A Dialogue betwixt Mr. State Rogue, a Parliament-man, and his old Acquaintance Mr. John Undertaker.  State Rogue. 
WHat moody, musing Jack, winding up thy Politics? Come prithee what project on Foot now? For I know thou art a Man of Projects.  John Undertaker. 
O my dear State Rogue! why ' saith I'm just now going to your House at Westminster, that Famous Nursery of your Name and Family.  S. R. 
What to the Parliament House? Prithee what Business hast thou there?  J. U. 
Why, to tell you the Truth, I'm going to try what I can do in order to stem that Tide of Blood that runs with such a mighty Torrent from the Veins of my distressed dear Countrymen.  S. R. 
What some Project of Peace on foot, Jack? 'Tis so upon my Life, and the Grand Lewis has made thee Mediator. Well, thou'rt a rare Fellow; a most excellent Undertaker. I see thou hast not thy Name for nothing, no more than I  J. U. 
No ' saith, he has not employed me; nor am I going about his Business, but my own, and my Countries.  S. K. 
As what prithee?  J. U. 
Why look you, I intent to propose it to the House, the carrying on a vigorous War against France, or carrying on the War against France with vigour; take it which way you will.  S. R. 
A very pretty Proposal. Why this has been proposed, and resolved on, Seven years agone.  J. U. 
Why ay this is true; but you see, and we all see, that here is nothing come of it. Therefore I intent to undertake the Business myself, my dear State Rogue: And first, I'll know of our wise Senate how many Millions per An. they will give me to do it; and how many Years they are willing to allow me to humble this great and mighty Monarch of France.  S. R. 
Well, and what then?  J. U. 
Why then, for Six Millions per An. and Seven Years to effect it, I'll undertake the Business.  S. R. 
What alone, and without an Army?  J. U. 
Ay, ay, alone; and without an Army. Give me but Money enough, and let me alone for Undertaking?  S. R. 
As how prithee?  J. U. 
Why, thus, do you mark me? Look you, as soon as I have got the Money, away go I into Flanders, live great, spend the Money, no matter how; look on peaceably, and be a Witness of the King of France's taking several of our strong Towns; and when the French Army have done the Business, they cut out for that Campaign, and are gone to their Winter Quarters, away come I home again; tell the Parliament what noble Feats I have done, ask them for another Six Millions, return to Flanders again the next Season, and do just as I did, before; and so go on till the Seven years are expired: And if this won't reduce France, and save the Lives and Reputation of our brave English Boys, the Devil is in't.  S. R. 
Ha', ha', ha', by my troth thou makest me laugh; a most incomparable Project! O rare Mr. Undertaker! But thou'rt not in earnest sure Jack?  J.U. 
Not in earnest? Yes, in good gerning earnest. Why prithee State Rogue where is the Difficulty? Is there any Difficulty in my going into Flanders, and back again? Is there any Difficulty in my standing by, whilst the French take our Towns? Is there any Difficulty in my ask the Parliament Money? And can there be any Difficulty in my taking the Money, when they frankly give it me? Where, in the Name of Pharaoh, than lies the Difficulty of carrying on my Project? Now, Mr. State Rogue, what occasion have you for laughing?  S. R. 
Ha', ha', ha'; Oh I shall die, I shall die; ha', ha', ha'; Oh I shall kill myself with laughing. Why the Devil's in thee sure to talk at this rate.  J. U. 
Now can't I, for the Soul of me, understand where lies this merry Conceit; nor what in the Name of Fate it is that thou laughest at. I ask thee where's the Difficulty in my Undertaking, and thou fallest a Laughing.  S. R. 
Ha', ha', ha'; why not, my noble Undertaker, here's no great Difficulty in thy going into Flanders, and back again, etc. But the Difficulty remains Man still of conquering France. And the Difficulty is, That the Parliament should be such a Pack of Fools, and Asses, as to give thee such a Mass of Treasure as thou hast projected, to the impoverishing and sinking the Nation, to carry on a Project that has neither Head nor Tail; to carry on a vigorous War with France, and here's no War commenced, nor like to be, according to thy Project.  J. U. 
