A KNIGHTS Conjuring. Done in earnest: Discovered in jest.  
By Thomas Dekker.  
LONDON, Printed by T. C. for William Barley, and are to be sold at his Shop in Gracious street▪ 1607.   

TO THE VERY worthy Gentleman, Sir Thomas Glover, Knight.  
SIr, the love I owe your name (for some favours by me received from that noble-minded Gentleman (your kinsman) wh● is now employed upon an honourable voyage into Turkey) makes my labours presume they shall not be unwelcome to you. If you please to read me over, you shall find much moral matter in words merrily ●et down: and a serious subject enclosed in applications that (to some, whose salt of judgement is taken off) may appear but trivial and ridiculous. The stream of custom (which flows through all kingdoms amongst scholars in this fashion) bears me forward and up in this boldness: It being as common to seek patrons to books, as Godfathers to children. Yet the fashion of some patrons (especially those that dote more upon money, who is a common harlot; then on the Muses who are pure maids, but poor ones) is to receive books with cold hands & hot livers: they give nothing, and yet have red cheeks for anger, when any thing is given to them. I take you (Sir) to be none of that race: the world bestows upon you a more worthy Character. If the Art of my Pen can (by any better labour) heighten your name and memory, you shall find my love.  
Most ready to be all, yours, Tho: Dekker.   

To the Reader.  
AN Epistle to the Reader, is but the same property, that a link is to a man walking home late: he hopes by that, and good words (though he be examined) to pass without danger, yet when he comes to the gates, if he meet with a porter that is an Ass, or with a constable, that loves to lay about him with his staff of authority, more than he needs, then let the party, that stumbles into these provinces or puddles of ignorance, be sure either to be struck down with barbarism (which cutteth worse than a brown bill) or to be committed and have the severest censure laid upon him; let him be never so well and so civilly bound up in fair behaviour: though he be a man even printed in the best compliments of courtesy; though he give never so many and so sweet languages, yea and have all the light of understanding to lead him home; yet those Spirits of the night, will hale him away, and cast him into darkness. In the self-same scurvy manner do the world handle poor books: when a Reader is entreated to be courteous, he grows uncivil: if you sue to his worship, and give him the style of Candido Lector●; then he's proud, and cries mew: If you write merrily, he calls you Bu●●on; seriously, he swears such stuff cannot be yours. But the best is, that as in Spain you shall have fellows for a small piece of silver, take the Strappado, to endure which torture, another man could not be hired with a kingdom; so they that have once or twice lain upon the rack of public censure, of all other deaths, do least fear that upon the Press▪ Of that Wi●g  
I hold myself one: and therefore (Reader) do I once more stand at the mark of Criticism (and of thy bolt) to be shot at, I have Armour enough about me, that warrants me● not to be fearful, and yet so well tempered to my courage, that I will not be too bold. Envy (in these civil wars,) may hit me, but not hurt me: Calumny may wound my name, but not kill my labours; proud of which, my care is the less, because I can as proudly boast with the Poet, that Non 〈…〉 be ●words● mori.  
Tho: Dekker.   

A KNIGHTS Conjuring.  

CHAP. I.  
To enlarge Gold, there's a petition writ,  
The Devil knows not how to answer it:  
He chafes to come in print: In which mad Strain,  
(Roaring) he headlong runs to Hell again.  
IN one of those mornings of the year, wherein the Earth breathes out richer perfumes than those that prepare the ways of Princes: by the wholesomeness of whose Sent, the distempered winds (purging their able bodies) ran too and fro, whistling for joy through the leaves of trees; whilst the Nightingale sat on the branches complaining against lust; the Sparrow cherping on the tops of houses, proud that lust (which he loves) was maintained there: whilst sheep lay nibbling in the valleys, to teach men hu●mility; and goats climbing up to the tops of barren mountains, browzed there upon weeds and barks of trees, to show the misery of Ambition: Just at that time when Lambs were wanton as young wives, but not lascivious▪ when shepherds had care to feed their flocks, but not to fleece them: when the Lark had with his music called up the Sun, and the Sun with his light, started up the husband man: then, even ●hen, when it was a morning to tempt jove to leap from heaven, & to go a wenching; or to make wenc●●s leave their soft beds, to have green gowns given them in the fields. Behold on a sudden the caves where the most unruly and boisterous winds lay imprisoned, were violently burst open: they being got loose; the waters roared with fear of that insurrection, the element shot out thunder in disdain of their threatening: the sturdiest oaks were then glad to bow & stand quivering; only the haw-thorne & the briar for their humbleness were out of danger: So dreadful a fury lead forth this tempest, that had not the Rainebowt been a watermarke to the world, Men would have looked for a second Deluge: for shower came down so ●ast, as if all clouds had been distilled into water, & would have hid their curled heads in the Sea, whilst the waves (in corn to see themselves so beaten down) boiled up to such height, as if they meant that all men should swarm in heaven, and ships to sail in the Sky. To make these terrors more heavy, the Sun pulled in his head, and durst not be seen, darkness then in triumph, spread her pitchy wings, and lay upon all the earth: the blackness of Night was doubled upon high Noon: Beasts (being not wont to behold such sights,) bellowed and were mad: women ran out of their wits, children into their mother's bosoms: Men were amazed▪ and held up their hands to heaven, yet were verily persuaded that heaven was consumed to nothing, because they could not see it: but to put them out of that error, jove threw down his forked darts of lightning so thickly, that ●imple fellows swore there could be no more fire left in heaven: So that the world showed as if it had been half drowning, and half burning: the waters striving to have victory over the flames▪ and they sweeting as fast to drink dri● the waters. To conclude, this Tragedy was so long a playing, & was so dismal, the scene was so turbulent and was so affrighting: This battle of Elements, bred such another Chaos, that (not to be ashamed to borrow the words of so rare an English Spirit,) 
Did not GOD say  
Another Fiat, It had ne'er been day.   
The storm being at rest, what buying up of Almanacs was there to see if the weather-casters had played the Doctors to a hair, & told this terrible disease of Nature right or no: but there could be found no such matter: the celestial bodies for any thing St●r-ca●chers knew, were in very good health: the 12. Signs were not beaten down from any of the houses in heaven: the Sun looked with as cherry cheeks as ever he did: the Moon with as plump a face: It could not be found by all the figures which their Prognostications cast up their accounts by, that any such heavy reckoning was due to the wickedness of the world: whereupon all men stood staring one in another's face, not knowing how to turn this hard matter into good English. At length, the gunpowder was smelled out, and the train discovered. It was known for certain, that (though there was no pla●e lost) there was conjuring abroad, and therefore that was the damned devil in the vault that digged up all this mischief. But whereabouts think you, was this Conjuring? Mary it goes for currant all over Paul's churchyard (and I hope there comes no lies) that this Conjuring was about a Knight. It was not (let me tell you) a Knight of worship, or a Knight that goes by water, or rides by land to Westminster: but it was a Westminster-hall knight, a swearing knight, or (not to allow him that honour, for he is no true knight that cannot ●weare) this was a knight forsworn, a poor knight, a perjured knight, a knight of the Po●●. This yeoman of both Counters, had long ago been sen● with a letter to the Devil, but no answer could ever be heard off: so that some mad fellows laid their heads together, & swore to fetch him from Hell with a vengeance, and for that cause kept they thi● Conjuring.  
The occasion of sending the letter grew thus: the temple of the Muses (for want of looking to) falling to decay, & many (that seemed to hate Barbarism and ignorance) being desirous to set workmen about it, and to repair it, but having other buildings of their own in hand, utterly gave it over. A Common Council was therefore called of all those that lived by their wits, and such as were of the livery of Learning, amongst whom, it was found necessary, (sithence those that had money enough were loath to part from it,) that to ease the private puise, a general subsidy as it were, should be levied through all the World, for the raizing of such a competent Sum as might maintain the said alms-house of the Nine Sisters, in good fashion, and keep it from falling. The collectors of this money, laboured till they sweat, but the Harvest would not come in, nothing could be gathered. Gentlemen swore by their blood, & by the tombs of their ancestors, they would not lay out a penny: they had nothing to do (they said) with the Muses, they were mere strangers to them, and why should they be assessed to pay any thing towards the relief of such lazy companions? there was no wit in it. A number of Noble men were of the same opinion. As for Lawyers, they knew there was no Statute in any King's time, could compel them to disburse; & beside they were every day purchasing themselves, so that it were folly to look for any money from them. Soldiers swore by their Arms (which were most lamentably out at elbows) that they would be glad of money to bu●prouant: Peace they said, had made them beggar and suffered them almost to starve in her streets yet some of them went upon lame wooden legs, because their Country might go sound and upright upon their own: they (poor wretches) wanted Action, and yet had a number of Actions against them, yea & were ebbed so low, that Captains gave over their charges, & were lead by sergeant, no silver therefore could be coined out of them. scholars could have found in their hearts to have made money of their books, gowns, corner caps, & bedding, to have paid their share towards this work of Charity, but men held all that was theirs (how good soever,) in such vile contempt, that not even those who upon a good pawn will lend money to the Devil, (I mean Brokers) would to them part with any coin, upon any Interest, so much did they hate the poor wenches and their followers.  
This matter being openly complained upon, at the Parliament of the Gods, It was there presently enacted, that Apollo (out of whose brain Wisemen come into the world) should with all speed descend, and prevent this mischief: lest Sacred Knowledge, having her Intellectual soul banished from the earth, having no house to dwell in there, the earth should (as of necessity it would) turn into the first Chaos, and Men into Giants, to fight again with the Gods. Mercury likewise, for the same purpose, was forthwith sent from the whole Synod, as Ambassador to Plutus (who is mon●ymaister of those Low Countries of Limbo) to persuade him by all the eloquence that Hermes co●ld use, that Gold might be suffered to have a little more liberty: And that scholars for want of his sweet and royal company, might not be driven to walk in threadbare cloaks, to the dishonour of Learning; nor go all their life time with a lantern & candle to find the Philosopher's stone (out of which they are able if they could hit it, to strike such sparks of gold, that all the world should be the wa●mer for it, nay to beggar the judges) yet in the end to die arrant beggars themselves. For you must understand, that though the Muses are held of no reckoning here upon earth, but are set below the Salt, when Asses sit at the upper end of the table, yet are they borne of a heavenly race, and are most welcome guests even to the banquets of the Gods.  
The divine Singer (Apollo) according to the Decree of the Celestial upper House, is now alive come upon earth: the fountains of Science flow (by his influence) & swell to the brim: Bay trees to make garlands for Learning, are new set, and already are green, the Muses have fresh colours in their cheeks; their Temple is promised to be made more fair: there is good hope that Ignorance shall no longer wear Satin. But for all this, Mercury with all his Conjuring, cannot raise up the yellow spirit of Gold out of Hell, so perfectly as was expected: he puts up his bright & amiable face above ground, and shrincks it down again, ere one can ca●●●e him by the locks. Which mockery the world taking note of, a mad Greek that had drunk of the Holy water, and was full of the Divine Fury, taking a deep bowl of the heliconian liquor in his hands, did in a bravery write a Supplication in the behalf of Gold for his enlargement, vowing that he would spend all his blood into ink, and his brains to cotton, but he would have an answer, and not according to the manner of Suitors, be borne off with delays.  
The petition being engrossed, he thought none could run faster to hell, nor be sooner let in there, then either a Pander, a Broker, or a knight of the Post, had made choice therefore of the last because of his name, & sent it by him, who belike having much to do with the Devil, could not of a long time be heard of, and for that cause was all that Conjuring, which I spoke of before.  
