Ludit, sed neminem lo dit mea Musa jocosa  
Quoga, videt, ridet, nec retinere queat   
Englished.  

My merry Muse doth jest, but none abuse  
It laughs at what it sees, nor can it choose   
Sequitur post nubila Phoebus.  
Et prodesse solent, & delecture Poetae.  
Printed for M. Wright at the King's head in the Old Bayley. 1662.   

Donne's satire. CONTAINING 

1. A short Map of mundane Vanity  
2. A Cabinet of Merry Conceits.  
3. Certain pleasant Propositions, and Questions, with their merry Solutions and Answers.   Being very Useful, Pleasant, and Delightful to all; and Offensive to none.  
By Jo. Donne.  
London, Printed by R. W. for M. Wright, at the King's Head in the Old-Bailey, 1662.   

To the Right Worshipful, and his very good Friend, Sir Francis Edward's Baronet, and to his truly virtuous Mother, the right Worshipful Lady, Sicily Edward's of Shrewsbury, in the County of Salop, Widow, the Author entirely wisheth the full accomplishment of their choicest desires both here, and hereafter.  
Right Worshipful,  
AS after sickness, health; after restraint, liberty; after sorrows, solace; after pain, pleasure; after showers, sunshine; after wars, peace; and after melancholy, mirth is the more musical, sweet, acceptable, delightful, and pleasant to the full possessor and free enjoyer thereof; so in regard of the many and manifold pressures, oppressions, plunderings, exilements, imprisonments, and inutterable injuries and wrongs many millions have for these many years of late undoubtedly endured, if they were right Royalists; and wherein your Right Worshipful Father Sir Thomas Edward's late deceased (I am confident) did not escape scotfree: I have presumed to present to your favourable Censure, A Cabinet of merry Conceits, which I penned at some interims of leisure for mine own private recreation then, but for yours now; wishing that you may be as pleasant in the perusing of them, as I was in the composing of them. Wherein I have pretermitted divine matters, for, non ludendum cum sanctis; remembering that the Fly playing with the candle had his wings clipped for his over boldness: nor have I intermeddled with State Affairs, for, quae supra nos, nihil ad nos; not forgetting Aesop's Wolf, who prying into the Lion's den, had his skin pulled o'er his ears for his presumption. Nor have I pointed at any particular persons by (Critick-like) traducing his good name; or (Cinick-like) carping at his carriage and conditions; for I never liked of such an one as Horace hints at, 
— duminodo risum  
Excuciat sibi non hic cuiquam parcit amico.  
So he may shake with laughter where he goes,  
He does not spare the dearest friend he knows.  Since this late, though long desired thrice happy Alteration, far beyond the expectation of humane wit, (for therein was digitus Dei, the visible power of the invisible Divine Providence perspicuously manifested to all the world) very many, and those great ones too, who though they had the cream of the former times, have clean turned Cat in pan, and would have all, (if it might be) they find such sweetness in it. Indeed it was long since a remarkable Machiavilian Maxim, that qui nescit dissimulare, nescit vivere, (i. e.) who cannot dissemble cannot live; which though it were a Heathenish speech, yet was never put more in practice then in these Fanatic times; for he that cannot metamorphose his shape like Proteus, vary his hue like the Polypus, change his colour like the Chameleon, bear two faces under a hood like Janus, comply with every Planet like Mercury, vary and change like the Moon constantly, turn with the Weathercock, adulate with Aristippus, equivocate with Sinon, dissemble with Gnatho, hunt with the Hound, and hold with the Hare, carry fire in the one hand, and water in the other; and in a word, who cannot temporize at all times, with all persons, and in all places, that man knows not how to look or live in this hypocritical, perverse, and crooked Generation. I remember a Jest, as I heard fathered upon Dr. Pearn a Cantabrigian, in the time of Hen. 8. in whose Reign there was much chopping and changing in matters of Religion, and still this Dr. temporised and turned with them at a hairs breadth; who being a notable bone Companion, and invited to a great Feast, after dinner was ended, he very pleasantly culled out a Gentlewoman there to dance with him, whom after a little tracing he highly applauded for her exquisite dancing; (as indeed she merited no less) she thanking him for her undeserved commendations, retorts this jeer upon him; Truly Mr. Dr. I must ingeniously confess I can dance indifferent well, but I cannot turn so well as you: whereat the whole company then present laughed very heartily. Another Gentleman in an eminent Office at Court in the same K. Henry's Reign, kept ever a correspondency with the times, let them turn how they would he weighed not, when as others that had a more tender conscience were displaced and lost all; which some well observing, asked him how he could hold in such difficult times as those were: Pish, (quoth he) ye are all fools, ego ex salice fio, non ex quercu; I am made of the tractable and pliable Willow, and not of the inflexible and stubborn Oak. Wherein the loyal Royalists rightly resembles the Oak; for as the well-rooted Oak will not be easily overturned by any violent storm, or furious tempest whatsoever; so the well gounded royalist will not be moved, much less be carried away with every whistling wind of any vain, erroneous, and false doctrine, but like Aristotle's Quadratus, in utrumque paratus, come weal or woe, prosperity or povery, he continues still the same. The Oak was formerly by the Heathens dedicated to Jupiter, and so termed Jovis arbour; but we may now more properly call it, not Jovis, but Jehovae arbour, not Jove's, but Jehovahs' tree; for the Royal Oak, by the special Divine Providence proved a most happy Asylum, and sure succour and refuge to his most Sacred Majesty, when his innocent integrity was most eagerly pursued after by those raging and ravening, blood-seeking and bloodsucking Wolves, (palliated in fair and specious sheep's clothing) to be utterly devoured by them. Now right Worshipful, in that I well know, that I shall have some mocking Momus, carping Zoilus, and snarling Cynic (whereof no age is free) censoriously to traduce, and despitefully to writhe and wrest the sense and meaning os some of these my harmless Lines; I tender these my pleasing pains to your Worship as my Maecenas, to secure and shrewd them under the tutelary Patronage of your Worship's protection, as under Achilles' sevenfold Buckler, from the inevitable darts of calumniating tongues. In an assured Confidence whereof, I am  
Your Worship's most humbly devoted Servant, to be commanded, Jo. Donne, Salopiensis.   

A SHORT MAP OF Mundane Vanity.  
Vanitas vanitatum, & omnia vanitas.  
Vanity of vanity, and all is vanity.  

1. Of Mundane Vanity.  

WHen Solomon had tried all variety  
Of mundane pleasures, even to full satiety;  
And after throughly weighed the world's condition,  
And therein man's: concludes with this Position,  
All that man can in this wide World inherit,  
Is vain, and but vexation of the spirit.    

2. Of the World.  

The World's much like a fair deceitful Nut,  
Whereto when once the knife of truth is put,  
And it is opened, a right judicious eye  
Finds nothing in't, but mere vacuity.    

3. Of the same.  

The World's a Book, all Creatures are the Story,  
Wherein God reads dumb lectures of his glory.    

4. Another of the same.  

Earth is the womb from whence all living came,  
So is't the tomb, all go unto the same;  
And as at first all naked thence were born,  
So as naked thither all at last return;  
Unless they carry thence a winding sheet,  
To hide their weak frail nakedness, most meet.    

5. Another of the same.  

When Aloxander had subdued almost  
This spacious Globe, and therein every Coast,  
He asked his Tutor Aristotle, whether  
There were more Worlds to conquer altogether:  
Who answered, there were many worlds beside;  
Whereat ambitious Alexander cried:  
Which shows this great world is far lesser than  
The small heart, in the little world of man.    

6. Of man the little World.  

The whole course of man's life compared may be  
Unto an Interlude, or Comedy:  
The World's the Theatre, or Stage whereon  
Some part or other's acted by each one;  
One acts a Prince, which in great pomp doth shine,  
Another personates a grave Divine;  
This acts a curious Courtier neat and gay,  
And that a Clown, or Jester in the Play.  
This an hard Lawyer pleading at the Bar,  
That a rich Merchant that had travelled far;  
This a bold Soldier that his fortune tries,  
A Doctor that which cures all maladies:  
This a Shopkeeper selling sorts of wares,  
And that a Ploughman full of carks and cares;  
This a rich Usurer, which of gold hath store,  
A Beggar that, which goes from door to door.  
In fine, some act this part, and others that,  
And some present (indeed) they know not what:  
To this a long, to that a short part's cast,  
But short or long, they all come off at last:  
Nature hath a Catastrophe intended,  
Death says th' Epilogue, and th'Play is ended.    

7. Of youthful Love.  

Love's an entaged frenzy of the Brain,  
Which makes one extreme sick, yet feels no pain;  
H'as all his parts, yet puts them to no function,  
He pines away, and yet's in no consumption:  
He hath a heart, yet's heartless, sees, yet's blind,  
Not mentis compos, yet he hath a mind.  
He labours not, and yet no rest he takes,  
He ofttimes waking sleeps, and sleeping wakes;  
He laughs and weeps, sighs and sings presently,  
He's in good health, yet ready for to die:  
He's loose, and yet in close captivity,  
Wounded yet whole, sick yet well, bound yet free:  
He's an inanimate without a Soul,  
In that another body hath it whole.  
He's like a moving mere Anatomy,  
Or like a seeming living Mortuary;  
He leads a living death, and dying life,  
'Cause whom he loves, he cannot have to wife.  
Thus 'twixt despair and hope, both night and day,  
His careful careless time he drives away.    

8. Of Lust.  

A Leacher's of a Leeches nature right,  
The which in sucking sets his sole delight;  
It's very eager at a fluent vein,  
Still sucks and vents, and vents and sucks again:  
And he like Hannibal can never rest,  
Whether he lose the field, or get the best.    

9 Of Ebriety.  

Drunkards like one sick of the Dropsy lies,  
The more he drinks, the more for drink he cries;  
And when h'as more than well his hide can hold,  
Yet still he thirsts for more, and more fain would.    

10. Of Avarice.  

A Miser's like the dog, which with a bone  
Swum o'er the water, whilst the sun clear shone;  
Greedy of more, he at the shadow catches,  
But brought nought home; so do most miser wretches:  
Such pinch and pine their belly and their back,  
And though they have too much, yet more they lack.    

11. Of Frugality.  

A frugal thirsty man compare one may,  
T'a fasting Eve, before an Holiday;  
His fasting over night makes others fare  
The next day better for what he did spare.    

12. Of Prodigality.  

A Prodigal is like a stormy shower,  
Which if impetuously it down do pour,  
'Tis soon gone; so the faster he doth spend,  
The sooner he brings all unto an end:  
For it's a Philosophic Axiom sure,  
Nothing that's violent can long endure.    

13. Of Gluttony.  

A beastly Glutton's like a Cormorant,  
Which when of Fish he lights of a great haunt,  
It greedily ingurgitates such store,  
That it is fain to cast some upon shore:  
So when this all-devouring Glutton puts  
Moore offas in his full farced foul fat guts,  
Then his o'reladen Panch can well contain,  
He loathsomely ejects it out again.    

14. Of Hypocrisy.  

A formal Hypocrite is every way  
Directly like an Actor in a Play;  
Who (what e'er the spectators of him deemeth)  
Is not the same which then in show he seemeth.    

15. Of Astrology.  

Plato did say, that he did wonder much,  
(His censure of Astrologers was such)  
That they on one another did not smile,  
When e'er they met, they used such fraud & guile;  
And that Impostor with his subtle fictions,  
And with's Perhaps ambiguous war-predictions,  
Leapt up his acquaint mysterious Dilems slily,  
But now his own side knows he did but lie lie.    

16. Of Theology, or Divinity.  

Theology's like Moses shining face,  
So veiled, vile Atheists cannot view its blaze;  
But to such as thereof make just account,  
It's like to Christ transfigured on the Mount.    

17. Of the Law.  

Law's a Meander, Labyrinth, or Maze,  
Wherein though men do scrutinize each place;  
Yet betwixt hope, despair, and fear, and doubt,  
A silver clue at haft must guide them out.    

18. Of Physic.  

Physic's a ship pump to force water thence,  
By leaks procured through pilate's negligence;  
Want of which pumping, and of cauking chinks,  
(If any be) the ship and all soon sinks.    

19 Of Humane Knowledge.  

All humane knowledge when it comes to trial,  
Is like the Storks meat in a clofe mouthed vial;  
The Fox looked, liked, licked, longed, (but not a pin  
The better) he ne'er touched the meat within.    

20. Of Learning.  

Learning's a trimming for to set out brave  
The homely plain apparel Nature gave.    

21. Of High Birth.  

High Birth is but a mere vainglorious brag,  
At first fetched from some Miser's muncorn bag.    

22. Of Beauty.  

Beauty's a flower in prime of morn affected,  
And in declining noon a blast rejected.    

23. Of Honour.  

Honour's a shadow which the follower flies,  
And such as from it haste, it after hies.    

24. Of Pleasure.  

Pleasure's a short sweet dance of joy and gladness,  
With sport begun, soon done, and ends in sadness.    

25. Of Pride.  

Pride's a mere meteor made of slightly matter,  
A soapy bubble raised of wind and water;  
The richest silks that pride can wear, worms gave them,  
The comeliest corpse that pride can bear, worms have them.    

26. Of Ambition.  

The ambitious man a ladder first doth clime,  
But (heedless) ne'er looks back at any time;  
The Devil steals the staves away amain,  
For to prevent his coming down again:  
When he sees no way thence, but he must fall,  
He tumbles down, and breaks his neck withal.    

27. Of Applause.  

Applause is but a puff of wind which blows,  
Now here, now there, as each one's fancy goes.    

28. Of Marriage.  

Folks wedded are like guests at a great feast,  
Having well fed would gladly be released;  
The unmarried fain would in their rooms be placed,  
That (hungry) they of their good cheer might taste.    

29. Of Riches.  

Riches puff up the owner, like the Ass  
Which did with Queen Tomyris statue pass;  
The people to her glorious Image bowed,  
The Ass thought they him adored, and so grew proud.    

30. Of Poverty.  

A poor man's like an Almanac that's gone,  
Quite out of date, cast by, nor looked upon;  
Or like as Aesop's poor old Lion was  
Of all beasts scorned, as much as of the Ass.    

31. Of Venery.  

As a thief in a Candle ne'er doth cease,  
Till it by running wastes the candle grease;  
So frequent Venery exhausts soon all  
Man's life, preserving moisture radical.    

Of the four Ages of Man.  

32. 1. Of Infancy.  

The Infant at's first entrance to this light,  
By's piteous cries and tears foretelleth right,  
He's come into a world of grief, not laughter,  
And (if he lives) will feel much more hereafter.    

33. 2. Of Youth.  

Youth's apelike apt, to play with, and rejoice  
In babies, babbles, rattles, gauds, and toys;  
It's wild, rash, rude in every enterprise,  
Bruit-like uncapable of good advice.    

34. 3. Of Manhood.  

Manhood is like a roaring raging Sea,  
Wherein as waves and surges, night and day  
Some loss or cross, some sorrow, grief, or pain  
Strait follows in the others neck amain.    

35. 4. Of Old Age.  

Old Age is the mere Map of Miseries,  
And Receptacle of all Maladies;  
No use of the five Senses it retains,  
Except the sense of Feeling of all pains,     

36. Of Man's Life.  

The whole course of man's life is every way  
Directly (if we note) but as one day;  
The same things, or the like, we daily plain  
Do re-act o'er and o'er, and o'er again:  
Why do we not (as cloyed) then loath this light,  
Because life ne'er so bitter still is sweet.    

37. Another of the same, and of the brevity thereof.  

Man's life's compared to many things I find,  
For Job doth similize it to the wind;  
James to a vapour, Esay unto grass,  
David t'a shadow, Paul unto a race;  
Some to a sleep, and others to a dream,  
And some to the swift running of a stream;  
Some to a Post, some to a shuttle flung,  
Some to a span, some to a tale or song;  
Some to a bubble in a shower of rain,  
Which soon is up, and soon is out again:  
Some to a Cobweb, as soon marred as made,  
And some to a fair flower which soon doth fade;  
All which (with many more) do show (in brief)  
The swift celerity of Man's short life.    

38. Of Man.  

Man's at his birth a poor small red worm sprawling,  
A silly slimy creature brought forth brawling;  
Man's at his death a pale worm in a sheet,  
Wherein worms breed, worms feed, meat for worms meet.    

39 Of Death.  

Death is the Haven whereat all alive  
Must with their voyage good or bad arrive.   
Mors ultima linea rerum.   
FINIS.   
Roundhead. 
I'm clome so high, I fear that I shall fall.  Cavalier. 
I look hard for a day shall pay for all.  The Wheel of Fortune then, but now by Divine Providence, (blessed be God for it) whereon was a CAVALIER ascending, and a ROUNDHEAD descending. Roundhead. 

Lo I'm on top of Fortune's Wheel,  
Each minute ready down to reel;  
And if the Wheel but once turn round,  
I shall lie level with the ground;  
Then if I happen to be poor,  
I am but as I was before:  
For (as some say) the Eagles plumes,  
All feathers with them mixed consumes;  
So some ill gotten Goods will waste  
All others that are with them placed:  
And if the Goods that I did plunder,  
Do never prosper, 'tis no wonder;  
Nor let there any that do wrong,  
Think for to thrive or flourish long.  
So from the Church who holds her due,  
The same severely after rue;  
And such as Sacrilege commit,  
Have never good success with it:  
For who e'er had Tolossus Gold  
The same unhappily did hold.   

