THE GRAVESEND Tilt-Boat. LONDON, Printed in the Year, 1699. THE GRAVESEND Tilt-Boat. BUsiness, like the Goddess Diana, is the Idol that all the World Worships; and all pretend to it, even from the King to the Beggar; And is a thing of so much Reputation, that they that have none, make it their Business to seek some; and are as busy in looking after Business, as a Hen that scrapes for a whole Brood of Chickens: This thing called Business is divided and diversified into all sorts and sizes, and admits of more Variety than the colours of the Rainbow. It was Business that brought me to the Graves-End Tilt-Boat, as it did several others, for we were a whole Boat full, and every one pretended Business; and tho' every Man's Business differed, yet it was all our Business to go to Graves-End: And the Wether being Warm, and the bright Eye of the World appearing in its Meridian Lustre, invited us to sit very orderly upon the Benches, and not to lie hickle-de-pickle-de, which is the Allamode-posture of the Tilt-Boat Passengers. And whilst each one was Endeavouring by some Discourse or other to while away the time, and divert the tediousness of our Passage, there was one Person who had the Mein of a Gentleman, (but both his Garb and Looks sufficiently declared him a decayed one) who sat as Melancholy as an old Cat, and gave every one cause enough to suspect that blind Fortune, like a very Jilt as she is, had severely bend her Brows, and frowned upon him; and that he laboured under the Malevolent Influences of some unkind Stars, whose dire Aspects he was Unable to Ward off: Which really touched my Foolish heart with so much pity, that I could not but sympathise with him in his unknown Sorrows. Which that I better might divert him from, Directing my Discourse to him, What, all-a-mort, Sir, says I! If you have met with Troubles, trouble yourself no more about 'em; there's still a Morning to the Darkest Night; nor was the Sky ever so overcast with Blackness, but that the all-Enlivening Sun shot forth his bright Corruscant Beams again, and dried up all those Tears the Clouds had wept, of which this lovely Day is a sufficient demonstration; and since this Company, nay, and all Nature smiles, why should a Cloud be seen upon your Brows? The Gentleman, who had till now held down his head in a disponding posture, and looked as Meager as the Picture of old Envy on the Monument, at this raised himself up, and said, Ah Sir! I thank you for your good Advice, but did you know my Griefs as well as I do, you'd say they were too great to hope a Cure; and there is scarce a Day that passes, but makes 'em yet more desperate, and me more hopeless. Nor is it for myself alone that I am troubled, for I could bear the worst of Ills myself, and dare my Angry Fate to pour down all its Curses on my head, might I alone be made the Object of 'em, and no one suffer else. But 'tis fewer Fate for whom I mourn, who from the greatest height of Happiness the World could give him, is now become an Abject, and made the very Tennis-Ball of Fortune. You have, said I, for aught I know, reason for your Grief, and would you but relate the Story of your Sorrows, it would at least, I do persuade myself, have this Effect, that by a generous sympathy we should Commiserate your Fate, and have a fellow-feeling of your Sufferings; and 'tis, you know, some Ease but to be pitied, and have Companions in Affliction. You Speak so generously, replied the Melancholy Gentleman, That tho' to answer your Request, be to renew my Grief, I'll give you the sad Story of my Troubles as briefly as I can. Upon this, there was a general silence, for we had all a Mind to hear him, whilst he thus began. The First Tale. The Unnatural Children. I Had once the Honour to be none of the meanest Servants to a Gentleman of the first Quality in England; and one not more remarkable for Greatness than for Goodness; for he Excelled in every thing, and was the most tender of all Husbands to his Wives (for he has had two) the most Indulgent Father to his Children, the kindest Master to his Servants, and the best of Landlords to his Tenants; whom he Endeared to him by so much Kindness and Freedom, that they seemed to be the Family of Love: I have already told you that my Master had two Wives, by the first of which he had two Daughters, who had they been as Virtuous as they were fair, no Father in the World could have been happier in his Children. But, alas! The Case was far otherwise: For they both proved very Undutiful to their Father; especially the Eldest, who was Proud and Imperious, looking upon all others to be below her, and beholding 'em with scorn and contempt; so haughty she was, she could not Endure to be contradicted; and naturally of an Aspiring Temper, desiring to be possessed of her Father's Estate; which altho' (if he had died without a Son) she would certainly have enjoyed, yet she would rather have her Father turned out of doors, than tarry till that time came: In which Attempt her Youngest Sister, who loved her Father best of the two, was yet drawn in to join with her, and so was her Husband also, tho' otherwise a quiet good natured Gentleman, who if he might but enjoy his Pleasure, was willing to let the World go as it would; Being far unlike the Eldest Daughter's Husband, who was Proud and haughty, and Ambitious beyond Measure; of a bold and daring Spirit, but withal very Malicious and Revengeful, and one that would stick at nothing to bring about his own Designs: Making great pretences to Virtue and Religion, which served only as a Cloak to his Ambition; and as a Blind whereby he might conceal his Wicked Purposes; looking upon Justice, Honesty, Truth, and Right, as things invented to keep Fools in awe; and those that he chief hugged in his Bosom, and made Privy to his Designs, were men of the same Profligate Principles with himself, by whose advice and counsel he was always swayed: And then his Covetousness was as great as his Ambition; which made him esteem every thing lawful, that he thought would prove Profitable; for Right or Wrong were things that never troubled him. Now this being the Character of my Master's Children, it was not likely that things should prove much better than afterwards they fell out. Whilst things continued thus, my Master's Eldest Brother died, and having no lawful Issue of his own, left all his Estate to him, with an increase of Power as well as Riches; for he was Lord of several large and Wealthy Manors: All which my Master used with so much Lenity and Moderation, as made him still better beloved by every one. And in a short time after, his Lady (who was a Gentlewoman of a high Descent, and enriched with many great and Noble Virtues) was brought a Bed of a Young Son, which caused no little Joy amongst us all, especially my Master, who now had got an heir to all his great Estate; and this Young Gentleman was looked upon to be the growing hopes of all the Family.