DOBSONS' Dry BOBS:  
Son and Heir to Skoggin.  
Full of mirth and delightful recreation.  
LONDON Printedby VALENTINE SIMMES 1607.   

❧ To the Reader.  
THere is nothing more delightful than mirthful recreation, which I doubt not but whosoever shall peruse this small Treatise, will be sufficiently satisfied: It is like unto a Garden wherein each humour may have his several walk private and untrequented (as yet) of any Passengers. It is no foreign translation, but a homebred subject, nor doth he desire any other thing than his patrimony, which is, as being the eldest son of Skoggin, to be esteemed for no Changeling, only by how much the property of his father was fit to be altered, he hath by so much, in the quantity of his time reform: he is to ancient men mirth, to the middle age profit, and to youth nurture, pregnant wit: To conclude, he is George Dobson, whose pleasant merriments are worthy to be registered among the famous Records of the jesting Worthies: yea▪ he hath proceeded farther in degree than Garagantua, Owlglass, Tiell, Skoggin, old Hobson, or Cocle: He hath put himself to the public view of all men, and desireth to bear you company to your private Studies, where when your leisure doth permit you, his presence may delight you. And so I bid you heartily farewell.   

The Table.  

HOw sir Thomas Pentley adopted George Dobson for his son. Chap. 1.  
How George Dobson was put to the School. 2▪  
How the boys of the School caused George Dobson to be whipped for their fault. 3.  
How Dobson revenged the quarrel of his friend upon the usurer. 4.  
How Dobson deceived his friend Raikebaines of a pudding, and how he shut him up in the candle cupboard. 5.  
How Dobson revenged himself upon his uncle. 6.  
How Dobson caused his uncles horse to be impownded, because he denied to let him go with him into the country. 7.  
How Dobson brewed Ale for his uncle. 8.  
How Dobson furnished himself of a suit of apparel: and how he used his Schoolfellow. 9  
How Dobson took upon him a Gentleman's estate: and how he caused the Alewife of Wittan to come before the Commissary. 10.  
How Dobson stole a Goose and roasted her. 11.  
How Dobson devised a Holy day, and endangered his fellows a whipping. 12.  
Of Dobsons' entertainment at Cambridge: and of his disputes there kept in the public Schools. 13.  
Of Dobsons' second dispute against the Kentishmen: of his abuse of them: and of his sending to Bocardo. 14  
How Dobson kept his third dispute in public Schools against one Malgrado, a fellow student of Christ's College, and of his expelling the University. 15.  
How Dobson became an Oastler and a servingman, how he beat his Mistress for the love of her maid, and how he should have hanged for riding away with his masters horse, and of his end. 16    

DOBSONS DRY BOBS.  

¶ How sir Thomas Pentley adopted George Dobson for his son. Chap. 1.  
IN the City of Durham was sometime resident, one sir Thomas Pentley, a Priest, instituted after the old order used in Queen Mary's days, who for his exquisite skill in music, was admitted to be a Canonist in the Cathedral church of Durham: and for he was also otherwise supposed learned, and a man of modest life, he was beneficed beside with the vicarage of Saint Giles in the same town: by reason whereof he waxed very rich, and a great penny father, living always unmarried, and keeping no household or retinue about him, save only one of his sisters, whose husband dying, he took home to be his housewife: after that there was a dissolution made of their Cloister, and that it was thought fit for men, rather to live at their own choice, than at others appointment, granting all that would, liberty to take wives, and they whose stomach stood against that estate of matrimony, to dispose of themselves as to them seemed good and most correspondent to their liking. This sir Thomas, in time, seeing his money to increase, and his wealth to abound, resolved with himself, since he was determined never to take wife, whereby to have children, unto whom he might leave this his abundance and riches (I say) resolved with himself, to dispose of it in some good sort during his life time, lest otherwise his friends, after his death, should go together by the ears in dividing the stake. Therefore he began, by little and little, to play the good fellow, causing his sister, who was both Cook and Cater, to provide him good and plenteous fare, inviting also his neighbours and others his acquaintances to dine and to sup with him: especially upon solemn feasts, as Christmas, and Easter, he kept open house, and gave good and bounteous entertainment unto all that would come. And so prodigally he spent, as in the end his housewife began to repine at his large hospitality, persuading herself, that if he continued this course long, it would be but a very little that would fall in dividence to his friends after his death, and therefore she thought every way as good to take part with him, as to expect that which the cat leaveth in the malt. Whereupon she sent to her other sister dwelling in the country, who was married to one jeffrey Dobson, certifying her of their brother's unthriftiness, withal, admonishing her to make a speedy repair unto the city, and with her to bring her husband, children, and family to make their abode, dwelling, and stay with sir Thomas: For otherwise, if she omitted that opportunity, it was a very probable matter, that her share of his goods would be very slender, and far short of her expectation, for our brother, saith she, is fallen into such an humour of spending, that his yearly revenues will scarcely discharged his yearly expense. Her sister at this news became as pale as ashes, and sore she feared that all would be gone before she could get her family removed to the town. And as though sir Thomas had been already dead, and the executors gone away with all the goods, she ran to the fields, where her husband was at the plough, to make known unto him what message her sister had sent her. The good man who had taken her to wife, more in regard of that benefit he hoped to reap by her after sir Thomas his death, than any other respect, made no less haste to be removing, than she desired: and so forthwith losing his oxen forth of their team, commanding his men to go home and thrash forth all his corn presently, and his wife to pack up all her household stuff and nappery against the next morning, himself went forth presently to a neighbour's house near by, and let to him the lease of his farm: and coming home that night, his wife having dispatched every thing according to his commandment, he conveyed his stuff, so much as he thought needful, to the city of Durham next morning, carrying with him his wife and children, whom he brought with him to the vicarage of S. Giles, at the very instant when sir Thomas was set to dinner, but newly come home from the Minster, where (according to his custom, he had been helping to sing divine Service. Whiles sir Thomas was eagerly carving such meats as were set upon the table, his appetite being very sharp, he suddenly heard a great rushing and noise of carts, rattling upon the stones within the court, and marveling whence such noise should come, if it were not there, and what occasion any had to be there, he could not conjecture, sith himself had no use for any at all, neither did he know of any that had business there to do, more than half misdoubting his hearing, he started forthwith from the table, and looking forth at his window, he did behold his court full of carts, loaden with tables, cupboards, beds, and such like household stuff, at which sight he was not a little amazed, fearing that the Bishop had endowed some other with the benefice of that vicarige, meaning to deprive him, and that the carts and stuff appeared to be the new parsons: yet he no less marveled why the Bishop should so do, considering that he no way ill deserved, either committed any thing whereby to incur the Bishop's displeasure. Also, if this his supposal were true, he thought it strange and uncharitable dealing, that he should in such manner be excluded, without either admonishment or notice given to provide for himself. But presently, as he stood there diversly distracted, with these doubtful thoughts, he was advertised by his houskéeper, who had inquired the matter of the Carters, that the stuff was his sister Dobsons, who with her husband and children she said, was come to make her remain and dwelling there with him, and who, as she was making this report, came in at the gate, her husband and children with her. But sir Thomas not a little estranging at the news, backened to the Carremen to stay the unloading of their carts, till he came forth to meet his sister at the doors, of whom demanding the cause of her coming after such a sort, he was informed of his house keepers embassage sent to her, wherewith he was very much offended, causing them all to come into the house and dine: with good and fair speeches he entreated her to return to her own home again, with assured promise that he would provide sufficiently for her, and the residue of his friends: and for the better security thereof, because that imprudently they had leased away their Farm, he presently gave to her husband the moiety of a tithe he held amounting to ten pounds a year, until such time as their own Farm should fall unto them again: and also he took from them their eldest son, George Dobson, whom he adopted for his own, and brought up at School in Durham, to whose course of life and merry jests, we will direct the tract ensuing, licensing his mother well contented with her brother's benevolence, to return to the country again with her husband, and other children.   

NOw is George Dobson taken from his mother's lap, and left to the care and providence of his uncle sir Thomas, who perceiving his disposition knavish, thought good in time to hoop him in before he fell to licking: and knowing, that while the twig is young and tender, it is also flexible, to keep him from other waggish turns, he judged it the best course to set him to the Schools: and in regard himself used to go twice every day unto the Minster, he could not so well attend him, as his wildness required: and fearing again, that his foolish love towards him might induce him to forbear correction when he well deserved the same, and the neglect thereof was a certain mean for ever to undo him, he rather determined to send him to the Church of Saint Nicholas amongst other little children of the City, where he had not been three days, but he falling at variance with a Merchant's son of the same town that was his school fellow, he burst his lantern book all to pieces, and the boy's forehead was so sore, that the blood ran about his ears, neither could they stay it, but conducted him home to his mother, who when she saw the blood of her little son, she well-near fell into a sown, and had sunk to the earth, if she had not been supported by her husband, who after he had well viewed it, assured her that the boy was nothing the worse, and then sending for a Surgeon, caused him to stay the bleeding, and to plaster the sore: but albeit there was hope of amendment, yet when the mother knew after what manner it was done, she bitterly raged against poor Dobson, causing, not only his School master severely to correct him, but attending sir Thomas his coming from the Cathedral Church, who was to pass by her shop, she made a grievous complaint to him against his Nephew, bringing her son to the view, and showed him the greatness of the sore, and after a woman's manner, whose anger is implacable, and whose revenge is measureless, she told sir Thomas, that unless he did punish his nephew for the fact, she would have him debarred of coming any more to school there, either the master, if he received him, she would have extruded from his place. Sir Thomas in good speeches praying her to be satisfied, promised to perform her desire, and if she mistrusted his word, if so it seemed good to her, he offered to give him the law in her presence. But she told him, no, that he should not, for she nothing doubted the fulfilling of his promise, and that she did not seek his affliction by way of revenge, but that he might thereby be warned and deterred from doing so any more, and so seemed to request him to do it discreetly and without bitterness: sir Thomas made few more replies, but made haste home to welcome his new guest with the whip: and though he were sorry for the child's hurt, yet he could not but laugh in his mind, at the knavery of his Nephew, and the choleric stomach of the Merchant's wife, poor Dobson nothing at all thinking of further conflicts, lamenting only the breaking of his book, for which he not a little sorrowed what answer to make to his uncle: to lie, he esteemed it the worst course that could be, for he knew his uncle would sift forth the truth, and if he should be taken with a false report, he was assured to be purged thereof with no less than with the best blood in his breath: so, not able to bethink himself of a reasonable excuse, he wept no less than for his beating received at his masters hands, expecting a sharper penance. His master observing him still to continue in tears, demanded of him why he further wept, to whom he bewrayed his fears, and the cause thereof. His Master moved to compassionate his case, and deeming it injustice to have him two times punished for one offence, he sent for a little glue, repaired his book, and writ to his uncle all the circumstances of what had happened, desiring him to remit unto him this first little delict, and to content himself with such punishment as he already had inflicted upon him. Dobson humbly thanking his Master for this unlooked for benignity, as blithe as Bird on 
M 〈…〉  briar, posteth home with his warrant in his pocket, but he was no sooner entered into the Hall, and had broken a courtesy to his uncle while he did espy upon the Table holly wands in water, cold cates, God wot, to stay his empty stomach withal. His uncle taking one of them into his hand, said: Now good sir, where have you bestowed yourself this day, that you stay so late abroad? Good uncle, replied Dobson with a sober and demure countenance, casting his eyes upon the ground, I have been at the School. Have you so? sayeth sir Thomas▪ I pray then le's see your book, and how much you have learned all this day? With that poor Dobson breathed forth a piteous sigh, and with a pensive heart and trembling hands he pulled his patched book forth of his pocket, at which sight his uncle not able to contain himself from smiling, turning away that he might not be perceived, laughed a good space: afterward reflecting his looks upon his lamentable nephew, down whose cheeks the tears streamed. My boy, said he, I pray thee, who hath made thee a Joiner? me thinks thou hast taken thy book in sunder, and hast made it to stand upon joints, whereas in the morning it appeared unto me to be all one piece▪ without chincke, joint, or member, otherwise my sight deceived me: then Dobson prostrating himself, humbly prayed his uncle of pardon, and made true relation of the conflict passed betwixt him and his fellow, and that whatsoever he had done, it was in his own defence, adding moreover, that his Master had already given him due punishment for his trespass, and therewithal he pulled forth his masters note, and delivered it to his uncle, the subject whereof agreed wholly with his report, and had undoubtedly procured his pardon, if he had not remembered his promise before made to the merchants wife, whereupon he caused poor Dobson to untruss, and to offer his bréech to the block, which he sound lashed, and the next morrow carrying him unto the Merchant's wife, caused him to ask both her and her son forgiveness, who pardoning him, he was sent again to the School, with charge to keep the peace with his fellows, lest he drunk of the whip again.   

