THE Complaisant Companion, OR NEW JESTS; WITTY REPARTEES; BULLS; RHODOMONTADOES; And pleasant NOVELS. If these true Jests don't every humour fit, Let Fops, like me, ne'er nibble more at Wit. LONDON, Printed by H. B. and sold by most Booksellers 1674. THE EPISTLE TO THE READER. CErtainly before the Mexican Conquest, never did the Indian Mines so abound with Gold, as doth this overcurious Critical Age with Pretenders to all manner of Wit and Ingenuity: the Stage is thronged, the Press oppressed, and not a Coffeehouse but what is unreasonably smoked with the fumes of hot working Brains whose only hopes and designs are, either to prattle, or scribble themselves into reputation: nay, the Bookseller is become a Demi-Critick who knowing not what to have, will be sure to Censure what he doth not understand; but more especially, if he thinks he doth any ways entrench upon that propriety, he hath made his own by invading another man's: a thing so frequently practised among them, that, when any are found guilty of that abuse, they only laugh at it, and cry, Hang't, it is but a piece of Land-Piracy, of which very few ●f us can plead guiltless: for my part, I cannot in this present Publication, because it is partly a Collection, and so consequently I must borrow from what is already Published: but it hath been done with such caution, that, to the best of my Judgement I have selected nothing but what is choice Wit, and Ingenuity, intermixing therewith new witty Fancies, and conceits, which till now were never made Public in Print, partly drawn from ingenious Conversation and partly from Translation out of late Books in the French Tongue, and other Language. I hope herein, I shall not be too severely condemned for a Plagiary, since a nimble Theft of this kind is not only fashionable, but plausible. Besides, should all the Writers of larger Volumes be obliged to return what they had stolen or borrowed from others, we should see many bulky Folio's dwingle into Twelves, or shrink, and hid themselves in their own Covers. Let this suffice to satisfy the discerning Reader, whom I need not advise, how and at what time to delight the Appetites of his Hearers with this Banquet of Jests, since he cannot but know the proper season is, when the mind is unbended, and digestion assisted by mirth of this nature; neither is he ignorant that there is an Antipathy between them, and all places where sickness or sorrow have dominion; neither must they be made the subject of Discourse, but conveniently intermixed therewith. And now to Conclude, since I have interwoven Bulls (which gore and murder sense) with the Jests herein contained, it will not be amiss to finish my Epistle with stuff agreeable to their Nature; Have at ye then blind Harpers; you, who look on true Wit with as many Grimaces, or Monkey-saces, as if some Barber Chirurgeon was fumbling about your rotten Gums with a rusty Instrument to find out the stump of some putrefied and corrupted tooth, which out-stinks the Devils Scotch Ordinary, or, his House of Office. 'Tis not the Persian Gulf, or Epsoms-Well, Nor Westminster's sweet Plumbroth (made in Hell) Can change my Resolution, I have vowed To Speak with silence, and to Writ aloud. You ignorant brisk Fops who being internally blind, can discern no farther than you can see, whose gaping mouths damned up with silent Nonsense speaks loudly, that ye are full of emptiness; which might be easily perceived when you averd. That as the Gout is but a pleasing itch, The best Bear-Garden Bull-dog was a Bitch. Come let me tell you, Reason, and you are as near allied as the Arctic and Antarctic Poles, for which Posterity hath long since Registered you Fools, and former Ages, for the time to come, shall confirm it. But now though in Jest let me be in earnest, when after you have read what is before, and in the middle, you meet with the Bulls, if they please you, as much as they are like you, then assure yourself the next time my Bull's Calf, you shall have more of them. For further satisfaction at which time you shall have Dunsmore Cows-milk to make Sillebubs, I know you must like them, being so like yourselves; and to tell you the truth, I played the Bear to lick them into a form, as like you as I could, and I think I have done it monstrously well, if I am not undeceived: for know, though I will give place, yet I will never precedency, neither to Merry Andrew, the Westminster Quibler, Pasquin, or any other Scribbler famous for propagating Laughter by Buffoonery, and Nonsense, or infamous, and detestable, for causeless and villainous detraction, whom interest would engage to stab his Father with his Pen, and afterwards kill his Brother with his Sword in vindication of the Fact. — O foul offence! This Nonsense tastes of too much Truth and Sense. Now if I must have your detracting commendations, say not a word, by which dumb expressions my ears, and consequently my understanding will be informed, that according to the Proverb, Consent doth give silence; but if your toothless Censure should fasten upon the shoulders of my Reputation, and my Credit shall rankle by the venom thereof, I shall only for the present say, Farewell and behanged, and that is twice God-b'y. One word more I beg leave to add (craving pardon from the discreet for the preceding Ribaldry) and that is concerning the Novels I have affixed to the Jests, those which are here (the Product of Report) are not only true, but will be found I doubt not indifferently pleasant, the rest are Translated out of French; if their Plot be bad, impute the blame to the sterility and dullness of Monsieurs fancy, and not him, who is your Countryman. DOMESTIC JESTS, Witty Repartees, etc. On A-la-mode Towers. AFacetious Gentleman was one day deeply engaged in discourse with a witty Gentlewoman, who at length was pleased to condemn the weakness of her Sex; nay Madam, not so; for if I mistake not, it is easy to prove your Sex stonger than ours; for Samson (the strongest man living) carried only the Gates of the City on his shoulders, and now adays every stripling Female carries a Tower on her Forehead: To which she very briskly replied; Surely Sir, You have a capacious and a very strong head, that can carry up and down so many Windmills, On the Middle Exchange in the Strand. IMmediately after the conversion of a Nobleman's House into shops, two Gentlemen walking by, saw written over the Entrance, The Middle Exchange; we have enough of these already said the other, which without any addition can plentifully supply what necessity or curiosity can require; and therefore take away the first letter M. and then the name & nature thereof will both correspond, by reading it The Idle Exchange. On Whetstone's Park. ONe Gentleman meeting another very early in the morning, who had been a rambling all▪ night; he asked him where he had been; the other answered he had been a hunting, where quoth t'other, in Whetstone's Park; he replied and a Pox on't I can find never a hair nigh it. On a Shrew. A Lord desired his Chaplain to write a Copy of verses on his Lady who was a very great Shrew; it was promised but not performed, the Lord ask a reason of this delay? said the Author, What need you my Lord desire a Copy when you have the Original? my Lady hearing thereof caused the Chaplain to be discharged and so he paid for his wit. A mistake. A Country fellow who had never seen London, was abused one day by some young Clerks of an Inn of Chancery, who thereupon complained to the Principal of the house in this manner; I have been much abused by a company of Rascals belonging to this house, and being informed you are the Principal, I thought good to acquaint you therewith. Cuckolds all a Row. A Company of Neighbours that dwelled all in a Row on one side of the street, were resolved to be merry with their Wives; said one, they say we are all Cuckolds who live on this side, but one, hereupon his was in her dumps, how now sweethart said he, why so sad? I am not sad said she, but I am studying who the one of our Neighbours it should be that is not a Cuckold. A Cuckold on record. A Citizen being made a Cuckold by his Neighbour, brings his Action against the Party, and lays it quod Clausum fregit & domum intravit, etc. the business coming to a Trial, the Jury bring in a verdict for the Plaintiff, and a Mark damages, the trial over, he stepped to the Jury, saying, you see I am contented to enter myself a Cuckold on record, you might have considered it is very likely to be your own case; & yet you give me but a Mark damage, well I hope to see you all so marked for your pains. A mistake. A Lady sent her servant to the Playhouse to know what play was acted that day, the fellow ask the question, he was answered go tell your Lady 'Tis pity She is a Whore, the fellow misunder-standing and thinking this was spoke of his Lady and not the Play; replied, 'tis pity such a parcel of Rogues, Rascals, and idle Sons of Whores should be suffered to abuse honest Women after this manner. Another. ANother seeing in a Play-bill upon a post A great man gulled, and underneath by his Majesty's servants, Read it thus; A great man gulled by his Majesty's servants, adding to it these words, By my soul as true a thing as ever was writ. On Usury. A Parson having in his Sermon much inveighed against Usury, saying it was a sin as bad as wilful Murder; a little after wanting money, he went to one of his Parishioners and desired the loan of twenty pounds gratis for three months; this person remembering the Parson's Sermon, said, truly Sir, If to lend Money upon Use he in your Opinion as great a sin as Murder, in my Opinion to lend Money gratis, is a greater sin than Manslaughter. On Mr. Church. A Gentleman whose name was Church sitting in a Chimney corner in the Winter time drinking of a pot of Ale, asked the question, whether any of the company ever see a Chimney in a Church; not (said one) but I now see a Church in a Chimney corner. ▪ On the same man. MR. Church another time was telling his friend that his wife was with child, and withal, so big, that he could not choose but wonder every time he looked upon her; you need not wonder (said his friend) do you not know your Wife hath a Church in her belly? Upon Mr. Herring, THere was one Mr. Herring, who notwithstanding his pious function was reputed a good fellow; one day returning home after a sound fuddle, chanced to fall in the kennel, and very much bedaubed himself, a Gentleman▪ passing that way which knew him, took him up, saying, indeed Mr. Herring I am very sorry to see you in such a sad and wofut pickle. On a Gentleman and the Pump in Chancery-lane. A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings-Head Tavern, came reeling out up Chancery-lane, and chanced to reel within the rails of the Pump, and kept his motion round so long that he was tired; whereupon leaning on the rail he asked one that passed by where he was, he told him over against the Chancery: I thought so (said he) and that's the reason I think I shall never get out of this place On an old Gentlewoman. AN ancient Gentlewoman desirous to be believed young, was telling some company one day that she was but nine and thirty years of age; one standing by whispered another in the ear saying, surely she must be more than fifty: to which he replied, you may believe what you please, but I must believe what she saith is a truth, she having told me so this ten years. On a Country Cuckold. A Gentleman had kept another man's wife company so long till he began to be tired with her, and the sooner to be rid of her, got a friend to proffer her husband three hundred pound to take her again; he seemed a verse to the proposition, whereupon he was advised to take her, and the money; and than whereas other Cuckolds wear their horns plain, he might wear his gilt. On a man and his Wife being in bed together. A Man and his wife being in bed together, towards morning she pretended herself ill at ease, desiring to lie on her husband's side; the good man to please her, came over, making some short stay in his passage; she had not lain long, but desired to lie in her own place again, quoth he, how can this be done? she answered come over me again: I had rather said he go half a mile about. A Chancery Quibble. IN Chancery one time when the Council of the Parties set forth the boundary of the Land in question by the plot; the Council of one part said we lie on this side my Lord, and the Council of the other side said, and we lie on this side; the Lord Chancellor then in being stood up saying, If you lie on both sides, whom will you have me to believe? On carrying money out of this world. A Citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his Creditors ears, farewel said one there is so much of mine gone with him; and he carried so much of mine said another; one hearing them make their several complaints, said, well, I see now that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of this world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men's. On a want on young Maid, and an old man. AN old man having married a young maid (as was supposed) seemed very jolly, but the Bride very melancholy & sad; one of the guests observing it, bid her be merry; and for her better comfort told her that an old horse would hold out as long and as well as a young one in travels to which she replied, stroking down her belly with her hands, but not in this road. (supposed common.) On a foolish Gentleman on Horseback. A Foolish Gentleman yet a man dignified with no mean title, was riding one day with his Footman attending, (who was an arch Crack) the fellow not following so close as he should, was rebuked by his master, and called a thousand strange names, as whoresegg, Hounds-foot, Devil's Spawn, and the like; this so nettled the footman, that making what speed he could, got up within reach of his master, and taking from the ground a hard clod of earth, fling it as hard as he could against his master's back, and instantly thereupon stooping, he scratched his leg; his master turning about asked him what was the matter; the matter, quoth he pox take your horse for kicking, I doubt he hath lamed me; prithee (said the Gentleman) be no more angry than I am, for at the same time he kicked me on the back. Upon two modern Poets. TWo Actors, the one of the Kings, and the other of the Duke's house talking jocosely one with the other; said the one, in troth Ned thy whole life is so crammed with merry manick humours, that if well compiled, it would be the subject of an excellent Comedy; to which the other replied, thy life is stuffed with such subtle damned plots & Roguery, that it would make a very deep Tragedy, if the Poet were mindful of making thee hang thyself at the latter end of it. On a Player. ONe of the Nursery in Barbican had borrowed a Playbook of a Bookseller, called the Wits, and was by agreement to return it at such a time, or lose the money he left in lieu thereof; laying it somewhere careless at Rehearsal, it was missing; nor could it be found, which made our Actor swear and damn after a mad rate, not so much for the loss of the Book I guess, as for fear he should lose his Mortgaged shilling, (a considerable Sum in dearth of money;) one hearing him roar after this hellish manner, asked what was the matter, nothing, nothing, (said a slander by) but that Our Brother hath lost his Wits. On Bribery. A Suit of Law being referred to a Gentleman; the Plaintiff who had the equity of the Cause on his side, presented him with a new Coach, and the Defendant sent him a couple of brave horses; the Gentleman liking the Horses better than the Coach, gave sentence on the Defendants side; the Plaintiff calls to him, and asketh him how it came to pass the Coach went out of the right way; he replied he could not help it, for the Horses had drawn it so. On a drunken Gallant. A Mad crew went to a Tavern with a (devilish) resolution to be damnable drunk; one being more overpowered than the rest, spewed perpetually; and seeing that he could no longer bear them company, called for a reckoning; why (said one) cannot you tell that, that have so often cast up what you drunk? no marry I cannot; (said he) for I was so busy in casting up the account, that I did not mind the reckoning. On a poor Poet. A Poor Poet being engaged among some Virtuosos in a Coffee-house, talked a little at random, (as well he might being bare without, and empty within) it being taken notice of by a cunning Quibbler, he asked him where his wits were? To which he answered, That if they were not in Pie-corner, they were certainly gone a Woolgathering. On a Mercer and a Gentlewoman. A young boyish finniken Mercer after he had sold a Gentlewoman (small in stature) some commodities thinking to oblige her another time by his pleasant discourse, sumoned all his faculties to talk all he had at once, at length fell into a self praise of effeminate smooth faces, alleging the manlike countenance was designed originally for the wars, and the other for Lady's service; pish (said she) give me the face that looks like a man, the other is not worth a hair. Another on the same person. AT another time he applied himself to this Gentlewoman in his accustomed Bumbazeen expressions, and not knowing what to say, began to praise this Gentlewoman above measure, for no other reason but that she was little; nay Sir (said she) if that be all the grounds for your commendation, I shall ever hereafter upon the same grounds have the same esteem of your wit as you have of my person. On a Lawyers Clerk. ONe seeing an Answer in Chancery written five words in a line, and not above ten lines in a folio page, asked why they were writ so wide; one answered it was done to keep the peace, for if the Plaintiff should be in one line and the defendant in the other, the lines being too near, they would go together by the ears. On a common strumpet. AN indigent Gentleman was persuaded to marry a Prostitute, for no other reason then that she was rich & perhaps might turn; turn (said the Gentleman) she hath been so much worn, that she is past turning. On a deboist fellow. A Very wicked extravagant fellow boasting of his travels, and amongst the rest of those incredible things he had seen, said that he hath been on the very top of Teneriff (which is accounted one of the highest Hills in the world;) one asked him why he did not stay there, for he was persuaded he would never be so near Heaven again. On Claret. ONe being pressed to drink off a cup of Claret e fused it, saying, he could not do it; being asked the reason, he said, because it was red hot. On a Tallow-Chandlers shop. A Tallow-Chandlers shop being robbed one night, the next day he went to a friend to tell him his condition; who heard him relate his loss with tears; pish (said his friend) be not troubled, I'll undertake your goods shall come to light. On a disobedient Wife. A Handsome woman, but dishonest, was frequently reproved by a Relation for her levity and disobedience, frequently inculcating, that her husband was her head, and therefore should both love & obey him: in a little time she undid her Husband, and was forced to fly for it; being reproved again by the same party for her extravagant lewd actions; pray forbear (said and meddle with your own business, I have injured none (said she) but myself, and that is by breaking my own head. On Mr. Gun. THere was one Mr. Gun was carried before a Magistrate for abusing a woman with scandalous words, by whom he was checked, and commanded to to do so no more: upon his return the woman told to him, Mr. Gun, you heard what was said to you, I hope your Gun being so deeply charged you will henceforward give a better report. On speaking nonsense. A Pragmatical fellow having a mind to put a trick upon a man that was talking significant enough, interrupted him in his discourse, and said that he loved to hear a man talk nonsense with all his heart; it seems so said the other; and that is the reason you love to hear yourself talk so much. On a living Warming-pan. A Citizen that was more tender of himself then wife, usally in cold weather made her go to bed first, and when he thought her plump but tocks had sufficiciently warmed his place, he then came and removed her out of it lay in it himhelf; and to make himself merry, called her his Warming-pan; she not being able to endure this indignity any longer, one night (Sir Reverence) she did shit a bed; he leaping into it, and finding himself in a stinking condition, cried out O wife I am beshit, no Husband, says she, it is but a Coal dropped out of your Warming-pan. On a Lord Mayor whose name was Waterman. ONe of the Sherriffs being sick, my Lord was forced to ride with one Sheriff, which occasioned my Lord to say, that a Lord Mayor riding with one Sherriff was like a Sow with one ear; your pardon my Lord said the Sherriff, I think It is more like a Waterman with one skull. A witty revenge. A Certain person lately attempted violating the honour of a very virtuous Gentlewoman by this stratagem, as they were alone together he pretended his back itched, and therefore desired the Genlewoman to scratch it, who suspecting nothing, consented, in the mean time this beastly fellow obscenely showed what Nature would and modesty must hid, saying, Madam look whether I am not of the nature of a Cat who being scratched on the back will play with her tail: the Gentlewoman all in confusion, furiously fling from him and with much indignation related the affront to her husband, who bid her not disquiet herself, and he would very speedily find out a way to to be revenged, and thus it was; he invited him one day to dinner, and to remove all suspicion he entertained him very liberally, having dined he took him to the Balcony, where having discoursed him a while, at length he took him up by the twist and threw him over, which was a great height from the ground, saying, if you have the nature of a Cat, no doubt you will pitch upon your legs. On one saying H is no letter. A Gentleman amongst Company was relating a Jest of a Servitor in the University, who was commanded by his Master to go down to the Kitchen and heat some meat, who instead thereof did eat it, justifying the act by saying, H non est litera; how said a slander by, is H no letter? I am sorry for that, for my name being Hill, 'twill be then very Ill On Kitching stuff. AN arch young wag hearing one morning the cry of Kitchenstuff, called the woman to him, asked her what she cried? Kitchenstuff said she, what's that quoth he? she replied it was that that dropped from flesh: say you so said he, call to morrow and I will furnish you with some; the next morning she came, and this Wagg in the mean time had prepared a pot half full of sir reverence— the woman according to custom put her arm into the pot and drawing it out saw how she was abused, and began to be angry; nay, nay says the young man you have no cause for passion, have I not fulfilled my promise in furnishing you with what dropped from flesh? it is very true she said, and now I think on't your flesh appears to me very dry (and stroking his face with her sh— hand) wants alittle greasing, and stands in need I think of basting too. On a Prodigal. ONe asked a profuse Gallant why he would sell his Land; he replied, because he was now on his journey towards Heaven, where he could not arrive till he had forsaken the Earth. On a handsome poor Whore. TWo seeing a handsome young Wench pass by them whom they known many grains too light, but very poor; one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare: it is no wonder said the other for she is common. On Mistress Cunney. THere was a Gentlewoman named Coney, who was of a free jolly yet innocent disposion; a Gentleman chanced to take lodgings in the same house where she lay whose name was Parsley; being asked one day how he liked Mrs. Cunney; very well said he, but I like her much better were Mrs Cunney stuffed with Parsley. On the letters B. and C. ONe asked why B stood before C? because said another, A man must Be before he can See. On a man short and crooked. A Crooked Dwarf passing along the streets, said one look yonder and see whether there goes not a man of prodigious height; who do you mean said the other that Dwarf? I that Dwarf if you call him so said the other; for he cannot stand upright in the highest room of this City. On an ignorant young lass. A young Lass espving a young man's testicles hang out of his breeches, that were broken in the seat, ask● him with a seeming or real ignorance what it was 〈◊〉 my Purse quoth he, thy Purse quoth she, than I am 〈◊〉 my Purse is cut. On a swearing drunken Dyer. 〈◊〉 drunken Dyer complained to a serious pious Neighbour of his, that whatsoever he under took to die came commonly by a mischance; to which the other replied that the only way to have this amended was, speedily to amend himself, for he that lived ill could never die well. On lies in Print. ONe asked another why men were not content to tell lies, but they must publish them in print, the reason is apparent said the other, because when they lie, do most desire to lie in sheets. On Gentlemen and Apprentices. ONe asked what should be the reason that Prentices were so apt to quarrel with Gentlemen upon a small occasion, because said the other they are glad of any occasion to knock them for Knocking their Mistresses. Three Scholars baffled. THree young conceited wits sitting in a Tavern very merry, it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with a long Grey beard looked into the room whom as soon as they had espied, to show their wit, saluted him with the name of Father Abraham, the other with Isaac, and the third with Jacob; I am (said the Gentleman) neither Father Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, but Saul the son of Kish, who went out to seek his Father's Asses, & here I find them, & here I leave them. On a young Gentlewoman of Maidenhead, and an old man. A Young Buxom Gentlewoman was very much persuaded to leave a Town called Maidenhead, and to go into the Country, to marry a rich man, old and impotent, which she refused; being asked the reason, said she, I am resolved to live in Maidenhead a little longer, for as yet I have no mind to go to Gravesend. A Maidens witty resolve. A Young Maid coming fresh out of the Country, was courted by a Person of Quality, whom she understood was poxed; he daily wooed her, and promised her marriage; she refused, and being asked the reason, why she (that was meanly born) would not marry one, that would not only enrich her, but ennoble her blood? I will not, said she, corrupt my Flesh to better in Blood for ever a Prince in Christendom. On a witty Contabrigian Preacher. A Wit at Cambrige in King James his time, was ordered to preach at St. Mary's before the Vicechancellor and the Heads of the University who formerly had observed the drowsiness of the Vicechancellor, and thereupon took this place of Scripture for his text, What? Cannot ye watch one hour? At every division he concluded with his Text, which by reason of the Vice-Chancellors sitting so near the Pulpit, often awaked him; this was so noted by the Wits, that it was the talk of the whole University, and withal it did so nettle the Vicechancellor, that he complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who willing to redress him sent for this Scholar up to London to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge, where coming he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit that the Archbishop enjoined him to preach before King James, after some excuses he at length condescended, and coming into the Pulpit, gins James the first and the sixth; Waver not; not meaning the first King of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the King was somewhat amazed at the Text, but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of his Chaplains in ordinary; after this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down to Cambridge, to make his Recantation to the Vicechancellor, and to take leave of the University; which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the Verse of the former Text, Sleep on now and take your rest, having an excellent Sermon, he made his Apology to the Vice-Chancelour, and concluded thus, whereas I said before, (which gave offence) What cannot you watch an hour? I say now, sleep on, and take your rest, and so left the University. On a Doctor and a Nobleman. A Learned and charitable Doctor having made (for the benefit of the Country wherein he dwelled) a large Causey, whilst he was overseeing his work, a Nobleman of his acquaintance chanced to ride that way; who seeing the Dr. saluted him kindly, thinking to jeer him into the bargain; Dr. (quoth he) for all your pains and expenses, I suppose this is not the Highway to Heaven: I think (replied the Dr.) you have hit the nail on the head, for if it had, I should have wondered to have met your Lordship here. A visit to a sick person. A Gentleman that was very faint-hearted, fell sick, whereupon his friend went to visit him, and found him so shamefully afraid of death, that he had not patience to stay with him, for all his words were ah! ah! ha'! what shall I do, have I no friend in the world that will dispatch me from this grief and pain? reiterating it over and over, hereupon his friend, to try him, drew his sword, and clapping it to his breast, said, yes you have me your friend left, who will instantly do you that kindness; the Sick person startled hereat, cried out, hold friend, hold; though I have a desire to be rid of my pains, yet I have no such mind to be rid of my life. On a Church called St. Bennets-sheerhog. A Minister having preached in the Parish of St. Bennets Sheerhog above half a year and yet received nothing from the Churchwardens, hearkened out for another Benefice, and quickly found one vacant; now to the intent that he might not leave them abruptly, he civility told them of his intention, and that he would give them a Farewell Sermon, though they had not deserved it from him; Having reproved them severely for their enormities at the conclusion; he speak something in relation to the Parish and Parishioners in words to this effect: Beloved I understand that the name of this Parish is Bennets-Sheerhog, and I presume very well it may, for my part I have showed you, above six months without reward, and therefore may say, Hogs I found you, and Hogs I leave you, but the Devil sheer you. On an Essex man. A plain Country fellow born in Essex coming to London (which place he never saw before) as he walked the streets he espied a rope hanging at a Merchant's door with a handle at it, wondering what it should mean, he takes it in his hand and played with it to and fro, at length pulling it hard he heard a Bell ring; it so happened that the Merchant being near the door, went himself and demanded what the fellow would have; nothing Sir said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door. What Countryman are you said the Merchant? An Essex man can't please you replied the other. I thought so quoth the Merchant, for I have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there presently comes forth a Calf; It may be so replied the Country man; but I Think that a man can no sooner ring a Bell in London but a Cuckold looks out presently. Upon a close-stool. A Gentlewoman cheapening of a Cloostool, and bidding too little for it; the Trunk-maker to persuade her to give more desired her to look on the goodness of the Lock and Key; as for that, quoth the Gentlewoman I value not, for I purpose to put nothing into it, but what I Care not who steals out, On Sore eyes. A Gentleman having Sore eyes, occasioned by ebriety, was advised by his Physician to forbear drinking of wine; but he said, he neither could nor would forbear it, maintaining it for the lesser evil to shut up the windows of his body, then to suffer the house to fall down through want of reparation. On a galloping Gallant. A Gentleman riding three quarters speed towards Tame near Oxford, asked one upon the road whethat was the way to Tame? Yes Sir he replied, to tame your horse if he were as wild as the Devil. On a Country Coxcomb. A Country fellow was much troubled that he had not gone ten miles to have seen the Monkeys dance upon the ropes; why said his Wife, it is too far to go and come a foot in one day to see such babbles; O quoth he, I could have gone thither with my Neighbour Hobson on foot like a fool as I was, and I might have rid back upon my Neighbour Jobsons' Mare like an Ass as I am. Thus in the Preter tense a Fool he was, And in the Present tense he is an Ass▪ And in the Future Fool and Ass shall be, That goes or rides so far such sights to see On one named Samson. SOme Gentlemen being in a Tavern as they were in the height of their jollity, in came a friend of theirs whose name was Samson; a ha'! said one we may be now securely merry, fearing neither Sergeant or Bailiff, for if a thousand of such Philistines came here is Samson who is able to brain them all; to whom Samson replied, Sir, I may boldly venture against so many as you speak of provided you will lend me one of your Jaw bones. On a wanton young Gallant. A Gentleman seeing a very pretty maid with her Valentine pined on her sleeve, in tending to play the Wag with her, asked, if her Waistcoat was to be let? yes Sir said she to be let alone; I am content said he, to let your Waistcoat alone, but not your Pettcoat. On a wanton Wife. A Gentlewoman to be in the fashion, must needs (like her neighbours) have a friend or Gallant besides her husband; having singled out one day one (whom she thought fit for her purpose, privately she told him how dearly she loved him; above all men her husband chancing to overhear her; said Sir believe her not; for she hath told me many times this seven years, and God knows how many more besides, On a purblind Gentleman. A Gentleman that was purblind, or din-sighted, happened against his will to affront another person of quality, who thereupon challenged him the Field; the other returned him this answer: that his eyes were weak and could not endure the light, and therefore he should have a great disadvantage in fight him in the open Field; but as a Gentleman he desired him not to desire odds, and therefore invited him to a combat in a dark Cellar, and to dispatch the quarrel, pitched upon no other weapon but an Hatchet; This strange challenge so pleased the Gentleman, that instead of fight, they became very good friends. On Dunscomb and Cox. MR. Durscom, and one Mr. Cox living near one the other in the Country, fell out about five foot of ground, and nothing must serve but the Law to decide the controversy: to't they went, and sued one another so long, that they were forced at last to prosecute the Suit each of them in forma pauperis; at length the case coming to a definitive hearing and the Judge understanding how long they had been vexatious, to the utter ruin of each other; said thus, Gentlemen, there hath been a scandal cast upon the Law for its tediousness in men's recovering their rights, the fault is not in the Law, but in you and such like, who delight in long and tedious, suits to the destruction of their own and another's family. But to the business in hand; here is five foot of land in controversy between you, and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety, wherefore my Sentence shall be, that the five foot of land be equally divided; and now let me desire you Mr. Dunscomb to permit me to divide your name too, take Come and put it to Cox; then your name will be Dunce, and his Coxcomb; and so gave order for their names to be registered on Record. On two Apprentices. A Tradesman having servants, observed one to ramble at nights; and watching him one time, locked him out, and took the the keys up with him; the ramble being over home came this Apprentice, and knocking at the door, could get no entrance; whereupon he earnestly begged his fellow servant to let him in; introth Tom I cannot (said he) my master hath the keys, and I dare not ask them of him: but if you will go to him your▪ elf 'tis ten to one he will let you in. On a Gentile Bona Roba. A Gentlewoman of greater beauty than