NEWS From Hell; Brought by the devils Carrier.  
Et me mihi perfide prodis?  
Tho: Dekker.  
LONDON Printed by R. B. for W. Ferebrand, and are to be sold at his shop in Pope's head Alley, near unto the Royal Exchange. 1606,   

To the very Worthy Gentleman, Sir john Hamden Knight.  
SIR, the begetting of Books, is as common as the begetting of Children: only herein they differ, that Books speak so soon as they come into the world, and give the best words they can to all men, yet are they driven to seek abroad for a father. That hard fortune follows all & falls into, upon THIS of mine. It gladly comes to you upon that errand, and if you vouchsafe to receive it lovingly, I shall account myself and It, very happy. These Paper-monsters are sure to beset upon, by many terrible encounters; They had need therefore to get Armour of proof that may not shrink for a bullet; The strongest shields that I know for such fights, are good Patrons; from whom writers claim such ancient privileges, that howsoever they find entertainment, they make bold to take acquaintance of them (though never so merely strangers) without blushing: wherein they are like to courtiers, that invite themselves, unbidden) to other men's tables & that's a most Gentlemanlike, quality and yet hold it a disgrace, if they receive not a complemental welcome. Custom making that show handsomely, which (if the curious hand of Formality, should apparel) would appear vile Fashion thereforeiss the best Painter, for what pictures soever she draws, are workman-ly done: presuming upon whose warrant, I send unto you the discovery of a strange country, If it were of both indies, my love could bestow it upon you. Accept it therefore, and if hereafter I may be a voyager to any happier coast, the Fruits of (that as now of this) shallbe most affectionately consecrated to you.  
From him that wishes he could be a deserver of you.  
Tho. Dekker   

To the Reader.  
TO come to the press is more dangerous, then to be priest to death, for the pain of those Tortures, last but a few minutes, but he that lies upon the rack in print, hath his flesh torn off by the teeth of Envy, and Calumny, even when he means no body any hurt in his grave. I think therefore 'twere better to make ten challenges at all manner of weapons, then to play a scholars Prize, upon a booksellers stall, for the one draws but blood: by the other a man is drawn & quartered, take heed of Critics. they bite (like fish) at any thing, especially at books. But the Devil being Let loose amongst them, I hope they will not exercise their Conjurations upon him: If they do, they are damned. In despite of Brontes and Steropes, that forge Arrows of Ignorance and contempt, to shoot at Learning, I have hammered out this Engine, that has beaten open the Infernal Gates, and discovered that great Tobacconist the Prince of Smoke & darkness, Don Pluto. A supplication was sent to him long since by a poor fellow one Pierce penniless. But the Devil being full of business, could never till now have leisure to answer it: Mary now (since Christmas) he has drawn out some spare hours, & shot 2. Arrows at one mark, in 2. several Bows: and of two contrary flights: Wherein he proves himself, a damned lying Cretan, because he's found in two Tales, about one matter. But it may be, the first Answer, that he sent by the Post was in the Morning, (for he strives to speak soberly, gravely, and like a Puritan) The other (sure) in the afternoon, for he talks more madly: But so far from Those fantastical Taxations etc. Which the Gentleman that drew that forenoon's piece, (whom I know not) seems aloof off (like a Spy) to discover, that even in the most trivial and merriest Applications, there are Seria locis, how soever it be, sithence we both have had to do with the Devil, and that he's now [by our means) brought to the Bar, let him plead for himself: Yshis' Answers be good, 'tis strange, because no goodness can come from him, Yfbad, and like thee not, thou hast the amends in thine own hands: never rail at him: for the Devil (like a drunkard) cares for no body.  
Farewell.   

The Devil let loose, WITH His Answer to Pierce penniless.  
GReat wagers were laid in the world, that when the Supplication was sent, it would not be received; or if received, it would not be read over; or if read over, it would not be answered: for Mammon being the god of no beggars, but Burgomasters and rich Cormorants, was worse thought of than he deserved: Every man that did but pass through Paul's Churchyard, and had but a glance at the Title of the Petition, would have betted ten to five, that the Devil would hardly (like a Lawyer in a busy Term) be spoken with, because his Client had not a penny to pay sees, but sued in Forma pauperis.  
Had it been a Challenge, it is clear he would have answered it: for he was the first that kept a Fence-school, when Cayn was alive, and taught him the Embrocado, by which he killed his brother: Since which time he hath made ten thousand Free scholars as cunning as cain. At sword and buckler, little Davy was no body to him, and as for Rapier and Dagger, the German may be his journeyman. Mary the question is, in which of the Playhouses he would have performed his Prize, if it had grown to blows, and whether the money being gathered, he would have cozende the Fencers, or the Fencers him, because Hell being under every one of their Stages, the Players (if they had owed him a spite) might with a false trap door have slipped him down, and there kept him, as a laughing stock to all their yawning Spectators. Or had his Infernallship been arrested to any action how great so ever, all the Law in Westminster-hall could not have kept him from appearing to it (for the Devil scorns to be nonsuited) he would have answered to that too: But the mischief would have been, where should he have got any that would have pleaded for him? who could have endured to see such a damnable Client every morning in his Chamber? what waterman (for double his fare) would have landed him at the Temple, but rather have struck in at White-Fryers, and left him there ashore with a Pox to him? Tush: there was no such matter, the stream he was to venture into, was not so dangerous, this coiner of Light angels knew well enough how the Exchange went, he had but bare words lent unto him, and to pay bare words again (though with some Interest) it could be no loss.  
He resolved therefore to answer his humble Orater: But being himself not brought up to learning (for the Devil ean neither write not read) yet he has been at all the Universities in Christendom, and thrown heresies (like bones for dogs to gnaw upon) amongst the Doctors themselves: but having no skill but in his own Hornbook, it troubled his mind where he should get a penman fit for his tooth to scribble for him, all the Scriveners i'th' town he had at his beck, but they were so set a work with making bonds between Usurers and Unthrifty heirs, between Merchants and Tradesmen (that to cousin and undo others, turn Banke-rowtes themselves, and defeat Creditors) and with drawing close conveyances between Landlords and Bawds, that now sit no longer upon the skirts of the City, but jet up and down, even in the cloak of the City, and give more rent for a house, than the proudest London occupier of them all, that Don Lucifer was loath to take them from their Noverints, because in the end he knew they were but his Factors, and that he should be a part-owner in their lading himself; Lawyers clerks were so durtied up to the hams with trudging up and down to get pelf, and with fishing for gudgeons, and so wrung poor ignorant clients purses, with exacting unreasonable Fees, that the Paymaster of Perdition would by no means take them from their wide lines, and bursten-bellied straddling ffs, but stroking them under the chins, called them his white boys, and told them he would empty the Inke-pot of some others.  
Whither then marches Monsieur Malesico? Mary to all the writing Schoolmasters of the town. He took them by the fists and liked their hands exceedingly (for some of them had ten or twelve several hands & could counterfeit any thing) but perceiving by the copies of their countenances, that for all their good letters, they writ abominable bad English, and that the world would think the Devil a Dunce, if there came false Orthography from him (though there be no truth in his budget) away he gallops from those tell-tales (the Schoolmasters) damning himself to the pit of Hell, if Pierce penniless should ever get a good word at his hands.  
I hearing this, and fearing that the poor Suppliant should lose his longing, and be sent away with Si nihil attuleris, resolved (even out of my love to Pierce penniless, because he hath been always a companion to Scholars,) to do that for nothing, which a number would not for any money.  
I fell to my tools (pen, ink, and paper) roundly, but the Head warden of the Horners (signor Beco Diavolo) after he had cast up what lay in his stomach, suspecting that I came rather as a spy to betray him, then as a spirit to run of his errands, and that I was more likely to have him to Barber Surgeons hall, there to Anatomize him, then to a Barber's shop to trim him neatly, would by no means have the answer go forward: Notwithstanding, having examined him upon Interrogatories, and thereby sifting him to the very bran. I swore by Helicon, (which he could never abide) that because 'tis out a fashion to bring a Devil upon the Stage, he should (spite of his spitting fire and Brimstone) be a Devil in print. Enraged at which, he flung away in a fury, and leapt into Barathrum, whilst I mustered all my wits about me, to fight against this Captain of the damned Crew, and discover his Stratagems.  
Wonder is the daughter of ignorance, none but fools therefore will marvel, how I and this Grand Sophy of the whore of Babylon came to be so familiar together, or how we met, or how I knew where to find him, or what Charms I carried about me whilst I talked with him, or where (if one had occasion to use his Divellship) a Porter might fetch him with a wet finger.  
