lawtricks OR, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT.  
As it hath been divers times Acted by the Children of the Revels.  
Written by john Day.  
LONDON Printed for Richard More, and are to be sold at his Shop in S. Dunstanes Church-yard in Fleetstreet. 1608.   

The Book to the Reader.  
HOnest Reader, by thy patience, this is the first time of our meeting, & it may be the last, that's as we shall agree at parting, wilt buy me, the stationer thanks thee; wilt read me, do: but pick no more out of me, than he that writ put into me: nor know me not better than he that made me: such Mechanic gods this hill of Parnassus harbours: we have a strange sect of upstart Physiognomers, grown up amongst us of late, that will assume out of the depth of their knowings, to calculate a man's intent by the colour of his complexion: nay, which is miraculous, by the character of his report: and 'tis wonderful to consider: cannot an honest man speak to a knave, but his language must needs be scanned? a gallant to a Countryman, must his intent be to rob? must a Cuckold of consequent necessity dwell at the Hartshorn? and a physician at the Cat & the fiddle? strange interpretations. I say no more, but if the Cobbler would look no further than the shoe-latchet, we should not have so many corrupt translations: for mine own part I reverence all modest advertisements, and submit myself to any judicious censurer, & protesting I never held my irregular course, but my Ink hath been always simple, without the juice of wormwood, and my pen smooth without teeth, and so it shall continue.  
Farewell.  
Thine or any man's for a testar.  
Who would have thought it.   


The Names of the Actors.  Ferneze, 
Duke of Genoa.  Polymetes, 
His Son.  Lurdo. 
An old Count  Horatio. 
A young Count.  Horatio's. 
Page.  Julio. 
A noble youthful Gallant.  Angels. 
A Noble Counsellor  Adam. 
servant to Polymetes.  joculo. 
Page to Emilia.  Emilia. 
Daughter to the Duke.  Countess. 
lurdos' wife  Win. 
Servant to Count Lurdo.  1 
Gentlewoman.  2 
Gentlewoman.  3 
Gentlewoman.    

Law-tricks, OR Who would have thought it.  

ACTƲS primus.  Enter Count, Horatio solus. Hor. 
divine invention, O how I could hug,  
And like an amorous Lover court thy beauty,  
That crown'st me King of pleasures! were my brain  
Forged out of vulgar metal without fire,  
And sprightly motion, my big-swollen hopes,  
Had been stillborn, but when dejected minds,  
Out slept the golden pleasure of the night:  
My serious meditations have outwatched,  
The glorious tapers that attend the Moon:  
I turned my thoughts into a thousand shapes:  
Moulded the fashion of ten thousand plots,  
Liked and disliked so many, that my brain  
The mother of Invention grew barren,  
Almost past bearing, still my labouring thoughts  
Conceived a yet more strange and quaint Idea,  
Gave it proportion, and I brought it forth:  
And that blessed infant of Invention  
Beyond all hope hath my contentment won,  
And that's loves heaven I love a face more fair  
Than Cinthia's as hue that seems above compare,  
But hell, her husband with a jealous eye  
Ushers her steps, oh wedded slavery!  
This tender rose, whom artless marriage,  
Hath grafted on a nettle (testy age)  
Have I ungrafted, made himself untie  
The knot of wedlock: thanks sweet industry.  Enter Count Lurdo. meditating. 
And here 'a comes, that which most heaps my fame,  
His wit's well spoken of.  Lu. 
This wit's a sprightly thing.  Ho. 
For such as have't.  Lu. 
It not alone doth bring,  
Public applause, but knowledge i'the law,  
Teacheth to speak in distance.  Ho. 
How the daw  
Scours o'er his rusty phrases? honoured Count,  
How grows your plot?  Lu. 
My thriving fortunes mount  
Above suppose, even to my heart's content:  
we are divorced.  Ho. 
My hopes are prevalent.  Lu. 
You know the cause on't, two sufficient men  
Swore her a harlot, and the partial Bench  
inspired by my good Angels (Angels wings  
Sweep a clear passage to the seat of Kings)  
Sealed our divorce.  Ho. 
But doth her brother swallow  
This gross abuse?  Lu. 
Abuse, away, away.  
They know me rich Horatio, chink, chink:  
Whilst this holds out, my cause shall never sink.  Enter Duke Ferneze and angel. Ho. 
See where 'a comes, his sad complexion wears,  
Griefs mourning livery, he is clothed in tears.  Ang. 
Whence springs this sorrow?  Fer. 
For my sister's shame,  
My sister, oh my sister, whose repute  
Hung like a Jewel on her sex's forehead.  Ang. 
And what of her?  Fer. 
she is, o no she was  
Pure as the Diamond, clear as crystal glass,  
But now, O hell, her credit is more foul,  
Then speckled scandal, or black murders soul.  Ang. 
I cannot think it.  Lu. 
But I know't too true,  
She was my wife and by her means, my head  
Was fairly tupped and you will buy a lantern:  
Bespeak my sconce, 'tis ready horned and all.  Ho. 
Not yet, but I'll take order that it shall.  Fer. 
And are ye parted?  Lu. 
What a question's that?  
Shall I wear cracked rings, Diamonds with a flaw,  
I'll carry coals and you will, no horns, I know the law.  An. 
Is this your grief?  Fer. 
This is enough, to make  
Patience turn, she that was the pattern,  
To whose proportion all our courtly dames,  
Cut out their actions, she to fall: a sign—  Lu. 
More will fall shortly.  Fer. 
Her shame—  Lu. 
Grows here, whoever broached the wine,  
The butt stands here, my forehead bears the sign,  Ho. 
It merits none, the shame's nor yours nor his,  
That foot's even made that never treads a miss,  
Beauty came first from Heaven, Prometheus,  
Stole it to make proud women bewteous,  
Now, stolen goods thrive not: women steal from men  
Then blame not them to seek their own again.  
king's have for this been felons, and 'tis proved,  
He never was divine that never loved.  Lu. 
I find no law for this.  Ho. 
Custom you prove,  
And what's more Ancient than to pilfer lovet  Lu. 
A quillet well applied.  Ho. 
Then bury grief,  
If this be felony, myself's a thief.  Lu. 
A nimble wit, just of the length of mine.  
But come my liege, forget, it so will I,  
Our infant griefs must be old men and die,  Fer. 
Not whilst her fault survives,  
What news with thee.  Enter Heratio's Page. Pa. 
I bring your honour comfortable news,  
Your son's returned from Pisa,  Fer. 
'a comes ill,  
And yet I hope his blessed arrive will kill  
This monster grief.  Ho. 
He is a toward Prince.  Fe. 
Toward enough, and yet most strangely weaned  
And wedded from this world's society.  Lu. 
A parlous youth, sharp and satirical,  
Would 'a but spend some study in the law,  
'a would prove a passing subtle Barrister.  Hor. 
Has a quick wit.  Lur. 
And 'a speaks Latin too,  
Truly and so few Lawyers use to do.  Enter Prince Polymetes with a Book. Poly. 
Health to this honoured presence: passing good!  Aug. 
Welcome sweet Prince.  Poly. 
Thanks: superpassing good!  
But honoured father, see how he proceeds:  
Learning was first made pilot to the world,  
And in the chair of contemplation,  
Many degrees above the turning clouds  
Held in his hand the nine-leafed marble book,  
Drawn full of silver lines and golden Stars.  Fer. 
But Son?  Poly. 
But father, it was learning's place,  
Till empty outsides, shadows daubed with gold  
Plucked him down headlong, then he lost his wits,  
And ever since lives Zany to the world,  
Turns Pageant-Poet, toiler to the press,  
Makes himself cheap, detested, hissed and stale,  
To every bubble and dull Groom.  
Who for his outsides gaudy, will presume  
To make poor wit a hackney to his pride.  
And with blunt rolled jests spurgall his side  
Till his soul bleed, O, I am more than mad,  
To see mere shadows censure and control,  
The substance, worthier both in sense and soul  Fer. 
Fie Polymetes, though the rob of learning,  
Sit comely on a Prince, yet wean thy thoughts  
From this strict contemplation, and embrace  
Public assemblies, knightly exercise.  Poly. 
How's that? to swear and give the sudden stab?  
Sell Lands to purchase fashions? O 'tis base!  
Bought gentry, should trueborn worth disgrace.  Ang. 
Practice to hunt.  Pol. 
No, some that use that sport  
giv't over, being scarce one hair the better for't.  Fer. 
Then practise Revels.  Pol. 
Revels sprightly play,  
Yet every year, some revel all away.  Lur. 
All these are trivial: Prince, be a Lawyer:  Pol. 
Of all Land monsters, some that bear that name,  
Might well be spared, whose vulture Avarice  
Devours men living: they of all the rest,  
Deal most with Angels, & yet prove least blessed.  Lur. 
Wrong not the Law.  Pol. 
I cannot, 'tis divine:  
And i'll compare it to a golden chain,  
That links the body of a commonwealth,  
Into a firm and formal Union.  
It holds the sword, with an impartial hand,  
Curbs in the rains of an unruly land,  
'tis twined to justice, and with holy zeal,  
Rightly determines the poor man's appeal.  
And those that are laws true administers,  
Are fathers to the wronged, heaven's justicers.  Lur. 
Fore-god 'tis true, right properties of the Law  
But under favour, and with due respect  
Of that unvalued pearl, and the professors,  
yourself and such lack-latin Advocates  
Infect the heart, and do their best to change  
The true intent of sanctimonious law.  
Turn Church yards Champions, and make the ground grown rank with grandsire's flesh,  
Bear corn to feed the Son.  Fer. 
Will this be suffered?  
But Polymetes, in thy stay at Pisa,  
When heardst thou of thy Sister?  Pol. 
Much too late,  
The reason, with your patience i'll relate.  
Beauteous Emilia, whom I never saw,  
But in the Rhetoric of discursive tongues  
In Sancta Monta, neighbour to Sardinia,  
Where silver Arno in her Crystal bosom,  
Courts the fresh banks with many an amorous kiss.  
My Sister (as the country custom claimed)  
With all the choicest virgins of the Land,  
Met at the Temple, half a league remote,  
From all resort of people, which was decked  
With all the Relics, and the choicest gems,  
Marseilles, Pisa, or Leghorn could yield.  Fer. 
What followed this rich preparation?  Pol. 
Whilst they securely tend their Orisons,  
Three armed Galleys of the faithless Turks,  
At this advantage set their men on shore,  
Entered the Temple, and profaned their shrines,  
On the high Altar sacrificed the Priests,  
Disrayed the Temple of the golden robes,  
Murdered the matrons, ravished the Maids,  
And dragging them by the disheveled hair,  
Did with their ravished bodies fill their boats,  
Amongst the rest, Emilia whom report  
Called by no name but only beautiful,  
Was ravished, slain, or taken prisoner.  Fer. 
O Polymetes! thy discourse confounds,  
Thou healst old hurts, yet giv'st us deeper wounds,  
But words are air, see our armed Galleys maned,  
And in them place as many of our Knights  
As loved Emilia and their sovereign's health.  
I'll unto Pisa, and till our return,  
Because our widowed Dukedom shall not mourn.  
Be thou her minion, and possess her chair,  
Fill that with honour, 'twill fill thee with care,  
Urgeno denials, Genowa's a dew,  
we leave old griefs, and go in quest of new.  Exeunt: manent Lurdo and Horatio. Lur. 
Better and better, now my hopes are fit,  
The Duke thus gone, what tongue so bold dares say  
I wronged my wife?  Ho. 
That dares Horatio's.  Lur. 
Thou art myself, we both have but one bosom  
One tongue, one soul, two bodies & one heart.  Hor. 
I know't my Lord.  Lur. 
'tis true, but let that pass,  
we two are one.  Hor. 
I know your honour's wise.  Lur. 
And I know thee  
For no small fool, 'twas simple policy,  
And not without some counsel of the law,  
That not withstanding my wives near alliance  
Unto the Duke, I purchased a divorce.  Hor. 
What was the cause?  Lur. 
I tell thee, the most wrong  
Was this, my Avarice thought she lived too long.  
