ENGLAND's JESTS Refined and Improved. Being a Choice COLLECTION OF THE Merriest Jests, Smartest Repartees, Wittiest Sayings, and most Notable Bulls, yet Extant. With many New Ones, never before Printed TO WHICH ARE ADDED, XIII. Ingenious CHARACTERS Drawn to the Life.  
The whole WORK compiled with great Care and Exactness: And may serve as the Witty-Man's COMPANION, the Busie-Man's DIVERSION; and the Melancholy Man's PHYSIC and RECREATION.  
The Third Edition, with the Addition of several Jests, not permitted to be Printed in the former Impressions.  
Calculated for the Innocent spending of the Winter Evenings, By H. C.  Semel in Anno Ridet Apollo. Horat.. 
London, Printed for john Harris at the Harrow in the Poultry, 1693.   


ENGLAND'S JESTS REFINED AND IMPROVED  Spectatum admissi Risum teneatis Amici Horat. 
London Printted for John Harris at the Harrow in the Poultry    

LICENCED, And Entered, According to Order.   

The Preface to the READER.  
READER,  
AS I know and own Plain-Dealing to be a jewel, so I were much too blame if I did not use it with You: Therefore as a taste thereof, there were two Reasons that chiefly induced me to compile this small Piece, and which I proposed to myself as the end thereof, viz. Your Pleasure, and my own Profit. For let Men pretend what they will for their Scribbling, as the Information, Instruction, or Obligation of their Friends and Countrymen with Twenty other Reasons given for it; I must beg their Pardons if I can't screw up my Faith to believe 'em: For 'tis too plain that Interest sways the World, and that all sorts and degrees of Men, even from the Courtier to the Cobbler, are its Votaries. You will not then admire if I proposed it to myself; nor do I think that I stood in need of a Preface to convince you of it: But Custom calling for one, a Book being without it (as our Modern Wits say) Like a House without a Porch, or a Play without a Prologue, etc. Tho I must confess I am no great admirer of Prefaces, looking upon 'em, I mean the Generality of 'em, (for there are some that are Concise, Pithy and Instructive) to be for the most part Impertinent, Superfluous, and little to the purpose; stuffed with Flattery and Ostentation, and many times excessive long and tedious, like too much Ceremony before a good Feast; which by its long detaining a Man, palls his Appetite: Notwithstanding which, I was willing to give you some short account of this Book; which you will find to be a choice Collection of the merriest jests, etc. (as you may see in the Title Page, to which I refer you) extracted from the several Authors that have written on those Subjects: Wherein their Gold is separated from their Dross, their Vnpolite ones are Refined, their long and tedious ones Retrenched, their old ones rendered Modern, and those unworthy an ingenious Man's Reading, wholly left out; The Composure thereof, having cost me no small Care and Pains, as you may judge; that not only the reading over, but Critical Examination of the several Books written (as aforesaid) on those Subjects, must needs amount to. But perhaps some carping Zoilus, or severe Cato, will either blame the Composure of those jests, or utterly deny the usefulness of any. As to the first, I leave it to your Candour to judge of it, knowing that if you come to delight yourself with Ingenious Fancies, and not to Carp, you may find some in this Collection that may answer your Expectation: But if there still remain any that aught to be Expunged, pass 'em by; and let the Merits of the Majority atone for their Defects. To the latter Objection against all manner of jests, I think Example and Authority will be a sufficient Apology, especially since they do not interfere with Religion, or good Manners. But I leave the whole to your Perusal; Hoping that as I have done what lay in my Power, to contribute to your Pleasure and Delight, so you will do your part, and show your kind acceptance thereof in buying it, especially when you may have it at so Reasonable a Rate as One Shilling.  
Farewell, H. C.   

ENGLAND's JESTS Refined and Improved.  

1.  
Apelles' the Famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of Alexander the Great on Horseback, and presented it to him, he gave it not that Praise that so exquisite a Piece deserved; whereupon Apelles desired a Living Horse might be brought, who seeing the Picture, fell to Pawing and Neighing, taking it to be a real Rival: Upon which Apelles ingeniously told that Great Emperour, That his Horse understood Painting better than Herald   

2.  
An Ignorant Countryman coming to Town, went to Covent-Garden, to a Gentleman to whom he was directed; who out of civility to the Country man, showed him what was remarkable thereabouts, as the Piazza's, and several Persons of Quaities stately Houses: At length he came to the Church, and the Countryman pointing to it, asked the Gentleman whose House that was? He told him it was the Lord of Hosts: The Countryman having never heard of such a Lord before, replied, It was some Scotch Lord, he'd warrant him.   

3.  
A Gentleman of Grays-Inn last Winter desired another of the same Inn to lend him Baker's Chronicle for an hour or two: He sent him word, That he could not spare it out of his Chamber, but if he pleased to come thither, he might use it all day there. Not long after, the other Gentleman desired him to lend him his Bellows: he sent him word, He could not spare them out of his Chamber, but if he pleased to come thither he might use them all day long there.   

4.  
A Mayor of a certain Corporation dining with the Aldermen his Brethren; after Dinner, to show his Loyalty, began his Majesty's health on one Knee, and presented it to one of the Aldermen, whom he imagined to be no great Admirer of Health-Drinking; The Alderman took the Glass, and pledged him on both Knees: which the rest of his Brethren observing, the Loyal Mayor was not a little concerned to be outdone (as he thought) by the Alderman, and asked him why he did it not as he had begun it, on one Knee? Why truly (says the Alderman) one Knee was in Honour of the King, and the other to ask God Forgiveness for so doing: What (says the Mayor) for doing the King Honour? No (says he) not for that, but because I pledged a Health on that which I ought to pray on.   

5.  
A Spaniard and a Frenchman meeting in Covent-Garden, after the usual Compliments passed between them, fell to disputing about Religion; Why (quoth the Spaniard) will you contend with us about Religion? There are more Saints in Spain then I have Hairs on my Beard: And there are more in France (said the Frenchman) than I have Hairs on my Head and Beard too. Then said the Spaniard, let the contest be thus decided, I will pull a Hair off your Beard, for every Saint I name; and you shall pluck one off mine, for every Saint you name: So the Frenchman began, and pulled one off the Spaniards Beard, crying St. Dennis; then the Spaniard doing the like, said St. Ignace: The Frenchman pulling another, cried St. Martin; the Spaniard, St. Xavier; The Frenchman, St. Lovis; the Spaniard, St. Terese; the Frenchman, St. Clotilde; the Spaniard, St. Isidore; the Frenchman, St. Bun; the Spaniard pulling two at once, cried, St. Cosme and St. Philip; the Frenchman resolving to be revenged, plucked off a whole Mustache, saying, The Eleven Thousand Virgins: Upon this, the Contest ended; the Spaniard not being able to endure or parallel so great a number.   

6.  
A Country-fellow Thatching a House, had an arch Boy to serve him with Straw; now there comes by a great Hog, and turns up his Head, as is he were listening: says the Thatcher then to the Boy, What does that Hog think now? O (says the Witty Rogue) I'll warrant you he's hatching of Mischief. And while he was busy at his Work on the Ladder, the Boy hunted the Hog just towards it, and justling against it, down came the Ladder, and Man and all: Pox on you, says this Blockhead to the Hog, 'tis true as the honest Boy said, you were hatching of Mischief indeed; for I think my Shoulders out: And if ever I thatch for any Body hereafter, I'll make my Bargain with them, that they shall all tie up their Hogs.   

7.  
Two young Scholars travelling from Rouen to Paris, mit a Country-fellow riding upon an Ass, which brayed in such a manner, as if he had been overjoyed to be in such learned Company: These Students thinking to put a trick on the Fellow, said, Friend, why do you let your Brother cry so? Can't you find out some way to still and quiet him? The Fellow, who was none of the dullest of the Parish that he dwelled in, answered, My Ass, Sirs, is so extremely pleased to meet with his Relations and Old Acquaintance, that he could do no less than sing a Song of mirth and merry glee, in testimony of your hearty Welcome to him.   

8.  
One told a Gentleman, That he would willingly marry, but he would have a Wife that is perfectly good: To whom the Gentleman replied, That if none but such a one would serve his turn, he must bespeak her, for there was no such ready made.   

9  
Two young Students were in a deep dispute about the Man in the Moon, whether he was a Gentleman or a Citizen: and after a great many Pros and Con's between them, one of them very wittily solved it thus: When the Moon was at Full, then there was a Gentleman in her; but when she appeared with two Horns, than he might swear there was a Citizen in her.   

10.  
Three Soldiers talking together, were overheard by a Courtier to say thus: One said, Had he a Thousand Pounds; he should be happier than the King, the other said, Were he a Captain under the King, he should be happier than he: the third said, That had he one Nights Lodging with the Queen, he should be the happiest Man in the World. The Courtier related this to the King, and his Majesty, for Divertisement, sent for the three Soldiers the next day before him, and commanded them to tell him what they said the night before at such a time. The first, fearing the King's Displeasure, said, That he had indeed rashly said, That if he had a thousand Pounds, he should be as happy as the King: so the King commanded a thousand Pounds should be given him. The Second begged his Majesty's Pardon for his bold saying, That had he a Captains Command under him, he should be as happy as he: then the King conferred that honourable Office upon him. Then the third fell upon his Knees, imploring his Majesty's Pardon for that he had said, That if he lay one Night with the Queen, he should be the happiest man in the World. Well, said the King, that is not in my power to grant; but if you can get her consent, you shall have mine: So he brought him before his Queen, and told his Petition; but the Queen, to show that our desires ought to be placed on suitable Objects, caused him to be sound whipped.   

11.  
A Witty Young Fellow was tried for his Life, since his Majesty's Restauration, and being cast, they told him he must be hanged: But he pleaded in his own defence a long time; at last desired the Judge, That if he must be hanged, he might be hanged after the new way that Oliver was, three or four years after he was dead.   

12.  
One that was advised to marry a Widow, replied, That they were too Politic a Generation for him; which he proved by Similes: Many Voyages, said he, make an expert Seaman; many Offices, a Crafty Knave; and many Marriages, a Cunning False Widow.   

13,  
A Justice of Peace overtaking a Parson upon the Road, between London and Bow, told his Company that he would put a Trick upon him: and so coming up to him, said, Sir, You don't follow your Master's Rule, for he was content with an Ass, but you have a very fine Horse: The Parson replied, the reason was, because the King had made so many Ass' justices, that a Clergyman could not get one to Ride on.   

14.  
A young Gentleman of the Temple, left a Note in the Key hole of his Chamber-door, thus, I am gone to the Devil; but if you cannot Read, carry it to the Stationers at the Gate, and he will do it for you.   

15.  
A Rich Man, in the Country, who was never thought to be one of Solomon's Offspring, went with his Wife to see a Child of his at Nurse: when he came, he very wisely asked the Nurse whether she was a Maid or Married? she replied, she was Married: says he, I'll have no Married Woman, I'll have a Maid to be my Child's Wet-Nurse; Truly Sir, says she, than you had best bespeak one at London, for we have no such ready made here in the Country.   

16.  
A Valiant Fellow who had been in the West, was met by a Gentleman here, who asked him what Exploit he had done there? he answered, That he had cut off one of the Rebels Arms: the Gentleman replied, That it had been something if he had cut off his Head, O said he, you must consider his Head was off before.   

17.  
When Metellus Nepos asked the famous Roman Orator, in a jeering way, who was his Father? he replied, Your Mother has made that Question harder for you to Answer,   

18.  
A Rich Blade, that was a very great Eater, came to a Gentleman's House to Court his Daughter: the Gentleman out of Civility, desired him to stay and Dine with him, which he did, and Eat very heartily: After Dinner, he began to speak to the Lady about the matter, and having uttered several Expressions of his Passion; he protested that he loved her as his own Soul; to whom she wittily replied, But not so well as your Body, Sir.   

19  
A Gentleman coming into London out of the Country, as he came by Stepny Church his Horse threw him, which a young Gentlewoman seeing, fell a Laughing: the Gentleman being angry that she jeered him, said: Pray admire not at this, Madam, my Horse always stumbles when he sees a Whore. To which she answered merrily, Have a care then, Sir; for if you ride into the City, you'll break your Neck.   

20.  
A sharping Scholar of King's College in Oxford, being in the Kitchen, and seeing the Cook take up a Plumb-pudding out of the Pot, watching his opportunity, while the Cook's back was turned; he whipped up the Pudding into his own Chamber: which the Cook presently missing, runs up into the Scholar's Chamber, and searched all about for it, but could not find it; the Scholar swore it was not in his Chamber (though the Cook smelled it) for he had ingeniously hung it out of his Window, which when the Cook was gone, he pulled in, and eat as ingeniously.   

21.  
One desiring a pretty Maid to go to a Gentleman and Kiss him, Nay Sir (says she very wittily) I'll nev're go to Market for that Ware which I can have brought home to my Door.   

22.  
At the Battle of Newport, the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him, and the Sea behind him, said to his Soldiers, Gentlemen, if you have a mind to live, you must do one of these two things; either eat those Spaniards, or drink up this Sea.   

23.  
A London Scrivener dying in Cambridg, a merry Fellow writ thus over him: Know all Men by these presents, That I that have bound so many, am now bound fast myself, by a Gentleman of an Ancient Family, whose Name's Mr. Death, who brought me my last Sheet, and to my last full Point. And though I was never Guilty of any great Wickedness, yet I often made many a Blot, which my Daughter Pen was the occasion of: I gave no bad Example to any, but good Copies to all: I was not unlearned neither, because I always dealt in good Letters, and was a Justice of Peace in my own Dominions; and though I could not hang (except an Arse sometimes, when my own money was to be Paid) yet I could draw: I made all Bondmen but my Apprentices, for those I made Free: And after I had finished all my Letters, this Mr. Death threw some dust upon 'em, and as I was making Bonds, assaulted me with Bills, and at last Sealed the Letters of my Eyes quite up, and then sent me away to my long-home.   

24.  
A Welshman that was condemned to be Hanged, just before he was to be turned off, the Hangman asked him if he had any thing to say; he answered he had a desire to speak with some of his Countrymen, before he died (if there were any there) so the Hangman called to know if there were any there he should hold up his Hand. It so happened that there was one there, so the Hangman told him that the poor Man would speak with him; so he drew near, and the Welshman asked him if he knew such and such in Wales, he replied he did; Then, says the Welshman, You know my Father and Mother, who I am certain will be very sorry to hear of my Misfortune; but pray, to comfort them, tell them that I die a very good Christian, and am informed that I shall go to Heaven, and I hope they will follow me thither the same way.   

25.  
When Charles the Bald was Emperor and King of France, one johannes Eringen, a Scotchman, for his great Learning had the honour to sit at Table with the Emperor; but being very ungentiel in his behaviour, the Emperor asked him, Quid interest inter Scotum & Sotum? Which in English is, What's the difference between a Scot, and a Sot? To which he readily, (but rudely) answered, Mensa, that is, The Table: thereby calling the King Sot, by craft.   

26.  
Another time this johannes, who was but of little Stature, dined at the King's Table, with two other Scholars who were tall men. The Emperor set him a Dish with two great Fishes, and one small one, bidding him divide them between himself and the two Scholars; whereupon johannes took the two large Fishes, and laid them on his own Plate, and gave the small one to the two Scholars. The Emperor smiling, said, In faith, Mr. Johannes you are no equal Divider: That's your Highness' mistake (said he) and pointing to himself and the two great fishes, said, Here are two great, and one little; and on the other side, is one little, and two great.   

27.  
One going in the dark, held both his Arms out to save his face, and coming accidentally against the Door, which it seems stood slanting out, he hit his Nose a good blow against it, Hey ho, says he, I never thought my Nose was longer than my Arms till now; but if ever I go in the Dark again, I'll have a Candle in my hand.   

28.  
A noted Country Gentleman blaming a Comical Poet for bringing a lewd debauched Ruffian on the Stage, and so gave bad Example to young men, Truly, Sir, said he, I brought such man on, but I hanged him before he went off, and so gave them a good example.   

29.  
An Englishman and his Wife lodging at a Frenchman's House in Paris, the Englishman's Wife cried out in the night; so he ran up stairs to acquaint the Midwife who lay there, of his wives Condition, and went down to inform his Landlord and Landlady of it; so he stood by their bedside shivering in his shirt, for it was in a cold winter night; but could not speak French and so had much a do to make them understand him; at last he did: his Landlady pitying him, said to her Husband, Prithee, my Dear, let him come into Bed to us, and lie till day light, seeing it is so cold, and that he cannot in Civility go into his own Chamber; you need not fear any thing since you are in Bed with me: so he consented to it, and the Englishman came and lay down on the other side of the Woman; the Frenchman being tired soon fell fast asleep, the Englishman presently grew warm, and began to Caress the French-woman; the motion of the Bed, which was caused by their amorous Engagement, waked her Husband, he called out, Wife, Wife, What are you doing? Why, what would you have me do, said she, if I should speak to him, you know he can't understand a word of our Language.   

30.  
A Country Gentleman being at Dinner in London, with several Gentlemen of his acquaintance, one of them whose Name was Chambers, thinking to put a Joque upon him, asked him why he would not live in London in the Winter, where he might find all sorts of Company to fit his Humour, I would Sir, says he, if I could find a House fit for my turn. Says Chambers, I can help you to one that has three Rooms of a Floor, but 'tis built of Wood Where is it, says the Gentleman? Says he, at Tyburn; 'Tis true indeed, says the Gentleman, 'tis a convenient House, and stands in a good Air; for it will quickly Cure a Man of all Diseases, and for a House that is but one Storyhigh, 'tis a very good one, and wants nothing in it but Chambers.   

31.  
An extravagant young Heir, having sold all his Lands to maintain his Debauchery, fell Sick and sent for a Physician; who perceiving that his Distemper arose from ill Humours, contracted by his Intemperunce, ordered him to be let Blood, and coming to see it, he told him it was very green. Alas Sir, says he, how can it be otherwise, when I have Eaten up all my Meadows and Cornfields.   

32.  
A Doctor of Divinity that had a good Estate, and no Child, resolved to make himself memorable to posterity, by some public Charity; and so ordered a cause-way to be made to a Market-Town, for the security of Travellers in the Fenny Country. As the Labourers were at Work, the Doctor being there to oversee them, a Nobleman came by, who had no great esteem for Men of his Coat, and said jearingly, Doctor, for all the Cost you have been at, I don't think this is the way to Heaven. I am of your Mind (quoth the Doctor) for then I could not have expected to meet your Lordship here.   