Thus God will plague us as we have deserved,  
And as we others served, we shall be served.   Per quod quis peccat, per idem punitur & ipse. Cavalier. 

Lo I'm at Fortune's lowest pitch,  
Now very poor, who late was rich;  
Yet as Seas ebb, and flow amain,  
As Sun doth set, and rise again;  
As sorrows for a night endure,  
So joys come in the morning sure.  
And as God suffered once the Devil,  
To do good patient Job much evil,  
For he against him furious mad,  
Robbed him at once of all he had;  
Yet not long after all his trouble,  
God added to him all things double:  
And what was done (the Scripture saith)  
Was but for trial of Jobs faith.  
So I know my Redeemer liveth,  
The Lord is he that takes, and giveth;  
He wounds, he heals, he kills, he cures,  
From him comes what e'er Man endures.  
He in due time my pain will ease,  
And cause these Civil Wars to cease.   

Thus God at length will raise Us from the dust,  
Who in him with a steadfast faith do trust.   Heu passi graviora, Deus dabit his quoque finem. 
For these Verses (which were sent to a Gentleman and miscarried) I lay long time in Prison in Marshal Hoptons' House, the Year afore the last great Sickness in Shrewshury. Anno Dom. _____  
Place this between folio 14, & 15.   

A CABINET OF Merry Conceits.  

1. Of the Sun. Sit mihi Sol solus.  

THe Indians do adore to this day even  
The Sun, and Moon, and all the host of heaven;  
Ascribing unto these the growth and birth  
Of all Oars, Mines, and Metals in the earth:  
Yet Sol the chief of Deities they hold,  
For by his influence is their precious Gold  
In pregnant Tellus fruitful womb engendered,  
That Mammon of this world so dearly tendered;  
The brightness of whose lustre doth so blind  
Some Worldlings eyes, that God they never mind:  
And though those Pagans as a God do prize him,  
Yet to a Devil some do similize him.  
The Devil's termed in Scripture, Prince of th' Air, As thus.  
And rules three Regions there main large and fair;  
And doth not the Sun sway with greater power  
Through all those spacious Regions every hour?  
Nay there old Phoebus with one eye espies  
Far more than he with all his Argos eyes.   

The Devil can by God's permissive might  
Transform himself into an Angel bright;  
And doth not somewhere the resplendent Sun  
Do every day as much, at morn or noon?   

Satan the Earth doth compass to and fro,  
And so doth Sol, (as all the world doth know)  
For he to see us daily doth not cease,  
Then goes at night to the Antipodes.   

The Devil Lucifer hath his name right,  
Of his distributing and giving light;  
And yet a thousand Devils such as he  
Cannot give half the light as Sol (all see)   

That master Devil Belzebub of flies,  
The Idol God, (for so his name implies  
In Hebrew) though of swarms he hath great store  
Buzzing about his Offerings evermore;  
Yet Sol breeds more of them in one of's Regions  
Then he, and of his Devils many Legions;  
And did but the Indians note the many evils  
Solemnising them procures, they'd count him worst of devils:  
For with his scorching beams he daily burns them,  
And into the black shape of Devils turns them;  
And they do see that only for their Oar  
They've been by Spaniards plagued so grievous sore,  
That they confessed they'd rather go to hell,  
Then unto heaven with Spaniards there to dwell.  
They therefore as a Devil should abhor him,  
Rather than as their chiefest God adore him;  
And as a fiend they rather should defy him,  
Then as their dearest friend so deify him.    

2. Of the Sun Tavern.  

One staggering out of the Sun Tavern came,  
And being far in drink, and out of frame,  
A friend him meets and greets, but not a word  
This stupefied Sot could him afford;  
And if he did, (a wager might be laid)  
He would not stand to any thing he said;  
His face being foully fleckt, and both his eyes  
With drink main red, his friend to him thus cries,  
I know where you were late I'll hold a gun,  
For your face shows that you were in the Sun.    

3. Of the Moon Inn or Tavern, and of the Moon in the Eclipse.  

There was an Host which the Moon Tavern held,  
Cornuto called, and there he long time dwelled;  
And his Wife's name was Phoebe, very rare  
For beauty, and they called their Dog star  
Phoebe (according to her name) was light,  
And other the male Planets did delight,  
To visit her, for they're all given to ranging,  
As Venus, and as Phoebe are to changing.   

The House was set forth in such curious wise,  
It seeemed an heaven, or earthly Paradise;  
The lower rooms shone with various radiations,  
Caused by reflection of some Constellations:  
The Chambers like the spangled Canopy  
Were decked with stars delightful to the eye:  
The twelve Signs were drawn neatly 'bout the bed,  
Cornuto lay, and Aries o'er his head;  
It chanced that Jove and Mars did both there meet,  
Jove with fair Phoebe, Mars with Venus sweet:  
Hermes comes in, and asked for Mars and Jove,  
Cornuto told him, they were both above;  
He stealing up there spies out Mars and Venus  
In amorous embraces Crurium tenus:  
Goes in another room, and there descries  
Light Phoebe, and bright Jove betwixt her things.  
This brave (quoth he) yet they do but their function,  
For Planets will be always in Conjunction;  
And I myself (indeed) I needs must say,  
At other times have done as much as they:  
And going to Cornuto, asked if he  
The Moon in the Eclipse did ever see.  
Cornuto answered no; but he would fain,  
Quoth Hermes come, and I will show you plain;  
Let's steal up softly lest the Dog-Star bark,  
Peep through that chink, see what's done there in dark.  
He spied, and looked on Hermes very sad,  
I've seen a sight (quoth he) makes me horn mad,  
I've often heard, but ne'er so much did heed  
But a man in the Moon I saw in deed.  
He was in motion there between her hips  
And that was sure the cause of the Eclipse.    

4. Of Charles Wayne.  

A Gentleman some Neighbours did invite  
To his house to sup in a Winter's night,  
And whilst each one in order told his Tale  
About the fire o'er a Cup of Ale,  
It chanced some bricks came tumbling down, whereat  
Afraid, all fell o'er one another flat.  
And some went out the matter for to see,  
Quoth one that then was of the company.  
Look, look I pray, do not you see Charles Wayne  
And the three Horses o'er the chimney plain;  
So that its very like some horse's hoof  
Struck down those bricks that loosely stood aloos.  
For if the Wain itself had then gone o'er  
It would have battered down abundance more;  
And then it's like (for which we've cause to pray)  
Not one of us had gone alive away.    

5. Of Galaxia, via lactea, or the milky way in Heaven.  

One ask whence, and upon what occasion  
This heavenly Sign had first his appellation;  
Another to him merrily replied,  
That at the latter end of Christmas tide,  
The Gods and Goddesses than each with either  
Agreeing for to wasle altogether;  
Fair Ganymedes was by Jove's command  
As messenger dismissed out of hand,  
To fetch some milk, who coming back again  
With a great bowl, the Dog-star barked amain;  
And he being sore afraid lest it would bite him,  
The Moon then being under cloud to light him,  
He at a star, for want of light, then stumbled,  
And therewith fell, and all the milk down tumbled;  
So that e'er since that time, till this day even,  
Stargazers call't the milky way in Heaven.    

6. Of Ignis fatuus, commonly called, Will of the Wisp.  

This Ignis fatuus in the darksome night,  
With his round rolling eye-deluding light,  
Th' amazed traveller leads through bust & brakes,  
O'er hedge and ditch, through pits, and ponds, and lakes;  
He knows not what to think, or do, or say,  
Or whether's better for to go or stay:  
And it infatuates so his stupid brain,  
He cannot hit the right way home again.    

7. Of certain Constellations in Heaven.  

One telling that besides the Planets seven,  
There's a great number of strange signs in heaven;  
As the Pleyades, Charles wain, Orion,  
Castor and Pollux, Tiger, Dragon, Lion,  
Arcturus Yard, Boötes, Pelican,  
The Dolphin, Galaxia, and the Swan,  
The Bull the greater, and the lesser Bear,  
And the Dog star unto them very near;  
One hearing him said flat, he'd not believe it,  
Although for real truth he out might give it;  
Did you ere see or hear, (quoth he) say right,  
The Dog-star bark, Bull roar, or those Bears bite.  
For in the Moonshine I've oft looked and waited,  
Yet ne'er saw Bull or Bear by that Dog baited.    

8. Of a falling Meteor.  

An Astrologian in a moonshine night  
Taking the altitude of a stars height  
With's Jacob's staff erected towards the sky,  
It chanced a Meteor fell down instantly,  
At which a Country Clown a great shout making,  
His Jacob's Staff then for a Crossbow taking,  
Thinking he'd hit a star, unto him saith,  
thou'rt a brave marksman, O well shot I'faith.    

9 Of the Shadow of the Gnomon of a Dial.  

Upon the Gnomon shadow if you spy all  
It shows how swift time goes, & we must die all.    

10. Of the World turned round.  

Copernicus' did take a world of pains  
Having a whimsy in his whirling brains,  
By strange fantastic Arguments to prove  
The heavens to stand still, and the Earth to move;  
Yet of late days his words for truth were found  
For they stood still, and then the world turned round.    

11. A dark Riddle proposed to blind Homer by some Fishermen.  

In Thickets, Groves, and Bushes now and then  
I do pursue my Game with Beagles ten;  
Those that I catch, of life I do deprive,  
And those I cannot catch I keep alive.    

12. Of a Cuckold.  

A Citizen of London, and his Bride  
Sitting at door together in Cheapside,  
And seeing some acquaintance by them pass,  
Being lately where a merry meeting was;  
(Quoth he) of Cuckolds yonder I discover  
A dozen right, for I did count them over.  
(Quoth she) are they so many just, d'ye know  
— You are an odd man sure in saying so.    

13. Another of the same.  

A Man and Wife upon the Seashore walking,  
And merrily to one another talking,  
(Quoth he) if Cuckolds all in th' Sea were cast,  
A monstrous number would be drowned at last.  
As sure as death there would (she did reply)  
Yet therein you speak unadvisedly;  
For if you ere desire to see that day  
First learn to swim, I hold it the best way.    

14. Of two Inns, the Kings-Head, and the Crown.  

A Widower and Widow lived in Town;  
He at the King-Head, and she at the Crown.  
It chanced they made (the better for to thrive)  
Between them a Conjunction Copulative:  
Yet (for a while) they being matched each to either,  
Knew not at which Inn best to live together;  
But seeing the Kings-head and Crowns separation  
Had caused great distractions in this Nation,  
She left her Inn, at his her life to lead,  
And so the Crown came right to the Kings-head.    

15. Of the Watch.  

One got up to make water in the night,  
Felt for a pot, at last on one did light;  
Which he found brimful underneath some beds,  
And out he casts it on the Watchman's heads;  
We are the Watch, (said they) you're much to blame  
T'abuse use us so, (but he knew not the same)  
The Watch (quoth he) than you did watch in vain,  
Else you'd escaped Zantippes shower of rain:  
The Proverb now is verified right,  
Harm watch, harm catch, for it proved so to night;  
The watchmen well appeased with this his jest,  
Bids him good night, he wishes them good rest.    

16. Of two fellow Travellers.  

Two old Comrades their fortunes went to try.  
Vowing to one another faithfully  
To ●old together whilst that they had breath,  
And ne'er to part asunder till their death;  
It chanced whilst they were in a desert walking,  
And there about some serious matters talking,  
A furious Bear pursues them eagerly,  
Away for safeguard of their lives they fly;  
The one (more active) climbs a tree apace,  
And th' other (weary) fell down on his face:  
The Bear full gorged did not then on him pray,  
But scented at him, and so went his way:  
At length he rises up, but sore afraid,  
And he that from the tree came to him, said,  
I prithee tell me true, what said the Bear,  
Whilst he even now was whispering in thy ear;  
Of such a knave he charged me to take heed,  
That will forsake his friend in his most need.    

17. Of a drunken Fiddler.  

A Fidler playing at a merry meeting,  
Was got foul foxed, by fuddling more than fitting;  
And casting his Crowd careless on his back,  
Forgot to tie the case, but left it slack;  
From thence he had not many furlongs gone,  
But lost his Crowd, for which he made great moan;  
I'm quite undone (he cries) I will go spill me,  
For if I ere go home my wife will kill me:  
Quoth one that met him fully in the face,  
Alas (poor wretch) I pity thy sad case;  
My Case (said he) is not to be lamented,  
For here it is, but I'm much discontented:  
I've lost my Fiddle, and my Fiddlestick,  
Which makes me out of Tune, and very sick.    

18. Of two great Travellers, the one Welch, and the other English.  
Shentilemen,  

You'll scarce believe when her tells where has been  
And what her in her days has known and seen.  
For her has seen Plym-hymons famous mountain,  
Whence fair Sabrina first derives her fountain;  
Which like an Eel creeps wriggling divers ways,  
Until it wind herself into the Seas.   

Her was on top of mighty Promentories,  
And of them her can tell stupendious stories:  
Caverna Castell. Mologolve, Brythen:  
Then you may think to heaven that her was nigh then.  
So was her in a Cave quite under ground,  
The furthest end whereof could ne'er be found:  
And there her heard some speak a language strange  
Which from the world's foundation ne'er did change  
Much like our language which Comrage we call,  
So old none knows its first original.  
Then all that hear her, hence may gather well,  
Her once was near to Heaven, and hard by Hell.  
Nay more●her saw (though some will think her jest)  
Of Eagles (bright Apollo's Birds) a nest.  
So her has seen (by Gott her tells no lies)  
Far more than e'er did Cesar with both his eyes.   

Well, cousin Daffee, has her told out her tales,  
Of all that her has known and seen in Wales.  
For her has gone no further all this while,  
Though that her Hearers her would fain beguile.   

I've been on Pymhills' top, main steep and pitch,  
And bottom too of the Castalian Ditch:  
The main strong raised Rousellian walls I scald,  
By the Rotundoes' late immured and palled.   

I've been on Mons Gilberti large and fair,  
Reaching nigh the mid Region of the Air.  
So I at Fons Bituminis have been,  
Which casts forth Pitch, a rare thing to be seen.  
If I of all I've seen should tell a Story,  
Then Daffee would say, I did it for vain glory:  
Yet one thing very strange I'll here recite,  
Which I till now had even forgotten quite.  
I travelled once to so remote a Land,  
That-I could with the palm of my right hand  
TheCavern stop, from whence the Wind doth blow  
And to the selfsame place I soon could go.  
Nay (Daffee) hadst thou been with me, I suppose  
Thou mightst have stopped the place then with thy Nose.  
(Quoth Daffee) I pray thee say no more; for I  
Know now thou tell'st a Kelwith, that's a lie.    

19 Of Thiefs robbing a poor House:  

Some Thiefs unto a very poor House came  
By night, intending for to rob the same;  
A neighbour at that time who them detected,  
Told them, nothing was there that they expected:  
And laughing said, that they were much to blame,  
And for to rob the spital 'twere a shame.  
What can ye see at midnight here (I pray)  
For I can here see nothing at midday.    

20. Of the Dog in the Manger.  

The Dog will not eat Hay himself, nor suffers  
The hungry Ox when he to eat it offers:  
So a Miser hoards, but useth not his Gold,  
Nor will let others use it, that fain would.    

21. Of angry Morris.  

Gwen-clean like a truly loving wife,  
Went for to see her Morris end his life.  
And when the halter was about his neck,  
She to him called, and with hand did beck.  
At length he spying her out, asked what she'd have  
Nothing (good Morris) only this her crave,  
That her would tell her quickly with all speed,  
Tell her, where her shall sow the Turnip seed:  
What turnips, now the Hangman will turn of her;  
What a pox ails her, did her come to scoff her.  
Quoth she, no by her troth, her swear and vow,  
But her doth see, Morris is angry now.    

22. Of a certain uncertain Drunkard.  

'Cause I to speak with thee no sooner came,  
Thou on my slackness layest all the blame;  
I came not in due time (I needs must say)  
Thou shouldst have named some other time of day.  
Would I'd come early that same day to thee,  
Or the next day assoon as I could see;  
In twilight late this matter is begun,  
So by thy drunk'ness nothing will be done.    

23. Of Mariners who cast o'er Shipboard a Friar, to whom they were confessed.  

Whilst fwelling waves arise, with blustering storm  
And angry seas the wearied ship enorms;  
Doubtful devotions in each Seaman's thought,  
Crying out alas, our sins this evil brought.  
Of Passengers, there was among the rest  
A Friar, to whom their faults they all confessed:  
But when they saw the Sea no whit assuaged,  
And that the Ship nigh sunk, so sore it raged:  
No news (quoth one) that it to sink begins,  
So laden with the burden of our Sins.  
Let's cast o're-board this Friar, on whom we lay  
Our Sins, and let him bear them hence away.  
His words are liked; he's Jonah's like cast o'er,  
And strait the ship went lighter than before.  
Hence learn how heavy our offences are,  
When that a ship their burden could not bear.    