Whereupon (entering into consideration, what shifts and shapes men run into, what baseness they put on, through what dangers they venture, hold much of their fames, their conscience, their lives, yea of their houses, they will lay out to purchase that piece of Heavenly earth (Gold,) the strange Magic of it drove me strait into a strange admiration. I perceived it to be a witchcraft beyond man's power to contend with: a Torrent whose winding creeks were not with safety to be searched out: a poison that had a thousand contrary workings on a thousand bodies: for it turns those that keep it prisoner in chests, into Slaves, and Idolaters, they make it their god and worship it; and yet even those that become such Slaves unto it, doth it make sovereign commanders over a world of people: some for the love of it would pluck down heaven, others to overtake it, run quick to hell. But (alas) if a good head hammer out these Irons with skill, they are not so hard: It is not so monstrous a birth to see Gol● create men so deformed: for this strumpet the world hath tricks as wanton as these: he that every night lies by the sides of one fairer than Vulcan's wife, hath been taken the next morning in the Sheets of a Blackamoor: Nay even in those currants that run fullest of Ceremony, there's a flowing over of Apishnes and folly: for (like Riders of great horses) all our Courses are but Figures of 8: the end of one giddy Circle, is but a falling into a worse, & that to which on this day we allow a religious observance, to morrow do we make the self-same thing ridiculous, For you see at the end of great Battles we fall to bury the dead, and at the end of Burials, we sit down to Banquets: when banquets have been played about, Drinking is the next weapon; from the fire o● drinking, flames out Quarrel; Quarrel breaks forth into Fight, and the stream of Fight runs into Blood.  
This Forest of Man and beast (the World) being then so wild, and the most perfect Circles of it, drawn so irregualler 〈◊〉 It can be no great sauciness in me, if snatching the Constable's staff out of his hand, I take upon me to make a busy privy s●●rch in the Suburbs of Satan, for the supplication-caryer, and to publish the answer to the world, that should come with him. Into the which troublesome sea, I am the more desperately bold to launch forth, & to hoist up the full sails of my invention, because (as Rumour goes gossipping up and down) great wagers were laid in the world, etc.: that when the supplication was sent, it would not be received, or if received, it would not be read over; or if read over, it would not be answered: ●or Mammon being the god of no beggars, but Burgomasters & rich Cormorants, was worse thought of then he deserved: Every man that did but pass through Paul's churchyard, & had but a glance at the title of the petition, would have betted ten to five, that the Devil would hardly, (like a Lawyer in a busy Term) be spoken with, because his Client had not a penny to pay Fees, 
The Devil ●he b●st fe●●er, & very apt to quarrel.  but sued in Forma pauperis.  
Had it been a Challenge, it is clear, he would have answered it: for he was the first that kept a Fence school, when Cayn was alive, and taught him that Embrocado, by which he killed his brother: Since which time, he hath made ten thousand Freeschollers as cunning as cain. At sword and buckler, little Davy was no body to him, and as for Rapier & Dagger, the German may be his journeyman. Mary the question is, in which of the Playhouses he would have performed his Prize, if it had grown to blows, & whether the money being gathered, he would have cozende the Fencers, or the Fencers him, because Hell being under every one of their Stages, the Players (if they had owed him a spite) might with a false trap-door have slipped him down, & there have kept him as a laughingstock to all their yawning Spectators. Or had his I●●er●allship been arrested to any action how great so ever, all the Law in Westminster●hall could not have kept him from appearing to it (for the Devil scorns to be nonsuited) he would have answered that too: 
He can se●●on● to picad for him.  But the mischief would have been, where should he have got any that would have pleaded for him? who could have endured to see such a damnable Cliant every morning in his chamber? what waterman (for double his fare) would have landed him at the Temple, 
He keeps no Watermen.  but rather have struck in at White-Fryers, & left him there a shore with a Pox to him? Tush: there was no such matter, the stream he was to enter into, was not so dangerous, this coiner of Light Angels knew well enough how the Exchange went, he had but bare words lent unto him, and to pay bare words again (though with some Interest) it could be no loss.  
He resolved therefore to answer his humble Orator: But being himself no● brought up to learning (for the Devil can neither write not read) yet he has been at all the Universities in Christendom, & thrown damnable Heresies (like bo●es for dogs to gnaw upon, amongst the Doctors themselves:) but having no skill but in his own Horn book, it troubled his mind where he should get a penman 
〈…〉  fit for his tooth to scribble for him, all the Scriveners i●th town he had at his beck, but they were so set a work with making bonds between Usurers and Vnthristy heirs, between Marcha●ts and Tradesmen, (that to cozen and undo others, turn Bank-rowtes themselves, and defeat Cred●●ouis) and with drawing close conveyances between Landlords and Bawds, that now sit no longer upon the skirts of the City, but jest up up and down, even in the cloak of the City, and give more rent for a house, than the proudest London occupyer of them all, that Don Lucifer was loath to take them from their Noverints, because in the end he knew they were but his Factors, and that he should be a part-owner in their lading, himself; lawyers clarks were so durtied up to the hams, with trudging up & down to get pelf, & with fishing for gudgeons, and so wrung poor ignorant Clients purses, with exacting unreasonable Fees, that the Paye-maister of Perdition would by no means take them from their wide lines, and bursten-bellied straggling ●ffs, but stroking them under the chins, called them his white boys, and told them he would empty the ynkepot of some others.  
Whether then marches Monsieur Malefico? Mary to all the writing Schoolmasters of the town, he took them by the fists, and lik'de their hands exceedingly (for some of them had ten or twelve several hands, and co●ld counterfeit any thing, but perceiving by the copies of their countenances, that for all their good letters, they writ abominable bad English, & that the world would think the Devil a Dunce, if there came false Orthographic from him (though ●here be no truth in his budget) away he gallops from those tell-tales (the schoolmasters) damning himself to the pit of Hell, if any scribbling petition writer, should ever get a good word at his hands.  
I hearing this, and fearing that the poor Suppliant should lose his longing, and be sent away with Sinihilattuleris, resolved to do that for nothing, which a number would not for any money.  
I sell to my ●ooles, (pen, ink, and paper) roundly, but the Headward●n of the Horners (signor Beco Dia●olo) after he had cast up what lay in his stomach, suspecting that I came rather as a spy to betray him, then as a spirit to run of his errands, and that I was more likely to have him to Barber Surgeons hall, there to Anatomize him, then to a Barber's shop to trim him neatly, would by no means have the answer go forward: Notwithstanding, having examined him upon Interrogatories, and thereby sifting him to the very bran, I swore by Helicon, (which he could never abide) that because 'tis out of fashion to bring a Devil upon the Stage, be should (spite of his spitting fire and Brimstone,) be a Devil in print. Enraged at which, he fling away in a fury, and leapt into Barathrum, whilst I mustered all my wits about me, to fight against this Captain of the damned Crew, and discover ●is Stratagems.   

CHAP. II.  
Don Luciser● acquaintance soon is got,  
At London or at Westminster: where not?  
Hell's Map is drawn, In which it does appear,  
Where Hell does lie, and who they are, live there.  
WOnder is the daughter of Ignorance, none bu●●ooles will marvel, how I and this Grand Sophy of the whore of Babylon came to be to familiar together, or how we met, or how I knew where to find him, or what Charms I carried about me whilst I talked with him, or where (if one had occasion to use his Diuellsh●p) a Porter might fetch him with a wet finger.  
Tush, these are silly inquisitions; his acquaintance is more cheap, than a common Fiddlers; his lodging is more known than an English bawds, 
The devils Rendezvous.  a midwives, or a physicians; and his walks more open to all Nations, than those upon the Exchange, where at every step a man is put in mind of Babel, there is such a confusion of languages. For in the Term time, my Cavailiero Cornuto runs sweeting up & down between Temple bar & Westminster hall, in the habit of a knight Errand, a swearing knight, or a knight of the Post: All the Vacation you may either meet him at the dicing Ordinaries, like a Captain, at Cockpits, like a young country Gentleman; or else at Bowling-Alleys in a flat cap, like a shopkeeper: every market day you may take him in Cheap aside, poorly attired like an Engrosser, and in the afternoons, in the two penya rooms of a Playhouse, like a Puny, seated Check by jowl with a Punk: In the heat of Summer he commonly turns Intelligencer, and carries tales between the Archduke and the Grave: In the depth of Winter, he sits tippling with the Flemings in their towns of Garrison.  
Having therefore (as Chambermaids use to do for their Lady's faces over night) make ready my colours, the pencil being in my hand, my Card lined, my Needle (that caper's over two and thirty points of the Compass) touched to the quick, East, West, North, and Sout●, the four Trumpeters of the World, that never blow themselves out of breath, like four dropsy Dutch Captains standing Sentinels in their quarters, I will ingenuously and boldly give you the Map of a country, that lies lower than the 17. valleys of Be●gia, yea lower then the Coalpits of New castle, is far more dark, far more dreadful, and fuller of knavery, than the Colliers of those fireworks are.  
The name of this strange Country is Hell, 
Description of Hell.  In disovery of which, the Quality of the kingdom, the condition of the Prince, the estate of the people, the Traffic thither, (marry no transporting of goods from thence) shall be painted to the life. It is an Empire, that lies under the Torria Zone, and by that means is hotter at Christmas, then 'tis in Spain or France (which are counted plaguy hot Countries) at Midsummer, or in England when the Dogge-days bite sorest: for to say truth (because 'tis sin to belie t'i●s● Dinell) the Universal Region is built altogether upon Stoves and Hotte-houses, you cannot set loote into it, but you have a Fieri facias served upon you: for like the Glass-house Furnace in Blackfriar's, the bonfires that are kept there, never go out; insomuch that all the Inhabitants are almost broiled like Carbonadoes with the sweatting sickness, but the best is, (or rather the worst) none of them die on't.  
And such dangerous hot shortes are all the women there, that whosoever meddles with any of them is sure to be burnt: It stands farther off then the Indies: yet to see the wonderful power of Navigation, if you have but a side-wind, you may ●aile sooner thither, than a married man can upon St; Luke's day to Cuckold's haven, from St: Katherins, which upon sound experience, and ●y the opinion of many good Mariners, may be done in less than haife an hour. If you travel by land to it, the ways a●e de●icate, even, spacious, and very fair, but toward the end● very fowl: the paths are beaten more ba●e than the living; of Churchmen. Y●u never, turn, when you are traveling thither, but keep altogether on the left hand, so that you cannot lose yourself, unless you desperately do it of purpose.  
The miles are not half so long as those between Colchester & Ipswich in England, nor a quarter so dirty in the wrath of Winter, as your Fren●● miles are at the fall of the leaf.  
Some say, it is an Island, embrac'de about with certain Rivers, called the waters of Sorrow: Others prove by infallible Demonstration, that 'tis a Continent, but so little beholding to Heaven, that the Sun never comes amongst them.  
