THE LOVER'S LUCK: A COMEDY. As it is Acted at the Theatre in Little Lincolns-Inn-Fields, BY His MAJESTY's Servants.  
Written by Mr. DILKE.  
— Habet Comaedia tanto;  
Plus Oneris quanto veniae minus.  Hor. 
LONDON: Printed for Henry Playford in the Temple-Change. And Benj. took at the Middle-Temple-Gate in Fleetstreet. 1696.   

To the RIGHT HONOURABLE the Lord RABY.  
MY LORD,  
SInce I must own this Comedy, which I now humbly Present to Your Lordship, to be very deficient, I am sure I have done well to make choice of a Patron so able to protect it, as Your Lordship is. I am heartily willing to confess my want of Ability in writing; but am proud of an opportunity to record the General Approbation the Town has been pleased to afford me; a great share of which must be attributed to Your Lordship's Appearance on my behalf.  
I have been long desirous of making some evident Acknowledgements for the Favours I have received at Your Lordship's hands. And however I have now failed in my Performance, I have done myself right in publishing my Thanks; Returns which are most justly due to Your Lordship: To You, my Lord, whose early Actions I have seen with Admiration; and whose future Achievements will, I am confident, be answerable to the Honours which are devolved to You from a most Noble and Heroic Ancestor. I shall herein wave any thing that may have the least resemblance to Flattery in respect to Your Lordship, or to Ostentation as to myself; and so far deviate from the common method of Epistles Dedicatory, that I shall not trouble Your Lordship with a single Quotation. What Acquaintance I have with Criticisms, I will never show by collecting Sentences, nor by reciting the Names of Authors, lest at the same time I should discover my want of those most essential parts which I ought to have retained in reading them. If for the future I shall be able to accomplish what will be any ways suitable to the Encouragement▪ Your Lordship has been pleased to bestow on me, it will wholly answer the Intentions, as well as the Ambition, of,  
MY LORD, Your Lordship's Most Obliged, Most Humble, and Most Obedient Servant, THO. DILKE.   

PROLOGUE.  Spoken by Mr. Hodgson. 
WELL! Now for a kindhearted Pitt to day,  
To hide the Blushes of a Virgin Play.  
Oh Pox! Here's store of old Campaigning Faces;  
Faith, Critics, now you'd best to quit your Places▪  
These are the Men, that point of Honour know,  
And will be generous even to a Foe:  
Whilst you your snarling brutish Rage display,  
And Cannibal like, upon each other Prey.  
From the nice powdered Sparks we little fear,  
Their Judgement only does in Dress appear;  
Nor need we care, how much we do expose  
Those tame unthinking Animals, the Beaux;  
Who still are Satyr-Proof, be't ne'er so keen;  
They'll all things bear, rather than not be seen.  
But welcome now, you She-obliging Cits,  
Who gull your Husbands to equip the Wits,  
Leaving the Drones to mind their Cheating Tasks,  
And hither flock, prinked up in Vizor-Masks:  
So may your Issue still supply the Stage,  
And furnish Scandal for th' ensuing Age.  

To the Ladies.  
And now to you, the Glories of our Isle,  
Give but to day one kind consenting Smile;  
'Twill more than doubly pay the Poet's Toil.    

Dramatis Personae.  

MEN.  
Sir Nicholas Purflew, Joint-Guardian to his Niece, Mrs. Purflew, a formal Herald and Antiquary, Mr. Bright.  
Alderman Whim, The other Joint-Guardian to Mrs. Purflew, her Uncle by her Mother's side, a Projector and Humorist, Mr. underhill.  
Bellair, A Flanders-Collonel in love with Mrs. Purflew, Mr. Betterton.  
Breviat, A Lawyer of the Temple, a Pretender to Mrs. Purflew, by the Interest of the Alderman, Mr. Freeman.  
Goosandelo, A Self-admiring Fop, a Pretender to Mrs. Purflew, by Sir Nicholas's Interest, Mr. Bowman.  
Eager, A Sharper of the Town, that lives by Pimping and Cheating, Mr. Bowen.  
Sapless, A raw Cheshire Squire, Mr. Dogget.  
Jocund, Boy to Colonel Bellair, Mrs. Ayloff.   

WOMEN.  
Mrs. Purflew, Niece to Sir Nicholas and the Alderman, an Heiress and great Fortune, Mrs. Bracegirdle.  
Mrs. Pliant, Her Cousin and Confident, of no Fortune, and of light Inclinations. Mrs. Bowman.  
Vesuvia, A Woman of the Town, Mrs. Lee.  
Sprightly, An old Housekeeper to Sir Nicholas and the Alderman Mrs. Lawson.  
Landlady, To Colonel Bellair. Mrs. Perin.   
Tip-staffe, Constables, Bullies, and Servants.  
The SCENE in LONDON.   
THE Lover's Luck.  

ACT I.  

SCENE the Temple Walks. Eager meeting Breviat.  Eager, 
G'Morrow Mr. Breviat; I'm taking a Mouth full of your Temple Air: But I profess it is so blowed upon by the whitefriars Knights of the Post, the Noble Attestors of your studied Frauds and Falsehoods, that 'tis dangerous giving it Reception in an honest Breast.  Breviat, 
You are very Conscientious Eager,— And speak as if your Profession was a Secret.  Eag. 
I dare own my Profession, and justify myself a generous public spirited Person, a Promoter of civil Understanding, and a charitable Procurer of Fellow-feeling betwixt both Sexes, in order to the Establishing the mutual Correspondence of Mankind— Whilst you Wranglers, at the Bar, disturb the Peace and Repose of all Men; then basely build your Fortunes upon your own Client's Ruin.  Bre. 
Prithee leave this Railing,— And communicate some of your Instructions for the effectual prosecution of my Amour I told you of.  Eag. 
Oh!— with the great Heiress Mrs. Purflew;— Why look you now, here you find the want of my Faculty already— managing a Match, and procuring a Mistress, is still Pimping— though by distinct Methods we attain our different Ends.  Enter Bellair, Jocund, and Servants with Baggage, as just Landed. Bellair, 
Go Jocund, get my things to my Lodgings, and call at my Tailors, and the Exchange, and— bid them send home what I writ for.  Jocund, 
Yes Sir.— Now must I quest amongst a Covey of Strumpets; All the Eringo my Master has been chawing this Voyage, won't supply a single Pittance to each of the Game I shall spring.  [Exit with Servants. Eag. 
'Ods so, here comes Col. Bellair— by his Garb. I believe just arrived.  Brev. 
Col. you're welcome back to England— I won't ask how stand Affairs in Flanders, since your safe return will atone for the loss of Hundreds.  Eag. 
I am confident the hearty Jollies of the Old Devil, as well as the buxom She's about Covent-Garden, will subscribe to Mr. Breviat's Opinion.  Bell. 
Your Servant Gentlemen— What do you entertain a Stranger with Raillery? But I am glad to find the same gaiety of Humour reigns with you still.— Eager thou look'st very Spruce,— Do lucky Hits fall apace? But thy Calling can never be at a stand, whilst either young Fools have Money, or the old ones Lechery.— You see I must go and Accouter. For the present adieu.  [Exit. Eag. 
See how heavily the Col. walks, with a score or two of dead Men in each Pocket, and half a dozen of vacant Commissions.  Brev. 
I don't grudge him the fruits of his Fatigues,— Since he's a brave, honest, generous Gentleman.— I think he has 'scap'd without the Badge of a single Scar.  Eag. 
Though he has lost no Blood this Summer, yet he has sweat for't sufficiently, and has swelled out his Honour, in a graceful Chair of State.— I heard that he was laid up Stewing all the beginning of the Campaign.  Brev. 
O fie!— Eager, thou art ill-natured.  Eag. 
The truth on't is, I ought to be silent— For I know I shall be employed by him— I must hunt the City for some Merchant's Prentices, that have broke into their Master's Cash; or some young Recreants of the Law, that have made themselves Purses by a decent Robbery of their Father's, or some rich Uncles;— So they shall have Commissions, and handsome retreats to the Army. And the Col. shall have his Recruits made, and I shall have my Snacks— And so that business is done.  Brev. 
I find you are very instrumental in military Promotions;— Is that the way to Preferment?  Eag. 
That's a safe way to the first step; but there's another, a sure Card to Advancement for such as have an exquisite Knowledge in my honourable Vocation of Pimping; as prostrating a handsome Relation, or so.  Brev. 
But, what a Pox, is this to my business?— my little charming Purflew, and those killing Graces, of her Manors, Lands and Tenements.  Eag. 
I must confess her well stuffed Purses are weighty Perfections, had she no other.  Brev. 
'Sbud they are— I would willingly shake hands with this crabbed Study of the Law, with all the dull Ribaldry of Infeofment, Disseizins, Vowchings, and the Devil and all.  Eag. 
A— h, That black old Gentlemen you speak of, was the first of your Employ, he suied out a Writ of Ejectment against poor Father Adam.  Brev. 
And I don't care if he claims his Right to the whole Tribe of Gownsmen Ecclesiastical and Civil.— If I get my Mistress, he shall have nothing to say to me, on that score, I promise him.— Therefore, prithee, let's come to the Point— thou know'st I won't be backward to whet thy Invention.— There honest Eager, dost understand the Language of old Jacobus'?  [Gives him Money. Eag. 
Ay, Sir, now you say something to the purpose.— Then to be plain and short with you.  Brev. 
Come— begin then.  Eag. 
I have already told you something of Alderman Whim's Humour.— He has a greater Influence over his Niece Purflew, than her other Uncle Sir Nicholas, who is joint Trustee with him.  Brev. 
Good—  Eag. 
And though the young Lady be enjoined by Will not to Marry till Eighteen, without the consent of both Uncles; yet I am confident the Alderman alone is able to effect the business,— she being already of that Age, or very near the matter, though kept in Ignorance of it.  Brev. 
Very well.  Eag. 
You must know both the Uncle's design to make their Markets— Yet will not trust each other: Therefore you must come down a good handsome Donative to the Alderman, which will bring him to treat of further Terms.  Brev. 
A lusty round Bribe you mean.— I believe you're much in the right on't, for that's the chief Spring in all the grand Movements of both Church and State.  Eag. 
Oh fie!— You must not call it barefaced Bribery; 'tis not good breeding to term it so— I that have no other way of Living should be loath to have Gentleman's noble Gratuities have that scandalous Title.— But to proceed, You know he's a magotty Projector; You must humour his extravagant Notions, and what you deposit, you must pretend to intrust him withal for the Encouragement of some Project.  Brev. 
Very pretty.— I find downright Suborning is improved to a delicate nice Science.  Eag. 
O God, Sir, a curious Study, and has its different Appellations by the several Stations of Men.— The Churchmen call it an Earnest of Merrit.— The Courtier a Hint of Remembrance.— Ministers of State, and Officers in the Courts of Justice term it Expedition.— The Grandees of the Army a Recommendation.— The Parliament-men a Promoting of the Business.— The Bawd a Gratuity.— The Whore a Pair of Gloves; and the Jockeys a Barnacle.— All's to the same purpose i' Faith.  Brev. 
Why, look you Mr. Eager, I believe what you utter is downright Oracle; therefore I having a parcel of old Granam Gold by me— I am resolved to put it in, and venture my Luck for the Double-Chance, Wealth and Beauty.  Eag. 
Do so; I have urged your business to the Alderman already, and found it work; therefore about it.  Brev. 
I'll go to my Chamber, and take my Credentials with me, and to him.— Eager, wish me good Luck;— Farewell.  [Exit. Eag. 
Sir, I am your most Obsequious: So there's one Bubble dispatched.— Let me look over my Table-book, and see how I must order the Business of the Day.— To meet Mr. Goosandelo to introduce him into Sir Nicholas's Company, and assist him in his Amour with Mrs. Purflew; the same with Breviat's: But that won't prejudice my Concern.— To bully Squire Sapless out of a certain Sum of Money. Good, that will be done with ease: A rich Prize, that Cheshire Spark, i' Faith— I must make this Booby bleed stoutly.— To Solicit for Alderman Whim, that he may solace himself, as he calls it, with Madam Vesuvia; so.— To procure an honourable Interview betwixt the old Herald, Sir Nicholas Purflew, and the bright Inhabitant of the Azure Apartment; (as his Letter styles hèr) very well. The same Lady Vesuvia— I must put the grand Menage upon these two old lustful Satyrs.— Well, I profess mine is a laborious Employ.— All the Qualifications for a Secretary of State, or a Principal Minister, are not sufficient to accomplish a thorough-paced Pimp, and Cheat. By your leave, sweet Mr. Eager; but, I think, I may make bold with myself now I am alone.  [Exit.  

SECENE opens to Col. Bellair's Chamber.  Bellair, Jocund, and Lanlady. Bell. 
I vow, Lanlady, you grow younger— I never saw you look better in my life.  Lan. 
Ah,— Lord bless you noble Col. it's the sight of your sweet Face has brought the Blood into my Cheeks; I can't choose but smirk and simper to see you come well back.—! hope you've brought your Limbs, and all your Members safe and sound home, or else we shall have a filthy Outcry in the Parish, God knows.  Bell. 
I thank my Stars, Lanlady, I am no ways disabled.  Lan. 
Troth I am glad on't.— You're a happy Man, Col. and I dare say was lapped in your Mother's Smock; God rest her Soul.— There has been some how notice of your coming, for I have had nothing but rapping at my Door, Coaches and Chairs every Hour, and all the same Questions, squeaking through their Vizor-masks, Is Col. Bellair come to Town?  Bell. 
Say you so, Lanlady?  Lan. 
Ay Troth,— I protest I pity you;— I am sure I know what a Man is, and as much of a Man as any Woman; and therefore know you'll have too much upon your Hands.  Bell. 
I have good store of very able Assistants a coming over, Lanlady.  Lan. 
I vow you Men of the Sword strike deep with the Ladies.— How sneakingly do the peaking Chits, the Summer Beaux look, when you Men of Mettle, armed at all points, appear?  Bell. 
Faith the Soldiery is obliged to you.— But, I assure you, I design to lead a reserved course of Life, having very serious matter upon my Hands.  Lan. 
Marry, God send all's well with you say I; or that you ben't near your End— So, do you near? they are knocking; look to yourself, for your Quarters are attacked already.  [Knocking without. Bell. 
Good Lanlady, let 'em know I am indisposed after my Journey, and gone to rest.  Lan. 
I know they'll be very pressing: but I am resolved they shan't disturb you.  [Exit. Bell. 
Jocund, Are my things come?  Joc. 
Yes Sir; and the Women will soon follow.— As soon as I told them you were returned, away they run to their Glasses, fell a setting their Heads, and clapping on of Patches; then skiped over the Counters for haste.— I'd advise you, Sir, to stop some Cotton in your Ears, you'll have a hideous buzzing about your Head in a moment.  Bell. 
I am resolved I'll see none of them.— Jocund, Go get yourself clean and ready, then come and receive your Instructions; I must send you to my Mistress to give notice of my return, and to know how stand Affairs in that Family.  Joc. 
Well, Sir▪ for tipping of Billet Deux, and Whispering of soft Messages, let me alone.— I find whoever serves an Officer long, may in time expect to be principal Messenger to the Prince of Darkness.  [Aside. [Exit. Bell. 
I find that I begin to abominate the Thoughts of the obstreperous, rampant Sluts of my former Acquaintance;— and would marry, were it purely in my own Defence, had I not the blessed Inducements of a blooming Beauty, that wants not the poor assistance of Art; Of a lovely Innocence, without the least tarnish of Folly; Of maturity of Sense, without a vain knowledge of it;— And such a plentiful Fortune, that may at all times furnish a hospitable Table, Means for charitable Reliefs, supplies for Building, Plantations and Adornments, and all necessary Expenses for Gentlemanlike Diversions.— Such is the Platform of my future Happiness;— And so adieu to the toils of War, and the fatigues of Campaigning; Whilst, in the circle of my Purflew's Arms, I shall enjoy more solid Pleasures, than the Conquest of Kingdoms can afford to martial Heroes, and ambitious Princes.   

