A DIALOGUE BETWEEN A Monkey in the Old Bayly AND AN Ape in High Holbourn.  Monkey. 
what's the matter Brother? you'll not speak of late without Anger and Passion ushers in the Discourse, I am sorry my Cracking of Nuts disturbs your Repose.  Ape. 
The Devil take your Cracking for me, it may easily be heard to the upper end of Holbourn: A Gentleman can't be a little Apishly disposed in Propositions, and Observations, or the like, but presently it's swallowed into the All-fogies of your Courant: the noise hath spoiled, I am sure, many a Friday morning's Nap, after whole Nights Observatoring.  Monkey. 
Why? Hath not Monkeys as much privilege for to write Courants for money to buy Nuts, as Ape's Observators for money to buy Apples.  Ape. 
No, you unmannerly Monkeys-Face, I think not, is there no difference between the Shepherd and his Dog? an Ape is a Gentleman, and by virtue of his Descent claims a great many Privileges as his Birthright.  Monkey. 
As much Manners as your Worship, and as well descended, if that be a sufficient toleration for Scribbling; nay, I never heard but a Monkey had the precedence, if not for gentility, yet for Honesty, for the world knows you are a sort of Creature that will be imitating: I believe the Gentleman pretended, is but one of your Apish tricks; but pray wherein lies your peculiar privilege above the Monkey?  Ape. 
That it may be a Correction to your Sauciness, I'll tell you: My Patent, like some sort of Pardons, was stamped by Creation, and is of so extensive a Nature, that I have liberty to Fiddle all sorts of Tunes, either Regal or Oliverian, to speak all sorts of Tongues, either Italian or English, to be of any Religion, Christian or Insidel, Protestant or Papist, to keep any Company, either Masters or Apprentices, to be dispensed with as to Ecclesiastical Cannons, in going to Church once a Year, instead of once a Month: to Ape any Office either in Church or State, to give Rules of Guidance not only to Ecclesiastical, but Secular Politics too: these and ten thousand more I could give you, but I must observe my Vow of Mortification: my fit is coming, I begin to swell, in a word know then I am the Centre in which all Actions and Public Resolutions for the Service of the Government, and what is done injurious to the King, or his Friends, meet.  Monkey. 
Cheap enough; who would wrong so Innocent a Soul? Did not I tell you, Roger, the property of an Ape: because the Printers Wife Paints her Face, therefore you must: a person of Honour had a Pardon come out of Paradise, therefore forsooth your Patent must be one of the six days Work too; but the Lawyers tell me that odd name was given the Child, because the Office of Baptism was performed after the Presbyterian way, without Godfathers', it being a Basketted thing, found at the door, and like to be kept by the great Parish-Stock, the Churchwarden of St. Martin's was not very curious in the thing, but your Patent is to my knowledge of a different Nature, having past the usual Offices, as Billingsgate, Newgate, S— House, Westminster-Hall, Sadlers-Hall, Doctor's Commons, etc. Oh me and St. Giles' Church too, (no further I hope that way yet) nay I have heard of a Commission that you have to seize all the Discourse of the Westphalia Folks, and all the talk over a Glass of Wine, as Prohibited Goods: Ah poor Pugg, look to thyself, thou knowest the man bragged he had power to seize Monkeys too: but Brother now I see your sits almost over, either do it yourself or give me leave to Read a few Lines more of that Famous Patent.  Ape. 
Pray do, the more you look, the worse you like; there is enough to make all the Monkeys in the world tremble!  Monkey. 
The more Danger the more Honour: Nothing Venture nothing Have: Oh Heavens what omissions you made, certainly you are the happiest man in the world, both for Privileges and Prerogative! What, to write any thing, whether True or False! to Abuse any person whether deserved or not: to say White is Black, or Black is White, to obtain an end: to say Popery is Protestantism, or Protestantism Popery; to write one week in Vindication of one Party, and for diversion sake the next Monday Morning fall upon the persons Vindicated; to persuade the people that its the Interest of Protestants to be very cautious of entertaining any ill opinion of the Genteel Papists: to be a Commonshore for Contribution to empty itself into, as well from— House, as Ely-House, to write Histories of Conspiracies, to Correct the Plotters mistakes in their own Discoveries: to perform sometimes the Priest's Office in Marrying Popery and Presbyterianism together, and making a modest Son of the Church Father too; calling Parliaments the Rabble of the Nation, and representing the Counsels and Debates of their House as Ridiculous as the Consult of Addressers at the Wonder! Calling Lord Mayors and Courts of Aldermen a company of Impudent Fellows: and Zeal against Popery, Faction and Rebellion: Arraigning the Government, Appeals to the Rabble, and the like: to justify the Papist as the Loyal Race of mankind, and wipe off Plots and Conspiracies, as Aspersions cast upon those men: and to excuse all by virtue of that Honest Maxim, It is my Trade, I am paid for what I do.  Ape. 
