Al-Man-Sir OR, RHODOMONTADOES OF THE Most Horrible Terrible and Invincible CAPTAIN Sr Fredrick Fight-all. English and French. Flectere si nequeo Superos, Acheronta movebo. If that the Gods want lend an ear, than Hell Shall quake when I my dreadful stories Tell. LONDON, Printed by Peter Lillicrap, for Philip Briggs living in Mermaid Court at the lower end of Pater-noster-row. 1672. The most incomparable Sir Frederick Fight-All to the Reader. Reader, I Suppose thee both Noble and Valiant, or else thou wouldst not presume to handle this Book, or hazard thy understanding in reading such, and so many prodigious Achievements contained therein. To hear of thousands killing thousands, is no more than the death of one man by another, but for a single person to slay a thousand, and they all Emperors, Kings, and Princes is a work impossible for any but me Sir Frederick Fight-All: I can outdo, what e'er was heretofore accounted Fabulous, and incredibly dangerous; were the Centaur living, I would make him crawl away upon his Hands for safety, leaving his Headless Horse a sacrifice to my Fury. O that I could but see whether one of the Cadmean Race durst peep his Head above ground, I would quickly make him hid himself in the next cavern to the Centre. This may be proved, and more, from what I have done, the truth whereof, if any are such impudent Infidels as to question, let them be rammed through the body of the Earth, that the Antipodes may satisfy their unbelief. It is a thing for School boys to admire a Garagantua, a Mandevill, a Scarecrow Drake, with puny deeds of Chivalry, poor Pigmy-Crane oppugnors! Let Mars and Hercules astonished stand, Hearing the direful deeds of my right hand. Methinks I could unhinge the Poles, and were they not too big to grasp, I would tear the World to Rags. It hath been hitherto for the sake of my own Country, (which Cannibals admire for giving me breath) that I did not wish (as Archimedes did, that Rodamontado Kick-shaw compared to me) that I might find some other Footing, than what is common to Mortals, that I might twirl the giddy Inhabitants of this World into a perpetual motion. Many such trifles I'm ashamed to own, Which are but foils to deeds which I have done. Let it suffice to give you an account why I describe my own Heroic Actions, and not leave it to the care of my admirers: Caesar writ the Commentaries of his own victorious Life, then why should not I write mine; He was afraid some detracting Writer might lessen his Worth to men, but my Fear is they would over-value mine to the Gods, and so by jealousy incense their Deities, to whom I shall ever bear an amicable respect, whilst I am the Bulwark of Christendom, and the most Invincible Sir Frederick Fight-All. From Hercules' Pillars the 5th. of the Month Javan. To the Elli-mi-hammi-rammi-ziragian Elixir, and Deusnoetous Rhapfodist of Enigmatical and occult Fancy, Captain Robert (alias Jack) Pommel, Metropolitan Hydro-mel-mercurialist of Fleetstreet. SIR, I Implore your pardon on the flexed knees of that grand respect which I must show diurnally, and own you diuturnally for this Pyramidal presumption of obstetricating this Gygantick Birth, under your Pegasian, or rather heliconian Patronage. Your rash Negation will but irritate Al-Man-Sirs, and my just passion, in denying that Protection, which the Gods have courted us to accept under the Heaven-spreading lofty Wing of Jove's Eagle, when she sits abrood on a Cloud to hatch Lightning and Thunder, with which her Master doth Tonnitruate and Fulminate the affrighted inhabitants of the Universe into a Nonentity of rational Intelligence. That Pallas was the product of Jupiter's Headache, Manu-ducted into the Society of Celestial existencies, by Vulcanian Midwifery, is an opinion not to be opposed, if we believe, no Fabulous dotage in Veterane Parnassites, or Hypocrenians: but who the Gossips were to this Jovial Offspring, comes not within the verge of our strictest indigation, if none; a great oversight in the Gods to act against approved custom. To avoid which error (for it seems the God● of old, were subject thereunto as well as Mortals) I have judiciously elected you as Godfather for the Reciprocal Reputation of you both; your lofty expressions, and Al-Man-Sirs loud actions, having already timpani●'d Fame's Cheeks into the danger of a Rupture. For at the Inauguration of your vulgar-non-intelligible-invisible conceits (invisible I call them, because they soar out of the ken of dim-sighted Mortality) Opht●olmick Fame stood on Tipto Toe, ready for the Wing, who, as soon as she heard you named, commenced her Commission thence, and flew first through England's Metrapol●s, in all the secret recesses thereof, then to its adjacent Suburb●carians, and in all places, with her Trumpet sounded the harmonious Levets of P●mm●llian Eulogies. And that your Cheek may not seem to borrow tincture from Aurora's complexion, for Patronising what cannot claim desert, or merit know, that Al-Man-Sir may boast of as much Deity as Pallas, and not inferior in Metaphysical extraction, if you observe this parallel between them: Pallas proceeded from Jove's Head, Al-Man-Sir from Mars h●s Buttocks, by a slash in Battle, the first and Virgin cut of that bloody, yet bawdy Cornuter, thus you see he was begot by a Sword, conceived in a wounds Womb, and obstetticated, with the blood which flowed from the profundity thereof. Both their Genitors were Deities, yet differ in this, one is of the upper house, the other of the lower. My final, and ultimate request is, that you, being placed in the Zenith of sublime fancy, will so instruct this Stripling, that he may no● fall into the Nadit of low, and popular expression; cloth his understanding out of your Wardrobe of hard words, such, so difficile, long, and Syllabically extended, that each word may require an half hour in the pronunciation; and when delivered and stretched out, a whole league by the chain in length, and let them have so insufferable a sound, they may as infallibly kill, as Canonshot at the same distance. This will be a great ease to Al-Man-Sirs hands, and feet; the one will not be troubled to foot out their Revenge, nor the other to hack and hue out the way, if his tongue, by your help may be furnished with words shall kill, as sure as his Sword, by this means, that, with his Battoon, will have some respite from their bloody Sweats, and labours, and for the ease you give those dreadful Executioners, their Master shall give you the Turn-over of their future Service, and I shall daily pay you the tribute of my just admiration, whilst I am known to be, R. H. RHODOMONTADO'S I. WHen I came into the World Mars (the God of War) did sit astride my Shoulders, Hercules was at my Right Hand, and Samson on my Left. Atlas at my Thighs, Mercury on my Head, Venus in my Eyes, Cupid in my countenance, Nero in my Heart, Jupiter in all my Body. In such sort that when I walked it was with such wonderful Force and Strength I caused the Earth to tremble, the Heavens were astonished, the Wind ceased, the Sea became calm, Women big with child miscarried, Men in general every where fled before me, and the most valiant and courageous, seeing me cried out one and all: Libera me Domine. II. I Swear— Villain if I come there, I will give thee such a blow with this battoon, it shall drive thee six foot within the Earth, so that there shall nothing remain of thee above it, but thy right hand to put off thy Hat when thou shalt see me pass that way. III. CErtainly when I consider how many grace's Fortune hath endued me with, I have not time sufficient for so many considerations: For in the first place she hath heaped on me force, and overwhelmed me with strength, she hath qualified me with courage to the least punctilio, and hath formed and fashioned me out of the greatest valour. So that I am as a Colomn in France, a Bastion in Spain, a Fortress in Italy, a Castle in England, a Citadel in Germany, a Tower in Poland, a Rock in Armenia, a Wall in Denmark. To be short I am generally better qualified then all the men in the world, being a refined metal taken out of the bowels of the fat of the Earth and conceived by generosity. iv I Swear by the bones of the Sun it is as impossible for my right hand to strike any with my Battoon, and not to kill, as for the Sun to cease from running his daily course through the Heaven. V TRuly (and without