THE Assembly-man;  
Written by Sir John Birkenhead; in the Year 1647.  ΘΕΟΦΡΑΣΤ. Χαρακτ ιγʹ περί ΠΕΡΙΕΡΓΙΑΣ. Δ 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. 
i.e.  He seditiously stirs up men to fight: he'll teach others the way whereof himself is most ignorant; and persuades men to take an Oath, because himself had sworn it before. 
LONDON, Printed for W. Davis, Anno Dom. 1681/2.   

READER,  
THis Pamphlet was torn from me by those who say they cannot rob, because all is theirs. They found it where it slept many years forgotten; but they ' wakened it, and made false Transcripts. They Excized what they liked not; so mangled and Reformed, that 'twas no Character of an Assembler, but of themselves. A Copy of that Reformling had crept to the Press. I seized and stopped it, unwilling to Father other men's sins. Here therefore you have it (as 'twas first scribbled) without addition of a syllable; I wish I durst say here's nothing lopped off. But men and manners are changed, at least they say so. If yet this trifle seem born with teeth, you know whose hands were knuckle-deep in the blood of that renowned Chancellor of Oxon (Archbishop LAUD) though when they cut up that great Martyr, his two greatest Crimes were the two greatest Glories Great Britain can boast of, St. Paul's Church and the Oxford Library. Where you find no coherence, remember this Paper hath suffered Decimation: Better times have made it worse, and that's no fault of.  
J. Berkenhead.   

THE Assembly-man.  
AN Assembler is part of the State, ' Chattels: nor Priest, nor Burgess, but a Participle that shark's upon both. He was chosen, as Sir Nathaniel, because he knew least of all his Profession: not by the Votes of a Whole Diocese, but by one whole Parliament-man. He has sat four years towards a new Religion, but in the interim left none at all: as his Masters, the Commons had along Debate whether Canáles or no Candles, but all the mean while sat still in the Dark: And therefore when the Moon quits her old Light, and has acquired no new, Astronomeres say she is in her Synods, Show me such a Picture of Judas as the Assembler, (a griping, false, Reforming Brother; rails at Waste spent upon the Anointed; persecutes most those Hands which Ordained him; brings in men with swords and states; and all for Money from the Honourable Scribes and Pharisees:) One Touch more (a Line tied to his Namesake Elder-tree) had made him Judas, Root and Branch. This Assembly at first was a full Century; which should be reckoned as the Scholiast's Hecatomb, by their Feet, not Heads: or count them by Scores, for in things without Heads  go to an hundred. They would be a New Septuagint; the Old translated Scripture out of Heberw into Greek, these turn in to four shillings a day. And and these Assemblers were begot in one day, as Herculeses fifty Bastards all in one night. Their first List was sprinkled with some names of Honour, (Dr. Sanderson, Dr. Morley-Dr. Hammond, & e,) But these were Divines; too worthy to mix with such scandalous Ministers, and would not Assemble without the Royal Call. Nay, the first List had one Archbishop, one Bishop, and an Half, (for Bishop Brownrigg was then but Elect.) But now their Assembly (as Philosophers think the World) consists of Atoms; petty small Levites, whose Parts are not perceptible. And yet these inferior postern Teachers have intoxicated England (for a man sometimes grows drunk by a Glister.) When they all meet, they show Beasts in Asrick by promiscuous coupling engender Monsters. Mr. Selden visits them (as Persians use) to see wild Asses fight: when the Commons have tired him with their new Law, these Brothers refresh him with their mad Gospel: They lately were graveled 'twixt Jerusalem and Jericho; they knew not the distance 'twixt those two places; one cried twenty miles, another ten, 'twas concluded seven, for this reason, that Fish was brought from Jericho to Jerusalem market: Mr Selden smiled and said perhaps the Fish, was salt Fish and so stopped their mouths. Earl Philip goes thither to hear them spend; when he heard them toss their National, Provincial, Classical, Congregational; he swore damnably, that a pack of good Dogs made better Music: His Allusion was porper, since the Elder's Maid had a four-legged Husband. To speak truth, this Assembly is the two Houses Tiring-room where the Lords and the Commons put on their Vizards and Masques of Religion. And their Honours have so sifted the Church, that at last they have found the Bran of the Clergy. Yet such poor Church-menders must Reform and shuffle: though they find Church Government may a thousand ways be changed for the worse, but not one way for the better. These have lately published Annotations on the Bible, where their first Note (on the word CREATE) is a Libel against Kings for creating of Honours. Their Annotation on Jacob's two Kids, is, that two Kids are too much for one man's supper: but he had (say they) but one Kid and the other made