WESTWARD HOE. As it hath been divers times Acted by the Children of Paul's.  
Written by Tho. Decker, and john Webster.  
Printed at London, and to be sold by john Hodgets dwelling in Paul's Churchyard. 1607.   

WESTWARD HOE  
scene LONDON,  
Actus Primus,  

Scaena Prima.  Enter Mistress Birdlime and Tailor. bird-lime. 
Stay Taylour, This is the House, pray thee look the gown be not ruffled: as for the jewels and Precious Stones, I know where to find them ready presently. She that must wear this gown if she will receive it, is Master Justiniano's wife (the Italian Merchant) my good old Lord and Master, that hath been a tilter this twenty year, hath sent it. Mum tailor, you are a kind of Bawd. Taylor, if this Gentlewoman's Husband should chance to be in the way now, you shall tell him that I keep a Hothouse in Gunpowder Ally (near crouched Friars) and that I have brought home his wives foul Linen, and to colour my knavery the better, I have here three or four kinds of complexion, which I will make show of to sell unto her: the young Gentlewoman hath a good City wit, I can tell you, she hath read in the Italian courtier, that it is a special ornament to gentlewomen to have skill in painting.  tailor. 
Is my Lord acquainted with her?  Bird. 
O, I.  Taylor. 
Faith Mistress Birdlime I do not commend my lords choice so well: now methinks he were better to set up a Dairy, and to keep half a score of lusty wholesome honest Country Wenches.  Bird. 
Honest Country Wenches, in what hundred shall a man find two of that simple virtue?  Tay. 
Or to love some Lady, there were equality and coherence.  Bir. 
Taylor, you talk like an ass, I tell thee there is equality enough between a Lady and a City dame, if their hair be but of a colour: name you any one thing that your citizens wife comes short of to your Lady. They have as pure Linen, as choice painting, love green Geese in spring, Mallard and Teal in the fall, and Woodcock in winter. Your citizens wife learns nothing but fopperies of your Lady, but your Lady or justice-a-peace Madam, carries high wit from the City, namely, to receive all and pay all: to awe their Husbands, to check their Husbands, to control their husbands; nay, they have the trick on't to be sick for a new gown, or a Carcanet, or a Diamond, or so: and I wist this is better wit, than to learn how to wear a Scotch Farthingale: nay more.  Enter Prentice. 
Here comes one of the servants: you remember tailor that I am deaf: observe that.  Taylor. 
I thou art in that like one of our young gulls, that will not understand any wrong is done him, because he dares not answer it.  Bird. 
By your leave Bachelor: is the gentlewoman your Mistress stirring?  Prent. 
Yes she is moving.  Bird. 
What says he?  Taylor. 
she is up.  Bird. 
Where's the Gentleman your Master, pray you?  Pr. 
Where many women desire to have their husbands, abroad.  Bird. 
I am very thick of hearing.  Prent. 
Why abroad? you smell of the Bawd.  Bird. 
I pray you tell her here's an old Gentlewoman would speak with her.  Prent. 
So.  Tay. 
What, will you be deaf to the gentlewoman when she comes to?  Bird. 
O no, she's acquainted well enough with my knavery.  Enter the merchants Wife. 
She comes.  
How do you sweet Lady?  Ma. Wife. 
Lady.  Bird. 
By God's me I hope to call you Lady ear you die, what mistress do you sleep well on nights.  M. Wife. 
Sleep, I as quietly as a Client having great business with Lawyers.  Bir. 
Come, I am come to you about the old suit: my good Lord and master hath sent you a velvet gown hear: do you like the colour? three pile, a pretty fantastical trimming, I would God you would say it by my troth. I dreamed last night, you looked so prettily, so sweetly, methought so like the wisest Lady of them all, in a velvet gown.  M. Wife. 
What's the forepart?  Bird. 
A very pretty stuff, I know not the name of your forepart, but 'tis of a hair colour.  M. Wife. 
That it was my hard fortune, being so well brought up, having so great a portion to my marriage, to match so unluckily? Why my husband and his whole credit is not worth my apparel, well, I shall undergo a strange report in leaving my husband.  Bird. 
Tush, if you respect your credit, never think of that, for beauty covets tich apparel, choice diet, excellent Physic, no German Clock no Mathematical engine: whatsoever requires so much reparation as a woman's face, and what means hath your Husband to allow sweet doctor Glister-pipe, his pension. I have heard that you have threescore Smocks, that cost three pounds a Smock, will these smocks ever hold out with your husband? no, your linen and your apparel must turn over a new-leaf▪ I can tell you.  Tay. 
O admirable Bawd? O excellent Birdline?  Bird. 
I have heard he loved you before you were married entirely, what of that? I have ever found it most true in mine own experience, that they which are most violent dotards before their marriage are most voluntary cuckolds after. Many are honest, either because they have not wist, or because they have▪ not opportunity to be dishonest, and this Italian your husband's Countryman, holds it impossible any of their Ladies should be excellent witty, and not make the uttermost use of their beauty, will you be a fool then?  M. Wife 
Thou dost persuade me to Ill, very well.  Bird. 
You are nice and peevish, how long will you hold out think you? not so long as Ostend. Enter justiniano the Merchant. 'Passion of me, your husband? Remember that I am deaf, and that I come to sell you complexion: truly Mistress I will deal very reasonably with you.  Just. 
What are you? Say ye?  Bird. 
I forsooth.  Just. 
What my most happy wife?  Ma. Wife 
Why your Jealousy?  Just. 
jealousy: in faith I do not fear to lose that I have lost already: What are you?  Bird. 
Please your good worship I am a poor Gentlewoman, that cast away myself upon an unthrifty Captain, that lives now in Ireland, I am feign to pick out a poor living with selling complexion, to keep the frailty (as they say) honest.  Iusti. 
What's he? complexion to? you are a bawd.  Bird. 
I thank your good worship for it.  Just. 
Do not I know these tricks,  
That which thou makest a colour for thy sin,  
Hath been thy first undoing? painting, painting.  Bird. 
I have of all sorts forsooth? Here is the burned powder of a hog's jaw-bone, to be laid with the Oil of white Poppy, an excellent Fucus to kill Morphew, weed out Freckles, and a most excellent groundwork for painting; Here is Ginimony likewise burnt, and pulverised, to be mingled with the juice of lemons, sublimate Mercury, and two spoonfuls of the flowers of Brimstone, a most excellent receipt to cure the flushing in the face.  Iusti. 
Do you hear, if you have any business to dispatch with that deaf goodness there, pray you take leave: opportunity, that which most of you long for (though you never be with Child) opportunity? I'll find some idle business in the mean time, I will, I will in truth, you shall not need fear me, or you may speak French, most of your kinds can understand French: god buy you. Being certain thou art false: sleep, sleep my brain, for doubt was only that, which fed my pain.  Exit just. Ma. Wife. 
You see what a hell I live in, I am resolved to leave him.  Bird. 
O the most fortunate Gentlewoman, that will be so wise, and so, so provident, the Caroche shall come.  M. Wife. 
At what hour?  Bird. 
just when women & vintners are a conjuring at midnight. O the entertainment my Lord will make you, sweet Wines, lusty diet, perfumed linen, soft beds, O most fortunate Gentlewoman.  Enter justiniano. Just. 
Have you done? have you dispatch? 'tis well, and in troth what was the motion?  M. Wife. 
Motion, what motion?  Iusti. 
Motion, why like the motion in law, that stays for a day of hearing, yours for a night of hearing. Come let's not have April in your eyes I pray you, it shows a wanton month follows your weeping? Love a woman for her tears? Let a man love Oysters for their water, for women though they should weep liquor enough to serve a Dyer, or a Brewer, yet they may be as stale as Wenches, that travail every second tide between graves end, and Billingsgate.  Ma. Wife. 
This madness shows very well.  Just. 
Why look you, I am wondrous merry, can any man discern by my face, that I am a Cuckold? I have known many suspected for men of this misfortune; when they have walked thorough the streets, wear their hats o'er their eyebrows, like politic penthouses, which commonly make the shop of a Mercer, or a Linen Draper, as dark as a room in Bedlam. His cloak shrouding his face, as if he were a Neopolitan that had lost his beard in April, and if he walk through the street, or any other narrow read (as 'tis rate to meet a Cuckold) he ducks at the penthouses, like an Ancient that dares not flourish at the oath taking of the Praetor, for fear of the signposts? Wife, wife, do I any of these? Come what news from his Lordship? has not his Lordship's virtue once gone against the hair, and coveted corners.  M. Wife. 
Sir, by my soul I will be plain with you.  Just. 
Except the forehead dear wife, except the forehead.  Ma. Wife. 
The Gentleman you spoke of hath often solicited my love, and hath received from me most chaste denials.  Just. 
ay, ay, provoking resistance, 'tis as if you come to buy wares in the City, bid money for't, your Mercer, or Goldsmith says, truly I cannot take it, lets his customer pass his stall; next, nay perhaps two, or three, but if he find he is not prone to return of himself, he calls him back, and back, and takes his money: so you my dear wife, (O the policy of women, and Tradesmen: they'll bite at any thing.)  M. Wife. 
What would you have me do? all your plate and most part of your jewels are at pawn, beside I hear you have made over all your estate to men in the Town here? What would you have me do? would you have me turn common sinner, or sell my apparel to my waistcoat and become a Laundress?  Just. 
No Laundress dear wife, though your credit would go far with Gentlemen for taking up of Linen: no Laundress?  M. Wife. 
Come, come, I will speak as my misfortune prompts me, jealousy hath undone many a Citizen, it hath undone you, and me. You married me from the service of an honourable Lady, and you knew what matches I mought have had, what would you have me to do? I would I had never seen your eyes, your eyes.  Just. 
Very good, very good.  M. Wife. 
Your prodigality, your dicing, your riding abroad, your consorting yourself with Noble men, your building a summer house hath undone us, hath undone us? What would you have me do?  Iusti. 
Any thing: I have sold my House, and the wares in't? I am going for Stoad next tide, what will you do now wife?  Ma. Wife. 
Have you indeed?  Just. 
I by this light als one, I have done as some Citizens at thirty, and most heirs at three and twenty, made all away, why do you not ask me now what you shall do?  Ma. Wife. 
I have no counsel in your voyage, neither shall you have any in mine.  Just. 
To his Lordship: will you not wife?  Ma. Wif. 
even whether my misfortune leads me.  Iusti. 
Go, no longer will I make my care thy prison.  M. Wife. 
O my fate; well sir, you shall answer for this sin which you force me to; fare you well, let not the world condemn me, if I seek for mine own maintenance.  Just. 
So, so.  M. Wife. 
Do not send me any letters; do not seek any reconcilement. By this light I'll receive none, if you will send me my apparel so, if not choose, I hope we shall ne'er meet more.  Exit Ma. Wife. Iusti. 
So, farewell the acquaintance of all the mad Devils that haunt jealousy, why should a man be such an ass to play the antic for his wives appetite? Imagine that I, or any other great man have on a velvet Nightcap, and put case that this nightcap be too little for my ears or forehead, can any man tell me where my Nightcap wrings me, except I be such an ass to proclaim it; Well, I do play the fool with my misfortune very handsomely. I am glad that I am certain of my wives dishonesty; for a secret strumpet, is like mines prepared to ruin goodly buildings. Farewell my care, I have told my wife I am going for Stoad; that's not my course, for I resolve to take some shape upon me, and to live disguised here in the City; they say for one Cuckold to know that his friend is in the like headache, and to give him counsel, is as if there were two partners, the one to be arrested, the other to bail him: my estate is made over to. My friends, that do verily believe, I mean to leave England. Have amongst you City dames? You that are indeed the fittest, and most proper persons for a Comedy, nor let the world lay any imputation upon my disguise, for Court, City, and Country, are merely as masks one to the other, envied of some, laughed at of others, and so to my comical business.  Exit Justinian. Enter Master tenterhook, his Wife, Master Monopoly, a Scrivener and a cashier. Ten. 
Moll.  Moll. 
What would heart?  Tenter. 
Where's my cashier, are the sums right? Are the bonds sealed?  Servant. 
Yea sir.  Tent. 
Will you have the bags sealed?  Mono. 
O no sir, I must disburse instantly▪ we that be Courtiers have more places to send money to, than the devil hath to send his spirits: there's a great deal of light gold.  Tent. 
O sir, 'twill away in play, and you will stay till tomorrow you shall have it all in new sovereigns.  Mony. 
No, introth 'tis no matter, 'twill away in play, let me see the bond? let me see when this money is to be paid? the tenth of August. The first day that I must tender this money, is the first of dog-days.  Scriue. 
I fear 'twill be hot staying for you in London then.  Tent. 
Scrivener, take home the bond with you. Will you stay to dinner sir? Have you any Partridge Moll?  Moll. 
No introth heart, but an excellent pickled Goose, a new service: pray you stay.  Mono. 
Sooth I cannot: by this light I am so infinitely, so unboundably beholding to you?  Tent. 
Well signor, I'll leave you; My cloak there?  Moll. 
When will you come home heart?  Tent. 
Introth self I know not, a friend of yours and mine hath broke.  Moll. 
Who sir?  Tent. 
Master Justiniano the Italian.  Moll. 
Broke sir.  Tent. 
Yea sooth, I was offered forty yesterday upon the Exchange, to assure a hundred.  Mol. 
By my troth I am sorry.  Tent. 
And his wife is gone to the party.  Mol. 
Gone to the party? O wicked creature?  Tent. 
Farewell good master Monopoly, I prithee visit me often.  Exit Tenter. Mono. 
Little Moll, send away the fellow?  Mol. 
Phill. Philip.  Servant. 
Here forsooth.  Moll. 
Go into Bucklersbury and fetch me two ounces of preserved melons, look there be no Tobacco taken in the shop when he weighs it.  Ser. 
I forsooth.  Mono. 
What do you eat preserved melons for Moll?  Mol. 
Introth for the shaking of the heart, I have here sometime such a shaking, and downwards such a kind of earthquake (as it were.)  Mono. 
Do you hear, let your man carry home my money to the ordinary, and lay it in my Chamber, but let him not tell my host that it is money: I owe him but forty pound, and the Rogue is hasty, he will follow me when he thinks I have money, and pry into me as crows perch upon Carrion, and when he hath found it out, prey upon me as Heralds do upon Funerals.  Mol. 
Come, come, you owe much money in Town: when you have forfeited your bond, I shall near see you more?  Mono. 
You are a Monkey, I'll pay him for's day: I'll see you tomorrow to.  Moll. 
By my troth I love you very honestly, you were never the gentleman offered any uncivility to me, which is strange methinks in one that comes from beyond Seas, would I had given a Thousand pound I could not love thee so.  Mono. 
Do you hear, you shall feign some scurvy disease or other, and go to the Bath next spring, Enter Mistress Honisuckle, and Mistress Wafer .I'll meet you there.  honey. 
By your leave sweet mistress Tenterhook.  Mol. 
O, how dost partner?  Mono. 
Gentlewomen I stayed for a most happy wind, and now the breath from your sweet, sweet lips, should set me going: good mistress Honisuckle; good mistress Wafer, good mistress Tenterhook, I will pray for you, that neither rivalship in loves, pureness of painting, or riding out of town, not acquainting each other withit, be a cause your sweet beauties do fall out, and rail one upon another.  Wafer. 
Rail sir, we do not use to rail.  Mono. 
Why mistress, railing is your mother tongue as well as lying.  honey. 
But, do you think we can fall out?  Mono. 
In troth beauties (as one spoke seriously) that there was no inheritance in the amity of Princes, so think I of Women, too often interviews amongst women, as amongst Princes, breeds envy oft to other's fortune, there is only in the amity of women an estate for will, and every puny knows that is no certain inheritance.  Wafer. 
