HELL Illuminated. OR, SANCY'S ROMAN CATHOLIC Confession,  
WHEREIN Are such Lessons, which if studiously practised, 'tis much to be feared, the Devil himself will turn JESUIT.  
LONDON, Printed for L. Curtis in Goat-Court on Ludgate-Hill, 1679.   

THE PREFACE, By way of Dialogue between a Roman Catholic and a Protestant.  R. Cath. 
HAve ye heard the News?  Pro. 
No Sir.  R. Cath. 
Well, because 'tis to your prejudice, I'll tell it ye. The Devil having lately made public Confession, and received full absolution of his sins from his Holiness himself at Rome, has taken a Resolution, to forsake the Pomps and Vanities of his own wicked world, and in his old age to enter into one of our holy Orders, according to the example of Charles the Fifth.  Pro. 
I took him to have been of your Religion, ever since Constantine's time.  R. Cath. 
That's your mistake, He was of none at all, till now— I confess he had like to have been converted by Martin Luther, when he was so long with him in his study; and John of Leiden with his backsword Logic, made him stagger cursedly, so that he was just tumbling headlong down the Precipice of Huguenotism, had not the strong hand of Ignatius Loyala snatched him from the misfortune of the fall.  Pro. 
Why then, if the Devil have the least spark of Gratitude in him, that must be the Order he intends to honour.  R. Cath. 
'Tis so.  Pro. 
In troth, you make me smile—  R. Cath. 
Why so?  Pro. 
Why so! because I see you do not perceive the Devil's design— For he, having intelligence out of the Revelation, That he is to Reign a Thousand Years, upon Earth at his full swinge, and resolving to make use of the utmost extent of his Tyranny, believes it his best way to hide his cloven feet with the Jesuits Cassock, foreseeing, that successful pretence of Mankind, Religion, to be the only way for him to carry on his intended mischief. Tho there be some that say, be does it out of Fear. For though Broughton, Napier, Sedgwick, and the rest of those modern small Prophets, have promised him a full Thousand Years upon their Honours, yet I know not what kind of mistrust overrules him. He is loath in the full Gallop of his fury and revenge upon Heaven, to be cut off by the hands of an enthusiasmed Ravilliac, or be shamed out of five hundred of his thousand years, by a pair of perfumed Gloves. And therefore like a Devil of Prudence and Foresight he inserts himself into this Order.  R. Cath. 
These are mere inventions and reproaches cast upon honest worthy good men— Nay, you make those Actions to be Criminal which are not so, and then throw 'em upon the Jesuits. For if a man have a Capital Enemy, you'd have a man love him— 'Tis true, there's something of the Dove, but where's the Serpent? There's Christianity indeed, where's the Policy?— where's self preservation, and the Law of Nature? The Law of Nature was from the beginning written in the heart of man— the Law of God long after only cut upon two pieces of stone, and by Moses broken all at one clap. Is it not a shameful thing to see a huddle of old rotten wooden Buildings disgracing the modern Piles of Brick and Stone Structure? therefore is Fire honestly made use of there, to refine and beautify. The Jesuits are looked upon as the most polite and high soaring of the Catholic Orders— and therefore if they should not do extraordinary things, from whom extraordinary things are expected, their Reputation would dwindle away, and die of a Consumption.  Pro. 
But do you think it any honour to your Order, to have the Devil of your Society?  R. Cath. 
Why truly; I cannot tell— If Satan will make a Confession, and throw himself into the Arms of his Mother, the Church of Rome— I know that our holy Father the Pope, has forgiven many an Incarnate, worse than he— we are apt to remember whatever we think the Devil does amiss— why should we forget what he does well? And indeed, I would fain know what it is that you Huguenots rail so much at the Devil for?— You'll say that He maintains a general Antipathy against Heaven;— so do the Danes maintain a National Enmity against the Suede;— the French against the Spaniards; the Imperialists against the French— And yet these National Antipathies are allowable, as mainly conducing to cherish that Pride and Animosity which defends, and many times crowns them with Victory. I would fain know, why a man might not write the Life of Satan, as well as Katherine de Medecis; unless it were out of civil respect to him, not to let the World see that a Woman could outdo him. Therefore good Mr. Protestant be not so Captious— but read these following sheets. Consider what the Prince of the Air says in his own justification, weigh his Tropes, and his Figures, and if he don't argue like a Gentleman, and a Scholar.  Pro. 
But hold a blow, you say this is Signior Diavolo's Confession, when the Title says, 'tis M. Sancy's Confession.  R. Cath. 
For that, you know, Sir, 'tis the common practice of men of no reputation, to borrow the names of men of fame— The Devil has learning, but no fame— He knew Sancy to have both—  Pro. 
Indeed I have heard much of this Sancy, that he is both a witty, & an impartial Writer— which makes me wonder, that he being a man of learning, should be drawn aside to be the Devil's Confessor—  R. Cath. 
Oh Sir, 'tis no dishonour to be deluded by the Devil— Popes and Emperors themselves, have frequently been gulled by him, that's more— but Sancy was not so— for when he heard his tale, he presently smelled him, and found his Civility to be but an act of Moralty, well knowing that had the Devil been put to have published his Confession in his own name, not one in a Thousand would have believed the Father of lies—  Pro. 
A very great piece of Civility indeed.  R. Cath. 
Yes, and I think, as I said before, of Morality too— For when he heard how Lucifer spoke his Conscience, and knew it, as he did, to be real, it had been a point of dishonesty to have hindered the discovery of such truths to the World, by the knowledge of which, the Jesuits have become a mighty Order, and the Roman Catholic Religion has been highly advanced▪  Pro. 
I am satisfied— now to the Confession itself.   

THE CATHOLIC CONFESSION OF THE Sieur the SANCY. FIRST BOOK.  

CHAP. I. Of the Authority of the Church, and of its Head.  
IT has been a Controversy frequently debated in these times, whether the State be in the Church, or the Church in the State. Amongst those that would have the State to be in the Church, there are some who allege, That it would not be universal, should it be circumscribed within the State. Others, taking the same things for Examples, Do ye not see, say they, how the State submits it self to the Church? How this haughty King, after so many Armies vanquished, so many flourishing people, so many great Princes, his Enemies, laid at his feet; at length for all his Grandeur, prostrating himself at the feet of the Pope, receives his commands at the hands of his Monsieur Confessor▪ and Cardinal D' Ossat. Which two were laid upon their bellies jig by jowl, like Mackarel upon a Gridiron, while you might have read half a Mass. They say moreover, That there was the same play to be played over again, between his Majesty and Monsieur the Legate, but that was to be done gently and under the Rose. They who would turn the Holy See quite out of doors, instance the boldness of the Court, which being a Fugitive, as far as Tours, yet ventured to burn the Bulls of his Holiness by the hand of the common Hangman. After that, they tell of a second piece of Audacity of the Court united together, which was the Banishment of the Jesuits out of France, a high contempt of the Romish See. But I answer to that, That we have no reason to repent of it. Witness the good Catholic City of Tournon, and in imitation of her, the Parliaments of Tholouse and Bourdeaux, who both, in spite of Fate reestablished these stout Champions of the Church.  
Thus you have the proofs of the one and the other side by Consequences and Effects. Now for proofs by reason; and let no man wonder at this way of proceeding. It has been the humour of France for many years to mind the effects, and not the reason of things. Then I must tell the Reader, that a man may sooner venture his Neck and get a hundred thousand Crowns, then disengage himself out of the labyrinth of such difficult affairs. I shall therefore only say this, That I believe the Pope to be more than all the rest of the World together, nay then all the Saints, and all the Angels. I'll show ye certain passages which Monsieur Confessor gave me, to confirm me in this opinion. Bernard of Sens calls him Prince of the Bishops, Heir of the Apostles; for antiquity of dignity, Abel and Noah; as a Patriarch, Abraham; as to his Order, Melchisedec; as to his Priesthood, Aaron; as to his Sovereignty, Moses; in Judgement a Samuel, in power a Peter, in authority, Christ. I remember the words of one of the Bulls of Clement the 6th. The Pope is to be admired; The Pope is the astonishment of the World: Neither God nor Man, but as it were between both. The Glossary upon q. Sect. 1. cap. 17. is positive, That the Pope is no man. I have also read the Distinct. and Canon, Proposuit de con. prae. 19 c. Si humanarum. Where it is pithily observed, That the Pope, according to the latitude of his Authority, has power to give a dispensation against any Law. And 5. Transub Epist. 5. in Gloss. he explains himself farther, saying, That the Pope can turn injustice into justice. Monsieur Confessor, never admire at these last passages, when I shall tell ye, by way of reinforcement, that the Pope can make infecta facta; that is, he can make Something out of Nothing, and Nothing of Something. By one History alone will I undertake to prove, that the Pope can do all this. That high and mighty Pope, Sixtus Quintus, who in his time caused above four thousand pair of shoulders to want heads; and envied the Queen of England for nothing more, but that she had the Honour to cut off a Queen's Head; who put down the Bawdy houses, and consequently took away fourscore thousand Ducats of rent from the Church. He that was wont say, There's no trusting in this Religion, for it will not last. He whom the King called Mr. Sixtus, who was made Pope, that he might bring his Hogs to a fair Market. This Great Personage having unfortunately entered into a Contract with the Devil, and having read how Alexander the Sixth, for that he had usurped the Chair by force, was cozened in his term of years, made his bargain absolutely for seven years; but notwithstanding all his wit, the Scrivener he had to deal with, found a way to get loose from his Articles. For after he had reigned five years very formidably, he fell sick the last day of the five years, at what time there came to his Bedside in the sight of his chief Chamberlain, a certain grave Abby-Lubber, with whom the Pope entered into a very high Contest, insomuch that they in the next Room could hear the Pope call the t'other perfidious; ask him withal whether he had not promised him seven years, and whether there were any more than five past? To which the Devil's Envoy made answer with a loud voice; 'Tis true, said he, I promised thee seven years, and there are but five elapsed, and yet for all that I am no perfidious Person. For do but remember, That when you had a desire to put to death the Son of such one— for such a Crime,— when you were informed by Justice, that Legally he could not be put to death, till he was Seventeen years of Age— I say then, do but remember, how you said you would lend him two of yours: Now five and two make seven, and therefore you must go, there's no remedy. By this Story we find the absolute power of the Pope, and a confirmation of the forementioned Characters of his Grandeur. For by putting the young Lad illegally to death, he dispensed with Law against Law. That Justice which should have saved the Lad, he turned into Injustice. And the Devil and he made out the third point: For the Bargain which was for seven years, at first imperfect, by the power of the Pope and the Devil became a good Contract, as the Devil made it out by the Pope's own Act and Deed. And therefore that buffonly Precedent of Beaulieu, when the Pope had excommunicated the Mass which had been said when the King was crowned, together with all that assisted at the Coronation; did not much amiss, according to his rambling Divinity, to say, That where there was an Assembly of Ecclesiastics, it was such because there was a God among them. The Chancellor going about to reply, By the body of— Sir, cried the Belswagger, you shall grant me that God was present at that same Council. The Chancellor not daring to deny; the other demands, if any Heretic were there, who durst venture to bond the puissance of his Holiness? Every one shruged up his shoulders, choosing rather to allow the Excommunication of the God of Heaven, then limit the power of a God upon Earth.   

CHAP. II. Of Traditions.  
WE puzzle the Heretics infinitely, when we demonstrate to them, that the Authority of the Church and Traditions teach us to acknowledge the Scriptures, although the Canonical Writings teach us not to acknowledge either Traditions or the Authority of the Church. In truth, we must hold to the Legends of the Church, and not to Canonical Scripture, otherwise the Heretics will goad us to Eternity with their Texts out of the Bible. But that I may seem to have done something more, I made use of this advice, not to reckon for Tradition-Mongers those ancient Doctors of the six first Ages, wherein the Church was not as yet fully nobilitated; when her Sumptuous Buildings were not as yet reared; when the Popes lived up and down in Caverns, and in short might pass for the first Promoters of her troubles: at what time the Church smelled somewhat strong of Huguenotism, or rather of the Faggot. I say they wrote nothing boldly or over-confidently in those first times: & therefore I allow for Traditions, the Books corrected by the devout Council of Trent. For some time after that, we have seen at the Court, and we have still some Doctors, who affecting squeamishness of Conscience, play the Demi-Huguenots, and Appointers of Religion. This aught to be a fair example to Monseiur Benedict, and his Compagnons, Berenger, and Chauveau in their Deaths of Melancholy or Poison. These Hero's would fain persuade the suppression of a Book, entitled Index Expurgatorius. Accordingly, it was one Result of the Council of Trent, whereby all Printers were commanded to expunge or correct the most boisterous passages, wherewith the holy Fathers had besmeared the belief of the Church, with a Catalogue of such Sentences as it was convenient either to stifle or amend, to the end the Heretics might make no use of them. These Prudent Worldlings, esteeming themselves wiser than the Council, would needs have this expurgatory Index suppresed, to conceals, as they said, the shame of the Church, which was not to plead for its self upon false Evidences. But they have displayed the shame, by thinking to hide it: For about 11. or 20. years since, the Book (I mean a copy of it, signed by the Council) fell into the hands of the Family of Antwerp, and is now carefully preserved among the Rarities of the Elector Palatine. And which is worse, some Doctors, among the rest Baronius, who were chosen to make this Reformation, are reform themselves, and have confessed in their printed writings, that one of them had for his part alone, altered above sixty of those passages. Thus the design of the Council being discovered, in going about to suppress this Book, we might suppress the Authority of the Church, and make it questionable, whether it be not lawful to change the Expositions of the Doctors, and something of the Text of the Ancients? Certainly, the Affirmative is to be maintained, and that the Church ought to change both the old and new Testament, without boggling any more at the Translation of the Septuagint, then at the Translation of fifteen Score, if we would have all the main Principles on our side. The Primates of Bourges and Lions, would discard out of the number of Traditions, the Conformities of St. Francis, the Pattern of Wisdom, the Garden of disconsolate Souls, Marial; the Sermons of Menot, Manipulus Curatorum, Stella, Lavacrum Conscientiae, Summa Peccatorum, dedicated to the Virgin Mary; the Golden Legend, the Book of Rates, and the Life of Christ. A Preacher whose name was Christi, preached at Nantes to the Ladies, in these words▪ My dainty acquaint Ladies, if I find a Bible or a new Testament in any of your hands, you shall taste of my Whip: but have always between your fingers the good Vita Christi, the Vita Christi, who made Vespasian and Titus Christians, and brought about the design of the Siege of Jerusalem, to revenge the Death of Christ; and then he condemned and vilified all other Historians, to establish the truth of that Book. But one of those Prelates might sooner have instructed himself to believe in God▪ then us to believe in Him; and it is as difficult a thing to make us quit our love of those Books, as to make him quit the love of his kind Sister. For those books are the only foundation of our belief. Neither do they allow the defeat of Monsieur Cayer. They say, that the Tales of St. Francis were made at Geneva. That's well for the Alcoran of St. Francis. However the studies of these abstemious Find-faults, are full of those books of the old Impressions. 'Twere better for them to defend them, and say that they were made with a good Intention. As when we read of St. Francis living with his Wife of Snow. We ought to speak the best, and say the good man did it to cool not only his own naturally sinful heat, but as a precedent to his posterity. When he preaches to the flesh▪ thereby it is intimated, that when his offspring should preach, they would require a mute Auditory. When he preached it up for a Miracle, that God would not suffer the flesh to be drowned in the Deluge, thereby he insinuates that the Miracles of the Church of Rome ought to proceed from natural causes, as Richeome labours to make out. When he calls the Wolves his Brethren, and strokes them with his hand, he did it to show, that the Franciscans should be rough footed, and surprizers of the Innocent sheep. He calls the Swallows his Sisters, because their Brothers like them, all morning prayer time, build their nests i'the countrymen's Houses. When the Angel told St. Francis, as he was at his devotions, that Antichrist should be born of his Order, that was, because it should not be thought an Indignity to make the Franciscan Friars Popes. And when he disrobed himself before the Women, and set up his Crucifix, what was that but to display the beauties of Nature, as not having eaten of the Tree of Knowledge; and to lay open, if not the understanding, yet the nakedness of Father Adam? When St. german raises a dead Ass, wherefore should not he, out of his brotherly love, and Asinine commiseration, being alive, give life to Asses, who had been the death of so many at St. Germane de prez, and Auxerrois. Blaze of Anjou, who threatened his Son with Excommunication, if he offered to read one line in the Scripture, especially the Commandments, at length at the intercession of Aubraye a good Catholic, gave him leave to read the Maccabees. As for Friar Jacopon, when I was a Huguenot, there was nothing made me laugh like the Legend of that pious Saint; and among the rest, how he made Confession of his sins to one of his Brethren by signs.  
These things seem absurd; but they work this effect among the people, as to lead them into a belief that there is no absurdity in the World. And therefore it is, that St. Paul calls the preaching of these things the folly of preaching. From whence Monsieur Cayer draws this notable Syllogism: It pleases God to save Believers by the folly of preaching; the folly of preaching is the preaching of Legends: therefore God is pleased to save believers by preaching of Legends. If any person requires the note of Universality, and insists, that nothing is to be concluded ex puris particularribus, he may do well for the Schoolmen: However to conclude from pure particulars is rather the Logic of a Banker, than a Scholar. The Legend of the Saints, is the Garden of the Soul. Images are the Books of the Ignorant. Yet in this Garden there are certain Herbs to be found, which if they do no farther mischief, yet cause a general stupidity. A brave fellow, who understands the fashion of the World, knows what it is which the Country people call Robbery. If he find that his disconsolate Soul is not able to change its way of living, he may see in the Legend, the bright example of a Knight, who without mercy robbed the poor as well as the rich, and was acquitted for saying an Ave Marie once a day: and it is indeed the general practice of the Soldiers at this time. If a Lady of the Court find in her disconsolate Soul, that she cannot pass for a devout Votaress, and a voluptuous Liver both at the same time, has she not wherewithal to comfort her, like the Egyptian St. Marry, who from twelve years of age till she was grown contemptibly old, never refused any man in her life? Are not the ancient Chronicles full of the noble acts of St. Mandlin? Do not the Legendary Poets tell us, how many persons of good Families have been forced by the power of her Enchantments to sell their Estates for her sake? How many other courageous Blades have valiantly cut their own throats, being jealous of her love? and yet she was no sooner exhausted with age, but she was presently canonised. If any poor Priest have not the pour to preserve his Chastity, 'tis his fault, if he make not use of the Canon, Si quis Presbyter Concubinam non habuerit; and thereby be as shamelessly happy as Abbot Ephraim, who made no scruple, like Diogenes, to supply his wants in the open Marketplace. There's the Authority of the Chapter, inter opera Charitatis, where it is said, that he that couples with a Magdalen, multum profuit in remissionem peccatorum. If any Bishop or Cardinal becomes amorous of his Page, let him comfort himself after the Example of St. Francis, who calls his Amours with Friar Maccus, sacred. As to what the said Book affirms, that St. Francis was all inflamed, beholding Friar Maccus, and that he often cried out the same day, as the one held the Chalice, and the other the little Cruises, transported with the fury of his love, praebe mihi teipsum: there is much to be collected from thence. I will tell ye bythe by, that you may hence conjecture where Monsieur Confessor lays his foundation, when he calls the Amours of Quailus, and his Master, Sacred; and whence this Title was first derived. There is another book whom I have so often mentioned, which they would fain have quite extirpated, but the holy See would never permit the loss. De Spared was the first that laboured in it these words, Habeat jam Roma pudorem, ejusmodi mores toto mundo prostituere desinat. Let Rome at length be ashamed, and cease to prostitute such Customs to all the World. This is the book of Rates, where a good Catholic may see the cheapness of sinning, and observe in a moment the price of forgiveness. Whoever shall deflower a Virgin, shall pay six groats. He that shall carnally know, by consent of parties, his own Mother, his Sister, his Cousin-German or his Godmother shall be acquitted for five groats; but if it be known publicly in the Church, not under six. He that kills his Father or his Mother, shall pay a Ducat and and five Cartines. I could tell ye more, but I shall rather let ye know that these things are to be seen in the Chapter of perpetual Expenses. The book was printed at Paris in the year 1570. by Toussain Denis in St. James-street at the Woodd'n Cross, being entitled Cancellaria Apostolica. A Poictovin asked me one day whether I could resolve him a acquaint Question, why Sodomites were more zealous against the Huguenots, than any of the Roman Catholics? I laughed at the Question at first, but afterwards I called to mind, what I had heard from the mouth of the brave Marshal d' Aumont; There are none, said he, that so violently persecute us, as these Sodomites, and labour the utter expulsion of the Huguenots. I remembered also, that there are not any who so earnestly solicited the King's Conversion, as those who were most suspected for that Crime. Which was the reason, that I resolv●d to understand the Interest of these Monsieur Catamites. You know, said the Poictovin, that there are several persons who are polluted with this peccadillo; who though they do not over-credulously believe that there is any Hell, or any Paradise, yet being still in doubts and fears, would, as the Decretalists say, make use of absolution by way of caution. Now should a man come to an honest Divine and ask him by what means, a detestable sinner may be saved? He would reply, by embracing the death of Christ, with a true and sincere faith; by praying with a contrite heart, and a real repentance; by relying upon the mercy of God, and putting on a resolution of amendment of life, and perseverance therein. But the mischief is, that the honest people of this age, are not easily allured to furnish themselves either with this same Faith or Patience. Then comes the holy See, composed of persons of high birth, that carry a great sway in public affairs, who observing that such Soul-physic was not at all toothsome to great Personages, and being unwilling that Beggars and tatterdemalions should outbrave Kings and Grandees with their Theological virtues in the other World, have found out a more pleasing and acquaint Expedient. For if you ask a Jesuit concerning that nice and intricate sin of Sodomy, he'll fit your humour better than a Country Parson. He'll send you to Cardinal Sourdis, who by his Bull alone, shall acquit ye both of Sodomy and Incest. He will put about your neck a wreath of the last requests by Master Jaques David, Bishop of Eureux. If you are a French man, he will bestow upon ye certain grains of Paradise, out of the 19 Art. will cause ye to say certain words out of the 7. Art. as Domine Jesus, suscipe, and such like, which are printed at Paris by— And this Application rightly managed, gives ye a full and absolute Indulgence and Remission of all your sins, as well in reference to the Crime as to the Punishment. Which is expressly quoted by Monsieur Confessor as a new thing. For we said before, that Antiquity durst not be so hardy nor adventurous. Do ye think it strange then, that the Religion of the Huguenots, of which I will say what the learned Julian said of Christianism, that it was the Religion of Beggars and Vagabonds; I say, do you think it strange, that Kings, Princes, Prelates, Cardinals, Popes and other Grandees, should from the bottom of their hearts, abominate Huguenotism, and Huguenots, and embrace a kind and favourable Religion, by the precepts and freedom whereof, the gates of Paradise are always open at a minute's warning? A Religion that affords Remedies for all transgressions and distempers, In Spain to the Cavalleroes, 
The Spanish Proverb.  in France to Lord and Pedant, in Germany to few, but in Italy to all in general.   

