A DIALOGUE BETWEEN Hodge and Heraclitus: OR, A CHARACTER OF An Informer, With his lewd Practices laid open By Goodlove Freeman, Esq Printed for D. Davies in Duke street, A DIALOGUE BETWEEN HODGE and HERACLITUS. Herac. OHo, Brother, whether so fast, you seem somewhat pensive, what's the matter, I hope the little Monkey-face Solicitor in the Old Bayly, nor the Printers wife, nor the ugly ghost of forty one hath not crossed your way in your passage. Hodg. Damn that Rat-catcher, and as for the other piece of starched formality I have no need of now, those days are past, but to tell you the Truth, Brother, (which I am not often guilty of) In going to sam's, to instruct our young Pupels. Herac. But what Paper hast thou got in thy hand, which you seem not well pleased with Hodg. Why shall I tell thou, it is a confounded Whigish Paper which I formerly stopped when I was in power, but is now creeped abroad, I tell thee the Reading of it hath so disturbed me, that I thought I should have took up my Lodging with Oliver's Porter in the n●w college in moorfield's, had not I been now and then diver●●d with the Charms of a new Song of Old Simon the King, whic● 〈◊〉 Chanters sing daily by my Window. Herac. But prithee let me see thi● Paper, I have a great mind to hear it read. Hodge, Here, take it and read it, thou art the youngest man, faith and troth I have not my Spectacles about me, or I would not give you the trouble, but I know i● will not please you, here take it. Herac. A new Character of an Informer. Hodge, A P—— d——— it, read that the rest of the Company may hear it, for this will make us work enough for some weeks Herac. Be patiented, sir, and I will begin. The Character of an Informer. AN Informer (I mean of the base sort, whose Picture only is here intended to be drawn) Is one of the Devils Nut-hooks; a Privileged Trapan, or a common Barretor under pretence of Authority: a Pettifogging Caterpillar that scandalises the Law, by making it accessary to his Rapines and Oppressions; a new Trapp for the Tongue, that Lime-twigs all that come near him, and puts most that he converses with, on the tenterhooks of an Indictment for nothing. A mischievous Vermin, bred out of the Corruption of the Body Politic; that feeds (like Toads) only on Poisons, and sucks the peccant Humours so long (like a Horseleech) till he burst with Venom, or is forced to disgorge by the Emetic quality of a Halter: He makes good the old Maxim, Summum Jus, Summa injuria; and cuts Justice's Balance to pieces with her own Sword; He talks all Law, and never troubles his head with Equity or Religion, unless it be only to suppress them, and having no Conscience himself, is resolved to be a Plague to all those that dare own they have any: He never opens his Mouth but you shall see it Lined with some old dormant Piece of Poulton, whom he reads merely as Conjurers do Scripture, to do mischief with it; You would think him bred a Glazier, he is so apt to pick Quarrels; or some broken Merchant, that has fling his soul overboard, to make himself every way a complete Bankrupt. He will court a man to beat him, that he may worry him next Sessions for the Battery, and drop dangerous words on purpose to Prosecute you for concealing them; Presentments, Citations, Warrants, Convictions, Seazures, &c, are his Universal Language, and he is better acquainted with the Form of an Indictment, than his Pater Noster, for he never names God, but when he swears by him. His Revenue consists in Actions Popular, and his whole employment is to go a Fishing with Penal Statutes; he thinks by that to take store of fat Gudgeons, but at last catches only a Frog? For his malicious Projects (like chemical Attempts of Transmuting Metals) seldom answer the trouble and charge; and his mighty Incomes of Penalties can but just purchase Ale enough to make him drunk, and afterwards he is forced to run on the Tick (at a Friends) for Coffee to make him sober, if he may be said ever to be so; whose Hare-brained Sk●ll is perpetually Hurrycaned with malice, and in Childbed throws till 'tis delivered of some New-minted Villiany. There is nothing in Nature so base and contemptible as one of his Quality; a Bumbailiff is a worthy Gentleman to him, and the Apparator scorns his company more than a Phanitick does a Parson's: the Boys stare on him as a Monster; Big bellied Women are ready to miscarry at the sight of him, and People generally avoid his Converse as they would do the Pestilence, and indeed they have reason, for he is one of Gods more grievous Judgements! Squire Catch himself would not endure the scandal of drinking a Pot with him, were he not in certain hopes of a future Advantage by him? a Popish Fireball Flinger is not more hated in the City than he, only the Justice's Clerk and He call Cousins, because he brings the most Grists to his Mill, and warrants him a Trade. The Wise Athenias (we read) banished a Coffin-maker out of their City, because the cause of his mirth was others sadness; what would they have done with such a Setting-dog, (who like a beast of Prey) lives wholly on mischief, and can neither eat nor drink, without some Law be violated; so that if ever he say any Prayers, they are only that men may daily increase their crimes, and act more unlawful things; that his Gains may rise proportionably. For though like a c●nning Archer, he seem to make the Public Service the Mark of his aim, yet he squints aside at his own ends, which are the true Butt all the Arrows of his Prosecutions are