CRACKFART & TONY; OR, Knave and Fool: IN A DIALOGUE OVERDO A Dish of Coffee, Concerning MATTERS of RELIGION AND GOVERNMENT.  
Printed in the Year. 1680.   

A DIALOGUE BETWEEN TOM and DICK.  Tom. 
SO! we Two are got together into a Corner of this Coffee-house, where none can overhear us; Prithee Dick. let us Discourse like ourselves.  Dick. 
Ay Tom. just like Cit and Bumpkin; this is the place for Dialogues: There sat Cit where you do, and here sat Bumpkin where I do; now if we could but talk so wisely.  Tom. 
Why! What discoursed they of Dick?  Dick. 
Of matters of Religion and Government; what should they talk of else? 'tis all the Discourse now, from the Lord to the Fiddler, all are grown Statesmen.  Tom. 
Well, and how handled they matters?  Dic. 
Pestilent well; and they begun about Petitions, things that have made a great Bustle, and much Discourse.  Tom. 
Let us talk a little too, very freely our minds.  Dick. 
Come with all my Heart; but first clear your Eyes with the steem of the Coffee, 'tis good for your Brain. It must be your task to speak, and write.  Tom. 
Write! why I have writ myself half purblind already, I write commonly in my sleep, and Dream out politic Discourses: & Further Discoveries, which I have thought many a time and oft Old Nick Himself injects into my Skull, they are such notable unlucky ones; the Government could never be at quiet for me in those days of Your, till I got Four or Five hundred a Year by chattering, and whilst that lasted, I was as mute as a Bell-founder, or Will. Pryn, when buried amongst musty Records; but now to tell you the truth, I have nothing else to live on, but my Wits, and yet am at my Wits-end, because I can get no living Creature to answer me; that I might with a handsome colour continue the Wrangle.  Dick. 
Let your Bookseller hire some body to reply.  Tom. 
Hang him; he says he loses by my works already, that I am grown a mere Fumbler at Scribbling, and forced to be my own Plagiary; but a Book's a Book, and a Bargain's a Bargain, and therefore hitherto I have done well enough with him.  Dick. 
Well then, All's well that ends well, but we come to argue matters of State, and I say (as aforesaid) it must be your Province to invent and hold forth.  Tom. 
And yours Dick. to hear and believe.  Dick. 
But I'll speak in my turn, though to little purpose.  Tom. 
You say well, for none always speaks to purpose, though he speaks purposely.  Dick. 
I bar Riddles, for if you speak 'em, you must unriddle 'em too, and that's Labour, you know my Capacity.  Tom. 
Well then I'll tell thee Dick, to speak purposely in our Language, is to set People together by the Ears; and not to speak to the purpose is when for all that, they won't go together by the Ears.  Dick. 
Very well, truly Tom.! very well, I see you are an enlightening Man, and hath a plaguy long snout of your own to smell a Presbyterian Plot. I begin already to have my Eyes open, I can see through a Millstone as far as another: You'll make me lose my Nature, and become Wise.  Tom. 
Ne'er fear it, there be a great many Knowing Fools.  Dick. 
What at Riddles again!  Tom. 
How should we discourse else? That is such as read much, and understand little, that hear wise men talk, and like Parrots can say after them; that have the Languages without the Wit, to make true use of them: That talk like Aristotle, and write like Seneca, but live like Sir Formal, and act like Sir Foplin.  Dick. 
I say thou art an enlightening Man; that there should be such knowing Fools: But most Fools are knowing in their own Conceits, at least they think themselves wise.  Tom. 
But to our purpose, if there were not so many Fools, there would be fewer Knaves: For if there were not a great many believing Fools, there would be far less inventing, prating, and scribbling Knaves.  Dick. 
You are much in the right in that; we have talked of Fools, but a word or two of Knaves.  Tom. 
Well, I will endeavour to satisfy you in that, There are a very great number of that profession, and we have also our Committees, and Sub-Committees, Clubs, and Meeting Houses, even from Algate to Temple-Bar, in the City of Westminster, Burrow of Southwark, & in the Country, throughout England, and in all the Chief Corporations thereof; and we go buzzing, or rather roreing and railing up and down against praying, desiring, entreating, requesting, supplicating, and the like; as dangerous, abominable, profane, tumultuous, incendarious, republicanical, and rebellious. Nay, we have our Gazettes too, our Pamphlets, our Poems, our Intelligences, our Compendiums, our Coffee-tales, and more tricks by half than Cit can be imagined to have.  Dick. 
I say you talk like a fallen Angel, a very Intelligence; What a fool was I, to know nothing of your Clubs! but the Righteous call them Jesuitical.  Tom. 
'Tis true, they have got that Title of late, and to tell you the truth, those learned Gentlemen have much enlightened our Eyes, and taught us how to carry things closely, and cunningly, and to work and undermine, They are the Masters at Supping, and have laid down for us Mathematical Rules.  Dick. 
As how?  Tom. 
As when we have a mind to set People together by the Ears. to begin with Religion, to invent new Plots, to raise Stories, to forge Lies, to Create Relations, to make Dialogues, to feign things that never were, to cause Jealousies, to stir up Feudes, to rail at the Presbyterians and other Sectaries, and to frame them Clubs, Committees, Officers, Intelligences, nay, to tell aloud their secret Whispers, Thoughts, and Motions of their Souls.  Dick. 
