Moonshine: OR THE RESTAURATION OF JEWS-TRUMPS AND BAGPIPES.  
Being an Answer to Dr. R. Wild's Letter etc. and his Poetica Licentia, etc.  
Cynthius' aurem vellit. Eph. 5. 4.  
LONDON, Printed for R. C. sold in Little Britain against the Globe. 1672.   

AN ANSWER TO Dr Wild's LETTER, etc.  
Doctor,  
WIth as many faces, and as much pain as ever tooth was drawn, I made shift a while ago to wade through a most vile and dirty pamphlet of yours with this Title: A Letter from Dr. Robert Wild upon occasion of his Majesty's Declaration for Liberty of Conscience, together with his Poetica Licentia, etc. Which pamphlet I found all the way pretending to most extraordinary joy and thanks; but of such a witless and slovenly kind, that could his Majesty have possibly imagined that his Clemency could have been so saucily abused, and his kindness so nastily and Sirreverentially received, most certainly Robert had been as particularly excepted from the benefit of the Declaration as Hugh and some others were, from the Act of Oblivion. And my business, Dr. at present is only to acquaint you, that though Poetica Licentia jingles very prettily with Liberty of Conscience, yet that Poetiea is never Latin for Conscience, nor Licentia for any such ill manners as you at large show, both in your Letter and Poem. And that I may in your own stile convey my meaning the easier into your belly, I am to tell you, that when you went about to confound the one with the other, you were as absolutely mistaken, as he that took a glister pipe for a flageolet, or the intestinum rectum for the great artery.  
And in the first place I observe, that before you signify your receiving the news of the Declaration, you would fain delude the friend you write to, into a fit of laughter; by the mere dull jest of telling him that you are a merry fellow. For when you go about to tickle him up to a belief of it, with such deadly old and small provocations as of hanging your harp upon the Willows and singing lachrymae, in stead of the songs of Zion; of laughing at a feather, especially, O especially if it be upon a fools cap; of being as merry as the old sect of Crickets, though after a baking, yea verily though after a baking; or as the chimney men themselves, who are a new sect of Crickets, at some certain times of the year; nay, though for the better disguise you split an ancient abuse, and call the Bishop of Bristol, Cock in one line, and comb in another; yet I durst boldly say that if your friend has but the least share of wit, or any sense of conscience, he can no more laugh at such overworn and tattered stuff, than if he should find his house all in flames, and his Wife and Children hung up in seniority.  
And as thou settest forth with such a niggardliness of wit, that it is great impudence in thee to presume, that the most easy of thy Nonconforming friends should smile at it: so thou as saucily proceedest, comparing the grave and solemn Music of our Church, to a whistle, bagpipe and jewstrump. Which, if thou hadst done with wit answerable to its insolence, much time and long repentance might perhaps have brought thee off: but to say that the whistling of a bodies-maker is every whit as good and elevating as a Salisbury Anthem, and that a bagpipe does far excel the Organ at Hackney, and to give no better reason but only that thy sowses are not made of silk, is so very rude and unpardonable, that seeing thou wert not excepted, thou dost now deserve to be excommunicated out of the Toleration itself. For let us a little consider, Doctor; is there not an Organ in the King's Chapel, as well as at Hackney? and are not Anthems sung there, as well as at Salisbury? and has not his Majesty told thee in his Declaration, that 'tis his express resolution and intention that the Church of England be preserved in its Doctrine, Discipline and Government: and whoever preaches seditiously or to the derogation thereof, must expect severely to be punished? Suppose such a thing as this should be objected to thee: I am confident thou hast nothing in the world to say, but only what thou wouldst have impoes▪ d upon thy friend in the beginning, viz. That Robin is a merry fellow, an absolute Cricket, a mere wag, a droole and a most accurate splitter of a prelatical Coxcomb. But, thou that pretendest to dance on the high rope, to soar aloft, and clip Clouds, thou must not cheat thyself and think that such crawling bumours as these will excuse thy rudeness. For although his Majesty of tenderness and compassion to such weakly subjects as thyself, has graciously condescended, that answerably to your stile and matter, you should be indulged either the liberty of a pair of tongs, to play you to perch upon a Plum-tree, and from thence to distribute; or to be squeaked up the Hay-lost with a comb and paper, and there to float and spread it over a beam; yet I suppose he never did design to give over the Musicians of his Chapel, either to Dutch or Devil, in compliance with thy elegant advice from the two D's, nor to send for thy blind Piper, jews-trumper or neighbouring bodies-maker, to whistle up his Bishops and Chaplains when they preach before him: upon my word, Dr. Robert Wild, if one of you three will but read over the Declaration, you will find you are all most vilely mistaken.  
