The merry Jests of SMUG the SMITH, Or the Life and Death of the Merry DEVIL of EDMONTON. With the pleasant pranks of Smug the Smith, Sir John, and mine Host of the George, about the stealing of Venison. Whereunto is added Mr Peter's Fables. And Smugs Ghost. By T. Brewer Gent. Sir John. Mine Host of the George. Smug pursued by the Keepers for stealing of Venison got upon the White Horse to escape his catching. London Printed for Francis Coles dwelling in the Old-Bayley. 1657. The Induction, with a Description of Master PETER FABEL. MAster Peter Fabel, otherwise called the merry Devil of Edmonton (for the many excellent jests he did) was a man of good descent: and a man, either for his gifts external, or internal, inferior to few: for his person he was absolute; Nature had never shown the fullness of her skill, more in any then in him: for the other, I mean his great learning (including many Mysteries) he was as amply blest as any. Very pleasant, kind, and freehearted was he▪ to, or with his familiars: very affable and courteous to strangers, and very liberal, full of commiseration and pity to the poor and needy: both abroad from his Purse, and at home from his Table. In his time very well known to him, and sometime (in pastime) very familiar with him were these men: Oliver Smug, Sir john the merry Parson, Banks the Miller, and mine Host of the George, in whose companies many times for recreation he would spend some hours. In Edmonton he was born, lived and died in the Reign of King Henry th● 7. How Master Peter deceived the Devil with a Candle's end. AT the first entrance of M. Peter into the Art of Magic, by charms, spells, and incantations, he raised a Spirit, and with the Spirit concluded, that if he would be obedient to him, serve, help, and further hime at such times, and in such things as he should command, his soul should be his reward. This Fire-Brand of Hell (with great sign of rejoicing) yielded and served him him (as his slave or vassal) with very great diligence in many matters and employments. When this officious servant thought he had been at his command long enough (for no term or time was set at the contract) he demanded his commander's soul, as the reward of his pains. Why, (said Master Peter) I have made thee a promise thou shouldst have it, and thou shalt have it, but not yet: when it hath left my body (by my death) take it to thee, till than thou mayest not have it, so rest thee contented. The Spirit began to threaten, and terrify him to make him set a time of payment for his pleasure: and so affrighted him, that he knew not what or how to answer him. Come (quoth the Devil) be brief, for Lucifer every minute looks for that soul of thine. Is there no remedy (quoth Master Peter) wilt thou allow me no time to set my business in order, and take my leave of my friends ere I go? allow me some small time for that, and do thy will. Why how long time (qd. the Devil? desirest thou I should allow thee? why I faith (quoth Master Peter no long time: spare me but till this inch-long end of candle (pointing to the candle burning in his study) and take my soul. Well (quoth the Devil) though by my charge I can hardly stay a minute, I'll stay so long: about it presently. If I neglect or oreslip my time (qd. Master Peter) take thou the advantage of it: yet one request more thou must grant me. What is that (qd. the Devil) marry this (qd, Master Pater) to confirm thy promise with an oath: I am very loath to trust thee on thy bare word, for all the world reputes thee but a knave: therefore come swear to forbear me till this candle is burned. By hell I will (quoth the Devil) and by great Lucifer, as I hope to draw down thousand souls to the deep Abyss (the place of my abode) I will forbear thee till this candle is burned. Then Master Peter, presently after his hellish protisttation, put the canle out, and into his pocket: look here (quoth he) till this is burnt, thou mayest not claim my soul: I'll keep this safe enough. Go I command thee, and tell thy proud Lord Lucifer, how finely I have overreached thee. When the Devil saw he was so cunningly deceived by Master Peter, with many bitter execrations he left him. How Master Peter deceived the Devil again. NOt long after the Devil had been deceived by the merry Devil Waster Peter Fabel, he went again to him, and finding him a sleep took the end of the candle (before spoken of) out of his pocket, and awaked him: when he had so done, he shown him the end of his candle. Look here (said he) here is this that thou keptst to keep me from my right (thy soul I mean) when this is burnt, thy soul must burn with mine: I'll quickly burn it now I'll warrant thee. When Master Peter saw he had lost his candle (upon the loss of which lay the loss of his soul, if his policy had not helped him out) he entreated him to spare him a little longer. No, no (said the Devil) all entreats are vain, thou hast deceived me once, thou shalt deceive me no more. 'tis a good world when men are so cunning in deceit, as to deceive the Devil: but it is no matter, thou art so much the readier for me. Yet hear me speak (quoth Master Peter) as thou likest my speech so deal with me. Well, be brief then (quoth the Devil) what hast thou now to say? No more but this (qd. Master Peter) if thou wilt spare till my timely death put that thou seekest into thy hands, I'll labour all the time I have to live for hell's advantage: I'll bear more souls along with me to hell then twenty of your cunning Devils shall. Shall I once more trust thee (quoth the Devil) on thy word? well, swear, why (said Master Peter) by the black river Lucifer thy Lord swears by I swear I will: and when I am buried, either within the Church, without the Church, in the Church-porch, Churchyard street, field, or high way take thou my soul. Well (qd, the Devil) in hope thou wilt gain me many souls to thine, take thy rest, and so he left him. Many years after, when Master Peter Fabel by his whte hairs weakness, aches, and such like signs, perceived he could not live long: he went and digged his deathbed in the Churchwall, and there rested day and night hearty praying & repenting him of all the evell he had committed. When the hour was well nigh come, that should separate his soul and body, the Devil went to him again and blamed him for neglecting his business by promise, and withal told him that he wa● come for his soul. Wh●n Mr. Peter heard that word he presently started up, and charged him to departed, my soul (said he) thou comest too soon▪ and yet too late to have it, he that redeemed my soul hath took't to keep, thou canst not have it. Didst thou not swear qd. the Fiend, that I should have 〈◊〉 soul at the hour of death? thou didst, and I will have it. I (said M●ster Peter) when I am buried either within the Church, without the Church, in the Church-porch, Churchyard, street, field, or high way, take thou my soul. See foolish fiend thou art deceived again, this hole is my grave, if this be either within the Church, without the Church, in the Church-porch, Churchyard, street, field, or highway, my soul is thine: thou seest it is not, therefore I charge thee (so deceived) depart. Still the Devil was eager on him for his soul till at last by his earnest prayers and zealous Invocations, he forced him to run ro●ring to hell again without it. How Master Peter Fabel punished a Friar and his Lemon for their knavery. MAster Peter Fabel one morning very early, walking in the fields (as his custom was, to meditate by himself) spied a Friar at prayers upon his beads very devoutly: when Mr. Peter saw him so earnest in his prayers, he went to him, & demanded him what his reason was, that his chamber would not serve for his prayers, as well as that place. Oh! Sir (said the Friar) all places are alike to me for this business, and all times, for I pray when the prick of conscience comes upon me, in what place, or at what time soever. I commend thee much (qd Master Peter) thou art an honest fellow, and so for that time they parted. The next morning Master Peter went again: and again found the Friar in the place where he left him that morning before, so devoutly praying, but not at the holy exercise, the spirit did not move him unless the evil spirit moved him, for instead of his book and beads, he had got a wench and sat colling her so close, and kissing her so thick, kiss upon kiss, that she could hardly fetch her wind for him. A good while stood Master Peter behind a hollow tree unséen, seeing them trick and toy together, at last to fright them from their venery, he went into the tree, and with a heavy hollow voice, cried out to the Friar in this manner: Friar, Friar, Friar, the Friar hearing a voice, presently started up, & looked round about him to see if he could find the Master of that tongue that called him: but in vain he stood looking, for he stood fare enough from his eye, though he were close to his ear. When the Friar had stood a good while looking about him, first on the one side, then on the other, and could spy no body, like a kind lecherous bald-pats, very handsomely, or rather very knavishly, he went to his wench again. He was no sooner laid down, but M●ster Peter the second time cried out (to disturb him) Friar, Friar, Friar. At the second call the Frer half affrighted started up again, and looked about him (a tip toe) to see if he could find a body to that voice but he found none. Now our Lady defend us (quoth the Friar to his wench) what voice is this that