¶ How the Boys of the School caused George Dobson to be whipped for their fault. Chap. III.  
THus is George Dobson (as you have heard) sent again to the School, where he had not long continued but that he precéeded the most part of his fellows, who long before him had been sent thither, to his uncles great content and pleasure, who at all times warned him to beware of playing the wag, and of quarreling with his fellows, threatening him, that if he so ill carried himself, he would for ever eject and turn him out of the doors, whereas otherwise, if as a dutiful boy he would apply his books, and would also conform himself to the disposition of his fellows, and with them would live in unity and concord, he should not then want any manner of thing convenient to his estate and calling, but that after his death he would make him his sole heir, and possess him of all his lands, leases, farms, and hereditaments. The boy was very attentive to his uncles exhortations, and conceived well, that such advise and counsel much concerned his health and welfare, and therefore (to his power) he put them in execution, behaving and demeaning himself very respectively, both in the presence of his uncle, and abroad: ever standing in doubt, that if he should commit any thing unapproovable, that the same might come to his uncles knowledge, and if so, he were then for ever undone. But notwithstanding all his care, which was mere acquisite and not habitual, as affirmeth the old Proverb, That which is bred in the bone, will not forth of the flesh: Naturam expellas furca licet usque recurret.  
He must needs go whom the devil driveth: and whose fortune it is to be strangled, certain it is he shall never drown: So albeit George Dobson studied by all possible means to perform all his uncles pleasures and commandments, yet for his life he could not accomplish them, so many blocks were set for him to stumble upon, for naturally he was of a crabbed and untoward disposition, and so rustic like, that he could not cover his clownish and wayward manners with the habit of civility, and in regard of his rude and ill favoured gestures, antic tricks, and apish toys, his Schoolfellows many times took occasion to deride, scorn, and laugh at him: whereof he being very impatient, and not daring with club and fist to revenge it, lest thereby he should procure his uncles indignation, for excessive grief, anger and sorrow, he would wrinkle his brows, whet his teeth, and pull the hairs from his head, which he would scatter and throw abroad in frantic manner. And if it had not been more for the fear he had to lose his uncles favour, than the whipping he assured himself would ensue the combat, the most part of them had felt the weight of his fists. But the respect of his uncles love and affection moved him to bear so long, until his heart was like to break with discontent. The boys of the City playing upon this advantage, especially his Schoolefellowes, knowing him to be bred in the Country, banded themselves together, made no less to do about him, than the other birds do of the Owl at noone-time, if they catch her abroad in the woods; they omitted no opportunity to disgrace him, either by rhyming, or railing upon him, and with every other despite their waggish brains could devise, they abused him: many times they would forge matters of disorder, thereby to incense their master against him, yea and most times when themselves had committed the faults worthy of correction, they would thrust the blame upon him. And although he had ever wit enough to discharge and clear himself of their accusations, by the inference of diverse probabilities of the contrary: yet, because they were a multitude, and he only one, their testimony was allowed, and he assuredly sustained the punishment, because the fact done, and their witness improved him, he not being able in particular to convict any of them of the offence. And in the winter éevenings they enacted many a lewd stratagem about the shops in their way to the School, as bursting glasen windows, overthrowing Milk maids pails, pulling down stalls, and crushing out the links which were hung forth to give light to the Passengers in the streets. And whensoever they were pursued by any of the persons house or family to whom these injuries were done, they had decreed that some should betake themselves to flight, as accessary and guilty of the trespass, and that some others should abide, as nothing consenting to the act, and willingly should reveal and nominate the parties offending, which whosoever they were, only Dobson was the man slandered, though both innocent and ignorant, yet ever upon the next morrow, the law proceeded, the case was determined against him, and he was found guilty by the general verdict of the Jury. And to conclude, he upon every such occasion suffered always the punishment that others had deserved: and these centriving of his fellows were so continual, that they made him almost weary of his life, and so desperate in the end, that he became in respect thereof, that he resolved rather than any further to tolerate this mis-usage, either to run his country, or to forsake his friends and their company, either to set at nought his uncles injunctions, and as he could catch any of them alone, whose malice he perceived to be endless against him, to pay them their debts in a devils name. Long he rested doubtful whether course to make choice of, and after much discuss and consideration, he conceived, that to relinquish his uncle and other his friends in such a sort, were not his best booty, for one way he should thereby deprive himself of all their kind effection, and do more damage and disgrace to them all, and his own good name, than all their mischievous devices could be able to effect. Because the rumour of his departure, spreading itself through all parts of the Town, would make the people suspect him accessary of some notorious trespass done against his uncle, and for fear of punishment so to have exiled himself: either that his uncle might be a shrewd and curious man, for strictly handling him, and that to avoid his austerity and hard usage, he had thus put himself to flight, either of which conceits he collected might be prejudicial to them both. Again, whither to run or direct his course, he knew not, unless it were home to his mother, who he was persuaded would return him back with a very vengeance. And then (said he) with what face can I look upon my uncle, or any other person of my acquaintance? And to go to any other place, alas who will entertain or receive me, every stranger will suppose the truth, that I am run from my friends, and that therefore I am the more apt to do the same from them, If I shall taste any asperity or eager usage, this will be their imagination of me, and heereuppon every man will be afraid to admit me into his house, and what then will ensue of me? If not, either to starve, beg, or steal: so that this course, upon these considerations, he rejected, as in no case to be prosecuted. And for the other, to fall to fisty cuffs, to give them as good as they brought, and to pay them home their loan, with usury, though his stomach served well thereto, and his desire to deal his alms amongst them in such a sort, was no less than to his dinner, yet he apprehended divers inconveniences imminent thereupon to ensue, to wit, his masters reward, which could be no less worth than twenty lashes, at every time he should hazard for it, and the enmity of his fellows, and the worst that they could do unto him beside he was to expect. But both these two were in his cut already, and as a man would say, predestinate unto him before either coat or shirt. And therefore seeing it was his destiny, and a thing inevitable, it was as good to have some play for his money, he thought, as to give it away gratis. But then to curb this resolution came to his remembrance, the loss of his uncles goodwill and affection, if he should so violate his commandment, and do against his own promise: nay, at his uncles hands he looked for no better than either utter ejection, or the severest punishment he could inflict. What shall then poor Dobson determine to do in the midst of so many extremes, never a one whereof hath any medium? Alas poor soul saith he to himself, and is there no remedy, but either like a patient Ass I must apply my back to support all the burdens of my contumelious fellows scorns, derisions, abusings, and forgeries, together with my masters merciless and unjust punishments, and the people's undeserved exclamations, or else needs must I take me to my heels, and▪ so run away, making my feet worth two pair of hands, and myself guilty of some filthy crime, never so much as once thought upon by me: or shall I stand unto the matter, and turn again like a man, and purchase my liberty, although with the expense of the dearest blood in my breath, and perhaps with the loss of my uncles favour, who if he weigh well my cause, or could understand how I am forced thercunto, and that my revenge is but equal and just, hath no reason to be offended with me for such action. And certainly, of all other it is my most honourable decree, neither is he so austere, stern, or scarce of good nature, but that reason will persuade him, and for once I will attempt him: The other courses are not only evils, but ignominious, and where all are inconveniences, it is well allowed, that I make choice of the least in appearance: and herewith he settled his purpose, that the next time they occasioned him by any of their accustomed practices, or set any new snare wherein to catch him, he would hazard to hang some of them by the neck, if he could.  
Long it was not before they thus consulted against him: in the City near unto the gate called Chapel Bar, was dwelling a Haverdasher, who had a very fair wife, and as it was also reported, a merry disposed wench, a good companion among Gallants, when she could procure her husband's absence, either get a gossipping. All the crew of Venus' attendants hearing tell of her beauty, witle, and good fellowship, repaired to her company, supplicating for loves trophies, and the spoil of her honesty, whereof (as the rumour went) she was no great niggard, yet amongst all the number, she most affected a Butcher of the City, and her next neighbour, who the more to content her humour, continued in a bachelors estate, though a man, of parsonage very proper, and much desired of a multitude of Maids in the city, who spared not (so far as modesty permitted) to solicit his love. But he reserved their expectations, therewithal to applaud the contents of this gallant Dame, and she (as it was generally conjectured) used him with no less kindness than her husband, affording to him all his desires as opportunities served her thereunto: and so often as her husband had occasions to absent himself, by reason of his going to Fairs and Markets and other like necessary business in the Country, she would give intelligence thereof to the Butcher, who never failed to supply her defect in every point, as if he had been the Haberdasher: Their familiarity and acquaintance, at the length, grew so public, that every corner of the City was filled with the report thereof, and most men esteemed the Haberdasher free merchant in Cuckold's row: But she standing upon the Pantofles of her honesty, thought scorn to be told that Bucks had horns, or that Taverns were taken open Inns, and therefore, so often as she was trodden upon the toes, as divers times in quarrels with her neighbours she was let to understand how the verdict passed as concerning her honesty, she would forsooth persuade her husband that it was a sufficient action to call such persons before the Chancellor of the Spiritualties, and either in the public Court to prove what they had slandered her withal, or they failing therein, should forthwith be constrained to make her lawful satisfaction for so injurious costs and charges.  
And this she continually suggested her husband unto, not upon the knowledge of her innocency, but only of purpose to cloud the poor cuckolds eye-fight, and that under this pretext and challenge, she might insinuate herself into her husband's good conceit, and the better cloak her knaveries: and by these glorious shows and painted devices, she so much prevailed with him, that he really believing that she was a mirror of true modesty, and envied only by her neighbours, because she exceeded them in beauty, whereby he thought some jealousies they had lest she might allure from them their devoted servitors and affected friends, he walked on forward like a snail with a house on her head, who no sooner looketh forth, but her horns are espied, the poor fool therefore relying more confidence in his wife's flatteries, who notwithstanding all her bravadoes, would have been very loath that matters should have come to the scanning: then his neighbours certain and assured conjectures supposing his wife to be one of those innocent souls, who were inturiously slandered and persecuted for her conscience sake, caused two honest matrons of the city, the one a Draper, the other an Apothecary's wife, to be summoned before she Commissary, and there, either to make good such scandalous and opprobrious speeches, as lately in their fall out they had taxed her with all: not being able to manifest the same, he desired the Commissary that they might be enjoined to ask his wife forgiveness, in the Court, Church, and market, in part of satisfaction for her credit and good name, so depraved and brought in question. But alas poor man, he had forgot that the more the dirt is stirred, the greater stinch it yéeldes, and that whereas before he was but suspected to be a cuckold, that now, if it were in their power to prove it certain, they would rather do it, than hazard the penalty of the law: But he, I say, nothing mistrusting his wife's defence was very earnest in the master, and so hotly pressed them, as they could not avoid him without their own prejudice, until they made apparent by such instances, as his wife was not able to improve, and themselves blushed to produce, that he was one of them to whom the bird in May sings the double note, cuckoo. So when the case was substantially discussed, and sentence to be given, the two matrons were discharged free, and he confirmed a cuckold by the order of the Court.  
Hereupon such poetical brains as were resident in the City, to whom intelligence was given of the circumstances, rhymed upon the Haberdasher's fortune, and his wife's behaviour, the Schoolboys sung ballads thereof in every street, and for nine days there was no talk in request, but to discourse how the Haberdasher was knighted. The waggish mates who were Dobsons' fellow scholars set their heads together, devising how they might procure him the block, which they did think might easily be effected, if they could contrive any pageant, whereby to bewray the Haberdasher's disgrace, and impose it upon him: for their master was so much his friend, that he would not spare any of them to satisfy him for any offence by them committed to his dishonour, and so at last they concluded, some night, when the streets were at quiet, and none to disturb them, they would fasten to the appendix over the Haberdasher's door a pair of bulls horns, with a pageant betwixt them, wherein they caused to be painted a man in his shop selling hats, and a Butcher in a parlour with his wife, his one arm folding and embrating her about the middle, and in his other hand he held a mastiff dog in a string. Over their heads was hanging the similitude of a bird singing upon a howthorne, and on his crest he had curiously portrayed a red and green bunch of feathers like a comb, forth of the which sprowted a fair pair of seemly horns, of a branded colour. This they got set on by the help of a Smith of their acquaintance, and who bore some tooth against the poor Haberdasher, that so bolstered the head of his hammer, that it forced in the nail, without any noise making: And underneath th● pageant they placed these few lines written in parchment as followeth, subscribing George Dobsons' name thereunto.  

Who hats is here disposed to buy,  
These horns to him such hap escry,  
That here no hats are to be sold,  
Unless it be for some cuckold.   

Such is the master of this shop,  
Such shall they be that with him chop  
Or change an old hat for a new,  
His bargain he may haply rue.   

When on his brows are to be seen,  
Such horns as these and them between:  
These glorious ensigns of a knight,  
Who perished his weapons in a fight,   

Which he commenced against his wife,  
With whom he had a doubtful strife:  
But she got victory on the morn,  
And reared these trophies up in scorn,   

His feeble fight for to bewray,  
Who played the coward, and ran away:  
If he deny this to be true,  
The Chancery Rolls can to you show.   

That he adjudged is to be,  
A cuckold of the best degree:  
And we as Heralds him assign  
These arms, for now, and after time.   

Thus is he bounden to his friends,  
That to him such great favour lends:  
But you (good cuckold) take your sleep,  
The Butcher's dog your door doth keep:  
And when you ride to Hexam fair,  
The master will himself be there.   
And thus wishing all health to your horns, I bid you good morrow, George Dobson.  
When these brave wags had performed all these their devices, for that instant they went every man his way home to bed; on the next morrow, it being sunday, the Haberdasher and his family kept their beds longer than on the week days they had been accustomed, not having any greater business to go about before service time, than only to make their masters apparel ready, and wearied with overlabouring themselves the week precedent, they slept it out till half hour past seven, all which time the doors being shut, the sign of the horn gave a glorious show to the passengers that came by, whereof there was good store that morning, for it was at that instant the week wherein the Assizes were holden at Dunholme, and the Town (in regard thereof) was full of strangers: no man passed by but he surueighed the ignominy of the poor Haberdasher, reading the verses underset so many as could, others that had no skill in letters, got them perused by such as could, and as they understood the contents, every man blessed his forehead from the Haberdasher and his hats, laughing apace, and making good sport at the conceit of the jest. After a while, the last come of his apprentices, whose custom was to be first up, and to make the fires, hearing such noise and concourse of people about the shop, came hastily rushing to the doors, and unbolting the same, set them open, to see what the stir might be: but as the doors fell open, he might easily perceive the cause of such assembling of the people, and as one distracted with this sudden aspect, he stood amongst them as one who at the sight of Gorgon's head had thereby been transformed into a pillar of stone: the people laughed a good deal the more at his astonishment, whereby the poor boy's amazement and shame increased: but recollecting his spirits, he paced up the stairs to his masters chamber, where he was in bed with his honest mistress, by whose careful endeavour he was promoted to the order of the forked knights, whose scutcheon and coat armour is the bugle horn. The Haberdasher nothing less expecting, was by his apprentice informed of all what was to be seen: at the relation whereof he leapt forth of his bed, reaching to his sword, which hung besides him in the chamber, and casting only his gown about him, without any other clothes, he ran down the stairs, as a man newly bereft of his wits, and infurious and most terrible manner assaulting the horns, he all to battered and cut them from the doors, and tearing off the scroll, he rend it into pieces: at which spectacle the people were ready to die with laughing. But the Haberdasher having got the field, and given his enemies the overthrow, not so much as bidding his neighbours good morrow, he returned again into his house, so afflicted with shame and grief, as all that day he could not acquit himself, but fared up and down like a bedlam, exclaiming against his wife, and accursing the time wherein he came first acquainted with her, thus (by her lewd and naughty carriage) to become the scorn of the world: but she with gentle and calm speeches sought to temper his passions, praying him to pardon what was past, and she would vow and promise for ever hereafter, to live so soberly and so modestly, as he should think himself sufficiently satisfied for her former misdemeanour: and further also she persuaded him not to permit so shameful a disgrace to pass unrevenged, and therefore she moved him to charge sir Thomas with the same before the Dean and Chapter of the house, assuring him, that they would enforce him upon his conscience to disclose so much as he knew thereof, for (said she) albeit the boy be very waggish, and apt enough to execute so much knavery as he can bethink, yet do I not persuade myself that he could invent this, and hang it up in such a sort, without the assistance of some more subtle brain than his own, and therefore sir Thomas being accused thereof before his masters, will either confess the same upon their injunction and command, (if he have been a factor therein:) or otherwise, if he be ignorant, yet shall he be urged (for his own discharge) to constrain his nephew to unfold the truth of the whole matter.  
The poor fool not considering that this course was still a mean to publish and divulge his further infamy, followed his wives advice, and waited his time without acquainting sir Thomas of his intent, he repaired to the Dean at such time, when he and the residue of the prebends were assemblsd in their Chapter-house, to confer of certain leases to be demised, and the reformation of some disorders in the Churchmen: he being admitted into the Chapter house, requested M. Deans and their favours, desiring that sir Thomas might be called before them, that he might liberally disburse his mind, and freely lay open his grief withal, beseeching them that according to their accustomed sincerity and pious considerations, they would grant him justice against sir Thomas, so far as the equity of his cause might seem to require, which they promised to do; and sending for sir Thomas, who immediately presented himself, they willed the Haberdasher to proceed with what he had to say who amply related at large the setting up of the horns, with the scrolls annexed, and the shame he sustained thereby, and adding, he said; sir Thomas this was either properly your own act, or otherwise it was done by your direction, for unto the scroll was subscribed the name of your nephew, George Dobson: and therefore good master Deane (said he) let sir Thomas be enjoined to show his purpose therein, and to make me amends, or I shall complain upon you all to higher powers, who I trust will remedy my case, and afford me law and justice against you all, for the neglect of my satisfaction; for you ought to instruct such ignorant people (as myself) not only by good and wholesome doctrine, but also by the example of a holy and godly life, and it hath not been heard of in any man's age, that ever any such abuse hath been devised by any of the Clergy, as this which hath been practised upon me: and therefore I sue to you M. Deane, and the rest of your brotherhood, that I, as I am publicly disgraced thereby, so at the next time of the Sessions, sir Thomas in the face of the Judges of Assizes, and the people there assembled, shall confess his misdoing, and upon his knees shall ask me and my wife forgiveness, for certainly, I am persuaded, that albeit his Nephew seemeth to take it unto him, yet can it be no other, than sir Thomas his devise: for which (I say) if you do not constrain him in this form to satisfy me, I shall speak shame of you all, & assure myself that you have been all thereunto assenting as much as he, and herewith in a great chafe he was ready to depart, without hearing of Sir Thomas his reply, either M. Deans verdict, who laughed full heartily at the Haberdasher's impatience, and his hot invective made against sir Thomas. But dissembling it as much as possibly he could, covering his face with his gown sleeve, he entreated the Haberdasher's placable audience, till sir Thomas had made answer to his objection; wherein if he did not fully discharge and acquit himself, he swore to him upon his holiness, that both sir Thomas, and his Nephew likewise should undergo, either that, or any other penance: notwithstanding (said M. Deane) that I could wish, you would admit of some other satisfaction more to your own commodity, and with more safe escape of your credit. For say that sir Thomas should perform all that you desire, yet if there be any cause of probability, that your wife hath faulted to you, though but in suspect amongst your neighbours, yet this action ministering occasion to strangers to make inquiry of the matter amongst their acquaintances in the town, and shall thereby understand their censures and opinions, it will but make the infamy the more notorious, that he doth it upon Injunction, and fear lest that if he should refuse so to do, he should be deprived of his Benefices and disgraded: others will conjecture, that he doth it the more to notify your disgrace, and your wifes ill demeanour, to the end that she perceiving her shame to be published, may be forced to correct her carriage; for unless my memory do fail me, I understand by the Chancellor of our spiritnallties, that too much hath been proved against her. And if sir Thomas then should first acknowledge the setting up of the said horns which stuffeth this your stomach, and it can digest no better course but revenge, and after that he hath made the same acknowledgement, shall reply and infer, that he hath done no more than hath been proved in open Court, to be due to such dishonest dealings, and shall also adduce the same Testificants, that were witnesses against her in the Chancery, where will then your amends be had, shall not then your matter be worse than at the beginning?, yea certainly. But howsoever, I am very willing that you have justice, and whatsoever penalty the law will impose for so indign an action if he cannot clear himself he shall abide it, but 'tis convenientt we put him to his purgation, and hear what answer he can make, and turning his face toward sir Thomas, he thus framed his speech.  
I do not a little marvel, that you sir Thomas, should show yourself so scarce of reason, or civility; nay, so void of the fear of God and the respect of your function, and the good estimate of us all, whose credits must needs be blemished, if you have had a hand herein, or meddled in such irreligious complots, to the utter defamation of any person, with such hazard of their lives and souls. For if on the shame thereof they had laid violent hands on themselves, desperately killed each other, what a horrible sin had you been guilty of and attaint? I grant it is your office, Vitia improbare, turpitudinem, redarguere, & fratrem peccantem admonere: but it is to be done Suaviter & sine amaritudine, and with Noah's blessed son we must rather take the mantle from our own backs, to cover therewith our brother's nakedness, then with wicked Cham, lay open our father's shame to the view of the world; which if we do, we are to expect no better reward than was his, to wit, the malediction of our heavenly and celestial father, and therefore without inference of many circumstances, if you be guilty I do charge you upon your conscience, Priesthood, and the duty you owe unto God and our fellowship, in a word sincerely to confess it, and if you be ignorant thereof or not assenting thereto, your oath shall suffice to satisfy both us and this honest man; and therewith he caused a book to be carried to sir Thomas, whereupon he deposed as followeth: By the contents of this holy Bible, by the love I owe unto Almighty God, and by my obedience unto this place and society, upon the integrity of my conscience, and the honour of my Priesthood: I am innocent of every paticular wherewith this man chargeth me, and this is the first time that ever I heard of it. And also I protest, that if my Nephew have been an Agent herein, I shall first give him such punishment as he hath deserved, and after I shall exclude and renounce him for ever: and therewith he kissed the book, and surrendered it again. Whereat goodman Goose was clean quatted, and not able to bring any further proof, departed a more known cuckold than before, and so continued all his life long.  
Sir Thomas being also dismissed from the Chapter house, could not be contented until he had further inquired of this matter, and so going to the school, he examined his nephew of the same, in the presence of his master, and the scholars, of whom there were diverse, which did evidence against him, both falsely, and upon malice, especially they who were the principal offenders, as a Tanner and Painters sons, who faced him down, that he bespoke them to provide him of the signs which were set up, and which they (mistrusting no such matter) afforded him. But hereunto he answered with an undaunted courage, that they injuriously belied him, and alleged so many reasons as his childish brain could propound to improve their assertions, but no reason would excuse him, their testimony was allowed, and he sharply beaten, which he not knowing how to avoid, he took patiently for the time, yet he protested that he was not only innocent, but ignorant of the matter, and resolved, that seeing it was so, that it was all one with him, to be a thief, and to be but only suspected, he altered his purpose as Ployden did the Case, revenged his own injuries, without respect of either his uncles pleasures, or his masters punishments, and so that day in their going home to dinner, he dealt his benevolence, and paid so sound his false witnesses, that he caused them to sing miserere, and before his uncle to confess the truth of the matter, and their principal intent. Whereof his uncle much rejoicing, and understanding his innocency, moved them to declare the same before their master, first taking his promise to pardon their offence: for (saith he) their acknowledgement shall free them from punishment, which their master granting, they unfolded every circumstance, which he particularly related again to master Deane and the prebends, who much commending his nephew, willed sir Thomas to place him at the singing school, and promised, that so soon as he could keep any consort, or bear a part, they would benefice him in the Cathedral. For which he humbly thanking them, departed home in great content and peace of mind.   