CHAP. III. Of the Intercession of He-Saints and She-Saints.  
OUr Gallants for want of Arguments prove the most part of the points in controversy by pleasant Similitudes, and jocular Comparisons. As for Example you shall see how we prove the Intercession of the He-Saints, and She-Saints. 'Twas never known that all persons whatsoever went higglede pigglede to present their Petitions to the King, but by the Mediation of others, as Princes, Princesses, Counsell●rs of State, and Masters of Request. Ergo, we must believe that the Male and Female Saints order the Affairs of Heaven, as we order our affairs on Earth. And here I might undertake to prove that God never concerns himself with the affairs of this World, by the help of the same comparison. True it is, that that Heretic Rosny will have him take another course; and acts the Publican and the honest man both together, contrary to the Maxim, That two contraries cannot subsist in the same subject. I hope that one of the two will submit by the assistance of my Conversion, and the Intercession of the Saints. Who doubts the Efficacy of Saints Intercession? Consider that no crimes have been so great within these 15 years, but that both the crime and the punishment have been quite abolished by their Prayers. No services have been so praiseworthy, but that they, who thought to steal a reward, without the Intercession of these holy Persons, have been deceived, and have lost their time and the acknowledgement which they deserved. This is that which Hortman observed in his Book de Regno Vulvarum. I shall have no great trouble to persuade them to believe this point, who have had business to do since my reign. The General of the League having but two places that held out for him, could not reconcile himself with this King as he did with the other on purpose to entrap him. By that he gained more than by catching cold in his Trenches. The Reigning Saint had given him a general pardon, and placed him in the highest place of the Terrestrial Paradise. Madam de Montpensier, whom we would hang in Effigy, has in the same manner expiated the Assassination of the late King. Villeroy has also luckily made his peace the same way. Sourdis the Oncle recovered Chartres, and that head which tottered upon his shoulders, but they did not give him the Mastership of the Horse, because the Pages began to ride uneasily, which produced the following short Lampoon.  
And must Sourdis lose his wages?  
What's the Crime that thus enforces?  
Oh! he spurs the little Pages,  
Instead of spurring the great Horses.  
Without the help of this Saint, Le Grand had also been expelled; but he carried a Candle to the Saint rather than to his merits. I have taken away my sons from Rochel, and will not have them any more to study either Greek or Hebrew; but will order 'em to learn the Sciences of Monsieur de Lignerac, Varenne, Cachat, and La Bastide, who will teach them to say their Ora pro nobis' with a good Grace. Let 'em know their hours according to the Custom of Chartres; say yes, and ask what was said, and to feign being a fool, be so in good earnest. If they see any nastiness at Court, I would have them to be punished if they have Noses to smell it. Let 'em learn, like Monsieur d' Espernon the little Images of the Court, assist them to wipe their tails; nay offer their tongue, if there be neither Linen nor Paper in the way. By that means they shall obtain an Intercession, and that Intercession is All-sufficient. Lignerac can do nothing but laugh; he that is the Amalgama or Cement of the two houses of Estrees and Lorain. Cachat knows more than only how to speak French. He it was that made the Peace of Provence. Varenne began to learn to read but last Winter, and yet he made up the Peace of France at the same time. Intercessions thus bestow the merit, as well as the reward. And therefore we have it thus in our Prayer-Books, Da nobis ut mereamur fieri participes, etc. Words which the Huguenots that laugh at them, do not understand at all.   

CHAP. IU. Of Purgatory.  
GEntlemen, since you Courtiers will have a Purgatory, we must of necessity find out a place for this Purgatory, without going to seek it in St. Patrick's hole, as Henry Stevens discourses in his Apology for Herodotus. I find what he says to be very smooth and pleasing, but it is not at all approved by the Sorbon. Truly were I to manage this business like a Divine, I fear me, I should be very much puzzled. I went and consulted Monsieur Confessor, who laughed at their Curiosity; I asked him, where any mention was made of Purgatory in the Holy Scriptures: But he produced me nothing but dark and doubtful Sentences, whence there was nothing of Truth to be collected. I enquired concerning the Fathers; he told me, St. Austin spoke of Purgatory in his 11. Book upon Genesis. In his Comment upon St. John, Treat. 47. And in his Book of the City of God c. 8. And in several other places, but finding nothing to the purpose, I resolved to surcease all farther Theological Scrutinies. to say truth, my Divinity-reading has quite balked me; and I defy the whole Sorbon to tell me where it is. I also desire to know where that third party is, so much talked of in France; the dread whereof struck a farther stroke to the King's Conversion then that of Purgatory. Now I maintain that I find this same Purgatory, and this third Party are lodged both together at Nogent. Some there are that place Purgatory in Auvergne, where they have also confined the Count of Auvergne. But he is delivered from this ambulatory Purgatory at this fortunate juncture of time, when all the fair Rooms in Paradise are all richly hung, and magnificently furnished for the Sons of Strumpets. He has nothing but laughed at the overturning of his Coachman, and is ready to re-establish in that Sacred place those Amours, of which he was instructed in his absence. There are some other little Purgatories in France, but they make no great noise, because that pardons are so cheap there. The Grand Purgatory is then at Nogent, where the Count of Soissons at his Vestals fire, purifies his own Train, which is the Third Party; there where he hears talk of the joys of the Paradise of the Court, and laughs at them after the manner of St. Medard. Some Angels or Mercuries, such as Varenne, will visit him as they pass by: and they say, he will take leave of his good Lady, and return to undergo his full sufferings. The other imaginary accomplices of the Third Party, wandering thereabout, as being vagabond Souls for want of Earth and Bastions to inter them. They farther say that Nogent is a very proper place to play at Fiste-Cuffs in; and that the Third Party which constrained the King to his Conversion, will soon compel him to persecute the Huguenots, or to make his condition alternative. The Count of Lude, having sometime since taken me for his Chieftain, asked of me whether I did not think his fortune to be very good. When you ride Post, said I, do you take any pleasure in a Jade whose knees are broken? He answered me, no. Consider then, that when this great Captain quitted the Deceased King's Party, on purpose to turn Huguenot; and then left the Huguenots, for that they had seen him set his tail in the Manger at Courtrac, when he mutinyed against all the appearances of the battles, and avenues of the Duke of Parma, when he ravished Madam invisibly, he has a Cure for all these accidents, as having seven times clapped his knees upon the ground. Now my dear friend Monsieur Le Comte, would you lay your Saddle upon an overriden Hackney, with broken knees to boot? By such arguments as these have I seduced the Constable of the Third Party out of the Purgatory of Nogent. Laverdin would have thrust his Nose in; but they demanded money for his entrance; he told me he had made such a regulation in the first Army of the Third Party, that it should never oppress the people. And in truth I find that the Great Officers of the Exchequer and the Magazines have had leisure enough.  
To this purpose they quote me the Answer which the King made, when the Count wrote to him, that he lay there to pray to God. The King to be quit with him sent him word, That he would take care to the end his prayers might be the more perfect, that they should not want fasting. The Thunder of St. Denis was found to be too violent for a Purgatory-fire, and forced the Thunderer to surcease his Determination. The Tail of Bourbon, whom the Huguenots call the head of Marotte, and which Monsieur William never took for a man but for a shadow; This diminutive Priest turned over his Breviary, and met by good fortune with this Text of the Gospel, Non habet filius hominis ubi requiescat caput; and thereupon he said to Bellozone (he for whose sake it was reported, that my Wife is fair among the Asses;) that is to say, that my Brother has no place that holds for us. But Monsieur William opposes him, and says, that there are four places still left for the Third Party, places well protected from the fire of Heaven, Sodom, Gomorra, Adma, and Iseboin. The Author of the Visions of the said Master William treats very largely upon this subject. I shall conclude this Chapter, with a Remonstrance to the Authors of the Third Party, and of the third Place. Know then most zealous Catholics, that this Party is neither condemned nor absolved, as having done neither good nor harm, and therefore only reduced to Purgatory. Your misery is, that you are not authorised by men of courage, but only by such as call cowardice, patience. The Pope has not established Purgatory only by words. It was not your business to raise so many Disputes about the Princes of the blood; the Pope has settled Purgatory by fulminations, and you must have an Army of Thunderers for your design. He shows the Keys of St. Peter, as infallible Openers, not only of the Gates of Heaven, but of the purses of all Fools in general. There's a necessity also for the pains of St. Paul to be even with those that oppose the Decretals, and to establish the Third place. Thus when the Lutherans would dispute it out, they were made to feel the fire of Purgatory by burning them, that misbelieved it. When the Huguenots attacked the Spiritual Canons, they made use of the Temporal. So that upon occasion I have compared the Third Party to Purgatory which was only in Potentia. The other was never in Act, and indeed the Question is of no great Importance, witness— who at sixty years of age, married a young maid of twenty, of whom he grew as jealous as a Tiger, and of a most jealous old Fool was made a most Catholic Cuckold. Against which he used all the Applications of Hans Carvell. His friends ask him one day, how he came to play the fool so? After he had rubbed his Ears, and wiped his Fore head, scratching the hinder part of his Pole, with a downcast look upon the Evidences of his frailty; These Huguenots, said he, are the cause of my misfortunes. For in former times our Ancestors had a resting place to bait by the way, as they went to Paradise, but now these tatterdemalions have dismantled Purgatory, we must go directly to Heaven, therefore I got me thi● Hackney to ride now and then, as I saw occasion, but never dreamt she would hav● stumbled at this rate.   

CHAP. V. Of Justification by Works, and of other Acts of Merit.  
ACcording to this holy method of arguing points of Divinity by Similitudes, there is no necessity for all Christians to trust to the Intercession of Saints. For there are a sort of honest people and of very good fashion, who gain Heaven without it, by their own brave and good deeds; as by the taking of one Roven, to be made Commanders of Tholouse, Narbonne, Carcasson, and other places. Another to be made Governor of Orleans, Bourges, and the dependencies, another of Poitiers; another of the three Frontiers of Bretaigne. These are works by God's Authority, which have been justified; and without saying, ut mereamur, they have merited, or at least obtained general pardon and favour. They that wrought these meritorious deeds have guelt the public Exchequers and are justified thereby. Let the Heretics with their St. Paul preach Faith and Grace as long as they please, these with their St. James F.— St. James of Spain, have proved their faith by their works. Upon this ground it is, vain Huguenots, that we must not admit Justification of works to be difficult, after such works have been justified. They have obtained a Law, and this Law has been a Law of Grace; but when you shall have an occasion to require a Law, yours shall be so lean and meager, and got with so much trouble, that you shall be forced to confess with me, that there is a necessity of Impetus by works, and not of faith; you do not believe in the Pope's Indulgences. Now mark but the Indulgencies of a King, who is not a Pope, and we shall find that these good works which you make scruple to justify, are become so meritorious as to have gained poor Villars the Admiralty of France. Other Marshals, though they have no Mints of their own, yet can coin what money they please. And whereas other superstitious Hypocrites spend their time & their money to buy pardons for so many thousand years; these can show ye thousands of Crowns got in a few months. Insomuch that the payments of the merits of the League being cast up, the whole sum amounted to above seven millions, seven hundred and sixty thousand Crowns. More than this, these good works have extended their benefits and supererogations to others, who have taken lesser Towns and Villages under the chief Leader, so that the Followers have been canonised for the superabounding merit of the Commander. I do not bring into this rank, either Merceur or Espernon. They are yet to know more, what it is to trust in works. Now then let us see who they are that are so diligent in preserving their faith to their King and Country, believing That the just shall live by faith. These are they That do deeds worthy of Repentance, but not good works, not considering that faith without works al-a-mode is a dead faith. Whence it comes to pass, that some are starved to death; others attend in the low Court of the Louvre, mangled Captains, consumptive Majors, maimed Soldiers, wooden-leged Engineers, Spies and Discoverers, with their Stockings out at heels, that walk all together in the Switzers-Hall, and have nothing to do, but to exclaim against Madam Ingratitude in genere petitorio, non suasorio. Captains carrying the Basket, the poor Soldiers the Mattock; some showing their wounds, others numbering the fights they have been in; the Estates they have lost, some muttering libels, others modelling a Reformation, and others studying where to get a meal upon the Coin of Reputation. But some person or other will say, have not all these poor Miscreants by your relation toiled sufficiently? Tell us some of their works; I answer, they were works of Iniquity, in regard it is an ill thing to serve the ingrateful: And Limaille reproaching the King with the long continuance of his services, and his patience; and how he had rendered himself irreconcilable to his neighbours for having faithfully executed his majesty's commands, concluded his discourse with telling him he had not wherewithal to buy himself a Dinner: Ventre St. Gri, said the King, who was not wont to swear after the Roman manner, my Kingdom has been a pillaging for these so many years last passed, why did not you rob something for yourself? Rob as the rest do. Nothing, shows that works of that nature are not works; and by consequence unworthy of reward. The poor man continued to his dying day, and considering his condition, carried off the greatest share of the honour of the Siege of Amiens, where he died in the Mines of the Wall; and this is called doing nothing. He that would see this subject more learnedly handled, let him read the King's Apology, composed by Monsieur Catrier, then chief Minister to Madam. The King showed it me for the style of Madam de Rohan. An Apology full of prevarication, which Roquellaure hearing read, cried out, Mort dieu, They that wrote this, how much do they know of our business? Some there are who accuse La Ruffie, in regard that after a discourse concerning the humour of the King, which was to punish good Services, and recompense Crimes, he said to them that complained of his Majesty, you ought to blame yourselves not him. For since you understand his humour, if you expect rewards, you should do well to merit them by works worthy of recompense. After that, he speaks of those who have the honour to be a kin to his Majesty; and those he renders worse used, than the meaner Servants; which makes me suspect La Ruffie to be the Author of this writing, wherein he calls himself one of the King's kinsmen. Witness the speech that his deceased Mother made to Madam at Bergerac, I recommend, said she, to your care that poor knave, La Ruffie. You have more reason to love him, than any other; For the same reason that I have known the King your Father. So have many others besides you, replied Madam. To which the Perigordine made answer, so vostra gratia prou intendi so l'honordi die guard & de la Compania, Carnaument. Afterwards La Ruffie was honoured with the Office of a Spy at Chastellerault, where he did a deserving act, for he stole certain papers, and was made Counsellor of State, and Cuckold general under pay. He that desires to read more of this Story may read the Last Will and Testament of Salbeuf, a Gentleman of Gascognie, who though he were a good Catholic, accompanied the K. in his flight from Paris until the Siege, sold seven Horses which belonged to his Train, making known to the King his daily losses. At length shame drove him away from the Court. But the desire he had to die in his Prince's service, detained him in the Army, where he listed himself in one of the Companies of the Guards, commanded by his younger Brother. It happened that when the Cannons had ruined the shops under the Gate St. Honorè, this very person desired to be set the outmost Sentinel in the Ruins: whereupon, the King visiting his Guards, and his Approaches in the nighttime, the Captain from the corner of a house, showed him his Eldest Brother. The King seeing himself touched so to the quick, went away without speaking one word. Some few days afterward, this poor Gentleman having again tried the inclination of his Prince, at length o'ercome with grief and labour of body died; and though unlearned, made his Will; wherein he first begged pardon of God and then of the King his Master, for having served him in his Amours with Katherine de Luc d' Again, and several others; some of whom were also themselves starved to death with the Children which they had by the King. There was also much about the same time another Will made by the younger Son of the Chancellor of the Hospital, who having left his Estate, betook himself to attend the King in all his afflictions, and to stick to the Faith and Religion of his party, who thinking to have found a Sanctuary for his Errors at Quillebeuf, which of a small Village was made a Garrison, was shamefully repulsed and disgraced by the Sieur du Plessis. Thereupon pronouncing with his own mouth, the Sentence of his death, he called for Paper, and made his Will, which contained much of the same subject: but more openly and plainly detecting the King's secrets: but his servants, violated the last commands of their Master, and surrendered up the Copy, which as they say fully justified my opinion concerning the Justification of Works.   

