A COLLECTION Of the several Late Petitions, etc.  
TO THE Honourable House, VIZ.  

I. The Lady's Petition.  
II. The Bachelor's Remonstrance.  
III. The Chaplains Petition.  
iv The Poet's Proposal.  
V The Widow's Petition.  
VI An Act drawn up by a Committee, of Grievances.   
WITH An Addition, never before Printed, of a Preface and a Catalogue of above Forty Petitions, ordered to be drawn up, and Presented to the Honourable House at their next Sessions.  
LONDON, Printed in the Year, 1693.   

THE BOOKSELLER to the READER.  
THE following Papers pretend to nothing but innocent Mirth and Pleasantry, and were purposely designed to amuse the Politic part of the Town, who are still troubling themselves and their Neighbours, about matters of State and Debates of Parliament, with something in their own way, but dressed in a freer and more entertaining manner. As they bade the good fortune to be well received, I judged it would not be amiss to print them together in one Book, lest they should run the fate of all lose Papers; and after two or three days encumbering the Pocket, be thrown into a Corner, and there buried. Besides, as our Modern Divines judge of the Merits of a Cause by the Success it finds; so I, and the rest of my Brether Booksellers, judge of the Goodness of a Book by the quick Sale of it. We don't pretend to be judges of the Sense, the Style, or the Language, (except two or three of us, that, under the Rose, had better let it alone) but for all that, if a Book sells apace, and circulates nimbly, without pretending to be Conjurers, we may safely affirm, that Mercury is no small Ingredient in the Composition of it. Now these Petitions, or (with my Author's leave) these Trifles happening to sell well, I soon concluded they were good; and having gone so far in my way, it was natural to make another Conclusion, viz. That it was pity they should be lost.  
So that if any one shall ask me, Is there any Wit in these Papers? I shall reply, Sir, they sold well. Is the Language Correct? Sir, they sold well. Is the Style easy and clear? Sir, they sold well. In short, if they ask me a thousand Questions to the like purpose, that shall still be the answer. And herein I justify myself by the example of a certain Wise Philosopher, (whose name I cannot call to mind at present; but the next Preface I writ, you shall know for certain) who being asked what was the best Qualification to win a Widow? cried Impudence: What was the second best? Why Impudence: And what was the third best, Impudence still. You see the old Gentleman kept close to his Text.  
But if any Courteous Reader demands of me, And why honest Friend do you take upon you to write Prefaces? I design to tell him, That I have an hundred and an hundred Precedents in Chancery-Lane, Paul's Churchyard, and all over the Town, for so doing. Sometimes it so happens that an Author is out of the way, or out of Humour, or out of his Wits, or out of the World, and then who is so fit I pray to perform this Office as the Bookseller, who is principally concerned for the welfare of the Child; as who so fit to supply Mr. Constable's place as Mr. Deputy. But Why did you get none of your Friends to do this same  for you. Under favour, Sir, suppose I have a mind to show my Parts, who shall hinder me? or secondly and lastly, suppose I intent, one of these days, to turn Author in my own defence, since good Authors are so scarce, Where's the mighty harm done? Come, come, Taurum feret, qui vitulum tulit; the English of which is, Every thing must have a Beginning: Or he that can write a good Preface, may, in time, arrive to write a good Book.  
So much by way of J●st and Raillery; but now to be Sober: A Neighbour of mine, four or five Mornings ago, came into my Shop, and after he had shaken his Head, and turned up the Whites of his Eyes, I wonder, says he, you'll Print such dangerous things, 'tis an hundred pounds to a penny, but you are summoned before the House. No, no, Neighbour, quo I, there's no danger of that; cur Representatives are better natured than to vent their Indignation upon a little harmless Mirth; and better employed than to condescend so low as to take notice of such humble Trifles. Besides, continued I, can they be offended to see the People are still Jovial and Brisk, or to find them honestly endeavouring to turn a Penny to pay their Taxes. Well, but adds he, you have ruined yourself for ever with the Ladies, the Bachelors, the Chaplains and the Widows. Ay, quo I, if a fine Husband offends the Maids, or a good Wife the Bachelors, or an experienced Bedfellow the experienced Widows, or three Meals a day, with a skin full of Flipp or Punch, the Camp-Chaplains, I am as utterly undone as an Oyster, and not till then. Say you so, cries he, It's well it's no worse, God boy ' Neighbour; so he made a Leg and went out of the Shop.  
And now honest Reader, not to contradict the old Proverb, which says, Charity gins at home, I wish, in the first place, that I may have the good luck to sell Ten Thousand of these Petitions: And when that's done, I wish, in the next place, to meet thee, one Evening at some honest Tavern, where I design to give thee a Bottle of Wine, drink Prosperity to the King and Parliament, and smoak a Pipe together.  
Yours, etc.   

The Petition of the LADIES of London and Westminster to the Honourable House for HUSBANDS.  