The small feathered and cricket-like preface being thus finished, and the Doctor having made therewith no creature in the world merry, besides himself: it is high time for him now to leave the frying pan, and the four herrings, and to attend the Post-boy, who blew his Horn and Toleration. But why in such haste, good Doctor? what, listen to a Horn before the orthodox exercise of eating and drinking? especially at an hour when the maw stretches and yawns, and makes humble request for victuals? how, so cruel as to forsake four pensive disconsolate herrings; when your own conscience flew on your face, and told you that they had lately been in very great distress, and in as sad a pickle as the Dutch Fleet the week before? How so careless of your family, as to give over your wife and maid to the cruelty of four hissing sputtering outrageous Herrings? Suppose one of the stoutest and discontented of them had made a violent digression out of the frying pan, and struck up you maids heels, and in your absence had swallowed your wife, head, shoulders and all. (As the great Pike at Bosco, that on a sudden ran away from the Pound and his Keepers, and in a trice devoured a whole flock of Sheep.) Suppose, I say, any such calamity had happened in the family by your neglect: would it not have pricked you sorely to have left the house in such tumult and disorder? ay, I, you, you are the men that have got the Conscience of the whole Nation: that pretend to such curiosity and neatness of Conscience, and yet make nothing to leave a poor helpless wife and but one maid to the fury and insolence of four dissatisfied and devouring Herrings: and only upon that quibbling pretence, forsooth, that you had other fish to fry. Come come, Doctor, deceive not yourself with such loose principles. You may pretend to as much tenderness of Conscience as you will; but I am afraid that if you had had four Cormorants, or four Eagles for dinner, the case would have been the same; for you would either have had other Birds to look after, or other Fish to fry, or some such Conscience-palliating excuse.  
But I shall leave you to consider of this unanswerable neglect at your Leisure: and we'll go on, if you please, to the very Declaration itself. But before we read it, that our joy may be gradual and solemn; and that not the least expression of thanks and mirth may be wanting to so great an occasion, let us droll, flash, and be a little phansiful upon the very paper itself: which being clipped for the better lying in the Letter, affords four absolute new merry conceits. First, the Declaration thus shorn is like a Round-head: the reason of that is plain because of Aquarius. Secondly, 'tis like an Amsterdam Divine: that also is as plain because of Sagittarius. Thirdly, 'tis like an officiating Friar; upon the account of the Bulls right Eye. Fourthly, 'tis unlike clipping of money; upon some other account.  
Having thus bedabbled the outside of the Declaration with four such dewy delicate fancies: now, Dr, we'll set on, and fall to reading. But not rudely and unsanctifyedly, but with that short ejaculation of S. Paul, S. George for England. Or as one of the Latins renders it, Cynthius aurem vellit, Ephesians the 5th and the 4th And the Grace being ended, we venture now upon the Title of the Book. His Majesty's Declaration to all his Loving Subjects, March 15. 1671/ 2. What, to all his Loving Subjects? this is joy indeed! However I am sure his Majesty means me in a most special manner: for I have a soul as white and spotless towards the King, as any Lawn in England; and I do and will love the King with any Churchman of them all, for a thousand pounds. A Prelatical man love the King! that's a frolic indeed. Where's any one of them that in obedience to the Act of Uniformity, presently laid down a plump Parsonage, as I did, and suffered ever since for his Majesty. And (if I may be so bold) how came his Majesty, I pray, into England? who was it that invited him hither, and settled him in his Throne? did not George and I do all that business? He and his forces undertaking for the prose part of his restauration: and I, with my Muses, undertaking for the Poetic? I tell thee, Doctor, thou swaggerest much, what a loyal, white, spotless, lawn-soul thou hast towards his Majesty: but he that shall torture himself so much as to look over thy late letter and poem, will presently perceive so much of courseness, greasiness and nastiness, that he'll think thy soul much more like that same Prebyterian horse-cloth, thou speakest of, than any Lawn or Tiffany.  