— But, O the Fickleness of Fortune, and the Unconstancy of sublunary things! How quickly was our Joy turned into Mourning? And our Rejoicing into Grief and Sorrow? My Master's Eldest Daughter (although she had no Children of her own) who had always flattered herself with the hopes of enjoying her Father's Estate, but now seeing a Young Heir was born to put her Nose quite out of Joint, and cutting off herself and Sister too, from the Inheritance, was mightily afflicted at this News, being (as I have said) a Woman of a very haughty and Imperious Temper; and could not forbear publicly to show her Resentment: But her Husband, finding on a sudden all his great Expectations come to nothing, and that this Heir would deprive him of the Inheritance, he fretted, fumed, and stormed like a Madman, giving out that the Young Son was Spurious and surreptitious, and only a Trick of his Mother-in-Law's to cheat him of his Right; saying his Father was either Imposed upon, or joined in the confederacy against him; with many other Extravagant things of that Nature, resolving however to run through all obstacles, to gratify his Pride and Ambition. And because he knew his Father-in-law to be of a Religion differing from the Public Profession, he gave out that he had a design to introduce his own Religion in all places where he had to do; and that all those who would not profess it, should be turned out of their Farms, and their Leases become forfeited: And if at any time any difference happened between my Master and the Tenants, he would be still interposing by his Spies, (For he had corrupted several of my Masters Menial Servants; and amongst others, his Secretary, who still sent him word of all Occurrences that happened in his Family; and likewise one of his Pages, bred up by him from a Child, who tho' he pretended not to like my Master's Religion, was of an Ill Church himself; or else he would never have forsaken his Master, as he did) and like his Predecessor Absalon of old, would seem to pity the Tenants, because there was none to do 'em Justice, setting himself up for a Patriot, in a Place where he had nothing to do, for his Estate lay in another County. By these and suchlike Clandestine Proceed, he had so far alienated the hearts of my Master's Tenants from him, and many of his own Servants likewise, that his Interest was very great among 'em. And my Master happening to lop down some overgrown Trees that stood before his Mansion-house, and hindered his Prospect, his Son-in-law caused it to be insinuated among the Tenants, that this was a Breach of the Fundamental Constitution that by the Laws of the Manor it could not be done, but was an Arbitrary thing, and tended to the destruction of the Tenants, all whose Woods he might cut down upon the same Pretence.— And then pretending, for the Security of their Religion and Liberties, to assist them against these Encroachments, which were occasioned by some Evil Servants of his Father's which aught to be removed, he raises the Posse Comitatus of the County where he lived, and having got several of the Tenants to join with him, comes upon the Estate, turns my Master, his Lady and Son, out of Doors, and seizes on all that was Valuable there, commiting so great a Ravage and Havoc upon the Estate, that a hundred years will hardly make good again; turning all his Servants out of Doors, having first Stripped them of what they had, except such as were in his Interest, for the only Crime of being Faithful to our Master. Whose Disconsolate Circumstances, now in his Old Age, troubles me more than my own. He has indeed one Friend, at the Expense of whose generous Charity he has been supported, ever since he was dispossessed of his Estate: This Friend commenced a Suit at Law with my Master's Son-in-Law, for the Recovery of his Estate, and said he would never give over till he had accomplished it, which gave us all great hopes of seeing good Days again. But after a Lawsuit of Ten Years continuance, first in one Court, and then in another, my Master's Friend being almost ruined by it, his Son-in-Law having the largest Purse, being in Possession, and seeing high, and Corrupting all the Judges with Bribes, he forced him at last (for all his great Boasts to my Master,) to comply with him; so that there is an Agreement made between 'em; and he now owns the Son-in-Law for the Right Landlord, and all the Tenants have acknowledged him for such, and pay their Rents to him; and all this without any Provision made for my Old Master, or his Young Son, or any of his Servants: So that now all our hopes of help are become hopeless, and we have nothing left us but a Prospect of certain Ruin; as you may see by the following Scheme of our present Condition. A knagged Staff is our Companion, our Inn is at Beggar's Bush, Duke Humphrey is our Host, and Mother Need our Hostess; our Bed is the Earth, the Air serves us for Curtains, and the Sky for a Canopy: Our Meat is only Sighs, our Drink is our Tears, our Sauce Hunger, and our Physic Patience, which being forced, is only a Medicine for a Mad Dog. Judge now Gentlemen, (continued this Antiquated Servant) if I have not great reason in such a hopeless State to be Melancholy? Being reduced to so low an Ebb of Fortune, and deprived of that which is the Relief of the most Miserable, I mean Hope, (which as I said) in our present Circumstances is become hopeless. This is indeed a Melancholy Story, said another of the Passengers that sat by him; but sure there must be something more in it: Why should the Son turn his Father-in-Law out of Doors, and raise the Posse Comitatus without any Provocation? What signified the cutting down of a few Trees? That could be no great matter: Besides, they were his own, and who could hinder him? To this Mr. Melancholy replied, You mistake the Case, Sir; it was not so much the Cutting down the Trees; that was only a Pretence: It was the Young Son that was the Provocation; for he being the Heir, the Hopes of the Inheritance was thereby cut off: Had it not been for this, my Master might have cut down all the Trees on the Ground if he would. The Case was truly hard, Replied the Passenger again, for a Father to be turned out of Doors thus by his Children; and shows 'em to be Extremely Unnatural. But pray what became of the Youngest Daughter, for you don't tell us what concern she had in the matter? The Youngest Daughter, replied the Old Gentleman, always lived with her Father, and so loved him the best of the two; but being Inveigled by her Brother and Sister, who told her the Estate should come to her and her Children after their Death, (the Eldest having no Children of her own) she consented to them, and run away into another County with her Father's Chaplin (who had got a pair of Jack-Boots and put himself into a Troopers habit) just when her Brother came to take Possession of the Estate, and turn all out of Doors. Her Husband, who I told you was a sort of Unthinking good-natured Man, being with my Master at that time, he told him he heard his Eldest Daughter's Husband designed to Seize on his Estate, and turn him out of Door: The Young Gentleman (who seemed to have no hand in the Plot) told him 'Twas Imposseeble, and yet the next Morning went away to his Brother, and left his Father: His Wife coming back, as soon as her Father