You are merry sir.  Mono. 
So may I leave you most fortunate gentlewoman.  Exit. Moll. 
Love shoots hear.  Waf. 
Tenterhooke, what Gentleman is that gone out, is he a man?  honey. 
O God and an excellent Trumpeter, He came lately from the university, and loves City dames only for their victuals, he hath an excellent trick to keep Lobsters and Crabs sweet in summer, and calls it a devise to prolong the days of shellfish, for which I do suspect he hath been clerk to some Nobleman's kitchen. I have heard he never loves any Wench, tell she be as stale as Frenchmen eat their wild foul, I shall anger her.  Mol. 
How stale good Mistress nimble-wit?  honey. 
Why as stale as a Country Ostes, an Exchange Sempster, or a Court Laundress.  Mol. 
He is your cousin, how your tongue runs?  honey. 
Talk and make a noise, no matter to what purpose, I have learned that with going to puritan Lectures. I was yesterday at a banquet, will you discharge my ruffs of some wafers, and how doth thy husband Wafer?  Waf. 
Faith very well.  honey. 
He is just like a Torch bearer to Maskers, he wears good clothes, and is ranked in good company, but he doth nothing: thou art feign to take all, and pay all.  Mol. 
The more happy she, would I could make such an ass of my husband to. I hear say he breeds thy child in his teeth every year.  Waf. 
In faith he doth.  honey. 
By my troth 'tis pity but the fool should have the other two pains incident to the head.  Waf. 
What are they?  honey. 
Why the headache and horn-ache. I heard say that he would have had thee nursed thy Child thyself to.  Waf. 
That he would truly.  Honr. 
Why there's the policy of husbands to keep their Wines in. I do assure you if a Woman of any markable face in the World give her Child suck, look how many wrinkles be in the Nipple of her breast, so many will be in her forehead by that time twelvemonth: but sirrah, we are come to acquaint thee with an excellent secret: we two learn to write.  Mol. 
To write?  honey. 
Yes believe it, and we have the finest School master, a kind of Precision, and yet an honest knave to: by my troth if thou be'st a good wench let him teach thee, thou mayst send him of any arrant, and trust him with any secret; nay, to see how demurely he will bear himself before our husbands, and how jocund when their backs are turned.  Mol. 
For God's love let me see him.  Waf. 
Tomorrow we'll send him to thee: till then sweet Tenterhook we leave thee, wishing thou mayst have the fortune to change thy name often.  Mol. 
How? change my name?  Waf. 
ay, for thieves and widows love to shift many names, and make sweet use of it to.  Mol. 
O you are a wag indeed. Good Wafer remember my school master. Farewell good Honysuckle.  honey. 
Farewell Tenterhook.  Exeunt.   

Actus Secundus  

Scaena Prima.  Enter Boniface a prentice brushing his masters cloak and Cap. singing Enter Master Honisuckle in his nightcap trussing himself. honey. 
Boniface, make an end of my cloak and Cap.  Bon. 
I have dispatch 'em Sir: both of them lie flat at your mercy.  honey. 
Fore-god methinks my joints are nimbler every Morning since I came over then they were before. In France when I rise, I was so stiff, and so stark, I would ha' sworn my Legs had been wooden pegs: a Constable new chosen kept not such a peripatetical gate: But now I'm as limber as an Antiant that has flourished in the rain, and as Active as a Norfolk tumbler.  Bon. 
You may see, what change of pasture is able to do.  honey. 
It makes fat Calves in Rumny Marsh, and lean knaves in London: therefore Boniface keep your ground: Gods my pity, my forehead has more crumples, than the back part of a counsellors gown, when another rides upon his neck at the bar: Boniface take my helmet: give your mistress my nightcap. Are my Antlers swollen so big that my biggin pinches my brows. So, request her to make my headpiece a little wider.  Bon. 
How much wider sir.  honey. 
I can allow her almost an inch: go, tell her so, very near an inch.  Bon. 
If she be a right citizens wife, now her Husband has given her an inch, she'll take an ell, or a yard at least.  Exit. Enter signor justiniano the Merchant, like a writing Mechanical Pedant. honey. 
Master Parenthesis! Salve, Salve Domine.  Iusti. 
Salve tu quoque jubeo te saluere plurimum.  Hon. 
No more Plurimums if you love me, lattin whole-meats are now minced, and served in for English Gallimafries: Let us therefore cut out our uplandish neats tongues, and talk like regenerate Britain's.  Just. 
Your worship is welcome to England: I powered out Orisons for your arrival.  honey. 
Thanks good master Parenthesis: and Que novelles: what news flutters abroad? do Iack-dawes dung the top of Paul's Steeple still.  Iusti. 
The more is the pity, if any daws do come into the temple, as I fear they do.  honey. 
They say Charing-Cross is fallen down, since I went to Rochelle: but that's no such wonder, 'twas old, and stood awry (as most part of the world can tell.) And though it lack underpropping, yet (like great fellows at a wrestling) when their heels are once flying up, no man will save 'em; down they fall, and there let them lie, though they were bigger than the Guard: Charing-Cross was old, and old things must shrink as well as new Northern cloth.  Just. 
Your worship is in the right way verily: they must so, but a number of better things between Westminster bridge and temple bar both of a worshipful, and honourable erection, are fallen to decay, and have suffered putrefaction, since Charing fell, that were not of half so long standing as the poor wry-necked Monument.  honey. 
whose's within there? One of you call up your mistress! tell her here's her writing Schoolmaster. I had not thought master Parenthesis you had been such an early stirrer.  Iusti. 
Sir, your vulgar and fourpenny-penmen, that like your London Sempsters keep open shop, and sell learning by retail, may keep their beds, and lie at their pleasure: But we that edify in private, and traffic by whole sale, must be up with the lark, because like Country Attorneys, we are to shuffle up many matters in a forenoon. Certes master Honisuckle, I would sing Laus Deo, so I may but please all those that come under my fingers: for it is my duty and function, pardie, to be fervent in my vocation.  Ho. 
Your hand: I am glad our City has so good, so necessary, and so laborious a member in it: we lack painful and expert penmen amongst us. Master Parenthesis you teach many of our Merchant's sir, do you not?  Just. 
Both Wives, Maids, and Daughters: and I thank God, the very worst of them lie by very good men's sides: I pick out a poor living amongst 'em, and I am thankful for it.  Ho. 
Trust me I am not sorry: how long have you exercised this quality?  Just. 
Come Michael-tide next, this thirteen year.  Ho. 
And how does my wife profit under you sir? hope you to do any any good upon her.  Just. 
Master Honisuckle I am in great hope she shall fructify: I will do my best for my part: I can do no more than another man can.  honey. 
Pray sir ply her, for she is capable of any thing.  Just. 
So far as my poor talent can stretch, It shall not be hidden from her.  honey. 
Does she hold her pen well yet?  Iusti. 
She leans somewhat too hard upon her pen yet sir, but practise and animadversion will break her from that.  honey. 
Then she grubs her pen.  Iusti. 
It's but my pains to mend the neb again.  honey. 
And whereabouts is she now master Parenthesis? she was talking of you this morning, and commending you in her bed, and told me she was passed her letters.  Just. 
Truly sir she took her letters very suddenly: and is now in her Minoms.  honey. 
I would she were in her Crotchets too master Parenthesis: haha, I must talk merrily sir.  Iusti. 
Sir so long as your mirth be void of all Scurility, 'tis not unfit for your calling: I trust ere few days be at an end to have her fall to her joining: for she has her letters ad unguem: her A. her great B. and her great C. very right D. and E. delicate: her double F. of a good length, but that it straddles a little to wide: at the G. very cunning.  honey. 
Her H. is full like mine: a goodly big H.  Iusti. 
But her: double LL is well: her O. of a reasonable Size: at her p. and q. neither merchants Daughter, Alderman's Wife, young country Gentlewoman, nor courtier's Mistress, can match her.  honey. 
And how herv.  Just. 
You sir, She fetches up you best of all: her single you she can fashion two or three ways: but her double you, is as I would wish it.  Ho. 
And faith who takes it faster; my wife, or mistress Tenterhook?  Just. 
Oh! Your wife by odds: she'll take more in one hour, than I can fasten either upon mistress tenterhook, or mistress Wafer, or Mistress flap-dragon (the brewer's wife) in three.  Enter Judith, Honysuckle his wife. honey. 
Do not thy cheeks burn sweet chuckaby, for we are talking of thee.  Iud. 
No goodness I warrant: you have few Citizens speak well of their wives behind their backs: but to their faces they'll cog worse and be more suppliant, than Clients that sue in forma paper: how does my master? troth I am a very truant: have you your Ruler about you master? for look you, I go clean awry.  Iusti. 
A small fault: most of my scholars do so: look you sir, do not you think your wife will mend: mark her dashes, & her strokes, and her breakings, and her bendings?  honey. 
She knows what I have promised her if she do mend: say by my fay Jude, this is well, if you would not fly out thus, but keep your line.  Iud. 
I shall in time when my hand is in: have you a new pen for me Master, for by my truly, my old one is stark nought, and will cast no ink: whether are you going lamb?  honey. 
To the Customhouse: to the Change, to my Warehouse, to divers places.  Iud. 
Good Coal tarry not past eleven, for you turn my stomach then from my dinner.  honey. 
I will make more haste home, than a Stipendiary Swisser does after he's paid, fare you well Master Parenthesis.  Iud. 
I am so troubled with the rheum too: Mouse what's good for't?  honey. 
How often have I told you, you must get a patch. I must hence.  Exit. Iud. 
I think when als done I must follow his counsel, and take a patch, I have had one long ere this, but for disfiguring my face: yet I had noted that a mastic patch upon some women's Temples, hath been the very rheum of beauty.  Just. 
Is he departed? Is old Nestor marched into Troy?  Iud. 
Yes you mad Greek: the Gentleman's gone.  Just. 
Why then clap up copy-books: down with pens, hang up inkhorns, and now my sweet Honisuckle, see what golden-winged Bee from Hybla, flies humming, with Crura thymo plena, which he will empty in the Hive of your bosom.  Iud. 
From whom.  Just. 
At the skirt of that sheet in black work is wrought his name, break not up the wildfowl, till anon, and then feed upon him in private: there's other irons i'th' fire: more sacks are coming to the Mill, O you sweet temptations of the sons of Adam, I commend you, extol you, magnify you: Were I a Poet by Hipocrene I swear, (which was a certain Well where all the Muses watered) and by Parnassus eke I swear, I would rhyme you to death with praises, for that you can be content to lie with old men all night for their money, and walk to your gardens with young men i'th' day time for your pleasure: Oh you delicate damnations: you do but as I would do: were I the properest, sweetest, plumpest, Cherry-cheeked, coral-lipped woman in a kingdom, I would not dance after one man's pipe.  Iud. 
And why?  Just. 
Especially after an old man's.  Iud. 
And why, pray!  Just. 
Especially after an old Citizens.  Iud. 
Still, and why.  Just. 
Marry because the Suburbs, and those without the bars, have more privilege than they within the freedom: what need one woman do ate upon one Man? Or one man be mad like Orlando for one woman.  Iud. 
Troth 'tis true, considering how much flesh is in every Shambles.  Just. 
Why should I long to eat of baker's bread only, when there's so much Sifting, and bolting, and grinding in every corner of the City; men and women are borne, and come running into the world faster than Coaches do into Cheapside upon Simon and judes day: and are eaten up by Death faster, than Mutton and porridge in a term time. Who would pin their hearts to any Sleeve: this world is like a Mint, we are no sooner cast into the fire, taken out again, hammered, stamped, and made Currant, but presently we are changed: the new Money (like a new Drab) is catched at by Dutch, Spanish, Welsh, French, Scotch, and English: but the old cracked King Harry groats are shoveled up, feel bruising, and battering, clipping, and melting, they smoke sort.  Iud. 
The worlds an Arrant naughty-pack I see, and is a very scurvy world.  Just. 
Scurvy? worse than the conscience of a Broomeman, that carries out new ware, and brings home old shoes: a naughty-pack? Why there's no Minute, no thought of time passes, but some villainy or other is a brewing: why, even now, now, at holding up of this finger, and before the turning down of this, some are murdering, some lying with their maids, some picking of pockets, some cutting purses, some cheating, some weighing out bribes. In this City some wives are Cuckolding some Husbands. In yonder Village some farmers are now-now grinding the jaw-bones of the poor: therefore sweet Scholar, sugared Mistress Honisuckle, take Summer before you, and lay hold of it? why, even now must you and I hatch an egg of iniquity.  Iud. 
Troth master I think thou wilt prove a very knave.  Just. 
It's the fault of many that fight under this band.  Iud. 
I shall love a Puritans face the worse whilst I live for that Copy of thy countenance.  Just. 
We are all weathercocks, and must follow the wind of the present: from the bias.  Iud. 
Change a bowl then.  Just. 
I will so; and now for a good cast: there's the Knight, sir Goson glow-worm.  Iud. 
he's a Knight made out of wax.  Just. 
He took up Silks upon his bond I confess: nay more, he's a knight in print: but let his knighthood be of what stamp it will, from him come I, to entreat you, and Mistress Wafer, and mistress Tenterhook, being both my scholars, and your honest pew fellows, to meet him this afternoon at the rhenish-wine-house i'th' Stillyard. Captain Whirlpool will be there, young linstock the Alderman's Son and Heir, there too, will you steal forth, & taste of a Dutch Bun, and a Keg of Sturgeon.  Iud. 
What excuse shall I coin now?  Just. 
Few excuses: You must to the pawn to buy Lawn: to Saint Martin's for Lace; to the Garden: to the Glass-house; to your Gossips: to the poulters: else take out an old ruff, and go to your Sempsters: excuses? Why, they are more ripe than meddlers at Christmas.  Iud. 
I'll come. The hour.  Just. 
Two: the way-through Paul's: every wench take a pillar, there clap on your Masks: your men will be behind you, and before your prayers be half done, be before you, & man you out at several doors. You'll be there?  Iud. 
If I breathe.  Exit. Iud. 
Farewell. So: now must I go set the other Wenches the self same Copy. A rare Schoolmaster, for all kind of hands, I. Oh: What strange curses are powered down with one blessing? Do all tread on the heel? Have all the art to hoodwink wise men thus? And (like those builders of Babel's Tower) to speak unknown tongues. Of all (save by their husbands) understood: Well, if (as ivy 'bout the Elm does twine)  
All wives love clipping, there's no fault in mine.  
But if the world lay speechless, even the dead  
Would rise, and thus cry out from yawning graves,  
Women make men, or Fools, or Beasts, or Slaves.  Exit.  

Scaena 2.  Enter Earl and Mistress Birdlime. earl. 
Her answer! talk in music: Will she come?  Bird. 
Oh my sides ache in my loins, in my bones? I ha' more need of a posset of sack, and lie in my bed and sweat, than to talk in music: no honest woman would run hurrying up & down thus and undo herself for a man of honour, without reason? I am so lame, every foot that I set to the ground went to my heart. I thought I had been at mumchance my bones rattled so with jaunting? had it not been for a friend in a corner. Takes Aquavitae .I had kicked up my heels.  Earl. 
Minister comfort to me, Will she come.  Bird. 
All the Castles of comfort that I can put you into is this, that the jealous wittol her husband, came (like a mad Ox) bellowing in whilst I was there. Oh I ha' lost my sweet breath with trotting.  Earl. 
Death to my heart? her husband? What saith he?  Bird. 
The freeze-jerkin Rascal out with his purse, and called me plain Bawd to my face.  Earl. 
