THE Contented Cuckold, OR THE Woman's Advocate: A COMEDY.  
This may be Printed.  
April 26 th', 1692.  
Rob. Midgley.  
LONDON; Printed, and Sold by Randal Taylor, near Stationers-Hall, A. D. 1692.   

To his worthy Friends John Huxly of Wyerhall in Edmonson, in the County of Middlesex, Esq. and Richard Andrew of the same, Gentleman.  
Generous Gentlemen,  
THIS Trifle which I am bold to prefix your Name in, like a well drawn Picture, looks alike on each of you, and challenges your Protection and Patronage, you being the sole Promoters and Countenancers of its being what it is; your Commands, together with my want of Consideration, made me undertake a Task which I am conscious to myself I am altogether unfit for. When I had plunged myself into this Sea of Thought, I quickly found my Mistake, and presently became sensible of my Error, though too late to recall it, having given my Promise before for the performance of it. I have taken what care I could to walk by the Rules prescribed me, as you will find by the perusal of it. If there be any thing in it can force a Smile or a kind Look from you, I have reached my end, and hope it may take off the edge of your Anger at the rest of an ill writ Play, which wants both Language, Wit and Plot, (which Three if I mistake not,) are the chief Ingredients that make up a Comedy, with which if it be fraught, Nonsense may sometimes pass unregarded. I expect not in this Critical and Censorious Age to fare better than the rest and best of Poets, who for the most part are branded with the Name of Scribbling Fops and Half-wits; and to say Truth, the World hath still been at that pass for some Ages past. Produce me but one Poet, either Ancient or Modern, that ever escaped the Lash of Envious and Malicious Tongues, — Et eris mihi Magnus Apollo; yet I hope that good Nature and sweet Disposition, which you are in a large measure endowed withal, will pass by small Faults and accept the Will for the Deed, from him whose highest Ambition is, that without offence, he may subscribe himself  
Your Obliged Humble Servant, Reuben Bourne.   

THE PROLOGUE.  
INdulgent Parents take what care they can  
To breed their Son; but when he once writes Man,  
He thinks himself too great to be advised,  
And those which took such care, are then Despised:  
He sets up for himself, and learns the way  
To Whore all Night, to Swear and Drink all Day.  
The Spark being thus accomplished, thinks he's fit  
At a New Play to be a Judge of Wit;  
And takes his Place with as much Confidence,  
As he that's Master of the greatest Sense;  
Sets his Cravat, and then invokes the Powers,  
And Swears all Vizard Masks are Common Whores.  
So Poets tickled with Applause, they are  
Quite altered, and no more the Men they were:  
They then grow Proud, and huff their Benefactors,  
And Swear the fault's not in the Play, but Actors.  
The Music that shall hardly scape his Curse;  
The Scenes and Habits he likes ten times worse;  
And all to make his Bandy Play go down,  
With the more civil Gentry of the Town.  
A Smutty Tale will please the Common sort,  
His greatest care is how to take the Court,  
And get the name of Poet from some Lord,  
None dare gainsay, but gladly take his Word.  
Our Poet's none of these, all his Intent  
Is among Neighbours to make Merriment;  
Which if it take effect, he'th gained his ends;  
If not, he hopes the Ladies are his Friends,  
And backed by them, he cares not who contends.  
Our Poet to your Beauties doth submit,  
And Humbly offers both himself and it.   

The ACTORS NAMES.  
SIR Peter Lovejoy, 
The Contented Cuckold.  Lady Lovejoy, 
His Wife.  Lettuce, 
Her Maid.  Mr. Friendly, 
Lady Lovejoys Uncle.  Mr. Sparkish, 
Two Gentlemen of the times.  Mr. Modish, 
Two Gentlemen of the times.  Mr. Serious, 
An old Gouty Gentleman.  Ralph, 
His Man.  Tom, 
Man to Mr. Sparkish.  Stephen, 
Man to Mr. Modish.  Flavia and Julia, 
Sisters to Lady Lovejoy.  A Hackney Coachman. 
  A Drawer. 
  And a Footboy. 
    

THE Contented Cuckold, OR THE Woman's Advocate.  

ACT I.  Mr. Serious on his Couch, Ralph standing by him. Mr. Serious. 
RAlph,  Ralph. 
Sir.  Mr. Serious. 
How goes the day?  Ralph. 
The glorious Sun is posting forward to the hour of Nine.  Mr. Serious. 
Impertinent Coxcomb, that thinkst to dress thy Speech with flourishes, and set thyself in more esteem with Men by Rhetoric, tell me directly how the day goes forward, without the least Addition?  Ralph. 
Without Addition, then 'tis near on Nine; the last that struck was Eight.  Mr. Serious. 
I think at Ten, Sir Peter Lovejoy said he would be here.  Ralph. 
He did so, Sir.  Mr. Serious. 
Time runs away; 'tis 20 year since first I knew that Man, the most contented Cuckold in the World, yet thinks himself a Wit, and will no more believe his Wife dishonest, than I the Alcoran to be a Truth; such Fools there are in Nature: But were I he, I would find her haunts, and break them. But speak to him, and 'tis to no more purpose than grasping the Air. But hark, I hear him coming.  Enter Sir Peter Lovejoy. Sir Peter. 
Good morrow Sir, I see your old Distemper will be your Guest, though uninvited, and keep you Chamber-prisoner.  Mr. Serious. 
I see Sir Peter you still keep your humour, look Fat and Fair; I hope your Lady's well.  S. Peter. 
She is; Let them look Sad that are always out of Humour, those Jealous-pated Fools, who dare not trust their Wives beyond their sight, but sit uneasy, sigh, and make complaint, and either Rail at Fortune, or the Priest that joined their Wives and them; whilst I, like Birds at liberty, sit Chirping, and spend my hours with Mirth.  Mr. Serious. 
You are happy Sir, that can set light by grief; but let me tell you Sir, I have known as wise a Man as you deceived.  Sir Peter. 
Away thou Fool, go Preach your Rif-Raf to those Jealous-Coxcombs will give you the hearing of it: so good morrow.  Mr. Serious. 
Farewell thou senseless Sot; and now 'tis time for me to use my Legs, and move to some close Corner of my House, and lay my Plot to compass Lovejoy's Sister; for Gouty as I now pretend myself, my inclination is still that way given, and this my borrowed shape to reach my End. Exeunt.  Enter Lady Lovejoy, Flavia, Julia and Lettuce. Lady Lovejoy. 
Methinks the hours move slowly forward; for I have rested badly, and in that seeming Rest I have enjoyed, have been disturbed with Fears and dismal Visions, such as disturb the Mind, and fill the Heart with Grief.  Julia. 
Come Sister, talk no more of Dreams and Fantasies, which serve for nothing but to spoil good Company. Let's contrive how to enjoy ourselves in the Afternoon, and spend the day with mirth.  Lady Lovejoy. 
Fie Sister, 'tis not generous thus to triumph over my misfortunes. I have known the time when I could have been Jovial, and danced all Night without the least regret.  Flavia. 
Sister, I am of your mind, that there's more satisfaction in an hours privacy, than in the enjoyment of all worldly pleasure a longer space of time.  Julia. 
I still would have all parties pleased; you shall have my Consent to be Cloistered up in some close Nunnery; and Lettuce, if she likes your Choice, to wait on you.  Lettuce. 
I like her Choice! No, I would rather choose to show the Tumbler in London Streets, or in Bridewell beat Hemp, than lose the satisfaction I conceive there's in a married Life.  Lady Lovejoy. 
Sure you cannot in me perceive such Joy, or such Satisfaction as you speak of.  Lettuce. 
If e'er I marry, all I wish is this, may I meet with just such another as my Master, who though I Cuckold him times without number, may still believe me honest.  L. Lovejoy. 
Sir Peter hath no other 'cause I am sure; but what occasion you may give your Husband, I am not fit to Judg.  Julia. 
Faith Sister, I believe you ne'er the sooner for the fair Character you give yourself; for I have known those that have made a large Discourse of Modesty, their Hearts have leaned the quite contrary way.  L. Lovejoy. 
Fie Sister, how you talk; but you will have your way, there's no opposing you, though what you say is altogether false.  Julia. 
Then without Raillery, I yesterday received this Letter from one who speaks very fair, and Lords his Sentences with Scripture-phrases: There you may see the Cheat then; vindicate him if you can, from the deserved name of Hypocrite, which justly he falls under; and I wish such Godly persons as they call themselves, may meet no better Fate than he is like to do, or else I miss my Aim.  L. Lovejoy. 
Sure it cannot be, that Men should try their Wits to Cheat the World in matters of Religion too: 'Tis false; I know it must be so.  Julia. 
If you dare trust your Eyes, the thing is plain to every person unconcerned, that will Consult their Reason; but if you still continue obstinate, there's no reclaiming of you.  L. Lovejoy. 
Pray read this Libel against this Holy Man; le's hear his Crimes.  Julia. 
Not I, but you may if you please; here, take the Letter. Gives the Letter.  L. Rovejoy 
reads.  
Madam,  
Tho Gouty as I now pretend myself, if you please to appoint your place and time, you shall find me as brisk and lively as your Modish Gallant. Pray favour me with a Line from your fair hand; for I long to be employed by your Commands.  
Your Humble Servant Serious.  Julia. 
What think you of this Dissembling Wretch?  L. Lovejoy. 
Ah Sister! You are unacquainted with the World: The Envious still are Virtue's Enemies, while Vice is let alone and unregarded.  Julia. 
I blush to see you thus unreasonable; but if you please to be where I'll appoint you, I'll make you an Earwitness of this Truth to which you will give no Credit: If this won't make you hate such Hypocrites, I'll leave you as I found you, wedded to your own Will and blind Opinion, and take the sweetness of this Evenings Air. But if you'll comply with what I propose, and send a Summons for him, if he disobeys I'll bare the blame, and own I have wronged the Gentleman.  L. Lovejoy. 
Pray try your Skill; I am very willing to be undeceived, and not so obstinate as you would make me.  Julia. 
Now I like you; at Seven a Clock this Night be in your Closet joining to the Parlour, whither I'll bring him at the time appointed, where you shall hear our whole Discourse at large, and I'll leave you to be Judge who's in the Right. Farewell. Exit.  Flavia. 
Sister, there must be something in this business worth the hearing: Pray let me be in the Closet with you, 'twill add much to my satisfaction.  L. Lovejoy. 
You shall Lettuce: Pray convey my Sister to me at the time appointed. Exeunt ambo.  Lettuce. 
I shall. In the mean time my Prayers and Wishes are, that this dissembling doting Lecher may be unmasked; and shown in his proper Colours; for I love mischief, especially to those I know are impotent, and will pretend to what they cannot perform. Were he in Youth and Vigour, 't may be I might help him in his business, and get a small reward or two for my pains; 'tis part of my Employment to help a Generous person in distress, and by that means perhaps oblige both persons, and so be feed on both sides. It sometimes happens so: But I am sure for him she hath no kindness, nor have I any the least Respect: But I must in and see how matters go, and wait till Night to know the upshot of it.  Enter Friendly and Serious, with Ralph. Serious. 
Dear Sir, I always took you for my Friend, and therefore always made you of my Counsel.  Friendly. 
And still you found me just to what I promised, and ever will be so.  Serious. 
That good Opinion I have always had of you, and still retain, hath made me venture to discover to you a matter of Importance. This Paper will inform you more at large; and I would beg you Judgement.  Friendly 
Reads.  
Sir,  
I received yours, and desire you will not fail to come to me at seven a Clock this Evening to my Brothers, where I have taken care for your Reception.  
Julia.  Sir, 
You are a happy Man: I never heard her talked of for a Gallant; but I'll assist you what I may, for I am passed those things, and may be trusted: And truly I had thought, time had made alterations in your person, to have made you past Intrigues; but what would you have me do in this business?  Serious. 
Only keep Counsel, and when you find an Opportunity, give her a Character of me as best will suit her temper: You know how, better than I can tell you. So Farewell. Exit.  Friendly. 
Ralph, Ralph.  Ralph. 
Sir.  Friendly. 
Who brought this Letter to your Master?  Ralph. 
A Lady Sir, I suppose some Attendant; and said there needed nothing of an Answer. Exit.  Friendly. 
'Tis well: I wonder much, that this Girl that is under 20, should dote on 73, for that I am sure he is: There must be more in it than he suspects, or I am yet aware of; but be it what it will I need not care, nor do I. To morrow I shall hear how matters go; in the mean time I'll find a Friend and take a Chirping Cup, and that I think is far beyond Intrigues and Night-Adventures.  Enter Ralph and Serious. Serious. 
If any body comes to ask for me, tell them it will be late ere I return.  Ralph. 
I will Sir. A prosperous Journey to him, he hath something in his Head more than ordinary: I wish him good success, or I shall have a scurvy living on't.  Enter Julia and Lettuce. Julia. 
Now we are alone, prithee Lettuce le's contrive a way to punish this Old Fornicator: After we have made him appear to be what he is, and satisfied my Sister in him, le's satisfy ourselves, and have some pastime: Thou hast been good at it in thy time; le's lay our Heads together.  Lettuce. 
With all my heart; le's in and think upon it. Exeunt.  Enter Sir Peter Lovejoy and Lady. S. Peter. 
I have appointed a Meeting this Evening with 3 or 4 honest Fellows, such as myself; we'll make the Skies lock Blue and every Man shall bear a Bob i'faith.  Lady. 
Pray don't tarry late, 'twill prejudice your Health; be sides, I love your Company.  S. Peter. 
I'll make what haste I can; in the mean time secure yourself from harm; I'll drink thy Health. Exit.  Lady. 
Adieu. Now if I had the Company of Mr. Modish in his room an hour or two, I could dispense with it: But Rome was not built in a day, nor they say wont be destroyed in a year. I may so carry the matter, that he and I may be better acquainted: In the mean time I live in hopes of what may be hereafter. Exit.  Enter Flavia. Flavia. 
The time draws near; I long to be convinced; I think for my part, we are always a Longing: Before Marriage we Long to be married; after Marriage we are, they say, in a Longing Condition; but if I were married, I would be sure to long for something that were good. I Long too methinks, to be making the Experiment; and for all my Dissembling, do what I can, my Inclination lies toward a Man.  Enter Julia and Lettuce. Julia. 
Do you think this Plot will take? I fear he will ne'er be brought to undertake this piece of Service.  Lettuce. 
Then let him go like an old doting Fool as he is; but I'll warrant you rather than lose the design he proposes to himself, he'll perform any thing you enjoin him without the least regret.  Julia. 
I wish it prove so: Methinks I would not lose my expectation, for more than I will speak of.  Lettuce. 
Never fear't Madam: But if the worst come to the worst, you will be rid of a troublesome Customer; for if he refuse your first Command, he can't in Reason expect after that to be entertained with any Respect or show of Kindness.  Julia. 
I can't but think how like a Fool he'll look when he is Blindfold, and his Hands tied behind him.  Lettuce. 
Then he looks as he is; for who but a Fool could think that a Lady of your years should have any kindness for a Man of his? There must needs be a great agreeableness between 19 and 73. Hark, my Lady calls, I must away. Exit.  Julia. 
If it were not for this Wench, I know not what I should have done. Now must I humour him, and make him abundance of fair promises, which I never intent to perform, to bring this business to pass. This is a new Stratagem to get rid of a troublesome Gallant. Exit.  Enter Sir Peter Lovejoy and Mr. Friendly. S. Peter. 
Uncle Friendly, I am Joyed to see you: You are so taken up of late, a Man knows not where to find you.  Mr. Friendly. 
I am no Man of business you know; but in the Evening, I am for a Glass of the best Wine I can get; but in full Quarts, that I may not be cheated of my Measure. We were at Tom's last Night, Quart after Quart, i'faith, the Kings, Queens, and all the Royal Family.  S. Peter. 
Look ye Uncle, as Cunning as you take yourself to be, to my certain knowledge your Cunning hath failed you; for Tom hath never a sealed Quart in his House, nor hath not had this seven years: Besides, there's difference in the Wine. We were got in the Garden to the Sealed Bottles, rare Wine i'faith; We Bumped it away with a Huzzah; did you not hear us Uncle?  Mr. Friendly. 
Hear you! We took you to be all Mad: I am for quietness and privacy, though in a Public House, as you call it.  S. Peter. 
Well Uncle, if you will Dine with me, well and good; in the Afternoon I am engaged: Upon my Honour I must at it again; good Wine you know, never hurts a Man, but makes him Brisk and Airy, Creates an Appetite. I am so hungry now, I know not which way to turn myself; we'll in and call for Dinner.  Exit. Enter Lady Lovejoy and Flavia. L. Lovejoy. 
Sister, methinks now we are retired and quiet, we have some enjoyment of ourselves, and live like Christians: My Sister Julia's of another Humour, let her take her Fancy which way it lies; in the end she will repent it, and wish she had taken my advice.  Flavia. 
Truly, I think there is no such Trouble as the World styles Pleasure; the Noise and Bustle there is abroad, besides Expense of time, the daily Visits that are created by it, that one can ne'er be private, nor retired, without being counted Rude, or at best unmannerly, while we escape their Censure, and the Charge of giving Entertainments.  L. Lovejoy. 
You are in the right, I am glad to see that there are yet some left that hold of my Opinion, and are not glued nor wedded to the Trifles this World affords, which are at best but Transitory, and give no Satisfaction nor Content; methinks I am weary with the very thoughts on't; but I'll retire, and ease me on my Couch. Exit.  Flavia. 
If I am deceived, so be it; but I believe she is a great dissembles; one Reason is, 'cause I am so myself, and would be private in my undertaking, for fear of being balked in my designs; for were I sure not to be denied, I would quickly change my Note, and try Conclusions; but as it is, I must keep on the Mask till a fit opportunity. Exit.  Enter Julia and Lettuce. Lettuce. 
Madam, How like you now your Sister's Humour? you have her free Confession, though in private, and I dare pawn my Life the other's of her Mind, if we knew all.  Julia. 
How luckily we came to hear them? I'm glad to find Flavia is not really what she seems to be in Public; but, how she carries it to Cheat my Sister Lovejoy! Lettuce, Are all our things in readiness for our design?  Lettuce. 
Leave all to me, you shall have nothing wanting that is requisite; in the mean time, do you prepare yourself to fit him with Discourse.  Julia. 
I will; but let me die if I know how to manage my Countenance: The very thoughts of my Project will betray my Design. Exit.  Lettuce 
How many Fears she's in! first she fears the Project won't take; the next fear is, the discovering of it: Had I such a business of my own in hand, I would try him every way, though he were the Man I loved above all others: First I would try his Wit, next his Constancy, next his Courage, next, Bless me! what was I going to say? But 'tis no matter.  
I would know all his Humours ere I'd marry:  
And like a Spannel, make him Fetch and Carry.  
The End of the First ACT.   

