THE MOCK-DUELLIST, OR, The French Vallet. A COMEDY.  
Acted at the THEATRE ROYAL, By his Majesty's Servants.  
Written by P. B. Gent.  
Licenced May 27. 1675. Roger L'Estrange.  
LONDON: Printed by J. C. for William Crook, at the Green Dragon without Temple-bar. 1675.   

TO THE VIRTUOUS ACCOMPLISHED Lady, MADAM S. C.  
MADAM,  
THe French Vallet, according to his natural Insolence, throws himself at your feet; not in his broken English, with a Begar Madam, me voul 'ave it de so, but in that Dialect used by the most refined Wits,— Vous supplye tres humblement Le regarder d'un aspect favourable.  
Which blessing he vows is a sufficient saveguard against those three Fatalities of Books; Envy, Spite, and Malice. I know, Madam, that to have shrouded under your generous protection all that the greatest Gallantry of the two most Polite Nations of the world could have wound up to the highest sublimity of Wit, had worn some face of Justice, which might have rendered the presumption excusable; it being so generally known, that none with more reason than yourself, could undertake the Censure of what is so much your own; I mean La parfaite cognoissance du beau Monde. But Champagne's Crime can plead no excuse; and being beyond the reach of ordinary Clemency, can have no other hopes, than in that goodness which shines with so much Lustre throughout all your actions. Take pity of him, Madam; and while your hand is in, pardon also the liberty which his Advocate takes, of subscribing himself,  
Madam, Your most humble Servant, P. B.   

THE PROLOGUE.  
YE who will judge, and ye that can indeed,  
(And Right, rather than long Prescription plead,)  
To both we equally do bow this night,  
Owning the Power of one and th'other's right.  
Our Poet says, h'as brought you a new Play,  
Or if no new dish— dressed another way,  
And better too, he thinks— Plot, Humour, Wit,  
(The Devil's in it if it do not hit)  
Leading you not through horrid rugged ways;  
Knows better how to please, than to amaze.  
Of Lines of Wonder you have had enough,  
That pose your Intellect, and th' Authors too;  
And to this Age's spite will live perplexed,  
To dare the Understanding of the next.  
His easier Scene no big-swollen rumbling speaks,  
That while you look on't, like a Bubble breaks,  
Tumbling along with an amazing noise;  
But his accost is gentle Nature's voice.  
In this conceit he brisks, begins to swell,  
And swears he shall come off at least as well  
As some applauded Freemen of the Trade,  
Whom neither Art nor Nature Poets made.  
'Twere brave if 't would go thus, and you should be  
Persuaded to believe't as well as he.  
But he'll go less; for all this little Huff,  
At other intervals he's tame enough,  
And wisely then considers what is due▪  
From his bold weakness, to such Powers as you;  
You whose Prerogative is understood  
To give the stamp, and make the Mettle good,  
With Privilege as great and unconfined  
As his, who Leather into Money coined.   

Actor's NAMES.  


Sir Amorous Frost, An old doting Knight, in love with Kitty Noble.  
Sir Hope Coggin, Suitor to the Lady Lovewealth.  
Noble, Servant to Diana, Coggin.  
Crosby, Servant to Phill. Airy.  


Peregrine Airy,  
Young Airy,   Brothers.  
Shift, A Cheat.  
Slye, Noble's man.  
Champagne, A French servant to Sir Amorous.  
Clay, A Country-Bumpking, Suitor to the Lady Lovewealth.  
Clunch, Clay's man.  
A Brave.  
Thiefs.  
Constable and Watch.   

Maskers, Music, and Attendance.  
The Lady Lovewealth, A covetous Lady.  
Diana, Sister to Sir Cog. Mrs. to Noble.  
Phill. Sister to the Airies, in love with Sir Cog.  
Mrs. Crostitch, Mrs. of the School.  
Kitty, Sister to Noble.  
Phanny, Betrothed to Crosby.  
Lysse, Woman to Diana.  
Siss, Woman to Phill.  
Prew, Woman to the Lady Lovewealth.    
The SCENE Covent-garden.   


A CATALOGUE of BOOKS Newly Printed for William Crook.  
1. SIr Henry Blunt's Voyage into the Levant, in 12. Price 1 s.  
2. The Flower-garden, showing how all sorts of Flowers are to be Ordered. The time of Flowering, taking them up, and Planting them, etc. By W. Hughes, 12. Price 1 s.  
3. Poems of the Right Reverend Dr. Rich. Corbet, late Lord Bishop of Norwich. Corrected and enlarged. Price 1 s.  
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7. The Old Troop, or Monsieur Raggou. A Comedy. Acted at the Theatre Royal. Price 1 s.  
8. The Memoires and Adventures of Sylvia Moliere. Price 2 s.  
9 Vlysses' Travels. By Mr. Hobbes. In English Verse. Price 1 s.  
10. Calliopes Cabinet opened and reviewed; wherein all Gentlemen, of what Rank soever, may know how to Adorn themselves for Feast, etc. By J. Salter. Price 8 d.  
11. A New Collection of Poems and Songs, wrote by the present Wits of the Age, upon several Subjects. Price 1 s. 6 d.  
12. A Discourse of the Dukedom of Modena, being the present Duchess of Yorks Country. Price 6 d.  
13. Brevis Demonstratio: A Discourse proving Christianity by Reason. Price 10 d.  
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15. The Primitive Institution. By L. Addison, one of the King's Chaplains. Price 1 s. 6 d.   

BOOKS Printed this Year 1675. For William Crook.  
1. Homer's Odysses: Translated into English, by Tho. Hobbes of Malmsbury; with a large Preface concerning the Virtues of an Heroic Poem. Price 4 s.  
2. The Present State of the Jews (more particularly those relating to Barbary) wherein is contained an exact Account of their Customs Secular and Religious: Discovered by the many years conversation with their R. R. By L. Addison, D. D. one of his Majesty's Chaplains in Ordinary. Price 2 s 6 d.  
3. The Jurisdiction and Lawfulness of the Authority of Courts Leet, Baron, Marshalsea, Pypowder, and Ancient Demesn, etc. by J. Kitchen: To which is now added a Collection of choice Writs, by R. A. and T. J. The Fifth Edition. Price 6 s.  
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5. The Golden Rule made plain and easy, by a short Method, different from that which is commonly found in Books of Arithmetic. By C. H. Price 3 d.  
6. De Mirabilibus Pecci, carmen Tho. Hobbes Malmsbury. Price 6 d.  
7. Euterpe Revived; being Epigrams on the most Eminent Persons of Honour now living. Price 1 s.  
8. The Amorous Gallant: or Love in Fashion. A Comedy, in Heroic Verse, as it was Acted. Price 1 s.    
THE Mock-Duellist, OR, The FRENCH VALLET.  


ACT I. SCENE I.  Shift, Thief. Shift. 
ONce more I tell thee, Boy, thou shalt have Gold:  
Wilt thou not take my word? By these two Relics.  Thief. 
Prithee hold fast; thou hast but little hold.  Shift. 
Why, there's the thing, that's it whets my revenge;  
The little flesh I lost on either side,  
Through the severity of old Sir Amorous  
The Justice that lives in that Corner-house,  
Has swollen my spleen to that excess of rage,  
That nothing but the greatest of Revenge  
I can invent, is able to allay it.  Thief. 
It was sharp dealing, I must needs confess.  Shift. 
Most certain. Hear, what I've already done  
In order to this business.  Thief. 
Out with't, man.  Shift. 
I am of late possessed with the affections  
Of a young Lady at a Boarding-school,  
Who, notwithstanding her severe restraint,  
Has made a shift to give me her consent  
To Marry me.  Thief. 
To Marry thee, sayst thou?  
I'th' name of Fortune, for what dost thou pass?  Shift. 
For nothing less than a Lords younger Brother,  
What with my Tongue, my Person, and Gay Clothes:  
My stories have so tickled her young heart,  
She wishes hard this day be at an end,  
That in the darkness o'th' succeeding night  
I might (as I have promised) steal her hence.  Thief. 
But what's all this to Sir Amorous Frost?  
Let's hear what thy revenge prompts thee to do.  Shift. 
Why thus: in this servile sort of disguise  
Thou seest, I have oftentime met our Justice;  
As often prepossessed him with the love  
Of my new Miss unto his Worship's person;  
Insomuch, that what with Letters and Bills,  
Together with some other circumstances  
Too long to tell, I have so filled his head  
With fingle-fangles, that he is resolved  
This night (through her desires, as he thinks)  
To get her off, by a Ladder of ropes,  
And then to marry her. Now comes the sport:  
Get you in readiness, 'twixt two and three  
This very night, half a dozen stout Lads  
Fitly disguised to act the Watchman's parts;  
Your rendezvous shall be at the street-end.  
Fail not in this, and leave me to the rest.  
I had almost forgot to let thee know,  
That French man whom I cunningly got off  
The last Sessions but two▪  Thief. 
An excellent Rogue!  Shift. 
I have disposed of to our Amorous Knight,  
As a present from his Miss.  Sir Amorous, Champagne. 
Look, look, yonder he comes; step you aside:  
We'll both in here, and mark what he will do.  Sir Am. 
Come, come, turn out I say.  Champ. 
Jerny me voul  
Et den your Madmoisel turn de you out:  
Begar me go tell de her you no proper  
To make the Gentleman; you no most have  
De French Vallet, dat is geanty, gallant,  
No fit for the you dat: Jerny most have  
De doll, de Diable, de simple English man  
To serve de you, dat can no tesh de you  
De Gallantry; no so mosh as de spoke.  
Fee, fee, begar, no me shame for the you  
Jerny, me voul go, no.  Sir Am. 
Should he in spite  Aside 
Go tell my Mistress this, it might spoil all,  
When I consider that she put him to me,  
By the means of her confident, that man  
Who interchangeably conveys our Letters,  
The sole Correspondency we ever had,  
Through her severe restraint: I must submit.  
Champagne, do but reflect on what y'have done.  
Y'have stolen my Linen, lost your Hat and Clothes,  
Spent all that Money I'd given you to lay out,  
Which was five or six pounds.  Champ. 
Me lay it ote, Jerny.  Sir Am. 
On your own self, and give me no account.  
Home you come naked, hundred Boys at your heels;  
Then fit yourself afresh from my best store,  
All without Licence.  Champ. 
Begar, 'tis no the fasson  
De Franshe serviteur de ask de permission;  
Look the your Papier, and you voul see  
It is the me devoir to sheet de you.  
Begar, you no understand de Civilité  
Francoise; you call de sheet, dat is simplement  
De gaillardise, de tour d'addresse, Jerny.  
It is meskin, begar.  Sir Am. 
I must be quiet,  
And for the present wink at all his faults;  
But time will come, I shall alter the Scene.  
Well, well, Champagne, upon condition  
That for the future you'll live orderly,  
All shall be now forgot. I will allow you  
A Crown a day, and you shall promise me  
That you'll be honest, and cheat me no more.  After a pause, Champ. Champ. 
Well, tosh de la? do me lose be the bargain,  
Me vould oblige the you. Come, give l'argent.  Sir Am. 
Well, well, let's in, and I'll give it thee there.  As Sir Am. is going in, Shift steps to him, and gives him a Letter. Sir Am. 
Another Letter?  Shift. 
Lest the former should fail,  
In speaking not clear enough her intentions.  Sir Am. 
How does she do? Does she look briskly on't?  
Thou seest I do: speak; Is she cheerful, man?  Shift. 
As her Impatiency, Sir, will permit.  Sir Am. 
Take this for thy reward.  Shift. 
I thank your Worship.  Sir Am. 
'Tis a very small hand: where are my Spectacles?  
Now let me see.  
My dearest Knight;  
Since you have been so punctual to observe all my Injunctions, I can no more doubt of your real Affections; I shall think the time long till I am clasped within the loving Circle of your arms. This night if you will come to receive me as yours, 'twixt one and two, I shall impatiently expect your presence at the second window next the Garden, where you will find  
Yours wholly, Kath. Noble.  Sir Am. 
Let me see that again?  
Yours wholly, Kath. Noble? 'tis just so.  
I must not doubt your secrecy in this?  (To Shift. Shift. 
I'll be as secret to you as your thoughts.  Sir Am. 
'Tis very well; that Virtue is a Jewel  
Which must be set in Gold. Here, take the rest.  
Only an earnest of my future love.  
Thou must assist me in this my design,  
In this Amorous Theft.  Shift. 
Sir, I am yours.  
I'll not be wanting: be you but disguised,  
And I'll secure you all.  Sir Am. 
Trust me for that  
I can do it naturally, as it were.  
What odd disguise dost thou think would do best?  Shift. 
A woman's dress, nothing were better, Sir.  Sir Am. 
thouart in the right: but how should I come by it  
Without suspicion?  Shift. 
Leave that, Sir, to my care.  Sir Am. 
I prithee do, and be sure not to fail  
Precisely at th'appointed time and place.  Shift. 
I'd as soon disappoint a Rich young wife,  
As fail your Worship, Sir. This night at two  
I shall be punctual, Sir— to plague your heart.  Exit Shift winks at Champ. Sir Am. 
Champagne, come here.  
How dost thou like me now?  Champ. 
O! ver well—  
Begar you look de no, Justement,  
Comme de young Gallant: you have de odre day▪  
De bougre de hair all vitt, et no you have  
De Peruque frisee; you vaunt  
No more, Jerny, que de feat, vensh et drink.  Sir Am. 
Fight, wench, and drink? I'm old-dog at that.  
This Love is a strange thing: I'm young again.  
Henceforth to Justice I must bid adieu;;  
That becomes not my Youth. Judge thou Champagne  
Whether this Wig and Suit would fit the Bench.  Champ. 
No par ma foy, es better too sand tim  
For de la Comedy▪  Sir Am. 
How do I walk?  (Struts. Champ. 
O ho! me tosh you dat.  Sir Am. 
And sing? fa-la-la-la-  Champ. 
Me tesh you dat.  Sir Am. 
And fence? ha ha!  (Makes a Pass. Champ. 
Me tesh you dat.  Sir Am. 
Oddsniggs▪ I had forgot  
My French, Champagne.  Champ. 
Oh! me no tesh▪ you dat.  
Odnigg, odnigg, dat pitiful, Jerny,  
Dat justement come de povre diable.  
Alon donc? Qu'on prenne sa lecon  
Par la Mort, par la Teste.  Sir Am. 
Par la Mort, par la Teste.  (Sir Am. say after him. Champ. 
Bon, Jerny.  Sir Am. 
Bon Jerny.  Champ. 
Ay? no say bon Jerny.  Sir Am. 
Ay? no say bon Jerny.  Champ. 
Diable soit de la beast.  Sir Am. 
Diable soit de la beast.  Champ. 
Ah! Jerny, hell, hell: no say after me,  Stops Sir Am. mouth. 
Je donne au diable Madamoiselle.  Sir Am. 
Je donne, etc.  Champ. 
Si je ne suis le plus humble serviteur.  Sir Am. 
Si je ne suis, etc.  Champ. 
De tous les serviteurs de vos Valets.  Sir Am. 
De tous les serviteurs, etc.  Champ. 
Very good! alone, encore!  Sir Am. 
Very good, alone, encore.  (Stops Sir Am. mouth. Champ. 
Non! Madamoiselle je suis rany d'avoir donné  
Jusques dans la Country escarpe de vos bonnes graces.  Sir Am. 
Madamoiselle, etc.  Champ. 
Fort bien? no for the dance, Alerte Jerny.  
Stand de you very straight, just come de me.  
So, very good.  (dance. Stands stooping. Sir Am. 
Now let me see whether I have observed  
Exactly her Commands: this is her Note,  
Written with her own hand. In the first place,  (Kisses the Note. 
You are to be apparelled i'th' French Mode,  
To have this French Vallet, Companion rather,  
Who is to teach you to Dance, Sing, and Fight,  
To speak a Norman, or a Gascon French;  
To Swear and Curse, in the same Dialect;  
And cheat you of your Linen, Clothes, and Cash,  
Before your face; at which you must but laugh.  Champ. 
Oh! O! do you see no? pray observe dat.  Sir Am. 
And swear by Jove, it is a witty Knave.  Champ. 
Un Crown de day? me lose be the bargain.  Sir Am. 
Then I must have you court some Gaysome Lady,  
To accustom yourself 'gainst you have me.  
Jerny, Champagne, je had forgot this last.  
Hast vous incontinent to Monsieur Coggin,  
Et know quand je can wait upon the Madmoisell.  
Madmoisell Phill. Airy, pour kiss her bais les mains.  Champ. 
Ha! ha! ha! me go presentment.  (Calls back Champ. Sir Am. 
Champagne, didst thou not laugh at me, just now?  Champ. 
Ma foy un little.  Sir Am. 
There's for thy pains. Be gone.  
At thy return thou'lt find me in the Hall.  Exeunt severally.  