The Title being thus dispatched, and the clemency of his Majesty being justly compared to that of Cyrus to the Jews, or Constantine to the oppressed Christians, or as the welcome Dove to the water-beaten Ark: (as if the Doctor and two or three of his Crickets were the only people of God, and had bespoaken all Christianity, and taken up every inch of the Ark:) we go next to the date of the Declaration; which happening to be upon the fifteenth of March, aught to be most solemnly commemorated; partly by way of panegyrics, and partly by way of wonderment. In panegyrics thus: O thou fifteenth of March! be thou and the four salt herrings for ever Chronicled and extolled. It is a thousand pities that thou art already engaged to be the fifteenth of March; for if thou hadst thy right and due, thou dost as certainly deserve to be the first day of January, as a quart of milk is worth a penny. It is my request and wish that thou be acquainted with the twenty ninth of May: and seeing thou art decreed to be the fifteenth of March, be thou however kind to the fifth of November: for five and ten make fifteen. But as for the twenty fourth of August and the thirtieth of January, hold no correspondence with them; for upon the one I lost my living; and upon the other the King his head: which by all the people of God, good Christians and Ark-holders' ought to be utterly forgotten. Now for Wonderment. How! what, the fifteenth of March bring forth such news as this? can mercy, truth and peace, long preaching and praying be restored again in March? can such heavenly and elevating music as bagpipes and whistels and jews-trumps be brought home to an unsettled Nation in the month of March? can such a big-bellied, Dutch-bellied, blundering, blunderbuz month as March, that feeds wholly upon white pease pottage and dumplings▪ afford any such blessing to the Israel of God? Grey pease indeed have somewhat of fatherliness, clemency and compassion for a distressed Church and a persecuted people: but white pease, backed with perverse, obstinate, and hard hearted dumplings— surely it cannot be! nor ever would have been, had it not (as the Doctor well observes) so handsomely jumped with the Jewish feast of Purim on their fourteenth and fifteenth of March.  
The date of the Declaration being thus sufficiently wondered at: in the next place we proceed to the great benefits and advantages of this Liberty of Conscience: which are of such a kind, that neither King nor Council could possibly ever guess at, or hope for. For whereas his Majesty expects nothing else, but that silly stubborn people may hereby perceive their folly and error, and in time be reduced to a sober mind, and the Church of England: the Doctor holds forth, and declares that this same Toleration (if rightly understood) notwithstanding it came out in the blustering Month of March, will have such a vast influence and power over Holland, that all the fish now at Amsterdam (excepting the small fry) will forth with skip out of the water, and run all away to London: and that now, upon Liberty of Conscience, 'twill be as common a thing to meet with Carp, Pike, Tench, and Eel walking about the streets, as in the days of Uniformity to meet with a Dog or a Porter. But because this looks like too great an alteration on a sudden; therefore it is to be noted that by Carp we mean soft and smooth-mouthed Presbyterians: by Pike, bouncing and devouring Prelatists and Pluralists: and by Tench and Eel, muddy and slimy Opinionists: and well we may: both because of the feast of Purim, and that the Evening and the Morning were the fifth day.  
And now we are talking of Ponds and Rivers, of Prelates, Presbyterians, Opinionists and Fish: and there being a certain River here in England called Trent, affording only a small quibble (as small as the remaining fry at Amsterdam) it may be not amiss to observe, that of all waters the Papists delight most in Trent. For take a Papist and tie him head and heels together, and fling him with a good lusty stone about his neck into the Thames or any other River, besides Trent; and he presently sinks to the bottom, lies sullenly there, and will not feed nor fatten himself at all. But stroke him softly upon the back, and put him gently into the River Trent, and he's as brisk and frolic as a mouse in June, and in a very short time proves as fat as a Lamprey with nine eyes. For, as the Doctor well observes, a Papist is nothing else but a Lamprey with nine eyes. For as Rome standing upon seven hills was called Septicollis: so the Papists have just nine eyes, neither more nor less, and may be thence called Lampreys.  
Thus far, Dr, you are very airy, smooth and delightful; but, in my opinion, towards the latter end of this Section, you are a little too deep and somewhat reserved. Where you leave frying of Fish, and fall to telling the Pope, what a great loss he had (upon the Reformation) of the English Shambles, of the English Muttons and English Veals: and of the lusty chines of noble Fornicators, which he used to torture, as severely, as when they fell into the cruel clutches of King Lues or Morbus Gallicus. Now, Dr, that which I am horribly puzzled at, is this same King Lues. For searching very carefully my French History, I can hear no more news of any King Lues, than of King Scorbutus, or King Catarrhus. If you had committed these same Fornicationers into the clutches of King Pharamont, King Dagobert, or King Pippin; I had almost understood you: for, I know, that any of those would have clawed the rogues away: especially King Pippin, for a certain reason that I know: which I shall not now stand to tell you, but instead thereof tell you a short story out of one of your own Classical Authors.  