ACT II.  Enter Julia and Lettuce. Julia. 
I Think the time's expired, 'tis 7 a Clock; he won't be long before he is here: Some body knocks, 'tis he sure. Now to dissemble well, and Cheat this Fool, and make him think I love him.  Enter Mr. Serious. Serious. 
Madam, This is a happiness beyond belief, to enjoy your Company, and in private too; I hope we may be so.  Julia. 
Yes Sir: Lettuce withdraw, and leave us.  Lettuce. 
Yes Madam. But I think my Stars, I shall have the pleasure of hearing all in private. aside.  Julia. 
Sir, I suppose you had the Note I sent you, by your coming so exactly.  Mr. Serious. 
I hope you take me to be a person of better Breeding and Courage, than to be tardy in such weighty Matters.  Julia. 
I take you to be a person of Discretion, fit to be trusted with a Lady's Honour. Such Godly men as you are ne'er suspected.  Mr. Serious. 
If my borrowed Shape offends you, I'll throw that by, and show you what in Truth I am, and always have been; my aim and whole desire is, your fair Beauty; which gained, I am no more the Man I seem, than is your Sister Lovejoy what she seems.  Julia. 
Is she too one of the Dissembling sort, that Cheats the World in Zeal?  Mr. Serious. 
No better, nor no worse; but to our business in hand, the thing we meet for.  Julia. 
Soft and fair goes far: I have several Articles must be agreed to before I yield the Fort, so long maintained against homebred Enemies, and Foreign Foes.  Mr. Serious. 
Before they are named I agree to them, let them be what they will.  Julia. 
This general Consent won't do with me: Besides, I have an odd Humour must be satisfied. I have made a Resolution never to yield to any Man, without he Consents to be Blindfolded, and his Hands tied behind him; so to walk from my House to his, let it be where it will: Now this must be performed before we proceed any further.  Mr. Serious. 
A pretty Frolic: This performed, you say, you and I may come to a right understanding.  Julia. 
Yes, when we meet again, no question, to your Satisfaction: Do you agree to this?  Mr. Serious. 
'Tis something hard; but rather than lose your Favour, I'll consent to any thing in Reason: Who must Blind me?  Julia. 
Take no thought for that, I'll see it done.  Mr. Serious. 
Well, I commit myself into your hands, use me as you think good: They say, Lovers are Blind, and I can be no more when this is done; but I fear after all, I shall be at a loss to find my way home.  Julia. 
Come Sir, let's in and set the project on foot: I Long to see you begin your Journey. Exeunt.  Enter Friendly and Sparkish. Sparkish. 
Mr. Friendly, my old Acquaintance, most happily encountered, methinks 'tis an Age since last I saw you.  Friendly. 
Your Servant Sir, I retain my old Humour still, never trouble myself with State-Affairs, nor business above my Apprehension: I warrant you you shall never find me in a Plot, either against King or Government; nor my Name in Print, to show my Wit and Parts, and undergo the Censure of the World; all my Aim is to serve my Friend, provided it be not to my own prejudice; and to know where I may be furnished with a Glass of rare Claret in the Evening; with this I rest contented.  Sparkish. 
I like your Humour well: I was yesterday at the piercing of a Hogshead of such Wine as you speak of; if you please, I have a Bottle of it at your Service.  Friendly. 
With all my heart; I am for a Whetstone, as you call it, before Dinner: Lead on Sir, I'll bear you Company, provided you done't move too fast for me.  Sparkish. 
Come on Sir.  
Thus various ways the differing World do move,  
But without Wine, there's neither Life nor Love.  Enter Mr. Serious Blindfold, his Hands tied behind him, Lady Lovejoy, Julia, Flavia, and Lettuce, Laughing. Mr. Serious. 
I am glad Ladies I can contribute any thing to your Mirth; but 'tis not fair to insult over a Man in his Misfortunes.  Lady Lovejoy. 
The truth of it is, I should not have done it, but you began first with me, like an untoward Man as you are; so what I do is out of Revenge.  Julia. 
What I do is out of Love, I suppose the Gentleman is satisfied in that.  Lettuce. 
I did nothing, but what you all Commanded, and he desired; but let me die, now 'tis done, if I can forbear Laughing, I beg the Gentleman's Excuse.  Flavia. 
Faith, I pity the poor Gentleman; but this is the Fate of Lovers, they must undergo whatever is enjoined them.  Julia. 
Well Mr. Serious, 'tis well 'tis no worse; whatever the Service be, you know the Reward is sweet, and will answer your Expectation: In the mean time, you shall have my good wishes for your safe Deliverance; else, for aught I know, I may be brought in as Contriver of his Murder. Let him have a good beginning, whatever the end be; prithee Lettuce sing him a Song, before he sets onward of his Journey.  Lettuce. 
I'll do my endeavour to please you all if possible, but you know I could never sing well: Besides, I have nothing new to Sing; mine are all old.  Lettuce Sings. 
TEll me what a thing is Love,  
O ye Gods that live above:  
You in wanton pleasures rove,  
And all its secret Joys do prove:  
Whilst we poor Mortals here below,  
Scarce a part of it do know;  
But linger out a Life in pain,  
And nought but scornful Love we gain  
Why was Man cut out by Fate,  
Capable of better State?  
And why was Woman made his Mate  
To help him, yet his Toils create?  
If we were made the Lords of all,  
Must we to our Subjects fall;  
And Cringe to that which is our own,  
By right of our Creation?  Mr. Serious. 
Your Servant Ladies: This is some refreshment in the midst of all my Misfortunes. Now for my Journey.  Julia. 
Ha, ha, ha, look Lettuce, the Gentleman hath left his Dog-trot, and hath found out a new way of Ambling.  Lettuce. 
He walks in State; now he may Cock his Beaver, and take the Wall of a Dog.  Lady Lovejoy. 
This is excellent sport; let's in and have our Laugh out. Exeunt omnes.  Enter Sparkish and Modish. Sparkish. 
I wonder Modish what makes you so Melancholy of late, thou usest to be of another temper.  Modish. 
I rather wonder what makes you so Merry. I see no cause for it.  Sparkish. 
Prithee, what should make me otherwise; I have good clothes on my Back, good Victuals in my Belly, and good Money that Commands the World, in my Pocket. I need want for nothing this World affords: And I know no reason that Noble Creature Man, the Lord of the Creation, should deny himself any thing; I have known you of this Opinion formerly, what e'er 's the matter with you now.  Modish. 
I have considered of it, and can find no reason, why any Man should, Narcissus like, be in love with his own Image, but am rather of my Lord Rochester's Opinion, that a Man had better be a Bear, a Lion, or a Monkey, than what he is; for the Devil, the World, or the Flesh, are always laying Siege to him; and if he hearkens to their Temptations, they generally Reward him, the Devil with Shame, a Woman with Scorn, and the World with gaudy Trifles, and guilded Nothings, and it may be at last with a Halter: Therefore I wonder much, that any Man of Reason will either follow, or be led by them.  Sparkish. 
By Heavens, I think thou art beside thyself, to argue at this rate; it makes me mad to hear thee.  Modish. 
You may when you please go out of the hearing of it; the Door's open; you can find the way out sure, as well as you found the way in; you need no guide.  Sparkish. 
Sure thou art not in Earnest; this is but a Copy of your Countenance.  Modish. 
Prithee trouble me with no more of your impertinent Discourse, you hinder me from my Contemplations; which are more to me than all the World beside.  Sparkish. 
Rather than hinder you, I'll take my leave, and expect the News will be, Thou hast hanged thyself, or else thou art put in Bedlam; so farewell. Exit  Enter Stephen. Stephen. 
Sir, There's a Lady below desires to speak with you.  Modish. 
Another Devil to torment me in the shape of an Angel of Light? Conduct her up.  Enter Lettuce. Lettuce. 
Good morrow Sir, I hope you will pardon my boldnest, for giving you this early Visit, when you understand the Cause of it.  Modish. 
Such Divine Forms as yours, are never employed but by the Powers above, with Joyful News to drooping Mortals, oppressed with the weight of Grief and Woe beyond their strength; such Wretches as I am!  Lettuce. 
I wish the News I bring may tend to your Relief, and give you Satisfaction and Content. I hope it will.  Modish. 
Pray let me hear the heavenly News you bring, and keep me not in doubt 'twixt hope and fear, like Men in Fevers, sometimes intermitting, and then again the Burning Fit returns, and dashes all their hopes.  Lettuce. 
First, You must be obliged to secrecy, because a Lady's Honour is concerned; none of the meaner sort for Beauty, nor for Breeding: But one that may Challenge Honour and Respect, from Men of the best Rank.  Modish. 
I Vow and Swear, I'll bind myself to secrecy by all you can invent.  Lettuce. 
Hold Sir, your word's enough, for Persons of your generous Disposition ne'er break their promise. To keep you then no longer in the Dark; 'tis Madam Julia, Lady Lovejoy's Sister.  Modish. 
The only Woman in the World I would have wished: Your words Revive my drooping Spirits, and add new Life, like Oil to Lamps expiring. I from this hour may date any Happiness, and my new Life is wholly at your Service, to be employed as you direct and order; for without you, I still am at a loss, like Ships in Storms, without a skilful Pilot to guide them safe to Harbour.  Lettuce. 
If I must manage this design, I would have you first acquainted with her Brother Sir Peter Lovejoy; for you must know, my Lady Lovejoy hath a kindness for you; so that you must pretend your Love to her, and under that disguise may reach your End.  Modish. 
I know Sir Peter's Humour, he still believes all Women honest; and therefore there is no fear of his suspicion: But how will Madam Julia like this Plot, that I should Court her Sister to Debauch her?  Lettuce. 
Leave that to me to manage; you see I am free with you Sir: All this I do the Lady is ignorant of; but I have heard her speak of you with more than ordinary Respect and Kindness; but you must try your Skill to gain her Favour.  Modish. 
Else I deserve the worst of Characters; that have the Wealth of both the Indies offered me, that Glorious Creature, more than all the World, should I stop at any thing to gain her Favour.  Enter Stephen. Stephen. 
Sir Peter Lovejoy Sir, desires to see you.  Modish. 
I'll wait on him; up Madam, be pleased to step into this Closet, there you may overhear us; and when he is gone, resolve what Course to take.  Enter Sir Peter Lovejoy. Sir Peter. 
How is't Man? I was last Night in Company, where I heard thou were't in a Melancholy Mode: What's the matter Man! Thou usedst to be Brisk and Airy with thy Jokes and Fancies, that a Man had as good be hanged as come near thee.  Modish. 
I am glad to see you hold your old Humour still; one thing or other is always predominant in us, sometimes Melancholy, sometimes Mirth, sometimes Love; these take their place by turns, and supply us with matter in our vacant hours to work upon, and produce different effects, according to the temper of the Person they have to do withal.  Sir Peter. 
Thou sayst right; we are all our own Carvers in these Cases; but I never trouble myself about these matters: If Mirth, I cherish it, if Melancholy, I presently fly to my old Remedy Wine, and hear no more of it.  Modish. 
You are a happy Man Sir, that can divert your serious thoughts so easily; I think I must try your Physic, before I shall be perfectly Cured; I'll Visit you Sir, and drink a Bottle with you.  Sir Peter. 
With all my Heart i'faith, thou shalt be as welcome as any Man I know, prithee come this Afternoon; there will be a Knot of Honest Fellows; 'tis an appointed Match to try our Strength.  Modish. 
'Tis ten to one but I wait on you, but you must give grains of Allowance to Men not well in Health.  Sir Peter. 
Ay, Ay, man, let not that hinder thee from coming; sit next me, I'll favour thee.  Modish. 
Enough Sir, I'll wait on you.  Sir Peter. 
Give me thy Hand upon the same: We shall be very merry; the Ladies will be glad to see thee too.  Modish. 
You may trust me with them for any trouble I shall put them too.  Sir Peter. 
Hay day, I think thy Sickness has made thee lose thy memory; dost not know I vindicate the Reputation of all the Women in the World? There is no such thing in Nature as a Cuckold; whatever Women are before, after Marriage to be sure, they are honest, it can't be otherwise.  Modish. 
You have read much, and I'll not dispute it with you.  Sir Peter. 
Nay, 'tis your best way to lay down the Cudgels, for I should have been too hard for you: Good morrow Sir, I shall expect you.  Modish. 
Your Servant Sir.  Enter Lettuce. Lettuce. 
Was ever such a confessed Coxcomb seen? But it makes for our Design.  Modish. 
This Visit fell pat for our business; here's our Admittance gained already.  Lettuce. 
Pray make good use of it; when Fortune favours us, 'tis dangerous slighting of her.  Modish. 
When we have such a good Opportunity put into our hand, if we don't make good use of it, we deserve to be slighted by her another time.  Lettuce. 
I am glad you are so sensible; but I must leave you now, I know you are a Gentleman of Worth and Honour: I need not mind you of any thing more than what I have said already; your Servant Sir.  Modish. 
Stay thou blessed Messenger of happy News, and take this small Acknowledgement. Gives her Gold.  Lettuce. 
You load me with you kindness.  Modish. 
Desert me if I once ungrateful prove,  
I'll part with all I have for Julia's Love.  
The End of the Second ACT.   