SCENE II. A Street.  Per. Phill. Phan. and Siss at a distance. Per. in a Riding habit; the Women in Morning-dresses, and Vizard-masks. Phill. 
I Had intelligence a fortnight since  
Of his coming to Town to woo the Widow.  Per. 
The Widow Lovewealth, sayst?  Phill. 
The very same  
Which put me on the business you shall hear.  Per. 
Out with't; I long to hear't.  Phill. 
Thus in short.  
You are to know my adversion towards Crosby  
Being grown up unto a hatred of him,  
By the sad narrative which Madam Phanny  
Had made me of his base treachery towards her,  
Caused on the other hand a sudden growth  
To those well-wishings I had for Sir Coggin  
Into affections—  Per. 
Otherwise called Love.  Phill. 
It shall be what you please. This made me seek  
All handsome means to break off those concerns  
Which my Knight had, with th'interest Lady Lovewealth.  
I soon made with his Sister a firm league,  
And did so order things, 'tis now a week  
That I lie in their Lodgings, where I have had  
More opportunity to work my ends.  
Last night I did contrive so, that a Letter  
Was delivered into Sir Coggins' hands  
In presence of me, with this Message to't▪  
That it was sent from an unknown Lady▪  
In which was mentioned, that he should meet this day  
In the Piazza at four a clock a person  
That likely would inform him of some things  
Of his nearest concerns. He read the Note,  
And presently assured the Messenger  
He should not fail the assignation.  
I had just parted with him, when I met  
Timothy Clay, with his Man and his Dog,  
Inquiring earnestly of each he met  
Concerning me, who was but just gone by▪  
When I met you.  Per. 
Well, but what said Sir Cogging?  
Did he not know thee, think'st?  Phill. 
Not in the least.  
I told him in a counterfeited voice,  
The Lady Lovewealth did despise him so,  
That a Rival was entertained by this  
In his own room: if therefore he'd desist  
His pursuit in that place, a worthy Lady  
Would entertain his Love, who surely had  
Such an esteem for's person, as would amount  
To th' making him her Husband.  Per. 
What said he?  Phill. 
I did not give him time, but added straight,  
That if he'd meet me in that place again  
'Twixt five and six, I should inform him further.  
To which he answered, that he would not fail.  Per. 
How durst thou venture thyself all-a-lone  
Without company with thee? Where is Siss?  Phill. 
Those two persons you see there—  Per. 
Who be they? Dost thou know them?  Phill. 
Yes, I do.  
The one is Madam Phanny, th'other Siss.  
Thus all-along they've kept me company,  
At such a distance as you see they observe.  Enter Day, Clunch, and Dog. 
Here's Tim. Day, Brother, we must not be known.  Per. 
Let me alone for that: art sure 'tis he?  Phill. 
My life on't, man. 'tis best I should retire,  
And leave him to your handling: if he bite,  
Bring him in the backway, there I'll confirm  
Whatever you have said.  Per. 
Say no more, wench.  Exeunt Woman. Clay. 
Do you know our Neighbour?  Clunch. 
Where she lives?  Per. 
Perhaps I might, did I but know her name.  Clay. 
Why her name is pretty Mistress Phill. Airy.  
What say you now?  Per. 
That I do know the person;  
And if you please, I shall conduct you to her.  
I am her servant, Sir,  Day. 
sayst thou me so, friend?  
A-gad-a-mercie faith; give him a groat,  
Clunch; come, dispatch, a shall have a gray groat.  Clunch. 
Oye, oye, soft there, pray let him earn it first.  Clay. 
But hark you now, what kind of servant pray?  Per. 
My Profession, Sir—  Clay. 
Oye, oye, let's hear, what's that?  Per. 
Is to instruct both Gentlemen and Ladies  
I'th' art of Compliments; besides, I show  
To such strangers as you, the Town and Court,  
The Gallantry thereof, and the Intrigue—  Day. 
Intrigue? what place is that?  Per. 
By that I mean  
Th'ingenious conversation 'twixt the Wits  
Of either Sex, both in the Court and City.  Clay. 
You say that you teach Compliments?  Per. 
I do so, Sir.  Clay. 
Why then I'll tell you friend, 'twixt you and I,  
I'm come to town to court a certain Lady,  
Who is already courted to my hands;  
But that for fashion-sake (a murrain on't!)  
I must bestow some few upon her Chaps.  
Therefore, if you can help me to a brace  
O'th' newest of them at reasonable Rate,  
I'll be your Chapman: I have money enough;  
Have I not, Clunch?  Clunch. 
Why, who dares question that?  (Holds up his Bat. Per. 
I do not in the least.  Clunch. 
You were not best.  Per. 
But so few Compliments, I am afraid  
Will scarce serve turn.  Clay. 
Then keep them to yourself,  
For I could never yet learn how to write,  
Scarce how to read; and do you think that I  
Will burden my membry with Compliments?  Per. 
What if I teach you the new Mode of Courtship,  
In which you'll need but one single Compliment,  
And all the rest is voluntary Wit?  Clay. 
I marry, now you say something indeed;  
But what d'you mean by voluntary Wit?  Per. 
'Tis high Hyperboles, Anglicè Nonsense.  
No matter, Sir, how wide 'tis from the matter,  
So you but keep your Countenance, go on,  
And scarce take time to breathe.  Clay. 
Those what you call—  
Hyper-bullies, and Anglicè Nonsense,  
I shall ne'er learn without book, I'm afraid.  After a pause. Per. 
Well, Sir, suppose I have a way for that?  
What can you then object?  Clay. 
I am not, Sir,  
For your objects, I'm for one Compliment:  
And if so, why then so. Faith you and I  
Will be better acquainted.  Per. 
Well, in short,  
Because we are strangers to one another,  
For further satisfaction, if you please  
To let me wait on you to th' Lady Airy,  
She will inform you of my Capacity  
In my Profession.  Clay. 
Gad-a-mercie faith;  
A dad a speaks, Clunch, like an honest man:  
Come, we'll along.  Exeunt.  

SCENE III. Lady Lovewealth's house.  Lady Lovewealth, Prew. Prew. 
I Hope your Ladyship will none of him.  Lady. 
Of whom talk'st thou?  Prew. 
Mr. Timothy Day.  Lady. 
Thou silly thing! is he not wondrous Richardo?  Prew. 
Yes, Madam, and that's all.  Lady. 
'Tis all indeed:  
For in that word is comprehended all  
That I aspire at. Suppose he be  
The ill-bred Chip of a rough-hewn block;  
Impertinent, absurd, given to drink,  
And to all sottishness; what's that to me?  
I'll endeavour somewhat to polish him:  
If I cannot succeed, he take that course,  
And I will even take this—  Prew. 
Which, Madam, pray?  Lady. 
I'll give myself all the freedom I can  
In modesty enjoy; take th'advantages  
Of all his beastly extravagancies.  
I'll insinuate myself i th' management  
Of the Estate; lull him asleep with ease;  
Yield a full scope to all his appetites,  
While I will work my ends, hoard up his Gold,  
And spend on't at my list, on this, or that;  
Eat, drink, wear what I please; as often change:  
Go out, come in again, early or late,  
Without control; have servants for my turn:  
All this, and all things else, as I think fit.  
What more can I desire? would he were come:  
I long to see the man.  Prew. 
Sir Coggin, Madam,  
Th'obliging Knight, what must become of him?  Lady. 
Faith, Prew, e'en as he pleases; here 't 
I'm for the Richest still.  Enter Boy. Boy. 
The Tailor, Madam  
Has brought some Patterns for your Ladyship.  Exeunt.  