But why is all this? for what end? Don't we live in Peace? And has not God given us Plenty and Riches, and a good King, that grants us all just Liberties?  Tom. 
Why there's the thing Fool: I'll tell thee instantly in a Word, ' it's to break this Golden Chain, and to cause Commotions and Rebellion if we can.  Dick. 
What will you get by it?  Tom. 
I can't tell Fool what you will get: But I am sure I shall get sufficiently. 'tis good to Fish in troubled Waters; and there were never any Troubles yet, but as we had our Fingers in them, we knew (as they say) how to lick 'em.  Dick. 
I thought all the Knaves had been among the Citts and Sectaries.  Tom. 
No Fool. There be Court Knaves, and Jesuitical Knaves, Ungodly, Unsanctifyed, Irreligious and Profane Knaves, as well as Demure, Religious, and Saintlike Knaves, nay there be Monarchicals, as well as Republican Knaves: Lords and Knights and Gentlemen, as well as Citts.  Dick. 
But pray Sir, are there not also, as many of my Profession too, besides Bumpkins?  Tom. 
Yes sure; and most commonly, the Knave and the Fool goes together, as we now do, for they love one another Strangely.  Dick. 
That's Strange me thinks, yet I observe them often together.  Tom. 
The Knave knows not well how to be without the Fool; this Latter is the others Instrument, his Tool with which he works Miracles: He makes use of him, as the Monkey does of the Cat's Foot, to pull the Nut out of the Fire. So Fool, you must be my Instrument, and I will Instruct you, perhaps in time, you may get Preferment as well as Bumpkin?  Dick. 
I Prithee do: I will endeavour to Learn.  Tom. 
Why first you must learn to Invent, mark me, nvent things that never were, nor ever like to be; or if you are not good at Invention, we'll do it for you; than it must be your work to believe, and to cause our Inventions to be believed, though they be against Sense and Reason, against Proofs, Oaths, Witnesses, and Demonstration itself.  Dick. 
What, Narratives of Dragons, Prodigies, and Strange Sights? That's the way Citt takes.  Tom. 
No, no, Stranger Relations; though the Sun shine, you must say and believe it is Night: Though the Land be Embroiled, and in great trouble, you must think it is in Peace: Though the Wind Blow, you must say 'tis Calm, though it be Sultry weather, you must cry it is damned Cold, an blow your Fingers. Though you see Popery spread, you must say the Presbyterians, and Sectaries bring it in under hand. Though you feel the Shoe ring the Foot, you must say 'tis an easy shoe: You must endeavour to turn Plots into Ridic ule, and to make Sectaries Jesuits, Knaves to seem Honest Men, and Honest Men Knaves.  Dick. 
But you must give me the means to do it.  Tom. 
Oh! You must be diligent, when we Write, Speak, Exclaim, Rail, Huff, Roar, Swear, Rant, and Lampoon, to run every where, and publish them in all Companies, and Places, especially among the Fools, the Roisters, the God-dam-mees, the Jesters, the Fiddlers, the Careless, the Profane, the Tyrannical, the Rapacious, the Cheats, the Hectors, the Bullies, and the Shirks in the Baudy-houses, Playhouses, Gaming Ordinaries, the Court of Requests, and Westminster-hall, and every where, and in all Companies, to gain Credit, and Especially among the Papists, and the Mongrel Papists, who are neither Flesh, nor Fish, nor good Red Herring:  Dick. 
I see a man may live and Learn, I think I have the Advantage of Bumpkin in this.  Tom. 
That thou hast, for you may do it with ease, and neither fear Pillory nor Imprisonment. We have many great Men will take your part, the Jesuits underhand will encourage you, and we have a Party too, that rather than you shall want, know how to part with Money to Promote a good design, and that out of pure Charity, can release persons out of Prison, to do their Stabbing jobs. Don't think all the Policy lies in the Cits Lords.  Dick. 
And I must speak against Petitioning too, and Parliaments.  Tom. 
Ay against the first, with full mouth, Authority will back you; but against the latter Cautiously, like a very Presbyterian. And though we could heartily wish, there might never be any more Parliaments (unless it were to make an Act that some of us might Supervise the Press) we must not say so, because of the damned Privileges, and Charta's and many Moldy Statutes, which the Common People are fond of, and will draw an Odium upon us:  Dick. 
But what was that true that Cit and Bumkin said t'other Night, about getting of Hands and Subscriptions to Petitions, and putting in false, and Invented Names?  Tom. 
'Tis no matter whither it were he or not, these New-fashioned Court-made Citts are often given to Lying and Bragging, however though we don't believe it ourselves 'twill make much for us, if the People will believe it.  Dick. 
I am afraid truly, they have the greatest Party on their side.  Tom. 
Thou talk'st now right Fool, but if they had, we are the Wisest, and know how to be even with them: We know how to Chop and Change Persons in Business, till we have Moulded them to our Humour, and till we are sure we have got such, as will at least Connive at our Politics.  Dick. 
I know not how it came about, that the Petitions fell so soon, both in City and Country, till Cit Informed me.  Tom. 