¶ How Dobson revenged the quarrel of his friend upon the Usher. Chap. 4.  
GEorge Dobson, every day after this, so long as he continued at the reading school entered the lists, and fought the combat with some one or other of his fellows, wherein fortune so much favoured him, as she always granted him victory, and he brought them unto such slavery and subjection, that howsoever he used them, complain they durst not, unless the hurt were so apparent as that it could not be covered from their masters sight, neither then upon examination dared any of them tax him therewith, unless himself did confess the matter, which he always did with such dexterity, as he always sufficiently discharged himself, and thrust the blame upon the party injuried, whereunto no man used any contradiction: and the master, in respect he had found forth their practices against him in former time, the rather took his word, and the less believed them, whereby ensued to him a great deal of quiet: for they seeing him so stand to himself, man forth his own matter, and the master so much on his side, that it was not possible to separate him from his good conceived opinion, by little and little they desisted from further abusing him, contenting themselves with only laughing at him in secret. His uncle also became so hopeful of his well doing, that he likewise turned a deaf ear to all complaints that came against him, imagining that such were rather urged of malice, as in former times than upon any desert, and so when as he could perfectly write and read, he removed him thence to the singing school, where he profited so well, that in short time he was fit for a Choristers room, which to him was granted upon the first motion made, the Dean himself installed him, and of his own proper charge furnished him with gown and surplice, commanding his uncle to reserve the benefit of his place for his preferment to the university of Cambridge or Oxford, when he should be sufficient to be sent thither. His uncle no small man in regard Master Deane so much respected his nephew, fitted him of every thing convenient to his estate, not permitting him to want any thing that the boy would demand or say was needful: and perceiving his uncle so much to dote upon him, he played the wag with more liberty than before, and being grown up to a good sturdy lad, he first so handled the matter, that he became captain of Schools, and so hampered the whole multitude as no man dared to offend him, but studied by all possible means to invest themselves into his favour and friendship, whereof they being possessed, thought themselves as sure as if they had been shut up in Work castle, for to his favourites none presumed to offer injury, or make complaint upon them, neither the Usher adventured to punish for what offence soever; but by his connivency, so much he feared his displeasure, whereof he had upon occasions tasted, and having been once under him at shrift, he found him so strict in the imposition of penance, that he never desired afterward to use him any more for a ghostly father, and the matter came thus to effect. There was in the school one Raikebanes, whom Dobson highly loved, and more esteemed of, than of all other fellows, both in regard he was borne in the country, and also for that his manners and conditions were more correspondent to his humour than any others in that place: This Raikebaines one day when he supposed that they should have licence so pastime themselves in the fields, brought with him to the school his artillery, purposing to bestow that after noon in shooting, but his expectations proved frustrate, for their superior Master Bromeley was at the same instant by his acquaintance invited into the town to a banquet, where he conceiving to be longer detained from school than he could have wished, referred to the usher the whole charge thereof, taking with him only Debson, because he was a pleasantly disposed guest, and apt to incite laughing, as also having a tunable voice to assist him, if his company called for a Song, the Usher set in the top of his triumph, to manifest his authority, was so precise, that at no entreaty of gentlemen he would condescend to let the scholars go abroad, notwithstanding divers of good respect made suit for the same▪ all of whom he shakd off with an absolute denial; but some of them scorning to be too importunate, either to have him think that they respected to rest beholden to him for so simple a favour, sent to master Bromeley himself, who willingly assented to their requests and dismissed the scholars, notwithstanding master Usher his repugnancy to the contrary, and albeit that the day was far gone before they were set at liberty, yet Raikebaines procured some of his best acquaintances to spend so much thereof as remained in shooting.  
And returning home towards night, in a valley betwixt the river and the wood, which banketh the river all alongst as it environeth the city, he espied M. Usher at his meditations, whose presence his stomach was not able to digest for that he had so peremptorily abridged them of that days recreation. And so speaking to his companions, by my truth (saith he) I discover a Woodcock by the water side, and I could find in heart to pick his head to the bones, and give my dogs his flesh, so do I love him, I would I were in France, upon condition his nose were of equal size with a natural woodcock's bill, I should make a commodity of his picture, I am assured, if not of the real substance: Well sir William, though I be not of strength sufficient to deal with you at handy strokes, and beat wit into your wooden head, yet my heart is good enough to hazard with you at the spears point: and as Hercules, unable with speed of foot to overtake the Centaur, running away with his fairest Deinira, sent a messenger to stay him till his coming; so myself acknowledging my imbecility and weakness to dis-inable me to close with you in arms, will nevertheless fight afar off, and dispatch my post, by whose speedy blast, you shall be let to understand how dearly I affect you: and therewithal pulling an arrow from under his girdle, he sent it with a right good will, to bid sir William good Evensong, which lighting upon the shirt of his gown behind, only feared him without any further harm. But he turning about, and seeing from whence the flight was sent, set himself back to meet them at the bridge foot, where making inquiry of the matter, the whole case was unfolded and Rackebains attainted.  
The next morrow he complained to M. Bromley, and caused poor Iames to be lashed, at which Dobson storming made no great exterior show, yet purposed in heart to take a condign revenge upon sir William when opportunity served, which he performed within a short time after, as you shall hear.  
Sir William had a chamber near to M. Deans own lodging, and the foredoor opening into the great yard, (commonly called the Abbey garth, it had also a back door, by the which he might pass through M. Deans kitchen garden into the Cathedral, as also when it pleased him to take the benefit of the same, there he might walk, or exercise any other recreation by M. Deans licence, who for that he esteemed him a very honest young man, and a painful in school matters, authorised him to use the easement thereof: in a corner of this Garden was built a house for M. Deane his Poultry, where he had always great store feeding for his provision, both Turkeys, Capons, Fezants, and other of like sort. Dobson therefore upon this injury done to his friend, continually troubled his brain for revenge, and after advisements, he supposed he could no way so sufficiently come quit with him, as to devise some mean whereby to procure him M. Deans alienation of good will, and loss of good liking; being therefore very intimate and familiar with the Boy that attended him in his chamber, he was particularly informed of sir William's whole course and demeanour, and of all the benefits of his lodging. Dohson then thinking that in respect sir William only had access into this garden, that if he could draw the boys assent unto the practice of any knavery, either in the garden or about the Poultry, that there might be occasions good enough to set master Deans stomach against him became so entire with the boy as in short space he promised to concur with Dobson for the making up of any jest, that might not tend to his own extreme prejudice, and his masters utter infamy. For which Dobson protesting to regratiate both him, and to have care of the circumstances, lay still in wait, when he might take sir William napping, or fitly effect any thing whereby to work him some notable shame; in the winter time when a snow fell, he came to the Chamberlain desiring him to afford him a pair of sir William shoes, and that the same night when sir William should be asleep, that he would suffer him to enter the wooddeyard, where (saith he) I will be so hardy as to take away one of master Deans fattest Turkeys, wherewith we will make merry and laugh in some convenient place in the town. O God forbid said the Chamberer, for when the Turkey is wanting they will strait suspect me, because I only, and my master the Deans Poulterer excepted, have recourse into that place, and for my master they know him honest enough, neither will they conceive any jealousy of him, but presently they will accuse and also cause me to be punished. Not so quoth Dobson, for to prevent them therein I desire to have sir William's shoes, that they may see that the print left in the snow is of a man's foot, not of a boys, which sight will assuredly acquit thee: and knowing sir William's honesty in all former times, they will be brought to that exigent, that they shall not know what to do or say: and hereupon they will be enforced to conceal it, lest if accusing thy master, the blame be thrust upon themselves. The boy loath to displease Dobson, or to hazard his goodwill, condescended to his desires, lent him a pair of his master's shoes, and at his time appointed permitted him to have free passage through the house into the woodyard, from whence he took away the fattest Turkey to his knowledge, and quietly conveying him by the same passage, leaving the shoes with the boy in the Chamber, he carried the Turkey to be dressed in the town at a Cook's house of his acquaintance, wherewith he feasted such of his friends as he made choice of, laughing to consider how he intended to blonke sir William: so when the morning came he conveyed himself betimes to his uncles chamber, which was also in the same court, and had one window lighting into the same woodyard, thither he secretly conveyed himself to attend the Poulterers coming to serve his birds, who about his ordinary time came to bring them meat, and to see if he had all his number, where he miss (by the head) the Turkey that was stolen. This want being extraordinary, amazed him: and he could not devise how it should come to pass, if either some weasel, stot, or poulecat had not devoured her. But then again he considered that so little a beast could not so dispatch him, but that there would have been left some remainders; neither could he discern which way any such vermin could have access unto that place. To think that he was stolen, was but a mere imagination, as he supposed, since there was no way left to thieves, so that what to censure aright he was altogether ignorant.  
But while that he stood in this doubt and perplexity, incertain what to do or determine upon, suddenly turning himself about, he observed in the snow the print of a man's foot, which he traced from thence to Sir William's back door, where he perceived the entry of the same, and the exit likewise, which put him into a greater ecstasy than before: sometimes he thought without further question this way hath my masters Turkey been conveyed: and yet I muse who should do it, for I may be well assured that Sir William would not so trick me for a world of riches, neither hath it been done by his consent either knowledge: for he promised to my Master on his credit, that no other but himself only and his boy that ever should come into that place, and then to charge him with so foul a fact were great folly, and to myself it might procure great displeasure. For first, if I should object this against him, neither will my Master give any ear thereto, either believe it, so highly standeth Sir William in his favour: neither will he for any time hereafter think well of me, for broaching such a slander. And holding this no expedient course, before he proceeded any further in the matter, he returned into the kitchen, where he related to the Cooks what had chanced, requesting them to advise him what to do, who came all forth with him into the woodyard to see how the case stood, & could as little say to the matter as himself: divers were their verdicts, and they varied all in their opinions: some sti-mulated him to charge Sir William with the stealth, others wished him to beware what he did: some advised him to inform their Master, but the most part gave him counsel to let it quietly pass, without making further to do about it, and rather to give diligent attendance to the rest: alleging that if it were a steaith, seeing no stir to be made concerning this, the thief would hazard to have another, when he might be apprehended, and he only blamed and punished who had committed the trespass. But while they were thus divided in their judgements, and as it were in mutinies among themselves, Dobson as though he had been ignorant of the whole case looking forth at his uncles chamber window, desired to know the cause of such their debatings, whereof they made a brief rehearsal. Alas, God help you, are you so simple as to think your Masters Turkey gone by any other mean, then by him the print of whose foot you find in the snow: nay assure yourselves, that whosoever shoe that impression doth fit, he is the person which hath committed the theft. And I would counsel you to take heed how you charge Sir William therewith: for albeit there be probable signs that it hath been conveyed thorough his chamber, yet his honesty and good carriage is of such regard, both with your Master, and the whole, as you shall incur great blame by such complaint, unless you were able to prove it against him, and therein I do suppose you will find difficulties, for he hath never yet been convicted of any misdemeanour, and therefore take good advise before you call him into question. And in my opinion, to free you of your jealousy of him, it is the best course, to borrow one of his shoes, by which you may take a sure trial whether it be he or not: and so may you deal with more security, both in respect of him and yourselves. This counsel was contenting to them all, and according to good reason. Knocking therefore at his chamber door, he being yet in bed, they moved his chamberer for one of his shoes, who suspecting the cause of their request, much against his stomach brought to them one of the same which Dobson had used in the stealth: which agreeing equally with the print, they were all both very sorrowful and ashamed in Sir William's behalf: but Dobson was not a little joyful to see his devise take such fortunate effect. The Poulterer, as he whom it more concerned than the rest, called up Sir William, and after some invective speeches, questioned him of the Turkeys stealth: but he much marveling why they should so strictly tax him, when they had opened unto him the likelihoods, inducing them to charge him, protested upon the holy Bible, that himself was clear and innocent of such felony: and assured them further, that neither man nor child had entrance that way by his means, or upon his knowledge: and as for my boy (saith he) I dare also give to you my word, that he never cometh in place, but when myself am present; that is, when we go and come from service. But all this would not suffice to excuse Sir William, Dobson so urged the Poulterer to inform Master Deane thereof: for (saith he) if you shall fail to do it, I will cause my uncle to complain of you: for otherwise Sir William clearing himself in this manner, it may be supposed, that my uncle or I are acknown thereof, because our chamber window hath a prospect into the woodyard; but by your patience sir, you shall not block us so: and therefore as you will answer it when you shall hear thereof, it is your fairest mean to tell first, lest you be let to understand the same to your displeasure. And thus backed with Dobsons' threatenings, he acquainted his Master with all as you have heard. Master Deane enraged against Sir William, sent for him, and in the presence of the prebend's examined him of the same, who protested as before, that he did not know thereof. Well, (said Master Deane) Sir William, we will take your word, and pardon the fault, but yet the probability of the matter maketh us to misdoubt you; and from henceforth we will interrupt you of that walk, and entreat you to take a little more pains and go about. At which sentence passed, Sir William inwardly repined, that the people's ears should be filled with these suspicions, and to have his doors shut up. But howsoever it grieved him, he must enforce his patience: and so with solemn protestation of his innocency, for that time he departed home, both sorrowful and ashamed.  
Dobson well pleased to have procured him this dry Bob at Master Deans hands, was yet notwithstanding not fully satisfied with this revenge of his friends wrong, but determined yet further, when time served, to pay him all that he had promised, scorning to die in his debt: and therefore continuing still friendly with his Chamberlain, he understood that Sir William was about a wife, a merchants daughter in the Town, a pretty fisgig girl, and who to humour Sir William, would many times repair to his chamber, especially in the winter evenings, when the neighbours could not so well observe her walks as at other times when the days were longer, and the evenings more lightsome: Oftentimes she would keep him company all the night, until five of the clock in the morning, at which hour she commonly departed, that she might be at home before her father was up & came abroad forth of his chamber, who knew nothing of her vagaries which her mother permitted, upon the confident trust she had in Sir William his honest usage of her, who had moved her husband and herself in the matter, craving their favourable assents, of whom they conceived a singular good liking, and desired to accomplish the match with him, conditionally that Master Deane would assure him his place by patent during his life, but thereof he was quite hopeless in respect of his late accident, and dared not to make suit for it; and thereupon they deferred to give their consents, especially the merchant himself, but the maid being much affected toward him, and longing to be a mistress in the Abbey, frequented his company as before is said: whereof Dobson being perfitly instructed by the chamberer, laboured his wits, without intermission, how to gall sir William's delicates with some bitter syrup of disgrace: and having a nimble head and working brain, he thus effected his drift, he learned of the boy what night they had appointed for their next meeting at his masters chamber, which the boy discovered unto him: but why desirest thou to know, said he, fearing some such pretence as before he had drawn him unto? O nothing said Dobson, but if then thou couldst be absent, I should be glad to have thy company at the sign of the Foare, where I have set down that night to meet certain Gentlemen of the country, to whom I have promised a song, and a set of music, and I shall think myself much in thy debt if thou wilt be there to sing the Mean amongst us, which if thou shalt do, the least part of their liberality shall not be thine.  
Say no more (said the boy) for if mistress jane hold her appointment, and lodge with my master all the night, so soon as they are gone to bed, I will not fail to be one among you, but if they sit up all night, than I cannot be away, for that I must be sent into the town for wine, or some other conceit, as they shall think good. Why then said Dobson, this is all that we may resolve, that if she come according to promise, and occasion serve that thou mayest present thyself with us, than we shall have thy company; and if otherwise, thou shalt certify me, to the end that we may provide another to supply thy want: Thereof be you assured said the boy, and make no doubt: that sufficeth, quoth Dobson, and so farewell. The boy took his direct course to his mistress chamber, and Dobson his to certain of his dearest friends, whom he desired to afford him their assistance in the stealing of a Diere the next tuesday ensuing, for saith he, a kinswoman of mine in the country who longeth for venison, hath sent to me to provide her. I have both entreated for her, and offered money, but cannot procure her a simple fee, and rather than she shall receive harm for the want thereof, I will hazard to fetch one forth of bears park, so I may entreat your good helps. And if Fortune favour our attempts, look what shall be more than to stay her longing, shall be at your own disposing, neither shall you fear any inconvenience to come thereof: for if that our chance should be so evil as to be taken, I trust well that my uncle will work our atonement with Master Deane, and set us free from punishment, and in respect of that favour I shall rest wholly yours at all times to pleasure you. Dobsons' reputation was such amongst the cavalieroes in the city, that he could not so easily request, as they assent to effect his desires, assuring that to do him any pleasure, they were all at all times ready to abide any penalty of the law, without expectation of favour, or forbearance: for he said, he who will stand forth to help his friend's necessity for any fear, is not worthy the name of a good fellow, and therefore make choice of your time, and we will not be wanting to go with you, which they performed according to his assignment. And by the help of their greyhounds, they quickly had killed their game, and trussing her upon a horse, they brought her safely away, the Keepers that night neglecting their watch. Dobson directed them to an Inn in the town, where he desired them to attend his coming, which should be within an hour after. And when he once supposed them to be safe in the house, he went to the keepers Lodge in the Park, willing them to rise, for this night, saith he, one of your diere is slain and carried hence, as I conjecture, for coming this éevening to my uncle Pharaoes', I met her upon the shoulders of four good fellows, and (to my judgement) she is carried to sir William's chamber, the usher of the singing school, so that if yourself did not bestow her upon him, I believe that there you shall find both her and the parties that have committed the slaughter; for among them I could perfectly discern sir William, and his brother Robert: what the other were I could not so well observe, for they shunned my way a little, and myself was loath to be espied of them: and therefore now that I have discharged my love and duty to master Deane, and my good will to you: deal you herein as reason and the cause requireth, and herewith he departed posting after his companions as he could, until he came to the Inn, where he had appointed them to stay, and sir William's boy to meet him, who had continued there the most part of the night to attend his coming. Dobson commanding the cooks to make ready the venison, taking his companion aside, asked him if mistress jane were with sir William or not: yea and by this asleep betwixt his arms: and so let her be, quoth Dobson, we shall far the better for their sakes, God send them joy at their arising, and so going into the company again, they fell to sporting until the venison was made ready.  
The keeper of Bearesparke much moved at Dobsons' relation, without further delays leapt from his bed, and having put upon him his apparel, away he pased to Dunholme in haste, never so much as breathing till he came to the Deans lodging, where knocking at the gates, he commanded the Porter to let him in, for he had serious matters to deliver to his master, and that presently, being brought to his bed chamber, and admitted to speak, he made rehearsal of Dobsons' report, further annexing, that if it would please his worship to arise, and to make search in sir William's chamber, at this instant we shall take all them who have done injury to your worship, and murdered the game. The Dean believing that every thing was even so as he had said, having him in suspicion for his Turkey, arose in a great chafe against sir William, and caused his men to call up so many of the prebends as were then in the town, to assist him. They much marveling what occasions he had to employ them at that time of the night: they made great haste to come to his lodging, whither when they were all arrived, he declared the cause of his disturbing of them so extraordinarily, craving their pardon, because (saith he) if I should tolerate him to proceed in these courses, he will do shame to us all, in the face of the world; and for that you shall not suppose that I run against him upon mere suggestions, or splenative informations, I have therefore requested your presences, that you might be eye-witnesses of his abuses done against me: for notwithstanding that by my means he was not only placed in the School, as you all know, but also was allowed the pleasures of my gardens, and orchards, until such time as my Turkey was (through his default) taken away and stolen, which I pardoned him with the only abridgement of my garden contents, and the pleasures he thereby received: but in requital of my benignities he hath this night with other his confederates and loose fellows gone into my Park and stolen away one of my diere, and at this instant, in his chamber, is feasting there with the associates of his knaveries, whither I request you all to accompany me, that they may be all arrested, and undergo such penalty as the law to such offenders hath limited, for I perceive, that further to forbear him, is but to stimulate and egg him forwards to all other forts of disorder. Unto which his speech, they giving a general applause, set forward with him to search sir William's chamber, who (poor man) fearing no such matter, was laid arm in arm with his sweet mistress jane: and as he supposed, secure enough. But we see no man so much in danger as he who dreadeth none. Sir William unbracing his sweet mistress is awaked forth of his dreams, and commanded to s●t open his doors that master Dean may come in: O good Lord, who can explain the perplexities he conceived at the name of Master Deane? Alas said he to mistress jane, what shall we now do? or course shall we take to keep you from his sight? sor at the back door I can not dismiss you, for he hath caused that passage to be barred up so strongly, as that it can not be broken: nay, and perhaps his business is into the wooddeyeard, and then that were the worst of all other courses, conveyance I have none to hide you in, and if I should thrust you into my study, it is to be doubted that there he will find you: and I had rather go bare foot to Rome, than that he should so overtake us, for we were not only undone, but shamed for ever. It is wonder to me what he hath to do with me thus late in the night, or what should move him to come hither in th●s manner, unless some of purpose have given him intelligence of your being here.  
The young girl not able to advise him, quaking for fear, and ready to sink with shame, prayed him to thrust her under the bed, for sure saith she, he will have no occasion to see●e there for any thing, and casting her clothes about her as it would be, she crept under the bed herself, and sir William covered her with an old carpet: but the Dean offended that he made no more speed to let him into the house, persuading himself, that he of purpose kept him there, till he had conveyed his associates and the venison out of sight, commanded his men violently, to break open the doors, and enter the house: all which they did, and lighting up torches, gave way for M. Deane and the prebend's to come in; who strictly examined sir William of his companions and the venison, charging him to tell them where he had bestowed them, and it. (But sir William Godwot) though his conscience testified unto him that he was accessary to no such action, yet upon this heavy tax of M. Deane, he was ready to fall dead before them, swearing and protesting that he never came into that park, day nor night about any such purpose, humbly praying M. Deane to pardon him, and to alter such his conceits, for (saith he) I am a true and just man. But at this reply, the Keeper assured M. Deane that the very same night one Dear was killed, and that he who told him thereof, could not be mistaken of sir William. M. Deane there upon, notwithstanding all his solemn protestations, commanded to search every corner of the chamber, and under the bed, where they found the poor do in a cold palsy, who for shame to be so taken, sounded in the presence of them all, and was ready to give up the ghost: sir William became mute, and fared like a man destraughted. The Dean and prebend's blamed him very much, and threatened to punish these disorders, yet all did their endeavours to bring Mistress jane to her perfect senses again. And when she was recovered they sent her home to her mother's house, willing her mother to respect more her daughter's honesty and good name. Dobson and his associates were thrust in among the searchers, and laughed their parts at sir William his interprize. The Dean and prebend's returned home to their beds, so blanked with this bob, that they could not tell what to conceit other, then that some mad brain fellow, either spiting at, or meaning to make a scorn of sir William, had of purpose plotted it: but before the morning was blazed through the city the whole accedents, at which a number made good pastime. Poor Mistress jane kept her closet, ashamed to peep out of doors, until her father taking the matter in snuff, went to M. Deane and the prebend's, desiring them to constrain sir William to make amends to his daughter, and in the sight of the people to marry her: which they compelled him to do, and to gratify the Merchant, they confirmed him a patent of the Vshership as largely as he desired and contrary to his expectation. After this the truth of the matter was published, neither did any man disallow of Dobsons' bob, and sir William ever after was careful not to offend him, or any of his friends.   

