THE Bragadocio; OR, THE Bawd turned Puritan: A NEW COMEDY.  
By a Person of Quality.  
Quantum mutata ab illâ  
Religionis Velamen omnia scelera tegit.  
Licenced,  
J. F.  
LONDON, Printed for Richard Baldwin, near the Oxford-Arms in Warwick-Lane, 1691.   

Dramatis Personae:  
Bragadocio, or Bravado 
A Triumphing Coward, but a great Pretender to Courage, and proud to be thought a Debauchee.  Sir Popular Jealous— 
A Seditious Magistrate, that Patronises the People only to serve his own ends os 'em.  Shuffle— 
Naturally of good Principles, but forced to Countenance the Faction through Necessity.  Roman— 
A Gentleman of a low Fortune, but very Honourable.  Sir Credulous Trinket— 
One that knows nothing of the World; inclined to Melancholy, and always Freikish, and Superstitious.  Flush— 
Of good Parts, but a rambling,  Blade; and rails against his University through Discontent.  Toper— 
Flush's Companion, but a mere Sot.  Jeffry— 
Sir Credulous's Servant.  Gullman— 
An old Bawd that deserts her Vocation, and sets up for a Fortune; Married to Sir Popular.  Juliana— Carolietta— 
Neices to Sir Popular.  Amazonia— 
Toper's Wife, a Virago that Tyrannises over her Husband, only to serve herself of Opportunities to Cuckold him.  Faith— 
Gullman's Woman, a Disciplined Baggage.   
A Jeweller, a Quack, a Milliner, a Solicitor, a Pimp, a Carrier, a Coffee-Man, Bullies, Sergeants, Tradesmen, and Attendants.  
SCENE, London.   

ADVERTISEMENTS.  
Books lately Printed, and Sold by Tho. Salusbury, at the Sign of the Temple, near Temple-Barr in Fleetstreet.  
THe History of the Late Great Revolution in England and Scotland, with the Causes and Means by which it was Accomplished. Together with a Particular Account of the Extraordinary Occurrences which happened thereupon. As likewise the Settlement of both the Kingdoms under their Most Serene Majesty's King William and Queen Mary. Price 5 s.  
The Safety of France to Monsieur the Dauphin: Or, the Secret History of the French King. Proving to his Son that there is no other way to secure France from approaching Ruin, but by Deposing his Father for a Tyrant and Destroyer of his People.  
The Art of Brewing Beer, Ale, and other sorts of Liquors, so as to render them more healthful to the Body, and agreeable to Nature, and to keep them longer from souring, with less Trouble and Charge than generally practised, which will be a means to prevent those torturing Distempers of the Stone, Gravel, Gout, and Dropsy.  
A Collection of many Wonderful Prophecies, relating to the English Nation; Plainly Foretelling the late Great Revolution, and Happy Settlement of this Kingdom; his present Majesty's Successes in Ireland, and particularly his Victory at the Boyne, and the Action at Sea betwixt both Fleets; with other very Remarkable Things not yet come to pass.  
Miscellany Poems, viz. 1. Remarks on the Death of King Charles the II. 2. On the Succession of King James the II. 3. Upon Faith. 4. Upon Patience. V Upon Ambition. VI To the University of Oxford. VII. The Soul to a Good Conscience. VIII. The Soul to a Bad Conscience.  
The Declaration and Manifesto of the Protestants of the Valleys of Piedmont, called the Vaudois, to all Christian Princes and States, of the Reasons of their taking up Arms just now against the Duke of Savoy. And why they have put themselves under the Protection of William, King of Great Britain, and of the Evangelic Cantons of Switzerland.   

ACT I.  

SCENE, Shuffle ' s Lodging.  Enter Flush, and Shuffle. Shuf. 
BUT d'ye resolve, say you, never to visit the University again?  Flush. 
— Not till Idleness and Hypocrisy be as much out o' fashion as Learning;— I'll sooner herd with Savages in a Desert, where hungry Nature's the sole Tutoress.  Shuf. 
— This is just such a quarrel, as a Presbyter has against Episcopacy;— I am confident some Preferment there, would reconcile you,  Flush. 
— Prithee don't mistake me;— I never had the vanity to think I deserved it; but tho' I had engrossed all the Morals, that ever the learned Ancients taught, they would not ha'been proof against Exceptions.  Shuf. 
— No!—  Flush. 
— No o' my Conscience,— I have known a worthy Fellow that has been learned as the Sibyls, but modest religiously observant as the Vestals;— Still and reserved as the Night, yet cheerful as the Morning;— temperate and strict as an Anchorite, and complying as unpractised Youth.  Shuf. 
— Sure none could object against so fair a Character.  Flush. 
— Yes,— a tedious Blockhead, scare capable of an Ordinaries Office at the Reading of a Neck-Verse, shall cavil against his Scholarship;— then comes a second spitting pimpled Sot, and shall first hyccup in his Face, then tell him, he's a Company-keeper, when at the same time the dizzy Ape can scarce falter out his unjust Exception;— thus all of 'em after a successive discovery of Ignorance, and ill Principles, shall prefer a desertless Dunce to an accomplished Candidate.  Shuf. 
— Prithee what kind of Complexioned People do your Sages approve on, as best qualified for their preferment?  Flush. 
— Such easy suffering Sots as have lived in due observance of their Insolent Grandeur, and Ridiculous Stateliness, that have no sense to discover the want on't in them, and will suffer themselves to be solemnly cheated, and never take notice on't.  Enter Sir Credulous. Sir Cred. 
Noble Gentlemen, I am your Creature.  Flush. 
— It must be an affair of grand concern that brings you hither, Sir Cred.  Sir Cred. 
— Without Ceremony Gentlemen, I have no other business at present, than to invite you to the chase of a crippled Worm hunted by a couple of lame Snails.  Shuf. 
— we'll attend your noble diversion.—  Exit Sir Cred. Shuf. 
— Well, but don't let his impertinence divert your discourse; pray continue it, and acquaint me with the order of their Discipline.  Flush. 
— Order! ha', ha'— you'll find no more there, than in Darius' Army against Alexander;— Arts and Sciences are promiscuous with Tricks and Debaucheries.  Shuf. 
Ay!—  Flush. 
— 'Tis an imperfect Emblem of the Chaos, where Bodies of strange form and figure were huddled up together in a disagreeing concord.  Shuf. 
An Universal Medley indeed!—  Flush. 
You shall have a serious old Homilist making his unfashionable Chamber-love to a tractable Laundress,— a young breeding Heir penning Madrigals on his Bed-maker, or Phillising the Skull's Daughter;— and a leading Tutor turning off an old Tradesman, because some Upstart has got a handsome Wife.  Shuf. 
— But as to the business of Learning;— is not that promoted ?  Flush. 
— Yes, as thus— you shall hear a couple of old Casuists, splutter their mouldy Notions, and intricate Terms in one another's Faces, The one labouring with remote Fetches, to salve the opinion of a contradicting Dogmatist, whilst the other bladders him with broken Latin, transgressing form, and confounding Axioms; then like two battered Game-Cocks, the last word gets the Victory.  Shuf. 
— They are very laborious upon't it seems.  Flush. 
— No, no,— They are too great to take pains;— I have known a Reverend poring Doctor, that has swooned half an Age over a St. Austin; and if he chanced to mount the Pulpit but once in seven years, would after a Praeludium of Hems, slyly draw his Memory out of his Pocket, and repeat the Opinions of the Voluminous Fathers, then conclude with an Harangue against Court Vanities, because some promising Lord has failed to make him a Bishop.  Shuf. 
You are resolved to spare none from the Scarlet Doctor to the draggled Soph.  Flush. 
Some few good well principled men there is in their Society, but like a loyalist in a Faction, they must either comply or be abhorred.— But Pry— the let's go, we shall be too late else in good sadness.  Shuf. 
You may if you please, but I must wait here for a Gentleman; if some thing should detain me, do so much as excuse me.  Flush. 
I shall.  Ex. Flush. Enter Roman. Rom. 
Was this Flush I met upon the Stairs?  Shuf. 
Ay; He has been Railing at his University like a suspended Parson.  Rom. 
He's one o' those lewd profligate Wretches that dishonour all places of civil Education, because their own lose behaviour is discountenaneed and upbraided there.  Shuf. 
He's above that vain thing called Learning, he may thank his Genisu.  Rom. 
Which way is he gone?  Shuf. 
To the Palsgrave's-Head; the truth on't is, I engaged my Word to be there too, But now I think on't, I'll dispose o' myself otherwise.  Rom. 
You have some rich beardless Foo! or other to manage;— hang't, 'tis time to give it over now.  Shuf. 
Your Servant good generous Sir;▪ I think 'tis more prudence to Thrive and Rook whilst I'm Young, and so prevent it in my Old Age, then be forced to't in these Days, and so have reason to condemn the negligence of my Youth.  Rom. 
Truly, a Cheat at Threescore, is as Odious as a Usurer at Twenty.  Shuf. 
And a Knave without necessity is as unpardonable as a Mercenary Matron that's Rich and Ugly.  Rom. 
I'll assure you Shuffle, I always believed your Principle to be so far honourable, as that nothing but the severe impulse of necessity could shake 'em: I have observed with what an honest Calmness, and even tranquillity of Mind, you have born disappointments, and have pitied you several times when I could not help you.  Shuf. 
Certainly my needs are so violent they cannot continue long; however, whilst I am concerned with Sir Credulous Trinket, and Sir Popular, I must not think of a Reformation.  Rom. 
Sir Credulous Trinket, That's my Rival; Prithee what sort of a Gentleman is he? I have not the honour of his acquaintance.  Shuf. 
You are very unhappy in't, I'll promise you; He's a most facetious Person in his way;— first he read himself into Melancholy, then was advised to Travel as an expedient, which he undertook, and is now returned Freakish and Superstitious; he knows nothing o'the World, and is imposed upon by every one.  Rom. 
I have had such an account of him— Well but I have wondered oft how you contracted this intimacy with Sir Popular?  Shuf. 
First I got repute amongst his Creatures, and so had the opportunity of hearing him, and being in his Company long I discovered him; which he perceived, and thereupon declared himself to me; since we have unanimously Whedled our Blew-apron Men— the design on't you may Interpret easily.  Rom. 
Ay, I can apprehend it;— It seems now you have taught your Spirit to Truckle to your Interest.  Shuf. 
Yes, yes, I can out cant a Tubster, out fawn a Rook, out promise a Courtier, and out swear an Evidence.  Enter a  Submissively. Shuf. 
Well, Sir, I know your Business, here's a Gentleman with me now, but I shall be glad to see you to Morrow Morning.  Ex. Dun. 
A Pox o'these Dunns, they are as constant in a Morning as the Milk-woman;— I have warned the House I know not how oft to deny me to all Visitants without Swords.  Rom. 
Poor Shuffle!— Faith I never resented my own Condition more sensibly than now;— I am only sorry my fortunes are so Scant, because I cannot supply thee;— Come along with me, I'll try the extent of my Credit.  Ex. Ambo.  

SCENE. II. Sir Credulous's House, an Antichamber.  Enter Sir Credulous, Bravado, Jeffry. Sir Cred. 
Your Approbation Captain, your Approbation; did you ever hear a Magpie discourse more Ingeniously, or greater Reason since you were a Gentleman? Did ye?  Brau. 
I must confess not usually.  Sir Cred. 
Usually; did you ever? Speak.  Brau. 
To be plain with you, Sir Cred. once I did, but it was at Paris;— I heard one there that had more French then several of your Gentry that had resided there some Years; it got my Name and Quality presently, I had a Familiar acquaintance with it.  Jef. 
And learned all his French from it, I'll warrant him.  Aside. Sir Cred. 
Well, but consider Captain, my Madge has not had the advantage of such a Gentleman's Conversation as yourself; it was bred a plain Country Bird, and had no other Tutor till I came to Town, than the Curate.  Brau. 
A very promising Madge!  Sir Cred. 
There was an Illiterate Coxcomb, t'other day, told me he would not give me 5 Guineas fort.  Brau. 
Some rude undervaluing Rustic that understood not its excellencies.  Sir Cred. 
But was your shattering acquaintance so accomplished in good earnest?  Brau. 
It deserves a Panegyric as well as some of our modern Heroes; It would tell you i' the Nighttime what a Clock, as exactly as the Bellman; would talk as quaintly upon occasion as an affected Citizen; would repartee as smartly as a Mask in the Gallery:— several of our travelling Fops derived from it their scraps of Complaisance, and little civil Impertinencies, they are daily troublesome with in Park and Playhouse.  Jef. 
If it was not for these French Magpyes, I guess we should not have so many English Owls.  Aside. Sir Cred. 
But Captain, I'll presume to tell you, I can show you as great Rarities as all your Travels could entertain you with.  Brau. 
My Curiosity will be obliged to you.  Sir Cred. 
Jeffry! Here, take the Key of my Closet, and bring me Lisp and Quaker.  Ex. Jef. Brau. 
What are these Sir Cred?  Sir Cred. 
A Brace of Animals, which the Vulgar take for Dogs; seriously, they resemble 'em so much, you'll scarce distinguish till you hear 'em discourse.  Enter Jeffry. Jef. 
Sir you had left your Closet door unlocked, and Lisp's got out; one o'the Grooms told me he's gone to wait upon Sir Populer's Bitch home.  Sir Cred. 
Very probable, he was always an obliging courteous Creature;— But where's Quaker?  Jef. 
Sir, he presents his service to you, and desires you to excuse him, he's engaged.  Sir Cred. 
Engaged! Where, and upon what account?  Jef. 
With a Bone Sir, under the Dresser-board.  Sir Cred. 
No, no, his absence cannot be dispensed with;— go and conduct him in immediately;— be as quick as a Juggler's hand.  Jef. 
Pish,— I have as many Fools Errands to run upon, as a wellmeaning April-Bird.  Exit Jef. Brau. 
Pray resolve me, Sir Cred. what these two Prodigies are designed for.  Sir Cred. 
Seriously Sir, I have made it my business to observe their humours severally; the one I find to be of a tractable Genius, he'll make a—  studies. Brau. 
Good Guide for the Blind.  Sir Cred. 
The other's of a more acid, choleric temper; I design him for a—  studies. Brau. 
Yard or an Orchard.  Aside. Enter Jef. pulling in an ugly Tike. Sir Cred. 
Wuh you clumsy Blockhead you, could not you make your entry with more decency than this?— Is that all the respect you give to your betters?  Jef. 
Respect! Ay, and too much for a worthless Tike that deserves not a Crust.  Sir Cred. 
You know Sirrah your Ignorance excuseth you;— a Tike!  Brau. 
Ay, and as contemptible an one as ever died of a crooked Pin.  Sir Cred. 
Well, ha' but a little patience, and I'll convince you presently,— Jeffry provoke him.  Jeffry pincheth his ear, the Cur yells. Sir Cred. 
Now Captain, what think you on't, did not you perceive a choice accent in his exclamation?  Brau. 
Ha', ha', nothing but the yelp of a pinched Cur.  Sir Cred. 
Sir, I am sorry for you,— you hear still I perceive with a gross unrefind sense,— I'll assure you, I thought he was something Articulate;— but he's out o' humour now;— Jefry attend him in.  Ex. Jeffry with the Dog. Reenters. Brau. 
I wonder Sir Cred. a man of your contrivance, should so much debase your noble Faculties;— Why don't you attempt some glorious Enterprise, and die a Hero?  Sir Cred. 
Seriously I am at present upon a Project which will be of greater use to the City than the Ditch; but most of all to the Insurers;— And that is this— I have devised an Engine to blow up the Thames, and so prevent all Popish Conspiracies by Water, for you know they have done their worst already by Fire.  Brau. 
the Watermen will abuse you then.  Sir Cred. 
No, no, I'll prevent that,— I can convey it back in an instant by the Penny-Post.  Brau. 
Shaw that's an ignoble design; contrive rather the good of the whole Republic.  Sir Cred. 
Think you so?  Brau. 
Ay, ay,— Erect some Gymnasium where Youth may be taught the Art of Addressing and Decoying young Virgins at twelve without being beholding to the Instiuctions of a good natured Mother, to Swear genteely, without frequenting Gaming Houses; to profane daringly without keeping the Wit's Company;— and to be experienced in all the modish sins of the Age without going to Court.  Sir Cred. 
You propound Impossibilities Captain.  Jef. 
Not so Impossible as your project upon the Thames.  Aside. Brau. 
Make me but Iniquity Master General and I'll undertake it; and as the Age goes with success I'll warrant you.  Sir Cred. 
Say you so?  Brau. 
Nay more;— I'll encourage it so far as to give 2 or 3 Manors towards its endowment: But we'll discourse farther on't at Dinner; I dont much care if I Dine with you▪ to Day.  Sir Cred. 
Sir you'll do me Honour.  Ex. Sir Cred. Brau. Jef. 
Marry Gad a Mercy— That was the Gymnasium he was con●●●… all this time.  Enter Shuffle. Shuf. 
Well honest Jeffry; how does Sir Credulous do?  Jef. 
What store of Visitants he has against Dinner time.  Aside. 
Why he's in a sit of Melancholy, and has ordered that no body shall have access to him.  Shuf. 
I am a particular Friend man;— I'll go and divert him, he has not Dined I suppose.  Jef. 
But if that won't prevent you, this will—  Aside. 
From you Sir 'tis possible he may admit of a Visit, since there's only two Gentlemen with him; one of'em's a Draper, the same that sent his Man to you Yesterday with a Note.  Shuf. 
That Soliciting Rogue!— A Pox of his importunity— But why may not this same Youth smell my business?  Aside. 
I'll urge it farther—  Aside. 
Go tell the Gentleman I desire a word with him.  Jef. 
Ha!— He's at Dinner Sir, I must not disturb him.  Shuf. 
At Dinner before Eleven! Ho Sir, you are a fine Fellow indeed;— Are you so quick at turning away Business?— 'tis a piece of frugality your Master won't thank you for.  Jef. 
In good earnest Mr. Shuffle, there's so many, and such clearing Stomaches at his Table every Day, that though there was as much variety as in Heliagabalus' Feast, 'tis piece mealed into as many reversions as an Almsbasket,— Pray Sir, help me for your own sake, as well as mine, only to repel some constant Intruders, and then much good may do you.  Enter two Bullies, as to one another. 
1. Y'gad Jack here lives the Hospitable Knight.  
2. Sweetheart, how does my worthy Friend your Generous Master;— He's within, is not he?  Jef. 
Gentlemen, if your business be urgent, you may find him at the Swan on Fish-street-hill;— he waits upon a Country Lady there, that longs for a Codshead.  
1. ' Sbud what does he mean?— He invited us this Morning.  
2. Ay, and made us swear not to fail him.  Shuf. 
He ne need not have put that constraint upon you.  Aside. Jef. 
Gentlemen, if it be any business that I can do, I am ready to serve you.  
1. No, no, we'll wait upon him at another convenience.  Shuf. and Jef. discourse together, 2 Bullies apart from one another. 
2. ' 'Slife Tom, it cost me two pence (all the stock I had) at the Coffee-house i'th' Morning,— I went to read the News, a purpose to provide myself of lies and hard words for him.  
1. And I took a whetting turn i'th' Walks about ten for a preparative;— a plague o'their disappointments.  
2. S'hart, we had better have accepted Harry's Invitation;— but who would have imagined this?  
1. Come, let's to the Change, we'll pick up some body.  Jef. cries after them as they are going out. Jef. 
Gentlemen, won't you be pleased to leave your Names?  Shuf. 
I'll engage they have as many as the Grand Signior has Titles.  Jef. 
Or as an address of a whole County.  Enter a Jeweller. Jew. 
I desire to speak with Sir Credulous Tinklett if he be at leisure.  Jef. 
What nature, Pray Sir, is your business of?  Jew. 
I have some Stones of value for him;— but I must deliver 'em to his own person.  Shuf. 
I remember Sir, he was telling he expected you, and commanded me to take these trifling concerns (as he called 'em from you;— and to desire you to wait his approbation.  Jew. 
Here Sir, I'm sure they'll please him.  Shuf. takes the box, goes out, and reenters. Shuf. 
Sir, he desires you to walk in, he'll dispatch you presently;— he has sent to a Lapidary to have 'em tried.  Jew. 
I left a Customers in my Shop;— but I'll attend his honour in a Trice.  Ex. Jeweller. Shuf. 
A very fortunate riddance; ha', ha', ha',  Jef. 
What's the matter Sir?  Shuf. 
Only some transparent Glass-bobs, that the Counterfeit Rascal has left in my possession;— he'll as soon peep through a Pillory, as come here again.  Jef. 
He would ha' put these Toys upon Sir Credulous for real ones, I'll warrant, if you had not prevented him.  Shuf. 
No doubt on't,— Come Jeffry we have made our Post good long enough.  Ex. Shuf. Jef.  

