WITS fits and Fancies. Fronted and intermeddled with Presidents of Honour and Wisdom.  
Also: LOVES owl. An idle conceited dialogue between Love, and an old man.  
Recta securus. A. C.  
Imprinted at London by Richard johnes, at the sign of the Rose and Crown next above S. Andrew's Church in Holborn. 1595.   

To the Right Honourable, GEORGE, Earl of CUMBERLAND, Baron CLIFFORD: Lord of Westmoreland, Bromfleet, Vipount and Vessa, and of the most honourable order of the Garter Knight: All fortune ever equal to his valorous worth.  
THe multiplicity of my duteous affections towards your Lordship confounds my conceit how to honour you in good sort, still dispurposing my will of all especial intended services, to make me serve you as it were at random. Wherefore, I have now at last condescended to the generalty, and do here present your Lordship these Wits, Fits, and Fancies, a large and universal matter, which were they not fronted and suffused with an honest blush of Honour and Wisdom (your own proper Colours) I would not have adventured in so high a place: And if beside therein be any absurdity escaped, unanswerable to so great worth and Nobleness as is in your L. I hope the generalty of the matter, joint that the Author is a stranger, will, if not privilege such amiss, yet at least wise hold it excused in your favour. It seemeth the Spaniard for his part (for so he was) did not basely conceit this matter, that did dare direct it to so high a State as Don john of Austria, his Liege's brother. But how ere it were blameworthy or innocence in him I reck not, neither yet force I how Don john conceited it, so your Lordship deign it in gree. I did intend it to your late sea-voyage, to the end it might have pleased you to pass away therewith some unpleasant hours. But as it was not ripe enough for that season, so now I pray God it come in due season to your good liking. divers of them are of mine own inserting, & that without any injury I hope to my Author: the which are easily to be discerned from his, for that they taste more Englishlie: Neither have I used his Method therein, but have set down one of mine own, which I take to be better: Which both method and matter, if I shall once perceive your L. to deign it in your favour, I will not fear that any Gentleman will easily disgrace it, to whom next under your Lordship, I wish it currant and well accepted: For such (I know) is generally their devotions to your worth, that whatsoever matter, (all were it guilt itself) that is once refuged to your virtues shrine and Sanctuary, they will not rashly ravish it to arraignment, and public shame.  
As for my loves Owl in the latter end, the truth is, I can pretend it no outlandish privilege to your Honour's favour, and therefore do rather leave it to your pardon then good liking, as a folly of an idle vain: Upon which your said pardon of the one, and good liking of the other presuming; I will endeavour according to my ever vowed and bounden duty to your L. to serve you (God willing) in some better worth hereafter. Hoping that what I have here done, may at least wise serve to put better wits in mind to honour your Nobleness aswell with their peaceful pens as others do with their sea-paines.  
Your Lordships in all humble service reverently devoted, Anthony Copley.   

To the Gentlemen READERS.  
GEntlemen: these Wits, Fits and Fancies are of the nature to admit no eloquence wherewith to delight ye, as also many of them to seem barren at the first sight, which nevertheless to the second eye may minister content and merriment: Understand ye therefore, that I direct them not to the sullen and moody person, who happily in his austerity will befool a great many of them before ever he read them, as matter either differing from his sour disposition, or perhaps above his wit. Neither do I profess them as regular methods or deep grounded Axioms of Logic certainty, but as certain free Offals and precedents of Wits wandering variety. Momus (Gentlemen) I confess, were able to make a foul wrack among them, were he as precise as he is malicious; Wherefore, my desire is they come not under his Ravine, nor yet under Minos' heavy censure: But whosoever is Gentle merrie-wittie, he take all. Neither must any person of what vocation soever, take offence at any thing herein contained: Considering that mirth, not malice, means it all. As for my loves Owl, I am content that Momus turn it to a tennis-ball if he can, & bandy it quite away: namely, I desire M. Daniel, M. Spencer, & other the Prime Poets of our time, to pardon it with as easy a frown as they please, for that I give them to understand, that an University Muse never penned it, though humbly devoted thereunto.  
Yours in desire to please you. A. C.   

Wits, Fits, and Fancies.  

OF KINGS AND PRINCE'S  
ALONSO de Valentia, having yielded to Ferdinando king of Spain, the Fort of Samora, it pleased the king at his entry thereinto, to view the King of Portugal his rich wardrobe there: where having surveyed a good space, all his royal robes and jewels, he refused in the end to ransack it, neither would he bestow any one garment or jewel upon any of his train: Whereupon a Gallant then standing by, thus said unto him. Pleaseth your Majesty, the King of Portugal hath not forborn any rapine that ever he could attain unto, either upon your Grace's proper goods, or any of your subjects, and will your Majesty then deign to deal thus civilly with him? Whereunto the King answered: All that I desire of my Nephew of Portugal, is but to take away the bad conceits and opinions of his will, and not the attires of his person.  
A Portugal delivered a Fort to the foresaid Ferdinando, King of Spain, and being shortly after with the King in other service against his Countrymen (who very bravely defended their hold) he said unto him, And it like your Majesty, I ●endred you my Fort with half this ado. Yea marry (answered the King) and therefore had I rather trust this defendants sons with my Forts, than yours.  
A Portugal Gentleman besought his King of a protection against certain his enemies, who had vowed his death: The King thereunto condescended, and gave it him. Shortly after he came again unto the King, and complained to him of the great fear he went in, notwithstanding his protection: whereunto the King answered: From fear I cannot protect you.  
The Duke of Nazareth, coming to the Court to do his duty to the Emperor in most rich and sumptuous robes, and his liveries most gallant: The Empress seeing him out at a window, said: It seemeth that Nazareth comes rather to be seen of us, then to see us.  
A Moore-King of Granada, called Chiquito, yielded the said town to Ferdinando, King of Spain upon composition, and being marched away with his troops a mile or two from thence made a stand, and from a high hill turned back to view the town, as his last farewell thereunto: and beholding it, he fell a weeping, & said: Better had I lost my life then so fair a town. His Mother hereunto answered: You do well (son) to weep like a woman, seeing you did not defend it like a man.  
A Moor King showing his Nobles much treasure, and a great heap of jewels, they all commended his Majesty for so rich spoils over his enemies. And one amongst the rest said. And it like your Majesty, how great a felicity were all this, if a man were to live ever. The King answered, You have spoken very fond, for were not men mortal, I had never been a King.  
Ferdinando King of Spain asked Auennamer, a Moor king, his prisoner, how he lived so long, being a man of great years. He answered, I never stood when I might sit, I married late, I was a widower betimes, and I mean never to ma●ie more.  
Salladine the Moor, that last of all won jerusalem from the Christians dying, commanded a winding sheet to be borne in pomp at his funeral upon the point of a Lance, and a Herald to pronounce aloud these words Salladine great Lord of Asia, of all his wealth and glory, only this winding sheet he carrieth away with him.  
Ferdinando King of Spain made choice of a certain Gentleman, who was not the best of fight, to employ him in an especial affair, and the Queen bespoke the King to choose some fit person, namely one of a better sight: The King would not, but employed him, who very happily effected the affair. Shortly after, the King using him in another piece of service, it was the Gentleman's chance to succeed ill therein: Whereupon at his successless return, the Queen commanded her Treasurer to give him two hundred pounds for his pains. The Treasurer marveling why her Majesty was so bountiful to one, whom she so ill conceited, and had so ill deserved. The Queen said: As for his former service, in that he did it well, he did it out of kind, but now that he hath failed herein, I tell you, he hath duly done his kind, and fitted my expectation.  
Isabella Queen of Spain, willed a Gentleman to buy her a Nag of such a proportion, and of such a colour: The Gentleman not finding any such, presented her with a most goodly horse and a mare, but she still demanding the aforesaid Nag, at last he answered. And it like your Majesty, such a Nag I can not find, and therefore do here present you this horse and mare: May it but please your Grace to bid them engender you such a nag as you would have, and I dare say they will do it in the best manner.  
The aforesaid Queen of Spain wonted to say, that every ones good gesture is a letter in his commendation.  
Philip the first, King of Spain, seeing a Falcon kill an Eagle, commanded the head to be wrong off, saying, Let none presume against his Sovereign.  
The Earl of Warwick asked King Henry the sixth, why it pleased his Majesty to go so meanly attired: The King answered, It beseems a king to excel his Subjects in virtue, not in vesture.  
Alonso king of Arragon washing his hands before dinner, delivered to a Gentleman that stood by a couple of rings of great value to hold whilst he had done: and after washing not demanding them again, it pleased the Gentleman to keep them as his own: A ten years after the King washing his hands as before, this Gentleman chanced then to stand by, and proffering to receive his rings again: The King knew him, and calling to mind his former villainy, delivered them to an other, and said to him: Nay, soft friend, no more rings for you till you restore me my first couple.  
Alonso King of Arragon used to say, that five old things pleased him passing well, viz. Old wood for fuel; an old horse for easy riding; wine of a year old; old friends, and old books.  
An Archdeacon of Civil in Spain, slew a shoemaker, and the shoemakers son besought justice, and he had it thus. viz. That the Archdeacon for penance of the fact, should not say Mass the space of a whole year after: This justice sufficed not the young Shoemaker: but chancing in the mean time that Pedro King of Spain came thither in progress: The Shoemaker than renewed his suit to his Majesty. Whereupon the judge stepped forth and informed the King how that justice was already passed upon the said archdeacon, and told him all how it was. Nevertheless the young shoemaker mainly importuning his Majesty for better justice: at last the King asked him, whether he thought himself man enough to kill the Archdeacon: He answered: Yes: Do it then said the King. Hereupon the next day, (being Corpus Christi day) and the Archdeacon passing along in procession amongst the rest of the Clergy: The Shoemaker makes me no more ado, but rushing upon his person, stabs him with his dagger. The King being complained unto of this fact, and the fellow brought before him: It pleased the King in full notice of all the matter thus to pronounce sentence against him, namely: That in as much as the Archdeacon was pennanced for his foresaid murder, but only not to say Mass of a whole year; that in like manner this shoemaker should now not cobble any shoes the space of a whole year.  
Alfred King of England used to say, that it is much safer to take advise of the dead, then of the living, meaning Books, which neither for fear, nor yet for flattery abstain to tell a truth.  
A Moore-king of Granada understood the Spanish tongue reasonable well▪ and seldom or never spoke it. Being asked why he refused so to do when occasion was offered: He answered: Because a King ought neither do nor say any thing, be it never so trifling, which may not beseem him passing well.  
A Queen ask a country Gentleman when his wife was to be brought a bed, he answered: When so ever it shall please your Highness to command.  
Upon the first discovery of the Indies, it was discoursed before Isabella Queen of Spain, that hardly any of her subjects would be found, that would adventure so far and dangerous a voyage by sea: The Queen answered: Yes, Fools and Misers will.  
Isabella Queen of Spain wonted to say, that she loved a life these four sights: An armed man in the field, a Bishop in Pontificalibus: a Lady in estate, and a Thief upon the gallows.  
Henry the third, King of France the very same morning that he had murdered the Duke of Guise in Bloyes, coming to the old Queen his mother with the news, and ask her how she liked thereof: She answered: It is well done, (son) if it be well done.  
Queen Isabella of Spain abhorred Garlic, and it chanced on a time through the Cook's negligence that a dish of Fish was served to her board, all covered over with Percely, which had lain among Garlic: Assoon as the Queen smelled it: she said: A way with that Villain, see where he is come disguised in green.  
The Emperor Nero hearing that his predecessor Claudius was related among the Gods, and knowing that he died of a poisoned Salad, said: I had not thought that salads had been the food of the Gods.   

OF noblemans AND Ambassadors.  
DON john first Duke of Medina Sydonia, being advertisd by his Treasurer that his expenses were most excessive, and his gifts all to liberal; he answered: I will have the glory of my house known to the world, not by possessing much treasure, but by expending much treasure.  
Don Frederick of Toledo, Duke of Alva, being besought unto by a poor widow Gentlewoman to prefer with his liberality her daughter in marriage; he was easily inclined so to do: Whereupon he willed his treasurer to give her an hundred Marks: The Treasurer mistook the Duke, & gave her an hundred pounds: who shortly after coming to give up his accounts to his L. this hundred pounds came then in sight: whereunto the Duke excepted, and said: Why, I awarded but one one hundred Marks. The Treasurer had then no other shift, but to say, that his ears mistook his honours pleasure. Nay, replied the Duke, rather do I thank God that he hath afforded thee better ears, then me a good tongue, and so he passed the account for currant.  
A plain Countryman came to demand justice of the Lord high Constable of Castille, and thus he said. I am come to crave justice of your Worship, I beseech your Excellence to dispatch me, for I am a poor man my Lord, and unless your Reverence favour my case, I am utterly undone: I pray your good Mastership to be good to me, and I will truly pray God to bless your Alteze whiles I live. The Constable hereat broke forth a laughing and said: This poor Swain will be sure to hit me either high or low.  
The said Lord Constable of Castille, lying on his deathbed, his Treasurer came unto him, & besought him to forgive him the value of xi. hundred pounds, whereof he had defeated him in his former accounts. I do (said the Constable) and I wish it were twenty millions more, that I might as freely forgive thee ●t all, as I pray God to forgive me all.  
The Fortress of Buitrago by negligence was set on fire, and burnt down to the ground, the Duke of Infantasgo being thereof Lord: The Captain of the place was the first man that brought the Duke news of the mischance, beseeching his Altez, that seeing it happened through his mere default, he would sever his detested head from his shoulders, for an example to all careless Captains ever after. Then the Duke asked him whether his nets and toils which he had there for Deer, were also perished with the fire; he answered, No my Lord, they are safe: That's well, said the Duke: As for the Fortress, I tell theeCaptaine, take no care, for I did mean to have razed it long ago.  
A poor Gentleman of the country had bred up a horse to the perfection of a dainty good one, in so much that he made account to be a great gainer thereby, and upon diligent inquiry after a good Copesmate, he understood that the Duke of Infantasgo would out of doubt give him more for him than any in all the country beside, so greatly that Duke delighted in choice of good horses. To him then this Gentleman needs would with his horse, and traveling on the way, the weather being extreme hot, and the horse no less fat and foggy with over much former ease, fell down and died. The Gentleman nevertheless got the horse flayed, and carried the skin to show the Duke, and said unto him, Your Honour may judge by this skin what a goodly horse it was, and God is my judge, my L. I was bringing him to offer unto your Lordship before all others. Gramercy, said the Duke: But tell me, what did you value the horse at. Believe me my Lord (he answered) not under an hundred pounds could have bought him of me. With that the Duke commanded his Treasurer to give the poor Gentleman two hundred pounds, and said unto him: I give you these two hundred pounds as a charge, that through your default you never suffer any so gallant horse miscarry any more so mischanceablie under your hands.  
Sir Thomas Moor wonted to say, that a Liar as a Liar resembled counterfeit Coin, and in his other vices is like to light Coin.  
A Pickthank told Don Lopez de Haro, that such a one had greatly misused him in terms behind his back, advising him to revenge the injury highly: Whereunto Don Lopez answered: Now I give God thanks, that though he be able to speak ●ll of me, yet hath he not the power to hurt me.  
The Earl of Vrenia meeting an Archbishop in the street, saluted him with all due reverence: And the Prelate but slightly resaluted him, touching only his hat brim: Which the Earl noting, stepped to one of his Gentlemen and told him: It seems your Lord is either bald, mangy, or earelesse, that he dares not venture off his hat, for fear belike to have it seen.  
The Earl of Vrenia being to send a letter to a fair Lady, was desirous to make proof of the bearers sufficiency, as concerning his due performance of the ceremony thereunto belonging: And he called unto him a new page of his and said: Sirrah I am to send you forth with with a letter to a very fair Lady, let me see how well you can do your message: imagine that I am she, and here hold the Letter, and get you gone out at yonder door, and then come in again, and l●t me hear what you will say: The Page took the letter, went forth, and came in again, and being come somewhat near the Earl. he doffed his hat, and downd his knee, and kissed the Letter, and gave it him, saying: Madam▪ my Lord of Vrenia greets your Ladyship, & hath sent you this Letter. The Earl at this instant his hand was in his codpiece, and stood stooping, & thus he answered: Welcome my Lad, how fareth my Lady the Countess? The Page answered: Well & like your Honour▪ And the Earl how fareth his L. what is he now a doing? He answered My Lord is likewise well (Madam) his hand in his codpiece, all to bescratching somewhat.  
A poor Gentleman seldom dined from the Earl of Vrenia his board. It chanced in a forenoon that a tumult arose in the Earl's Palace, the Gentleman not being yet come: but anon after he came (for it was dinner time) Whom the Earl seeing, said unto him: Sir, you are welcome, though resembling the Smiths dog, evermore awake at meal, and asleep at the Anvil.  
The Earl of Vrenia asked one that came from the Court, what was reported of him there: Who answered: Neither good nor bad (my Lord) that I could hear: With that the Earl commanded him to be thoroughly blowe-basted and beaten▪ and then afterward gave him fifty Ducats, saying: Now mayst thou report of Vrenia both good and bad.  
An ancient Captain, whose beard was hoare-white with age, brought word to the Earl of Vrenia how the enemy had surprised his Fort: Trust me (Captain) good news, (answered the Earl,) Thou hast lost the ●ort, and preserved the Barba●ane. Barbacane, signifying in Spanish, a white beard, and also a Blockhouse.  
Francisco Symenes Archbishop of Toledo being deputed high Governor over Spain, during the emperors absence in the low Countries; upon occasion of some service, sent for the Earl of Vrenia to come to him to Madryll. The Earl arrived as far as Guadalaiara (which was a two days journey off the Court) and walking there in the Goldsmyths street, chanced to cast his eye upon a curious piece of plate in one of the shops, and with that he stepped to it, and viewing it, and liking it well, he willed the Goldsmith to bring it to his lodging. The Goldsmith knew him not, and therefore craved his name. Then the Earl remembering his old grudge towards the Archbishop, and taking it in foul scorn to be at his call, answered. Na, na (my friend) it skills not who I am, seeing I am come thus far.  
A Gentleman, neighbour to the Earl of Vrenia in a dear year of Corn, besought the Earl to supply his present necessity. The Earl was well pleased so to do, and willed his Secretary to draw a warrant to his Steward to measure him out twenty quarters: mean while the Earl stood talking with the Gentleman at a window. At last the Secretary having drawn the warrant, brought it to the Earl to sign: Which he perusing, and finding that the words went thus, I will you to deliver twenty quarters of wheat to Don Pedro de Gusman, wherewith I am willing to pleasure him at this time. He strait tore the warrant, and all to beknaued the Secretary, and said: Writ that he deliver him twenty quarters, for that it pleaseth Don Pedro de Gusman to do me the honour to accept it.  
A Servitor of the Earl of Vrenia, who was but a poor man's son, besought his Lords leave to go into the Country for a time, for as much as his Father had provided him a wife there. The Earl was content and willed his Chamberlain to give him withal a suit of Apparel out of his Wardrobe. The serving man assaying many, and finding none to fit him, in the end the Chamberlain came and told the Earl of it, whereunto the Earl answered. Then bid my Treasurer give him an hundred pounds to buy him one withal. The Treasurer paid it, and he had it.  
Isabella Queen of Spain willed Don Alonzo de Aguilar to entitle himself Marquis of Pliego▪ (which was the name of his Manor house:) He answered: That were all one as if your Majesty would advise me to marry my maid.  
The Marquis of Cenete was wont to say, That to be rich was not to increase treasure, but to diminish appetites.  
Gonzalo Fernandes, a brave Spanish General, walking in a Church, heard a Priest loudly praying: To whom he said: Father, what prayer is that you say? He answered, the Prime: Strain it not then so high (replied the General) lest you break it: For Prime in Spanish signifieth also a triple Lute string.  
Gonzalo Fernandes used to pass much by a poor man's door, who had two very fair daughters: which the poor man perceiving, and conceiving withal that Gonzalos abusive love of his daughters might greatly redound to his relief: He came to him, and besought him to help him to some doings in the Country, thinking by such his absence the better to leave his daughters to Gonzalos lust, and without that the world might justly suspect any his privity thereunto. Gonzalo perceiving such the poor man's drift & desperation, took compassion of his case, & drawing him into an inner room, gave him two hundred Crowns in two several bags, saying: I marry will I (my friend) do for thee: Hold here these two bags and be gone; see thou bestow thy daughters presently therewith, and as for thyself, I will provide for thee beside.  
Gonzalo Fernandes still used to say, that he remained debtor to none so much as to them, to whom he gave most: So much he esteemed the honour of his bounty.  
The Earl of Cifuentes wonted to say, that Noblemen in times past used to cast account with their Lances, and now adays with counters.  
Don Diego de Mendoza Earl of Melito, was wont to say, That in the house where is a fountain, there needeth no Cistern, and the Lord that hath fee enough, need hoard up no treasure.  
The Earl of Cenete being a very young Gentleman at the siege of Perpenian, ventured close under the wall, and darted a Lance into the Castle, and came safe away: Anon after a couple of horsemen sallied forth of the place, and he seeing them would have ventured to encounter one of them, But his Tutor would not suffer him, but said: Soft Sir, first I will go before & kill one of them, and then come you after and cut off his head: Nay (replied the Earl) rather let me go before and kill one of them, and then come you after and kiss his tail.  
The Earl of Lenios' awarded justice to a Vass●ll of his: wherewith the party found himself greatly aggrieved, & highly exclaimed of the Earl's injustice therein, and belike the Earl indeed mistook the matter: Whereupon he sent for the party the next day▪ and said unto him: My friend, thy speech's deserve laughter, and my error reformation.  
A Duke of Feria was so honourable in his bounties, that he never bid his Treasurer any set value to disburse, but thus: Give such a one forty or fifty Crowns, 100 or 1●0. pounds: so as the Treasurer rested evermore perplexed how to perform the Duke's pleasure. Wherefore being on a time commanded to give a certain Gentleman 200. or 250. Crowns, he came to the Duke, to demand his exact pleasure therein: Why peasant (answered the Duke) seek'st thou to alter my manner of phrase, I tell thee now for good and all, understand always the most of my pleasure, and there an end.  
Don Bernardin de Velasco delighted so exceedingly in crossbows, that he deputed an especial room in his house for their safe custody. It chanced on a time, that being to purchase a goodly manor, & much country about it in Andaluzia, he had stored up treasure, to the value of 60000 pounds, which, his Treasurer for more safety had coffered up, & disposed in the said crossbow room, as being the strongest place in all the house. Don Bernardin one day coming thither, to see his crossbows, and seeing those coffers there, asked what trumpery it was. The Treasurer answered: Treasure. Treasure (said Velasco) 'tis trash; away with it, what makes it here to endanger my crossbows?  
A Constable coming to arrest a shoemaker within his house; the shoemakers wife so well bestirred her, that she bravely belambed the constable, whiles in the mean time her husband got away: The Constable then came unto the Duke of Infantasgo & complained unto him of the battery, and of the shoemakers wives misusage; alleging that if so scandalous a fact were not very severely, & that eftsoons corrected, it would greatly redound to his L. disgrace: whereunto the Duke answered: Seeing as thou sayst, the disgrace will be mine, I forgive the shoemakers wife.  
Don Bernardin de B●badilia entering into the Earl of Beniventa his privy chamber, the Earl did not arise to salute him: Whereupon all in a chafe he fling out, & said; your L. is good for a vassal  
A worshipful Gentleman saying in complement to th'earl of Vrenia: (I rest ever your honours poor friend) and with that sucesing, and adjoining afterward (and your humble serviture.) The Earl answered: I had taken you at your first word: viz. for a friend, had you not afterward adjoined serviture.  
A King of Spain commanded a gallery to be built upon Arches all along a street from his palace to Don Inigo Lopez his palace, and understanding that it was all finished, he sent a Gentleman of his privy chamber to go view the work, and bring him true report thereof, and withal to salute in his name Don Inigo Lopez. The Gentleman being arrived there, viewed the work, and did the Kingssalute unto the Nobleman: who answered: Most humble thanks unto the Kings salute, and I pray tell his highness I am well, and do rest ready at all his majesties employance, only I marvel why it hath pleased his Highness to deign so unnecessary a prop to my strong house.  
At the funeral of the King of Hungary, the Emperor Charles passed along in a mourning rob, & the Earl of Nassao bore up his train. An officious Gentleman, retainer to the said Earl supposing it no less courtesy to do the like to his Lord, took up his train, and bore it up after him a good way: At last the Earl looking back, espied him, and said: Let down sir fool and be gone in a knaves name.  
A Duchess was jealous of a fair Gentlewoman, conceipting that she used some unlawful means to distray her Duke to her amity: and in this mind sent for her to murder her. The innocent Gentlewoman suspecting no such danger, came; and being in the place of death, the Duchess regarding her exceeding rare beauty, dismissed her again, saying: It is thy beauty hath slain me, and saved thee.  
Certain Ladies coming to visit an honourable person, who was become a Friar, and had left the world, they said: That they greatly marveled that so high a state as he would leave the world, who had always lived most honourably therein and at his heart's ease: He answered: Even as you say (Ladies) I have always hitherto bestowed my fine flower on the world, and now therefore is it meet, that at leastwise I give my bran unto my God, if so it please him to accept it.  
A widow Gentlewoman in a dearth of corn, came to the Earl of Vrenia, and besought him of his charity to relieve her With that the Earl called his Secretary unto him, & bid him draw a warrant to his Bailiff, to deliver her so much. The Secretary, whether he mistook his L pleasure, or whether he was willing to use his own discretion therein, set down less than the Earls award, namely but xx. bushels; and so brought it to the Earl to sign: Who seeing so small a quantity, as but twenty bushels, was highly displeased, and blotted it out, and wrote over it five hundred. Whereat his Secretary seeming greatly to muse, the Earl said: Thus hath thy folly made me a more Fool: but go to, so it shall pass for this once. And he passed it so.  
The Earl of Cabra, being a very valiant Gentleman, arming himself on a time to go skirmish the enemy, his Gentlemen greatly marveled to see him so tremble and quiver all the time he was of arming: which the Earl perceiving, said: See see (Sirs) how basely my flesh quakes to think in what a peck of troubles my adventurous heart will put it in anon.  
A Nobleman had his young son up to the Court, who being a delicate youth, the Lady's eyes were never off him, neglecting all other gallants, he being in place: Which the Nobleman perceiving, said unto them. Are you so overjoyed with the sight of gre●ne barley, that you forget your provender afore you?  
Don Bernardino Piementel had his house plentifully furnished with all manner rich and necessary things: In so much as it pleased the King his Liege to grace it in his progress time with his survey: Who when he had viewed it all from one office to another, in the end he greatly commended him, saying: That he was a good common-wealthes-man: Whereupon a Noble man, this Piementels ill-willer, then by, said unto the King. And like your Majesty, there is not the least city or town in all your land, but is better furnished. True answered Piementell, and yet I assure you (my Lord) not any whit of all this provision came from your town of Burgos.  
Alavarda in Spanish signifies a Halberd, and Aluarda a pack saddle. A Nobleman willed his Secretary to write a Letter to a Gentleman a friend of his in Toledo, for a dozen of Alavardas', viz. Halberds. Now the Secretary through negligence wrote Aluardas', viz. Packsaddles: Which the Noble man set his hand to without ere reading it, & so sent it away. The Gentleman meaning simply bought a dozen of Packsaddles, and sent them to the Nobleman, according to the contents of his letter: Which being presented to his view, & withal perceiving by the Gentleman's letter, such the contents of his own, he strait found out his Secretary's error, whom he presently called unto him, and gave him in regard of such his gross oversight, one half of the packsaddles, and th'other six he reserved to himself, as in respect he was so careless, as to set his hand to a letter before ere he read it.  
The Marquis of Santiliana customed to say, that ceremonies are enough for strangers, but deeds befit friends.  
The Marquis of Santiliana was a great student, and being on a time merrily reprehended therefore by his illiterate friends, he said: I converse better with my books then with you.  
The Marquis of Comares talking with the Precedent of Cordua said unto him, that the Romans' maintained a rich Common wealth, and but mean houses, and the Spaniards rich houses, and but a hungry commonwealth.  
A Commendador-Maior of Spain, whose steward was all to miserlie for his thrift, said unto him: I pray thee N. less profit and more honour.  
A Noble man having many Guests upon a time at dinner with him and his board not very well furnished, called his steward unto him and said: Why N. this dinner is like a leaden blade, the point and the pummel soon bend together.  
The Earl of Cifuentes being Ambassador for his Spanish King at the Court of Rome, & being present at a Council holden in the Pope's Consistory, at which were present Ambassadors from most Christian nations; and a many Cardinals, and the Pope himself, and seeing there the French king his chair placed above his Liege's, he pushed it down with great impatience. A Bishop that sat by, rebuking him therefore, and affirming that that was no meet time nor place to commit scandals. Tut reverend father he answered) say you as beseems a divine and do I as fitteth a Gentleman.  
A Duke of Florence invited to his palace at Rome the Earl of Tendilia, Spain's Ambassador to Supper, & the Duke would have placed him at the upper end of the board under his cloth of estate; but the Earl greatly gainsaid it, and refused it. Then the Duke waxing hereat civilly angry, commanded one of his Gentlemen to bring him forthwith the keys of his palace, to the end to yield them up to the Earl,  
Frances King of France in a Letter that he wrote to the emperors Ambassador, endorsed it thus. To th' Ambassador of Kings, and King of Ambassadors, etc.  
Cardinal Saluiates, the Pope's Legate in Spain, at the Emperor Charles his espousal, being in merry conversation, said: That France tasted of pride, Spain of malice, Italy of wisdom, England of vanity, Portugal of fools.   

OF gentlemans.  
A Gentleman ask a Dier, whether he could die his silk stockings of the colour of a woman's honesty: Fie, said a Gentlewoman that stood by, what a question is that? Say you fie (replied the Gentleman) Believe me I had not thought a woman's honesty had been of the colour of (Fie.)  
A Sodomitical Gentleman walking in a Churchyard with an other poor Gentleman, whom he greatly disdained, and ask him where he would be buried when he were dead: The other answered: With you in Sodom.  
Isabella Queen of Spain, saying to a young gentleman, whose father had before time sustained some just disgrace at her highness hands. I trow N. you will trimly raise up your house again, and make us good amends for your father's fault. He (being a silly sot) answered Yea, and like your Majesty, one end of my barn indeed is sore decayed with the last winds, by reason that it stands somewhat high, but my mother hath promised me to be at the charge of that reparation.  
A Gentleman sitting at a play, a Merchant by chance sat afore him, whose hat was so high and broad, that it hindered his view of the play; whereupon he said unto him: My good friend, I beseech you do off your hat a while, for I assure you it will greatly benefit my eyesight.  
A Spanish Gentleman had a many Moors to his slaves, and in the winter time he kept them cold and bare: A Churchman rebuking such his uncharitie and hard heart, and saying that it was a shame unto him: He answered▪: Pass they over the cold and I'll pass over the shame well enough.  
A Gentleman in regard of a Gentlewoman's rude behaviour towards him, estranged himself for a season from conversing with her. Whereupon a friend of hers ask him on a time, why he became so great a stranger to that house, he answered: Because better is civil strangeness, than rude familiarity.  
A Gentleman riding along where sat a many Gentlewomen at the street door, an ugly Mastiff cur flew at him: Whereupon the Gentleman desirous to view the Gentlewomen, took this as an occasion to turn back, and said unto them: Gentlewoman, this Cur is hell, and all you are heaven.  
A Gentleman bespoke a pair of shoes of a shoemaker, who at the months end brought them him: Whereat the Gentleman somewhat angry with his so long delay, said unto him: Even as you came (my friend) so be gone; for I wear not my shoes by your foot, but by mine own.  
On S. Steuens day it is the custom, all horses to be let blood and drenched. A Gentleman being that morning demanded whether it pleased him to have his horse let blood and drenched according to the fashion. He answered: No sirrah, my horse is not diseased of the fashions.  
A young Gentleman said unto an old Gentleman (who was but his equal both in lineage, & living, and all other respects only age excepted) Sir I beseech you let me kiss your reverend hand. Th'other was content, and offered it him to kiss: But the young Gentleman, seeing such his vanity, only shook him by the hand, and said: Good faith Sir, you and I against any other two.  
A poor Gentleman that for wealth's sake had married a rich peasants daughter, compared such his marriage to a pudding, whereinto he had put the blood, and his Father in law the Chibbols.  
A Gentleman came hungry home, and called for dinner, and his man answered: That it was but new strooken ten. Tut (said the Gentleman) tellest thou me of ten by the clock, being twelve by my stomach?  
A poor Gentleman dying, had three fair hawks, which he thus disposed of: viz. Th'one to be sold for the benefit of his soul; th'other for the discharge of certain dribbling debts; and the third to remain to his son, whom he made his Executor. This good Executor within a while after missing one of the hawks, said: So well far thy heart (hawk) be thou gone for my father's soul.  
A Gentleman being released out of prison, the porter at parting demanded his fee, and the Gentleman gave him but a common prisoners fee, viz. three pence: Whereunto the Porter excepting, and challenging six pence. The Gentleman shaming belike to have been prisoner for so foul a matter: answered: I am content thou take me for a peasant for this once.  
A very civil Gentleman walking in conversation with other his companions, stayed talking by the way with a plain Cuntryman, who met him, and delivered him a letter: And because his parley was somewhat long, th'others were discontented and walked on afore, leaving him behind, who at last overtaking them, said: Gentlemen, it is no less honourable to answer an inferior, then to comply with an equal.  
A young Gentleman that had followed the wars, complained when he came home of the Sciatica: And being asked how he came by that ache, he answered: By lying in frank tenements, viz. Upon the bare earth.  
One ask a Gentleman his acquaintance what good horses he had, he answered: As stately a one as ever you saw. Th'other then desirous to see it, to the stable they went; where when they came, a piteous poor jade it was (God wots) of pure skin and bone But looking still about for the foresaid stately horse, and not seeing any such there, he marveled, and often asked where he was become. Then th'other answered: Why lo here where he stands (pointing to the poor lade) I warrant ye (quoth he) that he goes not above half a mile an hour to die for it, and can you have a statelier horse than so?  
A Gentleman seeing his man gallop a horse ill-favouredly, said unto him: I assure thee (N.) thou dost not a whit discredit thy mother: The serving man ask him how so Mary (quoth he) because when one doth a thing passing well & with a good grace (as now thou dost) I have hard it often said: The whoreson hath done it passing well.  
A Nobleman came to the Court with a gallant train of golde-chaines after him: And one of his Gentlemen being asked how it chanced that he had ne'er a chain as well as the rest: He answered: I do not gnaw.  
A virtuous Gentleman seeing a malicious person look down on the ground, and continue gazing thereon a good space, said: Questionless either some mischief is befallen yonder man, or some good to some other body.  
A Gentleman that had been to see the Peake, traveling the same day homeward again, alighted that night in an In: where, when he was to go to bed, a bonny-Lasse stepped into his chamber and offered him her service all night: He seeing her impudence, answered: I lift not (wench) to enter into the Peake twice in twelve hours: and so dismissed her.  
A Gentleman put out his mule to a Horse-courser to break and bid him make it a widdow-mule: The horse-courser marveling at such a term, demanded his meaning therein. Marry (said the Gentleman) a widow hath these three good properties: she is fat, she feeds well, and she goes well, such a one would I have you make my mule.  
M. William Goring of Sussex had left him by Sir Henry his father a chest of treasure so close piled up together, that hard it was to finger out any one piece, much les●e to gripe out any. This Gentleman having lost the key of that chest, offered a lock-smith in bargain for a new, either to take his full gripe of money out of it, at the opening thereof; or else to stand to the bare price of his key. The Smith chose rather th' adventure of his gripe: Whichwhen it came to pass, & that withal the injury he did unto his fingers, he could neither gripe, nor pick out any one piece: At last he was feign to stand to the Gentleman's courtesy, who like a Gentleman requited his avarice with far more bounty than the key was worth.  
An Officer whose daughter was detected of dishonesty, and generally so reported, upbraided a gentleman that his brother was a Papist, & therefore he himself haply not much better. The Gent. hereunto answered: Aswell may an honest man have a knave to his brother, as an errand whore to his daughter  
A Gentleman accompanying on the way a great Commendador of Spain, who wore a huge chain about his neck, with a great S. james hanging down his breast before; at parting this Gent. horse was so unwieldy, that he could not easily rule him, but still he frisked and carabetted & crossed the Commendador on the way: Whereupon the Commendador ask him, what his horse ailed, he answered: And like your Honour, he is like a Hackney jade, which wheresoever it sees a sign hang out, thinks straight it is an In, & will not pass it to die. So is it with my horse, and your Honour's habit about your neck.  
Two Gentlemen were at factions with one an other, & the one of them sent his trusty servant to an old Gent. his neighbour, to solicit his partiality on his behalf: Whereunto the old Gent. made this answer, that he for his part, was rather sorry of their mutual enmities (being both his very good neighbours) them that he would any ways be a party therein, other then in way to atone them to his power, & make them good friends again. The serving-man delivering this answer to his master: The Gentleman all in a snuff said: What an old fool is he, that will be angry with no body.  
A Gent conversing merrily among a many Gentlewomen, they said unto him: Beware you speak no more such follies, for fear we bind you, he answered: Being yourselves all lose will you bind me?  
A Spanish Gentleman was buying of Pork, and another that was not a Gentleman, but so seemed, came and cheapened it of the butcher, as though he meant to buy it out of th' others hand: Whereat the Gentleman half angry, said unto him. Well seeing you come to cheapen my pork, I'll (sure) one of these days come cheapen your pease.  
A poor Gentleman and a rich Cormougeon being at choleric terms with one another, the Churl ●ware that he was as good a Gentleman as he. Even so (replied the gentleman) than I assure thee, I am the veriest peasant in the world:  
A pickthank was telling a virtuous Gentleman, how such a one spoke ill of him behind his back in the presence of a great many Of a great many? (answered the gentleman) Believe me, so I had rather one should say ill of me before many, than many before one.  
One told a Gentleman that his men tatled much disgrace of him behind his back He answered: Let them tattle what they list, and do I what I list.  
A Gentleman hearing thieves in the night time scaling his neighbour's house, said: Hark how yonder poultry mount up to their perches.  
A Gentleman of Toledo having a piece of rich Taffeta brought him from a friend of his out of India, sent for a Merchant to buy it of him: Who seeing it, and liking it well▪ told the gentleman, that if it pleased him to take saffron in exchange for it, he would gladly rid him of it: Whereunto the gentleman answered: Gramercy (my good friend) But know you not that my L. Cardinal's grace is at this day Inquisitor general over all Spain? Go but to him, and obtain of his Grace, that whereas Saffron is now most used in fried meats, he to en●oine all men to use it hereafter in boiled meats; and this being once granted and proclaimed, then come to me again, and I will show you more of my mind.  
One saying to a Gentleman: Sir, me thinks you have built your house well for Summer, but not for winter: He answered: Belike you think I have less wit than wild geese, that cannot shift my abode with every season.  
There was a certain poor Gentleman, who, in regard of his poverty, every one thowed, and not any vouchsafed him the title of Mastership: Whereupon one that noted it said: This argueth that neither God nor the K. ever created mastership.  
One ask a Gentleman what he thought of one that was newly taken in adultery: He answered: Taken tarde.   

OF GALLANTS AND UPSTARTS.  
A Presumptuous gallant besought the King of Spain in a merriment to make him his Secretary; The King answered▪ that he was already provided of a sufficient one. Yea, well I wots (replied the gallant) your Majesty hath a Secretary indeed, but he can speak no Latin, which is a foul default. The Secretary standing by, then answered. But it is a greater shame not to speak good Spanish.  
Emanuel King of Portugal being to ride a hunting, willed his Steward to provide him dinner in a banqueting house, which he had in the forest, and that it should consist only of such meats as had no blood in them. viz. Salads and fruits altogether. A Gallant overhearing such the Kings encharge, stepped strait to a Gentleman his companion by, & drawing out his sword, presented it to the King, and said: It may then please your Majesty to taste hereof, for by jesus it never yet drew blood of any and in itself the devil a whit it hath.  
A merry Gentleman seeing a Gallant that was bound for the Indies walk the streets, his hat al-a flaunt, and befeathered with all kind of coloured plumes, said: When a God's name will this Woodcock fly, ●or well I see he hath all his ●ethers about him.  
One that had lain first with the mother, and then afterward with the daughter, asked a Ruffian mate, what that fact might resemble; who answered: All one, as if you should eat the hen first, and the chicken after.  
A Spanish Hidalgo used to say, that in a case of brabble between king Philip and him, he might with more right give the King the lie, the the King give it him, because he himself is a pure Spaniard, and the King but an Ostrich.  
A gallant used to say: traveling on the way, let me always lie in a house where I may call my Host Knave, and my Hostess whore, viz. in an Inn.  
A Gallant was brought before a merry Recorder of London for getting a maid with child, and the Recorder said: It is a marvel (master N.) that you being a Gentleman of good quality, would venture to get maids with child: The Gentleman answered: Nay rather were it a marvel, if a maid had gotten me with child.  
A Gallant entered into a young Nobleman's chamber whiles he was a trimming, and said: What means your L. to have to do with this pack saddle groom? The barber answered: True (my Lord) for such a saddle indeed did I once make for his father.  
A Gallant boasted himself of much Worship and Gentry in a place where he was not known: and it chanced that he and his Tailor squared about a bill of account, and he highly vaunting his worship to the Tailor, said: Why Peasant, it seems, thou know'st not what Gentry means: Tell me, what is it? The Tailor answered, Yes, to be borne a hundred miles hence.  
A poor creature begged alms of a Gallant, who gave him a Tester. With that the beggar said, that he would pray to god most truly for him. No (answered the Gallant) I pray thee pray for thyself, for I take no Almes-usurie.  
A young Master that had wasted a goodly inheritance in a very short space, one said in mockage of him: Whereas earth useth to consume all other men, this Gallant hath consumed earth.  
A Portugal and a Spaniard fought, and by means of friends they were parted, and almost made friends. Then the Portugal said: I am content (sirs) at your earnest entreaties to let the villain live, but as (I am a Gentleman,) I'll have one limb or other of him, as a badge of my victory.  
A vain Gallant ran his head by chance against another's belly, and the company ask this other how he felt his belly, he answered: Well, for a wind-bladder never gives great blow.  
An unthrifty youth being brought to the last cast, challenged in th' Arches a certain rich Citizen's daughter to wife, affirming, that they were at such a time, and in such a place contracted together. Then the judge asked him, whether the marriage were never since consummated, yea or no? With that steps me forth the maids Proctor, and said: Yes (sir) his living is long ago.  
Two companions went to a wenching house, and the Lass was not yet come according to appointment: whereupon one of them began in the mean time to conceit the old Viccareste of that h●l, there present. Which th'other seeing, said unto him: Are you so hungry that you will eat up the halter before the hay come.  
A Gallant seeing himself worshipped at every word in all places where he came, said unto his hostess that so beworshipt him: I pray thee hostess, worship me no worships, would my worship were hanged.  
One ask a gallant where he lay a-nights, he answered: My lodging is like the point of a sagbot, that still goes with the eye.  
A young Master was new come to his living, and his mother blaming his unthriftiness, all in a pelting chafe he said unto her: Faith (mother) taunt me so but once more, & for spite I'll sell ye all the land and living I have. So may you do well, son (answered his mother,) yea and if you should sell it all but for six pence, yet should you be no loser thereby, for it never cost you groat.  
A presumptuous Gallant pricked up upon the Spanish Court gate a Tilt-challenge against all comers: A Lady ask her Paramour whether he would subscribe thereunto, He answered: No (Madam) no firm of mine, for, so fantastical a body admits no impression, viz. Encounter.  
An upstart Gallant being determined to seem the Gentleman, bought him half a dozen fair suits of apparel, and putting on the first day of his bravery a fair large velvet cloak, he looked about him, and said: Me thinks this cloak stands nothing handsome upon me: True (said a Gentleman that stood by) you may therefore do well to begin with Taffeta first, and then fall to your velvet afterward.  
A gallant was a boasting that he feared neither pox nor plague: And an other adjoined, Nor God.  
One commending an others huge strength, said: That if the world had an iron ring at it, he would lift it up all.  
A Gallant threatened one, saying: If thou offend me, I'll throw thee so high into the Element, that rather mayst thou fear famishing, then falling.  
A Parish in the west Country called Lent was by fortune set on fire: and by chance a good fellow passing by at the same time, and seeing it, asked the Parishes name: They answered, Lent: Lent (quoth he) I pray ye then in with Fridays and Saturdays too, that the fire may consume them altogether.   

