THE CHARACTER OF THOSE TWO Protestants in Masquerade. HERACLITUS, AND The Observator.  
THey are Teeming Animals, that swell with Noise and Nonsense, but only bring forth a Penny Pamphlet. No sooner is the Travel over, but the Weekly Infants are snatched from the Bosom of their Parents, and being hurried into Public, they create a Disturbance with their clamorous Shrieks. No sooner do the troublesome Brats yelp themselves into silence, and expire, but another Issue is successively continued; and if the timely Caution of a London Grand-Jury had not broke their Crain-Eggs, the numerous Progeny might have endangered the State. They are the Offensive Humours of the Body-Politick, and at last are broke out in the Itch of Scribbling. They are the fatal Dose of unqualified Mercury, that in stead of carrying away the Obstructions of the Body, strike up the Malignancy to the Head. They pretend to heal Breaches, and to regulate the State; but are as unfit, as a Common Strumpet is for a Lady Abbess, or a Novice in Military Experience for the Conduct of an Army. They arraign Officers, and cancel the very Private Acts of Magistrates; as if a Word must not be spoke, but these saucy Scribblers must make the Comment. They are two gaudy Blazing Stars, that would appear at once both Terrible and Beautiful. They are composed of the Combustible Vapours of an unquiet State, and are set afire by their own Sulphureous Nature. They would admonish and deter, yet only portend their own Fate; and whilst the gazing Multitude devoutly admire, the inflamed Jellies consume themselves, and disappear. They are the Speaking Trumpet of a designing Jesuit, and are only Instrumental loudly to proclaim what he privately whispers; but when the Intrigue is accomplished, the serviceable Utensil is laid by as useless. They'll suffer none to share in the Sense of the Nation, or in the least to pretend to that thing called Wit, besides themselves; and yet the Man that believes their Talon to be so extraordinary, must have more Faith than they have Sense, ay, to that degree of a grain of Mustardseed. They are elaborately dull: but with Industry and Toil at last they produce an insignificant Sheet; but so stuffed with blunt Raillery, and Billingsgate Invectives, that the Language of the sharp-nosed Sluts is, in comparison, modish Complaisance, and good Breeding. Take but a Pair of Oars from Blackfriars to Whitehall Stairs, and the Academy will furnish you with as much Matter as will complete a dozen of these Pamphlets, with a great deal of Applause after the Publication. The Apprentice that miscalled Haraclitus, Heteroclitus, made a pertinent mistake, and very adapt; for so irregularly doth his two Representatives Dialogize, that sometimes Jest is very severely in Earnest, and Earnest reciprocally encroacheth upon his Fellow-Babblers Prerogative, and accidentally stumbles upon a Quibble: And when the faltering Fancy of the jaded Author is at a stand, he is forced to be beholden to the Publisher to fill up the bottom of the Sheet with a Train of Advertisements. Now and then you shall perceive them nibbling at History; but you shall find more in the very Title Page of a Livy, than in a thousand of their insignificant Scribbles. They are the Weekly Fomenters of Feuds and Divisions, and prejudge all that descent from their Persuasions. They are sure that Care, Curtis, and Janeway will come to the Gallows; but I am afraid their Prophetic Faculty will fail them: so industrious was Haman to erect a Gibbet for Mordecai. They are those Sicilian Satyrs mentioned in Polybius, that in the Interludium of a Parliament do wantonly bask themselves upon the Plains, and licentiously indulge their own Brutality; but when the Season altars, and the Honourable Senate is assembled, than they dastardly return to their Caves and Groves, and are content to vent their uneasy Malice in private Ruminations. They are a Couple of Bartholomew-Fair Merry Andrews, that to incite the Charity of a Bookseller, and provoke the Reader to a forced Laughter, will Ape themselves into any Antic Posture. So beastly several times are their Expressions, and so offensive to a modest Ear, that as they have been Presented for Reflection and Disturbance, so let them be Indicted for Nuisance. They pretend 'tis their Loyal Inclination, and Duty to their Sovereign, that obligeth them to this Scribbling Diligence: But Hannibal might as well have believed▪ that Hanno was his Friend, because he publicly applauded his Actions: For what Circumstantials is there of Loyalty, where Feuds and Dissensions are fomented? They are Slaves to Interest, and have no more Loyalty than what they are paid for. They are biased by Necessity; and 'tis as easy for one that would undertake it, to turn the Current of their Ink another way, as it is for a Moneyed Man to subborn a Perjurer.   

LONDON, Printed for E. Ryddal. 1681.