THE English Jeroboam: OR, THE PROTESTANT Reforming Magistrate, And What the Church of England May Expect from such a One. Precisely Characterised by a Transformed Churchwarden, at a Vestry-Consultation, held upon the Putting in Execution the Laws against Seditious Conventicles. Being London's Caveat, in Electing Magistrates.  Diruit aedificat mutat quadrata Rotundis. 
LONDON, Printed for Walter Davies, in Amen-Corner, near Pate-Noster-Row, 1683.   

TO ALL English Protestants, By what Names or Titles soever Dignified and Distinguished.  Qui Consulta Patrum, qui Leges Juraque Servantes. 
Worthy (if Loyal) Sirs,  
IT is Recorded by Knowls, in his History of the Turkish Empire, That Uladislaus, King of Hungary, having made a Truce with Amurath the Second. (Sixth King of the Turks) Sealed and Sworn to him in the Name of Christ, in a little Time violated his said League, waged War against him, gave him Battle at Varna, and was like to rout him: Upon which Occasion, and extreme Danger, Amurath beholding the Picture of the Crucifix in the displayed Ensigns of the Christians, plucked the Writing out of his Bosom, wherein the late League was comprised; and holding it in his Hands, with his Eyes lifted up to Heaven, said; Behold thou Crucified Christ, this is the League, thy Christians, in thy Name, made with me, which they have without any Cause violated. Now, if thou be a God, which they say thou art, and as we dream, Revenge the Wrong now done unto thy Name and Me, and show thy Power upon thy Perjurious People, who in their Deeds deny Thee their God. Upon the uttering of which Words, the Battle presently turned, and those Perjured Persons (the Authors of the Breach of Oath) were slain, and the Army totally routed. An Example hugely applicable to our present Swearers, and Test-takers; and was it generally weighed, would awaken a great many of our pretended Protestant Christians out of that Jesuitical Lethargy, in which they miserably indulge themselves.  
There is no kind of Men (say one of their Late Saint ships) can be such complete and neat Knaves, as a Jesuit, a Pharisee, and an Old (well-studied) Professor of Religion: when once men's Consciences are defiled, and they begin to trade in the World with a Pretence, that 'tis for God, they are so cunning that no Bonds of Honesty and Faith can possibly hold them.  
Oaths (the main Pillars of Humane Societies, the greatest Determiners of Controversies) are in these times so strangely violated, and most impudently profaned, as if they were but Bugbears to fright Children into Obedience. Nay, to show what great Children our Magistrates are, or to expose them as such, an Ecclaircissement, or clearing of those Oaths of Allegiance and Supremacy, to be taken by them at their entering into their Offices, is Stated, and laid down, according to Conscience and Religion, how far they might take them Salva Conscientia. But was Indignum patella Operculum, a Case not fitly made, and soon was Vn-Cased. And certainly, that Religion must needs be degenerated and apostatised, which God in his Wrath has appointed (as an Engine) to break down these great Bulwarks of the World, Oaths.  
Solemn Oaths are able to hold most Men's Consciences; but Men heightened by Religion into the Forms of the Spirit, doing things by immediate Direction from God, carrying a Glorious presence of God before them, affirming that they are called by God to do some special Signal Work in the World; these can easily mount above the highest sorts of Oaths, and trample them under Foot presently. Such is the Case of our Reforming Jeroboam; The Religion Established in Jerusalem was too great an Obligation to them, to revere that Authority by whose Laws it was first Established: It taught them too much the Sacred Ordinances of Loyalty to their Sovereign Prince; 'Twould be a snare to them to go to Jerusalem to Worship, lest it should invite them to entertain Loyal Thoughts of re-acknowledging their first Lord. A couple of Calf's nearer home, would serve for the Vulgar to Worship, and he no sooner thought on't; but they were such Calves as to accept the Offer, and Idolatrous Bethel and Dan, are as zealously followed, as Jerusalem, the true place of Worship: and this Jeroboam did, notwithstanding a Trible Obligation to the contrary, by Three several Oaths: 1. When he Swore Allegiance to his Prince, as a private Person. 2. At his entrance into his Inferior Office, as Ruler over a particular Part of the Royal Estate, the House of Joseph. 3. At his Coronation, as Supreme Magistrate afterwards. And this became a Sin ever after to Israel.  
'Tis the same with our modern Reformers: They cant as Religiously as Protestants take the Oaths of Allegiance and Supremacy, and as cunningly as Jesuits evade their Observance. They can Swear not to alter or endeavour Directly or Indirectly the Alteration of the Government in Church and State; yet are ready to erect a Conventicle, before a Church, or pull a Temple down, to build a Bethel up. They can Swear to Discover, and to their Power dissipate any Meeting or Conventicle, which shall be convened contrary to the Laws, and the Practice of the Church, and yet so treacherous are their Memories, that they forget it; and alas! through inadvertency, (or I know not what) were strangely overtaken, and found Members of such Meetings.  
Themistocles, (as Plutarch reports in his Life) used to say, That Athens ruled all Greece, He ruled all Athen's His Wife ruled him, and his young Child at home ruled her: So may it be tartly (and truly) said at this time; This City Rules all England, Magistrates Rules the City, the Wives Rule the Magistrates, and the Lecturers Rule them.  
No sooner doth Aaron bid the Women to bring their Jewels and Earrings of their Sons and Daughters, unto him ('tis no matter to say further; hold, Aaron, do not tell them, 'tis to make a Calf) but the Widows press to cast in their Mites, the Married Wives their Wedding-Rings, the Zealous Virgins their whole Stock, to their Silver-Bodkins. Such Influence have these Architects of Sedition, to procure their Materials towards their Babel-building.  
The Historian tells us of a Speech; which Pontius Telesinius used to a Roman General; who, when he saw him busied in delivering Italy from Thiefs and Robbers, told him, that he did well to scour the Country; but Italy would never want Wolves, so long as there was such a Spacious Forest, as the Great City of Rome, to retire unto. The Application of which is so obvious, as need nothing to be added therein. Purge the Fountain, and the Streams will run clear.  