COLONELS AND CAPTAINS.  
MOnsieur de Aubenie last General of the French forces in the Kingdom of Naples, being, what by conquest, and what by composition, to yield up to Spain, the last towns and holds that he there held for his Liege▪ It pleased Gonzalo Fernandes the Spanish General to be so honourable, as after much festivity extended unto him at his surrender, to furnish also his decayed army with principal good horses to pack away: But Monsieur d' Aubenie rather regarding the pride of his mind, than the courtesy of the Spanish General, told him at parting, that he had done very unadvisedly, to mount his men so bravely away, in as much as upon the same horses he might chance to see him and them shortly again in those parts, in as hostile manner as ever before. You shall be welcome (answered Gonzales) whensoever you come, neither shall you ever find Spain less honourable than now.  
One Pedrarias a Portugal in a battle that he fought against Spain, took prisoners a many Gentlemen and Artisans of Toledo, and having occasion the morrow after to make a Trench & a vault under ground at a place called Pannionrostro, he asked them all severally, whether they were Gentlemen or Artisans: And such as said they were Artisans, he employed them in the work, saying: Why would you leave your trades? And the Gentlemen he dismissed, saying: You did but your duties to come to the wars.  
Gonzalo Fernandes used to say: That soldiers in peace, are like chimneys in Summer.  
The said General wonted to say: If thy enemy fly, make him a golden bridge.  
The said Gonzalo Fernandes marching on a time to bid the Frenchmen battle, chanced to stumble and fall: Whereat his Army seeming dismayed, at rising up he said unto them: Why (sirs) this is no worse than that the ground embraceth me for joy.  
Diego Garcia Paredez saying to Gonzalo Fernandes: May it please your Honour to avoid that dangerous place, seeing how sore the enemy plays upon it: He answered. Since God hath put no fear into your heart, put you none into mine.  
Don Pedro Gonzales seeing his Liege at the battle of Aliuberoto in danger to be slain, alighted from off his horse, & mounted the King thereon, and foretired him safe away. Which after he had done, & placed him in assured safety, he would have returned back again to the battle, but the King would not suffer him. Pardon me my Liege then he said: I will go. Never shall the women of Guadalasara say, that I trained out their sons and husbands to the wars, and have left them dead in the field, & am myself safe returned home.  
A Spanish Captain was sent to skirmish a multitude of enemies with a few men: And of those ●ew he took but the one half, saying: Better yet a few die then all.  
Chatillion, L. Admiral of France having given the Guizians a great overthrow in a vale, was himself suddenly set upon by a troup of enemies from a hill: Yet notwithstanding retreating his scattered Army to safety with the loss of only some few, he said by the way: I thought yonder mountain cloud would at last redound to a shower of rain.  
The King of Spain commanded the brave Castle of Montilia for the lords treason to be razed to the ground: And it chanced, that as the ruin was a doing, the unexpected fall of a turret slew fifty persons. Gonzalo Fernandes hearing of it, said: Oh what a destruction (trow ye) would Montilia have made amongst her enemies, had it been suffered to live, that dying hath slain so many of her foes.  
Fernando Gonzales seeing one of his soldiers a selling his horse, asked him why he sold him: The Soldier answered: Because (my Lord) his fashion is to give back at the sight of armour. I marvel much (replied Gonzales) that you will sell him for the same quality you bought him for.  
Gonzalo Fernandes being to bid the enemy battle, it fortuned that certain barrels of powder were set on fire, wherewith the Army was superstitiously dismayed: which he perceiving, said: (Sirs,) this is the bonfire of our victory.  
A Soldier came and told his Captain, that he thought such a Fortress of the enemy might be won only with the loss of some few men: Whereunto the Captain answered: But will you be one of those few?  
A covetous Captain, whose name was Leonard Robiny, his Soldiers in derision, called him Captain Rob-pennie.  
A gallant Captain leading his men forth to service, & seeing them half amazed at the over multitudes of th'enemy, said: Why, (Sirs) did heaven fall, we would (I trow) support it with our manly Arms.  
An Italian Captain seeing fire given to a Canon in th'enemies' Fort toward his quarter, prostrated himself upon the ground, and said: He that fears not thee, fears not God.  
The Castle of Endoven in Brabant being surprised by night▪ by the State's soldiers, the Captain thereof being an Italian, was then a bed with his wench: To whom his Lieutenant came, and said: Up and fight (Captain) or save yourself, for th'enemy is within the walls He answered. You and the rest fight there, for I have as much as I can turn me to here: Anon a●ter came one of his Sergeants, and said: Captain, up and away, th'enemy prevails: He answered: I, now I come, my lance is in the rest: At last came rushing in his Ancient, and said: Captain, your colours are lost, and the Castle ta'en: He answered: Yet have I broken my Lance, what will you more? Then last of all rushed in th'enemy into his chamber, & would have ●laine him: With that he kissed his whore, and said unto them: Oh Sirs, Bon guerre, bon guerre, see here Bon guerre.  
An Italian Captain in the Low-cuntries' leading his men to skirmish th'enemy: thus heathenlie encouraged them saying: (Sirs) remembering the Antic honour of our Roman nation, fight so: and as for your sins, if you die, know ye there is no God. So said, he fought, and was the first man was slain. Good Reader, detest this and honour God's judgement therein.   

OF SOLDIERS.  
A Captain and a soldier fought a combat, and the Captain hurt the soldier in the Arme. So as down fell his sword from out his hand, he resting at the Captain's mercy. Then the Captain saying: Now yield (villain) or die. Is it as I list (answered the Soldier) know ye then, that though my Arm now fails me to fight, yet my courage serves me well to die.  
Amongst a many Portugals that went to give the Moors a Camesado by night a Spaniard marched amongst them, and he speaking somewhat loud, contrary to their proclaimed silence: a Portugal shent him therefore, saying: By your Spanish speech the Moors will think we be all Spaniards, and then (before God) will they kill every mother's child of us.  
A Portugal soldier marching in a troup of Spaniards against the Moors unarmed & weaponless, one asked him why he was no better furnished: He answered: Marry because there are as valiant men at foot, as at Arms.  
A Spaniard at the entry of the breach of Mastricht (a Flaunders town) seeing at a corner house, as he ran along to the spoil, an Image of the Virgin Marry broken and all defaced, bowed down his knee to the ground, and vowed that before he passed that street he would kill seven Dutch men in despite of the seven deadly sins, and an eight in revenge of that sacrilege done to the said Image of our Lady, and he did so.  
A Spanish soldiers match in Flanders, not taking fire so presently as he would, said: Gog's Nouns, this Lutheran fire refuseth to light my Catholic match, for fear (belike) lest it should kill some thousand Dutch Lutherans.  
A crew of Soldiers begged of a Gentleman as he road on the way, and he answered: Faith (Sirs) I do not use to give takers any thing. They nevertheless still importuning him and one of them, saying: Happily your Worship hath sometimes been a Marshal man yourself (for so you seem,) and therefore we hope you will not be unkind to poor Soldiers in distress. No trust me (answered the Gentleman) I never was Soldier in all my life and yet (I hope in God) I am an honest man nevertheless.  
A cowardly Gallant went forth with his company to combat the Moors, and the Moors won the field: Home then returned the runaway survivors, and brought their General word of all a la mort. Amongst whom this Gallant was missing; and not being heard of, was thought to have been slain. Nay I warrant you (said an old woman there present) he is living, for well ye wots, Moors eat no Hares flesh.  
A Gallego of Spain went to the wars, and was shot with an arrow into the head. The Surgeon searching the wound, said, that he could not possibly live, for that the arrow had pierced his brain. The Gallego answered: That can not be, for I have no brain at all; had I had brains, I trow I had never come to the wars.  
At the siege of Barcelona, a Portugal horseman entered pelle melle, in th'enemies' throng into the town gate, and wrote with a chalk within the gate: Hitherto adventured Vasco Fernandes. The next day a Spaniard hearing him boast thereof, was no less adventurous, and bravely hazarded himself the next skirmish, in at the same gate, and wrote with a coal beyond his: Hitherto Vasco Fernandes did not adventure.  
A valiant Soldier being demanded how many men he durst encounter withal at once, answered: If he be an honest man, one is enough, if villains, a whole street-full.  
A novice soldier putting on his first harness, trembled, and said: Now that I see myself in Arms, I am afraid of myself.  
A young soldier brought from the wars a great scar in his face, and chancing on a time to meet an old Soldier, that had as great a scar in the face as he, he stood gazing thereupon a good while: Then th'other ask him why he did so: He answered: I am sure I am up, but you have won it by the elder hand.  
A soldier that had a piteous mangled face brought his garment to a Tailor to mend: The Tailor gazing earnestly on his face, at last said: You had more need be new made, then mended.  
An Italian soldier at the siege of Bergaine op Zome in Brabant, prostrated himself on the ground, at the sight of a Canon shot, and said. Not bow to thee, not bow to God.  
A soldier that in his mirth was most gracious, and in his rage intolerable: One said, that he was like a Quince that helps digestion well, and yet is itself hard to digest.  
A Spanish Officer braving an English Gentleman that served his king in the Low countries, and saying: My Liege gives thee bread to eat: else mightst thou starve well enough: He answered: Your King indeed adventures his purse for me, but I my Princess displeasure, and my life for him.  
One preferred wars before peace, and his reason was, Because that in wars the fathers bury their sons, but in peace the sons their fathers.  
A soldier was a telling how that in a battle in which he was, th'enemies' Arrows were so infinite in the air, that they darkened the sun over them: Whereunto an other answered: Then had you the odds, to fight with them in the shade.  
In a plain all covered over with snow, a Captain seeing a soldier march in his doublet and hose with a pike on his shoulder all in a sweat, asked him how in so cold a day as that, & but in a thin doublet and hose he could possibly sweat so: The soldier answered: Marry (Captain) if you carried all your goods upon your back at once, as I do, I warrant you, you would sweat as well as I.   

OF CHALLENGES AND Combats.  
A Gentleman reading a letter of defiance, wherein he was challenged the field, his page holding the candle unto him whilst he read it, & snuffing it, chanced to put it out. Sirrah (than said the Gentleman) light the candle again quickly, for I tell thee (boy) this letter comes not to put out candles, but to kill God a mercy on his soul.  
Fernando Gonzales appointed twelve Spanish soldiers to combat so many other French men hand to hand; and it fell out that the combat ended with equal honour to both nations: Whereupon Gonzales said; I sent my Spaniards forth for better men.  
In Spain single combat is not allowed, but between persons of like blood and lineage: A Spanish Gentleman having a quarrel with another not his equal, sent him a challenge thus: I, N. do acknowledge myself as base a villain as thou thyself; and therefore, see thou meet me to morrow at such a place.  
A Spanish soldier challenged an Italian Gentleman to the field: Whereunto the Italian excepted, as in respect he was his better; nevertheless (he said) I have a boy that shall fight with thee in the right of my quarrel, where ere thou darest to appoint: The Spaniard hereunto thus answered: Let that boy come, for boy, or base how ere he be, I will account him thy better.  
It was upbraided to one that he turned his back to his enemy, and ran away: He answered: No, I did but traverse my ground in the fury of my spirits.  
A Gentleman, who was none of the wisest, was deputed judge in jest, of a just between two other Gentlemen: And one saying unto him; (Sir) how think you of this last course, hath not Master N. lost his Lance? meaning that he had not countercrusht it upon his adversary: Whereunto he answered: If master N. have lost his Lance, let him seek it out again.  
A gouty Gentleman challenged to run with one for a wager: What wager (said th'other?) He answered: For humours.  
An old Gentleman being a hunting, lost one of his Beagles, and understanding that such a young Gallant had taken it up, sent to him to demand it: which the youth refusing to deliver, the next day, he sent him a challenge to the field. But the young gentleman returned him this answer: That in regard of his weak old age, he would not so much distain his vigorous youth, as to encounter him in Arms. Whereunto the old Gentleman replied: That notwithstanding that he was a young boy indeed, yet was it ungratefully done of him, in that he did not at leastwise deign to thank him for such proffered spurs, how ever he durst or listed not to accept them, being offered to such his infant years of undesert.   

TRAVAYLERS BY LAND and Sea.  
A traveling Gentleman being returned home out of Italy discoursed to a friend of his a very unlikely accident that had befallen him by the way. Whereat his page standing by, said: I beseech your worship give me leave to believe it.  
In a common between two Alehouses stood a fair stone cross, and two Gentlemen riding by it, the one of them said: See where stands a cross between two thieves. One of the Alehouse, hosts overhearing him say so, was all in a pelting chafe, and foully taunted the Gentleman therefore: Who answered: Why (my friend) thou art the good thief.  
Two travailers met together at an Inn, and a fat Capon was served up to their board: At dinner time one asked th'other, whether he had a father living or no: He answered, no: And withal told him a long discourse how, and where, and how long since his father died: Mean time th'other eat up the best of all the Capon: Which the tale-teller at last perceiving, half angry, said unto him: Now that you have heard the discourse of my father's death: I pray you tell me, have you also ere a father living: He answered: No▪ Now I pray you then tell me (quoth th'other) how he died: He very earnest at his victuals, briefly answered: Suddenly, very suddenly.  
A Mastiff dog slew upon a passenger, and he with the pike of his staff ran him into the guts, and killed him: The owner of the dog hereupon commnced his action against the par●ie: And the matter being brought to the upshot, the judge asked him, why he did not rather strike the dog with the wood end of the staff, then with the pike: he answered: And like your Honour, he slew at me with his teeth, not with his tail.  
Don john de Figueroa used to say: That he that evermore allegeth in his conversation other men's sayings, is like a gouty nail, that cannot enter the wood, except an augar make the way before.  
A travailer meeting a country man, asked him the way to such a place: The country man told him, & withal brought him partly on his way, and as they road together, he took exceptions to the travailers bag, which he wore sagging down his belly before, and said: It is the manner of this country to wear bags at our sides, not upon our bellies, as you do. Whereunto the travailer answered: I wear it thus, because I suppose there are a many thieves in this country.  
An old man traveling to a far country, and being some eight or nine days journey on his way, all hot and pursy as he was, wrote a letter to his wife, in which he said. As for my health (wife) I am well (I thank God) hitherto, only I find my breath somewhat short, in so much as I dare assure me, if ever I die, it will be for want of breath, and nothing else.  
A waterman feried a Gentleman over a river, who was booted and spurted, and went to take horse on th'other side the water; to whom the Gentleman said: How chanceth it (my friend) that thou workest this day, being ascension day? he answered: It seems (sir) your Worship means to ride to day.  
An Ostler taking a Gentleman's boots down to make clean: The Gentleman said unto him. I pray thee (fellow) let my boots alone, for th'old dirt will serve to keep out the n●w.  
Two travailers scoorst horses with one another, & when they had done, th'one of them said: Now at a word, you have as errant a jade as ever went on four legs: for he is foundered he hath the scratches, he is broken wound, etc. Th'other answered: Then have I but mine own again.  
One travailing on a frosty morning through a country village, was set upon by a great Mastiff: He stooping for a stone to throw at him, and feeling it hard frozen to the earth, said: A pox on the country where stones are tied, and dogs let lose.  
A plain Gentleman riding upon a lean large horse, a Gallant that met him, asked him what a yard of his horse was worth: With that he bid his man alight, and lift up his horse tail unto him, and then he answered. Enter into the shop, and they within will show you.  
A travailer affirming that he saw a cole-wort so monstrous huge that 500 men on horsbacke might stand in her shade. An other answered: And I for my part did once see a Cauldron so wide, that 300. men wrought therein, every one distant twenty yards from other. Then the Colewoort-lyar asked him, to what use that Cauldron was made: he answered. To seethe your Colewoort in.  
A travailer used to tell monstrous lies of his journeys, and of the places and things he had seen. And being one day in conversation with many Gent. & boasting that he had seen these & these places: One of them said unto him: Belike you are seen in Cosmography: No (he answered) I never was in that City yet, but indeed I remember I once travailed in sight of it, leaving it somewhat on the left hand, but such was my haste, that I overpast it, as I have done many a fair city more in my days.  
One accompanied another many days together about his affairs, and finding himself not duly complied withal for such his courtesy, upbraided him with his foresaid travail: Whereunto th'other answered. As much went I with you, as you with me.  
One that had been whipped at a cart's tail for a misdemeanure fled his country for very shame, and embarked away to an obscure Island in the sea, where he spent the remainder of his life: And walking one day in the high street of the town, where he remained, he chanced to see a poor fellow whipped at a Cart's tail along the street, and in compassion of his case, he said: Lord, how can this poor soul endure all this whipping cheer▪ By chance one that stood by, & knew his foresaid correction at home in his own country, answered. Even (as a man would say) as well as he that had abidden the like whipping cheer before.  
Don ivan de Vrbina used to say: That such as report news of strange countries, are like vagabonds, whose garments consist rather of patches, then of any principal piece.  
A poor young Gentleman carrying his dumb old mother before him upon a Mu●e; the Duke of Nazareth overtook him on the way, and he thinking it good manners to bear the Duke company, the rather because he had a Gentlewoman before him, offered to press near him, to th'end to ride cheek by jowl by him: His old mother being more considerate, and seeing his folly, spurned the Mule as hard as she could out of the way: But the wisacre her son seeing her do so, thought that she did it to hasten the rather near unto the Duke: whereupon he in that conceit set spurs to the Mule ●o fiercely, that the Mule waxed stark mad withal, and in his fury ran into a ditch, where (in the Duke's sight) he threw them both down, viz. the mother undermost with all her clothes about her ears, and her son upon her, and the Mule upon them both.  
Gonzalo Fernandes arriving safe a shore in Spain after a great tempest, and looking back to the sea, he espied an other ship tending to the same shore, and upon the poop of it a gallant clad all in crimson Velvet: Whereupon Don Diego de Mendoza, ask him who he thought that might be: He answered: It is Santelmus, who never appeareth but after a tempest.  
In a perilous storm at sea, a passenger of the company, whiles all the rest were a weeping and praying, and making humble vows to God for their safeties, fell hard to his victuals: And being for such his impiety reprehended, he answered: Being to drink by and by so great a draft of water, is it not meet (trow ye) that I victual my paunch well aforehand?  
A Passenger at sea feeling his stomach rise, said to the master of the ship: I pray hold still the ship a while, till I vomit.  
A ship sailing toward Peru, a mighty storm arose and endangered it: Whereupon the Captain charged every man to throw into the sea, the heaviest thing he could best spare, to the end to lighten somewhat the ship. A passenger that had his wife there, offered then to throw her over board, but the company rescued her: And being asked what he ailed so to do, he answered: She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her.  
One counseled his friend to pass along by sea from Newcastle to London, affirming that with a good wind he might arrive there both sooner than by land, & with half the charge. Th'other answered: No, I list not ride upon a horse that goes an end, and that I cannot alight off him at all seasons when I list myself.  
A waterman affirmed, that all boats were females: And his reason was, because folk use to enter into them.  
A ship being by mischance set on fire upon the coast of Peru, and past all recovery, a soldier threw himself into the sea, and said: Some roast, some sod.  
A Fishmonger in a tempest at sea, seeming to fear drowning, The Mariners asked him, whether he feared to be eaten of Fishes; He answered: No, rather may Fishes fear me.  
One praying his friend to lend him his cloak: The other answered: Seing it rains not, what need ye ere a cloak? and if it should rain, why then should I need it myself.   

OF POLITICIANS.  
A Politician wont to say: Who so deceives me once, God forgive him; If twice, God forgive him, and God forgive me; But if thrice, still God forgive him, but never forgive me.  
One used to say, that men now a days make more of all things, than our forefathers did, all but our graves.  
One would needs prove that men now a days are wiser than men of old time, and his reason was: Because they could remedy evil but only with good, but men now adays can remedy one mischief with another.  
One used to say: That it is always good to miss a friend before he be missing.  
One used to say: Better be poor at the beginning, then at the latter ending.  
Philip Duke of Burgundy was wonted to say: Of great personages speak neither good nor bad: For if thou speak good of them, happily thou belie●t them; if evil, thou mayst repent it.  
A Politician always wished his enemy these three advantages, viz. A just plea in law, to love such as wish him ill, and to win at the beginning of play.  
A politician advising a young Gentleman to deal doublie, and dissemble twenty manner of faces in the affair he had in hand: He answered: I list not slave my ●elfe to so many faces, for that one good face is both better worth, and a great deal easier to represent  
A Politician advising a well disposed person to counterfeit a patiented behaviour toward such a ones extreme rudeness, seeing he was likely in time to receive some benefit at his hands, if he please him well: Th'other answered: I list not slave myself to advantages.  
The Italians use to say, De che me ●lo, me guard Iddio: De ch● no me fio, me guardare Io: That is,  
A feigned friend God shield me from his danger,  
For well I'll save myself from foe and stranger.   

OF SUTE AND SUITORS.  
ONe Henry Goldingham that had long sued to her Majesty for her Sign to his granted suit and her Majesty still saying that she had no pen and ink at hand to do it, at last he humbled his Bill to her highness foot, and said: May it then please your Majesty but to step your royal foot hereupon, and I myself will then warrant it for good. Her Majesty so well liked of such his merry conceit, that presently calling for pen and ink did deign to sign it.  
The Cardinal Don Pedro Gonzales being 80. years old, a servitor of his as old, or rather older than himself, besought him of the Alcaldeship of Canales, an office which was lately fallen into his grant: Whereunto the Cardinal answered, that he was sorry he had spoken so late, forasmuch as he had already granted it to another, promising that the next that fell, he should have it without all fail: Oh my good Lord (replied the servitor) but what thing in this world can sooner fall void then your Grace or I?  
An Italian Captain in the Low-cuntries besought the Duke of Parma of an unreasonable suit, which the Duke refused him: and he humbly thanked his Altez therefore: Whereat his friends and fellows by marvelling, he said: Even humble thanks for that his Excellence hath so speedily dispatched me.  
A young Nobleman in Spain, suing a Duke for his Duchy, in the midst of all his law, fell in love with a very mean Gentlewoman, whose name was Blank, and married her forthwith: Whereat his father was in a great chafe, and said: The fool suing for a Dukedom, would he be pleased with a Blank?  
A poor man was an humble suitor to a Gentleman, who said unto him: I pray thee (fellow) be gone, for thy breath stinks miserably of garlic: He answered: Not I Sir, happily it is my suit that stinks unto you.  
A Gentleman passing along under his Mistress window, she chanced (spitting out thereat) to spit upon him, and forthwith perceiving her amiss, craved pardon of him therefore; who answered: Forsooth (Lady) a Fisherman wets and dables himself all day long, and perchance catcheth but shrimps in the end: and I to catch so fair a Trout as you, do you think I can loath so slight a dew? Faith no.  
A reverend person besought a largesse of a Prince for a friend of his, and the Prince refused it him: he nevertheless still entreated & it would not be, till at last, humbling himself upon his knee at the prince's foot, with much entreaty he obtained it: A many gentlemen standing by, condemned such his too much baseness, considering his gravity and wisdom, & told him, that he had therein greatly discredited his reverence & magnanimity: He answered: That is not my fault (Gentlemen) but the princes, whose ears (as you see) are in his heels.  
One besought a judge for justice, and thus he said: My good Lord, whereas the injury that such a one hath done me, is very hell. Now, howsoever it shall please your L. to end the matter, I will account it heaven.   

OF GAME AND GAMESTERS.  
A Lady had an unthrifty son, and she being to take water on a time, and seeing the billows rough, and the wind high, ●aid unto him: Son, if I drown to day, I pray thee play not away my clothes till I be buried.  
One used to say, that dice and purging pills were of like nature: ●or that a little of th'one purgeth a man's paunch thoroughly, and as little of the other a man's purse.  
One dispraised Dice, and said, that Dicers are worse than Usurers for that they with a hundred get but ten: but Dicers with ten▪ happily get a hundred.  
A Captain and a Merchant played at dice, & the Captain lost, and swore lustily ever and anon: At last having lost all, he snatched it all away from the merchant again: Whereat the merchant amazed, stood trembling and said: Captain, if you meant I should not carry away any win, what a●l'd you to swear, and rage so at every word.  
Hernando Gonzales wonted to say: That a great gamester could hardly be an honest man, because he both hears that in play, which he may not well abide, and uttereth that which others may no less abide.  
One asked a great Dicer of a pale complexion, what was the reason he still looked so pale and wan: He answered: So looks the money I lost at play.  
One asked another what Gallant that was, that passed by so bravely towards the Court, so stately mounted, and attired all in gold: Marry (quoth he) it is one master N. a Gentleman that maintains himself so gallant as you see, only by play. By play? (replied the other) In truth I have not seen any, that hath so well redressed his own defaults by others defaults.  
A friend advisd a great gamester his kinsman to give over play, affirming that it was a great sin, and a folly both: Whereunto th'other answered: Rather is it an especial virtue, and a singular remedy against all the seven deadly sins. For first, how can that man be proud (trow ye) who after having lost an hundred or a thousand pounds at dice with a Nobleman, will afterward be so humble, as to venture his Tester with a Lackey? Or how can that man be covetous, that cannot safeguard his utmost penny from play? Or how can he possibly be lusty to women, that continually tires himself out at play? Or how can he be a glutton, that dare not bestow a Tester on his belly, for fear he should want it at play? Or how can he be envious of other men's goods, that is so careless of his own? Or how can he be easily angry, that puts up a thousand curses every night, for sitting up so late at play? Or how can he be accounted slothful, that sits up whole days and nights at play, and never lins playing?  
One discommending bull-bayting in Spain with darts, where the bull is suffered to run lose: and his reason was: Because it teacheth men to run away.  
Pedro Mexia a Spanish Croniographer, wont to say, that belike it is a shameful thing to run at the ring, seeing none do it bare-faced, but with their bevers down.  
A Gentleman who did greatly stut & stammer in his speech, playing at Maw, laid down a winning card, and then said unto his partner: How sa-ay ye now, wa-was not this ca-ca-ard pa-as-assing we-we-well la-a-ayd: Yes (answered th'other) It is well laid, but yet it needs not half this cackling.  
A Moor viewing the bull baited with darts in an enclosed compass of ground, where both the Bull & the men fought loosely and in danger: A Spaniard asked him how he liked that sport: He answered: Too little for earnest, and too much for jest.  
A greasy companion lost his money at cards, and in his rages still said: The Deu'st take me: At last a slander by hearing him say so▪ answered: So would he (I warrant you) were it not for fear of your bird-lime.  
A cogging companion ask a civil Gentleman, whether he would play with him at dice: He answered: No, with no such lucrative fellows as you.  
A Gamester ought a Gentleman (a friend of his) five pounds, and having lost all his money at dice, sent to borrow 5 pounds more, by the token that he ought him already five pounds: Whereunto the Gentleman thus answered the messenger: Bid your Master send me the token, and then I'll send him the five pounds.   
The end of the first part of this book.   

Wits, Fits, and Fancies. The second Part.  

OF POPES AND PRELATES.  
IT was discoursed at the table of Pope Alexander the sixth, whether Physicians were necessary in a common wealth, yea or no: some affirming that Rome being six hundred years and odd without them, the Citizens lived in good health, and lusty all that while: And therefore a kind of cattle, that might very well be spared in a commonwealth. Not so (said the Pope) rather are they right necessary (in my opinion) for without them the world would increase so fast, that one could not live by an other.  
An old servitor of a Pope besought him of the archbishopric of Silence in the Isle of Serdinia, the said suppliant being a very talkative and prating man: Whereunto the Pope answered: Trust me, you have no reason to crave that Sea of all others, being it will evermore approve you a liar.  
A Cardinal complained unto Pope Clement the seventh, how one Michael Angelo his painter in a picture which he had drawn of Doomsday in S. Peter's chapel at Rome, had therein figured him in hell amongst the damned, beseeching him to bid it be altered to some other favour: Whereunto the Pope answered: Well you wots, I can release a soul out of Purgatory but not out of hell.  
Pope Adrian the sixth was minded to have thrown Pasquins' image into Tiber, thereby to take away all occasion of libeling, which was then used in Rome in the person of that Image: Whereunto the Duke of Sesa answered: If your Holiness throw Pasquin into Tiber, out of doubt he will turn to a Frog, and then will he croak both day & night, whereas now his clamour is but only in the day time.  
Friar Frances Symenes being created Cardinal and Archbishop of Toledo, wrote to an especial friend of his of such the high honour he was called unto, & of his good success: Whereunto the Gentleman answered, that as concerning his Grace's particular, he was glad he had attained so sovereign a dignity; for that his virtues did deserve no less: But as for himself, he was sorry that by such his grace's promotion he had lost so great a friend: As much to say, as true friendship can be but amongst equals.  
A certain man of Osma in Spain having his case to be discussed and adjudged by the Cardinal Symenes his deputy in the town of Alcala, took exceptions to the said judge, as one whom he thought favoured not his case, & therefore besought his grace to assign him some other Judge either of Madryl or Guadalajara: Whereunto the Cardinal gainsaying, & ask him what sufficienter man he thought was in Madryl or Guadalajara to determine his matter than his foresaid deputy in Alcala. To this the man of Osma replied: And like your grace there was one found in Tordelaguna, who was worthy to be a Cardinal & Archbishop of Toledo (meaning the Cardinal himself who was born in that poor parish) And then doth your Grace think that neither Madryl nor Guadalajara can afford a sufficient judge of my plea?  
A Cardinal passing along the street, and being saluted by a band of soldiers with much shot, so as the smoke was very thick & unsavoury: one of his Gent. besought him to hasten somewhat faster from out that fume: Oh no (answered the Cardinal) this is the sent that pleaseth me above all the incense in the world.  
The Cardinal Symenes being deputed high governor over all Spain in the Emperor Charles his absence, & understanding at last, that the Emperor was now landed again on the coast: At this present news he disposed all the treasure he then had in his hands to the College of Alcala, and to other Church uses, as though that Spain now needed no treasure for her defence, so long as the Emperor was there arrived in person. And as concerning the said treasure he said, that if an Angel from heaven should have told him before the emperors landing, that his Majesty would not rid him thereof at his arrival, he would have thought him some devil in an Angel's shape: And that now no less would he think him a Devil that should come and tell him that the Emperor would not acquit him thereof, having disposed it to so good uses.  
The foresaid Cardinal never bestowed benefice upon any that came to beg it at his hands: It chanced on a time that a priest hearing of a rich benefice that was newly fallen in his country, and being very liquorish thereof came unto him, and thus bespoke him: Most reverend Sir, forasmuch as well I wots your Grace never bestows benefice upon any that craves it at your hands, I give you to understand that in my country there is a benefice fallen into your grant, which would very well besteed me, by reason it is near the place where I was borne. Now I humbly beseech your Grace's good advise how I may come by it. Well (answered the Cardinal) you shall have it, & forthwith he commanded his Secretary to draw him out a fair collation, which was done, and he had it.  
The Cardinal Don Pedro Gonzales de Mendoza upon a Christmas morning offered at a Mass an entier Altar-suit, so rich, as it was valued at eighteen thousand Crowns, and after his said Offertory ended, kneeling down before the Altar, he there remained a good space in humble prayer and tears: Which the Marquis of Cenete seeing, came to him, & said: Reverend Father, I beseech you weep no more, for I'll undertake to get you the whole suit restored you again.  
The said Cardinal seeing a Priest carrying a cudgel under his gown, said unto him: It ill beseems your habit to bear a weapon about you: Whereunto the Priest answered and protested, that he bore it not in quarrel against any Christian creature in the world, but only to defend himself against the dogs of that town, which he found to be fierce and angry curs▪ Oh (replied the Cardinal) & wherefore (I pray you) then serves S. john's Gospel? He answered: True (my Lord) but these cur●es understand no Latin; and therefore against them am I feign to bear this defence, as you see.  
The Cardinal Don Alonso Manrique spent much, and owed much: There was in his Church a Cannon, who was so good a fellow that he seldom eat at home, & yet nevertheless retained a Steward in continual standing wages: Whereupon the Cardinal upon a time merrily ask him what he meant to keep a Steward, having so little use to put him to: The Cannon no less merrily answered: Your Grace hath great reason, for in sooth (my Lord) my Steward and your Treasurer may very well be whipped at a Cart's tail for vagabonds.  
A Gentleman of Cardinal Wolsey making way before his Lord as he passed through the church, & seeing a poor priest kneeling at his prayers in the way, raised him up, saying: Room for my Lord cardinals Grace: Whereupon the priest rose up and said: Will his Grace (trow ye) supply my place?  
A Bishopric ●as bestowed upon one that seemed to be a man of good life, but was not generally so reputed: And the Cardinal Loyasa greeted him thus: My Lord, God send you joy; and I am glad you are provided of a Sea, before your hypocrisy be fully ended.  
Don Alonso Cartillio, a Spanish Archbishop, his household expense was so excessive, that on a time his Steward telling him, that except he took some more moderate course of living his rents could not possibly maintain it: Well, (answered the Archbishop) set me down then what mean you would have me observe in this matter: Whereunto the steward replying, that it might please his Grace to put away all idle persons, and retain only necessary ones: Well (replied the Prelate) but give me then a note of such as you judge necessary, and another of the unnecessary. The steward did so: Then the morrow after the Bishop commanding all his household before him into his great hall, willed his steward to set his necessary servants in a row by themselves on the one side, and the unnecessary ones likewise several by themselves on the other side; which being done, he then said unto his steward: These necessary ones which you have here placed, I have need of them all, & these others (I tell thee) they have all need of me: Wherefore necessary and unnecessary, I will still retain them all.  
A poor widow that had her only daughter to bestow, humbly besought the aforesaid Archbishop of his bounty towards her preferment. The Bishop was content, and calling for pen and ink, wrote a warrant down into the country to his steward to deliver her fifty pounds, thinking indeed he had written but five pounds: When the steward saw the bill, he strait took horse and road up to the Bishop, and told him: Your Grace hath awarded yonder poor widow fifty pounds for her daughter, and so it is that I have not so much in hand. No (said the Bishop) what not poor five pounds? Yes five, and like your Grace (answered the steward) but your assignation is fifty pounds: Be it fifty pounds then (replied the Bishop) for sure not I, but God or some of his good Angels set it down so: Wherefore no more ado, let her have it. With that the steward was feign to borrow it, and she had it.  
The Archbishop of Cullen riding along the plain all rounded about with men of war, & himself most brightly glittering in Arms: A Swain ploughing thereabouts laughed to see him so: Which the Prelate perceiving, commanded him strait before him, and asked him why he laughed so: Marry I laugh (answered the Peasant) to see an Archbishop so souldiourly gallant. Why sirrah (said the Bishop) I am thus as a Duke, not as an Archbishop or a priest: Even so Sir (replied the swain) now I pray then, crack me this nut, Were my L. Duke at the devil, where (trow ye) were my L. Archbishop then?  
The Archbishop of Granada, saying to the Archbishop of Toledo that he much marveled he being so great a State would visit Hospitals, and perform to the sick and needy such a deal of drudgery as daily he did. Marvel not hereat (answered the good Bishop) but rather well weighing with yourself, what is the true dignity and duty of a pastor, wonder at the many good duties I do omit.  
A Spanish Bishop riding on the way saw a shepherd sunning himself under a bank, and thus he bespoke him: I marvel much (shepherd) that shepherds now a days are not like as they were in times past, when there were of them great Prophets and great kings in the world, and to them it was that the Angel first denounced the nativity of our saviour jesus Christ afore all others. Oh Sir (answered the shepherd) neither are Bishops now a days like to those good ones of old time at divers of whose deaths the bells did ring of themselves, and now can scarce be made to tolle but with many men's strength.  
A Bishop sent half a dozen of Capons to an Abbot, and the bearer eat one of them to his dinner by the way: Now when th' Abbot had read the Bishop's letter, which certified that he had sent him six Capons, he then said unto the messenger. My lad, I pray thee tell my Lord Bishop, I humbly thank his Lordship for five Capons, and as for the sixth, give thou him thanks for it thyself.  
A Bishop's Chaplain helping his Lord on with his Rochet, and being somewhat long a drawing on the sleeves: Why when? (said the Bishop) me thinks you are very tedious about this gear. And like your Grace (he answered) your sleeves are very strait. Very strait indeed (replied the Bishop) for well I wots, full twenty years have I travailed to get them on, and till this present time could I never attain to do it.  
In a solemn festivity which was holden at Guadalajara in Spain, two Gentlemen appeared to the multitude in Clergy attire, to discharge unto them some Church-merriment, and being demanded in a Bishop's name, who was there present, who they were: We are (quoth they) two Archdeacon's of the Church of Utica, and so tell your Lord: The said Bishop being prelate of that place.  
Bishop Gardener being deprived of his Bishopric, one thus saluted him in derision: Farewell Bishop olim● He answered: Gramercy Knave semper.  
Lord Cromwell reproaching Bishop Gardener being deprived of his Bishopric by the King, said: Where is now (Sir Bishop) all your Gloria patri become? He answered: Even as it hath pleased the King my Liege: Nevertheless, sicut erat in principio, so am I still (my Lord) as good a gentleman as yourself.  
A Chanonrie of the Church of Cuencae was fallen into the Bishops grant, and a certain scholar, who had before time translated out of Latin into Spanish the vain works of Tostado became an humble suitor to the Bishop for it; which the Bishop denied him, saying: It is no cream to be eaten with Tostadoes, viz. Tostes.  
One besought a worshipful Gentleman to be a means for him to a Bishop to forgive him a certain dribbling debt: The Gentleman answered: His power is to bind, not to lose.  
One Friar Rapiero, a famous preacher, had a petty Bishopric bestowed upon him in th'isle of Corsica: And one pitying his no higher preferment, said: Alas, it is too small a pommel for such a Rapier.  
The Cardinal Don Alonso Cartillio enjoined his jester to bring him at every months end a chronicle of all merry matters that had happened in the mean time: The Cardinal within a while after entertained an Alchemist, to whom being but newly come, he delivered a thousand Crowns to go to Toledo to buy him all manner of implements belonging to that Arte. In which mean time he called for his foresaid Chronicler to know what occurrents were befallen that month. Then the jester among other fooleries, read unto him what a monstrous folly he himself had committed, to trust a stranger with a hundred crowns, whom happily he should never see more: Whereunto the Cardinal answered: But what if he do come again, how then? Marry then (replied the Chronicler) will I put you out, and put him in your place.  
A Physician had a big fat Bishop in cure, who was somewhat distempered with a lightness in his head: And the Physician coming forth of his bedchamber in a morning, a Gentleman met him at the door, & asked him how my Lord did: Who answered: Would my Mule were half so well.  
A Pickthank telling a Prelate that such a Gentleman had highly slandered him in public; and therewithal advising him to revenge it in a very high degree: He answered: And wherefore (I pray ye then) serve these words of Christ, Mihi vindictam & ego retribuam?  
Cardinal Medici's now Duke of Florence, seeing certain jews walk Sabothly upon a Saturday in his fair garden on Mount Trinity in Rome; commanded them (in despite of such their Satterday-sabboth) to be employed all that day in servile work in his said garden, and at night made them a liberal supper of good cheer: Amongst which he caused minced Pork to be set afore them so cunningly disguised, and besauced, that unwittingly they fell to it, and eat thereof, contrary to their superstitious pork-opinion in that point: And after they had supped paid them a large day-wages, and so dismissed them: They at parting being told of the disguised pork they had eaten, were stark mad; and whereas before they held themselves guilty only of their servile labour that day (it being their Sabbath day) now were they outrageous testy at both together: And in a full stomach of detest, fling down their wages, and would none of it: But to their Synagogue they hied them, and there told their Rabbin of all the premises: Whereupon he forthwith excommunicated the Cardinal, and deeply accursed him to the pit of hell in full congregation: Which he understanding, went the next day to Pope Pius quintus, and in jest told him all the story, as aforesaid, concluding with the Rabbins excommunication and accurse against him: And withal merrily besought the Pope to release him thereof. The Pope took it in a far other sense, and greatly rebuked the Cardinal therefore, affirming that he had done a very scandalous act, so to force the conscience of a jew, they not being sheep of Christ's fold, and therefore without the liberty of his Crozier to pastorize, much less to enforce in matter of religion: So saying, he enjoined him a very severe penance, both personal and pecuniary.   

