THE COUNTERS DISCOURSE, With its Varlet's Discovery, Being a merry Dialogue betwixt three cunning Rooks, Viz.  
Tenterhook the Sergeant, Catchall the Yeoman, and Spy-all their Setter.  
Printed in the year, 1641.   

THE COUNTERS' DISCOURSE, WITH its Varlet's discovery, being a merry Dialogue betwixt three cunning Rooks, viz.  
Tenterhook the Sergeant, Catchall the Yeoman, and Espial their Setting Dog.  Espial. 
HOw now mad shaver, what circumference and perambulation must I go make to day? I led you a brave dance yesterday, how we traversed the City as so many boot-halers to get in prizes! never did a Dunkirk Frigate watch a Newcastle Collier, nor a jealous wife a wanton husband, nor yet a Cat a poor Mouse, as we looked after desperate debtors.  Catchall. 
Faith Espial I tell thee thou art one that standest in no need of perspective glasses, for thy eyes are as piercing as a Hawks, and as dangerous as a Basilisks, thou puttest a prodigal spendthrift to as many turn as a Woodcock hath windings, and thou hast one quality more; thou art no kin to the Snail, nor yet to the Dormouse; a flie-boat or a Turkish galley is not quicker at Sea than thy indefatigable legs be on land, sure thou wearest some Goosegrasse in thy shoes, for Physicians say that Herb will keep those that wear it from weariness.  Espial. 
Pox of your jesting for me, I am sure your hands would do little without my eyes, never did a poor Mill-horse tire himself out of his skin, and labour out his own eyes for others profit, more than I do for yours, and to speak truth, as the poor Mill-horse is at last devoured by my Lord Mayor's Hounds; so are such as we are by his Sergeants: what, will you give us any thing this morning? for I protest I am Cropsick of yesterday Physic, I gave myself a vomit, but without the direction of any Quack-salver, and now a Modicum this morning would be a general restorative to my watery stomach.  Catchall. 
Well Espial, let us go see our Grand-Seignior Master Tenterhook, for he made a private composition last night betwixt two wilde-mad-brain fellows, that will maintain him and us too this fortnight; if he had not clapped in just as he did, I had ended the business, and pocketed the Cash up myself, but come, we will to him, and never did a Bartholmew-faire beggar more earnestly set upon a Gentleman passenger for an alms, than we will invade him for a good bit this morning, to satisfy our hungry maws.  Espial. 
With all my heart, and I know he will bid me welcome, for I can tell him of two nests of great wildfowl which are yet very fat, I know their haunts, I spied out their taking wing to fly abroad, I followed, and saw them housed, and like an old setting dog, I traced them back again to their sleeping holes, do you think that this news will not be welcome to M Tenterhook? I saith I think you and he could as ill subsist without me, as a new upset Apothecary could without the custom of some well practised Physician. He assure you, if the officers of the Counter had any charity in them, they would always remember such as I am for their special Benefactors, and upholders; I have sent them in five or six couple of rich feathered fowls in a week, which they have pulled bare, and devoured in a week after; no Poulterer can sooner unplume a Partridge than those Coysterels can a prodigal youngster in the poultry; yonder is the man we looked for, he is stirring betimes, I believe he is going about some Ambuscado, come, we will up to him: how do you Master Tenterhook?  Tenterhook. 
What my two Harpies? well met, you could not have come in a fit time, I have employment for you both presently, come, there is Cash for you both aforehand, and we will be jovial, do we but intercept this Canary bird; he lies in Lime-street, and we will lay strong lime-twigs for him; Gatchall, I hope your fingers are not soaped, and Espial, your eyes are cleared this morning, are they not? If we surround him, never was a narrow piece of Kerseys stretched more upon the Tenters, than he shall be by our Talons, you must be sure to watch narrowly, he is an easy Gul without a sword, or stout company, he goes in Plush, and I'll warrant you we will make him blush, there be three passages to secure, Espial, walk you by such an Alley, and there stand as if you were making water, but have an eye to such a door, if any such rich Capparizoned younker sallies out, presently withdraw you to us to such a Tavern, we will about him like so many Wolves, and feast ourselves upon his Cash, or his Carcase.  Catchall. 
What say you Espial to this, is not this brave hunting, this is better than beating of Hares, or threshing, and hedging in the Country for two pence a day and porridge, what though we be cursed? yet you know the Fox than fares best; Is not this Man-catching a brave trade? Those who are called spirits, that catch men for new plantations, are mere butterflies to us; if once we utter but our terrible Apology, The King greets you, into what a shaking fit puts it men into, our pressing men into the Counter, is more dreadful than a Constables is into the King's service.  Espial. 
Tush Catchall, now I am feed with good silver, I am ready for any villainy, I would not spare to betray my own father: what though we be counted Varlets? it is nothing, I would venture upon the stoutest Milford-lane man with as good a stomach, as a hungry dog would upon a creeping pudding. I'll deal plainly sirrah with thee, we in our offices must be like thiefs upon the highway side, have no respect of persons, command all to stand, all is fish that comes to the net with us, rich, or poor.  Tenterhook. 