Sauce. They observe upon Herod, what a Tyrant he was, to kill Infants under two years old, without giving them legal Trial, that they might speak for themselves. Commonly they follow the Geneva Margin, as those Seamen who understood not the Compass crept a long the Shore. But I hear they threaten a second Edition, and in the interim thrust forth a paltry Catechism, which expounds Nine Commandments, and Eleven Articles of the Creed. Of late they are much in love with Chronograms, because (if possible) they are duller than Anagrams; O how they have torn the poor Bishop's names to pick out the number 666! little dreaming that a whole Bakers dozen of their own Assembly have that beastly number in each of their Names, and that as exactly as their Solemn League and Covenant consists of 666 words. But though the Assembler's Brains are Lead, his Countenance is Brass; for he damned such as held two benefices, while himself has four or five, besides his Concubine Lecture. He is not against Pluralities, but Dualities; He says it is unlawful to have two of his own, though four of other men's; and observes how the Hebrew word for Life has no singular number. Yet it is some relief to a sequestered person to see two Assemblers snarl for his Tithes; for of all kind of Beasts none can match an Assembler but an Assembler. He never enters a Church by the Door, but clambers up through a Window of Sequestration, or steals in through Vaults and Cellars by Clandestine Contracts with an Expecting Patron. He is most sure no Law can hurt him, for Laws died in England the year before the Assembler was born. The best way to hold him, is (as our King Richard bound the King of Cyprus) in silver chains. He loves to discourse of the New Jerusalem, because her streets are of fine Gold; and yet could like London as well, were Cheapside paved with the Philosopher's stone. Nay, he would say his Prayers with Beads, if he might have a Set made of all Diamonds: This, this is it which tempts him to such mad Articles against the Loyal Clergy, whom he dresses as he would have them appear; just as the Ballad of Dr. Faustus brings forth the Devil in a Friar's weed. He accused one Minister, for saying the blessed Virgin was the Mother of God, (〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, as the Ancients call her.) Another he charged for a common Drunkard, whom all the Country knows has drunk nothing but Water these 26 years. But the Assembler himself can drink Widows Tears though their husbands are not dead. Sure, if Paracelsus' Doctrine were true, (that to cat creatures alive will perpetuate man's life) the Assembler were imortal, for he swallows quick Men, Wives, and Children; and devours Lives as well as Live; as if he were born in that Pagan Province where None might marry till he had Killed twelve Christians. This makes him kneel to Lieutenant General Cromwell (as Indians to the Devil;) for he saw how Oliver first threw—, then— and can with a wink do as much for—: Like Milo in the Olympics, by practising on a Calf grew strong enough for a Bull, and could with case give a lift to an Ass. The great Turk was sending his Ambassador, to congratulate the Assemblies Proceed against the Christians; He Ordered them Thanks for licensing his Alcoran to be printed in English; but hearing Ottoman Cromwell had talked of marching to the Walls of Constantinople, that Embassy was stopped. The only difference 'twixt the Assembler and a Turk, is, that one plants Religion by the power of the Sword, and the other by the power of the Scimitar. Nay, the greatest strife in their whole Conventicle, is who shall do worst; for they all intent to make the Church but a Sepulchre, having not only Plundered but Anatomised all the true Clergy; whose torment is hight'ned in being destroyed by such dull instruments; as the Prophet Isaiah was sawn to pieces with a wooden Saw. The Assembler wondèrs that the King and his Friends live still in hope; he thinks them all in St. Clemens' case, drowned with an Anchor tied about his neck. He has now got power to visit the Universities; where these blinking Visitors look on eminent Scholars (as the Blindman who saw men like Trees) as Timber growing within the Root-and-Branch Ordinance. The Assembler has now left Scholars so poor, they have scarce Rags wherewith to make Paper. A man would think the Two houses intent to transport the Universities, since they load Asses with Colledge-Revenues. For though these Assemblers made themselves Heads, they are rather Hands of Colleges, for they all are takers, and take all. And yet they are such creeping Tyrants, that Scholars are Expelled the two Universities, as the old Thracians, forced from their Country by Rats and Mice. So that Learning now is so much advanced, as Arrowsmith's Glass-eye sees more than his natural. They never admit a good scholar to a Benefice, for the Assemblies Balance is the Lake of Sodom, where Iron swims and Feathers sink. Their Divinity-Disputations