SCENE III. Gulman' s Lodging.  Gulman-sola looking in a Pocket-Glass. Gull. 

In vain I strive to call past Nature back,  
The Youthful Dye that glowed in either Cheek.  
And forced so many melting Sighs and Vows,  
Is gone beyond the reach of Female Arts:  
My Glass, that kind Indulgence of my fears,  
Now does forbear to soothe my willing faith,  
And lays its pleasing flattery aside;  
Fool that I was to credit Lovers Oaths,  
And put my choicest sweets into their hands  
Without consideration for th' exchange;  
But still I've one reserve, providing time  
Has for the loss of beauty, ge'en me wit,  
And sure 'tis time to use it.—   Enter Faith. 
I hope you have had success by your stay.  Faith. 
— Such success Madam, as you foretold before I went.  Gull. 
— Truly I doubted it;— was he in a sullen humour?  Faith. 
— Ay, as peevish as if his Wife had stayed out late last Night;— There's a Broker, it seems, he has some concerns with, is run away.  Gull. 
— But did you whisper him as I ordered you?  Faith. 
— Yes, I told him you were just upon Marriage with Sir Popular, and if he did not give you credit for the Silks; things would look a little suspiciously.  Gull. 
— And did you offer him such advantages as I directed you?  Faith. 
— Yes Madam, I urged every thing I thought might be effectual; I told him the safest way to secure his arrears, would be to venture once more upon you.  Gull. 
And what answered he?  Faith. 
— Upon that, he examined his Shop-book, and showed me your Accounts, the Total Sum I did not much observe, nor the Particulars; only the File of Items, which was as deep as a Flight of Wild-Geese.  Gull. 
— That base unreasonable Creature; has the Conscience then to put me down for the Necessaries I had from his Shop?— Thou knowst Wench, how unusually civil I was always to him, when I kept a convenient House.  Faith. 
I am sure Madam, he had 'em always fresh out o' the Country▪ without paying for a Maidenhead;— he was so nice always, I am sure a Lord has been glad of his refuse e'er now:— But you may see—  Gull. 
'Tis even true, a past kindness now-a days is as little regarded, as a future promise; but what could the ungrateful Wretch say to you?  Faith. 
After he had closed the Book, he broke out into passion, and swore he could not wonder at your impudence, because you were so and so: But before the damned Bawd was any more Tawdry at his charge, he won'd see her Ca●ted;— nay, he swaggered worse than when he missed his Ring at our House.  Gull. 
At his charge base man!— It seems he looks upon the debt as desperate;— as I am a sinner, I fear he'll noise it abroad and betray me.  Faith. 
Never fear it,— though he has little good-meaning for you, yet the hopes he has of a change of your condition, will prevent him.  Gull. 
How must we do in this case Wench?— Let me die in a Ditch, if I be not as much at my wit's end, as I have been e'er now to direct a young unmanaged sinner.  Faith. 
Never despair Madam, I have some comfort for you;— Don't you remember his eldest Apprentice?— The same that rallied so at our door one Sunday Night for entrance, when all our Beds and Couches were in use.  Gull. 
— Yes, and swore he would have the House pulled down the Shrove-Tuesday after;— But what of him?  Faith. 
I perceived as I was i'th' Shop, how diligently he watched the cast of mine eye; and now and then I seemed accidentally to throw half a look at him, which he would so far improve, as to return me a familiar smile,— as who should say—  Gull. 
Well.  Faith. 
— I observed this, and willingly forgot my Fan, which he very officiously followed me out with;— then after a cast of his Counter-courtesie, he promised me, such a trivial thing as my Errand expressed, should not be wanting for my own sake.  Gull. 
And there was the cause o' your stay.  Faith. 
— He had nothing as earnest towards the bargain.  Gull. 
When do you expect him?  Faith. 
Exactly at nine— He'll be as punctual as a Tertian Ague.  Gull. 
— You'll know how to pay him.  Faith. 
— Ay Madam, I thank your Conversation.  Gull. 
— Well, if this should unfortunately fail, I must even betake myself to the poor Whore's last refuge, grave honest Crape.  Faith. 
Truly Madam, 'tis a very modest agreeable dress, and especially for one of your design; since you profess as much Religion as a Lady Abbess, you must be as reserved in your habit too; Sir Popular will mistake your Necessity for your Zeal.  Gull. 
Then I must remonstrate against abominable Gauds; as he calls 'em.  Faith. 
— And rail against Point, as tedious Vanity.  Gull. 
— Against Neck laces and Pendants, as undercent costly Trumperies.  Faith. 
— Rich Gowns, you must call, Popish Seducers,  Gull. 
— And embroidered Petticoats, Man-catchers.  Enter Sir Popular precisely dressed. Faith. 
Hist! Sir Popular.  as to Gullman. Gull. 
— Take comfort Girl, the good man was very full upon that point the last day; you took notice of his Doctrine?  seeming as if she did not perceive Sir Pop. Sir Pop. 
Sister spotless you are well employed, I conceive; there are not many o' your Sex that imitate you now adays;— they'll rather exhort their Women to read a wanton Pamphlet, than a Paragraph of a good Sermon.  Gull. 
Plainly Brother, I was even reminding her of her great concern in this World,— we are all Flesh.  looks up. Sir Pop. 
Ay Sister, but that consideration is but little laid to heart in these days.  Gull. 
— Especially amongst the Worldlings that are set above us.  Sir Pop. 
— Never trust me, I am weary of this vexatious world, I wish I were well disposed out of it.  Gull. 
— Offences are given daily, and by those that should heal 'em;— The particoloured Priests put on their Masquerading Robes, and tread a French Dance to the sound of an Organ.  in a Canting tone. Sir Pop. 
Whilst the Judges give false measure, in the Whore of Babylon's Scarlet Petticoat.  Gull. 
— A Parchment Cloak of blank Deeds would be a more seemly Wear for 'em a great deal:— Well, who knows, what they have to answer for!  casts up her eyes. Sir Pop. 
Then what a pack of debauched Reprobates are they about court;— They haunt their Neighbour's Board, and defile their Beds; and here amongst the number, if a teaching Brother carries but some crumbs of Consolation, to a Sister in anguish; how uncharitably will they interpret the duty.  Gull. 
What gaudy Kicshaws are their Women? In good truth, they're as common, as if the Land were unpeopled; and how hideous is their dress!— I have even resolved to put myself into a plain Primitive Grab; and defy the scornful:— Come, Faith my private duty calls upon me.  Faith. 
— 'Tis about your Prayer time, forsooth.  Ex. Gull. Faith. Sir Pop. 
This is the way I have chalked out to compass my design; the Widow is Rich and Religious;— Well, my Addresses must be consonant with her Severity: I must Nose, Cant, and turn up my Whites, Squint, and counterfeit the reserved Purity of an Hermit, to disguise me whilst I sue for such a Blessing:— In the mean time I must play the Patriot with Artifice, and Resolution; foment Fears and Jealousies, disperse Sedition, blind and baffle my unthinking Followers, and be concerned only for the Religion of my Interest;— This is the taking sure way of repairing decayed Reputations.  

Say what you will; a thriving Zeal is best  
To serve the City God of Interest.    
Finis Actus Primi.   

ACT II.  

SCENE, Sir Popular's House.  Enter Sir Popular, Shuffle, and three Tradesmen. Shuf. 
I Think we have got fairly by our Passive Obedience, forsooth! And yet for all this Court Doctrine we should find but few of the Sticklers but upon Trial would hang an Arse to die Martyrs for it.  Sir Pop. 
Alas, 'tis too sure, to our irreparable damage I fear;— We are undermined my Friends and Neighbours;— Popery and Slavery lurk under ground to blow up our Lives and Liberties,— Our great Senate, that like a firm Bank, braved the Impetuous Flood, and confined it to its Channels, is removed; and now England, distressed England, is at the mercy of a threatening Deluge;— How soon it may break in upon us, we cannot tell;— The great Ministers, are Mercenary Pensioners; and Creatures to the French Interest; The Favourites are the highflown Torys, a swarm of Infects bred of the malignancy of a corrupting Nation, and the few just men are stigmatised with aspersions; Witnesses are managed, Courts of Justice are influenced, and though Imposts are but few for the present, I'll warrant they'll play us an aftergame with a witness, and Trade and Commerce is decayed:— In brief, there's such traducing, shaming, tampering, and conspiring, that I never go to Bed, but I expect to rise with my Throat cut.  They seem disordered. Shuf. 
And too great reason you have for it,— whilst I was at the Nine-penny Ordinary t'other day, there came a person up to us, in the habit of an Oyster-wench, with Oyster-knives as sharp as Razors.  Sir Pop. 
— Some Jesuit sure enough.  Shuf. 
Ay doubtless, he looked suspiciously.  Sir Pop. 
I had notice on't, and ordered the Watch to be doubled;— besides, the Constables was upon their Rounds all Night.  Shuf. 
— Yet there was a Shoemaker had the Skin of his Throat ripled as he slept upon a Bulk.  Sir Pop. 
The Watch saved his life.  All. 
— Bloody Villains.  Shuf. 
It was buzzed about at Richard's this Morning, that the Papists had a private Meeting yesterdy, at One upon the Exchange, about pulling down the Monument the first dark Night, to put the City to the charge of building two other.  They shake their Heads. Sir Pop. 
One for the Memorial of the others ruin;— but how was it discovered?  Shuf. 
— They were fortunately overheard, but slunk away i' the Crowd.  Sir Pop. 
Cursed Devils!— I had a Letter from a Friend in the Country, that advised me to forbear French Wine; it seems the Grapes were poisoned upon the Vines;— They have got a trick of intoxicating the Air, several have been before the Chamber of poisoning for't.  Shuf. 
Indeed, I have observed since this last Vintage, several pimpled Faces;— But our English Men—  Sir Pop. 
Are a people of a robust Constitution, else we had seen alterations before this:— You have heard of the miraculous massacring Engine, that was found in Devonshire, by a Justice o' Peace that was a searching for Armour, han't you?  Shuf. 
Only a blind imperfect account on't.  Sir Pop. 
'Twil hurl out above five Miles such a sort of Wildfire, as is nourished by water, and not to be extinguished but by Fasting and Prayer.  All. 
Matchless wickedness!  Sir Pop. 
— Then 'twill sling for the same distance, an instrument infallibly mortal, without either piercing or discolouring the Skin; so that a Crowner knows not how to return the Inquest.  All. 
Barbarous Villainy!  Sir Pop. 
But the worst is, it assassinates the Soul as well as the Body, unless one be Spiritually Cap-a-peeed.  Shuf. 
— 'Tis more terrible than Totchy Old Time with a sharp Sith in his Hand.  Sir Pop. 
'Tis charged upon occasion with a large measure full of Dispensation Powder, and laden with the Case— Shot of Equivocation, which the Popish Engineer so artificially Dischargeth, that the carnally naked infallibly Perish.  All. 
Horrid Butchery!  Shuf. 
I remember now I have heard on't;— But you mistake the manner of its discovery, Sir Popular.  Sir Pop. 
Very probable, the confusion o'the times disorder my Memory.  Shuf. 
It came from beyond Seas in a Letter which expressed the use on't; and was directed to a great Roman Catholic in the West, but through scarcity of Paper it broke the vale and appeared.  All. 
Wonderful providence.  Sir Pop. 
But how little do these Conspiracies awake us? What miraculous signs of a Sickly State appear daily? 'Tis not long since whole Armies appeared in the Air, near Durham, and the French Standard displayed.  Shuf. 
Not long since Anti-christ was seen Riding upon the Beast with the Whore of Babylon behind him.  Sir. Pop. 
'Tis not long since Hailstones fell in the Fashion of Crucifix's and Agnus Dei's.  Shuf. 
Nor since one o'the Heads upon Westminster-Hall cried fire.  The Blew-Apron men seem disordered all this time. Sir Pop. 
Not long, since the Horse in the Poultry-Market nickered for Provender.  Shuf. 
But the City would give him none.  Aside. Sir Pop. 
Not past a Month since, the Watch saw a Dreadful Comet that hovered above the Banqueting-House, and streamed out its Scarlet Tail towards the City.  Shuf. 
Ay; and one of the Life-Guards lighted his Pipe at it. All.— Daring Brute.  Sir Pop. 
— But that which dismays me the most, my Friends, is an Apparition my own Eyes were witness of; It was in the likeness of an Aged man, Riding upon a Jaded Rainbow; and out of his mouth there proceeded a Label with this Inscription— O England, prepare, for desolation is at hand.  All. 
Good Heavens!  Shuf. 
Sure the Harbinger had made a long Journey, by the faltering of his Steed.  Sir Pop. 
Yet all these preternatural Omens cannot Alarm a self-secure Generation;— How many Suns of late have appeared in the Heavens? How many Moons of differing Figures and Magnitude have been seen at once, to the Distraction of Astrology?  Shuf. 
How many tall Men and mixed Monsters have been shown of late at Bartholomew-Fair; even to the admiration of Men, Women and Children.  Sir Pop. 
Brutus was never more concerned for the sinking Liberties of his Fellow Sublects then I am; the Sword of Tyranny like that of Damocles hangs by a single Hair over our Heads, and if we only gaze at the threatening Spectre, without providing against the Portent; we may expect the violation of our Lives and Liberties, Rights and Religion;— But now my Friends we'll adjourn, and at our next Convention, we'll propound such measures as are most consistent with our present Calamities.  Ex Sir Pop. and the blue-Apron-men. Manet Shuf. Shuf. 
Hist! Mr. Zeal, Mr. Zeal.  Re-enter Zeal. Sir, 
You must send me a Beaver, I am so much out upon the Cause, I must be indebted to you at present.  Zeal, 
'Tis the same thing Sir, you shall have the choice in my Shop.  Exit Zeal. Shuf. 
And he shall have more o' my Custom.—  

For I, with Citts, as with false Dice, will play,  
First sweep enough, then throw the Cheats away.   Exit Shuf. Enter Juliana, as looking upon a Watch. Jul. 

Past Three! The long expected Minute's past,  
Which I with Love's Impatience waited for;  
I cursed Time's aged pace, and blamed my Watch,  
Because the Hand so faintly stole about;  
But now the hour that flattered my false hopes  
Is come, and gone; but still my Lover stays:  
Even thus the thirsty Traveller, that knew  
Once of a cooling Spring, near such a Hill,  
Impatient o' the Days tormenting heat,  
Thinks every step a journey, till he comes  
To that refreshing place he used of old,  
Then eagerly preparing to lie down,  
He spies the bottom parched, the Pebbles dry,  
Then mutters his complaints, and budgeth on;  
Grant he be safe— He's here—   listens. Enter Carol. 
How soon the gaudy Bubble disappears.  Carol. 
— Alone Cousin!— You'v been rapt up in Lover's Paradise.  Jul. 
— I was discanting a little, upon a passage I have read in a French Novel.  Carol. 
— And you the Heroine;— You are glorying in your Conquests over your vanquished Admirers.—  Jul. 
You are in your pleasant vein Cousin.  Carol. 
— I am always in't;— I have no Murdered Servants to answer for, I thank my Complexion; no languishing Lover has catcht cold with syrenading under my Windows; I was never accused in the Mystical Name of Cloris by the Dying Sonneteer, nor blamed as an Accessary in his Swanlike Dirge;— Nay, I never caused the Death of a young Tree, by an Anagramming Penknife, I never—  Jul. 
Received a present of Value from a Servant, and then declared you hate him;— you never gave a Rhithming Lover a Subject to allude upon, and then exposed his endeavour.  Carol. 
If a young generous Fop prevents me, and swears his Life depends upon my Acceptance; I cannot be so barbarously scornful as to see a towardly Fool cut off;— or if an unfortunate pretender must needs discover his Dullness, I am forced to comply with him, and use him accordingly, to be rid of farther importunities.  Jul. 
Now, I am much of another Humour,— I could not receive a Gift from one I disrespected; nor laugh at his Poetical Imperfections;— I should rather pity him, tho' not many deserve it.  Sighs. Carol. 
Come Cousin, that Sigh betrays you; be free with me;— Has not that Gentleman that makes visits to you, and you believe to be the only brave Man upon Earth; given you Reason to retract your Opinion? Ay, a Conscious blush too,— Well, I perceive your disorder,— We'll have a Song to divert you,— Here— Lyddy, Sing your new Song.  Calls aloud. Lyddy, Enters, and Sings. 

See how regardless she surveys  
Whole Crowds of fettered Swains,  
That boast themselves her Sacrifice,  
And Triumph in her Chains.  
See while their trembling Hearts expect  
Some blessing from her Eyes,  
She frowns, and with a cold neglect,  
Kills all their blooming Joys.   