The SCENE closes to Covent-Garden.  Sir Nicholas Purflew, and Eager. Eag. 
Upon my Reputation, Sir Nicholas Purflew, he's every way a fine Gentleman; a Man of nice Honour.  Sir Nich. 
That I profoundly approve of.  Eag. 
In short he's— Master of all the worthy Endowments I know you esteem.— The circular Rays of the Drawing-room centre on him; by him the Beaux of the Chocolate-house adjust their Garniture;— And the Wits at Will's, Common-place his Sayings; his Pedigree, Sir, you very well know.  Sir Nich. Mr. Goosandelo, 
I can peremptorily attest to be of a very ancient and honourable Family.  Eag. 
Without dispute, Sir.  Sir Nich. 
Let me see,— if my memory betrays not my overburdened Knowledge, he is of old Gaulish Extraction.— He beareth in a Field Gules, three Geese Heads Erased Argent by the name of Goosandelo.  Eag. 
Very like so.  Sir Nich. 
A just reward that for their impertinont Cackling, and preventing that noble Enterprise upon the Capitol.— The Coat does plainly illustrate the heroic Actions of his valiant Ancestors.  Eag. 
A mighty Exploit to ring off the Necks of three Geese. [Aside.] And what's more, Sir, I heard him say, he designed to make an offer of a considerable Sum, to be employed by you in search of Antiquities— and hopes you'll give him a favourable admittance to make his pretensions to your beautiful Niece;— But here he comes to plead his Amour himself.  Enter Goosandelo. Goosandelo, 
Sir Nicholas Purflew, I humbly kiss your hand, and foot too, if you'll give me leave, with all the Respect I am capable of paying so honourable a Personage as yourself.  Sir Nich. 
Worthy Mr. Goosandelo, with expanded Arms I embrace your Friendship.  Eag. 
So—, here's like to be a pretty medley of young Foppery and old Formality.  [Aside. Sir. Nich. 
I magnanimously applaud your noble Intentions of tracing the hidden Footsteps of Antiquity, and searching into the petrified Bowels of past Ages.  Eag. 
It's the searching into your pretty Niece, he'd be at i' Faith.  [Aside. Goos. 
With the Directions of so sure a Guide, as you Sir—, I question not of making a good Progress in those Studies—. I must own without vanity, my Genius is quick and perceptive; that you may find by the vivacity of my Eyes.— Don't you see a peculiar Sparkle about them? If you look narrowly, you'll perceive some thing of the true black Water—. They are composed of Diamantick Principles, and are able to make legible Characters in the most obdurate of Hearts.  Sir Nich. 
A pretty ingenious Remark of yours—. I suppose you are already acquainted with the Rules of Heraldy.  Goos. 
Oh▪ Dear Sir! How can a Gentleman pretend to that Name, without knowing the Affinity he bears to the Beasts, Birds, or what else adorns his Shield?  Eag. 
So, by his own Rule he may find a flock of Relations on every Common.  [Aside. Sir Nich. 
What you say is infallibly true, Sir,—. And then the Ancient Heroic Laws of Chivalry affords matter of high Speculation.  Goos. 
No question; I should be very happy in fancying Devices, and composing of smart Motro's for Knights Adventurers.  Sir Nich. 
Then again, the Embellishments of Coat-Armour, the branching of Genealogies, are the Grounds to build upon the worth of a Family.— And for the Illustration of History, the exquisite knowledge of Hieroglyphics, Obelisks, Urns, Sculptures, Statues, and Medals, nervates the Understanding.— I'll show you a Medal lately sent me from Rome, by my Son that's making the Grand-Tour, more worth than all the Mines of Peru.  [Shows a Medal. Goos. 
Upon my Soul, 'tis violently fine.  Eag. 
Pray, Sir, give me leave to see it;— I can't for my Life discern any Impression or Character upon it.  Sir Nich. 
O'ds heart, O me Man! why that's the rarity of it:— If those had been left, every body had known it. I would not give a Button for an Inscription, that has so much as every tenth Letter remaining; or a Figure or Statue that has any thing of the Resemblance of what it was intended for.  Eag. 
I find there's a plaguy Mystery in Ignorance, and it's a wonderful wise thing to know nothing of the matter.  Sir Nich. 
Why there's the business; now— I must take the liberty to tell you Mr. Eager, that by this you have demonstrated yourself of a Vulgar Capacity.  Goos. 
So he has, I protest, Sir,— Poor Eager, I pity thee.— You saw, Sir, how quickly I discovered its Excellences.  Sir Nich. 
And by so doing, you demonstrated the great reach of your understanding:— I'll undertake by this Medal, to sound the depth of a Judgement as faithfully, as holding up a young Eagle to the Sun, will discover the truth of his Breed.  Eag. 
Gentlemen, my business calls me away; I hope you'll pardon me.— This dull Stuff gives me the Spleen intolerably.  [Aside. Sir Nich. 
Mr. Eager, pray don't suffer an Oblivion, to obliterate what I enjoined you to Commemorate in the the Afternoon upon the Declension of the Sun.  Eag. 
What a Pox does he mean? [Aside]— Oh! I know; by no means; Sir, I'll be punctual to a minute.— Confound his Romantic way of Expression: I was showing my want of Apprehension again. [Aside.]  [Exit. Goos. 
I design, Sir, to order the payment of a parcel of Money where you please to appoint,— if you'll give yourself the trouble to expend it on Curiosities.  Sir Nich. 
I shall industriously apply myself on so noble a Design.  Goos. 
Now, Sir, I have a matter of another nature to divulge to you.— 'Tis to acquaint you with the violent Passion I have entertained for your pretty Niece.  Sir Nich. 
Hum,— indeed I have no present discernment of any Obstacle that may ineffectuate your Desires. I shall offer you some preliminary Proposals,— and so leave it to the Decision of the young Lady herself.— Your Blood and Person render you acceptable to the fair Sex.  Goos. 
If I am left to the Lady, I need not say a word of the matter, though you see I have a happy Talon in Polite Oratory were there occasion.  Sir Nich. 
But, good Sir, will you make love without speaking?  Goos. 
I'll undertake to thaw a Woman's heart, that's as cold as Ice, with my bare Appearance,— and insensibly riggle into her Affections with my pretty taking Movements, as thus.— So I come into a Room, and erect myself at a distance, thus;— observe my Eyes now.— Then I jut a little on, twisting myself thus.— Now look how I set my Feet.— Then I gracefully handle my Snuff-box thus;— pray mind my Hand.— Now she Smiles,— I spring forwards,— open my Arms,— and she poor Soul drops into my Bosom like a shooting Star, and there dissolves to Jelly.  Sir Nich. 
On my word, a notable odd way of Courtship.— Come, Sir, will you honour me with your Company to Dinner.— Alderman Whim and I keep a Joint House over our Joint Trust:— But not a syllable of it to him.  Goos. 
No, no, Mum's the word.  Sir Nich. 
We are both at present as it were Rangers, and Men at large.— My good Woman is in the Straw, and his gone to a Funeral of a Relation in the Country.  Goos. 
So much the better, for old Women are generally the Plague of young Society.  Sir Nich. 
Come, we'll go and take a Whet by the way,— and agree of Articles.  Goos. 
Sir, I'll attend you.  
Then I with Shape, Mien, Wit, and pleasing Air,  
Will snap the Heartstrings of the charming Fair.  [Exeunt. 
The end of the first Act.    

ACT II.  

