THE GULLS Hornbook: Stuliorum plena junt omnia.  
Al Sauio meza parola, Basta.  
By T. Deckar.  
Imprinted at London for R. S. 1609.   

To all Gulls in general, wealth and Liberty.  
WHOM can I choose (my most worthy Mecaen-asses) to be Patrons to this labour of mine fitter than yourselves? your hands are ever open, your purses never shut. So that you stand not in the Common Rank of Dry-fisted Patrons, (who give nothing) for you give all. scholars therefore are as much beholden to you, as Vintners, Players and Punks are. Those three trades gain by you more than Usurers do by thirty in the hundred: You spend the wines of the one, you make suppers for the other, and change your Gold into White-money with the third. Who is more liberal than you? who (but only Citizens) are more free? Blame me not therefore if I pick you out from the bunch of Booke-takers, to consecrate these fruits of my brain (which shall never die) only to you. I know that most of you (O admirable Gulls!) can neither write nor read. A Hornbook have I invented, because I would have you well schooled. Paul's is your Walk; but this your Guide: if it lead you right, thank me: if astray, men will bear with your errors, because you are Guls. Farewell.  
T. D.   

To the Reader.  
GEntle Reader, I could willingly be content that thou shouldest neither be at cost to buy this book, nor at the labour to read it. It is not my ambition to be a man in Print, thus every Term; Ad praelum, tanquàm ad praelium; We should come to the Press as we come to the Field (seldom.) This Tree of Gulls was planted long since, but not taking root, could never bear till now. It hath a relish of Grobianisme, and tastes very strongly of it in the beginning. The reason thereof is, that having translated many Books of that into English Verse, and not greatly liking the Subject, I altered the Shape, and of a Dutchman, fashioned a mere Englishman, it is a Table wherein are drawn sundry Pictures: the callors are fresh: if they be well laid on, I think my workmanship well bestowed: if ill, so much the better, because I draw the pictures only of Guls.  
T. D.   

The Chapters contained in this Book.  

CHAP. 1. The old world and the new weighed together: The Tailors of those times and these compared: The apparel & diet of our first fathers.  
CHAP. 2. How a young Gallant shall not only keep his Clothes (which many of them can hardly do) from Brokers; but also have the charges of taking physic, with other rules for the morning: The praise of sleep, and of going naked.  
CHAP. 3. How a Gallant should warm himself by the fire: How attire himself: Description of a man's head: The praise of long hair.  
CHAP. 4. How a Gallant should behave himself in Powles-Walkes.  
CHAP. 5. How a Gallant should behave himself in an Ordinary.  
CHAP. 6. How a Gallant should behave himself in a Playhouse.  
CHAP. 7. How a Gallant should behave himself in a Tavern.  
CHAP. 8. How a Gallant is to behave himself passing through the City at all hours of the night: and how to pass by any Watch.    


The Gulls Hornbook: OR Fashions to please all sorts of Guls.  
Pr●aemium.  
I Sing (like the Cuckoo in june) to be laughed at: if therefore I make a scurvy noise, and that my tunes sound unmusically (the Ditty being altogether lame in respect of the bad feet, and unhandsome in regard of the worm-eaten fashion) you that have authority under the broad seal of mouldy custom, to be called the Gentle Audience, set your goodly great hands to my pardon: or else because I scorn to be upbraided that I profess to instruct others in an Art, whereof I myself am ignorant, Do your worst: choose whether you will let my notes have you by the ears or no: hiss or give plaudities, I care not a nutshell which of either: you can neither shake our Comic Theatre with your stinking breath of hisses, nor raise it with the thunder claps of your hands: up it goes in Despetto del fato: the motley is bought, & a coat with four elbows (for any one that will wear it) is put to making in defiance of the seven wise masters: for I have smelled out of the musty sheeets of an old Almanac, that (at one time or other) even he that jets upon the neatest and sprucest leather, even he that talks all Adage & apothegm, even he that will not have a wrinkle in his new Satin suit, though his mind be uglier than his face, and his face so ill favouredly made, that he looks at all times as if a tooth-drawer were fumbling about his gums with a thousand lame Heteroclites more, that cozen the world with a guilt spur, and a ruffled boot, will be all glad to fit themselves in Will Somme● his wardrobe, and be driven (like a Flemish Hoy in foul weather) to slip into our School, and take out a lesson. Tush, Caelum p●timus stultitia, all that are chosen Constables for their wit go not to heaven.  
A fig therefore for the new found College of Critics. You Courtiers that do nothing but sing the Gamuth-Are of complemental courtesy, and at the rustical behaviour of our Country Muse, will screw forth worse faces than those which God and the Painter has bestowed upon you, I defy your perfumed scorn: and vow to poison your Musk cats, if their civet excrement do but once play with my nose. You ordinary Gulls, that through a poor and silly ambition to be thought you inherit the revenues of extraordinary wit will spend your shallow censure upon the most elaborate Poem, so lavishly, that all the painted table-men about you, take you to be heirs apparent to rich Midasle, that had more skill in Alchemy, than Kelly with the Philosophers stone: (for all that he could lay his fingers on, turned into heaten gold) dry Tobacco with my leaves (you good dry brained Polipragmonists) till your pipe offices smoke with your pitifully stinking girds shot out against me. I conjure you (as you come of the right Goose-caps) stain not your house; but when at a new play you take up the twelvepenny room next the stage, (because the Lords & you may seem to be hail fellow well met) there draw forth this book, read aloud, laugh aloud, and play the Antics, that all the garlic mouthed stinkards may cry out, Away with the Fool: As for thee Zoilus, go hang thyself: and for thee Momus chew nothing but hemlock, & spit nothing but the syrup of Aloes upon my papers, till thy very rotten lungs come forth for anger. I am Snake-proofe: and though with Hannibal you bring whole hogsheads of vinegar railings, it is impossible for you to quench or come over my Alpine-resolution: I will sail boldly and desperately alongst the shore of the I'll of Gulls: & in defiance of those terrible blockhouses their loggerheads, make a true discovery of their wild (yet habitable) Country.  
Sound an alarum therefore (O thou my courageous Muse) and like a Dutch crier make proclamation with thy Drum: the effect of thine O-yes, being, That if any man, woman, or child, be he Lord, be he Lowne, be he Courtier, be he Carter, of the inns a Court, or Inns of City, that hating from the bottom of his heart, all good manners and generous education, is really in love, or rather dotes on that excellent country Lady, Innocent simplicity, being the first, fairest, and chiefest Chambermaid that our great Grandam Eve, entertained into service: Or if any person aforesaid longing to make a voyage in the ship of Fools, would venture all the wit that his mother left him, to live in the country of Gulls, Cockneyes, and Coxcombs; to the intent that haunting theatres, he may fit there like a popiniay, only to learn Play-spéeches, which afterward may furnish the necessity of his bare knowledge, to maintain table talk, or else heating Taverns, desires to take the Bacchanalian degrees, and to wait himself in Art bibendi magister: that at ordinaries would sit like Bias, and in the streets walk like a braggart, that on foot longs to go like a French Lacque, and on horseback rides like an English Tailor, or that from seven years and upward, till his dying day, has a months mind to have the Gulls Hornbook by heart, by which in time he may be promoted to serve any Lord in Europe, as his crafty Fool or his bawdy jester, yea and to be so dear to his Lordship, as for the excellency of his fooling, to be admitted both to ride in Coach with him, and to lie at his very feet on a truckle-bed. Let all such (and I hope the world has not left her old fashions. but there are ten thousand such) repair hither. Never knock, you that strive to be Ninnihammer) but with your feet spurn open the door and enter into our School: you shall not need to buy books, no, scorn to distinguish a B from a battle door, only look that your ears be long enough to reach our Rudiments, and you are made for ever. It is by heart that I would have you to con my lessons, and therefore be sure to have most devouring stomachs. Nor be you terrified with an opinion that our Rules be hard and indigestible, or that you shall never be good Graduates in these rare sciences of Barbarism, and Idiotism: Oh fie upon any man that carries that ungodly mind! Tush, tush, Tarleton, Kemp, nor Singer, nor all the litter of Fools that now come drawling behind them, never played the Clowns more naturally than the arrantest Sot of you all, shall, if he will but boil my Instructions in his brainpan.  