SCENE IU.  Per. Phill. Clay, Clunch and Tray. Phill. 
SIr, in a word, he is the only man  
On all accounts of Gallantry, you could  
Have pitched upon.  Clay. 
Avads I think a be?  Phill. 
And for your sake, I'll dismiss him my service;  
He shall be wholly yours.  Clay. 
Neighbour, good thanks.  
You hear, Sir? henceforth you're too be mine;  
Our Neighbour says the word.  Per. 
Sir, I am yours.  (To Per. Clay. 
Why very well. Now, because I'm in haste,  
I'd have you dogmentise me instantly.  
Was not that a hard word?  Per. 
Most excellent!  Clay. 
Nay, sometimes I hit on 'em, do you see?  
Come, give me some destructions.  Per. 
Very well.  
Now, Sir, observe, since I'm fully informed  
You do not care for troubling of yourself  
With Compliments, I'll teach you the new Mode  
A la Soldate.  Clay. 
Hy-day! what's that, I pray?  Per. 
That is to say, Soldierlike Courtship, Sir;  
A kind of rough-hewn way newly come up,  
Which takes wondrous well in Court and City:  
'Tis generally used.  Clay. 
I long to know't.  Per. 
Why thus in short: suppose that Lady there  
Were your Maitress  Per. comes up to Phill. in an affected way. Clay imitates redicul. Clay. 
That's Latin for my Lady?  Per. 
No, Sir, 'tis French: thus I make my approach.  
'Tis very well.  Clay. 
Nay faith let me alone  
To speak all the dumb Courtship, do you see?  Per. 
Thus having kissed her hand, you must begin  
Your Compliment.  Clay. 
Can't I do't without speaking?  Per. 
Not without speaking, Sir: but do you mark,  
That you may have no use of memory,  
I'll write you down a Compliment.  Clay. 
Nay, nay,  
That will not do: for to tell you the truth,  
I could never yet read a written hand,  
Except it were in print.  Per. 
It shall be so.  
This done, and handsomely conveyed within your hat,  
Which holding thus you shall read to you Lady,  
She knowing not but you deliver it  Viva voce— Day. 
That's French again; oye oye.  
Efecks it will be brave.  Per. 
Your Compliment  
Delivered as is said, you must begin  
Either to whistle, sing, hop up and down—  Clay. 
Or else play with my dog. But tell me though,  
Suppose my Lady speaks some Compliments  
To me again, what then?  Per. 
Why, if she do,  
She will not greatly mind what you will say,  
Neither must you mind her.  Clay. 
'Tis very true.  
For why should I mind her, and she not me?  
Let me alone for that. That is, you say—  
A lafoy— what do you call it?  Per. 
A la Soldat.  Clay. 
I'll defy any single man in town  
To do't better than I. Me thinks I'm at it.  
High Tray! alas poor rogue!  (Struts and whistles. Per. 
That's very well.  
It is done to the life. After a while,  
If you do find the Lady to be silent—  Clay. 
So let her be! so I would have her faith.  Per. 
You must begin—  Clay. 
No Compliments, I hope?  Per. 
No, Sir.  Clay. 
Nay, than it will do well enough.  Per. 
Only make use of some familiar talk:  
As for example, What is most in fashion,  
What News abroad, or else of some new Play.  Clay. 
Or of my dog Tray; or else, do you see,  
Tell her how many Beasts, Sheep, Hogs; and Geese  
My Father left me, besides, Money and Lands  
In ready Cash.  Per. 
There's nothing better, Sir.  Clay. 
But yet, suppose she has an itching mind  
To Compliment?  Per. 
Then you must let her know  
That being of opinion that Compliments  
Are of too soft a nature for a man  
(Especially of metal) for to use,  
You've hired me to supply in that part.  Clay. 
Effecks it will be rare.  Per. 
Then will I court—  Clay. 
The Lady, as for me.  Per. 
'Tis very right.  Clay. 
Oddsniggs, I had forgot where we're to go.  (To Clunch. 
Where shall I meet you 'bout an hour hence?  Per. 
Sir, where you please.  Clay. 
Let it be in yond place—  Per. 
The Piazza, Sir.  Clay. 
Oye there an hour hence.  
Neighbour Airy go to: you've won my heart,  
With leaving me your man.  Phill. 
Your servant, Sir.  Clay. 
Nay, nay, no Compliments; and so farewell.  Exeunt Day, Clunch, Tray. Phill. 
Brother, what think you on't?  Per. 
Nothing but good.  Phill. 
In my opinion, if I ben't mistaken,  
Here is a fortune flung into your arms:  
You can't avoid it man, it must be so;  
You are the man designed to have the Lady  
When all is done.  Per. 
I hope no less, e'faith,  
As I shall carry it on: for I intent,  
As you may well perceive by this beginning,  
That under the pretence of good instructions,  
I'll make this credulous shallowpated fool  
Appear to be such an impertinent Sot,  
As will oblige the widow without doubt  
To see her folly in't if she once moves.  
Then will I take fair opportunity  
By the foretop, and speak to her for myself.  
That, Girl, must be the way.  Phill. 
A good one too.  
Where's our brother Dick? would he were here:  
Have you not heard of him?  Per. 
By the last Post.  
This is the day he is to be in town.  
The fatal pass, which so infortunately  
He was compelled to make in's own defence  
Upon his enemy, is no more thought on:  
For underhand he has of late composed,  
And (though with great expense) is gotten clear.  Phill. 
I fear of's money as well as his troubles.  Per. 
It can't be helped.  Phill. 
He deserves better things.  Per. 
His Ingenuity will never let him want.  Phill. 
I hope 'twill not.  Enter Man. Man. 
Madam, Mr. Crosby  
Demands admittance to your Ladyship.  Phill. 
Why let him come; I shall soon dispatch him.  Per. 
Mean time I'll go about the Compliment  
Of such a nature—  Phill. 
Into my Closet there.  Exit Per. Enter Crosby. Crosby. 
Your humble Servant, Madam.  Phill. 
Your Servant, Sir.  Crosby. 
Madam, I come to ease my poor sick heart.  Phill. 
If you are serious, you'll be best alone.  
I have, Sir, other business now in hand.  Crosby. 
Let me beg you'll be pleased but to consider,  
You can have none that may with greater Justice  
Be taken to your thoughts, than such a passion  
As I have always manifested to you,  
By the saddest protests—  Phill. 
Those you call such  
I must suppose are of your making so,  
Perhaps it is your custom: I not the first  
To whom you've made those sad protests you call.  Crosby. 
Let me but only vent—  Phill. 
At leisure, Sir.  Exit Phrill Crosby. 
There's something more than ordinary in the wind.  
Should she have had intelligence of late  
Of my former Amours with Madam Phanny?  
But how should she come by't? I need not fear't.  
I must confess she ever did receive  
All my addresses with reluctancy;  
Would often twit me with her friends consent  
Which I had got: but now of later days  
Sh'as not so much as common complaisance.  
Well, I'm resolved once more to see this Miss,  
And pump out, if I can, the cause of this.  Exit.   


ACT. II. SCENE I. Sir Coggin's house.  Champagne and Lysse. Champ. 
Dear is the hose, me most knoke de dor:  (Enter Lysse. 
Begar is be un very pretty the ting.  
Me voul make de her un grand Compliment.  
Madamoiselle, je suis vostre esclave d'un grand coeur.  Lysse. 
Bless us! what have we here?  Champ. 
Vat have you de here? Jerny, you have de Geante,  
Jolly, polly, accomply, gallant Gentilhome, Monsieur  
De Brisefer; une person dat vill tesh de you de  
Play de Trumpet marine, de Flageolet, de  
Feedle, de Tambour, de Basque, de Sign, come ca  
Fa-la-la-la, de Compliments, the Dance, come ca ha—  
De Fence, come sa, a, ha!— A Jerny me voul feet,  
A kill all de Diables for the love de you.  Lysse. 
Sure this same thing has skipped out of its wits  
Into this Morris-dress before the season?  
Hear you, pray, is not your name Champagne,  
Sir Amorous Frost his servant?  Champ. 
Ha, a, a, Champagne?  
Me Modre bring de me in the Champagne, et—  Lysse. 
Upon her back?  Champ. 
No, begar, no open de her belee—  
Ay, so me come in de varl in Champagne.  Lysse. 
You were born there?  Champ. 
Very just, par ma foy, me born, me born der.  
But me name be Monsieur de Brisefer admirateur  
De vos perfections.  Lysse. 
Goodnow, no more conjuring.  Champ. 
For the love de you me voul broke de neck presentement  
Si'l vous playst.  Lysse. 
Good Sir, I thank you for your hanging love.  Champ. 
A ha! vostre tres humble Valet.  Lysse. 
Well, but Champagne?  Champ. 
Ay!—  Lysse. 
Or Monsieur Brisefer, what is your Errand?  Champ. 
Harrang, begar, Jerny, me have no the Harrang, look  
Der else;  (Shows his pockets, opens his breast and breeches. 
Me come to baise les mains de Madmoiselle  
Diana, pour de service de me Maistre.  Lysse. 
What stuff is this? you baise les mains, Sot?  
You kiss her—  Champ. 
Tout beau, tout beau, ma Genty de moiselle, ventre,  
Teste, Gozoon, if the Rogue de Englishman speak de  
Me de Harrang, me kill de him come ca, ha!  
Ho! come come Mademoiselle, sur mon honneur  
Me voul no kill de you, harrang,  
Jerny—  Makes a Pass at Lysse; she runs, shrieks, he holds her back. Enter Slye. 
You say me sell de Harrang?  (Looks on Slye askew. Slye. 
Errand, yes, Sir, I'm going of one,  
And should be glad you would inform me in't:  
Pray where lives one whose name's Sir Hopewell Coggin?  Champ. 
Coquin? par la sang, par la mort, par la teste, Gozoon,  
Harrang? Coquin? if no respect de Madmoiselle  
Me voul— hum? Jerny— behange—  (Bites his thumb. Lysse. 
This is excellent sport!  Slye. 
Jerny, yourself: sure this fellow is mad.  
What do you say to me, pretty one? ha?  
Can you inform me?  (Champ. interposes. Champ. 
Jerny, he live in the house.  Slye. 
Pray leave off your Jerny: it may be so.  Champ. 
Sot? Madamoiselle pray you hold de me fast,  
Autrement me kill de him presentement.  Slye. 
In what place is this house?  Champ. 
In London, Jerny.  Slye. 
Jerny in your teeth:  
I'm a mere stanger, and—  Champ. 
Et me be un person voul make de you mad.  Slye. 
where might I see him?  Champ. 
Ver you look o-top de him, Jerny?  Slye. 
Again? you're pleasant, Sir?  Champ. 
Begar me var mor plaisant if you go to de diule  
Si Josois, Jerny—  (Aside. Slye. 
Flesh and blood can't hold out;  
H'as gi'en me the Jerny a dozen times.  
Pray change me this?  (Strikes Champ. Champ. 
Peste?— is it de jest ou bien de tout de bon?  Slye. 
E'en as you please; what do you think on't, pray?  Champ. 
De jest, de jest, your humble serviteur.  Slye. 
Much good may do you, Sir: I'll go with you.  (To Lysse. Exeunt Lysse, Slye. (Champ. puffs and blows. Champ. 
La peste? come il touch?—  
Haraldus teste non? ou est I'honneur? Champagne, ou est I'honneur?  
Begar, me voul have de revange; first me vill kill  
De Rogue, and den me cudgel in sounlgle. Ha! Rogue,  
Tosh me the face? Premierement, call de mee de harrang,  
Teste non? en second lieu, call de mee de Coquin? Par  
La mort? Item, call de me Sot? ha! ventre blue?  
Conclusion, zap, give en grand box de Ear? ha! Jerny?  
Es Justment come ca? dat is de ting. Mon honneur?  
Verbee you? alon viste speak de me.  (In another Tone. 
Me say most have the respect for de Estranger—  
Autrement me kill de him, van, too, tree tim. O! forbon,  
Very good, you see no, me honneur ave de respect et  
De consideration for de Estranger?— but me honneur  
Be un ting, et me un odre; me say nothing, but  
Jerny—  Exit biting his fingers.  

