FRESH NEWS FROM COCKENY: For the Information of all such as are not sick of the Sullens.  
Cockeny, Thursday, etc.  
THis day the Senate has named Commissioners to regulate the Custom and Excise of imported Cutling-stones; a Commodity, which (if this Frost last till Candlemas) will infallibly allay the boisterous Pride of Barley stingo, and chamber the keckling of Hens loadened with eggs. It's a most glorious fight to behold the daily splendour on the North loch of Edinburgh: and such, who remembers of the Olympic Games, by way of transmigration, says, they were but puppet Plays in respect of our frosted Carrozols. The names of the Deputies are as follows, Augustus' Appletree, Catiline Crabtree, Agamemnon, Anderson, Sigismundus Sympson, Petronius Paterson, Publius Bublius Buy, Hadrianus Hodge, Sempronius Skeuch, Coriolanus Cowy, and Mr. Corderius Contter for their Clerk: all Persons of spotless integrity. But they are limited, not to admit of any exceeding the Carrat of two hundred pound weight; because oftentimes young men endanger their Back-sprents with the vanity of ponderous Stones. This  was no sooner established, but there came a Letter from Humphrey Hood, our Shellfish Agent at the Hague, by which you may perceive the reason our Musselskape is not yet planted in the mouth of the Meaze. The Letter you have here set down.  
For the Right Sapient, the CONSULS and TRIBUNE'S of the SENATE of COCKENY.  
Most Shientick Patrons,  
THe States here are in such confusion about their differences with England, that I can bring to no perfection our Mussel Project. There be some Jews that would bargain for a parcel of those which hatches Pearl; But I told them, It was express against our Laws, because they are only destined to decore our Wives and Children with Necklaces. I find it will be to no purpose for me to waste longer time here; for there is never one of the Hoggin Moggin, when I motion any thing of business, that answers me to the purpose. As for example, When I demanded a return of my Memorial from their Secretary, he thrusts into my hand a Speech of one of their Members, which because it possibly may convince you of their discomposed, condition, I have here sent it translated in the most 〈◊〉 English ●y Secretary could reach; for the truth is, a simple Version of a Low-dutch Jargon would puzzle a greater Linguist than ●●ll●pine. This (with the enclosed) is all at present from  
Your Servant, Humphrey Hood.  

The Speech of Mijn Heir Snip Snap van Rugg, a Barber in Delft, and one of the States Generals: as it was delivered at the Hague, on the Feast of Innocents'.  
My Lords,  
IT is now any time, this twenty years, that I have been a witness to all your political Trim; and let me tell you, without flattery, though their Frisling and Curl were above the Pincers of my Conception, yet I was infinitely pleased at the craftiness of their contexture: And upon no other account, My Lords, but because they were nine Points to the  of my comprehension, which, as I am informed, is the only understanding a la Mod. But as to the Question in debate, Whether it were better for us to have Peace or War with England? there lies the business. Certainly, My Lords, it would much conduce to your satisfactions, to have the Dispositions of the People sounded: and that is to be had, either in a Mill, a Country Forge, or in a Barber's Shop in a Town. In my opinion, My Lords, the latter is to be dreferred, the other two being only Rendezvouses of Clowns: but that of the shaving Faculty, to my certain knowledge, even in my own Theatre, there is of all stations that resort there; nay, even from the Tarpalian, that has his Coxcomb rounged with a wooden dish, to the Spruce Gallant, whose Antlers are starched with Gessimine: and without all doubt, those are the Waterfowl that continually flutters and dables in this our plantation of soused clods. But, My Lords, not to keep you up from my intended discovery of their present inclinations, I shall briefly relate the Observations I made in the last three saturdays Dress, not forgetting the Humours of the Jews on the preceding Friday's: and in order to the Discipline of the House, whilst some are wet, and others shaving, the Clash was held up with these rascally ingredients that supports the confusion of a Commonwealth. The first that broke the ye, was Dick the Snyder of Delft, a worshipful Butcher, that has taken the length of Usurer's feet, but still within the limits of clouting Stockings. This same Fellow, I say, with a dark hollow voice, and a great discontented belch, declared his aversion to their preparations of a War with England: for, saith he, those who are most concerned to defray the expense of the War, are these who are least concerned in the Quarrel. Must