chastity, standing in a Balcony, was gazed on by a Fop-gallant that had as little wit and manners, as she had honesty, in his long stairing her in the face, he made some abusive signs, which forced her to withdraw; hereupon this Gentleman, asked her whether the Sun offended her, and so drove her thence yes (said she,) the Sun of thy Mother. A witty reparty. A Gentleman having a very sore nose a long time, was asked by his friend how it was; truly said he, it hath been very bad, but now it was pretty Current; I think so too says the other, for 'tis always running. On a travelling Lady. A Gentleman speaking of his long and large Travels, was interrupted by a Lady who said she had traveled farther than him; if so Madam says he as Travellers, we may lie together by authority. On a Baker. A Journy-man Baker watched his opportunity, and a stole a Neighbour's Goose, which he perceiving, cried out as the Baker was running, Baker, Baker; I will, I will said he. Being served with a Warrant, he told the Justice his Neighbour bid him bake her, as he did; but not coming to eat her, he did eat her himself. On two Doctors. AS two Doctors were walking, an unhappy Baggage emptied a chamber-pot by chance on their heads, one of them hereat grew angry, says t'other we are Physicians but let us be Patients; and calling to her; said, are you not ashamed for your impudence to cast water before two well known Doctors, when it is none of your Profession. A wise reply. SAys a Lord, my friend, I should know thee, yes says he, I am one of your Lordship's Tenants, my name is F. L. O. says the Lord, I remember there were two Brothers of you, one is dead, but which is that that is alive? It is I my Lord, says he. On a young Peevish Wife. A Young man married a cross piece of flesh, who not contented though her husband was very kind, made continual complaints to her Father, to the great grief of both Families; the husband being no longer able to endure this Scurvy humour, banged her sound: hereupon she complained to her father, understanding well the perverseness of her humour, took her to task, and laced her sides sound; saying, go and commend me to your husband, and tell him I am now even with him, for I have cudgeled his Wife, as he hath beaten my Daughter. Wit in a Constable. IN the last great Plague time, a Constable heard a woman beating of her Husband; whereupon he ran immediately and set a Cross on the door, and a watchman to attend, being asked the reason; he said a greater Plague under Heaven could not befall a man then him for to be beaten by his wife. On Chatting Women. A Fellow hearing one say according to the Italian Proverb that three women make a Market with their chatting, nay then said he, add my wife to them, and they will make a Fair. On a Proctor. ONe asked his friend what such a one was that was then in company, the other replied he was a Proctor, and had done some business of his Wives; you mistake said the other, he doth not thy wife's business, but doth thy business on thy wife. On a light Housewife A Red nosed man and his wife being invited to Supper, was entreated going home to take a light with him being very dark, it needs not said the man, for my nose and my Wife are light enough. A false Complaint. A Taylor complained in the hearing of his wife that she brought him nothing: you lie like a Rogue said she; I bring you children every year without your help or assistance. On a Country fellow and his wife. A Countryman told his wife 'twas her fault that his Daughter played the whore for she should have lock her up, lock me no locks says she, the Devil take that key that cannot undo that look. On a Godfather. UPon the christening of a child, said the Husband to his pretendedly religious Wife, my Dear who dost think hath promised to be Godfather? I know not quoth she? why e'en Thom. Alcock: O the Father! Will he be here, says she? On a Waterman. A Gentleman hired a Waterman to land him at Temple-stairs, which he did, but it was in the mud; which the Gentleman grew angry and would not pay him a farthing, saying, my bargain was to land me at Temple-stairs, but is Puddle-dock. On a Gentleman and his Maid servant. A Gentleman having a very handsome servant, and as he verily concluded a Maid, solicited her to lie with him; but she refused; at last it came to this, that all she feared was he would hurt her; he told her no: she said, if he did she would cry out; all being finished; lafoy you there said he, did I hurt you? or did I cry out; says she? Her Mrs. not long after perceived her puking▪ and asked her whether she was not with child; charging her home, she confessed, and that it was her Master got it, where said she? in the Truckle-bed; where was I then? in the High-bed forsooth a sleep; O you Whore why did you not cry out; why forsooth (said she) had you been in my condition would you have done so? A witty reply ONe Mr. Eton making one day a plentiful feast, amongst other dishes he had a Goose, which those at the upper end of the table had so mangled, that there was nothing left in a manner but the Skeleton; however Mr. Eton in civility asked some at the lower end, whether they would eat any Goose: one taking it as a trick put upon them; said, no Sir, I thank you, here is plenty of other food to feed on? for your Goose is Eton. On Mr. Buck and Mr. Cook. MR. Buck invited Mr. Cook to dinner, who was a clownish Gentleman, to a Venison Pastry; at 〈◊〉 Mr. Cook was pleased (though uncivilly) to 〈◊〉 Mr. Buck, in troth your Buck is ill seasoned, and but half baked; it may be so said he, but yet Buck is good meat; but what says the Proverb, God sends meat, but the Devil sends Cooks. On Two witty Gentlemen. TWo Gentlemen striving for the superiority in wit, one had much the better on't, and gave him such a parting blow with the acuteness of his quick fancy, that the company taking notice of it, fell a laughing; saying, that he was muck dead at a blow, as Samson did the Ph●●●ins; to which the other briskly replied, I think so ●●, and by the same means, for 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that blow by a Jaw bone of an Ass. On a Doctor and a Country fellow. A Farmer being consumptive, came with his wife to a Doctor, 〈◊〉 advised him to drink Ass' milk every morning; saying moreover, that if he could not get ●●, the Farmer should come to him; why Husband said the Wife doth the Doctor give suck? On Chambers and Garret. ONe Mr. Chambers, and Mr. Garret riding by Tyburn; says Mr. Chambers, here is a brave Tenement if it had a Garret; I wonder says Mr. Garret you should talk so idly; there must first be Chambers before there can be any Garret. A pleasant reparty of a virtuous Gentlewoman. A Gentlewoman sitting carelessly by a fire side, sit straddling, her husband in a pleasant humour told her that her Cabinet stood open: say you so said she, why don't you lock it then? for I am sure that none keeps the keys, but yourself? On a Cuckold. A Gentlewoman delighting in plurality of Lovers chanced to admit to her embraces two Gentlemen who loved one another entirely, but were unacquainted with each other loves; one of them having lain with this Gentlewoman one night, lost his ring in the bed, which the other found the next night after; the day following, the other sees it on his friend's finger; after a great many arguings about it, they came to understand one another's amorous intrigues; the Gentleman demands his ring, the other refuses; at last it was agreed, that it should be left to the next comer by, who should have the ring; it chanced to be the husband of this woman, who understanding the whole matter, adjudged the Ring should belong to him who owned the sheets; marry than said they, for your excellent judgement you shall have the Ring. On a Scholar declaiming. A Scholar in a Colledg-Hall declaiming, having a bad memory, was at a stand, whereupon in a low voice he desired one that stood close by to help him out; no says the other, methinks you are out enough already. On a lewd Woman. A Poor harmless man was continually abused by a scolding wife; and such was her impudence that she would call him Cuckold a hundred times together, a Ninny standing by▪ and hearing it, said what a fool he was to let his Wife know he was a Cuckold. On a Country Gentleman. A Country Gentleman riding down Corn-Hill, his horse stumbled & threw him clearly into a shop; the Mrs. thereof being a pleasant woman, not tobearing smiling, (seeing there was no hurt done) asked him, whether his horse used so to serve him, yes said he when he comes just against a Cuckols door; then in troth said she you are like to have forty falls before you come to the upper end of Cheapside. On a Dog named Cuckold. A Man and his Dog (named Cuckold,) going together in the evening, returning home, the Dog ran in a doors first; O Mother says the boy Cuckold's c●me; nay then says the Mother your Father is not far off I am sure. On small Beer. ONe said, (drinking small Beer) that it was dead; it is very likely said another, for it was very weak when I was here last. On a fellow in the Stocks. WHat a sad condition am I in, said a fellow in the Stocks? I can see over the wood, under the wood, and through the wood, but can't get out of the Wood A mistake. ONe running into a Neighbour's house for a little hot water for one that was ready to swoon; alas, said the other I wish you had come a little sooner; for I just now threw away a whole Kittle full. On a Scrivener. A Scrivener's man reading a bill of Sale to his Master; said, according to form I do demise, grant and to farm let and sell all my Lands— but on sudden the Cough took him, that a present he could not read a word more; at which his Master being angry, bid him read on with a Pox; at which words he went on, To you, your Heirs, and their Heirs for ever. On Katherin-Hall in Cambridge. AN ancient Gentlewoman had a Nephew a Scholar in Katherin-Hall in Cambridge, and meeting one day his Tutor, she asked him how her Nephew behaved himself? truly Madam (said he) he is a great student and holds close to Katherin-Hall; I vow (said she) I feared as much, for the boy was ever given to wenches from his Infancy. On fanatics. ONe Fanatic said to another, that he hoped God would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last Lent; how said the other I hope it was not on Good-Friday, as they call it; no said the other, but it was on Ash-Wednsday as they call is▪ why that's as bade said the other; but hear the truth Brother I did eat so much on Shrove Tuesday as they call it, that I could not eat a bit the day after. On a Seaman. A Seaman unaccustomed to ride, was mounted on a curvetting horse, which reared a loft; hay day quoth he I never expected to have met with billows that be thus tossed on land before. On a fatman and a lean Horse. A Fat man riding on a lean Horse was asked why he was so fat, and his hose so lean? said he, I took to myself but my man to my horse. An ingenious complaint. A Foolish Wench merely out of revenge complained to a Justice, that such a man would have ravished her; what did he do says he? he tied my hands so fast I could not stir them; and what else? Why Sr. said she, he would have tied my legs too, but I had the wit to keep them far enough asunder. A merry conceit. A Man having a candle in his hand, said, by this light wife I dreamt last night thou madest me a Cuckold: she having a piece of bread in her hand, said, by this bread Husband but I did not: eat the bread than says he, nay (says she) eat you the candle, for you swore first. A mistake. A Gentleman riding near the Forest of Whichwood in Oxford-shire, asked a fellow what that Wood was called? he said, Whichwood Sr. Why that Wood said the Gentleman: Whichwood Sir: Why that Wood I tell thee; he still said Whichwood; I think said the Gentleman thou art as senseless as the Wood that grows there, it may be so replied the other, but you know not Whichwood. On two in a Tavern. ONe Gentleman desired another to drink more than his stomach would bear, and therefore he refused, the other swore if he did not drink off that glass, he would run him through; nay rather than that said the other, I will run myself through, and pledge you after wards, and so running through the door stairs, left the other to pay the reckoning. On a Dog-killer. A Man walking with a Pikestaff in his hand, it chanced that a Dog came running at him open mouthed; hereupon he thrust the sharp end of the Pike down his throat, and killed him; the Dogs master asked the fellow why he did not save his Dog by striking him with the blunt end of the staff? so I would said he if he had run at me with his tail. On a Painter. ONe asked a Painter how he could draw such excellent Pictures, and yet get such ugly children? it is (said he) because I make the one in the night, and the other in the day. On a little Wife. ONe asked his friend why he being so proper a man would marry a woman of so small a stature? O friend said he, of-all evils the least is to be chosen. On a Gentlewoman whose name was Field. A Gentleman walking early in the morning, met his friend coming from his Mistress, whose name was Field; Sr. said he, how came you in this wet pickle? In troth Sr. I am thus bedewed by coming over yonder Field; nay, said the other, I had rather believe it was by lying all night in yonder Field. On a great Wine-drinker. A Gentleman that was a great Tavern hunter, asked his friend to go with him and drink a glass of wine; the other refused, saying, his face was red enough already, and drinking wine would make it worse, a pox on that face (quoth the other) that makes the whole body far the worse. Another said, that was a very great drinker, when he died he would leave fifty pound to be drank in wine in manner and form following, at these Taverns: ten pound at the Wonder in Ludgate-street for honest men and no Brewers; ten pound at the Castle for Military men, ten pound at the Mitre for Clergy men, ten pound at the Horn Tavern for Citizens, and ten pound at the Devil tavern for Lawyers. On a Bastard and a Legitimate. ONe having two sons, one legitimate and the other illegitimate, he made the Bastard his Hei●he Fathe●● 〈◊〉, the 〈◊〉 falling out, the one twitted the other that he came in at a window by stealth, true said he, I did, but it was to keep you out of the house. Another Bastard told his friend that he was as much beholding to such a man, as to his own Father; yes said he but I believe you are more beholding to your Mother to choose you such a Father, then to your Father to choose you such a Mother. On a Gamester borrowing money. A Gamester borrowed five pound of a Gentleman, lost it at play; thereupon sent to borrow five pound more by the token that he owed him already five pound; Pray (said the Gentleman) bid your Master send me the token and I le send him the five pound. On nothing. A Gallant standing in a maze, a Lady asked him what he was thinking on? he said of nothing; what do you think on said she when you think on nothing? faith, says he, than I think on you and the inconstancy of your Sex. On an hungry Gentleman. A Gentleman having been abroad in the fields, came hungry home, and called for his dinner, Sir, said his man it is early day yet, the clock having, but just now struck ten; push, says he, don't tell me of ten by the clock, when it hath struck twelve by my stomach. On a Drawer. SOme Gentlemen in a Tavern wanting attendance, one took the pint pot, and threw it down stairs; presently up came a quart; then he fling the quart down, and up came a pottle, is it so said the Gentleman? then I will have one throw more, and so fling the Drawer down stairs, saying, I will see whether thou wilt come up double too. On a Constable and a handsome Wench. A Handsome Wench, and very gentile in habit, was brought by a Constable before a Justice late at night; the Justice finding no matter of fact, only bare suspicion in favour of her, bid the Constable take her home to his house for that night; that I shall do Sir, says he, if your worship will be pleased to commit my wife till the morning. On a Soldier in fight with the Dutch. A Soldier being quartered at a Gun, an unhappy shot came in at the Porthole and took off his leg; as he lay looking about him he saw his leg lie, ' praythee Gunner said he, take it up and clap it into the Gun, and send it among those roguing Dutch, that it may kick their arses for the injury they have done its master. Another. THe same man had the hard fortune to lose in the following engagement, not only the other leg, but both his arms, as he was carrying down to the Chirurgeon he called to his Captain, Sir, said he, if you live and I live, pray tell His Majesty, that he hath a faithful subject, who in his service hath lost both his Arms and Legs, so that he is incapable to serve him further, however he hath left a loyal heart, which shall ever pray for the welfare of his Majesty. On a Lancashire Man. A Lancashire man passing by the Watch at Ludgate, they stopped him; but he would not be stopped, for he was in haste: they still detaining him, he asked them what they were? the watch, said they; the watch quoth he, what watch you for? the King said they, (meaning the King's watch) for the King quoth he, then by my troth I can bring very good witness that I am no such man; for II's e'en Billy Noddies son of Lancashire. On a Doctor. A Doctor in a Coffee-house talking of many things, happened at last to aver all bitter things were naturally hot; not so Mr Doctor said a slander by, why so said the Doctor? why I'll appeal to all the learned Physical Authors, ancient and modern from Noah's time to this present, who all say the quality of bitter things is hot; how will it hold with this then Mr Doctor said the other? and I must appeal to experience, that in a hard frost we say it is bitter sharp weather, from whence I gather all bitter things are not hot. Another. THe same man a little time after in a Coffee-house hearing a Mercer bounce that he had all sorts of stuff what ever in his shop; nay that I don't believe said this Gentleman; for in your whole shop and and Warehouse I dont think you can show me a pattern of Kitching-stuff. On a Parson and a Carter. A Carter chanced to overturn his Cart far from any assistance, so that the poor Fellow was forced to stand by, till he could find some body coming that way, that might help him; at length a Parson came, and thinking to put a joke on the poor Carter, said, how now Carter what I see thou hast killed the Devil; yes in faith master, quoth he, and I have waited this two hours for a Parson to bury him; and now you are come very seasonably▪ On a shoemaker and a Cohler. A Shoemaker thought to mock a Cobbler being black, saying, what news from Hell? How fares the Devil? Faith, says the Cobbler, he was just riding forth as I came thence, and pulling on his boots, he complained grievoufly that he was in the Shoemaker's stocks, and desired me to send him a Shoemaker to widen his boots, and draw them on for him. On an Adulterer. A Married man of good note got a Wench with child, and was told by the Justice that he thought a man of his repute would not have offered to defile his marriage bed; you mistake Sir, said he, there was no defiling of the bed in the matter, for it was done in the field. Being accused afterwards by his wife for going into his maid's bed; you mistake sweetheart, said he, for she likes the sport so well, that she saves me that labour. On a Porter and his wife. A Porter coming home one night complained of the many burdens he carried that day, the woman (though but plain, yet very handsome) replied, well husband, and I bear my share of burdens too though not so heavy; let's be content, for as we share in the profit, so we will reap the pleasure on't. On a young Wench. A Young buxom baggage with a Candle in her hand was set upon by a hot spurr, who by all means must have a bout with her, but she vowed if he meddled with her, she would burn him, will you so (says he) I'll try that, and thereupon blew out the Candle, thinking himself safe from the threat, however not long after he found she was as good as her word. A Surprise. A Gentleman being newly trimmed, the Barber left only some hairs on his upper lip, visiting a Gentlewoman; she innocently said Sir, you have a beard above, and none below; and You, says he Madam have a beard below, and none above, Say you so says she, than put one against tother. On a Traveller. A Traveller in a cold frosly night, coming to his Inn, he stood so near the Kitchen fire, that he burned his boots; which the Turn-spit boy seeing; said Sir, you will burn your spurs presently; my boots thou meanest Boy; no Sir, said he, they are burned already. On a forward young woman. ONe said, I hear your wife is quick already, yes says he, a Pox on her she is very nimble, for I have been married to her but a month, and she is ready to lie down: well, since it is so, I will go and instead of buying one Cradle, I will buy half a score, for I can't have less than ten Children in a twelve month, if she holds on as she gins. On a young Gentleman, and a Scrivener. A Young Gentleman wanting a sum of money, went to a Scrivener, desiring him to lend him an hundred pound privately, that it might not come to his Father's ear; the Scrivener promised all the secrecey imaginable; the Gentleman receiving the money● and going to seal the Bond, read the first line, which was, Know all by these presents that I▪ F. G. do own unto etc. said the young Gentleman, are not you a damned Rogue, who for the future will believe you, since you promised none should know my debt? and yet you say Know all men by these presents. etc. On a Drawer. AT that time when there was an Act that Canary should be sold for eighteen pence a quart, a Gentleman in a Tavern called for a pint of that Wine, the Drawer brought up the pint not full by one fourth; what mean you by this said the Gentleman? why is it not full said the Drawer, no said the other not by one fourth; Sir it was full I can assure you when I was in the Cellar (quoth the drawer) but to tell you the truth, as I came running I spilt what you see is wanting. Another. SIrrah said a Gentleman if thou drawest me good Wine for my money, than thou art fit to draw then to hang; but if thou drawest me bad Wine for my good money, than thou art fit to hang then draw. On Oysters. ONe being desired to eat some Oysters refused for these reasons, first they were ungodly meat because they were eaten without saying Grace, unchristian meat, because they were eaten a live, uncharitable meat, because they left no offal to the Poor and unprofitabled meat, because most commonly there was more spent upon them than they cost, and by their means more spent otherwise then they and the recoking a mounted to. The Country man's news. AN arch Country fellow having been at London upon his return was asked by his she Neighbour what news he heard there, news (quoth he) all the news that I heard was that there was a great press out for Cuckolds. Is there so (said she) then to aviod the worst my husband shall not stir out of doors till the press be over. On a decayed Gentleman. A Gentleman fallen to decay shifted where he could, amongst the rest he visited an old acquaintance and stayed with him seven or eight days, in which time the man began to be weary of his Guest, and to be rid of him feigned a falling out with his wife, by which means their fare was very slender: the Gentleman perceiving their drift, but not knowing whither to go to better himself, told them he had been there seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and he was resolved to stay fourteen days longer but he would see them friends again. On a woman's will. ONe saying that a married woman had no power to make a will; in troth said another it would be for men if they had the privilege to make a Will when they die, then for them to usurp a prerogative of having their will the days of their life. On one Not a Constable. A Gentleman going home late met with the watch, who bade him come before the Constable, approaching near, which is the Constable, said he▪ I am the Constable said Mr. Not; the Gentleman knowing him by name though 〈◊〉 otherways▪ said you are Not the Constable Sir, but I am, sa●● 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 I say you are Not the Constable; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you say I am not the Constable, yo● 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 have power to commit you to the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 he was going the Gentleman turned ba●k ●●d ●●●d, pray Mr. Not, and Not the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●●e to my Lodging; Mr. N●● 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that he se●● h●● hom● 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 On another 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 A Light Housewife 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Not, who●● 〈◊〉 ●ld●● 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 death these verses 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 on her. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Not a Maid, Not 〈◊〉 Not a Widow, 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 She was Not these, and yet she and all fou●. On a Drawer Drunk. ONe seeing a Drawer drunk, said, that the Wine was even with him; for he had pierced the Wines Hogshead, and the Wine had pierced his. On a Tailor. ONe said nothing was more valiant than the Collar of a Taylorssh irt, being asked the reason, because [said he] every morning it hath a thief by the neck. On a thief's Confidence. ONe said that no men had greater confidence in their Country then Thiefs because they durst put themselves upon it although they were hanged for their pains. On a Lawyer riding. ONe seeing a Lawyer riding on a Dun-horse; look yonder (says he) ' 'tis the Devil● upon Dun. On a Lawyers will. A Lawyer being sick made his Will and gave away his estate to Lunatic, Frantic, and Mad-people, being asked why he did so, he answered that from such he received it and to such he would give it again. On a Farmer Knighted A Farmer growing very rich, was Knighted, hereupon his wife made herself as 〈◊〉 as a Lady; which one observing said that the Farmer's worship was much too blame in ●●oiling a Goodwife to make a Madam. On a Pretender to Poetry. A Pretender to Poetry was rehearsing some verses to one, which he said he made betwixt Highgate and London as he was 〈◊〉 on a lame Jade: truly said the other you needed ●ot ●o have told me that, for I know by your hobb●● verses what disease your horse was troubled with. A Witty saying. ONe said that the King of Spain was the greatest Potentate of the whole Universe, for he Sacks more Cities and Countries than all other Princes besides. We from Spain's Monarch, as all Merchants k●●w, Have our Canary and stont Malig●. Thus doth he Sackeach City, Town, and Village, For which the Vintners do our Purses pillage. On letting a Farm. ONe having let a Farm by word of mouth to a Tenant that much abused the same, it so nettled him, that he vowed he would never after that let any thing again without a writing; his wife over hearing the Vow, good Husband (quoth the) recall your words, or else you must have a writing for every ●●art you let. On a stayed Gentleman. A Discreet stayed Gentleman being accidentally in a crowd, got a broken pate, one seeing it, said, see what a sudden change there is in yonder Gentleman, it was not long since he was looked upon stayed, sober, and discreet, and now he hath gotten a running head. On a Physician. A Physician was wont to say when he met any friend I am glad to see you well, in troth Sir said one I think you but dissemble, for the world always goes ill with you when it goes well with your friends. On a younger Brother. A Knight having three Sons, and not so great an estate as to settle any thing on his younger son, told him that necessity forced him to bind him Apprentice, and bid him choose his Trade, the Lad being ingenious told his Father he would be a Tanner, why that nasty trade says he? O Sir replied the Son, considering the slenderness of your Estate it is most suitable to my condition, for three Hides will set me up: what Hides are those says the Father? Sir (says he) yours and my two elder Brothers. On a Gentleman and a Constable. A Gentleman one night very late, or rather early in the morning and half fuddled, yet had wit enough, was called before the Constable, who asked him where he was going he replied he could not tell; then said the Constable you shall go to the Counter; look you there said the Gentleman, did I not tell you I could not tell whither I was going, for did I know whether you would let me go home, or send me to prison, for which conceit he was released. On a young Apprentice. AN Apprentice being servant to a young married Couple observed every day after dinner that his Master and Mistress went up into their Bedchamber; being an arch Rogue, he imagined what to do. A Gentleman coming one afternoon, asked where his Master and his Mistress were, I think (said the Boy) my Mistress is abroad, and I suppose my Master is at home. On a Quaker. A Quaker coming to Court to speak with the King about the Lord knows what, passed through the Presence and Privy-chambers with his hat on, which some would have taken off, but the King bid them let him alone; whilst he was telling a long ribble rabble story, the King had an occasion to take off his hat; hereupon the Quaker stopped, and said, O King thou mayst be covered if thou wilt. Well (says the King,) if I give you your liberty, I hope you will allow me mine On a Ducking stoool. SOme Gentlemen travelling, and coming near a Town, Saw an old woman spinning near a Ducking-stool; one to make the company merry, asked the good woman what that Chair was made for? said she, you know what it is; indeed says he I know not, unless it be the chair you use to spin in sometimes; no no, said she, you know it to be otherwise: have you not heard that it is the Cradle your good Mother hath often lain in. On the Royall-Oak-Lottery. ONe was persuaded to adventure something at the Lottery; not I said he, for none has luck at it but rank Cuckolds: his wife standing by, persuaded him by all means for to venture; for said she I am certain you will have good luck. A damnable revenge. TWo Gentlemen had all their life time been implacable enemies; one of whom lying on his deathbed, thought of a way to be eternally revenged on the other; whereupon he sent for him, and told him that he would make him his Excecutor; why me (says he,) since you ever hated me to death; so I do still says t'other: but my reason is because I think most Excecutors go to Hell, and I hope that thou wilt not be one of those that shall escape. On a Quaker and a Hector. A Quaker having taken a room in an Inn, a Hector coming after, would needs have the room from him, swearing, damning, and sinking after a most damnable rate: but the other told him mildly it was his room, and by yea and nay he should not come there; the other thereupon struck him, which so provoked the old man in this stout Quaker, that he repaid his blows with usury; and at last kicked him down stairs: with that the Master of the house sent up to know what was the matter; nothing (said one) but that yea and nay hath kicked God dam down stairs. On a Prisoner in Ludgate. A Citizen coming into Ludgate, saw an old acquaintance of his there confined: Lord, Tom, says he, how cam'st thou hither? he replied, a blind man might have come thither as well as he, for he was led thither betwixt two which were his guides. On a Gentleman dancing. A Lady found fault with a Gentleman dancing; saying, that he stradled too much: Madam (said he) if you had that betwixt your legs that I have betwixt mine, you would straddle much wider. On a mad fel'ow. SOme Blades being merry together, one said that all the women in such a Town were accounted Whores: a mad fellow hereupon swore he believed so, for his Mother, and his three Sisters were born there. On a fellow in the dark. A Fellow going in the dark held out both his arms to defend his face; coming against the door which stood outright, he ran his nose against the edge thereof; whereupon he cried out, hay day, what a Pox, my nose was short enough just now, and is it in so short a timegrown longer than my Arms? On a Gentleman and two Jesuits. TWo Jesuits sitting in a Coffee house, told a great many foreign stories, which a Gentleman, and a great Traveller sitting by, knew to be notorous lies, but contradicted them not; but told one of his own making, which was, that now is to be seen at S. Alban, a Stone Trough, which that Saint kept a long time to preserve water for his necessary use, and that ever since, if Swine should eat any thing out of it they would die instantly; the Jesuits hearing this▪ resolved the next day to ride and see this holy Relict: coming to St. Alban, they found no such matter; and returning home, taxed the Gentleman with telling such an untruth; saying, they had the pains to ride and see it, but found no such thing: Gentlemen (said he) I thought you had been more civil; you told me the other night a hundred palpable lies, and I went not about to disprove you, and I told you but one, and you by your own confession, have rid twenty miles to do it. On a Landlord and his Tenant. A Landlord asked his Tenant how many children she had; three said she; two of them, Will and Tom. are pretty Boys, but Diggory is a great loggerheadly Lout, and in ●ro●● Landlord, methinks he looketh as like you as if he was spit out of your mouth. On two honest men robbed. SOme Thiefs met with a man, and robbed him of all he had, then bound him and laid him in a wood: a little after they met another, and served him in like manner and laid him not far from the other; the first cried out, I'm undone I'm undone; and the other hearing him say so, desired him to come and undo him too, since he was undone himself. On the monosyllable Con. SAys one, Dogs concur, Steeples conspire, Wheels converse, Lawyers contend, Fox's consent, Miners condescend, Women conceive, Apple-Mongers consider, Millstones contrive, Rope-maker; concord, Scrivener's condition▪ Faggoters combine, Jailor's fine, Sick-men consume, Drums convene, Commanders conduct, Great men control, Mourners condole, Clouds condense, Scholars convince, Counsellors conceal, Country fellows conjobble, Judges condemn, Friars confess, Victors conquer, Traitors conjoin, Friends confer, Politicians consult, Cutlers connive, Proud men contemn, Landlords confirm, and their Tenant's confarm; Bells convoke, and thus for brevity I conclude. On a tall Maid. A Young Gentlewoman desired an excellent Painter to draw her exactly as she was, a maid, and of the same stature, which he did according to her desire, excepting (as she said) that he had drawn her less than she was; oh Madam, said he, Posterity would never believe my draught had I made you any talier, or so big 'tis very rare in this age, to find a maid so big, and so tall. On a liquorish Husband. AMongst some women that were chatting of their Husbands: truly (said one) my Husband is the liquorishest man in the world, for I had a small pot of Honey sent me out of Hampshire by a dear friend of mine, and I can no sooner turn my breech, but his Nose will be in it. On a notable Head piece. A Gentleman in the late rebellious times, as he was walking in his Chamber merrily amongst his friends, there came a Musket bullet through the window, and glancing against a Marble chimny-piece, hit him on the head without any detriment, and fell at his feet, whereupon stooping, and turning the flatted bullet, he said, Gentleman, those formerly that had a mind to flatter, were wont to say, that I had a good Head-piece in my younger days: but if I do not flatter myself, I think I have a good head-piece now in my old Age, for you see it is Musket proof. On the loss of an honest woman. ONe friend complained to another of the loss of a wife by death, which was an honest woman, nay had she been honest (said the other) she would never have left thee. On an old Knight. AN old Knight