How Dobson deceived his friend Raikebaines of a Pudding, and how he shut him up in the Candle cupboard. The fifth Chapter.  
DObson seeing his matches to make so well and his contrinings to come to so good a pass, broke his Bobs on each man's nose, without respect, he spared no persons but as occasion was offered, he played the wag, sometime in the city, other while in the country, by means whereof his fame spread itself all over: and all pleasantly disposed humourists, sought to be acquainted with him, although he were but yet a scholar: neither did at chive any small commendations for his practice against Sir William. But before this he had plotted divers others in the schools amongst his fellows, whereof one was this: Rakebaines (of whom before we have spoken) was borne in the country six miles distant from Dunhoime, whither he was sent to the school, to be instructed in good letters, and sundry good manners sitting his estate and parentage. He was tabled with a sister of his mothers married to a Lawyer in the City, who had also a son which daily did accompany him to the school, as very a wag as the best, yet he always more smoothly carried his knaveries then Rakebaines did; never putting his hand to any action, but when he was assured of another betwixt him & the halter. This Raikebains father being a gentleman of good port and great hospitality, kept continually a liberal and bountiful house; and toward Christmas time he killed every year great store of beasts. His mother to applaud her sons content, at such times always sent to him and her nephew some store of puddings: which he, to th'end he might brave of his mother's respect toward him amongst his fellow scholars, would many times carry with him to the school, therewith to break his fast, when the rest were licenced to go home, or to their Inns, which ordinarily they were wont to do at eight a clock in the morning. So it happened his cousin to be sick, Raikebaines was to go to school alone; he thought it better to carry his breakfast with him, then to trouble himself to come so far for it. And because he thought there was nothing so fit for his carriage as a pudding▪ he desired the maid to bestow one upon him, which his request she assented unto. But when it approached near breakfast time, he took great care how to have it safely warmed, and that it might not be snatched from him: and therefore fearing the disorders of his fellows, he entreated Dobson to afford his assistance, and to stand his friend: which if he should do, he promised to share it equally betwixt them. Dobson purposing in steed of an inch to take an ell, and for the whole scarcely to return the skin, prepared a place for it before the fire, and would not permit any man to come during the time it was in making hot. And before that it was thoroughly warmed, the clock struck eight, and every man departed except Dobson and Raikebaines, who stayed expecting till the pudding should be warm enough. Dobson having the promise of the half, sat devising how he might possess him of the whole: and so when he perceived it to be hot enough: james (saith he) look out at the window, and see whether any of them be returning to the school or not: for if they shall come before we have made an end, they will so molest us, that we shall not eat it in quiet: so that if thou dost espy any of them to be near hand, we will convey ourselves into some corner, until we have made dispatch thereof. But whilst james Rakebaines was ascending into the window, to do as he was advised, away goeth Dobson with the pudding thorough the Church and Cloister, into the Cannon's hall, wherein shutting himself, and fast bolting the doors, he feasted himself with the whole pudding: but Raikebanes in hope to recover some part at the least, pursued him with hue and cry through Church and Cloister, until he came to the Common hall, where finding the doors bolted, he stayed knocking and exclaiming the space of an hour▪ but could have no entrance, neither any answer. In the mean time while he there continued rapping and calling to his friend, sometimes imperiously commanding Dobson to part stake, and to make equal dividence with him: otherwhile entreating him to reward him with some small portion, who once was owner of the whole. Sir Thomas passing that way from his chamber to the Chancel, hearing him many times to nominate Dobson, came to know the cause of his disturbance. Rakebaines fully confiding by his help to have either his pudding, 〈◊〉 some part thereof restored, diselesed to him all the circumstances aforesaid: who much offended for his wrongs received, commanded Dobson to appear in his likeness, and to come to his answer: he hearing the voice of his uncle, came straight to the doors, and unboulting the same, patiently heard all that ever could be objected against him, unto the which he made this reply. Uncle (saith he) you may do as you see cause, in believing him or me, but surely he hath foreskipped and told to you my tale, for my Aunt Pharoe sent me this pudding upon Saturday last, which I reserved until now. And in very deed, because I feared that whilst I were called by my Master to sing, or other exercise, haply it might have been stolen from me, I entreated him to give respect thereto till it were warmed, and to recompense his pains I promised to bestow upon him some part thereof: but he would needs be his own carver, and either have the greater half, or none: which because he refused to stand to my benevolence, and the pact made betwixt us, I have wholly dispatched, and have left him none thereof: and for this cause he crieth and exclaimeth against me, as you hear. Raikebaines perceiving by Dobsons' countenance, that if he should reply against him, or deny any thing which Dobson had said to be true, that he should then for ever lose his friendship, seemed to yield to his affection, and to grant his defensory speech for truth, contenting himself both to brook the injury, and eke to bear the blame.  
Sir Thomas seeing no great cause upon the rehearsal made by both the parties why to chide his nephew, requested Raikebaines to acquit himself for that time, and charged tother no more so to distaste his familiar friend: But it was not long before Dobson had forgot his uncles strict injunction, and his promise of better using his friends: for it was his humour, never to play one shrewd turn alone, but being of a scrupulous conscience, he paid ever his debts double over, and scorned to restore the capital sum without the interest, and therefore once more he made bold with his fellow, curbing his expectations: and because Lent was at hand, he prepared him to observe the fast. This same year his uncle sir Thomas was chosen Choraster of the Cathedral, and to set up the tapers at the times of service, both morning and evening, from the feast of Saint Martin, until the feast of March. Sir Thomas, whether it were that leving his bed well in a morning, he was loath to rise so early in that cold season, or otherwise, for that he would have his nephew to have experience in these offices, whereunto in future times he might be elected and promoted, and not to be to learn when he should be placed therein. He made him his substitute, and appointed him to lighten and extinguish the tapers and candles, specially in the mornings: which Dobson diligently performed with the assistance of his fellows, who in hope to have some of the short ends which could no more be set up for the Church service did daily both before and after prayers, which were to be done at six of the clock in the morning, help him in the said office. And principally this Rakebains attended him more than any of the rest, to whom in respect of his diligence he had promised the square end of a great taper, at the laying up of the lights: which when Dobson was shutting of the cubboord, as seeming to have forgot his promise Raikebaines demanded. Dobson intending to entrap him, threw it to the further end of the cupboard, so far, that it was not possible to reach to it, unless that one of them should creep in, which Raikebaines offered to do, rather than that he would want the commodity of the candle, and so presently skipped into the candle cupboard, to fetch away the Taper: but Dobson locked fast the doors and departed thence to the schools, leaving Raikebaines to play the Cat, and warrant his tapers from the tyranny of the Rats, where he sat shut up howling and crying, from half hour past six, until almost ten in the sorenoone, at which time sir Thomas and other the Canons came to put upon them their Surplises, in which ordinarily they song their Service, and which, for readiness sake, they kept continually lying in presses there.  
Raikebaines hearing the sound of voices, and the noise of men's feet, cried forth so loud as he could, to the great admiration of sir Thomas, and the residue of the Canonists, who speaking in at the key hole, asked who it should be that was in his candle-cupboord, It is I, quoth Raikebaines. And who are you said sir Thomas? james Raikebains replied he. Alas quoth sir Thomas, how camest thou into that place? and how long hast thou sit there? Ever since half an hour after six this morning answered Raikebaines, and your nephew Dobson shut me here, because I went into the cupboard to fetch forth the end of a taper which himself had promised to bestow upon me, for helping him to gather and extinguish the lights after prayer. Sir Thomas pitying the poor boy, almost starved with cold and hunger, went to seek for his nephew Dobson in the Schools to set Raikebaines at liberty, threatening to punish him for his mis-usage. But Dobson excused himself, and said that Raikebains icapt into the cupboard contrary to his will, and swore that he would not come from thence, unless that he had a whole candle which he had espied in the furthest corner, which I neither would, neither durst do without your consent, and therefore did I think it very fit that he should abide your coming, and now it is in your choice to bestow upon him, or not, and therewith unlocking the doors, seely Raikebaines was scarcely able to crawl forth, his joints were so stiffened and benumbed with cold. Sir Thomas somewhat to ease his extremities bestowed upon him a couple of candles, and liberally rewarded Dobson with a bob upon the mouth, insomuch as the blood followed his fist, and that done, attiring himself in his robes, he went forward to do his service in the Chancel, leaving Dobson and Raikebaines further to decide the case betwixt themselves at the candle cupboard.   