Such, in short, is the Composition of the Times, wherein our Reformer has the Fortune to appear on his Stage. A Time, that God Rains Snares upon the whole Land, suffering Men to act little else but Obliquities, Illegalities, Absurdities, and self Disappointments; a Time, wherein Satan hath set the Land on Fire, and like Nero, sits on his Turret, making Music with his Instruments; his Religiously profane Lying Pamphleteers, that every Man may dance Antique over his Brothers Head. It is a Proverb not to be neglected, That he that danceth when the Devil Pipes, shall certainly break his Shins, if he hath not the luck to save them whole, by breaking his Neck. Wise Men will not Travel in a Night, when the Air is full of Ignes Fatui, nor a Sober Mariner hoist up all his Sails, when the Winds blow in all Quarters.  
Gentlemen, Through all these Disadvantages our Protestant Reformer ventures to appear, hoping he shall find acceptance with some, though not with all, whose Interest it may be to reject him. But this he promises; That if his proposed Church-Reformation be at all encouraged, he will venture next at the State. However, lest you should question his Person and Parts, I have sent you by him, a friendly Character of him.  

HE is One, he knows not what Himself, if you ask him; but is, indeed, One of God's Judgements. He is the Epitome or Abridgement of the Age; in him the Age is seen; and without him, the Times are not. Observe him in his taking his Degrees; from his Shop to the Chair of Church-Guardian. Here he tells you lies by rote, and not minding, as the Phrase to sell in, and the Language he spent most of his Years to learn. He is an arrogant Commender of his own Wares; for what soever he shows you, is the Best in the Town, though the Worst in his Shop. He never speaks so much Truth, as when he tells you, he would use you as his Brother; because he would abuse his Brother. His Religion is much in the nature of his Customers, and indeed the Pander to it; and, by a misinterpreted Sense of Scripture, makes a Gain of Godliness. Thus his Honesty having gotten him a Name, the Parish thinks him able to carry a Constable's Staff, and become a King's Officer. Under this Title he swells, and looks big; and environed with a Guard of Halberds, sitting in his Chair of State, a shop-stall, peremptorily examines Nightwalkers. He is a Scarecrow to all Alehouses, where he is a great Stickler in a Tumult of Quart-pots, and ventures his Head by his Place, which is broke many times, to keep the King's Peace. He is strangely startled at the appearing of an Informer, whom he is ready to secure, upon their presenting a Conventicle-Warrant; but he is as ready to let it alone in God's Name, as he is to apprehend a Drunkard for not standing in the King's Name: And Men esteem him for this a Zealous Affectionate; but then do mistake him, for he does it but to be esteemed so. Thus he becomes a Man of Business; and, if you would find him now, it must be at some Coffeehouse, which is his Ears Brothel, which satisfies his Itch. His Company here, all Men without Exception; but the Principal are Old Captains out of Service, discontented Officers, Men of long Rapiers; which, after all, turn Merchants, and traffic here for News. Some make it a Preface to their Dinner. Others make it their Ordinary, and board here very cheap. In fine, 'Tis the Rendezvous of Spitting, where men dialogue with their Noses, and their Communication is Smoke. Here it is, you may find our Viceroy or Constable; where he gravely discourses of the Government. He converses with you, as if he was in Spain; for if you are inquisitive, he fears you as the Inquisition, and Suspects your Questions for Examinations. He delivers you Common Matters with great Conjuration of Silence, and whispers you in the Ear, Acts of Parliament. He is one that lies kindly to you, and for good Fashion-sake, and 'tis discourtesy in you to believe him. His Words finely set together, equally serve all men, and equally to no purpose. He kisses your Hands, as he did the last he met, and is your Servant to be commanded; but you shall entreat of him Nothing. His Proffers are universal and general, with Exceptions against all Particulars: He will do any thing for you; but if you urge him to This, he cannot; or to That, he is engaged; but he will do any thing. Promises he accounts but a king of mannerly Words; and in the expectation of your Manners, not to exact them; if you do, he wonders at your ill Breeding, that cannot distinguish between what is spoken, and what is meant. Public Invitations he will not wrong with his Absence, and is the best Witness of the Sheriff's Hospitality; where he talks Rebellion in a Bravery, and speaks big from the Spirit of Sack. Religion being now much in Vogue, he becomes enamoured with the Church: His Devotion there, is much in the turning up his Eye, and turns down the leaf in his Bible, when he hears named Chapter and verse: When he comes home, he commends the Sermon for the Scripture, and two Hours. He is so taken up with Faith that he has no room for Charity; and understands no Good Works, but what he has in his Shop. He Overflows so with the Bible, that he spills it one every occasion; and will not cudgel his Boys, without Scripture. He is One, that thinks he performs all his Duty to God in Hearing, and shows the fruits of it in Talking. He is a main Derider to his Capacity, of those that are not his Preachers; and censures all Sermons, but bad Ones. He accounts nothing Vices but Superstition, and an Oath. He expounds the Priests of Baal, Reading Ministers; and thinks the Salvation of the Parish, as desperate as the Turks. But now by the Grace of God, and his supposed Sufficiency, the Parish thought him a fit Person to manage that great Office of Church Warden; wherein he employs his Zeal, for the Reformation of it, according to the right Old Frame; Where I leave him; the Church into a Conventicle, Conformity into Nonconformity, and Uniformity into Deformity.    

THE English Jeroboam, etc.  
THE Vestry being fully Convened, and Liberty of Speech being the Undoubted Privilege of all Assemblies, our Churchwarden or Reformer, with a serious composed Gravity, lays open the Present State of the Church, and the necessary Resolution he had taken for Reforming it, in the following Emphatical Oration.  
IT was a Blessed Easter (Brethren,) that raised me up again to this Ponderous Service; and if any Feast be Worthy of Annual Solemnity, my Vote is, That the Feast of Easter (though Movable) shall stand fast for ever. Antiquity tells me, That the Office Gardianis Ecclesiae, is an Office instituted and dignified by the Fundamental, Known, Common, and Statute Laws of this Kingdom; (as for the Civil and Canon Laws, I have held them execrable, ever since the High-Commission departed with a Duck in the Mouth on't, and the Imposition of the Sacred Solemn League and Covenant) and this Honour is not to be conferred upon any, but such as are Judicious and Fidele, and able to employ (Courageously, Sincerely and Conscientiously) the Common Stock of Treasure, and Discretion belonging to the Parish.  