How so ever it be, this is certain, 
What Persont are there  that 'tis exceeding rich, for all Usurers both jews and Christians, after they have made away their Souls for money here, meet with them there again: You have of all Trades, of all Professions, of all States some there: you have Popes there, aswell as here: Lords there, as well as here: Knights there, as well as here: Aldermen there, as well as here: Ladies there, as well as here: Lawyers there, as well as here: Soldiers march there by millions, so do Citizens, so do Farmers, very few Poets can be suffered to live there, the Colonel of Conjurers drives them out of his Circle, because he fears they'll write Libels against him: yet some pitiful fellows (that have faces like fire-drakes, but wits cold as whetstones, and more blunt) not Poets indeed, but ballad makers, rub out there, & write Infernals: Marry players swarm there as they do here, whose occupation being smelled out, by the Cacodaemon, or head Officer of the Country, to be lucrative, he purposes to make up a company, and to be chief sharer himself, De quibus su● loc●, of whose doings you shall hear more by the next Carrier: but here's the mischief, you may find the way thither, though you were blinder than Super stition, you may be set ashore there, for less than a Sculler's fare: Any Vintner's boy, that has been cupbearer to one of the 7. deadly sins but half his years, any Merchant of maidenheads, that brings commodities out of Virginia, can direct you thither: But neither they, nor the weather-beatenst Cosmographical Starre-catcher of 'em all, can take his oath, that it lies just under such an Horizon, whereby many are brought into a fools Paradise, by gladly believing that either there's no such place at all, or else that 'tis built by Enchantment, and stands upon Fairy ground, by reason such pinching and nipping is known to be there, and that how well-favoured soever we depart hence, we are turned to Changelings, if we tarry there but a minute.  
These Territories, notwithstanding of Tartary, will I undermine and blow up to the view of all eyes, the black and dismal shores of this Phlegetonticke Ocean, shallbe in ken, as plainly as the white (now unmaidend breasts of our own Island) China, Peru, and Cartagena, were never so ri●led: the win of Cales, was nothing to the winning of this Troy that's all on fire: the very bowels of these Infernal Antipodes, shallbe ripped up, and pulled out, before that great Diego of Devils his own face: Nay, since my flag of defiance is hung forth, I will yield to no truce, but with such Tamburlaine-like fury, march against this great Turk, and his legions, that Don Beelzehub shall be ready to dam himself, and be horn-mad: for with the conjuring of my pen, all Hell shall break loose.  
Assist me therefore, thou Genius of that venturous, but jealous Musician of Thrace (Euridices husband,) who being besotted on his wife, (of which sin none but Cuckolds should be guilty) went alive (with his Fiddle at's back) to see if he could bail her out of that Adamantine prison; the fees he was to pay for her, were jigs and country dances: he paid them: the forfeits, if he put on yellow stockings, & looked back upon her, was her everlasting lying there, without bail or Mayne-prize: the loving Coxcomb could not choose but look back, and so lost her, (perhaps he did it, because he would be rid of her.) The Moral of which is, that if a man leave his own business, and have an eye to his wives doings, she'll give him the slip, though she run to the Devil for her labour. Such a journey (sweet Orpheus) am I to undertake, but jove forbid my occasion should be like thine, for if the Marshal himself should rake Hell for wenches, he could not find worse, (no nor so bad) there, as are here upon earth. It were pity that any woman should be damned, for she would have tricks (once in a moon,) to put the Dive I out of his wits. Thou (most clear throated singlngman,) with thy Harp, (to the twinkling of which, inferior Spirits skipped like goats ou● the Welsh mountains) hadst privilege, because tho● wert a Fiddler to be saucy, & to pass and repass through every room and into every noo● 〈◊〉 the devils wine-celler: Inspire me therefore with thy cunning that carried thee thither, and thy courage that brought thee from thence, teach me which way thou wentest in, and how thou scapt'st out, guide me in true fingering, that I may strike those tunes which thou play'dst, (every dinner and supper) before that Emperor of low Germany, and the brabbling States under him: Lucifer himself danced a Lancashire Hornpipe, whilst thou wert there. If I can but Harp upon thy string, he shall now for my pleasure tickle up the Spanish Pavin. I will call upon no Midwives to help me in those Throws, which (after my brains are fallen in labour) I must suffer, (yet Midwives may be had up at all hours,) nor upon any conjuror, (yet Conjurers thou knowst, are fellow and fellowlike, with Mounsieur Malediction, as Punks are, who raise him likewise up continually in their Circaean Circles) or as Brokers are, who both day and night study the black Art: No, no, (thou Mr: of thy Musical company,) I sue to none, (but to thee, because of thy Pricksong:) For Poetry (like Honesty and old Soldiers) goes upon lame feet, unless there be music in her.  
But the best is, Facilis descensus Auerni, It's but slipping down a hill, and you shall fall into the devils lap presently. And that's the reason, (because his Sinfulness is so double diligent, as to be at your elbow with a call, wherein he gives good examples to Drawers, if they had grace to follow his steps) that you swallow down that News first, which should be eaten last: For you see at the beginning, the Devil is read●e to open his mouth for an Answer, before his hour is come to be set to the Bar.  
Since therefore, a Tale of the whole voyage would make any liquorish mouthed News-monger like his lips after it, no man's teeth shall water any longer, he shall have it; for a very brief Chronicle shall be gathered, of all the memorable occurrents, that presented themselves to the view of our wandering Knight in his journey, the second part of Erra Pater's Almanac, whose shoes Plato's Cap was not worthy to wipe, shall come forth, and without lying, (as you Calendermongers use to do,) tell what weather we had all the way he went, to a drop of rain: we will not lose him from the first minute of his jumping a ship-bo●●d, to the last of his leaping a shore, and arrival at Tamor Cham's Court (his good Lord and Master) the Devil.   

CHAP. III.  
Hell's Post through London rides: by a mad crew,  
he's called into a Tavern: In which view  
They drink and rail: each of them by the Post  
Sends a strange message to his Father's Ghost.  
THe Post therefore, having put up his packet, blows his horn, & gallops all the way like a Citizen, so soon as ever he's on horseback, down to Billingsgate, for he meant when the Tide served to angle for Souls, and some other fresh fish in that goodly fishpond the Thames, as he passed over it, in Gravesend-barge: that was the water-coach he would ride in, there he knew he should meet with some voluntaries that would venture along with him: In this passage through the City, what a number of Lord Mayor, Alderman's, and rich Commoners sons & heirs kept hollowing out at Tavernwindows to our knight, and wafted him to their Gascoigne shores, with their hats only (for they had molten away all their feathers) to have him strike fail, and come up to them: he veiled, and did so: their fantastic salutations being complemented, with much entreaty (because he stood upon thorns) he was advanced (in regard of his Knighthood) to the upper end of the b●ord: you must take out your writing tables, and note by the way, that every room of the house was a Cage full of such wild fowl, Et crimine ab uno disce omnes, cut up one, cut up all, they were birds all of a beak, not a Woodcock's difference among twenty dozen of them; every man had before him a bale of dice, by his side a brace of Punks, & in his fist a nest of bowls. It was springtide sure, for all were full to the brims, with French being turned into English, (for they swum up and down the River of Bordeaux) signified thus much, that dicing, drinking, and drabbing, (like the three seditious jews in jerusalem,) were the civil plagues that very uncivilly destroyed the Sons (but not the sins) of the City.  
The blood of the grape coming up into their cheeks, it was hard to judge, whether they blushed to see themselves in such a pickle, or looked red with anger, one at another: but the troth is, their faces would take any dye but a blush ●colour, and they were not made of the right mettle of courage to be angry, but their wits (like wheels in Brunswick clocks) being all wound up, so far as they could stretch, were all going, but not one going truly.  
For some cursed their birth, some their bringing up, some railed upon their own Nation, others upon Strangers. At the last, one of these Acolasti, playing at doublets with his pue-fellowe, (which they might well do, being almost driven to their shirts,) and hearing upon what Theme the rest sung Ex tempore, out-draws his poniard, and stabbing the tables, as if he meant to have murdered the thirty men, swore he could find in his heart to go presently (having drunk upsy Dutch,) & piss even upon the Curmudgion his Father's grave: for, says he, no man has more undone me, than he that has done most for me, i'll stand to't, it's better to be the son of a Cobbler, then of a common council man: if a cobblers son and heir run out at heels, the whoreson patch may mend himself; but we, whose friends leave us well, are like howre-glasses turned up, though we be never so full, we never leave running, till we have emptied ourselves, to make up the mouths of slaves, that for gain are content to lie under us, like Spaniels, fawning, and receive what falls from our superfluity. Who ●reedes this disease, in our bones? Whores? No, alack let's do them right, 
Wise mothers make foolish children.  'tis not their fault, but our mothers, our cockering mothers, who for their labour make us to be called Cockneys, or to hit it home indeed, those golden Asses our Fathers.  
It is the old Man, it is Adam, that lays a curse upon his Posterity: As for my Dad, 'tis well known, he had hips reeling at Sea, (the unlading of which gives me my load now, and makes me stagger on land,) he had ploughs to tear up dear years out of the guts of the earth i'th' country, and Yeoman's sons, North countrymen, fellows (that might have been Yeomen of the Guard for feeding) great boys with beards, whom he took to be Prentices, (mary never any of them had the grace to be free,) and those lads like Sarieants) tore out men's throats for him to got money in the City: he was richer than Midas, but more wretched than an Alchumist: so covetous that in gardning time, because he would not be at the cost of a load of Earth, he par'de not his nails for seven years together, to the intent the dirt that he filched under them, should serve for that purpose: So that they hung over his Fingers, like so many shooing-hornes: do but imagine how far ever any man ventured into hell for money, and my Father went a foot farther by the standard, and why did he this, think you? he was so sparing, that he would not spend so much time as went to the making up of another child, so that all was for me, he cozened young Gentlemen of their Land, only for me, had acres mortgaged to him by wiseacres, for ●. hundred pounds, paid in hobby-horses, dogs, bells, and lute-strings, which if they had been sold by the dru●, or at an out-rop, with the cry, of No man better? would never have yielded 50. li. and this he did only for me, he built a Pharos, or rather a Block-house beyond the gallows at Wapping, to which the black fleet of Cole-carriers that came from Newcastle, struck fail, were brought a bed, and discharged their great bellies there, like whores in hugger-mugger, at the common price, with twelve pence in a chauldern over & above, thereby to make the common wealth blow her nails till they ak'de for cold, unless she gave money to sit by his fire, only for me: the poor cursed him with bell, book and candle, till he looked blacker with their execration, 
Miserable fathers make wretched sons.  them if he had been blasted, but he car'de not what dogs barked at him, so long as they bit not me: his housekeeping was worse than an Irish Kerns, a Rat could not commit a Rape upon the paring of a moldy cheese, but he died for't, only for mysake, the lean lade Hungarian would not lay out a penny pot of sack for himself, though he had eaten stinking fresh herring able to poison a dog, only for me, because his son & heir should drink eggs and muscadine, when he lay rotting.  
To conclude, he made no conscience, to run quick to the Devil of an errand, so I had sent him. Might not my father have been begged (think you) better than a number of scurvy things that are begged? I am persuaded, fools would be a rich Monopoly, if a wise man had 'em in hand: would they had begun with him, I'll be sworn, he was a fat one: for had he filled my pockets with silver, and the least corner of my coxcomb with wit how to save that silver, I might have been called upon by this, whereas now I am ready to give up my cloak: Had he set me to Gr●ner-schoo●e, as I set myself to dancing school, in stead of treading Carontoes, & making Fiddlers fat with rumps of capons, I had by this time read Homilies, and fed upon Tith-pigs of my own v●caridge, whereas now, I am ready to get into the Prodigals service, and cat loves nuts, that's to say, Acorns with swine: But men that are wisest for officers, are commonly errand woodcocks, for Fathers: He that provides living for his child, and robs him of learning, turns him into a Beetle, that flies from perfumes and sweet Odours, to feed on a cow-sheard; all such rich men's darlings are either christened by some left-handed Priest, or else born under a threepeny Planet, and then they'll never be worth a groat, though they were left Landlords of the Indies. I confess, when all my golden veins were shrunk up, & the bottom of my Patrimony came within 200. pound of unraveling, I could for all that have been dubbed: But when I saw how mine uncle played at chess, I had no stomach to be knighted. Why, says the Post? Mary quoth he, because when I prepared to fight a battle on the Chessboard, a Knight was always better than a Pawn: but the Usurer mine uncle made it plain, that a good pa●ne now was better than a Knight.  