Affliction to me, then thou spak'st not to her?  Bird. 
I spoke to her, as Clients do to Lawyers without money (to no purpose) but I'll speak with him, and hamper him to, if ever he fall into my clutches: I'll make the yellow-hammer her husband know, (for all he's an Italian) that there's a difference between a cogging bawd and an honest motherly gentlewoman. Now, what cold whetstones lie over your stomacher? will you have some of my Aqua? Why my Lord.  Earl. 
Thou hast killed me with thy words.  Bird. 
I see bashful lovers and young bullocks are knocked down at a blow: Come, come▪ drink this draft of cinnamon water, and pluck up your spirits: up with 'em, up with 'em. Do you hear, the whiting mop has nibbled.  Earl. 
Ha?  Bird. 
o? I thought I should fetch you: you can Ha at that: I'll make you Hem anon. As I'm a sinner I think you'll find the sweetest, sweetest bedfellow of her. Oh! she looks so sugaredly, so simperingly, so gingerly, so amorously, so amiably. Such a red lip, such a White forehead, such a black eye, such a full cheek, and such a goodly little nose, now she's in that French gown, Scotch falls, Scotch bum, and Italian head-tire you sent her, and is such an enticing she-witch, carrying the charms of your jewels about her. Oh!  Earl. 
Did she receive them? speak: Here's is golden keys T'unlock thy lips. Did she vouchsafe to take them?  Bird. 
Did she vouchsafe to take them, there's a question: you shall find she did vouchsafe: The troth is my Lord, I got her to my house, there she put off her own clothes my Lord and put on yours my Lord, provided her a Coach, Searched the middle I'll in Pawles, and with three Elizabeth twelvepences priest three knaves my L. hired three Liveries in Long-lane, to man her: for all which so God mend me, I'm to pay this night before Sunset.  Earl, 
This shower shall fill them all rain in their laps, what golden drops thou wilt.  Bird. 
Alas my Lord, I do but receive it with one hand, to pay it away with another, I'm but your Baily.  Earl. 
Where is she?  Bird. 
In the green velvet Chamber; the poor sinful creature pants like a pigeon under the hands of a Hawk, therefore use her like a woman my Lord: use her honestly my Lord, for alas she's but a Novice, and a very green thing.  Earl. 
Farewell: I'll in unto her.  Bird. 
Fie upon't, that were not for your honour: you know gentlewomen use to come to Lords chambers, and not Lords to the Gentlewomen's; I'd not have her think you are such a rank-rider: walk you here: I'll beckon, you shall see i'll fetch her with a wet finger?  Earl. 
Do so.  Bird. 
Hyst? why sweet heart, mistress justiniano, why pretty soul tread softly, and come into this room: here be rushes, you need not fear the creaking of your cork shoes. Enter Mistress justiniano .So, well said, there's his honour. I have business my Lord, very now the marks are set up: I'll get me 12.score off, and give Aim.  Exit. Earl. 
youare welcome: Sweet you're welcome. Bless my hand  
With the soft touch of yours: Can you be Cruel  
To one so Prostrate to you? even my Heart,  
My Happiness, and State lie at your feet:  
My Hopes me flattered that the field was won,  
That you had yielded, (though you Conquer me)  
And that all Marble scales that barred your eyes  
From throwing light on mine, were quite ta'en off,  
By the Cunning Woman's hand, that Works for me,  
Why therefore do you wound me now with frowns?  
Why do you fly me? Do not exercise  
The Art of woman on me? I'm already  
Your Captive: Sweet! Are these your hate, or fears.  Mist. Just. 
I wonder lust can hang at such white hairs.  Earl. 
You give my love ill names, It is not lust:  
Lawless desires well tempered may seem Just  
A thousand mornings with the early Sun, mine eyes have from your windows watched to steal brightness from those. As oft upon the days that Consecrated to devotion are, Within the Holy Temple have I stood disguised, waiting your presence: and when your hands went up towards heaven to draw some blessing down, Mine (as if all my Nerves by yours did move,)  
Begged in dumb Signs some pity for my Love,  
And thus being feasted only with your fight,  
I went more pleased than sickmen with fresh health,  
Rich men with Honour, Beggars do with wealth.  Mist. Just. 
Part now so pleased, for now you more Enjoy me.  Earl. 
O you do wish me Physic to destroy me.  Mrs., Just. 
I have already leapt beyond the bounds of modesty, In piecing out my wings with borrowed feathers: but you sent a Sorceress so perfect in her trade, that did so lively breath forth your passionate Accents, and could draw a Lover languishing so piercingly, that her charms wrought upon me, and in pity of your sick heart which she did Counterfeit, (Oh she's a subtle Beldame!) See I clothed my limbs (thus Player-like in Rich Attires, not fitting mine estate, and am come forth, but why I know not?  Earl. 
Will you Love me?  Mist. Just. 
Yes,  
If you can clear me of a debt that's due but to one Man,  
I'll pay my heart to thee.  Earl. 
whose's that?  Mist. Just. 
My Husband.  Earl. 
Umh.  Mrs. Just. 
The sums so great  
I know a kingdom cannot answer it,  
And therefore I beseech you good my Lord,  
To take this gilding off, which is your own,  
And henceforth cease to throw out golden hooks  
To choke mine honour: though my husband's poor,  
I'll rather beg for him, then be your Whore.  Earl. 
'gainst beauty you plot treason, if you suffer tears to do violence to so fair a Cheek. That face was near made to look pale with want. Dwell here and be the Sovereign of my fortunes. Thus shall you go attired.  Mist. Just. 
Till lust be tired. I must take leave my Lord.  Earl. 
Sweet Creature stay,  
My Coffers shall be yours, my Servants yours,  
myself will be your servant, and I swear by that which I hold dear in you, your beauty (and which I'll not profane) you shall live here as free from base wrong, as you are from blackness, so you will deign, but let me enjoy your sight, Answer me will you.  Mist. Just. 
I will think upon't.  Earl. 
Unless you shall perceive, that all my thoughts, and all my actions be to you devoted, and that I very justly earn your love, Let me not taste it.  Mist. Just. 
I will think upon it.  Earl. 
But when you find my merits of full weight, will you accept their worth.  Mrs. Just. 
I'll think upon't.  
I'd speak with the old woman.  Earl. 
She shall come,  
joys that are borne unlooked for, are borne dumb.  Exit. Mist. Just. 
Poverty, thou bane of Chastity,  
Poison of beauty, Broker of Maidenheads,  
I see when Force, nor Wit can scale the hold, Wealth must. she'll near be won, that defies gold.  
But lives there such a creature: Oh 'tis rare.  
To find a woman chaste, that's poor and fair.  Enter bird-lime. Bird. 
Now lamb! has not his Honour dealt like an honest Nobleman with you. I can tell you. you shall not find him a templar, nor one of these cogging Cathern pear-coloured-beards, that by their good wills would have no pretty woman scape them.  Mistress. Just. 
Thou art a very bawd: thou art a Devil  
Cast in a reverend shape; thou stale damnation!  
Why hast thou me enticed from mine own Paradise,  
To steal fruit in a barren wilderness.  Bird. 
Bawd and devil, and stale damnation! will women's tongues (like Bakers legs) never go straight.  Mistress. Just. 
Had thy Circaean Magic me transformed  
Into that sensual shape for which thou conjur'st,  
And that I were turned common Venturer,  
I could not love this old man.  Bird. 
This old man, umh: this old man? do his hoary hairs stick in your stomach? yet methinks his silver hairs should move you, they may serve to make you Bodkins: Does his age grieve you? fool? Is not old wine wholesomest, old pippins toothsommest, old wood burn brightest, old Linen wash whitest, old soldiers Sweetheart are surest, and old Lovers are soundest. I hatried both.  Mistress. Just. 
So will not I.  Bird. 
You'd have some young perfumed beardless Gallants board you, that spits all his brains out at's tongues end, would you not?  Mistress. Just. 
No, none at all, not any.  Bird. 
None at all? what do you make there then? why are you a burden to the world's conscience, and an eyesore to well given men, I dare pawn my gown and all the beds in my house, and all the gettings in Michaelmas term next to a Tavern token, that thou shalt never be an innocent.  Mistress. Just. 
Who are so?  Bird. 
fool's? why then are you so precise: your husbands down the wind and will you like a haggler's Arrow, be down the weather, Strike whilst the iron is hot. A woman when there be roses in her cheeks, Cherries on her lips, Civet in her breath, ivory in her teeth, lilies in her hand, and liquorish in her heart, why she's like a play. If new very good company, very good company, but if stale, like old jeronimo: go by, go by. Therefore as I said before, strike. Besides: you must think that the commodity of beauty was not made to lie dead upon any young woman's hands: if your husband have given up his Cloak, let another take measure of you in his jerkin: for as the Cobbler, in the night time walks with his lantern, the Merchant, and the Lawyer with his Link, and the Courtier with his Torch: So every lip has his lettuce to himself: the Lob has his Lass, the Collier his Dowdy, the Western- man his Pug, the serving-man his Punk, the student his Nun in white Friars, the Puritan his Sister, and the Lord his Lady: which worshipful vocation may fall upon you, if you'll but strike whilst the Iron is hot.  Mist. Just. 
Witch: thus I break thy Spells: Were I kept brave, On a king's cost, I am but a king's slave.  Exit. Bird. 
I see, that as Frenchmen love to be bold, Flemings to be drunk, Welshmen to be called Britons, and Irishmen to be Costermongers, so, cockneys, (especially Shee-Cocknies) love not Aquavite when tis-good for them.  Enter Monopoly. Mo. 
Saw you my uncle?  Bird. 
I saw him even now going the way of all flesh (that's to say) towards the Kitchen: here's a letter to your worship from the party.  Mono. 
What party?  Bird. 
The Tenterbook your wanton.  Mono. 
From her? Fewh? pray thee stretch me no more upon your Tenterhook: pox on her? Are there no pothecaries i'th' Town to send her Physic-bills to, but me: she's not troubled with the green sickness still, Is she?  Bird. 
The yellow jaundice, as the Doctor tells me: troth she's as good a peat: she is fallen away so, that she's nothing but bare skin and bone: for the Turtle so mourns for you.  Mono. 
In black?  Bird. 
In black? you shall find both black and blue if you look under her eyes.  Mo. 
Well: sing over her ditty when I'm in tune,  Bird. 
Nay, but will you send her a Box of Mithridatum and Dragon water, I mean some restorative words. Good Master Monopoly you know how welcome you're to the City, and will you master Monopoly, keep out of the City; I know you cannot, would you saw how the poor gentlewoman lies.  Mo. 
Why how lies she?  Bird. 
Troth as the way lies over Gadshill, very dangerous: you would pity a woman's case if you saw her: write to her some treatise of pacification.  Mono. 
I'll write to her tomorrow.  Bird. 
Tomorrow; she'll not sleep then but tumble, and if she might have it tonight, it would better please her.  Mo. 
Perhaps I'll do't tonight, farewell.  Bi. 
If you do't tonight, it would better please her then tomorrow.  Mo. 
God's so, dost hear, I'm to sup this night at the Lion in Shoreditch with certain gallants: canst thou not draw forth some delicate face, that I ha' not seen, and bring it thither, wilt thou?  Bird. 
All the painters in London shall not fit for colour as I can; but we shall have some swaggering?  Mo. 
All as civil (by this sight) as Lawyers.  Bird. 
But I tell you, she's not so common as Lawyers, that I mean to betray to your Table: for as I'm a Sinner, she's a knight's cousin; a Yorkshire gentlewoman, and only speaks a little broad, but of very good carriage.  Mono. 
Nay that's no matter, we can speak as broad as she? but wilt bring her?  Bird. 
You shall call her Cousin, do you see: two men shall wait upon her, and I'll come in by chance: but shall not the party be there?  Mono. 
Which party?  Bird. 
The writer of that simple hand.  Mon. 
Not for as many Angels as there be letters in her Paper: Speak not of me to her, nor our meeting if you love me: wilt come?  Bird. 
Mum, I'll come.  Mono. 
Farewell.  Bird. 
Good Master Monopoly, I hope to see you one day a man of great credit.  Mo. 
If I be, I'll build Chimneys with Tobacco but I'll smoke some: and be sure Bird. I'll stick wool upon thy back.  Bird. 
Thanks sir, I know you will, for all the kindred of the Monopolies are held to be great Fleecers.  Exeunt. Enter sir Gozlin: Lynstocke, Whirlpool, and the three citizens wives masked, Judith, Mabell, and Clare. Goz. 
So draw those Curtains; and let's see the pictures under 'em.  Lyn. 
Welcome to the stillyard fair Ladies.  All 3. 
Thanks good master linstock.  Whirl. 
Hans: some wine Hans.  Enter Hans with cloth and Buns. Hans. 
Yaw, yaw, you sall hebben it mester:  
Old vine, or new vine?  Goz. 
Speak women.  Iud. 
New wine good sir Gozlin: wine in the must, good Dutchman, for must is best for us women.  Hans. 
New vine? vell: two pots of new vine.  Exit Hans. Iud 
An honest Butterbox: for if it be old, there's none of it comes into my belly.  Mab. 
Why Tenterhook pray thee let's dance friskin, & be merry.  Lin. 
Thou art so troubled with Monopolies, they so hang at thy heart strings.  Cla. 
Pox a my heart then.  Enter Hans with Wine. Iud. 
I and mine too, if any Courtier of them all set up his gallows there: wench use him as thou dost thy pantables, scorn to let him kiss thy heel, for he feeds thee with nothing but Court holy bread, good words, and cares not for thee: sir Gozlin, will you taste a Dutch whatch you call 'em.  Mab. 
Here master linstock, half mine is yours. Bun, Bun, Bun, Bun.  Enter Parenthesis. Par. 
Which room? where are they? woe ho, ho, ho, so, ho boys.  Goz. 
'sfoot whose's that? lock our room.  Par. 
Not till I am in: and then lock out the devil though he come in the shape of a puritan.  All 3. 
Schoolmaster, welcome? welcome in troth?  Par. 
Who would not be scratched with the briars and brambles to have such burrs sticking on his breeches: Save you gentlemen: O noble Knight.  Goz 
More wine Hans.  Par. 
Am not I (gentlemen) a Ferret of the right hair, that can make three coneys bolt at a clap into your pursenets? ha? little do their 3. husband's dream what copies I am setting their wives now? wert not a rare jest if they should come sneaking upon us like a horrible noise of Fiddlers.  Iud. 
Troth I'd not care: let 'em come: I'd tell 'em, we'd ha' none of their dull Music.  Mab. 
Here mistress Tenterhook.  Clar. 
Thanks good mistress Wafer.  Par. 
whose's there? Peepers: Intelligencers: eavesdroppers.  Omni. 
Uds foot, throw a pot at's head?  Par. 
Oh Lord? O Gentlemen, Knight, Ladies, that may be, Citizens wives that are, shift for yourselves, for a pair of your husband's heads are knocking together with Hans his, and inquiring for you. Omni. Keep the door locked.  Iud. 
Oh ay, do, do: and let sir Gozlin (because he has been in the low Countries) swear God's Sacrament, and drive 'em away with broken Dutch.  Pa. 
Here's a wench has simple Sparks in her: she's my pupil Gallants: Good-god? I see a man is not sure that his wife is in the Chamber, though his own fingers hung on the Padlock: Trapdoors, false Drabs, and Spring-locks, may cozen a covey of Constables. How the silly Husbands might here ha' been gulled with Flemish money: Come: drink up Rhine, Thames and Meander dry, There's Nobody.  Iud. 
Ah thou ungodly master.  Par. 