SCENE a Room in Sir Nicholas's, and the Alderman's House.  Enter Alderman Whim and Breviat. Aldman, 
I Have been preparing my Niece for your Reception, Mr. Breviat.— I'dad, I'dad, the young Gipsy is prinking herself up.— As soon as I whispered the concern, the little Rogue did so twitter about the mouth, it made the Blood in my old Veins dance again, though I am her own Uncle.— But I am heartily glad you say you are inclined to Projection.  Breviat, 
I think Mr. Alderman it's a Study that renders a man most capable of doing his Country Service.  Ald. 
I'dad you are i'th' right on't.— I'll show you here some rough-drawn Schemes of Projects, which I hope to put in Execution.  [Looking over Papers. Brev. 
You'll oblige me entirely.  Ald. 
This is,— do you mind me? For making Automata's self-moving Engines, by which whole Timber-trees shall come Whirling to the King's Yards without the assistance of a single Horse, I'dad.  Brev. 
There will be an Improvement of Land-Carriage!  Ald. 
And by the same Principles, do you mark me?— I may contrive a fiery Machine, that shall invisibly roll under Water for some Leagues,— then burst with that tremendous Violence, that shall rend the French Fleet to Atoms.  Brev. 
Good Lord!— What a Hurricane will there be?  Ald. 
This again,— mark me well, is a most exquisite Project if it hits, and I get a Patent for it, I shall be as Rich as Croesus, and the Nation the most flourishing Kingdom in the Universe.— It is, do you see, the furnishing Ships with Remora's, to each Vessel a Cask of little Emissaries;— that whenever a Privateer comes sooping along to seize his Prey,— I'dad clap him a Remora in his Stern,— and so good by to ye I' faith.  Brev. 
Ah, ah, ah, I laugh to think what a devilish Sputtring will there be among the French Seamen, when they find their Vessel fixed.  Ald. 
I believe I can't put this in practice;— Do you see?— without some preternatural Incantations, some infernal Rhetoric,— which I shall find out amongst the Magickmongers;— and what if the Devil be employed, so it be for the public Good?  Brou. 
Oh, to choose Sir!— A man of excellent Morals, this Alderman.  [Aside. Ald. 
We all konws what Land-spirits the French have made use on in their Exploits.— And the Sovereignty of the Sea being ours,— Why should not the Sea-Devils be entertained in our Service?  Brev. 
It's but reasonable.  Ald. 
I think it would be of moment too, to encourage Missions to Lapland to be instructed there in the way of Barrelling up Winds.— I see the Ladies a coming;— I'll leave you to entertain them, whilst I go into my Study, and hammer out my Projects to shape and perfection.  [Exit. Enter Mrs. Purflew and Mrs. Pliant. Brev. 
Now I— that am never at a stand to brazen hundreds of Lies at the Bar, can scarce put a face on't to utter a single Truth in the business of Love;— but I'll keep to general Topics.  Ply. 
Here's your Lover, Cousin Purflew.— I vow I like his looks, he's a good lusty portly Fellow.  Purf. 
Indeed, Cousin Pliant, I think you are inclined to like any man's looks, let him be what he will, so he be but a man.  Ply. 
Prepare yourself— for now he advances; no doubt big with an amorous Speech.  Brev. 
I shall never, Madam, sufficiently acknowledge the Alderman's double Obligations, as well of his own ingenious Conversation, as in affording me the most ravishing sight humane Eyes are able to bear the lustre of— your most transcendent Beauty,— When were you at the Play, Ladies?  Purf. 
Truly we seldom come there,— but I find you go, and have picked up a fulsome way of Expression;— the stile seems to be the young Chaplains when he makes love to Abigal.  Brev. 
Faith, I design to go no more.— The Rogues the Poets make greater Monsters of us Gentlemen of the Long Robe, than ever they used to make of the Grandees of the City.  Purf. 
You know, Sir, Folly and Knavery furnish matter for satire;— and whilst any of you make profession of the latter so publicly, and detect one another so ridiculously, they must expect to be the sport of the Ingenious, as well as the scorn of the most Serious part of Mankind.  Ply. 
You must give my Cousin Purflew the liberty of Raillery;— 'tis her way, Sir.  Brev. 
Lord, Madam, what the Lady pleases;— I shall neither undertake to palliate the miscarriages of some, nor vindicate the Profession in general;— since my study of it has been only for my Accomplishment and Diversion:— But I shall adventure to plead my Cause in Love, according to the liberty the Alderman has pleased to allow in my Pretensions to your fair Ladyship.  Purf. 
My Uncle is very obliging.— I suppose he has consulted his own Interest before my Inclinations,— and no doubt you have made trial of a method you find most prevailing in the Affairs of your own practice.  Brev. 
'Sbud she's a Devil at guessing.— I fear I shall be run aground.  [Aside. Ply. 
Pray, Mr. Breviat, next time you come, bring me an old Limb of the Law; and being two for two, you'd have the fairer play for your Money. I am for none under the Coif.— I could perfectly reconcile myself to all that an old Sergeant expects in a young Wife;— officiously cut his Corns, rub his Shins every Night, and his Head every Morning, make him a Pot of Chocolate, set his Band, give him a Buss, and so dispatch the old Fool to Westminster;— But by all means let him be a Circuitire; so much time every Year I could willingly have at my own disposal.  Brev. 
I find I am fallen into Hucksters hands, but I am resolved to bear on. [Aside] You are disposed to be merry, Lady;— but mine is a serious undertaking,— therefore, Madam.—  Purf. 
Well, Spark.—  Brev. 
Now she looks me in the Face with such a roguish Leer, that were I to be damned, I can't proceed.  [Aside. Purf. 
Come, shall I speak for you— you being naturally Lumpish, and Phlegmatic, and wanting a knack to entitle you to be a Practitioner of the first Rate; you would willingly save yourself any further trouble,— and be at Livery and seizin of my Estate.— Is not this to your purpose,— Hea?  Ply. 
Fie Cousin, this was a little too severe.  Brev. 
Bless me!— What shall I say now? Would I had my old Gold out of the Alderman's Clutches, and cooped up in my Study, tumbling over my Volumes of Reports.  [Aside. Ply. 
What, Sir, are you silenced? Pull up and stickle in the business, the Cause is not lost yet, Man.— It's the nature of our Sex to rally them most we like best.  Brev. 
Have at it once again. [Aside.]— Your Beauty alone had to the utmost enslaved your Admirer— You had no need to have used such irresistible Shafts of Wit, to have perfected your Conquest.  Purf. 
Conquest, of whom, pray Sir?— You speak as if you were a Person of Value,— and that a Woman had need to exert all her Charms, to assure herself of so rich a Prize, as I find you esteem yourself.  Ply. 
Prithee, my Dear, don't discourage the Gentleman at this rate.— I'll assure you I don't think Mr. Breviat despicable.— His Person robust▪ and very promising, his Air grave, modest, and natural.— And I have heard fortune has not been the least niggardly in the distribution of her worldly Bounties; since he is left stated in a handsome paternal Inheritance.  [Breviat bowing all the while. Purf. 
I' my Conscience, the Girl is gulling me of my Lover under the very Nose of me.— Mr. Breviat look to yourself,— I find my Cousin. Pliant has a Hawk's Eye upon you.  Brev. 
I am obliged to the Lady, and can aver what she has been pleased to intimate, that I am not incapacitated for my pretensions to any Gentlewoman.— Nor shall I ever be ashamed of the sincere Zeal I shall religiously manifest, in the paying of my Devotion to so Divine a Being as yourself.  Ply. 
Why, look you now,— there's Temple Love for you;— an Amorous Bishop could have said no more to a Woman.— What would you have?  Purf. 
If you expect your Sincerity to stand you in stead, you must apply yourself to some Woman that never was within the smoke of London,— especially not to one bred at Hackney.  Brev. 
'Tis you alone, I must, and will adore.  Purf. 
What love Madrigal are you obliged to for that whining Expression?— Can't you remember the next Line, and so Court me with Couplets?— But to deal plainly with you; which by the buy, you ought not to expect in a Woman, I hope I shall have no obligation to do otherwise than dutifully submit myself to my Uncle Alderman's Conduct,— whose Kindness or Prudence I am unwilling to call in question.  Ply. 
D' ye see, Sir, what a pretty conscious Blush attended that Answer? And how her Fan catched the soft consenting Sigh.  Brev. 
Oh blessed Accent!— Oh harmonious Words!— The Raptures that seize my Soul, can be expressed no otherwise than by being Dumb.  [Stands in amaze. Ald. [Within.] 
A thought a thought, Mr. Breviat. Mr. Breviat, a thought, I say, a rich thought. [Enters.] Odds me, Man, what fallen a Sleep in your Addresses? I certainly have, Sir, the most pregnant Brain of any Man living.— It has just now teemed such a thought; come along, I'll show it you.— I'dad, I'dad, I have clapped it under the Hatches of Black and White, that it shan't escape me.  [Exeunt Ald. and Brev. Ply. 
I fear the honest Alderman will teem so many thoughts as he calls it, that he'll leave himself a very empty Skull at length.  Purf. 
Nay, 'tis certain he's a little beside himself already, he would ne'er ha' picked up for me such a Fool of a Fellow, as this Lawyer else:— A solemn Fop.  Ply. 
The fitter for a Property.— But prithee Cousin, if thou dost not like him, why did you give him that encouragement at last?  Purf. 
How, dear Child!— You that are a professed Votary in Amour and Gallantry;— a studious Novice of Plays and Romances; and not guests at my Intentions?— Is it not plain, how both my Uncles would sacrifice me and my Fortune to their separate Interests?  Ply. 
That I believe.  Purf. 
Have not I reason therefore to take my own Measures, and free myself from the Danger of their mercenary Proceedings?— I'll say no more.  Ply. 
Oh, pure Cousin. I'faith.— Will you that profess yourself a severe Moralist, do any thing that may infringe your Duty to your present Relations?— Or offer to contemn the wise Precautions of the Deceased?—  Purf. 
Cousin,— I am not unacquainted with either my Age, or my Power; though they have been so sedulous to hood wink my Preceptions.— Nor shall I attempt any thing but what may concur with Morality, and be justified by Prudence.  Ply. 
I swear thou art a rare Girl:— but hark ye, this Affair with Mr. Breviat may be very well managed for my Advantage.— You may easily palm him upon me.— And to tell you the truth, Cousin. methinks it's high time I should have a Husband; should I once reach that fulsome Title of a Stale Maid, I should be the miserablest Creature living.  Purf. 
Alas, poor Soul.— Well, Cousin, I'll undertake to serve thee effectually, I am something inclined to projection, as well as my Uncle.— Sprightly our Housekeeper is staunch and may;— but here she comes very hot with some news or other.  Enter Sprightly. Sprightly, 
Ah Madam. 'Od be thanked I'Goddle, ah, ah, ah.— Who do you think? Oh, dear heart, I can't speak— Oh! jack-a-day, and marry, Odd send my heart hold out. Oh!— Ah, ah, ah— Oh! I am so glad.  [Laughs and Cries. Purf. 
What's?— What's the matter? Prithee Sprightly compose thyself, and let's hear.  Spri. 
Why then that fine,— handsome,— well-favoured Gentleman, your Colonel, is come safe to Town;— so now it's out, and I am pretty well at ease.— He has sent his Boy, Jocund, hither who has brought you a Box of fine Outlandish things.— I told our Folks he came from an Acquaintance of yours at Hackney.  Purf. 
Is this all?  Spri. 
Marry, and I believe you think it a fine All too.— But I have more news to tell you, Sir Nicholas is come home, and has brought another Suitor,— the gimm●st Moppet that e'er has been here yet;— but as to a Man, no more like your Colonel, that a Baby upon a Butterprint is like the Man in the Moon.— He calls him Mr. Goose— Goose— something, I don't know what.— Well, I'll go keep Jocund company till you come.  [Exit. Ply. 
Oh, Cousin, it's Mr. Goosandelo, he was the topping Spark at the Wells this Year.  Purf. 
Yes, yes, Mr. Goosandelo is a topping Spark wherever he comes.  Ply. 
Do you know him?  Purf. 
I know enough of him.— The last time I was at the Play with my Aunt,— I saw him making antic Grimaces, and playing a thousand Monkey-tricks in Fop-box.  Ply. 
You must not expect a Mr. Breviat of him, on my word.  Pur. 
I must expect what's worse;— shallow Conceits,— windy Noise,— and insufferable Self-applause.— I find the Air sweetens, the Beaux is making his Approaches.  Enter Sir Nicholas Purflew and Goosandelo. Sir Nich. 
Mr. Goosandelo,— my Niece,— my Cousin Pliant.  [Goos. salutes the Ladies, than Sir Nich. talks with Purflew apart. Goos. 
Here I am obliged to break the Rules of modern breeding to please the old Antiquary. [Aside.— [too Mrs. Pliant.] I have not seen you of late, Madam;— I might say you live very obscurely in this Town, had not your Eyes the power of dispelling Obscurity itself.  Ply. 
O dear, Mr. Goosandelo, you still keep your obliging way of Gallantry.— I think the last time I saw you, I had the honour to be your Partner at a Dance at Astrop.  Goos. 
Let me perish, Madam, if ever I Dance when I drink the Waters again;— it settled such Humours in my Legs, that I was obliged to Cup, and suck 'em down with Leeches a month or two to give them their true Air and Shape again.— I have a mind to forswear Dancing.  Ply. 
'Twill be impossible, Sir, to withstand the Importunities of the Ladies.— Lord! 'twill be Death to 'em to be denied.  Goos. 
Let 'em die.— I'll not dance, to save the Life of a Duchess.— To see a well-shaped Gentleman move upon huge Porterly Pillars, and be damned all the days of his life to a sad-coloured Stockin.— Oh abominable!— D' you think I'll hazard that?  Sir Nich. 
Mr. Goosandelo, I'll leave my Niece your Charge for the space of some ensuing moments, whilst I go pay a Visit to my Wife, the Lady Couchant above stairs.  [Exit. Ply. 
O Heavens! how came we, Cousin, without our knotting?— What will this Gentleman think, to see us Idle?  Goos. 
On my soul Ladies, I am violently concerned that you are without your Housewifry; I shall want a great part of my Discourse.— 'Tis generally the first Topick we fall upon, when we make our Addresses to Persons of Quality.  Purf. 
I should think, Sir, 'twere a dry, crabbed subject.  Goos. 
Ah, ah, ah; because it's so full of knots; but nothing is uneasy to a Man of Parts. As I could say thus,— You have knotted so long upon the Thread of my Affections, that your La'ship has now worked up a Piece sufficient to fringe round a Squob of Repose, for my long languishing Amour.— And a thousand such pretty things. But since I am left here by Sir Nicholas to make Love, How do you think I'll begin? In what Shape?— Like what?  Purf. 
Why you need not take the pains the gods of Yore used to do.— You see you have easy access to me in your own shape, and that's more monstrous than any you can think on.  Goos. 
Nay, now I swear you talk by contraries.— Here's a Lady will tell you what killing work my Shape has made in the world.  Ply. 
I know, Sir, you were ever reputed a very pretty Gentleman.  Goos. 
Phoo— every body knows that; and my Life on't this Lady shall know it before I have done.— I am positive I shan't want shafts, for I design to make Love to you in the nature of a Porcupine.— I'll rustle my Habiliments, dart forth a Poignant Quill, and strike you dead, egad.— Don't you find yourself wounded?— Ha, Madam.  [Stands taking Snuff. Purf. 
I must confess your Complicated Perfumes, and your Cashified Breath have a little discomposed me.— Therefore pray, Sir, make Love at a farther distance.  Goos. 
Now by the Universal Light, I have no occasion for them, were they not customary to all those that are the exact Models of Wit and Breeding.— And now I talk of Wit, do you see this Diamond Ring?— This Diamond Ring?  Purf. 
What are you going to show Hocus Pocus Tricks? Have you got any of the German Artist's Powder lafoy Pimp a la Pimp?— You should first put on a little Blue Jacket, tie a Chain about your middle, and skip up and down the Balcony to gather Spectators ere you begin. About Pug.  Goos. 
I find you begin to love me, by that pretty endearing word.— But as I was saying, this Ring guided by this hand;— which is a hand I am not at all ashamed on.  Ply. 
That I vow you need not.  Goos. 
Has writ in Ladies Windows such Mysterious Things, that the severest Critics allow 'em to be Wit itself epitomised.— The Sashes at Kensington are full of the Proofs of my Genius; which I daily see entered into the Tablets of Travellers:— If you'll show me your Closet, I'll write something in your Window there.  Purf. 
Gently, Spark.— Sure we have not proceeded yet so far, as to admit you into my Closet.  Goos. 
No?— I find you are unacquainted with the Assurance that is inseparable with Men of Wit..— We often rush into the Closets of Ladies that we never saw before. I was sent for the other day by a Lady of no small Rank, to teach her a Song in her Closet.— It's one of my own composing; I'll sing it you, Ladies.  Ply. 
O! by all means,— I beseech you, Sir.  Goos. 
Pray observe the Sweetness of its Air, and the Delicacy of its Turn and Cadence.  

A SONG.  

I.  
RIch Mines of Hot Love are rooted here:  
Flashes of Flames in my Eyes appear,  
When swift as the Sun,  
To th' Arms of Thetis  
I run, I run, I run,  
To seize of my Bliss,  
In the Parts where 'tis,  
Oh! you know, you know, you know where.   

II.  
She laid by 'r knotting with wondrous haste,  
And took me about my well-shaped Waste:  
I envied not Jove  
His Celestial Throne,  
Nor all the gods above:  
Whilst Kisses came on,  
And something was done,  
Which I know, I know, I know best.    Purf. 
Was there ever any thing so ridiculous?—  [aside. Ply. 
I protest, Sir, it's very pretty and peculiar.  Goos. 
Ay, so it is, Madam: What an Engaging Freedom is there in that, Oh you know, you, etc. Alas! this is but the loose droppings of my Peneus— Upon my soul, my Songs are reputed the Standard of Lyric Poesy.— Most of those Odes that are entitled, Done by a Person of Quality, are mine.— I design to write a Play by the same hand.  Purf. 
If you copy yourself, you won't fail of one good Character.  Goos. 
That's true, Madam.— The Poets generally do that.— I'll be the Fine Gentleman of Wit and good Education;— You the Fine Young Lady, of Beauty, Fortune, and good Sense: We'll trick the old Guardians, marry in disguise, and so have a Dance.— It's a good beaten road; a man that writes, can scarce be out of his way.— What say you, Madam? Is this to be the conclusion of our Amours?  Purf. 
You would not have me surrender upon the first Attack?— That will lessen the Hononr of your Conquest.  Goos. 
Have a care; deferring a Parley may be of dangerous consequence.— I am of a fiery Temper.— If you hold out to be taken with Sword in hand,— I don't know what may become of you.  Ply. 
To prevent your Fury, it's but reasonable that Sir Nicholas Purflew, whose Name I bear, should have the power of altering mine. What can be gathered from this, I leave to you. I see him coming to you.— Come, Cousin. let's go walk a little before Dinner.  [Exeunt Purflew and Pliant. Goos. 
This I think is Encouragement enough:— But how the Devil could it be expected otherwise?— What Woman can withstand my perfect agreeableness?  Enter Sir Nicholas at one door, Alderman Whim and Breviat at the other. Ald. 
Won't that I showed you last be of excellent use, and very feisible? I'dad, i'dad, there was never any thing like it in the known parts of the world.  Brev. 
No, nor in the unknown neither, I dare say.— No doubt, Sir, you'll have your Effigies erected in Brass, to transmit to future Ages the universal Service you have done.— For what a Pox, has this gaudy winged Insect Goosandelo been fluttering about my Mistress? 'Sbud, I'll watch his waters for him.  [aside. Sir Nich. 
My Brother, Sir, for so our near Affinity makes us term ourselves, does merit very much from the Nation.— And if it does him that piece of Justice, I'll take care to form the Model, and compose the Inscription.  Goos. 
Then no doubt 'twill be according to the true Roman Grandeur.  Ald. 
My Brother Knight here too, deserves very well to be minded of the world, i'dad, or else it will be a very ungrateful blockhead of a world, to forget all its old Acquaintance, that Sir Nicholas daily converses withal.  Sir Nich. 
Gentlemen, I hope you'll honour us with your Company in the Evening. We are willing to make each other happy with our respective Acquaintance.— To day is our Niece's Birthday, the poor Girl is now just Sixteen.  Ald. 
It's very true, so she is, Brother.  Sir Nich. 
The night we'll celebrate with Mirth.— It shall be my care to entertain you with an Arcadian Pastoral.  Brev. 
Sir, you're very obliging.  Sir Nich. 
Come, Mr. Goosandelo, I'll go show you my Musaeum; you shall see finer Curiosities than ever you saw at Gresham College.— The University of Cambridge shall with my Collections eternalise the Name of Sir Nicholas Purflew, and by this means she shall have a Purflewean to outdo their Ashmolean at Oxford.  [Exeunt Sir Nich. & Goos. Ald. 
Well, Mr. Breviat, how succeeded you? What said my Niece?— Was she coming?— Did you find her glance upon you?— Did she take an occasion to walk round you, for a view of those Shoulders? I'dad, that's a hint the young Gypsies never fail of, as soon as they know the difference of the Sex.  Brev. 
She first received me with a very gay and tart Humour.— She came slap dash upon me at every word, with terms full of disdain.  Ald. 
Ah, Mr. Breviat, those are true signs of a yielding Woman.— I'dad she's a parless Baggage.  Brev. 
Then, Sir, she assumed a pretty becoming Gravity: And with an unaffected Air of Modesty made me sensible that she would submit to your Prudence.  Ald. 
Poor little Rogue, she has always been very dutiful to me.— We must have an eye upon that Spark my Brother brought:— Does he think he can overreach a Projector?  Brev. 
Not in all likelihood:  Ald. 
I'll take care to confirm my Niece.— Sprighty, our Housekeeper, is trusty: To night when Sir Nicholas is busy about his Pastoral, as he calls it, she shall slip you both into a private Room; where a Tacker-together of Human Flesh shall be ready.— Then you shall come and discover it; and so end the Masque with a Jest.— Get the Writings ready at Mr. Settlebank's Chamber in the Temple, and I'll come and see 'em sealed this Afternoon.— Come, Sir, I'll wait on you in to Dinner.  
He ne'er can fail of Project or Design,  
Who has a Brain so Rich in Thought a mine.  Exeunt. 
The End of the Second Act.    

ACT III.  

