A pleasant Comedy entitled: An Humorous days Mirth.  
As it hath been sundry times publicly acted by the right honourable the Earl of Nottingham Lord high Admiral his servants.  
By G. C.  
 
AT LONDON Printed by Valentine Syms: 1599.   

A pleasant Comedy entitled An humorous days mirth.  Enter the count Labervele in his shirt and night gown, with two jewels in his hand. Labervele. 
YEt hath the morning sprinkled through't the clouds, But half her tincture and the soil of night sticks still upon the bosom of the air: yet sleep doth rest my love for Nature's debt, and through her window, and this dun twilight, her maid, nor any waking I can see. This is the holy Green my wife's close walk, to which not any but herself alone hath any key, only that I have clapped her key in wax, and made this counterfeit, to the which I steal access, to work this rare & politic device: Fair is my wife and young and delicate, although too religious in the purest sort, but pure religion being but mental stuff and sense indeed, all for itself, is to be doubted, that when an object comes fit to her humour she will intercept religious letters sent unto her mind, and yield unto the motion of her blood, here have I brought then two rich agots for her, graven with two poses of mine own devising, for Poets I'll not trust, nor friends, nor any: she longs to have a child, which yet alas I cannot get, Yet long as much as she, and not to make her desperate, thus I write in this fair jewel though it simple be, yet 'tis mine own that meaneth well in nought, 'tis spare, not of children, love with the longest, when man is at the weakest, god is at strongest, I hope 'tis plain, & knowing in this other that I write, God will reward her a thousand fold, that takes what age can and not what age would, I hope 'tis pretty & pathetical: Well, even here lie both together till my love arise and let her think you fall out of the skies, I will to bed again.  Exit. Enter Lemot and Colenet. Lemot. 
How like thou this morning Colenet? What, shall we have a fair day?  Colenet. 
The sky hangs full of humour, and I think we shall have rain.  Lem. 
Why rain is fair wether when the ground is dry and barren, especially when it rains humour, for then do men like hot sparrows and pigeons open all their wings ready to receive them.  Col. 
Why then we may chance to have a fair day, for we shall spend it with so humorous acquaintance, as rains nothing but humour all their life time.  Le. 
True Colenet, over which will I sit like an old King in an old fashion play, having his wife, his counsel, his children, and his fool about him, to whom he will sit and point very learnedly as followeth; my counsel grave, and you my noble peers, my tender wife, and you my children dear, and thou my fool.  Co. 
Not meaning me sir I hope.  Le. 
No sir, but thus will I sit, as it were, and point out all my humorous companions.  Co. 
You shall do marvelous well sir.  Le. 
I thank you for your good encouragement, but Colinet thou shalt see Catalian bring me hither an odd gentleman presently to be acquainted withal, who in his manner of taking acquaintance will make us excellent sport.  Co. 
Why Lemot I think thou send'st about of purpose for young gallants to be acquainted withal, to make thyself merry in the manner of taking acquaintance.  Le. 
By heaven I do Colenet, for there is no better sport than to observe the complement, for that's their word, complement, do you mark sir?  Co. 
Yea sir, but what humour hath this gallant in his manner of taking acquaintance?  Le. 
Marry thus sir, he will speak the very self same word, to a syllable after him of whom he takes acquaintance, as if I should say,  

I am marvelous glad of your acquaintance, He will reply,  
I am marvelous glad of your acquaintance,  
I have heard much good of your rare parts & fine carriage,  
I have heard much good of your rare parts & fine carriage, so long as the compliments of a gentleman last, he is your complete ape.   Co. 
Why this is excellent.  Le. 
Nay sirrah here's the jest of it, when he is past this gratulation, he will retire himself to a chimney, or a wall standing folding his arms thus: and go you and speak to him so far as the room you are in will afford you, you shall never get him from that most gentlemanlike set, or behaviour.  Co. 
This makes his humour perfect, I would he would come once.  Enter Catalian and Blanuel. Le. 
See where he comes, now must I say, Lupus est in fabula, for these latin ends are part of a gentleman and a good scholar.  Catalian. 
O good morrow monsieur Lemot, here is the gentleman you desired so much to be acquainted withal.  Le. 
He is marvelous welcome, I shall be exceeding proud of your acquaintance.  Blan. 
I shall be exceeding proud of your acquaintance.  Le. 
I have heard much good of your rare parts and fine carriages.  Blan. 
I have heard much good of your rare parts and fine carriages.  Le. 
I shall be glad to be commanded by you.  Blan. 
I shall be glad to be commanded by you.  Le. 
I pray do not you say so.  Blan. 
I pray do not you say so.  Le. 
Well Gentlemen, this day let's consecrate to mirth, and Colenet you know no man better, that you are mightily in love with love, by Martia daughter to old Foyes.  Co. 
I confess it here are none but friends.  Le. 
Well then, go to her this morning in Countess Moris' name, and so perhaps you may get her company, though the old churl be so jealous that he will suffer no man to come at her, but the vain gull Labesha for his living sake, and he as yet she will not be acquainted withal.  Co. 
Well this isle do whatsoever come on it.  Le. 
Why nothing but good will come of it, near doubt it man.  Cata. 
He hath taken up his stand, talk a little further and see and you can remove him.  Le. 
I will Cat. now Monsieur Blanuele mark I pray.  Blan. 
I do sir very well I warrant you.  Le. 
You know the old Count Labervele, hath a passing fair young Lady, that is a passing foul Puritan.  Blan. 
I know her very well sir, she goes more like a milk maid than a Countess, for all her youth and beauty.  Lemot. 
True sir, yet of her is the old Count so jealous that he will suffer no man to come at her, yet I will find a means, that two of us will have access to her tho, before his face, which shall so heat his jealous humour till he be start mad: but Colenet go you first to lovely Martia, for 'tis too soon for the old Lord and his fair young Lady to rise.  Co. 
adieu monsieur Blanuel.  Blan. 
A due good Monsieur Colinet.  Exit Col. Le. 
monsieur Blanuel your kindness in this will bind me much to you.  Bla. 
monsieur Lemot your kindness in this will bind me much to you.  Le. 
I pray you do not say so sir.  Blan. 
I pray you do not say so sir,  Le. 
willt please you to go in.  Blan. 
willt please you to go in.  Le. 
I will follow you.  Blan. 
I will follow you.  Le. 
It shall be yours.  Blan. 
It shall be yours.  Le. 
Kind Monsieur Blanuel.  Blan. 
Kind monsieur Lemot.  Exit. Enter Foyes, and Martia, and Besha. Foyes. 
Come on fair daughter fall to your work of mind, and make your body fit to embrace the body of this gentleman's, 'tis art: happy are they say I.  Be. 
I protest sir you speak the best that ever I heard.  Fo. 
I pray sir take acquaintance of my daughter.  Be. 
I do desire you of more acquaintance.  Fo. 
Why dost not thou say yea, and I the same of you?  Mar. 
That everybody says.  Fo. 
O you would be singular.  Mar. 
Single indeed.  Fo. 
Single indeed that's a pretty toy, Your betters dame bear double, and so shall you.  Be. 
exceedingly pretty, did you mark it forsooth?  Mar. 
What should I mark forsooth?  Be. 
Your bearing double, which equivocate is & hath fit illusion to a horse that bears double, for your good father means you shall endure your single life no longer, not in worse sense than bearing double forsooth.  Mar. 
I cry you mercy, you know both belike.  Be. 
Knowledge forsooth is like a horse, and you that can bear double: it nourisheth both Bee and Spider, the Bee honeysuckle, the Spider poison, I am that be.  Mar. 
I thought so by your stinging wit.  Be. 
Lady I am a Bee without a sting, no way hurting any, but good to all, and before all, to your sweet self.  Fo. 
Afore God daughter, thou art not worthy to hear him speak: but who comes here?  Enter Colinet. Co. 
God save you sir.  Fo. 
You are welcome sir for aught that I know yet.  Co. 
I hope I shall be so still sir.  Fo. 
What is your business sir, and then I'll tell you?  Co. 
Marry thus sir, the Countess Morene entreats your fair daughter to bear her company this forenoon.  Fo. 
This forenoon sir, doth my Lord or Lady send for her I pray?  Co. 
My Lady I assure you.  Fo. 
My Lady you assure me, very well sir, yet that house is full of gallant Gentlemen, dangerous thorns to prick young maids I can tell you.  Co. 
There are none but honest and honourable Gentlemen.  Fo. 
All is one sir for that, I'll trust my daughter with any man, but no man with my daughter, only yourself monsieur Besha, whom I will entreat to be her guardian, & to bring her home again.  Co. 
I will wait upon her, and it please you.  Fo 
No sir, your weight upon her will not be so good: here monsieur Besha I deliver my daughter unto you a perfect maid, and so I pray you look well unto her.  Co. 
Farewell monsieur Foyes.  Besh. 
I warrant I'll look unto her well enough. Mistress will it please you to preambulate.  Ma. 
With all my heart.  Exeunt. Enter the Puritan. Florila 
What have I done? put on too many clothes, the day is hot, and I am hotter clad than might suffice health, my conscience tells me that I have offended, and I'll put them off, that will ask time that might be better spent, one sin will draw another quickly so, see how the devil tempts: but what's here? jewels? how should these come here?  Enter Labervele. Lab. 
Good morrow lovely wife, what haste thou there?  Flo. 
jewels my Lord which here I strangely found.  Lab. 
That's strange indeed, what, where none comes but when yourself is here? surely the heavens have rained thee jewels for thy holy life, and using thy old husband lovingly or else do Fairies haunt this holy green, as evermore, mine ancestors have thought.  Flo. 
Fairies were but in times of ignorance, not since the true pure light hath been revealed, and that they come from heaven I scarce believe: for jewels are vain things, much gold is given for such fantastical & fruitless jewels, and therefore heaven I know will not maintain the use of vanity, surely I fear I have much sinned to stoop take take them up, bowing my body to an idle work, the strength that I have had to this very deed might have been used to take a poor soul up in the his way.  Lab. 
You are too curious wise, behold your jewels: what methinks there's posies written on them. Despair not of children, 
Then he reads.  love with the longest, when man is at the weakest, god is at the strongest. Wonderful rare and witty, nay divine, why this is heavenly comfort for thee wife, what is this other? God will reward her a thousand fold that takes what age can, & not what age would. The best that ever I heard, no mortal brain I think did ever utter such conceit for good plain matter, and for honest rhyme.  Flo. 
Vain Poetry, I pray you burn them sir.  La. 
You are to blame wife, heaven hath sent you them to deck yourself withal, like to yourself, not to go thus like a milkmaid, why there is difference in all estates by all religion.  Flo. 
There is no difference.  Lab. 
I prithee wife be of another mind, and wear these jewels and a velvet hood.  Flo 
A velvet hood! O vain devilish devise a toy made with a superfluous flap, which being cut off, my head were still aswarm. Diogenes did cast away his dish, because his hand would serve to help him drink, surely these heathens shall rise up against us.  Lab. 