At this the whole Chorus, summos movere Cachinnos, laughed till they grind again, and called for a fresh gallon, all of them falling on their knees, & drawing out silver & guilt rapiers, the only monuments that were left of hundreds & thousands in Pecunijs numeratis. swore they would drink up these in deep Healths, to their howling Fathers, so they might be sure the pledging should choke them, because they brought them into the Inn of the World, but left them not enough to pay their riotous reckonings, at their going out.  
The knight was glad he should carry such welcome news with him, as these, to the cloven-footed Synagogue, & tickled with immoderate joy, to see the world run upon such rotten wheels. Whereupon pleading the necessity of his departure, he began first to run over his Alphabet of Congees, & then with a French Basilez, slipped our of their company.  
But they knowing to what cape he was bound, bung upon him, like so many beggars on an Almoner, importing, and conjuring him, by the love he did owe to Knighthood, and Arms, and by his oath, to take up doun-cast Ladies, whom they had there in their companies, and whom they were bound in Nature & humanity to relieve: that he would signify to their fathershow course the thread of life fell out to be now towards the Fag en●e: therefore, if any of them had (inth'daies of 〈◊〉 abomination, and idolatry to money) bound the spirit of gold, by any charms, in Caves, or in iron setters under the ground, they should for their own souls quiet, (which questionless else would whine up & down) if not for the good of their children, release it, to set up their decayed estates. Or if there had been no such conjuring in their life times, that they would take up money of the Devil (though they forfeited their bonds, and lay by it for ever, or else get leave with a keeper, to try how much they might be trusted for among their old customers upon earth, though within two days after, they proved Bankrupts by Proclamation. The Postmaster of Hell plainly told them, that if any so seditious a fellow as Golge, were cast in prison: their fathers would never give their consent to have him ransomed: because there's more greediness among them below, then can be in the Hyeland-countreys' above: so that if all the Lordships in Europe were ofsfred in Mortgage for a quarter their value, not so much as 13. pence half penny can be had from thence, though a man would hang himself for it: And as for their Father's walking abroad with keepers, alas they lie there upon such heavy Ex●cutions, that they cannot get out for their souls. He counsels them therefore to draw arrows out of another quiver, for that those marks stand out of their reach, the ground of which counsel, they all vow to traverse: Some of them resolving to cast out liquorish baits, to catch old▪ (but fleshly) wealthy widows, the fire of which Sophysticated love, they make account shall not go out, so long as any drops of gold can be distilled from them: Others swear to live and die in a man of W●re, though such kind of Thievery be more stale than Seabeefe: the rest that have not the hearts to shed blood, having reasonable stocks of wit, means to employ 'em in the sins of the Suburbs, though the Poxelyes there as death's Legyer: For since● Man is the clock of Time, they'll all be times Sextens, and set the Dial to what hours they list.  
Our Vaunt' currer applauded the lots which they drew for themselves, and offered to pay some of the Tavern Items: but they protesting he should not spend a Baw-bee, as he was true knight consedere Deuces, they sat down to their Wine, and he hasted to the water.   

CHAP. FOUR  
Hell's Post lands at Gravesend: see's Dunkirk, France,  
And Spain: then up to Venice does advance:  
At last he comes to the Bankside of Hell:  
Of Charon and his boat, strange news doth tell.  
BY this time is he landed at Gravesend, (for they whom the Devil drives, feel no Lead at their heels,) what stuff came along with him in the Barge, was so base in the weaving, that 'tis too bad to be set out to sale: It was only Luggadge, therefore throw it overboard. From thence hoisting up sail into the Main, he struck in among the Dunkirks, where he encountered such a number of all Nations, with the dregs of all Kingdoms, vices dropping upon them, and so like the Blacke-Gentleman his Master, that he had almost thought himself at home, so near do those that lie in Garrison there, resemble the Desperuatoes that fill up Plut●es Muster-book: But his head beating on a thousand Anvils, the scolding of the Cannon drew him speedily from thence: So that creeping up along by the rank Flemish shores (like an eves dropper) to whisper out what the brabbling was, he only set down a note for his memory, that the States sucking Poison out of the sweet flowers of Peace, but keeping their coffers sound and healthful by the bitter Pills of War, made their country a pointing stock to other Nations, and a miserable Anatomy to themselves.  
The next place he called in at, 
Fashions borne in France, and sent to be nursed in England.  was France, where the Gentlemen, to make Apes of Englishmen, whom they took daily practising all the foolish tricks of fashions after their Mounsieur-ships, with yards in steed of Leading staves, mustered all the French Tailors together, who, by reason they had thin hair, wore thimbles on their heads, in stead of I 〈◊〉 caps, every man being armed with his 〈…〉 Iron, which he calls there his goose (〈◊〉▪ of them being in France: All the crosse-capere●s b●●ing placed in strong ranks, and an excellent o●ation cut out and stitched together, persuading them to sweat out their brains, in devising new cuts, new french collars, new french codpieces, and new french panes in honour of Saint Dennys, only to make the gydd●-pated Englishman consume his revenues, in wearing the like clothes, which on his back at the least, can show but like cast suits, being the second edition, whilst the poor French peasant jets up & down, (like a Pantaloon) in the old theed-bare claoke of the Englishman, so that we● buy fashions of them to feather our pride, and they borrow rags from us to cover their beggary. 
Pride the Spaniards bastard, kephere.  The Spaniard was so busy in touching heaven with a lance, that our Knight of the burning shield, could not get him at so much leisure, as to eat a dish of Pilchers with him. The gulf of Venice he purposes shall therefore swallow a few hours of his observation, where he no sooner sets sooting on shore, but he encounters with Lust, so civilly suited, as if it had been a merchants wife: 
Lust the Italians mistress, is now common with the E●glishman.  whoremongers there, may●vtter their commodities as lawfully as Costermongers here, they are a company as free, and have as large privileges for what they do, as any of the twelve Companies in London. In other countries Lechery is but a Chambermaid: Here, a great Lady: she's a retaylor, and has warrant to sell souls, and other small wares, under the Seal of the City: Damnation has a price set upon it, and dares go to Law for her own: For a Courtesans action of the Case, will hold aswell as a usurers plea of debt, for ten i'th' hundred. If Bridewell stood in Venice, a golden key (more easily than a picklock) would open all the doors of it: For Lechery here lies night and day with one of Pride's daughters (Liberty) and so far is the infection of this Pestilence spread, that every boy there has much harlot in his eyes: Religion goes all in changeable silks, and wears as many masks as she does colours: Churches stand like Rocks, to which very few approach, for fear of shipwreck.  
The seven deadly sins, are there in as great authority, 
Dronkenues hath 〈◊〉 a from the Low countries into great Britain.  as the seven Electors in Germeny, and women in greater than both: In so much as drunkenness, which was once the Dutchman's headache, is now become the englishman's: so ielouzy, that at first was whipped out of Hell, because the tormented even Devils, lies now every hour in the Venetians bosom: Every Noble man grows there like a Beech tree, for a number of beasts couch under his shade: every Gentleman aspires rather to be counted great then good, weighing out good works by pounds, & good deeds by drams: their promises are Eves, their performances holidays, for they work hard upon the one, and are idle on the other. Three things there are dog-cheap, learning, poor men's sweat, and oaths: Farmers in that country are pe●●ie Tyrants, and Landlords Tyrants over those Farmers, Epicu●es grow as fat there, as in England, for you shall have a slave eat more at a meal, than ten of the Guard, & drink more in two days, than all Maning-tree does at a Whitsun-ale. Our Rank●yder of the Stygian borders seeing how well these Pupils profited under their Italian Schoolmaster, and that all countries lived obedient to the Luciferan ●awes, resolved to change Post-horse no more, but to conclude his Peregrination, having seen fashions, and gotten Tabletalk enough by his travel. In a few minutes therefore is he come to the bankside of Acheron, where you are not baited at by whole kennels of yelping watermen, as you are at Westminster-bridge, and ready to be torn in pieces to have two pence rowed out of your purse: no, Shipwrights there could hardly live, there's but one boat, and in that one Charon is the only Ferryman, so that if a Cales Knight should bawl his heart out, he cannot get a pair of oars there, to do him grace with (I ply'de your Worship first,) but must be glad to go with a Sculler: By which means, though the fare be small (for the waterman's wages was at first but a halfpenny, than it came to a penny, 'tis now mended, and is grown to three hal●e pence, for all things wax dear in Hell, as well as upon earth, by reason 'tis so populous,) yet the gains of it are greater in a quarter, than ten Western Bugs get in a year: Dotchet Ferry comes nothing near it.  
It is for all the world, like Gravesend Barge: and the passengers privileged alike, for there's no regard of age, of sex, of beauty, of riches, of valour, of learning, of greatness, or of birth: He that comes in first, sits no better than the last.  
Will summers gives not Richard the third the cushions, the Duke of Guyze & the Duke of Shoreditche have not the bradth of a bench between them, jane Shore and a goldsmiths wife are no better one than another.  
Kings and Clowns, 
Mors Scep●●●, Legioni●●● aquat.  Soldiers and Cowards, Churchmen and Sextons, Aldermen and Cobblers, are all one to Charon: For his Naulum, Lucke (the old Recorders fool) shall have as much mat, as Sir Lancelot of the Lake: He knows, though they had an oar in every man's Boat in World, 
The Waterman of Hell, is, as Churlish a knave, as our Waterman.  yet in his they cannot challenge so much as a stretcher: And therefore (though he sails continual with wind and Tide, (he makes the proudest of them all to stay his leisure. It was a Comedy, to see what a crowding (as if it had been at a new Play,) there was upon the Acheronticque Strand, (so that the Post was fain to ●arry his turn, because he could not get near enough the shore: He purposed therefore patiently to walk up and down, till the Coast was clear, and to note the condition of all the passengers. Amongst whom there were Courtiers, 
The Passengers.  that brought with 'em whole Trunks of apparel, which they had bought, and large patents for Monopolies which they had begged: Lawyers laden with leases, & with purchased Lordships, Churchmen so pursy & so windless with bearing three or four Church li●ings, that they could scarce speak: Merchants laden with gabs of gold, for which they had robbed their Prince's Custom: Scholars with Aristotle and Ramus in cloak-bags, (as if they meant to pull down the Devil) in disputation, being the subtilest Logician, but full of Sophistry: Captains, some in guilt armour (vnbat●red,) some in buff Ie●kens, plated o'er with massy silver lace, (razed out of the ashes of dead pay,) & bankrupt citizens, in swarms like porters, sweeting basely under the burdens of that, for which other men had sweat honestly before. All which (like Burghers in a netherlands town taken by Freebooters,) were compelled to throw down bag and baggage, before they could have passport to be shipped into the Flemish Hoy of Hell: For if every man should be suffered to carry with him out of the world, that which he took most delight in, it were enough to drown him, and to cast away the Vessel he goes in: Charon therefore strips them of all, and leaves them more bare than Irish beggars: And glad they were (for all their howling to see themselves so fleeced,) that for their silver they could have wa●tage over. In therefore they thrung, some wading up to the knees, and those were young men: they were loath to make too much haste, swearing they came thither before their times.  