I tell thee, thou must not believe all Citt says, he is a very Lying Fellow, the truth on't was, many of us made use of their Wits in that Affair, we spoke fair to some, we Threatened others, we Flattered many, and used no small Diligence and Policy to put a Stop to Petitioning, which like an Itch had spread over the Land, but indeed under the Rose, many were afraid, but more had some Conscience, and loved the King, and Peace of their Country, and so were extreme unwilling to displease His Majesty, since he had showed his dislike, and this was the true Reason, that broke the Heart of the City and Country Petitions, and put a stop to the inundation of Hands, that were coming up.  Dick. 
Then I perceive, these Men had some Conscience, 'tis true indeed, Citt said, they had got all sorts of Consciences.  Tom: 
No, no, they have not all the Consciences neither, for they have left some for us. There is a Fool's Conscience, and a Knave's Conscience, a Little Conscience, a Large Conscience, and no Conscience at all;  Dick. 
I thought 'twas impossible for Citts to have left any Conscience, but that they had engrossed all to themselves. But I pray; what do you mean by these Consciences? Explain yourself a little.  Tom. 
That I will for your Edification! Know then that a Little or Small Conscience is no bigger than the Bag of a Bumble Bee; and this may be called the Fool's Conscience: 'Tis usual to say, a Man has Little Conscience, and such an one is he, that will take one's Money for nothing; that will strain at every Gnat, Kicks at the very mention of any Papists having a hand in the Late King's Murder, or that is possible for a Protestant that cannot Swallow every little Ceremony to be a good Subject. He is one that Promises much, and performs Little, Receives all, and pays none, keeps his Whore, and breaks his Word with her, runs in Debt, and then to the Friars, or a Protection, sets his Instruments a work, and leaves them in the Lurch; Ruins the poor, to enrich himself, Fires Houses, and Robs by the light of them, and endeavours to set the World together by the Ears to get a Reward, or a Petty Place to Domineer in.  Dick. 
Who would think there was so much in a Little Conscience! What is then your Large Conscience?  Tom. 
'Tis much bigger than the Tun at Helderburgh, and that may be called the Knave's Conscience. Ten Thousand pound will lie in one Crevice of it, and not be seen at all. He that has it, can Swallow whole Lordships, and an Hundred Thousand Pound will not fill one little Corner of it? 'Tis big enough to drain the French Kings Finances, and our King's Exchequer. 'Tis so wide, the Devil may run a Race in't, and be out of Breath before he reaches the end of it. They that have this Conscience Swear above half as many Oaths as they speak words, spend all on their Whores, and leave their Wives in want. And the Whores have this Conscience, that for a little sport, require Thousand's, large Setlements, great Gifts, and if they could get it a Kingdom's Revenue.  Dick. 
Very good, but what is it to have no Conscience at all?  Tom. 
That's a Jesuitical Conscience, such as can Swear all Oaths Glibly, take all Tests, Profess all Religions and be of none, Lie, Swear, Forswear, Imprecate, Attest, Blaspheme, Fire Houses, Conspire the Death of Princes, Lay Plots, and Designs for Massacre, and Rebellion, and yet stoutly deny their Gild, even at the Gallows, and at the Last Gasp say, they are as Innocent as the Child Unborn.  Dick. 
But have we no simple, true, Religious Conscience, that loves God for God's sake? That Submits to Laws Peacably, because Christ commands it? Obeys Magistrates, Love's Peace, both in Church and State, because 'tis the Doctrine of Jesus, and of his Apostles?  Tom. 
This sort of Conscience is not among us.  Dick. 
I heard Cit say, 'twas only to be found indeed in the Goal, or in the Hospital, in Men in Adversity, or in Sickness.  Tom. 
'Tis a Jewel indeed, the Elixir of the State's Man, that would convert all Evil Politics to Gold: The Philosopher's Stone of a Divine, that would enrich all his Thoughts with Celestial Treasure. But let us ne'er seek after it, 'tis as hard to be got as the Universal Medicine, or to be found as o Brazile. Hang it, 'tis a Chimaera, to be looked for only among Rosierutians, or in Fairy Land.  Dick. 
But I heard Cit say, that Conscientious Men, might be known by their Looks, Gestures, and Pulpit Actings.  Tom. 
True enough, we have of these sort of Conscientious Men, they are not all among the Citts: Who more Demure than a Reverend Father Jesuit? That shall give you words like Sugar, which are in the mean time Rank Poison? That can Equivocate and Dissemble, and Smile in your Face, and if an opportunity be given, Cut your Throat, or Fire your Houses? That can drink with you, and take the Sacrament with you, and then wipe their Mouths and Plot the death of their Sovereign, the Subversion of Religion, and Sub-plot, to put all off their own Backs upon that of the Heretics? What think you, are not these Demure, Grave, Holy-looked, Conscientious Men? Then as for their Activity in the Pulpit; I defy ere a Presbyterian of them all, to come near a Seraphic Franciscan, or a Mouthing Dominican. I once heard one of the former at York House, and never Juggler, Tumbler, or Jack-Pudding, had more Postures than he had; therefore let not Cit Brag of his Pulpit Activity.  Dick. 
But what say you to those Moving Metaphors that some of them have? There they out do all others:  Tom. 
Neither, for we have enough Slip-Stocking Priests who have many more delicious Similes, and pretty Metaphors, that would make a Man draw his Mouth of one side: And that Learned grave Dulman in the University is not to be forgotten, who praying for the young Students in that place, Cried, O Lord make these Young Willows to grow up to be Old Oaks, that they may become Timber, fit to Wanscote thy New Jerusalem.  Dick. 
