man with horns on his head man with horns on his head Sir Ferdinando Fumbler, Clerk of the Company. Fumblers-Hall, KEPT And holden in Feeble-Court, at the sign of the Labour-in-vain, in Dee-little-Lane. Wherein divers Complaints & Aggrievances, of the Feminines in Cornucopia, are presented to the grave wisdoms of the Masters of that Company: concerning Non-performance, want of due benevolence, Deficience and Corporal Disabilities in Mankind, whereby poor distressed Females Languish under a pressing weight of misery, not only to the great decay of their Trade and occupations, but to the Destruction of Generation itself. Whereunto is Added the Second part, newly discovered and set forth for information of delinquents that are to answer to these interrogations that shall be objected against them. Printed for I. Clerk, W. Thackeray, and T. Passenger. The Summons being granted to Sir Ferdinando Fumbler, Clerk of the said Company, to Cite in these persons following, Viz. Alice All-co●k. Complaints against Sir Nicholas Fribble jone Wou'd-have-more, Complaints against Daniel Doe-little, Doll Hold-up, Complaints against Fran. Fain-would, Kate Knockwel, Complaints against Will. D●y-bones, Nan Tickle-tail, Complaints against Peter Bad-cosk. Bess Bear-up-stiff. Complaints against Simon Silly-P— Who are all to answer to What shall be objected against them. Whereunto is added. Margery Marall, against jack Jolly-boy, Susan Shrews-face, against Dick Draball, Sicily Suc-pot, against Robin Rocks●by, Winney Vvagtail. against Joseph Woodcock All Delinquents, and to answer to their several crimes. Fumblers-Hall. The PROLOGUE. Come you brave Artists of the horned trade That boast how many marred how many made, You need none but your own Artillery, To advance the mystery of eniquity; The Suburbs are so f●ll you well may rally From street, from lane, from court, form yard from alley B●th tag and rag, both short as well as tall, May ●ll-a-row n●w march to Fumblers-Hall: There do your duties to prevent your scorns, Pay tribute to the virtue of the Horns. THe Females of Cornucopia, being a great number of aggrieved Mortals that a long time have Languished: gnaw Sheets, eat Oatmeal, and licked Walls for satisfaction of their longing desires, & finding none to pity their cases, but growing worse and worse in their desired faculty, resolved with one consent to draw up their aggrievances; and present them to the Masters of the Corporation of Fumblers-Hall, The said Masters being Twenty four in number, whereof twelve were Men-Midwives, the other, Sons of Apothecaries, that had studied Aristotle's Problems, the Birth of Man, & divers learned Authors, that hath treated largely on the Art and Occupation of the Femenines, in the way of Fructification, and increase of their Members: these being head men of the City of Cornucopia, having many complaints and Aggrievances presented them from the aggrieved parties of Females in & about t●e City, resolved to build them ● new Hall, all the Timber thereof being horn-beam, & a roof of Unicorn Horn, ●●●hly guilded, Studded, and Imbosied with dat Horns, of all sorts of colours: the Table, Chair▪ and stools, being all of them of the same Livery: This Hall for the curiosity thereof, as far exceeded a●l other Halls, as the Cross in Cheap side did exceed the horned Pillar in Kent; being built in Feeble-Court, at the sign or the labour-in-vain, near unto the Maidenhead in Doe-little-Lane; where the Court being set, Sir Ferdinando Fumbler called in these persons following. Clerk. Alice Allcock, and Sir Nicola●●rible, come into the Court, and answer to those objections alleging each from other. Master. Speak Alice, what canst thou say against Sir Nicholas? Alice. An't please this Honourable Table, I have been his obedient Creature, waking and sleeping, these 3 long years, and yet am as pure a Virgin, as ever lay by the side of a young Bridegroom; & so am like to continue for him, whereby I receive many taunts and jeers of my Neighbours, who call me Barren-Doe, & and a thousand such names: when ' ris known, Gentlemen, the fault is not mine in the least: I have done my endeavour up and down, ever since I was his Wife, fed him with Anchovis, Caviarre, bought bottles of Muskadine, Montefisco Frontimack: snay, he has wanted nothing that the