CHAP. VI Of Miracles and Pilgrimages.  
THE Deceased Cardinal, of happy memory, in regard of his birth, as being of the house of Lorraine, understanding that the Marshal de Fervaques, of happy memory also, had discovered a young Girl, whom Belovet the Priest, otherwise called the holy man, had instructed how to counterfeit a Demoniac, or person possessed with a Devil, on purpose to make out a Miracle the Easter following; this great Prelate pronounced Fervaques guilty of a high piece of Impiety, saying, That though Miracles were false, they were useful to make out pious frauds: and certainly he did a very great kindness to the Country; for in a place uninhabited before, in three years there were built up above fourscore Houses, and fifty Inns, which nevertheless were not sufficient to entertain the Pilgrims that came from all parts, and some of them Personages of great Quality living in other Countries. Now, were there no other Miracle then that of the building of the Houses, the far spreading, and the long continuance of an opinion firmly and really believed without any foundation, methinks there is no Schismatic, but should confess it to be somewhat strange; and indeed this it is which mads the Heretics, to see the people inflamed with zealous intentions. True it is, that I would fain admonish the good Fathers that manage these things to carry their business a little more prudently and closely. He that taught the Demoniac of Laon to bid us labour the extirpation of the Heretics or Huguenots was a mere fool; for, as postel observes, That would seem to intimate that the Devil is the commander of our happiness. Therefore when Prelates design any such Inventions, which are not well laid, or well disguised, they ought to dress them up again, polish and put a value upon them, not by opposing them, as did the Bishop of Angers when two young religious Friars, full of zeal, brought him a young Lady, exactly instructed in demonology, who played her part so well, that she played the Devil for God's sake. The Bishop caused the Demoniac to be brought before him, and made a most nice inquisition into the business. He demanded which were the most violent signs by which they conjectured her to be so crammed with Devils. One of the Devil-masters made answer, That there were two things by which they knew the violence of her Torments; one was, if her skin were touched with any Cross, but especially one that were made of the Wood of the true Cross; the other was, by her bounding, and leaping, and yelling, and roaring, when any Text of the Gospel was read to her. The Bishop had then about his neck one of those Crosses of which we shall speak in the Chapter of Relicques. For his Father, from whom I learned the most secret passages of the deceased King's life, could not want Jewels that was so dextrous as he was, and so often entrusted with the King's Jewels. One of the Devil-teachers espying this Cross, pulled up the Maid's Coats, almost as high as her Knee, as she lay upon the ground, and desired the Prelate to touch her skin gently with the Cross. Upon which this wicked Bishop pulls off his Cross indeed, but at the same time slily pulls out a Key out of his pocket, and touches the girl's Leg; She, no sooner felt the cold of the Key, but she almost frighted the people out of their wits to see what Curvets and Capers she made. To make the second proof, the Bishop pulled out of his pocket a Petronius Arbiter, instead of his Breviary, and began to read Matrona quaedam Ephesi: With that she fell a foaming at the mouth, and wonder-working at a prodigious rate, but when the Bishop came to read placitone etiam pugnabis amore? The Devil, who never loved in his life, grew so impatient, that the poor Creature not able to endure his twinges, sounded away upon the floor: upon that, the Bishop, like a demi- Lutheran, said, he could not smother such an imposture: but he had not read an ancient Doctor, who says 'tis better to let people go on in their Superstition, then spoil their Devotion. The Bishop was well reproved for his rashness, so that he did not show himself so much a misbeliever to the second Demoniac that was presented to him, whose name was Martha, and brought by an honest Capuchin. She had two Devils within her, the one was called Belzebub, and the other Astarot. The first was a churlish, boisterous, hectoring Devil, a great Enemy to the Huguenots; he fought with all the World, and he had drubbed Monsieur Matros of Angiers himself, had he not taken a good Cudgel in his hand, crying out, Mr. Fly-catcher Belzebub, if thou playest thy tricks with me, I will swinge thee like a Devil indeed. Astarot was an honest Devil, young and gentle, who desired that Martha should be well treated and handsomely clad; in which Equipage she was presented to the Clergy of Angiers. The Clergy desired that these two Devils of quality should be first examined by the Church. One of the Judges of the City said, that it concerned their Honour, and upon the Examination of these two Spirits began to speak Latin, and then Greek; at that Belzebub began to be in wroth and told 'em, if they would, he would answer 'em as well in Greek as in Latin; but the Capuchin, to furnish the Devils with an excuse, replied, my friend Belzebub, you must know that here are Heretics in the Room, and therefore I advise ye not to speak at all. Then they went to posing of Astarot, but he excused himself by reason of his Youth. Belzebub made his excuse by saying he was a poor Devil. Upon that arose a great dispute, whether the Devils were bound to go to School. The Lawyers maintained, that it was proper in quarto modo for Demoniacs to speak all Languages, as he did at Cartigni in Savoy, who was tried in 16 Tongues: So that the Ministers at Geneva durst not attempt to exorcise him. They of Angiers were more hardy, who began thus, Commando tibi ut exeas Belzebub & Astarot, aut ego augmentabo vestras poenas et vobis dabo acriores. The second time he was more fierce, Jubeo ut exeatis super poenam Excommunicationis majoris & minoris. The third time in a pelting chafe, Nisi vos exeatis, said he, vos relego & confino in infernum centum annos plus quam Deus exordinavit. The Counselors were about to laugh, and to have discovered the fraud, but the people mutinyed, and the Bishop to make his peace, alleged that he had suppressed a Catholic Printer by Excommunication, who was about to print a book of Duplessis, and that if they pleased, he would excommunicate Hauttain of Rochel. That which is the greatest blot to the Reputation of these incarnate mock-shews is, that the affront redounds to our Lady of Ardilliers, there being a necessity for her Curate to cast out Devils by the power, and in the name of that good Lady, that scorned to stir at the name of God; which has mainly augmented the devotion and number of her Pilgrims. Some said, that this Miracle was reserved for precedencie's sake, to Friar Ange, Lugulis, Lieutenant to the grand Provost, and a great Adversary of these Fable-mongers, who would make us all turn Heretics; but if I believe 'em, quo he, would I were hanged. When I replied, that he did not do well to speak so plainly, he made answer; that there were two thousand Souls in Heaven, and as many upon Earth, that would answer for him, that he was no Huguenot: we laughed at him, and would not suffer him to raise the Huguenots blood, seeing so many lame, blind, deaf, leprous in mind, as well as body, flocking to our Lady of Ardilliers, and the whole Level full of comers and goers, who if they are not cured, it is for want of Faith, as Belovet told his Pilgrims. And therefore you are not to be scandalised, to see the diseased return as they came; for the operation of the Miracle never appears, till after belief. Upon which score that Priest persuaded some of the blind to say they did see, and some of the deaf to say they did hear when they did not. He had never a trick in his budget to help the crooked and lame, and therefore they had nothing to say, but only this, that they could not go at all before they were brought thither. According to that, Obedientiam expostulat Ecclesia. Or as Bernardus Ochinus says, That the Miracles of the Mass are invisible. He that knows not his Trade, must shut up his Shop. Could but the Heretics convert into Miracles, the Cures which are done at the Hot-baths, they would have a fine time on't, and therefore our people have dextrously canonised the foundations of Pougnes, and every where else established very passable natural Miracles. It behoves us to give a small sample of the Miracles of our good Lady, that shall endure to the Resurrection, by the notable story ensuing; Madam de la Chastre, being become extraordinary jealous of her Husband, and of one of her Daughters, reconciled herself to the Sieur de Montigni, to whom she had been an utter Enemy before the Wars. Neither was there any need of much invitation to recall him to her friendship, in regard he was very much a friend to La Marcoussi. The first office of Reconciliation was to kill La Berthelemy, the Discoverer of the Amours of the Father and the Daughter. And it was probable enough that the Murder would take effect, in regard that she had in truth combined against Montigni. After all satisfaction and content in the belief of the execution, comes post to the House, riding a straddle, Madam Avoy de St. Laurence of the waters, who after she had made the sign of the Cross, began the harangues of Nathan and David. Which being done, these two fair Ladies resolve after Confession, to go and do Penance at Ardeliers. Madam Avoye causes a new habit to be got for herself; the habit of Madam La Castre was put on by Suardaine, and she put on the habit of Madam Avoye: The Mistress called herself Madamoiselle de St. Lawrens, La Sourdaine went by the name of Celestine. Being come to Ardilliers, the Curate of the place heard the Confession of the Murder, with sighs and sobs: but at length it was concluded first by the Curate, and then by Celestine, that our Lady should repair this loss rather by a Resurrection, then by an Intercession. By which means it came to pass that the poor—— which was thought to have been buried, was raised again through the merits of the Curate. A most delicate Vision, when after nine days, Madam Celestine lying prostrate before the Altar; her Mistress, Madamoiselle St. Laurens, holding the Curate by the tail, that the Host (for there were no other Witnesses) should behold the plump La Berthelemie come from behind the Altar; who throwing her winding sheet to the ground came forward to pardon her Mistress, then habited like a penitent Sister; who presently fell upon her knees before the naked Soul, which she took at first for an apparition, but finding her entire and every part safe and sound, Madam Avoye ran to embrace her, Madam La Chastre kissed her; after that they interkissed one another, and the Curate kissed 'em all four. The main trouble was to cover the nakedness of the party risen, for the Pilgrims were out of patience to find the Doors of the Chapel so long shut: Thereupon Madam Avoye, and Madam La Chastre divided their own Vestments: Madam La Chastre gave her her▪ Petticoat, and Celestine gave her her Cap, and so they carried her, crying out a Miracle, a Miracle, to the curate's House, where Montigni lay concealed. He that would know the rest of the story, may see the Process in the Grand Council, which will not be cancelled this Shrovetide, whatever it be the next. The Heretics commenting upon the Story, say, That it was a Sheep which Montigni murdered, La Berthelemie herself had buried it in a Garret, and afterwards Madam de la Chastre, when she had danced the Canaries about the blood, and sung an I am revenged, La Berthelemie returned, and assisted to draw away the dead body, and so threw it into the house of Office. They say also, that it was Montigni who caused Madam Avoye to take Post, to scare that enraged Woman out of her house, to the end that while she was from home, they might the better send away La Berthelemy from Boyancy, and convey her to Saumur, where she might be useful to her Benefactor, after her Resurrection, in his Amours. They say, That the Curate of Ardilliers was paid in good flesh, which La Berthelemy provided for him during the nine days; but that he found Madam de St. Laurence and Celestine so lean, that he was satisfied with one meal. I could tell ye the whole Story, the Prisons broken, the Skirmishes between the Guards of Marshal de la Chastre, and the Lady's Pages, the Preparatives of Marcussi to poison his Wife. But the Secretary of Molier of Poictou has wrote a Relation thereof to celebrate the Miracle, after which I was satisfied that it went somewhat beyond the limits of Theology. I will conclude this Chapter with the Epitaph made at Ardilliers by Madam Avoye in the style of St. Innocent.  
Here she lies, yet lieth not;  
A Mutton in her place was put.  
Nor did Montigni, as they cry,  
Murder plump Barthelemie.  
That she was killed is truly said,  
Because she showed herself so busy  
To pimp for Wife of young Marcussi;  
But the Priest of Ardilliers  
Raised her sweetly by his prayers,  
When fifteen Months she had been dead.  
If you find this Sepulchre in any other place, the treaty of Miracles requires it at your hands.   

CHAP. VII. Of the Relicques and Devotions of the deceased King.  
ONe of the things which moved me most of all to contemn the Church, was to read certain books, which are utterly suppressed (heaven be praised) at this time, as the Book of the Merchands, the Christian Knight, Ransack and Fragments between the Pope and Christ. But above all, the Inventory of Relicques; with several others which I will not name, for fear of sending to read them Wits too curious of their Salvation, and too much inclined to reject the works of authentic writers. One day I saw an Austin Friar, with a wallet on his back, crying out, Will ye buy any Paradise. A Huguenot saw me scandalised at the passage, and took his time to show me all those little books which I forbid all persons whatever for the repose of their Consciences to read, who intent to live at rest and quiet in the Catholic Religion. It is known that I have been thirteen times an Ambassador, for which reason, as I have travelled at another man's Cost, I have been so ill advised, as to justify this inventory of Relicques, and another book entitled, Le Cousin mara vigliose del alma Città di Roma The wonderful things of our Mother Church of Rome, printed at the same place, Anno 1545. with Licence of the Superiors, by Giovanni Osmarino Gigliolo. This book confirms the Inventory which Calvin made. This I found in my Travels, and the reading of such books taught me to contemn the Relicques of Saints, finding 15 or 16 Bodies of St. Peter, 18 of St. Paul, seven or eight Bodies of every Saint, ten thousand Martyrs buried in the compass of a small Chest; the prints of the footsteps of our Lord, and the Angels; the prints of the Buttocks of St. Fiacre en Brie upon a stone. At Josse in Auvergne, in Catalogne and other places, a linen cloth of the Virgin's own fowling; when she might have made the same excuse that Rachel did. The feathers of the Angel Gabriel. The Hatchet of Joseph the Carpenter. The stones of the Window where the Angel entered. The Virgin's Milk: At Maillerais, in una parva pursa satini Rubri, the parings of her nails. Several heads of St. Denis and St. John; in sundry places some of his blood, which they say boils upon his Festival day; and the sneezings of the Holy Ghost. As I was a Heretic, I laughed at these things, and wondered at such a dissipation of the members of the Saints, especially when we reproach the Huguenots for having so far disturbed their repose, as they have done already▪ I am also to desire the pardon of Monsieur Confessor. For I must confess in good earnest in this Chapter, That I have laughed at the great blessings and benefits, which he caused to be printed the last year, for the reasons which the Reader shall find by what follows. I have strange stories to tell, to prove the virtue of Relics. For I protest, I had rather see the Huguenots laugh at the great power and efficacies of St. Goyaux, then publish such stories as these, were they not common to lackeys and Pages. For we ought to conceal the Vices of our Princes: but since they are discovered, we must seek to defend them by the authority of the Statutes of the Holy See. St. Luke was the first that discovered the Mystery. For he fled to Brovage, when La Sarbarante and the Angel, which he counterfeited, to terrify his Master and rescue his own Carcase, were discovered by his companion, the Duke of Joyeuse. Rochefort was too blame, to make the Anagram of St. Luke, Cats in cull. He poor boy abominated that sort of Villainy, and was absolutely forced to it the first time; the King causing him to take a book out of a Chest, the cover of which the grand Prior and Carmelle clapped down upon his Reins; and this they called privately among themselves, taking the Hare in a trap. So clear it is that this honest Gentleman was forced to the trade, and thereupon so terrified his Master, that he had either sorely repent or died for it, had not the Duke of Joyeuse discovered the enterprise, to prevent the utter ruin of his fortune. I do not think I do ill, to discover the story of the Tapistry-maker; for the King seeing him at the top of his two ladders wiping the dirt from the Candlestics, became so enamoured of him, that he fell a weeping before he went forth, and called out for Monsieur Le Grand to be sent for to him, who to him himself discovered the love of one eyed Reveillon, Captain of the Guides, who was laid hold upon, through impatience of expecting a young guide which he had promised; and those Amours of the Duke, and of Espernon, and He, when upon the very day of the death of the deceased King, he fell upon his knees in the Chamber, between the deceased King and him that is now living, before two hundred Gentlemen, and which is worse, the greatest part of them Huguenots, at what time he cried out, with tears in his eyes, Cousin, pardon me, for the King forced me to it at first, and I have not taken your place, to do you any wrong. Espernon ashamed, but better advised, replied, you talk like a Woman, I know not what you mean. Siblot at a public audience, the King having sent for him to make sport, and informed him touching Master— who to cause him to restore a Livery Horse, failed in his bargain, to tax him with so much violence concerning his Governor, but because he does not well explain his meaning, I shall say no more of it. However Loignac went away snobbing and crying all the way to Poitiers, where being visited by the chief of the Town, who thought him still in favour, he made them sad complaints of his Honour lost, and of his being turned out of Service and not paid, almost all at the same time. After came to light those of the Wife of Salettes, by means of a Letter taken, among the Baggage of the Duke of Joyeuse at Coutras. St. Severine, for this very act afterwards called the wild Colt, having escaped out of the King's Cabinet, by the overturning of Duhalde and Soupitre, who kept the doors of the two high Chambers, fled among the Guards to tell the Marshal d'Aumont, that the King had sent Montigni to find him out; and that he, joyful to be admitted into the Cabinet, made haste away thither, where the King demanding of him, Who that Mistres● was, for the sake of whose love he could never have his company, and he again replying in broken French, that if he had ● Mistress of Gold, he would serve none but hi● Majesty, the King made answer, I find yo● take the women's part, but yet you a●● not ignorant of the sacred and philosophical Love, who I, said St. Severin, I am ● Soldier, and no Philosopher. Here th● dispute ended. For at the same time th● Master laid hold of his Codpiece, Montig● flew to his neck, and Monsieur d'O. to h●… points. Now they run after the poor Gentleman to appease the Guards, dissatisfied with his Hat and his Cloak. The worst was, that the old Frenchman had like to have killed him, after he had heard his tale, Swearing he'd be hanged if this were true. More than that, he must to Prison. That imprisonment completed the Tragedy. He was kept close for a Month, and some say longer. True it is, that afterwards he surrendered himself to the Duke of Mayen: but those of Paris not believing this story, took him for a Zopyras, and sent him to be kept in safe Custody at St. Germans de Prez; and some few Months after that, he was slain, together with two or three hundred Gentlemen more, attempting to regain the City. Stories like these, and many others were brought by the Courier of the Duke of Longuevile, from whom the King demanded the other Packet, before he had seen that of Papier; after which he returned with his post-boy to carry the news of their actions into Picardy. The Constable's Courier made the same complaints as far as Languedoc, above all things complaining of the Count of Mauleurier who produced him. But his Master reprehended him for boggling at a small matter, and sent him back again with his pacquets. Is not this enough to satisfy the World, that these secrets were not divulged by me alone? Should I relate what the Prince of Conde privately told me, when they spent a whole night highly pleased in the Apprenticeship of the Count of Avergne to his Navel. Or should I relate the banishment of young Rosny, for being ill supplied: Or of Noailles for having written over his bed these Verses, 
No happiness, no good contents me,  
That from my Deity absents me.   
To which the King of Navarre added with his own hand.  
ne'er exalt my Aunt so high,  
She loves too well Humanity.  
By that, a discovery was made, that he loved women, contrary to the Rules of the Holy Love, which caused him to be kicked out of doors, like the Duke of Longuevile, for requesting his Colours of the King by a Letter written in guilt Paper. Should I relate the Espousals of Quelus, and that other Contract signed with the blood of— and Monsieur O. by which he espoused Monsieur Le Grand. Should I rehearse the words of that Prince, kneeling by the body of dead Maugiron, with his lips where they ought not to have been, I should displease the Count of Curavas, who having lent them his Chamber, spied them through a hole in his Cabinet. Should I discover the door which the Constable made at Tolembray, for his private converse with Le Grand, Men would blame my too Satirical humour: should I relate what was told me by Le Pont, how he was taken by the Choler, at a time when Le Grand was impatiently expected, who durst not pass by, for fear of the Duke of Espernon, who walked in his way, with his Hat pulled down over Eyebrows, & Sword his in his hand, swearing like a Bell-founder, There was no passing that way to day. Did not the young Deputies of the Estates of Blois, make their complaints to the Provinces that sent them, That they were sent only to be abused in their Chastities, as the only means to corrupt their Fidelity? But to draw advantage from these things thus divulged, I say, and I know (for my services gave me the conveniency of access) that the King having conceive a wonderful dread of these things in the time of Sarbatane, became so fearful, that he trembled at the least flash of Lightning, or at the least noise of Thunder. Monsieur Roe, cured him of the greatest part of this fear, with an Agnus Dei blest by the hand of his Holiness. But after that, he changed his fancy from active into passive, and grew so timid, that he was afraid of the whistleing of the very winds; and then the good Prince stood in need of more violent remedies, and by the counsel of Father Ange, who grieved for him, and showed him, how he had committed Masculine Incest, because he was Brother to the Duke of Joyeuse, they laid the foundations of the Capuchins, Jerosolimites and Fueillants, a sort of begging Friars that wear brown habits; where you have seen the D. of Joyeuse in his Glory, and whither, as they say, he intends to return, when he finds himself fully glutted with the pleasures of this World. Notwithstanding all which, the devout Prince, being not yet quit of his fears; several Fraternities of Penitents were erected, and other pious Orders which are to be seen up and down in France. But the exquisite artifices of the Voluptuous heightened these fears, when Monsieur Confessor lent his helping hand with more potent Annulets. He sent from Rome for Chaplets, and blessed beads, which the King presented to the Fraternity of the Cabinet, being advised to practise their pleasures athwart the said Chaplets; which was afterwards also practised in the public Stews of Paris to preserve them from the foul Disease. Monsieur Pinars affirmed to me, that a Jesuit confessed that he approved of the remedy, and because some of the sacred band had been too severely wounded in their Chamber-Wars, that the Mass was added, which an Almoner read upon a board which was laid upon the Bed of the Cabinet. A holy Mass no doubt, whose Ornaments were accommodated to the Sin: as the application of a Cross made of holy wood to the shoulders; Fomentations of the Chine, and Clysters of Holywater, beads, which they call blessed, other wise profane trifles and fooleries. We have heard how about 20. years since the Convent of Franciscans was burnt at Paris, by fire from Heaven: but we never heard how that the King having found it out, that those Franciscans were dealers in Sacred Amours, and that the Relics of St. Francis and Father Mace served them in the same stead as we make use of Laurel against Thunder; thereupon the King made the Guardian his Confessor, upon condition that he should purloin those Relicques, which had not been long in the King's Cabinet, but the Convent was fired, juxta illud 12. tit. 7. Fulgura de sursum depellit. The same Guardian also taught him that that sin was no sin in the Habit of a Franciscan, and committed with a good intention to be conformable to St. Francis, and Father Macè, his Mignon. For which reason they into whose hands the King's Prayer-Books fell, have showed their familiar friends, the names of all those that are mentioned in this Chapter, and at the end of the said Prayer-books, the names of those he could not bring to his bow; among the rest Chastillon and Chambret, the first with his sleeves thrust back, to show his plump white Arm, and his Motto, non pro amor, ma pro vendetta; Not for Love, but for Revenge. This is a kind of a secret, but not such a one as felt that fatal clap of Thunder, which in a clear day, at one of the Clock in the afternoon, in the view of five hundred Gentlemen, and as many Swisses, and with no more than one single clap, broke into the low Chamber of the Count of Soissons, where Monsieur Le Grand, and he were at their belov'd Recreation; and two others upon another bed; and parted company, killing two and leaving the third at the Window half dead; in this more memorable, that the lightning entered the Criminal members, and issued forth behind. And here observe the advantage of adorning the hair like a person in Orders; for the two which escaped had both the Pope's Chaplets upon their heads; but they that were killed had none. I suppose that the fifth, who lay like one half dead for two months together, had lost not above half his. Thus you see the Experience which authorises Relicques, and take notice that you shall never see any of the Brethren of the Sacred Society without Agnus', Crosses, or Chaplets about their Arms. To the purpose of Relicques, that wicked Count of Rochefoucaut, dining one day with the Queen's Maids of honour, who pecked at him by express order, and asked him for some of the fine Relicques which he had plundered at Towers in the first Wars, he replied, That he had made them all away, looking upon them as gewgaws and trifles. But they being importunate, at length he promised them, that upon condition they would all come and kiss him, he would give them one of S. Katherine's Waistcoats, that should make their breasts as hard as when they were Maids. For my part if I do not make such a stir about Relicques, or do not worship them as others do, you must excuse me; for going one Evening to Bosnis, two Leagues from Orleans, which is the seat of the Masters of St. Lazarus; I was strangely surprised, to hear in the morning as I rose, so many little Bells about the House, as also to see the Banner, and the Cross, and a great number of the Canons of St. Agnan in Orleans, and not only so, but to see as many Banners and Crosses, as could possibly enter into a little Gallery leading to the House of easement. The business was, a young Girl belonging to the Chevalier Salviati, grand Prior of the Order, had found certain Chests, which in the time, of the Wars had been thrown into the Privy. As she was picking them open, to see what she could steal, in one of them she found a little box, upon the which was written R. d. Coti. The Commander being advertized thereof, made haste to the place, together with his Secretary Valderio, who took the R. with the Print, for the Father of St. Katherine. Thereupon strict charge, was given not to touch the box upon great penalties, and the Master and the Man, went both to the Bishop of Orleans. The Doctors, and among the rest Picard, being called to consultation, the result was, That this box was to be opened by the Sacred hands of the Bishop only, assisted with the Neighbouring processions. Thus they came one morning, and after a Mass of the Holy Ghost devoutly said, the Bishop washes his hands in holy-water, makes three steps to the Coffer upon his knees, opens it and there finds a Box of good Marmalade of Orleans; and thus as Prophecies are never understood till they are fulfilled, they found that R. signified the Remainder, and d. C. of the Cotignac.   

