Nay see if he do not make me give over again?  Lod. 
Was there ever such a blue kitling? fasten it now, or by heaven thou dost lose me for ever.  Aem. 
Well sir, remember your word; I will fasten it, but i'faith coz, is not the Gentleman, and his parting choler parted yet?  Lod. 
I'faith with much ado:  Aem. 
Nay, nay, choose him; I shall live, if they be not: and if I live till his choler kill me, I shall live till he leave loving me, and that will be a good while first.  Lod. 
Lord, Lord, who has informed you of such amorous fervency in him: are you so confident in his kindness?  Aem. 
Nay by my troth, 'tis but a careless confidency neither, which always last longer than that which is timorous: well coz, here I have fastened it for your pleasure; but alas, the fear of my father's coming does so distract me that I scarce know what I do or say.  Lod. 
Your father? dost think we would venture all this preparation, and not make him safe?  Aem. 
But are you sure he is safe?  Lod. 
Am I sure this is Aurelio? look upon him wench, is it not thy love? thy life? come sir, mount.  Aem. 
O cozen Lodwick, do you thus cozen and betray me?  Lod. 
coz, coz, thou hast acted thy dissembling part long enough, in the most modest judgement, and passing naturally: give over with thy credit then, unmask thy love, let her appear in her native simplicity, strive to conceal her no longer from thy love, for I must needs tell thee he knows all.  Aem. 
What does he know?  Lod. 
Why all that thou told'st me, that thou lov'st him more than he can love thee, that thou hast set up thy resolution, in despite of friends or foes, weals or woes, to let him possess thee wholly, and that thou didst woo me to bring him hither to thee: All this he knows; that it was thy device to prepare this ladder, and in a word, all the speech that passed betwixt thee and me he knows, I told him every word truly and faithfully God's my judge.  Aem. 
Now was there ever such an immodest creature?  Lod. 
Via, with all vain modesty, leave this colouring, and strip thy love stark naked, this time is too precious to spend vainly; mount I say.  Aur. 
Model of heavenly beauty.  Lod. 
'sounds, wilt thou melt into rhyme o' the other side? shall we have lines? change thy style for a ladder, this will bring thee to Parnassus, up I say.  Aur. 
Unworthy I t'approach the furthest step to that felicity that shines in her.  Lod. 
O spurblind affection, I have seen a fellow, to a worse end ascend a ladder with a better will, and yet this is in the way of marriage, and they say, marriage and hanging have both one constellation. To approve the which old saying, see if a new ladder make 'em not agree.  Aem. 
Peace, somebody comes.  Lod. 
That you heard, was but a mouse, so boy I warrant thee.  Aur. 
O sacred goddess, whatsoe'er thou art  
That in mere pity to preserve a soul  
From undeserved destruction, hast vouchsafed  
To take Aemilia's shape.  Lod. 
What a poetical sheep is this? S'life, will you stand rhyming there upon a stage, to be an eye-mark to all that pass? is there not a chamber by? withdraw I say for shame, have you no shame in you? here will come somebody presently I lay my life on't.  Aur. 
Dear mistress, to avoid that likely danger,  
Vouchsafe me only private conference,  
And 'tis the fullness of my present hopes. Exeunt.  Lod. 
Aurelio, Occasion is bald, take her by the forelock; so, so. In Hymen's name get you together, here will I stand Sentinel. This is the back gate to Honorio's house, which shall be Aurelio's, if God give him grace to weep for his father's death in time. And in this garden, if I could see the chaste Lucrece, or the affable mistress Temperance, I might (thus wrapped in my cloak) steal a little courtship through the chink of a pale. But indeed I think it safer to sit closer, and so to cloud the sum of my visnomy, that no eye discern it. (He sits down, and muffles himself in his cloak. )So be it, that's my resolution. Now to my contemplation, this is no Pandarism, is it? No, for there is neither money nor credit proposed or expected, and beside there is no unlawful act intended, no not this same lasciva actio animi: I think for his part, much less hers: go to, let me do my kinswoman, and her sex right, sit at rest with me then reputation, and conscience, fall asleep with the world, but this same idle attendance is the spite of it, Idleness is accounted with other men a sin, to me 'tis a penance, I was begot in a stirring season, for now hath my soul a thousand fancies in an instant, as what wench dreams on when she lies on her back, when one hen lays an egg and another sits it, whether that hen shall mother that chicken? If my bull leap your cow, is not the calf yours? yes no doubt, for Aedificium cedit solo says the Lawyer: and then to close all comes in a sentence, Non omnia possumus omnes: for some are borne to riches, others to verses, some to be bachelors, others to be cuckolds, some to get crowns, and others to spend ''em, some to get children, and others to keep'em: and all this is but idleness, would to God I had some scurvy poem about me to laugh at, (Enter Temperance. )but mark, yonder's a motion to be seen.  Temp. 
Yonder he sits i'faith, well done true love, good signor Leonoro, he keeps promise the best, he does not see me yet.  Lod. 
'Tis the staid Madam Temperance, a pretty pinnace she has been in her days, and in her nights too, for her burden, and reasonable good under sail, and see she hath discovered a sail, see, see, she hales him in, ha? 'tis this way to the rewards, slight 'tis this way: I hope the bawd knows not me, and yet I know not, she may be a witch, for a whore she was before I knew her, a bawd I have known her any time this dozen years, the next step to honour then is a witch, because of Nature, for where the whore ends, the bawd begins, and the corruption of a bawd, is the generation of a witch. And Pythagoras holds opinion, that a witch turns to a wild Cat, as an old Ostler turns to an ambling nag. Enter Leonoro muffled in his cloak with Lyonell.  Leo. 
This is the back gate, where Temperance should meet me at this hour.  lion. 
I wonder she fails, for I see her not.  Leo. 
Why sits that fellow there trow? come let's hover hereabouts 'twill not be long ere we encounter. Exit.  Lod. 
So, now this riddle is expounded, this bawd took me for this adventurer whom (twenty to one) she attended, to waft him into Lucretia's chamber, what a beast was I, not to apprehend this advantage, thus muffled as I am, she could not have perceived me till I had been in, And I might safely have stayed a while without endangering my lovers: (Enter Temperance stealing along the stage. )'Slight she takes me still for her first man.  Tem. 
Come, come, gingerly for God's sake, gingerly.  Exeunt. Enter Leonoro and Lyonell. Leo. 
See Lyonell, yet she is not come, and the privy attendant is gone.  Lyo. 
I wonder what it was.  Leo. 
I fear me some other client of hers, whom she prefers before me, come, we must not linger here too long together, we'll enter on this backside, to the emperors head, where we will stay a little, and then make the last trial of this bawd's honesty. (Enter Quintiliano, Giovenelli, and Fannio in their doublet and hose.)  Quint. 
Come Ancient, let's leave our company a little, and air ourselves in this backside.— Who goes there?  Leo. 
A friend.  Quint. 
The word.  Leo. 