all the Commons of the seven Provinces be pinched, to maintain the vanity and avarice of the East and West India Companies: and against a Neighbour and Benefactor, who redeemed us both from the Name of Rebels, and the contemptible Title of, The low and distressed States of Holland? No, no, Heavens forbidden we should be such ingrate wretches. This was no sooner said, but Yerk the Cobbler swore (by the Keistril of Crispin) that all his brother Butcher had said was true. And besides, consider, when Dunkirk, Ostend and Newport were upon our Nose, what difficulties we were at in the point of Trade, and what charges for Convoys. I pray, what will it be when all the Coast-Towns of England are such, with the advantage of a Fleet-Royal all the days of the year to protect them. It's true, no place can well subsist plentifully without Trade; yet England has, and can subsist, when there is no Trade at all. It's far otherwise with us, for the least obstrnction of Trade cuts us off from natural subsistence; For our Country, of itself, yields scarce so much Grain as will nurse Anxv Maria Shurmans Poultry: and for the fishing that's of our own property, except some accidental peeks of Prans and a few muddy Eels, we have nothing but at the discretion of Neighbours. It's true, there is a proportion of Butter and Cheese, but not to feed the ten thousand mouth. The Cobbler had no sooner spoke, when strait an aged Brocker, formerly a Professor of History at Loydan, with staring eyes, and a bellowing voice, assented to all what was said; only he was displeased, that she who was the ornament of the Low-dutch Learning, should be compared to Hen-wives; which Wives (in other parts of the world) has the rank reputation of Witches. However, the good old Man's choler was soon allayed, being the comparison flowed from illiterate Bruits: but withal, very gravely, after he had stroaked down his breast and beard, he held forth as followeth; I remember, Neighbours, eighty years ago, when this Commonwealth, before it bulged to the dreadful Title of Hoggin Moggin, had no other repute but that of a despicable crew of fish Hamelets, and might have continued so, if at the same juncture of time they had not met with the Novelties and Followers of some Runagado-Ecclesiasticks, which gave both life and being to our rebellious Foundation. About the same time, I say, they report, that, as Philip the second being in a dumpish mood about this Revolt, there was a State-projector very formally addressed himself to his Majesty, and advised him, never to enterprise the reducing of us by a Land-war, but convert all his force for the constant entertainment of an hundred Friggats, and so crush our Trading: and this he made appear to be no great task, considering the King had as many Towns great and small, that one with another could defray the expense of the design easily. As the Broker was upon this discourse, I was just circumstexing the whiskers of a  Dantzick Farder, when upon a sudden the Angry Copman sprung out of my grips, and swore by all the Tarr in the East, and the great Pudding of Spruce, that whoever he was gave that advice to the Spaniard, behoved to be a Jesuiter, in regard it had so pernicious a consequence. And if the King of Britain light upon the same design, as he may much more easily do, the want of Trade to such a multitude of mouths, would speedily render us miserable. He was going to enlarge upon the subject, but the authority of the reverend Broker procured liberty and attention to return to his discourse: so he continued. This counsel, as I told you, of the Policy-monger of State, was most attentively listened to by Don Phillipilio, insomuch that he not only stroskt up his Bigots, but witnessed his satisfaction with three extraordinary prudential Nods: and haply the motion might have taken effect, if the Duke of Parma at that time had not been at Court, accompanied with all the Warlike Nobility both of Italy and Spain; that were drunk with hunting after Land-glory: Besides, it's thought the King was indifferent; and having his Treasures coming tumbling from the Indies, he thought he could not distribute it better than by erecting a School of War in Flanders, to breed Officers for his other Conquests. And let me tell you, Neighbours, it was no small support to our new patched up Republic, that this same Southern Monarch was the envy of the Northern parts of the world; for by most he was regarded as the fiercest of the whose bunch of Antichrists, Dragon heads: and such was the zeal of the mortified Ladies, that no reform Gallant could be entertained in his amours, unless he had served three Campagnias in Holland, and brought away nine hairs of the Moustaches of a Castilian Diego as a Trophy of his valour.  