calls me so oft? Didst thou not hear it? yes faith sweeting (quoth she) I heard some body call to thee: canst thou not see him? No faith chuck (quoth the Friar) I can see no man: and yet surely this voice is the voice of a man. But it is no matter, let it be what it will if we cannot see it, sure we cannot feel it. Come chuck let's buss and be merry, be of good comfort and cross thyself, & I warrant thee safe for a farthing, down lay old baldpate again: but before he could give her three kisses, the voice raised him the third time, crying as before, Friar, Friar, Friar. Th●n the Friar's face began to bewray his fear: he had no more colour in his face at that time, (though at all other times he had colour enough) than one of these fine whay-faced Oatmeal eaters, or a wench troubled with the green sickness. Friar, Friar, Friar, (said Master Peter) (still keeping himself close in the hollow tree) he that sees thee now, unséen of thee, sees at all times, in all places, and all these thy actions. Here yesterday I saw thee at thy prayers very devoutly, with thy book and heads, is this the book thou bringest to pray on now? doth the prick of conscience move thee to do this? speak thou black sinner. There thou hast red thy damnation without present repentance and penance. Therefore presently both of you if you respect more the good of your souls, then of your bodies, by the penance I shall appoint you purge yourselves: when the Friar & his wench heard these words, they were verily persuaded in their minds that it was the voice of an Angel, they both kneeled down very reverently together, and said▪ thy will be done: appoint our penance, and we are ready (wi●h all willingness) to endure it. Then (said Master Peter) you both shall presently be whipped from this place (the place where you offended) into the Town and about the Town. This suffer & desire you to be done by the next man comes near you, and this sin is forgiven you, refuse this and despairing dye damned wretches. This or what else it shall please thee to inflict or lay upon us, for this sin (quoth the Friar) we will patiently suffer. Then Master Peter presently stepped out of the hollow tree, and went (very cunningly) round about the back side of a hedge, and came directly upon them, as if he had meant to pass by them. As soon as ever they saw him, they verily humbly on their knees told him how that in a place they had offended, and for that offence they were by the voice of an Angel, commanded to take present penance, or their souls could not be saved. And what (said master Peter) is the penance ommanded. Marry this (said the Friar,) to be whipped by the next man came near us, from this place (the place where we offended) to the town, and about the town, and this sin should be forgiven us. If we refuse this (this was our heavy sentence) to live in despair and die dam'd wretches. This therefore is our request sir (you being the man by the Angel appointed) that you would perform your part appointed, while we (very patiently) bear the reward of our wickedness. Well (qd. Master Peter) though I am loath to plea the Beadle, I'll do thy request, you shall not be dammed for want of a whipping. To be short, Master Peter tied the right hand of the Friar, and the left hand of his wench together, and having so done (with a sound smarting rod of willow) jerkt them to the Town before him. There in the view of all the people, he lashed them from one end of the Town to the other, telling them at every second or third stripe of the heinousness of their fault. When he had thus sound whipped, the lecherous baldpate, and his Leman, with most pitiful bloody backs, he left them, and losing their hands, he ga●e the Friar this caveat. Take heed good Friar, of Venus' fire, You see the hire, of foul desire. And so farewell, I have done your request, if at any time you have occasion to use me, in such a piece of service, command me. Away went he very heartily laughing, and the Friar and his wench very heavily weeping. How Smug won a wager of Master Peter Fabel by a trick that he did. AS on a day Master Peter Fabel, (an excellent Scholar and well seen in the Art of Magic) was conferring with certain of his friends about certain business and employments, Smug being in the hearing of them, between drunk and sober (for he had been plying the Pitcher in Master Peter's cellar) ran nodding in amongst them; and the very first word he spoke to them was how do you my Masters. They being in very serious talk, unwilling to be disturbed with his foolish babbling, with very fair words, requested him to leave them a little, and within half an hour (or such a thing) they would give him the hearing of that which he had to say to them. But he like an importunate beggar than he would not leave them till he had spoke his mind to Mr. Peter. When they saw there was no remedy, but he would have his will, come (said Master Peter) honest Oliver be brief, utter thy ignorance roundly, what hast thou to say to me mow? Marry qd. Smug, Master Peter, I hear say you are a very cunning Gentleman, and that you have done as many fine tricks & feats in your time as ere a juggler in Europe has done, what will you say now if a plain fellow, a hardhanded labourer, a poor leatherne-apronwearer, do such a cunning trick, as you Master Peter, with the help of all your great gogle-eyde, bottle-nos▪ d, blobber-lipt, bladder-chéekt, béetle-browed, ex-headed detestable Devils cannot do the like. Why ho●est Smug quoth Master Peter, who or where is he that will do this? Marry (qd. Smug) I am he. Art thou he quoth Master P●ter? Who would think thou hadst such tricks in thy budget? Pr●tée Smug tell me, dost not thou (as thou sayest I do) u●e the help of some infernal? hast thou no Devil in thy trick? come tell me: Devil quoth Smug, marry God bless me Master Peter, I cannot endure to look upon those filthy foul-mouthed fire-spitters, no Master Peter. What I do I will do of my extraordinary wit and invention. Well let's hear quoth Mr. Peter, wh●t is it you will do? Marry this I'll do quoth Smug, I'll set a candle burning in the midst of this room where we all are, open and easy to be seen as my han●: this 〈◊〉 M, Togood shall see, Master Dauby, Master Dauty, Mistress Friskin, and my man Ralph, here yet you shall not see it, mass Smug (qd. Master Peter) if thou canst do such a ●●ck, th●● puttest me down indeed. Come begin, let us see it done nay first (quoth Smug) let as have a lay upon it, I will not show my skill for nothing. Agreed (quoth Master Peter, what shall the ●ager be? why ●●ith (quoth Smug) Master Peter you know my mind, for that I lo●e always when I make a wager, rather to have it in 〈◊〉 ●●en dry, for you know Master Peter I am dry myself, and ye say the word, the wager shall be a dozen of double Ale, you know I am merry Smug, and merry Smug must have his merry go down, or else he is no body. Well I agree (qd. Master Peter) here is my hand, if thou perform what thou hast said, I'll lose, and I'll pay it. Then Smug called for a candle and candlestick, which when he had placed M. Peter in the middle of the room, and set the candlestick with the candle burning upon his head: now M. Peter said he do you see this candle: why no (qd. M. Peter) how should I see it? is it possible for a man to see the crown of his head? you cannot see it then quoth Smug, no I cannot see it said he. Then Smug demanded of the rest, before named, whether they did fee it or no, they all answered I, ask how they should choose but see it, and yet you cannot see it, they say they cannot choose but see, and yet you say it is impossible for you to see it. Come Mr. Peter, you know what you have lost? if there had been a Kingdom laid on it, when Mr. Peter saw how prettily Smug had overreached him, he smiling sent for his losses, and in pastime made Smug take his well won liquor so sound, that he lay by the walls that night. How Smug when he was made drunk, would needs go to fight with the shadow of a sword and Buckler. SMug one day being angered among a company of true drunkard● like himself, came chase out of the Alehouse, like a mad man, as you know drunkards and mad men are not much unlike, vowing to be revenged, or he would never drink draught of good drink again, as long as he had a day to live, & so chase réeling homeward, as fast as his legs would give him leave. This réeling infirmity threw poor Smug from post to post, and from wall to wall, here he knocked his face against one stock, there against another, till half the wild blood in his body was run out at his nose. Still on he ●●aggered, till he came to a seat near his home under a sign of the sword and buckler: where he sat a while to rest him, and as he sat like an honest man careful to keep both ends together, cast up, as near as he could without either ●en or counters, what he had received in the day before. But all his casting could not cast the remembrance of his quarrel out of his mind: for still be sat railing against his ●ot-companions most grievously, calling ●hem Scoundrels, scabs, slaves, Knaves, and perpetually damned or drunken Rogues. As he sat thus, fretting and chase vowing to be revenged, spied, as he shought the instruments of revenge lying before him: for it was a fair Moonshine night, and the shadow of the s●●●e he safe under, seem to him to ●e no loss then that it came off, the very sword and buckler that h●ng over his head, unséen or unthought off. Now you Rogues and Raggamuffin's (qd. Smug) I'll