OF PRIESTS AND FRIARS.  
A Silly Friar came to a Doctor of Toledo, and told him, that he thought he had incurred irregularity, for saying to his Ass by the way as he accompanied certain prisoners to execution: Haight beast, and on a God's name: supposing that by reason thereof he had so much the sooner brought the poor prisoners to their ends: To whom the Doctor answered: In reparation of that irregularity, you must seek out the said Ass again, and as often as you said then unto him, height beast, or on a God's name, so often say unto him now, Ho beast, fair and softly a God's name.  
A Parson demanded of his Vicar the rent of three years which was behind unpaid. Whereupon the Vicar led him forth into the Churchyard, (it being wholly overgrown with grass) and then he said: How think you sir, I can possibly pay you rend for such land, as (I assure you) hath laid waste this whole three years day?  
A Confessor coming to visit a sick poor woman in bed, and after having heard her confession, and given her good ghostly advise to Godward: At his departure the poor widow willed her maid to give him the fattest Capon she had: The maid did so, and the Priest accepted it, and went his way. Shortly after the woman recovered her health, and walking abroad she miss among other her poultry this Capon, and forgetting how she had bestowed it; she called her maid to her, and asked her what was become of it: Whereunto the maid answering that she had given it in her sickness time to the priest; she said: What a foul ill, did I so? So often had I given it heretofore to the Devil when I miss it, and still it came again, and giving it but once to the Priest hath he carried it quite away?  
A great preacher ambitious of a Bishopric: On a time after his sermon ended coming down the pulpit, a Gentleman of great worship standing by, proffered him his hand to help him down: Pardon me sir (said the preacher;) may it please you rather to help me up with your friendly hand, for down (alas) I can come alone all-too easily.  
A Churchman passing along by a countrey-gentlemans' door, a Mastiffe-dogge slew at him, and all betore his cloak. The morrow after returning that way again, he chanced to see the Gentleman then standing at his gate, & this dog by him, to whom he said: Sir, either tie up your dog, or kiss his tail: Even so plain? (answered the Gentleman) Believe me, since you so friendly put it to my choice, I will rather of the two tie him up.  
A Friar following a Bishop all fair and softly after, as being much diseased with the gout: One of the Bishop's Gentlemen said unto him: On, on, Father, you need not fear falling on this fair earth. The Friar answered: Men do not fall because they fear falling, but they fear lest they should fall.  
A Spanish Friar having granted unto him a Bishopric in India: He thus bespoke the emperors Secretary, that drew the assignation. Sir, because I know how dangerous a thing a Bishopric is to one that knows not how to discharge his pastoral duty therein as he ought, and knowing withal my own insufficiency in that behalf, I am verily of opinion, that for me to be a Bishop were my high way to hell. And in sooth to go to hell by India is a great way about: Wherefore I pray you assign me some nearer Sea, or none at all.  
A famous Preacher, who had long sued for a Bishopric, and could not attain to any, used to say, that out of doubt if it reigned miters, not any one would light upon his head.  
One Friar invited another to his Cell to dinner, and upon some occasion the invitant Friar sent forth his boy, and then said unto th'other: The world reports you the son of a Gentleman, and for my part I verily think no less, so trim and gracious is your conversation: Whereunto th'other answered: certainly if you speak this to frump me, you are much to blame, and if to commend me, why then did you send away the boy?  
The Pope and the King of Spain between them created Friar Frances Symones Archbishop of Toledo: Friar Paschall, Bishop of Burgos, and Friar Diego Desa Archbishop of Valentia, all on one day: Whereupon one merrily said, that the Pope & the King played all that day at Friers-Trump, or at Friers-Ruffe.  
A Friar that was vesting himself to Mass, a Gentleman prayed him to say a Hunter's Mass (meaning a brief Mass) With that the Friar took his Missal, and turned it all over leaf by leaf, continuing so doing a good while: Which the Gentleman thinking long, at last said unto him: I pray you Father dispatch. Me thinks you are very long a registering your Missal: Why sir, (answered the Friar) you bespoke a Hunter's Mass, and in sooth I can find no such Mass in all my Book.  
A Dominican and a Franciscan Friar traveling together on the way, arrived at a brook, where the Dominican requested the Franciscan, in as much as he was barefoot, to carry him over the water on his back: The Franciscan was content, and up he took him, and into the river he went; and being stepped into the channel, there he pawsed, & said to the Dominican: Tell me (brother) have you any money about you? The Dominican thinking that he aimed thereby at a consideration for his pains, answered: Yea marry have I a little, but not much: Much or little then (replied the Franciscan) well you wots my order allows me not to carry any money about me, though well you may. And therefore: And with that down he let slip the Dominican into the channel, where his money could not save him from being very well wet.  
The Portugals keep holy the battaile-day of Aljuberoto, in which they overthrew and slew a many thousand Spaniards in the field: Upon which festival Aniversarie day one Friar john Hurtado the King's Confessor, coming to salute his Majesty: the King said unto him: Tell me Father Hurtado, how like you this triumphant day of ours against the Spaniards? Have they any such holidays of victories against us? Oh no my Liege, (answered the Friar) they are not half so happy a people: But as for Portugal, if it should keep holy all her victories and conquests against Spain, every day in the year would be a hohy-day amongst us, whereby we should stand in danger of famine for want of working-days.  
An vnlatined Cannon hearing that the Archdeacon went about in visitation, and that he would be with him and his brethren within a day or two, sent away his whore jennet to a friend of his, & wrote him this letter withal, Ego johannes Shaa de villa Caveatis (viz. of the town of Ware) mitto ad vos hoc verbum, ut Archideabolus (viz, the Archdeacon) errat circum circa per cuntriam (viz. the country) & venit adversus nos. Quare mitto ad vos unicum meum jenettum, tam album ut lac, tam dulce ut mel, tam benign quod non potest dicere non, sed queso ne iaceas cum, Dato sibi id quod querit, & quicquid venit ad, ego soluam pro, valeto.  
An unlearned country Vicar preaching to his Parishioners against their continual Alehousrie, used this argument: Sirs (quoth he) you that love ale so well, if you witted of what bad stuff it were made, you would loath it: For it is made of a thing called Malt. Now (I pray you) what is Malt but M A L T? as much to say as M much, A ale, L little, T thrift.  
A plain country Vicar persuaded his parishioners in all their troubles and adversities, to call upon God, and thus he said: There is (dearly beloved) a certain familiar beast amongst you called a hog, see you not how toward a storm or a tempest it crieth evermore, ourgh, ourgh? So must you likewise in all your imminent troubles and dangers, say to yourselves, Lourghd, Lourghd, help me.  
One Peter Martyr, Chronicler to the king of Spain, had been a long time suitor for a Bishopric, and hearing at last that four several Confessors were provided of so many several Seas at once, he said: Faith, among so many Confessors one Martyr would very well have beseemed the company.  
A Friar whose name was Bonaduenture coming to be acquainted with an other Friar, whose name was Malaver, as much to say in English as speed ill: Bonaduenture said unto him: Lord (brother Malaver) how many seek for me and chance on you!  
Two Monks were accounted passing virtuous men, and the one of them was very fat and gross, and well complexioned, and th'other pale and megre. The Prior being asked on a time by a Nobleman what might be the reason of so different effects of virtuous living, he answered: And like your Honour, yonder fat brother thinks only of God and of the joys of heaven, and this other of death, doomsday and hell.  
One used to say, that no lineage could be accounted through ripe till it had a shorn crown on the head, viz. A priest or Friar of the name.  
A Gentleman coming early on a Christmas morning to visit a reverend Cannon in the Queer after Matins, and seeing his seat unhanged with tapistry, as all th'others were, considering both what a solemn day it was, and withal how very cold, he much marveled thereat: and asked him why he let his seat be so inglorious: With that the Cannon pointing to a poor body there by before the high Altar all bare and miserable: He answered: See ye yonder poor soul there? 'tis he will not ●uffer me to sit in seat of glory.  
One used to say that folly fats the Gentleman, and lewd conditions beleans the Clergy man.  
Don in Spanish, signifies Sir. A Friar hearing a Duke's Usher calling a many of his lords Gentlemen together, and saying Don john, Don Alonso, Don Rodriguez, etc. He adjoned And I warrant you, there is ner' a Donum Spiritussancti among all these Dons.  
A very learned preacher was condemned of too much tediousness in his sermons, in that he used oftentimes to repeat one thing twi●e: Whereupon preaching on a time he said to the people, Brethren I understand you condemn me for over tedious in my sermons, Now the truth is, I am sure very few of you understand me well the first time, and therefore am I feign to repeat it once again, and then in doing so, you say I am to tedious: And (good faith) to repeat a thing once and a half, that's worst of all, and I am sure you will like that neither.  
A Friar following a many Gentlewomen in the street who with their long trains raised up a great dust after them: At last they seeing the Friar near behind them, for reverence stood still and made him way: Who as he passed along by them said: Know ye (Gentlewomen) that the dust of the sheep is a loadstar to the Wolf.  
A Gentleman came to visit a widow Gentlewoman, & as he entered into the house, he met two Friars coming forth, and overhard the Gentlewoman saying to her maid: Yonder Friars smell like rats: The Gent. adjoined: & happily have done like rats.  
A grave Doctor that had been a long time suitor at Rome to the Cardinal of Toledo for a Chanonrie in that Church, obtained it in the end, and then presently wrote a letter to a friend of his in Toledo, giving him to understand, that whereas he had all that while gone up & down like an Ape in the streets of Rome, without ere a tail, he should now see him shortly there at Toledo like a Squerrell with tail enough. Written in reference to the long trains that those cannons wear.  
A reverend Churchman being done a secret disgrace uniustifiable by the party that did it, & he yet not knowing him, said: Ah poor despite, that makes the Author peep in his head for shame.   

OF DOCTORS, AND SCHOLARS.  
IT was a great controversy in the University of Leyden between the Physic and Law Doctors, whether of them should take place foremost at the Commencements: And a merry chancellor being deputed judge of the difference, asked them whether at an execution, the felon or the hangman ought to go foremost to the gallows: They all answered: The felon: Even so? (replied the Chancellor) Than ye Lawyers, go ye foremost as thieves, and ye Physicians follow ye after as hangmen.  
One asked a great Clerk how he might do to become wise: Who answered: In sooth (friend) I can hardly resolve you: For you still go one way, and wisdom another, that I do not see how you can possibly meet.  
A profound Doctor of Law had never in all his life been above three miles out of Salamanca, where he was both borne and bred up: And being sent for on a time by a Nobleman dwelling some two days journey thence, as concerning his advise in a weighty matter in law, & having ridden his first days journey almost to an end, he then waxed weary, and would no further: But turned back again to Salamanca, saying: I never thought the world had been so great.  
There dwelled a grave Law-Doctor in Salamanca, & a neighbour's child of his came somewhat early in a morning to crave a little fire of him: Take some my boy (he said) but wherein wilt thou carry it? Marry Sir (he answered) thus: and with that he laid a quantity of ashes upon the palm of his hand, and the the coals thereupon, and so went his way. The Doctor wondered hereat, and swore, that with all the learning he had, he could not have devised so trim a sleight.  
Punta in Spanish signifies a Size, and also a stitch. An ignorant Spanish Doctor came to a shoemaker, and bespoke a pair of shoes for his son: & the shoemaker asked him of what Punta, viz. what size: Marry (quoth he) that can I not yet show you, but I will go home and see, and bring you word in the afternoon: Home he went, and calling for a pair of his sons old shoes, he unripped all the stitches thereof, and told how many there were of them: and then after dinner he went again to the shoemaker, and said: My sons shoes are of the 64. Puntas, viz. stitches.  
One was telling a Dunsicall Doctor how such a man was a great scholar, but a very fool; he marvelled greatly thereat, and said: Well I wots, a man may be unlearned, but how learning may be without a man I cannot imagine.  
A Doctor coming to reform the University of Salamanca, one scholar asked another, whether he would also reform the University clock: No (answered th'other) for Par in parem non habet imperium.  
A big Doctor passed along with seven petty scholars at his heels: One that saw it, said: Lo yonder the Moon and the seven stars.  
A Graduate of Salamanca was to ride before a Gentlewoman, and for manners sake would needs have her get up first, which she refusing to do, the more he urged her, and would needs have it so, so absurd was his schollerly civility.  
A Countryman suspecting Legier de main between his daughter and a young shepherd, came to a Doctor who was famed for a great Soothsayer in that country, and presented him a couple of Capons, and told him all his foresaid jealousy, craving withal to be forthwith resolved thereupon Then the Doctor took a great book, and turned over a many leaves, and made a great mumble to himself as seeming to conjure: At last taking his spectacles off his nose: he asked the countryman both their ages: who answering that his daughter was fifteen years old, and the shepherd three & twenty: Then the Doctor said: If it be so (friend) byrladie I do not deny, but it may be so in deed; and so dismissed him.  
A grave Doctor discoursing unto two vain Gallants upon a point of natural Philosophy, and one of them saying, that he understood ne'er a word he said: He answered: No marvel, for empty barrels never sink down to the bottom.  
One Doctor Villiabos saying grace before the Emperor Charles, did it silently: Whereunto a vain Gallant afterward excepting, & saying that it were much better if he spoke it out: He answered: Make me but a fool, and I'll speak as loud as you: but it will mar the grace quite.  
One Doctor Matthew, a famous Preacher in Salamanca, was a very little man: And one seeing him pass along in the street, called him in jest, Minimus Apostolorum: Which he overhearing, merrily answered; Yet is Matthew maximus Euangelistarum.  
One that had a great good memory and was very eloquent and had withal but little learning: an other thus bejested him saying: That he had rock and spindle enough, but the Devil a whit of yarn.  
A Master of Art (amongst others) baited the Bull with darts, and traversing along by the Duke of Infantasgo his scaffold, who knew both him and his little learning, said: And like your Grace the Cusp of a dart dulls not literature: True (answered the Duke) especially his, who hath but a little.  
In the edge of an evening one Scholar said unto another: Det tibi Deus bonum sero. The other answered: Et tibi malum cito.  
A puny Scholar in a College, a great dish of broth was set before him at dinner with a pease in it: And he seeing it, began strait to untruss his points: And being asked why he did so: He answered: I will go swim at yonder pease.  
A thin slice of cheese was set before a scholar, who as soon as he saw it, laid his finger upon his mouth, & being demanded why he did so, he answered: Lest my breath should blow it away.  
A many Scholars went to steal Coneys, and by the way they warned a novice among them to make no noise for fear of skarring the Coneys away: At last he espying some, said aloud in Latin: Ecce Cuniculi multi: And with that the Coneys ran into their berries: Wherewith his fellows offended, and chiding him therefore, he said: Who (the Devil) would have thought that Coneys understood Latin.  
A Repetitor in a College of Coimbria asked a Logick-Scholler, Quid est prima? He answered: Four Cards of four several suits.  
A Scholar of Salamanca wrote to his father to buy him a book entitled, Digestum vetus: And the silly man returned him this answer: (Son) Vetus me no Vetusses, but let it be span new, and therefore do I here send you twice the price of it: do buy it yourself.  
A Scholar was commending a Doctor's wife (who had sometimes been a Familiar of their College) affirming that she was passing discreet, and of good deportment: Another answered: No marvel if she be so, having a Familiar.  
A petty Channonrie was fallen void in the Church of Alcala, and according to the manner there, a bill was set up upon the Church door to advertise any man of it that would be willing, and withal should be thought sufficient to be admitted thereunto: By chance a scholar passing by, and reading it, said: Alas poor Chanonrie, art thou so weak as to lean against a wall?  
One that had a fair Library, and seldom or never betook himself to study, another said unto him: It seems that you and your books are at a truce.  
One being asked whether he thought such a man literat, or no: He answered. I, his letters are like plain song, few and gross  
The Marquis of Santelliana wonted to say, that we rest much bound to good Authors, because they both diswarne us from vice, and advise us to virtue.  
Platon in Spanish signifies a platter, also it is the Spanish name for the great Philosopher Plato: A profound scholar, and an other being in rages, th'other threw a great Platon, viz. a platter at the scholar, and sore broke his head: One coming by in the mean time, and seeing the scholar so highly disgraced said to th'other: You have done you know not what, in misusing so great a scholar: Th'other answered: Well may he now prove a great scholar indeed: for well I wots, he hath had a great Plato, viz. a Plato on his head.   

OF POETS AND MUSICIANS.  
THe Earl of Orgas used to say that he is a fool that cannot make a Ballad, and a more fool that doth make a ballad.  
One Garci Sanchez a Spanish Poet, became distraught of his wits with overmuch levity, and at the rhyme of his distraction was playing upon a Bandore. Now, certain months after being partly come to himself again, he was invited to play before a great magistrate of the town, and he played upon the self same instrument: which after that he had done, he delivered it up to the said Magistrate, saying: So, now am I glad to see thee in the hands of justice, that wroughtst me so much woe.  
A scholar presented a gratulatory new-yeer unto sir Thomas Moor in prose: And he reading it, and seeing how barren & senseless it was, asked him whether he could turn it into verse: He answered yes: With that Sir Thomas Moor delivered it him again so to alter: Who within a two days after, came and brought it him all in verse: Which Sir Thomas Moor reading, and noting the time, said: I marry, now is here rhyme I see, whereas before was neither rhyme nor reason.  
One seeing an excellent Poet crooked and deformed of person, said: Lord, what a poor cottage doth yonder good wit inhabit!  
A serving-man served in a Kid's head to his master's board, and by the way eat up all the brain of it: Whereupon his master ask what was become of the brain: He answered: Sir, it is a Musition-kid.  
A scholar playing on the Bandore, one requested him to sing thereunto some curious fine song: He than began, Nominatino, hic, hec, hoc: Genetivo huius, etc.  
One said of Musicians that they were the happiest craftsmen of all others, because they earn money with making themselves merry.  
A Musician was offered good exhibition in a Cathedral Church, and he refused it and went to another place: Within a year after he came thither again, having his voice much impaired, and there offered his service upon the conditions which he formerly refused: Answer was made: Where you wasted your steel, there go waste your iron.  
A poor Knight of small revenue retained a consort of Viols in his house, and ask at dinner time a Gentleman a guest of his how he liked of his music: He answered: They play well, only they want dancers.  
A Portugez had hired a Musician to play and sing for him at his Mistress window: The Musician did so, and sung her a sonnet, whereof part went thus: Fair mistress, hither am I come for you: Wherefore vouchsafe to pity me now. etc. The Portugez waxed jealous heerat, and all to bombasted the poor fellow, saying: What (villain) thou come for her? and she to pity thee? I marry shall she, go hang thee thou errand knave.  
A Portugez played music at his mistress window, and she unkindly threw stones at him and drove him away: A friend of his being then with him, and seeing his extreme melancholy thereat; bemond him, saying: What greater honour could betide you, than stones to fly about your music, and give it audience as they did to Orpheus?  
A Gent. made music at his masters window, and sung her a song which began thus, My secret passions, etc. another Gentlewoman being then in place, and hearing him begin so, said: Belike your servant is sick of the piles.  
A Prince's Musician begged of his Altez the Captainship of the castle of Tail, and it was denied him: Whereupon being called within a while after to sing before the Princess, he refused to come: Then the Princess ask a Gentleman that stood by, what the fool ailed: He answered: And like your Highness, he hath vowed never to sing more without a Tail.  
One used to say, that a fool and a dancer differ but in this, That a fool is a fool all his life, and a Dancer but whiles he danceth.  
One hearing th'Organs in a Church upon a Wednesday in Lent, contrary to the due of that season, said, that it was like a Mellownes in winter.  
A miser-Nobleman turned away his Musicians, and willed them the next morning that they were to departed, to come and play him their last farewell under his window: They did so, and when they had all done, he paid them but their bare wages, and so dismissed them: Whereupon one of them at parting said unto him: And like you Honour, so great misery deserves bagpipes.  
A Cannon ask a singing man who had but a shallow beard, how far his hawk could fly without bells: (meaning that he thought he might starve but for his singing.) The singing-man answered: Even as far as yours without his hood: So answered in reference to the hood he wore.  
A Gentleman that played very well upon the Bandore, and had but a bad voice, played and sung in an Evening under his Mistress window, and when he had done, asked her how she liked his music: She answered: You have played very well, and you have sung to.  
An old Piper used to say: If my auditors witted how much I delight myself in the music I make them, they would rather look that I should give them somewhat, than they give me.  
A poor Musicians hose hung loosely about him for want of points, and playing on a time upon a Bandore before a many Gentlemen, he did it very well, & to all their good like: whereupon one of them said merrily unto him. Faith (fellow) playing so many good points upon the instrument as thou dost, bestow one upon thy hose: He answered: Your Worship having found that point, I beseech you bestow it upon me.   

OF PHYSIC AND PHYSICIANS.  
A Grave physic Doctor reading by candlelight the secrets of Nature, and finding among other things that a large and a broad beard betokens a fool: He strait took the candle in one hand, and a looking glass in th'other, and began to view what manner of beard his own was. Now, holding the candle over near: the flame set it on fire, and burned it half off. Then all in a chafe throwing down the glass, he took pen and ink, and wrote in the margin of this secret, Probatum est.  
A Vintner had taken in three or sour hogsheads of good wine, and seeing a physician pass along, he filled an Urinal half full of it, and show'd it him for a sick man's water. The physician viewing it, and tossing it up and down a good space, at last he said: that the patiented whose water that was, was full of bad humours, and had need to be purged and let blood: You Duns (answered the Vintner) it is good piss, and with that drunk it clean off, and when he had done, threw the Urinal at the Doctor's head.  
A bad Painter that never drew good picture in all his life, found small thrift in his trade for want of utterance of his rude shapes: and went to dwell in another place, where he was not known, and there took upon him the practice of physic, and was the death of many a one: At last an acquaintance of his coming to that town, chanced to see him, and ask him what he made in a Physicians rob, and why he had given over his old trade: He answered: Faith, I am now become as you see, to th'end the earth may bury all my ignorance & errors hereafter.  
An old Gentlewoman was over-careful of her sons health, who was not greatly diseased, & said to the Physician: I marvel (M. Doctor) that you cheer up my son no more, I pray you physic him daintily that he may be well again and walk abroad: Whereunto the Doctor answered: Give him then two featherbeds more.  
A delicate Gent. being somewhat sickish, sent often for the Physician to come to him, & one morning he sent for him purposely to come feel his pulse: The Doctor came and felt it, and the Gentleman then said unto him: How say ye (M. Doctor) doth not my pulse beat very softly? Yes Sir, (answered the Doctor) He that rides on an Ass must needs go fair & softly.  
A Physician sent for a Farriar to cure his horse of the Bots, and after he had done, the Doctor offered him two shillings, which the Smith tefused, saying: We fellow-craftsmen use not to take money of one another.  
One asked a Physician what was the reason, that when one passeth Doctor of physic, they put him on gilt spurs, and create him a Gentleman: He answered merrily: To warfare health.  
The Spaniards call the 7. stars the 7. goats: There was a Physick-Doctor in Salamanca, whose father was a rich country swain, and loved Kids flesh above any other meat: This swain died, and this Doctor his son coming to his funeral, his brothers requested him to tell them by his skill in Astrology what was become of their father's soul: Forth than he went in the evening, and cast his eye toward the seven Goats, & finding the full number of those stars, he sighed, and said: Dear brethren so it is, that I fear me our father is damned, for were he ascended into heaven, out of doubt he had by the way devoured some four or five of yonder Goats (pointing to the stars) so well he loved goats flesh in his life time (as ye all know) But behold, yonder may you see the full number of seven still; wherefore I greatly fear he is either descended into hell, or else is gone to heaven some far way about.  
A Doctor of physic examining a student, who was to take degree in that faculty, among other questions asked him, what was the reason that the plague-sore commonly takes men in the groin, or in the Arme-pit: He answered: Because it is the fashion.  
A Physicians son sickened, and besought his father to physic him: who answered: Son, Physic and medicines are ours to sell, not to use.  
A Gentlewoman chiding her chambermaid, said: Thou art even as filthy as a Physicians eye.  
Doctor Parra a Spanish Physician came to usite his Patiented Don Garcia Manrique, the Duke of Nazareth his son, the Duke's Muliter being also sick at the same time: They ask him what diet they should give them: He answered: Give Don Garcia half a chicken, and the Muliter a pound and a half of Beef.  
A Gentleman saying to an unlearned Physician: Whether a ways master Horseleech, whether trudge you so fast? He answered: To cure your Worship.  
One compared Physicians to hawks, which if they kill but Partridges, are valued not above thirty Crowns: If Ducks & Mallards' at fifty: if Herons at two hundred: So Physicians, if they kill but Clowns and peasants, are not greatly esteemed: if Gentl. or Knights, they are reasonable: but if they kill Lords or great states, them are they great Clerks, & highly accounted of.  
A Physician being asked what might be the reason of the stone and Stranguillion in men: he answered: Fie upon false Millers that grind with such gravely Quearnes.  
A Physician coming to feel a Lady's pulse, and thinking to do it very mannerly, as though (forsooth) he were unworthy to touch her, drew her smock sleeve over her wrist, & so felt it  
A Physician riding over Shooter's hill in Kent was afraid of thieves, and by chance he saw a far off a troup of people afore him. Whereupon he bid his man ride towards them, to discover what they were: Mean time he hide himself close behind a bush: The fellow coming unto them, understood that they conducted a murderer to execution: Whereupon (being a mad knave) he strait set spurs to his horse, & galloped back again amain toward his master, still beckoning unto him all the way as he posted, to be gone, and shift for himself: Which the Doctor perceiving, away he flings back again toward London, as though he had had a devil at his tail, and being alighted at his Inn, he there attended his man's coming: Who eftsoons arrived, all panting, and blowing, said unto him: Happy you (master) that are so well escaped. Gog's nouns, he to be hanged for killing only one man, what would they have done with you (I trow) who have slain so many in your days?   

OF JUSTICES, LAWYERS, and Scriveners.  
A Felon being condemned to die, said to the judge: I summon you to appear within 30. days at the Tribunal of God, to answer the injustice you have done me, and see you fail not hereof: The judge heerat smiled, & said to one that stood by: I pray you appear for me at that day, for (I assure you) I have so much business now in hand, that I shall not be able to dispatch so soon.  
A presumptuous Felon being brought to the bar, told the judge that he looked like Pilate: Whereunto the judge answered: At leastwise I will not wash my hands with Pilate to condemn so very a Varlet as thou.  
An Abbot disclaiming before a justice to the temporal law, and saying that he was to be tried by the Clergy, and not by the Laity: The justice strait willed his Mule to be seized upon for the Plaintiffs debt and then answered: At leastwise (father) your Mule is of the Laity.  
Ronquillio a Spanish justice used to say: That it is good to hang a thief of what age soever he be: a young thief to th'end he may steal no more, and an old thief for his former thefts.  
The Marquis of Santilliana commended justice, because it wins good men to applaud it, and Clemency bad men.  
In a town in the Low-countries a Spanish prisoner scaped out of prison down by a ladder, which was privily conveyed unto him by a wench which bore him good will in that town, & yet nevertheless it was his hap to be taken again: And being arraigned for the fact, it was evident that such his breach of prison was chiefly for the wench's sake: Whereupon Grave Maurice (sitting them upon the bench) merrily said unto him: Is it possible thou couldst not get up upon her without a ladder? and so pardoned him.  
A Lawyer had wasted much money about a stone-building, which was so ill contrived, as every man accounted his expense vain. A Client of his came to him for his advise in a matter of Law, & he being at that present in a chafe with his workmen, said unto him: You do this and that, and I know not what, and all off your own head, & then you blame the Lawyer for all: The Client hereunto answered: Sir, my oversight in this case is but sleight, but yours is of lime and stone.  
One coming to a Lawyer for his advise in law without ere a fee; the Lawyer said unto him: How will you have your lamp burn without oil?  
Certain countrymen came to a Lawyer to know his opinion in this case, namely, whether if they and the whole parish, being able to prove that their Curate kept a wench, he might be deposed from his cure, and another put in his place. The Doctor then asked them, whether the wench were of that parish, or a stranger: they answered, a stranger of such a place: and named where. Even so (replied the Doctor) Faith, tell me then (sirs) you knowing your Curate to be a man of such a disposition, do you not think it more tolerable that he keep a Lass of a strange place, rather than of your own parish?  
An old woman had a shee-Asse which she loved passing well, because both at mill and at market it had done her much good service along time: This old woman dying, willed her Executors to let this Ass live the remainder of her days in rest and peace from all manner labour and pains, and all the day long to run at pasture, and every night to be allowed a peck of oats: this to continue during the natural life of the said Ass. And to this effect, she bequeathed a portion of money to be disposed of from time to time in oats for the Ass, & so died. Shortly after the Ass died also: Then the old woman's son (who had a colt of the aforesaid ass) finding that the Ass at her death time had left behind her a good quantity of her allowance in oats unspent, which he lawfully demanding of the Executors, they denied to deliver him: He thereupon came to a grave Doctor in law to have his advise in the case: Whereunto the Doctor in full notice of all the matter, thus resolved him. viz. That he might lawfully enter his action against the aforesaid executors for the oats: because both he himself was heir unto his mother, as also his colt (to whose use he was chief to pretend it) was the other Asses natural issue and heir apparent. This was the Law-doctors sage opinion upon this text, which he concluded he would warrant for good law.  
One telling an honest Gentleman that he doubted not, but his friend should speed well in his Law-matter, having so good a purse, and so great friends: The Gent answered: If that be all your hope, the more is the pity.  
A widow Gentlewoman in King Henry the 7. days, gave the pheasant for her cognizance, and one Cook her adversary Attorney in Law, said at the bar in disgrace of her cause, that he doubted not ere he had done, but he would thoroughly plume her pheasant, and make it a poor bird: The Gentlewoman answered: Then is it great pity so fair a bird should fall into so foul a Cooks handling.  
Two Lawyers met the next day after the term, and th'one said to th'other: I am sure you carry full bags down with you into the country, having made so good a harvest of this Term: Not so (answered the other) rather do I think you have: For your bags (I dare say) are so topful of fees, that when you throw them down upon the board, they make no sound at all as mine do: Th'other replied: Then belike I have the odds of you in money, and you of me in music.  
A simple justice was complained unto of a wrong sentence he had given against one: And he answered: Quod esquilse, esquilse viz, Quoth scripst, scripst.  
A soldier coming to a Lawyer to have a bill drawn, The Lawyer did it: And then he offered him his sword in payment: Whereunto the Lawyer excepted, and said: Blade me no blading, but give me good gheult.  
A great Lawyer losing his money at Cards, was in a pelting chafe, and by chance a friend of his coming in, and marveling to see him so tasty: The Lawyer said: I do but canvas the error of this action.  
A miserable pettifogger and his boy traveilling up to the term, & wading through a brook, the stream was so strong that it bore him quite away: And even as his legs began to fail him, he turned back to his boy, and said: Now is it time if thou hast any thing of mine, come give it me quickly.  
The Emperor Charles at his first entry into Toledo, took an oath (according to the prerogative of that place) to preserve and secure unto the Citizens all their ancient rites and privileges inviolable, which after he had sworn, and that the towns public Notary had engrossed it of record. The said Notary then said unto him: If your Majesty please to perform what you have here sworn, God bless you: if not: God incline your heart that you may, and bless you nevertheless.  
A young Scrivener read a bill of sale to his master, and the words went thus: Be it known unto all men to whom this present bill shall come or appertain, that I, A. B of such a place, do by these presents pass, grant, give, and make over unto C.D. of such a place, all my lands and possessions lying and being in such a place, for the sum of so much money already in hand received: And heerat he paused a while to spette: Whereat his surly master (half angry & testy) said: On, on, with a mischief: Then the fellow proceeded, and read: Namely, to you and your heirs, and to all that shall or may hereafter issue from them and theirs to the world's end.  
A Scrivener was writing a merchants last will and testament, in which the merchant expressed many debts that were owing him, which he willed his executors to take up, and dispose to such and such uses. A kinsman of this Merchants then standing by, and hoping for some good thing to be bequeathed him, longed to hear some good news to that effect, and ●aide unto the Scrivener: hagh, hagh, what saith my uncle now? Doth he now make his Maundies? No (answered the Scrivener) he is yet in his demands.  
A Scrivener taking an inventory of all the goods and chattels of a dissembling jew, one willed him to set down certain flitches of Bacon that hung in his kitchen chimney: Whereunto the Scrivener answered: No, they are no movables, for I dare say, they are by this time of day deep rooted in his belief.   
The end of the second part of this book.   

Wits, Fits, and Fancies. The third Part.  

OF LOVE AND LOVERS.  
ANamorous Ass perfumed his love-letter to his mistress, and fearing lest she should neglect how sweet it was, wrote in a postscript underneath: I pray you (mistress) after you have read this letter, smell to it.  
A widow Gentlewoman hearing a young Nobleman's discourse unto her of the marriageable love he bore her daughter, and she objecting that she was too meanly descended to be wife to so great a Lord as he: He answered: A more matter is love then Lordship.  
A Gentleman seeing a fair Gentlewoman at a window, he volted and carabetted upon his horse a good space before her, and at last away he pranced: Anon after he came that way again, and did as before, and so continued a good while: At last he departed for good and all, and being come home, he sent her two bottles of Orange flower water by his page: Which the Gentlewoman accepting, said unto the page: Now, I pray thee (my Lad) thank thy master, and tell him, that I thought his evening wind would turn to water.  
A Spaniard going to a female house in Antwerp, was demanded by a friend of his, whether he went: Who answered: To practise upon a sinner in th'act of charity.  
Celestina is a dainty pastoral love-booke in Spanish, and it signifieth Celestial: A Scholar coming to visit his mistress, she desired him to help her to the said Celestina: Who answered: Yourself being the Original, what would you do with the translation?  
Fuente in Spanish signifies a fountain: Two Gent. came to visit a Gentlewoman, whose Paramour was one Senior Fuente They walking in the hall together, one of them said: Lord what a fresh house is this, I have not come in a fresher? Th'other answered: No marvel, for it hath a Fuente in it: viz. a fountain.  
A Gent. had stolen a fair maid away down at a window and a kinswoman of his asked him how they had the hearts to venture so dangerously: He answered: Our loves were so ardent that had we not conveyed ourselves out at the window for air, we had quite consumed one another.  
A Gentlewoman went to Church so concealed, that she thought no body could know her: It chanced that her Lover met her, and knew her, and spoke unto her: Sir (she answered) you mistake me, how know ye me? All too well (replied the Gent.) for so soon as I met you, behold my wounds fell fresh a bleeding: Oh hereof you only are guilty.  
One asked a Scholar how a man ought to demean himself in his first loves to his Mistress: He answered; Tell her once that you love her, and then let the Devil work the rest.  
A Gent. said unto a Gentlewoman: Fair Mistress, long have I loved you, and till now have always been abashed to declare you my Love: Alas good sir (she answered) in sooth had you told me of your love even at the first, you had hazarded to lose no more than you do at this present.  
A Gentleman bore certain Gentlewomen in hand, how that by his skill in palmistry he could tell them all their fortunes: A Gentlewoman of the company, to whom he was particularly devoted, then reached him forth her hand, to see what judgement he would give upon it: who after he had viewed it a good while, in the end he said unto her: In sooth all my fortune lies in your hand.  
A Gent. had been a long time suitor to a Gentlewoman, who still rewarded his love but with scorn and disdain: Nevertheless he bore himself still a suitor unto her: and playing music on a time under her window, she gave him the hearing a while, and at last threw a wisp of straw at him in derision: He not greatly offended thereat, said: Of a bad paymaster better yet take straw than nothing.  
A young Gent. being proffered a great man's daughter in marriage, deliberated many months upon the matter: And being asked why he so long delayed his consent, answered: The affair which is to be done but once for ever, aught to be largely thought upon.  
A Gent. was a suitor to a fair Gentlewoman, and coming in an afternoon to court her, he found her then at cards with an other Gent. whom he had in jealousy of a corrival: And within a while she said, See, see (I pray) what bad cards he deals me: He answered: Lady, receive them not.  
A Portugal wonted to say, that fine love consists only in talking, dancing and feasting with fair Ladies, the rest Asses can do as well as men.  
A maid was cheapening somewhat at a Haberdasher's shop, and as they were jesting together, she asked him who was his mistress: With that the Haberdasher took down a looking glass, and held it before her, and said: Lo there may you see her, if you please.  
Half a fool went a wooing; and by the way he seemed very pensive, and full of muses: Certain his companions that met him and knew his errand, one of them said unto the rest: Me thinks (sirs) master N. goes very sollomly a wooing: He thinks belike (answered another) what foolery to speak first unto his mistress: He need not do so (adjoined the third) for in a kitchen well burnished supper is soon furnished.  
A maid of fifty years of standing was proffered to a young Gentleman in marriage, with a great portion, and besides that that she was so old, she was withal yllfavoured: Moreover it was his good hap upon a time to have a sight of her bare leg, as she alighted from off her horse, & he saw that it was nothing but skin and bone, and as yellow as a Kites foot. At the very same time was also proffered him a very fair young maid in marriage of an eighteen years old, but her portion simple and small: nevertheless this young Gallant chose her, and refused the other: And being demanded why he did so, he answered: I viewed the figure below, & saw that there remained good 18.  
A fair Gentlewoman caught a flea upon the belly-part of her kertle, and said: Why how now Flea? what, Fleas so bold in winter? Her suitor then standing by answered: It is all summer thereaways.  
An ill favoured Gentlewoman asked a young Gent. whether he were in love or no: Who answered, that he was: Then she to try how well he could fancy her, said unto him: If you were not, I would entertain you for my servant: He answered: Tush you do but say so: I dare say you would not.  
One asked an ill-favoured widow why she did not marry: she answered: Because if any marry me, it will be rather for my goods, then for my own sake, and then will he be to me not as a kind husband, but only as a friend, or a well-willer.  
A widow Gentlew. who had buried her very kind husband being persuaded to marry again, she answered: The death of a dear husband ought not disannul the love of a chaste wife.  
A sharp dame in disdain of her suitor, sent him this message: Who ere shall be my husband, must have these four Sses. viz. He must be sage, sole, secret, solatious: Whereunto her suitor returned her this answer again: And whoever shall be my wife, must be none of these four Cees. viz. Common, crooked, cursed, careless.  
One ask his enamoured friend, how he could find in his heart to love such a fops, being she was neither fair nor well favoured, but a very slut, & that had a stinking breath withal. He answered: Oh she makes ye most fine sops.  
A reverend Licentiate at law was a suitor to a fair Gentlewoman, and she scorning him, still returned him tart & squeamish quips: Whereupon on a time he said unto her: Gentlewoman, you greatly forget yourself to injure me so highly, considering both my honest love towards you, as also my gravity, who am (as you know) a Licentiat in Law. Whereunto she answered: Having lost the game, plead you now for leavings?  
One being asked why he loved so extremely such a foul, crooked, and squint eyed creature: he answered: She makes ye a most dainty Salad of Lettuce.  
A Gentl. coming to visit his friend sore lovesick a bed, and desiring to know his so cruel mistress: he answered: Oh (sir) Bereft of bliss a beldame caused this.  
A young Gent. viewing over-curiously a merchants fair wife, by chance a virtuous kinsman of his came by; and noting it, said unto him: That which cannot be lawfully coveted, ought not to be curiously regarded.   

OF HUSBANDS, AND WIVING.  
A sprite appeared to one by night, & miserably amazed him yet in the end being somewhat reviv'd from fear, he thus bespoke it: If thou be God or any of his good Angels, I know thou wilt not hurt me: And if thou be the devil or his Dame, I likewise hope no less, because I have married thy sister: meaning his shrewd wife.  
A serving-man was a suitor to a maid's dishonesty, who asked him, whether he meant to marry her yea, or no: He answered No: For that better could he afford her sheets, than ruffs.  
A fair young wife ask her unkind kind-husband the cause of his jealousy: he answered: Faith (wife) not in respect that I any whit distrust thy true and loyal love towards me, but because I see all the world over-loveth thee: So that though I dare trust thee with all the world, as being my most true turtle dove; yet dare I not trust all the world with thee, because thou art all too fair, and men overlove thee.  
The Earl of Orgas was wont to say, that who so submitteth himself to his wives supremacy, doth all one as if he fed with his feet, & marched on his hands.  
A Duke being highly offended with his slave, would have hanged him, but at last advising upon a worse torment (as he thought) said: No, hanging is all too easy a death, I'll marry him to a shrew.  
One asked an acquaintance of his, whether he were yet a married man or no: he answered: What, an Ape clogged up in a chimney corner? Faith no.  
In a plague time a Constable passing by his neighbours house, and hearing his wife sore lambing him, that night he set up a red cross upon his door, whereat the neighbour the next morning highly offended, tore it down, and complained to the the Alderman of the ward of the high injury the Constable had therein done him: who being presently sent for, thus he answered the matter: And like your Worship, his wife sore beat him yesterday, and I think there cannot be a greater plague in a house than that, and therefore I did it.  
A Musician singing under a Gentleman's window, The fair wife proved a shrew, etc. The Gentleman strait arose from out his bed, and looking out at the window, said unto him: The fair wife you speak of, well may you go seek her else where, for here she is not: but as for the shrew, she is here a bed with me  
An old Gentleman had provided a wife for the wisakre his son, to whom he gave in great charge, during the bridal time not to speak any one word for fear the Bride's friends should happily discover his foolery: So all dinner time there sat the wise Gentleman silly silent (God knows) not forgetting to use his chaps more than his tongue: At last the Bride's friends perceiving such his foolish silence, whispered his disgrace in one another's ear, & sore beflouted him. Among the rest, one of them said to his next commensall: Questionless the Bridegroom is a jolly wise young Gentleman, see how sollomly he sits, and I warrant you he thinks upon some weighty matter: He overhearing this, loudly said unto his father there present: Sir, well may I now be bold to speak, for that (I see) they have now discovered me▪  
One advised his friend to choose his wife rather with his ears, then with his eyes.  
A Maid was proffered to one in marriage, and her friends were offended that the party so long paused upon the choice: Whereunto he answered: Is she foul? then is she odious: If fair? then is she hard to keep: These be the extremes I muse upon.  
One wonted to say, that to a peaceable life in marriage it were meet the husband were deaf, and the wife blind.  
A fair woman took an yll-faced man to husband, and her beauty still more and more increased: A pleasant Gent. noting it, said: That he never in all his life saw an apple in a cowshare continue so long unrotten.  
One used to say, that the best choice of a wife is by Arethmeticke.  
A man of worship married a poor man's daughter, and certain his friends questioning with his brother, what portion her friends gave with her, he answered: To fast with bread and water.  
A Bridegroom said unto his spouse: When as at such a time I solicited thy chastity, hadst thou then condescended, I should never have loved thee after, neither had we been now man and wife, for I did it purposely to try thee: She answered: Faith I thought as much, but such a one taught me more wit than so seven years ago.  
A shrewd wise chid her husband out of doors, and he stepping forth into the street, stumbled with his nose into the kennel, and at rising up again, he said: Better here yet then within door●s.  
A man had a shrewd wife, and he one day broke her head, the cure whereof cost him dear expense afterward: Insomuch as his wife in regard thereof, said on a time unto her gossips: Faith my husband will not dare give me no more broken heads in haste, considering how dear he finds them in the cure: Her husband hearing of such her braves, sent the next day for the Surgeons and Apothecaries, and in her presence paid them all their bills, & gave each of them twenty shillings over & above saying: Hold this (sirs) against the next time.  
One used to say, that the father gives the portion, but God the good wife.  
Two young men were suitors to a rich man's daughter, the one was rich, th'other poor, and he bestowed her upon the poor suitor? Being demanded why he did so, he answered: Because the poor bachelor is wise, and may repair his living in time, but th'other a fool, and like to bring all to nought.  
One wonted to say, that the greatest pleasure a married man can have, is the hope he hath to bury his wife shortly whereby to become a new suitor to an other.  
A great parsonage but old withal, married a fair young maid in a manner perforce, and against her friends good wills: Whereupon one merrily descanted and said: That he married her perforce, and she him sans force.  
In Spain it is lawful to marry by Attorney. One besought his dear friend to marry a fair maid in his absence to his use, affirming that they were already privily contracted before witness: His friend (with licence of the Church first obtained) did so: And after the marriage ended, he & the Bride sat down together in a pew: And he spoke never a word unto her: which the neighbours marueilling at, asked him why he was so strange to the Bride: he answered: Well have I leave to wed her for my friend, but not to speak the first folly unto her: that's his right, and he must have it.  
A loving wife said unto her husband as she lay a dying: Dear husband, you that are void of all sin, I beseech you pray for me.  
One asked a young Gentleman, what he meant to marry so deaf a Gentlewoman: he answered: Because I hoped she was also dumb.  
One enueighing against such as choose their wives chief for beauty, said: That such manner of wives after the first six months, are foul to their husbands, and fair to all other men.  
Of one that had married a foul woman with a rich portion, another s●id that he took her merely by weight, without fashion  
One Ducat a far merchant was held among his neighbours unable in generation, & his fine wife being on a time in conversation among her gossips, and talking of big husbands, she said: And I for my part (thanks be to God) have Ducat enough (as you all know) and yet I assure ye, he is too light by two grains.  
One ask his neighbour how old his wife was: he answere●: Her mark is not yet out.  
One wonted to say: If your wife bid you throw yourself out at a window, pray God that it be not far to the ground.  
A Gardener being to be hanged, his wife came to give him her last kiss at the gallows: to whom he said: Fie on thee (baggage) thus are we like to thrive well at the years end: there cannot be a meeting in all the country, but still thou wilt be sure to make one: Home and weed, home and weed with a very vengeance.  
The Admiral of Castille said: that who so takes a wife, is like a soldier that goes to the wars, to oppose himself against all encounter.  
One hearing a cursed husband threatening his shrewd wife that unless she held her tongue he would beat her with his dagger, said unto him: If you beat her with the dagger, she'll beat you with the scabbard.   