requested a favour of the King, but was denied: thinking that the meaness of his habit, and bushiness of his beard was the cause of his ill success; he went home, and having shaved all off, and dressed himself a-la-mode with a flaxen Perriwigg, re-addresed himself to his Majesty concerning the same business; his Majesty perceiving the deceit, said to him, I would be glad to gratify your desire, but it is not long since I denied it to your Father, and it were unjust to grant the son what I denied him. On a Fool. A Fool to a Nobleman having taken some distaste, resoved on a revenge which had like to have cost him his life; for he hid himself so long till he was almost starved: Great search was made after him, but none could find him; at length this expedient was thought on for his discovery; there ●●v●d a Fool not rar, who usally came to visit this Brother of his, who coming according to custom they told him his Brother was lost; lost quoth he I'll warrant you I'll find him; and thereupon went up and down every where, crying I see ye, at length coming to a Pile of Faggots where this Fool had hid himself, he cried again I see ye; the other hearing him started up, and cried not but you done't. On Templars. A stranger passing through the Temple early, had a Pisspot discharged on his head; in his amazement one past by, pray Sir, said he, what place do you call this? the Temple said the other; and what is done here? the other replied that young Gentlemen study the Law, I believe rather quoth be they study Physic by their casting so much water, and if I mistake not they are a company of mad fellows too, for just now my bead can testify they threw their stools out of the windows. On one noseless. A Very witty Gentleman had the misfortune to lose his nose, I know not by what means; and passing through Fish-street, a Fishmonger's boy and a very wag, purposely threw some water on him, pretending to wash his fish; hereupon the Gentleman grew angry, and going into the shop, complains to to the Master of this affront; the Master asked his servant the reason why he did so; Sir said he the Gentleman blew his nose on the fish, and I only endeavoured to wash it off; judge you master said the Gentleman, whether I can blow my nose, having lost the handle of my face. On the same Person. A Mere Scholar, and an idle fellow came to this Gentleman to know whether he was qualified to be a Player; upon trial he found him only a dull lump of flesh stuffed with a parcel of learned words, without the ingredients of common sense and reason; well young man (said he) all that I can say to thee, that thou hast so much learning whipped into thee is this, that thou wilt be good for nothing till it is whipped out of thee again. On a kick of the breech. ONe asked another how he could take a kick of the Arse so patiently, prithee (said he) because an Ass kicked me, must I kick the Ass again. A jest of a dying man. ONe who all his life time was a great Droll, and full of Jokes, on his deathbed, was visited by an intimate friend, and a Physician, who for some reasons best known to himself, put his hand into the bed to feel the Patient's feet, the other perceiving his intent drew them up to him; said the Doctor, Sir, where are your feet? the Patient replied Mr. Doctor the Proverb saith, after forty either a Fool or a Physician, and I think you are both; I pray where should my feet be but at the end of my legs? On a Gentleman and a Baker's boy. A Baker's boy going through a crowd of people with a peck loaf on his head, chanced to hit the face of a Gentleman with the Corner of the loaf: why how now said the Gentleman can't you see you rude Rascal? you are mistaken (said the Boy) done't you see I am as well bread as yourself. On a profound Country Philosopher. A Country Bumpkin staring often in the sky in the night time, made this notable observation; that there were not to be seen so many Stars in the West as in the East; this so troubled him, that he was resolved to find out the reason; in order thereunto he frequently at night went into the Fields, at last looking wistly to the West, he saw an exhalation fall; by and by another; then four or five together; Nay then (said he) I shall cease to wonder that there be fewer Stars in the West then in the East, since so many fall every night. Another on on the same Peasant. THis Bumpkin coming to London, and staring about him, was at last picked up by a Spirit or Kid-napper, and conveyed aboard a Virginia man; being out at sea, he observed one of the Mariners taking the height of a Star with his Jacobs-staff; hereupon he stole privately behind him, looking over his shoulder, thinking he was shooting; fixing his eye upon the staff, he observed the end of it pointed directly against a Star, and presently thereupon a meteor fell; Gramercy man faith (quoth the Country fellow) I see thou art a brave Marksman, for I saw it fall, but I wonder what a Devil thou didst put in thy Gun, that I could not hear when itwent off On choler. AN old man being reproved for swearing; well says he I am resolved against it; and since I never swear but in my choler, I am resolved for the future always to wear a Doublet without one. On a Horn. TWo Passing through Petticoat lane, where at every door is fixed a large pair of horns (the budge of their occupation) says one I wish every Cuckold in London had such an one visible on his forehead on condition I gave ten pounds for one myself; I wonder (said the other) you are so profuse, to give so much for that you are already so plentifully stored with. On bare legs. ONe seeing a bare legged fellow running, said, do you hear friend? when those Stockings are worn out I will give you a new pair; you may save yourself the charge Sir said he, for they have lasted me this thitry years without repair, and I question not but they will last me as much longer; I have a pair of Brecebes likewise of the same stuff, and every whit as old, and yet you may see Sir there is but one small hole in them. On the Rump Parliament. ONe seeing the Rump in Council; O strange, said he, what fine brave men these! I could willingly work for such as long as I lived: what Trade are you said another? why truly (replied he) I am a R●pe maker. An Ignorant question wittily answered. A Gentleman none of the wisest, seeing a house very stately built, told the Porter, it was framed a-la-mode Italian, and asked whether it was made in England, the Porter observing his folly, said, no Sir it was made in Florence, brought hither by two Turkey Merchants. A foolish proposal. A Lord travelling in his Coach, his horsee tiring, he was constrained to take an Inn, where being impatient of staying, his Fool said, my Lord Let us go before in the Coach and let the Horses follow after. On a stout Captain. A Courageous Captain just as he was about to engage, was told by some who had rather eat than sight, that the enemy was five times their number; are they so said he, no whit dismayed? I am very glad, for then there are enough to be killed, enough to be taken Prisoners, and enough to run away. A witty reparty of a Boy. A Boy untrussing a point by an Hedge side, his foot slipping, fell down; and beshit his breeches, Sirrah (said a merry Gentleman riding by) are you not ashamed to make a Fool of your breeches; alas Sir (said the Boy) you make a worse of your Doublet to button up such in it. On a Fool dying. SOme comforting a Fool lying on his death bed, told him that four proper fellows should carry him to Church, I but (quoth he) I had rather by half go thither myself. On a Courtier and the King of France his Jester. A Courtier walking in the Pallace-Royall, saw the King's Jester stumble, why how now can't you stand says he? yes that I can (said the other) stumble and rise again too, but have a care, for if you fall, 'tis ten to one if you ever rise again. On losing a Watch. A Gentleman losing his Watch, complained to his friend of his loss; alas Sir (said the other) who can help it, Time will away. Upon Honesty. A Very Knave deridingly asked a virtuous Gentleman what was Honesty? what is that to you (said he,) meddle with those things which concern you. The Citizen bobbed by a Countryman. A Conceited pragmatical Londoner travelling to Goatam, met a poor fellow coming from thence, thinking to show his wit said well met wiseman of Goatam, how far to the place of thy Nativity? I cannot deny (said the poor fellow) but that my Country is a shame to me, but you proud Londoners are a shame to your Country. On four bowling. Myself, and another played at bowls in a Bowling-Ally in Bun-hill fields against two notable Gamesters, Mr. Prick, and Mr. Cunney, and were severely beaten; my partner seeing the inequalty of the Match, cried out, Prick and Coney have been long enough together 〈◊〉 time to part them; choosing again, they chanced to be together; a Pox on this Prick and Coney (quoth I) see they can't be kept asunder. On a fat Gentleman. A Fat big bellied Gentleman, whose Panch hung over the Pummel of his saddle, riding through a lewd Town, some cried to him, that he was mistaken in carrying his Portmantle before him; to which he replied, where should I place it safer when I come amongst Thiefs, Whores, and Rogues. On going a shooting ONe in a frosty morning going a shooting, desired the loan of some money from his friend, you have no need of money (said the other merrily) for if in any place you have any thing to pay, you may leave your Gun to discharge the shot. On a witty Doctor. A Merry facetious Doctor being sent for to visit a Gentleman that was dangerously ill, and almost blind to boot, Sir, said his friend, how do you find him? pish (quoth the Doctor) he nor you need not doubt of his recovery, he is already well enough if he could see it. On a Fart. A Gentleman swallowing unawares a spoonful of boiling hot Custard, let a rousing fart; to hid his shame with a jest, said he, I commend thee above the rest of thy fellows thou hast left behind, and flying danger, for hadst thou stayed I had certainly scalded thee to death. On a Country man and a Sedan A Simple bumkin, yet wealthy enough, coming to London, was very much taken at the sight of a Sedan, and bargained with the Bearers to carry him to such a place. The Sedan-men observing the curiosity of the Clown not suitable to the meanness of his habit▪ unhasped privately the bottom of the Sedan, and then put him in, taking the Sedan up the Country man stood on the ground with his legs, and as the Bearers advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was dirtier in the way then the rest, that they chose to go through. This man not knowing but others used to be so carried, or rather driven, coming to his lodging gave them their due hire, Returning into the Country, he related what rare things he had seen in London, and withal that he had been carried in a Sedan. A Sedan quoth one! what is that? Why it is (said he) like our 〈◊〉 house, only it is covered with leather, and were it not for the name of of a Sedan, one had as good go on foot. On a Lady's leg. A Lady lifting her coats a little too high, discovered her legs above the Calf; a Gentleman observing them, said, Madam, you have a very handsome pair of Twins; you are mistaken Sir, (said she) for I have had one between them. A witty Simile. A Tall Minster told a short one scoffingly, that he looked in a Pulpit, like a short Collar of Braw● in a deep dish; and you (replied the other) look like a long Pestle in a shallow Mortar. On a Rice Fool. A Rice-Fool being brought to the Table, the Guests doubted what it was: one wittily 〈◊〉 Per risum multum poteris cognoscere Stultum. A witty Metaphor. ONe Gentleman observing another take Tobacco excessively, called him a Fool Tobacco pipe, the other readily told him he was a dented Quart pot; the strangeness of Metaphor striking in his mind mode him urgent to know the reason, because (said he) you seem to have more in you then you have. On Marriage. IF I were unmarried said one, I should quickly marry again; marry then (quoth the other) you would still be in the same lock. A discreet compliment. A Barber (not the wisest of his profession) having tried a Doctor at night, had a candle put in his hand at the Stair head to light him down; having so done he brought it up again, and returning thanks went away in the dark. On a Tallow-Chandler: A Tallow Chandler dying; one said, it was strange that he who made so many weeks, could make his days no longer. Devonshire manners: A West Country Lad better fed then thought, was sent by his Father with a groat to Loo a small Town in Cornwell to buy a Hake; upon his return his Father met him with the Fish: how now Jack, what did the Hake-vish cost thee? guests Father; why a groat Zon; a groat quoth he: I'll tell thee Father, take the Grey mare and Zaddle'un and ride to Loo, and buy znch a Haka vish for a groat child give thee leave to kiss my arse. Another: THe same lump of ill manners sitting by the fire side was very eager with his Father to gape or yawn; which he refused; whereupon the indulgent and discreet mother cried prithee yonnce since the chield will have thee yonee; why then child yonce quoth he▪ the Son seeing that, cried out, Mother, Mother look yonder; is not that a vine Oven to bake a Turd in? On a Painter and a Glazier. I See you do all under colour (said the Glazier to the Painter seeing him at work) go your ways for a Rogue replied he, you are always picking quarrels. On a barren Gentlewoman too light. ONe told a Gentlewoman whorish and barren, that she was very fruitful; how can that be Sir, [said she] since I never had any children? That's nothing Madam, [said he] nevertheless you bear many. On a Gentlewoman's choice of a tall man. IT being left to the choice of a Gentlewoman which she would have of two Suitors, a tall man and a short one, which were both liked of her Parents; pausing a while, I would have [said she] that Iusty long man, if all things are proportionable. On a Covetous man. ONe said, a covetous man was never satisfied; why so [said his friend] Because [replied he] he thinks nothing enough. Why then [said the other] he is satisfied with the least, if nothing be enough for him. On a conceited Gentleman. ONe that had too great and good an opinion of himself, asked his friend what others thought of him; why [replied he] you appear to the wise foolish, to fools wise, what do you think of yourself? On riding post. A Gentleman being a great distance from his own house and having very urgent reasons for his speedy return, rid post, having supped, and being in bed with his wife, he said, Dearest excuse me to night that I pay not that tribute due to our loves; for I am so weary that I am uncapable of doing any thing but sleep: these words were none of the most pleasant you may think to a young sanguine Gentlewoman after a long absence of a Iusty husband. Not long after, walking in his back yard with his wife in his hand, he chanced to fee a Cock [he took great delight in] sitting in the Sun asleep rejecting the society of his fruitful wives: prithee sweet heart [said he] what ails my Cock that he thus hangs the head, and follows not the Hens? Indeed I do not know husband [said she] unless he hath lately ridden post. On a one eyed Captain. A Captain in the last expedition against the Hollander, having lost an eye by a Splinter, the other ever after was distempered, and continually watered; a merry friend of his asked him one day why that eye which he left wept so much? Alas [said he] how should it do otherwise having lately lost his only Brother and constant companion On a Soldier and a Louse. A Notable merry Soldier finding a Louse one day on his sleeve walking to and fro for the benefit of the fresh air, took him between his fingers, and said Sirrah, take notice if I ever catch you out of your Quarters again, you shall die, and so put him into his Collar. On a Farmer and his Son in the Inns of Court. A Farmer having placed his son in the Temple to study the Law came up to London to see how he did; coming to his Chamber, he found in the Keyhole of the door a note with these words, I am gone to the Devil, The poor man strangely startled cried out, ah! my dear child have I brought thee up so tenderly, took so much pains for thee, and at last should be so unhappy as to cause, thee to study that which sent thee to the Devil so speedily. A question wisely resolved. AN ignorant Country fellow, having as he thought bestowed some learning on his Son, would needs place him at the University; and to see it done, goes with him; as they were sitting in the Kitchen, the youth efpyed a long Kettle amongst the rest, pray Father [says he] what is that Kettle for? Introth Son [said he] I never saw such a one in all my life before; but I suppose it is that when they would have too several broths, they put the Fish in one end and the flesh in the other: the Boy hearing this makes answer, O the Devil lie you Father. On a shrewd cursed wife: TWo men walking through a Churchyard, one of them affirmed, that Hell was nothing else but the Grave, for Shool in the Hebrew signifies the Grave though it is translated Hell; the other having lately buried there a shrewd cursed wife, pointing to her Grave, said, them one of the greatest Devils in Hell is here. On a Tradesman and his lean Servant. ONe was jesting with his Maidservant who was passably handsome, but very lean; saying, I wonder Jane thou art no fatter thou dost eat thy meat hearty but dost not thrive upon it; thy Mistress eats not the forth part of what thou dost, and yet you see how plump she looks; to which she replied I only eat at Set meats but my Mistress hath her strong broths before dinner and her warm jellies after dinner, and puts more into her belly than you ever I saw or heard of. On a Citizen and his riotous Son. A Rich Citizen had a profuse extravagant to his son, who so angered his Father, that he vowed he would give all he had to the poor, in a little time this Son, with Dice and Box, Whores and Pox had spent all; whereupon he told his father that he might now give all his estate to him and not violate his vow, for he could not give it to one poorer than himself. On an old woman's Cunnys-kin. A Little Boy sitting with his Grandmother, by the fire side in the winter time, as she lifted up her coats to warm her thighs; he espied something between her legs, and would fain know what it was; it is [said she] a Rabbet-skin that your Mother brought me from Market; what, and have you burned a hole in't Granny? [says he?] On a doting old Tub-preacher. AN ignorant old fellow hopping from his stall into the Pulpit, instead of saying the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for a peace offering, read he offered up a pair of Gloves with a piece of Fringe. Another. AT another time he took his Text [being much in debt,] Have patience with me and I will pay you all; having largely and learnedly treated of the virtue of patience, especially in forbearing our Debtors here; but of the rest [said he] when God shall enable me. Another. THe Reader being sick, he was forced to officiate in his place, and resolving to give some of the Grandees a rub who had offended him, he turned to that Psalm wherein are these words, Man without understanding is like the Beast that perisheth, instead thereof, reads man without understanding, is like the best of the Parish. On a Lawyer and his handsome wife. A Gentleman reprehended a Lawyer; for tarrying so long in the Country from his wife, who had a fame so tempting, saying, that in his absence she might want due benevolence. That's nothing ●sai the Lawyer I will give her use at my return for ●●r forbearance: besides Sir, put the Case that any one owed you fifty pounds, whether would you have it altogether, or shilling by shilling? It is true [said the other,] one would rather have one's money altogether, yet it would vex you, if in your absence your wife should want a shilling and she be forced to borrow it. On a bald-pated Gentleman. A Gentleman that was bald pated took great delight in Hunting; one day he came hastily into his friend's chamber, [being serious at his study] and asked him if he would go and find a Hair. Pish [said the other] let me alone, let them go and find Hair● that have lost them. On an Irish man. IN the Kingdom of Ireland a Nobleman having an Irish man to his Footman, sent him four or five miles on a message, charging him to return by such an hour: The Footman went in all haste; but in his return his Brogue wanted mending, which caused him not to return according to the time, his Master being angry, demanded the reason of his tarrying▪ by my soul [quoth he] I did stay but while I had a heel-piece set upon my 〈◊〉. On a Wench gotten with child. ONe Mr. Holland got his Landladies maid with child, whose name was Nell Cotten; whereupon one wittily said, that he gave her a yard of Holland, she gave him an ell of Cotton, and what harm was there in all this. A Subtle device of a Welshman. A Welshman riding with a charge of money behind him, was set upon by a Thief, who bade him deliver immediately; or [drawing a Pistol] said he would make it bounce through him; says her so said the Welshman, why then her had better give her money that is her Masters, and spare her life that is her own, and thereupon delivered. Now pray Sir, said the Welshman, since her hath her money, let her hear one pounce for it; for her never heard the pounce of a Cun. The good natured Thief to satisfy the curiosity of the Welshman [whom he looked on as a very silly fellow] discharged his Pistol, which Echoed in many places, Cuds splutte and nails [said the Welshman] it was a gallant Pounce, and there was many little pounces too; good her Vrship let her have one pounce more for her money, and her will be satisfied: So the Thief discharged the other; at which the Welshman seemed better pleased then before, and asked if he had no more pounces: no said the Thief I have no more. No [said the Welshman] then her has one pounce in store, which her will make pounce through her immediately if her deliver not her money back presently, and so forced the Thief to redeliver. On a poor Cripple. A Poor Cripple being asked by a Gentleman, why he ma●●●ed a blind woman, because [said he] we shall agree the better, for neither can hit each other in the teeth, with one one another's infirmity. On a Parson and his Mother. A Country Parson having bitterly inveyed against the Vices of his Parishioners in his Sermon ● a silly woman that was present went to his Mother that lived hard by to complain of him, saying, that her Son had threatened them all with Hell and damnation, if they did not speedily amend; for my part I have lived above threescore years, and was never told so much before, neither will I be taught now by one & I am old enough to be his Grandmother. O said his Mother he was a Liar from his Cradle, I never whipped him but for telling an untruth, and you are mad if you believe him now. On a present of Medlars. A Country woman sent her daughter to a Lady with a present of ripe Meddlars, (well bred) said, that her Mother, had sent her worship some ripe Meddlars, that were as soft as Bran, but if she did not eat them quickly, they would not be worth one fart, for they were already as rotten as a turd, The Lady being 'scended at this Wenches rude behaviour, resolved to tell her Mother, meeting her one day after asked her if she had Thanked her for her present; she advised to teach her daughter more manners; Ah (replied she,) let me do what I will, I cannot mend her; and notwithstanding I have taught her from time to time how she should behave herself, yet she hath no more manners than there is in mine Arse. On a fellow selling Rams horns. AN arch roguish fellow one day got together a par●● of Rams-horns, and putting them in a baske● went up and down London streets in the month of March, crying six pence a pound fair Cherr●s, six pence a pound fair Cherrys; Many called to him; amongst the rest, a Hosier in Cheapside, who seeing what ware he had in his basket, laughed at him, saying, thou fool who dost think will buy thy horns? Oh Sir (said he) though you are provided, yet I may meet with some that are not. On a drunken young Heir. A Drunken young Heir, who had sold all his lands to maintain his lusts when by a surfeit he fell into a dangerous distemper, sent for a Physician, who understanding his disease, caused him to be let blood; sometime after looking on the blood; Sir (said he) your blood is very green: alas replied the young Heir, how can it be otherways, I have drank and eaten all my Cornfields and Meadows. On a Talkative Host. AN ignorant prating Host had bargained with a humorous Painter for the Sign of St, George and the Dragon; whilst he was at work, his Host being Importunate with the Painter to draw S. George with a dreadful kill countenance, repeating this request over and over again, which so madded the Painter, that leaving his work, said, mine Host, either be silent and leave your babbling, or the Devil take my wife if I do not make the Dragon kill St. George. On a Country Executor. A Rich farmer dying intestate, his Son came up to London to take out Letters of Administration of his estate; but being ignorant of the customs and terms belonging to the Spiritual Courts, he went first to an accquaintance of his, telling him, that his Father died detestate, leaving only him, and three or four small Infidels, and therefore he was devised to come up to London to a Counsellor of the Law, that he might by him be put in a way how to diminish the estate. Neck ●● nothing. A Conceited Person after he had writ several verses in praise of his Mistress beginning first with her head, and so proceeding upon every member down to her feet, missing ●● part but her Neck; O [said one] there is great 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●e res●rve● the Neck-verse for himself, knowing ●e shall have occasion for it hereafter. On a fellow laying a Wager with himself. A Very simple fellow walking in the fields alone, came to a ditch, and pausing a while; now Tom [said he] what dost think, canst leap over this ditch or no; troth [said he to himself [I can't tell but; if thou wilt Johnson [which was his Surname] I will lay thee five shillings I do; a match, and presently taking a good run with the advantage of the bank he leapt quite over. Ah! Boys [said he] I have won, but now Johnson wilt thou lay another thou canst not leap back again? Faith that's very difficult; but hang it I have won a crown, and I will venture it that I do; then taking a run as before, he leapt just in the middle up to the waste in mire and water; and crawling out on the other side, Hang it [says he] I don't much care I have neither won nor lost. The Countryman's mistake. AN ignorant Clown, who had the reputation of being a great Scholar in the Country because he could write and read, would not be satisfied till he saw the rarities of London: walking the streets he read on a Signpost, here are horses to be let 1670. Jesus [quoth he] if there are so many horses in one Inn, how many are there then in all this City? More afraid than hurt: A Gentleman [who never had the least acquaintance with wounds] in a Tavern Skirmish received a small scratch with a sword, who instantly made a hideous noise for a Chirurgeon E. M. was sent for, who presently perceiving the fright was greater than the hurt, pretended notwithstanding [for sport's sake] great danger, and therefore bid his man with all possible speed to run and fetch him such a Slave, why [why quoth the Gentleman] is the wound so dangerous? O yes [answered this witty Chirurgeon] for if he returns not the sooner, the wound will heal of itself and so I shall lose my fee. On a bad Book with a good preface. ONe reading an ingenious Preface before a foolish book, said he very much admired, they should come to be so matched together, in troth Sir [said another] they may be very well matched together, for they are nothing of kin. On a Maid with egg. A Petulant Doctor of Physic lay in a house, where there lived a Maid ignorant enough, but extremely handsome, fresh out of the Country; this Doctor used all means imaginable to win her to a venereal compliance, but nothing would prevail, neither fair words nor large presents; resolving to accomplish his design some way or other, he thought of this Strategem; looking one day very seriously [and seemingly sorrowful] in her countenance; Alas poor Betty [said he] and must I now lose thee? What do you mean Sir said she? I will tell thee replied the Doctor before it go too far: thou art breeding of Eggs: How can that be quoth she, very easily said he, and thereupon so subtly invaded her belief with I know not what stuff, neatly wrapped up in fine words, that she verily believed it, and asked him how she must be cured; said the Doctor come to my chamber after dinner, and I will endeavour to cure thee; thanking him she promised she would, & was as good as her word, The Doctor had something to do at first, to get her to lie down, saying, that her Eggs must be broken, or she could not be cured; but at length she yielded, and with his natural probe he searched her grief three or four times; having so done, he told her, that though he had broken some, yet there were more to break, and therefore bid her come again to morrow; which she did, and so did he as before; she now liked the manner of her cure so well, that she came of her own accord, till the Doctor growing weary, told her that her Eggs were now all broken; not so Mr. Doctor I am sure said she, for there are at least two or three to break still; well says the Doctor, I'll break them, and then it is a cure: having so done, she went away well satisfied; a little while after, her Mistress seeing her puke up and down in every place, asked her what was the matter; indeed Mistress said she I know not, unless I am breeding of more Eggs; what dost mean quoth her Mistress? why forsooth said she, a little while a go I was with Egg, and certainly I had died, if our good Doctor had not cured me. On Mum. ONe seeing on a Coffee sign written here is Mum to be sold, said it was good Rhyme; how can that be said the other? why thus said he Her's Mum to be S, O, L, D. On a Countryman and a Ship. A Countryman having never seen a Ship, came to the Custome-house-key; where seeing so many wonders, he chanced to ask a Dutchman what that was called, pointing to a great Ship; ich queet neet, and what do you call that, siad he, pointing to a less: ich queet neet said he again (that is I understand not) hey day (said the Country fellow) are there great Queet neets and little Queet neets to●? Being afterwards informed it was called a Ship▪ he asked how old it was? It is two years old said one: How (said the fellow) and so big already? Lord what a huge Masty thing it will be, by that time it is as old as I am. On Irish women. A Gentleman that lived in Ireland was asked by another that had never seen the Country what kind of women there were in Ireland. Sir, said he, the women are generally straight, clear skinned▪ and well proportioned, but that their middles are a little too big for want of Swathing when young; I, said the other, and I have heard that the legs are monstrously big too; Pish, said he, we lay them aside. On a pragmatical Scholar. A Conceited pragmatical, coming into a mixed company, talked incessantly; and to show his wit and learning, singled out one whose countenance promised little, yet an excelleut Scholar, and asked him many frivolous questions, which he answered purposely very slightingly, or replied to them not at all, this Pragmatico grew to that impertinence as to ask him, whether he had ever learned his Grammar? yes said he; to try you said the other? Despauters said he; to try you said the other, his second Rule is this, Esto foemineum recepit quae foemina tantum. now said he Mater, cujus generis, mother what Gender is it, to which the other replied Mater si sit tua est communis, Mother if mine is the feminine gender, if thine the Common. That play is a remedy against the Seven deadly Sins. A Young Gentleman being much addicted to play was sharply rebuked for it by his relations, and that availing little, a Minister was sent to him, who told him, that Play or Gaming was the worst of vices; nay there you are out, said the other, for it is a remedy against all vices; and particularly against the Seven deadly Sins; for how can you call him a covetous man, that cannot endure to keep his money in his pocket? for how can you call him a luxurious? who is content to lose his sleep and victuals, if he had an opportunity to play; How can you call him choleric? when he is the potentest man living when not out-hectored? How can you call him a Glutton or Drunkard? when he will not spair that money from play, that will purcahse a good dinner with a bottle of wine; How can he be said to be slothful and and negligent? when his hands and feet are always in action? the one beating the hoof through the whole Town? to get employment for the other; Lastly how can he be said a proud man? when having lost five pound among Gentlemen, he will condescend to play for brass-farthings with Apprentices. On a Creditor. A Gentleman possessed with an extraordinary good nature, lent another forty shillings for his good company's sake never expecting a return, knowing his inability. After the loan of this money, this Ingrate shunned the society of his Creditor; and if he, saw him in the streets strait hastened another way; which this Gentleman took notice of, One time seeing him, he made after him; and catching him by the arm, said; why eat you me, was I not your friend, wherein have I disobliged you, that I should not be so still; if the debt hath made any difference I forgive it you, and assure yourself I will not hazard the loss of my friends in like manner for the time to come. How to borrow from ones self, Be sparing in expense. On the hand in the Placket. TWo Comedians acting upon the Stage the parts of Servingmen; one asked the other to go drink, whither shall we go said one; the other replied (espying a fellow groping a wench in the Gallery) let us go to the Hand in Placket; thereupon the fellow sneaked away his hand; which the other perceiving, cried out; nay friend, if you remove the sign, we shall hardly find the house. On killing the Devil. A Country fellow overthrew his Cart, a great distance from any houses, so that he was in a great strait for want of help; in the mean time came a Parson, who thinking to make himself merry, said, how now friend, I see thou hast killed the Devil; a (common saying upon such occasions) introth you say right (said the fellow) for as I have killed the Devil, so I have stayed here these two bours waiting for a Parson to bury him. A prudent reproof from a patiented Cuckold. A Very honest and prudent Gentleman had the ill fortune to marry a wife a grain too light; one day returning home he went up the stairs, and found his Chamber door open, entering, he caught his wife, and the Adulterer (who wereso intent upon their sport that they minded nothing else) in the very act: the Gentleman seemingly unmoved, said, wife, wife, indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my reputation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelessness: Sure in a business, that so nearly concerns us both, you might have shut the door; I pray consider what if any one else had come and caught you in this posture, and so went and left them; the mildness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this woman, that she ever after abhorred the thought of enjoying any other man but her husband. A wish come to pass. A Captain (whom I shall forbear to name) in the last engagement against the Dutch, had his Arm shot off within three inches of his shoulder; as he was dressing he fell a laughing; one standing by asked him the reason, why (said he) I can't but think of a wish that I have often made, viz that my P— were as long as my arm, and now introth so it is. A mistake. A Person not belonging to the College, put in his horse in a Field thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no notice thereof, the Master of that