FIFTEEN Real COMFORTS OF Matrimony.  
BEING In requital of the late Fifteen SHAM-COMFORTS. WITH Satirical Reflections on Whoring, And the Debauchery of this Age.  
Written by a Person of QUALITY of the FEMALE SEX.  
Entered according to Order.  
LONDON: Printed for Benjamin Alsop, at the Angel and Bible; and Thomas Malthus, at the Sun in the Poultry. 1683.   

TO THE Injured LADIES.  
NO, upon my word, Ladies;— 'twas neither Favour nor Affection, nor Flattery, nor Fear, but something, I know not what.— You may if you please call it Conscience, and something of Gratitude for favours formerly received amongst you, as being one of the same Sex. And these two things would not let me be at quiet, hearing ye so oddly abused and scandalised, and daily reproached, by those that were ten times worse than yourselves, that is to say, Men. For these Men have got a trick to lay all the weight and burden of their fears, jealousies, discontents, disquiets, their running in Debt, their Breaking, all upon the women's backs; and Matrimony too must be arraigned for their sakes. But when we came to bring both to the Bar of Reason, and weighed the Miscarriages of both the one against the other, the men's Scale was so heavy, you could hardly lift it: The women's so light, that you could hardly feel it. And therefore for these Manichaeans to bespatter Matrimony for the women's sake, is such a folly of Men, that the Women too severely labour under it. Now than I would have the Men be so ingenious, for reparation of injuries so long done the Female Sex, as to resign the Government of the World for a while to the Women; considering that we are not without examples of Heroesses, that have governed Empires and Kingdoms with that Fame and Renown, which has made 'em live to this present Age. For example, there was Semiramis that did wonders, and not only preserved, but enlarged her Husband's Dominions. Zenobia Queen of Assyria, famous in her generation. Thomyris, that not only defeated, but cut off Cyrus' Head. To these we may add the Queen of Sheba, Penthesilea, Amalasuntha, Queen of the Ostrogoths. And of later times, the great Mogul had a Mistress, who having wrought herself into the affections of the Emperor, besought him to let her have her will so far, that he would lay aside his own Imperial Dignity for four and twenty hours, and suffer her to exercise his own Absolute Dominion for that time. To which the Emperor condescending, she made such good use of her short season, that the story says, she did more good in that four and twenty hours, than the Emperor had done in all his Reign before. So that 'tis plain, that Women can do strange things if they were let alone. And truly one would think the Men could never have a better opportunity to put their Project in practice than now, while women resemble 'em so much in their Habits, in their Swashes, their Justicoars and Waistcoats, their short Hair and Periwigs, which in a short time will easily bring 'em to Breeches and Coats, which is the only thing they want.  
However, Ladies, you must be very cautious in bringing this affair about. For Men are  grown such splitters of hairs, that at downright Swearing they'll be too hard for ye. Nor would I have you take for your Example the Sicilian Vespers: I would not have you Massacre them all in one night; but you may if you please bind 'em all in one night, and then seize upon their Maces and their Caps of Maintenance, make sure of the Bankers their Fur Gowns and their Trapped Horses. But above all, Shops: which the better to bring about, you must endeavour to Libel 'em, and put the world out of conceit with 'em; nay, to make them jealous one of another, and to lay 'em as open as they have laid you. And that's the work of this Treatise, which you are to con and get without-book, that you may be able to pay your murmuring, repining, complaining, ill-natured Husbands, your domineering spendthrifts, and by-hole-hunters, in their own coins. And who knows what a benefit this may be to the world? For certainly a general peace must ensue: all Quarrels about Religion shall be at an end. Taverns shall go down, and cease to plague us with their intoxicating Bruages. Gunsmiths and Powder-men may go hang themselves. And then for Bawdy-houses, there would not be one left in the Nation. And would not this be a blessed Reformation? Well, Ladies, go on and prosper; and when you come into your Kingdom, remember  
Vostre Bonne Amie & Tres-humble Servant.   


THE First Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
MAtrimony is like a good hedge about a piece of Pasture; it keeps a Man from treading over my ground. Or if any Swashbuckler will be so eager after his game, as to break my Quickset, and ride over my Corn, a pedibus ambulando presently lays him by the heels for his daring presumption.  
Then again, a Woman is like a House; the Law gives a man a Lease of her; and he that takes a Lease of a House, is bound to keep the Tenement in repair. If she happen to be with Child, she is like a Ship, and then she never looks so handsome as when she is completely rigged and trimmed.  
He that Courts a young Lady neat and fashionable in her habit, does ill if he intent not to maintain her afterwards in the same Garb. He must be no other than one of those pitiful muck-worms that go all day with their Collars unbuttoned, that lours at the finer and more curious Dress of his Wife, as if neatness and cleanliness belonged only to Maids, and slattern carelessness to Wives: Whereas near, and trim, and tight, are the mark of Good-Huswifery; lose and tawdry, the sign of a Courtesan.  
All the while a man is a wooing, he loves to see every thing in print, every thing proper and well adjusted about his Mistress; but when they have got 'em once home, and the Portion is paid, then let the straws and the feathers stick upon their Gowns, 'tis not a pin matter.  
Nothing more delights the eye than Beauty; but let a handsome draggle-tail come in sight, and they cry, Fair and sluttish. What a pleasant comfort a man has of a wife that wallows about the house in her slip-shooes, and her Linen smelling like sour Milk! Therefore 'tis a woman's love to her Husband, that she is so earnest with him for fine , that she may be the more grateful acceptable to his sight: And what can be a greater comfort of Wedlock, than the Love of a Wife? A thing that they who want would purchase at any rate. Diamonds never show their Value, but when they are apparelled in Gold; and then they are admired by all. Proper attire, and becoming dress, are the life of Beauty.  
And more than this, every one knows, 'tis not every man's luck to have a handsome, beautiful Wife; some are pretty well, some are but so so, and some by my truly so homely, that as for their beauty you can hardly give 'em a good word However, Art helps Nature; and every one would by art correct the defects of Nature. Nay, it is their prudence to be earnest with their Husbands for those Assistances which Art requires to polish Nature, that they may keep themselves from the inconveniences of Contempt. For it is a hard matter for a woman to recover those unkindnesses which proceed from an eye that once gins to nauseate. Hence it follows, that one of the chief comforts of Marriage must be a wife well dressed, for by that means she reconciles the eye that was perhaps offended and disgusted beholding her but just before unready.  
Dress and Carriage strangely bewitch. There is a charm in the very noise and rustling of their Petticoats— I have known, when a Lady, at what time, which is not long ago, that women wore flappes to their shoes, when the noise of a Lady, perhaps not altogether so handsome as Venus, coming out of her Chamber, and gracefully beating the stairs as she descended step by step with her musical slap, slaps, has kindled new fires in the Husband below, though he had not been up above an hour before. To which the rustling of the Satin Petticoat, is like the Base to the Triple, which produces such a charming harmony, that the Eye is in a manner over-persuaded by the Ear, & believes that to be a new face, which before seemed not so pleasing; and by an officious flattery of the fancy, still improving the discovery, till it beget new flames and fresh desires. Which renewing of love being a happiness, and the aim of succeeding pleasure to both parties, produced by the delightful charm of Garb and Dress, plainly evinces that the outward Ornaments of a Wife must be a great comfort to a Married Man. And no man can blame the importunity of a Wife in that respect, when he finds it so conducing to his satisfaction.  
Then steps in that Moral Adagy to engage him deeper in his opinion; Fine feathers make fine birds. And who will not endure the horrid noise of a Parrot, or the chattering of a Jay, for the sake of their curious feathers? which being so frequently experienced, certainly one would think a rational man should much sooner endure a little more than ordinary clamour from a Wife, for that which in the end brings him the greatest comfort of Matrimony that can be, content of Mind; and removes all those nuisances, which otherwise a satiated eye might apprehend.  
Juno, the chiefest of all the Goddesses, is said to have chosen the Peacock for her peculiar Bird; and why? because of all other birds, that bird is the most sumptuously clad. And she is said of all the Goddesses, to be most gorgeous herself in her Apparel, as one that picked and culled the colours of her Knots and Ribbons, in imitation of Nature's variety bestowed upon that Bird. For which reason the Poets generally apparel her in a Mantle embroidered with the gaudy eyes of Peacock's tails. And all this to draw the wand'ring affections of Jove home to herself. Neither did Jupiter ever contradict her, though she were shrewish enough too. But that was not all; he let her have her humour, as finding it renewed his affection to her, after all the change of other Women.  
Every new Gown causes a new wedding day; for Women furnish themselves with new smiles and new caresses against that time. Pleasure itself grows irksome, when it continues still the same. The ebbings and flow of Affection, enhance the price of it. Should men be always happy, they would never know they were so. 'Tis the same with rain and sunshine, winter and summer. Those Countries are most pleasant, where the temper of the seasons, and the varieties of hot and cold, foul and fair, are most kindly intermixed: and we find that foul weather is many times more desired and more acceptable than a serene sky, as being much more beneficial.  
In like manner, if the Quarrel of a Wife be for the advantage of a Husband, if she murmur sometimes for the want of those things which may render herself to her Husband more gay and debonair in her humour, and her person more graceful and alluring to his eye, a storm may now and then be born with, that produces such calm effects.  
And this, by way of Doctrine and Use, may serve the more justly and severely to condemn those that run gadding to seek for change abroad, when he has so much variety at home. For most certainly, as the humour varies, the pleasure must be different. Female Insinuation having always had a knack to proportion the activity of their affection according to the nature of the gift which they receive; and it is as common a thing to caper and dance out of content and satisfaction, as to leap for joy.  
But what shall we say of those that regret the opening of their Purse-strings to legal Matrimony, yet never grudge the bottom of their Bags to an imperious and lavish Mistress? As if it were not better to suffer a little under the severity, though somewhat more than ordinary expensive, of a lawful Wife, than to suffer the Martyrdom of an Estate, and to be hectored out of their Gold by a prodigal Strumpet? unjust to their Wives, and sottishly bewitched, to deny that to a lawful Wife, which they part withal with so much profuseness to the frowns of their Illegitimate Miss. And fools to themselves, to purchase forbidden Lust, at the dire expense of Reputation and over-late Repentance. Yet such there are, that fret and fume, cry they cannot live a quiet hour at home, and bewail the sadness of their Condition, for a little Petticoat-importunity of their Wives, but patiently brook the reproaches of a tawdry Quean; and when she expostulates the case, and gives him a Bill of her profuse demands, and cries, Damn her, sink her, does he think she'll live with such a dog-rogue-Pimp as he, for ten pound a week; creeps and cringes, and makes loud Protestations and Vows of advancing her Fortune, to appease her Counterfeit wrath. With which when she is a little mollified, though not vouchsafed the favour which he came for, away he trudges to this Shop and t'other Shop, and in a short time sends her in a whole Caravan of Silks and toys to consummate the atonement. And do you think that person was not most severely and unmercifully used by a Daughter of Joy, that when he had bargained with her for a night's dalliance for twenty pound, coming to tell the money, and finding thirteen-pence-halfpenny wanting (for it was Maltsters Cash) forced him after he was half unstript, to put on his clothes again, and go half a mile to borrow half a crown, to make up the sum, and when he had given it her for change, kept that too? Was not this an inhuman piece of Tyranny? & yet the poor Inamorato took it as patiented as a lamb, when perhaps he would have lamented the parting with forty shillings to the importunity of his wife, and thought himself undone to purchase a new Nuptial night from her at the expense of a single pair of Stays. Such men infinitely degrade themselves, as having lost the more noble Appellation of Whoremasters; and exchanged it for the ignominious title of Whore-son Slaves. Some are such haughty Roxelana's, that upon the least disgust at a Tavern, they will throw the Quart-pot, Wine & all at the submissive Mammamuchi's pate; nay, & call him Son of a Whore to boot, as if they had both tumbled in one belly: Yet he goes home & lies with her all that night, and takes no more notice of his washed Cravat, than only, Why were't thou so nangry, Molly?  
Another sort there are, that rather than see their Wives go garbate and trim, can endure to live in the midst of stench and sluttery. However, they are contented, because the woman does not worry him, as he calls it, for fine Clothes. Perhaps because she was never so well bred as to know how to wear 'em: 'twere ten thousand times better she did. For now she lives only to convince the world by its contrary, how great the comfort is which Wedlock receives from the love of Gallantry, and cleanly spruceness. However, something she would have, but knows not what; 'tis not her stirring about her house, and moiling drudgery, that keeps her tattered and Cinder-woman-like. She keeps close in her sty, pouts and lours, and sends this body and t'other body to the Devil, and will be neither sick nor well. Coming into her Chamber, the first glance of your eye gives you a prospect of her Close-stool open, and her Chamber-pot full-charged; as if she had that high Opinion of herself, that she were some Civet-Cat; or that all which came from her were nothing but Myrrh and Essence of Orange-Flowers. Draw the Curtains, and you behold her lying in a heap, like a Sea-coal-dunghil, but somewhat blacker; and 'tis a hard question to resolve, whether she durtied the sheets, or the sheets durtied her, for they are all alike, smock, head-geer and all, of the same complexion with a Staffordshire Forgers leather Apron. She looks so like a Witch, that you would almost think her the Walnut-coloured Gipsy that murmured out the Oracles of Delphos. No body can dress her but Hercules, because she is first to be cleansed; and no body can cleanse her, but he that cleansed the Augean Stable. Therefore she converses with no body, nor any body with her: Only she has this good quality, that she is constant to her Husband, because no body else dares come near her.  
You'll say I am run into the Extremes; 'tis requisite women should go decent and near, but not above their Husband's Estates. Who shall be judge of that? the proos of the pudding, the man's undone; yet no body can say, by his Wife. Or if a man have a mind to be undone for his Wife, what's that to any body? his Marriage is never a whit the more discomfort to him, if he think it not so. And for the woman, she has no reason to complain; she cannot eat her Cake, and have her Cake.  
However, all this while, where is the discomfort of Marriage? Marriage cannot be said to be the occasion of this man's undoing or misfortune. Wedlock is too sacred an Institution, to be so scandalously reproached. But some men have got a trick to conceal the infirmities of their Estates; you shall never know what they are worth, till they break or die. They will never let their wives understand the intrinsic Value of their Coffers, but boast continually of their get, and their incomes; how much they got such a morning, how much such a day. And women proportion their demands according to the measures of what they hear or see; believing what their Husbands swear and lie to is all Gospel. So that the men have no reason to be angry, if their credulous wives, desirous to credit their Husbands, and to keep up their Port and Quality, and therefore covetous of a little gay apparel, by which the world generally makes its conjecture, are so gentile and generous as to place and fix their own delight in their Husband's Reputation and advantage; and may thank themselves if the women surpass the limits of their Abilities. For it is natural in all women of life and spirit, and refined Education, to love that which sets them forth to the best advantage, and renders them most amiable.  
Neither must we expect that all women should be she-Philosophers, or so devoutly given, to throw off the love of pomp and vanity incident to youth, upon their being Married; as if they were entering into a Nunnery, when they first entered their Husband's doors. Friends and Relations are not to be banished from the Habitations of Married men; and it is better the wife should appear rather over garbated, than too mean; rather laced, than patched and greasy. And truly, as the times go, 'tis but reason that men should bestow a little more cost than ordinary, or than perhaps formerly they did, that we may be able to know the Mistress from the Maid, and not run into the mistake of saluting the servant for the woman of the House.  
'Tis said, that  are a certain Indication of the Disposition of the person that wears them. A Wooer in the addresses which he makes to his Mistress, may soon give a shrewd conjecture at her temper by her Habit. Pride, Prodigality, Sluttery, ill-nature, all discover themselves in her dress and carriage; especially when she is in her full trim. Pride shows itself in richness of Laces, prodigality in the vanity of Ribbons, and not knowing the price of what she wears when she is asked. Sluttery appears in tawdry, and ill nature in disorder and carelessness. So that if a man make an ill choice, 'tis his own fault.  
Oh but the Charms of her face or her Portion are such, that he dies for the sake of her black brows, or her fifteen hundred pounds, if he have her not. Then I hope if he have her, he has the main comfort of Matrimony he expected, not valuing all other inconveniences, compared to the possession of what he enjoys. Which being so, 'tis not just in him to come with his after-reckoning: nor is it any real cause of complaint or disquiet, that she dun him for the same Port and Garb, nay, though it be more, which she could have maintained without him. For women by Marriage expect to meliorate their condition, and not to loare the Sails of their Maiden-pomp. So that now enjoying his desired comforts, he ought to let the Woman have her comforts also, which she had so fairly paid for, by the surrender of her person and her Portion. If she have nothing certainly he Married purely out of love and affection, believing there was no great felicity or comfort in this world, beyond the possession of her person; and then I fear me, that person is forsworn every day, that does not give her more than she demands.  
There is a story in Matchiavel, that a little before his time, the Devil came upon earth to choose him a wife, and that at length he found one out to his mind, and married her; but that among all the plagues with which she tormented him, there was none more put him to his plunges (being at a certain allowance from the grand master of Hell) than her Expenses. What's this to the purpose? this is but one single instance, and one swallow does not make a summer. It may be the Devil met with his match. But we are not to bring a general accusation against Marriage, for the follies of a few.  
Commend old stern Cato to the Female Sex. He was their friend in a corner, and said, that he that gave them offence was to be prosecuted with as much vehemence, as he that violated the Images of the Goddesses. We grant that some women may be extravagant and lavish; but set the Hare's foot to the Goose giblets; compare the good that they do, with their little extravagancies, and see which surmount. We do not presently wring off a hen's neck for breaking a Venice-glass, because we expect she should lay us more eggs, and hatch us more Chickens of twice the value.  
Neither does it follow, because a woman is a little expensive in , that she may not be chaste, virtuous, and in other things sufficiently frugal too: there is a frugality in expense, and that frugal expense it is, that scatters the Coin of a Nation, which hoarded up, does no body no good.  
Wives are not imposed upon men, but chosen; and he is a fool, and betrays his own folly too, in lamenting an act of his own, of which he can never repent but in vain.  
But she louts and pouts, she mumbles and grumbles all day, and at night turns tail a-bed, and won't let him— unless— and all the reason in the world. For the wealth of a Family ought to be common to both. And therefore a wife has just cause to be offended, and to show her disgust, if the Husband deny her that, which she has as much right to bestow on herself, as he has to give her. He denies her her due, and she denies him his. So that in this case, 'tis not the effect of Matrimony, but his own peevish injustice that occasions his disquiet. For, take away the cause, the effect ceases.  
But she demands more than his Estate will produce. He toils and moils, and runs and goes, and labours and sweats, and takes care, yet nothing will content her. Those things should have been concerted at first. However, 'tis a sign she had rather have it by fair than by fowl means; rather from him than from another. Otherwise, had she a design to be supplied another way, she would never trouble him. If it be true which he says, that she does really overcharge him, has he not the law in his own hands? But this is the mischief on't, all men desire rich wives; and when they have them, know no bounds of moderation at first, but spend as if they thought the bag had no bottom. The woman, as she finds it at first, believes the same golden age will still continue. So that when she comes to be stinted, and finds the sudden alteration, no wonder she takes it impatiently, as one that not having seen the account stated, cannot be persuaded she has had her share in the dissipation of her fortune. Better it were then, that men would seek out wives suitable to their condition, and not run prowling after great Fortunes, not regarding the fitness of the person for their society and employment, but the largeness of the Portion, let her be otherwise Prodigal, or Slut, or what she will. The Boarding-Schools are ransacked, the Prerogative-Office rumaged from one end to the other; and if they hear of a prey, all the Arts and Inventions of the Devil, Midwives, Nurses, Chambermaids, and other subtle instruments of insinuation and temptation are set at work to ensnare the poor unthinking Gentlewoman. And what comes on't? if the intelligence were real, Lawsuits, Prosecutions, and Divorces. If not, quiet Possession, the woman's friends overjoyed they are rid of her, and when all comes to all, both cheated. Then after the heat is a little over, the main business gins to be scanned; inquiry is made, tiptoe expectations on both sides. But when the lame discovery comes limping out, then how is the darling of his Soul cursed and banned, and the Matchmaker damned, and the deaf devil invoked to take 'em both! But there is no remedy; the Thumb is ringed, that must not long enjoy that golden Hoop; and so the deluded Couple consume away in unpaid-for Lodgings, and the poor Chandler's debt.  
Sometimes two grave Beard-stroakers meet with their Legem pone-Law, and at length conclude a Match by way of bargain and sale; and so the young Couple are at last married by Indenture.  
But if any inconveniences arise from these corruptions of Matrimony, they are not to be looked upon as the discomforts of lawful Wedlock, but as the punishments of rash and greedy riot, or the long experienced inconveniences of Smithfield-barter.  
But lawful Matrimony, which is the effect of choice and mature consideration of the mutual temper and affection of both parties, that's the true Matrimony, that seldom misses the end it aims at; where differences between Husband and Wife, like discords in Music, render the harmony of their society more sweet and delectable; and where those little quarrels about new Gowns and Petticoats do but whet the Appetite, or else awak'n the slumbering kindness of the Husband.  
As for stealing of Fortunes, and tolling of wives in the Market; they are Matches generally of Monsieur Satan's making; and theresore if they be accompanied with ruin and misfortune, 'tis no great wonder. For Virtue, Honour, Chastity, Diligence, and good Education, are the chief Dowry to be looked after in a wife. And for such, let them wear Tissue, if they desire it; and they'll never desire it, if it may not be afforded them.   