are with Women or Laymen; and 'tis only on one Question (Episcopacy) where the Assembler talks all that he and his friends can say, (though his best medium to prove Presbyters more ancient than Bishops, is, that Scribes, Pharisees, Priests and Elders where before the apostles;) Yet if a Scholar or good Argument come, he flies them as much as if they were his Text. This made him curse Dr. Steward, Dr. Laney and Dr. Hammond, and had he not had more Brass in his Face than in his Kitchen, he had hanged himself at Uxbridge, and ended with that Treaty. For he has naught of Logic, but her clutched sister, and rails at Philosophy as Beggars do at Gentlemen. He has very bad luck when he deals in philology, as one of them (and that no mean man) who in his preface to the Reader, says, that St. Paul had read Eustathius upon Homer, though the Apostle died a thousand years before Eustathius was born. The Assembers Diet is strangely different, for he dines wretchedly on dry Bread at Westminster; four Assemblers for 13 pence: But this sharpens and What's him for supper, where he feeds gratis with his City-Landlord, to whom he brings a huge Stomach and News; for which Crammed Capons cram him. He screws into Families where is some rich Daughter or Heir; but whoever takes him into their bosom, will die like Cleopatra. When it reins he is Coached (a Classis of them together) rolling his Eyes to mark who beholds him. His shortest things are his hair and his Cloak. His hair is cut to the figure of 3; two high Cliffs run up his Temples, whose Cap of shorn hair shoots down his Forehead, with Creeks indented, where his Ears ride at Anchor. Had this false Prophet been carried with Habbakuk, the Angel had caught fast hold of his Ears, and led him as he leads his Auditory. His Eyes are part of his Tithe at Easter, which he boyles at each Sermon. He has two Mouths, his Nose is one, for he speaks through both. His hands are not in his Gloves but his Gloves in his Hands, for ' cwixt sweatings that is, Sermons, he handles little else, except his dear Mammon. His Gown (I mean his Cloak) reaches but his pockets: when he rides in that mantle, with a Hood on his shoulders and a hat above both, is he not then his own Man of sin with the Triple Crown? you would swear some honest Carpenter dressed him, and made him the Tunnel of a Country Chimney. His Doublet and Hose are of dark Blue, a grain deeper than pure Coventry: but of late he's in Black, since the Loyal Clergy were persecuted into Colours. His two lo gest things are his Nails and his Prayer. But the cleanest thing about him is his Pulpit-Cushion, for he still beats the Dust out of it. To do him right. commonly he wears a pair of good Lungs, whereby he turns the Church into a Belfry, for his Clapper makes such a Din, you cannot hear the Cymbal for the Tinkling. If his pulpit be large he walks his Round, and speaks as from a Garrison, (his own Neck is Palizadoed with a Ruff) When he first enters his prayer before Sermon, he winks and gasps, and gasps and winks, as if he prepared to preach in another world, He seems in a slumber, then in a Dream; then rumbles a while; at last sounds forth, and then throws so much Dirt and Nonsense towards Heaven, as he durst not offer to a Member of Parliament. Now because Scripture bids him not curse the King in his thought, he does it in his Pulpit by word of mouth; though heaven strike him Dumb in the very Act, as it did Hill at Cambridge, who while he prayed, Depose Him, O Lord, who would depose us, was made the dumb Devil. This (one would think) should gargoyle his foul mouth. For his only hope why God should hear him against the King, is the Devil himself (that great Assembler) was heard against Job. His whole prayer is such an irrational Bleating, that (without a Metaphor) 'tis the Calves of his Lips: And commonly 'tis larded with fine new words, as Savingable, Muchly, Christ-Jesusnes, etc. and yet he has the face to preach against Prayer in an unknown Tongue. Sometimes he is foundered, and then there is such hideous Coughing: But that is very seldom, for he can glibly run over Nonsense, as an empty Cart trundles down a Hill. When the King girt round the Earl of Essex at Lestythiell, an Assembler complained that God had drawn his People into the Wilderness, and told Him, He was bound in honour to feed them; for, Lord, said he, since, thou givest them not Meat, we pray thee, O Lord, to give them no Stomaches. He tore the Liturgy, because, forsooth, it shackled his Spirit, (he would be a Devil without a circle;) and now if he see the Book of Common-prayer, the fire sees it next, as sure as the Bishops were burned who compiled it. Yet he has mercy on Hopkins and Sternhold, because their Metres are sung without Authority (no Statute, Canon, or Injunction at all;) only like himself, first crept into private houses; and then into Churches. Mr. Rous moved those Metres might be sequestered, and his own new Rhythms to enjoy the sequestration; but was refused because John Hopkins was as ancient as John Calvin; Besides, when Rous stood forth for his Trial, Robin Wisdom was found the better Poet. 