ACT III.  Enter Modish solus. Modish. 
I Am now in hopes, that Fortune may be kind, for sure by this time she hath spit her Venom: I have been her Sport this 3 months now, or more, perhaps the Tide may turn, and I may become her Favourite, that have been her Scorn and Maygame; whilst others less deserving, are prosperous in all their Undertakings, and have what e'er they wish.  Enter Mr. Serious. Mr. Serious. 
How now Mr. Modish, what are you Railing at Fortune too? I thought all the World had been at Ease, and only I tormented.  Modish. 
What's the matter man, that makes Fortune and thee differ? Thou art passed the thoughts of Women, and Gaming you never were addicted to.  Mr. Serious. 
Matter! There's matter enough to make a man mad, were he never so well in his Senses; I warrant you I have broke my Shins in 40 places, or rather but in one; for from my Knee to my Instep, 'tis all as Raw as a galled Horseback.  Modish. 
Prithee how man, by what misfortune?  Serious. 
Ay, there's the Devil on't, I must be making Experiments, whether a man might not walk blindfolded with his hands behind him, as well as he that hath his hands at liberty, and his Eyes to see his way.  Modish. 
Ha, ha, ha, who put thee upon this? Or was't thy own free Choice?  Serious. 
You had need ask that question, whether it were my own Choice or no: You find many men in this Age willing to break their Necks, if they can find any way in the World to avoid it.  Modish. 
But how did I know what the Devil might tempt you to do ●  Serious. 
No Sir, 'twas a Woman, and that's as bad I think, to undertake this piece of Gallantry; but 'tis very well I saved my Neck, my Shins may be Cured; but that had been an ugly Joint to set again.  Modish. 
I am heartily sorry for your misfortune; but these things are common with them that have to do with those sort of Cattle.  Serious. 
Common, quoth he; I don't believe the like was ever before heard of in a Civil Commonwealth: But 'twas my own fault, like a Fool as I was, to undertake it; and therefore I had as good hold my Tongue.  Modish. 
I am of your mind Sir, therefore lay these thoughts aside, and go with me this Afternoon, where we'll be very merry.  Serious. 
You may be so, you have no cause to the contrary; but I have Sores enough at present to hinder my Mirth, which I must take care of, and get some Plasters for: This comes of it when men won't take warning, though they have Examples in the like kind every day. Exit.  Modish. 
By what I can gather from all People I converse withal, a man in this Age had need be endued with a great deal of Constancy and Resolution: I am persuaded, the Ladies of our times take their measures from the French King, to rule by an Arbitrary Power, and keep their Subjects continually upon Duty, that they may be alway's fit for Service and ready upon all occasions.  Enter Sparkish. Sparkish. 
Modish! Give us thy hand. I come to congratulate thy safe Recovery: I hear thy Distemper hath left thee, and thou art in thy Right Wits again.  Modish. 
I know no body was ever out of their Wits, except yourself; there's a sort of men in the World that think all men mad that are not of their Principle and Opinion; like Lunatic Men that call all the World their own, tho' they have never a Foot of Land in it.  Sparkish. 
I believe if thy Distemper were ever off, 'tis returning again; by this Discourse one would guests so.  Modish. 
Thus formal Fops condemn all sober Persons, while Men of Sense, stand gazing at such Fools like Men on Comets. 'tis strange that the Masterpiece of Nature should so degenerate more than senseless Animals: They keep their Order, and are are always moving in the Pathway Nature hath ordered for them, and obey all her Laws she hath prescribed them, with all the Willingness imaginable: But Man must, like a Clock, be always looked to; or else like Horses, headstrong and unruly, be curbed to keep them under; the motion of his Will being averse to what he was designed for.  Sparkish. 
A very learned Speech; this is only to show thou hast been at the University. If I should stay long, thou wouldst craze thyself with endeavouring to persuade me out of my Reason. Exit.  Modish. 
I am so far from that, I believe he hath none in him: But those that have least, are generally most conceited of their own Parts, and are beyond reclaiming so irrecoverably blinded with self-conceit, that they think they are arrived to a perfection in Knowledge above the common sort of Men; and therefore look down as it were on others with Contempt and Scorn, whilst he that is truly knowing is still desirous to be thought less than what indeed he is, and modestly refuses the Praises when given him; though it be no more than he might justly claim, and doth of right belong to him; while the other sort mistake a Shadow for the real Substance, and prize false Coin as much as sterling Silver; as the Indians part with Gold and all they have, for Glass and Gaudy Trifles; things of no Esteem in better Judgements that understand their Value.  
Thus Fops with Noise and Tumults fill the World,  
As if that all were in Confusion hurled.  Enter Lettuce, Flavia and Julia. Lettuce. 
All our business is prosperous hitherto, and every thing is adding to our Plots beyond Belief or Expectation.  Julia. 
Thou art luckily still in what thou undertakest. I would give something to have thy Nativity calculated, and know what Planet Ruled when thou wast born.  Flavia. 
A fortunate one no doubt, all she doth is so natural; she never studies, but all her Plots flow free and easy from her, as if all she were made for were only to help the distressed and raise her Fortune to what height she pleases.  Lettuce. 
I am glad Ladies it lies in my Power to oblige you; you may be sure I'll never be wanting in my Duty: The utmost of my Skill and Study is to serve and wish I could do more.  Julia. 
With thy help we can work Miracles. You say this Afternoon they have appointed, and Modish will be here.  Lettuce. 
He hath promised my Master so; I shall get much by the Bargain; when my Master is in his Cups I must be called in I know to make 'em Sport.  Flavia. 
You must rub up your Memory for a Song to please them; for if it ben't to their Minds you will have no Commendations.  Lettuce. 
I do what I can to please you all: I dont know what you would have more of me: You can have no more than her Skin, as the old Saying is.  Flavia. 
Thou dost so much good while thou livest, 'tis a Thousand Pities thou shouldst ever die; but I expect some Good of thee before that time comes.  Julia. 
Pray let your Elder Sister be served; for she hath more Business upon her Hands already than any one Woman can turn herself to.  Lettuce. 
Pray don't fall out, I'll please you both if it be possible, one after the other: There's no time lost, I hope.  Flavia. 
I am well enough pleased; only when your Hand's in the Honeypot I would not be forgotten.  Lettuce. 
Nor shall you: but this would be an ill matter at last, if while I am making Markets for other People, my own should stick a-hand.  Julia. 
Never fear that, so long as there's Money to be had, or Chapmen to buy.  Lettuce. 
In the mean time if my Lady should turn me out of her Service, between you both I hope you will give me Houseroom till I can provide for myself, or you for me.  Julia. 
I willingly agree, and think it reasonable.  Flavia. 
And I.  Lettuce. 
Then I proceed, and make it my whole Study to bring every thing to pass to both your Satisfactions.  
The wiser sort first for themselves take Care,  
For Vows a Burden that's too great to bear.  Enter Sir Peter Lovejoy and Lady. L. Lovejoy. 
Pray S. Peter what makes you so out of humour to day? 'tis something extraordinary.  S. Peter. 
Cause enough, I have invited 3 or 4 Honest Fellows this Afternoon; nay, and they promised to come too; and when I came to examine my Cellar, my Claret's upon the fret, not drinkable: Would not this vex any man alive?  Lady. 
'Twas well you went down before they came: Now you have time to provide for them; pray who are they that are to come?  S. Peter. 
Uncle Friendly, Mr. Sparkish, Mr. Serious and Mr. Modish, all Honest Fellows and Loyal Men as live. Exit.  L. Lovejoy. 
The Name of Mr. Modish revives my Heart: You see what we Women are; the least cross Accident throws us into a melancholy Fit, the good News revives us, and you may know it by our Looks as well as by our Actions, which if Mr. Modish understands as well as I, he shall read such a Love-Lesson in my Looks, he shan't forget this Month, if his Memory be but as good as mine. but I must in and set myself off to the best advantage against their coming. Exit.  Enter Mr. Serious. Mr. Serious. 
Now I am in a fine Condition. I could not get rid of Sr. Peter without my promise to come with him this Afternoon; I am sure this is not the way to cure my Shins; 'tis well if I don't make them worse: Besides, if Women appear, I shall be laughed out of my Life.  Enter Mr. Friendly. Friendly. 
What Mr. Serious, in Doubts and Disputations with yourself? Are you not well?  Mr. Serious. 
Indifferent as to Health, but much in pain: I must use Abstinence, I know no other Remedy.  Friendly. 
Away, away: Talk of Abstinence! Give me good eating and drinking, that's a certain Cure for all Distempers: Your Kitchin-Phisick Sir there's nothing like it; your Doctors shall never get any Estate by me I'll warrant 'em.  Mr. Serious. 
Several men, several minds Sir; what's one man's meat is another man's poison, Age won't be hid: Do what we can to Cheat the World, we shall find alterations in ourselves as Age grows on.  Mr. Friendly. 
Shall we so Sir! 'Tis not long since you was of another Opinion, and venturing at Women.  Serious. 
'Twas all but talk; and to tell you as my Friend, I'll sooner venture at Hanging, were I put to my Choice; for Women are good for nothing that I know of, but to bring a man into trouble, and Laugh at him when they have done. Exit.  Enter Sir Peter, Modish, Sparkish, Serious and Friendly. Sir Peter. 
Gentlemen, pray take your feats; here is no Women that you need stand upon Compliments.  Modish. 
I like Sir Peter's free Humour; when we Visit him, we have always a hearty Welcome, and good Wine.  Sparkish. 
By the World, thou art in the right; I hate your snivelling stingy Humour that when a man of parts comes to give him a Visit, denies himself, or else brings his half Bottle of Claret his Wife and he left the day before, to entertain you with.  Friendly. 
Cousin, pray uncork a Bottle, let's taste the Wine you so much boast of; it looks well, and tastes well; this will do.  Sir Peter. 
I am glad it likes you Modish; Prithee what News abroad, what Plots, what Intrigues on Foot?  Modish. 
Mr. Serious can give the best account of Intrigues of any man I know.  Sir Peter. 
Ha, ha, ha, Faith I heard something of it by the by; prithee Serious how was it?  Mr. Serious. 
'Tis not a laughing matter Sir, to have Tricks put on men to endanger their Lives.  Sparkish. 
Prithee how man, were they Foot or Horse that robbed thee?  Serious. 
Who talks of being robbed? your Wits are a Woolgathering, if ever you had any: Pray trouble yourself with what concerns you; pay your tailor's Bill, your Chirurgeon, your Landlady for your Lodgings, your Sempstress, and the rest you deal withal, and not with me.  Sparkish. 
What, angry old Friend? I know no cause for it by the World.  Friendly. 
His Shins rage, and that makes him Testy; if you must know all, he hath lately had a Run at Blinds-mans-buff with the Ladies.  Modish. 
I'll warrant they set Joynt-Stools in his way, or some such Trick.  Sir Peter. 
Come leave quarrelling, and mind the work of the day; who pledges a Bumper?  Modish. 
Come this way Sir, if you please; your Right-hand man about, is the best way that every man may drink alike.  Sir Peter. 
Fill it away. They drink round.  Friendly. 
About with it, never let the Glass stand; we have nothing to pay in a Friend's House.  Sir Peter. 
Said like thyself i'faith, I am more beholding to thee than to all the Company; they stand sucking their Thumbs, as if I had no Wine in the House, or were unwilling to part with it, I hate such Milksops.  Modish. 
You shall have no reason of Complaint before we part; we'll have the Royal Health in a Bumper of the largest Size.  Sir Peter. 
Now I like thee, thou savourest something of a Gentleman: I am for dealing the Cards aboveboard; not like your serious Fanatic, who exclaims against Wine abroad, but will be as Drunk at home as a Woman at a Gossipping.  Sparkish. 
Come Gentlemen, since nothing else will give Sir Peter satisfaction, away with it, all hands aloft: He that denies his Glass deserves to be sewed in a Hand-Basket, sent to the County-Goal, and bound to answer it at the next Goal-delivery.  Friendly. 
He needs no other punishment; for he must plead his own Cause; a Lawyer dares not undertake it, lest he be thought to hinder the King's Revenue.  Serious. 
Right; but give me leave to tell you, if every man pleaded his own Cause, there would be less Law, and more Honesty than now adays there is.  Modish. 
Come Sir Peter call for a Beer-glass, and let the King's Health go round.  Sir Peter. 
Agreed, with All Joy to great Caesar, that every man may bear a part, and show his Loyalty by his Singing, as well as by his Drinking or Fighting; a little Mirth will make the Wine go down the better.  Enter Footboy with Beer-glasses: Fills the Glass; they all sing, All Joy to great Caesar. Sir Peter. 
Be sure every man hath his Glass: Mr. Modish, Pray let that be your Care.  Modish. 
I'll warrant you, we'll never wrong ourselves; the more we have, the Richer we are; and who would go home Poor, when he may have Riches more than enough for carrying away, and the good will of the Donor into the Bargain?  Sparkish. 
By the World, thou art in the right again; for who would disoblige an old Acquaintance for not drinking the other Bottle, and lose his Real Friend for a bare punctilio in Manners?  Sir Peter. 
Away with it Boys, I long till the Glass comes round: You are so tedious in promoting the design in hand, that a man forgets the taste of the last Glass, before another comes to his turn to drink: I love to converse with those sort of men that dispatch business when they are about it; you need never to call upon them to drink their Glass: 'Tis no sooner said but done; here's one, there's the other; you can no sooner make a Vye, but 'tis seen and doubled; there's no going away with whole Stakes, but every man's a sufferer, and all concludes in Mirth.  Friendly. 
I like your Conclusion, and was always of that mind; a little mirth, is worth a great deal of sorrow.  Modish. 
I am of Opinion, set Wine aside, nothing adds more to mirth than Women, they have for the most part agreeable Wishes, and then they Dance well; there is no being without them at a merry-meeting.  Serious. 
I have had too much of them not long since: You that have had the good Fortune to be kindly used by them may covet their Company.  Friendly. 
Never mind what he saith, but come along with me; we will fetch every Man his Woman, and Sir Peter shall sit as Judge, and see fair play.  Sir Peter. 
Agreed, bring them in Boys. Exit. Modish, Sparkish, Friendly and Serious.  Sir Peter. 
Now they are all gone, 'tis not amiss to play the good husband, and add the Remnants of Wine together; so, this will pass for a fresh Bottle.  Enter Friendly and Lady Lovejoy. Modish and Julia. Sparkish and lettuce. Serious and Flavia. Friendly. 
We have performed our promise with much ado; you see Sir Peter we have prevailed.  Sir Peter. 
Done like men of Honour; come fill them a Glass.  Lady Lovejoy. 
We beseech you Sir Peter, excuse us drinking; if you are for a Dance, we'll help you out at a dead lift.  Sir Peter. 
Stay, we are not come to that yet, I am a Cup too low; but if you will in the mean time oblige us with a Song, 'twill be very acceptable: Come Sister Juliae, I know you love to show your parts.  Julia. 
I am ready enough to betray my Imperfections, you should not ask me twice, but I have got such a Cold, and am so stuffed at my Stomach, I can hardly fetch my Breath; but Lettuce here is in good Condition, sound Wind and Limb, and fit for Service.  Lettuce. 
Your Servant Madam, I am willing to accept the offer to oblige you, and so much good Company as I see here met together, and wish I could do better.  Sir Peter. 
Come begin, we are no Critics in these matters: I am for an old Song thou knowest.  