THE Second Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
BUt the Charge does not end it seems in this; there are other Expenses of another nature; Stratagems and Collusions of Gossips one among another, that make the poor man's nightcap fit uneasy. And this Expense is of a long continuance, from the first Quickening, to the last ceremony of Churching. But here, give me leave to tell ye, beloved, that if there be any discomfort in Marriage, 'tis the woman that feels it, and not the man.  
The rolling and tumbling of the little Embryo, twinges her every moment; the qualms of breeding run through every vein of her body, more particularly affecting the stomach, and occasioning that squeamish niceness of Appetite that requires a more curious and agree able nourishment and refreshment, as well for the Infant as the Breeding woman. Nature also busy in the framing of a new Creature, produces strange operations in Female fancy, which if it be not satisfied with the enjoyment of those objects which it has fixed upon, is the occasion many times of great detriment to the Mother by frequent Miscarriage, and great disfigurement to the Child. And then is time for a woman to try the affection of her Husband, who must be thought very unkind to venture the life of his dearest Consort for the want of two or three plump Partridges, or the corner of a Venison Pastry. It would be a mercy unseasonably shown to his new shoes, or the soles of his feet, to grudge the trudging, though it were ten miles a foot, to obtain so slight a satisfaction to a tender wife, suffering for the sake of his own pleasure. Certainly if there be any content in the delicacy of Viands, that happiness is enhanced; and a man can have no greater comfort in Matrimony, than to feast and junket with his wife, his best Companion, and his dearest friend.  
It is but an ordinary piece of gratitude to indulge the Palate of a teeming woman, and to alleviate the throws of Conception and Maturation with the slender gratification of a few kick-shaws, knowing how great the return of the fruit which she bears, will be at the end of her time. If nothing less will serve her than a washbowl of Claret, if she has a mind to confound a whole Sieve of Kentish Cherries, or to deprive a roasting Pig of his Ears, and knaw them off upon her knees from the spit, where's the discomfort of Matrimony in all this? There's ne'er a man in the world that cares to see his Daughter depriving her sweetheart of his full kiss, by reason of the piece wanting in her harelip: Or to see a red spot overspreading his Sons check, as if Nature had wrapped him up in natural Scarlet, for a continual pain in the Gums. And all this for want of a pitiful forty shillings-worth of green pease in April. Men never consider the Crowns and Angels they throw away in their pot-revelling, and Healthing it at the Tavern; their Collations at the Rummer, with Salmon and old Hock, their Hashes and Potages at the Bear in Birchin-lane; while they grudge the poor Teeming woman at home, under the affliction of their nocturnal satisfaction, the bare solace of a single Coney, and a penny white-loaf.  
Oh!— but then there must be a new Alkove, with a deep Silk Fringe; there must be a Scarlet Satin Mantle for the newborn Babe, with a broad gold and silver bonelace; there must be a Court-Cupboard covered with Tankards and Caudle-cups of Goldsmith's work; and then the Gossips come in in shoals, and devour like Aethiopian Locusts. There must be Neats-Tongues, and Westphalia Hams, piles of Oranges and Lemons, and Mountains of Woodstreet Plum-cakes. Neither must the French and Spanish Juices be wanting to wash these sorrows from their Female Hearts. The women prate and chat and tattle too, and give ill Counsel, and bad Instructions. They discover by what means and ways they obtained it, and what an Arbitrary power they have at home. Now where's the discomfort of Matrimony in all this? here's nothing but mirth and comfort itself; pure rejoicing for the birth of a Manchild. Would you be willing to be Landlord to a Comfit-maker, and not have him pay his Rent? Then for Gossips to meet, nay to meet at a lying in, and not to talk, you may as well damn up the Arches of London-Bridge, as stop their mouths at such a time. 'Tis a time of freedom, when women, like Parliament-men, have a privilege to talk Petty Treason. And he's an Ignoramus of a Husband, that will not pass an act of oblivion for the Trespasses of a Christening Banquet.  
Women are sociable Creatures as well as men; and if they can't talk Philosophy, they must talk of that which they better understand.  
I never heard but of one man, an Italian Painter, who was made believe that he was with Child; who was so apprehensive of the trouble and pangs of Delivery, that having but a hundred pound in all the world, he gave it all a Physician for a distilled water of fat Capons, and other Ingredients, to cure him of his burden. The fellow that had his Brother growing out of his side, found it an unmerciful trouble to lug him about.  
Men must acknowledge that women have done them a most extraordinary kindness, to ease them of that ponderous weight of Infant-carriage. And therefore since they have all the trouble, 'tis fit they should have some retaliation and alleviation of their pains. And therefore they that make these Expenses the discomforts of Matrimony, are only such as desire an end of the world for want of Procreation. For they are such necessary and incumbent appurtenances to the act of Generation, that you may as well separate the Sea from a mouth of a River, as part expense from the Chamber of Delivery. For man is Lord of the world, and of all the Creatures, and therefore it is fit that as much of the Creature as may be, should attend him at his first entry. These are therefore laudable Expenses; and there can be no discomfort in doing that which is laudable and honourable.  
These are nothing to the discomforts of the secret sinner. The first thing that salutes him in a morning, going to drink his morning's draught, (and he had need of it, Heaven knows, to wash sorrow from his heart) is an old woman, that drops him a curtsy, and gives him a little piece of Foul Paper, ill folded up, and sealed with the end of a Thumb. Sir, quoth she, it comes— well, well, I know, 'tis sufficient,— well, but Sir, quoth she,— well— well — no more, quoth he— But Sir,— and then she gives him the doleful whisper,— The Gentlewoman is in great distress for want of Money; she expects every hour, and the people threaten to turn her out of her Lodging.— Oh the comforts of Whoring then, how they slide to his benumbed heart, and carry a chillness through his blood, like the juice of Henbane! Ale will not then go down; a Tost and Sack must be the Cordial, which taken liberally at first, causes him to indulge himself into a forgetfulness of the business for that day. But the next morning, fresh Terrors assail his thoughts. Sometimes he thinks he sees a little bundle of unfortunate Innocence lying at his door; sometimes he believes he sees the same witherd-faced Messenger that brought him the first Letter discoursing with his wife; loss of Reputation amuses him. The very thoughts of a Churchwarden, and finding Security, drives him almost to despair. Well, something must be done. Away he takes a disconsolate march about the streets, and at length the sign of the Cradle in a by-hole, revives his drooping Soul. In he goes, and fortunately finding the she-professor of Iniquities Mystery, to her unfolds his deplorable misfortune. The demands run high, besides Lodging and Candles, a dry and a wet Nurse, and all ready money, no faith. And that pinches hard, to pay so high for illegitimate Touch and go. Summa totalis 200 l. and a weekly Contribution of four shillings, besides Barrows, Clouts, Coats, diminutive shoes, Sugar and Candles. All things concluded, in pops the light Housewife in the dark out of her close Sedan, and goes for the wise of a bad Husband gone beyond Sea; only the compassion of her friend is such, that his charity will not let her want.  
All this while there is no contract or bargain that will bind these Purse-sucking bawds; for the threatening to lay the Child at the door, is such a terrible thunderclap to his ears, and the Jades do so haunt him, that he may be truly said to live a continual slave to their necessities: which must of force be a great consolation to his mind over the left shoulder.  
Whereas the Expenses belonging to the lawful Marriagebed, bring no such vexations to the Mind; as being only the occasion of mirth and jollity among the Neighbourhood, and gain the reputation of generosity and kindness to the Husband.  
And thus you find the Country Farmer's feast their Harvest-folks and sheep-shearers after their work is over. The endurance of pain and travel that brings advantage, aught to be recompensed to the full. And it is not the kind and becoming Treatment of a Wife, to retaliate her yearly presents of lawful Issue, that can disquiet a loving Husband, but the paying for a Bastard, and the subjection he lives in to the concealers of his Infamy, that cause a fermentation in his thoughts, and make his very life uneasy to him.  
I had almost forgot one thing more; there's the Spiritual Court too, if he have not a great care to prevent it, will have a considerable fleece from his back to boot. And is't not a great comfort to a man, d'ye think, to stand in the face of his whole Parish, and more Spectators than came to hear the Parson, leapt up in a white sheet all but his face, as Spirits walk by midnight? and all for sporting between unlawful sheets, which though two to one, will never be able to wipe of the disgrace of the single shroud. So great a blemish may a man receive from white as well as from charcoal black, while the white sheet discovers what the white sheets were made to conceal. My dear friends consider these things.   