Tush, these are silly inquisitions; his acquaintance is more cheap, than a common Fiddlers; his lodging is more known than an English Bawds, a midwives or a physicians; and his walks, more open to all Nations, than those upon the Exchange, where at every step a man is put in mind of Babel, there is such a confusion of languages. For in the Term time, my Cavaliero Cornuto runs sweatingup and down between Temple-bar, and Westminster hall, in the habit of a knight Errand, a swearing knight, or a knight of the Post: All the Vacation you may either meet him at dicing Ordinaries, like a captain; at cocke-pits, like a young country gentleman; or else, at a bowling ally in a flat cap, like a shop keeper: every market day you may take him in Cheapside, poorly attired like an Engrosser, and in the afternoons, in the twopeny rooms of a Playhouse, like a Puny, seated Cheek by jowl with a Punk: In the heat of Summer he commonly turns Intelligencer, and carries tales between the Archduke and the Grave: In the depth of Winter, he sits tippling with the Flemings in their towns of Garrison.  
Having therefore (as Chambermaids use to do sor their Lady's faces overnight) made ready my colours, the pencil being in my hand, my card lined, my needle (that caper's over two and thirty points of the Compass) touched to the quick, East, West, North, and South, the four Trumpeters of the World, that never blow themselves out of breath, like four dropsy Dutch Captains standing Sentinels in their quarters, I will ingeniously and boldly give you the Map of a country, that jyes lower than the 17. valleys of Belgia, yea lower then the Coalpits of Newcastle, is far more dark, far more dreadful, and fuller of knavery, than the Colliers of those fireworks are.  
The name of this strange Country is Hell; In discovery of which, the Quality of the Kingdom, the condition of the Prince, the estate of the people, the Traffic thither (marry no transportation of goods from thence) shallbe painted to the life. It is an Empire, that jyes under the Torrid Zone, and by that means is hotter at Christmas, then 'tis in Spain or France (which are counted plaguy hot Countries) at Midsummer, or in England when the dog days bite sorest: for to say truth (because ti's sin to bely the Devil) the Universal Region is built altogether upon Stoves and Hotte-houses, you cannot set foot into it, but you have a Fieri facias served upon you: for like the Glass-house Furnace in Blackfriar's, the bonfires that are kept there, never go out; insomuch that all the Inhabitants are almost broiled like Carbonadoes with the sweeting sickness, but the best is (or rather the worst) none of them die on't.  
And such dangerous hot shots are all the women there, that whosoever meddles with any of them is sure to be burnt: It stands farther off then the Indies: yet to see the wonderful power of Navigation, if you have but aside Wind, you may sail sooner thither, than a married man can upon S. Luke's day to Cuckold's haven, from S. Katherine's, which upon sound experience, and by the opinion of many good Mariners, may be done in less than half an hour. If you travel by land to it, the ways are delicate, even, spacious, and very fair, but toward the end very fowl: the paths are beaten more bare, than the livings of Churchmen. You never turn, when you are traveling thither, but keep altogether on the left hand, so that you cannot lose yourself, unless you desperately do it of purpose.  
The miles are not half so long as those between Colchester and Ipswich in England, nor a quarter so dirty in the wrath of Winter, as your French miles are at the fall of the leaf.  
Some say, it is an Island, embrac'de about with certain Rivers, called the waters of Sorrow: Others prove by infallible Demonstration, that 'tis a Continent, but so little beholden to Heaven, that the Sun never comes amongst them.  
How so ever it be, this is certain, that 'tis exceeding rich, for all Usurers both jews and Christians, after they have made away their Souls for money here, meet with them there again: You have of all Trades, of all Professions, of all States some there: you have Popes there, aswell as here, Lords there, as well as here, Knights there aswell as here, aldermans there, aswell as here, Ladies there, aswell as here, Lawyers there, aswell as here, Soldiers march there by millions, so do Citizens, so do Farmers, very few Poets can be suffered to live there, the Colonel of Conjurers drives them out of his Circle, because he fears they'll write libels against him: yet some pitiful fellows (that have faces like fire-drakes, but wits cold as Whetstones, and more blunt) not Poets indeed, but ballad-makers, rub out there, and write Infernals: Marry players swarm there as they do here, whose occupation being smelled out, by the Cacodaemon, or head officer of the Country, to be lucrative, he purposes to make up a company, and to be chief sharer himself, De quibus suo loco, of whose doings you shall hear more by the next carrier: but here's the mischief, you may find the way thither, though you were blinder than Superstition, you may be set ashore there, for less than a Sculler's fare: Any Vintner's boy, that has been cupbearer to one of the 7. deadly sins but half his years, any Merchant of maiden heads, that brings commodities out of Virginia, can direct you thither: But neither they nor the weather-beatenst Cosmographical Starre-catcher of 'em all, can take his oath, that it lies just under such an Horizon, whereby many are brought into a fools Paradise, by gladly believing that either there's no such place at all, or else, that 'tis built by Enchantment, and stands upon Fairy ground, by reason such pinching and nipping is known to be there, and that how well favoured soever we depart hence, we are turned to Changelings, if we tarry there but a minute.  
These Territories, notwithstanding of Tartary, will I undermine and blow up to the view of all eyes, the black & dismal shores of this Phlegetonticke Ocean, shall be in ken, as plainly as the white (now unmaydend breasts of our own Island:) China, Peru and Cartagena, were never so rifled: the winning of Cales, was nothing to the ransacking of this Troy that's all on fire: the very bowels of these Infernal Antipodes, shall be ripped up, and pulled out, before that great Diego of Devils his own face: Nay, since my flag of defiance is hung forth, I will yield to no truce, but with such Tamburlaine-like fury march against this great Turk, and his legions, that Don Belzebub shall be ready to dam himself, and be horn-mad: for with the conjuring of my pen, all Hell shall break loose.  
Assist me therefore, thou Genius of that ven. trous, but jealous musician of Thrace (Euridices husband) who being besotted on his wife (of which sin none but Cuckolds should be guilty) went alive (with his fiddle at's back,) to see if he could bail her out of that adamantine prison; the fees he was to pay for her, were jigs and country dances: he paid them: the forfeits, if he put on yellow stockings & looked back upon her, was her everlasting lying there, without bail or mainprize: the loving coxcomb could not choose but look back, and so lost her, (perhaps he did it, because he would be rid of her.) The moral of which is, that if a man leave his own business, and have an eye to his wives doings, she'll give him the slip, though she run to the Devil for her labour, Such a journey (sweet Orpheus) am I to undertake, but jove forbid my occasion should be like thine; for if the Marshal himself should rake Hell for wenches, he could not find worse, (no nor so bad) there, as are here upon earth. It were pity any woman should be damned, for she would have tricks (once in a moon) to put the Devil forth of his wits. Thou (most clear throated singing man,) with thy harp (to the twinkling of which, inferior spirits skipped like goats over the Welsh mountains) hadst privilege, because thou wert a Fiddler, to be sawey, and to pass and repass through every room, and into every nook of the devils wine-celler: Inspire me therefore with thy cunning that carried thee thither, and thy courage that brought thee from thence, teach me which way thou wentest in, and how thou scapt'st out, guide me in true fingering, that I may strike those tunes which thou play'dst (every dinner and supper) before that Emperor of Low Germany, and the brabbling States under him: Lucifer himself danced a Lancashire Hornpipe, whilst thou wert there. If I can but harp upon thy string, he shall now for my pleasure tickle up the Spanish Pavin. I will call upon no Midwives to help me in those Throws, which (after my brains are fallen in labour) I must suffer, (yet Midwives may be had up at all hours) nor upon any conjuror, (yet conjurers, thou know'st, are fellow and fellowlike with Monsieur Malediction, as Punks are, who raze him likewise up continually in their Circaean Circles) or as Brokers are, who day and night study the black Art: No, no (thou Mr of thy musical company) I sue to none, but to thee, because of thy Pricksong: For Poetry (like honesty and old Soldiers) goes upon lame feet, unless there be music in her.  
And thou, into whose soul (if ever there were a Pythagorean Metempsuchosis) the raptures of that fiery and inconfinable Italian spirit were bounteously and boundlessly infused, thou sometimes Secretary to Pierce penniless, and Master of his requests, ingenious, ingenuous, fluent, facetious, T. Nash: from whose abundant pen, honey flowed to thy friends, and mortal Aconite to thy enemies: thou that madest the Doctor a flat Dunce, and beatest him at two sundry tall Weapons, Poetry, and Oratory: Sharpest Satire, Luculent Poet, Elegant Orator, get leave for thy Ghost, to come from her abiding, and to dwell with me a while, till she hath carowsed to me in her own wont full measures of wit, that my plump brains may swell, and burst into bitter invectives against the Lieftennant of Limbo, if he cashier Pierce penniless with dead pay. But the best is, Facilis descensus Auerni, we may quickly have a ring through his nose if he do: It's but slipping down a hill, & you shall fall into the devils lap presently. And that's the reason (because his sinfulness is so double-diligent, as to be at your elbow with a call, wherein he gives good examples to Drawers, if they had grace to follow his steps) that you swallow down that News first, which should be eaten last: For you see at the beginning, the Devil is ready to open his mouth for an Answer, before his hour is come to be set to the Bar.  
