PLUTO Furens & Vinctus; OR, The Raging Devil BOUND.  
A Modern Farce.  
Per Philocomicum. First Edition.  Is legibus nocens, & falsi damnatus, inter alia belli mala ordinem Senatorium recipe raverat— Serendae invidiae in alios artifex discordiis, & seditionibus potens, raptor largitor, pace pessimus, bell● non spernendus C. Tac. 
AMSTELODAMI; In usum Theatri Amstelredemensis, 1669.   

To Sir John James, Sir Will. Greene, Sir Sam. Starlyn, Sir John Forth Sheriff of London; John Breden, John Bucknall, Aldermen; Emery Hill, Esq; with the rest of the Worshipful Corporation of Brewers.  
HAaving lately an Occasion that called me into the Country about a small Affair, relating to a Member of your Company, I there accidentally had an opportunity to behold the Great Houses of Charity belonging to your Corporation; amongst the rest, I visited two Almshouses, and two Schools, in which Schools I found many expert and witty Boys, and very opportunely came to be a Spectator of a Play Acted by the Boys of one of the Schools, which was performed beyond belief, for such Actors whose business is not Plays; and then beholding the good Order and Method of the Government of the School and Almshouses, and the decent provision for the Poor; and then reflected back, and beheld the Stern that guided them, (which are you Worthy Gentleman men) and there I found not only your Care to preserve the Ancient and Noble Acts of Charity of your Predecessors, even in the worst of Times, but observed your great Industry, Wisdom, and Discretion in making Additions daily for the relief of your Poor, and adding greater strength to your Corporation, as you lately have done by renewing your Charter; nor are you only prudent amongst yourselves, but are thought fit Ministers to be entrusted by State of a great Branch of his Majesty's Revenue, which is so discreetly managed, that your Burden is thought light, to former Undertakers; and that Clamour hath seized, which was wont to be heard in the Streets. And such is your Loyalty, that in great straits, who more ready are to advance Money from your thriving Banks; neither can I forget your former Activeness to advance the King's Restauration, when by your Politic and hazardous Undertaking, you stopped all the Excise Duty, which was the ruin both of Lambert, Army, and Committee of Safety, which purchased a Prison to some of you, and others great trouble; but I fear I am to blame to undertake to sifter out your Worth, and therefore only beg the favour, that your Boys may accept my Piece of Play, which is the first that ere I writ, and being near Christmas Holidays, I hope their Master will give them leave to Act it; until my other Play be finished, which is now on the Stocks, and will be quickly Printed, until than I take my leave, and subscribe myself,  
Your Old Servant, C. F.   

TO THE READER.  
IT hath always been observed, that the Maxims of Reason are in themselves coherent; and that the Methods of Fortune in her several progresses, have been as varying as the vicissitudes of humane Affairs in themselves; from whence we may conclude 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ill Fortune (taking her still as a Goddess) never crushed any man whom 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the good Goddess had not first deceived: I therefore advise thee (my Friend) never to give a credit to those smiles which are primarily deceitful; for, although they pretend friendship and peace, yet whatever proceeds thence, are but temporary advantages, that with Proteus, change face every minute: but if thou canst so place them, as to be willing upon demand to surrender the same without troubling thy quiet, or otherwise to keep such a distance between her and thyself, that thou canst answer all perversnesses with an Omnia mea mecum porto; then thou wilt at least seem plusquam victor, more than a Conqueror. He knows not his own strength who never tried it; Adversity brings us into the Ring to wrestle, and makes us, in defence of our Reputation, show all we can: And if our endeavours prove too weak, Hercules will help, Heaven prepares good men with Crosses which are mala per accidens, but malum in se, evil quatenus evil never happened to a good man. Contraries can never be reconciled, yet lose of their strictness by variety of tempers, for what happens to one, may chance to another, and it is as well in his humour as Reason, what he accounts it, and will make it.  
That there is an indispensable Fate that hurries every man to his end, even beyond his own intention; there is uncertainty in Wisdom as well as Folly, for all is Vanity. When a man deviseth by policy to save himself, that very policy leads him to ruin. Decrees are passed upon us, and our own wit often hunts us into the snares that we would above all things avoid: what we suspect and would fly, that we cannot: what now is an Asylum, proves anon a Prison: we design that for a means of our preservation, which proves our destruction; and what we thought our greatest disadvantage, proves our safety: So that man is the Tenice-ball of Time, sometimes taken from the Plough, to the Throne; and thence again, on a sudden, dejected to the Prison and a Halter, as if there were such an Aequilibrium between Felicity and Misery, that no man could avoid being wretched or happy, or both. But not admitting that, yet supposing ourselves possessed of Fortunatus his Cap, whereby we might enjoy the full accomplishment of our desires, who would be more miserable than he that should cull out his own ways? What a specious show carried Midas his wish with it, and how it paid him at last with ruin? Though God in the Creation of man called a Council Faciamus, yet ever since in all things he will work alone, and man must not be of his Council. I have within the small compass of my few years seen matters so unexpectedly fall out, that they have tutored me in all Affairs, neither to despair, nor presume.  
It is said of Martius, That one day made him Emperor, the second saw him Rule, and the third showed him Slain by his Soldiers: see here the slippery estate of even the greatest persons; however, I will not despair, because I have a God; nor dare I presume, because I am but a man. Take Seneca's counsel.  

Nemo confidat nimium secundis  
Nemo desperet, meliora lapsus,  
Miscet hae illis prohibetque Cloth  
Stare Fortunum.   