24. Of one not able Nosed.  

Stood thy Nose in the Sun, thy mouth open quite,  
Thy Teeth would tell what time of day 'tis right.    

25. Of a long Nosed Fellow.  

A witty Wagg invited to a feast,  
Lights of a long Nosed fool could bear no jest;  
who said (good friend) if you'll but open your mouth  
And hold your Nose directly to the South  
Whilst the Sun shines, your Nose may for a Cock  
By your Teeth serve to tell what 'tis a Clock.  
At which the guests began to laugh apace,  
But long Nose was sore vexed at the disgrace;  
That both fell to foul words, from words to blows,  
And all the matter of't was in the Nose.  
To make it short, long Nose was beat at length,  
For th' other proved to have the better strength:  
Quoth he, I've Noses cuffed, broad, stiff, and strong,  
Yet never knew any that held out so long.    

26. Of a Wry-nosed Fellow.  

A straight Youth lighted in the company  
Of one whose Nose extremely stood awry;  
Quoth he, Sir, I would fain know of what stuff  
Your Nose is made (if you'll not take't in snuff.)  
Mine's made (said he) of gristle, flesh, and blood.  
And (till't grew wrong) as right as thine it stood.  
I think (quoth th' other) thine's no waxen Nose,  
Nor is it made of Dowe (as I suppose)  
Yet this I'll boldly say, and justify,  
Say what thou wilt, thy Nose is made a Rye.    

27. Of a foul Gentlewoman.  

A young Man walking after a spruce Lass,  
Who just before him on the way did pass;  
Liked so well of each outward lineament,  
That to salute her, he was fully bend.  
She being o'ertook, her Feature he well eyed,  
And finding it but homely, thus replied:  
Had I liked you as well before, I vow,  
As I liked you behind, I'd kissed ye now.  
The maid thus jeered, returns him back his jest;  
Then you may kiss (quoth she) where you like best.    

28. Of an old Gown.  

A ruffling Roister flaunting up and down,  
Lights of a Lass, with a rich, but old Gown;  
He tenders her his service at her feet,  
With cringes low, and congees neat and meet:  
Pardon my boldness (Mistress) pray in this,  
Your Vestures admired him I prostrate kiss.  
For the antiquity thereof, (quoth she)  
If that, and only that, the reason be:  
With my Posteriors you may make as bold,  
For I am sure that they are full as old.    

29. Of a lusty Lad, and a bonny Lass.  

One met a couple on the high way side,  
Who double on a little Titt did ride;  
Quoth he, sweet Sir, and you fair lovely Lass,  
Whither I pray ye do ye this way pass?  
She him returns this answer courteously,  
Unto a merry Meeting, here, hard by.  
He notes the Horse, which then did puff and blow,  
Quoth he, I muse poor Titt how thou dost go;  
For thou'st a huge great knavish load I find,  
But that thou carriest very light behind.    

30. Of a merry Bachelor.  

A merry Bachelor commonly would call  
Such as unwedded were, Good Fellows all;  
And those for married men that he did know,  
Under the name of Honest Men did go.  
It came to pass He himself did wed a wife,  
Whose scolding made him weary of his life;  
Some friends who heard thereof (perchance) did meet him,  
And by the name of Honest man did greet him.  
Quoth he, as I'm an honest man, that Name  
Doth vex me, yet I'll not deny the same:  
For were I a Good Fellow (tell ye plain)  
I ne'er would be an Honest Man again.    

31. Of a bad Half-Crown.  

One having a suspected Half-Crown piece,  
Showed it his friend, and asked him his advice;  
Who viewed it well on both sides in his hand,  
Quoth he, this horse doth on no hillock stand;  
Nor hath it any fetters that I see,  
Yet I can York it otherwise, said he:  
The Man on horse back (as I note him here)  
Resembles right an honest Cavalier,  
And looks just like the Royal King of Scots;  
But the Horse (I doubt) is troubled with the bots.    

32. Of two stealers of Hay by night.  

A Bargeman in Hay harvest late at night,  
With weary toilsome labour spent outright,  
Creeps in a Cock of Hay quite over head,  
And there fell fast asleep as in a bed.  
Two knaves who used to steal Hay thither came,  
The master and his man (whom I could name)  
Went fair and softly to some Cocks of Hay,  
The man takes that wherein the Bargeman lay;  
And for to bind it hard he was not slack,  
But lifting of't it almost broke his back.  
Quoth he, and swore, It weighs the devil and all,  
I am scarce able with it for to crawl:  
So much the better (fool) his master says;  
For it has in't the more, the more it weighs.  
At last to a Rail hard by, he him betakes,  
And rests him on't, at which the Bargeman wakes.  
Oh! quoth the Bargeman: th' other never stays,  
But (frighted) throws down all, and runs his ways.  
The Bargeman thought for some fault done that day,  
The Devil by night was carrying him away.  
Which was worse feared its hard for to discover,  
For both were sore afraid of one another.    

33. Of a Neck of Muttor.  

One riding on his journey late at night,  
Got to his Inn at length, and there did light;  
He calls for meat: what th'House did then afford,  
Was straightways set before him on the board.  
A little Neck of Mutton there was found,  
With an huge deal of Pottage compassed round:  
He lonoking on't, begins to doff his clothes,  
Unbuttoms him, and off his doublet throws.  
Some that were by, at his strange humours smiled,  
Others thought surely that he was stark wild.  
Quoth he, to swim this Ocean o'er I'll strive,  
Till at the Isle of Mutton I arrive.    

34. Of a Horse-shoe found.  

A Tinker found a Horse-shoe on the way,  
Quoth he, 'tis a sign of good luck to day;  
He ties it on his one side very fast,  
And from thence many paces had not past,  
But one shot off a Piece; the Bullet glanced,  
And hit his Horse shoe right (as then it chanced.)  
I see (said he) Arms may do good, in case  
They're set but where they should, in the right place.    

35. Of a Beardless old man.  

One met a fellow in whose withered face   

Old age had furrowed many a wrinkled year;  
Yet made a Balk on's chin which is the place,   

That Nature doth adorn with bushy hair.  
Small Beard replied, I pray you hold your tongue,  
My Beard will come out shortly ere't be long.    

36. Of Conjugal Discord.  

When Man and Wife between them disagree,  
They fitly unto Snails compared may be,  
One house, at one time, never holds two Snails,  
Nor man and wife, when each with either rails:  
And when these Snail-like, fet but out their horns,  
They to their neighbours make themselves mere scorns.    

37. Of Wars.  

In Music strings of various tunes agree  
To make one sweet melodious harmony,  
Yet men who play upon them with their hand,  
One with another still a jarring stand,  
Which most displeasing every way appears  
To God, and Angels, and all good men's ears:  
For the Devils are the Instruments of jars,  
And the base Viols of God's wrath are wars.    

38. Of one that sent a half Cheese to his Son at Oxford.  

I've sent to you a Moon, not a Sun round,  
No circle such can in our Pole be found.  
('Tis like it was from the Welsh Pool.)    

39 Of divers sorts of bad Cheese.  

Cheese that's snow-white or that hath Argos eyes,  
Methusalem's years, or Mary magdalen's cries:  
Or Esau's hairs, or Lazarus scabs all o'er,  
That Cheese is nought, I love it not therefore.    

40. Of Wine mixed with Water.  

Thetis and Bacchus mixed here in a bowl,  
The Goddess mild the mad God doth control,  
Where though the liquor look pure, clean, and fine  
The Waterish humour is above the Wine;  
The which resembles right some female reaches,  
Who as Viragoes, love to wear the Breeches.    

41. Of a Watch.  

A Gentleman after his wife deceased,  
To marry his Cookmaid his fancy pleased;  
To whom he gave a Watch: it chanced so,  
That what a Clock wast by it she would know.  
But how to handle it she skill did lack,  
And thinking on the going of the Jack,  
And dressing meat, (her former place) quoth she  
TO a Servant, here, Wind up this Jack for me.    

42. Of Suspicion.  

Conceit hath a main stroke in matters most,  
Seem but to hurt, though no hurt's done, thou'rt lost:  
So the Crotonians did Philoleon flay,  
Through false surmise he would the Tyrant play.    

43. Against Astrologers.  

Whilst Astrologians (whom the vulgar error  
Count's Prophets) put th' about thy birth in terror,  
Whilst some Stars fawning, others frowning are,  
Thy wavering mind hangs still 'twixt hope & fear;  
If welfare come, 'twill come, do what Stars will,  
And an unlooked for good, best pleaseth still.  
If ill shall hap, unknown, its best of all,  
And in mean while make use of what doth fall:  
But I do charge thee even in Fate's despite,  
To pass the time with pastime, and delight.    

44. Of Eschines the Poet, who calculated his own Nativity Inevitabile Fatum.  

The Poet Eschines would needs go try,  
To calculate his own Nativity;  
At length by search he found the day and hour,  
When his Birth Planet had prevailing power:  
And too soon to his sorrow did decry,  
That he a strange disastrous death should die.  
And when the time of this his death drew near,  
For to avoid all danger, dread and fear,  
He gets up before break of day, to see  
If that his Fate prevented so might be;  
And sitting bare in open field, remote  
From House or Tree: It chanced an Eagle got  
A Shellfish, which he found upon Seashore,  
He mounts the skies, and with it hovers o'er  
Poor Eschines bald Pate, which for a stone  
The Eagle took, the Shellfish down is thrown;  
Which from on high descended down amain,  
Fell right on's Pate, and clove his scull in twain.    

45. Of Harm watch, harm catch.  

A silly Fly the subtle Spider caught  
In the irretiating Web he wrought;  
The Spider eager on the Fly to prey,  
Is caught, and killed, ere he could get away:  
So, a pit to dig for others some begin,  
And after they themselves do fall therein.  
Hamon a Gallows made for Mordecai,  
Whereon himself was hanged without delay;  
Which to the Proverb fitly giveth place,  
Harm watch harm catch; which comes oft so to pass.    

46. Of a Picture well drawn.  

I've thought oft of thy piece, since I last saw it,  
That any one so to the life could draw it;  
Who looks on it, and then views thee aright,  
(If that he owe not to the Artist spite)  
Will say, no egg to egg can liker be,  
Then that Effigies doth resemble thee.    

47. Another of the same.  

So truly in this Frame, is drawn thy face,  
That it's no Frame now, but a Looking-glass.    

48. Of a Picture ill drawn.  

The Portraiture your Limbner lately drew,  
Is liker unto any one than you.    

49. Of two remarkable Female Murderers.  

King Herod had his Table stained sore,  
So had Flaminius his, with humane gore:  
Like Minions the like Murders did procure,  
The one a Dancer, th' other was a Whore.  
The difference this, the Whore the guilty killed;  
The guiltless blood was by the Dancer spilled.    

50. Of Herod and Herodias.  

Herodias daughter before Herod dancing,  
Where she should have displeased, to please it chancing;  
He drunk what with love of his Concubine,  
And what with height of pride, and heat of wine.  
Ask Maid (he said) I've sworn, ask you of me,  
If half my Kingdom, I will give it thee.  
The lewd Girl by her lustful mother led,  
Quoth she, then give me here John Baptists Head.  
The King is sad, and to consent is loath,  
But needs he must, thereto engaged by Oath.  
O murdering mother, stepdame to thy daughter!  
whom thou trainest up to dance, & men to slaughter  
O faithful King, too faithful thou herein  
Hadst thou been perjured, less had been thy sin.    

51. Against Wives.  

Amongst all mortal Creatures Nature sent,   

Most men cry out, that nothing then these Wives  
Doth them more vex, perplex, and discontent,   

And make them all more weary of their lives.  
Thus each one says (he but says) for he matches,  
And when he's buried six the seventh he chatches.  
It seems then they're bewitching needful evils,  
At best fair Angels, and worst foul Devils.    

●● Another against against the same.  

A Wife is in 〈…〉 ay useful be  
Would she die quickly, and leave all to thee.    

53. Of one that had a bad Wife, past comparison.  

Friend thou'st a bad wife always, if thou beat her,  
She's worse; but worst if you do well entreat her:  
But she'd be good would she die, better lickly,  
Died she thou living; best would she die quickly.    

54. Against men twice married.  

Who having buried one Wife, weds again,  
He swims twice shipwrackt in the Ocean main.    

55. Of a Widowers Resolve.  

I once on seas, now safely got to shore,  
Never mean to venture shipwreck any more.    

56. Against drinking Healths.  

Of drunken healths the more there's in your belly,  
The less health you'll have after I can tell ye;  
A thousand such healths fall unto your share.  
And much good do't ye, I for one health care:  
Its health to drink no health in any kind,  
No true health in a drunken health I find:  
For divers drinking healths have sicker grown,  
So minding others health, quite lost their own.    

57 A good Resolve for Health.  

A reserved Gentleman that late refused  
To drink the King's Health, thus himself excused  
I'll pr●y for th' Health of my dread Sovereign,  
And for mine own, all other Healths refrain.    

58. Another of the same.  

I'll drink to you no Healths, but wish you many;  
A dry Health is the healthiest Health of any.    

59 The dangerous Gradation of a Drunkards Cup.  

1. The first Cup's for necessity indeed,  
2. The second more for pleasure, then for need:  
3. The third for neither, but for mere excess;  
4. The fourth inebriates him with drunkenness.  
5. The fifth makes him a quarrelling to keep;  
6. The sixth doth set the stupid Sot asleep:  
And if he lies and dies in that strange fashion,  
It's to be feared he has drunk his own damnation.    

60. How Roaring first came up in fashion.  

The first that I e'er heard of to this hour,  
That brought up Roaring, was about the Tower,  
By a bonny bouncing, Roaring Megg of note,  
Who'd a bold brazen face, and monstrous throat:  
For twenty Barrels could not overcharge  
Her huge vast pregnant belly, 'twas so large;  
And when she was discharged, she then did roar,  
You might have heard her thirty miles and more.  
The drowsy Lions hearing this, awaked,  
And roused, they roared, until the Tower shaked:  
The Bears at Paris-Garden hearing plain  
The Lions roar, they likewise roared amain.  
At the Bears roaring (as it doth appear)  
The Organist at th' Globe could not forbear  
With his melodious deepmouthed noise, from bawling;  
Nor could be kept the Children from squaling:  
So that e'er since that din, and hideous noise,  
There's every where a Rout of Roaring Boys;  
And when these meet, they'll have their guns about them,  
And reason good, they cannot roar without them.  
And if they drink not Healths t' our Charlemagne,  
Let them never meet, nor drink, nor roar again.    

61. A Jeer on a Servant.  

One took some Flies out of a Cup, and when  
He himself had drunk, he put them in again:  
My reason is (quoth he) to tell thee true,  
I love not Flies, but may be some here do.    

62. A good decorum to be observed in drinking of Sack.  

In drinking Sack you may observe this gage,  
Look on it, when you're twenty years of age.  
At thirty smell it, but thereat not stay;  
At forty, taste a sip, and so away.  
At fifty, drink it, but excess refrain:  
But when you are sixty, pour it down amain;  
For jovial Sack with heat doth Youth enrage,  
And it revives cold blood, in dull old Age.    

63. Of Bibulus, an incurable Drunkard.  

The Doctor blear-eyed Bibulus did advise  
To forbear Wine, lest that he lost his eyes:  
His Doctor he (with much ado) obeys,  
And wholly Wine forbears for certain days.  
But after thirsting when the Wine he minds,  
Gets out, and true the Doctor's words now finds:  
And coming to the Wine, thus to his Eyes  
(Even almost lost for want thereof) he cries,  
Now ye my trusty Eyes that brought me hither,  
Drink and adieu, both my sweet guides together.  
His taste and smell are gone, the colour quite  
Of Wine begins to fail, so doth his sight:  
Yet for this loss, it somewhat eased his mind,  
That he'd not left one drop of it behind.    

64. Of the Signs of Bacchus and Venus.  

Why hath not lovely Venus her fair Sign,  
As well as drunken Bacchus' God of Wine;  
Since she as commonly is set to sale,  
In Town and Country, as Wine, Beer, or Ale.   

Answer.  

But who knows in what mode she should be dressed,  
To please so many various fancies best.  
She in Apollo's Temple (as 'tis said)  
Just at the entering in was thus portrayed;  
On th' one side looking smiling, cheerful, glad,  
On th' other melancholy, dull, and sad:  
In which strange draught was showed a world of wit,  
For first and last her humours right did fit.   

Some drew her rich attired, young, fresh and fair,  
With smiling countenance, and curled hair;  
And two Doves by her both together billing,  
Which shows to kiss and clip she's ever willing.   

Some like her lively naked drawn, like Truth,  
A form best liking lustful-wanton youth:  
But of all others that form should be slighted,  
Because in Lying she's so much delighted;  
For of her sex of old it hath been said,  
Believe no Woman, no not when she's dead.   

Some think her drawn with naked breasts doth fit her  
Whilst Cupid aims with bow and shaft to hit her:  
And of this Pourtraicture a many like,  
For she will stand, if any one will strike.   

And some will have her drawn half in, half out,  
Within a River, tickling of a Trout:  
For they alike (as Fishermen can tell ye)  
Love to be groped, and tickled 'bout the belly.   

