Caledonia; OR, THE Pedlar turned Merchant. A Tragicomedy, As it was Acted by His Majesty's Subjects OF SCOTLAND, IN THE King of Spain's Province OF DARIEN.  
LONDON: Printed, and sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster. 1700.   

Caledonia, etc.  

I.  
A Sorry Poor Nation, which lies as full North,  
As a great many Lands which are wiser,  
Was resolved to set up for a People of Worth,  
That the Loons who laughed at Her might prise her.   

II.  
Her Sons were as false, and as apt for deceit,  
As her Daughters were ready for change;  
And if Scrubbing Scot had an Itch to be great,  
It deserved more Excuse than the Mange.   

III.  
But what means to find out, or make use of what ways,  
Was a business quite puzzled her Thought,  
For believe me 'twas no easy matter to raise  
Such indigent Scoundrels from nought.   

iv  
When (as ill Luck would have it) it came in her Head,  
To fling by her Packs and her Linen,  
And since Times had always in Scotland been Dead,  
To choose a new Method to sin in.   

V  
Her Neighbours she saw, and cursed them and their gains,  
Had Gold as they ventured in search on't,  
And why should not she who had Guts in her brains  
From a Pedlar turn likewise a Merchant?   

VI  
Her claim was as fair, and as Just was her Plea  
To the goods of this Life as the best,  
And if Sinners look green like a Fruitful Bay Tree,  
That a Scotchman should Withers a Jest.   

VII.  
Yet Mammon was false to his Worshipper true,  
And withheld from his sight what he served,  
And though he sinned on, and believed like a Jew.  
Like a Saint of a Christian he starved.   

VIII.  
However, 'twas resolved it should cost her a fall  
But her Children should prosper and rise,  
And she'd venture their Necks, and the Devil and all,  
Of what Worth, is best known to the Wise.   

IX.  
For how could she Fall who Creped on the Ground,  
And was levelled with Thistles and Brakes?  
Or what Risque could they Run who had nought to be found  
But their Necks, and their Lice for their Stakes?   

X.  
Yet, though the Base Land and her People were cursed  
With the want of Just means to get Wealth;  
Though their Fields and their Faces spoke Hunger and Thirst  
Their Hands were for Plenty and Health.   

XI.  
And if their Lean Acres ' stead Breadcorn and Wines,  
Bore 'em Oats to discover their Natures,  
And they'd nothing but Coalpits in the Room of Gold-Mines  
To show what was designed for such Creatures.   

XII.  
'Twas the very same thing since Spain and Peru  
Had abundance of what they had none;  
Can they steal it, no matter where the Mineral grew,  
Possession would make it their own.   

XIII.  
This Paterson saw, their Pastor and Guide,  
Who rejoiced such a Frolic had seized 'em;  
And flinging his Texts, and his Sermons aside;  
Left his Flocks to be damned if it pleased ' 'em.   

XIV.  
The Prospect of Gain made him off with his Band,  
And away with his Bible Geneve;  
For he had a business of Weight on his Hand,  
The Deceivers to Cheat and Deceive.   

XV.  
He had whined, and had prayed, and had taught, and had read,  
Till his Hearers were going to leave him;  
And had got scarce a Morsel to put in his Head,  
For the Deel of a Jack could they give him.   

XVI.  
When he thought it but fit, as an Orthodox Teacher  
To get rid of his Pennyless Lecture,  
And since he looked thin and had starved when a Preacher,  
To grow Fat with the Name of Projector.   

XVII.  
Wherefore packing up his Divinity Tools,  
He left Them and their Sins to God's Mercys,  
And forsaking the care of their Ignorant Souls,  
He put in for the care of their Purses.   

XVIII.  
Which no one had striven for had their Credit not went  
Pretty currant with those who ne'er knew  
The Reasons they took up at Thirteen per Cent.  
What they ne'er could repay though at Two.   

XIX.  
The People were willing, and ready prepared  
To give way to his Protestant suit,  
And greedily caught and believed what they heard,  
Though they ne'er from the Pulpit would do't.   

XX.  
Which the sly Man of Kirk having Joyfully found,  
He made use of his Wits at Command,  
And told 'em he knew of a large Peice of Ground,  
Where Gold was as Plenty as Sand.   