OF womans.  
ONe demanded of a Physician, why men still sue to women, & women never to men: He answered: Because women are always ready for men, and men not always for women.  
One asked a Gentlewoman, why other females for the most part resist the male in generation, and only women most gently yield unto it: She answered: because women are no beasts.  
A Gentlewoman greatly importuning a plain countryman to deliver his opinion what seasons he thought a woman fittest for a man: In th' end (after many courtesies and much a do) he answered: In sooth (Mistress) whensoever a man is ready for a woman.  
An uncivil Captain wonted to say that he loved a woman and his chamberpot alike, neither of both but for his ease.  
A maiden came to an old Grocer to buy some virgin-wax, the Grocer at that instant was pounding spice in a mortar: then thus he answered: Hold here (fair maid) this pestle if you please but as for Virgin wax, the Deu'l a whit have I this many a day.  
A Gentleman coming to a merchants house, the Dog slew at him at the door, & he with his dagger smit off his tail: The good wife heerat was testy, & misused the Gent. in terms: Whereupon he said: Why woman it is not a dogs tail can serve your turn.  
A Gentlewoman being demanded whether she loved her sons or her daughters best, she answered, her daughters: A Gent. that stood by then, said: Me thinks, God having made you a Carrier, you should love a packneedle well.  
A woman in anger said, what (I pray ye) do you doubt of my honesty: No (answered th'other,) for it never stood in my way.  
A maid had swallowed a dram too much, not knowing that she was with child, but felt a pain in her belly, & carried her water to a Physician, complaining to him of the grief: Who answered: Be a good cheer (wench) for I'll warrant thee within these few months you shall have the cause of your pain in your arms.  
An unchaste woman of life was commending a man's honesty to his face in honest company: he disdaining such her praise as proceeding from a woman of her infamy, said. I hope I was never dishonest with you, that you should thus commend me before all this good company.  
King Edward the fourth was wont to say, that a woman's greatest difficulty is, to hold her peace.  
A Gent. requested a thing of an unchaste Gentlewoman: and she answered, Faith sir no: had I a hundred things, you should not have any one of them: Say you so (replied the Gent.) I knew the time when having but one only thing, you let a hundred use it.  
An incontinent Bride thinking her marriage day overlong, and longing for night, said unto her gossips. Now, would God it were even now night, or else that I were unmarried again.  
A choleric person and a woman were a chiding together, and by chance an acquaintance of his came by: who said unto him: Lord, what ail ye to chide so with that woman, I know her of old, she is too hard a match for you: He answered: Then a God's name, let her chide with S. Peter, S. Martin, Bristol, York, London and not with me.  
One used to say: Who so hath a daughter but twenty years old, well may he bestow her upon her better, if 25. upon her equal, if above 25. then upon whosoever lift to have her.  
A rich man had a daughter above 30. years old, who found herself greatly aggrieved that he had not all that while provided her a husband. Upon a time he invited to dinner to him his five sons, who were all married in the same town: Now this stolen maid, their sister, than hoped that such their meeting was purposely to determine upon a good husband for her, but it fell out otherwise, For after that dinner was done, the father said thus unto them: (Sons) I have bid you all to dinner to day, to th'end that every of you resolve me, where you mean to be buried when you die, or whether you think it not best, that I build a tomb for us altogether: Now let me hear your good advises in this behalf: Then the eldest son said: For my part (father) I desire to be buried in the parish-Church where I chance to die, & so the rest in a row all as they thought good. At last when they had all said, the father turned him about to his daughter, and asked her where she would be buried: She answered; Faith no where (father) for I am like to die desperate and for such as die so, well you wots, the Church allows them no burial at all.  
A young Gentlewoman that went for a virgin, and was none, being child-sicke, the Physician asked her where her greatest grief lay: she answered: methinks I feel my heart bounce against my belly.  
A merry waterman said to a Gentlewoman as he ferried her over the water: My boat (mistress) hath a leak just whereas you sit, yet fear not a God's name, for there's no amiss, but may be amended.  
One in wrangle with a woman gave her the lie: an other that stood by then answered: why, women are best when they lie.  
One enticing another man's wife to unlawful lust: she said: All the while I was a maid I obeyed my parents, and now that I am a wife I obey my husband: wherefore, if your request be honest and reasonable, go move it to my husband.  
A fair Gentlewoman was married away by her friends to an ill-faced, and a crooked person: And a kinswoman of hers coming to comfort her on a time, she said: As for friends (cozen) it is meet they be gallant Gent. but as for husbands, we must take them as we find them.  
A notable lewd Gentleman saying to a Gentlewoman that he loved her as his soul: She answered: I had rather you said, you loved me as your body.  
A Gentleman being booted & spurred ready to take horse, came to take his leave of his Mistress, who answered: Well may you ask me leave for the next time, for at this time you have taken it of yourself.  
A Gentlewoman in extremity of labour, swore that if it pleased God she might escape death for that once, she would never in all her life after hazard herself to the like danger again: but being at last safely delivered, she then said to one of the midwives: So, now put out the holy candle, and keep it till the next time.  
A Gentleman taking his leave of his mistress, said: I kiss your hands and your feet: She answered. Forget not (I pray) the station between.  
One saying to a woman▪ Upon my soul do this: She answered: Stake down some other pawn, for that's forfeited already.  
An old Gentlewoman sent her daughter in law a box of preserves, who tasting thereof said: Lord, how sour is this Sugar: So said in reference belike that it came from a mother in law.  
Two corrivals to a maids dishonesty, drew and fought under her window: and she looking out said: Sirs, you mistake, your quarrel is not to be ended with steel, but with gold and silver.  
A lascivious Dame conversing among her Gossips, alluded thus cunningly to her husbands ingenerativenesse, saying: In sooth my husband (thanks be to God) hath many good parts in him, he is a good Musician, he writes well, and he can cast an account no man better, save only that he cannot multiply.  
An old woman seeing the Bride her daughter unarray herself fearfully to bedward, as who would say: Lord, is this the last hour of my maidenhead? She said unto her: Faith (Daughter) and if it pleased God, would I were to abide all thy pains too night.  
A Gentleman saying to a young Gentlewoman, who had been five wears a wife, and never had any child: I greatly marvel that your belly rears not: She answered: How would you have air puff up my belly, having none in my head: She taxed therein her husband's insufficiency.  
A Gen. meeting his mistress late in an evening at a convenient back side, for hasty business that he had, only saluted her, and passed on: An other Gentlewoman, this Gentlewoman's familiar, seeing and noting this out at a window, and knowing with all their mutual loves, said the next day unto her: How chanced it that yesternight such a one meeting you in such a convenient place, he so slightly forsook you, bearing you so great goodwill, as I know he doth: She answered: The truth is, he refused to take the blot, and so lost the game.  
One ask another what was the reason that such a Gentlewoman being but a poor widow had so many fair maids in her service: Th'other answered: Because she affords them free scope, as Hannibal did to his soldiers at Capua.  
A Gentlewoman disdaining her suitor, said unto him: A woman of my calling to love so base a groom as your mastership, faith sir no: He answered: Yes, the rather for my baseness, for that women are shee-Wolues, that commonly pray upon the basest carrion.  
One being asked why he enueighed so sore against women kind, considering that so many good Authors have from time to time whole-vollumed their praises: He answered: They wrote what women ought to be, but I say what they are.  
Pedro Mexia wonted to say, that a woman is the heaven of a man's eye, the hell of his soul, & the purgatory of his purse.  
Th'earl of Vrenia wonted to say, that the virtuous life of a widow bridles the wicked tongue to silence, and spurs the virtuous to commend her.  
A widow overlived her two husbands, whereof the first died rich, and left her full bags, & yet withal used her but hardly in his life time: th'other spent all & lest her poor, yet whiles he lived used her very well and kindly, These two being both buried in one Church, and near one another, she one day standing between both their graves, said unto certain her gossips there: See ye here these two graves? Here in this grave lieth full bags, and there lies spend all: now the devil take them both.  
A kind wife followed her husband to the gallows, and he requesting her not to trouble herself any farther, she answered: Ah yes (dear Husband) now that I have brought you thus far on your way, faith I'll see you hanged too, God willing.  
A Gent. coming to visit a young Maid, found her a working of her wedding waistcoat, and he asked her when she would have done it: She answered, quickly: and then sighingly adjoined: Ah herein I am to lose my maidenhead.  
A young wife expostulating with her midwife her near pains in labour with the child she went withal, and affirming that questionless she should never be able to abide them: Yes (answered the (midwife) I warrant you (mistress) you will refuse white bread and milk that hour. And so she did indeed, for the Midwife presenting her white bread and milk in that agony, she refused it for very pain.  
Two gossips chatting late in an evening by the fires side, at last one of them said unto her maid: Nann, light a candle, & with that fetched a great sigh, and added: For well I wots, thy old master loved light above any earthly joy: and now I pray God the light of heaven fair befall him: Whereunto th'other gossip answered: And I for my part (Gossip had a husband that above all things loved a good fire well, now hell fire light on him.  
The Earl of Vrenia used to say, that a woman's greatest jail is modesty, and silence.  
Two shrews being at civil brabble about one another's honesty, th'one of them said: I faith thou sauor'st of honesty, even as a Cow doth of Aqua vitae: Th'other answered: And the honesty of thee, and the wool of an old dog would make a good Cuckold-medlie.  
One commending a proper woman who was an errand shrew, and withal very talkative said: She is even as gallant a woman as ever I set eye on, all but her tongue.  
A Preacher in his good-friday sermon said unto his parishioners: Sirs, who of you all will not in honour of this day forgive his enemy with all his heart: With that a woman stepped forth and said: Sir, I do: Whom (said the preacher:) Marry whosoever (quoth she) will do so much as kill the knave my husband.   

OF CUCKOLDS.  
A Cuckold innocent being informed that such a one was a bed with his wife: he answered: Knowing him as I do to be a right honest man, I dare adventure my wife a bed with him.  
An honest man that had but one eye and a quean to his wife, entering upon the sudden into his bed chamber by night, a knave chanced to be then a bed with her, who hearing her husband's voice, shifted him suddenly behind the door, and thus she said unto her Goodman: What husband, is't you even welcome my good husband: I hope in God my dream is come to pass: I was even now adreamed that you could see with either of your eyes, in so much as I waked for joy, and I hope to find it true: And with that she arose from out her bed, & coming toward him: Good husband (she said) let me lay my finger on your seeing eye, and then tell me whether you discern any thing with the other: He answered: No, not any thing. In this mean time she beckoned to the Adulterer to be gone: who strait slipped from behind the door down the stairs, and so scaped quite away.  
One went a wooing, and by the way he heard the Cuckoo sing: Whereupon he turned back again, and swore that by the Mass he would prove him a liar.  
One saluted his neighbour, and he refusing to resalute him, th'other said: So God me help, I see there is a kind of people in the world, that dare not d'offe their hats for discovering their horns.  
A countryman came to ask for a Gent. in a place where were a many other Gent. beside, and it was his chance to ask the Gent. himself: Who answered: My good friend, he that you ask for, was hanged many a day ago: And wherefore I pray you sir? (replied the stranger:) Marie (he answered) for a robbery: A robbery (quoth the stranger) Oh th'ungracious man, was he not content to be a Cuckold all his life, but he would also prove himself a thief in th'end?  
A poor countryman came from market, & brought home a sheeps head with him, horns and all: His wife seeing it said: Why how now (husband) what a head like your own?  
A Spanish Cuckold was condemned to be whipped by his wife at a carts tail, condition, that if she forbore to do it in good earnest, she then to be whipped herself. So marching along in the street he after the cart, and she with rods after him, he oftentimes turned back to her, & said: Kate, good Kate, lay thou on load on me, and let not them lay it on thee.  
One saying merrily to his neighbour: Is your wife an honest woman (trow ye?) He answered: I cannot easily resolve you that question, for well may a woman's dishonesty be known by experience, but not her honesty.  
A man being to be marked in the forehead for having three wives at once: A Gent. that stood by, & knew the levity of his first, and lawful wife, said: Aswell deserves he a forehead-mark for his first wife, as for th'other two.  
A fair Gentlewoman danced her galliard passing well, & a Gent. highly commended her good grace therein: The fool her husband then standing by, was proud to hear his wife so praised, and adjoined. Oh but (Gent) if you knew her a bed, as I do, you would say she were even the sweetest woman in the world.  
An English man asked a French man what was French for a Cuckold: Who answered (Cocque) Why then I pray (quoth the Englishman) is this true French to say, Monsieur ●ous estes Cocque. The Frenchman finding himself touched, answered▪ Yea (sir) it is true French in the plural number, but not in the singular.  
A Cuckold telling a Gentleman that he knew an Italian who made 160. pounds a year of a civit Cat which his father left him, and affirming that it were good, if every younger brother in England were so well provided for: The Gent. answered: I doubt not but your wife yields you twice as much every year.  
A Cuckold seeing out at a window his wife and another in lascivious embraces: & hearing her protest how dearly she loved him above all the men in the world: He said aloud unto him: Believe her not (friend) believe her not: for (I assure you) she hath told me as much a thousand, and a thousand times, and yet have I still found her false.   

OF BASTARDS.  
THe Archbishop of Saragosa and an other Gent. who were both base borne walked together in a field, and meeting with a countryman, the Gent. pointed horns at him with his two fingers, saying: How sayst thou (friend) are they even or odd? He answered: No odds (sir) and but even a pair of Bastards.  
A Bastard was telling his friend that he was as much beholding to such a one as to his own father: Why (said th'other) can you possibly be beholding to any so much as to your own father? he answered: You have reason: Yes (replied th'other) you are more beholding to your mother, that chose you such a father, then to your father that chose you such a mother.  
An old and a young Gent. being at terms of enmity, the young Gallant said: Bethink thyself well, and thou shalt find that thou art a base groom to me, and that we are not fellows by odds: True (answered the old Gent.) for indeed I very well remember, your father & I were fellows & bedfellows too, not passing nine months before you were borne. He spoke it in reference that the world thought he had sometimes known the others mother carnally.  
A young bastard throwing stones among a multitude of people: one said unto him: Ware (boy) thou hit not thy father.   

OF TABLE MATTER.  
AN honest man invited a Physician to dinner, and at dinner time drunk to him in a cup of wine: Whereunto the Physician excepted, and said: That he durst not pledge him in wine for fear of pimples & inflammations in his face: The other then answered: A foul ill on that face that makes the whole body far the worse.  
An Italian used to say, that wine hath these two discommodities with it: If you put water into it, you mar it, and if you put none in, you mar yourself.  
The Dutch man useth to say, that eating is not any whit necessary, other then in as much as it procureth a man to drink and talk.  
A sudden silence being at a table, where sat a many at dinner, one of the company said: Why how now (my masters?) it seems that some of us at this board, sit with their legs a cross: A Gentlewoman thereunto excepted, and said. Not I in sooth, for I have here somewhat between my legs: She meant the tressel of the table, but it was not so taken.  
To one that sipped his wine, an other said: me thinks you eat your wine▪ and all to bemangle it: True (answered th'other) I do it to gain the quintessence out of it.  
A friend of Don Alonso de Aguilar being at dinner with him called for a little wine: Whereupon Don Alonso told him: In this house (sir) is neither a little to be demanded, nor a little to be given.  
A Turkie-pie had been often served in to a poor Gen. board, and at last a serving-man being to serve it in again, made some stay of it by the way, resting it upon the buttery-hatch. By chance his master came by, and seeing it there, asked him, why he did not carry it in: Marry sir, (answered the servingman) I thought it could by this time a day have found the way in alone.  
On a Christmas time the countrymen came in thick and threefold to a worshipful man's house, & fell hungerlie to their victuals: And one of them rising up with a full belly, said: Sirs, God bless you all, and the Founder: The Gent. Steward then standing by answered: And the Confounders too.  
A serving-man by mischance shed broth on his masters board, and his master said. Sirrah, I could have done so myself: he answered: No marvel (sir) for your worship hath seen me do it first.  
An old Doctor complaining how that having but one only tooth left him in his head, it was lately fallen away with eating a very ripe fig: an other answered: But your tooth was a great deal riper.  
A Physician willed an Italian soldier to forbear wine after figs: Who answered: Tut (M. Doctor) you mistake: It is wine after figs, and a fig for water.  
A Doctor of physic wore his sleeves short, & very wide; and dining on a time at a Noble man's board, he waxed liquorish of a Crane's leg: which for that it was far from his reach, he thought it better manners, to take the whole Crane out of the dish, and carve himself at leisure upon his trencher, then to stretch out his arm so far, whereby to discover unto that honourable company all his naked wrist: And he did so: A serving-man then seeing th'empty dish, took it from the board: At last the Doctor having shared out his morsel, looked about for it, and missing it, threw the Crane under the board, saying: Go seek it out.  
Auenamar a Moor king commended water for two good properties that it hath, viz. It neither indebteth nor indrunkenneth a man.  
One drunk a cup of very sma●l wine, and said: Why how now water? shall I call thee wine?  
A Gent. using to dine often with the Mayor of London, on a time brought his friend with him, saying: My L. here I am come a bold guest of yours again, & have brought my shadow with me. The Mayor welcomed him and his shadow: Within a while after he came again to dinner to him, and brought two companions with him: To whom the Mayor said: Sir, you be heartily welcome: But I pray you tell me: Do you not think it a monstrous thing, one body to have two shadows?  
Old M. Palmer of Agmerine was a pleasant Gent. and being one day at dinner with the Duke of Somerset, no sooner was a dainty morsel of meat carved him, but strait the serving-men were ready with clean trenchers to receive it from him: At last a Lady carved him a Partridge-wing, and a serving-man forthwith cleane-trenchered him, and went clean away with it: Which the merry Gent. perceiving, said aloud unto all the honourable company: A fair flight (sirs) mark, mark it well: on the fair flight.  
At a summer's banquet of fruits and sweet meats, a young Gent. placed himself next to an old man, who had scarce ere a tooth in his head: But yet the old man out-eat him: Whereupon the merry youth at rising, thus be jested him, saying: Mass (father) of one that is no better shod, than I see you are, you have run very well to day.  
One came to visit a Gent. and he found him eating of cherries with a pair of spectacles on his nose, whereat he greatly marveled, and said: Sir, I wonder, considering you are so good of sight, that you eat your cherries with spectacles: He answered: The truth is, I bid my man buy me great Kentish Cherries, and he hath brought me these little ones, as you see, wherefore I eat them thus with spectacles to make them seem great ones, and that's as good.  
Grapes were set before one at the beginning of dinner & he said: It is not good building upon a round foundation.  
A Doctor of physic was telling one how wholesome it is to break one's fast all the dog-day mornings, and one asked him when the dogdays begin, and how long they continue: He answered: Marry, they begin (according to Pliny always fifteen days before the Calends of August, that is, the 17. of julie, & continue till the 17. of September: One that stood by, then said: In sooth (master Doctor) I have often heard it even as you say that Dog-day breakfasts are indeed very wholesome, but truly I always thought that those days began evermore the first of januarie, and ended not till the last of December.  
In Spain Butter is dainty: and being served in on a time to a time to a Nobleman's board, a Gent. at the lower ●nd took exceptions for that they had none there: Whereunto his next commensall answered: Belike my Lord's steward thinks we have no bowls to grease.  
An Earl came late within night to a Gentleman's house, and a fat Capon was served up to his supper, which th'earl seeing, strait ticked the dish with his knife to have it set near him: Whereupon the Gent. then standing by, said: Your honour doth well to take it, for it is a Trump at this time.  
A poor Gent. invited a couple of Friars to dinner to him and their cheer was only eggs. The Gentl. would feign have excused the matter unto them: but one of them perceiving his drift, said: Why (sir) eggs is very good fare, and many good dishes may be made of eggs. Say you so father? (replied the Gent.) Hold ye here then each of ye a couple of eggs, dress them after your own manner.  
Two Gent. went to break their fast in a Tavern, and a bagpiper stood piping at the door: At last in came one, and set them down a couple of eggs: Whereat one of the Gent. excepted, and said: Hath all this cackling been but for these two poor eggs?  
A man of worship had on the sudden great resort of guests, and their fare was but ssender: Whereupon he called his steward unto him, and said: Why how chanceth it N. that we have no better far too day: This dinner is like an apple, soon snatched up upon the point of a rapier.  
A Gent and a Gentlewoman supping in one room at two several boards whereat were a many strangers beside, the Gentlewoman waxing testy and foolish at some speech of his, began to misuse him uncivillie in terms before all the company: Whereupon the Gent. said: Some good body take away that Salad from the Gentlewoman: What Salad goodman As●e? (said she) He replied: Your salad of nettles.  
One used to say, that it is good to talk of wars, but not be in wars; to talk of the sea, but not be at sea; to talk of hunting but rather to taste thereof.  
One wonted to say, that po●re men want meat to their stomachs, and rich men stomachs to their meats  
A rude Gentlewoman had stuffed her pottage to ●hicke with bread that somewhat fell beside the dish: One seeing it, said: Gentlewoman you spill: No, (answered another) well may it fall beside, but it cannot spill.  
One being carved the rump of Mutton, he refused it, saying: I brook no covers of closestools.  
One was a telling a Gentlewoman how such a gallant of the Court eat every day eight Capons in Blank-manger: She answered: Oh the Fox.  
At a Nobleman's banquet, a ship of Marchpain-stuffe was set upon the board, wherein was all manner of fishes in the like stuff: Every one snatching thereat, a sea-captain sitting far off could not reach thereunto, but one of the company gave him a Sprat, which he receiving, held it a good space to his ear: The Nobleman seeing it, asked him his conceit therein: He then in reference to the little portion that came to him out of that Marchpane, thus merrily answered: And like your Grace, my father before me (as your Honour knows) was sometimes a sea-captain, and it was his mischance, and my hard hap, that since his last undertaken voyage a sea, which was some twelve years ago, I never since could hear what was become of him: Wherefore of every fish that falleth into my hands I still ask whether it can tell me any news of him: And this petty Sprat (my Lord) saith he was then a little one, and remembers no such matter.  
One drinking to a Gent. and saying: Sir, I drink to your sister Alice, & to your cozen Bess, and so upward to your father, and to your mother, and then down again to your little brother Robert, and little mistress Frances, and the rest: He answered: I pledge your pair of stairs.   

OF VISITATION.  
ONe came in a morning to speak with a Gent. who was known to have before time forsworn himself in false witness against a neighbour of his: and the Gent. page answered him that his master was yet a bed: within an hour after he asked the Page again whether his master were yet stirring? Whereunto the boy answering no, the party hereat all in a chafe departed, and said: Yea, never may he rise up more in false witness against his neighbour.  
Siento signifies in Spanish, I sit, and also I feel: A poor Gen. came to visit a man of worship, and they presented him a ruinous stool to sit upon: He seeing it, stood still, refusing to sit down: The man of worship ask him why he stood, and requesting him withal to sit down: He answered: Pardon me (sir) for No me siento, that is, I do not sit, because me siento, viz. because I feel, He meant that he felt himself aggrieved with so homely a seat.  
A Scholar that vaunted what especial interest he had in a certain fair Gentlewoman, went he and his friend on a time to visit her: And she in disdain of him still Thowed him at every word, and he as often over-titled her with Honour, Ladyship, and Majesty; Whereat the Gentlewoman waxing testy cursed, asked him why he so exalted her in title above her calling▪ He answered: May it please you to mount but one point higher, and then will I fall one lower, so shall our music well accord.  
One came to speak with his friend, who being at that time very busy, willed his man to answer him that he was not within. But he by chance overheard his voice, and knew thereby that he was within: Whereupon he departed mal-content: The next day this other came to speak with him▪ and he hearing that he was come, looked out at a window▪ and told him that he was not at home: Not at home? (answered the other) Why (I pray sir) who are you? Who am I? (replied he) I hope I am one, whom you may aswell credit, saying that I am not at home, as well as I to believe your man, making me the like answer yesterday from you.  
One that for his safety had taken Sanctuary, a friend of his came to visit him, and said: Now thanks be to God, your case is just aswell out of Sanctuary as in Sanctuary: Th'other answered: Else durst you not come visit me.  
A Gentleman that had been long in the Indies, being returned home with a great scar in his face, went to visit a friend of his, who knew him not of a good while, till at last the Gentleman discoursing unto him his name, and kindred, in th'end he called him to mind, and said: Sir, you must pardon me, for (I assure you,) your superscription being blurred, I could not well a read you.  
A Gentleman being in conversation among a many foul Gentlewomen, at last in came a very fair one: Whereat they all arose, to salute her and he said: If this Gentlewoman had not come, we had lost the game, for want of a Courrecard.  
A Gent. coming to visit a fair Gentlewoman, and finding her playing with a tame Conie, said: God save both your Coneys.  
A Gentlewoman whose name was Thorney, sitting in her chamber between two Gentlemen, whereof the one was a great drunkard, th'other as great a Lecher: her maid came to her, and delivered her a message in her ear, and at rising up again, said unto her: Forsooth (mistress) will it please you to be gone so soon? No, not very soon (answered the Gentlewoman) for see you not how I am here settled between the skin and the flesh?  
Paja in Spanish signifieth a mess of meat, likewise straw: A mean Gent. came on a time to visit a man of great worship, who was but newly set down to dinner, and therefore sequestered himself into a garden in the mean time: Where after he had walked a good space, at last in he came again into the hall, & asked a serving-man whether his master had yet dined: Who answering, No, and that the second Paja, viz. the second mess was but newly served in: all in a chafe be fling away, saying: Nay, if he be all this while in his Paja, viz. in his straw, (as he meant it) surely I will not stay till he have eaten his Oats too.   
The end of the third part of this book.   

Wits, Fits, and Fancies. The fourth part.  

OF NATIONS AND CITIES.  
AN Italian Traveiller used to say, that the Portugal seems a fool, and is a fool; the Spaniard seems wise and is a fool; the Frenchman seems a fool, and is wise; the Englishman wise, but cannot show it; the Italian both wise and so seemeth, and that the Dutch man would be wise, but for the pot.  
A Scot used to say, that Englishmen are like dogs, forasmuch as disgrace you but any one of them, and the rest will all disgrace him more & more. So do dogs, for if one of them be bitten and overmatched with an other dog, all the dogs in the street will strait take part with the victor dog, and all to beteare the other: But Welshmen (he said) are like good country hogs, for let a dog but bite or abuse any one of them, or any of them misuse one an other, strait all the hogs in the ground will rescue and favour the distressed hog, and all to begrunt the other hog away. No less is Welshman's true love and kindness towards one another.  
In the North of Ireland, where they eat but Oaten cakebread, a Kearnes mother hearing that her son was slain in fight against Englishmen, came the morrow after into the field and finding her dead son there, after much moan and lamentation over him, she chanced to cast her eye aside, and there by espied a dead Englishman: Then up she arose, and much accursing our nation for the death of her son, in the end she stripped him of his apparel, and chanced to find a stolen loaf of bread in his breeches, which was of the provision he brought with him from the English pale: which after she had a good while well viewed & wondered at: in the end burst forth into fresh tears, and said: No marvel if my dear son be slain by one that voids so hard and huge a stirred.  
A Scot was a preaching how that all men are one an others neighbour and brother in Christ, even the Turk, the jew, the Moor, the Cannibal, the far Indian: and then concluded: Yea and the very Englishman is our neighbour too.  
A Portugal Friar was discoursing in his sermon of a great victory his Nation had against the Spaniards that day twelve months, and said: Then both th' Armies camped near unto the river, we Christians on the one side, and the Spaniards on the other.  
A drunken Christian, and a jewish Christian being at terms of brabble, the Drunkard called the counterfeit, a drunken companion, and the counterfeit called him a jew: The next day they met again, & the Drunkard then said unto the jew: Sirrah, take thy jew to thyself, and restore me my Drunkard again.  
Sanabria a Spanish Captain used to say, that it was extreme cruelty in the Muffs to make their wives their drudges in the wars, and no less vanity in the Spaniard to make his maid his mistress.  
A Spaniard braving an English fugitive soldier in the Low-Countries, said, that in his days he had slain as many Englishmen, as he had buttons in his doublet: The Englishman answered: So often kiss you my tail.  
One requested his supposed friend to stead him in a certain occasion, which the other refused him, saying: To do you good in good sort, you might draw me after you to jerusalem with a woollen twine, but to do ill to pleasure you, you shall pardon me: Whereunto th'other answered: I, to jerusalem I think well, for that belike is your country.  
Don Diego Garcia Paredez wonted to say, that all other nations speak with their lips, but the Spaniard with his heart.  
Gonzalo Fernandez said That Frenchmen at the first encounter are more than men, and afterward less than women.  
One saying that French paper was better cheap in England then English paper: An other answered: No marvel, for why, they have more rags to make paper of in France, than we have in England, by reason they have more beggars.  
A Portugals wife calling a Castilian, skeruy Spaniard: Her husband said: Alas (wife) it is mischief enough that the poor soul is a Spaniard, though he be not skeruie too.  
An Englishman braving a Frenchman, and saying that it was not for nought that England gives the Lions, so brave and magnanimous is our nation: The Frenchman answered: I, but the Lion dreads the Cock: So said in reference that Frenchmen are called in Latin Galli.  
Isabel Queen of Spain hearing another City praised above Toledo, said: If it be as great as Toledo, then is it not so strong, and if it be as strong, then is it not so great.  
A great Clerk being come to Toledo, where he noted the people very ingenious, civil, and discreet, he said: Never till now that I am in Toledo, did I think myself an errand fool.  
It is the proverbial praise of Venice: Venice who never saw it, cannot esteem it.  
Isabella Queen of Spain asked one Don Alonso Carilio, what he thought of the city of Cordua: who answered: A many villages met in Parliament.  
A Spanish Jester wonted to say, that in the city of Sigoviae were eight months of winter, and four of hell.  
It is proverbial in our country, Fron Hull, Hell, & Halifax, good Lord deliver us.   

OF RELIGIONS.  
ONe prayed thus: God bless and save my Father, my Mother, my Brothers, my Sisters, my Wife, my Children, and me, and no more. An other that overheard him, answered: The Devil take thy Father, thy Mother, thy Brothers, thy Sisters, thy Wife, thy Children, and thee, and no more.  
A Scottish Evangelist quarreling with an Englishman about Religion: Tut (said he) you are all Papists yet in England, for that your Churches are still standing every where.  
An Italian Peasant hearing in a passion sermon upon a good Friday, that jews did crucify Christ, the Preacher much inveighing against their hard heartedness therein: Anon after the sermon ended, he demanded of one what countrywoman the Virgin Marie was: to whom being answered that she was a jew: the Swain then remembering that she was their country woman that crucified Christ, all in a rage he rushed upon her Image, and all to broke it: So indiscreetly the fool hated jews for Christ his sake.  
A pure Dame caused her picture to be drawn, with a bible in her hand, and a drop of blood falling down from heaven upon it, and written underneath thus. By God's blood and his word I am sure to be saved.  
At what time the Inquisition was first established in Spain it was proclaimed throughout all that Country, that all jews and others that would not subscribe thereunto, should within certain days void the Realm and pack away. A company of jews hereupon presently departed, and arrived at Marselles a sea-Town in France: Now, one of them walking the next day upon the key, saw another ship arrive thither, and some half dozen of his jewish acquaintance disembarke out of it: whom he heartily welcomed into those parts, and demanded the cause of their coming: They (because a many Frenchmen were in place, and loath they were to be known for Iewes) answered: Hither we are come for the death of a certain man: The other replied: And I even for the same cause.  
One invited a jew to dinner, and caused minced Pork to be served to the board so deceitfully, that he thought the jew could not suspect it: But the jew imagining the truth, asked notwithstanding what meat it was. They answered: Minced birds of divers sorts. Oh would they had wings (thensaid the jew) to fly away from this board.  
A convertite jew traveling on the way with certain Spanish Gent. they arrived at last at a brook, where because they knew not the certain depth of it, they strained curtsy who should go foremost: At last the Convertite was the hardy man that did it, and he did it safely, and then the rest followed after. Being all safe on th'other side, one of the Gent. said that he marvelled how so late a Christian as he, could have the heart to adventure himself to danger, seeing such kind of men are commonly most fearful in all dangerous occasions: Whereunto an other of them adjoined: From fire God bless him, for water (we see) he little fears.  
Two dissembling Christians, being indeed both jews as well in their secret belief, as in lineage, were at terms of brabble with one an other, th'one demanding a certain debt, and th'other denying it: Whereupon the demandant challenged his faithful promise made him at such a time for the repay thereof: Which the other confessed, but adjoined withal, that that faith full promise was but to amend his faith: With that in steps me a Spaniard, an acquaintance of them both, and said: Being both one piece of cloth, how can any amendment be perceived?  
A jewish Christian being at a banquet in a wood among many Ladies and Gent. a Gammon of Bacon was served to the board, and he to avoid suspicion of judaisme, tasted thereof: But when the banquet was done, he sorted himself alone into the thickest of the wood, & behind a tree forced up all the Bacon again with a feather out of his stomach: Which being seen by one or two of the company, they all jested at him therefore, and called him jew: Whereunto he answered: No jew (Gentlewomen) but thus: Assoon as ever the devils saw, or smelled so good a relic as Bacon within my body, they strait slew out at my mouth in vomit.  
One called a dissembling jew, Turncoat: Whereupon the jew entered his action of slander against him, & having brought it to the issue, the party was condemned to confess in open court the slander, and withal to pay him a some of money in consideration: Then the party thus in open Court retracted the slander, saying: I confess that I have highly injured master N. in having called him Turncoat, for (on my conscience) I think he is still as errand a jew as ever he was.  
A Preacher in Spain persuaded a Moor to Christianity, who seeming conceiptlesse of what was said unto him: the Preacher said: For ought I see, my words enter in at one ear of you, and go out at the other: The Moor answered: They neither enter in, nor yet go out.  
One in Queen Mary's days that had formerly under King Henry gotten much by the fall of abbeys, went about to build a Chapel: Whereupon a Gent. his Neighbour said, that it was like, as if one having first ravished the mother, would afterward pay for the nursing of the child.  
One used to say that it is a merry world when folk account it folly to build a Church.  
One that was a jews son, and passed for a Christian, met a Gent. an adversary of his a horseback, he himself being also a horseback, and said unto him: How chanceth it master N. you ride so weaponless to day? the other answered: Marry because I mean not to kill him upon the Crosse.  
One hearing that a jew had murdered his child, said: Better be a jews hog by that account, than his child. For jews eat no Hogs-flesh.  
A zealous virgin-Iew in Rome was held in high reverence among the Israelites there, so very virtuous she seemed, and chaste in all her carriage: But a Florentine found the way by night to her may den-bed, and did his deed so throughlie, that all her holiness would no longer conceal it, but still swelled every day more and more: till being at last utterly detected, 'twas ten to one that she was not reputed a baggage: but in am of such infamy, so erroneus was the reverence the jews had of her virginity that they persuaded themselves she was verily with child of their Messiah: And in that error their rabbins directed their letters and posts upon posts to all the jewish Synagogues throughout all Christendom and Greece, for certain Elders of every Synagogue to come up to the nativity of that Babe; which accordingly was done: Insomuch as during that season Rome was a world of jews, so confluently they repaired thither from all parts: Now mark the end: At nine months end this Virgin jew was brought a bed of a Florentine daughter.   

OF ATTIRES.  
AN elder brother was commending his younger brothers green cloak, and said it became him passing well: Th'other answered: But a black mourning cloak from you, would become me better.  
One wore his shoes garnished with cut and uncut fringe, and one seeing it, said unto him: Wear a mask before your face for shame that the world discovers your pimples.  
One wore a strawe-hat in a strange place, and the people flocked about him, all gazing at the novelty: At last a Churchman passed by, and pitying to see a stranger so gared upon, asked him whether he had any acquaintance thereabout, or no who answered: Why ask you? Marry to th'end (quoth he) if you have any, he may do well to come and defend you from these beasts, least happily they eat up all your straw, and leave you near a whit for your supper.  
One seeing a Gentlewoman attired all in white, said, that she had laid her chastity a whiting.  
One wore his cassack-sleeves close girt under his girdle, & one that saw it, said, it was like a pinioned Goose.  
A Spaniard having a Moor slave, let him go a long time in a poor ragged mandilian without sleeves: one ask him why he dealt so sleevelesly with the poor wretch: He answered: I crop his wings for fear he fly away.  
A Lady of high calling disguizing herself with a veil, & accompanied only with her waiting Gentlewoman, went to a Goldsmith to cheapen plate, & standing at the shop a Gallant chanced to come by, who seeing her so, and supposing her such a one as would easily admit conference in love and levity▪ began to common and comply with her in that kind: But she gave him a scornful begun, saying: See here under this vail no common garment, nor am I as I seem. The Gallant thereat all in a chafe, answered: Be what you be will, and be so attired then, or else be as you are attired.  
A Gent. prepared himself toward a day of tilting, and because money failed him to furnish him passing brave against the time, he was feign to sell a very rich Mandilian that he had: saying: Whiles others Mandilian themselves toward Tilt, I unmandilian me.  
A jester seeing a Gallant wear a little diminutive bonnet upon his head, with a band to it all to beset with gold buttons said: Fowl befall the Smith, that shod yonder Ass so close.  
An upstart Gallant was attired in Taffeta all over figured with flames of fire: which a Gent. seeing, and knowing his base parentage, said to them in his company: Behold: yonder strawey Cottage goes in danger of firing.  
A fair Gentlewoman willed her servant on a day of tilting to attire himself all in green, which he did: And coming into the Tylt-yard so attired, Gonzalo Fernandez the great Spanish Captain knew him, and guessing at his Mistress, and at the cause of his green, said unto him: If she know you not by your habit, give it her in hand.  
One that for the space of many years together was never seen on the holidays other then in one cloak, a Gent. thus bejested him, saying: Near a holy day but I see cloaks, but never saw I cloak of so many holidays in all my life.  
A gallant came to run at the ring, all clad in haire-collour velvet, and over it a veil of white Taffeta, girt close to him ala Mor●sco: Whereupon the Emperor Charles ask his jester what it was like: he answered: Like the bowels of a beast wrapped in their call.  
A Gent. came in a mask vested all in black, over-figured with Death's heads, and one that saw it said: jesus, what a number of fools faces have we there: The Gent. Page standing by answered: Nay, there lacks yours to make it seem so.   