How Dobson revenged himself upon his uncle. Chap. 6.  
DObson was much discontented for the blow given unto him by his uncle, yet considering how well he had deserved the same, in regard of the injury done to his friend, he reconciled himself again to Raikebans, with promise, that if he would forget that discourtesy, he never more would wrong, injury, or disgrace him, but patronize his cause against all opponants of what sort soever, in which he kept touch with him as by the usage of sir William the Usher appeared. Raikebanes being of a gentle and good nature easily pardoned the offence, and joining hands, they protested to continue perfect Friends each to other during their lives, and so returned to the School well satisfied, where Dobson sat all the day oppressed with melancholy, casting his thoughts up and down, how to come clear with his Uncle, but he could not apprehend any occasion in the world as then: yet gave he not over to expect, or urge some fit opportunity of revenge, and after diverse purposes which miss him, in the end he thus resolved. At the Uncle of S. Giles, his Uncle had a very fair Orchard, in which every year he had growing great abundance of goodly and pleasant fruits, for which he was so careful, that always nigh unto the time of their ripening, he hired sometimes one, sometimes two fellows to watch his Orchards in the night season, and to defend his fruits from stealing. Dobson having a goodwill to ease his stomach upon his Uncle, agreed with certain of his merry acquaintances, one night in Apple-time to enter the Orchard, and from thence to convey such fruit as possibly they were able to bear, promising to assist them himself, entreating them if they were molested, to beat well and sound the Keepers thereof, and to use his Uncle as he would devise, if he came to their succours: him (saith he) when you have gagged, and bound the two Keepers so surely that they cannot move, or do you any encumbrance, I would have you to put into a sack, binding first his hands and feet, and permitting only his head to appear lest he should be smothered, gagging him likewise lest he cry, and be redeemed of his neighbours, then in some place of the orchard where the trees be thickest, I wish to have him trussed up by the heels, where let him hang till he wax more tender, for he is old and too tough for the spit: And for myself, I purpose that time to be absent from the house, because you shall not be hindered by me, nor interrapted: but be sure that you bind not my Uncle too hard, neither yet give any great blows, but with as much facility as you can, bind as I have instrncted you, wherein, if you shall accomplish my desire, I shall think myself both bounden unto you for helping me so be revenged, and also I shallbe willing to repay your kindness, when any occasion thereof is ministered.  
They willed him to take no further thought, than only to devise a mean for his own absenting, and they would perform all the rest as he had directed, the next Wednesday night ensuing. Dobson thanked them, and upon Wednesday he entreated his Uncle to licence him to go see his father and other friends in the country: For Uncle (saith he) I have not been there now the space of these ten years, and I am very desirous to visit them, and for two days to be merry amongst them, unto which his desire, his uncle condescended: and Dobson (seeming to him to go to his father) passed no further than into the Town, to forward these fellows in the execution of their intended stratagem, he went therefore first unto a Carpenter's shop, and caused a horse of wood to be made, with a sword, dagger, and distaff of the same, all the which he got planted in a gorgeous manner, and bringing them to his companions upon wednesday at night; he goeth with them to the utter side of the orchard, where taking down two pale boards, which he before had loosened, they made themselves a way to enter. They, so soon as they were within, begaune to lay a good amongst the Apple trees, making a great rushing and noise, of purpose: the keepers came to know their intents, and to bring them before sir Thomas, but the conflict was unequal, for they were fire against two: yet being sturdy fellows, of a good stomach, and standing upon the justness of their quarrel, encountered them all very lustily, until the one of them was beaten down to the ground, and the other being overmatched, fled into the Vicarage, and told sir Thomas how the case did stand. At the hearing whereof, he arose in great haste, calling up also his housekéeper, willing her to follow after him with the broach, and to kill the first with whom she encountered: for, saith he, this night's work shall be memorable in Dunholme, while there is one stone thereof standing. And fearing lest he should not be well happened with blows, casting his gown loosely about his shoulders, forth he marched, and the old beldame his sister with a broach, and the keeper of the Orchard with a portigan. But while sir Thomas was making himself ready for the fight within, the thieves had chained the other fellow whom before they had beaten down, and also had gagged him so well, that he could not cry, and were expecting close by the doors, when sir Thomas would sally forth, they tripped his heels at unawares, being nearer at hand than he looked for, and muffled him in his gown, until they had made him ready for the sack: Then taking his gown they put it upon his sister, and tying her hands behind her, they set her upon the wooden horse, as Dobson had prescribed, and bound her téete under his belly, which done, they gird her about with the painted sword and dagger, setting upon her head a paper hat with a bush of peacock feathers eavaliere like, ready to challenge every man to the combat, and in this gnise they placed her under a pear srée. Sir Thomas did they thrust into a sack, and by his nephew's advise, who fearing that so long hanging by the héetes, as till the next morrow, might procure him some infirmity, they reared him into the same pear tree above his sister, and making for him a chair of estate of the boughs, they bound in the one haud the distaff, and in his other, a skimmerand spreading his arms, they fastened him by the wrists unto the branches that were next him. While some of them were thus in hand with sir Thomas, and his housekeeper, the other took the twowarders, and bound and gagged them as is aforesaid: they fastened their hands about a appletrée, turning their hose down beneath their knees, so as their buttocks were set naked to the tree, fastening them to the trunk below. Besides the gagges, they put into either of their mouths, a bunch of May, and a pricking Thorn: and before them they heaped a bundle of bavine, and other dry wood in form of a fire, and the broach hung full of apples as it were to be roasted. Then taking so much fruit as them liked, they departed home, leaving sir Thomas and his servitors to keep the watch.  
Dobson very timely in the morning repaired to the vicarage, and knowing his uncles necessity, he passed thorough the house into the orchard, to take a view of his devices: and when he came unto the pear tree wherein his uncle was enthronized, he called up to him, in sorrowful manner wring his hands, and as it would be, wrested forth some small number of tears. But his uncle sat as a man who had perished the use of his tongue, for speak he could not, in regard of his gag, neither could he move, or make any sign, they had so straightened all his joints. His Aunt also buckled upon her prancing courser in martial manner, like Bellona goddess of battle, sat daring Mars and all his chivalry: and the two keepers in their disguises, like Tantalus, stood gaping, as though they would have catched the apples off from the broach, but could not reach them. Dobson to persuade his uncle that he was ignorant of this practice, ran howling up and down the orchard, as it were, affrighted with this lamentable sight, and from thence into the streets, calling the neighbours all about to come to his assistance. The people upon his outery flocked in heaps into the orchard, to see what the matter was, much lamenting sir Thomas his evil chance, the rather, for that it was done so privately, as that they had no intelligence, either to have prevented, or to have redressed his wrongs. But it was no time then to debate the matter, his present case required more their helping hands, to unbind him, than their advise how an other time to prevent the like misfortune: So some bringing a ladder, scaled up the tree where he sa●e, and unbinding his arms, they brought him down so tenderly as they could in blankets, fearing, because he could not speak, that with extremity of cold, he was fallen into some swooning palsy: and being in some hope, that by warmness he might be brought to his senses again, they carried him into the house, and placed him in his bed, forth of the which he stirred not for the space of three days, neither all that time could he speak one word, either receive any meat, but only such liquid sirropes as his keeper powered into him with spoons: The Physicians were in some doubt of his recovery of health, for which Dobson was unfeignedly sorrowful, and repented that ever he devised such a stratagem. His Awnt was sick for a twelvemonth after: But the two young fellows whose spirits were more quick and lively, after they had been set before the fire, and lapped well in warm clothes, began to recover themselves. And as they perceived their tongues able to move, they unfolded all the case as if came to pass. The neighbours very pensive for their Curates mischance, diligently attended about him, till he was able to do for himself. And Dobson sent for his mother, to take charge of the house, during the time of his infirmity. But sir Thomas, whether that he merrily conceived, or otherwise was certainly informed, that Dobson was the plotter of this devise in all after times, took such exceptions against him, as that no action of his was grateful or acceptable in his sight, where at Dobson more storming than before, as opportunity sorted to his designments, he repaid all his uncles discountenances with measurable disgraces; yet keeping a more moderate course, and giving respect that he did no more hazard his uncles life and welfare.   

How Dobson caused his uncles horse to be impownded, because he denied to let him go with him into the Country. Chap. 7.  
WHen sir Thomas was perfectly recovered of his ague, he was invited by diverse of his friends into the country, to pass away some part of the summer, persuading him that the fresh air was both comfortable and wholesome after his so long sickness: and it was about the Whitsuntide, when the country people having affections to be merry, Dobson requested his uncle to grant him leave to accompany him, and to steed him in place of a servingman: but sir Thomas thinking it a thing inconvenient, to commit the whole care of his house to his sister alone, who was an old decrepit creature, not able to move herself without a staff, much less unfit to make resistance, if any knowing their absence should break into the house, and offer to spoil him of his stuff and treasure. Again, he supposed Dobson made such request, only to neglect and commit some knavery there, whereby to make himself as famous in the country, as he was memorable in the city. And therefore these particulars considered, he denied to let him have his desire. Dobson said nothing, but showed himself well appeased, yet he intended to abridge his uncle as much of his pleasure as he had done him of his. And at the very time his uncle was to set forward with his progress, one of those good fellows, who had favoured him in the breaking of the Orchard, was sent for into Northumberland to his mother, who lay at the point of death, and desired to speak with him before she passed this life. And he both loath to take so great a journey on foot, and not having a horse of his own, could not tell how (so presently) to speed himself of one, as these his importunities and haste required; he acquainted Dobson with his want, and entreated him amongst his friends, for that time, to further him, and he would pleasure him as much, if so his errand came in his way. Dobson told him, that in the town (upon so short warning) he could not procure him any, unless, quoth he, I might make bold with my uncles gelding, which if thou couldst return before to morrow morning, I could then supply thy necessity, and otherwise I should disappoint himself, for he is to ride into the country, to take the air after his long sickness, and to feast it amongst his friends. O good Dobson, said his acquaintance, hazard a little to pleasure me, and in any thing thou shalt command me, though the execution thereof should stand with the expense of my blood and life, yet will I not refuse to adventure for thy life, fame, and reputation: for if my mother should be departed before my coming, I shall be utterly undone, and great is the loss that may redound to me thereby. To morrow at night, at the utmost, I will send him back, and if so long he will not defer his journey: He is not of such slender acquaintance, neither so ill be●oued, but that he may have choice amongst his parishioners and neighbours.  
Dobson of all other things detesting ingratitude, and not to seem unmindful of pleasures received, or careless in requital of good offices, willed him to provide himself of furniture requisite, and he promised to afford him a horse forthwith, conditionally that whensoever thou bringest him back, thou shalt leave him somewhere in the pound within three miles of the City, charging the Pinner to proclaim the next market day, that so my uncle may come to hear of h●m again: and will him also to take, not only an ordinary fee, but also for his pasture for so many days as thou hast him in travel, and so if thou wilt stay a week▪ I shall licence thee. His friend much, and heartily thanked him, protesting never to fail in whatsoever he could, by any of his endeavours to do him benefit, and receiving the gelding at the place appointed betwixt them, held on his journey with a gladsome cheer for this favour of his friend, and left sir Thomas, either to borrow upon his neighbours, or to stay at home, or like a stout fellow to step upon his stumps. The same night after supper was ended, sir Thomas willed Dobson to warn his tenant that looked to his said gelding, and such other beasts as he had grazing a mile distant from the town, to take him into the stables that night, to the end he might have him in readiness to be gone betimes the next morning, for he purposed to dine ten miles from the City. Dobson went presently and delivered his message, and sent the fellow to the fields, who sought him all that night, and the next day, in every pasture, field, and town within five miles' circuit, but could hear nothing of the horse. Sir Thomas weening him as ready now as at other times, got him to bed that night somewhat soon, to the end he might be stirring more early the next morrow: in which so soon as the day appeared, he arose and made himself fit for his journey, he put on his holiday apparel, his boots and spurs, called for his breakfast, and never asked for his horse, until he had ordered all things in the house, desiring his sister friendly to entertain all such his neighbours and acquaintaunces as should come to visit her during his tarriance in the Country: charging Dobson to be diligent in the accomplishment of all her commandments, and to abstain from all kind of disorders till his return, to give good respect to all things about the house, and at his chamber in the Fratery: and so kissing his sister for a farewell (after the manner of the Country) he willed Dobson to bring him his horse to the doors. Dobson returning from the stables, came and told his uncle, that his man had not brought him as yet from the fields, as he supposed, for upon hooks were hanging his bridle and saddle, but he could see no horse. Sir Thomas chafed at the fellow his tenant, and sent Dobson to his house to know the cause why he was not yet come. The wife told him that she had not seen him since his being there, when he without further delay went to fetch him: and because he came not home to his bed, I judged my Master had sent him abroad for the dispatch of some other of his businesses, so that if he be not with you, for my life I cannot certify what is become of him. Dobson carried back her answer; which answer sir Thomas hearing, he knew not what to imagine, but straight he imagined his horse to be stolen, and so affirmed. O God forbid, said Dobson, my hope is, that he is only strayed forth into some of our neighbours grounds, or else is some where in the pound. If so, said his uncle, than the fellow would have got some notice of him before this time: and so perhaps, good uncle, he will be here with him shortly. In which hope sir Thomas kept on his boots all that day till night, when home came the fellow without the horse, neither could tell any news of him. ●ir Thomas feared he had been stolen, and for the very sorrow thereof, he stayed his journey for that time, and sent his man to every coast of the Country, to inquire after him: but all his labour was in vain, until the return of the party, to whom Dobson had lent him, who observing Dobsons' prescript, left him in the pound, at Chester in the street, charging the Pindar to take his accustomed fees, and for a weeks pasture more, when he should be sent for by the owner. The Pindar very glad of so good a pledge, caused proclamation to be made in Dunholme the next morrow after that he was left with him. Some one of his neighbours that was present thereat, gave sir Thomas to understand thereof, who by the description knew him to be his. He sent for him immediately, and gave the Pindar his whole demand with all his heart, rejoicing to have got his gelding again; which he verily supposed had been stolen.   

How Dobson brewed Ale for his uncle. Chap. 8.  
DObson yet hardly brooking his uncles discourtesy, and perceiving him to be daily, estranged, having got the reins into his hands, did grow carelesie more liberally run at large, and never took up with himself, until he had thrust his neck into the halter, when if his uncle had not stood his very good friend, he had bid his kinsfolks all adieu with his heels, and had danced his last measures upon the gallows: but fearing no such matter as then, neither imagining to be so much needful of his kindness, he spared not to play the fool with him, who afterward proved his best friend: neither did he think himself sufficiently satisfied with the abuse he had already offered, but ever as he could catch an accurrence to do him further grief, he put to execution the same forthwith. His uncle to recompense his neighbours careful respect of him in his sickness, invited them to a Friday nights drinking, letting them to understand, that whereas they were sorry for his late misfortune, as well appeared by their care and pains taken about him during the time of his infirmity, which their gratitude and kindness commixed with compassion, though he were not of power in equal measure able to satisfy, & according to their well deservings, yet his willingness should never be wanting, to afford so much as his estate and ability permitted: and therefore praying them to pardon his insufficiency, and to accept of his good will, he wished he might be so bold as to entreat them to take a cup of Ale with him, and an apple, the Friday at night following, which he promised should be of the best to be had in Dunholme. They excusing their negligence, told him they were ashamed that they did no better steed him, when his necessity so required, but they could do no more but sorrow for their defect: and for such troublesome guests as they should be, they told him that he needed not to fear to want▪ He greatly contented with the grateful acceptance of his simple offer, bespoke his Hostess to send to his chamber half a dozen gallons of her best Ale, which she did according to his appointment. He further commanded his housekéeper to bestow it in some safe place, where none might have access to trouble it, until it were clear and fined: which she did (as she imagined) yet Dobson had a shift to deceive her, aswell as to set his uncles geldings in the fold. So, upon the Thursday at afternoon before his uncles guests were to come, he and his fellow scholars having liberty to dispend the day at their choice, & were dismissed of all school exercises, he willing to make them a banquet, carried such as he specially favoured with him to the Vicarage, where preventing his uncles guests, he made the most part of them drunk as Rats. When he had placed them all so near to the house as he thought convenient, he came to his Aunt, and told her that Sir Thomas was come to the Church, to see if the Organs were in tune, for the next Sunday they were to be used: and because he would not altogether rely on his own judgement therein, he had brought with him half a dozen of his familiars, to help to reform them, if need so required, to whom, in regard of their pains, he had promised a cup of his Ale; and therefore willed her to tap it, and to send him a Jack thereof to the Church. She believing this his tale to be true, gave to him the key of the house where it was kept, desiring him to broach it, in respect her sight was so imperfect, that she could not well discern what she did. Dobson glad of his commission, extended this authority, played the bountiful Butler, and did draw forth into tankards (which he of purpose had provided) more than half his uncles Ale: yet because he was loath that his uncle should want of his measure, he filled up the barrel with water which he found there standing in pails: and surrendering again the key to the custody of his Aunt, away he went (as she wéened) to the Church to his Uncle, but in very deed he returned to his companions, where he had left them shooting in the meadows, who laughing at Dobsons' deceiving of his Aunt, drunk healths soliberally one to another, as not one of them was able to go home, but as Dobson conducted them. The next night ensuing the guests came according to their promise, whom Sir Thomas welcomed with many fair and courteous speeches, much thanking them, that they would vouchsafe to assemble to his poor lodging, and accept of such a poor pittance as he had provided, which he said was a roasted apple and a cup of Ale, which I dare pawn you my word is the best in Dunholme: and while the apples were at the fire, he willed his housekéeper to fill a glass thereof, that they might taste it, and suspend their verdicts how they liked it: his very conceit served to make it good enough in his judgement, so that when he tasted, he could not perceive the commixture: but commending it for singular good, gave it to him who sat next, willing him to drink well thereof, for he was very welcome to it: but he espying it pale in the glass, feared that it was not such as Sir Thomas commended it to be, yet notwithstanding he kiked the cup, and reached to another, and so it went through them all, and yet the better half remained undrunke.  
Sir. Thomas marveling to see them leave so little in the glass, asked them how they liked the same, for it seemeth by your drinking that it is not such as you looked for: indeed (said they) it might be made good again, with brewing over again, but we have drunk much better in our lives than it is now, and seldom worse. Whereupon sir Thomas half ashamed so rashly to have praised it, and in great chaife against his Hostess, took the glass and tasted it again, an● drinking the remainder he swore, that it was more than half water, and asked his housekeeper how it came to pass▪ what (saith she) do you mislike it now, and could find no salt with it yesterday? was it good then, and naughty to night? Yesterday (said he) I never tasted it before this present, and how could I then give judgement of the good or bad quality thereof? No, (said his sister) did not you send our nephew to me yesterday, with commandment to broach it, and to send you a tankard of the same to the Church? never I (quoth sir Thomas) in all my life: why then (said she) he hath deceived me, for such message he brought, and I trusted him and let him to take what he would; for he assured me, that it was for yourself, and your friends with you. Dobson hearing this sedule of his Aunt, stole forth into a place where the Hens sit upon a fleake, whither he ascended, pulling up the ladder after him, that no man could come to him but by his permission: his Uncle upon this relation of his sister, called and sought for Dobson in every corner of the house, but he would make no answer; until at the last sir Thomas hearing a rushing upon the fleake, espied his cock sitting amongst his hens: and after he had thundered forth some threatening speeches, he commanded him to descend, not so (good Uncle, saith he) unless you will first swear that you will pardon me, I telling you the truth of the matter, and otherwise, rather than I will sustain your rigorous punishment, I will throw myself headlong from hence, and will take it upon my death, that the very fear of your severity hath urged me so to do, answer you the law as you can. The neighbours entreated sir Thomas to remit to him that fault, and to be pacified, offering all to pass their words, that he should never more in such sort offend him: he afraid that the violent fellow would do himself some injury, at their important suits pardoned him, upon condition that he would bewray the truth, which he did, and came down from the fleake, and to make his Uncle, some kind of satisfaction, he went into the town and fetched some better Ale, wherewithal he intended to entertain his honest friends, and loving neighbours all.   