was turned out, and his Estate Seized. Having heard the Gentleman's Story out, We all Commiserated the Unhappy Condition of the Injured Father; and pitied the Meager Gentleman that told the Story; Upon which a Passenger that sat next but one to me, addressing himself to him, said, I have heard your Tale, and am sorry for your Misfortunes; and tho' it is not in my Power to help you; yet Sir, for your Diversion, I'll tell you a Parallel Story to that which you have told; and indeed not much unlike it, only yours is of Unnatural Children, and mine is of a Cruel Father, which without any farther Preface, is as follows: The Second Tale. The Cruel Father. THere Lived not long since in one of the largest Counties in England, a Nobleman that shall be Nameless, whose Nobility of Birth and great Estate, had dignifyed him with the Title of Lord Lieutenant of the County where he lived; and where he might have lived happily to this Day, had not he been far more remarkable for Wickedness than for his Birth: It would be hard to give an Exact Character of him, he was so great a Compound of all Vice, but Cruelty and Revenge had the Ascendant over all the rest; and his thirst after Blood was insatiable; which made him Implacable towards all whom he thought to have Injured him: He did indeed profess the Popish Religion, but that, in the late Reigns, was thought no Crime; and it is hard to say whether his Religion made him so Cruel, or his Cruelty made him turn Papist, (for he was bred a Protestant in his Younger Days) but this is certain, he was Proud, Revengeful, and Malicious; and would carry on his Designs by Treachery, and Deceit; his Words would be smother than Oil, when the greatest Villainy was in his Heart; and it was shrewdly suspected by many that he caused his own Brother to be Poisoned, that he might Enjoy his Estate: And this was very common to him, that he would commit Twenty Villainies to cover one; and but to know that any Person suspected him, was to have that Person taken out of the World: to which End he always kept a Crew of Beggarly Cutthroats depending upon him, which would Swear any Man out of his Life upon occasion, especially if he was Rich, and there was any hope of Forfeitures to fall to the King, which he would be sure to beg, and thereby gratify his Knights of the Post out of the Ill-gotten Spoils: But if the Person proved too great to be taken off under a Pretence of Justice, his Crew were ready at his Beck to Cut their Throats, and then to lay the Crime on the Person they had so Murdered, as if he had done it himself: He turned out all honest Gentlemen from being Justices of the Peace, or Officers of the Militia in the County where he was Lord Lieutenant, and affected an Arbitrary Rule and Domination, in all that he did, not caring what he Swore, or how he took his Oath; so that no Man could use that Confession in the common Prayer, We have done those things we ought not to have done, and left undone those things we ought to have done, better than himself: And such as himself was, were his Servants likewise; being a Pack of the greatest Villains that ever scaped the Gallows; as forward to do any Mischief, as he was to set 'em about it: The most beggarly Scoundrels, and Blood thirsty Rascals that ever came into the Service of a Gentleman; their only Virtue being Passive-Obedience, for they were, for the most part, such Cowards, that they knew not how to resist. And yet this Gentleman (as wicked as he was) had two fair Daughters whose Piety and Virtue was so great and Exemplary, that it did more than Compensate for all their Father's Ills; who every Day offered up Pious Prayers to Heaven, to turn him from the Evil of his Ways; and grieved to see the courses that he took: Who in return, repaid them Hatred for their Love and Duty; tho' for no other Reason, but because they were Virtuous, and would not turn Papists, as their Father had done, but both continued Zealous Protestants. The Eldest of them, who was much the fairest of the Two, and was the Wonder of her Sex, for Piety and Virtue, was Married to a Gentleman so truly Noble, and Complete in all Perfections, as if his Breast had been the Magazine of all the Virtues, for there they had their Constant Residence: His Actions were always the Product of a well-grounded Judgement, having Reason and Religion for their Basis; In all his Attempts he was Brave and Undaunted, but would never attempt an Unjust thing: He was always a great Assertor of the Liberty of Mankind, and always an Enemy to Popery and Slavery, for which reason his Father-in-Law hated him. I have forgot to tell you, That the Lord Lieutenant had a mighty kindness for a Great Man in a Neighbouring County, who governed the People there with the extremest rigour and severity Imaginable, using all manner of Cruelty and Oppression towards, 'em; breaking down all the Bounds and Fences of Law and Justice, and making no Distinction either of Right or Wrong; not Valuing the most Sacred Laws and Edicts that had been Confirmed with the greatest Solemnity; so that none that knew him would ever trust him, if they could avoid it, and whoever did, was sure to come off a Loser: For Vows nor Oaths could hold him, any longer than till he had an Opportunity to break 'em. This was t●● only Crony of the Lord Lieutenant, who admired his Conduct, and followed his Example in all he could: But his Noble Son-in-law had always opposed his Practices, and hindered him several times from Oppressing his Neighbours as he designed to have done. Which made his Father hate him the more, for he loved no body so well as this old Tyrant; and had rather his Estate should fall into his hands, than into the hands of his Son-in-Law; Who having as I said Married the Eldest Daughter, and having no Son, the Estate must of Necessity fall into his hands; which the Lord Lieutenant and his Lady, (a Popish Bigot like her Husband) thus Endeavoured to prevent: They gave out a Report, and spread it abroad, that his Lady was with Child, who to make herself appear big, wore a Cushion upon her Belly; and understanding that two or three Poor Women that were their Neighbours were with Child at that time, had agreed to take away one of them that should be a Boy, and privately convey it to her, who should then pretend to be brought a Bed, and it should pass for her own Child. Who by that means should be the Heir of the Estate, and be brought up in the Popish Religion, and so his two Heretic Daughters and their Issue should be Excluded. This Cursed Design to deprive his Children of their Right, was mightily hugged by him and his Lady; who thought the matter laid so well, it could admit of no Discovery.