swearing by the beard of my great Grandfather) I do not believe there is any thing in the whole world, which can equal the horrible, dreadful and furious terribility of my courage. And what is there think you in the whole world which will not honour and obey me, if so that I can make the earth tremble, the Heaven's afraid, the Stars to disappear, the savage beasts of lofty Mountains, and craggy Rocks to hid themselves therein. And moreover the birds which people the Airy Region, the Fish whose Kingdom is the sea, and men the most valiant and courageous, with one sole angry glance of my eye, I reduce them to the Chaos of their first principles. VI GO to my Cook, and tell him, it is my command that he spit me immedately a dozen and half of Demi-canon, larded with Pi●es, Muskets, and Halberds, which I have taken from my enemies in pitched Battles, and let there be the Bandeleers of a Foot-company to hang about instead of Sausages, having done this, let him put over the Grid-Iron, and broil me three or four dozen of Carbines, with a score or two of pocket Pistols, fried with Brimstone, and Saltpetre sauce, and then come and sup with me, for this is the Food which I am accustomed to feed on. VII. I Am King of Paladins, the terror of the World, the flower of the Nobility of Rhodomontadoes, Furioso's, Superboso's, Rolands, and oliver's, beautified with infinite Graces, fait as an Angel, the heart and courage of Lucifer, a Servant to the mighty Queens of the Earth, a Friend to distressed Ladies, and the Sovereign Prince of the Anthropophagis or Man-Eaters. VIII. ONe day in battle I found out the Queen of the Amazons, she seeing me resolved that I should fall by no other hand than that of so great and mighty a Queen, and thereupon razed her hand with her Sword therein, but I not willing to lose any time struck her, at which she fell to the Earth; then taking her by the hair of the head I threw her with such fury and force that she flew to the fifth Heaven, and fell upon Mars as he was sporting with Venus, the fall of whom broke his head. Venus' being greatly afraid cried out for help, at whose cry the Gods came running to her aid, but were much astonished when they saw Mars stretched out upon the place. Hereupon Jupiter thrust his head through the casement, and saw me distributing wounds among my enemies with so much anger and fierceness that the fire which flew from every blow, resembled another Mont-Gibel or Aetna: Therefore Jupiter said to all his Brother Gods that none of them should stir or make any further noise of what was done, since it might be supposed, that he which had killed Mars the God of War, was every whit as able to kill the rest of the Gods which yet remained living. IX. HAve a care Sits, stand back there at a distance, till I have put on my Cloak, for the very wind that comes from the bare Cape thereof is sufficient to fan ye five hundred leagues distant from the Pyrenean Mountains. X. IF my Sword could express what wonders it hath done, yet w●uld it want time to discover all. What is it if not that, which hath peopled all the Churchyards in the Universe? What is it, if not my Toledo which hath enriched the Surgeons of this Terrestrial Globe? What is it that hath sent so many continually to the Sword-cutlers? What is that which hath cut in pieces the best coat of Mail? What is that which so derides the Bucklers of Barcelona, which hews the cabaces of Calatayud if not my Sword. For it did cut the Head-piece vizors of Almazen with as much ease, as if they had been made of a Melon or Cucumber. XI. THese twenty years my Sword hath provided for me, by which I am feared of men and beloved of Women. XII. ONe told me that the Grand Seignor had committed lately great slaughters among the Christians depriving them in a barbarous manner of their Legs and Arms, but if I come there, I shall soon cool his courage, for I know by the living bones of my Father, he will no sooner see m●, but he will lay on his own life violent hands, to avoid falling into mine. XIII. WHen I speak my voice penetrates the depths of Hell, where ever I appear, the World offers me a free subjection from East to West. It is well known, that where ever I am my Bedstead is made of the ribs of Giants, the ticking of my bed is filled with the Moustachoes of the Masters of the Camp to the Grand Turk, my Bolster with the Brains which I boxed out of the heads of his Captains, my are made of the Hair of Amazons, my coverlids are composed of Switzers-beards, my curtains of the hair of the eyebrows and eyelids of Hungarians and Germans, and the wall of my lodging is built not only with the pieces of Head-pieces but the entire heads of the standard bearers to the Queen of England, which I lopped off with my dreadful and formidable Sword, the floor of my house instead of Brick is paved with Janazaries Teeth, my tapestry are the skins of Arabians and Sorcerers whom I unbarkt with the point of my Dagger, the tiles which cover my house are the nails of Monarches and Kings, whose bodies long since in despite of them and those miserable carcases they endeavoured to defend, with a kick of my Foot I tumbled into their sepultures. XIV. SCorning to draw my Sword against a bravado English Captain, I gave him such a kick in the breech, that he mounted into the Air and knocked his head against the Sun with such great force, that he was the cause of its Eclipse for five days; immediately this Captain kneeled before Jupiter, praying him to pardon me all my offences, in recompense of the kindness I had done him, by that kick of the Arse I had given him, which sent him to Heaven among the Stars, since it lay in my power to send him as far (a contrary way) to Hell among the damned. XV. WIth one single hair of my Moustachos which I will dart at thee, I will make so great a gap in thy body that the whole Infantry of Spain, and Cavalry of France shall be able to pass through without touching either the one side of thee or the other. XVI. LAdy of my heart command me something which belongs to my Profession, for I swear to you by the great snaggy Tooth of Cerberus, to defy for your sake ten men together, and would scorn to fly, came there as many more. Command me to kill one, two, three, four, fifty, or sixty persons: to cut off the Legs, Arms, or gash the Face of any one that dares equal herself to you, for these things shall be sooner done then commanded. XVII. WIth this most redoubted Sword, I ruin, I set on fire, and put all into a flame, triumphing over Armies, laying waste Cities, Castles, Towers, Walls, and invincible Fortresses. With my presence I make Jove hid himself, Mercury fly, Cupid tremble, Mars disguise and tranform himself, and make him stand and seem take the Tribute, which Venus gives me, to let him know and see, I'm more her Gallant now than Herald XVIII. WHere ever I am Death is continually with me, because he finds more profit from me, then if he were General of one hundred thousand men to fight the Turk or Devil. He knows it well and therefore continually follows and accompanies me in the conquest of the Kingdoms of the Grimanians, Dicenians, Dinamians, Alopitiars Pitanians and Espinomenians, so that to sp●ak the truth, without his company I should walk alone, because I find none like me, and none I like but him. XIX. AS the World is divided into four parts three whereof Africa, Asia, and Europe, and these three are encompassed and environed by the Sea, so my heart is divided into three other parts, of a Nature affable, terrible, and cruel, and these three parts are surrounded not with Water, but with living Flames of scorching fire. And as the fire is, so is (by reason of Love) my heart, by which means I am so intaged that with three blows of this my good chopping blade, the fore-stroke, backblow, and thrust, I could slay all mankind, making Rivers of blood longer than Ganges, broader than the Po, and more terrible than the Cataracts of Nile. But the World may be thankful I am in love, for but a little while before I was so, I killed every day for a whole Month, three or our dozen persons, and but even now I killed more than half a score, only to show the greatness of affection to my Mistress. XX. I Have in me the nature of a Basalisks and something more; for if he with his looks can kill one, I when angry with mine, can destroy an hundred, as if my eyes were Cannon Chain shot. XXI. IF that