33.  
A Quaker being in Bed with his Wife, in the middle of the Night she pulled him, saying thus, Awake, Ebenezer, awake: What sayest thou the Wife of my Bosom, says he? Arise quickly, says she, and go into the next Room, and nigh unto the place that pays Tribute to Caesar, there standeth a Wicker-Chair, thereon hangeth my Red Petticoat; take from thence two Farthings, and go to our Friend Theophilus, the Tallow-Chandler, and buy therewith two Candles; light one of them, and spring in hastily, for I fear our youngest Son Aminadab has Beshit himself.   

24.  
A Nun reading at the bottom of a Book, it is good to know all things, was resolved to try a Man; but turning over she found, but not to use them, at which she was not a little troubled to be so soon deprived of her so delectable expected enjoyment.   

25.  
A Constable carrying a big bellied wench before a Justice, said to him; An't please your Worship I have brought you a Maidwith with Child: whereupon the wench called him Fool and Knave; being reproved by the Justice, she answered thus: Sir, this Constable must be one of them; for if I am a Maid, he is a Fool to think I can be with Child: and if I am not with Child, he is a Knave for saying so.   

36.  
Two Gentlemen quarrelling, the one gave the other a Challenge to meet him at six a Clock the next morning at such a place upon his Honour: Hang Honour, says the other, for we both are but Worshipful; and you know 'tis not my custom, and I know 'tis not yours neither, to rise before Eleven or Twelve a Clock; therefore pray let us consider whether we should break our Rest to break our Limbs. The other told him, If he did not meet him, he'd Post him: Well, said he to him, if you do, I'll ride Post out of Town, and stay there till your fury's over.   

37.  
a Oxford Scholar going along Fleetstreet, was met by a huffing Fop, who thrusting between the wall and him, jostled him almost to the Kennel, saying (with a no Sir Courtly-Face) I don't use to give the Wall to every Saucy Loggerhead: To whom the Scholar, with Cap in hand, replied smartly, But I do.   

38.  
A Proper Tall Gentleman that had married a very little Woman to his Wife, being asked the reason of it, he replied, That of all Evils, it was always the best to choose the least.   

39  
A Sergeant kneeling before the King, to have a Bill signed, being troubled with the Wind Colic; gave vent to his Posteriors in three or four loud Vollies: the King hearing, smileingly says: I never understood till now that a Sergeant had authority to let go a Prisoner, it being against the Law. An't please your Majesty, says the Sergeant, he was a turbulent Rogue, and crept through the Keyhole, and necessity has no Law.   

40.  
A Country man coming up to London, a little after the rebuilding of it, to see a Friend who made great Complaint of his own particular loss, as well as of the loss of so stately a City: As for your own loss, says the Country man, I am very sorry for it, but as for the loss of your City, I can't tell what to say; for who would be troubled to have a good new suit for an old one?   

41.  
Cardinal Woolsey being to pass through St. Paul's Church, his Gentleman went before, to make a way for him, and coming to a poor Priest kneeling at Prayers in the way, he said to him, Room for my Lord Cardinal's Grace: No says he, the Pope is not dead yet, what should he do there? remove out of your place, says he, to make way, why says he? do you think My Lord will take my place.  
An Arch Wag speaking of the late dreadful Fire of London, said, Cannon-street roared, Wood-street was burnt to Ashes, Bread-street was burnt to a Coal, Pie-Corner was over-baked, and Snow-hill was melted down.   

43.  
A Man Thatching a House in the Country, and the Thatch being loose under him, his Feet slipped, and still as he found himself falling, catching hold of the Thatch which failed him, he cried Lord bless me, Lord help me, etc. but coming to the Ridge of the House, and seeing what a great way it was to the ground; Z— ds, says he, what a confounded fall am I like to have.   

44.  
An old Gentleman was chid by a neighbour for marrying a young Girl; to whom he replied, She'll be a Woman to morrow; for, says he, Wives are young men's Mistresses, Middled-aged men's Companions, and old men's Nurses; and will you blame a man to have a Nurse in his old Age? No, says he, I don't blame you for having a Nurse, but for your not Providing for Heaven; but that your Wife must do, for says he, Don't you know whether all Cuckolds go? O, says the old Gentleman, Now you put me in mind on't, 'tis true; for I have heard your Wife say some years ago, That she was sure her husband would go to Heaven; and now I find which way; and mum for that, my dear neighbour too.   

45.  
A certain Woman brought a man before the Duke of Milan, and accused him for killing her Son, complaining of her great loss by it, saying that nothing in the World was so dear to her; The poor man excused himself as well as he could, telling his Excellency that he did not design to hurt her Son; but that the head of his Hatchet flew off, as he was cleaving some Wood, and bit him accidentally on the head, and proved his Death: Well says the Duke to the Woman, I am willing that thou shouldst have all the reasonable satisfaction in the World, therefore, for repairing thy loss: he shall lie with Thee and get thee such another Son: which stopped the woman's mouth, that she went away without speaking a word more, and never troubled the man afterwards.   

46.  
A Highwayman being to be hanged in a Country Town, Order was sent to the Carpenter to make a Gallows; which he neglecting to do, the Execution was forced to be deferred, for which the Judge was not a little angry, who sending for the Carpenter, asked him why he had not done it? Why Sir, said he, I have done two or three already, but was never paid for them; but had I known it had been for your Worship, I would have left all other business to have done it.   

47.  
A Scotchman going along the street, jostles a Gentleman, The Gentleman said to him, Goddamn you. The Scotchman replied, God bless you Sir, may neither of them light.   

48.  
One asked a Gentleman if he'd venture any thing at the Lottery this Fair, and what he won, his Wife should have for her fairing? No, says the Gentlemen, for there's not one in forty has any luck but Cuckolds; which his sweet Wife hearing, said, Dear Husband, pray venture, for I'm sure you'll have good luck.   

49.  
A Cambridge Scholar crossing King James' Steed, when he was riding a Hunting: The King was in a great Passion at it, and rid after him with his drawn Sword, and being going to cut him over the Pate: the Scholar said to him, Pray Sir, don't Knight me till my Elder Brothers Dead: for I am but a younger Brother: at which witty saying, the King was pacified and pleased, and gave him a Guinney for his ingenuity.   

50.  
A silly Fellow hearing a Lady's servants call her Madam, at every word, he thought to be more mannerly than they, and therefore made an Addition of Mistress, to it, saying, Mistress Madam, an't please your Ladyship.   

51.  
The late engenious Bishop Wilkins having in his juvinal days written a Book, entitled the World in the Moon, wherein he allotted Land to several Princes in the World, and particularly a considerable quantity to our late King. After Dinner one day the K. having a mind to be merry, said to the Bishop, I have seen a Book of yours wherein you allot me a great deal of Land in the World in the Moon; now it being so far off, and troublesome to look after, I will sell it you if you please; to whom the Bishop replied, I thank your Majesty, but I don't care to meddle with Crown Lands.   

52.  
At another time the Countess of Newcastle being a whimsical Lady, asked this Bishop Wilkins, how she should get up into the World in the Moon which he had discovered: For says she, it must certainly be a very great journey thither, and unless one can rest by the way, it is impossible to get thither: Oh Madam says the Bishop, your Ladyship has built so many Castles in the Air, that you may rest in one of them.   

53.  
One that had a confounded Scold to his Wife, being continually tromented with the perpetual Clack of her Tongue, wished one day, That she was in Heaven; she knowing thereby that he had a mind to be rid of her, in a great rage told him, she had rather see him hanged first.   

54.  
A Lords Son in the North, that was much addicted to the Pleasures of Venus, haunted all the pretty Girls thereabouts, but especially one above the rest, that was a very handsome Maid, and a Farmer's Daughter who was his Father's Tenent; which gave him the more liberty of Courting her; and having inpertuned her very much, yet she would not grant: At last he promised her Marriage, and thereby had the pleasure of Enjoyment: But his Father and Mother fearing that he would make up a Match with the Farmer's Daughter, by going so often thither, sent to another Lord that lived five Miles off, to Treat with him for his Daughter, who was a pretty Woman also, for his Son. So they soon agreed, and the Marriage day was appointed, and the Young Blade was Riding with his Man to the Bridehouse; but the Farmer and his Daughter had way laid him. The Farmer asked him, What satisfaction he should have for the wrong he had done his Daughter? Well, says he, There's forty Guinneys for you, and I'll give you a Bond, to make it up a hundred Pounds, to be paid in three Months, if you'll be contended. So the Bond was making under the Hedge, and the People at the Bridehouse admiring at his stay, sent one to see; who when he came, found him Indenting with the Farmer and his Daughter under the Hedge. So when he had done, he Rid away to the Bridehouse as fast as he could Gallop, and soon after was married to the Lady; and when they were a bed together, he began to Kiss her: Pray, says she, resolve me one Question first: What made you under the Hegd with the Farmer & his Daughter so long? Why says he, that does not concern you at all Well, says she, I will know, or else you and I shall be at a distance. Why then, says he, if you won't be angry, I'll tell you. Well, I will not, says she, let it be what it will. Why then, says he, I got the Farmer's Daughter with Child, and she was such a Fool to tell her Father of it. So she was by my Troth, says she, for my Father's Man got me with Child above a Twelvemonth ago, and you are the first that ever I told of it.   

55.  
The Bishop of Mentz, had a merry Fellow to his Tenant, who was deep in Arrears for Rent, to whom the Bishop sent his Steward, who told him that unless he took more care to pay his Rent, the Bishop would take a Course with him; to whom the Fellow replied, he did not value the Bishop, for he knew how to keep out of his Clutches: Why, says the Stward, you must go out of the Bishopwrick then, no replied the Fellow, I wont; for I have forty lurking places about the Diocese where he will never find me: where can they be, I beseech you, says the Steward, why there's one in every Church, says he; Then he'll quickly find you out, says the other, for he's there once a Week at least. O but, says the Fellew, I'll hide myself in one of the Pulpits, where I'm sure he won't come in haste.   

56.  
An Ignorant Fellow, having got in to be a Reader in a Countrey-Church; the first Chapter of Matthew being appointed to be Read, which contains the Genealogy, and is full of hard Names: He began with Abraham begat Isaac, and so read on three or four more, till he was quite nonplused; but casting his Eyes forward, And so, says he, they begat one another to the end of the Chapter.   

57  
A Knight in Northampton Shire, that had three Sons, and no great Estate, told his youngest Son that he must needs bind him an Apprentice, and bid him choose his Trade. The Boy being of a smart and ingenious temper, told his Father he'd be a Tanner. Push, says he, that's a nasty Trady: That's true, says he; but yet 'tis the most convenient Trade for me of any; because you have but a little to give me, and three Hides will set me up. What Hides are those, says his Father? Why Sir, Replied the Boy, Yours and my two Brothers.   

58.  
An Impudent Fellow having several Indictments brought against him, the Judge seeing the Notoriousness of his Crimes, said, Sirrah, if you bened Hanged, I'll be Hanged for you: To whom the Rogue replied, I thank your Honour, for your kind Offer; pray be not out of the way when that time comes.   

59  
A Gentleman of Lincolns-Inn, hearing of the Death of his Father, in the Country was not a little concerned, as not knowing how he had left his Estate. An Intimate Friend of his seeing him, said, Cheer up, Jack; if your Father has left you a good Estate, you have no great cause to grieve; and if he has given you nothing, who'd grieve for such a Father?   

60.  
A Ranting Bully Drinking a Health to a Sober Man, he refused to Pledge him; upon which he wished this Curse might light upon him. That in a dark and cold Rainy Night, he were set upon a tired jade, bore Ridged, in a dirty Lane, with a Pocky Whore behind him, and his own Bones rotten, and seven Miles from any House, not knowing one step of the way, and with never a Penny in his Purse, both Hungry and Thirsty. Hold Sir, says the Man, there's enough already: I thank you for your good wishes; but hope in a little time you'll enjoy 'em all yourself.   

61.  
An Arch Fellow in Oxford, took a great many Ram's horns in his Basket, and went about the City with them, crying, Fair Cherries in Winter; this made many People call to him, and amongst the rest a Lawyer, who seeing his Ware, laughed at him, saying, You Fool, who do you think will buy your Horns of you? O Sir, replied he, Though you are provided, yet I may meet with some that are not.   

62.  
A Gentleman told his Cook that he would dine on a Venison Pastry, and so ordered him to provide one; which he did, with two or three other dishes preliminary to it. So when the dinner was ready, he brought it up in order; the first dish was a good Surloin of Beef, which he set upon the Table before the Gentleman, which as soon as the Cooks back was turned, he took and threw out of the Window; then the Cook brought up the second Course, which was a Leg of Mutton and Colly-flowers, which he sent out of the Window after the other; then the Cook brought up the Venison Pastry, and threw it out of the Window, after the other two dishes; which his Master storming at him for, asked him the reason of it, says he, I thought your Worship intended to dine below, because you sent the dishes down.   

63.  
Two Persons who had no great kindness for one another, were invited to dinner together with a Knight, who had a mind to be merry. Now they were both pretty witty; but one was slovenly, and the other spruce and neat: the spruce man was there first, and when the other came, he ran to the door to salute him and conduct him in, and thinking to make a Jest on his uncourtly habit, started back, saying, I thought to have met a worthy Doctor; but I doubt in his stead I accost a Butcher. The Doctor (who very well understood Repartees) answered, Sir, I can't blame you for being surprised, because 'tis natural for horned Beasts to dread the Butcher: which to one married under Capricorn, was a very close Repartee.   

64.  
One held a Paradox, that Wise Men were the greatest Liars; for says he, the Proverb says, Children and Fools speak Truth.   

65.  
A certain Person speaking unseemly Words before a Gentlewoman, she asked him what Profession he was of? Madam, says he, I am a Civil Lawyer. Alas, Sir, replied she then, If Civil Lawyers are such rude People, I wonder what other Lawyers are.   

66.  
Socrates being asked Why he suffered so much brawling from his Wife: says he, Why do you suffer so much kackling of your Hens? Because they lay Eggs, says he. And I from my Wife, replied Socrates, because she bears Children.   

67.  
At a Market Town in Somersetshire, there lived a Quaker that was a Barber, to whom the Parson of the Parish came, demanding fifteen Shillings of him for Tithe; The Quaker told him he owed him none, nor none would he pay him: He told him it was his due, and if he would not give it him by fair means, he'd make him do it by foul. The Quaker asked him for what it was due? he told him for Preaching and Reading Divine Service, and other Ministerial Duties in the Church: Why, says the Quaker, I never came there: You might if you would, says the Parson, the Door stands open. Soon after the Quaker hearing that he was suing him for the money, enters an Action also against the Parson for fifteen Shillings; the Parson hearing of it, went and asked him how he came to owe him fifteen Shillings? he told him for Triming. Why, says the Parson, I was never Trimmed by you in my life: You might if you would, said the Quaker, my Door stands open.   

68  
A Doctor of Physic in Oxford that used to salute every one he met, with these Words, I am very glad to see you well; A Student, a Gentleman of good quality, whom he so greeted, told him ingeniously, He believed he lied, for the World went ill with him when People were well.   

69.  
One persuaded a Man to hang his Dog that had done some mischief, I am loath to hang him, says he, but I'll go amongst his Neighbours and give him an ill-name, and that is as bad.   

70.  
A French Captain having been a long time closely Besieged in a place where for four months he eat nothing but Horseflesh; at length being relieved, he repaired to his former Mistress, thinking to enjoy the same dalliances and caresses that he was formerly blessed with; But she having been informed how he had fared since his departure; Hold, says she, Monsieur; for though I have a mind to be gotten with Child, yet I am resolved never to be gotten with Colt.   

71.  
A covetous Tradesman had a mind to be married, but was afraid of the charge of having Children too fast; at last he resolved to be married, and agreed with his Wife that they would lie together but once a Fortnight; and, says he, I intent to get every Fortnight a joint of the Child from Head to Foot; so by that device we shall not have too many Children: But I do it, my Dear, to ease thee in the bearing of them, which you know, would be no small trouble to you. After Marriage, it seems he lay with her the first Night, and I can't tell how it came about, but at forty Weeks end she was brought to bed of a brave Boy. Why how now Wife? says he, this is not according to my Expectation: Yes Husband, says she, but I may thank good Neighbours, or else for aught I know we might have had a deformed Child.   

72.  
The King of Spain coming into one of his chief Cities, the Mayor came to make a Speech, and began thus: When the King of Peace road to Jerusalem; but being dashed out of Countenance, he said again, When the King of Peace road to Jerusalem; and so the third time, but could not proceed: Then the King turning to his Courtiers, said, We may easily imagine this Man to be an Ass by the Consequent.   

73.  
Mr. Philemon Holland having Translated several Books, as Plutarch, Pliny, Livy, Cambden, etc. at length he Translated Suetonius Tranquillus into English; upon which, an ingenious Blade writ this Distich on him: 
Phliemon with Translations doth so fill us.  
He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus.    

74.  
A Gentleman going into a Church in London, when they were chanting Sternhold's and Hopkin's Psalms, which are not the most Melodious in the World, the Words were these, Have mercy upon us Miserable Sinners: Ay, (says he) they might as well have said, Have mercy upon us Miserable Singers.   

75.  
Two Sparks standing together in the cloisters, seeing a pretty Lady pass by, says one of them. There goes the handsomest Lady that ever I saw in my Life: She hearing him, turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, Sir, I would I could in way of Requital say as much of you: Faith, says he, so you may, and Lie as I did.   

76.  
A Poor man in Smithfield having a mind to bind his Son to a Butcher; but being solicitous to get a Master of whom he might learn his Trade well, he asked his Friend, who was an Ingenious Gentleman, and had great Acquaintance, to whom he should Bind him? O, says he, there is a Physician hard by you, Bind him to him; for he kills more than all beside in the Town.   

77.  
A Gallant, Dining at a Friend's House, had promised a Lady to meet her in the Afternoon; but being engaged after Dinner at Cards, could not fairly get away; wherefore he called his Boy, and sent him to the Lady to excuse him; whispering him in the Ear, that whatever Answer the Lady returned, he should tell it him as if it were from a Man; that the Company might not know. So the Boy went on his Errand, and a little after returned to his Master, who asked him aloud before the Company, What was the Gentleman at home? Yes Sir, answered the Boy: Well, what said he to you: He said, Sir, you might appoint any other time: What was he doing, says the Gentleman? He was putting on his Hood and Scarf, to go to Mass, says the Boy, which discovered the Intrigue, and set them all a Laughing.   