Fair, Mighty Nymph! if you thus hast  
To show your endless power;  
The number of your Slaves, alas,  
Will lessen every hour;  
And while you please your boundless Will,  
Your Empire will decay,  
You'll not have lover left to kill,  
Nor Subject to obey.   Carol. 
Well Cousin, how do you relish the Air?  Jul. 
I suppose the Words were the love-task of some o' your obsequious Admirers.  Carol. 
Ay, and the Composure too;— He excused himself with the Poet's Apology for their dullness, haste; pretending they were his extemporary Thoughts over a Glass of Wine, though one would scarce perceive it by the Spirit.  Enter Boy, to Carol. Boy. 
Madam, Yonder's a Gentleman desires to kiss your Hand; I showed him into the Dining-Room, and left him rubbing his Sword.  Carol. 
'Tis that Fierce, Vapouring, Coward, Bravado, I fancy; and I had as soon receive a Visitant in the Smallpox, only 'twill be no disposing of him before my Uncle's return, unless I go and contrive some way.  Exit Carol. Enter Rom. Rom. 
My Joy! [salutes her] 'Tis true, I have lived since I saw you last, but no otherways than dying Parents, that for the hopes of seeing an only Child, and feeling Death come stealing on, will set their Teeth, contract their Fist, recall their palling Spirits, and struggle with appointed time; I have lived to see you once again, now let me die, I cannot choose a dearer place than this.  points to her Feet. Jul. 
And would you die without me?— How could I survive you?  Rom. 
Thou Miracle of Women!— You have all the Perfections of your Species, without the Frailties, you have Wit and Discretion without Design; you are Humble & Easie without making yourself Familiar, and Modest without being Coy; you are constant in spite of Importunities, and Beautiful though a Fortune; you are—  Jul. 
— Since I have some Qualities that please you, I shall value myself the more; But Dearest, why did you stay?  Rom. 
My Heart;— I came as directly at the hour, as Death, before, I was loath,— lest Sir Popular should be within, and my Visit renew his Suspicion.  Jul. 
My Watch then was like my Wishes, too forward, I expected you this livelong half-hour, and with as much impatience, as Chemists do, for the result of some Experiment; a Thousand Fears as great as Love could frame, distracted me.  Rom. 
But how long Madam may we believe, the time will be our own? When returns Sir Popular?  Jul. 
O presently, within this half hour.  Rom. 
We must husband it with such caution, as a besieged Town does, their failing Provision.  Enter Boy. Boy. 
— Madam, Sir Popular is newly come in, and has sent to speak with you.  Exit. Boy. Rom. 
The news of Peace never came more unseasonably to the Soldier of Fortune.  Jul. 
— With what reluctancy I obey, let my sighs demonstrate;— My Dearest, you may be safe here from the busy eye of jealousy; if possible, I'll steal a visit to you.  Rom. 
The kindest power that ever favoured love, attend thee.  [Salutes her] Exit. Jul. 
The rarest piece, the whole Creation has produced, is gone;— What— cannot I bear one hours' absence? How shall I compose this unruly Passion? When she's for ever doomed to a Rival's Arms?— The raging Storm of Love heaves in my breast, and like the weather-forced Mariner that labours to avoid the Shore he wisheth for. I must refuse, what I esteem so dear; I love her too well to Marry her, my unkind Fortune forbids the Banes; I could not see her condition below her worth and quality, and therefore must be cruel out of kindness.  Enter Bravado. Brau. 
Dear Captain Roman, I am thine abundantly.  Rom. 
— You expect I should return you the same Title back? but how came you here?  Brau. 
What an impertinent question is that to one of my correspondence amongst the Ladies;— Why, pretty Mrs. Charlietta could not be well, till she saw me.  Rom. 
— She wanted a Vomit, I suppose, and thought that the sight of you might provoke it.  Brau. 
— I protest Roman, if I thought you designed it as an Abuse, I would not take it.—  Rom. 
— If I should tell thee thou wert handsome, I should abuse thee indeed.  Brau. 
By the Life of Hercules, there's scarce a Lady of Quality about Whitehall, but has my Picture.  Rom. 
— To hang up among their Caesars o' the French Draught.  Brau. 
—— What a Devil! your so witty— But what d'ye think if it be for their Cabinet Contemplations;— I am in Water-Colours I assure you.  Rom. 
— 'Tis true, thou art well enough for a Foil,— But what brought thee hither to me?  Brau. 
— My little Genius Charlietta directed me;— Sir Popular surprised us— a plague of his interruption.  Rom. 
You were a bouncing of your lofty Heroic Lies I'll warrant.  Brau. 
I protest to tell you truly I was promising pretty largely, there was—  Rom. 
— Some Matrimonial Affair in hand?  Brau. 
Will you not disclose.  Rom. 
— Prithee don't enjoin me to secrecy; I don't desire you should communicate any thing that requires it.  Brau. 
You have more Honour than to betray a Love Parol I am sure,— know then I had got her consent.  Rom. 
To marry?  Brau. 
No, but to enjoy the Freedom on't without the Form.  Rom. 
— It cannot be sure.  Brau. 
'Slife there's no holding out where I Besiege, she Surrendered upon the first Summons, our Parley was very short.  Rom. 
I am surprised, tho', I confess, I had but little Knowledge of her;— Well,— There's not above one Virtuous Woman.  Brau. 
One! That's too many by ' th' Exception;— Why who would ha' thought her Cousin Juliana had been common?  Rom. 
— Juliana common!  Brau. 
— Ay as a Bench in a public Walk;— We Coached it out a Town together Yesterday.  Rom. 
Rascal Dog, you Lie, you abuse her;— but here's her Vindication.  [Lays his Hand on his Sword.] Brau. 
Why,— What's the Matter? I meant like a Friend, I knew you loved her, and therefore took this Occasion to undeceive you.  Rom. 
Sirrah, I have scarce Patience to wait for a farther Information; yet the Respect I have to the quiet of the House, shall prevail with me at present, but be satisfied, thou shalt speak it to her Face, and as I find occasion, I'll proceed.  Brau. 
If she denies it, I have Circumstances will silence her.  Enter Carol, as to Roman. Carol. 
Sir, My Cousin sent me to desire your Patience, I fear her concerns will force her to be uncivil a little longer.  Brau. 
— That's happy.  Aside. Rom. 
— Madam, Your Presence will teach us to Dispense with your Cousin's Absence.  Carol. 
— Captain Bravado, this was a Courtesy to entertain this Gentleman with your Company all this time.  [Roman Studies.] Brau. 
Faith Madam, I was never disobliging, especially when commanded by so fair a Lady as yourself.  Carol. 
I fear Sir, your Complaisance may be Injurious to you.  Brau. 
No Madam, my Business is not very extreme; tho' there's an assignation waits me; then I have Two or Three Challenges to write and send away.  Carol. 
Challenges!  Brau. 
Ay Madam, one is to a Courtier that pretends to Love where I do; another is to a Poet that reflected upon me under one of his Characters; the Third is to an Officer that jostled me in a Crowd, and never begged my Pardon.  Carol. 
Sensible affronts indeed;— but I hope you'll stay and Caress Madam Towers, the Beauty of Hatton-Garden, before you go,— list— she's coming up I think—  [Enter Juliana, whispers Roman, and goes out.] Brau. 
You, Roman, How came you thus acquainted with this same Madam Towers? By Jove a pretty Woman.  Rom. 
What would he mean?  Brau. 
— Why the Lady that whispered you;— I thought I had Lampooned all the handsome Women in Town;— I never see this before.  Rom. 
Never see her, say you?  Brau. 
— No, as I'm a Man of Honour.  Carol. 
— It was my Cousin Juliana.  Brau. 
— No!  Rom. 
— Yes Sirrah, this was the very Lady you made so Infamous; this was your Wench at will;— Draw Dog— Draw, thou something less than Coward.  [Rom. draws, kicks Brau.] Rom. 
No Courage, Dastard.  Brau. 
Prithee, don't take this Advantage, my Sword's not in Case.  Rom. 
— No Excuse shall give thee Refuge Slave, I'll fetch thee one that is.  Exit Rom. Brau. 
Confound his Civility;— I'll go and choose one for myself, I thank him.  [Exit Brau. at the other side.] Carol. 
— Was ever Coward thus baffled before?  Enter Rom. with a Sword. Rom. 
Ha!— Is he gone?— Has he abused me again this way?  Carol. 
— He was resolved not to be guilty of a second rashness.  Rom. 
— Well, he knows the greeting he must have, when we meet.  Carol. 
— He was in haste to send away his Challenges.  (Brau. peeps in, and draws back. Rom. 
— If the fixed opinion I have of Juliana's Virtues could have been shaken, I had resigned it upon this Rascal's aspersion; But Madam, I must beg of you not to take notice on't to her, it may trouble her;— my hopes of seeing her now, won't invite me to stay; her business I fear is in dispensable.— Lady your Servant.  (Exit Roman. (Brau. peeps in, and enters as in haste, with drawn Sword. Brau. 
'Sdeath, is not the Coward returned yet?  Carol▪ 
Yes, but Mr. Roman's newly gone.  Brau. 
By the Martial Deity it was his safest course, else I would have had no more mercy on him, than a tedious Poet has of an Actor's memory.  Carol. 
O brave!— I wonder you that are so bloodily inclined should have so much mercy of yourself as to avoid him.  Brau. 
Why d'ye think I would trust him to choose a Blade for me;— The very Sword he drew against me, was mine in point of Honour; I gave it him thrice upon terms.  Carol. 
— Mr. Bravado, I must needs tell you, I question your Courage; and nothing but some bold piece of Chivalry, can redeem your Reputation.  Brau. 
Command me Madam an Impossibility, and I'll effect it; Shall I fetch you the Sultan's Head out of the midst of his Janizares? Or the Pope in Effigy from the strength o' the Rabble? Shall I bring you—  Carol. 
Nothing but that Sword o' yours that Roman wears.  Brau. 
That Madam, is so mean an attempt, 'twill fully my honour; but since you command it, to morrow you shall see it laid at your feet.  Carol. 
Well, remember it;— but I have outstayed my time I must go—  Brau. 
That's the only trial I cannot stand; But is— there no contrivance, Madam, can continue you another Lover's minute.  Carol. 
Not now, Sir;— Then you know Sir Popular's conclusions when he sees a Stranger here.  Brau. 
Can you bestow me in no place conveniently, till opportunity present?  Carol. 
Let me see— Ho, I have it,— There stands a low Table there sometimes; now if you'll couch upon your hands and knees, if any should chance to come in, they'll mistake you for it; I'll disguise the design with a Carpet;— I know no other way of securing you, till I can wait upon you.  Brau. 
The posture will be a little uneasy, but the consideration of such a blessing after it, will teach me to endure it.  Carol. 
You must kneel here.  (He goes to the side of the Stage and knelt. Carol. 
Here— Boy— (Boy enters) bring the little Persian Carpet out o' the Dining-Room.  Enter Boy with a Carpet, she covers him. Carol. 
He becomes a Carpet better than a Sword,— I'll be merry with him, if he be not pre-discovered; such a triumphing Coward cannot be abused enough.  Exit. Carol. Enter Gullman and Faith. Gullman in a homely Dress. Gull. 
How do I look, Wench, since I reformed my Dress?  Faith. 
— Indeed Madam, as taking, as one of five and fifty can be.  Gull. 
Five and fifty Huzzy; 'tis only five and thirty, I have been no more this twenty years;-— 'Tis not so long since I was in a Lampoon; but Youth would be as inconvenient to one of my design, as 'tis to a Beardless Candidate for a Bishopric.  Enter Shuffle at a distance. Shuf. 
By all that's good, that nauscious old sinner Mother Gullman;— Is she then Sir Popular's Rich Widow?— Well, this Wind may blow me some profit;— I'll pretend I do not know her.  Faith. 
A Stranger here Forsooth!  Shuf. 
— Lady I come in the behalf of Sir Popular Jealous, and do assure you, an important occasion detains him at present from kissing your fair hands.  Gull. 
I am sorry Sir Popular should make choice of such an unwelcome Mediator;— Go, go, and repeat your branching Vanities to your fine tawdry Gugaws; you are mistaken here.  Shuf. 
Mistaken, Madam, that cannot be, you are a Fortune, I want one, and Sir Popular needs none.  Gull. 
— What would this troublesome young Fellow say?  Shuf. 
Faith nothing Madam, but I Bachelor take you Widow; Come, come, reclaim a young Extravagant by the surest way, Marriage— There 'tis in short.  Gull. 
You scandalous, vain, paltry Scoundrel, that never bless yourself but when you snees; a shilling o' your own, I'll warrant, is as rare to be seen with you as an Eclipse, and you could have the impudence to talk at this rate to me; I would as soon marry a Criminal under the Gallows;— so take that for your final answer.  Shuf. 
Now Madam, to return you my sense of your Denial in your own Dialect, you are a mercenary, loathsome, superannuated, ugly Sinner; you have Bawded almost ever since you left Bulking; one o' your Names is Gullman, I remember your House by a lasting Token; you have more Diseases about you then a whole Campaign in a hot Summer; you are worse plastered and patched up than an old leaky calked Vessel;— 'Tis high time indeed you set up for a Fortune;— I'll draw the Curtain and expose you, and will have you sent to Bridewell immediately.  He goes towards the Door, Gullman follows and holds him. Gull. 
Dear Worthy Sir, for goodness sake, consider, you'll utterly ruin me; if you do this, I am undone for ever.  Shuf. 
There's no way to relieve you but one,  Gull. 
— Any way, dear Sir, rather than that.  Shuf. 
— Well, the tender regard I have to the extremity of any one's condition, has so far wrought upon me, that I am willing to come to a Capitulation with you.  Gull. 
Your Terms, sweet Sir?  Shuf. 
You shall give me a Bond for 500 l. to be, due precisely upon your marriage with Sir Pop.— if he fails you, the Contract shall be void.  Gull. 
— But you'll endeavour to promote the Match then for your own private Interest, as well as mine.  Shuf. 
— That I will;— You shall be represented to all advantages I'll promise you.  Gull. 
— Provide but the Writings, and I am satisfied.  Exit. Shuf. Enter Sir Popular. Sir Pop. 
— Sister Spotless, I bid you welcome to this earthly Mansion.  Gull. 
Brother Jealous you have my thanks sincerely.  Sir Pop. 
— I conceive, our beloved friend Shuffle, would acquaint you with my business;— in earnest, he's a good man.  Gull. 
— Plainly, I have great hopes in him; I was recollecting his memory with some wholesome Passages out of a Manual I have at home.  Sir Pop. 
I have a small piece in this Room, that was writ by a worthy Elder of Tower-street, that fled afterwards into New-England;— I'll recommend it to you Sister.  Sir Pop. stands upon Bravadoes back, and reacheth up. Sir Pop. 
— 'Tis removed— I know not where to look it.  Gull. 
— It may be fali'n down about that Seat Brother.  Sir Pop. goes to look for't about Bravado, he starts up with the Carpet about him, Sir Popular runs back in confusion. Sir Pop. 
Good Sister speak to't,— I am unfit,— I had no Devotion in my Family this Morning.  Gull. 
— Alas Brother, I have a mortal aversion to all Spirits but my own.  Faith. 
In the Name of Goodness, what art thou?  Brau. throws off the Carpet. Brau. 
Nothing but your humble Servant Lady,— My Name's Bravado.  Sir Pop. 
How's this!— Some Popish Priest, that designed to fire the House— Hoa, hoa, within there.  calls aloud. Enter two Servants. Sir Pop. 
— Secure this Suspicious Person in the Garret, till I be at leisure to take his Examination and commit him.  They haul Brau. out. Gull. 
— What Providence was here! We might have been all blown up.  Sir Pop. 
— All their Villainies are detected;— Come Sister, I'll order him to be brought before the face of Justice, and then give him over to condign Punishment.  Exit Omnes.  

SCENE, Toper' s House.  Enter Toper with a Bottle in his hand. Top. 
Was ever honest man thus tormented with a confounded abusive Wife;— S'bud,— here's one of her Badges grieves me so, I am scarce able to lift a Glass to my head,  [laying his hand upon his arm] 
but here's my Comforter for all that.  [drinks] 
This I was forced to secure with as much caution, as a Sailor does a prohibited Truck:  (drinks) 
Ha!— marry if 'twas not for this refocillation, I should look as forlorn, as a Bottle half out.  (drinks) 
Ah, ah— this Brandy's a friendly creature.  (drinks and looks at the Bottle) 
Alac, alac, I am a dying man, my Hourglass is almost run out, and she's so watchful, 'twill be difficult to replenish it.  Enter Flush. Flush. 
— My dear old Pitcher, art thou whole yet?  Top. 
— No, I have almost lost one of my ears;— She chequered my Corpse like a Chessboard for my last Bout with you;— A drought choke her for an unreasonable creature, I han't slept over a Pot, nor set a Glass▪ upon its head this two days, Mun.  Flush. 
Profound abstinence! There's a mortifying penance indeed:— By Bacchus I have been at the death of a Sea-Captain, and two Dutch Merchants, since you and I breathed one another at Isaac's last.  Top. 
What did you drink?  Flush. 
— True Nants;— I challenged 'em at their own Weapons, by Stingo we had a smart Engagement on't; we poured it down like Cataracts, till we were so inflamed, you might have made Slap-dragons in our Mouths.  Top. 
O Man, for such a Risk now!  Flush. 
By Jove, I came to promote it.— Here will be that solid trifle Sir Credulous,— the Reckoning will be his.  Top. 
— Alac, alac, I doubt I must not go along with you.  Enter Sir Credulous and Jeffry. Flush. 
— Illustrious Knight, give me leave to lick your feet.  Top. 
— I am sorry Sir, I have never a Cask o' Brandy to bid you welcome with.  Sir Cred. 
— Seriously Gentlemen, I left a Scene of pleasant diversion to wait upon you.  Flush. 
Then Sir we must acknowledge our Obligation to be the greater.  Top. 
Was it some Bowl o' Punch Sir?  Sir Cred. 
No, no, a more delicious entertainment;— it was a Combat betwixt a Flesh-fly and a Spider; but after some dispute, the vanquished Fly begged Quarter with what voice she had; but I left her to the fury of the mercyless Insect.  Flush. 
— 'Twas unkind not to relieve her.  Top. 
— Here, Sir Credulous have at ye.  drinks. Jef. 
— I should like an Encounter with that, better than the Spider's skirmish with the Fly.  aside. Sir Cred. 
— I must crave your pardon Sir, I am not disposed to pledge you, I drink nothing at present but the simplest Spring-water that flows.  Flush. 
— What's this?— Did not you give me your honour that we should carouse it with whole Cisterns in a hand, and Volleys of Huzzahs at every health.  Sir Cred. 
— But, since; I have consulted the Configurations of the Heavens, and I find that Mercury my little influencing Planet forbids it; he is Retrograde, and till his motion be direct, I must forbear.  Flush. 
Prithee Knight don't be superstitious, or if you must, let Bacchus be your Tutelar Power; he deserves to be a Constellation the best of all the Pack;— He's the jolliest Hero amongst 'em.  Sir Cred. 
Seriously Gentlemen, if I had apprehended, you would have desired me to drink; I should scarce have come.  Enter Amazonia as to Toper. Amaz. 
Sirrah, thou drunken, drowsy Sot, how oft have I charged you to forbid this thirsty spunging hollow Shurk the house;  (towards Flush) 
Let me see him within these Walls again, and I'll batter thee worse than I would do an Alehouse Windows.  Flush. 
hay!— but why so nettled good Madam? If I keep him company, I pay my Club with him; and as for the Civilities I receive from him here, he cannot say they are unreturned, when I have an opportunity at my Lodgings.  Amaz. 
Thou Lodgings! Ay, may be such as the Constable provides for thee, when he finds thee drunk;— Thou art like some Fatherless Libel▪ condemned and disowned; and no body dare entertain thee for fear of scandal; Thou art so notorious a Bilker, that whitefriars refuseth thee.  Flush. 
If you were any thing but a—  Amaz. 
But a what, Rascal?  goes up to him. Flush. 
A passionate Woman, you would not use this Language to a Gentleman.  Amaz. 
A Gentleman, you pitiful insignificant Scoundrel; 'Tis a clear Gentleman then I'm sure, What Lands have you, or ever had, but what you carry upon your Shoes in dirty Wether? What other Tenement, but that crazy Cottage, that Kennel for your Soul? It had dilapidated before this, if that steeped Punch-Bowl there, had not repaired it.  as to Toper. Sir Cred. 
She's more abusive than a Bill in Chancery;— Observe how I'll bob her.  as to Flush apart. Amaz. 
Sirrah, how came the Parlour Hang cut, the Chinay broke, the Carpet stained? Tell me, or Ill use you worse, than the Posts do, as you reel along.  Toper looks sillily, Sir Cred. steals behind her, draws out his Mouse-box, and bolts out the Mouse before her face. She starts.— He laughs, she beats him. Sir Cred. 
What, what's the matter Lady?— I meant you no harm by my troth.  Amaz. 
Do ye sport with me, you babbling Buffoon, get you gone amongst your Playfellow, and be waggish there.— I'll scour the House of you all— Out with ye—  She turns 'em all out. Amazonia sola. Amaz. 
Tho' the stupid Blockhead, has not sense himself to that degree as to be jealous; yet his Companions by their too frequent residence here, may be injurious to my unsuspected pleasures; but now these trifling fears are removed, and my kind youthful Gallant may come secure from the turn of Interruption:— Though such a Husband may be a Woman's grief upon one account, yet the good ill Quality may be useful upon another;— When my Lover is not expected, I confine the Sot to his hated Abstinence; but when his presence would be troublesome, I indulge his weakness, and the easy Fool thankfully withdraws.  Exit.  
Finis Actus Secundus.   

ACT III.  