THE Third Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
WEll— and what then?— why when a man has got a woman within the Pale of Matrimony, she is then like a Mess of Porridge. And there is no man has got his dish of broth well crumbed and seasoned for his own Palate, but will be very angry if another come with his long spoon to eat it up from him. The most surly maintainer of Liberty and Property, in the case of Matrimony, will not allow those two words to associate together; for assuming all the property to himself, he will not admit of any liberty to the woman.  
If a Gentleman with a Sword by his side, and flaring Cravat, with Fringed Gloves, be observed to visit his wife, presently 'tis looked upon as an ill sign: if he Coach her abroad, 'tis ten times worse, for that, by the custom of the City, the women are never to show their best  but only on Sundays, or upon solemn invitations to Burials and Christen. The Vicinity being thus in an uproar, some cunning, Mantissimus busybody or other undertakes, out of good will, as he calls it, to come and give his Neighbour prudent advice, as being a young man that had not seen the world; and so most gravely and right reverendly, over the expense of eight brass farthings, at a penny club, forewarns and admonishes him of the mischiefs that hang over his head.  
This friendly advice puts a hundred maggots into the Husband's head, when Heaven knows, all was well before. So that if the poor man be troubled afterwards with a tingling in his ears, or worms in his pate, he may thank that impertinent intelligence of his officious neighbour, and not his wife for it. For it argues a great folly in a man, not to bid such an impertinent admonitor go about his own business; rather choosing to live free from tittle tattle, and to stand fair in the opinion of the flipperous Town-Flebergebits, than to keep himself quiet at home, by letting his wife go abroad now and then with a friend.  
'Tis observed, that women seldom think ill, till their Husbands dream it first. By trusting a woman, you lay an obligation upon her; by distrusting her, you put her upon those little revenges which perhaps she never thought of before. Thus it was the great argument which the Spanish Lady used to herself, that she had not done much amiss to admit her Page into her Bed, because she knew that her Husband was a bed with an Innkeepers Daughter of the Town, at the same time. So that he who keeps his wife under a causeless restraint, lays the trains himself that blow up his content, and then lays the fault upon Matrimony.  
He that carries her to a Feast, must be her gallant; that's indubitable. But he that carries her to a Play or a Ball, commits abomination, and is presently to be Excommunicated from the House. So ready are the Mote-spiers in other people's eyes, to squander away the content and reputation of their Neighbours; and yet would be the first that would complain, were they so hampered themselves.  
Therefore say the Doctors in Love-Affairs, that a woman which is kept as it were under lock and key, and made to renounce all her former acquaintance after Marriage, is half gained: and your true gamesters must generally pray where control and tyranny are most sour and severe.  
But these Kinsmen, you'll say, are no Kinsmen, but men in the shape of Kinsmen; and what ever the pretence be, the design is quite another thing, and the Kinsman and the wife concert together. Why, look ye for this, 'tis a general custom in England, and many other places, when Locks go hard to oil 'em. If the humour of a morose Husband be so stingy and rusty, that it will not easily give way, it must be oiled with fair pretence and clever invention. 'Tis a happiness to him, that he has not Married the contempt of the world, but that he has a wife who deservedly merits the respect of others besides himself. There is no man that has any thing of generosity, but that to some, and at some times, lends out the most precious part of his wealth, his Horse, his silver-hilted Sword, and his Guineas to boot. And is it such a piece of matter sometimes to lend out the good company and cheerful society of his wise, so long as she's safely returned again? Should men be bound to confess the cheats and shams they put upon their wives, when they have been potting and piping, and Shovel-boarding it till twelve a clock a night, and pretend they have been dunning this Knight, or t'other Lady, they would think it a hard case. 'Tis nothing for a man that has been a caterwauling all day, and comes home with a weeping Flagelet, to tell her a story of straining his back in taking a ditch after a Hare; but the mollified excuse of a Kinsman to go abroad with her, must be a crime never to be forgiven. For it must be a Kinsman, or else her Lord and Master will not let her go. As if a Kinsman were such a guard to woman's honesty; when if we rightly considered it, the Proverb tells us, The nearer akin, the deeper in. So then 'tis not the going abroad, nor the going abroad with a Kinsman, which is the discomfort of Matrimony; but 'tis his own fears and suspicions that muddle his brains.  
If I lend my gay Sword to a friend, and he happens to wound another in a Duel with it, yet if he return it bright and clear, my Sword is never the worse. What the eye sees not, the heart never rues; why should then a man torment himself, when he cannot perceive the least injury done him; not so much as the value of a hair taken from him? On the other side, it is the comfort of Matrimony, that a man is the owner of a wife admired for her Converse and Education, which signify little, unless communicated to several, and not singly to one. Men do not marry to bury their wives alive in a house; and it is an ornament to their Husband's Reputation, when they do not make themselves contemptible by silly behaviour, but respected for their complaisance and acceptable freeness. And a man had better be over-indulgent to his wife in point of liberty, than be accounted her Jailor. In short, 'tis a greater comfort of Matrimony to have a wife that loves to go abroad, rather than one that lies lurking at home. For she that keeps her kennel, is a continual spy over his actions, and has always a whither go ye at her tongue's end; whereas the tother lets the man take his lopes as she takes hers.  
But who can keep his Mistress from gadding, though he pay her never so well? Where's your Empire and Dominion there Sir? she scorns the domineering Cully; values not his sour looks, nor comes to ask leave. But has her Chariots at her wink to trundle her about the Town among her Jacks and her Illss, while she frolicks away the spoils of his unruly heat. Fatal scaperloytring sometimes, that frequently brings the lascivious Prodigal more than Circumcised from the Surgeon, and sends him Noseless to the grave.   

THE Fourth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
BUt now, Matrimony, have at thee with a swinging blow. Thou art the Product of Children, and the worst of Children, Daughters that live and grow up, and expect Portions, and the Devil a cross there's for 'em. However, besides the Charge of the Boarding-School, there must be fine  to quicken the Market; and the Mother would fain be a Grandmother, but cannot. And this, they pretend, breeds ill blood, wrangling, and snarling, and quarrelling, and twits and taunts, and I know not what disorder in a Family. But they must certainly be a very weak sort of women, that make these disturbances, and consequently very few: nor ought they indeed to be disturbances to any man of reason. For the comfort of Matrimony is so great in the having of Children, that it surmounts all other Considerations. And he that has the greatest stock, may be said to have a vast Estate of his own Flesh and Blood. But the real discomforts of Marriage then clamour loudest, and give the bitterest twinges to the heart, when the man is reproached for his Impotency, or the woman taxed for imperfection; which puts the woman into such a passion, that she never rests till she has found where the fault lies. And I hope that woman cannot blame her Husband for not providing for that which is none of his own. Therefore you see the Form of the English Matrimony starts a notable Question about the Impediment; to show that the end of Marriage is the Generation of Children, not of  nor Portions. Yet those are Circumstances not to be altogether forgotten neither. However, the great Lady that called all her Gallants to her bedside when she lay a dying, and assigned to every one his share, is a convincing Argument that a man may toil and moil, and cark and care, and when he has done, bestow the sweat of his brows in the wrong Christmas-box. Let a man be sure not to fail a woman in the main point of the Impediment, and he may be sure he has some, though not all, nay it may be his share in all; let'um share all alike higgledy piggledy, give 'em good breeding and good Education. She that carries that to her Husband, carries a Portion as good as a Thousand pounds. Her skill in raising a Turkey or a Goose-pie, is clearly to be valued at the rate of two hundred pound; her knowledge in marketting is worth two hundred pounds more, and her skill in preserving at the other hundred pound; there's as good as five hundred pound of the King's best Coin in England. Portions ruin more than they make: He that marries a wife for the Portions sake, buys a Concubine, does not marry a wife. Do but let us have good Protestant Nunneries to lay up the lame and the deformed, and then divide the Money to the Sons, and you shall quickly see the young brisk Lads pick and cull out the rest, as we do Cherries, till there be none left. If it be the discomfort of Matrimony, that a man is not able to give his Daughter a Postion, 'tis a greater discomfort to him to see his Daughter returned upon his hands, like a Bromigeham-groat, after the consumption of his Benevolence; which if he had never had to part withal, the had never been under that discomfort. Neither is it safe always to divulge what a man intends to give his Daughter; for if that be once given out, then comes one smooth-chinned slipstring or other, and makes a Pye-comes insurance of his affection upon her belly.  
There are some young Damsels that take too much notice of Men, when they turn to the wall, and that very carelessly too, to make water; which puts 'em into such an  passion, that for haste they fall in league with the Groom or the Butler, and run away with 'um.  
There are some men that will fit at a Tavern and take off glass for glass with their pin feathered Sons, and never rebuke 'em, when they hear 'em cry— God— d— me, Sir, you don't drink fair, be G—Sir, I drank last. Some there are that make if their sport, and look on without offence, to see the young Squire kiss and tumble the Vintner's Cookmaid before their faces.  
Now these are all hopeful, as they call 'em, such as may be easily thought can shift for themselves without Portions; such as can swim in the world without the bladders of Dowries and Annuities.  
And therefore never let men or women trouble their brains about Portions; for if their Sons and their Daughters are truly sensible of their inability, they can 〈◊〉 ●nother way to the wood of themselves. Women are not ware that fine , and the assurance of Portion, spoil the Daughter's Sunday-Devotion at Church. And then for the Weekday Morning-prayers, a laced Night-fail and a long scars sets 'em equal with the best. And what occasion have they of gadding any farther abroad?  
Therefore 'tis no discomfort of Matrimony to be wife-dunned for children's Portions; for the recreation and pleasure is as great to see the Ingenuity of his Children in shifting for themselves, as to stand upon the soil, and see a Hare dance and double before the Hounds.  
If all this will not stop the Woman's mouth, the man may tell her, That the Lacedæmonians made a Law that no man should give any Portion with his Daughter. It may be she'll say, she does not care a f— ● for the Lacedæmonians; Then you may tell her what a good Lady Venus was, who permitted the Cyprian Damsels to suffer all strangers to make use of their bodies till they had got enough to marry 'em honestly; and ask her how she likes this Project for her Daughters? For if a woman will have a Portion for her Daughter where it cannot be had, she must ferch it out of the fire. When the young bird's flown, the old one never takes farther care of her. You never knew an old Rook give a Portion to the young one; only you may find they gave 'em good learning and Education, and so leave 'um. Observe but the Temple-Garden. Therefore, O most indulgent Mothers, cease your Clacks, and let not Matrimony be reproached for your sakes, with a discomfort, which well considered brings both belight and advantage to your Husbands.   

THE Fifth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
COme, come,— we'll soon determine this Controversy; Here's an old old man has married a young young woman; and because he cannot give her the least content, she seeks for aid and assistance elsewhere. As I told you before, 'tis a notable question, that in the Form of Marriage, about the Impediment. The Husband is called to answer for himself, and the standers by are bid and charged to speak their minds; yet not one will open his mouth, when they know the old Dotterel to have no more pith in his back than an Elder-gun. And thus the young Gentlewoman, all fire and high-metteled, is deluded and frustrated of all her Expectations. And this is a wrong not to be repaired by all the Darling-Gold in his Coffers. Her Parents might have as well have married her to an Eunuch, or the Statue of Priapus.  
'Twas a most insufferable injury done to one of the most flourishing Beauties in one of the adjoining Counties, for a Gentleman to marry her when he was not only impotent, but defective. I tell ye this, to show ye the Convenience of Lyeurgus' Law about Deputy-Kinsmen. However, such was the modesty of the Lady, that she never discovered her misfortune, and so died a married Virgin. He might have gone over ten Counties, and not have met with such a Phoenix.  
Say you, the remedy is worse than the disease, 'tis contrary to Law— I will not argue the point of Law— but I say, here are pregnant excuses that mollify and extenuate the fact. Here is a disappointment of Nature itself, here is the loss of offpring, and the highest violation imaginable of the Nuptial bed. Now give me leave to tell ye a story; for I think I have one in my budget fit for the purpose.  
There was a very fine Lady that lived in a great City of Italy, who had the misfortune to be taken a bed in the arms of her Lover. Her Husband like an old fool grew horn-mad presently, and would needs take the severity of the Law against her, which was no less than Death. There wanted no proof you may be sure on the Husband's part; however, the Lady came very clearly off, by her own discretion. For said she to the Judge, Pray ask my Husband, whether ever I denied him the satisfaction of my body whenever he required it? The Husband confessed what she said to be very true. Well then, my Lord, replied the Lady, what should I have done with the overplus that remained in my own power? should I have cast it away, like the Elders Maid? Was it not better for me to pleasure a worthy Gentleman that was ready to die for love of me, than a surfeited Husband, that had ten times more than he knew what to do withal? Where lies now the discomfort of an old man's marrying a young Lady all fire and tow? He lies at ●ack and Manger, and has his full swinge of all the pleasure and comfort that he is in any possibility capable of. 'Tis the poor Lady that suffers a continual famine, that lies yawning and stretching for more; but all in vain: the springs of life and vigour are all dried up. Limberness and Frigitidy are the only fuel that feed her youthful flames. Her amorous fires kindled by the Embers of his drooping years, grow violent, and prey upon her lusty blood. And is it not time to call out for help, when hardly the spout in a Whale's neck will serve to send forth streams sufficient to quench her inward fires?  
Nor can ye blame her for the refusal of his conjugal Kindness at some times. For as he is her Husband, she is not bound to kill him with overdoing. She has more good Nature. Or if by flattery and dalliance she milk the udders of his Golden Heifers, 'tis but reason he should pay for his pleasure, who can afford her no other Retaliation.  
If she seek her relief with prudence and secrecy, 'tis but common discretion; and she may be allowed to take fees a both hands, when no body can determine the cause but herself.  
He that cannot keep Shop by himself, may be glad of a Copartner to join with him. And it may be a Question, whether she that neglects the aid of necessary restoratives in this case, may not be said to be a felo de se, and to be the occasion of her own death, by confining herself to the steams of a Churchyard all night, and all day conversing with a walking Charnel-House. These are not only discomforts, but terrors and affrights: and you may commend her valour too, as well as her patience, to lie with an apparition.  
But what may we think of those decrepit half-pint Lechers, who being as sapless as a dried Fennel-stalk, yet you may dog them shuffling along with their crickling hams, till they pop into one of their old haunts of iniquity. Where they dal for Vice to correct Sin, for forgetting their former Lessons of Lasciviousness. While the sturdy Queen belabours their buttocks, till their impotent wimbles peep out of their bellies to beg a reprieve for their Tails.  
There are some, that when their other Tackle fails 'em, love to fornicate with their eyes. And such a one was he, that when he could hardly draw his legs after him, but with the help of two Church-pillars instead of C●●che●, yet could not forbear to make his evening visits to a come Bowdier house i'the Town, where his whole relight was, over two black pots of Ale, to behold the naked Harches of a strapping black-browed Quean; which she all daubed with sut as she stood opposite to him, bolt upright in the Chimney, like the Idol Mol●ck, all bedript with the fat of his Infant-Offerings.  
I could tell ye of another grave Father in sin, whose invention was much more odd and fantastical and much more chargeable. For he had always a leash, or a leash and a half of young Queans in his pay, whom he always treated in a great room, with a roasting fire, and a Table furnished with all the Delicates of the Poulterer's shops. Where when they came to supper, they were to enter and sit down as naked as they were born, and fall to merrily, while he as naked as they, crept under the Table, and there lay erring and snarling like a Dog, and snapping sometimes at their shins, and sometimes at their feet, sometimes at their thighs, and cranching the bones which they threw him down from their Trenchers.  
Now if it be such a discomfort of Matrimony for an impotent Curmudgeon that has Married a vigorous Damsel to her infinite injury, to admit of a friendly Coadjutor, here are pleasant remedies and inventions found out for him, which he may make use of for the ease and solace of her discontent; but never let him be disquieted at what his young brisk and dissatisfied wife does; when he is the only occasion of all she does himself.  
Rather, if an old Hunks without life or vigour, have such an inclination to lechery, let him in imitation of the former examples, please those senses which are least defective, and not go about to make a young and better-deserving Gentlewoman's life miserable and loathsome to her, where she expects her greatest felicity and enjoyment.   