Sure wife I think thy keeping always close, making thee melancholy, is the cause we have no children, and therefore if thou wilt, be merry, and keep company a God's name.  Flo. 
Sure my lord, if I thought I should be rid of this same banishment of barrenness, and use our marriage to the end it was made which was for procreation, I should sin, if by my keeping house I should neglect the lawful means to be a fruitful mother, & therefore if it please you i'll use resort  Lab. 
God's my passion what have I done? who would have thought her pureness would yield so soon to courses of temptations? nay hark you wife, I am not sure that going abroad will cause fruitfulness in you, that you know none knows but God himself.  Flo. 
I know my lord 'tis true, but the lawful means must still be used.  Lab. 
Yea, the lawful means indeed must still, but now I remember that lawful means is not abroad.  Flo. 
Well, well, I'll keep the house still.  Lab. 
Nay, hark you lady, I would not have you think, marry, I must tell you this, if you should change the manner of your life, the world would think you changed religion too.  Flo. 
'tis true, I will not go.  Lab. 
Nay, if you have a fancy.  Flo 
Yea a fancy, but that's no matter.  La. 
Indeed fancies are not for judicial & religious women.  Enter Catalian like a scholar. Cat. 
God save your lordship, & you most religious lady.  Lab. 
Sir you may say God save us well indeed that thus are thrust upon in private walks.  Cat, 
A slender thrust sir, where I touch you not.  Lab. 
Well sir what is your business?  Cat. 
Why sir, I have a message to my lady from Monsieur du Barto.  Lab. 
To your lady, well sir, speak your mind to your lady.  Flo. 
You are very welcome sir, and I pray how doth he.  Cat. 
In health Madam, thanks be to God, commending his duty to your ladyship, & hath sent you a message which I would desire your honour to hear in private.  Flo. 
My ladyship, and my honour, they be words which I must have you leave, they be idle words, and you shall answer for them truly: my duty to you, or I desire you, were a great deal better, then, my ladyship, or my honour.  Cat. 
I thank you for your christian admonition.  Flo. 
Nay thank God for me: Come I will hear your message with all my heart, and you are very welcome sir.  Lab. 
With all my heart, and you are very welcome sir, and go and talk with a young lusty fellow able to make a man's hair stand upright on his head, what purity is there in this trow you? ha, what wench of the faculty could have been more forward? Well sir, I will know your message, you sir, you sir, what says the holy man sir, come tell true, for by heaven or hell I will have it out.  Cat. 
Why you shall sir, if you be so desirous.  Lab. 
Nay sir, I am more than so desirous: come sir, study not for a new device now.  Cat. 
Not I my lord, this is both new and old, I am a scholar, and being spiritually inclined by your ladies most godly life, I am to profess the ministery, & to become her chaplain, to which end monsieur du Barte hath commended me.  Lab. 
Her chaplain in the devils name, fit to be vicar of hell.  Flo. 
My good head, what are you afraid of? he comes with a godly & neighbourly suit: what think you his words or his looks can tempt me? have you so little faith? if every word he spoke were a serpent, as subtle as that which tempted eve, he cannot tempt me I warrant you.  La. 
Well answered for him lady by my faith: well hark you I'll keep your chaplains place yonder for a while, and at 
Enter Lemot.  length put in one myself: what more yet? God's my passion whom do I see, the very imp of desolation, the minion of our King, whom no man sees to enter his house but he looks up, his wife, his children, and his maids, for where he goes he carries his house upon his head like a snail: now sir I hope your business is to me.  Lem. 
No sir, I must crave a word with my lady.  La. 
These words are intolerable, & she shall hear no more  Lem. 
She must hear me speak.  Lab. 
Must she sir, have you brought the kings warrant for it?  Le. 
I have brought that which is above Kings.  Lab. 
Why every man for her sake is a puritan. The Devil I think will shortly turn Puritan, or the Puritan will turn Devil.  Flo. 
What have you brought sir?  Lem. 
marry this Madam, you know we ought to prove one another's constancy, and I am come in all chaste and honourable sort to prove your constancy.  Flo. 
You are very welcome sir, and I will abide your proof: it is my duty to abide your proof.  Lab. 
You le bide his proof, it is your duty to bide his proof, how the devil will you bide his proof?  Flo 
My good head, no other wise then before your face in all honourable and religious sort, I tell you I am constant to you, and he comes to try whether I be so or no, which I must endure, begin your proof sir.  Le. 
Nay Madam, not in your husband's hearing, though in his sight for there is no woman will show she is tempted from her constancy, though she be a little: withdraw yourself sweet lady.  Lab. 
Well I will see though I do not hear, women may be courted without offence, so they resist the courtier.  Lem. 
Dear and most beautiful lady, of all the sweet honest and honourable means to prove the purity of a lady's constancy, kisses are the strongest, I will therefore be bold to begin my proof with a kiss.  Fo 
No sir, no kissing.  Lem. 
No kissing Madam? how shall I prove you then sufficiently, not using the most sufficient proof? to flatter yourself by affection of spirit, when it is not perfectly tried, is sin.  Flo. 
You say well sir, that which is truth is truth.  Le. 
Then do you well Lady and yield to the truth.  Flo. 
By your leave sir, my husband sees, peradventure it may breed an offence to him.  Lem. 
How can it breed an offence to your husband to see your constancy perfectly tried.  Flo. 
You are an odd man I see, but first I pray tell me how kissing is the best proof of chaste Ladies.  Lem. 
To give you a reason for that, you must give me leave to be obscure and Philosophical.  Flo. 
I pray yond be, I love Philosophy well.  Lem. 
Then thus Madam: every kiss is made as the voice is by imagination and appetite, and as both those are presented to the ear in the voice, so are they to the silent spirits in our kisses.  Flo. 
To what spirit mean you?  Lem. 
To the spirits of our blood.  Flo. 
What if it do?  Lem: 
Why then my imagination, and mine appetite working upon your ears in my voice, and upon your spirits in my kisses, piercing therein the more deeply, they give the stronger assault against your constancy.  Flo. 
Why then to say, prove my constancy, is as much as to say, kiss me.  Lem. 
most true rare Lady.  Flo. 
Then prove my constancy.  Lem 
Believe me Madam, you gather exceeding wittily upon it.  Lab. 
O my forehead, my very heart aches at a blow, what dost thou mean wife? thou wilt lose thy fame, discredit thy religion, and dishonour me for ever.  Flo. 
Away sir, I will abide no more of your proof, nor endure any more of your trial.  Lem. 
O she dares not, she dares not I am as glad I have tried your purity as may be: you the most constant Lady in France? I know an hundred Ladies in this town that will dance, evil all night amongst gallants, and in the morning go to bed to her husband as clear a woman as if she were new christened, kiss him, embrace him, and say, no, no husband, thou art the man, and he takes her for the woman.  Flo. 
And all this can I do.  La. 
Take heed of it wife.  Flo. 
Fear not my good head, I warrant you for him.  Lem. 
Nay Madam, triumph not before the victory, how can you conquer that, against which you never strive, or strive against that which never encounters you To live idle in this walk, to enjoy this company, to wear this habit, and have no more delights than those will afford you, is to make virtue an idle housewife, and to hide herself slothful cobwebs that still should be adorned with actions of victory: no Madam, if you will unworthily prove your constancy to your husband, you must put on rich apparel, fare daintily, hear music, read sonnets be continually courted, kiss, dance, feast, revel all night amongst gallants, then if you come to bed to your husband with a clear mind, and a clear body, then are your virtues ipsissima; then have you passed the full test of experiment, and you shall have an hundred gallants fight thus far in blood for the defence of your reputation.  Lab. 
O vanity of vanities!  Flo. 
O husband this is perfect trial indeed.  La. 
And you will try all this now, will you not?  Flo 
Yea my good head, for it is written, we must pass to perfection through all temptation, Abacuk the fourth.  Lab. 
Abacuk, cuck me no cucks, in a doors I say, thieves, Puritans, murderers, in a doors I say.  Exit. Le. 
So now is he start mad i'faith: but sirrah, as this is an old Lord jealous of his young wife, so is ancient Countess Moren jealous of her young husband, we'll thither to have some sport i'faith.  Exit. Enter Besha hanging upon Martia sleeve, and the Lord Moren comes to them. Mar. 
I prithee Besha keep a little off; hang not upon her shoulders thus for shame.  Be. 
My Lord, Pardon a moy, I must not let her talk alone with any one, for her father gave me charge.  Mar. 
O you are a goodly charger for a Goose.  Be. 
A Goose, you are a Gander to call me Goose, I am a christian Gentleman as well as you.  Mar. 
Well sirrah get you hence, or by my troth I'll have thee taken out in a blanket, tossed from forth our hearing.  Be. 
In a blanket? what do you make a puppy of me, by skies and stones I will go and tell your Lady.  Exit. Mor. 
Nay but Besha.  Mar. 
Nay he will tell my Lord.  Enter the Countess Moren and Besha. Co. 
Why how now my Lord, what thought you I was dead, that you are wooing of another thus, or are you laying plots to work my death?  Mor. 
Why neither sweet bird, what need you move these questions unto me, whom you know loves you above all the women in the world?  Co. 
How he can flatter now he hath made a fault.  Besh, 
He can do little, and he cannot cog.  Mor. 
Out you ass.  Co. 
Well, come tell me what you did entreat.  Mor. 
Nothing by heaven sweet bird I swear, but to entreat her love.  Co. 
But to entreat her love.  Mor. 
Nay hear me out.  Co. 
Nay here you are out, you are out too much methinks, and put me in.  Mor. 
And put you in?  Co. 
In a fair taking sir I mean.  Mor. 
O you may see what hasty taking is, you women evermore scramble for our words, and never take them mannerly from our mouths.  Con. 
Come tell me what you did entreat.  Mor. 
I did entreat her love to Colinet.  Con. 
To Colinet? O he is your dear x, and your kind heart i'faith is never well but when you are doing good for every man: speak, do you love me?  Mor. 
I'faith sweet bird.  Con. 
Best of all others.  Mor. 
Best of all others?  Con. 
That's my good bird i'faith.  Besh. 
O mistress, will you love me so?  Mor. 
No by my troth will I not.  Besh. 
No by my troth will I not: Why that's well said, I could never get her to flatter me yet.  Enter Lemot, Blanuel, and Catalian, and Colinet. Le 
Good morrow my good Lord, and these passing lovely Ladies.  Cat. 
So now we shall have all manner of flattering with Monsieur Lemot.  Le 
You are all manner of ways deceived Madam, for I am so far from flattering you, that I do not a whit praise you.  Con. 
Why do you call us passing lovely then?  Lem. 
Because you are passing from your loveliness.  Mar. 