SCENE, A Coffeehouse.  Scene draws, and presents Sir Popular's Mechanics seated at a Table, with News before 'em. They discourse seriously. 
1. NO, no, we shan't have a Parliament this half year, I have a great suspicion of some Court practices, let me tell you that.  
2.— Ay, there was a Council not long since, where 'twas debated about the establishing of a standing Army; but the result on't I shan't know till to morrow.  
1. For certain Neighbour?  
2. Ay, ay, but too sure, I had it from the mouth of one o' my Lord President's Grooms.  
3. There was a Stranger at my Shop very lately, that told me, the French Ambassador had a private Audience about some Affairs that nearly concerned the Liberty o' the Subject.  
1.— But Providence, I hope, will defeat all their Machinations.  
2. Here Boy, bring me the Impartial Protestant Mercury.  (Boy carries him a Paper. Enter Sir Popular, and Shuffle. Sir Pop. 
What News Mr. Fickle?  
2. Here's some that's material.  (Reads.) 
From Colchester we are informed, That on the 22d▪ Instant, a certain poor Journeyman Taylor lay entranced for some days, and could not be reduced to the least sense by all the Extremities could be applied;— at last after several painful groans, the Organs of his Body begun to be disposed, and he returned to himself; after which, he sent away for a learned Divine▪ and tendered him this following account, viz. That something appeared to him in the likeness of an Eagle, with Magna Charta under its Talons; then presently he heard a voice in these words, This is England' s Emblem, unless it use means.— Which Relation was not a little surprising to all True Protestants there present.  Shuf. 
'Twas only some Surfeit o' Cucombers.  Aside. Sir Pop. 
And Magna Charta under its Talons!— How exactly did the Vision represent Tyranny cowering over Liberty.  They seem startled. Shuf. 
— How desolate with thou be, to see the Honourable Court of Aldermen slavishly whipped with their own Fasces!  
●●●●●…hen our Chests will be rifled, our Goods and Chattels distrained, 〈…〉, and so be hanged at our own expense.  
〈…〉 Conventicles must be turned into Quires, our grave formal 〈…〉 fly Copes, whilst Hopkins and Sternhold blow the Bellows 〈…〉 the Organs.  Sir Pop. 
Our Matrons will be Ravished, our Daughters Deflowered, our Children brought up in profane Toryism.  in a Tone. Shuf. 
The face o' the times seem to threaten all this, and still we put the danger far from us.  Sir Pop. 
I wish the Divination of a Strolling Gipsy prove not too fatally consequent.  Shuf. 
Do ye mean the Prophecy in Seventy Eight?  Sir Pop. 
No, another since, but altogether to the same purpose; only in different Words and Postures;— This last, stared and raved and foamed, and then howled out in a dreadful Tone, the Dragon of Bow, will devour the Grasshopper of the Exchange.  Shuf. 
Trade you see must truckle to Superstition.  Sir Pop. 
The signs on the Change, to the sign of the Cross.  Shuf. 
— Lawful Gain, to Peterpences.  Sir Pop. 
— The Frock, to the Sirplice.  Shuf. 
— The Shop-Book, to the Mass-Book.  Sir Pop. 
And a good bargain of Wares to—  Shuf. 
— An ill one of Errors.  Sir Pop. 
— But since there's means, my Friends and Neighbours, let us be resolute; shall we be trampled upon like Worms, when we may resist like Lions? Let us Petition, Protest, Remonstrate, Covenant, and Associate against the Common Enemy; let us set apart a day of Humiliation for a Blessing upon our undertake; let none of us grudge our Christian Contribution to relieve our distressed Religion; it lies bleeding, and her gaping Wounds cry loud for Oil, whilst we only look on and pity; let us make a Public Bank, and list ourselves under St. Michael, to go out against the Dragon and his Angels.  All. 
Agreed, agreed, agreed.  They call for Coffee, the Boy fills the Dishes and placeth them; they take 'em off, Sir Pop. says Grace to himself, before he drinks, and after Sir Pop. 
Come, my Friends, our present Concerns desire more privacy.  Exit Omnes. Boy. 
Kindly-Welcome Gentlemen.  Enter Sir Credulous, Toper, and Flush. [They seat themselves.] Flush. 
Damn these dull drowsy Coffeehouses; I hate 'em;— None but your dosing Dunces of business come in 'em;— I had as soon be seen in a Church as here.  Sir Cred. 
O Sir, these are of great convenience to a Republic, I'll assure you; for beside the incomparable virtue of the Berry, you may know ●…here daily how the Pulse of the State beats.  Flush. 
Pray don't tell me o' your State Symptoms, if it be discomposed▪ I cannot retrieve it, unless a healing Draught, my own prescription, will do it.  Top. 
Ay, that's the only Restorative when all's done.  Flush. 
And we shall ha' work for't presently: we are so nigh your house, we shall have all the Mum-Glasses, and Coffee-pots about our ears quickly.  Sir Cred. 
What do you mean by that Mr. Flush?  Flush. 
Why, I fear the Inquisition of Toper's Hellish Wife, that piece of eager Wine upon the Fret.  Top. 
I frequent Coffeehouses so seldom, she'll never suspect I am here man.  Sir Cred. 
Mr. Toper, I can secure you three days to your own disposal, without interruption from her.  Top. 
Marry, Heavens bless you Worthy Sir, but how?  Sir Cred. 
I'll administer a certain thing of the nature of an Opiate, but made up of the choicest Ingredients the four Elements could afford.— 'Tis compounded of the Animal Spirits of a Dormouse, and several invaluable Simples refined by extraction; one Scruple provokes a dead sleep without intermission for three days.  Top. 
For pity sake, give her one Thousand, I'll pay for 'em with all my heart.  Sir Cred. 
Alas Sir, the Treasures of the East would not do it, yet however out o' revenge to her, and good will to you, I'll prepare a Semi-scruple more.  Top. 
And I'll drink your Health as long as I can stand.  Flush. 
What a parcel of Improbabilities lie scattered about here?— What's this?— The Domestic Intelligence?  (Takes up a Paper. Sir Cred. 
O let's hear that by all means; it insists upon the Revolutions of our own Country— Let's hear if—  Flush. 
The English Genius be as pregnant at invention, as the Foreign;— Well—.  (Reads.) 
Yarmouth, Nou. the 6th. This day a Vessel laden with Clare●s, was forced upon the Sands, and was slaved, before she could be got off; but all her Crew came safe .  Top. 
Marry, I should ha' liked the News better if the men had been lost, and the Wine saved.— A Murrain take the Storm.  Flush. 
— By the next ●umper, if I had been aboard, I would have embraced a sinking Hogshead, and gone to the bottom merrily.  Top. 
O mun, the Tritons had a blessed time on't.  Flush. 
— Ay, there was roaring do amongst 'em;— Sure 'twas a Jovial sight, to see old Neptune pierce a Vessel with his Trident, and all the watery Court drinking round in full Shells.  Top. 
— Then reeling along and breaking their Heads against the Rocks.  Sir Cred. 
— Seriously, 'twould be ravishing to hear the frolic Sirens sing, Down the Red Lane.  Top. 
— And to see the sociable Souls knock upon a wracked Hull for more Liquor.— Oh!  Flush. 
And the Green-sickness Nymph's simpering at full ones,— Puny Sluts.  Sir Cred. 
— 'Twas always my Hypothesis, that the Reflux was caused by their drinking, and the Flux by their disemboagning.  Flush. 
— And a very reasonable supposition too.  Sir Cred. 
— Indeed Gentlemen, I have spent some years study in searching into the Oeconomy of that Element, but not with the satisfaction my curiosity requires; I am now thinking to descend in a Vehicle of Glass, and so p●y into that Constitution, I shall be taken for some Crystalline Rock.  Top. 
Poo— this only loseth time. Boy— A Glass o' Mum.  (Boy brings one. Top. 
Jackanapes— why not fuller? Here's not above two Gulps.  Boy. 
— 'Tis right Brumswick, indeed Sir.  Sir Cred. 
— Pray Sir show me that Intelligence you had in your hand.  Flush. 
— No, no, we shall be too late.  Sir Cred. 
'Tis no matter then;— I had only a little occasion to look amongst the Advertisements.  Flush. 
Have you found some Spaniel, or strayed Horse?  Sir Cred. 
— No, but I have lost an elaborate Thought; if any o' the Poets find it, I shall never have it again.  Flush. 
Never fear it Sir Credulous, they commonly publish all they have, and more too a great many times.  Sir Cred. 
Mine are remarkable, I shall distinguish it,— But are you not for a Dish of Coffee?  Flush. 
No, no, I hate to have a puddle o' your Outlandish Nuisance cloging my Stomach.  Top, 
Puh.— a scouring Bottle of Pontack will scour it again, Mun.  Sir Cred. 
Nusance! Take it from me, its Virtues are unknown;— But what say you to a Glass of Mum.  Flush. 
Loathsome, ropy stuff; the tired Citizen's recruit: I need none of their Artificial Provocations▪  Sir Cred. 
Sweetheart, qualify a Dish of Coffee with an allay of Tea.  (Boy brings a Dish, he Drinks. Top. 
Faith let's be for Harry's now, I am for honest Trinkelo, I han't had my stowage this two days.  Flush. 
— Come Sir Credulous, now for a sprightly Cup.  (Exeunt. Boy. 
Welcome Gentlemen.   

SCENE II. Sir Popular' s House.  Enter Bravado and Carolietta. Carol. 
But would not Sir Popular be very severe with you if he was informed who you were?  Brau. 
Ay, as the Prentices are upon a Pillory'd Papist; there was a pious Baggage with him, did help to exasperate him the more.  Carol. 
I am sorry for your misfortune.  Brau. 
Let me be hanged, if I was not baited by a rack o'Slaves, worse than a Pickpocket; they lugged me about, and stripped me; and accused me of a design to fire the House, and that my Snush box was a Granado.  Carol. 
But could not the Boy that admitted you, resolve the doubt?  Brau. 
When I alleged, I had several honourable Visits to your Ladyship the little heedless Lace-coat said, he had never seen me here.  Carol. 
That forgetful Jack!  Brau. 
— But when the Constables came with their painted Authority in their hands, one of 'em knew me, and confirmed what I had said before in relation to myself; then Sir Popular begged my pardon, and promised me his assistance in the promotion o' the Match; which, Madam, I hope you'll please to bless with your consent.  Carol. 
As soon as you present me with Roman's Sword.  Brau. 
Alas Madam, 'tis too degenerous a Trophy, only your Commands will gloss it.  Carol. 
— Well Sir, I hope the next time I see you, to see the Sword in your hand.  Brau. 
I Protest Madam, to tell you truth, I do a little despair of disarming the Coward to day; my Engagements are so obliging, I fear I can scarce neglect 'em to correct his late insolence.— But—  Carol. 
These Men of Honour are always so taken up;— 'Tis some dwelling business I fancy.  Brau. 
Ay, by your fair self, and with both Sexes, let me perish.  Carol. 
— You are a Man o' business, Mr. Bravado.  Brau. 
— My Lady Love-all  (a pois take her) 
sent to me to be at my Lodgings about three; her Coach, it seems, must stop there; I had no sooner read her Billet, but I had another to unknot from my Lord Scruple, a ticklish resenting Puppy;— I must second him i'th' Morning.  Carol. 
I never thought my Lord had been quarrelsome.  Brau. 
No more he is; he has ill nature enough, but he wants Courage, hang him, I have been very smart on his Livery, have bantered his Coach and Horses, ridiculed the conceit of his Dress, checked the rudeness of his Caresses, corrected the harshness of his French, the darkness of his Stanzas; and from me all this seemed like privilege.  Carol. 
'Tis like Sir, you might claim a particular freedom, as his Familiar.  Brau. 
No Faith, I passed all this upon him at Longs' the first time I saw him; though if one, he suspected would not fight, had but misplaced the least Tittle, he would have improved it to a breach of Civility, and then ha' grown Captious.  Carol. 
So much for my Lord; now for my Lady Love-all; if I mistake her not, she's none o' the most correct Pieces.  Brau. 
As disorderly a Maukin as ever was beholden to art;— She has a cast of an eye, which I persuade her is a wanton, delicious Ogling; then her Lips are bloated, which she calls full and pouting; and her Chin is reflext, but she compliments the deformity as a dimple; then her complexion is a kind of a Hue made up of all colours, and changeable according to the position of the eye.  Carol. 
So,— your description is copious enough a'ready; yet it seems you can dispense with all these Erratas.  Brau. 
I protest her Passion is so unmanageable, she'll admit of no repulse. Nay, she'll betray it in public; She's now working me a Suit o' Lace which she expects I'll wear.  Carol. 
'Twere pity Sir to disappoint so kind a Creature, which I am afraid you must do, if your stay here be any longer;— I would not detain you another Minute for all the Joys you carry along with you;— Therefore, pray, if you must be formal, take your leave.  Brau. 
If the Queen of Love should come to court me, to the full possession of her store, I would refuse the sueing Charmer for one Kiss of that inviting Hand: Ay, tho' my Principle was in the Field, and stripping to encounter; I am sure I should struggle with my honour, before I could leave you.  Carol. 
Fie Sir, this is too soft, this Spirit will never disarm Roman.  Brau. 
I could as soon be kicked, and—  Enter Roman as reading a Letter: Bravado slinks out at the Door. Carol. 
Mr. Bravado, What are you gone?  (cries after him. Rom. 
— How! Was that sparkish thing here, and gone?  Carol. 
— Ay, and in all the haste that a Coward can make from the pursuit of danger;— I'm beholden to you Sir, else it would ha' been as difficult to ha' removed him, as 'tis to separate an old Statesman and his Opinion.  Rom. 
— I am sorry Madam, I was not instrumental to your delivery a little sooner.  Carol. 
Truly his Company was as insupportable, as a noise of Beggars is to a Miser; first he tortured me with an endless display of Prowess; then made a Digression to the Women, how passionate some person of Honour was for him; and—  Rom. 
I fear he'll scarce make me a Confident to his Amorous Achievements any more.  Carol. 
No,— you did not acquit your Trust with that Fidelity was requisite; but he resolves to correct you for't— I have appointed him proportionably a harder Task than ever Hercules undertook.  Rom. 
Is it to discharge a Potgun without winking.  Carol. 
No, 'tis only to make me a Present; I conceit I could wield a Sword well, and should fancy yours in particular; but I have made a Vow to receive it from no hand but his.  Rom. 
He'll sooner venture to snatch one out o' the hand of Justice.— But where's your Cousin Madam?  Carol. 
Gone to the New-Exchange Sir,— Did not her Boy give you a Letter?  Rom. 
Yes, but it did not take notice where she was; only, that her return would be within less than an hour.  Carol. 
In the mean time Sir, if you please to divert yourself with a History, I'll fetch you Sir Walter Raleigh; I have a little trifling concern that calls me away.  Rom. 
No,— I'll go and dispatch half an hours business, and be here again,— Madam your Servant.  Exit. Rom. Carol. 
— How agreeable this Gentleman's behaviour is in comparison of Bravadoes; his modest and equal Deportment steals on insensibly, and wins upon our Sex; whilst the other thinks his modish lewdness is most prevailing; and thus provokes hate with that very Quality he thinks incites Love.  Enter Juliana. Jul. 
Has Mr. Roman been here yet Cousin?  Carol. 
Yes, and newly gone.  Jul. 
— Gone!— It is not Three; I am sure the Chair-men paced away at a considerable rate, but did not he excuse his haste?  Carol. 
Only with a Promise he would be here again about half an hour hence;— But I'll leave you Cousin to be passionately elegant upon your Lover's absence.  Exit Carol. Jul. 

— And sure our thoughts tower with the noblest flights,  
When pinioned with the softest Plumes of Love;  
What Pageantries of fond Immortal Joys,  
And what vain senseless fears we apprehend1  
Tyrannic Passion blindly curbs our Souls,  
And subjects all our reason to its Laws;  
Whilst slavishly we own its Sovereign right  
Esteeming such bright Chains as Ornaments.   Enter Boy with a Letter. Boy. 
Madam, a Footman in a Blue Livery seamed with red, gave me this Letter.  (gives her the Letter.) Exit. Jul. 
'Tis from Mr. Roman, Pray Heavens the Enclosure prove as welcome; I open it with as much awful dread, as a modest Penitent does his heart to his Confessor.  (Reads it and sighs.) 
— Nor was my fears, thin shallow Phantoms;— Alas some ill natured business has detained him; and we must be divorced a whole day more;— A Day!— It must not be— I can't be racked with the Convulsions of hope and fear so long;— I'll write with all the feeling Thought, Pathetic Love candictate.— But sure he'll come, 'twas only some design to heighten my surprise.— But if he should not— Yes he will— my confusion of thought distracts me;— I make needless Objections, and return as wild Answers;— Well— my restless passion has almost wrought itself into a calm;— my Spirits grow dull, my Eyelids heavy, and all my Faculties indisposed;— I'll endeavour to settle my disorders with a Slumber.  (She sits down, and leans back as sleeping. Enter Sir Popular, Sir Credulous, and Jeffry. Sir Cred. 
Ha! Seriously the Lady's Organs are untuned;— but done't disturb her.  Sir Pop. 
Pray let me conceive your reason for't.  Sir Cred. 
You shall know it presently— Jeffry here take this Key,— go into my Repository, and fetch me the Paper with the black Seal upon't.  Jeffry takes the Key and goes out. Sir Pop. 
I hope you intent no harm here, Sir Credulous,  Sir Cred. 
— No, no,— I have only sent for a certain Philter, which was found out after many years travel, and long experience, by that Aesculapius of his▪ Age, Don Arnando Curioso the Spanish Physician.  Sir Pop. 
The Virtues of it?  Sir Cred. 
— They are innumerable Sir,— if you be Frenchifyed, it cures you beyond Mercury, without Salivation or Bagneo, if you be scorbutic, it carries off the malignity by its operation Diuretic,— if▪ you be Hypocondriacal, it—  Sir Pop. 
— Here's a hippo-conjuring with you;— Do you make my House an Hospital? This was not the business of your visit, I conceive, Sir.  Sir Cred. 
But its greatest virtue is—  Sir Pop. 
— Pray no more of its Vices, Sir.  Sir Cred. 
I tell you Sir, 'tis of so subtle and insinuating a nature, that by its Incorporation with the air, it smites upon the Olfatick Organ, and produceth the effect of Love; 'twill be requisite to my design with your Niece.  Sir Pop. 
Most requisite indeed.  Enter Jeffry gives him a Paper. Sir Cred. 
Sir Popular take care to hold your Nose upon the opening of this Paper, or your Passion may be greater for me then becomes your Sex; Jeffrey, do you make use of the same precaution.  Jef. 
Not I Sir, none can love a good Master too well.  Sir Cred. 
An honest Servant.  Sir Cred. unties the Paper. Sir Pop. ges up to him, and speaks through the Nose. Sir Pop. 
In earnest, 'tis like your ordinary Damask Powder.  Sir Cred. 
It resembles it indeed.  Sir Cred. holds it under Juliana's Nose. Sir Pop. 
'Tis no such subtle Body, Sir Credulous  Sir Cred. 
— You must know Sir, there are certain minute Volatile Particles afloat amongst the grosser; and from these proceeds this Philo-poietick quality.  Jef. 
His Trumperies are like the French flim-flams, valuable only because of their hard Names.  (Aside.) Sir Cred. ties up the Stuff. Sir Cred. 
Here Jeffry,— carry it safely back.— But hark you Sirrah, has no odd Commotions solicited you?  Jef. 
I'faith Sir, Methinks you look exceeding lovely; ah that Eye, that Chin, that Forehead; i'faith Lady Master if you were but a Woman, I know what I know— ah,  Sir Cred. 
Get you gone, get you gone, you Knave you;— did not I give you warning o' this.  (Ex. Jeff. bowing and kissing his hand towards Sir Cred. Sir Cred. 
Now, Sir Popular, you may enlarge your imprisoned sense.  Sir Pop. 
What a wonderful effect it has wrought upon the poor Creature, I perceive there's no resistance.  Sir Cred. 
You may as soon unravel your Destiny.  Sir Pop. 
Now Sir, since your Marriage with my Niece is unquestionable, I conceive, you'll consider how active and industrious I have been; her Fortunes are exactly as I acquainted you; and thereupon I must presume to tell you, I have a Suit to you  Sir Cred. 
I won't part with an Atom of my Powder before hand.  Sir Pop. 
Under favour Sir, d●… believe my request to be so unreasonable;— 'Tis only to lend the Good Old Cause one Thousand Pound before the Consummation of your Conjugal 〈◊〉, and another Thousand after.  Sir Cred. 
What, then is your Brotherhood's Treasury exhausted?  Sir Pop. 
— 'Tis only lent for the better confirmation of our Laws and Liberties; and must be to be expended in the maintenance of the Cause aforesaid; I am commissioned Receiver, and will take care your Talon shall be improved; in earnest I will.  Sir Cred. 
Soft;— She awakes.—  Juliana as ignorant of their presence. Jul. 