true valour which my soul possesseth could be purchased by Money, all Traffic would cease by Sea and Land, and no more talk of Merchants or their commodities. For every one would then labour and employ their industry to the utmost, who should get the greatest share in me, one would aim at one of my Arms, another a Leg, one a Finger, a fourth a Nail, a fifth a Hair of my eyelids, and this to no other end, than that he might become valiant. But I rejoice that this cannot be by any means affected, because it is one of the greatest causes of the very great repose and quiet of all those Kings, Monarches, and Princes, which are all my very good friends. XXII. WHo is so shamelessly impudent, as not to fall in love with this strong thigh of mine, with this powerful arm, with this breast, stuffed with valour and courage, with this face, fairer and more pleasant than that of Ganymede, Dido, or Absalon. XXIII. MY Bawd, my old Whore Fortune, gave me some offence; so that I became more displeased with her than formerly, she was beloved by me, in so much that if she performed not her Articles with me, I swore by Pluto's Horns, by the beard of Mars, by Samsons Whiskers, and by Mahomet's Alcoran, that I will deprive her of her Prerogative of mutability, and inconstancy, and as to her body, with one shock I will dispatch her to Terra Incognita, her Limbs so shattered, that at the very instant of her arrival thither, she shall be reduced to powder, which shall be by some or other gathered and preserved for my use, that is, to throw as dust or Sand on those Letters I send to my Mistress. XXIV. I Have in two days more augmented the Stygian Kingdom of Pluto, and peopled with Subjects his black, dark, and smoky Realm, than ever did Rodomont, Rolant, Renand, Mandrigard and Radamante, having made the hearts of more valiant and courageous men in a thousand and a thousand places to tremble; let those which inhabit the East, West, North and Equanoctial Line be my Witnesses. XXV. THe great Turk is much afraid of my valour, for my Arm hath given him to know more than ten Armies joined together: for being one day in the War of the Venetians against the Grand Seignor, I gave Abenhamet Master of the Camp so great a blow that I st●uck his Head off his Shoulders, with the stroke it immediately hoped to Constantinople,, carrying thither the news of the loss of the Turkish Army. When the Inhabitants of that great City, saw the Head without a Body, they all fled into their houses, making fast their doors, with such dread none would venture to stir out in six years for fear of me, till that I according to my accustomed magnificence gave them permission to appear abroad and walk as they were wont to do, which accordingly was performed. XXVI. WHen I walk in the streets of the City a thousand Ladies run to meet me; one takes me violently by the Cape of my Cloak, another gives me a wink, another beseecheth me to sup with her, another makes me a present, another kisseth my hands, and blesseth that Mother that brought me into the World, adjudging herself the happiest of Women, may she have the opportunity of lying with me but one night, to no other end, then that she may have a child of the race, of so great and worthy a personage as myself. XXVII. IF the force of my members was distributed among faint hearted persons, and seditious Spirits, the World would be put into a general revolt, and nothing would be seen therein, but Battles, and Conquests; the Bells never heard, day nor night, but for the interment of some dead body. Surgeons would never stir out of their houses, but to heal the wounds of Swords, cut and thrust, and to reunite Fractures or bones broken. Divines would be continually employed in comforting Widows for the loss of their Husbands, Children for the loss of their Parents, and young Women in the death of their Sweethearts. XXVIII. BY the stately gravity of my Forefathers, I cannot but laugh when I think on the ignorance of the Gods in Deifying Hercules, and giving him the appellation of one of them, calling him God, and this only because he slew an Hydra, twisted an Horn out of a Bulls-head, cut in pieces a Dragon, overcame a Lion, and destroyed the Centaur and fierce Boars. Because through fear he made the Harpies to fly, and killed Cete and Achelois, conquered Diomelles King of Thrace, and defeated Gereone Queen of the Amazons, and lastly because he erected those Columns which are now called Hercules Pillars. In effect these things are nothing but mere fables, and the ●ctions of young Girls compared with m● f●rce and courage, who had neither the puissance of Da●ius King of the Persians, nor of Alexand●● the great; nor of Samson the strong, nor the powerfulness of the Trojan Hector, nor of valiant Achilles, nor of Roland the Furious, nor of stout Gridace nor of sturdy Sacripant●, nor of terrible Mandricard, nor of famous Roger, nor of strong Agrican, nor of horrible Rodomont. None of these ever equalised my horrible, formidable and invincible courage. XXIX. IF I come to thee, with my Foot I will kick thee so high into the Air, that hadst thou with thee ten Cart load of bread, thou shouldst be in greater fear of starving then falling. XXX. MY Arm trembles when I deliberate with myself what to do for my Mistress, for continually I am thinking how I may render her content, and can never obtain it. The last night I dreamt, in favour of her, I fought ten men, six whereof I killed: one of those that fled which saved his Life, in gratitude to my mercy, cut off his Left Arm, and laid it at my Feet. But how much better shall I do such things in the day when I am awake, if any one shall take the boldness on him to touch her slipper. XXXI. ONe day playing with Destiny, in the presence of Time, Fortune, and Nature, we wrangled about a Cast, in such manner, that I laid my hand on my Sword. Time, Fortune, and Nature, which were Friends to Destiny, interposed between us to keep the Peace. But I which am truly stout extended my Right Foot, and gave Time such a kick I sent him to the Skies, with another I tumbled down to the Earth; where she now lieth; Fortune I divided in the middle, throwing one half of her where the Sun riseth, and the other half where he sets. I gave also Nature such a backblow, that the wound to this day is incurable, through which all the Year long issue Rivers of Blood. XXXII. ONe day recreating myself at Ball, I struck it with such force that it flew to the third Heaven, falling and trundling before the Gods, which were then and there assembled in Council; the one looking on the other were greatly astonished, not being able to utter one word, till such time as their senses were returned to them; and then they concluded it requisite, Jupiter should descend to the Earth, and kneel before me, and quitting his Sceptre and Crown, should humbly devote it to my service, Venus should proffer herself to be my Chambermaid, Mars my Laquay, and Mercury my Pander. XXXIII. BEing desirous Pluto should pay me that tribute which other Kings pay me, I went straight to Hell, where I found him walking, accompanied with five hundred and forty six millions, three hundred ninety and six thousand Legions of Devils which followed him. And as soon as he saw me afar off, he immediately advanced towards me to render himself my Prisoner. Then I laid my hand on my Sword; Pluto perceiving me in a passion, and having known who I was fled immediately, and sunk into the profound depths of Hell with all his Followers, commanding strictly the Gates thereof to be close shut, and locked. I for my part resolved to be obeyed, & walking to the Gates, I sneezed them open, and thereupon entered. In a moment I took Prisoner, Grand Satan, Prince Pluto, and fair Proserpina, whose hands I firmly bound with an hair of my Moustacho. Nevertheless seeing the tears they shed, and lamentations which they made, I made use of the ancient magnificence of my nature, and unbinding them set them all at liberty. XXXIV. I Had one day a quarrel with a French Gentleman, who defied me, saying, draw if thou darest, considering with myself that I am all courage, refused so to do, because the French being cold, and without choler, I might have given him five hundred thrusts, and as many slashes, without killing him; but as for me, who am wholly filled, and made up of Courage and Choler, with the least blow in the World, he might have