Let none fall in despair to rise,  
Nor trust too great Prosperities;  
Clotho so mingling both commands,  
That neither stands.   
Therefore, my old Friend, when I pondered your other days discourse, wherein you blamed my miscarriages and misfortunes, reflecting upon my imprisonment and necessities, despising poverty, and a mean estate; I looking upon your famous Buildings, and great undertakings in the World, I cast my eye backwards to former Ages, and there beheld with pity and admiration those stupendious Mausoleums the Heroes of that time built for the honour of their Names, and eaten up by the steely Teeth of Time, or else rest but as Monuments of their Pride and Luxury. What is become of Caligula's Bridge over the Bajae, or the Bituminated Wall of Babylon? No Fortifications can hold against the cruel devastations of Time: Who would have thought, that when Scanderbag was laid in his Tomb, the Turks should afterwards rifle it, and wear his Bones as precious Relics, or Jewels to support their Valour? We are so far from leaving any thing certain to Posterity, that we are not sure to enjoy what we have while we live. Nay, sometimes we live to see greater changes in our own time, than we could ever imagine to happen to our Offspring for the future, according to that of the Poet.  
Who hath not heard of Croesus' heaps of Gold,  
Yet knows his Foe did him a Prisoner hold?  
He that once awed Sycilia's proud extent,  
By a poor Art could Famine scarce prevent?  
Have you not seen strange things happen of late years? who durst within less than a Lustrum have told the late Lord Chancellor, that he should be forced to abscond himself from the people's rage? or that Brunkard should have fled for so heinous miscarriages? Were they not both great and shining, not to say Stars, but Meteors? Who, till of late, durst have walked the Exchange, and reported, that the three Brothers B—'s would be Prisoners in the King's Bench, with many other Aldermen, some of them England's Croessusses, as they were thought, for their great Wealth? Who would have thought such a destroying Plague, mischievous War, and calcining Fire, should not have awakened our sinful Nation? but all these have prevailed nothing.  
To begin therefore a Reformation, let us (my Dear Friend) advance it in ourselves, and so ex particularibus generalia, by uniting Particulars we shall make it General. For my own part, I am resolved by the assistance from above, to prefer honest Adversity, before undue Prosperity. Although Prosperum & foelix nefas virtus vocatur, & Probitas laudatur & alget, however the titulary honour of Prosperous Villainy hath not prevailed against the withering Laurel of Praised Honesty; for from hence it comes to pass, that wise men chose goodness, and Virtue attended with Affliction, and the burdens of unpleasing Accidents, rather than Vice waited on, and garlanded with all the soft demulsions of a present contentment. Hereof might be produced many Examples, one only I will name, which is of Socrates, who being committed to custody by Public Authority (though unjustly) would neither attempt to break Prison, nor offer any violence, or indignity to Justice, to purchase his Life or Liberty. The rules of Virtue are not perfectly to be learned without a severe Tutor: The Rod of Discipline, and the Fire of Affliction can only scour us from our dross, and burn off all our rust; and hereby the faithful learn all those other excellent perfections, accompanied with other glorious Graces.  
I confess this, rara avis, a great novelty to see a Rich or Potent man Religious, for Religion (a religando) binds up, and restrains, whereas Riches tempt and prompt to licentious Libertinism. Our Saviour's Parable of a Camel passing a Needle's Eye, was durus sermo, but himself explained the Text. When wealth abounds, men seldom come by sufferings to be sober; they buy out their penance, and cast overboard those Considerations that should make them serious. They are so swelled by the slavish humoring of their Attendants, and so elated by the crouchings of all about them, that enveloped with sensuality, they not only miss of knowing themselves, but others; and by the pravity of their weak Nature, are so set on the solaces of this life, that they seldom have time to think of another, or better. There is most commonly a Worm in the fairest Fruit, which makes it decay. The best inclinations of humane Nature are vitiated by Pride, which sooner seizeth the Peacock with his beautiful Train, than the lean bald-Coot. Old Jacob begged but only Food and Raiment, and Agar prayeth directly against Plenty; and though Solomon was so wise as not to ask it, yet we see, when he had it, it had well-nigh eaten out all his wisdom. But, there is one thing in wealth which fascinates beyond all these, in that it is apt to seduce a man into a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, a love of himself, and a self-conceit of his wisdom; whence haply it might be, that when Simonides was asked which was best for man, Wealth or Wisdom, he made a scruple, as doubting what answer to give; and the reason was, as he said, That he had often observed wise men wait and attend at the houses of rich men: but alas, if waiting in this age were all, it would be excusable; but the pride of our Great Ones is so exorbitant, that after a tedious attendance, at last comes an answer indeed, but so full of disdain and tyranny, that would affright the hearer. And this might be the cause of what one said, That a rich Tyrant is the worst of all wild Beasts; and a rich Christian, one of Christ's Wonders. Nihil honestius, saith Seneca, magnificentiusque quam pecunias contemnere si non habeas, ad beneficentiam libertatemque confer; If we have not wealth, 'tis Noble and Princely not to be fond after it; but far more Heroic, if we have it, to sow it into Charity and Beneficence: but, whether so or no, 'tis the custom of the World, to magnify the wealthy man, though of never so mean parts; whereas poverty must be despised, though attended with never so many virtuous Qualities; so that to be Rich, is to be three parts of the way onward to perfection, while Poverty is a pavement for the highminded man to tread on: Gold is the only Cover-led of Imperfections, is Folly's Curtain to hide all defects from the World. We in these Times differ from the Ancient Heathen, they made Jupiter their chief Deity, but we have crowned Pluto, on whom wait the mellisonant Muses, and worthy Graces for hire; Mercury is his Messenger; Mars musters under his Banner for pay; Venus becomes his Prostitute; and Cupid himself, that blind, but powerful Numen, yet can do no feats, but with his Golden-headed Arrow. 'Tis Money makes a Gentleman, an Alderman, or Poet Laureate, as may be read in witty Sir John Sucklin his Session of the Poets; as also excellently well described by Petronius.  
The moneyed man can safely sail all Seas,  
And make his Fortune as himself shall please;  
He can wed Danae, and command that now  
Acrisius self that fatal match allow;  
He can declaim, chide, censure, Verses write,  
And do all things better than Cato might;  
He knows the Law, and rules it; hath, and is  
Whole Servius, and what Labeo would possess:  
In brief, Let rich men wish, what ere they love  
Will come: they in a locked Chest keep a Jove.  
Now is the time whereof Diogenes foretold, when he gave a reason why he would be buried grovelling, We have made the Earth's bottom powerful to the lofty sky, Gold that lay buried in the lowest parts, is now made the head of all our enterprises; yet after all, I for my own part look upon wealth without worth, but as a rich saddle upon an ass's back.  
As to my Restraint, which is another Joint whereon you insisted, I am almost of Cicero's opinion, Non nobis solum, sed ad decus & libertatem nati sumus. The greatest Prince that ever was produced by Woman, comes into the World insanguined, and is a poor resistless Slave to the first Arms he falls into. Imprisonment is not such a mischief as the World ignorantly reputes it: the greatest of it is, in that the Eye is debarred from the delight of the World's variety; yet is not this total, but in part and local only; for to a good man, a prison is no more than a place of retiring and sequestration from the world, which many both of the wisest and greatest have voluntarily taken upon themselves, witness, Demosthenes, Dioclesian, Charles the Fifth, etc. besides many other, whose Examples would be without number. Now, although by this kind of pleading, we alleviate the cruelty of Fate, yet Nature pleads for Liberty; and though Command may be easy, yet sometimes they grate and gall; yet still if we appeal to the mind of man, it will affirm, That it is better being a King, though in a Tub, then to be a Slave in a Palace roofed with Gold. If then I have Liberty (which is so generally esteemed) I will rest in the Privileges that accrue by it: And if I want it, yet will I satisfy myself with the benefits that attend that want, so that in either estate, I will make Content my fellow.  
Dear Friend, give me leave to hope for this Liberty, although haply, you will say, hope many times falls short, and therein proves a man's greatest Enemy, according to that of the Wise Man, Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; yet is it not to be denied, that this very Hope is the miserable and afflicted mars chiefest refuge and shelter, which doth in the hardest gripe of Calamity never fail to yield him beams of Comfort. How many had sunk and perished under the pressure of their troubles, had not Hope sustained them? Nay, who surrounded with Calamities would not despair, if smiling Hope did not cheer him with expectation of deliverance. To this purpose is an ingenious Epigram of Tibullus.  
Hope Flatters life, and says she'll still bequeath  
Better, else I had cured all ills by death;  
Through this the Farmer doth his Grain commit  
To earth, which with large use replentieth it.  
The Snares, the Birds, and Fishes as they glide,  
Catch at small hooks, that cozening baits do hide.  
Hope cheers the shackled Prisoner, who while's thigh  
Rings with his Chain, yet works and sings on high.  
Sir, I will end this Discourse; only first, I must put you in remembrance of your unkindness of upbraiding me of your Favours done to me since my Troubles; If Love (as the word of Truth affirms) will cover a multitude of Sins; Friendship, which is the perfect growth of Love, ought, without peradventure much more to hide infirmities. Whoever doth a Courtesy to another, and after upbraids him with it, expecting a return, is certainly kind only to himself: who looks for a requital, serves himself, not me: If he often recount the Favours he hath done me, thereby he cancels the debt I owed him, files off the chains that kept me his Prisoner, and with his Tongue unlooseth the fetters his hands had put on If I be able to do a courtesy, I rebate it by repeating, and blot it out when I go about to Text it; and the Receiver becomes unworthy of it, if he forget it. It was thus long since declared by the sententious Seneca, Beneficii inter duos lex est, alter statim oblivisci debet dati, alter accepti nunquam; Qui dedit beneficium taceat, narret qui accepit; Between two Friends it is the Law of Kindness, That he that doth it forgets it presently; but, he that doth receive it, never: Let him that bestows it, be silent; but, let him that takes it, speak thereof: He that blows a Trumpet at his almsgiving is a Pharisee in Friendship, and intitleth himself to the check which Marshal bestows on talking Posthumus, (wherewith I will conclude)  
What, Posthumus, thou hast done, I'll ne'er forget,  
Why should I smother't, when thou trumpetst it?  
When I to any do thy gifts relate,  
He presently replies, I heard Him say't;  
Some things become not two, here one may serve;  
If I must tell, do thou thyself reserve.  
Believe me, Posthume, though thy gifts be vast,  
They perish, when the Author's Tongue runs waste.   

dramatis Personae.  

PLuto.  
Proserpina.  
Sir Edward Lack-Latine.  
Size Ace.  
Pitt-fall.  
Instrument.  
Shackles.  
Capt. Brandy.  
Cape. Bub.  
Want-Practise.  
Ordinary or Bishop.  
Intelligence.  
Tip-staffe.  
Sir Foulmouth unlearned.  
Surribus.  
Capt. Honesty.  
Lieut. Well-meaning.  
Mr. Meerly-drawn-in.  
High Constable.  
Magna Charta.  
Mrs. Sorrow.  
Sir Empty-Scull Foreman of the Jury. Juror.  
Capt. Bluster. Juror.  
Capt. Want-Credit. Juror.  
Col. Plunder. Juror.  
Capt. Tripan. Juror.  
Capt. Bulysany. Juror.  
Capt. Indigent. Juror.  
Capt. Kick-a-Tan. Juror.  
Capt. Privilege. Juror.  
Capt. Sponge. Juror.  
Capt. Ignorance. Juror.  
Capt. Flutterer. Juror.    

Prologue.  
WHat need our Work a Prologue? shall it  
Be decked, when none knows what to call it?  
It is, you may be bold to say,  
No Tragy-Comedie, no Play;  
For none but Pluto's Courtiers are  
Vilians and Tripans Act it here:  
Nor yet a Farce you can it call,  
That hides, but this uncovers all;  
Cruel Lust the good man kills,  
Fraud the Court-Triumphant fills;  
And they hate even those they kiss;  
Good men ill rewarded is;  
And the Chaste are poor, while Vice  
Lords it by Adulteries:  
And when they have performed this Play,  
Our Poet will work the other day;  
And he'll once more betray their Guiles,  
And Counterplot their chiefest Wiles.  
Yet, truly Friends, I've no intent  
Yet to be held a Fool in Print.   


Actus I. Scen. I.  Enter Shackles, Cap. Brandy, and Cap. Bub. Shac. 
NOw you Rogues, here is like to be brave times, the Sword, the Sword; and Liberty.  Bub. 
What Sword? what Liberty?  Shac. 
Why Sirrah, to lie with thy Wife, or Brandy's Wife: here is my Commission, you sons of sinners; read, I am, in short, Marshal General by Commission from—  Bub. 
No body: Pox on't, Brandy le●'s be gone, this is a Brandynian lie or Commission; we'll not venture hanging under such a preheminenc, Privilege and Profit.  Bran. 
If this be your great preferment, I have the same, it cost me Five Pounds when I first marched under Pluto; you told me there was a new Court to be erected, and that Coff, Philo's House should be plundered.  Shac. 
Peace you thick sculled slave, look who's there: even Pluto himself with his Privy Council. Let us withdraw.  Exeunt. Enter Pluto, Sir Foulmouth unlearned, Lack-Latine, or Law-Practice, and Instrument. Pluto, 
By your favour, Sir Foulmouth, I am for your Westminster-Hall Dammee. Do you think that I will be a bubble to your hooks: my Sword ever hated a damned English Jury.  Sir Foulmouth, 
Give me leave to give you your 200 l. and I am gone; I wish I could as well part with my Dub, as I can give you your 200 l. I would never be for you more: yet be ruled, and I will put you in a kind of an Arbitrary way.  Pluto, 
As much as you can: but give me my 200 l. again, then go drink all night, and the next morning forget 'tis a Hall-day, Lose your Client's Cause, 'tis not the first time you took a Fee, when you did not understand your breviate.  Sir Foulmouth. 
Then farewell Pluto. I believe you will find the bold Britain at Grays-Inn of my mind— Exit.  Pluto. 
He is gone; and now he is gone, what is he but a blackmouthed bawling senseless fellow, one that can only throw dirt on an honest Witness without Cavere? Law he hath none: but why do I rage? I am resolved to take thy counsel, Dear Lack-Latine and Practice, and you Instrument will be a great advancer of our design, therefore let us go in and settle our Affairs.  Exeunt.  

Scen. II.  Enter Sice-Ace, and Pitfal. Sice-Ace. 
Truly Sister Pitfal, I did not like Proserpina's last nights discourse, I know her birth, she was Sweet-Scents daughter, and you were born in Cheshire out of Saltpetre, and myself of the old Charcole's Family in Staffordshire; and I pray mingle us together, and we are as good as Gunpowder, and have been as soon Fired and Blown up as her Highness was:— But I will no longer endure her French tricks: Do you mark how she cogs a Die? O she outstrips you far, Pitfal!  Pitfal. 
And I always lose on Sice-Ace.  Exeunt.  