SCENE II.  Sir Cog. 
leading Phill. Noble, Diana, Lysse, Siss.  Sir Cog. 
ON my word, Madam, there was no such thing.  Phill. 
But what then may it be?  (They whisper. Nob. 
Love, Madam, may,  
And with such fierceness drive on these designs  
As will compass his ends—  (To Sir Cog. Dian. 
Not always, Sir—  
Brother, say what you please, but let me think:  
Go out so suddenly, come home in dumps,  
Have not a word to say; nay scarce afford  
Common respect to your most worthy guests,  
Is somewhat strange.  Phill. 
He knows I am not his,  
But your poor tenant, Madam.  Sir Cog. 
I must confess,  
That an odd business coming unexpected,  
Has somewhat discomposed me for the present,  
For which I humbly beg your pardon, Madam.  Phill. 
You have it;  
But under favour, Sir, may we not know  
What sort of business 'twas you had in hand?  Dian. 
I hope it was no quarrel?  Sir Cog. 
Not at all.  Phill. 
Was it not some gay Lady's assignation?  
That Note that was delivered you last night,  
In my mind, spoke so much.  Sir Cog. 
To tell the truth,  
It was that very thing: I had intelligence  
Of an amour.  Enter Boy: whispers Diana, and Phill. Exeunt Ladies. Diana. 
What now, Sirrah?  Sir Cog. 
Moving already, Ladies?  Phill. 
To th'next room.  Sir Cog. 
Once more, Sir, you are welcome to this house,  
And wish you quick success in your addresses  
Unto my Sister, who already's informed  
Of your own worth; and do believe that she  
Will not be o're-severe in the reception  
Of your love beyond what's to be allowed  
To th' modesty of her Sex.  Nob. 
Your Generosity  
Is so surprising, that I'm to seek for words  
To return you those thanks that might proportion  
With your civilities.  Sir Cog. 
You're still beforehand: my Sister's Portion, Sir,  
Is yet entire, though I've had the misfortune  
To lose my share of what we had inherited  
From our Parents.  Nob. 
Had I any thoughts  
That in the least should reflect upon interest,  
'Twould render me unworthy the possessing  
So rich a Jewel as that Lady, Sir.  Sir Cog. 
You're too obliging, Sir,— who have we here?  Sir Amorous leading Phill. and Diana singing. Sir Am. 
Falla-la-la; Jerny Madmoisell vostre tres humble serviteur.  (To Phill. 
Niece! how is't, Girl? Monsieur je suis a vous.  (To Nob. 
Nephew! how dost thou like this Peruque? ha!  
This Trimming, Cravat, these Gloves, Sword and Belt?  
The whole Apparel? hum? falla-la-la.  (Struts singing. Aside. Sir Cog. 
What the devil's the matter?  
What your judicious Gravity approves,  
I am not to contest—  Dian. 
Sure he is mad?  (Aside. Sir Am. 
I've always told you, Nephew, that delays  Nob. courts Diana. 
Were ever of a dangerous consequence;  
And now you're like to know it by experience.  
You know how oft I've advised you to marry,  
That I might see some likelihood of Heirs  
To be successors to that fair Estate  
I have acquired, by my assidual pains.  
You have had time enough, yet nothing done:—  
'Tis those neglects of yours, have put me on  
This great necessity of marrying  
In these more riper years.  (Aside. Sir Cog. 
The wench guest well—  
I suppose, Sir, this is to try me with?  Sir Am. 
Mistake not; I'm in earnest, and in haste.  Phill. 
Why, Sir, the Gentleman is young enough;  
And his lost time may easily be repaired  
(I'm of opinion) if it pleases him.  
'Tis in his choice yet, to outstrip you there.  Sir Am. 
Where, prithee? where?  Phill. 
I mean in Marriage, Sir,  
My Knight takes me not yet; I dare no more—  (Aside. Sir Am. 
I thought you knew the person, I protest.  
I shall scarce marry these three or four days,  
And you may get a dozen wives by then;  (Scoffingly to Sir Cog. 
But he must make good haste, or come too short.  (Aside. Sir Cog. 
You say three or four days?  Sir Am. 
Yes, thereabouts.  Sir Cog. 
Well, Sir, will you but yield that if I marry—  Sir Am. 
The widow Lovewealth? I'll put a spoke there.  (Aside. Sir Cog. 
A Lady young and brisk, 'twixt this and when  
You have appointed for your marriage-day,  
You will—  Sir Am. 
I'll tell thee, nephew, what I'll do:  
He that is first married of us two,  
Shall bar the other from procuring Heirs  
To my Estate.  Sir Cog. 
A match, a match, e'faith.  Phill. 
And if Sir Cogging, Sir, does get the day,  
You'll declare him your Heir immediately?  Sir Cog. 
What say you, Sir, to that?  Sir Am. 
A match, a match;  
I'll not deny you sweet: you must run post?  (To Sir Cog. Nobl. 
'Tis very well.  Diana. 
We'll all be witness to't.  Sir Am. 
And to my wedding also morrow-morn.  
To which you're all invited.  Sir Cog. 
How? so soon, Sir?  
Y'allowed a longer time.  Phill. 
Three or four days?  Sir Am. 
Nay, Sir, 'tis so; now make what haste you can;  
Whip, whip, and spur, youhad need, or lie behind.  
I'll stick to th' Contract; so Gentles, adieu.  Exit Am. Sir Cog. 
What a mad Scene is this?  Diana. 
'Tis unexpected—  Noble. 
And sudden too, I think.  Sir Cog. 
These the first news;  
But now, what's to be done?  Phill. 
E'en 'cross his Match.  Diana. 
But how is't to be done?  Sir Cog. 
W''re left i'th' dark:  
Did we but know where he makes his address,  
There would be some hopes yet.  Lysse. 
Sir, as for that,  
I think I have a way which may succeed.  Sir Cog. 
Prithee what is't?  Lysse. 
You know, he has of late  
Entertained a French servant.  Phill. 
What of that?  Lysse. 
The fool, who pretends kindnesses to me,  
Is doubtless privy to his Master's love;  
And if so, Sir, I make no question then,  
But to get knowledge of this secrecy.  Nob. 
No better way.  Sir Cog. 
Lysse, if thou dost this,  
Thou wilt deserve our further care of thee.  Lysse. 
Let me alone to worm out this French fellow;  
Sir, fear it not.  Exit Lysse. Phill. 
Come, cheer up, Sir.  Sir Cog. 
Madam, you may do so,  
Who have assurances of your amours  
By a Contract—  Phill. 
A Contract say you, Sir?  
(Curse be the cause of this suspicion in him.)  (Aside. 
'Tis with my Parents then, never with me.  
And likely enough that bargain's yet to make  
Between the Gentleman you mean, and me.  Diana. 
Brother, let me advise you straight to go  
To th' Lady Lovewealth; learn if 'twere the hopes  
Of your Uncle's Estate made her accept  
The tender of your services, or whether it be  
A real affection does cause her to have  
An esteem for your person. If the last,  
Inform her how you're driven—  Phill. 
Not amiss.  
So now it works as I would have it, just.  (Aside. Sir Cog. 
Sir, if you please to honour me so far  
As to lend me your company t'her house—  Noble. 
It must be then with these two Ladies leave.  Sir Cog. 
I'll but call by the way at the Rose-tavern.  (Exeunt Lady. Noble. 
In the mean time, according to my promise,  
I'll speak two words at the School in next street.  Sir Cog. 
Very well, Sir, we'll meet at the Piazza  
An hour hence.  Noble. 
Till then, your servant, Sir.  Exeunt.  

SCENE III. The School-house.  Kitty Noble, at a window; Shift in the street, in a fine Garb. Shift. 
NOw I'm a Prince again, in show at least.  
Hem! hem!  Kitty. 
Hist, hist.  Shift. 
'Tis I; is the coast clear?  Kitty. 
I'll look about— I see none we may fear.  
Why did you stay so long?  Shift. 
How does my Love?  Kitty. 
As well as hopes can make me,  
And yet my thinks this day is cruel long.  Shift. 
It draws towards its end.  Kitty. 
Does the time hold?  Shift. 
'Twixt two and three: be sure the ●●ght be out;  
Our work requires none.  Kitty. 
How shall we do  
To get off in the dark? the Moon by twelve  
Will yield us no more light.  Shift. 
So I would have't.  Kitty. 
It will be very dark: how shall I know  
When you are come, or whether it be you?  Shift. 
Here, here; secure these half a dozen Keys:  
When I am got up to the Ladder-top,  
I'll in the Room, and seek you in the dark,  
Where when you find you're taken by the hand,  
Conclude 'tis I By the help of these Keys  
I'll open every door to th' Garden-side,  
And that way we'll get off. Speak not a word,  
Nor whisper then.  Kitty. 
And where must we go then?  
Not far, I hope.  Shift. 
Only to the Church-porch,  
Where a Parson shall wait to tie the Knot,  
And then—  Kitty. 
Away, away, the Beldame comes.  Shift. 
Farewell till night.  (Kitty shuts the window. Exit Shift. Kitty. 
Farewell.   

SCENE. IV.  Noble, Crostitch. Crossed. 
FOr these same reasons, Sir, a stricter Eye  
I've kept upon her actions than before;  
And till some two months since, or thereabouts,  
I could not find she had any commerce  
Beyond these walls; which made me grant to her  
A little more liberty than before.  
But it could not last long: for one bright night,  
About the hour of two, I heard a noise  
On the backside; I stole gently down stairs,  
And there, you'll scarce believe't—  Nob. 
Yes, I'll believe that she has not her like.  Crossed. 
I found the Gentlewoman  
Letting down of a bucket full of stones  
Into a Well.  Nob. 
How's that, pray? full of stones?  Crossed. 
Yes, Sir.  Nob. 
For what?  Crossed. 
I stood still close behind,  
And she was so attentive at her work,  
That she perceived me not: now mark, I pray!  
Anon at th'other end of the Well-rope,  
Up comes, what do you think, Sir? pray you guests.  Nob. 
The Devil sure.  Crossed. 
No, Sir, but one of's friends,  
Dressed in a humane shape; a fine young man,  
Who, as I thought, none but the Devil himself  
Could have brought there. The Gallant spying me  
Standing behind, twitches the rope she held,  
And gently poises himself down again.  
At this she turns, and so espies me out.  
You must needs think she was much discomposed  
At the sight of me?  Nob. 
I know not what to think.  Crossed. 
wonderfully! she in a laughing tone  
Cries out, E'faith, you came i'th' nick of time,  
Or else by this, I'd gi'en you the go-by.  
With that, in a great laughter up she runs,  
Where having locked herself, she began to sing,  
Oh! Love is a delicate thing. I'th' morning  
I visited the Well, and in it found  
Towards the middle, a window that did answer  
Into a neighbouring Vault. I had a pump  
Set in the place, to prevent for the future  
Such like attempts. Seeing no remedy  
But close confinement of her in a Room  
Under good locks and keys, I've mewed her up,  
Where she does still remain.  Nob. 
Cannot be helped.  
I pray let her not know of my return  
Till I see you again. Till then, farewell.  
I see 'tis easier the Ocean to span,  
Than keep by force a young maid from a man.  Exeunt severally.   


ACT III. SCENE I.  Crosby, as he is going in, meets Siss. Crosby. 
NOw for to know my doom. Your Lady, Siss?  Siss. 
She's gone to take the Air.  (Stops the Passage. Crosby. 
Come, let me in.  
I shall grow angry else.  Enter Phill. Siss. 
Here comes some Rescue?  Crosby. 
Your obedient Servant, your Woman, Madam,  
Denied you to me.  Phill. 
She did nothing, Sir,  
But what she had in charge.  Crosby. 
Madam, 'tis like  
(My fate's the harder) that I am arrived  
Upon some newer interest.  Phill. 
Your own  
Was not so considerable, Sir, before,  
Nor had it so much name you need to fear  
That any should succeed it.  Crosby. 
If there be any one dares own a favour  
That's to my prejudice, let him look, Madam,  
You hide him in your bosom, if he would not  
Have this sword through him.  Phill. 
Sir, you must prescribe  
No Laws to me: that person I shall choose  
To throw my favours on, shall know to answer  
Whatever heats you bring.  Crosby. 
Why be it so.  Exit Crosby. Phill. 
This care is over.  Siss. 
A fair riddance, doubtless.  Phill. 
This is not all, I have another plot,  
To bring about my ends 'twixt Madam Phanny,  
And this unworthy man, that I must do,  
Or I've done nothing yet.  Siss. 
Seriously, Madam,  
I pity that poor Lady at my heart,  
She is so melancholy—  Phill. 
Where is she now?  Siss. 
At her old trade of weeping.  Phill. 
I'll cheer her up  
e'er long; if things do hit.  Siss. 
Pray Heavens they may.  Phill. 
Let's in, and there consult with her about it,  
Lest we be troubled with this impertinent.   