It is not, I conceive, yet out of Your Memory, how accurately I heretofore steered the Affairs of Parochial Government; nor out of Mine, with what Alacrity you submitted to it. My Deportment then (correspondent to Those Times) was a fair Character of Square Dealing; and was, I presume, a prime Motive to your Thundering Acclamations, in re-electing me the Principal Reformado of this Ecclesiastical Policy. In the exact Execution whereof, I intent with the Assistance of my younger Brother, (whom I shall well Educate for the Next Year) to use such Precise Diligence, as may cashier many Fears and Jealousies, and settle many things (hitherto incomposed) in such a graceful Posture, that the Trust of you, that confide in me, shall not in the least Scruple be abused. But you must remember the Old Word, Distingue Tempora; and then (regarding the Turning round of the Times), you will conceive, that the Wind sits in another Corner; and I must move by other Rules, than formerly: for I am now more Spiritually Illuminated, and possessed with Sounder Principles. The Civil-Law is disregarded, and its Authority and Power stoutly disputed, by our Goliath from Colchester, so that we shall see the Canons (Old and New) recoil on the Canoniers; the numerous Army of Articles routed; the Oath ex Officio put out of Office; and the bottomless &c Oath is swallowed up. The Case thus standing, and that you may have a right Understanding of your Moderator, take an Epitome of my Resolution; but withal, take this  Advertisement along with you.  

First, That I will follow the present Fashion so far in my Discourse, as to keep No Order.  
Secondly, That my Interspersion of Latin, shall no way Authorise the use of that Beastial Language in the Pulpit.  
Thirdly, That if my Phrase transcend your plumbeous Capacity, esteem it the Fruit of my Liberal Education, before I ever handled the Shears, or fingered the Thimble.  
Fourthly, That you, who (for solid Edification) fall so nimbly to your Brachigraphy, shall not let this Oration pass Grub-street, without my Approbation, nor (if it may be) until a Sweet Panegyric of my Sister Hannah's Composing, may be annexed unto it.   
I begin with the Weathercock; which is an imminent, gilded, hollow, craking, combed, and variable Creature; and doth so wonderfully Sympathise with me in All, and with the present Turning Times, in Some special respects, that I do Order it to Continue Statu quo prius; and the Four Fanes adorned with the initial Letters of my unspotted Name, shall be sedulous Attendants upon it in my Livery, to go which way soever it goes.  
From the Weathercock, I should immediately have fallen upon the Leads, but an Iron Cross hinders me in my way; which (with all other Crosses movable) shall be abolished, that nothing may go Cross in our Designs.  
The Leads I find Profaned with the Images of corrupt Hands, irregular Feet, and with unsanctified Names; they shall therefore be Removed, Purified with Fire, and Converted into Bullets, to button the Bosoms of the Common Adversary, and to seal up the Brazen Foreheads, of the Formidable Tories.  
This being Dispatched, I have made a fair Thorow-fair to the Bells, which indeed had been out of Frame long since, were it not that sometimes they Ring the Changes (sweetly consenting therein with me,) and sometimes Audaciously proclaim an unknown Victory to the Over-credulous, or the Unwelcome Coming of the Tories Alumna, and the like; which inflames all their Zeal and Faggots in an instant. There is an Impeachment, as strong as a threefold Cord, against four of the Bells.  

First, They were Baptised before the Years of Discretion.  
Secondly, Three times a Day they Pollute the Tune of the Fourth Psalm.  
Thirdly, They have Idolatrous Inscriptions upon them; as (with a little of the Sexton's help) I have curiously discovered; For upon the First Bell there is Peccatoris; on the Second, Mei; on the Third, Miserere; Domine, on the Fourth.   
Now, judge you, Brethren (who would seem, peradventure, to be as wise as your Officer in chief) is not Domine Miserere mei peccatoris, notorious and gross Idolatry? Are those words fit to be uttered by a Professor, unless it be with an Holy Detestation of such Puddle? Ah! I see by the Devout shaking of your Heads, that your Brains are troubled about it, that your Hearts abhor, and ache to think upon such rotten Trash. Well, it is high time, that these four be no longer Hanged, but Drawn and Quartered; that they, with the abominable Brass upon the Monument of our Idolatrous Ancestors (I pass not though an Old Aunt of mine lies mouldering under one of them) may concur for the making of Ordinance, to batter down the Posterity of their Donors. The Wheels (being but Hemicircular) shall hang there like Meteors between Heaven and Earth; but the Ropes may serve the next Sessions, at the Wooden Tripod, a Mile out of the Town, for the use of those that will not Stretch their Endeavours for Whiggism, or the Good Old Cause. The Liberties of the Daws, (our Beloved Allies) will by this means, be enlarged; and we will further Confirm their Incorporation, that from time to time they may make such Ordinances, as are Consistent with the Privileges of their House, and conducible to the Bene esse of their Common Wealth; keeping their Courts ad Libitum, in the upper Region of the Tower, as we do Here in the Vestry.  
The Clock and Dial, because they go Round, shall take their usual Course; only by a Pious Fraud, they shall go somewhat Earlier in the Morning, and Later at Night, than Truth would admit of; Only to Revenge myself on Three crook-legged Youths of mine, who had rather encounter with a whole Briggade of whigs, than move a yards Length against a Tory: Rogues, as they are, were out all Night, making Bonfires, and Drinking Hazza's to the Duke; but I'll warrant—  
I have dwelled somewhat long in the Steeple; Now we will come to Church; where in the First Place, I see the Font taking up so much room, that would be capable of two double Taffeta Gowns; which, I confess, I should not so strictly have observed, had not the Discontented Yoke-Fellows of my Dyer and Hot-Presser, which are Crowded up behind the Door, drawn me to it. Away with it; this Font is abominable, a Basin will be more apt for the Service. And those Lofty Pews, which are higher by the Head and Shoulders, than their Inferiors, shall be Circumcised, that our Grave Matrons, and Sweet Heavenly minded Sisters, (whose Posture, turning their Faces Westward, is most Amiable) may have a more cheerful Influence upon Us their Governors.  