I did but make a false fire, to try your valour, because you cried let 'em come. By this glass of woman's wine, I would not ha' seen their Spirits walk here, to be dubbed deputy of a Ward, ay, they would ha' Chronicled me for a Fox in a lambs skin: But come: Is this merry Midsummer night agreed upon? when shall it be? where shall it be?  Lynst. 
Why faith tomorrow at night.  Whirle. 
we'll take a Coach and ride to Ham, or so.  Tent. 
O fie upon't: a Coach? I cannot abide to be jolted.  Mab. 
Yet most of your citizens wives love jolting?  Goz. 
What say you to Black-wall, or Lime-house?  Iud. 
Every room there smells too much of Tar.  Lynst. 
Let's to mine host Dogbolt's at Brainford then, there you are out of eyes, out of ears▪ private rooms, sweet Linen, winking attendance, and what cheer you will?  Omni. 
Content, to Bramford?  Mab. 
ay, ay, let's go by water, for sir Gozlin I have heard you say you love to go by water.  Iud. 
But wenches, with what pulleys shall we slide with some cleanly excuse, out of our husbands suspicion, being gone Westward for smelts all night.  Par. 
That's the block now we all stumble at: Wind up that string well, and all the consorts in tune.  Iud. 
Why then goodman scraper 'tis wound up, I have it. Sirrah Wafer, thy child's at nurse, if you that are the men could provide some wise ass that could keep his countenance.  Par. 
Nay if he be an Ass he will keep his countenance.  Iud. 
ay, but I mean, one that could set out his tale with audacity, and say that the child were sick, and near stagger at it: That last should serve all our feet.  Whir. 
But where will that wise Ass be found now?  Par. 
I see I'm borne still to draw Dun out ath mire for you: that wise beast will I be. I'll be that Ass that shall groan under the burden of that abominable lie. Heaven pardon me, and pray God the infant be not punished for't. Let me see: I'll break out in some filthy shape like a Thrasher, or a Thatcher, or a Sowgelder, or something: and speak dreamingly, and swear how the child pukes, and eats nothing (as perhaps it does not) and lies at the mercy of God, (as all children and oldfolks do) and then scholar Wafer, play you your part.  Mab. 
Fear not me, for a veny or two?  Par. 
Where will you meet i'th' morning?  Goz. 
At some Tavern near the waterside, that's private.  Par. 
The Greyhound, the Greyhound in Blackfriars, an excellent Rendezvous.  Lin. 
Content the Greyhound by eight?  Par. 
And than you may whip forth two first, and two next, on a sudden, and take Boat at Bridewell Dock most privately.  Omni. 
Be't so: a good place?  Par. 
I'll go make ready my rustical properties: let me see scholar hie you home, for your child shall be sick within this half hour.  Exit. Enter Birdlime. Iud. 
'tis the uprightest dealing man? God's my pity, whose yonder?  Bird. 
I'm bold to press myself under the colours of of your company, hearing that Gentlewoman was in the room: A word mistress?  Clar. 
How now, what says he?  Goz. 
Zounds what she? a Bawd, byth' Lord be't not?  Mab. 
No indeed, sir Gozlin she's a very honest woman, and a midwife.  Clar. 
At the Lion in Shoreditch? And would he not read it? nor write to me? I'll poison his Supper?  Bird. 
But no words that I bewrayed him.  Clar. 
Gentlemen I must be gone. I cannot stay in faith: pardon me: I'll meet tomorrow: come Nurse, cannot tarry by this element.  Goz. 
Mother, you: Grannam drink ere you go. Bird: I am going to a woman's labour, indeed sir, cannot stay.  Exeunt. Amb. 
I hold my life the black-beard her husband whistles for her.  Iud. 
A reckoning: Break one, break all.  Goz. 
Here Hans, draw not, I'll draw for all as I'm true knight.  Iud. 
Let him: amongst women this does stand for law, the worthiest man (though he be fool) must draw.  Exeunt.   

Actus Tertius  

Scaena Prima.  Enter master Tenterhooke and his wife. Tent. 
What book is that sweet heart?  Mist. Ten. 
Why the book of bonds that are due to you.  Tent. 
Come, what do you with it? Why do you trouble yourself to take care about my business?  Mist. Ten. 
Why sir, doth not that which concerns you, concern me. You told me Monopoly had discharged his bond, I find by the book of accounts here, that it is not canceled. Ear I would suffer such a cheating companion to laugh at me, I'd see him hanged I▪ Good sweet heart as ever you loved me, as ever my bed was pleasing to you, arrest the knave, we were never beholding to him for a pin, but for eating up our victuals. Good Mouse enter an action against him.  Ten. 
In troth love I may do the gentleman much discredit, and besides it may be other actions may fall very heavy upon him.  Mist. Tent. 
Hang him, to see the dishonesty of the knave.  Tent. 
O wise, good words: A Courtier, A gentleman.  Mist. Tent. 
Why may not a Gentleman be a knave, that were strange in faith: but as I was a saying, to see the dishonesty of him, that would never come since he received the money to visit us you know. Master Tenterhook he hath hung long upon you. Master Tenterhook as I am virtuous you shall arrest him.  Tent. 
Why, I know not when he will come to Town.  Mist. Te. 
he's in town: this night he sups at the Lion in Shoreditch, good husband enter your action, and make haste to the Lion presently, there's an honest fellow (Sergeant Ambush) will do it in a trice, he never salutes a man in Courtesy, but he catches him as if he would arrest him. Good heart let sergeant Ambush lie in wait for him.  Tent. 
Well at thy entreaty I will do it. Give me my Cloak there, buy a link and meet me at the Counter in Woodstreet; buss me Moll.  Mist. Tent. 
Why now you love me. I'll go to bed sweet heart.  Tent: 
Do not sleep till I come Moll.  Exit Tent Mist. Tent: 
No lamb, baa sheep, if a woman will be free in this intricate labyrinth of a husband, let her marry a man of a melancholy complexion, she shall not be much troubled with him. By my sooth my Husband hath a hand as dry as his brains, and a breath as strong as six common gardens. Well my husband is gone to arrest Monopoly. I have dealt with a Sergeant privately, to entreat him, pretending that he is my aunt's Son, by this means shall I see my young gallant that in this has played his part. When they owe money in the City once, they deal with their Lawyers by attorney, follow the Court though the Court do them not the grace to allow them their dyer. O the wit of a woman when she is put to the pinch.  Exit Mistress Tenterhook. Enter master Tenterhook, Sergeant Ambush, and yeoman Clutch. Ten. 
Come Sergeant Ambush, come yeoman Clutch, yond's the Tavern▪ the Gentleman will come out presently: thou art resolute.  Amb. 
Who I, I carry fire & sword that fight for me, hear, and hear. I know most of the knaves about London, and most of the Thieves to, I thank God▪ and good intelligence.  Tent. 
I wonder thou dost not turn Broker then.  Amb. 
Pew; I have been a Broker already; for I was first a Puritan, than a Bankrupt, than a Broker, than a Fencer, and then Sergeant, were not these Trades would make a man honest? peace the door opes, wheel about yeoman Clutch.  Enter Whirlpool, Linstocke, and Monopoly unbraced. Mono. 
And ere I come to sup in this Tavern again. There's no more attendance than in a jail, and there had been a Punk or two in the company than we should not have been rid of the drawers: now were I in an excellent humour to go to a vaulting house▪ I would break down all their Glass-windows, hew in pieces all their joint-stools, tear silk petticoats, ruffle their periwigs, and spoil their Painting, O the Gods what I could do: I could undergo fifteen bawds by this darkness, or if I could meet one of these Varlets that were Pannier ally on their backs (Sergeants) I would make them scud so fast from me, that they should think it a shorter way between this and Ludgate, than a condemned Cutpurse thinks it between Newgate and Tyburn.  Lynst. 
You are for no action tonight.  Whirl. 
No I'll to bed.  Mono. 
Am not I drunk now: Implentur veteris bacchi, pinquisque Tobacco.  Whirle. 
Faith we are all heated.  Mono. 
Captain Whirlpool when wilt come to Court and dine with me?  Whirl. 
One of these days Frank, but I'll get me two gauntlets for fear I lose my fingers in the dishes, their be excellent shavers I hear in the most of your under offices? I protest I have often come thither, sat down drawn, my knife, and ear I could say grace all the meat hath been gone. I have risen, and departed thence as hungry, as ever came Country Attorney from Westminster? Good night honest Frank, do not swagger with the watch Frank.  Exeunt. Tenter. 
So now they are gone you may take him.  Amb. 
Sir I arrest you?  Mono. 
Arrest me, at whose suit you varlets?  Clouch. 
At master Tenterhooks.  Mono. 
Why you varlets dare you arrest one of the Court.  Amb. 
Come will you be quiet sir?  Mo. 
Pray thee good yeoman call the gentlemen back again. There's a Gentleman hath carried a hundred pound of mine home with him to his lodging, because I dare not carry it over the fields, I'll discharge it presently.  Amb. 
That's a trick sir, you would procure a rescue.  Mono. 
Catchpole do you see, I will have the hair of your head and beard shaved off for this, and ear I catch you at Gray's Inn by this light law.  Amb. 
Come will you march.  Mono. 
Are you Sergeants Christians? Sirrah thou lookest like a good pitiful rascal, and thou art a tall man to it seems, thou hast backed many a man in thy time I warrant.  Amb. 
I have had many a man by the back sir.  Mono. 
well-said introth, I love your quality, 'las 'tis needful every man should come by his own▪ but as God mend me gentlemen I have not one cross about me, only you two. Might not you let a Gentleman pass out of your hands, and say you saw him not? Is there not such a kind of mercy in you now and then my Masters, as I live, if you come to my lodging to morrow morning, I'll give you five brace of Angels? good yeoman persuade your graduate here: I know some of you to be honest faithful Drunkards, respect a poor Gentleman in my case.  Ten 
Come, it will not serve your turn, Officers look to him, upon your peril.  Mono. 
Do you hear sir, you see I am in the hands of a couple of Ravens here, as you are a Gentleman lend me forty shillings, let me not live if I do not pay you the forfeiture of the whole bond, and never plead Conscience.  Tent. 
Not a penny, not a penny: God night sir.  Exit Tenter. Mono. 
Well, a man ought not to sweat by any thing in the hands of Sergeants but by silver, and because my pocket is no lawful justice to Minister any such oath unto me, I will patiently encounter the Counter. Which is the dearest ward in Prison Sergeant! the knight's ward?  Amb. 
No sir, the masters side.  Mono. 
Well the knight is above the master though his Table be worse furnished: I'll go thither.  Amb. 
Come sir, I must use you kindly the Gentleman's Wife that hath arrested you.  Mono. 
I what of her.  Amb. 
She says you are her aunt's son.  Mono. 
ay, am?  Amb. 
She takes on so pitifully for your Arresting, 'twas much against her will (good Gentlewoman) that this affliction lighted upon you.  Mono. 
She hath reason, if she respect her poor kindred.  Amb. 
You shall not go to prison.  Mono. 
Honest Sergeant, Conscionable Officer, did I forget myself even now, a vice that sticks to me always when I am drunk to abuse my best friends: where didst buy this buff? Let me not live but I'll give thee a good suit of durance, Wilt thou take my bond Sergeant? Where's a Scrivener, a Scrivener good Yeoman? you shall have my sword and hangers to pay him.  Amb. 
Not so Sir: but you shall be prisoner in my house: I do not think but that your cousin will visit you there i'th' morning, and take order for you.  Mono. 
Well said; was't not a most treacherous part to arrest a man in the night▪ and when he is almost drunk, when he hath not his wits about him to remember which of his friends is in the Subsidy: Come did I abuse you, I recant, you are as necessary in a city as Tumblers in Norfolk, Sumners in Lancashire, or rakehells in an Army.  Enter Parenthesis like a collier, and a Boy. Just. 
Buy any small Coal, buy any small Coal.  Boy. 
Collier, Collier?  Just. 
What sayst boy.  Boy 
Ware the Pillory.  Just. 
O boy the pillory assures many a man that he is no cuckold, for how impossible wear it a man should thrust his head through so small a loophole if his forehead were branched boy?  Boy 
Collier: how came the goose to be put upon you, ha?  Just. 
I'll tell thee, the Term lying at Winchester in Henry the Thirds days, and many French Women coming out of the Isle of Wight thither (as it hath always been seen) though the Isle of Wight could not of long time neither endure Foxes nor Lawyers. yet it could brook the more dreadful Cockatrice, there were many Punks in the Town (as you know our Term is their Term) your Farmers that would spend but three pence on his ordinary, would lavish half a Crown on his Lechery: and many men (Calves as they were) would ride in a farmer's foul boots before breakfast, the commonest sinner had more fluttering about her, than a fresh punk hath when she comes to a Town of Garrison, or to a university. Captains, Scholars, servingmen, jurors, Clarks, Townsmen, and the Blackguard used all to one Ordinary, and most of them were called to a pitiful reckoning▪ for before two returns of Michaelmas, Surgeons were full of business, the care of most secrecy grew as common as Lice in Ireland, or as scabs in France. One of my Tribe a Collier carried in his Cart 40. maimed soldiers to Salisbury, looking as pitifully as Dutchmen first made drunk, then carried to beheading. Every one that met him cried, ware the Goose Collier, and from that day to this, there's a record to be seen at Croyden, how that pitiful waftage which in deed was virtue in the Collier, that all that time would carry no Coals, laid this Imputation on all the posterity.  Boy. 
You are full of tricks collier.  Just. 
Boy where dwells master Wafer?  Boy. 
Why hear! what wouldst? I am one of his juveniles?  Just. 
Hath he not a child at nurse at More-clack?  Boy. 
Yes, dost thou dwell there?  Just. 
That I do, the Child is wondrous sick: I was wild to acquaint thy master and Mistress with it.  Boy. 
I'll up and tell them presently.  Just. 
So, if all should fail me, I could turn Collier. O the villainy of this age, how full of secrecy and silence (contrary to the opinion of the world) have I ever found most women. I have sat a whole afternoon many times by my wife, and looked upon her eyes, and felt if her pulses have beat, when I have named a suspected love, yet all this while have not drawn from her the least scruple of confession. I have lain awake a thousand nights, thinking she would have revealed somewhat in her dreams, and when she has begun to speak any thing in her sleep, I have jogged her, and cried I sweet heart. But when will your love come, or what did he say to thee over the stall? Or what did he do to thee in the Garden-chamber? Or when will he send to thee any letters, or when wilt thou send to him any money, what an idle coxcomb jealousy will make a man. Enter Wafer and his wife .Well, this is my comfort that here comes a creature of the same headpiece.  Mrs. Waf. 
O my sweet Child, where's the Collier?  Just. 
Here forsooth.  Mrs. Waf. 
Run into Bucklers burry for two ounces of Dragon water, some Sperma 〈◊〉 and treacle. What is it sick of Coliar? a burning Fever?  Just. 
Faith mistress I do not know the infirmity of it: will you buy any small Coal, say you?  waf. 
Prithee go in and empty them, come be not so impatient.  Mrs. waf. 
ay, ay, ay, if you had groaned for't as I have done you would have been more natural. Take my riding hat, and my kirtle there: I'll away presently?  waf. 
You will not go tonight, I am sure.  Mrs. wafer. 
As I live but I will.  Waf. 
Faith sweet heart I have great business tonight, stay till tomorrow and I'll go with you.  Mrs. waf. 
No sir I will not hinder your business. I see how little you respect the fruits of your own body. I shall find somebody to bear me company.  Waf. 
Well, I will defer my business for once, and go with thee.  Mrs. waf. 