SONG.  

1. Lettuce sings.  
Phillis for shame, let us improve a Thousand several ways.  
These few short minutes snatched by Love from many tedious days;  
Whilst you want Courage to despise the Censures of the Grave,  
For all the Tyrants in your Eyes, your Heart is but a Slave.   

2.  
My Love is full of noble pride,  
And never will submit  
To let that Fop Discretion, ride  
In Triumph over Wit..   

3.  
False Friends I have as well as you,  
Who daily Counsel me,  
Fame and Ambition to pursue,  
And leave off loving thee.   

4.  
When I the least belief bestow  
On what such Fools advise,  
May I be dull enough to grow  
Most miserably wise.    
S. Peter. 
A very pretty matter this, and well humoured, let's have one Bumper about, and then for the Dance you talk of.  Modish. 
With all my heart; the Lady's health that sung the Song. puts Gold into the Glass.  Friendly. 
Well thought on, let it go round, 'tis an obliging Health, and a Dose of Cantharideses will make the Wine relish the better, and show our Acceptance and liking to the Song.  S. Peter. 
Now set forward for a Dance.  Dance of Eight. Sr. Peter and Flavia. Sparkish and Lady Lovejoy. Serious and Julia. Friendly and lettuce. S. Peter. 
How think you Mr. Modish, was it not well performed?  Mr. Modish. 
Most excellent. You drove the World before you; never were at a stand; you had it at your Finger's ends, you needed no Instructions.  Mr. Serious. 
Come, 'tis time to break up: Let us hinder Sr. Peter and his Lady no longer from going to their rest.  Sparkish, Friendly. 
Ay, ay; let's depart every Man to his own Home. Exeunt all but Modish.  Modish. 
'Tis some satisfaction that I have had a sight of that Incomparable Beauty I so much longed to be acquainted with.  
Thus step by step we pass from Grief to Joy;  
But in an instant all our Hopes destroy.  
The End of the Third ACT.    