78.  
A Woman ask her Husband for some Money to buy a broad Silver and Gold Lace, to put on her Petticoat, he replied thus to her, If I once make you a Goldfinch, you will prove a Wagtail all your Life after.   

79.  
One that was a great Eater, sitting down to Supper, complained that he had lost his Stomach, Well says a merry Fellow that was there, If a Poor Man has found it, he will be utterly undone.   

80.  
A Bishop being informed by his Steward of the greatness of his Expense, that it was over proportionable to his Estate; and that particularly the number of his Servants was too great: The Bishop ordered him to draw up a Note, of such as were necessary, and such as were not; which being done, he Summoned all his Servants together, and reading the Note, separated them; and then said, These I have need of, and therefore they must continue; those have need of me, and therefore they must continue also.   

81.  
Just after the late King's Restauration, when going to Church came to be in fashion, an old Woman was advised by her Neighbours to go to Church; for fear of being Presented, she was resolved to go once a month to save her Bacon: So Dressing herself very fine, she came into the Church just at the Expiration of the Litany, and the Parson having said, Lord have Mercy upon us, and then the People Responding thereunto; she Cried out aloud, I never was here before in my Life, and since you make such a Wonderment at it, I will never come again.   

82.  
Two Gentlemen walking in Cheapside, in Oliver's time, saw the Sign of the Golden-Cross; One of them proffered to lay two Bottles of Wine with the other, that he would make the master of the Shop pull down the Sign: The Wager being laid, he pulls off his Hat, and makes half a dozen Legs to the Sign, first on one side, and then on the other, which the Master of the Shop seeking, thinking to prevent his future Superstition, suddenly pulled down his Sign, whereby the Gentleman won his two Bottles of Wine.   

83.  
A Minister finding his Parishioners to be Ignorant, was resolved to Examine and Instruct them at home; so going to an Ancient Woman's House, amongst other Questions, he asked her how many Commandments there were? She told him she could not tell: He told her there were Ten: Whereat she replied, A jolly Company! God Bless you and them both together: Well, but Neighbour (says he) Do you think you can keep these Commandments? Ah! God Bless you, Sir, (said she) I am a poor Woman, and can hardly keep myself; I hope you will not put me to the Charge of keeping any of the Commandments for you.   

84.  
Going to another of them, he asked her, who made her? She Replied, She did not know: A Child standing by, he asked him the same Question, who Answered, God; whereupon the Parson Reproving the Old Woman, told her it was a shame that she should be so Ignorant, who had lived to those Years, and that little Child could tell Marry, quoth she, I am old Woman, and have been made a great while, and he was made but t'other day; he may well tell who made him.   

85.  
A Quaker went to sell a Horse in Smithfield, a Chapman who looked on the Horse, complained of his Head; Quoth the Quaker, He that made that Head, won't learn of thee to make Heads. Why Friend, says the other, may I not speak of thy Horses faults if I see them? Nay, said he▪ for he sees none in thee, why shouldst thou see any in him. The Man was so taken with the bluntness of the Quaker, that he bought his Horse; which, as he had told him before, was stark blind.   

86.  
Two Gentleman Riding on the Road, espied at a distance an old Woman a doing her necessary occasion, by a Hedge side; one of them offered a Bottle of Wine, that she would turn and see what she had done; they agreed on the Wager, and she accordingly did. Well, says the Loser, I'll ask her why she did so when I come to her; then Riding up to her, Well, good Woman, said he, I see you have been Evacuating yourself; Did you so? quoth she, you see no more with your Eyes, than you may carry away in your Mouth. But pray Mrs. said the Gentleman, what made you look back on it, when you had done? To see if there were enough for you Both, Sirs, replied she.   

87.  
A Young Esquire, who had more Money than Wit, Travelling into Spain to a University, where a Man might be made a Doctor for Money, had a mind to take his Degrees; so for his better Reception, he invited the Doctor of the Chair to Supper, where being a little flushed with the expectation of his new Honour, he asked the Doctor if he would take Money to make his Horse a Doctor too? Yes, says he, I may make a Horse a Doctor, as well as an Ass; and so by consequence your Horse as well as yourself.   

88  
An Impertinent Fellow told a Gentleman, that he was mad for doing a thing with less Judgement than he ought to have done, and that he ought to be sent to Bedlam to be cured of Frenzy; and went on at that rate, till the Gentleman wittily answered, That he admired as much, why (as in every Commonwealth there was provided a Bedlam for Madmen) there was never any place allotted for Fools.   

89.  
A merry Archer coming into the Market on a Market day, necked an Arrow as if he intended to Shoot, and said, with a loud Voice, Now have at a Cuckold. A Woman thinking he aimed that way, and her Husband being by her, cries out, Stand away Husband, stand away Husband: Why you silly Jade (says he) I am no Cuckold, am I? No, no, (quoth she) but who knows how a confounded Arrow may glance?   

90.  
A Farmer in Essex, who for his Means was made a Knight, and his Wife thereby growing very Gallant and Fine; a Jocose Gentleman told his Worship, That he did not do well, in spoiling a Good Wife, to make a Madam.   

91.  
A merry Gentleman seeing a great Dish of Broth brought to the Table, with a little Chop of Mutton in the middle of it, began hastily to unbutton his Doublet: one ask him the meaning of it; I mean (says he) to swim through this Sea of Pottage, to that Island of Mutton.   

92.  
A merry Fellow Riding with his Master, he desired to ask him a Question; his Master knowing him to be a jocose witty Rogue, gave him leave: Why then, Sir, said he, you see a Horse and an Ass yonder feeding together: now suppose you were forced to be a Beast, which of those two would you be? You Fool, said the Master, I would be a Horse, as being the nobler and more generous Creature: I am of another Opinion, said the Man, for I would be an Ass: His Master being pleased with the Humour, asked his reason? Why, said he, I have often seen an Ass Ride the Great Horse, strut briskly before his Company, be made a justice, have the honour of Knighthood conferred on him, and often Elected Mayor of a Corporation; but I never knew a Horse capable of any of these Preferments.   

92.  
An Ignorant Country Fellow coming along Paternoster-Row, had occasion to change a Half-Crown into small money, and looking over a Grate which stood on the Stall, there sat a large Monkey, whom he prayed to change his money; the Monkey took it, and put it into the Till of the Compter, where he had observed money to be put, and then came and Grinned at the Man; who being in a passion, made a noise at the Door, whereat the man of the Shop, coming into the Shop, asked him what was the matter? Sir, said he, I gave your Son half a Crown to change, and he will not give it me again, but laughs at me, and will not give me one word of answer, though I have asked him for it many a time.   

94.  
Two Friends meeting, one being overjoyed to see the other, Hark you Sir, said he, Between you and I, my Wife's with Child. Faith, cried the other, you're a liar, for I have not seen her this twelve Months.   

95.  
Two Persons who had been formerly acquainted, but had not seen each other a great while, meeting on the Road, one asked the other how he did, he told him, He was very well, and was Married since he saw him: the other replied, That was well indeed: not so well neither, said he, for I have Married a Shrew. That's ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for I had 2000 Pounds with her. That's well again, said his Friend. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in Sheep, and they died of the Rot. That was ill indeed, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for I sold the Skins for more money than the Sheep cost. That was well indeed, quoth his Friend. Not so well neither, said he, for I laid out my money in a House and it was burned. That's very ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for my Wife was burned in it.   

96.  
One that had been very much vexed in Lawsuits, went to Tyburn one day to see the Execution, and vowed, That 'twas better to have to do with Tyburn, than Westminster Hall; for there Suits hang half a year, but at Tyburn half an hours hanging ends all.   

97.  
A young Country Esquire, who you must think never read Cook upon Littleton, etc. had a mind to borrow some money privately, for which he was to give a Bond, and hearing it run, Be it known unto all men; hay boys! says he, if all men must know it, then I'm sure it will come to my Father's Ear; therefore I will have no such Bond drawn.   

98.  
A Handsome young Widow having lately Buried an old grave Husband, called Old Simon, had been so used to a Bedfellow, that she could not sleep without one; but could endure the thoughts of none but her dear Husband; wherefore she ordered a Carver to make her Husband's Statue as near as he could; which every Night (being well warmed) had a Shirt and Nightcap put on, and was laid by her in Remembrance of her Husband, that she might, at least, embrace him in Effigy. This Trade had lasted ever since her Husband's Death, and she would not admit the Courtship of any suitor, till at last a young Gentleman who was inflamed with no small passion for her, had by the help of his Wit, and some good Angels prevailed with her Maid to lay him one Night in the place of Old Simon: So the Widow came to bed to him, and casting her hand over her dear Statue (as she thought) she felt a more agreeable warmth than usual; nay, she fancied 'twas alive and had motion; She was not frighted at it (which is not a little wonderful) but by degrees crept closer and closer to her Side-mate, till at length they were locked in mutual embraces; by which she with pleasure found that it was not her Wooden Bedfellow. In the Morning the Maid called at the Chamber-door, as she used to do; Madam, what will you please to have for Dinner to Day? she replied, Rost the Goose, and the two Pheasants that were brought in Yesterday, Boyl a Leg of Mutton and Colly-flowers, and get a good Dish of Tarts and Custards, and a Dish of good dried Fruit. Madam, says the Maid, I think we have hardly Billers enough for a quick fire. You may burn Old Simon, says she, burn Old Simon.   

99  
A young Buxom Maid, that was newly Married to an old Man (by her covetous Father for money (was very melancholy; which a merry Fellow seeing, to comfort her, said, Be of good Cheer, my pretty dear Rogue, for an old Horse will perform as good as journey as a young one, She Smirking and Sighing said, withal stroking down her Belly, But not in this Road, Sir.   

100  
A Gentleman that was a Lawyer, coming up to London, to the Term, met a plain Countryman, and after the usual Compliment, of well met, etc. says the Gentleman, Pray Friend answer me this Question, Which are the greatest Wonders in the World? To which, after a little consideration, he dryly Replied, women's and Lawyers Tongues; for, says he, they always lie, yet never lie still.   

101.  
A Gentleman Riding on the Road, overtook a young brisk Country Lass, who after some time Travelling together, consented to his Amours; the Man being conscious of what he had done, and how Prejudicial it might prove to the Maid; told her, if any thing came of their Endeavours, she should hear of him at a certain place in London: 'Tis no matter Sir, said she, I am to be married on Monday.   

102.  
An ignorant old woman in the Country, hearing a Minister Preach on the Passion of Christ, of the Cruel and Barbarous Death that the jews put him to, wept grievously; and when the Minister had done, she came to him, and asked him how long ago it was since this sad thing was done? The Minister told her it, was Sixteen hundred Years since: O then, says the Woman, being a little revived, if it be so long ago, I hope in God it may not be true.   

103.  
A brisk young Woman going to her Husband's Funeral, a Gentleman comes and whispers her in the Ear, proffering his Service in way of Courtship: She thanked him very kindly, but told him, He came too late; for says she, I was Yesterday made sure to another.   

104.  
A Citizen Travelling into the Country, came into a very good Inn, where the Master of the House was Complaisant to him, showing all his conveniencies; which were so far beyond the common Inns, that he told him, It was a House for a Nobleman; at which the Innkeeper fell into a great Passion, calling him Rascal, and abusive Fellow. The Gentleman not being pleased with his Entertainment, went to the next House in the same Town; where telling his Host the business, he informed him, That the Man had lately Broke, and Paid but a Noble in the Pound of his Debts, which had Enabled him to Build that spacious House.   

105.  
An Amorous Gentleman in Paris, Playing under his Mistress' Window with a Lute, she commanded her Servants to throw Stones at him, which he took in good part, and esteemed as a great Grace, fancying himself like Orpheus; saying, The Stones danced after his Music.   

106.  
A Wine Cooper in Mark Lane, taking a Gentleman down into his Cellar to Treat him, he finding no Seat there for him to sit on, asked him the reason of it: Why, says the Wine-Cooper, I will have no Man here Drink longer than he can stand.   

107.  
A Citizen of London had for a long time been Jealous of his Wife, mistrusting her Chastity, but had no real proof of it; till at length he resolving to have an ocular Demonstration, pretends to go into the Country, but returns the same Night; and coming into the House, looks through the Door into his Wife's Chamber, and sees a brisk Spark Caressing her in an Amorous manner. Having thus satisfied his Curiosity, he retires, resolving to discipline her the next day: So he comes to her, and after some little Discourse, taxes her with the last Night's Recreation. She denies it, and he affirms it, telling her that he saw it with his own Eyes: to which she wittily and simperingly said, What, my Dear! Won't you believe your own dear Wife, before your own Eyes?   

108.  
Two young Fellows observing a Country man go up into the Monument, went up after him, and when they came to the top, they bound him, and picked his Pocket: which as soon as ever they had done, they heard some body coming up: So being put to their Shifts, and in some danger of discovery, they made haste down, and meeting a Man, they told him, There was a pleasant Scene acting at top, between a young Maid and her Sweetheart: So the Man believing them, and being a merry Fellow, went down with them, saying, That if he could make no sport, he was resolved to spoil none, and so by this witty Stratagem the Rogues escaped with the money and the poor Countryman was left to be relieved by the next comer.   

109.  
An old Bawd being brought before a Justice of Peace, in London, for keeping a Bawdy-House, and being accused by several Witnesses, and upon probable Grounds, the Justice said in a Passion to her, You old Hag, you do keep a Debauched House, and I will maintain it: whereupon the old Jade dropped him a Courtesy, saying, I most humbly thank your Worship, I desire no better Warrant.   

110.  
A Tinker coming through Cornhill, and sounding briskly on his Kettle, Have you any Work for a Tinker? A Grocer that thought to put a Jest upon him (there being a Pillory near his Door) bid him stop those two Holes, pointing to the Pillory: to whom the Tinker smartly replied, Sir, if you will lend me your Head and Ears, I will find a Hammer and Nails, and give you my Work into the bargain.   

111.  
A modest Gentlewoman being forced by her Mother to accuse her Husband of Defect, she desired the Judge, being in Court, that she might Write her mind for Modesty's sake. So the Judge granted her request, and ordered Ink and Paper to be given her: So she took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would Write, says one of the Counsellors to her, Madam, there's no Ink in your Pen. Truly Sir, says she, that is just my Case, and therefore I need not Explain myself any further.   

112.  
Queen Elizabeth coming into a School in London, and seeing a very pert Boy, asked him how often he had been Whipped? To whom he Ingeniously answered in these words of AEneas to Queen Dido, 
Infandum Regina juber removare dolorem.   
For which she gave him a Reward.   

113.  
Another time the Queen coming into Westminster-School, had some Verses made to her Extempore, by a poor Boy: and being pleased with his quickness, she bid him make some Verses upon this, Pauper ubique jacet, which he did presently as follows: 
In Thalamis Regina tuis hac nocte jacerem,  
Si verum hoc esset, pauper ubique jacet.   
For which the Queen took special notice of him, and gave him great preferment afterwards.   

114.  
A Gentleman being in Mourning for his Father, was Riding out with some fine Ladies, who seeing his Horse have a Velvet Saddle, and Embroidered Cloth, asked him why that was not black too? O, says the Gentleman, my Horse's Father is not dead yet.   

115.  
A Country Farmer coming up to London, had a Token to deliver to his Landlord's Son, a young Gentleman of the Temple: when he came to his Chamber, he found a Note in the Keyhole, written, I am gone to the Devil: Whereupon the poor Farmer fell into a great fright, having the saddest apprehensions imaginable. Alas! said he, that ever my Landlord should send his Son to this wicked place: a fine young Gentleman that has cost his Father many a fair pound to bring him up to Learning, and that ever he should come to this Ungodly Town, in two or three months' time to go to the Devil; I dare not carry this sad evil Tidings to his Father: And as he was making these sad Lamentations, a young Student came up and told him, that the Note only meant the Devil-Tavern hard by, and that he believed he might find him there. So he went thither, and found the Gentleman, and presented his Father's Token, and then told him the extraordinary Trouble he was in, upon Reading the Note. At which the Gentleman laughed heartily, and gave the Farmer such an Entertainment, that when he came down into the Country, he told his Friends, That he never fared better in his Life, than he did at the Devil, which put them all into no small Astonishment.   

116.  
A Scholar of Oxford, having wore out the Heels of his Boots, brought them in his hands to a Cobbler, and showing him them, said, O thou curious Artificer, that hast by no small pains and study, arrived to the perfection of that exquisite Art of repairing the defects of old decayed Calcuments, affix me two Semicircles to my Suppeditors. The Cobbler stared upon him, as if he would have looked him through: but a little recovering himself, said, Before George Sir, I understand not your hard Language: but if I put on two Heel-pieces, I'll have a Groat for them.   

117.  
The same Scholar being asked by a Porter for a Gentleman's Chamber in the College, he directed him thus, you must crucify the Quadrangle, and ascend the Grades, and you will find him perambulating in his Cubicle, near the Fenester. Pray Sir, says the Porter, what is that Fenester? It is, replies the Scholar, the Diaphanous part of an Edifice, erected for the Introduction of Illumination: which so amazed the Porter, that at first he did not know what to think, till recovering himself, he went and enquired of another, who gave him plainer directions, in more intelligible terms.   

118.  
An old Usurer dying, left a good Estate to his Son, who was more lavish in the spending of it, than his Father had been careful in scraping it up: As this young Spark was riding in his Coach to Epsome, he was angry with his Coachman, for not driving faster, calling to him, saying, You Dog, if you do not make more haste, I will come and kick you to the Devil. Sir, replied the Coach man, I swear if you do, I'll there tell your Father how extravagantly you have spent his Estate.   

119.  
A Gentleman living in the Country, having some urgent business at London, and his Lady at the same time being ready to Lie in, leaves order with his Servant, a Welshman, that when his Lady was Delivered, if it were a Son, he should come to London, and acquaint him, promising him for his pains a new Suit of clothes; the Lady was in a short time after Delivered of a Daughter; however jack (unwilling to lose his Suit of clothes) goes to London, and acquaints his Master that his Lady was brought to Bed of a brave young Son: the Gentleman being overjoyed at the News, performed his Promise, and jack being well accoutred, returns to his Mistress: and in a short time after, the Gentleman returns; and meeting his Wife, wisheth her much Joy of her Son; but she alleging it was a Daughter, and he finding himself abused, order jack to be sent for; who when he came, still continued in his former saying, that it was a Son; whereupon the Child was produced, and shown to the whole Company; jack still avers it to be a Son: Why thou Fool, quoth the Nurse, if it were a Son it should have a Cock here. Cots-plut, quoth the Welshman, Is her in haste? Would her have a Cock there already? Let her keep her till her is sixteen or seventeen years old, and if her have no Cock then, Hang her.   