God save you Captain Quintiliano.  Quint. 
shoot him Ancient, a spy, the word's the emperors head, and thither you shall go sir.  Leo. 
Pardon me good Captain.  Gio. 
Come, be not retrograde to our desires.  Leo. 
I attend a friend of mine.  Quint. 
thoust attended him already, I am witness to't, deny't and he dare, whatsoe'er he be, and he shall attend thee another while, and he will: thouart as good a man as he, and he be the Duke himself, for a Clarissimo; entertain him Ancient, bid the Clarissimo, welcome, I'll call a drawer, and we'll have some wine in this Arbour. Exit.  Gio. 
You're very welcome signor Clarissimo, desire you more acquaintance sir.  Leo. 
My name is Leonoro sir, & indeed I scarce know you.  Gio. 
No sir, and you know me, you must know as much as I know, for Scientia and Scientificus is all one; but that's all one, in truth sir, you shall not spend a penny here, I had money, I thank God even now, and peradventure shall have again ere we part, I have sent to a friend of mine.  (Enter Quintilliano and a drawer with a cup of wine & a towel.) Quint. 
Here honourable Clarissimo, I drink to thee.  Leo. 
Thank you good Captain.  Quint. 
'Sfoot, winesucker, what have you filled us here, balderdash? taste Leonoro.  Leo. 
methinks 'tis sack.  Geo. 
Let us taste sir, 'tis claret, but it has been fetch't again with Aqua vitae.  Quint. 
'Slight methinks t'as taken salt water, who drew this wine you rogue?  Draw. 
My fellow Sam drew it sir, the wine's a good neat wine, but you love a pleasanter grape, I'll fit your palate sir. (He stands close.)  Quint. 
Is this thy boy Leonoro?  Leo. 
For fault of a better sir.  Quint. 
Afore heaven 'tis a sweet faced child, methinks he should show well in woman's attire: and he took her by the lily white hand, and he laid her upon a bed. I'll help thee to three crowns a week for him, and she can act well. hast ever practised my pretty Ganymede?  Lyo. 
No, nor never mean sir.  Gio. 
Mean sir? No marry Captain, there will never be mean in his practice I warrant him.  Quint. 
O finely taken; Sirrah, Clarissimo, this fellow was an arrant ass this forenoon, afore he came to be an Ancient.  Leo. 
But where's your Lieutenant Captain?  Quint. 
'sounds man, he's turned swaggerer.  Leo. 
be't possible?  Quint. 
Swaggerer by this light he; and is in the next room writing a challenge to this tall Gentleman my Ancient here.  Leo. 
What, mutinous in your own company?  Quint. 
'Sfoot man, who can bridle the ass's valour?  Giou. 
'Sblood and any man think to bridle me.  Leo. 
But what was the quarrel?  Quint. 
Why sir, because I entertained this Gentleman for my Ancient, (being my dear friend and an excellent scholar) he takes pepper i'th' nose and sneezes it out upon my Ancient; now sir (he being of an uncoal-carrying spirit) falls foul on him, calls him gull openly; and ever since I am feign to drink with 'em in two rooms, dare not let'em come together for my life, but with pen and inkhorns, and so my Lieutenant is in the next chamber casting cold Ink upon the (Enter Innocentio. )flame of his courage, to keep him from the blot of cowardice, see where he comes with his challenge: good Clarissimo hold my Ancient.  Leo. 
Good Ancient, forbear in a Tavern.  Quint. 
Revenge noble Lieutenant, hast thou done it?  Innoc. 
'Slight I think I have peppered him, but 'twas his own seeking you know.  Quint. 
That's certain.  Giou. 
'sounds my seeking sir?  Quint. 
Hold him Leonoro; and if it be possible, persuade him to hear the challenge from the enemies own mouth.  Leo. 
I'll undertake he shall Captain: Good Ancient let me entreat you.  Giou. 
Well sir, because you're a stranger to me, you shall do more with me.  Leo. 
Thank you good ancient.  Quint. 
read fiery Lieutenant, read boy, legibly.  Innoc. 
Here it is sir: signor Giovenelli, it is not ignorant unto you, that even now you crossed me over the coxcomb.  Giou. 
I did so sir: I will not deny it I warrant you.  Leo. 
Good Ancient peace.  Innoc. 
And that openly, or else it would never have grieved me.  Quint. 
That openly was all indeed.  Innoc. 
And moreover, very unreverendly to call me gull, and ass to my face: And therefore, though I held it good discretion in me to wink at the blow, not seeing to take notice of it.  Leo. 
Good discretion in deed.  Innoc. 
Yet know that I will have satisfaction from you.  Giou. 
Well sir, and you shall.  Quint. 
Nay good Ancient hear him.  Innoc. 
And desire you to send me word, whether you will maintain it or no, hoping that you will not offer that discourtesy to do me wrong, and stand to it when you have done.  Leo. 
That were foul indeed.  Innoc. 
And as for the words, in that you called me gull, and Ass to my face, resolve me by letter (for I do not think fit we should meet) first whether you spoke any such words or no: and secondly by whom you mean'em. And it by me (as I think you durst not) confess you are sorry for'em: and if I have offended you, I heartily ask you forgiveness. And so farewell.  Quint. 
Afore heaven Ancient, this would have tickled you, but good Leonoro, and thou be'st a right Clarissimo, let's make'em friends, and drink to one another: 'Sfoot, we have no wine here methinks, where's this Aperner?  Drawer. 
Here Sir.  Quint. 
Have you mended your hand sir.  Draw. 
I Captain, and if this please not your taste, either you or I cannot taste a cup of wine.  Quint. 
Sounds you're very saucy sir, here Lieutenant, drink to thy Ancient, and void mutinies with your officer, martial law is dangerous.  Innoc. 
Is he content I should drink to him?  Leo. 
He is I warrant thee.  Innoc. 
Why then Ancient good luck t'ee.  Giou. 
Let come Lieutenant, I pledge you.  Quint. 
Why so, now my company is cured again, afore 'twas wounded. Come honourable Clarissimo, let's retire to our strength, taste a fresh carouse or two, and then march home with Music. Tapster, call us in some Music.  Draw. 
I will sir.  
Finis Actus Tertij.   

Actus Quartus.  Enter Quintiliano, Leonoro, Innocentio, Lionello, Fannio, with Music. Quint. 
Strike up Scrapers, honourable Clarissimo, and thy sweet Adonis, adieu, remember our device at the show soon.  Leo. 
I will not fail Captain, farewell t'ee both: come Lionel, now let us try the truth of Madam Temperance, and see if she attend us.  Innoc. 
I hope by this time she remembers her promise sir. Exeunt Leo. and Lio.  Quint. 
How now Lieutenant, where's my Ancient?  Innoc. 
Marry Captain you'ave left him casting the reckoning i'th' chimney.  Quint. 
Why then his purse and his stomach will be empty together, and so I cashier him; let the scholar report at Padua, that Venice has other manner of learning belongs to it: what does his Continuum & Contiguum here? let'em go to the Ink pot and beware of the wine pot. 