I know one man hath coffined up six wives  
Since she was mine, and by the poorest, pursed  
A brace of thousand pounds: still good in Law,  
Men must be rich, by thrift our treasures rise,  
Give me the man's knave rich, take you poor wise,  
But close, cock sure i'll feed me fat with sport,  
Gull all, fool all, why? I have Law-tricks for't. Exit  Hor. 
How Justice Slender glories in the plot,  
Which to deceive him, my full brain begot?  
But to his wife, true virtue though disgraced,  
she's now half wooed because she's thought unchaste  
Her sex's credit, or discredit thrives  
In th' outward shape and fashion of their lives,  
and be a woman's virtues near so strong.  
Her honour's weighed upon discourses tongue.  
Be her fame sullied, were her thoughts as bright  
As Innocence, the world would count her light.  
For though 'mongst women, most are beauteous,  
They that please time are counted virtuous,  
And in this hope, i'll to the Countess go,  
she's counted light, Love grant I find her so. Exit.  Enter Emilia and joculo. Joc. 
Welcome to Genea Madam, and to make a short cut of our long travel, faith tell me, how do you feel yourself since you came ashore?  Em. 
Feel myself? why with my hands, what an idle question's that?  Ioc. 
Then pray be you better occupied in your answer: but Madam, do you remember what a multitude of fishes we saw at Sea? and I do wonder how they can all live by one another.  Em. 
Why fool, as men do on the Land, the great ones eat up the little ones, but joculo, I am great, passing great, and ready to lie down.  Joc. 
Do Madam, and i'll stand by and do my good will to deliver you.  Em. 
Man's death of what?  Ioc. 
Why of your Maidenhead Madam & if you please, or rather of the huge birth of knavery you're in travel of.  Em. 
And insooth joculo at this time I stand in some need of a witty midwife: but may I trust thee?  Ioc. 
Above the girdlestead, and below the knee Madam without any danger, why Madam, you know at our first meeting in the Turks Galleys, where we were both prisoners, and in a manner strangers, I rested faithful when we counterfeited ourselves lunatic to escape their fury I proved not false when we were cast naked ashore: I stood firm to you, and never since left your company: now having had these trials of me abroad, never mistrust my secrecy at home.  Em. 
I will credit thee, and now receive this embryon of knavery, briefly as I deliver it. I understand since our private arrival here at Genoa, that the Duke my father hearing of my surprisal from Monta sancta, attended with a hundred Knights, is gone to seek a needle in a bottle of Hay.  Io. 
Or rather to catch a quick Eel by the—  Em. 
Teeth, as I have done you sir?  Io. 
Nay, and you break jests a my teeth once, I have done with you.  Em. 
If the breaking of the jest kept your teeth whole, 'twas well broken: but to the purpose; as well to try what mettle our Genoese wits are made of, as also to put my Brother's humour to the test, I intend to dance a pretty change with my name (for by nothing else I am sure they can know me, being in my infancy carried to my Ants at Pisa) then instead of Emilia, call me Tristella.  Io. 
Agreed, but what man i'th' mist is this?  Em. 
I know not yet, let's walk, and take occasion to confer with them.  Enter Polymetes reading, end Inlis taking Tobacco. Ioc. 
Yet keep without eye-shot so long as you can  Poly. 
O most Divine!  Iul. 
Tobacco? the best in Europe, 't cost me ten Crowns an ounce by this vapour.  Pol. 
Art not ashamed?  Iul. 
Of your foppish humour? yes by this Element villainously ashamed, pox on't, leave it, you are a scholar, go but to antiquity, read the Chronicles, you may find some of your Ancestors chronicled for winning a wench's favour for losing their armour, but few for wit and Scholarship: Soldiers & Scholars could never set their horses together, especially in this kicking age: but who comes here? one she-satyr or other to pitch up her Tent, cast down her gauntlet and proclaim thee coward for not stabbing her, when she gave thee the most plain apparent and open lie.  Em. 
joculo, we are fallen into their eyes.  Ioc. 
they'll hardly see their way then, for we are shrewd moats, but als one, i'll give occasion of quarrel, answer you as you can,  justle julio. Iul. 
Your reason Sir?  Ioc. 
To make thee recoil, or with the Soldier to fall off, is't your country manner to corrive a leader, being upon or before present service as I am?  Iul. 
Pardon me sir, I did not see your charge.  
Would I had never seen her, for her eye  
Hath set my thoughts in a strange mutiny.  Pol. 
What, in love julio?  Iul. 
No Prince, love's in me,  
I like a slave endure loves tyranny.  Ioc. 
Madam, your Brother.  Pol. 
Slave to all slaves be he that snares his eye,  
In a weak siren's Cobweb flattery.  Iul. 
God save fair sweet.  Em. 
Amen, from such as you.  Iul. 
You had said for such, had your tongue gone true.  Em. 
Why then belike I lie.  Iul. 
I would you did, within my Curtains.  Em. 
Marry love forbid.  Iul. 
Nay, love is willing, for he cries let's go:  Em. 
Then love hath two tongues, for he tells me no,  
so pray let's part.  Iul. 
What, and our lips not meet?  Em. 
Now fie upon't, like Broom-men in the street?  
You're a young wooer, or else much too rude,  
To show this kindness fore a multitude,  
But by the blush that colours o'er your face,  
You would scarce do't in a more private place.  Po. 
This same strange thing i'th' likeness of a woman,  
Tastes of much wit, though I not love her sex,  
I'll arm my thoughts to crack a jest with her.  
What, gravelled lulio?  Em. 
No, but run a Land:  
Is your wit's shipping any better manned?  Pol. 
Yes, will you board it?  Em. 
No, I dare not venture:  Pol. 
Make but a shot in jest and you may enter.  Em. 
You are a Scholar.  Pol. 
I have seen some Schools.  Em. 
You came not over i' the last fleet of Fools.  Pol. 
You took my room up.  Em. 
I pray take't again,  
we'll have no women fools sail amongst men.  Pol. 
Your wit's much currish.  Em. 
Why 't bites not you,  
It feeds on fools flesh, so wisemen adieu  Iul. 
Please you accept the curtsy of the town?  Em. 
I need not, I have curtsies of mine owns  
there's one for you.  Pol. 
How chance your wit's so free?  Em. 
Only to outgo jadish company.  Iul. 
Here are none such.  Ioc. 
Take heed, for if you tire,  
she'll keep her pace and leave you in the mire.  Pol. 
A woman's feature, but a scholars tongue  
In quick discourse, Philosophers near wondered  
More at the strange conception of the winds,  
Than I admire how she attained this wit:  
Did not true learning make the soul divine,  
She hath spoke enough to make me convertine.  Iul. 
My loves are sound, & wait but your reply,  
A short lined accent, either no or I.  Em. 
I am not too severe, nor yet so kind,  
To fall for every idle puff of wind.  
But farewell, i'll take counsel of my pillow,  
Pity fresh youth should wither in green willow.  Iul. 
Appoint the place sweet, i'll not miss mine houte.  Em. 
At the three fools.  Iul. 
I'll meet.  Em. 
And make up four.  Pol. 
Sweet words, kind looks, what? and a parting kiss.  
Words, looks and lips cry all, the wench is his.  
I am possessed devil, love persuades my mind,  
That if to him, to me she'll prove more kind.  
What's julio made of? hadst thou soul or sense,  
Thou wouldst not prentice thy affections,  
Nor tie thy fortunes to a stranger's love.  Iul. 
A little liking my Lord, a jerk a trick or so, but no pure love I protest, but be impartial, cast of the furred-gown of hate, and speak out of the naked Doublet and hose of judgement: is she not worthy to be beloved? nay, might not she and I live passing well together?  Pol. 
Yes, if to live in bondage be no hell,  
I think you two, might do exceeding well.  Iul. 
Well my Lord, because i'll be no example of self-will, i'll break off our meeting at the three Fools, and send for her to Court, where i'll put all my love into one quart of Maligo, & your melancholy humour into another, and he that hath done last, shall for penance give her a kick o' the lips, and a pipe of Tobacco be my witness, that's all the love I bear her.  Pol. 
Well julio,  
howe'er you juggle, if you do agree,  
You must be pleased to wear the keeper's fee. Exennt   

Actus Secundus.  Enter Count Lurdo and Adam. Adam. 
Sir, I do not love to double with a woman if my friend, much less with you my most upright & straight Count, my young Lord (as I told you) is turned absolute prodigal.  Lur. 
How prodigal?  Adam. 
Marry thus prodigal, to frequent ordinaries is his ordinary practice, rubs out whole weeks together in bowling. Allies, bandies away his pocket full of french-crowns in a morning, and counts it a pretty sport to procure heat.  Lur. 
Thou tell'st me wonders, he that but last day,  
Was never seen to walk without a book,  
Writ against pleasure, and make bitter jests  
Of honest recreation, turned dissolute,  
I see no reason for't, the law and I,  
(I tell you plainly Adam) think you lie.  Adam. 
Think as you will sir, there's not a trick used in the town that deserves damnation, but he desires to deal in't, 'tis pity 'a was not made a tradesman, he loves to follow his occupation a life, & that which makes him doubt most, he is in love with the Indian punk Tobacco.  Lur. 
Punk! how the fool that doth not know it slanders a leaf, nicknames a stranger herb.  Adam. 
No herb a grace I hope sir.  Lur. 
Nor good thrift neither,  
Yet there's one dunce, a kind of plodding Poet,  
swears 'twas not in the first creation,  
Because he finds no ballad argument,  
To prove old Adam a Tobacconist,  Adam. 
I think none o' the name louts it, I have heard old Adam was an honest man, and a good Gardener loved lettuce well, Salads and Cabbage reasonable well, yet no Tobacco: Again, Adam Bell a substantial outlaw, & passing a good Archer, yet no tobacconist. Further, Diogenes, whose proper name might be Adam for aught I know, loved Carrots well, Leek porridge, passing well, yet no Tobacco: to conclude, my great Grandfathers Grandfather's father, and myself all gardeners, yet could not abide this chimney-sweeper Tobacco.  Lur. 
They did not: take me with you, what's the, cause They were all plain folks, & did not know the laws.  Adam 
They were plain indeed, and thereof grew the prover be, plain dealing is a jewel.  Lur. 
But he that useth it shall die a beggar.  Ad. 
That addition was made by some Lawyer or Poet, to avoid which, they cannot endure plain-dealing should have a hand in any of their actions.  Lu. 
Touch no man's function, there are jerks & tricks  
Spurn not the law, for if you do, it kicks.  Ad. 
So will a spur-galled jade sir, but to all these misdemeanours, 'a maintains a private punk, one Tristella that he had in way of reversion from julio, a twinger, a mere horseleech, one that will suck out the brains of his treasury, and make a mere skin of his wealth, ay, out of my Love reprehended his error, and he in a fury kicked me out of doors, and discharged me of his service.  Lu. 
I like not this, 'tis neither right nor straight done with no law-trick, nor no good conceit, but here 'a comes.  Enter Polim. & Emilia. Ad. 
With Autumn in his bosom, pray God she shake not down his leaves, and leave him to make the Duke his father a bald reckoning.  Lu. 
Peace and observe.  Em. 
Though I be a stranger to you,  
Yet am I well acquainted with your humour.  
A Lady cannot live about the Court  
Without the envy of your Epigrams,  
If she be pleasant, she is counted light,  
If ruddy, painted, if her ruffs be thick,  
They ask much poking.  Po. 
Trust me, love hath killed  
That wormwood humour, bring th'authority  
Of one true tongue to prove my poesy,  
Ever wronged woman.  Em. 
And you'll do't again?  Lur. 
That's a good wench.  Em. 
I pray who ought that pen?  
That in a stammering iambic vain,  
Glanced at Emilia's loose and gaudy train.  
And broke broad jests upon her narrow heel,  
Poked her Rebates, and surveyed her steel,  
tide her fringed garters, bought her words by weight  Lur. 
Still good in law, and an upright conceit.  Em. 
Do you not know that man?  Pol. 
Suppose I do?  Em. 