How Dobson furnished himself of a suit of apparel: and how he used his Schoolfellow. Chap. 9  
SIR Thomas, notwithstanding that he pardoned his nephew at the instance of his neighbours, and accepted of his submission for the time, yet seeing him to grow so absolute in knavery, he purposed to hold his nose to the grindstone, and to keep him at hard meat, he spared his purse, and made him go thinly appareled, and scarcely sometimes did he allow whole clothes, but forced him to wear his old rags for want of new, till they hung in totters about his tail. But Dobson to remedy this necessity, enroled his uncles name in the Draper's book, for a suit and a cloak, which his uncle was constrained to discharge for his credit sake. But to prevent him of that mean, he went thorough the City amongst all the Clothiers and Millioners, warning them no further to credit him, unless he bought it with ready money, the which he shall always have, if he be sent from me: and whosoever shall let him have any upon credit, must be glad to stand to his own peril, for i'll not be answerable for any halfpenny thereof from hence forward. The merchants thereupon would no more register Dobsons' name, not so much as for a pair of garters, which put him (poor man) into great discontent, and what shift to make for garments, when these were gone, he could not devise: to ask for any of his uncle he dared not, and he was debarred of his former project, by the which he supposed to have ever, as he had needed, to supply that indigence. He must then take some other course, and for once he fell to stealing, taking away a song made by one of his fellows, which for the exquisite music therein showed, was highly commended of the whole queer. This he purloining carried into the Country to his uncle Pharaoh's howl, who had divers sons and daughters that could sing, of whose knowledge in that Are his uncle was not a little proud. Dobson therefore to applaud his uncles humour, presented him this Song, telling him how himself had made the same: and he, because it was well liked of, and allowed for good consort, that he thought it nowhere better bestowed than upon my cousins your daughters. Master Pharoe thanked him, and promised to recompense his good will: But first he called his daughters to sing it over, who with their sweet and tunable voices much moved their father's affection; themselves also were so much in love with the descant, that they requested only to have it set in their books: but Dobson more liberal than they looked to have found him, freely bestowed it among them, with this applause; Good cousins, if this be pleasing unto you, I will afford you hereafter more plenty of better stuff, this is but the simple invention of my own rude brain, and not worthy of half this commendation: but such as it is, yours it is with all my heart, and I think myself in your debt for your kind acceptance thereof. His cousins thanked him again, and beseeched their father to be bounteous towards him. He to satisfy Dobsons' expectation, and to gratify his daughter's request, clothed his kinsman Dobson in a new suit, whereof he being heartily glad, did profess to his uncle and cousins to be always at their command and service, and so returned to Dunholme in that case, where he kept as much swaggering as before.  
His uncle sir Thomas marveled whence he had such a gallant suit, and who had been so liberal toward him, desired to be informed. It is no matter, said Dobson, (good uncle) since that now I have them, you may conjecture that I have compassed them by my wits, and if you think I have not got them by begging, imagine they are stolen. Sir Thomas thinking it fit no further to urge him, suffered the matter to pass without any further question. At the same instant, a young Gentleman, a fellow scholar of his, had a new suit of the same colour and cloth, and he was of equal make and stature with Dobson, and their backs being towards the beholders, it was a difficulty to discern the one from the other, wherewith Dobson was not well content to be challenged so often for his fellow. To give the people some special note therefore how to distinguish them, he used this mean: In the school was a great flinty stone, upon which in the winter time this young Gentleman was accustomed to sit before the fire: this stone one morning while the other was exercised in writing, and gave no respect unto what was pr●aised, Dobson caused to be made extreme hot, and pretending to have some matter of importance to impart to the Gentleman, he called him to the fire, and made the stone ready for him to sit upon, who neither fearing nor thinking of any kind of harm, satchimselfes down as he was wont, to discourse with Dobson, who propounded a number of extravagant questions where with to occupy his mind, and whereby to expel from his memory, all occasions or motives of rising from his seat, till anon the boy felt an extraordinary heat in his buttocks, yet he sat still, while straight he perceived that they were ready to broil, at the which he started up half astonished, and putting his hand behind him, to feel if his breeches were not fired: and he perceived the greatest part of them to be burned forth, and a great open to pass thorough cloth, linings, and shirt, even to his naked skin. The Boy quaked and trembled, being sore amazed with the chance, as not conceiving how it came to pass. Dobson and his complices sported themselves at the boys mishap, and the most of Dobsons' familiars in the Town, to whom notice was given thereof, made themselves merry with the boy as he passed before them in the streets, from the School to his Inns, and he was glad to get a patch set upon the broken place, by which, ever after, he was known from Dobson.   

¶ How Dobson took upon him a Gentleman's estate: and how he caused the Alewife of Wittan to come before the Commissary. Chap. 10  
IT hath been a custom of old, and is yet to this day in the Schools of Dunholme, for three Scholars every Saturday to be marshaled forth to the woods in the country, to provide birchen rods for the correction of the disordered and negligent: and observing a certain order therein, it passed quite thorough the whole number of scholars every half year. Once Dobson in the winter season, when the weather in those parts is commonly stormy, and the air piercing, had always a shift to thrust another forward, and to keep himself at home: mary in summer, when it seemed a healthful recreation, it pleased him to keep his own turn and others too, in lieu of the pains they had taken for him in the colder time of the year. Concerning then a desire to notify his fame among the country men and swains of the villages, one time when he was appointed in the hinder end of the month of May, to accompany Rakebaine and Talifere to the birch woods, he decreed with them to commit some famous jest, for which to make himself memorable. In Witton jilbert, for thither they were to go for such rubbish as they wanted, and conferring with them of the matter upon the Friday at night before, they concluded, that he should take upon him the state of a Gentleman, and that they two should attend him as servitors, and respectively reverence him as their Master: determining further, that they would banquet with some good wife for a mess of cream before they returned; & so examining their purses, their whole stock amounted but to only three pence, which they thought was a great deal too little, and far insufficient to discharge their shot, they having an intention to spend royally. But Dobson to animate them forward, willed them to refer the matter to himself, and they should see that he would take such course, as that he would make it serve well enough with the help of his countenance: Therefore james (saith he) thou must afford me thy best suit of apparel, thy cloak and rapier, to attire me withal, that there may be some difference, and that the people may more easily conceive my gentility: and for you, I will borrow two liveries, and two swords, and see that you play the servingmen in form. When I call or speak to you, forget not to stand with your heads uncovered: or if I stand to piss, you must also stand bare at my back, after our English fashion. You must worship, and good worship me at every word: to wit, you must take occasion to inform me of somewhat to be done, and then you must frame your speech in this form: And it please your good Worship, your Worship's Father willed me to put you in mind of a speedy return, desiring your Worship to remember his business, etc. And if any ask you what I am, you shall answer, that I am son to Master Chancellor of Dunholme. And be careful, that in no phrase of speech, gesture or carriage, that you show yourselves familiar, but attend me with all submission and reverence. And you executing these instructions, shall see that I will procure us indeleable respect amongst the vulgar sort, and all the towns and villages near about, shall have cause to speak of Master chancellors son and his men. And having thus received their lesson, away they go the Saturday morning toward Witton jilbert, Dobson in Rakebaines apparel, cloak and rapier, and his companions in such old liveries as he had borrowed amongst the prebend's, with two ill favoured swords girt to their sides. As they passed along they were met by many multitudes of market folks, whom that Dobson might stir them to conceive of his gentility, took many occasions to talk with his men: sometimes he would stand still, other sometimes he would hold forth right, at other times also he would suddenly turn him about, at every which occasion they capped and kneeled in humble and debonair manner: divers simple people wondered who it should be: some said certainly he is son to some great parsonage, and hath been brought up in civil places, for in all our lives we have not seen a man so much reverenced by his servants. Others beholding the carriage of his attendants, at their meeting of him, would also cap, kneel, and bid good morrow to his Worship: and this course of compliments they continued from Dunholme, while they came to Witton, which by computation is four miles. When he came into the town, he asked where he might have same victuals sor himself and his men: An Alehouse was presently showed unto him, into which he entered, called to the goodwife to make a breakfast ready for him and his men: she demanded what it would please his good Worship to have prepared: He answered, that he would have some new cakes, cream, butter, and such other things as she could afford: all which she set upon the table before him incontinent. Master chancellors son and his men fell to their victuals afresh, their stomachs were pretty good, and they quickly made rid of this provision, and asked their Hostess what they had to pay: two pence a man (said she) and your Worship is heartily welcome. Alas good woman, that is but six pence in the whole: No more, and it please your Worship will I have at this time for so slender fare (said the good wife:) Why then (said Master Dobson) turn the cloth again, we will make her amends: so he called for more Ale, which she brought of a nut brown colour, as good as needed to be drunk, with great store of new cakes, cream, and custard, cheese also with apples and nuts, she placed on the table again: of all which they took so much as they thought good, and willed her to remove the residue: then they desired again to know their shot for altogether: she told them, that for the whole they must pay twenty pence. What, said Master Dobson, (having but three pence to defray all) was it now but six pence, and wilt thou make this last, being much worse, treble the first? Nay gog's heart, I will teach thee a trick for that. Good sir (said the woman) I cannot well have less, if I should be a saver by you, and I trust you do not wish my loss. No (saith Master Dobsen) neither yet shalt thou make a fool of me and so cousin me. But I pray tell me one thing, have you a licence to keep an alehouse? Yea sir that I have, and under master chancellors own hand and seal: Why and he is my father, said M. Dobson: but seeing thou hast no better a conscience than thus to extort men, I will have it disallowed, and therefore I do charge thee, as thou wilt answer the contrary, at thy peril, that upon Friday next thou make thy appearance before my father in the Chancery, where I will see how thou canst answer this irreligious dealing, and also have thy licence surveyed, that if there can be any advantage at all taken thereat, I will have it defaced, and thyself punished, as thou dost deserve. The poor woman starved with fear upon this hard sentence pronounced, fell prostrate at his feet, beseeching him to pardon her, for that she had not used him as his worshipful calling required: but the fault was in her ignorance of his person and worth. She also prayed him to be favourable unto her, and to take compassion of her miserable estate, for she was mother of five small children, and had not where with all for to maintain them, besides that poor trade, and her husbands handy labour, and for that shot she was content with all her very heart to remit it, and that he should command, not only then, but at all other times, whatsoever was within her poor house that in any respect might do him pleasure. Well (saicty he) I scorn to offer injury, to either thee, or to any of my inferiors: but, as I will not harm them, so they shall not abuse me. And as for the shot I will defray it every farthing: but fail not thou to come before my father, as I have prescribed, when I will have you better instructed what appertaineth to your trade, than I conjecture you do understand. And so go fill your shot pot, and you shall have your money. The goodwife quaking every bone, went to her caller for more ale, but in the mean time Master Chancellors son leaving only three pence upon the Table for the whole discharge, conveyed himself and his men forth of the house, and closely stole into the woods, where every man loading himself with burch, in the éevening they returned to the city by a secret and private passage. The goodwife, after they were gone, was forced to content herself with what they had left, not knowing how to recover the residue: and careful she remained all the week after, for her appearance to be made before Master Chancellor. She related to her husband at night what accident she had that morning, his fear was double hers, and he chafed and chid her apace, and had wel-nie beaten her, for demanding so much, and for that she had no better respected him: for now (saith he) hast thou, through thy covetousness, undone us all for ever: for if thy licence be taken from thee, as by likelihood it must needs, we may all go beg, and so daunted was he with the news that he could not tell how to advise her. But going to the Church the morrow after, he asked Master Vicar and all his neighbour's counsel, desiring them to direct him what was best to be done in this matter. They, to see their neighbour in such a difficulty, laid their heads together, and concluded, that his wife should go and let her licence be seen, and that she also should make rehearsal of all that which had passed betwixt her and them, omitting no circumstance. And we (said they) will all join in petition to Master Chancellor, to permit her to practice her trade, which petition Master Vicar presently framed, and they confirmed, by subscribing thereto their names, and delivering it to their neighbour. And that they might bring into some comfort whom they see clean out of heart with the fears he conceived hereupon, they chéered him with many fair speeches, promising, that he should not fall, if their helps could sustain or prop him up. After dinner, the better to encourage him, they all came to drink at his house, and to repair the damage which she his wife had received by Master Dobson. And so plentifully master Vicar, and the goodfellows of his parish took their cups, that not a man amongst them, but that he received a wound in his head, and for Master vicar, he was not able for that night read his Service, but perceiving himself hurt, he requested his hostess to fit him of a bed, for that night, whereunto she most willingly assented. But this rested until friday morning, when up arose the Alewife betimes, put on her fairest smock, petticoat of good broad red, her gown of grey, faced with buckram, her square thrumd hat, and before her she hung a clean white apron, and putting her petition into the box, with her licence, she takes her way to Dunholme, there to attend her calling in, to answer before Master Chancellor, but there she stayed all the fore noon, expecting when Master Dobson would bring her to her appearance, much marveling that no man did acknowledge her, neither question with her as concerning her business. She had special care to espy Master Chancellors son in the throng, and not able to fix her eyes upon him, she supposed that he was not accustomed to come abroad so early, albeit she attended there before the Chancery office door, from half an hour past seven in the morning, until almost twelve, when the Court rose and went to dinner: she earnestly desired to have a dispatch, but how to effect her desire she could not devise, for she was unknown to all, and they in like sort were all strangers to her, and Master Dobson had forgotten the strict charge he imposed upon her the saturday aforegoing, neither sought he to exhibit any Bill of Complaint against her. She seeing no person to respect her, albeit she was in a labyrinth of conceits, sometimes of retiring, otherwhile of staying till she might see the uttermost: she also thought it convenient to take a little meat in the Town at a kinsman's house of hers there dwelling, to whom she revealed her whole case, and requested his counsel: He thought it fit that she should attend a little further, to see if she were inquired after, which if you be not cousin (said he) I will make means myself to Master Chancellor that you may be dispatched and so depart home. At one of the clock when the Court was to sit again, he came along with her toward the Chancery. Master Dobson sitting in an old freeze gown before the north gate of the Cathedral, espied his Hostess, and remembering himself, that it was friday, imagined, without further discourse, the cause of her being there: and being ashamed to present himself into her sight, he closely conveyed himself from her view, yet thought he good to ride her once again like a country jade, and thereupon he went to one of the Clerks of the Chancery, and acquainted him with the whole matter, desiring him to take some course for the ending of her business, and to set her packing: for during her abode in the Town, I shall be constrained (said he) like the fox, to keep my hole. The Clerk promised to order the matter wellenough, but he either forgetting himself, or troubled with so much other business, that he could not regard it, suffered her to stay until three of the clock uncalled for. Whereat her cousin, grieved with her attendance, boldly stepped into the Chancery, told Master Chancellor her case, and desired his good worship, that forth of his accustomed clemency he would let her come to her answer, that she might know what she were to trust unto. The Chancellor hearing such reports to his sons disgrace, in public court, was greatly offended therewith, and caused her to be brought in, and demanded of her if she would justify those things, or not. Yea, quoth she, I will be deposed that all these reports of my cousin be most true, and in witness thereof, here are the hands and names of our Curate, and principal men of our parish. Well quoth Master Chauncollour, Thou naughty woman, I will have thee made an example to all the world for slandering my son with so much untruth: for the very day before thou reportest this act to be done, I sent him to York about important business of mine own, and the Churches, and as yet he is not returned, neither, if he had been at home shouldest thou make me to believe that he would have so much abused himself. O good Master chancellor (said she) for the pity of almighty God, read my testimonial, and you shall know thereby, that I have spoke nothing but the plain truth, which if it appear not to be so, then spare no punishment. He, although he rested assured of his sons innocency, yet because the simpleness of the woman persuaded him that she could not contrive it, and also seeing her so earnestly to insist upon the verification thereof, he conceived that some had done her injury, and fathered the matter upon his son: he therefore took her petition, and read it openly, which contained thus much in effect.  
Humbly beseecheth your good worship, father Chancellor, you daily Orators, the Vicar and parishioners of Wittan jilbert, in the behalf of this poor woman, our common Hostess of the same Town and Parish, that whereas, upon the five and twentieth day of May instant, your worship's sonite and sole heir, accompanied with two men only, repaired to the house of our said Hostess, and there calling for Ale, Cakes, Cream, Curds, Custard, Cheese, Apples and Nuts, had all the same things afforded in plentiful manner by our said Hostess: whereof although but three in number, and also pretending themselves gentlemen, they ate so much as would have sufficed six stal-worth men, as with us are set to plough and wain, and when our hostess did demand of them (as right would she should) but a reasonable recompense, and much less than they had taken of hers, they quarreled with her, and like cozoning fellows (if not your worship's son and servants) they théevishly departed, leaving all undischarged except three pence, which they shamefully left on the table behind them, whilst she was gone to fill their shot-pot, having before threatened her to have her licence disallowed, and upon this day enjoined her to make her appearance before your worship in this Court, and there to have her licence surveyed, which we beseech you to confirm, and ratify, for she is the best Hostess that ever must be in Wittan jilbert, and better Ale is nowhere brewed than she doth make; for one pot thereof taken in the morning, keepeth the heart warm all the day after: In your great charity therefore we humbly petitioning you, as you are a worthy Chancellor, to tender all our cases, and in regard thereof we will acquit and defray all that your son is to her indebted for that days work; We (I say) whose names are here under-set.  

james Nichols Curate of Wittan jilbert.  