The Courtier likes her drawn in her black beaver,  
With her neat Ostrige-Plume, and ●anting feather;  
In her silk Gown, or satin, richly deight,  
With her fine linens starched, pure clean & white;  
And with light corks under her heels, which show  
She's light from head to heel, from top to toe.   

The Country Clown would have her drawn, and put,  
Sitting astride, like Bacchus on a Butt;  
Crying aloud, her ware for to discover,  
Spigots and Faucets, one within another:  
Showing to all, that to her will approach,  
She has a Butt ready for to set a broach.   

The Inn-holder would have her naked stand,  
Holding of an Hay-bottle in her hand:  
And most like wondrous well of this conceit,  
For't shows she's both for horse & man good meat.   

Yet some do hold it were not much amiss,  
To mode her in the form that Fortune is:  
For they are very like in each degree,  
As th' one is blind, so th' other cannot see.  
As th' one is ever wavering like the wind:  
So th' other most inconstant all do find.  
As th' one assists all such as boldly venture:  
So th' other helps such as a Sconce dare enter  
In the low Countries. So both jump in this,  
That no faint heart did e'er fair Lady kiss.  
As th' one no idle persons can abide:  
So th' other none who be not well occupied.   

Take of these dress which ye think the neatest,  
Yet she can paint herself the most compleatest.     

65. Of a Girl who feigned a Rape.  

A Youth (by chance) alone espied a Lass,  
Thinking the place fit for his purpose was;  
He hugs her to him forcibly with kisses,  
Aiming lasciviously at further blisses.  
She struggles with him, and most angrily,  
Pressed the strict Law, that Ravishers should die.  
Yet he persists, pricked on with lustful heat,  
By fair entreats to gain her, or by threat:  
She won by fair means, nor by foul; apace  
Cries out, kicks, bites, and scrats him by the face.  
The Youth with wrath enraged, as much as lust,  
(Quoth he) and wilt thou be a Bedlam just:  
Now by this Sword (and drewed out thereupon)  
Lie fair, and hold thy peace, (or I'll begun)  
She strait yields, of that sad word sore afraid;  
Then do, yet still I'm done perforce, she said.    

66. Of Mars and Venus.  

Stout warlike Mars doth wear a waving feather,  
So doth fair lovely Venus altogether;  
It's like light Venus her light feather wears,  
In token of the love to Mars she bears:  
So a large feather is by Vulcan born,  
But it's but a Bull-feather, that's a horn.    

67. Of a Cuckold.  

When that the wife doth wrong her wedlock bed,  
Why wears the man the horns? 'cause he's the head    

68 Of Hector dying.  

Cast me out dead (ye Grecians) any where,  
For Hares the corpse of a dead Lion fear.    

69. Of Zisca dying.  

Brave Zisca a Bohemian Captain stout,  
Did terrify his foes all round about:  
Yet Death whom none besides could foil in field,  
At last made this undaunted Champion yield.  
But note his brave Resolve; even at his death,  
For when that He must needs resign his breath,  
He charged his Soldiers that He would be flayed,  
His Skin dressed, and thereof a Drums-head made;  
That an Alarm he might be ever giving  
To's foes, when he was dead, as when was living.    

70. Of a Dwarf.  

Thou Pygmy, lest some Crane catch thee away  
In midst of th' Town, its best for thee to stay.    

71. Another of the same.  

Poor Perpusil t' avoid all mortal strife,  
In a small Spinner's Cobweb ends his life.    

72. Of Mizaldus.  

Mizaldus was so light (as stories say)  
That he with every wind was born away:  
And to prevent his falling in the street,  
He still wore leaden soles under his feet.    

73. Of a foul Dowdy.  

Nigra, who saith thou'rt brown doth judgement lack;  
No, no, thou art not brown, for thou'rt coal black:  
Cole black, said I; no, thou'rt as black as ink,  
For thou'lt in each brown paper heart soon sink.  
As ink, said I; no, thy smooth jet complexion,  
If touched, attracts the straw of each affection.  
As jet, said I; no, thou'rt as black as pitch,  
Who fingers thee, cannot his hands thence twitch.  
Thou passest all (I speak it for no evil)  
For thou'rt (indeed) as black as is the Devil.    

74. Another.  

Nan's like a Swan, both without and within;  
Her Clothes milk-white, and Cole black is her skin.    

75. Of a most exquisite lovely Lady.  

Sweet lovely Lady, fairer far than Flora,  
Purer than th' Air, and fresher than Aurora;  
Neater than Maia, and then Cynthia brighter,  
Thy skin more soft than down of Swan, & whiter;  
The curled purled trammels of thy hair,  
Are then Arachne's twine, more small, more fair:  
Thy mild & serene front, and smooth-slike brow,  
Like pure white polished Ivory doth show.  
Corruscant beams dart from thy piercing eyes,  
Thy blue veins clearer than the azure skies;  
The commixed colours of thy cheeks encloses  
The ceruse lilies, and vermilion roses.  
Thy coral lips to kisses sweet entices;  
Thy breath more fragrant the th' Arabian spices.  
Thy Paps like snowy hillocks do appear,  
In midst thy nipples like two rubies clear.  
The air proceeding from thy quavering tongue,  
Is like th' harmonious Sirens chanting song.  
Thy hands milk white, thy fingers long and slender,  
Thy nails thereon like pearls, pure, neat & tender.  
Thou canst indigitate all Instruments  
Of various sorts, to curious sweet contents.  
Thou with a fluent tongue can discourse neatly,  
Canst coniey, cringe and compliment completely.  
Thy feet to music neatly thou advancest,  
By fine alternal motions when thou dancest.  
In fine, thou'rt an accomplished Lady right,  
In absolute Perfection of delight.  
Happy those lips who've favour but to kiss thee,  
The Earth's glad t' enjoy thee, and heavens sad to miss thee.  
And if he happy be, whom thou but kissest,  
Then he's most blessed whom in bed thou blissest.    

76. Of the City of London.  

London, that chief Metropolis of State,  
In th' County of Middlesex is situate;  
And such as are of Middlesex are neither  
Right male, or female, but are both together:  
No marvel then, if they in that late brawl  
Were Newters, right Hermophraditical.    

77. Of a Wedding Ring.  

It was a custom in the times of old,  
The Groom to give his Bride a Ring of gold.  
I hold it fitter that the Bride should bring hers,  
And put it on the longest of the Groom's fingers.    

78. Of the same. The Bride.  

I have a Ring that's right, then do not linger,  
On trial t' will best fit your longest finger.    

79. Of one who married three Wives, and never a good one.  

Thy two wives dead, thou didst the third wife marry,  
Yet none of all the three but did miscarry:  
Wherefore thou dost not only at them chide,  
But condemned the whole Female Sex beside.  
Yet wouldst thou but this matter weigh aright,  
Thou towards them wouldst mitigate thy spite:  
For seeing they were all three alike inclined,  
even from thy birth, thy Fates thou them assigned.  
If then thy birth hath destined thou shalt be  
A Cuckold, how should thy wife hinder thee.  
T'another she'd been chaste, that with thee's naught  
So on thy Fates she rightly lays the fault.    

80. Of a very light one.  

Wert thou as swift of foot, as light in mind,  
An Hare in open field thou'dst turn and wind.    

81. Of lavish Largus.  

Largus sold lately all his Lands away,  
And on a sudden fell into decay;  
He was ingenious, and industrious too,  
But when that Fortune frowns, all will not do.  
For he changed clods of clay main cunningly,  
For good red gold, yet does not thrive thereby.    

82. Of ones Portraiture tightly drawn.  

Festus is mute, his Picture meditates,  
It hits him right, he right it imitates.    

83. Of Homer's Iliads.  

When that blind Homer wrote about the jars,  
Caused by the Grecian, and the Trojan Wars;  
He may b'excused if lies he then did frame,  
For he was no eye-witness of the same.    

84. Of Socrates, and his wife Xanthippe.  

Grave Socrates, whom former learned Ages  
Voted the wisest of the seven Sages,  
Had to his wife a most notorious scold,  
Xanthippe named, (as Histories have told.)  
This Socrates invited to a feast,  
Some of his friends, to Dainties of the best:  
But they were somewhat long at Disputation,  
As was th' Athenian Academic fashion.  
At last he brings them, whom he did invite,  
In part some former kindness to requite;  
And bids them welcome, wishes them sit down;  
But she at him doth rail, on them doth frown.  
Thou great Foolofficer, what, must I stay  
For thee, and thy Foolofficers, all day:  
'Twere a good deed, for that which ye do call  
Conspute, to make ye kiss the Hare's foot all.  
Pray look here. All the meat baked, roast, & boiled,  
By your long staying at Conspute is spoiled.  
But he to answer her did not desire,  
Knowing 'twould add but fuel to the fire:  
They fall too, and whilst she doth scold and curse,  
Their meat they season with most sweet discourse.  
But she for sullenness would neither eat,  
Nor bid them welcome, whilst they were at meat.  
So dinner being ended, he and they  
Each other resalute, and go their way:  
Which she observing, ran up stairs apace,  
And searching here and there in every place,  
Lights of a Pisspot underneath a bed,  
And threw it fully on her Husband's head.  
'Tis brave (quoth he) by Jove I looked for this,  
Nor had I cared for't had it not been piss:  
For after fearful thundering we see lickly  
A mighty shower of rain doth pour down quickly.    

85 Of two hot Fellows, at a cold Custard.  

A company of Country Bumkins takes  
Each one his Sweetheart to the merry Wakes;  
Where they had curds and cream before them set,  
Fritters and Tansies, good as e'er was eat;  
And curious Cakes which had of fruit great store,  
Choice Sillabubs with Sugar hilled all o'er;  
And many other Cates exceeding dainty,  
Whereof the Country can afford great plenty:  
Amongst all which a Custard they had got,  
Which looked but cold, yet was it monstrous hot.  
One clapped a spoonful in his mouth, there turned it  
Oft up and down, but it so extremely burnt it,  
That with the heat thereof it caused apace,  
The very tears to trickle down his face.  
Which one of's fellows noting, asked him why  
He that so late did laugh, so loon did cry.  
I weep (quoth he) to think that the last meat,  
A friend of mine (going to be hanged) did eat,  
Was a cold Custard. Pish, and is that all,  
The other said, Come, Sirs, let's to it fall;  
So scoups a spoonful, which burned him so sore,  
He cried as fast as th' other did before.  
A mischief on't (quoth he) I'm burnt extreme,  
With that accursed Custard, and scald Cream;  
But I'm most vexed (since thou didst belie him)  
That when thy friend was hanged, thou'st not hanged by him.    

86. Of two Tallow Chandler's.  

Two neighbour Chandler's at an Alehouse met,  
And having Pots and Pipes before them set;  
Amongst a deal of speech that then they had,  
At last they fell in talk about their Trade.  
Quoth one of them, I've Candles burn so pure,  
Light one 'tshall a long winter's night endure;  
And they for colours are so curious rare,  
That with the Rainbow, they may well compare.  
Pish, quoth the other, who e'er notes but mine,  
Will say, they purely without sparling shine;  
No wasteful thief doth keep them company,  
Nor can he find the least mote in their eye;  
But chiefly he that heeds what light mine cast,  
And for what long continuance they do last;  
Will say, my worst surmounts your best as far,  
As doth the Moon an ordinary Star.  
For light but one on Monday, fix it fast,  
It burning still to the weeks end shall last;  
And though you think this like a Lie doth sound,  
Yet I will prove it true, I'll lay ten pound.    

87. Of a Black Smith.  

A merry fellow came to a Smith's shop,  
And wished him (than main close at work) to stop.  
I will not stop (quoth he) I tell thee plain,  
Not for the great Mogoll, nor King of Spain.  
Quoth th' other, if thou knewest as much as I,  
Thou wouldst leave off thy work immediately.  
There's one now with thy Wife subagitating,  
What then (quoth he) I pray thee hold thy-prating;  
I'll have my heat out, let them too't and spare not,  
If all such whores & rogues were hanged I care not    

88 Of four sorts of our gracious King Charles the Seconds Friends.  

There are four sorts of our Kings seeming Friends,  
And all for their own by-sinister ends.  
1. The first, because he cannot drink refrain,  
Doth drink Healths often to his Sovereign.  
2. The next addicted much to ban and swear,  
Would thereby thought to be a Cavalier.  
3. The third sort for their King bears Arms about them,  
A good cause why: they cannot live without them.  
4. The fourth, under pretences specious fair,  
Is late turned for their King to fall to prayer.  
Yet though these all do thus, drink, swear, fight, pray.  
They're not right for our King, I'll boldly say.    

89. Of Fucus.  

Fucus by long use, having cunning gained,  
Two Steeds on purpose, of two natures trained:  
For th' one, a Fowl for swiftness could surpass,  
And th' other was more slow than any Ass.  
He sends to wars the one, that was so slack,  
ere sound of Trumpet th' other brings him back.  
There's many such have horses slow, and swift,  
For their own special ends, at a dead lift.    

90. Of the Fox sore sick, and the Lion.  

Whilst that the Fox lay sick within his hole,  
A loving Lion came for to condole  
His woeful case, for so it did appear,  
He was in a foul case that stunk for fear.  
The Lion said, I pray thee Fox be sweet,  
For scenting thou wast sick, I came to greet  
And make thee whole, which I shall do e'er long,  
If I do once but lick thee with my tongue.   

Dread Sovereign, I'm not worthy to be licked  
But from your Grace's favour to be kicked;  
For Sequestrator-like, in Town and City,  
I've plundered all their Poultry without pity:  
There's not a Turkey, Goose, Cock, Hen, nor Duck,  
But from them sometime I a plume did pluck;  
For which this sickness fell upon me sure,  
An Epidemic Curse who can endure.  
With a quotidian Fever I am troubled,  
And since-your Grace came here my pain is doubled:  
Your sight did fright me quite out of my wits,  
And put me in these quaking, shaking fits.  
If that thy fits come thick, I'll not deceive thee,  
It's a sure sign that they'll the sooner leave thee:  
Then let me tell thee once more, I'll assure thee,  
If that my tongue but lick thee, it will cure thee.  
O let this fit (good Doctor) first be passed!  
And your Receipt (if needs) I'll take at last.  
For with your harmless tongue I find no fault,  
But doubt some neighbours near it, for they're naught    

91. Of coy Phillis.  

Kiss me thrice Phillis, if you will not thrice,  
Kiss me as oft as you have lips, that's twice:  
You'll give, and take one only kiss, not twain;  
Take your own Back, or give me mine again.  
Well, well, nice Phillis, seeing you'll not pollute  
Your pure lips with profane, I'll cease my suit.  
Yet though you're coy to kiss in open view,  
In private you will kiss, and smuggle too.    

92. Of two Brothers, the one careful, the other careless.  

There was a widow had two sons, the one  
A painful Bee, the other a dull drone;  
For th' one was used to rise at break of day,  
The other, long time every morning lay.  
It fortuned that the earlier riser found  
A purse, whilst he was walking o'er their ground.  
He brought it home, and gave it to his mother,  
Who went and showed it to his sluggish brother.  
Look here (quoth she) what good luck hath bestead  
Thy brother, whilst thou'rt lurking in thy bed.  
He being by his mother thus upbray'd,  
Laughed thereat heartily, and to her said;  
Who ever lost it, wishes out of doubt,  
That he had kept his bed, and not gone out.    

93. Of two Maidservants falling out at a Couduit.  

Two Servants at a Conduit fell out sore,  
And called each other arrant quean and whore.  
At last from words they fell to kicks and spurns,  
To bite and scratch, and all about their turns:  
Robin the Devil (for some so him called)  
And Bate, both neighbours, whilst they fought and brawled,  
Stood looking on, and thought it pretty sport,  
To see them fight in such unseemly sort.  
One wished that Bate would part them. No, quoth he  
Now let the Devil part them both for me.    

94. Of two Nightwalkers.  

Two Pot-companions walking late at night,  
Th'one well to live, but th' other foxed outright:  
It chanced that both turned to a Conduit side,  
From whence the water dribbling still did glide:  
Quoth he that first had done (my loving friend)  
Come let's be gone, I pray thee make an end.  
(He that was foxed, of th'Pipes dropping never wist,  
Thinking (whilst it so dropped) he had still pissed)  
I, when God's Pleasure is, (to th' other said)  
I have not ended yet, and there still stayed.  
The sober said, come now or I'll begun.  
ay, when God's pleasure is, I'll come anon.  
Why then farewell: and there he left to stay,  
(ay, when God's pleasure is) till break of day.    

95 Of a large Promiser, and slow Performer.  

Some Mariners by Aeolus wind's commotion,  
In danger great of Shipwreck on the Ocean,  
Did invocate their most affected Saints,  
And to them made their prayers and complaints.  
Among the rest, one on this said occasion,  
Did make a solemn vow, and protestation,  
That he would offer to the Virgin Mary,  
(If she to Land him safe and sound would carry)  
A fair Wax-Candle full as big, and vast  
In length and thickness, as the ship's mainmast.  
One hearing him thus vow, thereat did storm,  
And swore 'twas more than e'er he could perform.  
Peace fool (quoth he) if I come safe to ground,  
I'll make her glad of one of nine I'th' pound.    