SCENE II.  Champagne solus. Champ. 
CHampagne? dis de honneur es un Jewel  
De grand estimation: it is de so precious de ting  
Dat mos no be loss; no, mos no be loss:  
Den mon revenge: Oh! very good, very sweet,  
Par ma foy de honey is no so sweet  
As de revange to de French Vallet.  
Derefor, par consequent you de Estranger  
Dat give de me de pas ope de face,  
You moss prepare for the dy, no remedee,  
But Monsieur Champagne, me manned pardon,  (In an other tone. 
Me ask quarter, de grace me no give:  (Change tone again. 
Comment give box de Ear to me person?  Enter Slye, harkening. 
Ah! Jerny, ventre teste, come nee I done,  
Dat me cope de teste, et present de it  
To me Mistress Madamoiselle Lysse.  
Alon; me no long stay: point de quartier.  Slye. 
How now? who's that you'll kill?  (Pulls Champ by the arm. Champ. 
Ha! Monsieur mon amy, begar me be  (In a fawnoing Tone. 
Your very de humble Serviteur— me very glad  
De see de you ver well, me voul present de you  
Vit de pint de vin.  Slye. 
But my thinks you were grumbling  
In an other dialect?  Champ. 
Es nothing, par ma foy:  
Me only repete de verse de la Comedy.  Slye. 
Perhaps you're angry?  Champ. 
No, no, sur mon honneur.  
Me know you de jest, me no angry, Mafoy:  
You strike de me again if you the plaise,  
Me never think the arm vit de s.  Slye. 
Then fare you well, I've nothing more to say.  Exit Slye. Champ. 
Humble Valet; Jerny, mort teste non:  
Me no do well, me shoull have kill de him:  
A ventre blue, me voul call de him back.  Runs towards the door, then comes back. 
This fool pittee always take the me  
A contre temps: begar for de futur  Still looking towards the door. 
Me voul be cruel, batre, kill, cojel,  
Massecre all to me revange. Jerny,  
Me voul presentment go send de him  
Un shalange, but first me vill visit  
Me Mistress Madmoiselle Lysse, Jerny,  
To give de me de la valleur— Ah! pox de him.  Enter Slye again. Slye. 
I had forgot that while you're here, you should  
Present my humble service to that Lass  
I met with you i'th' morning, and let her know  
I'll visit here e'er long: do not you fail.  (Bites his fingers. Champ. 
Jerny?  Slye. 
What's that you say?  Champ. 
Ouy, ovy, dat is de say, iss, iss, presentment,  
Oll, oll, a little, me do you de service.  (Ties Slye's shoestring. 
Dear no is well.  Exit Slye: Champ. looks after him a good while, then draws. Slye. 
Oh! thank you, Sir.  Enter Lysse. Champ. 
Hum, 'em, 'em, Jerny; 'tis well you go,  
You make the 'scape, but me cash you again  
Un odre tim— me voul extermin de you.  
Oh! Madmoisell, for de grand love de you,  
Me almost kill van, to, tree Rogue, just no.  Lysse. 
For love of me?  Champ. 
Is par la mort. Jerny.  
Me love de you tresfurieusement.  Lysse. 
ay, but how shall I know if this be true?  Champ. 
Sur mon honneur; me engage me honneur.  Lysse. 
Were I but sure—  Champ. 
O! me voul tell de you?  
Command no, de me de un ting,  
Et me voul do de ting: you ondrestand?  Lysse. 
That you'll do any thing I shall command?  
Well, I'll try you for once.  Champ. 
Come donc, alon.  Lysse. 
With whom is't that your Master is to marry?  Champ. 
Dat be begar de very grand secret;  
Me master vill no have de know, Jerny.  Lysse. 
I thought as much: I see your love in this:  
You love? you hang.  (Offers to be gone. Champ. 
Madmoiselle Lysse, pray come to me, me voul tell de you  
De all; but you most be de very secret den?  
Autrement— hum, 'em, 'em—  Lysse. 
Fear it not, man:  
I'll be in this as secret as thyself.  Champ. 
De Mrs. de me Mr. is un little Gentilhoman  Speak aloud to her Ear. 
In de School, vish me Mr. take de away in de neet.  Lysse. 
Who? Sir Amorous?  Champ. 
No, no, Jerny, un odre:  
Me tell de you de all; me have too Mr;  
Premierement, de un dat is un Rogue;  
Secondement, that Rogue pote de me  
To de odre dat is un fool—  Lysse. 
Sir Amorous you mean?  Champ. 
Just so, Jerny: no, me Mr. de Rogue,  
Voul all de sheet, d'odre Mr. de fool,  
Et take de vensh for him: begar, just so.  Lysse. 
Is it this night?  Champ. 
Is, is, but moss silance.  Noise here. Lysse. 
Here's cheat on cheat: hark, hark! somebody comes.  Champ. 
Me voul come de see you after un hour.  Lysse. 
Do so, be sure you come: you'll find me here.  Exit Lys. Champ. 
Adieu, begar, de nexe tim me see de you  
Me vill see if you be the good flesh; Jerny me  
Can no stay de long for un homan.  Exit Champ.  

SCENE III. Lovewealth's house.  Two Chairs. Lady Lovewealth, Prew. Lady. 
PRew? go to my Closet, and fetch me the Letter  
I now received from Sir Amorous Frost.  Exit Prew. 
It is both short and sweet. While I took care  
How to dismiss Sir Coggin of his suit,  
There is provision made; I need no more,  
When he's come in, but to show him this Note:  
Sure that will do't. How now?  Enter Boy. Boy. 
Sir Coggin, Madam,  
Is new set down at door, desires admittance  
To your Ladyship.  Lady. 
Why, bring him in— that's well:  (To Prew. 
I am prepared.  Sir Cog. Noble. Sir Cog. 
Madam, I have made bold—  Lady. 
You have so, Sir.  Sir Cog. 
Yet I hope the offence  
Is not so great but that I may find pardon?  Lady. 
'Tis of that nature, Sir, as must not hope  
To find excuse, much less a pardon for it.  Nob. 
Madam, I hope, 'tis not on my account  
My friend is thus neglected by your Ladyship?  Lady. 
No such thing, Sir; if you're rich you are welcome:  (To Nob. 
But for that Gentleman, (your friend you call)  
That knows himself to be wretchedly poor,  
Beyond all hopes, and yet pretend to me,  
Is such a thing as I must not forgive.  Sir Cog. 
'Tis likely, Madam, that some Rival here  
Is hapyer than I?  Lady. 
He is so, if more Rich:  
That is the only thing, Sir, that sways me.  Sir Cog. 
Madam, in the opinion of the general,  
There are other things to be considered  
In the choice of a Husband.  Lady. 
The Vulgar, say you?  
That commonly runs false; and I'll be singular,  
Sir, thus in short: were you in full possession  
Of as fair an Estate as is your Rival,  
Your person, Sir, might pass muster with me;  
I like that well enough.  Nob. 
Come, come away;  
For shame, Sir, do not spend one single thought  
Upon so interest a thing as this,  
Who is a scandal to her gentler Sex.  Lady. 
Indeed! are you of that Religion too?  (To Nob. 
Here, Sir, read this, and then tell me your mind?  (To Sir Cog. Sir. Cog. reads. 
Madam,  
I hope you will attribute these few lines of advice to my diligent care of your Welfare, since they tend to no other end, than the giving you notice that I am in mind to have Heirs of my own getting, and leave my Nephew to his Ingenuity. I make no question but you know my meaning: So conclude,  
Madam, yours, Amorous Frost  Nob. 
Your Uncle has been too quick for you here.  Sir Cog. 
Madam, since it is so, yet give me leave  
To congratulate my Rival ere I go.  Lady. 
Sir, To speak the truth, I had intelligence  
He would be here this day; but yet, not come.  
I'th' evening, Sir, if you please to be here,  
You'll witness our Contract.  Nob. 
And Marriage too?  Lady. 
If he has a mind to't.  Sir Cog. 
Madam, I'll come.  Lady. 
Your Friend too, Sir.  Nob. 
Your thrifty Servant, Madam.  Exeunt men. Lady. 
So much for that: now shall I think it long  
Till my new Lover comes. I wonder what  
His Compliment will be?  Prew. 
By relation, Madam,  
He cannot say, as a body should say,  
As one should say, boo! to a Goose.  Lady. 
Go to:  
How goes the day?  Prew. 
Madam, on its decline.  Lady. 
And not come yet?  Enter Boy. Boy. 
A strange Gentleman, in as strange a dress,  
Madam, demands access unto your Ladyship,  
Both for himself, his mouth, his man, and dog.  Lady. 
What's this thou sayst?  
Admit him here.  
Sure this is he, by the Message he sent.  
I dread his coming in, who just before  
Wished he were here: I must receive him now.  
It is too late to think.  Enter Day, Per. Clunch, Tray. Clay takes his Compliment from Per. pins it to his Hat, comes up to the Lady, makes a Leg, then falls back again, hems, spits, and Coughs; blows his Nose on the ground, then wipes it on his sleeve. Clay. 
Come here, poor Rogue.  (To Tray. Per. 
Now mind your business, Sir.  Clay Reads. Clay. 
Madam, super Excellent, and the sole supreme Mistress of my sober Passions, (hem, pat the Dog) paron— hum— pardon, that my peregrine self entreats the Mixifick effects of the sweet Influentials of your, of your,— your— Loxogonos— phe— ri-cal Intuition. You sublime Lady alone, are able to nurse up this— (hem again.) (a pox of these hard words) ex— exta— extatickal embryo of your more than thrice supedaneous Admirer. (hem again. Give me leave super Mundaine Lady, to supplicate at the (now-now again) sub-t-e-r-ter-sel of your feet; and pardon him who subscribes himself your slave, as far beneath your pity, as a Myrmidonial Insect to highest of Stairs; no, Stars I mean.  (Vnpins the Paper, gives it to Per. Clay. 
So much for the Compliment Clunch, want it well done? efecks, 't has made me sweat. This thing called wooing, is a most pest'lant thing. Lady, if you'd have more, I've brought my mouth with me, d'you see, to speak for me.  (Per. bows. Lady. 
Sir, in few words, you're welcome to my house.  Clay. 
It is not quite so big as our new Barn:  (Walks whistling. 
What thinks thou, Clunch?  Clunch. 
Yea, thereabouts.  Lady. 
There's nothing can be more ridiculous:  
'Tis the mere abstract of impertinency;  
Worse cannot be.  Per. 
I am glad to hear that.  (Aside. Lady. 
What have I done?  Clay. 
How do you like my Dog?  (Holds up his Dog to the Lady. 
Do you see, Madam, ened it a fine thing?  Lady. 
Oh! very fine indeed, and nothing finer.  Clay. 
Come hither, Tray? what do you think's his name?  Lady. 
Why Tray I think.  Clay. 
Efecks you're in the right;  Clay sets him down, sets Tray in another chair, leaves the Lady standing. 
That you should guests, d'you see, so well at first!  
Did she not, Clunch?  Clunch. 
Yea, yea, what was't you said?  Clay. 
Effecks, I'm glad to see you well: sit down.  
Ho! fetch a stool for my Lady to sit.  Clay plays with the Dog, whistles so loud, be drowns all that they say. 
Mouth, do you talk to my Lady a little,  
While I play with my Dog.  Per. 
I am commanded  
Madam—  Lady. 
Heavens deliver me from this Impertinent!  Per. and the Lady as in discourse, while Clay is stalking up and down whistling, etc. Clay. 
Oye, oye, let him alone for Compliments.  
I stoo-her, mouth: he'll give you your belly full  
Of Compliments, and Courtship, and what not?  
I'll play him 'gainst any in Town or Country  
At either of those Weapons for a great.  
Oye, stick closely to her man, oye, oye, look on.  (Lady looks on him. 
I know 'tis all for me he speaks to you:  
For why? he is my mouth, are you not, mouth?  
How do you like him, Lady?  (Rushes upon them. Lady. 
Very well.  Clay. 
'Tis all the better for me still, I cry.  (Seats himself first. 
I pray sit down. This London, Lady mine,  
Is a chargeable place. Nay, look on me;  Lady minds not Clay, looks on Per. 
He is only to speak, not to look on.  
What do you think 't has cost me, do you see,  
Since I'm in Town, on me, on Clunch, and Tray?  Lady. 
What is't you said?  Clay pulls her, to make her hear. Clay. 
Well, Lady, for this bout  
I will not pose you in't; but in a lump  (She minds Per. 
'T has cost me just seven Nobles, d'you see.  Lady. 
What person, Sir, is this you have brought with you?  Clay. 
It is my Mouth; I told you so before,  Lady. 
A Gentleman?  Clay. 
Gentleman, d'you see, that will speak you—  Lady. 
And are you sure he is a Gentleman?  Clay. 
Our Neighbour Airy told me so, I'm sure;  (Angrily. 
And this I know, she would not lie for th'matter.  
I tell you once more, he's a Gentleman  
Every inch on him: do but try him else;  
He'll give you, do you see, your belly full.  Per. 
This works for me beyond imagination.  (Aside. Clay. 
Nay, but pray hear me out: I brought him here,  
That in case you loved Compliments, d'you see,  
A should sit your turn, Lady, t'a Cow's thumb,  
As one should say: for, for my part,  
I naturally hate these Compliments.  
Look on him, Lady, pray.  Lady. 
A good presence.  (Aside. Clay. 
Effecks I'm woundy dry: Clunch fetch two Pots  
To make my Lady drink.  (Gives Clunch Money. Lady. 
Sir, use my Cellar:  
It is the fittest place for such a beast.  (Aside. Clay. 
Efecks a match, a match; come hither Tray.  
Nay, well all go: I'll lead in Tray, d'you see?  
And you, Clunch hand my Lady: As for Mouth,  
He is only to talk.  Lady. 
Hands off.  Clunch offers to take the Lady by the hand, she flies off. Exeunt Day and Clunch. Clunch. 
Choose chub.  Lady. 
Now I begin t'abhor that foolishness  
Which possessed me so late. I am justly punished  
For my covetousness; plainly foresee  
I shall become a laughingstock to all.  Per. 
Madam, if that—  Lady. 
Pray, Sir, answer me first:  
Are you a Gentleman?  Per. 
I am so, Lady.  
But Madam, give me leave to let you know  
My miseries, the crossness of my Stars,  
Those fatal Influences did preside  
At th'hour of my Birth—  Lady. 
What, Sir, can make you  
So unhappy a man, as you endeavour  
To represent yourself?  Per. 
Madam, 'tis this:  
That being extracted of a Gentile stock  
Honourably derived, have been imbued  
With a proportioned breeding to my Birth,  
I should want that great Idol of the world,  
A futable Estate to all those things  
I have but newly mentioned.  Lady. 
A comely man;  
Me thinks I am concerned at his relation:  
Pray, Sir, how long have you known Mr. Day?  Per. 
Only since morning, Madam, have I seen  
This man possessed with that great lump of treasure  
Which renders him ridiculous to the world;  
While the hundred part of that vast Estate  
Might entitle some worthy gentleman  
To your consideration.  Lady. 
Would I were certain  
This person were of a Gentile extraction.  (Aside. 
When're I cast my Eye upon his preson,  
Me thinks I do him wrong to question it.  
I feel somewhat within me takes his part,  
That will not let me rest, but whispers still  
Unto my heart, This man's to be preferred  
With his bare virtue, before that other thing  
With all its wealth. Come, Sir, we'll in an see  
What is become of Mr. Timothy Day  
And his followers.  Per. 
Madam, I'll wait upon you.  (Per. takes the Lady by the hand, Exeunt.)  