So much for Conscience, and Conscientious Men: Let me now ask you what Religion I should be of, or which is most convenient for my Capacity?  Tom. 
Don't you know what David the King says; The fool hath said in his heart there is no God. He has pointed forth thy Religion Fool; that is to say no Religion, an Atheist in thy Heart, but what thou wilt in show.  Dick. 
I thought that had been your Religion; there be a very great number of this Religion, who plainly testify it, both in their words and actions.  Tom. 
As for my Religion, tho' that shall never much trouble me, and 'tis fashonable to scoff and jeer at all Religions; and is a mark of wit and gentile breeding so to do; yet I having some little belief, that there may be a God and a Heaven, and an Hell, I think good to be of that Religion, wherein I may purchase Heaven with my money, and buy it as men do Land: take my full wing of Pleasure, commit all manner of Sins and Debaucheries; care not how I live, or what I say or do all the week, and on Sunday Morning be made as clean as a House that's new washed; and so as soon as all my filthy sins are carried away by absolution, return again fresh and hungry to new Commons; and thus toties quoties, from one week's end to another, as long as I live. O! This is a brave Religion; and a world such as I have lately embraced it; and all the brave Whores have followed our steps; It gives authority to our Pleasures.  Tom. 
I think very well of this Religion, and I am resolved to believe this, and profess the other for a time, for I find this to be in vogue, and to spread mightily.  Dick. 
Yes, 'tis to promote this Religion that all this Pother is made; but we most safely and cunningly do it, under a secure and dreadful notion, by railing at the. Presbyterians, and pretending burning zeal for reformed Catholics; whilst indeed we intent to pull down the reformed Bishops, and to set up the Romish  Tom. 
But one thing Dick, I must mind you of, that you come short of Cit in.  Dick. 
What's that?  Tom. 
You have not the Knack of getting by Imprisonment, or standing stiffly and stoutly for the cause.  Dick. 
That's your mistake Jack, for I tell you, they learned that Trick of us; for we have several, that weekly and daily search all the Prisons in Town, for working Tools, that is, out of these Colleges do pick Persons fit for desperate designs. Alas! in that Cit is a Fool to us; for we have those, that have lain years, like Fies in the Inquisition in Newgate, the King's Bench Fleet, Gatehouse and other Prisons, only to pick and choose Instruments fit for our purpose, and to insinuate into them, and to indoctrinate them; and having made and moulded them fit for purpose, paid their Debts, tho' of a considerable value; or if in for other wicked Actions and flagitious Crimes, get their Reprieves, and then their Pardons, or some way work their escape, and then these are eternally obliged to us, being still Feed with money, and kept at the public charge. Don't you see then Jack, that the way to Preferment is by being clapped up? And we have Lords and great men too, that with their Purses and their guineas spare for no cost to bolster up the Cause.  Tom. 
But what if any of these should betray you, and confess all this at last?  Dick. 
We have besides the Impudence of Denying (for we work without witnesses,) the way of Godfreying such a one presently, or of sending him beyond Seas, as soon as we have done with him, or before he has any opportunity, and then he is past telling Tales.  Tom. 
But won't your great men deceive them at last?  Dick. 
Not till they have fully done with them, and then are not so generous as Cits great Men: before they dare not for their own Interest; and besides, they have always Spies upon their actions and behaviour; and if such a one spits but awry, he's gone; he's then like a Cracked Tool, to be flung aside, and when he has done what he was intended for; he becomes like a Wornout-Tool, fit only for the Fire, or to take a Dance with COLEMAN at Tyburn.  Tom. 
I am well satisfied as to this point, and thank you that you are so free with me, for I should be much troubled. if you should come behind Cit in any thing; well, I think I am fitted now for your service, I pray you get me some place or other, and let me be a perpetual working-Tool.  Dick. 
As most of your Capacity are; for our Fools are such incorrigible Tools they never wear out: therefore you need not be afraid of being laid aside.  Tom. 
But have you as much Christian Liberty as Citt? And Freedom from all Humane Laws, and only subject to the immediate Commands of God, and the Spirit, though against the Written Laws, Divine and Humane, and the Commmands of Kings and Governors?  Dick. 
Yes sure, more than Citt has: For we have a better way by half, than to poor in the Scriptures, or to hearken to the Motions of the Spirit, which may be irregular; therefore we have our Infallibility at Rome, who, like the Sun, disperses his Beams, that is, the Priests, who carry his Infallibility all the World over: And so instead of waiting on the Spirit, that sometimes is sullen, and won't speak, we go but to the next Priest, and he gives all the Christian Liberty that Citt so much brags of. And having his Priestly and Infallible Licence, overthrowing the Government is no Treason, taking up Arms against the King no Rebellion, robbing the Reformed Bishops, or the Heretical Presbyterian Churches no Sacrilege, taking away Abbey and Church-Lands so long settled on Lay men, by Authority of Parliaments no Oppression, taking away Estates no Robbery, Imprisoning, Racking, Burning, and Tormenting persons no Tyranny; and all this under the Name and Notion of Religion, no hypocrisy: forcing Oaths contrary to ones Conscience, Perjury and Blasphemy, no Impiety; and the blowing up of the King, House of Lords and Commons, Compassing, and Contriving the Death of their Sovereign, or Stabbing and Shedding the Sacred Blood of Princes no Murder.  Tom. 