Madam we shall not have one mot of Monsieur Lemot, but it shall be as it were a mote to drown all our conceit in admiration.  Le. 
See what a mote her quick eye can spy in mine, before she looks in it.  Mar 
So mote I thee, thine answer is as good as mought be.  Le. 
Here's a poor name run out of breath quickly.  Co. 
Why Monsieur Lemot, your name is run out of breath at every word you speak.  Le. 
That's because my name signifies word.  Mar. 
Well hit, Monsieur verbum.  Le. 
What are you good at latin Lady?  Mar. 
No sir, but I know what verbum is.  Le. 
Why 'tis greenebum, ver is green, and you know what bum is, I am sure of that.  Mar. 
No sir, 'tis a verb, and I can decline you.  Lem. 
That you can I'll be sworn.  Mar. 
What can I do?  Le. 
Decline me, or take me a hole lower, as the proverb is.  Mar. 
Nay sir, I mean plain Grammatical declination  Le. 
Well, let's hear your scholarship, and decline me.  Mar. 
I will sir, moto, motas.  Besha. 
O excellent! she hath called him ass in latin.  Le. 
Well sir, forward.  Mar. 
Nay there's enough to try both our scholarhips  Le. 
Moto, motas, nay faith forward to motani, or motandi.  Mar. 
Nay sir, I'll leave when I am well.  Co. 
Why Monsieur Lemot, your name being in word general, is in nini, or in hammer, or in cock, or in buzzard.  Le. 
Or in wagtail, or in woodcock, or in dotterel, or in dizzard.  Ma. 
Or in clot, or in head, or in cow, or in baby.  Le. 
Or in malkin, or in trash, or in pape, or in Lady.  Co. 
Or in deed in every thing.  Le. 
Why then 'tis in Thing.  Ma. 
Then good monsieur Thing, there let it rest.  Le. 
Then above all things I must have a word with you.  Be. 
Hands off sir, she is not for your mowing.  Le. 
She is for your mocking.  Be. 
And she mock me, I'll tell her father.  Le. 
That's a good child, thou smellest of the mother, and she was a fool I warrant you.  Be. 
Meddle with me, but do not meddle with my mother.  Le. 
That's a good child, come, I must needs have a word with you.  Be. 
You shall do none of your needs with her sir.  Cata. 
Why what will you do? 
Then he offereth to draw.   Be. 
What will I do? you shall see what I'll do.  Blan. 
Go to you ass, offer to draw here, and we'll draw thee out of the house by the heels.  Be. 
What, three against one? now was ever proper hard favoured Gentleman so abused?  
Go to Mistress Martia, I see you well enough, are you not ashamed to stand talking alone with such a one as he?  Le. 
How sir? with such a one as I sir?  Be. 
Yea sir, with such a one as you sir.  Le. 
Why, what am I?  Be. 
What are you sir? why I know you well enough.  Le. 
Sirrah tell me, what you know me for, or else by heaven I'll make thee better thou hadst never known how to speak.  Be. 
Why sir, if you will needs know, I know you for an honourable gentleman and the king's minion, and were it not to you, there's near a gentleman in Paris should have had her out of my hands.  Ma. 
Nay, he's as tall a Gentleman of his hands as avy is in Paris.  Col. 
There's a favour for you sir.  Le. 
But I can get no favour for you sir.  Blan. 
I pray my Lord entreat for your cousin Colinet.  Mo. 
Alas man, I dare not for my wife.  Cat. 
Why my Lord she thinks it is for nothing, but to speak for your cozen.  Mo. 
I pray you bird, give me leave to speak for my cozen.  Co. 
I am content for him.  Mo. 
Then one word with you more, courteous lady Martia.  Be. 
Not, and you were my father.  Mo. 
Gentlemen, for God sake thrust this ass out of the doors.  Lem. 
Nay, by’r lady he'll run home and tell her father.  Ca. 
Well, go to her, I warrant he shall not trouble you (kind gentleman) how we dote on thee: embrace him gentlemen.  Blan. 
O sweet Besha how we honour thee.  Co. 
Nay Gentlemen, look what a piercing eye he hath.  Be. 
An eye? I have an eye and it were a polecat.  Ca. 
Nay, look what a nose he hath.  Be. 
My nose is neat crimson.  Blan. 
Nay, look what a handsome man he is, O Nature, Nature, thou never madest man of so pure a feature.  Be 
Truly truly Gentlemen, I do not deserve this kindness.  Ca. 
O Lord sir, you are too modest, come shall we walk?  Be. 
Whither? to the alehouse?  Le 
Hark you Madam, have you no more care of the right of your husband, than to let him talk thus affectionately with another?  Coun. 
Why he speaks not for himself, but for his cozen Colinet. 
Enter Lemot.   Le. 
God's my life? he tells you so, nay and these excuses may serve I have done.  Con. 
By the mass now I observe him, he looks very suspiciously indeed, near trust me if his looks, and his gesture do not plainly show himself to swear, by this light I do love thee.  Lem. 
by’r lady Madam you guess shrewdly indeed, but hark you Madam, I pray let not me be the author of discord between my good Lord and you.  Con. 
No no Monsieur Lemot, I were blind if I could not see this, i'll slit her nose by jesus  Me. 
How now what's the matter?  Co. 
What's the matter? if I could come at your Mistress, she should know what's the matter.  Mo. 
My Mistress?  Co. 
Yea your Mistress, O here's fair dissimulation, O ye impudent gossip, do I send for you to my house to make you my companion, and do you use me thus? little dost thou know what 'tis to love a man truly, for if thou didst, thou wouldst be ashamed to wrong me so.  Mar. 
You wrong me Madam to say I wrong you.  Co. 
Go to, get you out of my house.  Mar. 
I am gone Madam.  Mor. 
Well, come in sweet bird and I'll persuade thee, there's no harm done.  C. 
Well, we shall hear your persuasions.  Le. 
Well God knows, and I can partly guess what he must do to persuade her: well, take your fair charge, fair and manly L. Monsieur Labesha.  Co. 
One word with you more fair lady.  Le. 
Not a word, no man on pain of death, not a word, he comes upon my rapiers point, that comes within forty foot on her.  Be. 
Thanks good Lemot, and thanks gentlemen all, and her father shall thank you.  C. 
Much good do it you sir: come Gentlemen, let's go wait upon the king, and see the humour of the young lord Dowseger.  Lem. 
Excuse me to the King, and tell him I will meet him there: so this is but the beginning of sport between this fine lord and his old lady: but this wench Martia hath happy stars reigned at the disposition of her beauty, for the King himself doth mightily dote on her. Now to my Puritan, and see if I can make up my full proof of her.  Enter the Puritan in her best attire. Flo. 
Now am I up and ready, ready? why? because my clothes once on, that call we ready: but readiness I hope hath reference to some fit action for our several state: for when I am attired thus Countess-like, 'tis not to work, for that befits me not, 'tis on some pleasure, whose chief object is one man's content, and he my husband is, but what need I thus be attired, for that he would be pleased with meaner weed? besides I take no pleasure thus to please him: I am content, because it is my duty to keep to him, and not to seek no further: but if that pleasure be a thing that makes the time seem short, if it do laughter cause, if it procure the tongue but heartily to say, I thank you, I have no such thing, nor can the godliest woman in the world, against her nature please her sense, or soul, she may say, this I will, or this I will not. But what shall she reap hereby? comfort in another world, if she will stay till then.  Enter her husband behind her. Lab. 
Yea marry sir now I must look about, now if her desolate prover come again, shall I admit him to make farther trial? I'll have a Dialogue between myself and manly reason: to that special end reason, shall I endure a desolate man to come and court my wife, and prove her constancy: reason, to court and prove her you may bear my lord, for perfit things are not the worse for trial; gold will not turn to dross for deepest trial: before God a comfortable saying; thanks gentle reason, I'll trouble you no more. God save sweet wife, look up, thy tempter comes.  Flo. 
Let him my lord, I hope I am more blessed than to relent in thought of lewd suggestion.  Lab. 
But if by frailty you should yield in thought, what will you do?  Flo. 
Then shall you keep me close, and never let me see man but yourself, if not, then boldly may I go abroad.  Lab. 
But how, shall I know whether you yield, or no?  Flo. 
Hear us yourself, my lord.  Lab. 
Tut, that were gross, for no woman will yield in her husbands hearing.  Flo. 
Then to assure you if I yield or no, mark but these signs: as he is proving me, if I do yield, you shall perceive my face blush and look pale, and put on heavy looks. If I resist I will triumph, and smile, and when I hold but up my finger, stop his vain lips, or thrust him on the breast, then is he overthrown both horse and foot.  Lab. 
Why, this doth satisfy me mightily: see he is come.  Lem. 
Honour to my good lord, and his fair young lady.  Lab. 
Now Monsieur Sathan, you are come to tempt and prove at full the spirit of my wife.  Lem. 
I am my lord, but vainly I suppose.  Lab. 
You see she dares put on this brave attire fit with the fashion, which you think serves much to lead a woman into light desires.  Lem. 
My lord I see it: and the sight thereof doth half dismay me to make further proof.  Lab. 
Nay prove her, prove her sir, and spare not: what doth the witty minion of our King think any dame in France will say him nay? but prove her, prove her, see and spare not.  Lem. 
Well sir, though half discouraged in my coming, yet I'll go forward: lady, by your leave.  Flo. 
Now sir, your cunning in a ladies proof.  Lem. 
Madam, in proving you I find no proof against your piercing glancings, but swear I am shot thorough with your love.  Flo. 
I do believe you: who will swear he loves, to get the thing he loves not? if he love, what needs more perfit trial?  Lem. 
Most true rare lady.  Flo. 
Then are we fitly met, I love you too.  Lem. 
Exceeding excellent.  Flo. 
Nay, I know you will applaud me in this course, but to let common circumstances pass, let us be familiar.  Lem. 
Dear life, you ravish my conceit with joy.  Lab. 
I long to see the signs that she will make.  Flo. 
I told my husband I would make these signs: if I resisted, first hold up my finger, as if I said, i'faith sir you are gone, but it shall say, i'fath sir, we are one.  Lab. 
Now she triumphs, and points to heaven I warrant you.  Flo. 
Then must I seem as if I would hear no moret and stop your vain lips, go cruel lips, you have bewitched me, go.  Lab. 
Now she stops in his scorned words, and rates him for his pains.  Flo. 
And when I thrust you thus against the breast, then are you overthrown both horse and foot.  Lab. 
Now is he overthrown both horse and foot.  Flo. 
Away vain man, have I not answered you?  Lem. 
Madam, I yield and swear, I never saw so constant, nor so virtuous a lady.  Lab. 
Now speak I pray, and speak but truly, have you not got a wrong sow by the ear?  Lem. 
My lord, my labour is not altogether lost, for now I find that which I never thought.  Lab. 
A sirrah, is the edge of your steel wit rebated then against her Adamant?  Lem. 