industry of Woman could invent, to make him capable of doing his duty: Yet he is no more to me, gentlemans, than a straw in the Nostrils of a ●ow, a very slug, a mere fribble, an it please ye, Gentlemen hear what he can allege for himself. Mast. Sir Nicolas answer for yourself, what can you allege against the accusation of the Woman? Sir Nicholas. So please your Grave Worships to consider of the Impudence of this woman, who is more insatiate than the Grave, nay, Hell itself: no man though never so lusty, being able to give her satisfaction: besides, one fluttish nasty trick she hath, that every night she Faris in her sleep, which above all the rest of her bad qualities, is most hateful to me. Mast. That is but a weak infirmity Sir Nicholas; you know he that refuseth a wife for a Fart, a Horse for a start, and a Groat for a crack, shall never be well wived, well Horsed, nor well moneyed; come, come, Sir Nicholas, you must bear with her weakness, she is a woman, and your wife. Ali●e. I, and will be a woman too in spite of his teeth, or else i'll want of my will, cannot I break wind when I catch cold, but you must mouth it? Mast. A Woman's will indeed, is a resolute beast, and deserves a strong kirb; if they once get a bit in their mouth they'll run to the devil. Sir Nick. Therefore i'll fly them, as I fly from evil. And eat bad women, as i'd shun the Devil. (Exit, Sir Nick. and Alice.) Mast. Clerk; Call in jone Wood h●v●-more and Daniel Doe-l●ttle, to answer what shall be objected each by other. Clerk. Joan. Wood-have-more, and Daniel Doe-little appear in the Court, and bring your Summons with you, Enter jone Wood-have-more, and Daniel Doe-little. Mast. jone, What canst thou say against Daniel? is he not a loving husband to thee? jone. I cannot say but he is loving enough, but love is not all that pleaseth a Woman, will love beget such beautiful Children as my neighbour K. or my neighbour B. hath; no, no, Love will not do it alone: I must confess he is a Musician, and as timbersome a man as any lives in Cock-Lane, yet has but a mere Gut, a Chitterling, a Fiddlestring, that will make no music to a Woman's Instrument; yet when I tell him on't, he pulls it out and shakes it, and puts up his Fiddlestick again, falls a kissing of me, & with a few other jack-puddings tricks, thinks that sufficient satisfaction; but this is the short & the long of the business, I have been his wife long enough, and have found his performances to be mere fooling, and no real performance at all: as a fine speech to a ro●●en Puppit-play; but I look for Reality Gentlemen, and to have Children as well as my Neighbours: 'tis not now and then a Hoop-ring will please me, No, no, i'll get a Cooper i'll warrant him, that shall not want an Addze to labour withal. No Woman can endure so vile a wrong, As too too short, or have it too too long. Mast. Daniel, what sayest for thyself? Daniel. Will ye please to see, and if here be not enough to content any Woman in England isle— Mast. Fie on him uncivil beast, kick him out of the Court, and commit him close prisoner to his own Hornpipe, and grant jone liscence of freedom, to use and occupy for a a year and a day, and then this business to be called over again. jone. I humble thank your good Worships, I shall not be unthankful to you. D. This is a doom I little thought to have. For nature's gifts to be a woman's slave. Exit jone and Daniel. Mast. Call in two more. Clerk. Doll Hold up, and Frances Fain-would, appear in the Court. Enter Doll Hold up, & Fran. Fain-would. Doll. Nay, I can hold-up & hold forth too, I have been at the Mouth at Aldersgate, and as loud as the best of them all; I have knocked down humane Learning, and have a Spirit i'll warrant thee that will teach thee something: Brother P. will not come to it like a Bear ward, or a Fencer, or a rude Cavileer that will swear damn him he will, but like a right spiritual Brother, seasoned for the work, and according to the right Rule of Foundation of Generation. O the rudeness of these wicked men, good People cast them from you, let not the Wicked's Seed be sown in the ground of the Righteous, I beseech you cast them from you: though the World calls them Husbands, they are Thiefs & Robbers, Men of this world, that shall have their Portion in the Lake, the foul