Very good, live and learn I say; before you informed me, I thought Citt had been the most Public Man in the World; and had been best furnished with Principles, to Act and bring about his Designs of any other; but I see you are even with him, though he bragged he had more Villainies than the Jesuits.  Dick. 
I tell thee he is a very Bragadocio: For all those things he takes upon himself, and which perhaps some of them have made use of, he had from the Jesuits School. I tell thee man, they are in all Shapes, and become all to all to promote the Cause.  Tom. 
But a word as to Oaths; Citt says, they are excellent at Swearing.  Dick. 
Nay then, if they surpass us at Swearing or at Forswearing either, I'll be baked: For look you, they swore but once in a Year or two, and they were only bare Oaths; now we swear our people once a Week, and seal it with the Sacrament (a Knack Citt hath not) when ever we have a Design on Foot; besides the Christian Liberty that is granted ours, to to take all Oaths besides our own, and to reckon them none: For to swear by a Protestant Bible is no more obliging than if one had sworn by the Alcoran.  Tom. 
I think now I am fully instructed, and fit for your purpose.  Dick. 
Stay, I heard you repeat a Golden Sentence of Citts. I will also furnish you with one or two that you ought still to have in mind.  Tom. 
O I love Sentences, pithy short Memorials, and fit to be wrote down in my Common-place Book.  Dick. 
They are these, First, Asperse boldly, something will stick. To die for Treason at Tyborn, is the ready way to be Sainted at Rome. To commit Murder, and to die for it, is the best way to become a Martyr. To deny the Gild of Crimes, at the last Gasp, and to profess Innocency, is a Sign of Grace and Jesuitical Fortitude. That the Pope exercises more Authority than God, who pardons not Sinners without Repentance; whilst the Pope gives Indulgence for Sins to be committed for Money for a 1000 years to come. To commit Murder, Adultery, Theft, Drunkenness, and the like, are great Sins, unless advised or consented to, by the Priest; and for the Good of the Cause. To murder an Heretic, is no more Sin, than to kill a Dog: To stab an Excommunicated Prince or other Magistrate, is the best way to become a Romish Hero, and to have Elegies wrote in his Praise. To have any Trouble or Remorse of Conscience before or after the Commitment of such sanctified Murders, is to fall from Grace, and to merit Penance.  Tom. 
Very Good, I see Citt has not all the Golden Sentences, these will I put down in my Book.  Dick. 
You must believe these as your Creed, have them by Heart, and as perfect as your Paternoster or Ave-Maria.  Tom. 
But what Employment have you now?  Dick. 
I am a Knave by Profession, and therefore cannot want Employment, but the chiefest thing that I get Money now by, is Scribbling all sorts of Pamphlets, that may make for Our Cause; Damning the Presbyterians to the lowest Pit of Hell, Lampooning and Dialoguing, and Lettering the Plot into Ridicule.  Tom. 
But are you well paid for it?  Dick. 
Better paid than you think for, and I have a Bag by me, to pay you too, if you go about your Business handsomely. We have already almost brought it about, to make the People believe, there is no Plot. Be sure you be diligent in promoting that Belief, and bespatter the Evidence all you can: call them Rogues, Vagabonds, Debauched Fellows, Perjured, Lying, Inventive Knaves and Rascals. Fellows kept out of Charity, and released from Goals; any thing that may beget an Odium of Them, and the Common Enemy.  Tom. 
But whom mean you, by the Common Enemy?  Dick. 
You are a Blind Fool, if thou see'st not that; why all that oppose setting up of Popery, whether Church of England-men, Presbyterians, and the rest of the Heretical Fry, by what Titles or Denominations soever; for they are all Heretics, and alike to us.  Tom. 
Then 'tis not only the Presbyterian Protestants that you aim to overthrow.  Dick. 
No, No, though we pretend That, yet we aim also at Root and Branch.  Tom. 
What is that?  Dick. 
A thorough Reformation of the Whole. A setting up the Mass in its Splendour, and the retrieving all our Church Lands, as fully and wholly as they were before that Fat-Gut Harry the 8 th'. took them from us. Come I tell thee, we hope once more to Reign, and to push on the Plot, in spite of those pitiful Rogues, Oats, Bedloe, Dangerfield, and the rest of them.  Tom. 
Bravely resolved. I think now, I am pretty well instructed in the Methods, and Fundamentals of the Holy Cause.  Dick. 
I have yet some necessary Hints to qualify you the better for our Design. First, as to your Behaviour, you are to transform yourself into all Shapes; but you may for the present appear, Huffing, Ranting, and Hectoring in the Coffeehouses, and rail extremely at Oats and Bedloe; laugh aloud at the Plot, and do all you can, to make it be unbelieved. Sometimes put it upon the Presbyterians, and Commonwealths-men, and rather than fail, on the Earl of Danby, or any Body else, but our selves: you must seem a very Hector, and make a sneaking Citt afraid of you.  Tom. 
Very good, I understand you.  Dick. 