tickle i'faith, I'll ●'ne make no more add but take up my tools and to them again, by Pharaoh, by thi● Sun that shines says he (and looked up to the M●n) I'll kill them all, though every one of them had as many lives as a Cat: presently keeping to take up his supposed sword and buckler, he fell flat on the ground (for his head was so heavy, that when he add put it downwards, he could not raise it up again for his life.) There lay he sprawling and gropeing about to get his sword and buckler into his hands, so long that he fell ●●st a 〈◊〉, and waked not till morning, he was fetched home by a couple of his honest neighbours. How Smug laid a wager with certain Shoemakers that he was a Shoemaker, proved it, and won the wager. Three or four honest good fellows of the gentle craft, travelling together with Sir HUGH'S bones at their backs to get work, passing through EDMONTON, went to an Alehouse the next door to Oliver Smugs, to drink, where when they had sitten a quarter of an hour, or there abouts, drinking healths, very kindly and courteously, one to another, and to all good fellows of their crafts and acquaintance, to make themselves merry, they sung a song in three parts very orderly and well. Smu● (as he was at his work) hearing them sing so merrily, presently left his work and went to them again, bearing in either hand a full can of the best liquor. Here my old Lads of mettle (quoth he) here's to you, and to all good fellow Shoemakers in Europe, of which number (for want of a better) I myself make one. Why sir (quoth one of them) are you one of the gentle craft? faith quoth Smug I am as I tell you, and honest good fellow, and a Shoemaker, and for the love I bear to all kind Shoemakers, I have made thus bold to come and drink with you. They all very courteously welcomed him into their company, and made him ●it down amongst them. When they had sitten a good while together drinking & singing very merrily, one being a mad wag amongst them (above all the rest) suspecting Smug to be (as he was indeed) a Smith; looked very earnestly upon him, and about him to find something about him that might truly tell him whether he was as he said he was yea or no. At last prying very narrowly, he spied his hammer hanging underneath his Apron, in a great round brass ring. Then half angry with Smug, because he told him he was a Shoemaker and was not, he began to jest, slout and scoff at him, showing to the rest of his fellows and companions the hammer that hung under his apron. Why (said another of them) my honest friend, came you hither to slout us? wherefore have you told us you are that you are not? Why (quoth Smug) what did I tell you I was? why (quoth he) you did tell us you were as we are, a Shoemaker I did indeed (quoth Smug) I told you so, and again I tell you so, and will make good my word upon a wager with the best of you all, agreed (quoth one) what shall the wager be? Why i'faith (quoth Smug) I think you do intent to travel no farther than this town to night, and you say the word, the wager shall be a shot of six shillings to be spent in shear drink: what say you sirs, are you contented with it? if you be, strike hands and a match. A match said they) I know said one of them you are a Townsman, and therefore we shall not need to go far for a touchstone to try you. Presently came a Servingman into the Alehouse to Smug, and desired him for God's sake to give over his drinking and to go to work, for his Master's Horse stayed for shoes: what do you now think my Masters (quoth Smug) you see I now am sent for, and must go presently to put on a pair of shoes, will you yield you have lost? why look you here then my bullies, here's a shoe, pulling a Horseshooe out of his pocket, of his own making, what say you now? am I a Shoemaker yea or no? A Shoemaker (qd. one of them) here is a shoe in deed but it is a Horseshooe, nay (qd. Smug) I'll prove it to be shoe & no Horse shoe, for I made it for Moss his Mare of Endfield, but be it mares or Horse's shoe a it is, & I the maker, Ergo I am a Shoemaker because I made it. Therefore come, deliver your purses of a five shillings piece, or so many small pieces as amounts to so much, & let us stand close to our liquor for I think long till I fee it. The Shoemakers for all this would not yield they had lost, but would needs have him into the Town for further trial: But all gave judgement on Smugs side, that he was a Shoemaker, & had won the wager. Then the shoemakers when they saw there was no remedy, turned back with Smug to their old hostess, and paid their losses, with the loss of their wits for that night. How merrily Smug answered one that gave him good counsel. SMug one day being set in the midst of his merry 〈◊〉 swaggerting and swilling very quick in c●r●●ling & ●●lling in for more as if he had Fortunatus his purse in his pocket, was by an honest well governed man, that sat by, (and noted his humour) sharply reproved, and after reprehension, kindl yadmonisht him with these ensuing verses, It thou the name of Husband good wouldst have, Then toil to get, and getting, getting save: For he his get cannot wisely keep; Shall wake with care, when savours sound sleep. To which Smug merrily, and very readily made this answer, Alas good sir, good husband's name, My Dad ne'er had before me: For me to have't then, 'twere a shame, As long as Kate will scorn me. (As Parson plie-po●, counsels here) I'll freely take my liquer, It makes good blood, the fight more clear, And dull wit gr●w quicker. And so fell to his liquor again, till (contrary to his merry answer) it made his quick wit grow duller: for within one half hour or more, he had not one wise word to spare, though he might have had a King's ransom for it. How Smug was frighted by the Nuns of Chestone, thinking them to be Spirits, and how afterward he frighted them by his sudden appearance. SMug on a time, as he was stealing Venison, hearing the Keeper in the Park, got up into a tree, to keep out of sight till he were passed by him which he did: scaping the Keepers' eye, and so consequently his hand, very handsomely. But sitting there a little while, prying and peeping between the branches (like an O●●le in an I●y bush) to see, if the coast were clear, he spied the Mother Nun of Chestone, with three or four young ones (attired in white long robes, with rails and tibbits, as they used to wear) coming towards him with a little bell rung before them, sprinkling holy-water, and praying upon their beads very devoutly: withal the circumstances of that ceremony they used when they received a sister into that holy order. The very sight of these holy creatures, made Smug quiver, quake and shake like the leaves of the tree he sat upon, for he thought verily that they had been Spirits Furies, Fiends, or Hobgoblins, that came thither a purpose to carry him away for stealing of 〈◊〉 but they (poor souls) meant no more harm to him, then ●e to them, but past by, not casting so much as a look upon him. When they were p●st him, his heart (that till then was as heavy us a 〈…〉 saind spittle-mans') was as light as a Mor●is Dancers: And very lightly from knot to knot) got he from the top of the tree, thinking to have run to his fellows that stayed for him: but by that time he was gotten from the bows to the root, the Ni●●● was turned back again upon him. When he saw there was no way to get from them, suddenly he stepped right before them and upon his knees with a stretched throat (like an 〈◊〉 bawling Broom-man) desired them for God's sake not to hurt him, and he would never walk so late a Déerstealing again while he lived and still he yawled and bawled (with his hands clasped together in very pitiful manner, as though he would have rend his windpipe. The good old Nun, so suddenly encountered, by such a roaring raggamuffin, knew not what to do, but ran as f●●st from him as ere she could and all her young ones after the Dam, she run not so fast one way to leave him, but he run as fast another way to leave her, and to find out his fellows. When he had found them, he told them (in boasting manner, how he met with a company of Spirits in the Park, and they durst not abide the sight of him. Therefore be of good cheer my Masters (said be) if spirits be afraid to look upon me, and run so fast from me, I hope the sneaking Keeper dares not abide my fury, and so they passed on again to their thieving pastime. How Smug presuming upon his courage, after his exploit, (frighting these supposed sp●rits) would needs go the next evening again a Deere-stealing: and how dear ●● he paid for it. THe next evening Smug and his fellows went again a Déerstealing, but it was a dear Déerstealing to him & the rest of his companions for they has not been in the Pack above a quarter of an hour privily peaking about for their prey, but they spied the Keeper well weaponed with his great mastive dog at his heels. Now out alas said the Par●on, what shall we do my Masters? what shall we do? g●● Banks as thou art an honest Miller, and wouldst have me pray for the forgiveness of toledish sin, tell me what I shall do. Why alas good Sir john (quoth the Miller) what should I tell you, I know neither what to do nor say for myself? what sayest thou Smug, thou seest we are all in danger: I prithee good Oliver, as thou lovest a good fellow, and good fellowship, as thou lovest that, thou knowest we all love good liquor, give us some good counsel, and good Smug be brief, for thou seest our destruction is at hand. Why alas my