WE know you are harrrassed with Petitions from all Quarters of the Nation; for to whom should the miserable Subject apply himself for a Redress of his just Grievances, but to this awful Assembly? At present you have no less than the Safety of all Europe, and that of England in particular, depending upon your Supplies and Assistance; yet you sometimes condescend to entertain yourselves with Things of far less Importance, Give us leave therefore to lay our lamentable Condition before you, and to expect a relief from your generous appearing in our behalf. We demand nothing but what is highly reasonable and advantageous to the State, nothing but what the Laws of God, Nature, and the End of our Creation plead for and next to what immediately employs your Cou●sels at this Juncture, we offer a Matter of the highest Consequence that ever came within your Walls.  
You need not be reminded with what Scorn and Contempt the Holy State of Matrimony has of late year● been treated: Every nasty Scribbler of the Town has pelted it in his wretched Lampoons; it has been persecuted in Sonnet, ridiculed at Court, exposed on the Theatre, and that so often, that the Subject is now exhausted and barren; so that if no new Efforts have been lately made against our Sex's Grand Charter, we are not to ascribe it either to the good Nature or Conversion of the Men, but only to the want of fresh Matter and Argument. What afflicts us most, is to find Persons of good Sense and Gravity, considerable for their Estates and Fortunes, so shamefully laid aside from their Duty by the feeble Sophistry of these little unthinking R●●ning Creatures; and to see that ●● fourrilous Song to the Tune of a Dog with a Bottle, shall make a greater Impression; upon them than all the wholesome precepts of the Apostles put together.  
One, forsooth, is mortally afraid lest his head should ache within a Fortnight, or so, after Marriage; and yet makes no Conscience of filling his Carcase every Night with filthy stummed Wine, which in all probability will sooner gi●● him a Fever, than a Wife confer a pai● of Horns upon him. A second professes he has an invincible Aversion to the stalling of Children, and rocking of Oracle's, though the So 〈…〉 a whole day at Wills, amidst the eternal Quarrels of the No Wit●, and the endless Disputes of the No-Politi●●●●. A third is apprehensive of the thing called Cur●●in Lectu●●●, ●s the 〈◊〉 Fellows love to talk; and yet suffer themselves to be ●●mely ●id by common, ungrateful Hackney ●rostitutes: A Fourth has a great respect to his own dear Person, and thinks a Wife will drain him to mere Skin and Bones, who for all that so manages himself, as to have occasion to visit Dr. Wall twice a Quarter. Lastly, the graver sort exclaim at the Caudles, the Pins, the Midvives, the Nurses, and other Concomitants of Wedlock; they pretend the Taxes run high, and that a Spouse is an expensive Animal; little considering that they throw away more upon their dearly beloved Vanities than would maintain a Wife, and half a dozen Children.  
These are the common Topics against Matrimony; and yet, to behold the Vanity of these Pretences, they immediately disappear and vanish, as soon as a good Fortune comes in their way. Show the Sparks but a rich Heiress, or an old griping Alderman's Daughter, and they s●on forget Curtain Lectures and Cuckoldom. Consumptions and Skeletons, Pins and C●●dles, Impertinence and Confinement, with the rest of their terrible Objections. Then you hear not a Syllable of Liberty; but oh, what a blessed, what a comfortable thing is a Wife! Nay, a Widow, though past Fifty, and as ugly as one of the Witches in Macbeth, if she has but store of Money, shall go down as glibly with them ●s the New Oaths for Pre●●●●ent at Court; without the least w●y Face or remorse of Conscience; and the vain Coxcomb's thinks themselves as happy, as if they had got both the ●●dies in their possession.  
But though the Laity, not to mince Matters, have almost universally degenerated in this wicked Age; yet we bless Heaven that our Sex has still found the Benefit of the Clergy, and that the Church men have been our furest and best Friends all along. Had not these pious Gentlemen taken pity of our Condition, how many supper annuated Chambermaid's had lain neglected, how many languishing Farmer's Daughter's gone the way of all Flesh without propagating their kind? Whatever Prevarications they have made in other parts of the Bible, we have to our unspeakable Comfort found that they have kept constant to the Text, Increase and multiply; and indeed it was but reasonable that these People who are every Moment trumping their Jure Divino upon the World, should by their own Example support and countenance that sort of Life, which is as much Jure Divino as the Priesthood.  
We never questioned, notwithstanding the unwearied Attempts of our Adversaries to render Marriage contemptible both in their Writings and Conversation, but that Nature, mere Nature without any Endeavours of our own, would have reduced the Men long since to a true sense of their Duty, had it not been for the two following Impediments. The first is Wine, which we that are Maids have as much reason to complain of as those that are married. 'Tis a burning shame, and it highly concerns the Wisdom of the Nation to prevent it, that the young Fellows of the Town should so scandalously abandon themselves to the Bottle. They ply their Glasses too warmly to think of any thing else; and if the Liquor happens to inspire them with any kind Inclinations, the next Street furnishes them with store of Conveniences to relieve their Appetite. And this leads us to the second Block in our way, which is the intolerable multitude of Mistresses, who to the great prejudice of the Public, divert the course of those streams, which would otherwise run in the regular Channel of Matrimony, As long as these contraband Commodities are encouraged or co●niv●d at, it cannot be expected that virtuous Women should bear a good Market price, or that Marriage should flourish.  
It would look like Affectation or Vanity in those of our Se●, whom the malici 〈…〉 supposes to be conversant in nothing else but Books of Receipts and Romances, to equally so experienced and learned a Body as yours is, how highly Marriage was reverenced, and how industriously cultivated by the wisest Governments in the World. The Examples of Athens and Sparta are too notorious to be long in●i●ted upon. Those were glorious Places for us, poor Women, to live in; a Man there could neither be Church Warden or Constable, nay, nor be concerned in the meanest, most scoundrel Parish Offices, unless he was married. An old musty Bachelor was pointed at like a Monster, they looked upon such a one to be disaffected to the State, and therefore as constantly indicted him every Quarter Sessions for letting his Talon lie unemployed, as now we do Jacobites, and false Retailers of News. The same Policy was observed at Rome, where the Jus T●●um Liberorum, the Privilege of those that had got three Children, was one of the greatest Favours the Emperor could bestow upon a Subject, and was courted with as vigorous an Application as a Knighthood is now adays. By th●● means that victorious City arrived to the Empire of the World; and we, if we wou'●●eat the French into better Manners, must follow the same Conduct: But it grieves our hearts to consider that in a Christian, and much more in a Protestant Country, we are forced to stir up the Charity of well-disposed Persons by citing Pagan Examples.  
We therefore humbly petition you, that for the Increase of their Majesty's Liege people, in whom the Power and strength of a Nation consists, and for the utter discouragement of Celibacy, and all its wicked Works, you would be pleased to enact,  
First, That all Men of what Quality and Degree soever, should be obliged to marry as soon as they are one and Twenty; and that those Persons who decline so doing, shall for their Liberty, as they are pleased to miscall it, pay yearly to the State, which we leave to your Discretion to make as great or as little as you shall think fit, one Moiety whereof shall go to the King towards the Payment of his Army in Flanders, and the rest be distributed amongst poor Housekeepers, that have not sufficient to maintain their Wives and respective Families, by such married Officers as you shall nominate and appoint.  
Secondly, That no Excuse shall be admitted, but only that of natural Frigidity or Impotence; which that it may not be pretended when there is no just occasion for it, and likewise that impotent Persons may not, to the does appointment of their Spouses, enter into the holy State of Matrimony, there shall be erected in every County in England a Court of Judicature, composed of half a score experienced Matrons or Midvives, who by a Writ de Maritali supellectile inspiciendâ, may summon or cause to be summoned all such people as pretend the  Excuse, or are justly suspected thereof.  
Thirdly, since it is found by Experience that the generality of young Men are such Idolaters of the Bottle, and that Wine is the most powerful Rival which the Ladies have reason to be jealous of, that no Person whatsoever shall be privileged to enter a Tavern who is not married, under pain of having his Wig and gilt Snuff-box con●scated Totie● Quoties.  
Fourthly, That every Poet, or pretender to be a Poet, or any one that has hired a Poet to write any Play, satire, Song or Lampoon, to the derogation of the Matrmonial State, shall be obliged to marry before Lady-day next ensuing, and to make a solemn R●eantation of all, and every wicked thing by him uttered in any Play, satire, Song ●or Lamp●●n to the derogation of the Matrmonial State; that all such disaffected 〈◊〉 shall be called in, and publicly buent by the hands of twelve City-Clergy Men's Wives, on next St. Fa●entine's Day.  
La●tly, that to prevent the grievous Maltitudes of, and frequent resorts to Misses and Ilulots, every Person of Quality pretending to keep a Miss, after the commencing of ●●is ●ct. shall be enjoined in order to his farther Punishment, to keep a Regiment of Foot for his Majesty's Service upon the Rhine; or in case he chooses to disband her, to dispose of her in Marriage to his Footman and Groom, and allow them wherewith to set up a Coffeehouse. And as for the Inferior F●arlots, all Justices of Peace and Constables shall c●ocute the Laws against them.  
Having thus, most noble Patriots, laid open our Grievances before you, we doubt not but you will take effectual Care to redress them Could you condescend so low as to ●ebate about making the Rivers Wye and Lugier navigable; and will you not endeavour as much as in you lies to unite the Majestreams with the Female? Could you think it worth the while to take care o● the propagation of Woods, the draining of the Fens, and the converting of Pastures into A●able L●uxl; and will you not much more encourage the propagation of Mankind, the draining of the superfluous Humours of the Body Politic, and provide that so many longing young Ladies shall not lie unploughed, unharrowed, and uncultivated? Besides there was never a sitter occasion for such a Bill, than what oders itself at present: The mighty numbers of Men that our Wars carry off in Flanders, with the little or no Increase at home to balance the loss; and what ought to be no small Argument with you, the few unmarried Sparks that tarry behind are of late grown so imperious and proud in their demands, that nothing will go down with them now but an Heiress. Here are an infinite number of Advocates to incline you to be kind to our C●use, Wit and Youth, Benity and good Nature, besides the Public Advantage, and the Protestant Religion plead for us; but what cannot fail to move even hearts of Marble, this very Petition is subscribed by ten thousand Green Sickness Maidens.  
That single Consideration, we know, will prevail with you to espouse our Quarrel' to restore Matrimony to its Primitive Splendour; and fastly to destroy Celibacy, as effectually as you have done Popery. Which will oblige your Petitioners,  
As in Duty bound ever to pray, etc.  
This Petition is Subscribed by Threescore thousand Hands, and never a cracked Maidenhead or Widow amongst them.   

LONDON, Printed for Mary Want-man; the Fore-maid of the Petitioners, and Sold by A. Roper in Fleetstreet, 1693.    

An humble Remonstrance of the BACHELORS, in and about London, to the Honourable House, in Answer to a a late Paper, Entitled A Petition of the Ladies for Husbands.  