— But it often falls out, the Crafty are taken in their own Snares; for as closely as the Design was laid, several of their own Servants having a Watchful Eye over all that past, and who pretended to be much in their Interest, and showed a great Inclination to turn to their Religion, (tho' in their hearts they abhorred both their Religion and Practice, especially this his Villainous Contrivance against his own Children) upon which account they were sworn to Secrecy, and let into all the Design; by which means it came more particularly to be discovered. Besides which, several of the Gentry, and chief Freeholders in the County, were very suspicious of the Imposture, and amazed at the Villainy of the Contrivance; which yet was mightily Encouraged and cried up by that old Rogue I have before Spoken of, in the adjoining County, from whom he generally took all his Measures. The time of the pretended Lying-in being come, for that a poor Cottager, one of their Tennant's Wives, being delivered of a lusty Boy, Notice was instantly given to the Lady thereof, who presently order the Child to be brought, and then feigns to fall into Labour, in which she made a great crying out, to put a gloss upon the matter, but it was quickly over, for the Child was born to her hands, which was well known to several of the Servants: However it was presently published that a Son was born, and great rejoicings made upon it. But the Gentry and several of the Freeholders of the County, being now beyond all Doubt assured of the Imposture, were extremely troubled at the Daringness of this Wicked Contrivance; and justly reflected, that since their Lord Lieutenant had been guilty of so great a Piece of Barbarity to his own Children, there was no Wickedness that he would stick at; and consequently that both their Lives and Estates were in continual Danger from him. And they had so much the greater reason to fear this, because but the Day before his Lady pretended to be brought a Bed, he had caused several of the Principal Clergy of the County (whose watchful Eyes he was afraid would have discovered his Villainy) to be accused of Disloyalty to the King, and clapped up into Prison; having also sometime before, sent down a Bloody Villain that was his chief Servant, into the Western Parts of the County, and made it almost a mere shambles, upon the like Shameless Pretences; and being great at Court, no Complaints there would be heard against him; Besides, he was so upheld in all his Wickedness by that old Villain, the Lord Lieutenant of the adjoining County, between whom and himself there was so strict a Friendship and Amity, that he now began to think himself above the Fear of Punishment. Upon all these Considerations, several of the Principal Gentry and Freeholders' of the County secretly consulted together what they should do for the Preservation of their Lives and Estates, and found they had no Remedy left, but to send to their Lord Lieutenant's Daughter's Husband, who was a Gentleman of great Interest and Power, both in his own County and in the Lord Lieutenant's, and who was both Wise and Valiant, and of Unspotted Integrity and Honour; of which all that knew him were very sensible: For there had been very great offers made to him some time ago both by his Father-in-law, and his Old Neighbouring Brother in Iniquity, That if he would change his Religion, and come into their Interest, he should have whatever he would ask; But he generously refused their offer, and let 'em know that he would not do a dishonest thing to be made the greatest Prince in Europe; after which, they always both feared and hated him. Being come to this Result, they sent two or three Gentlemen to him privately, who gave him an Account of the then sad Condition their County, Religion, Lives and Liberties were in, by the Arbitrary and Tyrannical Proceed of their Lord Lieutenant; and likewise how lately he had substituted an Impostor instead of a Son, as was pretended, to deprive him and his Lady of their Natural Birthright. Adding, That he could neither Answer it to God, his Country, his own Conscience, nor his Lady, if he thus suffered her to be deprived of her Birthright, by an Impostor. Having maturely considered of these things, and especially of the Danger both Religion and Liberty were in, by these Violent Proceed of his Father-in-law, and how Dishonourable a thing it would be, to Suffer a Beggar's Brat to deprive his Lady of that Inheritance which is her Right; he resolved to accept of their Invitation, and at least to reason the Case with his Father-in-law about it. But knowing well how Deceitful and Treacherous he was in all his Actions, he thought it would be a great piece of Imprudence in himself if he should put himself into his Father's hands; and therefore took along with him several of his best Friends, as well to be a Guard to his Person, as to advise him in any difficult Emergencies that should happen. He was no sooner come into the County, but the whole County expressed an Extraordinary Joy, looking upon him to be (as indeed he was) their Friend and their Deliverer. The first thing he did, upon his coming into the County, was to send a Letter to his Father, to let him know he was coming to wait upon him; and to Endeavour to compose the Differences that had unhappily fallen out between him and the Freeholders' and Gentlemen of the County, and also to Inquire into the Truth of a Report that had been brought to him about the Imposture of his Pretended Son, which he should be very glad to find false. Upon the receiving of this Letter, the Lord Lieutenant changed his Countenance; but when he had read it, and found his Son-in-law had an Account of what had been done, relating to his pretended Son, his Gild flew in his Face, and he was filled with the greatest Consternation imaginable; and presently sent away his Lady, and her pretended Son, to his Neighbouring Companion in Mischief; by whose advice he had all along steered his Course. The next Day the Lord Lieutenant was in a great agony in himself; the horror of his Wickedness and the just Vengeance due to him on that Account, made him extreme Uneasy; so that instead of Adjusting things fairly as his Son-in-law desired, (being conscious to himself that he was justly hated by the generality of the People in the County) he rather chose to withdraw himself out of the County, and go after his Lady and her pretended Son, than to look his Son-in-law in the Face, whom he had so much wronged. The News of his having with-drawn himself out of the County, was no sooner known, but it caused a general Rejoicing; (none being sorry for it, but a few beggarly Scoundrels, whom he had made the Instruments of his Injustice and Cruelty; whose chief Sorrow was, that they had now no more opportunity to ruin their Neighbours.) And his Son-in-law having taken Possession of the Estate, which of Right belonged to him, he was soon after chosen Lord Lieutenant, in the Room of his Father-in-law. This made the old Lord Lieutenant almost raving Mad, who was still as Wicked as ever, and now Plotted by all the ways and means he could to take away his Life, sometimes by Poison, and at other times by Assassinating him as he rid upon the Road; but being the Darling and Peculiar Care of Heaven, he has hitherto been preserved, and I hope will always be so, having done nothing but what became an honest and worthy Gentleman: Himself, his Lady, and her Sister, having Justified themselves to be the best of Children, to the worst of Fathers. As soon as the Gentleman had made an end of this