96. Another of the same.  

The mountains travelled as they'd burst in sunder,  
At last comes forth a mouse; was't not a wonder,   

So the Ocean main did travel long, at last  
A silly shrimp upon the shore was cast.    

97. Of the uncertainty of Life.  

If thou knewest certain that thou shouldst not live  
To a week's end, thou wouldst weep, wail, & grieve:  
Yet being uncertain for to live a day,  
Yea not an hour, how canst thou sport and play.    

98. Another.  

I not condole the dead, but those who'd living,  
To whom the fear of death, gives cause of grieveing.    

99 Of two Beggars, the one blind, the other lame.  

The Fates to two poor wretches showed great spite  
This they deprived of feet, and that of sight;  
These both well matched, the blind the lame sustains,  
So both their grievance ease with mutual pains.  
This where he would, with th' others eyes goes to,  
That what he would, with th'others feet doth view    

100 Of the same otherwise.  

There's nothing better than a faithful friend,  
Who may thee comfort, in thy losses lend:  
The blind and lame, both Beggars, do agree,  
And enters in firm league of Amity,  
To help each others frail infirmities,  
The one with lame feet, and th' other with blind eyes.  
The blind man bears the lame man's legs on's back,  
The lame man's eyes the blind man doth not lack.  
Weak force united helps much now and than,  
These two imperfect, make one perfect man.  
True love in great Kings Courts but seldom stays,  
When in poor simple Cottages it sways.    

101. Of a Blind and Lame man that found an Oyster on the Highway.  

A blind man bearing a lame man abroad,  
It chanced they found an Oyster on the road:  
That one should have it, neither would agree,  
Nor yet to part it, would well pleased be.  
The blind man said, 'twas found by help of's feet,  
Not so, the lame alleged, but by his sight.  
So arguing a long time each with either,  
At last they thus concluded both together;  
That the next person which on that way came,  
Should wholly arbitrate and end the same.  
And as things ofttimes strangely come to pass,  
So th' next which that way came, a Lawyer was.  
They open to him the Case, and tells him, He,  
To end that strife, the only man must be.  
He opes the Oyster, eats it up, and calls  
Them wrangling fools, and them returns the shells.  
Such subtle sleights by Lawyers oft are cast  
On Clients, who have nought but shells at last.  
You shall have Costs and Charges they'll pretend,  
When as you'll find but mere shells in the end.    

102. Of a Bedlam.  

A Bedlam with a huge horn at his side,  
Did beg drink for himself, and Bess his bride.  
Th' Host gave him drink, & asked how long he had  
A wife, (quoth Tom) e'er since I first was mad;  
Th' Host asked him then how long the Horn he carried,  
Quoth Tom I think e'er since I first was married:  
But did thy madness from those thoughts proceed?  
Quoth Tom they did, Sir, Sir they did indeed:  
And did but others know the Horns they had,  
They would as I, be Bedlam-like horn-mad.    

103. Of one who lay all night on the ground.  

One who had lain all night on the hard ground,  
Rising, under his back a feather found;  
He makes most sad complaints, and heavy moans,  
And cries out, O my sides, my back, my bones:  
I wonder how such can sleep quietly,  
Who on whole beds of feathers use to lie;  
For I who had but one under my back,  
All night no ease, nor any rest could take.    

104. Of the Fox and the Wolf.  

A Fox got out before the break of day,  
And questing up and down to find his prey,  
Lites on a deep Well in a Country Town,  
Which had two buckets that went up and down;  
The Fox expecting somewhat there to find,  
Leapt in the one, which soon him down did wind:  
But finding nought, was there with grief confounded,  
Being hungry, cold, and wet, and well nigh drowned.  
The Wolf more eager than the Fox of prey,  
Hies hot-foot after him without delay;  
And coming to the Well, casts down his eyes,  
Where the Fox fishing for some frogs he spies;  
Reynold, what dost thou there. (Quoth he) offish,  
I've here great store, as good as heart can wish.  
Sayest so, sweet Cuss; but how shall I get thither,  
Leap in that bucket, and thou'lt soon come hither.  
See leaps into't, the wheel turns round amain,  
Which brings him down, and Reynold up again.  
As soon as he was there he did begin  
To tread for Eels, but could not find a fin.  
Ah! I see Reynold, I am now betrayed,  
There's no truth in the words that thou hast said.   

And now I call to mind the horrid crimes,  
And bloody deeds, I've done at several times;  
The fawns, foals, calves, pigs, kids & harmless lamb  
The Rams and Ewes, their tender sires and dams,  
Which I have murdered without all remorse,  
But now for all, with me they'll take a course.  
All these do wound and gall my guilty soul,  
Which I alas, do here too late condole:  
Nay, I've done worse than these an hundred fold,  
But now they'll plague me for the new and old.  
I sure enough (quoth Fox) thy woeful case  
I do lament, being lately in thy place.  
Then after me there's none made inquisition,  
There sink or swim, none pitied my condition,  
But only thee (Cuss Wolf) my faithful friend,  
For whom I'm bound to pray till my lives end.  
Ah me! (quoth th'Wolf) what shall I do, for I  
With cold and hunger here am sure to die,  
Unless some draw me up, and then they'll bang me  
Most cruelly, if that they do not hang me.  
Cuss Wolf, I see some coming; now adieu,  
I must be gone for fear they'll hang me too.   

This the world's course in Country & in Town,  
One's rising up, and others falling down:  
And so the quondam case just like appears,  
Between the Rounheads and the Cavaliers.    

105. Of one staying over long for Water.  

A Servant stayed too long at fetching water,  
Her Dame main hot, and angry at the matter,  
Said (out of doubt) she's gone for it to Hell,  
And there for ever she does mean to dwell.  
One standing by, and hearing her say so;  
Said, of all places, thither she'd not go,  
Unless the Devil were in her limmally,  
Because that Well's main deep, and deadly dry;  
For when for water Dives there did long,  
He could not get one drop to cool his tongue.    

106. Of Rotundo.  

Rotundo in the woods hid certain Chests,  
Paused, and at tokens of the place he gests;  
As soon as on a tree he spied a Rook,  
Hanged there (quoth he) I need no further look;  
But store of marks deceived him coming back,  
For not a tree his tokens than did lack.    

107. Of Sim Simpleton.  

Sim wedding of a wife, thought sure to light  
Of the straight way that led to Heaven right;  
But at the entering he (too late) could tell,  
He was in the broad way that led to hell:  
For he the gate found open, large, and wide,  
And elbow-room enough on either side:  
Sym liked the way, for proving smooth and easy,  
Should seem the simple Sot loved to be lazy.    

108. Of Cardinal Bellarmine. Bellarminus; quasi, Bella, arma, minae.  

Who but the name of Bellarmine conceits,  
Will find it intimates, Wars, Arms, and threats:  
And so resembles right the Roman Church,  
Who for Wars, Arms and Threat still lies in lurch.  
Instead whereof (their great Goliath stout)  
And his huge host of Philistines to rout,  
Like david's (pleasing to God's eyes and ears)  
Let our meek Church's Arms be Prayers and tears.    

109. Of one Swan a Tailor.  

One Swan had Pressing Irons great and small,  
Which Geese all Tailors commonly do call.  
His Geese on Silks and Satins grazed so fast,  
They left but a small remnant at the last.  
Though's Goose were like unto another man's,  
Yet I can prove that all his Geese were Swans.    

110. Of Oliver the Great, and Mr. Peter's the Apostate.  

That proud usurping Oliver the great,  
Who once sat Phaeton-like in Phoebus' seat;  
Took coach on purpose for his recreation,  
Attended on with great solemnisation.  
Peter's being one of that perfidious train,  
It chanced an unexpected shower of rain  
Fell suddenly, which wet them grievous sore,  
Great Oliver his Coach-boot looking o'er,  
Called Peter, and did wish him take his Coat,  
(Which was a mighty favour you may note)  
But he his proffer wittily refused,  
And humbly prayed, therein to be excused;  
Saying, I would not my Lord (though I'm nigh drowned)  
Be in your Coat, Sir, for a thousand pound.  
Which he seared; for the times straightway altered,  
Peter with others, was hanged, drawn, & quartered.    

111. Of three Oxford Scholars, and an ancient Gentleman.  

Three Oxford Scholars to a Tavern came,  
A while for to make merry at the same;  
And finding there one stricken far in years,  
Did set upon him all with flouts and jeers.  
The first man said, that to salute him came,  
God save ye good old Father Abraham;  
The second with a pretty conjey meets him,  
And with God save ye Father Isaac, greets him;  
The third to jeer him in the selfsame guise,  
God save ye good old Father Jacob, cries.  
Th'old man thus flouted by them altogether,  
Says, I'm not Abraham, Isaac, Jacob neither,  
Wherefore forbear your flouts I you do wish,  
For I indeed am Saul the Son of Kish,  
Who for to seek my Father's Affes came  
From far, and here have found three of the same.    

112. Of two Lovers, and their Sweetheart.  

Two Younkards chanced to get a pretty Wench  
Between them at a private Alehouse Bench,  
And that because they could not have her both,  
And for to part with her were very loath;  
They to fall out about her did begin,  
Because that neither with her could fall in;  
So that at last they fell from words to blows,  
And out one of them in a fury goes,  
Saying to th'other, if thou dar'st come here  
I vow I'll give thee a good box on th'ear.  
But he that was within said, tell thee true  
I'll not come out if thou wouldst give me two.    

113. Of a new born Babe dying.  

I died as soon as in the world I came,  
Deprived of Baptism and without a Name;  
In Book of life then nameless me record,  
For my hope's only in thy Name (O lord)    

114. Another of the same.  

When I was born, I had a full intent  
To stay a while, but noting how all went  
In these sad times, the clean contrary way,  
With very grief I could no longer stay.    

115. Of an old Woman.  

A poor old woman went to gather sticks,  
T' a wood hard by, and there a burden picks:  
And thinking on the aches, griefs, and pains,  
The cold and hunger daily she sustains;  
The losses, crosses, troubles she is sure,  
(Though that her time be short) for to endure.  
She wished for Death, and for him (oft) did call,  
That he would come, and free her from them all.  
Death as a ghost new risen from the grave,  
Comes to her strait, & asked her what she'd have  
She at his apparition quakes and trembles,  
Yet cunningly at present thus dissembles.  
Nothing Death now: thine help I only lack,  
For to heave up these Sticks upon my back.    

116. Of snuffing a Lantern light.  

A very wag went in a winter night,  
From a hanged Lantern for to steal the light;  
And reaching to't, a servant tardy caught him,  
And two or three good handsome cuffs than gave him.  
Quoth he, why dost thou me so harshly handle,  
For I meant only for to snuff the candle.    

117. Of a Parisite.  

Gnatho a feigning fawning Parasite,  
In Soothing and sly smoothing takes delight,  
The sugared words his glav'ring tongue doth utter,  
Are smooth as oil, and soft as any butter.  
When he plays with his fawning Spaniel Quail,  
The Dog never ceaseth wagging of his tail;  
Seeing he and's Dog are so like each to either,  
Put his Tongue and his Dog's Tail both together.    

118. Of a short Cloak.  

One with an old acquaintance of his met,  
Who'd on a Suit he of some friend did get:  
Said he, pray tell me how dost like my clothes.  
Exceeding well (quoth he) as these times goes.  
They're handsome, fit, and all do well consort,  
Excepting only that thy Cloak's too short.  
Pish, if that that be all, that fault I'll smother,  
For 'twill be long enough ere I've another.    

119. Of Bullion Pawn.  

A Tenant owed his greedy Landlord Rent,  
And wanting ready coin to give content,  
Was glad to speak him fair, and for to pray him,  
To accept of Bullin pawn, till he could pay him.  
The peevish Landlord sleights his Tenants proffer,  
And angrily to go away did offer:  
What shall I do with Bull in pawn (he said,)  
Thou knowest I keep no Kine, I will be paid.    

120. Of a brown Bull.  

There was a rustic cunning Country Clown  
Turned a Bull black which was by nature brown,  
Drove him unto a Fair, there fully sold him,  
And (as the common custom is) there tolled him.  
And that he might in nothing seem to lack,  
Was entered plainly, A Bull coloured black.  
The Buyer drove him home, and sets to grass,  
But a while after (so it came to pass)  
Whilst he lay out, there fell a deal of rain,  
Which brought the Bull to his own hue again.  
At which the owner stormed, cursed, band & swore,  
Was never so cheated in his life before.  
Sends for the Seller, who soon to him came;  
The Buyer told him, he was much to blame,  
To serve him so, and threatened hard to sue him,  
Lest he'd restore his moneys back unto him.  
Do your worst, said he, for I care not a straw,  
You never shall get a pin of me by law.  
The say Caveat Emptor, which (in deed)  
Adviseth well the Buyer to take heed.    

121. Of a Thief condemned to die.  

There was a Thief condemned for to die,  
And when his Execution time drew nigh,  
A many came to comfort this transgressor,  
Amongst the rest a Monk was his Confessor;  
Who wished him not fear Death, which ends all strife,  
And is the passage to a better life.  
HE absolved him of his sins all, on condition  
He's sorry for them with sincere Contrition:  
And as his sins were surely so forgiven.  
So he that night should sup with Christ in Heaven.  
Though (quoth the thief) I've fasted all day space,  
Yet you shalt supped (if't please you) in my place.    

122. Of another at point of death.  

One on the ladder very nigh his death,  
Within a minute like to lose his breath;  
At's turning off (said) now have at that Daisy.  
Nay short a foot (quoth th'hangman) if it please ye    

123. Of another ready to die.  

A Thief being led to th' Execution place,  
Said unto those that thither ran apace;  
What need ye make such haste (thus all and some)  
For there will be no sport until I come.    

124. Of a Welsh man, and an English man, who were hanged together.  

An English and a Welsh man were to die,  
Who fell out in the prison constantly;  
The English was condemned first, (you may gather  
In that he first ascended up the ladder:  
He thereon leaning makes a long narration  
Of his ungodly life and conversation:  
And now (quoth he) I've nothing more to say,  
But wish ye all good people for me pray;  
Yet one thing troubles me: what's that one cries?  
He (pointing at the Welshman) thus replies;  
This to my troubled conscience is a clog,  
To think that I must hang by that Welsh Dog:  
Welch dog (quoth Daffe) thou English Jobbernole  
Spite of her nose, I'll hang by'er theek by shoal.    

125. Of a loving Wife.  

A man and's wife could never well agree,  
The cause whereof arose from jealousy;  
The man his whorish wife had ofttimes banged,  
For which she often wished to see him hanged:  
It so fell out, that for some Robbery  
He was clapped up, arraigned, and judged to die;  
She went with others to his Execution,  
And one that knew her and her constitution,  
Said to'r, you go to take leave of your friend,  
Indeed (quoth she) I go to the same end;  
For I oft vowed, and now I'll not deceive him,  
That I would see him hanged before I'd leave him.    

126. Of a thirsty Thief.  

A Thief main thirsty going towards the Gallows,  
Called for a Gun of Ale at a by-Alehouse;  
One brings it him, and fills him a full cup,  
Which he receives, and straightways drinks it up;  
Then drinks again, and offers for to pay,  
Change Tapster quickly, for I cannot stay:  
The Tapster wishes him to drink again,  
He sighed as if his heart would burst in twain;  
Ah me! the Proverb now I call to mind,  
I shall be hanged, I've left my drink behind.    

127. Of a Welshman burned in the hand.  

A Welshman in the hand burned grievous sore,  
Did at his burning neither cry nor roar;  
The Judge suspected 'cause he did not cry,  
That he was used therein too fav'rably:  
And charged the Jailor, burn him till he feels,  
Or surely I will clap thee by the heels:  
See here (quoth Hugh) why does her so command,  
What would her make glass-windows in her hand.    

128. Of a Cutpurse.  

A Cutpurse going from the Goal to die,  
A number that went with him then, did cry,  
That he with more of that accursed crew,  
Deserved that death long since, had they their due.  
A Glover who had lately lost his Purse,  
Did at him most extremely ban and curse;  
And cried, thou Cutpurse Rogue, I do abhor thee,  
hang's a death too good and easy for thee.  
Why (quoth the Cutpurse) Glover what's the matter,  
That thou against me such vile words dost scatter;  
If that thou envy mine unhappy case,  
Come now with all my heart, and take my place.  
One of a Trade should not be an ill-wisher,  
Nor should an Herring-man despise a Fisher.  
I did it but to keep my hand in ure,  
Thou mak'st a common trade of't I am sure.  
For thou hast cut more Purses in one day,  
Then I in all my life, I'll boldly say.    

129. Of a long strong Thief.  

A Welsh man hearing one in deep discourse,  
How every Age grew daily worse and worse;  
As that Men by the common course of Nature,  
In Wit are weaker, and are less in Stature:  
And now mere Fools compared to ancient Sages,  
Pigmies to Giants of those former Ages:  
Which shows that all things sublunary tend,  
T' a final dissolution, and an end.  
Has her said all (quoth Shone) pray hear her than,  
Her knew a Comro, her none Countryman,  
That was kin to her, for was her none Cousin,  
Was able for her strength to beat a Dozen.  
And for her length none with her durst compare,  
From Tyburn to the Coast of Gibraltar.  
For when was hanged, her feet did reach so low,  
Her could ha' touched the ground with her great toe.    

