Bogg-Witticisms: OR, Dear joy's Common-Places. BEING A Complete Collection of the most Profound Punns, Learned Bulls, Elaborate Quibbles, and Wise Say of some of the Natives of Teagueland. Shut fourd vor Generaul Nouddificaushion: And Coullected be the Caare and Painsh-Tauking of oour Laurned Countree-maun, Mac O Bonniclabbero of Drogheda, Knight of the Mendicant Order. PRINTED For Evidansh Swear-all in Lack-Plaush Lane. Price Bound Two Shilling TO THE READER. THe Bulls and Witticisms, that have too frequently dropped from the Mouths of Dear Joys, have made them so Famous, that they are become the Discourse and Entertainment of almost all sorts of Companies: And in troth, they are generally so full of Diversion, that they would almost force a Smile from Heraclitus. Nothing more recommends them, than the natural Stupidity or Simplicity of the Natives; so that they do not appear like little Contrivances, but purely the Effects of their Notions and Mistakes of Things. The Welshmen and Scots had a long time Engrossed all the Table-Talk of the Town; and the Jests and Stories that were Related concerning them, passed instead of a Song, or a Fiddle. But Teague and his Countrymen have clearly Baffled Saint Taffy and Saint Andrew, for downright Dunstable, Blunder, and Punn; who are no more to be compared to them, than the little Sooty Lanterns in Smithfield, to the Radiant Magnifying Lights in Cheapside. The following Collection presents you with great variety of the most Novel and Facetious; which may serve as walnuts with a Glass of Wine, and be an excellent Relief against an uneasy and sullen Melancholy. The Collector has not the Vanity to persuade himself, that they will Suit every Temper; there being some so perverse, and implacable, as never to like any Man's humour but their own; and, like the Crow, think their own Offspring fairest: I fairly leave such to the Election of their own Appetites; and shall not presume to force my Sauce upon their Palates. I have no apprehension, that any Ingenious Reader can Interpret any thing herein contained, as a National or Particular Reflection; that being the most Remote imaginable, both from the Collector's Inclination and Intention: And I shall, for once, presume to Obviate any such undue Reflection, with the Motto of the Royal Garter; Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense. But if you will have it in short, The design of Publishing them is this; That whilst the Reader enjoys himself and Friend over a Glass of Wine, the Bookseller and I may have a Glass of Wine to make Merry over too. Farewell. THE PREFACE By Teague. BEE Shaint Pautrick, de Devil talk me noow, but Y caun remaumber the time, vaan me Fauder vash maukeretorne of a grate deal vary must monish, be Creesht; and that vash consharning Sheepsh, and Cowesh, and Hourshes, and Piggsh too, be Shaint Antony; and vaat is de maater, in the Dee'llish Naume, indeed, that dear is no money for mine Bullsh, indeed? And, in fait, Dear Joy, Devil talk me, bot they be of de largesht kind too, indeed; and they be aull of de right shtraine too, noow. Hear is no Leeving vidout monish, in fait, Dear Joy, and me Beef and Broat Woman, (the Devil talk de Beesh) she vill not Trosht me for Tree haulf-Pensh more, for mine Dinnar indeed. Y hauve mauke try to bind me shelf Prentish to shome boudy, to got monish; and, be Shaint Pautricks' Bonnet, dear is no boudy vill haufe me, noow. And Y did tinke to bind me shelf Prantish to shome Evidansh-mauker; and be Shaint Bridgat, that be aull oout of de Faushion, and every Boudy musht be Hounesht, be Creesht, and dear is no Plaushes to be got noow. And I vash jusht a-goeing to coume and manke hang upon mee-shelfe indeed, and to put the maater oout of aul doubt; warrant dear vash none Leeving for Teague any longer. And vash not dish a veery shed caush indeed? Vaan Y vash in dish Condishion, and vash jusht mank tinking upon haunging, be Creesht; dear comesh a Maun, and lookesh upon me Faush in fait; What is the matter honest Lad (says he?) Bee Creesht, and daat be veery goodt newsh, to call me honesht, Y tinke; and Y tall him, the maater vash veery bawd indeed, vor y vash in mishurable poor Condishions indeed. Dan he shay to me, daat Y musht be for putting me shelf upon good Cheer; daat he had friendsh vowed halpe me to shome money, indeed. Be me Shalvashion, Dear Joy, Y vash for mankind veery much Joy upon me shelf noow; and Y deed shay to hem, indeed; Be de Maush, Dear Joy, dee beesht de shivillest Parshon in aul de World, in fait; and the Devil talk me indeed, bot dee hasht mauke much rejoyshing upon me noow, too; And Y vood praay dee to do me the favour, to show me the kindnesh, to tall me uhatdish Friend of dine is, daat vill halp me to shommony indeed; and Y shall be boond to mauke me shelf, and aull the Poshterity of poor Teague, over to him, and hish Haresh, be Laater of Attorney, in fait noow. Well then, (he deed shay to me) If thou canst furnish me with some good Currant Bulls, thou shalt have ready money for them. Noow, the Devil talk dee, Dear Joy, (Y did shay to him) dou hasht mauke me deed again, be me Shoul; for the Armish did mauke Plundar upon mine Fader, and did talk avay aull hish Bullsh, Cowesh, and Horshes too, be Creesht, before that Y vash born indeed; Andnoow, if dat be and, Y vill onsh moure talk haunging into me Conshideration, indeed; and sho fare dee veell, Dear Joy. But stay, (he did shay to me again) I do not mean Horn'd-Beasts, my Friend; we Citizens have enough of that sort of Cattle; I say, I mean a sort of Comical Joques, called Bulls, That are a Preposterouskind of speaking; when you return my meaning as by mistake: In short, I do not mean the Bull For the Mouth; but the bull Of the Mouth; and such as these, and any other pleasant Stories for Diversion, are the Market I would be at. Enoow! Enoow! Dear Joy, (Y did shay) Y do undershtand dee, indeed; it is shome Shtories consharning me shalfe, and Bryan, and half a Doshen more of ush: Be me Shoul, Y can tall dee abondansh indeed. And if dee vilt be sho shivil, to mauke paymensh of shom monish, Y vill tall d'ye sho many ash a uhole Drove at dish time, indeed: And ven ye do meet again, ye vill hauve the toddar bout, he me Broguesh, in fait noow. Bogg Witticismes. NEcessity hath been often the Mother of Ingenuity, and it will appear a very great Truth, if the following Story be Considered. For Dennis had a long time been waiting, and mauking Petishion for a Plaush, until Fob grew so low that it could not produce three halfpences a day for the Ireish Ordinary: So that as he was taking the matter into serious consideration, and End of Gold and Silver Woman passed by with her usual Cry, Any old Satin, or Taffeta, or Velvet, and old Lace take money for it. No Y prithee dear Joy (quoth Dennis to the Woman) what is the prishe dat thee vilt geef for good Lace? Y have so much at me Lodging as cost about three poundsh, and Y will go and fesh it for thee preshantly, if thee vilt give me shom money for it? The woman replied, that she never gave above 5 s. an ounce for the best, when it was well burnt, and cleaned: Dan Y would besheech thee to call at me Lodgingsh an hour after thish time, and be Creesht Y will burn me Lansh for thee now, and thee shalt have it indeed; pray where is your Lodging? said the woman, why me Lodgingish at the bird and Baby he Sharing-Cross indeed, and Devil talk me if thee vilt call thee shalt have me besht laush, and it is very good indeed. The woman went her way, and Dennis repairs to his Lodging, taking his best Lace Crevat, and Ruffles, and set them on fire, preserving the ashes carefully, and making them up in a piece of paper. The woman came at the time, and Dennis brought her down the paper of Ashes: what is this (says the woman) that you have brought me? By me Shoul what dost dee tinke it is? why is is all my besht Lauce, and Y have burnt it very care fully for thee indeed, and no Y would have the take notish what is de wait of it, and give me the money for it. Dost think me mad (replied the woman) to give Money for a few ashes; I tell thee, I do not use to deal in such ware. Now the Deevil talk me (said Dennis) it is me besht Lauce Crevat● and Cuffs, and Y had them of me Captain the other day, and no Y have burnt them for d● vilt geeve me noting for it. Deevil talk the for a Bish, you Son of a Wore, Y will mak● Swore upon thee before the Justice for putting a great cheat upon me, bash Slut indeed. Where is the money for the Lash now, ha'? Prithee get home, you bog-trotting Owl (quoth the woman) burn thy Mantle and Brogues, it may be that may yield thee shom money to buy a Plaush; you simple Scoundrel thou. Be Creesht (quoth Dennis) thee be'st come to put abuse upon me, Deevil talk me for a Son of a Whore, but Y will make revenge upon thee for me besht Laushe now, yesh indeed. The Scuffle continued a long time before Dennis could be convinced of his Error; until at length all that heard it laughed hearty at his Ignorance, which made him go out of the House in great Indignation. 