Tale, and we had all showed our Resentments at the Barbarousness and Cruelty of so unnatural a Father; one that had said nothing all this while, but sat as if he had been asleep, having roused up himself, said, Well Gentlemen, I have heard both your Tales, which I take to be one and the same, divers ways told; but you have done neither side that Right, which a Printed Copy of Verses has done, that I found t'other day at the End of a Book; and which for the, Ingenuity of 'em, I committed to Memory; and if you please, Gentlemen, for your further Diversion, I'll Repeat, as well as I can. We were all desirous to hear what they were, and so entreated him to begin. Which he did thus: The Third Tale. WHAT I am going to repeat, is called A Dialogue between the late King James and King William, after the Battle of the Boyn in Ireland: The Words are these: King James. No Injured Monarch can his Fate Explore, A Father, and an Vnkle's Right, is more: Nature pleads here; your Blood is on my side; Each beating Pulse, and every Vein's Allied: What Fever then thus boiled you into Arms? Is it Religion, or the Crown that charms? If from my Daughter's Right, your Claim you bring, She is too Early Queen, whilst I am King. Your Love to her, you show by wronging Me; You praise the Fruit, and yet cut down the Tree: That Crime Rome blushed to punish, you pursue; Make it your Conscience, and your Glory too: Why should you shake my Glass so nearly done? The Ebbing Sands have but a few to run. King William. I took but up that Crown you durst not wear, And am Your Conqueror, as well as Heir: If Right Divine, does unto Kings belong, Where's the Divine, when once the King does Wrong? All Monarches did from Civil Contracts spring, And he who breaks the Law, Dissolves the King. Nor can you here a Parent's Right pretend, For Public Safety knows no Private Friend: Thus Generous Pompey for his Country drew, Forgot his Julia, and her Caesar too. King James, New Titles may be scaffolded with Laws; And frothy Monarches of the Mobs applause, Accept a Crown on Terms too mean to wear; Then boast themselves they are the People's Heir: But he that Crowns from Contracts does receive, Is King at Will, and Governs but by Leave: A Marble Caesar, ' Pinioned to a Throne; The People Regnant, and the Monarch Stone. King William. When Men did first their Brutish Lusts pursue, And Force alone was all the Law they knew; When Sense was Guardian, and when Reason Young, 'twas then the Weak submitted to the Strong: Thus as the Bull walks Monarch of the Ground, So Nimrod, Caesar, and the rest were Crowned: For he that could Protect, and Conquest bring, Was from a Captain, ripened to a King. Thus they the People's Safety made their Choice, And Heaven confirmed it by the People's Voice. When you to Priests and Rome, the Laws Betrayed, The Injured Nation called to Me for Aid: And 'tis their Choice the Noblest Title brings, For Subjects are the surest Guard to Kings. When he had made an End of Repeating his Verses, all the Passengers Commended them for Ingenious Lines; and most of us were of Opinion that those attributed to King William were more to the purpose than those of the late King James. Whilst we were thus discoursing of the matter, a Country-like Fellow amongst us, said, gentlemans, I have heard your Discourse, but it is above my Understanding; nor indeed do I love to meddle with Kings and Princes, they are Persons of too high a Quality for me to talk of: And I am sure it would be more to my purpose to talk of the Tilling of my Ground, and the Sowing of my Corn, for that's a thing that will turn to some Account, if GOD send a good Seedtime and Harvest: And yet I am thankful to GOD that has given us such a good King, and can drink his Health as hearty as any one; but as to matters of State and Government, that's none of my Business: Let us but serve GOD, and obey the King, and live quietly under his Administration, and I don't doubt but we shall do well enough, without Prescribing Rules to our Superiors: For if the King and Parliament don't know how to order things, I am sure I done't: And now, Gentlemen, since you have been telling Stories, pray give me leave to tell a Story too, but it shall be a very short one.— We were all taken with the Honest Plainness of the Countryman, and bid him go on; which he did thus: The Fourth Tale. The Traveller and Lyon. THERE was a certain Traveller that going thorough a Wood saw a huge Lion lying upon the Ground, which at first put him into a very great fright, but seeing the Lion lie still, he began to recover himself again, and went nearer him, till at last he got so near that he perceived the Lion was asleep; upon which, being now grown a little foolhardy, he surveys him round about, and mightily liked his Shaggy Neck and Noble Head, but thought his hinder parts were not so handsome as they might be made; for he had seen of your Island-Dogs, (which is a Creature very much resembling a Lion in its shape) and he had oft observed that the Shaving or cutting off the hair of their hinder parts, made 'em look much more hand some, and therefore they were generally served so: And this Traveller being conceited of his own Abilities, and being willing to oblige the Lion in the same manner, he pulls out his Tackle out of his Pockets, and goes to work accordingly: He had'nt proceeded far in his Business, but the Lion wakes, and having never been Trimmed before, and not liking of it now, wondered at the Impudence of the Traveller, that he should go about to Trim him, without ask his Leave: However, tho' he did'nt set him a work, he was resolved to pay him his Wages, and so turning his head about, he gave him a Mortal Gripe, which put an end to his Work and Life together, as a just Reward of his Presumptuous Folly. And thus, As he that did the Lion Shave, Found 'twas a dangerous thing, So will each bold and saucy Knave That meddles with the King. Let Kings alone in their high Sphere, And our own Business do: For things in a false Light appear Unto the Vulgar's View. He that presumes to shave the Lion's skin, Does little know what Danger he is in. The Countryman came off with great Applause; and we all concluded he had reason for what he said.