CONVERSION EXEMPLIFIED; In the Instance of a Gracious Gentlewoman Now in Glory.  
Wr●tten from her own mouth and Appointment, by her dearest Friend: And Published, in pursuance of her desires, for common benefit, but especially for her near Relations in the flesh.  
London, Printed in the Year, 1669.   

AN EPISTLE TO THE READER.  
READER,  
THe following History contains a Natrative of the Work of Conversion upon a Gentlewoman, why now enjoys the harvest of that seed time, in Glory. At the day of Judgement she will come again br●nging her sheaves with her, having (as you may here read) sown in tears. The unusual way of her translation out of the power of Satan into the Kingdom of Christ, impressed so deep upon her heart so oft as she reflected on it, as (though her conscience was sprinkled with the blood of the Covenant, yet) she could not quietly think on dying, till she had caused as much as (in so languishing an estate as she was in) she could call to mind, to be written down, that by the publishing of it, God might be glorified, and souls by her example receive some guidance, comfort and establishment. The greatest discouragement she herein met with, was from a secret stirring of vain ostentation, which she was so great an enemy to, as she sometime thought it were better not let these things be known, than to incline to seek her own name in them. But she then considered, that if a Christian should omit service, till he be perfectly free from sinful self-seeking, no duty should be done on this side Heaven. ●herefore she proceeded in her purpose, only desiring that her name should not be printed with it. It would fill a bigger book, than this (which she directed to be written) to give the Grace of Christ in her its full due: But my design is brevity; to which yet I am not under so strict an Obligation, as to make me wholly silent, while I have a duty to discharge to a Saint, whose Faith, though she be dead, speaketh so exceeding loud. Permit me then to write her Character truly, and shortly.  
In freedom from guile she was, as if she had been twin-sister to Nathaniel, and sole-daughter and heretrix to  Jacob. Love to Christ and his Members burnt so hot in her (in this frigid age wherein all seek their own) as it drank up her radical moisture in a degree to the shortening of her life. She did bear the suffering of enemies very uneasily, but the wants of friends and relations (especially if they were in Christ) mingled her pleasant things with gall and wormwood. Except in a very few instances, I never knew such a Wife, such a Child, such a Sister, such a Mother-in-law, such a Friend for reality and ardency of love. 'Tis prodigious to this lukewarm age to lose such a pattern in the prime of her days Such was herself denial, humility, and constant sense of sin, as seldom did any sound come from her lips, in which she did not complain of, and condemn herself: and in private it was her constant practice. Never such a sinner pardoned and saved, was her daily cry.  
In the description of natural and moral Excellencies, I have seen Volumes written of Subjects much inferior; I shall satisfy myself in saying only, That in her I have seen an end of those Perfections.  
The heart and bowels are of great use in Nature, being both architectonical paris, and the seat of affections. They were in her of so tender a composition, as the fall of her earthly tabernacle at them commenced; being deeply wounded at the calamities of Sufferers, who sometimes on one side, sometimes on another, this divided Kingdom hath exposed to that condition. Without repentance I am assured God will have an account of her blood of many instruments of cruelty, who little think they had any hand in it: sins of ignorance being in their nature no more venial than those against knowledge, though they are less heinous.  
Her eyes were wholly deprived of their beloved rest from Friday night till Tuesday afternoon, when death closed them, so far as those about her could discern. Much about two complete days and nights she wrestled under more immediate gripes of death: and it was, that what God had in so great plenty given her, might have its due exercise for his glory. It was indeed a time of sharp trial, but not the least prevailing against her faith and patience. Her saying was, My pain is great, but God is good still. He restrains Satan from troubling me in the least. I feel no ravishing joy, but I have settled peace in believing. I was wont to be troubled at the consideration of the putr●faction of my body in the grave, that it must be separated from the society of men, and be wrapped up in darkness, but I am now beyond all those things, and long to be at rest.  
In words to this purpose she oft expressed her mind. Once she said It is hard work to be under the Arrest of Death, as I am, with all my senses in their free exercise. She oft expressed fear of being held long under those pains; yet with child like submission, like that of Christ when he prayed, that the Cup might pass from him, which he was drinking. And they were both heard in the thing they fea●ed; for the Cup passed from Christ so soon as his prayer was ended: and her patience was protracted, till Death had set her free.  
On the Monday morning before she died, a worthy Friend of 
Mr. Caryl.  hers, and choice Minister of the Gospel, came to see her, and spoke to her of the Glory she was going into, and the way God had led her in unto it, and prayed with her. When he had taken his leave, she told me, she perceived he was sent of God to scatter some Clouds that were gathering about her, when he came in, but his gracious Words had chased away that darkness. During the seven years wherein I enjoyed her, she would very frequently issue forth in discourse of Eternity, and often would say, What shall I do when I come to launch into that Ocean? The frequent contemplation of it made it easy to her at last; for when her time came to change her station she did it with such cheerfulness that her dear Friends and Acquaintance seeing her, had their sorrow for parting with it balanced with Joy. So deep was the sense she had of the state of souls departed, in regard of the unchangeableness of their condition, as I have known her shed plenty of tears for some, whose lives gave little hopes, though she had no relation to them. None needed other attractive of her love, than to walk with God, and endeavour to rescue souls from Satan. She loved Children exceedingly, and could not bear their hard usage, and would frequently say, she hated the name of a Mother-in-law, and could not endure to think herself in that relation, because it was generally the occasion of so much cruelty and wrong. When she met with any poor child, whose countenance and habit declared his condition hard; Look on that poor child, said she, I fear it hath a Mother-in-law. She delighted much to talk with young ones, and was very assiduous to take occasion to open their damnable slate by nature to them, and the remedy provided, which she always did in ●o 〈◊〉 an affectionate manner, as I did judge her the best accomplished to speak to such hearers of any that ever I did hear preach. Nor let this part of her worth be looked upon with an undervaluing eye: For if (among other subjects) the Kingdom of Heaven consist of little ones, than those that sh●w them the way to it, will doubtless shine like Stars for ever and ever.  
I was much more benefited by her example in the praclick part of Christianity (and therein the true value and dignity of it consists) than I was able to requite in contributing to her knowledge in the Theory of it, of which benefit notwithstanding she made mention, frequently acknowledging Goa's mercy to her in it.  
If it be said by some (and I make no question it will be, or at least thought; for the sinful mind of man will suggest any thing, to secure itself from Conviction of being in a carnal, perishing, damnable state, all the time it is so) the Devil was once very strong in this Woman, he tempted her to great sins, and brought her almost to despair. I thank God Almighty, he never had so much power over me; I have ●ver been of good hope; if you call this Conversion, keep it to yourself, and much good may it do you: but God bless me, and every good body from such a Condition.  
To this I say in general, that I have not such store of words, as out of them I can pick and choose some to give this Objector his due, he being the spawn, and extract of folly and self-confidence. But that this which he contemns, is Conversion, is notoriously known to all the Children of Wisdom; and it is a state wherein every one that's not found before Death removes his habitation, will undoubtedly perish. I shall certainly meet with him who agrees not with me herein, at a place, where he will be of my mind.  
The Devil never was so strong with me, (saith he) as to lead me into such distress.  