Shaw, shaw, you talk like an Apothecary. Why is it not the same Thing for the Parliament to give me the Millions for looking on, and seeing our Towns taken, as to give it to a Dutch Man, who takes with him a mighty Army, and does no more with it than I do alone? Nay, don't I deserve it infinitely better? For do I hazard any one but myself, and that not much you see? Do I harrass a Hundred thousand Men off their Legs, one Year after another, to as little purpose as to set our Dogs to bark against the Moon? Do I let Men die like Dogs in Ditches, and starve them for want of Bread? Do I lead on an Army to Face the Enemy, cry holoo, set them on, and then run away, and leave them to be sacrificed? Where's the Wonderment then in giving me these mighty Sums, who am an honest English Man, for doing alone better Service than the Dutch Man, and all his Army? Why don't I maintain the Honour and Reputation of our Country, and Countrymen, infinitely better than he? For I'm resolved never to put it to the hazard of a Battle, or being shamefully beaten, when I know we must be beaten so often as we fight. What think you, Mr. State Rogue, I think the Case is plain and clear: And yet if the Parliament gives me these formidable Sums presently, they are a Pack of Fools, and Asses. But to give it to this Dutch Man, who has no more Right or Title to it than I have, they are a wise Senate. Prithee show me the Wisdom for the one, and the Folly for the other, and now you had best laugh again.  S. R. 
By my Life I begin to think thou'rt in earnest indeed.  J. U. 
Why have I not Reason to be so? I don't see but the Project may take. I have as much Money as he 'tis true, but still I save the Men. And if the Parliament is so prodigal of their Country's Money, as to throw it away to no purpose, may it not as well, nay better, be given to an honest English Man, as well as to a Dutch Man? Besides, I could find ways to spend the Money at home, and so let it circulate, and not impoverish the Nation. And is not this better than the Dutch Man's sending it abroad to be circumcised, and so sent home to us again to set us all together by th' Ears?  S. R. 
Come Jack, prithee leave off this Boffoonery, and be serious. What, in the Name of Pharaoh, should make thee imagine that the Parliament should give thee such vast Sums of Money for no Service; only for looking on, and seeing the French conquer, and take our Towns?  J. U. 
And what, in the Name of Jupiter, should make thee approve of their actually giving it to a Dutch Man, for the very same Non-service?  S. R. 
Prithee has not this Dutch Man (as thou callest him) a formidable Army at his Command, to oppose the Growth and Greatness of the Power of France, to hinder them from making any further Progress in their Conquests, and to carry on the War with vigour against them?  J. U. 
Very good; and after Six years' Experience, and trial of Skill, what has this Dutch Man, and his mighty Army, done more than I alone would have done? Have not the French, for all him and his formidable Army, been always successful? Have they not taken what Towns they pleased? Have they not shamefully beaten us, time after time, so often as they had a mind to fight us? And have not the English Army as shamefully run away, to the Dishonour of their Country? Who were always wont to conquer, and never to be beaten, when led on by an English King; but when headed and led on by a Dutch Hogan Mogan Stadtholder, what wonder if they are degenerated, and become the Scorn and Contempt of Christendom? And yet for this worthy Service, Mr. State Rogue, and his Crew, cry every Sessions, Come let us give him more Money; let us pick the Pockets of our Fellow Country men; and drain and sink the English Nation to make Holland great, and let us erect their Trophies on our Ruins; let every Nobleman and Commoner be unplumed, that a Hogan Mogan Stadtholder may flutter and fly with our Wings. This is the down right plain English of all your Proceed; put on what Vizard or Mask you please to gull the People. This Dutch Man no sooner returns from his shameful Beat, but he is Huzzaed into Town with Bonfires and Illuminations, as if he returned a mighty Conqueror: And what is all this but perfect Madness? And who could possibly commit such notorious Follies, but a Rebellious Nation, who with their Loyalty had lost their Brains. He, notwithstanding all his shameful and disgraceful Campaigns, impudently cries out more Money; and ye, the Caterpillars and Frogs of Egypt, croak and echo presently more Money, come let us give it him. And this has been the cry so lo●g, that the Nation not only squeeks, but groans under the Burden that ye their worthy Representatives have laid upon it, and know not how to unburthem tnemselves.  S. R. 
Ay, ay, Jack; and let the Nation Squeak and Groan on; so long as we Laugh, the Care is taken. Prithee who may they thank for their Squeaking and Groaning but themselves? Was not almost the whole Nation mad for a Dutch King, and a War with France? And now they have them, they are sick of them; out so long as we the R●p●esentatives are Gainers by it; so long as the Dutch Stadtholder is kind to us, and feeds us plentifully with Money, let them be sick, and die, and be damned; we matter it not, for we are resolved to give him Money still. Look you, Jack, you know one good Turn deserves another: And so long as our K. William is kind to us, why should not we be kind to him? Especially when we can do it at so cheap a R●te, as the picking one Pocket to fill another. 'Tis but robbing Peter to pay Paul: And so long as the Dutch King seeds us English Men with good English Gold, he shall never want it old Boy.  J. U. 