Why did the dear delusion fleet away,  
And so abruptly close its flattering Scene?  
How pleasingly transported have I been  
With short and kind abusing Ecstasies?  
I thought I tumbled on a Mossy Pallet,  
Close by a Stream that gently stole away,  
And humed with soft confusion as it run  
Amongst the rustling Pebbles, and along  
The verdant Banks, grew Rows of stooping Vines:  
Up starts a Sylvan from a Covert bush,  
Untwines the circling Branches till they bled,  
And brought the swelling Clusters to my hand,  
Then after some Grimaces, tripped away.  
One Grape far more transparent than the rest  
I culled, and sporting with it, dropped it in,  
Then catching at it suddenly, methought  
I slipped, and so awaked with the affright.  
Still, still—   Skee sees 'em and starts. Sir Pop. 
Niece, Niece, I must not suffer you to choose a Grape for yourself, I have provided one here for you.  Sir Cred. 
Lady, I was the Grape you were so concerned for, and am safe;— through this transparency you may read my passion.  Jul. 
Pray Sir don't insult over an innocent surprise.  Sir Cred. 
'Twill be convenient Sir Popular▪ that you moralise the Sylvan and withdraw; I perceive the Operation already; therefore your Presence and the Lady's Modesty may be a little disonant.  Sir Pop. 
In earnest, you provide discreetly.  [Ex. Sir Pop. Sir Cred. 
Now fair Angel, let not an Abstemious Bashfulness restrain your Desires; Come and pour out your Lovesick Soul into my Breast,— I'll cherish it, and restore it whole again.  (Goes to her to Salute her, she throws from him. Jul. 
— Infect not me with your Pestilent Breath; I loathe your Embraces.  Sir Cred. 
Shaw, this is the strangest humour: Come, I'm confident you love me.  Jul. 
Enjoy your belief then.  [Ex. Juliana. Sir Cred. 
Well.— She shall never taste the Joys she has refused, I'll punish this coyness with disdain, till her Tears petrify her; then she shall stand as a Monument for bashful Maids.  Enter Carol. Carol. 
I cry you mercy Sir, if I have intruded upon your Secrecy; I expected my Cousin had been here.  Sir Cred. 
Don't retreat my Pretty Creature, bless me only till I have given you an account of that unhappy Creature.  Carol. 
Unhappy! No sure.  Sir▪ Cred. 
She might ha' been otherwise, only she neglected it;— in Fine, Madam, she loves me.  Carol. 
In troth▪ as great an unhappiness as could befall her.  (Aside.) 
But I hope Sir, you are not so cruel as to see her Virgin Blossoms snatched by Death; since you can prevent the Tyrant's long reach.  Sir Cred. 
But if I do; I'll be hanged in her Zone;— She has already disowned her Title to my Heart, and never shall be admitted to a second Claim.  Carol. 
Truly some o' these Women are so humorous— Now, I never could refuse in public, something I longed for, and then condemn myself for it in private.  Sir Cred. 
Most excellent Form, you alone have reconciled me to your Sex; There is a secret Harmony betwixt our Complexions, and I do here proclaim you Mistress of my Heart.  Enter Bravado. Brau. 
What— Sir Credulous here?— You have made use o' my Name Knight for your Introduction.  Sir Cred. 
You mistake Sir; my own challengeth a greater Interest.  Brau. 
And you have a pretence to that Lady.  Sir Cred. 
I have seriously; and her goodness has encouraged it.  Brau. 
— Madam will you throw yourself away, upon an undiscerning Idiot, that dotes more upon Tinsel Toys than real perfections? He'll barter your whole Fortunes for a Painted Rattle.  Sir Cred. 
Lady, he's a stupid Illiterate Animal; in nothing humane, but only that he laughs and looks up;— You must pardon him, he knows not how to value a Rarity.  Brau. 
Why, you Incorrigible Fool, will you miscall your Trangam Rarities?  Sir Cred. 
I'll appeal to you Lady if these be Trangams;— First for Antiquities— I can produce one o' the Trojan Horse's Shoes; a Black-Jack of a Grecian Officer's Boot-Top; a Pocket-Glass of Janus' Spectacles, and several others. Now for my Novelties—  Brau. 
Your Antiquities are Cheats, and your Novelties, Trash.  Sir Cred. 
— Thou art a Moving Clod, and acts only by the Dictates of Heat and Moisture.  Brau. 
You are an Hospital of lame Arts, and sickly Sciences.  Sir Cred. 
Thou art a Liar with a bad Invention.  Brau. 
— Thou art a Title-page to a Treatise of Elves and Goblins.  Sir Cred. 
Thou art an Aesop Fables, without the Morals:  Carol. 
Gentlemen, you talk of Elves and Goblins, would they don't hear you; I'll assure you this Room's haunted.  Brau. 
By Jupiter, if a leering Shadow should come in hither, I would make bold to kick its lean Worship out again.  Sir Cred. 
I scarce think thou hast bravery enough to encounter Air.  Brau. 
I never heard he durst draw a Sword.  (Aside.) 
Come Sir Draw, you shall have a fatal proof on't presently.  They both Draw. Sir Cred. 
Now Sir, I'm for ye.  Brau. 
— Ha';— Would I were well off it again.  (Aside.) 
'Tis your Armour perhaps that makes you resolute; we'll strip and fight it fairly.  They both strip. Carol. 
Indeed Gentlemen, there shall be no blood shed here;— I'll call in the House.  Exit Carol. Sir Cred. 
Now Caitif, I'll mince thee worse than a City Sempstress does her words.  Brau. 
— And this shall maul you more, than a dull Author does his Original.  Sir Cred▪ 
Have at your Soul.—  [They both fly back, and push quick at a distance. Enter two Antics and Dance, Sir Credulous and Bravado run in a Fright to either side of the Stage, and stand close; The Antics take their Coats in the Dance, and throw 'em out at either Door, than their Hats, than their Peruques off their Heads, and dance out with 'em. Sir Credulous looks out fearfully. Sir Cred. 
Bless me, what a frightful Gambol was this, am I alive, tro.  Brau. locks up. Brau. 
Are they gone— I am all in a Sweat,— Doubtless they were a couple of Devils, that were waiting for us, if we had killed one another.  Sir Cred. 
But they were disappointed for all their cunning;— My hair stood so erect, I could perceive it move my Wig.  Brau. 
Why, where is it?  Sir Cred. lays his hand upon his head. Sir Cred. 
Good now! 'Tis gone and yours too.  Brau. 
— Mine too! A Plague o' their Pilfering Frolic;— And our  too, as I live—  They look simply upon one another. Enter Carol. Carol. 
You are like Gladiators indeed now, Gentlemen.  Brau. 
I Protest Madam, Sir Cred. owes his Life to an Accident, or let me perish  Car. 
— Was not your Sword sharp enough?  Sir Cred. 
Ha', ha', the Lady was arch upon him there; ha', ha', seriously the Fancy makes me amends for the loss of my .  Carol. 
— How!— Your  gone, say you?  Brau. 
Ay, faith Madam,— just as I directed the dead-doing point to his Heart, his guardian Devil interrupted the Pass, sweeped away our , and vanished in a Flash o' Fire.  Sir Cred. 
Fair Creature, the odds were mine when the Daemons came;— but the truth on't is, they took their leave a little rudely.  Carol. 
Gentlemen, Sir Popular will be here presently; therefore if you'll walk into my Chamber you may be unseen there, till you can Careen yourselves again.  [Exeunt.   

ACT IU.  

SCENE I. Shuffle ' s Lodging.  Shuffle solus. 
HOw ill my Practice and my Principles agree!— My Maiden honour at first resolved and struggled with unwilling Conflicts, before it yielded; but Poverty importuned, and Proffers prevailed;— Now I can cheat a Citizen with a City Conscience;— Yet still methinks I have some remorse;— But why have I?— These People I deal with, deserve no better;— They'll lift one hand up to Heaven, and pick Pockets with the other:— A fair Correspondence with them, loses its gloss; and is but Honesty misplaced; But—  Enter a Quack. Quack. 
‛ Tees strange Sir, you should not remember me, meetheenks you have no reeson too complain of me usage,— Dee Cure was both speedy an perfect:— But you dou foorgeet me.  Shuf. 
No, no, my Shins and Shoulders put me in mind of you: I feel the Symptoms on't still; I fear the Lues frets in my Veins still; then, I have Gleetings frequently.  Quack. 
Dese be oonly some Seminal Wastings, the which do proceed from your Weakness; bot me vill send you a Dose of my Pilulae Retentrices, the which vill obstruct 'em.  Shuf. 
None o' your sipper-sawses for me any more, good Mr. Doctor, you have tampered with me too much already; but my comfortis, No Cure, no Money.  Quack. 
Well, Well, bot Begar me vill not abused by you,— Me vill eder have my Money or your Boody.  Shuf. 
A Pox o' your damned mincing; why do you clip at this rate to me you Sergeant Rascal; do not I know you? Was not I the first that advised you to melt your words; and pass for a Foreigner? If it had not been for me, you had only been a Zany still; Did not I witness you went out Doctor at Milan, and taught you to counterfeit your Testimonial from thence?  Quack. 
Well, Well, this shan't bring you off, I'll tell you so much.  Shuf. 
Do your worst you drudging Clyster-pipe, I'll make you fly the Town, I'll assure you; I'll acquaint the College who you are; and how you are in Fee with an Apothecary, to prescribe costly Drugs, and rich Compositions; which he only observes in the making up of his Bill, but never in his Administrations.  Quack. 
You shall lose yourself, as you walk along, before I repair you again.  Shuf. 
You repair me!— You Suppositor; thou art not Physician enough to prescribe a Drench;— Get you gone and rake in distressed Fundaments; hid your Ignorance with hard words; and maul your Latin beyond cure.  Ex. Angrily Enter a Milliner. Shuf. 
Sir, your humble Servant;— Faith I am glad you're come, I was just going to send for you.  Mill. 
Honest Mr. Shuffle give me your hand;— I was going upon a little business this way, and thought you would take it ill if I did not call to see you;— My Wife gives her service to you.  Shuf. 
— It seems then this Visit was designed;— You told her you were coming hither.  Mill. 
No really not I; she surmised so, but I did not design it at that time.  Shuf. 
Then the Obligation is less o' my side:— Come, come, you Gentle Rogue you, you came o' Dunning, did not you? Hang't Man, modesty and the business of your Errand are inconsistent.  Mill. 
Really Mr. Shuffle you mistake me, I had no occasion for Money.  Shuf. 
And that's well; the truth on't is, I have money ready, because I am unwilling to transgress my promise; but since your Occasions are indifferent, 'twill do me a kindness; I must dispose of it elsewhere.  Mill. 
But a—  (Scratcheth his head.) 
Well— dye see— I am now going.  Shuf. 
—— Nevertalk of going yet Man; here will be my Lord Change presently; he has turned off his old Milliner; I'll recommend you to him; he shall go home with you and furnish himself.  Mill. 
Your Servant good Sir, I fear I shall be too late for an occasion; besides, I don't go directly home, I have Concerns by the way.— Here's one at Door Sir—  Exit. Enter a Solicitor. Soll. 
Mr. Shuffle the Money has been due above a Fortnight, and I could hear nothing from you.  Shuf. 
How could you expect it, unless it were to contract another Debt with you; doubtless you are not so unreasonable as to demand Payment.  Soll. 
— You know Sir, I am only an Agent, 'tis fewer business; I am obliged to the Duty of my Office.  Shuf. 
Prithee don't shame me with your Duty and your Office; d'ye think I am a stranger to your specious plausible Cheats, don't I know how you shift and contract in one another's Names.  Soll. 
I profess to you, the Money was not my own.  Shuf. 
May be so; nor is that your own by right, which you hook in by your barbarous advantages; how many raw Cullies have I decoyed e'er now into your ravirous Nooses.  Soll. 
And I think Sir, you used to have a considerable share.  Shuf. 
Did not my Treachery deserve it?— That I should be such a Villain as to sell my Friends! Well, since you have passed this upon me, I'll do the young Gentleman some justice upon you.  Soll. 
— You can't injure me, the Law will justify me.  Shuf. 
 justify your contracting with Minors? and taking advantage o their Nonage, by some o' your legal Quirks.  Soll. 
— There's no such thing, I never exacted so.  Shuf. 
Have you the Forehead to deny it? Have not I provided you of such Squires as would subscribe to any terms for the relievance o' their present wants? I'll unravel all, I'll promise you;— We'll plague you, if a Bill in Chancery will do't.  Soll. 
— See what that Court will decree for you;— but you are so passionate, I had rather pay the Money, than be concerned with you;— So your Servant.  Exit. Roman knocks, Shuffle stands close and won't speak. Enters. Rom. 
His Door's open, he must be within.  [Rom. spies him.] 
Here, here, I want nothing of you; I am none o' your Miser's Ghosts that haunt you for Treasure.  Shuf. 
I'll promise you, I thought, by the authority of your Rap, that you'd been some person of a worse design; I have been tormented with these sort of Creatures unmercifully.  Rom. 
Not so ill as I have been with another sort.  Shuf. 
Where Prithee?  Rom. 
— In Grays-Inn Walks.  Shuf. 
— There's variety of humour;  Rom. 
— If Apery may be called humour.  Shuf. 
It passes for it there;— But who did you see?  Rom. 
— I saw that splendid, Orthodox Fop, Jack Rigle, and was troubled with him.  Shuf. 
How?  Rom. 
Why first, after he had run out his Chain o' Thoughts, by way of Greeting, he broke out, Damn, he was glad to see me, and especially at that Juncture; for he had expressed his sense o' the Times, Allegorically, in a Letter from Leghorn; and must have my judgement on't, which I vouchsafed very freely, and told him his Style was tedious and obscure; he had so tagged it with misapplyed Figures, that like his Pantaloons, it made a noise and was troublesome.  Shuf. 
And would not he Glout upon't?  Rom. 
No, but would reconcile me with some of his Rhapsodies which he produced; I read, but he thought I did not give 'em grace enough, and thereupon snached 'em, than thundered 'em off in a fancied Heroic greatness;— but the woefullest stuff that ever Aquafortis writ on Knife, or Tobaco-Box.  Shuf. 
He affects that way of tinkling, but with ill success commonly.— Well, how was you rid of him?  Rom. 
Another seasonable Fop came singing up to us, and took him aside; then begging my pardon, which I easily granted, he turned out his Toes, and gracefully moved away.  Shuf. 
How did you bestow yourself then?  Rom. 
— I kept my seat still, and presently, two trim, loud Gentlemen seated themselves by me, and made remarks upon all that past by; then would babble Gibberish to one another, thinking to have it mistaken for French: Now would be passionate and talk of love, making Allusions to the Trees, and walks; after a while two Ladies came, and took up the Bench below me; which they no sooner saw, but left me and run upon them.  Shuf. 
— Was not Harry Smirk there?  Rom. 
Yes, yes, and shouldered a tawdry Chambermaid along, and bore all the time; he had up all his revised motions of head and hand; nor could a female pass without a distorted bow, and an obliging smile from him.  Shuf. 
He has a pretty impudent familiar way with him;— But was not Madam Burly to be seen?  Rom. 
O, She's as constant as the Usurer; she was trolling about very painfully, and all muffled up in Lace; then, her Knots, her Towers, her Gloves, her Gown, were so exact, and suiting, they represented her a most uniform deformity.  Shuf. 
You had variety of entertainment indeed.  Rom. 
Ay;— there was a poor discarded Poet sitting very pensively under the Covert of an Elm; I pitied his solitude, and walked up to him; and after an Epitome of his observations, he begun to complain o' the humour o' these times; that preferred silly apish Farce, to true solid wit.  Shuf. 
May be he had been damned lately.— Now let me have your company to the Coffee-house; and you shall see as luxurious a Medley of Manners there, tho' of another nature.  Rom. 
I can't hear a sordid Slave saucily arraign the Proceed of his Superiors, besides, Sir Popular and I are at odds.  Shuf. 
He won't be at the Cabal this time, he's treating about Marriage with that old harra'st Whore, I told you off.  Rom. 
'Twill be very merry if she can but bubble him at long run.  Shuf. 
Never doubt it; I have whetted him, and am in Fee for my Interest o' both sides; I'll serve myself of him, and then expose him.  Rom. 
— I must go steal into his House, which I should hate like a Pest-House, but only that the Divine Juliana's there.  [Exit. Rom. Shuf.  

SCENE II. Sir Popular's House, A Dining-Room.  Enter Sir Credulous, and Bravado, as without Wigs and Coats, with 'em Carolietta. Carol. 
Gentlemen, if you had been seen in my Chamber, perhaps the occasion might ha'been censured too severely; but here's a Closet in this Room will secure you.  Brav▪ 
This Whoreson Boy o' mine! He might ha' been here before this; I shall be too late, I have 2 or 3 Cowards to Post before 6 a-Clock.  Sir Cred. 
Jeffry stays long too;— What an unadvised Mortal was I to undertake any thing this particular day; Hesiod reckons it inauspicious in his Emeralogia; yesternight the Candle burned blue, and this Morning I saw a Tom-Tit perching upon a Bough with his Tail towards me: I divined—  Brau. 
Hang your Divinations.  Sir Cred. 
Methinks I feel some chilling Particles tacitly creeping through my Pores.  Speaks as if cold. Carol. 
Come but into the Closet, and I'll fetch either of you a Nightgown.  Shows 'em into the Closet▪ Carol. 
I fancy this Knight is the most humorous Whim that ever made antic Love; I have provided a pleasanter Masque than the last was, if it have but the good fortune to take— Here are some Implements in order to it.  Lays down two Vizards on the Table. Exit Carol. Enter at the other side Gullman and Faith. Gull. 
Didst observe Wench what a languishing kind of a Leer Sir Popular squinted at me?  Faith. 
Yes, I believe your Canting Fop is a little carnal; he's just such another Arch Wag, as our Brown Betty picked up in the Rounds one Night.  Gull. 
— Ho; I remember him;— He used to bring a Sword and Riding coat under his black Cloak, to appear sparkish; he thought his own Habit was too notorious; He was a good friend to the House tho'.  Faith. 
But he took so much Flogging up to't, before one could stir his Inclinations.  Gull. 
Betty would complain, she used bodily austerity upon him, till her Arms ached; he was a little dull of Discipline, only he paid well.  Faith. 
— A shame take her for a Slut, she encroached upon me that night; he was made prize in my Province;— marry was he.  Gull. 
He dispatched business three times a Week in the Blue Chamber constantly;— But I hope I shall have no need to return to these poor shifts again.  Faith. 
If the Scrivener prove but faithful.  Gull. 
— He's well enough; the pretext of a mistake will indemnify him; he really has that Widow's Fortunes in his hand that I personate;— Then Mr▪ Shuffle will endeavour to promote it for his own sake.  Faith. 
Now Madam if advice from me would not seem a little untimely to one of your experience; I should look upon't as the safest way to secure him; to let him command the freedom of your person, when you perceive a rising desire fermenting in his Veins, he would then certainly Mary you, lest the discovery of his fall, should bring scandal to the Fraternity.  Gull. 
May be Wench he'll take us unawares; therefore leave the Prayer-book upon the Table, and go down.  (Faith lays down a Book.) Exit. Enter Sir Popular. Sir Pop. 
Sister Spotless, I had come sooner, but that I was obliged to do justice upon a wicked Apostatising Brother, nay more, he was taken with a false Worshipper in the very Act of Filthiness, Foh! Foh! I am sick with the Repetition.  Gull. 
Oh! abominable, well plainly I am armed against all the Insults of lend men, there lies my Sword of Defiance▪  Points to her Prayer-Book, which Sir Pop▪ takes up. Sir Pop. 
In earnest a good Woman, I'll warrant it, some of our thorough reformed Authors: Well, the Wicked may talk of their Ability and Learning, but I could as soon edify on the Seven Champions, as the best of their Writings; no, no, writing of Divinity to any purpose is a sort of Hereditary Patrimony, which none but our Sanctify'd Brethren can justly lay claim to: What! the Title-Page is lost? What may you call this Sister?  Gull. 
I have even forgot the Name, I fall commonly directly to the Matter, 'tis very edifying.  Sir Pop. 
No doubt on't, a body may know a good Book by Sympathy, my Bowels commonly Sympathize with an Holy Author, before I know one word of his meaning; but let me see,  (He takes out his Spectacles.) 
I'll find you out a place presently that suits my Imperfections. Ha! How! What's here? Sure I don't see right.  (He opens the Book, and it proves to be Obscene. Gull. 
Oh! I am ruined, 'tis it, but too sure, that cursed careless Jade.  Sir Pop. turns into the middle again. Sir Pop. 
How! What means this?— Avoid, avoid, O wicked!  Runs out and reenters. Gull. 
Abominable, Oh Brother she's lost, she's lost, utterly lost, this was that wicked lost Wretches doing, my sinful Maid: Oh! Horrid, and defile my Chamber too with it! I must even take a new Lodging, I shall be as afraid to stay hereafter, as if the Room was haunted with Spirits.  Sir Pop. 
Turn her away Sister, she would corrupt a Convert.  Gull. 
She's a Harlot, an unclean Harlot, and shall be no longer under my Roof.  Sir Pop. 
What will you say now if this Pious piece have some itching Inclinations this way herself? I can guests shrewdly by my own Hypocrisy, and believe me, an affected Cant, and a lift or two of the Whites, are the easiest parts of Devotion, I'll attempt her at a distance, and if her Inclinations are right, she'll quickly make the most of a double meaning Saying.  (Aside.) 
Well Sister, I cannot but think of this lost Creature, but indeed we are all frail; but when we find ourselves weak, we should apply wholesome Remedies to prevent the growth of our Distemper; letus, Dear Sister, beware of our own steps, we know not how soon the Minute of Sin may come upon us, we'll arm against it; let us be joined together to morrow in Pious Wedlock.  Gull. 
Ah Brother the memory of my late Husband forbids it, though I must confess, I wish to be secure from Temptation as well as may be: But Brother let us burn that filthy obscene Book, verily I shall be sick whilst it stays in the Room: Oh, I am extreme queasy, t'other day I eat but a little piece of a Pullet that was singed with a Leaf of an old Common-Prayer-Book, and it has lain in my Stomach ever since.  Sir Popular takes up the Book again and looks in it, and at every Picture be shrugs, grinns, and leers at Gullman, who turns up her eyes, and wriggles about Sir Popular. Sir Pop. 
Well Sister, we will however see the Inventions of the Wicked, and detest them: Good lack! Sincerely 'tis pretty to the eye, though it be Lewd and Abominable.  Gull. 
Ay, They have the Pleasures of this vain World.  Sir Pop. 
They have so, you little Rogue you; you Pigs-ny's, you little Creature, ye Pugs-face you.  (He chucks her under the Chin.) 
In earnest, I am I know not how— As it might be— Strangely, I say it Backsliding.— Well, let me be far enough, Is the Canonical hour passed?  (He Jumps up.) 
I profess, Matrimony shall be ratified to morrow, you pretty little Fubs you.  Gull. 
Indeed Brother! Oh no, it will be Friday an unluckily day,  Sir Pop. 
Oh foh! Dear Sister, that is really Antichristian, and Superstitious; What! An Observer of Times and Seasons? Oh! 'Tis Popery altogether, beside we must not trust ourselves too long in the hands of the Tempter: No, no, to Morrow, to Morrow.  He takes up the Book again, and looks, and laughs, and strokes Gullman's Bubbies. Gull. 
Sure you mistake Brother, it must not be by any means.  Sir Pop. 
Why Sister, why art thou refractory? I tell thee, while our thoughts are upright, we may do what is pleasing to us: Well, well, my little Spouse, you are my Spouse, you Wag you, my Heart is wedded to thee, and I must fulfil my just desires with thee; Oh the Comfortable Condition of Wedlock! I say Sister hearken unto me.  Gull. 
But Brother, the Wicked may see us, let us not be a stumbling-block before them.  Sir Pop. 
Sister, here is an Apartment in this Room convenient for us, but least some wand'ring eye should be about the Keyhole, I'll fetch these Whirligigs I observed upon the Table; in earnest, these Vanities may be useful though vot lawful.  He fetches the Vizards. Gull. 
Well Brother, you are even the most Powerful Man!  They put on the Vizards, and go for the Closet, Sir Pop. opens the Door, Sir Cred. and Brau. bolt out and run off, crying Devils, Sir Pop. and Gull. as in confusion. Sir Pop. 
Sister, Sister, make haste down;— These Roisters have set the House in an Uproar;— I'll only set things in order, than come to your Lodgings and comfort you.  Gull. 
— I hope if you come 'twill be for an honest end Brother.  Exit. Gull. Sir Pop. 
How strangely this Creature is infatuated betwixt Lust and Zeal; This Religion is a pretty sort of deluding Perspective, it represents all Objects of its own colour;— I have used it like a Jac-call, it hunts down the Prey, but never goes to share;— Well, this Surprise had like to have been fatal;— How the Devil came Sir Credulous in this Closet, and in that posture?— A Ourse upon the Disappointment: But she'll continue perhaps in her Sacred Rapture;— I'll go to her before her Transport be settled, and renew my Court; This Religious Twang, I perceive, is the most prevailing way of Caress; if I carry her but at last, I have played the Hypocrite to some purpose;— 'Tis lucre that licenseth all things, I hate a Conscience must be humoured.—  

