THE CHARACTER OF A Church- Trimmer.  By Heraclitus his Ghost. Ad Populum Phaleras— 
A CHURCH-TRIMMER is the Beelzebub or Prince of TRIMMERS, the Devil of a Saint, and the Monster of a Man, into the bargain; for he is Twofold all over: He hath not only (Janus-like) two contrary Faces to put on as the Wether serves, but all things else proportionable: He hath two several Tongues ready tuned both ways, a double mind, a pair of Consciences, one with a Belly as big as the Trojan Horse, to swallow Camels with; the other so very straitlaced, that it must strain hard to get down a Gnat or little Punctilio of a Ceremony; and two pair of hands and feet to be All your humble Servants, to address and make legs to All Parties, All Points of the Compass, as well to flatter Monarches, as to court the Mobile or Commons of England, as times will bear, and Trump turns up. It were below his Character to say, He is a mear Volpone in a Sheepskin Doublet, a formal Hypocrite, Holy Cheat, or modern Pharisee; for he is not only more rotten and debauched in his Principles than they All, but worse than any Jew or Jesuit for Morals also. He is a Church-Politico, a Conforming Nonconformist, a Spiritual Juggler, a Mountebank Divine, and loves a Crowd as well as any Cutpurse, for Reasons best known to his own Pocket and Pride, (and who but He to give them measures for their Huzzahs, and their One-and-Alls, as occasion offers) for as he hates Popery with one of his Hearts, so He dotes upon Peterpences and Popularity with the other.  
He is a true Protestant Erastian in point of Government, accounting the longest Sword the strongest Argument, and surest Title: He is as true as Steel to the higher Powers, (be they what they will) so long as they continue such, and are able to protect themselves and Him; which, when they cease to be, they are no longer higher Powers for his Money; you cannot blame him if he shift for himself; when the Wind turns he must steer a quite contrary course, by force as well as choice.  
He pretends to be of the Religion of his Country for Peace-sake, but is really a Sceptic in Point of Faith; for though he is ready to do all things that he is commanded, yet all this while he believes Nothing; or if he do, it is not as the Church, but as the State believes. He is a professed Doctor of the Law of Nature, who will scarce allow a dram of Grace to any one under a Duke; his Councils are the common Sentiments of all Mankind in Parliament assembled in his upper Room; his Fathers, Seneca, Antoninus, Epictetus, Tully, and other ancient Heroes; his Schoolmen, Curcellaeus, Episcopius, Socinus, Crellius, and the rest of that Gang of Heathenish Divines; his dearly beloved Fundamental darling is Self-preservation; for whose sake he hath an universal tenderness for all Sects and Factions, Christian or Infidel; among the Whigs he is a zealous Whig, with the Tories a moderate Tory; and hugs himself in the fancy that he is the very Picture of the old Doctor of the Gentiles, because he becomes all things to all men, that so he may be all means save ONE.  
Would ye know what he was or did in those days when there was no King in Israel? Malice itself could not suspect him to have a King in his Heart in all that time, as became a man of Temper, Prudence, and good Nature. He was true and faithful to all the several new Faces and fresh Broaches of Government (as that Female Hector swore she had been to her seventeen Gallants) though without King, House of Lords, or Commons either; (none but Fools and Sots will suffer and starve, be the Wether never so cold, or times bad.) The man of Salamanca can hardly swear what Orders he was then in, but he was a mighty busy Pulpiteer; he had the Gift (or rather the Art, or Cant) of praying by the Spirit; he prayed aloud for all the several Powers which Providence successively set over us, though all perjured Rebels; (for he was never against the Succession, unless it were in the Right Line.) He preached in a black Cloak and white Gloves, and inveighed bitterly all along against the Roman Missal, and the English Mass-Book, with all their Superstitious Forms and Rites; against Popery and Prelacy alike; for next to Kings, he loved Bishop's worst at that time of the day. His Fingers itched to have a share in the Government then, that he might show his cowardly Prowess in trampling upon a poor Church when it was down; and persecuting a Loyal Clergyman that durst presume to read Common-Prayer under his sanctified Nose; for these and suchlike glorious ends and to show how heartily he espoused the Cause, no doubt he used all laudable means, though I will not say positively that he listed himself Chaplain to some Major General, or other man of Might, or committed Matrimony with a cast Abigail, or genuine offspring of old Holofernes his own Flesh and Blood.  
But the last Game of this Church-Sophister, is his Masterpiece, and worth all the rest; for so soon as ever the Clock struck 1660. and the word was Dieu & mon Droit, and all the Bells and Pulpits rang, I will overturn, overturn, overturn, till he shall come whose Right it is; his Trimmership (in a great Fright) turned Old Cavalier in a moment, like the man that grew Grace in one night: He put on the Face of Loyalty, began to assert Monarchy strenuously, took all Oaths and Tests to bind him to his good behaviour for the future; subscribed the Articles of Religion (as Articles of Peace indeed, but not of Faith) and fell so desperately in love with the Church all of a sudden, as if it had been really his new Mistress; but this was only a Copy of his Countenance; however, finding a new Talon put into his hand, and the old ferment of Ambition working still in his brain, he resolves to be somebody (and not Vicar of Bray still) to make a greater Figure in the Church, that he may be the more able to serve Her a Dogtrick, and betray Her into the Philistines hands, when time shall serve. It was not long before he began to set up a new Church within the old, to cry up Comprehension or Toleration for all Sects, lest he at last should be found intolerable: He insinuated into the great Ministers of Church and State, and presumed to make lists too, of Worthy men and men Worthy; to blacken and defame all Loyal Clericks, and recommend those of his own stamp as the only men of Merit; to cry down the one as men of hot heads, and Popishly inclined, and magnify the other as great Masters of Prudence, Conduct and Moderation; so that the most useful, honest, and able Churchman that will not lick up his spital, must stay for his Reward till the Great day. He esteems all our Church-usages indifferent little Trifles, not to be contended for; prefers one Pipe in the Vestry, before a whole Organ-full at the Belfry: He seldom reads the public Prayers, but Preaches World without end: He hates a Cross in his Heart, and values not the sign thereof in Baptism at a brass Farthing; two Guineas will purchase him to leave it out: He allows no more of a real Presence in the Sacrament, than at his own Table, when (by chance) he eats at home; his Sermons are wisely composed, to treat men of all Religions, only they seem to be more particularly calculated for Turks and Pagans, than professed Christians. In one word, He is the King's humble Servant in the Intervals of Parliament, when He can rule his own Roast without the disturbance of popular Votes; but if he chance to want Money, or Hands or Heads to assist him in Extremities, when Factions grow high and insolent against Him; and threaten the second part to the same Tune of 1641. this true Protestant Trimming Antichrist fairly denies his Master, saying, The King is but one man, but the People of England are very numerous; and what wise man will disoblige and provoke a Multitude? No, I will rather venture and trust His Majesty's wont Clemency, than their known Fury; I have read Matchiavel, and am well aware, that Honesty is not the best Policy, though it be the Fool's Motto, I was never of the losing side, and will save my stake still if I can.  
Here's your Trimmer for you with a Vengeance! you that would know more of his Principles and Ways, must repair to the Reconciling-Office near Peg Trantams, being the halfway House between Heaven and Hell, where he is to be spoken with once every Week; and you are desired to tell him that he must not give Characters of others, if he love them not himself, but that he must expect, some time or other, to meet with a Rowland for his Oliver.   

London, Printed for W. A. in the Year 1683.