SCENE Covent-Garden.  Eager with his Sword drawn, leading in Squire Sapless by the Nose. Eag. 
Damn ye for an overgrown Bumpkin.— I'll slice you;— I'll carbonade you, ye Dog, ye Tub of Cheese-curds and Hogs-wash, I'll kick your Guts out.— Oounz, why don't you draw, you eternal Lubbard; I'll pinks you, I'll pinks you as full of holes as a Cullender; I'll rip your heart out, you Joulterhead.  Sap. 
Nea, nea, but hold ye Master Eager.— Wawns, yo thinken I'm no body.— Why what a Pox, an you'll let's lay Swerds by, ' Sflesh, I'll venture a bloody Nose with yau, or a brawken Head, with best pair Crabtree Cudgels you can get.— Marry you shan't find Chicken to deal withal, by Mass.  Eag. 
Rot ye, you Hounds-face; I am a Gentleman, and know no other way to go to work with you, but with the point of my Sword; therefore if you won't pay me the Money, I'll slit your Weasand this moment, you Mooncalf.  Sap. 
‛ Sflesh, it will be a nuncky thing now to be murdered, and to hea our Lasses in't Country sing Ballads on one.  Eag. 
Hark ye, Squire Sapless,— Did not you promise me Twenty pounds upon the Word of a Gentleman, before sufficient Witness?  Sap. 
Troth I can't deny that.  Eag. 
And han't I laid by all business, to saunter along with you?— Showed you the Lions at the Tower, New Bedlam, and the Tombs at Westminster?  Sap. 
Nea, I'm hugeny beholding to you, that's truth on't.  Eag. 
And what's more, I took you to a Tavern, made you drunk on my own cost, and then carried you to a Bawdy-house, and have endeavoured the accomplishing you as is befitting a Gentleman of your Quality; and now to disappoint me.  Sap. 
Come pree-a Master Eager been pacified, and I'n be better on my word, on that be all.  Eag. 
Very well, Sir, I am your hearty Servant.— Faith, Noble Squire, we were roaring merry last night. Were not they pretty good-natured Pugs I took you to?— I believe you parted with a troublesome companion.— Did not you slip your Maidenhead, Squire, ha?  Sap. 
Nea, nea, Master Eager, I'm not the Mon yo taken me for neither.— I know a Cat from a Cowle staff, and What-d'-ye-call'n from a Cartwheel. Marry we'n a pretty Farrantly Lass, Madge t' Dairy-Maid at whom, when I go a fetch Mess a Cream, or now and ten see her suckle younck Breendle i'th' Caw-Crib, you little thinken what we done.  Eag. 
Ay, say you so, Squire?— I find you 're a very forward hopeful Young Gentleman; and by that time I have done with you, you shan't be ashamed to show yourself at the Assizes, and make as good a Figure there as the Sheriff.  Sap. 
Nea, an that be all, I shed be Shreeve my sen at upshot.— I can drink as much Eeal awready as e'er a Justice of Peace in awe Cheshire; and that's a prawd word naw.— I made 'em awe knock under-boord last Monthly-meeting, b' mass.  Eag. 
Gad-a-mercy Squire, by this worthy toping Qualification, thou'rt fit to be elected Knight of the Shire, the Tun-Representative of all the Hog tubs in the Country; no doubt you'll be a true Patriot, and promote the great Manufacture of Sandbich.  Sap. 
Naw I think on't, I mon goa to th' Carrier, I hea a Firkin of Stingo a coming; and I mon send some things down to Lady Mother.— And I'ne tell you what, Master Eager, if our John t' Baily be come to Tawn, I'ne pay you your Money this Afternoon; and more than that, Int gee yo a Hundred pawned besides, if I shan marry that handsome Gentlewoman yo shoden me in the Painted Gallery.  Eag. 
Oh ho, Squire Sapless.— I'faith I find thou'rt no Fool at Faces.— Sign then and seal to what you have said, and we'll drink a Bottle and be Friends.— In the Afternoon I'll take you to wait upon the Lady you saw in the Blue Balcony.— She's my Relation; Madam Vesuvio.— Upon my word she has refused the Offers of several Young Lords; and I have heard her say, she took great delight in darying; and that she would marry some honest Country Gentleman.  Sap. 
Nea, nea, and she been for that, wee'ne as fine Milch Kine as any in awe Cheshire. be mass, we maaken two hundred a Cheese e'ary week that comes o'er our heads, besides Butter for the house; and Milk for the Caws and Lasses.— But naw I think on't, Lady Mother charged two things on her Blessing, ne'er to set Han't and Seal to Paper, nor Marry without her Caunsil;— 'Sflesh, I'ne going to do booth naw: But sure I can wawk without Deading Strings; I'ne Mon enough to go by my sen I trow.  Eag. 
How's this?— No scruples, Squire, no qualms of Conscience; the least of that will raise my Passion again: But if you do as you have resolved,— I'll do any thing for you,— fight whole Armies, encounter Giants, and bid defiance to Jove and all his Thunder to serve you.  Sap. 
Oh Lawd! what a wawndy fighting man is this Master Eager! Well, well, I'll go do a what yon hea me.— Nea, I'd wawk a score a miles barefooted and barelegged to do you good, that I wood.  Eag. 
Well said, my noble Mirror of Squireship.— But come, let's to the Tavern then.  [Exeunt.  

SCENE changes to a Room in Sir Nicholas and the Alderman's House.  Enter Mrs. Purflew, Pliant, and Jocund. Ply. 
How sweetly will you furnish your Closet with those little Pictures the Colonel has brought you from Flanders?  Joc. 
They are, Madam, as curious a parcel of Nuns-work, as I believe was ever picked up in those Countries.— My Master left no place unsearched, for what he thought might be most pleasing to your La'ship.  Purf. 
Poor Gentleman, he has been at a great deal of pains.  Joc. 
Ay, and trouble too: I would not have led the life my Master has done this Campaign, to have had at my beck all the Beauties of Christendom.  Purf. 
Why Jocund, how was it?  Joc. 
To have lain in a morning tossing and sighing for an hour or two; then fling himself out of bed carelessly, clap on his clothes, and away out of his Tent to the next Wood that could afford him most Privacy;— There loll himself down at the foot of some shady Tree;— where must I sing the Song of distressed Amintor; whilst he with his Arms across seemed to be as senseless as the Tree itself; or like an ancient Stump, from whose Root the present Plant had sprouted.  Ply. 
Oh Cousin, how dear and passionate was that?  Purf. 
The Boy is very perfect in his Lesson truly.  Joc. 
Every syllable truth, as I hope to be saved, Madam. At night again, when he had left his Company, which always seemed uneasy to him, away to his old posture, where the Locket of your La'ships' Hair, which he always wore next his heart, must be kissed a thousand times.— And which was strange in a man that the world knows as brave as the Sword he wears, not without a frequent Current of Tears.— I almost weep to tell the Story.  Ply. 
Poor Boy! how pathetically does the young Rogue express himself!— Speak truly, Cousin.— Dost not thee believe thyself a happy Creature?— To have so fine a Person as Bellair your Admirer.— No doubt you may promise yourself in him all the delicious Blessings that man can afford in the Arms of a young Lady.— Love and Reverence compose the Air of his Face.— His Person Graceful, his Humour Generous, and his Fidelity as unquestionable as his Courage.— What a true Drudge at an Amour has he been since he first danced with you at Hackney.— How comically he looked when he came to sell us Cheesecakes? and how prettily he contrived the Locket in that which you bought?  Enter Sprightly, and talks with Jocund apart. Purf. 
I think his Character will receive but little advantage by your good word; thou art so sweet natured a thing that thou speak'st ill of no man.— It's the Sex itself thou art a lover on.— And how readily you smother all his wild courses, and those excessive Ranging which he has been addicted to.  Ply. 
Your men of mettle must be allowed some small Extravagances, which are generally abated by the accomplishment of a faithful Passion.— And I doubt not but his for you will have that reclaiming effect.  Purf. 
I am very unwilling to put myself and Fortune into the hands of a Libertine, and purchase Experiments at so hazardous a rate.  Sprightly comes forward. Spri. 
But, Madam, what do you think I am come to tell you?— You must know, an't like you, that both my old Masters your Uncles are resolved to marry you this very night.— The Alderman says you shall have the Lawyer; and Sir Nicholas is for that Thing that tosses his Head like a Fore-horse, struts like a Turkey cock, and smells like a Civet Cat.— I am, forsooth to be the go between for both, and huddle you together in private.— Now, an't please you, I humbly conceive that you have a months' mind to another-guess man than either of them, i'troth.— Therefore let me have your counsel what to do.  Purf. 
I find they are very sudden in their Resolves, lest I discover my own Power.— Honest old Sprightly, thou shalt have thy Lesson before night. Come Cousin, let's go and consult what measures to take.— Jocund, you shall have an Answer presently.  [Exeunt Purflew and Pliant. Spri. 
Come Jocund, you shall go along with me into my Chamber, and tell me stories of Flanders.  Joc. 
What you please, Mistress.  Spri. 
There's a Bed in the room, Jocund;— and if we chance to sit upon the side on't, be sure you don't grow waggish;— be sure you done't, you smock faced Young Rogue you.  Joc. 
On my conscience thy withered looks won't provoke me.  [aside. Spr. 
Methinks Jocund, you have a sort of a languishing lascivious Cast with your Eyes;— but be sure you mind what I told you.  [aside. Joc. 
What a Pox does the old Carrion mean?  Spri. 
Upon these terms I'll show you the way in: You are too young to do any harm, and I am too old to receive any; therefore we may cuddle together safely: And so come along Sweetheart.  [Exeunt.  

SCENE opens, and discovers Sir Nich. Purflew, Alderman, Breviat, and Goosandelo, rising from a Table with Bottles and Glasses; they come forwards, and the Scene closes.  Brev. 
Gentlemen, your Entertainment has been to the height of perfection: I rise with my Understanding as much improved, as my Appetite is satisfied.  Sir Nich. 
'Lack Sir, I fear there is but small occasion for this Compliment.— Indeed at the good old Festivals of the Greeks and Romans, they always took care to regale the Mind as well as the Body.  Goos. 
Ay Sir, it's very true; they seasoned their Discourse as well as their Sauce.— Peppered it up high when they talked of War; and when it flattened with the dull relish of Religion and Politics, the Poet at the lower end of the Board took care to squeeze in a smutty Jest, to leave a Flavour upon the palate;— as nowadays the Smug Chaplain does at my Lady's Table.  Sir Nich. 
Ha, ha, ha.  Ald. 
Gentlemen, we expect to see you to night.— I am engaged this Afternoon; My fame has reached to Pekin, and the Illustrious Emperor there has sent over a great Chinese Projector, to consult with me for the finding out a shorter way of Correspondence betwixt them, and we the Western Inhabitants of the World.  Brev. 
That, Sir, has been a matter long wished for in vain.  Ald. 
And I have done't already. I went to my Study, do you mark me?— and took a large Bumper of Malaga; which is a notable help to Projection; gave my Forehead three lusty Rubs;— whip stitch, out 〈◊〉, and here it is I dad.  [Takes out a Paper. Brev. 
Good Sir, let's know it.  Ald. 
Why do you see,— it's only making the Rivers navigable, and cutting a few Cannals through some parts of Crim Tartary, and there it is,— and a fig for a North-East Passage.— What thundering Bribing shall we have amongst our honest Senators for the establishing a new China Company?  Brev. 
Ha, ha, ha.  Sir Nich. 
I am also engaged to take a view of some Egyptian and Asiatic Rarities, that a great Traveller has collected on purpose for me.— Amongst which he say, That there is an odoriferous Arabian Balm, that he will undertake, if he unstops the Bottle on the top of the Monument, and the Wind sits right, it shall diffuse its scent so far, that any Person at the same time upon Salisbury Steeple shall be very sensible of the Presume.  Goos. 
For Heaven's sake, good Sir Nicholas, engage me some of it;— I would give the Universe for such a Perfume, that I might by its Effluviums at a distance give the Lady's notice of my approaching, and they dispose themselves into a regular Order for my Reception.  Brev. 
Wert thou received as a Coxcomb should be, thou'dst be obliged to keep always at home.  [Aside. Ald. 
Mr. Breviat, you go my way, I'll take you in my Coach.  Brev. 
I'll wait on you, Sir.  [Exeunt Ald. and Brev. Sir Nich. 
The young ones are gone a gadding this Afternoon;— they make use of their time now they are freed of the old Ladies.  Goos. 
How! my Mistress gone, and I not pay my Devoirs to her Coach?— Ye eternal Lights, Sun, Moon, and Stars, how come I so stupefied!— But I overheard them say something of the Walks.— I'll find them out anon.  Sir Nich. 
By your favour, Sir, you need not give your Intellectuals this disturbance,— for I have ordered matters with that solid Conduct, that she shan't fail of being your Bride this Evening.— Come, Sir, you must go Seal the Writings we gave order for.  Goos. 
Ay, ay, by all means;— then I'll to my Chamber new wash and scent my Body,— and so make a Bridegroom, able to charm the fairest Goddess that e'er inhabited the Mansions of the Sky.  [Exeunt.  

SCENE opens to Colonel Bellair's Chamber, and discovers Bellair upon a Couch in a Melancholy Posture; he rises and comes forward.  Bell. 
What art thou Love?— Thou hast so subtly diffused thyself throughout my o're-spreading Veins;— each Particle of me is sensible of smarting Wounds received by thy mysterious Shafts;— thou restless Disquieter of my labouring Soul.— But why should I foment my Flames with ungrounded Doubts?— And fuel my burnings with boding Apprehensions?— I have no reason to dread the dismal Consequences of an unmutual Amour.— The dear Object of my Wishes has given me Testimonies, that she's not unsensible of my Passion;— yet still, O mighty Love thou 'rt impetuous,— urging my desires to Fruition.— O blessed Fruition! what Transports! what amorous Respiration! what Thought can reach the Ecstasies that accompany the possessing such immortal Charms! A hay Rapier; come and sing me the Song you learned last.  

A SONG. Set by Mr. John Eccles.  

I.  
Full of the God I feel my raging Soul,  
Around their Spheres, my glowing Eyeballs roll.  
Sparkling forth Raptures from my active Breast,  
In vain I beg the sullen God of Sleep.  
In vain I call him from his gloomy Deep,  
To fetter up my wandering Thoughts to rest.   