Scen. III.  Enter Cap. Bluster, Cap. Plunder, Cap. Ignorance, with the rest of the Jurors. Blust. 
What in his own name? I mean the Devil's name, I must speak plain to you Cap. Ignorance; I say again, what? doth Pluto intend by our Summons to make us Jurymen? Be it, I am resolved to do nothing without a fat Buck out of Enfield Chase, and 20 pieces beside: Who do you think is like to be Foreman, marry, Sir Confident Empty-Scull, a mere plain Ale Rogue? O, I hate a Rogue that will be drunk with Ale; besides he can neither Write nor Read, neither has wit to know how to say agreed. But hold, here is Tipst off coming, I think, look about you. We shall, I warrant you receive Orders from Pluto's Court.  Enter Tip-staffe, with a Warrant, which he reads to them. Tip. 
You Gentlemen Hecks of the Jury are to make your personal appearance to morrow at 8 a clock in the forenoon exactly at Pluto's Court; and I am to desire you, that you will neither drink, nor go to Sodom this night, because weighty affairs require your more than ordinary courage: and after your Verdict is delivered, you shall find Pluto's Cooks dressing you a good Dinner under the Sun next to Hell Gate.  Cap. Sponge. 
Well Tip-staffe, is this all? what, nothing in hand? then I shall be sick in the morning: I would his Highness had sent Bub or Brandy, we might have held out with them 6 or 7 hours.  Tipst. 
Farewell Worthies of matter of Fact.  Cap. Plunder. 
Well brother Jurors you remember eight a clock to morrow. we'll not be long upon the Evidence; for Pluto's Dinner may then be spoiled: me thinks I see Col. Judgement and Want-Credit, knuckle deep in Venison Pasties: in the interim le's lose no time: I am for the Sack shop: Farewell.  Omnes. 
Farewell and be hanged, that's twice God b'w'y '  Exeunt.  

Scen. IU.  Enter Pluto, Lack-Latine, Practice, Instrument, Shackles, Tip-staffe, Bub, Brandy and Surribus. Pluto. 
Let us sit down, and hear the Commission read.  Instrument. 
Do you read it, and then my dear friends you will thereby understand what Officers and Instruments are designed for you.  Enter Proserpina. Proserp. 
What Treason's this black Council of the Deep? Do you intent without my knowledge here to settle yourselves, and leave me out? am not I (as the Diverb says) the Grey Mare? what if I lost the other night 200 l. in Sice-Ace's company, which by the clack of Caerion Pitfall's everflitting tongue came to my Pluto's ears? did I abate aught of my grandeur, or let fall my Pride? And shall I now admit—  Pluto. 
Patience Proserpina, if you'll ha' while withdraw, you shall find things done answerable to your mind, Side—  
But friends, are you willing that Proserpina shall be joined with you in the Commission of Oyer and Terminer? she may do us good service, for she has a notable Head, though at Play her luck be naught, but that Peccadillo I have forgiven: speak Gentlemen, are you willing she shall be joined?  Latin for all. 
Yes so, if it please your Highness.  Pluto. 
Then interline her name, and let her sit as one of Us.  Bishop. 
I first desire to be heard one word, that is, if her Highness offer to speak French, there are 2 or 3 damned English Jurymen that will be yery cross, and spoil the Verdict, your Highness therefore must engage her to leave off that while she sits in Court.  Pluto. 
Well moved, and like a Bishop or Ordinary.  
Call Proserpina in— You are welcome Madam, pray sit quiet till the Commission be read.  Proserp. 
Tell not me of quiets, before I'll be obliged to that, I'll know how I stand in the Commission, or else you shall keep no quiet Sessions here: you know I made a disturbance at a greater meeting than this.  Pluto. 
Stop a Pin there.  Proserp. 
What, because you and I were out of favour for it. But proceed to Read if you will.  Pluto. 
You Rascal Cryer, must you be called on to do your duty. Make an O yes, and proclaim silence.  Silence being made, the Crier reads the Commission, as follows. Cryer. 
Pluto and Proserpina, Lord and Lady of the Deeds of the under world, etc. send greeting: To our Right Trusty and well beloved Sir Edward Lack-Latine my Recorder, Post Practise my Solicitor General, Dick Instrument my Remembrancer, and to our Trusty Shackles our Jailor, Cap. Bub, and Cap. Brandy Setting-Dogs, and Turn keys to Shackles, with Tipstaff, Surribus, Want-Practice, etc. Know Ye, That forasmuch as Truth, Virtue, and a Quiet Life is like to be promoted against the Interest of ourselves by a damned Turk named Coffophilo. We of our Princely Grace and Favour do Authorize you to meet, whereof 3 of you to be a Quorum, and that you cause Jurors to come before you. to inquire the best way to destroy the growth of this Coffo Filo, for Reasons best known to ourselves.—  Proserp. 
Read no further.  Pluto. 
Why? are you pleased Madam?  Pros. 
No.  Pluto. 
What is the Reason?  Pros. 
Because all our Titles are not in the Front of the Commission, as Captain General—  Pluto. 
Prithee, Wife, Peace, that Title I dare not own. Mum for that—— But M. Recorder tell the Court your opinion, what is the best way to stifle this Heresy of Coffo Philo.  Sir Edw. 
May it please your Highness, I desire to be truly informed whether you will take an Arbitrary way, or what way.  Pluto. 
Any way to do my business.  S. Edw. 
Would your Highness have him so stopped, that he shall never appear.  Pluto. 
Pish, I tell you S. Edward I would have him stocked up by the Roots; for if any branches be left, they may first grow to overtop me, and then make me shorter by the Head.  Pract. 
Let me advise your Highness to Indict him in 17 Indictments, some for his Life, and others for Forgery, etc. But you must have some witnesses to swear.  Pluto. 
Why, I myself will swear, who swears more? Dammmee I never heard such a question; You Shackles, S. Edward, and Bub, and Brandy will all swear: yea and there is Instrument an excellent swearer; you know how diligent he was to get and suborn swearers in wronged M. Fitton's 'Cause.  S. Edw. 
Spare me a word: what if Shackles, with Bub, Brandy, and others go to Coffo-Philo's house, and rifle his Closet, seize his goods, and frighten his wife and children; in this attempt you must be sure to send Coffo-Philo's Brothers to Shackle's house; and when you have entered, you must send some of your Troop to keep Guard there, under pretence of Authority, I will swear he owes me 500 l. and that will colour the work.  Pluto. 
O most excellent S. Edw. no more of Dub, and 200 l. for a Fee, thou deservest 2000 l.  Pract. 
Besides, I advise your Highness to employ Shackles with his setting-dogs at a close scent upon Coffophilo himself; however, enter 13 Actions in your own Court, make use of any body's name, 'tis no matter, this will hinder his growth.  Pluto. 
Bravely moved Post-practice.  Instrum. 
I humbly move that the Warrant may be signed, and Shackles sent about his work.  Tip-staffe. 
The Jurors are at the door, and are impatient to be gone under the Sun next to Hell, to their dinner.  S. Edw. 
Call in the Foreman, and then discharge them till to morrow; hang a little charge, Coffophilo shall pay all at last.  Exeunt.  