Gentlemen,  
YOu are the Sanctuary of the oppressed; and 'tis natural for the Subject whenever he finds himself unjustly treated, to fly to his Representatives for a Redress. You that have so effectually mortified Arbitrary Power even in a Great Monarch, will certainly never cherish it in a lower Station; and this inclines us to hope that the Ladies will not find that Encouragement at your hands which their Vanity prompted them to expect Though their Petition to you speaks in a very submissive Style; yet for all that they can assume a different sort of Language in other Places. There they not only dispute the Superiority with the Men, but even pretend to the Right of Conquest over them; for their Grandmother Eve, they say, triumphed over the weakness of our great Grandfather. Adam in Paradise; and no doubt on't had insisted upon that Article before you, but that your House last week so punished the unpallatable Doctrine of Conquest, to disarm them of this illegal pretence, which is prejudicial to the Liberty and Privilege of our Sex, we have examined all the Old Records, but cannot find the least appearance to colour such a Plea. At present we shall dismiss this Point to descend into the Particulars of their Petition, and leave it to you at last to decide the Controversy now depending between us.  
They complain that the Holy State of Matrimony has of late years been very irreverently spoken of, that it has been rhymed to Death in Sonnet, and murdered in Effigy upon the Stage. Now we would not be guilty of that ill breeding, to say that the Ladies all along found the Matter, and the Satirist only found the Words. However we are assured from all hands, that those Persons who have taken the greatest pains to expose that Holy State, were all of 'em married (to prove which we could name a famous Abdicating Poet, if we were minded) and we hope the Ladies don't expect we should either defend or condemn them till we are married ourselves and consequently in a Capacity to judge on which side the Truth lies. At present we know no more of Matrimony, than a mere Land-man knows of the Sea; every Gazette tells him of abundance of Wrecks; but for all that he'll venture to Sea in hopes of making 50 per Cent. by Exchange of his Commodities.  
But to make amends for this melancholy Scene, they very devoutly thank Heaven in the next place, that their Sex found the Benefit of the Clergy, when the Laity had in a manner abandoned them. Pray, Gentlemen, observe what Returns of Gratitude the Ladies have made their best and surest Cards the Churchmen for this their Loving Kindness. One would have thought they might at least have allowed their ancient Friends the first Choice of the Vintage; 'tis no more than what the French do to the Scotch Merchants at Bourdeaux out of respect to their old Alliance; but we find no such thing Old super-annuated Housekeepers with a Maiden head defunct, and Farmer's Daughters, are the best Presents they give the poor Church; so that on this Account serve the Christian Parsons, as their Predecessors, the Pagan Priests, did their Deities, who used to compliment Jupiter with the Guts and Garbage, and reserved the remainder of the Bullock for themselves. After all, whether this happens by their own Fault, or no, the Levites are made but a civiler sort of Scavengers to carry off the Dust and Rubbish of the Sex, so that the Ladies may spare their Thanks to them if they please; for 'tis we of the Laity only that are in their Debt fo● this great Civility.  
After this, Gentlemen, the Ladies are pleased to avouch, that if it had not been for a certain damned Liquor call Wine, the Men by the mere Impulse of Nature had been long since reduced to their Duty. Here by the word Duty they plainly insinuate a Conquest; and therefore we humbly beg that their Petition may be sent to the Palace-Yard, and there served Secundum usum Sarum. In the mean time, 'tis a mystery to us what makes the Ladies vent their Spleen so furiously upon poor Wine, which by the by● never meant the least harm in its Life to the God of Love's Subjects, unless they intent to monopolise all the drinking to themselves; or else since their Sex has been so familiar with Brandy, blasphemed by the Name of cold Tea, a Jury of Red nosed Midwives have pronounced Wine to be a feeble, impotent Creature in comparison of that. They wonder why the Men should scruple to marry out of fear of Cuckoldom, and yet not scruple to drink stummed Wine for fear of a Fever. To which we reply that the Case is extremely different. Not one Man in an hundred gets a Fever by drinking; at the same time, scarce one in a hundred that is married escapes Cuckoldom. And, Gentlemen, is not that great odds?  
They would have you pass it into a Law, That every Man should be obliged to marry immediately after Twenty one; and in case he refuses so to do, to pay a good round Sum yearly for his Liberty: Though we are all of us agreed that One and Twenty is somewhat of the soon to begin at. For why should a 〈◊〉 be forbidden to travel upon the Road, unless he sets out exactly at Sunrising; yet out of Complaisance to the Ladies we are willing to let it pass, though we are certain that half the Racers will be foundered before Thirty, provided always (and to be sure they'll never mislike that Word either in an Act of Parliament, or out of an Act of Parliament) that all Virgins or reputed Virgins, who are passed the Age of One and twenty, and have wherewithal to set up some honest, well-chined younger Brother, but tarry in expectation of striking a Country Square or Alderman's Son, shall be likewise amerced the same Sum for their Maidenheads. The Ladies perhaps will here object that 'tis hard to be taxed for an invisible Estate; but we say, No. We can name them a hundred Tradesmen here in the City, that since the Revolution have paid for what they never had; those for instance that have been rated at 400 l. when they were not really worth one; and yet so valuable a thing is Reputation, whether we deserve it or no, lost nothing by the Bargain.  
They would have none excused from Marriage, but only the impotent and frigid (which by the buy, Gentlemen, is full as severe as if you should vote that all must troop to the Wars but the Parsons) and desire you to erect a Court in every County, consisting of half a score experienced Matrons, who shall have full Authority to examine all Persons whom they suspect to carry clipped Money about them, foe fear they should put upon their Spouses, when it is not in their Power to change it. Pray not altogether so hasty, fair Ladies. Let your Court have some Men in it, and not all Women: Then we may expect to have Justice done us; for experienced Matrons are too much a Party concerned to be trusted by themselves. We demand whether it be convenient that only. Vintners and A●e-Drapers should have the sole Right of determining Measures. Vintner's never think the Measures small enough; but it may so happen that your experiended Matrons, Anglice, your Midwives, may be of a different Opinion, and so think no Measure large enough. Gentlemen, do but remember the Tryers under the late Reign of Fanaticism; they were a parcel of Inquisitor-Divines set up by the then-no-Government, to licence all such Persons that were to be dispatched into the Vineyard. Now these conscientious Judges if they had a Quarrel to a Man, certainly rejected him, and put him by though perhaps he was Master of a more unexceptionable Talon than several others that had passed the Pulpit-Master before him. This needs no Application.  
They complain of the excessive maltitude of Misses and Harlots in and about the Town, who, as they express it, divert the Course of those Streams that would otherwise run in the regular Channel of Matrimony. 'Tis a sad Truth, we confess it, the number of these Interlopers is very grievous; and yet 'tis as sad a Truth that the Petitioning Ladies have occasioned it. Let them but leave quarrelling about Jointures, and carry a little more Christian Complaisance about them, and the other Fry would disappear in a moment: For Whores in a State are like Copper farthings in the way of Trade, only used for the Convenience of readier Change, But though these obdurate Females are really accessary to the great Increase of Misses, they would have every Person of Quality who keeps one in his own Defence, pay a good swinging Fine to the Government. Is this reasonable or fair? Would Governor Walker, do y● think, have done like a Gentleman if he had fined his Heroes of Londonderry for feeding on Horseflesh, contrary to the Statute, when they had nothing else to help themselves with. 'Tis the same in all Cases where there's no choice but downright necessity.  
They would have you enact, since they find Wine is so potent a Rival, that none but married Men shall have the Privilege of entering into a Tavern, that is modestly speaking, of being drunk. With all our hearts, Gentlemen, provided always that none but married Women shall be licenced to appear at the Theatre, Chocolate house, Whitehall or the Park; or if they do, that any vigorous Cavalier shall have full Liberty to carry them off, without incurring the Fate of poor Sir John Johnson.  
To present you at one view with the Merits of the Cause. The Ladies are weary of lying alone, and so are we: They would fain be advantageously married, and so would your humble Servants. The Quarrel therefore on their side is unjustly begun. They look upon us to be their Adversaries, whereas we have the same kind Inclinations to their Sex, as any of our Forefathers, the same Desires, the same Wishes, by the same Token we hearty believe they have equal Beauty, and equal, if not superior, Charms to any of their Sex before them. But as in a long Tract of Time Innovations cannot fail to start up; so the Ladies either presuming on their own Strength, or on the Inadvertency of the Men, have trumped up several New Doctrines upon us. A Courtship, as the Ladies are pleased to order it, is now the greatest Penance any Man in the World can undergo. We must swear as many Oaths as would serve one of his Majesty's largest Garrisons for a Twelvemonth, till we are believed. We must treat them like Goddesses, lie prostrate at their Feet, make Presents so expensive and numerous, that perhaps the Wive's Portion will scarce make amends for what the Mistress extorted from us. Because Jacob could serve two Apprenticeships for his Rachel, they imagine that we must do the same; not considering that the Race of the Methuselabs and Patriarches is quite extinct, and that this old Testament-Lover, were he in our Circumstances, who begin to decay at Thirty, would have taken wiser and better Measures.   

Gentlemen,  
These are our Sentiments upon this Subject: And as we don't doubt the Justice of this Honourable House, so we little question but that our Cause will prevail▪ In a Word, Let Love be encouraged, and Cruelty and Coyness be punished,  
And your Petitioners as in Duty bound shall ever pray.   

LONDON, Printed for, and sold by the Book-selling Bachelors in St. Paul's Churchyard, 1693.    

THE Chaplains Petition TO THE HONOURABLE HOUSE For Redress of Grievances.  By one of the Camp Chaplains. 


1.  
SInce the Ladies 'gainst Men  
Have to Paper put Pen  
By way of Most humble Petition,  
In hope your good pleasure  
Will once be at leisure  
To mend their now Scurvy Condition.   

2.  
And since you allow  
That impertinent Crew,  
Your Patience to weary and vex,  
With a thing of no moment,  
That has small weight, or none in't,  
But's as Idle and Light as their Sex.   