The Pulpit (in respect of the Form of it, being almost Round) is Tolerable; although my Neighbour Zachary the Cooper (a precious Vessel) could fashion out One more seemly, and to better purpose; but the Situation of it shall suffer a Reformation, and at the Parish Charge it shall be secured with a Substantial Padlock, lest they, whom the mere Natural Man calls Profound, Pious, Loyal, and Orthodox Divines, should saucily any longer intrude it. I can partly tell you the Poor Condition of those silly Priests: As soon as they ascend the Pulpit, they fall on their Knees for Divine Assistance, as if they could not be Cocksure of it at all times: Then they have a Premeditated Prayer, not much exceeding a quarter of an Hour, wherein they Petition for Peace and Unity, and Pray for Kings, Queens, and Princes, and such like kind of People, (though they know them Popish, (as our somuch feared Successor is;) and then supplicate Our Saviour Christ for Choice Blessings upon Arch-Bishops and Bishops, whom we have found (by the Spirit that we lead about us) to be strongest Lambs of Antichrist. After this Mess, comes the Sermon; which is the greatest part of a Weeks Study (Written perhaps over and over) yet may be delivered in an Hour. Their Conclusions, which we are neither able, nor willing to understand, are confirmed by Scripture, Fathers, and Reason: They consult with the Original Tongues, and such Authors as are called Authentic and Classical, fetching their Water from the Primitive Spring, because they (empty Casks) think they cannot have as pure nearer Home. So, by their great skill in Divinity, gracefully attended (forsooth) with Variety of Humane Learning, they will exhort us to Study to be Quiet, to Try the Spirits, to be Charitable, Moderate, Obedient to the Higher Powers, and to do things According to Order; with a great deal of such hungry thin Stuff. I have utterly done with Them and Theirs; and am hearty overjoyed, that I have ever thought of this Happy Padlock. But of this, more at large by and by in its due Place.  
The Pulpit-Cloath was the Legacy of a Blind Zealot, as appears by that Jesuitical Badge (J. H. S.) upon it; for, as some of Our Learned Professors do conceive, J. Signifies Idolatry, H. Heresy, and S. Superstition. Oh, here's good Work! What but flat Popery can be expected from a Pulpit apparel do with such a Livery? These Letters of Gold shall be delivered to the Finer, to make Silver withal; and the Velvet (because it deserves a better Wardrobe, and the costly Infirmities of the Testator should be hidden by our Christian Charity) shall be Converted into Window-Cushions, for my new Reformed Parlour; where I intent frequently to entertain those Immaculate Assemblies, which the Unregenerate call Conventicles.  
The Hourglass shall be turned out of Doors; for our Extemporary Teachers, may not keep time with Clock or Glass; and so, when they are out, (which is not very seldom) they can take leisure to come in again: whereas, they that measure their Meditations by the Hour, are often gravelled, by complying with the Sand.  
The Communion-Table hath since 1660, regained its Ancient Name and Sire; and (had I my mind) our nimble jointed Mass-Priests shall never be suffered to Offer or Cringe there any Longer. But I will be bold with the Round Pillars, that environ it, (when the Leprous Superstition is scraped off) to make an Impregnable Fence for my Hospitable Buttery. The Plate that is there so Decently placed, I know to what Furnace it might be conveyed, to what Use and Form converted, and by what Means Multiplied, and faithfully Secured: But there is such a Noli me Tangere upon it, that I dare not finger the Twentieth Part of it. But as for the Velvet-Cloath, adorned with the Jesuits Badge, and the Silver and Gold Embroidered Glory about it, I shall put to a more Sanctified Use, with the Pulpit-Cloath.  
The Organs are of Levitical or Popish Institution, and like the breath of a Basilisk; they deter hence the Two prime Grandees of the Parish, (the most Celestial Almanac-maker, and the Best Tempered Potter, that ever lived by Heaven and Earth. They drown the Virgin-Melody of the Galleries, and Middle Alley, and against our Wills bring our Confused Notes into Order; Therefore though I adventure my Neck (as that Desperado did in Worcester Cathedral, and his Predecessor at Cheap-side-Cross) I will set them such a flat, that shall lay them Breathless on the Pavement. This Romish Merchandise will yield good English Coin at Paul's, or the next Cathedral that is not Bankrupt.  
The Table of Degrees, Prohibited in Marriage, is obsolete, and so is marriage itself, as here it hath been used; for I see no ground to the contrary: but when all things are Common (as they ought to be) a Man may Marry, whom, when, and how often, as he will. This is a very short, but a sweet and comfortable Doctrine to you, (my Dear and Attentive Auditory) and so the sudden pricking up of your Ears doth assure me.  
Let us now take a little survey of our Church-Books: The Bible (which always comes first to my sight and handling) hath a dangerous Apocryphal Obstruction in the very Bowels of it, which is of a very Malignant Influence upon the whole Body. This is Composed of such Histories as bind not our Credence, and Morality which shall not be the Rule of our Practice; it must needs be presently Expurged. Yea, the Canon itself, in respect of Translation, is not free from Infirmity (and indeed, it is no Marvel, since so many Mitred Heads had their Heads in the doing of it.) The Geneva Version is far beyond it. But Old Hugh Broughton, if he might have been suffered, had exceeded them both. A Learned Synod (and what d'ye think of another Assembly of Divines, without either Root or Branch of Episcopacy?) must be the only Aesculapius, that must cure this Evil.  
The Errata of the Book of Common-Prayer (as some call it) or rather the Lethargy of the Church of England, were they expressed at Large, would over-bulk the Bible: Yet the Ravenous Esau's of the World, had rather lose all their Liberties and Properties (which are their Birthright) than one Mess of this Red and Black Pottage. I will not contaminate my Lips, nor abuse your chaste Ears with so much as naming any Errors that are in it; but refer you to Rabbi Lewis Hughes (the Glory of the last British Druids) and divers others, who have already smitten this Belphegor under the Fifth Rib. It further behoves us, that the Singing-Psalmes be rescued from the Back of such a Monster, and from those other Humane Inventions, Te Deum, Da Pacem Domine, & Quicunque vult: But whosoever will that any (but the 150. Psalms) be continued, may do well, in my Understanding, to defend Robert Wisdom's, Preserve us Lord.  