Fill red cheeked Bacchus, let the Bordeaux grape  
Skip like la voltos in their swelling veins.  
Te dan, dan tidle, te dan de dan tidle diddle, etc.   Innoc. 
O God Captain that I could dance so.  Quint. 
He took her by (strike up fiddlers) the lily white hand and he laid her upon the bed. Oh what a spirit have I now? I long to meet a Sergeant in this humour, I would but have one whiff at one of these same pewter buttoned shoulder-clappers, to try whether this chopping knife or their pestles were the better weapons. Here's a blade Boy, it was the old Duke's first predecessors; I'll tell thee what Lieutenant, this sword has dubbed more Knights than thy knife has opened Oysters.  Innoc. 
be't possible Captain, and methinks it stands a little.  Quint. 
No matter for that, your best metalled blades will stand soonest: so, now we have attained our Mansion house. At which I'll sing a verse shall break the doors. O noble 
Hercules, let no Stygian lake.  
Te dan dan tidle, te dan de dan tidle diddle, etc.  Farewell scrapers, your reward now shall be that I will not cut your strings nor break your fiddles, via, away.  Innoc. 
Come Captain, let's enter, I long to see my Mistress, I warrant she's a heavy Gentlewoman for your absence.  Quint. 
'Sfoot she's an Ass, honour woos me, preferment calls me, and I must lie pampered in a wench's lap, because she dotes on me. Honour says no, Lieutenant, Pugna pro patria, we must to't i'faith and seek our portion amongst the scratched faces.  Lorenzo 
within .Mistress, Mistress, is he gone?  Quint. 
who's that calls there?  Innoc. 
I heard nobody.  Quint. 
No? there was one called Mistress: I say who called Mistress, 'sblood I hope I am not drunk.  Fann. 
In truth sir I heard nobody.  Quint. 
I tell thee I smelled a voice here in my entry, 'sfoot I'll make it smell worse and cheer it again.  Innoc. 
O me, he'll draw upon his own shadow in this humour, if it take the wall of him. Follow him Fannio, look he do no harm for God sake.  Lor. 
Help, help, help.  Innoc. 
Name of God, what's there to do? (Enter Quintil. and Lorenzo.)  Lor. 
Good Captain do not hurt me.  Quint. 
Sounds is hell broke loose? why Snail, though you can sing songs and do things Snail, I must not allow ye to creep into my wives coalhouse, what Snail into my withdrawing chamber?  Lor. 
I beseech your Worship hear me speak.  Quint. 
O Snail, this is a hard case; no room serve your turn, but my wives coalhouse, and her other house of office annexed to it? a privy place for herself, and me sometimes, and will you use it being a stranger? 'slight how comes this about? up sirrah and call your Mistress.  Lor. 
A plague of all disguises. Exit Fannio.  Innoc. 
Alas poor Snail, what didst thou make here?  Lor. 
I protest sir for no harm, my Mistress called me in to sweep her chimney, and because I did it not to her mind, she made me do penance in her coalhouse.  Innoc. 
Search him Captain and see, if he have stolen nothing.  Lor. 
Kill me, hang me, if I have.  Quint. 
Yes Snail, and beside I hear complaints of you, you're an old luxurious hummerer about wench's Snail, does this become your gravity sir? Lieutenant, fetch me a coal-sack, I'll put him in it and hang him up for a sign.  Lor. 
I beseech your Worship be good to me.  Innoc. 
Good Captain pardon him, since he has done nothing but swept your chimney worse than my Mistress would have it swept, he will do it better another time.  Quint. 
Well Snail, at this Gentleman's request, (to whom I can deny nothing) I release you for this once, but let me take you no more thus I advise you.  Lor. 
Not while I live good Captain.  Quint. 
Hence, trudge you drudge, go away.  Lor. 
A plague of all disguises. Exit Lorenzo.  (Enter Fannio.) Fann. 
I have looked about all the house for my Mistress sir, but I cannot find her.  Quint. 
Go then, look all about the town for her too; come in Lieutenant, let's repose a little after our liquour.  Exeunt. Enter Aurelio and Aemilia, above. Aur. 
Dear life, be resolute, that no respect  
Heighted above the compass of your love,  
Depress the equal comforts it retains;  
For since it finds a firm consent in both,  
And both our births and years agree so well,  
If both our aged parents should refuse,  
For any common object of the world,  
To give their hands to ours, let us resolve  
To live together like our lives and souls.  Aem. 
I am resolved my love; and yet alas,  
So much affection to my father's will  
Consorts the true desires I bear to you,  
That I would have no spark of our love seen,  
Till his consent be asked, and so your fathers.  Aur. 
So runs the mutual current of my wish,  
And with such stayed and circumspect respects,  
We may so serve and govern our desires,  
That till fit observation of our fathers,  
Prefer the motion to them; we may love  
Without their knowledge and the skill of any,  
Save only of my true friend Lodowick.  Aem. 
I wonder where he is.  Aur. 
Not far I know,  
For in some place, he watcheth to prevent  
The feared danger of your father's presence.  Enter Lorenzo and Angelo running. Ang. 
SOunds stay for the love of your honour sir.  Lor. 
A plague of all disguises Angelo.  Ang. 
What reason have you to curse them? has not one of them kept you safe from the shame of the world, as much as a poor disguise might do; but when your ridiculous fears will cast it off, even while it is on, so running through the streets, that they rise all in an uproar after you; alas what is the poor disguise to blame sir?  Lor. 
Well then fortune is to blame, or some thing; come as thou didst help to daub me, help to cleanse me, I prithee.  Ang. 
Let alone a while sir for God's sake, I'll go see whether the Captain be gone from home or no.  Lor. 
Out upon that course Angelo; I am frighted out of it, come enter my house, enter.  Ang. 
What, will you enter your house sir afore you know who is in it: keep yourself close, and let me first enter and discover.  Lor. 
I know there is nobody.  Ang. 
You cannot know it sir, I heard even now that divers of the Senate were determined to come and sit in Counsel there.  Lor. 
A tale, a very tale Angelo, enter for the love of heaven, enter and unsmother me. Exit.  Ang. 
What shall I do? my poor Master is bewrayed, O that same faithless Lodowick, that could drown the swaggering Captain no better in his drunkenness; alas how should I salve this? Exit.  (Enter Lorenzo and after him Angelo.) Lor. 
How now? whom do I see? my daughter and a younker together? passion of death, hell and damnation, what lecherous Capricorn reigns this unhappy day? old and young in a predicament? O fie of filthy sin and concupiscence, I will conceal my rage a while that it may break forth in fury; I'll shift me presently Angelo, and go fetch the Provost.  Ang. 
O unspeakable madness, will you for ever dishonour your daughter, and in her yourself sir?  Lor. 
Talk not to me, out upon this abominable concupiscence, the pride of the flesh, this witchcraft of the Devil: talk not to me, justice cries out an't in the streets, and I will see it punished, come good Angelo to help to shift me.  Ang. 