II.  
See, see, bright scorching Flames about me rise,  
Bright as the Beams of my Clorinda's Eyes,  
And I the Martyr in those Flames rejoice.  
Sound all your Flutes, ye softest powers of Love;  
Warble your Triumphs from your Seats above;  
Then chant my Requium with a dying Voice.    Enter Eager. Eag. 
What Melancholy in your Chamber, Colonel?— What's the meaning of this?  Bell. 
Disposed a little to Contemplation.  Eag. 
Han't you been ranging yet amongst your Bona Roba's, and discharging yourself upon our Covent-Garden Proprietors of Lace, Linen, and Silks?  Bell. 
No.  Eag. 
Why, you are obliged to propagate an Issue of young Hero's of the Blade.— 'T would be of manifest prejudice to the Nation, to have the Striplings of the next Age be the lumpish lawfully begotten Offspring of Sedantry Cits.  Bell. 
Thou'rt for propagating thy own dear Vocation, though it were only for the sake of Pimping.  Eag. 
I should be glad to do you any Service in that Province of mine.  Bell. 
Faith, Eager, I am not grown so far out of Acquaintance to want Assistance, nor have so little knowledge of the World to trust thee.  Eag. 
‛ Ownz, do you think I have so small a respect for my Garcass, as to practise my little Tricks upon you?— You have something Colonel sits heavy upon your Thoughts.— Let's go chat over a Dish of Tea with Vesuvia, she's a merry Jade, and will give you some Account of the Intrigues of the Town;— but to prevent us, here she comes to give you a Visit.  Enter Vesuvia. Vesuvia, 
Your Servant, Warrior;— what makes you thus Barricadoed? I have been obliged to force my Entrance.— Pray for whom amongst your Flanderkins must we make our Lamentations:— But we are so used now to the loss of our dear Creatures, that our Condolance is very short.— Poor Rogue, is he gone?— that's all I'faith.  Bell. 
We are pretty even with you in good nature.— When we hear of the decease of any of you Women of the Town,— we may be say, she was a good humoured thing, but 'twas pity she should have lived to have made a Bawd.  Ves. 
Very civil this.  Bell. 
Why did not you make your Campaign this Year, Madam? You'd certainly have had the first Post among our Amazons.— Dutch Hogans. German Counts, and Spanish Cavaliers, would have been your daily Victims.— Perhaps you might have become the Mother of a Vesuvian Prince.  Ves. 
I had fitted up my Equipage, but I was kindly prevented by a keeping Lord of our own, as good a Booty I believe, as any of your Foreign Dons.  Eag. 
I know who you mean.— Is he well-furnished, Child?  Ves. 
He is furiously furnished with an indigence of Ability.— You know that entitles us to press for good Payment;— but I can dispense with that small Obstacle of Impotency in my Keeper, now Colonel Bellair is come to Town?  Bell. 
I am obliged to you for the Drudgery you design me;— but thank my Stars, I am otherwise provided.  Ves. 
Good lack, Drudgery! you might have found out a better way of expressing yourself, methinks.— What has your lusty Excellencies reached the Ears of some musty Quality, who has made choice of you to prop up her rotten and tottering Reputation.  Bell. 
The truth on't is Child, I am going to misled myself into a right way.— How dost think I shall become Wedlock?  Ves. 
As awkardly, I believe, as I do Devotion;— but if that's all, it won't spoil your ranging long.— We don't find that Marriage prevents Lewdness in the least.— A separate Bed in a Month's time, and a separate Maintenance at the Years end, are no new things amongst us.  Eag. 
If that be the business, Vesuvia shan't be behind hand with you.— I have got a thumping Squire for you, I'faith Child;— Two thousand a Year is the least penny of his Estate.  Ves. 
Prithee, Eager, be serious.  Eag. 
On my Soul I am in earnest,— he has seen you already,— and swears Flesh Blood, and Bones, he'll have you.— I'll bring him to you anon; faith I shall deserve a substantial Pension.  Ves. 
You know my Temper is far from being ungrateful.  Eag. 
I have a brace of old Lechers you must help me to manage first.— It shall be your farewell in that way.  Ves. 
With all my heart.— 'Sdeath, I can but think how I shall rustle in the World when I come to elbow Quality.— I'll look big on my Visiting-nights; loll back in my Coach at Hyde-park, and Box it at the Play with the best of 'em.  Bell. 
I shall be well-pleased to see it, faith, Vesuvia;— On my Conscience thou'lt become Grandeur well.  Ves. 
Bellair, I shall have you screwing yourself into Cringes at a distance:— And when I think fit to admit you nearer my Presence, you'll be thrusting into my Gloves. your impertinent Billet-doux, but I shall be otherwise provided, and have no need of your Drudgery.  Bell. 
What won't you forgive me one single blunt Expression?  Eag. 
You shall get your Booby knighted for the sound sake of my Lady.  Ves. 
I am confident, I shan't fail in any Application for that piece of Service.— I have a large stock of Promises for Court Favours, that I accepted when ready Cash has been wanting.— And I know a certain Gentleman that will usher my Spouse to receive his new Honour, then take him to the King's Cellar, and make him Drunk whilst I am slipped into a private Room to have a Lord dub me a Lady.  Bell. 
Prithee, Vesuvia, let's hear who and who's together.— You used to be full of News.— How go the Affairs of the Town?  Ves. 
Oh most abominably Scandalous! Every body strives to be first at Ingratitude and Treachery.— And the hearts of the Women are as false as their Beauties.  Bell. 
That was always so.  Ves. 
But, what's new is,— our Ladies now first trust each other, and then through an accountable Malice make discoveries.— You Gallants may spare yourselves the vanity of boasting.  Eag. 
It's very true.  Ves. 
Nay, some, as if they envied themselves the Bliss, are the first Publishers of their own Infamy;— so that our whole Sex seems to have as little regard to common Prudence, as they have pretensions to Morality.  Bell. 
Ah, ah, ah, very good.  Eag. 
And for the Men, ye Gods defend us.— Every individial Person is a true Figure of old Janus.— Pretensions and meanings are diametrically opposite, a fawning Grin of a great Man, is a certain Sign he'll ruin you.  Bell. 
Notable satire, this.  Eag. 
For our Principles, we change them as oft as Chameleons do their Colours.— And private Interest in Persons of Trust never fails to overbalance the public Concern.— And the discovering of their fing'ring, has not been the effect of Honesty but Spite.  Bell. 
The truth on't is, our late Briberies have made a great noise in the World!  Eag. 
The World is peopled now with Monsters,— Church Atheists, State-Hypocrites, and Conscientious Cutthroats.— What's more common than that ungenerous Trade of Cheating by the name of Friendship?— In short, all Vices flourish, whilst poor Virtue stalks about ragged and contemned.  Bell. 
A pleasant Scene this, to hear a professed Sttumpet talk of Morality, and a known Cheat of Virtue and Honesty.  Ves. 
Very blunt again, methinks, Coll.  Bell. 
How e'er unhappy the Age is in its Miscarriages, it's rarely blessed by a couple of such Reformers.  Eag. 
We that are most instrumental in the Vices of the World, are the best able to give an account of them.  Ves. 
I am sure we are less prejudical to the World, that make Lewdness and cheating our Profession, than those that practice both, under the Disguises of Honour and Religion; and pretend to sanctify their Crimes by their Places and Habits.  Bell. 
Hark you, good People, I must deal plainly with you, and desire you to walk off,— having particular Business that require me to be private.  Eag. 
By all means, Sir. Come Madam Vesuvia, let you and I go perfect the Work I have prepared.  Ves. 
And must I part from your Chamber at this rate, Coll.— I vow this is a strange Reformation.— Well, for the future I'll have nothing to say to you; from a noble generous Ranger, I see you are grown a sneaking doting Lover, and therefore aught to be abandoned by every freeborn Breast, and left to the frozen Embraces of a cold virtuous Wise, where may you starve unpitied by all Women that have the least grace of Gallantry. With this hearty Curse I leave you.  [Exeunt Eag. and Ves. Enter Jocund. Bell. 
Come, Jocund, you have been an Age away.— Well:— How?— What?— Is all?— Bless me, crowds of Questions press so upon my Lips, that they hinder each other's passage.  Joc. 
Well, Sir, I'll save you the trouble of asking, and tell you all that you can wish to know.  Bell. 
Quick then, why this Harangue?  Joc. 
Old Mrs. Sprightly, your true Friend,— did so smuggle me, nay, she said I should lie with her.  Bell. 
Ounze, what's this to the purpose?  Joc. 
Patience, Sir,— and then the wanton old Jade took me into her Chamber, and asked so many Questions of Flanders; first, whether I spilt any Blood in the Wars; and then, whether I had lost my Maidenhead;— and then.—  Bell. 
Damn ye,— you impertinent young Dog;— what have I to do with this?— Were not you to tell me of my Mistress, you should never speak a word more.  Joc. 
Good Sir, bridle your Passion, you shall have no occasion to be angry when I have told you all.  Bell. 
Blood and Death, tell me all the next Sentence you speak, or your Bones shall pay for't.  Joc. 
Now, Sir, I come to the point,— your Mistress is very well; she looked over your Presents with a great deal of satisfaction,— seems pleased at your return:— In fine, you'll be better informed by the Contents of this.  Bell. snatches the Letter. Bell. 
Hell and Furies, why did you not give me this at first?  [Bellair reads starting. Joc. 
O, Sir, there might be danger in an overhasty Bliss▪— a sudden Joy has often proved fatal;— withholding a Pleasure is the way to endear it.  Bell. 
What have you been abusing me, you young Villain? Make things plain to me or I'll sacrifice you to the pit of Hell.  Joc. 
Lord, Sir! what I told you is positive truth.— I hope you have had sufficient proof of my faithful service.— I am sure I discovered so much by her own looks, and by what both Old Sprightly and Madam Pliant told me; that if she has writ any thing that seems unkind, I dare swear she has belied her own Thoughts  Bell. 
[Reads] Sir, I must own myself not a little concerned at your present return, since I am sensible that the Circumstances I now lie under may be very surprising to you; each of my Uncles are resolved to dispose of me, and have obliged me to comply with their Intentions. You may take your own Measures, and propose something most diverting to you; your Endeavours in that nature shall be seconded by my Wishes, and your Misfortunes shared by  Eliz. Purflew. Adieu. 
Were I to advise you, it should be to repair to your Post.  Joc. 
Why, I dare say every word is truth, and her real meaning.— Pray let me see the Letter.— The Lady I lived withal before I came to you, was notable at the little Mysteries of Billet-doux, and instructed me mightily in such Affairs. [Reads to himself.] Why to me it seems you have as blessed an Answer as you could wish. I should read it thus; [Reads.] Sir, I am very well pleased you are come to Town, now I can surprise you with the news of being at my own Disposal. My Uncles have separately engaged me to two several Persons, which I have seemingly consented to, that I might the better deliver myself to you. If the possession of me will be what's most diverting to you, use your own Measures, my Wishes shall kindly meet your Intentions, and your Concerns for the future dutifully shared by  Eliz. Purflew. 
Were I to advise you; repair to the Post, a Lover ought to maintain in his mistress's Affections.  Adieu. Bell. 
O my dear Boy! how sweet are those ravishing Accents?— Yet still I doubt what most I would believe.  Joc. 
Upon my life, Sir, there's not a Syllable but bears this Construction, which perfectly agrees with all other Circumstances.— And now, Sir, to give you the Soul and Quintessence of my Embassy, which was whispered to me by your Mistresses Confident, and no doubt by her order, you are suddenly to meet her.— Prepare yourself for a Rencounter,— she is accidentally to fall into the Ambush, and you are to bear her off with flying Colours.— Come along, Sir, I'll show you the place,— the time draws near.  Strike sure, for 'tis the Crisis of your Bliss. Bell. 
I'll strike at Fate, should I the Blessing miss.  
The End of the Third Act.    

ACT IU.  