You did but flout them, and you'll flout me too  
You wondered not Cornelia being so fair,  
Would be beholding to her Laundress dress hair.  Pol. 
I know not this.  Em. 
True, nor that Florymell,  
Became a page's habit passing well,  
used single Rapier, took the rouse and swore,  
Of all land Beasts she could not brook the Boar,  
Nor that Count Lurdo, coming to a fray,  
Brought not the worth of one poor hair away.  Pol. 
More than his own.  Lur. 
That jest comes near to me,  
'tis overgrown now, 'a wants authority.  Em. 
Nor that Melina whom your Muse renowns  
Wore out as many suitors as new gowns.  
And the same day that she was married,  
Upon her finger wore her maidenhead.  
In likeness of a Diamond.  Pol. 
Indeed 'twas said,  
That for Ring Melina sold her head.  Em. 
But you're all Ovid's.  Lur. 
They are bawdy mates,  
Touch Lawyers too, indeed abuse all states,  Em. 
Poets are wanton, and no doubt enjoy,  
Their fair Corynna's, though perhaps less coy.  Pol. 
Suppose some do?  Em. 
Each one in this agrees to scandal us.  Lur. 
And talk of lawyer's fees.  Pol. 
Grant me but love, & with my utmost power,  
I will defend your sex's stainless honour:  
And with my pen dipped in the juice of gall,  
Be his soul's terror, that hereafter shall,  
Cast ink at honour's garments, or aspire  
To name your sex with an unhallowed fire.  Em. 
I take your word.  Enter julio. Poly. 
Then seal it with a kiss.  Lur. 
That kiss my Lord deserves an Epigram.  Pol. 
Sit down good Uncle.  Lur. 
An unbidden guest  
Should bring a stool along.  Poly. 
A woman's jest.  Iul. 
You mean a lie, for women use to lie.  Em. 
But not like Scholars by authority.  Jul. 
Yet they may produce lying authority, and so cannot Poets,  Lur. 
Nor Lawyers neither.  Em. 
Are you a Lawyer?  Jul. 
i'faith Madam, he hath sit on the skirts of law any time this thirty years.  Ad. 
Then he should be a good Trencherman by his profession.  Lu. 
Your reason Adam.  Ad. 
I knew one of that faculty in one term eat up a hole Town, Church, Steeple and all.  Iu. 
I wonder the Bells rung not all in his belly.  Ad. 
No sir, he sold them to buy his wife a taffeta  
Gown, and himself a velvet jacket.  Po. 
What a proved Jack was that? but I wonder at Lawyers for one thing, many of them use to take their fees aforehand.  Em. 
For a twofold policy, one is they were commonly greedy, the other for fear if their Clients follow their Counsel long, they will not be worth a fee.  Lau. 
'tis well said Lady, you do well to jest with an old man.  Ad. 
'a says true, for if you should jest too much with a young man, it might prove earnest, & so the fruits of your jests make you both ashamed on't.  Pol. 
Well said Adam, but leaving at a full jest, Uncle, what earnest business brought you hither?  Lur. 
Your honour's sudden Metamorphosis,  
Told by your trusty Servant, and confirmed  
By public rumor.  Pol. 
Why what says Goody Fame, and my trusty Servant  Lu. 
This is the worst my Lord that you expend  
Your treasure on that lady's maintenance.  Pol. 
'Sfoot say I do, what, has the worm-eaten bawd Fame: or ere a pander-like fool else to do with it? give her maintenance, why she is of my near affinity, should I see my she affinity go in tatters? I allow my Servant rags, & I were worse than a jew, if I should suffer my she affinity to go naked.  Lu. 
Law takes your part, & if your purse grow short  
Rather than spend the public treasury,  
I'll lend your Grace a brace of thousand pounds,  
Provided this, that as our Bookmen write  
I have security.  Em. 
A Lawyer right?  Pol. 
Security? Leases and old rents, Castle and Townships, able men, good security, Towns are no Starters, they'll hold out wind and weather.  Lu. 
I crave no more, let me have pawns and use.  Em. 
How? Lords turn Usurers? those that should  
punish broke age deal upon pawns?  
If it were once his own,  
he'd lend him money on his dukedom's crown  Po. 
But faith Uncle tell me, what think you of this  
Lady? would she not make a pretty pert Duchess?  Lur. 
she's fair, nor do I discommend your choice  
I wish her yours, a private friend or so,  
I know mad jerks, and know that Law allows,  
Princes their private pleasures, and myself  
Will do my best to gain your honour's love,  
I will not absolutely say there are,  
But there may be, if so your honour please,  
Sellers and Vaults, which from your private Garden  
May under ground lead to your bedchamber.  
Whither, I will not name myself, but some close friend,  
May unsuspected bring your beauteous Lady.  Em. 
Lord what a broking Advocate is this?  
He was some squires scrivener, and hath scraped  
Gentility out of attorneys fees:  
His bastard actions prove him such a one,  
For true worth scorns to turn Chameleon.  Pol. 
Madam, my Uncle out of tender-love,  
Better to shun all scandalous suspect,  
That might attend on our unsuiting Iodes  
Will lodge you at his house, whither at times—  Em. 
Your Grace may have access.  Lur. 
'tis so indeed.  Em. 
Is there a back way?  Lur. 
And a private door,  
A secret vault, and twenty odd tricks more.  Em. 
A Stove?  Lur. 
And Arbours with sweet violet Beds,  
That have been priest to death with maidenheads,  
Where you may sport and breath, and take a rouse  Em. 
Pe, this Lawyer keeps a bawdy house,  
I shall be ready to deceive you all.  
My Lord, your Law-plot's, most judicial.  Enter the Countess. 
but who comes here? some one of your cast clients.  Iul. 
God's me, the Countess.  Lur. 
Mum, I cannot stay,  
There's a cloud rising, drives my Sun away.  Em. 
Is this your wife?  Lur. 
Madam, 'tis she that was.  Em. 
That was and is not? how comes that to pass?  Count. 
I cannot tell, God & his conscience knows  Lur. 
And the world sees Colossus on my brows,  
Hercules' Pillars, here's none vltra writ.  Iul. 
Not in brass Characters?  Pol. 
No, horns more fit.  Lur. 
Hath not the Law divorced and made a bar twixt our affections? wert not thou content to take a pension?  Coun. 
Which you still detain.  Lur. 
Good wit, law-tricks and firm, you may complain.  Cou. 
Complain I do, I kneel before the throne and sue for justice, but yet can purchase none.  
Complain I do x.  Pol. 
Away.  Con. 
O, as you are a Prince, and you a virgin.  Em. 
I was one long since,  
This is no place for passion, dry your eyes,  Cou. 
Grief nails me to the ground, I cannot rise,  
I'll grow immodest, justice is exiled,  
And so shall duty, patience turn wild,  Po. 
Come, leave the Bedlam.  Enter Horatio aside. Lu. 
Do, for wit and Law know she's a fool,  Em. 
A couple quoth jackdaw.  Exount Hor. 
Madam.  Co. 
Who calls?  Hor. 
Madam.  Co. 
Horatio.  Hor. 
In passion Lady.  Co. 
Discontent or so.  Hor. 
Be not, be counselled, do not let despair,  
Like the rank canker bred by sultry air.  
Eat this young Rose of beauty in the bud:  
But in the April Sun of youthful blood  
Let the sweet blossom ripen, thrive and grow,  
To those full joys which none but Lovers know.  Co. 
The man talks idly, tell me I am fair,  
Lovely and young.  Hor. 
You are, by love you are,  
Not fair, you are: Leander's paramour:  
Compared with you was a swarth blackamoor  
Your hair is softer than the Colchean Fleece,  
Your well limned features, natures master piece  
Your eyes too Diamonds, set in purer mould  
Than rocks of coral, or the Indian gold.  
In thy smooth chin there is an ivory pit,  
Where blushing Venus and young Cupid sit,  
Feathering of golden shafts, the wounding heads,  
Made of thy amber tresses finest threads.  Co. 
You will not buy me sure you praise me so.  Hor. 
Yet fair, i'll bid fair for you ere I go,  Co. 
He that bids fair for me deceives his eye.  Hor. 
By heaven 'a doth not.  Enter Horatio's Page. Co. 
Wilful perjury, what means all this?  Hor. 
This my discourse intends,  
Were husband's Saints, some wives would have close friends.  Co. 
Some bade perhaps, but—  Hor. 
Husbands but for't, true, wilt? prithee wilt thou?  Co. 
What?  Ho. 
ud's Hartlings do?  Co. 
Do what?  Hor. 
Love-tricks quickly, wilt thou prithee.  Cou. 
No, I prize my credit.  Hor. 
Credit? life a man,  
What talks of credit? art not known a strumpet?  Cou. 
You do me wrong.  Hor. 
Damnation, what a gloss,  
This gilded copper, Diamond of glass,  
What strange show it makes? i'll give you a color  
Your face was near worse painted, then i'll paint  
Your wainscot credit, you are a private bit,  
Kept for some great made dives. Red hot scandal  
Suck the native colour of your souls  
As it hath scorched thy credit, shriveled bawd,  
Sponge, Lemon-pill, and more irrelishable  
Than o'erdried Stockfish, fie.  Co. 
Upon thy shame.  Ho. 
Thy husband, O thy husband's bow-legged fame  
Death I shall hate thee.  Co. 
O for honour do.  Hor. 
Swear thou art my strumpet.  Co. 
I'll endure that to.  Ho. 
Shalt not deny't, heart, canst not.  Cou. 
Yes, I can.  Ho. 
Do't for thy life, thy soul, base courtesan.  Exit Co. 
Farewell, if friendship be at such a rate,  
Before i'll purchased, i'll live still in hate.  Pa. 
Heart, a new fashion,  
A Lady poor, beautiful and chaste? clean  
From the bias of Custom: to be poor, painted,  
And proud is as common in Genoa, as felt and feather  
In the fortunate Island: but chaste and poor,  
As singular and rare, as Conscience with the Anabaptist.  Cou. 
Come hither Boy, didst never owe me service  Pag. 
Yes Madam, more than ever I paid you honestly, and were 'a not my Master.  Cou. 
Thy Master, who?  Pa. 
Horatio, he that puts chastity to the quick, & honour to the stab, but i'll show him the nature of a right Frenchman, deny him homage, for swear allegiance, and come behind hand in cash keeping, & with his own purse maintain you against him.  Cou. 
Thy purpose briefly.  Pa. 
In bald sentences, your noted wrongs are pitied.  Cou. 
Pitied, by whom?  Pa. 
By me, lodgings prepared and diet, which I humbly tender your honour, as first payment of the ancient debt, my service owes you.  Cou. 
But is the lodging private?  Pa. 
At mine own mothers, and though I say't, she keeps an honest house, though my father be a Citizen.  Cou. 
Of what profession?  Pa. 
Neither fool nor Physician, but an ingenious Pothecary.  Cou. 
And what resort?  Pag. 
Very civil and most quiet resort, patients, the house is set round with patients twice or thrice a day, and because they'll be sure not to want drink, every one brings his own water in an Urinal with him.  Cou. 
Doth a use physic too? that's beyond his warrant.  Pa. 
O Lord Madam, better men than he strain courtesy with their warrants in this age, besides, you being musical, shall meet much content, for my mother lodges three or four Knights & ladies' Daughters that practise music and needlework, and will no doubt be exceeding proud of your company, wilt please you walk?  Co. 
Thou art the Star, by whom my fate is led, My shame's so public, i'd fain hide my head.  Exeunt  

Actus Tertius.  Enter Count Lurdo and Winifride. Lur. 
current in Law, & how encountered you. Wiu. I'll tell you my good Lord (I thank my bringing up, I can talk, I use not to have my tongue to seek when it should pleasure any man, especially my good Lord) I told her what a credit it was to have a man of great credit, & that which is more, a skilful Lawyer that can stand out in her case at a dead life, and one that if need were, could make a crazy action sound, I put her in mind what it was to have such a one to her sweet heart.  Lu. 
Thou speakst but right, for so I am indeed.  Wi. 