I'll follow you Sir instantly; Master, Master.  Aur. 
Angelo? what news?  Ang. 
Miserable Master, cast down your ladder, and come down instantly.  Aem. 
Alas, why, Angelo is my father coming.  Ang. 
Let us not talk but come down I say.  Aur. 
Dear life, farewell, we'll shortly meet again,  
So parts the dying body from the soul;  
As I depart from my Aemilia.  Aem. 
So enter frighted souls to the low world,  
As my poor spirit upon this sudden doubt,  
What may succeed this danger.  Ang. 
Come away, you'll be whipped anon for your amourosity, hast for shame haste, etc.  Aem. 
Once more and ever, fare my dear life well.  Exit Aemil. Ang. 
Leave your amorous congees & get you in Dame; sir you and I will talk as 'twere betwixt the pales, now, get you and shift you of this suit presently.  Aur. 
Shift me Angelo? why man?  Ang. 
Ask me no questions, but go home and shift you presently, and when I have done a little business here within, I'll come and tell you my device: there hath more chanced than you are aware of, and then I can stand to tell you; away therefore presently go home and shift you.  Aur. 
Very good sir, I will be ruled by you, and after learn the mysteries. Exit Aurel.  Ang. 
Now will I let the little squire shift and cleanse himself without me, that he may be longer about fetching the Provost, and in the mean time will I take my Master's suit (of which the little squire took note) and put it on my sweet heart Francischina, who shall presently come and supply my Master's place, with his Mistress; for the little squire amazed with his late affrights and this sudden offenceful spectacle of his daughter, took no certain note who it was that accosted her; for if he had, he would have blamed me for my Master, only the colour of his garment sticks in his fancy, which when he shall still see where he left it, he will still imagine the same person wears it, and thus shall his daughter's honour and my Masters be preserved with the finest sugar of invention. And when the little squire discovers my sweet heart, she shall swear, she so disguised herself, to follow him, for her love to him; ha, ha ha, O the wit of man when it has the wind of a woman. Exit.  Enter Lodovico and Lucretia, with Rapiers fighting. Lod. 
HOld, hold, I pray thee hold; I yield my rapier,  
Let my submission, my presumption salve.  Lucr. 
Ignoble Lodwick, should I take thy life,  
It were amends too little for the wrong.  Lod. 
O the precious heavens:  
How was I guled? haud, hide thyself for shame.  
And henceforth have an eye before thy fingers.  Lucr. 
Well do not jest it out, for I protest  
If this disguise, which my inhuman fate  
Puts on my proper sex, be by thy means  
Seen through, by any other than thyself,  
The quarrel twixt us shall be more than mortal.  
And thy dishonour to a friendless stranger  
(Exiled his native country, to remain  
Thrall to the mercy of such unknown maids  
As fortune makes the rulers of my life)  
Shall spread itself beyond my misery,  Lod. 
Nay, mix not cause of mirth with passion,  
Do me the grace t'unfold thy name and state,  
And tell me what my whole estate may do,  
To salve this wrong unwittingly I did thee?  
And set the plaintiff thoughts of thy hard fate  
In such peace, as my friendship may procure:  
And if I fail thee, let jove fail my soul,  
When most this earth makes it need help of heaven.  Lucr. 
In the more than temper my late rage  
And show your virtues perfectly derived  
From the Venetian noblesse; for my name  
It is Lucretio, which to fit this habit  
I turned Lucretia: the rest that rests  
To be related of my true estate,  
I'll tell some other time: lest now your presence  
Might dumbly tell it (if it should be seen)  
To all the world, or else make it suspect  
My female life of lightness: then with thanks  
And vow of all true friendship, for th'amends  
Your kindness makes me, take your sword again,  
And with it while I live the power of mine  
In any honoured use shall command.  
Then till we meet, and may laugh at this error,  
I'll once more try the free peace of my chamber. Exit.  Lod. 
Do so sweet friend: a plague of Gingerly?  
Where is that stale and fulsome Gingerly,  
She brought me to a fury, I'll be sworn  
Rather than man or woman: a flat beating:  
I found her supposed mistress fast asleep,  
Put her to the touchstone, and she prove a man.  
He waked, and with a more than manly spirit  
Flew in my face, and gave me such a dash  
In steed of kissing, of these irish lips  
That still my teeth within them bled I swear He spits.  
gingerly, Gingerly, a plague o' you. He spits again.  
But now how does my lovers on the terrace?  Enter Aurelio with Angelo, shifting his Apparel. Aur. 
HOld, take my doublet too, my hat and all, and quickly hie thee to thy sweet.  Ang. 
'Zounds, see sir see, your proper Sentinel, that when you needed him, gave you a slip.  Anr. 
Friend Lodovico, by my life, well welcome to this my father's backside.  Lod. 
Well sir, well, I would I had kissed almost your father's backside so I had never known it.  Ang. 
A my life he faints extremely, he left you even now to purchase him the amorous interview of your fair coz Lucretia that lies here.  Aur. 
God's me, sweet friend, wouldst thou use such a slight to any one that lay within my walk? who was thy mean to her?  Ang. 
I lay my life, tame madam Temperance, the notorious Pandar.  Aur. 
S'fut friend, what a notorious oversight was that? and what a violent injury unto thy friend?  Lod. 
A plague upon you both, you scurvy hind, have you no gull but me to whet your wit upon?  Aur. 
My friend a privy lover? I'd have sworn  
Love might spend all his shafts at butterflies  
As well as at his bosom.  Ang. 
'Twas your fault then,  
For I have noted a most faithful league  
Betwixt him and his barber now of late,  
And all the world may see, he does not leave  
One hair on his smooth chin, as who should say,  
His hapless love was gone against the hair.  Lod. 
'sblood & these rogues knew how I was deceived,  
They'd stout me into motley, by this light.  Ang. 
Well sir, I ever thought you'd the best wit  
Of any man in Venice next mine own,  
But now I'll lay the bucklers at your feet,  Lod. 
A pox upon thee, tame your bald hewed tongue,  
Or by the Lord of heaven I'll pull it out.  Aur. 
O my sweet friend, come I'll know more of this,  
And tell thee all our fortune, hence good Angelo.  Ang. 
O, if this man had patience to his brain,  
A man might load him till he smart again. Exit Ang.  Lod. 
Patience worthy friend, he knows you love him for his knavish wit. Exeunt.  Enter Leonoro, Temperance and Lyonell. Leo. 
THou shalt not stay sweet Temperance, tell us the manner of our war and we'll leave thee presently.  Temp. 
Why that perl's man Lodowick, according to your appointment was jump at three with me, just, been full at your hour; Muffled as I willed you, e'en your fashion and your very leg for all the earth, and followed me in so gingerly, that by my troth I must needs say, he was worthy the pleasuring; but in what a taking was I when I perceived his voice? & when I saw my mistress & he together by the ears?  Leo. 