Masters said Smug, what would you have me to do? by Vulcan I protest, I know not what to say to you: I would I were at my Forge, you good Sir John, a sleep in the bellfrey, and Banks in his Mill, or I would we were all there, that we might be as safe as a thief in a Mill. As they stood there prating and talking the one to the other, they saw the Keeper coming directly towards them: Oh now Sumg (qd. Sir ●ohn) stick to us all my trust is in thee, I prithee Smug show thyself as valiant now against this Keeper, as thou didst against the Spirits and Hobgoblins thou mettest here the other night. If thou be'st remembered thou gavest us words of comfort then and didst did us all be of good cheer and fear nothing, for thou saidst thou wouldst make the sneaking Keeper sly from thee, as fast as thou madest them sly. Now honest Oliver, be as good as thy word, make them fly & defend us, & I even I, Sir John your mad merry Parson, will pray to God for thy health and welfare, as long as I have a day to drink in: Why content you sit john (said Smug) I'll see what I can do, go you two and lie close behind that hedge: It I have but as good luck against this scurvy Keeper this night, as I had against my little long-tailed Hobgoblins the last night, we'll not leave the Park, without that we came for. They (as smug told them) went behind the hedge & left him alone to deal with the Keeper: but alas for all his big looks, and ●●aving worde● the Keeper thwacked him so sound, that he made him lie sp●a●ling on the ground, and so left him. When the Miller and the Parson (péeping through the hedge) saw the Keeper gone, & póor Smug lie in such a pitiful case, they went to him, now alas poor Smug (said Sir john) how is't? what cheer man? I perceive your ●utious looks could not fright away the Keeper, as if did the Spirits you told us of. Oh sir john (said Smug) this Keeper is a Devil, he hath paid me i'faith, & yet all these blows grieve me not so much sir john, as that you and my neighbour Miller did not stay to take part with me, for you would have had your ●hare in the Venison as deep as I and I had thought he had been wolf to deny withal then Spirits, the Devil should have dealt with him ere I would have come into his ●●●●ches. Smug had no 〈◊〉 spoke this word, but the Keeper was upon them again, and mightily imaged against them all, gave the Miller and the Parson as much as he had given Smug, and sent them all halting home together. How Smug, was revenged upon a Barber, (his Rival) that made him kiss his tail. AS honest Smug loved (as he lo●ed his life) the society of his bearded a●● defated, so in like manner, loved he sometime to be mad merry, amongst a mad company of his bare-chind boon companions, his little wanton Wagtails: his sweet and twenties: his pretty pinckinyed pigmies, etc. as he himself used commonly to call them. Amongst all the kind Lasses he used to keep company withal, one (above all) he best loved, & by that one whom he loved (above all) he was least loved: for fine Philip the Bather had so laboured in trimming his best beloved Barbara (for so she was called) that he when he came to her was as welcome as water in a Ship bad news to a sore grieved person or the shadow of a man to the longing Mistress, of a long kept Maidenhead. To be short, one evening Smug went to see his sweet Barbara, but when he was come where he thought to have been very kindly welcome, to the house of his best beloved, to his great grief he found the doors locked, bard, or bolted against him: she he looked for looked not for him, nor any other at that time: For the (as any kind whore will be) was content with one at once, and one she had: The Devil had put the Barber and she together, and she was very loath that any man should put them asunder. A good while Smug stood knocking, but no body would stir to let him in, than he went to the window, and there he kept a whewing, and a whistling to raise her, but all would not do: Then he fell to knocking with his knuckles against the casement, and last raised the Barber out of Barbaras bed, not in his own likeness, but in the likeness of Barbara his best beloved: for the Barber like a subtle knave slipped on his bedfellows petticoat, night-raile, and head-tire which became his hair-less face, as well as hers it was made for, & so went to the window in Barbaras apparel, he spoke Barbaras voice as near as he could, and past as currently with Smug in conference, as could be wished. After many loving words, Smug desired he might have a kiss ere he parted, for the Barber (for Barbara had told him he might by no means be let in at that time. This kind he-she very lovingly yields. I prithee sweet Smug (qd. this fine counterfeit) come buss me through this broken pane, that I will, i'faith (qd. Smug) with a good will as ere I came from school, or went to the Alehouse: then I prethèe Smug (qd. the Barber come smack me quickly that I may to be: again, and to morrow I'll meet thee where thou wilt appoint: why come sweet heart (quoth Smug) I am ready, and thrust his lips as far as he could thorough the broken pain, against Smugs lips, the Barber instead of his lips turned his AR. his lips I should have said: Smug smackt, & smackt that sweetly five or six times together ere he could tell what he kissed. At last he perceived he was played the knave with all and by whom: yet in policy very patiently put it up and with these words took his leave. Farewell sweet Barbara, for the kindness thou hast shown me at this time, for all thy former kindness and these sweet kisses, I rest by thee to thee to be commanded, whensoever, wheresoever, and in whatsoever thou pleasest, and so sweet Barbara for a while God be with thee. To bed went the Barber again, and Smug as fast as he could foot it homewards: as late as he was when he came whom, he found his folks hard at work, and a heat in the fire ready to be stricken out. Smug presently took the iron out of the fire (sparkling hot) and ran as fast as he could back again to Barbaras window, and there very hastily called for his sweet Barbara: desiring her most heartily to let him have one kiss more, and he'd raise her no more that night: the Barber presently started up to the window again, as he had done before, and (as he had done before) set his buttocks close to the broken pain, thinking that Smug, as he had done before would have ●ist them: but instead of kissing, or putting his lips too, he put his hissing hot iron to him, and made him fly from the window as fast, as it the great Devil himself, and a dozen little ones had been at his tail. Now (quoth Smug) my neat tremmer, I have trimmed you aboat the lips, as well as you have trimmed me about the lips: as you like this, play the knave with me another time, and so farewell good plaster-maker, high thee home; and clap a plaster to it quickly, or thou'lt feel me when thou dost not see me. When Smug had thus revenged himself upon his rival he left him crying and fretting, and w●nt laughing home again roundly. How Smug foxed the fellow that went to cornute him in the Fox-chamber. TWo brothers (young gallants in Edmonton) who had often made themselves merry with Smugs company, had an equal desire to cornute or in plain terms, to cuckold honest Smug éene on the night his wedding night, not so much drawn to it by her beauty (for she was but a homely Smug Lass) or any part or quality in her ●s a desire they had to do him that wrongs and especially upon that night: privy strife was between plotting and contriving the one to deceive and prevent the other; Upon the wedding day as opportunity served, the elder brother 〈◊〉 the Bride into a corner, where he spent many persuasive words to wi●● her to accord to his (as he called it) loving request man● of poor Smugs faults and imperfections he laid open, and withal his purse with very large proffers to draw her on the more easily: but all could not do: She liked never the worse of her smug (whom she had taken for better for worse) for the disprai●●● of him nor the better of him for all his large proffers: and therefore willed him, to give over his honest suit, and be packing: for she was not a Woman (howsoever she seemed in his eye) of the unchaste disposition. This & many such like answers she made him, as very willing to be rid of him but could not: for he (scorning to show ●●●●●full blush) came upon her still, after her cross answers with a fresh supply of smooth words, & left her not till be made her (with the appointment of place and mi●●te) make him promise th●● he should have his desire, but alas that promise pa●● not from her heart, for ●he was of a settled conscience, that no means might move herineither proffer, person, or any other ind●c●ment whatsoever, to prove false to her Oliver. When he had thus received his answer, & was gone his younger Brother privily set upon her to the same purpose, and with the answer he had was sent away very pleasant, but his expected pleasure was his pain in the end. For she as soon as they had left her, acquinted her Gr●●m, or her Bridegroom with their purpose and to 〈◊〉 that ten a clock was the hour, and the Fox Chamber the place appointed, wishing him for the night to lie there alone in her stead, ready to receive them or any of them. When Smug understanding the knavery that was practised against him, after two or three smacking kisses, and thanks for her kindness in telling it, he began to talk to himself in this manner. A ha' my little 〈◊〉 jinglespurs would you be