Since therefore, a Tale of the whole voyage would make any liquorish mouthed Newes-monger lick his lips after it, no man's teeth shall water any longer, he shall have it; for a very brief Chronicle shallbe gathered, of all the memorable occurrents, that presented themselves to the view of our wandering Knight in his journey, the second part of Erra paters Almanac, whose shoes, Plato's Cap was not worthy to wipe, shall come forth, & without lying (as you Calendermongers use to do,) tell what weather we had all the way he went, to a drop of rain: we will not lose him, from the first minute of his jumping a shipboard, to the last of his leaping a shore, and arrival at Tamor Cham's Court (his good Lord and Master) the Devil.  
The Post therefore having put up his packet, blows his horn, and gallops all the way, like a Citizen, so soon as ever he's on horseback, down to Billingsgate, for he meant when the Tide served to angle for Souls & some other fresh fish in that goodly fishpond the Thames, as he passed over it, in Gravesend Barge: that was the water coach he would ride in, there he knew he should meet with some voluntaries that would venture along with him: In this passage through the City, what a number of Lord Mayor, Alderman's, and rich Commoners sons and heirs kept a hallowing out at Taverne-windowes to our knight, and wafted him to their Gascoigne shores with their hats only, (for they had molted away all their feathers) to have him strike sail & come up to them: he veiled, and did so: their fantastic salutations being complemented, with much entreaty (because he stood upon Thorns) he was advanced (in regard of his Knighthood) to the upper end of the board: you must take out your writing tables, and note by the way, that every room of the house was a Cage full of such wild fowl, Et crimine ab uno disce omnes, cut up one, cut up all, they were birds all of a beak, not a Woodcock's difference among twenty dozen of them; every man had before him abale of dice, by his side a brace of Punks, and in his fist a nest of bowls. It was springtide sure, for all were full to the brims, with French being turned into English (for they swum up and down the River of Bordeaux) signified thus much, that dicing, drinking, and drabbing, (like the three seditious jews in jerusalem) were the civil plagues, that very uncivilly destroyed the Sons (but not the sins) of the City.  
The blood of the grape coming up into their cheeks, it was hard to judge, whether they blushed to see themselves in such a pickle, or looked red with anger one at another: but the troth is, their faces would take any dye but a blush-colour, and they were not made of the right mettle of courage to be angry, but their wits, (like wheels in Brunswick clocks) being all wound up, so far as they could stretch, were all going, but not one going truly.  
For some cursed their birth, some their bringing up, some railed upon their own Nation, others upon Strangers. At the last, one of these Acolasti playing at doublets with his pew-fellow (which they might well do, being almost driven to their shirts) and hearing upon what Theme the rest sung Ex tempore, out draws his poniard, and stabbing the tables, as if he meant to have murdered the thirty men, swore he could find in his heart to go presently (having drunk upsy Dutch) and piss even upon the Curmudgion his father's grave: for, says he, no man has more undone me, than he that has done most for me i'll stand to't, it's better to be the son of a Cobbler, then of a Common council man: if a cobblers son and heir run out at heels, the whoreson patch may mend himself; but we whose friends leave us well, are like hour glasses turned up, though we be never so full, we never leave running, till we have emptied ourselves, to make up the mouths of slaves, that for gain are content to lie under us, like Spaniels, fawning, and receive what falls from our superfluity. Who breeds this disease, in our bones? Whores? No, alack let's do them right, 'tis not their fault, but our mothers, our cockering mothers, who for their labour make us to be called Cockneys, or to hit it home indeed, those golden Asses our fathers.  
It is the old man, it is Adam, that lays a curse upon his Posterity: As for my Dad, 'tis well known, he had ships reeling at Sea, (the unlading of which gives me my load now, and makes me stagger on land) he had ploughs to tear up dear years out of the guts of the earth i'th' country, and yeomen's sons, North countrymen, fellows (that might have been Yeomen of the Guard for feeding,) great boys with beards, whom he took to be Prentices, (mary never any of them had the grace to be free,) and those lads (like Sarieants) tore out men's throats for him to get money in the City: he was richer than Midas, but more wretched than an Alchumist: so covetous that in gardning time, because he would not be at the cost-of a load of Earth, he pard not his nails for seven years together, to the intent the dirt that he filched under them, should serve for that purpose: So that they hung over his Fingers, like so many shooing-hornes: do but imagine how far ever any man ventured into Hell for money, and my father went a foot farther by the standard, and why did he this, think you? he was so sparing, that he would not spend so much time as went to the making up of another child, so that all was for me, he cozened young gentlemen of their land, only for me, had acres morgadgde to him by wiseacres for three hundred pounds, paid in hobby horses, dogs, bells, and lutestrings, which if they had been sold by the drum, or at an outrop, with the cry, of No man better? would never have yielded 50. li. & this he did only for me, he built a Pharos or rather a Block-house beyond the gallows at Wapping, to which the black fleet of coal carriers that came from Newcastle, struck sail, were brought a bed, and discharged their great bellies there, like whores in, at the common price with twelve pence in a chaulderover and above, thereby to make the common wealth blow her nails till they ak'de for cold, unless she gave money to sit by his fire, only for me: the poor cursed him with bell, book & candle, till he looked blacker with their execration, then if he had been blasted, but he card not what dogs barked at him, so long as they bit not me: his housekeeping was worse than an Irish Kerns, a Rat could not commit a Rape upon the paring of a moldy cheese, but he died for't, only for my sake, the lean jade Hungarian would not lay out a penny pot of sack for himself, though he had eaten stinking fresh Herring able to poison a dog, only for me, because his son and heir should drink eggs and muscadine, when he lay rotting.  
To conclude, he made no conscience, to run quick to the Devil of an errand, so I had sent him. Might not my father have been begged (think you) better than a number of scurvy things that are begged? I am persuaded, fools would be a rich Monopoly, if a wise man had 'em in hand: would they had begun with him, I'll be sworn, he was a fat one: for had he filled my pockets with silver, and the least corner of my coxcomb with wit how to save that silver, I might have been called upon by this, whereas now I am ready to give up my cloak: Had he set me to Grammar school, as I set myself to dancing school, in stead of treading Carontoes, and making Fiddlers fat with rumps of Capons, I had by this time read Homilies, and fed upon Tithe-pigges of my own vicarage, whereas now, I am ready to get into the Prodigals service, and eat jones nuts, that's to say, Acorns with swine: But men that are wisest for officers, are commonly errand woodcoks, for fathers: He that provides living for his child, and robs him of learning, turns him into a Beetle, that flies from perfumes and sweet Odours, to feed on a cow-sheard; all such rich men's darlings are either christened by some left-handed Priest, or else borne under a threepenny Planet, and then they'll never be worth a groat, though they were left Landlords of the Indies. I confess, when all my golden veins were shrunk up, and the bottom of my Patrimony came within 200. pound of unraveling, I could for all that have been dubbed: But when I saw how mine uncle played at chess, I had no stomach to be Knighted. Why, says the Post? Mary quoth he, because when I prepared to fight a battle on the Chessboard, a Knight was always better than a Pawn: But the Usurer mine Uncle made it plain, that a good pawn now was better than a Knight.  
At this the whole Chorus summos movere Cachinnos, laughed till they grind again, and called for a fresh gallon, all of them falling on their knees, and drawing out silver and guilt rapiers (the only monuments that were left of hundreds and thousands in Pecuniis numeratis, swore they would drink up these in deep Healths, to their howling fathers, so they might be sure the pledging should choke them, because they brought them into the Inn of the World, but left them not enough to pay their riotous reckonings, at their going out.  
The knight was glad he should carry such welcome news with him, as these, to the cloven-footed Synagogue, and tickled with immoderate joy, to see the world run upon such rotten wheels. Whereupon, pleading the necessity of his departure, he began first to run over his Alphabet of Congees, & then with a French Basilez, slipped out of their company.  
But they knowing to what cape he was bound, hung upon him, like so many beggars on an Almoner, importing, and conjuring him, by the love he did owe to Knighthood, and arms, and by his oath, to take up downcast Ladies whom they had there in their companies, and whom they were bound in Nature and humanity, to relieve: that he would signify to their fathers, how course the thread of life fell out to be now towards the Fag end: that therefore, if any of them had (in th days of his abomination, and idolatry to money) bound the spirit of gold, by any charms, in Caves or in iron fetters under the ground, they should for their own souls quiet (which questionless else would whine up and down) if not for the good of their children, release it, to set up their decayed estates. Or if there had been no such conjuring in their life times, that they would take up money of the Devil, (though they forfeited their bonds) & lay by it for ever, or else get leave with a Keeper, to try how much they might be trusted for among their old customers upon earth, though within two days after, they proved Banke-rupts by Proclamation. The Postmaster of Hell plainly told them, that if any so Seditious a fellow as gold, were cast into Prison: their fathers would never give their consent to have him ransomed: because there's more greediness among them below, then can be in the Hye-land countries above: so that if all the Lordships in Europe were offered in Mortgage for a quarter their value, not so much as 13. pence half penny can be had from thence, though a man would hang himself for it: And as for their father's walking abroad with keepers, alas, they lie there upon such heavy Executions, that they cannot get out for their souls. He counsels them therefore to draw arrows out of another quiver, for that these marks stand out of their reach, the ground of which counsel, they all vow to traverse: Some of them resolving to cast out liquorish baits, to catch old, (but fleshly) wealthy widows, the fire of which sophisticated love, they make account shall not go out, so long as any drops of gold can be distilled from them: Others swear to live and die in a man of War, though such kind of Thievery be more stale than Seabeefe: the rest, that have not the hearts to shed blood, having reasonable stocks of wit, mean to employ 'em in the sins of the Suburbs, though the Pox lies there as death's Legyer: For since man is the clock of time, they'll all be times Sextens, and set the Dial to what hours they list.  