Scen. V.  Enter Sice-Ace, Pitfal, and the 4 Tryers. Sice-Ace. 
Sister Pitfal, what do you think is the meaning of the Court, that it sits so long? I do mightily want S. Edw. and am undone at play with these Tryers.  Pitfal. 
Gentlemen, I hope you will have us to a Play to day, for our Husbands are so busy grown, that we have nothing from them either night or day, but starts in their sleeps; you were telling me Sister how your Husband starts in his sleep.  Sice-Ace. 
True it is; for he not only starts, but cries out— O Conscience! Here I could have you Coffophilo: run him through, and then we shall be quiet.  Pitfal. 
Alas dear sister; And my Husband another's night cried out, I am Damned, I will kill Pluto that is the cause of it: Poor Coffophilo, I ask thee forgiveness.— But hear me sister Sice-Ace, and you Gentlemen Tryers; When I kept a Sempstress shop in the Strand, but more particularly, when I was an Actress at the Playhouse in Vere-Street, I was in bed with a Man. (This was before I was married) who laying hold of me, cried out, You damned Whore 'tis you have undone me; and alas, I never lay with him but that night, and thus—  Sice-Ace. 
Fie sister, Did you let out your Salt-pit before marriage?  Pitfal. 
Why Madam, do not I know your good Ladyship? but you dare not say so much before your Gallant, the pitiful shabbed Tryer.  Tryer 
Peace Ladies, Hark! we are called for into Court.  Enter at one door Pluto, with Attendants; at the other, Shackles, Bub, Brandy, and the 4 Tryers. Pluto. 
There is your Warrant Shackles, use your dexterity and art; I know there is Bub, and Brandy, and all those Four Gentlemen will do their parts— I was a dreamt Gentlemen, that just such an honest fellow as Shackles and you Gentlemen, were employed to take Coffophilo; and, methoughts, one of you did cunningly run his Sword into his Belly, so that he died; this was so slily done, that it was no hard matter to make it Accident: It cannot be termed Murder by any Law, nor so much as Manslaughter; for as our mortal enemy, if he be killed cunningly or foolishly, I can get— you know what I mean: you most excellent friends, farewell, and try what can be done for a friend.  Tip-staffe sends for the Jury to come to the Bar. Tip-staffe goes out, and presently returns with the Jury. S. Edward. 
May it please your Highness to have the Jury sworn?  Pluto. 
Yes, give them their Oaths.  Tip-staffe. 
S. Confident Empty-Skull, come to the Book.  
You shall well, but not truly try the matter in question named in the Indictments between our L. Pluto, and Coffophilo; and such a Verdict give, as may take away his Life and Goods, etc. and destroy him root and branch. So help you Pluto. Kiss this Carbine and Belt.  Cap. Bluster. Cap. Want-credit. Col. Plunder. Cap. Trapan. 
Is not here enough at a time?  S. Edw. 
No, all to the Book at once.  Tip-staffe. Cap. Bully-Sany. Col. Indigent. Cap. Kickt-a-Lan. Cap. Privilege. Cap. Sponge. Cap. Ignorance, and Cap. Flutterer. S. Edw. 
The same Oath your Foreman hath taken, you for your parts shall well and truly keep. So help you Pluto, or a Payday.  Pract. 
Gentlemen Hecks of the Jury, Coffophilo stands here Indicted for that he being no Soldier, nor in Pay, nor Roll, departed from his Colours against the Statute Anno tertio Hen. 8. cap. 5. We will prove him guilty of that Statute, no matter for his being in the Roll, or being no Soldier, or not in pay: To prove this, his Highness swears, and Instrument, and many others.  S. Edw. 
Give his Highness the Book.  Pluto. 
Dam 'tis true; what is it you mean?  S. Edw. 
Now swear Instrument.  Instr. 
I do swear, (because I dare do no other) that his Highness swears true.  Pluto. 
Gentlemen of the Jury, I desire to take a General Oath to all the Indictments at once, and S. Edw. and Instrum. will do the like.  Iury. 
That shall serve, for 'tis past twelve.  Cap. Blust. 
And I have taken but 4 pipes of Tobacco to day.  The Oath. Pluto , S. Edw. and Instr. swear. 
We do swear, that the whole contents of these 17 Indictments are true.  Foreman of the Iury. 
We have evidence enough, let us deliver our Verdict.  Jury. 
Agreed.  Tip-staffe. 
A Verdict.  Cap. Want. 
Hold M. Foreman, who pays the Jury?  Cap. Indig. 
I will be paid, before I agree to deliver the Verdict.  Cap. Bluster. 
Verdict not me, for I'll no Verdict till after Dinner, and Money.  The rest of the Iury. 
And so we say all, except our Foreman Empty-skull.  Pluto. 
You are very bold with the Court; either deliver your Verdict, or I'll send you to Shackles  Proserp. 
ay, do Husband, fort bone fet mon Dieu, mon Dieu Cockeu d'Angletere.  Cap. Priu. 
Madam, what is that you say, Dieu Gwin Cuckol? I am half a Britain; I do say you curse us in downright stark Welsh: Dieu Gwin, is White God; but as you pronounce it, it is Rogue in White; Grave and Cocken, is a mere Cuckold of the Mountains: give me the price of the Whisk I gave your Ladyship when I gave 5 l. to boot, besides 12 l. 10 s. for Belt, Hoose, and Feathers, and I will quit the Troop presently: I observed when we were sworn, it was on a Carbine belt; I knew, and told some of my fellows then, we should have a French exaction on us.  Cap. Ignorance. 
I protest when I saw it, I began to think—  Cap. Want-credit. 
Madam, as brisk as you call us in French, you will give us leave to ask our own in English: Pray Madam, give me the Diamond Ring that was my Grandmothers, which I gave you to come into the Troop, and I will quit it presently.  Cap. Flutter. 
Then Madam, let me speak too; for I gave 50 l. besides riding six months for nothing, and yet paid for my preeminencies, profits, and privileges, Belt, Hooses, and Feathers, and Arms to the Adjutant. Give me but my 50 l. and I will say such a prayer, which I will leave in charge to my posterity; it shall be but short, these 3 or 4 words, from being under the Command of Pluto, and his Emissaries, Goodness Defend us.  Proserp. 
My Husband, sela set un frepone.  Col. Plund. 
Ha Madam! have I caught you, calling us names in Irish? Hone, is mutinous Rogue; I do speak in behalf of some of my brother Jurors, pay us but the 18 Months we rid in the Troop for nothing, we'll never trouble you more; then we say fur tutor; or fur foutre, French Madam: I think I have plundered you of some of your French.  Cap. Kick-a-tan. 
Well concluded brother Plunder, and in your own name too. That's most like an old Juryman, as much as to say, I could Kick— you may imagine, and— tan were he either Pluto or Pan.  Pluto. 
Jurors withdraw.  Cap. Blust. 
You mean for altogether sure; Farewell: well this— Employment makes good the old Proverb, If the Devil set at work, he will pay wages too.  Pluto. 
Jurors withdraw.  Cap. Bluster. 
You mean for ever; for I find the Proverb good, as I said before, the Devils wages! As for my dear Brother Hecks, and Jurymen, do but observe, now his turn is served, he cares not for us, we may go hang ourselves. I am sure honest men will not keep us company, they know how we have forsworn ourselves; I hope Coffophilo will undo all we have done, and at last will destroy this ill-founded Arbitrary Court; but since it is so, come, let's go and wait the good hour.  Enter Shackles, Bub, Brandy, coming into Court almost out of breath. Shackles. 
May it please your Highness, we have taken Coffo-Philo's Books, seized his Goods, and left a Guard in his house.  Pluto. 
Well done, but who have you left there besides?  Shackles. 
Mrs. Sorrow, and her Children.  Pluto. 
Dam, have ye not turned them out? 'twill prove a mischief; run and do it now, or else we shall lose all.  Shackles. 
we'll go; But Sir, we missed narrowly of him: for had it been but dark, or no body present but my Comrades, it had been done, you know what I mean— I, alas I laugh at Manslaughter, (shows his hand.) Come, away, away.    


Actus II. Scen. I.  Enter Shackles, with Brandy, and Soldiers, into Coffo-Philo's Closet, while Mrs. Sorrow, and her Children were crying in the same room. Mrs. Sorrow. 
Pray Gentlemen give me leave to take such Papers as belong to other men.  Shackles. 
Damn you, and your bawling Imps: touch a Paper, and I will run this Sword into your belly.  Brandy. 
What great book is that, Dammee I will have it? who hath your Husband's Cloak and Periwig?  M. Sorrow. 
You, for any thing I know.  Shac. 
You lie, I have them not; for Instrument hath the Cloak, and S. Edw. Lack-Latine hath the Periwig.  M. Sorrow. 
By what Authority do you act this, Gentlemen?  Shackles. 
Go look, Is it not enough that Pluto sent us? behold our carriage, by that you may know whom we serve.  Seru. to M. Sorrow. 
M here is a Gentleman at the door desires to speak with you.  M. Sorrow. 
I come to him  (she goes out). Enter M. Sor. with the Gentleman. M. Sorrow. 
Here is a Gentleman that hath been with my L. General, who believes your breaking into my house, and behaviour there, is contrary to Law. This will be examined one day.  Shack. 
Go hang yourself till then: we serve a Captain General.  M. Sorrow. 
However, pray M. Shackles, let me have a Bed for my Children.  Shac. 
Not to save your life, I had rather be hanging you, as I must your Husband.  M. Sorrow. 
Then take off the Soldiers that keep Guard in my house, and burn out wastefully my Fire and Candles.  Shac. 
Speak such another word, and I will turn your neck round, you damn'd-bitch-whore.!  M. Sorrow. 
O unheard, but condemned Innocence!  Shac. 
You Brandy, and the rest, look to the Books and Papers, and take them all up, dispatch, send for Porters and Carts, and carry them all away to Pluto's Court; and for you Brandy, after I am gone, I will get a Guard constantly to be kept in the house, you shall overlook them: your chief diligence must be to dog Sorrow's Children, and by that means take Coffophilo.  Brandy. 
Bravely contrived Signior Shac.  Exit Shackles. 
Well Gentlemen, I must have one Quartern and a Pipe.  
I'll but step. There are the Keys, see that nothing be stirred.  Cap. Honesty a soldier. 
Poor woman, here is myself, and Lieutenant Well-meaning; as also Ms. Merely drawn in, are heartily sorry that the Rogue Shackles useth you thus: Nor is his baseness in words and threats all; for if ought come in his way, he will stuff his breeches full of Linen, and one thing or other every time he goes home sticks to his Lime-twig Fingers.  Lt. Well-meaning. 
That Rogue Shackles will be hanged, so will Brandy.  M. Sor. 
Pray Gentlemen, as you seem to be civil, get me but my great Bible, and my children's clothes out, and I will hold myself much engaged to you for your kind Charity.  Cap. Honesty. 
Mist. your children's clothes were carried away last night; I must tell you, I see two of Pluto's friends with Practice, take Hangings and Pewter.  M. Sor. 
Thank you Gentlemen— but I hear Shac. his voice.  Enter Shackles. Shackles. 
Gent. we have taken Coffophilo, and his Brother, we fetched them out of London by Pluto's only Power; but a pox take him, the Judge hath taken Bail, and things go cross, neither power above nor below can hurt him, he is so clear from what he is Indicted for: what then will become of the brave swearing against— I would I had the 200 l. I gave Proserpina for my Shackles. I have brought myself doubly into trouble, for I kept Coffo-Philo's Brother in my house Prisoner 24 hours: but this is my comfort, the Court is now sitting, where they are going on with such unheard of ways, that I am sure we shall master this great Hogan— but I would fain have him dead or banished, And it shall not want for swearing if that will do.  Tip. 
Here is Cap. Swear-at-all would speak with the Court▪  Pluto. 
Call him in.  Cap. Swear-at. 
May it please your Highness, Coffophilo and his brother are taken, and are bailed.  Pluto. 
Damn ye for a fool, I would not have had it known that he was Bailed: hang yourself and your news, get you out of the Court.  Cap. Swear. 
Damn me? damn you, and your Actions; is this all I have for my news?  Exit. Pluto. 
We must clog this Coffophilo and his Brother with feigned Actions. Now, Practice, and Lack-Latine, Instrum. and all to work, and use your wits.  S. Lack. 
I will presently make an Oath in the Duchy that he owes me 50 l. and I will make it such a Debt as shall colour our seizure of his Goods and House.  Enter Tip-staffe, with a High-Constable. Tipst. 
Mr. Constable, this is the place of the unlawful Assembly, which my Mr. told you of, and according to your Warrant, pray disperse this Arbitrary Court: if you won't help, M. Posse Comitatus is now passing his green wax Roll before 4 of my Ms. Stewards.  Const. 
Sir I will first knock at the Court door, and send in my business by one of their own Officers: and if I receive any opposition, than I will trouble M. posse Comitatus.  Tip-staffe. 
Knock then. Constable Knocks.  Surribus. 
Who are you Sir, that are so rude by knocking to disturb our Court?  Const. 
I take you to be rude to ask me such an impertinent question, I must tell you and your upstart Court, I am come from my Master, and I am a sworn Servant to his Honour, and have in my Hundred, 50 sworn Servants under me: but why do I trouble myself with giving you an account? I tell you my Master's name is MAGNA CHARTA, and if you will but look out into the street, you shall see what a goodly, strong, well composed Gentleman he is.  Surribus. 
Pray Sir, give me leave to look out and take a view of him, for I would be glad to know your Master, that I may give an account to the Court of his Quality and Train.  Const. 
Do then, and tell the Court I stay without, and expect to be called in.  Surribus goes, and looks out at the door, and presently as affrighted returns. Surribus. 
Pluto, defend me, what do I see! why, on my Conscience our Pluto, with all his Train, is but a French Mushroom to this goodly sight, I have enough, O the presence of that man, I pray Heaven it sets not an end to our Rule.  Exit with all the rest.   