nibbling? would you i'faith Lads, I'll have a bait shall bait your boldness a little, I'll Fox you i'faith come to the Fox-chamber as soon as you will. To be short, a little before the time appointed, Smug got him to be● in the Fox-chamber, against they or one of them should come: about the hour appointed, both the Brothers met in the dancing room, or Hall, for they must pass through that to the Fox, prepared to perform their promises: but this unhappy meeting had almost marred all, for neither of them durst enter into the others sight. By and by, before a minute of the prefixed time was past, the younger slipped in whilst the elder stood talking amongst the dancers and to bed he went. He was no sooner got into his Hostess (as he thought) but Smug stepped out, and with an old dry ●oot that he had (laid ready for that purpose) so belaboured this young Muttonmonger in his shirt, that he had been as good have had a sound whipping as that basting. A ha' quoth Smug, i'll for you i'faith boy, dost thou think mine Host of the George had a Whore to his Wife? no thou lecherous Bab●●n, Smug is better liked of in his freeze or shéep-skin, by his own smug Lass, then ere a spruce sléeked Gallant of you all. Why I prithee good Smug (qd. the youngster) be contented, if I have made thee a fault, I will make thee amends: Nay alas (quoth Smug) 'tis not fault, I rather account myself, for the kindness you should have shown to me, in your debt, but I'll pay you ere you and I part, and about him he laid again: Then Smug made him slip on his clothes and beat him out of doors. When the elder Brother (who all the while he was as he thought) in the Fox chamber with Smugs Wife, saw how be was ●uld by her, & basted by him, be smiled to himself to think how well be was rewarded for his forwardness, and how cleanly he himself had escaped that scouring. Why how now Brother (said he) what's the matter? hath your Bedfellow beat you? is she such a Devil? how chance you pleased her no better? please her (quoth he) the Devil please her and him too, they have pleased me a plague on them, but it would have pleased me better Brother, if you (as it was your desire this evening) had had my place. Why Brother you may see (quoth the Elder) what it is to be so forward in seeking to deceive your Elders. Well come Brother, let's go home and fléep honestly, for we see what's got by tempting honesty, he has taught thee, and thou hast taught me to take heed how we enter into any such action again. Then home they hied them hand in hand, one smiling and jesting, and they together fretting and chafing, cursing poor Smug and his Wife, and the Fox-chamber extremely. How Smug being drunk, lost his fellows in the Park, and how when they got together by whooping and hollowing, he took them for Thiefs, and would by no means know them till he was sound thwacked by them, and made to know his friends from his foes. ANother time Smug was fetched out of the Alehouse by Sir John, the Miller, and mine host of the George, in such a case as it had been fit he should have gone to bed to sleep, then to the Park a Déerstealing, but drunk as he was they would have him along with them, for without him they were no body, he must needs go though he could hardly stand alone. Well to the Park they got him with what great ado, consider of the case he was in and imagine: when they were entered into the Park, and were ready to enter upon the business, they severed themselves every one to his appointed standing, with their weapons for that purpose, as Crossebows, Longbows, and staves. Smug he was set (because he was not in case to take steady aim) to watch that the Keeper came not upon them before they were ware, but while they were close at their business, their centinel (honest smug) forgetting both where he was, and also what charge he had taken in hand, went reeling down the Park, clean out of sight and hearing. When Sir John, the Miller, and the mad host had struck the stroke, and made them all glad men, and bound their prize up handsomely together, they went to fetch their continell, but when they came to the place where they set him, he was not to be found: body of me (qd. Sir John) what shall we do? kind neighbours and friends, what shall we do? honest Smug with his head full of liquor is gone God knows whether, I pray Jove he be not fallen into some of these ditches, that I hope he is not (qd. mine Host) he was w●t ●nugh before: why what a mad knave is this Smug (qd. the Miller) he is sure aslèep somewhere, faith then (qd. sir John) we were best give over seeking for him by the eye, and try what we can do by the voice. Then they fell to whoo●i●● and hollowing as loud archey could, ●hat Smug might hear and answer them: a good while they went whooping and hollowing, but Smugs ears was two far off for th●ir voices to reach, they could by no means hear their answering hollow: the babbling Echo answered every whoop they made, but Smug not one. So long they walked whooping & hollowing up & down, that the discoverer of every bad action, the morning was ready to discover theirs, and yet Smugs hollow could not be heard. At last when they had given over hollowing and were going without him, they heard him whoop: bush (qd. sir John) I think I hear his voice: from whenc comes it? mass & I hear it too (qd. that host) but from whence I know not why then (qd that Miller) we were best by our hollowing to keep him hollowing still, and so we shall come to him I'll warrant you. They did as the Miller counselled them, & within less than a quarter of an hour had sight of him. When they were come near together, sir john (out of the love and good will we bear to Smug, ●●ept forward before his fellows, and with an outstretched arm, and smiling countenance would have embraced him. But Smug in his drunken humour (not knowing him to be sir john nor the Miller & mine Host that followed him, to be his old honest familias Copesmates) took him such a knock o'er the pate, that he made Mr. Parson stag●er like himself, though their causes were much unlike. Why how no● Smug (qd. the fiery-faced Host) wilt thou fight with thy friends? Friends (qd. Smug) foot you rogues do you come rob me? Keep out, keep out I advise you, and you mean to go home again to see your Wife and Children (if you have any) kéek out, by Ph●raoh you all die else. Why I pr●thy Smug (qd. the Miller) put down thy ●●●pon, we are all thy friends: I prithee Smug (qd. mine Host) put thy staff on thy shoulder, and let's go home together dost thou not know me? Come, give me thy hand. That I will (qd. Smug) There, & knoct him o'er the pate with his staff; there's a hand for thee, & still stood striking at him, laying about him like a mad man. When they saw he would by no fair entreaty come to the knowledge of them, they all laid at him, & well, & sound basted his sides, & by that time they had thwaekt him sound, indeed his wits were come to him. Then he knew his friends from his foes, & desired them very kindly (every man by his name) to hold their hands, and very orderly and well helped his fellow thiefs to bear ●●me their booty. How Smug was deceived of his Red Cap by his Wife, and by that deceit forced to leave his swaggering Company, and go with her home to his labour. AMongst divers Articles that were a reed upon betwixt Smug and his Wife, is be kept unviolated on either part, this was one: That day that Smug ha● his red Cap on, (which Cap he called his Cap of Maintenance) he was like a Lord of Misrule, to have rule and dominion over his Wi●e, both at home and abroad: that day he had to spend at his own pleasure, to Card, Dice, Drink, Drab, dominéer, and do all that i● pleased him to do, without any interruption, or contradiction. But without that Cap he might do nothing, but what stood with her good will and liking. If at any time he were gaming, drinking, domineering, etc. without this Cap of Authority, if his wife came into the place where he was and did but hold up her ●inger, he was presently to give over his company, obey, and follow her home to his business. One morning betimes, Smug was called from his work by a company of true Tosspots (like himself) to go a Fox-catching: Forth he went with his red Cap upon his head, swaggering and swearing, amongst his most abominable bóone Companions, like the Captain of a Galley-foist. First they tasted Liquor in one house, then in another, than another, and so from house to house, till they had not left an Alehouse in all Edmonton untasted. At last, when their brains began to be dizzy, with running ●o long in this maze of Good-fellowship, (as one evil leads to another) they went all as wise as Woodcocks to a house of Iniquity, and there they drunk and swaggered helter skelter: And to make them leap the more lustily, they sent for a noise of Minstrels: and after that pitiful noise, the Triple and the Bagpipe, they danced all out of measure. One while this creaking Music would go creeping after them, like a tired follower after his leader, and another while it would run so fast before them, that they were fain to run more than a Lackey pace to overtake it. In the midst of this merry pastime came Smugs Wife fretting & chase into the Room, to fetch him home, but ●y no mean he would give over his pastime, it was his day, and he would spend it at his pleasure. When she saw he was so far in, that he could hardly be got out, she fell to entreating, desiring him very kindly to go along home with her: but the more she entreated, the