You are, I urged it, and she confessed to me that the very first night she saw you she dreamt on you, and wished you in her bed, and her bed in the midst of the River.  Lu. 
How, i'th' the River?  Win. 
Yes for sooth,  Lu. 
In the middle of the tide.  Win. 
Yes in her dream.  Lur. 
Good,  
But she doth love me.  Win. 
Believe it my Lord she doth, marry you must think I drew her and drew her, and wrought her and wrought her, till I made her as pliant and, tractable table as wax, marry with all, she is as constant as Lucretia, and will not for a thousand pounds, till she hath the law of her side.  Lur. 
I sound her meaning, first i'll gull my Nephew.  Win. 
Her intent right, she intends to make a Gull of the Prince, and an absolute Goose of you.  Lur. 
Still good in Law, i'll fetch him over of all,  
Get all, purse all, and be possessed of all,  
And then conclude the match, marry at least,  
When can you tell? I'll use her as a hand  
To pick the PRINCE's coffers, and for reward  
To prison, marry her, for tricks can do't, (actions.  
The world's squint-eyed, and dares not pry into our  
Here lies her walk (my Lute Win) she shall see,  
youth's leaden footed in respect of me.  Play and dance. Enter Emilia. Em. 
Win, prithee give the Fiddler a testar and fend him packing, what a scraping the tongue keeps? does 'a think the Count keeps a Tavern or a bawdy-house? my good Lord! beseech your honour pardon me.  Lu. 
No harm sweet Love, how dost thou like this Caper?  Em. 
Passing well my Lord, will you never leave these coltish tricks? but to the matter: I sent you my resolution by your Maid, have you received it.  Lur. 
I have, and it holds currant,  
Then tender me possession.  Em. 
Of what?  Lur. 
Of thy chaste love.  Em. 
Not too much haste for that, you have a wife.  Lur. 
I had one.  Em. 
And still have.  Lur. 
Thy love shall quickly wed her to her grave, I near did love her.  Em. 
When she was a maid  
You swore you did, how soon poor youth's betrayed  
To helpless ruin: do you love me?  Lur. 
i'faith.  Em. 
For how long?  Lur. 
Till death.  Em. 
O deadly lie.  
I'll tell you just how long, love's bred i'th' blood,  
Prospers as long as beauties in the bud.  
When beauty withers, lustful love grows cold,  
And ere it be half ripe, 'tis rotten old.  
If you have me, you must not put on yellows,  
I'll have my self, my servant and my fellows.  
My love, my liking, and a second me,  
I love to relish sweet variety:  
Your old wife moved you, I shall vex you more.  
Take Coach with Gallants even a sore your door.  
Take Rings, give bracelets woven of my hair,  
Which to spite you, my servants arm shall wear.  
I'll in your presence sit upon his knee,  
Exchanging kisses if you speak to me.  
I'll pont in scorn, cry mew, and look aside,  
At which, if you but frown, i'll roundly chide,  
I am not as I seem, dissembling wit  
Is my best means.  Lur. 
Square to my humour fit.  Em. 
I was a Beggar borne.  Lur. 
And so was I.  Em 
Traded in lust and gainful brothelry.  Lur. 
The fitter for my turn, I was a man  
Borne to no hopes, but a few shreds of wit  
A Grammar Scholar, than a scrivener.  
Dealing for private use twixt man and man,  
and by close broke age set them at debate:  
Incensed them unto Law, which to maintain,  
I lent them money upon Lands and Plate,  
After the rate of sevenscore in the hundred.  
Then did I learn to counterfeit men's hands,  
Noblemen's arms, interline Evidences,  
Make false conveyances, yet with a trick,  
Close and cocksure, I coney-catched the world.  
Having scraped pretty wealth, I fell in League  
With my first wife, and (though I say't myself)  
She had good doings, her back comings in  
And private goings out, raised me aloft:  
I followed cases of the law abroad,  
and she was merry with her friends at home.  Em. 
Did you near take her kissing?  Lur. 
twenty times.  Em. 
Were you not jealous?  Lur 
Never nothing less.  Em. 
Yet saw her kiss with Strangers.  Lu. 
Kiss and play.  Em. 
And were you a Cuckold.  Lu. 
Cuckold by this light.  Em. 
What? a wittal.  Lur. 
And a wittal too.  Em. 
And knew't?  Lur. 
And knew't.  Em. 
And suffered it.  Lur. 
I did.  Lur. 
It went attired in gold, a golden Crest,  
Is a brave fashion, and accounted best.  Enter Wenefride. Wen. 
Madam, my Lord.  Lur. 
What news?  Win. 
The Prince.  Lu. 
The Prince.  Win. 
And julio.  Lur. 
Which way?  Em. 
Where?  Lu. 
From thence.  Win. 
That way the vault, from thence the private door, as I stood sentinel at the further end of the Vault, they being unacquainted with the turnings, came groping and feeling, as commonly men will do especially in a strange place, and as I am true sinner, had I not spied the Diamond on his finger (twin, to this o' my conscience) they had been upon me in the dark ere I had been aware of them.  Lu. 
The Prince.  Win. 
And julio.  Em. 
Quick away.  Lu. 
What plot?  Em. 
Behind the Arras? scaped behind the Arras.  Lu. 
Behind the Arras.  Em. 
Close, cock, sure, be wise,  
They only thrive that best can temporize.  Enter Polymetes and julio. Pol. 
A rare vault by this light, and never devised without the advice of a grand jury of Bawds, a word with your lips Tris.  Win. 
As god mend me Prince you smell bawdy.  Pol. 
Since I came into thy company Win. And how be't Tris? fore-God a pretty lodging.  Inl. 
And very fair hangings.  Pol. 
Passing good workmanship, what story is this Tris?  Em. 
Why my Lord? the Poetical fiction of Venus kissing Adonis in the violet bed.  Iul. 
Fore-god 'tis true, and mark where the Cuckoldly knave Vulcan stands sneaking behind the brake bush to watch 'em.  Pol. 
A pretty conceit julio, dost see Vulcan with the horning parenthesis in his forehead! I hit indirectly upon the left pap at three passes for a hundred Crowns.  Iul. 
Not for a hundred.  Pol. 
be't a match?  Iul. 
'tis done, where will you take your stand?  Pol. 
Here, anywhere, heart has the Arras an ague, it trembles so?  Em. 
No, Vulcan's fearful.  Pol. 
And with a fear it comes, have at the Cuckold.  Lnr. 
Oh!  Pol. 
Hark, the Arras is in labour.  Iul. 
Mass I heard something groan.  Poly. 
I'll be the Midwife and help to deliver it.  Em. 
Sweet Prince.  Pol. 
Hark Wench, I smell boar's grease.  Em. 
Will you but hear me?  Pol. 
Now excuse what trick? She whispers to him.  Em. 
How? but a Picture? i'll try that presently,  
If you love me, disfigure it not, I esteem it only for  
the lively workmanship.  Pol. 
Then let me have a sight on't.  Em. 
Upon condition you'll neither deface it with weapon, nor soil it with your breath—  Pol. 
On my Virginities maidenhead we will not discover Lurdo behind the Arras.  Iul. 
Heart o' the Devil, your Uncle.  Pol. 
O forbear, fore God passing good workman indeed.  Em. 
Mark but the glance of his eye.  Iul. 
The hanging of his neither lip.  Pol. 
The blush of his cheek.  Win. 
The curl of his hair.  Em. 
The pit of a chin.  Jul. 
What a smooth hand 'a hath?  Iul. 
Long fingers like a Lady.  Win. 
Not so much but a seal Ring.  Pol. 
arms and all, viz a tame Gudgeon.  Em. 
And the fool swallows it rarely, & you mark him.  Pol. 
Is the numb Ass insensible of Scoffs?  
I'll touch him nearer, yet mine eye deceives me,  
And this be not Count Lurdo's counterfeit.  Iul. 
You may soon know that my Lord.  Pol. 
As How?  Iul. 
If it be his, 'a hath the Gout in his left foot,  Poll. 
The very same, his shoe is cut and all, Farewell Tris, and yet i'll startle him a little better afore we leave him, fore-god 'tis so like him, I doubt, whether it be the shadow or his substance.  Iul. 
A block.  Em. 
A shadow.  Win. 
A mere senseless stone.  Pol. 
Then 'tis a counterfeit.  Em. 
An absolute counterfeit, what do you mean?  Pol. 
Marry many Counterfeits walk in the likeness of good money, and so may this do, which to prevent i'll nail him to a post, for fear a pass currant on your lips in my absence, and so deceive me?  Em. 
I'll swear 'a shall not, gentle Prince be short,  
Length kills the heart of the most feeling sport.  Pol. 
Well Maiden, I am content, this jest shall reprieve your head for this once, but beware the next encounter, come Ariadne's clew, will you unwind, and light us through this vault of darkness, and there's your Naulum.  Win. 
Thank you my Lord, and your business stand this way at midnight, i'll let you in by this token, and take this from me, when you come again, bring the Lady a Diamond, or some pretty & foolish stone, for I can tell you these same paltry stones are in high request amongst Ladies, especially such old mousers as I have been in my time, & as I say when you come, be not ashamed to knock, and if I come not knock lustily, and again, and never give over knocking till you hear my hem, did you never know Wins hem?  Pol. 
Never.  Iul. 
Why hast thou a private hem?  Win. 
Have I? i'faith sir I, few Gallants i'th' town that are of any standing at all, but are acquainted with my hem, but come close my Lord, close, & be sure the next time you come you do not forget to knock lustily,  Exeunt, manent Lurdo and Emilia Em. 
My Lord.  Lu. 
My Love, my life, oh thou art made  
Out of the soul of wit, and thy conceits,  
Of the best fashion.  Em. 
Did you taste the jest?  Lu: 
Divinely, oh divinely, tart and quick,  
Pleasing, yet not tedious I was wrapped  Em. 
In a knaves skin.  Lur. 
My senses were entranced.  Em. 
Into a fools Paradise.  Lur. 
Oh my sweet Phoenix, out of thy ashes.  Em. 
Is your love so hot, you mean to burn me?  Lur. 
Oh fit honeyed me,  
And then their numbness, didst thou never read  
Of any Lawyer came to be Duke?  Em. 
Never, but I have heard of a Cuckold that was an Usurper.  Lur. 
Why such a one would I be.  Em. 
What, a Cuckold?  Lur. 
Yes, and an Usurper too.  Em. 
So you are for you Lawyers usurp more crowns than half a Country.  Lur. 
Ulysses, Tully, Lawyers, but no Dukes.  Em. 
Menelaus and Vulcan were Cuckolds but no Lawyers.  Lur. 
For-me 'tis true, but now I do remember nought to that purpose:  Em. 
The most lustful Goats  
Wear guilded horns, and go in Velvet Coats.  Enter Win. Lu. 
What news Win?  Win. 
Faith ordinary household news, yonder's a well-faced Gentleman craves 'a may change a word with you.  Lur. 
His name?  Win. 
Horatio.  Lur. 
Leave us to confer.  Exeunt ambo 
A trusty friends, the soul's high Treasurer.  Enter Horatio 
In dumps Horatio? what, my second self clouded with passion?  Hor. 
O my honoured Lord, Our souls and our affections are made all of one fashion now the slightest wrong that scars the reputation of my friend, stabs daggers to my heart.  Lu. 
I know it true, and I can prove't,  
Our loves are twins,  
But to the wrong, dares any idle tongue  
Bark at our greatness?  Hor. 
Yes.  Lur. 
Their names?  Hor. 
Your wife.  Lur. 
My wife? the manner?  Hor. 
'mongst her lustful Mates,  
She shames not to give out, that by your greatness,  
knowledge, credit, and friends in highest place,  
You have divorced her without due desert.  Lur. 
We must demur of this, i'll have a trick  
By way of Habeas Corpus to remove  
This talking Gossip, come Horatio,  
Some project, how? what course for her remove:  Hor. 
I cannot counsel, but fore-god my Lord,  
My lodgings mightily annoyed with rats,  
That eat my papers and deface my books  
How should I rid them.  Lur. 