Act. III.  The Stage being prepared, and the Court sitting, Enter Surribus almost out of breath. Surribus. 
Oh, Oh, O me!— May it please your Highness, yonder are without 2 surly fellows, and into the Court they will come: one's name is Tip-tip-the-Staff, and the other a downright blunt fellow, I think they call him Constable of Height, and he says he is a sworn servant to M. Carter, and Ms. Magna! pox on't 'tis a hard name his Mast. is called by; but may it please you, and as I suppose it will not be very pleasing to your Highness, He stands in the street, whither I looked and saw him, a pox on him, he almost frighted me; Carter call you his name, bless me! I tremble to think on him; and he hath with him another like himself, I think they call him M. Petition of right: I am sure I am not mistaken in his name.  Pluto. 
Damn thee for a dull Rogue, thou tellest us an imperfect story without head or tail: nay, thou art so shallow, that thou canst not remember his name; Carter, a plague on him, what Carter dares be thus bold?  Surribus. 
Sir, you interrupt me; there are with this M. Magnus or M. Carter, twelve grave and well countenanced Men wrapped in Lambskins or Fur; and besides, there were I know not how many more in Quoifes like my Grandmother, and such a number of men in black long robes, that I wondered what they were; and thrusting them, I perceived some of them had Pens and Inkhorns by their girdles, others were taking Notes, and all addressed themselves to this longnamed man, who has 30 odd additions to his name, some call them Chapters, as 12th. 7th. 29th. etc. I harkened to their Language, and by and by in another place one repeated Anno 9 Hen. 3. another read tertio and quinto of Edw. 3. the hearing of this (for I took them for Conjurers) has almost frighmen me out of my wits: And I assure you, that one of the Gentlemen in Furr is as like that troublesome fellow that sent me to the University of Newgate to commence, for beating my Shoemaker that was so bold as to ask me for money, he lent me to pay my Dr. that cured me of a Clap; but I am sure for one of those Furred Gentlemen, I have seen the Constables beat away the Coaches and Carmen out of his way in the street; Nay, I am sure he is the man that sent Cap. Bub, Brandy and Bluster to Newgate, for hunting on the highway near Barnet.  Shac. 
By your favour, Surribus, it was neither Bub nor Brandy that was sent, 'twas Cap. C. and Cap. A. and they poor hearts were hanged: but poor Bluster was wronged in that business, for I was the man; Only I took his horse, and thence grew the mistake: but I was glad the Rogues did not peach me, and my Dan cropped Nag: O sweet Hounslow-Heath.  Pluto. 
My friends, no differences now, for every one must help: I smell a Rat, and therefore be loving, and build up one another, else our Kingdom is short-lived.  Proserp. 
Who to take this man to be, that this long imperfect story is told of, I know not, I begin now to be afraid.  Plut. 
Pox damn him, 'tis that fart of a fellow, old troublesome Magna Charta, We are bound to see the worst of it; Call in the Constable— but be sure no difference appear, nor any altering of Countenance— Throw out a Demy Oath or two, look fierce and big, and shake your Swords and Carbines now and then— Call him in, call him in.  Shackles goes, and returning, Enter with him Constable, and Tip-staffe. Pluto. 
Friends, if I may so call you, what is your business, and the reason of your haste? you see we are Armed, and do you think with those two wooden sticks, and your hasty words, to frighten us? Let your Mast. be who he will, dammee he is but a clown, he is not alamode, per ma foy, parle vous Francols.  Constab. 
Sir, I care not for your high words, nor your Conquered Nations Gibble Gabble, my Mast. will be hard enough for you at any Language; for several of his Attendants are clad in French and Latin, which he will force you to understand, though you could neither Write nor Read: But Sir, in plain English, in my Mast. name, from whom I am come, and by his Authority to me committed, I Adjourn your Court, with all its Arbitrary proceedings, for ever and a day.  Pluto. 
You Adjourn my Court, your Mast. can have no Cognizance of what I do.  Const. 
Yes Sir, but he has, and will take Cognizance of you, and your Actions; for Coffophilo hath delivered him a Petition, which was the cause of his sending me.  Pluto. 
Damn Coffophilo, and your Mast. too: Gentlemen, stand to your Arms, We will not be surprised.  Proserp. 
Pray, hold, Pluto, let us hear who his Mast. is, you are the most passionate— that ever was. Sir,— M. Const. pray tell me the name of your Mast.  Const. 
Why, Madam, so I would; but Pluto plunders my meaning before I speak, as friends and foes were plundered in Britain— Welch for that.  Pluto. 
Dammee Rascal, do you speak of Oxford or Newark? Sirrah, be your Mast. what he will, he durst not then have stirred, I have hanged as good men as you, a High-Constable or two in a morning for not— dog's, must I hear this, and wear a Sword?  Pros. 
Constable, Go on, pray go on.  Const. 
I say, my Mast. is Magna Charta, a very old man. He was born in Nono of Henry the 3d. and then Christened: his Godfathers were the King, Lords, and Commons: thirty Parliaments have since that been Witnesses of his Confirmation, and attested his birth and power; he hath such a trick in Nature, that every Parliament gives and adds strength to his days: And I must tell you here of this pretended Court, that my Mast. hath a small Officer called Posse Comitatus belonging to him, that will fall foul with you, and disperse you, if you resist his Power: besides, his Children the Commons love him so dearly, that they will raise Money, Men, Armies, and all to preserve him, and keep his Honour inviolable.  Enter Venire Facias. Ven. Fac. 
Pluto, Pros. and you the rest of the black Instruments of darkness, I am come to cite you to appear in men's. Michael. before my Mast. Magna Charta, in his great Hall at Westminster, to answer Coffophilo, and 500 younger brothers, with Pierce-heart, Sir John Morley, old Cicel our neighbour at Enfield, with many others; as the Military ground men, and Fitton:— where you are to answer for many Riots, wrongs, and high misdemeanours. And therefore Constable dis-arm them.  Pluto. 
You M. Troublesome, I will have l'argent per ma foy, or else I'll not part with my Sword.  He resists, and there arises a bustle, and in the hurly burly Exeunt Ven. Fa. Const. and Tip-staffe. Proserp. 
Now these vexatious varlets are fled, Pray Husband get what money you can, I do not like this Magna Charta; for I have heard Haly the first, and worst say, that Magna Charta cares no more for a Lord, or Great Man, than you do for a petit frepone de la Guard: Nay, he says, That he has prosecuted the highest Subjects, and sometimes hanged them, as Empson, Dudley, and 100 more of his Infringers: I'd have you for avoiding danger, to buy a Bashaw's place in Turkey; for methinks I could make a rare Bashaws wife; There is no Magna Charta.  Pluto. 
Pox damn it, there is a kind of little Magna Charta, that is the Alcoran, and Bow strings, and I hate choking; besides, the Janissaries are as mutinous as our common Soldiers, and often knock their Visier on the head; Nay, the Grand-Seignior, if a General do but cheat him in his Muster-Roll, sends him a Bowstring; and then— he may go hang himself.  Proserp. 
Is it possible? fer futre la Gran Seigner; what then will you do with this damned English Magna Charta?  Pluto. 
S. Edw. Lack. now we know it is Magna Charta that takes Coffo-Philo's part, we had best while we are together to examine our own strengths and weaknesses. And therefore Wife I beg your silence, till we have examined Cap. Intelligence, who is ready to make Report, are you not Captain?  Cap. Intel. 
Yes Sir, but I cannot give an account to the Court of all: for one of Shack. setting dogs, with M. Want-Practice, sit close at Coffophilo, whence in a little time you will know much more; in the mean time, I must beg all the Honourable persons of this Court, that they will take no exceptions till I have told out my tale.  Pluto. 
You shall not be interrupted.  Cap. Intel. 
Then first; for you S. Edw. Lack. there is a man here in Town that knows you ever since your Mother sold Ale: and that after you came to be M. Harper's boy at Chester, you made Practice, which since you have well improved— ay— and he knows of the Letter that got you your Barr-Gown, and the occasion: and told all the story of your contrivance with Granger, and the false Oath you made against C— to get his Goods: yours is too long a story to relate, therefore here is your black Bill of Fare in writing, signed and examined by Alex. Fitton, Carr, and Percival Hart, but transcribed by Coffophilo.  
For your part M. Practice, your name is like an infectious disease— honest men never use your name, but they do as the Papists, at the name of the Devil, sign themselves with the Cross, or God bless me from that Knave in grain M. Practice.  
As to you M. Instrument, you are known in Cheshire, ever since you led your Father's Packhorse that carried his Pedlar's Ware; but known better by the name of Engine Dick, that informed against the Cavaliers in S. Geor Booth's business: and then, as your Father was made a Sequestrator, so you had 3 s. per diem allowed you by those Usurpers, to attend the Sequestrator; yet they held you but for a silly fellow: and S. Edw. Lack. for 20 s. preferred you to be his Instrumant.  
But for you Shackles, you are called in London, lying, broken Dick, who cozened all your Creditors, and to the great disgrace of the Guards sheltered yourself from your just Debts: but to hear Coffophilo tell the story of your life, how often imprisoned, and how you were condemned to be boiled alive in Oil for a coiner, would make one wonder: in a word, you are hated even amongst your own Comrades.  
For you Brandy, your life is generally scandalous and infamous for beating your Wife, although she often— deserves admonition, or something else, or her Neighbours do her wrong: but laying aside a bushel of ill qualities, that which S. Edw. Massey tells of you, is unpardonable, how you would have killed him when he declared for the King at Gloucester; and was the last man of the Soldiers that opposed Gen. Monk in Gloucester: the story is too large to relate, therefore take S. Edw. Massey's own Certificate.  
For you Bub, you are looked upon as a poor spirited fellow; that for a dinner, bub, and ease, will swear any thing: the most empty-sculed, cock-brained fellow that ever was made a Cuckold: your Neighbours call you foul mouth, and blue. lips.  Pluto. 
Pray, Cap. hold a little, what do they say of my Wife? speak freely, (Wife you shall not be angry.)  Cap. Intel. 
They say, that Proserp. though the grey mare is the better horse, and wears the breeches, playing away her money freely, many an undone younger brother hath been set at Humber, Picquet in a night.  Proserp. 
Pray Husband let me speak a word; you did allow me the selling of 5 or 6 places in a year, and then I had 300 l. a year for my allowance, besides other ways of progging for money, therefore I may afford to Play, 'tis my own: only, I confess I owe Coffo Philo 300 l. which I borrowed on my Jewels, as you have heard.  Pluto. 
Pray where is my Charge, Cap. Intelligence?  Cap. Intell. 
There it is in writing, take it, with a comment upon it, and a many great Authorities against all your unjust Arbitrary proceedings; and I have put you to the cost of one copy of the Statute of Anno tertio Car. and the reason why I brought it, is, because your Highness is much blamed for sending your two Daughters into France to be bred Papists in a Nunnery, where your eldest daughter Charnock, torments herself, and cries out, she will be a Protestant, or else she will destroy herself, to the great admiration and pity of Sir Thom. Arpe, who hath sent to have the poor young Lady sent for away to England.—  
Nay Sir, should I have paid for all the copies of the Charge against you, my 4 s. a day would not have held out: but I must have a dead pay for what I have done already, or else you may— go look.  Pluto. 
Dear Cap. Intell. read them to me, and then we will Adjourn the Court, or else this foolish troublesome fellow Magna Charta will secure us all under his Shackles.  Pract. 
Give me the papers I will read them.  Pluto. 
Prithee do, and I would have you Sir Edw. Lack. to make notes on what you have read.  Pract. 
Anno 9 H. 3. Cap. 29. Magna Charta runs thus.  
No Freeman shall be taken or Imprisoned, or be disseized of his freehold, or Liberties, or Free-Customs, or be Outlawed or Eriled, or any other ways destroyed: Nor We will not pass upon him, nor condemn him, but by lawful Judgement of his Peers, or by Law of the Land; We will sell to no man, We will not deny or defer to any man either Justice or Right.  Pluto. 
Read no further of that, which is the next?  Pract. 
Sir there are so many more, that it would be too tedious a work to read all: but if you please I will read the Conference between the Lords and Commons, concerning this great liberty of the Commons.  Pluto. 
Pray do, but if there be any Latin, pray English it as you read, because of Sir Edw. and myself.  Pract. 
I will read it.  
The Commons having taken into their serious consideration the matter of personal Liberty, and after long debate thereof an divers days, aswel by solemn Arguments, as single Propositions of Doubts and Answers, to the end no scruple might remain in any man's breast unsatisfyed; they have upon a full search, and clear understanding of all things pertinent to the Question, unanimously declared.  
That no Freeman ought to be committed or detained in Prison, or otherwise restrained by the Command of the King or Privy Council, or any other, unless some cause of the commitment, detainer or restraint be expressed, for which by Law he ought to be committed, detained or restrained.  
And they have sent me with others of their Members, to represent unto your Lordships the true grounds of such their Resolution, and have charged me particularly, leaving the reasons of Law and Precedents for others to give your Lordship's satisfaction, that this Liberty is established and confirmed by the whole State, the King, the Lords Spiritual and Temporal, and Commons, by several Acts of Parliament; the Authority whereof is so great, that it can receive no Answer: save by Interpretation or Repeal by future Statutes; and those that I shall mind your Lordships of, are so direct to the point, that they can bear no other exposition at all, and sure I am they are still in force.  
The first of them is, the Grand Charter of the Liberties of England, first granted in the seaventeenth year of King John, and renewed in the ninth year of King Henry the Third, and since confirmed in Parliament above thirty times; The words are thus, Cap. 29. Nullus Liber homo Capiatur vel Imprisonetur, aut Dissesietur de Libero Tenemento suo, vel libertatibus, vel Liberis consuetudinibus suis, aut utlegatur, aut exuletur, aut aliquo modo destruatur, nec super eum ibimus, nec super eum mittemus, nisi per Legale Judicium Parium suorum vel per Legem Terrae. These words, Nullus Liber homo, etc. are express enough, yet it is remarkable that Matthew Paris, an Author of special credit doth observe Fol. 432, that the Charter of 9 Hen. 3. was the very same as of the 17 of King John (in nullo dissimilis, are his words,) and that of King John he setteth down verbatim, Fol. 342, and there the words are directly, Nec eum in carcerem mittemus; And such a corruption as is now in the print, might easily happen 'twixt 9 H. 3. and 28. E. 1. when this Charter was first exemplified; but certainly there is sufficient left in that which is extant to decide this question, For the words are, That no Freeman shall be taken or Imorisoned, but by the lawful Judgement of his Peers, which is by Jury Peers for Peers, ordinary Jurors for others who are their Peers, or by the Law of the Land, which words (Law of the Land) must of necessity be understood in this notion, to be by due Process of the Law, and not the Law of the Land generally, otherwise it would comprehend Bondmen (whom we call Villains) who are excluded by the word Liber; for the general Law of the Land doth allow their Lords to Imprison them at pleasure without Cause; wherein they only differ from the Freemen in respect of their persons, who cannot be Imprisoned without a cause: And that this is the true understanding of those words (per Legem Terrae) will more plainly appear by divers other Statutes that I shall use which do expound the same accordingly; And though the words of this grand Charter be spoken in the third person, yet they are not to be understood of Suits betwixt party and party, at least not of them alone, but even of the King's Suits against his Subjects, as will appear by the occasion of the getting of that Charter, which was by reason of the difference betwixt those Kings and their People, and therefore properly to be applied unto their power over them, and not to ordinary questions betwixt Subject and Subject. Secondly, the words Per Legale judicum parium suorum, immediately preceding the other of Per Legem Terrae, are meant of Trials at the King's Suit, and not at the prosecution of a Subject; And therefore if a Peer of the Realm be Arraigned at the Suit of the King upon an Indictment of Murder, he shall be Tried by his Peers, that is Nobles, but if he be appealed of Murder by a Subject, his Trial shall be by an ordinary Jury of Twelve Freeholders', as appeareth in 10. E. 4. 6. 33. H. 8. Brook titl. Trials 142. Stamford Pleas of the Crown, lib. 3. cap. 1 folio 152. And in the 10. E. 4. it is said, such is the meaning of Magna Charta, by the same reason therefore as per judicium parium suorum, extends to the King's Suit, so shall these words per Legem Terrae. And in 8. E. 2. Rot. Parliament. memb. 7. There is a Petition that a Writ under the Privy Seal went to the Guardians of the great Seal, to cause Lands to be seized into the King's hands; By force of which there went a Writ out of the Chancery to the Escheater to seize against the form of the grand Charter, that the King nor his Ministers shall out no man of freehold without reasonable Judgement; and the party was restored to his Land, which showeth the Statute did extend to the King. There was no invasion upon this personal Liberty, till the time of King Edward the Third, which was eftsoons resented by the Subjects; for in 5 Edw. 3. cap. 9 it is ordained in these words;  
It is Enacted, That no man from henceforth shall be attached by any accusation, nor forejudged of life or limb, nor his lands, tenements, goods, nor chattels seized into the King's hands, against the form of the grrat Charter, and the Law of the Land.  
25 E. 3. cap. 4. Is more full, and doth expound the words of the grand Charter: And thus;  
Whereas it is contained in the great Charter of the Franchises of England, that none shall be imprisoned, nor put out of his Freehold, nor of his Franchises, nor Free Custom, unless it be by the Law of the Land: 〈◊〉 is accorded, assented and established, That from henceforth none shall be taken by petition, or suggestion made to our Lord the King, or to his Council, unless it be by Indictment, or Presentment of his good and lawful people of the same Neighbourhood, where such deeds be done in due manner, or by process made by Writ Original at the Common Law; nor that none be out of his Franchises, nor of his Free-holds, unless he be duly brought in answer, and forejudged of the same by the course of the Law: And if any thing be done against the same, it shall be redressed, and holden for none.  