Stay, stay, the old Distemper, my Tympany, gins again to seize my Spirits, time is too short a space to Read it in, I'll give it you in short: I can be what I will, do what I will speak what I will, writ what I will, abuse who I will, commend who I will, and all this without Reason, Sense, Honesty, or Conscience: under this one pretence of Loyalty, and being serviceable to the Church.  Monkey. 
It's well you stopped me (I began to tyre)  
And gave me breathe a little to admire.  Ape. 
What is your Monkeyship of the Poetical Tribe, a company of Treacherous Rascals: you shall be sent to Oxford to Crack Nuts: to see a Loyal Gentleman invested with a Garment of many Colours, is that a thing so much to be admired at: I believe it rather an Object of Envy than Admiration.  Monkey. 
You are mistaken, I Envy neither the great Chair, nor the peaceable thing that sits in it, but if I see a Fool's Coat upon a Knaves back, and admire a little, who can hinder me? perhaps I have a mind to give my Eyes a Fairing in an Ocular glut upon so pertty an Object, for it falls out sometimes, that he that is Andrew upon the Stage, is Master of the Show in the Booth; or which is all one, he that is a Papist about the Middle-Row, is a Son of the Church as by Law Established, at St. Giles'; or if you consider him the other way, by that time he comes in Fanchurchstreet, by his Arrival with Dr. Fell at the Hague, (you know the Sea is Purgative) its petty Treason then to question the sincerity of the Conversion, or a kind of making the Government hold up its hand at the Barr. But why Brother should you be against the Poetical Tribe? Methinks this a kind of Reflection upon Marchiment Needham, and your Master's Servant in Salisbury Court, a kind of Arraigning the Muses, and the Menial Misses too: for my part I had rather go to Oxford to Crack Nuts, than to Rome for Filbirds, my Dinner upon a Courant in the Old Bailie, pleases me as well as Dining upon Observators at Sadlers-Hall, I had as live write for men, as Boys, and keep them Company when I have done; and have as much Fortune as my Standish will hold, to stand by them.  Ape. 
You Uncharitable and unmannerly Rascal, would I had but an Inquisition for your sake, and my great Chair in power, I would soon make you fell the weight of a Sentence that would sire you and your Courant about your Eears: what do you take me to be Jack on both sides, one half a Protestant, and the other a Papist?  Monkey. 
A Wit, a wit! An excellent hand at guessing I'll Vow, he has Rob me of the very Secrets of my Soul. A Jack-an-Apes on both side? yes hang me if that be not my thoughts, and that the left is the Romanist, because 'tis the Heart side; and you must not be affronted at my Opinion, for I am under the Conduct of one Mr. L. in the matter; inferior things you know must be guided, whether in Ecclesiastical or Civil Affairs. When Catholics has spoke suspiciously of your Sincerity in the Cause, you always had my good word. I challenge spoke suspiciously of your Sincerity in the Cause, you always had my good word. I challenge the most unbelieving man of them all to produce one single instance, that ever any Ape in the World spoke a word in his whole Life against the Church of Rome, and I am sure you are too much a Gentleman to act Retrograde to your own Nature; for most of the public Villainies charged upon the men of that Communion since the Discovery of the Plot, you have by a delicate kind of Habeas Corpus, removed the Gild, and with Pen in one hand, and Paper in tother, Aped behind the Dissenters Asses, and at the Lappet of his Coat fixed the whole Information, and so by a STRANGE kind of Metamorphosis his next Excrements becomes a Plot against the Government.  Ape, 
What need all these innumerations, Sirrah? for all this is within the power of my Commission, that since I know their thoughts better than they do themselves, why may not I be permitted to speak their words, and to speak any thing for such too, and then Beacon like warn the people of the danger, and if the don't come in quickly with their Contributions as well as others; I will send a Regiment or Two of Observators amongst them, to proceed to Military Execution, and then you shall see them Void nothing but Axes Hatches, and Gibbets, and the like Instruments of Death and Destruction: but who can charge the Genteel and Fashionable Religion of the Romanists, with any such Practice? they are too much Gentlemen to be Enemies to the King, or the Established Religion: to be concerned in Plots, and Conspiracies against the Government in such low and dishonourble things as Burn and Massacres: these actions more suit the Genius of the Mechanical Presbyterian, Dunghil-bred Dissenter, or the Clownish Conformist, that never consulted nothing but the English Bible, Bishop usher's Body of Divinity, the Dutch Anotations, or so, but those who have denoted themselves Disciples to Bellarmin, Thomas Acquinas, with the rest of those great and Heroic Souls, and have had their constant Conversation among Gentlemen, you may as well persuade me that Endymion's Palace is made of Green Cheese, or that Vesper once stole a Flitch of Bacon out of a Finchly Chimney, and carried it clear away from the poor Rustic into his own Region, as to talk me into a belief, that those accomplished Gentlemen of the Church of Rome, should be guilty of such Clownish and homespun Deportments as the late noise makes them, a man may sweep away this Dust, without doing any harm to Pavement, Altar, Chancel, nay Isle, Belfry or Steeple.  Monkey. 