sent me to the Devil. XXXV. BEing on a time without the Trenches of Ostend, a Cannon-bullet entered my Mouth, loosening two of my Teeth without farther harm. At the same time being full of anger, I took the Bullet into my hand, and throwing it against the enemy, by chance it fell against a Tower on the Wall, the which by that means in a moment was reduced to dust, ●illing to the number of one thousand fifty and five Soldiers which guards it. XXXVI. ON a time I entered Hell, where I found sitting at a Table, Pluto, Proserpina, and Death; they seeing me in their dark, dismal Cell, were struck with an amazing Fear, but knowing their want of Courage comparative to mine, and to dismiss their Fear, without sitting down, I presently danced before them a Levant, according to the French fashion, cutting a caper somewhat too high, my head broke through the roof of Hell, and so past out, the noise whereof made ●he City of Constantinople to tremble, and tumbled into ruins, eight hundred and eighty five houses in the next Town. XXXVII. I Myself Hercùles, Death, and Cupid, by chance traveled one day together, each of us had his Bow and Quiver; and made a bargain, that he which should do the greatest execution, should have the greatest Honour. Hercules began first, and with his Bow and Arrows, killed all the Panthers, Lions, Tigers, Bears, Wolves, Bulls, Camels, and Elephants, with all sorts of Wild beasts. Cupid took his Bow next, in drawing of which he made Gods, Giants, Amazons, Men, and Devils to fall up to the Ears in Love, I only excepted on whom the God of Love had no power. Death next resolved to try what he could do, and with the flight of his Arrow killed all the Creatures on the Earth. I at last disdaining them all, and being in a very great passion, I resolved to be revenged on them, so taking an Arrow, I shot and killed Death, Cupid and Hercules. XXXVIII. MAdam and Mistress of my Life, be neither jealous, nor displeased, that I am sought after, and beloved of so many Ladies, and Princesses, for in so doing, they but abuse themselves and lose their time. I do not love or affect any other but your Highness (dear Mistress) since that you are endued with more beauty than Diana, with more graces and better mien than Pallas, with more sweetness th●n Venus; despising these three Sovereign Goddesses, you are alone that proper object, to which I dedicate my heart. Consider then that I love you, and do not forsake me for another, since that I am more than a Gentleman. And if you will be married to me, I swear by the Faith of a Captain, and by the Life of the King my Father (for I never knew any other name He had) to get on you the first night, a regiment of Soldiers, which shall conquer the World. XXXIX. I Kiss the Soles of the Feet of your Highness, Mistress of my Heart, Princess of my Breast, Duchess of both Arms, Marquis of my Courage, Countess of my Valour, Queen of my Strength; and absolute Dame of my whole Person. XL. ARriving near Constantinople, I understood that fifty Snips were just entering into the Port, I presently betook myself to a place where I might most commodiously board them, but as they approached near, I was constrained by a fit of a through-gonimble to let down my breeches, and planting my Globular Posteriors towards the Water, to the intent that I might free myself from that violent Colic, which then seized me, I did let so great a Fart, that it razed as great a storm as hath been seen on the Oc●an, which blew one hundred and fifty Vessels, with such tempestuous Fury t●●● they were wracked against the 〈…〉 XLI. IT is true I am ill clad, but it is neither carelessness, nor extreme poverty which obligeth me to appear in this manner, but a solemn vow, not to buy any kind of stuff, to make me a suit, till first I have found one hundred and fi●ty doz●n of the Heads of my Enemies, that they may serve instead of a set of Buttons, for my Suit, also the Boyaux instead of Lace thereon. XLII. Mar being overjoyed to have met with me, asked if I were willing to pass away the time with him at Picquet, but I answering him, that my recreations lay in more violent exercises, he thought himself obliged to propound to me a Game at Ball, which I accepted o●; as he was about to find out a B●ll for himself, he was amazed to see me take the Terrestrial Globe, and struck it so violently, that it mounted almost to Heaven, where Jupiter being aston sht, sent Mercury speedily away to apprehend the cause of this sudden accident, and just as he was descending, I st●uck the Earth the second time on the rebound, in such sort, that rencountring the messenger of the Gods, it broke his Nose, he striking it back to me, made it fly against the Face of the Moon so strongly, that it made it as flat as a Milan. Chee●e. XLIII. IT is said that Hercules got an hundred Maidenheads in one night, but I was more valiant than that Whoremaster, for in five hours' time I begat an hundred Hercules. XLIV. Mar puffed up with vain presumption, and being so impudent to attribute to himself in my presence, that glory which my valour had lawfully acquired, made me so angry; that in the height of my fury, I took him by the Foot, and twirled him into the Air, making him move circularly with such rappid violence that before he fell, he made more turn and roundings in the Air, than the Heavens hath done since the first day of its Creation. XLIV. I Swear I am almost distracted, since I despair of finding a man that shall cry me mercy. All my pride consists in finding a man on whom I may discharge my passion and revenge; but I see it is impossible, since their swift flight secures them from my Fury. How can I then demonstrate my power, since none against me dates make opposition. XLV. BY the blood of those many Giants I have slain, I know not what Death to inflict on two Rascals, that looked a skew on me as I walked in the streets. In order thereunto, I examined my Magazine where I found six hundred sixty and five several instruments of War, out of which I endeavoured to choose one most agreeable to my purpose. The Armour I usually wore was so cut and slashy, that like a Beggar's ragged Coat, 'twould hardly hang together, wounded in every part without blood shed. At last I resolved to bastinado them sound, that I might give some respite and rest to my blood thirsty Sword and Dagger. XLVI. WHat is it that I fear in Asia, Europe, and Africa? were the Alps set on the Shoulders of the Pyrenean Mountains, seven Dragons, eight Elephants, ten Tigers, twenty two Lions, sixty five Bulls, with all the Swi●zers in France to guard them, I would ascend to their utmost height by the slaughter of them all. XLVII. MY Shoemaker one morning brought me home a pair of Shoes too straight fo● my Feet, which so enraged me, that with a blow I struck him so far into the Earth, that I made a passage into Pluto's Kingdom. Hereupon Belzebub, Satan, Pluto, Barrabas, Judas, with a many more Princes of those obscure tenebrosities, w●re strangely startled; Cerberus barked, Proserpina tore her Hair, weeping most bitterly, because she saw the affrighting Light, invade her dark Kingdom. The little Devils hid themselves here and there, and some of them fled away, part whereof live at this time in the Air, (and are called Aiereal Spirits) others dwell on the Earth (and are called Subterraneau) daily tormenting the combatants thereof. XLVIII. MAdam you may justly lay aside the name of Dame Beatrice, and assume for the time to come that of Empress, Queen, Princess, Marquess, Countess, etc. Since my two thighs, those Herculean Pillars, which sust in the whole World, are at your serve, I would say this (British o●) C●stillian body crammed with the valour of courageous Men of War, which makes this breast; and this arm more strong th●n the Tower of Babylon, and chief when it is assisted with this my redoubted Sword because the fire which proceeds from it, penetra●es farther, and surpasseth by much in splendour the bright Rays of the illuminating Sun. XLIX. I Am the Man alone which is void of fear, threatening the Sky, and the Air, the Fire and the Earth, Jupiter and Hell, as far as the Elements I desire to wage War with them. I value not a Tempest, a Thunderbolt, Lightning; nor Thunder, and before it be long, I will make myself Grand Seignor of the upper Regions, and the lower. I both will and can do it, for my power is proportionable to the