THE Coney-catching Bride.  
Who after she was privately married in a Conventicle or Chamber, according to the new Fashion of Marriage: She saved herself very handsomely from being Coney-caught, cozened her old Father, her Bridegroom Mr. TOBY, and caused a general laughter amongst all the GUESTS thither invited.  
This Wedding, or rather Mock-Marriage was kept privately in London, and is now published to the view of the World for Mirth-sake.  
Together with A SERMON, Preached by a pragmatical Cobbler, at the aforesaid Wedding, comparing the Duties of Marriage to the Utensils of his Trade.  
Printed at London by T. F. 1643.   

  

THE CONEY-CATCHING BRIDE:  
NOw in the Spring, when every Bird makes choice of their Mate, and (imitably to their example) young folks desire to be coupling together, and to place their affections in a fair proportion of Harmony, even as fancy doth direct them. A young Maid, that had a round Portion, and a Father that loved round Money; fell in love with a brisk Blade, a lusty Cavaelier; but kept her desires secret and unknown to her Father; who (for some by respects, as Parents use to be too often sticklers in their children's affections) persuaded her, nay charged her on his Blessing that she would turn the stream of her affection to a match of his providing, and consent to marry a Young man, a holy Brother, hoping thereby to make his Daughter a Zealot, and become inspired with his spiritual Edification. She was indeed very unwilling to displease her Father, who had sternly resolved, that if she but made the least sign of refusal to yoke herself in Matrimony with this prick-eared youth, she should have (for him) no other Portion but the mere cipher of Nature, which from the time of her Birth she constantly bore about her: wherefore to give him content, she made a fair formal show of obedience and willingness to conform herself to his deliberate motion, and submit to the embraces of this religious young man, yielding her Virgin Flower to be cropped by his rude hand. Whereupon (after some ceremonious compliments of wooing, according as the Spirit moved him, he had won her to a simpering consent of love towards him, to please her Father's mind; and (in all passages thereof) counterfeited her part▪ exceeding well, looked on him with smiling eyes, framed herself to several fond gestures, and dissembled her thoughts indeed so cunningly, as made her Father believe and this Young Toby, that her heart was only his, showing, with bashfulness, such outward expressions of a seeming passion, as willing Maids use to those whom they they most endearedly affect. So that now the Old man's great joys, and the Young man's conceited happiness, was grown so high, that without further delay, a day was designed to link this young Couple together in the true Gordian knot of Matrimony; not in the Old way of Ceremonious Marriage, but according to the new Fashion. So divers friends of both Parties were invited by the Old man's direction, to see them effectually conjoined; who being assembled together in a private Chamber, the Old Father (to balk all circumstance) took his Daughter by the hand, gave her freely to the young holy Brother, saying, Increase and multiply honest TOBY, I give you here my Daughter and six hundred pound, which shall be paid you after dinner all in good Angels and other gold, love her as your yoke fellow, as your zeal shall inform you, and so God give you joy and felicity many years together. This new fashined Marriage thus consummated, a pragmatical Cobbler there present, uttered a Sermon Extempore, concerning the Duties of Marriage, comparing them to the several utensils of his own occupation, as followeth.  
The Cobbler's SERMON Extemporie.  
Brothers, and beloved Friends here assembled, not to stand nicely upon the choice of any Text, but according to the occasion of our present meeting, (as being the conjunction of a young Couple in the bands of Matrimony) I will declare briefly unto you the Duties of Marriage, by most familiar examples, and such as the Utensils of mine own occupation presents to my intellect for your better edification. Now mark beloved (quoth he) Even as I do shape out my Soles equal one to another; so a Wife is a Sole that must be cut out to a man's hand and made fit for him; and after she is once married she must take heed that she tread not her  awry, for if she do, I can assure you she will hardly ever be well underlayed: But what is that must unite and sow together a Couple in Marriage? Surely it is love, that is the thread that makes them hold fast in affection, and without love, those that are wrung with the  of Marriage will fall all to pieces. Therefore dear Brother TOBY and Sister RUTH. pray let your love be made of the strongest thread that it may sow and conjoin you together upon the last of affection, in the new fashion of Marriage. Th●s short Lesson being well grounded in you you may now kiss one another, and do the rest that is to be done at night, after you have dined and supped well: for now you are man and Wife in the holy New Fashion.  