Our Vant'currer applauded the lots which they drew for themselves, and offered to pay some of the Tavern Items: but they protesting he should not spend a Baw-bee, as he was true knight consedere Deuces, they sat down to their Wine, and he hasted to the water.  
By this time is he landed at Gravesend, (for they whom the Devil drives, feel no lead at their heels) what stuff came along with him in the Bargc, was so base in the weaving, that 'tis too bad to be set out for sale: It was only Luggadge, therefore throw it over board. From thence hoisting up sail into the Main, he struck in among the Dunkirks, where he encountered such a number of all Nations with the dregs of all kingdoms vices dropping upon them, and so like the Black Gentleman, his Master, that he had almost thought himself at home, so near do those that lie in Garrison there, resemble the Desperuatoes that fill up Pluto's Muster-book: But his head beating on a thousand Anvils, the scolding of the Cannon drew him speedily from thence: So that creeping up along by the rank Flemish shores (like an Eavesdropper) to whisper out what the brabbling was, he only set down a note for his memory, that the States sucking Poison out of the sweet flower of Peace, but keeping their coffers sound and healthful by the bitter pills of War, made their country a pointing stock to other Nations, and a miserable Anatomy to themselves.  
The next place he called in at, was France, where the Gentlemen, to make Apes of Englishmen, whom they took daily practising all the foolish tricks of fashions after their Monsieur-ships, with yards in stead of leading staves, mustered all the French Tailors together, who, by reason they had thin hair, wore thimbles on their heads in stead of Harness caps, every man being armed with his shears and pressing Iron, which he calls there his goose (many of them being in France:) All the cross caperers being placed in strong ranks, and an excellent oration cut out and stitched together, persuading them to sweat out their very brains, in devising new french cuts, new french colours, new french codpieces, and new french panes in honour of Saint Dennys, only to make the giddy-pated Englishman consume his revenues in wearing the like clothes, which on his back at the least can show but like cast suits being the second edition, whilst the poor French peasant jets up and down, (like a Pantaloon) in the old threadbare cloak of the Englishman, so that we buy fashions of them to feather our pride, and they borrow rags from us to cover their beggary. The Spaniard was so busy in touching heaven with a lance, that our Knight of the burning shield, could not get him at so much leisure, as to eat a dish of Pilchers with him. The gulf of Venice he purposes shall therefore swallow a few hours of his observation, where he no sooner sets footing on shore, but he encounters with Lust, so civilly suited, as if it had been a merchants wife: Whoremongers there, may utter their commodities as lawfully, as Costermongers here, they are a company as free, and have as large privileges for what they do, as any of the twelve Companies in London. In other countries Lechery is but a Chambermaid: Here, a great Lady: she's a retailer and has warrant to sell souls, and other small wares, under the Seal of the City: Sin here keeps open market: Damnation has a price set upon it, and dares go to Law for her own: For a Courtesans action of the Case, will hold aswell as a usurers plea of debt, for ten i'th' hundred. If Bridewell stood in Venice, a golden key (more easily than an iron picklock) would open all the doors of it: For Lechery here lies night and day with one of pride's daughters (Liberty,) and so far is the infection of this Pestilence spread, that every boy there has much harlot in his eyes: Religion goes all in changeable silks, and wears as many masks as she does colours: Churches stand like Rocks, to which very few approach, for fear of suffering shipwreck.  
The seven deadly sins, are there in as great authority, as the seven Electors in Germany, and women in greater than both: In so much as drunkenness, which was once the Dutchman's headache, is now become the englishman's: so jealousy, that at first was whipped out of Hell, because she tormented even Devils, lies now every hour in the Venetians bosom: Every noble man grows there like a Beech tree, for a number of beasts couch under his shade: every gentleman aspires rather to be counted great then good, weighing out good words by pounds, and good deeds by drams: their promises are Eves, their performances holidays, for they work hard upon the one, and are idle on the other: Three things there are dog-cheap, learning, poor men's sweat, and oaths: farmers in that country are petty Tyrants, and Landlords, Tyrants over those farmers, Epicures grow as fat there, as in England, for you shall have a slave eat more at a meal, than ten of the Guard, and drink more in two days, than all Maningtree does at a Whitsun ale. Our Rankrider of the Stygian bordenrs, seeing how well these Pupils profited under their Italian Schoolmaster, and that all countries lived obedient to the Luciferan laws, resolved to change Post-hors no more, but to conclude his Peregrination, having seen fashions, and gotten tabletalk enough by his travel. In a few minutes therefore is he come to the bankside of Acheron, where you are not baited by whole kennels of yelping watermen, as you are at Westminster-bridge, and ready to be torn in pieces to have two pence rowed out of your purse: no, Ship writes there could hardly live, there's but one boat, & in that one, Charon is the only Ferryman, so that if a Cales Knight should bawl his heart out, he cannot get a pair of oars there, to do him grace with (I plied your worship first) but must be glad to go with a Sculler: By which means, though the fare be small (for the waterman's wages was at first but a half penny, than it came to a penny, 'tis now mended, and is grown to three half pence, for all things wax dear in Hell, as well as upon earth, by reason 'tis so populous) yet the gains of it are greater in a quarter, than ten Western Barges get in a year: Dotchet Ferry comes nothing near it.  
It is for all the world, like Gravesend Barge: and the passengers privileged alike, for there's no regard of age, of sex, of beauty, of riches, of valour, of learning, of greatness, or of birth: He that comes in first, sits no better than the lost.  
Will Summer gives not Richard the Third the cushions, the Duke of Guise and the Duke of Shoreditch have not the breadth of a bench between them, jane Shore and a Goldsmith's wife are no better one than another.  
Kings & Clowns, Soldiers & Cowards, Churchmen and Sextons, Aldermen, and Cobblers, are all one to Charon: For his Naulum, Lucke (the old Recorders fool) shall have as much mat, as Sir Lancelot of the Lake: He knows, though they had an oar in every man's Boat in the World, yet in his they cannot challenge so much as a Stretcher: And therefore (though he sails continually with wind and Tide,) he makes the proudest of them all, to stay his leisure. It was a Comedy, to see what a crowding (as if it been at a new Play) there was upon the Acherontique Strand, so that the Post was fain to tarry his turn, because he could not get near enough the shore: He purposed therefore patiently to walk up and down, till the Coast was clear, and to note the cödition of all the passengers. Amongst whom there were Courtiers, that brought with 'em whole trunks of apparel, which they had bought, and large patents for Monopolies, which they had begged: Lawyers loaden with Leases, and with purchased Lordships, Clergy men, so pursy and so windless with bearing three or four Church livings, that they could scarce speak: M●rchants laden with gabs of gold, for which they had robbed their prince's custom: Scholars with Aristotle and Ramus in cloak-bags, (as if they meant to pull down the Devil) in disputation, being the subtilest Logician, but full of Sophistry: captains, some in guilt armour (unbattred,) some in buff jerkins, plated o'er with massy silver lace, (rayzd out of the ashes of dead pay,) and bankrupt citizens, in swarms like porters sweeting basely under the burdens of that, for which other men had sweat honestly before. All which (like Burghers in a netherlands town taken by freebooters) were compelled to throw down bag and baggage, before they could have passport to be shipped into the Flemish Hoy of Hell: For if every man should be suffered to carry with him out of the world that which he took most delight in, it were enough to drown him, and to cast away the vessel he goes in: Charon therefore strips them of all, and leaves them more bare than Irish beggars: And glad they were (for all their howling to see themselves so fleeced) that for their silver they could have wastage over. In therefore they thrung, some wading up to the knees, and those were young men: they were loath to make too much haste, swearing they came thither before their time:  
Some, up to the middles, and those were women, they seeing young men go before them, were ashamed not to venture farther than they: Others waded up to the chin, & the old men, they seeing their gold taken from them, were desperate, and would have drowned themselves: but that Charon slipping his Oar under their bellies, tossed them out of the water, into his Wherry. The boat is made of nothing but the worm-eaten ribs of coffins, nailed together, with the splinters of fleshless shinbones, digged out of graves, being broken in pieces. The skulls that he rows with, are made of Sexton's spades, which had been hung up at the end of some great Plague, the bench he sits upon, a rank of dead men's skulls. The worst of them having been an Emperor, as great as Charlemagne: And a huge heap of their beards serving for his cushion: the Mast of the boat is an arm of an Yew tree, whose boughs (in stead of Rosemary) had wont to be worn at burials: The sail, two patched winding sheets, wherein a Broker and an Usurer had been laid for their linen, will last longest, because it comes commonly out of Lavender & is seldom worn.  