SCENE Covent-Garden.  Enter Mrs. Purflew and Mrs. Pliant, Purf. 
SHall we go look upon some Silks, Cousin?— Coll. Bellair lodges somewhere hereabouts; should he meet us, he'd conclude I came on purpose to see for him.  Ply. 
Good lack! and not judge amiss;— as if you did not know that I sent him word we should be here, with Resolutions, as I imagined, to conclude on the matter, when to crown his Passion.  Purf. 
I know you sent him word!— I conclude the matter! I crown his Passion! What does the Girl mean?  Ply. 
Ha, ha, ha! This is very pretty;— I am sure you gave me large hints to guests at your Intentions.— And pray what's the business of an humble Confident; if not to inch out coming Inclinations, or bear the blame of pretended Mistakes.  Purf. 
I can't imagine what you'd be at.  Ply. 
Lord, we Women in love are so perverse in our Humours,— and would always seem to walk counter to our Intentions; what advances we make are backwards, like the Marches of a Crab.  Purf. 
I own I have let the Woman grow a little upon me:— I have nettled him, I believe, in the Letter I sent by Jocund; though I left him room for a favourable Interpretation, but Lovers generally lay hold on the wrong end.  Ply. 
How many of us do make Pride and Ill-nature our Diversion? We love that our Tongues should contradict our Hearts; as well as to have our Women belie our Faces,— and are always stretching our Thoughts for new Matter to torment both ourselves and our Lovers.  Purf. 
Well, say what you will, I am resolved, when I see him, to receive him very coldly.  Ply. 
And I am resolved to disabuse him.— I am confident you love him, and doubt not in the least his Sincerity, why then should you sacrifice the Repose of him you esteem at the cost of your own?  Purf. 
I am sure I have reason to scruple his Sincerity; since I very much believe he gives himself the same licentious freedom in the World as ever.  Ply 
Why? you would not be so unreasonable to expect to be sole Proprietor, before you are in possession, would you?  Purf. 
Besides, there's a secret pleasure to see how our Admirers behave themselves under a disgrace: who would not know the force of her Frowns, as well as the power of her Smiles?— A little insult is an inseparable Prerogative of our Sovereignty during our Courtship.  Ply. 
And we often pay dear for playing the Tyrant,— when a Man of Sense comes to reflect on the baseness of his Slavery we design him, and prudently refuses the weight of our Shackles, how contemptible do we appear when we prostrate our Charms afresh to reinvite his Service;— therefore, Cousin, have a care of playing foul in Love, lest you lose your Gamester that has the best Stock and then be obliged to play with others upon Tick.  Purf. 
I protest yonder he comes.  Enter Bellair and Jocund. [Ply. talks with Joc. apart. Bell. 
This, Madam, was the kindest thing imaginable;— and though you are fair to a Miracle, it may bring in question, whether your Goodness is not of larger extent than your Beauty.  Purf. 
Perhaps, Sir, you misinterpret the One, as you mistake the Other.  Bell. 
My Sufferings have confirmed my Judgement;— and had I ten thousand Lives, the force of your Charms would be justified by as many Victims.  Purf. 
I am convinced you are in no great danger of being sacrificed to the force of Love; you're not unexperienced of a sure way of Prevention.  Bell. 
None but yourself can cure the Wounds you have made.— Nature generally provides the surest Antidote from what caused the Infection.  Purf. 
And from the first Principle of Nature, I shall take care of Self-preservation.  Bell. 
'T would be Sacrilege in the highest degree to injure her chiefest Work.  Purf. 
But, Sir, though you were so Improvident to entertain an unlucky Passion,— I am confident your long absence has by this time procured you a good reasonable Indifferency.  Bell. 
Absence, Madam, has had the same effect on my Passion, as the Wind has on Fire;— it extinguishes a faint Flame, but feeds and excites a great one.  Purf. 
And has not your She-volunteer had Power sufficient to abate those Flames?  Bell. 
What She-volunteer?— Hang me if I can imagine what you mean!  Ply. 
Come, what little bicker are these betwixt you two Lovers?  Purf. 
Do you know this Hand?  [Shows a Letter. Bell. 
No, by my Soul don't I.  Ply. 
How's this!— but I do:— Lord, was this the business that raised your mighty Scruples?  Bell. 
[to Pliant] I beseech you, Madam, the meaning on't?  Ply. 
That Letter was a Contrivance of your old Aunt Whim's,— she made Mrs. Grace Copy it, and then sent her with it, to her Brother at the Post-Office, to put it in amongst the Foreign Letters.— Let me see, it begins thus;— You would do well, Madam, to entertain no farther thoughts of that dear Man, whose Fatigues I share, and whose Caresses I enjoy, and so forth:— by the same token the Night you received it, she laid the Blaid-bone of a Shoulder of Mutton under your Pillow, and pumped you the next day at Dinner for your Dream.— Do you remember this?  Purf. 
And you, Cousin, privy to the Contrivance?  Ply. 
Indeed Mrs. Grace showed me the Letter;— but I profess I looked upon it so frivolous and improbable, that I never minded to acquaint you with it.  Bell. 
I am sorry, Madam, you so easily entertain thoughts to my prejudice.  Purf. 
However, Sir, since it does not lie in my power.—  Ply. 
Nay, now I swear you tell a Ripper;— for to let you know the truth,— it never did lie in her power till this very day; and now she is wholly Mistress of herself.  Bell. 
Now, Madam, where lies though next Objection?  Purf. 
Well, since as my Cousin Pliant tells you, I am but this day sole disposer of my Person, it's but reasonable I should spend some time under my own Jurisdiction.  Bell. 
Faith my Service should not diminish but enlarge your Dominion.  Purf. 
I have no mind to be serious now, but will give my Thoughts a loose for the present. Adieu— Come away Cous.  [Exit. Ply. 
Whatever Circumference they take, ne'er doubt, Sir, their centring upon you,— Hark you, we'll be anon upon the Walks.— Adieu, Sir.  [Exit. Bell. 
Heyday,— what can be the meaning of this? If she gets once into the Town-road of Love, I had been much happier to have received the kind Salutation of a Twelve-pounder long ere now.  Joc. 
This is only a faint to draw you to Battle.— Well, of a Soldier, I never saw such a timorous whining Lover as you are.— Why did not you take the little Baggage and fling her into a Coach, and away with her, I'm confident you'd please her better than to have her repent her bargain.  Bell. 
Sirrah, hold your profane Tongue, or I'll cut it out;— what you say, I could do, did I not love her;— nay more, cut any body's Throat that interposed:— Ravish the Joys she were so nice of, and then abandon her to Despair and Infamy.  Joc. 
Ay, now you talk like a Man of your own Profession.  Bell. 
Such an Action might be the result of Lust; or what were due to a Jilt; but mine's a Flame pure as the vestal Fire, and she as sacred as the pious Saint that attends the Altar:— But this I'll do, I'll pursue her to the utmost, and reach her too if possible.— Numberless are the Toils of Love and War, and whoever expects to succeed in either is required to be indefatigable.  [Exeunt. Enter Eager. Eag. 
Just upon the stroke of Three;— the Alderman, no doubt, will be here presently; here he comes already.  Enter Alderman. Ald. 
Oh, art thou there, my trusty Mercury?  Eag. 
I find, Sir, you are punctual to a minute.  Ald. 
'Sbud, I am as hot as a pampered Prelate,— my Blood beat an alarum in my Veins to give me notice of the time, and away I came, I'dad.  Eag. 
I'll secure you as cool as Clouted Cream ere she has done with you; I'll assure you she's almost inaccessible, had not I the influence of a Relation over her.  Ald. 
Prithee see, see, good boy; 'Sbodlikins I took a Dose of Cantharideses this morning, and methinks I am so lusty.  Eag. 
I vow you look as brisk, Mr. Alderman, as though you were but fifteen.  Ald. 
I? Hem— hem— There's Lungs for you— I am as sound as Heart of Oak, boy:— I was a pretty Youth when I was fifteen— nay, I am a very comely handsome old Gentleman now.— Old— not very old neither, a little turned my Prime, not much neither— But prithee see, see a little whether she be at leisure, my dear Boy, will you?  [Eager knocks. Enter Vesuvia. Eag. 
Here she comes— Madam, a very worthy acquaintance of mine begs the liberty to kiss your fair Hand.  Ves. 
I am obliged, Sir, to give civil Entertainment to yourself; or to any friend of yours, so far as it consists with my honour.  Eag. 
When you hear me knock, take care to slip him into your Closet.  [Aside to Vesuvia, and slips off. Ald. 
Madam, as the rising Sun is adored by the prostrate Persian, no less Worship and Veneration shall be paid you, by your humble Slave and Vassal Nicholas Whim, Citizen and Alderman of London.  Ves. 
You are very Courtly, Sir.  Ald. 
Nay hold, you shall have more— Nor has the Rays of your bright Eyes diffused their Power with less force, through the Territories of my Heart, than does the Beams of that glorious Planet shed their Influence through the utmost depths of our sublunary World. Hem, hem. This I heard a City-Poet say to my Lady Mayress.  [Aside. Ves. 
What makes you so florid, Sir? you might spare your Rhetoric— a more familiar way of Expression suits better with the matter of Love; and I suppose that's your business.  Ald. 
Yes, my sweet Sugar-sops— Love, Love's the dear business— You have hit the mark, you have nicked it I'dad— and I'll neck you anon— and my Name is Nick— and there will be Nick upon Nick: how do you like that, Lady Bright?— was not that smart and familiar?  Ves. 
You are a very merry Gentleman, truly.  Ald. 
Pish, this is nothing, my little Pigsny, to what you shall see me do anon— To give you a taste of my familiarity, let me mumble, let me mumble these Pitty-paddy-pods of yours, Eeee— now let me smuggle between my little Biddy's Bubbies, Eeee— Oh how did they caper it, firk it and jerk it under the green-wood Tree. [Sings and Dances.] O Lawd, O Lawd, I am taken with a strange Dizziness in my Head— Pray, Madam, have you ever a Coach, or a Pallat-bed, where I might repose myself a little.  Ves. 
Sir, I'll conduct you into my Chamber, and give you some of my Waters.  Ald. 
Thank you, good Lady; thank you, good Lady.— There, there was a Project of mine.  [Aside. [Exeunt. Enter Eager. Eag. 
So, there's one noosed— I shan't be long without the Fellow on thee: To trap these old Buck-fitches', is, I think, a very reasonable piece of Service.— It's so preposterous a thing to see old doting, drivelling Fellows pretend to feats of Love; the thoughts of it chills my blood, and gives me a disrelish to the sweet Sin itself. I protest here comes Sir Nicholas.  Enter Sir Nicholas Purflew. Sir Nich. 
I am sincerely glad to find you so minutely punctual, Mr. Eager.  Eag. 
Certainly, Sir, I should have been erroneous to a degree of stupidity to have disappointed a Person of your Worth and Character; especially in a business of this moment.  Sir Nich. 
You say well, Sir: It is a matter of great moment— Scouring off the Rust of Nature, and refining our Vital Spirits, from the scum and dross they contract, by cohabiting with the Earthly particles of the Body— By which the Mind may become alleviated, and all its noble faculties operate with greater freedom and vigour.  Eag. 
I vow, Sir Nicholas, you talk very prettily of Wenching.  Sir Nich. 
Oh, Sir, I understand it in all its Branches, Divisions, and Subdivisions.— how far it has been encouraged in several of the best-constituted Governments— and how we came to be Priest-driver from the allowed practice of it.— I have composed a little Tract upon that Subject, which I design to get Printed at Amsterdam— It will be of singular use.  Eag. 
It's pity but the World should be obliged with it.  Sir Nich. 
I have there laid down its Rise, Growth and Progress, and have traced it from its very Original; which I find to be very Ancient— Wonderful ancient, truly.  Eag. 
I protest, Sir, your Discourse of it almost equal its pleasures.  Sir Nich. 
But, Mr. Eager, pray one word with you— Is this Lady of any Descent?— has she any pretensions to Coat-armour?— I vow I woned not Contaminate myself with vulgar Blood for Christendom— I would not touch the Flesh of any under a Gentlewoman.  Eag. 
Oh, dear Sir, she is a near Relation of mine by my Mother's side, her Name Vesuvia.  Sir Nich. 
Vesuvia! Odds so, of the Old Neapolitan Vesuvians— Let me see, she beareth in a Field-Argent a Furnace Sable, ejecting sulphureous Flames proper.  Eag. 
Her Furnace may have a Neapolitan Heat in it, as far as I know; do you look to that.  Aside. Sir Nich. 
A Family of great Antiquity, upon my Honour.— Burning of Brimstone has been of very long dare in the World.  Eag. 
And is like to continue very long, or else we lie under a great mistake.  Sir Nich. 
Sir, will you please to Supplicate the Lady to admit of my humble Devoirs.  Eag. 
This is her Lodgings, I'll knock and see whether she be at leisure.  [Knocks] 
So now for my Disguise.  [Exit. Enter Vesuvia. Sir Nich. 
Having, Madam, received Intimation of your Ladyship's high Worth, and nobleness of Blood, I look upon myself to be obliged in honour to tender you my Offers of displaying your bearing, and searching into your Pedigree.  Ves. 
What a pretty ingenious way you have found of opening your Intentions, Good Sir Nicholas Purflew.  Sir Nich. 
A Lady of transcendent Parts, I dare avow.  Ves. 
Your Character is so honourable, and your Ingenuity so conspicuous, that I shall be proud of serving you— Within here, in my Chamber, I have my Scutcheon; if you please, you shall go in and see it.  [A Noise of Roaring and Singing without.] [Bullies without.] 
Scour, scour, scour; Ferret, ferret the Whores; Bolt, bolt.  Ves. 
O Lord, what will become of us? some rude drunken fellows are got into the House, slip into my Closet, and I'll deal with 'em as well as I can.  [Vesuvia thrusts Sir Nich. into the Closet. Enter Eager in Disguise, with Bullies. Bull. 
Here, here's one.  Eag. 
O, Madam Mynx, are you there?— Where are the rest of your Coneys of this Burrow?— Da— me, we must have every one, one, or you'll have very hot work on't.  Bull. 
'Sbud unrig her, uncase her; make the Picture of Fortune of her, and let her show the Naked truth.  [Ves. slips off. 

A SONG.  

I.  
Let us Revel and Roar, the whole World is our Store;  
Nay, the Gods shall Club to our Pleasure:  
When we Wallow all Night, in an unknown Delight,  
Aurora discovers the Treasure.   

II.  
Let us never Repine, whilst brisk Wenches and Wine,  
Make the Brims of our Lives run over;  
Leave the How and the What, to the Politic Sot,  
And the When, to the Fool of a Lover.   

III.  
Thus free from all Cares of Taxes and Wars,  
We know not the Name of Dull Sorrow;  
Every Purse is our Prey, which we spend in a Day,  
And the Devil take Care for to morrow.    Eag. 
What, is the Brimstone vanished?— I'll rummage her Closet for a Bottle of cold Tea.  Bull. 
dam— me, do, and we'll see the bottom of it.  Bull. 
Ro— t me so we will, and then stagger to fresh Game.  Eag. 
‛ Ounz here's a brace of old Fornicators.  Bullies. 
Out with 'em, Out with 'em.  Eag. 
No, one at a time.— What a pox does your Goatship here?  [Pulls out Sir Nich. Bull. 
Kimbaw him, Kimbaw him.  Bull. 
Ay, ay; Kimbaw him, Kimbaw him.  Eag. 
We'll only make you lighter by a stone or two— that's all, get a cleft stick and a sharp knife here.  Ald. 
[In the Closet.] O— h.  Eag. 
Hold your bellowing, your turn's a coming.  Sir Nich. 
Why look you, friend, I am a Man of honour— Sir Nicholas Purflew by name, Herald and Antiquary by profession; Therefore out of a just respect to all honour either passed, present, or what's to come; I hope you'll regard me with a due Decorum, and desist from any rudeness.  Eag. 
dam— m your Decorum— You have been a Traitor to your own lawful Spouse, therefore you must be reversed.  The Bullies set him on his Head, and shake all the Money out of his Pockets, which Eager gathers up. Bull. 
Ay, ay; Reverse him, reverse him.  Eag. 
It rains plentifully; this is one of Old Jupiter's showers; so in with him: now for the next.  [They turn him in, and the Alderman comes skipping out. Ald. 
Why Gentlemen, do you see, Gentlemen, I love a Wench, Gentlemen, as well as the best of you, Gentlemen— and believe you are very honest Gentlemen; and make use of this project to get a little Ready— Pray take this Purse I'dad, and I won't grudge you a Groat on't.  Bull. 
A very reasonable Gentleman.  [Eager and the Bullies go off, shaking the Purse, and Singing, Every Purse is our Prey, which, etc. and crying, Scour, scour, scour. Ald. 
Come Brother Sir Nicholas, the Coast is clear, a couple of very pretty fellows I'dad.— A— h, Brother, this comes of Whoring.  Sir Nich. 
O Lawd, O Lawd, I shan't get my Guts in their right place this month— And the fright for my Manhood won't off, I fear, much longer.— This must certainly be an enchanted Castle; those three were giant's Cubs, and that Jezebel the Witch, I dare say she had Cloven feet, had we looked.  Ald. 
Let's make the best of a bad Market; pop into a Coach;— Drive to a Tavern, and drink away Sorrow.  Enter Eager stripped. Eag. 
Gentlemen, I heard a great Noise, thought you might be abused; and coming to your Rescue, was met in the next Room by some Ruffians, stripped as you see, and beat most confoundedly.  Ald. 
I'dad I began to have but an ill opinion of thee.  Sir Nich. 
I must confess I began to have some Dubitation, that Mr. Eager had not dealt very candidly.  Eag. 
This I get by being serviceable to my Friends— and now to be Ill thought on sticks worse by me than my Bastinading.— Wrong my Friends?— I'd be drawn Piecemeal first.  Ald. 
Come Eager, we'll take thee along with us, and recompense thee for thy misfortunes.  Exeunt. Enter Goosandelo, and Footman. Footm. 
That's the House, Sir, where the two Ladies went in.  Goos. 
Very well, enough, enough:— Go bid my Coachman turn the Coach before the door, and lash the Horses,— and do you Dogs make a noise, that the Ladies may look out of their Windows and see the Splendour of my Equipage:— I would have the Eyes of a Whole street upon the Gaze, as soon as ever I approach it.— Lol, lol; lafoy, ra, lafoy, ra.  [Tunes aloud. Enter Sapless hastily, Puffing and Blowing. Sap. 
Oh, Cousin, ha I found you?  Goos. 
How now, Mr. Sapless,— how long have you been in Town?— What a pox makes you in such a heat?  Sapl. 
Why, I was going to see for you, to know whether you can os●e me, to find out our Johned Bailie; I ha' been running up tawn and dawn tawn to finden, and one had as good looked Needle in Bottle a Hay, as any body in this tawn.  Goos. 
What the devil does he say? Da'me if I understand him a syllable— How does my Lady and your pretty Sisters?— When do they come to town?  Sapl. 
They're awe we'll at whom, thank ye.— T'lasses are aw-ways tawking on you, Cousin— They lov'n you hugeny b'mass.  Goos. 
Don't say Cousin, when you speak to a Person of Quality, but say, Sir— and prithee try to speak intelligibly; Lawd, lewd, what a monster of a thing is a Country Squire— Oh saw, how he stinks of Sweat.  [Takes Snuff. Sapl. 
Giss a little Snush.  [Snatches the Box. Goos. 
Ounz how he paws it!— a foot of an Ox would take it out handsomer— 'Od confound him, he has dropped my box.— What the devil have you done, Sir?— there's not another box-full of it in the Universe— I had it from Donna Aurelia Formalitosa, and she had it from Don Antonio Ernesto Steffatito, and he had it out of the King of Spain's own Box.  Sapl. 
A chawnce, a chawnce cometh awes we'll, awes we'll:  [Gathering it up. Goos. 
Pray, for the Respect I bear your Family, let me furnish you with a Tutor, that he may cut you out of the Rough, and Polish you a little;— and when you have got your English, and know how to put on your clothes, you may be fit to go to the Academy— Then I'll take care to lay on the finishing strokes, and make a complete Gentleman of you.  Sapl. 
Yo tawken— 'Sflesh I am a Gentleman enough awready in mine none Country, and I thinken I ought to be thoughten so here; for I ha' been faw drunk at Tavern, and have lain all Neet at a Bawdy-house; and they tellen me yo London Gentlemen do no more.  Goos. 
O abominable! I find thou art beyond the hope of Retrieving.— I' gad here comes the Ladies— away Sapless— vanish, prithee vanish, I would not be seen in the Company of such an Animal for the Universe.  Sapl. 
Marry, and you been thereabouts— I had rather be Coupled to our Joler for a twelve month, than be forced to stay with you for an hour: and so fare you well with a Murrain to you.  [Exit. Goos. 
Powder me, Powder me, ye Dog.  [His Footman flings Powder on him. Enter Mrs. Purflew and Mrs. Pliant. Goos. 
O Ladies, I seize you here as lawful Prize— I rule in this Parish of Covent-Garden as Sovereignly by day, as ever Stoaks did by night, and the Beauties of these Precincts contest my power with as little success as the Bullies did his.  Purf. 
Sure Sir, the limits of a Parish are two small to confine your Graces— the Rays of your Charms have an influence that's Universal.  Goos. 
That's true, Madam; and when ever they contract themselves to give place to a greater Light, it is in your Presence.  Ply. 
Right Mr. Goosandelo still.  Purf. 
Indeed there's little danger of Mr. Goosandelo altering his temper— a hardened Fop is as irreclaimable as a sottish Drunkard.  [Aside. Goos. 
But, Madam, I suppose you are not unacquainted with Sir Nicholas's Resolution.  Purf. 
I done't at all dispute his Intention, Sir.  Goos. 
Nor scruple his Judgement, I hope.  Ply. 
There was little occasion for its being over-discerning in its Choice of you, Mr. Goosandelo.  Goos. 
That's true again, Madam.— I vow I pity some Ladies that I know— this Wedding will mortify 'em strangely.  Purf. 
No doubt of it.— Come, Cousin, let's away.  Goos. 
I'll Usher you to your Coach, Ladies.  
Drive on Dull Time, to reach my Waiting Joys,  
Moment's are Ages in a Lover's Eyes.  [Exeunt. 
The End of the Fourth Act.    