Easily, poison them,  
And well remembered, this she Rat my wife,  
That eats and tears the leaves of my repute,  
Shall taste like speeding Physic in thine ear,  
Canst temper poison?  Hor. 
Yes.  Lur. 
And kill a Rat.  Hor. 
That she shall never swell on't.  Lur. 
Mum for that,  
This she Rat is a Devil.  Hor. 
A Limb of Sathan.  Lur. 
Envy.  Hor. 
Destruction.  Lur. 
Malice.  Hor. 
Ratsbane do't?  Lur. 
Ere my disgrace get age, rare tricks and I will fool the world, wilt, do't?  Hor. 
The Rate shall die.  Exeunt severally. Enter Countess, three or four young Gentlewomen, sowing by an hourglass. Cou. 
Quick pretty Damsels, that your task were done The forenoon's eldest minutes almost run.  1 Gen. 
Then the glass runs to fast.  Cou. 
I think not so,  
Hadst thou my cares, thou'dst think it ran too slow.  2 Gen. 
I have my task forsooth.  Co. 
So have not I.  
Yet with these sands my sorrows run away  
I turn them with the glass, the glass is run,  
Yet my huge mass of cares is scarce begun,  
Here's a fault, little one what work make you.  1 Gen. 
True stitch forsooth.  Count. 
Then see you work it true.  3 Gent. 
Pray madam teach me to take out this knot Of heart's ease.  Count. 
heart's ease, I have almost forgot,  
I could have wrought it well when I was young:  
But in good sadness, I have had none long.  
What's that?  2 Gent. 
A branch of Rue.  Count. 
A common weed, of all herbs else I work that well indeed, how chance your flower is behind the glass?  2 Gen. 
Indeed I'll get it up:  Coun. 
Indeed alas.  
I cannot chide with her, yet tyrant care,  
At my entreat will not one sight forbear:  2 Gen. 
Why sigh you madam?  Cou. 
Oh I grieve to see,  
Youth run to cath at their own misery.  
You are like April or Rose buds in May,  
You never wither, till the wedding day,  
Even so did I, so pretty souls will you,  
Youth wears mild Hearts ease, marriage bitter Rue.  2 Gen. 
Be not so sad, good madam, do b ut smile,  
we'll have a song sad sorrow to beguile.  Cantant. Enter Horatio. Hor. 
Save you fair Ladies, madam, my business leads me to you.  Execaeterae. Count. 
If in your ancient suit,  
My cares are deafened and my utterance mute.  Ho. 
Your ear, be wood, what should beget this coins  
Were I a stranger, or some City Gull  
I would commend thee, but I know the world.  
Lodging is costly, maintenance asks charge:  
Thou art divorced and haste no other help,  
But thy bare comings in: accept my Love,  
I will allow thee twenty pound a quarter.  
To buy thee pings.  Count 
Leave this modest suit.  
Or by my honour—  Hor. 
Come, these words of course  
My fame, mine honour, and my dear respect:  
Are but like Ignes fatui to delude,  
Green and unseasoned wits, pry thee be kind,  
A guilded slip carries as fair a show,  
As perfect gold, guilt honour may do so  Count. 
But put your slip to trial, the slight gold,  
Is soon rubbed of:  Hor. 
Come, thy distinctions sold  
Let not thy April beauty like a Rose,  
Fade in the bud, and ripened pleasures lose,  
My sword thy honour: thy estate my purse,  
Shall man and strengthen,  Count. 
I detest that course.  Hor. 
Your husband hath a sweet heart:  Count. 
For his ill.  
Shall I turn traitor & mine own fame kill?  Hor. 
'tis dead already, every idle tongue, Stabs it to death.  Count. 
I have the greater wrong.  Hor. 
Thou wrong'st thyself & spurnest thy proper good  
Am I not youthful see my wanton blood  
Danceth within my veins, and blushing, Courts  
Thy generous beauty to more amorous sports,  
You shall not choose.  Count. 
hands of.  Hor. 
I love the e dear.  Count. 
I hate thee deadly.  Hor. 
Dost thou?  Cou. 
Shall I swear?  Ho. 
No, i'll believe thee Phoenix of thy sex,  
I glory in thy virtues, and reveal,  
What by my oath I promised to conceal.  
Your jealous husband urged me to this try all,  
Pawning his oath upon your strict deny all,  
all bastard jealousy should be exiled,  
and ancient love entirely reconciled.  
I touched your heart, and now I find it true,  
I'll give you notice, i'll empoison you.  Co. 
Thou speak'st all comfort.  Hor. 
I was made of hope. and rich performance waits upon my words.  Cou. 
Father of my fair fortunes, whose rich love begets this reuniting covenant,  
When comes this long expected sealing day?  Hor. 
Tomorrow, the hour eight.  Cou. 
Certain?  Hor. 
As life.  Cou. 
Then follow me to feast,  
Thy news Horatio is the Welcomest guest.  Exit Hor. 
Swell heart, hold bosom, yield not to relent,  
and yet her beauty, colourable trash,  
Her virtues, vengeance Hypocritical,  
I love her, fury, poison, Hidra's gall,  
Impatience man me, black damnation  
Usher my practice, poison play thy part,  
and do my latest greetings to her heart.  
We all must down, yet here the difference lies.  
Many for sins, she for her virtue dies.  Exit.  

Actus Quartus.  Enter Polymetes Julio, Horatio, Emilia & Pages Pol. 
T Tristella.  Em. 
My Lord?  Pol. 
Good wine needs no bush, nor a good face painting thou art favour of thyself, and what thou cost is not under a colour.  Em. 
I know no other painter but one, and her name is modesty, and she sometimes throws a blush into my face to make my pale cheeks red, but else you shall never take me for an Alderman's post.  Po. 
Why an Alderman's poet?  Em. 
Mark but where great posts are newly painted, you shall see much egress & regress in and out, & where you see a face newly ochered, 'tis a sign there's great traffic, & much stirring to and fro.  Po. 
Come sit, sit, nay nearer, nearer, nearer yet.  Em. 
Then I shall sit upon your skirts.  Po. 
julio and Horatio, what shall's have to supper?  
I am now in the spending vain.  Em. 
Then God for me: what make I so near?  Po. 
Good action, you shall not remove, I learned that phrase of mine uncle, boy, know what Adam hath bespoken for our palates.  
Where there a banquet to be had,  
More rate and dear, then that Vitellius made:  
It should be served in, but Horatio,  
What shall we eat that's costly, and that's rare?  Ho. 
A roated Phoenix were excellent good for that Lady.  Em. 
And why for that Lady.  Ho. 
Fare etched and dear bought, is good for you know who  Em. 
For Ladies.  Ho. 
I for Ladies.  Em. 
Then the most cheap stuff, and next to hand is good for you know who.  Ho. 
For knaves.  Em. 
I for knaves.  Enter the Page and Adam. Iu. 
Adam what have you ready.  Ad. 
Sir you may have a calves head.  Em. 
here's a Gentleman hath one in his hat already, no more. calves head I pray thee.  Po. 
Hast any Pheasants or Partridges?  Ad. 
No, but if your Lordship will have a dish of Woodcocks.  Em. 
No for Godsake, they are the stalest meat with me of any, for I never sit to meat with these gallants, but there's Woodcocks clean through the table.  Ad. 
Then unless you will have a Dotrell or a Gull.  Em. 
A Gull? why which of these Gent. wilt thou serve in? do you not hear how Adam flouts you?  Ad. 
I mean a Seagull baked.  Em. 
I in any case let's have that, I have fed my wit on many a land-Gull, once let me banquet myself of a Seagull, some Sea Captain, I lay my life that has a desire to sup with me, but such as thou hast, I prithee be brief  Po. 
Lay the table in the withdrawing room.  Ad. 
I will sir, your honour can have no Larks I'll assure you.  Poll. 
And why?  Ad. 
Two Citizens sons and a Poet bought up all i'th' town, flung away the bodies only to have a pie made of the brains.  Enter Duke Ferneze disguised. Emi. 
A sign either they lacked brains, or else they did it because they would bear a brain.  Fer. 
T was told me that the young Lord Polymetes Was entered here.  Po. 
He that so told thee fellow told thee true.  Fer. 
I cry your Lordship mercy, let this letter  
Supply th'unwilling office of my tongue,  
And be the sad reporter of my news.  Poll. 
What ominous news can Polimetes daunt?  
Have we not Hyren here?  Fer. 
Ovid not all thy Metam Metamorphosis  
Can show such transformation, oh my God!  
It is not possible, (is this my son?)  
'a has mistook himself, my life 'a has,  
For the seven liberal sciences; 'a reads,  
The seven black deadly fins.  
Must you needs son turn over these linen leaves  
having such store of paper? this is miraculous.  Pol. 
News, news my hearts will make your jocund souls dance in your bosoms, now which joyful tongue amongst you all cries first God save the Duke? God save Duke Polymetes.  Iu. 
The news is not so happy.  Po. 
Tush look here.  Fer. 
My Lord I'm sorry for your heaviness.  Po. 
Thou shouldst have said so to a Porter that's heavy loaden.  
But come, sit, sit in council, let's devise  
How to spend all this countless mass of wealth,  
My father hath bequeathed me at his death,  
Quite from the popular and vulgar garb,  
We will be ode in all things, and retain  
No common humour in our large expense.  Fer. 
An honourable mind, and were your father  
Alive to note these hopeful parts in you,  
How would it move him and surprise his heart?  
But now my lord: my message being done,  
I must return i'm glad I have found your son.  Po. 
For thy good news take that along with thee,  
Look here Tris, would not these  (Exit Duke. 
Make notable statesmen? methinks state steals upon me.  Em. 
And I have known some steal state.  Pol. 
Then they came never truly by it as I do, but pergite porro, methinks I could make an indifferent careless Duke.  Iu. 
And I could make a notable Courtier, methinks I am begging already.  Pol. 
O mine Uncle would make an Excellent Court spaniel, he would sent out offices & concealed lands, a hundred mile of, and a were my cashier but twenty years, I durst change livings with him.  Emi. 
But what employment for Horatio?  Pol. 
O, he would make a good grumbling surly politician, thou shalt be my politician.  Ho. 
I shall never be loved.  Iu. 
Not loved, your reason?  Iul. 
I hate the base and rascal multitude,  
I cannot nod, ride barehead through the streets,  
Nor wreathe my body like a Cable Hatband  
To every peddler and mechanic Townsman,  
I hate the poor, am envious at the rich,  
Love none.  Pol. 
Yes, women.  Hor. 
Faith after a sort, I love a good smooth face.  Em. 
Then you love mine.  Hor. 
And forty more.  Pol. 
I muse you do not marry.  Hor. 
I would tonight, upon condition  
That I might bury her tomorrow, God Boy.  Pol. 
Fill him some wine.  Ho. 
I cannot drink, god boy.  Po. 
It is not poisoned.  Hor. 
Hum, I cannot tell,  
The Countess drunk and died.  Po. 
Come, come.  Hor. 
Farewell.  Pol. 
Still in the bags of Melancholy, pax on't, 'tis staler than Tobacco, not so much but the singing Cobbler is grown melancholy, and corrects shoes in humour, fie on't, come sit, we must talk about many matters, Rivo, I'll be singular, my Royal expense shall run such a circular course that the Rascal spawn of Imitators shall split their wooden brains, and sink their wealth in the Gulf of prodigality, and yet like a bad Archers shaft, fall sixscore short of their aim, my expense shall be royal and peculiar.  Em. 
I'll fashion you a course.  Po. 
Divinely, come.  Em. 
Divinely indeed, serve God, live honestly, relish not Atheism.  Pol. 
That's clean out of the fashion indeed.  Iul. 
Then good.  Pol. 
Because out of the fashion, set down that Adam  Ad. 
'tis done.  Iul. 
I have't my Lord, I have't i'faith.  Po 
Nay quickly, how?  Iul. 
we'll keep no Pages.  Po. 
Excellent, that's clean out of the fashion for Pages, that's good, that stands, down with it Adam.  Ad. 
'tis done sir.  Iul. 
we'll use no great Horses.  Pol. 
How shall we ride then?  Hor. 
