THE COURT'S Apology. Containing a short VINDICATION OF THE COURTIERS. FROM THE Common Aspersions and misreports of Ignorance and Envy.  
By L. G. A Daily Observator.  
LONDON, Printed in the Year, MDGLXIII.   

THE COURT'S Apology, etc.  
'tIS not my design so much to consult the Persons or Capacities of those to whom I address my Vindication, as the Qualities and Occasions of those whose Patronage I have undertaken. The Impertinence of the Detractours, deserves not satisfaction, but the Demeanours of the Slandered do necessarily exact a Cloak.  
I am not ignorant with what resentment my Clients will entertain an Advocate of their own Alliance Had it been an Exotic, or an unacquaintance, their longanimity might have bribed their longer Ears to an Audience; but 'tis not their custom to relish a tedious acquaintance, neither do they love to hear their own.  
I pretend not an Apology for Ladies, against whom the clamours of the people cannot raise a scandal of prevalence, the downright language (which proves usually successful with others) becoming uneffectual with Ladies of a Court Complexion; Since the Raillery of the Vulgar, and the Pourtraicture of a Satirist (though never so much displaying them) must alike despair to make them blush, who can always put a good Face upon it. I do not enterprise then a description of those; they alone can paint themselves in their proper Colours.  
But although I may not presume to obtrude upon the World a Vindication of lady's Repute, yet I shall not make so far a digression from them, as to leave the Courtiers (their Proselytes and Appendices) unexcused, and to omit an Apology for those in whose faces 'tis most usual to cast dirt. 'Tis my aim to wipe those whom the Rout bespatter; and to new shadow them whose honour is eclipsed; and herein I cannot despond of good reception; For how can they, with whom a painted face is so attractive, disgust a draught that so much resembles them?  
The first allegation wherewith people keep their tongues in action, and amuse themselves into wonder, is the exorbitancy of Array and Attire expensive beyond the precincts of their annual sufficiencies. Whereas I cannot but admire that men should so much scandal their own judgements, as to libel and decry the Courtiers good Apparel, since rich Attire is more dispensable and of a cheaper bargain with them, whose wits go still a wool gathering.  
The next, forsooth, wherewith we are acquainted, is a Gallimaffry of Nations from whence the Court derives a Motley Countenance, representing Babel in its Epitome, composed of nothing but the confusion of Languages. No, no, those whose inclinations are so biased towards Females, must unavoidably affect their Mother tongue. But what though there were a mixture of Speeches? Methinks that should not give occasion of disgust to those (whose Palates seldom disrelish an Oleo or Kick-shaw) the Court itself being nothing else but a French dish A diversity of Language in Whitehall, is not (I hope) grown inexcusable; especially since there is large amends made for their difference in Tongues, by their agreement in thought, and their being of one mind, each man having resolvedly determined to defraud his Master.  
The next thing whereby our Slanderers animate others to the disaffecting of Courtiers, is A pretence of Bribery and Extortion; in that they weigh not what disposure they make of places, 'cause they are procured by pounds, giving occasion to some of prophesying, that the Court will Break, 'cause Offices fall to Pieces. But had they not more mind to cavil, than receive satisfaction, they might acquiesce in consideration of the necessity of such Transactions, assuring themselves that there must needs be Corruption, where the Court is composed of such a Generation. And what though there be Corruption? Yet 'tis a Place of little infection; the Itch being the distemper most regnant, which renders them so desirous to be scratched, and for which we can prescribe no better a Remedy than a Purgation. As for the Gout, the Plague in the Purse is not only a prevention of that, but antidotes all other Malignities.  
Nor doth their next aspersion more participate of veracity; they themselves becoming injurious unto truth, while they challenge Courtiers of injustice, and disregard of merits, in the conferring either reward or punishment. For did they not proposito hoodwink themselves, how easily might they be convinced of a contrary deportment? since the Courtiers are so ambitious (ad amussim) to resemble Justice itself, that their distributions are made with the most accurate Blindness.  
The fifth Stratagem whereby they work easy Ignorance into Credulity, is to lay deficiency of Alms at the Courtier's door, and to cast want of Charity into his Dish. Persuading men into an apprehension that they are Charitable to themselves alone. For the silencing this Calumny, we might tell them that charity gins at home. But alas, this is but the beginning of Charity, whereas that of Courtiers is gone farther, and come even to its utmost End.  
And next (lest peradventure their Learning and Knowledge might stipulate either for their pretended Crimes or Deficiencies) They are indicted of Ignorance and contempt of Literature. Whereas, how easily are they acquitted from this Slander and Impeachment? In that it is impossible with sound reason to accuse them of Ignorance, who are, each man, able to confound the wise, the Court itself being the very confusion of wisdom. Nor doth it less partake of absurdity, to asperse them with neglect of Learning, who are so much addicted to Books; each Shopkeepers Book can show it.  
That it is not Conscience, but Interest, (whatsoever appearances they make) which raises these Clamours, to the Infamy of the Court; and that their Concernments prompt them to these accusations, is easily visible in the next Impeachment; wherein we have Courtiers represented as backward in discharging all debts, (except those that Women demand) insomuch that Creditors are necessitated to that incivility of dunning them at their Lodgings. Alas, how miserably do our Accusants mistake themselves, in alleging that for a Crime, which I am ready to produce in their Vindication? For in this demeanour of Courtiers, I apprehend nothing else than honesty in the engaging themselves to an acknowledgement of their Debts, it being impossible for them to refuse the Child when 'tis brought home to their own Doors. But we shall not gratify our Adversaries so far, as to confess the fact, since this scandal of remissness in paying Debts is unmeasurably false; Neither do Courtiers trouble their scores to be brought home, but meet them half way, and generously discharge them in the middle. Let not then any misreports excite their Creditors to mistrust, or Jealousy, since I dare safely pronounce them no Cheats; For there must avoidable be honest Dealing, where there is so much Shuffling.  