XXI.  
And their Title to Rule it was as firm and as clear  
As the Scots were ordained for Salvation;  
Nor could the poor sorrowful place where they were  
Be designed for a Sanctify'd Nation.   

XXII.  
' Ye are Israel's Sons, said the Scandal of Priests,  
' And Israel's Sons should be fed  
' Not with Onions and Oatcakes like a Parcel of Beasts,  
' But with Manna and good Wheaten Bread.   

XXIII.  
' Your Fathers before ye spent many a day  
' In Bondage, in Want, and in Labours,  
Till Moses got Pharaoh to send 'em away  
To the grief of their Landlords and Neighbours.   

XXIV.  
' And I weep when I think that my Countrymen's case.  
' Has so near a Resemblance to theirs,  
' That they sweat and they toil in manuring a place  
' Which has nothing to give 'em but Tares.   

XXV.  
' But if y''ll be ruled and be flexible Lads  
' In treading the Paths which I'll show,  
' And attend to good Counsel like your Israelite Dade,  
' I've a Canaan in store too for you.   

XXVI.  
' Not that I bid you do as your Fathers have done,  
' Who God help 'em are fast in their Grave,  
' But those 've no goods or effects of their own,  
' May make use of their Neighbours which have.   

XXVII.  
The words were scarce out, and had mingled with Air,  
When the People soon found what he meant,  
And as a return to his Fatherly care  
Scratched their A— says to show their consent.   

XXVIII.  
For the Reader must know that as other Folks hum  
And clap at the close of a Speech;  
So to show they are Tickled, these finger their Bum  
And lay hold on the places which Itch.   

XXIX.  
Though he well might have spared the consent which he gave  
To the giddy Felonious Rout;  
For they ne'er were yet known to stand ask for leave,  
But to take what they wanted without.   

XXX.  
As for their Relation to the People of God.  
Such a claim have th' incredulous Jews,  
And though this Alliance might look very odd  
'Twas made out by their Faith, and their Shoes.   

XXXI.  
The first was like Saul's, and breathed Famine and War,  
To the true Church of Christ and his Priests  
And the last in the Wilderness travelled so far  
That their feet were as bare as their Beasts.   

XXXII.  
But allow that for Truth which their Leader had said,  
And conclude 'em right Jews in their Hearts;  
They were downright Egyptians by the Lice which were spread  
In the midst of their other foul parts.   

XXXIII.  
Let 'em be what they would, it was the Vote of each Clan,  
They'd a right to be led by a Moses,  
And this was the Sanctify'd Tool of a Man  
Whom they'd follow next after their Noses.   

XXXIV.  
The Zealot ne'er stood like our speakers at London,  
Who bemoan their own want of deserts,  
And seem to pretend they could wish that were undone  
Which if really soed, break their hearts.   

XXXV.  
But to show that the Person they'd chosen had got  
A soul full as plain as his Phiz,  
Took the Mob at their word, for fear should he not  
And Refuse, they might take him at his.   

XXXVI.  
Yet though the Scabbed Flock would have followed their Guide  
And have ventured through Thick and through Thin  
Without any such thing as an Act on their side  
To put a good Gloss on the sin.   

XXXVII.  
He resolved he'd a Law for his purpose procure,  
And Thieve like a true Man of Sense,  
And cheating the People, to make all things sure.  
By putting a Trick on the Prince.   

XXXVIII.  
And away the Lay-Priest to the Senate-House went  
With his Mob at his Heels to stand by him,  
While he sued for their Indigent Honour's consent,  
Which nothing of Scot could deny him.   

XXXIX.  
But, Lord! What a Joy there appeared in the Throng,  
Who had hopes to obtain Transportation!  
How they anointed their Joints, and he Liquored his Tongue  
To address the great Dons of the Nation!   

XL.  
Not a Man of a Thousand of all that came there,  
But looked big, as already preferred,  
And his Shirt full of Lice and his Head full of Care  
Spoke him not a jot less than his Laird.   

XLI.  
The Senate for their part, to their Praise be it told,  
Were putting their Noddles together,  
And consulting what Freeze would best keep out the Cold  
And fence off the next Winter's sharp Wether.   