3.  
We, humble Famelicks,  
Divinity's Relics,  
In plain English, Chaplains Domestic;  
To make known our grievance  
For you to relieve once,  
On your Door do our earnest Request stick.   

4.  
Viz. Be it Enacted,  
That as we ve contracted,  
Our Salaries may be Paid us:  
That when we're dismissed ill  
We may not go whistle,  
As an ordinary Footman or Maid does.   

5.  
For as to the Land all,  
It will be a Scandal  
To see Sons of Levi go Threadbare;  
Even so to be sure,  
If the Pastor is poor,  
His Flock will ne'er greet him with Head bare.   

6.  
Next, when 've said Grace,  
Let's at Table have place,  
And not sculk among the Waiters:  
Or come in with the Fruit  
To give thanks, and sneak out,  
To Dine upon half empty Platters.   

7.  
But besides store of Dishes  
(One part of our Wishes)  
To fortify Maw Sacerdotal:  
Elemosinary Funk,  
And leave to be Drunk,  
We humbly desire you to Vote all.   

8.  
Item, Pray make us able  
To command Steed in Stable,  
When we are disposed ad ridendum:  
And if we want Boots,  
Whips, Spurs, or Sartoots,  
Oblige surly Groom strait to lend them.   

9  
Nor let our great Patrons,  
Or their ruling Matrons,  
Read the Butlers a Juniper Lecture,  
If sometimes they pass  
To our hands a stolen glass,  
Or some little Orts of Confecture.   

10.  
When long we have served,  
And Preferment deserved,  
Let's not miss of our just Expectations;  
By every Fopp's Letter  
For his Friend, that's no better,  
Or our Patron's more Block head Relations.   

11.  
For 'tis cause of grieving  
To see a good Living  
Which our Thoughts had long been fixed on,  
Be given to a Widgeon  
With no more Religion,  
And Learning much less than his Sexton.   

12.  
Nor yet let Matrimony,  
The worst sort of Simony,  
Be the Price of our Presentations:  
Nor to wed a cast Mistress  
When she's in great distress,  
Our requisite Qualification.   

13.  
And if't be our chance  
To serve against France,  
At Sea, on the Rhine, or in Flanders:  
We earnestly sue t' ye,  
That exempt from all duty  
We may Dine with our Pious Commanders.   

14.  
Then Brandy good store,  
With several things more,  
Which we Sons o'th' Church have a right in:  
But chief w' entreat,  
You'll never forget  
To excuse us from Preaching and Fight.   

15.  
Let not a Commission  
So change the condition  
Of him that just carried a Halberd;  
That a Dunce of no Letters  
Should Hector his Betters,  
For truly we cannot at all bear ●t.   

16.  
Nor when the War's done,  
Let's be broke every one,  
To languish in Rags and lie idle;  
Nor be so ill served,  
To be left to be starved,  
And kept by a Bear, and a Fiddle.   

17.  
May it therefore you Please,  
For your own and our Ease  
To relieve us without hesitation:  
For the Grievances told,  
Are as frequent and old  
As any besides in the Nation.   

18.  
Then on us take Pity,  
And choose a Committee,  
Let no other Business prevent ye;  
Our request do not spurn,  
Nor Vote it to Burn  
With a Nemine Contradicente.   

19  
To this if you yield,  
Our Mouths shall be filled  
With Encomiums of your Piety;  
Whose excellent Fame  
We will loudly Proclaim  
And worship next that of the Deity.   

20.  
When thus you remove  
What we disapprove,  
We all, down to Z from the Letter A;  
By Night and by Day,  
Will fervently Pray,   
As in Duty bound, &c a.   

LONDON, Printed for the use of the Petitioners; and sold by Tho. Ranew in Fleetstreet near Temple Barr. 1693.    

A PROPOSAL OF THE POETS To raise Their MAJESTY'S A Sum of Money.  
Humbly recommended to the Consideration of the Honourable House.  

AT this critical conjuncture, when every good subject ought to set his Hand to the Blow, and use his utmost endeavours to support the present Establishment, we have not been wanting in our respective Stations to show the sincerity of our Affection to it. As Fight was never the Talon of our Tribe, we don't pretend to have obliged the Nation that way; nor dare we own ourselves guilty of much praying, for that too is out of our Sphere; but with what alacrity and cheerfulness we have drawn our Pens in their Majesty's quarrel, let Paul's Church Yard and Westminster-Hall speak. No sooner is any Victory gained by our Forces in Flanders, but we take the Hint immediately, and Record it in Metre: Nay we may without vanity affirm, that could Rhyming have done the business, the English had long ago beat their Drums through Paris, sent the mighty Monarch to Grass, and reduced the Lovure and Versailles to Ashes. What is a farther indication of our good will to the Government, we have not only only rhymed but prophesied for it, and if in the heat of inspiration we have laid the Scene of Conquest somewhat too early, and foretold Triumphs that did not happen at the time appointed, 'tis an error on the right side, and we hope the Kingdom will as readily excuse it in us, as they have done some modern Interpreters of the Revelations, who out of their great zeal to the Protestant Cause Prophesied the utter downfall of Antichrist would certainly come to pass last year; tho' to our great sorrow we all see that the Man of Sin is still alive and lusty, and in all probability will not be induced to break up House-keeping under two or three year more.  
Gentlemen,  
You have made us happy under a victorious Prince, whose immortal acquisitions employ our Muses daily. You have preserved our Religion, and 'tis certain we Poets have a regard to that above all things; you have likewise secured us in our properties, and how deeply that point concerns the Sons of Rhyme and Harmony we need not mention. For this therefore, and several other important considerations, our Fraternity at the last general meeting, after having considered of several ways to express their gratitude, did unanimously resolve to do what none of their Predecessors ever dreamt of, and in case your illustrious assembly shall think fit to approve of the proposal, ●ffer to raise his Majesty six hundred thousand pound, and that too out of the Territories of Poetry. And tho' as all our ancient Papers inform us, Parnassus is Apollo's peculiar, and never paid a farthing to any Government before, yet to testify our Loyalty and Acknowledgement for the mighty things that have been done for the Nation of late, we shall cheerfully contribute all that in us lies, to the ease, benefit and advantage of the public.  
We need not remind you that Poets in all Ages and Countries of the World have been the sole dispensers of Fame and Glory. Now this being an Heroic Age, wherein every person is ambitious of Glory more or less, and yet would rather purchase it with his Money at home, notwithstanding the present scarcity thereof, than acquire it by his Merits abroad, we humbly crave leave that under your authority and protection we may be empowered to Erect a Glory Office in all the principal Corporations and Towns in the Kingdom.  
We have so contrived matters that this Office shall hook in all sorts of Customers, Lords and Peasants, Court Ladies and Milkmaids, Clergy and Laity, in short, the whole populace, by what Names or Titles soever dignified and distinguished.  
As there are Masons in the City so dexterous at their Trade, that they can build a House to last precisely the time you covenant for, nay can so contrive matters, that the Roof shall tumble the very minute after the Lease is expired: so in our mystery we have Brethren that can write for a Day, for a Week, for a Month, for a Year, and so till Doomsday if the Chapman will go up to the price of it.  
In Grub street they seldom write for above a Week. Some of the better sort in Paul's Cha●ch yard and about the Temple, with good looking after may last half a dozen years and upwards. The Wits of  hold a shorter or longer space, according as they mix their colours, and some few among them pretend to confer immortality, and to endure for ever.  
Now in proportion to these different Talents of Writing the several prices are to be regulated. Inferior persons may have their Twelve pennyworth of Glory, (and under that rate we are agreed to fallen none) and because Glory of that cheap composition cannot be supposed to keep long, we advise them to renew it twice a year. This branch of the Revenue is to be managed by the good people of Grubstreet, and the Commodity thus retailed is chief calculated for the Meridian of Dutch Troopers, Prentices, Milkmaids, Porters, Footmen, Farmer's Eldest Sons, and Semstresses.  
The middle sort of Glory from half a Crown up to twenty Shillings is to be distributed by the City Poet for the time being, and his assistants. And this may indifferently serve Vintners that can palm a new Wine upon the World, Physicians that have broached a new Religion, poor townsmen's Daughtets that have snapped an University Fortune, Country Attorneys that can set a whole Corporation together by the Ears, prolific Divines that to their great renown have pvissantly begotten twenty Children, projectors of Pacing Saddles, and all such useful inventions to the public, Schoolmasters that have floged their thousand younger Brothers that have stole great fortunes, puny Tradesmen that from Pins and Pack-thread have scuffled their way into a Common Council-ship. And not to mention any more particulars, all people of middle condition who have done any thing famous and remarkable in their generation.  
The highest pitch of Glory, going under the name of Elixir Immortalitatis will be only sold at Wills Coffee-house in , and will make the purchasers free of Epistles Dedicatory, Panegyrics, with the great privilege and emoluments thereunto belonging. The price of it is just twenty Guineas, (wonderful cheap all things considered) and we doubt not will draw in infinite numbers to bid for it, such as Favourites and Courtiers, who would rather buy glory at any rate, than put themselves to the expense of obtaining it by their own deserts. Penurious Aldermen who having no inclination to purchase reputation by building of Almshouses, may here get it at a cheaper rate. Lord's Pages that have advanced themselves to a Sea Commission, but have a mortal aversion to Wooden Legs. The fine dressing talkative Sparks of the Town that take Garrisons, and model Kingdoms over their Claret. In fine all those persons who have a passion for Fame and Glory, but cannot be persuaded to sacrifice their ease, and pleasures, or venture a broken Shin for its sake. The only fear is, that to save charges some thrifty people will turn Poets in their own defence; but this inconvenience may easily be obviated by constituting a Supreme Office here in Town, which shall have full Authority to place and displace as they shall see fit, and likewise to regulate the numbers of the City and Country Poets, as they have prudently done the numbers of Chairmen at Whi●e▪ hall.  
We humbly conceive that the revenue belonging to this Office will in a years time with prudent management raise if not the whole, yet at least four parts of the sum proposed. However if it should happen to fall short of what we expect (for since the Gentry in two Welsh Countries have lately renounced their Gentility to save twenty shillings a quarter, we may probably imagine that some persons for all their pretended Courtship of Glory will rather let it alone than turn purchasers) it cannot fail of being made up by the following expedients. We therefore desire that an Epithalamium Office may be erected somewhere near the Commons, were all people that pay Scot and Lot to the Parish may be obliged to come for their Wedding Ballad, (without which no Parson shall offer to Marry them under penalty of incuring a Poetical Censure) and that they shall pay either according to their quality, or the goodness of the verse. In the second place we propose an Elegy-Office, where not only Epitaphs of all sorts may be had (without which it shall not be lawful to bury the party deceased) but also Funeral ditties upon Lady's Lap-dogs, Parrots, Monkeys, Lord Mayor's and Alderman's Horses defunct: adjoining to which may be a Nativity-Office, where the Children of all such Parents that are qualified as above mentioned, may have their Nativities Registered in Rhyme, and their Fortunes told into the bargain, which last favour will save their Friends the expense of going into Morefield, or to Dr. Saffold's worthy Successor. For be it known to all the World, the Astrologers interlope upon the Poets, when they pretend to Prrophecy.  
These Offices you may order to continue so long as the War lasts, whereby their Majesties shall receive six hundred thousand pound yearly. We need not say any thing of the Circulation of Wit, the employing of many indigent persons, and lastly the great encouragement of the Paper Manufacture, all which will by this means be promoted and advanced. We only presume to lay our proposal at your Feet, and subscribe ourselves Your most obedient Servants the Poets.  
We have ordered the City Poet, who drew up this Proposal, to communicate this design to our dear Brethren the Poets of Holland, and to the rest of the Confederates whom it may concern.   

