THE PARABLE OF THE TOP-KNOTS.  
Licenced according to Order.  
It was a serene Sunshine Morning that Dame Nature came forth from her Retirements, to take a Survey of her Works, and recreate herself with the Prospect of her own beautiful Image scattered through the Universe: She beheld the Sun, that glorious Fountain of Light casting abroad his Splendours with an unveiled Countenance; but the more modest Moon shrouded above half her Face under a Mask, unwilling to be exposed to the lascivious Eye of every Endymion, she saw the rest of the Planets and Staps bashfully twinkling their innocent Glances at each other, and on all the World; she traversed the Elements, and observed every thing kept the Order which she had first appointed it. But she fixed a more particular Eye on Man, the Masterpiece of all her Works, the Masterless Epitome of the whole Creation; and calling to mind his primitive Perfections, with the Tragical Story of his Fall, she fetched a deep Sigh, which made the Earth to tremble. Whilst she was pensively busied in this Contemplation, I perceived her Brows suddenly knit, and she gave a start, which put all the Elements into a Disorder. Looking about me to see what was the Occasion of this violent Passion, I beheld a LADY passing by her, dressed Cap-a-pe after the present mode: Upon which I heard the Venerable Matron break forth into these Expressions;  
Bless me said she! what uncouth Object is this invades my Eyes! a thing so foreign to all the known Species of Being's! Or am I superannuated and some new Power usurped my Place, to forge the World again, and hammer out such Forms as ne'er before were ranked in the great List of all my Works? Stay thou bold Phantasm! tell me what thou art? With that the Lady turned about, and made her this Answer.  
Lady. You are merrily disposed Madam, and discover the Brilliant of Language in your Expressions: I am pleased with your Raillery; but pray What News from Paris? In what Arroy did the Dauphiness appear last Ball? I am told, my Commode is a Tire too low, as they adjust it at the French Court.  
Mature. Am I adreamed, or has the Multitude of Years impaired my Sight and Judgement? The Voice is Woman's, but for the prating Figure I want a Name; I see a moving Pyramid of Gayities, a walking Toy-shop, a speaking Gallimaufry of Ribbons, Laces, Silks and Jewels, as if some upstart mimic Nature had been at work on purpose to upbraid my Skill and tell me that in framing Woman I left out the Essentials.  
Whilst Dame Nature was thus expostulating the Case with herself, I heard a sudden Noise raised behind me, at which looking that way, I saw Heraclitus Ridens standing in a Corner, ready to break his Twattling string, he was so big with Laughter; 'tis a fine time of day, said he, with Women, when Nature herself will not own 'em, as if she were ashamed of her Productions: Do but mind yonder Lady she has spent five Hours this Morning in Rigging and Careering herself for public Appearance; and I dare be bold to say, you may as soon reckon up the Numerous Tackle of a Ship, as give the true Nomenclature of all the gaudy Whim-whams she wears about her: You would not wonder at me for changing my Note, had you seen, as I did, what pains this little She-Lucifer took to day, to mend the supposed Botchery of Nature in her Face; how she hunted after imaginary Faults in her Cheeks, to find occasion for Black Patches; how she placed and displaced 'em an hundred times over, pursuing the least Spot and Freckle in her Skin to a thousand Dilemmaes. with Wash, Paint and Patch, till tired with the tedious Discipline of her Toilet, she sails forth of her Chamber like a new-launched Vessel with Pendant's and Streamers flying, and all her Female Tackle in order from the Top and Top Gallant to the Humble Keel: Do but regard her Rigging above Deck, and you'd swear she carries Bow-Steeple upon her Head, or the famous Tower of Severus in Rome, which was built seven Ranks of Pillars one above another. Such a lofty Gradation of Top-knots, if it proceeds, will befriend the Carpenters and Bricklayers, for our Gentry and Tradesmen in time will be forced to pull down their low pitched Houses, and take the height of the Stories in the next Structure from the elevated Pageant of Trinkets on their Wives and Daughters Heads, lest these fine Trappings should be Kidnaped from their empty Noddles by an unmannerly Brush of the saucy Ceiling. 'Twould make a Dog split his Halter, to hear the learned Cant between the Mistress and the Maid, when about the important Affair of adjusting her Ladyship's Arroy in a morning; you'd swear they were conjuring, they sputter out such a confused Jargon of hard Words, such a hotchpotch of Mongrel Gibberish: Bring me my Palisade there, quoth Madam: You'd think she were going to encamp. Will it not be convenient to attack your Flandan first, says the Maid? More Anger yet? still Military Terms? Let me see, says Madam, where's my Cornet? Pray carine this Favourite: So, so, good Words; now there's some hopes of Peace, till the blustering Frilal and Burgoign are called for, and then the old Caterwauling begins again?  
There is a Clack of Settees, Passes, Monte lithauts, Crotches, and other Trinkums', would make a Man suspect they are raising the Devil: at last comes the Sur-les-font, and then Madam is completely harnessed for the Play, or the mysterious Ruelle.  
Here Heroclitus made a Digression, at the sight of a Troop of Females that were walking by. These, said he, belong to the inferior Class of Top-knots, they are but one Story high yet. Do but follow 'em, and you'll discover by the Working of their Heads and Tongues, that another is a brooding: I took his Counsel, and keeping at some distance, observed their Motion.  
I wonder, says one of them, why the Men should make such a noise about the innocent Arts we use to win their Affections. They pretend to love us, and yet would confine us to a Dress that would make 'em hate us. Whatsoever is not so gay and polite in the World, is despised and trampled on: We have reason to hold up our Heads, to deck ourselves with all the Ornaments that may create Respect in that wild Race. Why should not an English Commode be as allowable as the Persian Tiara, or the Roman Septi●onium were of old? Away with this servile Restraint! Let us appear like Amazons, defy the men, and all their grave Preachments, or lighter Pasquil's, I am resolved to be in the mode, though it should put me to the charge of maintaining a Negro to support the Monumental Umbretta on my Head. With that Dame Nature steps up to her, and thus addressed.  