XLII.  
However they dropped their Debates, and their Votes,  
And left hearing Committee Men's Speeches  
Concerning the thickness and make of their Coats  
For a Mettle to put in their Breeches.   

XLIII.  
And as soon as they heard 'em name Gold Bars and Dust  
With abundance of such pretty matters,  
They thought it belonged to their Station and Trust,  
To get some for their Wives and Daughters.   

XLIV.  
And up risen a Sage Member, whose Worshipful Face  
Made the Saints near him almost adore him,  
And gave 'em to know he could say a long Grace,  
Had he good store of Victuals before him.   

XLV.  
With his Eyes towards Heaven, & his Heart towards Gain  
He made a long Prayer in Scotch,  
Though he might have forborn the fatigue of his Brain,  
And succeeded as soon in Low-Dutch.   

XLVI.  
Yet to show that his Parents had taken some care  
In breeding their Eloquent Son,  
And that some of their Wits were as sharp as their Air,  
And could make use of more Tongues than One.   

XLVII.  
Having pulled off his Hat, as a Man that had been  
Beyond the unmannerly Tweed,  
And had beaten the Hoof and good Christians had seen  
Who taught him to Bow at a need.   

XLVIII.  
He whined it in English to prevail for the Throng,  
As a Language of Weight and Address,  
And hating the People, made use of their Tongue  
For the sake of the better success.   

XLIX.  
Brethren (he cried) behold! How good  
The Lord is to his People!  
He on our side not only stood,  
And battered down vain Gods of Wood,  
But gave us Church and Steeple.   

L.  
Thanks to his Name, we now possess,  
Th' Effects of those we heard once,  
And have their Lands without their Dress,  
As we take pleasure to oppress  
The very Men we feared once.   

LI.  
Yet though we sinfully have spared  
Their Life, and took their Living,  
God has been bounteous still, and heard,  
Our readiness to stand prepared,  
For something of his Giving.   

LII.  
And lo! to this Good Man is told  
By Heavenly Inspiration,  
How we may wallow all in Gold,  
As our Good Sires in Dirt of Old,  
And grow a Powerful Nation.   

LIII.  
Then what avails it that 've sent  
The Singing Men a grazing?  
That Priests for want of Meat keep Lent,  
And Bishops starve in Banishment,  
Whilst we their Goods are Praising?   

LIV.  
That Surplices are out of door,  
And Liturgies uncommon,  
That now the Babylonish Whore,  
With all her Ceremonious Store,  
Is worshipped by no Man?   

LV.  
If we (t' our shame) at last refuse  
The Motions of the Spirit;  
And having any State to choose,  
And be as Rich as any Jews  
Not venture and Inherit.   

LVI.  
To be sure such a Godly Proposal as this  
Which had one of th' Elect to stand by it,  
Must needs be received, and th' Event hit or Miss,  
They could ne'er have the hearts to deny it.   

LVII.  
'Twas therefore agreed by the Saints one and all  
To consent to the Robb'ry Projected,  
And ne'er to refuse so Gracious a Call,  
But to do as the Spirit directed.   

LVIII.  
Not that I can e'er think or am apt to believe  
That the Burghers knew Paterson's Drift,  
But am told though their Tenants are Idle and thieve,  
They know how to be just at a lift.   

LIX.  
However 'twas voted that the Critical Minute  
Was come for 'em all to be made,  
And (Religion turn out) the Devil was in it,  
But Room was now left 'em for Trade.   

LX.  
A Bill was prepared with a Cartload of Clauses,  
That his Majesty might not peruse it,  
And having a sight of their Reasons and Causes  
Take advice, and go near to refuse it.   

LXI.  
This the good Prince ne'er dreamed of, or supposed the Breasts  
Of a People his Sword had preserved,  
But immediately signed, to get rid of his Guests  
Who fed in his Camp as Half starved.   

LXII.  
For the King had all manner of Reason to hope  
That they harboured no thoughts which were Evil,  
Nor imagined the Zealot, whom he'd saved from the Pope  
Were running headlong to the Devil.   

LXIII.  
'Tis not to be thought but the Deputies mad●  
All the haste that they could to be gone;  
And having ill served whom they ne'er well obeyed,  
Took Horse when their Business was done.   