Do but observe what a confession the young gallant will make when he is taken, oh how I rejoice to hear him, he does it in hope to find mercy at our hands, alas, it is much like that which Thiefs make at the place of execution, without any pity or hope of pardon; A man may as well look for mercy at the hands of an Argiere pirate, as at a Sergeants, for we are as cruel by land, as they are by Sea, they pass them away to the Galleys, and we to the Gallows. When we cope such a Spark at any time, the first place of debating the matter, is, if he be well lined with moneys, the next Tavern, but if he be a bird but of an ordinary flight, than the next rotten, old, dark Alehouse, our intent is there to gorge ourselves upon him, as so many Carrion Crows, and to fish out of him whether he be in further danger or not, and sometimes it is to send in the interim to the Creditor, to give him intelligence that long looked for is come at last, and to bid to haste to the Counter, and enter the action against him, for that is an usual trade with us, first to arrest a man, and then enter the action a little antedated, that our knavery may be concealed.  Catchall. 
Tush, that is as usual as it is for young wenches, first to adventure a great belly, and when they are sped, then to procure a Licence, but how we squeeze him in the interim, he might have sitten as easily bare buttockt upon thorns all the while, as to have stayed there amongst us, if we give him liberty to send Letters to any of his friends, Espial, or he that we send, knows how to protract time, or go about other business, or to say they were not at home, or else he would go again anon to their houses, and all this the poor gull takes for great courtesies from us, when it is nothing less, for we do it either to have the longer time to feast ourselves in, or else to gain moneys of him for keeping him as we say for going to the Counter, or to put him into the greater fears, while we sit and laugh at him.  Tenterhook. 
This is all as true as Gospel, but my nimble villains, there is more you know in it than all this; you know a privilege that I have beyond all this, for if I smell that he is well lined with gold no Chemist hath more dexterity to extract sophisticate gold from other Minerals, than I have to screw mettle out of his feathered pockets, I have a trick under the vizard of extraordinary courtesy and favour to drill this Buzzard home to my rooste, where I find lodging at ten shillings a night, and diet with a shoulder of Mutton, and a Capon, at thirty shillings with the sauce; Vintners reckon are often paid with brawling and quarrelling, but I have all paid me with hearty thanks, and a prayer to boot, to be good unto him, if in case I see he will be fetched off, I am sure one or two days to keep out of sight of purpose, that his friends may spend the freer, and his score run the higher; besides when I do come in, I make as though I was sorry for the Gentleman's trouble, when as it is a thousand to one, but I have been entering some other new action against him, or else informed some of his other Creditors to do it while he is in Limbo, and then he and his friends will pay any thing to quit him of my house, when alas poor bird, I have agreed with another of my brethren to take him in again as soon as I am discharged, beside all this I have a devise to go to his Creditors, to desire them not to be seen in the business as yet, telling them also, that if they keep off, and not close too soon with him, they may have their full debt and charges, when as all this while I do work only to spin out my prisoner to the highest strain, as Nuns do fine Lawn, so that you Varlets ye see, how I like a cruel devil torment this poor soul: Is not this a brave trade my nimble dexterous slaves? & how often have I at the upshot got good fees for you also?  Espial. 
And do you think great Commander, that all comes into your purse? No I'll warrant you, for if once I have found out but a debtor's lodging, he shall not want for visits, for once or twice a week I come and salute him, where I am sure to be well feed with an Angel at least for concealment of him from your clutches; besides good Sack and Claret, and oftentimes good victuals too, for most men love liberty, and they will try all conclusions before that of a Gaol, when once they are there, they give themselves lost men, and are as sure bound, as Galleyslaves be to their Oars.  Catchall. 
I protest I hold the City like a racket Court, and debtors to be like Balls, Espial throws them into our hands, and we bandy them from one hazard to the other, most commonly under line, so that all that come in, are either tossed and lost, or else broken and spoiled with our violent usage, we are like the gamesters, make sport at their misery, there are as few debtors come sound off from our hands, as there do found wenches from old bawdy-houses, or good horses from an old horse-coursers stable, or full dishes of meat from a dinner amongst old Soldiers in a beleaguered town. A Mildew rots not more sheep, than we consume men's estates, what Caterpillars are to fruit, that are we to prodigals.  Tenterhook. 
We may (I hope) speak merrily amongst ourselves (old Rogues) I hold the City like a Wilderness, and we be the beasts of prey, if Usurers be Tigers, and Attorneys be Leopards, Clerks and Solicitors be Foxes and Badgers, your Informers and Promoters Whelps and Beagles, your Justice's Clerks as Cats, and if Brokers be Wolves and Bears, yet it is the strong number of Sergeants, Yeomen, and Setters that be the Lions and Mastiffs, if it were not for us, you should see Guildhall as empty of complainers, as Westminster Hall is in a long Vacation, or a dangerous pest-time, we find all those work, therefore all the rest are in fee with us; what quick return have we four days in a week at Guildhall; and it would seem strange if we should not be well f●d, as long as the Sheriffs keep open house; I tell you Magpies cannot feed better in a full Cherry Garden, than we do there.  Spy-all. 