London, Printed ●or the Assigns of Mr. Jordan and Tubman deceased.    

The Petition of the WIDOWS, in and about London and Westminster for a Redress of their Grievances.  By the same Solicitor that drew up the Petition for the Ladies. 

LAst Week a Petition subscribed by the unmarried Ladies came before you, and what reception it found yourselves know best. 'Tis true we wondered to find an Army of Maids, from whom the World usually expects modesty and silence, so emboldened on the sudden as to petition for Husbands, and that in the face of the World. Widow's indeed who lie under no such Restrictions, are allowed in all Countries to speak for themselves; and 'tis but reasonable we should, for few besides will submit to the Trouble. 'Tis our Privilege to be obstreperous when we are not heard; and there is one of our Predecessors upon Record in the New Testament, who by Virtue of her everlasting Clack, forced an old musty Gentleman of the long Robe at last to grant her Request.  
Now Heaven be praised, we are not unacquainted with Mankind, which the Maids, we suppose, won't pretend to; and therefore may appeal to them without infringing the Rules of Decency: We have seen them in their best and weakest Intervals We know what Weapons they carry ●bout them, and how often they can discharge in an Engagement. We have in our times had very severe Condicts with them, and sometimes they were uppermost, and then they fell on like Thunder and Lightning; but for all that your Petitioners obliged them soon to quit the Field, and leave part of their Ammunition behind them. Give us leave, good Gentlemen, to talk of these our Combats; for we always fought upon the square, and therefore have no reason to be ashamed of a recital. As we hinted to you before, we have been concerned in several fierce Engagements, and the Men played their Sharps against us when we cou●d only produce Flats on our side; and, besides, they drew their heavy Canon upon us, while we were forced to lie by and receive their shot. After all, though we were so disadvantageously set upon, and the Blood shed that happened in these Occasions was always on our part; yet when the Fortune of the Battle began to change, and declare herself in favour of us, we never treated them otherwise than Christians; we never nailed up their Canon when we had it in our possession, so to render it unserviceable for the future, but gave them time to recover breath again, and furnish themselves with a new Train of Artillery: Is not this a generous and honourable way of treating an Enemy? In short (the Devil take that Word short, for your Petitioners mortally hate it) But in fine, we have been intimate with the Men, and the Men have been no less intimate with us; but what is the chief Errand that sent us here, we have every Woman of us buried her respective Man.  
Not that we value ourselves upon that score, for God forbidden we should; but Widows will speak the Truth let the consequence be what it will, and should you make ten thousand Acts to oblige us to hold our Tongues, it would signify just nothing, we should break them all in a moment, and that with as much Alacrity as the Vintners in Town daily break the Adultery-Act. Well then we have all of us buried her respective Man, which we mention not, Heaven knows our Hearts, out of Ostentation, but with due Grief and Sorrow. We know a Man's value too well not to regret the loss of so serviceable a Creature. We had all of us good able Husbands, at least we'll say so now they are gone; and though perhaps we had some reason to complain of them when they were alive, yet we forgive them all their Faults and Infirmities, for that single good natured Act of dying, and leaving us once more to ourselves.  
The foolish People of Athens after they had lost a good King, would have no more of the kind, forsooth, lest a bad one should succeed him. But your Petitioners are not such a scrupulous sort of People: We that have had good Husbands, are encouraged to try once more, out of hopes of meeting the same Success; and we that have had bad ones, are not for all that deterred from Matrimony, but hope to mend our hands in a second Bargain. After all, should we be deceived in our Expectations, the first may afford to undergo a little Penance since they were so happy before; and the latter being accustomed of old to bear Burdens, are therefore the better enabled to support themselves under them.  
The Body of your Petitioners (for after so much Preface it is high time to come to business) consists of four several Classes; viz. the old Widows, the young or middle aged Widows, the rich Widows, and the poor Widows, and each of them presents you with a different Petition.  
To begin then with the old Widows, (and that pre-eminence is due to them upon the score of their Age and Experience) they humbly supplicate that you would he pleased to take their miserable Condition into Consideration. Old People according to the Proverb are twice Children; What wonder is it then if they still have a hankering after Childish Play-things, and long to have their Gums rubbed with Coral? Pray don't mistake them, good Gentlemen, they mean it in a lawful, Matrimonial Sense, and hope you will not censure or think the worse of them for using this Freedom. They appeal to all the World who it is that most stand in want of warm, comfortable things, the young or the old: That 'tis the greatest Charity to relieve the last, needs no formal proof, all the Hospitals in the Kingdom speak as much; but alas in this uncharitable Age they don't expect to meet with many Friends. Upon this Consideration they entirely submit themselves to the Mercy of the House, not presuming to carry their Petition so high as to request you to force people to marry them; but only that you would recommend their Case to the benevolence of those Persons, who having lived wickedly and at large all their Life-time, are willing to compound for their Sins, and do Acts of supererrogation in the last Scene of it. Nor are they difficult in their choice, they will sit down content with any thin; and Cripples with Wooden Legs will be cheerfully pertained if they have received no damage in the distinguishing part.  
Next to these come the rich Widows, and they earnestly beg of your Honourable House that you would make it Felony without Benefit of the Clergy, for any one to make Court to them before the mournful Twelfth-month is expired. They are so perpetually pestered with Suitors of all Complexions, that they can neither eat, nor sleep, nor pray for them. A new Favourite has not more humble Servants in a morning at his Levee nor the Commissioners of the Payoffice a greater crowd of surly, grumbling Seamen than they have. Nay, some of their passionate Admirers have had the Impudence to accost them upon this Chapter as they have been following their Husband's Corpse to the Grave, in the very height of their Sorrow, and in the midst of the Funeral Pomp, If you think it too severe to make it Felony in Persons so offending they desire you to commute the Punishment, and oblige every Person trespassing after that m●nner to marry some poor Widow as fancy inclines him; Which is all the Favour that the poor Widows beg at your hands.  
And now comes up the main Body of the young and middle-aged Widows, who as they are by far the most numerous, especially since the Wars have made such havoc among the Husbands; so they crave leave to lay their Petitions at your feet. But before they do that, they think it convenient to remove all those popular Slanders and Objections, which ill natured People have been long accustomed to levelly against Widows in genera; and because their Adversaries shall have no reason to complain that their Arguments are mangled, they will urge them as home as either themselves or their best Advocates could do it for them.  
'Tis in the first place pretended that Widows want several of those Recommendations that set off the Sex, and particularly a Maiden head, without which no Wife they say can be acceptable; that they are still trumping up Stories of their former Husbands, purposely to confront their new ones, and so excessively talkative that nothing but Deafness is an Antidote against the Noise; that marrying a Widow is like splitting upon a Rock where others have been ship-wracked before. After this they run the Metaphor into Long-Lane, Second-hand Gloves  of another's wearing, and the Lord knows what impertinent Stuff: But we shall answer them all in order.  
To begin then with the loss of a Maidenhead, about which they make so horrid a Clamour, we could tell them sad Stories of several of their Betters that on the Wedding-night have satified they have dug up this same Chimerical Treasure, though it was stolen many Months before: my, we have a hundred and more of our Company here, that if occasion were, cou●d attest this upon their own personal knowledge. So certain it is that the nicest Critics among the Men may be as easily imposed upon in this Affair, as your pretenders to Antiquity in counterfeit Medals. But if no Woman can please them without this imaginary Wealth (and indeed 'tis no more, for most People take it upon Trust) we see no reason why a young Widow may not be as capable of obliging them as the best Virgin in the World. 'Tis but using a few Astringents before, and, at the critical Minute, crying out, Fie, Sir, pray, Sir, will you split me up? will you murder me alive? Can you take any pleasure in what is so painful to another? And the Sparks are satisfied they have made a real Sacrifice, though in Truth no more Blood was shed in the Encounter, than we see upon the Stage when one Actor kills another. If this is their dear Diversion (and by the buy 'tis a sure sign of their ill Nature that they cannot be pleased but at the expense of the Party, whom they pretend to love so dearly) rather than lose them, we promise them to howl, and sigh, and roar every Night in the Year, as hearty as an Ox, when he's led to the Slaughter-house, and so entertain them still with the Ceremony, at least, of their dearly beloved Maidenhead.  
In the next place why should we not permitted to refresh the Memory of a dull lazy husband with the noble performances of his Predecessors. The men in K. Charles the Second Reign took the liberty to talk of the Glorious Conquests of our former fight Monarches, and yet for all that thought themselves as good Subjects as any in the kingdom. If the reproof is just where a God's name lies the harm, and surely the Wife must be allowed to be the best judge of that affair. Oh no, say they, 'tis not the Horse but the Man that best knows whether he rides easy. Content: But does not the Horse likewise know whether his Rider carries true Horseman's weight, and whether he sits even in the Saddle. If not, why would Bucephalus suffer himself to be backed by none but Alexander the Great?  
But then we are excessive talkative. So are they, and so are most of our Sex, but especially the longing Maids, and under correction, if it is a Sin we are of opinion it sits better upon us than upon them. This is not all, Marrying a Widow is like splitting upon a Rock where others have been Shipwrecked. Well, we are glad however 'tis like something. But since one simile is boast driven out by another. Why not, like drinking in a room where some honest Gentleman has made merry before. Since nothing will go down with these Squamish Creatures in the Matrimonial way but a spick and span new Virgin, we wonder why they don't keep up the frolic in every thing else; why as often as they drink they don't call still for a Virgin Glass; why they don't every Meal call for a Virgin Plate; why they don't still pull out a Virgin Snuff-box, lie in Virgin Sheets, talk Politics in a Virgin Coffee House, and pursue their dearly beloved variety to the end of the Chapter Lastly, their indignation rises at the thoughts of Long-lane, and all Second-hand things whatever. If the Sparks are resolved to be true to their Argument, we are well satisfied they must even say good night to all thinking and writing and talking: For at present they Tniak at Second h●●d. and Writ and Talk at Second hand, and this objection, as terrible as it looks, is a thread bore weather-beaten Second-hand Objection with a witness.  
A late Monarch of happy Memory, who was inferior to none but Solomon in Natural Philosophy, and chief in what relates to our Sex, was often heard to say, that getting of a Maiden Head was a drudgery fit for none but Porters, We save all that I●boar and pains, for there needs no great trouble to enter a City when a Breach is once made in the Walls, and our Husbands have that satisfaction as to see their ground ploughed up ready to their hands. To conclude ●ll, a Widow is a tried Gun, and carries the Tower Mark upon her; now who knows but a Maid may split in the proving.  
Having thus justified the State of Widowhood against all the objections that are used to be made against it we have nothing more to add but that you'd be pleased to give your consent to the three following Articles.  
First, That all Persons who are not of known parts and abilities, may not only be rendered uncapable of marrying Maids or such as are reputed Maids but consigned to the choice of Widows only. This we request not so much for our own advantage, as for the ease of the Men; for you know several people can make a shift to keep the King's high way, that are not able to leap a Ditch or break open a Quickset.  
Secondly, That all Persons resolving to marry before the age of twenty one, if they have made no Natural Experiments before that time, shall be likewise obliged to take a Widow, as they do Pilots in difficult or unknown places. 'Tis an ancient but well grounded complaint, that where two M●den Heads meet they produce nothing but mere Butter Prints, addle-pated Fops, and dull senseless sleepy Boobies. Now if you pals this into an Act, in all probability it will contribute much to the improving of our present degenerate Race, and certainly if ever we wanted solid heads, 'tis at this conjuncture.  
Thirdly, and I 〈◊〉, That all Widows during their Widow hood may be excused from the Taxes, for is i●●●t hard, good Gentlemen to pay four Shillings in the Pound for empty Houses. We hope you will consider farther of these our reasonable Supplications.  
And your Petitioners as in Duty, &c  
FINIS.   

London, Printed for the Use of the Wide— o's, 1693.    

A New Bill drawn up by a Committee of Grievances, in Reply to the Ladies and Bachelors Petition and Remonstrance, etc.  

