speakers addressing a crowd 〈◊〉 … ter Days at hand my 〈…〉 〈…〉 Down 〈…〉 〈◊〉 shall be Mayor or 〈…〉   

THE CHARACTER OF A WHIG, Under Several DENOMINATIONS.  
To which is added, The Reverse, or the Character of a true ENGLISHMAN, in Opposition to the former.  
LONDON, Printed, and are to be Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster. 1700.   

THE CHARACTER Of a Sour, Malcontented WHIG, etc.  
OF all Men living, they are the fittest Persons to delineate their their own Accomplishments; for when a Sour Whig describes a Jesuit, he is drawing his own Picture, and they act as uniformly, as if the Soul of the Ignatian Tribe, did Transmigrate after Death, into the Bodies of that Stickling Party. Contradiction is their Original Sin, the People's Ignorance supports their Cunning, Interest is the Dagon they both Idolise, and give them but Power to their Wills, they'd Bridle all Mankind, and Ride them into Sedition here, and to Hell hereafter. A Sour Whig has more Shift than a Weasel, more Doubling than a Hare, more Shapes than Proteus, changes Colour ofter than a Camaelion, and Mercury may more easily contrive a Manteau for the Moon, that is always Increasing or Decreasing, than any Pen circumscribe this Multifarious Animal in a General Character; and therefore I shall take the Machine into Pieces, and show him in variety of Colours, Shapes and Postures: And first as  

A Busy, Impertinent, Intermeddler in Government: Or,  
AN Empty Politician fit for nothing, but to make a Common-Council Man at Goatham, to Drown the Eel, or Hedge in the Cuckoo. A Sucking Coffee-house Statesman, a Little Great Man of no Business, that wanting Employment of his own, troubles all the World with his Idleness. He is haunted with a Spirit of Government, and wants nothing but a Call into an Office, to show his Rare Qualifications in turning the World Upside Downward. Ingratitude, and Dulness, will for ever be his Character: Which with a Mixture of Confidence sets him up for a Patriot, which in our Modern Phrase, signifies nothing else but a Stickling Disgusted Fop, that thinks he deserves some good place or other, which Heaven and the King knows he is not fit for. He pities the World that has no greater Insight into his Parts, and like the Chynoises, thinks all the World is Blind but himself. He is engaged in a Confederacy with hypocondriac Clubbers, to admire one another, who think they have as much Wit as they want, and more than e'er they will have. He is Eternally Vain, because he is never Thoughtful, and that Vanity makes him fancy himself of an Unfathomable Capacity, as Wine makes the Beggar think himself a Man of Quality. He is a Lump of combustible Ignorance, whom the least Spark of News kindles in a Blaze of Unlikely, and preposterous Conjectures; and then the rest of the Rooks and Daws take Wing, and fill the Town with Incredible Fears, and Invisible Dangers. His Talk is like Benjamin's Mess; five times more than comes to his share. All are Fools that are not of his Opinion, but he esteems him a Man of extraordinary Wisdom that applauds his Conjectures, and puts him upon Laughing at his own Shadow for want of a more Ridiculous Substance. His Religion is but the Visor of his Policy, and whatever Virtue he has, Craft is the Keeper of it. All his Discourses are Obscure and Enigmatical, like the Devils in the Delphic Oracle; you may understand his Words, but never reach his Meaning. The Corruption of Reason was the Generation of his Wits, and the Spirit of Lying and Slandering, is the height of his Improvement. He is a perfect Enemy to Monarchy, for want of an Office, and hates every Courtier, because he is not one of the Number. In short, he is a kind of Sucking Traitor, and the older he grows in his Discontents, the more is the Government endangered, by his Misrepresentations of Public Actions. He creeps by degrees from want of an Employment, to advance a Lawless Liberty; from Petitioning to Remonstrating; from questioning the Power, Wisdom, and Capacity of his Superiors, to seizing the Administration, into the Hands of the Populace. His Maxims in Government are contradictory to Common Sense, and ruinous to the Monarchy. He Asserts the way to make a King Great and Glorious, is to give him no Money; that the means to support Foreign Alliance, is to Impoverish the Exchequer, and the best way to keep the Government upon the Wheels, is to weaken the Axletree; so that the Whigs, and their New Associates, the Jacobites, having been long troubled with the Spirit of Contradiction, the Devil of Nonsense is got among 'em also. Humour them and you Disappoint ' 'em. Every New-fangled Notion, thrusts out a former Exception, and give 'em full possession of what they Ask, and they soon grow weary of the Toy they Whimpered for. They Declaim against Arbitrary Power, and yet Usurp it; against the Prerogative, and erect an Imaginary Power above it; against Grievances, and yet Promote them; against Mismanagements, and yet produce no Instances of their Being. They carry Liberty, and Religion, upon the Tip of their Tongues; but dare swallow neither, for fear they should choke them. They complain against Ill Ministers to colour a Faction against the State, and to Enslave Free Subjects under the Arbitrary Impositions of a prevailing Party; but I fear I have kept them Company too long, and therefore will pay a Visit to   

The Hypocritical Preaching Whigs under every Denomination.  
WHom I will describe in their Educations, Postures, and other topping Qualities, that recommended them to a Deluded People, and raise their F●rtunes in the World. Some of them, whose Abilities could not among Understanding Men, advance them above a Groom, a Porter, or a Thresher, have gained a more comfortable Maintenance (their Port considered) than an Ordinary Bishopric, and all a better Allowance than the generality of the Orthodox Learned Clergy. They are at little or no Expense in their Education. Pretended Gifts supply the Defect of Learning and Knowledge. The latter are the leisurely Effects of Labour, Sweat and Reading; the former are only strong Impulses, and Fortunate Incomes which gives a short Turn upon their Trade of Preaching. A heavy Phlegmatic Blockhead, that could never get Learning enough at School, to enable him to undergo an Examen for Admission into the University, let him have but a strong Aversion to the Labour of a Mechanic, or the Industry of a Tradesman. That is, let him be Damnably Lazy, and enriched with a convenient proportion of Duncery, 'tis a good Call to the great Affair of Holding forth among the Brethren; then let him Board a while at Mr. Alsop's, Mr. Doelittle's, Mr. Meade's, Mr. Cyffin's, Mr. Pen's, and now and then take the Air at the Fanatic Academies of Newington, Croyden, Hammersmith, or Nettlebed: Wear a Black Jump, and his Hair, and Ears, of the Smectymnian Standard, to show him a Divinity Intender; it matters not whether he Read any Authors, Sacred or Profane, provided he takes Notes, or stand Gaping upon a Form, or Stool, to receive a Measure of the Light, that an old Squeaking Tubster is scattering among the Juvenile Fraternity. Let him but Repeat in the Afternoon, till the Pit, Boxes, and Galleries are full, and till he has attained a just Confidence in Speaking in Public, and a Profound, Engaging, and Learned Method in Managing his Postures, Sighs, Groans, and Grimaces. Then up starts the Ah Lard Stripling into the Pulpit, or other Mouthing Place; and tho' he be as Fat as a Porpus, his first Text is, O my Leanness, my Leanness: Or, I am not ashamed of the Gospel; tho' by his Uncouth and Ignorant Managery, the Gospel is ashamed of him. Age, Example, and Practice, improves him in all the Arts of Mimical Gestures, Affected Tones, Shuffling his Cloak; Fingering his Band, Coughing with an Emphasis, Spitting with a Grace, Folding, and Unfolding his Handkerchief according to the Original, and Wiping his Mouth a la mode de Lake Lemain; and now he has gained the Reputation of a Soulsaving, Heaven-gaining, Sin destroying, Hell-confounding, Pious, Precious, Zealous, Painful, Preaching Brother. From these Improvements he at length arrives at the height, and perfection of Mimickry, and gives Laws to all his Inferiors, for a Pedantic Behaviour, in carrying on the Work of the Day, to the Satisfaction of the Beloved Secret Ones.  
The Demureness of his Looks in the Desk, Sanctifies his Incoherent and Heterodox Expositions on the Chapters. When he ascends the Pulpit, and puts on his Praying Face, he Drawls out his Words, as if they wanted Fellows, and must be Hemmed up from ●is Lower Venture, before he could be furnished with a Prologue. Th●● in a Low and scarce Audible Tone, as if the Griping in his Guts had caused a Grumbling in his Gizzard, he s●ys, 
Lard we dare not Open our 〈◊〉,  
And Winks for fear ●f t●lling of ●ies.   
In naming his Text, he turns over as many Leaves in his Bible, as if Chance, or Inspiration must direct him to't; and that he knew not whether the Text wa● in the Old or New Testament, that he must H●ld forth upon. The Text being found, he Leans and Reaches over the Pulpit, as if he would take off the Wigs and Head-Dresses of his Under Auditors, for the easier Entrance of his Doctrine into their Perrioraniums. His one and twenty Points are Tagged with Wry Faces, for want of Reading; his Reasons, with Railing, for want of Argument; and the labour of all his Preachments is chief in the Lungs, and all he made of them himself, was the Faces. His Actions are all Passions, and his Words Interjections. He cajoles his Congregation in Bemoaning and Sainting 'em, and shows his own Parts, in Blowing his Nose with abundance of Discretion. At Application-time, he stands bolt upright; with his Arms on Kembow, like the Ears of an Iron Pot, which makes him look very Magisterially, and fastens the Uses of Reproof in the Sculls of his Auditors, like Hobnails driven into the Posts of a Gallows; then he shifts the Scene into a loud thick clapping of his Hands, which serve to the driving home, and clenching the Farthing Tack of an Argument. After this he stretches himself forward on the Pulpit-Cusheon, made of a Sister's decayed Velvet-Petticoat, which he sometimes Hugs in his Arms, as if he was in a Rapture; then in a Zealous Fury, Thumps the Dust out o'th' Cushion, into his Eyes, which makes him Weep and Wink affectionately, for the Backslidings of the Zealous Party; then falls to contracting and expanding his Arms, as if he had been Swimming, and all to show himself a Painful Preacher. By and by he Weaves from one side o'th' Pulpit to the other, in a Use of Consolation, and contracts the Muscles of his Face, into an Obliging Grin; which raises the Drooping Spirits of his Auditors, into Ecstasies of Joy, and Stomaches to their Dinners. Lastly the Hats of the Congregation being all of a sudden turned a-wry, like Ballad-singers in a Country Fair; but with the open side to the Tubster, lest what goes in at one Ear, should go out at tother, gives you notice the Holder forth is falling into his concluding Prayer; where he Winks, Kneads the Cushion, and is in as many Notes, as a pair of Bagpipes. Sometimes in a deep hollow Grumble, lik●●he noise of a Stone rattling down a Well; … n a loud Stentorophonical Bawl, which is presently raised into a high Scream, upon the Key in which a Nice Lady Squeaks at the sight of a Frog; and by and by a Maudlin sort of a Whine, in which he continues so long, till the Tears drop from his Nose, and he Sweats like a Greasy Hostess in Dog-Days, and would have Brayed longer, if the Clock, and Chimes of his Guts crying Cuboard, had not stopped him.  
This Exercise of his Lungs, and his Auditor's Patience being over, happy is the Man, and more happy his Wife, that can have the Favour of this Heavenly Man's Company at Dinner. In the way home, the Disciple thanks the Good Man for his Pains, commends his Voice, and his Memory, but not a Word of the Sermon: For he slept all the time as sound, as if he had heard a Carnal Dean or Bishop. The Wife sends the Apprentice before, to warm the Towels to Rub him down, and that a Tankard of Sack may be ready to Drench him, for fear his Grease should be Melted. These accustomed Necessariums being ended, the Cropsick Holder-forth approaches the Table, with fear there should not be Food enough; and Reverence to the Mistress of the House, and her Chinse Gown and Petticoat, then blesses the Quaking-pudding, because Esau sold his Birthright for a Mess of Porridge; the Leg of Mutton, because he might pull the Pope's-Eye out; the Shoulder, because David was a Shepherd. The Capon, because Peter was converted by a Cock; and the Custard, because it was a Scape-Goat from the Lord-Mayor's Table. Now he lays out himself sweetly, upon the Creature Comforts, and shows his Abilities in Eating, opposed the Miracle in feeding five Thousand; for if he had been a Guest at that Meal, there would not have been so many Fragments left, as would have Dined a Sparrow.  
From stuffing his Paunch at the Citizens, he returns to air his Lungs, and give himself Breath in an Afternoon's Exercise, where he speaks more with Ease, than a wise Man can hear with Patience. In the Morning he was a Son of Thunder, but for fear of displeasing their Haughtinesses, and losing his own Contribution, he must now be a Son of Consolation; and therefore knowing their Inclinations to Democracy, preaches up Popular Doctrines, such as Baxter and Jenkins begun the Civil-War with: The Liberty and Power of the People, and the Privilege of Rebelling, if ever the Prerogative of the Crown should check the Licentiousness of the Conventicle: For then the Hydra may, in their Opinion, set up against Hercules, and, if possible, fetrer Monarchy itself. By these Preachments the Old Bell-wethers of every Disloyal Flock, from the infamous Title of Traitors were dignified with that of Saints, and wallowed in Wealth and Wickedness. Having thus played the Parasite to a Popular Ambition, he Acts the same part as a Preacher, and has a Salve for every Sore, and an Excuse for every Sin, till none at all is to be found among his own Peaple; and if any of them should complain, he has Crumbs of Comfort for the Hungry; Sips of Sweetness for the Thirsty; Crutches for the Weary; Porter's-Blocks for the Heavy Laden; Apples of Gold for the Poor; Iron Chests for the Rich; High Heeled Shoes for Dwarves in Duty, and a thousand other Knick Knacks to seduce the Easy and Ignorant Multitude; and therefore they seldom or never apply to their Hearers Reasons, but to their Humours and Fancies; and instead of taking pains to enable themselves to Speak Sense, for the improvement of the Understandings of their Congregations, (which good end, if attained, would put their Craft in danger to be set at nought) they take the readier way of Addressing to their Passions and Tempers, and thereby rendering themselves Masters of their Weaknesses, and lesser Inclinatious, they secure an Implicit approbation of their Words and Actions; and when this is once achieved, the poor Disciple is miserably Ridden into all Incoveniences. Nothing must be too good for the Men of Cap, Cloak and Handchercheif o'er the Band. If he's Cropsick, out comes the Rich Jellies, Dried Sweetmeats, Cordial-Waters, and the Lady Moor's Drops, to supply the place of the Bitter Draught, Cow Piss, or a Pepper Posset; besides, something must be laid down in hand for Entrance, a constant Rent for a Pew, Provision for often Visits of the demure zealous Canters, who must never be dismissed empty Bellied, nor empty Handed, for fear he should shake the Dust off his Feet, and leave a Curse behind him. From hence the Senior Soph adjourns to some other Rich Members of the Faction, where his first Salutation is, Peace to this House, but is sure to raise a War in the Family before his departure, that may gain him the opportunity of another Visit, a Privy Purse; and a large stuffing his Paunch to Reconcile them. To these may be added, Repeated Contributions to Itenerate Apostles, that want Booths to hold forth in; and what is more than all this, the continual Draining on the Wife's part: So that a Wealthy Disciple, that is duly qualified with a zealous silly Wife, is a good Farm to a Cunning, Canting Tubster.  
His Conversation in mixed Company is, Railing against the Episcopal Clergy, as Papists in Masquerade. Against Human Learning in Sermons; and highly commends (what is truly) the Foolishness of Preaching. A significant Ceremony frights him into a Frenzy; a Discourse of Order and Decency is a Mark of the Beast, and turns him Topsy Turvy; and rather than not be Singular, if other Men go to Heaven upon their Feet, he'll (for Contradiction sake) take the other way upon his Head. He loves none of the Prelates but Bishop Fox, whom he Applauds for writing his Book of Martyrs; but more for his Discretion in keeping himself from being one of the Number of those that suffered the Pains and Perils of Fire and Faggot. Simulation, is his Sanctity; Gain, is his Godliness; and all his Actions are governed by a kind of Political Wisdom, abstracted from the Rules of Conscience and Religion. In short, he seems one of the holiest Men Heavenward that you can meet with, but the Illest Man among his Neighbours in the whole Parish. A Reverence is due to the very appearance of Piety; but whenever we find this Holy Man to Godward, to be no better than Ferg— n, a Juggling Knave, among Mankind, that's the very Hypocrite we find Stigmatised among the Scribes and Pharisees in the Gospel; and as such we'll leave him to take a view of   