There's no fear of our thriving as long as men can borrow money, and forfeit their day of payment; I have Tenterhook, a list of mad shavers that will fall into your hands ere long, but all the mischief is, they live in fortified places, such as are Milford-lane, Ram-alley, Chancery-lane, Grayes-Inne-lane, , Great Saint Bartholomewes', the little Minories, Saint Catherines Liberty, and the Tower freedom, if you dare make your approaches upon these Bulwarks, and enter a strong battery, you may be sure of prizes enough.  Tenterhook. 
Pox take you, do you jeer us? the name of those Garrisons how it startles me, I once had an enterprise upon one of those forts, and though the enemy had no intelligence a long time, nay I had possession of my Captive, but suddenly the alarm was taken, or all the women were as ready as they be in the Isles of I●rnsey and Garnsey, or in the I'll of Wight, upon the discovery of a French or Spanish Navy, and fought most desperately, so that I was forced to forego my purchase, and glad I came off with life, you shall assoon persuade a thief to go up Holborn Hill, and hang himself at Tyburn, as to get me against any of those Citadels again.  Catch-all. 
Let me have one passage with you amongst the rest, I had a large fee once given me, when I was Yeoman to Sergeant Snap-all; to adventure upon that narrow Sconce called Ram-Alley. We had our prize that we went for, but before we could get off, we were environed by the enemy's forces that lay in Ambuscado, but we were so imprisoned, so sentenced, so shaved, so trimmed, so anointed, so washed, so slashed, and gashed, that had we not stunk so miserably, I looked for no other preferment then to have been sliced out for steaks for a breakfast; but at last it was generally resolved on, that seeing we were such stinking Carrion, we were fit for Fishes or Ducks then for men, and so in a desperate manner, we were fling over the Castle walls into the water, either to swim or drown, I never was in such hot service before, and will never adventure it the second time; see the marks they gave me on my face, head, hands, limbs, and buttocks. I'll rather turn futurer to my Lord Major's kennel of hounds, and be bound all my life to carry guts to the Bears for a penny a day, than ever be pressed upon that thankless service again.  Tenterhook. 
Come, come, there's no gains without pains, sometimes we are hard put to it, but however we get something by th'hand, we have as many cheating tricks as a dancing Bear though some escape, yet 'tis not one of an 100 Well, let's hear some news, what is there any stirring?  Spy-all. 
There was a rumour the other day, but I hope 'tis but a report, that our Deans should be searched, and our Officers examined, about unjust fees, and unlawful imprisonment, 'twas said too that the Sergeants should be reduced to their pied-party-coloured-coats, and to answer to all such prisoners as should make just complaints against them, and to give satisfaction to the parties wronged, 'twas reported likewise that prisoners should pay but two pence a night for their lodging, and not above four pence a meal, and that Sergeants should not arrest on the Lord's day, and such as would not wear such coats, should be put out of office, and many such hard Impositions.  Tenterhook. 
'Sfoot, if this be true, I'll go sell my place forthwith, for if all these Injunctions be laid upon us, I shall ne'er keep them, and therefore it's best to get something for it in time; some locusts cannot live in Israel, nor such Caterpillars be suffered in a reformed Kingdom, we know what hazards we have run, and if we should be called to an account for them, we had better flee away then stay; as great as ourselves have done so besides, there be such store of Protections out, that we know not how to seize upon a man for fear of lost labour. I met with two such this last week; well let's make hay while the Sun shines, I am afraid of the worst, if such a Leather-faced fellow, as I or thou art, should but be brought into question, our very downe-looks would half hang us, a blear-eyed man had as good gaze upon so many shining Suns at once in their full lustre, as you or I view that great Parliament at midday: well, I am for the country, I'll buy a little Farm and live thereon, and repent me for all my former iniquities, farewell.  Catch-all. 
Will he so soon cashier himself? sure he has heard of some ill to that company of Varlets, but sirrah Spy-all, what shall you and I do? thou mayest have as good an head to advise well as thou hast eyes to spy well.  Spy-all. 
Well, if you will be ruled by me, go you to Gregory, and see that in case you come into his hands as you are doubtful you shall, that he should quickly turn you from earth to your great Patron in hell, for that will be your habitation, you that put so many into dens, 'tis fit that you should live in one yourself.  Catch-all. 
And what will you do you mad slave?  Spy-all. 
Who, I'll warrant you I am not to seek, I'll post into Italy and catch frogs, and present them to the Duke of Parma, for Netherlandish Ducks, let me alone. Well for this time, Farewell.  
FINIS.