Some, up to the middles, & those were women, they seeing young men go before them, were ashamed not to venture farther than they. Others waded to the chin, & those were old men, they seeing their gold taken from them, were desperate, and would have drowned themselves; but that Charon slipping his Oar under their bellies, tossed them out of the water, into his Wherry. The boat is made of nothing but the worm-eaten ribs of coffins, 
The stuff of which the Wherry is made.  nailed together, with the splinters of fleshless shinbones, digged out of graves, being broken in pieces. The skulls that he rows with, are made of Setxons spades, which had been hung up at the end of some great plague, the bench he sits upon, a rank of dead men's skulls. The worst of them having been an Emperor, as great as Charlemagne: And a huge heap of their beards serving for his cushion: the Mast of the hot is an arm of an Yew tree, whose boughs (in stead of Rosemary) had wont to be worn at burials? The sail, two patched winding sheets, wherein a Broker & an Usurer had been laid: for their linen, will last longest, because it comes commonly out of Lavender, and is seldom worn.  
The waterman himself is an old grisly-faced fellow: a beard filthier than a Baker's malkin that he sweeps his oven, 
What manner of fellow the sculler is.  which hung ●ull of knotted Elf-locks, and serves him for a Swabber in fowl weather to cleanse his Hulk: A pair of eyes staring so wide (by being bleared with the wind) as if the lids were lifted up with gags to keep them open: More salt Rew maticke water runs out of them, than would pickle all the Herrings that shall come out of Yarmouth: A pair of hands so hard and scaled over with dirt, that Passengers think he weaves Gauntlets, and more stinkingly musty are they then the fists of Night-men, or the fingers of bryb●rie, which are never clean: His breath belches out nothing but rotten damps, which lie so thick and foggy on the face of the Waters, that his Fare is half choked, ere they can get to Land: The Sea-coal furnaces of ten Brew-houses, make not such a smoke, nor the Tallow pans of fifteen Chandler's (when they melt,) send out such a smell; he's dreadful in looks, and currish in language, yet as kind as a Courtier where he takes. He ●its in all storms bore headed, 
His appar●●●.  for if he had a cap, he would not put if off to a Pope: A gown girt to him (made all of Wolves skins) tanned, (figuring his greediness) but worn out so long, that it has almost worn away his elbows: he's thick of hearing to them that sue to him, but to those against whose wills he's sent for, a Fiddler ●eares not the crecking of a window sooner.  
As touching the River, look how ' Mooreditche shows, when the water is three-quarters out, and by reason the stomach of it is overloaded, is ready to fall to casting, so does that, it stinks almost worse, is almost as poisonous, altogether so muddy, altogether so black: In taste very bitter, (yet to those that know how to distill these deadly waters,) very wholesome.   

CHAP. V.  
The Post and Charon talk, as Charon rows,  
He Fees Helis Porter, an● then on he goes:  
Sessions in Hell: Souls brought unto the bar,  
Arraigned and judged, A Catalogue who they are.  
CHaron, having discharged his ●raight, the Packet carrier (that all this while waited on the other side,) cried A boat, a boat: His voice was known by the Tune, and (weary though he were,) over to him comes our Ferryman. To whom (●o soon as ever ever he was let (Charon complains what a bawling there has been, with what Fares he has been posted, and how much tugging (his boat being so twack●) he has split one of his Oars, and broken his Bid●ook, so that he can row but lazily till it be mended.  
And were it not that the Souls pays excessive Rent for dwelling in the body, he swears (by the Stygian Lake) he would not let 'em pass thus for a trifle, but raise his price: why may not he do it as well as Punks and Trades men? Here vpo'n he brags what a number of gallant fellows & goodly wenches went lately over with him, whose names he has in his book, and could give him, but that they earnestly entreated not to have their names spr●d any farther (for their heirs sakes, because most of them were too great in some men's books already. The only wonder (says Charon) that these Passengers drive me inio, is, to see how strangely the wo●ld is altered since Pluto and Proserpina were married: For whereas in the old time, men had wo●t to come into his boat all slashed, (some with one arm, some with never a leg, 
Miscent Aconita M●uercae. Filius ante diem patris inquirit in anno.  and others with heads like calves, cleft to their shoulders, and the mouths of their very wounds gaping so wide, as if they were crying, A boat, a boat,) now contrariwise, his fares are none but those that are poisoned by their wives for lust, or by their heirs ●or living, or burnt by Whore's, or reeling into Hell out of Taverns: or if they hap to come bleeding, their greatest glory is a stab, upon the giving of a lie.  
So that if the 3. Destinies spin no finer threads than these, men must either (like Aesculapius) be made immortal for mere pity sake, and be sent up to jupiter, or else the Land of Blackamoors must be made bigger: for the Great Lord of Tartary will shortly have no room for all his retainers, which would be a great dishonour to him, considering he's now the only housekeeper.  
By this time, Charon looking before him (as Watermen use to do) that's to say, behind him, spied he was hard at shore: whereupon seeing he had such doings (that if it held still) he must needs take a servant, (and so make a pair of oars for Pluto) he offered great wages to the Knight passant, to be his journeyman: but he being only for the devils land service, told him he could not give over his service, but assuring him, he would inform his Mr: (the King of Erebus,) of all that was spoken, he paid the boat hire fitting his Knighthood, leapt ashore, and so parted.  
The ways are so plain, and our travelers on foot so familiar with them, that he came sooner to the Court gate of Avernus, than his fellow (the Wherry-man) could fasten his hook on the other side of Acheron: the Porrer (though he knew him well enough, and fawned upon him,) would not let him pass, 
The Porter of Hell.  rill he had his due: for every officer there is as greedy of his Fees, as they are here. You mistake, if you imagine that Pluto's Potter is like one of those big fellows that stand like Giants at Lords gates (having bellies bombasted with ale in Lambs-wool) and with Sacks: and checks strutting out (like two footeballes,) being blown up with powder beef and brewis: yet he's as surly as those Key-turners are, but looks as little more scurvily: No, no, this door keeper waits not to take money of those that pass in, to behold the Infernal Tragedy's, neither has he a lodge to dine and sup in, but only a kennel, and executes ●●s bawling office merely for victuals: his name is Cerberus, but the household call him more properly, The Black dog of Hell: He has three heads, but no hair upon them, (the place is too hot to keep hair on) for in stead of hair they are all rurled over with snakes, which reach from the crowns of his three he adds alongst the ridge of his back to his very tail, and that's wreathed like a dragon's tail: twenty couple of hounds make not such a damnable noise, when they howl, as he does when he barks: his property is to wag his tail, when any comes for entrance to the gate, and to lick their hands, but upon the least offer to scape out, he leaps at their throats; sure he's a mad dog, for wheresoever he bites, it rankles to the death: His eyes are ever watching, his ear●s ever listening, his paws ever catching, his mouths are gaping: Insomuch, that day and night, he lies howling to be sent to Paris Gara●n, rather than to be used so like a cur as he is.  
The Post, to stop his throat, threw him a Sop, 
Bribes in Hell.  and whilst he was devouring of that, he passed through the gates. No sooner was he entered, but he met with thousands of miserable souls, pyneond and dragged in chains to the Bar, where they were to receive their trial, with bitter lamentations bewailing (all the way as they went) and with loud ex●crations cursing the bodies with whom they sometimes frolickly kept company, for leading them to those impieties, for which they must now (even to their utter undoing) dearly answer: it was quarter Sessions in Hell, & though the Postmaster had been at many of their arraignments, and knew the horror of the Executions, yet the very sight of the prisoners struck him now into an astonishable amazement.  
On not withstanding he goes with intent to deliver the Supplication, but so busy was Bohomoth (the prince of the Devils) and such a press was within the Court, and about the Bar, that by nò thrusting o● shouldering, could he get access; the best time for him must be, to watch his rising at the adiourning of the Sessions, and therefore he screws himself by all the insinuating Art he can, into the thickest of the crowd, and within reach of the Clerk of the pieces voice, tò hear all their inditements.  
The judges are set, 
Sessions in Hell.  (being three in number) severe in look, sharp in justice, shrill in voice, unsubiect passion; the prisoners are souls that have committed treason against their creation: they are called to the bar, 
Sin is th● jury.  their number in finite, their crimes numberless: The jury ●hat must pass upon them, are their sins, who are impaneled out of the s●uerall countries, 
Conscience gives in evidence.  & are sworn to find whose Conscience is the witness, who upon the book of their lives, where all their deeds are written, gives in dangerous evidence against them, the Furies (who stand at the elbow of their Conscience) are there ready with stripes to make them confess, for either they are the Beadels of Hell that whip souls in Lucifer's Bridewell, or else his Executioners to put them to worse torments: The Inditements are of several qualities, according to the several offences; Some are arraigned for ambition in the Court; 
The several inditements.  Some for corruption in the church; Some for cruelty in the camp; Some for hollow-hartednes in the City; Some for eating men alive in the Country, every particular soul has a particular sin, at his heels to condemn him, so that to plead not guilty, were jolly: to beg for mercy, madness: for if any should do the one, he can put himself upon none but the devil and his Angels: and they (to make quick work) give him his Passport. If do the other, the hands of ten kings under their great Seals will not be taken for his pardon. For though Conscience comes to this court, poor in attire, diseased in his flesh, wretched in his face, heavy in his gate, and hoarse in his voice, yet carries he such stings within him, to torture himself, if he speak not truth, that every word is a judges sentence, & when he has spoken, the accursed is suffered neither to plead for himself, nor to see any Lawyer, to argue for him.  
In what a lamentable condition therefore stands the unhappy prisoner, 
The misery of a prisoner in that jury.  his Inditemnt is impleadable, his euidence●irre●utable, the fact impardonable, the judge impenetrable, the judgement formidable: the torments insufferable, the manner of them inutterable: he must endure a death without dying, Torments ending with worse beginnings, by his shrieks others shall be affrighted, himself afflicted, by thousands pointed at, by not one amongst million pitied, he shall see no good that may help him, what he most does love, shall be taken from him, and what he most doth loath, shall be powered into his bosom. Add hereunto the faide cogitation of that dismal place, to which he is condemned, the remembrance of which is almost as dolorous, as the punishments there to be endured. In what colours shall I lay down the true shape of it? Assist my invention.  
Suppose that being gloriously attired, deliciously feasted, attended on majestically, Music charming thine ear, beauty thine eye; and that in the very height of all worldly pomp that thought can aspire to, thou shouldest be tumbled down, from some high goodly pinnacle (builded for thy pleasure) into the bottom of a Lake, whose depth is immeasurable, & circuit incomprehensible: And that being there, thou shouldest in a moment be ringed about, with all the murderers that ever have been since the first foundation of the world, with all the Atheists, all the church-robbers, all the Incestuous Ravishers, & all the polluted villains, that ever sucked damnation from the breasts of black impiety, that the place itself is gloomy, hideous, and in accessible, pestilent by damps, and rotten vapours, haunted with spirits, and pitched all over, with clouds of darkness, so clammy & palpable, that the eye of the Moon is too dull to pierce through them, and the fires of the Sun too weak to dissolve them, then that a Sulphurous stench must still strike up into thy nostrils, Adders and Toads be still crawling on thy bosom, Mandrakes & night Ravens still shrieking in thine ears, Snakes ever sucking at thy breath, and which way soever thou turnest, a fire flashing in thine ●ies, yet yielding no more light than what with a glimpse may show others how thou art tormented, or else show unto thee the tortures of others, and yet the flames to be so devouring in the burning, that should they but glow upon Mountains of Iron, they were able to melt them like Mountains of Snow. And last of all, that all these horrors are not woven together, to last for years, but for ages of worlds, yea for worlds of ages; Into what gulf of desperate calamity, would not the poorest beggar now rhrowe himself headlong: rather than to taste the least dram of this bitterness: If imagination can give being to a more miserable place then this described? Such a one, or no worse than such a one, is that, into which the guilty Souls are led captive, after they have this condemnation.  