2. A Bird in hand is worth two in a Bush they say, and Own made some proof of it; For his Lady gave him a Canary Bird to present from her to a Lady of her acquaintance, now Owen had seen the boys house their Sparrows under their Hats, and (being taken with the humour) puts the Canary Bird up under his; but in the way as he ways going with his present, a Coach passed by, behind which was a Countryman of owen's, who put off his Hat to Owen, and our dear Joy answered his Compliment with much respect, not minding the Canary Bird in the Garret; at length he came to the Lady's house, and asked the Porter if his Lady were within, who answered him, Yes. Why then (quoth Owen) Y prithee tell her that Y am belonging to such a Lady, and be me Shoul Y have brought her a preshent from my Lady: Whereupon, Owen being called in, delivers himself after this manner, Me Laudy presents her Sharvish to thee, and has shent thee (at that he began to feel on his crown, to look in his hart, and to brush the locks of his wigg, looking every way about him:) What hath she sent? (quoth the Lady,) Be Creesht it wash a little Shining Bird, and the Deevil talk me Joy it is come to nothing at all now. 3. Dear Joy paying great Devotion before a certain old Image at a Church in France; It happened that the rotten Figure fell upon him, and bruised him very much, so that he was forced to keep within doors for a considerable time, and then coming again to the same Church, he saw a very fine new Image set up in the same place: to which he addressed himself after this sort; Be me Shoul dear Joy, Deevil talk me if the dost not look as pleashant as mine own Sweetheart, and Y can scarce forbear to mauke Prayer to thee, but thy Father leapt down upon me and wash like to break my Neck; and by Creesht Y have no mind to trust thee for all thy fine looks. 4. When Tangier was in the possession of his Majesty of Great Britain, a certain Irish man was Servant to a Major there; the Major happened to die in his Servants debt for Wages, and about three years after his Master's death, the Irish man delivered a Petition to the Governor to this effect. The Petition. May it Pleashe thy Graushes Neckshellence, THere is happen to be great Falling-out between me Mashter Major White, and me Shelf, consharning shom monish that is owing unto me from himself, and be Creesht, dear Joy, Y vill tall thee it is for Wages; nov the Devil talk me but Y will make Petition upon thee, that thee wouldst be pleased to do me the favour to do me the kindnesh, to talk order wid him that he may pay me the money; and be me Shalwashion Y will tell thee, Y will buy Comishion of thee for a Captain or a Collonelsh plaush indeed. So Y advish thee to talk shpeashial caure that I may hauve what is due to me, for the Deevil talk thee if Y can tell what to do for want of it indeed. And if thee own dear shelf cannot talk order for me, Y will pray thee to make petishion fexe me upon his Majeshties Grauce into England, that Y may not have Cheat put upon me, for what is my own indeed. Sho Y resht, Dear Joy, thy Graushes humble Sharvant M.D. The Governor having considered the Contents of the Petition, began to Inquire what this Major White was, and being informed that the Gentleman had been dead for three years, he could not forbear smiling at the downright Ignorance of the Petitioner, and ordered him to be called in, when he spoke to him to this purpose: Friend, I have read thy Paper here, and I find thee wouldst have me order one Major White to pay thee money; where is this Major White? D. Why, if thee wilt come along wid me Y will show thee whare he is put under a Shtone indeed. Gou. What! is he dead then? D. Yesh be Creesht is he. Gou. How long? D. It is! let me she, it is about tree Yearsh, dear Joy. Gou. This is very pretty, and thou wouldst have me sue him in the Grave for thee, I warrant thee? ha'! D. Yesh, yesh, Devil talk me Y would indeed. Gou. It is not like that such a Gentlemen died in debt to his Servants, but the Dead pay no Debts. D. Be me Shoul that is very pretty, dear Joy! than it is nothing but to die and put the Cheat upon every body for what is due to them! be the Mash thish is the greatest Cheat in the whole world now! Y will die too be Creesht, and put the great Cheat upon every body too indeed. The Governor was ready to burst with the Comedy, and ordered his Servants to make the Irishman drink, and so dismissed him. 5. A certain Colonel having lost one of his Hands in his Majesty's Service, and an Artificial Hand of Steel put on, and it was done with that Curiosity, that he could hold his Fork in it or take up a cup of Beer, or command his Horse with it, but still it appeared to be Steel, and was very finely polished. It happened a Dear Joy was waiting upon his Master at Table, who dined with the Colonel; he took great notice of the Steel Hand, at length (quoth he to the Colonels Servant) Y prithee tell me, wash dy Mashter born wid dat Hand? be Creesht it is very strange an Iron Hand should grow so big, is it not? the Servant told the Irish-mans' question to the Table, who laughed hearty at it. 6. Naturam Expellas Fune licet usque Recurret. Once a Tailor and always a Thief, was an Adage founded upon good Experience; or if that will not Convince you of the unalterableness of men's natural Dispositions, perhaps the ensuing Story may. It is said a certain Mac-lander had listed himself in the Spanish Army in Flanders, but (not well approving of that Service) had deserted his Colours, and was thereupon apprehended, and tied up to Destiny upon a Gibbet not far from Bruges; A Countryman passing by with his Cart in little time after the body had been trussed up, and considering him to be a proper Fellow; (having likewise felt, and found his body very warm, and that his breath had not quite deserted it) began to entertain some thoughts of taking him down, and endeavouring to restore him again to the number of the Living; accordingly, when he had driven the Cart under the Tree, and received the body in it, he cut the Hemp, and drove him home, where there was immediate care taken, by bleeding, fomenting, and other requisite means for his recovery, so that in few hours he was as if he had never been suspended: He had a remembrance that he had been dragged to the place of Execution, but not the least apprehension of what had been done to him afterwards. The honest Countryman told him the condition he had found him in, and the Cure, and means that had been taken for his recovery, Mac. seemed very penitent, and resolved upon a new Course of Life; Complaining much upon de Shaints upon _____ says he) be Creesht Y have mauke abundansh of Shuplicausion, aund Y have been shivil to dem indeed, Aund eet upon aall daat neever one of dem wash sho kind to come shaare me, or to taake de Shtring from me Neck indeed: Noow the plaague devil dem, for Y am shatishfied de beesht honeshter man dan they be, Y have mauke much sharvish, and kindnesh upon dem, aund they wash not come to shave me, aund Y vill not come to dem again indeed; but Y vill be vid dee, aund vill mauke all me Sharvish upon dee, in fait, and let dem aall be sharved ash they voued let me be sharved, indeed. The Country man hoped that he had gained a stout Servant, and was very well satisfied in what he had done. But there are a sort of Horses, bred in a certain Country, that all the art and care of the most Exquisite Jockey can never reclaim or break from their Jades tricks, they will still retain their unlucky Qualities, and it is not improbable that many of the Natives of that Land are of the same disposition with their beasts (that is to say) they are not Reclaimable. For this very Mac. we are now speaking of, no sooner was entrusted by the honest Flanderkin, to assist him in the business of his Husbandry; no sooner was he Warm, but (like the Snake) his Poison returned to him: his Mac. qualities regained upon him, he made a shift to rob the honest Country man of what he could pillage, and rid away with one of his best Horses to the bargain, and this within three days after the good man had saved his Life: the Flanderkin and his Son soon perceiving something amiss, pursued the ungrateful wretch, and in a League or two of the Village found him wallowing in Brandy, (a Bastard sort of Vsquebah) He was immediately bound, and Manackled, carried to his Master's house, and there once more put into the Cart, and conveyed to the place from whence he had been reprieved from Execution, when he came underneath the Fertile Tree, and had the second time taken the form of hanging into his consideration, there was a great ho boob raised within him, by reason of something of