Enterprise. RHODOMONTADO'S I. QVand ie vins au monde, Mars m'entra dans les espaules, Hercules dedans le bras droit, Samson au gauche, Atlas és iambes, Mercure en la teste, Venus aux yeux, Cupidon en mon visage, Neron en mon coeur, jupiter en tout le corps. De maniere qu'auec l'abondance de ma force quand ie chemine, ie fais trembler la terre, le Ciel s'espouuante, le vent cesse, & lamer deuient calme les femmes grosses auortent, les hommes fuyent qui deçà qui delà, & les plus vaillans & courageux voyans ma presence disent tou● d'vne voix: Libera me Domine. II. IE jure Dieu, vilain, si it vois là ie te donneray un tel coup anec ce baston, queie te feray entrer six pieds dedans laterre, telliment qu'il ne restera rien detoy horsd'icelle que ton bras droit, pour m'oster ton chapean lors que tu me verras passer. III. CErtainement quae quand ie considere, combien la fortune ● ' a do●e de graces, le temps me defaut à faire toutes ces considerations: pource qu' elle m'ae premierement co●ble de forces, elle m'a quallifiè de courage, elle m'a fabriqué de tres grande valeur: comme une Colomne en France, un Bastion en Espagne, une Forteresse en Italy, un Chasteau en Angleterre, une Citadelle en Allemagne, une Tour en Polongue, une Roque ●n Armenia, une Muraille en Dannemarc, & ●'a or né generalement sur tous les hommes du mo●de, moy qui suis un metail purifié sorty des entrailles de la grasse de la terre & eng●●dré de gener●sité. IV. IE iure parles os du Soleil, qu'il n'est pas plus possible à mon bras dextre de donner coups de baston sans tuer, que au Soleil de cesser de faire sa course par le Ciel. V. VEritablement ie ne croy pas qu'ü y ait chose au monde qui puisse esgaler l'horrible, espounentable & furiense terribilité de mon courage. Et quelles sont ces choses creées en ce monde, qui m'honorent & obeyssent, si moy avec ma grand force ie fay trembler la terre, espouuenter le Ciel, secher les planettes, cesser levent, arrester la mer, les bestes des hautes montagnes, & les bestes sauuages qui habitent és petites montagnettes ou colines se caches en icelles. Et qui plus est les oyseaux qui volent par l'air, les poissons qui nagent en la mor, & les hommes les plus vaillans & courageux avec un soul regard de mes yeux ie les mets en la sepulture. VI. ALlez à mon Cuisinier, dites lay qu'il mette en la broche douzaine & demie de coups d'artilleries lardez avec infinies tronçons de picques & hallebardes, que i'ay surmonté en ce monde: & deux ou trois douzaines de mousquets & pislolets sur le gril, & vous viendrez souper avec moy. Car c'est la viande de laquelle i'ay accoustumé de manger. VII. IE suis Roy des Paladins, la terreur du monde, la fleur de la noblesse des Rodomonts, Rolands, & Renaud, doüé d'infinies graces, beau comme un Ange, coeur & courage de Lucifer, seruiteur des Dames, & Prince souuerain de la compagnie des matois. VIII. VNiour ie trowé en vn● bataille la Foyne des amazons, l●quelle me voulant tuer de son espée, haussa le bras, & moy sans perdre temps ie luy coupè, & aussi tost la ietté par terre puis la prenant par les cheveux ie la iette de telle fu●ie & violence en l'air qu'elle donna & passa insques au cinquiéme Ciel, rer contrant Mars qui joüoit aux cent avec Venus, auquel elle r●mpit la teste. Vtnus grandement espounentée, s'●scria demandant setours, & à son cry accour●nt tous les dieux, lesquels demeurerent fort estonnez voyans Mars estendu sur la place. Lors jupiter mist la teste à la fenestre, & me vit iettant coups d'espec contre mes ennemis de telle cholere, que le feu qui sortoit d'icelle sembloit este un aeutre Mont-Gibel ou d'Ethne. Partant J●piter dit a tous les Dieux, qu'il ne se remuassent ou fiss●nt aucun bruit, d'autant que celuy qui auoit tue Ma s estoii assez suffisant pour t●er encore tout autant de Dieux qui restoient en v●e. IX. GArdez-vous (mes Seigneurs) retirez vous un peu iusques à ce que i'aye mis ma cape ou manteau, pource que le vent d'icelle est suffisant pour vous enuoyer cinquantes lieuës loin par delà les monts Pyrenées. X. SI mon espée pouuoit dire ce qu'elle fait, le temps luy defaudroit pour en discorrir. Qui est-ce sinon elle, qui peuple plus tous les cymetieres qui sunt au monde? Qui est-ce qui fait riche les Chirurgiens de ceste terrc? Qui est ce qui donne continuellement de la besongne pour trauailler aux armuriers? Qui est-ce qui rompt la maille plus fine? Qui est-ce qui se mocque des boucliers de Barcelona, qui' taille les cabacez de Calatayud sinon elle? Carles casquets d'Almazen elle les coupe autant facilement comme s'ils estoient fatis de melon. XI. ILy a vingt ans que cette espée me donne à manger. Par elle ie suis craint des hommes: & aimé des femmes. XII. ON m'a dit que'le grand Turc commet plusieurs meurtres, qu'il coupe iambes & bras: mais par la vie des os de mon pere, si ie voy là il n'aura plus de hàrdiesse: pource que voyant devant luy ma prosence, il se donneray luy-mesme la mort de fa propre main, afin qu'il ne vienne à tomber és miennes. XIII. AVec une seule voix ie penetreray & enforceray l'Enfer, & de maseule presence i'assuietti● ay tout le monde depuis l'Orient iusques à l'Occiden, mesme que ie le pilleray, & ravageray & me●tray en pieces les hommes qut sont nais en iceluy. Puis on sçait par tout que ie suis. Que i'ay mon lict dressés●r des costes de Geants, les matlas sont remplis de moustaches de Maistres de Camp du grand Turc, & les Traversins de ceruelles qu' à coups de soufflers i'ay tirez de la teste de Capitaines, les draps sont tissus de cheneux d'Amazones, les conuertures de barbes de Swisses, les courtines de sourcils, & paupieres de Hongres & Allemans: Et la muraille de mon logis est bastie de pieces tant de casques que de testes entieres des Porte enseignes de la Royne d'Angleterre, lesquelles i'ay trenchees avec ceste crainte & formidable espee: le plancher dema maison est en lieu de carreaux accommode de dents de Ianiceres: La tapisserie sont peaux d'Arabes & sorciers que i'ay escorchez avec la pointe de ma dague & les tuilles qui conurent ma maison sont ongles de Monarques & Roys, les corps desquels il y a ià longs temps qu'en despit d'eux & á leurs corps deffendant, i'ay mis a coups de pied en la sepulture. XIV. IE mesprise de mettre la main à l'espée contre vnbrauache Capitaine Anglois ié luy donné un tel coup de pied, qu'il alla frapper de sa teste dans le Soleil de telle force, ce qu'il le fit eclipser l'espace de quinze iours, & de là en apres ce Capitaine s'est agenoü illé deuāt jupiter le priant de me pardonner mes pechez en recompense de ce qu'avec ce coup de pied ie l'auois mis au Ciel avec les estoilles, moy le povant envoyer en enfer avec les malheureux & damnez esprits. XV. AVec un poil de ces moustaches que ie te ietteray, ie feray une telle ouverture en ton corps, que toute l'Infanterie Espagnolle & la Caualerie Francoise asseront au travers sans toucher a l'un ny à l'autre costé a'icelle. XVI. DAme de mon coeur, commondez moy quelque chose qui soit de ma vocation: car ie vous iure par la grosse dent de Cerbere de deffier pour l'amour de vous dix hommes ensemble, & quand il en viendroit d'auantage ie ne m'en voudrois fuir. Commandez moy de tuer un, deux, trois, quatre, cinquante, soixante personnes: couper iambes, bras, taillarder le visage de quelqu' une, qui se soit osé esgaler à vous: car ces telles choses seront plustost faites qu'elles n'auront esté commandées. XVII. AVec cette tres redoutée espée, ie ruine, i'embraze, & mets tout en feu, rompant les Armées, les Citez, les chasteaux, les fossez, les Tours, les murailles, & les forteresses inexpugnables. Et avec ma presence ie fais cacher Jupiter, fuir Mercure, trembler Cupidon, desguiser & transformer Mars, & fay qu'il voise prendre le tribut que Venus me donne, pource que ie suis son amoureux. XVIII. ET quelque part que ie sois la mort est tousiours avec moy, pource quelle a plus de profit uvec moy que si elle estoit au milieu des plus sanglantes & furieuses guerres du monde, & m'a tousiours suivi & accompagné en la conqueste des Royaumes dis Grimeens, Diceens. Dinameens, Alopitiens, Pitaniens & Espinomeens, aussi que telle est la verité que sans elle ie cheminerois tousiours seul, & de nuict: pource que ie ne trouve autre qui me resemble & me plaist plus qu'elle. XIX. COmme le monde est divisé en quatre parties desquelles les trois sont Africa, Asie & Europe: & ces trois sont entourées & enuironnèes de