The Factious, Seditious, Illiterate Whig Lawyer.  
WHo came to Town recommended from the Scattered Churches of the Whigs in Hibernia, Equipt in a kind of Kent-street Mourning. A Frize-Coat, as tattered as a He-Goat. A Hat well Blocked, but scarce half a Crown to it. His Doublet and Breeches so alike, that a Dark Morning was enough to make him mistake the one for the other. His Stockens without Feet, like a Chandler's drawing Sleeves, and he durst not trust them off his Legs, for fear of Crawling from him; and in short from Head to Heel, was a thing made up of so many several Parishes, that you'd have taken him at first sight for a Frontispiece of the Resurrection, and enquired of him, how the Whigs were disposed of in the other World; but a Collection, and his Uncle's Charity having Rig'd him into Christian Shape, and a small charge in pounding Tobacco-Pipes, and mixing them with the Juice of Lemons, and Fullers-Earth, to take out the Stains of his Wild-Irish Education, he soon brisked up into a Confident Thing, as like a Man as a Boyish Bog-Trotter could arrive to. His early Pretences to Zeal, Ignorance, and Nonconformity, show he sucked in the Principles of Sedition with his Mother's Milk, and that in him were all the Seeds of Mischief, only they wanted forming; and therefore it was soon resolved upon the Question, that having all the Requisite Qualifications of Lelap●: Snarling at the Poor, Fawning on the Rich, and Glavering with all he could but get a Mouldy-Crust by, he ought to be hewed out into Log called a Lawyer; which being primed with Impudence, and gilded with Hypocrisy, might in time be a Pillar to support the Whigs sinking Cause, and raise it to the height of Forty One, to Forty Eight. To accomplish this End having already the Gifts of a Whig, and the Graces of the Leviathan, he never gave himself the trouble of Studying the Liberal Arts, to qualify himself for a Man of Sense; but for want of Learning entitles himself a Man of Business. He never drudged Seven cold Winters, and as many sweaty Summers, in reading the Statutes, collecting Reports, digesting Cooke's Institutes, and forming Common-Place Books; but entered at the Backdoor of an Attorney's Clerk, to set up for a Counsellor. He put his Name, 'tis true, in the Burtery-Books of the Temple, but with a Resolution never to trouble the Society, with Mooting Cases, Dancing in Masquerade, Revelling at Christmas; or so much as Eating a Commons in the Hall; but as a shorter cut to cheat the World, Pinioned himself like a Gizzard under the Wing of an Experienced Pettifogger of the Party, where he learned more of the Litigious part of the Law in a Year, than he could have done without the help of such a Tutor, by studying in the Inns of Court, or Chancery all his Life time. By this Arsward Method he was able to walk without a Goe-Cart, or the help of Leading-strings; and was more expert in Holding a Candle to the Devil, than those that have studied the Point with more remarkable Austerities: And no wonder, for all these kind of Whigs manage themselves by Trick and Confederacy, and have a nearer way to Ruin the World, than all the rest of Mankind. The Vogue of being a Conventicler, gives a greater Reputation to any Lawless Professer, among the Party, than Seven Years Study in a University: For being Litigious in their Natures, as well as Practices, no thing is ever thought to be well said, or done, till it is stamped with the Opinion of an Almighty-Headed Dul-man. As ill used the Study of the Law is no Liberal Science; but a mere Mechanical Mystery, introduced into the World, as one of the great Grievances of Mankind; attained without Speculation of the Understanding, or the Assistance of an illuminated Genius, but is a mere Heap and Chaos of undigested Forms and Fallacies, practised to squeeze Money out of Litigious Fools, to fatten a Crew of Miserly Muckworms, of which our new Law-Intruer is a Precedent.  
Sighing at a Conventicle, having Coughed him into a Vessel of Grace, and taking Notes at Dicks, or the Grecian Coffeehouse, having Earmarked him for an Antimonarchist, which are the only Testimonials to Recommend a Confident Opiniatre to the Practice of the Law, and make him Pass Mnstre, among the Holy Brethren. This Nitt of the Law, soon swells himself into an Elephant in his own Conceit, and tho' he knows not the difference between the Nodder and the Noddee, Nor a Deed in Tail, from a Declaration of Ejectment, yet by Learning a little Fanatic Address, a Busy look, and a Starched Behaviour, he grows as Demure and Dull as a Recorder, and wants nothing but a Barr-Gown, to Cheat the World cum Privilegio. A Friend being made to the Approbator, who greasing him in the Fist, gets his Hand to a Testimonial of the Block-head's Sufficiency; and by promising his great Acquaintance among the Quarrelsome Whigs, would bring many good Grists to the Mill at West minster, he is called to the Bar, and passes among the Crowed by an Authentic Transmigration, from an Illiterate Pettifogger, to be called a Councillor learned in the Law. The First News of his Dignity is published among the Sisterhood, who Simper at his Preferment, in hopes to lick their Lips in a Bowl of Beveridge, to Handsel his cast Gown and Cap, and to wish him good luck at the next Goal Delivery: Whilst the Bastard Son of Parchment struts among the Women, like the Major Domo, of the Turkish Seraglio. Every Street, Lane and Alley in the City, receives his Visits with his Gown on, and his great Business there, is but to show it. If he has a Companion in his Walk, he makes as much Noise with Clattering out Law, as an Inceptor in his Slap Golochia's. Instead of turning over Books in his Study, he exercisies his Gifts on his Bed-maker, and Commits Fornication with the Dust of his Chamber, to gain her good Word for an Able Practitioner. He Traverses the Walks of the Temple, more duly than a Penny-less Alsation, and on the same Errand too, to see who will show their good breeding in Inviting him to Dinner, but is often disappointed. To force a Trade, he once bought a Sheep's- Head, Horns and all, of a Butcher, for for his Sunday's Dinner, and desired him to give him a Receipt for the dressing of it; which while the Butcher was Dictating, a Dog runs away with his Staring Quarter of Mutton; and the Mob crying out, Lawyer, Lawyer, the Dog has stolen your Sheep's-Head; and he seeing him so far Eloped, that he could not Attack the Criminal, and have his Body in Arcta Custodia, to appear next Term Coram. Dom. Reg. apud Westmonasteriensis, he said, let him go like a Foolish Cur as he is, 'twill do him no good, for I have the Receipt, and he knows not how to dress it; besides I have a good Action at Law against his Master, of Trover and Conversion, by which I shall gain Costs of Suit, and Triple Damages. Many Terms together he Trudged to Westminster, without any Cause for his going thither, unless to see and be seen among the Monkeys and Lap-Dogs, and Walking-Trees, that come thither to be sold, as he to be Hired for a Rat-catcher. But this not succeeding, a more hopeful Stratagem enters his Lawless Perricranium, and he immediately puts it in Execution. He frequents Conventicles and Lecture Sermons Devoutly, makes an Interest among Attorneys, Solicitors, and that Herd of filthy Swine that the Devil entered into; and the Crawling Vermin, worse than all the Plauges of Egypt, Splitters of Causes, and Affidavit Devils, that make no more of Swearing upon the Holy Bible, than of laying their Lips upon Renald the Fox, or the Seven Wise Masters. For these Vipers never sting one anather, tho' they gnaw their way in toth' World, through their Dam's Bellies. This Confederacy, and giving Attorneys leave to make use of his Name, when they wanted a Counsel's hand without a Fee, as they often do, and letting them go Snips in all the Fees they bring him, quickly brought him into Vogue, especially among their own Party, who always Measure Right and Wrong, by their Interests; like the Turks, they call every thing good or bad, by the Success that attends it, and every Man a Proficient in his Art, that Boggles not at doing any thing they would have him: In which our Lurcher has as considerable Qualifications, as any Lawyer in Kent or Christendom. That which prevents many honest Men from being Lawyers, viz. a Scrupulous Conscience, and an inflexible Honesty, never hinders him, for he carries no such things about him. His Soul is mere Sense, and as he has no knowledge of Virtue, so while he is engaged among the malcontented Whigs, he has no occasion to make use of it. He has a Brass Towel, and a Steel Countenance, and never wants so much Patience in his Green Bag, as to be discouraged at any Undertaking, and never cares whether a Cause be Good or Bad, so there is but money to be got by it. He is a sworn Enemy to Arbitrators and Umpires, and the words Peace or Agreement, he looks upon as Apocryphal, and aught to be torn from our Bibles, and Strife and Contention inserted in their places. He has a kind of a Seafaring Conscience, that Sleeps more quietly in Hurricanes, Storms and Tempests, than in a Popular Peace and Tranquillity.  
These Qualifications and Advantages Records him a Saint in the Whiggish Calendar, tho', in truth, he is nothing but a Fiend with a Glory about his head, to dazzle the Eyes of a Bifarious Mobile, tho' it answers the Design, increases his Practice, multiplies his Clients, and fills his Empty Pockets. The First day of the Term finds him Trotting on Foot to Westminster, in a Dagled Gown, a Dangling Wig, Papers in his Hand, a Bag under his Arm; and a Cluster of Dirty Country Clients, like Burrs Sticking to the Rump of our Paris Garden Pleader. In addressing to the Bar; he bids an Eternal farewell to his Modesty and Conscience, as Starving Notions, next door Neighbours to Beggary, and supplies those Vacancies, with Confounded Jargon, Billingsgate Rhetoric, and a large Stock of Impudence. His Prologue to the Farce, is, May it please your Lordships, and you Gentlemen of the Jury, for want of a better, I am of Conncel for the Plaintiff A, in an Action of Assault and Battery: Setting forth that the Defendant B, Simul cum C. D. E. F. G. with Swords, Staves and Knives, Wounded, Hurt and Maimed us, in a Principal Member of our Body, Anglice our little Finger, and put us in danger of our Lives, and hopes of a Hundred Pound Damages. This my Lord, we could have proved Temp. praecur, by Twenty Witnesses, Bon. et Legal. Hom. But Nineteen of 'em being Dead, or knowing nothing of the matter, we shall Trouble the Court but with one. Cryar, call Mr. Bartholemew Brass Girdle, Inholder, Anglice an Alehouse Keeper, where the Quarrel began with Ale, and Ale would have ended it, if the dextrous Management of the Country Common-barrator, had not brought it in a Cloak Bag behind him to London.  
Another Artifice to bring more Game into the Net, is, by Clubbing with a Non Con Holder-Forth, and taking a House between them conjunctim et Seperatim, with a Convenient Room next the Street to Pray in, which Tolls in Disciples to the Tubster, and Clients to the Lawyer. Simeon and Levi, now join Hand in Hand, to promote each others Interests. Law Stalks for the advantage of Non Conformity, the Directory Sets for the benefit of Cook upon Littleton, and both like Monkeys, crush their Foundlings into nothing, by Hugging and Embracing them in the Arms of Flattery. Popularity is always the Nurse of Self Designs, and our brace of Beagles, being Masters in that Art of Dolt catching, they pursue it with all manner of Craft and Industry. In Vacation time, when their Bellies and the Town are Empty, these narrow Soul'd Wretches make frequent Visits among the Whigs, to save charges at home; for they keep a House would starve a Cat, and the Rats and Mice have deserted it, and taken Sanctuary in the Church to mend their Quarters. Now they set up for Peacemakers, and reconcile all Differences and Disputes among those that have no Money, at the Price of a Supper for themselves, at the Expense of both Parties. If a wealthy Whig be sick, the Holder-forth goes to visit him, and being paid for Groaning by his Bed side, persuades the Decumbent to send for our Whig-Lawyer, to make his Will, and set his House out of Order, which he'll be sure to do, to all Intents and Purposes; by making so many Ambiguous Clauses, and dubious Provisoes in the Will, as, after the Testator's decease, shall make his Relations spend the Fee-Simple in Quarrelling about the Title, and consume their Legacies in Suits with the Executors, where our Man of Law is sure to be of One, if not both sides, because the Belphogor that raised the Devil is the fittest to Lay him. In making the Testament, he is obliged in Gratitude to put down Five Pounds for a Funeral Sermon, no matter whether the Sick-man desires it, or not, 'tis but skipping that Paragraph when he reads it over; and by these underhand Arts they Claw and Cram one another, in the Language of an Old Fanatic Poet: 
One Good Turn another Eeches,  
Mend my Coat, I'll Patch thy Breeches.  And that every Whig-Bird may have the plucking off of some Feathers from this languishing Fowl, towards making himself a Nest, the Medicaster Nomlas must now be sent for, with his Rosy crucian Pantarva's, and then Consummatum est; you may write upon the Dying-man's Door, Lord have mercy upon him.  
Thus the Whigs engrossing all the Arts of Money-catching among themselves, our Lawyer is soon grown Rich and Opulent, and so Stiff and Proud, that he'd take it for an Affront that the Most Christian King should call him Cousin.  
By this time he has purchased himself a Countryseat, which he ne'er intends to pay for, and Tuckled himself to a Wife, an Attorny's Daughter, that he bred up himself by hand to make her fit for his Humour, which is as Cross and Peevish, as ill Nature can make him. Among his Country-Neighbours he Reigns with more Cruelty than Nero at Rome, and the least Offence that is given him, or his Doxy Sara, Ruins whole Families. If a Horse commits a Trespass, but one half hour, upon his Premises, the Price of a Writ, and a London Journey on the Beast must commure for the Damages, with many Hats and Scrapes, and God bless his Worship into the bargain. If a Cow does but look o'er his Hedge, a Quarter of her Fat Calf, and the charge of a Latitat ad Respondend A Predict, in Placit Transgress, must compound for the Offence, or Take him Jailor. The Country Wives so dread his Tyranny, that they Sew Shoes, on their Poultries' Feet, for fear the Grim Sir, should commence a Suit against their Husband, for their Geese going Barefoot, and wish that Term time might last all the Year, since they can have no quiet but in his Absence, but are forced to Worship him as the Indians do the Devil, because he should not Devour them. But of all in the Vicinage, within the Reach of his Power, the Vicar of the Parish, is sure to feel the weight of this Parchment Squires Displeasure, tho' the Poor Ecclesiastic present him with more Tithe Pigs and Geese, than he can afford to eat in his family, to purchase his own Peace and Quietness. However, his Innate Aversion to an Orthodox Clergyman, and a Man of Sense and of a Genercus Education, will not suffer him him to be Just, nor Civil to a Man of that Character; and therefore disparages the Vicar's Preaching, tho' he never came to hear him, and teaches his Parishioners how to defraud him of his deuce by Tricks and Quarks in Law, to support an Interloping Seditious Canter; but he is stole up to the Term in a Stage Coach, and thither I must follow him, for being long since made a Knight, for being a Tool in the hands of a Duke, to revenge his quarrel on an Innocent Neighbouring Gentlem●n, and now growing near hi●●…nd; 'tis time for him, one would think, to lay aside halting between Attorney and Council to vex the World, for if he consult his Honour or Fame, 'tis hoped he will amend, and make Restitution to those he has injured causelessly; especially since having Ruined many Families, and sent Innocent Children a Begging; the Curse is fallen upon himself, and his own, and that which was got o'er the Devils back by the Father, is in a fair way of being Pissed against the Wall, or spent under a Whore's belly, by his two Ungracious Sons, that are become the greatest Rakes and Debauches in the World, and not fit to be named where Virtue has a being; but instead of repenting, the Old Ape grows worse and worse; spends his time in watching his Wife, his Money, and the Cupboard; is Retained in every Cause, only, to Annay the Enemy, perplex the Cause, and confound the Court with Noise and Nonsense; and let him enjoy his Humour in adding Oppression to Covetousness, Violence to Injury, Impenitence to Wickedness, while he Lives; and then he needs not grudge to go to the Devil when he Dies; and so Farewell Old Istra Daukes, and Levol Duncery.   

A Bold, Treacherous, Whig Attorney.  
IS an Animal descended from the Plough Tail, swept out o'th' Shop, or kicked from a Justice of the Peace's, or Lawyer's Clerk into Gentleman, to scandalise the Profession of honest and fair Practising Attorneys: Monstrum horrendum informe ingens cui lumen adeptum. A Writing-School is the height of his Education: Latin is his utter Aversion, and therefore cuts it off in the middle, for fear it should accuse him of breaking Priscian's Head, and crack his own Credit in the Country, where for want of being a Scholar, he has taken great pains to make them believe he is one. Frequenting Conventicles has made him bold and saucy. His demure Looks initiated him into the acquaintance of Precisions, and writing Bills, Bonds and Acquittancs from Precedents at the fag end of an Almanac, has made him impudent enough, tho' but a Pen-feathered Prig, to call himself an Attorney, and to eat the Bread and Cheese out of Practitioner's mouths, that are Regularly Qualified for that Employment. He began to look toward the Law, by Soliciting for Criminals at the Quarter Sessions, where the favour of his Master Justice, who went suips in his Fees, gave him the Reputation of a Man of Knowledge. Thence like a Butterfly Adulterated into a Maggot, he became an Attorney in Wapentake, Leete, and Hundred Courts, and at last by employing an able Entering Clerk, commences an Attorney at large, without being able to Read a Writ, or distingdish a common Process from an Execution: And the People always favouring every Limping Professor of their own Creation, he is sooner employed than a Clerk fit for his Business. He has little more in him than Garbage, and the Shape of a Man, and when you have beheld his Leather- Ears and Shabby Outside, you have seen him through, and need employ your Discovery no farther. His Reason is merely Whig Example, and his Actions are not guided by his Understanding; but he sees what other Men of the fame Cut do, and 'tis his whole Business to imitate them. The chief Burden of his Brain, is the Whiggish Carriage of his Body, and setting his Face in a Frame of Nonconformiry, advances his Renown among the Crop-eared Brethren of Bands and Bugle-Cuffs, who will go to Law with their Fathers, rather than this Mushroom Brother of the Quill shall be destitute of Employment. Among Knowing Attorneys, he looks a Tripe-Man's Asss, loaded with Offal and Excrements; but among the Vulgar Try, like a Sage Common-Counsellor. All his Discourses are Maxims in Law, and Definitive Decrees, with a Thus it is, and thus it must be; but will never humble his Authority to give a Reason for it, unless he stumbles on a Text to his purpose, and then he proves it by Dint of Scripture. Al● his Words are Hebrew Characters; if he says he will do any thing for you, it is as much as if he had Sworn he would not, and you must always Spell him backward before you can Read him. He has neither the Theory, nor Practice of the Law; but his own Villainous Arts excepted is wholly steered by the Compass of his Entring-Clerk: He is at best but two steps above a Fool; a great many below a Wise and Honest Man, but the Fanatic Knave has predominancy over all his other Faculties; and so he is less dangerous in the appearance of a Devil than a Saint. If he says he Loves you, be sure he hates you; for he has the Art of Laughing in your Face, whilst he is designing to cut your Throat with a Feather. All that are so weak as to trust him, he is sure to betray them; will spoil a good Cause by his Treacherous Management, and Sell the best Client he has to his Adversary, when he has made the most of him. In London he frequents all the Seditious Coffeehouses to find out Quarrels, or make 'em, and at the Price of a Penny gains a Pound in setting Friends at Variance, and under pretence of knowing something of the matter himself, or having managed the like Cause for another, first kindles the Coal into a Blaze, and then gets Money on both sides to quench it. A Conventicle is his Exchange, where he hears the News of who is at Law, and there he employs his and the Devils Brokers, Solicitors and Splitters, to keep up the Market of Quarrels at Common-Law, till he can bring the Litigious Fools into Chancery, and be the Factor to sell both the Parcels by Commission at the Price of Who bids most by an Inch of Candle. The Mayors and Sheriffs Courts, and the Marshalsea, are his lesser Mints, for Coining Causes of Actions, where he Squeezes his Client for a while, and then by a Writ of Habe as, removeth Corpus to the Jail and Causa to be new Alloyed by a Melius Inquirendum at the Melting-house at Westminster. He knows nothing but the Guts and Quirks of the Law, and in that is so great a Proficient, that he seldom fails of Success, for where he cannot Snap the Adverse Attorney, he supplies all the Defects by Repeated Affidavits, and prolonging Suits by these Tricks and Shifts, at last makes them ready for Arbitration, where a Shoulder of Mutton and a Capon, and some Nasty Red, buries a Cause in an Hour, that if the Clients had not been quite exhausted, might have lived seven Years longer, and run another Wild-Goose Chace through all the Courts in London, Southwark, and Westminster, by the Dextrous Management of our Upstart, Ignorant, Knavish Attorney. In the Country a Conventicle is his Chemical Elabaratory, where from Calves-Brains, and the Gall of Dissenters Spleens, steeped in the Sour Milk of the Miss applied word, he extracts Aurum Potabile and Edibile, which fixed in his Pockets, serves for all other purposes. Here he takes Notes from the Holder-forth against the Bishops, and Fees from the Auditors to cheat the Parsons of their great Tithes, and the Vicars of their Grunting Offerings, to Thatch the Boor's heads with Bob Wigs, and Ring the Sister Married Sows on their Thumbs, and the yet Unexercised Shoates on their Middle Fingers. Like Pick Pockets, he haunts all the Markets and Fairs in the Country to get a Prize; and if his other Gins and Lime Twigs, does not catch the Woodcocks by day light, at night he makes 'em Drunk, and sets them a fight to create Actions of Battery, and so gets double Fees, as Witness and Prosecutor, and when he has Wracked 'em sufficiently himself, turns 'em over to the Lawyer for Execution. Two Desks and a Choir of Paper set him up. Sighing and Dissembling in a Conventicle got him Practice; and he laughed at their Credulity in his Closet. Strife and Wrangling made him Rich, and he is thankful to his Benefactors by Cherishing them. His business would never give him time to cast away a thought upon his Conscience; therefore as he has lived by Cheating Men, now approaching towards the Grave, he intends to Cheat the Devil also; for having Early given him his Soul to assist him in getting Money, he he has now disposed of it by Will another way, without relation had to the Prior Grant, and says, if the Devil should make his Claim at Doomsday and Recover, he had yet a Trick left to Reverse Judgement, but whether 'twill hold or not I much Question, and know not how to send to have Mr. Sim's Opinion in it, who by this time is able to resolve the doubt infallibly. There is still more filth in this Dung Cart, which I dare not stir, for fear of Infecting the Air, and poisoning Mankind; and therefore all I shall adventure on at present, is, to tell my Reader in Sober sadness, that the Practices of such Lawyers and Attorneys, as I have been describing of, are so foul, and their Numbers so many, that in the Opinion of all sober Men, they are become Nuisances, and Plagues of England.   