regret he had to make his Exit on that fashion: But for greater decorum of Conclusion (for want of a Ghostly Father) he made his Confession to his Executioners in manner and form following (that is to shay) It is a plaguy Caush indeed (me Dear Joy) that dee vilt tie me up to dish deevillish Unwholesome plaush again be Chreesht; Noow the deevil talk me, aund be Shaint Pautricksh Shoo-bookle! it is very haard indeed! Me Fadder wash a Cut-Troat be de Mash, in fait; and he had great Liberty of Conshianshes, to do every Ting: aund be Creesht! ho! ho! ho! woe! woe! it is bloody haard indeed! Noow to maake two Murdar upon me body indeed, Fursht the King of Shpainsh Laawesh, for desharting me Coloursh, indeed! and now (dear Joy) be Chreesht dee vilt hang me too, for shom Pishtolsh, and a plaguy drooukan Gelding of a Maure, (be Chreesht) that shtop at the next Braandy Shop, aund noow the deevil talk de Maure too indeed, daat she could not run avay furdar vid me, aund be de Mash I musht be haunged twish noow for the Jaud'sh treeksh of dish plaguy Maure indeed! ho! ho! woe! boo! boo! Noow de deevil talk d'ye too noow, aund vaat musht Y be haunged twisbe for noow? hear is die Maure again indeed, aund hear is the Pishtolsh, aal but Shix upon me fait noow! Aund Y predee, dear Joy, lat ush be friendsh agaain, indeed! aund Y vill Swore me shelf to the Devil for d'ye indeed: Hark ye, hark ye, (dear Joy) quoth the Spaniard, I do you no wrong, I found you hear in a Stinking pickle, I carried you home, and dried ye, and made ye Clean; in fine, I saved ye once from the Gallows, and ye have served me accordingly, and now let the next Man that has a mind to be Cheated, take thee down again, for I will e'●● leave thee as I found thee, and so Farewell and be hanged, that's twice God bye. Having so said, they left there the dangling Objet to scare the Passengers, who were in great surprise to see the same Man that was hanged for three days before, and they thought buried the same Night, come again and hang upon the same Gibbet, and that now he had got Boots on, whereas before he had none, (for you must know the Farmer, and his Son were in such haste to be rid of him, that they e'en tied him up in the same garb that they found him,) this (as I was saying) mightily surprised them, and they thought the Devil had sent him Post back again. 7. A Gentleman's Footman in the Country took an occasion to Gallant the Kitchen Maid (between whom, and himself, there had passed many an amorous Intrigue) and leading her into the Orchard in a Summer Evening they happened to sit down under a Pipping Three, to entertain themselves with a little private Converse; It was about the business of Comfortable Importance; Be Shaint Pautricks' Shoo-horne (quoth Donell) Y have very much great deal of Love for dee, Y vill put shom kish upon d'ye faush, aund maake shom Child upon dee body indeed! and so Donnel put what he had said in execution: Now it happened that upon that very Tree was a Spark, who had come thither to borrow some of the Fruit, and upon their approach to that place, kept himself very close, but so that he saw and heard all that passed. When the Exercise was over (said the Miss to the Lover) O! Donnel, you and I have often had these enjoyments; but if I should prove with Child, what care would there be taken of me, or the Infant? Noow de Deevil talk me (replied he) be the Mash it is unshivil for dye to put such question upon me indeed; pradee at me shom more kish upon the faush in fait, and dear is one above vill talk caure for the Child and dee too be Creesht. That's a damned lie (quoth the Fellow in the Tree) for I never intent to take care for any Bastards, but of my own getting. Upon which words they both ran away in great confusion; Donnel crying out, Be me shalwashion the deevil hash been vitness to vat ye have done indeed; aund if dee beesht mauke vid Child, he himself shall be the Godfader in fait. 8. Bryan having hurted one of his Legs, that it was much swollen, and his Master having occasion to send him a considerable Journey into the Country; Bryan went to the Shoemaker, directing him to make one of his Boots pretty much bigger than the other. When the Boots were brought home, and to be put on, Bryan fell into a great fumigation with the Shoemaker, Swaring at him, Be the shoul of mine Fader aund me Graundfader, let a toushand deevilsh pull me to peeshes, if dou beesht not de greatesht Fool that ever wash borne upon a woman; vaat de deevil cansh dee not undarshtand vaat is sho plain shaid to d'ye, Y did bad dee mauke one of me Botosh bggar dan de toddar, aund be Chreesht de shimpleton have mauke one Leshar dan de toddar: prithee dear Joy! dye maisht talk dem home vid die none shelf again indeed, day vill not be upon sharvish for me be Creesht noow. La. 9 Mao Clan, and his Man being travelling together upon the Road, and one of his Horses was lamed by a prick of a Nail, the other had received a strain in one Shoulder: Be Shaint Pantricks Tobacco-stopper, and Shaint Brigatsh Thimble, noow the deevil reed avaay upon me in fait, but one of deshe Horshes is boat doownreeght laam, in fait! yeet be me Mashbooke, de blaake Maure be a shtoutar Horse dan de vite Naag indeed, Deevil take me if Y have not maake ride upon me laame Beetch indeed, that mine Arsh is sho shore ash the baak of mine hand, in fait; plaague deevil de daumn Beech for me, she vill never leave mauke shtumble aund fault, before she trow me from de Shadle down Shtairesh, and brauk me Neck, be Creesht. But Dennish (quoth he to his Man) Y vill mauke shpeak upon d'ye a little indeed, upon a wheesh foot is me Maure laume indeed? Noow de plaugue taake d'ye in fait, dost not dee knaw? be Creesht it is the hander footsh before, creplayed Dennish to his Master.) Aund be me Shawl vaat is de maatre daat dy Naag be sho upreeht laume, Y prithee? Noow de deevil taake d'ye indeed, dear Joy! (replied Dennis to his Master again) dost dye not she vid dine Eyshe indeed? whee dan Y vill tall the noow, it is the Rumpe-boan of the reeght Sholdar upon the needar side that is put oout of hish plaush, Joy, aund be Shaint Antonce, the deevil talk me but Y am sho laume daat Y cannot sheet upon the baak of de deevil any longer in fait, noow! They jogged on upon their crippled Jades for a long time, sometimes cursing themselves, sometimes their Horses, sometimes their Saints, or any thing they thought on; till at length they stumbled upon a Farrier's Shop, in a small Country Village upon the Road; they got up to him, Ashke hish audvishe about their Rosinante's; Vulcan told them, one must have his foot drawn, and the other be rolled on the Shoulder, and that they must have many days rest, before he could warrant a Cure upon them. Deevil rashed dare Sholesh in dare grauvesh indeed, (replied Mac Clan) voo the pocksh voued be sho plagued vid a couple of deevillish beech's, in fait ' Y veesh vid aul me Shoul, indeed! dat Y haud mauke von lushtie auble Horse for boat de beechesh, in fait, La! Say you so (quoth the Farrier, who perceived the Simplicity of the Animals,) If you will leave the Horses to my care; I doubt not but for both of them I may procure a stout Nag, against your return this way: Vid aul mine heart dear Joy, (said Mac Clan) Y will mauke put dem upon die Caure be me shoul, and Y will mauke cawl upon d'ye about tree Weeksh after yeshterday, aund Y will geeve dee shatishfaction for die kindnesh to me Horshes, indeed! aund be Creesht dear Joy, she dou mauke a Galding oout of dem too, indeed! Let me alone for that (replied the Smith) and so they parted, leaving their Cattle to his care, whilst they pursued the rest of their Journey on footback, about fifty Miles: during their absence (you must know) the Farrier had cured, and put off the two Beasts belonging to Mac Clan, and his Man Dennis, and had got Money by the bargin: And had provided an old rotten Keffill to accommodate the Spark at his return: By the way you are to understand, that Mac's Mare was black, and Dennis' Nag was white, and the Beast that Vulcan had provided was Pied, answerable to both their Colours: So that when our Spark returned, and saw the Animal that was provided for him, he concluded with himself that it had (in earnest) been Compounded of his Black Mare, and Denis' White Nag. Noow be shaint Bartelemew's Butcharing Knife (dear Joy,) (Sesse Mac Clan to the Farrier) let me shinke up to the Earesh in de necksht boog be Creesht, but dee art shartainly de man of the mosht Confounded Shiensh in de World, in fait, for dear is the shame Colloursh be Creesht, de very shame Coomplackshion ash me maure vash, and de same vite bairsh ash vas upon Dennish's Horshe; be de Mass, it is like boat one of the too; But Y vill mauke a little shpeaking upon d'ye (dear Joy) What is de reashon daat dish horshe is shoe little, aund be me should indeed, dee hasht