Lake. Mast. This is a Quaker, away with her, if her Spirit be once raised, all the Devils in Hell cannot lay it again. Doll. Thou art a Liar, a D●g, a Toast of the foul Pit, the froth and sevin of hell. Master. Avoid Satan, i'll not hear a word more. Fran. I fain would have reclaimedher from her Meetings, but it is as good to try to wash a Black-a-moor White, or to lad dry the Thames with a spoon, as to seek to turn her from her perverse will. Please her I cannot, but she calls me dissembling Lyat, Devil, nay; and makes Horns in derision. Mast. An absolute breach of privilege, and deserv●s a severe punishment. Clerk, make her Mittimus into Horn-Castle, where she may continue close, safe, and strict imprisonment for a year and a day: and for honest Frances, I one Wood-have-more may do well to employ him to do her Noctural drudgeries. Fran. If it be Digging or knocking, have at her. I can Humbore too, and have P— and praise abroad, though I can have none at home: but from all Quakers, john-a-bob-tails, browning's, and shakers', Good Lord deliver me. For when pretended Zeal doth lead astray, Virtue forsakes, & vice doth show the way. Mast, Sure the Devil would not marry a Quaker, if they be so perverse. Call in some more of them and see what they are. Clerk. Kate Knock-well, and William Dry-bones appear in the Court. Enter Kate Knock-well, and William Dry-bones. Mast. Come bonny Kate, what canst thou allege against thy Husband, William Dry-bones? Kate. An't please your Worships I have been married these six years, and yet can find no comfort at all be fitting a woman; he told me he was a Clerk, but the Devil of one drop of Ink have I found in his Pen since I married him, whatsoe●er he had before; He is dry, dry as a ●ix: Gentlemen, therefore I pray consider of a poor woman, I am F●csh and blood as your Wives are, Gentlemen: Therefore either grant me Liscence to use my own, or I will do it, and do it again: we Women must & will have our benevolence. The World was never yet so dull, If one Koave won't another will. Will. Were a Man's body a full Mary bone, thou'dst quickly draw it dry, I warrant thee, thou wearest thy Magnetic stone under thy apron▪ that will draw more than the succour of a well, or a team of Flanders Mares, and if it be true that some say that love is a well, they'll drain the s●ring dry, were it as deep as hell. But I know the worst, Horns are my fate, And horns do sometimes deck a jordly pate. Mast. He hath confessed himself a dry fellow, make Kate a commission to use her Talon, while he hath recruited his lamp, & then both parties will be pleased. Kate. I am your Worship's humble Handmaid, and do tell, He that knocks best, Can knock at best but well. Exit Kate and Dry-bones. Mast. Call in Nan Tickle-tail, and Peter Bad-cock. (both enter.) Come Nan speak for thyself, & speak truth. Nan. So I will an it please your Worship, I have been married two years, & had as good I had never been married at all, he has been at Burnt-Wood an't please ye, the Barber played the jew with him, and instead of part, cut off all: he has not so much as would satisfy a Duck at a mouthful, an it please you: I hide it a long time for shame and reproach of people, but no●a I can hid it no longer: at night he quarrcls with me in bed, but hang him ●ingling Rascal, all the dogs in Cornucopia are little enough to bait him: Women are well hope up to marry with such Geldings. Peter. It is well known I was a sound man when I married thee, Nan Tickle-tail, you have tickled me with the Pox when I was knocking at the Anvil, you were in Conjuncton with Tom the joiner, and would come home as drunk as a Sow, and call me at your pleasure: pawn Pettiroat, Smock, Waistcoat, and all to free an Attoorney to maintain your honesty, forsooth; though you have offended no less than three times, since you were my Wife; and once in the Cage, when the Tailor's man in Blackfriars had taken measure of your hide for a young bantling, you know who you was beholding too for a threepenny caudle, and a halfpenny candle to stick in clay at the Beds-head, every feather i'm sure was an ell loug: than you would come creeping home, crying good Peter, sweer Peter, receive in thy Nan, and I will work, and not desire a Penny of thee, but now whose worse than Peter; but I believe Peter must