And how make you that appear? you snore out the evidence of it in your Apoplectic fit: you are well because you feel not your sickness, and whole because, your wound throbs not. A dead man may so argue, you never knew the Devils terrifying rage: that's because you are under his reign. Prince's le●y not War against Subjects that pay them due allegiance; nor doth th● Master of the house muster up his powers so ●or gas none attempt to dispossess him. The Keeper of a prison is quiet while his Prisoners are so, but if he peeps in at a crevice, or by listening, perceives them tinkering with their Fetters, or making the least provision for an escape, he doubles his Guards, and increases their weight of Iron. Nay, to descend from Men to the behaviour of Beasts, ask Job and he will tell thee, Job 6. 5. that the wild Ass doth not bray when he hath grass enough, nor the Ox low over his fodder. Ignorance, in which thou art held, is a Chain long enough to take in the links of every lust. Yet criest thou, the Devil hath not such power over me. Know wretched man, that the reign of sin makes a man servant to it: and unknown, undiscovered lusts sit at most ease in their ●hrone, meeting with most undisturbed obedience from their subjects, as having no resistance, so much as from a natural Conscience (which is the sole Officer set up in a natural man to hinder him from all manner of extravagancy, and brutish madness. Therefore the blindness of such a Beast as thou art, leading thee to the Precipice of Hell, makes every seeing person tremble, as thou thyself dost when thou seest a man that hath no eyes walking about the brink of a Well, or Coalpit. Some without pumping pour out buckets of uncleaness, Blasphemies, and Execrations; wallow in the vomit of Drunkenness, and multiply Bribery, Injustice, Oppression, and all kind of Cruelty, and the burden of the Song must still be, [The Devil is not so strong in me.] Well may those think so then, who have escaped the pollutions of the world in such lusts. But what strength will these men allow the Devil to have in them, before they admit him to have any at all? whereas in truth the chain of an unsanctified estate secures the Devil's possession in all who are held in it. All the Prisoners in Newgate are not there for Treason, or Murder, yet they may be in for that, that will as certainly send them to Tyburn.  
But still you urge, What make you of us? We have peace, and you that call yourselves the People of God have no more: we worship God as well as you; and what would you have us do?  
It is true, you have peace; and the People of God have no more, it may be not so much. The fault I find is with the Nature of your Peace. Theirs and yours too, is a Peace that passeth all understanding, but in very different senses. For what peace to the wicked, saith my God?  
You worship God as well as they: not so well (Friend) though as much; for yours is superstitious, formal, fleshly Worship, tendered to a deity created in your own fancy: theirs the Oblations of spiritual instituted Worship to the God that made Heaven and Earth, and the wide Sea.  
Things standing thus, ask yourselves how it will far with you when you must exchange your well-adorned Galleries, for the dark and cloudy Walks of temporal and eternal Death: Your pleasant bathing Tubs for Rivers of burning P●tch; when those Veins and Arteries of your Bodies, wherein healthy blood, and lively spirits ride circuit, shall be filled with Fire and Brimstone; and this state to endure for ever. I fear ●hen you will find the Devil strong in you, and that a good condition, that you pray God to deliver you, and every good body from. Give me leave in the mean while to advance my Pr●yer against yours, that God would bring every lost Soul into the saving sense of its lostness: and that these darts might fall into your Consciences, and remain in the wound till they be drawn out by the hand of the Spirit, and healed by the Blood of the Cross. And let those read here the great Works of God (and be comforted, strengthened and established) whose eternal happiness (in the despised way of grace) is secured, assuring themselves, that he that hath begun a good work in them, will perfect it: in no wise casting them away that come to him, or failing to save to the utmost all that come to God by him. It is true, the gate is straight, and the way narrow that leadeth to Life, not so much in itself, but from blind sinful man, who chooses any of the broad ways that sin presents before it. The difficulties that this holy Woman found in it, she hath here declared, and directed to be made public, partly to bear her Testimony against those who think otherwise. She was careful that it might be in terms that should give no just offence, fearing to offend the Jew, or Greek, or Church of Christ, and endeavouring, so much as she could without sin, to comply with all, that she might gain some: to which end, though she wrote it not with her own hand (as being too infirm for such a work, yet having dictated it, she oft examned it, and caused some alterations te be made in it, after they were wrote: so that a Will wrote by a Lawyer or Ser. vener, is no less truly the Testators than this was hers.  
Before I end this Preface, give me leave to inform you into what familiarity she was groan with Death, some months before she met with it. It is called in Scripture, the King of Terrors, and notoriously known to have amazed the boldest Constitutions; yea, and those sometimes who have attained to good measures in grace. But God, to show his Sovereignty, bound this Leviathan for his Handmaid to play with, and made it her servant, insomuch as she called it her Father's man sent to fetch her from School: And upon a time, about two wonths before she died, sitting with her, she fell into this discourse with me: My dear (said she) I shall be in Heaven this Winter. I pray take care of this poor body of mine when I am dead; for Death cannot separate it from Christ; and therefore see that it be used comely. Let me beg you to close mine eyes yourself, and let not foolish passion keep you from rejoicing at my happiness in that hour. Let my chin be kept from falling, by pinning the ends of my pinner under it; and when it is stiff with cold, then leave them lose, but put on no muffler. When I am put in my Coffin, raise my head with a small pillow, and turn it to one side, that it may resemble sleep, and as little of ghastliness appear in it as may be. Were it your lot to departed before me, I would do the like for you and more; not out of hardness of heart, but entire love. As inconsiderable as this may seem, I know not why it should not be here recorded, as well as Joseph's charge to his Brethren concer●ing his bones in the Scripture, being an act of Faith as his was. Being not like ever to meet with such a subject whilst I live, I would willingly make this Entry larger; but mine heart so much affects mine eyes, that I cannot see to hold open the door any longer.   

CONVERSION Exemplified.  
MY Birth being in a Family which (according to the value put upon things o● that nature) is able to make as large a demonstration of Antiquity, from honourable Ancestors, as the generality of that rank of Persons can do; I had withal, the Blessing of that Education in it, which might free me from being a dishonour to it, being bred in the best and most ingenious ways, that that place, and the distraction of the times, by reason of civil Wars (which began in my Childhood, and continued till my grown Age) could afford.  
It was (to the best of my remembrance) about the tenth year of my age, when God (who is rich in mercy) began to declare a design upon me, locked up in the secret of his Counsels before the foundations of the World were laid, of bringing me to the knowledge of himself in the face of Jesus Christ; to whom though I was born an Enemy, and of whose Natures, Persons, Offices and Ordinances I was stupidly ignorant, yet by the work of his own Spirit, and ●ff●ctual teaching● of it, I became so well acquainted with those great Mysteres in the true substance of them, and that without the ordinary help of man's teaching (of which that place was wanting) as I was thereby in the infancy of my life enabled to receive the satisfaction of a Mediator, to the justification of my person, and the Spirit of the same Mediator for the sanctification of my nature, and that some years before I understood them in their distinct and proper terms. Upon this so choice and signal Love, I cannot think at any time seriously, without washing the ●eet of him with Tears, who loved me, and washed me in his own Blood: To him be Glory for ever.  
The method which the holy Ghost used in bringing me to God through Christ, was that which he observes in the ordinary exe●uti●● of his work, as I have since been informed by Teachers of the Gospel, and experienced Christians, with whom then I had not the like acquaintance; and it was first by convincing me of sin, and then of righteousness, the manner thu●. Satan mingled his temptation with a childish disposition of waggery in me, and stirred me up to hurt one of my Brothers in his sl●●p, out of no reason, but an inclination to do harm. God (who wants not means to break the Serpent's head) took occasion from hence to present me with the view of my nature, how vile it was, that it should be acting in me to provoke me to hurt an innocent Babe in his sleep, yea, a Brother, who was as dear to me as mine own life.  
A window being thus opened, plenty of Light shed itself in, whereby I was discovered to myself, and that discovery was attended with so much terror, and sense of eternal wrath from God, due to me, a guilty sinner, as the Bed I then lay upon afforded me no ease; from which I arose in the dark and silent night, to lam●n● myself and woeful state: It was a dreadful time, never to be forgotten of me.  
Satan finding himself under so unexpected a defeat, pursued his work to countermine the work of God thus begun in me: and in order thereunto bespread my troubled soul with plenty of fiery Darts. The first that he pressed me to, was Murder, and that of my near Relations; this by the assistance of God, I soon cast out, being convinced how impious, abominable and unnatural it was to destroy my best Friends. Then he urged me to make away myself as a Reprobate without hope: but this I looked atas more unnatural than the other. Nature (as polluted as it was) stood amazed, and ex●rcised great reluctancy against these b●oody Temptations.  
Nevertheless, perplexed I was in a dreadful measure, and knew not what to do: Gospel I was ignorant of, though I had read it often; for the veil was over my heart, and the Scriptures were to me a Book clasped up, having neither from Sermons or Conferences ever received help or light, whereby spiritually to understand them; without which they are but a dead and deadly letter.  