College sent his man to him, bidding him say if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his Tail: say you so said this Person? go tell your Master, if he cuts off my horse's Tail, I will cut off his ears; the Servant returning, told his Master what was said, whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who appearing, said the Master, how now Sir what mean you by that menace you sent me? Sir; (said the other) I threatened you not, for I only said if you did cut off my horse's tail I would cut off his ears, not yours Sir, but my horses. On Doctor Collins and Mr. Field. MR. Field, that was but an undergraduate; meeting Doctor Collins Saluted him thus, Salve colendissime Colins, to which he replied, Salve Ager colende. On a Frenchman. A Frenchman that spoke very broken English, bespoke a dish of Fish being on the table, and seeing but little Pepper; by the corruption of his pronunciation, he called for more Piss instead of Spice, the woman took away the dish, and did as she thought he bid her and brought it in again; I say said he a little more Piss, with that she carried it out and her daughter pissed upon it, and then brought it in, but he still cried a little more Piss, well Sir said she, I will warrant you shall have enouhg now, and then carried it to her Maid a straping Girl, but the Frenchman was still unsatisfied, and cried out for more Piss; well Sir let me tell you, I, my Daughter, and Maidservant have all pissed as much we can upon it, and if that will not satisfy you even piss upon it yourself. A pleasant last Will and Testament. A Notable Joking man lying sick on his death bed, left out his wife in his will, her friends hearing thereof, came and pressed him to leave his wife somewhat more than the custom of the City will allow her; I will said the Sick man send presently for a Scrivener, for I am just upon departing; the Scrivener being come he said, writ, I leave my wife ah, ah, ah; oh he is dying said his wife apace; I do (said the sick) I say I leave my wife alas, alas, alas, come pray Sir said the Scrivener what do you leave your wife; why then I say I leave my wife the greatest C in Christendom. On a Son of a Whore. A Son of a whore, and a Son for a whore, was boasting one day in company what a brave fellow he was calling the rest Cuckoldly Bastards; I am sure (said he) I am no son of a Cuckold, for my Father was never married, and by that means called himself son of a whore. On a Squint eyed Scholar. ONe seeing a Scholar that looked very much asquint, Sure (said he) this man must be more learned than his fellows for with one cast of his eye he can read both sides of the book at once. On a great headed fellow. ONe that had a very great head like a Great thick rined Orange, but no juice of wet in it, was reprehended for speaking nonsense; well (said he) it is not for want of ignorance that I now speak nonsense. On a Fiddler. OF idler being desired ta play a new Tune Sir (says he) let me stand behind your back, and I will play you a Tune was never played before. On a Picture. ONe looking on a Picture said; this must needs be an excellent Art, who would not be hanged to be thus drawn forth and quartered. On a woman's will. A Woman lying sick to death, desired her husband's leave to make her will; that needs not [said he,] you have had your will all your life time, and would you have your will when you are dead too. On the Hiccock. ONe having got the drunken Hiccock by drinking Aqua Caelestis, Rosa Solis, Aqua Angelica and ●●e like; this it is [says he.] too be too forward in understanding such latin as these waters, that a man must afterwards be put to decline Nouns with the Articles hic hoc, when he hath not English enough to bring himself to bed. On a Monkey. A Monkey being tied on a Mastiffs back, the Dog ran away with him; which an old woman seeing, cried out, well rid I protest young Gentleman. On a Sow and Pigs. ONe asked another what he would give for his Sow and Pigs; nothing [quoth he] for the Sow, and less for the Pigs, if you will take that, bring 'em in. On a blind man. A Young man asked a blind man's counsel how to choose a wife, I'll tell you [quoth he,] let me see her countenance. Awitty saying of H. P. HE was wont to say that in Europe there were neither Scholars enough, Gentlemen enough, nor Jews enough; one time it was answered him, that of all these three there was rather too great a plenty then scarcity; whereupon he replied, if there were Scholars enough, so many would not be double or trobble beneficed; if Gentlemen enough, so many Peasants would not be reckoned among the Gentry; and if Jews enough, so many Christians would not profess Usury. On G. Withers. GEo. Withers having writ a Poem, in which he predicted the countenance of a free State, called it it the Perpetual Parliament; a little after the Parliament was dissolved, and a Gentleman meeting the said Mr. Whithers, told him he was a pitiful Prophet, and a pitiful Poet, otherwise he had not wrote such pitiful predictions, for a pitiful Parliament. On Hugh Peter. HVgh Peter's meeting Col. Hewson, merrily said to him, how now son where's your blessing? Hewson not well conceiving what he said, asked what he meant; why (quoth Hugh) I mean to teach you your duty; know you not who I am, I am Hugh, and as I take it you are Huhgs son. On Travel. ONe being asked when was the best time to take a journey? The other replied when you have a good Horse, money good store in your purse, and good company. On a Whore. ONe asked another what a fine gaudy whore was like; the other who much delighted in Smiles, said, she was like a Squirrel; the other surprised at the strangeness of the comparison, asked him how he made that out? It is plainly (said the other) for she covers her whole body with her tail. On a Painter and a Citizen. A Citizen asked a Painter what excellent pieces he had drawn of late; only one estimable, which is the picture of Actaeon turned into a Hart, and hunted by his Hounds, so lively protrayed, that every one who saw it, said it was a Citizen pursued by Sergeants. On a Slop-seller. AN Apothecary was drunk to by one in the company, who said Brother her's to you; the proud Apothecary asked him upon what account he called him Brother? quoth the other we are Brethren by Trade; for I understand you are an Apothecary and I am a Slop-seller. The danger of learning. A Country fellow seeing a man standing in the Pillory for forgery with his fact legibly written before him with hundreds about him; the Clown asked for what fault that fellow stood there? One asked him, whether he could read? Not I in faith, I can neither read nor write said he; than you are a Dunce said the other, not to read at those years: now since you are so ignorant I'll tell you why that fellow stands in the Pillory, it is for counterfeiting men's hands to which the Country fellow replied; a Plague on you for a company of proud Knaves; you had need to brag so much of your breeding; you may see what your writing and your reading brings you to. A Quibble. A Gentleman coming to his friend's house at breakfast time, was saluted with the latter fragment or cantel of a cheese, which looked as thin and as crooked as the Moon in her last quarter; the Gentleman encouraged his friend to eat by saying it was sent him as a present from an accomplished Lady at Windsor; I thought it came from Windsor said the other when I saw it so near Eton. A Logical Quibble. ONe said he sung as well as most men in Europe, and thus he proved it, the most in Europe do not sing well, therefore I sing as well as most men in Europe. On a Rumper. ONe of the Rump-Parliament complained of the great quantity of Rain that fell, what unreasonable men you Parliament are (said a slander by) you would neither have God Rain nor the King. On Bailiffs. ONe asked another which was the best way to run from a Bailiff, in troth (said he) I think the best way is to run him through. A Quibble. TWo Barbers meeting in Easter-week, the one asked the other if he had a good Eve on't, in troth said (said the other) I think it was the worst Eve that ever came since Adam. A gross Compliment. ONe being invited with his wife and daughter to dinner on a Sabbath day, brought along with him two little Dogs, coming to the house he thus saluted the Invitor with this compliment, Sir do you want any bold guests? I have brought my whole family with me, myself and two Bitch's, my wife and daughter. On a flat nosed fellow. A Flat nosed fellow (who doubtlessly had long time laboured under a Covent-Garden distemper) going to Old-street snuffling, asked one which was the way to Rotten-row? the other replied follow your nose. A notable retort on a quibbling Lady. A Very facetious and quibbling Lady cutting up▪ a Pig at dinner, asked a Gentleman whom she had often out-witted, whether he loved Pigg, and whether she should help him to some? I thank you Madam (said he) I love nothing that comes from a Sow. On a high flown profuse Gallant. AN old griping Citizen dying, left a fair revenue to his son, who as profusely spent it, as his Father had carefully raked it together: One day growing angry with his Coachman for driving no faster, called to him, saying, drive faster, or I'll come out and kick you to the Devil; Sir said the Coachman, I protest, if you do, I'll there tell your Father, how extravagantly you now spend that Estate he left you. On a Crooked Ninepences A Gentleman having to his first wife a very lovely woman, she dying, he Married one that was ill featured, & worse form, being extremely crooked; a friend of his taking notice of his extravagant choice, reproved him, saying, I wonder Sir where your eyes were when you made this choice; alas said the other, it was not so much a choice of mine, as a gift, a bended token sent me by Providence: said the other I am sorry for it, I am sure your former wife was a brave noble woman; it is true said the other, and now you may see how time makes waste, I have brought that Noble to Ninepences. On three Country Attorneys. TErm being ended, three Country Attorneys travelling homewards, overtook a Carter; being on the merry pin, they fell a jeering him, ask him how his fore horse became so fat, and the rest so lean? The Carter (knowing them to be Attorneys) replied, my fore-horse is a Lawyer, and the rest are his Clients A notable saying of a Lad. A Youth standing by whilst his Father was at play; observing him to lose a great deal of money, burst out into tears, his Father asked him the reason why he wept: O Sir I have read that Alexander the great wept when he heard his Father Philip had conquered a great many Towns, Cities, and Countries fearing, that he would leave him nothing to win; but I weep the contrary way, fearing if you continue this course, you will leave me nothing to lose. A witty reparty. A Gentleman carried his friend down into the Cellar to give him the Civility thereof; his friend observing there was no seat there for him to sit on, asked what was his reason for so doing? Because said he, I will have no man that comes hither, drink longer than he can stand. On Ludgate. ONe said, if he was to choose his Prison, it should be Ludgate, because none came thither but they had their freedom. On Tyburn. TWo riding by Tyburn, one seeing no remainder of ropes, said, methinks Tyburn looks very poorly; said the other, there is no hopes it should thrive there are so many hangers on. The greatest wonders. THe question being asked, which were the greatest wonders in the world; it was answered, women's and Lawyers tongues, because they did always lie, yet never lie still. On a Lease. ONe came bragging from the Court of Aldermen that he was promised by them a Lease of the next house that self; to whom another replied, had it been my case, I should have petitioned rather for a house that stood. A notable piece of Justice. A Fellow and a wench taken one evening suspiciously in a pound together, were by the Constable committed, and the next morning brought before a Justice; but they standing both obstinately in their innocence the Justice called the Wench aside, and promised her faithfully, if she would confess the fact as guilty, she should go unpunished for that time. By his subtle insinuation she confessed the truth, whereupon the Justice commended her, & sent the fellow to prison: at length as she was taking her leave (thinking herself at liberty, the Justice called her back, and asked her what the fellow had given her for her consent she told him (if it pleased his Worship) he had given her half a crown. Truly woman, said the Justice, that doth not please my Worship; for though for thy fornication I have acquitted thee, yet for thy extortion I must of force commit thee, for taking half a crown in the Pound: and sent her to the house of correction to bear her friend company. FOREIGN JESTS; WITTY Repartees, etc. A pleasant Answer made to Henry the Fourth of FRANCE. HEnry the Fourth, commonly called Henry the Great, riding one day near Paris, espied an ancient man with a coal black Beard, but the hair of his Head was as white as milk: This mighty Prince having a mind to divertise himself, caused this old fellow to be brought before him, and then asked him, how it came to pass, that the hair of his Head seemed so much older than that of his Beard: The old man briskly replied, It was no wonder since the hair of his Beard was younger than that of his Head by twenty years at least. A Contest about Religion. THE Deputies of Rochel attending one day to speak with his Majesty, it happened that there came at the same time a Doctor of Physic of the same place, who had renounced the Protestant Religion, to embrace the Roman Catholic; for which cause the sight of this man did so enrage them, that they could not forbear railing aloud although they were so near the Presence-Chamber: His Majesty hearing this irreverent noise demanded what was the matter, and was informed, that the Deputies of Rochel were very much incensed against one of their Doctors, for changing his Religion from Protestancy to Popery: Is that all said his Majesty? (very pleasantly) bring them before me; being brought, how now said the King, What angry (speaking to the Deputies) because your Doctor hath gained by his exchange? Let me advise you, change too, and that in time, for it is a dangerous sign and portends your Religion not long lived, when her Physician hath left, and given her over. A pleasant and sharp reparty of the same King to a strange Gentleman. A Gentleman having never been at Paris, got, by what means I know not into the Gallery in the Lovure, and was so taken with the curious Pictures that he was nothing but wonder and amazement; in the mean time his Majesty happened to pass by, who seeing a stranger. with a body gently clad, gapeing like a Bumpkin, as if he had hardly ever seen a Picture before, approached him, and asked the Gentleman whom he belonged to, this fop Jauntie thinking himself affronted, answered, surely that he belonged to himself; you had a fool and a clown to your Master then (said the King) that could furnish you with no better manners. A Painter's Joke on two Cardinals. TWO Cardinals at Rome hearing of a very famous Painter who had most admirably painted St. Peter with some other of the Apostles; sent for him with orders to bring those effigies with him; at sight thereof these Cardinals were amazed at his stupendious Art, found fault with nothing but that their faces were too red, and sanguine; your pardon, may it please your Eminences (said he in a submissive voice) I have not pictured them as when they were on Earth who mortified the flesh, that they might the better sow the seeds of the Gospel; but I have depainted them as they are now in Heaven, ashamed, and therefore blush to see the Lives of their Successors so lose and so licentious. A pleasant Answer of a Franciscan Friar to a Zealous Catholic. A Franciscan Friar being mounted one day on a very good Horse was rancountred by a serious Citizen, who told him, that being of the Order of St. Francis he wondered to see him on Horseback, and since that St. Francis was always known to go a foot: he wondered he durst make so slight of that Sacred Oath which obliged him, and his Brethren to follow that holy man. Well said (said the Franciscan) you do well to put me in mind of my duty, in following our Patron St. Francis, and that I might not be slack in the performance I am therefore now mounted, for he being gone so long before, I despaired of ever reaching him a foot, and, setting Spurs to his Horse said, That unless he road a gallop or full speed, he should be some ages before he could overtake him. An Ass preferable before an Horse. A merry Swisser going one day into the Fields with his Master, desired leave of his Master to ask him a question; the Master knowing him to be a Roguish witty fellow, gave him liberty: Why then Sr. said he, you see an Horse and Ass yonder feeding together, if you were forced to be a Beast, which of them two would you be? you fool, said the Master I would be a Horse, as being the nobler and more generous Creature; I'm of another opinion replied the Switz, for I would be an Ass; his Master unable to forbear laughing asked him the reason: the reason said he is, I have often seen an Ass ride the great Horse; stalk stately before his Company upon some annual solemnity; be chosen a Justice, and as frequently his name and ignorance guilded with the splendid dignity of Knighthood, but never knew an Horse capable of these preferments. A pleasant Harangue made by a Soldier to Prince Maurice. A Walloon Serjeant walking in the Court at the Hague, demanded of a Captain in that place, by what means he might speak with the Prince of Orange? the Captain told him, if he would have a little patience the Prince would not belong he would come that way; he had no sooner said these words but his Highness appeared, whereupon this Boar, the Walloon, being confident in his own Eloquence and Barbarous Gaulish Dialect, addressed himself in these words: Sr. Your Excellency must know, that our Ensign is dead, now I being the eldest Sergeant the Colours belong to me. The Prince seeing a man of that bulk, imagined he had a Soul as large, and therefore bid him speak on boldly: but he instead of enlarging himself sung only the same notes over again. The Prince being in a very good humour at that time, asked him, how long he had served the States? let me see (said this Walloon, and thereupon drew an old Book out of his pocket) I— let me see— I now I, have it, I came in the same year to serve the States, that your Excellency ran away before Groll. Upon an unskilful ill tuned Songster. THere was a Gentleman in France was very much conceited of his singing (although he had neither Voice nor Judgement) and would be always humming some Religious tunes, as Anthems, or bawl out aloud; a notable facetious Woman living very near him, and by that means was perpetually troubled with his insufferable noise, there being no remedy, she was contented only with putting this trick upon him, and that was every time he sang she wept, and the louder his Voice the greater abundance of her Tears; the Gentleman observing this several times, demanded of the Woman, why she wept when he sung (thinking to himself that he had so raptured her with his harmonical voice, that thereby her Soul was winged for an immediate flight to Heaven:) to this question the Woman thus replied; I may well weep (said she) since not long ago I lost the staff of my Life, and the support of my Children; in short Sir, My great loss was an Ass that did us a thousand kindnesses, now Sir your voice and his methinks are so extremely alike, that I never hear you sing but it puts me in mind of my poor Ass, the loss of whom I shall never sufficiently condole. Of a Protestant Minister and an Italian Gentleman. A Young Italian Gentleman being led by curiosity into Holland, where having lived some time conversing with the most ingenious, was one day set upon by a Protestan Minister who would needs engage him in a controversy about Religion. The young Gentleman, knowing himself too weak for the encounter, begged his divertion and endeavoured to wave the discourse; but the more he avoided it, the more hotly was he pressed by the Minister, whereupon the young Italian in a very great passion conjured him by all that is good to let him alone in peace with his Religion, for (said he) I cannot embrace yours, and if you make me lose my own, I will never make choice of any other. Of an Italian and an Ass. A Country fellow wanting money came to Pom●. there offered his Ass to sale he quickly met wi●h a Chapman, who (having agreed about the price) demanded of the Countryman, very seriously, what bade, o● good conditions the Ass had in him, I will assure you (said ●e) here is not a bett●● Ass in Italy; say you so (said ●e other) nay then ●'ll promise you this if I find him as good as you say, I will be not only a friend to him but a Brother. Of a great man who had lost the remembrance of himself. A poor pitiful Boar, in process of time became a rich Burgomaster, who one day walking in the streets was accosted by such another Tatterdemalion as himself was formerly, and one of his intimate acquaintance; this upstart Burgo master walked stately on, taking no notice of him; this made my Jag-rag the more pressing, and pulling him by the Sleeve said Old friend what don't you know me? ●he other replied hastily, and with an austere countenance) How the Devil should I know or rememb●r 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 I have forgot my own being obliged by my grandeur to take no cognisance of the vileness of 〈…〉 … e quondam poverty of my own. A reparty of a Lady to her Lover. A Gentleman of good quality in Paris, and a great amorist, was also very Phlegmatic, ('tis strange two such contrary Elements should agree in one body:) I say this Monsieur, by one day being in the Society of some Ladies, fixed his eyes upon one of an extraordinary beauty in such sort, that they were never withdrawn from her, but when he turned about to spit, by reason of the continual overflowing of his mouth: this Gentlewoman frequently observing the watering of his mouth, smilingly demanded of him the cause, who cunningly answered her, that his mouth watered being near so delicate and choice a bit, yet dare not taste thereof; If so Sir, (said she briskly) stand further off, and do not approach nearer, lest you be turned into that watery Element. Stolen delights strangely discovered. A Country fellow designed one night to rob a Gentleman's Orchard, and being just got up into a Tree he saw two approaching towards him (which were the Servingman and Chambermaid of the House) the sight of these persons made him lie as covert as he could, whereas on the otherside these Amorists eagerly pursuing their sport, did not discover the Fellow in the Tree under which they had passed so many amorous Careers; and being now wea●●e●, the Chambermaid had time to vent these fears her resistless Appetite would not admit into her thoughts before, in this manner, Dear heart you have had your will against my will, and what if I should now prove with Chil●? what will become of it and me; praythee? (said he) Ta●● not care for that, there is one above will make (no doubt) sufficient provision for you both: the Fellow in the Tree hearing this, and being glad of this opportunity to scare them away, that he might the better accomplish his Thieving design, spoke indifferently loud; saying, ●●e see you ●ang'd ere I'll maintain any Wh●re of you all, and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 keep any Bastards to besure they shall be of my ●wn ●e getting. On two Roman Catholics going ●nto a Protestant Church as the Congregation 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 JUst as the Sermon was ended ●● a Church at Amsterdam, it happened that two R●man 〈◊〉 entered therein; a Burgess seeing them to 〈◊〉 friend by the hand who knew them very well▪ look there said he, as the Children of Light are going ●ut of the Church, the Children of Darkness are en●ering in; one of these Catholics hearing this, shortly and sharply replied, you have deprived us of our Light and we are forced to see● after it 〈◊〉 we 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 intimating the particular restraint said on Roman Catholics by the 〈◊〉, more strict 〈◊〉 on any other Religion. A Fellow rewarded w●● 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 against 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Within one of the 〈◊〉 of the United 〈◊〉 the●e 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Scribbler, who 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 against the House of Austria, and presented it to the Governor of the same place, which was a person of the most Ancient Family of Nassaw. The Governor having read it, dissembled his displeasure, but with a kind of a feigned smile, told him, that his Invective was as sharp as could be imagined. Sir, said the Author, I have one in the Press as sharp again; let me see it said the Governor: this Libellous Author thinking he should be highly rewarded brought him this second Copy; in which was writ, as in the former, a Thousand notorious and scandalous lies, not sparing the bespattering of the then virtuous Infanta with lewd Reproach and Obloquy; nor omitting the King, Emperor, etc. The Governor hardly forbearing the concealment of his great Indignation, bid him come in the afternoon and his reward should be ready: taking his leave of his Excellency he returns home to his Friends, further fraught with joy and hopes then an East India Ship with Pepper comes at the time appointed. He went to wait for his Reward, and the Governor hearing of the coming of this Libeler, ordered him to go up such a pair of stairs and there he should meet with a person should give him his due; coming to the top of the stairs, he was asked, whether he was the man that wrote the Libel, he answered very jollily, That he was the Person that had served his Country with his Pen, though he could not with his Sword: and that he had (he thought) painted the King of Spain, and Emperor to the Life in their own proper Colours: pray Sir come in said the other, I have order to give you double recompense; where presently he was seized by half a dozen strong Fellows, and being stripped they gave him forty lashes on the bare back with a Cat of nine tails, and were laid on by remembering him, that the first was for the Emperor. The second for the King of Spain. The third for the Infanta. And the fourth for Marquis Spinola. And so over with them again till the number was expired; at which time the Governor came in and told him, that this Punishment was the least of his desert, for abusing so Illustrious a House as that of Austria, and that though an Enemy, should not be abused with the scandalous Reproaches of every lying Pamphleteer; let all such like this, wear their reward on their backs, and not in their purses. The Zealous Soldier. A certain Swisser, a Soldier and Roman Catholic, being in France, was solicited by some French Gentlemen to go with them into Holland to serve the States thereof. Having demanded of them if the Hollanders were Catholics, and they affirming to him they were, he readily condescended to their Proposition. Being in the Army of the Prince of Orange in the Field; and seeing no Priests, Monks, Altars, nor Images, he went and told his Captain, that he was merely deluded, and that he would never serve the Hugonots against the Catholics but against his Conscience; the Captain seeing him refractory, and would not march, he caned him sufficiently but the Swiss regarded it not, crying ou●, that he had rather die then bare Arms against his Religion: ●● that very instant the Prince of Orange came ●●● and understanding the matter, caused the 〈◊〉 he brought before him, and commanding him 〈◊〉, he furnished him with Tabor and Pipe, with several antic baubles; saying, Go Soldier since thou wilt not bear Arms against the Catholics, carry thess pretty knacks to them. A pleasant conceit of a Dog-whipper of Amsterdam. HEre was a pleasant Comical Dog-whipper of a Church, who on the Weekdays carried Turfs in Amsterdam; this man had a great mind to see Antwerp, and taking his Wife along with him made a journey thither; having seen the famous Churches the Citadel, and other things remarkable, they went to the Tavern intending to drink a pot of Beer, having possessed themselves of a Room, the Maidservant, having been courteously bred made a very low curtsy, saying, What will you be pleased to drink Seigneor? at which, this Turf-Porter confounded with so great an honour whispered his Wife in the ear, How comes this Kate, a Seigneor at Antwerp, and a Dog-whipper in Amsterdam, certainly (speaking still low) I will not behave myself unworthy of this honour (then raising his voice) go fetch me a Pottle of Wine; at this his Wife cried out, why John, what mean you John? we have not money enough to do it; what of all that (said he) it is but ingageing my honour, I will pay it next time I come to Antwerp; in the mean time I must acknowledge these people more justly civil and respectful than my own Countrymen. Another of the same. ONe day some witty Drolls met with this Dog-whipper, who asked him whether he would not be content to change his double Employment for the single one of being a Secretary of some Town in Holland; at which question he fell into such a loud fit of laughter that the Company could not forbear laughing to see such variety of Grimaces in his face, which when it grew a little calmer, Gentlemen (said he) My shoulders are broad and strong enough to bear a hundred mands of Turf a day, but my Head although it be big enough, or, as some say, too big; yet is it too weak and feeble to carry a secret one quarter of an hour: besides, I have heard, that Secretaries ought to abstain from Wine; for my part, I should sell all the secrets of my Noddle for one Pottle. That man's most happy that is contented with his own, and covets not another's Fortune. A Burgo-masters pleasant Treat to a Protestant Preacher. A certain Minister of the Reformed Religion Preaching one Sabbath day in Amsterdam, took an occasion to lose his Text, that he might find out a digressive discourse on the Magistrates of that City, several whereof were present at that time; in his Sermon he first proved▪ that Magistrates were as Gods on Earth, and that the Ministers were as Angels; after this he much inveighed against the ●piness and carelessness of the former, in 〈◊〉 Popish Idolatry to be so openly professed, with Judaisme, etc. and his Zeal prompted him to say, that they should one day be answerable for their negligence, reproving them also for many notorious Sins, etc. After Sermon some of the Magistrates sent for him, and having severely checked him for his Insolence and seditious Eloquence, told him, that if he ever did the like, that though he made them Gods, they would make a Devil of him, and throw him out of the Paradise of his Living into the Hell of a Dungeon? A foolish Proposition answered accordingly. THere is a Village in Holland at the end whereof stands a Church built by the command of St. Villebrord. One day some of the foolish Peisantry of the Town were got together in a Tavern, where amongst other of their ridiculous discourse, there was a grand consultation how they should make the Church stand in the middle of the Town, the one propounded this way, and another that way, and both contradicted by a third, as a thing impossible; at length one stands up with much Gravity, Brethren (said he) I think you are all mistaken, therefore my advice is this, seeing the Church cannot be removed (and yet you would have the fulfilling of your desires) build as many Houses beyond it as there is on this side thereof, and then you will find the Church stand just in the middle of the Town. A remarkable Challenge between a Rodomontade and a Picard. THere was a Rodomontade in Paris who huft after so strange a rate, that he pretended he could outdo all the wonderful exploits performed by the chief ancient Masters of Knight-errantry; this vaunting made him terrible to such as knew him not. One day being in company he was strangely admired by all saving a Picard who showed him little or no respect, not so much out of design, as for want of breeding. This Rodomontade, observing the slighting of the Picard, began to swell, being in a mighty Passion: and reproached the Picard for his Clownery, in not paying that due respect to his person which is the merit of his virtue: the Picard told him bluntly, that if others worshipped an Ass, he was not bound to do the like. How said the Rodomontade, darest thou speak to me without trembling? Thou shalt repent for this: to which the other replied, he feared him not; nay then said this Rodomontade I see thou art weary of thy Life, meet me to morrow, at such a place, singly, and there I will do thee the kindness to dispatch thee out of thy pain. The Picard told him resolutely, He would meet him with his Sword, and accordingly, the next morning early, he went into the Field, and having waited there about two hours, at length comes the Rodomontade- scarecrow, who made such a noise as he came, that he frighted all the B●●ds from their Nests and Coverts as he passed through the Forest of Fontain-blean. As soon as he saw the Picard, he made a thousand Grimaces and as man bravadoes, ask him at a great distance, whether he was apprehensive of death, or whether he longed to die. Advance nearer said the Picard, and I will quickly inform you. Hereupon the Rodomontade stood still, and asked him whether he had a Wife and Children, yes, yes said the Picard, but what is that to our purpose? come draw. Ah (said the Rodomontade) I am sorry that thy Wife must be a Widow, and thy Children Orphans; for I am invincible and have already slain with this right hand above ten Thousand Cavaliers: Hadst thou (said the Picard) sought the Devil, and killed his Grandchild in single Combat, yet would I fight thee, therefore defend thyself or thou art a dead man: at this our bouncing Cavalier drew back, crying out to the Picard to have a little patience; but the Picard's passion it seems had no ears, and began to lay about him stoutly, the Rodomontade seeing in what danger he was in, begged the Picard to hear him but one word; I see (said he) that thou art a gallant brave fellow, and what a pity is it then, that thou shouldst fall by my arm; come, I am generous, and merciful, beg then thy Life and I'll give it thee; I scorn it said the Picard, therefore once more guard thyself, or I'll run thee through: Nay then replied the Rodomontade, since thou wilt not demand thy life of me, I'll beg mine of thee: which last words so tickled the Picard with laughter, that he could not find in his heart to do him any further mischief. Upon falling out by overmuch drinking Wine. TWO Gentlemen drinking at a Tavern at the Hague very smartly, the one accused the other for not doing him reason, the other told him he lied and gave him a box on the Ear, hereupon commenced a Challenge, although they were both so Drunk that they knew not how to name their Weapons they were to fight with. The next morning they met, but knew not upon what grounds they were to fight, and therefore instead of fight fell to capitulating, both protesting they knew not the cause of the Quarrel: a person standing by, who was concerned as a Second told them, He knew nothing but the Wine which bred the difference: If that be all said the Combatants, The Wine that made us fall out, shall make us fall in again. Upon Controversy in Religion. AN English Lord and French Mons'r were deeply engaged in a Controversy, which was the best Religion; many Arguments were produced pro and con, at length Mons'r appealed to a Great Man that was (as he thought) of his own persuasion; whether he had not produced invincible Arguments in confirmation of the verity of his Religion. Of mine said this Nobleman, you mistake Sir, I am as yet of none at all, nor never like to be of any, till our Teachers, Schoolmen, Learned Divines, and such who for several Ages