Churchwardens.  
William Snathe  
Geffrey Harebotle    


Constables.  
William Lonsdaile  
Matthew Sharpe    
Cum multis aliis quod nunc perscribere longum est.   
The Chancellor and Court laughed along time at the subject of this petition, and understanding the poor wives simplicity by some peevish brain abused, surrendered to her again her licence, which she there had showed, willing her freely to practise her trade: and for she had received wrong under the name of his son, he repaid her with a French crown, willing her also to speak well of the Chancellor and his friends, and assuring her that it was not his son, but some cozoning companions who had used his sons name, to abuse her thereby, dispatched her away. For which courtesy she humbly thanked him on her knees, & hied her home to acquaint her husband and neighbours of her good success: for joy whereof they were all drunk the Sunday ensuing.   

How Dobson stole a goose and Roasted her. Chap. II.  
IN the suburbs of Dunholme, the Monks of the Abbey had a certain house of recreation, in the which every month once, in the summer time, they were assembled to pastime themselves in the orchards walks and gardens, which they had there planted: while their orders continued undissolued: but when they were reform and reduced to a Dean and Chapter, they leased, and let forth all such places to Gentlemen of the Country. This house called the Hallyerds, they farmed to one Monsieur du Pome, a merchant of the city, who for his house provision had always there a house of Poultry. Dobson promised his fellows a feast, albeit he was not always the best provided of money, so about the Michaelmas, when goose flesh cometh into request, he made an errand to the Hallyerds, where such shift he made, as away he brought a goose without note or suspicion, he shrouded it closely under his gown, and lest that either he might be pursued, or the gander should cry and so endanger him of apprehension, he refused the streets, and took his passage alongst the river side to a bridge called Pons Laurentis, which directly carried him into the Abbey. But in the way (as it fortuned) he was met by the owner of the same, who for his pleasure came walking by the same passage to the Hall yerds, to take account of his servants labours, and to see his houses and cattle. The merchant in their meeting espying a substanre of a white colour under his gown, demanded what he had there: Nothing said Dobson, but my Surplice, which I have been fetching from my Laundress, for it is almost Evensong time. That is well done (said the merchant) and making no further question with him, they sundered, the one taking his course to his farm, and the other to the school, where he left his gander until Evensong was ended, when he conveyed him to his old hoast-house at the sign of the Boar, where they got him made fit for the broach. And upon monday morning intending to perform his promised banquet, he provided a broach, and all other things requisite, and caused a fire to be built in a cellar under the School, he set his fellows to work, playing the master Cook himself, he assigned every one of those whom he had acquainted with the matter to a several office. The goose as she began to roast more ripely, savoured so all over the school, that master Bromeley very sensibly perceived the same, and demanded what it should be, or from when ce it came: no man durst bewray the truth, for fear of Dobsons' indignation. But Master Bromeley missing him and divers others, inquired how they had bestowed themselves. Whereunto answer was made, that they were in the lower house. He suspecting that they were about the acting of some roguery, whirred down the stairs, weening to have trapped them, but he found a snecke before his snout, the doors were so strongly bolted against him, that there he might not come but by licence. Using then his authority, he knocked lustily, and commanded Dobson to open the doors, for he would come in to see what they had to do there. Oh no, quoth Dobson, for God's sake come not here sir, for you are not able to endure the stinch of this place, it is so mighty, that it will hazard your strangling: for this last night, in the rain which fell there are come down such a multitude of frogs and other vermin into this house, that no man is able to set foot upon any ground for them: and therefore, lest they should be the cause of any infection in this house, if they should continue until Summer, we have made a fire to burn them, whereof proceeds this terrible stinch which you taste, and from which we pray you to absent yourself. God's blessing have thy heart, quoth master Bromeley, I pray thee leave not one of them alive, and when you have finished your work, let me have intelligence thereof: for until such time as you have dispatched, I will leave the School, and commit the performance of this business to thy care and providence, wherein Dobson promised to be very vigilant and respective, glad to have so easily possessed his master with a false suggestion: and so, when the goose was roasted to their contentment, they ate her all to the bones, Dobson and his best esteemed friends: which being done, they sent to advertise their Master, that he might return at his pleasure, for they had cleared the coast of all these misshapen monsters, and had perfumed the School with burning of frankincense.   

How Dobson devised a holiday, and endangered his fellows a whipping. Chap. 12  
DObson, at eighteen years of age, had so well profited in Music, and in the Latin tongue, that he was supposed fit for the University, whither his uncle had intended to send him so soon as his voice changed. But he desirous to have his name notorious in the School, and to give his fellows often cause to speak of him after his departure, he set down with himself to play one famous jest more among them. And having prepared their affections with this aforesaid solemn banquet, he thought them so confident of his good meaning, that they would never apprehend any sinister conceit of his actions. One morning therefore about Midsummer after the ordinary prayers sung in the Cathedral, they were marching toward the school as at other times. Dobson having forethought thought his purpose, asked them what they intended to do, what other should we do but go to the School? To the School, (quoth Dobson) and it a holiday? that were sport for a Tailor: I believe you cannot make me such a fool. And why answered they, we have heard of no such festival, and if it be any, 'tis more than we do know. Why that may very well be so: but I dare warrant you, that it is holiday, and thereof I am most certain, for otherwise bat Midforths shop would have been open, as upon other working days it is wont to be: or never since my coming to the town have I seen it shut, but upon Sundays and principal feasts, so that I am well persuaded, that it is some special solemmtie this day▪ neither is it to be doubted, but that it hath been proclaimed in the Churches, or at least in the parish of Saint Nicholas, albeit we have not heard thereof, and that he knoweth welenough: for else (without all question) his shop had not been shut in more this day than yesterday. This Bat Midforth was of the Gentle Craft of Translators, and cobbling of boots and shoes he won his livelihoode: every morning was he accustomed to open his shop betimes, singing like the Nightingale, and working apace, if, as Dobson said, it were not holiday, whereof he never violated or broke any one, but observed them all, very devoutly frequenting the church and sermons, at the least two times upon every such day.  
This morning as it fortuned, he was gone into the Country, he and his wife, to visit his wives mother, who laboured of a quotidian fever, and fearing death, had sent for them to be at the making of her last will and testament, as also to see her interred according to her estate and desire. Dobson then finding his shop windows shut up, urged it for a certain testimony to prove thereby a holiday, knowing that a more forcible instance could not have been by him alleged, than that whereof themselves could all be testificants: and thereby he so staggered their understandings, that they could not resolve what to do. Gladly they would have apprehended the occasion of a days liberty, if they could have devised how to have satisfied their Master of this, they knew not what solemn Feast day, but because they could not conceive how that might be inculcate, they passed on still toward the school. Dobson seeing them so forward, turned his back, and bid God speed them well: for as for me you shall go alone, let no man trust me ever while I live, if I come within the school doors this day. They perceiving him to seem offended, told him, that they were as willing as he to accept of the time, if they could be excused at their Master's hands. Leave the dispatch of that matter to me (quoth Dobson) I will be advocate for us all, if you will join with me this day, and convent some good fellows at the Moorehouse, where I have appointed a breakfast, and a match of shooting, I will discharge you of all blame at our masters hands, and thereof be you not afraid. Upon which condition they all agreed t'attend him, which way soever it liked him to go. Well then (s●id he) fet your bows, and walk toward the bellows meed: if I be not there before you, fa●l to shoot till my coming. In the mean time I will attend at the School door till our Master's repair, to whom I will show how it is holiday: which done, I will not be long absent from you, when we will go to the place appointed. Every man allowing this course, fet his artillery, and marched forth of the Abbey, with whom Dobson went along, even until they came almost to the place where he had assigned them to stay: then he returned to inform Master Bromley as he promised of the festival: and making as much haste as possibly he could, to prevent his Masters coming, he took his seat close at the School door, lapped in his gown as he had been a cold. About the hour of eight of the clock Master Bromeley came and bid him good morrow, demanding the cause of his sitting there alone, and why he was not in the School? Sir (saith he) the door is shut, and I cannot tell how to enter, and all the residue of my fellows be gone abroad to shoot, and would have had me to accompany them, affirming it to be holiday: But because I could not tell what festival it should be, neither have heard that it was so published in any Church of the Town, I dared not presume to go with them: partly, because I feared your offence, and partly, because I could not imagine what holiday it should be, for I espy all sorts of Citizens and Artisans in their shops, as upon working days: yet notwithstanding all the reasons I produced to overthrow such their opinion, I could not persuade them to stay till your pleasure therein were known. But laughing at my timors, away they went globating to the fields. Master Bromeley first examining the day and time of the year, lest haply it might be some Apostles or other Saint's day: that either by the prescript of the Church, or the general custom of the Country, was to be kept holy, could not call to his remembrance that it was any such: and therefore he gave Dobson in commission, to go and command them all to repair to the School: with which his charge he departed, leaving his Master to walk his stations before the portal. When he came to the place where they were earnestly shooting: Gentles (said he) I am come from our Master, to entreat your helps a little. There are divers Gentlemen of good sort yesternight come from London, who are traveling toward Berwick: and they have sought forth our Master this morning betimes, desiring to see our School, and the number of scholars, requesting also that we may give them a song: and have brought themselves diversity of descant, lately set forth by Master Bird Doctor of our Arte. Our Master did know it to be holiday before I told him, and therefore was much solicited how to get us assembled together because of the same. That he might gratify the strangers desires, and for joy that I was so nigh at hand, he hath promised us another day of recreation, when we shall think fit to call for the same. They taking all his sentences for Oracles, without further delay, in hope of their masters future favour, and some reward of the Gentlemen, hurled homeward in heaps, bestowing their artillery to the custody of their acquaintances in the way, striving who should come first home. But when they came within the Cathedral, and did see their master keeping his ward alone, their copies changed, and wished with all their hearts they had been away: but Dobson seeing them to be so daunted, encouraged them to go forward, implying to them, that the strangers were but gone to take a view of some of the ancient monuments in the Chancellor shrine of S. Cuthbert till their coming: and to release them of all fears, himself stepped foremost into the School. When every man was seated in his place, disputing what would be the issue of their calling home, M. Bromeley bolting the door so fast that none could escape forth, examined the cause, why they had neglected the school without his licence, and did not rather follow Dobsons' advise, which was, to have acquainted him first, that it was a solemnity of some Saint, either kept of custom, or commanded, which if by their collections they could have made plain, than he would not have detained them against any ancient and approved custom of the School. They by these propositions seating how the case stood, had no better excuse to clear themselves, then to blame the blameworthy, and so at large related, how by him they were induced thereunto, standing all to affirm it in his face, and their testimonies so strongly charging him, could not discern any fault in them worthy of chastisement, but turned all his anger upon this pregnant deviser, who well merited the whip, and was commanded to prepare his bréech for the strappado. But when he perceived that no reply of his against their assertion could be taken, neither any entreaty or promise of amendment procure his pardon, he skipped into an old Jakes in the School, whereinto they used to throw all their filthy dust and swéeping, protesting that forth of that place he would never come, unless that his master would solemnly swear to remit and forgive unto him all offences past: and if that any disaster shall overtake me in this place (saith he) I will take it upon my death, that the fear I conceive of your barbarous usage of me is the cause thereof, answer it as you can; you will find that I have parents will seek for no less satisfaction than the law will allow them. M. Bromeley doubtful that he had been mad or lunatic by his desperate behaviour, entreated him to come forth, swearing upon the Bible, that he would not only release him, but pardon all the rest: upon which his deposition made, Dobson by the help of a rope which was cast down unto him▪ ascended forth of the pit, and was reconciled to his Ma. and school fellows. After which time he desisted from further practising against them, being sent by his Uncle within a weeks space to the Vuiversitie of Cambridge.   

Of Dobsons' entertainment at Cambridge: and of his disputes there kept in the public Schools. Chap. 13.  
SIr Thomas being let to understand, by the Masters of the Schools, that his nephew was fit for the University, acquainted M. Deane therewith, requesting his good help and furtherance toward his placing in some good estate, whereby he might be the rather moved to continue and set himself to his studies with more facility, such impediments being cut off as a number, who forced to attend, in respect of their lack of maintenance, can hardly allot themselves any time to their books. And therefore he prayed Master Deane to commend him by Letters to such his friends as his worship did know could stead him for his promoting to a scholarship, when the time of Election should come, that he might have that help, together with the money which he had reserved of his Chorisiers stipend for his exhibition, which there he made account of to master Deane, that he entirely saved and kept it according as his worship had commanded for that end and purpose. Master Deane, for sir Thomas his sake, whom he loved more than any Canonist in the church, was willing to do whatsoever he desired, is far forth, as his Letters and credit in those places would extend: and at the time of his setting forward, forth of his own coffers he gave unto him as towards his viaticum, ten marks in liberality, and five other to bestow upon his study: he writ also in friendly manner to the Master and Fellows of Christ's College, entreating them to entertain him as his poor scholar, and that when a Scholership came into their gift, which by the statutes of their house they might dispose of, he then desired that (no misdemeanour of him to the contrary them inhibiting) to admit him thereunto, and himself would take it as a favour extended unto him, neither would be negligent in the requital of such a courtesy. And before he sealed, he read them unto sir Thomas, who humbly thanked him for these undeserved favours, promising, that for such his worshipful goodness and respect, he and his nephew should remain his daily beadsmen until death. And receiving the money and letters of Master Deane, he took his leave, and the next day he dispatched away Dobson, with divers others that intended the same course, waging a carrier to conduct and guide them thither, where he found as good welcome as could be wished for, in regard of master Deans Letters, the effect of which every man desired to accomplish, and the Master himself assigned him a Tutor, and carefully supplied all his wants, assuming him into a scholars place, by the assent of all the fellows within three weeks of his coming thither, although that the time of Election was not until Michaelmas after, a full half year from the time of his installing. He carried himself very respectively till he had perfectly learned all the customs and fashions of the University, and so diligently settled himself to his book, as by the estimate of all he was accounted the best Student in the House, and so exact he became in the interpreters of the Logic and Philosophy, that there was not one of his class able to equal him in dispute, or canvas an Argument with such dexterity. In this course did he keep himself three years, until he was called to the public schools, to hold his disputes in open audience of the University, when he rushed again into his old humours. And the first that opposed himself to Dobson in the Schools was a Welshman: the first. of whose questions was: 
 An aër sit substantia corporea: 
 Dobson answered: 
 If Wallus may be Gallus, aër sit substantia corporea.  
The Welshman cauelled again, until by the Moderator they were enjoined to go to the question, and to dispute it syllogisticè. The opponent urging an argument very captiously, was taken at the rebound, and beaten with his own Racket. Dobson escrying the Eleuch, showed him the falsity of the Sophism, and made him clear with a distinction: and so, that staff being broken, he took a stronger by the end (as he imagined) but herein Dobson so abased him, that the Welshman descended the Pulpit, and would fain have pulled him by the ears, if by the audience he had not been interrupted, who persuaded him the contrary, wherein (no doubt) they were greatly his hindrance, for if his charity had been to have lent, I conjecture he should have had his own repaid with usurio. Dobson prepared to have restored him the courtesy of the town, and bearing a gentlemanly mind, he resolved to have bestowed two for one, scorning to be in his debt. And of mere good will, to provoke the Welshman's appetite, he had brought with him, in a little linen bag, a pennyworth of cheese, and asise of bread, which at the propounding of the second Argument, taking the bag forth of his pocket, he spread it upon the pulpit, and set thercon the bread and cheese, and said, because I thought by your complexion, that there was some diet which troubled your stomach for want of tempered digestion, I have provided for you; Porridge igitur & manduca, gratias agens; reach to therefore, and eat, giving thanks. It were pity your mother should lose a son by a surfeit. Charity then hath moved me to prescribe you the best physic I know of: and sure it is most correspondent to a man of your constitution. Ajax perceiving it a vanity to deal with Ulysses, offered him the Gauntlet, and forsaking his piew, with folded fist he made toward Dobson with a buffet, who met at the half sword: but they had scarcely changed a couple of blows, but they were divided, and commanded, either to proceed informa, or to give place to some better prepared, Dobson retired to his settle, expecting another Argument. But the Welsh man was without; his brains were troubled with this object, that for his life he could not frame any further dispute, and so descending with disgrace for that time he departed the Schools, but Dobson continued forth his time, answering all opponents whatsoever, and so sufficiently, and with such learning, that his fame thereupon grew to be great in the general opinion of the University, and the Welsh man generally for ever after avoided to take the pulpit against him.   