To communicate my condition to any, I judged it most unadvised; because I knew none that understood it. For, for those of my acquainiance who I did think knew most of the way to Heaven, I had always observed, that they counted wounds of conscience for sin, melancholy sits. And if the wound were deeper and more smarting than ordinary, than they esteemed them maddish upon whom it was, and that it befell them for being guilty of some soul secret sin, worse than themselves had ever committed. And I did fear if they knew my case, they would think no better on't. In which respect I was very careful to hid it from them.  
Being at this set, I turned aside from my black thoughts, and said to my heart, (as Solomon in another case) Goto, I will try thee with mirth. I sought diversion in merry company, and would thereby have abated the rage of my guilty conscience, as Cain sought to do by building of Cities.  
This remedy increased the disease, for it multiplied sin in me, and God thereupon multiplied my sorrows.  
The Way being by his Providence thus hedged up with thorns about me, I knew not how to get out. This path at length he discovered to me, that if I would ever be at peace I must get my sin pardoned, in regard that it was most evident that all my anguish and torment proceeded from the guilt of unpardoned sin. This I forthwith closed with, being under clear conviction of the truth of it. Then thought I, If I would have my sins pardoned, and get God to be my friend, I must serve him better than I have done yet. Here I fell most intently upon seeking Righteousness by the works of the Law. I read the Bible and the Practice of Piety, and such other Books as I could get, that treated of a godly and devout conversation. I set upon private P●ayer, and, as a help to it, g●t Prayer-books which I did use, having been so ignorantly educated as to know no better.  
From these written Prayers I cannot say I found not any help, but very little I am sure, they being too dull and lazy a way to quicken a poor soul that was gasping for life. When Children are very young they will swallow meat of the Nurses chewing, but when th●y are grown and have teeth, they use them, and loath that which is prepared by others. Thus it was with me in this case, having then no prejudice begotten in me against them, by conversing with those that were formerly called Puritan, Sectaries, Schismatics, and now called fanatics, of which sort of People I then knew not any, nor had read their Books. But I do discharge my conscience upon my dying-bed, in declaring my experience for the information of such as need it: praying earnestly, that the Testimony of a poor consumed dying creature, might prevail with those, to whom the knowledge hereof shall come, who think it worship enough to read over a Prayer certain times in a day, to distrust their condition before it is past cure. I have nor parts; and if I had, I would not here employ them to dispute the point of stinted forms of Prayer, invented by some for the use of others. Only this I did experience, that the immediate sighs, groans and longing desires of my heart, sometimes expressed without words, sometime in such words as occurred to my memory, were graciously answered, and consequently accepted of God; and consequently to that wrought by his Spirit, whose office is to be an Advocate in us, as Christ is for us, let the blind carnal world think and speak what they please to the contrary. My wants were such, as I found no printed Prayer that took notice of them: and whether those Form-makers ever knew them or no, I will not judge: but if the Form-users were as hard followed as I was, I believe they would cast away their crutches, and scramble forward with their own legs: I think their distress would not allow them time to look for a book. A Prisoner condemned at the Bar begs for his Life, without the help of a Petition written; and such was my case.  
But to return from this digression to the relation of the state I stood in at this time. It was, as I said a little before, a state of righteousness by personal obedience; for I was them of the works of the Law, as the Apostle's phrase is, Gal. 3. 10. I say, of the works of the Law, as of a trade in which I thought to earn eternal life, and consequently I was under the curse, because it is written, Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things written in the book of the Law, to do them.  
It is nothing I can boast of, and very little I can say, as to what I did in this case, to render myself wellpleasing to God, and acceptable in his fight: but what I could I did in works of piety and charity. I thought most reverently of all persons in whom I did diseern a strict and circumspect conversation, or would at any time speak of God or Holiness with any zeal or affection. My indignation being no less kindled against the contrary, especially those who were called the Clergy. What I then observed among some of that rank, was then, is still, and for ever will be the abhorrency of my soul, but to mention it I am ashamed. Unhappy Englant, who art greatly infested with this generation. For, if Salt hath lost its savour, wherewith shall it be seasoned? and if the blind lead the blind, both must fall into the ditch.  
I was for some years tossed in this Sea, where I found no calm, nor any bottom to cast anehor in; having the knowledge of sin, but not of grace. I judged myself the worst of sinners, and oft wished I had never been born: increasing my sin by that wish. Walking sometimes alone, when my fellows were in the pleasure of their childish sports, I thought them blessed in comparison of myself, as being not guilty of such sins as I was guilty of. By these steps did the work of deep humiliation and bitter mourning for sin proceed in me. And to that precipice was I brought, that though God put under his hand secretly, and did support me, yet in mine own thoughts I was oft at the brink of utter despair. The dreadful consideration of appearing before the Judgement Seat of Christ came into my mind.  
The first representation I had of him, was, that to him was committed the Judgement of the great Day, and that he would exercise that Authority to my Condemnation, unless I obtained mercy and favour from him. Now notwithstanding I had oft read the story of Christ's sufferings, and wept in reading it, being greatly affected with it, and had a very high reverence about the Sacrament of his Supper, being instituted to preserve the memorial of those sufferings: Yet now I perceive (and have done long) that those were but humane passions working upon an object of great sorrows, but no sanctified affections, moved through a due sense of the meritorious cause of Christ's passion, and consequently altogether without any saving knowledge of him. Let such as resemble me in that frame of heart, know, that they deal with Christ, as Heathens do with their idol gods.  
Now before I had this so near a discovery of Christ, all my care was to please God without his mediation: For I did think him at peace with me already, and that I had obtained his favour by my love to him, expressing itself in the manner before related.  
This I have since much observed to be the case of poor senseless souls, never effectually touched with the sense of sin; The title of a Christian and the common notion of Christ, quires and pleases them sufficiently, saying in effect, Let us go with thee and bear thy name, but we will eat our own bread. But God left me not to this pass, but caused the real Majesty and greatness of his Son so to b●eak out upon me, as to convince me that the same honour was due to him that was due to the Father; and that I must apply to him as the only Peacemaker and Mediator betweed God and my soul. At this time was the Scripture fulfilled in me, which saith, No man cometh to the Father but by the Son, and again, No man cometh to me, except the Father draw him.  
Satan, from whom before this time I had received no temptation concerning Christ, (like a Lion in a seeming sleep) roused himself with great sury and rage, that if possible he might keep me from believing, and closing with God in a Covenant of Grace. The first scruple he cast in, was, With what safety or prudence I could adventure my eternal happiness upon him, of whom so great a Question was in the world, whether he were the Son of God or no?  
To help myself against this, I read the History of him in the Evangelists, but could not do it peaceably, for the blasphemies injected by Satan into my thoughts concerning him: By this means, the old wound of my Conscience, not yet healed, began again to throb and bleed afresh: Fairn, which carnal people speak of as if they wore it in their Pockets, I found hard, to a degree of difficulty next impossible: My desires pressed vehemently after Faith, but found no adherence to or resting on Christ, which I could perceive or take comfort from: For while I read, meditated of, and sought to Jesus Christ, I could find nothing but unbelieving, undervaluing thoughts, partly arising from mine own heart, and partly cast in by Satan. At length, having spent many sad and weary hours in searching, I met with the Parable of the unjust Judge, recorded, Luke 18. 1, 2, 3, etc. under which Christ recommends to us importunity in prayer, from the example of him, who administered Justice to a poor Widow, to free himself from the troable he soresaw she would give him, though he feared not God, nor regarded Man. The Spirit of God set this so home upon me, as closing the book suddenly, I said within myself, Is it even so! then Lord I will never give thee rest, but my soul shall with thy gracious Assistance, follow hard after thee till I have found the thing I seek. Upon this I found some dawnings of Faith and Hope; yet was this twilight soon made dark by the advantage Satan took of my weakness, to recover in what degree he could his almost lost possession. To the best of my remembrance I was exercised in this manner, with various disquietments, for the space of three years; which while I revolved in my mind meditating on my condition, and walking alone, this Scripture was suggested to me, For a little moment have I bid my face from thee, but with everlasting kindness will I return to thee, saith the Lord. At the first view I knew it to be Scripture, but understood it not under the notion of a Gospel-promise, as being then unacquainted with that term But this was not more pertinent than seasonable; the Consolation issuing from it, being impressed very deep upon me, I fell to reason from it; What if God hides his face from me for a season, which I think long? admit all my days, yet, it is but a moment to Eternity; and the happiness of being received into favour at last, will swallow up all my grief in the interim, and that in a moment to be sure.  