There was a man in the West, who being to be tried for his life, was asked by the Recorder his name; who answered spilman. Say you so, quoth the Recorder, spilman? 'twill go hard with you, upon my word, friend: for take away S. P. and what's your name then, Sirrah? Even what your Worship please, quoth spilman. Come, come, Sirrah, you are an old cunning Rogue: you have been of the trade, ever since you were born, and you know it well enough: for take away S. P. and 'tis Illman: and then Sirrrah, Sirrah, put but K to it, and 'tis Killman. Take him away Jaylotn, we need no witnesses in the case: he's a born Rogue, for his name has hanged him.  
'Tis good thus far; but what follows is much better and as Classical. A while after there came one to be tried before the Mayor, who having learned of the Recorder, how to hang in his absence, asked the fellow his name; who answered Wilson. How now, Sirrah! Wilson? take away S. P. and then 'tis Illman, and put K to't and then 'tis Killman, away with him Jailer.  
And let thus much serve for King Lues. Now we go to the Minister of the Doctor's Parish: upon whom he has two admirable remarks. First, his Parishioners don't grunt at him. And why? because he takes no Tythe-pigs. Secondly, his Church is constantly very full of Ears, because his barn has none. Admirably good indeed! have a care Dr. of going into the West, for if the Mayor meet you, he'll take away S. P. for your wit sake. This is Robin the Cricket! this is the fruits of Milk Pottage, crumbed thick, and eat hot! oh how it flushes the cheeks, and makes the fancy to glow again! Surely the young Scholar that put that handsome abuse upon Mr. Eton, had got a flush from some such inspiring Soupe: for he being at Mr. Eaton's house, where there was a Goose for dinner, Mr. Eton asked him if he would not eat some goose. The young Scholar being a little flushed, laid upon catch, till all was eaten and took away; then says he, I thank you for my good cheer, good Mr. Eton, for I perceive the goose is Eaten. This, Dr, as I well remember, happened in the reign of your King Lues, or immediately after.  
And now Dr, I have very little more to say to your Letter; only I cannot but a little delight myself to see what great pains you take to excuse yourself to your grave friend for being so merry and witty. Whereas I'll undertake to fetch an ordinary Waterman, and the Rogue shall not be assisted at all with any extraordinary flush; who (setting aside your Lachrymae, adusum Sarum, and two or three such Latin smallnesses) shall void as many passing and lusty jests between Temple-stairs and Westminster as are to be found in your whole Letter: and I'll not so much as except the Herrings tail hanging out of your wife's mouth. Neither, Dr, must you hope to be pardoned for overcharging such a very small measure of wit, with such a vast proportion of rudeness and arrogance; by saying that you were infected by reading a late Dialogue against Mr. Hobbs. For what if a young conceited coxcomb shall be so pert and confident as to try to invent any thing against Mr. Hobbs after so many grave and learned confutations of him: or be so idle and pragmatical as to crack a few louse upon his head, make a few trivial jests about his staff, & most philosophically confute his Boots: can't you see such a Jackanapes on horseback, but presently you must call for a pillion and get up behind him; or rather take a fresh Hobby-horse (that now is a kind of a King Lues or a Robinism) and ride his Jackanapeship quite out of sight? Truly, Dr, although all the world (as you say) is so very big with jest, yet this won't at all serve your turn, neither must you ever expect to see your intolerable dullness excused, by saying that we Nonconformists don't go to plays, and therefore we can't match their cocks. For there is a very worthy person that frequents Plays no more than thyself; whose Friendly Debates thou takest thy common rudeness to compare to the sputtering of Fish, or the scolding at Billingsgate: whereas 'tis known to all the world, that the same learned Author has given more proof of sense and wit in any six lines of his writings, than thy punning abilities will ever give thee lief so much as to understand thy whole life.  
And so farewell, Doctor, as to thy prose. Now for Poetica Licentia! now for liberty of Conscience in Rhyme! now stand by gout and sense, wit and good manners: and let the Doctor and his Muse Mopsa have a brush at pro and con. Now stretch forth thyself my dear one, and be thou transported above all the pedantic Laws of Poetry and Modesty. Don't sneak now, and like a Conformist, utter things that are mean and despicable: but speak fire and lightning, fury and raptures, and let the first mount be within a spit and a stride of the Moon. Thou knowest, my Girl, that thou hast been clipped and shortened; thou hast been in bonds and fetters, since that accursed twenty fourth of August. But the fifteenth of March is now come, my pretty witty slut: Liberty of Conscience is now come: Poetica Licentia is come: and the joy is great, the King is great, and the Bible (by Grandsire Hierarchy's leave) is now again great. And therefore pluck out the half herring out of thy mouth forthwith, and call together all the flowers and fancies, puns, and quibbles, and clinches in to thy assistance.  M. 
