The Occasion of Writing this Life.  
HAd there been any hope, Tomaso's malice would ever have had an end, I had expected it; but seeing that my suffering one injury, but invited a second, and that a third, etc. and that, as my patience at first heaped hot burning coals upon his head, so afterwards it poured Oil upon the Fire, and made it but flame the more; I knew not what Resolution to take. I knew him a man of a dangerous Tongue, and therefore desired to have nothing to do with him; not that I feared what he could say of me, but only, what I could say of him, being loath to use the advantage I had over him; but since he would needs urge me, and there was no end of his malice: I resolved at last, if a little sprinkling would not quench the fire, to cast on whole Cataracts, but I would do't; how ever, I owe him for this security, that I cannot make him more mine enemy then be is.   

LIFE OF TOMASO THE Wanderer.  
AN EPITOME.  
LICENCED According to Order.  
Printed for the Author 1667▪   

To Mr. Thomas Killigrew.  
SIR,  
THE idle Time I was wont to spend at Plays, I employ more profitably in writing Tomaso's Life; who being a person not unknown unto You; I shall send it to You, as I writ it to Peruse, that having past your Approbation, it may afterwards more confidently appear abroad: So shall I do a good office to the public, (for 'tis a work of no less profit and instruction, to set forth Vice foul and ugly, to detest and avoid it, than Virtue fair and lovely to embrace and follow it) and in particular, Sir, declare how much I am,  
Your humble and Obedient Servant Richard Flecknoe.   

THE LIFE OF Tomaso the Wanderer.  

PROEMIUM.  
W'Ave had full many famous Wights,  
Some styled Squires, and others Knights,  
Who for Arms, as well as Arts  
Were counted men of Excellent Parts.  
As Sir Hudibras for fight.  
Gregory Nonsense for his writing.  
Archy for a crafty Courtier.  
Muckle John for making sport there.  
Coriat one that loved to wander:  
And Squire Apple-John for pander.  
Clancy for a Furb and Cheater;  
(None e'er knew the slights of't better:  
But for all (I'll boldly say so,)  
None more famous than Tomaso.  
But to leave Verse, and fall to Prose.  

BEing to write Tomaso's Life, I know not well what style to write it in; for, he's too vitions for Raillery, and not worth a serious thought; but he's more fit for the Satirical style, less fit he's for any other; in that it shall be then.  
He was one born to discredit all the Professions he was of; the Traveller, Courtier, Soldier, Writer, and the Buffoon, in all: All which we shall Treat of, severally and apart, after w'ave told you his Nature and Disposition.   

Of his Nature and Disposition.  
HE was so ill Natured, as he cared not in whose light he stood, so he might see; nor whom he endamaged, so he might gain by it; and if he had a kindness for any one, 'twas only for being as vicious as himself: So even his good Nature was but an effect of his ill; and his ill in every thing predominant.  
He thought all the World made for him, and he for none; and that all wisdom consisted in keeping his own, and getting as much as he could of another Man's.  
He was another Titus reversed; and thought he had lost a day when he had harmed and mischieved none; and was so pernicious to every one, as if that saying be true, that one man is a Wolf unto another; 'twas never more verified then in him; so as if King Lucius were alive again, he'd give more for freeing the Land from him alone, then formerly he did for all the Wolves together.   

How he Wandered Abroad.  
HE talks of Banishment, but 'tis well known he was forced to fly his Country for debt, long before any other Banishment was talked of, and he bandited himself but as Citizens turn Bankrupts to cozen their Creditors. Besides,  
To add to his evil nature as evil Arts, he went abroad, and in Italy studied the Putana Errante, the Picaro in Spain, and all the Fripons and Friponeries in France, till he had perfectly learned all their Arts, and was completely qualified to deboish and cozen every one.  
To tell you of his Deboisheries I should offend all modest ears; and I would I had some qualifying Term, to call his deceits and Cozenages by, (for to call every thing by their proper Names is course, and savouring of Rusticity;) but be the name what it will, the thing's the same.  
'Twere endless to tell you how he deceived and cozened every one, of all Qualities, Nations, and Religions, jews, Italians, Courtesans, etc. but especially those of his own Country; nor was ever any more adopted for't then he, who was flattering and insinuating, and had learned of Lysander, that as Children are cozened with Nuts and Apples, so Men are with good words and fair promises; and he was so wrapped up in craft and dissimulation, as you might sooner peel a Bulbus Root out of all his Rinds, then unfold him out of all his subtleties; and sweep an Earthen Flore to its last grain of dust, then come to an end of his dissimulation. So wandered he up and down, (worse than a Mount bank, for he cures Men, but Tomaso made them worse▪ those fell Drugs, but ●he Fumo▪ or smoke, and their Receipts were for others, but his was for himself,) till finding no more abroad, to cozen and deboish, without which there was no living for him; (the one maintaining the other, and either him,) he returned home at last, and might well say with Buscon his fellow-Wanderer: 
Con l' Art e con l' Inganno  
Vivo l' mezzo part l' Anno;  
Con l' Inganno e con l' Art,  
Vivo l' Altra mezzo part.  That is in English, 
With my Art, and with deceit,  
Part of my Living I do get,  
And I get the other part  
With deceit and with my Art.   
Being returned, he fell to practising at home the Arts he had learned abroad, and had a more profitable field for it, though not so ample as he had before.   