LXIV.  
Though 'twas Death to the canting Wiseacres to part  
With the sight of good Victuals and Drink,  
And for actual provisions which onlived their Heart,  
Go to feed on Potentiel Chink.   

LXV.  
As for his part the Wise Lord Commissioner's Grace  
Was not the in the least at a stand,  
But called in a trice for the Sceptre and Mace,  
At the sight of his Sovereign's Hand.   

LXVI.  
And Christening the Bill by a touch to an Act  
Gave the Brat such a Title and Claim  
As it will get nothing by, 'tis matter of fact,  
While Tweedal's its Godfather's Name.   

LXVII.  
The News had no sooner reached Edinburg Town,  
And been heard by the Famishing Tribe;  
But the Realms of both Indies every foot Were their own,  
And the Country came into Subscribe.   

LXVIII.  
Not a man but would gang, and go set down his Fist,  
Marry would he put in for the Plate;  
And since 'twas nothing else but to be in the List  
He'd immediately get an Estate.   

LXIX.  
Such a number of Scrawls, and of Pot-hooks, and Marks  
No Parish beside this could boast,  
As the Knights of the Thistle, fine blue Ribboned Sparks,  
Set their Hands with the Knights of the Post.   

LXX.  
The Nobles, for want of the Ready, made o'er  
Their Estates to promote the design;  
And in Quality-Capitals owned they were poor,  
And perfectly Strangers to Coin.   

LXXI.  
The Clergy, (mistake me not) those who could read  
Sold their Calvin, and Baxter, and Knocks;  
And turn the Whites of their Eyes to succeed,  
Blessed the Pieces, and prayed for large Stocks.   

LXXII.  
The Commons to forward the Vows and the Wishes  
They had made to see Ships in the Fryth,  
Made away with their Kettles, and Trenchers, and Dishes,  
And would have made sale of their Teeth.   

LXXIII.  
But none could be found but had more than enough  
Of his own, than he well could employ;  
And all could find Grinders when few could find Stuff,  
To set 'em at work, or could buy.   

LXXIV.  
Having raised what they could, and advanced such a Sum,  
As our Parish Collectors for Dues,  
'twas adviseable thought to go farther from Home  
And get other Lands into their Noose.   

LXXV.  
And to show that the Country next to 'em should have  
The advantage of those more at distance,  
They agreed first on England, as a place where a Knave,  
Might prevail, and have ample Subsistance.   

LXXVI.  
When away the Sage Elders ' stead of Scotch Cloth & Packs,  
The Burdens they commonly bore,  
Took their Books of Subscriptions and their Lists on their Backs  
And jogged on to the Christian Shore.   

LXXVII.  
Where 'twas all things to nothing but their tricks and abuses  
Would have fingered the Bags of some Dons,  
Which had got'em fair Wives for other Men's uses,  
And foul Chambermaids for their Sons.   

LXXVIII.  
But the Parliament smelled out the Stench of the Plot,  
As the Sinners were serving there Turns  
And cautioned the Cuckold to beware of the Scot  
If he meant to keep Gold with his Horns.   

LXXIX.  
Else the Patiented Disciples of Rogers and Shore  
Had paid in the Sums they set down.  
And the sake of the Brethren and the Love of Gold Over,  
Had gutted that Sect in the Town.   

LXXX.  
As the Ptysical Saints who sat up for the Mace,  
Believed what was said, and would hear 'em;  
And a Bookseller thought to subscribe was his Place  
As he served the good Bishop of Sarum.   

LXXXI,  
As a set of Wise sparks who two Millions could raise,  
Much sooner than ever was known  
Would have fallen by another Land's projects and ways  
Who are now going down by their own.   

LXXXII.  
Such a rub in his way as a Senate-House Vote  
Was enough to have damped a Man's Spirits;  
But insolent Paterson kept his first Note,  
And stood up for the Cause, and its Merits.   

LXXXIII.  
And cursing their Wisdom, who could see through the Cheat  
Marched off with his Parchment and Scrowls,  
And endeavr'ing to shake the Dust from his Feet,  
Had like to've got rid of his Soles.   

LXXXIV.  
For he'd trotted so far on an Errand so vain,  
Where his Time and his Labour were lost,  
That to set the frail Remnants together again  
Was too hard on the Company's cost.   