On Mules and she Asses.  Em. 
Down with that Adam.  Pol. 
But, for my train, for a Page with Pages,  Em. 
Maintain a hundred Gallants at your heels,  
Live in the Country, entertain again  
Into the Court, long-banished hospitality,  
Who since the first great hose with Codpieces grew out of fashion near durst show his head.  Po. 
Another, set it down, i'll spend after forty pound a day, i'll see which of my chevril brained imitators dares follow my fashion: 'sblood I cannot drink Tobacco two days, but the third the Church wardens & sidemen are at it in the Alehouse in sermon time, I cannot wear a suit half a day but the tailor's journeyman creeps into't: I cannot keep a block private, but every citizen's son thrusts his head into it: I cannot keep a wench but every grand-juror's son in the Country imitates me, I care not if I make it petty treason for any man to kiss under ten pound a Kiss.  Ad. 
Oh my Lord, 'twill never pass i'th' the Lower-house, they will not lose their liberty of kissing.  Hor. 
Then keep a leash of Wenches.  Po. 
As common as cracking of nuts, not a servingman, but doth as much.  Iul. 
Fore-god I have't, peculiar I have't.  Pol. 
What be't julio?  Iul. 
Your honour shall keep no wenches at all.  Em. 
No wenches? what shall become of me then?  Pol. 
I must be round with you Tris, you must pack, many women they say are common, and i'll entertain nothing that savours of Community, I will not divulge.  Em. 
Nay, but hark you my Lord, though you maintain me, you do not lie with me, and I think that's the newer fashion.  Pol. 
Fore-god the newest of all, for there's not a gallant maintains his wench but 'a will lie with her, down with that Adam.  Ad. 
'tis done.  Enter joculo the Page. Ioc. 
My Lord my Lord, the Duke your father with a great train is coming.  Pol. 
From heaven or hell.  Ioc. 
That's more than I know, but by the faith of a page, or the word of a Gent. which you will, he is arrived and in great state entered the City.  Iu. 
Zounds where's the slave that brought the false report of his death?  Pol. 
But art sure 'tis my father?  Ioc. 
Or else your Mother did you the more wrong, shift for yourselves, for he is come.  Pol. 
My father alive and come home, heart a me what shift? come home & find the Court turned Alehouse Dicing-house, Dancing school, I am undone horse and foot.  Em. 
Some Rosa-solis or Aqua mirabilis ho, for our general coward's in a swoon.  Po. 
I know you are a hot shot in a featherbed Tris, but that will vot serve turn now, therefore fall off, the enemy is too strong, deed Tris, every Lamb to his fold, and coney to her Borough, for the old Fox is abroad no, wilt not be? why then God a mercies brain.  
Cedant arma togae, my gown and books boy, some sudden devise to keep him back half an hour, and win my good opinion for ever.  Ioc. 
And I do not, let me die of the bastinado.  Exeunt. Enter Duke Ferneze, Angelo, and other Nobles attendants. Duke. 
Lords, make a stand, I wonder that our Son glads not our wished arrival with his presence.  Ang. 
No doubt my Lord, his honourable care,  
Is not acquainted with your sudden landing.  Duk. 
We take it so, and whilst ourself in person  
inquire the cause, attend us in the Hall,  
Little thinks he his father is so near,  
But unexpected, i'll go startle him,  
And put his wit unto the present try all.  Enter joculo. Pag. 
where's the Prince?  Io. 
my most honoured Lord?  
In private conference with an English post.  Du. 
An English post?  Io. 
An English post my Lord: the effect of his letters I know, not but I heard him begin a most strange discourse.  Du. 
Of what I prithee?  Io. 
Please your honour take a turn or two, I shall relate (quickly my Lord) he reports there fell such an Inundation of waters in the month of july, about the third of dogdays, that the Oar and Scullers that use to work in the Thames, rowed over houses & landed their fairs in the middle I'll of Paul's.  Du. 
be't possible?  Io. 
Very easily possible ('sfoot quickly) and more the fishermen that rid between Dover and Calis, took red spurlin, and she Mackerel in the midst of the Exchange, which made mutton so cheap and stale, that it is thought the better half of the townsmen will run horn mad about it.  Du. 
It cannot be.  Io. 
Not be? why look you sir,  Du. 
Nay.  Io. 
But hear the conclusion, just on Saint Luke's day coming shall be a twelvemonth, Westminster & Winchester, drinking a quart of wine together on Salisbury-plain fell into hard words and strange terms, there was thou knave and I knave, and such foul words, as if tow young Barristers had been breathing their wits for a wager, ('sfoot make an end) now it was thought Westminster stood most upon his terms, yet in the end Winchester got one of his best terms from him spite on his teeth, which so vexed Westminster, that it grew to a deadly feud, which was so hotly pursued that the taking up of the matter cost many broken heads.  Du. 
How.  Ju. 
So sir, ('sfoot not done yet?) and had not Charing-Cross a tall bow legged Gent: taken up the matter, 'tis thought Westminster stones would have been too hot for some of them: and in parting the fray, Charing-Cross got such a box o'the ear, that he will carry it to his deathsday, some say a got a wry neck by parting the fray, marry Winchester says flatly, 'a got a crick in his neck, with looking westward for Termers.  Du. 
Thou shouldst have told me.  Iu. 
Of the English post: why look you my Lord, the post coming in post-haste to show his duty to the Prince, stumbled at a post that lay in his way and broke his sinister shank, and so I break of my discourse and bid your honour welcome home.  Exits Du. 
What a strange tale is here? of floods and hills of Charing-Cross, Terms, and I know not what? and when I looked for the conclusion.  
A breaks of all and leaves me in a Cloud.  Enter julio. Du. 
There is some trick in't, honoured julio?  Iu. 
Health to my Sovereign.  Du. 
How fares our Son?  
Have your inducements drawn him from his humour?  Iu. 
Faith my Lord I have done a child's part, and almost spent a child's part, to draw him to society, but 'tis labour lost.  Du. 
What is his business with the English post?  Iu. 
The English post my Lord? your grace is merry.  Du. 
His boy informed me a held conference,  
'bout serious matters with an English post.  Iu. 
Alas my Lord, the boy is lunatic.  Du. 
How lunatic? and afore god methought  
'a told a mad discourse, but th' occasion.  Iu. 
I tell you my Lord, coming a abruptly as your honour or any else may do to the PRINCE's chamber, about some ordinary service, a found him in his study, and a company of bottle-nosed Devils dancing the Irish hay about him, which on the sudden so startled the poor boy, as a clean lost his wits, and ever since talks thus idle, as your Excellence hath heard him  Du. 
But tell me doth my son converse with Devils?  Iu. 
As familiarly as you and I, they are his only company keepers, when a hath been dulled at his study, I have known a Devil and he play at tick-tack for Phillip's, by the whole day together.  Du. 
'tis passing strange, but may we without danger go near his study?  Iu. 
At your honours pleasure,  Discover Polymetes in his study. Iu. 
See where 'a sits, be Patient and observe.  Po. 
prevented still? now by Medusa's snakes,  
And black Erinys ever burning lamp,  
If all the skill in pyromantic rules,  
Deep Aeromancy, or the precious soul,  
Of Germanic spells and Characters  
graven in the surface of our mother earth,  
Can work this strange achievement,  Aug. 
How his brain sweats in pursuit of learning  Duk. 
Oh attend.  Poly. 
The first house is vulgarized, the Horoscope or Angle of the Orient, and his Ascendant betokeneth beginning of life, Merchandise, marriage and—  Duke. 
Let's break him off.  Iul. 
So please your excellence.  Pol. 
The second and third house, the third House is cadent from the Angle of the Orient, and Ascendant to the Angle Septentional, signifying Father's Sisters and Daughters absent and lost, Daughters and fathers lost: here then I find my demand, the Maid lost my Sister, thus than I proportion my figure, there I place my witnesses, and here my judge, and thus proceed to the Invocation.  Iul. 
Renowned Prince, Prince Polymetes, zounds Prince.  Pol. 
Discourteous julio, give my study leave.  Ju. 
Heart not a jot, the Duke your father.  Pol. 
I'll make my father joyful by my toil,  
Had not thy folly interrupted me,  
My hopes ere this had met their period.  Au. 
Your princely father.  Pol. 
O torment me not with his remembrance.  Iul. 
'Sblood he's safe returned.  Poly. 
O would a were, then should not Genoa's Crown,  
For want of strong supportance be priest down.  
Ist not enough, that like a harmless Prince  
Spending my hours in Contemplation,  
I let you hold the rains of government.  
Unfit for me, my father hath a deep  
And searching judgement that can brush and sweep  
such idle brained and antic Parasites,  
Forth of his presence, pray your absence,  Du. 
I can but smile to sue how Protheus like,  
They turn the shape of their discourse & project,  
Thinking to lead me in an idle maze,  
after their folly, well, I'll temporize,  
and note the issue, come my Lords let's in,  
His humour's grounded, and like subtle fire:  
The more suppressed, it mounts so much the hire.  Iu. 
Why so, this jest came smoothly of and was not soiled in the working  Exeunt. Po. 
That boy is worth his weight in pearl, dist mark what a tale of a Cock and a Bull, he told my father whilst I made thee and the rest away, by a bill of Conveyance at his back?  Iu. 
And I did simple Knights service in persuading the Duke the boy was lunatic.  Po. 
'twas admirable, doth not this jest deserve to be chronicled?  Iu. 
No by my troth, yet I must needs say, some as bad have been, for howsoever our practice pass currant with your father for the present, our villainies must needs break forth, they are so notorious and public.  Po. 
No matter let 'em, have not we brains? brains and they be well minced are sauce for any meat, let mine uncle turn Turxe and break forth, let the whole town turn cuckold and blow their horns in our disgrace, I have brains, let the Sun and the seven Stars be opposed, I have brains for that too my present wit shall give 'em all the lie in their throats, and may maintain it at pocket, dagger, and pistol when I have done.  Enter Horatio's page. Iu. 
A mourner boy? what solemn funeral,  
Hath hung that sable livery on thy back?  Pa. 
Her death my Lord that hath cut out the like,  
For both your honours, the Countess is deceased.  Pol. 
Then will my uncle be a heavy mourner.  
But how the manner of her death?  Pa. 
I'll tell your honour that hereafter and give you the ground of an admirable jest.  Pol. 
And we play not true moles and work it out of the ground, let me die of the green-sickness.  Iu. 
The ground then comes?  Pa. 
No I'll tell you that in private, the life of a jest thrives in the first revealing, it concerns the manner of your aunt's death and a law-trick of your uncle.  Pol. 
Come to the solemn rites, and weep at least those being ended we'll receive i' jest. Exeunt .Solemn Music to a funeral song the Hearse borne over the stage, Duke Lurdo, Polymetes, Angelo, julio, Horatio and mourners etc.  Exeunt. Manet Horatio. Ho. 
What is a man? heart o' the Devil mere fools,  
His rich invention, Machiavellian plots:  
Idle illusive antic fantasies.  
Apelles' grapes, I had as full a brain,  
Fertile invention and as forward hopes,  
As man could father, or his wit bring forth:  
Yet in a minute in bubbles age,  
The venomed fury of a bitter spleen,  
Confounded all, forgetful that I was,  
Women are moulded out of bashfulness:  
And must be drawn to kindness by degrees.  
All this I knew.  Enter Count. Lurdo. Lur. 
Neither the Law nor I,  
Know any reason why Horatio.  
But mum, Law-tricks as closely as I can,  
Mine ear shall drink his meditation.  Hor. 
Had she survived Time—  Lur. 
Might have found us out,  
Good, firm in Law, I am a fool to doubt,  
His constant secrecy.  Hor. 
But now she's dead.  Lur. 
The deepest wit could not have bettered,  
Our smooth conveyance, but upright and straight,  
Unknown, unseen, i'll work upon conceit.  Exit Hor. 
Had she been living, golden promises,  
The smooth Attorneys to a lovers tongue  
Might have in time solicited my suit,  
Gifts might have pleaded, mournful Elegies,  
Told her my passions, had she been composed  
Of steel or flint, nay, made of women's hearts,  
The most obdurate mettle, Time and Art,  
But she is dead, oh hell! and in her tomb.  