shot at: He pretends himself a Zealot for Law, and the Churches chief Scavinger; But is in truth a Prostituted Varlet, and for all him, Episcopacy might lie in the Kennel, and Acts of Parliament (though never so just and necessary) stop Mustard-pots, if he did not hope to get a Spill by them. And for Twopences advance, from either Geneva or Rome, i'll undertake the same Fellow would burn the Common-prayer, and tear Magna Charta to pieces, if he have not done it already. Whatever boasts therefore he makes of his Loyalty, or Orthodoxness, those that wear any Eyes about them will judge, so bad a man can scarce make the best Subject and that we are like to have a glorious Reformation, when open Profaneness is employed to correct supposed Heresies: a Good Cause is undoubtedly scandalised by such vile Instruments, and could not but Blush to see those Prosecute Persons for Ceremonial Nonconformities, who are themselves so much unconformable to all the fundamental Laws of Religion and Morality? Does it not sound excellently to hear one of these promoting Hectors cry out, Damn me, before I have done, i'll make all these Fanatic Sons of Whores come to our Church, and s●rve God gallantly. Is not this think you, a fit Agent to Proselyte D ssenters? a rare Saints-Bell to Ring all into the Organs? Yet examine his Pedigree, and you must confess him descended of an ancient Stock, being the Son of Abaddon, or a natural By-blow of Belzebub's, whom without breach of Charity we may conclude to be the first Founder of this order of Informants, since the Scripture reckons amongst his Titles, That of Accuser of the brethren, Nor is he less nobly allied, For Hamman and Julius were his two Elder Brothers, and Free of the same Trade, though bot● Hanged, which serves only as an Omen of what at least he deserves, though the times should prove so unjust as not to give it him. His younger Years were but an Apprenticeship in Debauchery, and having by Lust and Riot, consumed his Patrimony, or what he could cheat others of, he now Imagines to Retrieve a Fortune by spoiling and wasting those that have been either more Pious or Industrious: He has broke ofter than a Town-Gallant has been Clapped, and followed more Tricks than a Country Mercer usurps Trades; But all failing. The Devil in pure pity wished him to this New Employ, and furnished him with a Prodigious Stock of Wickedness to set up with; yet being unwilling to Trust him without Security he freely made a Mortgage of his Soul, and swears he has cheated the Subtle Fiend, because it was forfeited long before. He is now as eager after his Prey as a half-starved Cormorant, and cares not though he ruin half a Nation, to support his own Prodigality's, being so perfectly Mercenary, That he would accuse his own Father (if he did but know him) of Treason, and burn his Mother for a Witch, to get six pence: He values an Oath no more than a Gamester, and swallows Perjuries as fast and as easily as a Juggler does Pins and Daggers. He Ferrets a Conventicle just as a Poll-cat does Rabbits in their Burroughs, and the Rich men there skulks down in their Pews when they see him come in, dreading him more than a Partridge does a Hawk, or a City Crack a Marshal's man▪ I never before knew the meaning of ●hat Latin Proverb, Lupus in Fabula, but now I Guess the English to be An INFORMER in a Meetinghouse, for sure the sight of him is enough to make a Teacher hoarse; most of the Day he spends perdue in blind Alehouses, and little Sallies to discover who hath the Impudence to serve God, And before Night he is sure to be in the Crown-Office: A Justice of Peace can never be at quiet for him; and the honest Constable looks upon him as his Evil Genius that is perpetually haunting and egging him on to mischief: Yet though he be thus troublesome to others, he is still his own greatest Enemy, for whilst he designs harm to others, it redownds to himself; And Goodmen like Cammomile grows the better (perhaps the more Numerous and Faster) for his treading them down. He being only as a black ground to set off the Lustre of their Merits, since often times whilst malice seeks to wound, it cures those against whom 'tis Levelled, and destroys itself, like the Glass that Reverberating the Serpents Poison killed her with her own Weapon. Just as he gets his Money he spends it, For as he takes Wages to fight against God, so he lays it out again in the service of the Devil, Consuming in Bawdy-houses, what he gets by surprising Meeting-houses; so that his Rapines not being able to supply his Prodigal Debaucheries▪ and his Hellish Designs being blasted by Heaven, he is either forced at last to cast Anchor in a Goal, or else is mowed down as a Noxious Weed by the Sith of Justice: To which deserved Fate I leave, etc. I leave him, if in the mean time his guilty Conscience (hitherto smothered) do not before Revive & Condemn him, and he himself save the Hangman a Labour, by preventing Him. Hodg. I smell by the stile of it, that this seems to be written by the confounded damned Whig, W. or C. or V or the Tub Preacher in White-Fryers. Hirac. P—— on't Brother, it must be one of these, or all of them in the brave club together, for it is a close thing. Hodge, I understand by their discourse, that they have their private Cabals as well as we. Hirac. Yes, yes, Mr. T. and H. and W. daily frequent them in Masquerade, but enough of this, let us pelt at it sound in our next. Hodg. With all my heart, here's work for one Month, P— on't, so farewell. FINIS.