l mer: ainsi mon coe●r est divise en trois autres parties d'vne nature affable, terrible & cruelle, & ces trois parties sont evirennées, non pas d'eau, mais de viues flammes ardantes de feu. Et comme ce feu (à cause de l'amour) si tant doux (que meilleur me seroit s'il estoit amer, a ce que ie ne tiens captiue ceste poison qui est mon coear) de mesme l'est mon coeur. Pource qu'auec trois coups de ceste bien treuchante espée l'vn donne detaille, l'autre de reuers, & l'autre de pointe, ie voudrois mettre par terre tout le genre humain faisant les ruisseaux de sang plus long que le Gange, plus large que n'est le Po, & plus terrible que le Nil. Mais que le monde remercie de ce que maintenant ie suis amoureux, car au precedent que ie le susse, ie tuois chacuu iour pour le moins trois ou quatre douzains de personnes, & maintenant ie mets a mort pas plus qu'vne douzaine & ce a cause de l'affection tres grande que je porte a ma Maistresse. XX. J'Ay en moy la nature du Basilic, & encore quelque chose de plus: car si luy avec son regard en tüe un, moy regardant les hommes avec cholere ie les fais tomber dix à dix comme si mon regard estoit des balles d'artillery. XXI. SI mon tant valeureux courage que i'ay en mon ame se pouvoit achapter à prix d'argent, il n'y auroit plus aucun trafique en la mer ny en la terre, & ne parleroit on plus de marchands ny de marchandises: personne ne se priseroit ou tacheroit plus de s'adonner à telle vacation: pour autant que tous procureroient d'employer leur industrie, pour acquerir la force d'vn de mes bras, d'vne iambe, a'vn doigt, d'vne ongle, d'vne paupiere de mon oeil, du plus petit poil de ma teste, & ce seulement pour estre vaillans: car c'est ce que maintenant on prise le plus. Mais ie me refiouys que cela ne se peut faire, à cause que cela est cause d'vn plus grand repos de tous les Roys, Monarques, & Princes qui sont tous mes amis. XXII. QVi sera ceste tres grande eshontée qui ne deviendra amoureuse de ceste forte cuisse, de ce bras puissant, de ceste poictrine plaine de toutes forces & vaillantise, de ce visage plus beau que celuy de Ganymede, que celuy de Didon, ny encore que celuy d'Absalon? XXIII. MA Maqeerelle vielle putain de fortune, n'a donné parole, que ie iovyray de cefle Dame laquelle ie suis tant amoureux, que si elle ne me tient promesse se iure par les cornes de Pluton, par la barbe de Mars, par la machoire de Samson, & par l'Alcoran de Mahomet que ie luy osteray & feray perdre toute son incōstance & variable roüe, & quant à son corps d'vne estocade ie l'enuoyray à Valdolid, brisé en tant de petites pieces, qu à l'heure qu'il arriuera, on en pourra recueillir de la poudre, pour ietter sur les lettres que ie dois enuoyer à ma maistresse. XXIV. I'Ay plus augmenté en deux iours le Royanme stigiux de Pluton, & peuplé de subiets, sa sale tenebreuse & enfumée que n'ont fait Rodomont, Rolant, Renand, Manaricard & Radamante, ayant rendu craintifs en mille & mille lieux le: coeurs plus vaillans courageux. Tesmoins en sont les Orient aux, les Septentrionaux, les Occidentaux, & ceux qui habitent le Midy. XXV. LE grand Turc a plus de crainte de ma valeur que ce bras luy a fait cognoistre qué dix armées iointes ensemble, pource que moy me trouvant un iour en la guerre des Venitiens contre le mesme grand Turc, ie donné tel soufflet à Abenhamet son Maistre de Camp, que ie luy osté la teste de sur les espaules, & du coup elle sauta jusqués en Constantinoples, y portant les nouvelles de la perte de fon armée. Et quand tous les siens virent cette teste sans corps, ils s'enfuyrent en leurs maisons fermant bien leurs portes sureux avec telle crainte que de six ans ils n'ont osé sortir dehors, pour la crainte qu'ils avoient de moy, iusques à ce que moy us ant de mon accoustumée magnificence, ie leur permis qu'ils peussent sortir librement, & se promener comme de coustume: ce que puis apres ils ont fait. XXVI. QVand ie marche par les ri●és de la Cité, mille Dames me viennent audevant; l'vne me tire par la cap●; l'autre me fait signe de l'oeil: l'autre me prie d'aller souper avec elle, un autre me fait un present: un autre me baise les mains, & benist la mere qui m'a enfanté, se reputant tres heureuse qu'elle aye en ce bon-heur de coucher une nuict avec moy, à celle sin seulement qu'elle puisse avoir un enfant de la race d'vn tant grand personnage comme moy. XXVII. SI la force de mes membres estoit departie entre personnes poltronnes & esprits mutins, le monde seroit mis tout en revolte, & ne verroit on autre chose en iceluy sinon Conquestes & Batailles; les cloches ne se sonneroient de iour & de nuict, sinon pour un signe de quelque enterrement de corps morts, les Chirurgiens ne sortiroient de leurs maisons, sinon pour recoudre les coups d'espées, guarir les estocades, en remettre & renoüer les iambes rompuës, les femmes pour pleurer la mort de leurs maris, les petits enfans la perte de leurs peres, & les ieunes Dames la disgrace qu'auroient encouru leurs amoureux. XXVIII. POur certain que ie meris quand ie me souviens de l'ignorance des Dieux, qui ont desfié Hercules, & luy ont mis le nom d'vn d'iceuz l'appellant Dieu, & ce seulement pource qu'il a tue l'Hydre, qu'il a oste la corne au Taureau, mis en pieces le Dragon, deffait le Lyou, surmonté le Centaure & le ●●er Sauglier, & aux vus & aux autres fait perdre la vie: pource qu'il a fait de crainte enfuir les Harpies, qu'il a tue Cete & Achelois, vaincu Diomedes Roy de Thrace, & deffait Geroues Royne des amazons, finablement pource qu'il a plante des Colomnes en plusieurs endroits. En effect toutes ces choses ne sont qu'vne pure fable & actions de petites femmelettes comparees avec mon courage & ma force que ny la puissance de Daire Roy des Perses, ny du grand Alexandre, surnomme le Grand, ny le fort Samson, ny le puissant Hector Troyen, ny le valeur●●x Achilles, ny le furienx Roland, ny le vaillant Gridacb, ny le galliard Sacripante, ny le terrible Mandricard, ny le fameux Roger, ny le robuste Agrican, ny l'horrible Rodoment, nul de tous ●ceux-cy ne se penvent esgaler à mon horrible, espouventable & furihonde force. XXIX. SI je voy à toy je te donneray tel coup de pied t'eslevant en haut, tellemement qu'estant chargé de dix charettes de pain tu auras plus de peur de la faim, que la cheute. XXX. LE bras me tremble de ce que je me delibere de faire pour ma Maistresse, car continuellement ie pense comme je la tiendray contente, & iamais ie n'y puis parvenir. La nuict passée ie songeois que je faisois fait d'arme● en sa faveur contre dix hommes desquels i'en tué six & de ceux qui s'enfuyrent celuy qui se sauva avec plus de santé me laissa un bras gauche à mes pieds. Puis (bon Dieu) comment le feray ie beaucoup mieux de iour moy estant esueillé, quand quelqu' un prendra la hardiesse de toucher à son patin. XXXI. MOy ioüant un iour avec la Destinée en la presence du Temps, de la Fortune & de la Nature, sur un hazard nous eusmes une difficulté: de telle maniere que ie mis la main à l'espée. Le Temps, la Fortune, & la Nature que estoient amis de la Destinée se mirent entre deux pour faire la paix. je qui suis Espagnol, ie mets le pied droit dehors, & donne un tel coup au Temps que ie le ietté entre le Ciel & la Terre où il se tient à present, & a la Fortune ie luy donné un oeillade par le milieu de la Ceinture, iettant l'vne de ses moitiez là où le Soleil se leue, & l'autre moitié où il se cache. Et quand à la Nature ie la frappé d'vn e l revers luy faisant une playe toute profonde & incurable, que ny Medicin, ny Chirurgien, ny barbier, ny Apoticaire n'ont esté assez suffisant pour la guerir: tellement que vous verrez tous les mois de l'an qu'elle jette d● sang par cette playe. XXXII. VN jour moy ioüant au Balon, je le frappé de telle force, qu'il fut porté iusques an troifième Ciel, tombant & sautillant devant les Dieux qui estoient assemblées pour tenir conseil, lesquels lors se regardans l'vn l'autre demeurerent grandement esbahis, tenant labouche ouverte sans pouvoir dire une seule parole l'vn à l'autre, jusques à ce que leurs sens estant revenus en eux, ils trouverent qu'il seroit bon que jupiter descendit en terre, & s'agenoü illast devant moy, & que quittant se● sceptre & Couronne, il s'offrist humblement à mon service, Venus pour ma servante, Mars pour mon laquais & Mercure pour mon Maquereau. XXXIII. DEsirant que Pluton me payast le tribut ordinaire que me paycroit les autres