And lest I myself, like some Pedantical Vicar, stammering out a most false and cracked latin oration to maiester Mayor of the town, and his brethren, should cough and hem in my deliveries, by which means you (my Auditors) should be in danger to depart more like woodcocks then when you came to me: O thou venerable father of ancient (and therefore hoary) customs, Sylvanus, I invoke thy assistance; thou that first taughtest Carters to wear hobnails, and Lob's to play Christmas gambols, and to show the most beastly horse-tricks: O do thou, or (if thou art not at leisure) let thy Mountebank goat-footed Fauni, inspire me, with the knowledge of all those silly and ridiculous fashions, which the old dunstical world wore even out at elbows: draw for me the pictures of the most simple fellows then living, that by their patterns I may paint the like. Awake thou noblest drunkard Bacchus, thou must likewise stand to me (if at least thou canst for reeling) teach me (you sovereign Skinker) how to take the Germanies upsy freeze; the Danish Rowsa, the Swissers stoap of Rhenish, the Italians Parmizant: the englishman's healths, his hoops, cans, half cans, Gloves, frolics and flap dragons, together with the most notorious qualities of the truest tosspots, as when to cast, when to quarrel, when to fight, and where to sleep: hide not a drop of thy moist mystery from me, (thou plumpest swil-bowle) but (like an honest red-nosed wine bibber) lay open all thy secrets & the mystical hierogliphic of Rashers ath coals, Modicums & shoeing horns, and why they were invented, for what occupations, and when to be used. Thirdly (because I will have more than two strings to my bow) Comus, thou Clerk of Gluttonies' Kitchen, do thou also bid me proface, and let me not rise from table, till I am perfect in all the general rules of Epicures and Cormorants. Fatten thou my brains that I may feed others, and teach them both how to squat down to their meat, and how to munch, so like Loobies, that the wisest Solon in the world shall not be able to take them for any other. If there be any strength in thee, thou beggarly monarch of Indians, and setter-up of rotten-lungd chimney-swéepers (Tobacco) I beg it at thy smoky hands: make me thine adopted heir, that inheriting the virtues of thy whiffs, I may distribute them amongst all nations, and make the fantastic Englishmen (above the rest) more cunning in the distinction of thy Roll Trinidado, leaf and Pudding, than the whitest toothed Blackamoor in all Asia. After thy pipe, shall ten thousands be taught to dance, if thou wilt but discover to me the sweetness of thy snuffs, with the manner of spawling, slavering, spitting and drivelling in all places, and before all persons. Oh what songs will I charm out in praise of those valiantly-strong-stinking breaths. which are easily purchased at thy hands, if I can but get thee to travel through my nose. All the fohs in the fairest Ladies mouth that ever kissed Lord, shall not fright me from thy brown presence: for thou art humble, and from the Courts of Princes hast vouchsafed to be acquainted with penny galleries, and (like a goodfellow) to be drunk for company, with watermen, Carmen and Colliers, whereas before, and so still, Knights and wis● Gentlemen were, & are thy companions. Last of all, thou Lady of Clowns and Carters, Schoolemistres of fools and wiseacres, thou hemely (but harmless) Rusticity, Oh breath thy dull and dunstical spirit into our ganders quill; crown me thy Poet, not with a garland of Bays, (oh no! the number of those that steals Lawret is too monstrous already) but swaddle thou my brows with those unhandsome boughs, which (like Autums rotten hair) hang dangling over thy dusty eyelids. Help me (thou midwife of unmannerliness) to be delivered of this Embryon that lies tumbling in my brain: direct me in this hard and dangerous voyage, that being safely arrived on the desired shore, I may build up Altars to to thy Unmatchable Rudeness: the excellency whereof I know will be so great, that Grout-nowles and Moames will in swans fly buzzing about thee. So Herculean a labour is this that I undertake, that I am enforced to ball out for all your succours, to the intent I may aptly furnish this feast of Fools, unto which I solemnly invite all the world: for at it shall sit not only those whom Fortune favours, but even those whose wits are naturally their own. Yet because your artificial Fools bear away the bell, all our best workmanship (at this time) shall be spent to fashion such a Creature.   

CHAP. I. The old world & the new weighed together: T the Tailors of those times and these compared: The apparel and diet of our first fathers.  
GOOD clothes are the embroidered trappings of pride, and good cheer the very Eringo-roote of gluttony: so that fine backs, and fat bellies are Coach-horses to two of the seven deadly sins: In the boots of which Coach, Lechery and Sloth fit like the waiting-maide. In a most desperate state therefore do Tailors and Cooks stand by means of their offices, for both those trades are Apple-squices, to that couple of sins. The one invents more fantastic fashions, than France hath worn since her first stone was laid: the other more likerish Epucurean dishes, than were ever served up to Gallonius table. Did man (think you) come wrangling into the world, about no better matters, than all his life time to make privy searches in Bucch●n-law for Whale-bone doublets, or for pies of Nightingale tongues in Heliogabalus his kitchen? No▪ no, the first suit of apparel that ever mortal man put on, came neither from the Mercer's shop, nor the Merchant's warehouse: Adam's bill would have been taken then sooner than a Knight's bond now, yet was he great in no bodies books for satin and velvets: the silk-wormes had something else to do in those days then to set up looms and be free of the weavers, his breeches were not so much worth as K. Stephens▪ that cost but a poor noble: for Adam▪ holiday hose and doublet were of no better stuff then plain fig leaves, and eves best gown of the same piece, there went but a pair of shears between them. An Antiquary in this town, has yet some of the powder of those leaves dried to show. tailors then were none of the twelve Companies: their Hall that now is larger than some Dorpes among the Netherlands, was then no bigger than a Dutch Butcher's shop● they durst not strike down their customers with large hills: Adam cared not an apple-paring for all their lousy hems. There was then neither the Spanish slop, nor the Skippers galligas●●: the Swissers blistered Codpiece, nor the Danish sleeve, sagging down like a Welsh wallet, the Italians close strosser, nor the French standing collar: your trebble-quadruple Daedalian ruffs, nor your stiff necked Rebates (that have more arches for pride to row under, then can stand under five London Bridges) durst not then set themselves out in print: for the patent for starch could by no means be signed. Fashions than was counted a disease, and horses died of it: But now (thanks to folly) it is held the only rare physic, and the purest golden Asses live upon it.  
As for the diet of that Saturnian age, it was like their attire, homely: A salad, and a mess of leek porridge, was a dinner for a far greater man than ever the Turk was: Potato-pies and Custards, stood like the sinful suburbs of Cookery, and had not a wall (so much as a handful high) built round about them. There were no daggers then, nor no Chairs crooks his ordinary in those parsimonious days, had not a Capon's leg to throw at a dog. Oh golden world, the suspicious Venetian carved not his meat with a silver pitch fork: neither did the sweet toothed Englishman shift a dozen of trenchers at one meal. Peirs ploughman laid the cloth, and Simplicity brought in the voider. How wonderfully is the world altered? and no marvel, for it has lain sick almost five thousand years: So that it is no more like the old Theatre du munde then old Paris garden is like the King's garden at Paris.  
What an excellent workman therefore were he that could cast the Globe of it into a new mould: And not to make it look like Mullineux his Globe with arownd face sleekt and washed over with whites of eggs; but to have it in Plano, as it was at first, with all the ancient circles, lines, parallels and figures, representing indeed, all the wrinkles, cracks, crevices and flaws that (like the Mole on Heartens cheek, being os amoris) stuck upon it at the first creation, and made it look most lovely; but now those surrowes are filled up with Ceruse and vermilion, yet all will not do, it appears more ugly. Come, come, it would be but a bald world, but that it wears a periwig. The body of it is fowl (like a birding-piece) by being too much heated: the breath of it stinks like the mouths of Chambermaids by feeding on so many sweet meats. And though to purge it will be a sorer labour than the cleansing of augea's stable, or the scouring of More-ditch: yet Ille ego, qui quondam, I am the Pasquilles madcap, that will do't.  
Draw near therefore all you that love to walk upon single and simple souls, and that with to keep company with none but Innocents', and the sons of civil Citizens, out with your tables, and nail your ears, (as it were to the pillary) to the Music of our instructions: nor let the title Gullery, fright you from school: for mark what an excellent ladder you are to climb by. How many worthy, and men of famous memory (for their learning of all offices, from the scavenger and so upward) have flourished in London, of the ancient family of the Wiseacres, being now no better esteemed then fools and younger brothers? This gear must be looked into, lest in time (O lamentable time when that hourglass is turned up) a rich man's son shall no sooner peep out of the shell of his minority, but he shall strait ways be begged for a concealment, or set upon (as it were by freebooters) and ta'en in his own purse-nets by fencers and coney-catchers. To drive which pestilent infection from the heart, here's a medicine more potent and more precious than was ever that mingle mangle of drugs which Mithrydates boiled together. Fear not to taste it, a caudle will not go down half so smoothly as this will: you need not call the honest name of it in question, for Antiquity puts off his cap, and makes a bare oration in praise of the virtues of it: the Receipt hath been subscribed unto, by all those that have had to do with Simples with this motheaten Motto, Probatum est: your Diacatholicon aureum, that with gunpowder brings threatens, to blow up all diseases that come in his way, & smells worse than Assa soetida in respect of this. You therefore whose bodies either overflowing with the corrupt humours of this age's fantasticness, or else being burnt up with the inflammation of upstart fashions, would fain be purged: and to show that you truly loathe this polluted and mangy-fisted world, turn Pimonists, not caring either for men or their manners; do you pledge me: spare not to ●ake a deep draft of our homely council: the cup is full, and so ●rge, that I boldly drink a health unto all comers.   

CHAP. II. How a young Gallant shall not only keep his clothes (which many of them can hardly do for Brokers) but also save the charges of taking physic: with other rules for the morning. The praise of Sleep and of going naked.  