The Juggling Whig Physician  
IS a something made of every thing, and signifies nothing; for let a Wretch be never so Miserable, his Birth never so mean, his Fortune never so Low, his Person never so despicable, and his Parts never so Contemptible, and the Senseless Creature scarce worth any thing on this side Hanging; yet among some sort of Men or other, he passes Muster for a good Physician, which lays and Indelible Blot upon the more Judicious, when they are commended by comparison; but this is not the insignificant centure of the Vulgar only, for the Universities also have but mean opinions of this sort of Amphibious Animals. When their Students Merits will not entitle them to an Election among the Learned Tribes of Mathematicians, Astronomers, Divines, Civilians, nor Musicians, their Tutors Reprobate them to the Study of Physic: To have business at Bedsides, to Converse with Close-stool-pans', and Urinals, and to live and Thrive by other People's Sickness; so it is abroad in the World, if a Farrier is too great a Dunce to live by his Blooding Stick, Drenching-Horn, and taking out the Soles of Foundered Horses; let him but lay aside his Leathern Apron, put on a Plush Coat, talk of Acids and Alkaly's, tell the Men they are troubled with the Spleen, and the Women with the Vapours, tho' he employs no other Medicines for the Cure of them, than he did for his Horse Patients, yet he's soon called an Incomparable Physician, whose success answers his Celebrated Judgement; and if to this Example, we add the Number of decayed Gentlemen, Lame Surgeons, broken Apothecaries, Confident Mechanics, Seventh Sons, Strawling Mountebanks, Licenced Quacks, Sharking Empirics, Pox Pretenders, with all the goodly Gang of Midwives, and Skilful Women, one would be tempted to think 'twas unnenessary to study that Faculty, and that the whole pretence is a Cheat, since all Man and Womankind were Fools enough to make Physicians. Their Names you see are Legion, and since it would be the Works of an age, to describe all the Pretenders; I shall only account for the Heads of the Herd, and bequeath the Hides of the rest to the Tanner; and first I will single out,   

The University Toping Whig Physician.  
WHO having the Annuity of a Younger Brother, and but the Learning of an Elder, a Latudinarian in his Life, and at best a Septick in Religion; finding his Income would not answer his Expenses, he resolves upon espousing some Employment; and being told by his Tutor, that the Practice of Physic was the easiest, and oftentimes the most Advantageous, for the use he intended it. Our Gentleman immediately sets his Face towards the Physic Garden, and by taking a Turn there now and then, with an Herbal in one Hand, and a Woman in the other, he soon Commences a Botanist. His next Step is to the Anatomy Lecture, where he has the Patience to hear all, and the good Nature to carry away nothing, but what he brought with him, Confidence and Ignorance, a Torn Gown to show his Standing, and Money in his Pocket to treat the Reader at the Tavern, to show his Understanding. From the Tavern he returns to his College, and covers the Table in his Study, with Galen, Hypocrates and Aristotle, for the sake of his Problems. Next in order, are laid open Veslingus Bartholinus and Riolanus, and Contemplating a while upon the Naked Gentlefolks, goes to sleep upon his Couch to improve his Contemplations, and thence to Barnwel to put his Notions into Practice; where an unhappy accident, produced a good Effect, made him experience a Cure upon himself, before he practised upon others; and gave him a greater opportunity of Reading, than ever he allowed himself before, since he saw the University; being emancipated from the Surgeons hands, and at Liberty, all his Discourses smell of the Galley Pot, and his Chamber converted into a Slaughter-House of Dogs and Cats, to improve himself in Anatomy, and give him the Name of a Student in Physic! Never did Man take a degree to lesser purpose, for he was Doctor without the Charge of the Shame Dignity, and it added nothing to the Credit of his Learning afterward.  
From Cambridge he removes to a City or Market Town, and with a Degree upon his Back, sets up for kill Men, Women, and Children, Secundem Artem, and makes his practice a Confirmation of the Hebrew Idiom, where the same Word signifies Physicians, and dead Men, and were no way beneficial to the public, but by Usurping the Office of the Plague, War, or Famine, in ridding the Nation of its Infectious Inhabitants. Physician's time out of mind were all accounted Beasts by Degeneration, if St. Luke, and a few others, had not been exceptions from that general Rule, and to wipe out the reproach of Atheism, our Mr. Doctor, being no further from an Atheist, than from himself, saw a Necessity of Engaging in a Party, and making a Show of Religion to advance his Interest, but where to fix was the Question. The Church of England party, he knew were for the Learned in all Professions, and there his Cake was Dowe; but knowing the Whigs were all styles, and Props to another, and that the Skin of an Atheist was as fit for the Shoulders of a Fanatic, as if it were made for him, it soon determined his choice, and now fall down Atheist, Rise up Nonconformist, till he is able to reassume his proper Character. That is, till he has made his Fortune, and is so much above the World, that he can scorn and Laugh at all below him. Hypoorisy is now his Theme, and, with the help of the Devil and his Agents he soon acquires perfection in it, and Mimics a Precisian as exactly, as if Ferguson had been his Father, a Jesuit his Grandsire, his Mother a Quaker, and all his Relations Independents. He patiently bears the Reproofs of the Female Sex, when they bring him Patients, and promises Reformations. If a Sister tells him she here's he's a Great drinker, he answers he is of a Hot Constitution, and very Thirsty, but for time to come, he'd drink Water with his Wine, to allay the Scandal. If another repimands him for being a continual , he says (with some Emotion) he'll go home and burn all his Pipes and Tobacco. If his Cravat be a Size too Long, there's enough o'th' own to make it Shorter, and so banters, befools, and humours them both at once, and sets them a Gossipping from House to House, to cry up the Skill of their New Convert, and Pump Guineas into his Pocket, till they have made him as Proud as Lucifer, as Salacious as a Pampered Cardinal, and as Insolent as a Bawd in a Brandy Shop.   

The Decayed Gentleman Whig Physician.  
HAving Squandered away his Patrimony, and wearied out his Relations and Acquaintance, by thrusting in his Elbows at the lower end of their Tables, and borrowing Money out of their Pockets, finding his Hawk, his Gun, and his Setting-Dog, the Inheritance of Spend thrifts, and younger Brothers, will no longer maintain him, he gins to Study the nearest way of making others greater Fools than himself, and having long hung in the balance of several Opinions, without throwing his whole self into either Scale, at last resolves to be a Whig in General, so that no party shall call him absolutely their own, and yet all live in hopes of his Conversion, from a Sharking Rake into a Dissembling Hypocritical Reformist. Having gained this Point, in being thought a Whig in General, and seeing himself that the World had Cashiered him as a Needy, Troublesome Intruder, now clased again in a more hopeful Predicament, like a Man a Drowning, fastens upon any thing next at hand; and among other of his Shipwrecked Qualities, having happily lost Shame and common Modesty, he borrows a Shillings of his Brother's Footmen, buys him a Urinal, and with a few unintellible Receipts, found after her Death in his Grandmothers Closet, among other precious Receipts of Distilling, Chirurgery, and Cookery, he sets up for an Emperical Physician, and stumbling on a Cure by chance, or being by, when beneficial. Nature relieved herself, he was Slander as the Agent, and immediately gets the Reputation of an Excellent Physician; and all sorts of Whigs cry him up, in hopes at last he will espouse their Interest, and credit their Barn with the Company of a Doctor.  
Now he thumbs Culpeper's English Physician, and his London Dispensatory, and having retrieved as much Latin as will compound a Bill for a Purge or Vomit, that names him as Learned, as if he had been a Member of the College, or had bought a Degree of Doctor at Leiden, or Mentpelier. He is a very vain Creature, but above all things hates to be thought so, though from Head to Heel he is his own Crier, and makes Proclamation of it. The Professors of all other Crafts, are commended, or decried, by a veritable Character; but Physicians are safe under every Denomination; for the Good please some, the Bad others, and the Worst have their Admirers. The Doctrine of Fate and Predestination, is his great Assylum, for when with his Inartificial Slaps and Emperical Nostrums, he has emptied his Patient's Pockets, and exhausted his Vital Spirits, he leaves him Gasping, saying, His Time is come, God will have it so, cover him up, and send for the Parson to give him his Viaticum.   

The Mechanic, or Scoundrel Whig Physician  
IS a mixture of Broken Tradesman, Decayed Servingman, and Discarded Horstler; Party per pale Black Coat, and Blue Apron, who from curing Cut-Fingers, Kib'd Heels, or from administering Tobacco Clysters to cure Horses of the Bottes, falls to practising upon Men, to get the Women new Husbands, and upon Women to recruit their Husband's crazy Credit, with another Marriake Portion; and in this kind of Piking both Sexes o'er the Perch, succeeds so luckily, that he soon arrives at the Honour of being called a Physician. He has no Learning, can scarce write his Name, but is well stocked with what serves his Purpose better, Invincible Ignorance and Impudence, for which he is indebted neither to Men nor Books, for they were Born with him, and he has only fortified them by Use and Custom, and so there is as much difference between what he appears, and what he is, as between a Hot Whore in a Vizard Mask, and a Natural and well-tempered Beauty. However he has his Excellency, and that is in Holding forth sometimes in a Conventicle, and especially in conjuring with a Urinal, and shaking it into a wonderful Discovery of the Patient's Distemper; when all experienced Men in Physic know, that this Pretence is a common Cheat, and no certainty at all to be gathered from it, tho' you glare in the Pisspot till you are blinded with the Steem of it; and yet so abominably fond are the deluded Mob of these Proceed, that instead of communicating their Diseases to the Doctor by an Intelligible Messenger, or Writing, they Piss their Minds in their Water, and hazard their Lives on an Ambiguous Answer, which he Pumped from, and returns back by her that brought it.  
In this Cheating Bubbling Trade, our Mechanic by his Pump, Screw, and Knavish Arts of Confederacy, has gained more Credit than is due to such an Illiterate Ass, who by peeping in the Urinal, presumes to tell you whether a Holy Sister be gravidated, the Sex in the Womb, who got it, the Parties Name, the place where she lives, and even what Religion she is of, with other Secret Diseases belonging to Women, not fit to be mentioned but in their Bedchamber. If you send your Urinal to this Piss Prophet, you must resolve to be sick, for he'll ne'er leave handling it, till he has shaked it into a Disease. If he visit a Patient, he tells him his Distemper will be Nothing, and at the same time tells all his Relations, he cannot escape without a Miracle; so that if the Patient recover, after the Urinal-Jugler has sentenced him to Death, 'tis imputed to his powerful Remedies, and if he Dies, it cries up the excellency of his Judgement in Fortune-telling, and that knew well enough what would become of him. See this Impudent Hangman standing at a Sick Man's Bed side! How Magisterially he looks, saying, All is well, when his Patient is Languishing by the Medicines he has given him. If the Poor Man complains he is scorched with Heat, 'Tis all for the better, Nature is casting out the Heat to cool the Vitals: If he says he is benumbed with Cold, and Aguish Shivering, 'Tis a good Sign, he knew his Juleps would quench that extreme Fire: Nay, when the Patient is almost dead, and has lost his Speech, he says his Fever is at extremity, and leaving him; and then steals off, and leaves the Patient Dying, with abundance of good Signs and Tokens. The Sick Man's Friends stop him, to see the Fit over. No! He cannot stay, Death and he have a Quarrel, and must not meet for fear of Blows, when he was only afraid the Corpse should Bleed, because the Murderer was present.   

The Traveller, or Strawling Whig Physician.  
HAving Idled away a Hundred and Thirty Days, and Nine Hours beyond Sea, and brought Home a Fool at last; to quench the heat of his Fanatic Zeal and Lechery, he takes himself to a Wife without a Fortune, for a Cooler; and then as his last Shift, the poor Devil professes the Practice of Physic to maintain her. Here the Medick and the Mendicant are united in the same Person; and we may treat him like the Medicaster in Plautus.  
Grip. Num Medicus quaeso es?  
Lab. Imo adipol una litera plus sum quam Medicus.  
Grip. Tum tu Mendicus est?  
Lab. Titigisti Acu.  
And so like the Physician Eudemus, is only qualified for a Pimp to some Right Honourable Personage, or to drudge out his Days in Misery. 'Tis a Wonder among all the Dissenters that he should want practice; being Whig Born, Whig Bred, Whig by Education, Whig by Practice; and as a Meritorious Act for the Propation of the Species is ingeminated into the Right strain of Factious Breeders, who seldom fail to promote the Interest of their Party. He has also made an Interest among all the Noncon Tubsters, to promulgate his Abilities among all the Qualmish Sisters; which like Pocky Bills plastred upon Pissing Posts, cry Work for a Mender of Mangy Skins, Ulcers, or Fistula's in Ano. He is also at Fee with Bowds, Midwives, and Mercenary Nurses. He runs about with News and Lies against the Court. Hangs at the Fagg-End of Whiggish Lords. Speaks Cramp Words to the Ladies, stands Bare to the Chambermaid's, Caresses the Footmen, but is such an egregious carry-Tale, and Liar; such a common Makebate, and Dissembling Hollow-hearted Fawing Hypocrite, that he is fit for no Company but his Brother Notsallows, with whom I'll leave him, till he that owns them both, shall call for ' 'em.   

The Blustering Pendantick Poetical Physician.  
IS a greater Proficient in Rhyming than Reasoning, and understands quantity in Verse, better than in Pharmacy; for tho' one be his Trade, the other next to Courting and Drinking is his Business. He sets up for a Physician, by affronting Galen and Hypocrates; for a Gentleman in abusing his Betters, and for a Wit by showing his want of Manners. He Rakes into other men's Lives, and stains their Learning and Reputation, makes them look like himself. By Sordid Flattery, and Vile Abuses, he strives to get himself a good Name, tho' all in Vain, for he has a Bad one already, that will last him his Life time. I know not whether to call him Papist, Churchman or Whig, being Specialized by no Name, but qualified for the worst of all, which I would not gratify him in, if any other appellation could render him more infamous. The Mischance of being a Scholar, has made him a degree and half above a Madman, and nothing but a severe Bedlam Course can bring him to his Senses. The Press is sometimes his Mint, for want of a Paltry Patient, and Stamps him now and then a  or two, in reward of the base Coin his Poetical Pamphlet. He is an Ubiquitarian in his Walks, and may be found any where, sooner than in his Study. He has much time lying by him, and knows not how to spend it; and were it not for the Tavern, the Playhouse, and the Bawdy-house, he would die for want of Employment. In Physic he acts like a Fencer, and kills Men in Teirce and Quartfield, and then like a Poet, covers their Groves, and his own Misdoing, with an Epitaph. He is very familiar and frolicsome with his Apothecary's Wife, and because the Doctor is Agent, the Apothecary must be Patient, whom he makes amends, by writing long Bills, and keeping his sick Patients in long diseased Sheets, to do Penance for the Doctor's Lechery. His Practice is wholly among the Female Sex, whom he Ogles and Bunters in the Pit, and wire-draws them into Sin, that he may share in their Gains, by curing the Diseases that attend it. To recommend himself to the Ladies, he has always a Distich ready, in commendation of their Lap-Dogs, and often wishes himself in their Places. He pulls off his Gloves to show his White hand, Laughs at all things, pleasant or serious, to show his White Teeth, and throws back his Wig, to show his Ears are on, and well adjusted. Sometimes he Sings, to delight the fair Sex, and sometimes Sighs to declare his Passion, or that the Devil keeps a Dancing-School in his Pocket, whom the Women are obliged to eject, by the appearance of an Angel for a retaining Fee, against they have occasion to be Sick, or lie from their Husbands. In short, he is Duplices Professiones, both Merry Andrew and Mountebank, and all his Art is Delusion; and if he's displeased with that Character, he must thank himself; for as he began to Draw without occasion given, so he's like to put up without other Satisfaction.   