ACT V.  

SCENE Walks.  Bellair and Jocund. Bell. 
THese are the Walks— But I see nothing of them yet.  Joc. 
Ne'er doubt their being here anon, Sir.— I question not but she is as intent upon the Matter as yourself.  Bell. 
Sirrah, hunt about, and be as vigilant as a Lynx— You shall meet with me hereabouts.  Joc. 
I'll secure you, Sir, my part shan't be wanting— I'll say that for myself, there is ne'er a Puppy-dog in the Kingdom better taught to seek out and find, than I am.  [Exit. Bell. 
For my life I can't find out the true nature of Woman— not a single motion of their Minds, but seems irregular— their Thoughts and Resolves no sooner bubble up, but they break and are dissipated with the same puff of Air, that first raised 'em— the Composure of their Souls is too light and unsuitable for the strength of their Charms; which have power to oppress with a delight, and to enslave with a pleasure, whilst with a secret Joy, we lose ourselves, and blindly trace the mazing Labarinths of Love.  [Exit. Enter Eager, talking with Goosandelo. Eag. 
'Tis no otherwse than I expected— 'Sbud, Sir, you look very charming— with this Presence you have power to kill like Lightning at a distance— 'Tis but clapping your Hat before your face, and taking it away again of a sudden— Flash, if ere a Woman in Christendom would not fall as flat as a Flounder, I'd perish.  Goos. 
May be so, I now— Ha bien ajusté; let me die, Eager, I think thou dost not flatter me.  [Looking in his Glass, and pruning himself. Eag. 
Flatter you!— You can't be flattered, your Perfections are unspeakable.  Goos. 
I have now put on most of my Graces, in order to the celebrating my Nuptials.  Eag. 
Why, the Bride can't choose but think she has got a Young God in her Arms.  Goos. 
Gad I am a Violent Fool to make Love to Mortals, paltry flesh and blood— I should reserve myself for Nymphs and Goddesses.  Eag. 
No doubt they'll come in search of you; if you'll have but patience— Was you ne'er attacked with a Succubus yet?  Goos. 
Succubus, succubus, who's she? Some foreign Princess! is it not?  Eag. 
No Sir, no; they are black-eyed Ladies of the Royal Blood of Pluto— when they find a Man that's cast in something more than Humane Mould, you appear to be; they slip gently into his Bed when he's fast a-sleep,— clasp▪ their airy Limbs about him, and so enjoy him in a Dream.  Goos. 
Pox on 'em, if those are they I have 'em every Night;— they harass me off my Legs.  Eag. 
They are very busy when they find out such a complete, sweet, youthful Person as yourself, especially if he's a Lover of Provocatives, such as Shellfish, Cavere, Eringo-roots, Pistachoo-past, Spanish Chocolate, etc.  Goos. 
There's the business then, for I violently love all such things;— but, Eager, there's a great bulky Volume of the Law, a Favourite of the Alderman's, hankers after my Mistress.  Eag. 
I know him, Breviat: Damn him, next time you see him in your mistress's Company, kick him, he dares not fight:— To my knowledge he's as afraid of a drawn Sword as an Atheist is of Thunder.  Goos. 
Would I were sure of that,— not but that I know it impossible for any Man to supplant my Interest in her; but I would not have her blowed upon by the breath of such a Bear, and I am so passionate, that I protest I dare scarce trust myself with repairing my own Injuries:— Canst not get him murdered for me?  Eag. 
It will be something chargeable if you'll have it done decently.  Goos. 
Decently? No, no, butcher him any how, his foul Carcase does not deserve a jauntee thrust, else I'd do it myself.  Eag. 
First do you beat him, if he mutters I'll take him to task.  Goos. 
Let me die, Jack Eager, thou'rt a very honest fellow;— prithee accept of this, and stand my Friend; [gives him Money.] thou shalt stay with me:— If he comes, you and I and my Footmen will trounce him, egad,— we'll sacrifice him, a Dog, a Rogue, a Son of a Whore.—  Enter Breviat. 
— O Lord, here he comes,— don't take any notice of it, for I ben't in a quarrelling temper at present.— Your Servant, good Mr. Breviat,— I must own I never had any esteem for a Man of your Profession till your Worth laid an Embargo on me and my Services.  Brev. 
Pray, Sir, trade freely with your Services where you please;— I fear your Stock is so low, that you are not able to freight for a Passage, were it only to cross Covent-Garden, to give an account how your Complexion heightens.  Goos. 
What, do you intent to be sharp upon me?— if you do, look to yourself, for I'll ●serk you with Repartee, I'll promise you.— Eager, this is the Gentleman that's like to carry the great Fortune, Mrs. Purflew.  Brev. 
'Twill be impossible if you make Pretensions, Sir.  Goos. 
Oh, Sir, I protest every moment, you make fresh Discoveries of your Sense and Judgement.— Let me perish if I han't forgot to be put on my Scented Leather-Shooes.— Gentlemen, a matter of high concern requires my attending upon myself to my own Apartment.  [Exit. Brev. 
Was there ever such a Fop in Nature?— and yet they tell me, that the Ladies dote on such Fools.  Eag. 
That the Ladies love Fools is true enough, but they must be Harmless, Credulous, Passive Fools, not such a Self-admiring Fool, as Mr. Goosandelo is, that insists so much on the Theme of his dear self, that he can't afford the fair Sex their share of Worship and Flattery.  Brev. 
That I believe is very true.  Enter Sapless and Vesuvia; Sapless making awkward Love apart. Eag. 
Then a Country Eldest Brother Fool, goes down very well with a Lady, though she be a Woman of good Sense, such as there's a pattern of [pointing to Sapless] and she will very lovingly take into her Arms his Worship's lump of animated Earth, though the Blockhead's Brains were composed of the worst Mud about his Estate.  Brev. 
But still I apprehend some danger from this Coxcomb Goosandelo.  Eag. 
When you see him in your mistress's Company affront him;— Pull him by the Nose; all Women hate a Coward, as much as they do the Man that deals sincerely with their Looks or Conduct;— and I am confident he dare not resent it.  Brev. 
Are you sure of it?  Eag. 
As sure as that a London Justice goes snacks with Pickpockets, or that his Clerk gathers Contribution round the Whore's Quarters.— Your Man of Dress is ever too nice for a Quarrel,— he has just now owned that he fears you'll take occasion to fall out with him.  Brev. 
'Sbud, I'll do't then. But he has been▪ at Paris, and has learned how to push Mathematically, and kill by Demonstration.  Eag. 
If he comes to pushing, let me alone with him. egad I am as ready at whipping Men through the Lungs as a Smithfield Cook is at spitting of Pigs at a Bartholomew Fair.  Brev. 
Stick to me, honest Eager, in this Business, and there's a token of Encouragement for you.— I must step to a Gentleman's Chamber, I'll be here again in a moment.  [Exit. Eag. 
Well, noble Squire, hay for Cheshire, how proceed you with the Lady, ha?  Sap. 
Marry, Master Eager, we fadgen prattily:— I ha' fast hold on her, and I con but keep her:— But they sen in our Country, that he that has holt on a young Woman has got a slippery Eel by the Tail.  Sapless holding Vesuvia by the Skirts of her Gown. Eag. 
Spear her then, Squire, and that will secure her.  Sap. 
'Sflesh, and so I wood, on I could but lighten on her on a Sond-bed:— Nea, what sen yo, Mistress?  Ves. 
I say, it's very hard for a poor weak Woman to withstand your strong and pressing Importunities.  Eag. 
Do you think you can dispense with a Country-life, Madam?  Ves. 
No doubt I shall be happy with my pretty Squire in any place.  [Chucks him under the Chin. Sap. 
Oh, we han huge merry Folks in Cheshire!— I'll mind my Horses and my Dogs, and yo sand take care o'th' Dairy and feeding o'th' Swine;— and then at Night to Bed, to play at high Gaffer hoop, old Lass.  Eag. 
Come, make no bones on't, there's a Spiritual Flesh-broker lives hard by, that will mould you both up into one Mass of Flesh and Blood in a trice.  Sap. 
Mass I'll lead her thither then. [Hawls her by the Tail, and Sings.] Come away, come away; sweet if thou lov'st, come away.  Enter Bellair. Eag. 
Coll. Bellair, you are come to the Conclusion of a merry Bargain: here's a Couple just going to be Priest-linked;— you shall see Madam Vesuvia the Honourable Lady Sapless in a little while.  Bell. 
Ay?— Are you the Son of Sir Thomas Sapless of Cheshire, Sir?  Sap. 
Yea, b'Mass, I am his Son and Heir too, as God would hea it.  Bell. 
Your Father, Sir, was an honest Gentleman, and a very good Friend of mine.  Sap. 
So he was of mine, Sir, to die in good time and leave me the Estate.  Eag. 
So,— here's all at an end, I fear;— we shall have that impertinent mischievous thing called Honour, spoil this business, I'faith.  [Aside. Bell. 
I vow, Madam, I must do that piece of Justice to my old Friend, to put a stop to this Affair;— I can't in Honour do otherwise.  Eag. 
I thought so, I'saith,— 'tis time for me to be gone, lest for the sake of his old Friend, he should think fit to break my Bones out of a point of Honour too.  [Aside and Exit. Ves. 
Pray what do you mean, good Mr. Colonel? do you think with your Flams to make a breach betwixt our true Conjugal Love and Affection?— Don't believe a word he says, Squire.— Sir, you have nothing to do with Mr. Sapless,— he is my lawful Husband already; he has promised me, and that's enough;— and I'll have him if all the Law in the Kingdom will get him me, that I will, ye Scarlet Scarecrow, ye tool of Death and Destruction.  Bell. 
Hold your noise, for 'tis to no purpose:— Mr. Sapless, you were upon the brink of Ruin, and going to marry a Doll Common, therefore come along with me,— I'll make you sensible of the piece of service I do you,— and for this time put you into secure Hands.  Sap. 
Marry, and may be yo tel'n me nothing but what's truth, and therefore, as they sen in our Country, Two words a bargain, I'll look before I leap, so I will.  Bell. 
Come away, Sir, pray come along with me.  Exeunt Bell. and Sap. Ves. 
What? do you think to run away with my Husband? I'll have him; I tell you, I'll have have him in spite of you,— ye paltry, filthy Upstart you.  [Exit: Enter Mrs. Purflew and mrs. Pliant. Purf. 
It's pleasant being abroad this Evening.  Ply. 
I am glad it draws so near Night, I would willingly be Femme Covert under the lusty Lawyer:— Here he comes, I vow; I find he has followed us upon the dry scent.  Enter Breviat. Purf. 
What are you upon the hunt for, Spark?— Some Vizor-Mask to put Lawcases to.  Brev. 
I am come, Madam, to retrieve a purloined Heart,— I have issued out a Writ de Corde Replegiendo, and it is returned Elongat ' by your Ladyship.  Purf. 
You make very learned Love, this might take with some old Westminster-Hall Trotter.  Brev. 
I had rather refer my Business with you, Madam, to the Abbey than to the Hall at present.  Purf. 
That you mayn't be out of your Road, I'll entertain my Cousin here to put in my Plea.  Ply. 
I fear I shall betray your Cause for self-interest, as all Lawyers do;— I must plead guilty, and put in Security for restoring the lost Heart, for which, Sir, I'll be bound body for body.  Brev. 
I can't except against the Bail;— but if I had it under the Lady's Hand and Seal 'twere sufficient.  Enter Goosandelo. Purf▪ 
What, would you be hooking me into Contract?— If you are so mistrustful beforehand, I may well judge of your Jealousy afterwards;— and so, Mr. Lawyer, you may turn over another leaf, for you'll find nothing to your purpose here, I'll promise you.  Goos. 
How's this? my Mistress hot upon the Lawyer? I am glad to see that, I faith.— What now, Black-Box, with Broad-Seal of Yellow Wax?— for such seems your Face afixt to your Body when your Gown's on: What receiving Reprimand at the Bar, ha?  Brev. 
What make you ask?— thou Composition of presumed Past worked up by the Hands of Quack Operators, thou hast nothing of thy own about thee, but thy Sense, that indeed seems thine by making so dull a forced Jest, and afterwards explaining it.  Purf. 
Do you think this is very becoming, Gentlemen, before us?  Goos. 
I apprehended this Lawyer had some-how disobliged you, Madam, and so looked upon myself bound in honour to engage on your ladyship's side.  Brev. 
'Sbud I'll venture to affront him.  [Aside. Purf. 
I beseech you, Sir, if you must engage, let it be for yourself.  Goos. 
Myself? so now I have a good subject, Madam, I am—  Purf. 
Hold, Sir, if you once begin to talk of yourself, we shall ne'er stop your Mouth, therefore you shall hear me handle that Subject concisely:— You are a vain, noisy, empty, insipid—  Brev. 
Fool.  Goos. 
How's this, Sir, is it manners thus to take the Fool out of a Lady's Mouth?  Ply. 
I think, Gentlemen, it would be Manners to share your Discourse so, that you might by turns entertain us both.— I han't had a syllable from either of you yet.  Goos. 
That's because this Body of the Law has interposed; I know myself accomplished with all the Rules of general Conversation, and have suitable Sayings for all Complexions.  Ply. 
I am no stranger, Sir, to your most refined way of Discourse.  Goos. 
You confound me, Madam, with your Encomium, though I must own the justice of it: Now for you, Madam, [to Purf.] let us look fixed on each other a while, that I may drink up your Eyes with mine;— and I that look so brillant with my own, how glorious shall I appear with the addition of your Rays?  Purf. 
Still you take care to squeeze in yourself;— I believe you would suffer more patiently the loss of your Mistress,— than be deprived of that dear Self-Opinion;— and in my Conscience you undergo more hazard of being jilted by yourself, than by the most subtle of our Sex.  Goos. 
What, Madam, do you design to be severe upon me, but I have bethought myself of a sure way of overpowering you, [Clapping his Hat before his Face, and taking it away again of a sudden:] Flash, flash, egad you're fixed and transfixed.— What, Lawyer, are you Thunderstruck too?  Brev. 
What a pox can you mean by this Foppery and Impertinence?  Purf. 
Come, Cousin. let us slip into another Walk, and leave the Blockheads to wrangle by themselves.  [Exeunt Purf. and Ply. Goos. 
What was that you said, Sir Foppery and Impertinence;— you lie Sir, Foppery in the Face of you, and Impertinence upon your backside.  [Hits him a slap in the Face, and a kick on the Breech. Brev. 
Say you so, Sir? Come on, Sir.  Goos. 
A Fool, Sir.  Brev. 
The Lie and a Kick, Sir?  They often draw their Sword's part of the way out, and slip them up again by turns. Goos. 
Impertinent Fop, Sir.  Brev. 
Ay, Sir.  Goos. 
Then no more to be said, Sir.  Brev. 
Then no more to be said neither, if that be all; and so farewell till I meet you next.  [Exit. Goos. 
Fare you well too, if you be so huffish.  Enter Bellair. Bell. 
I was coming, Sir, with what haste I was able, to prevent mischief, but I find your Prudence has overbalanced your Passion.  Goos. 
egad, Sir, we were very near it;— had I drawn an Inch farther, my Sword had been unsheathed, and then by this time, this spot of Ground had been deluged with a Crimson Flood.  Bell. 
You keep the Field, I see.  Goos. 
Yes, Sir, the Enemy fled not being able to make Head against the terror of my Puissance,— and e'er he rallies again I'll pursue and perfect my Conquest.  [Exit contrary way to Breviat. Enter Mrs. Purflew and Mrs. Pliant. Purf. 
What are become of the Combatants?— We saw the desperate Action through the Hedge.  Bell. 
Ha, ha; they have taken different Routs, I suppose, to prevent meeting again, tho, as far as I see, they may do it safely at any time;— they are certainly acting a Farce, or they are the rankest Cowards upon the face of the Earth.  Ply. 
They are very much in earnest, I'll assure you, Sir, and the Prize they contest for, no less a Stake than this Lady.  Bell. 
I fear it would be very hazardous for the Lady to trust her Honour under either of their Protections.  Purf. 
I shall take care never to bring my Honour so far in question to need a Champion for its Defence.  Bell. 
The most virtuous, Madam, may be subject to Detraction▪  Purf. 
And a public Vindication seldom abates the Scandal,— Innocence is the surest Guard and the best Defence against a Reproach.  Bell. 
Now your hand is in, pray Madam, give your Reasoning Faculty the liberty of determining what ought to be the recompense of an unsullied Faith, and how long a time is required to be convinced of the reality of Pretensions.  Purf. 
'Tis easily answered, Sir,— if that Faith respects a Reward, it seems to be too selfish, and therefore deserves none;— and if those Pretensions grow faint, and weary, it's a sign they were never real, and therefore ought not to be valued.  Ply. 
Perhaps, Sir, I can give you a more satisfactory Answer;— hark ye, a word in your Ear.  [Whispers. Purf. 
I vow, Cousin, the Air grows so very cool, it's time we should be going, come away.  Ply. 
Adieu, Sir,— I know we shan't be long before we see you.  [Exit Purf. and Ply. Bell. 
Come in disguise, bring a Parson with me and Jocund Masked in a Woman's Habit, this exactly agrees with what the Boy said:— Now methinks the ineffable Joys begin to appear in view, a sudden 〈◊〉 shoots through my Veins;— my Blood moves quick, and my Breast heaves high, as doubting their force to sustain the approaching Bliss, my hasty Thoughts anticipate the flowing Pleasures, and leave me all dissolved with the power of Apprehension.  [Exit.  