OF OFFICERS.  
A Spanish Earl retained an Usher for his Lady, and bid his Steward set him down twentie-pounde wages. The Steward for his Lord's profit would not set him down presently, according as he was encharged, but of a month after: In which mean time the Earl ask the Usher whether the Steward had yet set him down in his book, or no: he answered, No and like your honour, he will have me stand on my legs one month to an end.  
A Gent. of her Majesty's privie-chamber coming to a merry Recorder of London, about some state-affaire, met him by chance in the street going to dinner to the Lord Maior, and proffered to deliver him his encharge. But the dinnerly Officer was so hasty on his way, that he refused to hear him, posting him over to an other season: The Gent. notwithstanding still urged him to audience, without discovering unto him either who he was, or what he would: Whereupon the Recorder then merrily turned back to his horse, and said: Horse, tell this man that I am going to dinner to my L. Major, and that I cannot now intend his tittle tattle, for (well I wots) he will not believe me: Whereunto the Gent. no less pleasently answered: No horse, not so (I pray thee) but thus: Tell the Ass thy master, that I am G. of the privy chamber, one that is come to him about business of state, and will him to dispatch me presently, as he will answer the contrary.  
A Constable had direction to disarm all that passed through his quarter after ten a clock at night: and a merry fellow chancing to pass that way, said unto him; Are you the Gallant that must disarm all passengers this way too night? Go ye then to such a Cook's house, and take from him a corselet of mine, which lieth there in pawn for pies.  
A Commendador of Spain being discharged of his office, vowed, never to make his will until it had pleased the King to reinstall him thereinto: which the king shortly after deigned to do: And then the first words of his will were these: All that ever I have, the King's Majesty gave it me.  
A Canallio signifies in Spanish a horseback, and acaballio to end or dispatch any thing: A Mayor of a town riding posse through the street to pacify a tumult, a Gent. of his acquaintance met him, and asked him whether he went so a Cavallio, that is, so mounted: The Mayor answered, acaballio.  
Two Felons were adjudged to die, and yet at last through much entreaty it pleased the judge in favour of life to ingalley them for seven years: The hangman seeing that, strait stepped in and besought the judge to rid him of his office, and appoint some other in his place: Being asked wherefore: he answered: Because you bar me of my right.  
One chanced upon the night watch, and the Constable demanded his weapon, who strait discovered his cloak, and show'd him a bottle of wine, and said: Lo here all my weapon: The Constable took his said weapon from him, & he and his mates drunk up all the wine, and then delivered him the empty bottle, saying: Hold here (friend) the sheath again.  
A Constable raising up his parish by night, to assist justice, made his proclamation thus: All you that do not forthwith rise, and come to assist the King's peace and justice, shall forfeit unto the Exchequer a 100 stripes.  
thieves were a rifling a Gent. house by night, & the watch came in with torches to attach them: Now, one of them to save himself by dark, struck out one of their torches, and ran away: But being afterwards apprehended, the Constable said unto him: Belike (friend) you are next heir to the halter, that you desired so much the torches death.  
A Courtier's man came to Queen Isabella's Harbinger, and told him that the chamber which he assigned his master, was much at a fault: with that the Harbinger pointing him to a gibbet that stood before the Court gate, answered: If your master's chamber be at a fault, see yonder where stands a gibbet.  
One being condemned to be shot to death for a rape: the maid in favour of his life, was content to beg him for her husband: Which being condescended unto by the judge, according to the law of Spain in that behalf: in steps me the hangman all in a chafe, and said unto the judge: How (I pray you sir) can that be? seeing the stake is already in the ground, the rope, the arrrowes, the Archers all in a readiness, and here I am come for him.  
In a provincial visitation in the territory of Toledo, inquiry was made for such kind of women as did cure folk with charms, and superstitions: And among others a decrepit Beldame was brought before the Visitor, who ask her what cures she did: she answered: Forsooth (master) I wash to the merchants masterships of Toledo.  
A Soldier coming about a suit to a merry Recorder of London, the Recorder seeing him out at the window, ran hastily into an inner room, & there put on a corselet and a headpiece, & then with a Lance in his hand came down unto him, and said: How now Sirrah, are you the man that hath somewhat to say to me? Begin now when you dare, for behold (I trow) I am sufficiently provided for you.  
A Mayor of London died the very same day that he was elected, whereupon one thus merrily said: A vigilant Mayor he was, that never ●lept all the time of his Mayoralty.  
A merry Recorder of London, being to decide a brabble between two Citizens, the one called Dunscombe, the other Cox▪ & understanding what a paltry matter it was, he thus jestinglie said unto them: Sirs, I very well conceive your case, and thus I sentence it: Namely, you Dunscombe, delivery up to Cox all your comb, reserving only Duns to yourself: so be you still a Duns, and he a Coxcomb.  
A Gent. riding through a countrey-parish, and being destitute of money, sold his horse to the Constable there, who seeing that he had an easy peniwoorth, strait arrested the Gent. upon suspicion of felony: Namely, that he had stolen the said horse.  
An Abbot had bespoken of a Goldsmith a dozen of rich Candlesticks, and paid most of the money aforehand. Shortly after the Goldsmith died, and the Abbot came to demand the Candlesticks of his widow, which he knew were by that time all finished: Whereunto she making denial, and refusing to take notice of any such matter, th'Abbot was feign to get an Officer to enter the house, and to seize upon them to his use: The Officer came, and searched, and the widow being loath to leave the Candlesticks, took him aside, and solicited his love, and withal offered him them in marriage with her, showing him besides a large inventory of what goods and movables the foresaid Goldsmith her husband had left her, by his last will and Testament. Which the honest Officer viewing and perusing and utterly misliking and detesting such her treachery, delivered it her again, saying: Hold here (housewife) your Inventory, and see you deliver me the Candlesticks presently: So was she foiled in her own policy, for having confessed the having of them, she was fain to yield them up without any more a do.  
A merry Recorder of London riding upon his Mule would needs take the wall of all men, and riding in an evening all too ambitiously under the pentisses for that prerogative, down he fell and his Mule both into an Ale-celler, and sore bruised him: Insomuch as ever after he used to have a man go between him and the wall as he rid, for fear of any more the like mischances.  
The said Recorder passing along the street, and hearing a Soldier in an Alehouse calling for a Kingston-pot of beer, strait stepped in unto him, and arrested him of high treason, saying: Sirrah, often have I heard, and tasted of a pennie-pot of beer, and found good of the price, but of a Kingston-pot of Beer I never heard: Sure, it is some counterfeit coin, and I must know how thou camm'st by it.  
The said Recorder mistaking the name of one Pepper, called him Piper: Whereunto the party excepting, and saying: Sir, you mistake, my name is Pepper, not Piper: he answered: Why, what difference is there (I pray thee) between Piper in Latin, and Pepper in English; is it not all one? No sir (replied the other) there is even as much difference between them, as is between a Pipe and a Recorder.   

OF GVEST AND ENTERtainment.  
A Spanish Gent. being somewhat homely entertained in an Abbay, where he was lodged in an obscure corner of a low dampy room, the night being very cold, and he as coldly covered, chanced to fall into a sudden flux, wherewith he all to bewrayed the bed: Whereat being much ashamed, all early in the morning up he arose, and away he would: and as he was ready to take horse, he said unto the horsekeeper: I pray thee (fellow) tell my L. thy master, that in as much as he did not afford me a bed in a chamber, I have left him a chamber in a bed: Camera signifying in spanish both a chamber and a stool.  
In regard of the many Chimneys that are now adays built in houses, and the slender hospitality that is kept, a pleasant companion said, that chimneys are built so cunningly now a days, that seldom or never they are seen to fume.  
Fernando King of Spain came in progress to the castle of Montillia, which was newly built by one Don Alonso de Aguilar an Esquire, and finding the stairs somewhat too strait for so stately a building: the Gent. said: And like your Majesty I never thought so great a Guest should ever have mounted up upon them.  
A Housholder having unruly Guests allotted him, said unto the Harbinger: Believe me (sir) I am greatly beholding to you for my guests: he asked him why: Marry because (quoth he) they are so bad, as I shall rest most glad at their departure.  
One said to his Host: This fruit that you serve first in to this board, in my country useth to be served in last: The Host answered: yea, and here too for this once. For it was all his fare at that time.  
One invited his friend to dinner, and having made him but slender cheer, excused the matter saying: Insooth (sir) we have neither pheasant, nor Partridge, nor Lark, nor any other good bird for you at this time, other then heartily welcome: Th'other answered: You please the birds well in that.  
A churl invited a Gent. to dinner, and having made him but homely cheer, said, that he was hearty welcome, as a friend not as a stranger: The Gentleman answered: Believe me I never thought we had been so great good friends.  
One said to his guest: methinks you drink very little wine, if all the world drunk no more than you, wine would be good cheap: Not so (answered th' other) rather would it be very dear: For I assure you, I drink as much as I can.  
In Spain Bishops marry not: A Spanish Gent. had half a fool to his son, and on a time he taught him how to entertain Guest with talk, as to ask them, how doth your wife and your children, your brother and your sister, and so forth. The next day a Bishop came to this Gentleman's house, & this young Master his son thus saluted him: I pray you (my Lord) how doth your wife and your children, your sons and your daughters, your brothers and your sisters? etc.  
A Spaniard traveling on the way, alighted at a poor Inn, and they asked him his name: he answered: Don Pedro Gonzales Gayetan de Guevara: Whereunto they replied: Sir, we have not meat enough for so many.  
A Conie-catcher hired a chamber, and said to his hostess, I assure you (hostess) I never yet came in house in all my life, where at parting I was not greatly lamented: And he said true, For he still departed without penie-paying.  
One coming to lodge in a poor Alehouse, asked the hostess for a good bed: With that she brought him into an inner room, and showed him the bare earth, saying: Lo ye here seven foot length at least: Hear rest ye: Content (quoth he) but where (I pray you) is the pillow? She answered: Faith you are too dainty.  
An ill-favoured man invited a stranger to dinner, and at last in came his wife, who had also as bad a face as he: The stranger seeing her, said unto him: I pray ye (sir) is this your wife? he answered: yea: Then the stranger replied: In sooth (sir) I would have thought she had been your sister.  
Queen Isabella's Harbinger buillited a Courtier in a Painter's house, who wh●n he came to him, and show'd him the bill, and that he had read it, and perceived thereby that he was one of the Queen's Gentlemen, he strait tore it, and said: As sure as you are the Queen's Gentleman, so sure am I the Duke of Nazareths man: Go seek ye lodging else where, for here ye lodge not.  
It was a Gent. chance to be benighted in a blind parish, where he was feign to lie in as blind an Alehouse: who when he went to bed, they brought him a little ladder to get up unto it, by reason it was very high: Which he seeing, said: Is this (I pray) the Fleas ladder?  
In Mourtia a town in Spain, there is an hospital of Bedlams and fools, called S. Bennets hospital: whereupon the madmen & fools of that place are also called San Benitos: A citizen of that town upon S. Bennets day, invited a many of his friends to dinner, and after dinner was done, and the cloth taken up, one of the company said unto him: We thank you for all this good cheer to day, & many a San Benito I pray God may you see in your house: He meant many a S. Bennets day.   

OF MERCHANTS AND Misers.  
TWo thieves came by night into a merchants house of Toledo, and stole away a desk and a featherbed: The merchant hearing a noise, arose and went down; and finding they were but new gone, followed them, to see what would become of his goods. One of the thieves looking back espied him, & said: Why how now, do you dog us? No (answered the Merchant) but only to see whether you remove me.  
One asked a Merchant how he could sleep soundly a nights owing so much as he did: he answered: Why man, my Creditors do sleep.  
A Merchant asked a wise man, how he might preserve his wealth: who answered: Commit it not to Fortune.  
Hernando de Pulgar used to say, that who so desires to be soon rich, must have two Muches, and two Littles: Much Avarice, and Much Diligence: Little Shame, and Little Conscience.  
An Alderman lying on his deathbed, certain his prentices came to see him, and besought him to leave them some good advise, as a monument both of his great wisdom and goodwill towards them: Then he reared himself up upon his pillow, and said: Taste your pottage before you crumb in your bread: and so died.  
A Merchant had agreed with a Woodmonger for all his faggots at pence a piece one with another: The Woodmonger after having thus bargained, told him, that unless he would give him somewhat over & above, he would not unload them, Go too then (said the merchant) I am content thou shalt &c. With that the Woodmonger unloaded, and when he had done, did also help to carry them down into the Cellar, in hope of etc. Then the Merchant paid him for his faggots: and he demanding his etc. the Merchant adswered: My meaning was that thou shouldst help to carry the faggots down into the Cellar over and above thy bargain: So art thou paid thy &c.  
A Merchant being asked with what master he meant to place his son to learn Arithmetic, he answered: With the Hangman, ●or that he of all others is the bravest Accountant, viz. of men's deaths.  
One said to his acquaintance: I greatly marvel that you are no richer, considering that on my certain knowledge, you may dispend eight Testers a day, and you spend not passing two of them: Th'other answered: Two I pay, two I lend, two I spend, and two I lose. The two I pay, are those I allow my poor father and mother toward their maintenance: the two I lend, are those I allow for my sons education in the University: which I hope he will one day repay me again (if I so long live) as now I do unto my father. The two I spend, are upon myself, my wife, and family. The two I lose, are those my wife spends every day in toys and babbles upon herself, which I never look for more.  
One that ought a merchant a great sum of money, and his day of payment being near at hand, shifted away all his goods, and fled the Country. The wise merchant hearing thereof, was hearty glad, and came to his wife and told her, that in as much as his said debtor was now run away, and had forfeited his band, he would (before God) take the benefit of the double.  
A merchant that ought much, and was not able to correspond, fled the Country, and for haste left much of his goods undisposed of: Which his creditors seizing upon, and selling at the street door to the most givers: one came & bought a featherbed, and said: It is good sleeping in his bed, that ought so much money.  
One passing by a miserly merchants new fair house, said to his companion: Yonder fair house is built for wealth, not for Worship.  
A Gentleman lent a merchant his horse, who at his return vaunted unto him what a gallant horse it was, and how by the way as he rid, he out-galloped all the horses he overtook, and had won with him half a dozen wagers, so swift he paced it, and so bravely he had put him to it. The Gent. answered. For such honour let my horse thank you.  
A miserly Merchant ask one whom he greatly disdained, how he came by so rich a widow, he answered: Even as a man may come by yours after you are dead.  
A officious Welshman seeing a cripple merchants widow snayling over London bridge, took pity on her trembling gate, and friendly offered her his helping hand all along: And as they footed it together, the old woman asked him by the way what countryman he was: he answered: A Welshman: whereupon she strait desired him to shi●t on the other side of her: which he did, and so led her safe to her house at the bridge-foot At parting she heartily thanked him for such his good nature, and prayed God to bless him: and he asked her what was the reason that upon his saying that he was a Welshman, she strait desired him to shift on the other side of her: she answered: Oh (son,) my purse hung on that side.  
An old Carmougion had worn a hat full fifteen years to an end, and seeing it at last wax red and rotten, he said: See, see the falsehood of these Haberdasher's, how slight they make their wares.  
A Nobleman sent a Gent. of his in great diligence, about some especial affairs, and such was his diligence, that he killed his Lord's horse by the way. Being returned home, it pleased the Nobleman to make him pay fifty crowns for the horse, saying that he was content to reward him so well as to forgive him the rest: The Gentleman thought himself hardly dealt withal, and answered: Sir, this is neither reward nor Almose.  
Certain Serving men complained to their niggardlie master how that his Steward allowed them but only Salads and Cheese to their Suppers a nights: Whereupon the Gentleman called the Steward before him, and in a great chafe said unto him: Is it true (N.) that you give my men salads and Cheese to their suppers? I charge you do no more so, but give them their Salads one night, and their Cheese another, and so in order.  
A niggardlie Gentleman found fault with a dish of unsavoury Oliffes that was set before him, and called it Cobblerie stuff: A jester then to tax his Miserlinesse, said: Belike (sir) they are fallen to that trade, because they will not be beholding to you.  
A Miser said unto his man: Sirrah, you had best be gone lest I give you that you would not willingly have. The serving-man answered: Sir, I believe you not, for you never give.  
A rich Churl was so miserlie minded, that he thought all mischiefs that befell any of his neighbours, was in respect that they wished him ill, or went about to do him some despite It chanced that his man riding in an evening to water his horse, both he and the horse drowned: Whereupon the miser said: See, see, out of doubt the Varlet hath done this to spite me.  
One was commending a miserly Gent. and said that he was passing discreet, and as orderly in all his actions as a clock: An other answered: The Clock that gives not is nought worth.  
One asked a rich Usurer how many sons he had, who answered eighteen: Eighteen (replied th'other) Believe me, had you as many more, the country hath curses enough for ye all.  
A rich Miser lying on his deathbed, a preacher came to him, & willed him to think on God: he answered: Oh, so would I, but it is all too late, I must now despair and die: Oh, say not so (replied the good man) for God's mercy is above all his works and upon that main mercy of his rely all your hope, for he (dear Saviour) died for all: With that in stepped a poor man to the Miser's bed side, and said: Sir, for the passion of God remember the five pounds you own me, for I am a poor man, and without it am utterly undone: The Miser heerat reared himself up upon his pillow, and staring a good while on the poor man's face, at last he answered: Sirrah, I own thee no five pounds, for I have cast all on Christ's back, as this good father hath willed me.  
One seeing a rich Churl lighting himself in the dark with a rush-candle, said: Alas (poor man) will your purse afford you no better light? he answered: This lights me to reckon my riches at the years end.  
A liberal man gave three shillings for a couple of Partridges, and a churl (his companion) rebuked him for such excess: whereunto he answered: Tell me insooth, might you have these two Partridges for three pence, would you not give it? Yes marry (answered the Churl) that were a very reasonable penniewoorth: The other replied: As little set I by three shillings as you by three pence.  
Two Gent. dwelling together in one house, were at deadly food with one another: And the one of them being a most niggish and miserable man, for the more safety of his person against all poison that th'other might prepare against him, entertained a trusty fellow into his service, and gave him due instructions how to serve him at board, and especially to be very wary what drink he gave him, and generally of all poison, and in conclusion, offered him but 18. pence wages a month. The serving-man seeing such his misery, said: For ought I can see, your worship is rather in danger of famine then of poison.  
A miserable churl bestowed an old greasy hat upon an old servant of his, and said: Hold here (N) this hat over and above thy wages, and see thou deserve it: The serving-man answered With such gifts your Worship shall be sure to be no loser.  
An ouer-pined miser complained that he had lost almost all the teeth in his head with the rheum: A slander by answered: Rather for want of use.  
A worshipful Gent. used to promise much and perform little: Whereupon a Gentlewoman merrily said unto him: In sooth (master N.) you were even the best Gent. in the world, if your purse strings hung at your mouth.  
An extreme miser had gotten together a huge heap of treasure, wherewith he purchased at one time 1600. pounds' land a year: This wretch being at Church was overheard to pray; Lord, I thank thee that thou hast given me sufficient, whereby I need not to serve any man, and thy grace to retain none to serve me.  
A Miser had great store of poultry about his house, and seldom or never killed any of them, but let them live their utmost date, and so die. Being asked why he did so: he answered: The surest penny in my purse is that I do not spend.  
A boisterous Miser dwelled near a jail: and passing on a time under it, the prisoner at the grate said unto him: Good your Worship's charity among a many poor prisoners here for God's sake: he answered: Neither meat, nor money can I spare thee. The beggar replied: Yes (sir) well we wots your worship keeps a bountiful house, for never look we out at our Turret window, but we see great smoke in your kitchen chimney: That is belike (answered the Miser) when my folk make me sops: Sops (replied the prisoner) They are fat sops that make such fat chaps.  
One that was reputed a very rich miser, and yet died but a poor man, and greatly indebted, another said ofhim: Sure, I had not thought be had been so honest a man▪   

OF ARTISANS AND Prentices.  
A Gent. looking out at his window, espied his neighbour's wife in privy familiarity with a Mason, who wrought in that house: Whereupon taking occasion to walk abroad, and passing along by that door, he knocked thereat, and strait forth stepped the Mason, and asked him what his Worship would. Then the Gent. asked him what he made there: he answered, An Oven: An Oven? (replied the Gent.) Nay, 'tis horns, and that's no Mason's work.  
A poor countryman was desirous to make his son a Butcher, and came to a Gentleman a neighbour of his, to crave his advise where to place him with some cunning one: Who answered, with a Physician, for that they of all others (he said) were the bravest Butchers.  
A joiner was a making a sleight Cubberd, and one that beheld it, said: it seems (my good friend) you make this Cubberd for the father, and not for the son.  
A Gentleman willed an Arras-maker to work him a piece of tapistry, figured with a fair Castle, and within the Castle a Dog barking, and at the Castle-gate a man all in complete armour, brandishing in his hand a naked sword: The workman wrought it, and brought it home: Which the Gent. viewing, and missing the Dog, angerly excepted thereunto: The workman then merrily answered: Belike (Sir) it is now dinner time within the Castle, and the skeruie Cur is a gnawing a bone somewhere in a corner.  
One asked a Painter how it chanced he drew so fair pictures and begat so fowl children: He answered: I paint by day, and beget by night.  
A Tyler and his son were a tyling of a house, and the father did his work so loosely, that his son found fault therewith: Whereunto he answered: Fool, do it well to day, and beg to morrow.  
One asked a Cheesmonger what was the reason that butter and Cheese were so dear: he answered: Because wood & coals are dear: meaning that because Butter and cheese might be eaten without charge of fire, and therefore was much bought up, his trade thought good to rear the prices of them to a higher rate.  
A Passenger ask a waterman why he wrought that day being Trinity-sunday: he answered: I own here and there a many dribbling debts, and my friends are unkind and will not do for me, and therefore I am evenfain to borrow of the Lord, God help me.  
One gave over his Alehouse in London, and went to set up in Saint Albon: By chance one of his London-mates passing by his door, and seeing him stand there: asked him what he meant to give over his Alehouse at London and come thither: he answered: To recollect myself.  
A poor man traveling on the way, met with a poor Tailor, who offered him his shears to sell: He (because it was an easy pennyworth) gave him all the money he had for them, thinking that the next place he came at, he might happily sell them for more. So traveilling on his way, at last he came to an Alehouse, where by chance was then a tailors wife a tippling among her Gossips, who seeing his shears, strait thought he was a Tailor, and had him home to her house to dinner. And after dinner, brought him forth a piece of cloth to cut out in garments. He all this while was content, took the chalk in his hand, and began to make and unmake, and countermake a many lines and dashes upon the cloth, and so continued a good space: till at last she marueilling thereat, asked him what he did: he answered: I measure out how many Sizzers these shears will make.  
One asked a plain fellow whether he could tile or no: he answered: Yea, in good hour be it spoken, I have tiled in London.  
A discontented Tailor said to a niggardly Gent. who had abridged him a third part of his bill: You a Gentil? Faith (sir) no, a jew you are.  
An Artisan fed his Prentice only with Livers and Lights: And being on a day to go do a little work out of town: he bid his Prentice come after, and meet him at such a place: Mean time he went afore, and being come to the place appointed, there he stayed for his Prentice, whom at last he might see coming aloof off with a load on his shoulders, and being come near him, he marueilled thereat, and asked him why he brought that great log with him: the Prentice answered: So many lights have I eaten, that I thought the open country-ayre would have carried me quite away, and therefore did I take this load upon me.  
A Scavinger loading a dung-cart, by chance a Kite flew over him, and a Tailor in the next shop seeing it, said: Oh, see there (sirrah) your fellow Scavinger: No, (answered the Scavinger) Pricklouse, it is a Buzzard like you.  
A Gentlewoman fearing to be drowned, said: Now, jesus receive our souls: Soft mistress (answered the waterman) I trow we are not yet come to that pass.  
A Butcher running after a sheep in the street, and crying to the people: Stop the sheep, stop the sheep: An other ran after him, and cried: Stop the thief, stop the thief.  
A merry old Artisan seeing a milk-woman pass by his shop, and crying (fresh Cheese and Cream,) called her to him, and tasting to her cream-pot, as though he meant to buy, drunk it clean off, and so delivered her the pot again, saying: Get ye gone (ye baggage,) come ye hither to cozen me with your sour milk.  
Within a while after an Aqua vitae-man past by: and he calling him into his shop, took his Aqua vitae bottle out of his hand to taste thereof, as though he meant to buy: and drank of it at least a six-pennie draft, and so deliured him his bottle again, saying: I marry, this warms my cold cream well, and cheers me at the very heart.  
One ask a Woodmonger whether such a widow were not in his debt: he answered: No truly, she hath always paid me very virtuously.  
A London-Printer sent his Prentice for a mess of Mustard, who ask him where he should fetch it, he surly answered: In France: Very good sir (quoth the Prentice) And with that he took a Mustard-pot in his hand, and forth he went to P●llinsgate where finding a ship bound for France, he embarked therein, & to France he went: where he remained the space of almost a year: At last returned home again, he came that very same day twelvemonth to his master, and delivered him the foresaid potful of Mustard, saying: Hold here (Master) your mess of French Mustard.  
The said Prentice entering by and by after into his masters Printing-house, and finding a Dutchman there working at the Press, strait stepped unto him, and snatching the balls out of his hands, gave him a good cuff on the ear, & said: Why how now (Butterbox?) Cannot a man so soon turn his back to fetch his master a mess of Mustard, but you to step strait into his place?   
The end of the fourth part of this book.   

Wits, Fits, and Fancies. The Fift part.  

OF JESTERS.  
ONe asked the Marquis of Villena his jester, what virtue he thought was in a Turkey stone: he answered: Marry if you should chance to fall from the top of a high tower, you to break your neck, and the stone to have no hurt.  
The Marquis of Villena willed his Chamberlain to give his Fool Perico de Ayala one of his cloth of gold jerkins, and the Chamberlain delivered him only the sleeves and the skirts of it: The Vice seeing himself so deluded, went strait to the Father of the confraternity of the Court, and told him that one was deceased that night out of the Marquis of Villena his rooms, and willed him to come fetch away the Course forthwith to burial. The Priest believed him, & came thither with a many people attending him, not knowing but that he went in very deed for a dead body: Passing along (the Fool foremost, tinkling the bell in his hand as the manner is,) the Marquis hearing the bell, looked out at the window, and asked wherefore they came thither: The Vice answered: We come (my Lord) for the body of the coat you gave me, which I verily suppose is dead, because I have here some principal members of it, without which out of doubt it cannot live.  
The Emperor Charles being private on a time in his privy Chamber, accompanied only with his jester, one Romero de Figueroa a poor Gent. (whose small living lay upon the edge of Portugal) came and desired to speak with his Majesty: The jester told the Emperor thereof: who answering: Bid him choose some other time, for that I am now disposed to be private a while: No, I beseech you Caesar (replied the jester) let us have him in, for out of doubt, he will else for very anger put up all his lands in a basket and fly to Portugal.  
Alonso King of Spain progressing along the country, passed by a great hill in the midst of a plain, which seemed to have been cast up by the hands of men, and ask the cause of it, answer was made, that in the time of Almanzar a Moor King, Cordua was then chief town of all that country, and he enjoined the inhabitants thereabout, in token of their true allegiance to him, every householder once a year to bring to that place a basket-full of earth, which being performed the space of many years together, raised it to that hugeness as did appear: Then the King asked his jester how many baskets-full of earth he thought it contained: he answered: Making one basket capable of the one half, there are just two baskets-ful.  
The Emperor Charles being present at a Bull-bay●ing with darts, a couple of Gallants bravely mounted showed themselves most forward in the game, which the Emperor noting, asked his jester what he thought of them: who answered, They shall even perish both together, as did S. Philip and S. james. And indeed it fell out so, that the Bull overthrew them both from their horses, and left them there for dead.  
A covetous Earl came to salute the Emperor Charles, and his jester seeing him, still pointed to him, and sai● to the Emperor, Este es conde, Este es Conde. viz. this is the Earl, this is the Earl: Esconde signifying also in Spanish to hide or to hoard up.  
The foresaid jester was stabbed to death by a Courtier for his over insolent mis-demeanour towards him: And as he was a carrying home to his lodging, accompanied with a great multitude of people: at last his wife espied him out at the window, & said: Alas my dear husband! what is it he? Oh what a piteous sight do I see: The jester overhearing her, answered: Nay, nay, (wife) no great matter (wife) only they have slain your husband.  
The said jester being at the point of death, another jester came to see him, and said: Ah my dear Francisco: and wilt thou needs be gone? Then (sweet Francisco) when thou comest to thy kingdom (I pray thee) pray for me. That will I (answered Francisco) but to th'end I may the better remember thee, hold here, tie a thread about my finger.  
The wags of the Court had curtayled a jesters nag: and he in revenge thereof cut off the upper lips of a main Courtiers S●eeds in the base Court: who coming down from the Presence every one to take his horse, and laughing to see the jesters nag at the ourt-gate so disfigured: Laugh on, laugh on sirs, (said the jester) I dare warrant ye, you shall see your horses laugh too anon, and out-laugh ye all.  
A little Nobleman wore a broad brimmed hat in the Court, and a jester seeing it, said: Give my Lord but such another hat below, and you may serve him up to the emperors board as between two dishes.  
A jester seeing a poor Gent. at dinner time now and then convey a Modicum of every dish into the cape of his cloak, said unto the company: Sirs, I am now determined to make my last will & Testament before you all: And first, I bequeath my soul to God, and my body to be buried in the cape of yonder Gentleman's cloak: and with that stepping to him, snatched his cloak from him, and all to shook it before the company, Then out dropped here a bird, and there a bird, and choice of much good cheer, he still shaking it and saying; I mean this cloak (sirs) this cloak I mean.  
A jester used to say, that as soon as ever he perceived a fray toward, he strait became a Launce-man: Being asked how so: he answered: Marry I launch forthwith into the next house.  
A jester meeting the Duke of Infantasgo between two fantastical gallants, cried out aloud unto him: My Lord, my Lord you go in danger: The Duke ask him: whereof: he answered of drowning, were it not for those two bladders on either arm of you.  
The Cardinal Siliceo being on a time merrily disposed, sent for one Ravago a pleasant fellow to disport him withal: Who after he had pleasantly jested before him a good while, at last fell to begging, and besought a good thing: which the Cardinal granted him: Then he besought his Grace to put him in good security for the performance of his said grant: With that the Cardinal naming a certain singingman of that church, the jester excepted unto him, and said: Nay, nay (my Lord) I'll no such sureties as wear no buttons upon their doublets, for fear the air carry them away.  
A jester seeing an old Gent. in the street homely attired, and wearing an old fashioned Tablet hanging down his breast before, said: It is a good letter though interlined.  
A jester being asked what time he would gladliest choose to die in: he answered: When john a Nokes dies: And why so? (said th'o●her) Marie because (quoth he) he is so errand an Usuring Cuckold-maker, that whensoe'er he dies, I am sure the devils will be all so busy about his soul, that mine may sneak along by them and near be seen.  
A jester lying a dying, sent for a shoemaker, and willed him to make him a pair of shoes for his soul, the soles all of Bell-mettle: The Shoemaker ask him why so: he answered: Marry, to th'end my friends may know by my loud trampling in heaven (after I am dead) that there I am.   

OF SERVINGMEN AND PAGES.  
THe Duke of Infantasgo sent his Page with a Peacock between two curious Venice-dishes to the Earl of Saldania: and it chanced that as the Page discovered the upper dish▪ to show the Earl the present, down it fell and broke all to pieces: The Earl received the Peacock, and returned one of his Gent. with the Page, to excuse him to the Duke: who hearing of the mischance, all in anger asked the Page how he broke it: with that he having the other dish in his hand, let it fall to the ground and broke it, and then said: Even thus and like your Grace I broke it.  
A plain Steward gave in amongst other his accounts to his Master: Item, ●or scouring the Privy, and trimming your Worship's beard ij. shillings vj. pence.  
Such an other Accountant gave up in his accounts to his master amongst other things: Item, for a pennyworth of lace ij. pence.  
A Gent. Cook forsook him, and went to serve another master, whom the Gent. meeting certain months after attired all in green, said unto him: methinks (N.) you look very green now a days: True sir (answered the Cook) for I am sowed in a good ground.  
A Nobleman of Spain, whose living was good, but not excessive, had a vain in placing and displacing his servants, especially his Bailiffs, and accountants: Whereupon his mother ask one of his men on a time what place he had in his masters service, or what accounts he yielded up at the years end: he answered: Acts and Monuments.  
A serving-man was discoursing to his master how bountiful Don Diego Desa, Bishop of Civil, was unto his Servants: who answered: He doth well, for that all that he hath, he hath it but during his life. The serving-man replied: Now I pray you (sir) for how many lives enjoy you your goods?  
One Gent. was a telling to an other, that his Page was run away from him, notwithstanding he had always used him well, both with good clothes to his back, and spending money in his purse: Whereunto the other answered: And I for my part have a poor knave, whom I still keep bare and penniless, and yet he loves me well, and will never forsake me: How can he forsake you, (replied th'other) having no wings wherewith to fly away?  
Certain Gentlewomen came a gossiping to a kinswoman of theirs that was lately brought a bed a mile out of Toledo: The Gentlewoman's husband being desirous to make them a brave banquet, called his man to him, & bid him saddle a horse quickly and ride to Toledo for such and such kinds of sweet meats, and hie him home again presently. The fellow went his way, and coming into the stable to saddle a horse, he could not find the bridle: So whiles he was a seeking for it, his master thought it long till he were returned: and said to them that were with him. Now by this time my man is on horseback, and away he flings: And anon after: Now is he half way (quoth he) Lord how the Knave gallopeth: And within a while after he added; Now is he entered into Toledo, and now he buys the sweet meats, and now he is half way home, and at last saying, And now he alighteth at the stable-doore, and now hear where he comes up▪ the stairs, and now see (sirs) where he enters in: Even as he said so, in came the serving-man indeed, and said: Sir I cannot find the bridle.  
A Gent. advised a poor man that was desirous of service, in any case to make choice of so discreet a master, who happily, though he be not able to pay him his wages in due season, or otherwise well reward his good desert, yet that at leastwise will acknowledge his good service to deserve consideration.  
Velvet in Spanish is called Tertie-pelo, as much to say in English as three Piles: A Spanish Courtier promised one of his men his suit of Crimson tertio-pelo: viz. of crimson Velvet, but wore it himself afterward till it became all peeled and bare, and withal ought his man three quarters wages: It chanced on a day that going to the Court, he miss this servingman, & sent an other of his men to seek him out, and to bid him meet him in such a place: Whereunto the fellow thus answered the Messenger: Tell my master, if he mean I should come wait upon him, that he send me my Tertio: viz. my three quarters wages, For as for the Pelo: viz. the Piles, that is already all too peeled.  
The Duke of Infantasgo sent a merry man o● his about important business, and by reason of much rain that fell that night, a brook which he was to pass, was so swollen that he could go no further. Whereupon he turned back again without dispatching his Lord's affair: The Duke hereat was all in a chafe, and sore beknaued him: Whereunto he answered: It seems your Grace sent me rather to dispatch myself then your business.  
A Gent. having jerked his Page for a fault, bid him in th'end pluck up his clothes and make him ready: Whereunto the Page answered: Sir, they are th'Executioners fee.  
A Footman accounting to his master how he had spent his money; amongst other things put in: Item, a Pie for myself iiij. pence, and for litter and provender for your horses xii. pence.  
A many Pages prattling together in the Court, and every one of them wishing his wish: I wish (said one of them) that I were a Mellown, that every man might smelto my tail how good I am.  
An old Earl being sent for to the Court to answer some dangerous matter that was to be laid to his charge, walked up and down in his gallery all in a dump, and thus mumbled to himself: Good old Earl be gone, for the Emperor (thou seest) hath sent for thee, and thou must be at the Court within ten days, or be accounted a Traitor: go get thee gone then, good old Earl: A Page overhearing him, thus remumbled unto him: So shall you nevertheless, good old Earl.  
A Gent. said unto his man: When I leave of this suit, I give it thee. The next morning the Gent. arising, missed that Suit, and (behold) in comes his man with it upon his back: which he seeing, sore beknaued him, and would have beat him. Then the serving-man said: Why (sir) your Worship left it off yesternight.  
A Gent. and his man passing through a field together, a Crow in a tree cried Kaw, kaw: See yonder N. (quoth the Master) yonder Crow calleth thee knave: No sir (he answered) he beckons to your Worship, as to the better man.  
A serving-man overtook a coach by the way as he rid, & asked the rear-man of the train, what Lady or Gentlewoman it was: the serving-man answered: The Queen of Clubs: I thought as much (replied th'other) seeing the Knave of Clubs to ride so fast after.  
The Duke of Bejara sent his Page to the next town to buy him a Crossbow, and the Page entering in at the town gate, saw certain Sergeants' apprehending an Uncle of his for debt not without much bickering, and some bloud-shead: Whereupon he betook himself to his heels, and ran back again to his Lord, and said: I durst not bring your Honour a hitting thing, for fear to have been hit myself.  
A Gent. had an errand thief to his man, and he in seeming to praise his fidelity, thus dispraised him, saying: Not any thing in all my house is under lock and key from A.B. and he knows it well enough: For in deed he had a vice to pick open any lock whatsoever.  
A Nobleman being to pass through a water, commanded his Trumpeter to go before, and sound the depth of it: Who to show himself very mannerly, refused this encharge, and pushed the Nobleman himself forward, saying. No (sir) not I, your L. shall pardon me.  
A young serving-man having a most miserly master, thus excused him with a flout, saying: Insooth I cannot justly condemn my good master, for truly he never promiseth or giveth any thing, but he is strait penitent for it.  
A serving-man used still to say to his master: Now I beseech God (sir) to take away my days, and bestow them upon your worship, that long may ye live: Riding before his master on a time in a dark evening, and in a great snow, far from any housing, and quite out of the way, he then said unto his master: Oh (sir) these are the days I always prayed God to take from me and bestow upon your Worship.  
A Portugal Gent. traveilling into Spain with a civil retinue, a Spaniard met him on the way, and asked the rear-man of his train what Gentleman he was: The Portugal answered: No Gentleman: Then he asked him what Gallant he was: he answered: No Gallant: Then he asked him, what Nobleman he was: he answered: No Nobleman: At last he asked him what man he was: he answered: No man neither, but the King of of Portugal's Cousin.  
One ask a serving-man how much his miserly masters revenue was: he answered: Able to starve a thousand persons.  
Queen Issabels' Harbinger passing along the street, a Spaniard asked his Portugall-seruant, who his Master was: Whereunto the Portugal made no answer at all: With that the Spaniard (thinking happily he was deaf,) shook him a little by the cloak, and then asked him as before: Wherewith the Portugal all in a pelting chafe, then answered: My master, my master, who (forsooth) is my master? why who (the deu'l) should he be but all the world?  
A Gent. sent his man to one Preister his adversary in law, with the Courts Injunction to avoid possession, and yield up his house to him: The serving-man went and did his message thus: Good M. Preister, my master sends you his Confession by me, and confesseth unto you, how that to morrow (God willing) he means to turn you out of house and home by virtue hereof, and with that show'd him the Injunction.  
A great Gent. used much bounty toward his rich servants, and none at all to his poor ones: It chanced on a time, that riding through a water, his horse stood still, & stalled in the midst of it: Whereupon one of his poor servants merrily said unto him: Your Worship resembles your horse now, adding his bounty to the needless stream, All to all, & none to nothing.  
An angry Gent. gave one of his men two good flurrets in the ear, whereat one of his fellows by, fell a laughing: which heperceiving, flew strait to his master, & gave him a box on the ear, and said: Sir, I return your Worship this again, to bestow upon yonder knave that stands laughing at me so.  
A Nobleman gave an old servant of his two boxes on the ear: And the next day being displeased with one of his Pages, merrily then said unto him: I pray thee N. restore me one of the boxes I gave thee yesterday, to bestow upon this villain-boy: he answered: Not only that (my Lord) for your Boys, but the other also (if you please) for your Hobberdchoyes.  
A serving-man being brought before a justice upon suspicion of felony, the justice asked him whom he served: he answered: God: With that the justice strait commanded him away to prison: Shortly after being brought before him again at the Sessions, he asked him (as before) whom he served: And he answered: My Lord Chancellor: My Lord Chancellor? (said the justice) why what (a deu'l) makest thou here then? why told'st thou me not as much at first? He answered: Because I did not think you had loved my L. Chancellor better than God.   