Then you must get the Art of Memory, mark me, the Art of Memory, to call to Mind, Relate, Print and often talk of (notwithstanding the Acts of Oblivion) all the Evils of our late Rebellion, the Murder of his Sacred Majesty Charles the First; the Banishment of our King, the Suppression of the Cavaliers, the Decimation and Confiscation of the Estates of the Royal Party. You must renew all these things again daily, and paint them as ugly, and in the worst Shapes you can. Here will be work for Tropes, Figures, and Metaphors. You must rake in old Soars, and stinking Dunghills, to make the Stench come fresh into the Nostrils of the Royal Party, to Incense them anew, and to cause Fears and Jealousies both in the King, and in those who are zealous for him against this Party; and though all that Wickedness, was acted by a few, the base and disowned Company of Olivarians, yet put it upon the whole Presbyterian Party, and mention not for your Ears, any Service they since did to his Majesty. And though the King has forgiven, and past Acts of Grace and Oblivion, and commanded that all should be forgot; yet I say, you must now revive all, and put it upon the Citts.  Tom. 
Ay, these Citts are terrible Fellows, they have Pike and Gun too, and they are able they say to do Service, if need be, if Monsieur should come to aid us.  Dick. 
'Tis true, if it were not for these Cits, we should do our Business, for all the Bumpkins; but they are much agreed: yet if we could but find some Trick to wrest Musket and Pike out of their Hands, we should do the Feat easily.  Tom. 
You say well, we might then fire Houses, and cut Throats at our Pleasure: pick and choose as we please, the Fat from the Lean. But I doubt we are too weak, our Party is too few.  Dick. 
Not so few as you think for neither; indeed the barefaced Papists, are not so very numerous, but we have an Army in Masquorade.  Tom. 
Who are they?  Dick. 
Church Papists, and a many both Lay and Clergical, that do not much care which End goes foremost. Some are down right Papists in their Hearts, others are but Popishly inclined, but lean so much, that the lest Push of Advantage flings them to Mass; and others are so absolutely Regardless, so they may get either Money or Promotion, that they care not much, which sort of Bishops sets in the Chair. And let me tell you, we have of all these, that will never die Martyrs for Protestantism no small Company, that when once the Scale begins to turn, will bring it down on our side amain.  Tom. 
I am glad to hear on't. But I understand by Citt, that all the Sectaries are unanimous, nay, and seem to close now, with all the moderate Church of England-men in the main Points, for a joint Opposition of Popery.  Dick. 
And that I must ingenuously confess to thee, is no small Trouble to us, and I have wondered at it, and scratched my Head for Vexation.  Tom. 
'Tis their common Interest sure enough to be so, you know Interest won't lie. They see the Deluge coming, and if they go into Parties, and stand not closely and roundly together now, they will be overborne.  Dick. 
It must be therefore our Masterpiece to break'um: That is an other Advice I am to give you: make 'em jealous one of another if you can; and say, why if the Papists are overthrown, and rooted out of the Land, you Presbyterians will be never the near, the Church of England will still Reign and Tyrannise over you, so that you had as good have the Popish Rocket, as the Reformed Lawn-Sleeves. Then to the Church of England-men, you must say, If you root out all the Papists out of the Land, the Presbyterians will be too hard for you, and turn you a grazing again. The Papists are inconsiderable, and serve but to Balance the Scales, and to make the Sectaries a little afraid of their Party, therefore be wise and not severe against them.  Tom. 
This is as good as the Citts Canting, I like it well, 'tis politicly said by my Troth. But another thing, the Citts are very credulous, and believe their Printed Domestics more than their Creed, though the things are never so improbable.  Dick. 
That's but one Doctor's Opinion, however, we love our Domestics too, and swarms of other Pamphlets, that have private Marks, which are credited by our Party, though the thing be impossible. And we have Legends of Lying Miracles, which surpass the Domestics many a League, yet are no more doubted, than that 'tis Day when the Sun shines. Besides, our Arts of insinuating, what ever a Priest says, is believed by the Vulgar of our side, ipso facto. Nay, they are bound to believe it, and that the Citts are not their Domestics.  Tom. 
Then I fancy, many of these Idle Reports, are cunningly spread by our Party, and put upon the Citts.  Dick. 
'Troth so they are, more than you are aware of; we are excellent at spreading false News, and raising Slanders, 'tis one of our Mister-pieces.  Tom. 
O Heaven's! I thought most of those had been Citts Inventions.  Dick. 
There's our Skill, first to raise them, and then to put it upon the Citts; for it seems very unlikely, that they should come from us, because we seem by many of them to bewray our own Nest. But 'tis no matter for that, if we beshit it ten times over, we'll make the Citts clean it.  Tom. 
But one Virtue Bumpkin excels you in, and that is Ignorance, for he thought the Ten Commandments were made by Henry the Eighth, and called them the Ten Tables.  Dick. 
Don't let that trouble you at all, for it is a Maxim among us, Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion; and therefore we make it our Work, to keep the Vulgar in Ignorance, and let them neither read Blble, or any other Book that may administer to 'em the least ray of Light or Knowledge; so that many of our people never so much as heard of Moses, and scarce any of them ever saw or heard the Ten Commandments: For we have stifled one of them, and when any of the rest is broken, can presently sodder it up again with a Confession. And as for God Almighty, they take him to be as they have seen him pictured, an Old Man somewhat like the Pope, sitting in a Chair, with a Rabble of He and She Saints kneeling before him. Therefore let not Bumpkin think he has got the start of us in that Virtue.  Tom. 
You have much rectified my Understanding: But one thing more before we part. What if there should be an Hell now, and I should go thither at last for all my pains? This Question Bumpkin asked Citt.  Dick. 