The waterman himself is an old grisly-faced fellow: a beard filthier than a Baker's malkin that he sweeps his oven, which hung full of knotted Elf-locks, and serves him for a Swabber in soul weather to cleanse his Hulk: A pair of eyes staring so wide (by being bleared with the wind) as if the lids were lifted up with gags to keep them open: More salt Rewmatick water runs out of them, than would pickle all the Herrings that shall come out of Yarmouth: A pair of hands so hard and scaled over with dirt, that passengers think he wears gauntlets, and more stinkingly musty are they than the fists of night-men, or the fingers of bribery, which are never clean: His breath belches out nothing but rotten damps, which lie so thick and foggy, on the face of the Waters, that his Fare is half choked, ere they can get to land: The seacoal furnaces of ten Brew-howses, make not such a smoke, nor the Tallow pans of fifteen Chandler's (when they melt,) send out such a smell: he's dreadful in looks, and currish in language, yet as kind as a courtier where he takes. He sits in all storms bareheaded, for if he had a cap, he would not put it of to a Pope: A gown girt to him (made all of Wolves skins) tanned (figuring his greediness) but worn out so long, that it has almost worn away his elbows: he's thick of hearing to them that sue to him, but to those against whose wills he's sent for, a Fiddler hears not the creeking of a window sooner.  
As touching the River, look how More-ditch shows, when the water is three quarters drained out, and by reason the Stomach of it is overloaded, is ready to fall to casting so does that, it stinks almost worse, is almost as poisonous, altogether so muddy, altogether so black: In taste very bitter, yet to those that know how to distill these deadly waters,) very wholesome.  
Charon, having discharged his freight, the Packetcaryer (that all this while waited on the other side,) cried A boat, a boat: His voice was known by the tune, and (weary though he were) over to him comes our Ferryman. To whom (so soon as ever he was set) Charon complains what a bawling there has been, with what Fares he has been posted, and how much tugging (his boat being so thwacked) he has split one of his Oars, and broken his Bid-hooke, so that he can row but lazily, till it be mended. And were it not that the soul pays excessive Rent for dwelling in the body, he swears (by the Stygian Lake,) he would not let 'em pass thus for a trifle, but raze his price: why may not he do it as well as Punks and tradesmen? Hereupon he brags what a number of gallant fellows and goodly wenches went lately over with him, whose names he has in his book and could givehim, but that they earnestly entreated not to have their names spread any farther (for their heirs sakes) because most of them were too great in some men's books already. The only wonder (says Charon) that these passengers drive me into, is, to see how strangely the world is altered since Pluto and Proserpina were married: For whereas in the old time, men had wont to come into his boat all slashed, (some with one arm, some with never a leg, and others with heads like calves cleft to their shoulders, and the mouths of their very wounds gaping so wide, as if they were crying A boat, a boat,) now chose, his fares are none, but those that are poisoned by their wives for lust, or by their heirs for living, or burnt by whores, or reeling into hell out of taverns: or if they happen to come bleeding, their greatest glory is a stab, upon the giving of a lie.  
So that if the three Destinies spin no finer threads then these, men must either, (like Aesculapius) be made immortal for mere pity sake, and be sent up to jupiter, or else the Land of Blackamoor's must be made bigger: for the great Lord of Tartary will shortly have no room for all his retainers, which would be a great dishonour to him, considering he's now the only housekeeper.  
By this time, Charon looking before him (as Watermen use to do) that's to say, behind him, spied he was hard at shore: whereupon seeing he had such doings (that if it held still) he must needs take a servant (and so make a pair of oars for Pluto) he offered great wages to the Knight Passant, to be his journeyman: but he being only for the devils land service, told him he could not give over his service, but assuring him, he would inform his Mr. (the King of Erebus) of all that was spoken, he paid the boat hire fitting his Knighthood, leapt ashore and so parted.  
The ways are so plain, & our travailer on foot so familiar with them, that he came sooner to the court gates of Avernus, than his fellow (the Wherry-man) could fasten his hook on the other side of Acheron: The porter (though he knew him well enough and fawned upon him,) would not let him pass, till he had his due: for every officer there is as greedy of his Fees, as they are here. You mistake, if you imagine that Pluto's porter is like one of those big fellows that stand like Cyants at Lords gates) having bellies bombasted with ale in Lambs-wool, and with Sacks: and cheeks strutting out (like two footebals) being blown up with powder beef & brewis: yet he's as surly as those Key-turners are, but looks as little more scurvily: No, no, this doorekeeper waits not to take money of those that pass in, to behold the Infernal Tragedies, neither has he a lodge to dine & sup in, but only a kennel, and executes his bawling office merely for victuals: his name is Cerberus, but the household call him more properly, The Black dog of Hell: He has three heads, but no hair upon them, (the place is too hot to keep hair on) for in stead of hair they are all curled over with snakes, which reach from the crowns of his 3. heads alongst the ridge of his back to his very tail, & that's wreathed like a dragons: twenty couple of hounds make not such a damnable noise, when they howl, as he does when he barks: his property is to wag his tail, when any comes for entrance to the gate, & to lick their hands, but upon the least offer to scape out, he leaps at their throats; sure he's a mad dog, for wheresoever he bites, it rankles to the death. His eyes are ever watching, his ears ever listening, his paws ever catching, his mouths are gaping: Insomuch, that day & night, he lies howling to be sent to Paris Garden, rather than to be used, so like a cur as he is.  
The Post, to stop his throat, threw him a Sop, and whyl'st he was devouring of that, he passed through the gates. No sooner was he entered, but he met with thousands of miserable souls, pyneond and dragged in chains to the Bar, where they were to receive their trial, with bitter lamentations bewailing (all the way as they went) and with loud execrations cursing the bodies with whom they sometimes frollickly kept company, for leading them to those impieties, for which they must now (even to their utter undoing) dearly answer: it was quarter Sessions in Hell, and though the Postmaster had been at many of their Arraignments, & knew the horror of the Executions, yet the very sight of the prisoners struck him now into an astonishable amazement.  
On not withstanding he goes, with intent to deliver the Supplication, but so busy was the Behomoth (the prince of the Devils) and such a press was within the Court, and about the Bar, that by no thrusting or shouldering, could he get access; the best time for him must be, to watch his rising, at the adiourning of the Sessions, and therefore he screws himself by all the insinuating Art he can, into the thickest of the crowed, & within reach of the clerk of the pieces voice, to hear all their Inditements.  
The judges are set, (being three in number) severe in look, sharp in justice, shrill in voice, unsubiect passion: the prisoners are souls, that have committed Treason against their Creation: they are called to the Bar, their number infinite, their crimes numberless: The jury that must pass upon them, are their sins, who are impaneled out of the several countries, and are sworn to find whose Conscience is the witness, who upon the book of their lives, where all their deeds are written, gives in dangerous evidence against them, the Furies (who stand at the elbow of their Conscience) are there ready with stripes to make them confess, for either they are the Beadels of Hell that whip souls in Lucifer's Bridewell, or else his Executioners to put them to worse Torments: The Inditements are of several qualities, according to the several offences; Some are arraigned for ambition in the Court; Some for corruption in the Church; Some for cruelty in the camp; Some for hollow-hartednes in the City; Some for eating men alive in the Country, every particular soul has a particular sin, at his heels to condemn him, so that to plead not guilty, were folly: to beg for mercy, madness: for if any should do the one, he can put himself upon none but the devil & his angels: and they (to make quick work) give him his passport. If do the other, the hands of ten Kings under their great Seals will not be taken for his pardon. For though Conscience comes to this Court, poor in attire, diseased in his flesh, wretched in his face, heavy in his gate, and hoarse in his voice, yet carries he such stings within him, to torture himself, if he speak not truth, that every word is a judges sentence, and when he has spoken, the accused is suffered neither to plead for himself, nor to fee any Lawyer, to argue for him.  
In what a lamentable condition therefore stands the unhappy prisoner, his Indictment is Impleadable, his evidence irrefutable, the fact impardonable, the judge impenetrable, the judgement formidable: the tortures insufferable, the manner of them inutterable: he must endure a death without dying, torments ending with worse beginnings, by his shrieks others shall be affrighted, himself afflicted, by thousands pointed at, by not one amongst millions pitied, he shall see no good that may help him, what he most does love, shallbe taken from him, and what he most doth loath, shallbe powered into his bosom. Add hereunto the said cogitation of that dismal place, to which he is condemned, the remembrance of which, is almost as dolorous, as the punishments there to be endured. In what colours shall I lay down the true shape of it? Assist me Invention.  