What did thy mistress fight with him?  Temp. 
O king a heaven, she ran upon his naked weapon the most finely that ever lived, and I ran away in a swoon for fear.  Leo. 
Has she a good courage?  Lio. 
It seems she is too honest for our companies, a little more good Temperance.  Temp. 
And when he saw me, he called me punk, and pander, and doxy, & the vilest nicknames as if I had been an errand naughty-pack.  Leo. 
'Tis no matter Temperance, he's known and thou art known.  Temp. 
I thank heaven for it, and there's all indeed, I can stay no longer. Exit.  Leo. 
Farewell honest Temperance: how was it possible, Lodovico should fit all these circumstances without the confederacy and treachery of this beldame? well Lodovico must satisfy this doubt when I see him.  Lio. 
That will be at the May night show at signor Honorio's.  Leo. 
I would not meet him there, I shall offend him, but there I must needs be, and have thee disguised like a woman.  Lio. 
Me sir?  Leo. 
No remedy, the Captain Quintilliano and I have devised it to gull his Lieutenant: for thou shalt dance with him, we will thrust him upon thee, and then for his courting and gifts, which we will tell him he must win thee withal, I hope thou wilt have wit enough to receive the tone, and pay him again with the tother, come Lionell let me see how naturally thou canst play the woman. Exit.  Lio. 
Better then you think for.  Enter Quintiliano and Innocentio. Quint. 
COme Lieutenant, this nap has set a nap of sobriety upon our brains, now let's sit here & consult, what course were best for us to take in this dangerous mansion of man's life.  Inno. 
I am for you i'faith Captain & you go to consult once.  Quint. 
I know it Lieutenant, say then what think'st thou? we talked of employment, of action, of honour, of a company & so forth.  Inno. 
Did we so Captain?  Quint. 
Did we so Ass? 'Sfoot, wert thou drunk afore thou went'st to the tavern, that thou hast now forgotten it?  Inno. 
Cry you mercy good Captain, I remember I am your Lieutenant.  Quint. 
Well sir, and so thou shalt be called still, and I Captain, though we never lead other company then a sort of quart pots.  Inno. 
Shall we Captain, byth' mass then let's never have other company in deed.  Quint. 
Why now thouart wise, and haste a mind transformed with main right, and to confirm thee, I will compare the noble service of a feast with the honourable service of the field, and then put on thy hand to which thou wilt.  Inno. 
Thank you good Captain, but do you think that war is nought sir?  Quint. 
Exceeding nought.  Inno. 
Why then sir take heed what you say, for 'tis dangerous speaking against any thing that is nought, I can tell you.  Quint. 
Thou sayst wisely Lieutenant, I will not then use the word nought, nor speak ill of either, but compare them both, and choose the better.  Inno. 
Take heed then good Captain, there be some prick-eared intelligencers conveyed into some wall or other about us.  Quint. 
If there were I care not, for to say true, the first model of a battle was taken from a banquet. And first touching the offices of both: for the general of the field, there is the master of the feast, for the Lieutenant General, the mistress, for the Sergeant Maior, the Steward, for the Gentleman usher, the Marshal, for master o'th' Ordinance the Sewer, and all other officers.  Inno. 
Yet you're reasonable well Captain.  Quint. 
Then for the preparation, as in a field is all kind of artillery, your Cannon, your demi-canon, culverins, falcons, Sacres, minions, & such goodly ornaments of a field, I speak no hurt of 'em thou seest, I'll have nothing to do do with 'am.  Inno. 
Hold you still there Captain.  Quint. 
Besides other munition of powder and shot, and so for the feast, you have your Court, cupboards planted with flagons, cans, cups, beakers, bowls, goblets, basins and ewers: And more glorious show I wiss then the tother, and yet I speak no hurt of the other.  Inno. 
No I'll be sworn Captain.  Quint. 
Besides your munition of manchet, nappery plaits, spoons, glasses and so forth; Then for your kitchen artillery, there shall you see all your brass pieces mounted in order, as your beef-pots, your cauldrons, your kettles, chafingdishes, ladies, spits, a more edifying spectacle than your Cannon & Culvering, and yet I speak no hurt of them neither.  Inno. 
No Captain, thus far, I go we.  Quint. 
Then sir, as in the field the drum, so to the feast the dresser gives the Alarm, Ran tan tara, tan tan tantara tan.  Inno. 
O how it stirs my stomach?  Quint. 
First then sets forward a wing of light horse, as salads, broths, sauces, flewed meats, and other kickshores, and they give a charge, then do the battle join Captain Capon in white-brith, Lieutenant calves head.  Inno. 
That's my place.  Quint. 
Ancient Surloigne, a man of a goodly presence, and full of expectation, as you ancient aught to be, then have you Sergeant Tear-cat, Corporal Conny, lancepresado Lark, Gentlemen, Panbakex, & all the species of a company.  Inno. 
Would we might fall to the fight once.  Quint. 
Why now grows the fight hot man, now shall you see many a tall piece of beef, many a tough capon go down, and here's the trial of a man's stomach, all the while the Artillery plays on both hands, the Canons lay about them, the flagons go off, thick and threefold, and many a tall man goes halting off, some quite overthrown both horse and foot.  Inno. 
O my heart bleeds.  Quint. 
That is, thy teeth water. In conclusion, as the remnant of the feast, (I mean such dishes as 'scaped the fury of the fight) if they be serviceable, are reserved to furnish out another day if they be maimed or spoiled, they are sent abroad to relieve prisons and hospitals. So the remainder of the fight, if they be serviceable, they are reserved to supply a second field, for the fragments of the fight, viz. the maimed soldiers, they are sent likewise to furnish prisons and hospitals, how sayest thou now Lieutenant, shall we to the feast, or to the fight?  Inn. 
No fighting good Captain, to the feast for God's sake.  Quint. 
thou'rt a my mind right, and so will we presently march on to the sack of the emperors head, then to the May-night feast, and show at signor Honorio's, and there will be a wench there boy, a delicate young morsel, a kinswoman of signor Honorio's, and her father's only child, he a mighty rich Clarissimo, and her shalt thou court, win her and wear her, thou hast wit at will.  Inno. 
But shall that wench be her father's son and heir Captain?  Quint. 
She shall be his heir, a mine honesty.  Innoc. 
But shall not my Mistress your wife be at that show?  Quint. 
She shall, and we could find her; Fannio has been abroad this hour to seek her: the Ass is stepped into some corner or other mourning for my absence. (Enter Angelo and Francischina in disguise. )See who comes here?  Ang. 
Come coz, march fair, methinks thou becomest a Page excellent naturally, cheer up thy heart wench. Kiss her.  Franc. 
Fie for shame kiss in the streets?  Ang. 
Why not? truth seeks no corners, and 'twas a true loves kiss, and so is this.  Quint. 
Ware riot, dost thou mark Lieutenant?  Franc. 
God's pity, my husband. Exeunt Franc. Ang.  Innoc. 