Truly, Dr, this cup of his Majesty's favour is so strong and heady that I can't at present find my feet; and to go about to make Verses without feet, is next unto going to Football with ones Shoulders.  Dr. 
Away, away, with such Vniformity-excuses: for seeing there's Liberty of Conscience, if thou hast no Feet, then fly, my Girl, I say fly into some loftiness and mightiness of Gratulation.  M. 
We would make Bonfires, Sir, but that we fear  
Name of Incendiaries we may hear.  Dr. 
That's most admirably said my dainty Mouse, let King Lues with all his Corneilles, Scuderies, and the rest of his morbifyed wits produce such a distich: 'tis short, clean and smart. Bonfires and Incendiaries; Powder and Peace; Treason and Glory. Amen. And now, my fine Wench, for one strain more: let it be seasonable and brisk and gripe the Church men for their tooting Organs and ting-tang Preaching.  M. 
We would have Music too, but 'twill not do,  
For all the Fiddlers are Conformists too.  
I pray, Dr, now let me say a word or two to your Muse: and you shall come in again by and by. Have the Conformists taken up all the Music and Fiddles, my Dear? I am sorry that thou shouldst be so disappointed: for if thou hadst sent to me, I could have furnished thee with great variety: either with grave slow-paced Nonconforming Pavins, concerning flowing-gushing-full with self-emptiness: or with Sarabrand of glittering and glaring glories: or with querpo-friscade, jigs of jests and jingles. And indeed, Muse, thou oughtest to take it very ill, that the Doctor himself was so unkind as not to offer thee out of his own rich treasure. For he could have shownthee a certain Letter, which he writ upon the great fright and confusion that his Books were in, upon the receiving of Dr. Reynold's Works into his study: where in my opinion he doesfar out-fiddle the very famous Sweed himself. For Justin Martyr, he feared he should again be a Martyr; Tertullian began to make Apologies, S. Aust in Retractations; and poor devout Bede got into a corner and fell to his Beeds. Jee Bald! Then for the Schoolmen, they all looked like Schoolboys: the Father's having before looked all like Children. And Preston's All-sufficiency pleaded Insufficiency. And which I had like to have forgotten, Cambden's Britannia ran quite away into the further parts of Germany, and was never heard of to this very day. And I done't at all question, but that let the Doctor have but his common flush; and his hand is every whit as good at a Sermon, as 'tis at a Letter. And now, I prithee go on, Muse; for I perceive by thy lip that thou hast one strain of Gratulation still left.  M. 
Nor can we Ring, the angry Churchman swears,  
By the Kings leave the Bells and Ropes are theirs.  
And let them take them. Yet our Tongues shall sing  
Your Honour louder than their Clappers Ring.  
Now, Dr; I desire to speak one word or so to yourself: beseeching you out of all love, that you would take off, and tie up your Muse; for most certainly, if she goes on thus, I shall either bepiss myself or go to the Groom of the Robe: for she slags so horribly and grows so deadly dull and jadish, that she is even forced to steal from our own self. For with Bells and Changes, with Ringing and Clappers, with Seeeples and Ropes you brought in his Majesty in your Iter Boreale. And now with the very same instruments you congratulate the Toleration. And besides all this, about 40 years agone, (as you may find it in a most faithful Historian) there was one John Hall who, being both a Cap-maker and a Sexton, died and lived again with just the very same sort of fancy. He died thus.  
Here lies John Hall the Vniversity-capper:  
Who lived by the Bell and died by the Clapper.  
And being cruelly mad, that he should be so bespattered after his death; he starts up again, after this manner.  

John Hall lives still,  
And lives in hope,  
That he shall live by the Bell,  
And you shall die by the Rope.   
But if after all this, your Muse has any thing new, I pray speak to her, and let's have it.  Dr. 
What dost think, Muse, of his Majesty's Declaration being a Trojane Mare with sole of Popery? Thou knowest 'tis but a little way from Rome to Troy; and if the Pope should break pasture— Besides, t'other day, I overheard the Gridiron most horribly grumbling at the Frying-pan.  M. 
As for the Pope's Supremacy, alack!  
'Tis but the Bunch upon the Camels back.  
The Lion's skin can't hide the Ass' Lugs;  
We stamp Pope's Faces on our bearded Juggs;  
And make no more confuting Bellarmine,  
Than taking off the lusty Ale or Wine.  Dr. 