By this light but you shall not, you shall not hit me i'th' teeth that I was your hindrance, will you to Bucklers burry sir?  Waf. 
Come you are a fool leave your weeping.  Exit Waf. Mrs. Waf. 
You shall not go with me as I live.  just. 
Puple.  Mist. Waf. 
Excellent master.  Just. 
Admirable Mistress, how happy be our Englishwomen that are not troubled with jealous husbands; why your Italians in general are so Sunburnt with these dog-days, that your great Lady there thinks her husband loves her not if he be not jealous: what confirms the liberty of our women more in England, than the Italian Proverb, which says if there were a bridge over the narrow Seas, all the women in Italy would show their husbands a Million of light pair of heels, and fly over into England.  Mist. Waf. 
The time of our meeting? Come?  Just. 
seven.  Mist. Waf. 
The place.  Just. 
In Blackfriars, there take Water, keep a loof from the shore, on with your Masks, up with your sails, and Westward Hoe  Mist. Waf. 
So.  Exit Mistress Wafer. Just. 
O the quick apprehension of women, they'll grope out a man's meaning presently, well, it rests now that I discover myself in my true shape to these Gentlewomen's husbands: for though I have played the fool a little to beguile the memory of mine own misfortune, I would not play the knave, though I be taken for a Bankrupt, but indeed as in other things, so in that, the world is much deceived in me, for I have yet three thousand pounds in the hands of a sufficient friend, and all my debts discharged. I have received here a letter from my wife▪ directed to stood, wherein she most repentantly entreateth my return, with protestation to give me assured trial of her honesty. I cannot tell what to think of it, but I will put it to the test, there is a great strife between beauty, & Chastity, and that which pleaseth many is never free from temptation: as for jealousy, it makes many Cuckolds, many fools, and many bankrupts: It may have abused me and not my wife's honesty: I'll try it: but first to my secure and doting Companion.  Exit. Enter Monopoly and Mistress tenterhooks Mono. 
I beseech you Mistress Tenterhook,  
Before God I'll be sick if you will not be merry.  Mist. Tent. 
You are a sweet Beagle.  Mono. 
Come, because I kept from Town a little, let me not live if I did not hear the sickness was in Town very hot: In troth thy hair is of an excellent colour since I saw it. O those bright tresses like to threads of gold.  Mist. Tent. 
Lie, and ashes, suffer much in the city for that comparison.  Mono. 
Here's an honest Gentleman will be here by & by, was borne at Foolham: his name is Gosling glow-worm.  Mrs. Tent. 
I know him, what is he?  Mono. 
He is a Knight: what ailed your husband to be so hasty to arrest me.  Mrs. Tent. 
Shall I speak truly? shall I speak not like a woman.  Mono. 
Why not like a woman.  Mrs. Tent. 
Because women's tongues are like to clocks, if they go too fast they never go true, 'twas I that got my husband to arrest thee, I have.  Mono. 
I am beholding to you.  Mrs. Tent. 
For sooth I could not come to the speech of you, I think you may be spoken with all now.  Mono. 
I thank you, I hope you'll bail me cousin?  Mrs. Tent. 
And yet why should I speak with you, I protest I love my husband  Mono. 
Tush let not any young woman love a man in years too well.  Mrs. Tent. 
Why? Mono Because he'll die before he can require it.  Mono. 
I have acquainted Wafer and Honeysuckle with it, and they allow my wit for't extremely. Enter Ambush .O honest Sergeant  Amb. 
Welcome good mistress Tenterhook.  Mrs. Tent. 
Sergeant I must needs have my cousin go a little Way out of Town with me and to secure thee, here are two Diamonds, they are worth two hundred pound, keep them till I return him.  Amb. 
Well 'tis good security.  Mrs. Tent. 
Do not come in my husbands sight in the mean time  Enter Whirl, glow-worm, gosling, Linstocke, Mistress honeysuckle, and Mistress Wafer. Amb. 
Welcome Gallants.  Whirl. 
How now Monopoly Arrested?  Mono. 
O my little Honysuckle art come to visit a Prisoner?  Mrs. honey. 
Yes faith as Gentlemen visit Merchants, to fare well, or as poet's young quaint Revellers, to laugh at them. Sirrah if I were some foolish justice, if I would not beg thy wit never trust me.  Mrs. Tent. 
Why I pray you?  Mrs. honey. 
Because it hath been concealed all this while, but come shall we to boat, we are furnished for attendants as Ladies are, We have our fools, and our Ushers.  Sir. Goz. 
I thank you madam, I shall meet your wit in the close one day.  Mist. Waf. 
Sirrah, thou knowest my husband keeps a Kennel of hounds?  Mist. honey. 
Yes.  Whirl. 
Doth thy husband love venery?  Mist. Waf. 
Venery?  Whirl. 
ay, hunting, and venery are words of one signification.  Mrs. Waf. 
Your two husband, and he have made a match to go find a Hare about Busty Causy.  Mist. Tent. 
they'll keep an excellent house till we come home again.  Mist. Ho. 
O excellent, a Spanish dinner, a Pilchard, and a Dutch supper, butter and Onions.  Lynst. 
O thou art a mad wench.  Mist. Tent. 
Sergeant carry this ell of cambric to mistress Bird. tell her but that it is a rough tide, and that she fears the water, she should have gone with us.  Sir Goz. 
O thou hast an excellent wit.  Whirl. 
To Boat hay?  Mist. honey. 
Sir Gozlin? I do take it your legs are married.  Sir Goz. 
Why mistress?  Mist. Honi. 
They look so thin upon it.  Sir Goz. 
Ever since I measured with your husband, I have shrunk in the calf.  Mist. honey. 
And yet you have a sweet tooth in your head.  Sir Goz. 
O well dealt for the calves head, you may talk what you will of legs, and rising in the small, and swelling beneath the garter. But 'tis certain when lank thighs brought long stockings out of fashion, the courtier's Leg, and his slender tilting staff grew both of a bigness. Come for Brainford.  Exeunt.   

Actus Quartus  

Scaena Prima.  Enter Mistress Birdlime and Luce. Bird. 
Good morrow mistress Luce: how did you take your rest tonight? how doth your good worship like your lodging? what will you have to breakfast?  Luce. 
A pox of the Knight that was here last night, he promised to have sent me some wild foul; he was drunk I'll bestowed else.  Bird. 
Why do not you think he will send them?  Luce. 
Hang them: 'T no more in fashion for them to keep their promises, then 'tis for men to pay their debts. He will lie faster than a Dog trots: what a filthy knocking was at door last night; some puny Inn-a-court-men, I'll hold my contribution.  Bird. 
Yes in troth were they, civil gentlemen without beards, but to say the truth, I did take exceptions at their knocking: took them aside & said to them: Gentlemen this is not well, that you should come in this habit, Cloaks and Rapiers, Boots and Spurs, I protest to you, those that be your Ancients in the house would have come to my house in their Caps and Gowns, civilly, and modestly. I promise you they might have been taken for Citizens, but that they talk more liker fools. Who knocks there? up into your Chamber. Enter master Honisuckle .Who are you, some man of credit? that you come in muffled thus.  Honi. 
whose's above?  Bird. 
Let me see your face first. O master Honisuckle, why the old party: the old party.  Honi. 
Pew I will not go up to her: nobody else?  Enter Christian. Bird. 
As I live will you give me some Sack? where's Opportunity.  Honi. 
What dost call her?  Bird. 
Her name is Christian, but mistress Luce cannot abide that name, and so she calls her Opportunity.  Honi. 
Very good, good.  Bird. 
be't a shilling, bring the rest in Aquavite.  
Come shall's go to Noddy.  Honi. 
I and thou wilt for half an hour.  Bird. 
Here are the Cards? deal, God send me Deuces and Aces with a Court Card, and I shall get by it.  Honi. 
That can make thee nothing.  Bird. 
Yes if I have a coat Card turn up.  Honi. 
I show four games?  Bird. 
By my troth I must show all and little enough to, six games: play your single game, I shall double with you anon.  
Pray you lend me some silver to count my games?  
How now is it good Sack?  Enter Christian. Chri: 
There's a gentleman at door would speak with you.  Ho: 
God's so, I will not be seen by any means.  Enter Tenterhook. Bird: 
Into that closet then? What another muffler?  Ten. 
How dost thou mistress Birdlime?  Bird. 
Master tenterhook the party is above in the dining Chamber.  Tent. 
Above.  Bird. 
All alone?  Honi. 
Is he gone up? who was't I pray thee?  Bird. 
By this sack I will not tell you I say that you were a country Gentleman, or a Citizen that hath a young wife, or an Inn of Chancery Man, should I tell you? Pardon me; this Sack tastes of Horse flesh, I warrant you the leg of a dead horse hangs in the But of Sack to keep it quick?  honey. 
I beseech thee good Mistress Birdlime tell me who it was.  Bird. 
O God sir we are sworn to secrecy as well as Surgeons. Come drink to me, and let's to our game.  Tenterhooke and Luce above. Tent. 
Who am I?  Luce. 
You, pray you unblind me, Captain Whirlpool, no master linstock: pray unblind me, you are not sir Gosling glow-worm, for he wears no Rings of his fingers! Master Freeze-leather, O you are George the drawer at the Mitre, pray you unblind me, Captain Puckfoist, Master counterpane the Lawyer, what the devil mean you, beshrew your heart you have a very dry hand, are you not mine host Dogbolt of Brainford, Mistress birdlime, master Honysuckle, Master Wafer.  Tent. 
What the last of all your Clients.  Luce. 
O how dost thou good cousin.  Tent. 
I you have many cousins.  Luce. 
Faith I can name many that I do not know, and suppose I did know them what then? I will suffer one to keep me in diet, another in apparel; another in Physic; another to pay my house rent. I am just of the Nature of alchemy; I will suffer every plodding fool to spend money upon me, marry none but some worthy friend to enjoy my more retired and useful faithfulness.  Tent. 
Your love, your love.  Luce. 
O ay, 'tis the curse that is laid upon our quality, what we glean from others we lavish upon some trothless well-faced younger Brother, that Loves us only for maintenance.  Tent. 
Hast a good term Luce?  Luce. 
A pox on the Term, and now I think on't, says a gentleman last night let the pox be in the Town seven year, Westminster never breeds Cobwebs, & yet 'tis as catching as the plague, though not also general, there be a thousand bragging lacks in▪ London, that will protest they can wrest comfort from me when (I swear) not one of them know whether my palm be moist or not: In troth I love thee: You promised me seven else of cambric. Wafer knocks and enters, whose's that knocks?  Honi. 
What, more Sacks to the mill, I'll to my old retirement.  Bird. 
How doth your good worship, Passion of my heart, what shift shall I make. How hath your good wor. done, a long time?  Waf. 
Very well God Godamercy.  Bird. 
Your good worsh. I think be riding out of town.  Waf. 
Yes believe me, I love to be once a week a horseback, for methinks nothing sets a man out, better than a Horse.  Bird. 
'tis certain, nothing sets a woman out better than a man.  Waf. 
What, is missed. Luce above?  Bird. 
Yes truly.  Waf. 
Not any company with her.  Bird. 
Company? Shall I say to your good worship and not lie, she hath had no company (let me see how long it was since your Wor. was hear) you wet to a butcher's feast at Cuckolds-haven the next day after Saint Luke's day. Not this fortnight, in good truth.  Waf. 
Alas, good soul.  Bird. 
And why was it? Go to, go to, I think you know better than I▪ The wench asketh every day when will M. wafer be here: And if Knights ask for her, she cries out at stairhead, As you love my life let 'em not come up, I'll do myself violence if they enter: Have not you promised her somewhat?  waf. 
Faith, I think she loves me.  Bird. 
loves: Well, would you knew what I know, than you would say somewhat. In good faith she's very poor, all her gowns are at pawn: she owes me five pound for her diet, besides 40. sh.. I lent her to redeem two half silk Kirtles from the Brokers, And do you think she needed be in debt thus, if she thought not of Somebody.  Waf. 
Good honest Wench.  Bird. 
Nay in troth, she's now entering into bond for 5. pounds more, the Scrivener is but new gone up to take her bond.  wafer 
Come, let her not enter into bond, I'll lend her 5. pound, i'll pay the rest of her debts, Call down the Scrivener?  Bird. 
I pray you when he comes down, stand muffled, and I'll tell him you are her brother.  Waf. 
If a man have a good honest wench, that lives wholly to his use, let him not see her want.  Exit Bird. and enter above. Bird. 
O, mist. Luce, mist. Luce, you are the most unfortunate gentlewoman that ever breathed: your young wild brother came newly out of the Country, he calls me Bawd, swears I keep a Bawdy house, says his sister is turned whore, and that he will kill, & slay any man that he finds in her company.  Tent. 
What conveyance will you make with mistress Birdlime.  Luce. 
O God let him not come up, 'tis the swaggringst wild-oats.  Bird. 
I have pacified him somewhat, for I told him, that you were a Scrivener come to take a band of her, now as you go forth say she might have had so much money if she had pleased, and say, she is an honest Gentlewoman and all will be well.  Tent. 
Enough, farewell good Luce.  Btrd. 
Come change your voice, and muffle you.  Luce. 
What trick should this be, I have never a brother, I'll hold my life some franker customer is come, that she slides him off so smoothly.  Enter Tenterhooke and Birdlime. Tent. 
The Gentlewoman is an honest Gentlewoman as any is in London, and should have had thrice as much money upon her single bond for the good report I hear of her.  Waf. 
No sir her friends can furnish her with money.  Tent. 
By this light I should know that voice, Wafer, od'sfoot are you the Gentlewoman's Brother?  Waf. 
Are your turned a Scrivener Tenterhook?  Bird. 
I am spoiled.  Waf. 
Tricks of mistress birdlime by this light.  Enter Honysuckle. honey. 
Hoick Covert, hoick covert, why Gentlemen is this your hunting?  Tent. 
A Consort, what make you here Honeysuckle?  honey. 
Nay what make you two hear, O excellent mistress Bird. thou hast more tricks in thee then a Punk hath Uncles, cousins, Brothers. Sons or Fathers: an infinite Company.  Bird. 
If I did it not to make your good worships merry, never Believe me, I will drink to your worship a glass of Sack.  Enter justiniano. Just. 
God save you.  honey & Waf. 
Master justiniano welcome from Stoad.  Just. 
Why Gentlemen I never came there.  Tent. 
Never there! where have you been then?  Just. 
Mary your daily guest I thank you.  Omn. 
Ours.  Just. 
I yours.  
I was the pedant that learned your wives to write, I was the collier that brought you news your child was sick, but the truth is, for aught I know, the Child is in health, and your wives are gone to make merry at Brainford.  Waf. 
By my troth good wenches, they little dream where we are now.  Just. 
You little dream what gallants are with them.  Tent. 
Gallants with them! I de laugh at that.  Just. 
four Gallants by this light, Mai▪ Monopoly is one of them.  Tent. 
Monopoly? I'd laugh at that in faith.  Just. 
Would you laugh at that! why do ye laugh at it then, they are there by this time, I cannot stay to give you more particular intelligence: I have received a letter from my wife hear, if you will call me at Putney, I'll bear you company.  Tent. 
uds'foot what a Rogue is Sergeant Ambush, I'll undo him by this light.  Just. 
I met Sergeant Ambush, and willed him come to this house to you presently, so Gentlemen I leave you! Bawd I have nothing to say to you now; do not think too much in so dangerous a matter for in women's matters 'tis more dangerous to stand long deliberating▪ than before a battle.  Exit Iusti. Waf. 
This fellows poverty hath made him an arrant knave.  Bird. 
will your worship drink any Aquavitae?  Tent. 