It is my Lord, yet one word more fair lady.  Lab. 
fain would he have it do, and it will not be: hark you wife, what sign will you make me now if you relent not?  Flo. 
Lend him my handkercher to wipe his lips of their last disgrace.  Lab. 
Excellent good, go forward, see I pray.  Flo. 
another sign i'faith, love is required.  Lem. 
Let him have signs enough, my heavenly love, then know there is a private meeting this day at Verone's ordinary, where if you will do me the grace to come, and bring the beauteous Martia with you, I will provide a fair and private room, where you shall be unseen of any man, only of me, and of the King himself, whom I will cause to honour your repair with his high presence, and there with Music and quick revelings you may revive your spirits so long time dulled.  Flo. 
I'll send for Martia then, and meet you there, and tell my husband, I will lock myself in my choice walk till suppertime: we pray sir, wipe your lips of the disgrace they took in their last labour.  Lem. 
marry the devil was never so despited.  Lab. 
Nay stay, see.  Lem. 
No, no, my L, you have the constantest wife that ever: well, I'll say no more.  Exit. Lab. 
Never was minion so disminioned, come constancy, come my girl, I'll leave thee lose to twenty of them i'faith. 
Then he sighs.   Flo. 
Come my good head, come.  Exit. Enter the King and all the lords, with the Trumpets. King. 
Why sound these Trumpets in the devils name.  C. 
To show the King comes.  King. 
To show the King comes? Go hang the Trumpeters, they mock me boldly, and every other thing that makes me known, not telling what I am, but what I seem, a King of clouts, a scarecrow, full of cobwebs, spiders and earwigs, that sets jackdaws long tongue in my bosom, and upon my head, and such are all the affections of love swarming in me, without command or reason.  Lem. 
how now my liege! what quagmired in Philosophy, bound with loves whipcord, and quite robbed of reason: and I'll give you a receit for this presently.  King. 
Peace Lemot, they say the young lord Dowseger is rarely learned, and nothing lunatic as men suppose, but hateth company, and worldly trash, the judgement and the just contempt of them, have in reason arguments that break affection (as the most sacred Poets write) and still the roughest wind: and his rare humour come we now to hear.  Lem. 
Yea, but hark you my hege, I'll tell you a better humour than that, here presently will be your fair love Martia, to see his humour, and from thence fair cOUNTESS Florula, & she will go unto Verone's ordinary, where none but you and I, and Count Moren, will be most merry.  King. 
Why Count Moren I hope dares not adventure into any woman's company, but his wives.  Lem. 
Yes, as I will work, my liege, and then let me alone to keep him there till his wife comes.  King. 
That will be royal sport: see where all comes: welcome fair lords and ladies.  Enter Labervele, Labesha, and all the rest. Lab. 
My liege you are welcome to my poor house.  Lem. 
I pray, my liege know this Gentleman especially, he is a Gentleman borne I can tell you.  King. 
With all my heart: what might I call your name?  Lab. 
Monsieur Labesha, siniora defoulasa.  Ki. Defoulasa. 
an ill sounding barendry of my word: but to the purpose, lord Labervele, we are come to see the humour of your rare son, which by some means I pray let us partake.  La. 
Your highness shall too unworthily partake the sight which I with grief and tears daily behold, seeing in him the end of my poor house.  King. 
You know not that (my lord) your wife is young, and he perhaps hereafter may be moved to more society.  La. 
Would to God he would, that we might do to your crown of France, more worthy and more acceptable service.  King. 
Thanks good my lord, see where he appears.  Enter Lauele with a picture, and a pair of large hose, and a codpiece, and a sword. K. 
Say Lavel, where is your friend the young lord Dowsecer?  La. 
I look my liege he will be here anon, but then I must entreat your Majesty and all the rest, to stand unseen, for he as yet will brook no company.  King. 
We will stand close Lavele, but wherefore bring you this apparel, that picture, and that sword?  Lau. 
To put him by the sight of them in mind of their brave states that use them, or that at the least of the true use they should be put unto.  King. 
Indeed the sense doth still stir up the soul, and though these objects do not work, yet it is very probable in time she may, at least, we shall discern his humour of them.  Lem. 
See where he comes contemplating, stand close.  Enter Dowsecer. 
Quid Dei potes videri magnum in rebus humanis quae aeterni omnes to thy ●sque notas sic omnibus magna tutor, what can seem strange to him on earthly things to whom the whole course of eternity, and the round compass of the world is known? a speech divine, but yet I marvel much how it should spring from thee, mark Cicero that sold for glory the sweet piece of life, & make a torment of rich nature's work, wearing thyself by watchful candle light, when all the Smiths & Weavers were at rest, and yet was gallant ere the day bird sung to have a troup of clients at thy gates, armed with religious supplications, such as would make stern Minos laugh to read: look on our lawyers bills, not one contains untrue or honest drifts; but he cares, he cares, he cares; for acorns now are in request, but the oaks poor fruit did nourish men, men were li cokes of body, tough, and strong men were like Giants then, but Pigmies now, yet full of villainies as their skin can hold.  Le. 
How like you this humour my liege?  King. 
This is no humour, this is but perfect judgement.  Coun. 
Is this a frenzy?  Mar. 
O were all men such, men were no men but gods: this earth a heaven.  Do. 
See see the shameless world, that dares present her mortal enemy with these gross ensigns of her lenity iron and steel, uncharitable stuff, good spittle-sounders, enemies to whole skins, as if there were not ways enough to die by natural and casual accidents, diseases, surfeits, brave carouses, old aquavitae, and too base wives, and thousands more hence with this art of murder. But here is goodly gear, the soul of man, for 'tis his better part, take away this, and take away their merits, and their spirits, scarce dare they come in any public view, without this countenance giver, and some dares not come, because they have it too, for they may sing, in written books they find it, what is it then the fashion, or the cost, the cost doth match, but yet the fashion more, for let it be but mean, so in the fashion, & 'tis most gentleman like, is it so? make a hand in the margin, and burn the book, a large house and a codpiece makes a man a codpiece, nay indeed but house must down: well for your gentle forgers of men, and for you come to rest me into fashion, I'll wear you thus, and sit upon the matter.  La. 
And he doth despise our purposes.  Ca. 
Bear with him yet my Lord, he is not resolved.  La. 
I would not have my friend mock worthy men, for the vain pride of some that are not so.  Dow. 
I do not here deride difference of states, no not in show, but wish that such as want show might not be scorned with ignorant Turkish pride, being pompous in apparel, and in mind: nor would I have with imitated shapes men make their native land, the land of apes, living like strangers when they be at home, and so perhaps bear strange hearts to their home, nor lose a snuff like a pianet's tail, for nothing but their tails and formal locks, when like to cream bouls all their virtues swim in their set faces, all their in parts then fit to serve peasants or make curds for daws: but what a stock am I thus to neglect this figure of man's comfort this rare piece?  La. 
heavens grant that make him more human, and sociable.  King. 
Nay he's more human than all we are.  La. 
I fear he will be too sharp to that sweet sex.  Dow. 
She is very fair, I think that she be painted; and if she be sir, she might ask of me, how many is there of our sex that are not? 'tis a sharp question: marry and I think they have small▪ skill, if they were all of painting 'twere safer dealing with them, and indeed were their minds strong enough to guide their bodies, their beauteous deeds should match with their heavenly looks, 'twere necessary they should wear them, and would they vouchsafe it, even I would joy in their society.  Ma. 
And who would not die with such a man?  Dow. 
But to admire them as our gallants do, O what an eye she hath, O dainty hand, rare foot and leg, and leave the mind respectless, this is a plague, that in both men and women make such pollution of our earthly being: well I will practise yet to court this piece.  La. 
O happy man, now have I hope in her.  King. 
methinks I could endure him days and nights.  Dow. 
Well sir, now thus must I do sir, ere it come to women; now sir a plague upon it, 'tis so ridiculous I can no further: what poor ass was it that set this in my way? now if my father should be the man: Gods precious coals 'tis he.  Lab. 
Good son go forward in this gentle humour, observe this picture, it presents a maid of noble birth and excellent of parts, whom for our house and honour sake, I wish thou wouldst confess to marry.  Dow. 
To marry father? why we shall have children.  La. 
Why that's the end of marriage, and the joy of men.  Do. 
O how You are deceived, you have but me, & what a trouble am I to your joy? but father, if you long to have some fruit of me, see father I will creep into this stubborn earth and mix my flesh with it, and they shall breed grass, to fat oxen, asses and such like, and when they in the grass the spring converts into beast's nourishment, then comes the fruit of this my body forth; then may you well say, seeing my race is so profitably increased, that good fat ox, and that same large eared ass are my son sons, that calf with a white face is his fair daughter, with which, when your fields are richly filled, then will my race content you, but for the joys of children, tush 'tis gone, children will not deserve, nor parents take it: wealth is the only father & the child, and but in wealth no man hath any joy.  La. 
Some course dear son take for thy honour's sake.  Dow. 
Then father here's a most excellent course.  La. 
This is some comfort yet.  Dow. 
If you will straight be gone and leave me here, I'll stand as quietly as any lamb, and trouble none of you  La. 
An hapless man.  Le. 
How like you this humour yet my liege?  King. 
As of a holy fury, not a frenzy.  Mor. 
See see my liege, he hath seen us sure.  King. 
Nay look how he views Martia and makes him fine.  Lem. 
Yea my liege, and she as I hope well observed, hath uttered many kind conceits of hers.  King. 
Well I'll be gone, and when she comes to Verone's ordinary, I'll have her taken to my custody.  Lem, 
I'll stay my liege, and see the event of this.  King. 
Do so Lemot.  Exit the king. Dow. 
What have I seen? how am I burnt to dust with a new Sun, and made a novel Phoenix, is she a woman that objects this sight, able to work the chaos of the world into gestion? O divine aspect, the excellent disposer of the mind shines in thy beauty, and thou hast not changed my soul to sense but sense unto my soul, and I desire thy pure society, but even as angels do, to angels fly.  Exit. Mar. 
Fly soul and follow him.  Lab. 
I marvel much at my sons sudden strange behaviour.  Lem. 
Bear with him yet my Lord, 'tis but his humour: come, what shall we go to Verone's ordinary?  Lab. 
Yea for God's sake, for I am passing hungry.  Mor. 
Yea, come Monsieur Lemot, will you walk?  Count. 
What, will you go?  Mor. 
Yea sweet bird, I have promised so.  Count. 
Go to, you shall not go and leave me alone.  Mor. 
For one meal gentle bird: Veron invites us to buy some jewels he hath brought of late from italy: I'll buy the best, and bring it thee, so thou wilt let me go.  Count. 
Well said flattering Fabian, but tell me then what ladies will be there?  Mor. 
Ladies? why none.  Lem. 
No ladies use to come to ordinaries. Madam.  Count. 