What were these Captain?  Quint. 
Upon my life the hindermost of them, is a wench in man's attire, didst thou not mark besides his slabbering about her, her big thighs and her splay feet.  Innoc. 
By the meskin methought they were so indeed.  Quint. 
S'life, the hungry knave her squire, could not hold in the open streets.  Innoc. 
What should she be?  Quint. 
The Doxy was muffled in her cloak, I had but a glimpse of her; but 'slight I will know her, she passes not so, come we'll follow. I'll beat the Rogue and take away's whore from him. Exeunt.  Enter Angelo and Francischina. Ang. 
COme courage coz, we have sailed the man of War out of sight, and here we must put into harbour. Hist, hawe Amila?  Amil. 
O welcome good Angelo.  Ang. 
Here take in, go, get up lightly, away, take heed you slip not coz, remember you're short heeled.  Franc. 
Hold fast for God's sake.  Ang. 
Nay hold you fast, you'll shame us all else; so jove receive thy soul: I take away the ladder: Now till you have deceived the Provost, farewell, remember your lesson coz. Exit.  Franc. 
I warrant you. (Enter Quintil. and Innocentio)  Quint. 
How unhappily did we miss 'em? they slipped into some vaulting house, I hold my life.  Innoc. 
Faith it's good we missed'em, she was some stale punk I warrant her.  Quint. 
Twenty to one she is some honest man's wife of the Parish that steals abroad for a trimming, while he sits secure at home, little knowing, God knows, what hangs over his head; the poor Cuckold esteeming her the most virtuous wife in the world. And should one tell him, he had seen her dressed like a Page following a knave thus, I'll lay my life he would not believe it.  Innoc. 
Why no Captain, wives take all the faith from their husbands. And that makes 'em do so many good works as they do.  Quint. 
Mercy for that i'faith Lieutenant, stand close. (Enter Fannio and Giacono)  Fann. 
My Mistress in man's apparel sayst thou?  Giac. 
Thy Mistress in man's apparel I assure thee, and attended by Angelo.  Fann. 
Would to heaven I had seen her, canst tell whither she went.  Giac. 
Full butt into Lorenzo's house, and if thou knewst him, thou know'st wherefore, an ill-favoured trimming is her errand.  Fann. 
'Tis very well, she trims my Captain prettily, in the mean time his head pays for all, and yet alas poor hornstock, he thinks her to have no fault, but her too much dotage upon him, well my conscience will not let me keep her counsel, he shall know on't.  Giac. 
Why man if both of us should tell him her fault he will not believe us.  Fann. 
No, nor if he had seen it with his own own eyes I think, I shall never forget how the profound Cockatrice hung on his sleeve today, and he should not from her sight, she'd follow him into the wars, one day should make an end of both their loves and lives, and then to see him the wittal, my Captain began to strut, and battle the pride of his merits that so heightened her affection.  Giac. 
True, and how the foppasty his Lieutenant, stepped in to persuade with her, to take it patiently, for friends must part, we came not all together, and we must not go all together.  Fann. 
Well, 'twill not be for any man to follow him, if this were known once.  Giac. 
Lord how all the boys in the town would flock about him as he walks the streets, as 'twere about a bagpipe, and hoot the poor Cuckold out of his horncase.  Fann. 
Well, and I were worthy to give him counsel, he should e'en fair and well hang himself.  Giac. 
No, no, keep it from him, and say thou found'st her at a woman's labour.  Fann. 
A plague of her labour, the captains brows sweat while she labours.  Giac. 
If I were in thy case, I should laugh out right when I saw him.  Fann. 
That dare not I do, but as often as he turns his back to me, I shall be here V with him that's certain: or when I follow him and his cheating stock Innocentio, in the streets, I shall imagine still I am driving an Ox and an Ass before me, and cry phtroh, ho, ptrough.  Innoc. 
'Slight Captain take this and take all.  Quint. 
Not a word for the world, for if we should take notice of his words the slave would deny all, leave it to me to sift it in private. Now sir, what news with you? where's your Mistress, that you range thus at your pleasure?  Fann. 
In health sir I trust.  Quint. 
Come forward you rogue you: come forward, whither creep you behind so? where's your Mistress sir?  fan 
At a poor woman's labour sir.  Quint. 
Very well sir, come Lieutenant, go you afore, and do you follow him sir.  Fann. 
What afore my Captain sir: you shall pardon me.  Quint. 
Afore you rogue, afore. Exeunt  
Finis Actus Quarti.   

Actus Quintus.  Enter Honorio, Lorenzo, Gasparo and Angelo. Hon. 
signor Lorenzo, and Gasparo, you're very welcome, we shall have good company and sport to entertain you ere long I hope, shall we not Angelo?  Ang. 
Yes sir, I have invited all you commanded me.  Lor. 
This is the honest man indeed, that took the pains to come for me.  Gasp. 
And for me also.  Ang. 
No pains but pleasure sir, I was glad I had such good means to be known to your Worship.  Lor. 
Nay, I have known you before, to be the servant of signor Honorio here, I take it.  Hon. 
Not my servant signor Lorenzo, but my sons.  Lor. 
O, your son Aurelio's servant? believe me you or your son (in mine opinion, though I say it before him) made good choice of him: for he hath a good honest face, and to a man of judgement (I tell you) that's as good as a good surety for him. I will be better acquainted with you sir, pray you give me your hand.  Ang. 
Both my hand and heart sir, shall be ever at your service.  Lor. 
Thanks my good friend, I'll make thee laugh anon Angelo.  Ang. 
I thank your Worship, you have done so often.  Hon. 
A notable wag signor Gasparo.  Gasp. 
How curiously Lorenzo thinks he carries the matter?  Lor. 
How now Gentlemen, be't a merry secret, that you smile so?  Hon. 
No secret signor Lorenzo, but a merry conceit we were thinking on, to furnish our show anon, if it had been thought on in time.  Lor. 
What was that I pray?  Hon. 
Marry sir, we had good sport today with Snail the chimney-sweeper.  Lor. 
Had you so sir?  Gasp. 
That ever was.  Lor. 
Lord that I had been amongst you, but what more of him sir?  Hon. 
Marry sir, we were thinking how we might merrily deceive our company that is to come, if we could have gotten him some magnificoes suit of the City, whom for his little stature and lean face he might resemble, that in that habit he might have stolen some kind favours from the Ladies, to make him amends and please him for the anger we put him in.  Lor. 
It would have made excellent merriment.  Ang. 
You are his best Master sir, and if it please you to send me for him by some token, I'll go for him; otherwise he will not come to these Gentlemen.  Lor. 
Shall he come Gentlemen?  Amb. 
If you please sir.  Lor. 
Why then hark thee Angelo; not for the world.  Ang. 
Think you me such an Ass sir?  Lor. 
Shall he have one of my little brother's suits, and come in amongst the Dames for him?  Hon. 
If you could, it would fit him exceedingly.  Lor. 