There is an Error in John Jewell's Works, but it is an Error with a Witness; and although it be Palliated over Jure Divino, yet it is instar omnium errorum and hath in it the Spawn of all Abominations: It is beyond pity, that such a Gem should be defiled with so base a Cognizance; He was a Bishop: The very word Bishop, (I fear, I offend in naming it so often) imparts all the Mischiefs, that are destructive to a Common Church or State. Your Holy Indignation (Brethren) is well expressed by the present Groan of your Spirits; but be comforted; for these stall-fed Lordly Prelates must come to their Fatal Banquet. Erasmus his Paraphrase hath found the more Favour hitherto at my Hands, because he sometime wrote a Tract in the praise of Foolishness. But when I remember some Popish Passages in his Colloquies, which I read when I was at Merchant-Taylors-School, I cannot well resent his Best Labours. The Book of Deus et Rex, is a Pamphlet quite out of my Books, merely for the Oaths-sake that is in it. These Oaths of Supremacy and Allegiance are binding Things; the Latter was imposed upon me, when I was a Novice; and it hath so hampered me these Three Years last passed, that I would fain (if possible) cast off these Manacles; for it is almost Hell itself, to us whigs, to be so pinioned.  
The Book of Thirty Nine Articles is in many things diametrically Opposite to our Fundamental Principles; it must necessarily be withdrawn, or farewell our Diana for ever. All the aforenamed Corrupt Volumes shall be Translated out of the Church, and all the Isles thereof into Little Britain, or else into Smithfield.  
We have but one Manuscript, (I mean, the Register) and that must be Corrected; for the Names of all those that are Crossed in their Baptism, Ringed in their Marriage, or Prayed over at their Burial, shall be canceled. No Names henceforth shall be engrossed, unless they were first Registered in Holy Writ: Nor will we keep a Record of the Names of Strange Preachers any more; for they may deliver Good Doctrine in the City, who never had Orders, or good Name in the Country.  
The Parish Cash yet, is ready to my hand; and I will presume to seize upon a fleece of it, to maintain at the Church Door a guard of Long-tailed Vociferadoes; lest the Conjuring Littany should rush in upon the Fourth and Sixth day of the Week (heathenishly called Wednesday & Friday) that Prayers be not read against Pride, Vain Glory and Hypocrisy, etc. And lest the Babylonian Garment (the Surplice) be shouldered in amongst us; for to Professors of our Profession, no Smock is more Odious, than that of the Whore of Rome; nor any Petitions more terrible, than those that would oblitterate our Principal Character.  
Some of our dim-eyed Ancestors could see unhappily, to make their Simplicity Legible upon the Church-Walls, by setting up the Lord's Prayer, (as they termed it) which is too narrow a Directory, or Summary of our Petitions: The Ten Commandments, which are not (I conceive) absolutely Obligatory now under the Gospel; and the Creed, which is not (I believe) Apostolical, nor am I bound to stand to't. These shall, in Good Manners, give the Wall to Choicer Scriptures; and I will be the Master of the Sentences, to Select them.  
The taking down of Popish Pictures out of the Windows, and bringing them (by a Legal Trial), to a Second Martyrdom, was a Laudable and Transparent Work of One of my Brother-Church-Wardens. I wonder some of our Zealous Predecessors, of the Late Times (I mean, Fifty) had not done it, and saved him that Labour: But, Nil simul inventum & perfectum, Rome was not Built in one Day; nor could they be demolished all in one Year, nor Two Years, There are some pretty Scandalous Babies still left in East-Windows of some Churches, with trim Coats on, and an Orient Lustre about their Heads. I remember now, I asked our Sexton's Grandam one Day, what they were; and especially, One I took great notice of? She told me, it was our Blessed Lady; but truly, if she were my Mother, and as high as Heaven, I will (as Duty binds me) make her kiss her Mother Earth again. And the Angels on the Roof of the Church (though they cost Five Shillings a piece the Gild) shall have their Wings clipped, and fall down to salute her.  
Queen Elizabeth's Monument was put up when the Royal Government had fairer credit amongst us, than now; and her Epitaph was one of my Brother J's best Poems, before he abjured the University, or had a thought of New-England. I have had no small struggling within me, about the Toleration or Abolition of this Statue; and, at last, have resolved it shall continue; but with a Curtain to Veil it, that we may regard or disregard it at our pleasure. For methinks, in Forty Four Years Reign, she might (if she pleased) have baited the Beast of Rome, to better purpose, and wrought a more through Reformation; yet, (notwithstanding Her Majesty's Omissions, of sorrowful Memory) if her Successor King James had not been too Wise and Learned, as well as too Peaceable, for our Generation, and his Divines too Sinewy for ours too grapple with at Hampton Court, we had finished that Work long ago. We shall never meet with such an Opportunity to do, since Forty One, as Now. Plots and Conspiracies can now be glibly swallowed under the Mask of Religion and Liberties, which we may justify to be Popish, and to come from Rome, instead of Geneva; and while we pretend to thrust out Popery, we may bring in Whiggisme, alias, the True Protestant Presbyterian.  
The Escutcheons that are quartered over our Heads in the Body of the Church, are Emblems of those Honours, which some of our Noble Progenitors purchased with the Hazard of their Blood, in Defence of Religion, known Laws, and Liberty of the Subject. I will give them leave to be Hanged. But when I take notice of the Royal Arms, and their Motto (Beati pacifici) I cannot, for the present, but entertain some Mutinous, Disloyal, Rebellious Thoughts, and a Furious Zeal would soon drive them into Action, were it not that Conscience, Allegiance, and Honi Soit upon the Blue Garter, did countermand it.  
Some Alterations would be of Postures and Names, as well as Things. For truly, I cannot with an Upright Conscience, condescend to Kneeling at the Sacrament: We are not required to be so Flexible in a Superstitious Adoration: My Advice is, That we sit Familiarly, (as we did in the Late Free Time of Liberty) or stand to't courageously: Nor ought our Gesture to be the same now, at the Gospel, Creed, or Glory be to the Father, etc. As it was in the Beginning. These, and other like Gesticulations, came first into this Country, from the City which stands on Seven Hills; and thither (with all such Baggage) let them trudge again.  
As for Names, I see no Warrant, but under the Man of Sin's own Seal, that this Church should be called St. Clement's; nor indeed (as I have learned since I was enlightened) that it should be called a Church. We only can discern, who are Saints, who Reprobates; and it is not hard to find, who, and what this Clement was, and yet deal gently with him.  