And how did Citt answer it?  Tom. 
By a pretty Simile of the Seven Deadly Sins, and Seven Vials; but the Application was, that Men were seen still to thrive by all these Evil Ways, and that they were not poison, as some would make them believe, but as sweet and wholesome as Muskadine, and none seemed the worse for them; therefore there was no danger in committing those Seven deadly Sins, or drinking out of the Seven Vials.  Dick. 
'Twas well said, and the Application will hold good also on our side; but we have a trick that Citt has not, to cheat the Devil.  Tom. 
I pray what's that? I shall say then you are cunning indeed.  Dick. 
Why? We have a Purgatory to go to, when we die acting and rolling in the Seven deadly Sins; and if they are so profitable as Citt says they are, we may then be able to leave a little Money behind us for a Welsh Priest (or any other Priest will do it as well) who by the muttering of a few Masses, releases a Soul out of Purgatory, and sends him immediately to Paradise. I think then the Devil is cheated for all his Baits of Seven deadly Sins.  Tom. 
Indeed, indeed we have here the advantage of Citt, and as I take it, Encouragement enough to drink stoutly of Citt's Seven Vials of Deadly Sins.  
But what think you of the Appeal? Citt brags he knows who wrote it.  Dick. 
'Tis no matter whoever wrote it, he was one of my profession; and I'll tell you his name too under the Rose.  Tom. 
Prithee do, for I long to know.  Dick. 
It was one Mr. Turbulent, let him be Citt or otherwise; but more of such I say, we fare the better for them: I know one got Fifty pound by that Job.  Tom. 
But what if Truman should come now, and having overheard our Discourse, fall into Dispute with us?  Dick. 
Ne'er fear; he rarely intermixes in our Company: but if he should, I know how to handle Citt's Arguments, and they would damnably puzzle him.  Tom. 
Heblew all away with a puff, and fell Tooth and Nail to vindicate one L'Estrange, prithee.  Dick. 
Who's he? Dost know him? Know him, Ay almost as well as Madam B. he's a Wit, a plaguy Fellow at the Goos-quil, a very Lucian at Dialogues.  Tom. 
Well, but is he a Friend?  Dick. 
Hold thy prating, what a rude Fool art thou to question a Gentleman's Religion; he that is not against us, is with us, and I never heard he ever wrote against Catholics, (except it were a Protestant-Catholick, and that, he says, is a Solecism) but he has peppered the Presbyterians. A Protestant he says is a Lutheran, and Catholic the Characteristical Note of a Christian; and it seems he would have the Church of England stick up her Bristles, and disown all Fellowship with Protestants abroad, and knock out all Nonconformists Brains at home, as the only way to prevent Popery. And in particular he has serenaded Dr. Oats of late most notably; and caressed him just as Joab did Abner, and would father that Bastardly project on him, with several other happy Jobs. Ah Jack! thou canst not Fathom the Talents and necessary Abilities of this mighty Bully of the Juck-pot. Let him go on and prosper, receive the Applauses of Man's Coffe-House, and the Acclamations of St. Omerian Companions; but let thee and I go on with our Chat.  Tom. 
But still I am afraid of some Eavesdropping Trueman: For we live in a damnable Informing Age.  Enter Goodman. Goodm. 
Tho' Truman be not here, I am one that has as honest an Heart, perhaps, and desires to speak a word or two with you: For I have overheard all the Rogueries.  Tom. 
Why, who are you? We know you not.  Goodm. 
My Name is Goodman, and I assure you I am no Knave, and have not over much of the Fool in me neither. I am no Papist, either barefaced or Vizard-masqued; I am no Citt or Factious Bumpkin; no Republican, nor yet Fanatic; but since you ask the Question, I shall tell you, that I am a true Lover of my King and Country, and one that perfectly hates all your Wicked Villainies, that both you two, and Citt and Bumpkin discoursed of. It is such as you that endeavour to set true Englishmen by the Ears: You are the Envenomed Ferment of the Nation, that will neverleave working, till you have put it into a Malignant Fever: You are a plague that infects the Blood, and Humours of this political Body: You are Dogs that have licked up the Old Vomits, and are now spewing all up again: You are the very Gaderine Swine the Devils entered into, and are sent from the Bottomless pit, to roll yourselves in all the Filthy sinks and Standing-puddles of the Nation, to raise up a Stench enough to bring a new Plague of War upon Three Kingdoms.  Tom. 
This is a very wrathful Fellow.  Dick. 
Come Sir, we care not a Fart for you, nor your Smilies neither; whatever you are, or what ever you make us to be, we'll go on in our Business.  Goodm. 
You will so? I question it not; for ye are the Caterpillars of the Nation, the Locusts that would devour every thing: but yet, notwithstanding both yours and Citts Politics, there will come an East Wind called God's Providence, that will sweep the Nation clean, from such Vermin.  Dick. 
In the mean time, dare you dispute with me about Government? and I'll hold Citts Arguments against you.  Goodm. 
This is no Place for Disputes, and I desire not to meddle with Governors, nor Governments. I have already told you what I am, and by that you might believe, I am no Meddler, nor troubled with the Itch of disputing.  Tom. 
What makes you meddle with us then, could not you let us alone?  Goodm. 