YOU have heard all this while nothing but the Prologue, and seen no more but a dumb show: Our Vetus Comaedia steps out now. The fittest stay, upon which you (that study to be an Actor there) are first to present yourself, is in my approved judgement) the softest and largest Downbed: from whence (if you will but take sound council of your pillow) you shall never rise till you hear it ring noon at least. Sleep in the name of Morpheus your belly full, or (rather) sleep till you hear your belly grombies and waxeth empty. Care not for those course painted cloth rhymes, made by the University of Salerne, that come over you, with 
S● brevis, aut nullus; tibi somnus meridianus.  
Short let thy sleep at noon be,  
Or rather let it none be.   
Sweet candied council, but there's ratsbane under it: trust never a Bachelor of Art of them all, for he speaks your health fair but to steal away the maidenhead of it: Salerne stands in the luxurious country of Naples, and who knows not that the Neapolitan, will (like Derick the hangman) embrace you with one arm, and rip your guts with the other? there's not a hair in his Mustachoo, but if he kiss you; will stab you through the cheeks like a penyard: the slave to be avenged on his enemy, will drink off a pint of poison himself, so the he may be sure to have the other pledge him but half so much: And it may be that upon some secret grudge to work the general destruction of all mankind, those verses were composed. Physicians I know (and none else) took up the bucklers in their defence, railing bitterly upon that venerable and princely custom of Long lying a bed: Yet now I remember me, I cannot blame them: for they which want sleep (which is man's natural rest become either mere Naturals, or else fall into the Doctor's hands, and so consequently into the Lords: whereas he that snorts profoundly scorns to let Hypocrates himself stand tooting on his Urinal: and thereby saves that charges of a groatsworth of Physic: And happy is that man that saves it: for physic is, Non minus venefica, quam benefica, it hath an ounce of gall in it, for every dram of honey. Ten Tyburnes cannot turn men over the perch so fast as one of these brewers of purgations: the very nerves of their practice, being nothing but Ars Homicidiorum, an Art to make poor souls kick up their heels. In so much that even their sick grunting patients, stand in more danger of M. Doctor and his drugs▪ then of all the Cannon shots which the desperate disease itself can discharge against them. Send them packing therefore to walk like Italian Mountebanks, beat not your brains to understand their parcell-gréeke, parcell-latine gibberish: let not all their sophistical buzzing into your ears, nor their Satirical canvasing of featherbeds and tossing men out of their warm blanckers, awake you till the hour that here is prescribed.  
For do but consider what an excellent thing sleep is: It is so inestimable a jewel, that if a Tyrant would give his crown for an hours slumber, it cannot be bought: of so beautiful a shape is it, that though a man lie with an Empress, his heart can not be at quiet, till he leaves her embracements to be at rest with the other: yea so greatly indebted are we to this kinsman of death, that we owe the better tributary, half of our life to him: and there's good cause why we should do so: for sleep is that golden chain that ties health and our bodies together. Who complains of want? of wounds? of cares? of great men's oppressions? of captivity? whilst he sleepeth? Beggars in their beds take as much pleasure as Kings: can we therefore surfeit on this delicate Ambrosia? can we drink too much of that whereof to taste too little, tumbles us into a Churchyard, and to use it but indifferently, throws us into Bedlam? No, no, look upon Endymion, the moons Minion, who stepped threescore & fifteen years and was not a hair the worse for it. Can lying abed till noon then (being not the threescore and fifteenth thousand part of his nap be hurtful?  
Besides, by the opinion of all Philosophers and Physicians, it is not good to trust the air with our bodies till the Sun with his flame-coloured wings hath found away the mistress smoke of the morning, and refined that thick tobacco-breath which the rheumatic night throws abroad of purpose to put out the eye of the Clement: which work questionless cannot be perfectly finished till the suns Car-horses stand prancing on the very top of highest noon: so that then, (and not till then) is the most healthful houce to be stirring. Do you require examples to persuade you? At what time do Lords and Ladies use to rise but then? your simpering Merchants wives are the fairest liars in the world, and is not eleven a clock their common hour? they find (no doubt) unspeakable sweetness in such lying, else they would not day by day put it so in practice. In a word, mid day slumbers are golden, they make the body fat, the skin fair, the flesh plump▪ delicate and tender; they set a russet colour on the cheeks of young women, and make lusty courage to rise up in men: they make us thirfty, both in sparing victuals (for breakfasts thereby are sand from the hell-mouth of the belly) and in preserving apparel: for whilst we warm us in our beds, our clothes are not worn.  
The casements of thine eyes being then at this commendable time of the day, newly set open, choose rather to have thy windpipe cut in pieces then to salute any man. Bid not good morrow so much as to thy father, though he be an Emperor. An idle ceremony it is, and can do him little good; to thyself it may bring much harm: for if he be a wise man that knows how to hold his peace, of necessity must he be counted a fool that cannot keep his tongue?  
Amongst all the wild men, that run up and down in this wide forest of fools▪ (the world) none are more superstitious than those notable Ebritians, the jews: yet a jew never wears his cap thréed-hare with putting it off: never bends it'h hams with casting away a leg: never cries God save you, though he sees the Devil at your elbow. Play the jews therefore in this, and save thy lips that labour, only remember that so soon as thy eye lids be unglewd thy first exercise must be (either sitting upright on thy pillow, or rarely loling at thy bodies whole le●●th, to yawn, to stretch and to gape wider than any oysterwise: for thereby thou dost not only send out the lively spirits (like Vaunt-currers) to fortify and make good the uttermost borders of the body; but also (as a cunning painter) thy goodly lineaments are drawn out in their fairest proportion.  
This lesson being played: turn over a new leaf, and (unless that Fréezela●d Cur cold winter, offer to bite thee) walk a while, up and down thy chamber, either in thy thin shirt only, or else (which at a bare word is both more decent and more delectable) strip thyself stark naked. Are we not borne so? and shall a foolish custom make us to break the laws of our Creation? our first parents so long as they went naked, were suffered to dwell in paradise, but after they got coats to their backs, they were turned out a doors: Put on therefore either no apparel at all, or put it on carelessly: for look how much more delicate liberty is then bondage, so much is the looseness in wearing of our attire, above the imprisonment of being neatly and Tailor-like dressed up in it: To be ready in our clothes, is to be ready for nothing else. A man looks as if he hung in chains; or like a scarecrow: and as those excellent birds (whom Pliny could never have the wit to catch in all his sprindges commonly called woodcocks (whereof there is great store in England) having all their feathers plucked from their backs, and being turned out as naked as Plato's cock was before all Diogenes his Scholars: or as the Cuckoo in Christmas, are more fit to come to any Knight's board, and are indeed more serviceable than when they are leapt in their warm liveries: even so stands the case with man. Truth (because the baldpate her father Time, has no hair to cover his head) goes (when she goes best) stark naked; But falsehood has ever a cloak for the rain. You see likewise that the Lion, being the king of beasts, the horse being the lustiest creature, the Unicorn, whose horn is worth half a City, all these go with no more clothes on their backs, than what nature hath bestowed upon them; But you Babiownes, and you jack-an-apes (being the scum, and rascality of all the hedge-créepers) they go in jerkins and mandelions: marry how? they are put into these rags only in mockery.  
Oh beware therefore both what you wear, and how you wear it, and let this heavenly reason move you never to be handsome, for when the Sun is arising out of his bed, does not the element seem more glorious then (being only in grey) at noon when he's in all his bravery? it were madness to deny it. What man would not gladly see a beautiful woman naked, or at least with nothing but a lawn or some loose thing over her, and even highly lift her up for being so? Shall we then abhor that in ourselves, which we admire and hold to be so excellent in others? Absit.   

CHAP. III. How a young Gallant should warm himself by the fire: How attire himself: The description of a man's head: The praise of long hair.  
BUT if (as it often happens unless the year catch the sweeting sickness) the morning like charity waxing cold, thrust his frosty fingers into thy bosom, pinching thee black and blue, (with her nails made of ice) like an invisible Goblin, so that thy teeth (as if thou wert singing pricksong) stand coldly quavering in thy head, and leap up and down like the nimble jacks of a pair of Uirginals: be then as swift as a whirlwind, and as boisterous in tossing all thy clothes in a rude heap together: With which bundle filling thine arms, step bravely forth, crying Room, what a coil keep you about the fire? The more are set round about it, the more is thy commendation, if thou either bluntly ride over their shoulders, or tumblest aside their stools to creep into the chimney corner: there toast thy body, till thy scorched shin be speckled all over, being stained with more motley colours than are to be seen on the right side of the rainbow.  
Neither shall it be fit for the state of thy health, to put on thy Apparel, till by sitting in that hot house of the chimney, thou feelest the fat dew of thy body (like basting) run trickling down thy sides: for by that means thou mayst lawfully boast that thou livest by the sweat of thy brows.  
As for thy stockings and shoes, ●o wear them, that all men may point at thee and make thee▪ amous by th●t glorious name of a Male content▪ Or if thy quicksilver can run so far on thy errant as to fetch three boots out of S. Ma●ren● let it be thy prudence to have the tops of them wide as the mouth of a wallet, and those with fringed boothose over them to hang down to thy ankles. Doves are accounted innocent & loving creatures: thou in observing this fashion, shalt seem to be a rough-footed dove, and be held as innocent. Besides, the strawling, which of necessity so much leather between thy legs must put thee into, will be thought not to grow from thy disease, but from that gentlemanlike habit.  