Roys, ie m'en alle droi● en l'Enfnr ou i● trouvay Pluton qui se prome noit accompagne de cinq cens & quarante cinq millions, & traize cens nonante & six mil legions a● Diables, qui le suivoient. Et aussi tost me voyant venir de loin, il s'achemine droit a moy pour se re●d●e mon prisonnier. Alors ie mis la main a l'espee● & Pluton comme il me voit in cholere, & ayant recogn● que i'estois Espagnol, il s'enfuit droit au plus profond de l'Enfer avec toute sa suite, & ferma bien les portes. Et moy voulant qu'il m'obeist, marche pas a pas comme ceux de ma nation ont de coustume, & d'vn esternuement que ie fis, ie romps toutes les portes & entre dedans. En un moment ie tris trisonnier le grand Satan, le Prince Pluton & la be●● Proserpina, ausquels ie lie fermement les maius avec un poil de cette moustache. Toutes fois voyant les larmes & lamentations qu'ils faisoient i'usay de la magnificence Espagnole, & les destache les remettant en leur liberte. XXXIV. I'Eus un iour une querelle avec un Gentil-homme François, il me desia me disant que ie misse la main à l'espée: moy qui suis du tout courageux, ne le voulus faire pource que le François estant froid & sans cholere, je luy eusse tiré cinquante estocades, & antant de coups de tailles sans le pouvoir tuer, mais à moy qui suis tout rempli & confit de courage & cholere, avec le moindre coup du monde il m'eut envoyé aux enfers. XXXV. EStant une fois hors les trenchées d'Ostende, une balle d'artillery m'entra en la bouche, m'esbranlant deux dents, sans me faire autre mal. A l'heure mesme plein de cholere ie pris cette balle en mes mains & la iettant contre les ennemis, elle tomba fortuitement contre une Tour de la muraille, laquelle fut en un moment reduite en poudre, tuant iusques à mil cinq cens cinquante & cinq Soldats qui la gardoient. XXVII. VNe fois i'en trayaux enfers, où ie trouvay assis à table, Pluton, Pros●rpine & la Mort; Ils ●urent une telle crainte me voyant en leurs tenebres, que connoissant leur peu de courage sans m'arrester je fis une cabriole à la Françoise, & avec le plus haut de mon chappeau je rompt le toict de l'Enfer, & sortant dehors, le bruit que je fis fut tant grand que la Cité de Lisbone en trembla, ruinant huict cens octante & cinq maisons de la rue de Boaviste: XXXVII. MOy, Hercules la mort, & l'amour nous trouvasmes fortuitement un jour ensemble en un quarfour, chacun de nous ayant son arc & sa fleche, & tous trois nous fismes cét accord, que celuy qui de son traict feroit une plus grande execution auroit pour recompense l'honneur. Hercules commenç a le pre●●ter, & avec sa fléche il sit mourir toutes les Panthers, Lyons, Tygres, Ours, Loups, toutes bestes sauvages, Dains, Elephans, Chameaux & Taureaux. L'Amour prist sa fléche, en tirant de laquelle il fit que les Dieux, les Geans, les amazons, les hommes & les Diables tomberent tous sous le ioug amoureux, moy seul excepte sur lequel l'amour n'a aucune puissance. La mort se resolut de tirer son traict, avec lequel elle fit mourir toutes les creatures qui estoient sur la terre: Moy m'indignant contre eux, & estant un peu mis en cholere pour me vanger D'eux tous, ie mets ma fléche à mon arc, faisant comme dernier mon traict, avec lequel ie tué Hercules, l'amour & la mort. XXXVIII. NE vous ennuyez Maistresse & Dame de ma vie, & nayez aucune fascherie si je suis recherché & amé de tant de Dames & Princesses, lesquelles vivent estant, abusées & perdent leur temps en vajn: car je n'aime & ne porte affection à autre qu'à vostre seigneurie (Maistresse) puis que vous estes doüée de beauté plus que Diane, de bonnes graces & plaisant maintient plus que Pallas, de douceur plus que Venus: toutes trois souveraines Deesses & vous vous estes la mienne propre, à laquelle i'ay baillé mon coeur. Considerez donc que je vous aime, & ne me quittez pas pour un autre, puis que je suis plus que Gentilhomme. Que si vous mariez avec moy; je vous jure foy de Capitaine & par la vie du Roy mon pere (car ie n'a sceu iamais autrement son nom) de vous faire la premiere nuict vn regiment de soldats qui conquesteront tout le monde. XXXIX. IE baise la plante des pieds de vostre Seignurie Maistresse de coeur, Princesse de cette poictrine. Duchesse de ces bras: Marquis de mon courage, Comtesse de ma valeur, Royne de mes forces, Dame absolve de toute ma personne. XL. ARrivant pres de Lisbonne, i'appris que cinquamte vaisse aux estoient prests d'entrer au port, aussi tost je fus me pourmener sur la falaize pour les voir aborder plus commodément mais comme ils estoient fort pres, je me trouvay contraint par un flus de ventre de mettre le haut de chausses â bas, & opposant mes Globes terrestres à celuy de l'eaus pour me guarantir d'vne violente colique qui me vouloit saisir, je lasche une petarade si violente, qu'elle suscita la plus violente tempeste qui ce soit jamais veuë sur l'Ocean, qui repoussa cent cinquante vaisseaux avec tant de furie qu'ils s' allerent fracasser centre les roches de l'Amerique. XLI. IL est uray que ie suis mal vestu, mais ce n'est pas une nonchalance nyvne pavureté extréme qui m'oblige à paroistre de la sorte, mais bien un voeu solennel que i'ay fait de n'acheter iamais d'estoffe pour me faire un habit qu'au prealable je n'eusse trovué cent cinquante douzaines de mes ennemis que je veux terrasser pour m'en servir a covurir mon habit en guise de boutons, comme aussi de leurs boyaux en guise de passemens. XLII. Mar joyeux de m'avoir rencontré m'a demandé si je voulois passer le temps a● Picquet, mais luy ayant respondu que mes contentemens ne se trouvoient que dans les exercices violens, il se sentit obligé à me proposer le jeu du balon que i'acceptay & comme il estoit en peine d'en faire recherche d'vn, il fut estonné quand il me veit prendre toute la terre, & la pousser avec tant de roideur qu'elle alla donner jusques au Ciel, où Iupiter estonné envoya vistement Mercure pour apprendre la cause de cét accident, & iustement comme il descendoit, ie repoussois la terre pour la seconde fois, de sorte que re●contrant ce Messager des Dieux, elle luy cossa le nez, & je repoussant contre mont luy fit donner si fort d●cul contre le visage de la Lune, qu'il luy a fait aussi plat qu'vn fromage de Milan. XLIII. ON dit qu' Hercules a delpucellé cent silles en une nuict. Mais moy plus courageux que luy paillard, en cinq heureres de temps i'ay fait cent Hercules. XLIV. Mar porté d'vne vaine presomption, ayant ●u la hardiesse de s'attribuer à ma presence une gloire que ma veleur s'est legitimement acquise, m'a fasché de telle sorte que tout en celere je l'ay pris par le pied & le jettant en haut je luy ay donné un mouvement circulaire avec tant de violence qu'auparavant de tomber, il a fait plus de t●●rsend'air que le Ciel n'en a fait depuis le premier jour de sa creation. XLIV. IEfay voeu à Dieu qu● jes●is sans s●n● & à demy desespere de telle maniere, que je né voudrois pas maintenant trouver homme qui me demandast la paix, toute ma glorie se●oit de tronver quelqv'n sur lequel je p●usse descharger ma cholere & me venger, p●is que je ne l'ay peu faire contre ceux qui me l'ont occasionnée à cause de leur legere & bastive s●ite, laçoit que c'est la verité que je ne m● suit iamais monstré pouvoir beaucoup contre ceux qui peuvent peu. XLV. IE ne sçay quel genre de mort je dois choistr pour punir deux vilains qui m'ont oeilladé ce jourd'huy en la rue de mauvais oeil de travers: je desire de regarde● mon repertoire où i'ay remarqué sept cens soixante & cinq especes, pour voir laquelle maniere me sera plus agreable, iaçoit que celles dont i'vse maintenant coustumierement, & qui me sont ordinaires aux mains soient coups d'espées sans sang, coups de plombe au d'espée, ou un Revers industrieux & subtil, les autres je les troüe comme un crible à coups de poignard une taille large, une estocade dangereuse, un coup mortel, & quelquefois je donne des coups de bastons à celle fin que je laisse reposer & se resiouyr mon espée. XLVI. QV' est-ce qu' Asie, Europe, Africa, és monts Pyrenees & les Alps, les vnes mises sur les autres, sept Dragons, huit Elephans, dix Tigres, vingt deux Lyons & soixante cinq Taureux? Cela pour moy n'est rien. XLVII. MOn Cordonnior un matin me chau●●a●●, un de mes souliers se trouva trop estr●it, je frappé avec c●luy tel coup en terre, que i'ou●rois la terr● jusques aux enfers, Belz●buth, Satan, Pluton, Barrabas, Seigneurs & Princes des tenebrenses