Go to bird, tell me now the very truth.  Mor. 
None of mine honour bird, you never heard that ladies came to ordinaries.  Count 
O that's because I should not go with you.  Mar. 
Why 'tis not fit you should.  Cou. 
Well hark you bird, of my word you shall not go, unless you will swear to me, you will neither court nor kiss a dame in any sort, till you come home again.  Mar. 
Why I swear I will not.  Count. 
Go to, by this kiss.  Mar. 
Yea, by this kiss.  Foies. 
Martia, learn by this when you are a wife.  Lab. 
I like the kissing well.  Flo. 
My lord I'll leave you, your son Dowsecer hath made me melancholy with his humour, and I'll go lock myself in my close walk till supper time.  Lab. 
What, and not dine today?  Flo. 
No my good head: come Martia, you and I will fast together.  Mar. 
With all my heart Madam.  Exit. Lab. 
Well Gentlemen I'll go see my son.  Exit. Foy. 
by’r lady Gentlemen I'll go home to dinner.  Labe. 
Home to dinner? birlord but you shall not, you shall go with us to the ordinary, where you shall meet Gentlemen of so good carriage, and passing compliments, it will do your heart good to see them, why you never saw the best sort of Gentlemen if not at ordinaries.  Foy. 
I promise you that's rare, my lord, and Monsieur Lemot, I'll meet you there presently.  Lem. 
we'll expect your coming.  Exeunt all. Enter Uerone with his Napkin upon his shoulder, and his man jaques with another, and his son bringing in cloth and napkins. Uer. 
Come on my masters, shadow these tables with their white veils, accomplish the court Cupboard, wait diligently today for my credit and your own, that if the meat should chance to be raw, yet your behaviours being neither rude nor raw, may excuse it, or if the meat should chance to be tough, be you tender over them in your attendance, that the one may bear with the other.  Iaq. 
Faith some of them be so hard to please, finding fault with your cheer, and discommending your wine, saying, they fare better at Verones for half the money.  Boy. 
Besides, if there be any cheboules in your napkins, they say your nose or ours have dropped on them, and then they throw them about the house.  Uer. 
But these be small faults, you may bear with the, young Gentlemen and wild heads will be doing.  Enter the Maid. Maid. 
Come, whose wit was it to cover in this room, name in the of God I trowee.  Boy. 
Why I hope this room is as fair as the other.  Maid. 
In your foolish opinion: you might have told a wise body so, and kept yourself a fool still.  Boy. 
I cry you mercy, how bitter you are in your proverbs.  Maid. 
So bitter I am sir.  Uer. 
O sweet Sateena I dare not say I love thee.  Iaq. 
Must you control us you proud baggage you?  Maid. 
Baggage? you are a knave to call me baggage.  Iaq. 
A knave? my master shall know that.  Ver. 
I will not see them.  Iaq. 
Master, here is your Maid uses herself so saucily, that one house shall not hold us two long, God willing.  Uer. 
Come hither housewife. Pardon me sweet jacenan, I must make an angry face outwardly, though I smile inwardly.  Maid. 
Say what you will to me sir.  Ver. 
O you are a fine Gossip, can I not keep honest servants in my house, but you must control them? you must be their mistress.  Maid. 
Why I did but take up the cloth, because my mistress would have the dinner in another room, and he called me baggage.  Iaq. 
You called me knave and fool, I thank you small bones.  Ma. 
Go to, go to, she were wise enough would talk with you.  Boy. 
Go thy ways for the proudest harlotry that ever came in our house.  Ver. 
Let her alone boy, I have scold her I warrant thee, she shall not be my maid long, if I can help it.  Boy. 
No, I think so sir, but what, shall I take up the cloth?  Ue. 
No, let the cloth lie, hither they'll come first, I am sure of it, then If they will dine in the other room, they shall.  Enter Rol. Ro. 
Good morrow my host, is nobody come yet?  Ue. 
Your worship is the first sir.  Ro. 
I was invited by my cozen Colinet, to see your jewels.  Ve. 
I thank his worship and yours.  Ro. 
Here's a pretty place for an ordinary, I am very sorry I have not used to come to ordinaries.  Ve. 
I hope we shall have your company hereafter.  Ro. 
You are very like so.  Enter Berger. Ber. 
Good morrow my host, good morrow good Monsieur roll.  Ro. 
Good morrow to you sir,  Ber. 
What are we two the first? give's the cards, here come, this gentleman and I will go to cards while dinner be ready.  Ro. 
No truly I cannot play at cards.  Ber. 
How! not play, O for shame say not so, how can a young gentleman spend his time but in play, and in courting his Mistress: come use this, least youth take too much of the other.  Ro. 
Faith I cannot play, and yet I care not so much to venture two or three crowns with you.  Ber. 
O I thought what I should find of you, I pray God I have not met with my match.  Ro. 
No trust me sir, I cannot play.  Ber. 
Hark you my host, have you a pipe of good Tobacco?  Ue. 
The best in the town: boy dry a leaf.  Boy. 
There's none in the house sir.  Ve. 
Dry a dock leaf.  Be. 
My host, do you know Monsieur Blanuel?  Ue. 
Yea passing well sir.  Be. 
Why, he was taken learning tricks at old Lucila's house the muster mistress of all the smocktearers in Paris, and both the bawd and the pander were carried to the dungeon.  Ve. 
There was dungeon upon dungeon, but call you her the muster-mistress of all the smocktearers in Paris?  Be. 
Yea, for she hath them all trained up afore her.  Enter Blanuel. Bla. 
Good morrow my host, good morrow gentlemen all.  Ue. 
Good morrow Monsieur Blanuel, I am glad of your quick delivery.  Bla. 
Delivery, what didst thou think I was with child?  Ve. 
Yea of a dungeon.  Bla. 
Why, how knew you that?  Ro. 
Why Berger told us.  Bla. 
Berger who told you of it?  Be. 
One that I heard, by the lord.  Bla 
O excellent, you are still playing the wag.  Enter Lemot and Moren. Le 
Good morrow Gentlemen all, good morrow good Monsieur roll.  Ro. 
At your service.  Le. 
I pray my lord look what a pretty falling band he hath, 'tis pretty fantastical, as I have seen made, with good judgement, great show, and but little cost.  Moren. 
And so it is I promise you, who made it I pray?  Row 
I know not i'faith, I bought it by chance.  Le. 
It is a very pretty one, make much of it.  Enter Catalian sweating. Ca. 
Boy, I prithee call for a course napkin. Good morrow Gentlemen, I would you had been at the Tennis-court, you should have seen me a beat Monsieur Besan, and I gave him fifteen and all his faults.  Le. 
Thou didst more for him, then ever God will do for thee.  Ca. 
jaques, I prithee fill me a cup of canary, three parts water  Le. 
You shall have all water and if it please you.  Enter Maid. Ma. 
Who called for a course napkin?  Ca. 
Marry I, sweet heart, do you take the pains to bring it yourself, have at you by my host's leave.  Ma. 
Away sir, fie for shame.  Ca. 
Hark you my host, you must marry this young wench, you do her mighty wrong else.  Ver. 
O sir, you are a merry man.  Enter Foyes and Labesha. Foy. 
Good morrow gentlemen, you see I am as good as my word.  Mo. 
You are sir, and I am very glad of it.  Le 
You are welcome Monsieur Foyes: but you are not, no not you.  Be. 
No, welcome that Gentleman, 'tis no matter for me.  Le. 
How sir? no matter to you, by this rush I am angry with you, as if all our loves protested unto you were dissembled, no matter for you?  Bo. 
Nay sweet Lemot be not angry, I did but jest, as I am a Gentleman.  Lem. 
Yea but there's a difference of jesting, you wrong all our affections in so doing.  Be. 
Faith and troth I did not, and I hope sirs you take it not so.  All. 
No matter for me, 'twas very unkindly said, I must needs say so.  La. 
You see how they love me.  Foy. 
I do sir, and I am very glad of it.  Be, 
And I hope Lemot, you are not angry with me still.  Le. 
No faith, I am not so very a fool to be angry with one that cares not for me.  Be. 
Do not I care for you? nay then.  Ca. 
What, dost thou cry?  Be. 
Nay I do not cry, but my stomach waters to think that you should take it so heavily, if I do not wish that I were cut into three pieces, and that these pieces were turned into three black puddings, and that these three black puddings were turned into three of the fairest Ladies in the land for your sake, I would I were hanged, what a devil can you have more than my poor heart?  Ca. 
Well hark you Lemot, in good faith you are too blame to put him to this unkindness, I prithee be friends with him.  Le. 
Well, I am content to put up this unkindness for this once, but while you live take heed of: no matter for me.  Be. 
Why is it such a heinous word?  Le. 
O the heinousest word in the world.  Be. 
Well, I'll never speak it more, as I am a gentleman.  Le. 
No I pray do not.  Foy. 
My lord, will your lordship go to cards?  Lor. 
Yea with you Monsieur Foyes.  Ro. 
Lemot, will you play?  Le. 
Pardon good Monsieur roll, if I had any disposition to gaming your company should draw me before any man's here.  Foy. 
Labesha, what will you play?  Lab. 
Play, yea with all my heart, I pray lend me three pence.  Row 
I'll play no more.  Cat. 
Why, have you won or lost?  Row. 
Faith I have lost two or three crowns.  Cat. 
Well to him again, I'll be your half.  Lem. 
Sirrah, Catalian, while they are playing at cards, thou and I will have some excellent sport: sirrah, dost thou know that same Gentleman there?  Cat. 
No i'faith, what is he?  Lem. 
A very fine gull, and a neat reveler, one that's heir to a great living, yet his father keeps him so short, that his shirts will scant cover the bottom of his belly, for all his gay outside, but the linings be very foul and sweaty, yea and perhaps lousy, with despising the vain shifts of the world.  Cat. 
But he hath gotten good store of money now methinks.  Lem. 
Yea, and I wonder of it, some ancient serving man of his fathers, that hath gotten four shillings in fifty years upon his great good husbandry, he swearing monstrous oaths to pay him again, and beside to do him a good turn (when God shall hear his prayer for his father) hath lent it him I warrant you, but howsoever, we must speak him fair.  Cat. 
O what else!   
L●…▪ God save sweet Monsieur Rowls, what loose or win, loose or win?  Row. 
Faith sir save myself, and lose my money.  Lem. 
There's a proverb hit dead in the neck like a coney, why hark thee Catalian, I could have told thee before what he would have said.  Cat. 
I do not think so.  Lem. 
No, thou seest here's a fine plump of gallants, such as think their wits singular, and their selves rarely accomplished, yet to show thee how brittle their wits be, I will speak to them severally, and I will tell thee before what they shall answer me.  Cat. 
That's excellent, let's see that i'faith.  Lem. 
Whatsoever I say to Monsieur Rowlee, he shall say, O sir, you may see an ill weed grows apace.  Cat. 