The History of St. Paul's Conversion, was a great inducement to my Faith also at this time. In the strength of that, which I had by this means obtained, I resolved to go forward, waiting the good pleasure of the Lord for further manifestations.  
The next establishment I received, was, by reading the story of one cured by Christ of Blindness, John 9 In reading which Chapter, I observed the manner of the cure, and the consequence of it.  
I took notice of the behaviour of the hypocritical, rebellious, gainsaying Pharisees, towards him on whom the miracle was wrought, and of their opprobrious Blasphemies against him that wrought it. I found my heart cleaving to the man that was healed for owning Christ, and my hatred kindled against them, who upon this occasion, did reproach and vilify him. Yet withal, the old Tempter played his game, ucxing me with insinuations, that for aught I knew the Pharisees spoke true of him. being hereby put into an unquiet frame, I fate lamenting the hardness of my heart, and concluding I could not obtain Mercy at his hand, of whom I was apt to entertain such base thoughts: Hereupon, thorough weariness, and heaviness of spirit, I fell into a slumber, in which Christ seemed to appear to me, with his breast open, and Blood issuing out as Water from a Fountain, and uttered these words, viz, Come, drink freely, and be satisfied. Upon this invitation, I seemed to draw near to him, and to drink of his Blood abundantly, and with great pleasure; continuing still thirsting, and drinking, while I awoke from sleep, and found myself gasping for breath, and soul and body refreshed as with a rich Cordial: My soul was hereby greatly melted with love to Christ, for condescending to me in so great a straight, with so much tenderness and familiarity; and I did resolve to believe in him with the same earnestness with which in my dream I seemed to drink in his Blood. From that time I began to have the sense of his Love, and enjoyment of his Presence: yet not without opposition; for Satan instantly stepped in, and told me it was but a dream; and would I be so foolish as to bottom Soul-comfort upon dreams?  
I answered, That I would not contend about the nature of this dream, but sure I was, that when I was awakened out of it, God did enable me to believe more steadfastly than before; and this I looked upon as a sound argument of comfort.  
After this I continued with much more Peace, Light, and direction whence to fetch Peace of Conscience, than I had formerly been acquainted with, till the Forge of Hell had form another Weapon to break this Work in me: which was by persuading me, That the Scripture was not the Word of God, but merely of man's invention: and if so, it was but an imaginary Christ I believed in, and a feigned faith I took comfort from: Nay, and further, that if the Scr●p●●●s were not of God, nor Christ 〈◊〉 r●al Saviour, than was there no God 〈◊〉 all, and so all my labour lost in seeking him. Thus the Devil ●oucht his argument, making one thing very dependent on another. For certainly ●● there is a God, he hath revealed himself; and i● not in the Scriptures, no where To this assurance God hath now in gr●at mercy brought me: but in the infancy of my Conversion, it was not so with me. For so far was I left to the close pursuit of my spiritual Enemy, and sunk so low under his strong Assaults, as I seemed sometime to conclude, There was neither Heaven nor Hell, God nor Devil. Behold how pit●ous a Creature was I! who without God's special Assistance, should have been led to determine against mine own tried experience, in things more certain than tho● objects about which sense is conversant! For before this I had enjoyed the Presence of God, and some taste of his heavenly Comforts; and felt the power of Satan with some scorchings of hellish anguish. But remaining under this distress, doubting whether there was a God, yet thinking there was, and honouring those that walked conscionably, because I supposed they knew it, I pitched upon this; If there be a Devil, surely there is a God. Hereupon, though I were of a very timorous nature, I oft resorted into dark and lonesome places, hoping to see the Devil, as a means to convince me that there was a God.  
This is put down, to show the extremity of my Temptation, and folly of seeking that way of relief. While I was under this Trial, I perceived, that by it Satan endeavoured to bring me to a licentious course of life. For if no God, nor Devil, Heaven nor Hell, what need a man care what he speaks, thinks, or doth, further than to accomplish his lustsul designs, and satisfy the flesh? Let them consider whose works they do, and what their ways without Repentance will be, who muster up Arguments in Print, denying the Eternity of the punishment of Reprobates.  
But to proceed to speak of the straits I now lay under: In them I endeavoured to apply to God in Prayer; but such horrid Blasphemies upon that attempt were cast in, as I was greatly discouraged to think upon him, or draw near to him in any act of Worship. How sad a time this was, I appeal to those who have tasted of the like Cup: It brought me to this resolution, That if God, about whom I had such conflicts, had a Being (which, for all this, I could not wholly be beaten from the belief of) and would manifest his Favour to me in Christ, I was willing to be a Vassel to the most tyrannical Monarch that ever the earth did bear, all my days; or to be exposed to any other suffering which he should think fit to inflict. How unworthy am I then, who have received the accomplishment of that desire, and yet want that affection to God, and rejoicing in him, which I thought that Mercy he hath added thereunto, a plenteous possession of outward Comforts? I want a heart to hate myself for this, and words to signify the hatred I feel. How can I appear in the presence of God with this burden of ingratitude, if I were not brought in by my faithful High Priest? As to the means of getting free from this encounter, thus it was; Being brought, through long wrestling, to the very point of yielding, and giving all for lost, like a routed Army, or beaten man; ●resh strength was ministered to me from this Text, No temptation hath befallen you, but that which is common to man; but God is Faithful, who with the temptation, will give an issue that ye shall be able to bear it, This Scripture I met with, reading the Chapter wherein it is; and pausing upon it, I took special notice, that the opinion I had long nourished, was, that my case was peculiar, and none ever like me before. This I found to be untrue: For the Text in so many words, saith the contrary.  
Then, that as my case was none other than had befallen others, so God was faithful, and of his faithfulness would give me a good issue out of it in his due time. And I especially note it, as the first time that ever I did think it to be God's dealing, to leave sinners to the buffeting of Satan and his winnowings; and to the turbulence of their own spirits, as a means to convert them to himself, and sanctify and save them. This light I had by meditating upon the words, being without the benefit of Preachers, good Books, or experienced Christians.  
After these things, I continued waiting on God in the way of such duties as I understood, exercising myself in prayer, reading, and the works of my particular calling, but attained to little establishment in a way of abiding comfort, meeting still sometimes with one temptation, sometimes with another; some new, some old ones repeated, according to the multitude of Satan's subtleties, and the opportunities my corrupt heart, or iniquities of the time and place wherein I lived, ministered unto him.  
I remember not so well as to relate it distinctly, how long I continued in this condition, nor the manner of my release from it: By reason of which I must omit many considerable circumstances. But in general, after about two years added to the three years formerly mentioned, the Lord broke in upon me with a very plentiful discovery of himself, and enabled me to renew the actings of my saith upon him. I was immediately thereupon filled with joy and peace more than I can express: being throughly convinced that there is a God, the Scriptures were of his inspiring, and that Christ was the Saviour of believing repentant sinners. The Ordinances I enjoyed were my meat and drink, the Sabbath my delight. I speak not this, as if I had that measure of faith, joy and delight as I ought to have, or as many of the People of God (I suppose) have had, but I call it filling me with these graces comparatively to what I formerly had experienced. For in this whole Narrative I am very fearful to lie for the glory of God, by relating any work of his in me higher than it was; and withal would be very loath to diminish, detract from, or conceal any of the merciful dispensations of his love and grace towards me.  
Before I removed out of the Country where the Work which hath been the subject of what is here written past upon me. I conceive it useful to remember the deportment of some Relations to me, with the frame of my heart in reference thereto.  
For however I did endeavour to hid this great change from the eyes of all men, yet it had been as easy for me to suppress a perfume, by shutting it in the hollow of my hand. Grace as well as Sin hath the advantage of its kind, which is to discover itself. I could not but retire myself often to enjoy communion with God; In which retirement, when some observed me, they did commend me; others reproached me, and said, I grew bookish. One called me Hypocrite, and said, A young Saint would be an old Devil.  