SCENE IV. Covent-garden.  Sir Am. Champ. Sir Am. 
CHampagne, this is the night which is designed  
For my Amorous Theft: you must assist  
With secrecy, be sure?  Champ. 
Secret, Jerny, no fear for dat:  
Me be all de secret, me have de secret  
To kill the Rats, the Fleece, the Mooss, the Tick;  
De secret to make the Money, to make the Charm,  
To cash de pretty Vensh; de secret de make de loose  
De grate Belee, de botte secret, de Jerny—  
De secret— to run avay vit your monee and close.  (Aside. Sir Am. 
How's that?  Champ. 
Noting, noting, me only repette all de me secret.  Sir Am. 
Against the time, provide yourself for action  
With useful arms, such as you handle best.  
'Tis like we may employ them— do you see,  
'Tis a dangerous attempt?  Champ. 
Oh! let me come.  
Begar, if dare be de bougre, the Rogue dat vill  Punches him till he staggers. 
Make de resistance, me voul come ca give  
De him un grand posh— den vit come ca kill de him.  
Presentement, ha—  Makes a Pass. Sir Am. 
Hold, sure thouart mad?  Champ. 
Is begar, ven you speak de feet, me be mad, the Kill de all.  Sir Am. 
Besides, you must provide you a disguise.  Champ. 
Disquise: ho! very good, no fere for dat,  
Me voul disquise as mosh redicul as de you.  Sir Am. 
Come, let's hear how?  Champ. 
Me voul go in de estable, take the little horse,  
Me voul kill de him, den me voul take de his  
Skinn et pote upon de me, den me voul keek, and  
Beet et Cree whin hin: humrfl. is no excellant?  
Disquise?  Sir Am. 
Yes, but I lose my horse by th' bargain, man.  Champ. 
Den me do autrement, me take de his skinn,  
And no kill de him; den ven me don vitt de  
Skin, me put de it open de horse again:  
Is no dat good, no?  Sir Am. 
Still I should lose my horse.  Champ. 
Pox de horse: you get de Madmoisell? is no better.  Sir Am. 
We'll think on't, man: This night's to prove  
To me a night of Pleasures, and of Love.  Exeunt.   


ACT IV. SCENE I.  Young Airy solus, in Riding habit. 
DIck Airy, thouart in London once again;  
And now, what's to be done? I know not faith:  
I'll examine my Pockets, see what's left  
Of Lands, Chattels, and Goods, Money and all;  
All I have in the world is in this place.  
Let's see, what have we here? just seven Guinies;  
I'll to the Ordinary, there I'll try  
Whether these seven pieces I have left  
Are good breeders or not; if not, why then  
I shall but lose what would do me no good  
To keep, except 'twere more: however, than  
I shall be throughly cleared of that small stock  
Which never did me good since the first hour  
My Father left it me. How he came by't  
I know not; let that pass: then will I try  
What I can do of my own self to live:  
What know I but Fortune would prove more kind  
Were this gone also?  
Unwilling peradventure I should owe  
My happiness to any thing but she.  
I'll try her once; Fortune, an't be thy will  
To have me lose this Gold, yet help me then,  
Merely out of stark kindness and pure love.  Exit.  

SCENE II.  Champagne solus, Armed cap-espe. Champ. 
QUe dis honneur es un foolish de ting!  
Et que un box de Ear cause mosh trouble!  
Ho mosh un vaillant man, most have de business?  
For un box de Ear me most now kill the him  
Dat give it de me; it is que de forced time  
He strike de me, for all dat he most dee.  
But me is the opinion dat is very de simple  
To go de feet vit simplement de 'sheart,  
Because der be veree great many places  
To kill the man, and so the send de him  
To the Antipodes. Der is de Hart,  
De Livre, de Kiddeneis, de Longs, the Gets,  
De Artere, de Veins, the Nerfs, et d'Estomach;  
Derfor, as un prudant et vaillant home,  
Me have prepared the arms cap espee.  
Me have the very good parade, contre de Tierce,  
De Cart, de Coup four; et contre de Backsword:  
As par example, me see me enemy  
Just before de me, me draw, ha! dear for you.  
Begar me stick de him just in de pansse:  
Jerny, me parr well? a ha! do you go back?  (Leaps back. 
Alon, ventre Jerny, der to you head:  
Ha! if me no go back, me have de haul  (Leaps back. 
Justement in de hart, you pay for dat!  
Ha! very good, par ma foy: me kill de Eye!  
Bon, Jerny, me kill de odre: O! blind man?  
You most, Jerny, have de dog et de bell.  
helas! Monsieur Champagne, me ask pardon:  (In another tone. Changes tone again. 
No Jerny, no most d'ee: He! pardon— no pardon.  Enter Lysse. 
Begar Mademoiselle you come de very good tim.  
Autrement me have kill de Rogue.  (Looks about. Lysse. 
What? who? where? why?  Champ. 
Par ma foy is just go.  Lysse. 
I am glad on't.  Champ. 
Me voul go fesh de him,  
And kill de him for your service.  Lysse. 
No, good Champagne—  Champ. 
Maistre Champagne, Jerny.  Lysse. 
Then good Mr. Champagne,  
Let him live for my sake.  Champ. 
Well, live den, car Madmoiselle  Looks out, as speaking to some body— 
Vill have de it so.  Lysse. 
Well, have you got the name?  Champ. 
Begar, me know de all me voul tell de you,  
But you love de me very well den,  
And let me do the little ting—  Lysse. 
How's that?  Champ. 
Nothing, nothing begar, me only say  
You have the me for your Osban, is no?  Lysse. 
I promise here, Champagne, to Marry you.  Champ. 
Ay! Monsieur Champagne?  Lysse. 
Monsieur Champagne, I mean.  
At the same hour your Rogue-Master shall wed  
That Mistress he's about.  Champ. 
Toshe de hand:  (Takes her aside, and whispers. 
Me tell de you in secret—  Table out. Enter Sir Cog. Phill. Nob. Dian. Siss. Phill. 
I suppose, Sir, that you are now returned  
From th'assignation?  
What did the Lady say?  Sir Cog. 
Madam, I will inform you punctually  
Of all that past between us. The Lady come  
At the appointed place, caused the Chair  
She was in to be stopped, and thus began.  
There is a Lady not far from this place,  
Of Beauty, Youth, Birth, and Estate to boot,  
Not inferior to the rich Lady Lovewealth,  
Has such Esteem, Affection, if not Passion,  
Or rather Love for your personal worth,  
As cannot be expressed in lesser terms  
Than making you her Husband.  
Sir, you must know,  
This night she does intend in a disguise,  
To Mascarade it at the Lady Lovewealth—  
Where I'll be sure to accompany her.  
Madam, here's all  
That has past 'twixt the Lady and myself.  Exit Champ. To them Lysse. Phill. 
I find I am not in the least suspected.  (Aside. Sir Cog. 
Well Lysse, what news now?  Lysse. 
None, Sir, but good.  
These were his words, as well as he could speak,  
Or I them understand. Me Mastre's Mistress is a  
Young Lady whose name is Mrs. Kitty Noble.  Nob. 
How, Kitty Noble, sayst thou?  Lysse. 
Just so, Sir.  
This night, at three, my Master the Rogue and I steel her away, and cheat me Master the fool of his fine Miss by a Ladder of Ropes, out of a window next to the Garden-wall at the Boarding-school in our own street. He added, that this Master was to be disquised like a Woman, and he he knew not yet. This did he jabber in his Gibberish tone.  Nob. 
Come, come, fear nothing, Sir, all will do well;  
This works as I could wish: your assignation  
At the Lady Lovewealth once at an end,  
If you do not succeed, we'll watch th' old Knight,  
And seize upon that most villainous Rogue  
That sets him on merely for his own ends,  
As we may clearly see beyond dispute  
By Lysse's late intelligence: we know the hour—  
And there's no fear but to compass our ends.  (To Nob. Sir Cog. 
Madam, if that—  (To Phill. Phill. 
Sir, I hope you'll excuse  (She interrupts Sir Cog. 
My absence this night from the Lady Love wealths?  Sir Cog. 
And do you leave me, Madam?  Dian. 
She is not well.  Phill. 
I shall wish you good sport, and good success.  Sir Cog. 
Come Sister, you'll along?  Phill. 
Yes, she shall go,  
And Lysse too.  Nob. 
Come, come, let's lose no time.  
Madam, your humble Servant.  (To Phill. Sir Cog. 
Servant, Lady.  Exeunt all but Phill. and Siss. Phill. 
Hast thou got all things ready?  Siss. 
Madam, I have.  Phill. 
Cupid prosper and crown this last night's work!  Siss, 
watch their goings forth, and in what dress  
Sir Coggin is accoutred; and when theyare gone,  
Advertise me, that we may after them  
With diligence. Surely it is impossible  
I should be known in a Torch-bearer's habit,  
With such a Mask as will hide all my face?  
Thou being the Lady too?  Siss. 
I must confess,  
That this change put upon them, will help much  
To your concealment.  Phill. 
It will: be gone; make haste.  Exit Siss. 
Who's this that knocks? I would not be seen now:  (A knocking. 
I'll hide the light, and then let them in.  (Puts the light out of doors. 
Who's there?  Enter Brave. Brave. 
A Friend.  Phill. 
'Tis more than I know yet.  Brave. 
I can't help that. Sir Coggin? is it you?  Phill. 
The very same.  Brave. 
I'm glad I've met you, Sir, though in the dark:  
I have but some few words—  Phill. 
Your business, pray?  Brave. 
My business is but short: Mr. Crosby,  
From whom I came, has desired me to say  
You had not, Sir, that Title in Phill. Airy,  
Or any of that worthy ladies' Virtues,  
As he himself has, and does hold by right;  
And on the same account, desires to see you  
In the Piazza with your sword in hand,  
At six this morning.  Phill. 
I'll wait upon him, Sir.  Brave. 
It will be requisite you take a friend;  
Your Rival honours me.  Phill. 
That shall be done.  Brave. 
I am your Servant, Sir.  Phill. 
Sir, I am yours.  Exit Brave. 
Now am I challenged: O! here comes my Second.  Enter Siss. Siss. 
I come to tell you that the coast is clear.  Phill. 
Come, let us to the Coach, and as we go  
I'll tell thee the best Jest that ever was.  Exeunt.  