THE Sixth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
WHat's the matter now? why now we're all to pieces again. Here's a wife with a wannion,— she'll dine when she pleases, she'll sup when she pleases; nay, she'll neither dine nor sup when she pleases: she'll command the servants, be Mistress of Misrule; she questions all comers and goers, breaks open her Husband's Letters,— Hoyda,— and what of all this? why 'tis the greatest discomfort as can be, to have such a woman as this. Now is not this Husband a Ninnie to complain of such a wife? 'tis pity exchange is not permitted by the Law. Why there are men that would give him their own wives, and a thousand pound to boot, for such a woman as this. By my Fakins he's shrewdly hurt, to have a wife that frees him from all his Family-cares. Who should question people's business, but she who is able to give 'em an answer? who should command his servants, but she who has authority so to do? But she won't eat her dinner,— why then let her let it alone. You may be sure she'll never starve herself; and having such a command i'the House, she knows the way to the outboard herself. But not with him. Then let him eat by himself: it shows great and Majestical, so that his servants be but about him. But she breaks open his Letters. What? are they Billet douxes, or assignations? if they be, he's a fool to let them come home to his House. For 'tis the nature of women to be peeping; and the Poet says, Though you thrust nature back with a Pitch-fork, she will return.  
But that which grieves him most, is, that she is so stingy and waspish, notwithstanding all his courtship and kindness. Alas! that does but feed the humour. 'Tis like drinking Claret to cure sore Eyes. women's humours are like the Gout. You may use a thousand remedies, and all to no purpose, till the pain and swelling wear off of themselves. Besides, you may be certain, whatever humour possesses a woman, that humour pleases her. Therefore let her enjoy it; 'tis not the part of a kind Husband to court her out of it.  
However, this is a most horrible discomfort, not to be denied; when a man sends home to his wife beforehand, and desires him to make provision, because he has some very good friends to come and sup with him. And what then? why then shall she like an undutiful sut as she is, neglect all his commands, and not only makes no provision, but sends all the servants out of the way on purpose, to the utter disappointment of him and his friends. Why look ye, if a man wants Government, he must blame his own folly, not his wife. 'Tis the opinion in such a case of some great Doctors, that a man may take his wife to task, as the world has a genteel soft word for it, to prevent the like miscarriage another time. Daily experience tells us, that when men find their bodies over charged with ill humours, they are forced to exercise a sort of kind cruelty upon their own flesh, and to cut holes in their Arms, Thighs, Legs, and Temples, to let out those ill humours, with the waist of their life-blood. The same reason then that prevails with a man not to spare cruelty to himself, may excuse him if with more moderation, he only take his wife to task.  
Two Gentlemen travelling upon the road, came at length to a place where they found a Carrier belabouring the sides of a damned resty Mare, that would neither go backward nor forward, as if he had been sheathing a Ship with sheet-lead. The Gentleman pitying the poor beast, desired the Carrier to be less passionate. The Carrier bid them meddle with their own business, for he knew his Mare's disposition better than they. The same night one of the Gentlemen invited his friend home with him, and desired his wife to provide him a handsome Treatment, and told her what he would have; but when Supper came to be served up, there was not only nothing of what he expected, but every thing ill dressed and out of order. Thereupon, the Gentleman after Supper, in the presence of his friend, took his wife to task, and was so severe, that his friend rebuked him, as they had both rebuked the Carrier. But the Gentleman returning the Carrier's answer, went on, taking his wife to task, till he brought her both to submission, and promise of amendment. You'll say this was Carrier-like. Oh, Sir, you are mistaken, there's a delight in Correction; that tickles some men extremely. Else the Presbyterian Parson would never have taken so much pleasure as he did, in whipping his Maid. Pedagogues delight in lashing, and are glad when a Boy commits a fault, that they may be at their be loved sport. And were it the fashion for Schoolmasters to teach Female Scholars, you should find more whipping than there is.  
Well, but on the other side, perhaps the woman may be in no fault neither. For how does she know but that they may be a company of Town-cheats, that have a design to dip themselves in her Husband's shop-book; or else such a sort of wanton Canary-birds, that have wheadled her Husband to give them a treatment at his house, to get an opportunity to make an Intrigue with his wife? and therefore she does discreetly to keep out of their way, and lock herself up in her Chamber. That woman is highly to be commended many times, that retires herself, to avoid the opportunities of temptation. You may be sure there's something i'the wind when your flippeting Gallants are so desirous to go home with a man. For otherwise, could not he as well have given 'em a Treat A-la-mode at the Tavern, as trouble his wife with a Supper? And another thing is, men cannot be so merry in women's company; 'tis not so proper to swear and tell bawdy stories in the presence of the Mistress of the House, as when they're among themselves. Now where's the discomfort of Matrimony, because a woman will not expose herself to the inconveniency of these perilous times?  
But for a poor-spirited Ouf to be cowbabyed by his Punk; to let her cog and flatter out of him not only his own, but the secrets of his wife; to let her be familiar with his Pockets, read his Notes and Letters, and understand the depth of his concerns; to sit in her Chamber cursing, banning, plaguing and poxing his wife, to make Music in her Ears; to let her break his pate, and burn his Periwig; nay, and which is worse, to maintain a Strumpet under his wife's nose, in her own house, and turn her out of her own bed, to make room for his imperious Harlot; to let her be the Domina fac totum, and Mistress of misrule over Wife, Servants, and himself, and all: These are the precious comforts of Whoring, beloved, that may be born with, when the sullen look of a wife must be reckoned among the Fifteen Discomforts of Matrimony.  
Most certainly such a woman lives under all the discomforts imaginable, to see a ranting Concubine usurping her authority, and ruling the roast within her own Territories. No man can suffer any such inconveniences from the pouting and scowling of a wife. Neither are men so free from peevish and morose themselves, that they should think a little doggedness in their wives such a terrible calamity. Physicians give those Medicines which are proper for the distemper. And many times a woman finds her Husband very costive in the Purse. Now if a Husband be such a Cox, to let his wife understand his infirmity, and that a dram or two of pouting will put him into a kindhearted looseness, you may be sure she'll never forgo her Probatum est. I had rather a woman should frown and hang the lip, than collogue and flatter; for under that grass lurks the most dangerous Serpent.  
A woman that only scowles and lowts, has but one string to her bow; and a little train of resolution defeats her: but the cunning tongue-pad Slut, like a Mole of a Gipsy, undermines the very heart of a man, and blows up all his constancy. Sullenness is only a trial of skill, and may miss as well as hit. But flattery is mere Witchcraft, and unresistable. Sullenness puts a man to ask the reason, and many times he finds it: But flattery admits of no consideration. Good Government prevents sullenness; but flattery is a charm against discretion.   

THE Seventh Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
ANd is it possible that a woman should live so long honest with her Husband, and turn drab at last? However here's but a piece of a discomfort; the Scene changed; exit Wife, enter Devil. And the cause of this is, because she has taken a surfeit of Husband. In this case— give me leave to scratch first— I think we are not to judge over-hastily of this affair. All her Spring and Summer she lived like a Diana; but toward her Autumn the leaves of her affection turned Fueillemot. Truly in this the woman does no more than what whole Nations do, I mean the Tartars and Seythians, who when they have graz d up one Country, seek fresh Pastures in another. She finds the heart of her Husband's vigour worn out, as Farmers do their grounds, and therefore lets him lie fallow a while, to try if he can recover his strength. You say, 'tis a surfeit— Very good. Then take this for a rule, if a man have eaten Lampreys liberally for nine years together, and surfeit in the tenth, his Physician will not admit him to feed upon that dyet any more. Surfeits are dangerous; and the surfeit of a long thing with one eye, may be as deadly, as the surfeit of a long thing with nine eyes. Change your Cock, was a piece of advice once given to a Lady, by a person of eminent gravity and preferment. That was upon a complaint of ineffectual conjunction: However, good advice is not confined to one single Occasion.  
Having deeply pondered all these considerations, the woman lays out for another convenient Mate, and by good luck meets with one; opens her grief, and finds Compassion. By the way, here is a woman grieved; and persons aggrieved are always the Objects that Compassion is in search for. As you man find by all the stories of the Seven Champions, Don Bellianis of Greece, the Knight of the Burning Pestle, and a hundred more. Now this person had been no true Knight, had he stifled so noble a Virtue, since it was in him, as his Compassion. So great a happiness it is when Grief and Compassion meet together, and so glad is Compassion of doing its Office. Both which centring in aliquo Tertio, strangely redound to the good Fortune of the forsaken Husband, that his frigidity should prove the occasion of the so lucky meeting of Grief and Compassion. All which considered, the woman could be in no fault; for she was cerainly aggrieved: and grief naturally seeks redress. Nor could the Gentleman be in a fault, by reason of his charity and generosity in relieving the distressed. But you'll say, Virtue seeks no corner, and Truth is always naked. Neither do I believe but the truth of this business was as naked as you could wish or desire. Why then did the woman not reveal her distress and relief to her Husband? but endeavour to blind him with her flim-flam-stories, and make him believe she was as honest as ever she was in her life? Hold a blow there, I did not tell ye the Gentleman was forced to do what he did: and you know, Charity's a Virtue that always loves to keep herself private. Perhaps her Husband, had he known it, would have bid the Devil take the Gentleman's Compassion, and so she might have been the occasion of her Husbands cursing so great a Virtue: No— 'twas better as ' 'twas. For her grief had been unrelieved, and the Gentleman's Compassion had been prevented.  
But where's this man's Discomfort all this while? Why upon his Wife's turning Whore, his Estate got a Gonnorrhea, and pined and consumed away to nothing. Or if you will have it another way, his Wife put his Estate upon the spit of Prodigality, and let it lie roasting so long at the fire of her Lust, that it dript quite away.  
What then? This is no disparagement to Matrimony. For while the woman lives within the confines of Matrimony, and the man retained his Ability, all things went well. For I must tell ye, Ability is as it were High Constable of the Hundred of Wedlock, and keeps the peace in Matrimony. Now as the Constable is nothing without his Staff, so is Ability nothing without a good strong Truncheon. So that Matrimony is no way to be blamed, but the Dissolution of Matrimony by the woman's seeking after strange Gods, and adoring other Priapus' besides her own. Though, in strictness of reason, it may be a question whether the woman disannuled the Marriage or no, and whether the end of Wedlock ceasing, the Marriage is not vacat of itself. Which if it be true, then was the woman upon the ceasing of the former Marriage as free for one as another.  
But such is the sad age we live in, that women must be the scape-goats to bear all the sins and miscarriages of their Husbands.  
Yet I have heard of a hoary Fornicator, that had gained the reputation of a most faithful Husband, one that had clambered to the top of the pinnacle of Parish-preferment, a Common-council-mans' fellow; one that never cheated but in the integrity of his heart; one with a Saintlike look, peeked bearded, Satin caped, little banded; and when he drove a bargain, one that looked up to Heaven with his hands upon breast in such a manner, that you might have seen his Conscience in his eyes. Yet this good pious old man, upon an accidental step of his wife into the Country, suffered his Maid to steal into his wive's place; and so, as if he had found her there by chance, got her with child. 'Tis true, the good man (for generally such Saints as these have luck) had an ingenuous and dutiful Apprentice that hope him out at a dead lift, or else who knows what a Family-havock it might have produced? I leave you to imagine the afflictions, terrors, and Agonies that tormented this Senior of the Vestry, when he found the state of his condition, in the midst of which he had no friend to trust but his good Apprentice; in whom he had the more hopes, because he knew he made no great profession of Godliness, because he lay out of his house a-nights, and played many other pranks with which Satan inspires Youth. To him therefore he unfolds his misery; who most dutifully undertakes to father the child. And now the Curmudgeons stable and purse are at his command. On the other side, the young lad provides for the lying in, appears at the Christening, and brings in Tailor's bills, which are not to be questioned. Now he may go out, lie out, ramble where he pleases; for still the Apprentice was looking after the child, which though it lived not long, yet too long for the old niggards profit, two years really alive, and another half year still alive after 'twas dead, by the good management of Father Junior. How many new Gowns would this expense have bought the poor ignorant wife at home? what a passion would it have put her into, had she known it? But it happened well for Father Princock, whose Master, rigid and severe before, was now become his perfect slave.  
There was a certain Exchange-man, who had lived well with his wife for several years— You might as well have removed Penmen-Maur into Middlesex as have got him out for a quarter of an hour to drink his Mornings-draught. He canted to his Customers in Mood and Figure: Nothing more grave, nothing more solid, and every one prognosticated him a Fur-Gown and a Gold-Chain. And yet after many years thus spent in reputation, the Extinguisher of Misfortune eclipsed this flaming Christmas-Candle all upon a sudden. People stared, wondered, talked and reasoned the case; but at length all came out: Secret whoring, private gaming, threescore broad pieces lost of a night, and a thousand flams and shams, and tales of roasted horses to his wife, not one of the Comforts of Matrimony, had been the occasion of all this.  
Now where were the wives in fault, in either of these two cases? And truly I am apt to believe, were there a true Catalogue of the excesses of this Nature of both Sexes, you would find the Poll much more numerous on the men's side. And to tax the women with expense, is folly. For he's a mere doting infatuated Nicodemus, that when he finds his wife galloping away with his Estate, does not hold her in, having the reins in his own hands.   