Of Dobsons' second dispute against the Kentishmen: of his abuse of them: and of his sending to Bocardo. Chap. 14.  
IN the term following, he was assigned to be defendant in questions of philosophy against certain Kentishmen, with whom he conceived to have a more doubtful conflict, knowing the most part of them to be serious students, captious, pregnant, courageous, and endowed with singular quick apprehensions, and so many in number that he feared to be suppressed with multitudes, yet notwithstanding he devised how to close their mouths with a cover of plate; and albeit they might hap to insult over him, by their speculative knowledge, yet in practical sciences he was confident to have the superiority. And against the day of his conference with them he thus provided, he went to a painter in the city, and procured him to draw at large and in lively colours, a kennel of Foxes, marching in array of battle and loaden with the spotless of their enemies, in the forward was Reynold with a Cavalieroes cap of tawny hue, circled with a band of gold and pearl, to which was fastened a bunch of black and red feathers, importing death, and over spreading his crown, like a canopy, in his mouth he carried by the neck two slaughtered soldiers, the one a white gander whose body he had hung upon his right shoulder behind, & upon the left he bore the corpse of a very fair red cock, with some black & white freakles upon the breast, & at the ioyuture of his tail to the ridge bone, they had placed (like a Portmanteau) the carcases of half a dozen younger poultry: all which by main force he had taken in the fight, & put to the sword: with him was ranked on the left hand, dame Ermeline his wife, clothed in a gown of grey cundested satin: her hat was white, and the band of silvered tinzell, with a bunch of blue and yellow feathers, which ouer-shadowed her brows forward, and detended her face from the scorching heat of the sun, she reputing herself in prowess nothing inferior to sir Reynold, and that the worl● might bear witness that her valour was such: he had spotless also to testify the same, a grey goole, and a speckled hen, with sire sister chickens, whom by dim of sword, she had subdued and slaughtered. After them followed in good order a litter of young Cubbes every one whereof gave testimony by their abundance of prey, that a great overthrow had been given to their enemies, and that the victory was wholly theirs, some carried the spoils of the coneys, other of Ducks, and some Pigeons, only the hind most was plagued skipping at a bunch of grapes, but could not catch them: their tails were painted of a large and ample size, brushing the ground where they seemed to pace; and upon the flourish of each thereof which bunched thick, toward the end was artificially devised inscriptions, containing their names, offices, and the exploits by them achieved, and the arms of Kent in white and blue streamers, in a field of Sable.  
When all these things were thus done (as he directed) he discharged the Painter for his workmanship, and conveyed the Pagient to his chamber, till the day of his answer of the Kentish opponent: when the time prefixed came, they repaired to the schools, a little before the hour appointed, & caused a scréene to be set upright in view of his adversary, he fastened thereupon in a table of wood the foresaid pageant, drawing a veil before it, to keep it forth of sight, until he thought fit to discover it, certain Poems he annexed as examplifications of the Pageant: which because I will not be offensive to the kentishmen, I pass over to a double post. When the clock had stricken, and they flocked to the Schools from every College of the University, to hear the questions in controversy decided betwixt the Northern & Kentishmen, Dobson was elected Primate of the Northern companies, who came as defendants: and as beseemed a noble hearted Combatant, he entered the lists courageously, animating his fellows to second him in semblable fortitudes and magnanimity, and with un daunted spirits, promising so to blunt all their weapons that not one should have power to pierce him. And because it concerned the credit of himself and all his countrymen, he kept his acts with as much good order and formality as he could possibly make show of: and such excess of learning he showed in the whole placing thereof, as all admired his singular science & knowledge: he put down & drove two of them to a non plus, the third ascended the piew, whom also he quickly shifted from the Saddle: and because he would have no commendations perished, by any of his fellows which himself had purchased, he unmasked the sciéene, and laid to there view the Kentish description, at which sight all the audience swelled with laughing. But the kentishmen not brookeing this abuse, without any further prosecuting of their questions, made an uproar in the Schools, and having no other weapons but their fists, they went to good sad buffets the Northern & Kentishmen, neither could all the residue set them asunder, until the porters were sent for by whom they were admonished to desist, and for that time expelled the Schools, Dobson and some others of the principals of both parties were sent to Bocardo, where they remained until course was taken for their good behaviour in the Schools in all futurity of times.   

How Dobson kept his third dispute in public Schools against one Malgrado, a fellow student of Christ's College, and of his expelling the University. Chap. 15  
THe Master of Christ's College became Dobsons' security, upon promise to forbear these provocations of brawls, which if he did not, he threatened to stay his Bachelors grace, & to expel him the College, depriving him of all means of further progace and maintenance, which inhibition he nothing respected. The very next time he was enjoined to keep his third act in public, in which he was to deal with one of his own College, with whom alas he knew a fault, and therefore more boldly adventured to play the wanton, contrary to the masters admonishment. This Malgrado (for so was the other disputant surnamed) loved a Laundress daughter of the College, whom he many times harboured in his chamber, contrary to the statutes of their house: and at such times when she came either to fet or bring his clothes to or from washing, he would privily convey her into his study, as opportunity best fitted his purpose, and there many times the accompanied him for the space of four or five days, and sometimes more, being letted of fit dispatching her away by some of his fellows, whom upon some extraordinary kindness noted betwixt them, privily watched their familiar usage of one another, to whom he gave diligent respect that they might not take him napping. Dobson suggesting all occasions he could advise upon, to bolt forth the truth, at last catched the Cat in the Mouse-fall. Malgrado living in Pensioners common, when it pleased his guest to diet with him, was accustomed to size either of the Cooks, or amongst the Scholars a whole mess of meat, which his large provision first bred observation, and after betrayed his cause; for Dobson and his associates by this means discovered the Cat in a casket: which came thus to pass. One Sunday at the afternoon, when the most part of Students were gone abroad, some to hear Sermons, other to take the air in the fields, as every man's disposition allotted him, Malgrado had appointed his friend to resort to his chamber, into the which he safely conducted her in respect of their absence, purposing that while they continued at the Sermons, he would that with her a little, and so dismiss her before their return: But such content he took in her company, that he forgot himself, and was forced to stay her all the night: for at evening time they all came home to the College, because no man durst absent himself from prayer, and so Malgrado was constrained to go thither also, suspecting that if he abstained, it might occasionate his chamber to be searched, and then it was not possible for his friend to avoid their sight, he having no conveyance wherein to conceal her, but only a basket which he hung aloft in his chamber, binding it with two strong ropes to a cross beam, wherein usually he thrust her, if he feared the presence of any of his fellows, having so devised, that the end of the rope passing through the wall of his study, he might wind up and down the basket at his pleasure. He therefore compelled to keep her till he might gain a convenient time to set her packing, was urged that night to size double commons, and from the Cooks he carried a shoulder of mutton, not without the observation of Dobson and divers of his fellows, who said nothing whereby he might perceive their suspicions, yet assured themselves that mistress Deborah was a bidden guest. And when they conceived him and his familiar to be in the midst of their supper, up the stairs they rushed with a Porter's staste to have carried them both to the Tole both, but he prevented their sudden entrance, by bolting the door against them, which he kept shut until he had bestowed her into the basket, and drawn it up as high as the beam whereunto it was fastened: which done he set open the doors and let them enter, and to search his chamber in every corner, but they could find nothing, till being ready to depart, saith Dobson, fellow Malgrado, I supposed that you shed a shoulder of mutton to supper, what have you done with the remainder, surely my commons were so stender, that I intended at my coming hither to have mended my fare with you, if this unruly rabble had not interrupted me: and therefore I pray thee if thou hast any left, let us have it, and we will fetch some beer and be merry. Faith (saith Malgrado) I have left some little, but that I have given to my Cat, which I keep here in my basket to kill my Rats, and she I think by this hath pared the residue to the bone. If that be so said Dobson, than didst thou either eat very much, or thy Cat was greatly hungry. But I pray thee let us see, it shall be very sore fouled, if I take not part with her of that which is behind. But Malgrado fearing that his pelicies would appear, crcused the matter, and said, that it could not be but that the Cat had made it past man's eating. Notwithstanding (said Dobson) I will not believe it, unless I see it, neither shall this shift serve to save your vinuals, and making no more to do, cut the rope in sunder with a Halberd, when down came Mistress Deborah in the basket, and in her fall she cried, O help friend Malgrado, or I perish, but she had no supporters until she came upon the chamber where she was relieved with more attendanes than she desired, and that the truth of her coming thither might be manifested, the Masters and fellows were sent for to take her examination, who having really confessed her acquaintance and familiarity with Malgrado, with promise never more to frequent his company (especially in the College) she was let to go without further punishment, & Malgrado was admonished upon the pain of expulsion to abstain from such acquaintance with all women whatsoever, during the time of his stay in the College. Dobson therefore having this blot in Malgradoes book, versified upon this theme at large in the public audience, upon the day of their dispute, and to quite Malgradoes oratory who excelled Dobson in Rhetoric, yea and in railing too, when they had disputed their first question, Dobson drew forth from under his gown a basket which of purpose he had provided, and lifting up the cover, forth skippeth a Cat, offering to run away, but Dobson catching her by the tail, said, nay I beseech you to stay good Mistress Deborah, you shall sup before you pass, for your familiar friend Malgrado hath sised a shoulder of motton which he drawing forth of the basket preferred to the poor amazed Cat, who shrieking & crying scratched him by the fingers until she was delivered: the Schools were admired of the mystery, neither did any man know what construction to give thereto, while Dobson unfolded all the former circumstances, which the audience hearing, thrust Malgrado from the Pulpit and gave Dobson a general applause, aswell for his learned disputes as his comical conceits. But Malgrado complained of this disorder to the Master of their house, who considering, that not only Malgrado, but the whole house, by this discovery were made ridiculous to the whole University, by th'assent of the whole Chapter expelled Dobson both the College and the University at the very instant when he should have proceeded Bachelor. Dobson taking in evil part this disgrace, against the day of the Bachelors commencement, he set upon the College gates the picture of Malgrado with a Bachelors cap and gown, in his right hand holding Mistress Deborah in a basket, and in the other a Cat tied in a chain with a shoulder of mutton about her neck, about him he placed the pictures of the mistress of the house and the fellows in their Doctor's robes, with coxcombs upon the crowns of their caps, and in each man's hand a fox tail, and a pair of shears, this statue he erected an hour before day, and so took him to his heels, lest if he were catched he should be punished for the same, bidding Cambridge and the Schools adieu.   

How Dobson became an Oastler and a servingman, how he beat his Mistress for the love of her maid, and how he should have hanged for riding away with his masters horse, and of his end. The last Chap.  
DObson being in this manner banished the University, not daring to look upon his Uncle, and ashamed to return to his Country in this dishonour, when he came at Huntingdon, he hired himself to an Innkeeper where he played the under Oastler for the space of a year to his great grief and discontent, until a Gentleman of his country pitying that so able a boy, and well qualified as by his discourse and carriage he seemed to be, should so basely bestow himself persuaded him to give over that trade of life, & to become a servingman, which he told him was a more commendable course, less painful, and could not be otherwise then more profitable also. Dobson soon assented to his persuasion having used the other but of mere necessity, and because he did not know how to live otherwise, the gentleman therefore concluding with him for reasonable wages, secretly conveyed him from Huntingdon to his own house, with whom he stayed the space of another year also, in which time for his diligence and behaviour he got a singular opinion both of his Master and Mistress, until this had happened. His Mistress had a cozen who attended her in the chamber, an handsome girl, with whom Dobson came more familiarly acquainted than was allowed of, and also she afforded him equal affection and love, which caused her to have many a lowering countenance of her Aunt, but she set light of them in regard of Dobsons' favour, much difficulty he suffered before he could impart his mind to her, which had not needed if he had been assured of the maids good meaning toward him, who if modesty had not letted her, had first moved the suit to him, and never paused after his first motion made to give him answers or to advise of the matter, but protested at the very instant to be his affected & pawned the same with a kiss, yet they concluded to dissemble the same, and to keep it secret from their Master and Mistress. But love like the fire, first smoking, and then flaming, increased so betwixt them that it burst forth to open view of all: their exterior shows betrayed their interior secrets, and so apparent it was to the whole house, that their Master and Mistress had information of the same, which the Mistress ill digested in respect she was her niece, and he a stranger unknown to any of them, either his estate, condition, or parentage, which he willingly concealed because he would not have his Uncle to receive any certificate of his course of life, she therefore strictly commanded her cozen to abstain from his company, and in no sort to use him familiarly, as she cared to avoid her final displeasure, but this charge was of as much force as if she had taken wood and thrown into the flame forbidding it to burn, for women are never earnest in love until such time as they be forbidden to love. When therefore her mistress had abriged her of all means of speaking with him in the house, appointed to meet him at the pen when the maids came to milking, where she to gratify their fellows & the rather to induce them to conceal their meetings, for her Mistress did diverse times feast and banquet them with possets and the like conceits. But in all societies there are ever some false brothers, when to pick a thank, or to gain a particular favour to themselves, dissupplant their fellows, so among these maids there was one chattering pie, who thrust into the mistress head all their intercourse of love and familiarity which then passed, for which the poor wench had many a sound chiding, yet stood to deny all, so long that her constant negative one night moved her mistress to put upon her a woman's attire, and secretly to convey herself into a Calfehouse, hiding herself in the straw under the crib, until the time of milcking, purposing to try whet●●r her cozen or the maid were in the truth. And the same night they had assigned Dobson to be present at a posset of sack, never suspecting that their mistress had any notice of their good fellowship in that place, much less that she was present to behold their pastimes. But only she who had set her to the watch. While Dobson stayed longer than the hour assigned, they thought fit to make an end of milkeing, that when he came they might have nothing to stay them further, then only the dispatch of the posset, and also, lest staying later abroad than they were accustomed, their mistress might have jealousy of some such matter. One of the maids, she who had first milked, went into the calfehouse to pull a rose, and as it would be, she pissed into her mistress neck unknown to her, while at her going forth, she had a glimpse of one lying covered in the straw, at which both ashamed and afraid she came forth & related what had befallen her, some laughed at the case a little, others cared how to dispose of the posset, tush saith her cozen, love making her bold, if the case be so plain, let us stand to it like friends, let them flinch that fears, we will take no knowledge of her presence, God be thanked we know the worst, it is but the loss of a service, a chiding, a bundle of bats, and start I will not till my friend come, if it be not till midnight, I will either urge her to come & take part with us, or weary her of her lodging, but presently hereupon appeareth sir Dobson whom he much blamed for his lingering, withal, revealing on what difficulties they stood upon, in regard their mistress had set watch to trap them, no matter said he, let us first conquer this adversary, and refer me to pacify our mistress anger, I know a card wherewith to cool the heat of my mistress fiery stomach. And so when the banquetended, willing them to walk homeward, he with a good fast cudgel entered the calfehouse, where with many a lusty blow he happened his mistress about the shoulders, notwithstanding that she entreated him to stay his hands and not to beat her being his mistress, no quoth he thou art some visard witch, that pretendest some mischief to my mistress her beasts, or else some naughty pack quean, in league with the maids, to cozen my mistress of the milk. My mistress is a gentlewoman of good worship, and would not for the world be seen in this base and ragged attire, and therefore I will hamper thee like as thou art, and so doubling his blows he beat her again till himself was weary, and she so lamed that she was not able to stand, but falling down upon her knees, she said, O good George I pray thee to take some pity upon me and kill me not forthright, for in very truth I am thy mistress, and came of purpose in this disguised and ragged clothing, to espy and see thy usege and behaviour with my maids, to whom I am contented to remit as to thee all that ever you have trespassed against me, conditionally that thou now cease from beating me, and help to conduct me home, for thou hast so squeized me that I am not able to go alone, he seemeing by these speeches to be brought into some doubt that it should be his mistress indeed, carried her into the light where beholding her in the visage as though before he had not known her, he cried her mercy, & appeared very sorrowful, requesting her to pardon him, affirming that he did not believe that it should be herself, but some other rogish ill disposed woman, and prostrating himself upon his knees he asked her heartily forgiveness (as she supposed) and that he had beat her of ignorance, wherewith she the more easily pardoned him, and staying herself upon his shoulders she walked home with him, but he had so basted her, as for five weeks after, she was constrained to keep her bed, in which time she was informed of the whole betwirt him and her maids as touching her beating, for which atterwards the could never endure him, and to curb his desires she privately caused her kinswoman to be conveyed away he did not know whither, for which he became so discontent, that when his master was upon occasions gone towards London his mistress sending him to a cousin's house about some business, he road away with his master's best gelding, sold him also and spent the money never returning to give answer of his message: his master at his coming back from London, made diligent inquiry after his man & his horse, and at the length being certified of his abode, and the sale of his horse, he arrested him with a Justices warrant, and got him committed to the Castle at York, where he was to answer the assizes, and had hanged without remission, if his uncle had not made means for his reprieve until he procured him a pardon. For after that he was hanckeled in so great extremity, he directed letters to his uncle, certifying him of his lamentable case craveing pardon for all his former evagations, & promising future reformation and to reclaim himself from all lewd behaviours, desiring also his uncle to provide him a cannons place in Dunholme, whereby he might be maintained sufficiently if he escaped death, and that through want he needed not be constrained to prosecute any more such barbarous courses. Nature & pity concurring in his uncles breast enforced him to afford his helping hand. And by master Deans means and the prebend's he got him freed from death, and imprisonment, and also beneficed in the Abbey, as he requested. Whereupon entering into consideration how much Almighty God and his friends had helped him, he mortified all his irregular passions and spent the residue of his course in an admirable course of civility. For the which he was generally respected of all the people & the whole Clergy, and after the death of his Uncle, possessed of all his substance and beneficed with his Vicarige, in which estate he ended and finished his life.   
Finis.