Having thus appareled thee from top to toe, according to that simple fashion which the best Goose-caps in Europe strive to imitate, it is now high time for me to have a blow at thy head, which I will not cut off with sharp documents, but rather set it on faster, bestowing upon it such excellent carving, that if all the wise men of Gottam should lay their heads together, their jobber-nowles should not be able to compare with thine.  
To maintain therefore that sconce of thine, strongly guarded, and in good reparation, never suffer comb to fasten his teeth there: let thy hair grow thick and bushy like a forest, or some wilderness, lest those six-footed creatures that breed in it, and are Tenants to that crowne-land of thine, be hunted to death by every base barbarous Barber; and so that delicate and tickling pleasure of scratching, be utterly taken from thee: For the H●ad is a house built for Reason to devil in: and thus is the tenement framed. The two Eyes are the glass windows, at which light disperses itself into every room, having goodly penthouses of hair to overshadow them: As for the nose, though some (most injuriously and improperly) make it serve for an Indian chimney yet surely it is rightly a bridge with two arches, under which are neat passages to convey as well perfumes to air and sweeten every chamber, as to ●arry away all noisome filth that is swept out or unclean corners. The cherry lips open like the new painted gates of a Lord's majors house, to take in provision. The tongue is a bell, hanging just under the middle of the roof, and lest it should be rung out too deep (as sometimes it is when women have a peal) whereas it was cast by the first founder, but only to toll softly, there are two even rows of ivory pegs (like pales set to keep it in. The ears are two Music rooms into which as well good sounds as bad, descend down two narrow pair of stairs, that for all the world have crooked windings like those that lead to the top of Paul's steeple: & because when the tunes are once gotten in, they should not too quickly slip out, all the walls of both places are plastered with yellow wax round about them. Now as the fairest lodging, though it be furnished with walls chimneys, chambers, & all other parts of Architecture, yet if the feeling be wanting, it stands subject to rain, and so consequently to ruin. So would this goodly palace, which we have moddeld out unto you, be but a cold and bald habitation, were not the top of it rarely covered. Nature therefore has played the Tiler, and given it a most curious covering, or (to speak more properly) she has thatched it all over, and that Thatching is hair. If then thou desirest to reserve that Fée-simple of wit, (thy head) for thee and the lawful heirs of thy body, play neither the scurvy part of the Frenchman, that plucks up all by the roots, nor that of the spending Englishman, who to maintain a paltry warren of unprofitable Coneys, disimparkes the stately swift-footed wild Deer: But let thine receive his full growth that thou mayest safely and wisely brag 'tis thine own Bush-natural.  
And with all consider, that as those trees of Cobweb-lawn, (woven by Spinners the fresh May-mornings') do dress the curled heads of the mountains, and adorn the swelling bosoms of the valleys: Or as those snowy fleeces which the naked briar steals from the innocent nibbling sheep, to make himself a warm winter livery, are to either of them both an excellent ornament: So make thou account that to have feathers sticking here and there on thy head, will embellish and set thy crown out rarely None dare upbraid thee, that like a beggar thou hast lain on straw or like a traveling peddler upon musty flocks: for those feathers will rise up as witnesses to choke him that says so, and to prove that thy bed was of the softest Down.  
When your noblest Gallants consecrate their hours to their Mistresses and to reveling, they wear feathers then chiefly in their hats, being one of the fairest ensigns of their bravery: But thou a Reveller and a Mistris-seruer all the year by wearing feathers in thy hair▪ whose length, before the rigorous edge of any puritanical pair of scissors should shorten the breadth of a finger, let the three huswifely spinsters of Destiny rather curtal the thread of thy life. O no, long hair is the only net that women spread abroad to entrap men in; and why should not men be as far above women in that commodity, as they go beyond men in others? The merry greeks were called 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 long haired: lose not thou (being an honest Trojan) that honour, sithence it will more fairly become thee. Grass is the hair of the earth, which so long as it is suffered to grow, it becomes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing colour, but when the Sunne-burnt clown makes his mows at it, and like a Barber) shaves it off to the stumps, than it withers and is good ●●r nothing, but to be trust up and thrown amongst jades. How ugly is a bald pate? it looks like a face wanting a nose: or like ground eaten bare with the arrows of Archers, whereas a head all hid in hair, gives even to a most wicked face a sweet proportion, & looks like a meadow newly married to the Spring: which beauty in men the Turks envying, they no sooner lay hold on a Christian, but the first mark they set upon him, to make him know he's a slave, is to shave off all his hair close to the skull. A Mahometan cruelty therefore is it, to stuff breeches and tennis balls with that, which when 'tis once lost, all the hare-hunters in the world may sweat their hearts out and yet hardly catch it again.  
You then to whom chastity has given an heir apparent, take order that it may be apparent, and to that purpose let it play openly with the lascivious wind even on the top of your shoulders. Experience cries out in every City, that those self-same Critical Saturnists, whose hair is shorter than their eyebrows, take a pride to have their hoary beards hang slavering like a dozen of Fox tails, down so low as their middle. But (alas) why should the chins and lips of old men lick up that excrement which they violently clip away from the heads of young men? Is it because those long besoms (their beards) with sweeping the soft bosoms of their beautiful young wives, may tickle their tender breasts, and make some amends for their masters unrecoverable dullness? No, no there hangs more at the ends of those long grey hairs, than all the world can come to the knowledge of. Certain I am, that when neve but the golden age went currant upon earth, it was hither treason to clip hair, then to clip money: the comb and scizers were condemned to the currying of hackneys: he was di●franchized for ever, that did but put on a Barber's apron. Man, woman and child, wore then hair longer than a lawsuit: every head, when it stood bare or uncovered, looked like a butter-boxes ●owle having his thrummed cap on. It was free for all Nations to have shaggy pates, as it is now only for the Irishman: But since this polling and shaving world crept up, locks-were locked up▪ and hair sell to decay. Revive thou therefore the old buried fashion, on▪ and (in scorn of periwigs and shéep-shearing keep thou that quilted head-péece on continually. Long hair will make thee look dreadfully to thine enemies, and manly to thy friends. It is in peace, an ornament: in war, a strong helmet! It blunts the edge of a sword, and deads' the len●en thunip of a bullet. In winter it is a warm nightcap, in summer a cooling ●a●ne of feathers.   

CHAP. FOUR How a Gallant should behave himself in Powles-walkes.  
BEING weary with sailing up & down almost these shores of Barbaria, here let us cast our Anchor and nimbly leap to land in one coasts, whose fresh air shall be so much the more pleasing to us, if the Ninny hammer (whose perfection we labour to set forth) have 〈…〉 much ●oolish wit le●t him▪ as to choose the place where to such in: ●or that true humorous Gallant that desires to power himself into all fashions (〈◊〉 his ambition be such to excel ever Complement itself) must as well practise to diminish his 〈◊〉 as to be various in his salads curious in his 〈◊〉; or ingenious in the tru●●ing up of a new Sretchhose: All which virtues are excellent and able to maintain him, especially if the old worm-eaten Farmer, (his father) be dead, and left him five hundred a year, only to keep an Irish hobby, an Irish horseboy, and himself (like a gentleman.) He therefore that would strive to fashion his legs to his silk stockings, and his proud gate to his broad garters, let him whiff down these observations, for if he once get but to walk by the book (and I see no reason but he may as well as fight by the book) Paul's may be proud of him, Will Clarke shall ring forth Encomiums in his honour, john in Paul's Churchyard, shall fit his head for an excellent block, whilst all the Inns of Court rejoice to behold his most handsome calf.  
Your Mediterranean I'll, is then the only gallery, wherein the pictures of all your true fashionate and complemental Gulls are and aught to be hung up: into that gallery carry your neat body, but take heed you pick out such an hour, when the main Shoal of Islanders are swimming up and down: and first observe your doors of entrance, and your Exit, not much unlike the players at the theatres, keeping your Decorums even in phantasticality. As for example: if you prove to be a Northern Gentleman I would wish you to pass through the North door more often (especially) than any of the other: and so according to your countries, take note of your entrances.  
Now for your venturing into the Walk▪ be circumspect and wary what pillar you come in at, and take heed in any case (as you love the reputation of your honour) that you avoid the Serving man's Log, and approach not within five fathom of that Pillar, but bend your course directly in the middle line, that the whole body of the Church may appear to be yours, where, in view of all, you may publish your suit in what manner you affect most, either with the slide of your cloak from the one shoulder, and then you must (as 'twere in anger) suddenly snatch at the middle of the inside (if it be taffeta at the least) and so by the means your costly lining is betrayed, or else by the pretty advantage of Complement. But one note by the way do I especially we●e you to, the neglect of which, makes many of our Gallants cheap and ordinary, that by no means you be seen above four turns, but in the fifth make yourself away, either in some of the Sempster's shops, the new Tobacco-office, or amongst the Booksellers, where, if you cannot read, exercise your smoke, and inquire who has writ against this divine weed: etc. For this withdrawing yourself a little, will much benefit your suit, which else by too long walking, would be stale to the whole spectators: but howsoever, if Paul's jacks be once up with their elbows, and quarreling to strike eleven, as soon as ever the clock has parted them, and ended the fray with his hammer, let not the Duke's gallery contain you any longer, but pass away apace in open view. In which departure, if by chance you either encounter, or aloof off throw your inquisitive eye upon any knight or Squire, being your familiar, salute him not by his name of Sir such a one, or so, but call him Ned or jack etc. This will set off your estimation with great men: and if (though there be a dozen companies between you, 'tis the better) he call aloud to you (for that's most gentile) to know where he shall find you a● two a clock, tell him at such an Ordinary or such, and be sure to name those that are dearest, and whither none but your Gallants resort. After dinner you may appear again having translated yourself out of your English cloth cloak, into a light Turky-grogram (if you have that happiness of shifting) and then we seen (for a turn or two) to correct your teeth with some quill, or silver instrument, and to cleanse your gums with a wrought handkerchief: It skills not whether you dined or no, (that's best known to your stomach) or in what place you dined, though it were with cheese (of your own mothers making) in your chamber or study.  