When I first moulded Woman, and sublimated her from the grosser Ore, I drew into that fair Compendium all thr visible Perfections of the Creation; In her native simplicity she glittered with Rays and Charms, that dazzled all Eyes: Nothing so savage or untained, that did not pay an Homage to her conquering Beauty. She needed no other Ornament than the lustre which flowed from her untainted Virtue. How comes it to pass thot she has lost her Diadem? and seeks in vain, to regain the shattered remnants of her former Glory, by borrowing from every Trifle, some counterfeit perfection to set her off? You are but the Milliner's Machine, joined together by Chambermaids efficious hands. A mere Chaos of needless Manufactures jumbled into the perfect Figure of a Woman.  
The Lady that had first occasioned Madam Natures surprise, and all this Discourse, had not patience to hear any more, but looking on her Watch that was attached to her Crotchet, made her a Revoir to the Company, excusing her abrupt departure, by telling them, 'twas time to go to the Play house. Upon which the young Fry of Top-knots buttoning up their Mouths in a most charmant manner, begged of her Ladyship to vindicate the common Cause against this Clownish old Beldame, that had made such a Coil about their Habiliments (for they had got that modish word by the end too.). The Lady fond of the Character of a good natured Woman, took up the Cudgels, and turning to Dame Nature, spoke to her after this manner.  
Prithee don't trouble thy head old Gentlewoman, said she, about the present Mode; the World is grown more refined and polite since your Youthful days: Women are not mewed up in the Nursery, as in Queen Elizabeth's time, but have Liberty of Conversation; we are more Eveille (as I may say) than formerly weaned from the Winter-tales of the Chimney Corners, and learning the Modes abroad, and Customs of more civilised Matrons. We had been absolutely barbarous, had it not been for the Conquest of the Romans: And we should be little amended now, were it not for the Neighbourhood of the more accomplished French. I am in love with that genteel Nation: ma Foy.  
Ma Foy said Heraclitus laughing, you are much in the right on't. I ever said the fondness of our English Women would make us Slaves to France; nothing but French will go down with us. We Eat, Drink, and Sleep in plain English, but we manage the rest of our Actions in French. We Love and Hate A-la-mode de Paris: We serve our King and Country A-la-mode de Paris: We walk, talk, dance and Sing A lamode de Paris. In fine, we do all things en Cavalier, or A-la-mode de Paris, (which you will) being resolved to bring in the French King by Head and Shoulders, rather than stand idle. And as for Names, Fashions, and other Whim-whams, brought over from France; they are but as so many Introductions of the forlorn hope of a French Army, the Grooms of the wooden Horse that conceals the secret Enemies and Betrayers of our Ancient Liberties and Properties.  
When Heraclitus had done, a Body would have thought it was my turn to hold forth next, who had said nothing in this Company all the while; but I was ever kind to the Ladies, and seeing her run down by the Multitude, and Noise of her Antagonists, I had not the Heart to side with the strongest Party, though I judged all to be truth they said; but seeing the Lady ready to depart, I very fairly offered her my hand: Had she accepted my Kindness, I believe it had been better for her Headgear; for just as she cast a scornful Eye on me, telling me withal, That she loved no Neuters, all her Capital Gimcracks were caught off at once from her Head by an unmannerly Bough of a Tree that hung over her, as she was deserting; which cross-grained Accident exposed her Ladyship's Baldpate to the open View of her Enemy, my old Grandam, so that I had much ado with all the dexterity and haste I could make, to rescue her pendant Helmet time enough to attack it to her Skull before some Bullies came up to us, o whom you shall hear in the next.   

Advertisements.  
THE Parable of the Puppies: Or, The Top-knots Vindicated, will be published next Wednesday. Printed for T. Burdet.  
Religio Bibliopolae, in imitation of Dr. Brown's Religio Medici, also will be published next Week: written by the Author of this Paper.  
The History of the Royal Congress at the Hague, with the Names, Characters, and Equipage of the Sovereign Princes that compose this most August Assembly, together with an Account of the Glorious Canopy and Chair of State. The several curious and admirable Fireworks, the many triumphal Arches, with the other vast Preparations made for his Majesty of Great Britain, with an exact Draught of the manner of King William's entering into the Hague, and reception by the States-General. Translated from the Dutch Copy, Printed at Leyden.  
An Account of the late horrid Conspiracy to depose their present Majesty's King William and Queen Mary, to bring in the French and the late King James, and ruin the City of London. Also some brief Reflections on the Trials of the Lord Preston and Mr. Ashton. By a Gentleman who was present at those Trials.  
Remarks upon the Life, Trial, and Acquitment of Arthur Earl of Torrington.  
A Penitentiary Sermon preached upon two young persons doing Penance in a public Congregation; to which is added an accurate Treatise of Fornication; written upon an extraordinary occasion, by W. Barlow, M. A.  
The Wonders of Freegrace, or a Complete History of all the Remarkable Penitents that have been Executed at Tyburn for these last 30 years; with a Sermon preached in the hearing of a Condemned Malefactor.  
The Third Volume of the Pocket Library, (completing the two former) containing a further account of the Author's Juvenile Rambles, with his first Project of Girdling the World.  
The Triennial Mayor: Or, The New Rapperees, A satire. Price 6 d.  
The Anti-Weesils, a Poem, price 6 d.  
The Vanity and Impiety of judicial Astrology, by Francis Crowe, M. A.