put too Horshes into hish body? Y should mauke Expectashionsh dat de too Horshes should mauke one tall, Shtrong, and lushty Gualding, indeed? You must consider this is but a Colt yet, being not three weeks since it was made, but when it is full grown, it will be a mighty Beash indeed. D- sht dee bear daat Dennish (quoth Mac to his Man) be Creesht it is a Colt (he shay) aund it vill be a veery grate Horshe, van he be grown op to Mansh Eshtate. Be Chreesht dish be the very Larned Man in fait; Deevil talk me dear Joy, Y will mauke publicaashion of die great shkill in every plaush indeed. In fine, they came to agreement what the Farrier was to have for making up the two lame Horses, into one; Mac paid him his demands, put one of the Saddles upon Pie, and Mac got upon the outside of him, the other Saddle was girt on upon Dennis, who followed his Master on foot. They parted from the Farrier, not without great suspicion of his being a Conjurer; Dennis was once under some fear, when the Saddle was fastened to his back, Lest the Man of Art should have converted him to a Horse too. They had not travailed far before Dennis perceived his Master's Horse to be lame of all four, and upon that Occasion addressed himself to him after this sort. Noow de Deevill talk dee, dear Joy; the two Horshes daat was maake up into dish Cattle, vash laume but upon too shidesh, indeed; but in fait dish Gualding is lame upon all de forwre footsh, La: she she vat a damn fool dou art (replayed Mac) aund be Creesht did not the Larned man Shay it wash a Colt; and deevill talk me, hish footsh vill be tandar dish great vile, till hish nailesht be grow hard and strong indeed. Many more Observations were made upon their Miraculous Beast; and some say Mac was upon mauking Petishion to mauke show of his Twin-Barb at the Bell Shavage. 10 Pautrick had been in the Wars in Germany, and after his return, sitting in Company with some of his brother Brogues, he was vaunting what dangers he had gone through, what exploits he had done, and amongst the rest that he had cut off one of the Enemy's Legs, Be Creesht Pautrick (says one of them) d'ye shoudsht have dishcharged, dee Paike at him, and hauve Cutt hish heed off from hish body. Noow de Deevill talk me (replied be) daat is veery true indeed, but be de Maush dear Joy, Y caume too laute for daat indeed, for be me shalwashion hish heed vash tauken avay before indeed now. 11. One of deare-Joy-Land had a Son that served a Gentleman here, in quality of his Footman; after he had been in England for some time, his Friends (upon some Occasion) writ over for a Testimonial whether he was alive, or not, upon Consulting his Acquaintance about the matter, they advised him to get a Scrivener to draw it, and get it signed by the hands of the most Credible Country men that were known to his Relations: This being all done accordingly, he was told he might send it by Post to Chester, and after the Packet Boat would take Care of it: One night his Master sent him to the Post house with Letters; and he had some Inclination to have put in his Certificate, but fearing the Packet Boat might miscarry, he resolved to carry it himself; His Master saw him no more in six weeks, at length he appears again, and being asked what had occasioned him to absent himself so long; he made answer to this purpose. Be Creesht me Relaushionsh deed mauke shand a Leetre, daat Y musht shend dem a Shartificate daat Y wash alive; Y haad geet a skrivishner to mauke urite upon de Pauper for me, aund it vash shined be me Friendsh here indeed, but upon fear daat de Pacquat Boat should miscarry, be Creesht Y did mauke go, and carry eet me shelf indeed, daat van day she de Shartificatsh, they maight tinke it vash mien awn shelf daat vash alive indeed. 12 Teague having been Obliged to wait upon his Master to Edingbourgh, where he continued for some time, at his return to London fell in Company of some of his old Acquaintance, how dost thou like that Country Teague (says one of them) Y will tall dee be Creesht (replied he) Y vash Sheeke all de time Y vash dare indeed; And be shaint Pautrick if Y haud Leeved daure till dish time, be the Maush, de Deevill talk me indeed, but Y shou'ed hauve been deed noow for Sheaven Yearsh ago, dear Joy, upon me fait it is true indeed. 13 A certain Lord having a Nimble Bog-Trotter to his servant which use to travel with him when he road and would make as quick speed as his Horse let him ride never so hard, This Nobleman having occasion to send his servant to a Gentleman of his acquaintance who lived about a dozen Miles from him, he called his Man to him over Night, and said Teague (for so the fellow was named) I must send you to morrow very early in the morning to Mr .... pray remember, to which Teague replied au my shaul Joy I saul remember very well, In the morning Teague risen very Early and away he trots to this Gentleman's house leaving his Master (as supposed) a sleep, and being come Teague knosked at the Door, and was let in, Who presently asked for the Gentleman, he Master of the House, to which the Servant answered he was not stirring; Teague said be Chreesht I must speak with him I did come from the Lord ... my Master. The Servant went & acquainted his Master thereof, (thinking it had been some Urgent affair that Teague should come 12. miles so soon in the morning.) Whereupon his Mr. having a great respect for the Lord (and believing it business of Moment) ordered Teague to come up to his Chamber, And the Gentleman said how now Teague, what news do you bring from My Lord your Mr. that you are here to Early, to which Teague answered, be Chrest I cano tell, how does my Lord quoth the Gent. Indeed very well, said Teague, what is your Errand or business with me Teague, (quoth the Gent.) Quoth Teague be Chrest & St. Patrick I cannot tell, My Lord did call me to him over night and said I must come to thee this morning, yes indeed, & he did charge me to remember it, and be Chrest thou canst witness I have not forgot it for thou seest I am here with thee, quoth the Gent. is this all, quoth Teague au my shaul I do not know any more, and so I will go home (Dear Joy) to my Master and tell him I did remember to come to thee (quoth the Gentleman) now I think on't Teague, you must stay a little while, I have something to send to your Master, which you come for, be Chreesh (quoth Teague) I cano tell: Then the Gentleman began to think how he should be revenged of this Rogue that had thus disturbed him to no purpose, at length he Considered he had an ugly stone Mortar which he did not value, which Mortar he gave Teague and told him, he came for that Mortar, and that his Master had sent him purposely for it; The Mortar weighed about 80 l. which Teague got upon his Back, and took his leave of the Gentleman, many a face and many a Curse he did make at the Mortar, for it did hurt his back and shoulders, and almost grippled poor Teague, but he was bound to endure it with Patience, having brought it home, he had some help to get it off his back; And the rest of his Servants asked him where he had been, for his Lord missed him; To which he was Dumb and would not answer any thing for a long while, at last My Lord being at a Bouling Green near, sent to see for Teague, and to command him to come to him, who came to the Green to My Lord, said the Lord to Teague ye plaguy Rogue where have you been all this day, Teague made ugly faces and points to his back an shoulders (being sore and galled by the stone ortar) andas often as My Lord asked him where he had been, My Lord received no other answer but wretched wry faces and pointing to his Shoulders & back, till at length my Lord grew a little angry, Sirrah, said he, tell me where you have been & the meaning of your Pointings and wry Mouth, or else I will Cudgel your bones, Then Teague answered, didst thou not say I must go to Mr .... this morning, and be Chrest I have been with him, you dam'd Rogue, said My Lord, I told you over night you should go to him in the morning, but you should have come to me and taken my Errand along with you, A plague take thee, and they Errand to, I did bring they Errand upon my back be Chreest, till I did bruise my shoulders, and au my shoul I shall go no more of thy Errants, nay Teague (quoth my Lord, do not say so) what is it you brought from the Gentleman, be Chrest thou may'st see it if thou wilt go home, no Teague, said the Lord (being willing that some Gentlemen should share in the mirth that this fellow was like to make among them) go you home and fetch this Errand that has so mortified your shoulder and let me see it, Teague goes home and takes up the Mortar and brings it to his Master upon the Green, and throws it down there, at which they all laughed hearty that this fellow should be so sordid as to go to the Gentleman without his Errand, and commended the Gentleman's