This Muse of mine is both the most waggish, and most argumentative Stit, that I ever met withal in my whole life. Six such keen and compacted lines as these, shall most effectually keep out the Pope; when he shall make nothing to lean over a thousand dull pages of your learned Chillingsworths, grave Stilling fleets, and tillotson's. For most plain it is, and most demonstrative, that so long as the Pope continues to be a Camel, he can never with his Supremacy-bunch get into the low and narrow gate of Reformation. In like manner so long as we keep to our Bibles, and neglect not to paint Pope's faces; plentifully and largely upon our bearded juggs; the Pope will be hanged a thousand times over, before ever he'll come hither, to see himself so apparently vilified and affronted. Nay, if he were just now about landing, and any body were but there in readiness to hoist up against him, one of the best sort of these bearded juggs; he would presently turn tail, and run roaring home to Rome, as if you had a design to get away his Maidenhead. And in the last place, so long as we be careful to keep Ale or Wine in the Kingdom; and have spirit and valour enough to send for a vast pitcher, and say thereunto, oh thou Dragon, Bell or Bellarmine, be thou for ever confounded and as utterly run down, as this drink runs down my throat, so long I say as this care be taken, it will be impossible for any of the Defenders of the Church of Rome, ever to spread their Doctrine in this nation.  
And therefore as to this, my Muse, thou art certainly in the right. But what dost think of their Images and Music; of their Pixes and Fixes, and such fine tempting things.  
We all know Popes-head Alley trades in Toys,  
Our Merchants come not thither▪ but our Boys.  Dr. 
Most Divine and Politic! O Lachrymae, O Miserere! O the dullness and stupidity of Prelates and Churchmen, that should go about to suspect the increase of Popery, and not study to understand the concern and intrigue of Popes-head Alley! Ye Brethren and Sisters, and all that have Bibles: keep but the Roman Noses to the grindstone of your Bibles, and examine your own Consciences, and the History and traffic of Popes-head Alley, and if ever Clement or any other Pope get footing in England, I'll give him, and all his successors leave to kiss—  
But dost hear me once more, my girl; there are some perilous acute men among them; and without doubt they'll now take all occarion to write.  
Then I'll sh— against them.  
The other day into a place I went,  
Where Mortals use to go that want a vent;  
There by the mouth of Purgatory hole,  
Where many groan and their hard case condole:  
Saul Cressy's sacred legend I did find,  
One leaf whereof gave ease by breaking wind,  
And wiped Aspersions from Rome behind.  
Rare man (cried I) worthy to be no less,  
Than Groom o'th' stool unto his Holiness.  Dr. 
A most easy and compendious way of withstanding, confuting and suppressing Popery! For the Pope himself, he's to be faced down: Bellarmine to be drunk down: and Cressy to be wiped down. And therefore I say once again, (and I wish it would enter into the hearts of all cowardly and jealous Churchmen) that if his Majesty will be pleased not to confine me to set forms and fashions, but still to allow me the free me of my whole Bible; and that Costive Saturn does not seize upon my fundament, and bung up those hindmost faculties, if ever Popery get one inch further into England, let not Officious Robin ever go to stool again.  
But now, Dr, if I were sure that thy Muse had wiped her tail, and that she would not bedung me; I would venture to come a little closer to thee, and ask thee. Dost thou think when his Majesty was pleased to suspend the execution of penal laws upon such offenders as thyself, that he did then indulge such simplicity, such rudeness and slovenliness as thine? dost think that he intended therein to encourage such boyish, barbers, highway jests as Bonfires and Incendiaries, Music and Fiddlers, bells and ropes; as cups of Roman wormwood, Trojane Mares, Pope-faced juggs, Popes-head Alley and the like? such nasty, Kitching, Kennel fancies as Clement's Podex, Purgatory hole, Aspersions from Rome behind, and Groom of the close stool? I prithee, Robin, by what figure, or (to speak in thy own stile) by what Constellation, didst thou take out an O that should have been in the Rome behind, and two lines after, put it into the close stool? didst thou do it by Aquarius or Sagittarius? It is pity that besides the Groom of the Robe or Stole, that there were not such a preferment, as little children think there is, that thy Muse Mopsa might have the Ell of Holland to make clean her nasty mouth. But to go on, Doctor; suppose thy Doctorship had so much childishness, as to think it witty, to call the Papists Hobgobling, Hobby-horses, Huntingdon Sturgeons, etc. and to tell the world they need not be afraid of Popery; for there being a Capitol at Rome, the Papists are but mere gagling Ganders: and if some of them by great study should improve themselves into Geese, yet those Geese could never prove Swans: I say, suppose thy Doctorship was thus weak; what hadst thou done with thy Bible and Divinity, when thou sendest them to wrestle a fall with Tyburn, for the price of thy cow (which phanfie, I know as well as can be, thou hadst from the fellow that dwells at the corner of Hyde-park) and when thou wishest them beside, all headlong orucifyed? Nay, I'll suppose further, that this also was only trickish and frolic some: but then I would earnestly know, Dr, where was thy good manners and modesty; where was the loyalty, whiteness, and