have disputed, are agreed which of all Religions is the surest Guide to Heaven. On a Gentleman of Naples. THE Viceroy of Naples in a great Siege, made a strict Order, wherein it was adjudged Death for any man above and under such an age to walk in any part of the City without a Sword; one day as himself and retinue were riding through the City to see how well this Order was observed, he saw a Gentleman without a Sword, who was presently brought before the Viceroy, and then was the Order read, and for contempt thereof was Sentenced to die; and because he was a Gentleman, he was to be slain by the next Gentleman that past that way; it was not long ere one appeared exactly qualified for the business to outward appearance though it proved otherwise, for this Gentleman had been Gaming, and had lost not only all his Money, but the very blade of his Sword, and had instead thereof fixed to the Hilt a Wooden Blade, not daring to go home without having the resemblance of a Sword by his side, this Gentleman was stopped by the way, and made acquainted with the Viceroy's severe Sentence, who hearing it, and knowing his own insufficiency, was extremely startled, and withal, with much eagerness pressed the Viceroy to excuse him, alleging, that should he be made an Executioner, it would be a perpetual stain to his Family; all his supplications availed nothing, so that he must do the Work: in order thereunto he stripped himself of his lose Garments and after this devoutly kneeled, praying that God would forgive him for what he was going about, etc. but particularly prayed, That if the Gentleman ought not to die that his Sword miraculously might be turned into wood; having ended his prayer he arose and whipping out his Sword to run the Gentleman through, who stood ready prepared to receive the Thrust, his Sword appeared a shaved Lath to all the Spectators; hereupon the dying Gentleman was released with much joy, the Wooden Sword was carried with much Solemnity, and hung up in the Cathedral Church, as a true link to the Chain of Popish Miracles. On the Pope's Infallibility. A Protestant and Roman Catholic were arguing at Paris about the Pope's Infallibility; the Priest said, that the Pope may Err as a Man, but not as a Pope; I would fain know (said the Gentleman) Why the Pope doth not Instruct or reform the Man, or wheresore the Man doth not require the Pope's Instruction. On a Whore accusing one for getting her with Child. A Common Strumpet got a Warrant for a Man, from whom she hoped to squeeze some money, and carried him before a Justice who demanded of the Man, whether he was guilty of what was alleged against him, the Man protesting Innocency, saving, further Mr. Justice, this Woman hath the repute of a common Whore; if so, suppose I had to do with her, how can she say that I am the proper Father of the Bastard since she deals with so many continually; thou sayest well (said the Justice, and speaking to the woman said, thou mayst as well going through a Thorn Hedge, tell certainly which Thorn pricked thee, and so gave the man his discharge. On a Cowardly Captain. THE Governor of Maestricht had a great love for a young Captain of his which had never been tried during the late Siege by English and French: on a time he was Commanded with a party to make a Mock Sally, but as soon as ever he came within sight of the Enemy he squatted behind the Walls of some old Ruins; coming in to the Garrison, he was not only publicly laughed at, but was accused for a Coward to the Governor, who being more willing to bring this Captain off with credit than he brought off himself, told them thus; If this Captain went upon a Mock Sally, than the worst you can say, he is but a Mock Coward; and if he had not so played the fool in jest, I would have punished him in earnest. An excellent saying of a Popish Bishop. ALphonso Cartillo was informed by his Steward of the greatness of his Expense, and that it was inconsistent with his Estate, but particularly, the number of his Servants was too great; whereupon the Bishop made him draw up a note of such as were necessary, and such as were not, that being done, he summoned all his Servants together, and reading the note separated them; then said, These I have need of, and therefore they must continue; These have need of me and therefore they must remain also. A subtle Evasion of a Thief in Languedock. A Thief being Arraigned at Bar, before a Lieutenant Criminel for stealing a Horse, in his Pleading urged many things in his own behalf, but particularly, he insisted on this, That the Horse stole him, and not he the Horse: How can that be said the Judge? Thus, said the Malefactor, Passing along the Country about my Lawful occasions, I was pursued close by a fierce Mastive, and had no other means to escape his fury but by leaping over a Hedge, which I easily effected by my agility of Body, it happened, that a Horse stood on the other side of the Hedge, and it so chanced, that I leapt astride his back, who being startled hereat ran clear away with me, and could not stop him by any means until he came to the next Town▪ in which the right Owner of the Horse lived, and there I was taken, and here Arraigned. On the French Massacre on St. Bartholomews' day. AFter that horrid Massacre in France on St. Bartholomew's day, the Deputies of the Reformed Religion Treated with the King for a Peace; both sides were agreed upon the Articles, the question was upon the Security of the performance after some particulars propounded and rejected, the Queen Mother said, Why is not the Word of a King sufficient security? One of the Deputies answered, no, by St. Bartholomew. A pleasant saying of a late Dutch Commander. A Dutch Captain was commanded by his Colonel to go on in an Exploit against the French with Forces that were unlikely to Achieve the Enterprise, whereupon the Captain advised his Colonel to send but half so many men: why so said the Colonel to send but half so many men? because replied the Captain they were enough to be knocked on the head, and it is better that few die then many. On a devout Papist. A Poor Country-fellow praying devoutly superstitious before an old Image of St. Loy, the Image being rotten suddenly fell down upon the poor man, and so grieviously bruised him that he could not stir out in a Month after; in the mean time the cheating Priests had set up a new Image in the room thereof, the Countryman recovering came to the same Church and kneeled again to the Image but at a great distance, saying after this manner: Although thou smilest and lookest fair upon me, yet thy Father played me such a knavish prank lately, that I will beware that I come not as near thee as I did him, lest thou shouldst have any of thy Father's unhappy qualities. On a Blind Man. A Nobleman in Paris hearing of a Blind man that could play most incomparably on the flagelet sent for him, and he played unto him till night, having done, the Nobleman commanded his Servant to light the flagelet player down the stairs, hereupon the Servant replied, My Lord, the man is blind: thou ignorant Coxcomb quoth▪ my Lord, he hath the more need of Light. On a Doctor of Physic. AN Italian Doctor asked a Waterman, whether he might safely go by water over the River Po? the Fellow told him yes; but the Doctor coming to the Waterside, and finding it rough was very Ongry, and said, You Watermen are the veriest Knaves in the World, for to gain six pence, you care not to cast a man away: To whom the waterman replied, It appears Sir, we are men of a cheaper Function, and better Conscience than you, for you sometimes will not cast a man away under Forty, fifty or an hundred Crowns. On Confession. A Gentlewoman of Paris (who was a grain or two too light, went to her Confessor, and amongst other Sins Confessed chief, that the was too much addicted to the society of Men: Ah, said the Friar Whoredom is a Sin very displeasing to God, I am sorfor that (quoth she) since it was so pleasing to me. On an Italian Captain. AN Italian Captain having been a long time besieged in a place, where for four Months he did eat nothing but Horseflesh, at length being relieved, he returned to his former Mistress thinking to have the same dalliances as formerly; she understanding how he had fared since his departure, hold, said she, though I have a mind to be gotten with Child, yet I am resolved never to be gotten with Colt. On a pair of Ruffians. A Gentleman in Naples being affronted by an English man, was resolved to be revenged; and therefore commanded his Man to procure him a couple of Villains fit for his purpose; in a little time he brought his Master two whose Faces were slashed and cut; the Gentleman seeing them, said, I will have none of you, but bring me them who gave you those Wounds, and I will reward you. On the Physicians at Rome. ONE told Pope Alexander the Sixth, that it was necessary to Banish all the Physicians out of Rome, for they were unnecessary and dangerous; no said the Pope they are very useful; for without them the World would increase so fast, that one could not live by another. On Augustus Caesar. A Young man in Rome was very like Augustus Caesar, Caesar sent for him, and asked him whether ever his Mother had been at Rome? No says he but my Father was. A Noble saying. Antigonus' invading Parthia was told, that the Enemies had such volleys of Arrows to encounter him that they would darken the Sun; that's well says he, for than we shall fight in the shade this hot weather. On a Jesuit. UPon the departure of a Gentleman of good Note at Lions in France, a Jesuit stood by prompting the Gentleman to give to that Convent he belonged to such a piece of Ground, and such a Manor, which the Gentleman consented to; the Son standing by, and fearing all would be given from him; said to the Jesuit I hope you will not have the Conscience to keep all this from me; yes, yes said the Jesuit, the will of the dead must be obeyed; say you so, Then Father shall I break the neckof this Jesuit down stairs? Do if thou wilt Son: Nay then says the Son the will of the dead must be obeyed the Jesuit hearing this, and seeing him in good earnest made but one step from the top of the Stairs to the bottom, to avoid the danger ensuing. A wise Reply of Socrates. Socrates' was asked, why he suffered so much brawling by his Wife? says he, Why do you suffer so much Kackling of your Hens? because they lay me Eggs, says he; And I my Wife, replied Socrates, because she bears me Children. On a parcel of Friars and Wenches. SOme profane Fellows and Wenches were resolved to abuse some Friars; for, laying an Hog (which they had made dead Drunk before with the Lees of Wine) under the Table covered with a black cloth, they sent for the Friars, telling them that the Woman's Husband of the House was dead, and that they must sing a Dirge for his Soul; during the Service the Woman kept such a tittering and laughing that they were forced to avoid the Room, the young men seeing that stole out after them that they might have the greater liberty to laugh also; one of the Friars taking notice hereof, lifted up the Cloth and seeing it was a Hog took him, and to be revenged of the abuse carried him away; the Woman of the House seeing them march off, called after them to return; no, no, said they, We find he is a Brother of ours and must be buried in our Convent. On one Summer a great Drinker. ONE seeing him walking in the beginning of the Spring, said, one Swallow makes not a Summer: but I know quoth he one Summer makes a great many Swallows: Witty Council A Gentleman of the Temple was informed, that his Father was dead in the Country which made him sad and much troubled, as not knowing how he had left his Estate: his friends seeing him in this condition, bid him cheer up, for (said he) if your Father hath left you a good Estate, you have small cause to grieve; and if he hath given you nothing, who would grieve for such a Father? On a Scolding Woman. ONE who had got a damnable Shrew to his Wife being continually plagued with the perpetual Clack of her Tongue, wished one day, that she was in Heaven, she knowing by that saying, he had a mind to be rid of her: in a great rage told him she had rather see him hanged first. On the firing of the City. A Little after the Rebuilding of London, a Country man came up to see a friend who made a grievous complaint of his own particular loss, as well as the loss of so brave a City: As to your own loss said he, I am sorry for it, but as to the loss of your City I know not what to say; for who would be grieved to have a brave new Suit instead of an old one. Another. TWO discoursing immediately after the Fire, about the enlarging of the Streets at the Rebuilding of the City, he that had a great deal of ground said, That it was not requisite that the Streets should be enlarged, fearing he should be a loser thereby; Pish said the other, to what purpose was the City burnt, but that the streets might be made larger. Another. ONE speaking of the Fire said, Cannon-street roared, Milk-street was burnt-too, Wood-street was burnt to Ashes, Breadstreet was burnt to a Coal, Pie-corner was over-baked, and Snow-hill was melted down. On one whose name was Herring, Mr. Herring, walking by the side of a Rock, slipped and fell into the Sea; whereupon he called to his Friend to lend him ahand, O no Sir, said he, that is the way to do you the greatest injury imaginable, by taking you out of the Sea which is a Herrings proper Element. On a Constable and a Wench with Child. A Constable carrying a big-bellyed Wench before a Justice told him, an't please your Worship I have brought you a maid with Child; the Wench hereupon called him Fool and Knave, being reproved by the Justice, she answered thus; Sir, This Constable must be one of them; for if I am a Maid, he is a Fool to think I can be with Child; and if I am not with Child, he is a Knave for saying so. On a Buxom young Woman. A Young woman in the heat of Blood, about the latter end of July desired her Husband to tumble with her on the Bed, he knowing her meaning and unprepared for such pastime excused himself saying, That the Dog-days were very unwholesome for such recreations; at Night being in Bed with her Husband she desired him to lie closer, for though (said she) there be Dog-days yet I never heard of any Dog-nights. On Absolution. ONE came to Paris to be Confessed, who told his Confessor he had stolen a Halter; to steal a Halter said he is no great matter; I but said the Fellow, there was a Horse tied at the end on't; O said the Confessor, there is something in that: there is great difference between a Horse and a Halter, you must therefore first restore the Owner his Horse, and having so done, come to me and I'll Absolve you of the Halter. On a Soldier. A Fellow hearing the Drums beat up for Volunteers for France in the late Expedition against the Dutch imagined himself valiant enough and thereupon Listed himself: returning again, he was asked by his friends, what exploits he had done there; He said, that he had cut off one of the Enemy's Legs, and being told, that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his Head: O said he, you must know his Head was cut off before. On a Priest. A Priest in an Abbey at Florence being a Fisherman's Son, ordered a Net to be spread on the Table instead of a Table cloth in token of Humility, and in remembrance from whence he came; the Abbot dying, for his pretended Humility sake he was elected Abbot, after which he caused the Net to be used no more: and being asked the reason, he told them, I need not the Net now, having caught what I fished for. On a Miser at Bordeaux. AN old covetous Miser at Bordeaux, grudged his Servants their Victuals, and allowed them but a fifth part of Wine to four parts of Water; one time seeing one of his servants feed very hearty, what said he, will your Grinders never be at rest? How can they said the Servant, as long as they have so much Wine and Water. On a Popish fight Bishop. A Popish Bishop rising up in Arms against his Prince, was defeated and taken as he was clad in Armour, and by the King's command secured. The Pope hearing of it, complained of the King's breach of Church Privileges, imprisoning one of the Sons of the Church; hereupon the King sent back the Messenger with the Armour of the Bishop, desiring the Pope to send him word, whether those were the Garments of any of his Sons. On an Upstart Cardinal. JVlius the Third, when he was made Pope, gave his Hat unto a young Favourite of his, to the general dissatisfaction of the Conclave: whereupon a Cardinal that used to be free with him, said, What did your Holiness see in that young man to make him a Cardinal? Julius replied, What did you see in me, to make me a Pope? On a Peasant and his Ass. A Countryman coming to Paris with his Ass loaded, the Beast stuck in a dirty place, and to make him rise from thence the Peasant belaboured him with a stick lustily, a Courtier passing by said, How now Villain, art thou not ashamed to abuse thy Beast so? if thou strikest him again, I will strike thee as much; hereupon the poor Fellow desisted till the Cavilleer was past, and then fell a beating his Beast worse than before, saying, How now goodman Ass, who would have thought that thou hadst Friends at Court? On a French Peasant. A French Peasant passing by a Ditch with his Cart full of Onions, the Cart overturned and the Onions fell into a Ditch full of water, at sight whereof the Peasant cried out, Mort bleau, here wants nothing but a little Salt to make le bon Pottage. On a Dutch Butterbox. A Dutchman in Amsterdam having heated himself with Wine grew angry, and swearing God's Sacrament, he would feign know, why the English called his Countrymen Butter-boxes, the reason is said a stranger by, because they find you are so apt to spread every where, and for your saveiness must be melted down. On a Vaelliant Sea-Captain. A Stout Commander having formerly in the King's Service lost his Leg, was notwithstanding for his great Prudence and Courage made a Captain of a Second Rate Ship, and being in the midst of an Engagement a Cannon bullet took off his Wooden Supporter, so that he was constrained to fall, the Seamen thinking he had lost his Legs, cried, down with him to the Chirurgeon, I want him not, I want him not (quoth he) but send me up the Carpenter. Another on the same Gentleman. BEing a Captain of Horse, he was dissuaded not to attaque the Enemy they being thrice the number; Are they so said he (not a jot dismayed) than I am very glad, for there are enough to killed, enough to be taken Prisoners, and enough to run away. On a very young man to be made free. A Smock-faced young man that was hardly twenty came to the Chamberlain to be made Free, who scrupled to do it to one so young, ask what Age he was? I am Sir said he four and twenty; that's strange, said the Chamberlain, I have seen a face of Eighteen look much older; 'tis like so Sir, (said the young man) He that could make him look so old, is able you see to make a me look so young. On a poor Scholar. A poor but witty Lad being admitted into a College, could not presently go to the price of a new pair of Shoes when the old ones are worn out ●● the toes, and therefore had them capt with Leather, hereupon his Companions jeered him for so doing; why said he, must they not be capt, are they not Fellows? A Surprise. A Monsieur meeting the King of Frances' 〈◊〉 asked what news? why Sir replied he, 〈◊〉 are Forty odd thousand men risen to day, I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 what end, said the other, and what do they intent? Why (said he) to go to bed again at night. On French Salads ONE hearing a French Gentleman brag what variety of excellent Salads there are in France, and how the People naturally delight therein, it cannot be denied (saith he) That as you have plenty of good Salads, so they are most of your food; Now we in England have dainty Beefs, Veal, Mutton, and as God made Beasts to live on Grass, so he made Man to live on Beasts. Cuckoldry by Consent. AN Englishman and his Wife Lodging at a Frenchman's House both so perfect Children of their own Countries, that neither understood each other, it so fell out, that the Englishman's Wife cried out in the Night; whereupon he ran upstairs to acquaint the Midwife, why lao above of his Wife's condition, that being done, he went down to inform his Landlord and Landlady thereof; standing by the Bedside shivering in his shirt, for it was in a cold Winter night, his Landlady pitying him and said to her Husband, Prithee my Dear, let the Englishman come into bed to us and lie till daylight since it is so cold, and that he cannot in civility return to his own Chamber, you need not fear any thing since you are in bed with me; her request was granted, and he lay down on the other side of the woman; The Frenchman having tired himself by Labour the day before, fell fast asleep; the Englishman's Snake presently grew warm and crawled up the Woman's belly; the motion of the Bed awaked her Husband, he called out Wife, what are you doing? what are you doing? Why what would you have me do (said she) if I should speak to him it would be to little purpose, for you know he understands not a word of your Language. On the Prince of Orange. AT the Battle of Newport the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him, and the Sea behind him, said to his Soldiers, Gentlemen, if you intent to live, thus must you do, either eat those Spaniards, or drink up this Sea. A tart reparty of Cicero. WHen Metellus Nepos asked in a jeering way, that famous Roman Orator, who was his Father? he replied, Thy Mother hath made that Question harder for thee to answer. Another of a Roman. MArcus Livius, who was Governor of Tarentam when Hannibal took it, being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus said one day openly in the Senate, that it was himself not Fabius Maximus that was the cause of the retaking of the City of Tarentam; Fabius smiling, said wittily indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst not thou lost it, I had never retaken it. On Pope Benedict. POpe Benedict when the Ambassador of the Council of Constance came to him laying his hand on his breast, said, Hic est Arca Noae, here is Noah's Ark: one hearing him say so, said softly to his friend, In Noah's Ark there were few men, but many Beasts. A witty Reply of a Priest. A Gentleman in Antwerp talking with a Priest concerning Religion, asked, why they kissed the Cross more than any other piece of Wood? and what was there more in that than any other Trees else, that they did not kiss them? Why (said the Priest) Is not your Wife made all of the same Flesh and Blood, and what is the Reason that you do not kiss her backside as well as her Mouth. On a Pope and his Nephews. POpe Alexander being accustomed highly to commend the Institution of the single life of Priests, and to blame their using of Concubines, was wont to say, God hath forbidden us to get Children, and the Devil hath given us Nephews. On a Spaniard and a Gascoign. A Spaniard and a Gascoign coming both to an Inn in France found nothing ready but a piece of Mutton, and a Partridge; one would have the Partridge, & the other would have it; and thereupon quarrelling the Hostess persuaded them to eat it together, no, that they would not; but at last consented it should be kept for breakfast, and he that Dreamt in the Night the best Dream should have it. Whilst the Spaniard broke his sleep by studying a good Dream, the Gascoign observing where the Partridge was put, got up, and did eat it: In the Morning betime they arose, and the Spaniard said he dreamt the best Dream in the World; for said he, me thought I saw the Heaven's open, and a ●uire of Angels with Music carried me to Heaven. Then said the Gascoign I Dreamt I saw you so carried to Heaven, and thinking you would never return, I arose in the Night and did eat the Partridge. On a Cordelier and a Jacobin. A Cordelier and a Jacobin having taken up one Inn together; the next morning the Jacobin paid his Reckoning, but the Cordelier supposing to have come off here, as elsewhere, for a God a mercy, or a Retribuet Deus, was forced by the Master of the House who was a Protestant to pay for what he had had, by pawning some Books he had, for the Jacobin refused to lend him a farthing. The next day travelling together, they came to a small River; whereupon the poor Cordelier put off his Sandals and holding up his Gown began to wade: the Jacobin being well apparelled, and loath to spoil his fine , called to the Cordelier to carry him over; what will you give me then quoth he? said the other, I will redeem your Books and pay your Charge at the next Inn; So the Cordelier took him up on his back, and when be was in the deepest place of the Water, the Cordelier asked the Jacobin if he had money enough to make good his promise? yes that I have said he, and thereupon chinked his money in his pocket: the Cordelier hearing this, and finding a fit opportunity to be revenged, let him drop in the Water, saying, Brother, you have done very ill to make me transgress my Orders, for you know I am bound never to carry any money about me. Ou a Peasant and his Confessor. A Peasant having been with his Confessor told him that he had eaten Eggs that Lent, and was reproved for it; forasmuch as Eggs made Chickens, Chickens Cocks, and Cocks Capons: a little while after this Confessor sent to him for some Eggs to set under a Hen, and he sent them all boiled very hard, The Curate being ignorant hereof, set them under his Hand, but finding in almost a Month's time no production, he broke one of them and found it hard, and so broke another, a third, a fourth, a fifth, till he had broken them all, and found them all at the first boiled. This so nettled the Curate, that he instantly went to the Peasant to know the reason of this abuse; the Peasant excused himself, saying, He knew not what he meant; Why you fool (quoth the Curate) did you ever think that Chickens could be hatched out of hard Eggs? Why, so you told my Father (said he) the last Lent; sor when I confessed to you that I had eaten Eggs, you chid me saying, Eggs made Chickens, Chickens Cocks▪ Cocks Capons: now if boiled Eggs which I did eat, woulde●er have been Chickens, Cocks, and Capons: How did I know but the boiled Eggs under your Hen, would come to be so too? On the Archbishop of Cologn. A Country fellow seeing the Archbishop of Cologn riding in the Fields with a great retinue completely Armed, laughed out aloud, being asked his reason for so doing, he answered, Because he wondered that St. Peter, Christ's Vicar on Earth, being exceeding poor, had left his Successor so wealthy; and that his Train should be more furnished with Swordmen than Gownsmen. The Archbishop hearing this, and being willing that the Fellow should have better knowledge of him in his place and dignity, told him, that he was not only an Archbishop, but a Duke also, and that as a Duke he road with such an Armed train of men, but when he was in the Church he was attended on as an Archbishop; Sir (said this poor Fellow) I pray tell me when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil, what will become of the Archbishop. A wise reparty of the Emperor Sigismond. THE Emperor Sigismond foarding a River, his Horse stood still in the midst and staled; whereupon a Page took the boldness to say, That the Horse was like the Emperor, who heard what was said, but said nothing for that time; a little 〈◊〉 after the Emperor reminding those words, asked the Page his reason for comparing him to a Horse? because Royal (Sr. (quoth the Page) the River had ●● need of Water, and yet your Horse must add to it by pissing in it, and so do you to those that have enough you give more; but to such as have nothing, you add not any thing; and although I have been with you a long time yet have I not tasted of your bounty: The next morning the Emperor took two Iron Chests, the bigger of the two he filled with Lead, and the other with Silver, and bid his Page take which he would of them in recompense of his Service; the Page took the biggest which the Emperor caused him to open, and there he found nothing but Lead, the other he opened himself, and showed him it was Silver. Now (said the Emperor) thou knowest thy Fortune, the fault was none of mine that thy choice was no better and that thou wert not made rich, for thou hast refused thy good fortune when it was offered thee. On the Duke of Milan. THE Duke of Milan being besieged in a Castle by the Florentines, one day at dinner, he quarrelled with his Victuals and child his Cook severely for the ill ordering of his meat and sauce: whereupon the witty Cook replied, My Lord, your meat is well enough dressed, but the florentines have put your mouth out of taste. On the Marquis of Guast▪ BEfore the Battle Fought at Serrizales the Marquis of Guast assuring himself of the Victory, gave his Jester a Suit of Armour fairly guilt, and a Spanish Jennet, with a promise of five hundred Ducats, if he would be the first should carry news to his Wife of his Victory; but it so happened, that the French did beat the Emperor's Army, and the Jester was taken and brought before the Lord Anguien who perceived who he was, asked who had furnished him in that splendid manner? My Lord (replied he) The Marquis who gave me my Horse and Arms; and should have given me Five hundred Ducats to go and tell my Lady his Wife the first tidings of his Victory, but to save the money, I believe he is posted thither in person. Upon two Scholars and an Ass. TWO young Scholars Travelling from Rouen to Paris there to study, met by the way with a Country-fellow riding on an Ass, which brayed in such manner as if he had been overjoyed to be in such Learned Society: these Students thinking to put a trick on the Peasant, said Friend, why do you let your Brother cry in that manner, cannot you find out any way to still and quiet him? The Peasant who was none of the most ignorant of the Parish wherein he dwelled; answered, My Ass Sirs is so extremely pleased to meet with his Relations and old Acquaintance, he could do no less than sing a Song of Mirth and merry glee, in testimony of your hearty welcome to him. On a Painter drawing a Maid at Paris. A Gentlewoman of singular beauty, but highly conceited thereof, went to an Eminent Painter at Paris ordering him to draw her Picture like a Maid to the Life in little, and yet represent her in full proportion. The Painter did as much as in him lay, and carried home the Picture to the Gentlewoman who misliked nothing therein, but that he had drawn her too little. The Painter excusing himself; said, Madam I believe considering your Age, it is very hard to find a Maid so big as you. On a Rheumatic Gentleman Courting a Lady. A Gentleman of Paris that was much troubled with Rheum was Complementing a Lady in the Louvre, who by reason of that distemper was forced to spit at every Sentence; the Lady perceiving it (who was furnished with whatever Art or Nature could bestow upon her) said in reality, Sir, your mouth overflows, you would do well to take some course to drain that Fenny Body of yours, lest in time it lie totally drown▪ d in that Phlegmatic humour. Pardon me Madam (wittily Repartied this Gentleman) If I say you are the cause of this distemper, if it be any; for how is it possible for a man to look on such a dainty curious piece of Flesh as yours is, and his mouth not water. On Charles the Fifth. Charles' the Fifth going privately to visit the Convent of the Jacobins in Vienna, met by the way with a Fellow who got his living by Hogs; and then had a sucking Pig in his Arms going to market, which in the way grunted so much that the Emperor could not endure it, wherefore said▪ do you hear friend, have you not got the art of stilling a Pig when he Cries; the Fellow (not knowing him to be the Emperor seeing him not only meanly clad, but slenderly attended) said, Sir it is a secret I understand not, however I shall be much obliged if you will inform me how to do it: Why then said the Emperor, if you will have your Pig leave off grunting, take and hold him by the tail; which the Fellow trying, found effectual: hereupon he said, In troth Sir, be whom you will, I see you have not your trade to learn now: for though I have been a Pig-merchant this thirty years you're more knowing in it then I. The Soldiers witty reparty. LEwis the Twelfth King of France taking a view one day of his Army in the Plain of Chartrese saw three Soldiers together terribly slashed over the Face, and carrying their Arms in a Scarf, whereupon he said, Gentlemen how came you thus to be so roughly handled? by our Enemies (said one of the three) it seems then (said the King) they were too hard for you, and so consequently, the better men; your pardon ●r. (said one) we judge it no such matter, for as they hurt ●● so we kil●'d them. On a proud Parisian Courtesan. A Cyprian Dame who had spent a considerable time in the Service of Venus, growing old, bethought herself how she should spend the residue of her days: and resolved upon the ancient and Venerable Profession for a Bawd, and that she might not be altogether destitute of these pleasures, she procured others: she painted egregiously. A Gentleman one time coming to her house, and taking notice how ill she had laid on the Fucus or paint, Drollingly said, Most incomparable Madam, I cannot look in your face, but the lustre thereof makes my Eyes dazzle, do they so (said she) I am sorry your Eyes are so weak, the Bastard Eagle cannot look against the Sun, I wish your Eyes better, that they may be able to Contemplate my greater splendour. Cuckoldry wittily returned A Young married Gentlewoman of the Town of Alerson in Normandy, had a Parrot whom amongst other things, used to say walk Cuckold, walk; One day a Doctor of Physic of her acquaintance coming that way, she perceiving him by often repeating those words, the Parrot spoke nothing else as he passed along; the Doctor seeing the Gentlewoman by the Cage made a stop, and said, Madam you have done very well to teach your Parrot to call men by their proper names, as Walk Cuckold, walk, but you would have done much better if you had taught him, how to distinguish persons, which I perceive he is ignorant of, for he takes me to be your Husband. On a blind man and a Royal Bastard. THE Count D' Avergne going with a Natural Son to the King of France to the Church in Paris called Quinze Vingts, a place designed for the relief of the poor blind: in the Churchyard there stood begging an old Man, who had totally lost his sight; yet was given too much to Curse and Swear the Count advised this Natural Son to extend his Charity to this poor Fellow, which he denied, saying, I hate to give to Counterfeits; nay, said the Count, this man sure is not one: I but said the other he is one, and can see as well as I do, and to prove what I say, I will go to him, and without saying a word, you shall see he knows me; with that stepping towards him, he came so near him that he chanced to tread upon his Toe; the blind man hereupon cried out, A Pox on you for a stinking Son of a Whore, go and be damned. Look you there (said this Natural Son to the Count) you may perceive by what he says, he knows me as well as you do. The Duke of Savoy's witty reparty to Henry the Fourth. EManuel Duke of Savoy; an ingenious and generous Prince, having been deprived of all his Estate by Henry the Fourth, was necessitated to go to ●yons, where the King then was, to make his Address to his Majesty; on sight whereof he fell on his knees, humbly beseeching his Mjestie to restore him to his former condition; the King seeing him in that posture, said Brother I am troubled to see you in this posture, and much more for your misfortune, but you must attribute this to your own fault, and the force of Arms, however rise and assure yourself I will do to the utmost of my power what shall conduce to your future satisfaction and content. The Duke of Savoy seeing his Majesty in such good humour, continued still on his knees, which caused his Majesty once more to say, rise; whereupon the Duke replied, I am reduced to so low and weak a condition, that I cannot rise