Suppose that being gloriously attired, deliciously feasted, attended on majestically, Music charming thine ear, beauty thine eye; & that in the very height of all worldly pomp that thought can aspire to, thou shouldest be tumbled down, from some high goodly pinnacle, (builded for thy pleasure) into the bottom of a Lake, whose depth is immeasurable, and circuit incomprehensible: And that being there, thou shouldest in a moment be ringed about, with all the murderers that ever have been since the first foundation of the world, with all the Atheists, all the Church-robbers, all the Incestuous Ravishers, and all the polluted villains, that ever sucked damnation from the breasts of black Impiety, that the place itself is gloomy, hideous, and in accessible, pestilent by damps, and rotten vapours, haunted with spirits, and pitched all over, with clouds of darkness, so clammy and palpable, that the eye of the Moon is too dull to pierce through them, and the fires of the Sun too weak to dissolve them, then that a Sulphurous stench must still strike up into thy nostrils, Adders & Toads be still crawling on thy bosom, Mandrakes and night Ravens still shrieking in thine ear, Snakes ever sucking at thy breath, and which way soever thou turnest, a fire flashing in thine eyes, yet yielding no more light than what with a glimpse may show others how thou art tormented, or else show unto thee the tortures of others, and yet the flames to be so devouring in the burning, that should they but glow upon mountains, of Iron, they were able to melt them like mountains of snow. And last of all, that all these horrors are not woven together, to last for years, but for ages of worlds, yea for worlds of ages; Into what gulf of desperate calamity, would not the poorest beggar now throw himself headlong, rather than to taste the least dram of this bitterness, If imagination can give being to a more miserable place than this described? Such a one, or worse than such a one, is that, into which the guilty souls are led captive, after they have their condemnation. And what tongue is able to relate the groans and ululations of a wretch so distressed, a hundred pens of steel would be worn blunt in the description, and yet leave it unfinished.  
Let us therefore since the Infernal Sessions are rejourned, & the court breaking up, seek out his knightship who having waited all this while for the Devil, hath by this time delivered to his paws, the Supplication for poor Pierce Pennyles, and so, Masuolio his Secretary is reading it to him, but before he was up to the middle of it, the work master of Witches, snatched away the paper, and thrust it into his bosom in great choler, railing at his Letter carrier, & threatening to have him lashed by the Furies, for his loitering so long, or Cauterizde with hot Irons for a Fugitive. But Mephistopheles discoursing from point, to point, what pains he had taken in the Survey of every Country, and how he had spent his time there, Sergeant Satan gave him his blessing, and told him that during his absence) both Pierce Pennyles and the Poet that writ for him, have been landed by Charon, of whom he willed to inquire within what part of their dominion, they have taken up their lodging, his purpose is, to answer every word, by word of mouth, yet because he knows, that at the return of his post ship, and walking upon the exchange of the world, (which he charges him to hasten for the good of the Stygian kingdom that altogether stands upon quick traffic) they will flutter about him, crying, What news, what news? what squibs, or rather what pieces of ordinance doth the M. Gunner of Gehenna discharge against so saucy a suitor, that by the Artillery of his Secretary's pen, hath shaken the walls of his kingdom, and made so wide a breach, that any Sir Giles may look into his, and his Officers doings: to stop their mouths with some thing, stop them with this: That touching the enlargement of Gold, (which is the first branch of the Petition) So it is that Plutus his kinsman (being the only setter up of tempting Idols) was borne a Cripple, but had his eyesight as fair as the day, for he could see the faces and fashions of all men in the world, in a twinkling. At which time, for all he went upon Crutches, he made shift to walk abroad with many of his friends, Marry they were none but good men. A Poet, or a Philosopher, might then have sooner had his company, than a justice of Peace: Virtue at that time, went in good clothes, and vice fed upon beggary. Alms baskets, honesty and plain dealing, had all the Trades in their own hands, So that Unthrifts, Cheaters, and the rest of their Faction, (though it were the greater) were borne down, for not an Angel durst be seen to drink in a Tavern with them: whereupon they were all in danger to be famished. Which enormity, jupiter wisely looking into, and seeing Plutus dispersing his gifts amongst none but his honest brethren, struck him (either in anger or envy) stark blind, so that ever since he hath played the good fellow, for now every gull may lead him up and down like Guy, to make sports in any drunken assembly, now he regards not who thrusts his hands into his pockets, nor what money they take out, nor how it is spent, a fool shall have his heart now, assoon as a Physician: And an Ass that cannot spell, go laden away with double Ducats from his Indian Storehouse, when Ibis Homer, that hath lain sick seventeen years together of the University plague, (watching and want) only in hope at the last to find some cure, shall not for an hundred weight of good Latin, receive a twopenny weight in Silver, his ignorance (arising from his blindness) is the only cause of this Comedy of errors: so that until some Quacksalver or other (either by the help of Tower hill water, or any other, either physical or chirurgical means) can pick out that pin and a web, which is stuck into both his eyes (and that will very hardly be) It is irrevocably set down, in the Adamantine book of Fate, that gold shall be a perpetual slave to slaves, a drudge to fools, a fool to make Woodcocks merry, whilst wisemen mourn: or if at any time he chance to break prison, and fly for refuge into the chamber of a Courtier, to a mere hawking country Gentleman, to an Alderman's heir, to a young student at the law, or to any tradesman's eldest son, that rides forth to cast up his father's reckonings in fortified Taverns, Such mighty search shall be made for him, such Hue and Cry after him, and such misrule kept, until he be smeltout, that poor gold must be glad to get out of their company, Castles cannot protect him, but he must be apprehended, and suffer for it. Now as touching the seven leaved tree, of the deadly sins, (which Peirce-Pennilesse would have hewn down,) his request is unreasonable, for that grows so rank in every man's garden, and the flowers of it worn so much in every woman's bosom, that till the last general Autumnian quarter of the dreadful year, when whole kingdoms (like sear and sapless leaves) must be shaken in pieces by the consuming breath of fire, and all the fruits of the earth be raked together, by the spirit of Storms, and burnt in one heap like stubble, till then, it is impossible to clear the oaken forehead of it, or to lop off any of the branches. And let this satisfy itching Newes-hunters, for so much of mine answer to the poor fellows Supplication, as I mean to have published to the world: what more I have to utter, shall be in his ear, because he was more busy in his prating then a Barber, with thee my servant, about my household affairs, & therefore it is to be doubted he lurks within our Cimmerian Provinces, but as an Intelligencer, which if it be proved, he shall buy it with his soul; dispatch therefore (my faithful Incarnate Devil) proclaim these things to the next Region above us.  
Go & deliver my most-most hearty condemnations to all those that steal subjects hearts from their Sovereigns, say to althose, they shall have my letters of Mart for their piracy: factious Gnyziards, that lay trains of sedition to blow up the commonwealth, I hug them as my children, to all those churchmen that bind themselves together in schisms, like bundles of thorns, only to prick the sides of Religion, till her heart bleed: I will give them new orders; To all those that strip Orphans out of their portions, they shall be mine Ingles: To all those that untile their Neighbours houses, that whilst storms are beating them out, they themselves may enter in, bestow upon such officers of mine, a thousand condemnations from their master, though they be sitting at King Arthur's round Table: When thou dost thy message, they shall have Tenements of me for nothing in hell. In brief, tell all the Brokers in Long-Lane, Houns-ditch, or else where, which all the rest of their Colleagned Suburbians, that deal upon overworn commodities, and whose souls are to us impawned, that they lie safe enough, and that no cheater shall hook them out of our hands, bid them sweat and swear in their vocation (as they do hourly) if thou being a knight of the Post, canst not help them to oaths, that may make them get the devil & all, they have a sound Card on their sides, for I myself will Abi in malam, go and mind thy business.  
His warrant being thus signed, the messenger departs, but before he could get to the uttermost ferry, he met with an old, lean, meager fellow, whose eyes was sunk so deep into his head, as if they had been set in backward, his hair was thinner than his cheeks, and his cheeks so much worn awav, that when he spoke his tongue smoked, & that was burnt black, with his hot and valiant breath, was seen to move too and fro so plainly, that a wise man might have taken it for the Snuff of a candle in a Muscouie Lantern, the Barber Surgeons had begged the body of a man at a Sessions to make an Anatomy, and that Anatomy this wretched creature begged of them to make him a body, Charon had but newly landed him: yet it seemed he stood in pitiful fear, for his eyes were no bigger than pings heads, with blubbering and howling, and keeping a coil to have some body show him the nearest way to hell, which he doubted he had lost, the other puts him into a path, that would directly bring him thither, but before he bid him farewell, our black knight inquired of him what he was: who answered, that he was sometimes one that lived upon the Lechery of metals, for he could make one hundred pound be great with child, and be delivered with another in a very short time, his money (like pigeons) laid every month, he had been in upright terms, an Usurer: And understanding that he fell into the hands of the hell post, he offered him after a penny a mile, between that and the towns end he was going too, so he would be his guide.  