lawness of thy soul, when thou commendest also the Bishops and Reverend Clergy of his Majesty's Church to the Gallows: (for he is no Fanatic, nor ever intends to be one, as he tells thee in his Declaration) when thou callest our Curates Loggerheads, and the generality of our Priests, Fiddlers, Jackdaws, Sots and Judas': when thou tellest them that they wet themselves too much between meals, to fear any Smithfield persecution; and that they are good for nothing but to drink up the Wine and the Milk; and to take the beast of Rome by the Tail: (is this a frolic too?) but, that it is you, and such as you, that live wholly upon Scripture, and Rock water ten times distilled, who are to feed and watch, to dig & preach, and to assail Antichrist, & take him by the Horns. Yes, yes, we may guess, Dr, what an Assailant thou art likely to be, and what a dreadful Horn-taker! it is five to one, if thou shouldst meet that same beast in a narrow lane▪ but that thou wouldst either untruss at him, or bid King Lues and the Devil take him, or else threaten to speak to thy Bodies-maker, to whistle for Sagittarius to come away and shoot him; as he lately did Durham and Gloucester. A most sad cause indeed, Dr! that wit should be so extraordinary low with thee, that thou shouldst be able to devise nothing else to reproach the best Church in the world, than to abuse a couple of its Learned and Reverend Prelates for that common absurdity of dying at fourscore years of age.  
I might, Doctor, had I patience, take notice also that as thy scurrility itself is so weak and languid, that a very Cock-sparrow if offended would bristle up and defy thee: so thy Encomiums and good words are so abominably mean and tedious, that one had better live ten fathom under ground, than be known, and so vilely quibbled on. Thus after a most doggrel prayer for the Duke of Lauderdale's good journey into Scotland (which, had he gone by Sea, was almost doggrel enough to have cast him away) O thou dost not question but the Scots will find his Grace, and his blue ribbon, true blue. My Lord Clifford's soul is to be as white as his staff: The Chancellor of the Exchequer's word is to go for currant money: and the Duke of Buckingham is to keep the saddle, because of the Horse. Now I profess, in my opinion, Doctor, it would almost tempt a man, neither to have name, nor office, money nor clothes; neither to do well, nor intent well, rather than be obnoxious to such a lewd and ill-favoured commender.  
And now, Doctor, I have to desire of you, that you would not put yourself to so much trouble, as to endeavour, to excuse the meanness of what you have lately written; either by saying that since the days of prosperous Presbytery you wanted a gloss of wine after Dinner, or that you were out of humour, or that your parts are much shattered with these ten last years persecution: but rather that you and your friends would submit to the common report and opinion; and believe that you never had any, nor possibly ever can have any wit at all; notwithstanding you have a whole book full of printed poems, and that there can scarce be a bull-baiting, but you begin presently to muster: I say (notwithstanding all this great readiness to rhyme) before we parted, I thought fit plainly to acquaint you, that he that shall either look into the history of your life (which is very near ready for the press) or into the History of your Poetry, (which also will be shortly out) will easily perceive that your wit is not at all wasted by gout, old age, tribulation for Conscience sake, or the like; but that you never had any in your whole life, neither did any body ever think so, but such as ran the hazard of printing your doggrels. And therefore I desire Doctor, you would consider that it is not a sufficient stock for a Poet, to set up only with the Latin names of the days of the week, and of 3 or 4 of the famous Nine: and to be able to call to one and say, here Melp, creep you into the shoe-hole and lie close there; till t'other Girl goes to Breda and fetch over the King: but there's good learning, good judgement, good converse, and good manners too required; which, all the world know, you never took care of any further, than to be acquainted with the mere Titles of Books, and to make Tertullian to Apologise, Origen to Allegorise, Chrysosthom to Homilize, and the like. Nor ever hadst thou wit sufficient to venture into any company, for which thou mightest be the better: but only to get into some Farrier's or some soft yielding Gentleman's house, and there to quibble over the birth or death of some child. And as for thy acquaintance with Cleaveland (of which thou art so very proud, that thou canst scarce meet a boy in the street, but thou runnest him up in a corner, and givest him the witty adventures of it) I understood his humour as well, as if I had held upon my knee the frying pan for him, or ran for mustard: and thereupon I know, that he never took thee abroad with him, for any archness or pleasantness that was to be had in thy company; but only, not certainly knowing how the Country might be provided for his purpose, he used to carry some game along with him, that he might be always sure of one to be abused. And upon that account it was, that he would permit thee sometimes to lie at his beds feet; that, if he should chance to wake before the Chamberlain came up, he might fall presently upon thee, and lose no time: and sometimes he would suffer thee to ride behind him, upon the same Horse; not that he admired thee, as an ingenious Mistress, but only that thou mightest be in a constant readiness to be made ridiculous.  