CHAP. VIII. Of Vows.  
MR. Peter Foncet, a Gentleman Preacher, he that when Monsieur d'Espernon taxed him for making people laugh, made answer, that he caused many more to weep. This honest man, one day preaching among the Mathurins, made a long discourse upon the miseries of the Chartreux, that they fed upon nothing but fish, of others that fed upon nothing that ever had life, of the Capuchins that wear nothing upon their feet, of the Fueillans that are so poorly clad, & vivunt in diem; of the Friars Ignorant of Italy, who dare not presume to know any thing; of St. Anthony's Porkers near Roanne, and the Penitents that whip themselves. This Preacher caused abundance of people to weep; and from all those Devotions, and austere Vows drew this argument, That if the Romish Religion were false, men would never keep Vows so difficult and uncomfortable. I invited the said Foncet and Renardier of Bretaigne to dinner▪ where we brought all his reasons to the test; and that fool Renardier put the other into a great heat, telling him that those austeritics of Vows and manner of living, were rather marks of a false Religion, then of a true. Witness, said he, that the Sacrifices of men were forbid to the Israelites, and observed among the Gentiles; and those mad Codsheads in Turkey, the Caloyer, who all the year long wear no other covering for their nakedness, than Nets. Only they carry in their right hands a great Razor, with which they make a new stream of blood, when the first begins to close up▪ and as to their fasts and abstinencies, that from Wine, which is enjoined to all persons, is the most difficult to be observed. When they fast they neither eat nor drink. As to their Pilgrimages, where do we find so impetuous a devotion as that of the Pilgrims to Mecca, of whom there are many, who after the hardships of a tedious journey, and the sight of Mahomet's Sepulchre, put out their Eyes, as unwilling to see any thing profane, after the sight of a thing so holy? Afterwards he alleged the strange zeal of the Calignois, and how we might find in the Grand Temple of Mexico, the walls besmeared with the blood of Infants offered to the Devil by their Fathers and Mothers, and this blood above two fingers thick, through the whole inside building; which I have heard confirmed by the Franciscans of Mexico, and others. Renardier concluded from thence, that all such inventions were very fanatical, or rather diabolical, which enforce men to such hardships. Thereupon this good man Coxcomb fell upon Antiquity, and I cannot tell where he picked up his learning. Do you not know, quo he, that the French and English Druids sacrificed upon certain days, and accounted those Sacrifices most acceptable, when they put men to the most cruel deaths? The Carthaginians took the Children of the most Noble Families, put them on Royal Apparel, and sacrificed them; neither were their Parents permitted to rescue one, so that being vanquished by Agathocles, out of an opinion which they had, that their Gods were angry at the discontinuance of such Sacrifices, they knocked o'the head above 200 young Gentlemen for the service of their Altars. The Rhodians and Cretans were wont to make their Victims drunk before they offered them up. In Chio and Salamine they tore men limb-meale to sacrifice them to Diomedes. The Arcadians whipped their Damsels to death. The Spartans' did the same to their Children upon the Altars of Diana and Mercury. Others made a great Pen of hurdles, and filled it up with men, of which Theopompus was one. The Thracians slew their Victims with Lances at the Altar of Tamelus. Some of the Germans and Burgundians caroused blood at their Sacrifices. The Persians, Greeks, and some of the English, buried their Sacrifices alive. I will not stand to repeat several other abominations practised upon Boys and Girls; and other follies committed by the Corinthians and Bretons. I say therefore that these austere and cruel Vows have been in all Ages a great part of the worship given to the Devil. From thence Renardier betook himself to his Theology, quoting in the 16 chap. of St. Matthew, the words, My yoke is light, with several others, and told us withal, my Masters, quo he, the best Vow that we can make is to St. 
* The Madman's Saint.  Mathurin, for I assure ye that the wisest among us is but a fool. All the World did not know Renardier; he was one that would speak the truth to the deceased King, who desiring to have his charges defrayed by his Marshals of the Camp, told him one day that he did more than God; for he said, by the labour of thy hands thou shalt live commodiously. But you, said he, let your Marshals of the Camp live more then commodiously, by that labour and calling, of which they understood nothing. At last Poncet was in a pelting chafe and replied, that he discoursed like a Huguenot. The other went on smiling, and began to spend his raillery upon the Pythagorisms of the Chartreux, and other honest fellows, among the rest, he did not forget Mr.— Neither did he omit to tell us that Mr. de Bouchage, being weary of the King's scourge, and imprisoned between four screens, made his Confession to one of his companions of the buttock-trade, who having heard of the violences of the Cabinet, persuaded him to forsake the World, and urged it to him withal, that if he would undergo a Capuchin's life for some time, he doubted not but to see him Pope. This is that which the Cunning-man Raoul has confirmed to him, and you shall see, said Renardier, that from hence in time he will return thither, mark a fool's Prophecy. Poncet and I laughed at him: which made the good man very angry: well, said he, you are a couple of as naughty Companions as Marshal Byron who scoffed at poor Friar Ange, when he went to act the Passion before the King at Chartres, causing himself to be whipped and carrying a Cross, that would have weighed down Goliath. There, was Monsieur de Montpensier enquiring who was Master of the Ceremonies of this Mortality. Sure 'twas not he that flung away the spigot of his Gascoigne Wine because that Monsieur Babelot told him it was fit to be the blood of a Martyr. 'Twas he that to get a good gobbet, went to hear Vespers among the Austin Friars. The Marshal thereupon drawing himself aside; this widgeon, said he I warrant ye fares well below the waist, though paradventure he may miss of Paradise. To whom the Duke returned, by St. Slash-back, quo he, this fellow plays well, but that his Music is a little too sharp. It was a Cantle of Earth, which he had rubbed off from an Oven as he drawled his Cross along for which the Baker was not forgetful with a good pelt to make him sing Lacrimae. Such as you were those devout Bishops of Lyonnois, who called a Synod to reform the Custom of St. Anthony in that place. They are obliged to make eight meals to show the frailty of Mankind. There were some Jesuits, Friar minors, and certain young Bishops, who made smooth and long Harangs, to show that such Constitutions might be altered habita ratione temporum. And that what our Ancestors had formerly done with a good intention, was at this day ridiculous. But to all these reasons the sub Prior of St. Anthony, who was a great snoarer, made answer only with one grave and remarkable Sentence; Let us not intrude Innovations upon our Age. They began again a very fair speech against the scoffers of this Age, but the sub Prior with four Chins retorted, le, le, le, le, let us— Hickup— take care, etc. But you'll say that under the umbrage of Devotion many great follies are committed. By St. Anthony I know it well enough. But it is none of the Church's fault. Who has exclaimed more than I against the King and his Minions; who had like to have told i'my Pulpit the following Story?  
The King falling in love at Lion with the Wife of the Sieur— The bargain being made with the woman by the Count of Mauleurier, the next thing was, how to cajole the Husband out of the way; so jealous, that he refused an honourable Employment, and a profitable Commission, as to the Salt of Peccaise to boot. Thereupon he applies himself to a Franciscan, Confessor to the jealous Husband, declaring to him that the Chief men of Lion had their Eye upon this poor man, as looking upon him to be a Heretic, because he was not of the Fraternity of the Penitents. To the point answered the Cordelier; Sir, I am no such fool to suspect you of Devotion. Speak to me in the Language of St. Francis, and you shall find that the Franciscans are good Companions. By all that's virtuous then, replied the Count, we have a private kindness for his Wife, and there are thirty Crowns for thee. To which the Franciscan, get ye gone, quo he, like Lords as ye are, and leave the business to me. Six days after that, you might have seen the poor Gentleman in the Vestry preparing to carry the Cross as the youngest Novice. In the mean time the King, the Count, and Clermont d'Entragues go to play their Game; and in a short while after they saw through the Window of the Chamber, the Procession and the Cross-bearer, who in the midst of his devotions could not choose but have strange Whimsies and Imaginations in his head, which so intoxicated his Pericranium, that he fell in a Swoon before his own door. Thereupon the Procession stopped, to change the Cross-bearer. There was now a necessity to open the door, and to hide the three Adventurers in the best manner they could, in a small Compting-house, Where they had been in great danger, but that the Franciscan and one of his Brethren overruled the devout Cuckold, that it was a religious duty incumbent upon him to carry back his habit to the Vestry. Who has exclaimed more than I, against the deceased King, who carried the names of his Minions in his prayer books, illuminated with the light of St. Francis? Did I not know the Duchess of Guise and Nevers, who carried Roquemont and the Baron of Fumel, painted in the Crucifix both in their Prayer-books and Cabinets; and they their Mistresses also in the same manner like the Virgin Mary? But you other Heretics, you do ill to blame the Church for this. I broke the design of Poncet by saying, that the invention of Habits and Prayer-books is no way guilty of ill Customs. But to reimburse ye both, for your unlucky tales, I will tell ye one spick and span new. What was the reason, think ye, that the Count de la Chapelle forsook the World? Whuh! said Renardier, that was, because the Cardinal of Florence fooled him, and promised he should be Pope. With that I shook my head; Why no said Poncet as well as Pope— who was taken up at the door a poor boy, because the Cardinal's she-monky fell in love with him? Some say she loved him for the number of Lice he had about him. However it were, being once well cleansed and furbished up, he pleased his Master, was afterwards advanced, and called Cardinal della Simia, and last chosen Holy-Father. At what time the College checked him, that he had made a Beggar, and an ignorant Fellow, Cardinal, he replied, 'tis but the same that ye found in me, and if he live to be old, 'tis that will make him Pope. The reason was this; His Mother being weary of him, partly because he was troubled with the falling sickness, and for that she found him a fool, but chiefly because his Maiden Brother began to grow ripe, she therefore sent him into Italy, and gave him Father Jeronimo for his Confessor. He knew so well how to pick the worms out of the nose of this Calf, that he made him a Confession of such sins as I am ashamed to tell ye, for the expiation whereof, he made him believe there was no other way, but for him to forsake the World, and devote himself to the Church. I know, said Renardier, more than you dare say. I once heard at the Window of the Stable of St. Denis of one who importuning his Companion to tell him whether the Count de la chapel were a coming? this answer was made, I know no more than I can divine, who had his Maidenhead; whether his Father or his Mother, his Uncle or his Sister But to the purpose; this Vow being as severe as the Penance for his offences, as that which Aretine describes in the person of Master— His Mother believing she should die for grief of having born him, devoted him to be a Cardinal in humility. This is he upon whom Pasquin jokes; What has the Cardinal done, has he left his eleemosynary at the Hospital? At length Monsieur Poncet grew weary of the discourse and told us if you, and other sort of Huguenots, had not come athwart us, we had taught the deceased King the value of Vestments, shave and secret Vows. For we had put him in the great Chartreuse, being fortified with good Bulwarks instead of Reasons. We had Habited him like the Ingles in his prayer-books. We had changed his Crown for a shaved Circle, and to bid ye Good-bye and end our discourses, we had answered his motto, 
* The last Crown in Heaven.  Manet Vltima Caelo, with a Distic that was assixed to the Dyal of the Palace.  

Qui dedit ante duas, unam abstulit, altera nutat;  
Tertia Tonsoris nunc facienda manu.   

Once two Crowns were thee designed,  
But the Donor changed his mind.  
One he retook, and this doth shake,  
The next the Barber is to make.   
Farewell Gentlemen, I am sorry to see ye make such ill use of pious works. Thus Poncet took his leave, but Renardier stayed to make an end of his story. This is the reason said he, that the Bishop of Xantes is one of the best Companions in the world. There is also an Abbess in the Suburbs, whose Convent is more like a Court, than a Religious House. Where with Maubusson's good leave, at the Siege of Pontoise, there lay no less than eight godly Virgins sick of the Crinkums', and five newly brought to Bed. Let it not offend Longchamp nor Mont Martre, that this place was called the Magazine of the Engines of the Army. Nor let it offend the Trinity of Poitiers, Vilmur of Albigeois, Lys, the true Seminaries of Children in Red Coats; the Abbey of the Holy Ghost, the Nunnnery whither Suresne brought Fervaques some few days ago, and told the Abbess, who is her Daughter, that she ought to show the honour of her house to the new Duke and Peer; his design being only to debauch a young Religious Nun, which was the real cause of their journey. In half an hours time Suresne returned and whispered her fellow-traveller in the Ear, Go fall on, Mortbieu, the Slut has put me to some trouble, but the business is done. Hast makes waist of the body, quoth Fervaques; for I have played two Acts with the Abbess. How? She's my Daughter: Then I am your Son in law, said the other. The Abbess of Xantes is inferior to none of them all, for Gallantry, Courtship, and Mascarading. And in a word, there is nothing acted there, but what is acted at Court. Only sometimes the Bishop and the Abbess steal abroad to some remote and convenient places; and then the Nuns fall to their Orisons, in regard that Monsieur and Madam are gone to perform works of Charity. Every one was much concerned what pious works those should be: But the Prior of Pont l'abbè having discovered them one day, wrote to Monsieur de Potonville the following Lines.  
The Bishop and Abbess of Xantes  
For their works of piety, Saints,  
Are often in private together:  
But a Nun more witty then either,  
Made a hole in the Wall,  
And there she spied all.  
She was paid for her peeping,  
For now she knew more  
Of Piety-works then ever before.  
He concluded with the answer of Verville touching so many piles of building for the entertainment of Franciscans, Jesuits, Capuchins, and the like; to prevent the folly of men, that let fools put out their eyes.  
You Huguenots that so severely frown,  
And all our Monasteries would pull down  
Should Knaves and Fools change places tell us, you  
Whether you would not think 'em then to few   

CHAP. IX. Of the several ways of Angling for Men.  
WHatever St. Peter did, his Successors have strangely altered the course of his Vessel. For all the while that the times of darkness continued, the Church of Rome has fished in the fire. They have not spared for Wood, by which means, they have consumed the bodies of them, who were too apprehensive of the fire of Souls. The Converters of these times made it their business to convert the Soul by terrifying the Body, or else by converting the Body into Cinders. When day and light appeared, and that fire began to be out of request, than they fell to fish in troubled waters; and this they do in all times of troubles, and then several persons exiled from their houses fell into the fisher-men's Nets. When the water ceases to be troubled, they fish in the calm, and then they never spare for unguis odoratus, which the Druggist's of Italy furnish them withal. With this bait were taken the more weighty sort of fish, such as were the Marshals of Montmorancy and the Cosse. After that, they lay their baits for the larger sort of fish, so was Antony King of Navarre caught by Rovet, and Lovis of Bourbon by Limeul; but this latter being a strong fish, and feeling himself in the Net, broke the meshes, and so escaped. Some there are, that are destroyed by following the Dolphins; such are the Dogfish, Barbels, Macquerel and all the lesser fry that follow the Court, who following their Master, enter with him into the belly of that profound and vast Whale, the Church of Rome. The little fry is caught with more labour, while they are put to force them out of their lurking holes by beating with their long Poles. By this means, there is ne'er a small Parish in France, where the Huguenots, beaten out by good and holy intelligence, more than others, are not forced into St. Peter's Nets. The Winters of affliction cause several to remove to the Springs of Honour and Greatness, as the Courts of Rome, the Emperor, France and Spain. By this means, we have caught in these later Seasons several haughty minds, impatient of meanness and poverty, and among the rest La Morlas, who not being able to reconcile the lowness of his Birth, and the greatness of his Courage, removed to those Springs, when the Huguenots were in a low condition. And also to draw advantage from others, he made use of a new artifice. In that somewhat resembling the nature of the Dolphin, but only in the event. He carried his Believers to the dispute with Monsieur Confessor. He admonished them first to take a care of him, as being a dangerous impostor, and exhorted them to stand firm; but afterwards suffered himself to be caught in their company. I saw him one day bring to the line of the Net the little Baron de Courtemer, to whom he gave his hand sidelong in the middle of the dispute, and cried, Courage, my little Baron; however we ought to consider what Monsieur Perron says. Thereupon with an artificial and sanctified prevarication he suffered himself to be vanquished after a dissembled resistance. I myself have several times been disintangl'd out of the same Net. Monsieur de Chastillon was informed by his Father's old Servants, That the design to bring him to Court was, as well upon his Body, as his Conscience. Monsieur Confessor, one of the best Fishermen that has belonged to the Church, has more luckily than others observed in these Seasons, the way of fishing with the Line: For he has got a trick to put the worm so far on upon the hook, that the fish is caught before it has swallowed the bait. Witness poor despond, whose bait was laid for another, and who having sacrificed his Soul for the Church, has been so wickedly gulled, that before he died, he saw his Children go a begging, his Wife in the Stews, and himself in the Hospital. Witness poor Cahier who gaped after the Abbey promised him, but saw nothing but the Walls and the Steeple. The Holy men of former times fished with Preaching, and baited their hooks with Salvation. But now a days we suffer that sort of coin to grow rusty; for the fish is too much awake, and will not be caught by licking the mud. Dandelot cost little, for he was taken with the hand, and that was a riddle to the good Companions. I will say this moreover in a word, for the prudence of Monsieur Confessor, that he fishes best in still waters. Not such waters as despond caused to swell at M. de Guerres: but because he has an eye upon those whose Families are going to rack; like a Pond that drains itself through its own Sluices and so becomes dry; as it happened in the case of the Baron of Salignac, when his Wife converted him. Some are caught by the foresight of such accidents, like myself, that I might fish on in still waters. Monsieur Confessor has taken the pains to come and fish and preach at St. Merry, in the face of the people: there where they take Frogs sleeping, there he preaches like a Deacon to a Subdeacon; His Brother and some others of his Apostles have a seat laden with good Liures just before the Pulpit. They open the bags upon the quotation of passages; they tie them up again as fast as they can to awaken attention. But this great Personage is so full of talk, that the greatest part of the auditory sleep three hours together, and get terrible Colds; and so the faculty of Theology becomes very profitable to the faculty of Physic.   