ACT IU.  Enter Sparkish, Tom and a Hackney Coachman. Coachman. 
PRAY Mr. don't make me wait any longer; I have lost my Fare already.  Sparkish. 
Prithee hold thy peace, thou art more importunate than a Dunning Set on a Saturday Morning: I must call at the New Bell before I go. Here Tom, find out Modish and give him that Note; tell him I shall return at Night.  Coachman. 
I'll call you, Master.  Sparkish. 
Half an Hour hence I am for you; don't grumble; I'll consider thee for thy Pains when I come to London. Exit.  Coachman. 
I believe no man in England hath such Luck as I to meet with drunken Customers: When they get into a Tavern there's no getting of them out again without a Quarrel, and then before I come by the worst of it. Well, God mend 'em I say, and send me better Fortune for the future. Exit.  Enter Sparkish and a Drawer. Sparkish. 
Where's your Master? I must see him before I go to London, and the Coach stay's.  Drawer. 
He is in bed Sir: If you please I'll show you up to him.  Sparkish. 
Do so. Exit.  Enter Tom and Modish. Modish. 
'Tis very well; if my Occasions be not too urgent I'll meet him in the Evening. Exit Tom.  Modish. 
All I can find by his Note is to let me know he is going to a Whore. This Fool takes more pains to make himself public than others do to keep themselves from the Censure of the World But take it for a general Rule, your sly pretending formal Hypocrite is the great'st Whore Master.  Enter Serious with an Infant in his Arms. Modish. 
How now Mr. Serious, what turned Nurse in your old Age? or is this one of thy Frolicks to divert thyself for an Ayer●ing after last night's Debauch.  Serious. 
Needs must when the Devil drives. I am in a Strain and know not which way to turn myself without your Advice and Assistance: I have met it seems with a fruitful Whore and here's the Effects of my Labour: What will you advise me in this Case?  Modish. 
Cut the Throat or stifel it in the next House of Office 'Tis but venturing a Swing at Tyburn: I know no quicker way to get rid of it; but you had best keep your own Counsel.  Serious. 
Pray be reserved Mr. Modish, you see I trust my Honour in your Hands as the only Friend I dare be bold withal; you are better acquainted here than I am, therefore pray advise me.  Modish. 
You are mistaken in your Man: I never have any thing to do with Women, and by that means avoid both the Trouble and Charge that attends on whoring; for if you dance you must pay your Music.  Mr. Serious. 
I know thou understandest the World, the Theoric part at least if not the practic; like some studious men in the World, who by their reading will give a better Description of the Ways and Manners of a Foreign Country, than those who have travelled out of Curiosity to learn their Language.  Modish. 
All this I grant; but I am not bound, as I take it, to make every one as wise as myself: Your Divine, if he gives you a Sermon, deserves a Reward; your Lawyer meddles not with your Cause, though never so good, without his Fee; nor will your Chirurgeon perfect your Cure without Money; nor will a Nurse take this trouble off your Hands without being satisfied how she shall be rewarded for her Care and Trouble; nor will I venture to pull the Thorn out of your Foot, and put into my own without a Reward to sweeten the Sorrow I may undergo before I get it out again  Mr. Serious. 
Thou shalt not want for Encouragement; If Gold will purchase thy Assistance I'll not be ungrateful; here's 100 Guinnea's I design to bestow on that man, be he whom he will that takes this Burden from me; this from my own Hands.  Modish. 
A shrewd Temptation; the Money is quickly earned: I'll venture on't for once; it is the first I ever undertook to see disposed of. Who knows what Luck I may have? Come what will, we shall live well while the Guinnea's last; and before they are gone I hope to see it well provided for; give me the Gold and Infant: Dad's own Eyes and Nose, as like the Father as if he had been spit out of his Mouth, as the saying is.  Mr. Serious. 
Nay the Child is well enough, and I think this the best Bargain I ever made in my life, to quit my hands of it. Fie upon whoring if this be it. Exit.  Modish. 
You see Gallants what Gold can make men do: This yellow Earth hath wrought more mischief in the World than can be numbered up; this hath prevailed on Widows, Maids and Wives, to undergo Eternal Shame and Infamy; for this the Father hath betrayed the Son, and brought upon him Mischief worse than Death, and now hath wrought on me to hide this Wretch's Shame.  
Gold saves our Lives, and it can Death procure,  
It sets men free, yet nothing binds more sure Exit.  Enter Lettuce. Lettuce. 
Upon examining my Pocket I find I am well paid for my singing, I may afford to drink Eggs and Muscadine to Clear my Voice against the next Opportunity; this comes of Diligence; I might have lain still long enough ere this would have dropped into my Mouth; but according to the old Proverb, A wagging Hand gets the Penny.  Enter Modish. Modish. 
My little Mercury of happy News, my Comfort in Distress! What News hast brought? I read a joyful Message in thy Looks.  Lettuce. 
I come to let you know the Lady is at leisure to entertain your Suit; but as I came I met your Rival Serious going to her with a quick Pace, as longing Lovers use when Opportunity presents its self; Impatient of Delay think Minutes Hours, and Hours as long as Years, nay Ages, till they compass their Designs and reach the Happiness they covet after.  Modish. 
If nothing else be in our way but he, 'tis no great matter; I have a Hank on him.  Lettuce. 
Pray Sir what is it? Remove but him, you have as free Access as can be wished.  Modish. 
In short then, for I am uneasy till I see her: I eased him of a Bastard Child this Morning, and had a 100 Guinnea's for my pains; I'll near betray my Trust; but you I know will conceal it from the World, therefore I trust you.  Lettuce. 
Be confident I'll never divulge the Secret; but I have a sudden Motion in my Mind may do me service: What think you if you should employ your Man as an Apparitor to frighten him and gain you Privacy and Freedom with her?  Modish. 
There's nothing that could be thought on better; hadst thou studied seven Years for a Plot to prevent him, this would have taken place.  Lettuce. 
I'll step and call your Man; do you instruct him how he should behave himself?  Modish. 
I'll warrant you, when you have done all there's nothing like a Woman's Wit; there's nothing comes amiss to them; I might have studied long enough for this Stratagem ere I should have thought of it; but their Genius never fails them.  Enter Stephen. Modish. 
What think you Stephen, can you counterfeit the part of an Apparitor and fright Mr. Serious out of a Distemper lately taken hold on him?  Stephen. 
You may trust me to perform a greater piece of service than that comes to. Give me a few Instructions.  Modish. 
Then know there is lately laid to him a Bastard Child, which doubtless is not his; if by this means you can divert him for an hour or two, 'twill do me service.  Stephen. 
Leave me to manage him; let me but know where to find him I'll deal with him.  Modish. 
He is now at Sir Peter Lovejoy's House, there you may find him.  Stephen. 
I'll instantly be with him; but first I'll write my Summons that must frighten him, and by that means screw something out of him, or else he'll take me for a Cheat and no Apparitor. Exit.  Modish. 
Now I may make my Visit; for besure we shall not be troubled long with him to interrupt us.  Lettuce. 
'Twill be worth seeing him in this Convulsion betwixt Love and Fear; but I must to my Post as if I were not at all concerned. Exeunt Ambo.  Enter Serious and Julia. Serious. 
I hope Madam you will pardon my Rudeness among the rest, for keeping you up so late last night; I had not been with them but only to behold your Beauty.  Julia. 
Now I am sure you flatter me; but that's the way of the Men now-adays, and you and I will be in the Fashion.  Enter Modish. Modish. 
All Happiness attend you Madam; I was passing by your Door, and could do no less than give Sir Peter my Thanks; but understand he is not within.  Julia. 
Nor his Lady neither, they are both abroad.  Modish. 
Taking their morning's Walk: A Loving Couple, love to be together.  Enter Stephen in the Habit of an Apparitor. Stephen. 
Is Mr. Serious here? Pardon my Rudeness Madam, I found the Door open, and was informed he was here.  Serious. 
What's your Business with him, Friend?  Enter Lettuce. Stephen. 
I have a little private business to him: Are you the Man Sir?  Serious. 
I am so; what's your Want?  Stephen. 
Please to walk aside; my Message is quickly delivered, pulls out the Summons I am ordered to leave that with your Worship, that's all.  Serious. 
I'll send an Answer by you: Where may I see you by and by?  Stephen. 
I am just now going to the New Bell to take Horse for London: I am in haste, Time is precious with me now. Exit.  Serious. 
I'll go with you. Madam, a good Morning to you. I have a little earnest Business must be dispatched.  Julia. 
That must not be neglected, I wish you good Success in your Affairs.  Serious. 
Your Servant Madam, Good Morrow Mr. Modish. Exit.  Modish. 
E'en Sir a good Riddance of a troublesome Companion; I think him so.  Julia. 
And I am of your Opinion; I am a year the older methinks for this little I have had of his Company.  Modish. 
I am for Company agreeable, that is, I would have the Aged with those like themselves, declining People; the Melancholy with those who are Enemies to Mirth; and the youthful with the brisk and airy; for by this equal sorting of Company all Parties would be satisfied: For as Water savours most of the last Mineral it ran through; so we retain the Remembrance of the last Company we converse withal.  Julia. 
What a Consternation of Spirit he was in! Sure the Messenger brought him some unwelcome News.  Modish. 
If we may judge of the Cause by the Effects, there's no contradicting what your Ladyship hath said; for he seemed to be in a great Agony.  Lettuce. 
He was loath to leave you Madam, but was constrained to it against his Inclination.  Julia. 
Dissembling Hypocrite, would make the World believe that all he does and says is just and honest, when he means nothing less; he sets a guilded Outside to the World, when all within is Rottenness and Stench.  Modish. 
Madam, I find you have a piercing Eye, and can discern with Ease 'twixt Truth and Falsehood; There's that within you that's Divine and Sacred, and therefore not to be imposed upon.  Julia. 
Be we as careful as we can, we are sometimes outwitted by those we least suspect.  Modish. 
But we lose Time more precious than the Wealth of both the Indies, while we discourse of such dissembling Wretches, and may employ it to much better purpose, now Opportunity presents itself, and Fortune's obliging to lend us thus much Time and Privacy.  Julia. 
You are now a Sphere above my Apprehension. I am much too young to comprehend deep Mysteries; be plain in what you say, that I may understand your Meaning.  Modish. 
Ah Madam! I want Words to tell my Story, and let you know the great Esteem and Veneration I have for your person; but could you draw aside my fleshly Curtain and view your fair Idea where 'tis seated within my Breast, above my power or skill to raze out or demolish; perhaps you would have some kind Resentments then, and bear Compassion for your suffering Slave.  Julia. 
May I believe that what you say is real?  Modish. 
Or may I ever after be suspected, and not believed when I speak greatest Truths.  Julia. 
I on these Terms accept you as a person I would sometimes converse with when Opportunity presents itself, and ease a Heart as full of Cares as yours, and full as richly fraught with virtuous Love.  Modish. 
And when you find me otherwise inclined than wholly to be acted by your Will and absolute Command, despise me as the worst of human Kind, and stigmatize me with some Mark of Infamy that I may ever be abhorred by all good meaning People, and like a place infected by the Plague be shunned by all that know me.  Julia. 
I have been the freer with you, because I expect Sir Peter and my Sister, who will disturb our Privacy. I know my Sister hath a great Esteem for you, the which I would have you cherish; it will help much to forward our Design; the rest I'll leave to your wise Management, and take my leave at present; for if my Sister finds us both together she will then suspect our Plot. Exit.  Modish. 
Like weary Travellers who have lost their Way benighted in some strange and unknown Country, espy some Light from the next Country Village, and with what speed they can they make toward it, where being refreshed with Course, but wholesome Food, forget the Labour of the fore-spent Day; so I with this small Glimpse of Happiness forget my weary Hours and restless Nights, as if they had never been.  
Thus Snowrs and Sunshine, Joy and Grief take place  
Like Night and Day which run their constant Race. Exit.  Lettuce. 
This goes as I would wish. This Couple are come already to a ●●gh● Understanding. Would her Sister were as well provided for; ●●t that's a Work of Time, nor will my Lady be a little out of sorts when she knows Mr. Modish hath been here and she missed the Sight of him; so passionate we are when any thing crosseth our Humour, and how transported with Joy when every thing hits to our Minds?  Enter Sir Peter, Lady Lovejoy and Flavia, as from walking. S. Peter. 
You are not fit to have the name of Walkers: I'll undertake in two Miles to gain one of you, and never put myself in a Disorder. Lettuce, hath any body been here since we went?  Lettuce. 
Here hath been Mr. Modish to tender his Service.  L. Lovejoy. 
What an Opportunity is here mist! But it cannot be helped, now if I should break my Heart. aside.  
This comes of your Folly. S. Peter; when you should be at home to entertain your Friend you are beating the Fields like a Setting-Dog.  S. Peter. 
Prithee ben't so passionate, we shall see him again very suddenly I'll warrant you.  L. Lovejoy. 
You warrant. I wonder how long you have been a Star gazer, you can foretell future Events so well: Never any Woman was so hampered with a conceited Coxcomb as I am with you; there's no end of your Folly: Wretched Woman that I am!  S. Peter. 
Nay pray don't weep about any thing that hath happened, we'll set all to rights again: Upon my Honour I am sorry I led thee so far; thou art weary I warrant, I cannot much blame thee.  Flavia. 
If she ben't, I am: When you get me a walking with you again it shan't be in a Morning, nor in the common Field; the next time you draw me into the Snare I'll give you leave to laugh at me and call me Fool as long as you know me. Call you me this walking? Exit.  L. Lovejoy. 
It shall learn me Wit for the future; I am so weary I know not which way to turn myself. I must in and lie down or else I shall eat no Dinner. Exit.  Lettuce. 
'Tis a strange thing you would have my Lady so far to tire her thus; for aught I know it may make her miscarry. Ex. Running  S. Peter. 
'Tis well you are as light heeled as nimble tongued, I should have been on the Bones of you else; 'twould make a Dog break his Halter to hear these two Women complain; they are soon out of Humour and as soon in again: I'll lay my life after Dinner their Tongues will run so fast a Man shan't crowd in a Word Edg-ways if he would never so fain, with them, but they will have all the Talk though it signifies no more than a black Pudding.  Enter Friendly and Sparkish. Friendly. 
What's the matter with thee Sparkish, thou look'st so dull, and rub'st thy Head this Morning; what offends thee man?  Sparkish. 
'Tis the Wine I drank last Night lies in my Head. I wonder how you rub through with it so well as you do; I am as Squeamish as a new married Woman, that's breeding her first Child; when she is in one of her breeding fits, she resolves never to have any more Children; and I in one of my sick qualms, never to drink any more Wine: But you see how quickly we break our Resolutions; the first kind proffer, and the first good Company, make us run the hazard of a disorder, though we have experienced the sad effects before.  Friendly. 
Bear up man, ne'er give way, and part good Company for the Headache, or disaffected Stomach; 'tis so Childish, I am ashamed to hear thee name it: One Bottle sets thee right again, and makes thee as sound as a Roch; there's no Medicine I know like it, 'tis beyond all the Pills in the World.  Sparkish. 
I have heard much talk of the Devil of Edmonton, but I think I met with him last Night. Well Sir, if you will bear me Company, I'll venture at a Dose of your Physic, and try what effects it will have on my weak Constitution.  Friendly. 
Come then, observe but my directions, and if I fail, let me never more be trusted in the like Case. Exeunt ambo.  Enter Modish and Sir Peter Lovejoy. Sir Peter. 
Faith Modish, I have been severely Chid for being abroad this Morning when you called; my Lady was so angry as past; but when she sees you, I hope she will be reconciled again: You must stand my Friend, and beg my pardon; for I have appointed a Meeting this Afternoon, but durst as well have been hanged as have gone, if I had not met with you.  Modish. 
I'll warrant you I'll make you Friends; since I occasioned your falling out, 'tis but reasonable I should perform that Friendly Office.  Enter Lady Lovejoy. Lady Lovejoy. 
Mr. Modish, your humble Servant; I have been telling Sir Peter a piece of my mind; for being out of the way when you called this Morning, I was afraid you would have taken distaste, and not have seen us presently again.  Modish. 
Madam, you oblige me with your Favours, which I prize more than Life: Besides, do you think I could forget my generous Friend Sir Peter, and prove ungrateful under all his kindness? Have better thoughts of your obliged Servant.  Sir Peter. 
I'll as soon suspect thy Loyalty as thy Friendship; but to satisfy my Lady of it, you must stay and Dine with us, or else all won't be right.  Modish. 
Any thing I'll yield to, rather than have my Lady disturbed, though I can ill spare time.  Lady Lovejoy. 
The Obligation is the greater that you will afford us your Company, when you have Conferences of more Moment lack your Attendance, and wait your care to manage them.  Modish. 
We must lay aside Interest, Madam, sometimes, to serve our Friends, or else we live like Savages or Hermits, without Converse and Company; we should turn wild and barbarous, not value Life nor Wealth, nor Reputation; but like the Bruits, make Herbs and Roots our Sustenance, Contemn all Laws, and be each other's prey.  Sir Peter. 
Said like thyself i'faith, there is nothing like Peace and Quietness when all is done: I hate to hear of Wars and Tumults; Sedition and Rebellion, are things I abominate; 'tis against my Natural Inclination, to see our Trainbands in Arms once a year when they are mustered. I'll warrant you, my Heart would not have served me to have seen the Camp at Hounslow, if any Man would have given me 100 Guinea's.  L. Lovejoy. 
Well said Goodman Wiseacre, if you are so Hen-hearted, can't you keep it to yourself, and not make all the World acquainted with it?  S. Peter. 
Soft and fair Mrs. Prate-a-pace, since the King hath been pleased to give me the Title of Knighthood, methinks you might give me the Title of Gentleman; 'tis an Affront to Authority, and give me leave to tell you, I don't see how you will answer it before your Betters.  L. Lovejoy. 
You had best turn Informer; 'tis the best employment I know of for you: His Majesty is well helped up with such Justices of the Peace as you are: There's too many such, God help us, makes us at that pass we are at; they will Acquit a Man for House-breaking, and Commit a Man to Goal for taking a lawful Course for what's his own.  S. Peter. 
Well, if you were not my Bosom-Friend, this should not pass unpunished; but we forget our Dinner, that will be spoiled while we stand trifling our time away.  Ex. S. Peter, L. Lovejoy & Modish. Enter Friendly and Sparkish. Friendly. 
How think you now of my way of Curing the Headache?  Sparkish. 
I like well enough of it; 'tis soon done, and not very Chargeable, a Shilling's the most it Costs: Who would not give that for such a Refreshment?  Friendly. 
'Tis as certain a Cure for the Headache, as your Jesuits Powder for an Ague: I have tried all Experiments, and find nothing like it.  Sparkish. 
It hath one ill property that I know of, it sets a Man in for all day, if he like his Company.  Friendly. 
Who would not bear with a small Inconveniency to get rid of a dolorous Pain? the Headache is as bad or worse than Teethach, and that they say will make a Dog run mad.  Sparkish. 
Your Physic makes a Man wanton; e'en like Opium, it sets a Man a dosing that he never feels his Pain and knows not whether he be sick or well.  Friendly. 
Other Physic makes a Man sick before it works, and that I think no body likes; besides, 'tis expected you should keep your Chamber with it; this requires no such Observances, but you are at your Liberty, free and unconfined; it adds a Beauty to the Face, and makes a Man look as fresh as a Rose in June.  Sparkish. 
It makes a Man bold I know, and do that which is most against the Bias of his Will and Inclination at another time: Thus Alexander killed his Friend in his Wine; an Act which could he have recalled again, he would have given his new vanquished World, and thought it well bestowed.  Friendly. 
I have o'er stayed my time; come, will you walk, and as we go we'll end this hot Debate. Exit Friendly and Sparkish  Enter Lettuce and Modish. Lettuce. 
I knew she would try your Patience before you got lose from her; for all her Pretensions I would not be a handsome young Gentleman in her way when she is in the Humour, for more than I will speak of.  Modish. 
She is as unreasonable as a losing Gamester; there's no parting with her without a Quarrel; whatsoever Man's Occasions be, she will be first served under penalty of losing her Favour for the future. Mrs. Lettuce, is there no seeing Madam Julia?  Lettuce. 
At Eight a Clock this Evening if you come I'll so contrive it you shall be in private with her, till then farewell. Ex. Lettuce.  Modish. 
This Woman, my Lady as you call her, hath put me in a Heat with her Clack; she will have six Words to your one, make the best use of your time you can; 'tis an Egyptian Slavery to keep her Company.  Enter Sparkish. Sparkish. 
Modish your Servant; I have been enquiring for you in all your Haunts, and could not hear of you to acquaint you with my good fortune. I have received a Challenge from a person of Honour to meet her this Evening, Eight the time, a clear Stage, and no Quarter to be given on either side, and without Seconds Boy.  Modish. 
At this rate you may, for all I know, be glad to turn Child again, and cry kings-truce for a breathing while; you take like Tinder and are transported with the Thoughts of your hot Engagement like a raw Soldier, nothing but Fire and Faggot will content you; but after an Engagement or two, he fights with Moderation, keeps Rank and File and comes up with his Leader.  Sparkish. 
I question not to come off with flying Colours: How malicious thou art, because thy cross Fate will not afford thee one happy Day in a year, thou wouldst have every body else under the like Circumstances: I hate such ill-humoured snarling Companions; and so I leave you to fret in your Grease, till you return to a better Humour. Exit.  Modish. 
I'll lay my life this Appointment is one of Lettice's contriving, to keep her Lady employed while we are together in the Evening; how fond the Fool is of it!  
Both Plants and Trees their certain Season know,  
Rise with the Sun and wither when 'tis low;  
Beasts their appointed time to seek their Prey,  
They range all Night, and to their Dens at Day:  
Yet Man the Lord of all, that's here below  
Courts Care and Toil, and will no time bestow  
To ease his restless and disturbed Mind;  
Courts what is bad, and leaves what's good behind.  
The End of the Fourth ACT.   