The Astrological Whig Physician.  
THAT has Twelve Houses of his own in Heaven, and never a one upon Earth, to Eat, Drink, or Sleep in, is a mere Insect of Idleness, a Stationary Gipsy, a Maggot bred in Lily's Nose, or Gadbury's Posteriors, and smells as Rank of Fool and Knave, as the Bub of a Partridge at Pairing-time. He can't be ranked among the Whigs in point of Religion, for he has none at all, and 'twould ruin his Practice of Figure-flinging to be thought to have any; and therefore must be placed among the Politic Whigs, that fright the foolish World with incredible Fears, and invisible Dangers; that talk of nothing but Earthquakes, Blazing-Stars, Dreadful Comets, and raise such Predictions from them, as will gratify the Itch of a Seditious Party, and kindle Combustions among a mal-contented People, who delight to hear of Revolutions and Disturbances, rather than enjoy a continued Peace and Prosperity. This Sot pretends to know every thing, but what concerns himself, and in that is the ignorantest Ass in the Kingdom. He knows (if you have so little sense to believe him) all the Transactions in the Starry Regiment, can Calculate the Fate of Kingdoms, and calls himself a Privy-councillor in the Superior Regions; but knows not when propitious Jupiter will oblige him with a New Pair of Shoes, or Mercury bring him Money to mend his Old ones. He can direct other Men to find Hidden Treasure, while himself wants repairs both at Heels and Elbows. He knows all the Intrigues between Mars and Venus; but not the Chandler that Cuccolded him for a Farthing worth of Oatmeal. He knows who broke his Neighbour's House, but not who laid his Tail at his own Door. He knows all your wants and wishes, and can Infaliblly resolve all your doubts, by a Horary Question. If your Wife or Miss, be Six Months gone with Child, he can tell you, that in three more, in all probability, she will be Delivered; and if your House be ready to fall on your Head, that 'tis time to remove to another. He knows all the Grand Secrets, and Occult Qualities in Nature; as why a Fly should have Six Legs, and an Elephant or Dromedary but Four! why a Cat when she is pleased Erects her Tail, and a Dog Wags his cross his Stern? Why Crabs go backward, and Lice move forwards? With other useful and wonderful Phenomena's. If the Question be in Physic, he knows all your Distempers as perfectly by his Astrological Scheme, as if he had travelled through your Stomach and Guts to Supervise your Entrails. He can Cure All Diseases tho' a Hundred miles off, by sigils, Charms and Telesmans'; but is ready to drop to Pieces with the Pox, and cannot Cure himself. In brief, among all the Fry of Fools and Knaves, Sharks and Cheats that pretend to be Physicians, the ginger is the most incurable Coxcomb, and arrantest Imposter: From others you have something for your Money, but from him nothing but Death and Damnation for Deserting your God, and ●he Directions of his Holy Oracles, to Consult with the Devil by Proxy.   

The Chemical Whig Physician.  
IS an Extract of Enthusiastic Fopperies; the Essence of a Formal Hypocrite; the Quintessence of a Broken Tradesman; the Elixir of Ignorance, distilled from the Acida Insipida of Paracelsus' Nose in the height of his Lunacy, when he boasted of making Man Immortal, and died himself at Two and Thirty: All these Petrified in the Lake Lemain, at length produced the Lapis Infernalis of a Chemical Physician; which gilded over with the Deceit and Saintship of a starched Whig, has advanced many Impudent and Illiterate Mechanics to the Dignity of Doctors, and they think it as much their Due, as if they had Learning to deserve it. The most remarkable of them all, is the Canting, Confident Whig nomlaS, who by obliging the Ignorant, with a Heap of Corrupt Translations and Family Pills, has worked himself into an Estate, by sending his Brother Whigs on Dead men's Errands. He has Rummaged all the Treasuries of Nature, to find out the Gas sive Ens Sulphuris, which he gives in large quantities to his Brethren, that by accustoming their Bodies to the use of Brimstone here, they may better endure it in another World; for so Mithridates made himself Unpoysonable. By Eves dropping a Conclave of Newington Philosophers, he has attained the Art of making Eels of Horsehair steeped in Water, and will oblige the Royal Fishery with the Process, for the good of the Subscribers. By Indefatigable pains, and continual Study in Hidden Sciences, he has groped out the Mysterious Art of Coschinomancy, Anglice the Seive and Scissors, and intends to publish it next Term, as a Supplement, to help sell his Practice of Physic; that the Impression may not be converted (like his other Works) into Waste Paper. How much are we obliged to this Semi bovemque Virum, and Semi virumque Bovem, half Quack, half Tubster, or Kirleus and B—ges blended into an Individuum Vagum. He that shows the height of his Learning, in Canting, Snaphling, and commending himself and his Medicines in an unintelligible Dialect: Which must be attributed to the Heat of his Furnace, and the Fumes of Piss, Sutt, and Sulphur, which have Exsiccatted his Brains, and sense can't be expected from him, till they have been Refrigerated in the Ditch side Auqasduct. He has more Quixotisms in Chemistry, than Prince Butler in Politics, or his Brother Dick Stafford in Divinity: Is as near gaining the Philosophers Stone, as Van Helmont the Universal Medeicine, and nothing but Fleet-Ditch stands betwixt him, and Mountains of Diamonds. All his Medicines are Hermetical Preparations, and to name them looks like Conjuring. He has an Essence of the Sun, a Milk of the Moon, an Extract of the Seven Stars, the Humidum Radical of Metals, the Balsam of Flint, the Magistery of Pearls, the Elixir of Life, the Rosy Crucian Pantarva, and the Soul of this World, and that in the Moon: All which are to be sold in his Elaboratory, at the price of your Lives and Fortunes, if you swallow them; and will keep good (if ever they were so) as long as a Whig can retain a Secret, a Poet keep Money, or nomlaS himself within the Bounds of Truth and Honesty, who is no more to be believed, when he boasts of his Cures, than the Devil if he should expound upon the Gospel; but I have taken more pains with him, than he is worth, and therefore must set him aside, to make room for.   

The Stately Methodical Whig Physician, or  
A Grave Sir in a Gilded Chariot, with two Laced Liveries, to bespeak his Grandeur, and raise the Price of his Visits, who boasts that with Opium, and Jesuits Powder, he can cure all Diseases, which he but Pallitates for a time, and then sends them to sleep with their Fathers. He enters your Chamber with a Close Mouth, but an Openhand, for like balam's Ass, he will not speak, till he has seen three Angels; and then leaving a Scrawl to his Apothecary, which he can Read but cannot Construe, the Don is in haste to go to a Conventicle, but has ordered his Lackey, to call him out again as soon as he is set, as if to a Patient; when 'twas only to Bubble the Congregation into an Opinion that he is a Man of Great Practice, and the Holder-Forth takes the Hint, and prays aloud for his Success: Which in the Modern Phrase of Physicians, is crying Work for the Tinker. For this Service the Non Con has his Dinner with the Doctor, and they drink Wine so long, till both their Noses are as Red and Fiery, as if they had been made by a Drunken Smith, that after he had Forged them, forgot to Quench 'em, and then the Vultures take their Flights for New Quarry, to make work for one another. Among one Hundred of these Methodical Quacks, you shall scarce find five Rational Physicians: Their Ne plus Ultra in Acute diseases are Jesuits Bark, and Opium. In Chronical Distempers, the Milk Diet, the Steel Course, and Mineral Waters. As for Purging, glistering, Blistering, and Bleeding, they are fortuitously Directed according to the Doctor's Caprichio; and lastly the Cordial Course, which is Spirit of Hartshorn, and Spirit of Piss Succinated. Now for Physicians, who pretend to be Medici Legales dogmatici, Rationales, and Veri Methodici, and yet tie up themselves only to five Spurious Remedies, is as much Muntebanking in their Coaches, as vending Or vietan on a Stage is. Our Patient is now in a Course, and as the Dutchman says, being Shipped with the Devil, must go over with him; however, finding the Vessel is over-laden with Bark, a Consult is desired to drive out the Jesuit; who after laying their Learned Heads together, seeing the West-Indies would not afford them a remedy against the Jesuits Bark, the East-Indies shall, and now comes in the God Stone, tho' they neither know what it is, nor the use of it, it must be thrown at the Jesuit. The Consult are agreed, being all in a Confederacy, to employ none but those of the same Gang. Flectere Si ne quo, Superos Acheronta movebo. He can but die, and therefore they take the opportunity of making Experiments, at the cost of the Patient's Life; and these Doctors having the Supreme Authority of Physic, none dare question 'em, for fear of falling into their Physic Inquisition: Whereas another would have been hanged for half the Barbirity they used against him: For these and many other Reasons, (I suppose) the Babylonians 
* Herodot l. 1.  Banished all Professors of Physic out of their Dominions; and Rome 
* Bodinus de Republ. p. 513.  likewise kept out all Physicians Six Hundred Years together, and in that time enjoyed a greater degree of Health, by the Natural Dictates of their Reasons, and Experience of Familiar Remedies, and Regulating their Diet, than ever they did since their Admission; and therefore I shall pray with Parson Ball, at the tying on of his Sword, pray God I may never have occasion to use them, for to live Physically is to live Miserably.   

An Amphibious Latitudinarian, Aldermanlike Whig.  
IN the Country he wears the Title of a Right Worshipful Sir Something, that Sprung up from Nothing; but being laid Cross the Shoulders with a Knighthood; his Horn is exalted above his Neighbours. His Father was a Man of good Stock, tho' but a Grazier; he bought the Land, and his Son the Title; and the next Generation returns his Family into their Original. His Study is the Fashion of his . His Religion Whiggism, which like French Pottage is made up of every thing. A Maypole is his apt Resemblance, which is Rootless for want of Principles, Sapless for want of Wit, and Fruitless for want of Charity, with a Wether Cock on the Top, changing with every Wind of Doctrine; who being now levelled with the Ground, I must seek his Counterpart in another Place and Station. In a City our Latitudinarian has climbed up into Alderman; and being wrapped in Furr, and tied to a Gold Chain, becomes Venerable in his Authority, and Right Honourable among the Whigs, for his Native Instability, and Neutrality, and his Pliableness in Bending either in the House of God or Rimmon. To show he is of no Religion, he professes to be a Friend to all, and thinks there is not a Pin to choose, between the Bible and the Alcoran! He would be wholly a Christian, but that he is something of an Atheist, and would be wholly an Atheist, but that he is partly a Christian. He would be a Churchman, but for the Severities of Mortification, and the Doctrine of Restitution, and cannot be a Presthyterian, because he has not a Constitution fit for Long Prayers, nor the Stool of Repentance. Independent Expositions, and Lectures, would take up too much of his time; and the Quakers Silent Meetings in a Barn, would unqualify him for showing his Oratory and Eloquence on the Bench; and therefore he calls himself a Latitudinarian Whig, and that answers all things. Every New Religion Scares him from a former, but none has power to persuade him to itself. He finds Reason in all Opinions, but Truth in none, and leads his Life accordingly. His Estate alone has Elected him into the Highest Post in the Common Hall, for had he not been worth Thousands in Cash or Ware, he never have rose above the Degree of a Beadle, by his Understanding or Interest. However he is Ambitious of a Name, and therefore lays no stress upon Honour and Conscience; but Wags his Tail upon every mean Cit, that Spits in his Mouth by Flattery; and is never any thing, but what his Profit and his Company make him. Among Churchmen, he is what they say of Chine of Beef, Pout, Pheasant, Partridge, or whatever else will Relish with their curious Palates. The King's Health in their Company goes down as Glibly as his Mistresses; which at other times would go down with as much difficulty, as his Wive's, or a Cup of Sour Six, If a Courtier makes him a Visit, the Velvet Chair, and a Flask of Florence, shows how kindly he takes it, and to make him some Requital, there shall be no discourse against the Ministry, or Mismanagements, at his Table for Four and twenty hours afterward. He tells the Courtier how well the City and their Wives are Governed, and forgets not to mention his own share in the Settlement; but no sooner are his Gown and He removed into an Apartment where the Whigs are stowed, but he lays aside his ' Tother end o'th' Town Face, and slips on his Magistratical Phiz, and Salutes his Brethren in Mood and Figure. If they repremand him for going sometimes to Church, he excuses it, as being a Magistrate, and must Act Politicly: That he is in Conscience against the Church, and goes thither only for his Conveniency, to be a Spy upon that Party, and asks God forgiveness for going to Prayers among them; and goes to the Conventicle in the Afternoon, to make one part o'th' day Scandalise the other. Thus like a State Jack of all Trades, he appears Godly from the Teeth outward, by putting the Cheat upon himself, and his Admirers. He sees two Parties contesting for superiority, and therefore thrusts his Nose in the backsides of both the Pretenders; that whoever Wins the day, he may put in for a Friend to the Prevailing Party. His Politics have also the perfections of the Whig: He cannot take the Oaths to the Government, nor the Eucharist from a Church Man, but as a Qualification to an Office of Profit, and so he would take it in Lamb's Wool, and at Constantinople would be Circumcised with a Reservation. He discovers his Allegiance by repeating Misdemeanours, and in finding Faults without any desire to mend them; but on all occasions, takes advantage to Cramp and Canker all Men of a Steady Loyalty. Accordingly he divides his Life, between Restless apprehensions, Doubts never to be resolved, Deliberations that can never take effect, and starting Notions in Government, that no mortal Man understands any further, than a Superinducing one Confusion upon another, and encountering Lesser Evils with Greater: Which has given him the Character of a Statesman Reversed, or a Christian with the wrong side Outward.   

The Senseless, Upstart, Whig Country Gentleman.  
IS an Animal begot betwixt Enthusiastic Dulness, and Sophisticated Reason, and stole into the World when the Eye of Providence was a sleep, to Ridicule the whole Creation, and outdo Africa with a Monster of a new Edition. His Name in the Lapland Dialect is Wotsallon. He has the Natural Privilege of a Visor-mask, and his own Face effectually describes him. His Strength is in his Back, and his Weakness in his Brain, as if Nature had cut him out for a Stallion to a Brothel-House. His Heels are better mounted than his Head, and for the Figure sake might serve for Basis or Capitol. When he walks, he Grunts like a Sow in Quest of Sun-Cake, Waddles like a Bear in state, and wants nothing but a Rout of Bors and Bagpipes to grace his solemn Entry to a Conventicle, anglice, the Bear Garden. When he Eats, you'd think all the Cormorants in the Universe were united into one devouring Cerberus, to famish the rest of Mankind, and when the Booby laughs you'd think a Mandrake groaned, or a Bed of Wormly Toads were croaking their Vespers. His Rickety Head is swollen beyond a Symetrical Proportion, and was naturally adorned with Carrots of a right Sandwich Hue, but now is covered with Puntack's cast white Wig to disappoint the Hogs, and keep his Fool's head from the Wether. His Face looks as if some ignorant Carver had cut it out of a Dirty Turnip, Skinned it with the Hexagongy of a Hony-comb, and embellished his Cheeks with the Blue from his Eyes, to make the Figure more astonishing. His Lips are as green as a Leek, and have the Virtues of it also, in preserving his Rotten Teeth from Gracing the Shoulder-Belt of a Corn-Cutter; but if this Description be too brief to know him by, you cannot miss the Rake every Noon hanging at a Lord's Arse in an Eating-house; with a Soul full of Hypocrisy, a Heart full of Treachery, a Mouth full of Commendation of Oliver's Usurpation, and Lies against the present Court. A Belly full of Claret, a white Wig full of Powder, a Pocket full of Papers against the Government, and a Head Brimful of Emptiness.  
Heraldry known nothing of his Ancestors on either side, for like Mushrooms they grew up in a Night of Rebellion, by Plundering the Loyal Party, and agreeably to his Stock, had this Miscellany of Whig and Publican his Education. When Bulk and want of Brains, rendered him fit for Indentures, he was put Apprentice to a Woodmonger, and when Seven Years of Eating and Drinking, and now and then a little Ditch-side Whore, to enter him, were accomplished, he set up at London, Master of a great Dog, a small Stack of Faggots, and a Lighter of Coals about the bigness of a Hogs Troffe; but this Sickly show, not being able to support his Extravances, according to the Laudable Custom of the City, some Woman must be Cheated. To a Marriage Broken Brother he Complains for want of a Wife, to exalt his Horns to an Equal Height with his Neighbours, who on paying the Prime Cost for Procuration, and Mr. Scruples Fee for assisting the Contrivance, a Plump Tarpolins' Daughter, newly Rig'd, Washed, and Tallowed, is found out, and Attacked: And tho' some Friends of the Girls opposed the Match, as unwilling that any thing should Marry a Baboon, but what had been begotten by a Monkey; yet the Devil's two Broker, the Holder Forth; and the Solicitor, having Melted down the Mother with Evening Exercises, long Prayers, Fat Loins of Veal, and Repeated Drams of the Bottle, and setting up the Fop as a Stiff-Rumpt Whig, and a Zealous Conventicler, the Smithfield Bargain was struck up with the Mother, and the young Lump of Wapping Zeal, and Breeding, finding she had no other choice but the Collier, or a Shipless Sailor, she consented the former should enter her Poop, and steer her, for Better for Worse, into the fatal Port, of an empty Wood Wharf, where tho' replenished soon after, by transmuting the Saylor's Mettle into a full stock of Wood and Coals; carrying a greater Sail than the slender Smack would bear, the Vessel sprung a Leak in her Bread Room, and the crazy Mast standing bend a while, at length Snapped asunder, the Vessel Sunk in the Harbour, and the Quarter part Master and Owner, from the hopes of a Livery Hood and Gown, which was the height of his Ambition, was confined within the compass of a Leather Jacket, echoing about the streets Great hard dry Faggots, five for Six pence, Faggots. This Employ not agreeing with his Body, and being also above the reach of his Brain to manage; with his Horse, and Cart, his Wife and other Lumber of the House, he retired to Fast and Pray in the Country, for a Translation of his Sires into their Original Dust and Ashes, that he from a Broken Trades Man, might have a Resurrection into Gentleman.  
The blind Bawd Fortune, according to her usual Method of obliging Fools, with the help of a Whig Doctor, and the Prayers of the Canting Tribe, sends his Grandsire and Father to their places, and and removeth the Whifling Whig out of W— Shire into Heart— Shire, and Palms him upon that Country for a Gentleman, without any other qualification than a large Stock of Whiggism, Hypocrisy, and Confidence. Now he sets up for a man of figure, Whig, Beau and Spark, and uses all the modern Arts to accomplish himself for something to be talked on; and whereas in the days of his Retrogradation, he kept Sneaking company, such as had some remains of Conscience about them; that were afraid of being Damned, that went to Hear, Lay with their Own Wives, said Grace of an Ell Long before two Eggs and a Salad; and in short, were Errand Whig Christians, without the least tincture of Beau, Bully or Bravo among them: He now perches up into Squire, and Worshipful, and Drinks, as Bloodily; Swears, as Damnably; and Whores, as like a Gentleman, as is possible for a Woodmongers Apprentice to attain to. He bids Adien to the Droanish Custom of Sober Whigs, in Kennelling at Twelve, and Rising at Eleven; and now says the night was made for Beasts to Rest in, and Sparks to be Poxed and Revil in; and therefore never Nods in London, but when there comes out a Proclamation against Sleeping, and then he takes a Nap of Nine hours long to Affront the Government he lives by Sobriety and Temperance he reckons among the number of the Seven Deadly Sins, and to distinguish himself from the Lower Rate of Whigs, boasts how often he has been Fluxed, and the great store of Buboes and Shankers he has had about him. Sometimes he shows you his Face Broke against the Posts of a Tavern Door, his Choler Bone dislocated, by being kicked down stairs in a Bawdy-house, and there's no question but one time or other, he'll have his Brains beat out to inform his Judgement, or be Run through the Guts by the La— Shire Knight, for Cracking and Lying of the favours he has received from his Virtuous Lady, and then the World will be Rid of one of its greatest Encumbrances.  
Having made this start into Gentleman, his next Affair is to keep up that Character among the Party, by herding with all Factions against the Government, Ecclesiastical and Civil, and sets up for a Drunken Saint, tho' the immodish Coxcomb knows Religion is out of Fashion. The Surname of his Sect is unknown in Alexander Ross' View of Religions; and tho' fools, make up the Guts of all Churches, yet his Life is so Scandalous he is not owned as a Member of any. His Religion consists in Railing against all Governments but Oliver's, and cursing the Whore of Babylon worse than the strect Crack that clapped him. He would be a Prestbyterian, but for fear of the close stool of Repentance. An Independent, but that he has neither Gifts nor Graces, and thinks himself not Fool nor Madman enough yet to be a Quaker; tho' he has the Ill manners of 'em all, in bespattering the Court, notwithstanding he Lives upon the Alms-Baket of the Treasury.  
The Stomach of an Ostrich is a Type of his Conscience, and his pretended Generosity, is like the dissembled Compassion of a Crocodile. Whomsoever he fawns on he Devours, and swallows Lands, Tenements and Stewardships, like a Juggler Knives, without ever choking him. Two things he never kept in his life, Fast-days, nor Promises, and his Words being but wind, he never scruples breaking 'em Upwards in good Faith, nor Downwards in good manners. Honesty he looks upon as a Starving Notion, next Door Neighbour to Beggary. Conscience, like the Smallpox, haunted him when he was young; but since he came to years of Maturity and Business, seeing it Interfere with his Interest, he gave it a Wring by the Nose, and Kicked it down Stairs, that it might not Disturb his company. To entitle him to the Office of a Publican (which his security e'er long will dearly suffer for) he makes a show of good Husbandry, which is indeed but the effects of his Necessities; and therefore tho' he gives his Brother Whigs, their Bellies full of Bacon when they come to see him, he makes them so drunk before they go that they Spew it up again, which serves his Dogs for a Meal, and so loses little by his Entertainments. He holds the Scale of Justice as Blindly, as the Goddess that was born so; shows his Wisdom most in his Silence, and does his Country best service in his Absence. His Severity is all against Regretors and Forestallers, and cares not if they Raise the Devil, so they don't Raise the Market. His Servants are in as many Shapes, and Employments, as if their Master was a Magician; for the same person that Rigs his Worship for the Bench, serves the Dogs in the Kinnel. To save the expense of keeping a Clerk he writes his Warrants himself, from an ill Precedent; but when he has done can't Read them, without the assistance of that Catholic Utensil he calls his Secretary, his Valet, his Butcher, his Groom, his Dog-keeper, his Every thing: And therefore hangs him behind his Coach, to be serviceable upon all Public occasions; to wipe his Master's Shoes, or assist his Woodmongers Worship in Rectifying Abuses and Mismanagements. Of all the Senseless Animals that attend him, his two Black Mares have the Constantest, tho' not the Sweetest Employment, who carry Dung to th' field all the Week, and to th' Church, or Church Meetinghouse on Sundays.  
Being thus accomplished for a Worshipful Shustice of the Peace, and the t'other thing too, Quorum, tho' he no more understands the meaning of it in English, than if it was Arabic: To complete the Character of a Finished Fop, he also sets up for a Wit, by swearing with a Bonne Grace, telling Bawdy stories, and convincing all the World, that he has no Sense, no Learning, no Religion, no Good Nature; but boasts of being a Sot, and having the Pox five times, that he may be admired for something. Old Fools and Fops that set up for Wits and Rakes, are the Directors and Governors of his Life, and he despises all Mankind, that are not arrived at his Pitch of Gallantry. He looks upon't as an Unpardonable sin, to be without a Ribbon round his Waste, tho' a Halter would better become his Neck, for honester men than he have been hanged. He calls all Men Clowns that offer to Brush the Powder from their Coats, that han't a Useless Sword, with a Dangling Ribbon down to their Shoes, and a juicy Dab of Snet and Snush, at the end of his Snout, and a fine Silk Waistcoat and Breeches to wipe it on, in the absence of an Indian Handkerchief. He is a great admirer of all Woman's Companies but his Wife's, tho' he smeils so Rank that he is scarce able to be endured in men's. He Chuckles at the sight of a White Petticoat, like a Turkey-cock at a Red one; yet could never attain to any above the degree of a Common Street Walker; for the Woman that would grant this Pole Cat the favour of a Run, without giving him the Pox in Requital, would scarce deny one to the Devil. He has a Hundred ways of getting Money, and a hundred and fifty of spending it, besides Eating, Drinking, and Wenching. viz. in Galloping from Town to Town, and from Conventicle to Conventicle, to buzz Fears and Jealousies among Citizens; Factions among Country Gentlemen, and Sedition among the common People: Coaching it from Taverns to Eating-houses, and thrusting himself into the company of Tituladoes at the Price of Paying all the Reckoning. In the Country he lives like a Hawking, Setting, Hunting Fool, that rides many a Mile i'th' Dirt for a purchase like himself, neither worth the time, nor trouble, that I have bestowed upon him; for striving to correct a Blockhead by satire, which describes him to others, while he turns away his Eyes from seeing his own Picture, is like railing to a Deaf-man, and therefore 'twould be a pleasure to men of Wit and Honour, and for Public Vengeance, if this fool in a Frame, had some feeling, and were Sensible when he is corrected. However, if this don't Reform him, and cause him to make Restitution, the next Setting shall produce his Effigies, more to the Life than this is, and give you his Name in words at length, and not in figures. In the mean time I will describe his favourite Dunce, which he goes three or four miles to hear, in contempt of the Worthy Minister of his own Parish.   