Such words troubled me greatly all the while I was in doubt of mine own condition, as to my being in Christ: And the party that spoke them, was an eminent instrument in the hand of the Devil to distress and discompose me. But after I received from the Lord some tastes and evidences of his Love, those revile and hard speeches comforted me; for I esteemed it my Glory, to suffer shame for his Names sake.  
By this time, finding the place where I lived, in reference to Religion, without means of light, and (as the fruit of it) exceedingly sinful, and profane, men and women generally wallowing in brutish justs, I grew extreme weary of living in it ' and thereupon sought God in Prayer earnestly, to find a way of removing me, where I might have better example, better teaching, better helps and advantages, of perfe●cting what he had graciously begun in me, having had my soul often vexed, by hearing and seeing, as Lot's was. In this, after a short time, God answered me, inclining the hearts of my Parents to send me to London; and placed me for a while with some Friends in and near that City. This change of place, and newness of acquaintance, produced new temptations: For though the Seed of God abiding in me, kept in me some tenderness of spirit, yet many worldly diversions from my former and more constant fellowship with God, brought me into a very drowsy temper. I lived with Professors of Religion, but found not the power of Christian Principles acting in them, especially some of them, though from others I had help and encouragement: But some were so choked with worldly cares, and drowned in carnal groundless jealousies, as they became burdensome and uncomfortable to themselves, and those that conversed with them, especially if they had dependence on them, as I had. Nevertheless, he that bringeth Good out of Evil, and whose Covenant is, That all things shall work together for good to them that love Him, made use of that unacceptable quality, to awaken me and cause me to reflect upon my declinings.  
God is a jealous God, and will suffer no corrival or competitor in the hearts of his Children: Thereupon to chasten me, for suffering my soul to wander after, and cl●●ve to worldly delights and expectations, he left a Person of Quality, with whom I ●ived, under the dominion of an infirmity very natural to her, and very sinful (the G●d of M●rcy convince her of it, and reform her) groundless, Jeasousie: An apprehension possessed h●r o● reason of it, tha● I had an unworthy design upon her; and as untrue as it was, it put her, and she me, by reason of it, into a very great discomposure. This passage I should altogether om●t, if I could make the story of God's dealing with me in this case perfect without it; nor are such things to he slighted: For H●, without whose providence, a Sparrow falleth not to the ground, and by whom the hairs of our head are numbered, must be eyed and acknowledged in all his ways. The Children of Jacob, must learn of their Father to see the Face of God in a very Esau. Now being much burden daunder the Oppression of the foresaid f●ls● imagination, I had (according to my former course) recourse to God, who seasonably, and very effectually presented to my mind many passages of Scripture; by which I was in some measure recovered from my backsliding: for a better nam● I do not know it by: S●me of which were these, Rom. 8. 28. For w● know that all things work together for good to them that love God. Another was, Ps●l. 139. 13. S●arch me, O God, and know my b●ar●, try me, and know my thoughts, and see of there be any wicked way in me; and lead me in the Way everlasting. This I made use on, when the fear of an hypocritical state was upon me, occasionned by my late decays.  
Let this suffi●e briesly to point, at what they were, how they came, and what means God applied to recover me.  
After these things, (the whole life of one in Christ being a warfare) I met with many conflicts; and still the most constant one was about my Soul sta●c, whether in Christ, or not in Christ, reconciled to God by his Blood, or not reconciled? and thorough the remnant of Corruption, I am not altogether delivered from this temptation at this very time. I received much establishment at one time from Isa. 27. 5. Let him take hold of my strength, that he may make peace with me, and he shall make peace with me. At another time hearing this Scripture read, Psal. 25. 10. All the Paths of the Lord are Mercy and Truth to such as keep his Covenants, and his Testimonies: I was assisted to have very comfortable reflections upon it. By the Paths of the Lord, I understood his providential Disspensations, wherein he walks, as men do, in a path to an intended end, which is the accomplishment of his Glory, in bringing the Seed of Christ to Glory. Now, though the Paths are exceeding various: Sometimes God lifts his People up; sometimes he casts them down; sometimes he gives them victory over sin, Satan and themselves; sometimes he leaves them to be led captive, and then enlarges them out of that Bondage, for the most part, by Afflictions: One while he tries their Grace, and gives them the sense and comfort of it; another while he chastens Disobedience, and gives them the fruit of that in mortification: But let the Paths of God be never so many, and seem to lie never so cross (as road-ways over a Champion) yet are they all Mercy even to those that taste most Severity and Truth, yea, though they seem contrary to his Promise, to them that keep his Covenant and his Testimonies. So that in the way of obedience to his Testimonies, and cleaving to his Covenant, I was assured all his Paths to me would be Mercy and Truth.  
Isa. 3. 12. Go and proclaim these words towards the North, and say, Return thou back sliding Israel, saith the Lord, and I will not cause mine Anger to fall upon thee; For I am Merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep mine Anger for ever; only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the Lord thy God. Every thing in this Text comforted me. First, that God expressed his forwardness to receive wandering sinners, by sending forth a Proclamation to invite their return. Go and proclaim, saith he. Then, that this was directed to the worst sort of sinners, Backsliders. The Backslider seems to tell the World, that upon his particular experience, there is nothing worth enjoying in the Ways of God; and this is the worst reflection upon them than can be. None so bad as false friends. Traitors in a Court, the worst Traitors. Backsliding Israel notwithstanding is called upon to return. This I looked upon as an evil to which I was very prone, even to grow weary of the strict ways of God. I will not cause mine Anger to fall upon thee: And again, I am Merciful, and will not keep mine Anger for ever. I was convinced that I did deserve present wrath and eternal wrath, did not Mercy thus step in. The last thing is direction to a duty, wherein to expect the dispensation of mercy, acknowledge thine iniquity that thou hast transgressed, which requires not an empty heartless verbal Confession, but Confession with hatred of sin, Faith in the pardon of it; and endeavour to reform it. Psal. 103. 8, 9 The Lord is merciful and gracious, sl●w to anger, and plenteous in Mercy: He will not always chide, neither will he keep his Anger for ever. This place supported my Faith under the consideration of my merit, which was Wrath from God, whereto he declares himself slow; and also it ministered hope to me of deliverance from those corrective Effects of God's displeasure against sin in me, which he out of love laid upon me. Isa. 41. 10. Fear not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee, yea, I will help thee, yea, I will uphold thee with the right-hand of my Righteousness. This Text was applied to me, when I was beset with variety of troubles, some inward, some outward. Many from myself, respecting the state I stood in, and the years I had attained to: Some from my Relations in the flesh, whose troubles were many, and their outward condition clouded; and the spiritual estate of many of them, not such as I was satisfied in. But from this place, God, by the right-hand of his Righteousness (as he here calls it) reached out support to me: Fear not, be not dismayed. With both these did I at this time contend, not only fear, but dismaying, discourageing fear; for both the nature, and dress of things, as the image of them appeared to me, was very tremendious. Therefore God applied comfort to me in a term of relation; I am thy God; as in a gracious Promise of presence, I will be with thee; and unsolds what he means by being with me, viz. to help in every difficulty, and uphold under every burden.  
Isa. 26. 3. Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed upon thee, because he trusteth in thee. Ibid. 40. 31. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as Eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not be faint.  
John 3. 16. God so loved the World, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him, should not perish, but have everlasting Life. Isa. 43. 25. But I, even I am he that blott●th out thy transgression for mine own sake. Psal. 32. 8. I will instruct thee, and teach thee in the Way that thou shalt go, and guide thee with mine eye. Rom. 4. 5. To him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ●●god●y, his Faith ●s counted for Righteousness. These Scriptures eminently holding forth the most Est●utials in Christianity, were of very great use to me, not once or twice, but so oft as I had recourse to them, which was very frequent, being oft in trials, which made them seasonable; especially Psal. 32. 8. formerly wrote down, was a Scripture which I repaired to in all doubtful cases. I was taught from John 3. 16. that the Love of God was the Fountain of my happiness, being that, out of which Christ himself was given for me. Rom. 4. 5. instructed me, that a Righteousness laid hold on by Faith, justifie● without the least addition of works wrought by me, which of how great use soever (being indeed one end of that which Christ hath suffered and done for me, that I might be God's Workmanship in him created to good works) yet not material meritorious, no, or the least moving cause why my person should be accepted of God: In this respect I count them all lost, as Paul did his, Phil. 3. 8.  