130. Of one would have his Wife no longer argued between the Good man, and a Neighbour.  

A man was often used to threat his Bride,  
That she with him no longer should abide.  
A Neighbour knowing well her conversation,  
Asked him, to say so, what was his occasion?  
I've many reasons to myself best known.  
Let some of them I pray ye now be shown.  
First, she all day o'retops me every way,  
Than you by night o're-top her (I dare say.)  
Next she her head doth carry very high,  
And so she may, yet show humility:  
Besides, in all things she doth overreach me;  
Why, that is but more wisdom for to teach ye.  
Nay more, in Bed she longer lies than I;  
So is she longer up, you'll not deny.  
I'm too short for her, do I what I can;  
So for his Wife is every other man.  
The truth is she's the taller and the stronger,  
And therefore I'll not have her any longer.    

131. Of a Chirurgeon Doctor, and an old Woman.  

A Doctor for to cure an old wives eyes,  
Her to be three days hoodwinked did advise;  
Mean while at times her Brass and Pewter clear,  
He stole from her, and what he else could bear:  
At last she unhoodwinkt, looking round about,  
Perceived her household Goods all carried out:  
What must you have (quoth she) it might have been,  
That by your help I might have better seen;  
But I see now less than before, a many  
Of Goods I saw, but now I see not any.    

132. Of a Bear-bait.  

There was a Bear-bait near to a steep hill,  
Fight Dog, fight bear, come freely all that will;  
And after some loose courses had been passed  
Betwixt them fair, the Bear broke loose at last;  
When he was loose, he ran as he were wood  
To the hill-top, where then a Tinker stood:  
The Tinker being very far in drink,  
Caught fast the Bear, and did not budge nor shrink  
Both struggled there a while, at last these twain  
Did fall down headlong, o'er and o'er again;  
And all the time these up and down thus tumbled,  
The Bear he roared, the Tinker's budget rumbled:  
Had you been there, and seen them act their part,  
You almost would with laughter broke your heart.  
The Bear at bottom loose did run away,  
The Tinker puffed and blowed, at last did say;  
Which of the stoutest of all the company  
Dare venture now to do again as I.    

133. Of an ungrateful Debtor.  

Tardus before I did thee money lend,  
I when I would enjoyed thee as a friend;  
But now if any where by chance thou spy me,  
As if I were a snake thou sneakest by me:  
My moneys to demand I did not mean,  
And yet I rather will then lose thee clean;  
I'd lose my moneys, not thee, both together  
I will not lose, enough for to lose either:  
Then send my moneys, or come thou (if loath)  
Either should come alone, ye may come both)  
If that thou lik'st of neither, yet my due  
I look for, but if thou never come, adieu.    

134. Of Thraso, who sold some Lands for sumptuous Apparel.  

With thy clothes weight thou well mayest sweat amain,  
Of Lands four acres in them they contain;  
Such store of mould on dead Corpse never was cast,  
As thou upon thy back now living haste.    

135. Of one that escaped Shipwreck and died on shore.  

One shipwrackt on the seas escaped to ground,  
Yet he the land as sea as dangerous found;  
For whilst he wet and weary fell asleep  
On shore, but a small distance from the deep,  
A Viper with her venenosity  
There bit him, that he died immediately.  
The Fates are firm, he but in vain does fly  
The Seas, who's destined on the Land to die.    

136. Of a Trage. Comedy, entitled, Argulus and Parthenia.  

This Trage. Comedy does represent  
The fervent fancies of two Lovers bend  
In firm affection faithful each to either,  
And so continued all their lives together;  
These looked not on the fawns or frowns of friends,  
Nor matched they for some by-sinister ends:  
These did not love at door, and leave at hatch,  
Nor did these either for advantage match.  
The Groom to's Bride did not himself engage  
For great Estate, high-birth, or Parentage;  
Nor did the Bride expect the Groom to pour  
(as Jove in Danae's lap) a golden shower:  
Mere love was the first motive that did move  
This loving pair to sympathise in love.  
The Bride did love the Groom, the Groom the Bride,  
Thus both did loving live, both loving died.  
Of divers loving pairs I've read strange stories,  
But none like these, I speak to both their glories.    

137. Of a Physician and a Gold-finder.  

A Doctor and Gold-finder fell at words,  
And all (Sir reverence) was not worth two—  
The Doctor said, he was a shitten slave,  
A sordid fellow, and base stinking knave.  
Doctor (quoth he) forbear those words unmeet,  
You know the smell of gain is very sweet  
Of any thing; nor be you a forgetter  
Of your own practice which then mine's no better:  
I smell your meaning out, you plain bewray it,  
Your trade's as loathsome, you cannot gainsay it;  
For your oft poting into— and piss.  
To get gold thence, and so our stirring is.    

138. Of a Doctor and a Husbandman.  

A Husbandman who had been long time sickly,  
At last brought very weak, wished his wife quickly  
Unto some Doctor for to bring his water;  
Who by inspection knowing not the matter  
Of his disease, asked of her like a Nody,  
The state and disposition of his body;  
As whether he were costative or no?  
He does not cost me much (quoth she) all know:  
He asked her then, if laxative he was?  
She said he lacks for nothing that he has.  
The Doctor as displeased did fling about him,  
And asked her if she did not come to flout him?  
Quoth she, I know not, Sir, your words of Arts,  
He belches, neezes, pisses, shits, and farts.  
This good (quoth he) but tell me how does shit?  
That, Sir, indeed would anger you downright;  
Sometimes he shites so hard, that for your life  
You'll hardly, Doctor, cut it with a knife;  
Another time he shits so thin again,  
That you may suck it with a quill amain:  
Nay more (Quoth he) I pray thee hold thy tongue,  
Like enough so, I've heard thee prate too long;  
I'll make no further privy inquisition,  
I's never so fitted since I was Physician.    

139. Of a Tenement, and a House of Office situate next together.  

A Landlord held a Tenement which lay  
Close to an House of Office on th' high way;  
The Message in Fee simple he of old,  
And th' House of Office in Fee tail did hold:  
The Tenement being not repaired long,  
Was weak, but th'house of office was main strong.  
The Message of a Tenant lying void,  
A friend to write Inscriptions being employed,  
O'er the one door writ, here are some rooms to set,  
O'er th'other thus, here are some farts to let.    

140. Of Open-arces or Meddlers.  

A Country Huswife her maid-servant sent  
With Open-tails a Lady to present;  
Though Open-tails and Medlars with them are  
At Court as common as their Lady-ware.)  
The Maid plain, downright blunt, & homely bred  
Dropping some curtsies to the Lady sed;  
My Dame by me her service does present you,  
And in this basket has (Sir Reverence) sent you  
Some Open-arces, which though (by your favour)  
They've a foul name, yet have no filthy savour:  
These Medlars taken raw (she wished me tell ye)  
Will cause you pained at bottom of your belly,  
As she has found; at which the Lady smiled,  
Calling to mind when she was last with child,  
How longing for some, she sustained great harms,  
ne'er well until the pain came in her arms:  
Lady (quoth she) you laugh, yet if but raw  
You eat these Medlars, the●● not worth a straw;  
Nor are they worth a fart, (take't on my word)  
Until they're all as rotten as a—  
The maid's talk caused the Lady's hearty laughter,  
And pleased her better than the fruit she brought her.    

141. Of a disputation between Mr. Hugh Peter, and a Country Bumkin.  

A Bumkin came to Peter's, and him told  
He came to expute with him if he would;  
Peter looked strange, and wondered what he meant,  
Yet told him if he would he was content;  
How much than shall it be for (Peter says)  
For five pounds, (quoth the Bumkin) if you please:  
The match is firmly bound on either side;  
Whereat some of the standers by replied.  
But who shall first begin? the Clown said than,  
You Mr. Peter, you're the better man;  
Peter then asked him strait, who was Christ's father,  
Quoth he, you pose me now main hard I gather;  
So pausing on the same a pretty space,  
At last he briefly thus resolves the case:  
Joseph for's earthly Father's held by most,  
But's heavenly Father was the Holy Ghost;  
Now did I rightly answer, (pray you tell)  
You did (indeed) quoth Peter) very well:  
Then quoth the Clown, my question I'll propose,  
Who was my father, Sir, can you disclose?  
Quoth he, thy father, how the devil should I  
e'er know, whom I ne'er saw with mortal eye?  
I know him not, nor thee I tell thee true;  
Then, quoth the Bumkin, you've lost good Sir Hugh  
The moneys all are mine, I cannot stay,  
So soops the moneys up, and goes his way.    

142. Of carving up of a Woodcock.  

A Scholar in a stormy winter's night  
Riding late homewards, was constrained to light  
At a friend's house in's way, where he oft came,  
And still was very welcome at the same;  
The Gentleman being sat at supper, he  
Was wished to sit down with the Company;  
And being sat, and merry there, at last  
The Gentleman a Woodcock on him cast,  
And wished him carve it up, but he refused,  
And wittily desired to be excused;  
Saying, that woodcocks were with Scholars dainty,  
Though in the country they'd of them such plenty.  
And therefore he'd not touched by his good will,  
And told the Gentleman he'd better skill:  
Then reached here (said the Gentleman) and see  
If I not carveed up artificially;  
Quoth Scholar, Sir, you've done't (indeed) so neatly,  
So rarely, tightly, and completely;  
That sure hereafter, wheresoev'r I do  
But see a Woodcock, I shall think on you.    

143. Of a Dish of Samsons.  

A Widow did a friend or two invite  
To eat a dish of Samsons towards night;  
Who being come, she wishes them fall too,  
And says they're welcome without more ado:  
And putting the fish heads and tails at once  
Into her mouth, never caring for the bones;  
One noting it, and smiling, asked her why  
She ate the fishes so confusedly?  
Quoth she, (since my dear Husband's dead) I vow  
I do not care which end goes forwards now.    

144. Of a Woddower and Widow.  

A Widower who seven wives had matched,  
And all by his unlawful blade dispatched;  
A Suitor to a wanton Widow went,  
For to obtain her favour and consent:  
But her maid-servant hearing that he'd killed  
So many, did persuade her not to yield  
By any means to be his wedded wife,  
Unless she were a weary of her life:  
Away (quoth she) thou prates thou knowst not what,  
Be his blade what it will, I fear it not.  
If he do thrust me in, I care not, I  
(The world's so hard) am willing for to die.    

145. Of one Lowrie, who altered her Name to Rose.  

A Welsh maid-servant, Lowrie called by name,  
Unto a Shropshire Carrier lately came,  
And said, she's for a London service bend,  
And for her carriage he should have content.  
He asked her name, as they they went on the way,  
Lowrie (quoth she) but why d'ye ask I pray.  
Lowrie (said he) those nice Dames never will brook  
You, when they do but on thee Lowrie look.  
Why, what will you then have me called, she said.  
Rose, and that's a sweet Name for any maid;  
For when thou there art under thy Dame's nose,  
(As thou'lt be often) she'll delight in Rose.  
Rose too, may give thy Master sweet content.  
Quoth she, so I fain would, where e'er I went.  
Rose then's my name, and you must call me so;  
For Lowrie henceforth I'll no longer go.  
I know not what between them further passed,  
But she by's means in London was well placed:  
Who did not there above a month abide,  
But it came to her course, with more beside,  
For to be Catechised (as is the fashion)  
In view of a great public Congregation:  
And standing up, the Parson ased her name;  
She answered, Rose. (Quoth he) who gave the same?  
She said, one Will the Carrier, on a day,  
When we went to a Coppice by th' high way.  
But my first and right proper Name before.  
Was Lowrye at least these eighteen years and more.  
Whereat a many there burst out with laughter,  
And so continued for a long while after.    

146. Of one Bull and Heifer, yoked together in Wedlock.  

Reader (perchance (you'll think that I do take  
These two as feigned Names, for my jeast's sake:  
But if you think so, you do think amiss,  
How e'er be pleased to take it as it is.   

A Bull an Heifer matched, I'm of opinion,  
Of the same lineage as was Samsons minion:  
For he with's Riddles all his guests out-cowed,  
Till some of them had with his Heifer ploughed.  
She whom he there calls Heifer was his wife,  
Which made him (of times) weary of his life;  
For she did make strong Samson wear the horns,  
And drew his foes to make of him mere scorns.  
And Bull's wife like a beast let others ride her,  
Which made Bull horn-mad, he could not abide her  
And he her scores requited to the full,  
Which made her dog him, and oft bait the Bull.  
Thus both being a like faulty each to either,  
They both wore a large pair of Horns together.  
Now when Bull's wife was pretty round and full,  
Was't proper for to say, she'd ta'en the Bull.  
Or was it handsome (she being Bull's wife styled)  
To say she was with Calf, then, or with Child.  
So that to know (kind Reader) I'd be glad.  
What may we rightly call the race these had.    

147. Of the Emperor Augustus Caesar and a Country Fellow.  

A Courtier who was very intimate  
With great Augustus Caesar, did relate,  
That he a Villager did lately see,  
Was very like unto his Majesty.  
Augustus bade the Courtier fetch him thither,  
That he might view him face to face together.  
The man being a mere Clown, and homely bred,  
And fearing left he'd somewhat done, or said,  
Might have offended his Imperial Grace,  
Was long time very loath to come in place.  
The Courtier bade him nothing for to fear,  
And told him he would make him welcome there.  
Where being come, he falls on's bended knee,  
And says, long live great Caesar's Majesty.  
Caesar strait brought him to a Glass, did show.  
It's Representative from top to toe.  
So noting him exactly face to face,  
And finding him so like in every place;  
He ased him, if his Mother used to come  
In his old royal Father's time to Rome.  
(Implying by those words, as one may gather,  
The man might be a Bastard to his Father)  
But the young man not knowing what he meant,  
Told th' Emperor that his Mother never went  
To Rome at all: But that his Father came  
Thither a many times, as he could name.  
Whereat Augustus laughing, said, I vow  
This Clown in mine own coin has paid me now.    

148. Of a saucy Thief.  

A peremptory Thief atraigned at Bar,  
For the grave Judge's speeches did not care;  
Which th' Judge well observing, in mind bore him,  
And said, were he not hanged, he would hang for him  
The thief his Honour thanked: and said, I pray,  
When you I need, be not out of the way.    

149. Of a Debtor dying in Prison, and buried by night.  

A Debtor long time lay in Prison fast,  
Resolved to pay no debts at all, at last  
Inexorable Death with fury bend,  
The King of kings great Pursuivant was sent,  
With special Warrant him to take away,  
And perforce make him Nature's debt to pay:  
He being from hunger, cold, and misery,  
Thence quit, enlarged, and set at liberty;  
And all his Links knoced off he used to have,  
Yet he with Links was carried to his grave.    

150. Of a Cuckold's Etymology.  

One asked a witty Scholar whence the name  
Of Cuckold, and of wearing Horns first came;  
Quoth he, thereof the reason I ne'er read,  
But with the Horns pray trouble not your head:  
As for the name of Cuckold some do hold  
It came from a Welsh old Cook that's Cuckold.  
For's Currow da, and not da Currow they,  
In Cumroe Ale good, not good Ale do say,  
And as Pen mello and not mello Pen,  
Head drunk, not drunken heads called by Welshmen.  
Even so the name of Cuckold first was born  
By a Welsh old Cook that lived at Sign of th' Horn.  
So that e'er since two Cuckolds Horns fell pat,  
Yet tell some so, they'll be horn-mad thereat.    

151. Of one Master Gun, and Goodwife Merrimouth.  

One Master Gun took for his recreation,  
A Piece on's back, as was his wont fashion;  
And raising of some Ducks, he in their flight,  
Some of them lamed, and others killed outright.  
The Ducks were Goodwife Merrimouth it proved,  
And Gun and she never one another loved:  
Who lighting of him, she no whit forbore,  
But called him Knave an hundred times and more.  
Gun thou'rt an hollow Knave I tell thee roundly,  
And now Gun I intent to charge thee sound:  
If I to take thee but in hand desire,  
Gun, I shall surely set thee soon on fire.  
Gun, thou'st an open mouth, a brazen face,  
Still proling up and down in every place.  
Gun, thou'rt a cruel murderer, all devouring,  
A stinking Knave that long have scaped a scouring.  
I care not Merrimouth for all thy talk,  
I shall light on thee, if abroad thou walk.  
Well, well, Gun, for thy threats a course I'll take,  
Though Gun thou now but a false fire dost make.  
Gun thou'st been oft burned in the breech cock sure  
The very sight of thee few can endure.  
Whilst she thus scold a Constable passed by,  
Whom she did charge with Gun immediately.  
Come Constable bring with you along Gun,  
And I will make him smoke for what he's done.  
Who being before a Justice brought, he told,  
That Merrimouth was such an arrant scold,  
None could live by her; for she used to prattle  
Louder than many Guns in a set battle.  
But she after a curtsy dropr, or twain,  
Did fall a fresh of charging Gun again.  
Sir, Gun did kill my Duck, that so oft laid,  
Murdered my Mallard, that so oft did tread.  
This Gun has oft been stocked, and then has burst,  
And hurt a many who him heavily cursed.  
Gun, thou shalt have no rest I tell thee troth,  
Till thou hast given me good content for both;  
If thou think'ft I'll put up such wrongs as this,  
I tell thee Gun thou tak'st thy aim amiss:  
And if thou think'st me in my words to catch,  
thou'rt out, for Gun has met now with thy match.  
Quoth Justice, Huswife best you hold your tongue,  
And you Gun must content her for the wrong.  
Content a Nunquam satis, sure there's no man,  
Can e'er suffice such an insatiate woman.  
Gun, you o'ershot yourself in a strange sort,  
Henceforth Gun give of her a good report.  
Your carriage Gun, is bad in all men's sight,  
For you do miss the mark you aim at quite.  
Know you before whom now you are? why then,  
Show more respect, we're not as other men.  
We're higher by the head, you cannot tell us,  
Our horns exalted are above our fellows.  
Gun, you must give'r content, for you did wrong her,  
I charge you do it strait, deferr't no longer.  
And for the future, Gun, I tell you plain,  
You never must carry Piece abroad again.  
Good master Justas, sure you do but flout me,  
For whilst I live I will bear Gun about me.    