My hopes are buried.  Enter count Lurdo again. Lur. 
My conceited brain,  
Hath an odd crotchet called me back again.  Hor. 
To all these bad misfortunes should the corn use any tricks?  Lur. 
Ha? 'a talks of tricks,  
Of count and tricks, for tricks and count are twins.  Hor. 
Yet I regard not.  Lur. 
I am right and straight.  Hor. 
Say a complain?  Lur. 
Suppose he tell the Duke he gave the poison.  Hor. 
He contrived her death and cannot wrong me,  Lur. 
Fie, I fear him not,  
He doth but father, what my brain begot.  Exit. Ho. 
This comfort yet which many want I have,  
To follow my fair fortunes to the grave.  Exit  

ACTƲS quintus  Enter Horatios Page With a thieves lantern. Page. 
OH, shall I venture? ha, shall I enter?  
Shield me Apollo, the ground is so hollow  
That every step I tread upon it,  
Methinks it sings a dead man's Sonnet.  
Fates, oh Fates be honest Drabs,  
Fear gives me ten thousand stabs,  
I dare not further 'tis wilful murder,  
Thus late to tread the cloister vaults.  
For though i'm small, I have great men's faults,  
Then gentle Fates, take some remorse,  
I watch an honest, kind, quick course.  
Grant that no Hobgoblins fright me,  
No hungry devils rise up and bite me:  
No Urchin, Elves, or drunkards Ghosts,  
Shove me against walls or posts,  
O grant I may no black thing touch,  
Though many men love to meet such.  
But here's the tomb, my hopes sufficing,  
I watch a dainty Ducks uprising,  
Her cheeks now are chilly, as is the pale lily, (Roses)  
But when her eye uncloses, they'll look like two fair  Enter Horatio with a light. 
A light my master? or some sprite,  
Yet What need Devils have candlelight,  
'tis he, all hid, i'll not be seen,  
For once this tomb shall be my screen.  He hides himself. Hor. 
I cannot rest, my guilt keeps ope mine eyes.  
My passion rips my bosom, and my blood  
Is turned to poisoned water, and so swells,  
That my vexed soul, endures a thousand hells.  
If I chance slumber, than I dream of Serpents,  
Toads, altogether, and such venomous evils,  
As hale me from my sleep like forked Devils,  
Midnight, thou Aethiop, Empress of black souls,  
Thou general Bawd to the whole word, I salute thee,  
Wishing thy poison dropped upon my brain,  
For my so rude, so rash, so heedless murder,  
In the ambition & the height of lust,  
Not giving my blood liberty to cool.  
To poison such a beauty, O black Fate!  
Thus many killed, too soon repent too late.  
Soft, stay, this same's the chilly monument,  
That hugs her body in his marble arms.  
Thou gentle soul of my deceased love?  
O, wert but possible to enjoy thy voice,  
Thy sweet Harmonious voice, I should be blessed,  
But e'en to dally with thy syllables,  
O tomb.  Pa. 
No tomb but Cistern filled with tears.  Ho. 
O heart!  Pa. 
No heart, but sink of grief and fears.  Hor. 
Countess, soul shadow, shadow speak again  Pa. 
Speak again.  Ho. 
What should I speak, my hate, or thy huge wrongs?  Pa. 
huge wrongs.  Hor. 
huge wrongs indeed, but charitable soul,  
What ransom shall I pay thee for thy life?  Pa. 
Thy life.  Ho. 
My life?  Pa. 
ay, I life.  Ho. 
Discourteous air,  
My blood is frozen with despair.  Pag. 
Despair.  Hor. 
Pardon forgive me, shall I go?  Pa 
I go.  Hor. 
But shall your hate pursue me, I or no?  Pa. 
No.  Hor. 
Adieu my grief and i'll go sleep.  Pa. 
Pray God my tongue can my heart's counsel keep  Pa. 
Ha? are you vanished? let me see, 'a may be fallen asleep against some pillar, for i'll be sworn a talked very idly, about decessit evasit erupit, I would fain know that Wag that can put me down for a woman's Ghost extempore, especially if it were to be performed under a tomb cloth, but here lay the desperate venture, had she chanced to have risen, and spoke before her cue, as about this time she must 'tice, or my sleepy drink plays, the drowsy companion with her.  Enter Horatio again. 
Heart a me, my master again, what cross points are these? I see I must betake me to my late refuge.  Hor. 
It was no Ghost, subtle opinion,  
Working in man's decayed faculties,  
Cuts out and shapes illusive fantasies,  
And our weak apprehensions like wax,  
Receive thee from, and presently convey  
Unto our dull imagination.  
And hereupon we ground a thousand lies,  
As that we see Devils rattling their chains,  
Ghosts of dead men, variety of spirits,  
When our own guilty conscience is the hell.  
and our black thoughts, the Caverns where they dwell:  
Yet sure this was her shadow, for I hear  
Her last words sound still dancing in mine ear.  
Then gentle soul, if thou be'st yet unthroned,  
Answer one question and no more.  Page 
No more?  Hor. 
May my hearts true repentance satisfy,  
My wilful murder, your reply.  Pa. 
I.  Ho. 
Thanks, thousand thanks, and so farewell.  Po. 
Farewell.  Ho. 
The bane of murder is despair and hell.  Exit. Pa. 
Was ever poor little knave put to his last trumps as I am? what shall I do now? my heart goes pit a pat in my belly like a pair of washing beetles, should a return again now, as my hand to a Lobster-pie 'a will, all the Fat were in the fire, but hark 'tis one o'clock, and just about this minute she should play the wagtail and stir.  Count. 
What trance was this? where am I?  Pa. 
Oh she speaks, Fates and be good girls keep my master away, and let his man have a little sport with his mistress.  Count. 
What place is this? am I in heaven or no.  Pa. 
No.  Count. 
What voice is that? is this place earth?  Pa. 
Earth.  Count. 
Earth? how came I hither? do I live again?  Pa. 
Live again.  Count. 
What voice is that? a woman or some youth?  Pa. 
Youth.  Count. 
My fears will murder me, my powers are frighted.  Pa. 
alas poor stirring ghost art over sprighted.  Count. 
Boy.  Pa. 
mistress.  Count. 
Tell me.  Pa. 
all and more anon.  
The sleepy drink hath played the honest man,  Cou. 
What sleepy drink? how came I in this tomb?  Pa. 
I'll tell you that in a more private room,  
Away I'll tell you a strange wonder,  
Then winter lightning, or Christmas thunder,  
Then to my father's trip and go,  
Nimble prevention on't runs woe.  Exeunt. Enter Ferneze the Duke, Count, Lurdo, Angelo, Horatio and Adam with others attendant. Du. 
No more of mourning brother, we have laid  
Our timeless sorrows in a quiet grave,  
When men inter their comfort let them weep:  
Not when their crying charm is laid to sleep.  Lu. 
Great Duke mine eyes are not thus great with tears,  
For our griefs funeral, but that her shame,  
And future scandal will out live her name,  Du. 
Come let mirth kill it, and to your discourse,  
Is our son grown unto that height of riot  
Your speeches intimate.  Lu. 
I know the law, if I have wronged the Prince,  
I stand in compass of a praemunire,  
And he by writ of ad quod dampnum may,  
sue his recovery, I know the law.  Du. 
Nay his own letter partly grants as much,  
But note his subtle reason, here a writ's,  
That of set purpose a laid by himself,  
And played the part of a wild prodigal,  
Only to put your love unto the test,  
On which advantage to increase his wealth,  
You did endear him to society,  
Of careless wantons and light courtesans,  
Made secret vaults and cellars under ground.  Lu. 
Non tenet in bocardo I demur,  
Do but send out your iterum summoneas,  
Or capias vt legatum to attach,  
And bring him viva voce tongue to tongue,  
And vi & armis I'll revenge this wrong.  Du. 
Leave that to trial, here a further write,  
That by his skill and practise in black Art,  
He hath found out and by much toil redeemed,  
My daughter from the Turkish servitude.  Lo. 
redeemed your daughter! an apparent error,  
Which you by way of melius inquirendum.  
May soon discuse, he ran some home your daughter  
As sure as I made cellars under ground,  
Or played his pandar.  Du. 
How so ere it prove,  
I mean to try the utmost of his wit,  
To see how quaintly he can bear himself:  
But who comes here.  Enter Emilia. Ad. 
Marry my good Lord, this is the green burr, that stuck so close to the young PRINCE's sleeve, the shoemakers cutting knife, that fitted his boots to the prodigals last.  Lo. 
If I be Compos mentis, this is she,  
Must play your daughter's part, my Lord be ware,  
Work close cock sure, I see the gin the snare.  Em. 
Most reverend father.  Lo. 
Father? now it fits,  
Ware an old Fox, Duke I have brains I have wits.  Du. 
Immodest impudent and shameless girl,  
Is't not enough thou hast misled my son,  
And wrong his reputation?  Em. 
How wronged him father? I must needs say I have played Will with the wisp with my brother and have led him up and down the maze of good fellowship, till I have made his wit and his wealth both turn sick but for any other wrong, I appeal to himself, my uncle honest julio, where is 'a? and all the rest of this good Audience, therefore pray good father.  Du. 
Out of my sight, thou art no child of mine,  Em. 
You're the more beholding to some of your neighbours, tut man look on me well, here's your now ne nose, and thick kissing lip up and down, and my mother were living, she would never buss you more, till you confessed I were your daughter.  Du. 
What an audacious naughty pack is this?  
Have her before a justice, Adam.  Em. 
Do, with all my heart good father, send me to a justice, for a pretty woman with a smooth tongue and an angel's voice, can do much with justice in this golden age, but thus much afore I go, if justice will not provide me a better father, I'll have you, or I'll give the beadle of the ward a fee to cry, a new father a new, as they do oysters at Callais.  Exit. Du. 
Brother ere you acquainted with this woman?  Lo. 
I must needs say that at my nephew's suit,  
I gave her a month's lodging and her diet.  
But Nada veritate in bare truth,  
& bona side without circumstance,  
Splendente Sole the bright Sun near saw,  
A wench more capable of wit and law,  
And howsoe'er she is with beauty graced,  
I dare engage mine honour she is chaste,  Du. 
I give your words good credit, yet 'tis rare,  
to find a woman wanton, chaste and fair,  
But now unto my son, whose powerful art,  
Strives to ungive his sister's servitude.  Polimetes in his study. Pol. 
Thanks He eat, thou hast ensphered my hope  
In a gold circle, o were my father here,  
This fight would of his age bate twenty year.  Du. 
What sight my son.  Po. 
Lend me your watery eye,  
That swims in passion for my sister's loss,  
And in this book prospective, let it read,  
A pleasing lecture.  Du. 
I conceive two shapes.  
A civil merchant and a bewteous maid.  
Their pace is speedy and my slower eye,  
Cannot keep way with their celerity.  Po. 
That maid's my sister, whom on magic's wing,  
To this fair presence, my rich Art shall bring,  
Prepare to meet them, for this minute's age,  
sends with my charm their airy pilgrimage.  Enter julio like a Merchant, and joculo like a Lady. Iu. 
Where are are we now? how strangely were we borne  
Upon the pinions of the fleeting air,  
And where dismounted? unto what great Prince  
Christian or Pagan longs this mansion.  Io. 
Are we in any sociable place?  
Or in the Cell of some Magician,  
Who by his skill in hellish exorcisms,  
Made us his thrall?  Du. 
I can forbear no longer,  
Welcome thrice welcome.  Iu. 
Welcome?  Io. 
Whence?  Iu. 
To whom?  Du. 
to me.  Ang. to us. Du. 
Thy father.  Lu. 
and thy friends.  Io. 
do not beguile us, O Demetrio?  
We are betrayed, see the Magtiian,  
That by his cunning and strong working charms,  
Brought us unknown.  Du. 
Into thy father's arms,  
Welcome Emilia, with this ivory chain,  
I sphere my hopes and in thy bosom rain,  
These tears of comfort, then embrace thy friends.  
