THE EXALTATION OF CHRISTMAS PIE As it was Delivered IN A PREACHMENT At ELY House.  
By P. C. Dr. of Divinity and Midwifery.  
Printed in the Year, 1659.   

Brewerton, Chap. CXIX. Ver. XXXI.  
And they did eat their Plum-pies, and rejoiced exceedingly.  
Beloved,  
THis Text which I have named unto you, is such a Text, that if it be well squeezed, it will afford abundance of matter. Truly beloved, it makes my teeth water to think on't; You shall hear it over again, And they did eat their Plum-pies, and rejoiced exceedingly. Now you must consider, that these words have a coherence with something that went before: For they do plainly imply that the persons of whom the Text speaks were invited by some or other of their brethren to dinner. And now being invited to dinner, and being set down at the table and having also teughed the Roast Beef, than I say, they did eat their Plum-pies and rejoiced exceedingly. Thus you see how that And is in this place a Conjunction Copulative, Lyming words and sentences together. And now we talk of a Conjunction Copulative, give me leave my beloved to step a little aside from my text, for these words have more Marrow in them then you are ware of. To tell you the truth there are several sorts of Conjunctions Copulative, there be your Astrological Conjunctions Copulative, as when the English Merlin lay with Mistress F—. For a Conjunction Copulative, is a carnal closing together of Male and Female, to the satisfaction of their wanton desires; Now this is a thing much us d among Professors; who are exceedingly offended that increase and multiply, was not made one of the ten Commandments. Then there is your praeter natural Conjunction Copulative, as when an Elders maid lies with a Mastiff or as when a Quaker buggereth a Mare. I will not positively determine whether it were lawful to do it or no: Yet this I will say in the defence of our brother; that truly man hath a very great liberty as being Lord of the Earth and of every creature that is therein. There is also your unlawful Conjunction copulative, and that is, when a Man lies with another Man's Wife. And lastly there is your lawful conjunction copulative, and that is when a Man lies with none but his own Wife: but when that will come to pass we know not for it is now adays out of fashion. Now these Copulative Conjunctions do produce Monstrous Children, & Cuckolds. But to a Ball, whether am I going: Truly I had almost forgotten my text, but my beloved 'tis the same thing; for so a man keep talking, you know, 'tis no great matter what he talks of; however since we have a beaten road, we will keep it if we can, let's see then what is next. And they. Now here ariseth a nother doubt, to puzzle a Prophet, yea even Daniel himself. For how can any body tell, who these They are, unless they behold. For my part I can't divine who these They, should be for my life. I do believe they were men; and men that did not use to eat Plum pies; for the text says, that when they had Eaten them, they rejoiced exceedingly. Our brother James Naylor in his learned comment upon Reynard the Fox, saith that these They are Women. But Cardan in his book of Subtleties utterly denys it. But you'll say, what reason do they give? Nay, they neither of them give any reason for what they say, only they tell us flat and plainly, like our brother Hinderson, that it is so: now one of these two must lie; but which of them, I profess I can't conceive. Truly my beloved I am in a wood: I wish some person of judgement and industry that has nothing else to do, would endeavour to satisfy us in this difficult question; for, for my part, I think 'tis of as great concernment, as many things that were handled at the Council of Trent. Now let's go on, And they did. He does not say, they did not, but they did. I, but what did they do? Why? they did that which no body could do for them: what was that you'll say? why then in plain English they did Eat. Marcus Tullius Cicero is of an opinion they did Drink too, as you may read in his Tusculan Questions. But Harry the eight writing against Luther takes an occasion to quarrel with Cicero and to deny it. For, saith he, it is not usual to drink after sweet things: because that sweet things never relish drink: neither is it probable they were such fools to put the sweet taste of their good Plum pie out of their mouths by drinking. Truly my beloved, had he not been a KING, I should have agreed with him: but being that he was a KING, yea an Idolatrous KING, I am resolved to contradict him: and therefore I do hereby openly declare before ye all, my beloved, that they did drink. But you'll object and say, how came I to know, I was not in their company: 'tis no matter for that, I will have it so, & if you will not have it so too, I'll be your Pastor no longer. But what did they eat all this while? why mark the words, And they did eat plum-pye. O ho! did they so? notable cunning rogues, they knew what was good for themselves I warrant ye. Here now we are to consider what sort of Plum-pye this was, and how many sorts of plum pies there are. For you must know, my beloved, that there are more than one sort of plum pies in