And what tongue is able to relate the groans and ululations of a wretch so distressed, a hundred pens of steel would be worn blunt in the description, and yet leave it unfinished.   

CHAP. V.  
The Writ for Gold senlargement now is read,  
And by the Prince of Darkness answered:  
The Devil abroad his commendations sends:  
All Traitors are his Sons, Brokers his friends.  
LEt us therefore since the Infernal Sessions are rejourned, & the Court breaking up, seek out his knightship, who having waited all this while for the Devil, hath by this time delivered to his paws the Supplication, about Gold, & so Matuolio his Secretary is reading it to him, but before he was up to the middle of it, the work-maister of Witches, snatched away the Paper, & thrust it into his bosom in great choler, railing at his Letter carrier, and threatening to have him la'sh● by the Furies, for his loitering so long, or Cauteriz'de with hot Irons for a Fugitu●. But Mephistopheles discoursing from point to point, what pai●es he had taken in the Survey 〈◊〉 ●uery Country, and how he had 〈…〉 Sergeant Satan gave him his blessing, and told him that during his absence, the Wryler that penned the Supplication had been landed 〈◊〉 Charon, of whom he willed to inquire within what pa●t of their dominion he had taken up his 〈◊〉 this 〈◊〉 to answer every word by word of mouth, yet because he knows, tha● at the return of his Post● ship, and walking upon the Exchange of the World, (which he charges him to hasten, for the good of the Stygian kingdom, that altogether stands upon quick tafficque they will flutter about him, crying, What news? what news? what squibs, or ra●ther what pieces of ordinance doth the McGunner of Gehenna discharge against so saucy a suitor, that by the Artill●rie of his Secretary's pen, hath shaken the walls of his Kingdom, and made so wide a breach, that any Sir Giles may look into his, and his Officers doings: to stop th●u mouths with some thing, stop them with this: That touching the enlargement of Gold: (which is the first branch of the Petition:) So it is, 
The devils answer to the Petition.  that Plutus his kinsman (being the only setter up of tempting Idols,) was borne a Cripple, but had his eye sight as fair as the day, for he could see the faces & fashions of all men in the world in a twinkling. At which time, for all he went upon Crutches, he made shift o walk abroad with many of his friends, Marry they were none but good men. A Poet, or a Philosopher, might then have sooner had his company, than a justice of Peace: 
Gold at the first was lame and went up & down with goodmen, but now he is blind, and cares not what fool leads him.  Virtue at that time, went in good clothes, & vice fed upon beggary. Al●hes baskets, honesty, and plain dealing, had all the Trades in their own hands, So that Unthrifts, Cheaters, and the rest of their Faction, (though it were the greater) were borne down, for not an Angel durst be seen to drink in a Tavern with them: whereupon they were all in danger to be famished: Which enormity jupiter wisely looking into, and seeing Plutus dispersing his gifts, amongst none but his honest brethren, struck him (either in anger or envy) stark blind, so that ever since he hath play'de the good fellow, for now every gull may lead him up and down ●ike Guy, to make sports in any drunken assembly, now he regards not who thrusts his hands into his pockets, nor how it is spent; a fool shall have his heart now, assoon as a Physician: And an Ass that cannot spell, go laden away with double Ducke●rs from his Indian storehouse, when Ibis Homer, that hath lain sick seventeen years together of the University plague, (watching and want) only in hope at the last to find some cure, shall not for an hundred weight of good Latin, receive a two penny weight in Silver, his ignorance (arising from his blindness) is the only cause of this Comedy of errors: so that until some Quacksalver or other (either by the help of Tower hill water, or any other, either Physical or chirurgical means) can pick out that pin and web which is stuck into both his eyes, (and that will very hardly be.) It is irrevocably set down, in the Adamantine book of Fate, that Gold shall be a perpetual slave to slaves, a drudge to fools, a fool to make Woodcocks merry, whilst wisemen mourn: or if at any time he chance to break prison, and fly for refuge into the Chamber of a Courtier, to a mere hawking country Gentleman, 
A Curse laid upon gold.  to a young student at the law, or to any Tradesman's eldest son, that rides forth to cast up his Father's reckonings, in fortified Taverns, Such mighty search shall be made for him, such Hue & Cry after him, such misrule kept, until he be smelled our, that poor Gold must be glad to get him out of their company, Castles cannot protect him, but he must be apprehended, and suffer for it. Now as touching the seven leaved Tree, of the deadly sins, which in the Supplication are likewise requested to be hewn down, his Suit is unreasonable, for that grows so rank in every man's garden, and the flowers of it worn so much in every woman's bosom, till at the last general Autumnian quarter of the dreadful year, when whole Kingdoms (like sear and sapless 
Sin bears from all the year long.  leaves) must be shaken in pic●es by the consuming breath of fire, & all the fruits of the earth he raked together, by the Spirit of Storms, & burnt in one heap like stubble, till then, it is impossible to clear the oaken forehead of it, or to lop off any of the branches. And let this satisfy itching Newes-hunters, for so much of mine answer to the poor fellows Supplication, as I mean to have published to the world: Whatmore I have to utter, shall be in his care, because he was more busy in his prating then a Barber, with thee my Servant, about my household affairs, and therefore it is to be doubted he lupkes in our C●merian Provinces, but as an Intelligencer, which if 〈◊〉 proved, he shall buy it with his soul: Dispa●●lre therefore (my faithful Incarnate Devil,) proclaim these things to the next Region above us.  
Go and deliver my most hearty condemnations to all those that steal subjects hearts from their Sovereigns, 
The Devil sends his commendations.  say to all those, they shall have my letters of Mart for their Piracy: factious Guyzards, that lay trains of sedition to blowup the common wealth, I hug them as my children, to all those churchmen that bind themselves together in schisms, like bundles of thorns, only to prick the sides of Religion, till her heart bleed; I will give them new orders. To all those that untyle their Neighbours houses, that whilst storms are beating them our, they themselves may enter in, bestow upon such officers of mine, a thousand condemnations from their master, though they be sitting at King Arthur's Table: When thou dost thy message, they shall have Te●ements of me for nothing in Hell.  
In brief, tell all the Brokers in Long-Lane, Houns-ditch, or else where, with all the rest of their Colleagued Suburbians, that deal upon overworn commodities, and whose Souls are to us impawned, that they lie safe enough, and that no cheater can hook them out of our hands, bid them sweat and swear in their vocation (as they do● hourly) if thou being a knight of the Post, canst not help them to oaths, that may make them get the Devil and all, they have a sound Card on their sides, for I myself will Abi in malam, go● and mind thy business.   

CHAP. VII.  
A Usurer describ'de: his going down to Hell:  
The Post to him a strange at scorse doth tell:  
He teaches him the way, and doth discover  
What Rivers the departed Souls go over.  
HIs warrant being thus signed, 
The picture of a Usurer.  the messenger departs, but before he could get to the uttermost Ferry, he met with an old, lean, meager fellow, whose eyes was sunk so deep into his head, as if they had been set in backward, his hair was thinner than his cheeks, and his cheeks so much worn away, that when he spoke, his tongue smoked, and that was burnt black, with his hoar and valiant breath, was seen to move too and fro so plainly, that a wise man might have taken it for the Snuff of a ca●dle in a Muscovie Lantern, the Barber Surgeons had begged the body of a man at a Sessions, to make an Anatomy, and that Anatomy this wretched creature begged of them to make him a body, Charon had but newly landed him: 
How ●surers get into bell.  yet it seemed he stood in pitiful fear, for his eyes were no bigger than pings heads, with blubbering and howling, keeping a coil to have some body show him the nearest way to hell, which he doubted he had lost, the other puts him into a path, that would directly bring him thither, but before he bid him farewell, our black knight inquired of him what he was: who answered, that he was sometimes one that lived upon the Lechery of metals, for he could make one hundred pound be great with child, and be delivered with another in a very short time, his money (like pigeons) laid every month, he had been in upright terms, an Usurer; And understanding that he fell into the hands of the hel● post, he offered him after a penny a mile, between that & the towns end he was going too, so he would be his guide.  
Which money, when the watermen came to rifle him, he swallowed down, and raked for it afterwards, because he knew not what need he should have, the ways being damnable: But the goer of the diue●s errands told him, if he would allow him Pursiuants sees, he durst not earn them, he would do him any Knight's service, but to play the good angels part, and guide him, he must pardon him. Doctor Dives request him (in a whining accen●) to tell him if there were any rich men in hell, & if by any base drudgery which the devil shall put him too, & which beele willingly moil in, he should scrape-any muck together, whether he may set up his trade in hell, & whither there be any brokers there, that with picking straws out of poor thatched houses to build nests where his: twelve pences should ingenner, might get feathers to his back, and their own too. To all which questions, the vault curier answers briefly, that he shall meet a number there, who once went in black velvet coats, and welted gowns, but of Brokers, there's a Longer lane in He●l, than there is in London. Marry for opening shops, and to keep a Bawdy house, for Lady Pecunia, Ho● sifata negant, If the bay life of B●rathrum deny that privilege to those that have served twice seven years in the Freedom, there's no reason a Foreigner should taste the favour.  
This news though it went coldly down, yet as those that are troubled with the toothache, inquire of others what the pain is, that have had them drawn out, & think by that means they lessen their own, So it is some ease to Sir Timothy, thirty per centum, to ha●ken out the worst that others have endured, he desires therefore to know how far it is from the earth to hell; & being told that hell is just so many miles from Earth, as earth is from Heaven, he stands in a brown study, wondering) sithence: the length of the journeys were both alike to him, how it should happen, that he took rather the one path then the other. But then cursing himself that ever he fell in love with money, and that which is contrary to nature) he ever made a crack French Crown, beget an English-Angell, he roar'de out, & swore that gold sure would damn him. For says he, my greediness to 〈◊〉 mine eye with that, made me starve my belly, and have undone those for six pence, that were ready to starve. And into such an Apoplexy of Soul, fell I into, with the lust of money, that I had no sense of other happiness: So that whilst in my Closet I sat numbering my bags, the last hour of my life was told out, before I could tell the first heap of gold, bird-lime is the sweat of the Oak tree, the dung of the Blackbird falling on that tree, turns into that slimy snare, and in that snare, is the bird herself taken. So fares it me, money is but the excrement of the earth, in which covetous wretches (like swine) rooting continually, eat thorough the earth so long, till at length they eat themselves into hell. I see therefore, that as Hearts, being the most cowardly and heartless creatures, have also the largest horns. So we that are drudges to heaps of dross, have base & lean consciences, but the largest damnation. There appeared to Timotheus, an Athenian, Demonijumbra, and that gave him a net to catch Cities in, yet for all that he died a beggar. Sure it was Vmbrae daemonis that taught me the rule of Interest: for in getting that, I have lost the principal (my soul). But I pray you tell me, says my setter up of Scriveners, Must I be stripped thus out of all? Shall my Fox-furred gowns be locked up from me? Must I not have so much as a shirt upon me? Heers worse pilling and polling then amongst my country men the Usurers, not a rag of linen about me, to hide my nakedness.  
No, says the light Horseman of Limbo no linen is worn here, because none can be woven strong enough to hold, neither do any such good 〈◊〉 come hither as to make cloth, only the Destinies are allowed to spin, but their yarn serves to make smocks for Pr●serpina, You are now as you must ever be, you shall need no clothes, the air is so extreme hot; ●esides, there be no Tailors suffered to live here, because (they as well as Players) have a hell of their own,) (under their shopboard) & there lie their t● t●ered souls, patched out with nothing but rags.  