Now if you chance to be a Gallant not much crossed amongst Citizens, that is, a Gallant in the Mercer's books, exalted for Satins and velvets, if you be not so much blest to be crossed (as I hold it the greatest blessing in the world, to be great in no man's books) your Paul's walk is your only refuge: the Duke's Tomb is a Sanctuary, and will keep you alive from worms and land-rattes, that long to be feeding on your carcase: there you may spend your legs in winter a whole afternoon: converse, plot, laugh, and talk any thing, jest at your Creditor, even to his face, and in the evening, even by lamp-light, steal an't, & so cozen a whole coup of abominable catchpoles.  
Never be seen to mount the steps into the choir, but upon a high Festival day, to prefer the fashion of your doublet, and especially if the singing boys seem to take note of you: for they are able to buzz your praises, above their Anthems if their veins have not lost their maidenheads, but be sure your silver spurs dog your heels, and then the B●yes will swarm about you like so many white 〈…〉 when you in the open Choir shall dr●we forth a 〈◊〉 embroidered purse, (the glorious ●ight of which▪ will entice ma●y Countrymen from their division to wondering) 〈…〉 Silver into the Boy's hands▪ that it may 〈◊〉 hea●d 〈◊〉 the first lesson, although it be read in a voy●e as big as one of the great Organs.  
This noble and notable Act being performed you are to vanish presently out of the Choir, & to appear again 〈◊〉 the ●alk; But in any wise be not observed to t●e●d there long alone, for fear you be suspected to be a Gallant, ●●sh●●rd from the 〈◊〉 of Captains and Figh●ers.  
Suck this humour up especially▪ Put off to none unless his hatband be of a 〈…〉 ●uainter: but for him that 〈…〉 about his h●tte, (though he were an Alderman's son) never move to him: for he's suspected to be worse than a Gull, ● not worth the putting off to, that cannot observe the time of his hatband, nor know what fashioned block is most kin to his head: for in my opinion, the brain that cannot choice his Felt well, (being the head ornament) must needs power folly into all the rest of the members, and be an absolute confirmed Fool, in Summa Totali.  
All the diseased horses in a tedious siege, cannot show so many fashions, as are to be seen for nothing every day in Duke Humfryes walk. If therefore you determine to enter into a new suit, warn your T●lor to attend you in Paul's who, with his hat in his hand, shall like a spy discover the stuff, colour, and fashion of any doublet or hose that dare be seen there and stepping behind a pills to fill his table-books with those notes, will presently send you into the world an accomplished man, by which means you shall wear your clothes in print with the first edition.  
But if Fortune favour you so much as to make you no more than a mere country gentleman, or but some▪ degrees removed fi● him▪ (for which I should be very sor●e, because your London-experience will cost you 〈◊〉 before you shall have the wit to know what you are) then take this lesson along with you: The first time that you 〈…〉 Paul's, pass through the body of the Church like a P●r●er, yet presume not to fetch so much as one whole turn in the middle I'll, no nor to cast an eye to Siquiss d●o●e (pasted & plastered up with servingmen supplications) before you have paid tribute to the top of Paul's steeple with a single penny 〈◊〉 when you are mounted there, take heed how you ●oo●e down into the yard; for the ra●●es are as 〈◊〉 as your great Grandfather: and thereupon it will not be 〈◊〉 if you 〈◊〉 how ●it Woodros●e durst vault over, and what reason h● had ●or●, to put his neck in hazard of reparations. From hence you may descend to talk about the horse that went up, and 〈…〉 to know his keeper, take the day of the month, and the number of the steps, and suffer yourself to believe verily that it was not a horse, but something else in the likeness of one. Which wonders you may publish when 〈…〉 into the country, to the great amazement of all Farmers' daughters that will almost swoon at the report, and never recover till their ba●es be asked twice in the Church.  
But I have not left you yet: Before you come down again, I would desire you to draw your knife, and grave your name, (or for want of a name, the mark which you clap on your sheep) in great Characters upon the leads by a number of your brethren (both Citizens and country Gentlemen) and so you shall be sure to have your name lie in a coffin of lead when yourself shall be wrapped in a winding-shéete: and indeed the top of Paul's contains more names than Stows Chronicle. These lofty tricks being played, and you (thanks to your feet) being safely arrived at the st●●es ●oote again, your next worthy work is, to repair to my Lord Chancellor's Tomb (and if you can but reasonably spell) bestow some time upon the reading of sir Philip sydney's brief Epitaph in the compass of an hour you may make shift to stumble it out. The great Dial is your last monument, there bestow some half of the threescore minutes, to observe the sauciness of the jacks, that are above the man in the moon there: the strangeness of the motion will quit your labour. Besides, you may here have fit occasion to discover your watch by taking it forth, and setting the wheels to the time of Paul's, which I assure you goes truer by five notes then S. sepulchres Chimes. The benefit that will arise from hence is this, that you publish your Change in maintaining a gilded clock; and withal the world shall know that you are a time-pleaser. By this I imagine you have walked your belly full, & thereupon being weary, or (which rather I believe) being most Gentlemanlike hungry, it is fit that as I brought you into the Duke, so (because he follows the fashion of great men, in keeping no house, and that therefore you must go seek your dinner) suffer me to take you by the hand, and lead you into an Ordinary.   

CHAP. V. How a young Gallant should behave himself in an Ordinary.  
FIRST, Having diligently inquired out an Ordinary of the largest reckoning, whither most of your Courtly Gallants do resort, let it be your use to repair thither some half hour after eleven, for than you shall find most of your fashion-mongers planted in the room waiting for meat: ride thither upon your galloway-nag, or your Spanish jennet, a swift ambling pace, in your hose and doublet (gilt rapier & poniard bestowed in their places) and your French Lackey, carrying your cloak, and running before you, or rather in a coach, for that will both hide you from the baseliske-eyes of your creditors, and outrun a whole kennel of bitter mouthed sergeant.  
Being arrived in the room, salute not any but those of your acquaintance: walk up and down by the rest as scornfully and as carelessly as a Gentleman Usher: Select some friend (having first thrown off your cloak) to walk up and down the room with you, let him be suited if you can, worse by far then yourself, he will be a foil to you: & this will be a means to publish your clothes better than Paul's, a Tennis-court, or a Playhouse: discourse as loud as you can, no matter to what purpose, if you but make a noise, and laugh in fashion, and have a good sour face to promise quarreling, you shall be much observed.  
If you be a soldier, talk how often you have been in action: as the Portugal voyage Cales voyage, the Island voyage, besides some eight or nine employments in Ireland and the low Countries: than you may discourse how honourably your Grave used you: observe that you call your Grave Maurice your Grave; How often you have drunk with Count such a one, and such a Count on your knees to your graves health: and let it be your virtue to give place neither to S. Kynock, nor to any Dutchman, whatsoever in the seventeen Provinces for that soldiers complement of drinking. And if you perceive that the untraveld company about you take this down well, ply them with more such stuff, as, how you have interpreted between the French King, and a great Lord of Barbary, when they have been drinking healths together, and that will be an excellent occasion to publish your languages, if you have them; if not, get some fragments of french, or small parcels of Italian to fling about the table; but beware how you speak any latin there, your Ordinary most commonly hath no more to do with Latin then a desperate town of Garrison hath.  
If you be a Courtier, discourse of the obtaining of Suits: of your mistresses favours, etc. Make inquiry if any gentleman at board have any suit to get, which he would use the good means of a great man's Interest with the King: and withal (if you have not so much grace left in you as to blush) that you are (thanks to your stars) in mighty credit, though in your own conscience you know, and are guilty to yourself that you dare not, (but only upon the privileges of handsome clothes) presume to peep into the presence. Demand if there be any Gentleman, (whom any there is acquainted with) that is troubled with two offices; or any vicar with two Church-livings; which will politicly insinuate, that your inquiry after them, is because you have good means to obtain them; yea; and rather than your tongue should not be heard in the room, but that you should sit (like an A●●e) with your sinner in your mouth and speak nothing: discourse how often this Lady hath sent her Coach for you: and h●w o●ten you have swe●t in the Tennis-court with that great Lord: for indeed the sweeting together in France (I mean the society of Tennis) is a great argument ●●most dear affection, even between noble men and Peasants.  