But in this particular (my dear Brethren) we must have a Reformation, and Order the Parish Clerks to pass it in their Weekly Bills, and those Roman Harlots who cry St. Thomas Onions (knowing such Egyptian Roots cannot be Sanctified) shall be punished; and this to be as Zealously done, as he that lashed a Carr-man, for whistling the Tune of a Psalm to his Horse. The Law shall be the same concerning St. John's Wort, and Carduus Benedictus. As for this Building, which (now lately again) we have ignorantly called a Church; it is, indeed, but an Old Pile of Stones; it was built at the Charge of those, who vainly thought a Decent Barn or Stable too homely for a Christian Synagogue, and was Consecrated (saving your Presence) by some Old Prelate, as superstitious as the Founders. The Verity of it is, We are the Church, and this Fabric (till we are otherwise provided) is but a Meeting-place; where (to our Grief) there is too often a Miserable Mixture of the Profane with the Godly. For Redress whereof, there is no other way, than (in a Tumultuous Fashion) to repeat the Presenting of Petitions for Liberty of Conscience, and the speedy Session of a Godly, true Protestant Parliament.  
I promised you even now somewhat of my Opinion (my Dear Beloved) concerning the Reformation of the Church in its Ministers, or Clergy: Now, give me leave (by your Patience) to deliver it unto you; which I will do with as good and pious an Emphasis, as I can; who desire to spend myself, and be spent in the Service of God, my King and Kingdom.  
That the present Church-Government by Arch-Bishops, Bishops, their Chancellors, Commissaries, Deans, Arch-Deacons, and other Ecclesiastical Officers, depending upon the Hierarchy, is evil and justly offensive, and burdensome to the Kingdom, a great Impediment, (observe this, I say— mark—) a great Impediment to our Reformation, and the further Growth of our Religion, (if I may so say) and therefore to be taken away: For (I say For— here's the Reason) they have been, and are entrusted with the Care and Provision of the Souls of King and People, to heed, feed, and watch over them; and, as Ambassadors, to attend their great Embassy from God to Man, for Reconciliation; and Preach, or cause to be Preached, by Able and Faithful Men, the Word of God in Season, and out of Season: They have done just contrary, run counter to all This; and this by Two manner of ways: First, They have neglected their Personal Execution of their Trust: And, Secondly, Have committed (generally and mostly) the weighty Matter to Men illiterate and insufficient, Dumb Dogs, as the Scripture calls them; that cannot bark, but against our poor Shepherds, that would Feed (not Eat) up the Flock. Men quorum esse & vivere, est esse & bibere. Whose Tables are full of Wine and Strong Drink. Their Precept's iter Longam, their Example's iter Breve. Satanae Satellites, non Christi Sectatores, sed Antichristi Successores. They are Branches of the Hierarchy of Rome; Plants not planted by God our Heavenly Father. What Immense and Transcendent Goodness would it be of the Almighty, could but these Priests of Bacchus, Sons of Belial, be Sequestered, Silenced, and Turned out: and our true Ministers, true Shepherds, [that would not kill them that they Feed, eat the Fat, and Cloth themselves with the Wool] placed in their Rooms. 'Tis true, there are some of these Church-governors, that are Good Men and Learned; but then we find them too Unsanctified. Like Curio, they are ad Republicae perniciem facundi: Learned and Eloquent, but to the Destroying of our Commonwealth. For my part, I shall endeavour to pray for a Through-perfect-Reformation in the Ministers, as well as in these Particulars I have before declared unto you. The Church is the Garden of God, and till these Weeds be plucked up, God will not delight to walk therein. And therefore we must, without Fear of the Hand of Violence, of Pride, or Informer's Malice, set Hand, heart, and Shoulder and All, for the perfect Cleansing the House of the Lord. In short, (my Dear Beloved) I shall give you a brief Epitome of what Measures we took in our Late (blessed be God, and the King) Times, and finished our Work in this Matter, and how We must work.  
1. None shall Preach or Declare in his Sermon, That the Puritans, now called whigs, should be Ejected out all Parishes, nay Societies, as being ever the only Cause of all the Troubles and Disturbances in this Kingdom.  
2. No one shall Preach, That our late (nay, any other) Petitions to the King for a Parliament, were like Jeroboam's Petitions to Rehoboam; Commands, and not Petitions.  
3. No one shall Preach, That the late and present Reformers of the Church were, and are but Hypocrites: That an Evil Spirit did Then, and doth Now breathe these Things into their Minds; a Devout Devil, pretending Care of God's Service: That all Their and Our goodly Pretences, are but Hypocritical, and the Mask of Vile Iniquity, and Holy Theft. And shall hold, That it is a thing senseless, for Laymen to have any Tithes, and that Tithes are Jure Divino; and that to Alienate the Lands of Cathedral Churches, to set up and maintain Preaching Ministers, is to pervert the Will of the Dead that gave them.  
4. None shall declare his Wishes and Desires in his Sermons, That Evil may befall those that go about to take away Government by Bishops, which has its Platform from Heaven: And holds, That the Government by Bishops, Priests and Deacons under the Gospel, is from God; as under the Law, the Government of High-Priests, Priests and Levites. And that say, That he knows not from whence the Presbyterian-Government comes, but from Corah, Dathan and Abiram.  
5. No one shall call those Irreverent Puppies, that use not Superstitious Bowing at the Altar, and the Name of JESUS; and if they will not how Here, will bow in Hell hereafter; and those that teach us not to bow as needless, are Blind Guides.  
6. None shall Preach, That they that go about to Change the Laws and Government of the Church and Ceremonies, would at last change the Religion too.  
7. None shall Preach, That it is as Lawful for a Woman, if she dislike her Husband, to leave him, and take another; as for one to go out of his Parish, to hear another Minister: And that to go to another Church, is as the sin of Witchcraft and Idolatry. And therefore,  
8. None shall Declare against A Preaching Ministry, by affirming, That to Preach nothing but Scripture without Authority of the Fathers, was like the Devils Sheering of Hogs; a great Cry, but a little Wool. Or use that vile Comparing of painful Ministers to Pedlars and Ballad Singers, that have most Company; when rich Merchants have but few.  
9 None shall dare to gainsay or contradict Extempore Praying; and compare those that use it, and enlarge themselves therein with (in) pertinent Expressions, to Baal's Priests, who Thought to be heard for their much bawling.  