Out of this Statute I observe, that what in Magna Charta, and the Preamble of the Statute is termed by the Law of the Land, is in the body of this Act expounded to be by process made by Writ Original at the Common Law, which is a plain interpretation of the words (Law of the Land) in the grand Charter. And I note, that this law was made upon the Commitment of divers to the Tower, no man yet knoweth for what.  
28 E. 3. cap. 3. is yet more direct (this Liberty being followed with fresh suit by the Subject) where the words are not many, but very full and significant.  
That no man of estate or condition that he be, shall be put out of his lands, nor tenement, nor taken nor imprisoned, nor disherited, nor put to death, without he be brought in answer by due process of the Law.  
Here your Lordships see the usual words of the law of the land are rendered by due process of the Law.  
36 E. 3. Rot. Parl. n. 9 Amongst the Petitions of the Commons, one of them being translated into English out of French, is thus;  
First, That the great Charter, and the Charter of the Forest, and the other Statutes made in his time, and in the time of his Progenitors, for the profit of him, and his Commonalty, be well and firmly kept, and put in due execution, without putting disturbance, or making arrest contrary to them by special command, or in other manner.  
The Answer to the Petition, which makes it an Act of Parliament, is,  
Our Lord the King by the assent of the Prelates, Dukes, Earls, Barons, and the Commonalty, hath ordained and established, That the said Charters and Statutes be held, and put in execution according to the said Petition.  
It is observable, that the statutes were to be put in execution, according to the said Petition, which is, that no arrest should be made contrary to the statutes by special command. This concludes the question, and is of as great force, as if it were Printed; for the Parliament Roll is the true warrant of an Act, and many are omitted out of the Books that are extant.  
36 E. 3. Rot. Parl. n. 20. explaineth it further, for there the Petition is:  
Item, As it is contained in the Grand Charter, and other Statutes, that no man be taken, nor imprisoned by special Command without Indictment, or other due process to be made by the Law, and oftentimes it hath been, and yet is, that many are hindered, taken and imprisoned without Indictment, or other process made by the Law upon them, as well of things done out of the Forest of the King, as for other things, that it would please our said Lord, to command those to be delivered which are so taken by special Command, against the form of the Charters and Statutes aforesaid.  
The Answer is,  
The King is pleased, That if any man find himself aggrieved, that he come and make his complaint, and right shall be done unto him.  
42 E. 3. cap. 18. agreeth in substance, when it saith, Though that it be contained in the Great Charter; that no man be taken, nor imprisoned, nor put out of his freehold, without process of the Law; nevertheless divers people make false suggestion to the King himself, as well for malice, as otherwise, whereof the King is often grieved, and divers of the Realm put in damage, against the form of the same Charter; Wherefore it is ordained, That all they which make suggestions, wall be sent with the same suggestions before the Chancellor Treasurer, and his grand Council, and that they there find Sureties to pursue their suggestions, and incur the same pain that the other should have had, if he were attainted, in case that his suggestion be found evil: And that then process of the Law be made against them without being taken and imprisoned against the form of the said Charter and other Statutes.  
Here the Law of the Land in the grand Charter is explained to be without process of the Law.  
37 E. cap. 3. At the request of the Commons by their Petitions put forth in this Parliament; To eschew mischief and damage done to divers of the Commons by false accusers which oftentimes have made their accusation more for revenge and singular benefit, than for the profit of the King, or of his people; which accused persons, some have been taken, and sometime caused to come before the King's Council by Writ, and otherwise upon grievous pain against the Law: It is assented and accorded for the good governance of the Commons, That no man be put to answer without presentment before Justices, or matter of Record, or by due Process and Writ Original, according to the old Law of the Land. And if any thing from henceforth be done to the contrary, it shall be void in the Law, and holden for Error.  
But this is better in the Parliament Roll, where the Petition and Answer which makes the Act, are set down at large.  
42 E. 3 Rot. n. 12. The Petition.  
Item, Because that many of your Commons are hurt and destroyed by false Accusers, who make their accusations more for their revenge and particular gain, then for the profit of the King, or his people; and these that are accused by them, some have been taken, and others are made to come before the King's Council by Writ, or other Commandment of the King, upon grievous pains, contrary to the Law: That it would please our Lord the King, and his good Council, for the Just government of his people to ordain, That if hereafter any accuser purpose any matter for the profit of the King, that the same matter be sent to the Justices of the one Bench, or the other, or the Assizes, to be inquired and determined according to the Law: And if it concern the accuser or party, that he take his suit at the Common Law; and that no man be put to answer without presentment before justices, or matter of Record, or by due Process, and original Writ, according to the ancient Law of the Land; And if any thing hence forward be done to the contrary, that it be void in Law, and held for Error.  
Here by due Process and Original Writ, according to the ancient Law of the Land, is meant the same thing, as, Per Legem Terrae in Magna Charta; and the abuse was, That they were put to answer by Commandment of the King.  
The King's Answer is thus:  
Because that this Article is an Article of the Grand Charter, the King will that this be done as the Petition doth demand.  
By this appeareth, that Per Legem Terrae in Magna Charta, is meant by due Process of the Law.  
Thus your Lordships have heard Acts of Parliament in the point; but the Statute of Westminster the first, cap. 15. is urged to disprove this opinion, where it is expressly said, That a man is not Replevisable, who is committed by the command of the King; therefore the Command of the King without any cause showed, is sufficient to commit a man to prison. And because the strength of the Argument may appear, and the Answer be better understood, I shall read the words of that Statute, which are thus:  
And forasmuch as Sheriffs and others which have taken and kept in prison persons detected of felony, and oftentimes have let out by Replevin such as were not Replevisable, and have kept in prison such as were Replevisable; because they would gain of the one party, and grieve the other. And forasmuch as before this time it was not certainly determined what persons were repleviable, and what not: but only those that were taken for the death of a man, or by Commandment of the King, or of his justices, or for the Forest. It is provided, and by the King commanded, that such prisoners as before were outlawed; and they which have abjured the Realm, provors, and such as be taken with the manner, and those which have broken the King's Prison, Thiefs openly defamed and known, and such as be appealed by provors, so long as the provors be living, if they be not of good name, and such as be taken for burning of houses feloniously done, or for false money, or for counterfeiting the King's Seal, or persons excommunicate taken at the request of the Bishop, or for manifest offences, or for Treason touching the King himself, shall be in no wise Replevisable by Common Writ, or without Writ; but such as be indicted of Larceny by Inquests taken before Sheriffs or Bailiffs by their office, or of light suspicion, or for petty Larceny, that amounteth not above the value of twelve pence, if they were not guilty of some other Larceny aforetime, or guilty of receipt of felons, or of commandment, or force, or aid in felony done, or guilty of some other trespasses, for which one ought not to lose life or member; And a man appealed by a provor, after the death of the provor, if he be no common thief, nor defamed, shall from henceforth be let out by sufficient Surety, whereof the Sheriff will be answerable, and that without giving aught of their goods. And if the Sheriff or any other let any go at large by Surety, that is not Replevisable, if he be Sheriff or Constable, or any other Bailiff of Fee which hath keeping of Prisons, and thereof be attainted he shall lose his Fee and Office for ever. And if the under-Sheriff, Constable, or Bailiff of such as hath Fee for keeping of Prisons, do it contrary to the will of his Lord, or any other Bailiff being not of Fee, they shall have three years' imprisonment, and make a Fine at the King's pleasure: And if any withhold prisoners Replevisable, after that they have offered sufficient Surety, he shall pay a grievous Amerciament to the King; And if he take any reward for the deliverance of such, he shall pay double to the prisoner, and also shall be in the great mercy of the King.  Pluto 
Damn me, this is a damned Argument, I do not like it; for by this I find I have run into a Praemunire, for keeping Coffophilo and his Brother in Prison under Shackles, and keeping guard in his house: neither can you, Gentlemen, keep your plunder by this Argument to try by Peers: Why, there was never the peer of this.  Shackles. 
Pray Sir, who shall Captain Bub, and Brandy, and myself keep harmless? I find the Proverb true, He that is born to be hanged, shall never be boiled in Oil.  Brandy. 
Will swearing do no good to hang this Coffophilo?  Pluto. 
Peace, Gentlemen, we shall have need of all your swearing: Oh that a Jury would believe! here are arrant Knights— of the Post: stand to it Shackles, you shall all swear and be d—  Bub. 
'tis true: Post Practise you swore home to hang your Countrymen, when they were for the King, at the rising in Lincolnshire.  Pluto. 
No rubbing of old sores, Gentlemen, here is a new Ulcer will want curing.  Bishop. 
Do not quarrel, Gentlemen, I'll teach you your Neck-verse. Would to Heaven I might have the favour to read mine. Such of you as are without benefit of my Function, as some of you are, and therefore I will make you Paper Wills, that shall last seventeen year in the lining of a doublet.  Pluto. 
Practice, Pray read that damned Statute against Captains cozening and defrauding their Prince and Soldiers, there is two of them, read them both; the one of Henry the Seventh, and the other of Henry the Eighth.  Pract. 
I will.  
Anno tertio Hen. 8 cap. 5. 
Forasmuch as the King our Sovereign Lord intendeth, by the grace of God, to send over the ●…a a great Army, trusting thereby, not only to preserve this his Realm in its ancient ●ante and honour, etc.  
Howbeit, many times by the inordinate covetousness of Captains retained with Princes, afore this time, Great part of the number of Soldiers for whom such Captains have indented with Princes at time of need, have lacked of the number of Soldiers; whereby great jeopardy hath ensued, & inrecuperable damages may ensue, if remedy therefore be not seen and had; Be it therefore ordained by Authority of this present Parliament, That if any Captain be retained, or hereafter shall be, to serve the King upon the Sea, or beyond the Sea, or in feat of War, which have not his or their whole and perfect number of Men and Soldiers, according as he shall be retained with the King, or give not them their full wages, without abridgement, as he shall receive of the King for them; he shall for such default, forfeit to the King all his goods and Chattels, and his body to the prison; and that every Captain and petit Captain, and all other, having under them retinue of Soldiers at the King's wages, shall, upon the pain aforesaid, pay to the retinue of the Soldiers, and every of them though wages rateably, as is allowed unto them, by the King our Sovereign Lord, or the Treasurer of his Wars, without lessing, or withdrawing any part thereof, etc.   
The Statute of Anno septimo H 7. cap. 1. is also very strict against your Highness; but, Sir, I will read one Statute more to this particular.  
Anno secundo & tertio Edwardi sixth. Cap. 2. And be it also Enacted by the Authority aforesaid, That if any Captain, or any other before named, having the Order of any number of Soldiers serving as is aforesaid, upon the Sea or Land, do at any time after the first day of April, demand, receive, or take of the King's Highness, or any of his Treasurers, any wages for any more Soldiers, then served in such manner and form, as the wages was paid for, sir for any more days, than such Soldiers served, and do not note the day of every Soldier's entry into wages, and day of his death, and departure, and deliver the same in writing to such Treasurers as shall pay the wages, etc.  Pluto. 
Hold, this is worse and worse.  Pract. 
Give me leave to read but one Statute more, and that is against sending Children to be bred beyond Sea in Papist houses.  
Anno tertio Caroli Regis, cap. 2. 
Forasmuch as divers ill-affected persons to the true Religion established within this Realm, have sent their Children into foreign parts, to be bred up in Popery, etc.  
Be it Enacted, etc. That in case that any person or persons, under the obedience of the King, his Heirs and Successors, at any time after the end of this Session of Parliament, shall pass, or go, or shall convey, or send, or cause to be sent or conveyed any Child, or other person, out of any of the King's Dominions, into any the parts beyond the Seas out of the King's Obedience, to the intent and purpose to enter into, or be resident, or trained up in any Priory, Abbey, Nunnery, Popish University, College, or School, or House of Jesuits, Priests, or in any private Popish Family, and shall be there by any jesuit, Seminary Priest, Friar, Monk, or other Popish Person, instructed, etc. being thereof lawfully convicted, in, or upon any Information, Presentment, or Indictment as aforesaid, shall be distnabled from thenceforth to sue, or use any Action, Bill, Plaint, or Information in course of Law, or to prosecute any suit in any Court of Equity, or to be committed to any Ward, or Executor, or Administrator, or any person capable of any Legacy, or Deed of Gift, or to bear any Office within the Realm, and shall lose and forfeit all his Goods and Chattels, and shall forfeit all his Lands, Tenements, and Hereditaments, Rents, Annuities, Offices, and Estates of freehold, for and during his natural life, etc.   Pluto. 
Read no further, I am guilty of all these Statutes, and many more; and therefore Proserpina, I will immediately make my Will. Call the Ordinary, he hath a rare faculty in making Wills in Paper, to last seventeen years in the lining of a Doublet.  Pract. 
I have not half done, give me leave to read all.  Pluto. 
Read all and be damned.  Pract. 
Hen. 3. Anno 9 cap. 30. Magna Charta runs thus:  
No Freeman shall be taken, or imprisoned, or be disseised of his Freehold, or Liberties, or Free Customs, or be outlawed, or exiled, or any otherwise destroyed, nor we will not pass upon him, nor condemn him, but by lawful judgement of his Peers, or by the Law of the Land; we will sell to no man, we will not deny, or defer to any man either justice, or Right.  Pluto. 
Read no further of that, which is next?  Pract. 
The next is the Learned Conference in Caroli primo, between the Lords and Commons, concerning the Great Liberties of the Commons.  Pluto. 
Prithee read, but when you come to Latin, English it as you go, because of Sir Edward and myself.  All the Stage being cleared, Enters Pluto, Sir Edward Lackwit Latin, Bishop, Post Practice and Instrument. POst Practice. 
Sir, I am not satisfied, that your Highness should make your will yet, for Sir Edward and I have lately consulted; and fain would be at the other touch.  Sir Edw. 
Right; I am resolved to venture my Neck after my Ears, 'tis but a venture; and now you have money good stood store, you do not know, but Coffophilo may either die, or be tired out for want of money.  Pluto. 
Well, let me hear which way now, Gentlemen, how many Actions is now against him? and how many have been tried?  Practice. 
We have tried in all seventeen, and there yet remains five more.  Pluto. 
How many hath he cast us in?  Sir Edw. 
All.  Bishop. 
I am for no more Trials, till my Trial be over for my Perjury.  Instrum. 
Bishop, let me tell you, your Parishioners are now totally your enemies, since they heard you was such a Knave, to plead the Engagement, in Bar to a poor Cavalier-Minister, that sued you in the late Times for money; his name was Green, a poor sequestered Minister, whose Conscience was not free to take the Engagement: and thus the poor Gentleman lost his suit. Your Wife may well be mad, if half be true, as I was told by one of your Parish, the child sent in the basket—  Pluto. 
Hold, no more.  Enter Shackells with a Note from Pluto's Council. Shackel. 
SIr, pray read this.  Pluto. 
What is't Shackel?  Shackel. 
'Tis Latin.  Pluto. 
Read it.  Sir Edw. Lack-Lat. 
Practice, give it me, Carol. secund. Dei gratia: How! what this attach the body of Pluto?—  Pluto. 
O me Good Behaviour! I am a Peer.  Instrum. 
ay, there is not the Peer of your Highness: now, what's to be done?  Pluto. 
Did not Proserpina tell us that Magna Charta cared no shore for a Great man, then if he were petete frepone de la guard in a just cause.  Sir Edw. 
May it please your Highness, I would have you remove Carr by Writ to the Fleet, by this means it may be done; First, enter three great Actions against him and his Brother in the Exchequer; next, file two Bills in Chancery, and take out five other Writs to torment him if he stir abroad: This will do his business.  Pluto. 
How, in my own name, or his Lawyers?  Sir Edw. Lack. 
There is Monsieur Francois Pembertonia, he that picked the hole in your evidence against Coffophilo; next, Signior Francisco, alias honest, just, and able Viningtoniences, and Honourable stout Colmaneburg, Grave, and as honest Symsoniack. Lastly, Signior Ofley Lego.  Pluto. 
Dam that— he— Lego is down right a name of War— Lego— Leaguer, a Town besieged; I will send these five Hectors of the Bar, five Tryers, or five Hecks will they fight?  Sir Edw. 
O no Sir.  Pluto. 
Dam, I will send for French Lawyers— sons of the little French Lawyer, they shall both fight them, and carry the Judge a Challenge too, if need require.  Pract. 
Pray send your Dub to fight one of them.  Pluto. 
How do you mean? at Law?  Instrum. 
Pox on him, he is rotten; give him Sack and Tobacco, and he'll make a shift to bawl; but Law, as Pluto observed, he hath none.  Bishop 
Gentlemen, all's to no purpose, let us fall to making of Wills, for I see that what we intended against Coffophilo, hath overtaken us, as the Poet hath it.  