LXXXV.  
The place he next fix on as a refuge for such,  
Whom no Kingdom beside would receive  
Was the Protestant Land of good natured DUCHESS  
Who without all dispute would believe.   

LXXXVI.  
On Calvin that Nation pinned her Faith and her Trust,  
And he Calvin's opinions had taught;  
Which would make for his purpose, yes in Troth that it must,  
Or the Country was running stark naught.   

LXXXVII.  
And having invented a Specious fair Tail,  
For Money to pay for their Fraights,  
He and his Comrades in an instance set sail  
To address the Compassionate STATES.   

LXXXVIII.  
Who, pious good Men, for the sake of their Land  
Are pleased to be always content  
To accept of Proposals from head or from hand,  
If the profit be Thirty per Cent.   

LXXXIX.  
But the Righteous Projector, like a true Man of Crape  
Took a Sooterkin's treat at free Cost,  
And while he blessed Heaven for the Juice of the Grape,  
In a Hellish Condition was lost.   

XC.  
And his Falsehood all drowned in the Truth of the Cup  
He spewed out his Old Kingdom's design,  
And discharging his Stomach the secret came up  
And disclosed a worse stench than his Wine.   

XCI.  
Not that those he applied to, had Stomaches so squeamish  
To grow sick or be palled at the thing,  
But a smell good or bad's never noisome in Flemish,  
And a Turd's all the same as Old-Ling.   

XCII.  
But their Magistrates thought it more Politic still  
In their deal with Neighbour or Stranger,  
Though they'd take all occasions to bring Grist to their Mill,  
To bringed, if they could, without danger.   

XCIII.  
Without any dispute our Apostle was vexed  
To see matters so damnable cross,  
However he studied from the Words of the Text  
To help those who occasioned his loss.   

XCIV.  
And since the Fleet Royal of Scotland was Ta'en  
By a French Privateer nigh the shore  
And the two Ships would ne'er ride in Leith Road again,  
That did nothing but waste the King's store.   

XCV.  
He gravely considered that the Hollanders Wood,  
Had its growth in a Presbyter Nation,  
And the Timber no question was Sea-proof and good  
Whose Owners held Predestination.   

XCVI.  
Wherefore, though he could not get in for their Gilt  
By his Subtle Delusions and Prayers;  
He ordered some Protestant Ships to be built  
That the Dutch might be Masters of Theirs.   

XCVII.  
Lest the Planks, should they come from Idolatrous Ground,  
Might give way, and the Brethren be lost,  
And those who were born to be starved might be drowned,  
And the Proverb and Doctrine be crossed.   

XCVIII.  
Yet to show that Dame Fortune could never subdue,  
The minds of a People so Stout,  
He Shruged up his Shoulders, as one who'd pursue  
What his Masters had sent him about.   

XCIX.  
But as Augurs of Old before a design  
Stood waiting the Birds and their Flight,  
And from that side they flew to could guests and Divine,  
If it was a good minute to shit;   

C.  
So the North-Country Prophet as full of concern  
As if more than the Scotch laid at stake;  
Attended devoutly for a token to learn  
If People worth nothing could break.   

CI.  
When before he could possibly turn himself round  
As he prayed for a sign to set sail,  
To his unspeakable comfort he found,  
A Louse by't the left Cheek of his Tail.   

CII.  
And Transported with Joy for the Signal, he cried,  
Heaven bids us put off from this shore,  
'Tis apparent good Luck, since he bites the lest side,  
And Fortune will thwart us no more,   

CIII.  
Which had like to ye been true, and a Louse had been raised  
To Men's Worship, as Beasts in old Times,  
Had the Hamburghers swallowed the Bait which they praised,  
And shared in their Trassick, and Crimes.   

LCIV.  
But a Resident just to the Prince and the Land  
Whose Honour and Wealth was his aim,  
Made 'em hold back their Money, though they put down their hand,  
For the sake of their Master's great Name.   

CV.  
Which the Felons made use as a Specious Disguise,  
For the Theft which was just in pretence;  
That what was found out, and refused by the Wise  
Might be caught at by Men of no Sense.   