Mine is a Complaisant, Good Natured Toy,  
Demure as City Dames, but never Coy.   Exit.  

SCENE II.  Enter Amazonia. Amaz. 
'Tis strange, this dear expected man should stay, I am all Convulsion till he comes;— My dead, dried up Sot is now belching out his noisome fumes, and weltering upon his Elbows amongst wet Tobaco on a slattered Table; whilst I am preparing for a Luscious Brimmer of Love, with all the restless Drought Desire can cause.  Enter Bravado. Brau. 
My dear Creature, if this Transgression beyond the Period, can be atoned with the Sacrifice of my Heart; you have kindled it with your Eyes, and here I'll offer it.  Amaz. 
Indeed I wished and fretted till I saw you,— But why these Flourishes? I'll excuse you without this Eloquence; this is not the Language of Love and Familiarity;— But where were you?  Brau. 
Let me die, if I did not come almost directly from Sir Popular's; Madam Charlietta  (a poison her) 
detained me.  Amaz. 
I perceive than I am neglected;— These Men  on new Mistresses like new Fashions, tho' the old ones be both more easy and graceful.— Well, false man, Well.  Brau. 
Prithee my Dear don't pout.  Amaz. 
I am sure she's as ill shaped a Jone as ever was modelled by Rectifier; then her Smile is the oddest simp'ring air; her Teeth are rusty in spite of all the Operator's art, and fit only to be scoured with a Shooe-Brush; then she flourisheth her Fan so awkerdly; and shadows with her Patches so irregularly; Fough— I admire you can think on her.  Brau. 
Hang her a fond young Slut; she forced her Maidenhead upon me; and is grown the most Insatiate Creature;— I was forced to heap Sin upon Sin, and Lie upon Lie, before I could get, and was excused from her; at last, with much ado:— Indeed she presented me with a Pendulum of a most ingenious fancy.  Amaz. 
You base, unconstant Wretch, get you gone, and replenish your feeble drained Chine with Broths and Jellies, and away to her again.  she throws away. Brau. 
My Dearest! I have plentiful Reserves still;— Let me stifle you with the Sweets of Love.  Amaz. 
Well, false Man, I'll trust my Honour in your hands once more, but if you come near her again, may all the Curses that an injured incensed Rival and a Woman can invent, fall upon you.  Brau. 
But let us not delay our mutual happiness, my Dear, all things conspire to heighten our blessing.  Amaz. 
Ay,— the Cuckold snores by this time; and the next Room waits us with all its Conveniences;— Here take my hand—  Brau. 
Ha!— What noise is this?— Yonder's some bustle below.  Enter a Servant. Seru. 
Sir, Sir, here are a Company of rude Gentlemen that swear they'll have this Room,— One of 'em they call Mr. Flush— They're coming up.—  Exit. Amaz. 
Oh dear— Alas! I am undone;— He's my Husband's Companion,— Run, run behind the Hang there, whilst I go behind the Curtain, that skreens the fire place.  They hid themselves severally. Enter Sir Credulous, Flush, Toper, and two Bullies. Flush. 
Gentlemen, we are now in great Nature's Storehouse, here's both Wine and Women;— Let every man follow the dictates of his Inclination.— I declare for bowzing; let all such as are Proselytes for the great Genius o' Good-fellowship, hold up their hands.  They all hold up but Sir Credulous. Flush. 
What is the Knight a Heretic?  Top. 
— Marry he deserves to ' be staked to a Tobaco-pipe, and burnt in Brandy for't.  Flush. 
His Spurs shall be●●…l'd off, his Arms reversed, and his Posterity attainted.  Sir Cred. 
Seriously Gentlemen, my temperament won't allow it; you see I am sanguine, hot and moist; but heat is the predominant quality.  Flush. 
'Sbud, is that a Carcase to be indulged,— Come, come, disoblige it for compliance and be drunk.  Sir Cred. 
O Sir, you never think of an Inflammation.  Flush. 
Shaw,— What signifies it to be lukewarm a little; I would not shirk a Glass for a general Conflagration.  Top. 
Wow, this is a stingy humour Sir Credulous;— fill up your thirsty Veins with consoling Bub, Mun; then fall down dead.  Flush. 
And when you're translated to Purgatory, disgorge your o'ercharged Stomach, and so put out the flame.  Sir Cred. 
A Glass or so, gentlemans, is very inspiring, therefore rather than reta●'d your Jollity, I'll neglect myself, and take one round.  All, 
O rare Sir Credulous.  Sir Cred. 
Now for the Quantity and Quality.  Top. 
Quantity! Fie, fie, no Limitations, Mun;— We are resolved to have a Bout on't, and agreed upon this place as the most out o' my Wife's Road;— The Devil's in her if she finds us out here.— What think you?—  Sir Cred. 
Has she taken my Drops?  Top. 
Ay marry, I stole 'em into her Glass at Dinner; I saw her begin to stretch and gape presently after.  Sir Cred. 
They'll do her business.  Top, 
— I am as dry as Touchwood; What shall we drink?  Sir Cred. 
— No sophisticated French Wine; 'Tis full of Tartar.  Flush. 
— What say you to a spacious Bowl o' Punch, Genteels.  All. 
— A Bowl o' Punch, a Bowl of Punch.  Top. 
— Hoa— the House— here.—  Enter a Servant. Flush. 
— Go and compound a Bowl o' Punch quickly; you have my Receipt, let it direct you;— only remember to throw in five Quarts of White-wine to make up a Body.  Seru. 
You shall have it Sir.  Exit. Top. 
How we shall dust it about! Oh—  Flush. 
— My Receipt is mightily in request now; They observe it altogether at the Tower; I was t'other day amongst 'em there.  Sir Cred. 
You would find hot service.  Flush. 
— Ay, we drunk in Discipline, by the Word o' Command;— 'Tis the Camp way, and a'mode now.— But how dye like my Panegyric upon Punch, Sir Credulous?  Sir Cred. 
Most ravishing, I profess.  Flush. 
— 'Twas a  Flash;— if you did but observe, the words are a designed Bombast, which is the most natural and expressive way to describe the lumbring confusion of a Frolic.  Sir Cred. 
— Very adapt indeed,— then the disparity of your numbers.  Flush. 
— Alludes to the distraction of the Company;— One Capers, another Cringeth, this tumbles down, another over him, and all are jumbling about in a various Heterocliton of humour.  Top. 
Yonder comes the Lovely Vessel— Now ha'for it old Lads.  Enter the Servant with a Bowl as at a distance.— They shout. Flush. 
Run the proud Argo with all her liquit Fraight aground.  He placeth the Bowl upon the Table. Top. 
Now my Souls o' Brass, let us seat ourselves, and bounce it off; marry if I mind Degree, or Quality, let me never drink more.  He sits down they after him, he takes up the Glass. Top. 
— Here's a Thimble indeed! Wuh this will never douse us.  Flush. 
That! 'Tis like attempting to scoup drowned Zealand clear with an Oyster-Shell; Let's drink full ones with a Levit of Trumpets at every Health.  Sir Cred. 
No, no, That's too extravagant; we'll sip out o' the Bell of an opening Cowslip to the buzzing Accents of an Humble Bee.  Top. 
Ha' ha' ha', Siping! That's very fine;— I am mistaken if we came hither to Sip;— Go and fetch us a good thumping hollow Beaker, go— Siping Qouth o',—  Exit Servant. Flush. 
Prithee, 'tis Porterly to drink Punch out of a Beaker.  Top. 
— Tell not me o' your Genteel Conrtly way of Quaffing, I am for true honest, downright drinking.  Enter Servant with a Beaker. 
There, there, this is the Measure.  Flush. 
Let that be the Standard then; I'll sound it, tho' 'twere as deep as Doomsday.  Sir Cred. 
Seriously Gentlemen, 'tis too Hyperbolical; but I'll venture to evacuate it once or twice.  1 Bully. 
By Styx, I scorn to refuse it.  2 Bully. 
And I, by Lucifer.  Flush fills and Drinks. Flush. 
A Health to our Royal Master.  The rest Sing, whilst he Drinks, And so round at every Health. Flush. 
Ha my brave Boys! Is not this better than Plotting, and Leaguing, and Clanning and Shamming? A Pox o' these unquiet Curs, that must be yelping against Heaven's Luminary, and only because 'tis bright.  Sir Cred. 
A troublesome Crowd of Infects, that are Pestilential to the heat that preserves 'em.  Top. 
That Buz like Bottl'd-Ale, and only make a noise because they're frothy;— Foh— the very naming 'em furs my Mouth;— I must even rinse it with a Bumper or two.  (He fills twice and Drinks.) 1 Bully. 
— Ah rare Toper! Thou art the Prince of a Man.  Top. 
YE Good Faith you Rogues, you see the worst o' me; I only Plot how to avoid the Slavery my Wife would Plunge me in, and to enjoy my Liberty in a Chimney Corner, with a Pot and a Pipe before me.  2 Bully. 
— By Lucifer that's reasonable enough.  Top. 
I tell you truth, or let this be my last.  fills and Drinks. Sir Cred. 
You have none o' this at the University, Mr. Flush.  Flush. 
Yes, yes, Drinking is looked upon as a perfection there; if a young Blade after four years' Residence, has but learned to make a Supernaculum; and as much Logic as will prove a Countryman to he a Horse, he's a good Proficient.  Sir Cred. 
Indeed!— Sleepy Jack Seaton, or honest old Hereboord's will teach 'em the latter presently.  Flush. 
Let's about with it, and be sprightly my Men o'Mirth, ten Goe-down's to you Sir Credulous.  He Drinks. Sir Cred: 
Generous Mr. Flush I am yours to Intoxication.  He drinks to 1st. Bully. 1 Bully. 
Dear Sir, your Devoted.  He drinks to 2d. Bully. 2 Bully. 
Dear Tom, I am thine.  He drinks to Toper. Top. 
Don't limit me, Mun, I am heavy, and must fall to the bottom, marry must I.  Toper takes it off. Flush. 
Gallant Toper, thou shalt be Canonised ye faith.  Top. 
— A Saint Man!  Flush. 
Ay, and of as good Authority as any in the Calender's— Shrove. Tuesday shall be your Anniversary.  1 Bully. 
By Styx, his Face is like a Holiday already.  Top. 
Nay, but if you'll honour me, make me the Prince of Drunkards.  Flush. 
We will;— and your Inauguration shall be to morrow; 'Tis too late now for the Solemnity.  2 Bully. 
We'll all be his Peers.  Flush. 
Ay, his Mightiness shall confer Dignities upon us all; 'tis usual now adays for a private Club to frame a new Constitution.  Top. 
And why may not we, as well as the sober Party;— but how far man shall my Dominions extend?  Flush. 
Throughout all the Taverns, Brandy-Shops, and Alehouses, betwixt White-Chappel and St. Giles'.  Top. 
Ah— I shall be a happy Prince— Duke Trinkelo shall be my Ally.  Flush. 
Myriad of Myrmidons shall defend your Reeling Mightiness from Constable and Watch, Pillars and Posts, from chamberpots above, and Channels below, and all such Hostilities.  Sir Cred. 
Ha' ha', What, no Laws?  Flush. 
— Yes, yes, but Lex bibendi, shall be Lex suprema, the rest shall be digested into a Code.  Top. 
Marry, I shall be a Prince presently at this rate, I am as Drunk as a Lord a'ready.  He looks drwsily. Flush. 
The other Stoop old Toast.  (He fills, Toper drinks.) 
Ho, hoa,— 'Tis down by Stingo.  Top: 
Ay, if 'twill but stay,  (He wrings and pukes.) 
This Punch is plaguy cucutting Liquor.  He Hiccups and Throws. Flush. 
Ha' ha' ha'— run behind the Curtain there, into the Fire-place, and disburden.  He reels thither, draws by the Curtain, runs back, Amaz. after him, he falls, she over him, the Company rise. Flush. 
Udsbodikins; how came this Incarnate Devil here;  They both rise. Amaz. 
O thou lumpish, weltering Swine, thou stupid Log,— Here's a pickle with all my heart— Sirrah, Beast, how came you amongst these roaring Rake-hells, these tearing debauched Ruffians?— I could find to pull those big, rolling eyes out, that stare and glow in your Fool's Noddle— I thought I should find out your Haunts at last.  Flush. 
I believe Madam we have rather found out yours, how could you slink in hither unseen? I guess you expected somebody, you would ha' been civiler too.—  (She runs at him, he goes back.) 
Touch me, and I'll ha' you stripped, and turned down Stairs;— Don't presume the Privilege o' your Sex shall excuse you.  Amaz. 
Thou pitiful, profligate Shirk;— He that gives thee but a Pot o' Brandy's thy Darling; ay, for one poor Pipe o' Smoak, Thou'lt call a dull drowsy Pluralist, a diligent sound man; a poor poatching Pettyfogger, an able Council; a Penny Pamphleteer, an Authentic Author; or a Tooth-pick-maker a Virtuoso; thou offscouring o' the Town, how dared thou pronounce so impudently upon me? Sirrah, I'll make you know there's never a House of Entertainment, within the Sound o' Bow bell, which I ha●e not a Spy in— I'll—  (Flies at him, and pulls of his Wig.) Flush knocks, enter a Servant. Flush. 
— A Cord here quickly—  (Ex. Servant Reenters with a Cord.) 
Now Gentlemen, if we think to continue Company, we must resolve to tie her down to a Chair, and Gag her— Here's a Gag—  Bullys. 
Agreed.  They Gag her and tie her down. Amaz. 
Tie me! Brutes,— Rascals.—  Top. 
But are you sure she's fast?— Come— let's even take of our Liquor peaceably and lovingly,— A Po-Pox take her for a—  He gets to the Table and drinks alone. Flush. 
Ay, Gape on till your Jaws crack.  (He knocks, enter Servant.) 
Sirrah, how came this Fury here.  Seru. 
I know not, Sir.  Flush. 
Get you gone you Pimping Rogue, and let her down into the next Room through the Trap-door, that Devise to escape Constable;— if you untie her Sirrah, I'll confound you worse than the Pox has done.  Sir Cred. 
Sure there has been some default, else my Guttae Soporiferae had charmed her as fast as an Incantation.  The Door opens, she sinks and makes a noise, they laugh. Flush. 
Now Gentlemen, since the Bawd o' the house has informed o' the Company, let us batter the Windows, flash the Hang, break the Chairs, and fight ourselves out in the Uproar.  1 Buly. 
We'll rout 'em by Jove.  2 Bully. 
hay for a scouring Frolic.  Flush and two Bullies draw. Flush. 
Now for the Onset;— Come my Squires, follow your Knight,  (They go to the place where Bravado absconds.) Flush. 
Here let's demolish all before us, and rip the Hang up in order.  He goes to thrust in his Sword, Bravado breaks out. Brau. 
I protest I'll make one with you my honest old rending Rogues;— let's pull down the house, and crush the Sinful Crew.  Flush. 
Bravado! So so— the Misteries explained now; Toper, I give you Joy o' your stately branching head.  Top. 
— Wuh, What's the matter man?  Flush. 
Oh nothing, nothing;— You are only Cuckolded, and by this same honest Gentleman here.  Top. 
Marry, but I'm mistaken if he escape so;— make him drink half a dozen Bumpers for his pains.  Sir Cred. 
Ha' ha', Seriously Mr. Toper bears it with the indifference of a Stoic.  Brau. 
Gentlemen, you are well disposed; but let me die, I don't understand you;— I had an Assignation here, with a Person of Quality, and expected her every Minute; a Devil on your unseasonable Invasion, 'Tis at lest a hundred Broads out o' my way.  Flush. 
But why did you abscond, we are all known to you?  Brau. 
— You came poud'ring up Stairs with such Authority, I was afraid you had been a Legion of Bailiffs.  Flush. 
But why did you not appear upon acquaintance with our Voices?  Brau. 
Why ' Pox I thought you would oblige me to Drink, and my Palate is so Debauched, since my last Randezvous with my Lord, that any liquid thing's a Potion to me.  Flush. 
All these Wheadles won't take;— But to show you how tender I am of these Amorous Miscarriages, I'll prevail upon the Cuckold and Company to leave you to the Compliment of your Intrigue.— Come, gentlemans, let's Troop.  Top. 
Wuh, the Bo-bowl is not out yet Man.  Flush. 
Do but you get rolled down Stairs, and you shall have as much as you can swill.— Come, 'tis late.  Exeunt, leading Toper, two Bullies Singing. Brau. 
Now must I go and enlarge my unfortunate Herion that suffers in Limbo; then our twisted Souls shall relish all the boundless Joys, that Passion endeared by Disappointment can contribute.  

The Drunkard is the kind contented Ass,  
He ne'er Resents, but when you take his Glass.     

ACT V.  