'Tis true, they have a Directory, but 'tis good for nothing but Adoniram, who sold the Original for 400 l. And the Book must serve both England and Scotland as the Directory Needle points North and South. The Assembler's only ingenuity is, that he prays for an ex tempore Spirit, since his Conscience tells him he has no Learning. His prayer thus ended, he than looks round, to observe the Sex of his Congregation, and accordingly turns the Apostle's Men, Fathers, and Brethren, into Dear Brethren and Sisters. For, his usual Auditory is most-part Female; and as many Sister's flock to him, as at Paris on Saint Margaret's day, when all come to Church that are, or hope to be with child that year. He divides his Text as he did the Kingdom, makes one part fight against another: or as Burges divides the Dean of Paul's House, not into parts, but Tenements, that is, so as 'twill yield most money. And properly they are Tenements, for each part must be dwelled upon, though himself comes near it but once a quarter; and so his Text is rather let out than Divided. Yet sometimes (to show his skill in Keckermen,) he Butchers a Text, cuts it (just as the Levite did his Concubine) into many dead parts, breaking the sense and words all to pieces, and then they are not divided, but shattered like the Splinters of Don Quixot's Lance. If his Text be to the occasion, his first Dish is Apples of Gold, in Pictures of Silver; yet tells not the People what Pictures those were. His Sermon and prayer grin at each other, the one is Presbyterian, the other Independent, for he preaches up the Classes, yet prays for the Army. Let his Doctrine and Reason be what they will, his Use is still to save his Benefice and augment his Lecture. He talks much of Truth, but abhors Peace, lest it strip him as naked as Truth; and therefore hates a personal Treaty, unless with a Sister. He has a rare simpering way of expressions he calls a Married Couple Saints that enjoy the mystery; & a man Drunk, is a Brother full of the Creature. Yet at Wedding Sermors he is very familiar, & (like that Picture in the Church at Leyden) shows Adam & Eve without Figleaves. At Funerals he gives infallible Signs that the Party is gone to Heaven, but his chief Mark of a child of God, is to be good to God's Ministers. And hence it is he calls his Preachment Manna, fitted not to his hearers Necessity, but their ; for 'tis to feed himself, not them. If he chance to tyre, he refreshes himself with the People's Hum, as a Collar of Bells to cheer up a Packhorse. 'Tis no wonder he'll preach, but that any will hear him, (and his constant Auditors do but show the length of their Ears;) For he is such an A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, that to hear him makes good Scholars sick, but to read him is death. Yet though you heard him three hours he'll ask a fourth, as the Beggar at Delft craves your Charity because he cats four pound of Bread at a Meal. 'Twas from his Alarm the Watch-makers learned their infinite Skrew. His Glass and Text are equally handled, that is, once an hour: nay sometimes be sally's and never returns, and then we should leave him to the Company of Lorimers, for he must be held with Bit and Bridle. Who ever once has been at his Church can never doubt the History of Balaam. If he have got any new Tale or Expression, 'tis easier to make stones speak than him to hold his peace. He hates a Church where there is an Echo, for it Robs him of his dear Repetition, and confounds the Auditory as well as he. But of all Mortals I admire the Short-hand-men, who have the patience to write from his Mouth: had they the art to shorten it into Sense, they might write his whole Sermon on the back of their Nail. For his Invention consists in finding a way to speak nothing upon any thing; and were he in the Grand Seignior's power, he would lodge him with his Mutes; for Nothing and Nothing to purpose are all one. I wonder in conscience he can preach against Sleeping at his Opium-Sermons. He preaches indeed both in season and out of season; for he rayl's at Popery; when the Land is almost lost in Presbytery; and would cry out Fire, Fire, in Noah's Flood. Yet all this he so acts with his Hands, that in this sense too his Preaching is an Handicraft. Nor can we complain that Plays are put down while he can preach; save only his Sermons have worse sense and less truth. But he blew down the Stage and preached up the Scaffold. And very wisely, lest men should tract him, and find where he pilfers all his best Similes, (the only thing wherein he is commendable, St Paul himself having culled Sentences from Menander's Thais, though 'twas his worst, that is, unchaste Comedy.) Sometimes the Assembler will venture at the Original, and then (with the translator of Don Quixot) he mistakes Sobs and Sighs for Eggs and Collops. But commonly (for want of Greek and Latin) he learns Hebrew, and straight is illuminated; that is, mad: his Brain is broke by a Brickbat cast from the Tower of Babel. And yet this empty windy Teacher has Lectured a War quite round the Kingdom: he has found a Circulation of blood for Destruction (as famous Harvey for Preservation) of Mankind. 