Fallite fallentes ex magna parte profanum  
Sunt genus: in laqueos, quos posuere cadent.  
x the Couseners; commonly they be  
Profane: let their own snare their ruin be.   Ordinary. 
Tell me Sir, what you would have done, and I will use my uttermost skill.  Pluto, 
Write there: Whereas I Pluto being surprised with an infectious Disease, arising by frights, from the breath of Westminster-Hall, and finding my courage not sufficient to bear my Distempers, though once I thought I could have hushed Death, and silenced, or at least outbraved Magna Charta, do make this my last Will and Testament in manner following:  
Imprimis, I give to Fitton all his Estate, hoping he will let you, my Doctor, be Parson of Gansworth, and also suffer Sir Edward Lack-Latine, Edward Dicket, and both the Hollingsheads to enjoy their Leases I gave them for their good Services: you know Sir, they will stick at a mark, if swearing will do it, as well as Instrument.  
Item, I give Mr. Blundall his Estate, but the Rogue that betrayed him a Halter.  
Item, I give Delamere Forest to the Commoners and right Owners, only I cannot forget the damned Clowns that rose against us, when we went to enclose their Common.  Ordinary, 
Pray Sir be not disturbed, but go on.  Pluto. 
Item, I give the Military Ground and House to the Military Company; but for their Goods and Library, they're gone— Gentlemen, you all shared in that plunder, but you Instrument more especially.  Ordinary. 
Pray be not in passion, but go on.  Pluto. 
Item, I give Sir John Morley the Grant of Newcastle, with the Honours, because his Grant is older than mine, and the Country doth not love me.  
Item. I give fat Will Loven his project of getting the harrington's Estate, forfeited for Treason, and relapsed to the Crown ever since Hen. 7. and Hen 8.. If I had gone on with that design, I should have added to all my other wickedness, the ruin of many Families.  
Item, I give Percival Hart his Estate, because that damned blockhead Ward, together with you Lack-Latine and Instrument put me upon so open a design.  
Item, I give Enfield Chase to the right Owner old Salisbury, because he hath two Lives in the Chase before me.  
I would give Halsall to satisfy the Mortgage, and pay my Father's debts, but Damn, Proserpina will want Tools for Cards and Dice.  
For that Rogue Coffophilo, Magna Charta threatens he will Administer, as chiefest Creditor, and pay Coffophilo his damages.  
And now my worthy Friends of the Sword and the Law, and the rest of the Faculties, I do desire your excuses, for I am spent, and do not find any surplusage of Estate, which will remain as Assets to bequeath to you, only I give you free leave either to hang, drown, or poison yourselves, any way to speed and hasten your passage to our Infernal Kingdom.  
And lastly, for you my Dear Proserpina, I am glad I took thy counsel, and sold my Place, for reany money will do thee good when I am gone; and if this Coffophilo were by thy industrious Art knocked on the head, peradventure our Tragy-Comedie would never come upon the Stage: But alas! it nippeth my Soul to think, that Mortals shall Act thy Part and mine on their Stage, with the World's Applause, to our eternal Infamy.   