If you be a Poet and come into the Ordinary (though it can be no great glory to be an ordinary Poet) order your se●●e thus: Observe no man, dost not cap to that Gentleman to day at dinner, to whom not two nights since you were beholden for a supper, but after a turn or two in the room, take occasion (pulling out your gloves) to have some Epigram, or Satire or Sonnet, fastened in one of them, that may (as it were vomittingly to you) offer itself to the Gentlemen: they will presently desire it: but without much coiuration from them, and a pretty kind of counterfeit loathness in yourself, do not read it: and though it be none of your own, swear you made it. Mary 〈◊〉 chance to get into your hands any witty thing of another man's that is somewhat better, I would council you then, if demand be made who composed it, you may say, faith a learned Gentleman, a very worthy friend: And this seeming to lay it on another man will be counted either modesty in you or a sign that you are not ambitious of praise, or else that you dare not take it upon you for fear of the sharpness it carries with it. Besides, it will add much to your fame to let your tongue walk faster than your teeth, though you be never so hungry, and rather than you should sit like a dumb Coxcomb, to repeat by heart, either some verses of your own, or of any other man's stretching even very good lines upon the rack of censure, though it be against all law, honesty or conscience, it may chance save you the price of your Ordinary, & be●et you other Supplements. Ma●y I would further entreat our Poet to be in league with the Mistress of the Ordinary because from her upon condition that he will but rhyme Knights and young gentlemen to her house, and maintain the table in good sooling) he may eas●y make up his mouth at her cost, Gratis.  
Thus much for particular men but in general let all that are in Ordinary-pay, march after the sound of these directions▪ Before the meat come smoking to the board, our Gallant must draw out his Tobacco-box, the ladle for the cold snuff into the nostril, the tongues and prining Iron: All which artillery may be of gold or silver (if he can reach to the price of it) it will be a reasonable useful pawn at all times, when the current of his money falls out to run low. And here you must observe to know in what state Tobacco is in town, better than the Merchants, and to discourse of the Apothecaries where it is to be sold, and to be able to speak of their wives as readily as the Apothecary himself reading the barbarous hand of a Doctor: then let him show his several tricks in taking it. As the Whiff, the Ring, etc. For these are compliments that gain Gentlemen no mean respect, and for which indeed they are more worthily noted, I ensure you, then for any skill that they have in learning.  
When you are set down to dinner, you must eat as impudently as can be (for that's most Gentleman like) when your Knight is upon his stewed Mutton, be you presently (though you be but a Captain) in the bosom of your goose: and when your justice of peace is knuckle deep in goose, you may without disparagement to your blood, though you have a Lady to your mother, fall very manfully to your woodcocks.  
You may rise in dinner time to ask for a close stool, protesting to all the gentlemen that it costs you a hundred pound a year in physic, besides the Annual pension which your wife allows her Doctor: And (if you please) you may (as your great French Lord doth) invite some special friend of yours, from the table to hold discourse with you as you sit in that withdrawing chamber: from whence being returned again to the board, you shall sharpen the wits of all the eating Gallants about you, and do them great pleasure to ask what Pamphlets or Poems a man might think fittest to wipe his tail with (mary this talk will be some what fowl if you carry not a strong perfume about you) and in propounding this question, you may abuse the works of any man, deprave his writings that you cannot equal, and purchase to yourself in time the terrible name of a severe Critic: nay and be one of the College, if you'll be liberal enough: and (when your turn comes) pay for their suppers.  
After dinner, every man as his business leads him: some to dice some to drabs, some to plays, some to take up friends in the Court, some to take up money in the City, some to lend testers in Paul's, others to bonrrow Crowns upon the Exchange: and thus as the people is said to be a beast of many heads (yet all those heads like Hydra's) ever growing as various in their horns as wondrous in their budding & branching, so in an Ordinary you shall find the variety of a whole kingdom in a few Apes of the kingdom.  
You must not swear in your dicing: for that Argues a violent impatience to depart from your money, and in time will betray a man's need. Take heed of it. No! whether you be at Primero or Hazard, you shall sit as patiently (though you lose a whole halfe-yeares exhibition) as a disarmed Gentleman does when he's in the unmerciful fingers of sergeant. Mary I will allow you to sweat privately, and tear six or seven score pair of cards, be the damnation of some dozen or twenty bail of dice, & forswear play a thousand times in an hour, but not swear. Dice yourself into your shirt: and if you have 〈◊〉 that your friend will lend but an angel upon, shave it of● and pawn that rather than to go home blind to your lodging.  
Further, it is to be remembered, He that is a great Gamester, may be trusted for a quarter's board at all tunes, and apparel provided if need be.  
At your twelvepenny Ordinary you may give any justice of peace, or young Knight (if he sit but one degree towards the Equinoctial of the Salt-seller) leave to pay for the wine, and he shall not refuse it, though it be a week before the receiving of his quarters rend, which is a time albeit of good hope, yet of present necessity.  
There is another Ordinary to which your London Usurer, your stale Batchilor, and your thrifty Attorney do resort: the price thrée-pences: the rooms as full of company as a jail, and indeed divided into several wards, like the beds of an Hospital. The complement between these is not much, their words few: for the belly hath no ears, every man's eye here is upon the other man's trencher, to note whether his fellow lurch him or no: if they chance to discourse, it is of nothing but of Statutes, Bonds, recognisances, Fines, Recoveries, Audits, Rents, Subsidies, Sureties, Enclosures, Liveries, Indicements, outlawries, Feoffments, judgements, Commissions, Bankrupts, Amercements, and of such horrible matter, that when a Lieutenant dines with his punk in the next room, he thinks verily the men are conjuring. I can find nothing at this Ordinary worthy the sitting down for: therefore the cloth shall be taken away, and those that are thought good enough to be guests here, shall be too base to be waiters at your Grand Ordinary. At which, your Gallant tastes these commodities; he shall far well, enjoy good company receive all the news ere the post can deliver his packet, be perfect where the best bawdy-houses stand, proclaim his good clothes, know this man to drink well, that to feed grossly, the other to swaggar roughly: he shall if he he minded to travel, put out money upon his return, and have hands enough to receive it, upon any terms of repayment: And no question if he be poor, he shall now and then light upon some Gull or other, whom he may skelder (after the gentile fashion) of money: By this time the parings of Fruit and Cheese are in the voider, Cards and dice lie stinking in the fire, the guests are all up, the guilt rapiers ready to be hanged, the French Lackey, and Irish Footeboy, shrugging at the doors with their master's hobby-horses, to ride to the new play: that's the Randenous: thither they are galloped in post, let us take a pair of Dares, and now lustily after them.   

CHAP. VI How a Gallant should behave himself in a Playhouse.  
THE Theatre is your Poets Royal-Exchange, upon which, their Muses (the are now turned to Merchants) meeting, barter away that light commodity of words for a lighter ware than words. Plaudities and the Breath of the great Beast, which (like the threatenings of two Cowards) vanish all into air. Players and their Factors, who put away the stuff, and make the best of it they possibly can (as indeed 'tis their parts so to do) your Gallant, your Courtier and your Captain, had wont to be the soundest paymaisters, and I think are still the surest chapmen: and these by means that their heads are well stocked, deal upon this comical freight by the gross: when your Groundling, and Gallery Commoner buys his sport by the penny, and, like a Haggler, is glad to utter it again by retailing.  
Since then the place is so free in entertainment, allowing a stool as well to the Farmer's son as to your Templar: that your Stinkard has the self same liberty to be there in his Tobacco-Fumes, which your sweet Courtier hath: and that your Car-man and Tinker claim as strong a voice in their suffrage, and sit to give judgement on the plays life and death▪ as well as the proudest Momus among the tribe of Critic: It is fit y ● he, whom the most tailor's bills do make room for, when he comes should not be basely (like a viol) cased up in a corner.  
Whether therefore the gatherers of the public or private Playhouse stand to receive the afternoons rent, let our Gallant (having paid it) presently advance himself up to the Throne of the Stage. I mean not into the Lord's room, (which is now but the Stages Suburbs) No, those boxes by the iniquity of custom, conspiracy of waiting-women and Gentlemen-Ushers, that there sweat together, and the covetousness of Sharers, are contemptibly thrust into the rear, and much new Satin is there damned by being smothered to death in darkness. But on the very Rushes where the Comedy is to dance, yea and under the state of Cambyses himself must our feathered Ostrich like a piece of Ordnance be planted valiantly (because impudently) beating down the mews & hisses of the opposed rascality.  
For do but cast up a reckoning, what large cumming in are pursd up by sitting on the Stage, First a conspicuous Eminence is gotten, by which means the best and most essential parts of a Gallant (good clothes, a proportionable leg, white hand, the Persian lock, and a tolerable beard) are perfectly revealed.  
By sitting on the stage▪ you have a signed patent to engross the whole commodity of Censure; may lawfully presume to be a Girder: & stand at the helm to steer the passage of Scenes yet no man shall once offer to hinder you from obtaining the title of an insolent over-wéening Coxcomb.  
By sitting on the stage, you may (without traveling for it) at the very next door, ask whose play it is: and by that Quest of Inquiry, the law warrants you to avoid much mistaking: if you know not the author, you may rail against him: and peradventure so behave yourself, that you may enforce the Author to know you.  
