THE CHARACTER OF An Informer.  
WHEREIN His Mischievous Nature, and Lewd Practices are Detected.  HONI SOIT QVI MAL P PEN●E  printer's or publisher's device 
LONDON. Printed for T. P. 1675.   

A Schismatical Pamphlett.  
THE CHARACTER OF An Informer.  
AN Informer (I mean of the base sort) whose Picture only is here intended to be drawn) Is one of the Devil's Nut hooks; A Privileged Trapan, or a Common Barretor under pretence of Authority: A Pettifogging Catterpillar that scandalises the Law, by making it accessary to his Rapines and Oppressions; A new Trapp for the Tongue, that Lime-twigs all that come near him, and puts most that he converses with, on the tenterhooks of an Indictment for nothing.  
A mischievous Vermin, bred out of the Corruption of the Body Politic; that feeds (like Toads) only on Poisons, and sucks the peccant Humours so long (like a Horseleech) till he burst with Venom, or is forced to disgorge by the Emetic quality of a Halter: He makes good the old Maxim, Summum Jus, Summa Injuria; and cuts Justice's Balance to pieces with her own Sword; He talks all Law, and never troubles his head with Equity or Religion, unless it be only to suppress them, and having no Conscience himself, is resolved to be a Plague to all those that dare own they have any: He never opens his Mouth but you shall see it Lined with some old dormant Piece of P●ult●n, whom he Reads merely as Conjurers do Scripture, to do mischief with it; You would think him bred a Gla●●er, he is so apt to pick Quarrels; or some broken Merchant that his fling his Soul overboard, to make himself every way a Complete Bankrupt. He will Court a man to beat him, that he may worry him next Sessions for the Battery, and drop dangerous words on purpose to Prosecute you for Concealing them; Presentments, Citations, Warrants, Convictions, Seazures, etc. are his universal Language; and he is better acquainted with the Form of an Indictment, than his Pater Noster, for he never name; God, but when he Swears by Him.  
His Revenue consists in Action's Popular, and his whole Employment is to go a Fishing with Pe●al Statute; he thinks by that to take store of fat Gudgeons, but at last catches only a Frogg? For his malicious Project; (like Chemical Attempts of Transmuting Metals) seldom answer the trouble and Charge; and his mighty Incomes of Penalties can but just purchase Ale enough to make him drunk, and afterwards he is forced to run on Tick (at a Friends) for Coffee to make him Sober, if he may be said ever to be so; whose Hare-brained Skull is perpetually Hurrycaned with Malice, and in Child bed throws till 'tis Delivered of some New-minted Villia●y.  
There is nothing in Nature so base and Contemplable as one of his Quality; a B●m-Bailey is a worthy Gentleman to him, and the Apparator scorns his Company more than a Phanatique does a Parso●●: the Boys stare on him as a Monster; Big bellied Women are ready to Miscarry at the sight of him, and People generally avoid his Converse as they would do the Pestilence, and indeed they have reason, for he is one of Gods more grievous Judgements! Squire Keto● himself would not endure the Scandal of drinking a Pot with him, were he not in certain hopes of a future Advantage by him? A Popish Fireball Flinger is not more Hate● in the City the● he, only the Justice's C●●●●e and H … call C●ze●r, because he brings the most Jousts to his M●●l, and warrants him a Trade.  