Virgin's and Bachelors, or rather Ladies and Gentlemen (for that is your safer name, and so we would advise you to title yourselves) we have received both your Addresses, and both your Suits lie before us. We confess that, to do you equal right, you both plead strongly, and pray hearty: However, the fervour of the Suppliant does not always argue the honesty of the Petition. The most unreasonable most unjust things in the World may be as vigorously prayed for as the best. A man in his angry moments may as zealously wish to see his honest Neighbour hanged, as he ever wished in a fit of Sickness to be saved. The same Tradesman's Wise that at Morning Service could think of nothing but Abraham's bosom, before night perhaps has altered her note, and prayed with greater vehemence to meet her Gallant.  
The Merit therefore, and not the Oratory of the Plea is the business of our Examination. But before we descend to particulars, we must so far join with you, to own your Cause (that we may use your own phrase) a matter of the greatest consequence that ever came within our Walls. For Hymen and Love, Generation and Progeny, the fulfilling of the great first Commandment, Increase and Multiply, is indeed an Importance so high, that not only the present Race of Mankind, the now occupants of the World, but even the yet unborn are concerned in it.  
Having therefore duly weighed the whole Controversy between the Petitioners and Remoustrancers, we must declare our ready tenderness, and without partiality, favourable Inclinations both to the Complaint, and Complainants, the aggrieved Petitioners. For having considered, that long Customs out of the memory of man, are by the British Constitution equivalent to the most binding Laws; we find upon search that England has been always the Heaven of Women, and also by another customary female Claim, that a Woman never loses her Honour; and consequently that the practised Deference and Complaisance to the Sex is an unalienable Right: Upon the said premises duly considered, as we sit here not to destroy Fundamentals, but to support 'em, we must allow a great many unquestioned Prerogatives as their just and natural Right; a fair Magna Charta on the soft Sex's side.  
Nevertheless, not to come to any Conclusive Determination, Causa inandita, we think it highly consistent with our own Honour and Justice to discuss the main points in dispute between the Ladies and Bachelors, before we come to any final decision on either side.  
First, than we cannot but take notice that the Bachelors very unjustly charge the Petitioners with Difficult Courtship; the pretended Servitude of tedious Jacob-Prenticeships, etc. being in the whole a most notoriously false and malicious suggestion. For how can any man in his right wits believe that ten thousand Green-sickness Maidens, subscribers to the Petition, can be those hardhearted slow Rachel Mistresses (as if Life, Health and Love were so little dear to them) that they would rather die Martyrs to Oatmeal, Loam and Chalk, ●han accept such able Doctors and such pleasant Physic for their Recoveries, in that only Elixir Vitae, Man and Matrimony.  
Nay, do not the whole Body of Petitioners most frankly and generonsly avow ' (both for their Majesties and the Nations Service) their ready Inclinations and Desires of recruiting the yearly Flandrian Mortality, by an immediate Consummation and Propagation. Is not the fair Festival-sheet hung out, with all the heartiest Bridal Compliment, of Wake Sleepers, rise and eat? And can the ungrateful Bachelors talk of Seven years' Courtship after such indearing Invitations! But however, if by chance, once in an Age, they meet with a thick-shelled bitter Almond, must the generality of the Sex, the tenderer Pistacheres, requiring hot half the cracking labour, and with ten times the sweeter Kernel, be falsely reproached and reviled?  
And whereas the Bachelors ridiculously object their fear and dread of entering into the Matrimonial state, from the suggested Erailty and Brittleness of the weaker Vestels: to obviate the folly of that Fear, and the shallowness of that argument, we declare, Nemine contradicente, the fair Sex, (not to diminish their value) to be true precious Porcelain, and it lies only in the gentle usage and tenderness of the handling, to preserve 'em.  
And we farther declare this Petition of the longing Ladies, notwithstanding the scurrilous Bachelors ridiculing and censorious Reflections, to be as honest a Supplication, as a Prayer for daily Bread. for every Thing would live.  
And whereas one great Bar to Matrimony, are the common pretensions of Good Husbandry, in choosing rather to buy at Hackney, than keep a Milcher of their own; us thereby endeavouring to avoid the Expensive Concomitants of Wedlock. Now as these unthinking Remonstrancers never consider the dangerous Risks of their own Latitudinarian principles and practices, in incurring the hazard of coming to Sassaparilla and Guiacu●●, and the rest of the dry Drugs, infinitely more expensive than the objected Matrimonial Sweetmeats and Caudles, Gossip and Christening, etc. the Confectioners a much easier than the Apothecary's Bill, and one Dr. Wall a heavier incident charge than two Chamberlains.  
We therefore think fit to lay before their Eyes the too common and too threatening malevolence of th●se malignant Ascendants, viz. Venus in the lower House, and Mercury in the upper one; and withal advise 'em to reflect that the Nursery of a whole Fireside is not half the expense of rearing of galloping Runners into standing Gouts. We could likewise further convince 'em, that the universal havoc of all the Maims and Cripples, from French Chain-shot and Splinters got betwixt Wind and Water, is much the vaster Hospital Rent-charge, than the Pensions of Chelsey and Chattham.  
However, if no Counsel nor Precept can reduce 'em from their infamous Reprobation to the honourable state, we hereby enact this punishment of their Apostasy, That they live in their sins, and die in their shame; and as the last public brand, be utterly debarred even that common Civility of bribing the Searchers, and softening the Bill of Mortality, by slurring a shamefaced Consumption upon a scandalous Rot.  
But to begin our Examination into the Petitioners greatest and loudest congued Grievance, the Multitude of Misses; and all the fatal Influences from those reigning Ascendants; that not only (as the Petitioners modestly complain) divert, but (as we may safely add) poison those wholesome streams which would otherwise run in the regular Channel of Matrimony; we shall here subjoin our Power and Authority for accomplishing a thorough Reformation in this particular; with the following Inflictions and Punishments for the discouragement and suppression of the said notorious Vice and Enormity.  