By sitting on the stage, if you be a Knight, you may happily get you a Mistress: if a mere Fleetstreet Gentleman, a wife; but assure yourself by continual residence, you are the first and principal man in election to begin the number of We three.  
By spreading your body on the stage, and by being a justice in examining of plays, you shall put yourself into such true Scaenical authority that some Poet shall not dare to present his Muse rudely upon your eyes, without having first unmasked her, rifled her, and discovered all her bare and most mystical parts before you at a Tavern, when you most knightly shall for his pains, pay for both their suppers.  
By ●itting on the stage, you may (with small cost) purchase the dear acquaintance of the boys: have a good stool for sixpence: at any time know what particular part any of the infants present: get your match lighted, examine the play-suits lace, and perhaps win wagers upon laying 'tis copper, etc. And to conclude whether you be a fool or a justice of peace, a Cuckold or a Captain, a Lord majors son or a dawcocke, a knave or an under Shreife, of what stamp soever you be, currant or counterfeit, the Stagelike time will bring you to most perfect light, and lay you open: neither are you to be hunted from thence though the Scarecrows in the yard, hoot at you, hiss at you, spit at you, yea throw dirt even in your teeth: 'tis most Gentleman like patience to endure all this, and to laugh at the silly Animals; but if the Rabble with a full throat, cry away with the fool, you were worse than a madman to tarry by it: for the Gentleman and the fool should never sit on the Stage together.  
Mary let this observation go hand in hand with the rest: or rather like a country-seruingman, some five yards before them Present not yourself on the Stage (especially at a new play) until the quaking prologue hath (by rubbing) got colour into his cheeks, and is ready to give the trumpets their Cue that he's upon point to enter: for than it is time, as though you were one of the Properties, or that you dropped out of the Hangings to creep from behind the Arras with your Tripos or thrée-sooted stool in one hand, and a teston mounted between a forefinger and a thumb in the other: for if you should bestow your person upon the vulgar, when the belly of the house is but half full, your apparel is quite eaten up, the fashion lost, and the proportion of your body in more danger to be devoured, then if it were served up in the Counter amongst the Poultry: avoid that as you would the Bastome. It shall crown you with rich commendation to laugh aloud in the midst of the most serious and saddest scene of the terriblest Tragedy: and to let that clapper (your tongue) be tossed so high that all the house may ring of it: your Lords use it; your Knights are Apes to the Lords, and do so too: your Inne-a-court-man is Zany to the Knights, and (many very scurvily) comes likewise limping after it: be thou a beagle to them all, and never lin snuffing till you have scented them: for by talking and laughing (like a Ploughman in a Morris) you heap Pelion upon Ossa, glory upon glory: As first, all the eyes in the galleries will leave walking after the Players, and only follow you: the simplest dolt in the house snatches up your name, and when he meets you in the streets, or that you fall into his hands in the middle of a Watch, his word shall be taken for you, he'll cry, he's such a Gallant, and you pass. Secondly, you publish▪ your temperance to the world, in that you seem not to resort thither to taste vain pleasures with a hungry appetite; but only as a Gentleman, to spend a foolish hour or two, because you can do nothing else. Thirdly you mightily disrelish the Audience, and disgrace the Author: mary you take up (though it be at the worst hand) a strong opinion of your own judgement and enforce the Poet to take pity of your weakness, and by some dedicated sonnet to bring you into a better paradise, only to stop your mouth.  
If you can (either for love or money) provide yourself a lodging by the water side: for above the conveniency it brings, to shun Shoulder-clapping, and to ship away your Cockatrice betimes in the morning it adds a kind of state unto you, to be carried from thence to the stairs of your Playhouse: hate a Sculler (remember that) worse than to be acquainted with one ath Scullery. No, your Oars are your only Sea-crabs, board them, & take heed you never go twice together with one pair: often shifting is a great credit to Gentlemen: & that dividing of your Fare will make the poor watersnaks be ready to pull you in peers to enjoy your custom: No matter whether upon landing you have money or no, you may swim in twenty of their boats over the river, upon Ticket: mary when silver comes in, remember to pay treble their fare, & it will make your Flounder-catchers to send more thanks after you, when you do not draw, then when you do: for they know, It will be their own another day.  
Before the Play begins, fall to cards, you may win or lose (as Fencers do in a prize) and beat one another by confederacy, yet share the money when you meet at supper: notwithstanding, to gull the Ragamiuffin's that stand a loof gaping at you, throw the cards (having first torn four or five of them) round about the Stage, just upon the third sound, as though you had lost: it skills not if the four knaves lie on their backs, and outface the Audience, there's none such fools as dare take exceptions at them, because ere the play go off, better knaves than they will fall into the company.  
Now sir, if the writer be a fellow that hath either epigramd you, or hath had a flirt at your mistress, or hath brought either your feather or your red beard, or your little legs etc. on the stage, you shall disgrace him worse than by tossing him in a blanket, or giving him the bastinado in a Tavern, if in the middle of his play, (be it Pastoral or Comedy, Moral or Tragedy) you rise with a skreud and discontented face from your stool to be gone: no matter whether the Scenes be good or no, the better they are, the worse do you distaste them: and being on your feet, sneak not away like a coward, but salute all your gentle acquaintance, that are spread either on the rushes, or on stools about you, and draw what troup you can from the stage after you: the Mimics are beholden to you, for allowing them elbow room: their Poet cries perhaps a pox go with you, but care not you for that, there's no music without frets.  
Mary if either the company, or indisposition of the weather hind you to sit it out, my counsel is then that you turn plain Ape, take up a rush and tickle the earnest ears of your fellow gallants, to make other fools fall a laughing: mewe at passionate speeches, blare at merry, find fault with the music, whew at the children's Action, whistle at the songs: and above all, curse the sharers, that whereas the same day you had bestowed forty shillings on an embroidered Felt and Feather, (scotch-fashion) for your mistress in the Court, or your punk in the City, within two hours after, you encounter with the very same block on the stage, when the haberdasher swore to you the impression was extant but that morning.  
To conclude, hoard up the finest play-scraps you can get, upon which your leave wit may most savourly feed for want of other stuff, when the Arcadian and Euphuird gentlewomen have their tongues sharpened to set upon you: that quality (next to your shuttlecock) is the only furniture to a Courtier that's but a new beginner, and is but in his ABC of complement. The next places that are filled, after the Playhouses be emptied, are (or aught to be) Taverns, into a Tavern then let us next march, where the brains of one Hogshead must be beaten out to make up another.   

CHAP. 8. How a gallant should behave himself in a Tavern.  
Whosoever desires to be a man of good reckoning in the City, and (like your French Lord) to have as many tables furnished, as Lackeys (who when they keep least, keep none (whether he be a young Quat of the first years revenue, or some nustere and sullenfacd steward, who (in despite of a great heard, a satin suit, and a chain of gold wrapped in cypres) proclaims himself to any (but to those to whom his Lord owes money) for a rank coxcomb, or whether he be a country gentleman that brings his wife up to learn the fashion, see the Tombs at Westminster, the Lions in the Tower, or to take physic, or else is some young Farmer, who many times makes his wife (in the country) believe he hath suits in law, because he will come up to his lechery: be he of what stamp he will that hath money in his purse, and a good conscience to spend it, my council is that he take his continual diet at a Tavern, which (out of question) is the only Rendezvous of boon company; and the Drawers the most nimble, the most bold, and most sudden proclaimers of your largest bounty.  
Having therefore thrust yourself into a case most in fashion (how course soever the stuff be, 'tis no matter so it hold fashion) your office is (if you mean to do your judgement right) to inquire out those Taverns which are best customed, whose masters are oftenest drunk (for that confirms their taste, and that they choose wholesome wines) and such as stand furthest from the counters, where landing yourself & your followers, your first complement-shall be-to grow most inwardly acquainted with the drawers, to learn their names, as jack, and Will, and Tom, to dive into their inclinations, as whether this fellow useth to the Fencing School, this to the Dancing School; whether that young conjuror (in Hogsheads) at midnight, keeps a Gelding now and then to visit his Cockatrice, or whether he love dogs, or be addicted to any other eminent and Citizen-like quality: and protest yourself to be extremely in love, and that you spend much money in a year, upon any one of those exercises which you perceive is, followed by them. The use which you shall make of this familiarity is this: If you want money five or six days together, you may still pay the reckoning, with this most Gentlemanlike language Boy, fetch me money from the Bar, and keep yourself most, providently from a hungry melancholy in your chamber. Besides, you shall be sure (if there be but one faucet that can betray neat wine to the bar) to have that arraigned before you, sooner than a better and worthier person.  
The first question you are to make (after the discharging of your pocket of Tobacco and pipes, and the household stuff thereto belonging) shall be for an inventory of the Kitchen: for it were more than most Tailor-like, and to be suspected you were in ●eague with some Kitchen-wench, to descend yourself, to offend your stomach with the sight of the Larder, and happily to grease your Acconstrements. Having therefore received this bill, you shall (like a Captain putting up dear pays) have many Salads stand on your table, as it were for blanks to the other more serviceable dishes: and according to the time of the year, vary your face, as Capon is a stirring meat sometime, Oysters are a swelling meat sometimes, Trout a tickling meat sometimes, green Goose, and Woodcock a delicate meat sometimes, especially in a Tavern, where you shall sit in as great state as a Churchwarden amongst his poor Parishioners at Pentecost or Christmas.  