ACT V.  Enter S. Peter Lovejoy, Friendly and Modish. Friendly. 
AS positive as you are S. Peter, I am not bound to pin my Faith upon any man's Sleeve in the World, neither will I be persuaded to act against my Reason, except you can bring better Arguments for what you have affirmed, than I can against it; I won't be bubled out of that little Sense I have left me.  S. Peter. 
What Argument would you have me undertake to gratify your Curiosity? I'll use my weak Endeavours to give you satisfaction, if that will do.  Friendly. 
Pray then make good, if you can, your Maxim, that you are always forcing upon People to make them believe there's no Whore after Marriage.  Modish. 
If he makes that Argument good, it will go a great way in reconciling the World, and he will perform a friendly Office to the Public.  S. Peter. 
To the Point in hand then. First I would know if you take our Lawmakers to be wise and considerate men or no.  Friendly. 
No doubt they were so; who denies that is to blame.  Modish. 
Beyond all contradiction, there's no denying it.  S. Peter. 
That granted you go a great way in confirming my Argument; for I find by my reading, that there can be no Bastard born in Wedlock, therefore no Whore after Marriage. What have ye to say against it Gentlemen?  Modish. 
As I live the Knight speaks reason, deny it who can; I am convinced.  Friendly. 
On my word I cannot contradict what he saith, nor will I go about it.  S. Peter. 
Nay 'tis but a Folly, having granted the Premises, to go about to deny the Conclusion. Let Reason rule you; and though it be a vulgar Error which I have here confuted, sit down satisfied there are thousands mistaken besides yourself, which I hope in a short time to convince and make sensible of their Error.  Modish. 
But in this case where the Husband is beyond the Seas your Argument will not hold good, the Law is expressly against you.  S. Peter. 
Right, but there our Lawmakers were unbiased; for is it reasonable because the Husband is beyond the Seas the Wife should lose her teeming? Besides she doth it out of mere necessity, and against that you know there is no Law.  Friendly. 
As I live well answered; he hath both Sense and Reason on his side, and against that there is no disputing.  S. Peter. 
This is nothing but what is common that I have made out to you; but I hear the Virtuoso's are about a Project, which if it take effect, will be worthy their Pains and Labour, and very beneficial to the World.  Modish. 
What may it be S. Peter, if a man may inquire without offence, this use you speak of?  S. Peter. 
I find you are out at Mystery; sure you converse with none but thick-sculed Fellows you hear not of it; why they have undertaken, nay upon the matter brought it to perfection too, to make a Man a Woman.  Friendly. 
An excellent Project this. But how is it so beneficial to the World as you talk of?  S. Peter. 
There you are short again of your Comprehension: How many great Estates have been lost for want of an Heir?  Modish. 
This doth not at all mend the matter, the making a Man a Woman; it had been something to have made a Woman a Man, that might have been of use where an Heir Male had been wanting.  S. Peter. 
That's implied, if they compass the one the other comes of Course; for 'tis less trouble to make a Woman a Man, than 'tis to make a Man a Woman.  Modish. 
I acquiesce Sir, and modestly submit to better Judgements.  Friendly. 
But if this Argument prevails among us, where are all the Cuckolds and Witals the World hath so much talked of? There are no such Creatures; 'tis strange we should be thus imposed upon, and swallow it for a Truth for divers Ages.  S. Peter. 
Why they are agreed, and gone a different Voyage, the Witals to seek the Phoenix in Arabia, and the Cuckolds the Unicorn in the Isle of Pines.  Friendly. 
Say you so Sir, then without doubt at their Return, they will make a saving Voyage of it; for a Phoenix and an Unicorn will be worth the seeing, being such Rarities as were never yet seen, tho much talked of; they must of necessity gain abundance of Wealth by them.  S. Peter. 
No doubt of it, when these things come to pass they need not want Money; for I look upon a Wital or a Cuckold, to be as strange, or a stranger sight than the Unicorn or Phoenix, and may as soon be found: But I have Affairs in hand which must not be neglected, and therefore must beg your Pardon for leaving you thus abruptly. Exit Sir Peter.  Friendly. 
On my word, the Knight argues Reason, and by his Reading finds we are imposed upon, and frankly undeceives the ignorant, and deserves Commendations for his Care. I find we still may learn, though we live never so long. Exit.  Modish. 
This Fool takes all the other says for Oracles. How some are imposed upon, and yield to things incredible and nonsense; and are prevailed upon to own Absurdities and Contradictions, both to Sense and Reason? By which we may see, there are Bigots in Opinions as well as in Religion; while sober Men abandon all such. Follies, and laugh at those that are deluded by them.  
The Ignorant are thus abused and galled  
By those, whose business is to Cheat the World.  Enter Julia, and after her Lettuce singing. 