more he stood against her. Why thou confounding Cockatrice (said he) do●t thou not see my Cap of Maintenance, my Scarlet coloured Cap? am not I to do my pleasure, without check or control, so long as this Cap is on my head? Away, beg●n, or by the life of Pharaoh I'll he humble thee: I tell thee, so long as this Cap is on my head, I will not be crossed in mine humour. Then she perceived it was but a folly to seek by entreaty to get him home, and yet she was very loath to leave him behind her in that disordered Company. A good while she stood musing with herself, what she were best to do to get him along with her: in vain she studied not, for her study begat a trick that effected her will, and that was this: She took her man Ralph's Grey Cap from his head, and very handsomely, when she saw her Husband was ●u●●e in talk (and had lost the sense of his feeling) she took his Red Cap off, and put the Grey Cap on, in the stead of it. When she had so done, she placed herself right before him again, and held up her finger; for ask before said) at the holding up of her finger he was to fulfil her pleasure, his Red Cap being from him. When Smug saw her finger up again (little thinking of her subtlety) he was very angry, and out of his anger said thus unto her: How darest thou presume to hold up thy finger, and see this, (pointing to his Red Cap, as he thought?) Down with that finger, or I'll set down finger and body and all, by the life of Pharaoh; now by broad-cheeked ●●cchus, that sweet swilling God of Good fellows I will: shall I be crossed in my humours? If my Red Cap were at home, and ●here, I would obey thee: but being both here, I will not. Why you are deceived (qd. ●he) your Red Cap is not here, and therefore you must and shall along with me: look here, is this your Red Cap (said she?) and took it from his head to show it him; I pray you look upon it well. When Smug had looked well upon it himself, and had asked the Miller and the merry Priest's judgement of the colour of his Cap, and found it to be a Grey Cap he looked as pale as a poor respairing Debtor at the sight of a Sergeant, or his cutthroat Creditor, and presently yielded, made a low leg, took his leave of his Company as handsomely as he could, and réeled home with his Wife very lovingly. How Smug was taken by the Watch, and set in the stocks for abusing of them, and how he kept such a coil with whooping and hollowing under a sick woman's window, that the Constable was fain to set him at liberty, and glad to be so rid of him. Drink and good Fellows had kept Smug out so late one night, that the Watch, as he walked homewards, had him in examination, both where he had been, and about what business. Smug half ●u●●el'd, or (as many term it) some what rugged, answered every demand very crossly: whereupon the Watchmen (as men in Authority will) taking it for a great presumption, that he should answer them so unhappily, grew very choleric, and in their heat of anger struck him, and heaves him, and shoved him between them, as they would have ●●ook him to ●●ters. But, as ●efore this rigorous usage, he could not well brook their words, he could now well worse brook their ●●owes, and therefore resolved, as before he had given them one cross word for another (I, and perhaps returned them with the vantage) seeing they were so ready to give blows, to give them blow for blow. So long he laid about him with his Mammer, (for that was his Morglay) that scarce two of half a dozen that began with him, would stay to make an end with him. By and by came the Constable, with the bloody Runaways, to bear Smug to the Stocks (which stood under the Constable's Window) with much ado they dragged him to them, and with as much ado got in his leg. When they had thus set him fast, they left him, and every man returned to his place again. Being thus left alone, he fell to singing, to pass away the time as merrily in the stocks, for once, as he had done in the Alehouse many a time and oft: He was as well furnished with odd pieces of b●●dy Ballads, and drunken Catches, as a man of his profession might be: which he so roundly trolled out as he sat, that the Constable's Wife was feign to send down her Maid to desire him to sit quietly, and hold his tongue. How hold my tongue (said Smug) no: though Master Constable have a trick to force me to hold my legs still, he wants a trick to make me hold my tongue still. But I prithee Wench, tell me from whence, or from whom comest thou, to bid me hold my tongue. Marry (said the Maid) I dwell here; you sit under the Chamber Window where my Mistress (who sent me) lies very sick: How sick (quoth Smug) I prithee tell me Lass, who is thy Mistress? Marry (quoth ●he) the Constable's Wife: How? (said smug) the Constable's Wife? What? his Wife that set me here? I even his Wife (quoth the Maid) therefore I prithee good fellow be quiet. O I will, I will, (said Smug) go tell thy Mistress I will not sing one Song more to disturb her: I prithee do not good fellow) (quoth the Maid) and so went up again to her Mistress. She was scarce in the Chamber with her Mistress, delivering his answer but he was as loud and far louder than he was before, though not in the same manner, because of his promise: for he had turned from bawling like a Ballad-singer, to shouting, whooping and hollowing like a Forester. Such a noise he made as he sat with hollowing and whooping (as is if he had been a hunting) that Master Constables sick Wife could by no means take a minute's rest by him. Twice or thrice she sent her maid down to him again, to desire him to he quiet: but as often as she sent, he strained himself to raise his voice higher. Nay i'faith (qd. Smug) your Husband set me here I thank him, and do you thank him, if I be a trouble to you, for setting me so near you: Blame not me, for i'faith I must be doing somewhat to make myself merry. When he had thus told her his mind, he fell to whooping and hollowing again. Then she sent for her Husband, thinking by his presence to still him: but he being with him, Smug was ten times worse than when he was from him (for he played the knave so on purpose to cross him.) When Master Constable saw, that neither fair means, nor foul, could make him hold his tongue, and that by the noise he made his Wife grew worse and worse; he commands his Beadle (or some other under Officer) to let him out, and desired him very kindly to go quickly home to his dwelling. Thus honest Smug by's knavery, Go●'s heels again at liberty. How knavishly Smug was dealt with by three or four of his fellow Drunkards, and how he broke the Glass that shown him the shadow of his one face. SMug in his time had played many mad pranks by many, and one day it was his chance to light into the company of three or four mad consorts, that played the knave as well with him, as ever he had played the knave with any. When they had spent a fore-●●●n in quaffing together, and filled him with liquor, (which he was very easily entreated to take) and filled him so full, that he was too heavy to stand or go, they led him out of the Alehouse into the Church-Porch, and there laid him all along upon his back upon a Bench. Under his head (instead of a Cushion, or a pillow) they put a Cricket, or a little Joint-stool, (such as Children use to sit on in the Chimney-corner) and under his feet, a great rough-hewed Freestone. Yet as hard as they laid him, he slept as sound, as if he had been laid down upon a bed of Down; and lay with such a grace, as few Smiths (I can tell you) can lie: for he had upon his head his Red Cap, his Cap of Maintenance, buttoned up before, with a fair Feather of a Peacock's Tail in it, bound about with a Carnation silk Ribbon; his Leather Apron turned round together, and wound about his middle: his Hammer hanging (Hanger-like) by his side, and both his hands in his pockets. Thus lay Smug at length, like the Image of Duke Humphrey, over his long ago consumed Carcase, or his Dust, Earth, and Ashes. Had honest Smug (thus lying) been grated about, with some pitiful Epitaph, or Deaths-Head, and Memento Mori, and his sleep lasted as long as the sleep of one of the Seven Sléepers; I am persuaded he would have had more Spectators than the richest Monument that stands either in Saint Paul's Church, or Westminster. But to the matter: when (as he lay thus) the mad crew that laid him so, saw he was as deep in Sleep as Drink, they began to work their wills upon him in this manner: They got a good handful of small Coa●●s which they beat to powder, and having ●●at them to powder, put them into a dish of fair water▪ when they had Well-mingled (like right daubing Painters) their Small-Coale powder, blacking, and Water together, and made a perfect Coal-black, without either Size or any such like selling Stuff, they said it on his face, which was reasonable black before, not leaving so much white or red to be seen as a small pins-head will cover. When they had thus he blacked and b●smouched him, with his Devils look, they left him (snorting on the Porch-Bench) till he should either wake of himself, or be waked of the Sexton, or some other kind of bald-pated Officer. There he slept fondly three or four hours without moving; till at last, with a remove that removed him from the Bench to the ground, he waked, & after long stretching, reaching, and yawning, got upon his feet. But alas, when with much ado he was got up, he had as much ado to stand: yet out of the Church-porch he made a shift to stagger, and up