Epilogue.  
Spectator's, is it your desire to find  
Such Witty Jests as please a joyful mind?  
Go seek them where theyare, sure theyare to be had,  
'Tis not Wit's recreation to be sad.  
Wit must avaunt, with all its Levitieses,  
Where heaviness becomes the Obsequies:  
For, if't be true, sad Objects do require  
Sad Thoughts, sad Words, and sad Attire.  
Then do not (pray) my Muse for dulness tax,  
Since lighter Fancies suit not with her blacks.  
But, stay my Muse, thy Lines let PLUTO read,  
They will conduct him to a Grave or Bed;  
Where, when the Curtain's drawn, each active part  
will move, without instructions from Black Art;  
His nature motive is, in quest of ill,  
Stated in mischief, all his ablest skill;  
Neither know right from wrong, till wrong be done  
Fix Nature will, to condemned Customs run:  
Unchangedly, who to his sins can set.  
A certain end, when hath he never met  
Blushes once from his hardened forehead thrown,  
Who is it sins, and is content with one?  
No, no, our PLUTO hath mavy in store,  
And longs to Act them o'er and o'er:  
But Magna Charta stopped his intent,  
By a late Attachment, which he sent.  
Unto Sheriff— to execute,  
Which makes the Devil very mute;  
And now stands bound unto his good behaviour  
And must neither kick, nor strike, nor swager:  
And therefore now, since Pluto is in bands,  
Let each with me rejoice, and Clap their hands.  
FINIS.