The Church Whig, or the Ecclesiastical Bifarius.  
IS the Offspring of Ignorance and Nonconformity, who being Dieted a while in a Country School, upon Rules, Exceptions, and redious Repetitions of Amo's and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 till he had learned how Phaeton broke his Neck, how many Apples Tytirus had for his Supper, and understood Homer's Commendations of Ach●lles's Toes, and the Grecians Boots; knew a Hexameter from a Pentameter, a Sponde from a Dactil, and could fit them without Sense to his Fingers-end; tho' his Parts were contemptible, and the Purses of his Friends at too low an Ebb, to maintain him like a Scholar: To the University he must go for a little Logic, and Ethics, and is Predestinated by his Relations to be a Clergyman, in hopes that a Benefice where Henry the Eight had not been too busy with his Toll Dish, but that yet there remained some Good-Land, that Afforded Milk and Honey, might be the Portion of our Juvenile intended Levite. Now that success might answer the desires of his Parents, and that the Babe of Grace might not Surfeit on Human Learning, the Tutor employs him in Bed making, Chamber-Sweeping, and Water-fetching, that the Sizars Brains might not be over heated with too much Vain Philosophy. Having sucked in about Six or Seven mouthfuls of University Air, exactly learned to Respond to Quid est Logica, and Quot Sunt Vertutes Morales; with Burgurdicius, Eustachius, and such Excellent Help Meets in Divinity in his Coat Pocket; down he goes by the first Carrier on the Top of a Pack, into the Country to Propagate the Gospel, and by that time he can say his Predicaments, and his Creed, you find him in a Pulpit; for now he has the Choice of Preaching or Starving: Tho' it had been Ten times better for the Lad and the Church, that he had been made a Tooth Drawer, or a Porter. Some Poor Starved Vicar, that ne'er could keep a Curate in his Life, gives him a Title to Ordination, and then a Neighbouring Knight takes him into his Family, at the Price of Ten Pounds a year, and a Sunday Pudding, to perform Holy Offices, and spoil his Children by making him their Tutor. Being a Stranger to the House, and a Decent Behaviour, my Cousin Abigal out of Charity, and in hope of the Benefit of her Clergy, instructs him in the knowledge of a Chaplains Duty, viz. That he must never speak in the Parlour but at Grace and Prayer time, and be sure with a Low Bow to Rise in time from the Table, take away his Plate, and march off with his Hat under his Arm, and cleave a Log into Billets, for the Parlour Fire, whilst the Knight, my Lady, and her Children, eat up the Chickens, Tarts, and Custards, and then calls in the Chiplin to Dismiss them. This obligation upon the young Levite, gives him a liking to Mrs. Abigal, which she Cherishes with the Remains of her Lady's Caudles, and the Pills of her China Oranges, and lays the Foundation of his Ruin. To please his Mistress, and gain the Vicarage that is Entailed upon her Office by the Custom of the Manner, he is sometimes found Cracking Nuts, and Reading in his Study, and having luckily discovered a Vacuum in his Upper Room, he fills it with Learned Jargon, Materia Prima, Occult Qualities, and Atoms, which the Lady of the House observing, she breaks out in his Commendation. Truly the Young Man is much improved, since he came into our Family. The Ladies good Word, the Knight's good Nature, and Mrs. Abigals' Apron Strings growing too short, prefers him at once to a Benefice, and a Belly-piece, where the All Wise Patron, and the All Understanding adjoining Justice, being both Severe and Sour Whigs, the Chipling to gain their Favours, and Reassume what he was bred to, sets up for a Church Whig also, and leaves nothing unattempted that may show his Respects to the Dissenting Party. Now he sets up for a Conforming Dissenter, and carries the fair Outside of a Man, and is an errand Knave in his Heart: One that indifferently divides his Body and his Soul betwixt Right and Wrong: The Government has his Head and Purt'nances, and the Schism his Affections. He is externally a Church of England-Man, but inwardly a Phanatique, and his own Judgement Condemns his Practice, which he Dispenses with, to make Friends of the Unrighteous Mammon. At first he bowed towards the Altar, and now if their Worships are absent, to Goodman Webb, and Goodman Bland, and the best Yeomanry of the Parish. He divides his good Wishes equally between the King and his Patron, but prays for the former in the Desk, and the latter in the Pulpit. He Huddles over the Prayers of the Church, as if he was Riding Post, and longed to be at the end of his Journey; but is very Devout and Deliberate in his own Extempore Belchings, as if want of Sense made 'em acceptable to God, as well as to his Ignorant Auditors. He sets his Face by their Worship's Glasses, casts his Shapes in their Mould, and serves the Whig Dons in all Offices. Prays and Expounds in their Families, Writes their Leases, Bonds, and Warrants, and gives them Glisters when they are Costive; which with Collecting his Tithe Pigs, Calves, and Geese, and his Eggs and Easter Offerings, takes up so much of his time, that he has scarce Leisure to steal an Old Parliament Sermon, and therefore Stuffs his Memory with harsh Metaphors, Childish Similitudes, and Misapplied Tales of Tubs, that serve him as well on all occasions. He has however an Excellent Knack (as they call it) in Preaching of such Gibberish as it is, and is always Provided. If a Text lies at Sculk all the Week, and will not be found to be Rived in Pieces before Saturday Night, or Sunday Morning, he than Climbs up to it by Six Steps, as Solomon ascended to the Ivory Throne, or else goes down to it, as Moses from the Hill of Sinai, and wherever he finds it Splits it into pieces, to make it look like something. If it be a Soft Text, and does not Drop a sunder of itself, he Crumbles it into Morsels between his Fingers, to feed the Brood of Chickens assembled. If like Meadow Hay the Text be long, he Chaps it for the tender Calves, and gives the Oarts to the Strong Bulls of Bashan. If the Text be Free Timber, he divides it into as many parts, as there are Words or Letters in the whole; but if it prove Knotty, he divides it (Beloved) into One part, and then it looks like Rachel and Leah, or like Abraham at his Tent Door; like the Dove that Noah sent out of the Ark to look for fair Wether; like a Carpenter's pair of straddling Compasses, or an Orchard of Pomgranets. He is mighty Provident in Husbanding the Words of the Text; and from a Monasillable, like a Conjurer can Raise many Points of Doctrine and Observation. If the Word And, sits in his Text, 'tis like Matthew at the Receipt of Customs; or like Zoar, 'tis but a little Word, and observes from it, That small things must not be disregarded. If he encounter the Word But, standing or Travelling in his Text, 'tis like the Man going to Jericho, and it Preaches to you Caution and Comfort, first Caution and shows that this But is such a Butt that you cannot Hitt it, unless Free Grace direct your Arrow; and secondly for your Comfort, 'tis a Butt of Excellent Wine, and then falls to Broaching it. Sometimes he shows his Wit in Jingling with Words, and his Learning by false Concord and Quantity, and then opens his Treasury of Tales Metaphors and Similes, wherein the Almighty himself is in danger of being Blasphemed, if the Metaphor-Monger had not the Art of bringing himself off, with a Limping, As it were, As I may so say, and Salving all by hobbling in, with Reverence be it spoken. Then to humour the Factious he Groans, Leaps, Hurls and lays about him, in Railing Bloodily against Pluralities, and wishes the Clergy as many Wives as Benefices. Non Residence he Confutes by that plain Text of Scripture, Abraham begat Isaac, which is as Convincing as Demonstration itself; for had Abraham not Resided, but discontinued from Sarah his Wife, he could never have begot Isaac, which sets 'em all a Groaning in the Middle-Isle, worse than at the Burials of their Fathers, or Husbands, or at the News of Cherry's miscarrying of a White-faced Calf: Which with a Sober Word or two against the Government, and setting out his own Losses by the Tax upon Births and Burials, which kept young Men from Gettiug Children, and old Men from Dying to save the King's Duty, he concluded the Preachment, and the Masters of the Parish in Commiferation of his suffering, charitably Order the half-faced Brother, a Recruit out of the Poors Rate; in a grateful Commemoration whereof, he resolves at the first opportunity to burn the Cover of the Font to boil his Leek Porridge; to let the Common Prayer Book fall into the Dirt, to spare the Trouble of Reading it; and to Tear out the Surplis into Necessaries for the Family, to show his Zeal against Popery, and his Aversion to Ceremonies, and so much shall serve for this Time and Text, next Lordsday you shall have him again with a New one.   

A Slasher, or a Tirannical Ignorant Pedagogue.  
IS an Essence that stands in need of a Double Definition, for he is nothing related to the Man he would appear to be. He is a Tyrant in a Commonwealth of Boys, and armed with a Rod and Ferula, is more insolent, and Arbitary, than a Universal Monarch with his Sword and Sceptre: And we need not wonder at Dyonisius, the Tyrant, who being expulsed his Kingdom, and getting to be Master of a School, should choose that Sovereignty for the more Voluptuous Dominion. Beating of Children about their Books, has always been decried by the wisest Philosophers, when they understood it no further than the pleasure of Revenge; but what would they have said of a Punishment, which serves a Viler Affection, and may be numbted among those 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and those 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that are not to be named among 〈◊〉 without borrowing the Cleanly expression of the Incomparable Hudibrass.  
The Pedant on the School Boys Breeches,  
Does claw and curry his own Itches.  
A Man cannot speak without Shame of this Abominable Vice, nor expose this Malady to Cure, without reproaching Mankind, and giving such Instances, as would render the Malefactors the Hated Objects of all the World; the Master is Idle, takes no Pains, and has no Patience, and the Child is Chastised for the pleasure of gratifying a Base and Unnatural Appetite: And Catches at a fault in a Boys Construing, to please himself in Inflicting the Punishment. The fault once Sprung, the Bird is seized, the Flesh is made Bare, and how does the Jer-Faulon Perch over it; and Commit a Sin, besides that of Cruelty, that Nature abhors the thoughts of; and which Quintilian assigns as a Reason for the Total Abolition of such a Barbarous and Inhuman Custom, in words which much affected me: Jam si minor in dilegendis Custodum et Praeceptorum moribus fuit Cura, pudet Discere in quae Probra nefandi hominis isto caedendi jure abutantur, non morabar in parte hominis hac, Nimium est quod intilligitur. I will not English it, because 'tis the Sore I would fain have to be Remedied, and for the sake of which I have made this Digression: That the Persons concerned might Reform, before they are more Exposed, or a Law be promulged to Restrain and Punish it.  
His milder Character is a Silly Animal in black, with a Band as broad as a Slabberring Bib, and serves for that purpose; A Steeple-crowned Hat, with broad Brims, which shows he is flying into Deacon's Orders, and with good Friends may be Preferred to be a Reader: Or he is a Fardel of Words (for he never had meaning in his Life) bound up in Calf's Skin, and Lettered on the back, Ludi Illiterarij. His Soul is drowned in Flesh, and is the most dangerous Creature in the World, for confirming of an Atheist: Who would Swear it was nothing but the Temperature of his Body: His Thoughts never reach beyond his Eyes, and all his Faculties, like Restive Jades, cannot be Spurred to the Pursuit of any commendable Quality. His Tongue always runs before his Wit, in Mood and Figure, and Lilies Lex in Sermone tenenda cannot stop it. Ignorance, and Gross Feding, are his Founders; Railing Rabbis, and wide kneeed Breeches are his Nurses, and his Life is but a borrowed blast of Wind, for between two Religions, as between two Doors, he is always Whistling. He is averse to all kinds of Government, and yet thinks it no less than Treason, to say the Nominative Case does not Govern the Verb, or that the first Supine has no Active Signification; but after all, should the Laws Ecclesiastical enjoin the wearing clean Shirts, he would be Lousy rather than Conform to a cleanly Command. His Memory is exercised in setting his Phiz in a Form of good Literature, and he neither Coughs, nor Spits, nor blows his Nose, but by a Rule in Grammar. His Learning was thrown into him clyster Wise, and therefore he speaks Sentences more Familiarly than Sense; Writes true Latin, but false English; and is a Stranger in no part of the World so much as in his own Country. He gives Rules for Husbandry from Virgil's Georgics, for Breeding Cattle from his Bucolics. Teaches Stratagems in War, from Caesar's Commentaries, and Keckermans' Logic furnishes him with an Unanswerable Ergo. His motion on Foot is a measure, on Horseback a Gallop, for his Legs are his own, but his Horse and Spurs were borrowed. There went but a Pair of Sheers between him and a Non Con Preacher; and both their Misfortunes is not so much, in being a Couple of Starched Conceited Fools, as in taking so much Pains to show it. The extent of his Ambition is Criticism, and Tully is his Example. He Selects his Phrases by the Sound, and not by the Sense; and the Eight parts of Speech are his Menial Servants, which he employs on all occasions.   