Apox on your Aquavitae. Monopoly, that my wife urged me to arrest gone to Brainford. Enter Ambush .here's comes the varlet.  Amb. 
I am come sir to know your pleasure.  Tent. 
What hath Monopoly paid the money yet?  Amb. 
No sir, but he sent for money.  Tent. 
You have not carried him to the counter, he is at your house still.  Amb: 
O Lord I sir as melancholic etc.  Tent. 
You lie like an arrant varlet, by this candle I laugh at the jest  Bird. 
And yet he's ready to cry.  Tent. 
he's gone with my wife to Brainford, and there be any Law in England I'll tickle ye for this.  Amb. 
Do your worst, for I have good security & I care not, besides it was his cousin your wine's pleasure that he should go along with her.  Tent. 
Hoy day, her cousin, well sir, your security.  Amb. 
Why sir two Diamonds here.  Tent. 
O my heart: my wives two Diamonds,  
Well, you'll go along and justify this.  Enter Luce. Amb. 
That I will sir.  Luce. 
Who am I?  Tent. 
What the murrain care I who you are, hold off your Fingers, or I'll cut them with this Diamond.  Luce. 
I'll see 'em i'faith,  
So, I'll keep these Diamonds tell I have my silk gown, and six else of cambric.  Tent. 
By this light you shall not.  Luce. 
No, what do you think you have Fops in hand, sue me for them.  waf. and honey. 
As you respect your credit let's go.  Tent. 
Good Luce as you love me let me have them, it stands upon my Credit, thou shalt have any thing, take my purse.  Luce. 
I will not be crossed in my humour sir.  Tent. 
You are a damned filthy punk, what an unfortunate Rogue was I, that ever I came into this house.  Bird. 
Do not spurn anybody in my house you were best.  Tent. 
Well, well.  Bird. 
Excellent Luce, the getting of these two Diamonds may chance to save the Gentlewomen's credit; thou heardst all.  Luce. 
O ay, and by my troth pity them, what a filthy Knave was that betrayed them.  Bird. 
One that put me into pitiful fear, master Justiniano here hath laid lurking like a sheep-biter, and in my knowledge hath drawn these gentlewomen to this misfortune: but I'll down to Queen-hive, and the Watermen which were wont to carry you to Lambeth Marsh, shall carry me thither: It may be I may come before them; I think I shall pray more, what for sear of the water, and for my good success than I did this twelvemonth.   

Scaena 2  Enter the Earl and three servingmen. Earl. 
Have you perfumed this Chamber?  Omn. 
Yes my Lord.  Ear. 
The banquet?  Omn. 
It stands ready.  Ear. 
Go, let music  
Charm with her excellent voice an awful silence  
Through all this building, that her sphery soul  
May (on the wings of Air) in thousand forms  
Invisibly fly, yet be enjoyed. Away.  1 Ser. 
Does my Lord mean to Conjure that he draws this strange Characters.  2 Ser. 
He does: but we shall see neither the Spirit that rises, nor the Circle it rises in.  3 Ser. 
'twould make our hair stand up an end if we should, come fools come, meddle not with his matters, Lords may do any thing.  Exeunt Ear. 
This night shall my desires be amply Crowned,  
And all those powers, that taste of man in us,  
Shall now aspire that point of happiness,  
Beyond which, sensual eyes never look, (sweet pleasure!)  
Delicious pleasure? Earth's Supremest good,  
The spring of blood, though it dry up our blood.  
Rob me of that, (though to be drunk with pleasure,  
As rank excess even in best things is bad;  
Turns man into a beast) yet that being gone,  
A horse and this (the goodliest shape) all one.  
We feed: wear rich attires: and strive to cleave  
The stars with Marble Towers, fight battles: Spend  
Our blood to buy us names: and in Iron hold  
Will we eat roots, to imprison fugitive gold:  
But to do thus, what Spell can us excite,  
This the strong Magic of our appetite:  
To feast which richly, life itself undoes,  
who'd not die thus? to see, and then to choose  
Why even those that starve in Voluntary wants,  
And to advance the mind, keep the flesh poor,  
The world Enjoying them, they not the world,  
Would they do this, but that they are proud to suck  
A sweetness from such sourness; let 'em so,  
The torrent of my appetite shall flow  
With happier stream. A woman! Oh, the Spirit  
And extract of Creation! This, this night,  
The Sun shall envy. What cold checks our blood?  
Her body is the Chariot of my soul,  
Her eyes my Body's light, which if I want,  
Life wants, or if possess, I undo her;  
Turn her into a devil, whom I adore,  
By scorching her with the hot steam of lust,  
'tis but a minute's pleasure: and the sin  
Scarce acted is repented. Shun it then:  
O he that can Abstain, is more than man!  
Tush. Resolvest thou to do ill: be not precise  
Who writes of Virtue best, are slaves to vice,  Music 
The music sounds all arum to my blood,  
What's bad I follow, yet I see what's good.  While the song is heard. The Earl draws a Curtain and sets forth a Banquet: he then Exit, and Enters presently with Parenthesis attired like his wife masked: leads him to the table, places him in a chair, and in dumb signs, Courts him, till the song be done. Ear. 
Fair! be not doubly masked: with that and night,  
Beauty (like gold) being used becomes more bright.  Par. 
will it please your Lordship to sit, I shall receive small pleasure if I see your Lordship stand.  Ear: 
Witch, hag, what art thou proud damnation?  Par: 
A merchants wife.  Ear: 
Fury who raised thee up, what com'st thou for!  Par: 
For a banquet.  Ear: 
I am abused, deluded: Speak what art thou?  
Uds death speak, or i'll kill thee: in that habit  
I looked to find an Angel, but thy face,  
Shows thouart a Devil.  Par: 
My face is as God made it my Lord: I am no devil unless women be devils, but men find 'em not so, for they daily hunt for them.  Ear: 
What art thou that dost cozen me thus?  Par: 
A merchants wife I say: Justiniano's wife. She, whom that long birding piece of yours, I mean that Wicked mother birdlime caught for your honour. Why my Lord, has your Lordship forgot how ye courted me last morning.  Ear. 
The devil I did.  Par. 
Kissed me last morning.  Ear. 
Succubus▪ not thee.  Par. 
Gave me this jewel last morning.  Ear. 
Not to thee Harpy.  Par. 
To me upon mine honesty, swore you would build me a lodging by the Thames side with a watergate to it: or else take me a lodging in Coleharbour.  Ear. 
I swore so.  Par. 
Or keep me in a Labyrinth as Harry kept Rosamond where the Minotaur my husband should not enter.  Ear. 
I swore so, but gipsy not to thee?  Par. 
To me upon my honour, hard was the siege, which you laid to the Crystal walls of my chastity, but I held out you know: but because I cannot be too stony hearted, I yielded my Lord, by this token my Lord (which token lies at my heart like lead) but by this token my Lord, that this night you should commit that sin which we all know with me.  Ear. 
Thee?  Par. 
Do I look ugly, that you put thee upon me: did I give you my hand to horn my head, that's to say my husband, and is it come to thee: is my face a filthier face, now it is yours, then when it was his: or have I two faces under one hood. I confess I have laid mine eyes in brine, and that may change the copy. But my Lord I know what I am.  Ear. 
A Sorceress, thou shalt witch mine ears no more,  
If thou canst pray, do't quickly for thou diest.  Par. 
I can pray but I will not die, thou liest:  
My Lord there drops your Lady; And now know,  
Thou unseasonable Lecher, I am her husband  
Whom thou wouldst make whore, read: she speaks there thus,  
Unless I came to her, her hand should free  
Her Chastity from blemish, proud I was  
Of her brave mind, I came, and seeing what slavery  
Poverty, and the frailty of her Sex  
Had, and was like to make her Subject to,  
I begged that she would die, my suit was granted,  
I poisoned her, thy lust there strikes her dead,  
horns feared, plague worse, than sticking on the head.  Ear. 
Oh God thou hast undone thyself and me,  
None live to match this piece, thou art too bloody,  
Yet for her sake, whom I'll embalm with tears,  
This Act with her I bury, and to quit  
Thy loss of such a jewel, thou shalt share  
My living with me, Come embrace.  Par. 
My Lord.  Earl. 
villain, damned merciless slave, I'll torture thee  
To every inch of flesh: what ho: help, whose's there?  Enter serving-men. 
Come hither: here's a murderer, bind him. How now,  
What noise is this.  Enter the 1. servingmen. 1 Ser. 
My Lord there are three citizens face me down, that here's one master Parenthesis a schoolmaster with your Lordship and desire he may be forthcoming to 'em.  Par. 
That borrowed name is mine. Shift for yourselves:  
Away, shift for yourselves; fly, I am taken.  Ear. 
Why should they fly thou screech-owl.  Par. 
I will tell thee,  
Those three are partners with me in the murder,  
We four commixed the poison, shift for yourselves.  Ear. 
Stops mouth, and drag him back: entreat 'em enter.  Enter the three Citizens. 
O what a conflict feel I in my blood,  
I would I were less great to be more good:  
You're welcome, wherefore came you! guard the doors;  
When I behold that object, all my senses  
Revolt from reason, he that offers flight,  
Drops down a corpse.  Al. 3. 
a corpse?  1. Ser. 
I a corpse, do you scorn to be worms meat more than she?  Par. 
See Gentlemen, the Italian that does scorn,  
Beneath the Moon, no baseness like the horn,  
Has poured through all the veins of yond chaste bosom,  
Strong poison to preserve it from that plague,  
This fleshy Lord: he doted on my wife,  
He would have wrought on her and played on me.  
But to pare off these brims, I cut off her,  
And gulled him with this lie, that you had hands  
Dipped in her blood with mine, but this I did,  
That his stained age and name might not be hid.  
My Act (though vild) the world shall crown as just,  
I shall die eleere, when he lives soiled with lust:  
But come: rise Moll. Awake sweet Moll, thoust played  
The woman rarely, counterfeited well.  1. Ser. 
Sure sh'as nine lives.  Par. 
See, Lucrece is not slain,  
Her eyes which lust called Suns, have their first beams,  
And all these frightments are but idle dreams:  
Yet (afore jove) she had her knife prepared  
To let his blood forth ere it should run black?  
Do not these open cuts now, cool your back?  
Methinks they should: when Vice sees with broad eyes  
Her ugly form, she does herself despise.  Ear. 
Mirror of dames, I look upon thee now,  
As men long blind, (having recovered sight)  
Amazed: scarce able are to endure the light:  
Mine own shame strikes me dumb: hence forth the book  
I'll read shall be thy mind, and not thy look.  honey. 
I would either we were at Brainford to see our wives, or our wives here to see this Pageant.  Tent. 
So would I, I stand upon thorns.  Ear. 
The jewels which I gave you: wear: your fortunes,  
I'll raise on golden Pillars: fare you well,  
Lust in old age like burnt straw, does even choke  
The kindlers, and consumes, in stinking Smoke.  Exit. Par. 
You may follow your Lord by the smoke, Airs.  1. Ser. 
If fortune had favoured him, we might have followed you by the horns.  Par. 
Fortune favours fools, your Lords a wise Lord: So: how now? ha? This is that makes me fat now, be't not Ratsbane to you Gentlemen, as pap was to Nestor, but I know the invisible sins of your wives hang at your eyelids, and that makes you so heavy headed.  Tent. 
If I do take 'em napping I know what I'll do.  Honi. 
I'll nap some of them.  Tent. 
That villain Monopoly, and that sir Gozlin treads 'em all.  Wafer. 
Would I might come to that treading.  Par. 
Ha ha, sound I: come Moll: the book of the siege of Ostend, writ by one that dropped in the action, will never sell so well, as a report of the siege between this grave, this wicked elder and thy self, an impression of you two, would away in a May-morning: was it ever heard that such tirings, were brought away from a Lord by any wench but thee Moll, without paying, unless the wench coney-catched him? go thy thy ways: if all the great Turks concubines were but like thee, the ten-penny-infidel should never need keep so many geldings to neigh ouerem: come shall this Western voyage hold my hearts?  All 3 
Yes, yes.  Par. 
Yes, yes: 'sfoot you speak as if you had no hearts, & look as if you were going westward indeed: to see how plain dealing women can pull down men: Moll you'll help us to catch Smelts too?  Mist. Just. 
If you be pleased.  Par. 
Never better since I wore a Smock.  Honi. 
I fear our oars have given us the bag.  Wafer. 
Good, I'd laughed at that.  Par. 
If they have, would where's might give them the Bottle: come march whilst the women double their files: Married men fee, there's comfort: the Moons up: fore Don Phoebus, I doubt we shall have a Frost this night, her horns are so sharp: do you not feel it bite.  Tent. 
I do, I'm sure.  Par. 
But we'll sit upon one another's skirts Boat, and lie close in straw, like the hoary Courtier. Set on to Brainford now: where if you meet frail wives, near swear 'gainst horns, in vain dame Nature strives.  Exeunt.   

Actus Quintus  

Scaena Prima.  Enter Monopoly, Whirlpool, Lynstock, and their wives, Judith, Mabell, and Clare, their Hats off. Mono. 
Why chamberlain? will not these Fiddlers be drawn forth? are they not in tune yet? Or are the Rogues afraid ath Statute, and dare not travel so far without a passport?  Whir. 
What chamberlain?  Lynst. 
Where's mine host? what chamberlain.  Enter Chamberlain. Cham. 
Anon sir, here sir, at hand sir.  Mono. 
Where's this noise? what a lousy Towns this? Has Brainford no music in't.  Cham. 
They are but rozining sir, and they'll scrape themselves into your company presently.  Mono. 
Plague a their cat's guts, and their scraping: dost not see women here, and can wethinkst thou be without a noise then?  Cha. 
The troth is sir, one of the poor instruments caught a sore mischance last night: his most base bridge fell down, and belike they are making a gathering for the reparations of that.  Whir. 
When they come, let's have 'em with apox.  Cham. 
Well sir, you shall sir.  Mo. 
Stay Chamberlin: where's our knight sir Gozlin? where's sir Gozlin.  Cham. 
Troth sir, my master, and sir Gozlin are guzzling: they are dabbling together fathom deep: the Knight hath drunk so much Health to the Gentleman yonder, on his knees, that he has almost lost the use of his legs.  Iud. 
O for love, let none of 'em enter our room, fie.  Mab. 
I would not have 'em cast up their accounts here, for more than they mean to be drunk this twelvemonth.  Cla. 
Good chamberlain keep them and their healths out of our company. I warrant you, their healths shall not hurt you.  Exit. Mo. 
ay, well said: they're none of our giving: let 'em keep their own quarter: Nay I told you the man would soak him if he were ten Knights: if he were a Knight of Gold they'll fetch him over.  Cla. 
Out upon him?  Whirl. 
There's a Lieutenant and a Captain amongst 'em too.  Mo: 
Nay, then look to have somebody lie on the earth for't: It's ordinary for your Lief tenant to be drunk with your Captain, and your Captain to cast with your Knight.  Cla: 
Did you never hear how sir Fabian Scarerow (even such another) took me up one night before my husband being in wine.  Mab. 
No indeed, how was it?  Cla. 
But I think I took him down with a witness,  Iud. 
How? Good Tenterhooke.  Cla. 
Nay I'll have all your ears take part of it.  Omni. 
Come, on then.  Cla: 
Hevsd to frequent me and my Husband diverse times▪ And at last comes he out one morning to my husband, and says, master Tenterhook says he, I must trouble you to lend me 200. pound about a commodity which I am to deal in, and what was that commodity but his knighthood.  Omn. 
So.  Cla. 