This Career being ended, our Lansquenight of Lowe-Germanie, was ready to purspurres to his ho●●●, and take leave, because he saw what disease hung upon him, and that his companion was hard at his heels, and was loath to proceed in his journey.  
But he, Qui nummos admiratur, the pawn-groper, clingde about his knees like a Horseleech, and conjured him, as ever he pitied a wretch eaten to the bare bones, by the sacred hunger of gold, that he would either bestow upon him, a short Table (such a one as is tie to the tail of most Almanacs) chalking out the hye-ways, be they never so dirty, and measuring the length of all the miles between town, and town, to the breadth of a hair, or if this Geographical request took up too much concealed land to have it granted, that yet (at last) he would tell him, whether he were to pass over any more rivers, and what the name of this filthy puddle was, over which he was lately brought by a dogged waterman, because sithence he must run into the devils mouth, he would run the nearest way, lest he wearied himself.  
Of this last request, the Lackey of this great Leviathan, promised he should be master, but he would not bring him to a miles end by land, 
The Ri●●rs which ●he s●u●● passes.  (they were too many to meddle with). You shall understand therefore (says our wild Irish footman) that this first water (which is now cast behind you) is Acheron, It is the water of trouble, & works like a Sea in a tempest (for indeed this first is the worst) It hath a thousand creeks, a thousand windings, and ●u●●ings, It vehemently boils at the bottom (like a Cauldron of molten lead,) when on the top it is smother than a still stream: 
Remembrance of the sins, the first water.  And upon great reason is it called the River of molestation, for when the soul of man is upon the point of departing from the Shores of life, and to be shipped away into another world, she is vexed with a conscience, and an auxie us remembrance of all the parts that ever she played on the unruly stage of the world: She repeats not by rote, but by heart, the injuries done to others, and indignities wrought against herself: She ●urnes over a large volume of accounts, and finds that sh●ees run out in pride, in lusts, in riots, in blasphemies, in irreligion, in waslowing through so many enormous & detestable crimes, that to look back upon them, (being so infinite), and upon her own face (being so fowl) the very thought makes her desperate. She never spoke, or delighted to hear spoken, a●y bawdy language, but it now ●●ngs in her ●are, never lusted after luxurious meats, but their taste is now upon her tongue, never fed the sight witl any licentious object, but now they come all into her eye, every wicked thought before, is now to her a dagger, every wicked word a death, every wicked act a damnation: If she scape falling into this Ocaean, she is miraculously saved from a shipwreck, he must needs be a churlish but a cunning Waterman, that steers in a Tempest so dangerous: This first River is a bitter water in taste, and unsavoury in scent, but whosoever drinks down but half a draft of his remembered former follies, Oh it cannot choose but be 〈…〉 Gall is honey to it, Acheron like is a thick water, and how can it otherwise choose, being stirred with so m●ny thousand fight perturbations.  
Having passed over this first River (as now you are) you shall presently ha●e your way stopped with another, It's a little cut by l●●d thither, but a tedious and dangerous voyage by water.  
Lies there a Boat ready (quorum my rich jew of Malta) to take me in so so●ne a● I call? No, says the other, you must wait your mariners leisure, the same wrangling fellow that was you● first man, is your last man: Marry you shallie at every havens mouth for a wind, 
Loathing of our 〈◊〉 the second 〈◊〉.  till Belzab●●s hale you for Ach●ron (after many circumgirations) fale i● to the Stygian Lake (your second River carries that name) It is the water of loathsomeness, and runs with a swifter Current than the former ● f●● when the soul sees death's Barge tarrying for her, she begins to be sorry for her aunt acted evils, and then she's sailing over Acheron, but when sh●● drawer the Curtain, and looks narrowly upon the pictures, which her own hand drew, and finds them to be ugly, she abhors her own workmanship, and makes haste to hoist up more Sails, and to be transported swiftly over the Stygian Torrent, whose waters are so reverend, that the Gods have no other oath to swear by.  
The third river is Cocytus, somewhat clearer than both the other, 
Repentance of our sins, the third Water.  and is the water of Repentance, being an Arm of Styx: Many have here been cast away, and frozen to death, when the River hath waxen cold, (as oftentimes it doth,) neither are all sorts of Souls suffered to sail upon it, for to some (as if the water had sense, and could not brook an unworthy burden,) it swells up into tempests, and drowns them, to others more love cannot appear in Dolphins to men, then in that does smoothness.  
Besides these, there are Phlegeton and Pyriphlegeton that fall in with Cocytus (burning Rivers,) In which (though they be dreadful to look upon,) are no utter danger: 
Unless you sail safety over the waters of Repentanc, you are in danger to be drowned in Despair.  If the Ferryman waft you safely, over the waters of Repentance, otherwise those hot liquors will scaled you.  
But what a Traytoram I, (to the undiscovered Kingdoms,) thus to bring to light their dearest Treasury? sworn am I to the Imperial State Infernal, and what dishonour would it be to my Knighthood, to be found forsworn?  
Seal up your lips therefore I charge you, and drink down a full bowl of this Lethoean water, which shall wash out of you the remembrance of any thing I ha●e spoken: Be proud thou Grandchild of Mammon, that I have spent these minutes upon thee, for neue● shall any breathing mortal man, with tortures wring our of me so much again. There ●yes your way: Fare well.  
In such a strange Language was this ultimum Vale sent forth, that Mounsieur Money-monger stood only staring and yawning upon him, but could speak no more: yet at the last (Conjuring up his best Spirits, he only in a dumb show, (with pitiful action, like a Player, (when he's out of his part,) made signs to have a Letter delivered by the Carrier, of condemnation, to his Son, (a young Reveller, pricked down to stand in the Mercer's books for next Christmas,) which in a dumb show, likewise being received, they both turned back the Usurer, looking as hungrilie, as if he had kissed the post.   

CHAP. VIII.  
●ells Sculler and the Pursuivant of Heaven,  
Cast merry reckonings up, but grow not even  
Tilla Plague ●alls: Soldiers set out a throat  
For Char●n: Eps comes mangled to his boat.  
AT the Bank end, when Pluto's pursuivant came to take water, Mercury, (that runs of all the errands between the Gods) having been of a message from Ceres, to her daughter Proserpina, (the Queen of lower Africa, 
Lucian in Dialog.  finding Charon idle in his boat, because (as if it had been out of Term time) no Fares was stirring, fell to cast up old reckonings, between himself, & the weatherbeaten Sculler, for certain trifling money, laid out about Charon's business. So that the Knight slipping in like a Constable to part a Fray, was requested to be as Arbitator.  
The first Item that stood in his Bill, was, For nails to mend your Wherrie, when two Dutchmen coming drunk from the Renishwine-house, split three of the boards with their club fi●ts, thinking they had called for a reckoning. iiij. pence.  
Those Butter-boxes (says Charon) owe me a penny upon the foot of that account: For I could distill out of them but only three poor drops of silver for the voyage, & all my loss at Sea. What's next?  
Item, laid out for pitch to trim your boat about the middle of the last plague, because she might go light & vare, and do her labour cleanly, xj. pence.  
I am over-reckoned that odd penny, (quoth Charon, and I'll never yield to pay it, but vi & armis, that's to say, by law. I disbursed it (by my Caducens says the Herald) nay says Charon, if thou wilt defile thy conscience with a pennyworth of pitch, touch ●●●ill: on.  
Iten, for glue & whipcord, to mend your brokenoar, iij. d.  
That's reasonable; yet I have carried some in my Wherie that have had more whipcord given them for nothings on.  
Item laid out for juniper to presume the boat, when certain Frenchmen were to go by water: i. ob. ay, a pox on them, who got by that? on.  
Item lent to a company of Countrey-players, being nine in number, one sharer, & the rest journeymen, that with strolling were brought to death's door, xiii. d. ob. upon their stock of apparel, to pay for boat hire, because they would try if they might be suffered to play in the devils name, which stock afterwards came into your claws, and you dealt upon it: xiii. ob.  
They had his hand to a warrant (quoth Charon) but their rags served to make me Swabbers, because they never fetched it again, so that belike he proved a god Lord and master to them, and they made new Pergementiri. Tickle the next Minkin.  
Item, when a Cobbler of Poetry, called a Play patcher, was condemned with his Cat to be ducked three times in the cucking-stool of Pyriphlegeton, (being one of the scalding Rivers,) till they both dropped again, because he scolded against his betters, and those whom he lived upon, laid out at that time for straw, to have carried puss away if she had kittened, to avoid any caterwauling in Hell. i. penny.  
Mew, they were not both wroth a penny: on.  
Item, for needle and thread to ●arne up above two and fifty holes in your sails, and to a Butcher for half a days work about it: seven. pence.  
That butcher I preferred to be Lucifer's Tailor, because he works with a hot needle and burnt thread, and that seven pence he gave me for my good will, why should not I take bribes as well as others, I will clip that money, and melt it. Not for my Bill (says the Herald of the gods) for it went out of my purse, the Tailor may pay it▪ back again, it is but stealing so much the more, or cutting out 5. quarters to a garment, nay, Mercury, you shall filch for us both, for all the gods know you are a notable Pickpocket, as the knight of the Post here can take his oath, but what is your Summa totalis, (quoth Charon) Summa totalis, answers the other comes to three shillings and a penny. The Scullèr told him, he was now out of Cash, it was a hard time, he doubts there is some secret Bridge made over to Hell, and that they steal thither in Coaches, for every justice's wife, and the wife of every Citizen must be jolted now.  
But howsoever the market goes, bear with me, (quoth Charon) till there come another plague, or till you hear of such another battle as was at Newport, or till the Dunkirks catch a Hoy of Hollanders, and tumble them overboard, or till there be more civil Wars in France, or if Pa●ris garden would but fall down again, I should not only wipe off this old score, but hope to make me a new boat. Mercury seeing no remedy (though he knew well enough he was not without money) took his wings, and away went he to Olympus. The Posts journey lay nothing near that path, but enquiring whether one Pier●● Penniless came not over in his Fer●y: and understanding, because he could not pay his Fare, he was fain to go a great way about to Elysium, thither in an Irish gallop is our swearing knight gone.  