120.  
A brisk young Lady, seeing the Sheriff of a County, who was a comely young Man, wait upon the Judge, who was an old Man, was asked by one, which she had most mind to, the Judge, or the Sheriff? She answered, the Sheriff. He ask the reason, she replied, That she loved judgement well, but Execution much better.   

121.  
Some Soldiers in the Camp being very Lousy, complained to their Captain, who being a Jocose man, bid them turn their Shirts, and shake them, telling them that the Lice would have a days March, at least, before they could come to their Skin.   

122.  
A Handsome Country Maid coming to Croyden Market, and being very nimble, leapt off her Horse, but the Pummel of her Saddle being high, catcht hold of her Petticoat, and showed almost all that Nature gave her; which a Gentleman standing by and seeing, said, Sweetheart, you have a very clear Skin, To whom she answered briskly, Sir, if you like it so well, why did not you come and Kiss it, to take your leave on't, for you are not ever like to see it again?   

123.  
Two Scotchmen meeting about Dinner time, one asked the other to lend him sixpence; by my Troth, quoth he, I have but a Groat; Prithee Man, said he, lend me that, and I will trust you for the other Two pence.   

124.  
A young Woman having married a great Student, who was so intent on his Studies, that she thought herself too little regarded by him, and one day when they were at Dinner with some Friends, she wished herself a Book, that she might have more of her Husband's Company; If it must be so, says her Husband, I wish thou wert an Almanac, that I might change thee for a new one once a Year.   

125.  
A Gentleman alighting out of his Coach at Whitehall, asked a Foot-man that stood there, what a Clock it was? Sir, says the Footman, what will you give me? Why, replied the Gentleman, must I give you any thing to tell me that? Yes Sir, said he, for we Courtiers do nothing without money.   

126.  
Two Gentlemen discoursing over a Glass of Wine, of the Affairs of England, and of the several Classes of men therein; One of them wittily said, That in it there were neither Scholars enough, Gentlemen enough, nor jews enough. I can but admire at your openion in that, says the other Gentleman; for methinks there are rather too many of those sorts than too few. To which he replied, If there were Scholars enough, so many would not be double or triple beneficed. If Gentlemen enough, so many Peasants would not be reckoned amongst the Gentry. And if jews enough, so many Christians would never profess Usury.   

127.  
A conceited Scholar that was lately come from Oxford, Drinking with two or three Gentlemen at the Mitre-Tavern in the Poultry, was very brisk and airy, and would needs be forming of Sylogismes etc. One wise one was this, He bid them fill two Glasses of Wine, which they did: Now, says he, I will prove those two Glasses to be three, thus, Is not here one, says he? Yes, says the Gentleman. And here another, that's two, says he: Yes, says the Gentleman again. Why then, says he, one and two is three, so 'tis done. Very well, says the Gentleman, I'll have one Glass, and that Gentleman shall have the other, and you shall have the third for your pains in finding it out.   

128.  
One who had lain with his Female Servant, the next day asked her how many Commandments there were? She answered nine. Thou Fool, quoth he, hast thou lived to this Age, and knowest no better? There are ten. I know, says she, very well, there were ten Yesterday; but you and I broke one of them the last Night, so that there are but nine of them left.   

129.  
A witty, though unfortunate Fellow, having tried several Trades, and failed in them all, at last took an Alehouse, and set up the Sign of the Shirt; Writing under it, This is my last Shift; which witty Device, brought him much Company and Profit.   

130.  
A Gentleman that had never been used to Wounds, received a small Scratch with a Sword in a Tavern-Fray; at which he was sadly frighted, and sent immediately for a Chirurgeon, who coming, and seeing the Wound but slight, and the Gentleman in a great fear; for sports sake pretended great danger, and therefore sends his Man with great speed to fetch him such a Plaster: Why Sir, quoth the Gentleman, is the wound so dangerous? O Yes, replied the Arch Chyrurgeov, for if he don't make great haste, it will heal of itself, before he comes.   

131.  
A young Lady being to be sworn at Highgate; the Lord Judge asked her whether she would have a Pr—, or a Pear? A Pr— my Lord, says she, Well said Madam, says he, you speak like a Modest Lady; for some of your Sex can't be contented with a Pr— but they must have a pair.   

132.  
A Woman in the Country that had Ten Children, told her Husband that Nine of them were his, and no more; now he mistrusting the Parson of the Parish had been sweet upon her, said, Well, Wife, I'll keep the Nine, but I never denied the Clergy their due, and so will not begin now; for the Parson shall have the Tenth for his Tithe, it being rightly due to him.   

133.  
Parson Bull coming to visit one Mr. Hide. Hide said smiling, Bull, where are your Horns? Sir, replied Bull, they always go with the Hide.   

134.  
A Country man coming through Cheapside with Hob nails in his Shoes, and treading in a slippery place, his Heels flew up; which a Citizen taking notice of in his Shop, said to the Fellow, How now, Friend? You see our City stones are so proud, they scorn to let a Countrey-Clown tread on them. Ha! says the Countryman, as proud as they are, I made them kiss my Arse.   

135.  
A Scotchman having found an extra-ordinary large Turnip in his Garden, which is a Root that Scotchmen love very well,) came and presented it to King james; who being pleased with the humour of the Man, gave him a hundred Pounds. A Courtier seeing this, thought with himself, thus, if the King regards a Turnip so much, and rewards the Giver of it so nobly, how much more nobly will he reward me for a greater present. So he presented the King with a curious Race Horse, which when the King received, he said to his Nobles, what shall I give to this man for his present, and when they were all silent, says the King, By my Soul man I will give thee the Turnip.   

136.  
A Welshman that was condemned to be hanged, had the benefit of the Clergy granted to him, and so was burnt in the Hand; which when it was doing, they bid him say, God bless the King. Nay, says he, God bless her Father and Mother; for if they had not taught her to read, her might hwve been hanged for all the King.   

137.  
A Lady that was going to Mass, was interrupted by a Rustical Fellow that stood just in the Church Door, and hindered her going in. She prayed him to make a little way, to which he gave her a Clownish Answer, which stirred up her Passion a little, and thinking it in vain to expect any Civility from him, she said, Sir, I perceive that the Mass for Clowns and Fools is over, so that you having no more business here had best be gone. Yes Madam, says he, drily, that is over, and that for Wh—'s is just now beginning; you had best make haste in, and put in for a share.   

138.  
Another Lady going to Mass to present her Tapers, fixed one to St. Michael, and another to the Devil that was at his Feet. The Clerk seeing her, told her she did not do well to offer a a Candle to the Devil, No matter, says the Lady, 'tis good to have Friends every where; for we know not where we shall go.   

139.  
A huffing young Blade coming to Epsom, called an honest plain Countryman, that was there to hold his Horse: Can one hold him, says he? Yes, yes, says the Gallant. Then you may do it yourself, replied the Countryman, and so went away.   

140.  
A country man that was very ignorant, coming to the Arch-Bishops House, with his Rent, the Archbishop coming through the Hall, asked who ' 'twas? An't please your Worship's Honour, says the Country man, I am come to pay you your Rent; so the Arch Bishop went out; and the Servants told him, he must say, An't please your Grace; But the Archbishop coming in again, he was at, An't please your Worship's Honour; they told him he must say Grace; Must I so? says he; then putting his Hat before his Eyes, he said, The Eyes of all things, etc.   

141.  
A Quaker having took a Lodging at the Kings-Arms Inn in Holborn; the House being full, a damning Blade came up into the Room, and would have hectored him out, but the Quaker told him 'twas his Room, and by Yea, and Nay, he should not come there. The Hector began to thunder out his Oaths, and to strike him; but the Quaker being a stout Fellow, returned him his Blows with Interest, and at last very fairly kicked him down stairs, upon which the Master of the House sent up the Tapster to know what was the Cause of this noise above, he told him 't't was nothing but that Yea, and Nay had kicked God Damn down Stairs.   

142.  
A Gentleman reproving his Friend that was a married Man, for getting a Maidwith Child, saying, He admired that such a man as he would defile his Bed so: You mistake, Sir, says he, there was no defiling of my Bed in the Case, for I did it in the Fields.   

143.  
An Arch Wag ask why Monks, and Friars were called Holy Fathers, since they never Married. O replied an Ingenious Gentleman, if you consider how much the World is beholden to them for Propagation, how many swarms of young Frieslings they supply the World with, you'll see a great deal of reason for it.   

144.  
A conceited Fellow, that had an extraordinary good opinion of himself, asked his Friends what others thought of him? Why, says his Friend, The Wise think you foolish, and Fools think you wise; Now pray, What think you of yourself.   

145.  
Pope Vrban using to commend the Institution of the single Life in Priests, and to blame their using of Concubines, was wont to say, God has forbidden me to get Children, and the Devil has given us Nephews.   

146.  
Two Gentlemen that had been a great while at Law together, and had spent a great deal of Money at it, one of the gentlemen's Friends told him, That his Antagonist had removed his Suit into Chancery; Let him remove it into Hell, says he, I don't question but to get a Lawyer to follow it for Money.   

147.  
A Gentleman in Brussels talking with a Priest about Religion, asked Why they kissed the Cross more than any other piece of Wood? and what there was more in that, than in any other Trees else, that they did not kiss them? Why, said the Priest, Is not your Wife made all of the same Flesh and Blood? and what's the reason you don't kiss her backside, as well as her Mouth.   

148.  
An English Merchant at Lisbon in Spain, sold some Jews five hundred pounds worth of Gloves; but they falling off from their Bargain, would have but half of them: Well, said the Merchant, you must give me sometime to sort them, and then you shall have half; so he ordered his Man to put all the Right handed Gloves in one parcel, and the Left-handed Gloves in another. Then when the Jews came, he bid them take their Choice; which when they had done, and were packing of them up, they perceived them to be all for one hand; and so were glad to take the other parcel at the Merchants own rate.   

149.  
One standing in the Pillory at the Exchange, and his Wife being by him to bear him Company, a Gentleman that saw him, said, He believed he was a Papist, because he had his Cross with him.   

150.  
Another man hearing a Parson Preach on that Text, Take up your Cross and follow me; took his Wife upon his Back the next Sunday, and came into the middle of the Church, while the Parson was preaching, and looking up to him, said, Now Sir, I have brought my Cross, what must I do with it? The Minister being a little surprised at the humour of the Fellow, hardly knew what to say to him, but at last he bid him set it down there: Yes, that I will, says he, with all my heart, though it were in the middle of the Sea: But I say, saus he, as well as you pretend to love the Cross, mine may lie upon my hands this forty Years, before you'll ease me of it.   

151.  
A Gentleman asked on of the Female Sex, Whether she was Maid, Wife, or Widow; and bid her tell him truly: She being a little put to it, after some consideration upon this hard question, and being above twenty years old answered him thus, Though I was never married, Sir, yet you may write me down Young Woman.   

152.  
King Henry the Eighth, going once to Gravesend, took Will. Summers' his Jester with him for his diversion; the Wind being very high, it was very tempestuous; and Summers being very fearful, thought himself in great danger, and said to the King, Harry, Harry, I had rather be thy Fool by Land, than thy Companion by Water: At which the King laughed heartily.   

153.  
A Nobleman having a mind to be merry, sent for his Chaplain, and told him, That unless he could resolve him these, Three Questions, he should be discarded, and turned out of his Service; but if he could, he should have Thirty Guinneys, and the best Horse in his Stable: So he proposed the Questions to him, which were these; First, What compass the World was about? Secondly, How deep the Sea was? And Thirdly, What he thought? The Poor Chaplain was in a peck of Troubles, and did not know how to answer them, or what to say, thinking them very unreasonable Questions; so that all he could do was to desire a little time to consider upon them, which the Earl granted. So he going a long the Fields one day very melancholy, a Cobbler of the Town, a merry Fellow (who was very like the Chaplain, both in Physiognomy and Stature) met him, and asked him the reason of his sadness; which with some Reluctancy he told him: O Sir, says the Cobbler, don't be dejected, cheer up; I've thought of a device to save your Place, and get you the Money and Horse too; but you shall give me Ten Guinneys for my pains. So he agreed to't; and it was thus: Says he, I'll put on your clothes, and go to My Lord, and answer his Questions. Accordingly he went, and when he came before him, he answered him thus: To the first Question, What Compass the World was about? He answered, It was four and twenty hours' journey; and if a man could keep pace with the Sun he might easily go it in that time. To the Second, How deep the Sea was? He answered, Only a stones throw; for cast it into the deepest place of it, and in time it will come to the bottom. To the third, (which I fancy your Lordship thinks the most difficult to be resolved, but is indeed the easiest) which is, What your Lordship thinks? I answer, That you think I am your Chaplain, when as indeed I am but the Cobbler of Gloucester. The Nobleman was so pleased with his witty Answers, that he performed his Promise to his Chaplain, and gave the Cobbler Ten Guinneys for his Ingenuity.   

154.  
Says a Glazier to a Painter, I see you do all under a Colour. Get you gone, you Rogue, replied the Painter, you're always picking of Quarrels.   

155.  
A Certain King kept a Fool in his Court, that used to write down in a Book all the Follies of the great Men in the Court, which Book the King sometimes, when he was disposed to be Merry, would look into. Now one day after Dinner, the King reading of the Book, found himself in it, with a Story of five thousand Pounds, which he gave a jew in his Court, to go to Barbary and buy Horses with: So the King asked his Jester, Why he put him in, Why, says he, for giving your Money to one that you may never see, again: But says the King, What if he should return and bring the Horses, what Folly is it then? Why, if he does, replied the Fool, I'll blot out your Name, and put in his, for a Fool, for not keeping your Money when he had it.   

156.  
Two Women scolding in the Street, another of their Acquaintance came by, whom they would refer their Cases to; No, says the Woman, pray Excuse me, I won't meddle in it, but will stand Neuter: How can that be, says on of them, when you have been common to all the Town?   

157.  
Doctor Fuller, overtook one Mr. Woodcock upon the Road, falling into Discourse in a facetious manner, asked him what difference there was between a Woodcock and an Owl, (supposing Mr. Woodcock had not known him) He wittily replied, That an Owl was Fuller in the Head, Fuller in the Face, Fuller in the Eyes, Fuller in the Neck, and Fuller all over.   

A Scholar meeting a Countryman upon the Road, Rid up very briskly to him; but the Countryman out of Respect to him, was turning off his Horse to give him the Road, when the Scholar laying his Hand upon his Sword, said, 'Tis well you gave me the Way, or I'd.— What would you have done? said the Countryman, holding up his Club at him: Given it you Sir, says he, pulling of his Hat to him.   

159.  
One Reading in the Famous History of the Seven Champions, how St. George killed the Dragoon, and saved Sabra the fair Maid of Egypt, said, He admired how Men could invent such Lies; for, says he, I believe there never was any such Dragoon, or such a Man as St. George. O, says another, I can believe that, better than that there was a Maid.   

160.  
A Tallow Chandler dying, a merry Fellow said, He wondered, that he that had made so many Weeks, could make his Life no longer.   

162.  
A Lusty young Man, in Somersetshire, after he had been Married about four Months, grew very Lean and Feeble, so that he could hardly crawl along; He one day seeing a Butcher run over a Ploughed Field after a Mad-Bull, asked him the reason of it? Why, says the Butcher, it is to Tame him: O, says the Fellow, Let him be Married, let him be Married; if that don't Tame him, I'll be hanged.   

163.  
A Soldier, a merry Fellow, finding a Louse on his Sleeve, walking to take the Air, took him up by the Back, and said, I swear, if I catch you again out of your Quarters, you shall be Hanged; and so put him into the Collar of his Doublet.   

164.  
A certain Highwayman having committed a Robbery in Devonshire, was taken in Dorsetshire, making towards London, and brought before a Justice of Peace, who would not meddle with him, but would send him back into the Shire where he committed the Robbery; which a witty Country man hearing (that had been at the trouble of taking him, and was unwilling to Guard him back into the other County) desired leave to ask the Justice one Question, which he granted: Why then, says the Man, I desire your Worship to tell me, if a man be taken a-bed with your Wife to Night, whether he must be sent thither again the next night.   

165.  
A Gentleman ordered a Crane for Supper; but his Cook having a Sweetheart in a longing condition, cut off a Leg and sent her; so the one-legged Crane was set on the Table, which the Gentleman seeing, was enraged at his Cook; but he being an arch Wag, readily told the Gentleman, that Cranes had but one Leg? and avowed it with that confidence, that he gained upon his wise Master's belief; but he resolving to observe it as he was walking in the Fields one Frosty Morning, he saw a flock of Cranes, and sending for his Cook, they held up one of their Legs under their Wings, as is the custom of those birds in the cool weather; So, says his Cook, I hope your Worship is satisfied that they have but one leg; but the Gentleman going pretty near to them, cries Cush, and frighted them up. whereupon both Legs appeared; Look, says the Gentleman, they have now two Legs: Oh, says the Cook, if you had cried Cush to that in the Dish, it would have had two Legs too.   

166.  
A Gentleman losing his Watch, Complained to his his Friend of his loss; Alas, Sir, says he, all the World can't help it, Time will away.   

167.  
A Bully meeting a brisk Lady in St. Iame's Park, with her naked Breasts appearing very tempting, says to her, Madam, is that Flesh to be sold? No, replied she, no money shall buy it: Then, says he, Madam, if you won't sell you Beware, I'd wish you to shut up your Shop: Faith, Sir, says she, you may be sure I'll never let you come within my Doors: ' 'tis no matter, Madam, replied he, for I am sure they are wicked ones.   

168.  
A Person of Quality in the country, keeping a Baboon at his Door with a handsome fine Cotton; a Country Fellow brought a Letter and gave it to the Baboon, who tore it to pieces; and the Lord happening to come out, saw him do it; at which he was angry with the Fellow, and asked him why he delivered it not to him himself? Why, says the Fellow, I gave it to your Son, and he tore it: You Fool, says he, 'tis a Baboon: Indeed, says the Fellow, I thought it was your Son, he is so like you.   