THE Eighth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
I'll hold a good wager, 'tis no such discomfort of Marriage for a man's wife to desire the fresh air. 'Tis an ill sign on the man's side, when a woman is compelled to strain her invention to obtain of her Husband an innocent Recreation. Suppose he be at the charges of a Palfrey and a Side-saddle, 'tis no such Break-back-expence to endanger the sighing up his lungs by the roots. He that travels with his wife to show her the Country, has the same pleasure himself, to see the variety of Seats and Towns, and cannot have a better Companion than his wife when he comes to his Journeys end. 'Tis a sign the woman has a nobler soul than to intermix with a Tagrag and long-tail, when Easter and Whitsuntide let lose the toiling Rabble to devour all the rotten Currants and measly Swines-flesh about the Town in dry cakes, and slices of glorry Bacon stuffed with Goose-turds instead of sweet Herbs. Or to be wedged in with the Westward ho Trumpery, till she arrive at dirty, dusty Brainford for a Tansy of green Wheat and addle Eggs, and a game at paltry Nine-pius for digestion, and then home again, with a bundle of dead Tulips and Southern-wood to garnish her Cobwebed windows. Precious Comforts of Matrimony indeed! 'Tis natural to women to love a full enjoyment, not the sips and taste of pleasure. Give me a woman that knows what satisfaction is. 'Tis a sign of Genius and sprightliness, the sweets of Conversation. Can any man be such a Dunce as to grudge his wife a Countryhouse? 'tis for his own interest; 'tis as good as going to see his Uncle, to leave his wife on Monday-mornings', and return fresh again a Saturday-nights; and those short absences create new long and new affections, and prevent the inconveniencies of surfeiting. 'Tis good for their Children too; They draw a steady sanity from the innocent and serene air of the Country, while the corrupted smoke of the City, and the Exhalations of Brew-house-Funnels do but besoot their ●ungs for the Chimney-sweepers broom. There a woman learns industry from the Bee, innocence from the Lamb, honesty from the Cow, that pays so well for her Meat, Drink, and Lodging; the Vine instructs her true affection, and every flower teaches her every day new Lessons of chastity and contempt of vanity, when she beholds how soon a ravishing hand despoils them of their glory, and how fading all their pomp and beauty is; when they that continually harbour in the City, have nothing before their eyes, but the daily documents of vice and vanity.  
These enjoyments certainly may well be allowed a wife, when men themselves take a far larger liberty to revel with their Misses and Concubines at Epsom and Tunbridge, or North-hall wells, where Fools and their Money are soon parted. It may be the man has a mind to pray farther off; and then the Scene is laid thus. At first great signs of an afflicted spirit, many Symptoms of inward vexation, the knife passionately slapt down upon the table at dinner, rubs his forehead, and well— quoth he. What's the matter, my dear, cries the good woman, simply and harmlessly, Heaven knows. A man would forswear trusting quoth he.— There's no driving a Trad● Husband without it, quoth she.— It make me mad to look in my Debt-book, quot● he.— There's a hundred and fifty pound lies desperrte in Hampshire, two hundred pound has been owing me this three year in Devonshire; but for the hundred pound in Wiltshire, the Gentleman promised me so faithfully last Term, that I thought he would never have failed me.— Well, I se● I must take a long journey this Vacation, but what 'twill signify, Heaven knows.— Pox a this throwing good money after bad— by Jove I hate it mortally. However, quoth she, business is not to be neglected, we must not lose a Hog for a hapoth o● Tar; what must be, must be; I'll take the best care I can in your absence.— Ay, quoth he, and then kisses her, that's all the comfort I have.  
Then close in his Countinghouse for some days, till he has filled his Letter-case with Bills and Summa totalis', that you would sweat a whole Troop of Horse little enough to guard him home again.  
And now all his accoutrements being ready, up he gets betimes i'the morning puts on his Boots and Spurs; out comes the bread and butter and cold victuals, and ●is wife beholds him looking like Jason ●ing to fetch the Golden Fleece— Well ●o he, chawing one piece and cutting another, if I get but half this money, and ●ood security for the rest, I'll gi'thee the ●est Gowns, wife, that e'er thou woar'st in ●hy life. Well, Husband, I wish you good success, with all my heart, quoth she. Stay quoth he, what money had I best put 〈◊〉 my Pocket— faith I'll not take above five pound— the Devil's in't if some or other don't help me to a recruit before that's spent. But this is only a shame; for his returns are laid as they lay Post-horses, and are ordered their several stages already. The money brought and fobbed, he wipes his mouth, busses his wife, whirls down stairs, whisks up a horseback, than another kiss i'the saddle, and so God bless thee, my dear.  
Some time before he gets to Brainford, Mrs. Winifred, being got thither by Infallible appointment before, stays for him at the Red-Lyon, and seeing him come trotting along, knocks for the Drawer. Tell the Gentleman that rid in, quo she, his Company's here. By and by, ushered by the Drawer, up he comes— Lord, my dear, cries Mrs. Winifred, you have put me into such a fright! what made ye stay so lon● behind? Gad, my dear, I could not help it for my life, I met with a Gentleman a● Hammersmith Towns-end, who would no● be denied, but that I must drink a Bottle of Claret with him a Horseback. I tok● him my wife was before— 'twas all one, and I believed thou wouldst stay here— which made me the less mind it. And thus in the presence of the Drawer the Match is made up in the twinkling of an● eye. They are now man and Wife in the licking of a cat's ear: Only to confirm it, there must be a little bate, and the Mistress of the house called up to hear how pleasantly the My dears and the Sweethearts pass between the new-married couple, while the crafty slut in the midst of her cups cries out, Pray God my poor little Billy d● but continue well till we return; I am afraid my heart will ache many a dear ache for him ere I get home— Grace a God, Madam, cries the Hostess, all will be well— Ay, ay— Mistress, there's no fear on't, cries the new Bridegroom, he's with as careful a Nurse as any i'the Town— So remounting, away they cross the Road, and if possible get to Guildford that night, for the conveniency of the Inn. Whither from thence the Lord of Oxford knows— but a ramble they take, you may be sure, till money growing short, and having played over the play of a wife for a month with all the mirth and jocundry imaginable, home comes my Gentleman again, with his Purse as empty as his twopenny Purse.  
Now you are to understand, that this same hot-codpieced Monsieur had as much reason to go a dunning for this money, as he had to throw himself headlong from the top of Dover-Peer; for what money he had owing, was already secured by Bonds locked up in his Till. Only the Comforts of Whoring are such delicious temptations, so ensnaring, so alluring, that flesh and blood cannot forbear 'um. But travelling with a man's Wife is the same thing still, a Tartarian way of cumbering the road with Family-luggage, and makes every strange Inn look like his own House. He cannot kiss his Hostess, nor smuggle his Bed-maker, because his wife's with him. And yet I may be bold to say, he might have had as smirking a Dary-maid as Mrs. Winifred, near his wife's denied Countryhouse, at a far cheaper rate, take the half years' Summer-expences and all in, than his Autumnal Christmas Gambolling cost him.  
And thus you see what a strange discomfort of Matrimony 'tis for a woman to hone for a Countryhouse. But Lady's, if your Husba●●●● deny ye next year, lay these things 〈◊〉 dishes.   

THE Ninth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
HOw! Haughty and proud, and domineering? Yes, she would have been at it, but the man kept her at a bay— He took her down in her wedding-shooes. And so finding she could do no good upon him, they did as they did in the first world, lived quietly and contentedly together, for many years, and begat Sons and Daughters. These Children grew up too, and the boys are sent to the Grammar-School, and the Daughter's profit to admiration i'their yellow Samplers. But when the Gout, or Stone, or both, come to confine him to his Prayer-book, Hall's Meditations, Montague's Essays, and the great Groaning-chair in his Bedchamber, than she pays off his old scores; no fire, no candle, no plum-watergruel, no Mistress, no Maid to hold him the Chamber-pot; or if the wife do now and then give him a visit, 'tis to taunt reproach, to plague and torment hi● 〈…〉 than his diseases. The Son take 〈…〉 and the mother upholds him; his Daughters are not suffered to come at him; with a hundred suchlike vexations, and all by the Mother's contrivance. This you'll say is a very hard case; but I say, no, but rather one of the greatest Comforts that could befall him, in such a Condition. For the man being now near the end of his mortal journey, there is no better way to make him weary of his life, and out of love with the world, than by such means as these. Crosses and afflictions carry a man to Heaven oftimes, when prosperity makes him neglect the care of his Souls health. Which the woman having heard at Church, takes that provident care to put him upon those Contemplations which are most proper for his condition. She gives him the opportunity to consider that he has lived long enough in this world, when his wife and children grow weary of him. And therefore what should I be troubled, quo he, to leave these Trival Comforts, that am going to enjoy greater Felicities? Thereupon the man falls to reading; if he want a candle, to his Meditations; fits and prepares himself, makes his peace with Heaven, and so defying the world, dies like another Cato. Whereas that the woman dutiful, loving, indulgent always lamenting his departure, wring her hands, grieving, weeping, blubbering, and crying out, What shall poor I do, what shall these poor Orphans do, if God take thee away, my only joy, their only comfort in this world? And then they all fall a howling, though there be ten of 'em, like so many young puppies shut out of doors in a frosty night. These things strike so piercingly to his heart, that the Cout and the Stone are but the nips of a Flea to what he feels there; and causes such a dissipation of all his Heavenly thoughts, that the man devours all the Cawdles and Ambergrease-Possets his kind wife brings him; swallows whole ounces at a time of Syrup of Marsh-Mallows, and Oil of sweet Almonds, to prolong his Aches and his Misery; dispatches away his Billets to Church for the Prayers of the Congregation, sends for the Parson of the Parish to comfort him up with the story of Ezeckia, sends for the Doctor, and asks him— is there no cure?— have all Drugs and Herbs lost their Virtue?— Then cries the woman, For Heaven's sake, Doctor, do what ye can— I am undone if my poor Husband dies— never had woman a more kind and tender Husband— Or had Children a more careful and indulgent Father, I'm sure— Then 'tis the man's cue, Ay, wife,— indeed, thou hast been always to me a dear and loving wife, and my children, I bless God for it, have been dutiful obedient children, and I would fain live a little longer to see 'em grow up and well disposed in the world, if the Laud saw it fit. And thus these Dialogues of Lamentation do so mollify the poor man's heart, and so bewitch him with a desire of Life, that at length Death surprises him altogether unrepentant.  
On the other side, the woman that leaves her Husband alone, though men are never less alone, than when alone, gives him all the opportunity that can be to employ his thoughts in Heavenly and seasonable Meditations, allows him time to recollect and repent him of his sins; and keeping him from Apothecary's slops, gives the diseases leisure to dispatch their business without opposition. The woman has more kindness for her Husband than to see him in pain, well knowing what an impertinent and  thing Pity is: Or to let a simple Doctor run away with half a child's Portion for ridiculous Receipts, when the money may so well spared to the good of her Husbands Soul. Is it not better for a man to die quietly, taking time and solitary leisure, than to be pestered with continual visits, and to have his Family stand Lowbelling over his gasping lungs, and distracting him with their yelling and howling when he is going to sleep? Therefore, says the truly prudent and kind woman, when a man gins to grow out of date, let him be well brushed and laid up.   

THE Tenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
TO be short, Mrs Betty has been Moulding of Cockle-bread, and her Mother discovers it. However, though the Daughter have got a By-blow in her Belly, the Mother has got a fool in her eye, that shall make all whole again quickly. Well,— quoth she, and who can help what will away?— Thereupon, she gives her Daughter instructions; she takes 'em: the fool comes on, the fool's fooled; away they post to for better for worse, and so the jobs done. But— with a pox to't, here's the disaster, she has not been Married above five Months, but coming home at night, her gulled Husband finds a Leveret in his Chamber, not dreaming that some women kindle twice a year.  
Now what of all this? some men love to open their Oysters themselves; others care not for that drudgery. Force your ground, and you shall have forward Pease by the latter end of April, and treatment-Cherries against May-day. Early Fruits a rarity. And the Law's positive of his side, the Bantling's no Bastard. Some men lie fumbling five or six years together, and lose all their labour; he's admired for the fertility of his Codpiece.  
The Maids in Scotland will marry a man to choose, out of the stool of Repentance; for than they find he has been tried. 'Tis a hundred pound to a Hazelnut, he was no Maid himself when he Married her: come, come, my Masters, the sauce for the Goose, is sauce for the Gander. 'Tis a fair opportunity to send for his own from Nurse, and so let 'em go for Castor & Pollux. Was there never such a prank played i'the world before? Yes— nor won't be the last. Solamen miseris— He's a fool that counts his Chickens before they be hatched; but when he sees 'em pecking their Oatmeal. 'Tis good to be sure, says the proverb, and nothing so sure as the Louse in bosom. For my part I think 'tis extremely well as 'tis; for now having enjoyed her stolen pleasures before Marriage, she'll the less desire them afterwards. Now suppose the Child had been cleaverly conveyed out of the House i'the dark, and the wife sent after, who could have known but that his wife lay in in the Country? and there is no Law, nor no necessity that a man should begin the age of his Child from the Birth, but when he sees convenient.  
But here comes the confounded comfort of this Matrimony. For notwithstanding all these grave and solid admonitions, this same young Hairbrains of a Husband must needs be running to Doctor's Commons, with his tale of a tub; there's nothing will serve him but a Divorce, forsooth; there he proves the Milch Cow, and not his wife. For after all, they tell him, 'tis natural for the hedge-sparrow to hatch the Cuckoos eggs, and there's no Divorce to be had. However, this makes a hubbub in the world, report always spreading like the circles that Children make i'the water with their Ducks and Drakes. And thus having exposed himself to the world, through his own folly, he becomes the derision of the Neighbourhood, not by the occasion of Matrimony. Nor is the woman to be blamed for taking pepper i'the nose, to see a Nickapoop revealing the secrets of his wife to his own ignominy, and her own shame. For had the thing been kept private, and this one single slip passed by, which was a matter of fact before he could lay any claim to her, she might have proved to him the best wife i'the world. And thus men bring their misfortunes upon their own heads, because they can neither manage their business prudently themselves, nor let others do it for 'em. Like the Pedlar, that would not let his wife be turned into a Mule, because he did not like the fetting on of the Tail.  
For the Pedlar's wife, seeing her Husband had but one Mule, and hearing of an Artist that could turn a woman into a Mule by day, and change again into a woman at night; quoth she to her Husband, if I could be a Mule by day, and a woman by night, I could assist your Mule in the daytime, and you in the nighttime, and we might grow rich. Thereupon, the man was content she should send for the Artist. The Practitioner came, and was willing the Pedlar should see all things done. First, the woman was ordered to put off all her , Smock and all; then she was to posture herself upon all four like the Beggar with his Hand-pattins: after that, the Artist stroked her all over, with a certain Ointment which was to produce the hair; with another Ointment he sleeked up her Ears. All this the Pedlar liked well enough. But when he came to put on the Tail, the Pedlar would by no means endure that the Tail should be put on; but cried out, he'd have a Mule without a Tail, and so spoiled the whole design. Thus if men will be the occasion of their Misfortunes by their own wilfulness, they must t●●●k themselves, and not impute it to the ill effects of Matrimony. For I appeal to all the world, whether Matrimony could be the cause of this woman's losing her Maidenhead before she was Married? And as for the Man, if it were his fortune to marry such a one, he took her for better for worse, and so without noise or hurly-burly he must take her as he finds her.   