The Prayer of Christ, recorded John 17. 20, 21, 22, 23, 24. afforded me so great Comfort, that I cannot be satisfied without leaving a particular account of it. The words are, Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also that shall believe in me thorough their Word, that they may be all one, as thou Father art in me and I in thee, that they also may be one in us, that the World may believe that thou hast sent me: And the Glory which thou gavest me, I have given them, that they may be one even as we are one. I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them as thou hast loved me.  
Father, I will that they also whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am, that they may behold my glory which thou hast given me: For thou lovedst me before the Foundation of the World. The Love of Christ, in these words set forth, did, and doth so drink up my spirit, as I am like one drunken with Wine, not able to speak of the sweetness of it. Well, to understand, and savour his Words in this Prayer, is (if I know any thing of such entertainment) to be led into his Banqueting-house, and Wine-cellar; of whose Love the Song of Solomon speaks.  
It being my lot to live in an age wherein Error abounded, I think fit to mention those Scriptures, which persuaded me from some of those Errors, of the most dangerous nature, as most evidently against the foundation of that Covenant, which God had confirmed to me. The one was the freedom of an unregenerate will to believe in Christ. Ephes. 2. 8. it is thus written, By Grace ye are saved thorough Faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God. Besides the experience I had of my natural inability to receive Christ by Faith, this Text tells me expressly, That men have it not from themselves, but that, it is the Gift of God.  
I have ●●a●d this to be a point of great controversy among the Learned; wherein, if the experience of a sinner burdened with guilt, may moderate, I doubt not but to have a determination to the sense I have given.  
Again, Jer. 31. 19 I read thus, After I was turned, I repent; and after I was instructed, I smote upon my thigh: I was ashamed, and even confounded, because I did bear the reproach of my youth. This place shows, that God's work upon us, goes before our works towards him: Man cannot turn till he is turned, or smite upon his thigh, before he his instructed. I therefore agree with those, who say that the carnal will is in bondage to sin, as well as the carnal mind, neither of them being subject to the Law of God, or can be: For I do conceive, that without supernatural instruction (which I take to be the same with spiritual Illumination, or an Anointing which teacheth all things) the will is altogether incapacitated to choose aright. Nor am I ashamed to acknowledge those whose labours God hath used to inform and edify me. Mr. Pemble upon Faith and Grace, was a book I took much pleasure in, as that which made things clear to me, which I formerly understood little of. I understood the better what was written by him, because I had experienced the truth of his Notions. So much for freedom of will.  
As to Perseverance, which is another truth much opposed, I have establishment in it from John 10. 28. And I give unto them eternal Life, and they shall never perish; neither shall any man pluck them our of my hand. My Father which gave them me, is greater than all, and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. This saying of our Lord, preserves me from being infected with that c●●nal, ●otte●, racking Opinion, that a true justified person may fall from that state, and that Chris● and Satan change members d●●●y.  
I proceed to the last stage of my travels, about which I intent any farther discourse, and that was Whitehall; for thither the hand of providence led me; and in a short time after I came thither, I met with a change of my condition, from single to married. The deal of God with me in this place and state, were too remarkable to be passed over in silence.  
New relations call for new duties; new duties require new graces, and are, as I said before, attended with new trials: for sin sticking close to the whole man, endeavours to promote itself by 〈…〉 currence in this world.  
The sorrows and bitterness that every enjoyment in this life is attended with, derives its Original from sin. And although the comforts I met with in Marriage, were many, and such as that state affords to few, in sundry particulars, yet I found vanity enough in it also, teaching me to say, Arise, and go hence, for this is not thy rest: Yet in all my straits, still he was near that helped me: and how bad soever my naughty heart behaved itself, yet he that for his own sake loveth, and saveth, did deliver me.  
God gave me to find favour in the eyes of the Governors, and chief Persons in that Court, and generally I did not observe any to be an enemy to me, as first, till some began to despise, and hate me partly for my Profession, and partly out of some little envy, which those places abound with. Now, for a persons of my years and interest, not to begin a building of worldly happiness upon such a foundation, is very unusual: For my part I am willing to take to myself the shame of confessing, that I fell into this share; only through Mercy it held me not long: the Lord soon showing me experimentally, that Men of high degree are a●ly●, and showing me good reason, why he commanded me to cease from them.  
To relate the particular Trials that here I met with, would argue my memory over tenacious of such things, and appear uncomely in other respects. The miscarriages of Professors in this age, is too notorious, and God hath made their sufferings as visible.  
To set forth God's deal with me in those times, is that which I am carrying on. I remember that my approach to Marriage was with great perturbation of mind: for though my affections were deeply engaged ●● him that God provided for me, and have from thence to this day grown up, and that upon such principles, as will endure when my relation to him, as a wife, shall cease: yet worldly cares did present themselves to me in great multitudes; the Devil providing instruments to help that business of his forward; who frequently told me how unhappy I should be, if such things and such things fell out: I dare say the parties sought my good in it Peter did his Masters, when he prayed him to spare himself: yet was their discourse to me as Peter's was, tempting to sin. It would be very unhandsome, to enter into the particulars of the things: but in the toss and heat of them all, my heart was up to God for a word of support, who gave it me in the words spoken to Joshua, Chap. 1. vers. 5. repeared by the Apostle, Heb. 13. 5. I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Upon my first reflections on this text, I knew not what to make of it, nor understood that it was to my case: but a while after, being in company with a very eminent Divine (upon what occasion I know not now) he sell into discourse upon that Scripture, and said, That it was evident from the foregoing verse, that that Promise was by the Apostle mainly intended to arm people against those worldly cares, that attend a married life. His words brought me to remembrance, how it had been by the immediate Voice of God, whispered to me when I was exercised with those kind of distractions, and I was surprised with such sudden comfort from it, that (though I said nothing, my very looks discovered it to the party) who enquiring of me, found the relation of it, which now I make. At another time, being under the fear of many dangers, which I foresaw I was like to meet with, I was relieved by reading If. 48. 17. Thus saith the Lord, thy Redeemer, the holy One of Israel, I am the Lord thy God, which teachet● thee to profit; which leadeth thee by the way which thou shouldst go.  
Hence God confirmed me in the belief of his continued care over me in my wilderness walk, and removed in some measure my tormenting fears. At another time, having fallen under some afflicting providence, but what it was I have forgotten, God directed me to look into the cause of it from Isa. 48. 18. O that thou hadst harkened to my Commandments, than had thy peace been as a River, and thy righteousness as the Waves of the Sea. This place was applied by me, as a reproof for my carnal conversation, and that not improperly; for I believe God taught me so to apply it; though I conceive withal, that it was originally uttered as an Expostulation with those who pervert Gospel-Light and Gospel-Duties, turning them into a covenant of works, as the Jews than did, and as many nominal Christians now do; thereby forsaking a Spring of living Water, for a cracked vessel, or dirty puddle.  
At another time I was seriously poring upon myself, and turning my thoughts upon the frame of my heart, I observed such emptiness of Grace, such fullness of Sin, fainting in my spirit, I said within myself, How can God take the least pleasure in so wretched a Creature? Then was the saying of David, 2 Sam. 23. 5. brought to remembrance: Although my house be not so with God, yet hath he made with me an everlasting Covenant, ordered in all things, and sure. Hence I collected, that if David's happiness, of whom God gives so high a Testimony, depended on an everlasting well ordered Covenant, as the only basis of it, it became me to lodge mine there also, what ever my personal qualifications were.  