Ingenuity to punish the fool with such a burden. To be short, his Master and the Company having had sport enough with his sour faces, his pointings and his Errand, his Master bid him carry the Mortar home but withal to go to the Gentleman again, and fetch the Pestle to the Mortar, he having forgot it. 14. Among the Serwants of a Certain Nobleman were a Teaguelander, and a French man, and these two did sometimes jar, sometimes were mighty loving. It happened at a certain time that these two Sparks were in a hit dispute about their Country, and their Saints; And the French man did sputter much in Praise of his Country, and of St. Dennis who was Saint for France, saying that no Saint in all the World could compare to St. Dennis, po po po po po po, Jay war, what St. Dennis, says Teague, quoth the French man, St. Dennis was Saint for France, and St. Dennis was murdered at Paris, and his Head was cut off, and begar me tell you no lie, when his Head have been Cutt off, St. Dennis did catch up his Head in his hands and he did carry it two leagues after it was cut off in his hands, and there he did faint and fall down, so he was buried in that Place, and there is a Chapel built and called by the Name of St. Dennis to this day, and all the Kings of France will be Crowned there the Teaguelander did burst into laughter, and did say, be Chreest my Joy thou dost make a great Prate of thy St. Dennis, but upon my Shalvation St. Patrick was far beyond him, St. Patrick, avoth, the French man, What was St Patrick, Po po po, be Christ, says the Irish man, dost thou not know St. Patrick, no begar said the French man, me did never hear of an Irish Saint, no quoth Teague, be Chrest I shau break thy Pate for thee, what dost thou say there be no Teagueland Saint, these words caused some blows, but they were quickly parted, and the French man was judged to be in the wrong, because he gave affront to the Teague lander in Contradicting him, so he did ask the Bog Trotter pardon, and desired him to go on upon his story; Then said the Bog Trotter, St. Patrick was Saint for Ireland, and be was murdered at Dublin in Ireland, and his Flayed was Courtesan off, But the Holy Saint did take his Head up and did make to the Sea side, resolving not to stay in that Country where they had so served him, and coming to the sea side, he did fling himself into the Sea, and be did swim indeed threescore Leagues, and then he did come on shoat, and was o faint that be died, and be was buried, and the Place is called Holy Head to this day. Quoth the French man, how did he swim, upon his back, quoth the Irish man, no be Chrest he did swim upon his Belly, and did strike out his hands as I do now (he striking out his hands in imitation) where says the French man, did he carry his head then, Po po po po, Joy, why be Chrest he did carry it in his Mouth betwixt his Teeth, and indeed and upon my Shalvation it is true. 15 A certain Teague called Comines, begging of some Gentleman some Charity, one of the Gentleman said to him, Comines why dost not thou get some preferment amongst thy Countrymen, you see the King is very kind to your Countrymen and gives them Places, and makes some Officers in he Army, why doubt you put forward, and beg a Lieutenant's Place of his Majesty, or if it be but a Sergeants, it would be better than this Scandalous way of begging; To which Comines replied, That the King had made him a Justice of Peace in Teagueland; and he would not accept of any Preferment in the Army, but that some great Men did detain his Papers from him, and said he, an my shoul I canno go for Teagueland till they will give me my Papers. 16 The said Comines did frequent a certain Printers House near Charing Cross, that the People were wearied of him, and the Master said before a Gentleman's Servant that lodged in his House, I would fain be rid of this Fellow, this Comines, for I can never be quiet for him, said the Gentleman's Servant, I will shoot him for you if you will, no said the Master, I would not have him hurt, no said the Servant I will not hurt him, than said the Master do what you will to him; So Comines one day standing with his back to the Window of the back shop of the Printer, and the Printer being walking and talking with a Friend, the Gentleman's Servant happened to came down to the shop, and spying Comines at the Window, Pops out a pocket Pistol, and theer being a Pain broke, he fires the Pistol under Comines ear; It did no further hurt than caused his Peruke to stink for the present, but Comines falls down and Cries Out, a Poor Comines be Chrest, Poor Comines the King's Evidence is killed, I am Dead, I am Deaf; The Printer finding some red Ink did sprinkle some upon his Face and as he lay tumbling, sometimes with his face upward, and his Eyes shut, sometimes on his back, roaring out that he was murdered, and the King's best Evidence slain, at length having continued in this manner some time, and no Body condoling him (for it was a back Place where few People came) he began to take some Courage, and rubbing himself with his hands about his Face, he opened his Eyes, and saw his hands (as he thought) all bloody, which was only the red Ink, than he Cried out louder and Tumbled up and down saying be Chrest my heart blood is out, and upon my Shalvation have washed my hands in my heart blood! O for the Soul of St. Patrick help poor Comines whose heart blood is spilt for the King's sake, but those which were thereby, did so flout and jeer him, that at last he did get up upon his Legs, and did dog troth it away having never since been seen there, a pretty way to be rid of Impertinent Irish Beggars. A certain Teaguelander came to some of his Comrades, and did say to them, who dear Joy, do you think is dead, be Chrest (says one) I cano tell, the other answered in the same manner, why faith, dear Joy, it is our Friend Mac Daniel, and au my shoul you must come to the Funeral, quoth the Teaguelanders Comrades, when did our Friend die, quoth the Bog Trotter be did die to Morrow be Chrest, then quoth they, when will he be buried, said the other, he will be buried yesterday, yes indeed, and so God rest his shoul. 17 One of St. Patrics Countrymen belonging to a certain Lord, did Inquire in Dublin in a certain Street for the Sign of the white Dog, to which he was answered, that there was no such Sign as that, he goes a little further, War Joy, says the Teaguelander, canst thou tell me where the white Dog is, no said the Man, there is no such Sign in this Street, be Chrest, says the other, it must be in this Street; Then says the Man, there is the Talbot, but no white Dog, Po Po Po, Joy, be Chrest that is the white Deg, says the Man I tell you no, it is the Talbot, said the Teaguelander, Hold my dear Joy, you must not call it the Talbot, but the white Dog for the Lord Tyrconels' Name is Talbot, therefore you must say the white Dog. 18 A certain Lady sending her Servant for some Candles, the Fellow meeting with a Comtade of his, stood talking in the Street with him, and having the Candles tied up in a bunch he held then dangling in his hand, by and by comes a drunken Fellow along, and it happened that this drunken Fellow beat the Candles out f his hand into the Dirt the Wealker being very dirty, O said the Teaguelander, be Chrest I am undone my Lady will break my Pate and turn me away! O what shall I do my Candles are all spoilt in the Dirt; But the Candles had received no further Prejudice than being dirty, says Mac to his Country man, my dear Joy prithee tell me what I shall do to make my Candles clean and white as they were, for an my shoul I Care not go home to my Lady till. I have made 'em clean; So laying their Noddles together, it was agreed by them both to go to the next Coffee house, says Mac, Hark me dear Joy (to the Master) I faith I have had a great Misfortune, my Candles have fell in the dirt, and I dear not go home to my Lady before they be clean, prithee Joy if thou canst make 'em clean I shall thank thee, and I will spend some money in they house on my shoul I will, dear Joy; well said the Coffee man, let me see them, the Coffee man took them & put them into a Platter, and washed them with some of hot Liquor, so that the Dirt came off and some of the Tallow also, but they were clean; so the Coffee-man brought Mac the Candles; said Mac, Noow be Christ and the Devil talk me, Y shware be him that made me, thou baste done dem very well, but on me shoul dear Joy, thou musht dry them too, for they be all vet, where shall I dry them (said the Coffee man) Po po po, Joy, come hisher wit me aund Y will show d'ye, so he took the Candles and hung them in the Chimney; and he did say, Good Master Cooffeeman, predee geeve me a Pipe of Tobacco, Y vill smoak one Pipe, and be dat time they vill be dree indeed. While this Son of Teagueland was smoking, the Candles dript away all the