And as, by what I have now said, and by thy late Essay upon the Declaration, it is very plain that thou wantest the very first materials and fundamentals of being a Wit; so is it as plain from the whole History of thy Poetry, that thou didst always want them. For suppose one fhould be so overkind, as to suffer thee to pick out the very masterpieces of thy fancy: such as the Norfolk and Wisbich Cock fight: the Bottles of Sack and Claret laid in sand and covered with a sheet: the Imprisonment of Mr. Calamy, and the famous Iter Boreale itself: I can easily tell, how these possibly might please some people, without having the least grain of wit in them. As for the Cock fight; 'tis most tediously quibbling about Peacocks, Weathercocks, Woodcocks and fight cocks; and besides to wards the latter end, most abominably bawdy. As for that Poem upon the buried wine; I shall say no more but this: 'tis most villainously profane from top to bottom, with expressions alluding to the Grave and Resurrection. I pray, Dr, do so much as look upon those verses at your leisure; and see if your tender, spotless, and mealy-mouthed Nonconformity can sanctify such bawdry and profaneness. As for the third, 'tis so ridiculous that I know nothing like it but the song of the Blacksmith that common Fiddlers use to sing. For there you show that Mr. Calamy's being put into Prison by the Bishop of London was much more tolerable, than your being imprisoned by Bishop Gout. For the Bishop of London put him only into Newgate, and that lately: but the lordly and proud Bishop Gout had put you twenty years ago, not into Newgate, or Ludgate, or Aldersgate, but into Cripplegate. Oh the unsufferable pride and lordliness of some tyrannical Prelates! Besides, this Bishop Gout makes your body his Diocese; and there he keeps Courts, and there he has a visitation for every Limb; and urges every Joint to conform, & those that will not, he articles against And when the Gout is in the hand, than my Lord Gout has you in hand, and when 'tis in your toes, he has you by the toes. And now, can you and your friends think this Wit? done't you fear every day that you rise, that his Majesty should call in again his Mandate, and send for that same Doctorship he gave thee, and bestow it upon some honest merry Porter? And lastly, as for thy famous Iter Boreale itself: I know it was much bought up, and read by many. But don't gull yourself, Dr; for it was not because there was any good humour, wit or Poetry in it; but because any thing upon that Subject would have been admired, after such sad and dismal times. Nay, so it was that the very word King was amongst us so great a rarity, that he that could but get into a verse, God save the King, or the like, should be as much flocked about, as if he were the Author of that famous distichupon the lovure.  
And I must tell you besides, Dr, that though our Nation was wonderfully glad to hear of his Majesty being restored; yet such as could receive such welcome news, without losing their senses, did at that very time, look upon all that poem to be very sad, and lamentable. So that the whole of the matter, Dr, is come to this: if you do stubbornly persist in the opinion of your having now, or ever having any wit at all; and that you do resolve to continue this vile trade of rhyming; then do it decently and becomingly: and lay aside your Doctorship, your Gown, your Profession and your looking gravely, and do you and your Bodies-maker set up under St. Andrews wall, and there practise upon your own works.  
I should now, Dr▪ say a word or two to your friends of the Toleration: but I suppose it would be needless, because by what I have already said to yourself, they'll fully comprehend your worth, and perceive howmuch they undervalue and disparage themselves, by continuing any further acquaintancewith you. And I hope they'll nowsee 'tis high time, not only to banish from their houses▪ and▪ company, such a bawdy, profane, nasty and witless scribbler, but not suffer thee ever to say so much again, as We Nonconformists. And, if any of them have a longing desire to see the little gridiron of England, and the huge frying pan of Rome utterly thrown down, I hope also that they'll think it their concern and interest, not to trust to such a Ballad-maker as thyself, to take the Beast by the Horns. Faremell.  
FINIS.