The station in which I stood, had at another time occasioned a long slumber to me, wherein I had not my former sense of the working of Grace, nor fellowship with Christ: The vexation that it gave me, kept me from total stupidity, but it continued longer than such ●●ts used to do; for I found not that genuine frame of mind, which I had formerly to God and his ways: Then was I wonderfully broken in upon, from Isa. 54. 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. especially that which settled me as upon a Mountain, was the tenth verse, where it is said, For the Mountains shall departed, and the Hills be removed; but my kindness shall not departed from thee, neither shall the Covenant of my Peace be removed, saith the Lord that ●ath mercy upon thee. This was so remarkable a passage, as I went to seek a place to pour out tears of joy, issuing from a heart melted with love. If ever I experienced true contrition, and a heart of stone turned into a heart of flesh, it was at this time.  
I was at another time, much affected from the consideration of God's familiar dealing with sinning man, in those intimate expressions of love, and alluring invitations, by which he seeks to draw men after him, expressed under such taking objects, Prov. 8. 17, 18. 19, 20, 21. I love them that love me; and those that seek me early, shall find me. Riches and Honour are with me, yea, durable Riches and Righteousness. My fruit is better than Gold, yea, than much fine Gold; and my revenue, than choice Silver. I lead in the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of judgement; that I may cause those that love me, to inherit substance; and I will fill their treasures.  
In a time of darkness and perplexity of heart, by reason of it, I was insulted over by Satan, as if he had obtained now a conquest over me: Then did the Spirit of God suggest these words unto me, Micah 7. 8. Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy! though I fall, I shall rise again; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.  
Many other comforts, at sundry times, from several Scriptures, were given in, fitted to the temptation that I was at such times under, which I have sinfully forgotten, the Lord pardon me in much mercy: Some I can give the better account of, because I wrote them in a Paper-book, which I have now by me; as 1 John 8. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. Here, pardon of sin is annexed to confession of sin: and it is a very comfortable place, when rightly understood, & made use of; for it implies the knowledge of a ransom for sin, and Faith in a redeemer; for by the tenure of the Law, sin is vupardonable: Cursed (saith it) is every one that continueth not in all things written in the book of the Law, to do them. Hence no sorrow for sin, turning from sin, crying for pardon of sin, can obtain it without the Mediation of him, who hath made his soul an offering for sin. But the common use that people make if it, who confess sin formally, and resolve to practise it subs●●t●ally is an abhorrence to God, and all that have the Image of God stamped on them: We have done those things, say they, which we ought not to have done; and we have left ●nd●ne those things, which we ought to have done; and mi●ht add [we resolve so to do still] else what means their returning from the solemnity of their Devotions, to Swearing, Drunkenness, Whoredom, and all abominations that lie in the way of their lustful hearts. It hath troubled me sorely, to hear carnal people make the way to Heaven so broad and easy in their discourse, point-blank against what Christ said of it: and it is a concluding argument they know it not. That God is merciful, and Christ died ●or sinners, are precious truths, and of concernment to fallen man, none greater: Yet do multitudes encourage themselves from them to live in sin, and thereupon perish, for one who obtains Salvation by them.  
I have been often quickened to duty from Heb. 6. 12. Be not slothful, but followers of th●s, who through Faith and Patience inherit the Promises. I found Faith and Patience of absolute necessity in all obedience, whethet active or passive: Nor may I omit the encouragement to obedience laid down, vers. 17. and 18. of that Chapter, wherein God is willing more abundantly, to show unto the heirs of the Promise, the immutability of his Counsels, confirmed it by an Oath, that by two immutable things, in which it is not possible for God to lie, they might have strong consolation, who are fled for refuge to the hope set before them. Where I further noee a distinguishing character of a sound Believer; he is said here to fly for refuge to the hope set before him: For I do not think, that in time of sore distress under the burden of sin, any but such as in whom Christ dwells, can fly to him for refuge; though they may have other great accomplishments, such as to be enlightened to taste the Heavenly Gift, to be partakers of the holy Ghost, and taste the good Word of God, and the Powers of the World to come; as is said of some, vers. 4. 5. The words also Heb. 7. 25. have been of standing support to me: He is able to save them to the uttermost, that come to God through Him, seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them. And thus much of the m●●remarkable things which besel me before the beginning of my long sickness.  
About the beginning of April, in the year 58. I was taken with a violent cold, which was exceeding common at that time; since when I cannot say, that I have had one healthy day, as before, but distempers have increased upon me, with very troublesome Effects and Symptoms. Under this visitation, I have had great experience of God's gracious dealing with me in my weakness: I had recourse to the words of the Prophet, Jer. 9 23, 24. Thus saith the Lord, Let not the strong man glory in his strength, etc. But let him that glorieth, glory in this, that he understandeth, and knoweth me, that I am the Lord, who exercise Lovingkindness, Judgement and Righteousness in the Earth. Also the saying of the Apostle, Jam. 1. 12. was of great use to me: Blessed is the man that endureth temptation; for when he is tried, he shall receive the Crown of Life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.  
While these things passed on, finding in myself many signs of approaching mortality, I was very conversant in the more serious thoughts of Eternity; and I o●t was thinking with myself, Oh that I had a crevice, in at which to look, that I might see the state of souls departed. Satan (who loses no opportunity) took the hint of these thoughts, because I did sometime utter them, and interposed this suggestion, That there was no such enjoyment of God after death, as men talked on; and to make it good, instanced in those who were raised from the dead, as Lazarus, Do●cas, and those that arose at the Resurrection of Christ, and went into the City, and appeared to many; none of all which made any report of what they had seen; which no doubt they would have done, if they had been partakers of such happiness as some speak of. My curiosity in this, God reproved in the words spoken to Job, Chap. 38. 17. Have the gates of death been opened unto thee? or, hast thou seen the doors of the shadow of death? As if he should say, The things thou enquirest after, are secrets, not to be pried into.  
In the beginning of that Chapter, I also read, how God argued Job, and in him me, into a conviction of what a poor worm man is, as being unable to search into, or give an account of his wonders, wrought without number: And for my confirmation, in the belief of the happiness of Saints departed, presented to me, John 14. 1. Let not your hearts be troubled, ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's House are many Mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you: I go to prepare a place for you; and if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to myself, that where I am, there ye may be also.  
This instructed me, and hinted to me my atheism, and unbelief, as the proper root of such thoughts as I had been tampering with; it thereupon humbled me, and drew me nearer to Christ.  
One thing I may not here omit, being a very considerable note for practical direction. Upon a certain day, about this time, the Lords Supper was to he c●lehrated by the Church ● Wesi●in●●er, into the fellowship of which, I had through great mercy obtained admission. In the morning before I went, I had a great indisposedness to go, and would ●●ve been glad of any slight hindrance, yet (〈◊〉 up by configuring Heb. 10. 25. Forsake, ●●● the assembling of yourselves ●●●●ther, as the manner of some is) I went; when I came the●e, Mr. Roe (the Pastor of that Church) was carrying on a discourse, the subject of which was, Sanctified Affections; in the prosecution of which, before and after that day, he spent much time: That which he spoke then, was by the presence of God, much set upon my heart, notwithstanding the dead frame I came thither in. Sermon being ended, I went to the place where the Church met to break Bread, that I might likewise partake of that Institution: There God met me with greater enlargement of heart, in the sense of his rich Grace set forth in that Ordinance, than to my remembrance I ever had before or since: It put me into a deep mourning over a sinful heart, and made me press after a more clear manifestation, of my being at peace with him, by a holy conversation: To this God gave in a promise containing both, Micah. 7. 19 He will subdue our iniquities, and thou wilt cast all our sins into the depth of the Sea. To bury sin in the satisfaction made for it, and to subdue it, in respect of the reign of it, are the highest attainments on this side Heaven, where the remains of it will in like manner be removed.  
That perfection which some pretend unto, is to common observation an imaginary dream: For while their Conversations are compared to that rule, the least transgrestion whereof is sin; their imperfections are so far from being concealed, as indeed they appear to be worse spots, than the spots of God's Children.  
These being the most remarkable things which I remember did attend my being at Whitehal, I think it my duty to say something of the mind I brought thither, and the change wrought in it there.  