Which money, when the watermen came to rifle him, he swallowed down, and raked for it afterwards, because he knew not what need he should have, the ways being damnable: But the goer of the devils errands, told him, if he would allow him Pursivamts fees, he durst not earn them, he would do him any Knight's service, but to play the good Angel's part, & guide him, he must pardon him. Doctor Dives requests him (in a whining accent) to tell him if there were any rich men in hell, & if by any base drudgery which the devil shall put him too, & which heel willingly moil in, he should scrape any muck together, whether he may set up his trade in hell, & whether there be any Brokers there, that with picking straws out of poor thatched houses to build nests where his twelve pences should engender, might get feathers to his back, and their own too. To all which questions, the vault curier answers briefly, that he shall meet a number there, who once went in black velvet coats, and welted gowns, but of Brokers, there's a longer lane of them in hell, than there is in London. Marry for opening shop, & to keep a Bawdy house for Lady Pecunia, Hoc si fata negant, If the Bailiff of Barathrum deny that privilege to those that have served twice seven years in the Freedom, there's no reason a Foreigner should taste the favour.  
This news though it went coldly down, yet as those that are troubled with the toothache, inquire of others what the pain is, that have had them drawn out, and think by that means they lessen their own; So it is some ease to Sir Timothy, thirty per centum, to hearken out the worst that others have endured, he desires therefore to know how far it is from the earth to hell; and being told that hell is just so many miles from earth, as earth is from heaven, he stands in a brown study, wondering (sithence the length of the journeys were both alike to him, how it should hap, that he took rather the one path then the other. But then cursing himself that ever he fell in love with money, and that (which is contrary to nature) he ever made a cracked French Crown, beget an English Angel, he roared out, & swore, that his gold sure would damn him. For says he, my greediness to feed mine eye with that, made me starve my belly, and undo those for six pence, that were ready to starve. And into such an Apoplexy of soul, fell I into with the lust of money, that I had no sense of any other happiness: So that whilst in my Closet I sat numbering my bags, the last hour of my life was told out, before I could tell the first heap of gold. Birdlime is the sweat of the Oak tree, the dung of the Blackbird falling on that tree, turns into that slimy snare, and in that snare, is the Bird herself taken. So fares it me, money is but the excrement of the earth, in which covetous wretches (like swine) rooting continually, eat thorough the earth so long, till at length they eat themselves into hell. I see therefore, that as Hearts, being the most cowardly and heartless creatures, have also the largest horns, So we that are drudges to heaps of dross, have base and lean consciences, but the largest damnation. There appeared to Timotheus, an Athenian, Demorij umbra, and that gave him a net to catch Cities in, yet for all that he died a beggar. Sure it was Vmbra daemonis that taught me the rule of Interest: for in getting that, I have lost the principal, (my soul). But I pray you tell me, Says my Setter up of Scriveners, Must I be stripped thus out of all? Shall my Fox furde gowns be locked up from me? Must I not have so much as a shirt upon me? Heers worse pilling & polling than amongst my countrymen the Usurers, not a rag of linen about me, to hide my nakedness.  
No, says the Light Horseman of Limbo, no linen is worn here, because none can be woven strong enough to hold, neither do any such good housewives come hither as to make cloth; only the Destinies are allowed to spin, but their yarn serves to make smocks for Proserpina. You are now as you must ever be, you shall need no clothes, the Air is so extreme hot; beside, there be no Tailors suffered to live here, because (they as well as Players) have a hell of their own,) (under their shopboard) and there lie their tottered souls, patched out with nothing but rags.  
This Career being ended, our Lansquenight of Lowe-Germanie, was ready to put spurs to his horse, and take leave, because he saw what disease hung upon him, and that his companion was hard at his heels, and was loath to proceed in his journey.  
But he, Qui nummos admiratur, the pawn groper, clingde about his knees like a Horseleech, and conjured him, as ever he pitied a wretch eaten to the bare bones, by the sacred hunger of gold, that he would either bestow upon him, a short Table (such a one as is tie to the tail of most Almanacs) chalking out the hye-ways, be they never so dirty, and measuring the length of all the miles between town, and town, to the breadth of a hair, or if this Geographical request took up too much concealed land to have it granted, that yet (at last) he would tell him, whether he were to pass over any more rivers, and what the name of this filthy puddle was, over which he was lately brought by a dogged waterman, because sithence he must run into the devils mouth, he would run the nearest way, lest he wearied himself.  
Of this last request, the Lackey of this great Leviathan, promised he should be master, but he would not bring him to a miles end by land, (they were too many to meddle with). You shall understand therefore (says our wild Irish footman) that this first water (which is now cast behind you) is Acheron, It is the water of trouble, & works like a Sea in a tempest (for indeed this first is the worst) It hath a thousand creeks, a thousand windings, and turnings, It vehemently boils at the bottom (like a Cauldron of molten lead,) when on the top it is smother than a still stream: And upon great reason is it called the River of molestation, for when the soul of man is upon the point of departing from the Shores of life, and to be shipped away into another world, she is vexed with a conscience, and an auxious remembrance of all the parts that ever she played on the unruly stage of the world: She repeats not by rote, but by heart, the injuries done to others, and indignities wrought against herself: She turns over a large volume of accounts, and finds that she's run out in pride, in lusts, in riots, in blasphemies, in irreligion, in wallowing through so many enormous and detestable crimes, that to look back upon them, (being so infinite) and upon her own face (being so fowl) the very thought makes her desperate: She never spoke, or delighted to hear spoken, any bawdy language, but it now rings in her ear, never lusted after luxurious meats, but their taste is now upon her tongue, never said the sight with any licentious object, but now they come all into her eye, every wicked thought before, is now to her a dagger, every wicked word a death, every wicked act a damnation: If she scape falling into this Ocaean, she is miraculously saved from a ship wrack, he must needs be a churlish but a cunning Waterman, that steers in a Tempest so dangerous: This first River is a bitter water in taste, and unsavoury in scent, but whosoever drinks down but half a draft of his remembered former follies, Oh it cannot choose but be Amarulentum poculum, Gall is honey to it, Acheron like is a thick water, and how can it otherwise choose, being stirred with so many thousands fight perturbations.  
Having passed over this first River (as now you are) you shall presently have your way stopped with another, It's a little cut by land thither, but a tedious and dangerous voyage by water.  
Lies there a Boat ready (quoth my rich jew of Malta) to take me in so soon as I call? No, says the other, you must wait your Mariners leisure, the same wrangling fellow that was your first man, is your last man: Marry you shall lie at every havens mouth for a wind, till Belzebubs hale you▪ for Acheron, (after many circumgirations) falls into the Stygian Lake (your second River carries that name) It is the water of loathsomeness, and runs with a swifter Current than the former: for when the soul sees deaths Barge tarrying for her, she begins to be sorry for her ante-acted evils, and then she's sailing over Acheron, but when she draws the Curtain, and looks narrowly upon the pictures, which her own hand drew, and finds them to be ugly, she abhors her own workmanship, and makes haste to hoist up more Sails, and to be transported swiftly over the Stygian Torrent, whose waters are so reverend, that the gods have no other oath to swear by.  
The third River is Cocytus, somewhat clearer than both the other, and is the water of Repentance, being an Army of Styx, Many have here been cast away, and frozen to death, when the River hath waxen cold, (as oftentimes it doth) neither are all sorts of souls suffered to sail upon it, for to some (as if the water had sense and could not brook an unworthy burden) it swells up into tempests & drowns them, to others more love cannot appear in Dolphins to men, then in that does smoothness.  
Besides these, there are Phlegeton and Pyriphlegeton, that fall in with Cocytus (burning Rivers) In which (though they be dreadful to look upon) are no utter danger: If the Ferryman waft you safely, over the waters of Repentance, otherwise these hot liquors will scaled you. But what a Traitor am I to the undiscovered kingdoms, thus to bring to light their dearest treasury; Sworn am I to the Imperial State Infernal, and what dishonour would it be to my Knighthood, to be found forsworn? Seal up your lips therefore I charge you, and drink down a full bowl of Lethoean water, which shall wash out of you the remembrance of any thing I have spoken: Be proud, thou Grandchild of Mammon, that I have spent these minutes upon thee, for never shall any breathing mortal man, with tortures wring out of me so much again. There lies your way: Farewell. In such a strange language was this ultimum vale sent forth, that Mounsieur Mony-monger stood only staring and yawning upon him, but could speak no more: yet at the last (conjuring up his best spirits) he only in a dumb show (with pitiful action, like a Player, when he's out of his part) made signs to have a Letter delivered by the Carrier of condemnation, to his son, (a young Reveller, pricked down to stand in the Mercer's books for next Christmas,) which in a dumb show likewise being received, they both turned back the Usurer, looking as hungrily, as if he had kissed the post. At the bank end, when Pluto's Pursuivant came to take water, Mercury (that runs of all the errands between the Gods) having been of a message from Ceres, to her daughter Proserpina, (the Queen of lower Africa) finding Charon idle in his boat, because (as if it had been out of Term time) no Fares was stirring, fell to cast up old reckonings, between himself, and the weatherbeaten Sculler, for certain trifling money laid out about Charon's business. So that the Knight slipping in like a Constable to parta Fray, was requested to be as Arbitrator. The first Item that stood in his Bill, was,  
For nails to mend your wherry, when two Dutch men coming drunk from the Rhenish wine-house, split three of the boards with their club fists, thinking they had called for a reckoning: iiij. pence.  