SCENE I. A Bed Chamber.  Enter Toper Drowsily Top. 
WHat a shame's the matter with me trow?— I am as Sick as a Horse, and I'm sure I had not above six Quarts ' i my Guts— Foh— here's the strangest taste ' i my Mouth methinks (Spits) marry I think my throat 's clogged quite up with Rubbish— oa— 'tis as rough as bad ways in frosty Wether;— How my Pulses heave, and my Arms shake and dindle ' i. Oh! How a good draught of small Beer would hiss down! (He stretches) But 'tis near morning sure— they are not up ' i the House— I never was thus out ' i tune before; I have catched cold under the Table whilst I slept, although they had laid three or four Chairs upon me;— and these one would ha' thought might ha' kept me warm.— Is there never a Couch in this Room think ye, nor a Fire-place strowed with Rushes (he gropes about) What's this— a Bed— Ah!— this is comfortable— I shall be a happy Man if Flush find me not out and unkennel me:— Marry, I'll ' e'en take a comfortable Nap; then rise up Fresh, and slay 'em every Soul.  (He lies down.) Enter Servant, with a Candle after him, Bravado and Amazonia. Amaz. 
Are you sure Sweetheart we may be secure here.  Seru. 
— Ay Madam;— He, they call Toper, is lying dead Drunk under the Parlour Table, I have newly bolted him in; the rest tumble together in the same condition above in the Garret.  Brau. 
Here— be you Centinel below?  (Gives him Money.) (Ex. Servant. Amaz. 
— But did you tell the Company that some Body had released me; and that I was gone, say you?  Brau. 
Ay, and they believed it.  Amaz. 
But did not they suspect us, think you?  Brau. 
— No, no,— I made every thing clear.  Amaz. 
— Now let me tell you such a Transaction, as will heighten our Appetites to the delicious Banquet.  Brau. 
— Mine, my lovely Angel is so eager already, that Artifice can't improve it;— I am all Heat and Youth; my Eyes tremble, my Breast pants and throws; my Nerves frisk, my Breath quivers, and a kindly generous Fire thrills in my Veins.  Amaz. 
— Whilst I am ready to receive your kindest Tenders with an equal warmth.  Brau. 
Let's hasten therefore, to let lose our bounding Passions to their absolute Range and Forage.  Amaz. 
I am all Compliance.  (Brau. lays his Sword and Hat upon the Table, makes the Door fast, takes her hand.) Brau. 
Now my Angel, let me lead thee to the Stage of love, to act the softest part that e'er was uttered in broken sighs.  He leads her to the Bed side, she withdraws the Curtain, spies Toper. Amaz. 
Ha! my Husband!—  Toper speaks as in sleep. Top. 
— Pish Man— the Cup does not stand at me— What— are you here Sweetheart?  Amaz. signs to Brau. to go out. Amaz. 
Thou Eternal Sot!— I'll smother-thee in the Bed-Cloaths▪  She muffles his Head and holds him down, Brau. opens the door and is running out, but is stopped by Flush and two Bullies. Flush. 
Are you here!— Come, you shall back with us.  Brau. 
Good honest dear Rogue excuse me; I am sleepy, I must to Bed.  Flush. 
What, you are afraid to disoblige your Complexion: Come prithee, we want a fourth man till Toper be cast up.  They drag him in. Amaz. 
Heavens!— I am discovered— What shall I do?  Aside. Flush. 
— Ay!— The Lady Amazonia!— Your Servant Madam, you will find out your Husbands Haunts, I perceive.  Amaz. 
My Husband! I scorn it, I disown him; my Vow, in the Church was extorted from me, and therefore it can't oblige; I always hated him, and had rather throw myself into the Embraces of a Leper, crusted all over with an uncurable Scurf, than into his feeble Paralytic Arms.  Toper riseth from the Bed. Top. 
Marry Sweetheart, an you  that, I am as indifferent as yourself; I had rather lay my Lips to the Bunghole of a Beer-Barrel, than Salute the finest o' your Sex, and there's for you again.  Flush. 
No wonder she opposed your keeping Company with this rigour; it seems, that too great plenty of Liquor, by a common kind of an Antiperistasis has dried you;— You are no farther useful then only to supply her with Money and Opportunities; this is the Spark that relieves her with all other satisfactions.  Top. 
O Sir, much good may do you; you are happy, you have done more than ever I could do;— I could never please her, by my Faith.  Amaz. 
Thou! no truly I think not; I never loved to have you come yawning in my face, and infesting me with your undecocted Lees of Ale, a Hogo strong enough to fetch one out of a Fit o' the Epilepsy;— out upon't— A Dray-horse were as good a Bed-fellow.  Flush. 
Since your Ladyship's so very nice and delicate, I would advise you to avoid these gross Hogoes, and devote yourself altogether to this rare, calcined Peice.  as towards Brau. Top. 
O happy Opportunity! Gentlemen, you are Witnesses of her Infamy; Now let's go and drink a dozen and consult over it about a Divorce.  Amaz. 
Ay, do, do, the Law will force you to allow me Alimony, but if it should not; I have provided against all Extremities, and will never see you more;— so a fig for you— Adieu Cuckold— Come, my Dear.—  Exit. Brau. leading of Amaz. 1 Bully. 
— Prodigious Impudence!  Top. 
Now my Ranting Rogues, let's go and Carouse for Joy; now I may tipple undisturbed, and be accountable to no body, ye Rascals;— I'll never sleep without a Roundlet o' Brandy under my head, and when I die let overflowing Cups drop tears o' my Tomb— Ha Boys—  Jumps. Flush. 
Whilst my finger draws out a liquid Epitaph.  Top. 
— I shall love thee my old Trojan whilst I live, for trapaning my fierce Mrs. Damnable thus;— I shall faith. Flush We were forced to corrupt the Scout.  Top. 
— But hark you must— Who is this same young Fellow that Sparks her thus?  Flush▪ 
The most White-livered Coward that ever took advantage; and a modish sort of a Fop that is proud to be reckoned a Debauchee;— He'll boast of his Venereal Misfortunes, as so many Badges of Immortal Honour; and is as proud of a Surgeon's Bill, as a Noble-man's Chaplain is of his Scarf;— There's not a Great Person about Court, but is his Familiar, he pretends; Nor a taking Nameless Pamphlet, which he does not adopt;— He's a—  Top. 
So must so, we have had enough of him here, let's discourse the rest of his Qualities over a Glass;— we'll go to Harry's, he's an honest Fellow, he'll broach a fresh run for us.— Come, my Three Merry Boys, I shall be a Prince indeed now.— hay Boys.—  Flush. 
Ay, and as absolute as your Draught; you shall be no more Homager to your quondam Imperial Comfort; we all swear Fealty to your Diadem; and Brimmers shall be tendered as the Test;— he that knocks under board shall be looked upon as a Dissenter, and amerced a Penal Groat the next Morning.— Come.—  Exeunt,  

SCENE II. Sir Popular's House.  Enter Roman and Juliana. Rom. 
No wonder, Madam, your so soon this Morning, since this is almost the last hour you can call yourself your own; sure your Barbarous Uncle will revoke the too severe Doom.  Jul. 
No,— he'll urge it with all the rigour that lucre can provoke him to;— he knows my aversion forfeits half my Portion; but rather than contract a holy Vow with any other than your dear self, I'll resign my life too, as a burden without ye.  Rom. 
Alas, my wondrous Creature, I am each way unworthy of so divine a Blessing; my Fortunes are as mean as my Deserts;— I have ne'er a gaudy Coach graced with a Rank of Lackeys to attend you; no supple French Valet calls me Master; I have no swelling Titles, no fawning Parasites, no—  Jul. 
But Nature has enriched you with Treasures more valuable, and tho' the Remains of my divided Portion won't be an equivalent to your Merits, I am sure my Passion will.  Rom. 
How could I see the loveliest thing my heart e'er knew, in a station beneath her too great Worth and Beauty! No, my sole delight, rather than throw away your Excellencies upon one would undo you, surrender yourself up to your Uncle's Pleasure, and Mary the Party he designs▪ he's rich, and can support you in an Equipage sultable to your Fortunes.  Jul. 
And can you be so unkind as to leave me now after all your large Professions? Pray done't;— I can't suffer whilst you are near me; we'll enjoy more Wealth in one another's Love, than all the World can give; and when my slender Competency fails, I can Limn, Embroider, work Lace, and do a thousand such pretty trifling Knacks.  Rom. 
Thou Mirror of Perfections! Thy goodness has amazed me;— When Love goes to draw Seraphic Sweetness with a Cherub's Face, Thou shalt sit to the little Genius.  Jul. 
— Then since you think I deserve you, Why d'ye grudge me the Present of yourself.  Rom. 
Madam, I am no more my own; tho' I fear the gift may be fatal; if the visible Universe were mine to give you, I should think it too mean a Jointure.  Enter Carol. Carol. 
Indeed Cousin, the Knight will be here presently; 'tis time now to settle your looks into a Marriage Figure.  Jul. 
— Is Sir Popular resolved upon't still?  Carol. 
— Ay, ay,— he's unalterable in such a case as this; he expects you'll rather be nicked o' your 5000 l. than consent to the Match.  Rom. 
Some o' these Aldermen have Consciences as large as their Charter.  Jul. 
I have not seen this Sir Credulous above thrice; the last time was yesterday, and then I used him so, I thought he would ha' made no more Advances.  Carol. 
Truly he resented your Carriage, after his way; I found him in a moderate Foam.  Jul. 
And did not you tell me he resolved I should die for him, rather than he would prevent it with one kind word?  Carol. 
— I did so, and more than that, he was so sweet upon me I was half afraid he would ha' Ladyfied me.  Jul. 
— Why such a change then?  Carol. 
Sir Popular was with him before five this Morning, and tampered with his Fool-ship then, I fancy.  Jul. 
They're both very quick.  Rom. 
Ay, Matrimony now a-days, requires as little warning as in the Playhouse; where the Parties shall make the first Interview in the Fourth Act, and Mary in the Fifth.  Enter Shuffle. Shuf. 
Ladies, your humble Servant: this, I understand is like to be a jovial day.  Rom. 
Ay, Sir Popular intends to have a band o' Fiddles towards the Evening.  Shuf. 
No, no, he's for none o' your Cat-gut Minstrelsy; but prithee Roman, What pretences can you have here now?  Rom. 
Why truly Shuffle as many as ever I had.  Shuf. 
Well, but this is no time for fooling;— in short, the business is this—  Sir Pop. 
Marries this very day, and is now at Sir Credulous Trinket's.  Rom. 
Very good.  Shuf. 
He stays to bring Sir Credulous along with him, in order to Marry Madam Juliana at the same time.  Jul. 
But he shall find he can't dispose of me.  Shuf. 
But he can dispose of part o' your Portion then, and that consideration will satisfy him as well.— Pray Madam, let me understand your Circumstances in this case, 'tis possible I may relieve you.  1 Bully. 
— Prodigious Impudence!  Top. 
Now my Ranting Rogues, let's go and Carouse for Joy; now I may tipple undisturbed, and be accountable to no body, ye Rascals;— I'll never sleep without a Roundlet o' Brandy under my head, and when I die let overflowing Cups drop tears o' my Tomb— Ha Boys—  Jumps. Flush. 
Whilst my finger draws out a liquid Epitaph.  Top. 
— I shall love thee my old Trojan whilst I live, for trapaning my fierce Mrs. Damnable thus;— I shall faith▪  Flush 
We were forced to corrupt the Scout.  Top. 
— But hark you must— Who is this same young Fellow that Sparks her thus?  Flush▪ 
The most White-livered Coward that ever took advantage; and a modish sort of a Fop that is proud to be reckoned a Debauchee;— He'll boast of his Venereal Misfortunes, as so many Badges of Immortal Honour; and is as proud of a Surgeon's Bill, as a Noble-man's Chaplain is of his Scarf;— There's not a Great Person about Court, but is his Familiar, he pretends; Nor a taking Nameless Pamphlet, which he does not adopt;— He's a—  Top. 
So must so, we have had enough of him here, let's discourse the rest of his Qualities over a Glass;— we'll go to Harry's, he's an honest Fellow, he'll broach a fresh run for us.— Come, my Three Merry Boys, I shall be a Prince indeed now.— hay Boys.—  Flush. 
Ay, and as absolute as your Draught; you shall be no more Homager to your quondam Imperial Consort; we all swear Fealty to your Diadem; and Brimmers shall be tendered as the Test;— he that knocks under board shall be looked upon as a Dissenter, and amerced a Penal Groat the next Morning.— Come.—  Exeunt▪  