the world: I myself have seen plums put into an apple pie, and it hath tasted exceeding savoury. There is you neat's foot pie, there is your calves cauldron pie, there is your Lamb pie, there is your veal pie, and all these pies have plums in 'em; but there is your Christmas pie and that hath plums in abundance, that is your Metropolitan plum pie, 'tis the cream of all plum pies, and in brief there is no plum pie like it. Truly my beloved, I wonder at the little wit of our brethren, that persecuted these pies so furiously in their pulpits: for can they undergo a worse persecution then to be eaten? take away Christmas I say, if you take away our pies, especially our plum pies. Truly my beloved, I wonder who invented these pies, who ever 'twas, God's blessing on his heart; surely 'twas a man for certainly a woman could never have so much wit. They talk of the invention of Guns and Printing; but doubtless the invention of plum pie doth far exceed it. He that discovered the new Star in Cassiopea the other day, deserves not half so much to be remembered, as he that first married minced meat and Raisins together. Mark but the ingredients. There is first your Neat's tongue boiled; Now you know a Neat's tongue boiled alone with turnips how good it is; but being mixed with plums and spice, there's your precious creature-comfort my beloved. The Ephod was beset with precious stones, and every one of them had their signification, and minced pies are beset with plums and spice; and they have also their virtues and their Hieroglyphical significations. Your Neat's tongue is the Hieroglyphic of pastoral authority. And therefore the Pope, who calls himself Christ's Vicar hath got a cap, which is called a Mitre, and this cap is made in the shape of two tongues. Your Currants are purgers of the blood and purify the seat of Anger which is the spleen; therefore do they cause mirth in men, and revive the spirits of times. Your raisins being mixed with wormseed preserve a man in the d grave, and destroy those crawling enemies of mankind, 
A New way of embalming.  that would continually diet upon his flesh. Now as concerning the original of these pies, we are in a very great quandary what to say. For our brother Starkie a man excellently learned in Chronology, attributes the invention thereof to St. George, one of the seven Champions, who travelling with the King of Egypt's daughter, was mightily called upon by his stomach for victuals, for that the King's daughter and he, had had nothing to feed on but his greasy socks for three days together: but at length meeting with a giant he chopped him to pieces with his sword, and put plums to his flesh, lest it should offend the squeamish stomach of his Mistress. But Kitchen an ancient English author and of good authority, tells us a story how that the Goths and Vandals coming into Italy, and being angry at the Romans, did threaten to cut them as small as herbs to the pot; now it so fell out, that having slain a very great number of them, they were (as every honest man ought to be) as good as their words; then searching further they found a great quantity of plums which the Romans had brought along with them to put in their puddings, for as you may read in Lipsius, the Romans never went without store of meal; then said the Vandals one to another, (they made a very fair speech,) let us be merry, and let us put these plums to our minced meat, and eat up the carcases of our enemies; with that the Vandals shouted so loud that they shook the very Alps themselves. Others relate and among the rest Dr. Harmar in his treatise of the excellency of mustard, how that the daughter of Astragon, she was the sister of Gondibert, did by chance being a liquorish dame, and not knowing what to do with some cold meat that was left at supper, mince the same meat and put plums thereto, she also mixed some herbs with her meat, which was well approved of; so that having tasted the sweets thereof, she commended it to her father and it became the fashion to eat plum pies, and hath been used in the Court of Princes ever since, so that there was hardly any time of the year but you might have had these Lombardy pies at Whitehall. But Col. Pride a Saint of the Greek Church writes in his Comment upon Tom Co●…iats Travels, how that St. James of Compostella a Spanish Saint, being in the Wilderness of Arabia, was overtaken with hunger. Now seeing that in that place he could have no assistance from Earth, he fell to his prayers; now as he was at prayers, gaping and winking, as our brother Case uses to do, it so fell out that a mince pie dropped from the sky into his mouth, even as Ancilia or shields of Mars dropped from heaven into the Capitol. He could pray no longer because his mouth was stopped: therefore he Eat what Heaven had sent him. Now you must consider that this miracle was soon divulged abroad; so that this sort of Pie became to be in a kind of sacred and reverend esteem among the people. And this was the reason of our forefathers, out of their great wisdom and piety did set this Pie aside among all the wonderful variety of Pies for the celebration of that solemn Feast called Christmas.  