OF BISCAYNS AND FOOLS.  
A Physician sent a sick Biscayn purging pills to lose him withal, and he tasting and chewing one of them in his mouth, & finding it passing bitter, spit it out again, the rest he wrapped in bundle of hay, saying: There rest ye till ye be through ripe.  
A Gentleman sending his Biscayn-man of an errand, bid him do it with great efficacy: and the Biscayn answered: Efficacy me no Efficacies: for all were M. Efficacy the devil himself I durst speak to him.  
A Biscayn being demanded what Countryman he thought God was, he answered: Questionless a Castilian, for that never in all my life could I yet love him heartily.  
The Emperor Charles was preparing to strike a Deer with a crossbow, and a Biscayn-page being by, mounted upon a gall'd-backe jade, suddenly whipped from off his horse, & taking off the saddle, threw it toward the Deer, and so frayed him away: The Emperor angry heerat, asked him why (the devil) he did so: Whereunto the boy (taking the Emperor by the sleeve and chewing him his jades galled back) answered: The saddle that can do all this, is it not able (trow ye) to kill a Dear?  
A Spanish Preacher willed his Biscayn-boy to go break his fast at one David's a Cook, upon his score. Mean while he went to Church to preach: And reciting in his sermon a many authorities out of Scripture, for the probate of his text, he said: And now (sirs) what says David (trow ye) to this gear? Even as he said so, instept the boy at the Church-door, and hearing him talk of David, answered him aloud: Marry, no more Pies (he saith) till you have paid him the old score.  
A Cockney seeing a Squirrel in a shop, greatly admired it, and said. jesus God, what pretty things are made for money!  
A Biscayn-Doctor had promised one an Ass, which Ass died shortly after. In th'end the party sent to him for it, and he returned him answer, viz. that he was now not bound to send him the foresaid Ass, for as much as since the day of such his promise made, the Ass was departed his natural life.  
A Fool lay a sleep in a field, and had pricked his staff in the ground before his face to fence him from the wind: By chance one coming by awaked him, and asked him why he had pitched the staff there: he answered: To defend me from the wind: Fool (said the other) that can not any whit shield thee: The fool replied: Can the wind blow through it trow ye?  
It was a controversy in law between two wise men, whether of them a Cuckoo (which they saw in a tree) called cuckoo unto: And after that they had therein wasted all their pence, in th'end they agreed to put it to compromise to a neighbour of theirs, whom in the mean time they both plied with butter & Bacon enough, & such other like country-cates to draw him on their side: But he finding himself beholding to both their bounties alike, at last when the hour was come, he thus awarded, saying: My good neighbours, to neither of you both did the Cuckoo cry Cuckoo, but to me, and there an end.  
A dog had bitten a Fool, and the Fool finding him the next day a sleep in the grass, knocked out his brains, and said: He that hath enemies, let him take heed how and where he sleeps.  
A Stranger came to see the Fools in Bedlam, and one of them asked him of whence he was: He answered of Newarke: Then the Fool asked him whether his father & mother were living, what brothers and sisters he had, and what trade or occupation he was of: All which he told him, and withal that he was a Goldsmith: Then the Fool asked him what business brought him thither: he answered: None, but only to see you To see us? (replied the Fool) Have you a trade at Newarke, and come you hither but only to see us? Believe me (brother) I am not in here for any such matter, viz. for so very a fool.  
A serving-man was jesting with his masters fool, and made him believe he would cut off his head: The Fool ran strait to his master and told him of it: who answered: He shall not cut off thy head, if he do, I'll hang him the next day after: Nay I pray (replied the Fool) rather hang him a day before.  
One used to say that a Fool more benefits a wise man, than a wise man a fool: for that the folly of a Fool admonisheth a wise man from ●ollie, but a fool cannot comprehend the wisdom of the wise.  
A Gallant passing along by a Fool, the people willed him to do off his hat unto him. With that he ran to the Gent. and struck off his hat from his head. For which being reprehended and told how he should have done it to himself, he answered: That were to steal away my own hat from my head.  
One chid a Fool for that he had thrown dust at his face, and some of it was gotten into his eyes: The Fool answered: Truly I took you for a letter.  
One ask a Fool how long he might be a learning to be like him: he answered: That is according as the boys do ply ye forward.  
One used to say, that the difference between a wise man and a fool is, that a wise man dreams but a nights, and a Fool both day and night.  
A Biscayn-Lackey came home to see his mother, and she asked him how he liked his master: he answered: Faith (mother) an honest Gent. he is, but when he rides in foul ways, then march I fair and softly after like a King: but when he rides in fair ways, oh (mother) that's the devil, then run I, and then sweat I my heart out: His mother replied: Marry than I pray God (son) send thee still foul way where ever thou set thy foot.  
In a tumult in a town of Biscay, the Mayor read the kings Proclamation thus: King of Castille, Leon, Arragon, Navarre, etc. Whereunto they all answered: King & Queen God bless them, but as for etc. the Devil take him, we'll none of him.  
A Gent. sent his Biscayn to market to buy a couple of Partridges, and willed him to choose them very sweet: The Biscayn went, and bought them and brought them home unto his M. who smelling to their fundaments, and finding them unsavoury, threw them at his head, and all to beknaued him: Then the Biscayn said: What (a Devil) ailled ye to smell there a ways, I warrant ye, there's near a Lady in this land but stinks in that cost.  
A Biscayn was sore tormented to confess his committed felony, and he would not do it to die: At last when they had tormented him almost to death, they took him of the torture, & bespoke him fair, saying: Well we see your invincible heart, you are (truly) a man every inch of you. But (faith) tell us now even as you are a Gent. Did you it not? Then the Biscayn answered: I marry (sirs) as I am a Gentleman, that's another matter, why said ye not so at the first? Go to, I did it: Confess and be hanged, and so was he.  
A Physician having given to a sick Biscayn a purging potion, encharged him in any case to hold his mouth close for fear of casting it up again, and so left him: The Biscayn strait took his sword & buckler, and laid them upon his pillow, & his mouth thereupon. In the end the Pothecary came in, and seeing him lie so, asked him what he ailed: he answered: I keep my mouth close.  
Two Biscaynes traveilling on the way, were a hungered, and into a victualing-house they went, and called for meat: The good wife answered, that she had nothing at that present, but only a couple of Honeycombs: Honeycombs (said one of them) what's that I pray ye? Know ye not what a Hony-comb is (answered th'other?) I do. Go to (Hostess) Fry the one, and boil the other, and bring them us presently piping hot.  
A Biscayn brought his Master word how that his mistress was brought a bed, and he asked him whereof, whether of a boy or a daughter: Neither boy nor daughter (answered the Biscayn) but of a better thing. What better thing? (said his master) He answered: Of a dead girl.  
A Biscayn seeing a Castilian Gentlewoman going along the street, her maid holding up her train after her, stood in a maze and said. If it be a tail, why is it born up? and if it be to be born up, why (the Devil) is it a tail?  
A Biscayn forgetting the name of the Halbardiers-street, demanded of one which was the way to the coat of Malestreet.  
An old man, whose beard was all overgrown with grey hairs, asked a Fool how he might do to become young again: The Fool answered: Go to the Barber: But how if that will not serve (said the old man) how then? The Fool replied: Then bind yourself Prentice to some body for a 100 years.  
A Biscayn traveling on the way chanced to pass by a pleasant spring, which seemed to laugh upon him: and he being extreme thirsty, and in sight of a village, loath to drink water, where wine was so near at hand, he laid his finger upon his mouth, and said unto the spring: Nay, laugh, and allure thou near so much, I tell thee true, thou get'st not in here.  
A Biscayn imagining the wheel of a water-mill to go by power divine, bowed down his knee thereunto, and crept towards it to kiss it: The wheel entertained him with a foul flap, striking off his nose clean, & half his cheek away: Whereat the Biscayn impatient, and stark mad, rose up and ran away, & said: I tell thee (villain) thou art no more Gods miracle, the Devil thou art.  
A Biscayn was commending what dainty meat a boiled cock was, and said: that the hee-hen was much better meat than the shee-hen.  
A Biscayn scalded a Coney, and scraping off the hair, said: Little Urchin, I marvel how thou scap'dst breaking thy neck, flying with so little wings.  
A Biscayn inquiring for a shoemaker, said: I pray ye, where dwells there ere a shoo-tayler?  
A Biscayn-woman complained of the Castilians for pruning their Vines every March, affirming that they did it of spite that their Vines might not branch forth as far as Biscay.  
One used to compare follies to mischances, for that they seldom come alone: And therefore whensoever he saw any man do or say a folly, he would still say: Welfare it if it come alone.  
One asked a wisacre, who inherited all his father's innocence: he answered: I, and my brothers, but because I am eldest, the fifteens were allotted to me.  
A foolish man fell out with a Fool, and in his rage ran at him with a cudgel to beat him. The fool turned his back unto him, and sleering over his shoulder, said: We are two, so we are, we are two.  
One asked a Biscayn how many horses his father had: he answered: Five, with four that are dead.  
A Spanish Gent. borrowed his friend's Biscayn-Page to attend him to his Mistress, and being there, he was disposed to jest with the boy, and said unto him. Tell me (sirrah) is it true that all you Biscayns are descended of the fart of a jew? The Page answered: If that be true (sir) you may do well, evermore when you are disposed to fart, to have a Biscayn your companion, and not your borrowed Page.  
A Biscayn coming to a Shoemaker to bespeak a pair of three soled shoes, & forgetting his right terms, said: I would have you make me a pair of shoes, here a shoe & there a shoe an● a shoe between.  
One passing through the Stewes-street in Toledo, saw a very fair wench standing at a door, and asked his companion whether he knew her: who answered: I, she is a Biscayn: Then he replied: That's the reason (belike) that she betakes herself to a trade of so brief conceit.  
A S.Albons-man traveling on the way▪ his horse tired & would no further: Whereupon he took the saddle from o●f his back, and clapped it upon his own, and so marched on, leading the horse in hand fair and softly after: By chance a Barnet-man of his acquaintance meeting him, and marueilling thereat, asked him why he carried the saddle so himself: he answered: I shame the villaine-jade.  
Peter, Stephen, and Thomas were 〈◊〉 ●hree brothers, and john a Nokes knew them all: He being one d●y in place where they were all three spoken of, and demanded whether Thomas were Peter's brother: he answered: No, he is Stephen's brother.  
A Mayor of London being placed in a standing to strike a Deer, and a heard being brought about unto him, and come now somewhat near him, the Keeper made sign unto him to be ready: With that he loudly answered: Let them come, let them come: they are welcome, they are welcome: and so frayed them all away.   

OF COUNTRYMEN AND Clowns.  
PHilip the first, king of Spain, walking abroad in a summers evening, met a forty or fifty Peasants of the country, and being forewarned that in so great a troop of Clowns together, it is their custom always to have a King amongst them: the King passing by them, saluted their said King, with a veiled bonnet, and a bended knee: whereunto the Peasant bravely corresponded, saying: To a Kings salute join me but the Pope's blessing, and there an end.  
A Country-lad had stepped aside with a wench, and done I know not what, but his father mainly belambed him for the fact, the wench proving afterward with child: Certain days after, one ask him wherefore his father had so grievously beaten him: he answered: Faith, for nothing but only for bouncing at the next door to the privy.  
A Country-Farmer asked a London-seruant what countrywoman she was: She answered: No Cockney I warrant you: Good, (replied the Countryman) and even continue still in that honesty a God's name.  
A many Clowns were eating of a Posset together, & one of them burned his chaps, and for very pain let fly a monstrous fart, and said: Go thy ways, thou art even the happiest fart of all thy fellows, for hadst thou stayed still within, thou hadst been most miserably scalded.  
A Countri-lad was desirous to wench away his honesty in a hay-mow, and the Lass being over-fierie, sore burned his dishonest part: His Chirurgeon ask him afterward all the manner and circumstance thereof: he answered: The hay-mow: and adjoined, that he most mareilled how it had the good hap to escape firing, she being so extreme hot as she was.  
A Gent. riding on the way, asked a poor country-boy whose pigs those were: he answered: The Sows: Whose is the Sow than he asked: he answered: My mothers. Who is thy mother? My father's wife. Who is thy father? he answered: Go ask my mother. For these witty overthwarts the Gent. entertained the boy 〈◊〉 his service, and gave him good wages ever after.  
A serving-man quarreling upon the way with a Countryman, offered to snatch his staff out of his hands to beat him therewith: But the Swain so well defended it, that he recovered it wholly to himself, and then sore belambed the serving-man therewithal, saying: Hold, take it; hold, thou shalt have it, and sore bruised him therewith, leaving him therefore dead.  
In a Chapel at Rome was painted the picture of hell, and a countryman viewing it, smiled to himself, and seemed very glad: A Gent. passing by, & seeing him smile so, asked him whereat he smiled: he answered: Marry (sir) because in all this hell, (I thank God) I see near a russet coat.  
A countryman's Ass died, and he going to the next Alehouse, roared most piteously, and said: Well (sirs) seeing my Ass is dead and gone, I know what I'll do: By chance certain Traveillers being then there, and hearing him say so, thought verily that he meant to hang himself, and therefore for pity sake, made him a Purse amongst them, to the price of another Ass: wherewith he seemed reasonable well pleased: And being asked what his meaning was when he said: I know now what I'll do: he answered: Marry (sirs) even to have sold away my packsaddle.  
One shooued a countryman down a pair of stairs, and broke his nose: whereat he baned most miserably, & said: 'Twas thou, (villain) 'twas thou: No (answered the other) 'twas not I, but belike you are over-mellow, & so fell down of yourself.  
A Countryman shent his wife, for that through her default their daughter had strayed aside, and gotten a big belly, affirming that she ought to have locked her up, and kept her short, so had not that mischance happened: The goodwife answered. Lock me no lockings, the deu'il take the key that cannot open that lock.  
A crooked country-clowne of extreme rude behaviour, was chosen by his Parishioners to solicit their law-matter with their learned Counsel: Up he came to the Term, and to his Counsel he hied him: who seeing so deformed and slovenlie a fellow, excepted unto him, and said: What (a deu'il) art thou the only sufficient man of all thy parish to follow this matter? The Clown answered: As for the matter (sir) I can not tell, but as for your Worship (well I wots) they have thought me good enough to come to you.  
Certain Gentlewomen walking in a field after supper, met a countryman carrying a young Kid upon his shoulders: and one of them feeling unto it, how tender it was, said it must needs be tender, having yet no horns out: The Countryman answered: True (mistress) for it is yet unmarried.  
Two noblemen's Caters met at a Fishmarket, and squared about a Sole which of them should have it for his Lord: At last one of them said: Hold here (fishmonger) five Crowns for the Sole: but th'other offered ten, and he had it: A countryman that stood by, and saw this, said: Fie of all tillage, fie of it, a paltry dead Fish to be more worth than two Asses: I'll be a fishmonger I. Perhaps he meant the two Caters.  
A plain countryman riding up to the Term, met a prisoner carted on the way to the gallows, and said aloud unto him: Happy man thou, that hast no doings at the Term.  
A Countryman lent his neighbour an Ass, and he neglected to return him home again at the day appointed, so as the party was fain to go fetch him himself: Who when he came, th'other denied that the Ass was yet come home, and made many flim-flam excuses to detain him a while longer: In the mean time the Ass brayed in the stable, whereby his master knew that there he was, who then waxed very angry with his neighbour for so abusing him. Whereunto th'other in a rage answered: Gog's nails (neighbour) will you believe your Ass before me?  
A plain Countryman came up to the term, and passing by a silkmans' shop, saw a maid there weaving of fringe, to whom he stepped, and asked her how much of that fringe she could weave in one day: The maid answered ten yards: Then he replied: By that account have you woven since I came to town (which is some five days or thereupon,) a fifty yards: Birladie a good housewife are ye, well far your heart.  
A Gent. was a saying to a plain countryman: Believe me (father) if this hot weather hold, it is like to go hard with poor beasts this next winter: The Countryman answered: God preserve your Worship.  
A countrie-swaine drove his Ass before the Court-gate, and a Gent. or two of the Court seeing him all to beat & misuse the poor beast, bid him be more mild and patiented, and favour the silly Ass. With that the Clown strait dost his hat, and made a low curtsy to the Ass, and said: I beseech your good Worship (M. Ass) pardon my rudeness all this while, for (sure) I never thought you had had kindred in the Court afore now.  
A Gent. married a Farmer's daughter of whom afterward he waxed weary & discontented: and on a day in a sullen mood he asked her, how many burdens of straw her father used to serve his beasts every winter: She answered. Before you married me, 300. and since 350. by reason he hath one beast now more than he had.  
A Countryman entering into a City, stumbled and fell with his face into the kennel, and all to bemyred himself therein: At rising up again, he turned round about unto the people, and said: See, see (sirs) I had almost had a fall.  
A Gent. riding through a village asked a countryman what a clock it was: he answered: Clock (sir) we have none, but yet we have a pair of Organs.  
A countryman lying on his deathbed, said: Now thanks be to God that he takes me away before April and May.  
A Felon that was hanged was carted back again to the town to be buried, and a many boys stood gazing upon the course: By chance a plain fellow of the country coming by, and seeing them so gaze, said unto them: Away, away, (sirs) for shame, you are able to put the honest man besides his wits, to gape and gaze so on him.  
A widow Farmeresse in a plentiful year of corn, had much in her barn, and much in her garrets: A creditor of hers came then to demand a debt of her, and she answered: Good faith (neighbour) for my sins it is come to pass, that corn is this year so exceeding good cheap, that (the devil) a penny can I take for any.  
A Preacher in his Good-fryday sermon said unto the people: Sirs, which of you all will not in honour of this day forgive his enemy? A plain fellow than stepped forth from behind a pillar, and answered: Marry (sir) I do. The Preacher ask him whom: he answered: My father, who drowned himself yesterday in a pond.  
A Traveiller being come to a pond, asked a countryman there by, whether it were passable or no: who answered: Yea (sir) you may very well: With that the Traveiller plunging thereinto, stoocke fast, and had much ado to get out again: but at last getting out, he all to rated the poor Swain, and would have beaten him: who answered: Truly (sir) all my neighbour Baal's Geese and mine pass over it every day.  
A plain fellow took up an Ass at trust of his neighbour for certain months, at six Crowns price: It chanced that within that time the Ass died, and he not being able to pay the debt, & embarked for India: Where having remained the space of 7. years, at last home again he returned worth 2000 Crowns: and landing at Civil, wrote a letter from thence to his wife, declaring both his return & his riches: She in answer thereof, advised him (if he meant to come to her) in any case to do it very privily, for that the owner of the foresaid Ass was yet living.  
An old woman of the country being suspected for a witch, was highly offended thereat, and on a time said to one of her Gossips: Now, and pleased God (Gossip) would I were a witch indeed for their sakes, for than should I soon be rid out of this wretched world, and of all their slander.  
A Gent. meeting on the way certain Swains driving of Oxen on a Maie-morning, said unto them: What mean you (sirs) to travel this day, being May-day? If you care not to keep it holy day for S. Philip and S. jacobs' sake, yet at leastwise do it for the May-poales sake.  
A rich Farmer coming to pay his Landlord much rend, by chance a neighbour of his meeting him at the door, and knowing his business said unto him: You enter in like yourself, but you shall come out like S. Fraences.  
A Collier selling a sack of coals to a Citizen's wife, by chance an old frying-pan lay by: then she ask him whether his coals were Oaken coals or no, he strait took up the said frying-pan, and gave it her in her hand, saying: Fry some of them and you shall see.  
A Countryman was lopping of a tree, and down he fell and broke his neck: The clown his man strait ran home, and told his Dame of it, and telling her a long tale, both how he advised him to stand fast, and how dangerously he stood upon the tree, and how he fell down with the Axe in his hand: at last he concluded: And I assure you (Dame) it was a fair grace of God, that he cut not himself with the Axe.  
A plain Country-fellow being to travel homeward from the Term, & passing along London-streets, asked of the shop-men & others whom he met, which was the way to Wakefield.  
A Country-maid coming to market, her Mare stumbled in the market place, and down she fell over and over, showing all that ever God sent her: and then at rising up again, she turned her round about unto the people and said: Gog's life (sirs) did you ever see the like [before?  
A Gent. ask a plain fellow of the Country in a rainy morning, whether he thought it would not prove a fair day for all that. Marry sir (he answered) that shall I show you at night.  
john a Nokes was driving his cart toward Croyden, and by the way fell a sleep therein: Mean time a good fellow came by & stole away his two horses, and went fair away with them. In th'end he awaking, and missing them, said: Either I am john a Nokes, or I am not john a Nokes: If I be john a Nokes, then have I lost two horses, and if I be not john a Nokes, then have I found a cart.  
A Gallant alighting at a Country-Inne, took his horse to a Countryman to walk, who seeing so brave a horse, and so richly trapped, asked the Gallant, whether (and liked his worship) it were one man's labour to walk so trim a horse as that: Yea (answered the Gallant) I warrant thee one man alone may do it: Say you so sir (replied the Peasant) then hold here, you may even walk him yourself.  
A miserlie Politician being advised by a friend of his to be more bountiful in housekeeping, thereby to gain the goodwill of the Country, which greatly repined at such his parsimony: he answered: I will use these Peasants like fatting beasts, only when I have need to use them, then to give them a mouth full of hay, and not else: For cheer ye them near so much in prosperity, they will sure fail you in adversity, and have but where with to win them at your need, and they will then (notwithstanding your former misery) swarm to you as thick as Beeties to a cowshare, so base and pesantly they are.  
A Croydon-Collier had cuckolded a lubberlie Gallant, who coming home within an hour or two after, and hearing thereof, strait remounted upon his horse, and would needs after the Collier, to kill God a mercy on his soul: and overtaking him three or four miles out of town, there drew, and made towards him resolutely to kill him: But the Collier leaping quickly from of his Curtail, stood to his tackle at the whips end, and behaved himself so valiantly therewith, that the Cuckold's pottage was soon cooled, and his heart began to faint. Then there he paused, and panted a while, and asked the collier whether it were true indeed that he had lain with his wife: The Collier frankly confessed that he did. With that the Chickin-hearted cuckold peaceably put up his blade, and said unto him: Gog's nouns (villain) hadst thou not confessed the truth, (before God) I had cut off thy head.  
A Countryman had killed a dog, and a neighbour of his with a great codpiece, meeting him the next day, quarrellously asked him why he did so: affirming that it was his dog: Th'other espying his codpiece, then answered: Had he had such an other codpiece as yours, happily I should have taken him for your dog indeed, and so forborn to have killed him.  
A Countrie-woman dwelling upon Severne-bankes, and being with child, suddenly longed to have the stream of that river turn th' other way, and longed so extremely to see it, that there in that very place she fell in labour, and was brought a bed of a Salmon. Such being her husband's name.  
A country-Viccar preaching to his parishioners, against the excess and vanity of apparel that is now a days used, compared women's Vardingalles' to hell, and men's Codpieces to the devil, and concluded: Now put that Devil in that hell, and (behold) he's where he would be.  
One meeting a Welshman carrying a Hare at his back asked him how he would sell it: he answered: I will not sell it, but (hold here) give me a shilling, and take it.  
A Countrywoman shent her daughter for gadding up & down among Alehouses: and she answered. Indeed (mother) I cannot blame you if you be jealous of me, for that I have often heard it; that I was your daughter afore ever you were married to my father.  
A Countryman standing at a mark, an arrow lighted on his nose, and spitted it through and through: At last the Archer coming to the mark to take up his arrow, the Swain met him with it in his hand, and asked him whether it were his arrow: Yea (he answered) where had ye it? Marry see here (replied the Swain) pointing to his nose: You have made me a proper nose, so you have: Indeed if you serve me so any more, I'll break your arrow.  
An Alehouse Groom came to a Gent. house in the Christmas time, and there in the hall fell a playing on his bagpipe: The Gent. passing by, he asked him how his Worship liked his music: He answered. Marry, not half so well as in an Alehouse.  
A Countrywoman was commending what a goodly child God had sent her neighbour that night, and said: It is even as goodly a child (God bles●e it) as the Queen and the Council.  
One saying to a Countryman: Faith (neighbour) if you marry jug, you may chance to repent it, for that (I assure you) she is a shrewd wench, and hath stomach enough: he answered: Tut (man) Stomach me no stomachs, she shall want for no Bacon.  
A certain justice on the confines of Wales was an earnest puller down of Crosses, & riding one day through a village, he spied at the towns end a fair stone-Crosse: Whereupon not having the power to pass any further, there he stayed, and sent his man back to a lain Farmer's house there by for ropes and cordage to pull that Idol down: The Countryman understanding such the justices devotions, repined in his heart, and yet provided him not only cordage for the purpose, but also went himself to assist the deed: And coming to the place, the justice bid him get up upon the ladder, and fasten the rope to the top of the cross: which he did, & purposely cut the rope almost clean asunder, leaving it only by one twist. Then the justice and his man took the other end of the rope, and began to draw and pull, and pulling overstrongly, the rope burst, and down fell he and his man both backward into a pond, whereat the Farmer laughed his heart out, leaving him there to fish for himself as well as he could.  
A Countryman passing through a street in London, stumbled and laid his tail a ground: A Prentice seeing it fell a laughing, and said: See see (fellow) how fine London is, it brooks no such Swains as you: With that the countryman turned back, and answered: As fine as it is, it hath kissed my tail for this once.  
A Swain saying to his wife, that she had as many lives as a Cat: she answered: And you but one, and to many by that.  
A countryman passing along the street, met with a Car, and the horse spying his bouncing beard, snapped at it in steed of a bottle of hay: Then the Countryman said: The Devil take thee, who made thee a Barber?  
A Countryman had killed a Hare sitting, and because it was Lent he knew not to whom to give it, and himself was no Lollard neither: So being grievously perplexed about the matter, in th'end he espied a Shepherd on the Down, and went & offered it him: but the shepherd would likewise none of it, because it was Lent, and bid him keep it to himself. With that the Swain being at his wits end how to bestow it, repent that ever he killed it, and would needs have gone back again & laid it where he killed it: But at last (to save a labour) he offered the Shepherd six pence to take it.  
A Countryman came up to the Term, and went to a Lawyer, (a friend of his) for his advise in law, offering him a fee: which the Lawyer refused, in respect he was his near neighbour and a goodfellow: Then the Countryman said unto him: well (sir) since you will take no fee of me, I hope when you come down into the country, you will not refuse a Conie, or such a trifle at my hands: I, (answered the Lawyer) a Conie or such a thing I care not if I [take: Say you so sir? (replied the Swain) I promise you, that's more than I and my dog can do.  
Two Swains were a brawling, and the one of them being quick of hand, took th'other a foul cuff on the ear, and field him, who at rising up said: Faith, thou art a skeruie fellow, so thou art, canst thou not brawl, but thou must smite too? I could have brawlled with thee a whole day together before ever I would have smitten thee.  
A Country-Parson preaching unto his Parishioners said, Neither by Peter nor yet by Paul are we to be saved, but by God's blood only: they all answered: Oh swear not. Then he proceeded, and said: Nay, by God's death than you are all to be saved, & no otherwise: They all answered again: Oh swear not. Then he adjoined: Yes, by God's wounds, and his passion only you are to be saved, and if you think otherwise you lie, & are deceived: And therefore tell not me of swearing, for I tell ye again, and again, that by God's death, God's blood, his wounds, and his passion only, and no otherwise, ye are to be saved. And so the sermon ended.   

OF FELONS AND thieves.  
A Brave Thief that used the highways about Toledo, it was his custom always to share with the party whom he robbed the one half of the booty: & chancing one morning to rob a poor fellow, who had but 18. pence in all the world, they wanted a single three pence to make even money: The poor fellow then to be out of his clutches, offered him the said three pence: but he refused it, saying: Nay, hold thou it, and God help me with that I have already.  
Two thieves were apprehended for a robbery, and being tormented to confess the fact, the one did so, and was hanged: th'other endured most horrible pains, and never would confess any thing, notwithstanding the most plain proofs that were produced against him. Now, the law of Spain is, that if a man by extremity of torture cannot be brought to confess his felonious fact, he to be absolved, notwithstanding what evident matter soever come in against him. This Felon being then absolved, and set at liberty, chanced to be certain days after in the company of some his good friends, and they marueilling how in so clear a case as that, he had the good hap to scape the gallows: he answered: Marry thus: my fellow and I (whiles he lived) made this covenant between us, that whosoever of us (as we traueilled on the way) should first chance to discover an Alehouse, he to pay the whole shot, and the other to go scotfree. Now (as ye all know) he discovered first & foolishly, and so hath paid the shot for us both.  
It is the custom of Spain to trail murderers in a great round basket up and down the streets, so fast as two horses can make way, and so by continual revolution to toss them to death: A murderer was condemned so to die, and being to be put into the basket, and seeing it somewhat miry and slubbered on the outside, he excepted thereunto, and swore that unless that ordure were wiped away, he would rather be hanged than enter thereinto.  
A Felon was to suffer death at Granada townes-end, & being carted on the way to execution, a Swain met him, & said. Brother, now that you go to die, for God's sake discharge your conscience, and tell me what is become of my Mule. The Felon answered: Now before God (villain) thou liest: The Friar (his ghostly Father) seeing such his impatience, rebuked him gently, and bid him be of a better mind. But anon after the Swain urging him for his Mule, as before, the Felon all in a rage, answered: I tell thee (villain) if I had thee in any other place but here, (by jesus) I would tear thy ears from thy head. Then the Friar said unto him. Fie, fie, what a mind is this you bear? Believe me, if I hear any more such bugs words come from you, I will even turn back, and leave you to die as please God: Marry, get you gone with a vengeance (answered the Felon) what (a Devil) make ye here? as little care I for your company, as for this cart: and foul befall him that sent me this way.  
A Smith had slain one, and was to be condemned for the fact: Then his Parishioners came in and besought the judge to spare him, affirming that they had no more Smiths but him, nor any one near them of many a mile: They further alleged, that besides that he was a good Farrier, he could also make locks and keys, and all manner of Ironage belonging either to cart or plough: whereunto the judge answered: My masters, I have heard your allegations, but on the other side, a man is slain, and how shall justice then be performed? They replied: Marry, and like your L. we have here a couple of weavers amongst us, and one of them will serve our turns well enough, we pray you therefore, hang the other weaver, & save the smith.  
A felon being car●ed away toward the gallows, a countryman of his met him, and said: Why whether away, (Countryman) what all a la mort? I faith (he answered) even to yonder towns end, to end a pribble-prabble matter.  
A murderer being condemned to die, said: When I am once dead, some good body make dice of my bones.  
Quarto is a small Spanish Brasse-coin, also it signifieth in Spanish, a quarter of any thing: A judge pronouncing sentence upon a Felon, and saying [He to be hanged and made into four Quartos'] The Felon answered: Nay, I pray (sir) turn me into better coin than so.  
An old woman was whipped at a Cart's tail for bawdry & witchcraft: And after all was done, the Hangman demanded of her his fees & charges: namely, he reckoned unto her (amongst other things) what the paper and the picture she wore on her forehead all the whipping while cost him. All too dear a paper, son (said the Witch) but hold here thy reckoning for this once, & see thou keep that paper for me till the next time.  
A Doctor of Physics man was apprehended for Felony, and being asked by the justice whom he would choose to be his Surgeon in the pains he was to abide till he had confessed the fact: he answered: My master, because I know him to be both a good Physician and a good Surgeon too. Whereupon the Doctor standing by, then said unto him: Lo here my Surgery then: Hold thy mouth close, and bleed a God's name.  
A Passenger complained to a Captain, how certain his Soldiers had robbed him of all that ever he had. Whereunto the Captain answered: Tell me (friend) ware you that doublet when they robbed you? He answered: Yea: Then get you gone, (said the Captain) for well I wots, had they been my Soldiers, they would have left you never a rag to your back.  
A murderer being condemned to die, said unto the judges: Faith (sirs) I see you would make a proper piece of work of it, if a matter of weight lay on your hands, that thus for a trifle condemn me to die.  
A Felon being burned in the hand for his first offence, one asked him certain days after how he had sped: he answered: Marry, the whole matter was referred even to mine own handling.  
A Felon who had been pardoned many his former misdemeanours, being brought again to the bar for a new matter, said, that if be might escape but that time, he would never while he lived incur the like danger more: Whereunto a Sarjeant standing by answered: Well mayst thou live to prove an honest man in deed, for (well I wots) thou hast hitherto outlived a great deal of villainy.  
A Ruffian and a quean were to be whipped at a Cart's tail in Civil: and the wench being brought forth of the jail, and meeting her said mate at the cart before her, said unto him: For your sake (Sir knave) come I hither to be whipped, and dishonoured to day: He answered: Gog's nouns (whore) and where am I? I pray thee.  
A Felon being to be turned off the ladder, called for a glass ofwine, and receiving the cup, he blew off the froth, and said: Oh, it is nought for the rains of my back.  
A Felon being to suffer, a maid came to the gallows to beg him for her husband, according as the custom of Spain dispenseth in that case: The people seeing this, said unto the fellow. Now praise God, that he hath thus mercifully preserved thee, and see thou ever make much of this kind woman, that so friendly saves thy life: With that the Felon well viewing her, & seeing a great scar in her face, which did greatly disfigure her, and with all she was old, and of a sour complexion, he then said unto the Hangman: On (my good friend) do thy duty: I'll none of her.  
A Felon being brought to the Session's house for a robbery, and being convicted of the fact, and upon the point to receive judgement, the judge asked him, what he could say for himself, he answered: And like your honour, I thought they were Papists goods.  
A Felon being to be thrown of the ladder, said to the people: Have at yonder Daisy.  
A Felon that had lost one of his ears for his former fact, & was condemned the second time to lose the other, his hair was so overgrown, and hung so wildly about his face, that the Hangman could not readily find his ear, and was thereat half angry: which the Felon seeing, was no less choleric, and said: Gog's nails (villain) am I bound to find thee ears every Sessions?  
Two thieves came by night to rob a merchants shop, and it chanced that a boy lay there that night, who overhearing their attempt, said unto them: Sirs, get you gone, and come again anon, for I am not yet asleep.  
An Officer passing along the street in an evening, saw three or four good fellows carrying a chest, and certain lose plate out of a house: and he asked them whose goods they were: they answered: Of yonder house where you saw us come out, which we carry to another house, because the goodman there is even now dead of the plague, & his household removes forth with: Then the Officer asked them how it chanced that none of the house stood weeping at the street-doore (such being the Spanish manner in that case:) they answered: I warrant ye, you shall see weeping eyes enough there to morrow: And so he did indeed: For walking that way in the morning, he saw the good wife weeping at her door for the loss of her plate, and other rich goods, which they carried away in that chest.  
One did a robbery in one shear, and was taken in an other, and being brought before the justice there, the justice thought good to return him back again to the other shear where he committed the robbery: Whereupon the thief said unto him: I pray (sir) if that be Law, let me ask you one question: How if a man be taken a bed to night with his neighbours wife, ought he to be sent thither again the next night too?  
A Felon at the bar pleading eagerly in his defence, and seeing the judge busy in talk with one that came and delivered him a message, said unto him: I pray (my Lord) tend to your justice, and let that knave alone till another time: Whereunto the judge answered: Fear not (sir knave) I warrant you, I'll see to you well enough: The Felon replied: I had rather you did not see me at all: But seeing you do, I had rather you saw me less, and heard me more.  
thieves entering by night into a poor man's cottage in a Common, who was no more worth than the very bare matteresse he lay upon, and the coverlet thereunto: his doublet & hose serving him for his pillow a nights, they robbed him of all: Then he all in vain entreating for his apparel, at last said unto them: Why (sirs?) what I laid not down by day, will you take away by night?  
A Countryman being set upon by a Thief, was so light of foot, that he scaped away from him: Which the thief perceiving, and being quite out of hope to overtake him, stood still, and fell extremely a laughing to himself: The countryman then turning back, and seeing him so merry, thought haply that he was some old acquaintance of his grown out of remembrance, that in jest had all that while pursued him: and in that conceit came towards him, and still the thief laughed more & more, as seeming his acquaintance: Insomuch as the plain fellow suspecting no danger, came within his danger, and fa●re fit his purse.  
A Scholar being to be hanged for robbing his father in law, at the very instant that he was to be thrown off the ladder, said: Dulce mori pro Patria.  
A Felon at the bar saying to a pitiful judge: And like your Honour, the thing I am here accused of, was not worth above a Crown on my conscience: With that the judge turned him to the jury, & said: Hear ye not (sirs) what the poor fellow saith? he saith it was not worth above a Crown: And I say unto you that a man's life is more worth than 20. Crowns.  
A Felon at the gallows said unto the Hangman: Villain, better yet be hanged, then be a Hangman, like thee: True (answered the Hangman) were it not for hanging.  
A judge condemned a Traitor to be hanged and quartered And the Traitor said: Even so? (Pilate) what? hang and curtains too?   

OF CONEY-CATCHES.  
A Merry Gent. landing at a sea-town in this land, and lying there in an Inn at greater charge than his present indigence could defray, bid his man in a morning go down and mal-content himself before the Host and Hostess, and mumblinglie to say: Lord, what a scaled master do I serve! This it is to serve such Seminary Priests and jesuits: Now (before God) I'll even leave him in the lurch, and shift for myself: here's ado about Penance & Mortification, as though (forsooth) the Lord had not died enough for all. The fellow mumbled out these his instructions so disguisedly, that it struck a constant jealousy in the Inholders heart, that (questionless) his Master was such a kind of person indeed, namely a Seminary or a jesuit Priest. Whereupon he presently sent for the Constable, told him all the premises, & up they went together to attatch the Gent. in his chamber: Who purposely had shut himself close in, and betaken him to his knees, and to his crosses, to make the matter seem more suspicious: which they espying through the keyhole, made then no question of him, but in they rushed, and arrested him for a Seminarie-Priest, defrayed his score there, bore his and his man's charges up to London, and there presented him before my last Lord Bishop: Now mark the jest. My Lord knew the Gent. passing well, entertained him with good respect, & discharged him presently out of their hands: Who strait pointing & broad jesting at such their folly, taught them by such a precedent more wit & thrift against the next time.  
A plain Conie-catcher not knowing where to go dine, went to the Sheriffs of London about dinner time, and espying his opportunity, stepped to him, and said: I pray you (sir) what may a wedge of gold thus long be worth? The Sheriff strait thinking that he had found some such great piece, took him by the hand, had him in to dinner with him, and carved him of the choicest meats upon the board: In the end after dinner was done, the Conie-catcher arose with the rest, and after having reverently thanked the Sheriff for his good cheer, offered to be gone. With that the Sheriff called him back again, and questioned him aside about the foresaid wedge of gold: affirming, that if he would sell it, he would give him more for it then any man: Then the full-belly fellow belching his good cheer upon the sheriffs face, answered: In sooth (sir) I thank ye, I have no such matter: only I thought good to ask you aforehand, what such a wedge might be worth, in case I should hereafter chance to find any such to bring you.  
A Coney-catcher having made merry in an Inn, and wanting wherewith to discharge the shot, stepped over the way to a barbers shop, and would needs be trimmed: The Barber trimmed him, and when he had done, the Conie-catcher took a Lute of his in his hand, and began to fumble thereon, and fumbled himself quite out of doors, bidding the Barber to come after him to his Inn to breakfast, where he would discharge both him & his Hostess al-together: The Barber believed him, and let him have away his Lute with him: and by reason he stayed somewhat long after, the Conie-catcher in the mean time left the said Lute in pawn for his good cheer, and rid clean away.  
The said Conie-catcher making merry with a wench in a Tavern, and wanting money (as afore) to discharge the reckoning, sent for Musicians to play to him as he was at dinner, and after dinner was done, sent away the wench privily under colour to call for a reckoning, he only & the Musicians remaining there: Anon after seeming to marvel why she stayed so long, he said unto the Musicians: Play on (sirs) a while, till I go down and see what the matter is, that they are so long about the reckoning, I'll come again presently. So down he went, and they below suspecting no such matter, by reason they heard the Musicians still playing above: he making as though he would but step aside to make water, slunk quite and clean away, leaving Music only to pay the shot.  
Two Conie-catchers came in an evening to a Tavern, and watching their opportunity, th'one of them slipped off his cloak to his fellow, and tucking on an apron before him, stepped into a lower room where certain Gent. were at supper, and in semblance of a servant of the house, whipped away a rich Salt from off their table, under colour and request that he might have it for certain Knights, who (he said) were then come thither to supper, leaving a pewter one in am of it, and so slipped clean away there with and was never heard of more.  
A Merchant sat in a summers evening at his street-doore and a Conie-catcher came in the semblance of a civil Tailor, & doing obeisance unto him, offered to step into his house: The Merchant ask him what he would, he answered: And please you (sir) your maid willed me to fetch a gown of hers to mend, I pray, can ye tell if she be within? Go in and see (answered the merchant.) So in went the Coney-catcher, and meeting with one of the merchants men, told him that he came for one of his master's gowns to mend, named the gown, and willed him to deliver it him presently: The fellow believing him, the rather because his master sat at the door▪ and saw him come in, and it was also likely that he would not so peremptorily demand it but upon a good ground, delivered him the gown without any more ado: who strait whipped out a doors with it under the merchants nose, giving him only a cogging Congee, & a bare By your leave (Sir) as he passed by.  
A Conie-catcher hooking in the night time in at a Gent. chamber window, fastened his hook by chance upon his bed-cloathes, wherewith the Gent. awaking, and perceiving what the matter was, holp the Conie-catcher softly to unfasten his hook, & withal took hold of it with his hand, permitting himself as it were to be drawn by it: The Coney-catcher thinking he had fastened upon a prize, drew still, and still the Gent. followed his twitches: till at last the Coney-catcher thinking to unfasten the booty, the Gent. caught him by the hand, and with his dagger would have stabbed him, had he not cried Peccavi: So was this Conie-catcher catched in his own train.  
A venereous Doctor, and yet somewhat scrupulous withal, had gotten a bonnie-Lasse into a grove, and there began to untruss his points towards the bargain, still knocking his breast, and saying: Domine compesce concupiscentiam carnis meae, Domine compesce concupiscentiam, etc. But minding more Concupiscentiam carnis suae, then Domine compesce: he still untrust so long, that he trust the wench with child.  
A serving-man failing to win a Farmer's fair daughter by fair means, devised to ravish her, and thus he did it: The maid went every night to milk her Father's Cow in a rough ground full of Bushes and Birtches: and to the end she might the more readilier find out the Cow a nights, had tied a bell about the neck of it: The serving-man knowing her milking-houre, stole to the place afore, and took off the Cow bell from the Cow, and when he heard the Maid was come, he tinckled it still before her from bush to bush, till at last he drew her by the sound thereof into a secure place of the wood, and there won her to his villainy.  
An infinity of Emmots lay upon a Vineyard, and sore spoiled the Vines: A Beggar by chance passing that way, and hearing thereof, undertook only for ten days victuals to destroy them all. Then made he a little leather-bagge, and sowed within it a Scroll, as it might seem a Charm, and buried it in the highest plot of the vineyard, and so let it lie. At the ten days end away he got him, and was never seen more, glad, that he had so well victualled himself at a fools charge: At last the bag being taken out of the earth, and unripped, the scroll there enclosed was to this effect, 
You that are Cooks, learn ye all of me,  
To fall to your victuals, when you have it free.    

OF BEGGARS.  
ONe offered a Beggar a benefit, and he of daintiness refused it: Then th'other asked him, whether he could bestow such an other benefit on him: Oh no (he answered) I am not so able, would I were: Then hold here (replied the other,) refuse not a benefit at thy betters hand, who can and will afford it thee.  
A poor Scholar begged of a Scottish Queen her gracious liberality, saying Pauper sum: The Queen answered, Pauper ubique jacet: The Scholar replied, 
In thalamis (Regina) tuis hac nocte jacerem,  
Si verum hoc esset: Pauper ubique jacet.   
A Constable asked a poor fellow on the way whereof he lived: he answered: If your question were, whereof I die, I could better resolve you, for I die of hunger.  
At Valleodolid in Spain, it is the custom, that whatsoever Sacristane of any Church there, can upon Corpus Christi-day devise any singular ceremony for that solemn feast (not used before time) he to have a beneficial benevolence awarded him by all the Churches of the town. A poor Sacristane desirous to win that days prize, all threadbare and ragged as he was, came over night to a chief Gentleman of the Town, to crave his advise in that behalf: who viewing his nakedness and extreme poverty, said unto him: Show thyself in the Procession too morrow with a new pair of shoes on thy feet.  
A Gent. gave a Beggar a penny: And the Beggar said: What? such a Gentleman as you, give a poor man but a penny? One penny more to your poor brother for God's sake. Thy brother (quoth the Gent.) how so? Marry, in Adam (answered the beggar.) With that the Gent. laughed, and replied): If all thy brothers in Adam would give thee but as much, thou wouldst soon be the richest Prince in the world.  
Certain wags were beholding a fair Gentlewoman at a window, and one of them said to the rest: Sirs, I suppose there is none of us all but would willingly pawn his cloak for a night's lodging with yonder Gentlewoman: By chance a lame Beggar stood by, and overhearing him say so, stepped in and said: I, and thither should my crutches go too.  
A charitable person passing by a poor creature that lay in the street all full of sores & biles, did away the Flies with his cloak from off his body: Whereupon the beggar said: Sir, you wrong me with your charity, for these Flies were almost full with my blood, and stung me the less, whereas now new hungry ones will light in their places, and sting me sore.  
A miser misusing a poor creature in terms, the poor man said: I may be rich, and you may be poor, I may rise, and you may fall, for you are high and I am low.  
A Spanish Soldier returning from the rich wars of Lombardy, being but a beggars son, and borne in a most barren heath, where was not so much as water many a mile off, and where dwelled only some half dozen Shepherds and Colliers besides his Father, the richest of them being scarce worth three farthings: This Gallant thus flauntinglie returned home to Spain, and recompting the rich wars of Lombary in all places where he came, was asked why he would leave such gallant wars, and come home: he answered: The love of my country.   
The end of the fift part of this book.   

Wits, Fits, and Fancies. The sixth Part.  