O most incomparable Patriots! English Men, English Devils rather, Pick pockets, Betrayers of your Country, Hangmen of your Fellow Subjects and Countrymen, the People's Scourge and Plague; have we entrusted you with our All to do us Justice, and to redress our Grievances, and ye make it your Business to undo us, to rob us, to enslave us? Ye have already beggared the Nation; and what is the Consequence of Beggary out Slavery? And thus ye go on in your Villainy, and laugh at us. 'Tis but robbing Peter, ye cry, to pay Paul: But when Peter has no more Money, how, in the Devil's Name, will ye pay Paul? And 'tis almost come to that already. But I suppose when Peter has no more Money, he is to be stripped, sold, and sent a Slave to Amboyna, or some of the Dutch Plantations, to make room for them to Lord it here. Ye Crocodiles! Ye brood of Vipers! O if it was but Lawful, with what pleasure I could curse ye! O England! unhappy England! betrayed by thy own Children! What is there never an English Massianello that has the Courage to run through the Streets of London, and cry out to the People, We are betrayed? No true English Man that dare stand up for Liberty and Property?  S. R. 
Why how now, Jack, thou'rt Angry.  J. U. 
Angry; by H— vens I think it would make any Man Angry, I'm sure any true English Man. What honest English Man can see his Country sinking ruined and undone, without concern, and no Man lend a hand to bu●y it up? To so those Men who are at the Helm, and whose Business it is to bring the Ship safe on Shore, using all Arts and Tricks to run her on Ground, and split her all in Pieces? Prithee dear State Rogue, if we must be ruined, let it not be in such bloody haste. Six Millions per Ann. a formidable Sum, and for what? Every Spring to go over into Flanders to see the French Campaign; and if we approach too near, we are sure to get a kick of the Breech for our Sauciness; and are sound beaten. Why all that we can possibly aim at, is to wait on the French Army, to dig ourselves into Trenches, and like Foxes secure ourselves in Holes, for fear the French should devour us. And since this is all the Business, since my first Project will not take, I have another in my Head, and that is this. Let us capitulate with France, and give the French King Three. Millions per An. to sit still where they are, and go no farther; so here will be Three Millions per Ann 〈◊〉 besides the, Lives of many Thousands of our best Men; And thus we shall be able to hold out the War with vigour, many Years longer. What thing you of this Project, want this do neither?  S. R. 
I think thou art a rare Fellow at Projects: But this wont do by any means. This will never take in the House; for what shall we get by it?  J. U. 
Get by it, what do you mean? If we don't get, at least we shall save.  S. R. 
As what prithee?  J. U. 
Why we shall save many a sound Drubbing, we shall save our Bones whole in our Skins, we shall save spilling our Blood, we shall save Three Millions of Money yearly; and I think this saving is a kind of getting.  S. R. 
Poh; all this is nothing, thoa mistakest me. I say, what shall we the Representatives in Parliament get? What is it to us who Loseth, so long as we are Gainers? For 'tis not the Nation's Business that we are concerned for now, but our own proper Interest. Will the French King bribe us, as does K. William? Will he make us his Pensioners, and will he be more generous to us than K. William?  J. U. 
He will upon my Life; provided ye prove as great Rogues to King William, as ye did to his Father. Betray him as ye did his Father, kick him out of the Kingdom, and then swear he has abdicated, and then vote yourselves all Kings: And I'm sure all honest thinking Men will believe ye as good Kings as the Dutch Stadtholder. Do this, I say, and the King of France will give ye any Thing: Nay, I dare engage ye Three Millions per Ann. shall all be at your Service.  S. R. 
Why i'faith, Jack, set this Project on foot, and I fancy it may take. Make us but sure of larger Bribes from the French King, and I'll engage for my Brother Rogues he shall have the Money. Why prithee Self interest is our God, and Religion: And as we have for this betrayed our King and County; where is the Difficulty, for a greater Interest, of playing the same Trick over again, and leaving the Prince of Orange in the Lurch, and becoming Friends to France? Look you, Jack, that you may not doubt of Success in this Affair; be assured 'tis our Principle, to sacrifice Father, Brother, King, any Thing for Interest.  J. U. 
Dear State Rogue, I'm satisfied it is so. Well, I'll to the House, and propose the Project there; you assure me it will take? And then for France, and the Business is done. But hark you, State Rogue, you'll make your Interest in the House, and I will secure you out of the Three Millions: Let me see,— Let me see,— Five hundred Guineas for a Bribe. Be sure you lay before your Brother Rogues a Mass of Money, a Million at least of the Three shall be distributed amongst them, as a yearly Pension, to encourage them in their Roguery, and make them a Pack of thorough paced villains; for those you know are the Men of Honour, the Men of Worship, in little England.  S. R. 