Our Broker was again interrupted by a little Tersell of a Levite, who all this while was tuning my Daughter's Cittern to the Notes of a Geneva Jig: And after he had, in a great passion, fling his Water-camlote Cloak under his Arm, he began and roared against all what had passed, alleging that they intended nothing, but to lessen the strength and reputation of the Pious and Godly States, that was the great receptacle of all tender consciences. He had scarce uttered these words, when upon a sudden, a Schoolmaster took him up, and said, Novimus & quite: My life upon it, that you and some of the Scots nonconform Brethren has been kneading Lectures together at Skeedames-dyke. Like enough it has been so, said a Blacksmith; for his flattering strain speaks no less. What? replies a Scrivener, are these the companions are so nimble at making of Garden-knots? The very same, says a Cutler; For, put me half a score of these fellows in a peaceable Kingdom, and though there be a Garrison in every Family, yet they shall work mutiny up to that height, that nothing but the steel edge of a broad Sword is able to charm it. All what you say is most certain, saith the Broker, and if the rest of the hotchpotch Religions, to whom we give shelter, were as contentiously disposed as they, our Commonwealth had been long since split: But thanks to our Summum bonum of refined cheating and black usury, that keeps under hatchets the zeal of all other professions, Now when I speak of Religions in that point, we are wretched; for, by most part of the world, we are in the Category of Jews and Infidels, especially our East and West India Companies, who for the most part, are professed enemies of Christ, which, in this our Engagement with England, may unhappily stand in our way; for it's not to be supposed, that his Christian Majesty, who is the only probable Prince in the world, to enterprise a Croysada, that ever he will countenance a tribe of Hebrews, to advance the standard of Circumcision. At the hearing of this, out springs a Greenland Swaber, and swore by all the blubber that grows on a fat Whales jowl, that rather than Fadderland should be in jeopardy, he would yet again kindle his courage with Brandy for its defence. Fadderland replies an Inland Bumpkin, there is none of you that inhabits Towns can pretend any thing that way, there being none of you all can say your Grandfather was a Hollander. It is most true, cries another Clown; for it is we only can claim that right, and you are no other than so many Paddock-stools or Mushrooms, issued out of the steam of a Dunghill, as French Angelot's hatches Maggots. I am apt to believe that, saith a Cowper; for my father was a Swineherd in West Phalia: And, because my mother entertained unnatural jealousies, he was forced to come here for protection. And mine, saith a Goldsmith, was a Tinker in Sweden; but one time, for his divertisement, as he was transmuting the natural metal of the Country into silver, whereon he was engraving the King's Image, he was forced to fly for a false coiner, And my Grandfather, cries a Skavinger, was a Friar of Etfoord in Germany; but, for scandalous toping of a Tailor's Wife, he was forced to flee to Amsterdam, where he was preferred to be a Lay Elder. In good faith, saith a Glazier, I am of the opinion, at best, that all our forebearers within two generations, were either criminals, Runagadoes, or Banquerupts; for my father was Cashkeeper to a Genowes Banker: But in regard the balancing of accounts did not hit, he was forced to change both Climate and Religion, All that is nothing, quoth an old toothless Furrier, and therefore listen to what I say; for, though I mumble my words out of a heard like a Mavise-nest, yet my mouth is not so muzelled with Morpions, but I can make it appear in the teeth of the greatest Virtuosos, that Reucks, Cheats, and Trippanners are the only ingredients to compose such a Commonwealth as ours, whose greatest subsistence depends upon the ruin of Neighbours. Say you so, saith a Traveller? Then it is high time for me to shift so pestilentions an air.  
This, My Lords, was the sum of the observations I made among my Christian Client's: My Jewish Customers again were a little more close, yet I overheard one say to another, that he much doubted the success of the War, since the King of Britain concerned Himself so vigorously, and that the strength of an English Monarch is unknown, when he is likewise Sovereign of the affections and concurrence of His People, as it was now the case of His present Majesty: And which is worst of all, there seems to be a perfect understanding 'twixt him and the French King. Why then, replies the other, in such cases the States should breathe the veins of their Tons of Skat, and bleed among their Courtiers. Tush saith the other, these knacks are to be done with Pashas at Constantinople, or in republics like Venice or Geneva, or in the Minority of a King: But believe me, it's dangerous to be found tripping with two such clear-sighted Princes as these of England and France; besides, their Courtiers are (of late) become such nice Christians, that they will hardly touch Holland cash, for fear it were deeply mixed, and stunk of our usurious and circumcised Purchase. This is all, My Lords, I heard among our talmudical friends: I am informed that if your Wisdoms would appoint Emissaries to frequent the Sky Skooles up de Burgwall, and there you will find News and State matters as gravely debated in the time whilst they are plumping, as they are at London, in these houses where they stew their eyes and noses with the vapour of Coffee. I am afraid, My Lords, that I have trespassed upon your pickled patience; for I hear the clink of the Hair groat bell, and it being now high time to skaffe up, your Worships will dispense with your humble Beadsman.   
After this speech was read, the Senate thought it inconsistent with their honours to entertain any more commerce with such a dirty generation of Water-Rats, and therefore resolved to recall their Ambassador.  

From Amsterdam.  
THe Ambassadors that went out from our Committee of Conjurers, are returned from Lapland: their Wizards and we agree that this Meteor is a female Comet, because of the length of her tail; and that same dreadful shaking of her shaggy Group over the Netherlands portends nothing less than that, for all our leather ears and brass countenance, yet we shall be darkened with Clouds of live-haired Periwigs.  
This wandering Whore took the occasion of the beginning of the year, and with a Wassinghole has ranged about all the twelve Houses of the Heavens; at last she is got betwixt the horns of Aries, where its thought she will expire, and with her snuff stifle that Cuckoldly Constable, who used to be such a violent persecutor of her Sister Errants of the Galloping Gang.   

ADVERTISEMENT.  
ALl such Doctors, Theologues, and Philosophers; that did not understand the last SCANT of Cockeny without a Key, are recommended to read Democrites Commentaries on Merlin's and Thomas Rymers Prophecies; and there they will find mention of a Manuscript in the king of Fairy's Library that will discover the secret.    

Printed at Dumpender-law, for the Company of Stationers in Glads-moor.