152. Of certain ingenious Arts, and rare Inventions of former Ages.  

A touch of some ingenious Acts I'll give,  
Of some rare Artists that you'll scarce believe.  
One curiously contrived (as stories tell)  
All Homer's Iliads in a small Nut shell.  
Mermicedes composed a Coach so small,  
A Fly could cover Horses, Coach and all.  
Callicrates did frame an Ant by art,  
So small, one could discern thereof no part  
Without help of a Multiplying Glass,  
Which showed each lineament, and what it was.   

One Archimedes framed most cunningly,  
A Dove by art, which o'er the Seas did fly;  
He made a Myrrhor too, was much admired,  
Wherewith Ships a great distance off he fired.   

One Paphos a great store of Birds had caught,  
And long time closely in a Cage had taught  
For to speak plain, when they were let abroad,  
Paphos est Deus, Paphos is a God.   

One taught a Crow to salute Caesar plain  
In Greek, whom Caesar pleased well for his pain.  
A Cobbler who the Crow in Greek heard chat in,  
And's owner so well paid, taught one in Latin:  
At length with Salve Caesar to salute;  
But finding the Crow very dull unto't,  
As in despair would often to it cry,  
Oleum, & operam heu perdidi;  
Which is, I've lost my labour, and my pain:  
Which the Bird hearing o'er and o'er again,  
At last learned both: The Cobbler who heard talk  
That Caesar forthwith was that way to walk,  
Held out the Crow as Caesar past that way,  
And salve Caesar strait the Crow did say:  
Which Caesar noting, said it did but chat,  
And that he'd better Birds at home then that;  
Whereat the Crow again did plainly cry,  
Oleum & operam heu perdidi:  
Caesar his speech that fell so pat regarded,  
And so the Cobbler too he well rewarded.   

Aristus being invited as a Guest  
With others to a solemn sumptuous Feast,  
Did cause an artificial Bird to fly  
To each one then at board respectively;  
And when from one to one it so had passed,  
It came to his own hand again at last.   

Another made an Eagle for to soar  
Over an Emperor's Coach six miles and more;  
Which afterwards with his Imperial train  
Attending on the Coach fled back again.   

The Watchmaker as curious skill imparts  
In his, as any other in their Arts;  
For he's his Fusee, Wheels, and Gardegat,  
Portants, Spring, Barrel, and I know not what;  
His Cock, his Balance, Arrow, and his Rochets,  
With other pretty gimbals and neat Crotchets.   

The Art of Stenography late devised,  
By which a deal's in a small room comprised,  
Is very rare; for by it I did note  
A large whole Sermon in Octavo wrote.   

One made a Golden Chain with lock and key,  
And four and twenty links drawn by a flea;  
The which a Countess in a box kept warm,  
And fed it daily on her milk-white arm.   

One Gyges' did compose a curious Ring,  
Through which he (himself unseen) saw every thing.   

Some hold Minerva was the first that brought  
Weaving in use, and it to others taught:  
And others hold that fair Arachne Queen  
Of Colophonia, was the first was seen  
This Art to exercise, by whom was drawn  
A twine more fine than any Cobweb Lawn:  
But I hold (let what others will report)  
We're first beholding to the Spider for't;  
And though of manual Arts there's a great many,  
Yet in the world like this there is not any.   

And Printing was at first a rare Invention,  
But being so common, I'll make of't no mention.   

The Invention first of Guns (as stories tell)  
From Almain came, I rather think from Hell;  
For there's a filthy smoke, and a foul smother,  
And spittitg flames of fire at one another;  
And men with Guns, incensed with rage and ire,  
Like devils at one another spit forth fire:  
So that 'tis very like at first it came  
From Hell, or from the Devil or his Dam.   

Albertus Magnus who once Tutor was  
To that renowned profound Pythagoras,  
Made the Idea of a man in mould,  
So vive to the Spectators to behold;  
With active iron gimbals to't so meet,  
That it could move the head, eyes, hands, and feet:  
And which was more to be admired at,  
It some words plainly could articulate.   

I of this sort could insert many more,  
Which I'll omit, and purposely pass o'er;  
Being loath the Readers patience to offend,  
For they were rather for his pleasure penned:  
These show what rare things may be done by Art,  
Whilst God doth guide the Artists hand and heart.     

Certain pleasant Propositions and Questions, with their merry Solutions and Answers.  

Question 1.  
HOw does this Earth's vast ball so firmly stand  
Of't self, without some main supporting hand  
Ans. Because each Element when it's fixed right  
In's one place, neither heavy is nor light.   

2.  
Q. Why did God take and make Eve Adam's bride  
Of an hard crooked rib from his left side?  
A. Shows Wives are so inflexible, hard, crooked,  
For some sinister ends, few men can brook it.   

3.  
Q. Why woos the man the woman, and not she  
The man, though her desire more eager be?  
A. Eve came first out of Adam, which shows plain  
What the man lost, he seeks for to regain.   

4.  
Q. Tell me I pray what kind of Apple was't  
In Eden Eve gave Adam for to taste?  
A. A Bitter-sweet we truly it may call,  
For it proved so to them, and to us all;  
'Twas pleasant to the sight, sweet to the taste,  
But bitter when from Eden they were cast:  
And so that bitter sweet proves unto all,  
Redeemed by faith in Christ from Satan's thrall.   

5.  
Q. Why did God say, each creature that he named  
Was very good, until that Eve was framed?  
A. God in his secret wisdom did foreknow  
Eva would be Auae, woman man's woe.   

6.  
Q. Why did God say, let's make an Helper meet  
For man, in that socrety is sweet?  
A. She proved indeed no less, for in a trice  
She helped poor Adam out of paradise.   

7.  
Q. Why are most Women much enamoured  
Of such as had at first their Maidenhead?  
A. Their Maidenhead did long time vex and grieve them,  
Than they should love them best that ease did give them.   

8.  
Q. Why are folks foxed said to be far in drink,  
When drink's far in them rather one would think?  
A. This an improper speech, though it be common  
Applied to any drunken man or woman;  
But of Rats in an Ale-fat drunk, I think  
One may say truly they were far in drink.   

9  
Q. When man and woman both by chance do drown,  
Why rises he with's face up, and she down?  
A. Shows they'll never gen'rate more, for both still lay  
At Venus' sports the clean contrary way.   

10.  
Q At board why sits a woman highest still,  
And yet in bed lies lowest by her good will?  
A. She loves her choice fat sweet bits night & day,  
Which gaping fall pat in her mouth that way.   

11.  
Q. Which is the only way to tame a shrew?  
A. With kindness kill her, and you'll still her so.   

12.  
Q. Why do some Venus Goddess. like adore,  
Though a base Prostitute, collapsed Whore?  
A. Because so many for her favour woo her.  
Which gained, they fall upon their knees unto her   

13.  
Q. Why did light Venus suffer Mars to enter,  
Having a lawful Husband to content her?  
A. Because that limping Vulcan was too lame  
To stand, or take good footing at the game.   

14.  
Q. What is't that God did ne'er make, tell me, can ye?  
A. A Cuckold, for he sure ne'er yet made any.   

15.  
Q. Why are the horns upon the Husband hung,  
When as the whore his wife does all the wrong?  
A. All beasts who've horns, upon their heads do bear 'em,  
He's his wife's head, than fittest he should wear 'em.   

16.  
Q. Who was the merest Wittol e'er was born,  
The veriest Cuckold that e'er wore a horn,  
The arrantest whoremaster that e'er did piss?  
A. King Solomon who'd (as the story is)  
Seven hundred wives, and concubines 3. hundred;  
Which if he were not, it's to be much wondered.   

17.  
Q. Why do some Cuckolds love their wives more dear,  
Then others their chaste wives (as't does appear?)  
A. 'Cause none alive could give their wives their due yet,  
They like their letting others help to do it.   

18.  
Q. Why've Bastards often more ingenious pates,  
And manly valour than Legitimates?  
A. Legitimates are gotten commonly  
In fatigated and spent Venery;  
But th'other with a more courageous cheer,  
As Mars kissed Venus with a full career.   

19  
Q. And what's the cause some bastards look a squint,  
For all may think that there was somewhat in't?  
A. At th'act the parents round about 'em spied  
For fear, and so the child became squint-eyed.   

20.  
Q Who were the wickedest Judges e'er were known?  
A. Pilate and Bradshaw, who to hell are gone;  
Th'one judged to death the guiltless King of glory,  
Th'other King Charles, for whom all's friends are sorry.   

21.  
Q. Who was the greatest Br'wer this land ere bred?  
A. Cromwell, who our late King decapited;  
He brewed more mischief, and debate set forth  
Throughout 3 Kingdoms then his neck was worth  
Now hell his stinking cask hath out of doubt,  
Where he may long time hoop e'er he get out.   

22.  
Q What are those female wantoness like that wear  
Their loose, light, black hoods almost every where?  
A. Methinks they look in those black hoods and veils  
Like gentles who've black heads and wagging tails.   

23.  
Q. Why do most wear two pair of hose, whereof  
Th'one's for the most part red above the calf?  
A. It shows that they from the red-shanks first came  
And wear them so, in memory of the same;  
And wearing of such double wrinkled hose,  
They make themselves great Calves, as I suppose.   

24.  
Q. Why do some wear like cuffs about their feet,  
Which to be worn about the wrists more meet?  
A. This fashion shows, though it be base & scurvy,  
That now the world is turned clean topside turvy.   

25.  
Q. How is't that there's so many Ribbons wore  
Of divers colours all men's bodies o'er;  
About their hats, their wastes, and at their knees,  
But 'specially about their Codpieces?  
A. Their Codpieces contain their Lady-ware,  
To show fair Ladies where their stand are;  
Wherein they've giggombobs, and fain would vent 'em,  
To please their sweetheart's fancies, & content'em   

26.  
Q. Why did the Usurper and his mates conjoin  
To make the shape of Breeches on their Coin;  
When as the Slead, the Barrel, and the Sling  
Were for a Brewer a far fitter thing?  
A. A royalist (observing these late jars  
By women caused) called them the women's wars:  
So Cromwell for their sakes on that stamp pitches,  
Because that Joan his wife did wear the breeches.  

— Cunus deterrima belli  
Hujus causa fuit.—    

27.  
Q. Who brought up first wide breeches at the knees?  
A. Cromwell with other his Accomplices.  
Q. And what do they in that strange mode imply?  
A. A Coat of Arms reversed in Heraughtry;  
Which doth a Traitor properly display,  
And Cromwell was an arch one, so were they.   

28.  
Q. Who brought up shoes with noses then the feet  
Broader, and longer, and each way unmeet?  
A. This foolish fashion too from Noll first rose,  
Who'd a great toting, huge large, main long nose.   

29.  
Q. Why wear fair Ladies fans of Ostrich plumes,  
Whose able stomach iron soon consumes?  
A. For lightness only they do wear his feather,  
For like with like delighteth altogether;  
And though their stomaches are but queasy ones  
To digest Iron, yet they can the Stones.   

30.  
Q. Which do ye hold (pray tell me if ye can)  
To be the direct middle age of man?  
A. There's no one living punctually can say,  
That this or that is till his dying day.   

31.  
Q. Which is the longest day do you suppose?  
A. That wherein one endures most pain and woes.  
Q. What is the shortest do ye apprehend?  
A. One's last, for that is nighest to an end.   

32.  
Q. How can it be by wit imagined,  
One day should serve to judge both quick & dead?  
A. The Conscience (whereof none can be refuser)  
Shall then be's own judge, witness, and accuser.   

33.  
Q. Who (Miller-like) first brought up poldring hair,  
which makes young men look old, & black seem fair?  
A. Nol when he did frequent his old Malt-mill,  
Came out thence in that manner poldred still;  
'Twas fit they poldred such a stinking knave,  
And so 'tis well for him he's in his grave:  
For had he lived till now, (the whole world saith)  
He'd late been poldred to some tune I'faith.   

34.  
Q. When that the Soul is from the body fled,  
Is't not fit the Corpse should be buried?  
A. No, rather make much of't, and give't such meat  
As in that case is fit of 
* A woman newly brought to bed.  one to eat.   

35.  
Q. How long is't best for one to have a wife,  
For certain years or else for term of life?  
A. Two days are full enough a wife to have,  
Th'one warm in bed, and th'other cold in grave.   

36.  
Q. Why do some Blacksmiths, and most of their fellows  
Set horns upon the ends of their great bellows?  
A. They took that use from Vulcan, I conceive,  
Whose wife Mars kissed, & him the horns did leave   

37.  
Q. What are those females like, who on their faces  
Wear small black patches sixth in divers places?  
A. They're like to spotted she Pards who'd great rangers,  
Which wrong their males by coupling oft with strangers.   

38.  
Q. Why wore Noll's Soldiers lately altogether  
Hangers, more than swords, tucks, or rapier either?  
A. Their wearing Hangers plainly did bewray,  
That they were hangers on the State for pay;  
Which proved true: for th' State did but delay them  
Till good King Charles took a wise course to pay them.   

39  
Q. Of a fat roasted Pig through the midst cleft,  
Which of the sides is best, the right or left?  
A. When one of them is eaten (out of jest)  
I for my own part hold the left's the best.   

40.  
Q. When is the Goose with the most feathers loaden?  
A. It's like then when she's by the gander trodden.   

41.  
Q. Did not Geese save the Capitol of Rome?  
A. Yes, when the Gauls against the same did come;  
But therein they did show themselves mere Geese,  
Who by such silly Creatures it did lose.   

42.  
Q. What is't thats born of's mother without pain  
Which it's own mother soon begets again?  
A. Congealed Ice begotten first of water,  
Which being dissolved returns to the same matter.   

43.  
Q. Who was it that was born (now let me hear)  
Before that either of his Parents were:  
And had his Grandmothers virginity,  
This thought seem very strange yet is no lie?  
A. Adam and Eve were formed of comely stature  
By God, and so not born by course of nature;  
But Abel was: who had the maidenhead  
Of th' Earth his grandmother, when he was dead.   

44.  
Q. In Versifying, of all sorts of feet,  
Which for the loving Females is most meet?  
A. The Dactyle best with women doth consort,  
Consisting of a long one, and two short.   

45.  
Q. Why doth Gold look so pale unto the eye?  
A. Because that all in wait for it do lie.  
And caught it's kept close with such cares & fears,  
That very seldom it abroad appears.   

46.  
Q. Of the five Tenses, or the Times, expressed  
In lily's Grammar, which d'ye hold the best?  
A. The Present Tense, or Time, for it's in vain  
To call the Preterperfect Tense again.  
And of the Tense, or Time, termed the Future,  
We of a day or minute, are not sure.   

47.  
Q. Of these three evils, which for best d'ye grant one,  
A crooked Saint, rich Fool, or witty Wanton?  
A. A crooked Saint is fittest for the Lord,  
For who can fancy her, at bed or board.  
A rich Fool, though of wealth she have great store  
Yet will her talk but vex you evermore.  
A witty Wanton when she's done you wrong,  
Will put it quaintly off with a neat tongue.  
Then of these Evils, if you choose the least,  
You'll find the witty Wanton is the best.   

48.  
Q. How differed Noll and's son Dick in condition,  
For both a while swayed with the like ambition?  
A. The father was more knave than fool a deal,  
The son more fool than knave, it's since known well   

49.  
Q. Who first wore boots which came up to his twiss  
So high, that he could for them hardly piss?  
A. One monsieur Stradler, who came with Commission  
From France to make with Cromwell composition.  
Which soon agreed, for both pissed in one quill;  
For th' one did stride, the other straddled still:  
Wherein did sure consist a Paradox,  
For't seems they could not help it with a Pox.   