For your drink, let not your Physician confine you to any one particular liquor: for as it is requisite that a Gentleman should not always be plodding in one Art, but rather be a general Scholar (that is, to have a lick at all sorts of learning & away) So 'tis not fitting a man should trouble his head with sucking at one Grape, but that he may be able (now there is a general peace) to drink any stranger drink in his own element of drink, or more properly in his own mist language.  
Your discourse at the table must be such as that which you utter at your Ordinary: your behaviour the same, but somewhat more careless: for where your expense is great, let your modesty be less: and though you should be mad in a Tavern, the largeness of the Items will bear with your incivility, you may without prick to your conscience set the want of your wit against the superfluity and sauciness of their reckonings.  
If you defice not to be haunted with Fiddlers (who by the statute have as much liberty as Rogues to travel into any place, hau●ng the passport of the house about them) bring then no women along with you; but if you love the company of all the drawers, never sup without your Cockatrice: for having her there, you shall be sure of most officious attendance. Inquire what Gallants sup in the next room, and if they be any of your acquaintance, do not you (after the City fashion) send them in a ●ottle of wine, and your name sweetened in two pitiful papers of Sugar, with some filthy Apology crammed into the mouth of a Drawer; but rather keep a boy in fee, who under hand shall proclaim you in every room, what a gallant fellow you are, how much you spend yearly in Taverns, what a great gamester, what custom you bring to the house, in what witty discourse you maintain a table, what Gentlewomen, or citizens wives you can with a wet finger have at any time to sup with you, and such like. By which Encomiastics of his, they that know you not: shall admire you; and think themselves to be brought into a paradise but to be meanly in your acquaintance: and if any of your endéered friends be in the house, and beat the same juy-bush that yourself does, you may join companies and be drunk together most publicly.  
But in such a deluge of drink, take heed that no man counterfeit himself drunk, to free his purse from the danger of the shot: 'tis an usual thing now amongst gentlemen, it had wont be the quality of Cockneys, I would advise you to leave so much brains in your head, as to prevent this. When the terrible Reckoning (like an indictment) bids you hold up your hand, and that you must answer it at the bar, you must not abate one penny in any particular, no, though they reckon cheese to you when you have neither eaten any, nor could ever abide it, raw or toasted: but cast your eye only upon the Totalis and no further; for to traverse the bill, would betray you to be acquainted with the rates of the market, nay more, it would make the Vintners believe, you were Pater-familias, and kept a house which I assure you is not now in fashion.  
If you fall to dice after Supper, let the drawers be as familiar with you as your Barber, and venture their silver amongst you: no matter where they had it, you are to cherish the unthriftiness of such young tame pigeons, if you be a right gentleman: for when two are yoked together by the purse strings▪ & draw the Chariot of Madam Prodigality, when one faints in the way, and slips his horns, let the other rejoice and laugh at him.  
At your departure forth the house, to kiss mine Hostis over the bar, or to accept of the courtesy of the Cellar, when 'tis offered you by the drawers (and you must know that kindness never creeps upon them, but when they see you almost cleft to the shoulders) or to bid any of the Uintuers good night, is as commendable, as for a Barber after trimming to lave your face with sweet water.  
To conclude, count it an honour either to invite, or to be invited to any Rifling, for commonly though you find much satin there, yet you shall likewise find many citizens' sons, and heirs, and younger brothers there who smell out such feasts more greedily than Tailors hunt upon sundays after weddings. And let any hook draw you either to a Fencer's supper, or to a Players that acts such a part for a wager: for by this means you shall get experience by being guilty to their abominable shaving.   

CHAP. 8. How a gallant is to behave himself passing through the City at all hours of the night, and how to pass by any watch.  
AFter the sound of pottle pots is out of your ears, and that the spirit of Wine and Tobacco walks in your brain, the Tavern door being shut upon your back, cast about to pass through the widest and goodliest streets in the City. And if your means cannot reach to the keeping of a boy, hire one of the drawers, to be as a lantern unto your feet, and to light you home: and still as you approach near any nightwalker that is up as late as yourself, curse and swear (like one that speaks high dutch) in a lofty voice, because your men have v●d you so like a rascal in not waiting upon you, and vow the next morning to pull their blue cases over their ears, though if your chamber were well searched, you give only six pence a week to some old woman to make your bed, and that she is all the seruing-creatures you give wages to. If you smell a watch, (and that you may easily do, for commonly they eat onions to keep them in sleeping, which they account a medicine against cold) But if you come within danger of their brown bills, let him that is your candlestick, and holds up your torch from dropping (for to march after a lin●k, is shoemaker like) let Ignis Fatuus, I say being within the reach of the Constable's staff, ask aloud, Sir Giles, or Sir Abram, will you turn this way, or down that street? It skills not, though there be none dubbed in your Bunch, the watch will wink at you, only for the love they bear to arms and knighthood: mary if the Sentinel and his court of Guard stand strictly upon his martial Law and cry stand, commanding you to give the word, and to show reason why your Ghost walks so late, do it in some jest, (for that will show you have a desperate wit, and perhaps make him and his halberdiers afraid to lay fowl hands upon you,) or if you read a mittimus in the Constable's book, counterfeit to be a French man, a Dutchman, or any other nation, whose country is in peace with your own, and you may pass the pikes: for being not able to understand you, they cannot by the customs of the City take your examination, and so by consequence they have nothing to say to you.  
If the night be old, and that your lodging be in some place into which no Artillery of words can make a breach, retire, & rather assault the doors of your punk, or (not to speak broken English) your sweet mistress: upon whose white bosom you may languishingly consume the rest of darkness that is left, in ravishing (though not restorative) pleasures without expenses, only by virtue of four or five oaths (when the siege breaks up, & at your marching away with bag and baggage) that the last night you were at dice, and lost so much in gold, so much in silver, and seem to vex most that two such Elizabeth twenty shilling pieces, or four such spur-ryals (sent you with a cheese and a baked meat from your mother) rid away amongst the rest. By which tragical▪ yet politic speech, you may not only have your night work done Gratis, but also you may take diet ther● the next day and depart with credit only upon the bare word of a Gentleman to make her restitution.  
All the way as you pass (especially being approached near some of the Gates) talk of none but Lords, and such Ladies with whom you have played at Primero, or danced in the Presence the very same day: It is a chance to lock up the lips of an inquisitive Belman: and being arrived at your lodging door, which I would council you to choose in some rich citizens house, salute at parting no man but by the name of Sir, (as though you had supped with Knights) albeit you had none in your company, but your Perinado or your Inghle.  
Happily it will be blown abroad that you and your Shoal of Gallants swom through such an Ocean of wine, that you danced so much money out at heels, and that in wild-●oule there slew away thus much, and I assure you to have the 〈◊〉 of your reckoning lost of purpose, so that it may be published, will make you to be held in dear estimation: only the danger is, if you owe money, and that your revealing ge●s your Creditors by the ears; for then look to have a peal of ordinance thundering at your chamber door the next morning. But if either your Tailor, Mercer, Haberdasher, Silkman, Cutter, Linen-draper, or Sempster, stand like a guard of Swissers about your lodging watching your uprising, or if they miss of that, your down lying in one of the Counters, you have no means to avoid the galling of their small shot, then by sending out a light-horseman to call your Apothecary to your aid, who encountering this desperate band of your Creditors, only with 2. or 3. glasses in his hand, as though that day you purged, is able to drive them all to their holes like so many Foxes: for the name of taking physic is a sufficient Quietus est, to any endangered Gentleman, and gives an acquittance (for the time) to them all, though the twelve Companies stand with their hoods to attend your coming forth, and their Officers with them.  
I could now fetch you about noon (the hour which I prescribed you before to rise at) out of your chamber, and carry you with me in to Paul's Churchyard, where planting yourself in a Stationer's shop, many instructions are to be given you, what books to call for, how to censure of new books, how to mew at the old, how to look in your tables and inquire for such and such Greek, French, Italian or Spanish Authors, whose names you have there, but whom your mother for pity would not give you so much wit as to understand. From thence you should blow yourself into the Tobacco-Ordinary, where you are likewise to spend your judgement (like a Quacksalver) upon that mystical wonder, to be able to discourse whether your Cane or your Pudding be sweetest, and which pipe has the best boar, and which ●urnes black, which breaks in the burning, etc. Or if you itch, to step into the Barbers, a whole Dictionary cannot afford more words to set down notes what Dialologues you are to maintain whilst you are Doctor of the Chair there. After your shaving, I could breathe you in a Fence-school, and out of that cudgel you into a Dancing School, in both which I could weary you by showing you more tricks than are in 5. galleries, or 15. prizes. And to close up the stomach of this feast, I could make Cockneys, whose fathers have left them well, acknowledge themselves infinitely beholden to me for teaching them by familiar demonstration, how to spend their patrimony, and to get themselves names when their fathers are dead and rotten. But lest too many dishes should cast you into a surfeit, I will now take away: yet so that if I perceive you relish this well, the rest shall be (in time) prepared for you.  
Farewell.   
FINIS.