while; so that when poor Mac's Pipe was out, he did go for his Candles, but he could find none, than said he, Be Christ de damn Rogues hauve stole me Caundles! O me Shoul Y musht not go home to me Laudy widout me Chaundles; but the Coffeeman presently showed him the Wicks of his Candles, and told him the Tallow was all melted into the fire. This is an Experiment, how to dry Candles when they are wet. 19 Another of the Sons of Teagueland having got into the Service of a worthy Gentleman, and lying with the rest of the Servants who did usually fart; Mac told his Master of it, and said to him, Dear Joy, predee mauke another Lodging, for I cano, lie vid de nasty Shervants; quoth the Master, what is the matter? quoth Mac, be Christ they de so fart and stink, that O me shoul does, mauke me very shick: (quoth the Master) how can that make you sick? Yesh indeed (quoth Mac) for be Chreest de stink of the Fart does get into me Noshe, shomtime into me Moutsh, and it goes done into me baly and does mauke me full of de Gripe of the Gut, on me shalwashion it is true, and Y talk me Snush, and be Chreest it all shmel of Fart: so his Master promised to remedy the matter for him. 20. another Son of Teagueland drinking Braudy with his Comrade, (said to the other,) Dear Joy, we musht not drink too much Braundy, it vill mauke ush sleep, and den we shall be deed, ash me Friend wash de oder day; says the other to him, How dead! I prithee how dost thou mean? the other replies, be Christ Y bad a dear Friand did drink so much Brandy he did fall a sleep, and be Chreest when he awaked be was deed, yesh indeed. 21. A certain Nobleman having a Servant of Teagueland, whom he loved very well, and would intrust him with his Plate, and made him his Butler; this Fellow continued honest a while, and having occasion to drink with one of his Country men wanted Money to entertain him abroad, having thought on several ways to get some, those did not please him; at last he took one of his Master's Dishes, which was Silver, as his Lord used nothing else) and did find out a way to cut out his Master's Coat of Arms from the Plate, and threw the rest down the Vault, because it should not be seen to accuse him of his Theft; when he had so done, he and his Friend went to the Alehouse, and having plentifully liquored themselves: The aforesaid Butler called to the people to change his money, and gave this piece to them, which was about the bigness of half a Crown; the people resnsed it, and said it was none of the King's Coin; Be me Shoul, said Mac. it is a vary guod half Croon, and Y vill go and change it; so being near his Lord's house, he went home and showed it to one of my Lords Gentlemen, and said, Dear Joy, pradee geeve me two shallings aund six pance for thish haulf Croown? the Gentleman answered, how Sirrah! this is my Lord Duke's Coat of Arms! Po, po, po, po, joy! O me Shoul dear is the King on horsheback; It is a very good haulf Croon; but the Lord Duke being acquainted of the passage, examined Mac where he had ht; be me Shoul, said his Servant, Thou didsht put haulf Croons upon die Plate, and Y had occashion for to mauke use of one with me Countryman, and Y did talk it from die Plate: The Lord said, you Rogue, where is the rest of the Plate; Po po, Joy, be Christ dear is no more baulf Croons upon it, it is good for noting, O me shoul Y did fling the resht in the house of Office; O Villain! said the Nobleman, do you use these rogueries, I thought you very honest; O me shoul, dear Joy, be not aungry, says the Teaguelander, here is die half Croon, and Y vill fetch dee de resht of die Plate if dou cansht mauke more baulf Croons upon it. 22. A certain Nobleman having one of these Macks to his Servant sent him to his Drugster for some Sarsaparilla (for his Lord did boil it with some other Ingredients, and drink it and as some drink Tea.) The Servant went to the Drugster's; and said my Master must have some saucy Fellow from this Shop; the Master of the Shop examined his Men, who of them had affronted my Lord, that he should send in this manner? but his Servants denied that they ever gave occasion to my Lord to be angry. Whereupon the master going along with the Lords Servant to beg parpon or excuse, if any thing had disliked his Lordship; and as soon as his Man returned, the Lord asked him for the Sarsaparilla? the Servant replied, here is the Master of the Shop, Y have brought him wid me; You Rogue (quoth the Gentleman) I bid you bring some Sarsaparilla; be Christ (says the Servant) dear is no saucy Fellow dear: At which both Lord and the Drugster laughed hearty at the Ignorance of the Fellow; the Master returned home and sent the Sarsaparilla by his Man. 23. Another Virtuoso of Teagueland, being invited to a Venison Pastry, after he had fed very well, and satisfied himself; he came among his Friends and Countrymen in the Evening, and as they were drinking, one begun to talk what a rare Dinner he had this day, and another told his Entertainment. At last the Virtuoso that had dined with the Pastry, said, Be Christ Y did dine with a Venison Pastry, it is true, but O my shoul! when it was first cut up, dear did come such an Echo from it, was ready to strike me down; some Moderns call it a Hogo. 24. Two certain Teaguelanders consulted together how they might raise their Fortunes, and to get Money, one of them had observed some body burning of Gold and Silver Lace, and did intent to make a trial of them upon Guilded Leather, so he imparted this to his Comrade; Dear Joy, says he, you must assist me; dear is in such a plauce, a room with Gild Leather, we vill cut away the Gild Leather and burn it, and in faith we vill be marry with de Money we mauke of it: They both put their resolution in practice, and did spoil a whole Room of that Furniture, and went away with it to have it burned: so they used an Alehouse near their Master's house, where they called for a Faggot and burned it, and did put the Gild Leather in the fire; having drunk a Pot or two, by that time the Fire and Leather was consumed, so they got a Broom and swept up Ashes and all together, and then searched for the Gold that should come from the Leather; at last both of them being impatient, having raked a pretty while, and could find nothing; the one said to the other, be Chreest Y cano find de Gold, thou hast stole the Gold: Says the other, O me shoul! dou art a lying Rogue, dou hasht robbed me of me part and shtole it away: At these words they were hot at it, that at last with the Noise and fury of these Teaguelanders, the Master came to part them, and inquire into the matter, and found they had been burning of Guilded Leather to get the Gold from it, so he discovered from whence they stole it, and the poor Teaguelanders had the gentle Lash for it. 25 A certain Teaguelander being upon his Journey, in his way chanced to light upon a small Pig, says he to the Pig, little Pig, will you come and stay with me a Month, the Pig did say, a week, a week, a week, a week, four times, then be Chrest, says Mac, that is a Month, for four Weeks mauke a month, but poor Teague was taken for stealing the Pig, and carried before a justice, and Mac did say, Mr. Justice, o my shalvation! the Pig did promise to live with me a Month, but if the Man will have him sooner, here is the Pig for him. 26 Another of the same Country, happened to the service of a very honest Gentleman, who was much pleased with his Servants tallk, but his Master one time sent him to receive forty pounds, and to bring it to him to such a place, if he should not be at home; Now Mac had been very just and faithful in several Services his Master had employed him in many times before, and his Master did not doubt him in this affair; however Mac goes according to his Master's order and receives the forty pounds, poor Mac never saw the like before, and having the money, resolved to run away with it to his own Country; But withal, he went home first to take some of his linen and other things with him which he was not willing to leave behind, little thinking to meet his Master there, when poor Mac came in to the house, the first he met with was his Master, says his Master, how now Mac, hast thou received the Money I sent thee for? At which being surprised, Mac could not presently answer, says his Master, why doubt you tell me Sirrah whether you have received the money? Quoth Mac, the Devil talk thee and thy money too, quoth the Master, why so angry Mac? quoth Mac, A Plague talk dee aund they money too, Y say, and there is they money, and the Devil talk it; prithee why so angry? says the Master, says Mac. be Christ when Y had received they money the Decvill did tempt me to run away with it, yesh indeed, but my Conscience came behind me and fetched me back again, and so the Devil tank thee and thy money to; Why Mac, where would you have run with it? quoth Mac, O my shoul! into mine own Country, in Mackland, then quoth the Master, I should have fallowed you thither and put you in Prison, Po po po po, Joy, be Christ if thou hadst come there thou shouldst have been my Man there. 