THE Eleventh Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
BUt what think ye of a Shrew? the best woman in nature. There's no woman like her, she's a Paragon. She makes a man both Poet and Philosopher. A Combat between an Amazon with her Ladle and Potlid, and the Knight of the Basting-ladle, is a Theme for a second Homer. And then she makes a man a Philosopher, for she exercises one of the noblest of his Virtues, his Patience. For which reason Socrates, accounted one of the wisest Philosophers of his Age, married a notorious Scold on purpose. The greatest Naturalists tell us, that Beasts are not subject to anger, because they are Beasts. Only Men and Women are subject to anger, as being the most excellent of Creatures. If then the more angry the more excellent, Scolds must be the more excellent than men, as being more angry. Men could not defend their Prince and Country, nor assail their Enemies without anger; nor women defend their peculiar Territories, Rights, and Privileges, without Scolding. By that means women fetch their Husbands from their Pot-companions at Alehouses and Taverns, burn the Cards, knock the Cribbidge-board about their ears, and ring 'em those peals which their sloth and laziness justly deserve. Were it not for storms and tempests, the Ocean itself would forget it were a Sea, and condense into dry land. Thunder clears the air, and thundering women dissipate the excesses of their Husbands. Scolds are the Imitatrix's of Nature, and supply those passions of the Middle Region which men want. So that when you call Man a Microcosm, you must take the Scolds in, or else the Structure nor the Simile is complete. Juno, the chiefest of all the Goddesses, was a perfect shrew. For which reason they sacrificed Hogs upon her Altars; a creature that makes the most abominable noise in nature. How did she persecute Jupiter with continual scolding, for his hindness to the Trojans? she not only scolded herself, but set all the Elements too a scolding at 'em; the winds roared, the skies rattled, the Sea bellowed in such a violent manner, that Virgil's hair stood an end.  Tanta ne animis Coelestibus ira? 
Can the Goddesses be such shrews so cruelly to persecute such an honest godly man as Aenaeas? What! always Sweetheart and Dear? No, Rogue and Rascal sometimes does well; and a good thwack o'the shoulders comes seasonably when a man is so drunk, that he can hardly feel it. Virgil says, Anger is the Spur of Virtue. Who then more virtuous than Scolds, the most angry of Mortals?  
A gang of Crack-ropes had got an honest simple fellow once, and made him believe that for so much money they would carry him to a place, where he should find a stone that would make him invisible: the credulous goose agrees and goes with 'em; and to be sure of the stone, picks up all the stones that were likest to what they had described, till he had laden himself so, that he was hardly able to move. As soon as he had done, his Companions call him, pretending not to see him: he makes no answer; thereupon they conclude him invisible; and going before, take such order, that none of his acquaintance should take notice of him in the street if they met him. But when he came home, his wife gave him such a rally for letting Dinner be spoiled, that he threw down his stones, and ran in great heat to call his Companions Knaves and Cheats for abusing him. And thus you see what a deliverance this man had, by his wives scolding. There never was but one Devil that came upon Earth to marry; and a Scold hunted him back to his old quarters in the Devil's name. Had it not been for a Scold, what a mixed race should we have been pestered with, half Devil, half Man, worse than we are already? Another thing is, there's seldom any deceit or sly cunning in a Scold: They are too open-hearted, they will be heard with a witness, and care not who hairs 'um. And this makes greatly for the support of Scolding, that the Poets so highly commend Proserpina for a good woman; for if Scolding were a vexation, the Devil would certainly have had a scolding wife, since we hear of no other torments missing in Hell. Where is there more scolding than at Billingsgate? and yet where more love and friendship? Those very women that you saw engaged tongues and nails but just now, you shall see the next moment bubbing together like sworn sisters.  
The Amazons were certainly very great Scolds, of all the women in the world, yet they were the only remarkable women for great achievements. There— Gorge thyself with the blood which thou hast so long thirsted for, said that Scold of an Amazon, Tomiris, when she threw Cyrus' head into a great washbowl of blood. What could any Scold have uttered more bitter and venomous? Hercules did several wonderful Actions, killed Boars and Lions; but Omphale pulled down his mettle, and made him glad to spin with her maid. Come, Sirrah, quo she, spin, or I'll knock the distaff about your shag-pate— and so he was forced to wet his thumb and go to work. Now he that will deny Omphale to be a Scold, let him prove the contrary. Nature has provided for every particular Creature a peculiar self-defence; bristles for the Hedgehog, tusks for the Boar, quills for the Porcupine, and a tongue for Women. Which they who best know how to brandish, makes the best use of nature's allowed defence. I question whether the Fishwife made that use of her tongue which she ought to have done, that suffered the Apothecary to slap her bare arse with her own Flounder. Yet so violent was the pursuit of the rest, that had he not immediately taken Sanctuary, for aught I know he might have lost a cheek.  
But now as to men, I say, a scolding wife has this peculiar virtue to exercise one of the noblest of his Virtues, his Patience. Therefore when Socrates brought home his friends to Supper with him, and they were something troubled to see his wife play the Devil with two sticks, throw the meat about the Room, and over-turn the Table, bid 'em consider that tame creatures were not always without their faults, and yet we passed them by, much less were we to take notice of the extravagant. And another grave Philosopher informs us, that we must bear with, and endure, not blame what cannot be avoided. So then a scolding wife is to be born with, and not blamed. You shall find among the Proverbial Poetry, a hundred Exhortations to suffer and patiently endure afflictions, vexations, tribulations, or by whatever other term you please to give the misfortunes of men; and our own Mothers frequently teach us, That what can't be cured must be endured, that Patience is a Virtue. And the Frenchmen tell ye, He who wants Patience has nothing. What signify all these Golden Instructions and admonitions of our fore Fathers, or how should we put them in practice; where should a husband have an opportunity to show the height and expose the quintessence of his Patience, if it were not for women's scolding? Take away Scolding, the Cause, and ye take away Patience, the Effect, presently; and so ye lose the Hog- Patience, for the hapoth o'Tar, Scolding. A man is not bound to live in a steeple among Bells for the exercise of his Ears, when he can hear a noise as loud or louder at home. Thus much for Patience.  
Now for the Antiquity of Scolding, which is a very great University-argument. Simonides that lived under Darius Hystaspis above 3000 years ago, tells us, that Jupiter made nine sorts of women, of which one sort he made out of the Sea-water. And that therefore they were sometimes calm and smooth of disposition, at other times nothing but tempest and whirlwind, there's no withstanding their fury. So wonderful and so boisterous is the storm, that the Steersman of the House is forced to quit the Helm, and commit himself to the mercy of the Hurricane. Now these must certainly be Scolds. And in juvenal's time, Scolding was grown to that height, that one single woman would be loud enough to wake the Moon out of an Eclipse.  
But what will you say if we prove Scolding to be a part of Love itself? and that we shall do from the comparisons appertaining to Love. For Love is compared to flames and fire, which you see how they rage sometimes, yet embrace every thing that they devour. What can be more like such a conflagration than Scolding? Like your vixen Schoolmasters, that when they are thrashing a boy's buttocks, still cry, Corrigo te, non quod odi te, sed quod amem te.  
Then again Love is compared to a Lightning, which is nothing but the brushing of the two Thunder-clouds together, and striking fire at the same time. Like which Lightnings are the glitterings and sparklings of a Scolds eyes, to show that the thunder of her anger is not without the Emblems of affection in the seats of Love.  
By way of Application then; since there is no man that can be perfectly happy in this life, but that he must meet with rubs and jumps in the Bowling-green of this world, and that nothing more shows a man to be a true Philosopher than patience, which he can never exercise unless he meet with an opportunity; there can no real discontent arise from the occasion that gives him that opportunity to show himself both a Man and a Philosopher. 'Tis Heroical to suffer, and Heroical Actions always breed an inward pleasure and satisfaction. And therefore he that dies Matrimonies Martyr, has no reason to blame his wife that is the occasion of such a noble Inscription upon his Monument. And therefore the Yorkshire Knight did ill, that pulled out his Lady's teeth to keep her from Scolding. For how could she keep her Tongue between her Teeth, when he had torn up the fence?   

THE Twelfth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
I Agree w'ye,— 'tis the general complaint, men do not love to be Cuckolds. But yet I fear me, these complaints smell too much of partiality. For there's not one man in five thousand that cares to be confined himself. Why then should that be a trouble to a man, that always was, still is, and ever will be? 'Tis sufficient that a man be a Roman Catholic in his opinion concerning his wife, and pin his faith upon her sleeve. A woman that never lay with any other man but her own Husband in her life, might set up for one of the greatest Doctresses about the Town. For you shall find a story in Herodotus, that Phero, perhaps Pharaoh, the Son of Sesostris, was struck blind, and so continued for ten years. The next year he sent to consult the Oracle, by which he was answered, That if he washed his eyes with a woman's water that had never known any man but her own Husband, he should recover his sight. You may be sure a Prince would spare for no cost, nor no search in such a condition. However, he tried his own wife first; but alas! her water would do no feats. How many several women's waters he tried afterwards, Heaven knows, but the number was infinite. At length, when he was almost in despair, he met with one woman's water that did his work. Being cured, and well, he caused all the women whose waters he had experimented in vain, to be brought together, and thrust into one great City (by which you may guests there was a swinging company of 'em) and there burnt them all together, City and all; and then took the woman that had cured him to wife.  
What then is universal, can never be a true cause of discontent, since 'tis one man's fortune as well as another's. And for the women, they are not to be blamed, because their Husbands lead 'em the way. And from whom should women sooner learn their instructions, than from their Husbands? Therefore said the Gentlewoman to the Parson that called her Baggage, and better fed than taught, 'twas very true, because he taught her, and her Husband fed her. For they must still walk by their Husband's rule.  
Neither is there any invention of man, no Law, as the Rump-Parliament tried to little purpose; no Stratagem of Male-wit that can obviate the subtleties and devices of women in the business of Cuckoldry. Who would think that any devil of a woman should have it so ready? For mark how it fell out; no sooner was the good man gone out betimes in the morning to work, but his wife admits her private friend into his warm place. The Husband, it being an unthought-of Holiday, returns much sooner than he was expected, or his company desired. The woman hearing him knock at the door, puts her friend under an old Copper-Furnace in the washhouse. As soon as the man came in, Wife, says he, I have considered that we have no use of that Copper-Furnace in the washhouse, and so I have sold it, and here's the man come to fetch it away. And how much have ye sold it for? quoth she. So much, quoth he. By my faith, then quoth she, you might have brought your friend before, for I have just now sold it to another for half as much more: And the man's now under it, to see what holes there are in it, that they may be mended. And so heaving up the Furnace, the man came out, paid down his money, and had his bargain. Where could the man suspect the least harm in all this? And yet you see there was harm, though not to be discovered by any but a Conjurer. What could the Father say to his Son in Law, when he complained of a discovery he had made of his wife? The Father desired the Mother to take her Daughter in private, and give her a juniper-Lecture. She does so, and the Father and Son resolve to overhear her. Fie— quo the Mother, do such a thing, and suffer yourself to be discovered at your years! Where was your wit? where were your brains? I have been married to your Father these twenty years and upwards, and have had many a private Friend in a comer, and yet thy Father can't say, black's my eye. I say, what could the Father say, when he heard this, but advise his Son to secrecy and discretion? Or what could the Son do but take his wife again, and double his guards?  
I would fain know what man cares to be out of the Fashion? or what reason a man has to be discontented at the Fashion. If it be the fashion to be a Cuckold, why should that grieve and torment his mind? Rather let him consider whether it be not a custom, or rather a Law so made by a long Prescription of near four thousand years; and then comfort himself up in this, that he has the same liberty.  
Revenge they say is sweeter than Manna of Calabria. But if there be no occasion of revenge, how shall a man enjoy the Sweets of that Pleasure? Therefore it fell out well for that man, that he was a Cuckold, who understanding his Neighbour had made him so, ordered his Wife to send for his Neighbour, and lock him up in a Chest in her Chamber. And then sending for his neighbour's wife, and telling her the whole story, gave her a nooning over her husband's head upon the same Chest where he lay fast under lock and key. For now they stood upon equal terms.  
Sometimes it may happen that a man low i'the world may gain by the bargain. Like the Foot-Souldier i'the Trainbands, who having got leave of his Captain to dispense with him from the Guard, was got home, and going to bed about one a Clock i'the morning. His doublet was off, and his breeches thrown upon the bed: But his wife was so ill of a sudden, so mortally sick, that unless she had a Cordial presently, there was nothing but present death. The fellow, compassionating his wife, snatches up his breeches again, puts on his doublet, and knocks up the next Apothecary for a Cordial. What Cordial? Any Cordial, that exceeded not ninepences; for he had but a shilling, and threepences he must have to spend next morning upon the Guard. But when he came to dive for his ninepences, his fingers in one pocket were up to the knuckles in Gold; which encouraging him to feel further, he found a Gold-Watch in a by-fob, and a convenient quantity of Tower-coyned Silver-Medals in another pocket. The fellow wondered at the strange multiplication of his single shilling but said nothing, took his Cordial, and returned home to his expiring wife. In the mean time the Gentleman was gone with his leathern Breeches and the single shilling to bear his Charges through the Watch, and glad he scaped so. And thus you see, if it hit well, there's content a both sides; if otherwise, a man must take it as it falls. But yet for all this, I am apt to believe the world is not come to that pass yet, but that the men are far more in fault than the women. 'Twere impossible else, that there should be so much work for the Surgeons and Pintle-smiths about this Town. 'Tis impossible that there should be such swarms of Charlatans' and Knights of the Syringe in every corner of the City. Not a Gate or spare wall but what is plastered over like a Country-Ale-house, with No cure no money: A hundred Infallible Cures, and a thousand more defiances of Mortality, enough to astonish death itself, as if he were upon his last legs, and that Men had wrested his Scithe out of his sinewless clutches. You cannot walk the streets without having three or four Schedules in a day of humane Infirmities popped into your hands. So that now if a man can't live by the Tap or the Syringe, 'tis time for him to go a Buckaneering to Jamaica.  
Whence this Encouragement? Faith, neither better nor worse; women are not so bad as men would make 'em, and therefore the old trade of whoring still flourishes. In short therefore, since there is no man that wears a Bull's feather who is not as apt to give it, let him never think that a discomfort to himself, which he dreams no vexation to another.   

THE Thirteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
IS she so? Why, what's the matter? Why, the woman's a mere Tiger for jealousy. And what can be more irksome to a man, than to live under the yoke of Tyrannical suspicion? His go out and come in are dogged and traced like a Hare i'the snow. Where ha' you been to day? What, you ha' been to visit the Tailor's wife, I see by your hang-dog countenance— But I shall pull the eyes of her out at one time or other. I hear of your pranks, I do; but I'll spoil your swan-hopping i'faith. And when he comes to pay his nocturnal Tribute— No, no, get ye gone where you have been all this day— I'll ha' none o'your Gilflurts leave— And this is a great inconveniency of Matrimony that gives him no rest. But such men consider not, that your jealous women are the only kind wives in the world. 'Tis not out of anger that they chime so loud i'their husbands ears, nor out of disrespect or neglect of Duty that they tell him his own, but out of pure love and affection. The woman would ne'er have been at the price of a halter to hang her husband that was to be executed, and carried it the Sheriff herself, but that she was jealous lest her Husband should escape the punishment of his sin. Where jealousy is absent, there can be no real Love. Jealousy is the Conditement that preserves Love, as Sugar preserves Pears and Plums. 'Tis the Dog and Bell that keeps blind Love i'the right way. Jealousy is the Argos that watches the unruly and wand'ring footsteps of scaperloytring Lechery. And therefore men are discontented, & murmur at the jealousy of their wives, as little children hate the Chirurgeon that cures 'em of a Fistula i'their Tails, because he hurts 'um. The first Condescensions of women are but the beginning of Love, but Jealousy completes and perfets their affection. For unless a woman loved her husband, why should she be angry that another should enjoy him? 'Tis a sign she's ambitious of her husband's Affection, when she envies all others that she thinks have any share with her; and a demonstration that she preserves her chaste embraces entirely for her Husband. A loving Mother is always brooding in her thoughts over her absent Infant, and still suspicious of the miscarriages of a neglectful Nurse. In like manner, what can be more kind and obliging, than a wife that keeps a continual watch and guard over the safety and preservation of her Husband, well knowing how many traps and baits that Harlot Pleasure lays up and down in every corner for Mouse-like men, that are ready to snap at the toasted cheese of every lose and vain affection. The Surgeon that boasted that he had Nuts of Priapus' enough (the spoils of venereal Combats) to button a Leaguer-Cloak, gives a woman sufficient warning to be careful of her husband's ware. It shows a woman has a true value for herself, when she scorns to be outrivalled. These Maxims the Town-Misses are not ignorant of, and therefore count themselves then best beloved, and are best satisfied, when their Paramours brook no Copartnership in their Chamber-Practice. In them jealousy is applauded by their wanton Admirers; and why not in a Wife, whose care is much more tender and cordial? Thus a jealous wife takes care of the main Chance; and a Man has the same reason to be offended at a jealous wife, as at an honest servant, who takes care to keep himself sober, when he finds his Master resolved to be drunk.   