CHAP. X. Of Transubstantiation.  
WE cannot say much upon the point of Transubstantiation; for it is more difficult to prove than pronounce, though the word be somewhat of the longest. But as Monsieur Confessor says, confessing that it was an absurd point, yet it ought to be debated for the honour of the Church. Though not to dive too far into the will of God, he forbid me to read the most part of the Ancients, especially St. Austin l. de agone Christiano, c. 25. De Praesentia Dei ad Dardanum. c. 17 in Psal. 33. & 34. In Evangel. Johannis. tract. 27. ad Bonifac. Epist. 23. In Sermon. Infant. l. 3. de doctrina Christi. c. 9 & 16. He also forbade me to read the rest not corrected by the Index expurgatorius, and taught me to insist upon nothing in this dispute but Omnipotency. Now therefore hear the arguments which I have picked out of my own invention. Wherefore cannot we change and alter the substances of all things in the name of God, seeing we do the same thing in the King's name, whereby we see such strange Transubstantiations and Metamorphoses performed every day? The sweat of a miserable Labourer into the fat of prosperous Partisan and Treasurer? The marrow of the fingers of a Vine-dresser of Gasconie rejoices the heart of every one, and fills the belly of a Parasite. The tears of the Widow ruined in Bretagne caused Santory's Wife to grow fat. The blood of a Soldier slain, to chase Espernon out of Provence turns to Hypocriss. The Host of the Rose at Bloise we find now transubstantiated in M. Bussy Guibert. The Imposts of France have transubstantiated the Plough-fields into Pasture, the Vineyards into waste land, and the Husbandmen into Beggars; The Soldiers into Thiefs, with little or no Miracle; The Plough-joggers into Gentlemen, the Lackeys into Masters, the Masters into Lackeys, the Horsemen into Halberdiers. The Courtesans of Princes are transubstantiated into Women, and Women into Courtesans. Panders become Marquises. Varenne has undergone such Transubstantiations would make your hair stand an end. Pardon Morlas, if he seemingly believe Transubstantiation; He who in his Cradle was changed from a Bastard of Sallette into the Son of a Butcher, and from that time bred up by the alms of the Churches of Pau; afterwards a Scholar at the Queen's charge; from a Scholar he became a Minister and Spy upon the Huguenots of Paris, from a Spy a Gendarme, from a Gendarme a Disciple of Perron, thence a Pander, so a Traitor, and last of all Proveditor General. Who can reckon the notable Changes of Lansac Laverdin, the Marquis de Bell'ilse, Monluc and Balgagny? The deceased Bishop of Valence, who believed nothing of Transubstantiation, what would he have said to have seen his Son de Champis a Captain, from a Captain a Sovereign Prince, from a Prince a Poltroon, from a Poltroon an Exile, from an Exile a Marshal, from a Marshal a Cuckold, just such another as Marshal Vulcan? But that which convinces me more of the truth of Transubstantiation is the Proverb, Know thyself. When I consider how many times I have been myself transubstantiated, from a Sholer to a Counsellor, thence to an Ambassador, thence to a Bankrupt, thence to a Coney-catcher, thence to an Excise-man, thence to a Colonel, Captain, and Constable of Petty Chalons. It had been also a fair argument to prove the wonderful Transubstantiation, had Prince Maurice been as quick to contribute the 400. M. Crowns, as they of Bearn and Geneva were the 10. M Crowns for the hire of my third Conversion: But let that pass, only let me tell ye, had I been Earl of Burgundy I had paid my Swisses in salt. We have seen the lower Hall of the Louvre changed into a Comic-Stage, from a Comic-Stage into a Tragic; from a Palace Royal, into a place of Execution, when Precedent Brisson and his Companions were there hanged. To which I will only add the example of the Duke of Merceur who from a petty Prince, became the King's Brother in Law; from thence Governor of Bretaigne, from a Governor a Tyrant, from a Tyrant a Duke, and in his own fancy the Terror of France, and the hope of Spain. And indeed he is so transubstantiated, that the new Proverb of Spaniards calls him, The scorn of France, the shame of Lorraine, the disdain of Bretaigne. He is neither Duke, nor Tyrant, nor Governor, and he that had been Victorious in Battle, has suffered that fair Fortune to go to Ruin, without the shot of one single Pistol; only one Escape which he let the other day in cold blood, in the presence of the King.    

THE CATHOLIC CONFESSION OF THE Sieur the SANCY. SECOND BOOK.  

CHAP. I. A Dialogue between Madam Mathurine, and young Peronne.  
I Have lately received here, such an odd piece of Divinity, that methinks I cannot but for shame stick it in among the rest, because it looks so all of a piece. 'Tis a very modest discourse, that truly considering the times, may very well pass muster. By the contents, you will find what a strange sort of cattle our careful and provident Mother, the Church, employs to bring men back into the broad Road. Dame Mathurine, that Mad Girl, was coming from Madam de Monlukes, where she had been tutor Vignoles, and met with Perronne going thither to perform the same Office. He blushed to see Mathurine, and stroking his bald Pate, thus accosted her. Well met, Madam; I hear you boast about the Town▪ how you have converted St. Marry du Montalto  Math. 
Who told you this merry news, my good friend?  Per. 
By my troth, 'tis very probable— you are, indeed, a dainty She-Divine.  Math. 
'Tis very true, where men are to be converted by Smock-learning. And now I think on't, don't you remember, that he engaged to meet me this night? With that, I went to carry the joyful news to your Brother, and as good luck would have it; for 'twas somewhat early i'the morning, who should I meet but Madam de la Cour just tripping out of his Chamber?  Per. 
Hold, my dear brisk Madam, hold a little; you do ill to bespatter so renowned a Prelate and Father of the Church.  Math. 
Why Sir,— such delights and innocent sports as those don't hinder the work of Conversion. Besides, La Chesnay is a witness; for he going to visit him, as I did, a little more early than ordinary, saw fairly in the Chamber the accoutrements of a certain female among the sanctified Garments of thy Brother in Orders.  Per. 
Pray leave off these giggling stories; I shall be angry else at your impertinence. I don't say, but that Msr. de St. Mary gave you a promise; but the day before I had made a handsome progress i'my undertaking: For the day before that, I had caused three whole Porters loads of Books to be sent in to the Lady Marquis' Lodgings.  Math. 
Think you that I am ignorant what game you were at instead of disputing? But I would have you to know too, that 'twas I that first tickled his humour; 'twas I that played the same Ledger-dumain with him below the waist-band, as I did with you when we were first sweet together: I taught him to be a good marksman, and to swim without water▪ Thou didst not so much as speak with him till two months after that, at least, and then you were forced to wait wi'your gravity, when I was still sent for, and circumspectly ushered in.  Per. 
Truly your Introductions were very Ceremonious— but can any man imagine, that with the air and levity of a Courtesan, thou shouldst be admitted to talk of such a difficult matter as Conversion?  Ma. 
And can you imagine, by that silly invention of yours, of interpreting the familiar Epistles of Cic. to become familiar with him? I have heard La Brosse the Pedagogue say, that when he was Regent of the third Classis in Burgundy, he would have lashed his boys, if they had not translated better.  Per. 
Do you think I have taught him nothing else? He was at first a mere Novice, and a blockhead— I have taught him to cite the Fathers, without ever reading them; to quote the Councils which he never saw. I have not only taught him to chop Logic like a Sorbonne Mountebank; but to talk of State affairs; to admire the great Kingdom of Spain, and to propose projects of Government according to the humour of the Church of Rome. Instead of naming the Pope, I have taught him to say his Holiness. Instead of calling the King, the King, I have taught him to say— His Majesty. Before he cried— plain Little Roche, Zamet, Varenne, as if they had been mere Dwarves, Lackeys, or Turn-spits. But I have taught him to say Monsieur Varenne, and to snarl out the r. with a grace. He began to laugh, when I told him that to speak otherwise was a piece of High-Treason. But I showed him how that unmannerliness only befitted morose Antiquity, and that to honour by halves the Darlings of a King was below the Politeness of this Politic Age. I have taught him also with his right forefinger and his left Thumb to thunder out Maxims of State, to disclose and complain of distempers of Government, to nod his head and cry mark the End on't; to accept of a fair proffer, to mind his fortunes; and to season his discourses with the true terms of Art; as for example, To have a jealousy, to ambitionate, intrigue, to take his measures, and the like,— the true Phrases whereby a man may be judged capable of business.  Math. 
A Coxcomb you mean— I confess I have not taught him so many scraps of State— Gibberish.— But I have taught him all his Clockwork Motions to a hair— to walk as upright as a Gentleman-Usher— to bow often— and not to laugh without a serious cause— I gave him the Postures of Monsieur Le Grand— I taught him to turn his heels inward— to walk in State like a Goose— to shrink up his shoulders— to give an admiration— start— to screw his head gently a one side upon dislike— all the quarter and half quarter Motions of the Al-a-mode scrape— to laugh a one side of his mouth— and grin like a Dog when we give him Garlic— to speak i'the Throat— to comb his Periwig— at least while his friend speaks— to cry by my faith— hay— instead of plain by my faith, I have taught him, and that quickly too, all the knick-knacks of Admiration— as Jesus! drawled out— But that you say it, I should never— well— He!— Ave-Maria!— When he meets any of the painted Ladies of the Court, to make a stop, and cry— how beautiful you appear to day; Madam! fair as the new blown Rose and then to discourse of the colours of her Ribbons according to Art, and not to take notice how ill they become the Rotten Harlot. I have taught him to dissemble like the Court Marquesses, who are scarce worth groats a piece— I have taught him to pull his hat down upon his Periwig, though he wear his band without starch, as when high Collars were in fashion. I gave him six of these bands the other day, that reach down half way his back, and as many pair of Cuffs, that turn up to his Elbows.  Per. 
Truly you very much obliged him— For when he went the other day, to dine with the Marquis of Beuvron, after they had washed, the Marquis d'Arly, sneering at the strangeness of the Vision, took one of his Cuffs to wipe his hands instead of a Towel. But I have taught him more serious Lessons; as to guests betimes at such as are creeping into favour; to cry, Monsieur, twenty times in forty words; to pretend modesty and respect, and to withdraw into a Corner; to Compliment the Servants of those that the Sun shines upon; and not only the Servants of Princes, but also of the Counsellors of the long Robe, as— D'Aubeville, and Caumartin, men learned in the modern laws; who know how to manage a Court Cause, and to take a Dinner at the Chancellor's by way of return.  Math. 
Do you say, there is nothing in the motion of the hand, not to order the folds of the band, according to the mode? Are all the Mops and Mows of Fecan nothing? which caused the Marshal d'Ancre to call him the fair Egyptian, and the only Minion among the Beautiful— In short, I have entered him; for which he seems to be so much indebted to me, that he curls and turns up his hair like a very Narcissus.  Per. 
Go— go— by St. Denis, you are a mere bawd— In a word let them dare to say at Rome, that you have converted St. Mary. What will the Huguenots say?— They'll say, that to bring Whoremasters to the great Whore of Babylon, bawds are the only decoys.  Math. 
How long, dear Brother, have you been a despiser of the Trade? How did you get your Living, before your Brother came to be a Bishop? Have you forgot your frolicks at the University with the Booksellers, and Chandler's Wives? I could name ye twenty, that have hired ye for fifteen pence a time. But now since your Brother has set ye a Horseback, and hung that furred Cloak upon your shoulders, now all your attempts are upon Counsellors and Precedents Ladies— as if thou were't aiming to be Pander General to all the Courts of Parliament▪ and so by degrees to the Court itself. Why should your ambition seek the Ruin of Madam Tillet, and myself▪ by taking away our Trade? She brings forth only to get Credit; and I, that am a poor Maid, had need to make use of all my parts. A my word— if Madam du Tillet once give ye a blow o'the shins, there will a scar remain. I hear that the Queen has already said to the Marchioness of Guercheville, I understand this Perronne begins to delight in Ruffianry.  Per. 
By St. Francis, thou art a foul mouthed Baggage, I care not a fig either for du Tillet, or Tignaville either— How dar'st thou speak to me at this rate, thou that art a common Prostitute to the Footboys, Pages and Swissers? Thou that hast sent Le Pont de coulay and Engoulevent to the Surgeons already; and in short has hanselled Vignoles also, under the pretence of conversion. Thou that hast got a Horse to thy green Velvet Gown, as a reward for the maidenhead of thy little— offered up to Monsieur Le Grand? I name no body. Thy very skin is parched, thy head scorched with the flames of thy Lust: Thou art a mere Carcase above ground— Hence to the Devil— Thou turn'st my stomach to see thee.  Matth. 
How! ye stale fornicator! Sodomite both Active and Passive, Does your Church preferment make ye grow saucy? Don't I know that thy Brother sold thee to the Lust of the Abbot Tyrone? Shall I publish to the World what I know of thee, and of thy Amorous Godfather, and then reckon up as many Sodomies, Bestialities, Witchcrafts, and Poisonings, as are mentioned in two books called L'Abolition de la Fin, and in the Legend of St. Nicate?  Per. 
Mortbieu, Don't let me lay my hands on thee— If I do— I shall tie that tongue of yours.  Math. 
Do and ye dare— Tom Totty— there's Flamberge will pay ye off— don't venture upon me neither, you know I have been shot through the thigh already, and am a piece of a Soldier.  Per. 
I know thou hast been a Soldier, as having marched with the Regiment of Picardy. But why should we play the fool and upbray'd one another, that are both of a feather? Be satisfied, that I am the person that has converted M. St. Marry. I did it by the Arguments of Visibility and personal Succession.  Math. 
Thou art a liar— For he answered thee, that If a Visible Head were needful in the Church, there would be required also a Visible Holy Spirit. And to thy argument of the personal Succession he replied, Where should be then all the Bastards, seeing that the Priests were none of them married? But I surprised him— having lain two or three nights at St. Martin, to understand the arguments of Dr. de Cahier. I taught him, that Cain sung Mass, and offered up the Sacrifice of the Altar, in the person of Abel his brother.  Peron. 
Murrain take him— there's a foolish argument indeed— does Cahier pay his Hostess with no better coin? Have not you been playing the little man?  Math. 
Not I by my Virginity. He must sweat once more—  Per. 
I mean, have not you been helping him to blow the soft fire under the Eggshel, with you know what in it, together with the Crimson Silk, and the Magician's choicest Diet, the little Mandrake, etc.  Math. 
Indeed he showed me in his Closet, that which they call the work of the Creation, but stay till thy hair be grown, and then we'll speak more of that.  Per. 
Thou wilt do me an injury at one time or other in my Visits to the Princess' Palace. But as to thy argument; were it true, Judas, the Jews and the Murderers of Christ had been the predecessors of our Priests. But I stopped him and put him to a nonplus with an infallible argument. For quo I, do you believe the Pope to be Antichrist?— Yes— said he— Then said I, This Antichrist is to sit in the Temple of God, which is his Church: Therefore the place where the Pope sits is the Church; and the Church, that cannot err.  Math. 
I remember you did argue thus learnedly with him, and that he was mute; but at night he told me that it had very much perplexed him, that there was no other way to prove the Church of Christ, but by the Kingdom of Antichrist. To which I answered him with another argument, invented by Bonniere, or else by Guedron, and Gouroy, who have converted him.  Per. 
Oh! I confess that might well be— for he chose rather to cry peccavi, then take upon him the superintendency of Chartreux.  Math, 
Pray give me leave to speak— The Huguenots say that the chief of the Church of Rome are Thiefs, and such as pray upon the poor people. Now the Text says, My House is a House of Prayer, but you have made it a Den of Thiefs. Our Church is a Den of Thiefs, and therefore that House of Prayer of which the Text speaks.  Per. 
By St. Dominic, I must needs tell thee thou art a acquaint Slut— The reason is profound and good; and of the same nature with that which is concluded upon these words, The Scribes and Pharisees sat in Mose 's Chair. Now our Works and Doctrine show us to be both Scribes and Pharisees, and therefore we sit in Moses' Chair. But to pay thee with thy own coin, I will tell the another argument which I keep a purpose for Vignoles. To prove that St. Peter was at Rome, we cite his Epistle, where he sends his Recommendations from those that were with him at Babylon. Now we cannot deny to the Huguenots, but that Rome was thus called, especially in the Revelations. Seeing then that Babylon is Rome, St. Peter of necessity wrote from Rome.  Math. 
This Reason may serve with the help of Monluke— Well— convert as many as you can— I'll do my endeavour— I hope to debauch some of your brother Apostles, as I have already done by the Trumpeters of his praises, La Bross and Beau Lieu— I will give them such variety of dishes, that they shall talk of my Conversions, as they have begun at the Lady Constables, at a Dinner, where they declared, That I had more inclined St. Marry to be converted, than your brother, the Master-worker of Conversions. Alas! men are tired with expectance. Thy brother was promoted by the Encomiums of Abbot Tyron; but no body is promoted by the Recommendations of your brother. So that they have very fairly told me, they will cry him up no more. Wherefore has not he satisfied them, since they were hired to cry him up?  Per. 
As for Duret, the Devil's in his tongue; He was so impudent one day at the Arsenal, as to say in my hearing, that he would never Dine where the Abbot and my Brother were, if the drinking Glasses were not marked, because the one was rotten with the Neapolitan disease, and the other with the Leprosy. 'Tis a brave World, when such smell-feasts as He shall compare themselves with my brother. In my opinion they deserve the same sharp rebuke, that the Count of Tonnerre gave to Beaulieu, who talking of a Masquarade, cried ever and anon; the Counts of Soissons, Auvergne, and I. Whereupon the Count of Tounerre put him in mind of the Fable of the T— S. We Apples also swim. My Brother is none of their friend, nor will he ever assist them to unravel this yarn. They shall not swim together, because the Count has commanded the Captain of his Guards to cut off his hands, and cast him into the River. Thereupon he went to the King, and upon his knees besought him to give him a Grant to commit a murder, which was to be done the same day the Grant was made. Was it not a cursed piece of Impudence to report, and write in Rhyme doggerel, That the King and Monsieur Rosny, to save Charges, were about to dismiss the Comedians: Thomas 'tis true indeed that the King, out of his particular inherent, wisdom, has bethought himself of a neat shame for the poor Players. For he has threatened to suppress them, unless they will admit him in without paying; which liberty he has also attained for Madam Marchioness. So that now they say they have a Play every Month which costs them nothing. But notwithstanding all this, this Varlet Duret (perhaps he aims to be Treasurer himself) still advises the King to put the Players down, telling him, That he has a complete Company in his own House. That he had for a Captain Vpance Vitray, well peppered with the distemper; The Count of Soissons, who plays the Doctor, when he reads his military lessons like a Schoolmaster, at the door of his Closet. He says the King has provided among the rest, that the Italians shall act Gallows take thy due— being already like to starve; but there are Camp-masters and Captains in the lower Court, who are as able to act that part as they.  Math. 
In good faith, thy Brother would do well to show 'em the way at a distance— He had little to do, to discontent Sallette, & another of his Apostles, for that Strumpet Condel. But he cannot endure a companion, and therefore he cannot endure himself. And so you, because you have got a little Latin by surprise, cannot endure that I should share with ye, in the Conversion of St. Mary Mont.  Per. 
If there be any difference between us two, the younger ought to submit to the elder by right of Nature.  Math. 
Take heed of establishing that maxim, and advise your Brother likewise; for the Huguenots would make a wicked advantage of it. Don't you know very well▪ That all the Catholic Ceremonies of Calicut, where the Church visibly adores the Devil, are like the Ceremonies of the Roman Church, both in respect of their Monks and Nuns, their auricular Confessions and Fasts. Nay their chief Priest is likewise called Papa, having also a Papal Crown which has not one nail less than that 〈◊〉 Rome. The Jesuits excuse it, by saying that the Devil is God's Ape upon Earth But the Huguenots on the contrary maintain, That the Pope is the Devil's Ape, fo● that very reason which you have alleged because the Devil is eldest.  Per. 
Speak softly, the Devil's a fool. Se● yonder the Baron of Salignac.  Math. 
'Tis all one, he's one of my choice Fathers.  Per. 
Proselytes thou meanest, dissembling Hypocrite as thou art. So,— he is gone by; sometimes he curses himself for having been converted, and at other times he never minds it: I would not for twenty good Pistols, that he had overheard us; or any other. who was not well resolved in his mind. Thou hast call●d me Pimp, and I have called thee Whore, which is the more honourable of the two? Who would think that such Doctors are fit persons to recall revolters from Heresy, or to save Souls that are in jeopardy of Perdition.  Math. 
For thy part, Pimp-major, as thou art such a one, it is a thing without example. In reference to myself, it is not so, who as I am a good honest insinuating Whore, may promise myself better success, for such a one was Rahab. There's a precedent for ye. Rahab the Harlot, thou know'st received and saved the Spies of Israel. Thus have I done; I have saved M. St. Marry, who though he were no Spy of Israel, yet acted as one of the King's Spies among the Huguenot Israelites.  Per. 
Give me thy hand— I am thy humble Servant; and if ever I hear any body scandalise thee, and say, that thou hast given St. Marry the foul disease, I will tell 'em, no,— thou hast it still i'thy own custody for them, if they please.  Math. 
Go too, say thou hast found a Mistress of me— Good morrow— I'll go and repeat all our discourse to Guedron.   