A Politic, Tricking, Over-Reaching, Trading Whig.  
IS a true Copy of a Wicked Original, where Arrogance supplies the Place of Birth, Inhumanity of Sincerity, and Cheating of Wit. His Cap and his Knee, his Smiles and good Words, are all at a Minutes Warning, to be dealt about upon all necessary occasions. All his Actions are Tipped with fair pretences, yet are directed to himself, and he never looks any further. He supplies his own Necessities, by ask others what they want. No Man Speaks more, and to less purpose; for his Words are like his wares, Twenty of One Sort, and he turns them over alike, to all his Customers. Whatsoever he shows you, is the Newest and best thing in all the Town, tho' it be the worst in his Shop or Warehouse. His Conscience was a Commodity, that would have lain upon his Hands, and therefore 'twas the first thing he Put off, and the want of it, serves him better than the use on't. His Religion is but Skin deep, it may appear in his Coddled Countenance, but ne'er comes near his Heart; 'tis Writ upon Changeable Taffeta, and like folded Pictures, makes him look one way like a Saint, and another way like the Devil. In his Shop he is a Tradesman, in the Coffee-house a Statesman, and like an Earwig is always Creeping into people's Ears, to breed Maggots in their Heads, and Filth in their Mouths at the Election of Mayors and Sheriffs, and City Officers. When he feels his craft is exposed, his Cunning Detected, and his Cheating Tricks discovered and made punishable by Law, he cries out his Diana Trade is endangered; and if the Holder forth is bribed to whisper some Ugly Suggestion about the loss or Decay of Trade, which always was, and always will be the Complaint of Shop and Conventicle, 'tis carried about with Clamour and Tragical Declamation; the Noise of Persecution Propogates like Thunder, spreads like Lightning, and every mouth is filled with Dreadful Apprehensions, that the Government are blowing up the Thames, Raising a Marian Persecution against Trade and Grace, and their Godliness. And that their Religion and Seven-pences i'th' Shilling, would be brought to the Stake together, if care was not taken by them to prevent it; and then the Trading Mob like Wild Asses, having snuffed in these Prejudices, 'tis but natural they should Bray, and be impatient, when they find their Credit Low, and Fancy Trade a sinking, tho' there's no cause for this Complaint, only the People are Haired and Juggled out of their Senses, by the Dictates of a Faction, and the Venom of a Seditious Club of Common-Wealth's-men. He seems more Holy than others, to gain the advantage of being more wicked. He avoids Taverns and Alehouses by Daylight, only to Drink and Whore in Private. He knows there's Field room enough to play the Knave out of the reach of the Statute, and to act the Part of the white Devil in Hugger Mugger, and the Civil Magistrate be never the Wiser; and therefore does his Cheating Jobs Discreetly, and Juggles and Defrauds under the Visor of a Good Christian. He has too much Wit to play the Fool in some Scandalous Cases, and Pleads Liberty of Conscience, for Biting his very Brethren in another; and so is honest by Discretion, and a Knave by Inclination. His seeming Sanctimony is made up of Negatives: If he does not take the Meat and Drink from the Hungry and Thirsty, Use Strangers like Dogs, nor strip Poor People Naked, he calls himself a Saint, and while he keeps his Hands from Picking and Stealing, lets his Tongue lose to Lying and Slandering. He Fawns like a Spaniel upon every New Customer, and a Puking Wambling Conscience, is his Cloak to hid his Knavery. Oaths of Fidelity and Sacraments, are hard things to Swallow; but rather than lose an Office of Profit, or a Post to Plague the Government, he can digest them with as much ease as Lucatella's Balsam, and be as upright a Whig still, as any in the Linsy-wolsie Club of busy Intermedlers; and so in Dissenting or Complying carries on the same Design of Mischief, to the Public, and security to his own Mother's Child. He rises by Degrees from one kind of Mischief to another, and makes one Solaecism in the Ground work, produce a thousand in the Superstructure. He advances from Zeal to Jealousy, from Jealousy to Practice, from Fearing Faults to finding them; from Reforming Grievances, to the Dissolution of Laws, and from removing Evil Ministers to the highest degree of Disaffection to Monarchy.   

The Shifter, or Jacobite Whig.  
HAving cast the Slough of Jacobite, with a design of doing further mischief, he Herds with Republicans, and has Liberty and Property in his Mouth, whilst Arbitrary Power and Slavery is Reigning in his Heart, and the whole design in coming over, is to promote them. All his former Intrigues against the Government being bassed, he lies like a Tiger or Wolf in the way, till he finds an Opportunity of Seizing his Prey, and then he makes a Leap at it. He has changed his Name, but not his Nature, and shows his Face at Court as a Convert, that in the crowd he may Pass Unsuspected. He has worn his Estate to Rags in the Service of his Old Master, and now endeavours to get a New One, to repair his losses: Tho' there can be greater Indignity to Men of Merit, or a more pernicious Solaecism in Politics, than to recommend this Counterfeit Convert to Preferment, till he has given as convincing Testimonies of his Fidelity, as he has formerly done of his Disaffection. He has changed his Colour; but still wearing all the Marks of Hyprocisy, you may read him in his Countenance; for as the Government is Healthy or Sickly, you will find his Complexion and Conversation just the contrary. He Clubs among the Whig Republicans, and keeps up his Correspondence with his Old Acquaintance, and employs all his Interest to help a Lame Dog o'er the Style, in the Service of that Party. He Compounds with the State for a bare External Conformity, with the present Posture of Affairs, and Compounds with the Jacobites to expiate the Delinquency of that Cold and Formal Compliance, with Assurances that he is Theirs upon the first occasion. His discourse is a New sort of Cant, betwixt Oracle and Riddle, and never speaks any thing of Moment but under a Cover that will bear two meanings, a Better and a Worse, and the one still serves as a Cloak to the other. Ask him Who he's for? He answers, for the King and Government, meaning the Wrong King all the while, and another sort of Governors. He see's his Party cannot carry it by open Force, Battery or Assault, and therefore he is come in to Undermine it, while the rest are employed as Spies upon the Government, and creep into th' Garrison to betray it if they can into the hands of the Enemy. He has failed in his first Essay by force, and now is at it by Juggling and Fawning: There's not a Fang, or a Talon, now to be seen; the Wolves are all turned into Lambs, and the Vultures into Pigeons. All our Enemies are either Dead upon the Spot, or Come over to us; which, is Alas, but the last Shift of the Faction, a Dose of Opium to lay us a sleep, for the cause is still alive, as errand a Counterfeit as the World affords; and will rise again, unless more weight be laid upon it, to keep it under. This kind of Trimming, is but the last effort of a Faction, that is well nigh hunted down, which if they have time to Recover it will be with a Vengeance. Their Conversations rise up in Judgement against their Pretences, and are Overt Acts to expound the Secret purposes and Intentions of their Hearts against the Government, and that they have a mind to Trick us out of our Legal Settlement. The Dishonour and Scandal of which proceed, will double our Calamities; for it is a much more supportable Affliction, for a Government to be mastered by Force, than to be choosed by Credulity. The one is Fortune's fault, the other is our Own; and 'tis more Shameful to be Out-witted than to be Overcome.   

The Republican Whig Jacobite  
IS an Individuum Vagum, an Uncle Robert, a Man of no Principle either of Honour, or Conscience, any further than it squares with his own Advantage. He is a common Enemy to all kind of Governments, and prefers Plotting against whatever is Uppermost, above any other kind of Lechery. Under the Monarchy of Charles the Secand, he was a professed Commonwealths-man, and employed himself, and his Pen, as desperately against that King and Court, as if he had been weary of his Life, courted a Halter, and the Honour of Dying with his Shoes on: Which he had certainly done, if there had not been an Understanding between him and Secretary Jenkins; who ordered Mr. Legate, the Messenger, tho' his Name was in all Warrants against the Whigs not to Seize him, for fear, I suppose of Discovering him to be a Treacherous Jack of both Sides. In the Reign of James the Second, he set up for a Monmothean, to scandalise the Action, and at the Loss of honester men's lives, escaped from a Hog-sty with his own into Holland. In the Prince's glorious expedition to Redeem our Religion and Liberties, his Highness was pleased (as well he might) to deny this Boutfeau a Passage among those that offered him their Service, and the Worthy Gentleman that over-persuaded the King he might pass in the Throng without any Reflection upon that Honourable Enterprise, has repent it ever since, that he opened his Mouth for so vile a Wretch. In this happy Reign, tho' obliged beyond his Desert, he has played the Devil for the Devil's sake, and has put Hell to its Shifts, to Invent Plots so fast as he could utter them. He had an Office under the Government, and Acted for the Jacebites; begged money of the Independants to Relieve their Poor, but gave what he could spare from Symond's Tap, to the Non Jurant Parsons. Under the Visor of a Common-Wealth-Compounder, he made his Court at St. Germane, which shows the Credit of their Cause was sinking, when they laid hold on this Rotten Stick to keep it from Drowning. Lord Melford found the Plot Mettle, and he the Fire and Furnace, to Forge, or Cast it into Tools for the service of Popery and Slavery, and in every Consultation to promote the Interest of that Party he always proposed the most Bloody Methods to obtain their Ends. There has been no Plot against the King and Government since his Majesty's Accesion to the Throne, in which he has not had a considerable share, either in Acting in it, or Shamming it, when it came to be Discovered. He represents our Allies and Confederates as Enemies, that make advantage by our losses, and our professed Enemies as True-Friends to England. When he had got Hundreds by his Office, he turned Tail upon the Government, and herded with the Malcontents to make it Twice as much; and then tells the People in his Printed Pamphlets, how strangely the King is Misled by evil Councillors, and that there's scarce a man at Court fit to Advise him. Sometimes he appears in Print, as one of his Majesty's Best Subjects, and in the Conclusion takes way the King's Honour, for the preservation of his Life; Undermines the Established Church for the security of our Roligion; and sets up Democratical Principles for the Maintenance of the Monarchy. He has Modelled his Looks into a Form, that is taking among the Separating Precisians, and has his Eyes lifted up to Heaven, while his Hands are in their Pockets. He never Remembers Benefits, nor forgets Unkindneses, nor never is at a Loss for new Projects to plague the World, and Ruin Mankind. Aquinas does not more abound with Distinctions and Salvoes, than he with corrupted Texts to excite Men to Rebellion; and expounds the preserving the King in his just Right, to be the Assassinating his Royal Person, in which as he had his Share, 'tis pity he missed the Punishment; for if he has not himself Brewed all the Plots and Conspiracies these Ten years; yet he has been the common Advocate of the whole Rebellious Party, and has espoused their Crimes as well as their Interests; for Writing for the Generality of Offenders, implies an Approbation of their Treasons, and that he is influenced by the same Evil Spirit, and wants a Power, not a Will, to commit the most Barbarous Murder. He scruples more the breaking one Oath of Conspiracy, than Twenty of Allegiance. His life is governed by a Fanatical Licence, that Emancipates him from the Servile and Pedantic Obligation of Congruity in his Life and manners, and Stages him as one of the Antipodes to mankind, made up of Crossness and Opposition. His Christian Liberty is Thwarting Authority, and advancing an Antichristian Anarchy: In placing the Sovereign Power in the People, and making as many Kings as there are Men in England. He is the Spider, in the Emblem, he fetches Poison out of every thing, and had rather go to Hell in a Rebellious Road of his own Finding, than to Heaven in the way of Peace and Obedience. Like a Mole he works underground, to throw up Fears and Jealousies, and when they have once taken Air, if Lucifer himself sounded the Trumpet, it could not give a stronger Alarm to Insurrections and Assassinations. He has commonly a Bible in his Hand, and the Gospel in his Mouth, and yet 'tis legible by his Actions, that he quarter's his Coat with the Atheist in the Pslams, that says in his Heart there is no God. He makes a Conscience of every thing and Nothing. What the Law requires, he Pukes at like a Breeding Woman; but to promote his own Traitorous Designs, the seven deadly Sins, pass whole through him without so much as Kecking. He is by Complexion, Sower and Saturnine; but half a Dozen Bottles will wind him up to the Pitch of Jest and Buffoonery; but either Drunk or Sober, merry or melancholy, Grave or Frolicksome; he is still a Malcontented Whig; but whether 'tis Hugh Peter's of our side, or tother, is not yet Determined; and therefore Reader, cross thyself, and have nothing to do with him; for if all the Wickedness of Mankind were lost, there's enough in him to Replenish the World with Vices, and crowed Hell with Obstinate, and Impenitent Criminals.   

The Scurrilous and Seditious Whig Writer  
IS generally speaking, either an Unemployed Needy Lawyer, a Proscribed Field Conventicler, a Caledonian Medicaster, or a Renegado Popish Priest, new Licked into a Socinian Tubster; and under some or all these Qualifications, commences a Member Politic of an Incorporate Faction, a Formal Pedantic Fault-finder in Government, and a Pamphleteer for Seditious Malcontended Clubbers. His Style is either a Blustering Noise of Insignificant pompous Words, that threaten to kill six Opponents with his Pen, and Six and twenty with his Inkhorn, or else a Fardel of Obsolete Phrases, or Moth-eaten Adages, that were in use when Men wore Bonnets, and wiped their Noses on their Sleeves, for want of Handkerchiefs. The Scope of his Pamphlets (if they have any) is to possess the People with Fears of Arbitrary Power, to reflect Scandal upon the Government, to pelt the Court with Lean and Meager Reproaches, and the Ministry with such Audacious Suggestions, as may give the Multitude a Loathing of the Men and the Constitution. He is always provided (at the Charge of the Common Stock of busy Intermedlers) to write for that Party, who are still affraied of Losing what cannot be Taken from them, and upon those Fantastical apprehensions, care not if the Government be Dissolved, to gratify their Scruples. He is full of extraordinary Hints against Mismanagements, and Wounds Royal Authority through the sides of pretended Evil Counsellors. He is sometimes a Droll, and always a Sceptic, and there's scarce any thing so certain or Sacred, that he does not expose to Question or Contempt: Insomuch, that betwixt the Hypocrite and the Atheist, the very Foundation of Religion and Morality is shaken, the Two Tables of the Decalogue dashed to pieces: The Laws of Government Subjected to the Fancies of the Vulgar, and public Authority to the Private Passions of the Fickle Multitude. He is so fond of being Public, that he will rather be a Blasphemous or a Ridiculous Incendiary, than not be taken Notice of as a Whiggish Author. If there be a Libel in Town against the Government, some One, or a Club of them All, are sure to be the Composers of it, and are Celebrated among the Seditious, as Men of extraordinary Merit, merely for being mischievous. Nothing comes amiss to make him Alarm the Mobile with approaching dangers. What a Fury will he raise about Nothing, and counterfeit a Foolish Melancholy upon improbable dangers, to excite the brutish passions of the Rabble, upon every slight and frivolous suggestion. The Oration of the old Dotard in Apuleius, would be less Ridiculous than some of their doleful, and tragical Harangues about a Standing Army. The old Fellow comes forth with hideous Bellow, and with all the Solemnities of Sorrow, and a discomposed Mind, to declaim in the presence of the whole City, against a Little Boy; and as soon as he could for Sighs and Groans, gins with weeping Tears, to let them know that he had something to communicate that required all their Attentions, as they tendered the safety of the Commonwealth; and so proceeds to conjure them, by all things sacred and civil; by their Gods and their Altars, not to let the Murderer escape unpunished; and having screwed up the People's expectations even to impatience, he was earnestly desired to declare the Crime, that so they might atone the Anger of the Gods, which otherwise they might expect upon their City, if they should suffer such a horrid Villainy to pass Unrevenged. At last (after he had moved all this indignation,) he produces Three Bottles broken all to pieces by the Lad; Here, Here, (says he) behold the Cruel Murderer. At which (you may suppose) all the Audience fell a laughing then, as all Wise men do at our Pedantic Authors now, for endeavouring, with so much Seriousness and dreadful Apprehensions, to raise a furious Passion out of Nothing. To keep him within the Limits of his own Sphere, was to confine a Wild Boar with sober words. There has been no peace upon Earth since he was in it, and a Man might as well attempt the Conversion of the Great Turk, as reconcile him to his Duty. He is the most Savage Creature in the world, and no less uncapable of Discipline than Rats and Swallows; and smells so rankly of Confusion and Disorder, that no Towardly Christian can approach him without an Antidote. He suriously combats every Trifle; raises a Tempest from the least Drop of Water; either commends or dispraises to the last degree of Rigour, and censures without Judgement or Authority: And there's no way to persuade him from repeating his follies, and Mudling himself in Ink, but to turn him to his old Trade of Lampoons, Ballads and Grubstreet Wonder-making, or make him forswear the use of Pen, Ink and Paper.  
For he'll proceed, come on't what will,  
There is no middle-Course in doing Ill,   