be the best flower in your Garden, when all is done. Nan. To him my Dog, to him my Dog, hallo, hollo, to him my Dog. Pet. The Devil is hunting, sure for why? Women more loud than Dogs, their game will cry. Mast. The business is very foul between both, let it be referred to our next sitting, & call in the rest. Clerk. Bess Bear-up-stiff, come into the Court and answer for thyself. Enter Bess and Simon Silly. Bess. As I am an honest and upright Woman, i'll have justice against him for a Natural: this Simon Silly has enough on't, and enough to content any honest woman, if he knew how to use it; and bid him turn to me, he grins in my fare, like Pugg upon a Close-stool, and turn● his breech upon me, saith, he can play by himself. O Gentlemen, you little think what shifts I am driven too, to satisfy my long. Sim. You took the parsnip you Queen, and made me eat it without butter, when you had done. Another time you put me to scour on old Copper, and lay with the Tinker all the while: another time you sent me for Beer for the Weaver, when I looked in at the window and saw all; and yet you persuade me the Moon was in the twincle, and made the Glass show every thing double. Well, well, i'll say but little more, No man was ever cursed with such a Whore. Mast. Make her a pass for Jam●co, send for a yellow coat Francisco she shall be banished. men come with complaints that they overcome me with their clamours: some scolding, some swearing, and some cursing their Husbands, and threatening the Worshipful ●●●●h. Women corrupt, enraged, denied their wills, Consume like fire, & worse than worsest ills. Master. I fear their rage, lest they o'er men should sway. Adjourn the court until another day, The Second Part PROLOGUE. YOu that are maimed in Venus' Wars, Ne'er saw service, yet have scars; You that play and never win, At the Game of In and In: Wives that draw as strong as Leeches, Women that do wear the Breeches; You that have your ground lie fallow, Rachel Riggle, Susan swallow: If your cases will bear action, Here you may have satisfaction. Clerk. I Perceive we must with speed call a new Court, therefore it shall not be a miss to provide two horned Maces, that may spread themselves from one side of the streets to the other, to clear all before us, and to procure some attendance on Mars' Livery to guard us: and for that end I have bespoken a Horn-work, that is already made, being a font of invincible strength to curb those that shall insult over us; raise any Mutiny, o● disturb the Proceed of our Court: and now, since we have all thing●●● readiness, let us proclaim our Court, and proceed to Justice. O Yes, O Yes, O Yes; If there be any Man or Woman, in City, Town or Country, that hath been Married a Year and a Day, and cannot have their desires of ea●● other, in performance of Covenants, they have free liberty to d●aw up their aggrievances, ●ud present th●m to Fumblers-Hall, an● they shall have speedy redress. Or if a●y ●e troubled with the Yellows, or Corns on their Foreheads, or the Napes of their Necks, they shall (paying the Fees of the Court) be suddenly cured of the same. But I hear the Din already, that the Bench is sat, and the company crowding in, and therefore I must make no delay, but proceed to read their Indiaments; therefore Marry Marall and John Jolly-boy, appear in the Court, and answer to your several Indictments, upon the forfeiture of your recognizances. Enter Margery Marall, and John jolly-boy. Marg. I desire of the Court, that I may first speak for myself. I am a Woman my Lord, and have nothing to defend me but my Tongue, and I am blest with more wit than my Husband, why should not I advance it to my uttermost profit? Yes, I will in spite of Fate: and since I have Married a Fool, a Fool I'll make of him; My Lord, he is not capable of ruling a Wife, and therefore 'tis fit a Wife should rule him; it must be a wise Man that governs a Woman, my Lord. john. An't please you my Lord, I had good Lands and Live, Houses, and House-hold-stuff, , and Pullen abomination, all which I made her Mistress of, though she had not a Smock to her breech, when I first married her: presently after she engrossed all to herself, became a free-state, and made me (not a Duke of Venice) but a meet property, a john Hold-my-staff, an't please ye: so that I