Why you shall Master Scarecrow says my good man: So within a little while after, Master Fabian was created Knight.  Mono. 
Created a Knight! that's no good heraldry: you must say dubbed.  Cla. 
And why not Created pray.  Omn. 
I well done, put him down at's own weapon.  Cla. 
Not Created, why all things have their being by creation.  Lynst. 
Yes by my faith be't.  Cla. 
But to return to my tale.  Whirl. 
I mary: mark now.  Cla. 
When he had climbed up this costly ladder of preferment, he disburses the money back again very honourably: comes home, and was by my husband invited to supper: There supped with us besides, another Gentleman incident to the Court, one that had bespoke me of my husband to help me into the banqueting house and see the reveling: a young Gentleman, and that wag (our schoolmaster) master Parenthesis, for I remember he said grace, methinks I see him yet, how he turned up the white a'th' eye, when he came to the last Gasp, and that he was almost past Grace.  Mab. 
Nay he can do't.  Cla. 
All supper time, my New-minted knight, made Wine the wagon to his meat, for it ran down his throat so fast, that before my Chambermaid had taken half up, he was not scarce able to stand.  Mono. 
A general fault at citizens tables.  Cla. 
And I thinking to play upon him, asked him, Sir Fabian Scarecrow quoth I, what pretty Gentlewoman will you raise up now to stal her your Lady? but he like a foul-mouthed man, swore zounds I'll stal never a punk in England. A Lady, there's two many already: O fie Sir Fabian (quoth I) will you call her that shall be your wife such an odious name! and then he sets out a throat & swore again (like a stinking breathed knight as he was) that women were like horse.  Iud. and Mub. 
O filthy knave.  Cla. 
They'd break over any hedge to change their pasture, though it were worse: Fie man fie, (says the Gentlewoman.)  mono. 
Very good.  Cla. 
And he bristling up his beard to rail at her too, I cut him over the thumbs thus: why sir Fabian Searcrow did I incense my husband to lend you so much money upon your bare word, and do you backbite my friends, and me so our faces! I thought you had had more perseverance; if you bore a Knightly and a degenerous mind you would scorn it: you had wont to be more deformable amongst women: Fie, that you'll be so humoursome: here was Nobody so egregious towards you sir Fabian! and thus in good sadness, I gave him the best words I could pick out to make him ashamed of his doings.  Whrl. 
And how took he this Correction.  Cla. 
Very heavily: for he slept presently upon't: & in the morning was the sorriest Knight, and I warrant is so to this day, that lives by bread in England.  mono. 
To fee what wine and women can do, the one makes a man not to have a word to throw at a Dog, the other makes a man to eat his own words though they were never so filthy.  Whirl. 
I see these Fiddlers cannot build up their bridge, that some Music may come over us.  Lynst. 
No faith they are drunk too, what shall's do therefore.  mono. 
Sit up at Cards all night?  mab. 
That's Serning man's fashion.  Whirl. 
Drink burnt wine and Eggs then?  Iud. 
That's an exercise for your suburb wenches.  Cla. 
No no, let's set upon our posset and so march to bed, for I begin to wax light with having my Natural sleep puld-out a mine eyes.  Omn. 
Agreed: be't so, the sack posset and to bed.  mono. 
What Chamberlain? I must take a pipe of Tobacco.  3. Woman. 
Not here, not here, not here.  mab. 
I'll rather love a man that takes a purse, then him that takes Tobacco.  Cla. 
By my little finger I'll break all your pipes, and burn the Case, and the box too, and you draw out your stinking smoke afore me.  mono. 
Prithee good mistress 〈◊〉, I'll ha' done in a trice.  mono. 
Do you long to have me swoon?  mono. 
I'll use but half a pipe in troth.  Cla. 
Do you long to see me lie at your feet!  mono. 
Smell to't: 'T perfumed.  Cla. 
Oh God? Oh God? you anger me: you stir my blood: you move me: you make me spoil a good face with frowning at you: this was ever your fashion, so to smoke my Husband when you come home, that I could not abide him in mine eye: he was a moat in it methought a month after: pray spawle in another room: fie, fie, fie.  Mo. 
Well, well, come, we'll for once feed her humour.  Iud. 
Get two rooms off at least if you love us.  Mab. 
Three, three, master linstock three.  Lin. 
'sfoot we'll dance to Norwich, and take it there, if you'll stay till we return again? here's a stir, you'll ill abide a fiery face, that cannot endure a smoky nose.  Mo. 
Come let's satisfy our appetite.  Whi. 
And that will be hard for us, but we'll do our best.  Exeunt. Cla. 
So: are they departed? What string may we three think that these three gallants harp upon, by bringing us to this sinful town of Brainford? ha?  Iud. 
I know what string they would harp upon, if they could put us into the right tune.  Mab. 
I know what one of 'em buzzed in mine ear, till like a These in a Candle, he made mine ears burn, but I swore to say nothing.  Cla. 
I know as verily they hope, and brag one to another, that this night they'll row westward in our husband's whirries, as we hope to be rowed to London to morrow morning in a pair of oars. But wenches let's be wise, and make Rooks of them that I warrant are now setting pursenets to coney-catch us.  Both. 
Content.  Cla. 
They shall know that Citizens wives have wit enough to out strip twenty such gulls; though we are merry, let's not be mad: be as wanton as new married wives, as fantastic and light headed to the eye, as feather-makers, but as pure about the heart, as if we dwelled amongst 'em in Black Friars.  Mab. 
we'll eat and drink with 'em.  Clar. 
Oh yes: eat with 'em as hungerly as soldiers: drink▪ as if we were Froes: talk as freely as Jesters, but do as little as misers. Who (like dry Nurses) have great breasts but give no milk. It were better we should laugh at their popinjays, then live in fear of their prating tongues: though we lie all night out of the City, they shall not find country wenches of us: but since we ha' brought 'em thus far into a fools Paradise, leave 'em in't: the jest shall be a stock to maintain us and our pew-fellows in laughing at christenings, cryings out, and upsittings this 12. month: how say you wenches, have I set the Saddle on the right horse.  Boath. 
O 'twill be excellent.  Mab. 
But how shall we shift 'em off?  Cla. 
Not as ill debtor do their Creditors (with good words) but as Lawyers do their Clients when their overthrown, by some new knavish trick: and thus it shall be: one of us must dissemble to be suddenly very sick.  Iud. 
I'll be she.  Clar. 
Nay, though we can all dissemble well, yet I'll be she: for men are so jealous, or rather envious of one another's happiness (Especially in this out of town gossipings) that he who shall miss his hen, if he be a right Cock indeed, will watch the other from treading.  Mab. 
That's certain, I know that by myself.  Cla. 
And like Esop's Dog, unless himself might eat hay, will lie in the manger and starve: but he'll hinder the horse from eating any: besides it will be as good as a Welsh hook for you to keep out the other at the staves end: for you may boldly stand upon this point, that unless every man's heels may be tripped up, you scorn to play at football.  Iud. 
That's certain: peace I hear them spitting after their Tobacco.  Cla. 
A chair, a chair, one of you keep as great a coil and calling, and as if you ran for a midwife: th'other hold my head: whilst I cut my lace.  Mab. 
Passion of me? master Monopoly, master Linstocke and you be men, help to daw mistress Tenterhook: O quickly, quickly, she's sick and taken with an Agony.  Enter as she cries Monopohe, Whirlpool, and Lynstocke, Omni. 
Sick? How? how now? what's the matter?  Monop. 
Sweet Clare call up thy spirits.  Clare. 
O master Monopoly, my spirits will not comet a my calling, I am terrible and Ill: Sure, sure, I'm struck with some wicked planet, for it hit my very heart: Oh I feel myself worse and worse.  Mono. 
Some burnt Sack for her good wenches: or possit drink, pox a this Rogue chamberlain, one of you call him: how her pulses beat: a draft of cinnamon water now for her, were better than two tankards out of the Thames: how now? Ha.  Cla. 
Ill, ill, ill, ill, ill.  Mono. 
I'm accursed to spend money in this Town of iniquity: there's no good thing ever comes out of it: and it stands upon such musty ground, by reason of the River, that I cannot see how a tender woman can do well in't, 'sfoot? Sick now? cast down now 'tis come to the push.  Cla. 
My mind misgives me that als not sound at London.  Whirle. 
Pox on 'em that be not sound, what need that touch you?  Cla. 
I fear you'll never carry me thither.  Omni. 
Puh, puh, say not so.  Cla. 
Pray let my clothes be utterly undone, and then lay me in my bed.  Lynst. 
Walk up and down a little.  Cla. 
O master linstock, 'tis no walking will serve my turn: have me to bed good sweet Mistress Honisuckle, I doubt that old Hag Gillian of Brainford has bewitched me.  Mono. 
Look to her good wenches.  Mab. 
I so we will, and to you too: this was excellent.  Exeunt. whirl. 
This is strange.  Lynst. 
Villainous spiteful luck: no matter, th', other two hold bias.  Whirle. 
Peace, mark how he's nipped: nothing grieves me so much as that poor Pyramus here must have a wall this night between him and his Thisbe.  Mono. 
No remedy trusty Troilus: and it grieves me as much, that you'll want your false Cressida tonight, for here's no sir Pandarus to usher you into your Chamber.  Lynst. 
I'll summon a parley to one of the Wenches, and see how all goes.  Mono. 
No whispering with the common enemy by this Iron: he sees the Devil that sees how all goes amongst the women tonight: Nay 'sfoot? If I stand piping till you dance, damn me.  Lyn. 
Why you'll let me call to 'em but at the keyhole.  Mono. 
Puh, good master linstock, I'll not stand by whilst you give Fire at your keyholes? I'll hold no Trencher till another feeds: no stirrup till another gets up: be no doorkeeper. I ha' not been so often at Court, but I know what the backside of the Hangings are made of I'll trust none under a piece of Tapestry, viz. a Coverlet.  Whirl. 
What will you say if the Wenches do this to gull us?  Mono. 
No matter, I'll not be doubly gulled, by them and by you: go, will you take the lease of the next chamber and do as I do.  Both. 
And what's that?  Mono. 
Any villainy in your company, but nothing out on't will you sit up, or lie by't't.  Whirl. 
Nay lie sure, for lying is most in fashion.  Mono. 
Troth then; I'll have you before me.  Booth. 
It shall be yours.  Mono. 
Yours i'faith: I'll play janus with two faces & look asquint both ways for one night.  Lyn. 
Well Sir, you shall be our doorkeeper.  Mono. 
Since we must swim, let's leap into one flood,  
we'll either be all nought, or else all good.  Exeunt. Enter a noise of Fiddlers, following the chamberlain. Cham. 
Come, come, come, follow me, follow me. I warrant you ha' lost more by not falling into a sound last night, than ever you got at one job since it pleased to make you a noise: I can tell you, gold is no money with them: follow me and fum, as you go; you shall put something into their ears, whilst I provide to put something into their bellies. Follow close and sum—  Exeunt. Enter Sir Gozlin and birdlime pulled along by him. Goz. 
What kin art thou to Long-Meg of Westminster? thouart like her.  Bird. 
Somewhat a like Sir at a blush, nothing a kin Sir, saving in height of mind, and that she was a goodly Woman.  Goz. 
Mary Ambree, do not you know me? had not I a sight of this sweet Phisnomy at rhenish-wine house! ha last day i'th' stillyard ha! whither art bound Galley-foist? whether art bound? whence com'st thou female yeoman— o' the guard?  Bird. 
From London Sir.  Goz. 
Dost come to keep the door Ascapart.  Bird. 
My reparations hither is to speak with the Gentlewoman here that drunk with your worship at the Dutchhouse of meeting.  Goz. 
Drunk with me, you lie, not drunk with me: but i'faith what wouldst with the Women? they are a-bed: art not a midwife? one of 'em told me thou wert a night woman.  Music within: the Fiddlers. Bird. 
I ha' brought some women a-bed, in my time Sir.  Goz. 
I and some young men too, hast not Pandora? how now! where's this noise.  Bird. 
I'll commit your worship.  Goz. 
To the Stocks? art a justice? shalt not commit me: dance first i'faith, why scrapers, appear under the wenches Comical Window, byth' Lord! Uds Daggers? cannot sin be set ashore once in a reign upon your Country quarters, but it must have fiddling? what set of Villains are you, you perpetual Ragamuffins?  Fid. 
The Town Consort Sir.  Gaz. 
Consort with a pox? cannot the shaking of the sheets be danced without your Town piping? nay then let all hell roar  Fid. 
I beseech you Sir, put up yours, and we'll put up ours:  Goz. 
Play you lousy Hungarians: see, look the maypole is set up, we'll dance about it: keep this circle Maquerelle.  Bird. 
I am no mackerel, and i'll keep no Circles.  Goz. 
Play, life of Pharaoh play, the Bawd shall teach me a Scotch jig.  Bird. 
Bawd! I defy thee and thy jigs whatsoever thou art: were I in place where, I'd make thee prove thy words.  Goz. 
I would prove 'em Mother best be trust: why do not I know you Granam? and that Sugar-loaf? ha! do I not Magara.  Bird. 
I am none of your Megs, do not nickname me so: I will not be nicked.  Goz. 
You will not: you will not: how many of my name (of the Glowworms) have paid for your furred Gowns, thou Woman's broker.  Bird. 
No Sir, I scorn to be beholding to any glow-worm that lives upon Earth for my fur: I can keep myself warm without Glowworms.  Goz. 
Canst sing woodpecker? come sing and wake 'em.  Bird. 
Would you should well know it, I am no singing Woman.  Goz. 
howl then! 'sfoot sing, or howl, or I'll break your Ostrich Eggshell there.  Bird. 
My Egg hurts not you, what do you mean to flourish so.  Goz. 
Sing Madge, Madge, sing Owlet.  Bird. 
How can I sing with such a sour face— I am haunted with a cough and cannot sing.  Goz. 
One of your Instruments mountebanks, come, here clutch: clutch.  Bird. 
Alas Sir, I'm an old woman, and know not how to clutch an instrument.  Goz. 
Look mark to and fro as I rub it: make a noise: it's no matter: any hunts up, to waken vice.  Bird. 
I shall never rub it in tune.  Goz. 
Will you scrape?  Biod. 
So you will let me go into the parties, I will saw, & make a noise.  Goz. 
Do then: shatt into the parties, and part 'em: shalt my lean Lana.  Bird. 
If I must needs play the Fool in my old days, let me have the biggest instrument, because I can hold that best: I shall cough like a broken winded horse, if I gape once to sing once.  Goz. 
No matter cough out thy Lungs.  Bird. 
No Sir, though I'm old, and worm-eaten I'm not so rotten—  Coughs. A SONG. 
Will your worship be rid of me now.  Goz. 
feign, as rich-men's heirs would be of their gouty dads: that's the hothouse, where your parties are sweating: amble: go, tell the He parties I have sent 'em a Mast to their ship.  Bird. 
Yes forsooth I'll do your errand.  Exit. Goz. 
Half musty still by thundering jove: with what wedge of villainy might I cleave out an hour or two? fiddlers, come: strike up. march before me, the Chamberlain shall put a Crown for you into his bill of Items: you shall sing bawdy songs under every window i'th' Town: up will the Clowns start, down come the Wenches, we'll set the Men a fighting the Women a scolding, the Dogs a barking, you shall go on fiddling, and I follow dancing Lantara: curry your instruments: play and away.  Exit. Enter Tenterhook, Honeysuckle, Wafer, Parenthesis, and his wife with Ambush and Chamberlain. honey. 
Sergeant Ambush, as thouart an honest fellow, scout in some back room, till the watchword be given for sallying forth.  Amb. 