My birth and education was from those who had dependence upon the Court of the late King, whose interest was so much woven into his, that in the late miserable Wars they did adhere to him, to the great reducement of their Families, of which I being one, had a deep share of suffering, and was accordingly embittered against the instruments of it. I came not only out of the Country with this mind, but I brought it into his Family who had been a chief instrument of those great Changes; against whose person (partly upon the former reason, but principally from the stories I had heard of him) I had sufficient prejudice. Now, that I may right him for the wrong I have done him in my thoughts (and it may be in my words too, sometimes) I cannot so comfortably leave the world without declaring what I found from him; wherein, if I could sufficiently demonstrate how little I am byassed by carnal worldly motives, that which I say, would gain the greater acceptance: That many of his, ●ctions had, that either for the matter of them, opr manner in which, or end to which they were done, as to provoke God to pour contempt and suffering upon him and his in the view of the world since his death, and that most justly (for God doth nothing unjustly) is most evidert: teaching us to tremble before him always; For even our God is a consuming fire. Yet notwithstanding, I should bury the truth in unrighteousness, did I not from many observations, declare that he was (in my opinion) a man of greater Faith and Holiness, than is almost to be found among the sons of men: One, who had the clear understanding of Gospel-truth, and lived in the power of it (the times of his surprisal in strong temptation excepted,) One to whom Christ was dear, and every thing that seemed to have any thing of Christ stamped on it, without distinctions of this or that Sect. Whence I have heard knowing men say (and I believe truly) That he was apt to indulge pretenders to Holiness, to the apparent hurt of his outward interest, as fearful to beat down any thing which God would have stand: And hath been heard to say, That there were few Sects among Christians, in which something of God was not to be found, which must not be destroyed. How some of them did requite him, I doubt not but they have had leisure since to consider, or will have.  
And as to the Cause which he was so great a pa●●on of, it was Public Reformation; which when the means to effect it, is vindicated from those just scandals which Professors of Religion have brought upon it, I doubt no more of the resurrection of it, than of mine own at the last day: And when wicked men have finished their transgressions, and filled their measures, they, shall receive the reward of them. God will judge me very shortly as to what I say herein; and hath judged some already, of whom I speak; and will judge the rest before another Age be past, and that will not be long: to Him therefore, and his righteous Judgement, I leave it.  
That which I intent to conclude withal, as to my living, at Whitehol, is, the change of my practice in Church-matters.  
The form I was bred under, was Episcopal; against which I had none other mind, than all persons have against that wherein they are educated; and of the contrary to which they understand nothing. That Society I couversed with at my first coming to London, was, Presbyterians. That which I closed with after I came to Westminster, was Congregational; or Independent; for so they have of late been distinguished. The sr●●l mind of man being through ignorance mutable, it is no easy thing to attain to stability, nor can it be till Truth fixes it. I think those fall under the deserved character of wavering minded men, who go forward in the ways of truth, and then return back again, that retreat is dishonourable: For it was not Paul's error, to change his practice upon Conversion; though I have heard that the Turks charge him with a crime in it; and to be sure the Jews did: But with the bewitched Galatians to begin in the spirit, and to seek perfection by the works of the Law, is dangerous Apostasy.  
To pass from Episcopacy to Presbytery, thence to Independency, and then (for outward advantage) to return back again, (yea, though they went but the first step) will certainly merit no better name, than Time-serving. But not to be too ready in condemning others; that which I have to do, is, to assign the reason of mine own practice: It is little of the spirit of discerning I pretend to; yet, if I have any of the Spirit of Christ, and hope of eternal Happiness, I must not quit all claim to it: From that little of it which I have, I do profess, I have been acquainted with very Holy Men of all the forenamed different Persuasions, and have not been a little scandalised at the behaviour of some of them towards their dissenting Brethren; who have little practised that Gospel Grace, Forbearance, as clearly commanded in the Word as any other duty. It is no new or strange thing, that there should be found the effects of enmity between the Seed of the Woman, and the seed of the Serpent: But that Christ should be divided, is neither lawful, comfortable nor comely.  
And now to the reason why I sat down with Independants in spiritual Communion, it was, Because I found them agreeing with the other two in all fundamental Doctrines belonging to Salvation: and (at least as I think) exercising the power of those principles more in practice.  
I observed, that in their Doctrine they separated betwixt the precious and the vile, betwixt regenerate and unregenerate, by the same rules and notes of distinction.  
Even some Episcopal men did so, as Usher and Reynolds, with some few more; and the Presbyterians generally went that way: but then in practice they call them holy, whom in Doctrine they pronounce Profane, admitting them to those Gospel-institutions, which are the peculiar privileges of the Saints.  
And to justify what they do, they fetch precedents from Corinth, and other Churches in the Apostles times; nay, they travel further, even to the old Church of the Jews, to show how corrupt a Church may be, and yet retain the essence of a Church; when such a simple woman as I, am apt to think, their time would be better spent in purging out the old leaven, that the body might be a new lump, 1 Cor. 5. 7.  
This at an adventure made me cleave to them, in whom I sourd most of that spirit, which from the beginning of my Conversion, had acted and comforted me.  
And let it suffice, that I can say no more for myself herein, because I am not able to try hard Arguments, or untie knotty Controversies; plenty of which I am told the differences betwixt them have afforded. Nay, I must confess, I yet understand not what those things are, that give them their different denominations, though I have heard it in debates often; so little impression did it leave upon me.  
This only I find, that Episcopecy (in its last restitution) come● attended with such profaneness, as the very fight of it hath made me rejoice in the hopes of being delivered by death, from beholding those judgements which I fear will fall upon so●● of my dearest relations, for being too near those things.  
And now upon the sad consideration of what is herein written, Oh! you my unregenerate unacquaintance (and such of my relations as are in that condition) let me address some Questions.  
Tell me honestly, what think you of this story?  
The Narrative I have made of God's dealing with me, I solemnly profess to be in every tittle true, but not by much all that which might have been said; I have caused it to be written, in that which I account my last sickness, with none other intent, but to give God the glory of his dealing with me, and bring you to happiness the like way.  
Now, can you think that this great work was from Satan?  
It is true, Satan tempted and troubled me in my childhood, but I was brought to Christ by it.  
Did Satan intent that, think you?  
And hath Christ in requital of Satan's kindness therein, returned me back as a present to him?  
Judge, I pray you, in your most retired thoughts; for I appeal to your Consciences from your wild discourses; wherein out of your natural enmity to Conversion, you call it Frenzy, and to a holy conversation, which gains no better title from you than Phanatism, or (which is worse) Sedition and Rebellion; and ●he words wherein it is held out, Canting.  
I was known to you from my youth, and I appeal to that knowledge yet, without vain glory; was not my whole carriage as free from offence, as the generality of youth is, if not more free and gaining?  
How comes it then that sin should be made thus burdensome to me, when you seem to bear it so lightly?  
My Soul hath oft mourned for you in secret, God knows; and I was encouraged thereto, because, for some God heard me, and delivered them out of their desperate state.  
Original sin hath dreadfully desaced the Principles of Truth, and darkened the Beams of Light, that once were in man's heart; yet not so totally, but that I dare appeal to the remnants of them in you, whether you do not think this that hath been said, is the work of God, bringing home a lost creature, and leading a blind sinner in the straight way to Life, to which yourselves are strangers? for to such I speak, knowing assuredly that the generation of the Just, do echo to all that I have said● And that I was raised from the dead by that Power which Christ himself was raised, Ephes. 1. 19, 20. and am kept by no less Power to this very day.  
And if so, then, as Daniel said to Nabuchadnezzar, Let my counsel accepted of you; Break off your sins by Repentance; your unbelief by Faith; your superstition ignorance and profaneness, by Purity, Integrity, and a sound understanding of the Ways of God, in his Worship.  
You little think how o●t I have sought God for you herein; wherein, if I obtain answer, I shall at length meet yo● as coheirs of the Rest purchased by Christ: However the election of God shall stand, and he knoweth who are his.  
And let what I have herein declared, remain upon record, as a witness of what God hath done for some, and particularly for me, against those who in despite of all kinds of teaching, whether by word or example, do violently pursue their lusts, to their eternal and most just destruction.  
FINIS.