CHAP. II. Of the reunion of Religion.  
IT being a task of great difficulty to destroy the opinion of the Huguenots by Disputes, we have designed what is more probable, a reunion of Religions, by the discoveries and intelligencies of the gained Ministers: but of six that there were, there are five dead, and one banished. Without doubt there would be no great danger for them to quit several Theological Tenets, provided the authority of the Church and the Pope remain entire. The reason is plain, for that they having submitted to the authority of them, they might easily afterwards lose their arguments by virtue thereof. And when our Jesuits made opposition to several Articles, which the other were willing to grant, they did not smell the design, in regard that some of them aimed rather at a civil War than p●ace of Conscience. Now you shall see what we, of the other Club of honest good fellows would have had the Romish Church let go. First, That the obedience should rest in the French, provided they dismissed some of their Drolleries which caused the people to laugh, as the beginning the Mass with an etc. and other absurdities, which are distinctly and sutly discussed by Bernard Ochinus in his Treatise della Natività della Messa. As to the Ceremonies, take away the most ridiculous, and for the rest, make answer to what Bernard Ochinus says, That it is the Lord's Supper disguised, and clogged with Ceremonies to make it appear more holy. Next, that the Priests should be permitted to marry, and to leave their Wives when they grow irksome. In all cases to make use of the holy Decree, and its liberties, as you find it in the Canon, is qui non habet uxorem, loco illius, etc. It is notably said in the Rubric of the Decree, Quod qui non habet uxorem, loco illius debet concubinam habere. Ita nefas Episcopum creari nisi saltem unius Concubinae dominum. Distinct. 34. qu. 9 per de var. stud Vol. l. 4. sect. 5. Villavinceni ibid. c. 4. Were these privileges rightly observed and established, he were the son of a Whore that would not be of the Church of Rome. Then we would abolish all Fasts, unless it were to the poor, and the sick; dismiss the Terror of imaginary Purgatory, yet without any injury to the mediation of Saints, for fear of ruining the Church. I do not without reason advise the abolition of Purgatory. There is nothing has made so many Souls very curious of their Salvation at their latter end, as the story which follows. A Priest when he comforts a sick person, tells him, That the pangs of death are the entrance into the Gehenna's of Purgatory; A Minister teaches him, that they are as the pains of Childbearing, that lead into eternal life, and builds his argument upon this Text, This day shalt thou be with me. I will boldly say, That the Index expurgatorius ought to take notice of this passage. Now the relish of these two differences of dying, has caused several good Catholics to renounce Purgatory upon their death beds, where the hopes and fears of this world give way to those of the other. We would have allowed them for their Markets, Wednesday and Saturday, Lent and Vigils, but that Policy has otherwise ordered it, and thus we had made a perfect peace with St. Paul in the 4. of the 1. to Timothy. This is also a forgetfulness of the Index. Also we ought to withdraw these marks of the Faith, of abusers, of Preachers of lies, Hypocrisy, and the Doctrine of Devils. Calvin could not have said more. That no person read St. Paul, till the agreement be made, and firmly signed, and the pensions of the consenting Ministers well assigned. At the same time the other Church shall reassume their Pomp, their Music, their Dance, great Feast, and the vast Revenues of their Church. These Ministers I would they might keep their Coaches, Hounds and Hawks. We would have established a free Liberty, especially to expel that troublesome Discipline that has lost us so many good people. We would not have accounted for sins, simple Fornication, nor Adultery for love, according to Cahier in his learned book, upon the re-establishment of Bourdeaux, and his admirable dispute upon the 7. Commandment. I say the seventh, because we have released the second, which the Council of Trent would needs take away. For this 7. Commandment, which is, non moechaberis, forbids the sin only to the Children of Onan, in regard that according to our modern Theology 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 is derived 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, quod est humidum fundere. It had been a brave Religion, which had rejected what was irksome to either, and had established what was plausible and agreeing to both. Every one had been received and satisfied, no one excluded. I know the Aristarchians will oppose my good intentions; but against them I say, First, that the Church ought to have its arms open to all sorts of people. Now the expulsion of vices or incoveniencies is no reception. The Huguenots cry, That the Church is only of the elect; but this is too severe. Secondly, I would fain ask these sowerlings, whether they would be wiser than the Apostles, who desired to enter Judaisme with honour? You see in the Epistle to the Galatians, how M. St. Peter, conformed and complied like a complaisant Gentleman to the humours and infirmities of the Jews. St. Paul reprehends him; but Friar giles said, he might better have held his tongue, then spoken so many things that smelled of the Faggot. But let us also examine what our Holy Fathers said, when they went about to give Paganism a decent Funeral. They taught us to paint our Lady after the ancient Model of Vesta, holding little Jupiter in her Lap: the Trinity, like Medius— Fidius. They have brought in the Cornival instead of the Saturnalia; Twelf-day instead of the Lupercalia. The first of May belonging formerly to Cloris, they gave away to St. Thais, canonised for that purpose. The Pervigiliae are solemnised at Beaucaire upon St. Magdalen's day in commemoration of her first Life. The Courtesans have a Mass particular to themselves, which after they have said, they betake themselves to their Callings. Candlemass, what is it but the Februaria of the Ancients, when they lighted their Candles. Their Feast of St. John answers to the Palilia in honour of Pales, goddess of Sheep— What the ancients call●d Supplications, are no more than our Processions, especially at Poitiers, where they go in Procession to request water from the Naiads; and at Paris La descendente de la Chaste de S. Geneviesve is the same thing. In imitation also of ancient Gentilism, instead of their Lustral we have our Holy water, and set Bread and Wine upon the Graves of the deceased: of all which things honest Benedict one day said, Ista Paganismum sentiunt. In the same manner the Institutors of our Ceremonies, have not been ashamed of the most ancient leudnesses of Antiquity, as having adored the Garden God Priapus in several parts of France. Witness St. Foutin de Varailles in Provence, to whom are consecrated the secret parts of both Sexes, formed in wax. The Chapel is well furnished; so that when the wind blows a little brisk, it causes no— small disturbance in the devout thoughts of those that come to honour that Saint. When the Huguenots took Embrun, they found among the relicques of the chief Church a Priapus a l'antique, which had been unseemingly coloured with red Wine, with which it had been often washed: of which Wine the Women afterwards made a holy Vinegar, for uses altogether as strange and absurd. When those of Orange ruin'd the Church dedicated to St. Eutropius, they found another of the same kind, much bigger and more naturally set out; which was publicly burnt by the Heretics. There is another St. Foutin in the City of Auxerre; a third in Verdre upon the Confines of Bourbonnis; another in the Diocese of Viviers, in low Languedoe, called St. Foutin de Cives; another at Pontigni, to which the Women resort, when they are with Child, or desirous of Children. Thus you see how our Doctors have made Paganism and Christianity accord. It became them either in the name of God, or of some body else, only to unsow, and not tear in pieces like those hotheaded Ministers, who desire the purity of Christian worship. I find Riviere, the King's chief Physician of a better humour than these people. He is a good Galenist, and a very good Paracelsian. He says that Galen's method is honourable, not contemptible in the cure of diseases, but exceeding profitable to the Shops. The other, provided you follow the true precepts of Paracelsus, is an excellent Method for truth, suttlety of knowledge, and thrift. Therefore he deals by his Soul, as by his Body: being a Roman Catholic for his Profit, and a Huguenot for his Salvation. Monsieur Gervaise, Philosopher of Magne, goes higher: For he maintains that all our Wars proceed from want of Grammar. For had we followed Grandem Matrem, we had spoken well; speaking well, we should be understood, and consequently agree; for we never fall out about discourse, but because we do not understand one another. His first rule is, That we should make a great abatement of Financiers, who are the participles of interjections, to silence the exclamations of the Pulpit: as also of several Nouns and several Adverbs; as Corporally, Transubstantially, Carnally and the like. This brave Blade boasted that he knew more of the state of Religion, then Bisouze, or his Footman, or M. de Royan, Ambassador at Canada. But yet to fortify my design more strongly by example, Roquelaure said, That he who refused to put all differences to the determination of three throws of the Dice, as Bridoye, aught to shut up a dozen of Doctors, and as many Ministers in a Room with Victuals for one day; but not to let them have any more, till they had let down by a Rope out at the Window their final determination legally and firmly signed. The Curate of Eschillets said, That that would be foul play, in regard the Ministers are accustomed to live upon little or nothing. As for his part, because he would not concern himself in troubles, he set all things to right in his Parish; so that when they brought him a Child to baptise, he asked of what Religion the Father and Mother was of? If they cried, we are of the Religion of our Fathers, than he whisked to the Altar half dressed, and began, Adjutorium nostrum in nomine Dei. If they said, That they had the knowledge of God by his Grace, then placing himself at the back of a Chair, and laying his hands upon it. Our Saviour teaches us what our first beginginning is; Poverty, etc. If it be a Marriage, after the same question demanded, he either falls to his old Adjutorium, etc. or else— God the Father, after he had form man. This was a man of a yielding temper, not such a passionate Son of Thunder as Friar John Bonhornme, who let a loud F— for very madness in his Pulpit, crying out upon the Conversion of the King, Courage,— my Parishioners, the Heretics are confounded, they dare no more call us Papishes, nor eat flesh in Lent before all the World. They shall make holiday upon holidays; They hang their heads like Bulrushes, while you exalt your horns, and flourish like the Cedars of Lebanon. And thus you have my own sentiments touching the Union of the two Religions.   

CHAP. III. Of the Causes that moved me to my second Reformation, which was my third Conversion.  
DAniel, as he says in his own book, prayed with his Windows open, with his face turned toward the East. Oh! how I saw Monsieur Confessor, triumph one day upon this Text. In truth, he's a wonderful man, when he finds a Text proper for his purpose. Therefore, said he, as Daniel when he prayed, turned his face toward the rising Sun, so it always behoves a man of Virtue to address his Devotions to the rising Sun, to growing greatness; and to turn his tail upon them that are sinking into disgrace. I made little account of the King after the feast of the Barricado's, but having made a quick judgement of his prosperity, I veared my Devotions toward the beams of that fair rising Sun, who having dissipated all Clouds, got into his hands all the forces of the deceased King, and brought the League to lie at his feet. I returned from Auvergne and the confines of Italy, where I understood that the common Themes of the public Disputes at Rome were the Comparisons between the King of Spain and France. Those Figure-casters found by their art in Geomancy, by Prophecies, by the fatal name of Bourbon, that this Prince was born to change the Hierarchy into an Empire, the Chair into a Throne, and the Keys into Swords, and that he was to die Emperor of the Christians. The Venetians adored the rising Sun with so much devotion, that when a French Gentleman passed only through their City, they ran after him with the same ardency, as the Frantic Dotterels ran after Rablais' Pope, crying out, have ye seen him. Upon the Gentleman's affirming he had, the best of their Painters presently drew his picture by imagination, and so soon as the first picture was finished, the Gentleman was publicly treated. And after their Grandsigniour-ships had stood staring upon it, with their Chaps four fingers asunder for a quarter of an hour together, the Painter was paid to his heart's content, and the Picture hung up as safe as St. Marks. The Court of the Emperor, and Poland rang with nothing else but public thanks for putting the Empire into such happy and victorious hands, and nothing but reunion of Religions, or a toleration of all, was in every man's mouth. Much talk there was of bringing Italy to this, that the King of the Romans should be really so, and not merely titular. And for the reduction of the Pope to his Bishopric, the Duke of Saxony caused several Sermons to be Preached before him, upon the similitude between David and this King; honoured and rewarded those that were more in favour with this, than the former King; and sent a chain of Gold as far as Zurick to the Author of Carolus Magnus Redivivus. This high lustre of Reputation seconded with so many warlike exploits, what did they not promise from this Prince? had he made use of the divisions already created between the Muscovites, Poles, and Swedes, the Transilvanians, and the Emperor; and well knowing the infirmities of the King of Scotland, the several designs in England upon the old age of the Queen, the revolt of Ireland, the decrepit years of the King of Spain, the ambition and suttlety of his Daughter, the small reputation of his Son, the designs of the Princes of Italy to recover their liberty, upon the declining years and affairs of their Tyrant. The Court of the grand Duke open to the King; Caesar of Ferrara attempting the succession in France, which he saw beginning to fail. The Duke of Savoy disputing about the accomplishing the Articles of his Marriage. La Bresse lost; the rest almost ruined by Les Diguieres, and ill succoured by their own. Above all things, the preparations of the Turks, mainly distracted both the minds and forces of Christendom. These Occurrences designed the King for the supreme Head of Christendom, in regard that all people believing in their hearts, that this King was acceptable to God for the purity and sincerity of his Religion, prepared themselves either to suffer or follow him. At the same time I also began to think of throwing off the Pope's yoke, and so bring all Benefices without Curates into the treasury at War, by changing the Order of Priesthood, into the Order of Knighthood. This was to be done, by putting into the Prince's hands four times le Peron, without the expense or hazard of Convoys. I came to Court big with overtures, full of advantages, to be a partaker of such great expectations, Master of such a Treasury, and a good Servant to my Conscience by the same means, which was the chief consideration. Judg. now, Gentlemen, if this change of judgement were not maintainable. In truth I was not sufficiently versed in the Cabals of the World, the infirmities of Princes, and less in the grand interests of Councillors of State to uphold the Diana of Ephesus.   

CHAP. IU. An Apology for my long stay among the Heretics.  
MAnifold are the considerations by which I was allured to a Religion once already tasted and followed, whence I was thrown out by the miseries that attended it: which miseries seemed to be permitted to afflict a poor Church, which instead of Militant, took the course to become Triumphant. Some light of Salvation also enticed me; and whoever has at any other time experienced such combats of the mind, will excuse me for having considered and paused a while before I resolved. But having withal seen at a distance, what a leap I was to take, I took a resolution to assist the Catholic Party, assisting my Master to jump the first frisk, that the Servant might be the less ashamed to follow him. The question was, how to weaken the Huguenot Party; and to bring that to pass, nothing more conduced then to undermine their two main Pillars; the first of which, was that distinction of condition, by which, under the Law of Truces they were separated from our Politic Regiment. The second was that difference of Religions, which it was requisite to render less, that it might be afterwards utterly annulled. We had a touch at the first of these, when the Huguenots lived in full prosperity, when very unhappily they concluded, That having a King and a Protector in one and the same person, these two qualities were inseparable without the loss of the thing. Upon this point we dispatched away that M. Busybody du Fay, deservedly a deceiver, and as deservedly deceived; as appears by his Will and Testament, wherein he confesses, That he had betrayed the people of God, to raise his own Fortune. But we are forbid to speak of that Will. He having a smooth tongue in his mouth, & impudence enough upon his Forehead, in a month's time he sent the Mass where he pleased himself, put down all the Chambers of Justice, caused them to quit their Treasuries, taught their men of War to dispute concerning States, to acknowledge none but the King, who having obtained that point, soon after laid the Protectorship aside: for finding the name of Protector too weighty for his shoulders, he buried it near the King's, at the door of St. Denis' Church. For the bringing about these fine preparations, to all those who demanded of Fay, his particular Commission, Du Fay for answer, showed the Key of Madam Martine's Love-letters, which he said, was the key of the Seals of Nature. Some malicious Huguenots endeavoured to oppose this conspiracy; the other Huguenots, either out of simplicity, or being brought over, call the War the Horn-war, and accuse their Brethren to the King. So that now the whole power rests in one man's hands. Their Judicature and treasure fall into the hands of Madam Formality, by which means we withdrew from them in a little time, the strong holds of Clermont, Joynville, Chasteaudun; and in Lorain, Stenay, Ville Franche, Dan and Beaumond, Chavigni, Aubena, and several other places. Thus I may safely boast to have given the most considerable strokes toward the undermining the Rampart of this distinction. For the second, God rest the Soul of the deceased Morlas; For if he and his Companions had acted their part as well for the business of Religion, as for du Fay's Estate, there had been no Huguenots in France, but such as were good for nothing but to be burnt: for the Huguenots of State, or of the Sword, which you please, had made up their pack. Yet we endeavoured, to astonish the more Godly, to have gained the proudest and most stately Six of their Ministers; who had sworn, that being chosen for the dispute, after they had boasted very high, they would make use of a Holy prevarication. That it might not be so, my Master Rotan, whispered me in the Ear, as he was going to the dispute at Nantes, that he would do like Otho, when he killed himself, that is, he would quit all his particular Interests to save Christianity from utter Ruin; but he was taken with a fretting in the Guts which prevented him. His Second was not so honest as he; He had prevailed with the Huguenots to choose him in all affairs, and he was generally precedent. He had proposed the Question among the Synods, whether if the Church of Rome were not the Church of Christ 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, or at least 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, we might not be assured of Salvation therein? And this was the loophole out of which, the King and many others crept. He caused the word Papists to be left out of their Prayers, when they mixed them with Infidels, and taught the young Ministers to speak mildly. Judge now throughly, good brother Catholic, in the midst of these holy Exercises, whether I have been an unprofitable servant to our Religion. Had I been as Impatient as Cahier, or a solliciter of Assignations, like Serres, I had never procured in the name of the Huguenots, the Election of the Chamber. I had not had the Credit to send away Choupes, before the Parliaments rejected him. For that old man had been invincible, had he not thought me very zealous. I know not who it was that went about to bespatter the Dialogue of Rosny and Revel; I am sure I was ready to die for fear, when I read my name there. For had I been discovered by that Divine, as well as by Morlas, I had lost my credit for ever. It was my Invention, during the Assemblies of the Huguenots to dispatch ten men into their ten several Provinces to sow the Darnel, which has so advantageously prospered there ever since. They had all their dispatches under my hand, and were the rather encouraged to go upon that design, believing me to be of the same Religion with them; especially Source, an ancient person; de la Cour, that has made so many excellent Sermons, and Marmet of Nerac. He, though we had mortified him by a tedious Famine, protested he would neither have accepted my money, nor taken my Instructions, but out of his assurance of my piety at that time. I taught the sprucest of the Huguenots this Lesson. Tarda sunt quae in publicum postulantur, privatam gratiam cito mereare, cito accipies. Do thy own business, and let the public alone. I do not speak of those Aphorisms of State which I taught little Bisouse, his little Lackey, Lomeny, Mainville, and M. de Royan. So well it appears, that I did the worst I could; like them who are afraid in the Siege of a Town; before they leap over the Wall, they scare their Companions, what in them lies; and when they are over, being carried before the Commander of the Siege, they speak the worst they can to save themselves from disgrace. Moreover there are no Catholics so zealous, or that do more mischief to the Huguenots, than your new Converts. For proof whereof, I will make an Apology for the Jesuits, who are accused for setting all the World together by the Ears; for thereby they show themselves true followers of J.C. coming as he did, to raise War against Father & Son, and to set Father & Son at variance; not to be the messengers of Peace, but to carry Swords. And these are those little weapons, which they slide out of their sleeves, when they find it convenient to rid the World of a Monarch that will not submit to their Maxims. 'Tis requisite that Proselytes should sign their zeal with the blood of their former Companions. And Fougasse, Tutor to the Prince of Conde, has promised me, that he will breed up his Pupil to be the most treacherous and bloody Enemy of those, who have followed his Grandfather and Father, upon all occasions, where he can kill them, without being killed himself.   

CHAP. V. Of the Miseries of the Huguenots.  
SEeing I have displayed so large a field to the Brothers, for the discovery of my Conversion, I am resolved to satisfy the more curious, to show that I made a serious conscience of what I did. Every one is inquisitive what induced Sancy to this revolt? I ask, what constrained the King to the same? If they answer, to save his Bacon; that's my answer too. Ay, but that's ignominious— Poverty is more— Then Poverty there is nothing more difficult to undergo— which makes men contemptible and ridiculous. Hastening to the Port designed— but changing the voyage and the wind, let us philosophise a little upon the Question. This is not to follow, but always to pursue the same end. My end has been the same without Alteration, Profit, Honour, Ease, and Security. So then I pursued my aim, but only I changed the means. Now for profit, what means has a poor Huguenot to advance himself in time of peace? if he be a Countryman, the Catholics are the Assessors and Receivers, the Huguenots only Collectors. If he be a Gentleman, and expect any thing from the King, we ourselves have left him nothing to dispose of. If Monsieur Huguenot pretends a title to any Benefice, we have made all the Ecclesiastics take their Oaths, to strike out their names, and not to keep their words, according to an Article made by the Council of Constance. Their Titles will serve them in as little stead as those of Cheradame. This was a Huguenot of the Ancient simplicity. I asked him one day whether he did quietly enjoy the Benefice of Bandoville, which the King had given him? Yes, said he, for it is one of the Benefices of which it is said, The blessed shall inherit the Earth. Well, said I, but what Title can you show that it belongs to you? A very good one said he, The Earth belongs to the Lord. Have you no better Foundation than that, said I; for those words mention nothing of Bondaville. How can I have a better assurance, said he, then from Holy Writ; Thou hast laid his Foundations in the Sea, now to show you that those words are spoken of Bandoville, if you have ever been there, read what follows, he hath enriched it, and environed it with many waters. All the reasons which the Huguenots can bring to our Judges, will signify no more than these of Cheradame. As for honour, what content can they have among people that dare not give them respect; if the Edict will permit them to come to Court? who if they be merry with their Neighbours, shall have a supervisor set over them, that shall stick as close to their skins as a scab. If it be in time of War, what can a man of my Estate expect in those affairs? can they cant after our fantastic formalities? Honour is not to be got among us, but by dint of hard blows; which I must confess I never much cared for in my life, though they made me a Colonel of Swi●zes. As for the point of Ease, what ease can it be to be clasped up in a Cuirass, like a Tortoise in his shell. And for security, they have only God to trust to upon all occasions, in whom a man of my humour seldom puts more than a moderate confidence. But to handle this matter a little more generally, I saw in France that their resolutions were agitated to the wish of their Enemies; That they sought their security otherwhere then one among another, or within themselves. That they fixed their resolutions in their enemy's Country and not at home, as the Swissers do; look upon the Peace as concluded, before the Treaty was begun, and bereaved themselves of their advantages, and distinctions before it was proclaimed. Which is worse, we have gained three in four of their principles, which caused them to treat as already sowed up in the King's party; not in War, for they bore Arms for him; not in Peace, for that their necessity urged them to treat; not in Truce, because they had quitted their Distinctions, their Judicature, their Treasure, and their separate Forces. So that being neither in War, nor in Peace, nor in Truce, they fancied a fourth condition, which never was, tossing up one leg i'the Air, which could be no steady march. Some there were that cried shame upon these proceedings; others would not seek to remedy these things, unless the Grandees, who were gained by the King, would return among them, to buoy up their party, now patched up of several pieces, choosing rather to be fat, then healthy. They apprehended their own weakness, without considering the distinction of affairs of State. Hence they began to treat with respect, to conclude without security. They did enough to offend, but not to defend. Thus were these poor people condemned in their simple fidelity, to be the sport of the great ones, persuaded to have pity upon France, when France had no pity upon them; to preserve it, when they had no interest in it; to fortify it, when they had expelled themselves out of it. But when men have their hands tied by the fear of God, and a bashful respect of their Prince, they should be advised of their first motion; for whatever Peace they make, can be no Peace, but a Contract of Servitude.   