Now you'll say how are these Pies to be eaten? why they are to be eaten hot, or to be Eaten cold; Now if you eat them hot, you must take a great care lest you burn your Chaps. But if you Eat them cold, there is no great danger of that, and you eat them more securely and with less trouble. And therefore my advice my beloved to you is, that you eat them cold. For I have heard of a Bridegroom that was killed before he could lie with his Bride, for adventuring to shovel hot minced Pie down his throat for a wager. Truly, my beloved, Sweet meat must have sour Sauce. Dr. Harmar, who, much good may it do him good man, did eat up a whole Rump of Beef for the love of the mustard, and would have eat up the Parliament for its name sake, had Fleetwood employed him and given him Mustard enough; I say this Dr. Harmar saith, that a man ought not to make above two bits of an ordinary Minced Pye. But Dr. Mariot a notable Casuist, in these disputes, and a Man of a sharp Stomach, is of opinion that a man ought to Swallow them whole. And therefore he was the first in the world that caused them to be made after the fashion of Boats that they might swim down his gullet the easier: & indeed he was a mighty enemy to four cornered pies, for he said they were used to stick in his throat. How these persons mentioned in my text did eat their Pies I cannot tell, or whether they did put any Sack in them or no: yet 'tis very probable; for Wine maketh the heart of man glad; and it is said in my text when they that had eaten their Plum pies they rejoiced exceedingly. Now my beloved to tell ye how they rejoiced will be a matter of great difficulty. Only this we can say in General, that their hearts leapt within them, that is to say their hearts danced Sarrabands and Corants for joy that they had eaten their plum pies. Now there are several ways to express a man's joy. Some men weep for joy, whether these people wept for joy I cannot tell, and because my text doth not speak at all of it, I would not have you to believe any man that tells you so: for that the world is now very full of Seducers and false teachers. But Secondly some men die for joy. Truly I do not believe that these men did so. Nay I will adventure for once though the words of my text speak nothing as to the point, to assure you out of my text that they did not die. Not that it is any thing to me, for I confess had they been hanged I had not cared a straw. But only to show you that a man is not always bound to keep close to his text. Thus Don Lewis de Haro's Uncle died Embracing his Mistress, for joy that he did Embrace her; but was not he a Fool? yes truly: Why? Why? because he died before he could enjoy that thing which caused that joy within him.  
But the joy which proceedeth from the Eating of Plum pies is worth a thousand of these joys, for it causeth men to rejoice exceedingly. But you'll say when doth a Man rejoice exceedingly? Why when a Man or a Woman laughs till they Piss again, then may they be said to rejoice exceedingly; when Men otherwise Grave and Reserved, sit after dinner, opening their hearts and telling the wanton stories of their Youth, then are they said to rejoice exceedingly. When a Citizen Kisses his Wife before all the Company, after Dinner, then is he said to rejoice exceedingly; but when she Kisses her Servant in private then is she said to rejoice exceedingly. And thus you see how it is the Duty of every one that Eats Plum pie to rejoice exceedingly.  
Is it so then that every Man who Eats Plum pie ought to rejoice exceedingly. Then let us Eat Christmas or Plum pie and rejoice, Drink, Eat, and be Merry, Play at Cards and win Money, for that the days of the Year, are now like the days of Man, short and soon Vanishing.   
FINIS.  

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