Come, let's see.  Lem. 
Now Monsieur Rowlee, methinks you are exceedingly grown since your coming to Paris.  Row. 
O sir, you may see an ill weed grows apace.  Cat. 
This is excellent, forward sir I pray.  Lem. 
What soe'ere I say to Labesha, he shall answer me, black will be no other hue, and that same old justice, as greedy of a stale proverb, he shall come in the neck of that and say, Black is a pearl in a woman's eye.  Cat. 
Yea, much i'fath.  Lem. 
Look thee, here comes hither Labesha, Catalian. and I have been talking of thy complexion, and I say that all the fair ladies in France would have been in love with thee, but that thou art so black.  Labe. 
O sir black will bear no other hue.  Foy. 
O sir black is a pearl in a woman's eye.  Lem. 
You say true sir, you say true sir, sirrah Catalian, whatsoe'er I say to Berger that is so busy at Cards, he shall answer me, 'sblood, I do not mean to die as long as I can see one alive.  Cat. 
Come let us see you.  Lem. 
Why Berger, I thought thou hadst been dead, I have not heard thee chide all this while.  Ber. 
'sblood, I do not mean to die, as long as I can see one alive.  Cat. 
Why but hark you Lemot, I hope you cannot make this lord answer so roundly.  Lem. 
O, as right as any of them all, and he shall answer me with an old Latin Proverb, that is, usus promptos facit.  Cat. 
Once more let's see.  Lem. 
My lord, your lordship could not play at this game very lately, and now methinks you are grown exceeding perfit.  Mor. 
O sir, you may see, usus promptos facit.  Enter jaques. Iaq. 
Monsieur Lemot, here is a Gentleman and two Gentlewomen do desire to speak with you.  L●. 
What are they come? Yes, convey them into the inward Parlour by the inward room, and there is a brace of Crowns for thy labour, but let nobody know of their being here.  Iaq. 
I warrant you sir.  Lem. 
See where they come: welcome my good lord and ladies, I'll come to you presently: so, now the sport begins, I shall start the disguised King plaguily, nay I shall put the lady that loves me in a monstrous fright, when her husband comes and finds her here.  Boy. 
The Gentleman, and the two Gentlewomen desires your company.  Lem. 
I'll come to them presently.  Foy. 
Gentlemen, I'll go speak with one, and come to 
The boy speaks in Foies his ear  you presently.  Lem. 
My lord, I would speak a word with your lordship, if it were not for interrupting your game.  Lord. 
No, I have done Lemot.  Lem. 
My lord there must a couple of ladies dine with us today.  Lord. 
Ladies? God's my life I must be gone.  Lem. 
Why, hark you my Lord, I knew not of their coming I protest to your Lordship, and would you have me turn such fair Ladies as these are away?  Lord 
Yea but hark you Lemot, did not you hear me swear to my Wife, that I would not tarry, if there were any women, I wonder you would suffer any to come there.  Lem. 
Why you swore but by a kiss, and kisses are no holy things, you know that.  Lord. 
Why but hark you Lemot, indeed I would be very loath to do any thing, that if my wife should know it, should displease her.  Le. 
Nay then you are too obsequious, hark you, let me entreat you, and I'll tell you in secret, you shall have no worse company than the Kings.  Lord. 
Why will the King be there?  Lem. 
Yea, though disguised.  Lord. 
Who are the ladies?  Lem. 
The flowers of Paris, I can tell you, fair countess Florila, and the lady Martia.  Enter Jaque. Iaq. 
Monsieur Lemot, the gentleman and the two Gentlewomen desire your company.  Lem. 
I'll come to them straight: but Iaques come hither I prithee, go to Labesha, and tell him that the Countess Florila, and the lady Martia be here at thy masters house: and if it come in question hereafter, deny that thou told him any such thing.  Iaq. 
What, is this all? 'sblood I'll deny it, and fear it too.  Lem. 
My Lord, I'll go and see the room be neat and fine, and come to you presently.  Lord. 
Yea but hark you Lemot, I prithee take such order that they be not known of any women in the house.  Lem. 
O how should they now to his wife go i'faith!  Exit. Iaq. 
Hark you, Monsieur Labesha, I pray let me speak a word with you.  Labe. 
With all my heart, I pray look to my stake, there's three pence under the Candle.  Iaq. 
I pray see, do you know the Countess Florila and the lady Martia?  Lab. 
Do I know the lady Martia? I knew her before she was borne, why do you ask me?  Ia. 
Why, they are both here at my master's house.  Lab. 
What, is Mistress Martia at an ordinary?  Ia. 
Yea that she is.  La. 
By skies and stones I'll go and tell her father.  Exit. Enter Lemot and the Countess. Cou. 
What you are out of breath methinks Monsieur Lemot?  Le 
It is no matter Madam, it is spent in your service, that bear your age with your honesty, better than an hundred of these nice gallants, and indeed it is a shame for your husband, that contrary to his oath made to you before dinner, he should be now at the ordinary with that light housewife Martia, which I could not choose but come and tell you; for indeed it is a shame that your motherly care should be so slightly regarded.  Co. 
Out on thee strumpet and accursed, and miserable dame.  Le. 
Well, there they are: nothing else now, to her husband go I.  Exit. Co. 
Nothing else quoth you, can there be more? O wicked man, would he play false, that would so simply vow, and swear his faith, and would not let me be displeased a minute, but he would sigh, and weep till I were pleased, I have a knife within that's razor sharp, and I will lay an iron in the fire, making it burning hot to mark the strumpet, but 'twill be cold too ere I can come thither, do something wretched woman, stays thou here?  Exit. Enter Lemot. Le. 
My lord, the room is neat and fine, wilt please you go in?  Ue. 
Gentlemen, your dinner is ready.  All. 
And we are ready for it.  Le. 
jaquis, shut the doors let nobody come in.  Exeunt omnes. Enter Labervele, Foyes, Labesha, and the Countess. La. 
Where be these Puritans, these murderers, let me come in here?  Fo. 
Where is the strumpet?  Co. 
where is this harlot, let us come in here.  La. 
What shall we do? the streets do wonder at us, and we do make our shame known to the world, let us go, and complain us to the King.  Fo. 
Come Labesha, will you go?  La. 
No no I scorn to go; no King shall hear my plaint, I will in silent live a man forlorn, mad, and melancholy, as a cat, and never more wear hat band on my hat.  Enter Moren, and Martia. Mo. 
What dost thou mean? thou must not hang on me.  Mar. 
O good lord Moren, have me home with you, you may excuse all to my father for me.  Enter Lemot. Lem. 
O my lord, be not so rude to leave her now.  Lor. 
Alas man, and if my wife should see it, I were undone.  Enter the King and another. Ki. 
Pursue them sirs, and taking Martia from him, convey her presently to Valere's house.  
What villain was it that hath uttered this.  Enter the Puritan to Lemot. Le. 
Why 'twas even I, I thank you for your gentle terms, you give me villain at the first, I wonder where's this old doter, what doth he think we fear him.  Flo. 
O monstrous man, what, wouldst thou have him take us?  Le. 
Would I quoth you, yea by my troth would I, I know he is but gone to call the constable, or to raise the streets.  Flo. 
What means the man trow? is he mad?  Le. 
No, no, I know what I do, I do it of purpose, I long to see him come and rail at you, to call you harlot, and to spurn you too, O you'll love me a great deal the better, and yet let him come, and if he touch but one thread of you, I'll make that thread his poison.  Flo. 
I know not what to say.  Le. 
Speak, do you love me?  Flo. 
Yea surely do I.  Le, 
Why then have not I reason that love you so dearly as I do, to make you hateful in his sight, that I might more freely enjoy you.  Flo. 
Why let us be gone my kind Lemot, and not be wondered at in the open streets.  Le. 
I'll go with you through fire, through death, through hell, come give me your own hand, my own dear heart, this hand that I adore and reverence, and loath to have it, touch an old man's bosom, O let me sweetly kiss it; he bites.  Flo. 
Out on thee wretch, he hath bit me to the bone, O barbarous cannibal, now I perceive thou wilt make me a mocking stock to all the world.  Le. 
Come, come, leave your passions, they cannot move me, my father and my mother died both in a day, and I rung me a peal for them, and they were no sooner brought to the church and laid in their graves, but I fetched me two or three fine capers aloft, and took my leave of them, as men do of their mistresses at the ending of a galliard; Besilos manus.  Flo. 
O brutish nature, how accursed was I ever to endure the sound of this damned voice?  Le. 
Well, and you do not like my humour, I can be but sorry for it, I bit you for good will, and if you accept it, so, if no, go.  Flo. 
Villain, thou didst it in contempt of me.  Le. 
Well, and you take it so, so be it: hark you Madam, your wisest course is, even to become Puritan again, put off this vain attire, and say, I have despised all: thanks my God, good husband, I do love thee in the Lord, and he (good man) will think all this you have done, was but to show thou couldst govern the world, and hide thee as a rainbow doth a storm: my dainty wench, go go, what shall the flattering words of a vain man make you forget your duty to your husband? away, repent, amend your life, you have discredited your religion for ever.  Flo. 
Well wench, for this foul shame thou puttest on me, the curse of all affection light on thee.  Exit. Le. 
Go Abacuck, go, why this is excellent, I shall shortly become a schoolmaster, to whom men will put their wives, to practise; well now will I go set the Queen upon the King, and tell her where he is close with his wench: and he that mends my humour, take the spurs: sit fast, for by heaven, i'll jerk the horse you ride on.  Enter my host, Catalian, Blanuel, Berger, jaquis, Maid, and Boy. Host. 
Well Gentlemen, I am utterly undone without your good helps, it is reported that I received certain ladies or gentlewomen into my house: no here's my man, my maid, and my boy, now if you saw any, speak boldly before these Gentlemen.  Ia. 
I saw none sir.  Boy. 
Nor I, by my maidenhead.  Boy. 
Nor I, as I am a man.  Ca. 
Well my host, we'll go answer for your house at this time, but if at other times you have had wenches, and would not let us know it, we are the less beholding to you.  Exeunt all, but my host and the Gentleman. Ber. 
Peradventure the more beholding to him, but I lay my life Lemot hath devised some jest, he gave us the slip before dinner.  Cat. 
Well Gentlemen, since we are so fitly met, I'll tell you an excellent subject for a fit of mirth, and if it be well handled.  Ber. 
Why, what is it?  Cat. 
Why man, Labesha is grown marvelous malcontent, upon some amorous disposition of his mistress, and you know he loves a mess of cream, and a spice-cake with his heart, and I am sure he hath not dined today, and he hath taken on him the humour of the young lord Dowsecer, and we will set a mess of cream, a spice-cake, and a spoon, as the armour, picture, and apparel was set in the way of Dowsecer, which I doubt not but will work a rare cure upon his melancholy.  Host. 