CHAP. VI An examination of some Books of these times.  
WHen Monsieur Confessor came to my Lodging, he sent in three Porters Load of Books to enhance the Ceremony of my Conversion. Some Censurers of these times have observed that we did not lash one of them, but that after Dinner we spent all the day in playing at Cent. But I will show those that were so careful to spy what was done that day, that I have well employed others in modern Theology: to authorise my design, I have read the Answers to the book of Plessis Mornay. 'Tis very great pity he has not had leisure to follow his studies as he did some 18. years ago. But since, he has had so many affairs of State under his hands, so much authority to sustain, such a large Family to govern, nothing has appeared lately from him. The Theologist of Xantes seeing all our Dogs upon that Bear, and that none bit him, or durst so much as take him by the Ear, gave a leap at him; I would every one would do as much. For though he answered little to the purpose, yet what one cannot do singly, many may. There is the same method to be used against this person, and matters must d● boldly asserted without coming to the point of close argument; for mischief might come of it. As for Richeome, the Heretics are constrained to confess, that the style is the genteelest of any that has lately become public, at least the Preface: and if they say 'tis none of his, yet it is his either by way of gift or purchase. If the body of the work be dull and flat, is it not a common Custom for the Youth of these times, to wear the fore part of their Doublets of Satin, and the hinder part of Canvas? Does he not do well to bring three Battalions before the King to persuade him to admit the Jesuits? Though in truth, three Battalions of eight Thousand men apeice, and fifty great Guns, would be more persuasive, and prove better Advocates, than the book of truth defended. Now in pursuit of my design, I put on my Spectacles, as when I play at Tables, and viewing at hand these three Battalions, in the first Rank I saw none but a Company of Whipper Snappers with Morrions' guilt with leaf Gold. But any thing for a Civil War. At the head of 'em road a fair Argument to prove Miracles. Nature is able to perform this or that. Such and such things have been produced contrary to the order of Nature, Ergo. The Miracles of Ardilliers are not false. The Colours were of good Taffeta. He that carried the colonel's colours, having a mind to play the Coxcomb, and flourish his Colours under Leg as they do at Paris, strained himself so hard, that he befowled himself. This is the Confession of deceased Beza, who bequeathes all to his Wife, and the rest to the Franciscans, dies a good Roman Catholic, and this is that which became of him. I am told, an old arch Heretic read this book with a great deal of pleasure. I would make a slight answer; but perhaps he will burst himself with laughing, which would be an argument to prove Miracles, which is the subject of the book. I know abundance of Catholics look upon the supposition of his death as a strange thing. But in a book that treats of wonders, can any discourse be thought Miraculous? For my part I affirm and maintain it to be as true as other Miracles, That Beza is dead. First, by the argument by which we prove Transubstantiation, God may cause him to die. Ergo he is dead. Then again, This book which is in the rank and number of Traditions ought to be sooner believed then the Bible, as the Curate of St. Gervaise but lately preached. Traditions, said he, are sooner to be believed then the Old & New Testament, provided that they are authorised by Traditions, and not Traditions by them. More than this, Beza is Civil dead, by Banishment, and Spiritually dead, by Excommunication. But grant he be not dead, this news has always served, the news has been still made use of like a Vultur's-skin to the stomach of some weak Catholics, to advance the pious frauds of honest Mr. Cardinal, according to this book, and that of the deceased good Queen his Playfellow. Think you that that same book of St. Clement, which Capil the Venetian found in the Isle of Crete, has not mainly conduced to the establishing private Masses. For all the World has not such a quick understanding, when they see the letter by which St. Clement advertized St. James of St. Peter's death, to know that St. James was dead seven years before the other. 'Tis a great benefit for an ingenious man to understand who tells truth, whether Anaclete, who styles himself Successor to Clement, or Ireneus and Eusebius, who say that Clement succeeded Anaclete, who notwithstanding that, wrote a very complete Letter to Clement after he was dead. He speaks of the Temple of St. Peter, but it was an hundred years before the Christians had any Church. I alleged these things in imitation of that pious Father, who living three hundred years before Constantine, nevertheless is so prudent as to call Byzantium, Constantiople, to the end ye may not laugh at the letter which— wrote to the Virgin Mary, and that other which J. C. wrote to the three honest Catholics, under the Cross at Azè in Poictou, openly read by the Curates of the Parishes. But not to injure the Chapter of Miracles, and to show you that I was not converted out of Ignorance, I have read almost all Bellarmin, and I took great care, being resolved upon my Conversion, not to meddle with Whitaker, Lambert, or Reynolds. I have read the Declamations and Fictions of Campanus, where I saw so many Martyrs of the new Catholic Church, 'Tis the best way to read that book without examination. I did more, for I stopped my Ears against a Heretic, that would have made me believe all those Martyrs to be lies and fables, alleging that there were two Characters of Martyrdom, the one, that it must be purely for Religion, and the other, that it be at the Parties own choice, whether he will live or die. I began to swear that the Queen of Scot's was a true Martyr. Oh, said the Heretic, what a miserable Religion is yours, that hath no Martyr purer than a Homicide, nor any more chaste, than a Strumpet. I could have found i'my heart to have banged him, but he was a man of the Sword. I have read the Amorous Sermons of M. S. Panigarole, but cannot find what the Heretics report of his Catamit: As to his Mistress indeed ye say something, for whose sake he begins one of his Sermons thus, 'Tis for you, fair one, that I die. Nor can I find fault with his Compliment, for presently after he added, said Christ to his Church. He was a bold Preacher, yet not so bold neither, but that I have read in some of his Sermons preached at Turin, that although the Saints were Canonised, he did not believe them all to be in Paradise. A wary man, not to be a general voucher for every body. I have read the Thundering Sermons of the Bishop of Bizonte, which hard'nd my heart for the Massacre at hand. Whoever read a more substantial Clause than this, Che la crudelta loro era pietosa, That their Cruelty was Mercy. I have read the writings of Reboul, who has told tales out of School, because he had been whipped there. That book will serve excellently well for a Farce, after those Tragedies, which afflict the squeamish & raw Conscience of a Convert newly galled with his Conversion. I have read Dr. Boulanger, who has written like a Devil, all ran dan and without premeditation; they that will not believe me, may believe their own eyes. He is better skilled in Logic now, then when he disputed at Miot, and had he now to do with that blind zealot, he would conundrum him in another manner than he did. For he has answered the Preface of Duplessis, at least he gives him good words; being resolved like the chief Captains of the holy Party, to observe this maxim, That in great undertake, 'tis enough to show a good intention. In the same manner I could not forbear laughing, when I read the I'ambonicum of Michau against him. 'Tis well known that the Sorbon has forbid him to write upon a Letter of M. Confessor. But in the reply of Michau I blame him for saying, That the Boulangers are of Troy in Champagne. He was ignorant that they came from Lions, where they could not stay as being too near Provence, where they had seen M. Auguste upon the Scaffold or upon the Ladder. I read the beginning of Doxemel, but he put me out of humour: At first I was pleased with young Sponde's manner of arguing: for we have a young Sponde, as well as a young Nostredamus. They say the Widow wrote it; which causes many to admire, because it was verily thought that she had made all public before. I have not spoken at all concerning the Treatises of the Husband; because the first disgrace the later; which do not seem to be made with so good a will nor in so good an humour as the first. Those are full of discourse enlivened only by pomp of words, the first moving, and persuasive ad fidem faciendam. But the young man treating of consecrated Churchyards, draws from the sum of his discourse this consequential Argument. The Jews were very curious in reference to their Sepulchers. The Turks account their Sepulchers Holy, and go in Pilgrimage to Mecca; The Pagans erected lofty Pyramids, canonised their dead, and ordained them Supplications. Ergo; The Christians ought to do the like, in imitation of the Jews Turks and Pagans. But not to bereave any person of the honour which is due to him, we are well assured that this was the offspring of M. Raymund's brain, or rather of his Host, who is also reported to have made the preliminary Epistle to Richeome. Let it be as it will, both together have taught me very fine fancies. First, that it is a duty to carry the Pope upon our Shoulders. Thus the Pagans exalted their Druids and Vestals. The Romans were carried by their Slaves in Litters. The Chineses in Tunquin carry their Religious Orders a Cock loft in the same manner, and the Country people in Xantoigne upon their wedding days, are hoist after the same fashion, as it is also the Custom in Lorraine. Ergo; We are to carry the Pope, Cardinals and Bishops upon our Shoulders, to show ourselves Pagans like the Chinese, or Slaves, as among the Romans, or else in imitation of the Courtly fashion, of the Country Bumpkins of Xantoigne and Lorraine. The same Author tells, That Madam Simonite, he meant Sunamite kissed Elisha's feet, Ergo; all Kings, who are Simonites, aught to kiss the Pope's feet. This Monsieur Raymund and his Companions, speak very well to the Huguenots and their printed Complaints, by declaring to them that they do not complain without a cause. For as Raymund says to Rabesne, contentiously wrangling to make a Huguenot Lady lose the Guardianship of her Children; The Laws are not to be observed according to humour, or to please proscribed persons: and afterwards soliciting to have a Huguenot put to death, for a Murder which a pious Catholic had committed, we need not make any scruple to destroy the Estates of those whose lives are under Condemnation; or to cut off particular Members where the Body is under the general attainder of the Church. I have also read a book, much after the same rate, and which I believe to be a chip of the same block, mainly endeavouring to extirpate the memory of Papes' Joan. And to show you that I have studied, and that I keep a Correspondence with the Learned, I have sent him an Epigram upon this subject, which begins Foemina quod mentita virum, to which I expect his answer.   

CHAP. VII. Of the Arrogance of the Huguenots.  
IF ever any Prince would reign so exactly, That neither Justice nor the word of God should have any cause to blame his Government, it behoves him to exterminate the Huguenots: For they are a sort of strange people, that when the Honour of God comes in competition, trample under their feet the Honour of men, yea even of Princes. But those of this Age are a little more respectful. 'Tis publicly known what strange reports they raised against the Mother of the late Queen-Mother, taxing her with unseemly familiarity with the Cardinal of Lorraine, as if she, that she might take the care of men upon her, had despoiled all other women of their Vices. They made verses upon the said Cardinal for a good turn procured him by the Prince of Portian. But St. Nicaise, the said Cardinal's natural Son, honourably poisoned the said Prince. These Knaves impudently reported over all France the news of a certain Picture, where the Cardinal, the Queen of Scots, and several other persons were lovingly entertained with a strange piece of workmanship. And all these Stories printed after the great contests and execution of St. Berthelemy. At the same time they were so Arrogant as to demand peace at Millaud, and cause him to order a peace, when they had no more than four or five Holds, more advantageous for them, than the last peace which was granted them by the Court of Parliament. You would not believe how little respect they gave the Queen and the Councillors of State that attended her. Monsieur de Pibrac had made use of two pair of Topics, to frame a petition, which he addressed to the Deputies of the Huguenots, in the presence of the Queen. He wiped his eyes with his Handkerchief, the Duke of Montspensier snivelled, Richelieu sighed, Gadagne showed nothing but the whites of his eyes. When he came to Dixi, the Queen asked them, well, Friends, what have you to say to this? Now you shall hear the answer of limping La Meausse. Madam, because Monsieur has made such a fair speech, must we therefore perish? The same person halting by the Chamber of the Maids of Honour, overheard Altri saying, Must we be confined to this Cursed Gascony, only for the Deputies four rusty Swords? Madamoiselle, answered this same Vulcan, I confess they are not so well scoured as your Engines. 'Tis incredible how these people have bearded the greatest of Princes; and made head against them with their smart and brisk replies; as for example, that of the Prince of Conde to the Queen Mother, who seeing a Troop of white Coats march by, reproached him, that his Soldiers were Millers. Yes Madam, replied the Prince, to handle your Asses. The same Prince, at another time, when the King asked him, why he did not acknowledge the Virgin Mary for the Queen of Heaven, made answer, Because 'twas pity, so fair a Kingdom should be governed by a Distaff. To give you fresher marks of their Boldness; The King, than King of Navarre, having sent Aubigny to Hen. the 3d. to restore him the honour of his Alliance, before he did himself right, either for his Sister, or the injuries which had been done him; the King in a great fury replied, Let your Master, if you call him so, have a care what he does, if he knows me to be his King, I shall put such a weight upon his Arms, as would make the great Turk stoop. To which this impudent Huguenot made this answer, Sir, the King of Navarre my Master, has to his great grief been bred up under this Burden. Without Threats, the homage of his Life and Fortunes is at your Majesty's Devotion; But the homage of his honour he will yield to ne'er a Prince in the World, so long as he has a drop of blood in his Body, and a Sword by his side. But not to relate the sauciness of them, who make profession of it, what think ye of the poor Potter M. Bernard; to whom the King one day said these words, It is now five and forty years since you first served the Queen, my Mother, and me, we have suffered you in the midst of Flames and Massacres, to enjoy the freedom of your Religion all this while; but now I am so perplexed by those of Guis● and my people, that in spite of my teeth I must be forced to put those two poor Women and you in Prison, both they and you shall be burnt to morrow, if you change n●t your opinion. Sir, answered Bernard, Yesterday the Count Mauleurier, came to proffer those two Sisters their Lives, if they would each of them permit you a night's lodging. They answered, They would be Martyrs as well for their Honour as for their Religion. You have told me also several times you would have pity upon me: But I take pity upon you, who have pronounced these words; I am constrained; you do not speak like a King. Those Virgins and I, who I hope have a share in the Kingdom of Heaven, will teach you this Royal expression, That neither the Guisarts, nor all your people, nor you yourself, shall constrain a poor Potter to bend his Knee to Images. Did ye ever hear such an impudent Scoundrel? You'd swear, he were one of Seneca's Disciples, qui mori scit, cogi nescit. He that knows how to die, knows not what compulsion means. More malapartness than this appeared in these people at the last Treaty of Peace, and at the Assemblies which continued four years, where these self-willed moody Mules withstood not only the honestest Deputies which the King could pick out of his Council of State, but all the Grandee Lords of their own party. These foreheads of Brass cried out, These Propositions do not answer the good opinion which we had conceived of those which were sent to us. They were asked the meaning of these words, La Valiere stands up; the meaning, quo he! The meaning is, That ye go about to betray the Church of God. Monsieur Le Villeroy told me, that being sent once to parley with these Malcontents, while Calignon was endeavouring with a Sugercandy-speech, to soften their fury, that Lubber Chamier, having laid his Cloak under his Buttocks, leaned with his left Elbow i'the very middle of the Table, and in that posture fell a paring his nails, which were so long, that the Splinters flew in the Oratour's beard, one hit de Rosny in the eye; yet no body durst reprove him; for his very Countenance showed how little it would be to the purpose. Choupes was so audacious as to carry to the very Privy Council the refusal of all the Parliaments of France, and could hardly be hauled from the door by the honest Huguenots of the Court. Aubigne was so void of modesty, that when the King had given him a handsome reception at Senlis, and did but only ask him a civil question, what he thought of the wound that Chastel had given him i'the lip, this unmannerly Clown made answer, I say, Sir, said he, that that same God, whom as yet you have only denied with your lips, has only smitten your lips, but so soon as you shall renounce him with your heart, he will strike and pierce that heart. I could name another, that was an ancient Deputy, who sitting one day with the rest of his associates upon a Trunk in the Antichamber, took notice that M. d'O. young Rosny, and some others of the Court Gallants laughed to see the Deputies in their old fashioned Garments. These airy Courtiers having a mind to show their Wit, says one to the other, I'll say he's a brave fellow that dares but go and ask that old Curmudgeon of a Heretic his name. D'O. to show his valour approaches the old man, and full of high flown conceit, Sir, says he, these Gentlemen and I have an earnest desire to know your name. If I knew how to call you, said the other, I might perhaps give you an answer; I am a Gentleman, but not at your Conmand. Sir, said the Courtier my name is D'O. It may be so, replied the Deputy, had you been in as many Battles as I, you needed not have asked the Question. As for O 'tis a Cipher better known in the Chamber of accounts, then where I have been. The Brethren of the Cabinet fell a laughing, but the poor Messenger was more dashed out of countenance, upon what the Deputy added. Go, friend, go, go kill somebody, that the King may bestow some favour upon ye, otherwise ye may chance to go without it. The Sieur Belleure being sent by the King, to the King of Navarre at Mont de Marsan, every morning, through the window of his Lodging, saw the Countess de la Guiche, then Miss in waiting, going every morning to Mass attended by d'Espent, little Lambert, a Black, the Baboon Bertrand, an English Page, a shock Spaniel, and a Lackey. Of all which the great Senator took notice to a Huguenot in these terms. I have several times, said he, seen some Mistresses of our Kings, who are with them in such esteem, that the greatest Peers of the Nation think themselves happy, if they can but watch their coming out in a morning to pay their respects. But here I see a Lady of a noble Family, who turns and winds the King as she pleases, walk to the Church in a morning, fitted for all purposes with a Monkey, a Shock, and a Buffoon. Oh Sir, the reason's plain, replied the Huguenot, for in this Court there is neither Ape, nor Shock, nor Buffoon, but what you see. The French Courtier was not a little non-plussed at the reply; but much more when he knew the St. Maxants' Curse upon the cheek of Madam Duras.   