SCENE changes to a Room in the Alderman's and Sir Nich. House.  Enter Alderman and Sprightly. Ald. 
Well, old trusty Trojan, is all things in order?— has the Canonical Black his proper Post of Darkness?— hast given my Niece the Cautionary Instructions, honest old dry Chops, ha?  Spirit. 
Yes, an't please your Honour's Worship, all things are as they should be, and God send the Lawyer be so, all will be well o'er, egad— I ha' shed many a Tear to think on my poor young Mistress to Night, God love her, poor tender Chicken.  Ald. 
Never doubt her, old Sprightly:— I'dad, I'dad, I shall grow as mad as a March Hare to hear the young Hussie squeak.— If I should come caterwauling into the Garrets to Night amongst the Wenches, be sure thou exercisest thy retentive Faculty, dost hear?  Spirit. 
An't like your Worship, I was never given to twittle twattle.  Ald. 
Don't you babble then, but hold your Clack.  Spirit. 
I'll warrant you, I'll be as silent as a Mouse in a Cheese.  Aid. 
I hear some body a coming, I believe 'tis the Lawyer, I'll go see.  [Exit. Enter Sir Nicholas. Sir Nich. 
Is every thing in a decent posture, to make an honourable Reception for that true Epitome of Honour, my spruce Nephew that must be? Alderman Whim smokes nothing of our Project, I'll vow thou meritest Coat-Armour for thy Cunning and Secrecy:— What think'st of a Cat Couchant, ods-life thou shalt have one for thee and thy whole Posterity.  Spr. 
Bless your Honour,— ●eckins I am glad at Heart I can serve your Honour's Worship:— I warrant my young Mistress, Lord save my Child, will feel the Cockles of her Heart leap, when she has got that sweet smock-faced Gentleman in Bed with her.— I'll go see that all things be done in print to your Honour's liking.  [Exit. Sir Nich. 
Do so, honest Sprightly.— Here comes old Whim to vent some new-hatched Project, I dare say.  Enter Alderman. Ald. 
I have been considering of it, Brother,— and find, if the War holds, we must of necessity introduce Polygamy for the supply of Men.  Sir Nich. 
On my word, Brother, you say well— The Huns, Lombard's, Goths and Vandals, had ne'er made so many Southern Incursions, had they not had a plurality of Wives.  Ald. 
You shall invent Additions of Honour for them that are most dextrous at Propagation, and add to their former Coats, Bulls, Goats, Stone-horses, and Cock-sparrows— I'dad as old as I am, I'll have for my share half a score at least, and strut about, my little Seraglio, the lusty predominant Alderman, Sultan, Whim.  Sir Nich. 
You do well to talk of a Seraglio, for were those ten Wives to go loose, the Neck of the best Town-Bull in the Country would not be able to support your Horns.  Ald. 
But hark ye Sir Nicholas, my dear Brother and worthy Knight— Let's consider of disposing of our Charge— I'dad if she gets sensible of her own Power, she'll perhaps bob us both in short.  Sir Nich. 
Your Advice, dear Brother, is of great Importance— Here I'll read you a List of our Proposals.  Ald. 
And I'll give you my Opinion.  Sir Nich. 
Imprimis, My Lord Grimace promises us Court-preferment.  Ald. 
He has not Interest there, not so much as to have a Stand-by from the Yeoman-Usher.  Sir Nich. 
Item, My Lord Supple says he'll make his Appearance for us in the Country at the next Elections.  Ald. 
His Honour is ham-stringed by bowing two ways at once, therefore his Cringes will be of no farther use. But here's the Company a coming, to morrow we'll settle this Matter, and dedicate this Night to Mirth.  Enter at one Door Breviat, Goosandelo, Sapless and Eager, at the other Pliant and Jacond Masked; soon after Purflew also Masked. Goos. 
Oh, you Heavens! what, the Ladies in Masquerade!— had we known that, we would have been in Habits too.— I would have been the Great Mogul, Brother of the Stars, and Son of the Sun, and have outshined my Glorious Father himself:— The Lawyer should have been Prestor John of Aethiopia, Mr. Sapless, Garagantua; and honest Jack Eager, Pantagruel.  Sir Nich. 
It's no matter, the Ladies shall Unmask presently.— Pray Place you selves, Fiddles: Strike up.  [The Fiddles flourish. Enter Tip-staffe, and Constables. Ald. 
Heyday, what's here to do?— What, Sir Nicholas, is your Arcadian Pastoral to be performed by Tipstaffs and Constables?  Tip. 
By your leave, Gentlemen, our Business is with one John Eager, alias Curryman: here's the Gentleman, seize him.  Sir Nich. 
What, what's the matter? what Process have you against Mr. Eager?  Tip. 
Only a Warrant, Sir, that Charges him with a few small Forgeries, of Bonds, Wills, and Indentures; that's all, Sir.  Eag. 
So now must I be clapped up betwixt a pair of Iron-Grates, and squeezed dry, and then be turned loose for new Exploits— That's the main business I protest, Gentlemen.  Const. 
Away with him, away with him.  [The Constable carries off Eager. Ald. 
I'dad I began to believe this Eager was a sort of a Dangerous Spark.  Sir Nich. 
You would not believe me, Brother; for my part, I saw it in his Eyes, and discovered the Perfidy of his Soul through the Portholes of his Body.— Now, now stand clear.  
An Entertainment of Singing and Dancing by Shepherd's and Satyr's; in the beginning of which, Sprightly slips off, Goosandelo and Jocund at one Door, and Breviate and Pliant at the other, who soon after return again. At the latter End of the Dance, Bellair appears in Disguise.  

A SONG, in Dialogue, Sung by Mr. Reading and Mrs. Hodgson: Set by Mr. John Eccles.  

1 COme, Thyrsis, come; let us our Voices try,  
And Charm the Woods with Orphean Melody.  
2 This is the Glorious Annual Night,  
That first gave fair Corinna Light.  
1 The Bright Corinna,  
2 Divine Corinna.  
1 Corinna, who has Joys in store;  
2 Corinna, whom all Eyes adore:  
[Both.] Corinna, who, etc.   

1 Come, let us of her Graces tell,  
Charms that do Themselves excel.  
2 Let us softest Notes rehearse,  
And Sing her Beauties in Immortal Verse.  
[Both.] Let us softest, etc.   

CHORUS.  
We'll all join in Chorus, and Echo her Praise;  
Pay our Vows to the Gods, to smile on her Days:  
May she ever be Gay, may she ever be Young;  
As our Harmony sweet, and as soft as our Song.    Sir Nich. 
Very well performed, the Interlude we'll have after Supper.  Ald. 
Brother, Brother; Pray what Spark is this that looks so big, and struts about at this Rate?  Sir Nich. 
It may be he is dropped from the Sky, for I know nothing of him.  Brev. 
[Leading up Pliant to the Alderman and Sir Nicholas] Gentlemen, I have the Honour to be your Nephew, and humbly beg you will Approve the Choice your Niece has made.  Ald. 
Ay, Niece: Have you been too nimble for us? Come, Brother, since 'tis so, Mr. Breviat is an ingenious worthy Gentleman, let's wish 'em Joy.  Sir Nich. 
Ounz, what's the meaning of this?  Goos. 
[Leading up Jocund.] Ah, ah, ah; Faith, Lawyer, you are a little beside the Point: Gentlemen, your Beautiful Niece has delivered her fair Person to me.— Under therefore your benign Aspect, we shall shine the two brightest Glories of this your Hemisphere.  Ald. 
What a pox is the matter now?  Sir Nich. 
Ay, ay, Brother; Mr. Goosandelo is a Person of Honour and Quality; I think we shall do well to Congratulate the Match.  Bell. 
[Leading up Mrs. Purflew.] Make room here, I lay claim to this Lady, who lately bore the Name of Purflew, and am ready to justify my Title.  Sir Nich. & Alderm. 
Bless us, who's this?  Purflew 
[Discovering herself.] I hope, Uncles, the different Measures in each of your Conducts will excuse my Choice of this Gentleman, whom I have made my Husband.  Ald. 
Pray will you all Unmask, that these Riddles may be explained.  Bell. 
[Discovering himself.] My Name is Bellair; it shall be my Care to set a true Value on the Blessing I have obtained.  Omnes. 
Coll. Bellair!  Ald. 
Who have you got, Mr. Breviat? [Pliant discovering herself.] What, my Cousin Pliant!  Brev. 
O Lord, what will become of me when I go the Circuit!— Faith I may now go and take a gentle Swing into the other Word, and so finish the Law upon myself.  Ply. 
Don't despair, Sir; now I am yours, I may be allowed to own my Affections for you, and since Custom deprives our Sex of making Court where we like; when I was assured of my Cousin Purflew's Preingagement, I took this method, and shall, I hope, by my Duty, procure your Esteem.  Goos. 
[Jocand discovering himself.] Oh ye Powers above, I have Married a Boy here.  Omnes. 
Ha, ha, ha, ha.  Goos. 
And Ha, ha, ha, too:— egad I'm glad on't, it's a very pretty Boy by my Soul: come to my Arms, my dear little Ganymede.  Ald. 
Fine doings, I'dad.— Ah, Brother, we are well enough served for being so distrustful of each other.  Sir Nich. 
Since my Niece has disposed of herself— I am glad she has made Choice of you, Sir:— I am not unacquainted with the Family of the Bellairs, and you, Colonel, have added fresh Laurels to the Deeds of your worthy Ancestors, and have maintained an indisputable Character of a Man of Honour.— Come, let's have another Dance, and so in to the Collation.  A DANCE by Two Sheppardesses. Sir Nich. 
Come, now to Supper.  Bell. 
Then to that grand Regale of Bliss, where famished Love may make an insatiate Feast of Beauty.  Purf. 
What share, Sir, I have of it, is but a just Reward for your faithful Passion  
They're sordid Flames, that Interest does impart;  
Nothing but Love's a Purchase for a Heart.  Exeunt.   

EPILOGUE: Spoke by Miss Howard, in Pages Habit.  
I Find I'm forward in my Tender Age,  
And show the Early Manhood of a Page.  
I dare already for a Mistress Tilt,  
Bully a Bawd, and Kick a Bant'ring Jilt;  
Can cheat at Cards, Slur, Strike, or Palm ● die,  
Break Windows too, with Midnight Gallantry.  
Thus being qualified, I need not fear,  
To go abroad a Taring Volunteer,  
And be a Captain by another Year.  
Ladies, look to't, by that time I come back,  
I shall have learned to Manage an Attack;  
I'll Court you then in Military Strain,  
And, by my Dint of Conduct, Conquest gain:  
But e'er I bid adieu, Faith I've a mind  
To leave you some good Wishes here behind.  
May Virgin ne'er her first Desires balk,  
So fall to feeding upon Coals or Chaulk.  
May never Wife any Occasion miss,  
To wipe her Lips of Husband's nauseous Kiss.  
May no Rich Widow e'er her Kindness smother,  
Or spare to pay the Pains of Younger Brother.  
May none of either Sex, e'er fail to find,  
A Lover constant, or a Mistress kind.  
FINIS.   

Advertisements.  
OROONOKO: A Tragedy. Written by Mr. Southern. Deliciae Musicae, the Fourth Book: which completes the First Volume. Printed for H. Playford and B. Tooke.