— This made another of the Passengers, that had said nothing yet, to tell this following Tale. The Fifth Tale. The Faithful Shepherd. AN honest and careful Shepherd, that had the keeping of all the Flocks of Sheep in a Country Town, belonging to his Charge, and had approved himself for several Years of being very just in Discharge of his Place, whose Industry and Solicitude for the good of his Flock, was equal to his Judgement and Honesty; had certain Intelligence brought him, That there lay abroad not far off, an old Wolf, and a Young Whelp, which they were afraid would make a Ravage upon the Flock of Sheep: The Shepherd began to be concerned at the News, and was presently for setting his thoughts at work, how he might best preserve his Sheep in case of Danger; and considering the Largeness of his Flock, and the great Extent and compass of Ground they took up in feeding, he thought it Necessary, to have a Guard of Dogs to attend the Flock for their Preservation from the Outlying old Wolf, and her Young Whelp: Upon this the Shepherd desires that the Town would Assemble themselves together, to consider of a Proposal he had to make to 'em for the Safety of the Flocks under his Charge; which accordingly they did; and then the Shepherd gives 'em an Account of the Danger the Flocks were in, by reason of an old Wolf and her Young Whelp, that lay Skulking abroad, and was Watching for an opportunity to come down upon the Flocks and spoil 'em; to prevent which, he desired to have a Guard of Twenty Dogs to be always in readiness to resist the Wolf, whenever she should make any Attack upon the Sheep. This Proposal was canvased by the Towns-folks, some being for it, and others being against it: Those that were for it, urged that the Proposal was highly reasonable; and that those justly deserved to lose their Sheep, that refused to be at the charge of a Guard to defend 'em in time of Danger▪ And that it was impossible that the Shepherd's Dog he had already (who was as old and feeble as a London-Watchman) could preserve so great a Flock from the Wolf, in case she should set upon 'em: Those that were against it, Replied, That the Demand of so great a Guard was unreasonable; and that seeing the Wolf abroad had yet made no Attempt to come down-upon the Sheep, why should they so much fear her now? And that for their parts, if such a Number of Dogs should be raised for the Security of the Sheep, they should be more apprehensive of danger from them, than from the Wolf: 'Tis true, they knew the Shepherd was careful and honest, but they did not know what the Dogs might be; and therefore were very unwilling to have so great a Number raised, and that Ten was more than would be needful. To this the other Party replied, That as long as they were assured of the honesty of the Shepherd, they had no reason to be afraid of the Number of Dogs; besides, the Flock consisting of above Twenty Thousand Sheep, Twenty Dogs were as few as could be thought on to preserve 'em: And to say, That the Wolf had made no Attempt to come down upon 'em yet, was no argument at all that she would not; and that it might more reasonably be thought, That because she had not yet, therefore she would, as soon as she found an Opportunity: Upon the whole matter, it was at last carried in the Affirmative, That the Dogs should be raised, and the Shepherd have the Guard he desired: And they were raised accordingly; and with their Noise and Number so affrighted the Wolf, that she never offered to make any Attempt upon the Sheep; but in a short time after, the Dogs being a little sharp set, fell upon the Sheep themselves; and would make nothing to devour half a score, and sometimes twenty in a Night: This occasioned horrid complaints to be made against the Dogs to the Shepherd by the Townsmen; but the Dogs being slushed and fattened with sucking the Sheep's Blood, refused to be commanded by the Shepherd, and would do only what they pleased themselves: This mightily troubled the Shepherd, who was so much concerned at it, that he desired another Meeting of the Towns-folks, and there laying the Exorbitant Carriage of the Dogs before 'em, they ordered 'em to be immediately suppressed, choosing rather to run the hazard of the Wolves coming upon the Sheep, than to have 'em certainly devoured by their own Dogs. Some, that they Sylla's Rock may Eat, Do on Charibda straightway run. And of two Evils, each one knows, The least is always to be chose: Better let Foes beyond-sea Roam, Than be destroyed by Friends at home. This Tale was no sooner told, but a Kentish-Man in the Boat said, I don't care if I tell you one Tale, but it shall be a Merry one: Whereupon he thus began. The Sixth Tale. Of a Widow and her Son. A Thrifty stayed Bachelor in our County took his Mother, being a Widow, to keep his house, and so they lived together; yet his Mother had a great mind to see her Son Married, telling him he would never be settled till he had a good Wife: But he usually answered his Mother, that he had no mind to Marry, and as long as he had her Company to look after his House, he was very well satisfied: But as continual Dropping will make an Impression upon a Stone, so his Mother's continual Solicitations made him at last have a desire to Marry, if he could light of a good Wife: This his Mother promised to hearken out for him; and in a little time she was as good as her Word, having heard of a young handsome Widow, and rich withal: To this Widow she takes her Son, who sees her and likes her; and she gave him leave to make his Addresses to her, with some hopes of Success: In prosecution of which Amour, he rises betimes one Morning, takes his Horse, and goes to make the young Widow a Visit; but she not expecting him so soon, he was surprised to find her in Bed with another Man, as he did; but so as his Mistress had no knowledge of it; and so without speaking a Word he went away again, and rides directly to his Sisters, to make his complaint of his ill Luck to her, whose Husband he knew was gone a Journey Forty Miles beyond London the day before: When he came to his Sisters, he finds the door open, and so goes into the Kitchen, but seeing no Body there, he goes to the Parlour where she lay, and the Door standing a Char, as we say in the Country, he Peeps in, and sees a Man in Bed with his Sister, doing Business there; he was once about going in, but Shame and Grief prevented him; and so shutting the Door, away he goes from thence, and rides to Maidstone, where meeting with several of his Acquaintance, he falls a Drinking to drive Care away, if he could; and stays there till 12 a Clock at Night; but says nothing to any one of what he had seen that Morning, either with respect to his Sweetheart, or his Sister. Being come home, he finds the Family all in Bed; and being unwilling to disturb 'em, puts his Horse to Grass, and gets into the Barn, and lays himself down upon the Straw, and being weary, and having drank hard, falls fast asleep till Morning. At which time the Thresher comes into the Barn, and falls to Threshing as hard as he could; but did not see him, who lay at the End of the Barn, with a heap of Straw between, which hindered the Thresher from seeing him. About an hour after, comes in his Mother, with a Tankard of Ale, and a Toast and Cheese, which the Thresher and she Eat and Drank together, and afterwards he laid her upon the Straw, and there gave her what she wanted: The Son being a witness of this, was so troubled he was like a Man distracted; but still kept himself private. At last the Thresher going out of the Barn about some Business, he steps out, and goes into the House as if but new come home, and sits himself down by the Fire side in a Melancholy posture; whereupon his Mother asks him what's the matter? He falls a railing upon Women at a great rate: She desires to know the occasion, and asks him whether his Mistress was not kind to him? He replies No; but he had seen her very kind to somebody else; and then tells her, he had seen her a Bed with another Man: At this