into the street. When he was ther● (réeling homewards to his own house) the Boys at play in the street spied him: at the first sight half afraid of his black face, they ran apace away from him; yet at last, when a great company of them were gathered together, they turned to him again, and followed him close, shouting and crying after him, Devil, Devil, Devil. When Smug, as drunk as he was, heard them call him Devil, Devil, Devil, he marvailed much in his mind wherefore they called him so (for alas he knew not:) Had they called him Drunkard, it would never have grieved him; for that he knew to be his ordinary Title. Still followed the boys at his heels, (crying as they begun) Devil Devil, Devil, throwing old shoes, Boo●●s, and Pi●●le stones after him: so long they followed him, that they made him (whole drunk) ●alfe mad; yet all he could do, he could not mend it: The boys loaded him so well, they would not leave him till they saw him at his door. His Wife (busy within) bearing the noise and shout the boys made, looked out, and spied her own sweet Husband in that sweet taking presently she got him in a doors, and there began (very prettily) to make use of her tongue to him. After many brabbling words between them, she shown him a glass, in which he saw the shadow of his face, in that most pitiful case. Then Smug began to swear (not like a Smith I can tell you) Gog's Nouns, Foot and nails, thou most abomi●●nable whore, dost thou show me the Devil, to fright me from that little store of wit which I have? and thy Devil were ten Devils, I am not afraid of him, and that thou shalt quickly see: With that he took his Hammer from ●is side, (still seeing his own sweet shadow in the Glass, which he took to be the Devil (struck at it, and with one blow clattered the Glass all in pieces. Now you Whore (said he) where is your Devil now? I think I have mauled him I faith: Bring your Devils to me, dost th●u? Thou whore dost thou. Alas sweet Smug (quoth she) seeing him so very much moved, be patiented I prithee sweet Chuck, and showing him the cracked frame: look here, here is no Devil: therefore I prithee swéett Oliver be quiet. Nay (quoth Smug) I'll tickle your Devils, i'faith; and your Devils come to ●●●est 〈◊〉 within mine own House, upon mine own ground, I'll Devil them. Come good sweet heart (quoth she) now thou hast beaten the Devil away, let us go to bed, after a quarter of an hours fretting, with very good words she got him to bed. In the morning when she knew his sleep had made him sober, she shown him his black face in another Glass; which when ●e saw, and knew well what he saw, he blushed; but the ●est was it could not to sée●, till his ●izard was taken off with fair w●●e● and soap: then he confessed himself faulty, promised amends, and we●t very close to his labour. How cunningly Smug scaped the Keeper, and others that pursued him, and made him run up and down from place to place to seek him in vain. SMug and his and ●rew of Venison-●aters, one night being at their 〈◊〉, were suddenly set upon by their old Enemy that Keeper, & two or three more; that after they had taken great pains to get their prey, & bound it up handsomely ready to bear it away, they were forced to 〈…〉 them, for fear of a further mischief. The Miller he r●n one way, and nimble sir John in his buckram 〈◊〉, another way, and Smug another way, as fa●● as if they had him 〈◊〉 up to running all their life time. They had no time to take their leave one of another, or appoint a place of 〈◊〉. As those 〈◊〉 took several ways to run, so the Keeper and his 〈…〉 themselves to pursue them, one far after the Miller, mo●●er after sir John, and two or three after Smug for he was the ●●ly 〈◊〉 they looked for, though all them were known to the Keeper well enough▪ The Miller be r●n not far, ere he was stayed with a good p●t ●● the 〈◊〉: Sir John● followers followed ●o close, that he was 〈◊〉 to leap for his liberty over a ditch: over he should have 〈◊〉, 〈…〉 a short leap laid him ●● along in ditch and so he was stayed and taken up with never a drye●●▪ ●o on him▪ Smug ●e 〈…〉 homewards, followed at the heels ●y the Keeper and another, yet they could not overtake him. When he was got to Edmonton, with running to and fro up one Lane, and down another; he got out of the fight of his pursuers: but it was so late, he could not get into any house to hid him, save his own: and into that he durst not go, fearing they would go thither to seek him. A pretty while he stood studying which way to shift for himself resolving one while to do this thing, another while that, another while another. At last, standing thus in a brown study, turning his eyes first one way, than another way, one while up, another while down, he spied the sign of the White ●orse: not painted upon a board (as they use to be here in the City.) but fashioned out of Timber, and set gallantly over the Digne-post. Mass (quoth he) I care not greatly, if I get up and bestride this White Horse, and make another S. George here in Edmonton: I'll do it i'faith, it may be I may sit safer so than any way else; if I do, I do: if I no not, I know the worst on't, 'tis but wearing two stocks upon one leg, and I am as well able to endure it now as ere I was. Up to the White Horse he get and backed him bravely, with his arm stretched out, his hammer in his hand in stead of a Sword, and the Lippit of his Red Cap tied under his Chin, which stood for his Helmet most featly. While he set thus gallantly st●●●●ing upon his Wooden horse (yet no Hobby-horse) the keeper that followed him so close, to have gotten him into his keeping (with the other that was with him) went peaking and prying in every 〈◊〉 of the street to ●●d him: twice or thrice (backward & forward▪) they went under him, and yet could not see him, but he saw them well enough. When they had lost an h●●rs labour, or thereabouts in seeking after him without doors, they resolved another while to seek him within: Come said the Keeper to the other; let us go search the Inns, and first this, this White Horse is his daily haunt, & therefore it may be we shall find him here this nighte●●●● let us in. As the Keeper was going into the White Horse (under Smug) his fellow looking up, had him stay, stay: quoth the Keeper, wherefore should I stay? Why look you (said the other) this is not the White Horse as you take it to be, this is the George. Mass (qd. the Keeper) 'tis the George indeed come let's over to the White-Horse. When they had crossed the Way, (as they thought to the White Horse) they found the George again. Zounds (qd. the Keeper) Jack, this is the George too. What? have we two Georges in Edmonton? Foot man, where are we? If this be Edmonton, here was but one George yesterday, and the white Horse over against it, now here are two George's one against another; this is strange: 'tis very strange indeed (quoth the other.) Bones man are we not at Hodsdon? For thou knowest the two Georges are in Hodsdon. Mass thou sayest true, Jack; and by these Signs, this should be Hodsdon. Come come. (quoth the other) we mistook our way t●● the dark: this is Hodsdon; come, let's up to Edmonton. Content (qd. the Keeper) and together they ran as fast as they could to Hodsdon, to find Edmonton. When Smug, who heard all their talk (and sat laughing, ready to bewray himself with laughter saw them trudging towards Hodsdon, be got down from his white Horse, and went to bed, leaving them in their Wild-Goose-Chase, to seek him. When they were come to Hodsdon, there they saw the two George's too, for there the Signs stood indeed, than they chased, swore, and stamped like madmen, cursed poor Smug and his company, and vowed to be the death of him if e'er they could take him handsomely. There they took up their Lodging for that night, and the next morning went home to their business. How Smugs Wife locked him in a Doors, when he would have gone abroad a Swaggering, and what shift he made to get out and amongst them. SMug oneday very early prepared himself to go abroad, according to promise the day before a Drinking: and to go handsomely, he tricked himself up in his holiday Suit, put on a clean Band & his redcap that he might go through stitch with his business, without cross, or controlment. But alas, even as he was ready to go down the stairs, his Wise perceiving his intent, presently to cross him, stepped out of the Chamber before him, passed the body after her, and locked him in: now, said she, and p●n be hot with anger, walk up and down and cool yourself; If your walk tyre you, lie down and rest you, for you shall rest upon no Ale Bench this day. This cross deed and these cutting words of hers vexed him, that he was almost in a bad a case with fretting, as he had been the day before with drinking; yet he saw there was no remedy but patience, for neither fair words nor foul could make her turn the Key to let him out. From the time he risen till almost Dinner time, he walked up and down in his Chamber, cha●●ng, fretting, and mumbling like poor Tom of Bedlam in his Barn, or bousing Inn. At last (to cross his Wife aswell as she had crossed him) he took an empty Can that stood by upon a little Table tied it to the end of a long string: and put it out at his Chamber-window; where it hung dangling like the poor men's Box all Ludgate, and he himself, like the bawling Box▪ man, stood peeping through his Lattice, crying, For the Lords sake, for the Lords sake, good people, pity a poor Prisoner; making his Can dance at the end of