169.  
A Woman having a mind to oblige her Husband, desired him to invite some of his Friends to Dinner, and they would be merry, for, says she, I have provided a curious Leg of Mutton for you: I thank you my Dear, says he, you are always very free of your Flesh to me, and every body else that has any Appetite to it.   

170.  
Some Scholars having a spite against their Master, because of his Harshness to them, resolved to play him some trick; so knowing him to be a very curious neat Man, they daubed the Rails of the Stairs with a Sir R— Now the Master coming down in the dark, laid his Hands in it, which set him into a terrible feued; so he called all the Scholars, and took them into strict Examination; but suspecting one above the rest, he was very sharp upon him, urging him to confess it, telling him he did it; the Boy utterly denied it; but the Master was the more pressing upon him: Indeed, said the Lad, with all the Asseverations imaginable, I did it not, but if you please, I'll tell you who had a hand in it: Hereupon the Master thought to have found out the Truth, and so very eagerly asked him who? Your Worship, Sir, says he: Whereupon he was dismissed, with the applause of all his Fellows, for his Ingenuity.   

171.  
A Merry Fellow in a great Storm at Sea, when all were at Prayers, Eat heartily on Salt-Beef; and being asked his reason, answered, He should Drink more that day, than ever he did in his life.   

172.  
john Taylor the Water Poet, being aboard the Ship, called, The Hector, was so Treated with Punch by the Captain, that it was easily perceived by the Seamen, who began to play upon him; whereupon john in a Poetical rage, invoked the Patron of the Ship thus, 
O Noble Hector, Valiant Son of Priam,  
Grant all these Men may be as Drunk as I am.    

173.  
A certain Knave ask a virtuous Gentlewoman, Jearingly, What was honesty? She answered, What's that to you? Meddle with those things that concern you.   

174.  
A Young Man in London being caught a bed with his Mistress, was severely reprimanded by his Uncle, who set before him the example of joseph: O, says he, if Joseph ' s Mistress had been as handsome as mine, I doubt not but he would have done as I did.   

175.  
A Gentleman that had many Children, was saying one day to his Friend, that his Wife was more Fertile than his Land. I'll give you a good reason for that, says his Friend, for if you are weary, and won't take pains to make her so, others will.   

176.  
A Witty Fellow going along Paternoster-Row, in a dark Winter Night, saw a Lantern hang out with a Candle in it, which he had a mind to, to light him home; but as he had climbed up to it, and was just going to untie it, the Maid of the House saw him, and asked what he meddled with the Lantern for? I beg your Pardon, says he, Sweetheart, I only went to snuff the Candle, that I might see to go along.   

177.  
Two Gentlemen riding from Barnet to London, met a Miller riding softly on his Sacks; and they being merrily disposed, had a mind to abuse the Miller; so one went on one side of him, and the other on the other, and having Rid so a little way with him, they prayed him to resolve them one Question, Whether, says they, art thou more Knave or Fool? True, replied the Miller, I don't know which I am most, but I think I am between both.   

178.  
Mr. Randolph, the Great Wit of Cambridg, coming to London, had a mind to see Ben Jonson, who was Drinking at the Devil Tavern with Mr. Drayton, Mr. Daniel, and Mr. Silvester, three famous Poets of that Age; he being loath to intrude into their Company, and yet desiring to be called in, peeped in at the Door several times, till at last Mr. johnson perceiving him, said, Come in, john Bopeep: which he did: and when the Reckoning came to be paid, which was Five Shillings, they agreed among themselves that he that made the best Extempore Verles, should be excused from paying any thing, and the other four should pay it all; so every one made his Verses, and when it came to Mr. Randolph's turn, he made these: 
I John Bopeep, to you four Sheep,  
With each one his good Fleece;  
If you are willing to pay your five Shilling,  
'Tis fifteen Pence a piece.    

179.  
Ben johnson and Silvester being very merry one day at the above named Tavern, began to rhyme upon one another; so Silvester began thus: 
I Silvester  
Lay with your Sister.   
To whom Ben-Iohnson answered: 
I Ben Johnson  
Lay with your Wife.   
That, says Silvester, is no Rhym; but, Faith, 'tis true though, says Ben johnson.   

180.  
Mr. Noy the Attorney General making a Venison Feast in a Tavern, where Ben johnson and some of his Companions were Drinking▪ and he having a mind to some of the Venison, wrote these Verses, and sent them to Mr. Noy: 
When all the World was drowned,  
No Venison could be found;  
For then there was no Park:  
Lo here we sit  
Without e'er a bit,  
Noy has it all in his Ark.  For the ingenuity of which, Mr. Noy sent him a good corner of a Pastry, and half a Dozen Bottles of Sack to wash it down.   

181.  
At another time, Ben johnson intending to go through the Half-Moon-Tavern in Aldersgate-Street, was denied entrance, the Door being shut: upon which he made these Verses, 
Since the Half Moon is so unkind, to make me go about,  
The Sun my Money now shall take, the Moon shall go without.  And so he went to the Sun Tavern at Long Lane end, forsaking the Half-Moon, for this affront.   

182.  
A fool being very sick, and like to die, one that went to see him, went to comfort him, bidding him cheer up, for if you die, says he, Four proper Fellows shall carry you to Church: Ay but, quoth he, I had rather by half go thither my s●lf.   

183.  
A Courtier importuning Queen Elizabeth, for a certain place that was vacant, the Queen told him, He was not fit for it: An't please your Majesty, says he, I can get one to Officiate for me: Very likely, says the Queen and I can put in one of my Maids, that can do so too.   

184.  
A Tutor in Oxford, reading a Lecture to his Scholars about the Virtues in moral Philosophy, gave them this general Rule to know Virtue from Vices, The Virtues consisted in the Middle, but Vices were Extremes. The next day he bid his Scholars give an Example of the foregoing Rule; so one of them, being a sharp Lad, instanced in Virginity. Why Sirrah, says the Tutor, who told you that Virginity was a Virtue? You did, that Sir, replied the Lad, for you told us, that all Virtues consisted in the Middle, and so does Virginity.   

185.  
Says a Tall Man, going along with a little Man, The People won't gaze so much at a Pigmy, because I'm in your Company. Yes, says the little Man, they will gaze the more upon me, to see me have an Ass in my Company, and not Ride.   

186.  
A Lawyer meeting a Country Fellow driving his Cart, asked him merrily, why his Fore-Horse was so Fat, and the other so Lean? Why, says the fellow, my Fore-Horse is a Lawyer, and the rest are his Clients; for which witty answer, the Lawyer gave him Shilling to Drink.   

187.  
A Countryman coming up to London, having never been there before, stared into a Scriv'ners' Shop; the Scrivener standing at a Door, asked him what he would buy? What do you sell, says the Countryman? Why Loggerheads, says the Scriuner, will you buy one? Yes, says he, but I see you have such a good Trade, that you have no choice, having but one left in your Shop.   

188.  
One said; That no Man had a greater confidence in their Country, than Thiefs, for they put themselves upon it, though they are Hanged for their pains.   

189.  
One told his Wife, that there was a Law making, That all Cuckolds should be drowned: O pray, my Dear Husband, says she, then learn to Swim.   

190.  
A Blunt Rustical Fellow, having been nettled with a Jest that one put upon him, resolved one way or other to be even with him; therefore having a good Cane in his Hand, he laid him over the Pate with it saying, Every Man has his Talon; you can break jests, and I can break Heads.   

191.  
Some Thiefs coming to Rob a Gentleman's House before he was asleep, he called out of the Window, and bid them stay but one hour, and by that time he should be a sleep; which frighted them so, that they ran away faster than they came thither.   

192.  
A Gentleman having his Pocket picked whilst he was at Prayers at Church, complained to his Friend of it; why says his Friend, If you had Watched as well as Prayed, you would not have lost your Money.   

193.  
A Constable taking a pretty Wench late at Night, brought her before a Justice, who seeing her handsome and gently Dreft, was very favourable to her, winking at her fault in being out so late, and bid the Constable take her home to his House that Night. Yes, that I will with all my heart, says the Constable, if your Worship will be pleased to commit my Wife till the Morning.   

194.  
Two young Oxford Scholars agreeing together to go into an Adjacent Warren to steal some Rabbits; one being to watch, and not to speak one word, and the other to catch them: So they being come to the place, he that watched, cried out, Ecce Cuniculi multi; which noise frighted all the Rabbits into their Burrows; whereupon the other was very angry with him; Why, says he, who thought the Rabbits had understood Latin?   

195.  
A Lady receiving a Letter from a Foppish Gentleman, taken verbatim out of Cassander, which he had read, she sent it him back again, bidding the Messenger tell him, That he was mistaken, for though the Letter was directed to her, it was written to Madam Roxana.   

196.  
A Gentleman borrowed five Pounds of his Friend, and lost it at Play; thereupon he sent to borrow five Pounds more, by the Token that he owed him five Pounds already: Pray, said his Friend, bid your Master send me the Token, and I'll send him the five Pounds.   

197.  
A Wench that was got with Child, sent her Friend to the Father of it, to tell him that she was quick; he replied, If she be quick, I'll be as nimble, and so run away.   

198.  
One seeing Doctor Mathews, that was a very Learned man, but little of Stature, pass by, said, There goes minimus Apostolorum; which the Doctor hearing, merrily replied, That Matthew was Maximus Evangelistarum.   

199.  
A Gentleman standing in a brown Study, a Lady asked him, What he was thinking of? He said Of nothing: What do you think on, says the Lady, when you think on nothing? Faith, says he, Than I think on you, and the inconstancy of your Sex.   

200.  
The Lord Bacon going the Northern Circuit, a Fellow that was tried for Robbing, was very importunate with the Judge to be favourable to him, telling him that he was a kin to his Lordship: Why how so, said the the Judge? Why, answered the Fellow, An't please your Lordship, your Name is Bacon, and my Name is Hog, and those two are alike. 'Tis true, said the Judge; but you and I can't be Kindred till you are Hanged, for Hog is never good Bacon till 'tis Hanged.   

201.  
King james Riding a Hunting in Essex comes to a Gate which he must go through, and seeing a Countrey-Clown at it, he says to him, Prithee good Pellow open the Gate? But he knowing who it was, answered, No, an't please your Grace, I am not worthy to be in that Office; but I'll run and fetch Mr. Johnson, who is a justice of Peace, and lives a Mile off, and he shall open it for your Grace; and so he run away as fast as he could, and left the King to open it himself.   

202.  
When the Turks were Besieging Vienna, a Gentleman being to be sent to the Grandvizier, upon some important Affair, desired to be excused; for, says he, I'm afraid, because he is so faithless and treacherous, that he'll take my Head off: If he does, says the Governor, I'll take a Thousand of his men's Heads off. ay, Sir, replied the Gentleman, but I question whether any of them will fit my shoulders.   

203.  
A young Lad being chid by his Uncle, for lying a Bed so long in a Morning, telling him that such a one had found a Purse of Money by rising early in the Morning; I, says the Lad smartly, but he rose too early that lost it.   

204.  
A merry Gentleman, in the beginning of the late Civil Wars, being asked, if he should die, how he would be buried? Answered, With his Face downwards For, says he, in a little time England will be turned up side down, and then I shall lie right.   

205.  
A man being brought before the Duke of Milan, for falling down from a House (which he was Tiling) upon a poor man that was going by, and bruising him very much: Look you Friend, says the Duke to the man that was hurt, I'm for the Law of Retaliation; You shall go up to the top of the House where he was, and he shall go along just where you did; and so you shall fall upon him, and bruise him as much as he did you: Which unexpected piece of Justice, put an end to the man's Prosecution.   

206.  
A Farmer's Daughter in the Country bringing up her Father's Cows near the House to be Milked, they all run away from her down a dirty Lane; upon which the Girl cried out, O, Mother, the Cows are run down the Lane to the Devil; shall I go after them? No, Child, says the Mother, let your Father go, for he has high Shoes.   

207.  
A Tallow-Chandler having some Candles stole, complained to his Friend: O, says he, be patient, for I'm confident in a short Time they'll all come to light.   

208.  
a Oxford Scholar coming up to London, went into a House of Iniquity in Covent-Garden, which had the Flower-de-Luce to its Sign, where he got a Clap: whereupon he writ these Verses over the door at his going away: 
All you that hither chance to come,  
Mark well e'er you go in;  
For Frenchmens Arms are Signs without,  
And Frenchmens Harms within.    

209.  
One ask a Painter how he could draw such curious Pictures, and yet get such ugly Children? He answered, Because he drew the Pictures in the day, but got his Children in the night.   

210.  
Another ask why men sooner gave to Poor People than to Scholars? was answered, Because they think they may sooner come to be Poor, than Scholars.   

211.  
A Player Riding along Fleetstreet in great haste, a Gentleman of the Temple stopped him, and asked what Play was to be acted that night? The Player was not a little vexed at him, for hindering him on such a slight occasion; however recovering himself, he told him he might see that on every Post: I beg your Pardon, said the Gentleman, indeed I took you for a Post, you rid so fast.   

211.  
Two Gentlemen being drinking together, one of them pressed the other to drink more than he could well bear, and therefore he refused it, desiring to be excused; but the other being pretty well dipped, swore he should take tother Glass, or else he'd run him thro'. No, says he, you shan't, I'll save you that labour, for I'll run myself through, and Pledge you afterwards; saying so, he run through the door down stairs, and left the Spark to pay the Reckoning.   

213.  
Sir Thomas Moor being surveying of St. Paul's Church, as he was walking on the Leads of it, there happened to be a Madman there, who seeing some Jack daws flying about the Church, catched up Sir Thomas (being a little man) in his Arms, saying, Now Sir, we will fly down as those Birds do; and so was going to throw him over; but he cried out to him, saying, Hold Friend, let us go down, and fly up to them, which stopped the Madmans' hand.   

214.  
A Woman coming to a Parson, desired him to preach a Funeral Sermon on her Son that was lately dead; the Parson promised her to do it; but she desiring to know the Price of his Sermon, he told her it was Twenty Shillings: Twenty Shillings! says she; An Ass spoke for and Angel, and won't you speak under Twenty Shillings? The Parson being a little nettled at her, told her she was better fed than taught: Sir, says she, 'tis very true; for my Husband feeds me, and You teach me.   

215.  
A Country Gentleman riding along Cheapside, his Horse stumbled and threw him in the Dirt; so he got a fellow to hold him, and went into the next Shop, the Mistress of which being a pleasant Woman, smiling, (seeing he had no hurt) asked him if his Horse used to serve him so? Yes Madam, says he, When he comes just against a Cuckold's door. Then in truth, replied she ingeniously, You are like to have twenty falls, before you get to the Exchange.   

216.  
A Gentleman riding to Epsom, overtook a handsome Country Wench jogging along easily upon a poor dull Mare; the Gentleman being merrily disposed, asked her how she did? and told her, if she pleased he'd occupy her. O Sir, says she, what good will that do me? Why, says he, 'twill make you brave and brisk; Pray then Sir, says she, Occupy my Mare, for she's very dull.   

217.  
An Elder Brother told his younger Brother, that that White Camlet Cloak he had on, became him extra-ordinary well: Faith Brother, says he, but a black mourning Cloak for you, would become me a great deal better.   

218.  
A Great Sweater being subpoena'd to give his Oath upon a Trial, they brought him a Book to swear on: Faith, says he to the Clerk, You may save yourself that Labour, for there is no Oath but I can Swear it without Book.   

219.  
A Scolding Woman used to abuse her Husband, who was pretty softly, and call him Cuckold twenty times a day, which a silly Fellow hearing, said, He wondered the Husband was such a fool to let his Wife know that he was a Cuckold.   

220.  
A Drunken Country Fellow whose name was Will johnson, driving his Cart between Cambridge and Sturbridge, fell fast asleep in it; and in the mean time his two Horses were stole out of it: he awaking said, Either I am Will. Johnson, or I am not Will. Johnson: If I am Will. Johnson, than I have lost my two Horses: if I am not Will. Johnson, than I have found a Cart.   

221.  
A Gentleman discoursing of his Travels, was interrupted by a Lady in the Company, that said she had travelled further than he: Say you so, Madam; says the Gentleman, Then We as Travellers, may lie together with Authority.   

222.  
One that had been married but a Week, called her Husband Cuckold: which her Mother hearing, reproved her? You stut, says she, do you call your Husband Cuckold already? And I have been married this twenty years to your Father, and never durst tell him of it yet.   

223.  
A Country Man going along Limestrest, saw a Rope with a handle to it hand out of the Door; now he not knowing what was the meaning of it, went and played with it; and pulling it a little hard, the Merchant being in the Counting house, came out to the door, and asked the Countryman what he would have? He answered, nothing but he pulled the string, and the Bell rang: the Merchant seeing him so simple, asked him what Countryman he was? I am an Essex man, an't please you, says he: Ay, says the Merchant, I have heard that in Essex a man can't beat the hedge, but out comes a Calf? True, says he, and I see that in London a man can't ring a Bell, but out comes a Cuckold.   

224.  
A Drunken debauched Dyer, complaining to his Friend that was a sober man, that whatsoever he took in hand to die, came to some mischance or other: O, says his Friend, The way to succeed in your Business, is to amend your Life; for a man that does not live well, can never die well.   

225.  
A Fidler boasting what a chaste Wife he had: says a Gentleman, I'll lay my House against thy Fiddle, that if I have opportunity, I'll get her consent to lie with her: the Wager was laid, and he had the Fiddler's consent to try; but the Fiddler went in the mean time, and sung this Song under the Window: 
Hold out, my Dear, hold out;  
Hold out, but these two hours:  
If you hold out, there is no doubt  
But the House, and all is ours.  
To which his Wife answered:  
I Faith sweet William I cannot,  
He has caught me about the Middle:  
He hath me Won, thou art undone,  
Sweet William thou'st lost thy Fiddle.    

226.  
A Facetious Gentleman discoursing with a Witty Lady, who was speaking of the Weakness of her Sex, and the vast advantage that men had above them: Hold, Madam, said he; I beg your Pardon, if I descent from you in this commonly-received-point; for it is no difficult thing to prove that your Sex is now a days stronger than ours; for Samson, the strongest Man, carried only the Gates of the City upon his Shoulders; but now every little Lady of your Sex carries a Tower upon her Forehead. To which she wittily and briskly replied, Certainly, Sir, you have a very strong Head, to carry so many Windmills up and down in it.   