A Whig Trimmer, or a Jack of all Sides  
IS a Will with a Wisp. a Man of no Principle either of Honour or Conscience, any further than it squares with his Safety and Profit. You may reckon him among the common Enemies of the Government and Mankind. His Countenance is like a Prognostication in an Almanac: When his Eyes sparkle with Joy, you must look upon the Dancing of those Spirits, like the Play of Porpoises before a Tempest, and when All is Well there, 'tis a fore-boding of Troubles, and Storms in the Public: As a Cloud on his forehead (on the other side), is an Infallible sign of Fair weather in the State; for that which makes the one fat, makes the other Lean, and common Dissasters are not only his Discourse, but his Food and Nourishment. and the reason of so much contariety is this: That Monarchy, and a Popular Sovereignity, Law and Licence, Order and Confusion, can never stand together. He talks aloud of Grievances, Abuses and Mismanagements, and makes it his business to Enlarge upon them. He talks of Dangers, and fills People's heads with frightful stories of them, and at the same Instant is so put to't for Want of Proof that he is faint at least to magnify, if not to Create them, and supply the Defect of matter, with Imposture and Invention. There's not a Whimsical Story passes the Town, that is capable of being improved into a Scandal or Illusion, but it's presently Furbished up, for the Service of the Malcontended: And when there wants matter of fact for a ground to work upon, 'tis his care to supply it with Fancy or Suggestion. He has a new way of Politic Masquerading, under a Coat that fits all Factions and Opinions, goes round like a Mill-Horse in the same Track of Hearing, Telling and Dividing, and under pretence of Triming, at last removes, and with his own Weight oversets the Wherry. The Gentleman that has endeavoured to give him a fairer Character, has forgot what he is, and represents him what he should be. He Inclines too much to a Party to carry himself Uprightly, and approves the Sense of the Law, no longer than it asserts his Interest; and thinks them no longer Jewels, than they hang at his Ears, or Adorn his Fingers. Tho' Monarchy, when the Administration falls into Wise and good Hands, is approved by all Judicious Men, as the best form of Government, he is no longer in Love with it, than it keeps him in humour with a Profitable Employment, and when that is taken away, yet by Trimming when he held his Office, he has Secured his Interest in a Party, and then sets up for a Jacobite, or a Republican; either for Another King, or no King at All, as he sees the Beam turning to his own Advantage. He is for a Liberty that is inconsistent with his Allegiance, and calls every Government Arbitrary, where he cannot Act the Tyrant over all below him, and Checkmate all above him. He is not so Displeased with any thing, as our own Constitution, where Monarchy and Liberty are so happily reconciled, that they Friendly Embrace each other. He is angry that Liberty of Conscience is established by Law, because he has lost an opportunity of Quarrelling about it; for he had rather want his Right, than not gratify his Spleen, and humour his Perverseness. He is a Friend to Zeal, and an Enemy to Knowledge, and Cheats himself by a false Ostentation of the Power of Godliness, without being in the form of it. He thinks himself of the True Religion, because he has been of All he could hear of, and having Pined himself to the Principles of Neutrality, had rather undergo the Laodicean Fate, than enjoy the Reward of Fidelity and Perseverance. The Noise of Fire at Midnight, does not so much Affright him, as a Discourse of Accommodation and Comprehension, for to be all of a Peice would spoil his Market, in being for, and against every thing, by way of Debtor and Creditor. He always shifts for the Warm side o'th' the Hedge, and rather than run any Risque in his Body or Fortune, he'll leave his Prince, his Country, his Father or Friend in the Lurch, to save but the worth of a Cockleshell. In your Prosperity over a Bottle of Wine, and a Dish of your Meat, he'll load you with Caresses and Civilities; but if you come to have the Wind and Tide in your Teeth, and the Vogue of the Town against you, he'll be one of the first shall desert you in stark Love and Kindness; till you have struggled your way through the Difficulty, and then he's again your most Obedient Humble Servant,  
If our Trimming Whig is a man of Authority, he will Ruin you with Trust and Confidence; and draw out your last blood in pretences to do your Business, when he never in the least Intends it. Ask his favour for an Employment: He allows you to be a very Honest man, and well qualified for any thing, one that has faithfully served the King and Government, and he is glad, hearty Glad, that he has an opportunity of serving you. He has three or four pretty things in's Eye; there are two or three Vacancies at present, and you may assure yourself he is your friend to all Intents and Purposes. you may entirely depend upon any Good Office he can do you, and that he will never leave you, till he has done something, or other, that, is Considerable for you: And now betwixt the Credit of the Pretence on the one side, and the Snare of the Trust and Confidence on the other, you are entered upon the Road that leads to your Undoing. Now you have a Waiter's Place, and having danced Attendance on him till you have hardly Shoes to follow him longer, you have for answer, That he has done what he can; but there was so many Butts and Exceptions in the way, he could not accomplish his Wishes for you. But if you can find out any thing, you shall be sure of it. This puts you upon a new charge of Enquiring, and when you bring him an account of Three things Undisposed of, he falls into a Passion, and chides your Negligence; for if you had but spoke of it a Quarter of an hour sooner, he had done your business effectually; for one of them was just given away, and the other Two are Promised, and you must have Patience, and hunt about for more Discoveries, till he grow as Shy of you, as a skulking Citizen of a Sergeant.  
Now as oft as you come, he is Sick, Busie, Abroad, or not to be spoken with. If you Waylay and Surprise him, he is in great Hast, cannot Stay; but when you have found out something for your Turn, come to him, and you shall be sure, in English, To go without it. And now put all his Proffessions, Protestations, and Promises, into one Scale, and his Doubling, his Put-off's, sham's and Pretences into another, and you'll find your very Soul upon the most painful sort of Torture. Depend, says the Whiggish Trimmer. Assure yourself, Upon my Honour, I will serve you; when there's no more in't at last, than so much Air thrown into the mouth of a Credulous fool, toward the satisfying of an Empty Stomach. One while the Honour of the Government will not bear it. The Incompetency of the Person; 'tis too Little, or too much; 'tis too soon or 'tis too late, 'tis out of your Way, or unsuitable to your Humour; and, in a word, an honest man may as well lay his finger upon an Indivisible Instant, as Nick the precise time of doing his business, by the Mediation of a false Trimming-Whig, who does nothing but Delude, and Bretray you; and his last Shift is, removing you out of his way into th' Country, and when he has found out something, he will send for you: And that will be when the Devil's Blind, who's Eyes are not sore yet,  
Having spent all your Money, Wearied out your Self, and Worn out your Clothes, you procure a Friend to solicit for you, and at first sight the Whig Trimmer tells him; Sir, your friend is a mighty Good Man, pray tell him I don't forget him tho' he's absent. I have him here upon my Minutes, for the first business that falls; but you would do well however, to mind me now and then on't; for I have many things in my Head, you know, and now I cannot talk with you about it; but if you could stay a little here about, or come again a matter of an hour or two hence; or rather if it would stand with your convenience, let me see you upon Monday next, precisely at Twelve, than I may Chance to tell you more. Your friend replies I'll not fail your Honour at the very moment; but what hopes, says he, shall I give my friend in the mean time. My Lord, I beg this freedom from you; do you think 'twill do at Last? for a man had better Ten times be hanged Once for All till he's Dead, than be starving in the Air the Lord knows how long, under the Anxiety of a lingering Suspension; 'Tis some case to a Man yet, to know the worst of a thing, and to be at a certainty, whether it be Off or On. This Plain Dealing of your Friend, Ruffles and Discomposes the little great man of Business; and he answers with some Emotion: I am extremely pressed, you see: But I'll borrow half a Dozen words at any time from common Business, for the service of an honest man, and a friend; but to be plain with you, Sir, you are a little too Warm, and too Quick upon the Point. Beggar's must not be Carvers: Affairs of this Nature must be brought about by Patience and Opportunity. 'Tis not for a man in his Circumstrnces, to talk of being off, or on; as who should say; if I mayn't have it when I would, I won't have it at all, 'Tis too Imposing and peremptory, let me tell you: Your best way is to let matters and Humours work in their due season: Not but that all you have said to me is as safe, as if the words were in your own mouth again. This smart Common-Place Reprimand, puts your friend to''th' expense of two or three Low Bows and Cringes, and an Apology to smooth him, saying, my Lord, I dont direct, or expostulate, but my humble meaning, with Submission, is, that the frankness of the Dispatch doubles the favour. To conclude, in all this Trimming Whigs Promises, there is not one grain of Down right Integrity, but apparent marks of a deliberated Fraud, to put men upon the torture of Vexatious, expensive, endless and contemptuous Attendance, that the amused Multitude may reckon the number of their Slaves by the number of these Dependencies; and the world will never be better, till Generosity and sincere Honesty become more Fashionable. Offer him a Civility he scorns, he says, to be Bribed; he is none of those that sell Places, and at the same time expects you shall Fee his Servants, and makes his own Secretary allow his Steward and Butler a Salary out of his Profits, towards the Payment of their Wages, besides Cramming his hungry Footmen, who are almost Famished for want of their promised Five Shillings a Week, to procure them Belly-Timber.   

A Whiggish false pretending Friend  
IS an Insect that under the Disguise of Friendship, and Kindness, will do you more mischief than the worst of your Enemies. If you are in Prosperity, he'll flatter and undermine you; if in Adversity, he'll betray you, and creep out at your Sleeve when you think you have him safe in your Bosom. He's the mere Spirit of Deceit and Hypocrisy, a general Disperser of nauseous Scandal; that never speaks Well of any man behind his back, nor Ill of any man before his Face, and cares not tho' the Subject be his Father, his Brother, or the best Friend he has in the World, if he thinks it will not reach his Ear; for he has an equal kindness for all he names his friends, and would go fifty mile on Foot to see any of them hanged. His former Character was a mass of Treachery and Lying, under a veil of seeming Sanctity; but now he is grown as great a proficient at Swearing and Whoring, as the most debauched Bully at a Bawdy house; and can no more Rise without a Wench, than go to Bed without a Bottle. He boasts much of his Company, and there's none so bad he will not keep, nor so Good he won't pretend to. He swears he has been with my Lord such a One, and had three Quarts of Champain to his share; that he had much ado to get away, and is going to three other Lords about business of Importance. Dissimulation is the Adjunct of his Quality. He always lies at Catch to ensnare you, and there's no safer trusting him with a Secret than your Money, for no mortal ever knew a Sour Whig True to any man. He is all for getting Money, for that he knows will make the Pot Boil, tho' the Devil Piss i'th' fire. When he has nothing else to talk on, Religion and his Green Pew with Red Inkle, is the subject: And treats it with as much contempt, as if Eikon Basilike was the Tubster. He has always a lying, sneering, ugly merry face when he is designing Mischief, and that gives him a Name in the Party, for a very honest fellow; and if these treacherous Moles that work under ground, were not as Blind as they are Busy, an honest man could not be safe in a Cell, with all the Honesty in the world about him. He is as Impudent as he is Troublesome, and like a Weasel runs squeaking from house to house, that no man can cat his Bread at quiet for him. In every thing he seeks his own Interest, and cares not if the whole Kingdom were in a Flame, if he can but roast his Eggs by it. He thinks no gain unsavoury. All is Good that brings Profit. He serves God to get Money, and would serve the Devil for better Wages. Biting, Sharping, and Shamming, is his whole Employment, and 'tis so riveted in his Nature, that you may as well take him to pieces, as hope to Mend him. His Treachery is habitual, he is past Shame and Remedy, and he that throws away a Tester, and such a false Friend, looseth but  in the whole. And now having showed you the men, I shall (to keep their Favour) Oblige them with a Female to keep them Company, under the Name and Character of   

A Precise Hypocritical Coquet.  
WHo is one she knows not What if if you ask her, and consequently is neither Flesh, nor Fish, nor good Red Herring; but what you please to make her. She values herself for being neither in, nor out, of the fashion. She wears the best of Silks and Linen, that ever Pinns were put in; but dresses so Oddly, that she spoils her Shape, and the make of her Face by screwing it into the Model of Nonconformity. She reckons nothing so vicious as going to Church, and wearing Lace is a greater Sin in her esteem, than Fornication, or Adultery. While she is Uncoupled and in Company, she's as Demure as a Saint; but take her alone, she's as gamesome as a little Cat in a Corner, and will Tee-Hee at a Smutty Jest, and be as brisk and obliging as the Rankest Sinner. 'Tis true, she rails at the Beau's, as Unregenerate Vermin, and a known Bully scares her as wickedly at the first Assault, as a Mad Ox docs the Women in a Market; but if he has the Wit to approach her Civil at first, after a little warm handling, he soon raises a place to rest her hands upon; which her indulgent zealous Father suspecting, he salves up her Reputation with the addition of another Hundred Yellows, and Tacks her to a Needy but Hopeful Thriving Brother, which new Dies her Honour and Chastity; and she's received into his Bed, as a pure Virgin Sacrifice. Being now a spick and span new Wife, she looks as Demurely, as if Almond Butter would not Melt in her mouth, tho' Suffolk Cheese won't choke her. She is now so Innocent among her Neighbours, that she even Blushes to see her Own Hand naked, and has sunk her voice to so low a Key, that she can scarce hear herself; but ere she had been married a Week, like a Larum-Clock, the whole house Rang of her. A Spot upon her new Gown raised a Tempest, and her Husband Rising in his own Defence before she was awake, made such a Thunder as Deafened all the family. Her Devotion at the Conventicle is in turning up the Eggs of her Eyes to the Tubsters, and turning down the Leaves of her Book, without regard to the Quotation. When the Holder-forth shows how Artificially he can grunt out the business of Persecution, she is full of sickly Qualms, tho' if the Executioner be but Man, she says no Martyr shall suffer with greater Resolution. She abounds with more Texts than a Concordance, and will not flap her Maid o'er the Chaps, without a Scripture Authority; nor correct her Husband's Coxcomb, but by a choice Precedent out of some of the Dissenter's Say. She never thinks a Sermon good, unless she ride five Mile to hear it, because it covers an Assignation upon the way, which is much more Edifying than the Lecture. She is much in love with the Quakers Silent Meetings, because it gives her time to Recruit, and she makes amends for't at Dinner, and Prattles more than any at the Table against Sense, Antichrist, and her Husband, till a fat Gob of Mother Tripe and Mustard, puts her to Silence. When she has almost Dined, she complains of a Tender Conscience, the weakness of her Stemach, and her want of Appetite; and immediately a piece of Tart that, by accident was bottomed with a Leaf of the Apocryphas, made her puke, and had certainly brought up all her Dinner, if a lusty Soak of Right Nan's, had not qualified her Antipathy against Bell and the Dragon. She i● as full of Faith, as an Egg is full of Meat, but has no room for Charity, and understands no Good Works but those, which, when a Child, she wrought upon her Sampler, and spoils them too by often showing them. She is a perfect Enemy to all Church Music but the Chimes, which kindly call her to four Meals a day, and refreshes her Spirits with the comfortable Melody of Wisdom, Hopkins, and Sternhold. She Rails at the Women of the World as Damned, for wearing Fringes on their Petticonts; and wears her own plain, that she may take them up with lesser trouble and Inconvenience. High Heads and Laced Shoes puts her into horrible exclamations; she calls them all Jezebels, dalilah's, and Whores of Babylon that wear them; and accounts it as a Mark of Grace, that she can Do as well without them. She is no less Skilled in Policies of Government, and is an earnest Contend for the Rights of Womankind, which she claims as her Due, and not as a Benevolence from the good Man's Prerogative. She opposes the Monarchy of a Husband, with the Undeterminable Privileges of a Wife, and maintains the Sovereignity of her Sex, by keeping the Keys of the Cash at her Legislature Girdle, and supplying her Husband's Necessities with a Bit and Knock, as she thinks convenient: And as she gives him with One hand, will be sure to take Something from him with the Other, that he may never grow to Big for her Management. Freedom of Speech she claims as her Birthright, be it never so Arrogant and supercilious. Doing what she Lists, is her Liberty; a separate maintenance is her Property, and claims them by her Original Contract, for Better for Worse, and as agreeable to her Native Constitution in quality of a Wife, Dutiful and Domineering. The Man that closes with her upon these Principles, of checking the Arbitrary Powers of Husbands, tho' a mere Rake, has won the Fort of her feigned Virtue; she surrenders upon Discretion, and will lie with him upon an Impulse of Conscience, to reclaim him from the vulgar use of Whores, and Wicked Women. And now having gotten her Heart, the Devil on't is, he can't be Rid of the Rest of her body, but like a Rattle at a Dog's Tail, let him go where he will, she will follow him, till Impotency procures him a Release, or Incurable Claps bring him to a Death Bed Repentance.  
Precise She-sinners are by Nature Guilty,  
For whether Young or Old Whores they'll Jilt ye.   

A Covetous Griping Usurer and Extortioner.  
IS the degenerated Issue of a cruel Jailor, his Estate is in heavy Bonds, and legal iron Shackles, which he never knocks off, but at the price of the Debtor's ruin. He was like Hempseed, sown into the World in a shower of bitter Curses, went Nine times to the Devil before he showed his Head above Ground, and his Thriving empoverish'd all that grew near him. His God is his Gold, and he the Idolatrous Priest, that Sacrifices his Soul to his Profit. He is a Friend to none, for those he has most Interest in he Devours, and only dreads the day of Judgement should come before he has taken the Forfeitures of his Bonds and Mortgages, tho' he has Ten in the Hundred besides Procuration, and Continuance Money, at a Hundred in the Thousand. He puts his Money to the Unnatural Act of Generation, and his Scrivener is the Supervisor Cock Bawd to it. He assumes the name of Protestant, because 'tis the Cheapest Religion, of Dissenter for the sake of Contradiction, and forbears Whoring only for fear of the Charge of keeping Bastards. A Capitation Tax removes him to a New Lodging, and if he's found out, he swears himself off, and says will trust God with his Soul, rather than the Collectors with his Money. His Study is how to cheat the Prodigal, to cousin this Landed Neighbour, Defraud that Widow, and Beggar those Orphans. Debts he owes none but shrewd turns, and those he'll be sure to pay without Suing. He loves the Common-Law, but swears at the Sight of the Chancery-Court, and a Subpaena would make him Hang himself, were it not to save the charge of a Halter. He is (in some sort) worse than the Devil, he never Gives but sells his Days of Payments, Bloods you by Degrees, till the Spirits of your Estates are insensibly exhausted, and then makes Dice of your Bones to play at Size-Ace with his Scrivener. He seldom lends Money but in a Forenoon, which secures him a Dinner at the Tavern, where he'll drink freely, because he knows you must pay the Reckoning; but at all other times Preaches up Temperance. He keeps a House would famish a Cricket, and his Servants do not Live but starve with him. His Chimney is unacquainted with Fire, for fear of Mischances, and if he's a Cold, he gets himself Heat by removing an old Wood-Pile. He Allows his Servants no Candle, That they may break Glasses for want of Light, which they must doubly pay for in their Wages. His good Name always Dies before him, and to save the Expense of a Funeral for it, he suffers it to Rot and stink above ground; and when he falls Sick himself, he sends two or three Pawn-Brokers before him to the Devil for a Bribe, to use him more kindly when he shall fall into his Clutches; or in hopes he will be so busy about them, and a Rot of Stock-Jobbers, that he may be a while neglected.   