his whip cord, with drawing it up and down as nimbly as one of the little thread Puppets in the lamentable Motion of Dives and Lazarus. Well, there he stood in this manner bawling and yawling, fill he had drawn as great a company of people together, as the babbling of a cheating Mountebank, or the foule-fured, throat of an itchis Ballad, singer in a Fair or Market-time. To conclude, when his Wife saw such a company of people, Men, women and children gathered about him, she (poor wretch) ashamed to hear him, and vexed at those that stood gaping about him, in a cha●●ng heat as she locked him in, let him out, and was glad to be so ●●d of him. How Smug was revenged on his Wife, for Locking him in a doors. THe day succeeding this unkind Cross, Smug risen again very early, and put on working day apparel, with his old Shéepes-Russet-Button-Cap, and went to work as hard as if he had wrought for a wager; he laboured at the Forge (but 'twas to forge a piece of Knavery) till his sweaty face ●éeked again. All the day long wrought he thus hard without any stop, stay, or hindrance: nay, which is more to be wondered at he drank not above thrice all day and that was as he used to call it, small comfort, commonly called small Beer. His Wife to see him work so close (as she very well might) mervailed and gave him as kind words as he could wish for, and swore by the faith of her body, she was glad to see such a sudden alteration. He still plying his work, gave her good words for her good words, very kindly. When his labour had brought on the Evening (which brings an end to labour) he very kindly requested his Wife to walk with him, to nip themselves a little in the Evening for it was a very fine frosty Moonlight evening: she very kindly took his kind request, and went with him. Very lovingly they walked together, arm in arm out at the Town's end, one while this way; and another while that even as it pleased him (her most virtuous Leader) to lead her. They walked thus lovingly up and down together so long, that there was no Candle burning nor one eye open in all the Village; then home apace he hied him. When he was come to the door, ready to enter, he sent his Wife on a sléevelesse Errand to the Turning-Stile, to his honest neighbour Noddamus: while she poor woman, was about his bidding, mistrusting no Knavery to be done against her, he presently turned the Key on the outside to let himself in, and on the inside to lock her out. When she was returned from the place afore-named and found the door locked, and the Key sticking in the inside, she knocked, and with her knocking called; but bonest Smug lay snug, and would neither rise to let her in nor make her any answer. Then she knew not what to do, but (as Women do wanting their wills) safe and cried, to ease her stomach. His resolution was set to make her sit all that Night, to knock her heels and blow her nails at the door, like a poor back-bitten Stall-créeper: Never did she chatter better with anger, than she did at that time with the coldness of the weather, that made her tooth go faster than her tongue. When she saw, that neither reasonable knocking, nor unreasonable calling could raise him, she took up a great Flintstone, and beat against the door, as though she would have beat it down. Then Smug started up to the window in his shirt, and very strangely asked, who it was kept such a bouncing at the door? Marry goodman Drunkard, quoth she, it is I that knocks: Wherefore hast thou locked me out? Nay first, quoth Smug, answer me, Wherefore didst thou lock me in? 'Twas so lately done, I am sure thou hast not forgot it; or if thou hast, thou seest I have not. Thou lockedst me in, and I have locked thee out, Good Agnis walk,— go walk about. So, talk no longer; for I swear by my Redcap, and by Bacchus, the god of good Liquor, I mean to keep thee out all night, as thou keptest me in all day: and so sweet Agnis, till between Seven and eight in the morning, farewell. To bed went he again, and left her to shift for herself till morning: how they agreed when they came together, I know not; but you may judge, she scarce took it patiently. How Smug quarrelled with his Fellows, and was ready to fight about the singing of a Catch: and how till they turned it to his mind, he would not be quieted. SMug one day being very merry with his honest swilling Associates, from Drinking fell to Singing; and amongst all the odd Alehouse Catches they had up, this was one, J'll tie my Mare in thy ground: this, I'll tie my Mare in thy ground, was ●ost so long to and fro between Smug, the Miller, and the merry Parson, that Smug had forgot that he was singing a Catch, and began to quarrel with the Parson, thinking verily he had meant (as he said in his Song) to tie his Mare in his ground. Will you tie your Mare in my ground (said Smug?) the Parson sung still, I'll tie my Mare in thy ground: In my ground, said Smug? still went the Parson for ward with his Catch, I'll tie my Mare in thy ground, etc. Then Smug began to swagger indeed, and swore, If he tied his Mare in his ground, he would make his Cap and Scull cleave together: besides, he would give his Mare such a Drench, that after that Drink, she should never eat more. The Parson seeing Smugs rage increasing with very good words entreated him to be patiented, and cast away Choler; for as I am an honest Sir John, and a boon Companion, I meant no harm in the world: I did but sing the Catch, as the Catch was. But all these kind words and entreaties could not win Smug to patience, till Mr. Parson turned his Song, and himself in singing, from him to the Miller: Then they were as good friends as could be, and in kindness, went again to drink together, till they were all laid drunk to sleep. How Smug being drunk in his Bed, pissed upon his Wife through a Cullender, taken in stead of a Chamber-pot. LAbouring at the Liquor all day, many times tired Smug fare worse than his labour at the Forge, as it was often seen by him; but most especially at this time, that I am now to speak of: For at this time be had laboured so hard (and no body blame him, for he ceased not from morning till night) that his legs were not able to bear him to his Bed. But what be could not do himself for himself, the helping hands of some kind Neighbours and friends did: in Bed they laid him, and left him, to get that sleeping that he lost waking. There lay be grunting and groaning like a Hog in a Sty, turning to and fro, from one side of the Bed to the t'other: for the Liquor wrought so within him, that he could not sleep, as he used to drink, sound for the life of him. Within half an hour after he had lain thus tumbling and tossing, as if he had lain upon Nettles, his Wife went to Bed to him, to rest her after her (indeed) true Labour: But (poor Woman) she found less rest there then in her labour; for he kept such a retching and stretching himself, such a hunching and punching with his Legs and elbows, that she might have lain better at east between two madmen, then by him in that taking. As he lay thus labouring (laden and over laden) with the Liquor he had taken the liquor lay labouring within him for vent; Which though he could very hardly rise to give it handsomely, yet he did his goodwill, and reached out of the Bed for a Pisspot; but in stead of a Pisspot he took a Cullender (that stood close by his Bedside upon a Settle) and kneeling upright in his Bed, let his ill-digested Liquor run as freely into it, and through it, upon his slumbering Wife, as a Conduit-pipe at waste. She presently (feeling herself warm wet) start up and began to brabble with him, and cry shame upon him, for doing such a beastly deed. Why thou Whore (quoth Smug) wilt thou not give me leave to piss? If thou crossest my humour but with two cross words more, I'll break the Pisspot about the pate of thee, therefore be quiet. But for all his threatening, she would not h●ld her tongue; That she kept walking still, till Smugs fists walked about her ears. There was such a sore Battle in the bed between them, as I think never was seen between Bed fellows before; and had not a Candle and a clean pair of Sheets been quickly carried up to part them, there would have been great bloodshed. THO: BREWER. SMUG'S Ghost, When with the Airy Essence sempiterne, You might a Body (now is dust discern) I was of many set by for Mirth: Good Company I loved with all my heart, And like a boon Companion played my part, (It was fore spoken at my hour of Birth.) Heart-eating sorrow ne'er with me remained, While I your shape, as I have said retained, My Cogitations were all Airy light: I ne'er loved Hoarder, nor the hoarding sin, That coin my labour brought me one day in, I spent in pleasure the next day's night. Mad Mr. Peter, and my Red faced Host, My dapper Parson, whom of all I most Entirely loved for his merry vain: And Banks the Miller that poor thin checked knave, That holp to bear my body to the Grave, Were men of mettle, of a perfect strain. These men and I, made up a matchless Crew For merry Meetings, till the ground looked blue▪ we'd sit and send, our soaking Healths about: We'd sometime Thieve together in the dark, To fetch a feast of Venison from the Park, And where we came we made a fearful rout. Then grant my Ghost this, though our bones be rotten, Our Names may live, and never be forgotten. FINIS. Here SMUG the SMITH, with leave of his Host: Doth baffle the Keepers, upon a Signpost. LONDON, Printed for Francis Coles, dwelling in the Old-Baily, 1567.