Fear not, Jack; if thou canst manage the Project right with Grand Lewis, and secure us the Money, the Business will most assuredly be done: For we have a prevailing Party in the House, that Money will tempt them to any Thing. There is not such a Devil in Hell as this Money, to work a Parliament-man into what Form or Figure you please; enough of this will make him what Devil you have a mind to, and when he has got the Money, call him as many Rogues, Villains, and Devils as you please, he laughs at ye; and cries, 'tis better to be a rich Rogue than a poor Devil, as ye Jacobnes are, starving about Town under that foolish Notion of Loyalty. Five thousand Guineas didst thou say, for a Bribe? Ay, that may do, I'll take it: And if I give it back again, as my Lord what do you call him did, mark me down for a Fool, as well as a Knave. Prithee tell me, Jack, is not every Man desirous to put himself into the Mode, and Fashion of the Times? Why now is the Time, and Fashion, for every Man to be a Knave, a Villain, a Rogue, a Rebel, a Traitor; and he who is the greatest, is the most admired; and in this we glory and pride ourselves, and laugh and despise such poor honest Loyalists as thou, and thy Suffering Brethren term yourselves; who have little else to do, but to sigh, and groan, for a turn of Fate, which ye call by the Name of better Times. Alas poor Animals! We often meet you in the Streets with dejected Countenances, like so many Ghosts that live in Monuments, and have no other Conversation than amongst the Dead: And your only Diversion is, to curse the Times, rail strenuously against the Government, to get into little Jacobite Coffeehouses, and Ale house Clubs, (for the poor Devils have no Money to drink Wine with) there to build Castles in the Air, how King James is to be restored, and then what brave swaggering Boys you'll be. Ha', ha', ha', farewel, my honest Undertaker. Live on with that pernicious Principle of Honesty, and be still as little as it will make thee, whist we the Knaves prosper, and grow great: But however forget not to stem the Tide of English blood, and save the Nation Three Millions per. Ann. by virtue of giving us one. Farewell.  J. U. 
Fear not, it shall be done.  S. R. 
But stay, now I think on't, what art thou, Jack, to get by this Project, in case it succeed? We you know are to give out of the People's Money Three Millions per Ann. that the French King will be quiet, and keep within his Lines; and for this doing, the great Monarch is to give us the Reprosentatives in Parliament, One Million back again. Good: This is just as we do with the Prince of O. He puts the Question, Will we pick the Pockets of our Fellow Subjects every Year and give him out of them Six Millions per An. to carry on a vigorous War with France? And our Answer was, Give us ●00000. l for every such Sum, and the Business shall be done, as you see effectually it is. Now if France will be contented with half the Sum, and redouble upon us what Will. O gave us, I see no difficulty in the Business: For this way we shall get more, and oppress the Poople less. But than what will my honest Undertaker get by the Projects?  J. U. 
The Honour to do my Country Service, the Reputation of a true honest English Man, and Lover of his Country, nothing else. And this I value more than all your sordid Gold, that ye have unjustly and barbarously squeezed from the Sweat and Blood of your Country.  S. R. 
Why then, my true honest English Man, farewell: And may'st thou grow fat with Honour and Honesty, whilst we Knaves wallow in Gold, and roll in Plenty. And so I leave thee to think and wish for better Times: Ha', ha', ha'.  Mr. John Undertaker, solus. 
Good God what is this World come to? What an Age it this we live in? When perjured Villains, Knaves, Rebels and Traitors, shall brave it thus, and gl●ry to be so? When Sin and Wickedness shall be exalted to the Throne, and Virtue and Honesty trampled under Foot? When honest Men shall not be permitted to live, and for no other Reason but because they are honest? When all Places of Honour and Trust shall be reserved for the bare faced Villains? Thou great God how long wilt thou suffer the Rod to be in the Hands of these Monste●s of Men to chastise us? When will thy Justice awake, to disarm this Herd of Monsters, and de●iver the distressed Israelites from the Plagues of this Egypt, and the great Monster Pharaoh, and his hellish Ministers? When is it that we shall see Virtue once more take her place, and be seated on the Throne, and this black Devir Rebellion banished hence to Hell?  
Well, I have aimed at a double Project here. The first would not take, because Money enough was not offered the House of Commons: But if the last succeed, I have my Ends. If we can but alter the Channel, and make our Gold and Silver run another way than what it does, the Business is done; the Confederacy breaks of itself: For 'tis nothing but our Money that cements them, and when that is broken, our Royal injured Master must return in spite of Malice, and all the Rebellious Devils in Hell. But if this be smoked, my Project is at an end. However, I have made a perfect Discovery how we are betrayed, and how the Nation is bought and sold; and by those very Men who were entrusted to defend and protect it.  
FINIS.