After the Cobbler had ended his Sermon, Dinner was sent in, and a long Grace said; so they fell to their cheer: but now the Cobbler's teeth walked as fast as his tongue, and all the Guests fed apace; only the Bride being inwardly discontent, stood like a poor patiented Grissel, sorry for what she had formerly done, and would by no means sit down according to custom, nor have her Bridegroom wait on her; bu● earnestly desired her Father that since she was married after the new Fashion, she might proceed contrary to the Old, and so make it completely a new fashioned Wedding indeed. This was granted, and so our young holy Sister wa●ted at the Table on her Bridegroom, wishing he might burn his lips with eating his Broth too hot▪ or that some honest bone would stick in his gullet and choke him; for she loved him not, but doted on the Cavalier, and wished to be with him though in some disguise but that her Father watched her so narrowly she knew not how to make escape: Wherefore (though much against her will she attended serviceably, till her Bridegroom and all the rest of the Guests arose.  
After Dinner was ended, they passed the rest of the time in fing of Psalms, and expounding Chapters, while the Bridegroom and Bride looked very demurely each on other, and instead of making their legs walk in Dances to some Music, they sat talking together to the edification of the simple. The Bride having now received (in a plentiful measure) sundry Documents of wholesome instruction from her holy Bridegroom, (being nevertheless half tired with his tedious Expositions) risen up made a low courtesy, and gave him thanks: but remembering herself of more material business yet behind, she solicited her Father upon his promise to her on the Wedding day, that she (according to the new fashion of Marriage) should receive her own Portion: whereupon the Old man unlocking his Closet, brought out a long Bag full of old Angels and other Gold, which he had gotten out of Vinegar and Mustard those two eager Elements; (for he was a kind of a keen Chandler) the Gold stuck to his fingers like Birdlime, loathe he was to part with it as with his own soul: but at last demurring, or rather doting on his Daughters future preferment with his new selected Son in Law, he began to spread his golden Pieces on the Table, and only told them out, for they were all weight upon his certain knowledge; so wiping his eyes, and indeed ready to weep at parting with his Gold, he called his Daughter unto him, delivered it, and bade her tell out the full somme, which he had been raking together many years industriously, as by turning the Mustard-mill, serving halpeny-worths of Cheese, not half so long as his nose, utttring off Hucksters rank Butter and Eggs half addle, as also by selling musty Vinegar and mangy Tobacco: All which Hoord being now paid down for his Daughter's Portion, he desired her Husband that his Daughter might have her will on her Wedding day, and (after the new Fashion of Marriage) receive it into her own custody, for the use of him and his Heirs. The Bridegroom who was none of Father Wisdoms Sons, and had his Religion only in his demure Face, and hornpipe Nose, through which he spoke snaffl●ngly to this purpose, That his Bride should finger the Money now, as he intended to do her at night: and so lent her a white Handkerchief to tie up his Father in Laws Gold; she accordingly took the pains to draw it to her, and told again the golden Story to herself. The Old man began now to recapitulate to all the Guests present▪ how he (with consent of the Bridegroom his new created Son in Law, and according to the new form of Marriage) had paid in to his Daughter 600. l. pound Portion, and so his care and promise in that point was ended. The Bride in the mean time was busied in disposing the Gold; she put it up into a leathern bag and (throwing her Husband his Handkerchief to wipe his nose on, for he should never see that money again) she carried away the Prize, and laid it up close in her Chest: the Old man applauded his Daughter's care saying, she had made all cocksure; the Guests gave her likewise great commendation, and the Bridegroom Sir Toby thought the Gold safe enough for him and his faithful generation. Having thus debated the matter a while, the Old-man knocked with his Brasill staff, for his Daughter tarried long, and was doing something they little suspected, to put a neat Plot upon them all; yet like an obedient piece of Virginity, she came at his call, looking very cheerfully; the company were glad to see her so merry, thinking the conceit of that night's pleasure to come, made her thus pleasant: so the Old man the Bridegroom, and Guests began all to smile too though they had small cause for't considering her purpose, which she so cunningly dissembled.  