Much; now laugh Angelo: what Gentleman was that I spied aloft with my daughter think'st thou?  Ang. 
I know not sir; I beseech your Worship who was it?  Lor. 
Frank, in man's apparel Angelo.  Ang. 
O wonderful.  Lor. 
We cannot invent a token, for my love Angelo.  Ang. 
O excellent.  Lor. 
We will hit it anon Gentlemen.  Amb. 
At your leisure sir.  Lor. 
The swaggerer her husband, had note of it by his Page, and yet the same Page hath persuaded him, since that 'twas but a gullery.  Ang. 
'Tis a notable crack; and his Master hath such a pure belief in his wife, that he's apt to believe any good of her.  Lor. 
True Angelo, enough for this time; thou shalt make as if thou went'st for Snail, and return without him, saying thou canst not find him.  Ang. 
Agreed sir.  Lor. 
Now Gentlemen, we have devised a wile to bring Snail amongst us, and I have given Angelo order for a suit for him, that is my little brothers, and him he shall counterfeit; go Angelo seek him out.  Ang. 
I will sir. Exit Ang.  Hon. 
Thank you for this good signor Lorenzo.  Gasp. 
It will quicken the company well. Enter Aemilia, Lionell, Francischina and another woman.  Lor. 
For their sakes and yours, I have done it Gentlemen; and see the fair flock come upon us.  Hon. 
Welcome fair Ladies, but especially you Lady, that are so mere a stranger, signor Lorenzo you know young Leonoro?  Lor. 
Very well sir, a gallant spark.  Gasp. 
And I think you know his father.  Lor. 
Know him? i'faith sir there was a reveler, I shall never see man do his lofty tricks like him while I live.  Hon. 
This Gentlewoman is his Niece sir.  Lor. 
His Niece? she shall do herself wrong not to be acquainted with her dear uncles companion: Kiss her.  Gasp. 
You know not this Gentlewoman sir?  Lor. 
Not very well sir indeed, but entertainment must be given, mercy Frank for thy man's apparel, a plague of all swaggering husbands. Nay I must forth i'faith, signor Honorio, this is for your sake, am I not a kind help to your entertainment?  Hon. 
An exceeding kind one sir, and I exceedingly thank you. (Enter Messenger.)  Mess. 
The maskers are come sir.  Hon. 
Do you and your fellows attend them in.  Mess. 
We will sir. Exit Mess.  Hon. 
Sit gentle Ladies till the maskers raise you to dance.  Enter Aurelio, Leonoro, Quintiliano, and Innocentio, in a mask dancing. Hon. 
WElcome Gallants, O the room's too scant, a hall Gentlemen.  Leo. 
See how womanly my Boy looks Quintiliano.  Quint. 
'Twill be rare sport; Lieutenant, that sweet wench in the branched gown is the heir I told thee of.  Innoc. 
God's me, I'll to her and kiss her.  Quint. 
O no, you must not unmask.  Innoc. 
No, no, I'll kiss her with my mask and all.  Leo. 
No Lieutenant, take her and court her first, and then kiss her.  Omnes. 
To her slave.  Aur. 
There's thy wife too, Quintiliano.  Quint. 
True, little knows she I am so near her; I'll single her out, and try what entertainment a stranger may find with her.  Aur. 
Do so, and we'll take up the tother. (Enter Angelo.)  They dance. Ang. 
I can by no means find Snail sir.  Hon. 
The worse luck, but what remedy?  Lor. 
Gramercy Angelo; but signor Lorenzo, methinks I miss one flower in this female garland.  Hon. 
whose's that?  Lor. 
Your Niece Lucretia,  Hon. 
By my soul 'tis true; what's the reason Angelo Lucretia is not here?  Ang. 
I know no reason but her own will sir.  Gasp. 
there's somewhat in it certain. They dance again.  Inno. 
Did you see the play today I pray?  Lio. 
No, but I see the fool in it here.  Inno. 
Do you so forsooth? where is he pray?  Lio. 
Not far from you sir, but we must not point at anybody here.  Inno. 
That's true indeed, cry mercy forsooth, do you know me through my mask?  Lio. 
Not I sir, she must have better skill in baked meats then I, that can discern a woodcock through the crust.  Inno. 
That's true indeed, but yet I thought I'd try you. (Enter Lodouico.) They dance.  Lor. 
What Nephew Lodwick, I thought you had been one of the maskers.  Lod. 
I use no masking sir with my friends.  Hon. 
No signor Lodowick, but you're a very truant in your school of friendship, that come so late to your friends.  Gasp. 
Somewhat has crossed him sure.  Leo. 
Somewhat shall cross him; Lodovico let me speak with you.  Lod. 
With me sir?  Leo. 
You are the man sir, I can scarce say the Gentleman, for you have done a wrong the credit of a Gentleman cannot answer.  Lod. 
Would I might see his face, that durst say so much.  Lod. 
Observe him well, he shoes his face that will prove it when thou dar'st.  Aur. 
How now Leonoro, you forget yourself too much, to grow outrageous in this company.  Leo. 
Aurelio, do not wrong me, and yourself, I undertake your quarrel, this man hath dishonoured your Kinswoman Lucretia, whom (if I might) I intended to marry.  Aur. 
Some error makes you mistake Leonoro, I assure myself.  Hon. 
What interruption of our sport is this gentlemen?  Lor. 
Are not my Nephew and Leonoro friends?  Lod. 
He charges me with dishonouring his mistress Lucretia.  Hon. 
by’r lady Lodovico, the charge touches you deeply, you must answer it.  Lod. 
I only desire I may sir, and then will refer me to your censures.  Lor. 
Well Nephew, well; will you never leave this your haunt of fornication? I school him, and do all I can, but all is lost.  Lod. 
Good Uncle give me leave to answer my other accuser, and then I'll descend, and speak of your fornication, as the last branch of my division.  Lor. 
Very well, be brief.  Lod. 
I will sir; The ground upon which this man builds his false imagination, is his sight of me at Honorio's back gate, since dinner, where muffled in my cloak, kind Madam Temperance, the attendant of Lucretia, from the terrace, wafted me to her with her hand; taking me (as now I understand) for this honest Gentleman, I not knowing what use she had to put me to, obeyed the attraction of her signal, as gingerly as she bade me. (A plague upon her gingerly) till she locked me into Lucretia's chamber, where Lucretia lying asleep on her bed, I thought it rudeness to wake her; and (imagining when she waked she had something to say to me) attended her leisure at my ease, and lay down softly by her; when (having chaster and simpler thoughts than Leonoro imagines) because he measures my waste by his own) in the very coldness and dullness of my spirit, I fell suddenly asleep. In which my fancy presented me with the strangest dream, that ever yet possessed me.  Lor. 
Pray God you did but dream Nephew.  Lod. 
You shall know that by knowing the event of it.  Hon. 
Go to, pray let us hear it.  Lod. 
methought Lucretia and I were at maw, a game Uncle that you can well skill of.  Lor. 