the Mother called her a hundred Whores, and seemed mighty glad that he had discovered it; and told him he had no reason to be troubled for that, as long as it was found out; and that she would provide a better Wife for him, for she wou'd'nt for never so much have a Whore in their Family, which had always kept itself clear and unspotted: The Son then told her that was'nt all his Trouble, for there was something else that was worse, troubled him; and his Mother being very solicitous to know what that was, he told her, That riding to see his Sister, to make his Complaint to her, he had also found a Man a Bed with her, his Brother being gone beyond London: Out upon her for a Whore, cries the Mother, to bring our Family into Disgrace thus! Well, I'll never own her for my Daughter more; with many other words to the same purpose. Then the Son told her, that was'nt all his Trouble neither; for coming home Early this Morning (says he) from Maidstone, and being loath to disturb you, I turned my Horse to Grass, and went into the Barn, and fell asleep upon the Straw; and about Eight a Clock I saw you come in with a Toast and Ale to the Thresher, which you and he Drank up together; and then he laid you down upon the Straw, and you know what he did there, as well as I can tell you? And did you see that too? Says his Mother: Yes, that I did, said he: Well then, says she, go your ways, and Mary your Sweetheart, and make no words on't; for I tell you, They'll all do't; they'll all do't, as soon as they have Time and Opportunity. This Justifies the Proverb; still the worst And greatest Whore of all, will cry Whore first: And when she's caught, and most of all put to't, She pleads for an Excuse, They all will do't. If that be true, what shall a Man say more? If all will do't, than every one's a Whore. But you will say, All to Condemn 'tis hard; Those that are honest aught to have regard: With all my heart; to that I'll say Amen. But if they'll all do't, Pray who's honest then? This Story made us all Laugh; & Encouraged another Passenger to tell that which follows. The Seventh Tale. Of the Ass and the Scholar. A Country Gentleman of a good Estate, of all sorts of Creatures loved Asses best; (and some have not been afraid to say, He was an Ass for his Pains) but whether that be true or no, I won't determine; but the Tale I am going to tell you is matter of Fact; which is, That a certain Country Gentlemen loved Asses above any other sort of Creatures, fancied an Ass to be the handsomest, and to have the most pleasant Voice; and accordingly gave order to his Servants that they should have the best Provision and Looking to, and would always choose to be in their Company (perhaps as being fittest for him) so that the dull lazy Asses were fat and plump, and in good case, and looked as Bluff as a Dutch Butterbox: It happened that a Poor Scholar coming that way, and by the Largeness of the Mansion-House, guessing there was as large a Soul inhabited within, he made up to it, and coming into the Court, asked a Person with a fine Outside, Who it was that lived in that House? The Man told him, A Lover of Asses; I thought so, replied the Scholar, by your being so fine. If you won't a Coxcomb, returned the fine Gentleman, you'd be an Ass too, and then you might be as fine as I: For none but Asses are respected. If that be true, said the Scholar, I'll even burn my Books, and go to play; or if I Study, it shall be how to be an Ass, that I may get Preferment. Sure now the World's come to a pleasant pass, When men must Study how to play the Ass: And yet there's reason for't, because we see Asses most fit for all Employments be. If Asses therefore bened accounted best, Why are they still preferred above the rest? But yet an Ass so base a Creature is, I'll be no Ass, tho' I Preferment miss. The Eighth Tale. Of the Mayor and the King's Ape. SOme few years ago, there was a fellow that wore the King's cipher and Crown upon his Coat, with the Two Letters of the King's Name; this Fellow had a Warrant from the Master of the Revels to Travel throughout England with a fine Ape that he had, which could dance, and do several Feats of Activity, whereby he got his Living by showing him at Markets and Fairs: and this Ape always rid upon a Mastiff Dog, and a Man with a Drum to attend him. It happened that these four Travellers came to a Town called Looe in Cornwall; where the Inn being taken, the Drum went about to signify to the People that at such an Inn was an Ape of great Quality, and extraordinary Virtue, if they pleased to bestow their Money and Time to see him. But the Townsmen being for the most part Fishermen, and other Painful and Laborious Callings, had no leisure to waste either Time or Money to see an Ape show Tricks, so that no Audience came to the Inn, to the great Disappointment of the Jack-an-Apes and his Master: Who finding himself like to be a Loser, Resolved to put a Trick upon the Town, let the Issue be what it would. Whereupon he called for a Pen, Ink, and Paper, and Writ the following Warrant to the Mayor of the Town: These are to will and require you, and every of you, with your Wives and Families, that upon the sight hereof, you make your Personal Appearance before the King's Ape; for it is an Ape of Rank and Quality, who is to be practised through his Majesty's Dominions, that by his long Experience among his Majesty's Subjects, he may be the better Enabled to do his Majesty Service hereafter; and hereof fail you not, as you will answer the Contrary, etc. This Warrant being brought to the Mayor, he sent for a Shoemaker at the farther end of the Town to read it: Which when he heard, he sent for all his Brethren, who went with him to the Town-Hall, to consult what to do in this weighty Business, where after they had sat a Quarter of an hour, no Man saying any thing, nor any Man knowing what to say; at last a young Man that never had born any Office, said, Gentlemen, if I were fit to speak, I think (without offence, under the Correction of the Worshipful) I should soon decide this Business; to whom the Mayor said, I pray, good Neighbour speak; for tho' you never did bear any Office here, yet you may speak as Wisely as some of us; Then, Sir, said the Young Man, My opinion is, That this Ape-Carrier is a scoffing gibing Knave; and one that designs to make this worthy Corporation a mere Laughingstock throughout the whole Kingdom; for was it ever known that a fellow should be so Impudently Audacious as to send a Warrant without either Name or Date, to a Mayor of a Town, to the King's Lieutenant, and that he with his Brethren, their Wives and Families, should be all commanded to come before a Jackanapes? This is against the Liberty of the Subject; and I am sure our gracious King, who is in all respects so tender of his People's Liberties, would never grant such a Warrant. My Counsel therefore is, That you take him and his Ape, with his Man and his Dog, and whip the whole Crew of 'em out of Town: Which I think will be much for your Credit; for he deserves to be punished that dares Sergeant the King's Warrant. At these Words, a grave Man of