obscuritez, demeurerent beaucoup estonnez: le grand Cerbere donna de grand cris & abois: Proserpina ●arrachoit les cheveux, pleurant amorement pour ●● qu'elle voyoit son royaume tenebreux recevoir quelque clarté. Les petits diabl●ti●s se cachoient qui decà qui dela, & quelques vns s'enfuirent lesquels font demeurez depuis ce temps la par l'air, & d'autres par la terre tourmentant quelques personnes, comme on voit advenir par chacun iour en 〈◊〉 monde. XLVIII. MAdame vous pouvez à iuste tiltre laisser ce nom de Dame Beatrix, & vous appeller d'ores en avant Imperatrix ou Emperiere, Royne, Princesse, Marquis, Cōtesse, Dame & Damois Ile, puis que ces deux colomnes d'Hercules qui soustiennent tout le monde sont tant à vostre service, je veux dire ce corps Castillan rempli d'vne abōdance de courageux gens ●'armes, qui sont ceste poistrine & ce bras plus fort que la Tour de Babylone, & principalement quand il est aidé de ceste redoutée espé●: pon●ce que le feu du fil d'icelle penetre & surmonte e● splendeur les rayons lumineux du Soleil. XLIX. IE suis seul sans crainte, menaçant le Ciel & l'Air, le Feu & la Terre, jupiter & l' Enfer; in sques aux Elemens, je desire leur faire la guerre: je ne crains point la tempeste, la foudre, le tonnetre & l'esclair. Et devant qu'il soit peu de temps je me veux faire Seigneur du Ciel, de la terre & l'Enfer: je le veux & je le peux, car mes forces sont demesurées pour ce faire. L. IEsuis vieil à tout travail, & je suis nouveau à souffrir moy lequel depuis moy enfance & des le temps que s'estois encor au berceau Venus ià accoustume teter en lieu de laict des feux, des souspirs & des larmes. The Most Valiant Sir Frederick Fight-All's Panagyrick on himself. I Never yet could find that daring He, Durst whisper, any yet hath conquered me. I've fought the Champions of the Earth all round; And either slew, or made them quit their ground. From Pole to Pole such mighty things I've done, That from all Heroes, I their Glory won. So that the wonder of Mankind I'm styled, And chief in Valour's Register I'm filled. Yet still I must Act more, that labr'ing Fame, May Reel, and Tyre, and Sink, to bear my Name. And when ten thousand miracles I've done, Out shining far the lustre of the Sun; When by the envy of the Gods I'm whirled, Ravished, and snatched, up to the higher World; When Heaven is of my company grown proud; You shall behold me perching on a Cloud. Can I to fearful Man my Soul infuse, 'Twould teach him how aright his Sword to use, How he should take in Citadels, and Towns, Kingdoms and Nations conquer, ravish Crowns, Raise Seiges, vanquish enemies; and all Those deeds in Valours sacred List do fall. Sometimes a single Kingdom's part I take, Then with my looks I make the rest to quake, Where e'er I go, my presence conquest brings, My single hand can sway the fate of Kings. I've Ensigns snatched oft from an Army's head, And at my Feet laid prostrate Giants dead. Out Hectored Champions, and out foamed wild Boars, Out blustered billows, breaking on the shores. Out fought Briareus, with his hundred hands; Out walked the Tigers on the Arabian Sands. Out stared the Face of death in Blood and Wars. Out shined the Moon, out shot the falling Stars. Out lightened Lightning, and out thundered Thunder; Gut did great Mars in Field, and outvy'd Wonder. Astonished Ages from these deeds shall learn. Which way I move, that way the World shall turn. If y'are with this not satisfied enough, I'll of my Valour give you urcher p●oof. I by an Host surrounded was in fi l●, Whose Gen'ral cried, fight not st●ut man, but yield. I, daunted not, rushed in, and with one swing. Before my Feet, I laid his breathless King, At which a Neighbouring Prince his quarrel took; From his broad Shoulders, his proud head I struck, So quick, the head after it fell it cursed. The next advanced whose Fate was like the first. Him I beheaded so most vig'rously, That with the force, his falling head killed three. Then being beset with an united power, With my long Sword n●xt pass, I thrust through four. With Carcases I made long Lanes, and to be short, In one hours' space, I made this bloody sport. Here scattered Swords, there Woods of Lances stood; Here heaps of bodies lay, there streams of blood. With open mouth there lay a gasping head; As if it thirsted for the blood it shed. Here a lopped head cut capers, as if 'twould Have danced up to the Shoulders, where it stood. There lay dismembered arms, in their own gore, Which stretched, and grasped to reach the Swords they bore: The object looked as if it had expressed A thousand Victims offered by a Priest. When I'd done all, and heaps on heaps compiled, I fairly turned about myself, and smiled. How ill these mortals managed their command, Although all Hero's nothing in my hand. Thus I do never stoop to little things, I seldom vanquish any under Kings. When none can kill me, I myself must doom, And call upon the Gods to make me room. Thus when I please I mortal blood can spill; Yet know, that I can cure; as well as kill. Dismembered Trunks (which welter in their gore) That hand them lopped can them again restore. Quack Aesculapius of Cures may boast, And in that thing, a very Knight o'th' Post. Confessed, He did some petty things, what then? But I of mortals, make immortal men. Did He now live, He might emboldened be By his great skill, as to compare with me. But I de convince the Slave, ●is only I Have power to guide a Monarch's Destiny: Such proud Quack salvers must not be endured, Who never saw the wounds which I have cured. My hand the rule of humane Fate hath swayed, Cured wounds as mortal, as my Sword hath made. My hand men's tottering Fabrics can er●ct, And be the lesser worlds great Architect. I with my Sword have often digged a grave, And from its fatal brink, as oft did save. Al-Man-Sirs Art hath Nature's power withstood; The old let out, I have infused new blood. Nay when men's looks do wear, more horrid forms, Then the Grimaces of a Sea in Storms, I have made horror, pains, and torture cease: 'Twixt Death, and sickly man, I've made a peace. Decrepit Nature, bedrid, at my sight, Hath roused, and rose, and walked, and stood upright. My power hath made declining lives stand fixed, And with new Heat, hath Cooling Vitals mixed. Nay more, when Death hath his bold entrance stole, And given defiance to a struggling Soul, I've made fierce Death look pale at my approach, And trembling, not dare strike, where I dare touch. 'Tis no great thing to do, if true that all The powers of art, within my circuit fall. So that o'er mortal men I have this odds, Cure wounds, not only made by man, but Gods. In short, my art such wonders did afford, I have lost a ms, eyes, heads, nay lives restored. These and ten thousand such I've done, all true, Yet have not spoken half, what I can do. I Now expect, that some cowardly Cur's w●ll bark at these my unparalleled, and seemingly incredible acts, such whose valour lies in their tongues, not hands: by o hers who dare not kill otherwise, than with Pen, Ink, and Paper. Let these boasting Mount banks, first resolve me these Questions, or they are not like to live in our thought. 1. Why one poor Platonic Idea, fluttering upon the O●●fice of the Chaos, should chac●, or drive away the invincible Squadrons of Democratical Atoms? 2. Why that one man should be like the Sun, wrapped in a tear of Snow, and another to bloom like a Northern blast gum lt o'er with Thunder? 3. And lastly, Why your warbling Satyr, clad in dew, whose Zodiac toils in pa●ched steel, cleft like a living Cloud, Loves arrow-field, should confront a Sable Emerald asunder? To those impudent Myrmidons, who dare compare with me, I shall propose them this task to perform, without which, they share in no part of our estimation. WIth a small switch the Sea divide; And with one whistle stop the Tide. Catch the wild Winds within thy fist, And let them blow, but when thou list. Or creep to Neptune's watery bed, And force a Mermaids Maidenhead. Then soar more high, and fetch me down Fair Ariadny's Starry Crown. Or bring me Berenice's Hair, A Perriwigg for me to wear. Make Mars and Satur's aspects mild; And get the Virgin Star with Child. Go Ring the snout of the North Bear; Then sit in Casseopeia's Chair, Or if thou hast that daring Soul? Go whip the Bear about the Pole. If thou canst do all these, I can't deny, But thou in time may be as stout as I. FINIS.