THE Fourteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
AY— that's fine music for a Husband indeed— for his wife to lie hickupping a bed, as if she were engaging her stomach to give her Husband a Pillowposset. He is then in a bodily fear in truth, when he finds her breath inflamed with Brandy, and is afraid every moment of being burnt in his bed. For I have heard of a woman that has set herself on fire, and been burnt to death with swallowing a Snapdragon. And yet in such a wife there is both pleasure and content. For they say, that women are generally most kind in their cups; and kindness in a wife is one of the chiefest things which the Husband expects from Matrimony.  
Lovers are pleased to see Babies in their Mistress' eyes; but when his wife becomes all Looking-glass, where can he more delight to behold his own failings? which if they be failings, he has the advantage thereby to dress and reform his own ill manners first, and then hers afterwards. What greater pleasure can a man have, than to fuddle with his own wife? or what greater kindness can she show him, then to sit foot to foot with him at the Tavern? 'Tis like drinking on a Sunday in Sermon-time with the Churchwarden and Constable of the Parish in company. Or if a man have a mind to be rid of his wife, let him not suffer her to disgrace him, by the retail way of only a quartern at a time from the Stillers' shop, but let him extend his kindness, like the Tailor i'the Strand; let her ross off her Noggins by wholesale; let the Brandy-Firkin stand by her bedside.  
Now that women have as much right to drink Wine, as well as men, is plainly demonstrable from this, That the Poet assures us, that Bacchus was both Female as well as Male, and performed the greatest part of his Conquests by the assistance of women; of which Sex the chiefest part of his Armies consisted. His Nurses too, the Pleyades, were notable Topers, you may be sure; for they spill their Liquor to this day, and are the certain foretunners of rain and fowl weather when they rise in an ill humour. Then, who were to be trusted with the Religious rites and worship ascribed to this carousing Deity, but women? And whether they were not notable Bowsers, you may easily guests by their Horseplay Ceremonies. But now, Heavens bless us! what a crime is it for a woman to drink a glass of wine!  
But let us consider, I beseech ye, one thing more. There's an old Proverb, In vino veritas, the Cup never lies. Whence we infer, that Fuddle-coyf wives always speak truth. I promise ye then, I think that man has no reason to be discontented, that has such a precious Jewel; for you know, that all other women are not to be believed although they be dead.  
Oh! but you'll say, Fuddling women are apt to miscarry i'their drink. To which I answer, that though I might tell ye, more women miscarry when they are sober than when they are Tipsy, yet I will only blame the Husband for that, who ought to take the more care of her, knowing her disposition. 'Tis a thing that looks ill in men, not to take care of their friends in their drink, but suffer 'em to reel home i'the dark, and moil themselves in the kennel; and therefore to neglect women, the weaker vessels, when they have been a little over-indulgent to nature, is a Soloecism in a Husband that justly deserves the dreaded punishment of his carelessness. For her Husband cannot blame her for falling then, when her tottering condition is such, that without bolstering, 'tis impossible she should stand. 'Tis a question whether the venerable Delphian Prophetess did not always take a hearty cup before she went to consult the Oracle. For you see their Answers were generally such insolent riddles, that the Devil himself could hardly pick out their meaning. And for the Sibyl that carried Aeneas to Hell, you may find in what a pickle she made herself before she durst adventure the Voyage. When the Trojan Women burnt Aeneas' Navy, the story tells ye, they were all fuddled (for the mischief was contrived over a damned Gossipping) yet we do not perceive that the Trojans loved their wives e'er a jot the worse for their frolic. Nay, women are so cleanly in their drinking, that many times they strain the Wine through their Smocks; when men, like slovens as they are, drink up dregs and all.  
Let men consider their own extravagancies; their flinging the Glasses over their shoulders, their burning their Coats, Hats and Periwigs; then their running to Baudihouses, mad as March-hares, their Scouring, as they call it, and breaking people's windows, their quarrels with the Watch, their disturbing the Counter-turn-keys, who are forced to rise in the cold, that their Ratships may not lie i'the street. I say, let men consider these things, and then tell me why it should be such a heart-hreaking discomfort of Matrimony to see their wives tipsy, when they take so much delight in it themselves. For women, whose nature it is to be inquisitive, observing their Husband to take such an extraordinary delight in trolling the Bowl, are no way to be blamed for their aspiring to partake of the same felicity. But lastly, another great comfort that same husband enjoys, who has a good Companion to his wife. For as wine debilitates both the one and the other; so he has the more rest and quiet in his bed, and is not duned so oft for due benevolence, but that he may easily afford it.   

THE Fifteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
OH! But the man does not love hairs in his porridge. And yet sluts are generally very kind. For when the Soldiers in Scotland wanted Onion-sawce for their Wild-Ducks, the woman of the House, to supply their wants, was contented freely to part with the only Clove of Garlic she had in the world, which her child for several days had eat and shit out again to cure the Worms. I must tell ye, a sluttish wife enures a man to the inconveniencies of War, where a man does not always meet with clean sheets or Sun-Tavern Cooks. Sow's are the most nasty creatures in the world, and yet none more profitable or better Flesh. Perfumes are offensive to many diseases which Assa foetida cures. And how frequently do we find that men forsake their wives Sweet-bags, to have a touch with their greasy Cook-maids? If the woman be a slut, yet the man has this comfort, that she's fair, or else the Proverb's a confounded liar. Now there are certain creatures that having more potent enemies than themselves, roll themselves over head and ears i'the mud, to escape the danger that hangs over their heads. And thus sluttish wives conscious of their Beauty roll themselves over head and ears in dirt, to avoid the pursuit of wanton solicitations, to the great advantage and comfort of their husbands. Cleanliness is but a new Invention; Sluttery was the mode of the Grandmothers of our great great Grandmothers, when Romulus' wife wore a flannel Smock a whole twelve month together, and Aeneas wiped his fingers upon his Doublet instead of a Napkin. Sluttery is an Emblem of the simplicity of the old World, before Pomp and Luxury came in fashion. She that never sweeps the Cobwebs from her windows has always an example and pattern of diligence before her eyes; and then she has another good quality, that she keeps her Husband out of the Mercer's and Lacemen's Books: and then her Victuals too cost little; for a T— d's as good for a Sow as a Pancake. Why should a man find fault with a slut, when Venus her  was born out of the scum of the Sea?  
But then for her Virtues, a Slut is a woman of Constancy. She ever was, and is, and what she is ever will be, a slut. Without any alteration or change of Humour, according to the usual Levity and Inconstancy of her Sex.  
In the next place, it shows contempt of the folly and vanity of the world, which is one round in her Ladder to Heaven.  
Now as for the man himself, this is certain, that a slut can only offend his nose and his eyes. Now what man would be so extremely indulgent to his nose or his eyes, to discompose the whole frame of Nature's Habitation for a Hogo in his Pork, or boiling his Pudding in his foul Nightcap? I have known it rain buttered Pease at a man's House, merely because his wife brought him an Alchemy spoon only smeared with a little Candle-grease. Yet who would not rather choose to feed on a good joint of Mutton, though it fortuned that the Dishclout boiled jig by jowl with it all the while, than a dish of Frogs-legs, or fried Mice, though never so artificially cooked a-la-mode de France? Or who had not rather see his wives nasty Comb in the window, than the slap-dawdries of paint and Fucus?  
So that men are to weigh the good with the bad; some men's meats are other men's poisons. What some men nauseate, is grateful to other men's stomaches: we are not to hate Cows, because Cheese is made of their Milk: and as a learned Divine once said, the pleasures of a Hog are not the pleasures of an Angel. And therefore in short, men are to take their lots, and either be Fools or Philosophers. For as all Arguments in these Cases are uncertain, so must be the Conclusions.   

THE Sixteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony.  
BUt forsooth, a man has a fine Estate, and a fine wife, and a fine portion; and this wife has a fine wit, fine conditions, and fine caresses,— but— the Devil's i'these Butts,— they come in so confoundedly at the butt-end of a commendation, that they spoil all.— For this fine woman is so addicted to Lantraloo, and Back-gammon, that she makes a perfect Speirings Ordinary of her House. No sooner is the cloth taken away, but another clean cloth must be spread, and then out come the Cards or the Tables; and there she sits from after dinner, till one, two, three, four a clock i'the morning, day after day, night after night, consuming and wasting her fine Portion, till she gins to pray upon the main stock. And this is a perilous grievance, a comfort of Matrimony in the name of Satan. All this while the men don't consider what a happiness they have in enjoying such a wife. One cries, I think my wife will play away her A—, and what of that? Then there's the thing gone, which is many times the cause of all his fears, jealousies, and disturbances. How many men are there, that curse their wives tails? which if the women have a faculty to play away, there's a fair riddance of the men's discontent. But I must tell ye, the fear of a wives playing away her tail, is an idle thing. 'Tis true, she may be forced to stake it sometimes; but then, though she should fortune to lose, yet she wins by the bargain. But on the t'other side, how many men are there, that will lose their own Arses, and let a woman drain their Pockets as dry as a clean-swept East-India ship, for the favour of a little smugling, or the commodiousness of access to their snowy white breasts? And then again, a man does not consider, that a woman addicted to gaming, minds no other pleasure; she sits squeezing her thighs and her buttocks, and will hardly stir from her chair to piss, much less to mind any other Fegaries. A man may conclude his wife safe, when she is once got to her Cards. And it is a happiness that one game spoils another. The Lydians were a notable people, and these notable people the Lydians were the first that invented Cards and Dice. And the reason was, to keep their wives from other sports, which they thought more to their prejudice. For after Candaules the King of the Country had put the Lydian women agog, by showing his wife stark naked to his friend Gyges, they were all mad, and bawled at their Husbands that they might be shown naked too; every one believing herself to be as handsome as the Queen. Ay,— quoth the men, we'll find ye other divertisement; and so setting 'em to Cards and Dice, laid their animosities presently asleep. The love of gaming, where it once gets the victory, has such an attractive force, that there is no charm of power sufficient to control it. It keeps women even from Playhouses, the Nurseries of Hoity toyty Imaginations; it keeps 'em from Lectures, and polluting the Church with unfanctifyed thoughts. Nay, the very consolation of having Tib and Tom in her hand, shall cause her to contemn the disappointment of the most solemnly-engaged assignation that ever woman made; while the impatient lover makes many a weary step in the Templerounds, vainly expecting her that is as fast at buying stocks, as the Knights of Jerusalem i'their Graves.  
On the other side, if the wife be so happy as to make Fortune her friend, and some are so beholding to the slippery Jade, that you would swear she went snips, than it reins Guineas in that house. The pot boils upon the score of Lantraloo-luck; Teal, Widgeons, and fat Capons are the Trophies of victorious Gleek; the Triumphs of Back-gammon excuse the charges of the Fringed Petticoat; and many times the man too has his share in the taking present of a Point-Cravat.  
Many are the blessings that attend the owner of a she-Gamester. She is always quiet, never out of humour. She is always patiented, always contented; never lours, never scolds, never pouts; for her heart rides at anchor in the Serene harbour of inward ease and joy.  
Is she at play? never disturb her— she's then moving in the proper Sphere of her own delight. The Dolphin that had such a love for a Child, that he came every morning to the shore, and carried him over an arm of the Sea to School with his breakfast in his hand, could never have been so serviceable to the Lad, had he been taken out of his own Element. When a woman is peaceable and quiet, and well, 'tis a madness to disturb her. Wasps never sting, but when they are unwarily provoked. A game can never be well managed without prudence, foresight, circumspection, and policy. Seeing then that a woman who is a good Gamester cannot be without all these good Qualities, it is a certain sign, that he who has a good Gamester to his wife, has a woman so qualified. And who can think it a discomfort to him to have a woman polished with so many rare endowments? By playing the King, they learn to govern; by playing the Queen, they learn to obey; by playing Tib and Tom, they understand the inconveniency of putting too much power into the hands of Servants. And stories furnish us with several examples of great Generals that have practised the Game at Chess, merely to instruct themselves in the Art of War, in Stratagem and Surprise, and the methods of Embattelling, and encountering the Enemy. But suppose she loses all she plays for: Then she cannot be thought to have all these good qualities before mentioned. What then? yet she is still bidding fairly for 'em, still upon the purchase of 'em; so that if she miss of her aim, 'tis the unkindness of Fortune, not her fault. And bought wit is always said to be the best.  
And now how would you have 'em spend their time? you'd have 'em spin I warrant— Yes— and sit wetting their thumbs, till they grow as lean with exhausting their radical moisture, as one of the three fatal Sisters. A fine posture indeed! to sit all day long as if they were twisting the thread of their Husband's life.  
You'd have her mind the Brat i'the Cradle; as if it were not far more noble and gentile to turn up a good jolly Trump, than a bawling Bastards shitten, stinking tail.  
Nor is the loss so great neither, for what a woman loses in gaming, she saves in houshold-expences; in Coaches, Spring-Gardens, and Plays; in Balls and night-Rambles; so that none may be better termed a Housewife than she, as being always at home, receiving visits, seldom making any: for where the Carcase is, there the Eagles gather together. A man is not crucified with the tormenting thoughts, where or with whom his wife should be at this or that unseasonoble time of the night. A terrible affliction to those that continually dream of cornuting.  
Suppose she lose her  from her back. Then her Husband is sure to find her a bed, till she get a recruit.  
No question but it is a great vexation to a woman to lose, and a great toil to be always labouring for a dead Horse. However, it is much more convenient that she should fret herself, than vex her Husband.  
The Parson that loved gaming better than his eyes, made a good use of it, when he put up his Cards in his Gown-sleeve for haste, when the Clerk came and told him the last Stave was a singing. 'Tis true, that in the height of his reproving the Parish for their neglect of holy Duties, upon the throwing out of his zealous arm, his Cards dropped out of his sleeve, and flew about the Church. What then? He bid one boy take up a Card, and asked him what it was— the boy answered, the King of Clubs. Then he bid another boy take up another Card. What was that? the Knave of Spades. Well, quo he, now tell me who made ye? The boy could not well tell. Quo he to the next, Who redeemed ye? That was a harder question. Look ye, quo the Parson, you think this was an Accident, and laugh at it; but I did it on purpose, to show ye, that had ye taught your children their Catechism as well as to know their Cards, they would have been better provided to answer the material Questions which I put to them.  
And thus men may profit by their wife's gaming; and raise many wholesome instructions to themselves from their lose. As first, if they knew as well what belonged to Cuckolding their Husbands as they did to play at Cards, they would never prefer the misfortune of losing their money, before the pleasure of gaming with a friend in a corner. Secondly, that it was better for their wives to sit losing their Money at home, than their Reputation abroad. And thirdly, it ought to be a great satisfaction to 'em to see which way their money goes. For that's the great Plague to a Man, when he finds his Money run away like Quicksilver, but knows not which way the devil it goes. But she that games away her money, frees him from that tribulation of beating his brains with an impossible enquiry. And I must tell ye, a man had better that his wife should game away twenty, than sport away five pound.  
But, Gentlemen, consider how you shake your elbows yourselves, how you make the dead men's bones rattle; you never consider how you fret, and tear and swear, and swagger and storm, and dam and sink, and curse and by't the Dice, and gnaw the Boxes. And then at length when the Devil deserts him at the last throw, then to see rage and despair ding the poor innocent box against the floor, as if he designed it through the cloven earth at Lucifer's own head, these are extravagancies never thought of. What a sad and miserable surprise it is to be taken by a Creditor with a Sergeant at his heels, in the height of Security, at hei a Main, have at all, while the poor wife and barn at home live only upon trust with the Milk-woman!  
What a pretty kind of Emulation it was between two young Sparks coming losers out of a Gaming-Ordinary! Quo the one complaining to his friend— G— damn me— I ha' lost forty Guineas— G— damn you— Quo the tother— G— damn me— I ha' lost above fourscore— Don't you think now, his friend was to blame if he contested with him for priority?  
What a pleasant comfort of Matrimony it would be to a wife, to see her Husband undressed by the Dice, as if he were to go to bed to his Misfortune! The white Beaver leads the Van, then follows the Periwig, next in order the Cravat, than the Ruffles and Buttons thereto belonging. The Coat cannot forsake his Brethren; and the Breeches hone after the Coat, as being of the same Cloth. And what now? There stands stripped Peel-garlick having nothing but his shirt and his fiery Passion to keep him warm: only there is this small comfort left him, that he cannot play away his Title of Squire; that sticks to him as long as the least scrap of his Father's Thrift remains. For it comes to that at length, that all must go, even the wife's Jointure and all. So the willing Soul at length, overcome with endearment and Caresses, is carried like a Lamb to the slaughter to Serjeants-Inn, where after she has given a willing answer to the whispering Judge, she may then go hang herself in her own Garters. For this is the Finalis Concordia between the Gentleman-Squire and his Patrimony. Therefore take him— Kings-Bench, to the ruin of Wife, Children, and Posterity, that cries, my Grandfather was a man of Five hundred a year if he could have kept it. Compare now the little Lose of a wife, and the Patrimony-havocks and extirpations root and branch of their Estates which men make, by the lewdest, wickedest, and most impious methods in the world; and see who has most reason to complain of Matrimony.   