OF EQVIVOCATES IN SPEECH.  
DEstogada signifies in Spanish unarayed, and Destocada vnstabbed or untouched: A Spanish Gen. came early in a morning to visit his Virgin-mistresse, and her maid told him that she was yet Destogada: viz. unarrayed: Marry, therefore come I (answered the Gent.) for witted I, that she were not merely Destocada, viz. untouched, I would not thus early come to proffer her my service.  
Solar in Spanish is any thing appertaining to the Sun: also it signifies a Floor or a pavement: A testy Gallant finding himself aggrieued with words of disgrace that were proffered him said: Villain, thou hast abused my reputation, I tell thee my Gentry is as manifest as the Solar, (viz. the Sun,) and no less bright it shineth: Whereunto the other answered: Yea, well I wots, you are not only of the Solar (viz. of the Floor) but also above it, for he stood upon the floor: Also it beareth this Ironical sense, that he acknowledged him not only Sunlike, but also above the Sun: and so he flouted him with an Hyperbolical flattery.  
Corredor signifies in Spanish a Broker, also it signifies a Footman: A Broker came to a Fair to sell a silver cup, and one asked him the price thereof, as also whether he would warrant the sale of it. Yes (said he) that I will, for I am a Corredor. (viz. a Broker) & I dwell at such a place. With that the other having the Cup in his hand, ran away with it, saying: If you be a Corredor, as you say (viz. a Footman as he meant it) let me see if you can overtake me.  
One said to an old Forester: Faith, you are a senex-Fornicator so you are: The Forester asked him what that was: he answered: An old Forester: True (said the Forester) indeed such a one have I been these full five and fifty years.  
One threw stones at an yll-fauored old woman's Owl, & the old woman said: Faith (sir knave) you are well occupied, so you are, to throw stones at my poor Owl, that doth you no harm, so she doth not: Yea marry (answered the wag so would you be better occupied too (I wisse) if you were young again and had a better face, so you would.  
Don Alonso de Aguilar lying one night in a village, where he heard a great rumbling and noise in the street and within the house, so as he could take no rest all night long, asked his Host in the morning how that Village was called: he answered Almachar: No (said Don Alonso) it is Alma-hechar: as much to say in Spanish, as, Give up the Ghost.  
At Madredejos in Spain it is the custom, every Corpus Christi-day certain rich Farmer's sons to make a breakfast in the Marketplace to a number of wags, such as they shall think good to elect; and this breakfast place they called Hell: It so fell out that these Farmer's sons and their elects being at breakfast in this place upon a Christi-day morning, a murder was committed at the same instant without the town, and divers were apprehended for the fact: Among others a fishmonger was one, who being brought to his trial, was strait acquitted by the jury, which gave in, that the said fishmonger was in hell at the time of the murder committed.  
A Gentleman taking his leave of a Gentlewoman, said: May it please you to will me any service; She answered: No, I do not yet make my will.  
Calderon in Spanish signifies a Cauldron: A Gentleman, whose name was Calderon dallying at a Well in an Orchard with two Lasses, an other Gentleman came by and requested him to help him to a draft of that Well-water: he answered: Sir with all my heart I would, but I lack wherewithal to draw it up: Th'other replied: Having a Calderon and two buckets, can you draw up none?  
Roque in Spanish is a Chesse-man so called, and Dama is a Gentlewoman, and the Queen at Chess-play: One Senior Roque married a fair Dame and a rich, and a friend of his hearing of it, said: Oh happy Roque that couldst give so fair a Dama the mate.  
Romero signifies in Spanish a Pilgrim: One whose name was so, asked an other whether he knew him: who answered: Yea, very well, by the token you beg for God's sake.  
A Gentleman whose mistress name was Field, saying in a morning to a friend of his: See how I am all bedewed with coming over yonder field: The other answered: Rather is it with lying all night in the field.  
One came to seek out a young Gentleman at a Dicing-house, who having lost all his money was but newly gone a walking, and one of the company said unto him: You do well to seek him out, for he is lost: viz. he had lost.  
One came to visit his enamoured friend, and he found him all alone in a Turret pensive: stepping in unto him, he said: Where is this enamoured Gallant? what, in a Turret? he answered: I, where should a dead man be, but interred?  
One Beast was suspected to have cowardly beaten and bruised a weaponless poor fellow by night, and he stoutly denying it before a justice, a Gentleman that stood by, said: Out of doubt, if a Beast did it not, yet was it done like a Beast, who ere did it.  
Certain Gentlewomen were eating of a Posset, and they all commended how good it was: A Gentleman of the company for contradiction sake, said: No, it is not good: Whereunto one of the Gentlewomen answered: You say what it is not, but you do not say what it is.  
A Gentlewoman that had two Paramours: the one called Spot, the other Fuller: one merrily said of her: Having a Fuller, I marvel she can have ere a Spot.   

EXTRAVAGANT SPEECH.  
ONe being in danger of drowning, an other standing on the shore, said unto him. Get to yonder stooping tree, & you are safe: Tut (he answered) tell not me of getting or gaining, for I care but only to save myself at this time.  
A Spanish Gent. looking out at his window after a course that was carried out of his house to be buried, said: Oh, how hard a matter were it to thrust me out of my house, seeing to carry a dead man hence is four men's travail.  
A Spaniard seeing in a Church in Flanders all the Saints Images defaced and broken, and anon after noting in the streets a many fair houses down, the chimneys only standing, said: It had been meet when these ruins were a doing, that the Priests had conveyed the Saints into these chymneyes, and the Citizens their houses into the Church for Sanctuary. Whereunto an other adjoined: Thus you see where Lutherans prevail, Saints go to wrack.  
One was a telling an other how one Fernando Ruis Cavesa of such a place, dwelled 26. miles from Civil, and 26. from Seres: An other coming in abruptly, & ask him what he said: he answered: It is a whole pair of Cards.  
One being asked what he made in those parts: he answered I have not done any good deeds to be yet in heaven.  
A Moor walking along the streets of Toledo, passed over a bridge where stood a many shops and no housing: Seeing it, he asked a shop-boy, where his Master lay a nights: who answered: At his house in the town, as all the rest beside did: Oh, foolish people (than replied the Moor) no wife by day, nor no goods by night.  
A mighty fat Gent. had near a child by his fair wife: And offering one day to run for a wager with a familiar friend of his▪ and to give him a quoytes-cast odds before him, the other answered: Give me but one cast more, and I'll deliver you her with child.  
A Father coming to see his son dressed of a wound in his face, said: It would not have grieved me half so much if it had been in the arm, or in the leg, or in any other place but there: The son answered: Oh Father, Receivers are no Choosers.  
One ask one whether his brother were yet alive: he answered: No, nothing lively, but a very Lubber.  
A widdow-Gentlewoman fearing lest her lean son might haply converse overmuch a nights with his fair Bride, & thereby incur a consumption, used often times to send him abroad about her business some three or four days together, and so many nights: which the young Gentlewoman his wife took very unkindly at her hands: Insomuch as on a time her husband being from home, and she looking out at a window, and chancing to see a many Sparrows sitting in a bush, she skarred them all away, saying. Faith (Sparrows) you had best be gone, lest my mother in law come and send you going with a witness.  
A Recusant making water against a church-wal, the Churchwarden seeing it, excepted thereunto, as profanely done. Whereunto he answered: It is my Church, not yours.  
A kind wife followed her husband to the gallows, and he requesting her not to trouble herself any further: she answered: Ah yes (dear husband) now that I am come thus far, faith, I'll see you hanged too (God willing.)  
A Cook seeing his far wife sit straddling at the shop door, said unto her: Fie on thee (slut) shut up that shop of thine: The Goodwife answered: The Devil take him that hath the key and doth it not.  
One saying to his neighbour that he had a Pope in his belly, he answered: Better so yet, than a devil in my heart.  
One saying to his neighbour in an evening: God give you good night: Th'other answered: Amen.  
Bishop Gardener seeing one of his men wait at the board with a monstrous great Codpiece pricked full of pings on the top, took a piece of bread, and crumbled it towards him, saying: Cob, cob, come cob, cob.  
A wench saying to one: Thou art an errand knave, so thou art, to use me so behind my back: By chance one coming by, and overhearing it, said: Belike you would have had it in your belly.  
A Pothecary was showing one an unicorns horn, and an other came in abruptly, and asked him what horn it was: he answered: A Cuckold's horn of a hundred years old.  
An Officer examining a poor Passenger where he dwelled, and how he lived: he answered: If you would examine me about other matters, you should find I were full of Lice.   

OF EVASIONS AND EXCVses in speech.  
Done Diego Arias, Treasurer to john King of Spain, being sent for on a time by the King, said unto the Messenger: Doth the King send for me? Now a wedge betid him I pray God: Being afterward called in question for so saying: he answered: I meant your Majesty a wedge for your fortune's wheel.  
Quemada signifies in Spanish to burn, or be on fire: A Gent. whose name was Quemada was a certain fair Lady's Paramour: She whensoever she affirmed any thing in earnest used still to say. Quemada me vea, if it be not true: that is: A fire light on me, if it be not true.  
A Weaver that used to steal more yarn than his lawful allowance, had a privy place in his house where to hide it, which he called Hell: He whensoever any of his Customers charged him with any such theft, used thus to protest & swear: If I have any more than my due, now I pray God in hell I may find it.  
At the change of Religion here in England, one Doctor Morgan was deposed from his cure to give place to the Ministry. It chanced that being invited certain days alter to a dinner whereat were present certain justices and a many other worshipful guests, he thus at dinner time mumbled unto himself: And is it even so, Morgan? Faith▪ have they so hardly dealt with thee? well (I assure them) it shall cost many a man's life for it ere I have done. Such his mumblement being overheard, came afterwards in question to his danger, as seeming to proceed of a treasonable discontent with the present state: And being brought to his answer, he thus justified this speech, saying: I confess I spoke the words, and it is true that the loss of my Benefice is like to cost many a man's life: for having now no other trade to live by, than physic (wherein as yet I am altogether unskilful,) it is likely that my too timely practice will be the death of many a one.  
Castanio signifies in Spanish a Chestnut tree, also it is the name of the best kinds of gennets in Spain. An upstart Gallant walking in the street in company of a many Gentlemen, chanced to meet the Carrier of his Country, and ask him for letters from his friends, & what was the best news in those parts, the Carrier answered: No letters (sir) but bad news: Your father climbing a Castanio th'other day to beat down Chesse-nuts for his hogs, fell down & broke his neck: Which news some of the Gent. overhearing, smiled to themselves, & asked him what bad Castanio-news it was the Carrier told him: he answered: Marry (Gent.) even as I always feared: Know ye that my father was th'only brave horseman in all our country, and was never without half a dozen of most especial choice Castaneos, (viz. jenets of that kind,) and riding th'other day upon one of them to visit a fair Lady, it chanced that the horse fell down a high hill, and hath slain him.  
A madman rushed into a chamber with a drawn sword: and finding one there a bed, would have slain him, saying: Villain, were it not valiantly done to strike off thy knaves head at one blow: Th'other answered: Tut (sir) that's nothing with your worship to do, you can as easily strike off two heads at a blow as one: Wherefore, if you please, I'll go down and call up an other, that you may strike off both our heads at once. The madman believed him, and so let him slip away.  
A Nobleman in this land called a Doctor errand Knave, and the Doctor answered: Good (my L.) I would be loath to be so errand a Knave as your Lordship: And heerat he made a pause, as feigning to spit, and then adjoined: Takes me to be.  
A Nobleman's man on S. George's day, for lack of a goldechaine, wore a Copper one gilt, and fearing lest it might be perceived, buttoned it close up to his neck within his doublet: Coming in the afternoon to visit his mistress, she seeing him wear his chain so in hugger-mugger, asked him why he wore it so: he answered: I give it suck, lest it should cry, and be over-noysome to any.  
One that was none of the wisest was created controller over a City in Spain called Badajos, whereof he was natural: & another hearing of it, said: that the Counsel had greatly erred to create him controller of that place: Being asked why: he answered: Because he cannot be controller in his own country: viz. he could not control himself.  
Two Soldiers being come to the place of single combat, the adversaries ghostly Father asked th'other Soldier if he had not any Rellicke or charm about him, whereby he might hope to prevail against th'other: This Soldiers ghostly Father then standing by, thus enigmatically thereunto answered: This oath I dare take for him myself, who hath no such matter about him.  
A widow-Gentlewoman suspecting that a young Gallant who was a suitor to her fair daughter, had privily deflowered her, and in that respect unless he would take a booke-oath to the contrary, she swore she would give no portion with her: The Gent. knowing himself guilty, took the Testament in his hand, and thus aenigma●icallie swore: I here protest by the holy contents of this book before you, that never in all my life did I know this Gentlewoman your daughter carnally, as you or any other may imagine [but (indeed) I confess, I kissed her, & embraced her, and toyed with her, as I have done with many Gentlewomen more in my days, and yet never any dishonesty came of it.  
One objecting to a reverend man that he kept a quean, he answered: What matter is it if I have a whore, and a whore have not me.  
One being reprehended for living all to sloothfullie: he answered: We are not bound to give account of our slooth, but of our labours.  
One saying to a Gent. Sir, it were very good you told such a one of his faults, that he may amend them: he answered: It is enough that I think him a knave, though I tell him not so to his face.  
One saying to a Gent. Faith, having so much interest in N. as you have, me thinks you might easily bridle his passions: he answered: I am no horse-coorser.  
A Clown having surfeited of Beef, and being therewith extreme sick, vowed never while he lived to eat Beef more, if it pleased God he might escape for that once: Shortly after having his perfect health again, he would needs have eaten beef, and his sister putting him in mind of his vow, he answered: True (sister,) not without mustard (good L.) not without mustard.   

SENSE REVERSED BY Identity of speech.  
A Poor Carpenter, yet a good workman, was employed to the building of a bridge, wherein he became so good a gainer, that it set him up for ever. And in one of the main posts thereof he had engraven these words: [Sanchio Rodriguez made this Bridge.] An other came after, & wrote underneath with a coal, [This bridge made Sanchio Rodriguez.]  
One commended half a fool for a very wise & profound person. Profound indeed (answered an other) for (well I wots) 20. buckets can scarce draw him out of his deeps.  
One called an other fool, who answered: Indeed, so may I seem, because I speak in such sort as you may understand me.  
One chiding his son for lying long a bed a mornings, told him that such a one with rising early in a morning chanced to find a bag of gold: The son answered: Too early rose he (Father) that lost it.  
A Gent. leading a fair Gentlewoman by the hand through a dark ruinous room, said unto her: Lord, what a sweet room were this, were not you in it? She answered: A sweet room were this, were not you in it.  
A Prentice hearing a Tinker crying in the street [Have ye any work for a Tinker] bid him go to Banbery: The Tinker answered: I, there (boy) belike thy father was hanged: he replied: Why would he be a Tinker then?  
One seeing an old Pettyfogger in the street writing down a memorandum in his notebook, said unto him: Why how now (Grandsire?) what scribbling make you there? he answered: I register such knaves as you.   

OF IMPROPER SPEECH.  
One used an improper term to a Falconer, saying, that his Hawk dunged: The Falconer told him, that he should have said, Muted: Anon after this fellow stumbled, & fell into a Cowshare, and the Falconer ask him how he came so bewrayed: he answered: In a Cow-mute.  
A Country-Gent. going to buy hogs some five or six miles from home, came to a Farmer's house, who had some to sell, and chancing on the sudden to see his fair daughter as he entered in at the door, he mistook his terms, and said unto her: If hogs bring you forth, they must needs be fair hogs: He would have said: If you bring forth these hogs to see, they must needs be fair hogs.  
A Count Palatines Lady, and an other Lady in the Spanish Court were at brabble, and taunted one another highly: The Palatine-Ladie returning shortly after home to her Lord, told him a great tale of all th'abuse was offered her, and namely how the other Lady denied her the Title of a Countess Palatine: Whereunto th'earl answered: Dear Lady, (setting God aside), you are even as great a Lady Palatine as the Countess of Benevente.  
One was a boasting how little he feared the plague, & said: All were I to go to the devil, I would never fear the plague.  
A Countryman being at the Term, and hearing much rumour that my Lord of Leicester had won a Sconce in the Low-countries, told his neighbours for news when he came home, that my L. of Leicester had won a Lantern.  
A plain fellow came to borrow his neighbour's Boar, and he asked him what he would do with it, he answered: Marry, to take his pleasure of my Sow.  
A Countryman sent his son with a Basket-full of Chickens to his landlady, and the Swain to be very fine, said: Mistress, my father hath sent you here a nest of Peeps.  
A Scowl was a saying, what a skeruie knave is he to use me so behind my back. A Gent. by chance passing by, & overhearing it, answered: Well might he so do, all were he not skeruy.   

OF EMBLEMS, POESIES, AND Endorcements.  
THe Marquis of Cortese wont to say, that he that wants friends is like a Hony-comb without honey, an ear without corn, a tree without fruit.  
A religious Dame caused her picture to be drawn, holding her little child in one hand, and a Bible in the other, and over the Bible was written, my joy, and over the Child, my Comfort.  
A Gentlewoman was reading the poesy of another Gentlewoman's ring, and it was, God help me. A third Gentlewoman standing by, asked her what it was. She answered: A very paltry one.  
Don Alvaro de Ayala gave the half Moon in his Crest, and a Page of his seeing it engraven upon a wall, wrote underneath it with a coal, Nunca llena: viz. Be it never at full: His Master checking him therefore, and ask him why he wrote so, he answered: Marry (sir) because the Moon being once at full, of force it must decrease.  
A new married Bride had her picture drawn, holding in her hand overthwart her belly, a Bay-branch full of green leaves, whereof one sprig was made mounting upwards toward her heart, and an other down towards her privy part, & it was written upon the overthwart branch thus: Fetched from the field let me never whither: and upon the upper sprig, Hither: and upon the lower, Thither.  
One whose name was Tutchiner, gave this Mot for his poesy, Tuciner.  
One Peter in a Christmas-time, at my L. Keepers had written upon the backside of a whole pair of Cards several Poesies, to be drawn by the Christmasse-company and assembly there, and amongst others this was one, 
England's high Empress great jove defend and bless her,  
And keep in health (good Lord) my good L. Keeper:  
Keep all awake, that none be found a sleeper,  
And keep me too, thy faithful servant Peter.   
One seeing his enemy's Arms drawn upon a wall with a coal, drew the like underneath, and in the first house drew his said enemies chief coat, and all the rest of the escutchion he figured with twenty kinds of pots, cups, and drinking glasses, and wrote underneath thus: These my forefathers left me, and I will increase them.  
A widow-Countesse used to subscribe all her Letters thus; The doleful Countess N. Writing a letter to a plain Bailiff others in the country, she so subscribed it: & he in answer thereto subscribed his letter thus: Your doleful servant R.  
One who had married a Gentlewoman far his better in degree and calling, wrote her a Letter, and subscribed it thus: Your worship's base husband N.  
A Nobleman's Secretary in a letter which he wrote for his Lord to an upstart Gent. interlined therein this word Senior: The gallant was heerat in a pelting chafe, as supporting it done purposely to taunt his ignobility: Which the Nobleman understanding by the bearer, willed his Secretary in his next letter to leave out Signior for good & all, and to leave a great blank over the Letter, and as much margin on either side: The Secretary did so: Then the Nobleman in a several piece of paper, wrote with his own hand this word Senior in fair large letters, and subscribed underneath it thus: I send you this word (Senior) written with mine own hand, as acknowledging you a very Gent. and withal have left you space enough both in the front of my letter, as also in either Margin thereof to dispose it where you best please.  
To a very old Gentlewoman, whose name was mistress Touseners, one endorsed his letter thus: To the worshipful, etc. mistress Thousand-yeers give this.  
A Suitor wrote a whole Love-letter to his mistress word for word out of Amadis de Gaul: who when she had read it, & remembered from whence he had it, she delivered it again to the bearer, saying: Friend, you mistake: This letter is to Mistress Laureola.  
A simple Scholar endorsed his letter to his Father thus: To my very obedient good father, etc.   

OF SIMILES.  
A Merry Gent. seeing among a many fair young Ladies one old withered Beldame, said: Lo, there a deaths head at the end of a Rosary.  
One beholding a house fair carved and wrought toward the top, and rude and rough below, said it was like a woman's smock.  
One that had but here and there a scattered hair on his chin: an other said it was like a countrey-parish wasted with the plague.  
One being asked why he refused to answer one that had highly abused him in outrageous terms: he answered: I am like a deaf man in a Belfry, that hears not the jangling of the Bells,  
A poor Gent. made an old serviture of his, his horse-keeper, and having but one horse in all the world, it was noted that when he road abroad, his man stayed at home, & when his man road forth, than he stayed at home: Whereupon one merrily compared them to Castor and Pollux, two stars in the Firmament, whereof the one appearing in the evening, assoon as ever the other gins to show, strait peeps in his head, and vanisheth out of sight.  
A Gentlewoman in a solemn festivity danced with a young Gallant a most lofty Lavolta: and a Nobleman there present, said, she resembled the crown of a good felt hat, soon down, soon up  
Of a Gentlewoman that had a bad face and a good waste, an other said, that the circumstance was better than the sin.  
An old Merchant had hanging at his girdle a pouch, a spectacle-case, a punniard, a pen and inkhorn, and a handkercher, with many other trinkets beside: which a merry companion seeing, said: it was like a Haberdasher's shop of small wares. A man & his wife were chiding together, & in came a friend of theirs, and besought them to forbear one an other, and agree as became man and wife: Whereunto he answered: Know ye that my wife and I are like a pair of cards still in shuffle with one an other all day long, and at night in a lump together like good friends.  
One seeing a many ●ubs in the street, some up, some down, said, they were like Canons singing Glory be to the Father etc.  
One seeing a Gentlewoman whose face was pure red and white, said it was like a shoulder of Mutton new cut off from the breast.  
A Gent. gave a Gentlewoman a fine twisted bracelet of silk and gold, and seeing it the next day upon another Gentlewoman's wrist, said: it was like a Barber's girdle soon slipped from one side to another.  
A Nobleman coming into a Gent. house, & being show'd all the rooms therein, which he saw were many & small, he said: they were like Lenten dishes.  
One seeing a many serving-men waiting on their Master, their clothes all too big for them, and flagging unhansomlie about them, said, they were like so many rotten eggs.  
One seeing in a Nobleman's hall a many Marble-Nymphs, every one holding before them a broad Escutcheon, said, they were like so many Miller's displaying their sails.  
One hearing a bagpipe sound yll-favouredly, said, it was like the noise of a Cat, whiles her tail is a cutting off.  
One seeing an other thrust out his head as though he stood hearkening to somewhat, said, it was like the head of a Gittern.   

OF MONUMENTS.  
AT Lisborn in the steward's study of the Orphans hospital is painted in great Letters these words upon the wall, Ante que des escrive, ante que firmes receive: that is. Writ before you pay, and receive before you sign.  
A Gent. passing by the Shambles, a Butcher asked him what those Letters might signify which were engraven over their Shambles-doore, viz. K.F.T.S. He answered, K. Know ye. F. For very truth, T. That whosoever gives bad weight, S. Shall be whipped at a carts tail.  
Charles the seventh French King viewing the tomb of john Earl of Bedford in our Lady's Church at Roan, a zealous Gallant of his train thinking to do a high scorn to English valour, and please the King with such his French folly, spurned the Monument with his foot, and mumbled out withal terms of disgrace against the Ghost of that victorious Earl: Which the King seeing, and disliking, said: Oh (Fool) scorn we not him dead, whom alive we dreaded.  
A great Lady in this land walking with a merry Gent. in a Gallery, where were a many fair Antic monuments both in picture and Alabaster: amongst the rest she spied a Marble Statue of a Syluan-God all in his nakedness, and with very bountiful perpendiculars hanging down below his belly before: Viewing it a good space, in the end she asked the Gent. what it was like, he answered: It is one of the six Clerks: One of the six Clerks? (quoth she) how so I pray ye? He replied: Why? see you not (Madam) his huge Pen and inkhorn?   
The end of the sixth part of this book.   

Wits, Fits, and Fancies. The seventh part.  

OF DRUNKARDS,  
A Gent. man was a great Drunkard, and falling off a ladder, broke his nose so as he was feign to wear a plaster thereon so great, as covered his nose all over: which his master seeing, asked him how it came so to pass: One of his fellows then standing by, answered: And like your worship he is feign to ease his nose (as you see) for fear to run it against Taverns.  
A Fleming had drunk five quarts of wine all alone in a Tavern, and there lay snorting under the board: At last he awaked and was sober, and the Drawer asked him money for six quarts: he answered: Why (man) that cannot be, for my belly never holds above 5. quarts at a time: Yes, (answered the Drawer) the wine being passing good, one quart fumed up into your head, and then the other five in your belly make six, so is there six quarts. You have reason (said the Fleming) and so paid him for six quarts.  
On Palm-sunday a great Drunkard carried a Palm-bough in Procession, and one seeing it, said unto him: A house so well known needs near a bush.  
A Physician reprehended one for drinking wine so mightily in time of the plague: who answered: I do it to the end the plague may take me for a tub, and so overpass me.  
A great Drunkard lying sick of a burning Fever, said unto his Physician. I would have you cure my heat, but not my thirst  
A Doctor of physic advised a great Drunkard that had but one eye to beware of wine, lest he lost the other: he answered: Nay: Better destroy a window then the whole house.  
One advised a great Drunkard still to mingle water with his wine, he answered: If that were good, God would have ●one it in the grape.  
A rich Drunkard misused a poor man in terms, and the poor man being big & gross, said unto him: Sir, if you please not to forbear me for my own sake, yet (I beseech you) forbear me, because I am like a Tub.  
A Drunkard that had scarce ere a good tooth in his head, one thus bejested him, saying, that the continual watercourse had quite borne away his quearnes.  
Because King Philip is the noblest Dutch-bloud at this day in all the world, and a Dutchman the greatest Drunkard: Therefore a Spaniard dispraising one for drunkenness, said: Thou are even as errand a Drunkard as King Philip.  
A Drunkard passing over a bridge, his eyes so gla●'d, that he thought they were two bridges: and stepping upon the wrong bridge down he tumbled into the brook: where drinking his belly full of water, he continued, saying: No more now (Hostess) no more now.  
A merry Officer of London passing by an Alehouse, where he saw a couple of good fellows a drinking, stepped in unto them, and asked them who they were: They answered: Clerk of S. Magnes, and Sexton of Boe: He then adjoined: And I Recorder of London: hay (hostess) fill in my pot too.  
In a countrey-parish an Alehouse stood close by the church porch, & the Vicar saying service upon a time, overheard certain good fellows a quaffing and carrolling in the said Alehouse: Whereupon he fell from his function, and said: Sirs, it is no reason that yonder fellows should partake of our prayers, & we not taste of their Ale: And with that he shut up his book and to the Alehouse he went, and all the parish after him.  
One put a frog into a Duch-mans' pot, and he drinking swallowed it clean down: Being asked whether he felt not any thing in his draft, he answered: No, nothing but a little mo●e   

OF NOSES.  
ONe had a Nose like a bunch of grapes, and passing along the street, two women met him and seeing such a nose, stood still a while, and gazed thereupon: He ask them why they stood still and went not about their business, they answered: because your nose stands in our way: With that he wried his nose aside with his finger, and said: On (ye whores) for (lo) now way is made ye.  
One that had a huge nose hearing an other say that in Germany, thieves are punished with diminution of their noses, said: Then will I go into Germany, and commit some half dozen robberies there, and so return home again both rich and with a better nose.  
One was a saying that he greatly marueilled at john a Nokes his great nose: An other answered: Say not so, but thus: that you greatly marvel at john of Noses: for in saying so, you givethe less to the greater, if otherwise, the greater to the less, which is improper.  
One that had a mighty nose, and a very thin beard, an other commented thereupon, saying, that the shadow of his nose hindered the growth of his beard, as doth the shadow of the Dock the growing up of the Nettle.  
In Spain it is a law, all swords & Rapiers to be of one length: A huge nosed Constable took one with a Rapier above that skantling, and took it from him, and caused it to be cut shorter, and then delivered it him again, saying: Know ye now from henceforth, that the law allows all toomuch to be diminished: Th'other answered: Diminish then your nose.  
A mightie-nosed Courtier having retired himself for a time into the country, asked a friend of his that came from the court, what news was said of him there, he answered: Your Nose.  
One seeing a great Drunkard with a huge nose all to bese● with pimples blue and red, said, it was the soul of the wine ascended into the region of his nose, and those pimples the Meteors that redounded thereof.  
Sir Thomas moors Lady was very curious and neat in her attire, and going one day to Church, she bid her Gentlewoman look whether her gown-pleates stood even behind, and whether all were well and tied about her: Sir Thomas himself then standing by, and noting her curiosity, and withal her wry nose said: Faith (wife) there is yet one fault more than your maid sees neither do I well see how it can be helped. She being then very earnest with her Gentlewoman to find it out, and half out of patience that she was so long a looking it, at last asked Sir Thomas what fault it was: he merrily answered: Your nose.   

OF BREATH.  
A Great toasted cheese-eater had baited his trap with cheese, and another seeing it, said unto him: What need you bait your Trap with cheese? do you but sleep with your mouth wide open a nights, and all the Mice in the chamber will enter thereinto.  
One ask a Coney-catches man, how it chanced his breath stunk so sore: he answered: With keeping my master's counsel.   

OF FACE AND SCARS.  
A Gent. not the best favoured, came early in a cold winter's morning to visit a Gentlewoman, and by reason the frost had sore nipped his nose, and somewhat bluly disfigured it, she said unto him: Lord (master N.) how ill-fauor'dly you look this morning: he answered: Faith, neither of us both look very well when we are at the best.  
One that with overmuch fasting & austere life, had wrought himself exceeding pale and lean in the cheeks: Another seeing him, said: Lord, how yonder poor soul hath terrified himself with fasting.  
One dispraised unto his friend a certain Gentlewoman's hard favour, & said; If you saw her by day, you would loathe her by night.  
A Gent. entering into a prison to visit a friend of his, the porter (who had a great scar in his face) demanded his weapon: The Gent. gave it him, and noting his scar, said: Hold here (friend) and see thou make much of it, for (I assure thee) it is not it that did thee that disgrace, pointing to his face.  
A Gent. having a quarrel with a neighbour of his, sent up and down the country for hackstars, & good fellows: Among others, two that had ugly great scars in their faces proffered him their service, which he refused, saying: Bring me them that gave you those scars.  
A maid accused a sterne-faced fellow before a justice, affirming that he had ravished her, and the justice ask him, whether it were tru●, he answered: Your Worship sees my face, other force I offered her none.  
A Gent. saying to a foule-faced fellow: How like you yonder maid? He seeing her yll-fauored, answered: Like me.   

OF BEARD.  
ONe that had a bush-beard, and used evermore to swear thereby an other said unto him: Keeping no Alehouse what need you swear so by your bush?  
A judge condemned a red bearded-fellow to be whipped at a cartes-taile: and it was afterward evident that he was innocent of the fact: The judge being told as much, answered: Yet is he justly whipped for having a red beard.   

OF BLINDNESS.  
A Poor man's eye was strooken out with a stone, & it hung only by a little string: Going presently to a Surgeon to have it put in again, he whiles the Surgeon was busy about his preparatives and trinkets, said unto him: How think you (I pray) shall I lose my eye? No (answered the Surgeon) for (behold) I have it here in my hand.  
A Gentlewoman who was blind of one eye, her rude husband called her evermore both in mirth and anger, blind Bussard: Certain strangers being at dinner with him on a time, a Gentleman of the company was also blind of one eye, and he then calling his wife blind Buzzard, adjoined afterwards to please the Gent. Sir, I mean not you, I mean the blind Bussard my wife.  
One endorsed his letter to a blindman thus: 
To him that but by smelling knows,  
Nor good, nor bad before his nose.  this be delivered.  
A Schoolmaster raising up his Scholars early in a morning, said unto them: I having but one eye, can see to rise at break a day, and you with each of you two eyes, can scarce see day at noon.  
A sand-blind Gallant praising himself to himself, and saying: Faith (N.) thou hast a comely parsonage, a passing fair wife, and the world at will, what wilt thou more? A wag behind a door overhearing him, answered: Out with those eyes.  
A one-eyed judge being partial for the Plaintiff, threatened the defendant that unless he held his peace, he would commit him. The Defendant then casting his eye aside unto the company, said: Sirs, bear witness what an untoward eye he casts upon me: I fear me, he will adjudge me blind anon.  
A blindman married a fair wife: and on the marriage-day be all to embraced and kissed her before all the company: She in modesty requested him to forbear till night: he answered: Nay (Mouse) all is night with me.  
A one-eyed Gent. served a very brown Mistress, who on a time being sullenly disposed, sore beflouted such his eyes defect: and he in reference to her swart complexion, answered: I pray, be not you like the Sable-Crowe, that still pecks at the eye. Take it interrogatively, and it sounds better.  
A Countryman that had but one eye came to the Corne-market to buy wheat, and resting there against a post with a great sack on his shoulder: by chance an acquaintance of his came by, and seeing him, asked what price corn bare: he answered: Me thinks they hold the bushel as dear as a man's eye: whereunto th'other replied: What make you here then with so great a sack, seeing you are able to buy but one bushel?  
A Captain that had but one eye, saying unto the Marquis of Pescara: My Lord, it is now late within night: I pray give me leave to go sleep an hour: The Marquis in reference that he wanted an eye, answered: You have slept one half already.  
A serving-man having but one eye, came into a Fence-school, and played with an other at fence, & it was his chance to have th'other eye strooken out too: He then seeing himself all in dark, laid down the foils, and said unto the company: My masters, God give you all good night.  
One that had but one eye, saying to an other: How say ye? will you play with me for an e●e? th'other answered? I, but how will you see to play and stake too?   

OF TALNES.  
TWo sisters being in place together whereof the younger was tall and a maid, and th'other a wife and great with child, a Gent. in the company said unto th'elder: How chanceth it your younger sister out-groweth you in height? She answered: Because I outgrow her in thickness.  
One seeing a little man and a tall man walk together, said: Lo yonder high Almain and low Almain.  
A very little Gent. riding on the way, out-rid his men a pretty way before: They meeting with a Traveller, asked him whether he met not such a Gent. before: he answered: Not any, only I met some half mile hence a horse that carried a hat upon the saddle-pummell, and a boot hanging down on either side.  
A little Courtierran best at tilt before the Emperor Charles and the wags of the Cou●t said, that the paltry Ape did best.  
A very little man talking with a monstrous Lungs, stepped to a ladder by, and took it, and rested it against his shoulder, & began to climb up thereupon: The Lungs marueilling thereat, asked him what (a God's name) he ailed: he answered: Marry, to of th'end you may hear me.  
One seeing a scab upon a little Dandeprats hand, said: Now see I that I never saw, a scab upon a hand-worme.  
One seeing a dwarf in the street of 44. years old, said: If he be as long a going from a man, as he is growing to a man, out doubt the Ape will never die.   

OF FAT AND GROSS.  
ONe Hoops was apprehended upon suspicion of Felony, & two very big men came to bail him: The justice being thick of hearing, asked a Sarjeant by what they said, who answered: Marry, (sir) these tub are come for Hoops.  
A big justice going in Circuit, a plain countryman came to him and said. I humbly beseech your Highness to do me justice: he answered: Thou hadst said better, My Bigness to do thee justice.  
A Gent. was manning a fat fair Gentlewoman over a field, & being weary he whispered to a friend of his, saying: How might I do to rest myself? he answered: Lie down upon your pack.  
One proffered his friend his big and fat daughter in marriage, and withal a very rich portion. The other gave him hearty thanks therefore, and said: One quarter of her will serve my turn well'ynough: wherefore you may do well to seek her out some other husbands for the rest.  
One asked an aged fat man how it chanced, that being of those years, he continued so fat withal, he answered: Never was I yet a husband nor a servant.  
A fat gross man challenged a lean man to run with him for a wager, (condition) he to have as much weight laid upon him, as might countervail his weight. The lean man answered: It were better your corpulence were equalled with my leanness.  
A Gentlewoman commending a Gent. to his face, and saying, that he was a goodly big man: he answered: All that is great is not good, but all that is good, is great.  
One seeing a big fat Gent. and a lean Gent. standing together, said: Lo yonder, Shrovetide and Lent.   

OF leanness.  
A Gent. taxed a Gentlewoman of overmuch leanness, & she answered: Small and delicate is the needle at the end of a Goad, that pricks the Ox forward.  
Of a very lean Gentlewoman that had no more breasts than a board, one said, that she was like a Hen robbed of all her garbage.  
One seeing a gross man and a lean man standing together, swore, that he never in all his life saw a Lute and a Gittern better consorted.  
Upon the Tomb of a very lean Lady this Epitaph was engraven: 
Here in this grave repose a Lady's bones,  
As full of flesh as when they were living once.  A lean Gentlewoman whose servants name was Ouncebred, one thus bejested her to her face: It seems (quoth he) you eat ●ot above an ounce of bread at a meal.   

OF CROOKEDNESS AND Lameness.  
THe Duke of Medina Celi having a crooked back-Ladie to his wife, asked his jester on a time, what he thought of his stately new hall at Madredejos: The Vice answered: A stately hall indeed (my L.) and a tall, yet can not my Lady, your Lady stand upright therein.  
One that was a little crooked fellow and very crafty withal: an other compared him to the common law.  
One saying to a crook-backed person that it was a great default to be crook-backed: he answered: Rather is it an overplus  
A crook-backed Plaintiff besought a judge to do him right, and the judge answered: Well may I hear you, but right I can not do ye.  
A blind man of one eye met his bunch-backed neighbour early in a morning, and said unto him: Good morrow (neighbour) what? your burden on your back so rare in a morning? The bunch-backe answered: If it be morning (as you say) how chances it you have but one window yet open?  
Some body having stolen away a stump'd-footed fellows shoes: he said: Now, I pray God who ever hath them, well may they fit him.  
One seeing a very misshapen and crooked person in the street said, that he had a Camel to his Nurse.  
A Gent. seeing a monstrous yll-fauored & crooked woman in the street, said to his companion: See yonder: The more a man can find in his heart to hate her, the better may he love the devil.  
A Captain dispatching a lame soldier out of his band, the soldier mal-content said unto him: The wars need no men that can run away, but such as can bide by it.  
One condoling his friend for having married a lame wife: the other answered: Why man, I mean not to lead her forth a hunting.  
One quarreling with a lame man, threatened that he would make him set his foot strait ere he had done: The lame man answered: In so doing I will account you my friend.   

OF childs.  
ONe said to a little child whose father died that morning, and was laid out in a coffin in the Kitchen, Alas my pretty child, thy father is now in heaven: the child answered: Nay, that is he not: for he is yet in the kitchen.  
The Earl of Aymonte used to say, that he is luckily unlucky that hath no children.  
One who had 8. daughters, his wife was brought a bed of a ninth and so soon as it was christened, it died: He seeming to take it very heavily, a friend of his came to comfort him, and said: Having so many fair daughters beside, what need you lament so grievously for the loss of one? He answered: Oh give me leave, for this was truly a good one.  
One used to say that the benefit of children is, that now and then they tattle somewhat which delights the father, whereby they partly mitigate his misery at their mother's hands.  
A Gent. walking without his gate, saw certain wags tottering upon a cart, and all too broke it, and he sore rated them therefore: In the mean time came by a neighbour of his, who ought this cart, and the Gentleman ask him whether he went, he answered: To seek out a Herod to avenge me of these boys.  
A Physician discharged a Caliver at an old Physic book which was left him by his Grandfather, and it was his hap to shoot it clean through: which his little child standing by, and seeing, said: I warrant you (father) my grandfather never coursed it through half so soon.  
The father forgot to give his little child meat at dinner: Whereupon the child prayed him to give him some salt: Salt said the Father) and wherefore salt (my boy?) Marry father (he (answered) for the meat you are to give me.  
One whose name was Blackmere was a very foul blackeman, and he had a very fair child: Whereupon a friend of his meeting him in a morning with his said little one in his arms, said unto him: Why how now? what? a Black a Moor turned to white?  
A Schoolmaster whose name was Salter read Terence to his Scholars in a country-parish: A goodman & his wife were at odds about their pottage at dinner time, he finding fault that they were too salt, and she affirming that they were too fresh: At last the goodman said to his little boy, there at dinner with them: Tell me (jacke) how sayst thou? are these pottage fresh or salt? The boy answered: They may very well read Terence (Father.)  
A Passenger returning back by a blind Alehouse, where he had lain thatday seven-night afore, desired his Host to boil him a joint of powdered Veal, such as he provided him the time before, saying, it was the best meat that ever he eat. You shall sir (answered the Host) and so departed: With that a little child of his standing by, said unto the Passenger: If my Father should lose a horse every week, it would be dear Veal to him.  
A Physicians child was sick of a burning fever, and he forbade his folk in any case to give him water to drink: The child hearing such his fathers encharge, within a while after called for a little holy-water to drink, which they telling master Doctor of, he then said: What (a devil) doth the Ape call for water from heaven? Nay, then let him have it, or any other water beside.  
One that took upon him much gentry, and was no Gent. his little sons were a tumbling in a heap of straw in the street, which a Gent. (a neighbour of his) seeing out at his window, ●aid unto his wife: 'Twere a good deed yonder gallows were whipped, see how they tumble and bedust themselves in the straw: she answered: No, let the● alone, for it fair betokens their Gentry.  
The Countess of Benevente advised a Gentlewoman her neighbour, not to dote too dearly upon her little Babe, lest the loss of it should grieve her all too nearly.   

OF AGE.  
ONe that had a white head & a black beard, an other asked him how it came so to pass: he answered: Marry, the hair of my head is twenty years older than my beard.  
A Nobleman had attained to 86. years of age, and never in all his life had taken physic: at last he sickened very grievously; and at the earnest instants of his friends condescended to take physic: Then came the Pothecary to him three or four days together with preparative syrups and potions; all which he received, and bid his man after the Apothecary was gone, to put it all together into a close stool. At last came master Doctor himself to visit him, & viewing what filthy stuff was in the close stool, he said: Sir, you are a happy man to be rid of these bad humours in your body: see here the benefit of Physic, and your life preserved: The Nobleman answered: Gramercy close stool.  
One asked an old man how long he had lived: he answered: A while, but a great many years.  
One used to say, that a man being once arrived to 50. ought rather bethink himself to receive death well, then to enlarge his life longer.  
One meeting an old man all trembling on his staff, said unto him: The house that is once come to a prop, is near falling.  
One being demanded what was an old man's greatest difficulty, he answered: To afford rewards.  
One used to say, that an old man to cheer himself daintily, is to make his death more bitter.  
One wonted to say, that of all avarice th'old man's is worst, considering that to hoard up treasure in the age of death when a man is not likely to live to spend it, is extreme folly.  
An old Gent. wonted to say, that three things were increased unto him by old age: viz. To see more, to do more, and command more: To see more, by reason he was feign to use spectacles to make his letters seem the greater: To do more, in that alighting off his horse, he was ready to draw the saddle after him: To command more, for that he was feign to speak twenty times, before ere he could get his men to stir.  
An old Gentlewoman going to the house of office, espied a looking glass that lay there upon a shelf: Taking it, and viewing herself therein, and seeing how wrinkled and ylfauored she was, she threw it down again, saying: Fie on thee false and ylfauored glass: even for being such, it is meet thou lie in such an obscure place as this.  
An old man viewing himself in a looking-glass all wrinkled and hoary, his eyes deep sunk into his head, & his cheeks also for want of teeth, said: Lord, to see the difference of looking glasses: I remember when I was a young man, I took pleasure to view myself in a glass, so well mettled were they in those days  
An old Nobleman lay in the same chamber in a several bed from his Lady, and rising one night to put himself unto her, he chanced to stumble his nose against the bedstead: wherewith she awaking, and saying: Who is there? he answered: Somewhat it was (Lady) was coming towards you, but now it is down again.  
A very old Gentleman making love to a gallant young Dame: she said unto him: What mean you (sir) to talk to me of such matter at Complyne time?  
A young Gentlewoman had bestowed herself upon an old Knight whose name was Steven Templer: whereupon one merrily said, that she had buried herself quick in the Tomb of an old Knight of the Temple.  
An old Gentleman's young corrival in love meeting him in a morning said unto him: Old sir, sweet Love beseems not your years: he answered: If you mean it by me, know ye that in my country a man of fifty years is accounted younger than an Ass of 15.   