50.  
Q. What is the cause there lately did appear  
So many strong delusions every where;  
Such Heresies, Sects, Schisms, and Alterations,  
In Church & Commonwealth in these three nations  
A. Those Schismatics had then the sole command  
And all power (though usurped) in their own hand;  
Then who could quash the same, or it prevent,  
Whilst there was wanting Regal government:  
For when the Jews had no King, all did rise,  
And did what seemed best in their own eyes.   

51.  
Q. Who late revived those Periwigs and borders?  
A. Some of Noll's Soldiers by their lewd disorders,  
Who marching by command to France o'er seas,  
Some Insurrections there for to appease,  
Brought with them thence the Frenchified fashion  
And since bestowed it on some of this Nation;  
That made their fronts so high, fair, smooth & even  
That there was scarce an hair 'twixt them and heaven.  
And though this seem but a bald jest in view,  
I think you'll not dislikeed, for it's too true.  
And some of the Cromwellians yet do cry,  
A pox of all true jests, for that's no lie.   

52.  
Q Why are folks drunk said to be foxed, pray show,  
For there are few the cause thereof do know?  
A. Foxes are very red, and Drunkards most,  
Look mighty flushed when they the Cans have tossed  
2. Foxes do live by stealth, and so do they  
Oft steal a Cup too much, then steal away.  
3. Foxes love desert, and close lurking holes;  
So have these by-nooks where they quaff their bowls.  
4. Foxes use ranging for their prey by night;  
And these in late night walking much delight.  
5. Foxes lie closely sleeping all the day,  
So these in lurking pass the time away.  
6. Foxes themselves do ' from the Hunter's hide,  
And these their followers never can abide.  
7. Foxes do live of others pains and toil;  
And Drunkards wholly live upon the spoil.  
8. And lastly, Foxes have a filthy stink,  
So've most foul Drunkards when they're far in drink.  
Then seeing one Drunk's so like a Fox each way,  
Those that are Drunk are Foxed, one well may say.   

53.  
Q. Each morning when friends and acquaintance meet.  
Why doth each other with Good morrow greet?  
'Tis an improper speech, for who doth know?  
A. Whether he shall live a day, or hour, or no.  
Therefore the Welsh men do more proper say,  
When they salute with Dudddawch, that's good day.   

54.  
Q Which of all things should be the most respected,  
Yet for the most part, is the most neglected?  
A. Time, which most pass away in pastimes vain,  
Yet none one minute past can call again.   

55.  
Q When one with his own wife (unknown) doth lie,  
Taking her sure, for's neighbours wife hard by;  
What do ye think of that child so begot?  
Is it legitimate or is it not?  
A. If for the Will the actual deed you take,  
A Bastard of it than you needs must make.   

56.  
Q. What's the fulfilling of the Law I pray?  
A. To love thy neighbour as thyself each way:  
So who to's neighbours wife bears as good will,  
As to's own wife, he doth the Law fulfil.   

57  
Q. When is it best for one to fall on board?  
A. The Cynic tells us bluntly in a word;  
A rich man when he's stomach to his meat,  
A poor man when he's somewhat for to eat.   

58.  
Q What think ye of such women that are so  
Ushered by help of men where e'er they go?  
A. 'Tis fit such should be helped by some one's hand  
That of themselves can neither go nor stand.   

59  
Q Who first found out th'Italian strange Padlock?  
A. monsieur Zelotipus who'd the French P—  
He'd a choice piece to do, but could not do it,  
And locked it up so close none could come to it.   

60.  
Q. What evils to most Houses do pertain?  
A. A foul offensive smoke, a shower of rain;  
Young hungry children from their meat kept long  
And a shroud wife, who hath a scolding tongue.   

61.  
Q. How many sorts of Cuckolds may there be?  
A. There's chiefly seven, as you may plainly see.  
The first's a creeping Sneak that's cuckolded,  
Though snail-like he, his house keeps o'er his head.  
The second Goat-like wears his horns behind,  
Which being out of sight, are out of mind.  
The Third, Ram-like, hath a large pair of horns,  
And sees them, yet to bear them never scorns.  
The fourth, Bull-like, bears on his front before,  
A border for a Bush-board, lest he gore.  
The fifth, Stag-like, trips with a fair attire,  
Which standing he doth gaze at, and admire.  
Yet many Gallants put him in great fear,  
When they come in his Park to hunt his deer.  
The sixth resembles the Rhinoceros,  
Who though his horns grow not as others grows  
Yet finds no fault with their Deformity,  
So he may reap some benefit thereby.  
The seventh, Unicorn like, bears his horn  
Main high, in that himself is nobly born;  
So like the Unicorn (as stories tell us)  
His horns exalted far above his fellows.   

62.  
Q. What vermin's that (though it be small in stature,  
Which so degenerates from the course of nature,  
That it corrodes the matrix of its dam  
Which bred it, fed it, e'er to light it came?  
A. The Viper which Christ upon just occasion,  
Did paralize unto the Jewish Nation;  
VVho'th teeth hid in the gums vile sharp & keen,  
Wherewith (when time serves) it doth reek & teen.   

63.  
Q. What beast is that which his own sire ne'er knows,  
For at th' engendering he his life doth lose?  
A. The Bitch Wolf when she's proud with dogs do go,  
Raving and raging ever too and fro.  
Where they a filthy coil about her keep,  
Till wearied out, at last they fall asleep,  
She wakes one, which her lines, & when each misses  
His prey, they tear him limmally in pieces.   

64.  
Q. What creature weaves a web to her own woe  
And twists a twine to her own overthrow?  
A. The subtle Spider, who's an Emblem right  
Of envy, hatred, malice, and of spite:  
She her own lean spare entrails doth not spare,  
With webs thence drawn, poor flies for to ensnare.   

65.  
Q. What Creature's that which kindles, and beside  
Hath a new breed of young at the same time?  
A. This of the Hare (though very strange) is true,  
Who at once is Parient and Pregnant too.   

66.  
Q. What fowl is't which with angels plumes do fly  
That hath a thievish gate, a devilish cry?  
A. The Peacock Juno's Bird, with his proud flail,  
Who'th Argos hundred eyes about his tail.   

76.  
Q. And what fowl is't, that boil it, roast it, bake it,  
As throughly and as well as fire can make it;  
Yet will it before few days are passed o'er  
Become as raw as ever it was before;  
And being kept never so long (let who will try)  
It will not stink, nor taint, nor putrify?  
A. It is the selfsame Bird, which his food makes  
Of poisonous Askers, Adders, and of Snakes.   

68  
Q. What things to a chirurgeon's requisite?  
A. Three chiefly, which I'll briefly here recite.  
1. First he must in his Patient's ulcers pry  
With an acute sharp piercing Eagles eye.  
2. Next he must have a Lion's heart, not swoon  
Nor faint at sight of any mortal wound.  
3. And he must have a Lady's hand t' apply  
Salves to all sores exceeding tenderly.   

69.  
Q. What strange Tombs that, and where may it be found,  
which toucheth neither heaven, nor sea, nor ground  
A God Mah'mets' Iron Chest in Mecha fair,  
Drawn up by Loadstones hanging in the Air.   

70.  
Q. Why hath sad Night her sable weed still on?  
A. She Bridelike mourns for Day, as dead & gone.  
If the Stars did not comfort her so mourning,  
With grief she'd break her heart ere Day's returning.   

71.  
Q. How is't two Elements by Nature's cunning,  
Th'Earth standing still, the Water always running,  
Make one Terrestrial perfect Globe and Ball?  
A. The God of Nature nothing framed at all  
In vain, but to some special use and end,  
So both being heavy, naturally tend  
To the same centre, where they bear and feed,  
All creatures that do spring of mortal feed.   

72.  
Q. Why do men for light Errants women blame,  
When they're themselves as fantly in the same:  
For amongst the wand'ring Planets they may find  
Five males, for but two of the female kind?  
A. Poor women still do bear the blame of all,  
Because the weakest is thrust unto the wall:  
For when with Venus Mars conjoined is caught,  
Venus bears all the burden of the fault.   

73.  
Q. Why do most a wild wench a wanton call?  
A. 'Cause she doth still want one to sport withal:  
Yet when she to her consorts suit consents,  
These wantoness have no wants to their contents.   

74.  
Q. How many World's may there be, tell me pray?  
For there are more than one (as many say.)  
And Aristotle Alexander told,  
That there were many worlds, when that he could  
Not conquer one, for all his toil and pain,  
Which made proud Alexander weep amain?  
A. If you Man for a little World confess,  
As (in himself considered) he's no less,  
In regard of his exquisite Perfection,  
Then there's a world of Worlds without exception.  
But God's word plainly shows (this all and some)  
There's but two; this world, & the world to come.   

75.  
Q. What creature's that which weakly creeps on four,  
Then goes upright of only two, no more;  
Within few years to go of three is fain,  
And at last feebly creeps on four again?  
A. A little Infant first of four doth craul,  
In manhood walks of two, being then grown tall:  
After grown weak, he's with a Staff comforted;  
And in old Age with crutches he's supported.   

76.  
Q. Whether is't better if one match at all  
To choose a wife main big, or very small?  
A. Herein one asked a Cynic his advice  
Who wished him take one of the smallest size.  
For (quoth he) in my judgement it is best,  
Of Evils, ever for to choose the least.   

77.  
Q. If there were a good wager to be laid,  
Of one to his full weight for to be weighed;  
Whether d'ye think will such an one weigh more  
Fasting, or when he's freely fed before?  
A. When one hath fasted long he'll heavier be,  
Then when he hath eaten to satiety;  
Because his spirits by fasting are abated,  
Which are by eating food exhillerated.   

78.  
Q Wherein's fair England far more beautified,  
Then any Kingdom in the World beside?  
A. In fair and sumptuous Temples it excels,  
In stately Tombs, and well tuned Cords of Bells.  
In Rivers, Bridges, and in pleasant Fountains,  
In fruitful Valleys, and high towering Mountains.  
In wool, in flocks of sheep, and herds of cattle,  
In Marshal-men, and horses trained to battle.  
And in the store of Ladies fair, for there  
Are proper women common every where.   

79.  
Q. Do women live in worse or better cases  
In England, or in many other places?  
A. In other Nations wives are light set by,  
'Cause they allow of lewd Polygamy;  
But England is a Paradise for Wives,  
For there their Husbands love them as their lives;  
For Servants it's a Purgatory sure,  
For there a deal of sorrow they endure.  
And it's an Hell for Horses, being fain  
Under the Whip to take a world of pain.   

80.  
In what form do you think a woman would  
Seem fairest for the Spectators to behold?  
A. If she were Dutch from foot t'above her thigh,  
Wherein consists a modest mystery;  
From thence, if she were French to her neck's height,  
For they of body commonly are straight;  
And thereon if an English head were placed,  
For of all others they are handsomest faced:  
Who's thus by Nature formed from top to toe.  
For an accomplished Lady needs must go.   

81.  
Q In Spain why's a maid an Infantess styled,  
Which signifies an infant, or young child?  
A. Because that there are none, (the word shows plain)  
But only Infants that are Maids in Spain.   

82.  
Q. What's best for Barber-surgeons, wars or peace?  
A. All's one to them, their trade doth never cease,  
They've Salve for every sore within some box,  
In wars for wounds, in peace to cure the P—   

83.  
Q From whence came first the Cyprian foul disease,  
Which doth so many pleasingly displease?  
A. From the Low Countries, as some do report,  
Near Gelderland, or from thence not much short.  
Some think from the Venetians it proceeded,  
And others hold th' Italians first did breed it;  
But 'tis most like, it from the French first came,  
In that from them it still retains the name.   

84.  
Q. Is it for truth, whereof the Irish boasts,  
There lives no pois nous Creatures in their Coasts?  
A. 'Tis sure, and hath long since for truth been tried,  
For such being thither brought have strait ways died.  
Yet they with Lice a loathsome plague are cursed,  
Of all the ten Egyptian Plagues the worst,  
And though their finger's itch to be about them,  
Do what they can, they cannot live without them   

85.  
Q. Whence do the Scots derive their name I pray,  
A. From Scotos a Greek word, (as Authors say)  
Which Darkness signifies, in that they quite  
Live Northward more remote from Phoebus' light;  
If then they are so dark, 'tis strange of late  
They should presume for to illuminate  
Those two transcendent and resplendent eyes  
Of England's famous Universities.  
Those inexhaust pure founts of life eternal,  
And raise such Locusts from the Abiss infernal,  
To muddifie, and to disturb the same,  
To God's dishonour, and to their own shame:  
Yet they pretend, (but we to God refer it)  
What they did was by th' infusion of the Spirit;  
But if it were by a spirit, it was a mad one,  
Or as St. John the Devil calls Abadon:   

86.  
Q. And whence did the perfidious Scots descend?  
A. From the Jews lineage (as I apprehend.)  
For as the Jews by their strange laws (we read)  
Where e'er they came Sedition still did breed;  
Even so the Scottish Clergy by their factions  
Bred in our English Church these late distractions.  
And as the Jews of Concubines kept store,  
So every Scot keeps commonly an whore:  
And as the Jews all swine's flesh held impure,  
So can the Jewish Scots no Pork endure.  
And as the Jews did treacherous Judas pay,  
Our Christ, their Lord and Master to betray,  
And to reign over them would not abide him,  
But (guiltless) with great fury crucified him;  
Even so the Scots our good first Charlemagne,  
Their native King would not permit to reign;  
But Judas-like, when they had him in hold,  
(And might have saved) delivered up for Gold:  
Nay worse than Judas, they would never restore,  
The perditorious hire they had before;  
Nor do repent that execrable deed,  
A stigmatised shame to all their seed:  
No, they'll be hanged first, yet for cursed pelf  
They'll hang themselves, as Judas hanged himself.  
God bless our King from those perfidious Scots,  
And from all Traitor's perditorious Plots;  
And send him long propitiously to Reign  
O'er his Dominions all of Great Britain.   
Amen.   

A merry May Song for this Year of our Lord, 1662. To a pleasant Tune.  

1.  
LEt us sing and rejoice  
With a cheerful voice,  
And unto the Lord let us pray,  
That the heavenly Powers  
Would send down sweet showers,  
To gather the Flowers in the May.   

2.  
Come now fresh Aurora,  
And fair Goddess Flora,  
Clear Phoebus to shine on the earth:  
Come Cynthia bright,  
Play thy Midwife's part right,  
And be aiding all to this new birth.   

3.  
For Tellus it seems  
Once every year teems  
About this month of May;  
She brings forth her birth  
With great joy and mirth,  
And is decked with most Royal Array.   

4.  
Of all times in the Year  
It plain doth appear,  
That May is the chief and the prime:  
The Fawns now are tripping,  
The Lambs and Kids skipping,  
And making all merry pastime.   

5.  
In the pleasant Spring  
The pretty Birds sing,  
Making a sweet Melody;  
They hop, and they fly  
From tree unto tree,  
Delightful to eye and to eye.   

6.  
Let us walk in the Fields,  
And see what May yields,  
Most pleasant and sweet is the Air;  
The Meadows are green,  
And the Leasows are seen  
All over neat, decent, and fair.   

7.  
The fruiful grounds  
With blossoms abounds,  
And fresh colours manifold;  
And are for delight,  
For sent and for sight,  
Most pleasant to behold.   

8.  
The Primrose meet,  
And the Cowslip so sweet,  
The Harebel, the Crows-foot, and Daisy;  
The Bolt upright,  
And the Lady smock-white,  
You may there take up if it please ye.   

9  
Now true Lovers may  
In the fields sport and play,  
And give their sweetheart's a green Gown;  
And who can come to it,  
And Yet will not do it,  
I count him an absolute Clown.   

10.  
In troops now outflies  
The labouring Bees,  
And abroad in the fields they do strive;  
From blossoms and buds  
To gather their Goods,  
And Honey bring home to their Hive.   

11.  
The Philomela sings,  
And the Woods and Groves rings  
With her notes so shrill, pleasant, and pretty;  
And the Cuckoo is glad,  
Though some be horn-mad  
For to hear him in Town or in City.   

12.  
And now let us pray  
To the Lord, that he may  
Bless our good King Charlemagne,  
From Plots and Conspiracies,  
That free from all Heresies  
He may the true Gospel maintain.  
Amen.   
FINIS.   

These Books (with many others) are Printed for M. Wright, at the King's Head in the Old Bailey.  
NAtural Magic, in twenty Books, wherein is set forth all the riches and delights of the Natural Sciences, by John Baptista Porta. in fol.  
The Old Couple, a Comedy, by Tho. May, Esq.  
The History of Dorastus and Faunia.  
The seven Wise Masters.  
Caroll on Job, the ninth Volume.  
Astrological Institutions, being a perfect Isagogue to the whole Art of Astrology.  
17. Sermons preached at the University and at Court, by Rich. Gardiner, D. D. and Chaplain to King Charles the I.  
Christ alone exalted, in fourteen Sermons by Tobias crisp, D. D. being his first Vol.  
The Plain Man's pathway to Heaven, by Arthur Dent.  
Man's Masterpiece, or Meditations, by Sir Peter Temple, Knight.  
The Saints desire, or Divine Consolation, by Sam. Richardson.  
Erasmus de copia verborum.  
The English Improver improved, Or, the Survey of Husbandry surveyed, by Wa. Blithe, etc.