27. One Barnewell of Dunbrough in Teagueland, being a young Man, and his Father having a very handsome Maid Servant in his House, the Son had a great mind to lie with her, and upon a certain time when he went to the Priest to Confession, amongst the rest of his Sins, did Confess to his Father Friar that he longed to lie with the Maid, but he never did attempt it; The Priest told him it was a great Sin nevertheless, for said the Priest, thou hast committed fornication in they heart, because thou didst lust after her, and therefore thou must do Penance for this, for it is an Abomination; so the Priest enjoined young Barnewell to go 30 miles to a certain Church, and there to Pray, and that he must go and come back barefoot to Expiate his Crime: To which poor Barnewell was forced to do because he would not disoblige his own Father, but he was so galled and lamed, and his feet so soar in the persormance thereof, that he vowed revenge upon the Priest; And it fell out, that upon a certain day a little after his Penance, as Barnwell was looking about and Ploughing some Ground which his Father had gave him, he spied the Priest Mare looking into an Oat field of his, but could not get to it, so Barnewell called his Man, and said to him, dost thou not seerthe Priest Mare yonder looking into my Field of Oats, be Christ the Maure does lust after my Oats, and Y will mauke the Maure do Penance for it; So Barnewell and his Man caught the Priest's Mare, and opened an old stinking Pidgeon-house door, and put the Mare in; The Priest the next day, having occasion for his Mare, could not find her, and sent all about to inquire after his Mare, but could hear no tidings; this continued about 5 days, the Priest then meeting with a Smith who as a Neighbour to Barnwell, asked him concerning his Mare; the Smith told him, he did belive Barnewell had played a strike with the Mare, because he vowed (said the Smith) to be revenged upon you for making him do Penance; Quoth the Priest, I have searched all about Barnewells' House and Ground, but I cannot find her, quoth the Smith to the Priest, Father, have you searched the Pidgeon-house? no be me shoul, said the Priest; then the Smith and the Priest searched the Pidgeon-house and there found the Mare almost starved and Chop-fall'n; The Priest complained to Barnewells' Father of his roguery, at which the old Man began to reprove his Son, and said, thou great Rogue, why dost thou do such things to the Holy man; his Son answered him, on my shoul Father, he did mauke me do Penance because Y did Confess to him I had a mind to lie with thy Maid, and he did tell me I did lust after her, though I did not lie with her, and by Christ did mauke me go 30 miles harefoot, and my feet are soar to this day, and his Mare did lust after my Oats, tho' he did not eat any, therefore I thought the Mare should do Penance because be did look and lust aftn emy Corn? 28. A great debate happened between a French Footman, and an Irish Footman, which of their Countries was most Fertile; Quoth the Monsieur to the other, we have such rich Grass in Britain, dat begar it vill grow over de Horse Legs in won Night, begar: And be Shaint Holly-Head (replied the other) ye have such fruitful Groundsh in Yrelandt, daat if dee mauke put in dy Horshe into the Field at Neet, de caunst not mauke find dy Horshe in de Morning, in fait. 29. Will (who was Footman to Sr. Henry—) meeting with Mac, who was in the same quality with Esq; F.— Sesse Will, how the pox didst thou come by that broken Face Mac? hast thou been in the Wars? or hath some Female scratched thee? No be Shaint Antony (replied Mac,) Y vill tall d'ye indeed, I did go and mauke dehauch wid shum of me Countryman's; aund when Y did she Y vash sho drunk daat Y could not go nor shtand, Y did run home ash fasht as Y could drive indeed, and be de Mash Y did fault ashleep in de Shtreet by de vay, aund did mauke great Break upon me Faush wid de fall, and de Vaatchmans' did talk me up, and caury me home indeed. What in the Devil's name is all this (says Will?) thou couldst not go nor stand, and yet didst run home, and yet fell dead drunk in the way, and were carried home! why faith Mac, this is very astonishing. 30. A Dear Joy that had waited on a Gentleman into Holland, told some of his Comrades, that the P. of O. lived at a very great and splendid rate, for that, Y hauve seen (quoth he) be Christ, tree or four shecond Courshes carried up to hish Tauble at vone Dinner, in fait, noow, la. 31. Bryan having been sent in an Errand to a Gentleman's house in the Country, fell deeply in Love with a Welsh Maid, who belonged to the Kitchen there, sometime after he met a Footman belonging to the same Gentleman; Bryan desired him to talk a pot of drenk vid him, for a a quarter of an hour, vile he did mauke request to shom Skrivishner to urite a Letter for him to Ursula; which being done, be me shoul Y did pray him to shend it upon Ursula by do Vaaterman indeed. The Letter. Sweet Mrs. Ursula, BE the ham of me Moddarsh Smock, aund be aul de Vsquebah daat vash drunk at mine Fadersh Wedding; the Deevil talk me indeed, but Y be sho much in loaf vid dee, daat Y cannot go to Bed aul the long Night for sleeping upon dee; aund Y cannot be upon vaaking, but the Deevil talk me, Y do fall upon dreaming consharning thy sweet shelf indeed, daan do Y tink, vaat is the master? vaat is the maatre vid mine awn shelf? Aund Y do fiend it is aal for much Love consharning dee, in fait: Be me shalwashion Y vill tall d'ye vaat Y vill do indeed; Y vill put kish upon die faush indeed, and Y vill be for mauking Child upon die Body indeed, aund Y will mauke a great del more consharning dee, dan dine own Moddar in fait. Noow de Deevil talk the fashion, daat van two young Cople of Man and Woman be for coming togadder vid on anodder, daat dare musht be mauking upon the great Sherimony of the Presht, aund aul de People to mauke Witnesh upon it: Be me Shoul Y vill not manke staying sho long; but Y vill be dine husband vidout aal daat now, aund be Shaint Pautrick, Ye vill love d'ye like auny thing indeed. Y vill shend to Tredagh for mine Moddarsh tree Goats, four Sheep, one Filly Mare, and the tawny Coow, and ye will be for mauking a Daury in Lincolns-Inn-Felds be Chreest, aund ye will mauke Butter and Cheese, aund Eggs, and shell our shelves into Plauce and Conferrmant every day indeed. And we vill shing Curds and Crame be Christ, and Butter and Eggs, Bony-Clabber, and Tiff, untel de Coow shall have Caufe, de Maure shall have Colt, the Goats shall have Kidd, aund Ursulah shall hauve Child indeed; Aund dan ye vill shut up Housh-kepin and be for livein aul togadder, be Christ, as it is the fashion in mine awn Country, in fait. Noow de Deevil talk me, dear Joy, dou shaut be for sending Answer to vaat Y hauve scent dee by de Skrivishnar; aund if dee vilt meet me to morrow morning at four of the Clock in de aufter noons, aut de Hole in de Vaal, ye vill go to Bed aund be Mawrryed presently indeed, viddout de Charge of the Wedding, aund the Priests feeze be Christ, aund ye vill put de grate Chete upon our Parantsh, aund be me Shoul ye vill be Mawrried, dear Joy; aund none body shaul be vysher for it indeed; Aund being at such dishtansh daat Y cannot come to put Kish upon die sweet faush, Y vill put a hondrad Kishes upon dish Pauper, and shend me Sharvish, aund me Affuction to dye indeed, and me shalwashion Y vill alwash be Dine own Dear Joy, BRYAN. Y have geeven de Vaaterman Shixpensh to breng it to dee, to shave de charge of the Penny-Posht in fait. 32. The Waterman was punctual, and put the Letter in Vsulah's own hand the same evening, telling her he had it from her sweet heart, at which she smiled like a furmity Kettle: when the Waterman was gone, she shows her Letter to the Butler to read it for her her (but you must know) under an Obligation of secrecy; he may a shift to unriddle the mark at the bottom, but for the rest, it was as unintelligible to him as the Original Welsh, or the unbaptized Characters of Arabia: therefore they concluded it to be some very learned Language, and it was agreed to desire the Chaplain to read it; Sir John was almost graveled at the first sight, but after some consideration he made shift to Expound it, and to enlarge upon the Point: Telling the Audience (who were composed of the Valet de Chamber, the Butler, my Lady's woman (who ought to have been named first) two Footmen, the Coachman, and three or four Servants of the Kitchen;) That, though the Letter in itself parcularly considered, with respect to the Hand Maid therein mentioned, and to whom it did immediately relate, Savoured of nothing