OF GARRULITY.  
A Talkative Gentlewoman had lost most ofher teeth, and ask a Physician the cause of it, she being both young and healthy, he answered: Your tongue beats too much against your teeth.  
One that had a long scar in his face, and was exceeding talkative, a friend of his said unto him: Having the Reanes in your cheek, me thinks you should have the bridle in your mouth.  
Upon a passing talkative Gentlewoman's tomb this Epitaph was engraven. 
Here l●es interred a most renowned Dame,  
Whose lips no closure ever misbecame:  
But as she lived, and never linn'd to talk,  
So now in death she leaves each tongue to walk  
In daily tittle tattle of such her fault.   
Sir Thomas Moor hearing one tell a monstrous lie, said: I would not for any good hear him say his Creed, lest it should seem a lie.   

OF DREAMS.  
A jester begged a garment of Don Alonso de Aguilar, and said Sir, I dreamed this last night that you gave me that garment upon your back, how like you my dream? he answered: Avaunt (drunken knave) believe no dreams.  
john a Nokes had a chamber in Paul's Churchyard in London, & being one night a sleep, he dreamed that an Angel came to him, and told him that Doomsday was at hand: and therefore willed him in any case to have a great care of his soul, and to do all manner of good deeds in the mean time; affirming, that when he should hear the Trumpet sound, he was then forthwith to repair to the vale of josaphat to judgement. After this, as he dreamed that he was a doing all good deeds, giving his Alms to this poor man and to that, & performing a great deal of Penance, in th'end he dreamed that he heard the trumpet sound: and with that up he started from out his bed, and running over-hastilie to the vale, his nose being foremost, chanced against a post, the which all to disfigured it: Such was his judgement.  
One said to an other: I dreamed this other night that you kissed my Label: Th'other answered: Dreams go by contraries: and therefore (belike) you must kiss mine.   

OF SICKNESS.  
A Delicate Gent. finding himself somewhat distempered, sent his water to a Physician, who seeing it to be very good, and arguing perfect health, came anon after to visit the Gent. and asked him how he did: he answered: Sick: How feel you your stomach? Well: How sleep you? Well: Is it even so? (then said the Doctor) Are you sick with eating well and sleeping well? I'll give you somewhat shall soon remedy all that.  
One ask a Physician whether such a one were not dangerous-sicke: he answered: No, not dangerous, but in danger.  
A whole-man asked a sick-man in his fit, how he did: he answered: In respect of God, even as you do.  
A rich Farmer bestowed his daughter upon an old, poor, and sickly Gent. and coming on a time to visit him sick a bed, he met his daughter at the chamber door, and ask her how her husband did, she answered: Do as he do may for me (father:) You (for your part) to endow me with his blood, have undone my flesh.  
A Gent. being extreme sick, his kinsmen willed him in any case to send for a Physician: he answered: No (I pray,) let me die at leisure.  
A man of worship was so sore diseased of the Gout that he was feign to be carried up & down in a chair, but at last through continual hot baths he recovered, and became a sound man again: & walking one day abroad lusty & in good health, a jester saw him, & cried out aloud: Chains, chains, no more chairs.  
A sick Gent. was forbidden to drink wine, & being extreme hot and thirsty, he besought the Physicians to permit him one draft and no more: They through his much importunity condescended (condition) he to drink a draft of water presently after: So, off he drunk the wine: and then being afterward offered the water: he refused it, saying: Now am I not a thirst.  
A Gent. being sick of the dropsy, called for a draft of water: and his Physician willed him in any case to forbear, affirming that he could not live above two hours at the most: Oh (answered the Gent.) then will I dive those two hours in water.  
A Gentlewoman having surfeited of green fruit, the Physician gave her a vomit: and she in vomiting, cast up also all the good meat she had eaten; which she espying, said: Now is virtue punished with vice.  
A sick old woman ask her Physician how he thought she should die, he answered: Even as a leaf that can no longer bide upon the tree: She replied: What; like an Orange leaf (I pray?)   

OF LITTLENESS. This Chapter is misplaced with some of Tallness from fol. 192.  
A Cannon of Toledo, who was a man of a very low and slender stature, scoffingly asked a poor Friar that had but one eye, what he used to pray for at God's hand, affirming that it were rightnecessarie he prayed unto him for another eye: Indeed sir (answered the Friar) I had need have two eyes to discern so petty a go by ground as you.  
A little pretty soldier dismounted his foeman, and said: Now yield or die: Th'other looked round about him, and answered: I see not to whom.  
A jew said unto a petty Spaniard his familiar: In sooth you seem a little S. james. The Spaniard answered: Wert thou a Moor as thou art a jew (by his wounds) I would cut of thy head for so saying.  
One being asked why he married so little a wife, he answered: Of evils, the least is best.  
A little parsonage being to have a case of debt adjudged against him, said unto the plaintiff at the bar: If you have any such band of mine, let's hear how it goes: Then the band was read openly in Court, and being to this effect, that he bond himself both body & goods for the repay thereof: he than said unto the Judge: Your Honour sees that body I have little or none & as for my goods, let him take all he finds (a God's name.)  
A Gent. seeing an unlawful tall Gentlewoman pass along the street, asked her hindmost man her name: Who answered: mistress Hoap: The Gent. replied: overlarge to be so called.  
Of one that was a very tall and a big man an other said, he was good to make a Porter, because if he should chance to find the door shut below, he might discharge his pack in at the garret window.  
One seeing a tall Lungs and a little man together, said, that it was like Paul's steeple over S. faiths Church.  
A tall personable man offered to accompany a dwarf in the street, saying, that the people would the less gaze and wonder at his miserable littleness: The Dwarf answered: Rather will they wonder at my folly, to see me lead an Ass along by me, and not ride.   

OF DEATH.  
ONe said to an other who had a very narrow mouth: Questionless, when you die, your soul will fly out at your breech. A Gent. being ferried over a river by a couple of boys, the boat leaked, and was in danger of drowning: The Gent. then seeing the danger said unto them: Good boys, as ye are men row boys.  
It is an ancient custom in Spain in favour of life, that any lewd woman whatsoever, being known for such, and being neither widow nor maid, may save any Bachelor from the Gallows, offering to marry him. It chanced that a young Gent▪ who had been prisoner upon suspicion of felony, was acquitted by the jury: And passing that evening under a Gentlewoman's window, who was a lose maid of life: she said unto him: Lord (master N.) it is a joy to see you at liberty: how (a God's name) have you escaped the gallows to day? He looking up unto her, answered: I needed not fear hanging, so long as you are alive.  
A Gent. lying very sick a bed, heard a passing bell ring out, and said unto his Physician: Tell me (master Doctor) is yonder music for my dancing?  
An old Gent. in his deathbed, overheard his wife praying at his beds feet, thus: Lord, I beseech thee, revoke this doom of death from my dear husband, & let it light upon me: Whereunto he answered: Gramercy (good wife) I for my part am content, if God be agreed.  
A Gent. lying sick at a Manor-house of his called Pond, would needs be removed thence to another house which he had a four or five miles off, and being asked why he so desired change: he answered: Because I list not die like a fish in a Pond.  
A Spanish Earl was a great swearer, and hunting one day in a Forest, and having lost his company, ranging up and down in the dark, chanced to fall horse and man into a very deep Mine-pit, where he remained all that night, not forgetting in the mean time to bethink himself of a many good thoughts, and namely, among the rest he was right penitent of his sin in swearing, vowing, that if it pleased God to deliver him out of that pickle, he would never while he lived swear more. By chance his Spaniel being with him when he fell, was so kind as he would not departed from the place, but there remained bawling and howling all the while, till at last certain passengers traveilling that way the next morning, and overhearing the Dogs piteous clamour, made to the place, and there looking down into the pit, espied the Earl: and then with such tackles as they had about them drew him up, and set him on firm ground. Then he looking down into the hole to see how deeply he had fallen, and seeing it very deep, rapt out a legion of huge oaths, saying: Gogs nouns and his passion, is this a fit place for a Nobleman to fall into.  
A Gent. lying a dying, an old woman came to visit him, and ask him before a great many there present, whether he knew her or no: he answered: Yes full well: an errand Bawd thou art (so God shall help me.) Then she telling him that that was no meet time to slander his poor neighbour: he replied: Yes, it is best telling a truth in the hour of death.  
A Doctor being drawn along on a hurdle to execution, casting up his eyes, and espying a multitude of people about him, said: Deus bone, quot Corui circae unum Cadaver!  
A rich Churl and a beggar were buried at one time in the same Churchyard, and the bells rung out amain for the miser: Now, the Wisacre his son and Executor, to the end the world might not think that all that ringing was for the beggar, but for his father, hired a Trumpeter to stand all the ringing-while in the Belfry, and between every peal to sound his Trumpet, and proclaim aloud, and say: Sirs, this next peal is not for R. but for master N. his father.  
One telling a virtuous Gentlewoman that her picture was broken; she answered: Then is it but the shadow of a shadow gone.   
FINIS.   

A Table of all the Chapters of this Book.  

The 1. Part.  
OF Kings and princes. 
pag. 7  Of Noblemen & Ambassadors. 
pag. 12  Of Gentlemen. 
pag. 23  Of Gallants and upstarts. 
pag. 29  Of Colonels and Captains. 
pag. 3●  Of Soldiers. 
pag. 35  Of Challenges & Combats. 
pag. 38  Of travelers by land and sea. 
pag. 40  Of Politicians. 
pag. 45  Of Suit and Suitors. 
pag. 46  Of Game and Gamesters. 
pag. 47    

The 2. Part.  
Of Popes and Prelates. 
pag. 50  Of Priests and Friars. 
pag. 58  Of Doctors and Scholars. 
pag. 64  Of Poets and Musicians. 
pag. 66  Of Physic & Physicians. 
pag. 71  Of justices, Lawyers, & Scriveners. 
pag. 74    

The 3. Part.  
Of Love and Lovers. 
pag. 79  Of Husbands & wiving. 
pag. 83  Of Women. 
pag. 87  Of Cuckolds. 
pag. 94  Of Bastards. 
pag. 96  Of Table-matter. 
pag. 97  Of Visitation. 
pag. 102    

The 4. Part.  
Of Nations and Cities. 
pag. 105  Of Religions. 
pag. 107  Of Attires. 
pag. 111  Of Officers. 
pag. 113  Of Guest and Entertainment. 
pag. 117  Of Merchants and Misers. 
pag. 120  Of Artisans and Prentices. 
pag. 126    

The 5. part.  
Of jesters. 
pag. 130  Of serving-men and pages. 
pag. 133  Of Biscayne's and Fools. 
pag. 139  Of Countrymen & Clowns. 
pag. 146  Of Felons and thieves. 
pag. 156  Of Conie-catchers. 
pag. 163  Of Beggars. 
pag. 167    

The 6 part.  
Of Equivocates in speech. 
pag. 169  Of Extravagant speech. 
pag. 172  Of Evasions & excuses in speech. 
pag. 174  Sense reversed by identity of speech. 
pag. 177  Of Improper speech. 
pag. 178  Of Emblems, Poesies, & Endorc. 
pag. 179  Of Similes. 
pag. 182  Of Monuments. 
pag. 183    

The 7. part.  
Of Drunkards. 
pag. 185  Of Noses. 
pag. 187  Of Breath. 
pag. 188  Of Face and Scars. 
pag. 188  Of Beard. 
pag. 189  Of Blindness. 
pag. 190  Of Tallness. Mingled together 
pag. 191  Of Littleness. Mingled together 
pag. 202  Of Fat and gross. 
pag. 192  Of Leanness. 
pag. 193  Of Crookedness and Lameness. 
pag. 194  Of Children. 
pag. 195  Of Age. 
pag. 197  Of garrulity. 
pag. 199  Of Dreams. 
pag. 199  Of Sickness. 
pag. 200  Of Death. 
pag. 203    
FINIS.   

Faults escaped in Printing.  
Have I this pag. 88 lin. 14. read H●ue I had this  
Years of standing pag 81. l. 28 read Years standing.  
Besides that that she p. 81 l. 30. read Besides that she.  
And but even. p. 96 l. 18. read But even.  
That we are not. p. 96. l 28▪ read, And that we are not.  
Villiatos. p. 66. l. 12 read, Villialobos.  
Debt & embarked p 151. l. 1. read, Debt, fled the country &  
On a time to a time to a nobleman's. p 100 l. 1●. read,  
On a time to a nobleman's.  
Correspondend p. 122. l. 1 read. Correspond.   

LOVES OWL. In dialogue-wise between Love, and an old man.  
The old man.  

TEll me naked wretch of sin,  
My gates are shut, how cam'st thou in,  
Thou hast committed Burglary,  
To venture all so hardily into my gardin.   

I thought my age and good advise,  
Had rid this garden long ere this  
Of all thy baggage fooleries,  
Thy weeds and briery fallaces, and sour seeds of sin.   

Go to (sirrah) get you gone,  
Let an aged man alone,  
All retired as you see  
To record repentingly his youths amisses.   

Neither is this sapless tree,  
Fit for wonted jollity:  
Her fruits and flowers are long ago,  
Withered in her root below all to anguishs.   

All her green, and sweets are done,  
Her shadows dead for want of son:  
All is briar, and nettle now,  
That whilom was a gallant bough, and fair flourished.   

You come not now as erst you did  
Into a garden beautifid:  
With beds and Allies, herbs and flowers,  
Fair Crystal streams, and banquet-boures, like heaven over head.   

The Nightingale hath not been here,  
Herd to sing this many a year;  
Frost and snow, and winter's night,  
Have defaced her beauty quite, and stain her glory.   

This house, whose battlements on high,  
Whilom fair, braved the lofty sky,  
Towering in pride, and luxury  
The top of vain felicity: such was my folly.   

See now a cottage it is becoom  
Of withered sedge, fern, brake and broom,  
Ay, a rotten reed I am,  
A cripple, ivyce-lesse aged man, deceased to pleasure.   

Then get thee gone thou wanton boy,  
Seek out some other place of joy:  
This garden is a solitude,  
With ghostly sollaces endued; I have no leisure   

To entertain nor thee, nor thine,  
Fools and furies of ruin  
Oh, how happy are they all  
That never tasted of the gall of thy lewd delights.   

Wretched boy, I tell thee true,  
Thou art a traitor to thy crew;  
Protesting gracious compliments,  
Yet ministering but discontents, and all ill despites.   

These are thy trim benignities,  
Incontinent desire of ease,  
Envy, disdain, and jealousy,  
Doubt, tears, and captivity, and all is foolery.   

Self-love, vainglory, passion,  
Unrest and desperation,  
Intemperance, and enmity,  
Vain hope, and melancholy, and impiety;   

Grief, brabble, waste and cruelty,  
Effeminate solemnity,  
Treason, distrust, disloyalty,  
And after all comes beggary, and late repentance▪   

These are thy baleful outrages,  
And benefits of little ease;  
Ramping rages against reason,  
Never yet out of season among thy Orphans.   

love. These angry terms do represent  
You never skilled my blandishment;  
My peace, my sweets, my lullabies,  
Wherewith all souls I civillize, that bid me welcome.   

Old. Yes, well ●●ken thy stonishments,  
And dangers by experience:  
This same sin-writhled trunk of mine,  
Is a fragment of thy ruin, and base martyrdom.   

This nightshade garden well areeds  
That all thy solaces are seeds,  
And weeds of woe: thy sweets but snares  
T'intangle souls in hell unwares, ridiculously.   

A gracious garden once it was,  
All over-floured with solace  
Till that thy brutish barbarism,  
Through fallacies made entry in, such was my frailty.   

And now it is, Oh now it is  
A briery and weedy wilderness:  
The map of infelicity,  
A rag of all indignity: a badge of heavy cheer▪   

love. Good aged Father, for I see  
Your terms are terms of injury,  
And flint with flint affords but fire,  
I list not answer you in ire. but will forbear.   

And all according to my name,  
My language shall be free from blame:  
How ever you in ignorance,  
And choleric misgovernance distain your reverence.   

Old. Adulterate sincerity,  
Thy fair face is fallacy:  
Thy speech is all hypocrisy,  
And all thy drift is felony, and deadly vengeance.   

As mildest Oils are most of force,  
To penetrate the stubbornest corpse,  
So happily thou hop'st with sweets,  
To draw me down into the deeps of all thy dangers.   

Snakes and serpents oft have I seen,  
Faire-rowlling on the grassy green,  
Their peckles pleasant to the eye,  
Yet have they needles inwardly, to sting bystanders.   

Not that I fear thy poisonous sting,  
Or any danger thou canst bring:  
For well I wots these hoary hears,  
Are Mithredate against the fears of thy infection▪   

love. Now that I proffer to reply,  
Why stop ye your ears so jealously?  
Old man. The bird that sees & knows the snare  
Blame it not, if it beware, of apprehension.   

love. Be not so mis-preiudicate.  
Old man. Better now than all too late.  
For though in show thou seem a friend  
Yet mischief is the latter end of thy dissignment.   

love. Yet hear a while what I will say  
Good for evil I will appay:  
Thy disdain, and contumely,  
I will recompense with glory, and most sweet content.   

And though that you oppose your will  
To contradict my kindness still;  
Yet shall my gentle patience  
Exemplify my good pretence, to make you blessed.   

Old. Oh what a medley have we here?  
Poison mixed with dainty cheer;  
Thy words and looks are good enough  
But care and hell is in the proof thereof possessed.   

Then fie upon thy pipe and thee,  
I list not hear thy melody,  
I am too old a Mariner,  
For Syrenes' songs to endanger, then prate no more.   

love. These fierce offences specify,  
Your Nature's harsh obliquity;  
Wherefore I'll leave you to the same,  
And in compassion of your blame, all to deplore.   

The judge to doom a wretch to die  
Answerless, is injury:  
Yet you condemn mine innocence,  
Without admitting my defence, ungentle Father.   

Old. Nay, say not so, I am content  
To listen to thy argument,  
Condition that thou stand aloof,  
And interrupt not my disproof, but hear my answer.   

For I am willing in this case,  
To do thy trumpery due disgrace,  
As well by power of argument,  
As by the spirit of discontent and iustrude-language.   

Then ware th'infringe not my decree,  
But prate thy prates aloof from me,  
For fear thy filth infect the air,  
And so possess me unaware with one or other rage.   

love. Alas you much mistake my might,  
My power it is no power of spite,  
Mild, and merry civility,  
And arm in arm in unity is my Philosophy.   

Which (for I see your good intent  
Is now disposed to argument)  
I hope so well to justify,  
As you will think it honesty, and thank me highly.   

Nor will I challenge for my pains,  
Any mercenary gains:  
But only as you credit me,  
So live you ever merrily, and I am pleased.   

Now in the front of your aggriefe,  
You term me a felon and a thief:  
I say, he is no thief that takes  
That which another freely forsakes, to be so eased.   

Besides, to take a thing away,  
The owner gazing on the pray,  
Nor contradicting, but agrees,  
And claps his hands, and glad he is, what thievery is this?   

Then herein have you wronged me,  
To blot me with such infamy.  
Old. Nay, nay, that term is all too true,  
How ere I list not prove it now for very drowsiness.   

I feel a mist comed over mine eyes,  
Fowl befall thy sorceries;  
But well I wots to be avenged,  
I'll sleep thy prattle to an end: then prate thy heart out.   

love. I: so my swavetie assigns  
Rest to rage and angry minds:  
Then sleep your sleep in peace & bless,  
I hope you will hear me nearthelesse, I do not doubt.   

For why? my speeches are a voice  
Strong in power, and not in noise,  
Full possessing the hearers ear,  
Deaf or dead although he were, so sweet it pierceth.   

And since you cannot ease your mind,  
With terms enough of raging kind:  
In sooth you can not better do,  
Then take a nap an hour or two, for rest remildeth.   

Mean while I'll sing sweet Lullabies,  
And warlble forth my swavities,  
To show you as by argument,  
How precious is my blandishment, and merry bounties.   

LOVES SONNET.  

NOw that I take my Lute in hand,  
Rage and rancour I you command,  
Take your sister Melancholy,  
And down to dark hell all hie ye.  
For here I mean to make my residence,  
By virtue of my peaceful influence,  
And cheer this aged man with lovelements for ever. Lullalullabie, etc.   

Though age be old and cold, I can  
Re-young him to a lusty man,  
And in his joints infufe a fire,  
To execute a kind desire.  
I can revegetate his dying year,  
By fair be-priesting him to a bonny-pheere:  
Or else dispensing him such like good cheer else where. Lullalullaby, etc.   

As doth the verdant vine amount,  
Climbing up her countermount,  
Or as the hop or Yuy-vaine  
Reach the top of their sustain:  
So the religious of my unity,  
Enjoying one another's specialty,  
Attain the period of felicity. and content. Lulla lullaby.   

Dull melancholy is a rust,  
Rankling all good mettles lust,  
It is a dump of dreriments,  
Fatuity is her whole pretence,  
But I am an oil that fair bebrightens all,  
Of all reioycements I am liberal,  
And of all wit, I am pedagogical. and so hent. Lulla lullaby, etc.   

Nay more: I'll tell you wondrous news  
Fire int'yee I can infuse;  
I can resuscitate the dead,  
And give them lust and livelihead:  
The dotard I can make most passing wise,  
The miser in expense to riotize  
The coward hardy against his enemies, all for love. Lulla lullaby, etc.   

The plough-lob I can civillize,  
The frantic man with grace aguize;  
Kings and Caesar's I subdue,  
And with my rites their souls in due.  
All fair and goodly things I do detect  
And with my vail I cover all defect,  
And all in unity I do connect and approve. Lulla lullaby.   

Look up to heaven, and I am there,  
I reign in the celestial Sphere:  
The Signs and Planets have from me  
Their influence and harmony:  
Nor heaven, nor earth have uniformity  
Nor any faculty her sympathy,  
Whereby to do her due activity. without me. Lulla lullaby, etc.   

I do devise all gay attires,  
cales, rebatoes, perwigs and wires:  
Hoop-sleeves, French-bodies, vardingalles,  
Paintings, perfumes and washing-balles;  
With twenty thousand such like bonny things,  
To grace fair Nature, and mis-natures doings,  
And profit trades by doing my devisings, workmanly. Lulla lullaby, etc.   

Feasts and frollickes I do ordain,  
And merry meetings on the plain;  
Revels, and dances in a row,  
And morrow-musicke at the window:  
Tilting, & justs are my magnificence,  
The pomp whereof forbeareth no expense,  
If so my spirit be in the pretence, and grace it. Lulla lullaby, etc.   

Masks, and music is in the Court,  
And Maypole mirth is country sport,  
Maie-morning comes but once a year,  
Yet are my doings every where,  
The court, and country both have privities,  
In which I still maintain activities,  
By coupling two, and two in sollaces all secret. Lulla lullaby etc.   

Maids, and widows are of my train,  
Hard it were they should refrain;  
The very Clergy, and their wives,  
Love me as they love their lives;  
Men and women all are Salamanders,  
Glutting my fires every where in corners,  
Because they know such fires bided no dangers, nor consume. Lulla lullaby. etc.   

Wrinkles, and pimples I can cure,  
And make the stutting tongue demure;  
The trembling palsy I can stay,  
And take the miser's gout away:  
The cripple creature I can make to run,  
The blind man with new eyes to see the sun,  
And set in other teeth where th'old are done with the rue me. Lulla lullaby.   

The aged Beldames withered face,  
I can give it a glittering grace;  
Her breath unsavoury to the nose,  
I can besweeten like the Rose:  
I can exchange her pale grey hairs to gold,  
Her rewme-cough into music manifold,  
Her bethred body all to lust embold, so can I. Lulla lullaby. etc.   

The weakest impotent alive,  
My quickening spirit can revive,  
Nor drugs, nor drams, I minister,  
Nor pills, nor powltis, nor plaster,  
But only a copletive desire t'enjoy  
The full felicity of a privy toy,  
That truly counter-gives sweet joy for joy, al-a-by. Lulla lullaby, etc.   

Then since I am so physical,  
So musical, so martial,  
So Court-accepted, and rural,  
And so ioy-mighty over all:  
Be not t'your self so prejudicial,  
As to refuse my beneficial  
Bounties, in over-melancholie gall. Lulla lullaby, lulla lullaby.    

Old. All me no all's, for all is nought,  
Thy joys, and counter-ioyes are fraught  
With heaps of hells; thy Lullabies  
Are all accursed miseries, and foul befall men.   

My ears are much too blame to hear  
Such foul love lust-polluted gear;  
I wisse mine eyes were better bend  
To s●eep out all thy babblement and full-a-lying.   

But as thou dealest in this case,  
My settled senses to amaze,  
So all thy boasted benefits  
Do but bereave men of their wits, to ensuing ills.   

Then so an errand thief thou art,  
To steal away men's wits by art,  
Aswell as they are murderers,  
That drown but willing mariners with their musics wiles.   

Thou also art a murderer,  
In giving men false wings to hover,  
About untrue felicity,  
Whereby they fall into the sea of a thousand deaths.   

Thou art that spirit that S. paul,  
Did feel to wrestle with his soul,  
And prayed our Lord to set him free  
From such a peevish enemy of his wel-wishes.   

The Poets of Gentility,  
Have penned down many a history,  
How that their gods were turned to beasts,  
In executing thy behests, and dishonesty.   

Thou art the excrement of lust,  
Thy first and last is all unjust,  
From lust enraged to ill assuaged,  
So is, so endeth thy disparrage, and ignominy.   

What lover yet did ever prove,  
Other complement in love  
Then lust? which every beast can do,  
Doing but that, that longs thereto, even as well as man.   

So then is it right evident,  
Thou art but a disparagement,  
And all thy grace indignity,  
That so mankind dost beastifie with lusts pollution.   

Oh what a heavy case is it,  
Man for lust to lose his wit,  
And leave his true Nobility,  
For brute-beastlie carnality, through thy base instinct.   

King Solomon was passing wise.  
Till love and lust did him surprise:  
And Samson that most valiant Jew.  
Was never weakened but by you, nor in chains inlinckt.   

As for thy boasted unity,  
Troy can witness that's a lie,  
Her ten years' wars and latter fall  
Tells, that thou wert cause of all that topsie turuy.   

What Nature's consanguinity,  
Dear friendship, or affinity,  
Good law or custom doth unite,  
Thou turn'st to discord and despite through thy scurrility.   

Thou breed'st debate in heretages,  
Bastardising families ⁏  
Thou run'st to witches and the devil,  
All to compass thy foul evil, lust and luxury.   

Thou usest poisons for to kill,  
And to intoxicate the will,  
Witness the Emperor Caligula,  
So used by Cesonia. t'entice his amity.   

Rapes and incests are from thee,  
Thou sparest not Vestality,  
Nor any place of privilege,  
So shameless is thy sacrilege, and vile presumption.   

There is no just commandment,  
Nor good obey in loves intent;  
For Love and lust prevaricates  
Awe, and reason in all estates with lewd confusion.   

And if thou make the miser free,  
It is to buy more misery;  
And if thou make the dotard wise,  
'tis dotage turned to Ideotize, as dung to dirt.   

And if thou make the coward stout,  
It is to compass filth about,  
His stoutness is but shamelessness  
To do and boast his beastliness. a stout piece of work.   

If thou remilde the frantic man,  
Thou makest him but a tame fool than,  
If kings and Caesar's thou subdue,  
What mischiefs do not then ensue to their common weals?   

Did not King Roderick of Spain  
Count julian's bed with lust distain?  
From whence ensued 800. years  
Of Spanish wars altogether against infidels.   

King David's case is scriptural,  
What punishments did him befall,  
And to his people from above,  
For his unlawful lusty love with fair Bersabe,   

As for thy vaunted Taylery,  
Thy stillings, and perfumerie,  
Thy physic and thy cookery,  
All's but abuse of honesty, and trains to foolery.   

Upon a bad foundation,  
All building's desolation,  
No glorious guilt or gallant show,  
Can warrant it from overthrow, the groundwork failing▪   

So nor thy brags can better thee,  
Grounded on Lust's base infamy,  
The mean-worke being passion,  
The top a loathed fruition after once obtaining.   

Then in like sort is vanity,  
Thy Courtship and thy country glee,  
But specially thy privities,  
And all thy twinfold coplatives in.   

And where thou prat'st of miracles,  
As fire infused int' yce-siccles:  
The dead reviv'd, the blind to see,  
And such like cripple trumpery, I tell thee brother.   

Such vile effects are monstrous,  
Not any whit miraculous;  
For miracles are holy-doomes,  
And monsters are all but hel-doomes and imperfections.   

The Devil I trow is scandalized,  
To see a sevent-yeere man surprised  
With Lust's undue lubricity,  
In those years of philosophy, and tame fashions.   

But say that Cesar, and the sage  
And cripple age sometimes engage  
Itself to lust, that argueth  
Their frailty, and not thy nobleness, the fact being foul.   

Much less is heaven beautified  
With any grace from thee derived,  
It being no fleshly creature,  
But of a far better feature, and a better soul.   

Extreme is thy presumption,  
To vaunt so high a function,  
Heaven to be ordered by thee,  
That art earths only infamy, and high dishonour.   

But as thou art a naked wretch,  
So is't thy nature to outstretch  
Thy limbs to lust, thy lips to lies,  
Heaven and earth to scandalise, with th'one and th'other.   

Oh that mankind would but refrain  
His idle and delicious vain  
Of living, than were thy puissance  
Quite quailed, or of petty mussance to our mortality.   

For but in s●oth and daintiness,  
Reigns thy lustful wretchedness;  
Whoever liveth otherwise,  
Doth vanquish thee, and Caesarize o'er all thy villainy.   

Long and healthy liveth he,  
Rich, happy, and merrily,  
Nor botch, nor pox, nor lewd unrest  
Doth betide his noble breast in pains and temperance.   

He riots not in gluttony,  
Nor carroling ebriety;  
He skill no brabble, nor blasphemes,  
Nor lives by any ungodly means, but with due maintenance.   

His speech, his gesture, and attire,  
Represent a stayed desire;  
No newfangle, form or fashion,  
Or fantastical passion taints his discretion.   

His conversation is upright,  
Shining through all despite:  
Reason high dominioning  
All his actions, as a king with reputation.   

Reason is an Antelope,  
That lustful fellows follow not,  
With peace and order at her heel,  
She guides men to the common-weele of glory and fame.   

She is my lantern and my light,  
My Landlady and my tergat bright,  
By her I see, to her I fee,  
By her I am defenced from thee, and from all thy shame.   

She points me to a happy Love  
Fair and chaste in heaven above,  
Whose name is holy Charity,  
Grandmother of all honesty and of all virtue.   

In which fair love I see a light  
Far passing all this world's delight,  
'tis virtues retribution  
When death hath done his function, which none can eschew.   

Upon which light and sweet delight  
Whiles I but newly set my sight,  
Resolving to attain thereto  
By all the good that I can do, what wind blew thee hither?   

To interrupt so dear a thought  
With thy Love lust-polluted taulk,  
As though I were some errand fool  
Doctrinable in thy School and bawdy grammar,   

Go get thee gone unhallowed Elf,  
And leave me alone unto myself  
T'attend my speculation  
Of th'aforesaid contentation my soul aspires to.   

love. Now have I heard with patience  
All your choleric offence,  
And sooth to say there is amiss  
Somewhat in my blessedness, but I'll show you how.   

There is a kind of people, that  
Being one half cold, th'other hot,  
Know not how to choose the mean,  
But love in a vicious extreme, and so dishonour me.   

Heerhence it is that some men call  
Me frantic, and fantastical,  
Cruel, disloyal, quarrelous,  
Unconstant, blind, and impious, such being their frailty.   

Will we condemn the parent-bird  
If that her young one unaffeard  
Trans-flie her safe prescription,  
And so fall down to destruction, skilling no caution?   

Such is my case; God knows I mean  
That no man should love-misdemeane  
Himself to danger or reproach;  
Yet some men do, and I for such sustain detraction.   

Not but that I must confess,  
There is a kind of heaviness  
In loves pursuit, but that's to make  
It (once obtained) more delicate to the paines-taker.   

The more adventure, the more gains,  
No pleasure's sweet without some pains  
Who never wept, laughs savour-lesse,  
The fisherman fisheth bootless that feels no water.   

So is it then my property  
To mix some sour with swavitie,  
To make them know that sweet content  
Is no fondelings base baublement, but of better worth.   

The appetite that is foregon  
With over-sweet commestion,  
Tart meats recover it again  
From out that overfed famine with their prickle spurs.   

And then as doth that appetit  
Re-savor every dainty bit,  
So all my sour contraries  
Are shooing-hornes to swaveties, and refining files.   

Then marvel not, if now and then  
You see my sours among men,  
The which hereby well may ye know,  
That still a woman strikes the blow with her wyle-beguiles.   

The Sun is not so base a groom,  
As to be tied to every room,  
But here and there, and as it lists,  
It flits by selfe-fits and shifts to show his freedom.   

And why not I to show my state,  
And make mankind more kind & grate,  
Should not likewise sometimes bestow  
My frets and checks, and overthrow on pleasure's kingdom?   

The fruit of overmuch fruition,  
Being of a loathed condition,  
I deem it prudent policy  
To turn familiarity sometimes t' enmity.   

That then as doth the suns return  
Fructify and fair adorn  
Each plain fore-withred with winter,  
So likewise may my fair re-enter renew all jollity.   

Then (gentle Eld) admit me now,  
Coming to re-enter you,  
And with my sweetest sollaces  
I'll cheer your ages anguishs, and all to bless you.   

I will quite renew your figure,  
From cripple to youthful vigure,  
And on that crazed tenement  
I'll rear a lofty battlement, for all the world to view.   

Your garden I will fair replant,  
And set with flowers all aflant,  
There shall no bryre abide therein,  
No weed, nor any unsavoury thing, but I'll pluck it up.   

Pleasant streams shall run along  
All your plants and flowers among,  
All manner sweet-throated birds  
Shall sit and sing in the arbours where you dine or sup,   

Then yield yourself to my awardes,  
Proffering you so sweet rewards,  
Be pleased to change your churlish ire  
To a delicious desire of all sweet solace.   

Old. These latter reasons and protests  
Win me to your sweet behests,  
For that I note sincerity  
In this so plain discovery of your sweet-sour case.   

I feel within my conscience  
Assurance of your innocence,  
Besides your very nakedness,  
That bodes and warranteth no less, so shone it shineth.   

Me thinks there can no sad mischance  
Lodge in so fair a countenance,  
Nor can that tongue avouch untruth,  
Being as honey in the mouth, and so sweet savoureth.   

But be it true, or be it false,  
I now recant my denials,  
And pray you pardon my outrage  
Imputing it to rude old-age and testy passion.   

And if that you comply with me  
In true professed jollity;  
Perhaps in time my services  
May honour your benignities, in some good fashion.   

love. So well advised I welcome thee,  
Even to my dearest faculty,  
The which eftsoons thou shalt approve  
With all the benefits of love, Love can afford thee.   

And now in honour of accord  
Unto this Lute I will record  
A hymn of joyful jubilee,  
To rouse up thy Senechdochie to loves activity.   

LOVES SONNET.  

THe day is done, and night invites  
Man and woman to dear delights,  
The candle's out, and curtains spread,  
And he and she are both a bed,  
All naked is their conversation,  
And arm in arm their sociation,  
The rest is void of attestation, as privily done,   

Lo there she lies as one content  
To give and take all blandishment,  
Her front is as the ivory bowl  
Orient fair, and free from scowl;  
Her hair is golden grass upon a mount,  
Her ear is musics happy countermount,  
Her eye a lamp whereby to cast th'account of all benediction.   

Her cheek's a goodly garden bed,  
With cherrie-lillie flowers or'e-spred,  
Her nose a pipe of sweet perfumes,  
There stills down no unsavoury rheums:  
Her lips are sweet, like Hybla's hony-comes,  
Her tongue th'oracle of loves freedoms,  
Her teeth the ranks of gallant Mermedones in their brightest hue.   

Her chin and neck are severally  
Snow-white temptations to the eye,  
Her arms are farms of sweet abode,  
Her finger's nets in pleasures flood,  
Th' Alabaster orbs upon her breast  
Are bout'fieu-belloes down unto the rest  
Below, where chiefest pleasure is postest by the bedfellow.   

There is no dump, nor drerement,  
Nor gall, nor jawlle in loves intent,  
All's naked like to innocence,  
Boding no offence, nor yet defence.  
Winter benumbs not Lovers in a bed,  
Nor any any Westminstry torments their head,  
Nor any death kills their love-livelihed, except for joy they die.   

loves Tergate is a smile-faire face,  
Her bulwark is another place,  
With these she war-fareth dull death,  
And doth preserve mankind on earth,  
Which else had been long since annihiled,  
With all other living things beside,  
Had not these implements of love prevailed man and woman-fully.   

Love lusteth after dainty diet,  
And mirth and music must be by it,  
It heeds no gross rusticity,  
But all that is dear and dainty:  
Love is adventurous for to obtain,  
Having sweet countervails for every pain,  
Besides the pleasure of possessed gain arm in arm at last.   

Old age that Love revives to lust,  
Hath overlived Natures worst:  
His pleasant play-Feare in a bed  
Hydra-like renews his head,  
Her fire is that Promotheus did bring  
From heaven, of force to quicken every thing,  
Even very stones that ner'had any living, but ●ay ever waste.   

See how the musicke-Nightingale,  
Chants daylight on nights sable vale,  
Or as the Spring renews the earth,  
Vn-wintring it with newcome mirth,  
So fares old age through loves benignities,  
So sovereign are all her activities,  
And Love with love so sweet a thing it is, drenching all in joy.   

Then old and young be thus advised,  
Be not with any weal sufficed,  
Nor health, nor wealth, nor sovereignty,  
Except you love and loved be:  
For love's a salt that seasoneth all good,  
Sans Love all other pleasure is but mud,  
And love alonely is life's livelihood, killing all annoy.    

Old. Oh now embrace we with a kiss  
And pardon my unlovingnisse.  
love. I do. Old. Then here withal I vow  
Eternal loyalty to you, as to my Sovereign.   

love. Now that we have embraced & kissed  
Tell me how you feel your brist.  
Old. I feel a ravenous desire  
Oflust, I feel a flaming fire through'out every vain.   

I feel a fancy full of frets,  
Rebellion in all my secrets,  
I feel a fowl exalted ill  
Quite prevailed against my will, and against all reason.   

I feel a wound, yet crave no cure,  
But rather wish it may endure,  
I feel it, yet I see it not,  
So blind I am, or have forgot my seeing function.   

love. I so: Now will I sit me down  
And beard thy graybeard with a frown  
I'll laugh to think how all thy fame  
Of Chastity will turn to shame through base luxury.   

Now where is all thy valiancy  
And boasted prudence against me?  
Is all thy Stoycal conceit  
So soon subverted by deceit, and turned to foolery?   

Thou hast my kiss, now have my curse,  
Ner' shall thy love deserve remorse:  
Still sue and spend, and after all  
Reap but disdain and denial at thy Mistress hand.   

And to th'end thou mayst approve  
Thyself the verrier fool in love,  
Thy Mistress age must not surpass  
Full 15 years by the hourglass, so is thy case scanned.   

The rest I leave to her to do,  
Flouts, and freaks, and spites enough,  
And all the world to wonder at  
Thee, as an errand Idiot to be so abused.   

Oh what a goodly fight wilt be  
To see thee in thy foolery:  
Cap and curtsy to the ground,  
And yet no favour to be found, but be more misused.   

How like a gallant wilt thou ride  
With sword and dagger at thy side,  
Cap and feather on thy crown  
With a little Cupid hanging down thy breast before.   

And then to hear thy grave requests  
Accompanied with deep protests  
And many an antic countenance  
To grace each several circumstance, still sighing evermore.   

Besides thy inward anguishes,  
far worse than all the premises,  
Vain hope, and desperation,  
And doubtful interpretation of every occurrent.   

Presumption and jealousy,  
Care, passion, and captivity,  
Error, and indiscretion,  
Unrest, and vain invention, and thy wealth misspent.   

These and such like absurdities  
Shall Owlefie thee'n all men's eyes:  
Who when they have twitted thee to death  
Yet shall thy shame suruine uneath, and thus thy Epitaph.   
Who ere thou art that readst this Epitaph above,  
Know that here underneath doth lie the Owl of love.  

Old. Why how now (Love) is all thy bliss  
And sweet protests returned to this?  
Then I revoke my fealty,  
As vowed to no such tyranny and cruel skath.   

I vowed my vow to swaveties,  
And not to infelicities;  
Nor is it honourably done  
To tyrannize submission and poor cripple age.   

love. Thy vow was not conditional  
To sweets; but wholly personal  
To me; in my propriety  
To use thee well or wretchedly in my bliss, or rage.   

Then art thou sure enough a slave  
To row my galley in the wave  
Of all accurse; thy contradiction  
Meritting such malediction at my angry hands.   

So art thou still a Mariner,  
Nor I the foresaid murderer,  
Only thy hoary Mithredates  
Have proved themselves poor potentate's in their weak withstands.   

But yet (courage,) I am content  
To be thus much indifferent,  
Either that thou take a married wife,  
And be a Cuckold all thy life, or bide thy present doom.   

Old. Nor that, nor this would I abide,  
Were I again vncaptiuyed;  
But often have I heard it say,  
Needs must that horse to hell away that the Devil rides on.   

I slept a while, but now I see  
That was thy charm and sorcery,  
Ther-hence thou didst commence r●y foil  
As Deer that's taken in a toil, and so sent blind away.   

But since I see no remedy,  
I yield me to thy lenity,  
Whereby both thou the Conqueror,  
And I thy poor Orator may honour enjoy.   
FINIS.   

Faults escaped in this Poem.  
Fol. 1. b lin. 5. stain. read. slain.  
Fol. 8. b. lin. penult. mussance. read nuissance.