Duns the Mouse.  Exit. Tent. 
— A little low-woman sayst thou,— in a velvet-cap and one of 'him in a Beaver? brother honeysuckle, and brother Wafer, hark— they are they.  Waf, 
But art sure their husbands are a-bed with 'em?  Cha. 
I think so Sir, I know not, I left 'em together in one room: and what division fell amongst 'em, the fates can discover not I.  Tent. 
Leave us good Chamberlain, we are some of their friends: leave us good Chamberlain: be merry a little: leave us honest Chamberlain— Exit .we are abused, we are bought and sold in Brainford Market; never did the sickness of one belied nurse-child, stick so cold to the hearts of three Fathers: never were three innocent Citizens so horribly, so abominably wrung under the withers.  Both. 
What shall we do? how shall we help ourselves?  honey. 
How shall we pull this thorn out off our foot before it rankle?  Tent. 
Yes, yes, yes, well enough; one of us stay here to watch do you see: to watch: have an eye, have an ear. I and my brother Wafer, and Maist. justiniano, will set the town in an insurrection, bring hither the Constable, and his Billmen, break open upon hem, take 'em in their wickedness, and put 'em to their purgation.  Both. 
Agreed.  Par. 
Ha, ha, purgation.  Tent. 
we'll have 'em before some Country justice of Coram (for we scorn to be bound to the Peace) and this justice shall draw his Sword in our defence, if we find 'em to be Malefactors we'll tickle 'em.  honey. 
Agreed: do not say, but do 't come.  Par. 
Are you mad? do you know what you do? whether will you run?  All 3, 
To set the Town an an uproar.  Par. 
An uproar! will you make the Townsmen think, that Londoners never come hither but upon Saint Thomas's night? Say you should rattle up the Constable: thrash all the Country together, hedge in the house with Flails, Pike-staffs, and Pitchforks, take your wives napping, these Western Smelts nibbling, and that like so many Vulcans; every Smith should discover his Venus dancing with Mars, in a net? would this plaster cure the headache.  Tent. 
ay, it wood.  All 3. 
Nay it should.  Par. 
Nego, Nego, no no, it shall be proved unto you, your heads would ache worse: when women are proclaimed to be light, they strive to be more light, for who dare disprove a Proclamation.  Tent. 
ay but when light Wives make heavy husbands, let these husbands play mad Hamlet; and cry revenge, come, and we le do so.  Mist. Just. 
Pray stay, be not so heady at my entreaty.  Par. 
My wife entreats you, and I entreat you to have mercy on your selves, though you have none over the women. I'll tell you a tale: this last Christmas a Citizen and his wife (as it might be one of you) were invited to the Revels one night at one of the inns a Court: the husband (having business) trusts his wife thither to take up a room for him before: she did so: but before she went; doubts a rising, what blocks her husband would stumble at, to hinder his entrance, It was consulted upon, by what token, by what trick, by what banner, or brooch he should be known to be he when he wrapped at the Gate:  All 3. 
Very good.  Par. 
The crowd he was told would be greater, their clamours greater, and able to drown the throats of a shoule of fish wives: he himself therefore devises an excellent watchword, and the sign at which he would hang out himself, should be a horn: he would wind his horn, and that should give 'em warning that he was come.  All 3. 
So.  Par. 
The torchmen and whifflers had an Item to receive him: he comes, rings out his horn with an alarum, enters with a shout, all the house rises (thinking some sowgelder priest in) his wife blushed, the company jested, the simple man like a beggar going to the stocks laughed, as not being sensible of his own disgrace, & hereupon the punies set down this decree that no man shall hereafter come to laugh at their revels (if his wife be entered before him) unless he carry his horn about him  Waf. 
I'll not trouble them.  Par. 
So if you trumpet a broad and preach at the market cross, you wives shame, 'tis your own shame.  All. 
What shall we do then!  Par. 
Take my council, I'll ask no fee sort: bar our host: banish mine hosts, beat a way the chamberlain, let the ostlers walk, enter you the chambers peaceably, lock the doors gingerly, look upon your wives woefully, but upon the evildoers, most wickedly.  Tent. 
What shall we reap by this.  Par. 
An excellent harvest, this, you shall hear the poor mousetrapped-guilty-gentlemen call for mercy; your wives you shall see kneeling at your feet, and weeping, and wringing, and blushing, and cursing Brainford and crying pardona may pardona may, pardona may, whilst you have the choice to stand either as judges to condemn 'em, beadles to torment 'em, or confessors to absolved 'em: And what a glory will it be for you 3. to kiss your wives like forgetful husbands, to exhort and forgive the young men like pitiful fathers; then to call for oars, than to cry hay for London, than to make a Supper, than to drown all in Sack and Sugar, than to go to bed, and then to rise and open shop, where you may ask any man what he lacks with your cap off, and none shall perceive whether the brims wring you.  Tent. 
we'll raise no towns.  honey. 
No, no, let's knock first.  Wa. 
I that's best I'll summon a parley.—  knocks Cla. 
whose's there? have you stockfish in hand that you beat so hard: who are you?  Tent. 
that's my wife; let Justiniano speak for all they know our Tongues.  Cla. 
What a murrain ail these colts, to keep such a kicking? Monopoly.  Par. 
Yes.  Cla. 
Is M. linstock up too, and the Captain.  Par. 
Both are in the field: will you open your door?  Cla. 
O you are proper Gamesters to bring false dice with you fro London to cheat yourselves. be't possible that 3 shallow women should gull. 3. such Gallants.  Tent. 
What means this.  Cla. 
Have we defied you upon the walls all night to open our gates to you i'th' morning. Our honest husbands they (silly men) lie praying in their beds now, that the water under us may not be rough, the tilt that covers us may not be rent, & the straw about our feet may keep our pretty legs warm. I warrant they walk upon Queen-hive (as Leander did for Hero) to watch for our landing, and should we wrong such kind hearts? would we might ever be troubled with the toothache thee.  Tent. 
This thing that makes fools of us thus, is my wife.  Knocks. Mab. 
ay, I knock your bellies full, we hug one another a-bed and lie laughing till we tickle again to remember how we sent you a Bat-fowling.  Waf. 
An Almond Parrot: that's my Mab's voice, I know by the sound.  Par. 
'sfoot you ha' spoiled half already, & you'll spoil all, if you dam not up your 〈◊〉 villainy! nothing but villainy, I'm afraid they have smelled your breaths at the key hole, & now they set you to catch Flounders, whilst in the mean time, the concupiscentious Malefactors make 'em ready & take London napping.  All 3. 
I'll not be gulled so  Ten. 
Show yourselves to be men, and break open doors.  Par. 
Break open doors, & show yourselves to be beasts: if you break open doors, your wives may lay flat burglary to your charge.  honey. 
Lay a pudding; burglary.  Par, 
Will you then turn Coridon's because you are among clowns? shall it be said you have no brains being in Brainford.  M. 
Parenthesis we will enter and set upon 'em.  Par, 
Well do so: but enter not so that all the country may cry shame of your doings: knock 'em down, burst open Erebus, and bring an old house over your heads if you do.  Waf. 
No matter, we'll bear it of with head & shoulders. 〈◊〉  Mab. 
You cannot enter indeed la, gods my pittikin our 3 husbands summon a parley; let that long old woman either creep under the bed or else stand upright behind the painted cloth.  Exit. Waf. 
Do you hear: you Mabel:  Mab. 
Let's never hide our heads now, for we are discovered.  honey. 
But all this while, my Honeysuckle appears not.  Par. 
Why then two of them have pitched their tents there & yours lies in Ambuscado with your enemy there.  honey. 
Stand upon your guard there, whilst I batter here.  knock Mono. 
Who's there?  Par. 
Hold, I'll speak in a small voice like one of the women; here's a friend: are you up? rise, rise; stir, stir.  Mono. 
Uds foot, what Weasel are you? are you going to catch Quails, that you bring your pipes with you. I'll see what troubled Ghost it is that cannot sleep.  Looks out. Tent. 
O Maist. Monopoly God save you.  Mono. 
Amen, for the last time I saw you, the Devil was at mine elbow in Buff, what! 3 merry men, & 3. merry men, & 3. merry men be we too,  Hon. 
How does my wife M. Monop.  Mono. 
Who? my overthwart neighbour: passing well: this is kindly done: Sir Gozlin is not far from you: we'll join our Armies presently, here be rare fields to walk in-Captaine rise, Captain linstock bestir your stumps, for the Philistines are upon us  Exit. Tent. 
This Monopoly is an arrant knave, a cogging knave, for all he's a Courtier, if Monopoly be suffered to ride up and down with other men's wives, he'll undo both City and Country.  Enter the three wives. Par. 
Moll, mask thyself, they shall not know thee.  All 3. 
How now sweet hearts, what make you here.  Waf. 
Not that which you make here.  Tent. 
Mary you make Bulls of your husbands.  Cla. 
Buzzards do we not? out you yellow infirmities: do all flowers show in your eyes like Columbines.  Waf. 
Wife what says the Collier? is not thy Soul blacker than his coals? how does the child? how does my flesh and blood wife?  Mab. 
Your flesh and blood is very well recovered now mouse-  Waf. 
I know 'tis: the Collier has a sackful of news to empty.  Tent. 
Clare Where be your two rings with Diamonds?  Clare, 
At hand sir, here with a wet finger.  Tent. 
I dreamed you had lost 'em— what a profane varlet is this shoulder clapper, to lie thus upon my wife & herrings.  Enter Monopoly, Whirlpool and Lynstock. All 3. 
Save you gentlemen;  Tent. honey. Waf. 
And you and our wives from you.  Mono. 
Your wives have saude themselves for one.  Tent. 
Maist. Monopoly, though I meet you in high Germany, I hope you can understand broken English, have you discharged your debt.  Mono. 
yes Sir: with a double charge, your Harpy that set his ten commandments upon my back had 2. Diamonds to save him harmless.  Tent. 
of you Sir.  Mono. 
Me Sir, do you think there be no diamond courtiers.  Enter. Ambush, Tent. 
serrgeant Ambush issue forth, Monopoly I'll cut off your convoy mayst, sergeant Ambush, I charge you as you hope to receive comfort from the smell of Mace speak not like a sergeant, but deal honestly, of whom had you the diamonds.  Amb. 
Of your wife Sir if I'm an honest man.  Cla. 
Of me you pewter-buttoned rascal.  Mono. 
Siria you that live by nothing but the carrion of poultry.  Cla. 
School Master hark hither.  Mono. 
Where are my gems and precious stones that were my bale.  Amb. 
Forth coming Sir though your money is not, your creditor has hem.  Par. 
Excellent; peace, why M. Tenterhook, if the diamonds be of the reported value, I'll pay your money receive 'em, keep 'em till Maist. Monopoly be fatter i'th' purse: for Maist. Monopoly I know you will not be long empty Mast. Monopoly.  Cla. 
Let him have 'em good tenterhook, where are they.  Tent. 
At home, I locked 'em up.—  Enter bird-lime. Bird. 
No indeed forsooth, I locked 'em up, & those are they your wife has, and those are they your husband (like a bad liver as he is) would have given to a niece of mine, (that lies in my house to take physic) to have committed fleshly treason with her.  Tent. 
I at your house— you old—  Bird. 
You pardie, and that honest bachelor, never call me old for the matter.  Iud. 
Motherly woman he's my husband and no Bachelors buttons are at his doublet  Bird. 
'las, I speak Innocently and that lean gentleman set in his staff there: But as I'm a sinner, both I and the young woman had an eye to the main chance, & though they brought more a bout 'em than captain Candish's voyage came to, they should not, nor could not (unless I had been a naughty woman) have entered the straits.  All 3. 
Have we smelled you out foxes.  Cla. 
Do you come after us with hue and cry when you are the thieves yourselves.  Iud. 
Murder I see cannot be hid, but if this old Sibyl of yours speak oracles, for my part, I'll be like an Almanac that threatens nothing but foul wether.  Tent. 
That bawd has been damned. 500 times, and is her word to be taken.  Par. 
To be damned once is enough, for any one of her coat.  Bird. 
Why Sir. what is my coat that you fit thus upon my skirts.  Par. 
Thy Coat is an ancient Coat, one of the seven deadly sins, put thy coat first to making; but do you hear, you mother of Iniquity, you that can lose and find your ears when you list go, sail with the rest of your bawdy-traffickers to the place of sixpenny Sinfulness the suburbs.  Bird. 
I scorn the Sinfulness of any suburbs in Christendom 'tis well known I have uprisers and down-liars within the City, night by night, like a profane fellow as thou art.  Par. 
Right, I know thou hast, I'll tell you Gentlefolks, there's more resort to this Fortune-teller, then of forlorn wives married to old husbands, and of green-sickness Wenches that can get no husbands to the house of a wise-Woman. She has tricks to keep a vaulting house under the laws nose.  Bird. 
Thou dost the laws nose wrong to belie me so.  Prr. 
For either a cunning woman has a Chamber in her house or a Physician, or a picture maker, or an Attorney, because all these are good Cloaks for the rain. And then if the female party that's cliented above-stairs, be young, she's a squire's daughter of low degree, that lies there for physic, or comes up to be placed with a Countess: if of middle age, she's a Widow, and has suits at the term or so.  Iud. 
O fie upon her, burn the witch out of our company.  Cla. 
Let's hem her out off Brainford, if she get not the faster to London.  Mab. 
O no, for God's sake, rather hem her out off London and let her keep in Brainford still.  Bird. 
No you cannot hem me out of London; had I known this your rings should ha' been poxed oer— I would ha' touched 'em: I will take a pair of Oars, and leave you.  Exit. Par. 
Let that ruin of intemperance be raked up in dust and ashes, and now tell me, if you had raised the Town, had not the tiles tumbled upon your heads: for you see your Wives are chaste, these Gentlemen civil, all is but a merriment, all but a May-game; she has her Diamonds, you shall have your money the child is recovered, the false Collier discovered, they came to Brainford to be merry, you were caught in Bird-lime; and therefore set the hare's-head against the Goose-giblets, put all instruments in tune, and every husband play music upon the lips of his Wife whilst I begin first.  Omt. 
Come wenches be't so,  Cla. 
Mist. justiniano be't you were ashamed all this while of showing your face, is she your wife Schoolmaster.  Par 
Look you, your Schoolmaster has been in France, and lost his hair, no more Parenthesis now, but justiniano, I will now play the Merchant with you. Look not strange at her, nor at me, the story of us both, shall be as good, as an old wives tale, to cut off our way to London. Enter Chamberlain ,How now?  Cham. 
Alas Sir, the Knight yonder Sir Gozlin has almost his throat cut by poulterers and Townsmen and rascals, & all the Noise that went with him poor fellows have their Fiddle-cases pulled over their ears.  Omn. 
Is Sir Gozlin hurt?  Cham. 
Not much hurt Sir, but he bleeds like a Pig, for his crown's cracked.  Iud. 
Then has he been twice cut i'th' head since we landed, once with a Pottle-po●and now with old iron.  Par. 
Gentlemen hasten to his rescue some, whilst others call for Oars.  Omn, 
Away then to London.  Par. 
Farewell Brainford.  
Gold that buys health, can never be ill spent,  
Nor hours laid out in harmless merriment.  Exeunt. 
Finis Act. Quint.    

SONG.  
oars, Oars, Oars, Oars:  
To London hay, to London hay:  
Hoist up sails and let's away,  
for the safest bay  
For us to land is London shores.  
Oars, Oars, Oars, Oars:  
Quickly shall we get to Land,  
If you, if you, if you,  
Lend us but half a hand.  
O lend us half a hand.  Exeunt. 
FINIS.