the Town, who seemed to be in a great Passion, said, My Friend, you have spoken little better than Treason; for it is the King's Ape; and therefore beware what you say: For had it been in the late Reigns, you might have been fairly hanged for it, and this Corporation have lost their Charter for hearing you: You say true, said Mr. Mayor, with a great deal of Indignation; I wonder who bid that saucy Fellow come into our Company? And what had you to do among us? For you never bore any Office, and that's a sign by your wise Speech: You are a fine Counsellor indeed, to advise us to whip the King's Ape! The Rogue had a mind to have us all hanged! Get you out of my sight, Sirrah! For I can't be well while you're here. So away went poor Peel-Garlick; for he was no Company for them. He being gone, Well, says Mr. Mayor, what's now to be done in this matter? Marry, says another Senior, we may see by the Crown upon his Coat, that he's one of the King's Servants, and who knows what Power a Knave may have in the Court, to do poor Men wrong in the Country? Let us go and see the Ape: It is but two pence a piece; no doubt but it will be well taken: And if it comes to the King's Ear, he will think us good Subjects that will show so much duty to his Ape: What may he think we would do to his Bears, if they should come hither? Besides, it is above Two Hundred Miles to London, and if we should be complained on, and be fetched with Pursivants, (whereas now every Man may escape for his Twopences) I'll warrant it would cost us ten Groats a piece at the least. This Counsel, being grounded upon so much reason, past currant, and all the whole Drove of the Townsmen; with their Wives and Children, went ro see the Ape, who was sitting on a Table with a Chain about his Neck: To whom Mr. Mayor (because he was the King's Ape) put off his Hat, and made a Leg; but Jack let him pass unregarded; But Mrs. Mayoress coming next in her clean Linen, laid her hands before her Belly, and like a Woman of good Breeding, made a low Curtsy; whilst Jack (still Courtier-like) though he respected not the Mayor, yet to show his kindness for his Wife, he put forth his paw towards her, and made a Mouth; which Mrs. Mayoress perceiving, said, Husband, I think in my Conscience that the King's Ape doth Mock me; Whereat Jack made another Mouth at her: Which Mr. Mayor espying, Was very angry, saying, Sirrah, thou Ape, I do see thy sauciness, and if the rest of the Courtiers have no more manners than thou hast, they have all been better fed than taught: How thou camest to be the King's Ape, I know not; for I believe thou art a Jacobite in thy heart, or else thou wouldst behave thyself with more Reverence before his Lieutenant: And I will make thee know before thou goest hence, That this Woman is my Wife, and an Ancient Woman, and a Midwife, and one that might have been thy Mother for Age. In this rage, Mr. Mayor went to the Inn-Door, where the Jack-an Apes' Master was gathering Money as fast as he could: To whom Mr. Mayor said, Sir, Do you allow your Ape to abuse my Wife? No, Sir, said he, by no means: Why truly Sir, said the Mayor, there is Witness enough within, that have seen him make Mops and Mows at her, as if she were not worthy to wipe his Shoes; and I will not so put it up: Upon which, the Ape's Master replied, Sir, I will presently give him Condign Punishment; and strait he took his Whip into his hand, and holding the Ape by the Chain, he gave him half a dozen such Jerks as made the Ape's Teeth to chatter in his Head, like so many Virginal-Jacks: Which Mr. Mayor perceiving, ran to him, and held his hands, saying, Enough, enough, good Sir; You have done like a Gentleman; let me entreat you not to give Correction in your Wrath: And I pray you and your Ape, after the Play is done, to come to my House, and Sup with me and my Wife, where you shall be very Welcome. When once a Fool rules in a Corporation, He makes himself the Byword of the Nation. The Ninth Tale. Of the Countryman and the Physician. A Countryman and Neighbour of mine, that lives near Sittenburn, had a Wife that was always out of order, and never well, (which had reduced the poor Man to a very low Condition.) Once she persuaded her Husband (who was a very ignorant Man) to carry her Water to a Doctor, new come into those parts, of great Reputation for many Remarkable Cures said to be by him performed. Accordingly the Husband goes one Morning with her Water, and being had into the Room where he was, Good morrow to your Worship Master Confusion, says he; Physician, thou wouldst say, said the Doctor: Truly, said the Countryman, I am no Schollard, but altogether unrude, and ingrum, and my Wife having pissed in a Pottle-Pot, I have brought it to your Doctorship, beseeching you to taste her Water: So the Doctor took the Water and put it into an Urinal, and having viewed it, he said, My Friend I find thy Wife is very weak; I found that myself long ago, said the Countryman, for I have kept a wench this Quarter of a Year, to lead her up and down the House; I did'nt bring her Water to know that. Was you ever with any Doctor before, says the Physician? Yes, indeed, Sir, says he, with many a one, to my cost: What did they tell you her Distemper was, says the Doctor? Truly Sir, they tell me she's in a Presumption; Consumption, thou shouldst say, said the Doctor: I told you before, said the Countryman, I didn't understand your allegant Speeches; but I believe yow'n speak true enough; for she has well nigh consumed all that ever I had: Well, said the Doctor, but does she keep her Bed? No truly Sir, said the Countryman, for being hard put to't for Money, I was fain to sell her Bed a Fortnight ago. isn't she very costive, said the Doctor? Costly, says the Countryman? Your Worship's in the right on't there, indeed; for she has Cost me all that I have upon her already: Said, the Doctor, You mistake me, Friend, I don't say Costly, but Costive; I mean is she lose or bound? Indeed Sir, said the Countryman, she's bound to me during term of Life: And I am bound to her too, the more's my Sorrow. I but prithee, says the Doctor, tell me plainly, how does she go to Stool? Just as she goes to a Chair, Sir, says he: I am fain to have one to lead her: Pshaw! says the Doctor, thou dost not apprehend me yet; I see I must be plain, to make thee understand; how does she go to Shit? Why truly Sir, says he, as other Folks do; the Backward way; she has a free Passage behind still: But I mean, says the Doctor, almost angry, is it thick or thin? O, as to that, says he, in the Morning 'tis so thick you may cut it with a Knife; and at Night 'tis so thin, your Worship may Eat it with a spoon. Although the Clown and Doctor disagree, Both Fool and Knave the one and th' other be. These Tales made the Time pass away so pleasantly, that we were arrived at Gravesend sooner than we expected: Which hindered some Passengers from Telling other Pleasant Stories. But several of us being to return to London again in a day or two, We promised one another, that if we should be so happy as to meet together again, we would then renew our Conversation. FINIS.