of myself, and nothing can raise me but you, Royal Sir. Whereupon the King raised him at once both on his Legs and to his former Estate. On a young married Couple. A young man Married a pretty buxom young Woman in Charenton near Paris, and being in Bed the first Night he let a rousing fart: his new Bedded Consort very much displeased thereat, asked him why he would offer so soon to play the Beast? Alas sweet heart (said he) done't you know when a Fortress, is Besieged, in making a breach the Canons will roar; in troth Husband (said she) you need not have put yourself to that trouble, for the breach was made long since wide enough for a whole Army to enter two a breast. A young Woman's pleasant reparty to a Gentleman Travelling from Paris to Orleans. A young Cavileer riding from Paris to Orleans overtook by the way a sprightly young Lass travelling on foot, taking pity of her, told her, that if she pleased he would take her up behind him; she consented, but the Horse would not agree to the Bargain but kicked and flounted strangely: Well Sir (said she) I see you are more civil than your Beast, who need not have taken it in such dudgeon to carry me, if he knew how Light I am: Excuse him sweet heart (said he) for I believe he thinks you fit to carry behind than he: If so (said she) he deserves not the name of a Horse but an Ass, for any one that knows any thing may easily see I am fit to carry before than behind. A pleasant Couple well matched. A Jolly Fellow at Orleans, living at Marseilles, being in Bed let a great Fart, and repeated it twice or thrice; hearing his Wife nothing but laugh, said to her in troth you need not be so merry, for if this Wind continue, you are like to have foul filthy weather; falling a sleep, she raised her Bum and so bepissed him, that it ran from the nape of the Neck down his Back to his Heels: he awakeing, asked her what the Devil she meant by that? Nothing indeed Husband (said she) what I did was only to prevent that loathsome Storm you threatened me with, for I have heard a little Rain will allay a great Wind. On a Tailor and a Jacobin his Confessor. A Tailor going to Confession was asked by his Father Confessor whether he had any thing in his hands which he had wronged another of? No indeed said the Tailor (knowing he should be enjoined to make restitution) I have nothing now, for I have disposed of my several Thefts yesterday to a Broker, willing to discharge my Shop, as well as my Conscience: his Confessor hearing that, said and indeed I have taken Physic to day which hath discharged me of all my Pardons, so that I have not one left for such dissembling penitents. A witty saying of a Fool. Signior de Morrilliers going to a Town called Swasie, met by the way a Fool about twenty year old, to whom he said, Come hither friend, go along with me, and thou shalt be my Fool, doing nothing but Eat and Drink and spend the time as thou wilt thyself. Ah said the Fool I cannot do that, I am my Father's Fool, for he made me, if you will have a Fool make one yourself. But said the Lord I am more wise than to make a Fool; well than said the Fool, I'll go and make one for you; then said my Lord according to what you said before, he will not be my Fool but thine; not so neither (said the Fool) for he shall be all yours, for the one half which your Wife helped to make shall be yours, and the other half which belongs to me will I make a present of to you. On a Gentleman casually miscalling himself. ONE day a Gentleman seeing Hogs in his Vineyard, called to his Servant and bid him go and see whose they were: being in a great Passion, he swore whose soever they were, he was certain they belonged to a Cuckold, and a Cuckold maker, a Rogue, a Rascal, and a Son of a Whore: This man returning and hearing his Master say so, cried, Hold Sir, hold, the Hogs are your own; the Devil they are said he, well if they be, what I have said, I cannot unsay. Like to like. A Simple young man in Gascoign had a very great love to a young Maid as he thought, and that he might live with her quietly without wrangling, hereafter he thought of this Expedient; one day he told her, that it was his full intent to marry her, and to prevent future quarrels, he said he would tell her all the secrets of his heart that their Alliance may be stronger; amongst many other things he told her, that in the heat of Blood he had got a Son, on a friend of his, which Son was yet living, and desired her not to take it amiss: No no (said she) I am very well pleased, and now Sir let me tell you, that a friend of mine got me with Child, and if you intent to fortify our Alliance it may be done with anothre Marriage, that is between your Son and my Daughter. Take the Will for the Deed. A Butcher's Wife in Paris having been suspected by her Husband to have Cuckold him; to free him in part of that jealousy, seemed very devout, and frequently went to Confession. One day she went to her Confessor, who amongst many questions, asked her, Whether sometimes she had not a mind to the Flesh? Indeed (said she) I love Flesh so well, that my mouth waters when ever I see a good bit though it be in Lent; but I hope you eat it not (said he,) not for a world (said she): I but (said he) This is not the Flesh I mean; answer me, whether you ever had Copulation with any besides your Husband? no indeed Father (said she) I never had a Collation with any but my Husband. Then (said he) in plainer terms, had you never a desire to lie with another man? I must confess (said she) I had a great mind to an Apothecary's Man our next Neighbour, but never did any thing; for indeed the Fool neither would not, nor would not understand my meaning, though it was as plain as a Pike staff. Ah Sister (said the Confessor) you know the good Will is as good as the Deed, however for this time I will Absolve you; that being done, she dropped him a low Curtsy, and said, Father I am willing to send you a quarter of Mutton ready roasted for Supper, if you will take it in good part. He thanked her, and said he would. The Service of the great Mass being finished he met with a couple of his Friends whom he invited to Supper; who came accordingly, but the Mutton came not, wherefore a Messenger was sent to the Burchers Wife, who told him, she had sent it already, he delivering this Message was sent back to assure her there was ●o such matter: The Woman remembering the Words of the Confessor said, Friend, go tell you your ●aster I had a good will to send it, but my Husband would not let me, now your Master told me, he must take the Will for the Deed, and so he is like, and be as well content without the quarter of Mutton as if he had received it. On a cunning Gascoign. A Gascoign newly coming to Paris, as he walked the Streets he saw the King's Favourite richly Attired, and Magnificently Attended, which made him inquire of one standing by; who that should be? he is one (replied the other) of great esteem at Court, and hath his Majesty's Ear, how (said the Gascoign) nay then it is no wonder that his Majesty is deaf to so many just complaints of late if his Ear be in another's Possession. The silent Lover. IT is said, that Women are a Paradise for men's Bodies, a Hell for their Souls, and a Purgatory for their Purses. It happened that a young Gentleman of Rouen was very much in love with a fair and facetious Gentlewoman of the same place; but had not the confidence to acquaint her with his desires, at length finding an opportunity, better than he could wish, he presumed at length to tell her how passionately he had Loved her for a long time, but had not the boldness to say so much before, thinking to have employed a friend in that affair. Sir (said she) I must pity your ignorance in that you do not know, that every man's self is the best Messenger in Amorous Affairs; according to the Italian Proverb, Iministri non operano mai bene comea cui tocca: and knowing you to be a Traveller you might have acquainted yourself with that true Spanish Adage: Dileauna Muger una vez quiela quieres, el Diabolo selo dira ciento; that is, Tell a Woman but once that you love her, and the Devil tell it her an hundred times after. A Wantoness witty Reply. AT Calais there lived a young Woman as famous for her Wit and Beauty, as infamous for her debauchery: her Husband was a very silly fellow, and though he knew of the dishonesty of his Wife with several persons, yet he but mildly reproved her, fearing to do otherwise; but still advised her for the future to lock the door against such Cuckold-makeing Rascals; Alas sweet heart (said she) what will that signify, since you know my Lock is such, that every Key will fit it. On the Duke of Rovens Jester. A Gentleman meeting one day with a Jester that belonged to the Duke of Roven, asked him, what was his name: my name said he is like my Fathers. And what is his Name? Why his (quoth he) is like mine. Then what is both your names then (said the Gentleman) to which the Jester replied, One like another. How to kill a bad Wife without being punished for it. A Gentleman of Provence had a Wife so plentifully stored with the worst of ill qualities, that he grew weary of his Life, not knowing what to do or how to be rid of her safely, at length this project came into his head: he had a Mule which he fed four days with dry meat without one drop of Water, all that while, the fifth day he persuaded his Wife to ride abroad with him to take the Air, and mounted her on that very Mule, which he knew she delighted in, and he himself backed another: riding along they came at last near a deep River, at sight whereof, the Mule being parched with thirst, and over greedy to quench it ran violently into the midst thereof which was out of his depth, and so lost his own with the life of his Mistress. A saying of Pope Urban the Fifth. BErtrand de Guelclin General to Charles the Fifth, who had no farther occasion to make use of him at home, desired his Majesty to give him leave to march into Granada to fight against the Saracens. Now for the Thieveries and violences this Bertrand had committed, both he and his whole Army were Excommunicated by Pope Vrban the Fifth. Bertrand takes his way into Spain by Avignon where the said Pope had then his Residence, who hearing of a great Army marching towards him, sent a Cardinal to know what they intended▪ or demanded: Bertrand made Answer, Tell our Holy Father, that we are come to receive Pardon and Absolution for the sins we have Committed, and the punishments we have deserved, and to be freed from the Excommunication: Likewise we demand two thousand Florins in Gold for our present subsistence, and to carry us on in the Work of propagating the Christian Faith. The Cardinal returning this Answer, said the Pope It is strange and wonderful to me that these men should demand Absolution and Money too since we are accustomed to receive Money before we give Absolution. Witty say of a French Jester. THat a Physician was naturally brother to the Worms, because he was engendered out of Man's Corruptions. He adviseth all men to be kind and courteous to Hemp: being asked the reason, quoth he, it is the most revengeful thing in the World: for if a man bear it, especially in Bridewell, it is a hundred to one but it will be the death of him shortly after. Standing by some Swearing at Play, he said, He that swears when he looseth his Money by Gaming may challenge Hell by way of Purchase, He said a Prodigal was like a Brush, which spent itself to make others go handsome in their Apparel. Seeing a man in the Pillory, he said, That certainly there must be a great deal of pleasant Oratory in it, or else men would not have their Ears nailed to it. He said, That Antiquaries love every thing as Dutchmen do Cheese, for being mouldy and Wormeaten. He contradicted one for saying, That the Players in Paris had but an idle employment, sure Sir said he you are mistaken, for their whole lives are nothing but Action. Being asked by one, how he should use Tobacco that it might do him good, he answered, You must keep a Tobacco-shop and sell it, for certainly there are none else find good in it. He said, That Poetry and Plain dealing were a couple of handsome Wenches, and he that weds himself to either, shall die a Beggar. He compared Women to Quick sands which seemed firm, but if a Man came upon them he fell in over Head and Shoulders. Of all Trades he said, A Tooth-drawer was the most unconscionable, because his Trade was to take away that, whereby every man gets his living. And that a Hangman's Profession was the most contemplative of all others, because he never was at work, but he was put in mind of his own end. Seeing some Reapers in Harvest time, he told them, That Corn was a quarrelsome Creature, because it risen by the Blade, and fell by the Ears with those that cut them. That Colliers and Mine-workers should be well acquainted with all the Philosophical Secrets of the Earth because they have deeper knowledge in it then any others. That Drawers and Tapsters should be men of great esteem, Because they are men not only of an high Calling, but also of a great reckoning. Of all Knaves (he said) there was the greatest hope of a Cobbler, For though he be ever so idle a Fellow yet he is always mending. One time seeing a tall Man, he said, That for certain he must needs be a great Politician, because he had an extraordinary reach. He said, a squint eyed Man could not but be very Circumspect, Since he looked so many ways at once. That Glasiers might be chosen, and concluded good deciders of Controversy or Arbitrators, For they spend most of their time in composing of quarrels. That Carpenters were the Civilest and honestest of all men, For they never do their business without a Rule. That Physicians of all men had the best on't, For if they did well the World did proclaim it, if ill, the Earth did cover it. That Vintners are very rash fellows because they draw upon all occasions: and so expert at their Weapons that they let very few go away . That Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their occupation, For they never do any thing but it is against the hair. That Trumpeters are ever subject to Distempers, For commonly when they are most in health, they will fall a sounding. That Ostlers and Horse-coursers are happy men, For let the World go how it will, and let there be never so much alteration in times and persons, yet they are still to be accounted Stable-men. A person Drunk one day railing at him, he told the Company He mattered not any thing what he said in his Cups, For he spoke nothing that he could stand to. He said, some Tailors were like Woodcocks, because they lived by their long Bills. That a Prison is a good Instrument of Reformation, for it makes many Rogues and Lewd Fellows, Stayed men. Discoursing of a Commonwealth he said, That in that of Fishes there are many Officers, Herring is the King, The Swordfish his Guard, Lobsters Aldermen, Crabs Constables, Dogfish Sergeants; and their Yeomen, and Poor John, or Stockfish the common sort of people. That Cobblers might be said to be good men because they set men upright, and are ever employed in mending Souls. He said, that a Tavern and Houses of Entertainment were the only places for men to thrive in, For he said, He had seen many a score made there. That Carriers are wise men, for they will not meddle with any thing, but they will know of what moment and weight it is. That Painters were cunning Fellows, For they had a Colour for what ever they did. He said, that Court-gallants had reason to be good Scholars, By reason they were deep in many Books: One was saying to him, that some Letters in the Hebrew Alphabet were longer than any other what ever: That▪ s not so said he, for in ours we have one, an L long. That Glover's get a great part of their living, by cutting Purses, and are never punished for it. Seeing on a time a man with a great Nose and thin Beard, he said that the shadow of that man's long Nose hindered the growth of his Beard. Hearing of a Wench (that was bred on the Alms of the Parish) who had left one of her Bastards to be kept by them also, I commended her, said he, for her gratitude; having done like the grateful Stork in Holland, For it is reported of them, that they never departed but leave one of their young behind them, in recompense of the kindness they received from their Landlord. He was wont to say, That the Portuguise seems a Fool and is so, the Spaniard seems wise and is a Fool, the French seems a fool and is wise; the Englishman is wise but cannot show it, and the Dutchman would be wiser, were it not for his Liquor. Well said he, may sick persons be called Patients, since they suffer so much by their Physicians. He said, that Soldiers in Peace, were like▪ Chimneys in Summer. Bulls. ONE said, That he could never have his health in Cambridge, and that if he had lived there till this time, he thought in his Conscience, that he had died seven years ago. I would not say, the man that spoke so lied; Seven years ago no doubt, he might have died: He by his Trade perhaps might be a Dyer: And daily die to live, and been no Lyar. 2. A Gentleman and his Man walking in the Fields, the Man observed a Fellow riding on a Cow: look Master says he, yonder's a fellow rides on Horseback on a Cow: That▪ s a Bull says the Master; No Sir says the Man I know it is a Cow by his Teats. 3. One walking with his Friend, and both very poor▪ met with an old acquaintance grown rich, Look said one, do▪ nt you see who goes yonder, that wont see us now; yes said the other, He sees us well enough, though hue ill not look upon us. 4. A Gentleman going by Water with his Friend fell into some Discourse, which the busy Waterman understanding, put in for a share in their discourse: one of the Gentlemen being angry hereat, told him, he was a saucy, busy fellow, in that he must have an Oar in every ●ans Boat, and bade him hold his Tongue; but he continuing his babbling, I protest said the Gentleman, as they were in the middle of the Thames▪ If thou dost not hold thy Tongue the sooner, I will knock thy head and the Wall together. 5. A grave Citizen of London though not so wise as he should be, talking with some of his Neighbours concerning his Shop, he had then newly Rebuilt after the Fire; Truly (said he) I think I have contrived it to the best advantage, for it hath the Morning Sun all day long in it. 6. 'Twas at first when the fashion of grey Frieze came up amongst the Gentry, especially for Riding Suits, that a Wise-acre considering that it was then A-la-mode, asked if there were no black of that colour, for he had a mind to have a Coat of it. 7. One exclaiming against another who ran away in his Debt, A Pox light on him (said he) I am sure I lent him six and forty good Shillings all in half Crowns. 8. When Guinneys were first coined they were a great rarity in the Country; one coming from London more gallant than wise, seeing the people so eager to see them, alas (said he) throwing down two or three of them, these are so common in London that you cannot receive forty Shillings but you must take seven or eight of them whether you will or no. 9 One being chid by his friends for wearing his Nails so long; I can assure you said he, I pair them every foot. 10. After the sad and dismal Fire in London when nothing was left standing, but Ruins, one passing by as they were pulling down a Wall, have a care, have a care (cries he to the Labourers) for I see the Foundation just tumbling on your heads. 11. One fitting at Supper his Cat passed to and fro through his Arms, brushing her Tail against his mouth, this so offended him, that in a rage he cuts off the tip of her Tail, saying, I think now Mrs. P●ss I have given you an Ear-mark: For the present the Cat absented herself, but the next day came again according to her wont manner; whereupon in a fury, says he, Why how now you trouble some Bitch are you come again, I thought I had given you your Breakfast last Night. 2. A Carpenter being at work in a Bowling-green, was asked, what he was doing? I am making a Bench for the standers by to sit upon. 13. A Scholar meeting a poor ignorant Fellow on the Road, How far Friend (says he) to Cambridge? Faith Sir I know not (says he) but from Cambridge to this Town is counted seven miles. 14. A Physician visiting a sick Woman, and finding her lie on her back advised her to lie on her side, 'Tis very right Mr. Doctor (said her Husband) I always told her, her back was the worst side for her to lie upon, and she would never believe me. 15. Prithee said one, why dost thou wear one of thy Stockens the wrong side outwards? O (said he) It hath a hole on the other side. 16. A company of Fellows in the height of their mirth threw Tobacco Pipes one at another, Tom with a piece of pipe hit John in the Face, but Tom denied that he did, well it was ill done, of you Tom, though said John, who ever did it. 17. Two quarrelling in a Tavern were prevented from fight by the Company, Well (said the one) though I am hinared from having my Revenge now, know that I will kick thee down stairs where ever I meet thee. 18. One in February drinking March Bear which was very mellow, complained of the newneiss of it, saying, Sure this March-Beer cannot be above six weeks old. 19 A Tobacconist who had fumed away that little understanding he had, hearing some praise and other dispraise his Tobacco said, Well Gentlemen you may say what you please; but a sweeter and cleaner Tobacco you never saw, for I am sure there is neither leaves nor stalks therein. 20. A precise Presbyterian, hearing much Swearing in a Bowling-green said Fie Gentlemen, forbear, it is God's great Mercy the Bowling-green doth not fall on your heads. 21. A Customer ask a Barber where he might have some water to wash his hands, yonder (said he) the●e is some in that empty Tub. 22. One said, that the Wind changed very often that day For (said he) I went up Cornhill in the morning and it was in my back, and in less than half an hour returning I found it in my Face, going up thither again in the Afternoon, I found it in my back again. 23. One seeing his Son play Roguish tricks, Why Sirrah (said he) did you ever see me do so when I was a Boy as you are? 24. A very noted Bull-maker lying on his Deathbed desired of his Friends when buried, that they would for an Epitaph only write these words on his Tombstone, Here lies honest Ralph, as dead as any man living. 25. There was an arch Rogue who lately served in the quality of a Footman; a foolish Gentleman (whom I shall forbear to name) who riding abroad one day caused his Man to follow on foot; which Skip at that time took in great dudgeon; and therefore laged behind: his wise Master observing it, called him all to nought, that he came not up with him, the Footman seeing there was no avoiding it, stooped, and taking up a hard clod of Earth, threw it and hit his Master on the back; his Master turning about▪ asked what was the matter? O Sir said the Footman (holding his Leg with both his hands) I doubt your Horse hath lamed me quite; Sayest thou so (said he) well, be contented for this time, and assure thyself I will put him away; for he kicked me but just now on the Back, and it was God's mercy he did not dash out my Brains. 26. One Amner the great Bull-maker of Windsor, tumbling one day over a Form, A Pox on't (says he) I have burnt my shins. 27. A Barber, in the Country, seeing his Neighbour cut down a Pear-tree asked him for some of it▪ why, what would you do with it said the other, I would (replied he) make some Box Combs thereof. 28. A Gentleman both Foolish and Covetous ●earing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock against the holidays; What (said be) do you mean to undo me by such extravagant expenses; I will have but half a one killed at a time. 29. One bid his Shoemaker make one of his Boots bigger than the other, and when he brought them home A Pox on you for a Rogue (said he) I bid you make one bigger, and you have made one less. 30. A Mechanic in the late Times of Libertisme when every sordid Tradesman took a freedom to Prate what he would instead of Preaching; I say this Fellow usurping the Pulpit, would needs be in his Comparisons, (says he) The wicked keep company and flock together as Beasts, Birds, and Fishes: The Whoremasters keep one another Company, as Goats, on the Mountains: The Whorish, Babylonish Priests keep company as Rooks, Daws and Crows separate themselves; so do Drunkards meet together in numbers accompanying each other even as the white Herrings swim together by themselves, and the Red Herrings by themselves. 31. One ordering the Cloth to be taken away having dined, and having Poultry, said hastily Pray be sure to save the Chickens for the Crumbs. 32. A Fishmonger looking on a Well-boat building to keep his Fish alive therein, observing but few holes eryed out d'ye hear you Carpenter, the holes are not full of Boats enough. 33. One of the Vergers of the King's Chapel (a noted Bull-maker) coming in one Sunday morning, observed his Brother had placed several of his Friends in divers Pews before any of the Nobility, etc. were come; being angered at this, he came running to the other Verger saying, Prithee what hast thou done, you have almost half filled the Chapel before any one is come. 34. The same man at another time meeting his Godson, asked him, whither he was going? To School said the Boy. That's well done (said he) there is a Tester, be a good Boy and follow thy Book and I hope I shall live to hear thee Preach my Funeral Sermon. 35. One who took great delight in , kept Game-Chickens who had made themselves bold by fight, seeing them in that condition, he complained to his Friend saying, I don't knew what I shall do with my Chickens, for what with fight, and what with creeping under the Pens, these Teady things have scrubed all their hair of their Heads. 36. The same man came running to me one day and complained grieviously of the unkindness of the Churchwardens; Why, what's the matter (said I?) the matter quoth he; Why, they have divided my Pew, and thine which is next it into one. 37 A Country Attorney lying in Gray's Inn Lane over against the Gate, left one day (as it is usual) a note in his door, to signify where he was gone, but the Contents of this Note were very unusual; for thus he writ, I am gone to the Grays-Inn-Walks Tavern, if you cannot read what here is written carry it over the way to a Stationers and he will do it for you. 38. A Gentleman more Wealthy than wise▪ Travelled into Italy with his Tutor to gather understanding; being in Company a flattering Frenchman in the Company of some Italians praised the Hilt of the English-man's Sword extremely, whereupon the Gentleman being of a free Spirit, told him, it was at his Service, his Tutor seeing this was vexed to some purpose, wherefore taking his opportunity he chid his Pupil for indiscretion, telling him, he might have found twenty ways to have excused himself for not parting with his Sword; particulaaly thus, that truly it should be at his Service, but that it was a gift of a dear friend, and withal, that he had a Dagger of the same: Well said the young Gentleman, I will beware for the time to come; the Frenchman coming one Morning into his Chamber very much praised a pair of Slippers that he then wore; Truly (said the young Gentleman) They should be at your Service but that I have a Dagger of the same. 39 A Reverend Justice in the County of Norfolk being willing to befriend an old Servant of his that had stolen a Mare; said (as he sat upon the Bench) Gentlemen of the Jury, this poor Fellow was once my Servant, and as honest a Fellow as ever trod on of Leather, however he came now to steal a Mare, which is Felony as I take it, and therefore aught to be Hanged; but pray consider that he is very penitent I can assure you, and will never do so again; wherefore to save his Life, pray go out and find it Manslaughter▪ 40. It is reported of a Mayor of an Inland Town in the West Country, in the time of the Civil Wars, that calling his Brethren together to consult the safeguard of the Town, from the injury of the approaching Enemy, said, Brethren let us separate ourselves, and let us with great inconsideration endeavour to fortify the Town; in short, it is my opinion, that there is nothing more to be done, but to make the Walls Navigable. 41. A Gentleman who had lived long enough to be wiser, had a Maidservant who was married out of his House, several years after she came to visit her old Master, who at the sight of her was much overjoyed, and made much of her, amongst many other questions he asked her, how many Children she had? To which she replied; Sir, I have none and never had any. Sayest so, that's very strange, that such a buxom young Woman as you are should have no Child; but now I think on't, what a fool was I to ask that question, for now I well remember thy Mother had no Child neither. 42. A Sea Captain newly come a shore was invited to a Hunting Mach, after the sport was over, coming home he related to his friend what pastime he had abroad, in this manner; our Horses being completely Rig'd, we man'd them, and the Wind being at West South-west (Twenty of us being in company) away we stood over the Downs, in the time of half a Watch we spied a Hare under a full gale, we tacked and stood after her, coming up close she tacked, and we tacked, upon which tack I had like to have run a ground, but getting clear off, I stood after her again, but as the Devil would have it just to labour to lay her Aboard, bearing too much Wind, I and my Horse over-set and came Keel upward. 43. A Foolish Gentleman riding upon the Road with his Man, was persuaded to ride faster or else they should come late into their Inn; for said his Servant it is eight a Clock by my Watch, prithee said his Master put thy Watch an hour backwards, and then we may ride leisurely having time enough. The same Gentleman bid his man the next morning early, look out at the Window and see whether it was day, the Man looking out, told his Master, it was yet as dark as pitch, You fool (said he) if it be so dark, how canst thou see day unless thou take a Candle. 44. One asked another, whether he had read such a Book from end to end: that's a Bull said the other, for a Book hath a beginning and an end: but I▪ ever heard before, that it hath two ends, It may be so said he, and you may as well say, that you never heard of a Man that could begin a Psalm backwards. 45. A Gentlewoman seeing her Servant go undecently about the House with her sleeves stripped up to her Armpits called hastily to her, saying, I wonder Wench thou wilt go up and down thus with thy Arms above thy Elbows. 46. One asked another, what News from the Sessions-House? Why, said he, there were four Condemned, and three were Whizd in the Fist; one whereof I am confident was burnt in the hand with a cold Iron. 47. One was telling what a Stratagem a Bailiff used to take a person Indebted who lay concealed and would not stir abroad, said he, to cause the people of that house wherein the Person was, to open the door to see what was the matter, he ran to and fro in sight of the House stark Naked in his Shirt. 48. One commending his own Writing said, That he knew very few that writ better than himself; you talk like a Fool said the other, you Writ, you Sh— I know a fellow that will Write with his Toes a better hand than you. 49. One asked another at Sea if he were forced to it which he had rather lose his Legs, or his Arms; In troth said the other, I had rather lose my Legs; for should I lose my hands where ever I went I could not help myself, but sit with my hands in my pockets. 50. Two Travelling over Shat-over-Hill to Oxford said the one, this Shat-over-Hill is a fine place for a Windmill, I said the other if there were any probability of forcing water hither. 51. A Countryman seeing a great many stones piled up in St. Paul's Churchyard, said to his Friend, I wish I had a good quantity of these stones at home: what would you do with them said the other? Why, said he with those Stones I would build a Brickwall round my House. 52. A Traveller swore, that in the Deserts of Arabia he had seen a Unicorn with two Horns. 53. One complaining to another of the unkindness of his supposed Friend, said, I no sooner turned my Back but he abused me to my very Face. 54. One at Dinner demanded of another what part of the Bullock a Clod of Beef●y as, the other laughed at his ignorance, and told him it was the shoulder bone of the Flank▪ 55. One seeing an Orchard whose Trees were very full of Pears, asked one what the Owner intended to do with them all, O says he, he sells them to Bakers to make two penny Apple Pies. 56. A Fellow that was Robbed complained saying, The Thiefs had stolen all his Brass and Pewter excepting one Iron Pot. 57 Two passing the Streets in a serious discourse were interrupted by a Dumb Beggar, Sirrah (said one) done't you see we are busy, therefore leave off your importunity, or I'll set you packing, and thereupon lifted up his foot to kick him. O fie said his Friend, will you kick a Dumb man? Is he Dumb said the other? why did he not tell me so. 58. Many dining together at one Ordinary made a Match to play at Bowls, but one would play but two shillings Rubbers; before I will play for so little (said the other) I will sit down and walk Horses. 59 One endeavouring to prove which of all Creatures was longest lived Swore that an Eel lived longest after it was dead. 60. One passing the Ferry at Hampton Court, the Ferry-man's Wife at that time officiated, whereat he wondered, saying, I never till now saw a Woman Ferryman. 61. One being Sentenced to die fell on his knees and begged of the Judge to spare him his Life for his poor Wife's sake and his Fatherless Children. 62. One relating to his Friend how hard he drank the Day before said, Faith Tom I bore my Drink better than any of them for a long time, but at length, finding I could neitber go nor stand, I sneaked away and ran home as hard as I could drive. 63. One was telling another, how healthful it was to live in a good Air, and how unwholesome in a bad, In troth I believe you said he, for I myself lived in a Fenny, unhealthy Air, where if I had lived till this time, I am sure; I should have been dead seven years ago. 64. A Person boasting how good his Credit was, said That he knew a Scrivener who would at any time lend him Forty pounds on his own Bond without either Scrip or Scroll. 65. One coming into an Inn asked the Host, how long he had lived there, not three days yet, Sir, said he, the other pausing a while asked how many Barrels he drew a week. 66. A person of quality in a Church, coming near the place where his Ancestors were buried after he had praised them for worthy men, Well, said he, If I live I will be buried by them. 67. Two playing at Tick-tack for money, he that lost desired they might play a while for nothing; now he that before had lost so many Games, now won more, whereupon he said to the other, when we play for money you always beat me, but if you will play for nothing, I will play with you for an hundred pounds. 68 Two walking together in a Cloister, and boasting of their running, one said to the other, do you run this way, and I'll run that way, and I'll hold you Ten pounds I meet you, before you meet me. 69. A Purblind Fellow in a thick foggy morning, passing through Cheapside ran against a Post, and taking it for a Man said, I cry you mercy; and presently running against another, said, I cry you mercy again Sir, truly I think you and I shall meet in Heaven. 70. A Captain seeing a very proper man, asked who he was, his name is Jockson said one, I have heard of one Jackson who fought a Duel with Talbot and was slain, said he, this is not that Jackson is it? 71. One passing by a Polterers' shop and seeing a goodly Swan lying upon a Stall said, I wish that Swan were mine, why said the other, what would you do with it if it were, why said he, I would make me a Goose-●●● on't against Christmas. 72. One seeing a parcel of merry Companions, said, I marry Sir, now I see you are merry in sober sadness. 