The wished night being come, they went all to Supper, but their bellies were so full of good cheer, that they could eat but little; but especially the Bride, who was thought to fast as Virgin's use, being afraid at first to go to bed to her Husband: but the Cobbler eat till he was ready to burst again; for if a stitch had fallen in his guts, he knew how to sow them together again: the other Guests also fell hardly too't tooth and nail; but the Old man only eat but little, for the parting with six hundred pound in Gold had taken away his stomach. After they had sat a while and talked as formerly, they called for water to wash, and a demure Grace being said by the Old man, they all arose and sat like Images of the new Reformation; till at last the Old man made a motion that all the Guests there present and himself should accompany both the Bride and Bride groom to their Chamber, and there leave them; to which all agreed, and the young Couple were brought to their Bridall-Chamber accordingly: Now whether they had a spiritual Sack-posset or no according to the old Fashion, I know not; but the Bride earnestly besought her Father and all the Guests present, that she might make it in all points a new Fashioned Wedding, and therefore for some special reasons, desired that her Sweetheart and Bridegroom might go to bed first; it was granted and he plucked off his  and soon got within the sheets; so her Father and the other Guests wishing them both good rest, took leave and departed, not thinking what would afterward happen. No sooner was the Company gone out, but the Bride made fast the door, as if she would presently come to bed to her Bridegroom, and began to undress in a slow manner, delaying the time by looking in her glass, whilst her Bridegroom (grown very eager in his expectation) peeps wishfully through the Curtains being all this while in a standing Ague and called to her saying Sweet RUTH if thou lovest me, make haste and come away to bed; verily I have obeyed thy desire in all things hitherto. The Bride glancing back her eye on him, seemed fribbling awhile about untying her Petticoat; now thought young Toby I believe indeed she will come to bed immediately. But Oh, on a sudden her Prayer-book was missing, and she made an excuse to go down to fetch it: stay Love says Toby, Prayer-Books are abominable, I will instruct thee how to pray by the Spirit. But she craved leave to fetch up one more peculiar which her Mother gave her, and so fling out of the Chamber to seek it, locking the door fast after her. The happy opportunity now suiting to her desire, she went secretly into another Room, put on a new gown with all accoutremements necessary and (by the help of her Father's man whom she had acquainted with her Project) went forth resolvedly to embrace her new Fortunes. All this while young Toby lay much amazed that his Bride on her Wedding night too, should be so slow in her approach to his Bed, being impatient of further delay, risen up hastily, but finding the door locked fast against him, cried out the second time, Sweet-beart where are you, what do you mean by this? Come away and bring your Prayer-book with you: what doth make you stay so long? At last having no Answer, he knocked with a Bed ●●●ffe, so loud, that up starts the aged father, who coming to the Chamber found the door locked, and his Son Toby raging in his bed for lack of his new Bride; whereat being strong in passion, he set h●s shoulder to the Wainscot door broke it open, resolving his Son in law, that surely his Daughter was stolen out of the house but whither he knew not, only he miss one of his men withal, and thence grew his greatest suspicion.  
The Old man and young Toby being stark mad at this disaster, seach'd all corners of the house but found nothing but a Letter which discovered at full, how she had appointed to get her Portion, and marry with the Cavalier. Thus the Old man lost his Daughter and 600. l. young Toby was made a Gregory in losing his Bride; and this New-fashioned Marriage is and will be talked of round about the City: For never was the like trick showed by the wit of a Woman on her Wedding-Day.  
FINIS.