CHAP. VIII. Of Martyrs after the Romish way.  
OF all the Books, which are enough to make a man a Heretic, or of which at least a Roman Catholic ought to be very careful: I find none, next to the Bible to be so dangerous as this great Volume of Martyrs. For 'tis a great matter to see five, six or seven thousand dead people, with all the Marks of real Martyrdom, as probity of Life, purity of Religion, and full freedom to choose either Life or Death. This has deprived us of abundance of people that beheld those Preachers, who had no other Pulpits than the Scaffold, the Ladder or the flaming Faggot. These are the glorious Nicks of time, when vain hopes are said to give place to Zeal and Virtue. They order their affairs now more prudently, both in Italy and Spain. There does not a Year go about, wherein they do not put to death some hundreds. But their constancy has no other witnesses than Gaolers and Hangmen, who are like the Cranes of Pyrrhus for keeping secrecy. 'Tis not above Thirty Years ago, that all the Processes, of which this dangerous book is full, and which testify the truth of it, were ordered to be taken off the files of all the Courts of Parliament. But is their no way to stifle the memory of these things, and to cry down all these Stories for Fables, though the eye-witnesses are living? What shall we do? I am of opinion that the best way will be, to make Choice of some florid stile, like that of the Count de Permission, and to write a Book, of which the Title shall be, The Martyrs a la Romana, or after the Romish manner; Wherein we will not have so much as one finger of a Martyr of the Primitive Church; in regard there is some debate concerning them, between the other and us; as also for that, these blessed Reformers cry that the Church has been as long reform as it has been persecuted, according to what Pope Silvester said, when Constantine freed him from the Rocks of Soracte, Farewell Poverty, Farewell Purity. Now than we must make it out, that we have Martyrs of this Age of as good Families as any of others. The Bell-wether of the Flock shall be the Curate of St. Medard in Paris, who was wounded in ringing the Alarm Bell. The Curate of St. Crespin in Tourain, who was hanged in the Bel-rope performing the same Office: both taking pains to stir up the people to make another sort of Martyrs. From thence, to disguise the Story, we will take a frisk to Japan, where the Jesuits say some of them have been crucified, and where they have done several Miracles, which could be done no where else but at Japan, because of the incredulity of the rest of the Indians. Moreover we will condemn all the Huguenots in France to go thither, to see if what they say be true. Our Fathers the Jesuits, foreseeing the necessity of this book, & that there will be more Confessors than Martyrs; On the other side, the Huguenots, instead of putting men to death for the Faith, busying themselves in praying to God for their Conversion: The sharp-witted Projectors have provided a remedy for both; having set up at Rheimes and at Rome, two Colleges of young English, chosen out of a Melancholy adust humour, the most part Exiles, Thiefs or defamed persons, who when they are put into these Colleges, as Marius Navarrus writes in his 3. book of Councils, by an established Papal constitution, are bound to swear, That after so many years they shall return into England to publish what they have learned. And because it has been observed that much good has come of it, witness Cardinal Alain, in his Apology for Seminaries, the Pope has redoubled their Pension. Hereupon, I guess Baronius in his Roman Martyrology said these words, That the holy Priests, as innocent Lambs, fatted in the Sacred Cloisters, by the holy society of Jesus, with divine instructions for Martyrdom, Sacrifices acceptable to God and the Sacred Colleges of Rome and Rheimes, have been put to death, because they preached in England the Doctrine of the Holy Romish Church. I wish he had not said it, in regard they are Envoys of the Society of Jesuits: because they are accused to be liberal enough of other men's blood; and therefore though it be a commendable thing to meet Martyrdom, yet I would not have them guilty of sending people merely upon that errand. Then to breed 'em up as Victims to God, that looks as if we Sacrificed them ourselves; and smells a little of Baal-peor. Again, the word Cloister sounds like a Prison, as if we kept them in Sties to force them to keep their Oaths: and upon this the Heretics would be upon our bones, and say of the God to whom we sacrifice them; That it must be some God of this Age, or else some God of the Earth; for that the God of Heaven requires now no more Sacrifices at all, nor never did those of human blood. But that which spoils all is the word,— fatted or greased. I asked Archbishop Valgrand, what the meaning of it was; he sent me to the Saturnalia of Lipsius l. 1. c. 14. There I found that the Term was proper to the Gladiators who were picked out of the condemned persons or miserable Slaves, and afterwards maintained in their sacred or rather execrable Seminaries, to the end they might purchase their fat by their death; of whom Propertius.  Qui dabit immundae venalia fata saginae. 
Bellarmin did very ill to put us in mind of the ninescore taken at Menerbè, who, every one of them chose rather to be burnt, then to deny the least tittle of their Religion. And Antonine did very ill to write, that they gave the Prisoners their choice, either to abjure their Religion and have their liberty, or die; whereupon a hundred and fourscore chose rather to be burnt. For which reason I would not have him that makes our book of Martyrs meddle with your ear-lulling Latin; which affected persons, to show their gift, make use of to our prejudice, and the discovery of our business. The Balderdash Latin which Monsieur Confessor uses, will be good enough for us. And in pursuit of our design we must gain in England some Ministers or other Officers, that when they hang our people there, may discourse to 'em some point of Religion, and not of Warlike preparations, Seditions, Petards, Guns, Mines and Poisons from the Pope's Apothecary. Then upon the Ladder they must have their choice either to turn, or turn off the Ladder. For those Heretics never account for Martyrs any but those, who have such a choice proposed to them, and such as it appears by their Enditements, that they die for the sole point of their Religion. According to this Rule they never list for Martyrs, those that are armed for their defence, but only such as have no other Weapons but their Prayers. Such as were the 17000 Albigeois slaughtered in one day, and the 30 or 40000 Souls sent upon St. Bartholomews-day to the furies of St. Bartholomew. But as for us, who have a better view of things, I am not of opinion, that we should be so nice, but let us muster, for default of others, in our Martyrology all those that are slain in Battles, Seiges, Skirmishes and Duels. Especially such as have fought against the Heretics; and all the Irish, their Wives and Children that are starved to death in the streets of our Cities. These are the Victims of that great Sacrificer Sanders, and other Doctors, who notwithstanding several pardons, caused them to make use of the Bull of the Holy Father Pius the V. as Bellarmin reports, by virtue whereof they made no scruple of violating their Allegiance to the Queen. And as for them, that lay skulking in the Niches of Pont Neuf, not then finished, and in the night time Robbed all those that passed along, and then threw them into the River, if there be any scruple of canonising them, we must be careful what we do, lest we should injure them that did no harm but only to the Heretics. There are some who believe the Bishops ought to tain the poor; But my thoughts are, that they are for the generality very uncharitable, out of a good intention to fill our Book with the sweet scented Sacrifices of their starved bodies. Of which number were those poor people, whom the Bishop of Mayence caused to be burnt, out of a good intention, to save Corn. If the Huguenots refuse these at the Muster, we will in spite of their teeth, pass them for Martyrs whom we allege to have died in the Wars. We have a good Title to it: For the Fathers of the Society of Bourdeaux have learnedly consulted about it, and wrote them down by parcels in the Treatise of the Massacre at Coutras, of which Pamphlets Paris was full. All honest men believe, that the Huguenots being forced to the Battle, gained the Victory by Treachery, in regard they had hid their Canon under ground, and by that means made our people fly in the Air like so many Birds. By this Ladder we mount to Heaven much more noble Martyrs than the Heretics can do. St. Foy was made Bishop of Senlis, for having placed the last Charles among the Martyrs. If so, there is a Bishopric due to me, for having mustered up such a scroll of Martyrs as I have done. But to return to my Text, the King, said that good Preacher, had so much trouble to massacre the Huguenots, that he died for grief, because he could not finish his design, nay some say, that he died blaspheming for madness. 'Tis a Gentile expression which some of our Doctors use, to some concerning the Miller's Bridge, I mean those Catholic Bigots, who believe that God overwhelmed that Bridge, as being the Scaffold of the Butchery, and that it was a notable mark of Celestial Vengeance. But I say no, 'twas not for the Cruelties exercised, but because they exercised no more, by which default of theirs, I warrant ye, we lost above six or seven hundred freshwater Martyrs. But may we not search for those who have died in cold blood? Of that sort the most bright-shining Martyr is the Queen of Scots, who had blown up her Husband before, constantly resolved so to do, notwithstanding all the kindness and amorous humility which he showed her. 'Tis true indeed, her heart taught her what belonged to gunpowder. But 'tis all one, she shall be canonised, and in spite of the Heretics teeth, she shall be placed in the Almanac next to St. Marry the Egyptian, only for distinction sake, she shall be called St. Marry Morter-peice. At her feet we well place Peter Edmond, and— with their Company of a hundred and ten, according to the account of Baronius. The most part of these were brave Soldiers, excellent Petardeer of the Seminary of Maurevel, and the ancient de La Montagne, who for a small sum would have taken any man out of your way that offended ye, or obstructed your designs, having always an intention against Heresy. The Souls of these we must believe to be saved, for they would fain have damned 'em themselves, but you know what is said of them that willingly lose their Souls. Maurevel was so zealous a Catholic, that in hatred of misbeleivers, for a small sum of money which the Queen had promised him, having failed at Moncontor to kill the Admiral, however he offered a bloody and sweet smelling Sacrifice to her Interests, by murdering Mosny, who for a long time had maintained him, and raised him. He was afterwards martyred by Mosny the Son. As for old de la Montagne, he was a shrewd cunning Fellow, and as I may say, the Patriarch of the Jesuits. For by assuring his zealous Assassinates of his counterfeit Paradise, he sent them away overjoyed, to die themselves, to murder the Heads of the Christians. This Paradise was the Model of a Chamber of Meditation. For the more variety and ornament of this our design we will bring in all the Crucifixes, Statues of Saints, both Male and Female, whether of Stone or Wood, in whose faces, as Baronius observes, the Huguenots have spit, or have any other way abused, by treading them under their feet, pulling out their eyes, or cutting off their ears or noses. To these we may add the bodies of dead Saints, which they have burnt, as that of St. Claude, together with the Abbey, in the year 1654. 'Tis very true, that some pious Christian or other put in its place the Body of one that was hanged at Dortaile. For new Martyrs we have Chess, Bencharde, and that fair List of Plessis de Cone, and Fontenelle. Nor must we forget the Martyrs of Blois, the Father of whom was a canonised Martyr at Rome, under the name of St. Francis the Pistoleer of Orleans. Their Posterity shall be also canonised, that is to say, Henry of the Barricado's, and St. Denis Captain, and Cardinal. On the other hand we will put M. St. Clement, and M. Sponde, one martyrized by the Procurator General, the other by his Wife. These two zealous Personages I have put together to spite the Huguenots, who mistrusting to what end they were canonised, one so soon after the other, married them together in the following Epigram.  
Qui modo Clementem voluisti jungere divis,  
Et Spondam Divis annumerare potes.  
In vitas Regum fuit insidiator uterque:  
Ille animum Regis sustulit, hic animam.  
What shall become of St. Chastel, S. Burgoign, St. Guinan, St. Barriere, St. John Nilhet, and St. Garnet? We must also have room for the Precedent Brisson, and the five Martyrs, and the St. Hangman who was executed with them. Among the rest must be admitted the twelve St. Franciscans of Chasteau Villain, whom the deceased Admiral caused to be laid hold on for murdering the sick Soldiers of the Army, wherever they met with them. The greatest grief to the rest was, that two of these poor Martyrs quarrelled, who should have the Commission to perform the Execution. To decide this Ambitious debate, each of the two had a Rope given them, to try who was the most dextrous at the sport. Never did two nimble Skip-jacks show more dancing Bear tricks to avoid the Noose, than these two Rascals did; of which one at length was seized, as he was giving a jump upwards. The Victor having securely strangled his Compagnen, hanged all the rest. For the hangman and the persons executed were all of the same Livery. This shoot of St. Francis, so long as the War endured, never changed either his employment or his habit; but knowing where there was a young Novice, who had escaped out of the Covent, sent for him to be his journeyman. After that they went on cheerfully with their business, and were very useful toward the Discipline of the Army, it being a common word of admonition, beware the Franciscan. Among the Neoterics are also Father Henry d'Anvers, and S— de Saumur, who were burnt for being Roman Catholics, according to the Interpretation of the Count of Rochefort. They confessed a very strange exercise of their piety, without which confession the latter could not have been burnt; For the Scholar and the Sergeant were only whipped for having devoutly attempted to murder du Plessis, that arch Heretic. Here M. S. Byron comes in for a share, who having all his life time lived in contempt of all Religion, all of a sudden grew so sottishly superstitious, that if he found in his way any little remainder of a broken Cross, he stopped and crawled upon his Knees fourscore or a hundred paces to kiss the dirty stone where it was fixed; insomuch that near Bretigny in Burgundy he kissed another between two T— He was one of the Churches great Gates: for he had renounced God, and sworn to kindle a War in France against the Huguenots. He was the Devil of a man, but of a plausible behaviour. Don't you believe that he swore like a Huguenot, any more than Cotton, when he was run through the left Buttock. You have a notable Martyr of M. S. Bosnier, whose story the wicked Feneste stole from us. But he forgot the difference between his Wife and the Countess of Norton about the Gown and Petticoat which the She-Physician got by doing and not doing. For the Countess having declared to her Husband than she had made a Vow for Chastity for four days in a week; her Husband made another, for the other three. The poor Lady died for grief, and is now a Martyr Alamode.   

CHAP. IX. The Corollary.  
ONE day, that it thundered, Monsieur Confessor came to visit me, and found me in a great confusion, shortly after my Conversion. I had not slept well the night before, and without lying, I could have wished my Conscience had lain by its self. That which troubled me in the Evening was the cursed company of idle stories that were brought me, how the Huguenots began to enter into new Consultations concerning their affairs. That Coxcomb Luat had opened my eyes to see, how that after my Conversion, the King put no confidence in me; on the contrary, that Rosny who continued a firm Heretic got ground in the King's favour, and thereby great Authority in France. In the midst of these thoughts, I called to mind the miserable ends of Sponde, discountenanced by the King after his Conversion; of Morlas, of Clairville, grieving at his death to have damned himself to gain something, and yet never to taste the pleasure of enjoyment; of du Fay who died altogether slighted, and despairing to that height, that he publicly questioned, whether the Church of Rome were the Church of Christ. Barrilliere like him, was upon the same strain. Sallettes, who steered the same course, as having been taught by his Wife, That he who greatly fears God, is also afraid of men; She that never fearing nor refusing the men of this World, was bold against God. The ends of these men pestered my thoughts, with many others of the same sort. While I was in this Agony, I saw M. Cahier walking in the lower Court. To him I ran, and asked him what was become of the Minister Le Vaux? Sir, said he, that unfortunate person, after the fair promises which he had made to Monsieur d'Evreux, and the money which he received from him for the performance thereof, a Rascally Fever seized him, and he is gone, into his own Country, tearing and raving that the cause of God was betrayed by him, and five of his Associates, whom he fairly charactered, without naming them. To this, he added, that he hoped God would pardon him, into whose hands he was going to surrender his Soul, so soon as he came to Millaud. He offered in the mean time to write to M. d'Evreux, in recommendation of some able person, and withal discovered the prevarication of the dispute at Nantes, and the other preparatives of de Rouen and Serres, who you know, had offered their perfidious mediation at a lucky time. The Huguenots were so silly as to refuse the offer, saying, That the Church of Christ was not established upon tricks and fallacies. A little while after, added he, when he came to Millaud he continued his cries and lamentations especially upon the day that he died; upon which day he walked out of the City with his friends, supped well, but so soon as he was a-bed, he called his Wife, told her he should die, repeated these Lines of the Psalmist.  
A Soul with true Repentance filled,  
Is thy most grateful Sacrifice;  
A broken and a contrite heart  
O God thou never wilt despise.  
And having so said, he expired. After I had mused a while, I took a little heart a-grace, and asked him, how it fared with Rotan, Serres and others▪ Those two answered Cahier, are forced to hide their heads, for they are both under ground: and I'll tell ye how: so soon as they had heard of Vauxes confession, they encouraged one the other by Letters, got themselves chosen by the National Synod of Montpelier, with a resolution, like Caesar, to pass the Rubicon; but before they went, to try to gain something with the Confederates. But such was their misfortue that they both died before the sitting of the Synod. I am very sorry for the money which Serres carried to his Wife, for she died the same day that he did, like Ananias and Saphira, so that that money might have better have fallen into my hands— Sir, If you please to order me a sum, and take— I would not suffer him to go on, but kept the Beggar who was very importunate, at staff's end, making haste to bed, though without hopes of repose. By break of day my Servants having informed Monsieur Confessor of my restlessness, and continual exclamations, he comes into my Chamber, takes a Chair, and began these honey-dropping words. Sir, I have been informed by your Servants, this morning, and yesterday in the Evening, by M. Cahier, of the strange disturbancies of your mind; and something I find myself by the vehement motion of your pulse; but I desire ye to take a taste of my words, as assuaging Remedies for your exterior Distempers; for no outward violence, no promise, hope or fear can change the inward distemper of Opinions. Reason alone, which moves and puts them into a ferment at first, is to them the proper application; seeing that her prevailing power produces either hopes or fears in a distracted mind. When I speak of hopes and fears, I mean, in reference to the affairs of this World. For in truth, when the dispute extends its self to the World to come, than the hope of good, and the fear of evil, practise their force as well upon the one as the other. Do you not think yourself happy in that you feel no other than the soft reign, and natural power of your thoughts, and not the violence of necessity? Know then, that all men are reduced to this point, to be at an ill pass either with their Consciences, or with the affairs of the World. But because there is no perfect felicity, wise men finding a persecution upon the liberty of their thoughts, they fly to the privacies of the heart; so that if your Conscience cannot reconcile itself to the temper of the times, fly to the secret retirements of the wise, reserving to yourself, those things, of which you yourself are Judge, and leaving to others those things which fall under the scan of Foreign judgement. Our external Actions may be censured by those who are in power, and for that they have the knowledge thereof, you cannot prevent them from dealing in their own Element, or from punishing or rewarding as they deem most proper: but they cannot control your thoughts, which they can by no means impeach. Sir, I speak these things as well in reference to myself, as you; beseeching ye, that the Combats of our Consciences may not vent themselves: or if the Conscience struggle to get loose, at least to lull it asleep, if you cannot stifle it in the Cradle. Cahier informs me that you are very much surprised at the sudden ends of our new Converts. The Baron of Salignac and myself are still alive. His Wife, and the Wives of Salette, Sponde, Morlas are also yet living. The reason is plain: They that are dead would not stifle their Consciences; and they choked them. We must therefore kill our Consciences, as I can boast to have done by mine; or lay them fast asleep in the Bed of Stupidity, as the Baron and his Wife, and others, have done by a thousand little charming pastimes of Love. Come, I will give ye a few precepts, which I make use of myself. Many men render deservedly culpable themselves through their own ill conduct. Loyalty, though it be highly to be applauded, becomes liable to punishment, when it sustains them who are depressed by Fortune. We ought to follow favour, honour those who are in prosperity; spurn at the miserable. For never wise man made choice of the unfortunate for his Friends. We ought to change as the times alter, and abandon that Party, from which we can hope for no support. There is as much difference between profit and right, as between Heaven and Earth, water and fire. The greatest Families in the World would soon decay, should they make any account of Justice. A tied respect to Honesty would overthrow Cities and Castles. The liberty of committing all sorts of Impiety, supports Kingdoms. Though it went against thy Nature to observe any measure in evil-doing, yet he that acts by appearance shall easily find impunity, when the fact is committed. Let him abstain from the Court, that will needs be pious. Truth and Grandeur are always at daggers drawing. He shall always be in fear. Why should a wise man be ashamed to follow the example of his King. Wickedness renders them equal who are equally contaminated. 'Tis not a thing that deserves a little praise to deceive a Prince. Honesty, not accompanied with felicity, is always contemptible; and for poor Virtue, see how it is forced to suffer the scoffs of the Vulgar. Thus you see, Sir, how I have endeavoured to employ your contemplation, not doubting but you will make your advantage of what I have said; as being the most proper Physic for your disease. I returned my most humble thanks to Monsieur Confessor, and applauding his discourse, Sir, said I, what follows, I speak by way of Confession, in acknowledgement of your kindness. I recommend my honour to your care. And to show ye that your Doctrine is sowed in a good ground, I am so far from contradicting your grave advice, that henceforward I intent to piss upon the friendship of the miserable. I have learned from you, that the best way is to eat fowl when they are mortified, and to make advantage of men when they are suppled by their misfortues. To this purpose, I will tell you a brave Act which I did upon my second Conversion. We were at Orleans, the Abbot of— and I when the Massacre was committed. The Abbot advised me to go forth into the street with my Sword i'my hand and to do as the rest did, to save my own Life. Seeing that his Counsel succeeded, and that for having my Sword in the guts of a poor Hat-maker, I was welcome among the Massacrer's, it put me in mind of a Gentleman, to whom I had been beholding for four months' entertainment. I went to the door with— and other Consorts. The good man was upon his knees in the Chamber preparing himself to die. When he heard my voice he came running down, received me full of joy, crying out, with his eyes lifted up to Heaven; O God thou hast sent this man as an Angel to succour me in my affliction. That is, thought I, to put ye quite out of your misery, and thereupon I presently sheathed my Sword in his heart to do him a friendly office. I saved his Wive's Life, of whom I and— and the rest of the company made some small use as the time would permit. Afterwards for grief of the Injury done her, she ran foolishly into the heat of the Massacre and was herself knocked o'the head. I missed killing a Varlet Huguenot, who would never do as I would have had him. So that for want of sufficient help, I got no more than fourscore Crowns, and a green Camlet Suit. And this is that wherewith you have heard me openly tax— when they returned with me to Paris. A noble Act, cried M. Confessor, and I think it was almost in the same Coin that you paid M. Gennes, though you did not cut his throat, when he importuned ye to repay the 100000. Crowns. Such discourses as these cheered me up for a time. So that I resolved to harden my heart; never think of what was past, but altogether mind the future. I have now only two little Fears that disturb me; the one in reference to my Estate, the other, my Religion. The first is, if the Huguenots should mind their business as they might do, then would the greatest part of France fly to their embraces. But in that case, God be thanked, we know how to go, come and return again. Let me alone to counterfeit Eubolius, and to roll myself in a Sack to the St. John's Gate in Rochel, with an humble Petition in my mouth, Christians tread me to dirt, who am but salt without savour. But the fear of my Conscience is, lest a burning Fever should surprise, and deceive me, as it did Morlas. However, let the worst come to the worst, it may be God may pardon me; if he does but see me kick a woodd'n Saint topsy turvy in sign of Repentance.   
FINIS.