Because I am a Goodman in a Moral Sense, and cannot hear such wicked, lewd, and abominable Discourses as have passed between you, without a Reproof for your Villainies. Therefore think of it, both of you, and be ashamed, (if you are not quite past all Shame and Grace) and do not thus study worse than Magical Arts to embroil a Nation, to cause Fear and Jealousies in the People, Anger and Suspicion in the King, and Magistrates to break the Blessed Unity of the King and his People, to talk of Government and Privileges after your Rate, to invent Lies and forge false Reports, and in fine, to bring all into a Flame and Combustion.  Dick. 
Then you dare not Dispute with us?  Tom. 
No, No, he's afraid you'll be too hard for him.  Goodm. 
What is your Argument?  Dick. 
First, That 'tis better to obey God than Man.  Goodm. 
I say so too, 'tis literally true, and if it were not absurd, to name the Scriptures to such as scoff at them, I might tell you that God has said it in them; Though you would from this, draw a false Inference, and set up an Infallible Spirit, like the Quakers Light within you, and that should be accounted the Commands of God, which should be dictated by this Spirit, though contrary to those he has already laid down in his Written Word, for a Rule of our Faith and Life. But, Sir, this I am sure is not your true Belief, though it be Citts Argument, and you look on it as a two Edged Sword, that cuts every way; for let me tell you, that you hold it better, and more lawful, to obey Man than God, or your Earthly God (as some of you call him) than the heavenly God. Don't you hold the Pope Infallible, and that he cannot Err? and therefore, what ever he commands, though it be against the very Letter of the Sriptures, tho' against the Ten Commandments, tho' against the Express Commands of Christ, and the Doctrine of the Apostles, and the Fathers of the Church of Christ, for several Centuries immediately following: Nay, though against Nature, Reason, and Sense itself, you do, (and are so bound to) both Believe and Act: And therefore I think you may let Citts' Argument alone, and hold your own.  Tom. 
Why, this is shamming, he runs from the point.— To him with another of Citts' Arguments.  Dick. 
Well, what say you to the Sovereign Power being in the people?  Goodm. 
I say to you I am no Commonwealths-man, and I know there was a King, and Sovereign power before there was a people. Those are not Arguments for either you or me to meddle with: We are happy in our Monarch who cannot wrong us; But such as you, by your Evil Counsels and bad Designs may, when you try by all evil ways to turn the Soevereignty to Tyranny, and the Imperial Crown to a Despotical, which will never be: For the King loves his People too well to desire it; and as long as he has the Love and Hearts of his People (which only such as you strive to rob him of) he is a most absolute Prince, and may command both their Lives and their Fortunes without Force or Compulsion. We may cry out, O Fortunate Englishmen, if truly sensible of their own Happiness.  Dick. 
But is not the King one of the Three Estates?  Goodm. 
Yes, sure he is, or else there were not Three Estates; but he is as the Head of the Body, and if the Hands should not administer Food to the Head, I am of the Opinion, that the Body would soon become a Skeleton. I say again, of all the Nations of the World, we are the most happy in the Constitution of our Government; where the King and his People are so united and incorporated, as the Head and Body of a Living Creature, that one cannot do Injury to the other, without making both suffer, and endangering the ruin of the whole. And therefore they ill advise, to break the Ancient Constitutions, Customs, Privileges, and known Rights and Liberties of the people; and they as wickedly endeavour, who would any way go about Sacrilegiously to rob the King of the least Ray of Prerogative, which is the Halus or Glory that surrounds the Head of Majesty.  Tom. 
Methinks the Gentleman speaks Reason.  Goodm. 
As on the one side, no Laws can be imposed on us, but by the Consent of the people in their Representatives, and the Nobility and Clergy in theirs: So on the other side, none can be made, that shall prejudice the Soverignty, or infringe the King's Prerogative, without his Consent and Sanction; which Kings are wise enough, not to grant in prejudice to themselves, as the People likewise are careful not to frame any to their own Hurt: so that we certainly have a most happy Constitution of Government, and a better cannot be desired, when the King cannot do Injury to his People, nor they any ways hurt him, without Rebellion on the one side, and Tyranny on the other.  Tom. 
But is not a Commonwealth, a better Government?  Goodm. 
We are a Commonwealth, though not in your Sense; and it is my Opinion, that no better Government can be found in the Essence or Being, than what we have; though as to the outward Branches, they may be better pruned perhaps, and we see them in every Age, rectified by new and wholesome Laws; for some, like decayed Limbs, become obsolete and without Life, such are cut off, and new spring up in their Places, with new Sap and Vigour. I judge it much against the Humour and Constitution of this People, to become such a Commonwealth as you mean; for it will not be possible, but that in a little Time, he that can get Power will be our Tyrant, as we saw by Example in the late Trial was made thereof. And therefore you wicked Emissaries, leave off creating these Jealousies and Fears of a Commonwealth; for the only way that I know to make one, is that which you now take, to bring us out of Love with Monarchy, so into Rebellion, Confusion and Anarchy, and to raise up the like Combustion this Land too lately felt; which I pray God of his Mercy avert, and so I'll leave you.  Tom. 
This is a pestilent Fellow.  Dick. 
Ay, Ay, Let him prate: don't you be afraid of his East-Wind of Providence: go about your Business, and observe my Rules and Maxims. Let Good men talk as long as they will; Words are but Wind, but if the Turn comes, we two shall be Rich: And so Farewell.  
FINIS.