The Wise Athenians (we read) Banish: a Coffin-maker out o● their City, because the cause of his Mirth was others sadness; what would they have done with such a Setting-dogg, (who like a Beast of Prey) lives wholly on mischief, and can neither eat not drink, without some Law be violated; so that if ever he say any Prayers, they are only that Men may daily increase their Crimes, and Act more unlawful things; that his Gains may rise proportionably. For though like a Cunning Archer, he seem to make the Public Service the Mark of his aim, yet he squints aside at his own Ends, which are the true Butt all the Arrows of his Prosecutions are shot at: He pretends himself a Zealot for the Law, And the Churches chief Scavinger; But is in truth a prostituted Varlet, and for all him. Episcopacy m●ght lie in the Kennel, and Acts of Parliament (though never so just and necessary) stop Mustard pots, If he did not hope to get a Spill by them. And for Twopences Advance, from either Geneva or Rome, I'll undertake the same Fellow would burn the Comm●● Prayer, and tear M●g●● Chart● to pieces, if he have not done it already,  
Whatever boasts therefore he makes of his Loyalty, or Orthodoxness, those that wear any Eyes about them will judge, so b●● a Man can scarce make the best Subject, and that we are like to have a Glorious Reformation▪ when open Profaneness is Imploped to Correct supposed Heresies: A good Cause is undoubtedly Scandalised by such v●l● Instruments, and could not but Blu●h to see those Prosecute Persons for Ceremonial Nonconform●●●es, who are themselves so much unconformable to all the Fundamental Laws of Religion and Morality? Does it not sound excellently to hear one of these Promoting Hectors Cry out, D●n● me, before I have done, He make all these Ph●n●tiq●e Sons of Whores come to our Church▪ and serve the Lord God gallantly. Is not this think you, A fit Agent to proselyte Dissenters? A rare Saints-Bell to Ring all into the Organs? Yet examine his Pedigree, and you must confess him descended of an ancient Stock, being the Son of Abaddon, or a natural By-blow of Belsebubs, whom without breach of Charity, we may Conclude to be the first Founder of this Order of Informants, since the Scripture reckons amongst his Titles, That of Accuser of the Brethren, Nor is he less nobly Allied, For H●nnan and Juda●● were his two Elder Brothers, and Free of the same Trade, though both Hanged, Which serves only as an Omen of what at least he deserves, though the times should prove so unjust as not to give it him. His Younger Years were but an Apprenticeship in Debauchery▪ and having by Lust and Riot, consumed his Patrimony, or what he could C●e●t others of, he now Imagines to Retreive a Fortune by Sp●r●i●g and wasting those that have been either more Pious or Industrious: He has broke oftener than a Town-Gallant has been Clapped, and followed more Tricks than a Country Mercer usurps Trades; But all failing, The Devil in pure pity wished him to this New Employ, and furnished him with a prodigious Stock of Wickedness to set up with; yet being unwilling to Trust him without Security, he freely made a Mortgage of his S●ul, and Swears he has Cheated the Subtle Fiend▪ because it was Forfeited long before. He is now as eager after his Prey as a half-starved Cormorant, and cares not though he Ruin half a Nation, to supply his own prodigalities, Being so perfectly Mercenary, That he would accuse his own Father (if he did but know him) of Treason, and burn his Mother for a Witch, to get Sixpence: He values an O●th no more than a Gamester, and swallows Perjuries as fast and as easily as a Juggler does Pins and Daggers.  
He Ferrets a Conv●ticle just as a Poll cat does Rabbits in their Burroughs, and the Rich men there skulk down in their Pews when they see him come in, dreading him more than a Partridge does a Hawk, or a City Crack a Marshal's Man. I never before knew the meaning of that Latin Proverb, Lupus in Fabula, but now I Guess the English to be An INFORMER in a Meetinghouse, for sure the sight of him is enough to make a Teacher hoarse; most of the Day he spends pera●e in blind Alehouses, and little Sallies, to discover who hath the Impudence to serve God, And before Night he is sure to be in the Crown-Office: A Justice of Peace can never be at quiet for him; and the honest Constable looks up●● him as his Evil Genius that is perpetually haunting and Egging him on to Mischief: Yet though he be thus troublesome to others, he is still his own greatest Enemy, for whilst he Designs harm to others, it redownds to himself; And Goodmen like Cammomile grows the better (perhaps the more numerous and faster) for his treading them down, He being only as a black groun● to set of the lustre of their Merits, since often tims whilst Malice seeks to wound,; it cures those against whom 'tis Levelled, and destroys itself, like the Glass that Reverberating the Serpents Poison Ki●●'d her with her own weapon.  
Just as he gets his Money he spends it, For as he takes Wages to Fight against God, so he lays it out again in the Service of the Devil, Consuming in Bawdy houses, what he gets by Surprising Meeting-houses; So that his Rapines not being able to supply his prodigal Debaucheries, and his Hellish Designs, being blasted by Heaven, He is either forced at last to cast Anchor in a Goal, or else is Mowed down as a Noxious Weed by the Sith of Justice: To which deserved F●te I leave, etc.  
I leave him, if in the mean time his guilty Conscience (hitherto▪ smothere●) do not before Revive and Condemn him, And he himself save the Hangman a Labour, by preventing Him.  — Dabit Deu● His quoque.  
Finem,