Those Butter Boxes (says Charon) owe me a penny upon the foot of that account: For I could distill out of them but only three poor drops of silver for the voyage, and all my loss at sea. What's next?  
Item, laid out for Pitch to trim your Boat about the middle of the last plague, because she might go tied and you're, and do her labour cleanly, xj. pence.  
I am over-reckoned that odd penny, quoth Charon, & I'll never yield to pay it, but vi & armis, that's to say, by law. I disbursed it (by my Caducens says the Herald:) nay, says Charon if thou wilt defile thy conscience with a pennyworth of Pitch, touch it still: on.  
Item, for glue and whip-coard to mend your broken oar, iij. pence.  
That's reasonable; yet I have carried some in my Wherry that have had more whipcord given them for nothing: on.  
Item laid out for juniper to perfume the boat, when certain French men were to go by water: i. ob.  
ay, a pox on them, who got by that? on.  
Item lent to a company of country players, being nine in number, one sharer, & the rest jornymen, that with strolling were brought to death's door, xiii. d. ob. upon their stock of apparel, to pay for their boat hire, because they would try if they could be suffered to play in the devils name, which stock afterwards came into your hands, & you dealt upon it: xiii. d. ob.  
They had his hand to a warrant (quoth Charon) but their rags served to make me Swabbers, because they never fetched it again, so that belike he proved a good Lord, & master to them, and they made new. Perge mentiri. Tickle the next Minkin.  
Item, when a Cobbler of Poetry called a play-patcher, was condemned with his cat to be ducked three times in the Cucking-stole of Pyriphlegeton (being one of the scalding rivers) till they both dropped again, because he scolded against his betters, and those whom he lived upon, laid out at that time for straw, to have carried Pusse away if she had kittened, to avoid any caterwauling in Hell. j penny.  
Mew, they were not both worth a penny: on.  
Item, for needle and thread to darne up above two and fifty holes in your fails, and to a Butcher for half a days work about it: seven. pence.  
That Butcher I preferred to be Lucifer's Tailor, because he works with a hot needle and burnt thread, and that seven pence he gave me for my good will, why should not I take bribes as well as others, I will clip that money, and melt it. Not for my Bill (says the Herald of the gods) for it went out of my purse, the Tailor may pay it back again, it is but stealing so much the more, or cutting out 5. quarters to a garment, nay, Mercury, you shall filch for us both, for all the gods know you are a notable Pickpocket, as the knight of the Post here can take his oath, but what is your Summa totalis, (quoth Charon,) Summa totalis, answers the other comes to three shillings and a penny. The Sculler told him, he was now out of Cash, it was a hard time, he doubts there is some secret Bridge made over to Hell, and that they steal thither in coaches, for every justices wife, and the wife of every Citizen must be jolted now.  
But howsoever the market goes, bear with me, (quoth Charon) till there come another plague, or till you hear of such another battle as was at Newport, or till the Dunkirks catch a Hoy of Hollenders, and tumble them overboard, or till there be more civil wars in France, or if Paris garden would but fall down again, I should not only wipe off this old score, but hope to make me a new boat. Mercury seeing no remedy (though he knew well enough he was not without money) took his wings, & away went he to Olympus. The Posts journey lay nothing near that path, but enquiring whether one Peerce Penniless came not over in his Ferry: and understanding, because he could not pay his Fare, he was fain to go a great way about to Elysium, thither in an Irish gallop is our swearing knight gone.  
Scarce was he out of ken, but on the other side of the River stood a Company crying out lustily, A Boat, hay, a Boat, hay, and who should they be but a gallant troup of English spirits (all mangled) looking like so many old Romans, that for overcoming death in their manly resolutions, were sent away out of the field, crowned with the military honour of Arms. The foremost of them was a parsonage of so composed a presence, that Nature and Fortune had done him wrong, if they had not made him a soldier. In his countenance, there was a kind of indignation, fight with a kind of exalted joy, which by his very gesture were apparently descipherable, for he was jocund, that his soul went out of him in so glorious a triumph; but disdainfully angry, that she wrought her enlargement through no more dangers: yet were there bleeding witnesses enough on his breast, which testified, he did not yield till he was conquered, and was not conquered, till there was left nothing of a man in him to be overcome. For besides those Mortui & Muti testes, which spoke most for him, when he himself was past speaking, (though their mouths were stopped with scars) he made shift to lay down an overplus of life, (when the debt was discharged at one mortal payment before) only to show in what abject account he held deaths tyranny. Charon glowting upon him, demanded who he was, but he scorning to be his own Chronicle, and not suffering any of the rest to execute the office, they all leapt into the Ferry. Amongst whom, one that sat out of his hearing, but within the reach of the Waterman (to shorten the way) discoursed all, thus:  
England (quoth he) gave him breath, Kent education, he was never over-maistered, but by his own affections: against whom, whensoever he got the victory, there was a whole man in him: he was of the sword, and knew better how to end quarrels, then to begin them; yet was more apt to begin, than others (better bearded) were to answer, with which (some that were ever bound to the peace) upbraided him as a blemish. His Country barring him (for want of action) of that which he was borne to inherit, (fame) he went in quest of it into the Low Countries, where (by his dear earnings) he bequeathed that to those of his name, with nothing, but his name seemed to deprive him of in England. Ost-end being besieged, he lost one of his eyes, whilst he looked over the walls, which first storm did rather drive him on to more dangerous adventures, though to the hazard even of a shipwreck, (than like a fearful Merchant) to run his fortunes and reputation on ground, for the boisterous threatenings of every idle billow. So that his resolution set upon this rest, to leave all the remainder of his body to that Country, which had taken from him one of the best jewels of his life, since it had a piece of him, he would not so dishonour the place, as to carry away the rest broken. Into the field therefore comes he, the fates putting both his eyes into one, (of purpose) because he should look upon none but his enemies: where, a battle being to be fought, the desert advanced him to advance the Colours; by which dignity, he became one of the fairest marks, which was then to be shot at: and where a great part of that days glory was to be won; for the Regent that followed his Ensign, (by being hardly set to) giving ground, and the enemy's ambition, thirsting after his Colours, threw at all, in hope to win them. But the destinies (who fought on their side) mistook themselves, and in stead of striking the Colours out of his hand, smote him: in so much, that he was twice shot, and twice run through the body, yet would not surrender his hold for all those breaches, but stripping the prize for which they strove, off from the staff that held it up, and wrapping his dying body in it, drew out his weapon, with which before his Colours could be called his winding sheet, he threw himself into the thickest of danger, where after he had slain a horseman, and two others most valiantly, he came off (half dead, half alive) bravely, delivering up his spirit in the arms of none but his friends and fellow soldiers.  
So that (as if Fortune had been jealous of her own wavering) death (at her entreaty) took him away, in the noontide of a happiness, lest any black evenings overcasting, should spoil it with alteration. He was married to the honour of a field in the morning, and died in the Arms of it the same day, before it was spoiled of the maidenhead: so that it went away chaste and unbleamishable. To conclude, (father Sculler) because I see we are upon landing, here is as much as I can speak in his praise: he died ancient in the very midst of his youth. Charon humde and cried well; and having rid his boat of them, directed them to those happy places which were allotted out to none but Martialists.  
In this Interim Sir Digoneis worship (our wandering knight,) is walking with the moneyless Orator in one of the Elysian gardens, to whom he relates (aeerbatim) his master's answer and resolution, which he receives (considering he was now where he would be) with as few words as he was wont to carry pence in his purse. The Post hath as little to say to him, & there for casting a slight eye (because he durst do no other, for that place is not for him) upon all the Elysian Courtiers, (like a disdainful fantastic Frenchman, when he comes into a strange Country as though he travailed rather to be seen than to observe,) up he gets upon one of the devils Hackneys, and away he rides about his other worldly business, about which, whilst he is sweeting, let me carry you up into those Insulae fortunatae, which are embraced about with waters sweet, redolent, and Cristoline, the Tears of the Vine are not so precious, the Nectar of the Gods nothing so sweet and delicious. If you walk into the Groaves, you shall see all sorts of Birds melodiously singing, shepherds Swains deftly piping, and Virgins the trees ever flourishing, the fruits ever growing, the flowers ever springing: for the very benches whereon they sit, are buds of violets, the buds whereon they lie, banks of musk roses, their pillows are hearts-ease, their sheets, the silken leaves of willow: upon which, lest my intranced soul lie too long, and forget herself, let me here (like one started out of a golden dream) be so delighted with these treasures, which I found in my sleep, that for a while I stand amazed, and speak nothing. jam desine Tibia Versas.  
FINIS.