'Twas easy to foresee a great Mortality, when Ravens were heard in all Corporations. For, as Multitude of Frogs presage a Pestilence, so croaking Lecturers foretold an Assembly. Men come to Church, as the Great Alexander went to Sacrifice, led by Crows. You have seen a small Elder-tree grow in chinks and clefts of Church-walls, it seems rather a Weed than a Tree; which, lend it growth, makes a Rent in the Wall, and throws down the Church. Is not this the Assembler? grown from Schisms (which himself begot,) and if permitted, will make the Church but a Floor or Churchyard. Yet, for all this, he will be called Christ's Minister and Saint, as the Rebels against King John were the Army of God. Sure when they meet they cannot but smile; for the dullest amongst them needs must know that they all cheat the people; such gross, low impostors, that we die the death of the Emperor Claudius, poisoned by Mushrooms. The old Heretics had Skill & Learning (some excuse for a Seduced Church; those were Scholars, but these Assemblers; whose very Brains (as Manichaeus' skin) are stuffed with Chaff. For they study little, & preach much, ever sick of a Diabetes: nor do they read, but weed Authors, picking up cheap & refuse Notes, that with Caligula they gather Cockle-shells, & with Domitian retire into their Study to catch Flies. At Fasts & Thank sgivings the Assembler is the State's Trumpet; for than he doth not preach, but is blown; proclaims News very loud, the Trumpet and his Forehead being both of one Metal. (And yet, good man, he still prays for Boldness.) He hackneys out his Voice like a Crier; and is a kind of Spiritual Agitant, receives Orders, and spreads them. In earnest the States can't want this Tool, for without him the Saints would scarce Assemble. And if the Zealots chance to fly out, they are charmed home by this Sounding Brass. There is not on earth a base Sycophant; for he ever is chewing some Vote or Ordinance; and tells the People how savoury it is; like him who licked up the Emperor's spittle and swore 'twas sweet. Would the two Houses give him Cathedral Lands, he would prove Lords and Commons to be Jure Divino: but should they offer him the Self-denying-Ordinance, he would justify the Devil and curse them to their faces, (his Brother Kirk-man did it in Scotland.) 'Tis pleasant to observe how finely they play into each others hands; Marshal procures thanks to be given to Sedgwick (for his great pains) Sedgwick obtains as much for Marshal, and so they all pimp for one another. But yet (to their great comfort be it spoken) their whole seven years' Sermons at Westminster are now to be sold in Fetter-lane and Pyecorner. Before a Battle the Assembler ever speaks to the Soldiers; and the holding up of his hands must be as necessary as Moses' against the Amalekites: For he pricks them on, tells them that God loves none but the valiant: but when Bullets fly, Himself runs first, and then cries All the sons of Adam are cowards! Were there any Metempsychosis his Soul would want a Lodgiog; no single Beast could fit him, being wise as a Sheep and innocent as a Wolf. His sole comfort is, he cannot outsin Hugh Peter: Sure, as Satan hath possessed the Assembler, so Hugh Peter's hath possessed Satan, and is the Devi's Devil. He alone would fill a whole Herd of Gadarens. He hath sucked Blood ever since he lay in the Butcher's Sheets: and now (like his Sultan) has a Shambles in his Countenance; so crimson and torrid, you may there read how St. Laurence died, and think the three Children were delivered from his face. This is St. Hugh, who will Level the Assembler, or the Devil's an Ass. Yoke these Brethren; and they two couple like a Sadducee and a Pharisae, or a Turk and a Persian, both Mahometans. But the Assembler's deepest, highest Abomination, is his Solemn League and Covenant; whereby he strives to damn or beggar the whole Kingdom; outdoing the Devil, who only persuades, but the Assembler forces to perjury or starving. And this) whoever lives to observe it) will one day sink both him and his Faction: for he and his Oath are so much one, that were he halfhanged and let down again, his first word would be Covenant! Covenant!  
But I forget, a Character should be brief (though tedious Length be his best Character.) Therefore I'll give ye ' (what He denies the Sequestered Clergy) but a fifth Part. For weigh him single, and he has the Pride of three Tyrants, the Forehead of six Gaolers and the Fraud of twelve Brokers. Or take him in the Bunch, and their whole Assembler is a Club of Hypocrites, where six dozen of Schismatik-spends two hours for four shillings apiece.  
FINIS