Whereas therefore, to the scandal of the Age, it has been too often experienced, that witty and beautiful Spouse has been abandoned for hard-favoured dowdy Miss; under no other shadow of excuse, than the pretended discovery of having found a Fiddle abroad, and therefore slighting the unmusical Instrument at home; Now in utter detestation of such abominable pretences, and such unnatural Conjugal-Abdication, together with the manifest Justice of Lex Talionis, we do hereby Licence and Authorise the aforesaid fair Abandoned (as well for the Alleviation of doleful Widowed nights, and Virgin sheets; as for the support of the Family, possibly in no small danger from such neglect and Defertion) to borrow the Assistance of some dignified Younger Brother, to raise Hei●, etc. without inc●r●ing the Praemunire of Elopement; or upon Non-Readiness and Failure of such honourable supply, to have free leave to take up with some courser Domestic Men●al, though but to the homely Tune of Drive on Coacbman.  
And in like manner 'tis Resolved and Ordered, That all those Ramblers and Strays under that misleading Ignis Fatuus, the sweet sin of Variety, that shall therefore grasp at outlying Pluralities, though possibly, naturally so weak-gifted, as to be scarce sufficiently qualified for due Incumbence at home, shall for the said wilful offence of Non Residence, incur the Penalty of Sequestration, to be supplied by a Curate, from the choice of the Parish.  
And whereas the fair Complainants too loudly inveigh against their powerful Rival Wine, and the present too spreading Idolatry of the Bottle, and the dangerous concomitants thereof; which the Bachelor's endeavour to soften and sweeten, by insinuating the Juice of the Grape no ill-meaning Enemy to the God of Love's Subjects. For adjustment of the Dispute, be it resolved, That Wine be no farther encouraged than as Amorum famulus, a good Servant but a bad Master; to be indulged and cherished as a moderate Grace-cup, to make Love chirp, but not sleep; and be used for Sauce and Relish, not  Souse and Pickle. Be it therefore enacted, That for due punishment of those violent Claret-hunters, that by abuse of this lawful and limited Indulgence, do outrun all bounds, to the making a toil of a pleasure, and a tedious tiresome Fox-chase of it; it may and shall be lawful for the sweet neglected Venus, like the old modest Diana, to punish all such capital offenders with the Front of an Actaeon; it being the opinion of this Committee, that the wilful neglect of Family Duty, and all false measures of due Benevolence fall as justly under Parliamentary Censure and Lash, as the false packing of Butter.  
And whereas the crying shame of the daily scandalous Rhimes, the licentious scurrilous Pamphlet Doggrel and Playhouse Farce upon the holy state of Matrimony, is no small Grievance of the Petitioners. This Honourable Committee, as fully empowered to search Papers and Records, have found the said Libels to be wholly matter of Malice and Calumny, the generality of the Authors being either some scribbling, aspiring, slighted pretender to some fair disdainful Celiae; and therefore in pure spite and revenge, pelted and persecuted with satire and Lampoon, for no other sin but her being deaf and invincible to Ditty and Sonnet; and thereupon the whole Honourable state of Wedlock, maliciously vilified, with the outcry of dry meat, for no other reason but that themselves are thrown out of the Chase, and excluded the Game: Or otherwise if such Wedlock-railing be the Venom and Gall of any married Author, we conclude it the product of some very hard Bargain, as possibly some old-rapped leaky Broach at home, and thereupon his  wholly depraved and soured with this nauseous Draught of Lees. Nevertheless all the said villainous Ribaldry and Libels, as hatched and contrived for sowing Sedition and fomenting Schism within the peaceable and united Ecclesiastical Provinces of Hymen and Love, we do hereby adjudge and sentence to the old doom of Heretico Comburendo.  
And whereas our fair Petitioners enforce their Suit, from our condescension to the humble Debates of cutting the Rivers Lug and Wye, etc. Be it therefore Resolved and Ordered accordingly, That the present Virgin Shallows, hitherto of no farther use than the driving a poor Watermill, etc. be dug into Deeps and Channels, and made Navigable for Traders and Voyagers, and so rendered useful to the public for the serviceable bearing of Bulk and Burden.  
Provided still, that all the fair Bridal pretenders shall bring their whole Loaf to the Spousal Board, and not have any of the Kissing Crust pared off by any hungry Sharper for Breakfast, before the good man in Black has said Grace for the Nuptial-night Supper, with the rest of the usual Ceremonies or Fall to in God's Name.  
But if by any frail mischance, an unhappy falling Fair, under pretence of a pure untouched Domestic Utensil, shall bring a crazed Pipkin into play; she shall be obliged by a true and thorough Reformation, and Engagement of her future more steady Uprightness, to give good Security that a crack● Maidenhead, like a broken Bone, shall be strongest where 'tis set again, or otherwise to forseit all Right and Benefit of our favour and protection.  
Lastly, be it ordered, in favour to the Petitioners proposed Supply towards recruiting the humane dearth and scarcity made by the hungry Devourer War, That a Clause be inserted to root out of all the Female Physick-gardens, and indeed from out the whole Commonwealth, those dangerous Plants called Cover-shame, alias Savine, and other anti-conceptive Weeds and Poisons, those notorious Restoratives of slender Shapes, and tender Reputation, to the loud and crying shame of Love lost, and a Good Thing thrown away.  
As for what relates to the Chaplains, we are willing to allow 'em plenty of Meat, Drink and Tobacco, the most zealous part of their Supplication; nay, to sit down at Table with their Patrons, provided they done't take upon them to censure the management of the Family. But whereas they petition to be freed from any obligation to marry the Chambermaid; we can by no means assent to it; the Abigail by immemorial custom being a Deodand, and belonging to Holy Church.  
We thank the Poets for their good will to the Government, as appears by their Proposal to raise a fund of 600000 l. for the support of it; but don't think it convenient to raise any Money either out of them, or the Ribbon weavers. The only Tax we lay upon them is to Canonize all our Heroes that die in Flanders, and to record their Victories in Verse. And this will be no burdensome employment for them.  
And lastly, as for the Widows, provided they'll engage never to talk bawdy, and quote the say, or praise the valour of their dead Husbands, we will grant all and every Clause in their Petition, viz. The old Widows shall have their Gu●s rubbed with Coral. The rich shall be indulged a twelvemonths rest. The poor shall have the forfeitures they beg for; and the young receive full satisfaction in their three Articles.   
FINIS.   