Scarce was he out of ken, but on the other side of the River stood a company crying out lustily, 
William Eps his death.  A Boat, hay, a Boat, hay, and who should they be but a gallant troup of English spirits (all mangled) looking like so many old Romans, that for overcoming death in their manly resolutions, were sent away out of the field, crowned with the military honour of Arms. The foremost of them was a parsonage of so composed a presence, that Nature and Fortune had done him wrong, if ●hey had not made him a soldier. In his countenance, there was a kind of indignation, fight with a kind of exalted joy, which by his very gesture were apparently descipherable, for he was jocund, that his soul went out of him in so glorious a triumph; but disdainfully angry, that she wrought her enargement through no more dangers: yet were there bleeding witnesses enough on his breast, which testified, he did not yield till he was conquered, and was not conquered, till there was left nothing of a man in him to be overcome. For beside ●hose Mortui & Muti testes, which spoke most for him, when he himself was past speaking, (though their mouths were stopped with scars) he made shift to lay down an overplus of life, (when the debt was discharged at one mortal payment before) only to show in what abject account he held deaths tyranny. Charon glowring upon him, demanded who he was, but he scorning to be his own Chronicle, and not suffering any of the rest to execute the office, they all leapt into the Ferry. Amongst whom, one that sat out of his hearing, but within the reach of the Waterman, (to shorten the way) discoursed all, thus:  
England (quoth he) gave him breath, Kent education, he was never ●uer-maistered, but by his own affections: against whom, whensoever he got the victory, there was a whole man in him: he was of the sword, and knew better how to end quarrels, then to begin them; yet was more apt to begin, than other (better bearded) were to answer, with which (some that were ever bound to the peace) upbraided him as a blemish. His country barring him (for want of action) of that which he was borne to inherit, (same) he went in quest of it into the Low Countries, where (by his dear earnings) he bequeathed that to those of his name, with nothing, but his name seemed to deprive him of in England. Ost-end being besieged, he lost one of his eyes, whilst he looked over the walls, which first storm did rather drive him on to more dangerous adventures, though to the hazard even of a shipwreck, (then like a fearful Merchant) to run his fortunes and reputation on ground, for the boisterous threatenings of every idle billow. So this his resolution set upon his rest, to leave all the remainder of his body to that Country, which had take from him one of the best jewels of his life, since it had a piece of him, he would not so dishonour the place, as to carry away the rest broken. Into the field therefore comes he, the sates putting both his eyes into one, (of purpose) because he should look upon none but his enemies: where, a battle being to be sought, the desert advanced him to advance the Colours; by which dignity, he became one of the fairest marks, which was then to be shot at: and where a great part of that days glory was to be won; for the Regent that followed his Ensign, (by being hardly set to) giving ground, and the enemy's ambition, thirsting after his Colours, threw at all, in hope to win them. But the destinies (who fought on their side) mistook themselves, and in steed of striking the Colours out of his hand, smote him: in so much, that he was twice shot, & twice run through the body, yet would not surrender his hold for all those breaches, but stripping the prize for which they strove, off from the staff that held it up, and wrapping his dying body in it, drew out his weapon, with which before his Colours could be called his winding sheet, he threw himself into the thickest of danger: where after he had slain a horseman, and two other; most valiantly, he came off (half dead, half alive,) bravely delivering up his spirit in the ar●es of none but his friends and fellow soldiers.  
So that (as if Fortune had been jealous of her own wavering,) death (at her entreaty) took him away, in the noontide of a happiness; lest any black evenings overcasting should spoil it with alteration. He was married to the honour of a field in the morning, and died in the Arms of it the same day, before it was spoiled of the maidenhead: so that it went away chaste and unblemishable. To conclude, (Father Sculler) because I see we are upon landing, here is as much as I can speak in his praise: he died Ancient in the very midst of his youth.  
Charon hum'de and and cried well: and having rid his boat of them, directed them to those happy places, which were allotted out to none but Martialists.   

CHAP. IX.  
The Fields of joy describ'de: None there must dwell,  
〈◊〉 purged Souls, and such as have done well:  
Some Soldiers there: and some that 〈◊〉 in Love,  
Poets sit singing in the Baye-tree Grove.  
WH●●● the 〈◊〉 man was plying his Fares, & following his thrift, the wandering knight, (Sir Dago●●) having dispatched with the 〈…〉 that he 〈…〉 he went, was ●ust at that time walking in one of the 〈◊〉 Gardens; he meant to take that in his way, But the internal laws barring him from entrance into those sacred palaces, he wa●●ed the other to him, and ●hen related (verbatim) his masters answer and resolution: which the Suppliant receives (considering he was now where he would be) with as ●●we words as he was wont to carry pence in his pu●s●. The Post having as little to say to him, cast only a sleight eye upon all the Elizaan 〈◊〉 (much like to a disdainful fantastic Frenchman when he comes into a strange country, as though he traveled rather to be seen then to observe) and up he leaps upon one of the devils hackneys▪ and away he rides, to follow his 〈…〉 business▪ about which whilst he is damnably swea●ing, let me carry you into those Insul● Fortunatae, ordained to be the Abydings, for none but blessed Souls.  
The walls that encompass these goodly habitations, are white as the forehead of Heavens they glister like polished ivory, but the stuff is finer: high they are, like the pillars that uphold the Court of love; & strong they are, as Tower's built by Enchantment: there is but one Gate to it All, and that's of refined Silver: So narrow it is, that but one at once can enter: Round about, wears it a girdle of waters, that are sweet, redolent, & Crystalline: the leaves of the vine are not so pre●ious, the Nectar of the Gods nothing so delicious.  
Walk into the Groves, you shall hear all sor●s of birds melodiously singing: you shall see Swains defly piping, and virgins chaftly dancing. shepherds there, live as merrily as Kings, and kings are glad to be companions with shepherds. The widow there complains of no wrong: the orphan sheds no tears, for Covetousness cannot carry it away with his Gold, nor Cruelty with the sway of Greatness, the poor Client needs see no Lawyer to plead for him, for there's no jury to condemn him, nor judges to astonish him, there is all mirth, without immodesty: all health without base abusing of it: all sorts of Wines without intemperance: all Riches without Sensuality: all Beauty without painting: all Love without dissimulation. Winter there plays not the Tyrant, neither is the summers breath pestilent: for Spring is all the year long, tricking up the Boughs: so that the trees are ever flourishing, the fruits ever growing, the flowers ever budding: yea such cost, and such Art is bestowed upon the Arbours, that the very benches (whereon these blessed Inhabitants sit) are sweet beds of violets: the beds whereon they lie, banks of Musk-roses: their pillow's hearts, are hearts-ease, their Sheets the silken leaves of Willow.  
Neither is this a Common Inn, to all travelers, but the very Palace where Happiness herself maintains her Court, and none are allowed to follow her, but such as are of merit. Of all men in the world Landlords dare not quarter themselves here, because they are Rackers of rents: a pettifogger, that has taken bribes, willbe damned ere he come near the gates. A Fencer is not allowed to stand within 12. score of the Place: no more is a Vintner, nor a Farmer, nor a Tailor, unless he creep through the eye of his Needle: no, and but few Gentleman-ushers. Women▪ (for all their subtlety,) scarce one amongst five hundred has her pew there, especially old Myd-wives, Chambermaids, & wayting-wenches, their doings are too well known, to be let into these lodgings. No, no, none can be free of these Liberties, but such as have consciences without cracks, hands not spotted with uncleanness; feet not worn out with walking to mischief, and hearts that never were hollow. Listen therefore, and I will tell you what Passengers have licence to land upon these shores.  
Young Infants that die at the breast, and have not sucked of their parents sins, are most welcome thither for their innocency. Holy singers whose divine Anthems have bound ●oules by their charms & whose lives are Tapers of virgin wax, set in silver candlesucks, to guide Men out of errors darkness, they know their places there▪ and have them for then Integrity.  
Some Scholars are admitted into this society, but the number of them all is not half so many as are in one of the Colleges of an University, and the reason is, they either kindle firebrands (in the the sanctified places) by their contention; or kill the hearts of others by their coldness.  
One field there is amongst all the rest, set round about with willows, It is called the field of Mourning and in this (upon banks of flowers that whither away, even with the scorching sighs of those that 〈◊〉 upon them,) are a band of Malcontents: they look for all the world like the mad-folks in bedlam, and desire (like them) to be alone, & these are For ●orn lovers: such as pyn'de away to nothing, for nothing: such as for the love of a wanton wench, have gone crying to their graves, whilst she in the mean time, went (laughing to see such a kind coxcomb) into another's bed: All the joy that these poor fools feed upon, is to sit singing lamentable ballads to some doleful tunes▪ for though they have chang'de their old lives, they cannot forget their young loves; they spend their time in making of myr●●e garlands, & shed so much water out of their eyes, that it hath made a pretty little river, which 〈◊〉 so s●●king: continually at the roots of the willow trees, that half the leaves of them, are almost washed into a whiteness.  
There is another piece of ground, where are encamped none but Soldiers: and o● those, not all sorts of Soldiers neither, but only such as have died nobly in the wars: and yet of those, but a certain number too: that is to say, such that in execution were never bloody: in their Country's revenge, severe, but not cruel: such as held death in one hand, and mercy in the other: such as never ravished maidens, never did abuse no widows, never gloried in the massacre of babes: were never drunk, of purpose before the battle began, because they would spare none, nor after the battle did never quarrel about pledging the health of his whoare. Of this Garrison, there are but a few in pay, & therefore they live without Mutiny.  
Beyond all these places is there a Grove, which stands by itself like an Island; for a spreame (th●t makes music in the running) cla●p●● it round about like a hoop girdle of crystal: Laurels grew so thick on all the banks of it, that lighming itself if it came thither, hath no power to pierce through them. It seems (without) a desolate and unfrequented wood, (for those within are retired into themselves) but from th●● came forth such harmonious sounds, that birds build nests only, in the trees there, to teach T●nes to their young ones prettily. This is called The Gro●● of bay Trees, and to this Consort Rome, res●● one but the children of Pboebus, (Poets and Mus●●tons:) the one creates the ditty, and gives it the life or number, the other lends it voice, and makes it speak music. When these happy Spirits sit asunder, their bodies are like so many Stars, and when they join together in several troops, they show like so many heavenly Constellations. Full of pleasant Bowers and quaint Arboures is all this Walk. In one of which, old Chaucer, reverend for priority, blithe in cheer, buxom in his speeches, and benign in his haviour, is circled a round with all the Makers or Poets of his time, their hands leaning on one another's shoulders, and their eyes fixed seriously upon his, whilst their ears are all tied to his tongue, by the golden chains of his Numbers; for here (like Euanders' mother) they spoke all in verse: no Attic eloquence is so sweet: their language is so pleasing to the gods, that they utter their Oracles in none other.  
Gra●e Spencer was no sooner entered into this Chapel of Apollo, but these elder Fathers of the divine Fury, gave him a Lawrer & sung his Welcome: Chaucer call'de him his Son, and placed him at at his right hand. All of them (at a sign given by the whole Choir of the Muses that brought him thither,) closing up their lips in silence, and tuning all their ears for attention, to hear him sing out the rest of his Fairy Queen's praises.  
In another company sat learned Watson, industrious kid, ingenious Atchlow, and though (he had been a Player, moulded out of their pens) yet because he had been their Lover, and a Register to the Muses, Inimitable B●ntley: these were likewise ca● rousing to one another at the holy well, some of them singing Paeans to Apollo, some of them Hymns to the rest of the Gods, whilst Marlowe, green, and Peele had got under the shades of a large vine, laughing to see Nash (that was but newly come to their College,) still haunted with the sharp and Satirical spirit that followed him here upon earth: for Nash inveighed bitterly (as he had wont to do) against dry-fifted Patrons, accusing them of his untimely death, because if they had given his Muse that cherishment which she most worthily deserved, he had fed to his dying day on fat Capons, burnt sack and Sugar, and not so desperately have ventur'de his life, and shortend his days by keeping company with pickle herrings: the rest asked him what news in the world, he told them that Barbarism was now grown to be an Epidemial disease, and more common than the toothache: being demanded how Poets and Players agreed now, troth says he, As Physicians and patients agree, for the patient loves his Doctor no longer then till he get his health, and the Player loves a Poet, so long as the sickness lies in the twopenny gallery when none will come into it: Nay (says he) into so low a misery (if not contempt,) is the sacred Art of Po●sie fallen, that though a writer (who is worthy to ●it at the table of the Sun,) wast his brains, to earn applause from the more worthy Spirits, yet when he has done his best, he works but like O●nus, that makes ropes in hell; for as he twists, an Ass stands by and bites them in sunder, and that Ass is no other than the Audience with hard hands. He had no sooner spoken this, but in comes Chettle sweafing and blowing, by reason of his satnes, to welcome whom, because he was of old acquaintance, all rose up, and fell presently on their knees, to drink a health to all the Lovers of Helicon: in doing which, they made such a mad noise, that all this Conjuring which is past, (being but a dream,) I suddenly started up, and am now awake.  
Finis.