227.  
One that had weak Eyes, being jeered by a man that had clear Eyes; he told him, They were not so dim, but he could see a Fool: It may be so, says the other, but you must look in a Glass then.   

227.  
A Schoolmaster examining his Boys, and ask them several Rules for Piercing, espied one to have a dirty face & hands, and asked him by what Rule it was that he was dirty; the Boy readily answered, By de me Lavo Lavi.   

228.  
One telling his Friend that he saw a Man and his Wife Fight: Why did not you part 'em, says he? Part 'em! says the Gentleman, I have been better bred, then to part Man and Wife.   

229.  
Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern, whose Sign was the Moon, (where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret, for which they were very noted, and had great Custom) called for a Bottle of Sack: whereupon the Drawer told him they had none: At which, they not a little admiring; as not knowing the Humour, asked the Drawer the reason, who told them, The Man in the Moon drinks Claret. The Fancy of which pleased them so, that they said they were resolved to be sociable; and so called for each Man his Bottle, to drink their Brother's Health in the Moon.   

230.  
One being asked what he was that had a fine Wit in Jest? Answered, a Fool in Earnest.   

231.  
One gave a Fellow a Box o' th' Far, upon which the Fellow whom he struck gave him another: What do you mean, said he that gave the first Box? I did not lend you a Box, I freely gave it you: No matter, says the other, I am a Gamester, and am always used to pay the Box.   

232.  
Says a Gentleman to his Friend, methinks a Player, has the idlest Employment of any: No, replied he, you are mistaken, for he is always in Action.   

233.  
A Gentleman was used to say of a Drunkard, That it signified not much what he said in his Cups; for he seldom spoke any thing that he could stand to, though he made by Indentures.   

234.  
One seeing a Book that was but one sheet of Paper, said, A Man need not libel it, for it did Penance in a sheet already.   

235.  
One Tom. Love, University Capper in Cambridge, ringing in one of the Belfreys, the Clapper of the Bell fell upon his Head, and almost killed him. An arch young Student seeing his Mischance, and thinking the Wound Mortal, writ over against the place where he sell, these following Verses.  
Here lies Tom Love, the University Capper;  
That lived by the Bell, and died by the Clapper.  
But Tom. Love recovering, and seeing these Verses, underwit thus:  
Tom. Love's alive, and lives in hope  
To live by the Bell, when thou diest by the Rope.   

236.  
Cambden, on the 25th. Page of his Remains, tells you of a Friar, who Preaching in the Country, espied a poor Woman, whispering to one that sat in the same Pew with her, at which the Friar being enraged, called to her aloud, saying, Hold thy Peace Babble I bid thee, thou Wife in the Red Hood; whereat the Woman angry, started up and cried to him again that all the Church rang of her; Marry Sir, I beshrew his Heart that babbleth most of us two; for I do but whisper a word with my Neighbour here, and thou hast babbled there a good large hour.    

Witty and Grave SAYINGS.  

1.  
Soldier's in Peace, are like Chimneys in Summer.   

2.  
Painters are cunning Fellows, for they have a Colour for whatever they do.   

3.  
Cobbler's may be said to be good men because they set men upright, and are always mending Soles.   

4.  
A Prison is a good Instrument of Reformation, for it makes many Lewd Fellows stayed men.   

5.  
Physicians, of all men, have the best on't; for if they do well, the World proclaims it; if ill, the Earth covers it.   

6.  
Carpenters are civil and honest Fellows, for they do all their business by Rule.   

7.  
Virtue is easier than Vice; for the Essential difference between Vice and Virtue is Truth and Falsehood; and it is easier and less pains to tell Truth than a Lie; and for Vices of the Senses, Custom is all in all; for to one that has lived honestly, it is as much shame to commit Sin, as for another to abstain.   

8.  
At a certain Marriage, One let fall this Silver Saying, That Parents might forbid their Children an unfit Match, but may not force their Consent to a fit one.   

9  
Aristippus being accused by a Strumpet for having got her with Child, answered, Thou may'st as well, going through a Thorn-Hedge, tell certainly which Thorn pricked thee.   

10.  
The Merits of a deserving Lady are enough to serve her for a Protection, amongst the Savage Indians; whilst their Rudeness and Barbarity knows not so perfectly to hate all Virtues, as some men's Subtlety does.   

11.  
Carry a Watchful Eye, upon Dangers till they come to ripeness; & when they are ripe, let loose a speedy hand: He that Expects them too long, meets 'em too soon, and gives advantage to the Evil. Commit their beginnings to Argus' Eyes, and their End to Bristreu's hands, and thou art safe.   

12,  
Fortune has no Power over Wisdom, but of Sensuality, and of Lives that Swim and Navigate without the Loadstone of Discretion & Judgement.   

13.  
Aristarchus Scoffingly said, That in old times hardly could be found seven Wise Men throughout the World: But in our Days, says he, much ado there is to find so many Fools.   

14.  
Antisthenes' being asked by one, What Learning was most necessary for Man's Life? Answered, To Vnlearn that which is Naught.   

15.  
Diogenes being asked in a kind of scorn, What was the Reason that Philosophers haunted Rich Men, and not Rich Men Philosophers? Answered, Because the former knew what they wanted, the latter did not.   

16.  
When it was said to Anaxagoras, The Athenians have condemned you to die; he said again, And Nature them.   

17.  
When Croesus for his Glory showed Solon his great Treasures of Gold, Solon said to him, If another comes that has better Iron than you, he will be Master of all this Gold.   

18.  
Chilon used to say, That Gold was tried with a Touchstone, and Men with Gold.   

19  
Solon compared the People unto the Sea, and the Orators and Counsellors unto the Wind; for that the Sea would be calm and quiet if the Wind did not trouble it.   

20.  
An Arch Blade used to say, That of all Trades the Midwives was the most commendable: For, says he, they live not by the hurts of other men, as Chirurgeons do; nor by the falling out of Friends, as Lawyers do; but by the Agreement betwixt Party and Party.    

Notable BULLS,  

1.  
A Young Country Squire riding very hard, his Horse grew very Sick upon it: he complaining to his Friend; says he, I rid my Horse hard and he's sick; and I fear he'll never be his own Man again.   

2.  
Another being asked whether his Friend Tom, that was lately dead, had left him any Legacy? No Faith, says he Not a Tester to drink his Health.   

3.  
One asked a Fellow if he would into the Water with him: No, says he, I'll never go into the Water till I have learned to Swim.   

4.  
Some Gentlemen being at Dinner in a Tavern, one of them that was a little nicer than the rest, seeing the Salt look a little dirtily, called to the Drawer, to bring up some fresh Salt.   

5.  
Some Gentlemen being at Dinner together, were diverting themselves with Jests and Bulls: One among them more curious than the rest, desired a Oxford Scholar in the Company, to give him the definition of a Bull; who ingeniously told him, That a Bull was an Ox gelt.   

6.  
A Blind Minister coming to speak with a Gentleman, the Gentleman's man came running to him, and told him, That the blind Minister was come to see him.   

7.  
A Young Scholar was very much troubled, and did not like his Dictionary, Praying his Father to get it changed, because, He could not find what was Latin for Aquavitae in it.   

8.  
A Country Justice examining a poor thieving Scholar, said, Sirrrah, you are an Arch Rogue, but take warning, for if you are once hanged, your Book can't save you from the Gallows.   

9  
One being advised to go to Sea, No says he, I had rather travel all the World over by Land.   

10.  
A certain King being sick, one prayed, That he might Reign as long as the Sun and Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son, after him.   

11.  
One finding his Friend a-bed at Ten a Clock in the Morning, asked him why he lay so long? Why Faith, says he, I came home late last night: Why, how late was it, says his Friend? Late! says he, 'twas three a Clock in the morning.   

12.  
An Ignorant Fellow complaining of the Folly of the Age, said, That men were far wiser in future times then now.   

13.  
One boasting of his Credit, said, He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time, on his own Bond, without either Scrip or Scroll.   

14.  
One going over in the Ferry-Boat from Richmond to Twitnam, the Ferry-mans' Wife Officiating, admiring said, He never saw a Woman Ferryman before.   

15.  
Two Persons going along Cheapside, a Dumb-man accidentally meeting 'em, jostled against one of them; whereupon he held up his Stick to strike him; but the Dumb-man making some sign, which the Person that was with him perceiving, stopped his Friends blow, ask him why he would strike a Dumb-man? Is he Dumb, says the other? Why did he not tell me so.   

16.  
One seapking to a Gentleman of the unkindness of his supposed Friend, said, in a Passion, That he had no sooner turned his Back, but the Rascoal abused him before his Face.   

17.  
A Country Fellow passing by the Exchange, saw the Picture of a Unicorn hang up; says he to one that stood by, I have seen several Pictures of these Beasts with one Horn only; pray are not there some unicorns with two Horns?   

18.  
One ask a certain Person how his Friend came off at the Sessions-House? he told him he was to be Burnt in the Hand; Pish, says the other, that's a small matter; for, for a little Fee, they'll Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron.   

19  
A Sea-Captain was invited to a Hunting-Match, who when he came home related what sport he had, after this manner: Our Horses, says he, being well Rigged, we man'd them; and the Wind being at West-South-West Fifteen of us in Company) away we stood over the Downs; in the time of half a Watch, we spied a Hare udner full Gale, we Tacked and stood after her, coming up close, she Tacked, and we Tacked, upon which Tack I had like to run aground; but getting clear off, I stood after her again, but as the Devil would have it, just as I was going to lay her aboard, bearing too much Wind, I and my Horse over-set, and came Heel upward.   

20.  
A silly old Fellow meeting his Godson, asked whether he was going? To School, said the Boy: That's well, said he, there's a Penny for you; Be a good Boy, and mind your Book, and I hope I shall live to hear the Preach my Funeral-Sermon.   

21.  
A foolish young Esquire, being newly come to his Estate (taking after the old Miser his Father, grew covetous.) He hearing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas. What, said he; do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expenses? I will have but half a one killed at a time.   

22.  
A Parson who had not much Wit to spare, seeing his Son play roguish Tricks, Why Sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so, when I was a Boy, as you are.   

23.  
A Precise Fellow hearing much Swearing in a Bowling-Green, said, For shame Gentlemen forbear, it is Gods great mercy the Bowling-Green doth not fall on your Heads.   

24.  
One sitting at Supper, his Cat passed to and fro through his Arms, brushing her Tail against his Mouth, which made him so angry, that he cut off the tip of her Tail, saying, I think now, Mistress Puss, I have given you an Ear-mark: For a little time the Cat stayed away, but the next day came again, according to her usal manner; whereupon in a rage, said he, Why, how now, you troublesome Bitch? Are you come again? I thought I had given you your Breakfast last night.   

25.  
A Gentleman hiring some Labourers to pull down his old Wall, that he might build a new one; as they were doing it, cried out to them to have a care, lest the Foundation should tumble on their Heads.   

26.  
When Guiennys were first Coined, they were a great rarity in the Country: A young Fop coming from London, more Gallant than Wise, seeing the People so earnest to see them, Alas, said he, throwing down two or three of them on the Table, These are so common in London, that you cannot receive Forty Shillings, but you must take five or six of them whether you will or no.   

27.  
One going by Water, said to another in the Boat that had affronted him, Speak another word, and I'll knock your Head and the Wall together.   

28.  
One that was Born in the Parish of St. Gile's Cripplegate, said When I die, I'll be Buried in Cripple- Churchyard, an't please GOD I live.   

29.  
The same Person affirming there was two sorts of Fishes allowed to be fried on a Sunday; being asked what Fishes they were, answered, Milk and Mackarel.   

30.  
One saying, That the Fenny-countreys' were very unhealthy; I am of your mind, said another, for I lived there once, and I believe if I have lived there till this thime, I had died seven Years ago.    

Thirteen Ingenious Characters. Drawn to the Life.  

I. Of a CHARACTER.  
IT gives you the hint of Discourse, but Discourses not; and is that in Mass and Ingot, which you may Coin and Wire-draw into infinite; ' is more Seneca than Cicero, and speaks rather the Language of Oracles than Orators: Every Line 's a Sentence, and every two a Period. It says not all, but all it says is good; and like an Air in Music, is either full of Closes, or still driving towards a Close: 'Tis no long wound Exercise of Spirit, but a forcible one, and therefore soon out of Breath; 'tis all matter, and to the matter; and has nothing of Superfluity, nothing of. Circumlocution. So little comporting with Mediocrity, as it extols to Heaven, or depresses unto Hell; having no mid place for Purgatorv left. 'Tis that in every sort of Writing delighteth most; and though the Treatise be Gold, it is the Jewel still, which the Author of Characters, like your Lapidary, produces single, whilst others, Goldsmith like, enchase them in their Works. 'Tis a Portraiture not only of the Body, but the Soul and Mind: Whence it not only delights, but teaches and moves withal, and is a Sermon as well as Picture to every one. In fine, 'tis a short Voyage; the Writer holds out with equal force, still coming fresh unto his Journeys end, whilst in long ones they commonly tyre and falter on their way: And to the Reader 'tis a Garden, not a Journey; or a Feast, where, by reason of the Subjects variety, he is never cloyed; but at each Character, as at a new Service, falls too with fresh Appetite.   

II. Of an Importunate Dun.  
AN Importunate Dun, is the Quintessence of Vexation; a Single Plague, worse than all Egypt's Ten; a kind of Substantial Ghost, perpetually haunting a Man, and sucking him as eagerly as an Hobgoblin does a Witch; an Horseleech that always cries, Give, give; or rather a Cuckoo, that has never but one Note, Pay, Pay, Pay; Money, Money, Money: A troublesome Devil, not to be laid with Holy Water, and only exorcised by Silver Crosses, an Evil Spirit, whom no Music but the sweet Gingling of Coin can charm.  
Should we inquire his Pedigree, he seems one of Nimrod's Bastards, for he is a Tyrant by Nature, and a mighty Hunter by Profession. A Bloodhound of a notable Quick Scent to discover his Game, and a deep Mouth to pursue it; he takes upon him a Prerogative to get, where even Kings themselves must lose their Rights; Nay, presumes to Ape Creation, by attempting to squeeze something out of nothing, and raise a World of Cash, from the barren Womb of mere Vacuities.  
He would make an excellent Statesman, for he has the best intelligence in the World, and will find out a lurking Acquaintance in a City crowd, or country corner, sooner than a purblind ginger, or a limping Hue and Cry; Yet nothing lights him to you sooner, or more exasperates him against you, than a new Suit, a good Dinner, or a merry Glass; for he holds it for a Maxim, That whoever owes him any thing, aught to be in Arrear likewise both to back and belly. If the Debtor live so remote, that he cannot conveniently wait on him every other day, he makes him pay Interest (even to Extortion) at the Post Office; for he is sure of more Letters than a handsome Girl of Sixteen, that has a great Fortune at her own Dispose; his Style in these Familiar Epistles, is sanely Civil in the Front, but close and pressing in the Rear— He would rather lose his small concern, than put you to the least inconvenience— But must needs have his Money next return, or else shall be forced to turn over the Debt, or take his Course, Yet he attributes your Nonpayment to your unmindfulness, and desires you not to take this one more Item unkindly; He talks much in the Language of Bacon's Brazenhead, Time's past: and (as if you were a second joshua) blames you for not keeping the day; he Pretends extraordinary kindness for you, but hates all Protections so much, that he dares not say at the end of his Letter, He commits you to that of Heaven; but always hoping to hear from you speedily, and with Effect, rests, Your humble Servant.  
At this rate (as the Weapon-salve heals) he wounds at a distance; but if you are come-at able, (as he calls it) he will rack the very Soul of you; for he attends you as duly as your Shadow, and proves as constant a Tormentor as a Guilty Conscience to a Murderer: You can neither eat, nor drink, nor sleep nor walk in quiet for him. Indeed the tenterhooks he puts a Man upon, are enough to stretch the tenderest Conscience, and warp the best Nature in the World; for when he will not be satisfied with Truth, you are forced to tell him what is not so, to get rid of him; afterwards by incessant Importunities, he provokes you to swear at him; and at last, by degrees, hardens you into a Resolution, never to pay him. Thus we may call him the Devil's Usher, that tempts people from Lying to Swearing, from that to Dishonestly, and so Improves them from Form to Form, in the School of wickedness, till they are sitted for the Academy of Hell.  
Etymologists think he is called a Dunn, by Antiphrasis, because he will never have done bawling; or (as others write) takes the Appellation from a quondam famous Officer or Justice of that name, with whose Nature he simpathizes, and worries a poor Man with as little Remorse, as that New gate Squire could a Traitor. His Faith is enough to make one turn Infidel, for he uses none so bad as those he Trusts: Nor can he be counted a Christian, since his Charity both begins and ends at home. And if ever he says his Prayers, he skips over that Petition, Forgive us our Debts, as we forgive our Debtors, in the Pater Noster, as slily as a Fanatic does the Article of Believing in the Catholic Church, in the Creed. He is commonly early up, and never the near; for he wakes a man in a morning, before the Lark is up to chaunt her matins, and a Guard of Swissers cannot keep him out of one's Chamber: Alleging Business, Physic, Sleep or Sickness, cannot divert his Persecutions: And 'tis happy for him that doors can't maintain Actions of Asault and Battery. He beats up your Quarters so often, that they quickly learn to deny you at home: but if he chance to find you at any of your Haunts, he makes you believe 'twas by the merest Accident, though he have waited eight and forty hours on purpose. However, he it heartily glad to see you, (that's the only Truth you shall have of him) and shaking you by the hand, he asks you,— What News? But before you can answer, out comes the little Money between us. Then, Lord bless him! Times are so hard, and Money was never so scarce since Adam wore Fig leaved Breeches! His Creditors are so urgent, they won't be put off, but he must forthwith make up a Sum, and therefore if you cannot help him to all, spare him but a little, for five pound now will do him as much good, as fifty another time: Nay, 'twill be as great a favour, as if you gave it him out of your Purse, etc. With this rally of Rhetoric, the blushing Debtor is non-plussed, and Promises as many Impossibilities, as a Quack Doctor, or a trembling Cully, under the Terrors of a Bully Rampant, only silently wishes, he had a handful of Guinnies to beat out his Brains with: for he is as much afraid of him, as a saucy Prentice of meeting a Gentleman at White-Hall, whom he hath affronted in the City: This makes him shun the place where he lives, as bad as a Pest-House: And (if we may credit an experienced Author) when he is to pass from Algate to Covent-Garden, and the low ebb in his Pocket will not suffer him to go by Water, he must first troth down to Tower hill, thence strike up to Norton-Falgate, then down again to Queen-hive, thence up to Charter house-yard, from thence to Salisbury Court, and so to Red-Lyon Fields, before he can reach Drury-Lane in Safety; and yet for all this caution, his head stands awry, with continual looking about.  
Yet take them both together, they are two of the greatest Hypocrites in Nature; for though behind one another's backs they rail each at other, as bad as a Weaver against a Frenchman, yet when they meet, they are so glad to see one another! And truly, I have ever found you very Civil to me, says one, and I can't in the least question your Honesty, says the other; when the short of it is, 'tis forty to one, but one of them will prove a rank Knave: The Creditor, if ever he be paid; or the Debtor, if he never pay.   