SCENE III. Lovewealth's house.  Two Chairs out. 
Lady Lovewealth, Per. Clay, Clunch, Tray, Prew.  Clay. 
A Vadds, now, do you see, my head does ache  
Like any wildfire? hark you, my Lady?  
Now, do you keep of all these sorts of liquours  
In your own Cellar, all the year about?  Lady. 
Yes, yes, why not?  Clay. 
Why then you're woundy rich.  
What's your name, Prew?  Prew. 
My name is Prudence, Sir.  Clay. 
I prithee look my head.  Sets himself on a Chair, his legs over the Lady's lap, and his dog in his. Lady rises in anger, discourses with Per. Lady. 
No flesh and blood  
Can bear this insolence.  Clay. 
'Tis very cold;  
Faith we'll to Blind-man's-bluff: 'twill heat us all.  
Clunch shall be hid.  Clunch. 
Not I; I know your tricks.  Clay. 
I am waggish sometime, Lady, d'you see,  
And he is wary of me: come, I'll hide.  Clunch. 
I'll blind you then.  Clay. 
No, my Lady shall do't.  Clunch. 
No, no, d'you mark me, I'll have no such cheating.  Clay. 
So, obrave Clunch, that calls my Lady cheat!  
thouart so mistrustful— come along simpleton:  
Hold, hold, Clunch, not so hard.  (Clunch blinds him. Clunch. 
Is it well now?  Clay. 
Oye, oye, d'you see, I'll have no goings out.  Clunch. 
No, no, come on.  They rush upon the Lady. Lady. 
Heavens! what will this be?  Per. 
A cure I hope to your brains and my fortune.  (Aside. Clay. 
Have at you Clunch; you do not clap your hands.  
I warrant you this was Clunch. I taught him that.  
I'll fit him for't.  Clunch lays himself down, Clay falls over him. Enter Masker's. Clunch. 
God's wowks, what have we here?  (Runs away. Clay. 
I'll tell you what, if I do catch you, Clunch.  
Oh! have I caught you now, Clunch? Devil, Oh!  Catches the Wheel barrow, runs away crying. Per. 
What's this insolency for?  Lady. 
But Mascarades.  
How his anger becomes him? all he doth  
Has so much grace—  Clay. 
I would I were a whom.  Lady. 
I would to Heaven thou hadst never been here.  Clay. 
Had I know, Lady, that your house was haunted,  
I'd ne'er a come so far to marry you.  
What do I know, d'you see, but when we two  
Were in one bed minding of somewhat else,  
We should have these Hobgobbling come to us,  
And so mar all our sport? Pray now how long  (To the Lady; she turns off. 
Has your house been haunted? what say you Mouth?  
Won't they hurt Tray? nor Clunch? nor you? nor me?  Per. 
Observe, they dance.  After the Dance exeunt all the Maskers, but the Wheel-bar. Clay. 
theyare merry Devils faith.  Dance here. Clunch. 
Hy-day; more Devils yet?  Enter Sir Amorous and Champagne in a Spanish Garb. Dance here. Champ. dances a Saraband, or Antique. Clay. 
Who! Hell's broke loose.  Siss. 
Sir, if you dare put confidence in me,  (To Sir Cog. 
Here I protest that in every respect  
She is to Madam Phill. Airy equal,  
If not to be preferred.  Sir Cog. 
Well, Madam, since  
I must not hope to see the Lady's face  
Before I've given my hand, and must confess  
You have been just in all you've hitherto  
Declared to me; my life and fortunes both,  
I put into your hands, to dispose of  
As you shall best think fit.  Siss. 
Then give me leave  
To speak you at this time a happy man:  
Some minutes, Sir, will make you say the same.  Sir Cog. 
Madam, I am all faith.  Siss. 
Give me your hand,  
To dispose with your heart, as I think fit.  She gives it to Phill. he starts at the habit. Sir Cog. 
What, wedded to a boy? Madam, what's this?  (To Siss. 
Sure I am not so tame as you imagine,  
To have this put upon me thus?  Siss. 
Now, Madam,  
It is time to discover.  (To Phill. Sir Cog. 
How, Madam, say you?  Siss. 
But show your face, than you clear all suspicion  
In this Gentleman.  Phill. 
Will this, Sir, serve the turn?.  (Discovers only to Sir Cog. Sir Cog. 
Heavens!  
But once more let me gaze; my happiness  
Is so wonderful great, I can't believe it.  Phill. 
What think you now?  (Discovers again. Sir Cog. 
What think I Madam?  
I cannot think, nor speak, nor see, nor hear.  Phill. 
Peace, not a word: hold up the humour still,  
That we may not disturb my Brother in his Amour.  
Your Sister and I, Sir, will borrow your Coach  
While you two catch the Old Knight in's own trap:  
Then we'll expect you home. Run in no danger.  
Remember you're mine.  Sir Cog. 
Be pleased, Madam,  
I'th' interim, to partake of our Banquet?  They open the Wheel-barrow, take out the Sugar-plums that lie at top, throw them about, then present the sweetmeats to the Ladies. Dian. 
'Tis likely, Sir, you know not your own mind?  Nob. 
I'll give it you under what Oath you please.  Dian. 
That, Sir, perhaps is too serious a thing  
For any thing you mean. And then, besides,  
Do but consider our young acquaintance, Sir,  
Which is not a month old.  Nob. 
An Age in Love!  
Who with industrious wings should leave behind  
The formal hours, nor is our meeting, Madam,  
To be assigned to any portion of them,  
Since it was meant as soon as we took breath;  
And is but reconciled to accidents  
That make it up.  Dian. 
A new Philosophy?  
Well, Sir, go on.  Clay. 
A mumble, Clunch?  
Hie Tray, there; mumble boys.  Nob. 
And should we add to it (I mean that time)  
A cheap account of years, they cannot give  
The more authority to my Vows, nor wrong  
The honourable Favours you may shower  
Upon your Servant. These things well considered,  
You must conclude, Madam, 'tis with a form,  
An idle custom, you would now comply  
Against my happiness.  Dian. 
Well, Sir, in short,  
Since by my Brother I'm informed you are  
A person much deserving, and that besides  
I'm wholly guided by him in this choice,  
You promising so fair, henceforth you'll have  
More than a Mistress in title of me;  
And for the future, 'tis like I'it command:  
Think how you can obey.  Nob. 
Obsequiously;  
Nothing within the circle of my power  
To be exempted, Madam.  Dian. 
On these conditions,  
I may be bold, Sir, to give you my hand.  Nob. 
And I to seal them, Madam,  
On the white authors of my happiness.  (Kisses her hand. Sir Cog. presents the Heart to Phill. other parts to the other Ladies. Phill. 
Sure, Sir, that's done already, is it not?  
Or I have lost by th' bargain.  Sir Cog. 
'Tis so, Madam;  
And this is merely Emblematical.  Dian. 
Now for some Hyppochras!  Nob. 
White or red, Madam?  Dian. 
Either, Sir, both.  Sir Cog. 
How do you like your liquours?  Wrest an arm, draw Claret, draw white as from the Bladder. Phill. 
They are good.  
I'll try your skill once more; some Jelly now:  Open the head, take Jelly. 
What are his brains turned to that substance too?  Clay. 
They are the kindest Devils that e'er I saw;  
Are they not, Clunch?  Phill. 
my Brother plies it close;  
I hope he will carry the Widow.  Lady. 
whoever you are accept my hearty thanks  
For your most pleasant and seasonable pastimes.  Exeunt Maskers. 
No longer between interest and love  
Shall my heart wavering be, but choose  
The latter for his god, and with disdain  
Renouncing Pluto, Cupid's slave remain.  Gives her hand to Per.   


ACT V. SCENE I. Covent-garden.  Young Airy▪ solus in the dark. Y. Airy. 
WHy this is well: when things are at the worst,  
They commonly do mend; so may my fortune.  
But first let me be sure there's none o'th'dregs  
Of the late stock behind, lest that a little  
Of the old leaven should ferment that Mass  
Which is to come; send it after the rest  
To th' Devil headlong: what have I got here?  Enter Parson. Airy searches his Pockets, finds a Guiny, weighs it in's hand. 
Another Devil in a golden dress?  Par. 
No, Sir, Heavens defend, I am the Parson  
You have appointed to marry you this night.  Airy. 
What's this you say?  (Airy startles. Par. 
That five hundred a year,  
And a young handsome Wife i'th' bargain, Sir,  
Should make you diligent, and lose no time.  Airy. 
Hold Fortune; not so fast, lest I should surfeit.  (Aside. 
How, fawning of a sudden? Here, take this.  (Gives the Parson the Guiny. Par. 
I thank you, Sir; there needs not so much haste;  
I could a stayed till the business were done.  
Sir, I'll be gone, and wait at the Church-porch,  
Where first you did appoint me for to be:  
There I'll expect you both to tie the Knot.  (Runs out. Airy. 
Hist! hist!— the Devil I gave him but now  Kitty le's fall the Lander of ropes on him, 〈…〉. 
Has carried him away, and with him all  
The budding hopes I had— How now? what's this?  
A Rope? 'tis so: ready fastened for use?  
I thank thee Fortune however for this,  
But beg your pardon if I slight your favour.  (Feels again. 
A Ladder of Ropes? there's something in the wind,  
Some Lover's assignation, or some thiefs;  
It may be either. Should it be the last,  
It were but charity to warn the house.  
If't proves the first, as probably it may,  
As far as I can guests, by th' late discourse  
I had with him my Devil took away;  
Why may not I expect from a Rope's end,  
What was denied me by all other means,  
An end of all my miseries at once,  
As many find? I'll up and try th'Event,  
Whatsoever it be.  Enter▪ Sir Am. Shift, Champ. Per. After, Enter Nob. Cog. and Slye. They grope in the dark for the Ladder. Shift. 
We must grope for this Ladder in the dark.  These 3 lines are spoken while Airy gets up the Ladder. Sir Am. 
Go you one way, and I'll another take.  
And he that finds the Ladder first, gets up.  Gets up the Ladder into the window, feels out Kitty, takes her by the hand; she seems surprised. Kitty. 
I'm glad you're come;  
I thought you very long: is the Minister  
At the Church-porch?  Airy, 
Peace, peace.  (Presses her hand with both his. Kitty. 
Come, let me lead,  
I know the way o'th' house better than you.  
Once more remember what a wise you get,  
Young, Rich, and, though I say't, handsome to boot:  
I hope, Sir, you'll deserve this happiness,  He answers not, but Kisses her hand. 
By your tender love to me.  Sir Amorous finds first the Ladder, get up; Noble finds it next, stands aside of it holding it in his hand: Shift finds it next, goes to get up; Noble seizes on him, gives him to Sir Cog. and Slye 〈…〉 Sir Amorous stumbles in the dark, raises the 〈◊〉 a noise within, an outcry of Thiefs. Champ. 
Jerny, me save me Modres shield; adieu.  Thinking to run away, runs against a wall, falls backwards. Sir Amorous above. Sir Am. 
Madam, we are undone if you come not.  
I beg it on my knees, make haste away,  
Or say you will not go: what, not a word?  Ranges about within: Dispatch to Madam Kitty's Chamber there. Sir Am. 
Why, Madam, Madam? Oh! Heavens, she's gone;  
And I'm so frighted, that I cannot move.  
They come, and I'm undone—  Servants within. They enter. Seru. 
Break down the door, it must be there.  
Seize on her there: what's this? a man apparelled  
In a woman's dress? a pure Rogue this!  2 Seru. 
But where is Madam Kitty all this while?  1 Seru. 
Not to be found.  2 Seru. 
What a confusion's here?  
Come along, Sir.  Exeunt above: Shift whistles. Enter Thiefs in disguise of Watchmen with a Lantern. Thief. 
Stand: Who goes there?  Shift. 
Here, here, seize on these Thiefs, and hold them fast.  
I took them in the act, robbing the School-house.  Nob. 
Impudent Rogue!  (As Nob. and Sir Cog. offer to resist, they fall on 'em and disarm them. Enter Women, with spits; forks, etc. bringing Sir Am. 1 Seru. 
Come, come, bring forth the Thief:  
Which is the Watch?  Thiefs. 
Here, here; What, more Rogues yet?  Enter the true Watch. Watchman. 
Stand: Who goes there?  
Call the Constable ho.  The true Watch whisper busily together. Thiefs. 
We are the Watch.  Shift. 
Come, away with them there, to th' Justice, Sirs.  Nob. 
To Justice Frost we'll go.  Sir Cog. 
Yes, there I'll go.  Shift. 
No, Sirs, you shall go to some other Justice.  Sir Am. 
To Justice Frost.  Watch. 
Yes, yes, they shall go there.  Shift. 
But I say no.  Watch. 
What Ward are you of, friends?  Thiefs. 
Of Covent-garden Watch.  Const. 
Seize on the Rogues,  (Seize on the Thiefs, disarm them. 
W''re Covent-garden Watch: how, counterfeits?  
We'll teach you t'faleyfie the King's Majesty  
I'th' person of his constable and Watchmen.  
Along, along, to Sir Amorous Frost with them.  (Shift runs away. Nob. 
This works well now.  Sir Cog. 
As well as heart could wish.  Exeunt.  

SCENE II. Lady Lovewealth's house.  Enter Lady Lovewealth, Per. leading her. Clay, Clunch, and Tray. Clay. 
WEll, well, since it is so, I'll e'en march off;  
So Lady fare you well: come Tray, come Clunch,  
Come mouth, we'll home.  Lady. 
Sir, I must beg your pardon,  
If I make bold to detain this Gentleman.  Clay. 
To teach you Compliments.  Lady. 
For that same purpose,  
And frequently to practise Courtship with him,  
That I may be expert.  Clay. 
Practice, expert.  
She begins well already— e'en stay with her.  (To Per. 
For as well, in our Town, we have no need  
Of Complimenters, nor of Courtiers neither.  
There will I in all haste, so fare you well.  Clunch. 
There will I in all haste, so fare you well.  
Come, Tray, bid them farewell.  Exeunt Day, Clunch and Dog. Lady. 
I must return you, Sir, thanks for those pains  
Which you have taken to render me sensible  
Of my late folly, my covetous mind:  
Therefore in gratitude to your civilities,  
I give you this assurance to be yours.  (Gives him her hand. Per. 
And I, Madam, with a most servant Love,  
And most obsequious Services? will pay  
My offerings to this Altar every day.  Exeunt.  