73. One going into an Alehouse called for a pot of all Ale with a little Beer in't. 74. A Hireling Player being denied the augmentation of his Wages, grew angry, and said, If you want you shall see me in Ireland within these two days. 75. A foolish fellow making lamentable faces was asked what was the matter, O said he I have such a pain in my Thigh, that I cannot lift my Hand to my Head. 76. A blind Minister coming to speak with a Gentleman, his Man came and told him, that the old blind Minister was come to see him. 77. Two Fellows bragging what brave Houses their Masters kept in Christmas, says one, my Master kills every day an Ox, Pish said the other, my Master kills an Ox and a half. 78. One brought a Butcher before a Justice for killing a Cow that died of herself, and selling of her Flesh in the Market. 79. One told another with indignation, that he had received an affront from a very Goose, O said the other I know what Goose you mean, I'm sure it is a Goose with two Legs. 80. An ignorant she Cockney seeing a Goose with many young Goslings, said, She wondered how she suckled them all. A Bull Prologue: Supposedly writ by Sr. W. D. YOU who sitting here Do stand to see our Play Which must this Night, Be Acted here to Day. Be silent pray, Though you aloud do talk: Stir not a jot, Though up and down you walk. For every silent noise The Players see Will make them mute And speak full angrily: O stay but here Until you do departed. Gently your smiling frowns To us impart. And we most thankless Thankful will appear, And wait upon you home But yet stay here. 81. One who had been in the East Indies swore he had seen an entire Crystal Rock of pure Gold. 82. One falling from his Horse and pitching on his Head ran amongst a company of people standing by, and swore his Neck was broken. 83. One complaining to his Friend, how many crosses he groaned under, said, My vexations are so great I wish my out of this Life, or out of the World, I care not whether. 84. One threatening another absent, meaning to say, that where ere he met him he would kill him, though he found him pissing against a Wall, swore hastily, that where ere he met him, he would run him through a Wall pissing. 85. One rebuked his Friend, for calling one Son of a Whore, for said he, You know his Mother hath the general repute of a very honest Woman. It is true replied the other, I know his Mother to be an honest Woman, and yet he is the Son of a Whore for all that. 86. One having his Head broken at the Bear-garden in several places, coming home, desiring his Wife to have a great care of him, for said he, I have ten broken Heads at least. 87. One praising much the Lord Mayor of that present year; Another standing by, said, he had seen a Thousand better. Another much alike. One complaining of the badness of Trade in Smithfield, said, He had seen an hundred and an hundred Bartholomew-Fairs, but never came a worse than that. 88 One said, He would never endure the Moon again, for said he, the Quean served me a slippery trick i'faith the other Night; for she did light me along very well till I came to a Ditch, and then slipping behind a Cloud she let me fall in. 89. One being in the Water, desired his friend to come in also, to which he replied, he could swim no more than a Dog, being entreated the second time, said, I protest I can swim no more than a Post, and being pressed the Third time, said he, Why then I vow and protest I can swim no more than a Goose. 90. One said, it was Ten miles from London to Barnet, the other said it must be more, for it was so far to his knowledge forty years ago, and sure Miles, as all other things have their increase. 91. One complaining of the Folly of the Age, swore Men were far wiser in future times then now. 92. One being desired to sit down to Dinner, said, I thank you kindly, but I can eat nothing, for I have had a long time no more stomach than a Horse. 93. A Country Fellow was asked, what Sir Copplestone Banfields' Christian Name was? he answered, he had almost forgot, but certain he was, that it was either Richard, or Thomas. 94. One excusing himself to his Friend, for lying a Bed ●● long, said, He came home very late last Night: why how late was it, said the other? in troth said he, it was five a Clock in the Morning. 95. One looking in a Latin Book, was asked by a Friend that overlookt him, whether he could read it or no? to whom he replied, yes indifferently, but it is the most broken English that ere I saw. 96. A Fellow hearing one cry Sandwich Carrots, went to the Cart, and looking on them, said, These are not Sandwich Carrots, indeed said the Carter but they are; whereupon said the other, they may be Sandwich Carrots, but I will lay my Life, they were sown, and reaped in London. 97. One seeing a large fat Bull, said, I wish I might have a pair of that Bulls Cow-heels when she is killed. 98. A Gentleman hearing his Friend speak very impertinently, said, Was ever Calf so brought to bed of a Bull before? 99 One jeering a young Sailor, said, He was a fresh water Seaman. 100 King James lying sick, one prayed, that he might Reign as long as the Sun and the Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son after him. 101. One having lost his Gloves, said, I am so forgetful that in my Conscience I should lose my Britch, did I carry it about me. 102. One being newly married, being discovered by another to walk discontentedly, said, Friend, since thou hast changed thy condition, thou walkest up and down like an Image. 103. One having a Cane in his hand, in merriment offered to strike at his Friend therewith, Prithee said the other, leave of fooling, it is ill jesting with Edge Tools. 104. One said, He had rid his Horse till he had never ●●ry thread about him. 105. One asked another, how he liked that Glass of white Wine which they then were drinking: ma●ry said he I never drank Wine that pleased me so well, and is so good in every respect, yet to speak the Truth; I have drank better in France. 106. One being advised to go to Sea, because he was in Debt No says he, I will not venture my Life for my Liberty; let me tell you this in shor●●●● know the Sea is dangerous, wherefore I say, I had rather Travel all the World over by Land, then Her●ing-brook, St. George's Channel. 107. One having an extreme Cough, said, If one Cough be so troublesome, what should a man do, if he had Twenty. 108. A young Wench going to Market, was asked by a Neighbour, how all did at home? Why says she my Father, Mother, and rest of our Folks have been ●●ry● sick●, but all the Household is well in general. 109. One being persuaded to tell a Tale to make she rest merry, says he, I can tell you a notable tale b●● to say the Truth at present I cannot remember one word of it. 110. A very old Country Churl, said, That the Days. in Queen Elizabeth's time far exceeded ours for length▪ for now four and twenty hours to a day is counted a great matter. 111. One going to a House of Office, fie upon't says he, there is an odorifferous House indeed; I warrant they eat no sweet meats that leave these foul scents behind them. 112. One asked another which was the best Pot-hearb▪ Why says he, in my opinion a good sat Leg of Mutton is the best Pot-hearb in the Pot. 113. One speaking of the Wether, and the season▪ of the Year, We are like says he, to have a backward Spring, for St. Matthews day lights on a Holiday. 114. One seeing a Swan fluttering in the water, said, what an Ass is yonder Goose rather to live dabbling in the Water then on dry Land. 115. One riding on a Packsaddle to Redding on a tired ●ade, says he, I never rid harder in my life, considering the slowness of my pace. 116. A Justice examining a poor Thieving Scholar said, Sirrah, you are an Arch Rogue but take heed; for if you be once hanged your Book cannot save you from the Gallows. 117. A Cobbler complaining to a Brother that he could not drink his Ale in quiet for a scolding Wife, Well says he, it is no matter, for though she should cut my Throat and thy Throat, yet we will still drink our Ale together. 118. A Traveller complained to his Host, that he was much gauled in riding; How came that to pass, said he, ▪ I'll tell you said the other; my saddle was soft enough, but I believe my Breech came to be galled by riding over a long broken stony Causey. 119. One taking leave of his Friends, said, Well, since we must part, affection will break out of these dry Eyes, but farewell and be hanged, I can but wish you well. 120. One going on the Ice it cracked under him, well said he, If the Ice should break I shall be over Head and Ears, but 'tis no matter, I can swim if I were at the bottom of the Water. 121. God forgive me says one, I seldom pray but when it Thunders, and then I can remember, forty years ago, for fear will quicken a dead man's Wits. 122. A conceited Fellow passing over a narrow Bridge another met him half way; Friend says he, It was ill done to meet me thus full-but, you might have had the manners to have come after me behind. 123. One having his Candle knawn every Night by the Mice, says he, I will let my Candle burn every Night, and then I shall be sure to save it from such destructive Vermin. 124. Two Butchers over-seeing their Dogs fight, one cries out, the brinded Dog proves the better man my life on't. 125. One ask whence Lobsters were brought, the other replied, one might easily know their Country by their Coat, one sort are fetched certainly from the Black-Sea, and the other from the Red-Sea. 126 One commended his Son for a good Scholar, for said he, He can read in any thing without Book at first sight. 127. A Gentleman in a Tavern seeing a Saltcellar of foul Salt before him, called very angrily to the Drawer, bidding him bring up some fresh Salt presently. 128. Mr. Amner with some of his Friends was invited to a Funeral not far from Windsor, where coming and finding the House full of Company, they went into an Arbour, having sat there a great while, Mr. Amner went in to know when the Corpse would go to Church, but finding it gone he came hastily to his Friends, saying to them, Come come, what do you mean to stand sitting there. They are gone and pointing over the Pale, and showing them the Corpse and People in the next Field, he said, do you not see? They are out of sight already. Another. At another time he complained to his Friend, saying, Never was man so abused for coming over Datchet-Ferry, a Scurvy Woman Waterman put over the Boat and Landed me clean in the Myre. Another. The same Mr. Amner hearing some of his Neighbours persuading one to go into the Water with them in the Summer time, who could not swim; said he, Neighbour be persuaded for once by me, never go into the Water till you have perfectly learned to Swim. Another. Being asked, whether an intimate friend of his lately Dead had left him a Legacy? No in Faith quoth he, not a Tester to drink his health. 128. About the year, 1671, there was an Insurrection in Dublin about the building a new Bridge over the Fife, some time after, one of these fellows, who was known to be actual in it, was brought before a Justice for some misdemeanour, the Justice knowing him, said, Sirrah, sirrah, you shall be hanged if the Law will do it, you are a notorious Rogue, I remember you in the last Resurrection. Another. This Justice having rid very hard his Horse grew sick, whereupon he complained, saying, Well, well, I have done very ill to ride my Horse thus hard, I doubt he●'l hardly ever be his own Man again. Pleasant Stories. A Nobleman's Revenge on a bold Sergeant. IN Poitiers in France a Nobleman owing a considerable sum of Money, his Creditors were resolved to Arrest him, let it cost them everso-much; they soon met with a fellow for their purpose, one who was as Impudent as Valiant, for he would venture upon the greatest difficulty. One day he met with this Lord and boldly coming up to him, told him what he was, and his business; the Lord made no resistance, but smothering his displeasure and revenge bid the Sergeant come along with him, it being about noon, he said, he would first dine and then consider what was to be done. The Lord went to a Cabaret or Tavern, and having bespoke dinner he privately sent away for some of his Servants and then fell into discourse with this Sergeant who began to mistrust some mischief ensuing, and therefore made a thousand simple excuses for enterprising this bold attempt, the Lord said little to him till he had dined, and then he called to one of his Gentlemen to bring him a pair of Sissers, being brought, go now said he, and pair that fellows nails very close, pointing to the Sergeant, he seeing there was no avoiding it, patiently endured although the Gentleman cut his Nails to the very quick; this being done, the Lord came to him saying, now Sir I am assured you cannot scratch me, and I am resolved you shall not be able to by't me neither, so forcing him into a Chair, he caused his Teeth to be drawn out one by one, Now Sir said he have a care of abusing the next time any of my rank and quality; yet know Sir I will be kind to you after all this, I will sweeten your sauce for you, so causing him to be stripped stark-naked, he commanded Honey to be brought, with which he anointed him all over, and rolled in Feathers, never did African Monster appear so strange and ridiculous; Lastly, he caused a Label to be fixed to his back wherein were written these words, This is Antichrist. Now said the Nobleman I shall take my leave of you, not without extending my Civility farther in your behalf, I doubt you may be indisposed and therefore you shall ride home, hereupon this poor Devil in Feathers was mounted, with his Hands tied behind him, and his Face towards the Tail of his Horse, and so led through the Streets to the great wonder and laughter of the People. The Contented Cuckold. A Nobleman of France did very lately fall in Love with a Citizen's Wife of Paris, and left no means unattempted till he had made her all compliance: This Lord being one day at Court saw the Husband of his Female Friend come into the Pallas Royal, and by enquiry found that his business would not quickly be dispatched, whereupon way he shrunk out of the Court, and got privately as he thought into the House of this Citizen, but it seems he was discovered by this Citizen's Brother, who detested the debauchery of his Sister and therefore presently dispatched away a Messenger to Court to acquaint his Brother what unhappily he had discovered. The Citizen presently takes this Alarm, and thinking his feet to slow, took Coach and drove Jehu-like, to hinder what was already past prevention. His Wife hearing a Coach come in that furious manner to her door, imagined she was betrayed, and therefore advised the Lord that was in Bed with her to rise and abscond himself in a place she had provided, in case any such discoveries should happen: hearing as he thought some body coming up the stairs, for haste left his on the Bed which she seeing in as great haste and confusion threw them into a Chest, but so unadvisedly that the embroidered sleeve of the Doublet hung out, of which she took no notice, but fell to dressing herself as little concerned as if she had no more harm in her then in a little Female Devil newly arrived to the Teens. Her Husband entering the Chamber said, Madam, understanding that my Lord came to visit you this Morning, I thought he might also have some business of great Importance to whisper in my ear, and that made me return sooner than you expected. The Gentlewoman confidently replied, that he was misinformed, for there had no body been with her that day. Her Husband looking about the Room espied the Lords Embroidered sleeve hang out of the Chest, and asked whose it was, and how it came thither? this 〈◊〉 Woman, who like the rest of her Sex never wants an excuse in time of extremity, replied, (but tremblingly) Sweet Heart, a Gentlewoman wanting money brought it me to show you, desiring to have but forty Crowns lent upon it; let me see it (said he) and looking upon it presently knew whose it was, and without discovering any passion; pulled off his own Coat and put on that Embroidered with Gold: when he had so done, come, come, said he, I must examine your Wardrobe, and looking into the Chest found what appertained thereunto, as Hat, Cravat, Breeches, etc. which he took out, and habited himself therewith from top to toe, being thus gallantly, nay nobled Attired, he struts too and fro the Chamber, admiring himself in his Walk, and when he had left off adoring himself, said he, now prithee Wife tell me, don't I look like a Lord, have not I his very Mein, I cannot believe but I am one now, do thou believe so to, and we shall hug one the other oftener; but all this while I pity the poor Gentleman that owns them, for doubtless he hath been at Play to Night, and losing all, is forced to deposit his Garments, and is it may be now a cold for his heat of Fancy. The Gentleman being in a strange confusion knew not what to do, nor say; at length collecting a little courage, she had the Confidence to say, Sir, you strangely impose upon me; for why is it not as Lawful for me to go to the Court of Aids, as for you to go so often to the Exchange? No replied he, since you have fitted me for the Court, I le no more to the Exchange; and thereupon instantly went down the stairs and calling for a Coach, ordered the Coachman to drive him instantly to the Pallais Royal, where dismounting he betook himself to the long Gallery where the Nobility usually frequented, at this approach, the Eyes of all the Court were upon him, every one wondering what this fine thing should be, after several opinions were spent upon him, it was concluded by the most, that as he was a stranger he could by his habit be no less than a Nobleman; at length a Courtier drawing near to Caress and Compliment this Noble stranger looking steadfastly in his face knew him, and cried out aloud, O the Devil is it you Mr. Coquelineux; and thereupon made all the haste from him he could to inform his Majesty, first of a strange sight was newly come to Court, viz. his Mercer as fine as any Lord. His Majesty commanded him to be brought in, which was as the other designed and desired. At first sight the King knew the Person, and to whom those fine properly belonged, and was strangely surprised at the sight of both so improperly conjoined. At length says the King, Coquelineux prithee thy meaning for this thy fantastical appearance: wouldst thou by this Garb (because I am in thy Books) persuade me to make thee what thou dost personate? Though I own thee Money, yet I own thee no such honour; besides, if thou wouldst only barely represent a Lord, thou art mistaken in the time, for this is no day of State. The Mercer heard his Majesty with great attention, and perceiving an Answer was expected, replied, May it please your Majesty, my intent of coming hither, was to no other end then to restore to the right owner his due. This splendid Suit with the appurtenances I found in my Wife's Chamber, and discovered where she had laid them by the sleeve of this embroyderea Coat hanging out of the Chest carelessly: upon a full view, I asked whose they were; she very ingeniously told me, A Gentlewoman brought them to her to show to me, to know how much I would lend upon them, but I mistrusting they may be stolen from some person of Quality, thought fit to put them on, and walk publicly at Court, for by that means the right owner may come to a better knowledge of his goods by sight than any description. The King could not forbear laughing hearty to see so much seeming honesty and simplicity in his Mercer; and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the Lord was in, whom he concluded to be left without Garments: now that his Majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight, he caused two Pursuivants to be sent immediately to the Mercer's House and there search for this Nobleman, and, if found, to bring him instantly to Court, fans all excuse of going any where else. This Lord fearing some such design, thought any delay dangerous in staying, clothed himself in the habit of the Mercer and as an assistance to his disguise, he put on a black Gown which he found hanging up which belonged to a Doctor of Physic then lying in the House; and in this Equipage thinking to go home undiscovered, as he was sneaking out of doors he was met by the Pursuivants, who knowing him by his Countenance, told him in few words, what his Majesty had commanded them, and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before His Majesty: he seeing there was no avoiding it went (not without great disorder in his thoughts) with the Officers. The King and several of the Nobles seeing this Lord in such an Antique dress, fell into such a Laughter, that they utterly forgot the civility that is due to the Royal Presence; The King having laughed his sides sore, had at last leisure to say; how now Cousin whence came you; the Nobleman, who was very facetious, presently replied, from Hell I think an't please your Majesty for I came from a bottomless pit: Indeed (said the King) by your Garb you look as if you had been a Conjuring somewhere. You are in the right Sir (said the Lord) for I can assure your Majesty this Morning I raised the Devil, and laid his Dam: in short, I will tell your Majesty the whole Truth, a Friend of mine was in a high Fever and wanted a cooling Clyster, and would have to Administer it but myself: I pitying her condition, in compliance to her desires performed this Morning the part of a Charitable Physician. The King by these words very well understood what his Cousin had been doing, and in raillery checked him; saying, indeed you are too blame to give any Woman Physic without the consent of her Husband; for the time to come forbear such practices, if for no other cause than to shun making such a Metamorphosis as you have done: for see there, a Mercer changed into a Lord, and here a Lord changed into a Conjurer; and so dismissed them, allotting the Mercer that gorgeous Suit in part of satisfaction for the wrong he had received, whilst the other's shame was a sufficient punishment. A French Nobleman Cuckolded by his Servants. IT is customary among the Nobility, and persons of great quality in France to lie in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies. Now there was a Lord (shall be at present nameless) who notwithstanding his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France, yet he must (forsooth) follow the humour of the Country; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the sweet embraces of his lovely comfort, rising from his own bed he would steal out in the dark in his Shirt, making no noise, and knocking at his Lady's Chamber do●e softly, she knowing his custom gave him admittance; now besides the Mode he had another reason (as he said) to approve thereof, because it looked so like Whoreing. Having performed the necessary, and obliging duty of the Marriage Bed, he returned to his own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed repose. One of this Lord's Valet de Chambre taking notice of this humour, concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Lady's Chamber, and participate of the same Pleasures by the same means his Master's humour had inculcated into his thoughts. Upon a serious consultation with himself, he concluded that Night best for the accomplishing his Design in which his Master had visited his Lady; about an hour after resolved to put his Lustful Project in Practice; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance: Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent their time, without my putting the modest to the extravagant expense of blushes. All I shall say is, That this Fellow performed and repeated his part so vigorously and so often, that when he went from her, he left her all wonder and amazement: and that which increased her admiration was his profound silence although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetoric she could devise: whilst she was thus ruminating with herself; her Husband, stimulated more than ordinary by some provocatives, he had taken the day before, returns and with his accustomed knock and whisper demanded a re-entrance, she knowing her Lord's voice arose and let him in; as he was about to renew his former enjoyment, his Lady begged him to forbear, urging that he was much too blame to be so inordinate in his desires: what (said she) Can not you my Lord (since you find in yourself so great an alteration) be content to lie all Night here but that you must expose your Body to the cold thrice in less than two hours? Nay, nay sweetheart indeed it was but twice, you wrong me indeed said he: To which she replied, That she was not mistaken, for assuredly it was so often. Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it; and from what he had already heard ●nd gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants; but kept all close from his Lady (for she was a virtuous Gentlewoman) to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce. Having lain a while (in which time he studied to divert his Lady as well as he could) he got up, and being come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male-servants Chambers that were about him making (along as he went a str●ct enquiry with his Nose into every Bed, for it seems this Lady was well scented. There was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspicion; because besides his Complexion which never failed of an ardent inclination to the Female Sex, he was besides both a handsome and a very subtle Fellow, but he could not tell which Bed he lay in; by chance groping up and down in the dark he found his Bed, and pulling up the smelled a perfume he was very well acquainted with; and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day, he took out of his Pocket a pair of Scissors, and snipt off one of his Whiskers, for than it was the Fashion to wear them. This Fellow was awake, and by this knew very well his Master, and his Design, first by smelling, and then by marking him, that he might be known the next day, to prevent which as soon as his Master was gone, he instantly starts up; and going into all the Chambers aforesaid cuts off from every one that had any that Whisker that was on the same side of the Mouth that his was on, and returns to his own Bed. The Servants getting up next morning, and seeing each others right Whisker gone stood stareing one upon another like so many distracted Bedlamites, not knowing what to say, or whom to accuse. In short, one that was known sufficiently to be an arch Rogue was suspected, and thereupon some of the more passionate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully, others took his part, by which means they were all engaged by the Ears: at the noise hereof the whole House was alarmed and running to see what was the matter, they were so surprised with the strangeness of such a Comical sight, that laying aside all respect to their Lord and Lady, that they laughed beyond measure. Sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary Passions, in one entire Company, proceeding from one and the same cause. These poor Semi-barbarians finding themselves laughed at by their fellows, whom they observed not so abused as they were, imagining them the Plotters of this mischief, and without examining whether it was so or no, diverted the quarrel among themselves upon the others. Now did the Combat begin afresh, with more eagerness than before, which caused one to run and tell the Lord, that there was a Civil War Commenced among his Servants, and that if he came not quickly and decide the Controversy their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present Attendants. Hereupon his Lordship commanded a Cessation of Arms, and that they should presently come before him, hereupon they went and cleansed themselves from the Blood each Face, by Fight, had contracted; for as they then were, one Face could hardly be distinguished from the other, and then came and appeared before their Lord in the great Hall. In the mean time he ordered his Lady to be there. Upon the appearance of the men, my Lord and Lady were possessed with the same different Passions as their Servants were; for the first was in a Fury to see that Traitor who had abused him; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imaginable: after a little time the half Whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whiskers, as to the injury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards; the Defendants alleged that they were guiltless of the Fact, and that for their good will in coming to part them they were Assaulted by them. To end the Controversy, in short, said my Lord, it was I that cut off one Whisker whosoever is the owner thereof I will have his Head off too for an irreparable injury he hath done me, their former passion was converted into another of that fear, so that now their Knees waged more than their Hands before: look here (said my Lord) whose remaining Whisker matcheth this in Colour, he is the Subject of my revenge. Hereupon Carrats fell on his knees, and begged his Pardon, confessing the whole Truth; for this witty endeavour of concealment he gave him his Life with the loss of his Ears, and delivered him over to the abused Semi-whiskers who got a Blanket and tossed him so long in Revenge, that they had like to tossed his bones out of his skin as well as out of his Lordships. A mad Wooer well fitted. ONE Wooing a Widow, more to satisfy his Friends, then to oblige his own inclination; told her, that he had three qualities which she must be acquainted with before he married her. The first was, that when he went abroad, and returned home he should be angry without a cause: Secondly, he must eat his meat alone: And Thirdly, that he should lie with her but once a Month. If this be all said she I care not for as to the first, whereas you say, you shall be angry without a cause, I will take care to give you cause enough never fear. And for the second in eating your Meat alone, do and spare not, but it shall be after I have dined. And as for your Lying with me but once a Month take your course; If you will not another shall, for in that time, I shall have a Month's mind to another. A great noise to little purpose. IN the latter end of Queen Elizabeth's Reign, there was a great rumour of an Invasion, whereupon great numbers of Horse and Foot were raised about London, insomuch, that the whole Kingdom was terribly affrighted; but all coming to nothing, a Country Gentleman then in the City asked his Friend, to what end all that Mustering in London and Middlesex was? To what end (quoth the other?) why to Mild-End; for there was the general Muster. And to what end were so many Barges, and Loiters sent down to block up the Thames? To what end? why to Gravesend, quoth the other. I but said the Gentleman to what end was the great hurley-burley by Land and Water? To what end (quoth the other?) why in troth as far as I understand to no end at all. The Amorous Contest. THE Duke of Lerma used, by way of Magnificency and State, when he washed before Dinner, to give a Ring to him that held the Basin, and another that held the Ewer, One time above the 〈◊〉, having a Diamond Ring on his Finger, he made this public proposition, That whosoever of the Company could relate the saddest story in Love 〈◊〉 should have the Ring: whereupon a Gentleman there present undertook the task, and thus began. May it please your Grace to understand; that I along time served two Mistresses, of different Form and Feature, the one as foul as the other fair, the one loved me, whom out of mere gratitude I was obliged to show some respect; the other hated me as much, as I thought whom I loved beyond expression. Being utterly destitute, at last, of all hope and Comfort, I dedicated my whole time to solitude, which in a little time brought on me a desperate Fever, which in the opinion of my Physicians would not end but with my Life. The report hereof coming to my cruel fair ones car, made her come to visit me, who seeing to what weakness I was reduced, smothered no longer her flame (having for some Reasons hitherto, concealed her soft Passion) but professed how endearedly she loved me, and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to this condition. No Cordial could so revive my spirits, neither Julip so allay my unnatural heat, as did these sweet and melting expressions, so that in a short time I recovered my strength. Her Father hearing of our Love, vowed to cross it, and thereupon locked her up from my sight; but finding do what he could, we privately conveyed Letters to one another; he animated my Rival to fight me, In short we fought, and by the happy Influence of Heaven, I gained the Victory with my Rival's Death: Now the Law of my Country being very severe against Duels, I was forced to fly, hoping in time my friends would procure my Pardon. But now to make my Misery complete, the cruel Father of my Mistress forced her in my absence to Marry an old Count his Neighbour, the Corruption of whose Body rendered him fit for a Grave than Marriage Bed. Now, if your Grace do judge my Calamity can receive addition, and that my Afflictions lay not claim to your Ring, be pleased to bestow it on some more wretched than myself. He had no sooner ended his Speech, but another thus began. Great Prince, I must begin my mournful Story where this Gentleman ends his. He received at once, both a Pardon for the Murder and a Letter from his Mistress to make haste into her embraces; the Count her Husband being gone a long Journey; he desired me to Associate him in this pleasing journey and I willingly yielded to his invitation. Arriving at the Old Count's Castle his Mistress met him with the same joy and gladness with which the Spring the Sun doth entertain. Long did their Kisses interrupt their Speech, which at length broke out into unfeigned protestations, how much their past miseries had endeared each to other. When they had chatted their fill to Supper we went, which finished, a Banquet succeeded, ravishing both to Eye and Pallat. This ended, one comes in and whispering the Lady in the Ear she instantly changed Colour and cried out, she was undone for ever, unless I did her one friendly Office, which should eternally engage her to me; having told her, I desired no greater honour than to die in her Service. Whereupon she told me, that the old Count her Husband was returned, and newly gone to Bed being very weary and expected her coming. Now Sir said she, not daring to trust any of my Maids, with the Secret of my Friend's being here, but you and my Sister, do me the favour about an hour hence to put on one of my Coives, and one of my Smocks and go to bed to my Husband, who without doubt will be asleep before you come; if he be not, all he will do is but to Hug you about the middle or kiss you, for other dalliance you need not fear him; besides Age hath not yet brushed your Chin, so that it seems to me as smooth as mine; by this means shall I and my dearest beloved own a● the fruition of love's delights to you alone. In short Sir, I was not only attentive, but obedient to her request, and into the supposed Bed of the old Count I went, where I was no sooner laid, but I heard him breath, and felt him stir and move towards me, whereat I shrunk away to avoid his loathsome touch; but he moved still onwards and I farther and farther till I lay half naked out of bed. In the morning as I was shrinking out of Bed to be gone, on a sudden my Friend and the Countess came dancing into the Chamber, he in his Shirt, and she in her Smock: my Soul hereat was strangely divided betwixt fear and wonder, fear of my own detection, and amazement at their boldness, thinking that excess of pleasure had made them run distracted. At length coming to the Bedside drawing the Curtains, each of them with a Taper in their hand shown me the most lamentable and unpardonable error that ever man committed, for instead of the old rotten Count, there lay by me the Sister of the Countess, who for sprightful youth, and charming beauty Nature never yet produced her like. Now Sir when with the highest admiration I beheld this Miracle of her Sex, and what a Heaven of happiness I, by mistake, had lost, I hardly could refrain from