A Catalogue of PETITIONS, ordered to be drawn up and Presented to the Honourable House at their next Session.  
A Petition of the Brewers and Butchers, that the former may be incorporated with the Vintners; and the latter with the Apothecaries.  
A Petition of the Banbox-men and Trunk-makers, that the Athenian Mercury, and all Weekly Papers of the like nature be continued.  
A Petition of 20000 Tradesmen, that if their Wives offer to draw Bills more than once a Night upon them, they may be empowered honourably to reject them.  
A Petition of the Quack-Doctors, that the Constables may not disturb the industrious Nightwalkers in the Strand, Fleetstreet, and Cheapside.  
A Petition of Doctor S-lm-n, and two more of the Fraternity, that they may have the sole benefit of a new Religion, by them lately Invented, and that no other Persons presume to interlope upon them.  
A Petition of the Quakers, that their bare word may be equivalent to Swearing; and Nonsense to true Reasoning; and likewise that it may be lawful for them to Fornicate out of their own Tribe.  
A Petition of all the married Women in the Kingdom of England, Dominion of Wales, and Town of Berwick upon Tweed, that the Dog-days be immediately repealed.  
A Petition of the moderate Divines, that the 30th. of Jan. and 29th. of May be discarded out of the Almanac, as being great Eye sores to the Godly Party.  
A Petition of the Maids, that the Mosaical Signs of Virginity, be declared void and unnecessary, and unfit to be required under the Christian Dispensation.  
A Petition of the Ribbon-Weavers, that Shoulder Knots and Pantaloons of happy Memory be revived.  
A Petition of the Booksellers to declare, that Licensing of Books is Popish and Superstitious, and destructive of the liberty of the Subject.  
A Petition of the Inhabitants of White Friars, that their Bounds be enlarged, that they may have room enough to receive the broken Merchants and Tradesmen that daily flock in to them.  
A Petition of the Poets for a speedy Restauration of Claret, and the utter Banishment of little diminutive Pagan Bottles.  
A Petition of the Midwives and Highwaymen that Savin and Hemp be rooted out of the Commonwealth.  
A Petition of the Glasiers and Tallow-Chandlers, that it may be lawful to break Windows on Thanksgiving-days, where no Lights are set out.  
A Petition of Dr. Oats, that every Evidence for the future shall be obliged to repair to him for a Licence.  
A Petition of the Prisoners in Newgate, that their Confessions and dying Speeches may not be Printed before they are Hanged.  
A Petition of Dr. Partridge that no Almanac-maker pretend to Prophesy for the Government but himself.  
A Petition of the Fiddlers, that kicking down Stairs, and broken Heads be reckoned no Scandal.  
A Petition of the Players, that they may be allowed plurality of Wives, in order to be sure of a Maidenhead once in their Lives.  
A second Petition of the Booksellers, that when a dull heavy Book lies upon their hands, it may be publicly burnt to promote the Sale of it.  
A Petition of Bully D—son, and the rest of his Brethren, that Swearing and Roaring be adjudged as effectual a sign of Valour, as Fight.  
A Petition of several young Gentlemen of the Inns of Court, that a Statue be erected to Dr. Wall, at the public Charge.  
A Petition of the Northern Attorneys, for a speedy conclusion of the War, because at present the People can't spare Money to go to Law.  
A Petition of the Harlots, that Pluralities be denied to all married Women, of what Degree or Quality soever.  
A Petition of the Coffee Houses, that they may be privileged in Fornication up Stairs, and for Treason and false news below.  
A Petition of the Country Parsons, that, in favour of them, the House will be pleased to take off the additional Duty upon Tobacco.  
A Petition of the City Clergymen's Daughters, that Increase and Multiply be made the Eleventh Commandment.  
A Petition of the Knights of the Post, that all the Pillories in the Kingdom be burnt on the next Thanksgiving-day.  
A Petition of the Tradesmen in and about London, to prohibit the exportation of Leather, lost if the War should com●●●e a Year or two 〈◊〉, we should be forced, like our Ancestors, to 〈…〉 in our own Defence.  
A Petition of the Drawers about the Temple and Covent-Garden, that they may be allowed to lie a Bed till Eleven.  
A Petition of the Royal Society, that the Comb-makers, Mousetrap Men, and Athenians, be suppressed, as Interlopers upon them.  
A Petition of the Chimneysweepers, that they may have the s●owring of all Ecclesiastical Consciences every Spring and Fall.  
A Petition of the City that none be suffered to talk Treason, but such as are well-affected to the Commonwealth.  
A Petition of the College of Physicians, that the Importation of Dutch Doctors be prohibited, as prejudicial to the Manufacture of our own Universities.  
A Petition of the Tailors, that leave be given to bring in a long Bill to promote new Fashions.  
A Petition of the Seamen, that the Parsons may not meddle with Politics, but every one keep in his own Element.  
A Petition of the Barbers that they may be made Free of the Church, since the Divines have usurped upon their Trade by turning Trimmers.  
A Petition of the Country Innkeepers, that the Soldiers quartered in their Houses would be content to Tap their Hogsheads, but not their Wives or Daughters.  
A Petition of the Dissenting Divines, that none shall be admitted into the Class, but Men of strong Lungs, and stronger Backs.  
A Petition of the Anabaptists, that they may be empowered to erect a public Dipping Pond at Lambeth Ferry.  
A Petition of the Painters, that they may have leave to enter all the Conventicles in Town, and draw their respective Pastors in their proper Colours.  
A Petition of the Wastcoateers of Wapping, that it may be lawful for them to go sixteen Months with Child, in cases of necessity.  
A Petition of the Printers, that all distinctions of Bawdry, Blasphemy and Treason be utterly abolished.  
A Petition of the Proctors of the Commons to have Fornication encouraged, that they may have the sole punishing of it afterwards.  
A Petition of the Claret drinkers, that Red Noses shall qualify People for all sorts of Preferment.  
A Petition of several Mayors and Aldermen that Money be adjudged to comprehend both Wit and Sense, and good Breeding.  
A Petition of several Recorders in the Kingdom, that making of Speeches be utterly abolished, unless Bulls be tolerated.  
A Petition of the Ordinary of Newgate, that all sorts of breaking be declared sinful, but especially Sabbath-breaking.  
A Petition of the Orphans, that the Monument be hung with Mourning once a Year, and that at the expense of the Chamber.  
A Petition of the several Ladies living near Westminster, that all Deserters be brought to condign punishment.  
A Petition of the Athenians, that they may have a Patent for their new Invention of making second hand Spira's.  
A Petition of the Parish Clerks, that a day be set a part to Celebrate the Pious Memory of Hopkins and Sternhold, and that the City Poet draw up the Service for the day.  

And for your Worships then we'll pray,  
For eke, for ever, and for ay.   
FINIS.