Why, this is excellent, I'll go fetch the cream.  Cat. 
And I the cake.  Ber. 
And I the spoon.  Exeunt, and come in again. Cat. 
See where he comes as like the lord Dowsecer as may be, now you shall hear him begin with some Latin sentence that he hath remembered ever since he read his Accidence.  Enter Labesha. La. 
Felix quem faciunt aliena pericula cantum. O silly state of things, for things they be that cause this silly state: and 
He spies the cream.  what is a thing, a babble, a toy, that stands men in small stead: but what have we here? what vanities have we here?  Host. 
He is strongly tempted, the lord strengthen him, see what a vain he hath.  Lab. 
O cruel fortune, and dost thou spit thy spite at my poor life: but O sour cream what thinkest thou that I love thee still? no, no, fair and sweet is my mistress, if thou hadst strawberries and sugar in thee: but it may be thou art set with stale cake to choke me: well taste it, and try it, spoonful by spoonful: bitterer and bitterer still, but O sour cream, wert thou an Onion, since Fortune set thee for me, I will eat thee, and I will devour thee in spite of Fortune's spite, choke I, or burst I, mistress for thy sake, to end my life eat I this cream and cake.  Cat. 
So he hath done, his Melancholy is well eased I warrant you.  Host. 
God's my life Gentlemen, who hath been at this cream?  Lab. 
Cream, had you cream? where is your cream? I'll spend my penny at your cream.  Cat. 
Why, did not you eat this cream?  Lab. 
Talk not to me of cream, for such vain meat I do despise as food, my stomach dies drowned in the cream bouls of my mistress eyes.  Cat. 
Nay-stay Labesha.  Lab. 
No not I, not I.  Host. 
O he is ashamed i'fath: but I will tell thee how thou shalt make him mad indeed, say his mistress for love of him hath drowned herself.  Cat. 
'sblood, that will make him hang himself.  Exeunt omnes. Enter the Queen, Lemot, and all the rest of the lords, and the Countess: Lemot's arm in a scarf. Lemot. 
have at them i'fath with a lame counterfeit humour: ache on rude arm, I care not for thy pain, I got it nobly in the king's defence, and in the guardiance of my fair queen's right.  Qu. 
O tell me sweet Lemot, how fares the king? or what his right was that thou didst defend?  Lem. 
That you shall know when other things are told.  Lab. 
Keep not the Queen too long without her longing.  Foyes. 
No, for I tell you it is a dangerous thing.  Coun. 
Little care cruel men how women long.  Le. 
What would you have me then put poison in my breath, and burn the ears of my attentive Queen.  Quee. 
Tell me whate'er it be, I'll bear it all.  Lem. 
bear with my rudeness then in telling it, for alas you see I can but act it with the left hand, this is my gesture now.  Quee. 
'tis well enough.  Lem. 
Yea well enough you say, this recompense have I for all my wounds: then thus the King enamoured of another lady compares your face to hers, and says that yours is fat and flat, and that your neither lip was passing big.  Quee. 
O wicked man, doth he so suddenly condemn my beauty, that when he married me he thought divine: for ever blasted be that strumpet's face, as all my hopes are blasted, that did change them.  Lem. 
Nay Madam, though he said your face was fat, and flat, and so forth, yet he liked it best, and said, a perfect beauty should be so.  La. 
O did he so! why that was right even as it should be.  Foy. 
You see now Madam, how much too hasty you were in your griefs.  Que. 
If he did so esteem of me indeed, happy am I.  Coun. 
So may your highness be that hath so good a husband, but hell hath no plague to such an one as I.  Lem. 
Indeed Madam, you have a bad husband: truly then did the king grow mightily in love with the other lady, and swore, no king could more enriched be, than to enjoy so fair a dame as she.  Cat. 
O monstrous man, and accursed most miserable dame!  Le. 
But says the king I do enjoy as fair, & though I love in all honoured sort, yet I'll not wrong my wife for all the world  Foy. 
This proves his constancy as firm as brass.  Que. 
It doth, it doth: O pardon me my lord, that I mistake thy royal meaning so.  Count 
In heaven your highness lives, but I in hell.  Lem. 
But when he viewed her radiant eyes again, blind was he strooken with her fervent beams: and now good King he gropes about in corners void of the cheerful light should guide us all.  Que. 
O dismal news, what is my sovereign blind?  Le. 
Blind as a Beetle madam, that a while hovering aloft, at last in cowshed's fall.  Lab. 
Could her eyes blind him?  Lem. 
Eyes or what it was I know not, but blind I am sure he is as any stone.  Q. 
Come bring me to my Prince my lord that I may lead him, none alive but I may have the honour to direct his feet.  Lem. 
How lead him madam? why he can go as right as you, or any here, and is not blind of eyesight.  Quee. 
Of what then?  Lem. 
Of reason.  Quee. 
Why thou saidst he wanted his cheerful light.  Lem. 
Of reason still I meant, whose light you know should cheerfully guide a worthy King, for he doth love her, and hath forced her into a private room where now they are.  Quee. 
What mocking changes is there in thy words fond man, thou murderest me with these exclaims.  Lem. 
Why madam 'tis your fault, you cut me off before my words be half done.  Quee. 
Forth and unlade the poison of thy tongue.  Lem. 
Another lord did love this curious lady, who hearing that the King had forced her, as she was walking with another Earl, ran straightways mad for her, and with a friend of his, and two or three black ruffians more, broke desperately upon the person of the King, swearing to take from him, in traitorous fashion, the instrument of procreation: with them I fought a while, and got this wound, but being unable to resist so many, came straight to you to fetch you to his aid.  Lab. 
Why raised you not the streets?  Lem. 
That I forbore, because I would not have the world, to see what a disgrace my liege was subject to, being with a woman in so mean a house.  Foy. 
Whose daughter was it that he forced I pray?  Lem. 
Your daughter sir.  La. 
Whose son was that ran so mad for her?  Lem. 
Your son my Lord.  La. 
O Gods, and fiends forbid.  Co. 
I pray sir, from whom did he take the Lady?  Le. 
From your good Lord.  Co. 
O Lord I beseech thee no.  Le. 
'tis all too true, come follow the Queen and I, where I shall lead you.  Qu. 
O wretched Queen, what would they take from him?  Le. 
The instrument of procreation.  Enter Moren. Mo. 
Now was there ever man so much accursed, that when his mind misgave him, such a man was hapless, to keep him company? yet who would keep him company but I, O wild Lemot, my wife and I are bound to curse thee while we live, but chiefly I, well: seek her, or seek her not; find her, or find her not, I were as good see how hell opens, as look upon her.  Enter Catalian, and Berger behind him. Ca. 
We have i'faith, stop thou him there, and I will meet him here.  Mo. 
Well, I will venture once to seek her.  Ber. 
God's Lord, my Lord, come you this way, why your wife runs ranging like as if she were mad, swearing to slit your nose if she can catch you.  Exit. Mo. 
What shall I do at the sight of her and hern.  Ca. 
God's precious my Lord, come you this way, your wife comes ranging with a troup of dames, like Bacchus drunken foes, just as you go, shift for yourself my Lord.  Mo. 
Stay good Catalian.  Ca. 
No not I my Lord.  Exit. Mo. 
How now jaques, what's the news?  Enter jaques. Iaq. 
None but good my Lord.  Mo. 
Why hast not seen my wife run round about the streets.  Ia. 
Not I my Lord, I come to you from my master, who would pray you to speak to Lemot, that Lemot might speak to the King, that my master's lottery for his jewels may go forward, he hath made the rarest device that ever you heard, we have fortune in it, and she our maid plays, and I, and my fellow carry two torches, and our boy goes before and speaks a speech, 'tis very fine i'faith sir.  Mo. 
Sirrah in this thou mayest highly pleasure me, let me have thy place to bear a torch, that I may look on my wife, and she not see me, for if I come into her sight abruptly, I were better be hanged.  Ia. 
O sir you shall, or any thing that I can do, I'll send for your wife to.  Mor. 
I prithee do.  Exeunt both. Enter the Queen, and all that were in before. Le. 
This is the house where the mad Lord did vow to do the deed, draw all your swords courageous gentlemen, I'll bring you there where you shall honour win, but I can tell you, you must break your shin.  Ca. 
Who will not break his neck to save his King: set forward Lemot.  Le. 
Yea, much good can I do with a wounded arm, I'll go and call more help.  Qu. 
Others shall go, nay we will raise the streets, better dishonour, then destroy the King.  Le. 
'sblood I know not how to excuse my villainy, I would fain be gone.  Enter Dowsecer, and his friend. Dow. 
I'll geld the adulterous goat, and take from him the instrument, that plays him such sweet music.  La. 
O rare, this makes my fiction true: now i'll stay.  Quee. 
Arrest these faithless traitorous gentlemen.  Dow. 
What is the reason that you call us traitors?  La. 
Nay, why do you attempt such violence against the person of the King?  Dow. 
Against the King, why this is strange to me.  Enter the King, and Martia. Ki. 
How now my masters, what? weapons drawn, come you to murder me.  Qu. 
How fares my Lord?  Ki. 
How fare I? well, but you i'faith shall get me speak for you another time; he got me here to woo a curious Lady, and she tempts him, say what I can, over what state I will in your behalf Lemot, she will not yield.  Le. 
I'faith my liege, what a hard heart hath she, well hark you, I am content your wit shall save your honesty for this once.  Ki. 
Peace, a plague OR you, peace; but wherefore asked you how I did?  queen. 
Because I feared that you were hurt my Lord.  Ki 
Hurt, how I pray?  Lem. 
Why, hurt Madam, I am well again.  Quee. 
Do you ask? why he told me Dowsecer and this his friend, threatened to take away.  Ki. 
To take away, what should they take away.  Le. 
Name it Madam.  Qu. 
Nay, I pray name it you.  Le. 
Why then, thus it was my liege, I told her Dowsecer, and this his friend threatened to take away, and if they could the instrument of procreation, and what was that now, but Martia being a fair woman, is not she the instrument of procreation, as all women are.  Qu. 
O wicked man.  Le. 
Go to, go to, you are one of those fiddles too i'faith.  Ki. 
Well pardon my minion, that hath frayed you thus, 'twas but to make you merry in the end.  Qu. 
I joy it ends so well, my gracious Lord.  Fo. 
But say my gracious Lord, is no harm done, between my loving daughter, and your grace?  Ki. 
No, of my honour and my soul Foyes.  Dow. 
The fire of love which she hath kindled in me being greater than my heat of vanity, hath quite expelled.  Ki 
Come Dowsecer, receive with your lost wits your love, though lost; I know you'll yield, my lord and you her father.  Both 
Most joyfully my Lord.  Ki. 
And for her part I know her disposition well enough.  Lem. 
What, will you have her?  Dow. 
Yea marry will I.  Le. 
I'll go and tell Labesha presently.  Enter jaquis, and my Host. Ia. 