CVI  
Having lost his Shoal Anchor, what Methods to take  
No Mortal among 'em could tell him,  
He had done what he could for Christianity's sake,  
And yet nothing but mischiefs befell him.   

CVII.  
He had sounded the Lovers of Calvin and Christ,  
But they'd nothing with which they would part;  
And neither Meeting or Church would bring Grist  
Though he did what he could for his Heart.   

CVIII.  
Poor Luther's Disciples he'd have joined with the Kirk,  
But they'd balked his Expectance and hope,  
And he must either side with the Jew or the Turk  
Or be damned and go Snacks with the Pope.   

CIX.  
This made him be , and advise his Colleagues,  
To stand by his Project or fall,  
And since they were crossed by an Envoy's Intrigues  
To rob Peter to even with Paul.   

CX.  
And taking up Money which will ne'er be repaid  
He got three of his Ships out of Trouble  
While the rest in the Ouze not in Lavender laid,  
Rotten on to show Scot for a Bubble.   

CXI.  
And to make it appeat the Projector could Swim,  
Though the Project was ready to sink,  
Homewards he sailed with his Vessels as Trim  
As if those which were in 'em had Chink.   

CXII.  
For their Part the Ships were all new spick and span,  
And had Cannon as other Ships bore;  
Which made the Scots run, Child, Woman, and Man  
At such a Strange sight to the shore.   

CXIII.  
Yet though their new Fleet made a sort of a show  
And the People took Pleasure to see 'em;  
Their Owners they sighed and asked Council to know  
Now they'd purchased 'em what to do wi' ' 'em.   

CXIV.  
At last 'twas agreed, and for certainty found,  
That whatever came of their affair;  
The Ships could but sink, and the Sailors be drowned  
Which would make things no worse than they were.   

CXV.  
And orders were given to their Servants and Skippers,  
To lose their Top sails and be gone,  
Where their Parsons, and Bibles, and Perukes, and Slippers  
Would bring 'em in forty for one:   

CXVI.  
They'd abundance of other pretty nick-nacks to truck  
And Exchange with the Natives for Gold;  
When flinging three Lice on the shore for good Luck,  
They Launched forward to steal what they could.   

CXVII.  
And being in haste for the Island of Riches  
They steered to catch hold on the Prey,  
Though that Man was happy who had Coat or had Breeches,  
To lay down for food in his way.   

CXVIII.  
Nothing Material through the Voyage fell out,  
As they tempted the Winds and the seas;  
But their Movables went without scruple or doubt  
For Provision's to Jack Portugese.   

CXIX.  
And Patersons Maiden was first brought to bed  
Of a Bastard, and afterwards Married,  
As the Fruit of her Womb, more Luckyly Sped,  
Than his Fruitless attempt that miscarried.   

CXX.  
At last the lean Fools had a sight of the Place,  
Where they starved all in steering their Courses;  
And resolving to Feast and fatten apace  
Leaped a shore all as Hungry as Horses,   

CXXI.  
When they looked, and they looked, till they looked themselves blind,  
For something to serve 'em for food,  
But in vain, they could nothing like Eatables find  
Unless they could Dine upon Wood   

CXXII.  
The next piece of Wisdom was to christian the Land,  
But their Parson● had given up the Ghost,  
And 'twas allowed of at every hand  
It belonged to grave Paterson's Post.   

CXXIII.  
Though the Saints were departed stood 'em in little stead  
In things of advice and reproof,  
But to Marry their Whores, and to Bury their Dead,  
And that was Employment enough.   

CXXIV.  
Having given it the Name of a Parent and Friend  
They entrenched it both Forepart and Back,  
Which nothing but Scot would take care to defend,  
And nothing but Scot would attack.   

CXXV.  
Where, after they'd tarried looking up to the Skies  
To send 'em down Meat and Gold Rain,  
And had wearied their hands and had tired out their Eyes,  
In delving and searching for gain.   

CXXVI.  
Two Thirds being dead, and another made Slaves  
By the Spaniard for fear of his Oar,  
They left felling Trees and ceased digging Graves,  
And cra●l●d to their Ships from the Shore.   

CXVII.  
The first Time a Scot ever wished himself home,  
For want of good Air or of Bread,  
And the last (if he's wise) that he from it will come  
On such a Fool's Errand as Trade.   
FINIS.