These, and such like Tenants and Speeeches in Sermons, held & preached by our late Ministers, were severely taken notice of, & severely reprehended by silencing such destructive Persons, and Sequestering and Plundering Them and Theirs: Nay, if we could not find them erring in their Words, we waylaid them in their Actions, and were soon ready to pick holes in their Coats. 'Twas easy enough to say, they were Popishly Affected, Drunkard, Superstitious Adorers at the Altar, or Name of JESUS, Swearers, Whore-mongers, Adulterers, Alehouse haunters, Malignants, Enemies to the Cause, and the like; and we did their Work. Out we turned them Head and Shoulders, Bag and Baggage, to shift for themselves. And then all care was taken that fit Persons of our own Select Fraternity enjoyed the Benefice or Cure.  
My Brethren, that is the way we must go, not dally with them, but handle them without Mittins. We must thwack their Cassocks; and rattle their Jackets. We must stamp upon the Panch of their Villainy, and squeeze out the Garbage of their Iniquity. And dare they resent our Proceed with unnecessary Interrogatories and unwelcome Reasonings, they shall have Rehoboams Answer, Our Fathers (the Bishops) chastized you with Whips, but we will Chastise you with Scorpions, etc. For the same Power, which was lately resident in an Archbishop, is inherent and of Divine Right in a Presbyter. Ay, if they repine and call our Proceed unreasonable, we must put our Vincent Skale-skie, Humphrey Bang-Priest, and Curtiss Claw-Clergy upon their Backs. That Speculum Crape-Gownorum was an excellent means to vilify their Doctrine and Parts; and then a Fig for their Persons. Oh! 'Twas pity, pity— Heretofore, Brethren, we proceeded by a better way, by a two fold Authority, we had 1. a Commission from Sir Simon Synod at Westminster; and 2. Resolves of the then Commons Dissembled in Parliament, concerning all such Ministers, who should directly or indirectly Preach or Pray against our Power or Proceed: We took Cognizance of them, and deemed and adjudged them Delinquents, and within the respective Orders, Ordinances and Acts touching Sequestration, as to their Ecclesiastical Benefices and Stipends: So that in a matter of Seven Years time, a General Bill of Mortality being drawn up of those Ministers who were defunct by reason of our Contagious Breath, the total amounted to One Hundred and Fifteen, who were Sequestered, whereof above Forty Doctors in Divinity; their Goods we Plundered, and turned out their Families. Reformation (Beloved) could not have been wrought, but by these means, they were rooted in, and ere we could plant good Seed, these Weeds must be plucked up. And then we wisely Ordered the Directory for Worship; Classical Presbyteries, and Congregational Elderships; Then had we our faithful painful Ministers, and such as Preached in Season, and out of Season.  
Having propounded this excellent Method for Reformation of Church-Ministers, I proceed.  
The Ingens Opus, and true Masterpiece of all, now calls aloud for your quickened Attention, inflamed Zeal, and well-setled Endeavours; I mean, the Discreet Election of an Able and sincere Pastor, whose Model I have conceived briefly thus.  
He must not proceed from Wales, or either of the Universities; for than we shall never understand him: Nor yet from Jericho, lest the Gravity of his Beard give us cause to suspect the Truth of his Enthusiasms and Inspirations: But he shall be a smooth, sweet young Man, well descended (not from Levi, but) from the Tribe of Gad, or Manasses, and trained up in Amsterdam, Geneva, the Isle of Silly, or (if you please) in our own Neighbourhood, where we have good Choice of such, whose Mechanic Professions have left them to make the Pulpit (as others do their Swords) their quum nemini.— Here are Feltmakers', that can roundly deal with the Blockheads, and Newtral Demi-casters of the World. Cobblers, who can give good Rules for upright Walking, and handle Scripture to a Bristle: Coachmen, who know how to lash the Beastly Enormities, and curb the Headstrong Insolences of this Brutish Age; stoutly exhorting us to stand up for the Truth, lest the Wheel of Destruction roundly overrun us. We have Weavers, that can sweetly lie inform us of the Shittle-swiftness of the Time, and practically tread out the Vicissitude of all Sublunary Things, till the Web of our Life be cut off. And here are Merchants of my Profession, who can separate the pieces of Damnation from those of Salvation, measure out every Man's Portion, and cut it out by a Thread; Substantially pressing their Points, till they have fashionably finished up their Work, with a well-bottomed Conclusion.  
Out of this Gross Heap (wherewith we are so comfortably surrounded) we may pick such a One, that with a Stentorian Voice (making more use of his Lungs and Nose, than Nature requires) shall reprove our Sins in that kind and measure, as we would have him; Shall courageously sound an Alarm to Battle; shall tell us the Events of our Actions before they're begun, by expounding Old Visions and Prophecies, better than he that was in Pathmos: He shall not need to Travel for Orders to the Prelatical Hierarchy, He shall receive Orders from Us. I have drawn up some of them already for him, and by these you may judge of the Whole; Ex pede Herculem, ex ungue Leonem, as we use to say.  
His Habit shall be a High-crowned Hat, or (to follow the present Mode, to avoid an Undecent Pointing at) a Low-crowned, narrow-brim Hat, a black Leather Callot-Cap, a sad Medley-Cloak, and Jerkin of the same, Violet Hose, and Russet stockings.  
His Landress shall evidence his Hatred of White-Linnen, by his little Coller'd-Band; and his Barber shall so roundly indent his Head, that our Eyes may as well see his Ears, as our Ears hear his Doctrine.  
In his Fathomless Prayers, he shall dispense with the Third Commandment; and take the Lord's Name in vain ex tempore, cutting out more Work for God in an Hour and an half, than a sober Man can expect ever to be performed by Him that is Most Wise: And if at any time (forgetting himself) he Pray for the King's Majesty, it shall be with such Distractions and Dilemmas, that we can hardly distinguish it from Treason.  
His Text must never be divided, (We shall make sufficient Divisions amongst ourselves) but he shall wander from it, as if it were not a Tangible Body; only in Case of pure Necessity, he may (for a Moment) make it a Place of Retreat, and then frisk abroad again.  
His Understanding shall be free from all Liberal Arts and Sciences, his Conversation from all Humanity, and his Discourse from all Figures, except Hysteron and Proteron, Hyperbole, Tautalogia, and other Flowers of the like Scent and Colour.  
He shall use no Language, but his Mother-Tongue, and the Hebrew, (if he hath attained to it) making choice of his Authors accordingly; such as Aben Ezra, Rabbi David Kimchi, and the rest.  