SCENE III. Sir Am. his house.  Constable, Watch, and Prisoners. Const. 
BRing in the Prisoners there, make room before.  (Sir Am. house. Enter Champ. laughs at his Master. Exit. 
Come, where's his worship? let him know we're here.  Enter Crosby. Noble steals off; Crosby would retire, the Watchmen detain him. Watch. 
No, no, we know your tricks.  Const. 
Gentlemen, look all to your Prisoners there.  1 Watch. 
Let's count them over.  They count, and reckon Crosby among them. 2 Watch. 
1, 2, 3, 4, etc.  
theyare right, th' are right.  Crosb. 
Gentlemen, you mistake, I'm none o'th' number;  
Merely Curiosity did bring me here.  Watch. 
I think he came in since.  Const. 
Then let him go.  Exit Crosby. Enter Champ. Champ. 
Vish is de Constable?  Const. 
Here, here, I am.  Champ. 
Me Mr. bid me ask de you for de grate Thief  
In de humans closes, he vill anser for de him.  Const. 
Here, here a is; I warrant an old Thief:  (Exit Champ. laughs with Sir Am. Enter Noble, Crostitch. Nob. 
By your leave, friends, you know me, I suppose?  (To the Const. Const. 
My honest Landlord?  Nob. 
The very same.  Const. 
I'm glad to see you well, Sir.  Nob. 
This Gentlewoman, Mrs. of the School,  
Sesse, that through a mistake was all this stir:  
She finds nothing amiss in all her house,  
And therefore is come hither to treat  
For the liberty of these Gentlemen:  
It is not so?  (To Crossed. Crossed. 
'Tis as the Gentleman says.  Nob. 
Mr. Constable, a word with you in private.  Brings him aside, whispers to him, giveth him money. 1 Watch. 
The Justice is very long.  2 Watch. 
He was asleep;  
'Tis like they could not wake him o'th' sudden.  Const. 
Come, Gentlemen, let's go; I'm certified.  2 Watch. 
I hope they'll give us something though to drink?  Nob. 
There, honest friends; good night.  Exeunt all but Nob. Sir Cog. Crossed. and Slye. 
Good Mrs. Crostitch, where found you my Sister?  Crossed. 
Passing by our house, as from that street  
That leads to Covent-garden, a Gentleman  
Leading her by the hand, by chance a glimpse  
Of a neighbouring light discovered her to me.  Nob. 
What did she say?  Crossed. 
Why, Sir, that she was married  
To that Gentleman; which he owned to be true.  Nob. 
She is undone for ever! quite undone!  
Where is she now?  Crossed. 
Sir, she is at my house,  
Where she said she would stay till you came to her.  Nob. 
Go and be with her, pray, until I come.  Exit Crossed. 
This business managed well, Sir, may be worth  
A thousand pounds a year.  Sir Cog. 
That I must do.  Nob. 
I'll to my Sister go, examine her;  
While you'll do well to go to the old man  
And try what you can do, while he is yet  
In's panic fears.  Sir Cog. 
Be sure I'll do my best.  Nob. 
I'll take my Sister with me to your house.  Sir Cog. 
My house is yours, you know; Now must I go  
To the old Knight with a most grievous story,  
No less than Burglary and rape i'th' Gaze,  
And those with aggravations—  Enter Sir Am. Sir Am. 
Nephew, undone!  
Undone for ever in my Reputation.  Sir Cog. 
I hope not so, dear Sir, though had enough.  Sir Am. 
What's become of the rest? Oh! fatal hour!  Sir Cog. 
Sir, by my means conveyed out of the way,  
Not far from hence.  Sir Am. 
Now Child, what's to be done?  Sir Cog. 
Sir, for the present I have stopped all proceedings,  
Though 'twill break out again.  Sir Am. 
Too soon, I fear.  
Well Nephew, though 'tis late, I see my fault,  
And most deservedly am punished for't:  
I put myself, and Reputation both,  
Into your hands; preserve them both as yours.  
I shall requite you, and in consideration  
O'th' wrong I would of late have done you, Nephew,  
I will allow you, during my whole life,  
A thousand pounds a year; and at my death,  
The whole reversion of all my Estate.  
Let's in, and there I'll confirm the Deed to you  
Before sufficient witnesses, till I can  
Get the Writings drawn up.  Sir Cog. 
Honoured Sir,  
My life and honour shall for evermore  
Stand between you and any sort of danger.  
That no time may be lost, I'll instantly  
To th'company, and take upon myself  
The whole adventure. I hope I shall find friends  
To get me off for some small sum of money.  
It will be said of me, it was my youth.  
Thus, Sir, your Reputation will be safe,  
Your Person out of danger, and—  Sir Am. 
I instantly  
Will send to have the Writings drawn up,  
With all the haste that may be.  Sir Cog. 
Sir, good night.  Exeunt severally.  

SCENE IV. Sir Cog. house.  Phill. Phan. Siss. Phill. 
Prithee, dear heart, content thyself a while;  
Th' appointed hour was between five and six,  
And 't has but just struck five.  Phan. 
My dearest friend,  
Pardon my Jealousies—  Phill. 
Be cheerful then;  
I'll lay my life 'twill do.  Phan. 
Should your plot fail,  
I were undone past all hopes of repair.  
Is the Parson come yet?  Siss. 
Yes, long ago;  
Waits in the Chamber next my Lady's closet,  
Has but cold comfort on't.  Phill. 
He's in the dark.  Siss. 
H'as neither fire, nor light,  
And is locked up.  Phill. 
Come Siss, along with me to the Piazza.  Siss. 
Madam, I cannot fight.  Phill. 
No matter, Wench,  
I'm stout enough for both.  Siss. 
Without a sword?  Phill. 
I'll leave you, Madam; you must have no light:  
Let me alone to put the Change upon him.  
Here comes some company, retire quick.  Enter Diana, Lysse. Dian. 
Well, Madam Sister, have you done your do?  Phill. 
Faith, dear Sister, not yet; but one plot more,  
And then no more: Where's your Brother, Madam,  
And Mr. Noble?  Dian. 
Not yet returned, you see;  
But sure they'll not be long.  Phill. 
Well, I must go,  
I shall not stay 'bove half an hour, at most.  
I hope at my return to find all here.  Dian. 
Madam, how dare you venture all alone  
At this unseasonable hour?  Phill. 
I fear no Colours!  Exit with Siss. Dian. 
This new Sister of mine is a mad thing.  
What strange things she has acted here of late!  
And still with good success.  Lysse. 
She has her ends.  
Siss has told me, her Mrs. made no question  
But that she would procure herself a Husband,  
And her Brother a wife, in two days space;  
And had her other Brother been in Town,  
'Twould have gone hard but she'd ha' fitted him  
With a wife also.  Dian. 
She has done pretty well,  
Having made sure for herself of my Brother,  
Has put hers also in so fair a way  
To th'Lady Lovewealth, it is ten to one  
But he will carry her: but here he is,  Enter Per. and Lady Lovewealth. 
And by his cheerful looks I hope all's well.  Per. 
The night being far spent, and knowing, Madam,  
There was such work in hand as would detain you  
From your accustomed rest, we have made bold,  
This fair Lady and I, to wait upon you.  Lady. 
Madam, I had no sooner given this Gentleman  
A power over me, but he has made use of it  
In commanding me hither.  Per. 
By your advice.  Dian. 
I am o'erjoyed, Sir, to see your success,  
And wish your Ladyship all happiness  
In this your choice.  Lady. 
As I do you in yours.  Dian. 
I humbly thank your Ladyship, dear Madam.  Per. 
Nay, for my part, I'm fully persuaded  
That all the Stars are in a close conjunction  
This very night: but, Madam, where's the rest?  
My Sister, Madam—  Dian. 
Gone about some new plot.  Per. 
Madam, here comes your Brother and his Mate.  Enter Sir Cog. Phill. Phill. 
Brother, speak, hast thou sped?  Lady. 
I'll answer for him.  
Madam, he may thank your politic head  
For having me.  Per. 
And my well acting in it.  Phill. 
I hope by this I've made an other match  
Since I went hence.  Sir Cog. 
As how? pray let us hear.  Phill. 
Mr. Crosby being highly incensed  
Against you, Sir, whom he knew was his Rival,  
Was pleased this night to send a Challenge to you.  
I in your absence, by the help of the dark,  
Received that Message, which he thought he had given  
To your own self. I was but just returned  
From the Rendezvous, where finding the mistake  
His Second had made, with some fair words,  
And a promise of Marriage, I've brought him home.  Sir Cog. 
How! a promise of Marriage, do you say?  Phill. 
Yes, yes, which by this time I have made good  
I hope, and yet no prejudice to you,  (Sir Cog. startles. 
As you shall hear. The abused Lady Phanny  
Through his wildness, as you know I had above,  
And a Parson in readiness in the dark,  
Under pretence of not being discovered,  
He gave consent it should be without light:  
There having brought Mr. Crosby, just now  
i've slipped my hand from his, and in exchange  
Have given him the Lady Phanny's hand:  
I left them in this posture, the Minister  
Doing his office readily without book.  
So giving them the slip, I am come hither.  Enter Crosby, and Phanny. 
By this, I hope theyare fast.  Sir Cog. 
I wish it so.  Per. 
Why here is plot enough to make a Play!  Phill. 
Oh! here they come, and by their countenance  
I hope all's well.  Crosby. 
Where's my Trappanner, ho!  Phill. 
I hope, Sir, you have pardoned my deceit.  Crosby. 
I thank your goodness for it, and do confess  
You are that happy Star has guided me  
To this shunned haven which will prove my Bliss,  
Since I have paid that debt which through my Vows  
I had contracted here. Your pardon, Sir,  (To Sir Cog. 
For those thoughts I once harboured against you  
My Rival then, but now I hope my friend,  
What say you, Sir?  Sir Cog. 
That here you may command  
Your Lady too.  Enter Noble, Airy, Kitty. Phill. 
How now? who have we here?  
My Brother sure, or I am in a dream?  Nob. 
Our Brother, Madam.  Pereg. 
'Tis impossible, sure.  Y. Airy. 
Nay, 'tis even so: I am a married man,  
And this my Lady, Brother.  Kitty. 
Thank your fortune!  Nob. 
Sister, and so may you, that he is yours.  
For your sake, Sir, I'll forget her late folly,  (To Airy. 
And thank the Heavens for designing her yours  
At the same time she sought her own destruction.  Y. Airy. 
You are all goodness, Sir, to pardon thus  
My late presumption.  Nob. 
All shall be now forgot:  
This is a night of Jubilee; from hence  
We must banish all sorrow.  Phill. 
Pray let me come,  
I'm Mrs. of the house, am I not, Sir?  (To Sir Cog. Sir Cog. 
And of me too.  Phill. 
I thought so much at least;  
Therefore, dear Brother, I must bid you welcome,  
And to your Lady.  Y. Airy. 
Dear Sister, humble thanks.  Kitty. 
Madam, for your sake, I'll praise him the more.  Enter Sir Am. Sir Am. 
My very good friends all, I am come here  
To make my recantation, own my fault,  
And willingly set a fine on my head  
For my late folly: I therefore in presence  
Of all are here, declare this Gentleman, my Nephew,  
Sole Heir to my Estate, after my death:  
During my life, allow him every year  
One thousand pound. To this pray witness all,  
Till I have made it good in lawful form  
Under my Hand and Seal.  Sir Cog. and Phill. 
We thank you, Sir.  Nob. 
All these joinings of hands, and no dance to't?  Phill. 
Come, come, I'm for a dance, in which you'll see,  
Though distinct Couples, we can all agree.  The Dance. After which, Enter Slye haling of Champagne. Slye. 
O! have I caught you, Sir? Now sirrah, either fight  
With me presently, or prepare to die.  Champ. 
Ha! ha! ha! Begar me tink de fellow is made;  
Vat pox do you no see dat de la Comedy is finish? look de  
Your part, you will find no sush ting: go, go, and let de me  
To de la company.  Exit Slye. Champ. addresses to the Audience, the Epilogue. 
Gentliman, do in de la Comedy me most no fit, but me most swear, me naturellement love de fit: et Jerny me voul no swear; derefor par consequent me come to tell de you, dat me be the Poet Champion. If dear be man, homan, or little shield dat vill no clape the hand, and swear Jerny de Comedy is very good, begar, me swear is no the understand de vit, nor de raisin, et mee presentement turne de la Comedy in de la Tragedy. Alon Jerny—  Draws and flourishes during the Clap. After the Clap, goes on thus. 
So, very good; now because you be all de civility, me promise sur mon honneur, me voul no kill de you, and me give de you de permission to come here to morrow again (for your argent Jerny) et so Mesieurs adieu; me go tell de Poet de your courtoisie.  Exit. 
FINIS.