Thy Brother's Art all further difference ends.  Io. 
Your City.  Du. 
Genoa.  Io. 
And your reverend name.  Duk. 
Ferneze.  Io. 
Father.  Lur. 
Yes the very same,  
I do remember when she went to nurse,  
What a cursed vixen 'twas s, but now she's grown.  Io. 
Not past all goodness, yet I hope sir: but i'faith Brother was't you that brought us from Turkey a cockhorse? and your Genoan hackney be so quick paced you shall have more of our Custom.  Duke. 
Lay by discourse, what Gentleman is that comes uninvited to our feast of joy.  Ioc. 
Pray welcome him father, he's a Genoan merchant, that with much suit ransomed me from the Turk.  Duk. 
My hopes redeemer welcome, but proceed  
Unto the doubtful fortunes of my child:  
'twas told me she was stolen from Monta sancta.  Iul. 
You help my memory, thence she was stolen,  
And for her beauty, chosen Concubine  
To the lascivious Turk, but by much suit,  
And meditation of some special friends,  
I bought her freedom with a thousand marks.  Duk. 
Which we'll repay with ample interest,  
Once more we'll bid you welcome, and to set  
A smother gloss upon our merriment,  
There's a quick Wench that only lives by wit,  
Who understanding I had lost my Daughter,  
Borrowed thy habit, and Usurps thy name,  
One call her in, now Daughter make thee sit,  
To combat and dismount her active wit.  Exit. Adim Lur. 
A perilous Girl, her wits a mere Snaphance,  
goes with a fire lock, she strikes fire from stones,  
She knows the Law too, a mere murdering piece,  
Fight low, lock close, she speaks mere, lightning Niece.  Enter Adam with Emilia. Em 
How now father, have you put on your considering Cap, and bethought you? or shall I proceed and traverse my writ of errors?  Lur. 
Ha, writ of errors? law-tricks, words of Art Demurs and quillets.  Em. 
All not worth a pin, will you bethink you father?  Du. 
I have bethought me, and to let thee see,  
The true proportion of thy impudence,  
Behold my Daughter, whom thou personatest.  Em. 
How, your Daughter?  Ioc. 
Yes minks, his Daughter.  Lur. 
My niece, and I will make it good.  Em. 
Pretty i'faith, have ye any more of these tricks? I may be outfaced of myself with a Card often, but i'faith Uncle, the best knave i'th' bunch, nor all the law in your Budget cannot do't, & as for you Sisley bumtrinkets, i'll have about with you at the single Stackado are you a woman?  Io. 
No.  Em. 
What then?  Io. 
A Maid.  Iu. 
If his tongue falter, all our plots bewrayed.  Em. 
If a true maid, lend a true maid your hand.  Ioc. 
Both hand and heart  Em. 
The like of me command,  
Now I conjure thee by the love  
You bear Diane's silent Grove,  
By Cupid's bow, and go den arrow,  
Venus' Dove, and chirping Sparrow,  
By all those vows, the listening winds,  
Hear when Maids unclasp their minds.  
By those sweet oaths men use in bed,  
Besieging of a Maiden head.  
I do conjure you fore these Lords,  
To answer truly to my words.  Io. 
By these and more, by all the scapes  
Of amorous jove and Phoebus rapes,  
By lovers sweet, and secret meetings,  
Hand embracings and lip-greetings,  
I promise you before these Lords,  
To answer truly to your words.  Em. 
Where were you borne?  Ioc. 
In Genoa.  Em, 
Your name?  Ioc. 
Emilia.  Em. 
Lie not.  Ioc. 
'twere open shame  
to lie before so many.  Em. 
In what Art were you instructed?  Ioc. 
That's not in my part.  Po. 
Say music.  Em. 
Quickly.  Io. 
I was taught to sing,  
Unto the Lute, and Court each amorous string  
With a soft finger.  Em. 
Good, how many springs  
Lived you in Monta Santa?  Ioc. 
Zounds this stings.  Em. 
How many?  Iul. 
Nine.  Po. 
Zounds ten.  Io. 
Ten fops.  Fm. 
Nay quick  Ioc. 
Twixt nine and ten.  Duke. 
Right, answer.  Iul. 
I'the nick.  Em. 
Your age?  Io. 
What?  Iul. 
Any thing.  Em. 
Come, fie, you linger.  Io. 
I am just as old.  Em. 
As what?  Io. 
my little finger.  Em. 
You dally  Iu. 
sixteen.  Po. 
eighteen.  Io. 
eighteen fools,  Du. 
Nay and you prompt we'll hiss you forth the schools.  Em. 
Come your reply, nay quick your certain age,  Io. 
I am just as old as— true Emila's page.  Du. 
A page?  An. 
Disguised?  Ad. 
Wrapped in a woman's smock?  Io. 
I'm in a wood.  Em. 
And I can spring a cock,  In. 
Woodcock of our side:  Em. 
And you bill so fair,  
Make a clear glade, I'll single forth a pair.  Po. 
Fie her wit scalds.  Lur. 
We shall have change of weather.  Iul. 
Cocks of one hen, come prince, let's hold together.  Em. 
I thought we should find a Counterfeit of you  Io. 
Then nail me to your lips with a kiss, and make me currant payment.  Du. 
What, young Orlando? how does Charingcross?  
Is Westminster yet friends with Winchester?  Po. 
Zounds julio now.  Jo. 
Alas my Lord, it was a mere device to—  Iul. 
Make your Highness merry, when I heard  
You were returned without your wished Adventure.  Du. 
Oh Master Merchant, you adventured well,  
To cheat yourself thus of a thousand marks,  Em. 
How now my Lord?  Lur. 
Nay, i'll but see your breast, mine eyes desire,  
No lower object.  Em. 
Go to, read your errors.  Lur. 
I cannot now return, non est inventa,  
Brother embrace your child, your second heir,  
I found firm witness in her bosom bare.  Du. 
Art thou Emilia?  Em. 
Emelia, your Daughter, once a Turkish prisoner  Du. 
Receive a joyful blessing rise and say,  
What wit or power freed thee.  Em. 
Dear father, the manner both of my enlarging and captiving i'll relate, when more convenient time and place shall incite me, but upon this occasion, pray give me leave to put my brother beside his melancholy  Du. 
I prithee do so.  Em. 
Why how now Student? grand Magician,  
Puritan, come, you never played the Wag,  
You know not winefride's hem, nor the Count's vault.  Du. 
A'mort man? what, can Polymetes daunt?  
Hath 'a not Hyren here?  Po. 
Zounds all will out, brains—  Du. 
Now for a hundred dozen of Larks to make a pie of the brains.  Po. 
Well, done it was, and out it must.  Duke 
Why how now Polymetes in a dump?  
Where's your Venetian Merchant and your Sister?  Po. 
Who? Emilia? why look you here father, do you think I knew her not? ask the Boy and julio, do you think I would have maintained her as I did but only for affinities sake? what said I at first Nuncle? did I not urge affinities? and you would see me hanged say and I did not urge affinity?  Em. 
And yet you pleaded hard for a night's lodging  Poly. 
Only to try thy honesty by this Element, ask my uncle else?  Enter Horatio's Page and Whisper with Polimetes. Em. 
he's a sweet womanist.  Lur, 
No more a that, niece you're a wag.  Em. 
Well said old water Rat,  
But that my brother conjuror should fail,  
In the black Art.—  Lu. 
In the black Pudding: pish,  
Of all arts else, only the law is firm.  Em. 
And yet that danceth changes every Term.  Po. 
Well jest on gallants, and uncle, you that make a pish at the black Art, my books to the piece of Arras, where Venus and Adonis stood kissing and the cuckoldly pandar Vulcan watched them, and all your by ways to boot, I raise up my Aunt your late wife in the same proportion, habit and gesture, she usually wore in her life time.  Du. 
Do that, I'll swear there's virtue in thy Art.  Po. 
And if I do not, say Philosophy is foolery, Logic legerdemain, and Conjuring mere cony-catching, as indeed it is.  
And now by virtue of this wand,  
Each in his circle keep his stand,  
Now Belioll and Astaroth,  
Sole commanders of the North,  
By Hecate's head, Erinys' snakes,  
Styx and all infernal Lakes,  
I charge you kneel to Proserpine,  
And by her licence all divine  
Dismiss the Countess from those shades,  
Where pleasure springs and never fades.  
Festina, cito, citius, come  
free Tenant of Elysium.  Enter Countess, she writes a little, throws down the paper and departs. Du. 
The Count look, pale.  Ang. 
why starts Horatio?  Lu.. 
What writ the shadow?  Po. 
That, these lines will show,  
Horatio, base Horatio poisoned me,  
I was your sister, right mine injury.  Du. 
Horatio?  Lu. 
Yes, Horatio poisoned her  
Revenge it Duke be a true Justicer.  Du. 
Revenged I will, degenerous homicide,  
What reason led thee to so damned a deed?  Hor. 
I loved her, wood her, my hot love denied  
changed into hate, I poisoned her, she died.  Du. 
Sounds this like truth.  Ho. 
And if you think I lie,  
Ask Lurdo, his damned tongue will answer I.  Duk. 
Had he a hand in't?  Lur. 
No, I will demur.  Ad. 
Revenge it Duke, be a true justicer.  Lur. 
He gave the poison.  Hor. 
And you laid the plot  Ad. 
Knit up two villains in one riding knot.  Poly. 
What quillet now?  Iul. 
At non plus.  Em. 
Senseless, mute?  
Silence cries guilty, 'a lets fall the suit.  Lur. Hor. 
Our sentence guilty,  Duke 
Then be this your doom,  
You shall be closed alive in her dead tomb.  Ang. 
Urge a reprieve:  Lur. 
Our punishment defer,  Du. 
No, we must be an upright justicer;  
To the execution.  Hor. 
Do, the world shall prove  
My heart's as bold to die as 'twas to love.  Lur. 
by’r lady so is not mine, i'd give my goods,  
For a good habeas Corpus, to remove me  
Into another Country.  Du. 
Leave demurs,  
Close them into that grave, that dead man's Inn,  
Pity true virtue should be lodged with sin.  Hor. 
Make room dear Madam, law this leave doth give  
To die by thee with whom I could not live,  Lur. 
And wronged Countess though I hated thee,  
I come to take my latest sleep with thee.  Countess in the Tomb. Cou. 
Kind thou art welcome, and shalt ever have,  
My arms thy winding sheet, my breast thy grave.  Du. 
Sister?  Po. 
Aunt?  Em. 
Madam?  Lur. 
My much wronged wife?  Cou. 
justice great Duke, give me my husband's life,  
Both his and his, if your demand be why,  
See she survives for whose death they should die.  Du. 
Alive.  Lur. 
Unblemished.  Hor. 
'Sblood I gave her poison.  Pa. 
I could tell your honour a tale in your ear to the contrary, I must needs say your will was good, but my father being your drug-seller, instead of a deadly poison, gave you a sleepy potion, do you remember the Echo at the tomb? though I played the knave with you, I did like an honest man with her.  Lur. 
Thou did indeed, and i'll requite thee well.  Pol. 
How now Uncle? what think you of Scholarship now?  Lur. 
As of the law, good as it may be used,  
But to my wife.  Duke. 
Brother, i'll speak your part,  
Receive her, love, and lodge her in your heart.  Lur. 
Nocte dieque.  Hor. 
What shall I do then?  Du. 
justice shall merce thee, and by our command  
We banish thee the Court, though not our Land,  
Your course is virtuous, let your honour grow  
Till age hath clothed you in a rob of snow.  
Lastly, thy merit is not trivial,  
That turned to mirth a Scene so tragical.   

Epilogue.  

Who would have thought, such strange events should fall  
Into a course so smooth and comical?  
Who would have thought such treachery could rest,  
In such a smooth and virtuous seeming breast?  
Who would have thought a bud of this young growth,  
Should out of present wit o'erreach us both?  
And to conclude, who would have thought the ear  
Of your mild patience would so gently bear  
With these our weak deserts? which if they please you ought  
'tis less than we desire, more than we thought.   
FINIS.