1.  
Lettuce. Since we poor slavish Women know,  
Our men we cannot pick and choose,  
To him we love we say him no,  
And both our time and labour lose.  
By our put-off's and fond delays  
A lover's Appetite we palls,  
And if too long the Gallant stays,  
His Stomach's gone for good and all.   

2.  
Or our impatient Amorous Guest,  
Unknown to us away may steal,  
And rather than stay for a Feast,  
Take up with some course homely Meal:  
When Opportunity is kind,  
Let prudent Women be so too;  
And if the Man be to her mind,  
Be sure she do not let him go.   

3.  
The Match soon made is happiest still,  
For Love has only there to do;  
Let no one marry 'gainst her Will,  
But stand off when her Parents woo:  
And to the Suitor be not Coy,  
For she whom Jointure can obtain,  
To let a Fop her Bed enjoy,  
Is but a lawful Wench for Gain.   Julia. 
Well thou art as mad a Lass as ever I met withal; fall Back, fall Edge thou art always merry.  Lettuce. 
Hang Sorrow, Care will kill a Cat, there's nothing gained by thinking, I say; it only brings People into Distempers: From a melancholy thinking Life I still pray to be delivered.  Julia. 
And may'st thou have thy Wish I say: But how have you ordered Matters for our Meeting to night in private, as you promised?  Lettuce. 
Well enough I'll warrant you: I have provided my Lady a Companion, which if she parts with presently, I have lost my Aim and she her old Want; when they are together we are secure for a short Space of time; I Song you the old Song to put you in mind of what you are going about, that you forget not to make use of your Time, for that's a precious Commodity as the World goes.  Julia. 
I deserve, if I lose such an Opportunity as this, to be balked ever after, and not so much as pitied by thee or any body else.  Lettuce. 
Come will you move toward your Chamber to receive him when he comes? I'll take that care of you to bring you together, and leave you to agree the matter between yourselves.  Exit Julia. Enter Sparkish. Sparkish. 
Your Servant Lady, is my Lady Lovejoy within?  Lettuce. 
Yes Sir, that Door will bring you to the Room where she is waiting your Coming. Exit Sparkish.  
So, there's one Couple provided for according to their wish; my next care is for the young Couple to see them fitted to their Minds.  Enter Modish. Modish. 
My Guide, my Convoy, now I see thee I am safe; I commit myself wholly to thy Care and Management.  Lett. 
I should fit him finely now, if I should send him to yonder Couple in the Parlour; but that would so discourage him he would not look a Woman in the Face this Month, and by that time my Charge above stairs would pine herself to death. If you please to take the pains to walk up stairs, the first Room on the Right-Hand you will find the Lady you look for; pray be brief, and let's have none of your Canterbury Stories; make use of your Time.  Modish. 
As near as I can I will observe your Directions; but still I am of that Philosopher's mind, who blamed Nature, and not without a Cause, who had given Man so long a Lesson and so short a time to learn it in. Exit.  Lettuce. 
How eagerly he pursues that which now he counts his Happiness! Like Children who are for the present fond of Trifles, but straight grow weary of them, and the next pleasing Object makes them quite forgotten; so some years hence discourse this eager Lover, he will tell you then that Marriage is a burden too hard for him to bear, and I who am now respected and rewarded for my Service, may then lie under the bitterest Curses that Malice can invent.  
Before Enjoyment Women Angels seem▪  
But afterwards they are of no Esteem:  
Among our Gallants Mistresses are so Common,  
They hate the name of Wife or Civil Woman. Ex.  Enter Friendly and Serious. Friendly. 
Thou art always upon Extremes, sometimes nothing but a Woman can please thee, at another time, the very sight of a Woman puts thee into a disorder: Is there no mien between Loving and Loathing? But good Counsel is thrown away upon such obdurate men as thou art. Exit.  Serious. 
Now I have the liberty to steer my Course which way I like best, it must be after the Female Sex still, though I have suffered so deeply by them: I may talk of Religion, but that serves only to blind the World. Exit.  Enter Ralph. Ralph. 
I have been in all the likeliest places hereabouts, to find this Master of mine, but can hear no News of him; he's got into some blind Corner or other with a Female Sinner: It is a strange thing nothing will Cure him of this Itch of Lechery; for he hath been used badly enough by that sort of Creatures, and to my knowledge is under Cure for his third Clap: But I must not give over hunting till I find him, and see him safe in his Lodging. Exit.  Enter Sparkish, leading in Lady Lovejoy. Sparkish. 
Madam, the Obligations you have now laid on me, binds me for ever your devoted Servant; when shall I be thus blessed again? Dear Madam, such Ravishing Delights as pass belief, dwell ever in your Eyes, and in your Face a Thousand Charms are moving; the least of which hath force enough to revive Nature settled on the Lees, and turn old Age to Youth.  L. Lovejoy. 
Sir, You are maker of your own good Fortune; if you style this your Happiness, 'tis in your power to give a da●e to Love, and make it short or lasting, as you please; I am but like a Dial in Tempestuous Wether, of no use till you the Sun appear.  Sparkish. 
If I may have my wish, we will lose no time, but Husband it still to promote our Happiness, that after Ages envying our Felicity, shall take their Measures from us, and Copy what we leave fairly Written.  L. Lovejoy. 
'Tis still the fate of Lovers to be at first extremely fond and Courtlike, till time that altars all things, makes us Common and Cheap to one another; if not, Age won't be hid; and than what seemed so fair and lovely to us, is defaced and blotted▪ like Garments out of Fashion, not regarded; so Love, as Age grows on, declines, and nauseates what before it most longed after.  Sparkish. 
With sickly Appetites all nourishment is loathsome, but you have Charms that still create more liking, and add a Lustre to your heavenly Form, which Captivates at sight.  Enter Lettuce. Lettuce. 
Madam, I hear my Master in the Street, he is coming home; I thought it part of my Duty to give your Ladyship notice.  L. Lovejoy. 
'Tis well done, go to Bed, I'll let your Master in▪ Your absence will now be necessary.  Sparkish. 
Madam, Your Servant.  L. Lovejoy. 
That Door will lead you the Backway out; your Servant Sir, good Night. Ex. Sparkish.  
By this means I may make a Discovery, and see what humour my Knight is in when he is Top and Top-Gallant; for being faulty myself, makes me have a mighty suspicion of other People.  Knocking without, L. Lovejoy blows out the Candle, then opens the door. Enter Sir Peter. Sir. Peter. 
Well Lettuce, Is thy Mrs. safe?  L. Lovejoy. 
Whist, Whist.  Sir Peter. 
Nay, I can be as silent as any body if that will do; march on though it be dark, I shall make some shift or other to follow my Leader.  Enter Modish leading in Julia, Lettuce following them. Modish. 
Transporting Joys are always short and fleeting, not permanent and durable; the satisfaction scarce balances the loss of parting with them; your beauteous form hath made such deep Impression in me, that wanting you I want my better part, and can no more reach Happiness without you, than Fruit in Autumn ripens without Sunshine.  Julia. 
This is no time for long Discourses Sir, the Night's far spent, and I am indisposed, and much disordered.  Lettuce. 
Come Sir, Face to the Right, and follow your Leader: I'll conduct you out, 'tis time to part.  Modish. 
And must we part? Farewell till next we meet, thou Beauteous Soul: Eternal Love wait and attend upon thee. Exit.  Julia. 
The thoughts of future happiness still make us undergo the greatest Slavery and Servitude without Repining; but slighted once, nothing exceeds the malice of a Woman.  
We Love beyond belief, but if men prove  
Once false, our hatred far exceeds our Love.  Enter Lettuce. Lettuce. 
So, with much ado they are separated; had I let them alone this month together, the last Tune would have been Loath to depart: The truth of it is, I should be of the same mind, were the Case my own, as now 'tis theirs.  
Love knows no Bounds, and moves no common Way,  
An Age with Lovers seems but a short day. Exit.  Enter Flavia. Flavia. 
When every bodies turn is served, it may be I may be remembered, for 'twould be hard to lie alone all my life-time; but afterwards to lead Apes, is a thing I abhor the thoughts of.  Exit. Enter Lady Lovejoy, and Sir Peter following her. L. Lovejoy. 
Urge me no more, you know I am in my Nature reconcilable, and therefore you use me as you do.  Sir Peter. 
Thou art as Waspish this Morning, as the Barber that killed his Horse, because he would not stand to be trimmed.  Lady Lovejoy. 
You are as void of Sense as the Woman, that because her Gallant turned her off, discovered the Intriegue to her Husband, and made a Westminster business of it.  Sir Peter. 
I think Edmonton Air hath made thee sharp-witted; you are so quick at Repartee, there's no speaking to you.  L. Lovejoy. 
There is no Air will alter you from what you are: A dull Drone, that cannot make a Warrant without the Statute-Book, nor a Mittimus without the help of your Clerk, forsooth.  S. Peter. 
Prithee be not so angry, we have all our failings; thou know'st we must bear with small faults.  Enter Lettuce. L. Lovejoy. 
Here's another that creates me trouble hourly, but I'll quit my hands of her: Lettuce, I would have you provide yourself of a place, for I find you are not for my turn, therefore pray pack up, and be moving: There's what is due to you.  gives her money. Lettuce. 
Short warning, I would gladly know the Cause.  L. Lovejoy. 
'Tis enough I will have it so.  S. Peter. 
She hath been a good Servant to thee; don't turn her away for a small fault.  L. Lovejoy. 
You may do what you please with your Men, pray let me alone with my Maids.  Lettuce. 
Your Servant Madam, I can dispose of myself without giving you a further trouble.  L. Lovejoy. 
Stay, and take that along with you: gives her money. I earned that last Night for you; you had had it then, 'twas designed for you, but being gone to Bed you missed of it; and I should be as unjust as you, should I defraud you.  S. Peter. 
Sits the Wind in that Door? then 'tis time for me to be moving, for fear of an after-Reckoning; in a little time her heat will be over. Exit Sir Peter.  L. Lovejoy. 
You see by this, and find by daily experience, that your sly pretending Coxcomb, who one would think, had neither Life nor Soul in him, will be as sweet on a Whore in a Corner, as the daring Hector, who makes it his business to Debauch himself and others; yet I am still of the Opinion, your half-witted Men make the best Husbands, because they are fittest to be imposed upon, and may be wrought into what Form we best like of.  
We Marry that our Loves may settled be,  
Yet nothing pleases like Variety.  Enter Julia, Flavia and Lettuce. Lettuce. 
Ladies, You see at last I am deserted by my Lady, who have made it my whole employment to serve you to the utmost of my power, but am now out of a Capacity to serve you further.  Julia. 
There can be nothing laid to thy Charge by us; we must own thou hast been diligent in thy Office: But you must finish the work you have begun, or we are in a worse Condition than ever.  Flavia. 
If she leaves us now in this perplexing doubt, 'tis Inhumanity beyond Example.  Lettuce. 
Ladies I would not have you despair, but be assisting in contriving your own good Fortune; there shall be nothing wanting in me to forward it, if it be in my power.  Julia. 
Set us but in the way; then, if we follow not thy Directions the fault lies at our Door, not yours.  Flavia. 
Do but tell us what we shall do to attain what you have so successfully hitherto carried on, and leave us to perform it.  Lettuce. 