but a profound Love and sincere Affection. (Looking meltigly, upon my Lady's Woman, and fetching a sight;) Yet some passages therein contained, looked as black as the powder Plott; and carried a deep Conspiracy in them, and that against the whole Body of the National Clergy; which will prove worse Madam (speaking to my Lady's Woman) than a Telleration; & it is plain that the Atheistical part of men entertain these Varlets in perfect spleen to the Ministry. Wha to be rob of their Comfertable Importance Fees? (Alas! Sr. says my Lady's Woman looking languishing upon the Chaplain) I say to be deptived of the sweet and standing Revenue, Entailed upon our Function, as long as People shall think fit to Copulate according to Modern Instituction: It is a I say it is a down right, Diametrical Contradiction to our Establishment; which I will prove in nineteen, or twenty Particulars humh! humh! Just as he was going to hold forth, the Gentleman of the House came home, and (crossing the Room where this grave Assembly were) hay damn (says he) what's here, a Conventicle? No ant please you Sr. (replied my Lady's Woman) here is ant please you Sr. such a discovery of a design upon Ministry, by a Letter from an Irishman to one of the Kitchen Maids, that if it be not prevented (ant please you) the function will fall to the ground. Well said Betty! (quoth the Gentleman) standing up for the Clergy, or thou wilt lose they Copy hold. The Gentleman got into the Parlour to his Lady, called for the Chaplain, and the Letter, which being read, he could hardly contain to hear the Comedy out; but that which mot pleased him was the Parson's Exposition, and Notes thereon. Betty (allthe while) stood by my Lady's Chair, touching, and whispering my Lady at every clause; Well Madam, this is a dangerous design against the Clergy, The Gentleman (being loath to lose the further diversion that might be Improved upon so Comical a Plot) bid the Chaplain provide to go with him to the City to morrow, and to have the Letter with him, and he would take care to see the Irish man taken to account for his design upon th' eClergy, Sr. John was somewhat pacified with this; and in token thereof, tipped a wink upon Mrs. Betty. The next day the Gentleman met his Friend (the Master of (the Master of Bryand in London, and (at the Coffee-house) old him all the story of his man's Letter, the Chaplains Notes thereon, and the sport it had been to himself, and his Lady, and that the Parson and Letter were both in Town: His Friend replied; he was much pleased at the Conceit of it; and that he would have him and the Chaplain dine at his house; The Gentleman accordingly sent for his Chaplain, and they meet at his Friends at dinner. The love Letter was produced, and Bryan called coram Nobis; The Chaplain read the Indictment, by Explaining the Letter; And Bryan was examined upon the premises. Be Chest (dear Joy) says he tome his Master; Now the Deevill talk if dish Priesht be not the deevillish shone of a hour mauke all dish Treashon upon me dan; vaat plotsh is it for me to tall the Maid ye will be married, ha'! be shaint Pautrick it is such a damn Ting waare deshe Parshons do come into he House, dare is be not quiett in fait. Daare is something beshides daat maake me put Conshiderashion upon d'ye indeed, aund daat is in fait to mauke hanging upon me indeed, aund daan de vilt mauke Marriage upon mine sweet hart, mine Ursulah indeed; Aund Y will mauke shware upon dee, daat dee vash shteal mine Letter oout of of mine shoeet hartsh pocketsh; And dee vilt marry mine Urshulah, aund put me upon mauke kill upon me shelf for Love indeed: Who! who! who! poo! Be shaint Pautrick Y will mauke petishion for die plaush noow, aund maake dee be put oout of dy Chaplainsh Comishion, aund dan Y will mauke ride avay vid all de Veemen mine awne shelf be Creesht, aund dee shalt hang die shelf before Urshula vill Love dee. Some Strangers coming in to mauke a visit, put a period to the rest of the Comedy. 33. It was in Flanders that a certain Boglander, who was of the Army there; happened to be very much smitten with the Daughter of an Inhabitant at Brussels: The young Gentlewoman was a zealous frequenter of Matins, and Vespers; where he had often opportunity to seeher, and Consequently to be the more Captivated, but it was impossible for him to get admittance to her to make known the violence of his passion, because of the vast distance their difference Fortunes had put between them. He therefore made frequent Orisons, and was almost perpetually rattling over his Beads, thumping his Breast, and using all the Demonstrations of a very fervent Devotion, in so much that a certain Boy that belonged to one of the Fathers had often Observed him to pay his Adorations to one particular shrine, and (by degrees) understood the business which put him upon those frequent Addresses. It was all for Love forsooth, it was the heat of his passion, that begat that of his Devotion: All his Applications were made to the figure of a Lady with a Child in her Arms; Whom he earnestly besought to Incline the Idol of his thoughts to answer his Inclinations with a reciprocal passion; And to be so propitious as to favour his Love with a fortunate minute, wherein he might discover the violence of that Flame, the Rays of her Beauty had kindled in him, with abundance of such Rhetorical Bombast which he had picked (its like) out of Wit's Commonwealth, or the Academy of Compliments; but still accented and pronounced in the Tone of Dear Joy Land, interlarded with a world of O bone's! ho! ho! poo's, and the like; one would have thought enough to have melted down a Lady of Marble. But though it obtained not the desired effect, our Soldier knew not how to despair, but daily repeated his Addresses, and renewed his Vows to the Obdurate Shrine. The Boy before mentioned, had one day placed himself behind the Statue, and that so advantageously, that the Soldier did not observe him; but with a Tone and gesture very pitiful, was heard to express himself to this pupposee Deevil talk me (dear Joy) Y hauve come a mauny timesh indeed to mauke Shuplicaushion to dye, and Y can nevar get one word from d'ye in fait; now be his Holynesh's Slipper, Y tinke it is vary hard indeed date dye shouldst ushe a body after such fashion be Christ; vaat posht dee be in dish plauce for, if de vilt not be sho shivil to manke Answer, vaan Y speak to dye indeed? daat Y do shay me hort is amosht broke to peeshes in fait, dare is no mauking belief in any body at all be Creest, aund dee beesht sho hoard haurted, daat if Y do come to dee every day indeed, dee vilt shay noting at aul to me in fait; Aund is not dish very hoard noow? Yesh be shan't Pautrick it is indeed: Aund yet v'rall dat Y musht be for coming to dee again, to mauke Shuplicashions upon d'ye, daat Y may ondershtand if she vill be mauking Love upon me, or no be Chreest; aund if Y shaul make mauriage upon her indeed? No, no, says the Boy behind the Picture, at which Dear Joy was in a very great discontent, and could hardly forbear falling into a fumigation; but a little recollecting, he proceeded: Noow Y prithee dear Joy, let that shame pretty little Child hold hish tongue, shpake to me vid dine awn Lipsh indeed; vaat dost dee shay noow; shaul Y aver come to Bed to daat pretty Woman, daat Y vash spaking to dee aboout? aund upon me shalwashion indeed Y vill be for mauking Prayer to dee sholong ash Y live be Christ: No, no, I say (says the Boy again) thou shalt never have her. Daan de deevil talk me if aver Y do mauke Prayers upon d'ye any more be my Shoul, Y vill go aund mauke hang upon me shalf ' noow; aund de shalt never she me faush any more in fait noow, aund sho far dee fall dear Joy, indeed. At which he marched out of the Church in great Indignation, and the Boy was ready to burst with the thought how he had imposed upon poor B●●lander. A dear Joy being arraigned for stealing a Mare, and the Evidence making Oath they saw him lead her out of the Ground he was at length asked, what he could faith for himself? Now the Deevill talk me it fait (says he) but hear is the greatesh parshell of Lawyers daat ever vash in the World, vor upon me shalwashion (dear Joy) Y did but talk the end of the bridle in fait, aund the Deevillish Jade came after indeed, aund Y vash loat to cut of the end of the Bridle, aund a● Chreesht of dee dost mauke hang upon it, dare well be au end of me Generashion indeed, for me Vaadar, me Grandfar, me great Grandfar, and two Broddarsh wash all hanged for Shomtinesh after one anodder, shom vash for finding of Coush, shom for Sheepsh, aund shom for mauking Murder be Creesht, aund de Deevil talk de envanshion of hampe in fait, for is mauke destrushion upon aull me vaadarsh Faumily indeed. And be shaint Pautrick if d'ye dost mauke putting the haang upon me, Y vill navar mauke forget of it indeed, La.