Well sir I can so.  Lod. 
You will the more muse at my fortune; or my oversights. For my game stood, methought, upon my last two tricks, when I made sure of the set, and yet lost it, having the varlet and the five finger to make two tricks.  Lor. 
How had that been possible?  Hon. 
That had been no misfortune sure but plain oversight.  Gasp. 
But what was the reason you thought you lost it sir?  Lod. 
You shall hear; she had in her hand the Ace of Hearts, methought, and a Coat-card, she led the board with her coat, I played the varlet, and took up her coat, and meaning to lay my five finger upon her Ace of hearts, up start a quite contrary card; up she rises withal, takes me a dash o' the mouth, drew a rapier he had lie by him, and out of doors we went together by the ears.  Hon. 
A rapier he had lie by him?  Lor. 
What a she turned to a he? dost thou not dream all this while Nephew.  Lod. 
No nor that time neither, though I pretended it; let him be fetched, I warrant you he will show as good cards as the best on you, to prove him an heir Male, if he be the eldest child of his father.  Hon. 
This is exceeding strange: go Angelo, fetch her and her handmaid.  Ang. 
I will sir, if her valour be not too hot for my fingers. Exit.  Hon. 
Could such a disguise be made good all this while without my knowledge? to say truth, she was a stranger to me, her father being a Sicilian: fled thence for a disastrous act, and coming hither grew kindly acquainted with me, and called me brother. At his death committing his supposed daughter to my care and protection, till she were restored to her estate in her native Country.  Lor. 
Was he in hope of it?  Hon. 
He was, and in near possibility of it himself, had he lived but little longer. (Enter Angelo and Lucretia.)  Ang. 
Here's the Gentlewoman you talked of sir, nay you must come forward too grave Mistress Temperance.  Lod. 
How now sir? who wants gentility now I beseech you?  Leo. 
Who have we here?  Lucr. 
Stand not amazed, nor disparaged him: you see sir, this habit truly doth suit my sex, howsoever my hard fortunes have made me a while reject it.  Hon. 
What hard fortunes?  Lucr. 
Those you know of my father sir: who feared my following of him in my native likeness, to the haven, where he by stealth embarked us, and would have discovered him, his offence being the slaughter of a Gentleman, that would have slain him.  Hono. 
But did you not tell me you were betrothed before this misfortune happened, to a young Gentleman of Sicily, called Theagines?  Lucr. 
I told you I was betrothed to one Theagine, not Theagines, who indeed was a woman,  Lio. 
And yet whosoever had seen that Theagine since might have taken him for a man.  Lucr. 
Do you know her Gentlewoman?  L●o. 
It seems you will not know her.  Leo. 
Hark how my boy plays the knave with her.  Quint. 
A noble rogue, 'Sfoot Lieutenant, wilt thou suffer thy nose to be wiped of this great heir?  Inno. 
'Slight sir you are no handkercher are you?  Lucr. 
Pre thee forbear, more happy than unlooked for Is this dear accident: adopted and noble father, this is the Gentlewoman to whom I told you I was betrothed, the happy news she had to relate to me, made her a traveler, the more search of her passage made her a Page, and her good fortune obtained her— this honest Gentleman to her Master, who I thank him, being (as he supposed me) loved me, accept us both for your children.  Hono. 
Most gladly and with no less care, than mine own protect you.  Quint. 
'Sfoot, how now Leonora? new fireworks?  Lod. 
New sir, who wants gentility? this is a gentlemanly part of you to keep a wench in a page's furniture?  Leo. 
It was more than I knew Sir, but this shall be a warning to me while I live, how I judge of the instrument by the case again.  Lucr. 
Nay it is you friend Lodovico that are most to blame, that holding the whole feminine sex in such contempt, would yet play the pickpurse, and steal a poor Maid's maidenhead out of her pocket sleeping.  Leo. 
'Twas but to cozen me.  Aur. 
And to be before me in love.  Lor. 
And to laugh at me.  Lod. 
Nay, jest not at me sweet Gentles, I used plain and mannerly dealing, I neither used the brokage of any, as you know who did Leonoro, nor the help of a ladder to creep in at a wench's chamber window (as you know who did Aurelio.) Nor did I case myself in buckram, and cry chimney sweep (where are you uncle?) but I was trained to it by this honest matron here.  Temp. 
Meddle not with me sir.  Lucr. 
I am beholding to her, she was loath to have me lead apes in hell.  Quint. 
Look that you keep promise with me Lady, when will thy husband be from home?  Fran. 
Not so soon as I would wish him, but whensoever you shall be welcome.  Quint. 
I very kindly thank you Lady.  Fran. 
God's me, I took you for signor Placentia.  Quint. 
'Sfoot, thou liest in thy throat, thou knewst me as well as myself.  Hono. 
What, signor Quintilian, and friend Innocentio? I looked not for you here, & you're much the better welcome.  Quin. 
Thanks dad Honorio, and lives my little squire? when shall I see thee at my house lad?  Lor. 
A plague a your house, I was there too lately.  Lod. 
See Lordings, her's two will not let go till they have your consents to be made surer.  Lor. 
By my soul, and because old Gasparo here has been so cold in his love suit, if she be better pleased with Aurelio, and his father with her, heaven give abundance of good with him.  Hono. 
So you stand not too much upon goods, I say, Amen.  Lor. 
Faith use him as your son and heir, and I desire no more.  Hono. 
So will I of mine honour, are you agreed youths?  Ambo. 
And most humbly gratulate your high favours.  Gasp. 
Faith & jove give 'em joy together for my part.  Lod. 
Yet is here another nail to be driven, here's a virtuous Matron, Madam Temperance, that is able to do much good in a commonwealth, a woman of good parts, sells complexion helps maids to services, restores maidenheads, brings women to bed, and men to their bedsides.  Temp. 
By my faith, but save votre grace sir.  Lod. 
Hath drinks for love, and gives the diet.  Temp. 
by’r lady, and that's not amiss for you sir.  Lod. 
For me, with a plague tee?  Temp. 
No nor for any man that's not sound I mean sir.  Lod. 
'Sfoot masters these be good parts in the old wench, wilt thou have her Lieutenant? she'll be a good stay to the rest of thy living, the gallants will all honour thee at thy house I warrant thee.  Inno. 
Fore God Captain I care not if I have.  Temp. 
Well young Gentleman, perhaps it should not be the worst for you.  Quint. 
Why la, thy virtues have owned her at first sight, she shall not come to thee empty, for I'll promise thee that I'll make her able to bid any Gentleman welcome to a piece of mutton and rabbit at all times.  Lor. 
by’r lady, a good ordinary.  Quint. 
though't visit sometimes Dad.  Lor 
That I will i'faith boy in authority wise.  Quint. 
Why then strike hands, and if the rest be pleased,  
Let all hands strike as these have struck afore,  
And with round Echoes make the welkin roar. Exeunt.  
Finis Actus Quinti & ultimi.