III. Of a Sergeant, or Baylif, and his Setting-Cur.  
THe first, is a kind of Excrescence of the Law, like our Nails, made only to Scratch and Claw; A sort of Bird-lime, where he lays hold, he hangs; a Raven that picks not out men's Eyes, as others do, but all his spite is at their Shoulders; and you had better have the Nightmare ride you, than this Incubus. He is one of Deucalion's By-blows, begotten of a Stone, and has taken an Oath never to pity Widow nor Orphan. His first business is to bait you for money for his (confounded) civility; next to call for Drink as fast as men for Buckets of Water in a Conflagration; After which, becoming grave and serious, he advises you in revenge to Arrest the Plaintiff, and offers to do it; with or without cause; 'tis all one to him, if he perceive you have money.  
His Follower is an Hanger that he wears by his side; a false Dye of the small Ball, but not the same Cut, for it runs somewhat higher, inflames the Reckoning, and so does more michief. He's a Tumbler that drives in all the Coneys; but is yet but a bungler, and knows not how to Cut up a man without Tearing, unless by a pattern. This is the Hook that hangs under water to choke the Fish, and his Officer the Quill above, which pops down as soon as ever the Bait is swallowed. Though differing in degree, they are both much of a complexion, only the Teeth of this latter are more sharp, and he more hungary, because he does but snap, and hath not his full half share of the booty. A main part of his Office is to swear and bluster at their trembling Prisoners, and cry, Confound us! Why do we wait? Let's Shop him: Whilst the other replies, jack be patient, 'tis a civil Gentleman, and I know will consider us: Which spies of wheedling in Terms of their Art, is called; Sweeten and Pinch. The Eyes of these Wolves are as quick in their Heads, as a Cutpurses in a Throng; and as nimble are they at their business, as an Hangman at an Execution. They'll court a broken-Pate, to heal it with a Plaster of Green-Wax, and suck more Silver out of a Wound, than a Chirurgeon. Yet as these Eels are generally bred out of the mud of a Bankrupt, so they commonly die with their Gut ripped up, or are decently run through the Lungs; and as they lived hated, die unpitied. We speak here of those only that abuse the intentions of the Law, and act Oppression under the Colour of serving common Justice.   

IV. Of a Paun-Broker.  
AN Unconscionable Paun-Broke, (for there are conscionable Dealears in that way, that are a Relief and Comfort to the Poor, and those are not concerned in this Character;) An unconscionable Paun-broker, I say, is Pluto's Factor, Old Nicks Warehouse-keeper, an English Jew, that lives and grows fat on Fraud and Oppression, as Toads on filth and venom; whose Practice outvies Usury, as much as Incest simple Fornication; and to call him a Tradesman, must be by the same Figure that Pickpockets style their Legerdemain an Art and Mystery. His Shop like Hell-Gates, is always open, where he sits at the Receipt of Custom, like Cacas in his Den, ready to devour all that is brought him; and having gotten your Spoils, hangs them up in Rank and File, as so many Trophies of Victory. Hither all sorts of Garments resort in Pilgrimage, whilst he playing the Pimp, lodges the Taby Petticoat and Russet Breeches together in the same Bed of Lavender. He is the Treasurer of the Thiefs Exchequer, the common Fender of all Bulkers and Shop-lifts in the Town. To this purpose he keeps a private Warehouse, and Ships away the Ill-gotten goods by wholesale; dreading nothing so much, as that a Convict should honestly confess how he disposed the Movables. He is a kind of Disease quite contrary to the Gout; for as that haunts the Rich, so this mainly torments the Poor, and scarce leaves them so much as a primitive Fig leaf to cover their Nakedness. Mistress Jone, when she is minded to see her sweetheart, and Gammer Blue-bottle going to a Christening, muster up the Pence o' th' ' Saturday Night, to redeem their best Rigging out of Captivity; but on Monday Morning infallibly bring them back (like Thiefs that had only made an escape) to the old Limbus; and this so often, till at last they know the way, and can go to Pawn alone by themselves. Thus they are forced to purchase the same clothes seven times over; and for want of a Chest to keep them in at home, it cost thrice as much as they are worth for their Lodging in his Custody. When they come in like other Prisoners, they first pay Garnish, the Two pence for Entrance money; after this, sixpence a Month, for every Twenty Shillings lent, (which yet indeed is but 19 s. 6 d.) that is (according to their Reckoning of thirteen Months to the Year) Six Shillings and sixpence Interest for one Pound for a Year; which makes Thirty three Pounds, Six Shillings and Eightpences in the hundred, viz. Onethird part of the Principle, and just 27. l. 6 s. 8 d. more than the Statue allows; besides Twelvepences for a Bill of Sale, if the matter be considerable. So that since they never lend half the value on any thing that is brought them; if a Paun-Broker lay out an Hundred Pounds, he first makes near Forty per Annum Advantage certain, as aforesaid: And then considering how many Thiefs, etc. (their chiefest Customers that bring the lamping Bargains) never intent to redeem, and how many Poor are not able (especially since as soon as the Year and Day expire, they presently dispose of their Pawns, or pretend to do so) we may reasonably conclude, that these Horseleeches make Cent per Cent at least of their Money in the Year, And all this by a course tending only to the encouragement of Theives, and Ruin of those that are Honest but Indigent.   

V. Of a PRISON.  
A Prison is the Grave of the Living, where they are shut up-from the World and their Friends! and the Worms that Gnaw upon them, are their own Thoughts and the Jailor. 'tis a House of Meager looks, and ill smells, for Lice, Drink and Tobacco, are the Compound; Pluto's Court was expressed from this fancy. And the Persons are much about the same Party that is there. You may ask as Manippus in Lucan, which is Nireus? which Thersities? which the Beggar? which the Knight? For they are all suited in the same form of a kind of Nasty Poverty; only to be out at Elbows is in fashion here, and 'tis a great Indecorum not to be Threadbare. Every Man shows here like so many Wrecks upon the Sea, here the Ribs of a Thousand Pounds, and here the Relic of so many Manors, is a Doublet without Buttons; and 'tis a spectacle of more pity than Executions are. The Company one with another is but a vying of complaints, and the causes they have to rail on Fortune, and fool themselves; and there is a great deal of good fellowship in this. They are commonly, next their Creditors, most bitter against the Lawyers, as men that have had a great stroke in assigning them thither. Mirth here is stupidity or hard heartedness, yet they feign it sometimes, to shun Melancholy, and keep off themselves from themselves, and the torment of thinking what they have been. Men huddle up their life here as a thing of no use, and wear it out like an old Suit, the faster the better; and he that deceives the Time best, best spends it. It is the place where new comers are most welcomed, and next them ill News, as that which extends their Fellowship in Misery, and leaves few to insult; and they breathe their discontents more securely here, and have their Tongue's at more liberty than their Bodies. Men see here much Sin and Calamity, and when the last does not mortify, the other hardens; and those that are wicked here, are desperately wicked, as those from whom the horror of Sin is taken off, and the punishment Familiar. And commonly a hard thought passes on all that come from this School; Which though it teach much Wisdom, it is too late, and with danger: And it is better to be a Fool, than to come here to learn it.   

VI Of a TAVERN.  
A Tavern is a degree, or (if you will) a pair of Stairs above an Alehouse, where men are Drunk with more Credit. If the Vintners Nose be at the door, it is a Sign sufficient, but the absence of this is supplied by a Bush: The Rooms are ill breathed, like the Drunkards that have been well washed over Night, and are smelled to fasting next morning, nor furnished with Beds apt to be defiled, but more necessary Implements, Chairs Tables, and a Chamber-pot. It is a broacher of more News than Hogsheads, and more Jests than News; which are sucked up here by some spongy Brain, and from thence squeezed into a Comedy. Men come here to make merry, but indeed make a Noise, and this Music above, is answered. with the Chating below: The Drawers are the chiefest people in it: Men of good bringing up; and howsoever we esteem of them, none can boast more justly of their High Calling. It is the best Theatre of Natures, where they are truly acted, not played: and the business, as in the rest of the World, up and down; that is, from the bottom of the Cellar to the Great Chamber. A Melancholy man would find matter to work upon, to see Heads as brittle as Glasses, and as often broken. Men come hither to quarrel, and come hither to be made friends. It is the common Consumption of the Afternoon, and the Murderer or Maker away of a Rainy Day. It is the Torrid Zone that scorches the Face, and Tobacco the Gun powder that blows it up. A House of Sin you may call it, but not a House of Darkness, for the Candles are never out; and it is like those Countries far in the North, where it is as clear at Midnight as at Midday. After a long sitting, it becomes like a street in a dashing shower, where the Spouts are flushing above, and the Conduits runing below: while the Jordans, like swelling Rivers, overflow their Banks. To give the total reckoning of it, 'Tis the busy man's Recreation, the Idle man's Business, the Melancholy man's Sanctuary, the Inns a Court-mans' Entertainment, the Scholar's Kindness, and the Citizen's Courtesy. It is the Study of Sparkling Wits, and a Cup of Canary their Book, where we leave them.   

VII. Of a SCOLD.  
A Rank Scold is a Devil of the Female Gender; a Serpent perpetually a hissing and spitting of Venom; a Composition of Ill-nature and Clamour. You may call her animated Gun Powder, a walking Mount- AEtna, that is always belching forth flames of Sulphur. A Burr about the Moon, is not half so certain a presage of a Tempest at Sea, as her Brow is of a Storm on Land. And though Laurel, Hawthorn, and Seal-Skin, are held preservatives against Thunder, Magic has not been able to find out any Amulet so Sovereign as to still her Raging; for like Oil poured on flames, good words do but make her rage the faster; and when once her-Flag of Defiance, the Tippet, is unfurled, she cares not a straw for Constable nor Ducking-stool.  
Her Tongue is the Clapper of the Devil's Saints-Bell, that rings all-in to Confusion. It runs round like a Wheel, one Spoke after another, and makes more Noise and Jangling, than Countrey-steeples on the Fifth of November.  
If she be of the preciser cast, she abuses Sacred Language in her Railing, as Conjurers do in their Charms; calls her Neighbours Heathen Edomites, her Husband Reprobate, or Son of Belial; and will not Cudgel her Maid without a Text for'●. But now I speak of Husband, methinks I see the Creeping Snail, shivering in an Ague-fir when he comes in her presence. She is worse than Cow-itch in his Bed, and as good as a Chasing-dish at Board; But has either quite forgot his Name, or else she likes it not; which makes her Rebaptize him with more noble Titles, as, White-livered Rascal, Drunken Sot, Sneaking Nickompoop, or Pitiful Lousy Tom Farthing. Thus she worries him out of his Senses at home, and then she ferrets his Haunts abroad worse than a Needy Bawd does a decayed Bullies. In a word, A virulent Scold is her Neighbours perpetual Disquiet, her Families Evil Genius, her Husband's Ruin, and her own daily Tormentor: And that you may the better know her Pedigree, I'll give you a serious Account of the Receipt or Method made use of for her Production into the World, lately found in a long-concealed Manuscript of Theophrastus Bombastas Paracelsus; as follows, viz.  
Nature to form a Scold, first took of the Tongues and Galls of Bulls, Bears, Wolves, Magpies, Parrots, Cuckoos, and Mightingals, of each a like number: The Tongues and Tails of Vipers, Adders, Snakes and Lizards, seven a piece: Aurum Fulminans, Aqua-Fortis, and Gun-Powder, of each one Pound: The Clappers of Nineteen Bells, and the Pestles of a dozen Apothecaries Mortars. Which being all mixed, she Calcined in Mount Strombello, and dissolved the Ashes in a Water distilled just under London-Bridge at three quarters Flood, and Filtrated it through the Leaves of Calapine's Dictionary, to render the Operation more verbal. After which, she distilled it again through a Speaking-Trumpet, and closed up the remaining Spirits in the Mouth of a Cannon. Then she opened the Graves of all new-deceased Pettifoggers, Mountebanks, Barbers, Coffee News-Mongers, and Fish Wives; and with the Skins of their Tongues made a Bladder, covered oe'r with Drumheads, and filled with Storms, Tempests, Whirl winds, Thunders. Lightnings, &c, These for better Incorporation, she set seven years in a Rough-Sea to Ferment, and then mixing them with the rest, rectified the whole three times a day for a Twelve month in a Balnea of Quicksilver. Lastly, to Irradiate the whole Elixir, and make it more Churlish, she cut a Vein under the Tongue of the Dog-Star, drawing thence a Pound of the most choleric Blood; from which Sublimating the Spirits, she mixed them with the Foam of a Mad-Dog; and then putting all together in the forementioned Bladder, stitched it up with the Nerves of Socrates' Wife. Out of this notable Preparatory, Dame Nature composed a Shrew.   

VIII. Of a bad HUSBAND.  
A Bad Husband, is an inconsiderate piece of Sottish Extravagance. For though he consists of several ill Ingredients, yet still good Fellowship, is the Causa fine qua non, and gives him the Ho go. He is the Wise Man's Scorn, the Shirks Exchequer, and the wheedling Hostesses Honest Man; the Moth of an Estate, the Shipwreck of a Family, or a mischief Three-story-high; for he scandalises his Ancestors, ruins himself, and strangles the hopes of all his Posterity. He throws away his Wealth as heartily as young Heirs, or old Philosophers; and is so eager of a Goal, or a Mumpers Wallet, that he will not wait Fortune's leisure to undo him, but Rides Post to Beggers-Bush; and takes more pains to spend money, then Day-Labourers to get it; whilst still his word is, Let's not pinch while we have it, since 'tis time enough to want when we have it not.  
He knows no difference between Prodigality and Liberality, but is so foolishly free, that he dries up the Springs of Bounty, by cutting down the Banks, and letting the Streams run at waste. If he pretends to Gentility, he thinks he can no way make good that Title, but by paying (where ever he comes) all the whole Reckoning; and every Rascal that can but cry, My Noble Master, is Master of his whole Purse; which sucking Vermin continually flutter about him, as thick as Flies in a Confectioners-shop. If he go to Market, 'tis but to purchase a Fox, and two days after returns, having only Trucked away his Corn for Drink, and put off his Cattle to make him a greater Beast.  
His first business after Marriage, is to pay Ale House Scores with his Wife's Portion; and his next, to pawn her clothes for supplies of fresh Debauchery. If he be a Citizen, he counts his Shop a Prison, till at last he is Shopped in a Prison indeed. He pretends always extraordinary business abroad, and must needs go to the Exchange: when he has nothing to do there, But change Shillings into Six-pences, and reduce Guinneys into Farthings. He still cries, 'tis too soon to go home yet, and will trudge a Mile about, rather than come near his own Door, for fear he should be obliged to come in before his hour, which is midnight, or past: for if he goes home before, he says, He can never sleep well. He is an Hogshead set up upon two stumps fit for nothing but to hold strong Drink: and if he be not at the Pot, is like a Fish out of Water, that does nothing but Gape. He thinks Nature gave him a Mouth not so much to Speak, as to take off his Liquor: and his only inquiry is, Where dwells the best Sack and Claret? He is a passionate Lover of Morning Draughts, which he generally continues till Dinnertime: a rigid exacter of Num-Groats, and Collector-General for Foy ' and Biberidg: He admires the Prudence of that Apothegm, Let's drink first: and would rather sell 20 per Cent to loss, than make a dry Bargain. You shall infallibly find him and his Tribe about the Fag-end of the day at Randezvouz, like a Constellation fixed in the lower Region of a known Tavern, where their Noses appear like Comets, that evermore portend excessive Draughts: They go in upon Parol not to exceed Threepences, but seldom come out under a Half Crown Club: and their Noise (for Discourse you cannot call it) is more Nonsensical and Impertinent than a She Quakers Sermon, or the Tattle of an Upsitting. As soon as they are accommodated with a private Room, an half Pint, for so they modestly begin, some clean Pipes, and a Jordan; their first Argument is the goodness of the Wine, which being voted a Flower, produces next a Bottle; and then News is the Subject of Debate, or for want of that, who was most Drunk the Night before, or Reeled home with the greatest Gravity and Decorum. Though they live like Publicans yet they imitate Pharisees in their Exactness of making clean the inside of the Glass: and their strictest Criticisms are, See it go round, and take it off Sir.  
In this sweet Society, our trusty Trojan bears his part, till he has not discretion enough left to know at which end to light his Pipe: then staggering away, if he escape the Compter, 'tis forty to one, but he meets with some little Town-Baggage, who picks his Pocket, and in Requital, bestows upon him a swinging Clap. In the mean time, the good Woman at home sits lamenting till Twelve at Night, over a piece of mouldy Bread, and a draught of Rot-gut: and the Children are fain to go to Bed without their Supper, because the vile Milk-woman is grown faithless. At last, when her precious Husband comes with a Breath that stinks with Canary and Tobacco, worse than Hell of Brimstone: he perhaps picks a cause less quarrel, gives her a remembrance with a Bedstaff, that she is forced to wear the Northumberland Arms a week after, which the good natured Soul must excuse, by pretending an unlucky Fall, or blaiming an Innocent Door-latch for the Injury. But put Case he go peaceably to Bed, what comfort can be expected from such a Swine?   