Or Weathercock either. Ha' boy Hal, well done Roger, Coke him Pugg, is this one of the Tunes that was played before Oliver? This is a Genteel come off indeed, The History of the Plot, The Dissenters Say, Richard and Baxter, Ephraim and Ezekiel; The Case put are Idle and Ridiculous things to this: here's an exact account of the growth of Knavery indeed; Certainly none but Colleges Grand Jury can question such Evidence as this: here is the Doctrine of Probability all-over, and the Mystery of Jesuitism unvailed; without question, this was blown out of a Roman-Nose: I don't question, hadst thou but the fanatics in thy power, they should all be cut out into two penny Chaps, and Stewed in a Philip and Mary Pipkin; dost not think a good Honest Churchman, by way of Addition, would not make the Broth and Sippets the better? I believe to suck boths Bones would have an equal sweetness in your Palate, but yet I commend thee, Roger, (for its pity but the Devil should have his Due) it's an act of kindness to give them warning, thou scornest to let the Gentry be run down, being with in the Lines of Communication yourself, if one may run the hazard of believing you: for one of the Gadburian Tribe in the Ancient Bailey (a good Careful Fellow, tells the world he has Calculated your Nativity, and that a three penny Planet Ruled the Roast, others say it is because of an Apish Habit of lolling, that your Doublet is so often out at Elbows: Its pity truly that a Gentleman should be born under such a Beggarly Influence, and under the inevitable control of such Apish and destructive Gestures: but an Ape will be an Ape, what says Scoging? who can reasonaby expect Oats in the Excrements, when the Horse never eat any thing else but Hay and Straw? this is the strenuousest Argument against the Validity of the Evidence of a Popish Plot, that ever the world yet heard of what Clownish and unmannerly Generation of men those are that asperse Gentlemen at this Rate who have parts and Breeding of their own, and Persons of Quality to their Parents? Men that have such Brave and Generous Principles Hereditary to them, to charge them with Plots, is a little hard, I confess, and upon a due Consideration of the Premises, I am a little wavering in the matter myself: (here is Observatoring for you, Care) enough to stop your Mouth to Eternity; but I know you'll say, It's either a Lestrange or a Strange-Lee, and if you do I cant help it, Droll and Impudence are of as comfortable Importance to the Gent. as any Canterbury Divine ever had to his Back: well you have brought the People of the Church of Rome off with Drums beating and Colours Flying, I have nothing more to say, I am forced to yield to the Strength of Argument: But before we part Prithee let's have your Opinion about this new or Protestant Plot, do you think Its Real or no?  Ape. 
This Question Tickles my Fancy, indeed I waited for it all this while, for you must know I have a Double Obligation upon me to bring one off, and the other on, but when I talk of a Protestant Plot, I would not be misunderstood in the Definition, as if it was to be attributed solely to the Dissenters from the Established Church; for we have a sort of Unthinking Churchmen now a days, understanding not Articles aright, think themselves in Charity obliged to have Respectful thoughts of their Dissenting Brethren: that make a great stir about the Virtues of Love and Peace which the Gospel enjoins. And look upon it as absolutely necessary for the securing the Protestant Religion that a good Correspondence be maintained betwixt the two parties, so that I would be understood in this Conjunctive signification in the matter, for we have People under the Denomination of moderate Sons of the Church, that I can't in Conscience Discharge, they carry it so fairly to the Dissenters, and are in many particulars worse; and to make the matter more plain, I must take up the Clergy too, that make too great Noise upon the fifth of November, and will not pay their Contribution money to a Gentleman that spends himself for the service of the Church, who to Render him the more Capable is obliged to Devil after the other end of Town Grandeur, and I believe between these two, a thing called the Protestant Plot was begotten, and none but a sort of Infidels will question it; for my part, it hath found a Room in my Creed already, and I shall make it my business to maintain the Truth of it to the last drop of Ink in my Standish.  Monkey. 