A Wheedling Cheating Scrivener.  
IS a Creature begot by a Pen, hatched in a Standish, nursed by a Sandbox, and the Wing of an old Goose will set up half a Score of ' 'em. In his threadbare Bayss Gown and Furred Cap, he looks like the By-blow of a Country Attorney, from whom he differs as a Butcher from a Tailor, or the Yeoman of the Halter from the Hangman. His Ears are the Characters of his Religion in Text-hand, and like Rotten Fruit hang so loosely on his Head, that the next Sessions-Wind will endanger the blowing them off on a pillory. With Relation to the Public he is a necessary Evil, for without him Men would become Honest Neighbours and good Friends, and then the body Politic would dissolve, being no longer compounded of Different Elements and Humours. Better Scholars there are many, but few greater Writers, and those that curse the Invention of the Press for others sakes, may more justly curse the use of the Pen for his. I should guests his Trade was of great Antiquity, since I read Indentures of Covenants made with Adam, but that we know Adam had no Money, and the Scivener would not do it Gratis. Had Scriveners been in the Antedeluvian World, the Deluge might have been spared, for Mankind would have destroyed one another, without any other help than theirs; and therefore we must not look upon them as part of the Creation, which was wholly good; But as a Surreptitious Race of Men, bred out of the Corruption of several Ages, or like some Africa Monsters, are the Amphibious Product of a Heterogeneous Copulation; or when Pawn Brokers, Tally-Men, and Stock-Jobbers, met together in different Humours, Interests and Contracts, this Jarring Conjunction begat Scriveners; who Viper like Devour their Parents, and gnaw their livelihoods out of the Bowels of those they hang upon. Methinks they being so Resty that the severest Laws can't restrain 'em from doing Mischief, they should be banished all Well-governed Kingdoms; or at least like Jews in Italy, wear a Red-Hot, or One Green Stocking for a mark of Distinction, that endangered Passengers might avoid them; for where once they get in, they spread like St. Anthony's Fire, and destroy like the Plague. Had one of these kind of Scriveners been among the Israelites, there would have needed no other pretence to have driven them out of Egypt, themselves had been the greatest punishment, and Pharaoh would have fled, and not pursued them into the bottom of the Sea. A Generation of Men more insatiate than Hell, and those that pretend to fear or honour them, are but like Men making Court to their Hangman for a more favourable Execution.  
Sometimes he plays the Bawd, and Prostitutes the same Title to all comers, and if you Fee him sound, will not stick at Mortgaging the same Estate, to seven several Lender's. Sometimes he Solders up a Cracked Title, and passes it away for a pure Virgin. If it be weak, he will strengthen it by Forgery, and secure but his Ears, his Man and He will out swear the Devil. If you would make a safe Purchase, you must spend half the Value of it in Inquiries about the Title, and when he has secured half of it to himself, he tells you it is Unquestionable. Wheresoever he finds a Flaw, it may be stopped with Money from the Adverse Party; and if both Grease him in the Fist, he will deal equally between Man and Man, and make them alike Irrecoverably miserable, drawing the Conveyances on either side so weak, and yet so strong, that neither Party shall have the Advantage; but both endeavouring to Recover what each knows to be his Own, and he to be Neither's, they at last consume their Estates like a Snowball with handling it, Spend double the Purchase Money to secure the Land, and at length the Usurers to end the Strife, seizes on that which each of them have Mortgaged, and neither of them can Redeem, and then part the Stakes, and Limn and Canton out a brave Estate like Alexander's Empire into Petty Lordships.  
If he Trade in money, his Usurer and he answer one another like the Hunter and his Dog, or like the Counter part and the Original Ipdenture, and walk up and down, seeking whom they may Devour. First he does his utmost to make you Poor, that you may be forced to address yourself to him for a Supply, which is the last Remedy, and indeed worse than the Disease. If you are necessitated to Borrow, he marches among your Neighbours, smells after your Reputation, Inquires into your Estate, and Ruins your Good name to gain you Credit. He is vigilant in maintaing Old Customs, especially that of Ten in the Hundred, and what you abate the Usurer you must pay to the Scrivener, or go without the Sum desired.  
If his Usurer and He start a young Heir, this Bloodhound is laid upon the Scent, pursues the Game, and ne'er gives o'er the Chase till he has given him a Mortal Gripe, and then like the Lion and Jackel they divide the Prey; the Usurer gnaws off the the Flesh, and the Scrivener Picks the Bones. To strike the greater Terror into the Landed Novice, he seats himself in all his Formalities, his Furrrd Cap and Gown, his Pen in one Ear, (if both are not off for Forgery,) in the midst of abundance of Write, which contain the Cases of so many Ruined persons. A Sight worse than the Gallows, and shows the Youngling what he must come to. Composing his countenance after the City cut, seriously Grave, Dreadfully Ridiculous, and most Majestical Simple; after a tedious Harangue, like a Dog making a circle before he lies down, he sets forth the great misfortune of many Young Gentleman, in falling into the hands of Knavish Scriveners, where he reads him his own Doom in the third Person, whilst he is showing him his Happiness in Lighting upon him, who is desirous of nothing but his Goods. At last he falls upon what he has most mind to, his Estate, and bids him deal truly and plainly with him, that he may do him right; which the Youngster performs very Simply and honestly, and lays open his Breast, that this Vulture with more ease may Prey upon his Liver. Having thus gently wracked him into a Confession, the Scrivener draws up a Sentence miscalled a Bond or Conveyance, and makes him sign and seal the Warrant of his own Execution, and then by Law Condemns and Executes him.  
This unmerciful Thief, like Death, spares no Body; he robs the very Beggars, and will pick a Courtier's Pocket tho' he knows 'tis the King's Money. He stretches the Law and Justice upon the Wrack, and for an hours failure seizes upon the Forfeiture. He prays for Non-performance of the Condition, that he may take the Advantage of the Penalty, and so far exceed the cruelty of that cursed Jew, that he will not only have the Flesh, but the Blood also. When you have incurred a Forfeiture, he tells you the strickness of the Law; and to be free from the Usurer, you must compound with the Scrivener, and almost pay the Penalty to be quit of trouble. All the Comfort you have left, is, that when he has bound you ne'er so fast, for Money he'll Release you; teach you how to evade the Articles he himself composed, and ne'er refuses to prove himself a Knave, when ever he can gild the Epithet.  
Thus he plays fast and lose, breathes hot and cold, and the same Devil that binds the Charms, unties 'em also. 'Tis a pretty sight to see them running about the Exchange, smelling at the Merchants, just like a Dog fawning upon some, and Snarling at others. He is one Misery after the very last, the Cause of your Ruin, and the Effect too. When all other Miseries have destroyed you, he follows as a Reserve, and after Execution will Quarter you; nay, such is your Plague, that when all the World has shaken you off, Lice and Scriveners will stick to you when you are Beggared. That you may go to Heaven the lighter, he disburthens you of your Earth, your Estate, and then persuades you out of Despair to Die, having parted with all the World, and nothing left you to forsake but your Body. For a good Fee he will oblige a Friend, and leave the intended Heir so disputable, that the deceased Testator may as soon interpret his own Mind, as the Lawyer; inserting such Equivocal Terms, as may be any Man's Will more than his that sent for our Scrivener to make it. He gins a Will very piously, and gives your Soul to God Almighty with abundance of Compliment, and of your worldly Goods he will not fail to give himself a good share, and then turns you over to the Divine, before whom he has commonly the Honour to be preferred: And there leaves you like a Christmas Box, expecting no more from you till you are broke into pieces.   

The Reverse, or the Charcter of a True Englishman, in Quality of a Statesman.  
AS a Statesman he is well Learned and Descended, a Branch of a Reputable and Loyal Family, and a true Patriot of his Country. One that loves and serves God for Goodness sake, and Honours the King as God's Representative on Earth, a Monarch that Governs England Uprightly, and prefers the Glory of God, and the Good of the People, above any accession to his own Glory. As a Counsellor he suggests nothing to the King that may look like Oppression, or by favouring any Sinister Faction, would make his Majesty appear as the Head of a Party, rather than the King and Father of All his People, who should neither know nor make any Distincton of his Subjects, but by their Virtuous or Vicious Practices, and Encourages or disapprove of them accordingly. He is as tender of the King's Prerogative, as of his own Life, Estate, or Honour: Is no less Zealous for the Legal Liberty and Rights of the People, and carries so just and Equal a hand, between Sovereignity and Subjection, as creates a Mutual Love, and an Entire Affection, without Clashing, or Encroaching upon the Dignity of the Monarch, or the Birthrights of Englishmen. He Studies for the Honour of his Country, to make the King Great, and Rich, and his Subjects the Wealthiest and best Natured People in the Worled; as the surest Defence against Foreign and Domestic Enemies. Our Statesman's Religion, is Read in the janocency of his Life, the Exactness of his Morals, the Integrity and Truth of his Words, and the Justice and Honesty of his Conversation. Bigotry, and Screwing up Forms of Worship beyond the Bounds of Moderation, is his Utter Aversion; yet is he Zealous for good Order, and Decency, and shows an Equal Love and kindness to all Good Men, that Dissent out of Conscience, and not Humour from him. To Factions and Parties in the State, he is a Professed Enemy, as knowing Unanimity and Concord, is the Durable Cement of Societies. He Recommends no Man to the King for an Employment, but upon the account of his Merits, and being Regularly qualified for the discharge of his Office, without which, the nearest Alliance and Ties of Nature cannot Bias him. He is a Stranger to the little Tricks, and Artifices of selfish Courtiers, and will either oblige a Candidate Hearty, or tell him Freely and Speedily he either will not, or cannot do it, without keeping him in a Dilatory and Expensive Attendance to his Ruin. In brief he is the King's Faithful Counsellor; the honest Man's Friend, the Poor and Oppressed Man's Advocate and Support; and the Shame and Scourge of the Double-minded and Griping Courtier. He is well read in the Policy of Nations, and by his Preventional Prudence, Countermines Plots and Conspiraces. He knows all the Maxims in Governments, but the Laws of the Land are his Rule, and promotes none but those that agree with them, and are Safe, and Honest. His chiefest Study is the common Good, and is less concerned for his own Interest, than that of all Mankind.   

A Private Subject.  
IS one that Quietly and Constantly moves in his own Sphere, without Intermeddling in Nice and Secret Matters of State, that are out of his Reach, and Inconsistent wit his Duty. That Hearty obeys the King in all his Commands, that do not Thwart the Laws of Nature, or his Country: That Honours, Loves and Defends the King's Person, Crown and Dignity, and Cheerfully contributes to the support of his Grandeur and Government: That makes his Private concerns stoop to the Public Good, and sustains those Losses with Patience, that he suffers for the common Interest. He is one that can distinguish betwixt Slavish Fear, and Religious Obedience: Betwixt the Interest and Cause of a whole Nation, and the Clamours and Discontents of a Litigious and Incorrigible Faction. A Man that will be True to his King, without being False to his God, or Treacherous to his Country, and to conclude, is One that (like the Poets Dyal) always stands True, tho' the Sun of Reward or Favour never Shines upon him.   

A Clergyman.  
IS a Holy-man in his Conversation, and gains Souls to God, as well by the Integrity of his Life as the Purity of his Doctrine. He is Universally Learned, sees with his own Eyes, and is able to Discern Truth from Error by Understanding the Originals: While others are imposed upon for want of those Lights, which a Generous Education and hard Study has Happily Blessed him with. His Religion is the Ground of his Loyalty, and the Rule he prescribes to others. His Companions are his Books, his Apartment his Study; and unless upon the Discharge of his Office, in Relieving the Poor, visiting the Sich, or Reconciling Differences among his Neighbours, he is seldom to be found out of it. His Recreations are doing Good Works, and shows the steadfastness of his Faith, by making the Holy Scriptures the Rule of his Life, and in Practising what he Preaches. He Reads before he Writes, Writes before he ascends the Pulpit, and leaves nothing to a scandalous extempore Invention. He performs the Offices of the Church with a decent Gravity, and by his own Example Awes his Congregation into a praying Professing, or hearing Posture, and puts them in mind of what they are doing. His Sermons are adapted to the Capacity of his Auditors, and he makes it his Business to Instruct, and not to Amuse or Please them. He knows sound Doctrine in decent Expressions, without Exercises of Wit is the Business of a Preacher, and that his Learning is better seen in the substance of his Matter, than in Elegant Harangues. He is a Stranger to all manner of Affectation either in his Words or Gesture, and commands Attention only by the seriousness of his Discourses, which are all ways confined to what we ought to Believe or Practice, without Wand'ring into unnecessary Disputes, or impertinent Digressions. If Providence raises him to be a Governor in the Church, he is so much the more Humbler, the higher he is Exalted; for he sees his Work and Account to be greater, and requires the Exercise of his greatest care and Industry to discharge it Uprightly. His Authority in his Diocese does not make him forget that the Inferior Clergy are his Brethren, and he treats them accordingly: And the augmentation to his Estate, reminds him that he is only a Trustee for the Poor, and must be given to Hospitality. If any under his Jurisdiction offends, and by repeating his Crimes after a Fatherly Admonition, he is constrained to punish his Contumacy, it is done with so much Meekness, as shows him necessitated to it by the Rules of Justice, and not his own Inclination to Severity; and therefore upon his sincere Reformation receives him again into his Bosom. If he has only a Competency in a single Cure, without any other additional Preferments. he lives peaceably among his Neighbours, contentedly in his Family, discharges his Duty conscientiously, and Dies much Lamented.   

An Upright Lawyer.  
IS a Man truly Learned in the Laws of the Land, and squares his Life by the Rules of Equity and Justice: That cannot be Bribed to Act unjustly, or betray his Client for filthy Lucre: That prefers the Goodness of a Cause before the Greatness of his Fee, and persuades his Client to desist, as soon as he perceives his Cause is Unjust or Litigious. A Pauper in the Right, is more Welcome to him than a Lord in the Wrong Box, and treats him as Humanly as the Richest Client. He espouses his Cause, Dwells upon the point of Right, and no Frowns, or the Interposition of a more Beneficial Cause, can make him give it over, till the Law has done the Poor-man Right, and delivered him from vexatious Delays, and the Tyranny of a Litigious and Purse-proud Adversary. He is the poor Man's Patron, the Widow's Protector, the common Friend, and Father of distressed Orphans, and the Honour of his Profession. He troubles not the Court, nor wastes their time with impertinent Address; but insists only upon what is material, and in that has the Ear of the Court, and the Satisfaction of his own Conscience. He is zealous for the Prerogatives of the Crown, and with equal Freedom and Courage Asserts the Liberty of the People, and in both the Law is the Standard. In the Church he behaves himself agreably to his Character, and the Integrity and Justice of his Life, Proclaims him Orthodox, and sincere in his Religion. In short, he is a faithful Friend, a kind and loving Neighbour; Hospitable to the Rich, Charitable to the Poor, and Beneficial to all Men: Whose personal Merits, and the King's Favour, will e'er long promote him to the Honour of a Judge, to the Satisfaction of whole Nation.   

A Learned Physician.  
IS a true Friend, a careful Assistant of Nature, and from her Indigitations, Collects a Method for his Practice. By a regular course in his University Studies, he is able to converse with the Arabian, Grecian, and Latin Physicians, his diligent enquiry into the Nature and Operations of Plants and Minerals, and his Anatomical Speculations into Human Bodies, has methodically accomplished him for the Practice of Physic, and his Degree of Doctor, is a Testimonial of his Sufficiency. He knows the value of Life, the Greatness of his Trust, and his Care is equal to the Account, he must give to God for the Death of every Patient. Physic has been too long accounted the Mother of no less monstrous a Birth than that of Atheism, and the Adage is in every one's mouth, Ubi tre● Medici, duo Athui, where there are Three Physicians, there are two Atheists; and because some Pops that wart a Name, are fond of that Ill one, our Physician by a serious religious Life, and the Exercise of Virtue, endeavours to wipe off that Scandal from the Profession, and proves from every Leaf, Herb and Flower, and the stupendious Scite of Man's compotion, that the Knowledge of Physic, and Ignorance of the Existence of a Deity, is wholly impossible, since beyond all other men they have undeniable Proofs of it. Praesentemque refert quaelibet Herba Deum. and the deeper they search into the wonders of Nature, the more will they be obliged to confess and say, This is the Lords doing. He knows he has to do with Rational Creatures, and lives in an Age not to be imposed upon by Authoritative prescriptions, or Opinionated Nestrums, and therefore proposes the Satisfaction of men's Reasons by the Rationality of his Method, before he attempts the Care of their Discases. He does not always follow the common Tract, but varies his Prescriptions accoridng to the different Constitutions of his Partients, and follows the Dictates of Nature, in all her symptomatical discoveries of Despair or Amendments. He despiseth the common Cheat, and dangerous Practice of administering Physic upon the sight of a Urinal; but will See the Patient, tho' he is sure to have scarce Thanks for his Visits, and is as careful of the Poor as the Rich, tho' at the Expense of maintaining them with Food, while he is giving of them Physic. If he is invited to a Consult, he delivers his Judgement freely, and will not suffer his Reason to be blinded by a Nominal Authority; Solid Reason is his Rule, and a well established Experience, both enlighttens his Judgement, and satisfies his Conscience. Above all things he abhors tricking Men out of their Lives; to try the Operation of a Chimerical Medicine, nor Flatters Mons hopes against evident Symptoms of an imposibility of recovering; but gives every Patient, early notice of his Dissolution, that before he leaves this World, he may be prepared for a Better.   

A true English Country Gentleman.  
IS the Stack upon which our Nobility is grafted, the Tree from which Sciens are gathered to be inocculated into the most Illustrious Families; there are none of them but owe their Originals and Bearing to the Ancient Gentry of England, and many of them are still more ancient Families, than those that have acquired additional Titles. The Gentry of England are the Treasury of the Nation, the Support of the Crown, the Safaty of the Kingdom, the Walls of the Church, the Pillars of the State, the Honour of the Bench, the Credit of the Bar, the Hero's of the Camp, the Learning of the Court, the Patriots of their Country, and the Maintainers of Honour, Arts, and Arms. In his Country Mansion House, he lives like a Petty Prince, and his own Deweans furnish his Table plentifully, with Fewl, Flesh, and Fish, and his Orchard and Garden with Flowers, Herbs and Delicious Fruits; of which few Men have more, no Man can have better. He is not plagued with a Nursery of Beggars called Footmen; does not keep an Hospital for Curs and Kites, nor a Seraglio of Where's, which Sluice the Blood and Brains out. He does not daily Muster a Regiment of Sharks, Fools, and Knaves, at his Table, which Surfeit on his Folly, and empty his Cellar with the Gluttons Prayer, God Bless the Founder; but keeps a constant Table for his Friends and Family, and unexpected Visitors can never surprise him. His kindness to his Friends, or Civility to Strangers, does never Interrupt his Devotions, and those that Sat with him at his Table, must kneel with him in his Chapel; his Recreations are generous and Manly, and he uses them for his Divertisement and his Health, but his Study is his Business. His Servants Thrive, his Tenants grow Rich, and the Poor in his Parish are employed, and well provided for. He Administers Justice with an equal hand: Honest Men Love him, and none but ill Men Fear him; he is careful in the discharge of his Relative Duties, and is a stranger to the foolish and Fashionable Vices of the Age, which consume the Bodies and Estates of all that pursue them. He neither sells nor Mortgages his Old Land, to build a New House, but resolves to leave them together as he found them: He delights in the Country Air, and Innocent Diversion, Spends his Rovenue in Hospitality among his Neighbours, and has no business in London unless his Country send him thither as a Member of Parliament, and as soon as the Session is over, he returns to enjoy himself and his Friends in the Country.  
NINIS.    

ERRATA.  
PAge 47. l. 1. for Pendantick, read Pedantic Page 47. l. 11. read to make him look like himself. Page 62. l. 11. for Watsallen, read notes … W. Page 64. l. 15. for Broken read Broking.