He must abominate the Greek Fathers, chrysostom, Basil, and all the Bundle of such Unwholesome Herbs: Also the Latins, whom the Pope-bellied Graybeards of the Town call St. Ambrose, St. Augustine, etc. The intricate Schoolmen, as Aquinas, and our Devilish Learned Countryman, Alexander Halensis, shall not come within the Sphere ' of his Torrid Brain, lest his Pia Mater be confounded with their subtle Distinctions; but, by special Dispensation, he may (for Names-sake) cast an Eye sometimes upon Scotus; and (when he hath Married a Sisster) upon Cornelius a Lapide.  
His English Authors should be curiously culled also: He must not so much as name Whitgift, Boys, Hooker, Stillingfleet; nor any of the Rabble of Anti-Presbyters or Conformists: But his Chief Guides shall be Knox, Browne, Barrow, Buchanan, Robinson, Baxter, and (whom I had even forgot) that never sufficiently honoured and admired Howes, (not the Chronologer, but) one of our late and best Translators. He was a Man, that feared not to come close to the Heels of Truth: He was a Laborious Applyer of strong Points to the Last, and had always a Lift or two for the Back-slider: If any stood stubbornly on his Pantofles, he would work him as pliable as Wax: If there were a Schism in his Charge, both his Hands and Awl should make up the Breach in a Zealous Contraction. He well observed the Footsteps of his Auditory, and grafted much Goodness into those, that had gone aside; driving his Holy Instigations so home, that wheresoever they went, they were sensible of them: In a word, He was the Hammer of all Humane Learning, a most Industrious Converter of Soles; and, in a short Space, did set forth more Works in Oxes-Hides, than old Tostatus did in all his Life. Oh!— I can never mention his Name, nor visit his Monument in Finsbury, but these Spiritual Pangs surprise me— Oh!— He is gone! He is gone! But there is still Heavenly Comfort provided for Us, and our Posterity, by the daily Preaching of his Learned Successors; and their Judicious and Pious Works, the great Artichects of the Partition-Wall: True Herod's in their Conscientious Observance of the Sacred Covenant, though 'twere to the utter Destruction of Themselves and Others. And now hearty thanking you (Holy Brethren) for your present Patience, I will proceed where I left.  
When our Souls are blest with a Doctor of these, and the like rare Qualifications, the next considerable will be his Stipend, (for this Ox will not be muzzled) which I conceive (under Favour) should be the Ampler, in regard there will be little or no Use of him for Weddings, Church and Burials; which, in these our Purblind Times, yields the Incumbent (as the Lawyers call him) a Comfortable Revenue. I think well (with Submission to your Judgements) that we advance him to Forty Marks per Annum; but with this Proviso, that our Benevolent Sisters shall not be inhibited their Voluntary Contribution of Money (their good Husbands knowing nothing of it) and Plate, (if their Cupboards afford it) Linen, and other Necessaries; which, I am confident, will amount to twice as much. This was the mere Motion of my Reverend Mother, and Dear Sister: And truly, I judge too very well motioned; for This, with the Charitable Collection from the Saints on Week-day's Lectures, (according to St. Paul's Institution, 1 Cor. 16.) will be a very pretty Competency, and shall maintain his Dear Consort, the Lady Presbyter, as Modish as the finest Lady Bishop of them all.  
And whereas we never continue long in any one Opinion, but separate daily, from separation to separation; I hold it expedient, that once in every Fourteen Days, (which shall be the New and Full of the Moon, the true Moderatrix of our Brains) we have a Solemn Meeting in my Sanctified Parlour; where our Prophet shall give us a Concise Exhortation of two Hours long, or such a matter; and then we may Admonish him of such things, as in the matter or manner of his former Labours, were not correspondent to our Humours; and may direct him (for the future) how long, how broad, how high and how deep he shall teach us, how gently or tartly he shall handle our Sores, and when he shall restrain, when enlarge our Liberty. And then refreshing ourselves in a Christian manner, with a chirping Cup of Canary, and such good things as the Gentlewomen Priscilla and Dorcas will minister to us (being Devoutly Consecrated by a long wound Benediction) every one shall departed home with such precise Heedfulness, as may prevent the scurrilous Tongues of the Malignant Tories; for I must tell you, we have a sort of scoffing Ishmaelites, that will undertake to see Sin, where God cannot, and with their black Mouths, will Persecute the Meekest Isaac upon Earth. Witness their strict putting in Execution their Commissions to disturb our Public Meetings, and their scandalous stigmatising us by their Popish Pamphlets; but I think we are pretty even with them in this last particular, though our Pockets sometimes pay for it. Witness our dear Baldwin, Smith, and Beloved Janeway, etc.  
These with some other things (I know not well what) are the Compendium of my Thoughts, leaving nothing material to the Care of my Successors, but the Subversion of the Cross-Isle, the demolishing of the Arches (if without danger it be feisible) and the Turning of the Main structure North and South, (which now most offensively stands East and West) or taking it all asunder for a purer Edification. However though we are now such Beasts to turn Stables into Churches, yet let us abhor turning Churches into Stables; we will rather choose the former.  
Now only remains that in a pretty Diminutive Vote, you please to give your Brotherly Assent unto the Premises.—  
Never was Vestry shaken with such a Thunderclap! The Air seldom suffers such a Holy Violence: Your loud Christian Clamour brought this Earth into such a fit of Trembling, that (I am partly persuaded) the Graves were in some doubt they should be dispossessed of their Guests: But I am sure this Gale hath driven out Billows of joyful Tears at my Eyes, and blown my Zeal into an extinguishable Conflagation, which had well nigh puffed me up into another Ecstasy. This is Vis Vnita indeed, that can set all the Elements on Work thus at a Clap. Your unanimous Approbation (my Zealous Brethren) Obligeth my extremest Abilities to the Prosecution of my Intendments, resolving as long as the Old Word (Magistratus indicat virum) stands firm, my Demeanour shall express me to the Life, and make the Whig as Famous to Posterity, as the Roundhead.  
And if the well tuned Vox Populi of this Precinct shall Honour me to be your Common-Council-Man, my Learned Oratory in Guild-Hall, and Pious Devotion in the whole Service, shall render me as Pragmatical and Fanatical a Member in the Civil Government, as possibly I am or can be in the Ecclesiastical.  
Of which you may expect shortly an Account.  — Semel Insanivimus Omnes. 
FINIS.