This is brave indeed! Gallantly spoke, I'll assure you: This makes a very considerable Addition to your former Accomplishments, and in my opinion sets you down very near the Pale of Perfection, I mean that side which you say Dissenters finished their Course on. Certainly he that taught an Ape to hold a Candle, was mighty ingenious, for then the Creature was made a kind of Luminary to the World, and was in his kind very serviceable. I knew, Roger, how to please thy Fancy, for I found thee always expressing a great deal of pleasure when some occasion was found of exposing the Protestant Interest, though the thing quarrelled at, never was heard of before. The Protestants are mightily beholden to you for your good Service indeed; and they are mighty ungrateful that do not publicly own it, as well as privately contribute for it: For my part, was I not well acquainted with your Nature and Temper, I could scarce believe any Creature upon Earth could ever have arrived at that degree of Impudence as to pretend himself a Gentleman to whom the Church of England is so much in debted for his good Offices he has done her. If you had said the Church of Rome, I would have soon believed you, for there is no man in the whole world that is acquainted with your Pamphlets and the Circumstances of the Papist in the present conjuncture, but will be obliged in Respect to Truth, to own that your Scribbling of late hath been as Serviceable to those sort of men as any thing in the whole World could be. As several of the Learned and Reverend of the Conforming Clergy hath, as occasions have presented, Declared, and it is no acquittal from the Clergy to object, that you have wrote in the vindication of the Established Church, for I look upon that merely as a Cloak for Malicious Insinuations to pass the more unsuspectedly; you do not, because you Durst not do that; besides its inconsistent with the Cause you have espoused that you should, for under the notion of being a Stickler for the Church, the work is Accomplished, Persons being apt to Conclude that such a Person Designs no Ill, that makes a Noise about the Church, though there is few Persons whose Conversation hath been any thing public, but hath heard as much from the most Professed Papist, now I think never the better of such a man in this Commending Humour, because I know him to be such an avowed Enemy to the Church, that nothing would please him better than to see her as well as the Dissenters partakes in the same Calamitous Subversion, though for the present it comports not with his Interest to Discover the true Sentiments of his Soul: But the Hypocrite some way or other is usually a self Discoverer; what Labour and Pains hath a few Hackney Rogues in Print taken to Evince the Reality of a Protestant Conspiracy, expressing thereby the Delightfulness of their Souls, to Endeavour to Impress such A belief upon the minds of men and in doing this, what Insinuations they give us that the Popish Plot is a little questionable, and that we must not be too forward in giving a believing Entertainment to the Evidence about one; but on the Protestant side, every Undutiful word of a heated Brain must without Control be Represented as a Plot against the Government: Now can any Person of Consideration with Respect to the Protestant Interest, think these men any Friends to it, who make it their Business to Impair the Credit of the Popish Conspiracy, and to Advance the other: And to muster up the most notorious Lies and Falshoshoods to Confirm the Story: Well Brother, let me but ask one question more and I will trespass upon your patience no farther at present; What is the Reason the French King is so much in your Favour that you pass over his Proceed against the French Protestants with so kind an Observator?  Ape. 
Because A Company of whigs tell such Improbable Stories of the Cruelty that is shown them, that none but A man with four Legs could ever be Guilty of.  Monkey. 
What An unpar alleled Error have I been in all this while! I always thought Queen Mary and the Rest of the Popish Princes with us that was so Cruel in Burning and Destroying so many Protestants had been Persons that had but two Legs and two Hands a Piece: I had the like Opinion Concerning Bloody Bishop Bonner, Gardiner, and the rest of the Murdering Clergy of those times, that so Barbdrously used so many Protestants Ministers and others amongst us, I always thought the same of all those Massacrating People, (the Popish Priests and others) in Ireland, that so Inhumanely murdered so many thousand Men Women and Children: And the Popes too; (that are a Sort of Creatures, as the Papist say, neither Men nor Gods) at whose Charge all those Savage Murders of Protestants in all Ages are to be Laid, which may justly make that Religion odious to all Mankind; I say, I always thought that these Infallible Murderers of Protestants had not no more Hands and Legs neither: And that you may have a French Story too, I believed the same of those that Carried on the Masacre at Paris. What art a French Pensioner too, Roger? is this also Contribution work? I had thought you had only under-taken the Vindication of our English Catholics: But I see I was mistaken, I hope suddenly, to see the French Kings pretences in Flanders and Germany, justified at a Dialogue between a Dutch Whig and a French Tory; well I'll say but one word to take off the Fears and Jealousies if the People, and then bid you adieu; and 'tis only this, That they would Entertain no fear of a Papist, nor a Popish Successor, till they see one that hath four Legs and four Hands, for he that has but two a piece can never beable to hurt them.  Ape. 
No more they can't; and none but A Company of Ignorant whigs will fear it.   

London: Printed for John Johnson. 1681.