The eighth Cavillation whereby the Courtier is exposed to Censure and Misprision, is Pride, and a violent Ambition of being admired. Whereas, could we withdraw the vizard of Spleen and Malevolence, we should have a prospect of qualities of another Complexion, and we might easily behold them courteous, loving and affable, courting their own shadows, and complementing the very lookingglass. And as for their desire of being wondered at, there is no such thing; For they have now taken the course to save others the expense of admiration, since they have learned each man sufficiently to admire himself.  
Partiality is the next which is foisted in to make up the number of the pretended Crimes of Court. Whereas the most superficial scruting will convince us, that with Courtiers there is no respect of Persons; In that they can pass by their old and intimate Acquaintance, without taking the least cognizance or notice of them.  
Nor is it the Courtier's happiness to be the Object of these Scandals alone; but they are also traduced for not being stocked with Loyalty proportionable to their Promotions, as not having shared in those sufferings which sunk the old Cavaliers. But an easy Vindication will expunge this obloquy, and undeceive the abused multitude, by signifying to them, That the Persons now preferred, have been, and are the greatest sufferers, suffering the greatest Crimes to be acted under their Nose; with impunity. Neither have they been (if well considered) less loser's. The King's old Soldiers lost indeed their Estates and Fortunes, but these have lost their honesty in his majesty's service.  
Much stir there is, about the quarrelsome disposition regnant in the Court, which indisposeth men for peace upon the least foul language; And 'tis accounted vanity in Courtiers to stand so much upon their honour. But these dis-resentments are taken up without cause, and the occasion will not justify the Cavil: For as to the first, they are so little addicted to take exceptions at foul language as that they delight in nothing more, insomuch that 'tis not without some reason, many of them are thought to have been begotten in the Stews; their Discourse being made up of nothing else but ribaldry. And as for the other, I think they have reason to stand upon their honour, whose carriage is the only cause that 'tis so much trodden under foot. Besides, their Bicker and Duels (which give greatest disgust) will be more pardonable if well considered, for they do not (as we erroneously apprehend) fight to vindicate good repute, and honourable name, but merely out of a design to get one, because they are conscious they never had any before.  
'Tis alleged moreover, that they much in poverish his Majesty by importuning his Revenues, and procuring his Manors for themselves, it being thought necessary that that King must needs be poor, whose Courtiers are al● Beggars. But this is but an inconsiderable detraction, and 'tis hoped the future proceed of the Court will give it the Lie; especially since some have given them a good example, by taking a course not to scandal the Court by open begging from the King, but by private, both taking from him and their brethren.  
Again, the undecency of their Carriage, made up of so many ridiculous gestures, accompanied with the continual motion and coranto of the legs & head, and attended with postures too light for the gravity of a Court; becomes the next Impeachment. But I do not conceive what other Behaviour we can expect: How can we hope for any other carriage than what is composed of Antic tricks, since the French have supplied us with such a generation of Apes? Insomuch, that many suppose Aesop's experiment might afford his Majesty very good divertisement; and that the scattering of a Bag of Nuts would show him all his Court together by the Ears.  
The next thing wherewith the people vex themselves, is the Courtiers youthful Indiscretion, and their assumed locks of borrowed hair: As to the first, 'tis true they are generally young in countenance, but their brains do much participate of gravity and age, for I'm sure they are worm-eaten. And as for the last, it finds an obvious Apology, since there is such a Correspondence between Periwigs and their heads, which being so furnished with news, are nothing else but so many Barber's Shops.  
But all this while we have not questioned their Religion, which the misapprehensions of the vulgar deem to be none at all, or (at least) nearly allied to Popery. Here I could wish my Apology might find acceptance, and that I might not be esteemed partial in my attempting to justify their Divinity both in its Practice and Theory. If I may be credited then, I can assure the Reader, that they are so far from being of no Religion, as that they are of all, and so far from running into the old one from whence we reformed, as that 'tis to be hoped they have found a newer way to Heaven than the Word of God, since they can laugh at Scripture and deride a Sermon. Nor is their practical Theology far behind their Speculative; for 'tis expected every day that they will enter into a course of repentance, they are so addicted to whoring; and that lying will be out of fashion, they are so given to swearing.  
As for Popery, 'tis true they seem inclinable thereunto; since while they prostitute their devotion, and address their zeal to an handsome face, they do (with Papists) nothing but adore a Picture. But yet I dare defy the Intromission of Romish Rites into our Court, especially since the Ladies bear such a resolved antipathy to Nuns.  
Hitherto have I been the Advocate of their Religion; If the Reader hath a desire to know more, let him consult their Faces, which speak them (in some sense) Saints, in that it presents many (like the Almanac) in red letters; and others of more handsome features in the resemblance of those Saints they worship, viz. Ladies; for their faces as well as their manners pronounce them effeminate: Only there lies this difference between their Visages and those of the Ladies, that the countenance of these, when amiss, is either patched up from their own boxes, or supplied from the Painter's Shop; Whereas the Courtier's face, when it hath got a brack, may be recruited by a Brazier.  
I hope my reserving the encomium of their faces to the posteriors of my Vindication, will not make them discountenance the rest; but rather by their winking at this hysteron proteron, engage the farther endeavours of their inconsiderable Advocate  
L. G.