laying violent hands on myself: my friend reaped his enjoyments; which I am never like to do, for being forced to leave the Castle in a very little time after I hear she is removed I know not whither, so that I must now languish and die in the Tyranny of restless desire. This Speech being ended, the Duke confessed that they both deserved much, but he questioned whether the Count's Sister deserved not as much as both, nay, more, for she knew whom was in Bed with her, and knowing herself to be so near a good turn and m●ss, aggravates vexation to the very height, and therefore said, the Ring to her did properly belong. A Story of Purgatory. THE Pope gave a Priest a Silver Bason, and endued it with this virtue, that whosoever dropped a French Crown into it, or to that value his Friend's Soul should instantly upon the Sound of it be delivered out of Purgatory. In the Town where the Priest lived dwelled a mad debauched fellow, whose Uncle had left him a good Estate. To him this Priest came, and offered for a French Crown to free his Uncle's Soul from Purgatory. The young man replied, it was a reasonable proposition, whereupon he took out a Crown and dropped it into the Basin, than asked the Priest if his Uncle's Soul was yet out of Purgatory, I dare lay upon my life it is freed said the Priest, which words were no sooner said, but the young man took up his money again, and put it into his pocket, whereat the Priest displeased said, If you take your money again, his Soul will again enter into Purgatory. Nay said the young man there is no fear of that, for if my Uncle be as obstinate an old Knave dead, as he was living, if he be once out all the Devils in Hell cannot get him in again. The Cheater Cheated. A Comly Matronly Woman (whom I shall forbear to nominate) lately lived in the Burrow of Southwark, who wanting things necessary both for the Ornament of the body, and furniture of a house, held a long consultation with herself how she might effect her desires by a well contrived credit. Many plots she laid, but found none of them firm enough to build the Structure of her designed advantage till she chanced to hit upon this stratagem. She had a Daughter which was more handsome than honest, and much more witty than wise; in short, both Mother and Daughter were both as right as my leg, and as good as ever twanged. These two consulting together, concluded thus, that they should in the first place change their habitation, but before they did it, the Daughter went to one of the Devils Factors, alias a Tally-man with whom she was acquainted, and took up all the Materials belonging to Man's Apparel, which she said was for her Husband, who was returned home to receive what pay was due to him for serving his Majesty by Sea, against the Hollander: She told her story so plausibly, expressing so much joy for his escape, and what great advantages were like to accrue to her by the Valour of her Husband, that 〈◊〉 Tally-man did not only trust her with a Suit of man's Apparel, but furnished herself with many necessary things she wanted. Being laded with credit, home she came, and having removed all their goods to a place convenient for their future projects, the old Gentlewoman played the changeling with her sex, by throwing off her Female weeds, and clothing herself, in every respect, like a man, the young Baggage for a while pretended her Mother was lately dead, and that being left to the wide world, she knew not what course to steer for want of advice; there was a young man who belonged to the Sea, did Court her, but she was fearful of engaging, she had so wrought upon the Affections of divers of her Neighbours, partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue, that they undertook not only to advise but assist her. Whereupon understanding that her Sweetheart lay as a lodger in her house, some of them came to inquire into his Estate, and being very well satisfied therein, they then inquired into his resolution of marrying this young woman, be protested he loved her before any in the world, and if she would, they should be mariyed the next day, it was agreed upon, and accordingly the Mother in a Masculine habit went to Church where they were married according to form; great was the jollity that day, and night approaching they went to bed together, but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a Marriage bed, but by a Dream or the strength of imagination. The next day their mirth increased, neither was their any diminution of it for one whole week. Having spent time enough in rejoicing, they now pretended to mind their business, the one for the house and the other abroad, who carried her business so craftily, that she was not in the least suspected to be any other than she seemed to be, for she was a Woman of an undaunted Spirit, and having a nimble Tongue, and quick Invention, she bade learned to bounce and Huff with any Bully-Ruffin in the Strand, Holburn, or Convent-garden, besides as a further qualification to that boisterous occupation she could Smoak, Drink, and Swear with any Dammee within twenty miles of London; but when she returned home and was amongst her neighbours she always wore the Vizor of temperance and sobriety, never Swearing, nor seldom Drinking more but what might be the Oil to cheerfulness and hilarity. Having gotten the good opinion of her Neighbours, she was now resolved to make use of their purses which she might easily do, by pretending she had a great deal of money due from the Navy Office, and which she had not received, but should speedily, and to confirm their belief shown them several counterfeit Tickets. This so wrought with some, that they lent her money, and though not every one much, yet many a little made a Mickle. Having enriched themselves with the spoils of others, and not daring to stay any longer in that place, they secretly removed, and took an House remote from the former to prevent discovery; in this House they intended to sell all sorts of Liquors for the entertainment of men, and Women, and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a Garb suitable to that profession which was very plain, and that she might possess the People with an Opinion that she was (as so dressed) an innocent harmless Cuckold she behaved herself so simply to her supposed Wife, that every one judged him what he seemed and thereupon made addresses to the young one at such convenient times as the old one went abroad on purpose, or was more than ordinary busy below; by this means they had a very great Trade, especially by that Venery which was Winked at as aforesaid; in this manner they continued a good while, and I have been credibly informed, that the Mother (and supposed Husband to her own Daughter) when she had a desire to the same satisfactions she had pimped for her Daughter, she would put on her own Female Habit, and sitting in the House as a customary Plyer, the Daughter frequently by way of a kind return did play the Bawd for the Mother so long, till they were apprehended for keeping a disorderly House, and being carried before a Justice upon Examination were found guilty of what was a ledged against them, and so were Committed to Bridewell, the Keeper viewing the Faces of them both very strictly imagined he had seen before, the Face of the Elder which personated the Man, but could not for the present tell where; at length he verily believed she had been formerly under his Jurisdiction, hereupon he seized her doublet and striping it open, found by her Breasts what he had suspected; the former Justice was informed hereof, who sent for them both to appear before him, upon further examination the▪ seeming man was found to be only a lusty Woman, and Mother to that young Woman she had married, likewise it was proved against the young Woman that she had frequently dressed herself in Man's Apparel to enjoy her Amours with the greater security abroad for which, they were both sent back again to Bridewell where they were severely lashed for their cheating Metamorphosis. A Cluster OF CHOICE NOVELS. IN June last 1674. coming by White Chappel-Church, which was all new built, but the Steeple that remaining still in its ancient homely habit, I perceived a person reading a Paper which was stuck against the new walls, being inquisitive I drew near, and found these following lines written thereon. A new Church, and an old Steeple. A dull Doctor, and a perverse people. It happened hereupon that the Gentleman and myself agreed to drink a glass of Wine together, where having descanted on these lines a while, and finding me much delighted with Novels that are pleasant, he made his introduction to the relation of some, by these which follow, which may be more properly called Jests than Stories. It was not long since that I was in Holbourn, where I saw two high-hat H●ssing Hector's (about three quarters drunk) justle a Gentleman who had never a Sword by his side, he ask them the meaning of that rudeness and incivility, they instantly drew upon him; it so chanced that the Gentleman at that time (he being much in Debt and ●earing an Arrest) had a b●ace of Pistols in his Pocket, which he drew, cocked and presented, at sight whereof one fled, and the other stayed no longer than to say, Da— me blood Sir, had you a Magazeen of Swords I would have stood the shock of them all, but Rot-me I will not encounter him that carries a File of Musqueteers in his pocket. Another. A Gentleman being very much in Debt, kept close within doors, and never stirred abroad, which made all the waitings of the Bailiffs for him ineffectual, several snares they laid for him, but he by his wariness shunned them all, till the goodness of his own nature to one, betrayed him to the cruelty of others in this manner. There was a Smith who lived opposite to this Gentleman's Window, through which, every morning very early, for the benefit of the fresh Air, he used to look out, which this Vulcanian Rascal took notice of; and being before bribed by some Officers for his Apprehension, he thought of a way how to betray this poor Gentleman into their Clutches. He went and told the Officers what he intended such a morning, and ordered them to be all ready, in some ambush very near him, for he questioned not but he had studied the means infallibly to draw the Gentleman out of doors. The Smith having bought him a rope over night, got up very early the next morning much about the time the Gentleman used to look out of his window, having got upon his Grindstone, he threw a Rope cross a Beam in his own shade, where he might be easily seen by the opposite gentleman, and having made it fast above, he put the noose about his neck, and then extending his hands to Heaven, with elevated Eyes, he pretended to say his Prayers, the gentleman seeing this, out of mere pity and commiseration, ran out with all the speed he could, the Bailiffs seeing that, ran out and surprised him, the Smith hearing a noise, endeavoured to turn about to see what was the matter, and in that motion, slipped from the grindstone and there hung; the Bailiffs being busied and overjoyed upon the seizing their Prisoner, never minded what became of the Smith, but going away with their Prisoner to secure him, left him hanging as the just reward of so foul a Treachery. Another Smith living in the Country, there was a nest of Hornets in the Thatch of his Ho●el, who had made their way quite through, and as he was at work on a long Curtain rod, red hot, an Hornet stung him, at first he minded it not very much, but presently after came another; and stung him in the face, this so enraged him that looking up and seeing them all busy in the thatch, cried are ye there ye Devils, i'll set fire in your Arces presently, hereupon he ran with the rod to the Forge, and heating it again, he ran it up at them, and withal running through the thatch set it a fire, and so revenging himself on his enemies, he half ruined himself by burning down his own Hovel. Another. A Certain person being very Rich, was likewise Ostentatious and very peevish, a Daughter he had was tolerably handsome, and was entirely beloved by a Country Gentleman, of no mean Estate, having gained the young gentlewoman's consent, he acquainted her Parents with the Love he bore their Daughter, who no sooner heard it, but were in a great Passion, their ambition judging him to mean a Fortune, and therefore not only refuling his offer, but verily uncivilly forbade him the House: saying, Moreover, that if it should be their misfortune, & his imaginary happiness to steal a Marriage and rob them of their Daughter, he would never give them a farthing. He obeyed their commands in that, but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his Mistress whatever came on't, Love soon found out a way to effect it, at which interview he told her what had passed between him, and her Parents, and the refusal of the Match proposed; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat, and wept bitterly, the other to comfort her, swore if she would be constant, he would never forsake her; and to show the reality and integrity of his Affection offered to Marry her immediately, she consented, and being Married with all convenient speed, they performed the rights of Hymen, and sent her home to her Father's House, desiring her not to take any Notice of what had passed, and since the time of their being together was so short the Old ones could not suspect any thing. A few days after this new married Gentleman got his (supposedly Maiden) Wife into his company and having repeated his former delights, he told her, he would go into the Country, giving her directions where to send to him, and that if she proved with Child, and that her Parents should discover it, as that they would quickly do, that then she should dissemble the greatest grief imaginable, and when pressed very much to discover the Father, she should then confess it was such a one, who had formerly made Love to her, but her Parents would not accept of the Motion; as for the rest said he, leave the whole management to me. Upon this they parted, and she proved with Child according to his expectation. The Mother perceiving the frequent Pewkings of her Daughter, with the swelling of her Belly, took her into a private place & there conjured her to tell her the naked Truth, whether she was not with Child? The Daughter with many sighs and tears confessed that she was, and that such a Gentleman living in the Country had done it: the Mother like a Woman distracted, first locked up her Daughter, and then ran to her Husband and calling him aside, told him of the shame and Infamy, that hath befallen his Family, and by whom; this unexpected news made him ten times madder than his Wife; but at length they both concluded that it was but a folly either to rave or rail at their Daughter, but to study some means to sauder up the crack of their Daughter's Honour. No better expedient was thought on, but to write to the Gentleman and acquaint him with what he had done, requiring satisfaction; this Letter was sent, and another returned by him in Answer thereunto; to this Effect, That it is true, he had lain with their Daughter, but he knew not whether he got her with Child, for she that can dispense with being a Whore to one, will be so to another. In short he concluded, that he had no more to say then this, That if she would be so impudent to lay the Child to him he must maintain it, but as for her part, he had nothing to say to her, for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure he had purchased of her. This return nettled them to the heart, and showed it their Daughter with all the Approbiums that can be uttered. The poor young Woman replied not a word, supplying her speech with nought but sighs and tears. The old people grieved at this, sent down a milder Letter, requesting the favour, that he would be pleased to come up to London for they had some business extraordinary with him, tending much to his advantage. He sent them word, that he had extraordinary business where he was, and that he neither could, or would stir from it. As the Belly swelled, so did their sorrow, fearing there was no remedying the cause thereof. Upon another consultation the Daughter told her Father, that before ever she consented he promised her Marriage; this made the old Gentleman caper, Nay, then said he we are well enough; immediately calling for Pen, Ink, and Paper he wrote another Letter, charging the Gentleman home with his Promise, sometimes threatening him, if he made it not good, and then sweetening him again, etc. beseeched him to make a journey up. This Gentleman (seeing it high time to condef●end to what he most desired) sent word by such a day he would (if in health) infallibly be in London, to no other end, then to understand his will and pleasure. The Gentleman is as good as his Word, a stately Dinner is provided with plenty of Wine, and the Cloth being taken away, the●e was no other discourse, than how to salve up their Daughter's Credit by a speedy Marriage, and as an encouragement they would give him a Thousand pounds: He slighted it, alleging further (with a Sir-reverence to the Company,) he would never sh— in his own Hat and then clap it on his Head; as they advanced he more and more slights their proposals; saying that an Estate of Two hundred a year deserves a greater Portion; at length they offered him two Thousand pounds, to be paid immediately, he accepts of it with this proviso, that upon the Birth of the Child their Daughter now goes with, there shall be paid more, Five hundred pounds: it is agreed to, and the Parents were so eager and solicitous in the preservation of the honour of their House, that they would needs have the Marriage consummated immediately, the Country Gentleman agreed thereunto, and presently sent away for the same Parson that Married them; who being desired by the Parents to join those two together in Matrimony, he smiled, and said, Sir, that is needless, for I have done it already; How said the Old Gentleman? It is very true replied the Son-in-Law, and for Confirmation, see here the Certificate before your Daughter was with Child; and so she is no Whore, but an honest Wife. Nay, then said the Old Gentleman I see I am Gulled, but since it is no worse, and that our Family is not defamed, I will make the odd Five hundred a Thousand pounds, and so God bless you together. Another. A Frenchman not long since took a Lodging near a Baker, who though poor, yet very rich, in having so handsome a Woman to his Wife, and was never blemished in her Reputation by any light deportment. This Frenchman presently had her in his eye, and courted her importunely, and expensively but to no purpose. Treats proving ineffectual, be offered her Fifty Guinney's if she would permit him to lie with her all night, she refused it, but privately told her Husband what Monsieur had offered her, and upon what account; the Baker scratched his head not knowing what to do Poverty persuaded on the one side, and love hindered on the other from accepting this proffer; at length said he, dearest, there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity, and yet we will have his Money, and that is thus, I will pretend to go out of Town such a day, then do you upon the condition aforesaid, promise Monsieur his satisfaction the night following, in the mean time, you know Tom— the Cobbler, a stout fellow, him will I engage with five pounds to assist me, we will have each of us a good broad Sword, and thus armed we will creep underneath your bed, and when the Frenchman hath paid you the Gold (which you must have first) and he is just going into bed we will crawl out and surprise him. It was generally agreed, and Monsieur had notice of the assignation, who though he understood that the husband was gone out of town, yet he feared an ambuscado, and therefore carried a brace of Pistols with him, besides a good Rapier. Entering the Room, he caressed her, a la mode de France, and being very fiery, he could suffer no delays, but giving her the Gold, ordered her to make what hast she could to bed, and he would follow after. In the first place he drew out his Pistols and laid them by him, and then undressed himself, seeing her in bed, he takes up his Sword and Pistols and advanceth towards her, she seeing him in that posture, asked him what he meant? noting Madom of harm, only me love to have all de Arms, me sord by me side, me Pis-stools in me haunds, and the Dagger before, when me go to take a Citadel or Fort, and laying down his Sword, by his bed side, he skipped into bed with his Pistols and laid them just over her head, not to lose time, he stormed the Fort, and took it, and notwithstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach was made in the assault, yet he boldy entered again and took possession. The poor Cuckold (and the Cobbler who lay underneath the Bed) could not but hear what was doing above, yet durst not stir for their lives, nay not so much as whisper, for fear of being heard, Monsieur having gone through stitch with his work, and tired to boot, leapt out of bed with his Pistols, and taking up his sword, went to the farther end of the room and dressed himself, having so done, he calls to his reaking Miss, bidding her to come to him, she excused herself, saying she was in a great sweat, and might catch her death thereby, but seeing Monsieur grow resolute she obeyed. Monsieur hereupon clapped a Pistol to her breast, saying, Begar Mrs. Bish-Fox, give me my Gold, begar if you will not— for love, begar you shall never have my money, and so taking the Guinny's from her, went courageously down the stairs to his Lodging. Monsieur being gone, out crawls the Cowardly Cobbler, and the Cuckoldly Coward, each blaming one another, and both the woman, what would you have me to do quoth she, since he lay a top of me, and what would you have us to do said they, since you both did lie a top of us, well husband all that I can say is, by this covetous stratagem of yours, you have made me a Whore, proved that mighty man your friend a rank Coward, and yourself an unpardonable Cuckold, Rhodomontadoes. I. I Swear——— Villain if I come to thee I will give thee such a blow with this battoon, it shall drive thee so far within the Earth, that there shall nothing remain of thee above it, but thy right hand to put off thy Hat when thou shalt see me pass that way. II. GO to my Cook, and tell him, it is my command that he spit me immediately a dozen and half of Demi-canon, larded with Pikes, Muskets, and Halberds, which I have taken from my enemies in pitched Battles, and let there be the Bandiliers of a Foot-company to hang about instead of Sausages; having done this, let him put over the Grid-Iron, and broil me three or four dozen of Carbines, with a score or two of pocket Pistols, fried with Brimstone, and Saltpetre sauce, and then come and sup with me, for this is the Food which I am accustomed to feed on. III. I Am King of No-land, the terror of the World, the flower of the Nobility of Rhodomontadoes, Furioso's, Superboso's, Rolands, and oliver's, beautified with infinite Graces, fair as an Angel, the heart and courage of Lucifer, a Servant to the mighty Queens of the Earth, a Friend to distressed Ladies, and the Sovereign Prince of the Anthropophagis or Man-Eaters. iv ONe day in battle I found out the Queen of the Amazons, she seeing me resolved that I should fall by no other hand than that of so great and mighty a Queen, and there upon razed her hand with her Sword therein, but I not willing to lose any time, struck her, at which she fell to the Earth; then taking her by the hair of the head, I threw her with such fury and force that he flew to the fi●th Heaven, and fell upon Mars as he was sporting with Venus. Venus' being greatly afraid, cried out for help, at whose cry the God's came running to her aid, but were much astonished when they saw Mars stretched out upon the place. Hereupon Jupiter thrust his head through the Casement, and saw me distributing wounds among my enemies with so much danger and fierceness that the fire which from every blow, resembled another Mont-Gibel or Aetna: Therefore Jupiter said to all his Brother gods that none of them should stir or make any further noise of what was done, since it might be supposed, that he which had killed Mars the god of War, was every whit as able to kill the rest of the gods which yet remained living. V When I speak, my voice penetrates the depths of Hell; wherever I appear, the World offers me a free subjection from East to West. It is well known, that where ever I am, my Bedstead is made of the Ribs of Giants, the Ticking of my Bed is filled with the Moustachoes of the Masters of the Camp to the Grand Turk, my Bolster with the Brains which I boxed out of the Heads of his Captains, my are made of the Hair of Amazons, my Coverlids are composed of Switzers-beards, my Curtains of the Hair of the Eyebrows and Eyelids of Hungarians and Germans, the Floor of my House instead of Brick is paved with Janazaries Teeth, my Tapestry are the skins of Arabians, and Sorcerers whom I unbarkt with the point of my Dagger, the Tiles which cover my House are the Nails of Monarches and Kings, whose bodies long since in despite of them, and those miserable Carcases they endeavoured to defend, with a kick of my Foot I tumbled into their Sepultures. VI SCorning to draw my Sword against a bravado English Captain, I gave him such a kick in the Breech, that he mounted into the Air and knocked his Head against the Sun with such great force, that he was the cause of its Eclipse for five days; immediately this Captain kneeled before Jupiter, praying me to pardon me all my offences, in recompense of the kindness I had done him, by that kick of the Arse I had given him, which sent him to Heaven among the Stars, since it lay in my power to send him as far (a contrary way) to Hell among the damned. VII. With one single hair of my Moustachoes which I did dart at thee, I will make so great a gap in my Body that the whole Infantry of Spain, and Cavalry of France shall be able to pass through without touching either the one side of thee or the other. VIII. With this most redoubted Sword, I Ruin, I set on fire, I put all into a Hame, triumphing over Armies, laying waste Cities, Castles, Towers, Walls, and invincible Fortresses. With my presence I make Jove hid himself, Mercury fly, Cupid tremble, Mars disguise and Transform himself, and though the silly Ram doth see me take the Tribute from his Darling Venus which I demand, yet durst not make one Butt at us. IX. WHere ever I am Death is continually with me, because he finds more profit from me, then if he were General of one hundred thousand Men to fight the Turk or Devil. He knows it well and therefore continually follows, and accompanies me in the Conquest of the Kingdoms of Grimanians, Dicenians, Dinamians, Alopitians, Pitanians and Espinomenians, so that to speak the Truth, without his company I should walk alone, because I find none like me, and none I like but him. X. AS the World is divided into four parts, three whereof Africa, Asia, and Europe, and the●e three are encompassed and environed by the Sea, so my heart is divided into three other parts, of a Nature, Affable, Terrible, and Cruel, and these three parts are surrounded not with Water, but with living Flames of scorching Fire. And as the fire is, so is (by reason of Love) my heart, by which means I am so enraged that with three blows of this my good chopping blade, the fore-stroke, backblow, and thrust, I could slay all Mankind, making Rivers of Blood longer than Ganges, broader than the ●●, and more terrible than the Cataracts of Nile. But the World I may be thankful I am in Love, for it is only for her sake that I suffer wretched Mortals to have a being. XI. I Have in me the nature of a Basalisks and something more; for if he with his looks can kill one, I when angry, with mine can destroy an hundred, for my Eyes are equally as fatal as a Chain-shot from a Demi-Canon. XII. IF that true valour which my Soul possesseth could be purchased by Money, all Traffic would cease by Sea and Land and no more talk of Merchants or their Commodities, for every one would then labour and employ their industry to the utmost, who should get the greatest share in me, one would aim at one of my Arms, another a Leg, one a Finger, a fourth a Nail, a fifth a Hair of my Eyelids, and this to no other end, then that he might become valiant. But I rejoice that this cannot be by any means effected because it is one of the greatest causes of the present repose and quiet of all those Kings, Monarches, and Princes, which are all my very good friends, and Kinsmen. XIII. SInce my Band, my old Whore Fortune, gave me some offence; so that I became more displeased with her then formerly, she was beloved by me, in so much, that if she performed not her Articles with me, I swore by Pluto's Horns, by the Beard of Mars, by Samsons Whiskers, and by Mahomet's Alcoran, that I will deprive her of her Prerogative of mutability and inconstancy, and as to her Body, with one shock I will dispatch her to Terra Incognita, her Limbs so shattered, that at the very instant of her arrival thither, she shall be reduced to powder, which shall be by some or other gathered and preserved for my use, that is, to throw as Dust or Sand on those Letters I send to my Mistress. XIV. I Have in two days more augmented the Stygian Kingdom of Pluto, and peopled with Subjects his black, dark, and smoky Realm, than ever did Rodomont, Rolant, Renaud, Mandrigard and Radamante, having made the hearts of more valiant and courageous men in a thousand, and a thousand places to tremble; let those which inhabit the East, West, North and Equinoctial Line be my Witnesses. XV. When I walk in the Streets of the City a thousand Ladies run to meet me; one takes me violently by the Cape of my Cloak, another gives me a wink, another beseecheth me to Sup with her, another makes me a Present, another kisseth my Hands, and blesseth that Mother that brought me into the World, adjuding herself the happiest of Women, may she have the opportunity of lying with me but one night, to no other end, then that she may have a Child of the Race, of so great and worthy a personage as myself. XVI. IF the force of my Members was distributed among faint hearted persons, and Seditious Spirits, the World would be put into a general revolt, and nothing would be seen therein but Battles, and Conquests; the Bells never heard, day nor night, but for the interment of some dead body, Surgeons would never stir out of their houses, but to heal the wounds of Swords, cut and thrust, and to reunite fractures, or bones broken. Divines would be continually employed in comforting Widows for the loss of their Husbands, Children for the loss of their Parents, and young Women in the Death of their Sweethearts. XVII. IF I come to thee, with my Foot I will kick thee so high into the Air, that hadst thou with thee ten Cartload of bread, thou shouldst be in greater fear of starving then falling. XVIII. I Had one day a quarrel with a French Gentleman, who defied me, saying, draw if thou darest, considering with myself that I am all courage, refused so to do, because the French being cold, and without choler, I might have given him five hundred Thrusts, and as many slashes, without killing him; but as for me who am wholly filled, and made up of Courage and Choler, with the least blow in the World, he might have sent me to the Devil. LIES, AND Improbabilities. 1. A Fellow swore that he had seen a Base-Viol as big as the Duke's Theatre; one demanding how it could possibly be played on? well enough (quoth the other) for he that owned it, made a two-handed Bow about a Furlong in length; and he and his Wife drew it on the Strings, while ten of his Children ran two and fro upon the Stops or Frets, observing with their feet as exact Time, as any could do with their fingers. 2. A Romanist swore he swallowed a Pin, and presently making a Cross upon his Leg, pulled it out there. 3. A Soldier swore desperately, that being in the Wars between the Russian and Polonian; there chanced to be a Parley between the two Generals where a River parted them, at that time it Froze so excessive, that the words were no sooner out of their mouths, but they were frozen, and could not be heard till eleven days after, that a Thaw came which dissolved them and made them audible to all. 4. One protested that on Salisbury plain, he started a Hare, and having a Horse under him that was very fleet; coursed her, and gave her for turns at least, at length his Horse growing weary and he vexed to the heart that he could not tyre her, threw his Hat at her; which lighting just before her, she ran into it, and turned over and over it so long, that he had time enough to alight from his Horse and take her up. 5. A notable arch Crack in Paris, got a bag of Ashes and carried them to a man whom he knew to be a great admirer of Relics, who asked him twenty pound a Peck for them, swearing, that they were the ashes of those coals which St. Laurence. 6. A Fellow swore that he ran a Greyhound Bitch great with Whelps at a Hare, who taking a Hedge and the Bitch making after her, she lighted on a Stake which rend her belly up, and that the whelps which were within her ran after the Hare and killed her. I loved (said he) this Bitch so well, that I made a pair of Buskins of her skin, which had the power to endue me with such swiftness; that if at any tiuse a Hare started in my way, I could not rest till I caught her. 7. A Keeper swore he shot a Buck's right foot and left ear at one shoot, and being asked how he could possibly do it, (he answered) that the Buck was lying and scratching his left ear with his right foot when he shot him. 8. Strada reports that a fellow lived in his time, whose Nose was so long, he could not hear himself Sneeses. His Conclusion. I never yet could meet that daring He, Durst whisper, any yet hath Conque'rd me. I've fought the Champions of the Earth all round, And either ssew, or made them quit their ground. From Pole to Pole, such mighty things I've done. That from all Hero's I their glory won. Yet still I must act more, that labouring Fame May reel, and tyre, nay sink to bear my Name. Where ere I go, my presence Conquest brings; My single hand, can sway the Fate of Kings. I've Ensigns snatched, oft from an Army's head, And at my feet laid prostrate Giants dead. Out Hectored Champions, and out foamed wild Boars, Out Blustered Billows, breaking on the shores; Out fought Briar●us with his hundred hands; Out walk the Tigers on the Arabian Sands; Out lightened Lightning, and out thundered Thunder. Out did great Mars in field, and out vied wonder; Astonished ages from these deeds shall learn, Which way I move, that way the world shall turn. If y'are with this not satisfied enough, I'll of my valour give you further proof. I by an Host surrounded was in field, Whose General cried fight not stout man, but yield. I daunted not, rushed in, and with one swing, Before my ●●et I laid his breathless King. At which a neighbouring Prince his quarrel took; From his broad shoulders his proud head I struck, So quick, the head after it fell, it cursed, The next advanced whose Fate was like the first: Him I beheaded so most vig'rously That with the force, his falling head killed three, Then being beset with an united power, With my long Sword next pass I thrust through four. With Carcases I made long-Lanes; and to be short, In four hours' space I made this bloody sport. Here scattered Swords, there woods of Lances stood Here heaps of bodies lay, there streams of blood. With open mouth, there lay a gasping head As if it thirsted for the blood it shed. Here a lopped head cut capers, as if'ft ' 'twood Have danced up to the Shoulders, where it stood. There lay dismemberd arms in their own gore, Which grasped, and stretched to reach the Swords they bore When I'd done all, and heaps on heaps compiled I fairly turned about myself, and smiled. How ill these mortals managed their command, Although all Hero's, nothing in my hand. Since none can kill me, I myself must doom, And call upon the gods to make me room. FINIS.