Monsieur I emot, I pray let me speak with you, I come to you from the Lord Moren, who would desire you to speak to the King for my master's lottery, and he hath my place to bear a torch, for bare faced he dares not look upon his wife, for his life.  Le. 
O excellent, I'll further thy master's lottery and it be but for this jest only, hark you my liege, here's the poor man hath been at great charges for the preparation of a lottery, and he hath made the rarest device, that I know you will take great pleasure in it, I pray let him present it before you at Valero's house.  Ki. 
with all my heart, can you be ready so soon?  Host. 
Presently and if it like your grace.  Ki. 
But hark you Lemot, how shall we do for every man's posy.  Le. 
Will you all trust me with the making of them?  All. 
With all our hearts.  Le. 
Why then I'll go to make the poses and bring Iabesha to the lottery presently.  Enter Florila like a Puritan. Flo. 
Surely the world is full of vanity, a woman must take heed she do not hear a lewd man speak, for every woman cannot when she is tempted, when the wicked fiend gets her into his snares escape like me, for grace's measure is not so filled up, nor so priest down in every one as me, but yet I promise you a little more: well, I'll go seek my head, who shall take me in the gates of his kind arms untouched of any.  King. 
What Madam are you so pure now?  Flo. 
Yea, would not you be pure?  King. 
No Puritan.  Flo. 
You must be then a devil. I can tell you.  Lab. 
O wife where hast thou been?  Flo. 
where did I tell you I would be I pray.  Lab. 
In thy close walk thou saidst.  Flo. 
And was 'not?  Lab. 
Truly/ know not, I neither looked nor knocked, for Labesha told me that you, and fair Martia were at Verone's ordinary.  Ki. 
Labesha? my lord you are a wise man to believe a fool.  Flo. 
Well my good head, for my part I forgive you: but surely you do much offend to be suspicious: where there is no trust, there is no love, and where there is no love twixt man and wife, there's no good dealing surely: for as men should ever love their wives, so should they ever trust them, for what love is there where there is no trust?  King. 
She tells you true, my lord.  Lab. 
she doth my liege; and dear wife pardon this and I will never be suspicious more.  Flo. 
Why I say, I do.  Enter Lemot, leading Labesha in a halter. Lem. 
Look you my liege, I have done simple service amongst you, here is one had hanged himself for love, thinking his Mistress had done so for him: well, see your Mistress lives.  Labesh 
And doth my Mistress live?  King. 
she doth, O noble knight, but not your Mistress now.  Lab. 
'sblood, but she shall for me, or for nobody else.  Lem. 
How now, what a traitor, draw upon the King.  Lab. 
Yea, or upon any woman here in a good cause.  King. 
Well sweet Besha let her marry Dowsecer, I'll get thee a wife worth fifteen of her, wilt thou have one that cares not for thee?  Lab. 
Not I by the Lord, I scorn her, I'll have her better if I can get her.  King. 
Why that's well said.  Lem. 
What Madam, are you turned puritan again?  Elo. 
When was I other, pray?  Lem. 
marry I'll tell you when, when you went to the Ordinary, and when you made false signs to your husband, which I could tell him all.  Flo. 
Cursed be he that maketh debate twixt man & wife.  Lem. 
O rare scripturian! you have sealed up my lips, a hall, a hall, the pageant of the Buttery.  Enter two with torches, the one of them Moren, then my host and his son, then his maid dressed like Queen Fortune with two pots in her hands. King. 
What is he?  Lem. 
This is Verone's son, my liege.  King. 
What shall he do?  Cat 
Speak some speech that his father hath made for him  Qu. 
Why is he good at speeches?  Cat. 
O he is rare at speeches.  Boy. 
Fair ladies most tender, and nobles most slender, and gentles whose wits be scarce.  Ki. 
My host, why do you call us nobles most slender?  Host. 
And it shall please your Grace, to be slender is to be proper, and therefore where my boy says nobles most slender, it is as much to say, fine and proper nobles.  Le. 
Yea, but why do you call us gentles whose wits are scarce.  Host. 
To be scarce, is to be rare: and therefore where as he says Gentles whose wits be scarce, is as much as to say, Gentles whose wits be rare.  Lem. 
Well, forwards trunchman.  Boy. 
Fair ladies most tender, and nobles most slender, and gentles whose wits be scarce, Queen Fortune doth come with her trump, and her drum, as it may appear by my voice.  Lab. 
Come hither, are you a schoolmaster, where was Fortune Queen, of what country or kingdom?  Host. 
why sir, Fortune was Queen over all the world.  Lab. 
That's a lie, there's none that ever conquered all the world, but master Alisander, I am sure of that.  Lem. 
O rare Monsieur Labesha, who would have thought he could have found so rare a fault in the speech.  Host. 
I'll alter it if it please your grace.  King. 
No, 'tis very well.  Boy. 
Father I must begin again they interrupt me so.  Ho. 
I beseech your grace give the boy leave to begin again.  King. 
With all my heart, 'tis so good we cannot hear it too oft.  Boy. 
Fair ladies most tender, and nobles most slender, and gentles whose wits are scarce, Queen Fortune doth come with her Fife, and her Drum, as it doth appear by my voice, here is Fortune good, but ill by the rood, and this nought but good shall do you, dealing the lots out of our pots, and so good Fortune to you sir.  Lem. 
Look you my liege, how he that carries the torch trembles extremely.  Kin. 
I warrant 'tis with care to carry his torch well.  Lem. 
Nay there is something else in the wind: why my host what means thy man jaques to tremble so?  Host. 
Hold still thou knave, what art thou afraid to look upon the goodly presence of a king: hold up for shame.  Lem. 
Alas poor man, he thinks 'tis jaques his man: poor lord, how much is he bound to suffer for his wife?  King 
Hark you mine host, what goodly person is that? is it Fortune herself?  Host. 
I'll tell your Majesty in secret who it is, it is my maid jaquena.  King. 
I promise you she becomes her state rarely.  Lem. 
Well my liege, you were all content that I should make your poses: well here they be every one: give Master Verone his five crowns.  King. 
There's mine and the Queens.  Labesh. 
Theirs ours  Dow. 
And there is mine and Martias.  Lem. 
Come Labesha thy money.  Lab 
You must lend me some, for my boy is run away with my purse.  Le. 
Thy boy? I never knew any that thou hadst.  Lab. 
Had not I a boy three or four years ago, and he ran away.  Lem. 
And never since he went thou hadst not a penny, but stand by, I'll excuse you. But sirrah Catalian, thou shalt stand on one side and read the prizes, and I will stand on the other and read the Poses.  Cat. 
Content Lemot.  Lem. 
Come on Queen Fortune, tell everyman 'tis posy, this is orderly, the King and Queen are first.  King. 
Come let us see what goodly poses you have given us.  Lem. 
This is your Majesties, At the fairest, so it be not Martia.  King. 
A plague upon you, you are still playing the villains with me.  Le. 
This is the Queens, Obey the Queen: and she speaks it to her husband, or to Fortune, which she will.  Cat. 
A prize: your majesties is the sum of four shillings in gold  King. 
Why how can that be there is no such coin.  Host. 
Here is the worth of it, if it please your grace.  Quee. 
Well, what's for me?  Ca. 
A heart of gold.  Quee. 
A goodly jewel.  Le. 
Count Labervele and Florila.  La. 
What's my posy sir I pray?  Le. 

marry this my Lord,  
Of all fortunes friends, that hath joy in this life,  
He is most happy that puts a sure trust in his wife.   La. 
A very good one sir, I thank you for it.  Flo. 
What's mine I pray?  Le. 

Mary this Madam,  
Good fortune be thou my good fortune bringer,  
And make me amends for my poor bitten finger.   La. 
Who bit your finger wife?  Flo. 
nobody; 'tis vain posy.  Ca. 
Blank for my lord Labervele, for his wife a posy, a pair of holy beads with a crucifix.  Flo. 
O abomination Idol, I'll none of them.  Ki. 
keep them thyself Veron, she will not have them.  Le. 
Dowsecer and Martia I have fitted your lordship for a posy.  Dow. 
Why what is it?  Le. 
Anno omnia una.  Ma. 
And what is mine sir?  Le. 
A serious one I warrant you change: for the better.  Ma. 
That's not amiss.  Ca. 
A price: Dowsecer hath a cat's eyes or Mercury's rod of gold, set with Jacinths and Emeralds.  Dow 
What is for Martia?  Ca. 
Martia hath the two serpents heads set with Diamonds.  Le. 
What my host Verone?  Ki. 
What? is he in for his own jewels.  Le. 
O what else my liege, 'tis our bounty, and his posy is To tell you the truth in words plain and mild, Veron loves his maid, and she is great with child.  Ki. 
What Queen fortune with child, shall we have young fortunes my host?  Host. 
I am abused, and if it please your majesty.  Maid. 
I'll play no more.  Lem. 
No saith you need not now, you have played your belly full already  Host. 
Stand still good Iaquena, they do but jest.  Maid. 
Yea, but I like no such jesting.  Lem. 
Come great Queen Fortune, let see your posies, what madam, alas, your ladyship is one of the last.  Coun. 
What is my posy sir I pray?  Lem. 
marry Madam your posy is made in manner and form of an Echo, as if you were seeking your husband, and fortune should be the Echo, and this you say: where is my husband his so long unmasked, masked? says the Echo, but in what place sweet Fortune? let me hear: hear says the Echo.  King. 
There you lie Echo, for if he were here we must needs see him.  Lem. 
Indeed sweet King there methinks the Echo must needs lie, if he were here we must needs see him, 'tis one of them that carries the torches: no that cannot be neither, and yet by the Mass here's jaques, why my host, did not you tell me that jaques should be a torchbearer: who is this? God's my life, my lord.  Mor. 
And you be Gentlemen let me go.  Coun. 
Nay come your way, you may be well enough ashamed to show your face that is a perjured wretch, did not you swear, if there were any wenches at the ordinary, you would straight come home.  King. 
Why, who told you Madam, there were any there?  Coun. 
He that will stand to it Lemot my liege.  Lem. 
who I stand to it, alas, I told you in kindness, and good will, because I would not have you company long from your husband.  Mor. 
Why lo you bird, how much you are deceived.  Co. 
Why wherefore were you afraid to be seen?  Mor. 
Who I afraid? alas I bore a torch to grace this honourable presence, for nothing else sweet bird.  King. 
Thanks good Moren, see lady with what wrong you have pursued your most enamoured lord: but come now all are friends, now is this day spent with an hurtful motives of delight, and over joys more my senses at the night: and now for Dowsecer, if all will follow my devise, his beauteous love and he shall married be, and here I solemnly invite you all home to my court, where with feasts we will crown this mirthful day, and vow it to renown.  
FINIS.   

 

   

LONDON  
Printed by Valentine Simmes.  
1599.