How he was a Courtier.  
ALthough he had a better place in Court, than he deserved, yet he would needs add the Buffoon's place unto it, as more suitable to his humour and disposition, and more privilege to abuse and rail at every one: there being none of any Dignity in Church or State whom he had not saucily abused with his lewd and scurrilous Tongue; for he was of a bold abusive wit; and whilst others took care of what they said, he talked madly, dash, dash, and never cared how he be spattered others, or defiled himself, sparing neither his own, nor others shames; and his impudent boldness was all his wit, with which he caused Laughter, but 'twas rather forced then natural, and as they laughed at mischief, so they laughed at him; his Jests having always somewhat of malice in them, and he being the worst sort of satire, not against Vice, but Virtue; a professed enemy to all that were Virtuous, and never pardoning Virtue in any one.  
So he was a perpetual Libel in the Court of others, and to others of the Court; and they but repeated his bold speeches, when they would speak ill of it, though the worst they could say of it, was only that he was one of it.  
Whence if the Court (as they say) be a Heaven or a Firmament, where the Prince is the Sun, and other Courtiers, (as they are nigh to him in place) bright shining Stars, he certainly was a dark Cloud obscuring all the rest, and the Court would shine far brighter if he were but away.   

How he was a Soldier.  
DUring the Wars, not to be a Soldier, he made himself a Captain, and to scape fight, has continued so ever since, his Sword being so little able to boast its blood, as all its nobility lies in the Hylt and Belt; and it derives its honour more from the Scabbard than the Blade.  
All the Employment he had during the Wars, was now and then to bring up a Convoy of Wenches to the Camp, (a sort of terrible Engines of War, that do as much harm and execution by Land, as Fireships do by Sea) whence he gained the honourable Title of Pimp-Master General of the Army; in which office he continued till (chiefly for his sins) his side at last being overcome; he, as from some common shipwreck was the first that saved himself; and so he were safe, cared not what became of all the rest.   

Of his second Expedition.  
I Could tell you, but that 'twere too long a digression, how in this his second Expedition, Cum Privilegio of Cavalier and Royalist, he cozened more in the King's name, than ever Constable apprehended, or Judge condemned. Only I will say that if he fleeced them before, he flayed them now; and plain Coz'nage might have passed for Honesty, compared to the tricks, slights, project, and inventions, which he had to cozen them, especially his own Countrymen; so as his name became as formidable to 'em as ever Drakes was to the Spaniards, or Talbots to the French; and so it has continued ever since. And in this▪ and his first going abroad it was, when he fell to writing Plays, and he'd good witness, he could write one in a day, or two; imagine but what stuff it must be the whilst.   

Of his Writings.  
'TIs a great Commendation for a man to be, tam marte quam mercurio; as good at Arts and Arms; and so was he, for he was good at neither; yet he would needs be writing, though he could not spell, and be an Author, without Rhyme or Reason; and without any other learning, then only that of vice and debauchery: Whence his writings were so scurrilous and profane, as for less, the Heathens banished their Writers formerly, and the Christians burn their writings by the hand of common Hangmen, for less martials Poet was damned, when forced by the Furies to confess his crime, he only cried out Scripsi, that he had writ: and whilst others shall have other Books at the latter day produced against them, he shall only need his own to condemn him and thousands others too; (there's so much of the Devil and of Tomaso in them) but that few or none ever read what he has writ, excepting only such as are so bad already, his writings cannot make them worse, and so corrupted, as they cannot corrupt them more.  
Which he perceiving, was so impudent to bring them upon the stage, to infect that with it too, by which he has frighted all chaste ears from thence, and will all the rest in time, if he may have but his Plays Acted, or the appointing of those which are.   

Of his Religion.  
OF his Religion I say nothing, since he had none at all, (having left it long before that he might make no scruple nor conscience of any thing) and your Atheist and Heathen were Names too serious for him, who only made a mockery of it, and counted it all a cheat; Devotion, foppery; Scripture, fabulous; Heaven and Hell, nothing; and Gods and Fiends, only inventions of men to fright and terrify Fools from being as bravely wicked as himself; who laughed and made a fool of Machiavelli, for holding that none could be extremely vicious.   

L' Envoy.  
FOr his Diseases I will not touch them, not to defile myself, who had trucked vices for diseases so long, till he had enough to furnish an Hospital; nor will I describe his Person, who being a Monster of a man, I should shame and dishonour Humanity to set him forth in any humane shape; imagine him as ugly as you please, whilst I declare his ugly qualities.  
Only to make an end of depainting him, He is most commonly pictured with a Dog, the right emblem of his disposition; only a Mastive is too generous a beast for him, it should have been rather some moungril Cur, always craving, and never satisfied, fawning on his greatest enemies to serve his ends, and those once served, barking at his dearest friends; by which Dog-tricks of his, as he was an enemy to all, so he made every one an enemy to him.  
Thus have I briefly and in Epitome, set forth his Life, reserving the making his History more at large, until I shall hear that he is not content with this.    
FINIS.