IX. Of a TOWN-FOP.  
THE Town-Fop is one that plays Rex wherever he comes, and makes as much hurry as Robin goodfellow of old, amongst our Granums Milk-bowls; he is a kind of a Squib on a Rope, a Meteor composed of Self-conceit and Noise, that by blazing and cracking engages the wonder of the Ignorant, till on a sudden he vanishes and leaves a stench, if not infection behind him; he is too often the stain of a good Family, and by his Debauched life blots the noble Coat of his Ancestors: A wild unbacked Colt, whose Brains are not half coddled; indebted for his clothes to his Tailor, and for his Wit, (such as it is) to his Company. The School had no sooner endued him with a few Superficial besprinklings, but his Mother's Indulgence posted him to Town for genteeler breeding, where three or four wild Companions, half a dozen bottles of Burgundy, two leaves of Leviathan, a brisk encounter with his Landlord's Glass-Windows, the charms of a little Miss, and the sight of a new Play, dubbed him at once both a Wit and a Hero; ever since he values himself mainly for understanding the Town, and indeed knows most things in it that are not worth knowing: The two Poles wherein all his discourses turn, are Atheism and Bawdry, bar him from being profane and obscene, and you cramp his Ingenuity, which forthwith flags and becomes useless, as a mere common Lawyer, when he has crossed the Channel.  
He is so refractory to Divinity, that Morality itself cannot hold him: He affirms humane Nature knows no such thing as Principles of good or evil; and will swear, all Women are Whores, though his Mother and Sister stand by; whatsoever is Sacred or Serious, he seeks to render ridiculous, and thinks Government and Religion fit objects for his idle and fantastic Buffoonty: His humour is proud and assuming, as if he would Palliate his ignorance by scoffing at what he understands not; and therefore with a pert and pragmatic scorn, deprecates all things of nobler moment, but most passionately affects pretty A-la-mode words, and is as covetous of a new Song or Air, as an Antiquary of Cato's Statue, with never an Arm and but half a Nose; these keep him always employed, and fill up the Grotesco't of his Conversation, whilst with a stately Gallantry, once in every half hour he combs out his Wig, Careens his Breeches, and new Marshals his Garniture, to the Tune of, Methinks the poor Town has been troubled too long.  
His mind used to whistle up and down in the levitieses of Fancy, and effeminated by the childish Toying of a rampant imagination, finds itself indisposed for all solid employment, especially the serious exercises of Piety and Virtue, which begets an Aversion to those lovely Beauties, and that prompts him on all occasions to expose them as ridiculous and vain: Hence by degrees he comes to abuse Sacred Scripture, makes a mock of Eternal Flames, joques on the venerable mysteries of Religion; and in fine, scoffs at that All-Glorious and Tremendous Majesty, before whom his Brother Wits below tremble. 'Tis true, He will not confess himself Atheist, yet in his heart the Fool hath said it, and boasts aloud, that he holds his Gospel from the Apostle of Malmsbury, though it is more than probable he never read, at least understood, Ten leaves of that unlucky Author. Talk of Witches and you tickle him; speak of Spirits, and he tells you he knows none better than those of Wine; name but Immaterial Essence, and he shall shout at you as a dull Fop, incapable of Sense, and unfit for Conversation: Nor is he better pleased, then when he can here hedge in some Raw Divine, to Bull-bait with Scurrility, and all kind of Profaneness.  
By means of some small scraps of Learning, matched with a far greater stock of Confidence, a voluble Tongue and a bold Delivery, he has the ill luck to be celebrated by the Vulgar, for a man of parts; which Opinion gains credit to his Insolences, and sets him on farther Extravagancies to maintain his Title of Wit, by continuing his practice of Fooling; whereas, all his mighty parts are summed up in this Inventory; Imprimis, A Peddling way of Fancy, a lucky hit at Quibbling, now and then an odd Metaphor, a conceited Irony, a ridiculous Simile, a wild Fetch, an unexpected Inference, a Mimic Gesture, a pleasing Knack in humouring a Tale: And lastly, an irresistible Resolution of speaking last, and never be dashed out of Countenance.  
By these Arts, dexterously managed, he engrosses a vast Repute? The grave Citizens call him shrewd man, and notable Head-piece; the Ladies (we mean the things so called of his acquaintance) vote him a most accomplished Gentleman, and the Blades swear he is a walking Comedy, the only Merry Andrew in the Age, that scatters Wit where ever he comes, as Beggars do Lice, or Musk-Cats Perfumes; and that nothing in Nature can compare with him.  
You would think he had gotten the Lullian Art, for he speaks Extempore on all Subjects, and ventures his words without the relief of Sense to second them; his thoughts start from his Imagination, and he never troubles himself to examine their decency, or solidity by judgement; to discourse him seriously, is to read the Ethices to a Monkey, or make an Oration to Caligula's Horse, whence you can only expect a We he, or jadish Spurn; after the most convincing Arguments, if he can but muster up one plausible Joque, you are routed. For he that understood not your Logic, apprehends his Droll; and though Syllogisms may be answered, yet jests and loud Laughter can never be confuted, but have more sway to degrade things with the unthinking Crowd, than Demonstrations: there being a Root of envy in too many men, that invites them to applaud that which exposes and vilifies what they cannot comprehend. He pretends great skill in curing the Tetters and Ringworms of State, but blows in the sores till they rankle with his poisonous Breath; he shoots Libels with his forked Tongue at his Superiors, and abuses his dearest Friends, choosing to forfeit his Neck to the Gibbet, or his Shoulders to the Battoon, rather than lose the driest of his idle Quibbles. In brief, He is the jack-pudding of Society, a Fleering Buffoon; a better kind of Ape, in the Judgement of all wise men; but an incomparable Wit, in his own.   

XI. A Fantastic Lady.  
HER Life is a perpetual Contradirction, she would, and she would not; and, Make ready the Coach, yet let it alone too; Drive to such a place, yet do not neither, is her ordinary Dialect: She differs from the Irresolute, in that he is always beginning, and she never makes an end: She writes and plots out again, whilst he deliberates what to write; th'one being a Resty, and the other a Restless Pain: So you can tell what to make of t'one's Negative, and how two Negatives make an Affirmative; but of her I and No together, you know not what to make, but only that she knows not what to make of it herself self. Her Head is just like a Mill, or Squirrels Cage, and her mind the Squirrel that turns and twirls it round, and her Imagination differs from others, as your Grotesque ●●●ures do from Natural; and from Grotesque, in that these have some design in them, but her Imagination has none; she never looking toward the end, but only the beginning of things; or if she does, forgets or disapproves it straight: For she will call in haste for one, and have nothing to say to him when he is come; and long, nay die, for some Toy or Trifle, which having once, she grows weary of presently, and throws away. In fine, who are of one mind to day, and another tomorrow, are constant, to her; and Saturn's Revolution, compared to the Moons: For you know not where to have her a moment, and whosoever would hit her Thoughts, must Shoot flying; and fly themselves, whoever would follow her.   

X. Of a Young Enamourist.  
HE's one who as soon as he quitted his Schoolboy's Toys, next Toy he gets is a Mistress, when 'twould make you forswear Love to see how ridiculous he makes it; and to hear him talk of Gods and Goddesses, you would take him for some Pagan never converted to Christianity. There is nothing so cold as to hear him talk of Flames, nor so dull as his discourse of Cupid's darts; and to hear him sigh like a dry Pump, or broken-winded Bellows, you would ne'er wonder at Lapland Witches affording winds so cheap. Of all Servants he is the necessariest and easiest to content and feed, for he is his Mistress' Squire, Dispenser, Lackey, or Messenger, but above all, her Fool, to which he is bound by the Proverb; 'Tis impossible to love and be wise: Mean time you may feed him cheaper than a Chameleon, for a good look serves him a week at least, and he is prouder of holding his Mistress' Busk or Fan, than a Schoolboy with a Sceptre in his hand, playing the Emperor's part i'th' School; to keep him to which, his Mistress lets him know that 'tis with Love as 'tis with War, which once declared, you are to expect nothing but Hostility; and knows herself, that 'tis with Lovers as it is with Anglers, who feed the Fish ere they are caught; but caught once, feed on them: whence she bites not greedily at the bait, but craftily tolls him on with hopes, and like a Rope-maker goes backwards still, the better to advance her work, and draw him on; mean while he follows her so long, till either he wax weary and ceases his pursuit, or catches her tripping, and then falls down on her, when fastening her in the Marriage Noose, he carries her away, and either turns kind Cuckold, and keeps open house for all; or jealous Coxcomb, and shuts his door against every One.   

XII. Of an Honest Drunken Cur.  
HE's a Pickled Youth to be sure, for he always lies steeped in his own Liquor; of which, like a Whale, he carries so much about him, that whenever he disgorges, he may swim away in his own Flood. Clap but a good Sucker into his Belly, and he makes an excellent Parish Pump: And if you add but a Pipe to his Muzzle, he may pass for a Water-Engine, and do good service in time of Fire. You need not fear drawing him dry, so long as all the Alehouses and Taverns in Town, like little Rivulets, supply the decrease: He contains about as much as those in Churches; but in so unchouth a Trough, he's twice as hard to be Gauged: Yet by frequent experience he can guests his Measure to a Pint, especially if you except Leakage. His Veins are so thronged, and his Blood so tainted with Scurvy, Gout and Dropsy, (and a snatch of the French man too boot, which he got when he was Drunk, and does not know who to lay it to) 〈…〉 the Intrusion of any other Distemper: wherefore he stalks in as a State through a Pestilence, as an Armed Soldier through a Shower Bullets: for his forementioned Diseases have taken such large Possession of his Body, that there is no room left for Infection.  
He has drunk himself into a Jelly and is so moist, that if you squeeze him, he drops like an Orange.  
His Body is a perfect Still, when he fuels with Brandy instead of Char-coal: being throughly, heated, you may discern t●●●weat● distillation trickle from his face, as from the Lid of a Limbeck; and if any chance to drop on his Nose, you may hear it viz as if it fell upon heated Bricks. In fine though he always lives Joakingly and Merry, he hates nothing more than a dry Jest.  
Thus having acquainted you with his Constitution, I shall only consider him in his Conversation, and friendship, and so leave him to sleep out his Nap.  
And first for his Conversation; To take him in the Morning (for who can find him all the Day after? he prevents his Prayers with a Pipe of Tobacco, and Smokes at such a Rate, as if he preferred Sacrifice to Devotion. A Tinderbox is as necessary to him, as a green Bag to an Atturney's Clerk, with which he seems as ravished as Alexander with the Odisses, for he cannot sleep unless it lie under his Pillow. In that little night he makes, he cannot so properly be said to sleep, as to Chew the Cudd on his Quotidian Debauchery; for he often disturbs the repose of a Family, with Muttering a Repetion of his Oaths and Healths. When he awakes, he stairs about with such wild Curiosity, as one would fancy Adam did immediately after his Creation; for he generally makes himself so Drunk over Night, drowning his past Actions in Liquor and Oblivion, that he scarcely knows the the Morning from the Resurrection, and is hardly persuaded that ever he lived before.  
But after he is convinced of the affirmative, spends about a quarter of an Hour in examining the Bedposts and Windows, before he discovers whether he be in his own Lodging: And afterwards remains as doubtful how he got thither.  
Then Bed staves and Slip-shoos go to wrack, for clattering on the Bedstead, like Bows at the Bear-Garden, he calls up the People as Country Wenches do Swine, by knocking; and after a Petition for a Cup of Settle-Brain, begs them to resolve his Quaery; whereupon they tell him the truth, which indeed is, that either he came the old Porterly way, Cruched with a brace of Watchmen; or else the Modern and more Genteel way, viz. On Pick-pack, instead of a Sedan.  
Now although my Honest Drunken Cur be guilty of many Vices, which like Younger Brothers hang on this great one, which has got possession; Yet (Give the Devil his due) I think the World has Sullied his Reputation with divers Scandals of which he is no ways Guilty: Wherefore because I only intent his Conversion, not his Consumption; Like an honest Historian (since I write his Life) I ought not to sue him wronged but rather to rescue him from those calumnies thrown on him, by persons in some respects worse than himself.  
The first imputation therefore that they impose on him, is that he is proud: and why for soothe? but because when he has a Drop in his Eye; he brags as if he were a better man than his neighbours. A stout reason indeed! 〈◊〉 if a man might not do as much, that were either Lightheaded, or in a Fever; Nay, Passion alone makes the wisest of us Bedlams. But let us do as we would be done by, and take him when he is himself, (that is, in a Morning) and then I am sure he is as free from Pride, as a Quaker from good Manners or Ribonds: from would Custom admit, I am confident he would rather go to the Alehouse Naked, than undergo the hard Penance of Sobriety while he dresses himself.  
Secondly, They call him an Idle fellow: a good fellow all the World knows he is, but as for idleness, let me die if I know any one more free from it than he; What would they have of him trow? he rises early, sits up late; and I dare swear he grudges himself his very Sleep, because it keeps him from his Business: When he is at it, no Man more expeditious than he, for as if his Minutes, like his Estates, ran away too fast, you shall freequently see him with an Ale Glass in one hand, and a Looking-Glass in the other, which betokens both speed & frugality.  
The third and most fallacious Accusation is, that they say, He's Prodigal, and Pisses his Estate against the Wall. But I am confident he Enriches or Perfumes the Walls no more than others; only this I know he does, that whereas Usurers use to hide their Riches in Earthen Pots, he puts his Estate in a Pewter one, (which one would think were the safer Cabinet) so that it is not the Honest Drunken Cur, but the Impudent Rogues, Drawers and Tappers, that imbezle and make it away. Much more might be said of him both in his Vindication, and in commendation also: For he is one of the quietest Subjects his Majesty has, and most submissive to Monarchical Government. he would not be without a King, if it were for no other Reason than falsely Drinking his Health. He hates Coffee, as Mahomatizm; and thinks it a lesser sin to go to Bed Drunk, than to Drink Coffee to make him Sober.  
He hates a Studious man; as Caesar did a lean one; and for the same Reason; for he is so confident he's hatching of Treason, that he could find in his Heart to impeach him at adventure.  
As for his Friends, he never troubles his Head to pick and cull them, but takes them as superannuated Maids do Husbands, or Fish-women do Makarel, as they come next to hand: For, fixing himself in the next Alehouse or Tavern he comes at; at first he sits as sullenly as a degraded Courtier, or an Insurer upon Advice of a Loss. And no less than a Quart of Purle-Royal, or Two Kicks in the Guts, can remove his Morosity. After he has digested either of them, perchance he'll vouchsafe to bless you with a Smile, especially if you will purchase it at the expense of a Bawdy Song; to which you shall see him turn head, and listen as heedfully as a Lynnet to a Flaijolet, but infinitely more easy to be Taught.  
When you have done, 'tis twenty to one but he comes and hugs you; swearring you are the best accomplished Gentleman that ever he met with in his Life; and though he never saw you before, from that time you may date his Friendship: He makes Friends faster than Children do Babies; and like them too, he often forgets where he has left them.  
His Reason, like a bad Shopkeeper, is seldom at home; or rather, like a Country Gentleman, has left the Manor of his own Body, and is gone to dwell in strange Lodgings: So that 'tis no wonder, he's Hobgoblined by his fiery Nose to any Debauchery, or that Men call him Beast; since by giving Reins to his Sensuality, he makes so perfect a Swine of himself, that he Drinks till he can hardly Grunt. However, since the Church allows him Christian Burial, I'll Hopkins and Sternhold him with.  

An EPITAPH.  
Here lies Drunken Tom,  
Whom Heaven in Mercy save;  
He Stumbled o'er his Death,  
And Reeled into his Grave.    

XIII. Of a Natural Beauty.  
WHether a cheerful Air ' does rise,  
And Elevate her fairer Eyes;  
Or a Pensive Heaviness  
Her lovely Eyelids does depress,  
Still the same becoming Grace  
Accompanies her Eyes and Face;  
Still you'd think that Habit best,  
In which her Countenance last was dressed.  
Poor Beauties! whom a Blush or Glance  
Can sometimes make look fair by chance;  
Or Curious Dress, or Artful Care,  
Can make seem fairer than they are.  
Give me the Eyes, give me the Face,  
To which no Art can Add a Grace:  
Give me the Looks no Garb nor Dress  
Can ever make more fair, or less.   
FINIS.   

Books Printed for john Harris, at the Harrow, in the Poultry.  
COme and Welcome to jesus Christ: Or a plain and profitable Discourse on john 6. Verse 37. Showing the Cause, Truth and Manner of the Coming of a Sinner to jesus Christ, with his Happy Reception, and Blessed Entertainment, by john Bunnyam, Author of the Pilgrim's Progress.  
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[3.] A Present for Ladies. The Nymphs of Diana; or the Excellencies of Womenkind, described as well in their External Beauty, as Internal Virtue; being an Advocate for the Fair Sex; comprised in an Illustrious History of it. Represented not only in Lively and Pathetical Discourses grounded upon Reason, but in sundry rare Examples of Virtuous Love, Piety, Prudence, Modesty, Chastity, Patience, Humility, Temperace, Conduct, Constancy, and Firmness of Mind; With what else in the like nature is necessary to the Accomplishment of the most Celebrated Beauties. With other Examples of Woman skilled in the most curious Arts and Sciences. To which are Added, The Examples of Warlike Women, their Noble Exploits and Victories: With the Prophecies and Predictions of the Sibyls, in Relation to our Saviour Christ, etc. And as an Apendix, the Character of a Virtuous Woman in all her Capacites, viz. Of a Virgin, of a Wife, and of a Widow; wherein is showed, the happiness that accrues to Man in the possession of so great a Blessing, as a Virtuous Woman; with the Reasons why Man's happiness is not complete on Earth, without the Charming Creature Woman. The whole Work Enri●●●●●nd Intermixed with Curious Poetry, and Delicate Fancy, suitable to so Charming a Subject.  
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〈…〉 Physic. Shewing the method of curing the most usual diseases happening to humane Bodies. All translated out of the best Latin editions, into English; and carefully claused, or divided into Chapters, and Sections, for the mor● pleasant reading, and easier understanding of those Authors. Together with a singular Comment upon the First Book of Hermes, the most Ancient of Philosophers. The whole completed in three books. By William Salmon, Professor in Physic.  
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The Revelation Unvailed: Or, and Essay towards the discovering I. When many Scripture Prophecies had their Accomplishment, and turned into History. II. What are now Fulfilling. III. What rest still to be Fulfied, with a guess at the time of them. With an Appendix, proving, that Pagan Rome was not Babylon, Rev. 18, and that the Jews shall be Converted. By Samuel Petto, Minister of the Gospel at Sudbury in Suffolk.  
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FINIS.