SCENE II. Sir Popular' s House.  Enter Roman and Juliana. Rom. 
No wonder, Madam, your so soon this Morning, since this is almost the last hour you can call yourself your own; sure your Barbarous Uncle will revoke the too severe Doom.  Jul. 
No,— he'll urge it with all the rigour that lucre can provoke him to;— he knows my aversion forfeits half my Portion; but rather than contract a holy Vow with any other than your dear self, I'll resign my life too, as a burden without ye.  Rom. 
Alas, my wondrous Creature, I am each way unworthy of so divine a Blessing; my Fortunes are as mean as my Deserts;— I have ne'er a gaudy Coach graced with a Rank of Lackeys to attend you; no supple French Valet calls me Master; I have no swelling Titles, no fawning Parasites, no—  Jul. 
But Nature has enriched you with Treasures more valuable, and tho' the Remains of my divided Portion won't be an equivalent to your Merits, I am sure my Passion will.  Rom. 
How could I see the loveliest thing my heart e'er knew, in a station beneath her too great Worth and Beauty! No, my sole delight, rather than throw away your Excellencies upon one would undo you, surrender yourself up to your Uncle's Pleasure, and Mary the Party he designs; he's rich, and can support you in an Equipage suitable to your Fortunes.  Jul. 
And can you be so unkind as to leave me now after all your large Professions? Pray done't;— I can't suffer whilst you are near me; we'll enjoy more Wealth in one another's Love, than all the World can give; and when my slender Competency fails, I can Limn, Embroider, work Lace, and do a thousand such pretty trifling Knacks.  Rom. 
Thou Mirror of Perfections! Thy goodness has amazed me;— When Love goes to draw Seraphic Sweetness with a Cherub's Face, Thou shalt sit to the little Genius.  Jul. 
— Then since you think I deserve you, Why d'ye grudge me the Present of yourself.  Rom. 
Madam, I am no more my own; tho' I fear the gift may be fatal; if the visible Universe were mine to give you, I should think it too mean a Jointure.  Enter Carol. Carol. 
Indeed Cousin, the Knight will be here presently; 'tis time now to settle your looks into a Marriage Figure.  Jul. 
— Is Sir Popular resolved upon't still?  Carol. 
— Ay, ay,— he's unalterable in such a case as this; he expects you'll rather be nicked o' your 5000 l. than consent to the Match.  Rom. 
Some o' these Aldermen have Consciences as large as their Charter.  Jul. 
I have not seen this Sir Credulous above thrice; the last time was yesterday, and then I used him so, I thought he would ha' made no more Advances.  Carol. 
Truly he resented your Carriage, after his way; I found him in a moderate Foam.  Jul. 
And did not you tell me he resolved I should die for him, rather than he would prevent it with one kind word?  Carol. 
— I did so, and more than that, he was so sweet upon me I was half afraid he would ha' Ladyfied me.  Jul. 
— Why such a change then?  Carol. 
Sir Popular was with him before five this Morning, and tampered with his Fool-ship then, I fancy.  Jul. 
They're both very quick.  Rom. 
Ay, Matrimony now a-days, requires as little warning as in the Playhouse; where the Parties shall make the first Interview in the Fourth Act, and Mary in the Fifth.  Enter Shuffle. Shuf. 
Ladies, your humble Servant: this, I understand is like to be a jovial day.  Rom. 
Ay, Sir Popular intends to have a band o' Fiddles towards the Evening.  Shuf. 
No, no, he's for none o' your Cat-gut Minstrelsy; but prithee Roman, What pretences can you have here now?  Rom. 
Why truly Shuffle as many as ever I had.  Shuf. 
Well, but this is no time for fooling;— in short, the business is this—  Sir Pop. 
Marries this very day, and is now at Sir Credulous Trinket's.  Rom. 
Very good.  Shuf. 
He stays to bring Sir Credulous along with him, in order to Marry Madam Juliana at the same time.  Jul. 
But he shall find he can't dispose of me.  Shuf. 
But he can dispose of part o' your Portion then, and that consideration will satisfy him as well.— Pray Madam, let me understand your Circumstances in this case, 'tis possible I may relieve you.  Jul. 
Thus Sir;— 5000 l. was left me by an Uncle his Elder Brother, upon condition I should consent to Marry the first Match that Sir Popular offered me; otherwise, the Legacy was to fall to him, provided it could appear, that he had only propounded my Fortune, and no indirect means to himself.  Rom. 
'Tis exactly as I represented it to you yesterday.  Shuf. 
— Ay, and observe what use I have made on't already;— you must know, he has shamed Sir Credulous out of a 1000 l. this Morning; and by my procurement, has quitted all his future Claims to Madam Juliana's Legacy by a General Release, which is now in Sir Credulous's Custody.  Rom. 
— Well,— but Sir Credulous will redeliver it, I suppose, upon the breach o' the Match.  Shuf. 
— You shall hear— I have persuaded him to present it to the Lady, after her consent; as a means to work upon her Ingenuity, by making her Mistress of her own Fortunes.  Rom. 
So she must seem to give her assent.  Shuf. 
Ay, Madam, be sure you sweeten him up as if you were his own; I'll contrive to Spirit him out o' the way, till Sir Popular be Married, I'll warrant you.  Rom. 
There will be no need on't; she may absent herself, after 'tis in her Possession.  Shuf. 
But d'ye see;— I am interested in Sir Popular's Marriage, and must endeavour to maintain a plausible understanding betwixt Sir Credulous and him, till the Ceremony in the Church be consummated;— in short, I have some Money due from Sir Popular for a secret service.  Rom. 
I partly apprehend you;— so that, you would secure Sir Credulous, till you had received your Sum, lest his disturbance might be of ill consequence to you.  Shuf. 
Ay, ay,— Now, Sir Popular having a 1000 l. by him, he'll discharge me without any farther trouble, rather than have me expose him.  Rom. 
Besides,— his contracting with Sir Credulous upon such an account, tho' indirectly, will invalidate his Title, by the Condition of the Will.  Shuf. 
But prithee don't you be seen here, till you receive a Summons from me;— I'll to the Bridge, and order her to detain Sir Popular, till the other Knight be disposed off.  Exit Shuffle. Carol. 
This Mr. Shuffle is such another; he'll overreach my Uncle if it be possible to do't.  Rom. 
Ay, indeed, there's a hopeful prospect of circumventing him now; but it will be convenient for the better circulation of the business, that I absent myself.  Jul. 
My heart, you'll remember the faith that is betwixt us.  Rom. 
How unseasonably you remind me;— Can the Tenant forget the Service he holds all his Lands by? Or a Beggar the needy moving Cant that sustains him? But you could not doubt me sure; your Idea Solicits for you, and never leaves me; it distracts my thoughts, and breaks my slumbers; I must rove about like a restless Ghost till I see you again.  Jul. 
— And when must I expect you, my Thoughts?  Rom. 
— About an hour hence I hope;— till then the whole Hierarchy protect you.  Exit Roman. Carol. 
I fancy Cousin this love is a pretty pleasant Babble; there's such dying Leers, such unaccountable Gestures, such soft confusion amongst you.— Methinks I could wish for a little experience of that antic Foolery, only for an opportunity to laugh at myself.  Jul. 
Could not Mr. Bravado bring you acquainted with it?  Carol. 
No,— He has a Quarrel against me.  Jul. 
— Some Love Skirmish.  Carol. 
— He Swears, he'll never see me again, which Oath I hope he'll observe.  Jul. 
Does he suspect the Humour you passed upon him Yesterday?  Carol. 
I almost fancy so;— some had been fooling with the Vizards, and so Bugbeared both of 'em out o' the Closet, else I had tricked 'em neatly.  Jul. 
But you must leave these Merriments now;— our new Aunt's severity won't dispense with 'em.  Carol. 
— We shall be worse pestered now with a Religious Din, than ever; there'll be such screwing o' Faces, and drawing o' Sentences through the Nose, amongst the Assembly.— Well, if she don't prove a right one in the conclusion, I am mistaken.  Enter Sir Popular, and Sir Credulous. Sir Pop. 
Kinswoman, I have brought you the Gentleman I design for your Husband, and I conceive he may be a proportionable Match for you;— Therefore prepare for Marriage this very day.  Jul. 
— The notice is very short, Sir.  Sir Cred. 
Let this be the day Lady by all means; the Asterisms are in a very amicable aspect, and seem to be our Genial Torches;— if we should decline this Invitation, perhaps their future position might continue malevolent out o' revenge.  Sir Pop. 
Kinswoman, I charge you be advised by me, and be joined forthwith; He's a good man, and has a comfortable Fortune, I conceive.  Jul. 
Sir, I never knew how to disobey you.  Sir Pop. 
In earnest, very meekly answered;— Well, I have some Negotiations to look after; after I have attended these, we'll all go together, and dispatch the pious Affair.— Him—  Exit Sir Pop. Carol. 
Then Sir, you have forgot your Asseverations to me?  Sir Cred. 
— Seriously, Sweet Madam, I was assailed with such violence, in this fair Lady's behalf, by my worthy Friend Sir Popular that I am not empowered to disoblige him.  Jul. 
So rather than be uncivil to him, you'll do injustice to her;—— O good Sir, let not me in the least be the cause of such an Immortality!  Carol. 
Fie Cousin;— here's a coldness indeed, and such approaching Joys in prospect!— Believe me, there's no other engagement betwixt us, than the obligation of common Civility.  Sir Cred. 
Indeed, Fair Lady, I must confess, your Cousin was not thought unworthy of those respectful Tenders you neglected yesterday; but upon second thoughts, I did believe your ill-advised Behaviour to be the effects of your Modesty, and do therefore remit your miscarriage.  Jul. 
'Twere pity Sir, to trespass on so good a Nature.  Sir Cred. 
Seriously, most excellent Being, Choler never predominates with me, I can allow for Sublunary Failures.  Carol. 
— Or else you'd Massacred Bravado yesterday.  Sir Cred. 
He's an abusive Gentleman, and did impose a little too much upon my Mediocrity.  Carol. 
— Have you seen him since, Sir?  Sir Cred. 
Seriously, fine Lady, no;— I was Arrested by a Gang of good Fellows; they would have me make one with 'em;— 'Twas past Ten of the Clock when I left 'em, I could not endure it any longer; there was such Drinking, and storming, and scuffling;— Here lay a Hat, there a Wig, here one lay supine, there another;— I profess you might ha' seen as various a Horchpotch as in a Giblet Pye.  Jul. 
But don't you find yourself indisposed this Morning, Sir?  Sir Cred. 
The Emulsion has cooled me a little, but I am cloudy still; else I had invented some uncommon curiosity, for the Illustration of our Nuptial Solemnity.  Jul. 
— Some Mask, or Fireworks?  Sir Cred. 
No, no, these are dull— A pair of Turtles supporting a Pageant that represents the Solitary Phoenix, first warbling out an Epithalamium, and then expiring in a Spicy Flame, would be a high Conceit.  Carol. 
You have Travelled, Sir, I fancy.  Sir Cred. 
O very far, and altogether in search of Nature, which I found at last in spite of all her Mazes, and am now improving her into an Art.  Carol. 
Is it possible, Sir?  Sir Cred. 
Questionless;— I am now teaching a Magpie to discourse in form, a Snail to walk erect, a Salmon to become Amphibious, and graze in Meadows;— In short, I am teaching Nature to be unnatural.  Carol. 
And has wrought the Experiment upon himself.  Aside. Jul. 
— You'll outdo the Greshamites.  Sir Cred. 
O, they are a Phegmatick Society.  Carol. 
— Sure your Education has been costly, Sir Credulous?  Sir Cred. 
Costly!— Ay, I think it has:— So much at Amsterdam for learning to eat a Lobster; so much at Paris for mounting a Kite, so much at Madrid for scourging a Top—  Jul. 
— Your own Country might have accomplished you with these Perfections.  Sir Cred. 
O you are much mistaken, fair Madam;— your Foreigners are more polite a great deal; there's not a Curiosity Master in England, let me tell you so much.  Jul. 
Why, Sir, is the breaking up of a Lobster a Curiosity?  Sir Cred. 
A choice one believe me— But now for my more solid and substantial Sciences;— There's first—  Enter Shuffle. Shuf. 
May I give you Joy, Sir Credulous?  Sir Cred. 
You may antedate your Salutation, if you please.  Shuffle taketh a part with Carol. Jul. 
— Now there's some appearance of a Delivery from him, and all his Odious Impertinence.  Aside. Carol. 
We'll leave you with this Gentleman, Sir;— your Bride's Dress must be refined a little.  (Exrunt.) Shuf. 
Have you presented your Lady with Sir Popular's discharge yet?  Sir Cred. 
Seriously I had forgot.  Shuf. 
— O fie,— run after her with it— quick—  Sir Credulous runs out, and Reenters. Sir Cred. 
— I forced it into her hand;— she expects 'tis some Song, I'll warrant you;— She loves me extremely, I knew the vertueo ' the Philter was irresistible.  Shuf. 
Udds me! Now you talk of Philters;— Who d'ye think did me the honour to take notice o' me this Morning?  Sir Cred. 
Who, pray?  Shuf. 
— The famed ginger, Rabbie Nathan, born a Jew, but bred a Chaldean for some time;— you must be acquainted with his Fame certainly.  Sir Cred. 
O Sir, who can be a Stranger to't? Would our Personal Acquaintance were as great.  Shuf. 
He's at present hard by; I'll send the Footboy to him to desire his Company here.  (Exit Shuffle.) Reenters. Sir Cred 
We should ha' sent in more formality to such a Personage as he is.  Shuf. 
— He's a most obliging Man in his way;— I am confident he'll come, if he be not gone to the Synagogue;— it seems there is some Jewish Rite performed there to day.  Sir Cred. 
Has he any English?  Shuf. 
— Yes, but almost as broken as his Nation.  Sir Cred. 
— I have tome little smattering of Hebrew, but none of Chaldy.  Shuf. 
No! why the Radix is altogether the same; Chaldy was only the more Courtly Dialect.  Sir Cred. 
— But is his English intelligible?  Shuf. 
— Yes, only a little harsh and broad.— He's here—  Enter the Quack in a Fur Cap, and shagged Gown. Quack. 
Hail Rabbie Shoffle.  Shuf. 
All Hail most Honourable Prophet.  Quack. 
— I am hoonly a Magus haan dee Divine by Causes naatouraal.  He looks earnestly upon Sir Cred. Sir Cred. 
Mr. Rabbi, I shall think myself highly honoured, if your Reverence will condescend to Dine with me.  Quack. 
Nay, I neever eat with the hun-circumcised; I smell no Christian Pork.  Shuf. 
— If this Rogue don't forget his Lesson, we shall have success.  Quack looks in Sir Credulous's hand. Quack. 
I Swear, thou haast ha' mole hin the hollow of thy haam.  Sir Cred. 
Seriously I have so; is it his skill in Palmistry that directs him, think we?  Quack. 
Thou dost purpose to take to thyself a Wife before the sixth hour.  Sir Cred. 
I profess, a most Incomparable Man.  Quack. 
Nay, nay,— The Plaanets, aan the Fowls of the Aar, aan the Flaame, aan the Smook, aan the Entrails, aan the Shears, aan the Ompha do forbidden thee.  Sir Cred. 
Ay!— Then my Calculation was not exact.  Shuf. 
— Rabbie's Infallible;— there has been some mistake in your Scheme.  Quack. 
Louk e'en this Glass, aan thou shaalt behold the Revolution of thy days; It waas the Soothsayer Uzzi's, whou waas ouf the Tribe ouf Little Benjamin.  He gives Sir Cred. a Perspective, Sir Cred. looks in't, Shuf. signs the Quack to Sir Cred's Pockets, Quack feels the outside, and shakes his Head. Sir Cred. 
I profess Rabbi, I can scarce discern any thing.  Quack. 
— That ees because thou waants my Vestments; cloth thy saalf een them, aan thy Fortune shall appear; they were Consecrated when I sojourned in the Saandy Desert, and have a Proognosticating Quality.  Sir Cred. 
I beseech you most Reverend Rabbie, let me try 'em.— A Profound Man!  Aside. Sir Cred. 
puts off his Coat and Breeches gives'em to Quack, puts on his Breeches and Gown.  Shuf. 
Come, Sir Credulous I'll help you to hold it steady.  He lays his Arm about Sir Cred's Neck, Quack rifles his Breeches Pockets, and slips out. Sir Cred. 
I profess, I can discern nothing, but a kind of a glimmering Confusion,— Most Excellent Rabbi.  turns about. Shuf. 
Ha!— What now!— He's Vanished, as I live.  Sir Cred. 
— Heaven's shield us!— Indeed I thought the House shook.— Strange!—  Shuf. 
Your  are Vanished with him too;— Are not they?  Sir Cred. 
Ha.— No,— I see 'em there—  Sir Cred. takes up his Breeches. Sir Cred. 
Ay!— My Breeches are light, methinks— Heavens!— He's gone with a Hundred Pieces, besides Medals and other Movables.  Shuf. 
It can't be sure;— marry he's a Jew indeed.  Sir Cred. 
— A Pox Rabbi him, would there were a Hogs-pudding in his Belly.  Shuf. 
— See what he has left you in Exchange. in his Prognosticating Pockets.  Sir Cred. gropes, and pulls out a Bill. Sir Cred. 
— What's here—  (Reads.) 
— At the Ignoramus-Head in Cabal-Corner, near Treason-street,— Lodgeth the much noted ginger, Rabbie Nathan the Chaldean, he Resolves Questions, Calculates Nativities, and performs other Secrets, and is to be spoke with at his own Lodgings, from Nine till Eleven, by all such as will make trial of his Art.  Shuf. 
Here's a Cheat!— We'll have it Recorded at Filchers-Hall amongst the Memoirs o' the Pickpockets.  Sir Cred. 
Is there no way think you to countermine this Typical Rogue?  Shuf. 
Your best way will be to go directly to Mr. Zeal's the Constables, you remember where I went in, when we parted t'other day.  Sir Cred. 
Ay, Very well.  Shuf. 
Charge him along with you to Rabby's Lodgings, and if you find him there, take him up.  Sir Cred. 
But I shall be too late for my other concern.  Shuf. 
— No, no, Rabbi does not lodge far off;— 'Tis true, the place is Obscure, but Mr. Zeal's acquainted there, he'll find it out— Make haste, never stay to alter your Habit.  Sir Cred. 
I approve o' your advice, and will about it with— all Expedition.  Exit. Sir Cred. Shuf. 
I must help him to his Movables again, else the Humour would look a little pilfering, and base.  Enter Carolietta and Juliana. Carol. 
We conveyed your Conjurer out a▪ doors▪— What is he, pray Sir?  Shuf. 
A Quacking Bill-poster by profession; I was a little indebted to him, and Sir Credulous, I thank him has discharged the trifle.  Jul. 
How have you disposed o' the poor Innocent Knight Sir?  Shuf. 
I have furbisht him out i' the Garb of a Grecian (though he believes 'tis the Habit of an Hebrew, and have directed him to a Constable that will secure him, I'm sure.  Jul. 
Without any pretence?  Shuf. 
You must know, I prepossessed him this Morning, that there was a Jesuit, one Father Wildfire, about Town, and that I was to be in Company with him about ten of the Clock, and would endeavour some occasion to betray him into his power.  Jul. 
So the Constable will have him before Authority?  Shuf. 
No, I advised him to secure him till I came;— The design on't was, to get Sir Popular Married in the mean time.  Jul. 
You need not ha' given yourself so much trouble,— It seems, my Uncle was impatient, he's gone to Church already, and the Ceremony almost over by this time.  Shuf. 
Happy News!— I'll away and rescue Sir Credulous, and be here again presently.— Your Servant Ladies.  Exit. Jul. 
Truly I am very much obliged to this Gentleman for his Activity upon my account.  Carol. 
I'll swear he's an Ingenious, good Natured Man; have you not observed how he would rail against the times with Sir Popular, and be so serious and concerned all the time; then turn his back, and fashion a Treacherous Smile;— Well, methinks I could fancy his Humour.  Jul. 
So Cousin, you are coming on I find; this Approbation of his Humour, is preliminary to a Passion for his Person.  Carol. 
Indeed, a bold conclusion from such slender premises;— Is that your Love-Sophistry?  Enter Shuffle. Shuf. 
'Twill be convenient, Madam, that you withdraw; Sir Credulous is coming up.  Exit. Carol. and Jul. Enter at the other door Sir Credulous. Shuf. 
You have made a quick return, Sir Credulous.  Sir Cred. 
— My Entertainment did not Invite me to stay, I'll promise you.  Shuf. 
— What was the matter pray?  Sir Cred. 
— Why, I was almost Murdered amongst 'em;— The Constable was not within, and when I desired one of his Prentices to direct me to Rabby's Lodgings, he said there was no such place i' the City, but houted at me, and exposed me to the fury of the Rabble, that scoured after me with Bones and broken Bricks, and if I had not most nimbly approached this Asylum, they had certainly demolished me.  Shuf. 
— Indeed their behaviour was a little rude to a person of your Quality.  Sir Cred. 
— Seriously I think 'tis my fortune to fall into the hands of Jews to day; they tell me below, that Sir Popular is gone to perform his Conjugal Rite.  Shuf. 
Ay, and Madam Juliana too.  Sir Cred. 
And I here?— It can't be.— Pray, explain your meaning.  Shuf. 
— Why then, she is most certainly another Man's Wife.  Sir Cred. 
— My Lady another Man's Wife say you?  Shuf. 
— Ay, indeed;— and therefore I persuade myself, that this practice was agreed upon betwixt Rabbi and Sir Popular, to hurry you into a confusion, and so present him with an opportunity of stealing away to Church without ye.  Sir Cred. 
Ay, ay, there lay the Intrigue,— I find then Sir Popular has abused me.  Shuf. 
If I deal ingeniously with you Sir Credulous, believe it to be the effects of my good Wishes; therefore to be plain; you have exposed yourself so notoriously by doting upon every worthless trifle, and busying your Brain about such odd Fantastic Queries, that every needy Sharping Rook discovers your blind side, and serves his ends upon you.  Sir Cred. 
I hope you won't condemn my Emulation for knowledge.  Shuf. 
— First, recompose your Mind, and endeavour to know more o' the World; leave your nice Contemplations, and observe the Public; you'll soon discover that my advice was seasonable, take my word.  Sir Cred. 
I profess to you, I do a little fear, I have been imposed upon o' late; I'll therefore scrutinise into the Manners of Men, frequent Gaming Houses, Bowling-Greens, and all such places of Concourse.  Shuf. 
Continue your Resolution.  Sir Cred. 
But how shall I proceed with Sir Popular, I would have him notified?  Shuf. 
Come, I'll direct you.  Exeunt ambo.  

Scene changes to a Dining-Room.  Enter Gullman and Faith. Gull. 
How do I become my Honour Wench?  Faith. 
— Wench! I must now be Mistress Faith, and your ladyship's Woman.  Gull. 
But did you observe with what solemnity Mr. Shuffle gave me Joy?  Faith. 
Ay;— I'll swear it happened well o' his side, he has got 500 l. in Gold o' Sir Popular.  Gull. 
— I was afraid, I should ha' been discovered upon't, only he helped me well out with it, by saying I could not call in any of my own, and therefore he procured such a Sum for me.  Enter a Pimp and a Carrier. Pimp. 
Madam, I give your Ladyship Joy.  Carr. 
— With they say yea'r dubbed a Lady to day, Good Gullman, by my Saul Ice glad to hear't, maury much Glee may you have on't, that's the warst that I wad ye.  Gull. 
Upon my Honour good people, I don't know you.  Carr. 
— Ah welladay, what have you forgotten Honest Robin your and Yorkshire Carrier, that brought ye up all your Deft Lasses.  Gull. 
— Faith, give the Poor Man 6 d. and set him away.  Carr. 
— Maury but I must ha' mare than 6 d. or 6 l. outhor; yea own me for Nell Bounce, and Bessy Nessle still, I reet we'll rememmer; an like your Worship:  Enter Sir Popular, and stands privately behind. Sir Pop. 
How!— My Lady entertaining two Distressed French Protestant's!— These are not people of fit Quality to be seen with her I conceive;— but I'll overhear the occasion on't.  Aside to himself. Gull. 
— Upon my honour poor Wretch, I can't understand thee.  Carr. 
— Lac-a-day, With dinnot yea knaw Robin that used to furnish you with fresh Ware?— I have even the Bonniest Lass at my Inn now, for your Worship's purpose, that ever went Rigledy, Rigledy.  Sir Pop. 
What's this!— Lass, and fresh Ware?— Would all things be right.  Aside. Gull. 
— Sure good people you are mistaken someway; I am not the person you should address to;— therefore pray walk down, your Company is a disparagement to my Quality.  Sir Pop. 
I commend her, she won't make herself little.  Aside. Pimp. 
— Pray Madam don't think to put us off so; we have forborn you long enough; therefore pray pay me the 5 l. that is due to me.  Gull. 
For what Sir?  Pimp. 
— For my diligence in the execution of love business; you know, at first I was only employed to fetch and carry; but after, upon experience of my Agility of Body, and satisfactory Dimensions, you were pleased to advance me to your highest station;— and I think I behaved myself like a faithful Pains-taker till you left off Bawding▪  Sir Pop. 
Ha!— What's that you say Sir?— My Lady a Bawd?— Speak— I command you speak.  (Gull. seems disordered.) Enter Shuffle and Roman. Shuf. 
— I'll speak for him; and can assure you, you're Married to as great a Bawd as ever graced Cart, with no other Portion than Disease and Scandal.  Sir Pop. 
I die, I faint,— Thou Devil,— Thou Damned Whore,— I'll murder thee presently;— Where's my Gutlace,— My Dagger,— My Pocket-Flail.— Oh, oh.—  She runs out, Faith after her. Carr. 
Maary honest Friend, if she be your Wife, I must luke o' ye for my Silver; she had good sound ware o' me, we'll I wait, and sea good Morn to you.  Exit Pimp and Carrier. Shuf. 
'Tis pity Sir, to let the poor honest Carrier suffer; if you should chance to live together, and keep a Public House; he'll import another Argosy, and restock your Lady with Merchandise.  Sir Pop. 
O thou base, insulting, Treacherous Rogue; this was thy contrivance, I have Treason against thee, and will impeach, and hang thee, thou Dog.  Shuf. 
Now you remind me on't, I have something against your Good Worship too, Most Noble Patriot.— Here— Sergeants—  cries aloud. Enter Sergeants. Shuf. 
— Sergeants do your Office.  1. Serj. 
We Arrest you in the King's Name, at the Suit of Sir Credulous Trinkett in an Action of a Thousand Pound.  Sir Pop. 
— S'heart, has this Devil here served me with an Action;  (He looks on the Writ.) 
O my Life, my Name!— Thou Barbarous Rascal, I will tear these Eyes from that Perfidious Skull.  Shuf. 
— Officers, away with your Prisoner, and take care he don't do Justice on himself, and hang himself up in his own Chain.  Exeunt with Sir Pop. Manent Roman, Shuffle. Rom. 
Ha', ha',— His Nuptials are Solemnised with a Boon Grace methinks.  Enter Sir Popular's three Blue-aproned Men. 1st. 
Good Lord, Mr. Shuffle, Sir Popular's in a wonderful great Agony yonder, it seems he's Married to some lewd Woman and is Arrested.  Shuf. 
Ay, indeed, your old Patroon is under great Affliction, a grosser Villain never headed Faction to my knowledge, he only startled you with groundless fears, to gloze and gull you out of Plentiful Contributions; then lavish 'em out upon Strumpets.  1st. 
— Bless us!— Truly it appears so now.  2d. 
— Plainly, he has a 100 l. of mine in his hand, for maintenance of the Liberty o' the Subject,—— Ah wo'es me!—  3d. 
— And 200 o' mine, by fair Yea and Nay;— I have no other Security, than a Promise of re-payment in Lands.— Ah—  Rom. 
Indeed Gentlemen, you have a hopeful Bargain on't: This was your Darling Demagogue that you revered.  Shuf. 
— I must confess, I have been a Rascal amongst you, and have concorded with Sir Popular, to baffle, poison, and seduce you▪ but now my needs are a little mollified, and I do therefore recant, and am resolved never to have recourse to these Consecrated Frauds again.  1st. 
— Good Heavens!— How strangely we have been deluded Neighbours— Let's even leave Conventickling, take the Oaths, and go to Church.  Exeunt. Shuf. 
Now my Friend, go and make yourself Master of Madam Juliana and Fortunes; I think Sir Popular's Pretences to 'em are disabled.  Rom. 
— I have reason to esteem thee a Friend indeed▪ That has neglected thy own Interest to serve me.  Shuf. 
I hope we have contracted such a Tie, as Jealousy can never violate, or necessity betray.  Rom. 
And now let us confirm it by Alliance;— Madam, you have not vowed Celibacy I am confident.— She will consider the Appurtinances of Wit and Good Humour.  Shuf. 
Truly such a Fortune would clear my Debts, redeem my Credit, and help me to some Honourable Employment.  

Of late, like some Fat Meteor I've blazed,  
And with false flagrant Zeal, the Crowd have 'maz'd;  
But now these Rays shall centre in a Star,  
Which for the future shall be regular.    
FINIS.