If I must still be concerned in your Affair I'll try my Skill; I think this Plot may take: 'Tis Madam Julia that they all adore, but can but one possess her; therefore to carry on our Design she must promise them all fair to draw them into the snare of Matrimony, upon this condition, that they shall be content to be married after the Masquerading way, in a Disguise; for by that means we may all be provided for to our wish; for Mr. Sparkish desires this day to court her for his Wife; the other two you know have long been Suitors: This will be no great Task to undergo; and this performed we gain what we desire.  Julia. 
True Lettuce, still thy Plots are laid above the reach of Fate to frustrate or prevent.  Lettuce. 
Now I'll leave you and possess Modish with our Stratagem, and leave the rest to you. Exit.  Julia. 
Now Sister what remains, but that we carry on this Plot with Secrecy so happily begun?  Flavia. 
It must of force be prosperous; you shall have Modish: let Sparkish be my Prize, and leave the old dissembling Lecher Serious for lettuce to convert.  Julia. 
Agreed, and all are satisfied.  
Where differing Humours meet there's always Strife;  
But all Contentment in a married Life. Exeunt Ambo.  Enter Sparkish and Julia. Sparkish. 
As I have used your Brother's House, I still observed that Sweentness in your Carriage and such transcendent Beauty in your Face as cannot be resisted; what I have said of you, is not▪ strange but common, being the Talk and wish of all Beholders.  Julia. 
In Raillery and Jest, not Earnest sure.  Sparkish. 
Such Divine Forms as yours, are rather to be worshipped and adored than made our Mirth and Pastime.  Julia. 
Now you betray the worst of Natures, Flattery, and think I take what you speak in Raillery, for real Truth.  Sparkish. 
You wrong me much, my Heart and Tongue agree: I heard by chance that Modish long had wooed you, which brought me now to know if my small service and the Love I owe you may be accepted with you.  Julia. 
Would you be so unkind to wrong your Friend and prove his Rival in the Choice he hath made?  Sparkish. 
Would I not? What is't I would not do to gain your Favour? Make me a promise that I shall enjoy you, impose what 'ere you will I'll undergo it with as much Willingness as I would eat or drink to strengthen and support decaying Nature.  Julia. 
In that Sir I'll never promise any man, but am resolved who 'ere I marry it shall be in a Disguise; and that you may know I have no Aversion for your Person I'll make you of my Council: To Morrow I design to alter my Condition, if you dare venture to take your Lot or Chance; I am tied to make no further Discovery, you may. I will provide a Noncon shall join us, for here will be two more of the same Humour to marry in Disguises: Now if you dare to venture, so; if not, farewell. Exit.  Sparkish. 
Come what may come I'll venture, for I am acquainted with her Sister and Lettuce too, by which means I may inform myself as to her Garb and Dress that I mistake not this great Concern and hug a Cloud for Juno.  Enter Lettuce. Sparkish. 
I was just coming to find you out about a matter that concerns me much, my Happiness depends upon it.  Lettuce. 
If I can serve you you know you may command me to my power.  Sparkish. 
Know then to Morrow is the time appointed: I am to take my Choice unsight unseen, as the saying is: Now if by any means you can inform me which of the three is Julia, for so many there is to be provided for, you'll eternally oblige me.  Lettuce. 
It happens so that I am of the Council, and therefore can inform you; but am obliged to Secrecy, and 'tis not generous to betray my Trust, nor can I.  Sparkish. 
Here's Gold for thy Reward; give me some private Mark to know her by is all I ask.  Lettuce. 
If I may counsel you, take the middlemost as they stand together; you need no more direction.  Sparkish. 
A word's enough to the wise: What Luck had I to think of this kind Creature to direct me! Exit.  Lettuce. 
Now will he be cozened as the Dog who thought he had been going to Breakfast, and was going to be hanged. But 'tis no matter, what she designed for him will be good enough and too good without he were better.  
Who knows, when married, but his roveing Mind  
May keep one centre and to one prove kind. Exit.  Enter Friendly and Serious Friendly. 
A pretty Frolic this, to be married Incognito, as they call't; but were I concered they should look the Bridegroom where they could find him for me; this is like buying a Pig in a Poke, as the old saying is. Well I would have you as my Friend to look before you leap; they will put some Trick upon you, you had best take heed.  Serious. 
No, no, I am safe enough for that; I have a private Mark to know her by; besides I have undergon so much to gain her Favour as might fill a small Romance; and do you think she will after all deceive me? You wrong her much to start this Question Sir, and me in harbouring such hard Thoughts of her, and were you not my Friend, I should as old as I am, demand satisfaction of you for the Affront offered.  Friendly. 
I only put the Worst, the Best will help itself; and if for this you are angry you may turn the Buckel of your Girdle behind you, for any thing I care.  Enter Sir Peter Lovejoy. S. Peter. 
What angry one with another? Let's know the Cause: I'll make you Friends again or it shall cost me all the Money in my Pocket.  Friendly. 
The matter is not worth the speaking of, Mr. Serious can inform you if he pleases the Reason of our Difference.  Mr. Serious. 
I'll as soon be hanged, cant a Man speak a hasty Word but it must presently be brought upon the Stage? I have no Quarrel with any man living that I know of, so be satisfied.  S. Peter. 
I am very well satisfied there is no difference between you; for my part you are both my Friends and therefore was concerned.  Friendly. 
'Twas kindly offered. Where do you dine to day, At home or abroad?  S. Peter. 
At Tom's, where Modish gives a Venison Pastry, where I am sure your Company will be as acceptable as any that's there.  Friendly. 
I guess no less and shall be glad to wait on you. What say you Mr. Serious?  Serious. 
I think to meet you there, but have some Business of importance must be dispatched first, than I am for you Gentlemen.  S. Peter. 
Well, we'll expect you Sir. Come Uncle we'll in and drink our Mornings-draught, and then set forwards. Ex. omnes.  Enter Julia, Flavia and Lettuce disguised on one side. Modish, Sparkish and Serious on the other side. Modish. 
This World's a Lottery; where still the least deserving are most prosperous, and the best natured, meet the most Misfortunes. Besides, we are imposed upon, for to one Prize you will find a thousand Blanks; yet like frank Gamesters still we will be pushing and urge Ill Fortune to our overthrow, still in pursuit of that which must torments us, and part with all our Faculties at once to follow what another shall think equal.  Sparkish. 
By the World thou art in the right, for in this case there can but one possess the Lovely Julia, the other two must take what's left; you are contented I first make my Choice.  Serious, Modish. 
We are.  Sparkish. 
Then here I fix, and laugh to see you Two deceived and cheated, while I possess the beauteous Julia, in whose Arms I'll sport myself and dare Ill Fortune to disturb my Peace.  Serious. 
I smile to see how confident the Fool is, but I am on sure ground, and here I make my Choice, and think myself as happy as Conquering Soldiers laden with their Spoils, or Shipwrecked Men just landed.  Modish. 
Then what remains, but that I take this Lady, and fancy her to be the Heavenly Julia? Now to the Priest, who stays in the Dining-Room, where joined, we then shall know our certain Dooms, who we are tied to lead our Lives withal. Exeunt.  Enter Sir Peter Lovejoy, Lady Lovejoy and Friendly. S. Peter. 
A Masquerading say you? I thought that had been out of Fashion.  Friendly. 
In short Sir, they are both gone to be married, and Lettuce with them; she's to have a Husband too among them.  L. Lovejoy. 
Sir Peter, you have managed your matter finely, to let them be disposed of unknown to you.  S. Peter. 
Tricks of youth, tricks of youth: Girls will have their Frolicks.  Enter Serious leading Lettuce, Sparkish leading Flavia, Modish leading in Julia. Serious. 
I beg your pardon Sir Peter, for marrying your Sister without your Consent.  Sir Peter. 
What Sister?  Serious. 
Julia. Lettuce pulls off her Mask.  Lettuce. 
Lettuce if you please, for so I think they call me.  Serious. 
What, Cheated! Put upon!  Sparkish. 
Then I must beg your excuse, for making bold without your leave, with your Beauteous Sister Madam Julia.  Sir Peter. 
hay day, how many Julia's shall we have? Sure they drop out of the Clouds there is so many of them.  Flavia. 
Prepare you to see a Face, though not so Beauteous, yet as true as Julia's. pulls off her Mask  Sparkish. 
Tricks as I live! By the World, as Modish says, I think the World is a Lottery; but we are got among Prizes, I see no Blanks.  Modish. 
Then sure the faithful Julia is my Wife; for yet she is concealed: Come push aside this Cloud, and show thy Beauty.  Julia 
Then be it as you wish, you have your Julia, and I the Man I love above the World.  Modish. 
Come Gentlemen, let discontent be banished from all Faces, and only Joy appear: You know the old Proverb is, Marriage and Hanging goes by destiny. Come, the Venison Pastry is ready by this time: Let's Laugh it out, and make a merry day on't.  Sir Peter. 
First satisfy this good Company how you like your Morning's Work, and then we are for you.  Sparkish. 
Agreed: Come Mr. Serious, you were married first, and are the most likeliest to find fault, therefore pray lead the way.  Serious advancing with Lettuce, 
By me you may perceive as Age grows on,  
How we poor Animals are put upon:  
Of a bad Chance, 'tis well it proves no worse,  
I doubt not but she will make a careful Nurse.  Sparkish advanceth with Flavia, 
Tho Choosed by Madam Julia, yet I find  
Great satisfaction in my roving Mind:  
This Flavia proves as Chaste as Babes new born,  
And sweet as Rosebuds in a Summer Morn.  Modish advances with Julia, 
My Joys too great in words to be expressed.  
In faithful Julia I am double blessed:  
Fortune hath made amends for all her Spite;  
Thus after Darkness we rejoice at Light.  Sir Peter advanceth with Lady Lovejoy, 
Since all seem satisfied, why should not we  
With Mirth and Joy conclude this Comedy;  
Forget what's past, and let this happy Night  
Conclude all Quarrel, and set all things Right.  Friendly to the Company, 
Could we but hope that you were pleased, we then  
Should rest satisfied, like happy Men;  
Who what this World affords, they do possess;  
But your dislike is our unhappiness.    

The EPILOGUE.  
CUSTOM prevails, and you expect we know  
To hear an Epilogue before you go.  
Our Poet finds your Appetites are nice,  
And dares not rule, but gives you this Advice;  
Be governed by the Learned in the Laws,  
Who before Judgement always try the Cause,  
And afterward, if for the first Offence,  
In gentle and kind Terms express their Sense  
In hopes of the Offenders Reformation▪  
At lest they will allow him Transportation,  
Such is the Goodness of our English Nation.  
Then why should you, who here as Judges sit;  
Count all but Dross that is not like your Wit?  
Wit may be Wit, though not so finely dressed,  
As Sense without an Oath may be expressed.  
Pray tell me Gallants, is the Face the worse  
Because the Garments Country like and Course?  
You are for Beauties, as you are for Wits,  
Nothing but what's Extreme your Fancy fits.  
He that writ best never could please you long,  
Sometimes your Humour▪ lies towards a Song;  
But that must be well worded, and refined,  
Thus various are the Motions of your Mind,  
As Fishmongers say by their Wares, the Play  
And Poet too are fresh and new as they.  
Novelties use to please you, but of late  
Nothing will do, such is your cruel Fate:  
We court your Love, but still we meet our Hate.  
If you resolve still to be so severe  
Thus few will try their Wits to treat you here,  
But spend what's left, where Men more kind will prove  
At least they will return us Love for Love.  
They're void of Care and Strife we'll spend our Days  
In Love and Friendship, and ne'er think of Plays.  
'Tis the first Fault, and therefore Sirs be kind,  
And let the Play a kind Reception find.  
FINIS