could not be Master of a Penny I had: she made me Dine with her Servants too, and lie above in the Garret, where she would lock me in every night, and let me out at her pleasure. If this be fair my Lord, I appeal to the Wisdom of your Court: nay, she kept retainers too, and would lock me up in the Cellar amongst the small-Beer, while she was above in the Chamber with her Bottles of Wine, Sweetmeats, and other junkets, Well my Lords, none knows where the Shoe wrings but myself: If it where your Lordship's case, as it is mine, I am sure you would never endure it. That Man that let's his Wife bear rule, Shall be both Wittol, Cuckold, and fool. Mast. Come, come, I say you shall submit to your Wife, and be a good Subject too, you had best, or you shall hear from us. Marg. I thank your Honour, I'll warrant you. Clerk. Susan Shrews-face, and Richard Draball, appear in the Court, and answer to what shall be objected against you. Enter Seusan Shrews-face, and Dick Draball. Susan. Gentlemen, they say a cursed Cow hath short Horns, but they that meddle with me shall find that I have Horns, Sting, and Venom too, besides these ten Weapons at my finger's ends, call 'em what you will: if I charge, 'tis not with false fire, but with Granades, Wildfire, and the Artillery of Mischief, that ever a Woman can invent; if I once give the Alarm, beware of my Gun-shot with power, i'll fall on right or wrong; would I could see any sneaking Cuckold of them all that dares to charge me: Uts Fut, I'll quickly make him know sorrow, saw off his Horns, and put him to Grass; my Nicodemus follows Whores, an't please ye, spends all, Pawns his very breeches from his arse for 'em, 'twould make an Honest Woman speak, that had never a Tongue: they call me Shrew, but better be Shrew then a Sheep, though I have a Sheehead to my Husband, that's bewitched to dissembling whores whose faces are Lures, their Beauty's Baits, their looks Net●, and their Charms: and all to be witch silly Gulls and to bring them to sivine. Dick. Patience good Wife, 'tis thy ●urstness that undoes me, and makes me run-out. Susan. Sirrah, I'll thunder such a Peal in your ears, shall drive thee and thy Whores from Bridewell to Newgate, and from thence to the Devil; I'll make Clubs Trumpets: and therefore, look to thy Coxcomb. (beats him) Dick. O good wife, spare but my life, and i'll mend presently. Susan. No, i'll scratch, tear, and kick thee limb from limb: and blow thee round the World as Atoms. Dick. What greater misery breeds a poor man's curse, Then a bad wife, a whore, or empty purse. Mast. The judgement of the Court is that for thy Fornication, thou shalt live wretched, and Dye a Beggar, thy wife's Tongue ringing thy dying Peal, Call in the rest Clerk. Sisly Suck-pot, Robert Rooksby, Winny Vvagtail, Joseph Woodcock, appear in the Court, and save your Bayl. (from without) Mess. Sir, here's all the Scolds and Alley-birds in London, and the Suburbs, for their Liberties and Freedoms, ●ot● of ●ongues, and T●les: they th●e aren and speak high words against this Court: there fore ●ight I advi●e you, you shall adjourn the Court, for fear of further mischief: for they sing like Parrots, are all Horn-mad, carrying the Midsummer-Moon in their Banners. Mast. 'Tis good Council, Women a●e full of danger, and too subtle for we Men: therefore we will take your Council. Clerk. Adjourn our Court ●ntif another time, and give n●●ice to all the more civil Women, that they shall shortly expect the Songs of these Alley-Birds. Which if it can but once delight 'em; The Devil after can't affright 'um. EPILOGUE. IN the mean time good Women all, You're welcome to our Fumblers Hall, Of your own will you cannot fail, To have content from head to tail. FINIS. The Summons. THESE are to Will and require. That upon present Summons by Virtue of these presents he forth with maketh his Personal appearance at Fumblers-Hall, in ●ee●l●-Court, at the sign of the La●●ur-●●vuin, near unto the M●idenbead in Doe-l●●tle Lane, there to answer for his corporal disabilities, and such other charge as shall be objected against him by the present power, as he will answer the contrary at his peril. Given under our Hands. Ben. Badcock. Dan. Doe-little. Fran. Fain-would W. Would-do-more Peter Prickless. Sir Ferdinando Fumbler, Clerk of the Company.