THE CONCLUSION.  
BUt it will be easy to remove all the Arguments which are brought against the Female Sex to prove the discomforts of Marriage, if we can but prove that Women ought to govern the State, and not Men. For then they are to look upon what ever is imposed by woman, as the effects of their just Dominion, and not lie grumbling as they do against the effects of their own ill Conduct. And indeed, it may be well wondered, that all our Knight-Errants of Philosophy, who have assaulted and pulled down the whole frame of Nature, and rebuilt it according to their own chimerical whimsies, not sparing the very Heavens, but either tumbling down or dislocating its Orbs; never contenting themselves with usual and common remedies, but running in quest after odd and airy notions; this same Sympat hetical, and t'other Universal Conundrum; among all the rest of their Extravagancies have forgot to transfer the Power of Governing the World from Men, that have held it in their hands by violence and Usurpation for so many thousand years, into the hands of women; since a Sceptre is not more heavy than a Distaff, and a Cap of State very near as soon made and embellished as the gayest of Female Head-attire. Was it, for that they, knowing such a superiority too cruel and insupportable at home, thought it in conscience too dangerous to recommend it to the public? Or whether was it, that they found the croaking of those Night-ravens wrought more upon great persons than the sound of the Trumpet, and therefore thought they already possessed the Supreme Power invisibly, yet in reality, and for that reason needed not any alterations? Or whether it were, that (according to their manner) they considered this as a business not concerning Life, and therefore neglected it as unnecessary? However it came to pass, certain it is, that they who have employed their Brown Studies in the transformation of Commonwealths, and made them such, that if men were good Angels they could not live in them, or if they were Devils, might possibly be forced into peace; there is not one of them but has forgot to set down this most excellent and necessary Piece of Reformation.  
And therefore I affirm, That Government and Dominion in Women is not only lawful and tolerable in women, but also justly, naturally, and properly their Right. First, though some crazy Philosophers, drunk with vain Aristotelism, have endeavoured to debase them from the same Species with men; and others far more mad and inconsiderate than they, to deny them souls. Yet when we shall to this oppose the Scripture itself, which makes Man the Consummation of the Creation, and woman the Consummation of man; if we should cite those high Attributes which the Rabbis give them, or instance those particular Indulgences of Nature which Agrippa ascribes to them, or those peculiar advantages of Composition and Understanding which the learned Portugal Zacutius makes them to inherit: Or should we bring in Trismegistus, reputed the most ancient and most Divine among the Heathen Writers, who calls women the Fountains and Perfections of Goodness: or should we add to all this, that which stops the Mouth of Barbarism itself, that is to say, the high Estimation put upon them even by the Mahometan, who in them place the greatest pleasures of their Paradise; it must needs be acknowledged, that these muddy Philosophers only spoke the sense of feeble and decrepit Age, and that consequently their Philosophy was as feeble and stupid as their limber and useless Limbs.  
And indeed, this is a Quarrel wherein Nature hath seemed to have declared herself an Interested Party, so that we need to go no farther than the judgement of our eyes, the quickest and the surest that a man can make to decide the Controversy. For whom can we imagine to be so insensible, as not to be presently touched with the delicate composure and symmetry of their bodies, the sweetness and kill Languor of their Eyes, the intermixture and harmony of their Colours, the happinesses and spirituality of their Countenances, the charms and allurements of their Mien, the air and command of their Smiles: so that it is no wonder that Plato should say, That Souls were unwilling to departed out of such fair Bodies. Whereas men are merely rough-cast, bristly and brawny, and made up as it were of tough Materials; and if they approach any thing near beauty, they may be said by so much the more to degenerate from what they are.  
And from hence we gained our main inference. For if the Majesty and Comeliness of a Governor gain so much awe upon the People, as Politicians have observed, and experience teaches us that it does: What advantage have they in magically charming and winning of the People given them by Nature, which the other cannot aspire to by Art! For who would not be sooner smitten with Tresses curiously curled and dangling, and built up by a ravishing Architecture, than with bushy discomposed Locks, though powdered with Gold? Who would not adore a face glowing with all kind of attractions, rather than a Countenance savage with Bristles, and indented with Scars?  
This is a certainty that needs so little Demonstration, that if you look but into any story, you shall find even the greatest Conquerors, lusty and proud in their Conquests, humbled and brought upon their knees by the fair Enchantments of Women. This we account Admirable in Alexander and Scipio that they could avoid; in Caesar and Mark Anthony we pardon, in respect of the greatness of their other Actions. And therefore if the greatest Captains and Soldiers, founders of Empires, be of a higher and more exalted Nature than others of lower and meaner capacities, yet such as have been always commanded by women, who have made them decline in their very Meridian's; may we not thence conclude, that Nature has given them a priority, which they enjoy in effect, though not in outward appearance?  
'Tis to be supposed, that no man thinks Solomon to be other than once of the wisest of men, and yet it is well known how these white Devils seduced him. Augusius, who may truly be said to have been one of the steadiest men in the world, one that in his youth out-witted all the Craft of the Hoary Senate, was all his life-time led by one Livia, who had that predominancy over him, that he by her means disposed of the Succession of the Empire to a Son of her womb by another Husband.  
But to make this yet more plain, we say that Age begets Wisdom. Now how general the affection of old men is to women, needs no proof, especially the older they grow, some of threescore marrying Virgins of sixteen; and therefore it is a clear Argument of the truth of this point, and of the Wisdom of those reverend Seniors that choose such Assistants for the Government of their declining years.  
Besides, as certainly there wants not its reason in Philosophy, that all Virtues belong to the Sex we plead for; so may we also in the perusal of History find as many fair and illustrious examples of Virtue given by women, as there has been by men. Look but over the Roll of them, and you may easily from thence produce a sufficient stock of Precedents, where many things inserted as done by men perhaps are either brutish, heady, and intemperate, while in the women things appear more smooth and temperate. Or if there be any thing of passion or exorbitancy, it is but an addition of Lustre to their Sex, as a blush or glowing in the face sets off their beauty.  
Now if it be necessary that Governors should be of good entertainment, affable, courteous, open of countenance; and such as seem to harbour no crcoked or deep design; no men can be so fit for Government as women are. For besides their natural sweetness and innocency, their talk is generally directed to such things, as it may be easily-infer'tl, that their heads are not troubled about making destructive Wars, enlarging Empires, or founding of Tyrannies. So that if we consider what has been said, and that even those most excellent Qualities which are to be most desired and wished for in a Governor, are inherent to them, we shall clearly gain the point which we aim at. What greater happiness, than to have a Governor that is religious? Now all Philosophy and Experience teach us, that the softest minds are most capable of these Impressions, and that women are for the most part most violently hurried away by such Agitations to which men are subject. How few men-Prophets do Histories afford us in comparison to Prophetesses! Witness the Sibyls and the female mouths of the chiefest Oracles of the Heathens. And even at this day, who such absolute followers of the Priests as the women are? If you wish them merciful, these are the tenderest things upon the face of the earth. They have tears at command; and if tears be the effect of Pity and Compassion, and Pity and Compassion be the Mother of Virtue, we are obliged to think, that mercy rules most in them, and it is to be soon expected from them. If you desire affection to their Country, where may you more luckily find it? Have not the women many times cut off their hair to make ropes for Engines, and strings for bows? have they not surrendered up all their Rings and Jewels to defray charges? Have they not been content to perish with their Husbands in their Habitations? and what greater love of Native Country can be shown? Famous was the Valour of the women of Haerlem in Holland when besieged by the King of Spain, while they outdid the men in Martial deeds, and vied with their manly fortitude in sufferance of Labour in repairing and defending the Walls of their City. As memorable was that of the women of Amsterdam, when it was besieged by the Prince of Orange, who by agreement among themselves, by their own Industry advanced a great Culverin upon one of the highest places in the City, and thence continually discharged it with great execution upon the Enemy. And how far might women improve this Honour to themselves, while they look upon themselves as the Mothers of their Country? What tenderness would not such a woman have toward her Children the People? Especially when we see private women show such extraordinary effects of it, that it approaches sometimes to dotage or madness. Or would you have affection to the people at home? No effect-so violent as that of women. Murders, Banishments, Proditions, have been but small matters thence arising; and what Tragical effects their despair has wrought, Poets and Romances abundantly testify.  
Thus were this noble Sex restored to that right which Nature has bestowed upon it, we should have all quiet and serene in Commonwealths. Courts would not be busied with Factions and undermine, but all would flow into pleasure and liberty. Instead of raising Armies, and the continual noise of Drums i'the street, we should be preparing for Masks, and instead of depressing Factions, we should be all for Balls and Amorous Appointments. So that men might follow their Handicrafis; Oxen might plough, and Miller's Horses lead about the Wheel, while all this Labour and Toil served only for the furtherance and ease of the Court  
Nor should we then have any Wars or Massacres, which so many argued have against, and against which the people so hearty pray. For women being of tender constitutions, and for the most part sedentary in their lives, would not engage in such rough employments, proper only for man, who is but the best and most exalted sort of Savage, over whom the women have also this privilege, that they can bring forth the greatest Conquerors, but Man can only destroy them. Neither for several Emergencies have they wanted their active Valour, whereof they want not their several instances. Nay, some-Nations have attained to this perfection of Female-Government, as the Amazons of old: and and it may be well believed, that were it not for the Usurpation of men at this day, we might have seen something modern very like them; so that Sir Walter Raleigh need not have given himself the trouble to fetch them from Guiana.  
Moreover, we know well how necessary it is in every Statesman, to be master of all the Artifices and slights that may be, to gain upon them with whom he has to deal. Now if any can be fit to act this part than women, I am much deceived. For what by their importunities, glances, trains, slights, ambushes, arifices, and petty infidelity, it is as impossible to escape them, as to go over fire concealed in treacherous ashes.  
But I perceive a Volley, or rather storms of Objections coming on; but such, as we shall easily escape without being hurt. In the first place, you will say, they are or will be inconstant. The fit they are for all occasions of business. They will turn and tack about according as the wind serves, and so will never shipwreck; whereas many Princes have split themselves and their Posterity, by being too obstinate in steering one Course. You will next say, they will be proud. What more proper than Majesty and high deportment in a Governor? Without pride, how should there be reverence? and without reverence, how should there be sujection?  
You will tell me, they will be too delicate and gay. This is but to keep the Imaginations of the people aloof, which must necessarily be heightened by such curious deceptions, which are as needful for them as the Arcana Imperii are for men. Oh! but they will be talkative. So much the better for the people; whereas reserved and dark Princes, that either mean nothing or ambiguously, leave the people in suspense, and make liberty either dangerous, or cause flatterry to misconstrue it. You say, they will be cruel. I would fain know what man, take the wisest or the best, that ever boggled much if a head or two were in his way. And therefore, why should they be condemned for what is so usually practised? Lastly, you will say they are unwise. The more easy and supple to be governed by wise Counsellors. And therefore we must conclude, that as women bring forth Children to the world, as they multiply themselves into these visible and corporeal Souls, and after they have brought them forth, so they are most tender and careful to bring them up: And so it is most fitting, having all these pre-eminencies and indulgencies of Nature, that when they are brought up, they should also have the government of them. For a Potter would think it hard measure, that the Pitcher should fly in his face when it was made.  
And thus without one blast, all the Discomforts of Matrimony vanish, since if women act contrary to their Fancies, 'tis no more than what the men are to be contented withal, as being due to the Prerogative of their Sex; and the honour which men receive in being coupled to their Superiors, aught to drown all their other vain Imaginations of usurped authority and ostentation.   
FINIS.   

THE OLD BACHELOR.  
He which that hath no wife I hold him lost,  
Helpless, and all desolate.  — CHAUCER. 
No life, no joy, no Sweet, without a lass.  — ALBINO AND BELLAMA, 1637. 
We have so leaden eyes, as not to see sweet beauty's snow,  
Or seeing have so wooden wits, as not that worth to know;  
Or knowing, have so muddy minds, as not to be in love,  
Or loving, have so frothy thoughts, as easily thence to move.  — ASTROPHEL and STELLA, Sir P. Sidney, 1638. 

What" fox," in life,  
Still takes no wife,  
But would an heiress catch— oh, lor'!  
Than on himself  
Waste all her pelf?  
'Tis the plotting, sly, old Bachelor!  
Who is the" blade,"  
When youth and maid  
Give promise of a match— oh, lor'!  
Will prate of care,  
And pockets bare?  
'Tis the senseless, cold old Bachelor!  
Who to some friend's  
His course oft bends,  
More than one" buss" to snatch— oh, lor'!  
With that friend's wife,—  
So causing strife?  
'Tis the faithless, strange, old Bachelor!  
Who'll too some queer  
" Bold creature" near  
Himself too much attach— oh, lor'!  
Until his name  
Men but defame?  
'Tis the vicious, wild, old Bachelor!  
Who— soon and late—  
To have his prate,  
Will lift his neighbour's latch— oh, lor'!  
And ne'er decline  
To stop and dine?  
'Tis the ●●ulking," doop," old Bacholor!  
Who's ever found,  
When wine goes round,  
It quickly to" dispatch"— oh, lor'!  
Cup after cup  
Still guzzling up?  
'Tis the drunken, dry, old Baehelor!  
Who— unemployed—  
Of self still cloyed,  
Such dullness oft doth hatch— oh, lor'!  
'Cause 'tis his way  
So long to stay?  
'Tis the tiresome, slow, old Bachelor?  
Who, in his dress,  
Seems nothing less  
Than" guy," stuffed with old thatch— oh, lor'?  
All things so worn,  
Besmeared, or torn?  
'Tis the nasty, foul, old Bachelor!  
Who wears such hose,  
His skin oft shows—  
That ne'er get darn or 〈◊〉— oh, lor'!  
Housekeepers, oh!  
They're still so slow?  
'Tis the hated, cross, old Bachelor!  
Who— all alone—  
Lives but to groan,  
And his small beer to watch— oh, lor'!  
While, to his cost,  
Things oft are lost?  
'Tis the grudging, grim, old Bachelor!  
For whom, at last,  
His sins all past,  
A hole will sextons seratch— oh, jor '!  
Though well we know  
Few tears will flow?  
'Tis the worthless, bad, old Bachelor!   
C. C. Great Totham.